Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 660 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 15, 2022

LA! Tom is doing a special event to celebrate the launch of his book "I'd Like To Play Alone Please." Come out June 23th at 8:00pm! Tickets available at https://livetalksla.org/events/tom-seguraJEANS UP!! This week on YMH, Tom Segura and Christina P discuss their shared sickness, CP’s J glasses, bad roommates, “Top Gun,” Laverne Cox’s Barbie and the new renditions of Ken. They watch a video of a guy giving very cool weight loss advice, and respond to emails from a candidate to be Tom’s Italian best friend, an elevator mechanic weighing in on CP getting stuck and an analysis of Garth Brooks’ strange Ukraine video. Plus, Christina has a dental update, and there is a YMH exclusive - the Main Mommies have to give away their dog, Bitsy. They call Tom’s mom, Charo, who they are giving her to. CP also reveals she’s recently had several Pazsitzky Effects, and they wrap up watching a batch of TikToks.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

Los Angeles. I'm having a book event June 23rd. It is Live Talks LA. It's going to be a book event where there will be signings and a long discussion about the book. I'd love to see you there. Click the link in the description below and get tickets. Love to see you there. Your voice is so sexy. You sound like Alec Baldwin. Oh yeah. You usually have a deep voice, but now you sound like... Yeah, you sound like Alec Baldwin. Go Ilaria. We need to make more children. Ilaria. Seven or siete, like you like to say. Isn't enough. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

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support, and just a great mattress you're going to sleep better. Go to satva, s-a-a-t-v-a.com slash the shit for $200 off any mattress of your choice. Yeah, you like uncircumcised guys as I recall, right? Zzzz, I recall. Yeah, of course there's come in those balls. Of course there's come in those balls. That's what balls are for. Yeah. They're come, come, come receptacle. They're not come receptacles. They're not come receptacles. They're come containers. They are. That's the word. They are. Yeah. They have it all. They have it all. Yeah. All the come. I missed you. I love you. You and I are sick as dogs. We're high on soup. Do you see how I didn't

even catch it? Don't even care. I'm so used to your indifference of my emotion. I love you. Watch that. And this morning, this morning we were getting ready. And I was like, Tom, you're so handsome. You just get more handsome with age. I just love you so much. And he's just like, yeah. I gotta take a shit. You totally ignore. And I was like, I was like to our beautiful sons, I go, children, look how handsome your dad is. Look how, how great he is. Yeah. And our youngest said, I hate you. I'm very sick, actually. I shouldn't be doing this. I'm on a lot of meds. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm on Sudafed. And the good news is I'm down two LBs already. Nice. I'm on Sudafed, Zyrtec, Advil, and Antibiotic, a prescription cough suppressant,

MindBullet, some Kratom to get me like. And something else. Oh, Musin XDM and one other thing. Anyway, this is an unwise choice, but we prioritize this podcast even though when our health is in jeopardy. So sometimes I don't react the way that I. You're blaming your sickness? On my emotional reactions. Yeah. And like, yeah. What? I can't blame my sickness on that. You can. You can. I shouldn't. Oh, yeah. You know, I'll give you some license on that. It does dull your. It does. It totally dulls your reactions. Listen, the whole Segura household has been in a month of sickness turmoil. It's been ongoing. It's like waves and waves and waves. We'll get into it because it's actually resulting in a big

YMH exclusive. Yeah. We'll get into it. But first, I'd like to note that my look today is upsetting It is. I thought it looked very, I like, I think those glasses are rad. I think they're red too. This reminds me of my mom in the early 80s. They look like throwback. It totally looks like a throwback. But Nadav, what do you think I look like? I think you look like a fucking Jew. You look like all of the mothers of my friends when I grew up that were just like, sweetie, we have some Salisbury steak in the fridge. If you're hungry. Nadav, would you like some goffing? Oh my God. Nadav, I made a canoodle. My PTSD is kicking in. Please stop. He's so triggered by this look. This is really upsetting. I love it so much. He's often triggered by anything

that looks like a Jew. I know. It's so funny. Yeah. Nadav, tell me about your trip to Israel. God, you're just gonna keep those on the whole show. I'll tell you about the trip, but you gotta take those glasses. He's gonna murder me. How much weight did you gain in Israel? I lost weight. He lost weight. Oh, fuck. I'm so bummed that we didn't weigh him before. But he lost. I know. How did you lose weight? Why are you taking pride in me getting fatter? Because it's fun. Oh. But wait, so how did you lose weight in Israel? Thank you. I appreciate it. What were you eating? Non-American food. Like the thing is, when you visit other countries, they prepare food the way you're supposed to without a whole bunch of preservatives

and processed bullshit. So I ate meat, salads, whatever the fuck's the promise. Yeah. Well, that's good. Olive oil. Yeah. I ate good. I ate nice. Yeah. Feels good. Yeah. Yeah. Can we take those glasses off? I've never seen him like this. He's so upset about the glance. I remember when we were in the LA studio and we had somebody come to do a estimate on the soundproofing. Oh, I remember. I remember. How'd it go? He goes, we can't do it. And I go, why? He goes, it's a fucking Israeli guy, dude. We're not doing it. I go, what? He goes, watch. This guy's full of shit, right? He's Israeli. I don't think we should do any business with them. What? The funny thing is, I go, well, it sounds like a pretty good offer the guy made. The next day, he goes,

what did I tell you? And I go, what? He goes, the guy called me back. He already raised his estimate $6,000. Yeah. And then he raised it again. That's what they do. They. They? Look, and I will say there are some good ones, you know? Yeah. It's just hard to find. Wow. And they're usually not in the sales industry. I feel like I've heard my uncle say a version of this before. I think my dad says it about a different group of people. He's 82. Yeah. My dad would not do business with Arabs. Yeah. If they called, my dad would be like. He told me this. He told me this. I think the day I met him. The day I met him. Because you had preface and he said that he tells them it's already, it's not for sale. So what he does is he answers the phone. He used to have a forklift

business and he'd be like, oh shit, the minute I hear that fucking accent. I say, sorry, I have no forklift for you. Sorry. Sorry. And then I hang up. Yeah. He said because they like to like mean it. This fucking accent. That's all Middle Eastern. Yeah. That's going to be problem. He's got this trouble. I don't know fucking trouble. No, no, no. It's not for sale now. He said they would be like, how about this one? He's like, it's already sold. He's sold. It's sold. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you go to get out? Yeah, it's gone. Sorry. What I did. I think I've I don't know if I've told this before. I did real estate in Boston for like, you know, a summer. And obviously there's discrimination laws for a reason. And some of these owners were

old as fuck, Boston, you know, hardcore. Yeah. And like, when I was a new, I'm a new agent to the realtor, the office would be like, go meet this person that owns this building. And be like some old Boston lady. And she'd be like, so just so you know, I want Asians and I want women. Yeah. Don't bring me any other shit. And I was like, ah, okay. And I was like, to my boss, I was like, can we do that? He's like, well, no, but you're gonna. Well, like, okay, preferably an Asian woman. That's what she was like. That's the best. She was like, I want Asians and women. And if they're both, we're good to go. Perfect. Because a nice Asian, I had an Asian girl roommate. Yeah. In college, Teenie. Yeah. And she was the quietest,

the best. That's what they're hoping. That's what they're coming and going. Banking on. The only thing with Teenie, the problem was, is that her food stink. And she would cook stuff. Well, to you. No, but I like it. You're a fucking white piece of shit. Oh, I like that stuff. You know me, if you listen to the show, you know, I love flavors. You had dim sum for breakfast. Yeah. I like stinky flavors. But my other gringo roommates didn't like her, they would taste the fish sauce and make fun of her. Like, oh, what is this weird Asian stuff? Yeah. But I like it. They're whiteies. Yeah. They're honkeys. Yeah. But she was an ideal roommate. Now, you know, who was the worst roommate I ever had? I lived with four people. Okay.

Who? I'll tell you, I'll tell you who are the worst roommates I've had. I've had a lot. White kids, white boys. Oh, yeah. White guys are the fucking grossest. Let me tell you, I had one white guy, he lived in one of our rooms. The glass was broken in the room, in the window, no window in San Francisco in the wintertime. So it's raining and blowing wind, and he would just let it be. And then he would bring milk into his room and leave it there, and it would curdle plates of macaroni and cheese. White boys are nasty. White boys are the grossest. And then I had another white boy roommate. Same thing, mold on the walls, didn't seem to care. It's just filthy, stunk. I had a black roommate in college for a summer,

by far, the best roommate. And we called him the mayor of black, because like, the whole black community, and they all looked up to him. So we would be like, hey, Tony. The mayor of black. The mayor of black. And he was like, I mean, his room was always clean. He was always fucking a lot of different girls. Good for him. And they would like scream, like, oh, they'd be like, oh, Tony, man, like scream it. We would be in there like, oh my god, he's really laying the pipe down on this one. They would really scream like that. Yeah. And then he would do shit. Like he would be like, I'd be like, hey, rent's due. And he'd be like, yeah, and he would throw a bag of weed at my face. He'd be like, there's your rent right there.

And he would just turn around. We didn't even talk about it. I was like, all right. And I go to my other roommate, I'm like, Tony just threw me this like half ounce for rent. And he's like, all right, I guess that's good. It's amazing. It sounds like a perfect roommate. I changed my ever revised it. One time I came in. Asian girl, I want a black guy instead. One time we we got into the apartment. And it was like after the first of the month, and we go in the kitchen. And all the cabinets are full of groceries, like new groceries, like cereals, snacks, bread, sandwich, all this shit. I was like, who did all this? And Tony goes, there's your rent right there. Even better. We're like, that's not rent. But okay. Thank you. So my white guy

roommate, we all went home for winter break and he stayed in the apartment. It was five of us living there. We came back and the phone bill was like $900. And I was like, what the fuck? Oh, sorry. Take his name. Oh, no. He's not. But we were like, what the fuck? He should be. I think he did a lot of math in college. He was really smart, but he was one of those kids. He is funny. All the guys I went to school that were super smart did hardcore drugs like that. But anyway, turns out he had called 976 numbers. Remember those those porno numbers? This is before the internet. Can I tell you as a I'm a fucking horny dude, probably less horny than I was. 20 years ago. You know what I mean? Like, I'm fucking I'm a dirty. But even your adult, the 40

something year old, that shit never appealed to me. 976 numbers. No, I was I was like, talked. No. No, you want to see it? Yes. Yeah, show me the tip. So what did you J or D to before the internet and pornography? Scrambled spice channel stuff. And then I mean, I would, you know, because I've always looked 35 years older than I am. I went to a strip club when I was 14. And they were like, Hello, sir. Here's a table. Full beard. What about sports illustrated? Me when they were hot? Yeah. Yeah. Side side by the way. Yeah, another sidebar. Yeah. One of my friends flew with Miss Piggy a few weeks ago. And he pointed out he goes, Yo, she's way fucking bigger than you think she is. Like, she is a big old bitch. By Miss Piggy, you mean the sports

illustrator heavy set heavy? Yeah. I mean, the fucking now you don't have to. You don't have to do we get it. Let me tell you a little story. This is a little sidebar. Oh, may I have a snot rag too? Oh, yeah. Sidebar. So I was in the Aero Puerto. And I see these two adorable lesbians looking at the sports illustrated covers. Yeah. And there's the old lady Elon Musk's mom, and then Miss Piggy. Yeah. And I hear them saying, Oh, where's Kim Kardashian's cover? Where's Kim? And they were looking and looking and I walked up to them and I go, Well, I bet you she sold out the first. I bet you she's completely sold out. I go, Look at all these of the old lady in the fat. So nobody wants it. Because here's the thing. If you're buying the old broad, or the

fucking, that's one person. Yeah, you're buying the fucking left tackle for the Titans. You're doing that to like pat yourself on the back. Like, look what I did. Well, maybe five guys are Jay and there's some weirdos outliers. Again, the majority. You know how there's like a whole thing, like the majority. Yeah. The majority of men want their dick to get hard looking at something. Kim Kardashian. So they picked the hot one. But she looks great. Kim Kardashian stunning. That's a beautiful woman. Big tits and big ass. And small waist. That's what they want. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. That's right. Fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you, your mother. Yeah. Stupid. No, no, thanks. All sold out. Nothing for you.

I sold the forklift. Don't even come here. Yeah. No, thanks. Hang up the phone. Well, you ready to open the show? Sure. Well, if you don't want to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, maybe you can listen to this. Hey, fatty, when you're trying to lose weight, you fat fucking cunt eat the same fucking thing every day, the same fucking food. So if you're eating something that you know you can't stick to for fucking 365 days, obviously that's not going to work, you fat cunt. This shit is big time. Always randy. Don't bring in your loving to this. Cool. Your mama in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Pajit. Christina Pajit. Welcome to your mom's house.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. I like them. You're cute. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So he's saying you should eat the same thing every day. That's how you lose weight. Yeah, you eat the same healthy thing. Same boring thing. Well, the whole key, I mean, everybody knows what you should do, but the real key to weight loss is consistency, right? Over time. Yeah. Right, right. So it's like anyone can do the right thing. Like you can be like, eat this and they'll eat it for the day,

you know, or like go work out. But the key is, so this is just a very explicit and direct way of saying, yeah, do it all the time. But don't you, I mean, everybody feels that way. Like the minute you eat a salad, you're like, I'm done. I lost five pounds, right? And it sucks because it takes like a week of doing that. I remember your sweet dad. The same fucking food you fucking moron. It makes it a joke. That on top of OMAD makes it even more of a joke because you're eating the same fucking food in one fucking meal. Okay. And you weigh yourself every fucking day. And if the scale goes up, it's simple. You just pull that fucking food back a little bit because it's the same shit. Cole Robinson's name. I like this guy. I like him too. I wish I'd had this guy in my life,

my whole life. Oh my gosh. I wish when I first gained weight, I had this guy come into my room and be like, what are you doing? You fat fucking piece of shit. Yeah. It's two points. I wanted to bring up your sweet father. Remember your dad used to take a sip of water and be like, my dad, I drank water. Like he would never. It was wild. It was wild. I go, you're not drinking water. And this motherfucker, he would literally, I would see him go like, maybe like I did. And then he wasn't, that wasn't a bit. Like he was like, see? Yeah. I'm like, that water's full and that's like, like 12 ounces. I know. He's like, yeah, I just drank some. I did it. It's not what I mean. He didn't, it didn't register to him. And like, he was the type to where he ate like one healthy

meal. And he's like, Wednesday, he'd be like, Wednesday, maybe Friday and he'd be eating like this triple bacon cheese burger. And I was like, do you think you should be in health? And he's like, I had a salad on Wednesday. Like, right? That works. He's like, yeah. And I had salmon Monday. I'm like, okay. What else did you have that day? He's like, Oh, I don't know. You know what though, I am glad. And I have this memory of him in Mexico with us. When he ordered the big cheese burger with the bacon and the fries and he ate it. And I was like, well, that's good. He's happy. He's enjoying it. He was so happy. He was enjoying himself. He loved eating like shit. Yeah. He really did. He really did. Yeah, he did. And he really loved it. Yeah. I mean, I was telling,

I told Mark Bell that when he got the stint in his heart, which was like, I don't know, more than 10 years ago. Like a month later, we don't we don't he had like the widow make it 98% blockage in an artery. So they caught it like right in time. And they open that artery, I'm talking to him like, where are you? So I can just hear he's somewhere. I'm Robert McDonald's. I'm like, you're a McDonald's. You just fucking had a stint put in. He goes, so now the artery is open. Now I can block it up again. That didn't scare you into changing your plays. He's like, Egg McMuffin, Jesus. I'm like, you want to get some oatmeal or something? He does have a point, though. I mean, now that the arteries open, I mean, is it am I stupid? But I kind of agree

with his logic. Like, well, yeah, well, they fixed it. I mean, there's other arteries. So that's true. Because I have high cholesterol genetically, like there's so much sausage generationally in my blood. Yeah, that like I've had generational just generational cholesterol, like, so I have to take cholesterol meds to lower it. No matter what, no matter what I eat, I will have high cholesterol. But then in my dumb brain, I go, yeah, I'm taking the pill so I can like go to In-N-Out. Yeah. Is that right, though? Like, I feel like I'm right. I feel like my thinking's not up. I think you're right. Really? Yeah. Yeah, because I'm lowering it with that pill so like I can have In-N-Out for lunch today and I'll be fine. You're fine. I'm fine. By the way,

yesterday, it was my publication date. Hey, Mazel. The book. Mazel Tov, right, Nadav? Thank you. That's right, Christina. I'd like to play alone, please, is available in bookstores, small and large. It's hard copy, ebooks, audio books, I talk about it all, blacks, gays, retarded, everything. Get a copy. Can I tell you something, Segura? Yeah. I know you're the husband, my husband, the father of my children, the light of my life, the fire of my loins. I've been reading your book while our children bathe. It is so good. I had no idea what a fantastic writer you are. Oh, thanks very much. And it brought me to tears. The chapter on your father, I absolutely cried of joy and then sadness and then, I mean, you're fantastic and I had no

idea. And where have you been hiding all this sensitivity and humor and joy? It's like you gave it to the book. You know, it would be me if you were this dynamic and real life. You're fucking dynamic, bro, on the page. I'm like, who's this guy? I want to meet him. I swear to God. I was reading it and I was like, this guy's fucking awesome. I forgot who I was reading and I was like, this guy's rad. Like, I don't want to meet him. Oh, yeah, you're married to him. So stupid. That is hilarious. But anyway, I'm super proud of you. We're a mess. Listen to us. Such a mess. I mean, it's either, you know, have AIDS and do your show or, you know, just go in for treatment. You know, it's funny that video just. But thank you. I appreciate you saying that. I

worked really hard on that. I know you did. And I've had some good reviews, which is nice, you know, it's so you feel so vulnerable writing. It's same, you know, when you do a special, you're also, you know, that first thing, you'll naked. And then you get that first, like, you're like, oh, my God, so and so liked my special. Thank God, it feels good. I think you almost feel more naked with the written word, because there's no performing of it. There's no filter. Yeah, you just like just read it, you know, but anyway, I'm glad it's out. It's done. Me too. So that video of this guy, it's so funny. We were discussing this in the car last week, and it just reminded me how the difference between motivational speakers for men and women are.

And it is, it's funny because you pointed this out to me and I hadn't noticed it because I always traditionally, I went to Tony Robbins, like I've actually spent the last decade correcting my loser thinking. I felt like a loser in my early 20s. And I read everybody. I read Napoleon Hill, Tony Robbins, think and grow rich. Oh, that's Napoleon Hill. The Asian guy who went broke. Oh, the rich dad, poor dad. I've read them all. And I always met masculine. And the masculine message is, shut the fuck up, pull up your bootstraps and go to work. Yeah, because men, you know, we're logical, we get things done. Right. You build buildings and bridges and create a penicillin. I agree. And broads are more concerned with like, are you feeling all right?

You know, they are concerned, but right. But broads. Yeah. The feeling part is what raises children and creates men that are winners and women that are winners. And without a good mommy, you get John Wayne Gacy. I agree. You get Putin. But here's what mommy's are very important. The feminine is very important. Who are in this world, warriors, you know, it's usually men, right? Absolutely. And the reason is because other men go shut the fuck up. Shut up. You're either cut out for this or you're not. I like that. That's what and they do shit. They're like, here's why you're fucking fat fuck face. This is why you're fucking poor. Same thing. Same thing. And women do the thing where they go like, this is the craziest one to me. Somebody can lose like 50 or 100

pounds, right? Yeah. And they'll be like, you look amazing. But you know what? You looked amazing before you lost this weight. It's like, no, you didn't. You looked amazingly fat. Like you looked like shit. Everybody thought you were 10 pounds of shit in a two pound bag when you were fucking three, whatever. Nobody liked it. And you lost weight. Now you look amazing. Yeah. That's what men do. They're like, no, no, no, no. You looked like shit. Yeah. Now you look good. Now you look good. What I think too, what we're saying is like the influencers and the women who are coaching other women to motivate them, the message is like, you're a goddess. You're a princess. You're good as you are. And it's like, no, you're not. Because obviously,

you don't feel good about yourself. So you need to do something to change the thing that's not making you feel good. Yeah, I don't understand this. I don't think so. I feel like a lot of women push this. We shouldn't comment on people's body types. That's a narrative of like, you shouldn't comment. But you know who comments on people's body types? Everybody. Everybody. Everybody, at least in private, they do. Even the people who sell that speech, they'll say like you shouldn't. And then if you pull that, I've been with those people. You pull them aside and you're like, have you seen? And they're like, yeah, Jesus. Oh my God. So what's going on with them need to get their shit under control. Because it's the foundation

of human beings is looking at other human beings. And critiquing. Not only critiquing, but we're wired to be attracted or not attracted to somebody. Absolutely. So you go like, and even if it's the sex that you're not sexually attracted to, you still register it. You're like, I'll go like, that's an attractive man. It's automatic. And why? Well, look at his face. Look at his body. That's an unattractive man. Here's why. You just do it automatically. You do it automatically. To the opposite sex. It's your brain going, you actually categorize them as like attractive people, unattractive people. Somebody I would mate with, somebody I won't mate with.

Yeah, it's like primal. It's like retellian brain. So you can't be like, all of them are like, yeah, they are in a way. Like, yes, everyone is beautiful because they're God's children. Of course. And also to your point, I think we all arrange ourselves in hierarchical things as well. Yeah. And that's natural. Yeah. So if you want to sign up for, let's not comment on people's body types, you go ahead and live in La La Land. Okay. Go back to Russia. I'll fucking stay in reality. Yeah, communists. Where like, if you're a fucking fat piece of shit, we're gonna say it. And if you look great, we'll say it too. Yeah. You know, I was watching the greatest movie ever made, Top Gun, which by

the way, you've ruined for me because of the gay narrative that Tarantino put into it. Yeah. That he pointed out. It was so good. And now I, so I rewatched, I haven't seen the Maverick yet, and I'm dying to see it. But what I loved about, I love about Top Gun is it's, it's all about that resilience and fuck the Russians. We're gonna do this and, and, and shut up, you pussy. I know you killed your best friend Goose, but you get back up in that plane and you kill some Russians. Yeah. Yeah. He literally, like he kills, he accidentally kills his friend Goose. And then like the next day, the lieutenant or whoever is like, you're getting back up there Maverick. You're like, oh my God, he just, just, friend, his friend just died. Can you give him a minute?

That's dad, right? Right. That mom would be like, you never have to fly again. Right. Yeah. But, but that's, but both roles are equal. So he does need to have his feelings. So mother would say, I'm so sorry, let me sit with you and cry with you. And then dad goes, you get the fuck up back up there and you kill, kill, kill, kill the enemy. Sure. Especially if they're Ruskies. Especially the fucking Russians. I miss having a common enemy. I really do. And I feel like the world is an anti-Russian now. I hope so.

With this latest thing. I mean, the world is basically like, the fuck are you doing? Well, anti, anti-Putin. Well, true. And I mean, they don't think, not only people hate the Russian people, but I'm saying as a government, that is like number one villain. Terrible. Well, yeah. And you, Rebel Wilson. Oh, she's my new celebrity friend, by the way. I want to be friends with Rebel Wilson. I like to put that out. Do you know who she is? Of course. That comedic actress. Oh my gosh, the funniest. By the way, she lost a lot of weight.

That's what I was going to say. And she looked great before the weight loss too. She looks fantastic. She looks fantastic. But I mean, now she looks good, but she also looked good. Before she lost that weight. You see on the left there, absolutely looks just as good as on the right. Same Z, same Zs. Same chick. I hate when the British call it 5.5 stones. Now I don't know what that means. A stone. That sounds less, so she'll all five is nothing.

Anyway, she's got this great movie on Netflix right now. I think it's, what is it, senior year. I absolutely loved it. So silly and so fun. Anyway, I'd like to be friends with Rebel Wilson and she looks way better now that she lost all that weight. I disagree. Now, if she were the swimsuit model, I would buy her. She's great. Is she playing a high school senior? Yeah, it's so funny. So I'll just give you the spoiler alert. I can't. Careful.

I'll put it this way. She goes into a coma as a 17 year old and wakes up. That's in the trailer. That's in the trailer. And it's a great premise because she wakes up in this era and it's basically like you and me being like, you know, it's funny. I love her and she looks amazing and she's funny as shit. Big Rebel Wilson fan. Congratulations on the movie. And Top Gun. I'm so stoked. Can we go see Maverick together in the theater? Yeah, sure.

And wear red, white and blue and salute the fucking flag. Sure. I want to hear more of what was his name? Cole. Yeah, Cole Robinson has to say. Ready? Okay, I can get more ripped eating fucking OMAD, one meal a day eating fucking McDonald's than any of you fucking dummies eating your stupid fucking diet, whatever you think is so fucking great and healthy. Okay, I get more ripped fucking eating fucking burgers from fucking McDonald's than you idiots could eat in keto fucking strict only meat only carnivore fucking vegan fucking. I don't give a fuck what your diet is. I'll get more ripped eating McDonald's.

You know how? Because it's easy to count you fucking moron. This guy's awesome. You eat the same shit for like a month. So then you have a fucking plan. Then you have a baseline routine that you can fall back on. It's like that works. That fucking works. So then if you fucking change the food and you start gaining a little bit of weight back, you know that that's not as good. And you shouldn't be fucking gaining any weight back anyway, because you eat the same shit again. You see the weight creep up after a couple days on a food change, you're fucking full of food back and you eat it because you know that you're creeping up because you're weighing

yourself every fucking day. Fuck this is so fucking easy. Okay, you gotta be fucking retarded as fucked to not lose weight. It really is just less calories. Like don't eat a lot. Stop eating. That's why my this would have worked for me immediately at my heaviest. I would have seen this guy have been like kind of so stupid. Okay, weight loss. Okay, make it happen. I'll give a what you eat. If you can count it, and you're losing weight, that's what counts. Number one, fucker. Okay, shut the fuck up or your fucking stupid idiot, lose some fucking weight. Until next time. Stop fucking eating fatty. That's it. Stop fucking eating fatty. That's it. That's it. Yeah, that's pretty great. What's his name again? Cole Robinson. God, I think we found our new

favorite Cole Robinson. He's American Canadian. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. Cole Robinson, you're my hero. Yeah. And by the way, we have him on open invite on the show. Yeah, I'm just going to say open door policy, Cole. Yeah. This is what people need to hear. I'm done with Molly coddling. It's not worked. It doesn't work. That's why we're in the softest generation ever. No, everybody. Oh, my fucking feelings. Please don't use gendered language. It's fucking pathetic. A bunch of fucking losers. No. It is. It's a loser culture. We're privileging losers. I mean, don't you just, I feel like we should just, everybody should just brush those people. We don't have time for your

nonsense. I agree. You know, we're out here like, we're in the real world. I know. Don't have time for your fucking world of Warcraft fucking world that you created. There's a whole other lexicon. We don't have time for it. Don't have time for it. You know, it's funny. I was talking to somebody yesterday and they were like, you know, it took 50 years for us to accept gay people. Truly, 50 years is what it takes to really make progress. And that's amazing. And that's great. But like, okay, so we just got done with gay. Now you're going to be like, there's 5,000 genders and we're all trans and there's no such thing as women. Women are people with vaginas and then men have periods too. It's like, okay, slow your roll, homie. One thing at a time.

One thing at a time because you can't do this to society. It's too crazy. Yeah. Men don't have periods, sweetie. I'm not ready for that yet. Well, here's the thing. I'm not ready. Here's what you're not getting. You dumb bitch. You just need to reframe what you think of when you use the word man. You know what I mean? Right. No, you just can't think of a man as a man. It's a man. Right. Like, what does man mean? Right. We have to redefine man. Which is completely logical. And like, it should be taught in schools, you know, when you're teaching kids. In kindergarten.

You should be like, just so you know, men can be not, but you think of as men. There can be a man, you know, your mommy has babies. So can a man. It's just not the man that you're used to seeing and a man can have a baby and a man can breastfeed. And then the kids will be like, ah. So, so apropos this discussion, go ahead and Google. Mattel has just put out a wonderful new Barbie. I've already bought the studio one. Is it handicapped or something? They already have that, right? The wheelchair? Of course. Of course. I already have five in my stable. They've limited it to two per person. So I'm very upset. The new transgender Barbie is out.

Oh, cool. And actually really. It's based on the actress? It's based on Laverne Cox who was trans before it was cool to be trans. So I give her mad props and I really like Laverne Cox. So. She's a great actress. I bought, I bought two, which is the max. Okay. Why are you allowed to only buy two? Because they know that assholes like me will buy like 20 and I don't know. Give them out. Give them out as a joke, but.

So, but like, how do you know that the Barbie's trans? It's a doll. Okay. Well, I can tell you as a Barbie enthusiast, number one, the arms are thicker. Obviously the facial structure is less feminine than one would consider a regular Barbie. Really? The legs are thicker. The thighs are thick. Definitely. Definitely. What's going on between the legs? And that's the most important part. And that's what I can't wait to get the doll for. I can't wait to rip off her clothes and see what's between those legs.

Okay. Maybe I'll do the big reveal on this show. Yeah. Because they're doing a nice let. That's, that's how you tuck right there with that one. That is a tuck. Yeah. Because I don't know if Laverne is full. I don't know. I don't know what, what she's got. No, but that's what legs are spread on that other one there. See? Oh, zoom in on that. Yeah.

See what she's got going on. That'd be so rad. Yeah, I know. If the Barbie had like a little dick tip sticking out of it. Because they keep them asexual. Yeah. They always had just like a lump. Like I'm saying, like a nothing. Yeah. Do you guys want to trip out?

What? Dude, look at the Ken doll of today. Like you remember Ken? Of course. Dude, look at Ken now. You're going to fucking lose your mind. It's so wild. No, bro, on the Mattel site, on the Mattel site. Okay. It's different?

Homie. No, bro. Go to Mattel.com where we just work. Okay. That's Ken. That's Ken, homie. That's Ken. That's Ken. Wow. So Ken's gay as fuck. He's super gay, dude. Limit to per customer because we know assholes like you are going to buy a bunch and make fun of us. Look at him.

That's the only Ken you can get? No. So then I was looking into this because I bought two of these as well. Jesus. Because I'm fascinated. And then there's Retro Ken. There's a special edition Retro Ken. That's the Ken we know as a heterosexual Ken. So go back to the homepage and you'll see Retro Ken. He's a throwback.

Just a masculine looking Ken doll is considered a throwback. It's like 50th edition. Ms. Hellcre- I don't know. It's wild, dude. Oh god, dolls. I don't know. Ken, look up Ken. It's okay. It's all right. You're all fired up.

Well, because it's such an interesting thing and I researched this. And okay, there he is, there he is. Barbie Ken's 60th anniversary doll. Far left. Far left. So this is what Ken looked like when he started off as a man. Sort of. Sort of, right?

Yeah, he looks kind of gay too. I know. But the Ken I grew up with was not this gay. What the fuck? Oh my god. Was that with his weird ass face? It looks like Ken had, like, they're like, is Ken struggling with aging?

Looks like he has like shitty plastic surgery. Like Liberace. He looks like Liberace behind the cantalabra. Oh my god. Yeah. God, that's such a good fucking. Just remember when he can't close his eyes at night when he sleeps? He's like. Because we had too much plastic surgery.

Amazing. But it's very interesting why they feminized the dolls for the little girls. That's interesting. Yeah. Amazing stuff. Okay. I got this email I want to read real quick. Yeah.

Yeah. Ciao Tom. Io sono in italiano e abito a Austin. I'm from Chicago but grew up speaking Italian. Additionally, I majored in the language and lived in Rome for 14 months during college. It was there that I really got a grasp of the language as I used it to make Italian friends and bang wave after wave of study abroad students.

Nice. After school, I moved to Milan where I worked at an advertising agency for two years. During my time there, I almost exclusively spoke in Italian unless I was with one of my British or American friends. I have been in Austin for six years and there are very few Italian speakers here, especially compared to Chicago. The owners of numero 28 downtown are from Milan and I have met one other Italian who I played soccer with for a year or so.

I'm going to practice Italian and send me a message. Thank you, Robby. Ciao, Robby. I want to practice Italian with you. 00:42:57,920 --> 00:43:03,120 So I have been wanting an Italian speaking friend who's fluent in English as well, obviously, and it's going to be Robby. Wow.

Please reach out to Robby for me. So where will you practice on the toilet? So you've been learning on the toilet. Well, I've been learning on the toilet, but I think, you know, we'll probably, we'll meet up, do like a coffee date or something first. Yeah, things will progress. Who knows which way they'll go, but I'm excited. Yeah.

I'm excited for you and your new friend. You need conversations. You do. I'm on day 70 something of the apps and it's great, but you realize that without a back and forth, it doesn't really progress. No. It's too hard. It's too hard because you're not being immersed in hearing it and saying things.

You just got, yeah, you have to study. You need to be talking and thinking and dreaming and Italian. Robby, you're going to love this. You're going to like the way you look. You're going to like this, man. What are you going to do for your special Italian friend? I don't know. It's going to start slow, you know, but yeah, it's going to be fucking cool.

Will you dress Italian? If this goes well, Robby, I mean, you're going to luck out. You're going to be taking trips pretty soon. Are you going to tour with him so that you can practice? That's not a bad idea. 00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:29,120 It's a good distraction. Yeah, does that sound shitty to you, Robby?

Does Robby give him a massage? I don't know. That'd be great. You can bring him along as a masseuse and an Italian teacher. Can he cook? Can he make tiramisu? I mean, that's cool. If he can cook Italian for you.

He probably knows a few things. Invite him over. Live there for a while. Oh, ask him if he'll cook for us. I said I want to start slow, Jesus. Oh, I'm already invited him over to make him cook for me. How old is Rob? We don't know how old he is.

Sounds young. He hangs out with friends and stuff. When you have kids, you don't do that. When you're an adult with the family. Anyway, would you like to hear this elevator mechanic has written in? Yeah. Where I got stuck in an elevator. I remember.

We have so much more to get into, but I found this pretty interesting. I'm an elevator mechanic and just wanted to reply to Kristen's story about getting stuck. The lady on the phone asked her to push all the buttons because you wouldn't believe the amount of Victoria's secret models that get stuck in elevators because they are looking at their phones and don't push a button. Because remember the woman was like, well, did you push the button?

I'm like, yeah, you dumb bitch. I pushed the button. So they're just like, it's stuck and they're like, have you pressed the floor yet? And they're like, oh. Yeah. So that makes sense. Okay.

He writes, whether you are on the first floor or the 60th floor, getting stuck inside an elevator is one of the safest places you can be. They come to a stop as soon as there is even the slightest problem. And in the USA, the chance of an elevator free falling is practically zero. Wow. Good to know. Tim referenced, if you have a brown brewing when you get stuck, while I haven't found anyone that has shit their pants,

I have many times recovered a trapped passenger that has peed in the corner, of course, in a cup, or just pissed their pants, no judgment. Please do not use gender note. Please don't try to open the door if you are stuck between the floors. That's what I did. We installed devices that actually prevent people from prying the doors open, attempting to crawl out of an elevator and then sudden, unexpected movement equals human de-gloving.

Yikes. Hope this email finds you well and helps educate regarding some of the concerns you expressed on the podcast. They'll be coming up in May. Well, well, thank you. Well. Oh, wow. I didn't realize that because, whoopsie, I definitely did that.

I tried to pry it open with a toothbrush. Human de-gloving. Shit. Yeah. Shit. Damn. Damn, homie. That could be gnarliest.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck. Fuck. You want to read a Gar theory? Sure. This is about Garth's nervous laughter during the Ukraine thing. We didn't even, gosh. Honestly.

So bizarre. Focus on that enough. I don't think enough people really got that. I agree. So weird. It might be, it might be the all time most bizarre thing ever. I know.

He's like. It's about raising funds for refugees in Ukraine. And at one point she was like, be a part of, you know, do it for a human. And he goes, do it for the refugee. And you're like, wait, why would you laugh right there? There's no reason to laugh. There was no cue for laughter. So bizarre.

I keep hearing you wonder about why G last at the end of that creepy ass video about Ukraine. I have some answers for you. He laughs after Trish says, humankind. This is clearly because Garth isn't human and he's laughing at the irony. My theory is he's more of an ancient enigma spirit kind of like penny wise. This would explain his adversion to aging and most of the other creepy shit. This would also add to why Garth keeps chuckling in the video.

All the pain and suffering from the wars licking his metaphysical scrum. Thanks, jeans. Love you guys, Nick. That's a pretty fucking spot on analysis. Yeah, there's another one there, too. Did you want to read the second theory? Yeah, good. Yeah.

So interesting stuff. Very fucking weird. He's weird as fuck. Very fucking weird. I have a dental update. Oh, okay. Would you like to hear it? Dental update.

Yeah. So my tooth was in fact cracked. She wasn't just trying to scam me this new dentist in Austin because I was like, what are you talking about? I'm not fucking cracked teeth. I went in two hour appointment. It was very painful. The most painful part was the Novocaine

because she gave me one shot and then halfway through it, I felt it. I started to feel the nerve and I was like, can I have another shot? And then two hours of drilling and tamping and blah, blah, blah. And now I have a temp and she's like it could pop off at any time. So I have glue. So I've been eating lots of soft foods and chewing on the other side of my mouth until I get that crown next week. It takes two fucking weeks for them to make a crown.

Wow. So stupid, right? Yeah. Then again, it is a tooth they're making. I guess that it does take time. I need, you gave me the number and I needed my dentist appointment. You have stuff going on? I mean, I have a little thing.

I think I might have a cavity. I have a little bit of discomfort. Doesn't, it's not all the time, but it's every once in a while. I'm like, oh, there's something there. Something brewing. And I haven't had a cleaning in a while. You know, since I was, I mean, I did it within the last year because I did it on an LA trip once,

but I still need to just do it here. I need to find the right person. Yeah. They're very good. She's sweet. And you know what? I think you're going to like her. She's a sweet blonde lady.

That's what you told me. Yeah. I'm like, my husband's going to love me. Yeah. That's a weird thing to tell her. He's going to be so hard when he comes to you. Yeah. Yeah.

I was like, he's not a creeper, but he does like sweet blonde ladies. Okay. Okay. So I look forward. Imagine if you told the dentist, my husband's really going to like you. You're a nice blonde lady.

She's probably like, oh. Well, can I tell you why? Why? Because every dentist I've had has been like a smelly old white guy, and they breathe their dad breath on you when you're like, ugh, you're so smelly. I did have a nice Asian man in LA

that was really enjoyable, but it's nice to have a lady. They're just more sensitive and like empathetic. I agree. I agree. She's like, are you okay? And she goes, she says to me, you're in control here.

And I go, no, I'm not, but thanks for saying that. Like you're in control. I'll be glad if you fucking drug me right now. Yes, she can't. She'll give you stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I took a zany before.

Drug me and molest me. That's what I'll tell her. Breast massage. Yeah. Do it. You want your breast massage? Knock me out and reach into my pants. Tell me how it goes.

Yeah. This is a YMH exclusive. YMH exclusive. Tommy. YMH exclusive. YMH. This is wild. This is wild.

So the last month in our home, I've mentioned we've been going through illness after illness. And our youngest son, Julian, is just keeps rolling into these bouts of croup and he can't breathe. It's terrible. It's been a nightmare.

So I was at the doctor with him. We did blood work. We've done lung x-rays. X-rays. It's just like, what is wrong with this kid? What is happening? So they finally get back his blood work. And we figured, oh, it's Austin.

Everyone's got allergies and Austin, environmental allergies. That's like the biggest thing. Turns out our younger boy is not just allergic, but severely allergic. Like the highest you can be to dogs. And the bummer of it is, and here's why this makes perfect sense.

He's been sleeping in our bed. He'll sneak in like in the early morning and that's where Bitsy sleeps. And so he's been like reacting, I think, to Bitsy's, whatever, fur, whatever. So we have to give, we have to, well, we have to throw Bitsy in the lake is what we have to do.

Because my kid comes first. I told them the other day, I was like, hey, guess what? We're gonna throw Bitsy off the roof. And I was joking, but I forgot that they're real young. And you know what they both did? They were like, okay. They're like up here.

And I was like, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Alice would love that. Well, they fucking hate her. Like yesterday, Julian was like hitting her with the grabber. They kick her. I'm like, you guys cannot hurt this dog.

But now I see there's the best dog. I'm heartbroken. And I'm such a Brussels fanatic. You are. This is my identity. I'm a Brussels lady, but my kid comes first. So I don't know. We got to get, we got to kill her.

We got to put her down. Yeah. Well, I think we can just give her away. Yeah, I'm just kidding. But I give her away. I think we're just gonna give her a family. Eating the matriarch of it all. Charo.

Hey, mom, how you doing? I'm fine. How are you? Good. So you have the news already. We sadly have to part with Bitsy and we're not going to throw her in the river. So you said you would, you would take her.

Yeah, I have a heart. I'm not like you. So my my son has an allergic reaction. To dogs. I never heard of that to me. I will have a second opinion because you cannot be allergic to a dog. That's a made up story.

You're allergic to dogs. You're allergic to the dog's hair. But the story of your dog is allergic to dogs. I have never had and I'm really old. So I would have had this once in my life. It's in his blood work. And the doctor called us and said, you can't have the dog.

I don't swallow that pill, but I take the dog. But you think the doctor is making it up? Yes. Why would the doctor make it up though? Why? I will look for a second dermatologist to be sure that that makes sense. I never heard that in my life.

15, 15 percent of the population is a lot is allergic to dogs or cats. At cats, I had all my life. And the dogs I had because the dogs shed. Not shed like you, but the other shed. Oh, shed, yes. So wait, but why would our doctor want us to get rid of the dog?

He's mean. He probably doesn't like dogs. Or he doesn't know what to tell you, so he came up with that one. I ask honestly, Tommy, for me, it's unbelievable. Never, ever in my life, I heard many people that they have to get rid of the dog

because his hair creates that allergy situation. But this dog doesn't shed at all. So it doesn't make any sense. What do you think I should tell the doctor when they point out in the blood work that? I would say would you mind to take another test and be sure I don't have to get rid of my dogs because you're just making this up.

Because you're just making this up. Yeah, he can't breathe. Yeah. And you have to tell the doctor that you never heard anything like that. I happen to take it. Well, I mean, I've heard of allergies before to dogs. So that would be.

Honestly? Yeah, of course I've heard of that. Or dogs that never shed. I mean, of just having an allergy to dogs, just of course I've heard of it. Yeah, that's weird. Has Christina ever heard of that? I think so, yeah.

Well, and cats too, look at cousin Brian. I have a cat allergy. Personally. Yeah, so do I. Cat allergy, yes. Yeah. Your father was allergic to cats. I know.

And you were allergic to cats. Yang is allergic to cats. Right. And you don't even need to see the cat and you start immediately breaking in that. Yeah, my eyes start watering, yeah. But my son is having a really notable reaction though. He's becoming ill.

Well, I'm learning something new. What can I tell you? I'm going to tell the doctor that my mother is a skeptic. She doesn't believe you. Please do. Tell him to call me. To call you? Yes.

To convince him that it's true. Okay. I'm not kidding you. I would love to talk to that doctor. And you'd be like, hey, you're full of shit? Kind of, in a different way. I wouldn't take him your full of shit, but I do think he's full of shit.

I would say it in a proper way. And, but what would the doctor get out of this by making this up? I pretend that he's impressed in your health. And guess what? Julian is going to be still with his allergies. And when you take him back, he's going to say, oh, he's also allergic to carrots.

Anytime you go to an allergy doctor, they find something. So he couldn't find the allergies, so he put it in the door. I'm not kidding you. Okay. Well, here's the best part about you getting bitsy. Yes.

There's no greater gift I could give you. I'll never have to give you another gift because there's nothing greater than the love of a dog. The greater gift is because of bitsy. Waiting to see all the stuff I'm going to start getting. Because I was so nice and I give her so much love and she found so much joy that I have to do this for you. I have to give you that.

What else would you like? That's how it's going to be. You watch it. Okay. That dog is going to be in heaven here. I think so too. I think so too. And, and hopefully my son's allergies will also be gone.

But that's the whole point, you know? Yeah. Unless, of course, the doctor is making it up. You let me know if YouTube gets better, yeah? I let you know. Yeah. And the other thing I was going to tell you is I want you to be aware that because of bitsy,

which I love to have, I'm also going to have to find a pet sitter who allowed me to have three dogs. I have to go and take the dog's body more often. I'm working a lot harder. So keep that in consideration with the better gift that ever was. But if you want me to, I give you my two dogs

and I also give you the best gift that you ever get. Well, that would make my son probably really sick. He'd be in the hospital. But I give you a wonderful gift. The gift of my son being in the hospital? No. Why don't you send me juju here and I send you my dogs?

Okay, sure. I will see how that works. Yeah, that'd be great. And you imagine if I have juju here. Yeah, he's, he's. This dinner will have to come with juju and respite. And then you take care of dogs. Sounds good.

And we give you the better gift, the best gift you ever got. You got it. Do you sound better? Do you feel better? Yeah, I think I'm getting better. Just it's working on my voice a little bit, but I think I'm getting better.

Blanca was reminding me. Blanca had fun reminding the stories of my past. And one time years and years ago, I was in Lima, obviously. I'm talking when I was young. So it's same to this ago. But obviously I was kissing with a guy whose name I don't remember saying that.

And I have a week because I was trying to get my hair go. So I put a week with the long hair. And to support the week, I put a ruler in top and hold it with four of those little pins and the girls juice. And then we start kissing. So we are kissing. The guy hold my head and pull it back. Thinking that is my hair.

You should see his face when they see a woman. Pull her wig off. Tell me the guy at 35. And Blanca says, I'm because you have a voice of your mom. She probably saw you were a guy. And I said, well, that's his problem for being decent. Because if you were attached to all the part of my body,

you wouldn't have any problems. We would realize that was a woman there. Yeah. A stupid guy decided to be decent and touched my hair. Yeah. I remember one time I wasn't sure if I was with a man or a woman. Really? Yeah.

You kidding. Yeah. Am I that kind of person too? No. No, but this person, I was like, hey, I don't know what's going on here. So I, first I was like, you know, I reached to squeeze the butt and I was like,

well, that could be either. So then I reached down the front and I was like, you know, feels right. Are you serious? Yeah. It was kind of, it was kind of girthy, but I was like, who cares at this point, you know? You were in real need.

Yeah. I was in real need. It's like, who cares at this point, I'm desperate. It's true. It's true. Yeah. I have two choices. A dog or this one?

Yeah. She was nice. I think it was she. And she was 85 also? No. No, no. No, she was age appropriate. Hold on.

Did you find out if she wasn't here or here or now? I just, you know, I fell asleep. Oh. So. Yeah. Well, you had a great time. I did. I had a great time.

Yeah. And only God knows at this point when it was. But um. So when am I getting busy? Soon. Soon. I think next week. Who's going to bring her?

This is not going to be put in a plane like that. Yeah, you put her under the plane. FedEx. FedEx. Yeah. Not a chance in a new year. No, you put up. Listen, you take a box, you poke holes in the box.

No, a chance. He put her in a suitcase. Put her under the plane. No, no. You can bring her, Christina. She comes with you. I wish. She can come with you.

Yes. With you or with you. She come with you. With you or with you. Yes. Yes. No. This is not going to be FedEx that you are of your mind.

Yeah. I'll figure it out. Let me call you later. Thank you for taking the greatest gift that a son could ever give his mother and there's no need for another gift because this is the gift of all gifts. This is nice. Okay. The gift of all kisses I gave you life, okay?

That's true. Aw, that's true. The last try. That's true. That's true. Thank you. Thank you, Charo, for taking the dog. Thank you for taking Bitsy and thank you for not.

I'm doing it for Christina. I'm doing it for Christina. Thank you for not aborting me and I'll call you later. I, Kateros, I, Kateros, you realize that people do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. Sometimes you know you got to use the hanger.

All right. Okay. Well, bro life. Okay. 01:03:18,240 --> 01:03:19,040 Bro life. And we got it. I've paid for a few.

All right. I got to go, mom. We'll pay for the few. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Does she knows? Does she know who?

Who? You say you pay for the few. Does your wife knows that you pay for the few? Well, these were, this was back in the day before, before, yeah. Yeah. That means you're joking, yeah? Mom, I was like 16, 17. What was I supposed to do?

I got to run. I love you. That's a job. Okay. I love you. I'll call you later. Love you. Thank you.

Bye, mom. Can I tell you, first of all, I'm so thankful she's taking our dog. Yeah. Because now we can, at least she's with a family member, I would be crushed if we had to actually give her like someone else. But that's the first time I've ever heard Charo talk about another man. Oh, yeah. I've never heard her tell like.

Oh, she tells us stories. She tells us stories. Kissing another guy. She tells us, she was like, this is waiting, this is, like, you know, she goes, this was centuries ago. Yeah. But she'll talk about, yeah, her boyfriends. I can't believe she French.

She talked about Frenching. Yeah. Wow. What a fox. It's fun to talk about abortion with her. It's fun. Yeah. She seems very passionate.

Yeah. About her position. Yeah. I like telling her that I funded a few. She's so super pro-life. Yeah. Yeah. I get it.

I get it. I get it. You know. I do. One cool thing that I've discovered, and then I've been very reluctant to try for 45 years, doctors have told me to do it. I won't do it as the neti pot.

It's pretty rad. And once I got over the initial phobia and the fear of squirting water up my nose and out the other side, I really am into it and I do it every morning now. Every morning? Yeah. It clears out all that green gunk in there. Have you done it yet?

Yeah. I do the pouring one. So explain that one to me. How do you- It's the same principle. You hang upside down? No. You just kind of lean and you pour and the water goes up and around.

I like to douche. I douche with mine. It's like a squirt bottle. It's like a douche. You squirt it up and then it douches. Yeah. Sometimes you're so clogged that it doesn't even go through. Really?

Yeah. Really wild. You're completely sealed. Like your virgin nostrils are just sealed. So wild. Yeah. But now I want to do the neti pot when I'm not sick because I'm so into it. Like can you do it when you're-

Yeah. So you just lean. You just, oh, you lean. Yeah. To me, that would get water all over my face and shirt. A little bit. But I'm using the squirtable. That moment right after when you first blow your nose after using that thing,

you do feel like so- It's so good. Yeah. I feel so clean. And like disinfected and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. That's the sinus douche.

I really like it. Pretty nice. Yeah. And then I also had a couple of Pejitzki effects if you want to hear. Sure. Tell me. I'm so dumb. So do you ever watch your children's programming with them and realize like

that there's stuff you should already know that you don't know and you're learning? Yes. Yeah. So I was watching a cartoon with them. And they go, let's go do donuts in the parking lot, right? And they drive their car and they do a donut and then it leaves the shape of the donut, a circle. And I was like, oh my God.

That's what a donut, that's what it means to do a donut. You do circles and it leaves the shape of a donut. Bro, I had no fucking idea. Did you guys know that? Any, usually you're with me on that. Fuck, am I officially the dumbest? What did you, why did you think they called them donuts? No idea.

You're just like, that's just slang I don't understand. It's just the slang, it's just some American thing for, let's go do donuts. You didn't think it was the circle was implied? Nope. And then I saw it on the show and I was like, that's a donut. But I have had those moments where I'm watching and they're like, you know, they're doing like some math thing when you divide and you carry them like, holy shit, that's what you divide.

Fuck, forgot. Yeah. I learned that there are three primary colors. I didn't even know that. And when you mix those three together, they make all the colors. Did you fucking know that? I didn't know that. Yeah.

Blue. Blue, red and yellow and all those mixtures of those colors make all the colors. Like red and blue make purple. Yeah. I didn't know that. I mean, I'm color blind and I know that. But I didn't know that they made all the colors. Like it's, it kind of, I was like.

Well, they don't make all the colors. Y'all, huh? Most of them are rainbow. Why does the absence of color? Right. What is black? Black is, what is black? All the colors together?

Beautiful. Well, let's see. That's a thing too. You're brown. You know, Jesus. He's so militant. Geez. They're all, they're always like this.

By the way, just to let you know, Christina, if it makes you feel better. Yeah. Nadoff thought the primary colors were RGB, red, green, blue. So there you go. Red, green and blue. Red. If you did not. Yeah.

See, that's what I'm saying. Like you think you know. Well, because I mean in post-production, we have RGB color wheels and stuff. Like it's, I have a reason to think that I'm not just fucking. Yeah, that's how it works in computers, screens and stuff. Red, green, blue. Okay. So red, yellow and blue are the primary colors.

And then you mix red and yellow and blue and, and you, and that's how you get the other, other colors. There's like a preschool teacher right now like smashing it against the fucking table. I'm telling you, I've missed out on so many. No, but I understand how that happens. I really do. Fucking idiot. 01:09:18,560 --> 01:09:20,080 Oh, or even like the planets.

Dude, Pluto is not a planet anymore. That's debatable though. It's gone back and forth. Oh, right? It went back and forth. It was that obviously when we were kids, it was, then they were like, oh, it's not. And then there was even a push to make it a planet again. I don't even know.

It might be something like, I don't know if you, if you Google it now what the status was, but there was a back and forth about it. Okay. About whether or not Pluto is a planet. I mean, I grew up learning that it was. Of course. And I grew up learning that men were men and women were women, but you never know. See.

Okay. Okay. So NASA says yes. Is it better to lease a car or buy it in summer? What the fuck? I don't know. That's weird. But see how it did.

It did go back. If you scroll down, what does the drop down say? Like, is there more of an explanation? See that first one? It's a dwarf planet that lies in the, is that a Cooper belt? An area full of icy bodies and other dwarf planets out past Neptune. Pluto is very small, about, only about half the width of the United States. And it's biggest moon, Charon, Charon, is about half the size of Pluto.

But I do remember the debate where they were like, it's not a planet. And then there was a few years, they were like, oh, it is a planet. I don't know why that happened though. And I was reading a book with our children about the moon. And I was like, oh, why does, how does gravity exist on earth? How does gravity exist? Do you know how gravity exists? I don't fucking know.

And why, you know, how does gravity exist? Is it from the center of earth? I think the core creates it and then our atmosphere. I don't fucking know. Right. I mean, I've learned these things in elementary school, as Josh Potter would say. Yeah, that's right, yeah. But anyway, so do you want to hear my second Pajetski effect on?

Sure, sure. God, this is just because I'm in the haze of like child sicknesses to, in the last month, it's been horrible. So in the midst of getting Julie and all these prescriptions, it was like Sunday, the doctor comes, it's this whole fucking thing. I got to go back to the pharmacy three times. So I'm texting my friend, Jenny Pentland, who's been on the show. She has five kids, right?

And she was supposed to come over that day. And I go, it's a fucking day. I got to go to the pharmacy again to get meds for the kids. And she goes, oh, chasing down meds. She's texting me chasing down meds in this heat. It's got to be terrible. Hopefully there's a drive through. And my face dropped.

And I was like, you fucking dumb bitch. Like, yeah, because here's what I've been doing is, all right, kids, we're going to Randall's and I fucking put two sick boys in the car, drive down in the pharmacy. Park. Park. And you know how hard it's to get a three-year-old in and out of the fucking, I want to do it.

That's 20 minutes of him buckling his own thing. Yeah. And then I want a lollipop. I want the, it's like, oh my God, dude. So like every trip has been a nightmare. And you found the drive through one? Of course I did. After I'd already done the three trips to the pharmacy that day with two sick kids.

God damn nightmare. Alone. I wanted to fucking blow my brains out. So now I'm like, oh yeah, drive through pharmacy. Idiot. Yeah. Fucking idiot. Give me that guy a Cooper.

Tell me how stupid I am. I'm so mad at myself. Yep. Fucking idiot. You fat fucking cunt. Yeah. Stupid retard. You fucking moron.

Such a fucking moron. And then I eventually had to break down and I took the kids in and out because I was like, oh yeah, drive through. Let's go drive through in and out. I was like stress eating. Yeah. And it was like right before Memorial Day and shit. Everything's fucking closed.

God. I hear you. It's fucking, it's the worst when you realize. Stupid life. You could make it so much easier on yourself. Yeah. Fuck am I doing? I know.

But you're not thinking. You're just like, I was panicked because the kids, you know, going through stuff. Can't breathe. I'm like, I heard you bitches looking for me. You just made everything okay. I have to give you props. Go ahead.

I've really been enjoying what you post in your stories. Yeah. Yeah. What have you been liking the best? Just a ride. Just a ride. Really cool stuff. Really cool stuff.

There's been a lot of good stuff out there. You have your own lane of stories. Because it'll be like all your finds. And then you'll have like a date, like a promo for a show. I gotta advertise. Die cutting is fucking an eyebrows off. Somebody drinking pickle juice. Somebody's standing on a train track.

And then you're like, Boston, I'll be there. You can see me in DC. So great. All right. Here we go. Christina's curations. Here we go. I remember this one.

Very cool. I think you actually texted me this. I was like, Jesus. Really cool. Now, this one's really cool for those just listening. It's a lady laying down in a light pink outfit in short shorts. And the camera is such that you only see like her crotch. And then it angles up to her face.

It's horrible. So it's the worst angle you can use. Even on like a swimsuit model. Yeah, it's pretty bad. But what's unique about this is that you really don't see women doing the cool guy thing a lot. I like to highlight the marginalized. When women get into this, you know that they are particularly unstable. This is not your average woman.

No, it's not normal. Women shouldn't do this. Yeah, they rarely do. Like when a chick does this, you're like, this bitch has fucking problems. She's wilding. This is a male belly dancer. You ever seen one of those before? Are you seduced?

So good. How fucking long is this? As long as you want it to be, baby. Do you love his movements? I've never seen a male belly dancer. Have you? No, it's so awful. It's so awful.

Thank you. It's I hate everything about it. I hate his stupid ponytail. I hate the tight pants. I hate his his movements. Well, he's happy, right? Yeah, I still can hate it. Yeah.

I'm sure you don't want to watch too. I've been a star-fried ring, bitch. And I'm Lady Mercury, and I'm here to play and party. And I love you all. Where's my cocktail? I'm the keys of gold. I'm fabulous, Steve. Oh, it looks like Francesco was like, I'm out.

Francesco's out. You're right. Yeah. You know what really upsets me about- Remember that? Yeah, she was like- Francesco was like, Francesco. She wasn't having it that day.

What upsets me about drag syndrome is that they don't do a good job with their makeup. And if you're going to dress them in drag, like, why does it have to be all sloppy? Like, if you're going to do this, like, didn't make them look nice. Like, the middle one, what was her name? I forget her name.

I don't like that her makeup, like, her lipstick looks all crazy. Yeah, yeah. If you're going to do it, do it with dignity, I think. It upsets me that they're just dressing them up like dogs. You know what I mean? Like, you put a sweater on a dog. It's not fair. All right.

And on to the next one. Well, I mean- Dedication of delivering all character things. Listen, thank you, that I got here so- That's the best. This is a famous clip. This is from, I think this is like the NFL Combine. So this guy's getting drafted.

Sneezes, blesses himself, thanks himself. Yeah. Dedication of delivering all character things. Listen, thank you, that I got here so- You know, I mean, we've all been, you just, you're out of it. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

You ever tell somebody you love them, like on a customer call, you're like, okay, bye, I love you. You're like, oh, shit, fucking idiot. Yeah, yeah. There's that also that, it's a famous, I think, Brian Regan bit of like, when someone's like, have a good trip, and you're like, you too. Yeah. Yeah, she's like, what did I just do that for?

Have you ever had somebody go- 01:18:35,440 --> 01:18:38,960 Like a hotel, they're like, hi, and you're like, I'm good, thanks. I didn't even like that. And they're like, I didn't ask you, you're done. I know. Pretty good, how you doing? Yeah, same travels you too.

Yeah, I've done that. I could see myself doing that. I have never, and I will never use the word trans species, because trans species, people don't exist. 01:18:58,240 --> 01:18:59,440 That ain't a fucking thing. Barons are not trans species. We are not transition into another species.

It is a spiritual identity where we believe that at heart, or in a past life, we were an animal. We do not trans- It's kind of wild to have like a rational thought, and then have it be wrapped into some irrational bullshit, you know? Right, like I was on board. We were like, yeah, that's true. And then she was like, oh, let me take you out to the fucking

Twilight Zone for a second. Transition, we do not. We don't believe that we're actually that animal. We believe that spiritually we are, and we do experience dysphoria and euphoria. That's why it's comparable. As a trans-therian, is to an extent comparable.

Do not transition, but our identities are still valid and should be respected. Also, a fuck ton of people, myself included, have genders that align with animals, because we're non-binary, like I'm Caddx for an example. Holy shit. Had each other that strongly relates to cats.

And it's actually like a completely insane person. I'm dog gendered. How about my mom? Oh my god. Being like, oh, doctors making that up. Why would the doctor make it? Give them my number. I'm like, no.

Why would the doctor make it up? Just so that he fucking feels smart. That's how fucking crazy Bronx is. That's not crazy shit. You know what that is? That thinking is, you think you're better than me? Yeah. You think you're better than me?

It's Crazy Foreigner Syndrome. Yeah. Yeah. This is some bullshit. The blood work said. Yeah. I've never heard of this. Oh yeah, doctor.

Oh yeah, doc Charo. But see, that's how I was with my dentist when she's like, you have a cracked tooth. And I was like, shut the fuck up, you liar. And then she's like, here's your x-ray. Here's the picture. And I was like, oh yeah, I'm fucking stupid. Yeah.

You're right. That's my favorite when people do the doctors a liar. Why would? You're like, what? I mean, sometimes it's because the doctor has something that you don't want to hear. You know? So people go like.

Yeah, why would the doctor want you to re-home your family dog? It's devastating. I don't want, you know what I mean? Like he wants to just hurt our feelings. Yeah. That's her rationale. He doesn't know.

Her theory is the doctor's like, I don't know. I'll just tell him it's dogs. Like, I got nothing to say. Dogs. You know, but I saw the blood work print out in his number of like. Who says that that's the dog blood work though? Oh my God, she's crazy.

Yeah. She thinks you're better than me? 01:21:32,880 --> 01:21:34,240 Think you're fucking smarter than me? I mean, shit. Huh? Convince them. Have them convince me.

So crazy. Can you believe that woman? Give birth to you. Super weird. So crazy. Yeah. I just left mine yesterday. You want to know why?

Why? Because I didn't pack them as lunche for one day. For one day I didn't pack as lunche. And that's why you all aren't together anymore? I didn't pack my lunche anymore. You don't pack my lunche anymore. But then the chingada I'm here at downtown

with the badass people right here partying. If you've got a girl that packs your lunche at least once a week, you can't let that go. Hey, no. I failed once not to pack his lunch. That's why. Don't you love her? I do love her.

I also think it's kind of strange. What? If you pack it all the time, what, you didn't do it once? I almost stands out more. That's a really good point. I didn't think about it that way. He's like, you've been doing this every day.

Today you don't have lunch with me? You didn't pack his lunche? His lunche is not packed. I like it. And she goes, I didn't do it one day. I didn't pack his lunche. I'm hanging out with all these badass people here. I didn't pack his lunche.

I mean, she's a sweetheart for packing his lunche every day. Every day. So you, but you're saying that you think he's validated. I'm saying, I'm not saying that they should not be together. I'm saying it's kind of a weird one that, you know, that she's like, what happened? What if, what if she just got super busy and she couldn't pack his lunche?

I mean, it's, I guess it's a valid point. I'm just saying it's probably really throwing him off. He's like, I'm going to work. Where's lunch? I didn't do it. What do you mean you do it every day? I count on it. He counts on the lunche.

Yeah. What if she were to give him money for a hot lunche? I mean, that'd be pretty cool. She's like, look, I didn't pack your lunche, but I hear some money. Yeah. And then you'd be cool with that? I mean, he probably like, I like when you back it, you know? I know.

He wanted it from her. Yeah. It's love because lunche is love. Lunche is love. He's like, you don't love me no more, eh? Yeah. And she's like, I'm out here partying with all these bad ass people. Bad ass people down here on the street.

I love this. This to me is like home. This is LA. Yeah. Like all these girls I grew up with. Yeah, it's fucking. I didn't pack his lunche one time. I didn't pack his lunche.

So cute. It definitely broke. It got him upset. Yeah, they fought. But you know what I'm saying? That it's not about lunche because here's the deal, man. It's never about the thing. This has been building up for months and months and months.

And then she passive aggressively was like, fuck him in his lunche. I'm not going to pack it no more. And then he's like, you don't fucking pack my lunch, bitch. And then it is, but the fight is about other stuff. It's not about lunche. It's not about lunche. Agreed.

That's why she's out partying. Do you feel forced to participate in our harmful extractive capitalist system? As a result, you feel compromised, frustrated, and fed up. It's not possible to completely extricate yourself from the infinite growth economy. There are, however, things you can do to minimize your participation in it

that bring about the change you want to see in the world. Like by engaging in the gift economy, by starting a local time bank by nothing group, or offers a needs market. Reduce your consumption of things and energy the less you consume, the less you support the system. Redefine rich. I created this space with free materials

and life feels truly decadent when I get to spend time here. Find ways off Wall Street to build financial resilience by investing in people, businesses, and projects that solve our major social and environmental challenges instead of causing them. And if you are investing in the stock market, connect with organizations like as you so to flex your shareholder advocacy muscle.

How are you maintaining your personal integrity and sanity as you navigate our late stage capitalism meltdown? Jesus Christ. Oh, man. How much do you hate this? Do you know who I like, who I like, who this is, for sure? Do you remember when we lived in our last neighborhood and we would walk to the village?

Yeah. And there was that one house that had like, you know. The shitty house. Fuck the oppressor. No, no, it was like as you got to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that's who lives there. They have like huge like forgive student debt,

like, you know, signs out front. You know, like, yeah. Capitalism's a devil. I love the forgive debt people the most. Somebody owns that debt fuckhead. You know, who's forgiving it? What's going to happen to it? You borrowed the money, dipshit.

Yeah, yeah, you pay it off. Fucking loser. Yeah, but I love these people who are like, really, you don't like capitalism. Well, how did you record this TikTok on your fucking iPhone that was invented because of capitalism? You dumb cunt. Even you get to voluntarily be poor.

She wants to voluntarily out of the system. Yeah, you should move to fucking New Guinea. Go to Venezuela. Yeah, go live any of these other countries that don't participate in capitalism. Go see how you like it there. Yeah. Go for it.

Go, go. Succeed there. Yeah. Take your fucking dumb bitch. Take your tile wall that you fucking built out of trash. How angry, what makes you angrier though? Tiny houses or this kind of lady? Oh, this bullshit.

This is the worst. You can feel decadent sitting in a dirt pile to just sit here with her, oh, so sad. Like, don't do that. I think her standards are too low. She needs to just raise her standards. Yeah. You deserve it.

You deserve a nice thing, lady. It's also like, it's like an identity you adopt when things are too hard. Yeah. It was too hard to adapt to the system that we're in. Yeah. So I'll just invent this new persona. It's upsetting.

Look at dipshit. What do you think her veg smells like? Like fucking an old sewer. Hi, guys. I am Tara and I killed my stepdad in self-defense. Now. That was a wild one, right? That was a wild one.

Wild, right. Agent Jeans sent me this one. Now, guess who that is? You know who this person is. You know who this person is. Remember Dirty John? Yes. That's the daughter.

That's such a great story. It's the best. If you guys haven't watched Dirty John, is it a lifetime? Yeah, you can watch the series. It's fantastic. But if you really want to enjoy it, I'm serious. You have to really encourage people to do this these days. The series came after a six or seven-part LA Times story of the story.

You know, the Los Angeles Times journalist wrote a seven-part series about this story. It's fantastic. Your voice is so sexy. You sound like Alec Baldwin. Oh, yeah. You usually have a deep voice, but now you sound like... Well, you know. Yeah, you sound like Alec Baldwin.

Go, Ilaria, we need to make more children. Ilaria. Seven or siete, like you like to say. Isn't enough. Yeah, you sound just like him. Yeah, so this is a chick that killed her stepfather in self-defense. This is a bad bitch. She's a bad motherfucker because that guy was a real terror, an absolute violent psychopath and...

Knucklehead. My mom married this guy, John Meehan. They ended up moving in together. She found out he was a dangerous man. He ended up attacking me, and then it turned into a TV series. It's fantastic. It really is a compelling, awesome one. Yes, it is.

And she, yeah, what a fucking baller. So I'm just going to give away too much. No, no, I mean, the story's been out a lot of time. She was into that zombie apocalypse TV show. What's that one called? The Walking Dead. The Walking Dead. She was really into it, and so that's a theme in the story,

and she and her friends are talking about how to kill people constantly from that. And so she had that kind of in the back of her head when she was being attacked, and that's what... He was going to kill her, too. Yes, and that's what helped her... He wasn't just like, you know, scrapping her, he went to kill her. Wild, and she was like a 21, 22-year-old girl. So that's an amazing story. All right, we got to wrap it up.

Wait, can I do my dates real quick? I didn't get to promote my dates. I'm going to be in Washington, Dick, come in July. And then also, guys, come see me in Manfred Disco. Yeah, watch this. Sorry, July 15th, Washington, D.C. And then I do San Francisco, July 29th and 30th, San Francisco at Cobbs. One night only in Seattle, July 31st, and then Cleveland, Minneapolis, Tits,

Brooklyn. I just added Brooklyn at the bell house, September 7th, Gashville, Tennessee, October 6th, and 7th, and 8th, and then Jewdork titties at Caroline's, November 4th, and 5th. Tickets at christinapeonline.com. Try it out. Try it out, try it out, try it out. All my dates are at thompsongrid.com slash tour.

I've been pushing my added arena show in Denver, July 24th. There's some other dates along the way. There really are so many shows. And we did add Australia, New Zealand, if you're not aware. We added a bunch. We have announced those shows and we added shows. And there's more international dates coming. Thank you all.

And thanks again for your support on the book. I'm very happy that it's out. I love your book. I'm so impressed. Thank you. I love your Jew glasses. We'll see you next time. Well, you know, when you're an artist and you do it,

just the love of the game. Nothing can stop you. Nothing can stop you. 01:32:53,520 --> 01:32:53,520 01:32:53,520 --> 01:32:53,520 01:32:53,520 --> 01:32:55,520 Nothing can stop you.