Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 677 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

Pull those jeans high and tight! Tom Segura and Christina P discuss how Sober October is going, best practices for hugging and kissing in public, and goth rockers ability to still rock like Peter Murphy and Dave Navarro. We get a follow up on the hiccup guy, Tom shares a story about a line cutter, and Christina realizes she can do what she likes to do and accepting how her brain works. We take a look at celebrities with hundreds of millions of followers, debate which celebs have retained (and not retained) their looks over the years, and look at a cool lady having a wellness check done on her. We check in on progressive Hungary and take a look at an overly emotional Lady Gaga over a cancelled show. Chromatica is forever. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

You're not near your car, so if somebody were to come and inspect your car, they're not going to find you right here. I got you, they got to find you. You're a few hundred yards away. You can maybe hear him coming. I mean, I think I said I'd be afraid of getting... You hear me coming. Oh, my God. Like that. And it's not how you sounded at 16. We were like, oh!

You know what I did last night? I watched cartoons with my children on our solar mattress from Sotva, and you know what? They love the vibrations. They ask me, mommy, make the bed vibrate. And it's so fun and it lights up and we have the best time on the Sotva bed. I cherish it so much. I've also bought the lumen leaf and we sleep on the luxury firm as well. We have that one in the guest room so that people can try it.

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Sotva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit for $200 off your next Sotva purchase. I shadow dance with my hands, finger my ass. Yeah, so awesome. Timeless goth anthem. I wonder how Bert will look at the end of this month. It's sober October. Oh my gosh. He's going to look so good.

Yeah. No booze working out all the time, a few more weeks. Can I ask you something stupid? Sure. So the booze consumption is what keeps you from losing weight. Was that, is that accurate? Well, I mean, you're talking about in his case. Yeah.

He's just at a caloric surplus every day. Every day. So it's booze and food for him. Because usually also everybody, if you drink a good amount, you want to, you're going to make poor decisions. Right? He's just going to go crazy with what you eat. That's what everybody does. Yeah.

And he only does that every day. I know. And it's so easy to do it every day. Like everybody wants, not everybody, but like. The dude's pretty active. He's an active guy. But I want to eat and drink everything I want to every day too. Yeah, exactly.

But you want to do what Bert does every day. But you don't. Right. So for Bert, Bert does that. Yeah. And that's why he's so fat. That's why we do this month. Yeah.

How's it going for you so far? Great. Feel great. Feel good? Yeah. Yeah. No, you look amazing. And thank you.

It's very easy for you. I'm going to post a maybe a pre, like the beginning of the month photo and a end of the month photo. It's a great idea. Maybe my weights, like what I weigh at the beginning and the end of the month. You would make that public knowledge. I think so. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. That's amazing. You know, I can't ever guess men's weights anyways. I don't know what you guys weigh. But if you're, you kind of know when you're in, you know, and also it's your body comp. Like sometimes it's not the number that much as your body changing, you know? Yes. So like for instance, airy.

Yeah. He's not going to lose a bunch of weight. He'll probably lose some, but his body will look different. You know, he's already pretty lean guy. He's so skinny already. But Brent will probably drop some real LBs. Airy looks thinner. Is he, does he not like food?

Like what's his, or was it his hair? He does, but you know, he eats like a normal person. Oh. Yeah. He just eats like a human. Yeah. I wouldn't know. Yeah.

Well, I could take it and leave it. It is amazing how much facial hair and hair changes your appearance. It's just striking. When he used to have the big Jufro and he looks so different. He looks wildly different in all his different styles. He'll do the shaved head. He'll do the Mohawk. He'll do the curls.

Look at him there. The young guy. Yeah. Yeah. Jeez, Louise. And I remember that head shot a million years ago. You can tell in any of them, in any of those that it's not a good person though. Right.

You can just look and you're like, that's not a good guy. Yeah. That's true. You know, that's actually quite true. Yeah. I never go Ari Shafir, good human. Good person. No.

Trustworthy. Oh, yeah. Jesus. That's a, that's Nadav's fucking uncle right there. I know. That's what you saw when you got up every day and you're a kid, huh? No, I'd never be related to someone that Jewish. Jeez.

He really, I like it. That's a real Jewish guy right there. Yeah. Huh. There you go, Ari. Well, good. I'm proud of you guys. It's a good thing.

I, I too, I'm still on my fitness kick and it's doing, it's really, it's really helped my mood. Can I tell you that now that I walk 10,000 steps a day, I really didn't realize what like frantic lady energy I have. Yeah. You know, when you're like, I'm fucking crazy manic bro. I'm, I'm stoked to be walking this out. You're liking it.

Yeah. Cause at night time, I just sooth you. It's good for your, it's good for our minds. That's what it is. It's meditative and now I don't get as keyed up at night. I remember by the end of the day, I was usually like, I got a fucking drink something. You know, dogs need their walk. I'm a dog.

And then they kind of chill out. Yeah. Yep. No, we all are though. I know. Yeah. If you don't have a walk, you're fucking. Yeah.

I'm just saying, you know, when I don't work out for a few days, you're always like, I think you should go work out because it really kicks out those. Yeah. Well, if you, I've noticed it's three things. Okay. Yeah. It's the, the energy you need to expend your energy like a dog. Yeah.

The testosterone creeps up high and you need to ejaculate and then hunger. Yeah. Those are really your three primary needs. Mood swingers. Mood swingers. Yeah. Generally, that's what's irking. Yeah.

It's true. And sometimes when you don't take care of that, you end up doing something irrational. Like, Oh. Listen, brother, you don't fuck on the bus, mate. I don't care if you're fucking homeless. Don't fuck on the bus. Can't.

Can't. And I can't even go to autism. It doesn't mean fuck on the bus. Get the fuck off and go fucking the park or something. You're fucking chat. Have some fucking respect for yourselves. You're fucking chatty. Can'ts.

Ha ha ha ha. Let's get it big time. Oh, is that it? Cheddy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. You're fucking chat. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. Pretty wild.

Mmm. With Tom Segura. Mom Segura. And Christina. Malzecki. Welcome to your mom's house. I didn't tell you. Yeah.

This morning after I bathed in my own urine for medicinal purposes, I took a neighborhood walk, you know, and now our neighbor called me Christine. He did? Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. Which neighbor was it?

He's an older guy. He's so sweet. And he's like, okay, Christine, have a good walk. And I was like, not even going to correct you. No, you can't. You don't have much longer. Sweet old man. Yeah.

What am I going to do? Yeah. It's Christina, old man. Just remember this for the next month while you're still here. Yeah. Yeah, not worth it. I've never heard somebody called a fucking chit. Yeah, what's a chit?

Chits. You fucking chit. It's fucking really cool. I like it a lot. Can you Google chit? Yeah, it means like a disgusting person in Australian. Ah, cool. Australian.

Is Australian? Aussie? This isn't Australia. That's not Australia, Mike. Oh my God. It's United Kingdom? Yes. Yeah, for sure it is.

Yeah. You can't tell by that accent? No, it sounded Australian to me. Oh, hell no. The way you're saying the cunt, it sounds like it. Negative, bro. No. You're talking to the master of accents.

You fucking chit. You fucking chit. Yeah, I don't know. You don't fuck on the boss, Mike. You don't fuck on the boss, mate. No. I don't care if you're fucking homeless. Don't fuck on the boss, cunt.

Oh. Oh. You know what? Is this a first? Did I dethrone? Wait a minute. That's true. You don't fuck on the boss, mate.

I don't care if you're fucking homeless. Don't fuck on the boss, cunt. Don't fuck on the boss, cunt. It doesn't mean fuck on the boss. Get the fuck off and go fucking the park or something. You're fucking chit. Yeah, I think he's right. Respect for yourselves, you fucking chatty cunts.

I have to say for the first time ever, Nadov is right. I know, this is a fucking- Congratulations, Nadov. Crazy, crazy. Thank you. Give me my reply. All the time. Why am I just exclusive?

You chatty cunt. I think you're right. Wow. And I don't think autism makes you fucking public. It doesn't. No. I know a couple people with autism. Same.

They've never done that. Never come up, not even once. No. Not even the struggle to resist has come up. That's not that lane. No. No. They're not like that.

So that's a piss poor excuse. Piss poor. Yeah. It would be neat to fuck on a bus though. Would it? I wouldn't mind. You wouldn't mind? I think it's the least desirable.

You never did stuff in the back of the movie. The back row of anything is really where you want to be. The bus though? This is a dream. I could do it. I could do it. There's nobody in there. It has to be my time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's just an abandoned fucking vehicle at that point. Well, no, the driver's there. Okay. You said nobody's there. It's at night. Meaning other people, their passengers. That's the whole thrill of it.

Oh, well, not for me. I thought it would just be. So you can do it if it was parked and the guy was fucking refueling. Yeah. Maybe in a nice gas station, I could pop in and get a Snickers and then fucking the bus. Oh my God. What? All right.

You're on your own or just with fucking that guy, I guess. I'm not joining you on the bus. Wait, what's a chat again then? Like a disgusting person. You fucking shit. You fucking shit. Really, the bus. That turns you on.

You just said I could do it. In a pinch, I would fuck on a bus. In a pinch. You fucking chat. Jesus. You don't fuck on the bus, mate. Mate, you don't fuck on the bus, mate. Oh, he's got a point.

I mean, other people sit there all the time. That's the thing. It's disrespectful, right? It's gross. Yeah. It's a little disres... Movie theater is a little different. That's the thrill when you're a teenager and stuff.

Right. You make out your finger in the back row of a movie theater. You cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn and then you make her suck your dick through the... ...in the bucket. It's a little varsity. Okay. That's crazy. You fucking on public transportation.

You call it this varsity? You're an animal. Who the fuck is like, I could do it. I could. That's not a biggie. I don't feel like it's a big deal. I don't... My mind, that doesn't feel like a big deal.

Now, you know what? Why does that not feel like a big deal? I don't know. I feel like there's enough... It's public transportation. Sure, sure, sure. There's other people riding it. Hear me out.

You go in the back row. The back rows, usually it's a bench. So there's a lay down seat possibility. Uh-huh. And it's, you know, it's cloth. It's not hard. No, describe the whole scenario. And...

Are you on your side? On your back? I know. You got to go traditional. Or maybe I sit on the dude's lap. Okay. The face away or face him? Face of cow...

Yeah, reverse cowgirl. Now you're facing the passengers of the bus. Hey, guys. Yeah. You're just bouncing up and down? No one would even know. Oh, shit. This fucking can't notice.

You fucking shit. Yeah. I don't care if you're fucking homeless. Don't fuck on the bus can't. The bus can't. Yeah. This really, this is, I can't believe you're like... Well, there's, I'm saying, in my mind,

I'm thinking in relation to other public scenarios. For instance, the mile high club. I don't like the thought of, of fucking in that tiny bathroom where everyone's pissed all over the place. They usually stink. They usually smell. Smells like shit. First one on, it's pretty bad smelling.

And there's piss all over the floor. Piss on everything. But in a pinch, could you do it? I don't even see what the allure is. Everybody knows you're fucking in there. Yeah. And then the beach, I never understood that one. I fucked a lot on the beach.

Oh, stop it. I did. What do you mean you fucked a lot on the beach? I lived in a small beach community in high school. You fucked a lot on the beach, huh? I fucked, wait a minute, stay it slower. I fucked a lot on the beach. Like so many chicks got a cigar fucking dick down on the beach.

Yeah. It's not like I did it once. Did you at least have a blanket? Because I imagine the sand goes in your cooch. Of course. Of course. Yeah. I had a go bag.

A go bag. Yeah. What is in a go bag? Towels, wipes, change of clothes, sunblock, the whole fucking night. Oh, stop it. Yes. That wasn't unusual. Look, depending on your environment, you're going to adapt, right?

So if you're a kid in a beach town and you're in high school and you're a horny, it's harder. I mean, we checked into hotels. Sometimes these cheap little fucking hotels, but that was like a whole production. How did you have money for a hotel in high school? Please. So, but the beach was easier. You didn't have to, you know, you just, you parked at this one place and you'd walk down and it's like, it's empty.

It's pitch black out. You get moonlight. But wouldn't you be afraid of the police coming by and seeing you? Honestly, never. Never, they never checked. I never had that situation. I had police interrupt at the park, parked at the park one time. Police knocked on the window.

Park is a rookie move. Yeah, that was. The park is like everybody. Yeah. Flashlight. You're like, what the fuck? Like that's, that's scary. Parks parking lots.

Yeah. You want to avoid. Anywhere you can basically put a car is going to, is a red flag. But like with the beach, the move was you would park somewhere and then you walk a pretty like, you know, substantial walk. Then you go on this boardwalk, then down to the beach. So you're kind of like, it's, you're not near your car. So if somebody were to come and inspect your car, they're not going to find you right here.

I got you. They got to find you. You're a few hundred yards away. You can maybe hear him coming. I mean, I think I said, I'd be afraid of getting. You hear me coming. Oh my God. Like that.

And it's not how you sounded at 16. You were like, oh. So we listen, but I'd be afraid of sand in my asshole and my crotch. Yeah. You keep bringing this up as if this wasn't thought about. We put a towel down, a big beach towel. He cares. Listen, you know where I used to bang in the valley?

Yeah. There was the top of Rosita and you just drive up there and that's where you get faded and you fuck and then to paint a canyon. There's like that like overlook where everybody you're allowed to park your car. Yeah. I don't know if you can now. That's where you would bang. You'd fuck, finger, French, smoke pot, do whatever you want.

And these are all stories I've never heard before. Welcome to your mom's house. This is where we talk. Yeah. No idea. I had a boyfriend one summer. We went up there and fucked around all summer. It was great.

Really? Very romantic. It's very sweet to me. He was? Yeah. Was this your first boyfriend? No. No.

Different guy. So many. But it was a summer? Yeah. Summer love and just like Greece. I think you told me about this guy. Just like Greece. I think I know which guy it is.

You don't know which guy it is. Sure. If it's the summer guy you've told me about. That's a different summer guy. That's a different summer guy? God damn. There's many summers in college, Tom. Well, four.

Yeah. To be exact. Yeah. I mean, unless he took you longer. It did actually. Took five years to graduate. Okay. So this is a different summer guy.

I took semester off. Yeah. Yeah. Describe him. No. No. But I will say you had a cool car and the cool part, like looking back in retrospect, I'm like, oh, that was so cool.

Yeah. Like I got the total Sandra D experience, you know, like this guy had a cool car and we'd go and make out on Topanga Canyon. Oh, yeah. You'd finger and fuck too, you said. Later, later we fingered and fucked, but we start with Frenches and, you know, it was kind of innocent, more innocent. Really?

In the beginning, that summer. And like I said, we fucked later. I didn't fuck him that summer. Geez. You didn't fuck him that summer? No, I know. I made him wait. Okay.

Yeah. But nice. Sweet, sweet guy. How do you make him wait? Honestly, honestly. And you're, you know, you're asking, I know you get mad at me. It's a really normal question. How long did you make him wait?

Because I don't, I don't remember. You know why? Why? Because we were friends before. It was a long court. It's a long thing. It wasn't just like, Hey, I meet you and now we're doing that stuff. Yeah.

It took a time. It took a time. It took a minute, you know? Huh. Beach fucks. Interesting. I would not have known that you were a beach fucker. I could show you exactly the spot.

I would like to know it. Thank you. Could you show me where you were a young Tom Sakura ejaculated? I would love to see where you came as a teenager. The next time we go back. Many a nut there. To Florida. I'm being serious.

I want to see where you bang chicks next time we go back to Florida. Sure. Yeah. I'd be surprised if we don't stumble on somebody fucking when we get there. I was watching fast times at Ridgemont High last night and this cool guy picks up the young girl and he's like, Where do you want to go? Do you want to go to inspiration point? And it's just like a dugout of a baseball field.

I'm like, Oh, that's so depressing. There wasn't even a view. There wasn't even an ocean. Yeah. Fast times at Ridgemont High, the 26 year old guy picks up the young. She's 15. She says that she's like 19. And that's Nick DeMone.

Yeah. It's not him though. It's a different cool guy. And yeah, they go and they he literally is like, So you want to go now? And then he fucks her in like the dugout. That's it. That's it.

Disco sucks. That's the view of when she's getting fucked by the guy. That's it. That's inspiration point. Just a dugout. Well, I know you could do it in a pinch because you are. You're ready to do it on the fucking bus. Yeah.

That would have been ideal in high schools to have a place. You get laid down. It's too well. I still can't believe that you're cool with the bus. It's actually alarming. Do you want to know? I'll be honest with you. Why?

In San Francisco, we did a lot of bus drinking and drugging. So I feel like the bus is one of those places like you really aren't surveilled that back. I don't know. Now to fuck on it. I don't know if I had to in a pinch. Like I said, in a pinch. Who has to though?

No, you know what I mean? Well, when you live with your parents, you always need a place to fuck. So you'd be like, have a place of your own to fuck. Meet me on the corner of Ventura and Winnetka. We'll get on the bus. We'll fuck on the bus. That seems like something that a guy would be like, okay,

and you'd be like, absolutely not. We'll fuck on the bus. That any decent self-respect would be like, no, not the bus. But you're like, you know, what do you want me to do? People going home from work and you're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, I got the bus. I got the bus. Fuck it on the bus.

Who fucks on the bus? Chets. Jesus Chets. Fuck a homeless autistic guy in you. And you're like, it's reasonable. I mean, I'm just telling you. I'm in a pinch. I just I just I remember doing a lot of shenanigans on buses.

I guess so. This really it's really opens up a new like I didn't know about you just doing like not sex, but like drugs and different far so different. But yes, keep going. You know, I don't know. I just feel like a bus is a cool place. You could get away with stuff on it.

You could get away with stuff. I like a subway subway the harder to fuck on a subway. I imagine. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, probably would be that one. People coming in coming out a lot more. God, you're a real bottom feeder, man.

You're a trash dog. Jesus on the goddamn. But I mean, and they're also disgusting city buses. What do you mean? People are there like they shit themselves and they sit on the fucking seat and you're like, you're like, I got very limited time. We can't actually find a place.

It's got to be the bus. Well, I think that dugout was nasty, too, though. I would take that dugout over the bus 10 out of 10 times. You don't think they ever clean the bus seats? Of course they do. You think somebody fucking shits on them the next day. It's a city bus. But I'm thinking of an L.A.

city bus. No, no, yeah, but people don't take the bus in L.A. Those are practically out of here. There's their fucking packed. I mean, when I was a kid, we did, but all right, look, I can tell you're easily upset about this topic. Not sure why you're so upset. I don't know why you're shaming me about my my bus.

I mean, you say me all the time and you're bringing up sand in your cooch like it's a real issue. Meanwhile, you're like a fucking homeless lady and I'm not allowed to fucking explore the topic. Yeah, I bet people fuck on the bus a lot. I've seen people J their D's on buses a lot. You're right. And they all are mentally ill and homeless.

And you're like, count me in. Fucking hookers are like, do you have anywhere else you could take me? Do we have to do it here on the bus? Jesus Christ. What about a double decker bus on the top deck? No one's there. It's not a big deal.

Okay, so now you're you bang in London. Yeah. For this scenario. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. God, all right. Speaking of England. I'm sure everybody's heard by now.

Peter Murphy's in rehab. The lead singer of Bauhaus. What the fuck? He's English and it's completely fucked up my touring schedule because I was going to follow Bauhaus to a lot of different cities. So, okay. It's a real fucking bummer.

He had to cancel the Brooklyn show. Dallas has gone all the all the fucking North America country. What's he into? What's his drug? I mean, the rumor is cocaine. Yeah. Hair on. I think it's cocaine.

Both. I mean, it used to be the hair on, but rumor has it's the cocaine. Man, he was really, he was really jamming on the one in San Francisco. Having a good show. Now it makes sense because I was like, how old is this guy? And he was really jamming.

Ripping it. The shows were just fucking outstanding. Yeah. So, yeah, real talent. Yeah. You know, I know. I don't remember how bummed you were in this when this all the gods were devastated.

This was this is ripping through the community right now. So good news though. Last time I'm not last time, but he's been in rehab before and then the other guys in the band have formed other bands yeah, like tones on tail, which you like. So hopefully maybe those guys will, you know, make more music outside and then books and more gigs because you only tour of Bauhaus's tour.

That's right. Yeah. I was going to follow them to London, Spain, France. Damn. Are always ready. Yeah. Ready to do the whole thing. Now I'm not going to tour.

I'm really excited about it. I know. Well, now Jane's addiction is touring, so I may have to go see them. You are? I might. Go see Perry. Do you see Jane's addiction with me?

Sure. Yeah. Really? I mean, I'm not going to go on like eight fucking dates, but I'd go to see them once. They're coming to Austin, I think. That one sounds convenient. I'd probably go to that show.

Okay. You can, you can go travel the world seeing them. You can. No, I'm saying you can do that. Yeah, they're pretty cool. He like, he definitely does heroin. He'd fuck you on a bus. Look at him.

Jane looks exactly like the kind of guy. That's not Perry right there. That's Dave. Uh, what's his name? What kind of name? Navarro. Navarro. Yeah.

I think they used to do a lot of H. Oh, yeah. Not anymore. Big time. Not Perry, hasn't it? I think they're definitely sticking to sobriety now. Oh, yeah. At least Perry.

That's the impression. For sure. Yeah. Navarro, he was with, wasn't he with? What's her name for a while? Yes. Carmen. Yes.

Electro. Yes. Yeah. He's one of those guys, uh, from what I've seen on television, he's really into the Gothmo Tief as well. Like you go into his house and he's like, here's my coffin shaped coffee table. He also can pull it off.

Dude, he looks really fucking good. Yeah. He looks rad. Look at him. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. He looks fucking right.

He looks like a cool rocker, dude. Yeah. He does look like a cool rocker. He chose the right path. Wow. Look at that. He's got eyeshadow and shit on and. He looks amazing.

Fuck man. Dude, do you think he's had work done? I don't know. Maybe he's got amazing genetics. I don't even look like he's had work done. You think so? I don't know. I don't think so.

I don't know. He looks great. He does look cool. He looks cool as shit. Well, thank God we're communes. Looks like he could really confuse you sexually. Yeah, yeah, totally. Like you're a guy who keeps talking to you and you're like,

what the fuck's going on? Totally, right? He's like, step into the bath and you're like, all right. You'd fuck him on a bus. No. No. Nobody.

Nobody. That's you and your fucking gutter pigs on the bus. All right. I have standards. You're just fucking homeless. I'm a trash dog. Yeah. You're under a bridge.

You're like, this is cool too. Hey, don't touch my stuff. It's so true. Yeah. Don't touch my stuff. Dude. It's my shopping cart. Nasty.

What the fuck? I didn't put this in there. I don't know what this is. It just says rotting fish. Those fish? Yeah, rotting fish in his like boat or something. It's in his dry. Somebody forgot it in the boat, I think.

So now he's got to like try to empty everything out. He's being a little dramatic. He is maybe for camera, but also that probably smells on. If you forgot about fish, one time I lost fish. I lost. I couldn't find the salmon. They got in, you know, the drawer in the fridge. It got stuck in the slide.

I opened the door. I'm like, God, damn this smells and empty the fridge. I'm like, next day I go back. I'm like, it's still fucking. I emptied it and it was stuck in the drawer. And that was probably a few days. This is out in the sun. There's a thousand flies on it.

God, I think he actually this is he gives up. He was going to get the fuck out of here. You nasty motherfuckers. He's like shoveling it out. I don't know. I mean, just in the trash can. That's absolutely the whole neighborhood's going to suffer. You can't do it.

He's got two shirts and something wrapped around his face. There's got to be someone you can pay to do this, right? Yeah. I don't like it. I've had enough now. All right. Knock it off. Sorry, no more.

Jesus. I don't like that. That was disgusting. Brascals. I'm white in my teeth. Can you tell? With what? These strips I got from the dentist.

So much. So easy. You're so jealous. I'm very jealous. I'm going to see her soon. Oh, yeah. Yeah. She gets some whitening strips.

I'm just saying she gave you strips. Yeah, you get them. They're just disposable. How do you do it? It's like daily. How I just I have a white in my teeth since before I got my veneers before Ellis was born, you know. Yeah.

And then I was like, dude, I should do a refreshing. Yeah, they look good. Fucking chops. They look good. I haven't done it in years. This morning or yesterday on Saturday. You just leave them on for 20 minutes. Like when it starts to burn, I take them off because I don't

want my gums to be all burned up. Yeah, next few days, but it is so so easy to strip on. Yeah, dude. So they give it to you at the dentist with like it's preloaded. So you just pop them in and that's it. And that's it before. Yeah, you look like a fucking asshole, but before I used to have to put the jelly in the tray and then and then that shit

leaks into your guns and burns the fuck out of your. These ones don't they're rad. I mean, I'll do it. Do you do that too with the jelly? They gave me those trays and then I forgot to bring them with me to Austin. Oh, I think I need to rewrite the ones that are ready. Yeah, it was like you had the tray and then you needed to

like inject the gel into that. That's what I'm saying. I used to do it that way and it hurts like fuck. You can get kinds that are like pre done and these didn't like zap you like a day or two later. No dog, but that's because I took it out. I know better because I'm a professional whitener. You didn't you get that like cold pain?

No, but then again, like I said, I kept it to like 20 minutes. They look good. Let me see. Yeah, they look good. Look at those chomps. Thanks guys. Thanks too much fluid consumption. I have to pee.

I'm going to pee out of my eyes. Oh, okay. Go pee, pee out. Don't don't hold it. Go fuck on a bus too. Such a necessary potty break. Yeah. Guys, guess what?

The bus fuckers come into town. Go ahead and let them know where they can see. So rude. The bus fuck tour. November 3rd, Washington, Dick come. It's a make it's a make good date for the DC improv and then November 4th and 5th. I'm in judo or titties at Caroline's and then November 18th

Biloxi, Mississippi at Bo Revives. Okay, you come November 19th. Ben Salem, Ben Salem, Ben Salem, Park Casino Park Casino. Let me see all that stuff. November 2nd and 3rd, Danya Beach, Florida, Christina P online.com. I'll be announcing 2023 dates. I have no problem swallowing.

Is it Danya or Danya? I thought Don, I say Danya, Danya, Danya. I don't know. Is it the date? I don't, I really don't know. Where is that in Florida? Yeah, I think it's on the west side. Danya Beach.

Danya. Danya. Danya. That is on the, is that on the west, right on the other side? Western coast. It's in Florida. Oh, I see. Up the state.

Hit that map. That's at all time low. Where is it? Oh, no, it is on the, oh, it's down there. It's by Hollywood. I had no idea. What are you doing a club there? Yeah, the improv.

Oh, is that's where it is now? Yeah. I didn't know that. That's where it spits. That is where it spits. It's right in there in Fart Lauderdale. Fart Lauderdale. Oh, yeah, that's the, it's the Fart Lauderdale then.

Yeah. Yeah, Fart Lauderdale. That's the best one. That was my favorite one ever. Fart Lauderdale, so juvenile. But Jewdork titties is still the best one, I think. It's pretty good. Jewdork.

Go ahead. Oh, so you remember a little while ago, we were fascinated by this man who couldn't get over his hiccups? Yeah. And then we found that there was a man who had hiccups for 68 years. Right? So this was the original. I'm off to see a doctor because I've had hiccups for over 48 hours.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. They're really painful too. And I have like voiceover stuff. Crazy, right? For over 48 hours. Really crazy. I would kill myself. He sent a follow-up.

So for anybody wanting to follow up to my crazy hiccup situation, I'd gotten really bad food poisoning several days back. So my stomach went uber-duber acidic to try to kill the bug inside of it. Well, that acidity caused irritation to the stomach and my esophagus. That crazy acidic irritation prompted hiccups. And that's why no internet hiccup cures would do anything for me because obviously drinking water real fast or holding my breath isn't going to change the irritation of my inner organs.

So the hiccups went on for days because I guess the acidity level wasn't changing. I wasn't aware of this. I went to my doctor. She figured this out. Describe me some really strong antacids. At the last 24 hours, I have been hiccup-free. Oh my gosh.

So, hey, that's good. I had them for two and a half days or a little more. And now they're gone. So thanks to everyone who was concerned, but I'm better now. And thanks to my doctor. Pretty wild. Thank God it was a woman. So the stomp.

I think it was a woman. Stupid bitch figured it out. Usually women aren't smart like that. Good point. They're usually just crawling on the floor of a bus. Yeah, but it's amazing that his stomach, you know, basically trying to cure itself got too acidic. Makes hiccups.

Proud to the hiccups. But it also made me wonder about the guy that's 68 years because obviously that wasn't acidic. Unless he had some crazy every day. His stomach was doing that. I mean, it's just so sad. What year was that when he finally? It ended in like 98 or something.

Yeah, so it's recent. It's kind of recent, yeah. Because I always think about what if this happened to you in like the medieval period. 1990, it ended, yeah. I mean, 1990. I don't know. Did they know that stomach acidity could cause?

I'm sure. I'm sure. That's not that long ago. It's so crazy that they couldn't help this man. I don't know. But don't you think about it like back in the olden times, like you just, if you had something wrong with you, like that was it.

You just have the hiccups forever, like antacids. Well, also you could just get, you know, a bad cold and they'll be like, just let them die, you know. Oh my God. Or just like my tooth broke right the other day. I had a root canal. Like there's no root canal. They just pulled it to that.

When my arm broke, they would just cut that arm off. Cut that arm off. And your leg. And the leg. You'd be an amputee right now. Yeah, double amputee. I'd be a double amputee. And they'd be like, why?

I'd be like, well, he fell. Yeah. That's it. You're done. That's what happens when you fall. Like I think about how much medicine is saved. Like just your eardrums, every time you have an ear infection is okay.

Every time I've had these, I've had so many sinus infections. Yeah. They would just be like, he's going to die. Nelonia. Yeah. Put them outside now. Yeah.

Let them die. All the, thank God for modern medicine. I know. I mean that in urine therapy, obviously. Urine therapy has done so much. For me, my lifestyle, you guys have seen me change. It's all because of my urine. And I encourage you to try it.

Gargle it, bathe in it, drink it, cook with it. Your urine or their own urine? Well, your own. So if you can't get ahold of my, I don't know why I would help you, but your own will help you. It always does. It always does.

So you know what we didn't talk about? What's that, my wife? A couple of weeks ago, we went to pick up the boys from school and we're sitting in the carpool lane. And this funny fucking thing happened, right? This guy, there's a long line on a residential street to pull into school. It's very common, you know, all over the world that pickup time.

Well, I see the guy bust a U-turn and I'm like, that's weird. And then he just leaves his car in the middle of the road. And the line, like we're in the line and there's, you know, 25 cars behind us, but he's up there in the middle of the road. And I'm like, what's he doing? And as it gets closer for like the school to open up,

it hits me that this guy is going to cut in the line, you know? And I assume it's a woman. You did. I did. Because you, why? Because women are fucking idiots and stupid. Well, they're not just stupid, but they're like,

you know, it's an SUV. It was like gold in color. I'm like, that's a fucking chick pic right there, you know? I'm gonna be gay. Yeah, like a gay color. And I see the car inching and I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me. And so when the car starts to move, I get out of the car

and first I go to the car. It's in front of me and I go, hey, the line is moving. You got to fucking go, you know? And she was like, oh, I know that was a woman. And then we pull in and you said you're going to say something to him, aren't you? And I go, fuck yeah. I'm going to keep in mind, like I'm saying this, like you're

going to say something, aren't you? Like I'm scared. And then it's not only that, like this is when little kids are coming out. There's the principal. It's like, what's going to happen? Yeah, so I get out, we pull in and as the cars are slowing, some are slowing down.

I see the window of time because he's going to pull up. So I jump out of the car and I walk over to his window and I just go, hey, did you not see all of us behind you? And he's like, what's that? What? I said, you not see everybody behind you? He did this whole thing where he was like, he started to like, he's like, all of you behind me.

I go out there on the street. I go, you cut off like 30 people. And he was like, oh, because he said he saw a work truck. He's like, I knew the work truck wasn't in the line. So I just went in front of the work truck. I go, well, the work truck was in front of all of us. Fuck head. So and he was like, I apologize.

I was like, yeah, I'm sure. Like he did. You're going to fucking throw down. I was afraid that you're going to choke this guy out in the carpool line. I wanted to rip his eyes out of his head. I know. Well, it's not fair to cut in the carpool line.

Like he played dumb. Like he didn't know he knew is unless it's your first carpool. Yeah. I doubt it is. I got him good at the end though. I did. I said nicely, your wife to lend you her car. And I walked back to her car.

Thank God. You fucking chick car. And I walked back. You're going to get us fired from there. Babe. You know, our son said the other day he hated. He hated his tennis lesson. Like how was tennis?

He goes, I hate it. And he goes, please fire me. He didn't know how to say I want to quit. He goes, fire me, fire me, please fire me. I was like, you want to quit? He goes, yes. So boring. Please fire me.

I know. You fucking hated it so much. He did. Can I tell you something I've discovered in my life? And it took me like a million years. Yeah. This is going to sound stupid. Just like my observation last week that fitness makes you feel better.

You did. That was amazing. Yes. Well, here's one that's really going to yank your dick. Are you ready? Yeah. You should only do stuff you like. No.

Hear me out. Hear me out. I'm not talking about responsibilities and such. Like if you're a responsible human that does stuff in a timely fashion and you're not a procrastinator. I'm talking about like, hey, I have a free moment around the house. Yeah. And I go, I should be doing got, got, got that.

And instead I've, lately I've been like, give it. I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to do that. I want to just take a nap. I want to do what I want to do. I want to do what I want to do. And I've been doing that more and it's made me a lot happier. This is very, very good stuff. I'm serious.

No, you're right. You're right. It's also, you know, it's great for as you get older, you learn this stuff. When to turn down things. Uh-huh. That doesn't, you know, a long time. I feel like 20, 30 years are spent just being like, what are you doing? Okay.

Like you go to things that you're like, I don't want to do it. I know. And I finally, you know, recently, it's not just right now, but I would say in the last few years, any scenario that is pitched to me that I'm like, oh, I know I won't enjoy that. I immediately just go, oh, I'm not going to that. Yeah. And then, oh, this will be fun.

I go for you. Not for me. Not for me. I don't want to do that. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Anyplace I don't have an out from. Oh my God.

Forget it. Forget it. These social gatherings that it's like, we'll take you. No, no, no, no, I'll take myself. Don't worry about it, but that's what I'm saying. Someone else is in charge of it too. Like if somebody's running the thing, I'm like, mm-mm. It's the shoulds.

You go, yeah, but I should do, I should want to do this or I should do that. And you're like, but I don't want to do that. I should do it. I don't want to fucking do any of it. You know what my nightmare scenario always is? This sounds really crazy, but I see people out on the lake here and I imagine being a passenger on somebody else's boat. I know what you're talking about.

And you're like, you're just out. You're at their mercy of when this outing ends. Nothing makes me crazier. I mean, crazier than the idea that I would be like, all right, what's up? And they're like, well, now we're going to sit out here. Like for how long? They're like, I don't know. Today, we'll just spend the day out here.

I'd be like, do you have a life vest? Because I'm going to swim to the shore right now. Yeah. You know, but it just absolutely makes me nuts. Guess who's going to hold people hostage for his birthday? The dove. Aren't you doing this? Yeah.

Yeah, we're floating the river. You're taking your friends out. Taking these chats out. You're taking those chats out on the boat. Okay. He's not even a boat. Inner tubes. Floating the river.

He's going to make them. That's different. He's going to hold them hostage. That's a little different. It's like what you're saying. Your worst case. Yeah. You're doing a six hour outing?

No, it's like, I think it's like three hours. Oh, that's fine too. But it's not bad. Inner tubing. And then you drink beer and then you just piss as you float. I'm talking about the person's like, meet me. Meet me at this dock. Oh my God.

And you're like, okay. And then it's like right away. My thought is like, when we come back and they'll be like, when the day. When we feel like it. I'm like, I already feel like it right now. I feel like it. Yeah.

You did? Yeah. Chad took us on a boat for his birthday. How was it? Oh, no. It was very fun. They loved it. Yeah.

How long were you out for? That's what they said. Like three, four hours? I didn't go. Because I'm like, Tom, you know, you got pulled. You said you got pulled over on the way over there. And that's why you couldn't make it. I did get pulled over.

It was a great excuse. Real, real nice guy. Yeah. Very cool. Very cool way to skip out on transbirth. I am a hundred percent on any side. Yeah. T-Manny all the way.

Like all the way close because we've done function. You were done like, um, we've done an event, a family event on a boat before. And it's just you're held hostage. I hate that feeling. I hate that more than any feeling. Same. Like I don't want to do this. Or remember like school dances on boats and shit too.

Oh, God. And you're just like, how many more hours am I going to have to be on this fucking thing? Insanity. Um, I have to. Do your thing. Do a thing. Stuff like that, go. Stuff like that.

I'll do my ass. We'll do, we'll be right back. We will be back. This is not the end of the show. Did a business call? Show business. Everything's business. Oh.

Show business. Buy, sell and buy, sell, buy, sell. I just peed and you ever forget when you take a bunch of vitamins and then you pee bright yellow and you're like, I'm severely dehydrated. Oh, yeah. And then I forget all the time. Stupid. Did you forget that you were severely dehydrated or you took vitamins?

I took so many vitamins. Yeah. Do you feel, I don't feel different when I take a lot of the vitamins I'm supposed to take. Sometimes I feel nauseous. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I find them nauseating.

Yeah. Cause I got to eat them like after you eat. When I take them on empty stomach, I always regret it. You're all like, fuck, fucking wish I didn't do that shit, huh? Yeah, totally. Cause I, cause I wonder, I wonder if it's really necessary to take those vitamins. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I feel like especially if you take them every day, your body just pisses them out. Pisses out what you don't need. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I should really get back on my vitamin supplement game. It really, man. Did you feel better though? I don't feel any different.

I don't know. I don't know. I go so hard that I don't know. I'm serious. You go so hard that you don't know what you mean. I'm in four different time zones a week. Oh yeah. Yeah.

You're crazy talents. I don't know. I just, I just know like sleep. That's it. That's the thing I'm trying to manage the most. I need sleep. I would say you're accurate. I would say that sleep is the biggest predictive factor of the kind of day I will have.

Yeah. I could have definitely cause slept more today, but I wanted to work out before we came here. Cause I knew it would be terrible after this. Yeah. Yeah. Sleep and diet. If I eat like shit, forget about it. Like it's, uh, if I even, if I eat something I like that makes me feel terrible.

It's just your whole day is over. Don't you find that the more that you're doing this thing, the more you actually go like, I don't really want that stuff? Yeah. Cause you ruin, you blow your work. Yeah. You're like, well, I'm just, I just blew this day up then. Why would I do that?

Stupid dummy. Yeah. In your head. You're like, you fucking dumb shit. You're not, you're not a fucking dumb drunk. You're not a drunk walking around asking people what kind of cheese they like. You know, what's your favorite cheese? What's your favorite?

What's your favorite cheese? What's your favorite cheese? I know. Yo, what's your favorite cheese? Jerks. Don't you miss your twenties? I do for that reason. Yeah.

That guy. What's your favorite cheese? Nunchego. Really? You gotta be kidding me. Yeah. I would have never guessed that. And I've known you for a million years.

I did not know that. I learned something new all the time. Yeah. I thought you would have liked that drunken goat. I do. I love drunken goat. Goat cheese is good. Well, this is a revelation to me.

I would say my answer would be Nunchego. What's my favorite? You're like fucking Parmesan in a fucking box. In my hand, not in a box. I pour the shaky cheese in my palm. You want to fuck me on a bus? You bring that Parmesan cheese. Treat a lady right.

Put it in my hand. Where do we get off? You're the worst. Northridge. All right. You know what? Stop it. But that's what you love about me is my shaky cheese.

My shaky cheese status. Yeah. I'm shaky cheese for life. You are shaky. You're not pretentious. No. Listen, you could put me in a nice jacket and put these nice pearls on me, but I'm still trash.

I still like to be who I am on the inside. I'm still a valley lady. It's true. I still like shitty stuff. I like it. You know what I stopped doing though too in my older years now? Is I stopped judging how my brain works and just like roll with it. Really?

Yeah, like that's a really big thing to get to. It's a big deal because usually I'd be like, no, you shouldn't think that way. That's that's bad or that's stupid. And now I'm like, isn't that silly? That's fucking you just accept that your brain operates the way it does. Yeah. And I've been trying to fight it for so long. I think we all are mentally ill.

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's a big thing for most people is, oh my God. Oh, what am I doing? And then maturity and wisdom, you know, growing up, I think those people get older. They just go, this is the way I am. Like I accept so many things about myself now. I'm like, just I'm just wired this way, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. I think I fought it for so many years that because I thought, oh, I'm maybe I'm crazy like my mom or maybe I'm, you know, fuck up. Cause this, this kind of thinking got me in trouble when I was younger or whatever, you know, and now I'm like, oh, fucking do a shit. I'm going to die. Sure.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Cares. I just may as well enjoy it. Yeah. And I say crazier stuff to people now today. I barked back at a dog. I did.

I did. I was walking through the neighborhood and this little dog was barking at me. Just telling me what was up. And I go, yeah. And I barked right back at it. What did it do? And I just, we just had a bark off. Yeah.

And it was fun. And I was like, you know what? I'm the lady that barks back at dogs. It's fucking cool. What the fuck are you going to do? Yeah. Hey, what do you want from me? What do you want from me?

This one dog goes this way. One dog goes this way. One dog goes that way. It looks like a friend. Oh, yeah. We got to be it. I bought that picture for a house. Yeah.

It's very big. I messed up. I don't know numbers. You know what I mean? It's like, it's five inches by 20. I don't fucking know. I just, I saw the most popular size. So I was like, I'll just get that one.

And love you all fucking things showed up so big. But I put it, I put it somewhere where it's, it, I think it works. Do you think it's too big? No, it works there. It works in the space. But also when it came out, I was like, holy shit. It's tremendous. It's stupid.

It works in that space though. But I like it now because people come over and they'll be like, oh my God, that's one dog goes this way. One dog goes that way. Yeah, yeah. And if you know it, if you know it and now you know. See, that's what I've decided to in our house. Like there's a way you should decorate your house and the way we decorate the house.

And just doing it my way now. Sure. Right? Who gives a fuck? I don't give a fuck. Who gives a fuck about shit? You think I'm, yeah, go fuck yourself. You don't like it?

Yeah. Go suck my tits. You remind me of this lady. Suck my tits. Yeah. She's not busy. Yeah. Whoo.

Whoo. Fuck face. Well, she kind of reminded me of what you were saying about just accepting how your mind works. Yeah. Let it rip. Let it rip. Yeah.

Well, she didn't take her meds this morning. Hmm. I don't want to do that to you. I got your army has your other arm. We're going to make this as comfortable for you as possible. My teacher all you fuckers. Get off of me. Stand up.

Yeah. Get off of me. My life. Which lives? Blue lives. Oh, well. It's all over the place. There's all she's addressing so many of today's issues.

Blue lives matter. So does mine. My uterus. Yeah. She's really hitting all those boxes. Pretty cool. Yeah. I have a political campaign.

I'm running. Oh, sorry. That was an accident. I'm sorry. Get back up. Please. Kiss my black ass. Wait a minute.

Black people love me. Annie. Is he LOLing? I can't tell with the mask on. You know, I'm not going to lie. I was pretty intrigued by this bitch the whole time. She's kind of right. She's kind of right.

You'd like to see her fight Nicki Minaj on national television? I would fucking love to see her try to do that. That would be great. Maybe she had a really good point with that. I had to tell you Nicki Minaj is not to be trifled with. Oh, yeah? She's got harsh words. I follow her on the gram.

Oh, yeah. I'm on TikTok. She's savvy. She's fucking quick. Look at these poor cops. Look at that cop so defeated behind her. Just like, Jesus Christ. This mental patient.

What did Nicki do that got you all? No, I always see her, you know. She has 200 million followers. Oh, yeah. God damn. Oh, yeah. She's always like. That is wild.

She's, I always see interviews with her where she's like, don't fuck with me. I'll fuck with you. I fucking do my pictures. I do my thing. You don't fucking know me. Like she's just really, really bright and she pops, dude. Yeah.

That's just an astonishing following. Is that more than the Kardashian? I don't know. The Kim Kardashian? I don't know. No, I think Kim K's got more than. But that's still, it's still absolutely insane. 200 million, 330 million.

That is unfathomable. Yeah. I really can't wrap my head around that. That's a lot of peeps. That is amazing, huh? I always get blown away by the. Red band follows Kim K. Good. Of course.

That the, what's it called? The soccer stars, you know, their followings compared to let's say a football, like Tom Brady or something. It is 10 times the amount. Really? Look at Cristiano Ronaldo. Does soccer is more worldwide? Of course.

But look at this following. Look at this. 481 million followers. That's more than Kim Kardashian. Yeah. This guy's built like me. Look at this fucking thing. That's because of those abs.

And now Christina, do you think fitness makes him more attractive or no? Those faces of five, get the body to a leg or seven, the knees and eight. I mean, he's handsome. I fuck him on a bus for sure. Right in front of the bus. He's done that before, by the way.

Oh, he's fucking somebody right now. He's not done that before. Why are you shame head if I fucking on the bus? I've done these many times. How about Messi? How about Leo Messi? These 480 million. I know, but I bet this Instagram is also crazy as shit.

Messi's got to be nuts too. Right? That is so crazy. Yeah. Look at that. That's a soccer player. Christ. 360 million followers.

That is crazy. Now look at Tom Brady. Tom Brady. He plays baseball in America. Right? Huge, huge star here. I mean, really massive. Well, he's handsome too.

12.6. Right. Right. Shane Gillis follows him though. Well, I know he's, I mean, he's a phenomenal player. He's probably arguably the greatest quarterback of all time. He's in commercials. Everybody knows this guy.

I know his name. Of course, 12 million, which is obviously substantial. Those guys, 3 and 400 million followers? It's astonishing. Astonishing. Yeah. And they're not too harsh on the eyes. Those two soccer players, you showed me that might be a little something, something.

I see more of a Ronaldo guy. Which one was he? The previous guy. Yeah. With the abs. Let me see Ronaldo. This kid? This guy, yeah.

This guy. Yeah, he's handsome. I like him. Whereas what Latin country is he from? He's from Portugal. Love it. Oh, yeah. This guy is so handsome.

Is he married? Yeah. He fucks. Soccer. Yeah. Yeah. I think this guy doesn't fuck. Come on.

That's true. Plus, plus in Portugal, they're probably way looser than the uptight Americans about those sort of things. Yeah. Yeah. He's definitely. His wife is like, he's okay. He is my love.

You just use longest. His balls are full often. Men have needs. He's okay. Yeah. As long as you come home to me. You're signing up for something with this guy, for sure. I know.

I always think about that. Like what about with Posh Spice and Beckham? Oh my God. Do you think Beckham gets a long leash? I mean, there had to be a point where they're, I don't know, maybe not now, but there had to be a point where it was pretty long. Yeah. Where she just was like.

That guy. Again, he's still fucking so handsome. He's been retired for, I don't know, how many years now? Yeah. 75 million followers. I got to say though, like, how many, he has 75 million? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I feel like the pressure to be with somebody that attractive. It's a lot. Like, I think it would fuck me up. I don't know. You're very attractive. Don't get me wrong. Thank you. But like, I think that pressure.

You're too much? It's too much. Yeah. I would feel like, oh my God, is every, oh God. Is every woman looking at him? Yeah. Yes. All the time.

Yes, they are. It's too much pressure. 1,000%. Every woman that talks to him is not interested in anything but one thing. I know. They're not like, oh look, he's aging. He still looks fucking amazing. He's still great.

It's like Leonardo DiCaprio too, you know? Like we discussed. He's not, I don't think he's this good. Wronger. No. Can I tell you something? What? Leonardo DiCaprio is an example of someone who the face is a 10, but the bod.

I don't think the face, you think the face is a 10? It used to be. Like what I'm saying in his youth, yeah, he's a movie star. I think he's very handsome. I'm saying that the body because he, he never worked on the body. I know, but objectively. Yeah. That's a 10 face.

Look at him when he was, listen. All I'm saying is answer the question. Let me, two words, three words. Make, get a fuck, pull a fucking more current picture. Romeo and Juliet. That movie, Romeo and Juliet. I fell in love with him then and I was a teenager. So I still see him in that lens.

I understand. But I'm out. You say he is a movie star. He's probably the world's biggest movie star. That's not a 10. Get out of here. You saw a guy at the grocery store. He'd be like, oh my God.

But my point is, you're right. Maybe he's not a 10. Maybe he's like a seven or eight. Yeah. But listen, but the fact that is actually, I actually feel like if you didn't know who that was at all. I know. You might not even remember the face.

That's true. Like that, like that guy, that guy could be my dentist. I don't know. Maybe I'm blinded by young Leo. That's what she said. But how about the picture you highlighted right here? That could be the soccer coach. You don't think that looks just like a normal guy?

Yeah. Yeah, currently he was like a five. I know. But see, but if he was really struggling. Yeah, my brain's kind of like. I know, me too. Pulling tricks. But babe, if he worked on his bod, he could bring it up.

Which is why he's such a boss though. Let's go back to the trip. So there he is. I know. The bod is. This is why he's a bad motherfucker. I know. Because he doesn't even give a fuck on his body looks like that.

I know. He doesn't care. And guess what? He's never gonna care. He's never. He doesn't have to. He's like in his mid 40s, late 40s. He's my age.

He doesn't. He's like, do you realize how much like I bring to the table? My face is fine. My body's not great. I'm the world's biggest movie star. Do you want to get on board? This is so crazy, dude. It's crazy.

Yeah. Can I tell you who I've liked? Young and old? What? John Cusack. Really? We saw him once at a hotel. I think you have a type and it's basically not that good looking.

And I feel like it's a real backhanded compliment to myself. No, I love John Cusack. We saw him in person during the pandemic and he still looks great. What? I mean, John Cusack is so cute. You don't think this is adorable. Look at John Cusack. But I mean, we're looking at him.

I'm looking. He's so cute. I disagree. Better off dead? I think he looks fine. Like a normal guy. I don't think you would even for a second remember that face if you didn't know his work. Then you know what?

Maybe I like normal. I like a man who's attractive. Enough. But not Beckham. Right, which is me. Yeah. You just described me. You said it in more than one way.

You go, thank God you're not this good looking. Here's who I find attractive. Regular guys who you otherwise would never remember if they weren't famous for their work. You would never fucking remember that guy's face. I don't know. Bull, if you saw that guy at the grocery store, you think you'd be like, you know, that guy today. No, you would just be like, it was a guy weighing apples. You wouldn't register it.

But to you, now you're acting like you would. Please get the fuck out of here. I don't know. You're asking the impossible because I already have a preconceived notion. Of course, that's why I have a relationship in my mind already with him. Do you understand? I can't I can't divorce myself. Can't go with the soft lens.

This is a bullshit fucking photo. It is a soft lens. Use the real fucking picture. Look at a young Judd Nelson. So handsome, too. Who was your crush as a teenager? Who did you watch when you were a teenager? Top shelf tale.

It was always the best pussy. Oh, my God. Stop it. Top shelf tale. Always. Tens. Yes. Tens. Not case fucking fours that you're like, look at this guy.

So who's a 10? Who's your who's your teenage? When I was a kid, it was like Nicole Egert. Wasn't that her name? Please. She was gorgeous. Yeah. Nicole Egert, a stunner.

Oh, she's so. Yeah, I was jacking off to this. Not this like, I guess it's very, very, very, very. Well, you like basic bitches. It's not my fault. She's not a basic bitch. She's just a fucking blondey. Get out of here.

She looks great. No, I mean, okay. That's basic. Please. She's a gorgeous blondey typical. I'm just saying she's very typically blondey. You asked who I jacked off to in those years. I like Nicole Egert.

I like she was stunning. I like the SI before they had fucking offensive linemen on the cover. I was into all of them, you know, El McPherson. Oh, gorgeous. Kathy Ireland. Yeah. You know, the supermodels of those days.

Gorgeous. That's what informed my blood into my penis. El McPherson more than Kathy. Yeah, let me look at you now. Gorgeous. That was a. And I look just like these chicks, which is the best part. Just like them.

No pressure. Yeah. El McPherson was stunning, man. Really? I mean, I remember that picture. I came all over it. It was like, oops, I forgot to put on the whole suit. I remember that.

That's an all iconic. I mean, when you're fucking 13 and you see this fucking changes your whole life. Yeah. I thought she was unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Drop that bitch.

Yeah. Yeah, she's. But again, you know, when you talk about the pressure, the pressure to imagine the pressure to be. To be with El McPherson. It's too much. And then she's like, I'm going out. You're like, where are you going?

With who? Yeah. She's like, just out with some friends. Like, I mean, when are you coming back? I don't know. Yeah. Or like if you gain five LBs, you know what I'm saying? Like, don't you feel like you have to look perfect

because you're next to that all the time? Well, you'd be trying. Hell yeah. All the time. I'd be like, oh my God. But you know who wouldn't try is Leonardo DiCaprio. He'd be like, you know the deal. This is what you signed up for.

Leo has the same thing that Nicholson had. Yeah. Nicholson has a more memorable, way more memorable face because he has like this very expressive quality to it. His body was like, you know, kind of lean normal in his like 30s, 40s, 50s. And then as he got older, he just let it go older. You know, he's an older man, you know, 70s and 80s now.

But it was also like, hey, this is, you signed up for the movie star. Yeah. This is the program here. Well, Marlon Brando too in the end really. Well, but he was a 10 in his earlier, a 10. I know. Look at Marlon Brando.

Young Marlon Brando. Get out of here. But he's aged horribly. I mean, look at this handsome gent. Come on. This guy? Stunning. He fucks you on top of the bus like, climbs up on the roof.

He fucks me and then he fucks everyone else on the roof. And then the driver asked for permission to keep driving. God damn. God damn. Look at that one next to it with the white T on right, that guy right there. He probably is that three seconds later, he pulled his dick out and some fucking check on set came over and worked it out for him.

Okay, babe. Calm down. Relax. Okay. Oh, look at him here in the suit. Look at this fucking deli. Stunner. What nationality was he?

He's fucking Italian. He's Italian? I think so. And now Google Marlon Brando old. Oh my God. The fucking apocalypse now. Back up the burt truck. Oh fuck.

You know, but by apocalypse now, he couldn't remember his lines and I, yeah, yeah, Marlon. That's sad. Yeah, it fell apart. But he had a great run. Did he ever? He had a great run. God, nature is cruel, isn't she? Yeah, it's just life.

They said to, they had, you know, I saw an interview with one of his friends, a lady friend, talking about his weight and she was like, yeah, he never indulged in alcohol. He never indulged in drugs. She goes, he just liked food. So he got older whenever he coped with anything he just ate. Yeah. Everyone's got something. Yeah.

Gosh. He just blew up. Real big boy. Gosh. Well, all right. There you go. Okay. Okay.

Okay. All in this together. Yeah. Because you don't respect women and that's the only problem. Are my nipples showing because my shirt's riding? Nope. No. Because if they were honestly, they're all right.

And she's wearing a peaceful shirt that says, all in this together with different shades of color. I know. She's like a mishmash of every Instagram thing you're supposed to support. Yeah, she really is. It's everything. She's got a lot going on. She's got good nipples.

She's only being detained. She's not under arrest. How does detainment mean? Yeah, for their safety and yours and whatever until they situate, they could detain you, I guess. Cool. But she's not under arrest. I guess I think if this video continued, she'd probably be under arrest.

That was it though. Jesus Christ. I wonder, I mean, was the charge just like this crazy woman singing on her patio? I don't know. It seems to me that she probably provokes quite often and yeah, that was a wellness check. That makes sense. Yeah, but she probably was on her front stoop. Just singing and stuff.

I did a wellness, I did another wellness checks. What do you mean? I've done a number of ride-alongs with the police, different cities. Okay. We've done wellness checks before. And what does it entail? It makes you kind of feel like this where you're like, oh shit, something's going to happen. So you just knock on the door like, hey, you're not on fire or cutting up cats or whatever it is?

Sort of. And then they like to get you outside and look at your housing, your situation. They're looking for weapons. They're looking for safety kind of situation and are there other people there? They start asking you questions. See if you're coherent enough to answer those questions. Please, please. So you know your motherland has a lot of cool shit usually going on?

She's always the coolest. Did you know that in 2019 they installed a musical road? I do know this. For in the memoriam of Lazio Bodi? Lazlo probably. Better know by his stage name Sipo? I don't know what his real name. Lee Singer from the band Republic.

When going on the side of the road, one can hear an approximately 30 second snippet of their song. If you're going the right speed. If you're going the right speed. The road sings to you. If you're not white, leave our country. Gays are not welcome in Gypsy. Go away, go away. Go away, gay Gypsy.

That's so cool. That's kind of a nice song. I know. See every now and then the Hungarians do some super cool and nice like that. That was like out of nowhere. You're like the Hungarians did that? Yeah. Just to make life enjoyable and then you're like, ah, you got me back in this culture.

You got me back in. Because they do like stuff like joy and holidays. And then, you know, then the Holocaust, it's like stuff like that. Then. The Holocaust, they really. They handed over a lot of J's. And a lot of Gypsies. Anybody with a limp, they're like, take them.

Take them all. Here we go. Yeah. We participated pretty easily in that. Everybody's like, oh, we will invade. They're like, you don't have to. You're going to have them. You're welcome.

What else do you want? What else? Yeah. That's true. We just want to keep people like this. Is there anything else? Here you go. You know, it's so funny.

I was just thinking about my parents the other day when my dad said the first time he visited Detroit. Remember when he came on your mom's house a long time ago? And he said, I landed in Detroit and I saw big cars and I saw black men. A black guy with a suit and a feather in his hat. And what did he say? This is where I want to be. Yeah.

This is the place to be. He said, this is where I should have been all along. Yeah. I never thought Detroit in the 60s was better than Budapest. Yeah. Do you understand like how? In the 70s. In the 70s.

How horrible your life has to be. Yeah. He saw a pimp and he was like, this is how I want to do. I know. I know. It's so great. It's pretty amazing. Yeah.

Pretty inspiring shit, right? Very cool stuff. You know, we were talking about last week with Matt that, you know, the pop stars, they just fucking, it's just a lot of pressure and she kind of goes well on them. Sure. And then I didn't see this completely. I just saw a snippet of this, but it's, it's probably worth looking at. I guess Lady Gaga had to cancel her.

I saw this because of lightning. Yeah. But she really gets emotional. It's really good. I saw it. Hi everybody. Thank you so much for coming to the Chromatica Bowl and we really tried to finish the show tonight.

So what? But we couldn't because even when the rain sort of stopped, there was lightning that was striking right down to the ground so close to us. Okay. I know that for a really long time. I've always wanted to be like that hardcore bad bitch, but what I really want is to also be responsible and loving. Okay.

It goes on and on, by the way. This clip is long and she's blubbering and crying on and on about how they had to stop performing. I mean, it's reasonable. I know, but it's like, but first of all, do you see many tears? No. Yeah. I feel like it's crocodile tears.

I don't know what I would do if anything happened to anybody in the audience or to any... And somebody was like, Gaga, are you okay? I know. Like a what? You okay? A member of my crew, my band, my dancers. Right.

So I'm sorry that we didn't get to, you know, do the epic performance of Rain on Me and the Rain, but what's more worth it to me is life. Oh my God. Yeah. Have you felt this way when you had to cancel shows? Fuck no. It's the best feeling in the world. I know.

I know. It's incredible. It's incredible in a natural disaster. I was on a tour, we've done some amphitheaters and right before we got to, I think Cedar Rapids, they were like, there's weather, and we might have to cancel it. And I was like, fucking, hooray. I cannot wait until you tell me we have to cancel the show. You mean we get tonight off?

I know. It'd be amazing. I know. I mean, this is a little too far for not performing for one night. Like what? Please. What's going on? Is there more?

There's plenty more. I'm cutting it off. Please. No, just it's. It took so much. It is my heart to get back to a place where I can perform with me healthy. And I hope you know that. They're still not coming.

No, they're not coming. There's no tears. Sasaguchi was terrible, by the way. Terrible. It was terrible. It's one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Oh, this is a, how do you say, good pasta? I decided not to finish the show was because I am healthy and it's a healthy decision for

all of you and for myself as well. So I love you and yes, I'd rather it would be dry, but we're all alive. Oh, we see a tear. It would be safe. There's one tear, one tear. That's your tear. She mustered a single tear. It took you about six minutes to cook that one up.

I know. And like. Chromatica will never be over because Chromatica is about healing. That's this, that's this tour. And Chromatica is about knowing that you're enough and I feel like enough tonight even though I didn't get to finish. I really feel like enough. So thank you for giving me that.

Okay. I love you. Bye. This is what I hate about actors, too, is like, you know, you hang out, I've hung out with actors and like this kind of shit. The people around them go like, oh, they really like encourage it. And you just want to go, are you fucking for real right now? Like is this a real thing?

And then to maintain a friendship with somebody like this is exhausting, you know, every actor that I befriended, I couldn't wait for the day that we were not friends anymore. You know? Yeah, they're the worst. I'm talking about these full time fucking lunatics, you know? I know. But basically, if you become a pop star, you're basically an actor. Yeah.

You know, that's what it is. It's not about your music, it's about the show you put on. She in particular is a little thick with the rhetoric and the, yeah, it's a lot. The worst people I've met are actors. I agree. With the exception, like I think Rob Eiler is really down to earth. He doesn't even want to act. I know he doesn't want to.

That's why Rob is the coolest. But I was reading the comments on this nonsense because I was like, people have to see how absurd this is. Wrong. Everybody's like, God, God, we love you. And that's what they do in person. What? Here's the thing.

When you're talking, I'm talking, this is a superstar. There's these no name bitches that do this kind of shit too about like, earlier today I was walking my dog and it's shit. And this lady was like, aren't you going to pick that up and I didn't see it. And I felt so. And then they fucking cry. And then like all the friends are like, it's okay. It's okay.

And you're in these. I mean, I remember getting in LA and being in these social circles for the first time with actors and being like, holy shit. I think it's part of why I gravitated so hard to comedy was because I wanted to do the comedic acting. Yeah. When you're in these circles, you're in socially, you're like, oh my God, this is what it's like.

And then you hang out with comedians and you're like, oh, this is kind of. So much better. So much better. We can make fun of that girl. It's great. Yeah. I agree. Because I did an acting class or two as well and they're such bullshit, they're hanging

out with. You're like, no one's telling the truth here. Pretentious. Take themselves seriously. Yeah. And they're phonies. Yeah. You know, like every interact, it feels, you can hang out with some of these people

for a while and you go like, I don't know this person. You know them. At all. You don't know. Whereas the comedian, you're fucking 30 minutes in and you're like, I feel like I know this person. But if they're the type of comedian that's, now there's this occasional psychos that we've met along the way and something's off with that guy.

Yeah, they usually act too. And then lo and behold, they're just really great actors or they are psychos. So it definitely. But your comics, comics. Yeah. Because people, they're usually like, they're just clear who they are. For sure. Who you see is who you get.

And the actors, you're like, no, this person, three years, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with you. You know what I mean? Not a damn thing. They're weird people. And everything is super positive. I'm just great. That's how they greet you.

They always greet you like, and they tell you how happy they are for you for something you're like, get the fuck out of here with your lies. Nobody's, you know what I love about stand-ups? The best thing is what Matt Bronger said last week about Bill Burr. Like you can sell out. What was it? The Fenway Park. And he's still like, yeah, they had a bunch of fucking drunks.

Like you're never happy with yourself as it can be and you're never pleased with yourself. Never pleased with the set and never pleased with anything. Sell them. You've got to be a real fuckhead. Well, that's how you keep going. Yeah. You've got to keep going that way. Yeah, you can't, but actors like this, I don't know.

People don't tell her that she's a cunt ever. You know what I mean? Nobody. Of course. She hasn't heard it in 15 years. Yeah. Yeah, no, dude. It's very, and also as a comedian, I do think it's humbling because you get, the audience,

you know, you can fail. You can still get cold off and this chick just gets adoration and it's, oh, little monster. It wears you out. Oh, God. God. I just, I just, and that's what this tour is about, right? Your songs help me so much. I was at my lowest point.

Bup, bup, bup, bup, poker face. I was listening to... Yeah, what songs exactly? I listened to Chromatica. Yeah. What? Your pop star. Get out of here with this bullshit.

And I know she's, listen, I know it's just super popular and whatever, but... Good. It's not, the music is not for me, whatever, but yeah, this is over the top. This is like... Yeah. This is... Hey, you did get that one tear. Maybe if you had cooked it up in House of Gooch, you'd be worth a shit.

I know. Hey, Luigi. Da, da, da, da. Hey, bup, bup. You did? That was the fucking worst. You know, I started to watch some documentary about her and apparently she has real health issues.

Yeah. I could not be less interested in a human being. Same. Yeah. I wasn't either. You know why? She's like an art student turned musician and da, da, da. And then like, she's sharing everything like really dramatically and I'm like, I don't

know. This is... This feels too much for me. I have the same feeling about most actors. If you tell me like, you know this actor, I go, I could not be less interested. I know. I'm the same way. Yeah.

I don't give a fuck either. Don't give a fuck that you're good at playing pretend. Okay? Pretend. I don't want this twat. You read other people's lines. I know. Give a shit.

You know who I like the most actually as an actor is Harrison Ford. Fucking awesome. Because he's always been like, I don't, I just, I just say the fucking line. Yeah. I don't care. Because I went to the school of pretend I'm fucking playing a part. Yeah. He flies planes.

He's a normal. Shit. Yeah. He's like, I know I'm an actor. Right. But he's not from that school of that. He's from like, he's an old school real guy. He was a carpenter until he was fucking 42.

Yeah. I like that. That's why he's like, you, you see it. He's just like, yeah, he's, he's just like a regular guy because he actually lived a regular guy life for a while. Yeah. I think that's why. And then he went on the, we talked about this.

He went on the craziest fucking run, the craziest run you could possibly go on where he was going back to back years between the Star Wars franchise and Indiana Jones. So it was like Star Wars comes out, Raiders of the Lost Ark. Firestrikes back, Temple of Doom, like it's going back and forth between those like year after year. It's an, it's an insane run. Yeah. And he went from like, I'm here to hammer this into the wall to the biggest star.

That run is probably seven to 10 years of just, then a few years it didn't. And then the fugitive comes out. Yeah. So good. Yeah. God, Blade Runner. He's so fucking good. Blade Runner's in that run.

It's insane. Yeah. He's crashed his plane like three times. He's fucking nuts. So is that right? Yes. Yes. He lives.

He's landed one on a golf course in L.A. Yeah. He seems like a cool motherfucker. He's like, I'm fine. Yeah. I like that guy. He's not like, you know, I was going to do this movie thinking about you guys and then I quishy-quashed into the golf course.

Then I studied at Julliard and then studying that. He's like, you do what's on the fucking page. Yeah. I remember watching a video about like the Stella Adler School of Acting and what does that mean? And they take it so seriously and try it again and this time and I was like, God, this is my nightmare. This would be my worst nightmare to be in this room and have to pretend.

I don't know. I'm so bad at it. That's probably why. No, you're not. I feel. Thank you for saying that, but I honestly don't enjoy the process of that. That's fair to say. I think that would be my nightmare.

This is becoming that as my nightmare. I just want to perform my dances and I couldn't. Remember, thank you for watching and for listening, but also please remember that chromatica is forever. You guys. Yeah. What is she even talking about? Oh, it's also by my lipstick.

It's sold out already. We've already ordered it. It's from Italy. Christina P's perfect shade of red. Get it on ymhstudios.com. I made it in Italy. It's hand. It's like everything picked out by moi because I'm a red lipstick connoisseur.

The formula is fantastic and won't dry your lips and it lasts forever. Trot out. Get it for your lady. Trot out. It will never be over. Chromatica will never be over. Today I also learned that I'm just good looking enough. It's been a great show.

Thanks for listening. We'll see you guys next time. Let the conversation begin. Here it comes. Yes! Holy cow! Holy cow's right. Just glassing.

Just glassing. Let's glass. Let's glass. Holy cow! That is awesome. Just glassing. Just glassing. Let's glass.

Let's glass. Let's glass. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh yeah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh yeah! Happy birthday to you sweetest. Happy birthday to you. That is pretty cool man. Happy birthday to you sweetest.

Happy birthday to you. T-T-T-T-T. Wow, look at that. Just glassing. Just glassing. Oh my god! Let's glass. Let's glass.

Oh my god, look at it. Just glassing. Just glassing. Listen to that horn. Let's glass. Let's glass. I like that. I really like that.

Happy birthday to you sweetest. Happy birthday to you glassing. Just glassing. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh yeah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh yeah!