Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 659 - Sal Vulcano - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 8, 2022

HIGH AND TIGHT!! On this week’s episode of YMH, Tom Segura and Christina P discuss Mick Jagger dishing Harry Styles, how Christina doesn’t know modern pop artists, the cool massage she got, and Tom’s excitement about a recent Austin storm. They watch videos of an angry British dude, a cool guy with a PSA for the ladies, and more.Sal Vulcano is an improvisational and stand-up comedian, actor, and producer. He joins Tom and Christina to discuss how they make “Impractical Jokers,” Staten Island, coffee and French fry preferences, doing whippets, and more. Tom shares some Top Dog stories, and they introduce Sal to YMH All-Star doppelgänger, the 10-12 Benadryl Guy.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

New York City, I will be doing a book event June 13th at Union Square the Barnes & Noble located there at 7 p.m You can click a link in the description below and get tickets. I'd love to see you there. Thank you, New York I think I said I wish I'd had a stroke. Oh Wow The thing about the stroke is you could have like a mini one. I like it Oh Peace God, what's the science knowledge bone? Oh Welcome to another episode of your mom's house the clock is ticking

My book Coming out next week. I believe ding what day you know June 14th. Oh, please Your copy of I'd like to play alone, please. I Promise I'll stop doing this soon. Oh They want to support your jeans. No, no, no, it's very it's very exciting fans are stoked Yeah, I'm very excited the most important is my birthday June 18th. That's more important. That's actually not but Um Tom well, it's not more important, but it is a day of significance if somebody knows you well, I'm turning 26

That's really exciting Yeah, it's also Paul McCartney's birthday every year every year June 18th Wow and Isabella Rossellini Did you know by the way that Paul McCartney charges a goddamn fortune to see him live? Yeah, I would imagine I didn't know that Paul McCartney tickets. I mean, no, but it's like There's no from what I hear just like normal person here It's expensive as a moth Not surprised Are you gonna click I did it's loading. Ah, let's stub hub though

Yeah, those guys are this the wrong guys, right babe. Well, I just if you go like got back to her You see how it said that underneath there um So let's see like if you Just is there an upcoming stuff or nothing's upcoming Boy he's got No, it looks like everything has been this is all in the past now. Anyway, I had a friend tell me they were like $800 Oh, there says buy tickets there in the right corner of the got back to her image. Yeah

Yeah, so just click on one of those Unclickable Here, okay Well, those are past already see also his smart job knows he's like those are past Why wouldn't you just take them down off your site? You should really have his web guy update that page Here we All right, you can't even click the buy ticket button. That's strange. This isn't even my fault. I swear. I know But I feel like it still is like I'm still mad at him. Yeah, but why do I buy them because I'm mad at him too. Yeah

Like I feel like it's his deficiency Still causing this for some reason. Yeah, I feel like if one of the other guys did they be like click through funds or like go to Ticketmaster like I'm sure Zola would have been like, oh, I'll go to Ticketmaster Put in Paul McCartney and then I could find the seeds lickety-split. Oh see Ticket-ticketmaster.com not ticket network. That's not ticketmaster Are you sweating yet? Take it. I've been sweating. God. Just put it all PAUL There it is fucking Christ. There it is first one up All right, okay. Okay now don't go on a past date

Okay Something into the future. Okay. Oh my god. Is that your is that kind of venue you're doing now? No, I think but look at those wild How much of those that's what I'm saying, bro They range between 158 to 630 plus hit that a for there in the middle you see by the stage you dead a for girl hit that Fucking It ranges from 986 dollars to five thousand two hundred and sixteen

Five thousand those are all resale tickets. What does that mean? Someone means somebody's yeah Also, they're jacking you on the price. Yeah Okay, then But that's you're right. That's some real money, man, but like I thought I didn't know that how old is he? I have no idea. He's got to be in the 70s, right? No, no, I just meant that like as a guy 79 yeah, you're fucking 80 years old and you're still That much in demand. That's wild. It's awesome. Yeah, dude. Yoko Ono's 89

Yeah, that's crazy, dude. They're all just fuck. Thank God. Mick Jagger out there still fucking smash in 24 year old Yeah, turn 25 he's like get the fuck out of here I'm done with you now. Yeah, I'm done with you. I bet those conversations are just a blast, right? What with Mick Jagger? Well, no for the yeah when he's talking to the 24 year old and she's like, so you're in a band We're in the Bay dolls. He's like It's like that. So I have a story for you. Would you like to? Oh, look at him. Oh, yeah So there's this article I saw that was like Harry Styles It's just like Mick Jagger and Mick was like, no, not really like they look like yeah

They're like they look alike Meaning that when Mick was younger he looked like a Harry Styles looks and it was like no We're actually I'm much much cooler than Harry Styles watermelon sugar Really? Yeah, you said that pretty much and I appreciate that because I think he's right. Yeah, but anyway I was on the airplane ride. Yeah, and there was a 96 year old man on my flight and He could you know, he had trouble like getting up and down. I didn't know this cuz I was talking to him Oh, and so we get up with the flight lands and he's like I'm going to meet a woman here

And I was like, yeah, that's why he came here. He's like, yeah, and she's a younger lady I was like, how old she he goes 88. Oh, and I was like look at you But I mean the guy could barely walk and he's still getting it in. Yeah, I'm like, that's awesome Well, that's you know, it really is the greatest thing in the world getting it in. Yeah, and You know if I'm 96, I hope that's definitely on the forecast. Yeah, it will be yeah It will be with you. There's no there's no saying no to you if you weren't around to I'd be telling the boys I'd be like, do you have any friends that would like to fuck an old guy? dad

Stop That's all I want to do. I'm gonna die soon deep. But yeah, you still have lead in your pencil. Yeah, 96 very That's why you have to you definitely have to take something to help you at that point for sure. Yeah I mean, I mean honestly It would take it probably takes real work if you're like, let's get this thing going It's like yeah, it's not gonna take you being naked. No, you know touching it You're gonna need to really slobber on me. Okay. I don't want to talk about Blow on an old guy. Okey-dokey

Make looks good man for the amount of drugs that he's done. He shouldn't be alive really. No, there's it says comparison Make jagger slams the Harry Styles comparison hit that. Let's see it He doesn't have a voice like mine nice Nice sure does not that's fucking rad You got to love it. Mm-hmm. I like the old like old-school guy confidence because he's like, let's see where you are in 50 fucking years Mm-hmm. Oh look, he doesn't have a voice like mine or move on stage like me He just has a superficial resemblance to my younger self, which is fine. He can't help that. I Mean I used to wear a lot more eye makeup than him come on. I was much more androgynous Jagger noted. Yeah, wow

He's right. Listen. Listen. Everyone thinks his Harry Styles is some shit. He had nice words to say He's got it going on. I don't know. I know him He comes to see me in lots of shows and yeah, I can see the influence, but I don't say anything to him I just tell him he looks nice. I like him. He's very decent. Yeah Yeah, but Bowie was doing makeup and androgyny 76 days whatever but I like when people are so quick to Crown you know like a young and then somebody goes like easy hit the fucking brakes there You're not some shit. Well, that's like when Lady Gaga came out Madonna was like, oh who is bitch

Yeah, I mean she totally style sucks Madonna to a tee get your own shit. Get your own shit going bitch You know she don't like don't she don't like her. Let's take you at least acknowledge it You know, you know who was really good about that was Bruno Mars Like everybody was like, oh, you know, you're just doing like Michael Jackson like light or whatever and he was like, yeah Yeah, I like the style these these are my influence and then he was like very clear about it He was like I am heavily influenced by him and Prince and and all these people like both both as a performer And as a song right and then everybody's like, oh, okay. Yeah, you can't act like it's not happening. That's the problem. Yeah, I

Don't know this guy's music. You know how sad I am. I don't really know a single song He's like probably the number one Touring I know I know I listen. I'm stuck at 15 years old. I like what I like He's super talented what like an incredible talent it saying a song of it like what's a song when I know That pussy ain't wet. How's it gonna go down? Huh? He doesn't look like that kind of an artist. No, it is it is I'm trying to fuck you from every side. He's dressed like iced tea kind of there at the necklace I'm sorry. Oh, right Yeah, that's what I used to look like in colors colors colors. Yeah, there you go colors

colors colors colors colors colors colors I am a knight mirror walking psychopath talking King of my jungle just a gangsters Stalking and you fucking live in life like a firecracker. Oh, yeah, look at him. He's cute though. I like this kid Yeah, yeah, he's uh, he's working quite a bit songs about fucking Does he sing only songs about fucking like princeton? No, it's he sings love and pop and like it's like feel good shit Hey, I know I can't even think of the song titles, but I mean you've heard you've heard a half dozen of these songs I'm pretty lame Tom. I'm sure you've heard it just by walking through a building if it's on tiktok I know it if it's not and it's new. I have no idea. You've heard it. I promise you I mean

I'm I am stuck in my era Yeah Up down funk you up. Don't believe me. Just watch No, I Promise you you did 24 karat magic in the air No, man, I don't like yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're gonna have a good time at karaoke Is this what you guys are gonna sing everybody does good on Mars educate me I mean, I'm open. I'd like to be edge educated on cool stuff slick stuff neat stuff raw stuff

You know me. I'm not hip babe. I know this. Yeah, this is not new. Yeah, I like We haven't even started the show. No All right Ready ready, I'll get you something to get your juices going I don't like that stop spraying perfume on your vagina and take a damn shower bitch Out here smelling like Victoria say food It's cool guy No, no, no, no, no, no, no

I don't really, I guess I standing out, I don't really usually see any rock in the fresh dome, the fresh big dome like this Isn't there usually a hat on? Oh yeah, usually I got a hat What prompted this choice today? Uh, I don't know, I don't know I'm just feeling it It looks clean, man It looks good

You guys look like brothers now Ball boys for life It's tough, I like it A lot of toughies Ball nation, what's up? Pick that shit Yeah, good for you Thumbs up

I saw this guy on the talk, I found him on TikTok I like that stain behind his head too, it's kind of neat So, I personally like a guy like this who lectures women about their hygiene I know Because I'm sure he smells good everywhere Everywhere Would you like to take a whiff of his parts? I know right

I think that would cure your vomit phobia Oh my god, do you think he's super fat? Infinity fat? Remember we had that chart of like different fats? Well he looks like a sports illustrator swimsuit model but um Which fat are you? Yeah, he's fucking terrible But I do, I do speak apropos

What you just said The phobia of vomiting So Julian was sick on me Like A few weeks back And he vomited in our bed So he was sleeping in the bed And I woke up to him puking in our bed

With our other son next to me And then I brought him to his bedroom He slept on me, he insisted on sleeping on me And then he barfed on me there And he was like, I'm fine with phobia And crazy, crazy town I gotta treat this, I'm so sick of this I don't like this anymore

So I need to go to like a phobia I've been to hypnotherapy for it I've been in talk therapy It's just like I wanna be done with this I think I just have to find like a bunch of dudes to puke On me, is that what we do? That can be arranged

And I don't think we have to pay You might have to be comfortable with them jacking off too You might have to be comfortable with them jacking off too They're like I can puke on her? I'm gonna be pretty hard Oh, the staff volunteers No, to puke on me

The dog does not speak for me Christina, we love you No you don't Yes I do, I wanna give you what you need And if you need me to puke on you I would love to do that I love you in other ways You don't want that

But I do want to be cured of this Because Our kids are gonna puke on me Especially Julian, he's a pukeer The kid pukes at the fucking drop of a hat It's like You don't even like that But I don't like that

I can't really That's fine But I don't like the sounds You can't take a puke sound? No I don't like it, it's unpleasant That That took everything in me not to rip out

That was a dry heat I don't like that I don't like this Stop, stop, don't be dramatic I am dramatic God It's so abusive, don't be dramatic That's what your parents

Your shit parents say to kids when they're upset Stop So mean Dad, I don't want you playing I'm done with it If anyone You just ask for people to puke on you I don't want that

But if anybody has done Some kind of a Phobia treatment and it's worked for you Please let me know and if you're in the Austin area You think maybe indulging in a lot of it Could be I've asked my shrink that and she's like Yeah, but if there's no emotional work

With it, it doesn't help You're just abusing somebody What's the emotional work? I'm not getting into that with you There's a reason I have a phobia Because something happens when you're young That's why you develop an irrational phobia I feel the same way about

Pussy Are you so afraid of it? Yeah I think I have a bunch of girls maybe To give it to me I would get over it Babe, I'm your wife Babe

Cut the shit, Tom Babe, I'm married to you, you know that Yeah, I'm just trying to get better Babe, you can't I've been trying this bang-bust thing And it's just like It doesn't resolve anything I still have the emotional part

Oh, when you bang You bang chicks on your bus We pick them up in the alley and then we drop them off In the next city We throw them out the door and then we get another one It doesn't resolve anything Yeah, I'm still like What else is there?

Anyway, I'm moving along I have another topic I'd like to discuss Yeah So I got this massage I went to an Asian parlor And it was really fancy It looked really nice, you know And so I'm with the lady

And she's like, okay Do you want breasts And stomach massage? And I was like, what? What? And I was like, well, definitely not the stomach Because I've had that happen before And I'm not interested

Have you ever had a stomach massage? It's the most unpleasant thing And you feel like they're pushing through Your stuff Yeah, who likes this? And they're like, feel good You're like, oh no Yeah

Feel good They ask you and you're like, no I mean, it's so No one ever presses on your stomach Unless it's a doctor doing it And that's what it feels like It feels like you're getting a physical And you're like, okay, does that hurt?

You're pushing on my intestines Well, because they're not very Not very loving touchy The That paper is stuck in the mud, oh no That's how she was talking to me And they're not loving So I'm like, dude, no, don't touch my stomach

And then she didn't hear me She's like, okay, so stomach and breast I'm like, no, I said no stomach And then I was like, should I try the breast? Because Number one, can I, I'm married Is that considered What, I'm being

I'm happy you weren't Yeah When I touch your breasts But I'm being serious, is a breast massage Would that be, would you be upset with me? No No So I thought about it too, I was like, no

Tell me when you care if some Chinese lady Rubbed my tits, so then I was like All right, well, I go, well let's try The breast massage, if I'm not into it I'll just be like, no And like, I'll put a stop to it So the whole time I was anxious about This

Massage, you know, when I come on my stomach She's doing my back, and then it's time For the top seas, and I was like, okay Let's hope she remembers no stomach And then she goes in for the tits And It was a maze, like I'm thinking of asking for just a two hour tit massage

Really? Yeah I'm gonna go back to this lady, it's in California Drive, huh? From Texas, I'm gonna get in my car So I was like, she's like flicking the nips No, see that's what I thought too I was like, I don't want her like

Erotic, yeah, like what's she gonna So it was like, it was like around The outer periphery of the tits So it's like the muscles Under, it's the muscle tissue The pectoral muscle You know what I mean, I got big slops So she was like

Like really getting into that slot meat This is great, and I was totally fine with it Nice, this is a beautiful story I felt free So How long did she do it for? Well, the whole massage was 90 minutes But that part?

The tits, I mean like I don't know, it felt like two minutes, three minutes But you really enjoyed it? Did you tell her? You were like, that was nice Well, I was like, next time, remember You didn't open your legs and go, what about down here? And you want a vulva massage? What if she was like that?

Yeah That's good That's very good No, but she did kind of do like My psoas, psoas And I didn't like that, that's kind of near the stomach too I was like, oh no Yeah, the stomach when you're like

Could you not put your fingers inside of my body? I feel like you're gonna shit Yeah, and they're very Like the Chinese massage is so different Because they like, you know, they smack on you And they're like, why are you fucking hitting me, dude? Feel good, feel good I like the hits

I like the smacks I love that I like puppy touches, like just touch me Like I'm a tender little newborn puppy I always go for the deepest Hit me, punch me, beat me, let me move in Trot out I want to feel like body

I want to feel like knees on me That terrifies me I've been to places where, you know, they have the rails They walk on me and I was like, dude Get the fuck off of me, bitch Well, she fucking weighs as much as me, you know That's what I want, I actually hate when they're too small Sometimes it'll be like, walk

And I'll be like, get the big girl Because Get sports illustrated If you're 110, yeah Exactly If you're 110, it's just gonna feel like a pillow's on me But not to me, a girl that weighs one It's like, oh my god, are you trying to kill me?

I want like 140 and up Uh-uh, bro I don't like that shit at all I feel like they're gonna break my ribs Ashiatsu Ashiatsu Feels good Yeah, I mean

It feels like you were traumatized afterwards That's what I like to feel Like the muscles are incapable Of firing I don't like that I'm the type some momsage they say, like one where That's how you feel, so you're like You can't even like

You know what I mean, when they do that deep for that long It's like it's impossible to sit up That's what I like to feel like They say there's one kind of momsage where you feel better after And then one where you feel good during I'm the type that likes to feel good during I got you, I got you What's the point? You gonna torture me?

I like it, I like it Your eyelid under your eye, under your left eye Do you feel that? It's just stopped Fully twitching, and you don't feel that? I didn't I think you're gonna have a stroke Cool

I kind of wish I did so I could check out of this whole thing You know Check out of what whole thing? Your life? Yeah Gosh, you've been joking like that lately Should we be concerned? No God

You could preserve your body in here, it's freezing It feels great Who's in charge of the fucking thermos? Whoever it is is getting erased, leave it like this You've been joking like that, are you suicidal Tom? No 10 Do you love us anymore?

Yeah Sure My patience is wearing extremely thin Why? Because you're still doing cars and you have light to make Well, I'm just doing my car I'm fed up with the noise What noise? I'm not using a sander

You were using the sander Do not lie to me Do not lie to me That was the grinder I don't care what it was, it was noise And I'm not having it Isn't he adorable? I love him

I'm not having it And this is like so different Than what we experience Americans? You got him here you fucking bitch I'll kill you I don't tell you, but 18 times Get that fucking shit down

And this guy's like I'm not having it anymore I love the brush, you're so cute I'm not having it He's spent I've told you over And over I am done

You're so dapper I've stopped doing it now, haven't I? I'm sorry I made a noise Listen, when Jenny was here I had five years of help Last week it was four and a half Yeah, well she was here five years I am not having any more of it

I've already told you I've got an elderly mother in there Yeah, I know you've got your mum in there Yes I have And if my father was alive You wouldn't be standing there saying that I know they'd be held to pay I'm gonna just do this bit quietly now

I'm not having it I'm not using a grind to any more now I'm not having it, I said And that's just enough Just for someone to be like I'm not having it He's winding him up He's sweet

Like don't wind up the sweet guy I like him, I feel like we could Listen to records together Yeah, he would spend time With me doing that and he would never make a move either Never Never done that, he's not one time Ever been like

Nope, not once I think you're right I think he's lived with his mum a long time Let me feel your tit meat, it would never happen Oh, he's never given a breast massage That's for sure Mum and I, yeah he doesn't lie to things with mummy Yeah

Mum and I like to watch the telly around five We watch the telly We have tea and crumpets at four Promptly every day and digestives Mum likes them, not chocolate I've already told you, I'm running out of short views And if I have any more I will be seeking legal advice

I'm sorry John, I'm going to be quiet for now No, I'm not having it Because I've already got a sister in there who is ill What do you want me to do? And you've been told to keep the noise down I will not have it I'm not having it again What do you want me to do?

Do not wish to speak about it ever again I'm sorry, I'll be quiet The whole street will know about you If I have any more trouble I'll be quiet He's really pissed I'm kind of curious about What are the

It varies city to city Jurisdiction to jurisdiction Maybe country to country About what you're allowed to do As far as noise That's a good point Can't you probably do what he's doing? Sanding? I think he's sanding

It's a It's bothersome I know in our neighborhood Certain hours Maybe John felt The hours weren't But that's not happening here This is too much

Noise It's upsetting to mother I'm having a tea And it's upsetting to me And you've been told We don't like your noise It's sufficient I feel like this is a Britcom

I can watch all day, I love it I know, he's real It's amazing He's so interesting I bet he drinks a lot of instant coffee You think so? They love that shit over there They have that electric water pot

That boils And then they drink instant coffee It's fucking disgusting I hate their coffee They don't do coffee well It's probably improved Because coffee culture has expanded Every time I've had

I don't want Fucking tea Unless I'm sick If I'm sick Or I'm having trouble Digesting I have a cold Tea makes me feel vomiting

That's what you need to do I don't like hot or cold liquids I like room temp Coffee? I prefer room temp or cold I'll even drink it cold I haven't touched it since the dub I'm waiting for it to cool down

You're so fucked up I don't like hot coffee, I hate it I understand not piping hot But not even warm I like lukewarm It feels better in my stomach I like to drink it faster When are you going to drink this?

Let's see How warm is it? Perfect Perfect That's a good cup That's my perfect temperature That's okay What is that?

You don't know what room temperature means What is room temperature? Is this room temperature? But that's barely warm That's warm What is room temperature? Room temperature would be A bottle of water

I like that too, I prefer that Do you think that and that are the same temperature? This is like pretty close to me Not even close Not even in the same stratosphere I still don't I don't taste much either

If you have bottles of water that arrive from Amazon And you put some in the fridge And you put some on the counter And the ones that stay on the counter are room temperature I like that That is not the same temperature as that one It's a little warmer It's a little warmer

You know, I've about had it with you Are you going to kill yourself? I've had it I have a sick mother You know What I do like that the English do Is they drink Earl Grey or Dark Tea And then they add a little bit of milk to it

That's not bad It makes my stomach hurt That makes my stomach hurt But then warm decaf makes me want to vomit But whatever They like their stupid ass tea They love their fucking tea Every fucking day

Before we forget The Danny Brown show If you have not been listening It is premiering every Tuesday It premieres on Tuesday mornings Here on your mom's house YouTube channel You can also listen wherever you get your podcasts It's fucking hilarious

As Danny doing his thing Whatever he wants All kinds of wild shit Crazy graphics behind him And he just rambles It is so fucking funny by himself It's fantastic Also, I've only been home a couple of days

My dick has been rock hard Thank you You've been around me I was going to say the storms I know It's storm dad season It is storm dad season It's fucking coming up in May

And it's staying through June and July and August I love it We had our first one yesterday And it reminds me that when we moved here In May of last year That started to feel that blood go down there Because every day It's like a show

Heat storms, just lightning Sometimes thunder, crazy rain And it comes and goes and it's like a show We picked patio Where you can stand, it's elevated And it's covered So you can stand outside during most storms Unless it's real windy

It's fucking awesome It is, we have a couch out there So you can sit and watch the weather And I love it too And I also love all the sounds at night here All the critters out there Frogs and cicadas It's fucking cool

But the storms are the best It's crazy for this year Give me what you got, Texas Yeah, and we've also been into Fishing That's another one where I feel like I'm kicking nature's ass Fuck you bitch, you think you can

Fuck my shit up, I'm gonna fuck your shit up I'm gonna take the fishes out of your lake, bitch I'm gonna eat you Don't you feel powerful when you pull a fucking Fish out of that lake You're like, oh, I'm living off the land I'm off the creek This is my life all the time

Just so you know This isn't just like a podcasting moment Oh, yeah Isn't that exciting, Tom? It was fucking rad to watch More so than doing it To watch our six-year-old just pick up Fishing in a way that you're like

Oh, this is what they mean when they go Like some kids just You know, some kids are like musical Musicians, you know You know, they're like Just, you know, some kids are like musical And you're like, wow, this kid can play the piano And he's, you know, he's like five or six years old

This kid In an hour was like, you gotta put the bait In over here, and he's like pulling fish out And I'm like, what the fuck The catching, like he's like Oh, throw this one back, and he's just catching Fish after fish, and I'm like Man, I was like 14 that was trying to figure this out

He didn't even have to put bait, he was catching fish On like the fake worm I was like, how are you doing this? I was like, you gotta pull like this, you gotta reel Yeah, he gets them fast, he caught a big ass catfish Yeah, it was big He's fucking psycho That's cause he likes to like hold living things

He's the kid that likes to hold stuff That's alive, he's not afraid of shit I'm not afraid, it's so strange I definitely wasn't like that I've been scared to hold that fish Yeah, I'll be scared too at six That's psychotic genes, that's definitely my side of the family though That's your Eastern block shit

Like, fuck you, I'mma do this Maybe Well, it is, cause look, remember what I did Which time? When I took out a piece of equipment Jesus, yeah I do I took out our boat, and

I didn't even think twice about it I was like, you were out of town I was like, I wanna learn how to drive a boat Well, first I took you out You showed me the ropes, yeah And then I was like, you know, it just takes A little bit of practice to feel comfortable doing it And then you're like, I wanna take the boat out

And I'm like, okay And then I'm texting you I might have been like flying or something But I'm like, hey really, you know, you should bring someone with you Just for like Docking and all this And then I just get a text back, you're like, I'm already on the water I'm like, alright

And I'm alone, I'm like, great Yeah That did not occur to me That's probably dangerous, you know I mean, it's not, I think it's one of those things That's helpful before you get comfortable with it Yeah How was docking though, you didn't really even tell me

Yeah, so getting out Because we have a slip that it needs to come in and out of That was tricky Because I've never Even backed up before So I was like, oh shit Like I gave it gas And then I panicked and I gave it nothing

And if you give the boat nothing, the boat just drifts You'll be in no control So I was figuring that out And then I hit our dock, I definitely hit the dock Boom Like a soft hit, but it was super soft It was super soft And I was like, oh, there's no damage

Like I looked already and there was no damage So I was like, Tom's never gonna know And then And then it was like Austin Powers when he's like In the golf cart because we have this narrow place And so eventually I figured out how to get out And then I fucking

After you texted me like, hey, you should not be out there alone Then you got in my head because I was all confident Like look at me, I'm the sea captain Well, that part's easy Sea captain's easy Cruising doesn't take any skill, the skill is docking I know, so then I got nervous because you're like You really need help and I was like, I don't have any help

Dude, I don't know how I'm gonna get back in So I practiced going slow That's good Under the bridge, like I just practice maneuvering And then when I came back in to dock I literally was like chanting And using all my mind powers To fight my own sicknesses and to fight stuff

I was like, be one with the dock Be one with the dock, be one I swear to God, I was like, you're one with this boat You're one with the dock You didn't smash anything coming in No, because I was one with the dock I'm telling you, so I felt it, dude I was like, okay, I'm gonna give her just enough juice

That it's like just enough to steer Because if you don't give any juice The vote goes nowhere, so I'm like just enough juice And then the key for me was just to keep moving And then I fucking docked perfectly Like I bumped against the rails a little To guide me, but it was fucking sweet Nice

I felt proud, you know Fuck you, dude, my parents escaped communism Shit don't bother me Can they shit phase me, bro? My parents escaped From the country, shit don't phase me I was super pumped, actually When I did it, I was like, yeah

Congratulations, I'll take a walk around it tonight I want to check out the zero damage But I'm proud of you There was zero damage, I promise Okay, let's take a quick break When we come back, our friend from We're Practically Joking is here

And he's gonna join us, and we'll have fun And We're back Thank you so much for sticking around During the break We're being joined now by The Great Sal Volcano Thank you very much for coming

What a trip to be here You know, it's like when you see like a television show And you go to the set like in Burbank And you're like, wow, look at it here All the cool guys and stuff You're sitting with them You know there's a thing about this studio That a lot of people

A lot of people go, hey, why is Sal Volcano On the wall? This is not a joke And I don't want to turn around, which one? It's over my shoulder, they'll go like Why do you have Sal over there? The guy that looks like, sour? Wait, where am I?

Where am I? They think, bottom center Center, center Oh, yeah It's not obvious That's not my nose though Because it's not you I can see the smile a little bit

That guy, just so you know Just so you know who people are asking if it's Is that right? Yes, it comes in every They're like, oh, why did they put Sal on the wall Who is it? It's this guy Before you have sex If you want to be horny for two or three hours Like you've never been in your life

And you have access to marijuana too Good weed Listen to me Yeah You memorialize him? He's pretty great What happens here? This guy's got it buttoned up

Trust me No, trust you The end result is where he started He's in nothing came of it Just smoke weed, do all this stuff And then you'll end up not wanting to come So he's known as the 10 to 12 Benadryl guy Okay

If you ever see comments under your posts And they're like, I did what you said That's too hard to look like Are you fucking kidding me? That looks exactly like him But when I looked at that You kind of see it, but when I look at that I feel I'm going to leave you really downtrodden

No, no, no You're much more handsome But What does he have a A rack of clothes behind him? He's one of those things where you stick the pole up From one end of the room to the other You don't have that? I mean, not across the room

There is going to be rest If you take it really late at night And you're And you want to just go to bed And you don't do that Because Benadryl will make you have restless legs And restlessness You'll wake up

It's not very pleasing 12 Benadryl What's he huffing to? Anyway It's better than an orgasm I've been up for like 48 hours straight Oh my god, oh my god, this guy I'm a computer watching women wrestling

Who is he? He's four He's getting eerily similar I'm going to wrestling this weekend That's all I'm going to Vegas Yeah, I know you That's right You famously like

I said stuff that wasn't nice Weren't you going to do a whole thing about it? Yeah, I mean I was talking to I was actually talking to people at That's where I'm going Oh yeah Their pay-per-view thing That's the people that own

The Jags, right? So that's who I was talking to for a minute But it just kind of didn't evolve I didn't say anything crazy I said wrestling was for retards That's not crazy Not in this day and age No

That would be crazy 40 years ago, 50 years ago Because everyone thought wrestling was real Not because of the retards They would have been like While wrestling is real, what are you talking about? Yeah What is he huffing in the balloon?

Is it What's that shit, the Whippets? Oh, I have a Whippets story Yeah, it was very recently actually I went to a concert in Brooklyn It's Brooklyn Steel to see their flaming lips Oh, I love that With a group of like five, six people, Ari's with me

Well, he didn't do anything about it But we come out and I'd smoke a little weed, drank a little bit And we're looking for a place to go eat And the place lets out And I'm just Minding my own business, we're all like in a little circle And there's a lot of commotion and someone hands me a balloon

And I take the balloon And everyone's there and I sucked it in And I thought I was going to speak funny Because I thought it was a balloon, it was helium Because that's the only balloon that I know of That you suck on And people would suck it on and I was like Everyone's going to talk like the lollipop kids or whatever

And then I sucked it in And everything just slowed down But I sucked it And I went I probably said a line, I don't remember what it was That I thought it would be funny, like squeaky But then it didn't come out squeaky I was like

I was like, hey, two of the lollipops I was like two of the lollipops And then they were just looking at me And I'm like, this doesn't work And they're like, try it again, it doesn't work You don't feel anything, what do you mean I don't feel anything And he goes, that's nitrous oxide And I was like

Who the fuck handed me nitrous oxide On the street corner And nobody had thought to tell me don't suck that in I never saw that and then I looked and it was like It was almost like the guy had like a rack of balloons And he was just outside And just pulling them off And I guess selling them

No, someone in my party bought them In Brooklyn, he was just doing this On the street, right outside And then I laughed a lot And that's what happened And then I fell and I ripped my jeans open Cut my leg and I bled Like I haven't since I'm a little kid

You know what, cut when you're a kid, like the big The big scab that's there for a few weeks And it keeps peeling and this and that I got fat So wrestling, nitrous, me and him, this guy First of all, the similarities are not over But The time

I did Whippets when I did it when I was 14 In my older brother's apartment And I fell over the coffee table I didn't know that Did you break it? No, it was like a canister Yeah, you cracked it

Cracked it, filled up the balloon I'd never done it And then I just like fell over Is it laughing gas? Is that what it is? It is? Well, fuck, I don't want to ever take laughing gas It's crazy to me It's unregulated

Balloons up Yeah, I was astonished That somebody handed me a balloon full of natural Oxide and wasn't like, by the way Like warning or disclaimer or anything We should get some of that, man It kills your brain cells, I did a bunch of Whippets One night in college and my dad came to visit

Me the next day and I was just like Like I couldn't even talk It's so powerful And that's what they were telling me when we went to go eat later That he was killing your brain cells and I was like I feel raped I'm like, what else for me without permission? Yeah, just some

And did somebody in your group give it to you? It's unclear I imagine so because someone had to pay for them But standing here now It was a real hazy time Your brain raped The show was good It was really good, it was fun

They put on a very visual fun show It was one of my first concerts after the pandemic So it was like extra special Let's take a look at this video you put out during the pandemic Okay, yeah I hate to tell you I hate to admit it but there are more similarities Looking at that torso

You gotta start this one Why would anybody want a girl around? I mean all they do is talk a lot And it doesn't even make any sense They're not good at chess, they're not good at video games All they do is talk a lot And show their gorgeous little body And then they pretend like it's God's gift to the earth

And you can't touch it or have it Well who cares to hell with them The only thing they're good for is sex Okay, couple things I see now Why there's an oil painting behind you That's number one He's oil painting worthy in this

120 seconds And then he's All over the place though He's contradicting himself mid-sentence Don't look for the logic I mean Just enjoy it Is the furniture, two lazy boys

Yeah, you're right I miss those fans Those were in the house growing up That's all we had But how dangerous too when you're a kid Wouldn't you like throw shit in them You go behind it and do that voice Wait, why does he have two lazy boys?

I mean he's that lazy Yeah He's like this one's my master bedroom chair And this one's my eating chair I'm tired of sitting in this one Yeah He's got stings And then they leave and that's it

That's all they've ever been good for Don't marry a dog or a cat But don't marry a human woman A human woman He's got a lot of good points though He's smart He would have one eye bro There you got him beat

I see that Wow Who is his audience though Well, none of us now Yeah, before he died When did we find him It was a number of years ago I think just right here

The actual physics I'm adjusting the volume of my ears I so like this guy To hell with them They're stupid, they're women Especially American women They don't even allow hokers Why?

Because it's so horrible They can sell everything else And screwing people out of their money Is a whole different thing, isn't it Well It was really It was a shocker When we lost him

He died? Why am I shocked? He died Him How'd he go? I hope he was ranting when it happened You know, he's like Probably a lot of Benadryl

Do you think it's 10 to 12 Benadryl? No 10 to 12 is not going to kill you It put me in the hospital Take 50 I'm telling you what I might take that tonight Just check out this whole thing

He keeps joking like that Do we need an intervention babe? What's the second death joke you've made today? Actually fourth You're down to killing yourself with Benadryl That's pretty low What came before today? I think I said I wish I'd had a stroke

Oh Oh wow The thing about the stroke is You could have a mini one See how you like it The real bummer would be To live through one of those I've seen it

Me too Yeah, you're just like go back for more This is not working You ever see someone with bells palsy? Yeah It's all the effects of the stroke You can't even be like I had a stroke

So people feel bad for you Because it kind of corrects itself It does I think this I think you get it because you get a breeze A breeze on you Maybe I'm wrong I don't know if the wind hit you like a certain way

For a certain amount of time What induces it? I don't know I actually thought it was like not and completely known I know pregnancy can induce it Really? It's my worst fear I've known a handful of people in my life to have it This is a tough though

The cause is unknown Well if it's unknown then the wind might be one of the things It could be the wind Definitely I just don't want that to happen Bert has expressed That it's a major fear of his One time I got him

I was like The timing was right and I was just talking And then I looked at him and I was like What's happening to your face? You could see the panic He was like He thought you caught a mid-bells I had a teacher that came to school

After Bell's palsy Got him Man we were sitting there like Sadist, what happened to it And then he explained to us what it was But his whole face was like hanging off Teaching classes like that You know

You can't not look at it Of course But if it happened to you Wouldn't you stay in your house? Until it cleared up How many years does it take to resolve? Two weeks It starts to resolve itself in two weeks

Oh really? I thought it could be Indefinite I don't think it is I think it almost always resolves It so quickly It could take months You're right I got one fact

But it does start to improve in a few weeks By the way If there's no improvement You should tell your healthcare provider If your face Your face continues to slide off Pick up the phone I got so nervous

The first time I got a Filler done My plastic surgeon was like Is there a risk? One time I heard about this lady Going blind I have two little kids You didn't imagine that before the injection

I know Linda Evangelista She froze the fat off her body And now she got fatter She can't get rid of it She used to be a super mom She's suing Who's that lady that looks like a lioness?

That's wild She got fucked by that That's her The fat cells keep reproducing So she can't diet at all Isn't that crazy? That's really crazy That's it

Gorgeous We just talked about it We looked her up Cindy Crawford And Chrissy Charlington Looks unbelievable They're Genetics

Incredible Really? Six cheeseburgers a day Unbelievable Look at Chrissy Charlington I think she's one of the most Natural You're like this woman

That's her Well chiseled I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers No No You know what I'm saying? I definitely would Might tie her down for eating crackers

And this is like 93 I don't think people did Were they doing plastic surgery? I don't think there was no I don't think that's plastic surgery That's real I had met people at my show the other night They came with guests of people

One was a plastic surgeon And the other two were I think plastic surgeons But they offered me Free surgery And you're like I'm sorry I was happy I was like why are they offering it? You know what I mean?

Do you want us to fix you? They were 50 Both of them We ended up going out to dinner After the group When they told me they were 50 I couldn't believe it And they looked completely natural

You know how you can tell If someone told me you were like 33 years old I believe Really? I swear to you And they said they do this procedure That's called rejuvenation Like hundreds

Of tiny Cuts on you or something And then they do something To make your skin heal the cuts Like I don't know They just kind of shed your face or whatever The collagen regrows That's the theory

They cut you Micro-needling Your face is red for a day But then they do something that Your body's natural They just come out And they do that And then they were like

We will offer you it for free And I was wondering I never thought I'd be one to do that But they look fantastic And they don't look like they had any surgery The thing is those things You have to keep doing them It's not just once

I bet they go and do it a lot Do it I don't want to have monthly appointments There's nothing wrong with wanting to look Yeah, you'll look great You look great now You said that you thought the guy was 17 years younger

True Yeah, I would do it If the same scenario Happened to me I'd be like sure, I'll come see you I guess what's a hurt in one They're not hurting you I did it once

I would do it People assume To be clear That I am between 7 And 15 years older than I am You're going to get it To come down to your natural age They'll be like 45

Not close enough Yeah Even when you were 23 People were like 20 or 30 Always I finally saw my age for the first time After the pandemic And I was like oh shit

I'll be 46 in November You look great I appreciate that To be clear I saw you a couple of years ago And you definitely look younger than me And I'm younger than you You look too hard on yourself

You have a tight skin It's so handsome You have the best beard The best beard I wish I could have your beard You gotta look for the positive somewhere So it is a good beard It is a good beard

Take my beard and stand in front Of a train later today That's number 5 Tom Jesus Christ You want to talk about something Specific or? Fuck it

I just wanted to ask you You're from Staten Island Is the whole crew from Staten Island? So you guys are a group of people You're from Staten Island You could say that you're a clan Okay Well easy because on Staten Island

Staten means a couple things You could obviously the Wu-Tang Clan is super famous Have you thought of coming up with a clan name Something like the Coo-Cluck-Claire Something that like is a clan name Yeah I'd be lying if I say it didn't bang around in my head Okay, thanks

Where I net out is probably a bad idea It's definitely not It's certainly not Did you guys go It's always You know when you grow up somewhere You watch a movie and you're like Oh that's the fucking Topanga Mall

When 93 came around And this explosion Happens, was everybody like This is fucking from here? It was our proudest moment Really? People I hung out with We couldn't believe it

Staten Island's Forgotten Burrow And Hip-Hop especially Everybody always talks about the Bronx Brooklyn So you guys were like The Forgotten Burrow And then to have someone come out that was like Oh they're undeniable

This might be the greatest record of all time And then it was like I remember one time there was this little cluster You're in high school That's like the best 93 So that's like the best time for something like Cool to happen to you

It gives you like pride in it We had so much hometown pride I have more pride in them than I just do Of the general geography Staten Island But we There was this Fat Joe Came to perform on

Wave Street, this little club we had That was like there for decades Shit hole club, like a little Like venue And we all went And he was not coming out And he was getting later and later on The crowd was getting a little restless and everything

And then like after like 90 minutes After he was supposed to be on Some guy comes out from his camp and he's like Yo, Fat Joe has the flu And he's not going to come out And everyone just starts booing and booing and booing And he walks off and he comes back and he goes Alright look, Fat Joe has the flu

But for you, he's going to come out And everyone's just booing And Fat Joe walks out with the flu He's got like a towel over his head And then he just looked at everybody And he's like, fuck you He's like, you guys are nothing All you have is Wu Tang

If it wasn't for Wu Tang, this is a fucking garbage dump And like everyone in the crowd was like It was so mad and they were like, oh fuck man Like that was deep That cut deep, because we only have Wu Tang That's all we really had I really thought you were going to be like Wu Tang, you guys

But he just went in and was like, you guys aren't shit You guys aren't shit Without Wu I don't know anything about it I know that you are from there I know Wu Tang and I know Pete Davidson And then that's the only thing I know I don't know anything like

I don't know what it looks like I don't know what the culture is It's accessible I'm 15 minutes from the city But you know, you got Treeline streets And you ferry over? Depends on what point of my life you're talking about

When I went, I had 9 to 5 Downtown, out of college I would ferry every single day for years and years But Depending on the traffic, you have to plan everything I'm sure like you guys used to Whatever is the best of There was a lot of mom and pop stuff

A lot of old school neighborhoods Are there nice parts of it? Beautiful It just gets shit on though It gets shit on because It's got this Stereotypical Mafia

Very mafia Very conservative It's blue collar for sure But I think the worst Of it gets projected the most And it's like that kind of like do you know who I am Those people are everywhere Sure

So my best people I've ever met in my life are from there So I'd say check it out Tons of parks Good pizza, good food like that The ferry is the best Really? Yeah, it's free, it's 24 hours And it goes right past the Statue of Liberty

It's like a free 25 minute ride Really? You could drink beer on it They sell like tall boys and you get ice cold tall boys Go out on the top, sit on the deck And just 25 minutes, you could ride it back and forth What happens all day 24 hours? 24-7-365

Used to be like 50 cents when I was little But then that lifted a long long time ago And they used to be able to bring your cars on there But not after 9-11 Oh yeah, well thanks a lot Saudis One guy ruined it for everybody Just like the shoe bomber

Again, what group What group did they come from? I took my shoes off today Yeah, that fucking sucks It wasn't even, it didn't even prove good Sorry, we're deciding what room temperature is This feels colder than room temp It's room temperature

Okay It's probably slightly colder because of the air conditioning But it's basically room temp I like this, this is okay That is wild So she was saying that she likes her coffee She goes, I don't like it hot Or cold

I like it room temp and I was like, ugh So then I tried it and it was actually warm It was not hot, it was notably warm I was like, oh this is fine Now it's room temp and she's delicious Yeah Room temp never crossed my mind It doesn't cross anybody's mind

Because room temp is when you don't drink it for a while And then you pick it up and you sip and you're like, oh no Yeah, what I do is I put it down And when it's room temp I panic first because I go, is this like yesterday's coffee? Is this today's coffee? Because I usually keep multiples And then I get a wave of relief when I'm like, no this is today

It's been out for two hours Yeah, then I feel pride I can drink the rest of this I've heard of, I've been with people Who like piping hot And I think that's also insane When it's like the steam And you're like, how do you sip it?

It doesn't burn you? What's your jam? Are you into dunk and donut coffee? You had tea, yeah So I'll have coffee After a meal at a restaurant I'll have a cappuccino or something I don't like me too much with caffeine But I wish it did

So if I'm in the middle of a long shoot There or something Then they'll give me whatever it is And I'll drink it, I don't know if it does anything But it's psychological But at home, tea I have the rack of like, oh 20, 30 different teas in the kitchen

And then I bought this great mug That keeps it hot for like eight hours And I put the lid on it So this way I don't have to drink When I drink my tea Really, you pour it And then you have like, there's only like a window Of like five minutes where it's the perfect temperature

It's too hot and too cold Yeah, you're right So what I do is I put it in this thing And then I You can't sip it though right away Because then you'll kill yourself But you can bring it over to the couch And if I wasn't ready for the tea yet

It doesn't matter if I wasn't ready for the tea I could watch like a movie or even two Right back up But then when it becomes the right temperature In that canister, that holds for like two hours It does? Yeah, so you got to keep Opening and closing this little thing Just slide it

And then you can enjoy the perfect tea temperature Because I don't want to write I usually am a cold coffee drinker And I like it cold But sometimes you feel like hot But I don't like too hot And I don't like when it gets lukewarm It needs to be

You know what I mean? I like it Notably warm But not piping hot and not too cold It's a very specific temperature I'm going to get one of these I'll send you one I don't have them but I'll go to the store And get a few just because it's okay

Dude, that'd be really nice I would love to do it And just because you're doing that I'm going to put a sign out that says that's not sad At least Now I want to I want to get some of this stuff And you do Hey Babe with him

Which is really funny I see clips of it all the time You guys have natural Amazing chemistry together And then he's gay But then you also have Jory's out, me too Figuring it out

Would he be gay with you? I know you guys are emotionally close I would have to imagine yes Because I think any strong relationship leads Leading man face Character actor's body He says that Supporting girl

But then you do one with Derosa Chris is called Hey Babe Which is kind of how we address each other Why don't we just call it that That's how we start every sentence Derosa is called Taste Buds And it's me and him If you know Joe

You know that he will Suck the life out of you And challenge you And argue with you about The most minuscule one thing And so in order to sustain my relationship with him I said let's at least monetize this Because I can't take this anymore

Now You guys do a lot of takes on Foods and right and It's mostly like foods Like Oreo versus chips ahoy I love it We were talking briefly About

A couple things I feel strongly about People argue with me And they'll send me hate about this I don't give a shit Number one, Dunkin Donuts Is dog shit I absolutely think it is You mean the coffee not the donuts

The donuts are Fine Exceptional donuts I think they're really one of the middle donuts They're fine I like the crumbsy one What's crazy to me Is that people go

Out of their way To talk about how much They enjoy the coffee That's what I was going to say I've heard more accolades for the coffee This is straight Piss and motor oil It is the worst stuff I've ever had

And I've had it multiple times Are they a sponsor? No I thought you hated that much You just sacrificed it Because you had to speak the truth It's funny because People will be like

I really want a coffee I love coffee I drink it every day I'll skip Even if that means no coffee I'd rather have none What about Starbucks? I would have their

Because I like their nitro cold brew I'll take that Their iced coffee kind of sucks Not worse than Duncan And then their hot coffee They definitely have a better product than Duncan Yeah, they gotta have it Gregory's

We have a lot of Not blown up chains But that are really blue bottle We have Alfred's too The thing about I haven't had it in a long time It was a thing of You'd be on a road trip

15 to 20 years ago You want coffee, you'd pull over You'd get it at a gas station A lot of times it was pretty shitty quality That to me Is exactly what Duncan donates coffee Tastes like This is a shell station

Coffee And people are like I wake up every day And I'll drive my 23 miles On it And it's very Geographical though You find this with a lot of these

Takes about verses like stuff you're talking about So northeasterners In my experience A lot of them will fight for Duncan That region Originated or something The burger thing is very regional too You start getting into burger conversations

White castle We learned that early because we would put up A battle and people would have to be like What's Stella Doro What's a canish People didn't know Devil Dogs Devil Dogs Is it a sweet thing?

It's like the Drake's Two pieces of chocolate cake With the cream filling in the middle That's not big on the west coast That was my childhood It was ubiquitous I don't know what that is either Really?

I've never seen that before There's another Version of that They all have the Ice cream sandwich Twinkies I like the ding dong in the tin foil It's so shitty

It was waxy The chocolate was waxy You mean the little Debbie? That bitch tries to knock them all off She's undercut some Everything's a quarter It's like waxy chocolate It says chocolate cupcakes

Those are called I might be misremembering But I feel like the ring ding Had a ding dong Counter part I don't know how this is possible I think there was another one called A king dong

I think Unless I'm going crazy But I remember king dong King dong King dong Because king dong is like Oh ding dong They're playing with fire

They are I also feel like Those always look better than they taste You don't taste that That is a perfect sweet treat The only time that That is killer Is the bakery version

Where somebody Cakes with the this thing Fresh bakery The pastries Fresh It just knocks that so far Every confection candy Everything that we argue was better

When we were younger It's all gotten smaller with less good ingredients And taste cheaper I have one Do you remember McDonald's Hot apple pie Back in the day when we were kids

Piping hottest buck And greasy And good Have you had one lately? Fucking disappointment No oily greasy Perfectly baked and healthy Not enough inside

Every time McDonald's comes up I just keep thinking What those Hot fries are like The greatest thing Fresh McDonald's French fries Right now it's this day and age McDonald's fries And I haven't had them

I don't remember the last time But I have so many memories And McDonald's will do this too If you get them and they're not piping hot They'll make them for you They go the extra mile with the fries I love those fries You said that was in the handbook though

I think it is You had someone at the counter I think I threatened You said it like it came down Like an edict for Ronald He's telling them He's the boss Ronald's like if anyone

Wants their fries warmer You'd do it What would be your burger list though? Yeah let's do this We did Wendy's vs McDonald's If you did any chain Do you have You gotta be careful

Fast casual Fast casual is fucking up fast What's a fast casual? Like in and out Wow Fast casual would be a shake shack Of five guys They're like a little bit

They're a little bit better ingredients They're more money They're not drive-thrus Usually For the most part those ones are in and out But like shake shack and five guys You gotta dine in base Going to get it out

It's just not the same They don't try to lure you with toys True fast foods would be like McDonald's Taco Bell Burger King Amongst your fast casuals Who would you rank as your number one fast casual? Fast cash

I go from where I am East Coast They got good That's smash burger Oh smash burger is good too though But I mean shake shack makes a good smash burger Yeah It's that greasy like

Not like this big hockey puck type thing You know That burger is killer dude I'm sorry I'm gonna have to go in and out Animal style We were just talking about this Because Andrew Santino told me A couple days ago that in and out burger

Is not an LA thing People think it is Nobody in LA really cares for it That's insanity That's insanity He's not in Angelina He's not from LA He doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about

He's out of his mind It's a fucking thing First of all I mean listen I've lived by one of those It's a neighborhood like everybody Lines up at that place It's dangerous if you live by that

How many things are on Not on the menu that you could order besides the animal It's like 15 It's significant You search for it right now If you do in and out secret menu it'll come up Back in the day But it's a thing that

If you talk to people I had the hook up My friend Dan was the manager at the Woodland Hills one He told us back in the 90's All the codes So these are things that are not on the menu In the things that aren't on the menu Are there products that they're ordering

That they need to keep in stock Probably not Flying Dutchman I learned that one If you're kind of going What's it called? What is it? Just burgers and cheese? You're holding the paper there Would you step up and be like

I'll take a flying Dutchman They think nothing of it They don't give you props 4x4 4x4 is intense What's a Scooby snack? Scooby snack is a One step

A burger patty Hard to The secret menu item Hands down the most fun to announce At the front of the internet Literally just a burger patty All right Mustard grilled patty

You've done that one? Yeah What was that? No animal style is grilled onions And everything's mixed up On the grill so it comes to you nice and sloppy The meat is broken up too No that's the only thing that isn't

Everything else is That's animal I think they're stretching secret menu items When they label in one extra salt See that's animal It's like grilled onions with the melted cheese And the special sauce I don't think that fries are good though

Wow There's my animal What's your favorite fry? That's a fresh sliced They're doing it right there You know If you walk and peek in You see them slicing the potatoes

That sounds good You got the burger on the fries With animal style Something to get next time we spend our One time visiting Santino To get the roadkill fries The only Let's see what it says

That's good I get that for the kids There's an In-N-Out here in Momston Yeah that's true I was a vegetarian for like 15 like 22 years old Oh I thought he was 22 years Damn It was hard to be a vegetarian back then

I remember that People used to tell me you can get a vegetarian When you go to McDonald's or whatever Can I get a vegetarian Just everything without the meat So it's the bread and cheese And I was like how could you call this a vegetarian

So I ate a lot of those That was in high school? 15 to 22 years old That's a good run man Yeah not even at fish actually either You were like a true vegetarian Or you just were curious to do it I was caught up in that whole movement

Of like documentary passed around And meat is murder and all that stuff Yeah that is surprising That's so gay It's the truth It's very gay But it's also like you got a real heart In hindsight I was like oh I was so gay

Look at how gay I was Well the way I came off of being a vegetarian Was definitely not What was it? Definitely not gay I was drunk And I was like I'm gonna do this

And I came out of a bar or whatever And then I got on the drive-thru on foot Really? They served me chicken nuggets How sick did you get? That was seven years You get so sick Six minutes before it came out violently

Six minutes I was at the divider crossing the street And I was on Patrick Gress cars And I just leaned over and it shot out You ever see them vomit on Family Guy? It just came out with Like a fire hose

And then my next attempt I'll remember them because they were traumatic My next attempt was My parents had My parents, my step-mommy and spaghetti And meatballs and they were leftovers And so in the middle of the night I was like maybe I'll just try a meatball then

And I went down and I was like In hindsight it was so sad It was like everyone was sleeping And I just had the fridge Light was on and I was like I took it out of a tupperware and I was eating I didn't even close the fridge because I was like I wanted to eat it and put it back right away

It was so good It was good It just took a second to be like Remind me that you like it again Yeah And then you were in though? I was in after the meatball We went back to this french fry discussion

So what's your top fry? Fast food Fast casual and then we'll do fast McDonald's is up there People will yell at me but I think Wendy's Is pretty good too We did a Wendy's versus McDonald's And I know you guys don't really

Fucks with Wendy's out here right? Like I've had Wendy's for sure a number of times I took Wendy's I swear to God I think he has McDonald's shares We've had 78 episodes thus far He has brought McDonald's up

In 65 episodes And only one episode has been about McDonald's It's unbelievable It's like clockwork But Wendy's beat McDonald's You want to try Wendy's? No Because they're square Their patties are square

I've just never got into them Oh that's a big deal That was a little redheaded Twat You couldn't place the name So Her fries you think are the best Wendy's

I think they compete with McDonald's But I think McDonald's are hard to top The king of all That's a straight fast food though And then fast casual I'm going to probably go with a curly fry from somewhere A curly fry is outstanding Hardies?

Do you guys have Sonic? I've been to many Sonic's Sonic is a good curly fry No that curly fry is fantastic It should be the number one fry I don't know what they do to make it taste like that But no fry tastes better than that And onion rings

I love Carl's Jr's onion rings I dip those in the barbecue sauce I haven't had Carl's Jr's onion rings Let me ask you something This is like a question about food But more about service And I want to know your opinion on this This has happened to me

Oh yeah, Arby's Arby's is a good Oh is that a list there? That corner? What's that? Oh it's there A waffle fries too But can I tell you a waffle fry

No But there's more crunch in the waffle fry Wait a minute Chick-fil-A fries I think they have the absolute 100% worse fries Of anybody The waffle fry? Oh no they're regular fries

You're in the south That's what they have I'm trying to remember Chick-fil-A Chick-fil-A fucks Bro How? So fresh

Do you don't like those? The regular ones Those are the regular ones? Oh but they're not seasoned The curly fry They're not I'm not big on sauces Wow

It adds a lot of unwanted calories That really aren't necessary If you just take a moment to enjoy the taste Of the actual thing You can skim off calories here and there And you can look at me and you don't think I do that But just imagine What I would look like if I didn't skim the sauce

It's funny But see I eat foods just to eat the sauces Like barbecue I could be indifferent to the actual meat It's the sauce that I'm really into Totally true I'll do McDonald's With my nuggets I'll do them

Especially the sweet and sour I feel like they're chintzy on those sauces now They're half the depth The receptacles half the depth Right under my nose is they cut it in half They went from an ounce to a half ounce Nobody blinked Everyone's doing it

Don't even get me started on Tropicana It's a 64 ounce jug It's now 59.5 ounce They can go fuck off at Tropicana And the prices are as high as fresh squeezed This is bullshit dude Seven dollars Serial orange juice and greeting cards

Fuck off I have opinions about I like this I've been saving this for you I brought this up on the way in And I haven't brought it up until you're here I really want your take on this I've been on this crazy tour

We talked about So If we have two shows in a night Which is a lot of times then we eat Between the shows Which means a runner brings it in On one show nights almost every time We go out to eat

After the show We have a lot of meals out A lot of times We might be sitting down for that meal Let's say After 10 for sure And typically On a one show night

Maybe we got to that town I work out usually A couple hours before the show Then I go do the show By the time we get to that restaurant I'm pretty hungry I performed I worked out

So a lot of times when we sit down Several come over Waters People order Excuse me Would you mind throwing in these appetizers To get us started And then we'll order our entrees

In a bit 99% of the time They're like yeah sure A few times including last weekend I was like could you throw these in And the guy goes We actually like to Take everybody's order

Everyone order all at once And then I'll put in the appetizer and entrees Then Is that alright? And I go no And he's like We're really hungry So I don't want to wait until You take everybody's order

And he's like I'll see what I can do Is this a different restaurant than other restaurants? Do you mean the universal standard For ordering and cooking doesn't apply here? And then guess what? He came back, I was able to do it I was like great, we'll order our entrees in a little bit

And went off the chain This guy did it to me in Jersey too Where he was like let's wait till everybody He goes let's wait till everybody gets here Because we had people coming before you ordered And I go absolutely not What? And I go We're not waiting for them to get here

Order this because this is what I want to order now And he was like We like to wait till everyone's here I'm like what are you talking about? I wonder if that guy Because We I wonder if that guy is just

A waiter that wants to Make it easy on himself Because the kitchen I wouldn't think if I'm thinking logically The kitchen doesn't want everything to come in at once Table six What's dip? We got to know if they're going to have chicken

Or salmon after that The kitchen always wants it in order Because when I waited tables I would put the appetizer in And when they're halfway through the appetizer Then you put the main courses in The waiter has to time it So that the kitchen knows what to do So that's very odd

Unless they're on a different computer system I just don't know It's pretty rare It's just bullshit I would have done the same exact thing I would have took a stand I've taken a stand every time it's happened And I feel like it's kind of the equal

Flex of a security guard Who goes like No Is trying to flex their power I'm not going to open the gate right now And you're like what? We need to get in here I feel like those servers

Are just Flexing You'll order the way I want you to order Right How do you feel about no substitutions? I respect it though I kind of respect it I've been with people

Who are Their substitutions are egregious It's almost offensive To listen to them and try to You should just go to the grocery store Maybe they should put no egregious Substitution When someone is like

I don't like onions You're not going to Allow somebody to modify Just something they don't like They're already in it We make them with it in it already Everything is pre-made Do you substitute a lot?

I don't substitute a lot I'm pretty laid back I'm like how chef recommends It also feels fun to say it It does I'll put it in a good way Like an adult I've had

I order salmon a lot How would you like your salmon? I'll go medium rare and they're like Chef will be happy about that They're like And you're waiting for it every time you order salmon You're waiting for it every time you order salmon And sometimes I bet you people don't say it

And you just feel a little let down You're right And I'll actually be like What does chef think of that? I'm sorry You want me to be impressed? I have friends I have friends that will order steak

Like well done Dude, I hate that My tour manager does At the table I clutch my pearls You're going to make a Our whole reputation is going to go down My tour manager orders steak Well done and butterflied

Is he phobic? Because he wants to see every single He wants it to be like beef jerky And like the only time Not like a char but not a high five The only time he's ever I looked at him and he was like We were at a restaurant where they had

Genuine A5 wagyu Japanese wagyu And they're like how would you like it And I go You're not doing it to this Defeating the purpose And I asked him because it's always interesting

People's preferences In all types of things Especially in food Why do you like it? There's got to be an origin story To liking it like this And there is It's that as a kid his dad Liked the steak like bleeding

Like basically raw meat And I think was like encouraging Eating that so he just went the opposite Way He went to an extreme because he was Given an extreme I didn't eat a lot of steak growing up No, my dad

I didn't know that A1 sauce Just doused On your steak means that you're like a Fucking hillbilly I didn't know that until I was In my twenties because It's just how you're raised That was my dad's standard

So I was just like oh poor I realized that if you're eating Like quality meat That's prepared well, seasoned That sauce is just masking That's disrespectful I don't like A1 sauce It also doesn't taste like it looks

They're right about that I've grown to dislike it But I remember once we went to this Argentine place in L.A. La La's They were La La's right? It's like a small There's a few of them in L.A. When I was in my twenties

That was when you get to a city And you're like I don't know L.A. is overwhelmingly big So if my parents came to town I would only know a few places like let's go here It's a nice restaurant It's not a $200 a plate But it's a nice sit down

Experience and the Argentines Are known for steak So we sit down We order steaks And my dad's like let me get an A1 And they're like of course He goes out and a fucking Another guy comes in

In street clubs, not a server And he goes Is that a problem with the steak? And my dad is Sounds like an else guy That's so clueless he's like He's like is that a problem with the steak? And my dad's like no

He's like you want A1s folks? He's like yeah He's like so you want to ruin the steak And my dad's like no steak for you My dad's like He's like yes He was the owner And so they came out and they were just like

There you go They had it though And then he didn't It didn't affect him when he was like And then as I got older I would take him to Fucking Five star steak houses

And I'd be like take a bite Without the A1 And then we got to the point where In the last couple of years He would take a bite and he goes guess what So good it doesn't need A1 You weaned him off it I was like just try the meat man

Like if you're a baby Two more bites Two more bites without it And then go ahead Exactly I was basically making Fucking airplanes Do you remember that time we were at a steak house In the valley with your parents

And your dad was talking about this woman's vaginal burns And then the waitress was like What the fuck And he was like Oh so he died Did I miss a piece of the information? The context is that My dad was on the hospital board

For a while So he always had like Cratics, bullshit He always talked about the gaps In healthcare and all these things He would just have all these stories About what's going on in medical care And so

He also had like a real gift for Just bringing up Vile and crazy things Like at the most inopportune Moment people are eating He'd be like you know who died You're like eating a salad He's like my cousin

Sad He's like I didn't really know her But yeah she's dead And then he was like you know what happened At the hospital They burned this woman's vagina With this Chemical

And we were all like what They were supposed to use this stuff And so we had to write her a big check For that The waitress was putting down her What are you guys talking about It's a really nice story We do this bit on a show where we play waitress

And when they ask for the specials We tell them that the restaurant Is a little eccentric but when they ask for the specials The specials are insane And like we had to get them to Try a special I wish I had the list in front of you But it's ridiculous

I remember one of mine was stunned wallaby And then they ask what it's about We got a wallaby in the back We knock him up around the bit And he's still fresh And just stuff like that And you wouldn't believe people Because cuisine is like

You don't really know I'd like to try that Alright I'll bring out some We'll try it Could you stun one for me How do you guys do the show at this point With how well The show is airing 24 seven

Like the fucking Staten Island Ferry 365 Multiple channels You can't like not see your show So how do you pull off like is it disguises No we don't want to do disguises We just have like We have like a book of

We've learned how to do it We're more in public And we're just approaching people in public Which we couldn't do the last two years We had to figure out how to work in COVID But if they know us We just get the next person As long as we're in New York City

Like a Presentation Meeting or in a waiting room Just like anything else They would sign up for that ahead of time And they come and get $40 To participate in a focus group So we run that just as it's supposed to

But we give them a questionnaire And it's thick but somewhere in there So it's not obvious it's like What are you eating What television shows do you watch What stations do you like the most We don't even call them And then when we do call them

If we need five people we'll call in 20 people And then When we'll put them in different Holding rooms And we'll be set up in a room On another floor down the hall And we have a producer come in and be like We'll take you to the thing now

So there's only three at a time So if someone recognizes us And they don't contaminate the whole group So we then usher them in small groups And then one of us is on the phone In the hallway or something like Make Believe And so then if they look up And they have any recognition

We yank them before they even get there By the way, that's elaborate It's kind of elaborate But it doesn't work if they know the show That's great that you guys take those steps to do it That keeps it authentic Because you watch us and you're like How do you not recognize these guys

Sometimes people, they'll tell them They'll be like They're not expecting it And then they'll go, I know the show I've seen the show, I didn't place it That's okay If someone at the end tells us Guess what?

Like I knew the show I'm just like I don't say it like that I feel it in my heart But you go like You're gonna fucking take 10 or 12 minutes I was like, why did you take up You know the show

At a time so you could say gotcha And then we're like Now it can't go on And they're like, oh really? Yeah I did it one time, not your show obviously But I did I'd love to come on your show

We're doing guests now Yeah, I would love to But I did A friend had a A camera prank And he asked me to And basically play a part And I played somebody

It'd be like if you asked me to show up And act like I don't recognize you So I did it and I played really stupid And it made it onto the air And then The guy that produced that Didn't know that I was doing that He didn't know that I was a plant

He just thought I was randomly there And then he said that he got calls from people Like he was like People were saying nice plant Because you were already No, no, it was before that It was more than 10 years ago But why did they recognize that you were a plant?

Because I played I was in this store Like I was a regular patron But I knew to be there And this thing, the guy was just really disappointed That he got He feels like I tricked him Because I wasn't a genuine

I wasn't a genuine guy I just pretended I got on this thing Sometimes people are mad There's no reason for them to be mad It's a knee jerk emotion reaction But they feel duped It's in good fun

So sometimes they don't want to sign That's another big thing If something gets gold and everything We tell them let's take your number We'll show you it Go home, call people Someone probably knows it Sometimes we'll do this thing

And everyone starts clapping And it's almost like Group Trying to get them to Everyone's like you're great You're wonderful It just reminds me of I saw this girl

Who shot this porno She was double penetrated And then she goes It's a cool story She goes where is this going to be And they're on the internet But I don't want anybody to see it She is crying

See look how happy he is Remember when you're like What does Tom get stoked about? My next visit I'll understand the topics better It's not normal But that's not normal That this girl humiliated a doing porn It was funny because

I will say though what did she think the cameras are for That's the thing is that You can see the guys and they're like They're like looking at each other And looking at the guy and they're like No this will be on the internet Somebody I know sees it And they're like

That's what happens And she's like when will it come off So you actually thought this was a back room audition man Yeah Oh what a dope So you just got in that van Yeah You got in the bus

I'll find the clip it's really good Yeah it sounds hilarious I like the dichotomy Look how happy he is But it is a fun dichotomy A girl that will do double penetration But then the buck stops Right there

Just for the joy of it Oh wait a minute this is for money I was doing this for fun I'm wild And then they Put it on and they even put the behind the scenes up Those guys are horrible I only saw that clip

I saw the clip of The post scene So the girl is just like They're like oh what do you think of this And she was just like oh something like You know this isn't going to be like Shown places and they were like What

You see the cameras and she was like yeah But like where will it be And they're like on the internet On the internet forever And she was like what Because I keep rolling No the guys were like DVD extras

At that point I think maybe I would Rip up the contract And just get the next Person in the waiting room I feel like this was Europe Europe is different They are in clad with their contracts

Everybody knows that What a fun memory I'm going to lead with DP stuff Next time I'm going to lead with it Do you like those? I'm going to come in with Three DP stories to start Have you Did you guys ever go like

Let's take this ride, this fame for a ride This impractical joker Like let's just see if we can get a girl To sample all four flavors No I see where you're coming from And be like hey guess what Here's the camera up there

We're going to have to blur you If you don't sign I can see where you're coming from I can see where you're No I was already in like relationships You didn't trick a girl Into

Of course I don't think I'd want to do A fan Yes I don't think I'd want to do that with them I don't understand I don't understand the porns Where the two guys are straight yet

I know How does that It could work, it's fine How do you Straight, straight, woman in the middle Everything's touching Or you could be in the same room You're just in the game

I knew two girls in college that would always Bang dudes simultaneously And I was like how does that go down And then tomorrow you're like hey what's up Nothing happened I think I'd be mortified to see my friend Bangin' You look like you're not that upset

Is that something you did? No I don't want to be sexual around Another friend It's weird to me They're different You'll feel more sexual there That's cool Tom

That's a good story I'm going to book passage to Europe Let's go together Let's go check out Share a room We'll share a room, we'll share a girl, we'll be fine That's right You know anybody that does that like a swinging

Open lifestyle I do You know this person too Currently swinging No I'm not going to say their name on the air You want me to write down? I do

I don't know do you do I know a few people, I don't know how it ends though I don't think it ends well Actually This person I don't think is with their Forever partner That's no longer a thing I think it does ruin

I listened to this podcast with Esther Perrell I met her recently You did? Oh wow, how did you get to meet her? A crazy thing Someone invited me to a dinner Where you're supposed to go and be anonymous So they invite like

12 people to a dinner And nobody knows who's getting invited And you go to this address, they don't give it to you So like the day of And then you go to this address and you check in And you meet these people and no one is allowed to say Who you are, what you do And then you all cook this meal together

You're not allowed to talk about your profession Anything but And then after like an hour and a half of cooking And drinking, you all sit down And you have the meal together and then you start at the table And then if it's me The other 11 people All individually guess what they think I do

And then it goes to the next person, the next person, the next person And it's all anonymous Is this a TV show? No, it's a real life thing that's been happening For like a decade And you can only get referred to it I can only refer you in a heartbeat Who do you want to refer?

Oh, so I would love to do this Roy Wood Jr. referred me to That's very cool She was there Yeah, so Esther Proul has this great podcast Which she talks to couples, it's couples therapy And she has, I just listened to an episode with swingers

And the woman Was an Indian, she was raised in India So she felt that her sexuality had been stifled She's been with the same guys since they were teenagers Basically, and they swing And it lasted for two years But then you find that the root cause of their issues Weren't necessarily the sexual behavior

The swinging But it was like deeper, it's always a deeper thing It's always deeper So the swinging actually worked out for these folks It was like other stuff going on with a man Like he was very insecure And he Yeah, he was miserable, he was depressed and angry

And stuff all the time But to hear them talking to each other I'm currently dating, and she knew all the Pauly, buzz words You know, we're not Jealous Whatever the words are, I don't know them offhand It's pretty rough to listen to

When she's like, I'm dating some other people He's dating, but I'm the primary Right And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? I guess if it works for you, that's the whole thing Right, if it works I think she famously coached Will Smith and Jada Smith

Is that right? Oh really? I don't know what's going on there So at that moment She said you guys were all guessing And then she's like I'm a clinical psychologist or whatever I forgot how she said it

But And if you happen to know one of the people You don't say anything Just in case There was a guy from a really famous Country band there It was the head of I think like

A really, really, really, really high up It's anything from CEOs To musicians, to artists To inventors, to scientists It's a crazy show Me too, sign us up I'll connect you on an email with them

Sounds really cool We go to New York every now and then Alright, we gotta wrap up And this was a fucking treat Thank you for coming I appreciate you guys having me on Absolutely, anytime Anytime you are

Don't forget To pre-order the book Don't forget to go to ChristinaPie online Tickets You're on tour All the dates are out right now Just announced Vegas and like 20 new cities

So, yeah Thanks guys It was good everybody I just came on here real fast To say something to all of you guys All of you guys really disrespected me Yesterday, if I commented in my comment section Daddy, not a gon

And Daddy Jill Bro, I already told you guys That is real disrespectful You guys tell me that bro Don't be commenting, no Daddy Jill Don't comment, no not a gon Stop telling me Daddy Jill Stop commenting all that stuff under my post

I like women I like women Hey, what's up I got a message I got a message for everybody Especially all the guys They don't listen to me bro I like women

Justin Bart Bro, you guys are not gonna give me the mark We're putting all these dog emojis in my comments bro I'm not a dog I'm not a kid bro I'm not none of that bro Bro, Justin Bart Justin Bart

Bro, I'm a human I have a heart and a soul I know dogs do too but bro I'm a human, nobody watch me on the leash I'm a human bro I got two legs Daddy, not a gon Daddy Jill

I like women Daddy, not a gon Daddy Jill Justin I like women Please stop trying to make me look better I'm just clapping on you guys Stop commenting Daddy under my post

That's all I ask for you guys' respect But you guys go crazy bro I had almost 400 comments last night Only you guys calling me Daddy bro Come on bro Please Please Daddy, not a gon

I like women Please, please Hey, what's up tiktok, this is slobber Daddy, not a gon Daddy Jill I like women Daddy, not a gon Daddy Jill

Please, please Please, please Daddy, not a gon Daddy Jill Yes, dude I like women I like somebody who really needs to like I don't know

Somebody needs to grab my thing They can listen so they can know it's not a joke Bro, stop putting yourself in my screen But I'm telling you guys bro I'm not talking to one of you bro I'm talking to all of you guys in my comment section bro Look, he keeps putting these little flying things in my screen What is wrong with you?

Thank you for the follow bro, appreciate that I gotta deal with these other people