Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 673 - Sam Morril - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 14, 2022

SPONSORS:- Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to get $200 off ANY mattress of your choice.It's the most high and tight day of the Mom week! On this episode, Tom Segura and Christina P talk about the port-a-potty situation they're dealing with, Brad Pitt's cool nicknames, and meeting Gene Simmons from Kiss.We then welcome podcaster and stand up comedian, Sam Morril! Go check out his new Netflix special "Same Time Tomorrow" streaming RIGHT NOW! Sam and the mommies discuss consuming adult videos at a young age, being able to make something funny on stage, Magic Johnson's Instagram account, and all the celebrity wives that stayed with their husbands after their controversies went public. They talk about an episode of Law and Order SVU that Sam inspired, Tom reports on super cool CEO Dan Price, and Sam talks about getting attacked on stage. Tom talks about a charismatic waiter he had over the weekend who faked being Italian, we revisit some fun stuff from Kevin Samuels, and Sam talks about his new podcast "Games with Names" that he co-hosts with Julian Edelman. They trade stories about drinking when they were younger, the mommies share some of their kids latest shenanigans, we learn how some of our dating preferences make us terrible people, we learn about each state's preferences for cool videos, and we see what Unk Shine has been up to. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

Well, I tell you, that cookie really stuck with him. That's kind of crazy. I think the shit women have left me over. And I'm like, he cheated on you with 900 women and came back with HIV. And she's like, I'm going to tough it out. We're going to work this out. Yeah. I've had women be like, you're a bad listener and leave me.

And I'm like, that's that seems unfair in comparison to what Magic did. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. Sotva mattress company, I love Sotva. I sleep on a solar every night. I love it because the bed vibrates, it goes up, it goes down, it lights up so that you can get up and go take a pitch in the middle of the night without falling over. It's really the greatest mattress company we've ever, I've ever worked with and I've ever slept on.

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And even in our guests, when you come to our house, you will sleep on a Sotva mattress. So try it out, Sotva S-A-A-T-V-A.com slash the shit for $200 off. Ready in Khamesh, Alba, Shalosh, Stein. Welcome back to another episode of your mom's house podcast. How are you doing, Gene? Good, Gene. How are you? I'm doing great. I'm doing great. Yeah.

What was that counting? I don't know. What was he doing? He was half committed. I don't know what the fuck he was doing. I was trying to count in and then you gave quite a look and I was like, oh, OK, wrap this up and make it not as lively. Got it? Oh, OK.

I got your note and picked it up. Yeah. See? Well, you know, I got my full fill with Ari. I feel like I had enough of that vibe today, you know. Oh, the Jewish vibe. Yeah. Well, yeah. It was good to see him, though. It was good. It was. Yeah, it was fun.

And I think we're going to have this I'm I'm I'm confident or hopeful, optimistic that sober October will be a fun one this year. I hope so. You guys haven't you didn't do it last year, right? And then the year before it was kind of whatever. I think it's just like, you know, the origin of it is that we were doing it for Bart. Yeah. That he needed it. And I think we're back there.

OK. I think we're back. I think it'll work this time. It's really going to change him. Long term change. Easy. I think Bart needs a month. At least. So I wanted to bring some issue to your attention at our home. As I know, we've been building a fence for the last 15 years

since we've moved to Texas. Never quite seems to end. And we have a porta potty in front of our house so that the workers can piss and shit. The construction guys who are working on the one year, the wall, the Great Wall of China can come in and literally. So it's called the honey, the honey bucket. So the honey bucket I pull up next to the honey bucket.

That's where I park my car. I'm just listening to a podcast kind of just, you know, before I go inside, dropping the kids off at school, whatever. And I see a guy just come down our driveway, go inside the honey bucket and he's taking a shit, apparently. And I'm like, oh, the workers are here. No, no workers. It's just a guy. It's just.

But he looks like a worker, not our worker. So maybe he's working on a house somewhere else. And he's decided that our honey bucket is the honey bucket. I kind of, I mean, I feel sometimes, you know, it's OK to feel more than one way about something. Yeah, ambivalence. Well, I respect that somebody has to go to the bathroom and found a reasonable place to do it.

I also have the part of me that wants to go. The fuck are you doing? I know, same. Yeah. Because here's the deal, man, is that on my walks in California and we were there, I would often use other people's porta-potties as well, because they would be in front of their house doing construction and I'm like a mom that has to pee. And I would, there's nowhere to pee.

I can't believe I'm learning shit like this about you. What? Really? I didn't know that. And how would I know that? You've never mentioned that. Oh, well, that's in a fucking insane story. Really? Yes. Is that insane to use a neighbor's porta-potty?

It's insane to me that you're complaining that someone's using your porta-potty, but you literally did the same thing. But I'm not complaining. That's this is what this is my point, Sir Yana, is that on the one hand I want to be upset, but then I go, but I've done it to other people's. So now hold on, it brings up the interesting.

It brings an ethical dilemma. Is a porta-potty a communal toilet? By definition, it's not plumbing. It's not in your house. It is not. It is on private property. However, the intended use is for anyone. I think it leans a little more public than anything else. I mean, like, thank you.

If you see a porta-potty somewhere and you need to go to the bathroom, but we should be clear about hours. I know. Hours, you have to enter our property. I know. It's not on the street. You have to walk down our driveway.

So that's like you're entering property, right? It's clearly. I've seen porta-potties that are kind of sidewalk-adjacent. That's what I would. That's where I pee. Yeah, this is like you'd have to. You're you're coming up to our house. I know. You're you're definitely leaving the street to use it.

I know. It's very. Yeah. So it's in kind of a gray, a gray brown zone. It would be really interesting if you had stopped that guy right before I've been like, excuse. Who are you? What are you doing? He's like, I got to go to the bathroom. You like, you work here? I'll work over there.

I'm like, we'll go use that one. Fuck head. Go go piss on their property. But then also I then again, it doesn't. Like I'm not bothered by it. Yeah, because I'm not using the honey bucket. Like I'm not out there and I feel bad for it. You're not fucking poor. You're in. You have a house.

I have plumbing. Yeah. But I feel bad for any man that is working outside. It's hot. He maybe has to take his morning shit. He hasn't done that. If he was jacking off, he's like, I just want to jack off real quick. I saw you pull up.

Oh my God. I love blonde women. I just wanted to, if he told you that and I'm going to go in there and jack off to you right now. Thanks. You would like that? I'd love that. I'd charge for it, though. Oh, no, you don't think you'd get just an emotional boost from that? I've had guys jack off to me in public. That's different.

What's the difference? The difference is that that guy, no, no. He picked me. No, no. That's a violation that's trying to get you to react a certain way. Oh, sure, sure, sure. But if a guy goes, you know, I'm about to go in here. He's not showing.

He goes, I'm going to masturbate to you. You don't think that would make you go away? That's true. Yeah. It would put a kick in my step. A little bit. A little. Look, truth be told, I've been with the same gent for 17 years. I'm pretty sure you don't jerk off to me anymore.

You laughed a little too hard and too fast. I might be honored. You're right. Yeah, yeah. The gent, the gentleman was like, I find you so attractive. I saw you drop off your kids at carpool and the way your sweatpants are just clean to your your tush. Yeah.

Your hair is tousled. Maybe maybe if he said it in like a nice like instead of if if he wasn't like, I'm going to go jack my dick in there to you right now. Like that's a little like, you know, crude. What if he was like, I'm actually so worked up over seeing you. I need a moment in this thing. You know, in the toilet, in the toilet. Well, otherwise I would be in the street

jacking off all over the place in front of your other children and stuff. Yeah. Well, then in that case, we're doing a service by having the honey bucket there because all those frenzied workers, I'm sure they see me coming in and they all go in there and masturbate. They all talk about you for sure. And they're all in there, Jay, in their D's to me. So yeah, plus, you know, you're we're like the young people in our neighbor.

There's a bunch of old people in our neighborhood. So we're like, we're the hot item. Yeah, we're under 70. You know what? I'm going to start putting tissue boxes in there. Oh my God. And lotion and mirrors. You want to watch yourself, Jay, your D, right?

Probably some lotion, lotion people. I'm a dry, you know, you're a dry guy. Yeah. But like some guys use lotion. Some guys do like, what's the difference? I don't know. They like to feel the wetness of it. Yeah.

No, but okay, I don't want to know. I changed my mind entirely. Yeah, it feels good. You want to watch some guys drink coffee real quick? Yeah, sure. All right. This is hilarious. We've got this clip in.

You want to see the opening clip? Of course. It's pretty good. I think you're going to like it. Here we go. I got a, yeah, I got a view. I like no one calls me Brad because that's a, I don't know. That's like the public name.

So it's always bee or beep or biz or bees or Pizzle or, you know, something. Yeah, or pit stop. There he is. Mom's a girl. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I call him BP. Right. I call him BP. I call him pit stop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that, that clip, actually I found that and I was like, that's so funny

because you guys always talk about that. He must have been talking about you in this interview. Yeah. They're like, Hey, we heard your friends with Tom Segura. Is that true? Yeah. And he's like, Oh, Tommy, Tommy, Tizzle, Tizzle, Tuzzle. And then he's like, that's a funny nickname.

Is Tom call you something? And he goes, Yeah, all my friends, my real close friends call me BPOP. We do, we always, yeah. I never say like, Hey, Brad. Nobody calls him Brad. That's a stage name. Yeah. That's like our real friends call me Christine.

Right. Like, if you know, you know. If you know, you know. But you call me jeans and people over the years picked up on it, like jeans, jeans, and they're like, what are you calling her? Yeah. And that's been fun. Or Jean.

Jean. Singular. There was the electrician that one time. Jean. I was like, Jean, blah. And then he walked around the house and he goes, Jean, do you want power in this light here? He thought my name was Jean. Yeah, that was great.

That was really cool. I didn't correct him. I was like, Speaking of Jean, did I share this with you guys? I don't think I did. That when we were in California doing a comedy show, Jean Simmons came into the green room and I got to talk to him. That was pretty wild.

About his life as a world famous rock star and what he's learned. And it was lovely. He was really, and his son, Nick, is a huge fan of the show. So shout out to you, little homie. Yeah, Nick was great too, because he was like, he goes, Hey, you know how I was talking to him about his dad. And he goes, my dad has like two motes. He's like Jean Simmons, the rock star, and then like dad.

And he goes, he's like in dad mode right now, because he came in, he did like some street jokes to us, like some real like corny street jokes. And he's like, yeah, he's just like full dad. And he goes, my dad either over shares or he's super conservative. It's like, it's like, it's real weird. So my dad will either, he's saying like my father will either be like, yeah, you know, I banged however many thousands of women, or I'll start saying something about a woman.

He'll be like, Hey, hey, hey, enough of that. But he also said that he goes, you know, he goes, he doesn't, he can't operate. Like we've talked a lot about how when someone's so famous for so long, you just lose some sense of what reality is, you know, like, like these people that are just weird, like how McConaughey is kind of weird and how Michael Jackson these guys are just like so famous. And he's like, my dad, I was like, when did, when did he break? Like when did Kispy?

He goes, my dad was 22. Wow. That's how long. So Gene Simmons is like 70 something. So he's been famous for like 50 years. And not just famous, like world crazy rock star dress, dress up like them and paint their face like them. And yeah, it's crazy.

And he couldn't be nicer or more complimentary or sweeter. He was really, really kind. So kind. And he and I, you know, talked about what kind. I won't tell you what we talk about. Cause it's my conversation. Oh, sure. Yeah.

Which I thought was really, he was really sweet. Yeah. Look at him. Oh, what a bad ass. Yeah. And there's Nick. There's Nick. Yeah.

Handsome. 50 years he's been doing this. Crazy. I think when Gene introduced me to Nick, he was like, he's Polly and by something. And I was like, really? Are you really Polly and by Nick? He's like, no, it's just a joke. Oh, that's funny.

All right, good. No, they were great. They were really great. They came to that. That show was so fun. I was a stickler show at the comedy store. It was good to go back there. What do you got coming up?

What do you want to plug? Let me give you some butt plugs. Phoenix, Arizona, September 24th and 25th at CB. No, September 23rd and 24th. September 23rd and. It's okay. You want me to do the next one? Yeah.

October 6th, 7th and 8th. You'll be in Nashville at Zany's and then November 4th and 5th. You're returning to New York and you're doing Carolines on Broadway. And then you're doing Biloxi, Mississippi, November 18th, Parks, Castino and Ben Salem, November 19th. And then, oh, next year. You know, just that one random Chicago got moved. That's why.

Oh, okay. All right. I'll be announcing my 2023 dates pretty soon. Very exciting stuff. Um, I don't know. I'm on tour. Go to Thompson.com slash tour. There you go.

That was neat. I mean, I don't. I don't know. There's too many dates. Uh, I have some new stuff that'll be announced pretty soon, too. Some, uh, international show. Oh, will you be going to the United Kingdom, mate? Possibly, mate.

Hello. Um, all right. Quick break and we'll be back with our guest and we're back. And a quick reminder to everybody out there. You can go right now to Netflix and see Sam Merrill. Same time tomorrow. It's out right now on Netflix. Please welcome Sam Merrill, everybody coming.

Thanks for having me. Absolutely. All the way from Judoor titties. Yeah. Well, I've never heard that. I'm going to use that. Yeah. I like that.

Uh, congrats. Thank you. Very exciting. Yeah, it's, uh, I can't feel, I don't feel when good things happen. So that's a problem. You know, when something good happens, I just think of like, oh shit, I have to write a new hour now and I'm doing it and it's not that good. That's how it, yeah, that's how it feels.

Yeah. I mean, it's all, it's, I think the more you put them out, the more that feeling doesn't change, but you realize it's a familiar feeling. So like on your next one, you're like, ah, fuck, I got to write a new hour. It's not that good. And you're like, oh yeah, that's how it felt last time. Yeah. But I think it's getting worse.

Yeah. I think the, yeah, I mean, I'm starting to feel like a, like a wrestler who's like a backyard wrestler and you just got called up to WWF. I'm like, yeah, my knees don't work anymore. I'm done. It's over. You know? I always go, how would I talk about anything else?

I'm out. I mean, like, luckily I do a lot of like joke jokes, but I'm like, yeah, but those don't get better. Well, your jokes are really good. I really think you have really, really, like you're a really thoughtful joke writer. Thanks. It's really good.

And people can see it. You post jokes all the time. You post like a crowd work moments. There's so many good ones on your Instagram. Who'd you have? You just had one, I think, where you were in Orlando. Some lady was mouthing off to you about something. You'll have to be a little more specific.

Yeah, exactly. Strip mall comedy. Yeah. All right. No, someone, yeah, someone was like, I was telling a story about jacking off with my friends growing up. Yes. And, and she was like, you can't talk about that happens a lot where they're

like, I'm like, what happened to me? Yeah. You know, it's like, and it's not like I'm just telling you that happened. There's a joke coming. It's not like I'm just sharing ugly truth. Right. This is a therapy session. Yeah.

But, uh, you know, I, uh, yeah, I was talking about jacking off. By the way, I had that recently where I was talking with a woman and, uh, I was making fun of crystals and she was like, that you can't talk about that. I was like, I just did like seven minutes on the Holocaust. No objections. Crystal. That's LA. They're like, you can't joke about.

Don't joke about it. That affects me. And my chakras. So we would jerk off with your friends. Let's talk about that. Sure. Yeah. How old are you?

Well, I was like 13 and, uh, and we didn't, I didn't know it was weird. I, you know, we were like an old boys school. So we didn't know that it was strange to jerk off. Yeah. It was prison gay. Was it like, look at each other, jerk off or? No, no, no, no. I contact.

We went to the kids place whose parents were never home. Yeah. He had porn. Yeah. That's like DVD porn. We'd watch porn. It was like watching sports. And everyone would just be jacking off.

Yeah. And did you sit with an eye shot of each other? Like, or would you use kind of like hide from each other and you both, you knew you were masturbating or was it open? No, we knew it was happening. We were just used pillows to block, you know, the penis to keep it civil and gotcha. Well, that sounds very, I did the same thing when

I was 10 years old. You were jerking off at 10. I was jerking off at like six. But at 10, I was jerking off with d*** next door. And we would, he would get, he would have the Spice Channel. Wow. Sometimes it wouldn't come in. So we would just like a few seconds, it would come in and we would be like,

but we would be in sleeping bags next to each other and jerking off in our sleeping bags. And then sometimes his dad had ordered it, so it would come in. And then we would jerk off all night. Oh, that's like, that's nice. Jackpot. Yeah, we had one friend whose dad had a ton of porn and I think his parents got divorced and were like, yeah, it was probably coming.

You know, like that was, we benefited from it. But yeah, that was a lot of porn. Too much porn. Yeah. A little porn. And now you're just like, man, you just can't watch too much because you become like everyone's with these kids who like shoot up schools and stuff. They're like, well, it's not the video games fall.

We're like, well, if you play eight hours a day of shooting a guy in the face, it's probably not. That's how I've watched four minutes a day of porn. I'm like, I'm disconnected. I'm a monster. Yeah, exactly. I'm not blaming the video game. I'm just saying it's not good.

To consume it all the time. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, I agree. And you look back on like your, there's, I look back on moments in life where you're like that when I was watching too much porn, I'm like, that's not like a happy no, you're like, I was alone and depressed. Yeah, it's a coping mechanism. For sure.

You know what I'm just thinking is how girls are just the opposite. So I went to an all girls Catholic school and we did not even admit to each other that anybody was masturbating. Wow. No, it was like no denial, denial. However, when we all got sexually active, we were whores. Like by, you know, like Olivia would come to school and be like, dude, I blew my boyfriend this weekend and we were like, yeah, bitch.

Before it was cool to be a whore. Now it's cool because they held you guys down for so long that when it when it came out, it was like a beautiful butterfly. Yeah. Yeah, we shared with each other, but, but masturbation is still very taboo with girls. How funny. I don't know. Maybe this generation is way different.

I think this generation is different. They're completely open now. It's hard. I mean, they grew up, like I was jerking off the pictures of Jennifer Love. He would smile. These kids, yeah, they, they, they're so spoiled. You know, if I got a cleavage, I know what you did last summer scene. I was like, oh my God.

I mean, I remember renting wild things was like the hottest thing as a kid. And now it's like, these kids are like, well, it's going to, it's going to fuck them up. You can't start with like the kinky shit at like 14. No, it's too crazy. Yeah. The, uh, we see play. We find my friend's dad had playboys and we're like, this is the fucking hottest thing ever. And now, you know, we have like friends who date much younger women and they've

told me they're like, these women are absolute animals. I'm like, why? They're like, cause they grew up on porn. They grew up on hardcore porn. So they're, these are guys that are dating like 24 year olds who are like, spitting on their dicks. I'm like, yeah, that's pretty wild, man. You're like, you want to sign me up?

I'm like, this is fucking, that's the problem. That's who wants to date comics as much younger women because they, they think this lifestyle is cool. Yeah. Anyone with their shit together is like, ew, you don't have a bed frame. I'm like, yeah, I don't know. I mean, but I just stopped using a Dwayne Reed bag as my garbage like two years ago. I don't have my shit together.

But yeah, only younger women, but I'm not really any younger women. I don't, I don't, it's never been a thing for me. Yeah. You like women your age or. Yeah, or older. I, that's the thing is, by the way, if you date older women, people act like you're a fucking hero. It's unbelievable.

I know. They really do. You know, you're like, oh, you're not a pedophile. Believe me, I'm a great guy. I've been with one for a while and I'm way older. But you have a good point, Sam, because when I met Tommy, he had a mattress on the floor. He didn't even have soap in his shower. He just watched his whole body with shampoo.

It's the same shit. It is the same shit. It's just so relate to this. But I was so young, too. I was like 20. What? How old are you? You were much older.

I was. You answer so cold. But you have to be to, to get into that, that comedic lifestyle, I guess. Well, you're out. The difference is that you're also a comedian. And I liked you for you. That's the thing is I could see past all those red flags. OK.

So, so are you dating anybody? No, no, no, no, no, no, you're not getting that roadbeave. Oh, roadbeave. I mean, no roadbeave. No, I not even really. It's like I like I push out like I'll like almost do it. And I'll be like, nah, I don't want to. Why?

Because I just sometimes I'll just be like, well, when I come, will I be miserable when this person's here? That's kind of what I think about. And also, I just, you know, I'm at the point now where I'm like, I need sleep. Yeah, I never sleep. Yeah, you know, it's like happened, but it's not. Is most of that like I always wondered this. Is it like post show you're hanging out?

Is that how that evolves? Yeah, I don't really hang out. So maybe it'll be like a DM or something. Yeah, but I don't. Yeah, I don't really hang out. I'm not really I'm not really doing that. But yeah, I mean, it's happened. I'm not I'm not like actively pursuing it just because it's like.

Yeah, but coming up next is that Netflix. That's going to be just. I like how he's like, how do you meet these girls? Asking for a friend. I'm just curious. I can't be curious. How does it work? I don't know how it works.

I also don't know how fucking change of transmission on a car. I mean, how does that work? Well, you're asking the right person. Yes, I know a lot about the car guy. No, I know, dude, yeah, it's I've gone on dates and stuff, but it's like, I'm just kind of disconnected. You know, I'm not really I'm not really there. Yeah, what do you mean? Why?

Well, I had a break up in like February and I'm just not I'm not ready to date. Got you, got you. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. You're waiting till it's, you know, yeah, appropriate for you. Well, this got serious. I'm sorry. No, I think that's I think there's like not a laugh. I'm like, what happened? No, even therapy.

I'm trying to get laughs. I'm like, come on. I like I like when it goes to real places. I asked my therapist. I'm like, does anyone else like take joke ideas down in therapy? And he goes, no one. And I'm like, and I thought that was like a good. I thought like, wow, I'm like, I'm always working.

He's like, no, that's like not good. It's not good. You got to like be a human for a second. Yeah, it's so not good. And like, I'm just now realizing at 46 years old how mentally ill I am. You're forty. I know. You look amazing.

Thank you. I didn't thank you. But but like the older I get, I'm like, wow, I'm so mentally ill. Like I because of my detachment from like my struggle to feel emotion and to stay in there and not turn it into a joke or turn it into something. Like it's kind of weird. I imagine other normal like non-communians probably have an easier time of it. Well, I think a lot of people shut down for different reasons.

But with us, it's like there is money if I think of the joke. Like that's true. I'm like, if I turn this into something that leads to money, you know, incentivize to shut it down. Yeah. So I yeah, I shut it down. And I'm like, if I'm too connected to something, that's when it's not funny. So if I keep just enough distance, like I can make it funny. That's so true because the audience can tell when you're too connected.

Oh, my God, you're angry or you haven't grieved or whatever. They can tell it's not funny yet. Yeah, I keep I keep doing this joke every fucking night about like it's real mean about my mom and it never. I love your mom, by the way. I love when you do videos with your mom. Oh, yeah, it's fun. She seems awesome.

But but the feelings are there. And yeah, yeah, they're all like, OK. And I just kind of go, you know what I mean? And everyone's like, because she's a cut, right? Wait, we don't know your mom. Well, you see those comics sometimes with the guy who just hates his wife and then you're in the crowd and you're like, your wife sounds all right. I don't know. Yeah, I think that's what it is.

Everyone's like, I think your mom was probably nice. And you're talking so much about her. Well, you're the guy in your book, who's like the fat guy with a lot of confidence. He's awful. Yes, he's awful to women. But it works. And you're just yes, you're like kind of jealous of this guy. Yeah, yeah, I get that. We were like, oh, man, to just be that stupid is a gift. Yes. That makes you like you're way happier, probably.

Delusion is total delusion. It's like my friend who beat cancer. He was so delusional. I swear, I believe this. He had stage four cancer. Oh, my God. And they were like, this is a death sentence. He is going to die and he's going to die soon.

And you would look into his dumb eyes and he would be like, I'm going to beat this thing. And you were like, no, you're not. And he's cancer free like six, seven years now. Oh, my God. They call. They think he's a miracle. And I think it's because he's so dumb. Yeah, he didn't realize how close to death he was. That's like Magic Johnson, when he got HIV.

And he was like, I'm going to I'm going to beat this. Literally everyone was like, you're not. And then it was like, oh, you're that good? Yeah. You're that competitive? You fuck you took down AIDS. It is. And I also think here's the thing about him. Big I'm a big fan. Yeah. He's kind of stupid.

He have you ever seen his Instagram post? It's the greatest Twitter is my favorite. But his tweets are literally like a good game tonight from Steph Curry. And I'm like, that's the insight you're giving us. Yeah. His his his Instagram is the best because he's on vacation. Whenever he's on vacation, he does like, you know, he's worth like eight hundred million dollars. Yeah, he owns all those movie theaters. Oh, my God, he owns so much shit.

And so he does these elaborate vacations in Europe. And like, I mean, like on yachts. And he'll be like, oh, my God, Cookie and I had fish tonight. Babe, it was so good. Here we are in a beautiful town of Panaria, Italy behind us. It was a thrill for us to see an active volcano today. It's like a fucking fourth grader wrote about their trip. Tramboli is one of those active volcanoes in Italy on one of the eight.

Oh, I mean, like, like somebody told him my God. And then he just typed it out. It's like a book report. Go scroll to the next one. Cookie and I at La Teatro Antica, a theater built in the third century, BC, Sicily, exclamation point, literally a book report from it from like an elementary school. The best is if he actually scroll, go to the next one. He wrote an essay on that.

Go scroll down, scroll down, scroll down. Like whenever they eat, it's like, go up, go up, go up. That one where there's like four, five. I bet you they just ate there. Get that. Look what Cookie and I ran into at dinner in Capri last night. Our friends lose a dish. OK. All right.

Who the fuck knows what you're talking about? Dude, it's amazing. Well, I tell you, that cookie really stuck with him. That's kind of crazy. It is. I think of the shit women have left me over. And I'm like, he cheated on you with 900 women and came back with HIV. And she's like, I'm going to tough it out. We're going to work this out.

Yeah. I've had women be like, you're a bad listener and leave me. And I'm like, that's that seems unfair in comparison to what Magic did. But also, you knew I was a bad listener by like date, too. You know, that was a much more of a curveball. This is a real curveball. Yeah. Cookie and I. That was a death sentence in the age of it was crazy. I think that's what most people it wasn't. We were all also like, I can't believe this.

And we were also in the moment going, oh, this guy's about to die. Yeah. This guy's going to die soon. Yeah. And here we are fucking 30 years late or whatever it is. Right. And then he's he was the greatest. He really was. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I just also thought that Camille stayed with Bill. We had a nice dinner tonight at Rista Rante puny. Oh, my God.

Yeah. She stayed with Bill Cosby. Yeah. At a certain point, you just tough it out. I mean, there was that whole 30 for 30 podcast, Donald Sterling, you know, who owned the Clippers on tape, saying all that racist shit. And his wife stuck with him at the end. Like she was going to leave. And then she's like, I mean, I'm 84. Yeah. What am I going to do?

At a certain age, I think you're all like, what's Camille going to do? What's she going to do? Go on, Raya. You know, it's like it's you got to stick it out at a certain point. It's probably just like technical marriage at that point. You're just like, all right, you know. And also, I think Bill is probably terrifying behind closed doors. Oh, yeah, that's right. He's probably like, listen, bitch, I didn't even think about that.

But he probably was like threatening her and stuff. Yeah, he probably wasn't a nice guy at home, Tom. I don't know. I don't know. I think he seemed pretty nice in the Cosby show. I don't know. I don't believe that he's. You really believe that I'm out there raping? There is. Is he in jail now? No, he's out. He's out.

He's out. He's out, but there's new lawsuits and everything. Oh, cool. What's up with my wonky ass? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. It's terrible. Yeah, he's not a good man. No.

That's crazy that people that are, you know, wholesome as hell. Hello, friend. He wore that on stage for like the last couple of years. Oh, my God. Before he went in. Damn. Yeah, it's really. You really got to compartmentalize yourself to wear a hello friend shirt. After all that. Well, also to unconscious women,

you got to compartmentalize things in your head for that. That takes some real. I mean, what? Yeah, I don't know. I guess he's a I mean, yeah, you you compartmentalize. You think what you're doing is OK, obviously, right? Yeah, you OK it for yourself. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I look, I'm a hypocrite. I definitely have.

Yeah, I look up a bunch of people and they but I wear a hello friend shirt. So I think it's cool. And that's that's going to be the clip that you cut off from this. I'm like, I'm a lot. And then it's going to be that little sound effect at the end. And then it goes to do some real. You know, it's great.

I did a I mean, years ago, I got in a lot of trouble. I told a joke on like stage and it turned out like a hit piece from like salon dot com and Jezebel and all this stuff. And they did a law and order SVU. And I feel like it was about that all those articles, because it was a guy who was trashing me, who was an SVU writer. And it's because I fucking loved SVU. Oh, really? Yeah. And then there was an episode like that.

Yeah. Jonathan Silverman played a comic who went up at the comic strip, which is where I worked at the time. And he's like just telling jokes. And then it was like, it turns out he's also best. I'm like, wouldn't it be a better hook if he got framed or something? Yeah, yeah. But now so that there could it could be different. But you inspired it's probable that you inspire an episode of SVU.

I think so. Yeah. And it sucks. Because like, dude, a huge crush on Mershka Hargitay. And she's just like, looking at the guy like, you disgust me. I'm like, come on, this sucks. Man. Yeah. That's fucking. What are you going to do? Yeah. So they really they got really upset.

Yeah. That writer, I remember, was like this guy, like he was trashing me. That's when you know you're doing something right, though. It's not so fucked up in this field. Yes. Like if you really have upset somebody, it's like you're doing something right. Isn't that weird? Yeah. And you're going to you're going to piss people off. It sucks when it's a show you like.

Of course. You know, but I mean, it's been on 30 years. They need episodes. Yeah, they need ideas. And so that guy showed up one day to like the pitch. And he's like, you know, this piece of shit, San Maril. How about we do an episode on this? That was the worst part is like all the articles were like a no name comedian.

I was like, you're going to insult me and fucking trash the joke. Every article was like, although he doesn't have a national audience. Oh, my God. I was like, then why are you writing the article? Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. And then and then they would like and then it would like turn into a bigger piece about Tosh, then they would like turn into like a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, because he was getting hammered for a minute about certain jokes too. I forget. Yeah. I mean, whatever. Yeah. You're right. Once you're when you're pissing people off, you're kind of like on the right track. Yeah. Yeah, you really are. How can they go after Daniel Tosh for for inappropriate humor? That's his whole brand. I know because they were for them, they're even there was a line.

He was allowed to be inappropriate to an acceptable degree. And then he would cross the line, the imaginary line. And then they would get upset at him for that. Cool. Yeah. Yeah, it also was like, you're in a club, you're working stuff out sometimes. People will just you don't you don't think that's we're going to get in trouble. Like, if it's in a Finnish, you know, special or something, that's one thing. Yeah. When people are mad that you're working out a joke in a club.

But I remember she was pissed and I saw the joke. Right now, I was like, yeah, it still kind of holds up. Yeah. Even in text, structurally, it's all right. You're the joke. Yeah. I said I was so I was like sleeping with a black chick. And while we were doing it, she gave drop in the N word. She was like, no, and then and then I pause. I'm like, you guys were scared I was going to say the N word.

And then everyone was like, thank God, Joe. So that was like the turn. It's a joke. I probably wouldn't tell now. That's a great joke. At the time, I was kind of like, whatever, you know, that's a great. And she was like, he's a monster. I'm like, well, clearly it's made up. You think I'm and then Cosby's doing clean shit and everyone's like, he's a great guy.

And then I'm like, no, he rips. That guy. So that is that's manufactured out. That's a great joke. That's a great joke. It's also like you got no one ever takes intent into account. And I'm like, clearly, the intent is to make people happy. Well, yeah, but, you know, we were just having this conversation with Louie here a few weeks ago about the idea that, you know, when you go to a comedy club or a theater, you go to see stand up,

you are you there's an unspoken agreement that we're in here to have this fun. Right. This fun is like the game that that somebody who's skilled is going to do that. And you're you're enjoying the laughter in the moment of that, which is like you playing with those words. And the and you're not saying that shit in real life. You're not sitting somebody down and being like, isn't this great? You're doing it in the context of a comedy show.

Exactly. And also, it's like I don't I'm not just going up there like, let me piss someone off. That's not the vibe. It's a clever joke, though. Yeah. And there are people that do that. And I never wanted to be one of them. I want to be someone who's just like the I hate the idea of like, I'm going to offend you. It's like, no, I'm going to make you laugh. Yes. The idea.

So whenever whenever people get pissed, you're like, hey, guess what? I saw the joke didn't hit. I feel shitty that it didn't hit. Yeah. You know, it's like when you get like grounded in school and then detention school and then you come home and your mom's like, you're grounded. You're like, I already got detention. Yeah. I already got the punishment. Sure. You know, yeah. Well, the audience lets you know.

They let you know when they laugh. Yeah, they do. They've let me know that the shit I'm saying about my mom is just not working, but I haven't been able to give it up yet. I love that your mom just eats chicken tenders every meal. That's fucking amazing. And fries. And we'll take her to like the nicest places. Do you have a fries and rice? And they're like, yeah, this is a Michelin star French restaurant.

Literally, we took her on your birthday to a Michelin star. Yes. Multi course extravaganza. Crazy. And hated it. Do you have fries? And we don't make French fries here. Do you have rice? Sure, we can whip up some rice. And literally she would go like, and then she would go.

Do you ever run the do you ever tell the jokes to your mom before you do them on stage or no? No, no, I haven't. I've just. She's she's hit me up. You know, she'll watch something. She'll be like, you know, you are funny, but you are absolutely disgusting. She goes to talk about the porno and F and everything is F. Why can't you be nice?

That is annoying when like I also don't like when people like you had like two porn jokes in that that's what Netflix sent me. They're like Sam Arrell in the in the bio for the special was like Sam Arrell talks about porn and other things. And I'm like, there were a lot of other things. A lot of sound like I jack off all the time. Yeah, let's rewrite that bio. Yeah. I know who the fuck is writing those sometimes.

You're like, it's a tough gig. Here's the thing. I have come to this conclusion after the years of being involved in this. I don't know that there's such thing as a good stand up trailer. Those are just one joke. That's the way to do it. I don't like I don't like the trailers. The trailers look. It's a lot of weird like poses to the camera. It's a lot of like, you know, and you're like, what?

I don't know what that I don't know the guy. Why am I watching this? And they're going to they're going to cut so much in it. And it's going to be like, let me tell you something else, cut. And then like all these weird cuts and they're like. And then they're like, November 1st. And you're like, that's a terrible trailer. Yeah, I never like that.

It's just like, just keep it simple. Yeah, I don't want to waste anyone's time, you know. Yeah, it's. So I have a we profile cool guys sometimes on this show. Oh, nice. So this I'm flattered. Yes. This guy, well, this is a new story

that I think will paint him in one light. OK, so here's the here's the story. The story of a CEO who made a stunning announcement on employee pay. Dan Price is his name. He raised the salary of everyone at his Seattle credit card processing company to at least $70,000 a year, at least people that are making less than that.

There's an emotional cost that they have every single day. And you only get to live once. And so those are days that are lost in terms of being able to really live a full life. So I'm reducing my salary from a million dollars a year to about $70,000. I want to be a part of the solution to inequality. In this country.

And so if corporate America also wants to be a part of that solution, that would make me really happy. It was a beautiful story on so many levels. Gorgeous. The Cool Guy Club. So that is like, I mean, that's a very flattering piece. Very altruistic man. Now, according to the New York Times, in October of 2015,

his former wife, Christy Cologne, described the relationship as abusive, saying, he got mad at me for ignoring him and grabbed me and shook me. He started punching me in the stomach and slapped me across the face. She recalled once locking herself in her car, afraid he was going to body slam me into the ground again, or waterboard me in our upstairs bathroom like he had done before. Holy shit.

In April of 21, three months into their relationship, Casey Margus met Price in Palm Beach. After an argument, she returned to the hotel room, which took a cannabis edible price return and tried to initiate sex. No, I just took an edible. I'm going to bed. As she drifted to sleep, she felt him penetrate her. She pretended to be asleep, worried he would kill her.

Another girlfriend said he would invite young women. He met on Instagram to join them on his yacht, and she felt expected to entertain them three times. He had sex with her in the middle of the night without her consent. Three times. In December of 20, Price began seeing Serena Jowers on their third date. He pulled up videos on Pornhub to show her what he liked. After she resisted watching, he pressured her into having sex.

She realized he was touching her only with only one hand, then saw him holding his phone. He was recording them. She jumped and grabbed the nearest blanket and yelled at him and fled. In January of this year, he had dinner with Shelby Hain at a restaurant. Her Uber app wasn't working. He suggested they stay warm in his Tesla as she downloaded it again. Sitting in the front seats, he tried to kiss her and he grabbed her.

He did not let go of my throat. He transformed. She said Price sped north driving her to a park and ride. He raced up to the top floor of the parking lot, drove the car in doughnut circles and pulled into a spot, his hand pulsing in out for four minutes. And then he let go. I'm too drunk. Miss Hain recalled him saying as he went back to the seat to pass out.

So, Mr. Price. You get the guitar riff. She's a cool story. That guy, first I knew he wasn't making 70 grand a year when I saw that haircut. That's a rich guy haircut. That's a rich guy haircut. This is a $20 haircut right here. That's a fucking rich guy haircut.

Yeah, Dan Price. Isn't that interesting that people compensate in other areas of their life? Like, he knows he's a piece of shit. Yeah, he does have great hair. And then he'll do the great haircut. It's like wearing the hello friend sweater. Like his whole, I'm going to give you guys 70 grand or whatever. That's his hello friend.

Is that hair? The hair too. That's a really good haircut. And being like, I'm going to reduce my pay so much. Yes. Yeah, he looks, he's kind of like, yeah, that's like rock star hair. It is rock star hair. It's phenomenal hair.

It might be part of his defense in court. He'll be like, look at my hair. One for Johnny Depp. You know what I mean? You have cool guy hair. That's, that's 70 grand. So he went from a million a year, but he's got a Tesla, a yacht. And he's taken women out all the time.

I mean, this is before he reduced his pay, I'm guessing. Oh, OK. And he's like, let me get some stuff first. And then I'm going to reduce my pay. Well, the worst part is his wife tries to leave him now. She's not even going to get that much in the divorce. Yeah, that's because he killed his salary. Oh, right.

Yeah, stupid. Damn. Maybe if she would have put out, stop taking edibles before I want to fuck. Yeah, let him fuck when he wants to fuck. He fucked her three times when she was unconscious on edibles. Damn, yeah. He's an animal, a voracious lover.

Yeah, or an a voracious lover. Oh, a voracious lover. I don't know if I would summarize him that way. I just really wanted to. I mean, I think it's a kind of a compliment to be like, he's such a voracious lover. She's got to switch from like Sativa to Intica, or whatever, whichever one keeps you up.

I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, wow. Gosh, you've never done that to me, have you? I'm just asking. You can't be that good if she doesn't wake up. That's a good point. That's true.

If you're just fucking a passed out person from just weed, I feel like she's not like she's roofied, right? Right, like Cosby would have roofied them. Yeah. He would give them actual, this is like a pill that's a knockout, right? Like almost like anesthesia. Yeah.

But this is an edible, I mean. That's not that much, right? I mean, I guess, I don't know. I guess it depends on the milligrams. Yeah, I don't, I can't do weed. No. Have you had edibles? I hate it, man.

I'm like, when I smoke, it's like I have, it's like I hear voices in my head when I do it. And they're just telling me, if you look at a party in your head and all the worst people showed up, you know what I mean? Like everyone's just like criticizing you. That's what it feels like, you know?

Yeah. It's the worst. I go, one time I accidentally took too much of the liquid kind. Did I have like rolling panic attacks all night? Tom had to talk me down and like, I'm like, I don't like it at all. Jesus.

I don't like it. Me too. Yeah, you don't like it, right? I don't like strong. I like a real mild edible. And one time I got mega dosed one time by a dear friend. And then Mike Cronin took the same dose and he was like, oh, I'm fine.

And I was like, really? And then the next day he goes, oh, it kicked in like 40 minutes later. He goes, I spent the night in the hotel bathroom next to the toilet on the floor, like on the porcelain floor. And he goes, I just kept telling myself, don't jump off the balcony.

Like that was like, don't jump off the balcony, don't jump off the balcony. And then he said he drove four hours the next, so it's the next day. He's like out of my mind, drove to my parents' house. He goes, and I got there at dinner time. And he's like, I just had dinner and went to bed. And he goes, my mom texted me like, are you okay?

You didn't speak much. He's just like, I'm tired. I had to block my mom on most social media. Cause sure. First off, the other day I forgot, I didn't know my mom's on Twitter. I texted like jokingly or tweeted jokingly something about like a,

some Bitcoin thing keeps tagging me and stuff. So I just wrote, how about you guys suck my dick? That's what I wrote. And my mom said, someone hacked your Twitter. And I was like, yeah, I got hacked. That's what happened. That's not me. And then I, one time I was in Vermont and I got a,

this is when I had to block her on Instagram stories. I was in Vermont and some guys smashed a pint glass over my head. What? I was in a bar. I was like, yeah, I was with this kind of Carmen Legala. And we were, she's from there. So she's like, this is a cool bar.

So we went in there and some guy walked up to me and he was like out of his mind clearly. And he goes, he's just messing with me. He goes, I could tell he's drunk and shit, but he walks up and he's like, university of Vermont. And I said, no. And he goes, master's degree.

And I said, you're getting colder. And then he, he goes, I'm going to beat the shit out of you. And I was like, all right. And I kind of turned away like whatever, takes a pint glass, smashes it over my head. And yeah. And I was like, oh boy. All right.

And then I kind of, I kind of get up and with a few other people. And he like stares me down and then runs and they call the cops and then the cops showed up. And I'm just trying like, I'm like, what do I do? I'm like, oh, let me make this funny. So I take like an Instagram story with the cops. And I'm like, three more shows

in the Vermont comedy club, you know? And my mom sees it and she goes, you got assaulted. And I'm like, oh yeah, you follow me. I didn't know you followed me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I had to like, I was like, I'll block. I'll block my mom. Oh shit, that's fucking crazy though.

Crazy. True story. As he was running out, I said, you all heard him call me Jew boy before he did it. And they said, he didn't. I was like, all right. He didn't really do that. I was trying to, he was a therapist, the guy.

What? They got him. Yeah, he was a therapist or fucked up. What? Wait, what? Yeah, yeah, he was a psychiatrist. They called me and they were like, do you want to press charges?

I'm like, well, do I have to come back? And they were like, yeah, I'm like, no, I'm good. You know? And then they said, well, he's going to lose his license for five years for doing that. Yeah, that's weird to give people advice. When you're, he was blackout drunk and he was trying to, I guess he was getting a divorce

and his wife was leaving and whatever. So he, you know those drunks where they just want to get hit. So I think that's like why he attacked me because he was hoping I would beat the shit out of him. He didn't count on me being a pussy. But I did have like a tripod with me that was metal and I thought about hitting him. But the other part of my head was like,

then I'm going to get in shit. And also, does this guy have a gun? I'm in fucking Vermont. Sure. So talk about like all, like he's going through all that. And then on top of that, he's losing his life. So like now he's like, I can't do it. He went for the cops gun.

I found out. Wow. Cause like he wanted to get shot by the cops. So it's like, you know, he was like, really? He didn't count on being a white guy. But, you know, his white privilege really fucked him over in that. But he just talked him down.

Don't reach for my gun. Don't reach for my gun. You have the gun, give it back, please. You can get in a lot of trouble for taking my gun. No, but so he, yeah, he's in shit, but whatever. I mean, it's also that thing where you're talking to your friends and they're like, don't go to sleep. Just try to stay up for like five hours.

Cause, you know, you don't know how bad, it was probably like a mile concussion. Wasn't that bad. I have a big poofy Jew for her. So like luckily. That's also not true. We've learned in recent years, when we were kids, the whole thing was if you have a concussion, stay awake.

And in the last couple of years, they're like, that's not true. You can go right to sleep after. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. What does it feel like to have a pint glass shattered on your head?

That fucking had to hurt. You know, it was probably better than a bottle where he would have had more grip. Cause he kind of like, he used his hand. So his hand was bloody too. Oh, right. And I had like some shards of glass and like my neck and stuff.

Was this upon walking into the bar? Like you just ended? No, we were sitting, we had like probably a beer. And then he came over and just started shit. What'd he look like? He's kind of like a meaty looking guy. And he was like, you know, like it looked like a woodsy Vermont guy, but you know,

you get Vermont's a weird place. That region is, people are very different. It's beautiful. It's a Burlington's a beautiful city, but it's... I feel like Maine is like that. When you're in Maine, you're aware of two things. Like I was, I've been to Maine now like five times. Whenever you're in Maine, right away you're like,

oh, they, like when you meet someone who's local, you're like, yeah, they're from here. And you also sense that they know immediately that you're not from there. Like it just feels like they pick up on, you don't have to even say anything. It's like the way they address you and look at you is like, you're not from Maine.

They just know. Yeah, there's a vibe. And there's also, you get those kind of like hippie-dippy Burlington people. That's one type, yeah. Like white, it's just like your bit though, the white people with dreadlocks, you know? But then also the, but then you also get those kind of

like woodsy, like, yeah, I'm fucking packing heat. That type of Bernie bros in there. And you're like, all right, I mean, you don't know what you're gonna get. Sure. Bernie attracts a wide range of people. Sure. He really does, you know what I mean?

So, Burlington's beautiful, but yeah, I've had, that was a weird, that was a weird night. Yeah, that's why I had to block my mom. So you bled a lot? A little blood, not that much. And did you have to go to the emergency room to get the glass? I didn't go.

No, I just was like, whatever. Were you bleeding pretty well? Not much. I just had some glass, like, you know, but really like my hair kind of helped a lot there. Yeah. Just having like, I have thick ass Jewish hair. Yeah.

Yeah, can I tell you something? I had that dumb thought when you first said it, you were like, a pine glass hit my head and I go, oh, but he's got that nice hair. I bet you a cushion, the blow. It cushioned it a lot, but yeah, man. I mean, what's going through people's mind? You just like, you don't expect to get just like

blindsided, but also like nothing really that bad happened. No, and I'm glad you didn't hit him back because it sounds like he was not right in the head. I could sense something was wrong. It wasn't like, if it was just like a sober dude. That's different. But what's sober dude is doing there? No, they're not.

No, he wasn't in his right mind. People just freak out sometimes. You're not listening in the classroom. Okay, so if you're not listening in the classroom. Well, if you're not taking time to do my order, like I'm still trying to order, you're still trying to like, kind of come here. Long girl, no.

You're not listening. You're not listening to your order, okay? Because you don't know how to fucking listen. Do your fucking job. Like, come the first time. Oh. I've wanted to do that so many times. Of course.

And you won't have problems like that bitch. Bitch? Seriously, listen to that time, bitch. Yeah, that's what's up. How much have you wanted to rip down all those stupid cookies and bars? Like, I've fought the impulse so many times. Because who's buying them?

It's like, oh, shit. Who's buying coffee mints? Just get some denteen or something. Who's at Starbucks buying that? Did you see that Starbucks is going all cash too? What? Yeah. All credit, I mean, rather.

Oh, that's crazy. You can't do cash. I was like, what the fuck are homeless people supposed to do? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Right, that's crazy. Well, it's a finally a good way

to get rid of them, I guess. Yeah, they are hogging those bathrooms. Yeah. Since the beginning. But they should, in all fairness, build more bathrooms than Starbucks. There's always one stall. And then they serve people cups of bowel torture.

It's essentially like, you're gonna shit when you come here, but then they only give you one stall. It is like a shit store. It's like, you wanna take a shit? Come here. Yeah. And then they're just like, there's one and there's a code. Yeah.

Or it's out of order. A lot of order. Or there's a code and there's gonna be a lot of other people here who have to shit just like you do. Yeah, it's so unfair. It's gonna be a disaster in there. And how angry do you get when there's a long line and someone's just taking their time?

Oh, yeah. You gotta take a quick shit. Oh, you do? You gotta take a bird poop if you're in Starbucks. Yeah, it really is. And sometimes it's like, oh my God. And then as you turn, as you turn to shut the door, you see the people who are like.

I know. There should be a light on the inside that lets you know if people are waiting. It's quick, man. I agree. Well, usually that's the handle jiggle, right? Cause I do it just to let that fucker know. Like, hey dude, I'm here for you, I'm waiting.

Don't you do that? Let him know. Let him know. Give him a little fucking oopsies. I've done the thing where it's like, you go, you check, oh it's locked and you stand back and then like a minute goes by and you do it again.

It's clearly still locked. But then like on that third one, you're like, hey, are you fucking serious right now? Any decent person that lights a fire under their ass and you quicken up that poop. But I mean, I admire the sociopaths who are just like, nah, I'm still gonna, I'm just gonna wait this out. I'm reading this shit.

I'm reading this shit right now. I've gotta finish reading this. Now I will tell you, I've been both of Barista at Starbucks and I worked at Bookstar in Woodland Hills and I had to clean the toilets at both jobs. Oh my God. Like you eventually you get on rotation where like you have to do it once every month or whatever.

By far the bookstore had the nastiest toilet. I don't know what it is. Cause they could take the books inside. Oh, you're right. So they're taking their time. You're right. Cause the Starbucks one was horrendous always. There was always shit splatter everywhere

but the bookstore one, people just pull out the seat cover, throw it down shit everywhere, piss everywhere. You're right. It's the leisureliness of the books. It is. Fuck. I love that place though. Still addicted.

Starbucks? I'm still into it. Yeah. It's consistent like Brody Stevens would say. You know what you're gonna get? Yeah. Yeah. Something about each other.

Although if I ever see a mom and pop type of coffee shop I'm much more into it but. In New York you guys have the fucking, so many good coffee places. I feel like everywhere now. I feel like everywhere, every city you go to has got one. One I get real pumped for is in Grand Rapids, Madcap. Really?

You ever go there? Classic. I've been to Grand Rapids. I was just in New York and I went to La Colombe which I love that their coffee's fucking top notch. Good coffee rules, dude. I do the grind and brew, I make it at home. It's like my ritual in the morning

that you hear the beans getting grinded up. Oh, it's like the best. That smell. That smells so good. I have to tell you, this has nothing to do with this but this happened to me and I appreciate it so much as we went to an Italian restaurant this past weekend. I won't say where but like a good Italian place

and we get brought to the table and the guy comes over and he has like olive skin, black hair that's like very spiked up and crazy. And he's like, welcome to the rest of my name is Giovanni and I'm going to take a care of you today, okay? To begin, we have pecorino cheese, this with cheese is aged at 28 years in Bologna and he is like the heavy but like distinctly Italian accent

and then he gives, hey you go, a piece for you, prego, prego. And he keeps saying prego, bravo. What's your, you want some of this? You want some prosciutto, maybe a meatball to start? Bravo, okay. Takes our order, tells everybody this whole thing. Then he does the specials from memory

and it's like a pre, it's like a performance. Like it's a real performance and we're all sitting around and like when he walks away we're like, that's fucking guys, something, right? Like we're like, this is just like a show and he comes over to me and he puts down the cheese and I go, oh farm me and he goes, what? No.

And I go, oh farm me and he goes. No. He puts the thing down and I'm like, that's weird cause I've been practicing Italian and I'm like, let's just clear. It's just called a congas or something. I said I'm hungry. Oh, okay.

And I'm like, hmm, you know, like it's just strange that he, so he keeps serving stuff and at one point I go Giovanni. Bene. No, I go, and I go, hey so when did you come over? He goes, I come over in 1992, my mother come over in 90, my father come over in 89. I come over after that and I go, that's amazing. And I go, you know, you're doing such a great job.

Like we're just enjoying this so much. And I go, where are you from? Like where specifically? He goes, Salvador. I go, what part of the country? Like where is that? You know, there's all these towns and everything. And he goes, it's a country in Central America.

And I go, El Salvador? And he goes, do you know it? And I go, yeah. So you're not from Italy. He goes, no, I'm from El Salvador. Oh my God. So the whole thing is a performance. Yeah.

He Rachel Dola's all of you, man. He did, man. Yeah. That's fucked up. And here's the thing, instead of being upset, we just all were like, that's fucking incredible. Like that's amazing that he sells it that hard. It felt like it happened in the New York area.

So like we were just like, oh, this dude has been around Italians so much that he picked up on all these things and words and phrases. And the craziest part is that he's speaking English with a distinctly Italian accent, you know? And then he's like, he doesn't even say El Salvador, which is where everyone, I'm from Salvador.

So I was like, oh, it sounds like an Italian town. He's like, is it country? He says, Central America. Oh my God. Wow. That's amazing. That's crazy. It's like those Dominican baseball players

that grow up here, but still talk like they're from the Dominican Republic. That's a little different. That's a little different. I got a lot of shit for a Dominican Republic joke. They will come at you. It's impressive. Oh my God, one kind of made the rounds.

And it was like, I think the joke was something along the lines of like, dating me as like going to the Dominican Republic. At first you're like, this is pretty cool. And then after a few days, you're like, yeah, there's a lot of problems here. I'm always not aware of. And it made the rounds.

I got so many comments like, you piece of shit, the Dominican Republic is beautiful. It's a joke. It's a joke, yeah. Beautiful, but severely messed up. I got one of the few times I've had Instagram posts removed is when I had my mom do the Spanish podcast. We did a Spanish podcast together

and I was reading her slang from Venezuela. And it was all ass centered. It was like, everything was like something like, if you're bothered, me pick a culo if you want this culiando. Everything was like culo, culo, culo. And it was all, anything was like ass related. Oh boy.

And she was like, who is saying? I go, this is the slang from Venezuela. She's like, well, maybe it's a bunch of whores over there. Cause I thought, so we promoted that clip. And I just, and I purposely went to promote it. You can select where and I promoted it in Venezuela. Oh my God. And it had like a thousand comments of like,

maybe you're a whore and your mom's a whore. And then Instagram took it down for abusive like tone. But I was like, it's clearly in the context of we're joking. Yeah. But it got removed. But butt stuff is not cool there. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God.

Make a comment about a finger in the butt to one of my black friends. And they're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Really? I'm like, it's fun. It's a good time. They're just like, that's not, I don't do that shit. Don't look at me.

Yeah. Any, any, do you like a finger in your butt? Nah, man. See? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Have you tried it? Nah, I don't need to try it. How do you, well, maybe you do.

Yeah, you do. You need to get a towel and some soap and scrub under your armpits. And then use that same towel and apply a nice dose of soap and spend two minutes washing your nuts. Don't just go one or two passes now, nigga. Wash your nuts.

Yep, you need to do that. And then you need to rinse that motherfucker out, do it again and wash down the crack of your ass. Yep, down the crack of your ass. And then you need to actually, yeah, and you need to look at it and you need to wash until that motherfucker's clean. Then you need to actually point away from the shower,

bend over and let the goddamn water run through there. Yeah, nigga, clean your asshole. A woman never licked your ass probably because it's got crustaceans in it, dude. Nervy, you niggas, man. There you go. Crustaceans. Are those shrimp?

Crustaceans is the nastiest way I've ever heard to describe little speckles of poop. Yeah. He's right though, he's not wrong. He's not wrong. You should clean your ass. You should definitely clean your ass. It's always right.

Big plus. Yeah, the suit and the glasses really hammer this point home. Yeah, they do. This is like a real PSA here. I know. I know. Legend.

Yeah, rest in peace. Yeah. He died? He died, yeah. How'd he die? He had a lady over at his place. And she called 911 because he had hit the floor, I think after they had had relations.

Oh my God. And then paramedics showed up and he was rushed to the hospital and he died. Yeah. Fuck, man. Bummer. He was so fun. He was so great.

Damn, life comes and goes quickly, man. Oh my God. You gotta wash your ass. How much do you weigh? That's none of your business. I told you I was fat. Oh, okay. We don't play that shit on my channel.

Get your big fat ass on somewhere then. I don't deal with you big, sassy ass broads. You think you can get out here and be like Danny's big ass, go knock yourself out. But I would be remiss to try to tell you as an image consultant and as a person and a professional that you can be five three and weigh so much

that you don't even wanna tell somebody how much you weigh and think you gonna get a man to marry you. A high value man. So you go ahead and go back over and get your two piece or three piece or whatever you got coming from Chick-fil-A or Popeyes or yeah, carry your ass on over, I don't know. Oh, he was the best. Kevin Sanos was fucking hilarious.

I don't give a shit. Everybody was calling him misogynistic and this shit. This girl from zero on one to 10 can't use seven. What are your regular looks? First face out of the shower, your natural hair. A 10. Your face? That's him.

I'm always gonna give myself a 10. I'm not gonna ever give myself a 10. All right, so there we go right there, people. It's all you can make. You see all the hard people losing? See, you can cap all you want to, but you're not an international superman. You're not an international.

And I'm just trying to ask you. He was great. Jesus. Yeah, he was just direct. But see, it was people who signed up for it. It's not like he's like calling your house and being like, hey, let me have a time. It's people who are like,

I want to talk to you because I want dating advice. And then this is the advice you signed up for. It's not like he was being someone different. No, that's right. They came to him for help. And they came to the guy that they knew did this. That's my point, you know? Who ranks themself a 10 also.

That's fucking insane. I agree. That's a pretty arrogant. You do kind of deserve to get taken down a little. Who can say that like Giselle Boonshin, she can go like, I'm a 10. And you know that she wouldn't either. No.

It would be like, I mean, you know, seven and a half. I just started a podcast with Julien Edelman, the football player. You did? Yeah, yeah, I could talk games with names. We just started a pod. And he's like one of the most handsome men I've ever been around.

And he's like, if I make jokes about it, he gets so uncomfortable. We get to change next to each other and nothing makes you feel worse about your body type than changing. How do you guys connect? How did you guys? They wanted a New York comedian

because we kind of do classic games. So it's like the premise of the podcast is we search for the greatest games of all time. So first episode is like Eli Manning and Teddy Bruceke from that Giants Patriots Super Bowl. Second episode is The Fiesta Bowl with Adrian Peterson and Jared Zabranski. And you guys just talking about these great games.

Yeah, but we also go back to like, what was happening in the world back then. That's kind of how we open it. But he's like, his body's insane. Like he's still shredded and he hates his body too. Like he'll be like, his abs are incredible. And I'm like, dude, you have like an insane body. And he's like, no, this isn't good.

Well, then what do you see when you look at me? I look, you look like the Jew that made it out of the Holocaust. I look like the one that they were like, we're gonna make an example of this weak piece of shit. Because he's retired now? He's retired, yeah. But he's like still an incredible shit.

It's funny, Chris Long told me that, cause he's also- He's on episode. Oh, he is? And so is his brother. I'm gonna go pee pee, I'll let you guys talk sports. Okay. He's got that Howie Long genetics. And so you're around him and you're like,

this is the fucking most handsome guy I have ever seen. Like same thing, right? Jesus Christ. And he just looks like he's like made from a factory. And he said that when he was on certain teams, that some of the players would be like, yo man, your body looks like shit. Yeah.

Like other players would be like, your body's shit. And he's like, really? You got no definition here. You're supposed to be like more cut up. This is like a guy who you would be like, oh my God, if you saw him. Yeah, to us. Right.

And then they're like, nah, you ain't shit. Well, they're all at that level now. Julien was telling me stories, he would like shave his arms to show off his arms in the uniform so that he would just look shredded. And then I guess he just shaved like everything, but his like, he shaved up to his legs, but his balls and everything were unshaved.

So we would just look weak. He'd look like a squirrel in the showers. They'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? But I was like, man, that's like, there's like a vanity, like, well, I'm like, oh, that's, I'll never have to worry about any of that. I don't really have to groom that much. Cause I'm like, what am I showing off?

Yeah, I'm not, I'm not shaving. I like, I like being hairy. Cause then there's like an illusion that maybe if I did, it would be good, but it's not. It really helps when you get super fat. Then you can just like be like, ah, it's under all this hair. Nobody can see how horrible this is.

You're in good shape. You lost a shit load of weight. I tried, man. I've tried, you know, I mean, it's a, it's a, it's a never ending thing. That's the thing is, I think, I was just telling somebody, I used to think that you'd get to a number and you'd be like, oh, this is good.

And as soon as you do that, you start going back. So you have to like tell yourself, oh, this is never over. That's the only way to stay motivated. And the other thing that motivated me was Mark Bell told me, he goes, you know how like sometimes you see a guy and he's like in his fifties or sixties and you go, what happened to that guy? And I go, yeah, he goes, you don't have to be that guy.

And I was like, I hear that in my head every day. Like being 60 and people go like, the fuck happened to that guy? Really looks like shit. He's like, if you can, if you can like, at least not be that, that's kind of a victory. I was at a restaurant the other day and it was like, it said how many calories were in alcohol.

I was like a Manhattan was like 250 calories. And I was like, oh my God, I've been pounding those for you. I didn't know I was here. You look, you have a thin body. You're leaning back. But I don't put on muscle. The thing is like, I'm, I guess I'm thin, but you know, I'll be on flights and I'm six three.

So my neck is just like drooped over. So did you try to put on muscle? Eh, I should. I should get, I always get injured when I try. Cause I'll go like one day and overdo it. And then that's the other thing. I'm just out for like two weeks. The older you get to,

like I can't believe how important warming up is now. Like I'll get to the gym and spend like 30 minutes. If I'm, if I'm thinking that day, just trying to not injure myself. You have to get your body in the mood. Yeah, you do. Like it's sex. Like it's sex.

It's crazy. Yeah. You have to lube yourself up a little bit. You have to put a finger in your own ass. Yeah. And you're like, you have to lick yourself. Yeah. Feels good.

Feels real good. Gosh, I'm so sad. I left for this. You have no idea. I thought we were going to talk about football. So I was like, this is a perfect opportunity. Oh, this is football talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is this your new podcast you're talking about? So, oh, when you guys have a new episode. Yeah. Do you then have to research like that? Like, do you look into that? You do. Okay. That's fun.

That sounds fun. Yeah, it's a good time. And you guys, of course, you do, we might be drunk, you and Mark. Yeah, you are. We got to get you on that. I would love to. And this is your guys,

this is your whiskey. Yeah, we made our own whiskey called Bodega K. You can get it at bodegacatspirits.com, bodegacatwhiskey.com. It's selling pretty well. And it's really good whiskey. That's for you guys. Thank you.

I don't know if you guys drink whiskey. Yeah, you had a little bit of it on the pod. That's very exciting. Dude, it's so stupid that we have our own whiskey. That's crazy. It's so cool. It's very cool. Why not?

Yeah, everybody, Chris Hart helped us make it and... Bartran and I have been talking about doing a booze. Yeah. You should do a booze. That's a great idea. I bet you're a tequila guy, right? I like tequila. Yeah.

I like tequila. I like gin. What's your drink? I've been drinking tequila. He got me into añejo. Añejo's, yeah. It's pretty cool, right? I love that, but wine, I'm such a mom.

Wine is good. Like white wine. I'm so cliche. L-L-L-M-G, you guys. It's wine time. Mom juice. I like getting wine drunk because it's like a sillier drunk. Yeah.

Whiskey is a more aggressive drunk. Totally. You know, you kind of like turn into like a cowboy or something. Yeah. Wine, I'm just like gonna gossip and shit. I love it. Yeah, it's fun.

It's mellow. It's just like relax. It's not, yeah, aggressive. I love it. Shitty. Wine drunk is so sloppy, too. Like that's when you slip and stuff. I love that shit.

Me, too. I remember the first time I got really drunk was at my sister's graduation. And I was like seventh grade. And I was, they had like free wine at this bar we went through. So we were just like, me and the other kids, we're just getting shit-faced.

My parents weren't around. And I remember I was like, wine drinking contest. I was that kid. I was that kid. And we're getting fucked up. And I remember I felt fine until I stood up and I just tried to walk and I just fell flat on my face. And my dad witnessed the whole thing.

He just watched me stand up and then fall flat on my face. And he had to lift me over his shoulder. And he said, all I remember is my mom saying, there are nights we're proud of you. Tonight was not one of them. Oh, that's a deep cut right there. Fuck it. I was like, ugh.

Fuck. And I puked so much that I ruined all the graduation photos because all the blood vessels in my face popped. So I had like, it looked like I just had bad acne, but it was just like, I puked so much. Oh my God. And then like, there was pictures of my dad as I put these sunglasses on so we can hide some of it.

You know, they were so ashamed. Yeah. She was just laughing her ass off. Of course. How was she? She was, I guess, 22. Oh, wow. Okay.

Jesus. Brutal. Yeah, getting drunk at that ages. That's how you learn though. You gotta look, those are the kids who are always worse off. Like who's the ones who are the most fucked up as adults or like honest people who come from Rumspringer or whatever.

So true. But you always meet the kids whose parents were so overprotective. Like I'm not saying let your kids do anything, but the ones that are so overprotective, they never let them touch booze. And then they're out in the wild for days. I know. Dude, I knew a girl in high school

that got into like Harvard out of high school because she was a straight A student, total nerd, Christian fucking, you know. And what happens first semester at Harvard, party too hard, freaked the fuck out and dropped out. Like dude, what are you doing? If they just let her off Felicia a little bit in high school, maybe she could have.

She didn't know how to manage it. No. You wanna fuck up. I mean, look, don't go too crazy, but yeah, those are always the people that you're like, that's stupid. Yeah, you blew it. Get the shit out of the way.

That's why it's good to get drunk and vomit in high school. So then by the time you're in college, you're like, oh, I know how to drink. You know what I mean? Like you don't wanna learn to drink in college necessarily. I definitely learned in high school. Cold drinking a lot. Yeah.

But I still got absolutely annihilated in college. Oh, okay, nevermind. Then my theory's not correct probably. But at least I knew my limits a little better. But yeah, I knew a kid who just got like a stomach pump in high school. What are you doing, dude? Like you gotta not do that.

From just drinking too much? Stomach pump? Drunk was getting when you got like you're drunk, you know you're drunk, and then you take a hit off a joint. Oh, it's the worst. Your head just goes into another, it's the worst. It's just your body's just like, what are you doing?

Yeah, why would you mix all? Yeah, I mean, the weed, that's when you wanna just do anything though. Like that's when you wanna cigarette. That's when you wanna just suck on anything, you know? And yeah, I remember those. I remember my parents rushed me to the ER once because I was so fucked up.

They used to lock the door. So I would have, they would have to see what condition I was in coming home. And I remember I passed out against the door. I passed out against the door and I'm just hitting the doorbell. And my mom opened it and I just fell flat on my face. And my dad was like, you're drunk.

And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm fucking drunk. And I was just puking my guts out. And first off, my mom just brings me like little cups of tea. Like that's what I want, some dry Lipton. That's gonna sit with my throat. And then my dad goes, what did you drink tonight? And I was so fucked up, I didn't know what to say.

I was like brown liquid. I meant beer and weed, but like I said brown liquid. So my dad goes, Sam's dropped acid. So he calls my friend to be like, let me make sure he's okay. And my friend picks up just as fucked up as I am. And he goes, what did you drink? For whatever reason, he said brown liquid too.

So my parents just rushed me to the ER like he had. And I was just like, I'm just drunk. I'm just fucking drunk. And then a doctor came in and he goes, yeah, he's just drunk. And that's it. That was it. Yeah, he can go home. Yeah.

Cause what could they, I guess they could pump your stomach. No, but I was just fucked up. I mean, I was just kind of like, why are you making me go to the hospital? That's horrible. It was horrible. Oh my God. It's not as bad as overdosing.

I did that once. That's horrible. Yeah, I saw that. That's bad. Yeah, that's probably the worst of all times. You almost died. I almost died. I almost died.

And the worst part is definitely the parents. The parents being like, you really let us down. And you're like, oh my God. Can I leave the ER first before we have this talk? And then they were like, I had a car and they're like, well, you know, we're taking your car away. Cause this way you can, like we can't reward you for overdosing.

And I was like, how am I going to leave a place that has drugs? And they're like, no, we should give him his car. I would think if it was that scene on the Sopranos where you know, Tony and Carmelo trying to punish Meadow. And she's just such a brat about everything. And then she finally runs away like, what are you going to do?

And as she runs away, they're like, what do we do when he finds out we're powerless? Like there's nothing, that's like such an honest parenting moment. Cause like at a certain point they do need to, you do need to let them off the leash a little, but it sucks when the kids being shitty. I remember that and Carmelo wanted to take away

the credit card, but then how she can put gas in her own car and drive herself around. And you know, it's always the thing, I'm going to take away TV, but then that just punishes the parent. You know, you want the kid that we will watch cartoons and piss off for a little while. Oh my God.

Oh, it's tricky, dude. It's tough to punish those guys. I tried to punish them yesterday. What did you do? They were like just fucking off so hard, trying to give them a bath. And then he dropped the handle, you know, the handheld thing out of the bath.

So now it's spraying water. Fuck, I hate when they fall to the floor. God damn it. I was like, motherfucker, and I turned it off. And I was like, that's it. Like, you're not getting any treats. And then he's like, Ah, he's like, please give me one more chance.

That's totally how he does it. And I was like, no, no chances. And he just kept crying. I go, you can cry all you want. I go, there's nothing that's not happening. And then, I don't know, an hour later, you know, he'd gotten dressed and he's like, now I gotta have a treat?

And he's like, all right. Yeah, yeah, it's cute. What's a treat like Andy or something? Popsicle or yes, I'm sorry. And then the best is our youngest is four. And he goes, I go, he goes, what can I have? I go, what do you want? He goes, you pick.

Yeah, I don't know what he's doing. Okay. So I open the freezer and I pull out this little, it's called a mini, it's ice cream mini cone. He goes, not minis. And I go, you said I could pick. He goes, I don't find that. I go, then why did you say I could pick?

And he's like, give me a popsicle. And I go, I want a mini. And you said, I get to pick. He goes, I hate minis, it's too small. And I go, all right, I'll give you a popsicle. He goes, not that popsicle, the other popsicle. And I go, no, this is not happening. You have this fucking popsicle.

And then I give him that, I make him take that popsicle. And then I give him the other one. I go, give this to your brother. I hear him run the other room and then Ellis goes, oh, is this the treat, the popsicle? He goes, he didn't let you pick? And he's like, man, this sucks. Like you fuckers.

You've got a good life. They've got a great life. Spoiled little shits. These are great chairs, by the way. Aren't they? You know, you're like insane. I'm so conscious of lumbar support. Well, we've had so many incarnations

of our podcasting studio that the chairs are at most important, because you're sitting here for hours. This is like insane though. Nothing works. You look like chairman of the board. Oh yeah. It's so official too.

We're in the boardroom discussing very important things. When you do feel like getting back into the dating world, I want to know if you feel this way. Yeah. All right, I will assume that you asked this question in a way that you really want to learn. So I will explain all the ways that it is okay. Let's say that you're attracted to women.

Well, if you're attracted to women, they're attracted to cis women, trans women, without bottom surgery and trans women with bottom surgery. If you're attracted to VJ, then you could be attracted to a cis woman, a trans man without bottom surgery, a trans woman with bottom surgery, or a non-binary person,

which depending on their assigned gender at birth, having or not having had the surgery. You get it? But it is that exclusion that makes it transphobic. So if you say that you like women and you like VJ, then that would mean that you are attracted to cis women and trans women who have had bottom surgery. It is just that exclusion that makes it transphobic.

You can have a genital preference, but to exclude trans people is transphobic. I have a genital preference. I do too. It's vagina. Yeah, that's my preference. This individual is saying that if you like women, you must be attracted to,

he said like you must be attracted to cis women, trans women and trans women with and without bottom surgery. And to have a preference outside of that makes you transphobic. I think that that's not correct. I don't think we're attracted to makes you phobic really. I don't think so either. I think phobia is always the wrong word.

It's a strong word. To like homophobia even is like, I'm not scared of gay people. You're not so phobic that when you see one, you run in the other direction. Yeah. Also, your sexual inclinations and desires aren't politically correct, right?

Last I checked, like are you inclusive in all your sexual fantasies, Tom? Usually, yes. When you masturbate, are you making sure to include everybody all the time? There's usually everybody of every race and every religion and background is there. You have no control.

Porn is also very progressive. You know, like, oh yeah, big, beautiful woman. Oh, right. You know, you're not, you know. Mature. Mature. You mean she's 27? I'm curious to see what the actual breakdown is

of like the big, beautiful women and the, you know what I mean? Like who, how much, who's at the top? It's gotta be like the youngies, right? Like 18 or the underage. The ones that are pretending to be like 16, right? Like that would probably be the top one. Okay, Nizov, can we Google like most preferable porn

categories? I feel like I'm not, I don't know who any new porn stars are though because I just, I feel like I watched porn the way I listened to like 90s rap. I'm like, there was a period. That's what I like. That's what I like.

I'm good. There you go. Most popular porn categories, United States. There we go. Yeah. This is what I'm trying to articulate, but not really doing very well. Okay.

Oh God, I'm just going with the word. It's so weird that everything's like phobia. Phobia, it's so extreme. It is extreme. It's like, you like what you like. You're not, if I don't want to eat, if I don't want to eat fucking beyond beef, that doesn't mean I'm phobic of.

No, it's some sort of vegan, it's like I prefer this. You're lentil phobic or whatever the fuck. The most searched terms in the United States. What is hentai? What? That's the Asian, this is for nerds, right? Isn't that? It's like anime porn.

Yeah. That's number one. Number one. Dang. Then lesbian. Then wealth. What? Then what?

I'm in the running, I'm top three. Then ebony, Asian, Latina, threesome, BBC, what I assume is big ass, not sure what is blurred out after that. It's funny that BBC is like the same, like an old person's trying to search Sherlock or something. That's just a big black cop. Yeah.

Step mom, another blurred out one, massage and then black. Ebony and black are the same. That is the same, but it's a different search term. Yeah, but black is eating some of those ebony votes right there. Yeah. It's like a third party candidate, really fucking up.

The ebony. Oh, wait, scroll down more. Here's where it's searching trends. Lesbian, scissoring. Oh, wow. Mature milk. Ebony, big ass, I don't know. Hooters, relative categories,

scissoring, ebony, Latina. A lot of just race is what people are, again, this would be preferences like we were talking about. So if you search Latina, are you phobic of Asians and blacks? You're phobic, yeah. Because you didn't include them in your search?

Yeah, it's like literally you order food and they're like, I guess you're phobic of all our other choices here tonight. No, I just, this is what I want. That's what I like. 67% of American visitors were male, although the share of female users slowly increased this year.

That's nice. It's literally, if I said to this person, like are you phobic of not wearing a shitload of makeup? You know, it's like, no, you choose to wear makeup. Right. And that's fine. Sure. I'm not phobic though.

Wow. That was really interesting. I never would have thought. Ebony remained the most viewed category of video for the second year running ahead of lesbian and milf. Searches for the word trans were up 134% when compared with last year. Wow, and that isn't transphobic.

No. That's progress. That's a lot of progress. That's progress, dudes. I wonder, I'm so curious about that hentai shit. Oh, this is a Grammy? Look at this. So it's cartoon porn?

This is the top relative search. Does that include like family guy, like Lois, getting fucked? You ever see those previous? Yeah, I love those. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What is hentai? Tell us about it, Nadab.

Do you know what this, it's... I think there's like tentacles and stuff coming in and just fucking all sorts of stuff. Tentacles, like an octopus or something? Something like that, but it doesn't belong to an octopus. It's like some sort of other figure that's just throwing tentacles at you and stuff.

These are terms that are popular state by state. Cool. Isn't this hilarious? So if you scroll it, make that a little bigger. Looks like Hawaii is morning sex, which is funny. Asian is the California. Really? Yeah.

Thick Latina here in Texas. That makes sense. That does make sense. Taco is in a big Mexican population? Yeah, for sure. Naked women. Oh, how sweet. Yeah.

That's so innocent. That is. What is that, Louisiana? Louisiana, yeah. They're not so bright. They're also 50th in education. Yeah, that's a case. Naked women.

Duh. Yeah. Girl. Yeah, that's fucking hilarious. Penis pump. Yeah. South Carolina? Is that South Carolina, Tom?

That is... I don't know. North Carolina. No, I don't. Is that South Carolina? Oh, no, no, no. That is North Carolina, damn. Wait, then which one's North Carolina?

Penis pump. South Carolina's vibrator. This vibrator. Oh, then what's on it? Georgia's big ass, I don't know. That made that add to it. Florida's looks like a big black cock in SSR. That's what I'm talking about.

New York foot job. I have no idea. Oh, hey. Hey, we like feet. Although if you walk, I mean, that's... See, I guess that's what it is. Because if you're wearing sandals in New York, you're a fucking psychopath.

That's what I always thought. So maybe it's like forbidden fruit, maybe. Yes, I think you're right. You see, if I see anyone in sandals, I'm like, you're risking a rat running right there? Yes. You're out of your mind. I've seen the rats run up to people's feet and bounce off.

And I'm like, oh, it's happened to me. Everyone's on top of each other in New York. Even the rats, it sucks. Even flip flops. Like, flip flops is suicide. And it's like, what are you doing? Well, that's the craziest part when you're out in Vegas late

and you see these chicks walking barefoot on Las Vegas Boulevard. And you're like, you are out of your mind. This is the filthiest fucking street in America. I mean, it's just like, it's just people have puked on it. There's just all this foot traffic from shit. And then they're like, I want to go out of my house, and so they take them off

and they walk down the street barefoot. It's fucking crazy. Because I always say is that the veteran hoes there have the backup, you know, they have like those like the pedicure pair that they just pull out of there, but they walk home in those. But to walk barefoot down Las Vegas Boulevard,

you're fucking out of your mind. You've got to be so drunk. It's also just like, yeah, it's disgusting. I remember the first time I went to Vancouver from New York, I was like, oh, this is what air is supposed to smell like. The air in New York is horrible. It's just smoke and garbage. The whole Pacific Northwest, you're up there

and you're like, this is amazing. It's beautiful. The mountains. Yeah, it's fucking great. But they're unhappy for other reasons. You know, it's always raining and shit. Like Portland's like gray. The whole city is gray. True.

So there's other reasons there. Like they don't see sunlight, I feel like. You know what trips me out about Jewdork titties is like just bags of garbage on the floor. You're like, what is this? This is like the greatest city in the world. And then in the middle of summer, just trash bags baking. And it's so foul, dude.

It's a smelly, it's like a really smelly person was like, I'm the shit all the time. And you're like, you smell horrible. But I'm the best. I'm the best. The energy. But if we not figured out a better system, New York City, like. No, it's crazy.

New York is, it's tough. Like I was trying to get my ex to move there. It's a tough city to defend. Cause you're just like, I love it. I'm from there. But at the same time you're walking around and you're just seeing like, it feels like a whole city of bad roommates.

Cause we're on top of each other. It feels like just people who are just being bad all the time. And you know what's going to happen. That's a tough thing. We're on the train. I'm like, oh, this is fun. A guy will come on his underwear. And I'm just like, you just have to be like,

all right, like this is what's going to happen. It's like, how long can I go? Sure. It feels like a video game. Every downtown I go to feels like a video game now. Like every part of the country where I go to, it's like COVID hit it. Like I was in Pittsburgh downtown this weekend.

And it's like, you just, just dudes on meth coming at you. You feel like you're in GTA five or something. You just like, it doesn't feel real. I agree that it's just declined everywhere, everywhere. Everyone moved out of the city. Like New York, there'll always be people in the city. Certain cities are always people in the city.

But now they're like, if you're in like downtown Salt Lake now, you're like out of your mind. I know. I mean, that's where I stay when I go on the road. But that's because I want to be downtown. Cause I like to take walks. But you're looking around.

You're like, oh, this is like, everything is declined though. It's true. It's crazy. Yeah. It'll be back. Even Florida. Well, not Orlando.

I feel like Orlando stayed the same. Everywhere else declined. It's like, it's remember it tells old joke about like no one ever bombs the bus station. Cause you're like, oh shit, someone's already done this one here. You know? That's how I feel about Orlando.

I remember I did, I did the Orlando improv recently. And I was like, oh my God, this strip mall is like fucking deserted. Yeah. Where the hell am I? That must be a bit of a change though, because I think that was a more. It was popping back in the day.

Yeah. I mean, of course I got COVID. Everything got hit. Oh, you got COVID? Everyone got COVID. Of course, the flight. I was on the flight back, cranky. I'm like, I must have COVID.

There were all these, the boarding out or into Orlando is the most maddening shit you'll ever do. Cause it's just dudes on like oxygen and little kids. So the boarding process is like 50 minutes. And then you're in between like an old man who's like literally like, I think this dude's dead. This kid's crying. It's horrible.

I was texting Gary Veter who's on the flight with me who does all of these road gigs with me. And Gary's like, I want to fucking kill myself. This is horrible. That security area at Orlando airport is chaos. It's like you're getting on one of the rides. Like you're going to an amusement park. It's so fucking crazy there.

It's always been like a two hour line. It's nuts. It doesn't matter if you have pre-check or anything. It's chaos. No, you're just stuck. I mean, Orlando's, it's tough, man. And you think you're going to be all right, but that's the tough part.

Florida is so hit or miss. It's like Ohio. You're like, some cities are great. So you're like, what the fuck is this? So true. Ohio can be the best or the worst. Yeah. It could be like Cleveland and Columbus are cool. But then you make it to like Toledo and you're like,

I want to fucking, is there a tall enough building to jump off here? Yeah. This is horrible. I don't want to tell you. You can't even kill yourself there. So rough. The worst was remember the fucking Cincinnati bunny bone that wasn't in Cincinnati in Newport, Kentucky.

It's like 40 minutes away. They're the nicest people in the club. It's so well run, but it's like 40 minutes away from everything. It's no longer there, but it was in the Newport, Kentucky one. I don't know. I think it's Liberty.

It's in Liberty. Oh, that's different. That's moved. Yeah, that's in Liberty Township. Yeah, but the Newport one was in, that was meth country. That was literally, yeah. There was a park that they used to do heroin in. It's like right by the club.

So we have an Unk Shine update. So Unk Shine is a guy that we found online and he's really, he was always about one thing only. And that was what he was going to do like to women, he's going to lick their ass, you know? Hey, my baby girl, great job. You're so beautiful, baby girl.

Oh, yeah. You see the way you ears by the beach? Ooh, I'm fully that awkward. Yeah, I'm fully that awkward and making me nervous. The way you're bending over, I'm going to eat your ass. Always. Because I'm fully awkward to smoke. I'm going to pass some smoke in your ass.

And I'm going to lick it like a dog. Yeah, I'm going to lick it like a dog. Okay, always. Doing cool stuff like that, right? And he did the act out too, which I appreciate. I do too. I didn't believe he was really going to eat that ass until the tongue came out.

I'm like, all right. It's called commitment to the bed. Yeah, he was always, and there's always been that, you know? All your beautiful women, you feel me? Just let me eat you one time. Okay. It's just, it's never not that, you know? Like there are women who are like,

it's a number of times it's a problem for me. Yeah. I ain't going to play with you, my baby. I'm going to put my hand in your kitty kitty. In your face. And I'm going to do it like that, I'm going to smell it. My point is this. He's always been about orally, you know,

taking care of women. Yeah. Always licking your ass. Always let me eat you, let me lick your ass. And then he just goes here. How you want me to fuck you? How you want me to fuck you? Well, I'm going to fuck you all kind of ways.

Straight up. I'm going to fuck you all kind of ways. Upside down. Yeah. Straight up. I'm going to fuck you upside down. Yeah. But I'm going to take my time.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Yeah. In your ass. Go right to the ass. Oh, wow. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I'm going to put it in your booty. But I'm going to take my time. Yeah, girl. I'm trying to say, you know, that's what you want it in your ass. Uh-huh. I'm going to give it to you in your ass. You're going to be fighting for show.

I'm trying to tell you now. You're going to be fighting for show. Fighting for show? Yeah, when I'm going to put it in your ass. You're going to fart. Oh, you're farting for show. Aye, aye, aye. Aye, aye, aye.

Get it out of there. I just shout out to Unkshine. Hey, will you real quick just go to his Instagram? Because I have to show. We got to get him like a selfie stick, too. That's too close. That is very close. It's too close.

Very close. He's catching up on his news, though. Is he watching CNN? Does he have Rachel Maddow on it? He hasn't. Just scroll. Just look. This is every day.

Oh, no. No, he's doing that again. Again? Damn it. What do you mean? Is this always? Yeah, it's something like, usually it's between like 38 and 60 posts today, and they're usually in 30 second clips.

And all of these are about what he's going to do to your booty. Jesus. The man is persistent. But that's how you become an influencer. You have to post a lot is what I hear. His manager is like, we need more ass eating posts. Oh, look, he made a hat change. So I think we had that red one from, yeah, there was a period of the red hat.

So if you go back to the top, I'm just curious, what's he talking about, let's say right there? Baby girl, they drive that little white car, that Chevy car. Look, check this out. I got one for you. Okay. If you're looking for a good man in your life. Well, God and son you to the right man is me. Straight up.

And I'm going to let you see it for yourself. And God eyes. That's all I want you to do for me. It just give me one chance. And let me let you see it for yourself. I'm going to let you see it for yourself. I put that on gold. Wow.

This is really nice. I'm going to be there for you and your children. And the kids. I'm trying to tell you now is one love. Just give me one chance. That's all I'm asking. Dude, this is so different. Straight up.

I know. Yeah, you're so beautiful, my baby. You touched my heart. Don't forget my baby girl. There it is. That's it. I didn't know he was into the single mom. That's a whole new lane for him.

Well, he knew somebody in a white Chevy. That's who this message went out to. Oh, right, right. So hopefully she finds it. He's willing to be a stepdad. That's really nice. Yeah, that is very nice. It's a whole new side of Unction.

Wow. Well, that was really cool. Yeah. He's just like, God help me. All right. Look, check it out. Texas. All right.

For all your beautiful women. In Texas. This is Texas. Let me see what you're working with. Bring it to me. Straight up. Be a woman. Straight up.

And you look. Your do me a favor. Okay. Texas. Yeah. It's my home time. Oh. Straight up.

All the time, baby. Let me see what you're working with. Bring that ass to me. Texas. The whole state. I'm gonna let you see what you're working with. I'm trying to tell you now. Bring it to me.

Texas. Be a woman. Okay. God. God. I wonder if he's transphobic. We never asked him that. I actually spent time with him.

Did you? Yeah. I flew to Lafayette and I actually went into a hotel room with him. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. Really? Yeah. Yeah. And I watched him make a banana split on a woman's ass.

It was pretty wild. Yeah. True story. I mean, I like that his energy shifts. Yeah. And sometimes he's kind of more dominating. Yeah. And other times he's like, just let me.

And then he was like. Please, lady. He's like, I'm gonna put it in God's hands. Come on. Just give me, look at my heart. I want you to find out or support your kids. And then he's like, let me see. Yeah.

He does. He goes back and forth, right? Yeah. He can't help himself. Vasilates. Is that the word? Is that the word? He thinks so.

Like a fan. Vasilates. Yeah. It goes back and forth. That's Vasilates. Vasilates. All right. Jesus.

What's Vasilates? I don't know. Is that a word? Please look it up. I think it is a word. Vasilate to something? No. What is Vasilates?

Yeah. Vasilates. Vasilate. Alternate or waiver between different opinions. Yeah. That works. That works. I was right once today.

No, no. This is the first time you've been right in anything ever. No. This is incredible. Hey, Smart Chad didn't even know this word. Wow. Oh, fucking hell. I beat Smart Chad in something.

This is really impressive. See, this is the weirdness of my brain. Is that every now and then, I'll know some shit. Chad doesn't know or know it. This. Yeah. Yeah. This was a really big deal.

This is a big day. This is a big day. Fuck. Yeah. I'm really proud of you. God, that came from deep down. That must have been a high school word, like an SAT word or something. Yeah.

Well, back to being dumb. Here we go. Back to my default. Hey, I'm the one that pulled up on Shine. I'm the one that's being dumb. That's true, Tom. I like that guy. You do.

Is his following straight up through you guys? Yeah. That's amazing. You're shining a light. Yeah. You're shining a light on a lot of people. We got 27,000 followers. Yeah, it was like fucking 37.

Does he message you about this? No. He's not into text. He's in it for the love of the game. Yeah. These guys generally don't know how to operate technology or like, like it's, I mean, yeah. I don't know how they even do what they do. Yeah.

Quite honestly. It's impressive. We'll say that. It is very impressive. Sam. I want to remind everybody that your special same time tomorrow is out right now on Netflix. Where did you shoot it? I shot it at the Den in Chicago.

My friend James Webb directed it. We did our, we did kind of our own thing where we shot seven shows. You shot seven shows. I'm so, I'm so dumb with it. I'm like, I'm going to fuck something up. And then of course, because we shot seven shows, I'm like, I'm going to be very disciplined. We got drunk every night. I was like, I, because like I had, my Asian gab was like, I'm going to, I'm going to come

to every show. I'm like, you don't have to come. And she just came to every show. She came to Chicago. My other agent, Mike came. We had like, you know, her boyfriend was doing like, like hair and makeup stuff. And then it just turned out being like a shitload of people every night in the green room. It was pretty fun.

And then we shot seven. And do you know Professor Pizza in Chicago? No, I think he, he catered pizza like every night. He offered to cater pizza to one of our things. It's amazing pizza. Yeah. And I'm a New York pizza guy. So he like, he did, he like really knows his stuff.

It's amazing. And then I think he did something with my sister. I think he did a, she did a cooking thing online with him, I think. Yeah. He's done a lot of comics, Ari Normand. He's like, come through Louis and list as well. And we, so we were there for like four nights. It's mostly just the Thursday late show, but I sprinkled in a couple of things.

But yeah, I just started hating all the jokes. So I kept cutting time off and cutting time off and cutting time. And then you're left with like, not that long a special. I'm like, I like these jokes though. How long did you end up making? It's like 43. Oh wow. But I put out, I put out like, you know, a special during the, I burned so much materials.

I put out a rooftop special. That's right. Because I was just so miserable. That was smart of you. I was just, I was just, you know, bored out of my mind during COVID. And I was like, I can't go up at the cellar. I'm miserable. I, they were doing some stuff at the cellar, like behind a plastic glass.

And I remember I walked in one night and I just saw David tell playing a recorder. And I was like, I feel like we got nuked. This is crazy. And so that was kind of a no go to do shows there. So I was just doing strangers rooftops. And I was just like, Hey, if you got a mic and an amp and beer and white claw, I will come through and I'll do a show. So I bring like my friend, Phil Hanley or Ian Friedance.

And we just kind of go through there and, you know, do a show. And it was, it was pretty fun, man. It was, it was pretty cool. That's cool. That's really cool. I remember Phil, by the way, remember Phil used to be like in a vest, sweater vest all the time. He had a uniform.

Yeah. He's got a special coming out this month. It's killer. Well, I've seen like his clips and I'm like, it's, he's totally like transform. I mean, he's always funny, but it's like, whole person came out of him. He lost a vest. He's got one of my favorite jokes of all time. It's like such a simple joke, but it's like kind of a deep joke where he's like, you know,

they, they say when you meet the right person, you know, right away. How come when you meet the wrong person, it takes a year and a half? That's a great joke. That is a great joke. That's such a concise joke. Yeah. Yeah. Phil has got great jokes, great crowd work.

Yeah. He's one of those dudes who could just do a whole crowd work set. And it's like, he's got his own way. He's kind of a dick to the crowd. I've seen him. Yeah. He used to wear like that, like a sweater all the time. He gave him a lot of shit for it.

He'd show up to the cellar in like July. We're like, it's New York in July. Why don't we lose the vest? But now, yeah, now he's like, he's, he's kind of gone back. He's like regressed to his old form where he's wearing just like grateful dead shirts. Yeah, it's great. Back when he used to drop acid all the time. His, his Instagram clips are great.

He's a beast. And then before that, you did your, would you, you also did like that one that was like, I think Comedy Central put it, they put it on YouTube, right? Yeah. What happened was like, you know, I had a special that I was, I was pretty happy with, but what happened was no one would buy it. So it was so funny how you look at your story with, you hope it would be on Comedy Central. It ends up on Netflix and you're like, it's the end of the world, Comedy Central won't buy it.

But, you know, for me, it was, I remember HBO pass and I was like, I remember one guy really liked it. And then the top person was like, now we're not going to do it. I'm not like, I'm just a joke guy. I'm not like, I don't, I'm not enough of like an interesting like character study for HBO. They need you to have like, you know, like, and then I got my legs. But your legs not real, is it? And you're like, well, these are real legs.

Yeah. But so they need like, I think like a cool angle or something. Totally. I'm just like a guy who plays strip malls. I'm not, you know, so, you know, so they pass and then Netflix pass and then Comedy Central was like, we do like two specials a year now. So I was like, oh man, I don't know what to do. And then my agent at the time was like, but it's, I like the hour so much, like we got

to sell it. So I remember doing, running a bunch of times for people at the seller, running a bunch of times and going to like, just fly back to LA one more time. Like, all right, you run it, goes great. One of the things we were like, no one wants to buy it. And I was like, all right, fuck it, let's shoot it. I mean, it's not going to cost that much to shoot. It's so, I just, I always kind of want the specials to look simple anyway, because anytime

you're doing crazy shots in a special, the crowd is like, what's that? It's like when you watch a movie and you're reminded you're watching a movie. Just let me forget. So yeah, so we couldn't sell it. And then there weren't that many YouTube specials at the time when I put this out, you know, and there were a few, but I remember we had shot. I didn't have any YouTube presence at the time. So I just Comedy Central was like, we'll pay you to put it on our YouTube channel.

And I was like, to me, I'm like, that's perfect. Let's do it. That worked. It worked. Yeah, it's like 11 million views now. It's crazy. Yeah, it changed my life on the road. It's also one of the things where I'm like, I'm going to put this out, you know, to tour.

And it came out February 2020. So no touring, but a shitload of people watched it because of COVID. So it did help when we came out of COVID. That's amazing. Yeah. And I was just hugely endorsed. I think it's a great idea. I mean, it's great that you have a special in Netflix, but I'm saying those YouTube ones

are. More people watch YouTube because everyone has YouTube. People are dumping Netflix. I mean, it's great to be on Netflix. It's awesome. But YouTube is kind of, there's so many great comments on YouTube. Or even TikTok. I mean, Tommy, weren't you just telling me yesterday?

You're like this 18 year old girl. Oh my God. This girl comes up to me. I'm in this gym last week in a college town and she gives me like the look, the, you know, I recognize you. So I was just like, you know, at this machine and she's like, excuse me. And I go, yeah. She goes, are you?

And I'm like, she goes, you're that radio host that has the clips on TikTok. And I go, yes. She goes, yeah, you're really funny. I love that. Now everyone thinks like we all got in this to just be like George Carlin. And now we're all done. I miss. Oh, totally.

Isn't that crazy? I wanted to be a comic. I don't want to be a fucking radio person. I wanted to just be on stage a thousand percent. Never wanted to do this. No, but you can't pick like what, what pops you. But thank God podcasting translates to a great standup audience because they're the greatest standup crowd.

Absolutely. They're sophisticated now, the crowd where you do these shows and they kind of get it when you're doing new shit. They're not dicks about it usually. Oh, I get that he has to do new stuff or it does. Every once in a while though, you do get that podcast crowd vibe where they're just like, no, I'm just listening. Yeah.

And you're like, I'm what laughs. Yeah. No, but just talk. You're just talking like you do on your part. You just talk. But no, the crowds are better than ever. It is amazing. It's amazing.

And it's like, yeah, you guys have cultivated like a real standup. Yeah. Following. They want to come to the shows. It's great. It's great. Yeah. Well, congrats, dude.

Congrats on the special. So funny. Congratulations, dude. Thanks for having me. You too as well. Yeah. And look, I hope we get to do it. Let's podcast again.

Let's do it again. You gotta come on. We might be drunk. We'll talk about it. Next week. Oh, shit. Okay. We'll talk about it.

We'll schedule it. Go watch the special. Same time tomorrow. It's on Netflix. Bye, mommy. Hey, it's Handong. Hey, no, no. Just let me eat you.

One time. Just let me eat you. One time. Just let me eat you. One time. One time. Just let me eat you. One time.

I'm gonna make you cry. I guarantee you. You're gonna ask me to sit in your house. You're gonna sleep for three days, my baby. Yeah, I'm feeling it. Yeah, I'm feeling it. It doesn't matter if you got a big booty or a flat booty. And look, I want to lick them bras.

Lick them bras. I want to lick them bras. Well, guess what? I'm coming to get that booty. Get that booty. Coming to get that booty. And I want your feet too. When you come home, listen.

When you come home, baby. You just gotta jump into the tub with all them bubbles. All them bubbles. All them bubbles. All them bubbles. Just let me eat you. One time. Hey, hey, hey.

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Come on and get that booty. Get that booty. Come on and get that booty. Just let me eat you. One time. Hey, hey, hey. Just let me eat you. One time.

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Hey, hey, hey. Hey, look. Look! My number is 315-63-20. How late it go? I got something for you.