Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 664 - Andrew Santino - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 13, 2022

No, this isn't an old episode, we're just in LA "tryin' it out" for the summer. Andrew Santino joins Tom Segura for this episode of YMH, and Christina stays awfully quiet. They discuss living in Los Angeles, college athletes and coaches, Bhad Bhabie’s OnlyFans, Andrew’s dirt bike accident, Ari Shaffir’s new special, their worst subjects in school, working with Bobby Lee on Bad Friends, and more! They also watch videos of a cool chick explaining “ATM etiquette,” a dude that reminds them of Kevin Samuels, a guy struggling to give away WNBA tickets, and some “Horrible or Hilarious” clips.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

Spokane I am coming July 20th. I'll be at first interstate center for the arts the early show is sold out There are still tickets available to the late show go to Tom's girl comm slash tour Would you go to college back in the biggest baddest school in the land? Do you the norine college wait a minute? How the fuck did I never know this you went to school there? I was a school in hickory and there's a really interesting story as to why I went there. I Did not get into any other school that I applied to Welcome to your mom's house Welcome to the program. I probably don't say it enough so I'll say it now

You've never looked more beautiful Christina Thank you for dressing up today, and I'd like to welcome back to the show the very funny the very talented Andrew Santino everybody. Thank you very much for coming in. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me Tom. Yeah, it's great to see you man It's been a while I Don't know if I can ask you this or not We were just talking about the fact that you know, I actually live in Austin now I'm just visiting a Los Angeles for a short period. I know

Should I have stayed should I keep this place? No, great. No, this place is not for you. Good. In fact Once a month I go to where your old house was really and there's a vigil. Yeah, we all go out there and we as a group Yeah, there's about 150 of us Jesus. That's sizable Mm-hmm, and we go out there and we pray that you'll stay in Austin and not come back That's how much you don't want me back. Mm-hmm, and every time you come back we kind of Everyone can collectively it's a little sad about it and they must feel like the vigil doesn't work It does not yeah, it does not because you have so much access to come back and forth

Yeah, but it is what it is. Yeah, you didn't bring her which is kind of nice. Yeah, that was him because she's Just not it stinks. Yeah, it stinks and Don't miss her. Don't miss anything about anything to say about that That's what I thought. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah her birthday is coming up Just passed. Yeah. Oh shit. Yeah, she didn't pass the birthday just passed. No bummer 74 75 I think fit nickel nickel 55 55. Yeah To two fives. Mm-hmm. You ready to get a new wife. I've been ready Yeah, it's about that time. Yeah, it really is you still have one. Yeah, but she's

Well, I sent her away for a little while how'd that go? It was good. It's just I didn't know there was adult boarding school But you know you can there was adult boarding school if you if you have a significant other that you're kind of Getting sick of you can send him away for a couple months. Does it make him better? It does something to him. Yeah, I can tell you that. Yeah, she went away for three and a half months To Croatia I sent her away to Croatia small little town in Croatia. Yeah Culturally kind of different now. Yeah gets it. They still they still you know smack around a little bit Yeah, and do all the things that you kind of want the program to do and then they come back a little bit different

so I wouldn't mind that I wouldn't mind like a like a Eastern European or Russian kind of training school. Yeah, we're like a guy with like big hands like bear hands You know, it's kind of just like, you know, it's just Just not hitting but just kind of you know, you know when like when you're doing pad work We were in Georgia's and someone just fucking. Oh, yeah Like that. Yeah, just kind of that doesn't some shoulder-shaking be better wife. Yeah, but that wife, but that wife Yeah, and by at some point I am better wife, then they figure it out. Yeah, you know, then they can all figure it out

But she's good. She's back and she doesn't speak English anymore, but she is good What a dream, you know what we got now. We got a garden in the backyard from her. She learned how to do that. Mm-hmm. Yeah growing zucchini Squash lettuce and strawberries Wow, I'll bring some next time those those Slovaks. I really know how to do Mm-hmm, that's great. Those slovis can grow man. Yeah, they really can they don't have a choice You want to eat if you want to eat you must grow. Do you Do you well actually let me get into let me open this show with a clip. Yeah, and we'll talk please

Here you go Listen for those of you that do not understand ATM etiquette. I got I'm gonna teach you a little something Okay, I just left the ATM. It's just one little small little room with just one ATM in there I swiped my card to get in the room a man came behind me right up on me I'm getting ready to put my card into the ATM machine, but he's so close up on me So I look back at him, you know if anybody looks back at you because you too fucking close that means get the fuck back, right? It does mean get the fuck back Oh

It's a long one it's a long it was longer than than normal I feel longer than the show usually is I Love a black woman breaking down how shit should be I'm gonna be honest with you when she said let me tell you something About ATM etiquette. I'm with I already know where you're going. I thought asked a mouth I thought she was gonna be like wipe yo dick So you pull it out of my ass a hundred percent I was like I thought she's going ATM etiquette and then she's talking about the actual machine. Yeah, and she's right back to fuck up Dude back the fuck up and if it's a room like one thing is like there's an ATM out in public

You know stand at least fucking eight feet back ten feet back Yeah, give the person if it's one of those rooms like dude wait outside the room That's the whole point. Have you ever when was last time used an ATM though for real? Um No, no, I did I know yeah, we know when tell me when off the top you had the last time you went to an ATM It was not that long. It was drive-thru. I drove up to one used to get some cash. Yeah, I did really yeah I swear to you. What are you doing with cash? I don't think in LA they accept cash anymore. We're such this is such a fascist

Really this place is crazy places insane. No, they don't accept cash anymore. You go to places. They're like we're cashless Everything yeah, and you're like no, no, that's illegal. You have to take cash Legal this is legal tender and they go now. We're cashless. Yeah, so then you can tip us before we get you the product You have to give them 50% before you even get the thing there's the cash There's the people that are not taking cash and then nothing nothing still makes me crazier than This bill is too big for us, and I'm like, how is that my problem? Why is that my problem? This is a business, right? Like this is a business and you take us cash here. Yep, I have it I have it that you have something smaller. No, no, not my problem

Yeah, you figure it out you go to the bank and you learn ATM etiquette when you go to the bank business Fucking a so listen was that she does here. So he still doesn't move I don't give a shit if the mandate was lived in no mask mandate or whatever you still supposed to practice social distance Especially at the ATM. So since he didn't guess what I did I farted on his ass the fart was loud and it was funky The fact that she keeps one in the chamber for situations like this I know kudos. Yeah, she's loaded up at the ATM knowing I Could hold this shit. Yeah, I could wait till I get back outside get too close like a snake She's got her ass, man ready to just hiss right out all over this guy He's gonna look at me and say

Then leave about it a room you should have been you should have waited outside in the first goddamn place You're not supposed to be in the all-up on somebody when they trying to get their money out Hey, listen, if you in the ATM or you if somebody too close up on you, all you got to do is just fart on make sure it's loud and It's fun. Yeah It's not bad advice, you know, I know Kevin Samuels passed away. All right, P Rest in peace man. This is like the new female Kevin's annual. Yeah, she's given the right advice to people that need to hear it I can't believe people bashed him so much. Kev Sam. Yeah. Yeah They were bashing they were just like

They were so upset they're like the way he I'm like he was all he was was straightforward He's just like a guy who was like you need to lose weight. Yeah, that's it And you're like, I mean, I think I'm beautiful He's like, you know, he was like he's a man in that in that way because you could be you need to lose weight And a woman your friend like you look great. And then a guy your guy friend will be like, hey, man Yeah, you need to drop 20 pounds tighten up. Tighten up. You're going summertime to put that shit down. Stop eating That's what that's what like guy friends. That's what a good friend would do. Yeah friend a real friend a real friend Yeah, what's like you look like shit. Yeah, but quite the opposite you look better than you've ever looked right now

Thanks, man, and I see you. Can I say something that you do that annoys me? What I've got a list here. Let me get my phone Yeah, yeah, you do the thing that Rogan does sometimes when you post sweat drops. Oh, yeah, yeah post workout Yeah, yeah as your friend. Yeah, don't do that. Guess what I call it a pool of accomplishment It's every time I see it. I'm annoyed and the only reason I'm annoyed is because I didn't work out that day That's what pisses me off that I'm like fucking I know that I've become a guy that I'm sure I would have been like Don't post your workout shit. It's it's become like I don't even post them all I don't post them all but when I'm feeling like like yesterday I should have posted yesterday because I took some cratum and I was just fucking geeked out of my mind

You like that shit, huh? Dude that stuff's like it's it's like crack for oh my god. It's heavy. I was like And I was fucking here's how crazy it was. I was gonna do like four sets of a work of like one lift and then Another one and a three and that would be a set right four four four right and then I would move on to another A body Part and then do four four four again. I was so geeked up that I would go from those four That I would go over to the treadmill like run for three minutes

Then do step ups then go back to the four then throw in kettlebells like in between the four not counting it And I got out of there like an hour and 15 minutes later. I was like, I'm out of my fucking mind that shit is also crazy Let's start taking that shit. Yeah, dude. You should get some I want to get get the liquid kind because there's pills too It's the liquid is what's up It's straight up. We'll have you just fucking what happened to sigura. He OD'd on cratum at the gym He was kettlebelling his way to death. I I do I like I run every I ran this morning. I run It's great for you It is it can be but I also have learned to row

But I can't row anymore Because every time I think of rowing I think of house of cards because he would row at night Oh, yeah And I can't be associated with him. Can I tell you something man? I was just thinking about him How when pit when someone has a scandal publicly And we're like they're like in especially now in the modern in the last let's say decade where we go This person is now persona nongrata, right? Like you just we don't we don't deal with them anymore Then you go. Well

How talented were they? Yeah, right? How talented were they? Like if it's you know, if you tell me like, uh Marilyn Manson we can't I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. If I can get him out of here Hasn't made a song in a long time. I don't give a shit what yeah, I'm done. I don't I wasn't listening in any way kevin spacey Open arms, baby come back. You're a really Other level actor. I mean this guy is phenomenal. He's so good. He's so fucking good Let me throw some out and let me see how you feel. Okay, john mayor He has a scandal. No, I'm saying if oh Jesus could we let him back

You know, I'm I fucking rips. He rips, dude, and he does the uh What was that? That was us. Sorry about that. Whoa, holy fuck, dude. You guys are Wait till big t is done with this podcast. You guys are done. Two fucking jays in the booth and we got ding ding ding Was that money going into your bank account? Yeah Ta ta they're retarded So john mayor because he he wails he will what's the um, he when he does the uh the dead in company like he does Yeah, dude. He it's unbelievable how talented that dude is. I know how talented he is. Um, but you're done

No, no, I'm not done. I'm saying I I am not familiar enough with like I you know when someone's like a celebrity You're like, of course, I know who that is. Yeah, of course, like I could even reference that. I know he does those tours on on top of his own I'm gonna say because I'm not as familiar. He's welcome. Oh, he's welcome back. Okay. Yeah about um Okay comics, I'll do if they what about a tell what if they canceled the tell I don't care if he fucking Guts a dog On the 405 like he can I don't give you pictures of him with a cigarette in his mouth It's just like carving a dog in half right off the freeway. Fine. Fine. He can come back come back That's this is good to know the scale over who's allowed to come back

I mean, I really would have a hard time saying no to anything He could do something really terrible A tell could get him anything for me. Yeah. Yeah, I'd be like he's probably got a great joke about it He'll have something you know soon. Oh, yeah, what about athletes? What about like, uh Well, first I want to say this I have a real I The older I get the more I realize it's kind of silly how much we um Like we punish athletes for not having great personality sometimes Yeah, that's part of the modern thing. They're like this guy's kind of a dick and I'm like

Yeah, I mean it's we don't like dicks, but then you're like Yeah, but he's you know, he's doing his job. His job is to like play that sport. Yeah, and people get like really You know like berry bonds is you know famously like Not liked by the press Right, they're like he was a dick. I'm like, it's the greatest fucking. Yeah player. He was a dick to you guys Yeah, but that's we're one he didn't like he didn't like Prep he didn't like media. I thought they said like they say Phil Mickelson a lot of people have an issue with him They say he's kind of like the dickhead and Karim was like that in the 70s and 80s

Like the press was like we hate Karim. He's such an asshole. He was like, hmm Would you want to talk to the press after playing a game? I think I would be the worst Why is I think I'd be the worst and also the like the uh, the thing now has evolved into they talked to you during the game Yeah, this is insane going to the locker room at half time. They're like rough first half And you're supposed to be like, yeah, you know, um, I really need to calm down and uh, we need to do fundamentals Like how are you even having this interview right now? Yeah, what's it work? Here you go. You're an athlete. You just got beat You guys just got whooped, you know 40 to fucking seven. You just got fucking you just got it ready. Yeah How do you feel about the loss tom? Fuck you you con

Why can't anybody say leave me the fuck alone leave me the fuck alone. I don't want to do this You get contractually your oblique. That's the thing and I think they're assholes The organizations and the league for making them do that I gotta I got something this this just made me think of something Why wouldn't they have a contract where it's like, yeah, you have to do a press or media Sure But you get to go through one channel and then that channel distributes it to everyone and they can interpret it as they must So imagine afterwards you're like, hey for 20 minutes

We have to talk to your press guy like your media guy. Sure. He distributes it to them and they can do as they may I think I know the players would like it more Well, we just exhibit someone they get along with they can ask those questions and then go You can give that to the guys and they can do whatever they fucking want. Although this talking to you right now Just makes me realize how much it's fun to watch A psychopathic coach who just lost have to answer questions. The coach is good. I think they should have to talk They're great players. No, but a coach is good. I like when the coaches get emotional Like pop pop used to say shit. I love a pop of it used to go off

He would say whatever he felt like and also he'd bring social issues if something was bothering him. Yeah, he would go for it Yeah, he'd be like those guys suck and that's all bullshit and they're like, all right pop Thanks for the time and he would just walk right out. Yeah, I loved that about him He didn't get he couldn't fucking care less. Steve Kerr speaks up a lot. There's a lot of them that just talk That know how to like throw it in when they feel like it's necessary But also then there's guys that are miserably boring coach wise that they get up there And then they don't say anything anyone you're like, this is why did we do this? Yeah, the the the guys who answered things just like the way

That they were programmed. Yeah, they're programmed. It's so boring. I like when you know, like a like a mike leech who um, who's just like Just saying wild shit like, you know, he's like, well these guys weren't more concerned with their fat fucking girlfriends and playing ball and you're like That shit is amazing. Have you seen last chance you? I've seen uh season one. I think I saw part of season two. I've watched all of them every time I'm on a plane I watch one of those things. Yeah, it's fucking amazing. They're great because the coaches These are you know, they're like juco guys or community college guys. So like they're their isms, you know I I just like when they talk shit and those are the kind of coaches I wish could make it at a higher level

Yeah, because they're straight as fuck. They're straight up There's no faking it because they've worked with kids that come from the toughest situations. There's no bullshit You can't fucking soft play those kids. No, you have to be honest with them. Otherwise, they don't respect you Totally, I know when they get to those kids too who are like and they're like looking at their transcripts and they're like Jesus Like can you read? My god, you're fucking 19. What there was one where the kid got an f and um It was like a conversation class. All you had to do was talk about life. It was like a philosophy conversation class He's like, how you gonna get an f in thought

You know the answer is I just don't go. Yeah, I don't go My cousin is from vegas and he went to unlv In the like early 90s when they had that squad And then we're talking like larry johnson, stacey augman And they you know, if you're not familiar you look up that team and these dudes were like these dudes were like It was it was your nightmare. They were grown men Absolutely, they weren't college men. They were they were fucking they looked like they were 40 years old larry johnson looked 37 And like he's he looked like a defensive end for the like for the giants. There's like 275. Yeah

67 and this man Put in unlv. I mean, this is a you tell me that like That like that's a college kid like And he I mean fucking like built like this that's a man That's a grown adult one gold tooth in the front and he was just and then and he's playing against a fucking 18 year old me. Yeah, yeah You'd see him. You're like, oh shit

And just yeah double hand, you know fucking breaking the backboard. So I was like that's a that's a dad That's like a grown dad. That's who's got a mortgage. Yeah genetics are wild But he's I was like you're in class. He goes, yeah, I had stacey augman in a class And I was like, what was that like? He goes, he came one time Because he came one time he sat with his feet up on another desk And and was just like lounging and he goes then we never saw him again And I'm like and you know because that was uh coach, uh, tark. Yeah. Yeah. He used to bite the towel. Yeah, that's right

all right, and um A famous uh players coach they would say you know, he would go to those professors and be like this kid's passive Yeah, do the right thing. Yeah, do the right thing or you're fired. Yeah, but I've been here for 15 years It doesn't fucking matter give a stacey augman and this is Las Vegas. I'll have your fucking neck broken in the desert Yeah, I do I think that it is wild to think that like there's this argument still about like I'm pro pay to play Yeah, I'm big on that. I think give those kids the fucking money. You're robbing them anyway When people are like their education is what they're getting out of it. It's like dude. They don't fucking okay, you old man Shut up with that shit. I'll give these guys money and also when someone complains about them having help

Yeah, like they're like, oh, but they get help to get their classes. Yeah, because their whole life Is working and training for a thing. Yeah, you don't have that at all. You don't do shit. Yeah Yeah, you should go to class. They have so many other priorities So they're balancing all this stuff. Of course, they don't they shouldn't go to class They should have to go to class a half as much as you because they do twice as much out. Totally and here's the thing We, you know, the world is full of Regular folks. Yeah, and then outliers and like people who have like incredible skills

Like I was just in Cincinnati. I hung out with Joe burrow and you know the uh, joey b. Yeah The the bangles quarterback and I'm thinking like you take a kid like that when he transfers into goes into lsu, right and think about The impact just financially he has on not just that team Yeah, the school the market What it does like the how many more people are watching those games on tv What that heisman does and you go this is generating

million millions of dollars and you want to go Yeah, but we just got you a fucking degree. So it's like who gives a fuck out of here with that Yeah, get the fuck out of here You are generating you you do start to realize what that does for like even a city Yeah, like that just for the city itself it brings the name changes for people culturally it becomes like I think cleveland was always this joke, you know the browns people always have a joke about cleveland browns Especially could be in from the midwest but but straight up baker mayfield Did a thing for cleveland. Yeah, like it's it's it's got a thing now

There's a thing about it now that you're like They're not the browns of old right. Do you know what I mean? I know they're like hit the bricks, dude We don't need you. I know I know but it's on the college level. It really Changes everything. You know, like I didn't even realize Till I was on this tour. I didn't realize how small Enrollment is at duke Because it's such like this

glorified Yeah program that you it's a national program that for years and years and years just wins and is always in the final four and you're like I don't know in your mind. I always just imagine A bigger school. Yeah, and you realize no, this is what something like a like a great sports team can do for A school is like the it's like the the billboard of the school You know is ever it's really small enrollment, man Is it a few thousand and you're like wait what thousand? What's the enrollment undergrad enrollment at duke? Dude, I went to arizona state. I think we have 750,000 kids at one time

They will take everybody although I did hear someone recently say They didn't get into asu 6700 kids 6700. Yeah, that was one of my classrooms. Yeah arizona state. Yeah, that was one one lecture hall That's a that's the whole fucking school. Holy shit. Like that's that's like a large high school. You know, yeah Like in miami. That's like a fucking big high school. How many high school how many my high school was like 4,000 Yeah, so it's not that much bigger man. Wow, that's fucking crazy. Would you go to college? Fucking the biggest baddest school in the land Do you the norrine college?

Lenore Rhine in north carolina. Uh, how'd you know? Is it really? Yeah, that's wrong to school. Yeah, did you really that's wrong to school? How do you know that have we talked about this? We could have I'm very well my stepdad's from north carolina. Oh, that's probably why you know but he's from By hickory, you know, you know hickory. That's where the norrines. Yeah, wait a minute. How the fuck did I never know this? You went to school there. I went to school in hickory and there's a really interesting story as to why I went there I did not get into any other school that I applied to I mean zero I can't believe you if you went to an appalachian school. You're a mountain boy, dude

And here's the thing. I was fucking miserable Sad it was sad. I I was so upset. I mean I did not apply myself in high school like very like I mean I really was a lazy and I went to a really good prep school So I was just like one of those kids where they're like they're just trying they're like, hey, we know you're not dumb But could you try and I was like whatever and then You know, it really was I mean it really like when you see it more clearly when you look back

You're like I put nothing into this same and they're spending my parents spending so much money on sending me to this school I feel better because mine was public school. I feel bad. I don't feel bad Well, yeah, but they know they spent a lot and there was a small school. So you'd see You see the they'd post this thing like on the patio. They had the thing called the senior patio Where kids are going to school and it was like Ivy League stuff pretty much across it was like Harvard Harvard yeah, all like that and why you this kid struggled. He got to stanford like that kind of shit and Then you just go all down Yeah

I mean it was bad, but I remember going there and it was so you know, I was like I remember first of all, I'd never heard of it and I was meeting with the The county like every kid has a counselor you talk about college prep with And I remember him being like it's not looking good for you, man And I was like, yeah, he was this uh science teacher at the school and I was like really he goes well your gpa is horrible Your sat's are okay, and he's like where do you think you're going to go to school?

And I was like, I don't know I was going to apply to he was like Apply yeah, you don't get to apply buddy. He goes. I want you to check out. He said it Lenore Ryan I go what the fuck is that sounds like a skin rash or something, you know He's like it's a school in caroline and I'm like I still wonder like why He suggested that school specifically. Yeah, because it's not like It's not like known as like an easy it's a small private school I really think maybe he was like, hmm. They'll they'll take a kid who you won't apply for a financial aid or something And maybe it'll accept that

Um But I remember going and I was like, I don't want to go to school here I was applying to what I thought were big college experiences, you know, like I remember I applied to like I think university of south. I actually might my dream school was du Denver university It's good school. Yeah, but you couldn't get in there. I applied and they said no, yeah, no chance The funny thing is my best friend from high school who I was classmates with Had a lower s at but a higher gpa. Yeah, he got in What was your gpa? Do you remember at high school? I think two one

Yeah, yeah Two one it was second lowest in the class the only kid with a lower gpa. It was named norbert Yeah, wait, where's norbert now what it what's normed up. I think he does um, I think he cleans pools or something like that I don't know. I don't know. Can you imagine the scale difference of what you the two, you know, he's he's like I bet you that tom guy that was dumb like me. Yeah, he's probably doing something similar And look at your landscape Poor norm dog. Yeah, bless norm dog. He probably invented something. Let's make up a different narrative. He's the guy that invented He invented something he did something really really good. I can tell big things norm is doing big thing

He's killing it out there. I think my gpa was two Nine six, I think that's right. If I remember I was just below gotten into du with that I definitely could have I I don't know man, dude. I didn't get into anywhere anywhere I mean, I didn't apply to a lot of schools, but arizona state was like fine asu was like fine because we didn't take s at we took acts and you did in chicago No, it was bad. I think my acts were really bad. I had multiple f's because of What's that subject with the numbers math math? Yeah I failed multiple math classes and I also but here's the thing. I would just go like yeah, I don't do math

That's how you get out. That's uh, I don't do that. This is not a thing I like math and then you still have to take it. No, do you though? Do you have to take math? The funny thing is, you know, you when you grow up and then you go I mean, I'm not I don't find myself to be particularly intimidated by Numbers or like having you know, I mean like no having statistic type conversations But man as soon as I got into algebra, I was like, no, this is not for me No, I want to do it again You know what I want to do if I if I have two kids

I'm gonna have one kid go to regular school and one kid teach nothing and see what happens Yeah, as an experiment as a control, you know Have one kid go through the school system learn everything and have the other kid never talk to him about anything Make him just live. This is a perfect chapter for free economics. Did you ever read free economics? Yeah, I did. Yeah, it's exactly right winner winner and loser The guy named his twin boys winner and loser and then Winner ended up going to jail a bunch a lot like his career criminal and loser

became a police captain Who ended up going by lu because he was like, I think I should probably modify this But that was like some dad's idea of a funny bit. Yeah It's pretty funny winner and loser and went and loser loser never got to be An authority figured a winner, but man, that would have been great. If loser arrested winner. Oh my god What a day for the dad. I mean imagine to imagine the chuckle

That the booking police officers had when they're put like lock like, you know doing the mugshot and who do we have here? You know, we got a real winner in this. I mean that was dad jokes galore galore They just let it fucking fly. Well you your kids are destined for greatness. I imagine. I mean, I don't know. I hope so they're they're They're they're just it's a fun age of them just being like wild boys Yeah, three and six a lot of dick out type of stuff So much dick make a time so much and like did they pull on it? They just pull on it randomly, right? So i'm like in the living me the other day in my three-year-old sitting on the couch

naked And he's and he's just like He's just doing like this and he's got a boner and I just look over I go. Hey man You you can't do that. This is a public area. I go you want to touch your thing? You go to your room and he goes look at it I go no I go I don't want to look at it. Look at it. He goes look at it. I go. I know what it is I have one too go to your room and do that and he's like hold on. I'm like, no I'm like no dude. Let him get out of here. Let that kid finish. Don't interrupt his him time

But then I realized I like we know when you're that age you're probably like, isn't this crazy that this thing like grows So do you remember the first time you saw your penis like get hard the the first for it? No, I don't remember the first time. I do remember that I was masturbating Before I knew that I was masturbating same and that I told my cousin I was like do you do that thing where like you you know Like you kind of like rub the head and like your body like gets these shivers and he was like what? I was like I was like, you know what I mean like you just kind of like and he was like nah

We were young like seven or six or seven or something. Yeah, that's you know I mean like you just kind of like I think like I humped a mattress and stuff and he was like, I don't know what you're talking about He wasn't into it. I mean now he was that I think he was a few years away I put a sock on my penis when I was like Eight or nine and I remember how good it felt to tug the sock over my penis And that was like the first time I learned about

You know Putting a sock over your dick and then later you'd learn that that's how people fucking would jerk off inside of socks I never jerked off in a sock. Yeah, but that was like a thing that people did but I put a sock on my penis Because I thought it was funny. I remember thinking it was funny Like it made me laugh. I don't know how dumb this was but I used to like I used to ask like my college roommates One of them was like, oh You know, I was like, what do you like where do you jerk off into? He's like oh into a tissue and I was like, yeah, but I have monster loads. He was like what?

And You need a paper towel. He was like I go how much comes out. He's like, I don't know like a few drops or something I was like, oh no, no, I have like ropes and he like I need like So he's like, wait, where do you shoot it? I go I shoot it into like my boxers and then I just dispose of those You just throw them away. No, but I mean like I go like they're at least they're contained. Yeah, it's contained in this It's crumpled. Yeah. Yeah, and then I just throw that in the hamper or something, you know I was really so your mom could have to uh, they'd just be like rock hard boxers all over the place

I never left it for my parents. I was a good boy. Wow. That's how we put it in something. Yeah Magazines a lot of magazines really. Yeah a lot of like a healthy living A lot of gqs. I feel like people don't understand how much I come and I want to show them Show us show us now. Only fans. Yeah. Yeah, you should do one. Dude, that would be rad Why don't you do an only fans? I know that there's some guy who's doing only fans that is like making I don't know how much money he's like jerking off just jerking off. Yeah, but he's like a like a model looking dude So what so how are you not a model guy? Yeah, that's true. You're a mega babe, dude That's totally that's a good point. There was somebody that there's a friend of a friend that I have that's she doesn't do

Any nudity she tries on outfits And makes 10 grand a month Tries on outfits. The other thing is, you know, it was all like sex workers And then it then it became like sex workers and like just hot people and now only fans also has just Things like nothing to do with anything sexual like dj. Collin hasn't he's like check me out by my pool and shit Does he have an only fans? Yes. Oh, shit. And so people are paying for access to Like him hanging out at home, but I do want to I do want to see that I mean, I would I would pay to see that but I don't want to give that access to my I don't want to be like

I'm home now Yeah, but you should you could do a joke only fans where it's like you're only do you do the same thing every time they log in Oh, right. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, like you're always it's always like the last bite of your meal or something like that It's like you know, I mean Well, like the last wipe of your ass and that's all they get to see is the final wipe And then I show see it's clean and then I it's that's why it's done Tom Segura's only fan the final wipe And then you just stand up

63 grand What a crazy business. I think it's I think it's about to peel off and stop but that girl that bad baby girl She made like a well it was a couple million in one month She's making I think she made 52 million last year 52 million. Yeah. God bless. What the greatest is the greatest country in the world It's amazing. It's the greatest country in the world. Can you do that anywhere else? I don't think so 52 and Not showing her twat. Wait, she's not showing her her chochino. I don't think so. Wow. I thought so not even her boobies Uh-uh and the the majority of her like well, it's it's spread out between the monthly subscriptions

I saw the breakdown and then messages so you can pay that's what it is. I think 50 bucks It's not even a crazy amount for a message. She made like 27 million off of messages the messages alone. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. So I have an only fans I usually don't promote it, but I have an only fans and it's oh, yeah, so sorry. Um, can you make that bigger by chance? the um, you know, this is like a bit of the uh The breakdown, okay Wow, so Yeah, she made

Yeah, 26. Is that 26 million 700 or is that 2 million? 26 267,000 Wow Wait Oh 267,000 on messages. Oh, that's for a month. Yeah Yeah Wow

Or it's over a grand a month on messages on messages tips 5500 subscriptions 757,000. Yeah, so you're right. So for the month the gross is A million right am I reading that right? I said I was not a good math student. So I was just gonna say I was I was letting you do that because I was like I want to watch this whole why he failed math But that is like it looks like that's I bet she banks a million and six hours that was six hours. So that was one day. That wasn't the month

That was one day. It was April 1st to April 1st. So that was one day I have an only fans where I've got a I've got a butt plug expander. It's in right now. It is every time I get a tip How do you feel about butt play? Uh about the butt plugs. Well, just butt plugs or butt play in general like your ass It is what it is if you want to come near there. Do you know what I mean? It's kind of like, uh I it's kind of it's like it's an active volcano, but you don't know when it's gonna spew So if you're on the island at the wrong time, you know, I mean, you just hope it doesn't hit while you're on vacation How's the old lady feel about it?

She doesn't have a choice. Yeah, that whole fucking Croatia trip really changed her that changed her life Yeah, she's she knows when she comes home. She's a play with butt. I'm like, you better believe it Yeah, I just throw my legs right over my head and I make her go to town her accent really changed play with butt Yeah, she does now. Yeah, she switched it man. She really did switch it up I saw this episode of what does the wild naked man drink? I'm gonna feel this beautiful mason jar with my beautiful oren Which is medicinal Especially after some amazing working out or going for a run or pumping some iron

It's a form of biofeedback and it's a form of self-love when I drink my own piss I get this enhanced benefit of self-approval and self-acceptance And really that's all There is to life because self-love is the only love So no wonder the yogis have been doing it for over 5,000 years Oh, fuck. I feel sick. Yeah, I throw everything that's bad for us Like injecting heavy metals and aborted fetal cells right into your body What is made to seem good and everything that's good for us like drinking your piss is made to seem bad

We live in an inverted clam world. So try it for yourself and be your own guru and do what feels good What the like what the fuck? What are we talking about? What are we fucking talking about? What are the chances he lives in LA? We have real venus vibes. My big venus vibes big venus vibes. I think I've surfed with this guy. Yeah Son of a bitch. He's like you piss in your wetsuit and then you just drain the wetsuit afterwards and drink that The idea that your body getting rid of stuff and that you should put it right back in Do you think it's doing that as a bit? You think your body's like, I'll get rid of this You have to try to catch it and put it back in

This shit that's coming out of your ass. You got to you got to grab it. Save it. That's what's good for you It's got to be good for you. A lot of people don't know this What have I read though that this if you do drink your own piss It's okay for me bad for you. You can't drink my pee, but I can drink my own pee I've I've heard that like drinking urine is not It's sterile for me right and not sterile for you. I don't think so right right you couldn't drink my piss right and if you had like If you had anything like disease wise. Yeah, you were Piss can infect somebody right if you drink it right or you piss someone's eyes or something like that

Right in your mouth or in your eyes Which I would hope you would do to bobby or something. I've done. Yeah, I have done Can you imagine what color his piss is? I think about that sometimes. Well, are we talking? You know first thing in the morning, which is usually around three or four p.m When you have that first pee, yeah, it's got to be it. I mean it's funky. It's like simpson's yellow Yeah, you know, I mean where it's so bright. It looks like it hurt. It's painful How's he doing doing well? Bobby's doing good. Good. He's you know, the problem with him outside of the asian stuff is really that

he's He's he is so unmanageable sometimes Yeah, where I had to call him and yell at him the other day about All he has to do Is answer the phone from one of the people on the team right he won't answer any of the phone calls Oh, yeah, so I'm like just one of the guys there's five people calling you answer one fucking phone call And I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm right now I'm like, I know but it's not me. You have to answer their phone. They have to do logistical stuff. Yeah, we're planning something

Okay, okay. Okay. All right. Goodbye Someone will call right to voicemail And every time I'm I'll text and call him and like hey man, we're trying to coordinate all this stuff. He's just he's a 50 251 year old 13 year old so crazy. It's insane. I'm babysitting. That's what I get paid to do is babysit So then do you have to like do you you need something? Do you like call coli like do you have to like find other if I needed to if I needed something serious? I'd call her you would she would be like the

You know that's hilarious. She's the last stop on the tour. He's so funny like but I have to ping pong through how many people can get a hold He has an assistant now why choose ping pong. It's kind of an Asian I have to ching chong through the system. I'm sorry about that. Yeah, I have to ging gong through the system Yeah, I have to wing wong my way up. Yep. He's gotten assistant now, which is even how is that? It's impossible She I feel so bad for this girl. It's crazy that she took the job It's great. She took the job. I mean, it's like Asian I don't know. I've never even arrived. No idea what she looks like, but I'm not we're he had that sweet It was like her niece or something. She was always Rudy. She's on it. Yeah, she's on the show

Is she still on the show? She got deported. She did Yeah, I tell you something I called ice. I kind of wanted her She went to the Philippines and uh, I made a couple of phone calls make sure she couldn't come back in I was just sick of that shit. Yeah, and these Filipinos they come here and they come here and you don't fucking put out Go back, you know Go back She's just she had to go man. I was so sick of it. I just said you got to get out of here, buddy We have too many brown people in southern california. We don't need a new shade

You know, it is and she has like a different complexion. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is she no she went She's been the Philippines right now living her her best little life and then she's gonna come back I think in a couple of weeks. I think I don't know but me and bob are We're doing good But we're about to have like a tonka a bunch of breaks because he goes shoot something I leave then I shoot so are you gonna Bank everything I don't know we're gonna try and I think we're gonna try to go back and forth He has to go to new york for a while

So i'm gonna go to just go to new york and then shoot in new york No, which I love I love going to new york because you get to like that's a fantasy town. It is fantasy town I can't live you're working there too. No, i'm gonna just go out there see him do show see him You know podcasts from out there too. He's shooting though too out there. Yeah, he's shooting sex and the city Oh, that he that's back. Mm-hmm. It's gonna be yeah Because I remember he was on it last right? I mean he was in the last time he's playing One of the new girls they replaced one of the girls and he's playing one of the new girls Can I tell you something? Yeah, he's a more beautiful woman than he is a man

Couldn't agree more it makes sense. He's a very pretty little girl Yeah, and actually kind of has the same tendencies like he's he doesn't like to pee in front of me He gets nervous. He turns on the sink when he's in the bathroom. Yeah, he's a sweet little boy Also makes me sick in my stomach, but I do love him to death It's kind of like you and christina like you love her, but what do you think she's repulsive to you? Yeah, exactly Speaking of women Have you seen this bit? I just I just I don't know who this is like let me see if I can see who did this

It's seph Is it roblin? Would you rather have a ticket to a wmba game or one dollar? Are you going? Which one would you rather have? All right, I guess. All right. Thank you. Neither neither Seriously, this is court side ticket. Does that change your mind? No Jesus, I this guy was I've seen this guy do a couple of these. Yeah, he I think it's the same guy He went up to someone was like I'll give you $5,000 if you can name me three wmba players

Holy shit, and no one could do it and he had cash on him not one person could name three Go do it now go. Let me see if you can do it go I can't I know It's I tried myself I mean, I can't even actually think of I does lisa leslie still play because she was the best Right, I don't think she's a play active anymore. Fuck. There's the one who's in russia. What's her name? Oh, um Britney grinder pretty pretty grinder. Britney grinder. Is it grinder? It is for me. Okay Britney grinder. Yeah, she's still stuck over there. Yeah, she she's really good

Um, I do know I do know another one because she went to my sister high school Really? Probably the greatest right now. Candace parker. Candace parker is incredible. And what's the one? It's like italian like the suberd No, the uh, look at I got three. You did get three. What's the she's um She's got like that long face. What are you doing? Be careful because then dove can hear this. Oh He's he's like considered one of the best ever He's like she's got a one of these and then she's always got like a top hat on And she eats money at halftime. I don't remember

Do I'm talking about the um, is she italian? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah She's she's like really well, you would you've wrecked diana terrasi. That's her name. Is that her name? Yeah diana terrasi I'm almost positive type it in Yeah, that's what i'm talking about the only way I know the any of these names is because Sports center shoves it down your throat. They really do throw they make sure that you know that they're playing The only thing that's hilarious about people getting up like that guy's obviously he's like just, you know, stirring shit up

100 which is hilarious. But when people go like, uh, They should get paid more. It's like no you get paid more because the business thrives You get paid based on the the money the revenue that comes in right? That's why NBA players make that much money Yeah, this argument is never it makes me so mad very silly whenever somebody goes They're getting paid too much to play a game You're like, what the fuck are you talking about the thing that's making all the money? Do you think an owner of a fucking sports franchise would go? I should give these guys equal cuts of what i'm making. No, fuckhead. Yeah, if they're making billions

They're giving you a tiny percent of what they're making. So when they get overpaid, that's such a It's such a non-truth. There's such a missing element of like, what would you want them to be paid? Tell me the percentage that would be fair. It's revenue based. It's not yeah talent based, but it's more revenue based What are you drawing into the team? Sure. I mean and WNBA players if they were making more money If the thing was making more money, then they would make them. I think it's Really struggled as a league for a long time. Well, how much are the tickets and here's one of the craziest things I learned this like a year or two ago That do you know who it doesn't support the WNBA? I'm talking about with ticket sales and such women

Yeah, the attendees of of attendance of the games. It's mostly men. It's mostly men. Yeah Look at that women not helping your own car. Women are not supporting the WNBA. It's women and kids that get tricked by their dads That's what it is. It's dads that go. Hey, we're going to a basket pro basketball game. Yeah kids like dad. You're the best Dad and then you get there and you're like jama ramp and you're like kind of well Jaleel jaleel malrant. Yeah, there's a there's a couple of jama rants out there Yeah, and then they go and then kids don't know the difference and kids are fucking stupid kids are fucking kids are fucking idiots, dude I have two of them So dumb wait, so

I've been gone just over a year. Uh-huh. Yeah, I know you've missed me, but what is la like Now speaking of which I try to run into you in new york when you were on your book Yes, tour two things one congrats. Thanks to no clue you could write Thanks No clue. Thank you Well, because literally when someone goes so great as a book and I was like who penned it Yeah, by the way, and they were like tom dead. I got asked that a lot They're like they're like who helped you write this and I'm like, uh, I wrote it and they're like no

You mean you wrote it and then people would go like they would go no, but like Like they could pull you aside someone write it for you No, it would say their name on there. Well, how many number how many how many numbers how many pages seven? Oh, that's fine. Yeah, that seems reasonable. Yeah, I'm jealous. I can't write it I could never write a book and what would I put in it? I didn't know what I was doing I also think that is a real easy read and I you could take it as a compliment or an insult when people I've been getting so many messages. They're like read it in one sitting. I'm like, it's a fucking It's 200 pages. They're like they're like I sat down and just was like

Yeah, that's 48 font that is huge every page is like 14 words. So you get through it No, I tried to see you in new york and I missed you Um, because who came who went saw did sal come and see you no arie went to your book signing He did he did the book event. Yeah speaking to your people in the dog. I went to go see his new special Isn't it good? Yeah. Yeah. I I saw him run it like two years ago. Yeah, and I was like, dude, this is a A really fascinating hour in that it's one topic. Yeah, and to make jokes that are in like it. I like that it's You're like when you're learning something, you know that you wouldn't know and laughing it's it's it's a really good formula Yeah, he called it jew. Yeah

Um, and I gotta be honest with you You know how I feel about jews. Yeah And I went and it I turned a new leaf. You really did. Yeah, you came in today. You were super nice to them I've never seen I've never seen that. I've never seen that. I my my body shook a little bit I've seen you walk out of rooms where you oh god. Oh, yeah, and then I have to go to one of our meetings. Yeah Yeah No, but it was so good man. It was such a fun night to watch to see that and It was good

But I couldn't make it to your things because I said how much I missed you But I have missed you a lot, but I know that you're thriving down in in texas even though You know You know, yeah, you know, yeah Texas texas I do I like it down there It is a beautiful little place, but we do miss you. Los angeles Has been struggling pretty heavily has it's been good. Is it good here? No, it's been bad. Do you want to leave? Yeah, pretty bad. I think we're gonna we're gonna get out of here

When will you leave? As soon as we can as soon as you can by the fall I think we're gonna we're gonna split some time by the fall and we bought We bought a little piece of land in In minneapolis, that's where you're moving Minnesota. Yeah, I'm moving. I didn't know you wanted to tell people Montana is where I'm Montana or Minneapolis both Montana Minneapolis. There's a place called Montana Minneapolis. It's a city in minneapolis Oh, really? It's a city inside of a city inside of a state And then you'll wow, do you know this is a city? I got a phone call from a number

You know one of these fucking scam numbers and the city is called truth or consequences. Look this up. Yeah, that's I have never heard of this Truth or consequences new mexico new mexico Truth or consequences new mexico gave me a call from a number I didn't recognize. Yeah, that's a fucking place Yeah, that's a real place. It also would be crazy to be like, that's where I'm from Right if like somebody was like, where are you from true truth? Okay, could you tell me where you're from? I'll take truth I'll take truth. I'll take truth. Please truth for a hundred alex. Oh my god

Uh scroll a little bit It was on it has frequently been noted on lists of unusual place names for having chosen to rename itself in march of 1950 After the truth or consequences radio show. That's what they fucking named it after it sounds like a comedians tour truth or consequences It sounds like one that has caution tape around his mouth and yeah You don't want me to say what I'm gonna say my god, I'm uh I remember

following guys like that like I On those like shows you do coming up when they're like, you know, you don't want me up there next Like wait, what and they're like, I don't fucking I don't care about nothing. I'll say whatever. There's always a victim to my jokes Hey guy like like makes himself any blacks in here tonight. You're like, oh shit. I gotta get home. Oh, yeah I'm like, oh what I can't joke about this God fried chicken guys. Here we go He's eating it on stage. He's eating fried chicken and then he gets off and he's like they're weak Shit audience shit people. I don't know how to take a fucking joke. Anyway

I'm getting a call right now from one of our producers probably can't get a hold of bobby Really? Oh, yeah, it's such a sad world. Yeah. No, we do miss you guys a lot. Honestly, you brought like a zhuzh You left burt here, which was kind of weird. I know He's so fast You could have you could have taken him that clip that they put up of him being like I'll never stop drinking. No, but that's like nobody thought you would Like who was like to one day he probably will

And now he's on that tour with everybody. He went out. He I saw him Thanks for the invite on the tour Bert. I really appreciate that man I saw him four weeks before the tour started. He's like You're about to see a new me and I was like when he goes when the tour starts I was like in a month. He goes. Yep. I'm gonna be fucking jacked I was like, all right. He is jacked and then he did uh, He did a cleanse for like five days Five day cleanse. Yeah, like a five or six day cleanse and then you know, he dropped some weight

He's like, I go, yeah, but that's not real weight loss. You just are not eating right now. It's water weight Yeah, and then he went back on tour and everything he's like That tour is that tour looks so fucking fun though. It does look fun him. It was it's it's a tell It's gillis taylor tomlinson Uh, big j big j and one more Um, I forgot who this is a couple other rotating people in it. Oh the people that come and go. Yeah, there's some that come and go Yeah, good for them, dude. That looks really fun. Yeah, it's pretty rad. Um, yeah Oh, nicky glazers on it. Yeah, fortune's doing some brian simpson love

chelsea lin love chelsea lin Norman's doing a couple dates. Yeah sour Oh, yeah, who's on the bottom there? Aaron weber. He's the fucking man. Do you know him? I don't know. He's the shit Aaron is um married to lucy from zany's nashville Okay. Oh, yeah, that's his wife. Yeah, and he's the fucking that dude is so fucking funny, man. He's awesome. He does the he's on um Bargatsy's show. Okay. I don't know if they're doing it together anymore, but Very funny guy dude. There's so many fucking funny people that are coming up on the ranks now that are like it's just

Comedy's getting stronger in that regard. Yeah, the other bullshit the political side of comedy Whatever the the wave of all that stuff is is Fucking trash, but the talent that's coming up is so fucking good lately. You know ron taylor. You know who that is The guy from the store. He's great. There's some guys that I've seen lately that are just ripping at the store too Yeah, just just like or and I see it online now too. It's so funny I see more online than I do live anymore because you're gone. You come and you go But man People's clips now because everyone's putting up clips. Remember how hard it was to get a tape and a clip

You know what I mean like 10 15 years ago. Yeah, so I was like, how do you get a tape? It's like god It's a fucking nightmare. I know pay a friend to come so many people have Like uh clips of their stuff up like the night after they do they have like a guy that's with them shooting Andrew Schultz is is shooting live as he's live streaming hits out fast. He puts his shit up It's like so fast. It's like he's saying the joke and it's on his instagram the moment. He does it He's the best at that. I'm the worst. I don't put anything out. I don't either. I've had a guy who You know, sometimes you just notice that I was posting photos from my tour. Yeah, and the same dude would go Post jokes. I don't want to like we want to see

You're supposed to be a comedian and he's like this. You're just posting a hype. I was like hype He was just photos your height dog and then the next day I would post something else. He's like we want jokes I was like, you don't run this account They do expect that to be the thing. Yeah, but that's why the new the new age is like Give me what exactly what I want out of your profile or I don't want to follow you anymore You're welcome to unfollow. Yeah, that's what it is now though. I'm just unfollow. I don't post I don't post jokes ever you've never posted joke. I've never seen you post a clip or a joke like that And I don't think I will unless I so feel inclined

Unless you decide that it's that it's what you want to transition to and I guess I shouldn't use that word around Christina When she she was born a man, yeah, yeah, but then we're talking 54 years ago, right 55 right? Yeah, but she's got she's full the surgery is full. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's good. It looks like a Like a penis that was tucked in. Yeah, but I mean it looks like a old one So it's kind of confusing. It's kind of nice, but she kept her balls for sure. Ah, they're back there She's built in such a way that You have to really look back there Yeah, it's pretty cool. Here. Let me show you something super rad

um I just in my mind. I just like Christina with balls is so funny to me Oh, it'd be great like on a special she has shorts on or something and she's Ball one nut hanging out each side of her shorts Uh horrible or hilarious Oh I mean Can I see the start again? Let me see who it is again. Can you see who it is? They could maybe not be alive

Yeah, but you know, maybe Oh two young guys Very funny Oh, yeah, they're dead one of them is dead one of them broke their neck. Yeah without a doubt But it's uh, it's it's worth the clip. It's pretty funny. Yeah, you gotta post it Imagine they both die in the butt and the kids like I gotta put this up on my gram I shot it. I shot his parents are like, could you not? No, he's like, I have to the hits are rolling in This is tiktokable for sure millions of hits and you just do a remix of this on tiktok with whatever new song is trending right now

I think that's very uh-oh Oh Whoa, and then he's like, oh, I gotta get out of here man For those of you listening this truck comes flying by This is um, I don't know. It's not chicago, but I don't know what city it is. Um, Taipei And and like the truck gets lifted and there's a guy that happens to be standing Just on the side. Yep of the road mining his own business And he almost gets it. Oh his life almost ends. He's so close

Just come right near the end of his life and then this guy in the truck was like, fuck. We almost killed him Yeah, and then the guy's like, I'm out of here. Fuck this I gotta go. I got that meeting. It's just like how he was like he if he had been standing A foot this way then the front of the truck just mashes him into the wall, you know, my god What did it by the way? What what what did it hit? What did the truck hit that moved it like I feel like something Yeah hit it overpass or tree pulled it. Yeah. How fucking strong is that tree? The tree's got fucking limbs dog You know when you know when you said you don't know where this is? Yeah There's a guy online

Who who does this like geo mapping game where he'll he'll it'll show you a photo and you guess where it is and it's within a Certain square mile radius. Have you seen this before? No, but I've seen a news thing about this One of the saddest things I ever saw actually it reminds me of Man, it was it was so horrible. It was uh, it was This is true. This is actually very true in Africa. There was um, there's a I guess there's Some war or fighting between Cameroon and a neighboring country And there was video of these soldiers walking These people to execute them. Uh, and then they said like no this what like when people said you're

Executing people in this part of the work in this part and they all were like no, no That's not what this is And then geo mappers the new york times did this profile was unbelievable Showed the video and then it would pause it and like show the range of the mountains and then And then light it up with the real mountain range and then they kept doing it throughout the video So they were The video was eventually used to as evidence as evidence and these guys had went ended up going to prison Fuck that's insane. It was wild. These people like in geo map. It's crazy

There was a couple of dudes that do it and they're like they're aren't they set a timer of how they do it that fast It's creepy how fast they are Like it'll tell you use like google earth or yeah google earth and they pinpoint it and then It zooms in and it shows you within like one this one dude. I saw was it within like 20 miles every What's the account because that sounds cool to me? I don't remember he nadobs got a nadobs got a fucking fast finger it But I saw it the other day. I saw it the other day and I was like geo map it's like it's like it's like it's like um

G like Like geo map racing like they do it. They time themselves to see who can do it the fastest Geo, all right, and then like I don't know where I maybe I saw it on tiktok. Is that it? That's geo ranking. I think um, no, there's a guy. There's a dude. I think it might have been on tiktok where I saw geo map racing You know, I mean Let's see

I don't know. He was so honestly that's so like it was so impressive what he would do Like he would keep the way tiktok is just a wealth of beauty by the way Well, if you find it again, send it to me. Yeah, I like that. Yeah stuff Um, there's so much good stuff on that fucking site tiktok is so funny. It's such a great waste of space I love it. This one is so I know she's obsessed. Yeah In a good way. I think do you ever not? Yeah, yeah

Oh That's that hurts that hurts I love accidents during burnouts because I just think burnouts are you're begging for something to go wrong Yeah, I mean the ones that are on the street. Yeah, and then a person's staying there with their phone Love it. Love watching a guy get hit. Oh my god. So funny. Who do you think you are? Yeah, there's like there's like five people on earth that know how to like drift and burn Accurate. Yeah, do you know what I mean? I know what's that guy's name? Um He's like the best

I don't know There's like one dude that's like the fucking guy for red bull car review guys are pretty rad at it Those guys are good chris harris and why don't what's jim kana? Why do I why does jim kana come to my mind? Look at jim kana? There's a dude that's so fucking good I can't remember his name But he does red bull ones and he can park in between two cars and shit like it's it's insane how good his burnouts are Really? Yes, but but anybody else that's doing street shit. Yeah, bro. You're getting fucked Yeah, you should run for your life if you see this happening never doing that if I ever saw this like in a parking lot

I'm going in the opposite direction. I'm not gonna be like. Oh, what's going on over here? I leave I leave Yeah, you're gonna lose your fucking limbs, man By an inch Could have been this is great though. You just have a nice day at the skate park and this guy shows up He's like you guys want to see some shit? We're just trying to kick flip off that box and again, you got to be like you go you do it over there over there Go that way with the dirt bike. Yeah. Did you ever own a bike? Like a dirt bike? No, no, you did in college. Really? Yeah, we crashed at oh at asu. Yeah, it was bad

It was really really bad. The crash was bad. One of my friends got hurt very very bad. Yeah. Yeah, he's okay Oh, he's okay now. Yeah, we were drunk on dirt bikes and were you on public streets? No, no, we were we didn't take it on a roll. We were in a pot. We were in like a in like a field in like a park It was like a public park. How fucked up did he get pretty bad went to the ER pretty bad Broken bones broke a lot of bones. Yeah, just knocked out some teeth Shit, did you guys have one or multiple? No, no, we had one a friend. It wasn't it was like a friend Let let us all use his bike and he was reckless as fuck. It was great. I think I also had like real intimidation factor for

For bikes, you know, you're scared of him. Yeah, but I mean I remember growing up I had a friend's mother Had these like horrific like a summertime you go to the pool He's horrific scars. I was like, how'd you get those? She was like, oh motorcycle And like that was really young and I was like, oh, you know, and then I didn't actually Get on a motorcycle and drive one until A year and a half two years ago. They're so fun and it was fun. Um, but I you know

I was like, oh, I I need some practice at this It was when someone's like, oh, you're gonna put it down or you're gonna get hurt and die Yeah, I'm always like, but it's so fun. It's kind of worth it It's like our love my love for speed for cars like you love that. Yeah, it's almost like if I ain't dying and I die Yeah, it's kind of fun. It's just so did you have you bought any new toys by the way? Yeah, there's a little papa tom of new toys. He doesn't want to tell anybody about is that your toy outside Did you buy that one? Yeah. Yeah. Good boy Good boy. You should you should you need to have something for you

You got to have something fun when you're when you're when you're touring too much It's like you kind of go you tour a fuck doing yeah Like how many dates do you have coming? Are you doing it's endless? Yeah, you just did you said fill me up Fill me up daddy when you called your age and go fill me up daddy. I did is that what you say to them? Yeah, fill me up daddy. Do you let your boys call you daddy? Uh, they don't say that What do they say they say dad? No, they say dad. They never said daddy I mean, I

I feel like they almost get out of it on their own like they say that that like when they're like really small and then Most of the time I think if they're pleading they might say it, you know daddy that like, you know, I need something Please please daddy, but most of the time like else is just like dad And or he'll be like tom because he calls me tom. You have cavemen as children. He's he has like a dad Yeah, dad tom break food. Hey tom. What do they call her? Well, you're home tom Um, they call her Mommy mom. Yeah, mommy mom. Yeah, both they go. I'm trying to think because julian won't um

I think he says daddy sometimes a lot of times he goes. I hate you That's real first thing. Yeah, that's real love or that my favorite is because this is also love. I go I love you and they go. I know I'm like, how do you know that you say it all the time like super they're right though They do know I don't need to hear it anymore. My parents almost never said I love you Really never is that like you have you don't have kids. No, but it's so weird when you hear those Stories and you have kids and you go like, how can you not say it to your kid? You know, I mean like if you have a kid, I bet you're gonna say I love you like crazy a lot. Yeah

Yeah, no, she I tease my parents did it was just like it was a but it was different ours was like Like, you know when you see like a touchy-feely family Yeah, and it yucks me out. Yeah, sometimes they're because we were never a touchy-feely family. Yeah, we give a hug goodbye Yeah, but but also If we didn't it'd be okay too. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's not like you've got to give me a hug and a kiss goodbye Yeah, and I would go over to a friend's house and you'd see it and you'd be like, what's the fuck is that about? Like if you ever had a friend We're like, you know, you kiss someone wants to kiss on the cheek. Yeah

I've had friends moms where they make you kiss them on the mouth. What? Oh, yeah, dude I do recently not even now really There's a friend of ours who Tom Brady's though. I kiss I kiss her on the mouth the mother It's no she's a friend. Well She's a friend of ours Like the couple is a husband and wife friend of ours and they're a little bit older than us But when I say goodbye, she kisses me on the mouth. Isn't that strange to you? It's strange when she grabs my dick when she does it. Yeah, but otherwise it's fine. How hard does she grab it?

It's just a brush. Oh, okay. It's like a little it's like a little it's kind of like saying you count too You know you matter I would kiss you if I could yeah, but she gives me a kiss on the mouth I did remember throws me man. I don't know what I don't know how to feel. Do you feel like um, there's like almost like a high society type of model let's say you'll we think of like high-end modeling I feel like that's all like kiss on the mouth kiss on the mouth because it comes from incestual stuff I don't know why it's like in that world a big thing like like literally fashion. Yeah, but um, I remember like going out with

Not even like dating but going out with a group and the The girls were all like like basically almost like goodbye darling And like would all mouth kiss and you're like the fuck is happening right now You know like three women like kissing you on the lips and you're like, um, but that was how they kissed everybody goodbye Were they foreign? No, because you have an excuse if you're not from this country. Yeah, that's true Like you know your mom your mom is your mom's from third world or she's in Peru Yes, right now and what when they say goodbye, they put a thumb in your butt

Well, you put it in the person's butt that you're saying goodbye to right that makes sense right and then you have to go like You go like that. So you go Yeah, and that's like I love you That's I love you. That's I love you Yeah, I mean I look every culture is different. Yeah Yeah, no the kiss goodbye thing is always a little it threw me for a loop Because I kissed her on the cheek when I would hug she would do the thing like lean into and I was like Oh, she wants a kiss on the cheek and then I would but then she would face me and kiss me on the mouth

What do I do? What do you say you don't say you just do I know I I have to say that the first one Who did it? This is years ago, but she went I was kind of like oh like I almost went like So I could I like almost felt bad like you probably don't want to do that You I don't want to I mean that's the same thing like does she kiss you goodbye when you like say you say you're going out Does she want to kiss goodbye? um, I would say Yes, but almost like you said like it You know, I think when you have kids things kind of changed too because maybe she's like I'm late

I gotta I'll see you guys later like you're out if we're in the proximity of each other. Yeah, probably Yeah, see for me. It's always like I'll be right back Yeah, it's like like this to come to here. Yeah, all right. Bye. Give me. It's like I'll be right. Yeah. Yeah. No in in Yeah, I feel like a little outing like that. Yeah It's like I'll be back and then she said one time. Well, what if you don't come back? Jesus. It's heavy And I said, well, then you get the house. Yeah It's like what the fuck that's a good thing. That is a good thing Yeah, then you don't have to have me in your memory as the last thing you did was kiss me

You could also really up that life insurance. She just did. Yeah. Yeah 17 million. I think or something like that That's a lot of money. I know I thought about why she did that. There's so much on me so much And then if Christina dies I get like a fucking weekend at the will turn money. I'm like, hey How about we up this a little bit? I Get one show at the will turn. I don't fucking that's not gonna cover a lot. Not it. No, it's not gonna fucking do it Yeah, she probably wants me. I don't even gotta tell her the policy. I'm like, Jesus Christ. This is so much money You hear those stories all the time about like a

The the plotting of killing their significant other once the insurance money is finished It they're so sloppy. They waited. It's so sloppy. My favorite detail is like I saw one of these about A murder on one of these shows and they go The like the the guy like the woman planned it, you know, and the guy died And then the day he died, she was like, what's up with like she called the insurance company. Like, how do I collect this? They're like, he's just died today. She's like, I know but I'm very sad to pay for it. Can you send it? And they're like, this is suspicious. I'm miserable, but I like to grieve financially. So just send it over to me Oh my god, you'd be lost without her and you know what? Yeah, you'd be nowhere

Yeah, you'd give up the kids for sure if she was gone. You just leave them where they are Yeah, that's why we need we need to up that policy so I can hire somebody I wonder if I can hire someone. Yeah, you should okay question for you. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I'm uh, Obviously, I love videos and clips and we try to you know, yeah, so tell me if you think Because I I sent the boys this one It's on this other screen and they I go I want this on the show and they go we can't play this on youtube And I was like bullshit

And he was like you can't so I was like, all right. Let's show Santino Yeah, and let him weigh in on whether it's youtube friendly or not. Sure. Okay Get down Put your hands up pussy. Get down. Put your fucking hands up pussy. Put the fucking gun down and scrap like a man, bitch Scrap like a man, bitch Shirt off Bert. Yeah, pull the Bert Dude, what did you think was gonna fucking happen that guy's like right right in front of you too Also, lucky it didn't hit something vital and I have because he shot down he could have shot

He was that pointed at his face. Yeah, I think that's youtube-able. I think so too now that they're owned by google What's the uh, and their leniency has gone through the roof. What's your what's your like? Angle on why it's not youtube friendly Uh, because it's an attempted murder. Oh, is it though? You don't know his intentions Intentions mean everything. What was the intent his intent was to scare him His intent was also to just diffuse diffuse the problem. Yeah. Yeah, where do you think he shot him? In the dick Maybe like maybe it was gonna look like in the thigh groin thigh. Let's see. Let's check it out again stomach

Zola thought kneecap Ah, let's go. I it looks like a scroll a little bit Yeah, go there this guy should take dude. This guy's got fucking balls Fighting a guy with a gun Now he shoots him in like the hip of the leg. Yeah Very cool Yeah, okay, right Oh, yeah, it could be the thigh even

Yeah, right could be the thigh. Can I tell you how good I am a geo geo mapping? Yeah, I know this is arizona You do 100% really? I went to school out here. I know I know that bush and I know those kind of trees Does it say by the way, let's see right now. Does it say in the In this story they're like, you know in that video description. Does it say where it is or any of those comments? I bet my life. It's arizona Because this kind of stuff someone's gonna someone's gonna say where it is though That's so fucking this has got to be gilbert or Glendale even

Maybe even mesa maybe even like east mesa I'm telling you if you can find out the news of that that that looks so arizona And that situation is very an arizona situation. Yeah the amount of times of like Brofights of like he's got a gun. It's like let's fuck him up. You're like what you're gonna fight the guy who's got a fucking weapon Okay, go go for it. Go man We knew a guy In college he used to bring a gun out with him A wild boy. Really? Yeah, sweet dude

But he was just like loved having a gun on him. I know a couple hickory boys that would do that It's crazy and there was one guy who was uh Slanging that stuff And he shot himself in the leg. That's even fun. That's what you get. That's even funnier. Yeah, you gotta shoot yourself sometimes Yeah, that's pretty cool. Um, so your vote is youtube friendly though I think it is. Yeah, and then the other one shakes it off Because uh, okay, tell me about this one. This is memorial weekend this year

right This is uh Oh His firework went off in his hand Oh, wow He needs to go out of the ER though Right, where did you find this? Is this faces of death? No, he's like isn't he like like impressively He's so chill. Yeah, he's like check it out. Uh fucking handgun

I guess I got to finish this mickle up ultra before I bleed out That's in stood that's that is fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah, you know who did that jpp Yeah, that's right. The exact same thing happened to him. He blew his fucking hand off on the 4th of july Was able to return to the NFL and be a playmaker. It just shows that you don't need hands to be in the Well, in his position, you know, you need you need you just you need nubs strong nubs. He's got one strong He has I think what two fingers on one hand. I think it's two. Yeah, I think it's two fingers. By the way, uh, he uh I'm gonna talk some shit. He ditched us on a fucking interview. We had an interview set up with him and he fucking ditched us Really do that. Look him up. Look up. Look up his hand jason jason pierre paul pierre paul hand

Yeah, I was doing the sport show. We were interviewing a bunch of athletes and he fucked us off Let's see what it looks like. It's a bummer This is from There it is. Yeah, that's a good photo and that that's so he's got ring finger Pinky thumb kind of a thumb. Yeah He's missing index and middle He make that larger and that's from holding a firework same thing. Yeah, he was fucking around with a firework Yikes

Yeah, damn That guy makes plays in the nfo. Yeah, he's so good. Yeah I mean, dude, why? Also of all these years of firework stuff. Don't we know Like don't you know you know we by the way, I definitely could have been dead or maimed I should have been dead a hundred times, uh, especially from those, um What are they called? They're like, it's like considered a mini stick of dynamite. M80s. Yeah. M80s. Yeah, you're dead And we would you know, I just remember going out these go. I've got an m80. He's go out in this field

Like near the neighborhood And you're like standing right there. Like I think we should get back I can stand back. It'll be fine. I can Screw this thing to piece. I mean we were like shrapnel in your eyeballs. Holy shit. I should have died a couple hundred times A bunch of different ways. I used to fly on single engine sessions with my buddy from college. Really? Yeah insane We flew to San Diego from phoenix should have died And he was a pilot. Yeah, was he trained? I mean he was a going through training school. Yeah

He was at embryo riddle going to flight school. Yeah, we're it's insane, dude Was did it get harry like the flight? Oh, yeah, really? Oh, yeah all the time Well, what what would happen? I mean, dude, you would on the on the takeoff even you would feel it shift Like sideways and stuff like that and then a lot of times those those are usually like instrument or pilot failure You know like they fuck up. Yeah But a lot of times like uh, we'd be going through some Sketch sketchy sketchy winds and that thing is just you have to like level that is that is the crew So I took a few flying lessons and the one that I took in Santa Monica

We went up in a Cessna like a single engine Cessna And what I was so like flying around you're like, okay the approach to land It's like a gust of wind came and the plane went Like yeah, and I was like So dangerous. I mean it felt like you feel like you're a paper plane. Yep in this guy and you're like, oh Shit, we used to do that all the time He made his brother almost throw up because he was doing zero gravity drops where you just dropped down and yeah, and then uh Yeah, I can't I did that. I can't believe I ever did that shit. I fucking

I rode in the back of a pickup truck from uh, Mexico into south padre island, texas Maramoros from Mexico to texas we jumped in the back of a fucking pickup truck And this guy was going like one ten over the bridge I should be dead dude. I should be dead a hundred times over There was no room in the cab and I was like, oh, it's getting a bed. You're just hammered hammered sunburn sunburn sunburn Yeah, it's just so dumb. God going to Mexico to get drugs. It was like, what are we? You know, I should have been dead a hundred thousand times

Yeah, yeah, but yet here I am telling you man, kratom. You got to get on it That's the secret. I gotta get kratom and get jacked. I'm I'm Huge man. The one thing I can't do is kettle bells because I look dumb when I do them I think we all do. Yeah, it's just something. Can we make those not look so stupid? We look so stupid when you do them Yeah, like the flip wrist the jerks and all that stuff. Yeah, I just don't like when I see people doing them at the gym I'm always like, you know, you're a fucking idiot. Do a regular weight. You fucking idiot Stupid asshole. Although I use bands more now I'ma get the fucking to workout bands. Yeah, he swears by bands. He does. Yeah, he loves bands. He's a freak

I mean, yeah, that's one of the superior humans where they just made him better than ever. I talked to a one of his former teammates And we're talking about like freak athlete stuff and he was like dude Because he would just like basically strip down and then work out like in shorts so that everybody could see like how fucking shredded He was yeah It's funny to watch them do normal things better than everybody They just do can do normal shit better than you like what? It's just like like we're out

Well, even we're out in fucking hawaii and I played in this golf tournament with oh you play with like the chiefs Pat Mahomes and yeah travis and like We were out six or seven hundred yards out into the middle of the fucking ocean and you can see to the bottom And this instructor this guy was incredible He was like i'm gonna dive down and see if I can shoot the gun at a couple of mahi mahi and we can get sashimi at Shore and I was like what and he would dive to the bottom and i'm not exaggerating two Solid fucking minutes two full minutes hold his breath and just wait on the bottom of the ocean To see if any fish would come out and then he was like oh there's a shark in this cave

And I was like wait seriously. He's like yeah, yeah, but it's these are it's a pretty docile shark I've seen I've here every day and I was like okay And he goes i'm gonna dive down make it come out and I was like no just leave it Don't make it come out and he's like no no no check this out and I was like fuck this what the fuck He dives down He entices the shark it comes out swims right around him. He like looks up at us and it goes right back into the fucking cave Well, there's all these like coral these huge beautiful coral chunks And he's like you can swim under the coral chunk if you can hold your breath long enough and come back up

And I was like no fucking way not doing that shit Yeah, those guys fucking all of them did it all of them did it didn't even think about it They're I mean because they're they're young athletes. They're like I can go down and do that I was like you have no experience swimming It had been 15 feet down to get under the coral and then come all the way back up I was like no, I'm not like no problem. No problem Without even skipping a beat pad all those guys just came right back down and I'm I'm bitched out I'm like if it was five feet, I might have thought about it. It was too far. I was like the shark is there

Why would I go down there? Fuck that no way, but those dudes you you forget you're like, oh, they're athletes Yeah, they're like anything is possible world-class too. Yeah anything literally they could do anything at all and it's like Oh, yeah, that worked. Yeah They're just built better their brains are their confidence level is so much higher than you could ever dream Like it's just it's they they go I want this to happen and it does And you're like, oh, you're better than me. You have that. Um, they have those god loves you d1 frames, too You're just like wow, you're just like it's everything you are but you're like, oh, it's a step Bigger and better your back is a shape. Yeah

Your back is a an actual shape. It looks like a fucking geometric shape. Yeah, and I have skin on bones Yeah God just draped skin on my body. But you want to know the truth? Huh? They're fucking boring, man They're fucking boring. Fuck them all adults. Yeah, you sit in the What'd you do? Uh, we lifted. Yeah, you're fucking boring Yeah, we're better than you guys. Yeah, I ran my routes You know, I've been thinking about it by the way, but I think the gun video is youtube friendly. It is right. Yeah. Yeah, I think we should put it up

Maybe the fireworks not so much Because there's a little it's kind of gory It's a little fucking repulsive when his hands are is gone. It's a little fucking repulsive Coming out of this. It looks like he's doing this. It looks like he's like fucking Just drink up dawg Every year we'd go to lake havasu at at arizona state people would go down there and every year someone dies or something Fucked and like this this happens every year Either someone like falls off a rock and kills themself or a boat

They like it they drown under a boat or something. This has to be the most panic time for a parent It's when you have a boy and he's between like 15 and 22 You're like every day. You're like, what kind of dumb call am I gonna get Today about some shit this kid did because that's when you're just fucking retarded and you're just trying it You're just you're like, I'm gonna try it. Whatever it is. I'm gonna drink it eat it smoke it try it I thought that if I left leapt off this parking garage, I would just land what was really gonna happen to me So crazy. We used to we used to climb trees in arizona to pick oranges. Yeah, and fall out of them often Yeah, no big deal. Just get back up. Well, that's what I was just commenting because I just saw the um

The last jackass movie jackass forever. Oh my god. It was so funny but one of the things I noticed during it as you're watching it and there's um There are these uh new cast members and they're much younger Yeah, and you just the way how they would like fall just bounce up and you're like, oh, that's someone who's like Like he would like Fucking launch out of a thing hit the ground go group and then stand up and he'd be like, that was crazy You're like that's different than yeah, 47. Those are those are well. They're still malleable. Yeah, they really are Yeah, you know, it was it's wild to watch them

As older as they've gotten get hurt because I feel worse for them knowing that like Knoxville's, you know, fucking cash. I heard that that that um That last stunt. Yeah has like some lasting effect. I don't you know, I don't know him personally Well, he broke his penis the like the like the last movie He literally broke his penis because urethra was severed or something this last one though that bull flips him and he's Really fucking knocked out. Oh, yeah, and that was a major concussion. Yeah, but again, you know You do what you love. Yeah, you do

I really hope he doesn't do some shit like that again No, I think it's I think this is the last I think this has to be the last year you're 50 You know, what happened today? I got hit by a bull that I was taunting in a top hat Yeah, I mean his career started in those big brother tape. I mean, he got shot in the chat. He took a bullet to the chest Really? Have you never seen that? I don't think so the original like big brother Like audition tape slash first video or something. I'm gonna fuck it up But the original first one was him wearing a bulletproof vest and getting shot in in the chest with a fucking with a gun And they were so scared the the I think it's on the

Documentary somewhere, but you can look it up on youtube But johnny talks about how they were all like, why are we doing this? I feel like if I would have been that guy like if I had done that they'd been like, oh this vest had a malfunction Yeah, yeah, I would definitely that's the beginning in the end of tom. Yeah. Yeah, he got shot in the chest and then And then they also that's when he started tasing and pepper spraying and they did all that stuff years and years and years God really? I mean, he's been doing that for like 40 years. It's crazy. It's 30 years Yeah, I feel like I was in college and they were he was on television doing this

well because band margeron those guys were doing that shit too at They had a that the video called cky. Do you know what that is? Yeah, his brother had a band called camp kill yourself and then they named a series These vhs tapes called cky and they were fucking amazing and it was them just them and a bunch of fucking around them in a bunch of Fucking pennsylvania dudes fucking philly like what are they not philly? Where are they from? They're from like uh, they're from like the sticks, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, and they'd be fucking doing dumb crazy shit Oh shit, bro. Fucking dude. Watch it, bro. Yeah, it's on it's on it's fucking on dude light it on fire, dude Don't be a fucking puss, bro. Yeah

And they they would do insane jump off a fucking roofs and shit. It made me want to do all that Yeah, it made me want to jump off of stuff. Yeah, that's that's I know it's only us guys that are wired like that. Yeah women are like look at all fucking dumb that is Why would you do that? Like it's funny to watch you get hurt, but I don't want to do it All right, we got to wrap it up Thank you so much for coming today. It's good to see you, babe. It's good to see you too. Um, good. Just you want to say anything? All right, that's that Um, yeah, man. Love you. Love you buddy. Good to see you

Spring a little bit because my woman is sleeping. These are three-day warm panties Immersion achieved Immersion achieved Immersion achieved This is giving me a boner This is giving me a boner I Let's give it a

Kiss direction achieved direction fucked and cheated this is gonna be a boner this is gonna be a boner did you like that full episode of your mom's house? are your jeans as high and tight as they can be? without it watch some more clips dude look at that one watch that one right here or maybe here maybe here maybe you should subscribe that way every time a new video gets posted you'll be notified stay in the know jeans subscribe now