Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 668 - Greg Garcia - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 10, 2022

WE'RE BACK! YMH Live 8! With musical guest Danny Brown, special guest Tim Dillon and a TON of YMH Originals! Get your tickets at https://livestream.ymhstudios.com Welcome back to the Mommy Dome and we start off with a fan made banger about Orlando Brown's wanting to tickle you. We open with a cool guy who messes around with some officers of the court and finds out real fast why thats a bad idea and Tom talks about his recent wild dinner with Bert Kreischer.Then we welcome Greg Garcia (writer/producer of "My Name Is Earl") who's worked with the mommies in the past and is about to launch his new show on Freevee "Sprung." They talk about how awesome Joey Diaz is, look at the COOLEST bra salesman and see a neighbor getting in huge trouble over defending himself against a chicken. Greg and the mommies talk about the project they worked on and how Greg went on the Margaritaville Cruise for research. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

Guys, YMH is back, this is YMH Live 8 and the tickets are on sale right now. We have not been doing these for a while so we had to come back bigger and better than ever and we have, we have musical guest Danny Brown, special guest Tim Dillon. We created original content just for this episode, spent major dough shooting major productions just to make this the most special one yet. Plus, of course, there's a crazy heavy segment and a lot more and there's a VIP pre-show hosted by our very own Josh Potter. If you can't watch live, don't worry, you can watch the show for over a week after it

airs live. So get your ticket now and it'll take care of you for the whole next week plus. Livestream.ymhstudios.com, get your tickets right now and enjoy the show. I wish I could be a parent and be fully rested. You know what I mean? Not... Oh, you want it to be a dad. Oh, that's it.

Oh, you wanted... 100%. Yeah. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Hey, D to the I to the A to the M on your... Hey, D to the I to the M on your... Hey, D to the I to the M on your...

Let's just keep going. Let's glass. Let's glass. I'm glassing. I'm like, holy smokes. I wish I would have let it tickle my pussy with that. Right? That was cool.

I haven't thought about that song in a really long time. In a really long time. And he used to have that silly ring on his finger. Yeah, it was like a fingertip. What a clock. Yeah. Which is not good to have in your pussy. And he was like...

Yeah, pussy. Who was it again? He was well known. Orlando Brown, I said. Wow, look at that memory. Like Disney Channel guy. Okay. What?

That's him. Yeah. Wow. Right? Is that him? Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

Right? Is that him? Yeah. Yeah, that's him. Dang. Uh-huh. He was on the Disney Channel? Yeah.

You kind of messed him up, I think. Kind of. A little bit, you know? Yeah, it's a little off-brand. Yeah, he's kind of... To do diamonds in your pussy. Yeah. Oh, he's doing all right.

Shit. Yeah, he was talking that... He was talking that... Talking that video. Dang. Yeah. Pretty cool. Good memories.

Yeah. You know, it's funny. She was just nominated for an Emmy. Yes. For her comedy writing and her special. And I was thinking to myself, why aren't I Emmy nominated? Uh-huh. And it's probably because we open our show with diamonds in the crevice of your pussy.

Oh. My whole career is like fart, pussy, dick. Yeah. I... Non-binary areas are silly. Like, yes, I'm making choices. You're making choices. Yeah.

But you know what? What? Pretty happy with those choices. Good choices. Yeah. That's who I am. And you never know, there might be an Emmy around the corner. I doubt it.

You never know. I say stupid things too much. I'm stupid. That's my problem. This is your inner dialogue? Yeah. I'm stupid? Well, no, just that I'm not wise with my...

Like, you're very good about controlling what comes out of your mouth. I don't know. I just don't have a filter. It's the problem of mine, I don't think. Like, you guys, people don't know this, but sometimes I say things on the show and then the job and everybody goes, yeah, you don't want... You want to edit that out. And like...

I mean, I feel like that happens in life. Like, a lot of times I'll be like, hey, you can't... You need to go back and say something to that person. Me or you? I say that to you. I need to go back and correct whatever impression I've left. Yeah. Yeah.

Sure. Yeah. Like, I'm stupid. Yeah. Women are fucking stupid. Yeah. No, I just don't have tact, I think, is my flaw. I'm just not...

I'm not very good with societal. Yeah. But you know what? Hey, good thing I found comedy. Comedy is good. Where I get rewarded for being a dope. Not everybody has the same skill set or approach to life also. Everybody approaches life differently.

Yeah. Like, with how they navigate, you know, socializing. For instance... What's your first and last name? I don't have a last name. You don't have a last name? No. What's your first name?

I don't have a first name either. I've got a name. My name is Robert. You can call me Robert. I'm not a person. See, you deal here with Admiralty Maritime Jurisdiction with deals with persons. Which I am not. Oh.

What are you? I'm a man. You're human? I'm a man, yes. Are you a U.S. citizen? No. You're not a U.S. citizen? I was not born in Washington, D.C. or any territory of the federal, under federal jurisdiction.

So no, I'm not a U.S. citizen. What are you born in the United States? I was born in America. Yes, I'm a state citizen of one of the several states. Oh. Make sense. Don't bring anyone up in there. He's different.

Different. He speaks to people differently. Welcome to your mom's house. Meow, meow, meow. With Don Sikora, Tom Sikora and Christina Pajitsky, Kristina Pajitsky. Welcome to your mom's house. Meow, meow. Meow, meow.

Meow, meow. Meow, meow. Meow, meow. Meow, meow. Meow, meow. Meow, meow. Meow, meow. Meow, meow.

I think it's hard. I didn't see you play it a lot. Oh. Hey. That was cool. I felt it. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, so pretty cool guy. Yeah. I don't have a first name. I don't have a last name. He's a man. He's not a person. Man. I was not born in the United States.

I was born in America in one of the states, though. Okay. So it would not part of the federally united states. Yeah. I mean, it's just like. It's a lot of logic. It's cool vibes. It's like it's a way to be like, oh, I'm here to kind of go with the flow.

You know? One of these guys is doing their own thing. I'm not here to cause any problems. No. It's just doing his thing and stuff like that. There's more than seven. One of the several. Which state?

Idaho. Idaho. Can I see your Idaho state license? No. I don't have one. You don't have one? My person does, but I don't. And I don't wish to create a jointer with you.

All right. God, it's so annoying. It's just like being an asshole, you know? Yeah. Like, you know the definitions retard. Yeah. And you also. Stop being this guy.

You know that like this is actually the guy he's dealing with. He has a really agreeable attitude. The guy's just doing his job and you're just being like, nope. Not a human. No. I mean, you're just being a dick. Just being a jerk face. Yeah.

Everybody's, you've probably been in situations where you go into, you know, whatever the DMV or you're at an airport. Every once in a while you see this kind of interaction. You see someone you're like, the fuck is this person doing? And they're just being a dick. Yeah. They're taking it out on the wrong guy. Yeah.

Because this guy is super nice. He didn't ask for this shit. You think he wants to deal with you? Now this is a higher level of. He's in the courtroom. Right. But I'm saying this is a higher level of disagree. It's not like, he's not like, you know, no, I'm here because I'm out.

I had something to do this morning. Like that kind of thing where someone's like, oh, this person's like agitated. Right? He's giving actual nonsensical answers. Well, he's, he's attacking the very foundation of the interaction. Like first name and last name. Like he's being a dick right off the bat. Yeah.

Like not even. Then he said, I don't have the ID, but like my person does. Oh, so now he's distinguishing between a person and he's a man. And then this guy's got all kinds of beefs with the world. I don't know what's going on. I'm going to go in and speak with the prosecutor. Oh, no, you're not. Excuse me.

Excuse me. You're blocking my freedom of movement. I am. All right. Well, Pete Barnes, you just admitted to me that you're violating my rights. No, I'm not. You can't come in with the camera. Well, you're violating my rights.

And this is also freedom of the press. This is also freedom of the press. I mean, I don't know what the hell law book you're reading, man, but it doesn't apply to me. You leave the camera with your mother outside the courtroom and you can come in. With your mother. It's cold. It's good.

Yeah. I mean, he's like, you're not going to fucking punk me, kid. Yeah, he's like, get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. You know, you don't want the law involved in your life. Yeah. You know, once you start getting those strikes against you, getting arrested, getting the law involved.

You think this is his first run in with the law? No, but it's not a good thing to do. He wants to go talk to the prosecutor. Oh, shit. You're not God. You have no jurisdiction over me. God's not worried about cameras, sir. All right.

Well, why are you worried about cameras? Because you want to do something wrong? Because if it's against the rules, that means it's because somebody intends on wronging somebody else because they're afraid of being held accountable. P-barns. That was good, too. Nice speech. This guy's seen all kinds of shit in his life.

He's like, dude, listen to me. I did two tours in Afghanistan. I know. Now I'm doing this shit. Now I got to listen to your dumb ass. Give me a speech about God and cameras. I wonder if this will escalate or not. Well, I mean, I don't have to go in because you can't even issue a warrant for me.

Well, no, I'm going to go in there and I'm going to speak with a prosecutor. You can go in there without the camera. Well, please step aside. I'm going in. No, you're not going in. Don't touch me. You're not going in, sir. But the record shows that you just battered me.

And you're using... Oh! Oh! That's what's up. Stop, please. I'm not doing anything wrong. Hey, you know what? You guys are really overstepping your bounds right now.

Put the cuffs on. What are you arresting me for? I mean, that seems right. That was awesome. Yeah. I haven't seen a stun gun in a while. I thought we stopped using those in the 90s. The Taser?

Yeah, didn't the Taser go out of style with the LAPD? We still use them. Sometimes they forget which one to pull out, but it's still around. What a great tool the Taser is. It's fantastic. You don't want to shoot the guy. You don't want to touch the guy. Yeah.

But Tasing the guy? Perfect solution. I mean, if he's white. Tase him. Talk to him afterwards. You're misbehaving. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, because I remember stories of LAPD Tasing people on PCP, but they were like super human strength so that Taser wouldn't have any effect. That was pretty fun. Yeah, it has zero effect on people who are dusted up. Dusted up? Yeah, they really doesn't. Oh, my God. They'll have like 10 cops on them and the guy will be like, ah.

Can you imagine what it feels like to be Tased? It's got to be terrible. Oh, yeah. I mean, everybody, that is true that if you are law and force, but you get Tased, you do get it. To feel what it's like. Yeah, you get it. And I've talked to people, they're like, it's so fucking terrible.

It's got to be. But it also makes you think, what does it feel like to be just dusted up on a bunch of PCP? How does it feel for eight men trying to hold you down? You're like, no. And they're like, what's going on inside of you? It's probably pretty cool, actually. It's got to be the best. You're super human.

You're a super human. Yeah. And shit, like I've been like shocked. Like, you know, you accidentally touch something. Can you imagine that current running through your entire... Yeah. And then you know what happens with a lot of people that get Tased, right? Is they get hurt on the fall.

Oh, sure. Because that Tase, you know, locks you up and then you just fall and like hit your head on the cabinet. All your teeth gone. You're like, well, we Tased them, but you know, he died because his head hit the wall. And I'm sure the police pay for that damage. Yeah. They're like, we're very, very sorry about it.

Very, very sorry. I don't know why I'm thinking about this, but did you know when somebody gets murdered in your house or something? Yeah. Like a murder happens and it's on your property that you have to pay to clean it up. Like you have to... I've heard this. You have to find a human waste service to come and sterile clean your murder scene.

Imagine that amount of sucky trauma. Like, dude, someone's just going to murder my house and I have to fucking clean it. You know, the cops will come and investigate. The coroner will take the body and they'll be like, this bloodbath is yours. Yeah. And they're like, see you later. Yeah. There's no service.

They don't help you clean that. I know somebody that can get brains out of walls. And it's on you to pay for it. Like, I mean, I don't know what I assume that is there's some kind of fund also victims. Let's say this, you know, murders happen in every socioeconomic. Yeah. Level, but there's probably, I mean, I'm guessing here more of them in the lower socioeconomic, you know, level.

And so you're talking about somebody who, if something like horrific, like that happens in their home, probably doesn't have the disposable income. Right. So, you know what I mean? Like if you, if you're at a trailer or like a, you know, I don't know, like a small home and they're like, you know, horrible crime happened here and then they're like, yeah, it's going to be a $6,800 to kind of, you know, and they're like, because it's a special service.

It's like they have to clean up human waste. This is not just like the steam, Stanley steam cleaner. This is a fucking thing. That blood, it went through the carpet, through the floorboards and it's dripping into your basement. And they're like, how do I, and they're like, it's just another $4,000. Like what? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You know how expensive that shit is just getting your carpet steamed as a fortune. When our kids mess up our carpets or the walls, hey, just getting to, getting to paint over some marker is a fortune. I can't sell out who it is, but I was on a charter flight on tour and they told me about a celebrity that was like, hey, I want to smoke on this plane. Right.

It's a private charter plane. And they're like, ah, you can't, he's like, no, no, no. Call the, call the operators, you know. How much is this? The guy goes, hey, I want to smoke on this flight. And they're like, he's like, how much is it going to cost me? And they're like, like $10,000. And he's like, fuck that.

I'm not paying that. And then they go, all right, well, $5,000. And he goes, see, I knew you were fucking whores. And then they agreed to $5,000 and he smoked on the flight. Yeah. So what's, because what's the damage? Well, they have to do like a deep, they have to do a deep cleaning though, right? Cause if you're smoking on something, it's going to like a tube, like a plane is.

Yeah. And then. That is so funny. And then I heard another story on a flight where another celebrity, I guess was tipped off by a flight attendant or something that you could go and if you went in the bathroom and you pushed a valve, you could smoke and below the smoke, it would be sucked into like the, you know, like a luggage compartment or something. Oh my God.

That person did that. Yeah. They didn't get on a private plane. They did this run a commercial. On a private plane. Oh my God. Is it really that important? Well, we've heard stories of celebrities who will go to hotels and be like, I don't care

if I have to, like, what's the penalty? And they'll just do it. Yeah. And not, and pay three grand or whatever it is. Like you really have to smoke indoors that much. I mean, it's like, it's got to be a real compulsion at that point. If you're like. Yeah.

Yeah. You do that too? Shut the fuck up. Dude, smoking indoors is the best, man. But do you, I mean, you, you would do that in a hotel and pay like three grand? Uh, no, I've never done that in a hotel, but like in LA when I was getting ready to move here, those last two weeks in my apartment, I did some good damage. Really?

Yeah. It's pretty rad. So you just were like, fuck it. I'm leaving. Yeah. I was like, whatever, dude. Like I don't need to fucking wallow in this filth. That's the next tenants job.

So good. Smoking indoors. Dude, it's, it really is the best though. Yeah. I have a friend. Yeah. I have a friend that has a cigar lounge that he owns and that is nice to sit around, have a cigar, you know.

Yeah. It's the ultimate. It's one of the privileges of being an adult, Tom. It really is. That you can smoke in your apartment. I used to do it too when I was like 23 and I graduated and I was like, this is why I don't live at home. I can just sit here and smoke.

Yeah. It's just like the gaze, you know? It's just like the gaze. Yeah. It's just like the gaze. As long as you're just sitting and setting up adults, you can do whatever you want. Yeah. I used to like smoking in my car, but not on hot days.

That was the fucking worst, bro. I remember when I used to work in post-production. Yeah. I lived in Valley Village. It's a village. Valley Village. I worked in West Hollywood. I took Laurel Canyon over, which for people who don't live in LA, it's a big cut-through.

It takes you from the Valley into the city, right? It's incredibly jammed during the rush hour, right? Going into the city in the morning and coming back to the Valley in the evening. I was taking that every day. I lived right off of Laurel Canyon. It was the way I was going to go to work. I worked in this post-production place that had 100 employees. Then one of them goes, oh, hey, I saw you on Laurel.

I see you there all the time, actually. They go, yeah, you just sit there. You listen to the radio and just watch you flick your cigarettes out of the car. I was like, huh? They're like, yeah, I just see you. You just flick them out of the car. Oh, my God. It was their way of telling me, you shouldn't do that.

I go, yeah, I'm not going to keep them in my car. Well, here's the part that you're not mentioning yet is that there's signs everywhere on Laurel Canyon. Do not flick your butts out because that's how fires start. Yeah, but that's for other people. That's not for me. No, I know. You know? Well, you're smarter because when I was 16 and smoking in my 87 Chevy Nova, my first car,

I would keep them all in the ashtray. And I remember just, and it was just overflowing. And one time my dad took my car for some reason, he was like, you're going to be kidding me. All these fucking cigarettes smells like shit in there. Smells like a fucking ashtray. Yeah. And at that point, they couldn't do nothing to me. I was like, whatever, dude.

How old were you? 16? Yeah. Sean and I would just smoke in the morning on the way to school, 6.30 in the morning. What would you be when you parked, did you have a routine to get it off your breath or anything? Yeah, but I don't know why I was even trying because they knew I was smoking. Like I'd punch out the screens in my room, my bedroom on the second floor. I'm talking about school.

Oh, they didn't give a fuck at school. No? They didn't give a fuck at school. I mean. Our school did. They smelled it on you. You getting trouble? Fuck yeah.

Really? Absolutely. No, we were cooler than that. You guys were, I think your school is a little more uptight. Yeah, for sure. Because LA is like Catholic light school. Like everybody would, like teachers would smoke at this school. No, I had a teacher that smoked fucking two packs of Paul malls a day, but they still did,

for the students, they didn't allow anything like that. No shenanigans. No shenanigans. That's good. That's why your parents sent you there. Yeah. And look at the winner you fucking became because of those shenanigans. That was one of the worst students they've ever had graduate.

Ever. I know I heard you talking to Santino about your GPA. 2.1, Tom. Pretty good. That is fucking, what a de-average, homie. Pretty bad, yeah. That is like, you just have to show up to get a 2.1. It really, I got crushed by math and it really fucked everything up, you know?

Because what happens is like, if you do okay in that and then excel in a couple things and average, it kind of balances out, you're going to be closer to like, you're going to be closer to a 3.0 probably. But I got crushed and then in other things, if I didn't do grade in, it's adding to like zeroes you're getting in math. I mean, it was just, it was really bad. I mean, bro, no one told you like, so you got to like, so. Didn't care.

I was retarded math too. Yeah. And, but what I do is like, you stack the deck with easy shit, like, oh, I'm taking fucking ceramics this semester. I'm taking tennis. Oh, you can take tennis? Yeah, I did. It took me going to college and, you know, right, like my first semester in college, I

had like a 3.8 GPA. Wow. And they were like, I mean, I remember one of the professors being like, you know, you're one of the best students. You pulled me aside to tell me that. Geez. And then that was encouraging. So then I started to do things like, when I got my first term paper assignment, I went

to the library that day and started researching it for the, it was due in like three months. And I started to just become a better student. I forget what my college GPA was. It was notably higher. Same as these. I was a retard in high school. I mean, it makes you feel bad in a way because I would go, you know, by junior year in college, I was like, oh, I could have gone to a much better school.

I know. I could have. But you know what? I feel like it's such a bad time to put that much pressure on young people. You're 14 years old. Yeah. You're becoming, you're in puberty. You're just figuring out girls, your genitals, life.

And at the same time, they're like, hey, don't forget, take your SATs. This will set you up for the rest of your life. Yeah. So did not ask for help. Like a couple of people flagged it. You know, teachers were like, you're doing really poorly. And so they would put, but I, I didn't even really, I remember going to like these after school sessions with this math teacher and he was like, you know, he was really nice.

And he was like, you know, now do you get it? And I was like, mm-mm. But I also wasn't like, man, I'm trying to get it. Yeah. I was like, oh, I don't care. Well, because there's a, there's a, because I was stupid and math, like an algebra, forget it. Yeah.

And I was like, I'm going to get this out on the early fundamentals of algebra. And then you're like, dude, by the time I'm balancing equations and the equals and the, I don't know what the fuck this is. You know what I also remember? Oh, I hated it. I remember that at one point we were doing this thing where you were going over something in algebra. And he goes, well, you know, like he pulled up this long division equation on the board

and I go, oh, I don't remember long division. And he was like, what? I go, I don't remember. I go, wasn't that like fifth grade or something? I got to remember how it goes. And then I realized how connected it was, like that I had, that had dissolved. And then I was like, well, I don't, none of this makes sense to me anymore. You know?

It all builds. Yeah. It all builds on each other. And I had a fucking friend, like a good buddy of mine who was so advanced in math that they didn't offer a math course high enough. Oh, wow. At our high school. So a van from the community college would come and pick him up like during third period

and take him to the community college so he could do an advanced calculus course. And then it would bring him back. So he's taken college math. And I was like, dude, six plus four is 10. I know. He was like, yeah, I know. It's a retard. Yeah.

Yeah. It's funny. Yeah. I'm always amazed at kids that could excel in high school. I think there's just so much going on with you at that age. Yeah. It's too much. No, my high school was happy to see me leave.

I know. Mine too. My college, whatever, what do they call guidance counselor, was like, well, there's Pierce College, which is a community college. Yeah. You can go to community college. I'm like, I'm not going to fucking community college. I'm going to go into like a private Jesuits who have to pay my way in and I did.

And I got in on academic probation, but then I did better. Listen, I have a very big announcement to make. Oh, you do? Is it time? Can we go and do this? Give me a moment. Sure. I need my chips in a bowl.

I need cats eating kibble. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Big announcement, you guys. So as you know, my signature lip color is red. I've been wearing this since I was 13 years old. I am passionate about red lipstick. You are.

I have tried every brand, every shade. You name it. I have done it. I am an expert in red lipstick and I get so many questions. What one do you buy? What are you wearing? What are you wearing? What are you wearing?

That I decided to contact Italy's premier atelier is what it's called. Atelier makeup company. And we spent months developing this and I have finally made my own shade of red lipstick. I'm calling it Christina P's perfect red lipstick. And as far as I'm concerned, and this is like I worked to create this for you put a lot into this. This is the color I wear and the formula is perfect, meaning like sometimes it's too soft and you'll get creases or it's too hard and it'll dry out your lips.

This is the most beautiful lipstick. I think it's reasonably priced. It is on our website and YMH Studios. Check it out. Trot out. Congratulations. And you can finally look like your mommy here. You look great.

I wanted to give it to the women of the world because you know, a red lip really changes your life. You're feeling like a frumpy bag of shit. You put on a red lip and life is much better. So there you go. Good job. I'm proud of you. I forgot how much I love that sound.

Is there any better sound than a cat eating kibble? That's for you. That's for me. Congratulations. Thank you. I'm super stoked. I know you have months went into this. I would say like from the inception or the idea of it, it was a year or more.

You know, you've been talking about this for a long time. A long time. Cause like they, it's hard to find a brand that works anyway. I think this one will work for you. Also, may I plug my dates before we go on as long as we're on the subject of plugging? I am in Cleveland, Ohio at Hilarities, August 12th and 13th. Minneapolis, August 26th and 27th. One night only in Jewdork titties at Brooklyn at the Bell House in September 7th.

Detroit, September 9th. And finally, I've never done Detroit and I'm super stoked. One night in Chicago, September 10th, Zanies in Nashville, October 6th, 7th and 8th. And then back again to Jewdork titties and Carolines and then Biloxi November 18th. Tickets at christinapeonline.com. Thank you. Boom. I will be, let's see, I'm going to keep touring the world and I'm going to be coming up here.

Let's see. August. My God. I have some days off in August, which is exciting, but I also have a bunch of shows. Let's see. August. Make that bigger for me. All right.

I have Niagara Falls, August 11th. I have Caesars, August 10th, which is in Windsor, Ontario. Pittsburgh. Okay. That one's gone. Oh yeah. Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. I'm doing the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival, August 14th.

Penn State. I'll be at Bryce Jordan Center, August 25th. I'm doing the Wind Creek Event Center in Bethlehem, PA, August 26th. And let's see, Mohican Sun Arena, September 3rd. And the Palace Theater in Stanford, Connecticut, September 4th. There's still a few tickets available, sorry, for my fifth show, final show of Meridian Hall in Toronto in September. Okay.

So, last night, I went out to dinner with our correspondent. We went to this really good spot. What did he eat? Yeah, tell me, because he likes to order a lot. He showed up. We were meeting with some producers about a project we've been working on. Produces. Directors.

You know what I'm saying? I write the music, you know what I'm saying? And he shows up and he's like, I can just see it in his face. He's like, okay, I'm like, what is going on? And he's like, had a couple cocktails on the way over here, right? Because he took an Uber. He's like flushed and red. His belly, you know, is all distended.

And he's like, we're going to tie one on Tommy. And I was like, I drove here. I did an Uber here. Because he's like, oh, that's right. And then he turns to the people. He goes, Tommy's always in control. He's always in control. And I'm like, okay.

Wait, wait. He's shaming you because you're showing up to a business meeting. Yeah, yeah, a business dinner. And I'm like. Not drunk. Yeah. And I'm like, okay. So we sit down.

They drop menus. And Bert goes, we don't need those. One of everything. One of everything like that. And I was like, okay. So they just bring out like six appetizers. Right. The table is a circular table.

So it's occupying every inch of it. And so they're like, one of the people goes, Tom, what do you want to drink? I go, I think I want to do wine. They go, yeah, I'll do wine. And Bert was in the bathroom. So he comes back. He goes, we're not doing drinks. And I go, well, we ordered wine.

So he's like, he goes, he goes, okay. So the waiter comes back and they start opening the wine. And he goes, you know what? He goes, I'd like a tequila. But, you know, while I wait, I'll take a glass of wine too. I don't want to actually, you know. Oh my God. So he's like that, pours the glass of wine.

And then he goes, what's the best thing? The best thing on the menu. And they're like, well, this and that. And Bert's like, I'll take one of those and one of those. I go, you're having two entrees? He's like, he's like. After 13 appetizers. So they bring out the main dish.

I'm not exaggerating. He goes, put that second one in between us. Me and Tommy are going to share it. I go, I'm not sharing that. So I take a bite of my dish. And as I look up, I'm not kidding you. As I look up, I see him doing the last bite. Stop.

And I go, I go, did you just finish that? He goes, it's so small. Oh my God. So then he cuts into the second dish, right? And it's chicken parmesan. It's like, jeez. He's like, can you pass the salt? I mean, it's like a cartoon character, you know?

And then he's putting this on. He goes, let me get another. He goes, another tequila. Like he screamed it. It's a nice restaurant. Oh my God. And then he's like, and there's food falling on his face. He's a mess.

Yeah, he's a mess. He's all id. I asked for a grilled artichoke. I love grilled artichoke. Yeah. You know, you peel a leaf. Yeah. I love that shit.

Right? You peel it. So good. And then you have like the end. So fun. So I'm like, you know, I offer this guy. And he's like, I'm good. And I go, Bert, artichoke.

He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he just takes it, takes a knife, cuts it in half. And goes to the whole thing. I was like, oh. Holy shit. Dude, how old is he now? He's like 50. He turns 50, yeah.

I mean. He turns 50. He's like, you start, you dress nice. I want to start dressing nice. I go, you can. You look like a fucking sixth grader most of the time. I haven't seen him in person in a while. How, how fat is Fat Sticks now?

He's like, he's pretty fat. He's not his absolute fattest. Wow. Really? No. Sounds like he's working towards it though. No. I mean, what it is is he's just riding that line all the time, you know, of like, like

last night, he really went off the rails. But like today. He'll rain it in. He might, he'll rain it in and he'll do a crazy workout. Like the kind of thing that 99% of people, if they had last night's night with him, they'd be like, I'm in bed today. Yeah. Or like, I'm not doing anything.

I'm sick. Yeah. And he'll run and lift weights and, you know, he'll, he'll be active today, which isn't like, it's not going to make him lose weight. But it'll keep, it'll keep him from probably going over the top. Right. It'll keep him stable. Yeah.

What an interesting psychology. He's so extreme. He's such like a bingey. He's a total banger. Person. Yeah. Like just hearing that out of control-ness is like. Oh my God.

Whoa. Like, whoa. Yeah. Is that, because that's not even pleasurable at that point. Like, are you even, are you even tasting stuff when you're just like, half another job? I don't think so. Dang dude.

He always does this every time we hang out and there are drinks. You know, I think I'm like most people where I'm like, all right, you know, the fun is, it's, you know, I want to go home now. Yeah. And he'll be like, Tommy, Tommy, the night's just beginning. No. I'm like, it is not. No, it's not.

He was telling the story about, you know, pickleball. It's like, it's like the game has become more popular. He's like, you know, we'll do bus call because we both tour a lot. He's like, we'll do bus call. Sometimes it'll be like four, a four a.m. bus call. So what we'll do is when the show's over, we'll just play pickleball till four a.m. and drink in the, and then we go, and I'm like, that's when I go, we tour so differently.

How, but how is he sustaining them? I don't know. I don't know how he's not sick all the time. Like if you described, if I lived his lifestyle, I would be dead. Or, you know, routinely hospitalized. Like, I don't know how he's alive. I don't either. It's Mickey Mail Jean.

Yeah, it is. It truly is because to, to blow it out that hard. Yeah. That is excessive. It must be in his DNA. Yeah. He's got it. He's definitely.

It's a maniac. Yeah. He can just push through. I mean, that's the push through. It's crazy. The craziest thing about him is what his next day is like. Like today he probably got up at seven and was like, I'm going to go for a jog. And you know, what's interesting is we've known him for so many years.

It sounds like it's getting more extreme versus slowing down as he ages. Like he's doing more and then being more excessive. Yeah. So the pendulum is even farther both ways. Yeah. Which is just like, how is this happening? Yeah. Crazy talk.

Crazy talk. All right. Fuck. Let's take a quick break and we will be back in a moment. Our guest is a brilliant, fantastic, hilarious, prolific writer, creator and producer. His show, Sprung, comes out on Amazon Free V, beginning August 14th. 19th. Why the fuck would you put 14th in the copy then?

My bad. Sorry about that. Oh, it's Zolo? Greg Garcia. Greg Garcia, everybody. Hey, what's going on? We're so stoked to have you. How you doing, man?

I'm thrilled to be here. It's good to see you guys. You're the funniest person in the world. You really are. Don't say, why would you say that? Why would you say that right off the bat? You really are. Well, I would say non-Jewish.

Okay. Like I've all, like there's a lot of really funny Jews. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But in Hollywood, you know, we were lucky enough to meet you. First of all, everybody, so people that don't know, you created, my name is Earl. Yeah. And that was a hit, huge show. So I think when you are out here and you're, you know, trying to make it and you see somebody's

name as a show creator, you just go like, I'll never meet that person because I'm a piece of shit and that's a successful person. And so it's so crazy to even meet people that do, like have done the things you've done. But then we got to work with you and you really are just like, it's, it reminds me of, I've done a few acting jobs and sometimes you're on set and you're with a real actor and they're like, and action. You watch them. You're like, holy shit.

Yeah. Like that is, they're like, that's different. Yeah. That's absolutely different. What they're doing. And I feel that way about you as like somebody who can like come up with ideas and come up with jokes. Oh my God.

Look, we had a good time. We did. And, but I felt the same way because like, I love stand-ups so much, like stand-up to me is like the top of the show biz ladder to me because I think writing is like super hard because you start with nothing, but then stand-up, you got to write it and then you got to perform it. Like I can write stuff and then just hide behind other actors and stuff. But there's, listen, I mean, my first job, my very first thing I did when I got to LA

was I worked for Copeland Entertainment, which was a huge like movie production house. And like big producers, they made, you know, the fugitive murder at 1600, all these like big thrillers. And I would do a script coverage, right? And basically you would just sit there every day, read scripts, do a full synopsis, do an outline, explain what's good about it. So you just get so conditioned to that most writing is shit. Oh.

Most writing is shit. Garbage. And people give you stuff all the time to read and they're just like, oh, this is perfect. And this is, what the worst is when they say this is so you, this is so you and you read it and you're like, what do you think of it? What do you think of it? Who am I? This is garbage.

Yeah. Well, we've worked with. Hey man, I'm really good at dialogue. What about the story? Yeah. About a story. That's kind of important. Well, we've worked with people before trying to develop shows, but with you, it was like,

you'd bring us these ideas and someone are like, oh, shit, this guy's so fucking funny. And they would always be funny and thoughtful and really layered and deep and connected. Yeah. And you're also good at like, why a story, what a story doesn't work, you know, like what it needs. And just so people understand the, like, I think they should get the full story. Yeah. Because people are going to be like, well, people are also going to be like, I can't

wait for this show to come out here. Sounds amazing. Here's the good news. We worked together. We got to the point where a whole group of people were real excited to do it. Some mega huge names in our business and networks were like. Two networks were going against each other. We want to make this.

Yeah. And we want to pay you guys more than most people make in a year. Sure. We do that weekly. And we said no and then it went away, which I thought was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. I loved it because, you know, when they first call me, they were like, hey, do you want to meet with Tom and Christina about this idea?

And I don't normally like do that stuff because I just like doing my own ideas, but I knew who you guys were. I was a fan and I was like, yeah, have them come over to the house and we'll have a meeting and worst case scenario, we'll just become friends, which would be fine with me. I like them a lot. And so then we had a great meeting. My parents were visiting. That's right.

I introduced my mother as my wife. Oh my God. This is the kind of thing I was just talking about is like, there are people who are just funny all the time. And when he said, this is my wife, I was like, holy shit. She's like mid 70s. Yeah. I was like, I mean, she's hot as shit, but mid 70s and Tom was like, Greg's a really

good guy. Oh, you saw it. Like this guy's salt to the earth. Oh my God. This must have been like his history teacher or something and he stayed with her. He's got a big heart. This guy, right? I wanted to have my father do the whole meeting as me, but he could not get it together and

dress rehearsals at the house. So we didn't do that. You were going to have him play you? Yeah. Yeah, I was just going to have him because I figured you didn't know what I looked like. So I figured I'd have him. He couldn't. There's no way you could pull it off.

But anyway, yeah. But so what happened was he had all fell apart, but then I'm still friends with you guys. Yes. That's all good. We're all good. That's the best part, really. Well, and to make it real clear to people, it's that at the time, nobody could, meaning of the three of us, fully commit to the increasing demands of what the show looked like.

When we were brought in to do like talked about the show, they were like, you're just going to like show up and then you can participate at your convenience. Yeah. And then they tell me like, oh, you can just supervise them and they'll write the script. So you can, they're telling everybody they can just show up. And then I was going to do the fucking work. Right. And then like, then they bring in like some, some other mega producers.

Yeah. Good guys. Good guys. And then they were like, we'll just watch him watch you. Yeah. We're going to be way back here, but we'll take most of the money and you guys. Good luck. But then, and then the real end of it was like getting calls where they're like, Tom,

you know, just so you know, you'll probably be in a room for like eight months. I go, this was not part of the equation. And because I had, I had this show that's that the one that's coming out, I was trying to sell that. Yeah. And I actually had written a couple of scripts for Nate Bargazzi and we were out trying to sell that. So I was like, all right, look, I want to do this, but I don't know how, how, how much

I can do. And it was right at the beginning of the pandemic too. Yeah. It was right at the beginning of that. Yeah. But, but yeah, it all worked out. It all worked out. It's a pretty cool experience.

Now you have this show sprung. Yeah. Tell us about that one. Oh, yeah. So this is about a bunch of convicts who get out of prison because of COVID. So and it's comedy, of course. Like COVID is, is making. It's so funny.

Yeah. Like I was reading like that they were letting out prisoners because of COVID. And I was like, this is not a great idea, I don't think. But like, and I was like, all right, well, I kind of had like this idea kicking around in my head that I wanted to do with this actor, Garrett Dillahunt, about a guy who got out of prison. And I was like, well, maybe I'll just turn it into this. And so I kept like maybe 5% of it and changed the rest of it and, and then wrote the script

and, and we sent it around. It was like early pandemic, right? It's like, it's like, Marcher. How long did it take you to kick out that script? It didn't take that long. I'd say like, when I have an idea and I know what it is, it'll take me like a week, two weeks to kind of like get it a shit version of it. And then I'll give it to my friends and then they'll like, tell me what sucks and give me

some ideas and then I'll mess with it a little bit more. So we went to sell it all around town. But no, everybody was like, guy, this is a pandemic comedy. Like we don't know how this thing ends. Like we're just starting this thing. Everybody in the world could die. We're not. You'd be like, yeah, but they're prisoners.

They don't care if they die. Yeah, exactly. Right? Yeah. They're disposable. Yeah. So, but not Amazon freebie, buddy. Yeah.

They were like, we're, we're on board, you know, and I think partially because they like the script. Bezos doesn't care if people die. No. I'm not sure. I'm going to take the fifth on that until the show airs. I'm hoping to go to space. Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry. Come on. But no, he doesn't. But, but so they, they were all about it. And so then at that point they go, all right, we'll write like three more scripts. And then if we like it, we'll commit to shoot it because I didn't want to shoot a pilot. I just was like, either we do it or we don't do it, whatever.

And so then I wrote like two more scripts and I was like, you just tell me if you like it at this point. And they liked it. And we do it. And episode one, I think it's a good selling point for this audience has a familiar actor to them. Yeah. Joey Diaz.

Joey's in two episodes. He was, you know, he was in New Jersey. He wasn't doing much. And I was like, you know, he, I'd worked with him a lot in the past. I love Joey. Um, actually just spoke with him. I do karate's Tuesday. You're not shooting Tuesday.

Are you? Okay. I'm bringing mercy. We're going, we're going to Hershey, Hershey Park. So that's what he did. Wednesdays. I swim. Tuesday.

And you're like, well, you're a really active guy. So yeah, he came down from New Jersey. We have a couple of like comedians that played like inmates for quick little things. This guy, Aaron Weber, who's on the Nate Lam podcast and this guy, Brian Bates and Josh Wolfe. And so it was fun. So they, they all came down at the same time and it's always fun to see Joey. Yeah.

I think in the pilot, he's just sitting on a toilet talking about how to commit the perfect crime. Yeah. That sounds, that is a conversation that's happened in his real life for sure. Absolutely. I mean, he just slipped right into it for sure. I just love him because like, he was like wearing a ring and I watched like the wardrobe person come over and be like, uh, we need you to take off the ring.

He wears a ring. Okay. And then they look at me. I go, you fucking wears a ring. Yeah. Yeah. He wears a ring. Definitely wears a ring.

Yeah. We're not, we're not messing with Joey. Real prisoners, a lot of blacks yelling. Yeah. I appreciate it. Yeah. He told me those stories one time. He's like, they yell things to each other and they own, you know, they've got their

own way of talking. And you're like, no, I know what you're talking about. Yeah. Yeah. I did, I did his, I did his podcast one time with Josh Wolf and like, you know, everybody gets high before the podcast and I was like, no, I don't know. And so I, I, I took like a little, you know, little hit off. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, no. And then I was like, all right. And then I was like, zonked out and then we talked for like an hour and like Joey does a lot of the talking and then Josh and him had like all these backstories and stuff. So they talk and I jump in once in a while and I'm like, all right, I'm doing okay. And my head's going crazy inside and it's like about an hour, 15 minutes or so. And then all of a sudden Joey goes, all right, you guys ready to do this? Should we start recording?

No. What? What? Start recording. Yeah. And I went and watched it. I pulled it off. All right.

But dude, he did one. I did the same thing as you one time where he goes, eat this. And I'm like, no fucking way. Right. And it's one of his stars of death. So he cuts the corner off of it and eat that. And I'm like, all right. I thought I was, I mean, I was like, this isn't enough to do anything.

Well, he then starts doing one of his like, just Joey thoughts, like stream of consciousness things where he's like San Francisco 84. I robbed this Chinese lady. Right. And it's just like going into this thing. He's like, they had the best dim sum that was on the corner of state and when Maine and you're like, right. I'm like, they used to dip it in this sauce.

And you're like, where do I jump in on this anywhere? Yeah. And then he's like, it reminded me because I was in Vegas, 92. And there was this girl who had one leg and I fucked her while she was. And you're just like, yeah. And it's just like, and then I'm getting increasingly high. Right. Like I feel like, oh my God.

Yeah. And then he just goes and it's like an hour of just talking. And then he goes, and I'm just listening to like this, this monologue, just this rapid fire monologue of like crimes and robberies and sex and drugs and all this stuff. And he's like, yeah. And when I was in prison, I tried to sell coke to the guy and then he said, no. And so pull the knife on me. So me and my friends and you're like, yeah.

And then he's like, what's going on with you, Tom? Yeah. Like out of there. And I was like, ah, yeah. Nothing like that. I start talking and then I look up and he's like this. Oh yeah. I've seen that one.

Just checked out. Yeah. Cause he's so high. So high. Cause when he stopped talking is when he feels how high he is. Yes. You know what I mean? Cause he's like on, he's on like a thousand.

All of a sudden he's just got his thoughts and it's like, oh shit. And then he's like done. And then he's like, he just looks at you and then he's like, so what's going on? I'm like, you just asked me. I just told you. When we did the degenerates, I was like eight months pregnant. And he and I were sitting in a casino filming the intro to it. And there's a band playing behind us.

Like so fucking loud. And I'm just sitting there waiting for the next take. We have like a 10 minute break. I look over and Joey's fully like. Yeah. Oh yeah. Mouth open. And there's a band behind you in a Vegas casino.

Like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. He is at crazy. And then he just gets up and he performs. He's like time to shoot this next thing. I mean, I've told so many stories about how high he gets. But the craziest thing is that I saw him one time take like a star of death and do an hour. That's cruel. And murder.

Murder functions. Murder. Like have complete control. And then I go like, you're not, you don't feel that. He's like, what are you talking about? I had like three panic attacks. I'm like, how do you fucking deal with that? He's just like, what are you talking about?

Go in. Let's smoke a joint. That's the next thing he does. I love him though. There's nothing like him. I mean, you put it on screen. There's nothing like him. And then he's always a sweetheart.

Like the trailer comes out and he posted and then like, I just see the views go like crazy because people love him. They want to see him and stuff. And he's the best. He is the best. I saw this meme. It was, it was a side by side photo of Joey Diaz and Brad Pitt. And apparently they're both the same age.

I believe, I think Brassie, you're older. Yeah, I saw that too. It's just good living. Yeah. Anyway, good times. Wait, do you think he enjoys the rolling panic attacks? Like remember that guy we knew that smoked crack and he's like, well, I like to look through the peephole.

I panic. Oh yeah. Is that the cool part of it? I think you, there's either that's a big deterrent or for something. Cause I know another guy who actually works in comedy too, not a comedian. And one time I smoked with him and he was one of these like really invested in weed lifestyle. So he had like so many, and he had one like volcano thing where he's like, you got to

heat it, but not burn it. And then it came out and I go, I go, the thing that I hate though is that I get real anxiety. I mean like genuine panic and he goes, I do too. He goes, and I love it. You know, I go, I don't know what, I don't know what is desirable about that at all. He goes, I go in, I go in for it every day. Is it the same thing of like rock climbing and stuff? Like is it that same thing?

But you can do it in your own living room of just like the adrenaline of just like, oh, I'm fucking through this. And then like you feel like you come out of it and you're like, I fucking did something today. Maybe that is it. I conquered that shit today. I conquered it. I think you're right.

Maybe that's it. Or remember that cave diving documentary? Yeah. The nerds love to cave dive. Yeah. And there's these tiny little openings. But they're so, but that's how they feel in their brain. But those guys, they said that those guys are like, chill with, they're not panicked

doing that. You know what I mean? It chills them out to focus that much. Maybe it's the focus. Like you're saying it's like the, you're going through the eye of the needle. I don't know. I love the feelings of like a good high buzz. Horrific is the worst.

And as soon as it gets to anxiety, I go, this is the worst nightmare of my life. It's the worst. I want to relax at the end of the day. That's nice. But like, why would you want to get yourself so crazy? Yeah. Are you having too much alcohol? That's a bummer too.

Yeah. Oh, that was too much. Yeah. That one shot. I feel sick. Remember there was a round of tequila shots at my birthday party and it was like whoever did it was like tipped over and I put it down. Yeah.

Yeah. It takes a long time to realize. To figure it out. To figure it out and to like figure out to like with like food, even food, exercise, drugs, whatever. How is this going to make me feel after instead of during? Yeah. Because after lasts so much longer.

And there's this thing with, I mean, physically and mentally, mentally the after can last years. So true. You're like, why did I do that? So true. But the fucking, there's like an age thing too where it takes, I mean it took me a while to like, you know, people would go shots and you're like, all right. And I remember that at that party, you know, somebody goes fuck right after that.

Full chart. I go, what? Oh yeah. Full chart. He goes, he goes, fuck, I'm drunk. And I go, what? He goes, I did that shot. And he goes, now I feel drunk now.

And I was like, that's exactly why I put it down. I just knew. Yeah. And then the ride home feels different. Sleep feels different. Yeah. Wake up. I think I was one of the first people in like my like friends, like in the 20s and

stuff that like was be the first to be like, hey, take a shot. And I'd be like, no. And they'd be like pussy. Yeah. Yeah. It's fine. Sure. I'm the pussy.

That's fine. I did shots. I did shots a couple of weeks ago somewhere like on tour and it was like, I didn't do a lot, but I remember when somebody goes have another one, I was like, no, that first one, because we had been having regular drinks. Like that first one just took me over the like, if I have that one, it's going to be puking. Like, I don't want it anymore.

You just. It's going to ruin. And I slept like shit that night. Even even with food, like you said, I'm finally learning at 46. Like, okay, I can eat like that huge ass piece of cake, but that shit's going to live on my body now for like months. Like you just can't do it anymore. I'm like, how good does that thing taste?

Really? I don't drink that much. But when I do drink, I'll like, like I was, I'll tell you, I was drinking, I went out to dinner with this guy. I hadn't seen in like 20 years and it was him and his fiance, this guy he met in Tijuana who was like half his age and we went to dinner with them and I had like a drink at dinner and I agreed to officiate their wedding and we ended up doing it in my backyard. That day?

Like three days later. Really? I went to get ordained.com. There was like five of us in my backyard. My wife was like, what is happening? This was like last week. Oh, this happened last week. Oh, wow.

Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. I pronounced them Mr. and Mr. Fister, that's their name. That's their name. That's a great name. It was a lovely ceremony and I'm glad I did it, but had I not had that drink, I don't think it never would have happened.

Changed your whole week. It did change our whole week. Your judgment changes completely, you know, impairment. Yeah. Yeah. I'll get myself into trouble. Yeah. This is somebody who may have had a drink or two.

They decided to get that. I know, I saw this. This is so amazing. So this, this popped into my stories, my mentions and I do believe it's real. Yeah. Been wanting to do my knuckles for years, just couldn't decide what to do, only fitting I pay respect to the main two mommies and then he got a tattooed FGTRTD on his, on his knuckles.

Wow. That ride till death. I would love to be there. I'd love to be like a super cut of every time someone's like, what's that? Like what is that? What's that stand for? What's it say on your hands? And he always has to like give a story.

I saw a guy at the Albertsons yesterday, old man. He was, he had a walker and he was with his wife and she was doing most of the moving around and shopping and stuff and he had a mask, but he had it real thin just on his nose. Like it was like really weird and on his arm, I think it was a sharpie, but it might have been a tattoo and in block letters, it just said like, Phil Stevenson is a dick. And it's been, it kept me up last night that I didn't ask him, what does that mean? I kept like trying to get like grapes and look over and read it and everything, but

what a great tattoo. Yeah. I mean, it's so hard. And he was like 80 years old. Yeah. That's the best part too. Who knows how many years he's had that and how, if he's still mad at Greg's, is it Greg Stevenson?

It was Phil Stevenson. Phil Stevenson? Like what's the grudge? You're right. The story behind that. Or is it like a momenta thing? And it's like him, he's Phil Stevenson and he has to remind himself. Oh yeah.

I'm a dick. I'm a dick. Yeah. I was running all the scenarios. It feels like a really good like 1950s kind of story too, like where that was such a bold thing to do. Yeah. Like using language.

Everyone knew that guy in town. Oh yeah. He was head of the motorcycle gang. Yeah. You talking about Phil Stevenson? Yeah. That guy's a real dick. Oh yeah.

Yeah. You don't believe me? Look what he did to me. Look what he did to me. Yeah. Yeah, dude. That's a good one. Oh fuck.

Yeah. That's a really good one. To call somebody out for life. For life homing? Yeah, on your arm. You hate that fool. The first is a piece of shit. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe it was someone he fought over an armrest on a plane with or something. I don't know. That's hilarious. I got it. I'm going to go back there and look for him. But this one's you. This is special.

This is good. This is the gift that keeps on giving all his whole life. Yeah. You have, I wanted to point this out. You have always emphasized the importance. You've made it, I actually notice it in a non-sexual way, the importance of bras. Oh my gosh. Yeah.

Like every time we're out, she's been like, she's like, this person's not wearing a supportive bra. Look at it. And I notice it now. And I think what a lot of women need is like the bra place to go to. Yes. Like, you know what I mean? Like you need, some of them just don't know where to go.

Absolutely. And then we found them. Here we are at CCC's laundry, mrbrah.com, mrbrah.com. We sell bras. We have every size you can imagine. See this guy. We have all sorts of foundation garments, okay? We sell bridal bras, lingerie, corsets, you know, hard to fit bras, you know, strapless,

nursing home, maternity. We sell whatever type bra you could need here at mrbrah.com. It's also just, I think the kind of person that most women want to buy a bra from. Well, see, I found this guy on the talk and I immediately scrolled over because I was like pervert, no thanks. Because everybody knows you get fitted by an aggressive Russian lady. That's who takes care of your tethas, not Santa Claus. This is not appropriate.

I love that it looks like a hardware store at first, that it's just like he's standing behind that desk with those wooden shelves and the camera work is excellent as well. Just leave them for a little bit, artistic, come back, find them. It looks so good. It's really nice. You've got an oak cup. An oak cup. An oak cup.

Here's your oak cup. Holy shit. Negative, dude. Damn. You need an oak cup. I've got it. Yeah, he does. Elemental P.O.

You know. Yeah, but. Look at this. What do I have here? I've got a pea cup. Can you believe it? A pea cup. A pea cup.

Who the heck has a pea cup? Yeah, he, then he's on the next book. Mrbrah.com. Here you are. Here's your basic pea cup. Holy shit, dude. Non-underwire. Yeah, that doesn't work.

Non-underwire. You need a bra. You need to be fit. You need a good bra. You come to Mrbrah.com. Mrbrah.com. I love it. And he's got, and I love that he has the measuring tape around his neck, like bring

those titties down. Bring them in. I'll fit you. I'll fit him. Yeah. I'll fit him. And that, I mean, from a pea cup, I don't know if that thing's long enough. I don't know.

Those are massive. And by the way, a pea cup with no underwire, it's not going to support your mushy purples. It's just going to mash them down. Listen, you need titties in order to fit titties. And it's nice to be able to see behind the internet, because if you go to mrbrah.com, you're not necessarily not going to, you're not going to know exactly. Look at that screen. That's what you see at Mrbrah.

Oh, okay, yeah. Yeah, exactly. So you have a whole, you have no idea what's going on behind that screen. She's not at the store. You don't see her at mrbrah.com. Definitely not at mrbrah.com. You see him when you walk into Mrbrah.com. This fucking dude.

Yeah. No, not voluntarily. She's not there. No, she might be in the back. Yeah. Lovely. What a lovely girl. Yeah.

I don't trust this guy. Not into this guy at all. I don't. I would never go to him. I don't trust him. Yeah. Again. There's no reason.

No underwire and a pea cup. It's crazy. It's stupid. Yeah. It's still, it doesn't make sense. It's like buying a, what do you guys wear when you play football? A cup? Yeah.

It's silly. You need a hard cup. There's no structural integrity. Thank you. So when do you net, like, is no underwire ever okay? For big purples, if you got big cans, I have big cans. The only time I wear no underwire is when I'm at home with you guys and like, I don't care.

Throw caution to the wind. They flop around. But if you want your tits to look normal, like, I wear underwire. That pea cup looks like one of those like bras you put like on a Nissan Centra. Yeah. You know? Like. Yeah.

To protect the, it looks like the same size. It goes in front of a car. Yeah. Yeah. Why do people put bras on their cars? Just to, like, it's the inexpensive way to protect that paint, because that's where things are going to hit the car first. Oh, shit.

It's the same as having like plastic on your furniture. Yeah. Yeah. So. It's like, but what are you protecting it? Like, when are you going to? Yeah. What are you protecting it for?

Yeah, live. Yeah. Take the bra off. Enjoy it. Yeah. Let your tits hang. My parents had covered the furniture and put seat covers on their car seats. And so, remember, I was like, oh, I have this new car.

I have to put the seats on the car. He's like, what? Yeah. He doesn't, and to this day, you don't let me cover the furniture and the kids always fuck it up. Yeah. That's true. I just, like you said, I just live.

Yeah. Just live. And then you'll, I mean, you knew when you had kids, they were going to fuck everything up. They fuck everything up. They're wild, right? They're fun. Yeah.

Beyond. Yeah. Yeah. Beyond. Beyond is one of the ones that this cool boarding school, out hippie boarding school, and he loves. So, yeah, we're empty nesters. So, wait, when do they stop being so wild?

I guess it depends on the kids, right? But like, I mean, yours are how old right now? Four and six. Okay. So, yeah, you're at that age and it's just like craziness. It's just literally like one runs up to me and elbows me. Good morning, mom. The other one just slaps me on the butt.

Hey, mom. If I take off my shirt in front of the four-year-old, he's slapping my tits. Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. They sleep on top of our head and they just, they rough house with him. They get real rough with me. Kick, punch. Oh, yeah.

Oh, man, slap. The worst is that laying on a couch and you're just, I'm just relaxing on this couch and then all of a sudden, I feel like somebody dropped a safe on me and it's that they, what they could do, jump and then does knees first into my back. They think you're invincible. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And he's like, sorry, dad, sorry, sorry.

I'm like, it's like the 10th time, man. Give my back a break, dude. One of my favorite stories when they were really little is one of them came up to me and he's just like, dad, my butt hurts. And I'm like, what? And he's like, my butt hurts. I'm like, like the cheek? Like you said, he goes, no, the hole.

It hurts. Oh, no. And I'm like, oh. I'm like, what? Do you want me to look at it or something? And he's like, yeah, can you look at it? I'm like, all right. So then like he pulls his pants down and he spreads his little ass cheeks there and I

got to like get down and look, you know, and I'm like looking. I'm like, what do I take? I go, buddy, there's a sticker of a butterfly right on your butthole. And he turns around and he goes, I know I put it there. Oh my God. I like this guy. This guy's good. Yeah.

That's hilarious. That's what our oldest did. He goes, hey, you want to, he goes, I got a surprise. You want a surprise? And I'm like, OK. He goes, you ready? And I go, yeah. He goes, all right.

And then he just turns around, spreads his cheeks and farts and he goes, surprise. I was like, that's pretty good. Genius. Yeah. He was buck naked. Yeah. Yeah. So those times are awesome.

Yeah. And that's, you got to just like love all that stuff. I love it. I just wish there was an on and off switch. Like I wish there, like I wish I could be a parent and be fully rested. You know what I mean? Not. Oh, you want it to be a dad.

Oh, that's what. Oh, you wanted. 100%. Yeah. See, it's a lot better than you like sleep. You pretend you don't hear them. Oh, yeah. You go to work.

Oh, I got to go to work. Yeah. And I'm there 24 seven. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Do you like your house? No, I know.

That's what I have to tell myself. Like, yeah, but I got all this cool stuff. It's true. Nobody tells you that. It really is mom that, you know, raises the kid. I mean, I was working so much. I was doing these single camera shows and I was working like 14 hours a day. And it was like, it was nuts.

Yeah. And so, but that's just that. That was the deal. That's real with us. You know, all good. Kind of knew that going in. She did a good job though. She did.

Your kids sound awesome. It's a pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, that's awesome. So you're empty nesters. So like, what do you, so what happens when they leave? What do you, what do you do? You know, the other night, it was like 7 30 at night and we were playing gin and listening

to classical music and eating hard candy. And I'm like, we're like 80 years old. Except that like, you realize, oh, you didn't love it. Yeah. You got years of this ahead of you, man. I know. So we got to figure it out. Like, I think there's a lot of traveling in our future and, and that kind of stuff.

And, uh, but, uh, it's, it's different. It's an adjustment. And it's adjustment. Like my wife, like you raised three kids. That was your life for 24 years. So there's like, what is, you know, what is she going to do? You know, what does she want to do now and never? And she's like volunteering and stuff.

But, uh, it is weird and it's, and it's weird that it happened before we thought it would happen. And it's funny. I tell my, my friends, I'm like, oh yeah, my son's going to a boarding school and they're like, oh shit, what happened there? Yeah. And I know no matter what I say, they walk away and go, that kid's on heroin or something. But he's just this like outdoor hippie, like kid that found the school and just loves it

and just is thriving. I don't want to ask where it is. But is it close enough? Yeah. It's in California. It's close enough. We visit them and stuff. And, and, and he just loves it.

Like he was at this, he was at this, this private school where it's like an LA private school. And like he likes basketball, but he's not fit. Let me look at what he comes from. He's not going to be great at basketball. Right. But like he loves it. And this school he's at, it's like LeBron James's kid is there and it's just like it's a basketball

factory and there's no way he could ever play. And he goes to this hippie boarding school and like he's the starting, you know, point guard freshman year. And I watched them play and I was like, they're never, I watch them practically go, they're never going to win a game. Like they're just like all the, they're tribbling over their head and it's like the socks are mismatched and like they went undefeated because they play these other teams of these other schools and they're having a blast in the sportsmanship.

Like other people are like, they're tying the other team's shoes in the middle of a play, you know, but they're having a blast. And it's this cool school. You can bring a dog with you if you want. Oh, that's cool. There's no phones allowed. Damn, really? Yeah.

And how long, how much school does he have left? It's a, he's got three more years. He just finishes freshman year. Yeah. Yeah. So it's, it's a, it's a cool place. My oldest one calls it Amish hog warts. Oh, that's cool.

But you get him for the summer or no? Yeah. Yeah. And he's there like six weeks and then he comes home for a week and he doesn't have anything to do then and we go visit him all the time. Yeah. Like we go up on the weekends and take him to dinner and stuff. So we still see him a lot.

That's cool. That's cool. And also when he left, we were like, oh man, he's kind of fun to hang with. Yeah. He's just a bummer. I wonder if we could get our kids to do that now, like at four or six. You could get them and I could talk to somebody. Could you?

If you pay enough money, they'll take them. Yeah. All right, we'll write a check. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's how they used to do it, like in England. Yeah. You know, you just send your kids to boarding school when they're, what's like Ellis's age? Six?

Six or seven? Then when they're like 18, you're like, you're a man now and it's good to see you again, son. Like all the royals do that. Shake his hand. Yeah. Like a year. I think she might take your kids for you.

Okay. She could take them. She did a good job. But then they're fun at that. Like, don't they chill a little bit? Oh, well, it all changes. You know, there's always drama, some for one reason or another, but yeah. It's fun.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. This is fun. One day when Nick says the rooster followed him and attacked him. Nick flares up and he's doing his thing and he's trying to jump up at me. He was trying to get the animal away. And I tried to hit it, but the chicken's jumping up at me and I accidentally knocked it in the head.

You know, call it a lucky shot, whatever. But when dayfully say came home, all he saw was his rooster dead in a ditch. Oh. I said I'm calling JSO. I called JSO. JSO didn't do not. And then a couple days later, I realized I could call animal control. And in late June, James Nick's went to jail for animal cruelty.

Nick's saying, you know, he calls the chicken police on me. While the neighbors continue the fight, Nick says he never should have been arrested. They know to give it a 21 gun salute, CPR, mouth to mouth, you know, or call the chicken ambulance. Chickens are dying every day. People at churches, Popeyes and Kentucky Fried Chicken. Really. There you go.

I think this guy is a really good point. He has a good point. And roosters are mean sons of bitches. Yeah. My father-in-law has chickens and a rooster. And any time he goes in that thing, that rooster just attacks the hell out of him. Really? And he just kicks it.

He kicks it across the thing because like it's coming after him. It'll peck at you, right? Oh, it'll peck. He's a human and that's a rooster. Yeah. You're not going to let him win that fight. Yeah. I don't know.

I think I'm with this guy. Yeah. Plus I'm going to steal this for a show, I think. This is the scene out of every show I've ever done. It'd be great. Yeah. I mean, you at least have to use the line. He calls the chicken police on me.

I mean, it's perfect. It's perfect. The chicken police. The chicken police. He's not a chicken, sir, as a rooster. That might be the bra guy's brother. Chickens are dying every day, man. So good.

So good. Holy shit, dude. Felony charge. Felony, yeah. Animal cruelty. I mean, that is the name. That seems so excessive. It seems like if you tell the story of like this thing's coming at me.

Yeah, he's defending himself against an angry rooster. And what about the other guy who can't keep his rooster in check? That's another one. Like the neighbor. Like why isn't that guy, I think he should be in trouble. I'd like to be a character witness. If this guy's out there, I'd like to be a character witness for him. Yeah.

I'll go to wherever they are. I'd like to do that. Yeah. And I'm a minister now, so I have some credibility. That's true. Ask Mr. Fister and Mr. Fister. I'll have everybody come. Yeah.

They'll be my character witness. Yeah. I'm already into this show. If you saw this show, I'm definitely in for sure. Yeah, right? We should develop this and then not do it. Yeah. I think we should spend like two or three months.

Yeah. And perfect. And take meetings. Yeah, we'll take meetings. We'll get some high level people involved. Yeah. Maybe like Brian Grazier or whatever. Yeah.

What's that? Ron Howard. Ron Howard, we'll get them involved. Yeah. And then we'll just disappear. And they'll be like, we are on board with this. And we're like, great, we just got an offer today, but we got to go. That whole story, by the way, was when it was all falling apart and then you called

somebody and then they called me and they go, I think we talked everybody off a ledge. Everything's going to be fine. And then you called me and said, yeah, we're firing those people. So, yeah, that was my favorite part. Yeah. Yeah. That is what happened. You're like, everything's cool.

I was like, it's not cool. But when they try to put that stuff together, like they just do whatever they can to keep it together. Well, yeah. One of the guys was like, he goes, I go, yeah, you know, I just don't like this, this and this about it. And he goes, yeah, sometimes it's just how it goes. I'm like, no, it's not.

They'll say whatever they can. One time I ended up in a meeting with Billy Baldwin, I think to play, my name is Earl. To play Earl, my name is Earl. And they were like, he just read the script and he loves it. He loves it so much. He wants to do it. He just wants to have a meeting to, to, to convince you. And I'm like, I don't know if he's really the guy for this.

I like him. But like, yeah, if he wants to have a meeting that bad. So then he shows up and he's like, sit down. He goes, so I don't know. I don't think I'm the guy for this, but they tell me you really want me and you want to convince me. But I'm like, nah, dude, that's what they told me. And we were just like, started laughing about like these motherfuckers.

That's, yeah. And then he left and that was it. Yeah. That's, that's the, that is exactly how Hollywood works. Yeah. And they're like, I don't want to get in the room and just let them get in the room. Yeah. Yeah.

Why do they have to lie though? You know, we've had people whose management have been like, they're a big fan of your mom's house, the biggest fan ever. And then the person shows up and they have no fucking idea. That one sucks. A lot of times when they go, this person said that they would absolutely just die to be on. I go, all right.

Well, I mean, that sounds like it's like, it'll be fun. Yeah. And then they get here and they're like, what's up with the clips? And you're like, yeah. Why is this guy farting? Yeah. Like what? Did you even know?

The other one is, I had a meeting set with someone who, the agent was like, we want you to meet with this person. And I go, why? And they're like, well, and they, they brought about like some similar background things of us, like, you know, Garcia, he's, that's a Spanish last name. You have a Spanish last name. And I was like, that's why we're meeting. And then they were like, no, I think it'll be good.

And I go, okay. And then I got on the meeting with this person. It was a Zoom meeting. And he was like, so you wanted to meet? And I was like, yeah, we have similar last names. Yeah. I don't know what to tell you, man. Like I didn't ask for this either.

Maybe we could share like, I have some monogram sweaters that don't fit anymore. And then we just like, like what we'd had for lunch. And I was like, you seem like a nice guy. I don't know what the fuck we're doing. When we first met, we talked about how like we both, like I have this Madrid, Spain background and stuff. And then Christina noted that we kind of looked similar because, you know, if I take off my hat, we have like a similar look.

But then like, but I say that I look like you. Like if they left you in the dryer a little bit too long because I'm small. And then I went to see you in Oxnard and I walked up and this drunk guy turns around and he looks at me goes, oh shit, Tom got AIDS. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I got to get on stage now, man. But yeah, I have AIDS. I do have AIDS. Yeah.

That's a perfect description. That is perfect. That was a fun show. That was a fun show. I hadn't ever seen you live before. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Let me ask you this question though, because like this is the kind of shit that goes through

my head. Sometimes I get a little crazy. So like, I see like, oh, you're going to be in Oxnard. And I'm like, I don't live far from Oxnard. And I like to see him and, and like, I'm sure in LA people like are asking for tickets whatever. So I'll just, I'll go see him in Oxnard. And I was going to bring my buddy Tim, who lives around there too, but he was out of

town. And I was like, all right, well, I could bring my wife, but I kind of want to, I haven't been in Oxnard. I want to like hang out beforehand. I don't know if it's going to be weird. So I was like, I'll just go alone. But then I'm driving up to the show. And I'm like, is this weird that I'm coming to the show alone?

Like that's the kind of shit I go through my head. It's definitely not weird. Okay. Highly encouraged. Okay. Good. Good. Okay.

Good. I feel better about it. Cause I got home to my wife and I was like, is it weird? Can I tell you the only thing? Cause I went to a concert alone once and that felt fucking weird. But I think a comedy show, a movie you can do alone. Totally. Absolutely.

And a music concert, no. Personally, if it's like somebody that I know, the most, the most fun is like, like no offense to your friend, Tim, but like that I get to hang out with my friends. Exactly. Well, that's what I, that's the way I was thinking about it too, because I was just like, no, I want to hang out. I want to hang out. And then you were with Sickler.

I want to meet Sickler. We were both from like the Maryland. And we had this great hang back stage. That was great. And the funny thing is that like we were taking photos. I remember this moment. Yeah. I was a photographer everywhere.

He's like, all right, to get this photo though, I actually need this light to be here. He goes, Hey, Greg. So Greg, the show writer, producer, creator, he's like, hold this. So Greg's like our grip. Yeah. I'm holding a light. Then I got a picture of me holding the light. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I did a good hell of a job. There is no, I don't want to, but I have to go to the bathroom. Shit. So I'll just play this and then like I got to go to the bathroom. Just go take a shit. I know, but just, you know, just watch this and then I'll go to the bathroom.

All right. Hello. Are you pooping? Hello. I don't like this at all. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is.

It's a toeless foot. You can't walk with a toeless foot. Right. Wait, Greg, you can't walk. You need toes to balance out. I want to know so much about this. I want to know, I want to know where that, where the toes are. It's such a clean, it looks like a different, like it's, it's not a human.

Yeah. It looks like a, like a baby dinosaur, like one of those, like baby dinosaurs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it was frostbite. I feel like frostbite.

Can't that take your toes off that cleanly? Yeah. Does it take them all? After frostbite, after frostbite toe? Yeah. It's so smooth. I kind of want to touch it. Yeah.

See, like that's what I would think frostbite, yeah, because they turn black or you lose a couple. Do they fall off though? But to lose all of them. Maybe they dropped a rock on their foot and lost all their toesies. And from the look of everything else, it looks like they're fairly athletic. So. Yes.

So they look healthy. And then are the pants all the way off? I, that's an interesting point. That's an interesting point. They're all the way off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Why do you, so this doesn't, this doesn't make sense. Like, have you ever tried a real bidet? What? Yeah. Like a real one. So are you supposed to take your pants all the way off? Oh, my, my, my old, the house I moved into at first it had a real bidet. It had like the toilet and then a bidet next to it.

Well, finally, I've been waiting to talk to you then. Okay. So then it had both. So walk me through how do you, so then you must pull your pants all the way down your ankles. Yeah. I think you got to give me the ankles or you're going to get wet. Yeah.

Yeah. Which is a fucking chore, right? Yeah. But at least you're at home. Yeah. This feels like it's at an airport or a Wendy's or something. Like you have to be confident that you're going to make a mess if you take your pants off and you don't even hang them up on that little hook that's in there.

Just let it fall on the floor. You just put it right on the floor, but you might just be like, fuck it. I don't have toes. What's the point? That's the point. But there's something else in between. Looks like a hose. I want to say it looks like a garden hose, but I don't think it is a garden hose, right?

Yeah. Cause if you bring your own hose too, that's a lot of clean up. That's an admission. That is a lot of clean up. Do you think they can wear shoes? Are they wearing Birkenstocks? Do you wear shoes to cover up that little? You can't wear flip flops.

I know that. That's out. That's out a hundred percent. Were there any shoes on the ground? I don't see any. There was just, there was just pants. Well, I'm so happy Tom left us with this clip. It's, this is so fucking disturbing.

And then he leaves to go take a shit in the middle of the show. Have you known anybody who just takes shits in the middle of their podcast? No. No. Very rare. Yeah. If you work with somebody who's like, hold on guys, I have to stop production. Like in the middle of the scene, it's like, I'm going to go take a shit.

Yeah. They just yell cut. Yeah. I was like, Hey guys, I really have to shit. Like Chloris Leachman. It's like, ah. Bert Reynolds ever go like, guys, I have to take a shit, leave. I could see him doing it.

Yeah. I could see him doing it. When he died, I bought all his stationery. Really? Yeah. His all his stationery. So I have all his stationery and then I send letters to people from dead Bert Reynolds. Oh, I love what that's a fucking me.

What does it say? Like what does it look like? Just Bert Reynolds at the top. I have a couple of different styles and then the letter like envelopes to say Bert Reynolds on the back and then a couple like little just like note cards with his face on it. I love that. Yeah. It's great.

I love that. Or I'll send like letters like just him checking in from heaven, but as he talks about heaven, he just talks about how hot it is. And his roommate, the serial killer is always talking and Hitler is a pain in the ass, but he just, he thinks he's in heaven. It's amazing. Yeah. You're so creative.

This is how your brain works. This is what I'm talking about. It's just fun. I think you believe in fun. I think that's why I love you so much is when we pulled up to your house, I'm not going to tell people what you have in your home, but I love that there's silliness happening from the moment you pull up to Greg's house, you're like, oh my gosh, who does this? I just have those goofy old cars.

Yeah. Like a pacer. But then you even have the sign to your house. Wouldn't it say Casa de Carcinia? Oh no. It says the Hidden Hill Billies. Yeah. Everybody in that neighborhood has little signs that they put up.

Oh, I don't know that, but I just love that stuff. I think it's so fun. Yeah. When did you learn that life could be fun or did you always have this? I think I always like saw it as my duty for whatever reason to like, all right, how can I make this a more fun experience? I don't know what it is. I might have been like all the way back from just being small and being like a protective,

like, all right, I'm going to be the fun guy. I'm going to figure out how to, that's how I'm going to survive. I'm going to like, and so I take pride in like figuring out like, all right, how can I make this situation a little bit more fun? How can we have more fun with this? What can be goofy? Yeah. Like just as a kick like last two weeks ago, I wasn't doing anything and Jimmy Buffett

has this cruise. Margaritaville at sea. Wow. Margaritaville. Are you guys familiar with Margaritaville at sea? No. How is your ship? First of all, let's pause on this topic because this is obviously close to the YMH heart.

Yeah. Margaritaville. Oh, I actually have a video of me on it, but oh shit, well, son, it's in the dove. Oh, buddy. I went on it two weeks ago. You went on. How long was the cruise? It's a two day cruise.

You went on a two day Margaritaville cruise. Yeah. I'll tell you why. Oh, by the way, so what do you guys think of this? Well, we don't know. We can't figure out how the toes got cut off so cleanly, like we thought of maybe frostbite. That's not frostbite. But then is that a hose in between their legs or did someone take off their pants?

They took off their pants. Yeah. Yeah. It's so gross. And then Greg goes, it looks like they're very healthy. Yeah. It's a healthy person, you can tell. Oh, yeah.

I mean, this is a person who wakes up, kale shake, jog. You know. Meditation. Meditation. That's a hose. Maybe between their legs? I thought it looked like a hose. But Tom's saying it's pants.

Yeah, they took their pants off. You know, I feel a rumble in my tummy too, but I think it just might be from the buffalo sauce that I put on my chicken for lunchtime. You all right? I mean, no. One good. You can airdrop that. Oh, shit.

All right. Well, it's texting right now. It's almost done. To me? No, to him. Oh, okay. Okay. The number I texted when I got here.

Okay. You went on the Margaritaville cruise. Oh, yeah. Now, did they hand you a menu and they're like the slam and bam and the da, da, da, da, like all those stupid drinks? So, so here's the deal. So I wrote a. That's right.

Yeah. I wrote a musical for Jimmy Buffett. Escape from Margaritaville. I just remember this. I get a call one day from my buddy, Michael Mall. And he goes, do you want to write a Broadway musical? And I was like, what are you fucking talking about? Like, I don't even like musicals.

And Michael Mallee wrote three years from 30. I was in that play when I was 27. Yeah. He does a lot. Yeah. He does a lot of playwright and stuff. Yeah. He's a talented dude.

And so he's like, look, it's Jimmy Buffett's music. They have all the money. We can make a mint. And we just have to write. We just have to come up with a script that organically has his songs in it. Like we're going to make up our own story, comedy, and we get to his songs. I'm like, all right. I know a lot of people that love Jimmy Buffett and my wife likes him.

And like, I'm like, yeah, it could be cool. And same thing. Like, all right, I'll hang out with Jimmy Buffett. You know, why not? Yeah. And we actually went out and met him one night and I ended up in a headlock. He had me in a headlock and he was like, we're pirates, Greg. We're pirates.

Me and you. And I'm like, all right, we'll do this. Like it'll be a couple months. Five years later, it goes on Broadway. Five years. Five years. And it was cool. Like it was fun, like doing it.

And like I was on planes where it was just me and Jimmy Buffett and he's flying. And it was like, it was a crazy experience. Holy shit. Why did it take five years? That's what these things take. It's not like TV. It takes forever because you turn in a script and then you don't hear anything for eight months. Gotcha.

And the producers are working on another thing. And the producers are like, they're like billionaires of like frozen shrimp, like a wife of a frozen shrimp, tycoon and whatever. Like they're giving you notes on comedy and you're like, oh man. And then there's like a director who's like five years. I never saw him laugh. And it was, but Buffett was great. He was fun.

He was, he was, he was Jimmy Buffett. He's expecting, you know, he's flying his own plane. Oh yeah. Yeah. He flies his own plane and stuff. No shit. Yeah. Dang.

No, he's got it going on. Is he as fun as, as Margaritaville is? Like he's really that fun guy. He was fun. Yeah. He was just a chill, fun dude. And why wouldn't you be? You just kick off your shoes and you play concerts to people and everything.

And you just, yeah, he's, he's, he's a chill guy. Like one day I went, I was going out and we were having Margaritas on national Margarita day. We were meeting him for like drinks and like Beverly Hills somewhere. And my wife was like, I want to have a drink Margarita will. And I'm like, we'll write a musical. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah.

That's how you get in. So anyway, so they, so we did this thing and now he has the Margaritaville at sea cruise. And they had said something to me like, Hey, will you write a version of the musical to do a show on the ship? And I was like, yeah, I'll do that. Whatever. And then they were like, yeah, we can't do it. We can't do it.

We don't have time. And so then I saw that he and another guy wrote a show on the ship. And I'm like, okay, good for them. They just did their own show. That's fine. But then somebody sent me a clip. And I was like, that looks like that, that 10 second clip looks like our show. And I was like, no, there's no way.

There's no way. There's no way. Cause I know that people involved and it's like, there's no way they would do that. But I was like, but now I got to know. I got to know. So I just called my sister, she's in Virginia. I'm like, Hey, you want to go on the Margaritaville cruise? Like next Wednesday?

She's like, I'm in. And so we went. So we went down to West Palm Beach. You leave at like five o'clock on a Wednesday. You're in the Bahamas at nine AM the next morning. Get off the ship. You just go to the beach for the day. You get back on the ship and you're back in West Palm Beach at nine AM on Friday.

And you're off the ship. And that's it. And did you find out? Oh, it's nothing like it. Oh, thank God. It's nothing like it. No, no, no, it's nothing like it. So I knew that the first night.

So I'm like, now we're just on the Margaritaville cruise. And thank goodness my sister and I, we can just goof on it and have fun. I won the trivia contest. Is everybody that goes on that like a fan or no? No, no. No. First of all, there's like, there's a video. Oh yeah.

We have a video. This is 20 minutes before we shove off. Leave Florida. And so you see like, nobody's on the ship. 20 minutes. This is 20 minutes before we leave. Why is it so empty? That's a good question.

But this is, we're in the port and I wanted to fit in. I thought there'd be a lot of Jimmy Buffett fans. So, you know, I was, I was ready. I'm ready. I'm ready to cruise. Right. Dude. Yeah.

This is why you're the best. There was no one else. There was no one else in any Jimmy Buffett stuff. I love about this. Is that I, if I saw you, I didn't know you might be like, hey, check out this guy. And then I know that she'd be like, the guy's drunk. Yeah. Oh, people thought I was a lunatic.

But then like, I was in good company because like there's two pools on the ship. They're both smaller than the pool in my backyard, which is not big. I watched a guy with his kid. He just walked right onto the ship, took his shirt off, and then just in full jeans, just jumped in the pool. And I'm like, all right, I kind of get what this is going to be. Was he Latin American? No.

Oh, wow. No, white dude, some tats. Yeah. So, so there's, what I'd imagine it to be is you get on the boat, they hand you your parrot head. They give you a lay. They give you like flowers. Sure.

And the guy, here's the thing. So the guy that's in the, guy that's in the show, there was one guy that was actually in the national tour of the musical. I'm like, I'm in a mass, but I'm like, Oh, I'm trying to be like secretive here. I don't want to like, so I had my sister go to him and then I go to the other guy and I got past him, but then I got greedy and I wanted to send O'Malley a selfie of me and this guy say, I'm hiding in plain sight. So I take, I go over real quick.

I go selfie and he does it. I take a picture and I start walking away and I hear him go, Garcia. And I'm like, Oh no, I just keep walking. And he goes, Greg Garcia. And I turn around. I'm like, no. And then like he's hurt. He's like, you don't remember me?

And I go, no, I remember you, but no, I'm just, I'm just, you know, I'm just here with my sister. I just was being located. I was going to send you the picture in a couple of days. I thought it'd be funny. But he goes, Oh, no, I won't say anything. You're going to see the show. And I'm like, Oh, there's a show.

Oh yeah. You know. And so anyway. But yeah. And it was, it was. How was that? So you get a lay and then are there just, is there a row of blenders? Imagine like the constant blenders moving.

Constant drink pushing. You have to like buy your drink. I've never been on a cruise before. I know you guys have been on cruises. So this is the first cruise I've ever been on. And I don't think it's necessarily the top echelon of cruises. Like there's a lot of hidden costs and like they keep hitting you with different things. And I actually felt bad for some of the people.

Cause I'm like, this surprise kind of costs and stuff, but a lot of drinks, pushing drinks. And I would just keep telling like I, they walk by and they're drinking. I'm like, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'm like, this is a terrible idea. You know, I would say to the people just to get them away. I'm realizing this is not where I should have been. But they had AA meetings on the boat. Each day.

My sister found that. I think it's every cruise. Oh, it is. Oh, that's cool. I think almost every cruise offers that and some place to worship as well. Oh, wow. Yeah. I didn't see that.

You know, they would teach you how to gamble cause they wanted you to gamble. There was bingo and we sweet. We did go is actually a fucking rad time on a cruise ship. We had a good time playing bingo, but like you had to pay 40 bucks to play. And I think they collected from what I counted, maybe about a thousand bucks. And then the winner got $200. And I was like, this seems a little unfair. But the first five people that yelled bingo didn't have bingo.

So I'm like, guys, let's get it together here, man. Drunk. Just drunk. Or just stupid. Yeah. Yeah. They just couldn't. Crackers.

They couldn't figure it out. They couldn't figure it out. No, it's right here. No, you got to have. No, you got to. It's got to be connecting. Yeah. Now, do they play the song Margaritaville on the hour every hour?

Like is there a time for Margaritaville? Yeah. There's no, there's not a specific. I mean, the time for the show is every night. And then they have like a little trio band that will play stuff and they'll mix in Buffett music and other like Island music and stuff. Okay. And my sister's fun because whenever she sees somebody that's alone, because there was

people, there was people alone, she just invites them over. She wants to talk to them. We, we met this great woman Verona from the Bahamas and she was just using it as her, she's like, I don't know who Jimmy Buffett is. She was just using it as her transportation from Florida back to the Bahamas. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. Yeah.

So we had a good time. We had fun. Yeah. And Jimmy Buffett have such a fan base that he can do this, but I guess it's irrelevant. Like Margaritaville is just, it's an idea. It's a place in your mind. Yeah. And this ship was like, this is like a 30 year old ship that's been going back and forth

and doing this cruise for a while. So I think they just kind of rebranded it. And it was also Wednesday. So I'll give them the benefit that maybe they do better business on the weekend or something like that. But it might have been my last cruise. I think I got a taste of it. I'm good.

Full dose. Yeah. I went in head first and I think I'm done. Yeah. My parents love that shit so much. I mean, so much where you go. Like, don't you want to just like travel somewhere awesome and spend time there? No.

Just want to, you know, it's nice. It's all in one place. Yeah. Go to your room. My parents have been on a ton of them as well, you know. I talked to this one guy recently when I told him I was on that. And he said that he went on this cruise. Have you heard of this ship, The World?

Where you buy a condominium? On the ship? That's a great idea. It's, I looked it up afterwards and he was like, oh, I got to go on there. At first I was like, oh, I got to spend seven days with these people and blah, blah. He said it was the craziest thing he's ever seen in his life. And I looked it up. It was called The World.

Yeah. It's this thing and you buy condominiums and then you own it and then you just hop on and off whenever you want. Oh my God. We should get this for Charo. Yeah. It's, you're going to have to get her to do something really good to pay for this. How much is that?

It's, I have no idea. It has to be millions of dollars. I have to. I got to think it is. I mean, you own the condominium on the ship. That's crazy. Oh. Seven million.

There you go. What? Yeah. And this guy I know was just a guest of somebody, but like he said it was absolutely insane. Mega bigger. But if you're retired and you love him. Oh, you can start at 825. But if you're retired and you just love cruising.

You have to prove your net worth. Nice. What do you have? What? Net worth of five million. Like, so they, they make you prove that then purchase. Wow. It costs from 825,000 to 7.3 million.

Then add another 10%. That's a big spread. Like what? Like I wonder what. For annual maintenance fees and not, oh my God. These are like super primo apartments, huh? Oh yeah. It's supposed to be amazing.

So this thing just never stops cruising and then you just get on when you want to get on. Hop on and off whenever you want, I guess. This was, he hopped on France, I think. Yeah. Wow. That's such a cool thing. It's kind of a cool concept.

I like the concept. I've never heard the, you know what I mean? Like of. Oh yeah. Making an awesome. I mean like if you have so much money that you can just do that and not even think about it. You don't want to think about the, which line you just go like, oh, it's this one.

It's amazing. I have my place on there. But that's a, that's a lot of money. That's a lot of money. That's a lot of money. Yeah. And you have to like, like you said have a lot of money also really love this to invest in that.

I'm going to love that. Yeah. But just to have like, I mean just the luxury of just like walking into your own, like it's already set up. Yeah. You just like, oh, where's the ship? Yeah. Let's go catch it.

Yeah. That's so fun. But then you still have to deal with a buffet line in, right? I don't know. I don't know about this. I don't know about this. There's a buffet line on this one. I'm not so sure.

You're getting drink coupons. This is incredible. On this. No. I think you're. There's a line for the, the water slide. Yeah. There isn't a guy in the pool in his jeans in this one.

I don't think. No. That's the crazy part is like the disparity of. I would get it from my mom. Cruises. That she promised to stay on. Just never get off. You have to stay on this.

Yeah. Forever. How long? At least three years. Yeah. And you know people die on that. It's like old people. It's got to be old people that just die.

Yeah. And then they just kick you right off into the ocean. It's easy peasy. Yeah. That is. They have a shoe really open. We really should start doing that. Honestly.

I mean if you're talking about like what is projected for human living next whatever a few hundred or even a thousand years it's like look this many billions of people already lived and died and we keep burying them taking up space is like let's start shoving them into the water. Yeah. And they'll give back to the ecosystem. Yeah. They'll eat it.

Yeah. Things will eat it out there. Yeah. I like this idea because I don't want to be buried. I feel like it's a waste of space. It is. And being burned. Then they give you that your family the ashes and like now what the fuck do I do with this

brick that was my mother. It's kind of an inconvenience. I wouldn't mind being fed to to the wildlife. It's not bad. I would actually. To see my body. I wouldn't mind it before I check out like a little like as you go like it's really going to get painful now and be like fucking take me to the shark tank.

I told my wife I haven't put it in writing it but I told her I wanted to prop me up like weekend and burning styles in my AMC Pacer my 1976 Pacer and put it on a flat bed and I wanted to go across the country with it. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. I thought you were going to say off a cliff. No. I mean, ultimately maybe off a cliff.

That'd be fine. But like a little parade. Yeah. That's a good idea. I wouldn't mind doing no seatbelt just into a wall. You know. Well, hold on though. I like what you're thinking and because you're a celebrity, may I charge like a pay-per-view

for this just as a fund? That'd be cool. That'd be cool. For the kids. Might as well make a little money off of it. That's a good situation but for people can watch your death. Sure. I'll be pretty cool, right?

I'll be really pissed though if I don't die. If we, you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm not just, I mean, I'm sure the consumer would be too but I'm saying if I hit a wall at like 140 miles an hour and then they're like, mmm, bad news. That's rough. That's the worst. I had a conversation with my wife about.

You're going to need to order a bunch of straws. Go ahead. I had a conversation with my wife about death not long ago because, well, this is a bummer but that guy from the Foo Fighters, Taylor Hawkins, and he was a neighbor of ours. And she was just like, oh my God, that poor woman right now, his wife, like she's over there and like she said to me, she goes, I would have no idea what to do if you died. Like you have to write down, like I don't know where money, I don't know, like you have to write down everything I'm supposed to do if you die.

So like she made me, gave me an assignment. So I wrote, she hasn't seen it but like number one, I said, cry, you psychopath. Why do you, why do I have to like, why do I have to tell you this or whatever? And I had to go through and write this whole thing, but it's just full of jokes. I'm like, hey, cheer up. It's all right. You know, I'm trying to like talk her through it and everything. Here's the ATM code.

Yeah. And at the end I say, PS, if you believe in heaven and you ever want to see me again, you better start doing some bad shit. So hopefully it'll make her laugh. Yeah. You're not checking out soon, right? We'll see. Yeah.

Yeah. Good. I hope not. I got a lot of gin to play and hard candies to eat. Yeah. Yeah, man. Well, and also, I mean, this is more a bit of shit, but like worth mentioning, clean out your shit before, like when you're well, like when you go through a dead people stuff,

you find crazy things. My mother's doing that now. She calls it Swedish death cleaning. Yeah. She's darkest shit. My mother's darkest shit. She just talks about dying all the time. Yeah.

Like all the time she talks about dying. She's cleaning stuff out and like, I'll come and she's like, I threw out all your stuff. It's all gone. You know, I'm like, okay. I mean, I'd like to look at it, but okay. And every time I come to the house, it's just less and less stuff that she's just, I told her, I said at her funeral, I'm going to say it's a shame she couldn't be here today because she's been looking forward to this for the last 15 years, but she's super healthy.

But she's just like, yeah, this whole Swedish death cleaning concept. Swedish death cleaning. Yeah. I think my mom's going to outlive everybody. I think so too. She's got a lot of strength to her. She looks like, like, I'm not saying your mother's a cockroach, but she's got that kind of strength.

No, she has. And she has that thing too. We're like, you know, those people who, everyone is like, take better care of yourself. All this self-maintenance stuff and, you know, it's going to help. And then she's one of those anomalies where it's just like, I do no self-care. And then you go for a physical and she's going to be 78 soon. And then she's like, yeah, they were like, wow, everything's great. That's so unfair to people, isn't it?

My father's like that. I'll watch my father sit down and just eat seven Krispy Kreme donuts. And then like, I'll go out to dinner with him and he'll get a milkshake with this burger at the stand. And then he gets up and I go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm going to get a milkshake for dessert. I'm like, you had a milkshake. He goes, did I?

I said, yeah. He goes, I'm going to have another one. It's unbelievable. And he's like thin and healthy as can be. And then, yeah. Well, you've got good DNA then. Yeah. It's a role.

I'm like, look at my wife. She's like, you got to eat healthier. I'm like, look at my father. Yeah. I'm fine. You don't. Your totes fine. I said, yeah, you need to eat healthier.

It is a role of dice. It really is. Yeah. You just don't know. And look at us. We got huge dicks. That wasn't our choice. No, the dick sitch is ridiculous, you know, just average eight to 10 inches.

And yeah. I mean, that's the Latin in our setting. We showed each other at one of those pitch meetings. We were like, look at this. It was right off the bat. Right? Yeah. You were like, what are you packing?

What I'm packing? Yeah. Yeah. You got to get to know each other. I like to know. I like to smell each other's ass. Exactly. I want to know what I'm dealing with.

Yeah. Absolutely. Now, I mean, you, you listen to the show. How big is Henry Cavill's dick? What do you think his dick sitch is? It's probably pretty good, right? I think so. You know, that's the thing I think about, like all these guys that got canceled like

Harvey Weinstein and all these guys that were just taking their dick out. I mean, whatever the situation, it's always different, anything, but all I take away from it is like, they got to have some pretty good dicks, right? Yeah. To like just take them out all the time. I imagine. Like I've never thought like I'm going to use this as bait. Right.

Like, you know, like I'm going to like this is. Once people see this. See if she sees this. The room is going to change. Oh my God. Yeah. Like I'm more like three card Monty. Like I'll hide it as long as I possibly can.

Yeah. Yeah. But, but that's what I think about. Like those guys, they must, they must have a pretty good situation going on. Or are you just ready to go? I think you're just ready to go. Yeah. I mean, that could be a psychopath also.

You feel the most confident when you're ready to go usually. Or maybe it's so bad that you're like, let me just put this out here right now. You could have a humiliation. Because this could be a deal breaker later. I'm going to just throw this out here. Now you see. Yeah. That I got nothing.

It's terrible. You're built like Bobby Lee. Exactly. And here it is. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's right. Because he shows it all the time, right?

And it's not good. No, it's not good. Yeah. All right. You've changed my mind on this topic. All right. Well. I think that's why I came here today.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like that, that's the real reason. Yeah. We all learned. Greg Garcia's show, Sprung, comes out on Amazon Freevy August 19th. Don't forget you'll be able to see Uncle Joey Diaz, I believe, in the first two episodes. And dude, it's always a fun hang.

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