Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 680 - Kevin Nealon & Daniel Ricciardo - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 2, 2022

Pull your jeans up, it's another episode of Your Mom's House! This week, Tom Segura and Christina P sit down with Formula One driver Daniel Ricciardo to discuss how drivers stay in shape, racing around the world, circuit preferences, what it feels like to drive F1, and what to do if you have to brown while you're racing.   Kevin Nealon joins the Main Mommies to discuss his new book of caricatures "I Exaggerate: My Brushes with Fame," how Kevin would draw Tom, his memories with Garry Shandling, Tom Petty, and Robin Williams, plastic surgery, and much more! Todd and Christine show Kevin the video of the homeless Aussie encounter on the bus, our cool guy looking for love on TikTok, and a girl with hairy armpits looking for someone to "explore the wilderness." https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

I have stuff, I don't know if you do this in your act, I have stuff that I'm really embarrassed about, but I like doing it. Like I have one thing I do. Who's the best? That I'm so ashamed of. That's what I do, anyway. Oh, you wanna hear something really weird?

That's what I do, that's the best. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. And welcome to another episode of your mom's house. We're here with a very special guest, just a quick pop and you know him as professional go-kart driver, Daniel Ricardo. Daniel's here, everybody. Whoa, what the?

It's formula one week here in Austin, Texas. Daniel, thanks for stopping by. Thanks, I'm really just gonna laugh the whole time. It's all good, man, you know. I know what the real F1 fans wanna ask you and that shit is boring. So let's talk about that F1 puss, man. It's gotta be incredible, top notch shit.

Oh my God, it's like Euro puss too. It's so elite too, it's like rich pussy. It's not like that Bogan pussy from back home. It's like that top tier stuff. What's the best, Russian hoes? Eastern European, obvi. Oh yeah, hoes. Oh yeah, Budapest.

Budapest. So are you born there? I'm deflecting it. My parents, my parents. But so when you're, yeah, okay, but where do the chicks go craziest? When you're not married, you can talk about this. Wait, I think my phone's ringing.

I'm just gonna take this call. He's got sponsors. No, it's, look, it's... Here's a wild thing to get into. It's gotta be great. He's got great teeth. He's got the best teeth on that show. He's handsome, got a great...

Danny's fucking skill. This guy's one of the best drivers in the fucking world. I know, you've been driving since you were two. Nearly. Yeah, I know. Nearly. Nearly, this is what I learned about you watching the TV show.

Oh hey, did you see me take that corner at 190 miles an hour today? Yeah. Get on your knees. That's what you're talking about. Stupid bitch, am I right? Oh my God. I'm really gonna tell you, he's hilarious.

I'm doing like a free show. No, but you know what? It is like, I think the Netflix show, Drive to Survive. I don't know how what your guy's actual personal opinion is on it. To me, it has broadened, right? Your audience, where F1 is traditionally very popular in Europe, I think in the Middle East.

And then it's considered an elite level. Like if you're into F1, like everyone knows that fan base has, you know, it's all like private jets and like Rolex, like it's all like this elite sport. And I feel like it's broadened your sport into like more like blue collar people are like, this is a fuck of wild. I didn't know about, cause they really did a good job

of dramatizing everything and you know, I know it's creating story, you know, how you produce a show, but it created storylines that people are like falling in love with these drivers and the teams and like, I don't know, has it changed? Do you feel like it's changed the fan base? Massively, massively.

Are we off the topic of? Yeah, F1 push. We'll get back there though, don't worry. We'll come back to it. They just flushed their titties at you when you drive by, right? Yeah. So it's, all right, it really has changed like drastically

since the series, because as you say, like it was a very like niche group of followers that was like, you kind of, F1 is some people's life. Like it's all they, it's the only sport they love and they're into, but then there's kind of your, basically the rest of the world who follow every other sport but F1 and it was just, it was very, wasn't very accessible for many years

and especially because even like the simple fact we wear helmets, like you don't really, you couldn't really put a face to a name. Right. So like the show also just like lets people in, personalities, stories, like everyone can kind of buy into that and yeah, it makes it seem normal to some degree. Yeah.

I mean, and it makes you appreciate the skill level. I think, you know, the, one of the things, the aspects that I love about the show is like, if you're a football, like an American football fan, you really start to appreciate the separation of a, let's say a really good college player and then he gets in the NFL and maybe doesn't make the team and you're like, what, how is that even possible?

Like he just misses it by this margin and you guys would, or the show would highlight, you know, like a Formula Two driver, right? Like the, the tier below coming up and just like not pressing and not, not making the cut. And you're like, this guy is just like this far from being like super elite. That's a fast thing to watch.

That somebody's like really good at this, but missing the margin. So you're starting to like, you feel like you're learning more about, you know what I mean? It's crazy. You're watching that shit. It's, I mean, where it's like the crazy thing is

like a 10th of a second is, is the margin. Like it's, you know, if you, if you say a second is the gap, a second is the difference between me and you. Like it's a seconds and eternity. Sorry, no disrespect. No, no, no. Like, so in terms of like the fine margins that the sport like works with is insane.

And for me, still the craziest thing about the sport is there's 20 of us. That's it. 20 drivers in the world. That's it. At least, you know, obviously in formula one. So, you know, it's a, you think of all like the top tier sports NBA, as you say, NFL,

like I don't know the roster, but I know it's a lot more than 20 people. So you, it's just, there's a lot of, there's a lot of people trying to make it. It's, yeah, I mean that was, and the other thing that, you know, you, you start to develop an appreciation for is just like how that whole team has to really work. Like, I think, I want to say season one,

I think it was you where you were pulling out of the pit and like, I think it was you maybe. And like the, you know, the tires didn't come on. Like they, they went to like, cause it's so fast. Tires off on and they didn't go in. You're like, how the fuck can that happen at this level? But it does. And then it changes like that whole race.

And maybe it has a whole effect on your season. That shit is super dramatic too. That's, it's the, like with the sport, there's so many variables. And again, like you could put everything into it and do everything you can. And it could all be going well. And then something like that could happen

or a mechanical failure. Or there's so many things out of your control that can happen as well. So like I constantly battle with like a love hate with the sport because when it goes well, it's like the highest of highs, but it can also rip your heart out pretty often. So.

Yeah. What can you do? You can't control much. Just like stand up comedy, right? Yeah. Some lunatic pops off on your show. But also, I'm always surprised by your athleticism. Like you guys have to.

Cause I didn't know. Does he say good looks or athleticism? Oh, sorry. I said good looks earlier. But I mean, it's so wild that you have to be in really good physical shape. You guys are all pretty lean like. And I did not know this.

Cause you just assume this guy is driving like a truck driver. Maybe they can weigh 500 pounds. And like you really can't like Tommy and I went to a garage and he showed, you showed me that old Formula One car. Yeah. And there's one of his old Ferraris here.

And it's tiny. Yeah. Yeah. So like you cannot be fat. And you guys are like, it seems like you're laying down in that shit. Yeah. The position is so weird.

And also, yeah, if you like see inside the cockpit, it is so small. And especially then where your feet go, it's very compact. So, yeah, we need to be like small, I guess, or light just to fit simply. And are they basically undriveable? So like your regular, like a person who's never,

like can't really drive it. I think you'd be like, you'd be able to pull away. Like you'd be able to get going. But the problem is it's, it's one of those things where the faster you drive in a way that easier it is, because the temperatures are up, the tires work better. So it's like, you,

because you kind of drive too slow that it would, you would keep spinning in a way because everything would be so cold that you would just have no grip. You'd have like no downforce, like no like suction to the track. So it's like the faster in a way that easier, but to get to that level,

yeah, you're not going to jump in and do it. So let me ask you this, you'd suck. Incom, I would suck, yes. By the way, I just, I did, I have a racing vlog to show you. You've sent me a few little videos before. Wait till you see my latest one though. You're going to be,

you're going to call some people for me. You're going to be like, we need to get this guy in. What's your current weight? Are you finding weight? I'm down to 206 right now. All right. I'm trying to do the math. I work in Kilo.

I reckon you got to get to like 170 to start being respectable. That's fine. All right. Who's the heaviest guy in F1 right now? I don't know. Like put it this way, if we're kind of more than 70,

I'll say like 73 kilos. It's a disadvantage. Maybe that's like 160 pounds. Yeah, cause that's 2.2. So it's 73 times 2.2. So if you're above that, you're costing yourself lap time. Oh my gosh.

Holy shit. And do they weigh you like flight attendants in the 80s before you get in your car every day? We'll get weighed, I want to say four times a day. Stop. So I only need to lose 45 pounds and I can do this. It's chill.

And just get time travel and start at the age of two and then get ready. No, you haven't seen me drive. I'm super scared. Don't you need a divorce with all the, let me ask you this. So in comedy, the groupies are called chuckle fuckers. Do you guys call them motor mouths in your world?

I, we do now. You do? We do now. I don't know if there's a term. Oil guzzlers? Yeah, that's good. Oil changers? Guzzlers is better.

Yeah, you call them drain pipes. Yeah, what do you call them? Yeah. Drain pans? Yeah. Well, it depends. If they're nice, we call them like sweet fans. Yeah.

If they're not, we call them like psychopaths, I guess. I don't know. But no, they're all pretty nice. Have you ever feared for your life on the track? Like was there a day where you're like, this is it, I'm fucking dying? So no, but it was pretty scary recently. So actually in Suzuka, Japan, it was like torrential rain.

And I don't know, the cars this year have so much more spray. Like when you drive through the rain, the spray that comes off is just visibility so bad. So I remember the start of the race, like we could not see anything unless you're first with no spray. Like it was, it was like the worst conditions I've ever driven in and you kind of just,

yeah, I was definitely holding on just hoping that I was gonna just make it through. I have, yeah. I have a real race question to ask you though. I'm for real, this is not, I'm serious. One of the things that the show highlighted to me was the fact that it feels like, and this might be like such an entry level amateur question,

but it feels like a good amount of the teams are just participating for the sake of participating because they don't have, you learn like the money behind the, the big teams are like Ferrari, Mercedes, like where you guys have like, where there's these hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollar teams.

And then the other teams, they're like, you see a driver who'll go like, well, I can't really compete with these guys. We don't have to name them all, but with these guys, so it'd be great to switch to like, essentially a wealthier team. Are those cars not at the level? Like how much of this is the car?

When you have elite drivers where you go like, you know, is that car just really not competitive with the other guys' cars? That's the big, I mean, it kind of goes back to like a little bit of the, when I said like the love, hate part of the sport, it's some, some form of like the hate part is that you, it's not an even playing field in terms of like,

the cars are different. They are, right? Yeah, and it's, you know, like a world champion is going to be in, it might not always be the best car, but it's going to be in the top, say two cars on the grid. You're just not going to be a world champion with, let's say at this current stage, like a smaller team,

you know, because it's, they don't have the resources, the infrastructure, the development, because during the year as well, so every year they build a car from scratch. Every team starts fresh. What? And then through the year, they will keep like developing that car.

So you might, it might be that you actually start off like on the front foot and you're there, but then six months later, you're now towards the back because everyone's developed at a quicker rate or a more efficient rate. So it's wild. It's kind of fascinating to watch you guys,

like also you see this on the show especially because you're, you're seeing behind the scenes kind of conversations, get into a new car and go like, yeah, this is fucking, this is an adjustment, right? Cause you assume, I think as a spectator, you're like, they're just getting in another formula one car. And it's paying a different.

Yeah, yeah. And you guys are like, this one's fucking, I'm just like learning this car. But you, but also you appreciate your guy's level of skill because you hear, hearing you talking to your pit and being like, you know, you guys feel and sense everything. So like in such detail, because you're so experienced and so elite,

you go like, wow, this car really is an adjustment for this driver. It's, and every team like have, I mean, cause each team say, I'm just like on average, maybe each team has a thousand people. So that's a thousand people for two cars. Yeah. So you can also see with all that,

let's say all those brains, you can very easily develop a very different car to, you know, the next team and so on. So they do have a different feel, but it also, as I say, like the hate part in a way is like not having equal machinery, but it's also, that's part of like the challenge of F1 is trying to impress, you know,

to put yourself in a top seat or a top team. So it's like the fight to get like a good seat is part of the fun as well. Have you announced your plans for next year? I mean, I'm not going to race next year. Like I'm not going to race F1. So my eyes are certainly still set on F1, but it's, so with everything that's gone on,

I'm like, I'd need the time off and I need, I think the way kind of the contracts and everything shapes up, I think 2024 is potentially smarter as well for me to like set my eyes on that and then get the time off to just reset and rebuild. When you reset and like, obviously you take breaks and stuff, but how do you stay like, you know,

like obviously like a basketball player can keep shooting. Do you just hit tracks and... Yeah, it's tough because you, so with F1, there's a limited amount of testing because again, going back to like the bigger budget teams, if there was no limit, they could be testing every day and increase their advantage to the smaller teams. So F1 basically apply like a rule

where you can only have X amount of days a year. So if I wanted to drive 100 days next year, it's not possible unless it's in a different car or a different formula or something like that. So yeah, it's, I mean, there's simulators, the stuff like that, but you can stay sharp even like, I mean, you said, you joked about me being a go-kart driver, but it's like actually go-karting

is a way to stay quite sharp as well. So there's things you can do, but nothing's like driving F1. I could just, even for your body, like the G forces or the stress you go through, like it's even over Christmas. So we, the season only finishes like November, December, and then we don't drive again till like February.

So even two months, not driving F1, not putting your body through that, like the first day driving again is hell. It's like, you're so stiff. It's greenery. What do you feel? What does that feel like? It's, so you feel a lot of it on your neck and like your back.

So it's just, so we go through like five, say around five Gs. So that's five times your body weight. That's like the force that goes through us through corners. So that it kind of just, it's like a shock to the body. Like you just obviously muscular wise, you're like super sore and tight, but you kind of, yeah,

you just feel like you've been in some form of brawl, I guess. And that's probably why you have to be in good shape, right? You have to have the, your core probably very strong. Now how do you handle, cause Tom and I travel for work and it's brutal just to stand and tell jokes. No, we're not doing that. And we're not tricking, I promise.

It's brutal just to travel, sleep in a hotel, eat that food and then just stand up and tell jokes. So you're traveling and then having to perform at like peak physical level, how do you mitigate the damage of travel? Pussy, you got to get a lot of pussy on your head. That's what we were talking about earlier. It's so much better for you.

Sleep, sleep. And sleep, but first. Oh, it goes hand in hand. If you had to pick another driver to double team a chick with, would you go with like, Schumacher. You know, Lewis Hamilton versus Toppin, like who would you be like this guy?

Not the Germans, they're no fun. The Italians, huh? Well, you don't want to be like outshone, do you? So, you got to pick wisely. Probably a kid, one of the kids, Leclerc. Let's go with less experience. Yeah, there you go, yeah, yeah. One of the rookies, come here, Rook.

Come here, Rook. Let me show you how to do this. You go up front. I'll stay back here. Good. This is great. I'm literally getting a free comedy show. I love this.

This is so good. Do you fly in like days earlier? Like, let's say you're doing Asia. That's what he's here for now. There's no way you can fly in day before and do Tokyo or whatever. So how many days? So we, well, it's tough because sometimes we have like back to back weekends.

So Russia got canceled this year because of everything going on, but we were meant to go. Russia, Singapore, Japan, all in three weeks. And then all those time zones are different because in Singapore, we operate on European time because it's a night race. But then we go to Japan, which is then day. So that's, I think, seven hours time.

So it's, so we're literally like we would have done, I don't know, the time zones, but in three weeks. So like sometimes you just have to suck it up. And I think the, I don't ever think we're actually operating on like optimum performance. Of course not. Do you guys have preferences for the races that take place on a circuit versus city streets?

Like is that generally, is it unanimous amongst drivers? Like we prefer this over that? From a driving experience, street circuits are phenomenal because they're a bit tighter. There's walls, there's less runoff or grass or gravel. It's like, it's more intense. Those are the ones I think as a spectator that you go, it is so crazy that they're not all crashing.

And even I'm like, dude, haven't crashed yet. So it's pretty wild. So that's from an experience is you just, the rush is like no other on a street circuit. But then for racing, like for going side by side and being able to overtake normal circuits, cause they're a bit wider, a bit more open. So they normally provide a bit more opportunity

to overtake and have a better race. Do you guys have a, go for it. You also have beautiful teeth. Thank you. They're very white. Thank you. It's the secret of my lipstick. It's because I, the color, I sell this Christina P perfect red. Hell yeah.

It's your teeth are white. Thank you. Well, Shontae. Thank you. Now. I'll get you some lipstick. Yeah, you need it. That's good. Okay. Show me your teeth Tom. Well, your teeth are good as well.

But they're not like white. I mean, they're not 10s, but they're good. Do you whiten your teeth? You must. I've done it a couple of times, but it stings so bad. It does, I know. Like the, like, what do you say? Like teeth freeze or what do you call it?

Anyway, it just makes me shiver. So I haven't done it for probably four years. This young guy, what do you call him? 33. 33. Oh God, that's practical. Dude, it's F1. He's fucking 75.

Yeah. That's crazy. I got my frame, my walking frame out there. Frame out. Yeah. Okay. I have a very important question. Go for it. Okay. Now, this is just a professional.

What do you do? What were you saying before, Tom? Okay. Okay. Okay. You're in a foreign country. You're, you've eaten many tacos the night before the race. Mm. You're in your car.

Gee, what country would that be? Whatever. I'm just using an example I've done. Because I've, one time in Atlanta airport, I made the mistake of eating two tacos and then getting on a flight to Africa. Bad idea. Mm.

Bad idea. What do you do when you gotta go number two and you're driving Formula One? It's happened. Clench and pray. Yeah. Yeah. What if it's diarrhea?

If it's number one, do you guys just go in your suit? Yeah. Do you go in the suit? So, all right. Let's answer the two question. Sure. Sure. Sure. I fortunately haven't ever had, call it a tummy bug. Yeah.

That's wanted to do anything like that. I'm also very cautious that, that would be the worst thing to ever happen. So I'm like, especially the night before the race, with the whole race weekend, I'm eating fairly safe. Like I'm not experimenting too much. But you're traveling too. Yeah. So it's hard.

And you also want to like soak in. Carblow like before, like you get, Oh, I mean, I wouldn't say crazy. Like we're not like a, imagine like a triathlete or something. Like we're, I would say it's a balanced, it's a balanced meal. Second.

Hold on. He's still answering the question. No, I'm sorry, I'm so excited. Okay, there's more things. Go, go, you're good. No, no, no. So you eat, you eat well. I love your writing notes. Yeah. I just don't want to forget.

So you eat sorry. Are you right? I'm sorry. I just got excited. Go ahead. No, no, you're good. I'd hate to know how that would, I mean, I think if you were really going to go, number two, like you'd have to pull in.

You have to. Like you couldn't. Yeah. Cause also the G, like the forces on your body, it would be so uncut. I don't think you'd be able to continue. Can you pee while driving that fast? So,

Hold on, have you put that? I've heard you can. Have you never done it? No. Because I also like, you need to relax a little, right? I just don't know if I could relax driving that fast. Yeah, that's true.

You're going that fast. Yeah. And the belts are super tight because we like, you also want to keep yourself in. Are you guys, do you stay conscious of the last time you took in fluid when you, when you race? Yeah.

So like it'll be like the last thing we do really, like pretty much before jumping in the car, we'll go and have a pee and then know that that should hopefully get us through the next hour and a half. Yeah. Cause whether we sweat, we dehydrate. So then the urge kind of goes as well. So part two of my question,

the morning of the race or the day of, what's your routine? So this is hectic. So that's why I wanted you to come. Or you'll have to come to a race because it's, if you see the schedule, it is so gnarly. Like it's, even my friends that know I've been doing it my whole life,

when they come to a race, they're just like, dude, I haven't seen you all day. Like your schedule is nuts. So we'll have, so say the race is at 2pm, we'll get to the track probably like 830. We'll have like an engineering meeting. So that's like talking about the race and set up

and stuff like that. Then we'll have a strategy meeting to go through potential strategy, what tires or this, then we'll do probably like some sponsor meet and greets. Oh my God. All this before the week, you must be exhausted. Yeah, it's nuts.

That's the worst. So there'll be like all this stuff going on. So our whole, up until probably 45 minutes before the race, I'll get some alone time. But until then it's a- And then do you want to be alone for that? Yeah, cause that's when I'll go through like

a bit of a stretching routine and start warming up and then kind of- Playlist? Music. Yeah, music. So I'll start at kind of like slow and steady just to not like get too jeet up too early. But then by the time I'm on the grid,

like getting ready to go in the car, it's like I'm fucking everyone up. Yeah. It's pretty gnarly. And when do you take your shit in the morning? Now do you guys have- Do you guys have- Do you have-

Whenever I gotta go. Yeah. But I would think he'd clean out his body before the weigh in, before the, you know, that's why I'm asking about the routine. Like I take a shit before performance. You don't want to shit at the club. I mean, but if you gotta go, you gotta go, right?

Yeah. Okay. Well, it's important. The audience wants to know. You don't want to be dancing when you've got- Do you guys have a name? Is there like a name you give to drivers who bought the team? I'm sorry, through drivers whose dads bought a team?

Oh my God, there's a word. Versus got their way there. Like do you guys call them something? Through the word, I hate that guy. I know you're talking about- That guy? There's multiple guys. They're such pussies.

There's multiple guys. The guys are so ruthless. I love it. Do you? It's like, you're just so funny. Do you have a thing you guys call them? No, I don't. Do you go-

Oh, who do you think? Yeah, I don't. So maybe your friends call, what are your friends? Not even your friends. Those meanies. What are they called? I don't know. You must have a, you guys-

Like Blake. There you go. Trying to shave down this time. I hope Daddy bought a team. Like that. Yeah. Daddy. I don't know.

Daddy, come change my diaper. I mean, I'll say, look, there's, I'm trying to like be respectful as well. There's, it is a, like to get into the sport and not even F1, like just even to go go-karting as a kid. Like, yeah, you know, you need to spend thousands as opposed to hundreds if you're playing football, you know, a pair of boots and that's it pretty much.

So, you certainly need some kind of funding, whether it's from family or sponsors. If the family's done it all, then like, yeah, sometimes people might be like, uh, that kid, whatever. But at the end of the day also, if you're driving, once you get to like F2, F1, like- You have to have the skills. Even if, yeah, like someone's paid your way there,

like you're still putting your body on the line and all that. So like, there's certainly at that level, there's still an element of respect for sure. Cause it's like, not everyone can do it. Like, yeah, maybe their path was easier than others. But they're still pretty gnarly. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing I get to is that if you,

if you are on the grid with like the other F1 drivers, you're not like an okay driver. Like if you made it, right? Like even if your dad bought the team, it's like, you're, you know, you wouldn't be able to hang if you don't have- Yeah, that's true. And they, and again, like if you're,

as I said, like a second in our sport is so much, like if you were just constantly a second off or two seconds off, like whatever, then like it's, yeah, sponsors would pull out. Like, so you need to be at a certain level. Like, as you said, you need to hang otherwise. At some point it's- Dude, you just watch, man.

I'm going to lose 45 pounds to come fuck you guys up. Just watch, just watch. I need, I need like a professional shit talker on the grid just to like help me out a little. Yeah. Tighten me into the fucking- If you don't lose the 45 pounds, I'm still going to employ you.

Okay. Just to, just to help me out. I think you can probably, I think we should just start that now. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be the best. 45 is a lot.

That's a rough go from here. Oh well, yeah. 45. How old are you? I'm 43. I'm only 10 years older than you. Really? Yes, I know I look older than that.

You're beautiful. Thank you. There you go. 79. 79. I'm going to guess your month, March. Close. What month?

Give me the month. April. 4th. No. Fuck, that's right. Wow. Is this your talent? No, it's clearly not.

And I guess yours, I really haven't looked it up. I don't know. September? No. Okay. Are you summer? July. July?

Summer, we got this. Okay, July 17th. 17th, I was going to say 17th. Oh, that's really cute. No. This is the stupidest game I've ever had. It's got a one in it. It's got a one in it.

Oh, it does? Yeah. Is it 11th? No. It's a 10. There you go. Boom. What is it?

First. Dang. Three days before. Month, hit me. Like, I'm going to give this one last crack. My month? Can you guess? Here, I'm going to say, hold on.

I'm going to tell you telepathically. Give me the month and I'll guess the day. Give me the month. Hold on, I'm going to tell you telepathically. Did you get it? Did you just poo? No. Just made a formula.

I just made a formula. What comes to mind? December. December. No. It was right before your month. Right before June. 10th.

It's got a one in it. 19th. One less. No, fuck that. 18. Yeah, no, it's not good enough. I failed. We're so psychic.

It's crazy. Perth. What does, what? Give me an Aussie accent before I go. Just humor me. Good day, mate. Oh, he's the captain of accents. I did a bow again.

I do, can't. Do you have ketchup flavored chips, mate? Yeah, mate, we do. I do like them. They didn't believe me. Oh, chopper. I remember chopper. Chopper.

Chopper read? Chopper dies, just pubes, pop ginger, chopper. Eric Banner. Yeah. He was fucking rad. Yeah. Do you ever get the show full frontal? Like what he kind of,

I think it's what he started on. It was like a- He's a chatty cunt. He's a what? Chatty? Did you say chatty? Yeah, it's a chatty cunt. It's a chatty cunt.

It's so funny with that word. So I love that this is very open for swearing. I'm still trying to be somewhat okay. But so like, I try to tell people that, I'll just say the C word. You can say it for me. And I'll say cunt, that's right. But if you say, if you call someone mate,

so it's like, if you're at a bar and I'm not a fighter, but anyway, I'm just like, these are situations that would arise maybe in Australia. It's like, you're at a bar and you're like about to fight someone. You'd call them mate. You want to go mate? Yeah.

But if you're at a bar and it's your mate, you'll be like, hey, cunt, how are you? Hey, cunt. It's like so- Yes. Do you have to tell your story? This is the fucking best thing I've ever heard. Yes, apropos this discussion.

So I was in London with an ex-boyfriend. And yeah, I know, gross, right? What a drone fest. Any hoodles. Like I'm an anglophile. I lived there for a year and I also visited Buckingham Palace, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, I was telling him how over there, you could call people cunts. Like, hey, you fucking cunt. And you can also call your mate a cunt. Enduring, you know. Enduring. A cunt is not bad. It's the way, I think if you emphasize the T at the end,

that's less endearing. But if you can just make it smooth, it's kind of cuter. Yeah, so I was telling him this, like, hey, you fucking cunts, and there's my cunt. Anyway, so we meet a bunch of strangers at the pub and we're just having a pint. And then we're like LOL-ing, telling jokes. And he's like, yeah.

And then he's like, hey, you fucking cunts. Like he doesn't know them well enough. And he's like, hey, look, it's a bunch of cunts. And I'm like, no, you can't just say that. You left out the biggest detail. What did he say? He called a woman. He's like, hey, you cunt.

And she was like, excuse me. That's tough. And he's like, I thought we were friends. Yeah. That's right. Even if I got female friends, I just can't. That's aggressive as sure. Yeah, it's too much.

Meet my lovely cunt. No, that's right. That's not good. She's a real sweet cunt. Do you and I are going to double team so many chicks? No. When we find a motor mouth in Monza next time, at Monza, excuse me, it's going to be rad.

Babe. I'm getting them ready for the 24 season. Yeah. Do you watch Neighbors? Is Neighbors still on? I heard they cancel that. Stop it. It's just been on forever.

I mean, I've lived in Australia for like 15 years. Oh, I didn't realize. But I know, like, I definitely know the show. And maybe it. Where do you live? Maybe it stopped. That'd be big. There's like Neighbors and home in a way.

They're like, they're the two big ones. Have you seen this by the way? I'm going to show you. This is Australia. You can look at the screen right here. All right. Listen, brother, you don't fuck on the bus, mate. I don't care if you're fucking homeless.

Don't fuck on the bus, cunt. I don't care if you've got autism. It doesn't mean fuck on the bus. Get the fuck off and go fucking the park or something. You fucking chat. Have some fucking respect for yourselves, you fucking chatty cunt. Back home, buddy.

I've been seeing that. You miss home? Next to miss home? I think that was Blake. Was that you? That's hilarious. What's a chat? Yeah, a chat.

Is that a chat? You fucking chat. Yeah, I actually don't know what that is. Chat. You fucking chat. Chat. I got every other word. You fucking chat.

Chat. Sure. I don't know. I don't care if you're fucking homeless. Don't fuck on the bus, cunt. See, that's a hard. That's a hard point. Yeah, see.

Don't fuck on the bus, cunt. Well, look, exclamation mark. I know you got to get going. So just we never played our opening clips. We're going to play our opening clip for you. And then we'll probably the show open. But first, but let us thank you for coming by. Thank you.

Thanks for having me. It was a treat. I just came for a cuddle. I know, bud. You're going to we're going to hug here in a moment. Jesus, beautiful. Thanks. This is beautiful.

I love what you done with the place. Good for you. Thanks, man. Yeah, you guys are beautiful. Thank you so much. You are too. Look at that smile. Jesus Christ.

Will you get married? No. One day. Yeah, 50. Yeah, when you're like fucking. How old were you when you got married? Oh. I'll ask Tom.

It's rude to ask a lady your age. No, I was 32 and he was only 20. 39 or 30. 29 or 30. I know. Yeah. Cougar. I'm an older cunt.

Oh, yeah. Well done. Well done. Good for you. She's all this fucked up. Yeah. I still put it. You like this here.

But what I do believe is that unless you make wealth, you have fewer choices. I have a lot of choices more than most people in this room, almost everybody in this room, because I've created wealth. You are making the mistake. You're trying to make a difference first because that's politically correct. I believe with all my heart, and I just told Brian,

this is an announcement and an exclusive, that political correctness is a manifestation of lack of fucking self-esteem because you're all cunts. Oh, Randy. Don't bring anyone loving you with this. Don't move on the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Segura. And Christina Pina. Christina Pina. Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Drink your water. Yeah. We'll be back in a little bit.

Thank you so much for coming by. I hope you crushed it. Thank you, bro. Thank you. This was real. I know. Welcome back to the program, the one and only Kevin Nealon.

Oh. And happy to announce right now, you can get, I exaggerate my brushes with fame, Kevin's new book that highlights your absolutely extraordinary ability as an artist. Your paintings are seriously men. Thank you. The first time I saw this, I was like,

the Kevin I know doesn't have this ability. I hear that a lot. That's not the Kevin I know. What, dude? Dude, like Tom Petty. Yeah, it's ridiculous. Well, I tell stories about each person I painted, like my interaction with them or most of them,

and if I didn't meet them ever like Freddie Mercury, I will just muse about being in garage bands or going to concerts. Did you paint him pre-AIDS or like that? Which era of him? As a child, actually. Oh, really? I didn't have eighth then. It was just teeth. He had a lot of teeth back then.

He had big teeth. That was so rude. What about Bourdain? He was one of my faves. I think Bourdain is in there. I did not know him, but I found him very interesting the life he had. He too. It seemed like he should be perfectly happy, but he wasn't.

I know. Much like Tom. I know. Much like Tom. Can I tell you, though, is that you guys, I don't know if people know this, how talented you are, but I've always seen it on your Instagram. I've only been standing up for like 40 years. I've been painting as a painter.

I know, I kid. On your Instagram, and I fell in love with a portrait you did of Howard Stern, and then you so graciously one day, it just showed up in the mail. Awesome. I treasure it so much. I have to thank you for it, because I have it in my office in our home, and I look at it every day,

and I find something new in it every single time I look. You're so talented and whimsical, and you really, I think, bring out the best in people. You see the best. I bring out the worst in people, actually. I exaggerate their features. They don't want to. But thank you for that.

I was really flattered when you told me that, because back then, a lot of people hadn't seen my work, and when they started seeing it, and then you were so nice to compliment me. Not so much Tom, but you. Excuse me. Tom doesn't give them out. I was very complimented.

You sting you with cuddling and compliments. Yeah. Because once you give them out, it's never enough. No. They want more. Do you cuddle? Are you a cuddler? I'm a cuddler.

I have a mountain bike that I love, and I'm on that thing all the time I saddle up. But I am a cuddler. You are? Do you know what happened last night to me and my dream? And this hasn't happened in a while. It was a dream where I was fighting somebody for a basketball. They were holding onto it,

and I knew I had to jerk it away from them, but I had to wait long enough with my hands on it when they would relax a little bit. And I jerked it away, and I woke up, and I was holding my pillow. I jerked my pillow out from under my head. What? Is this real?

This is real. You've had this dream before. You said it hasn't happened in a while. No, no. I haven't had a realistic dream like that where it segwayed into real life. But this one, and then I took the pillow, and I just dribbled it to the bathroom and went to bed.

I'm kidding about that part, but the other part is true. I wonder what the dream interpretation would be of that, which I always know. Tom, I don't think there's anything to interpretations. Bullshit. Bullshit. I've done therapy, but I never fell asleep during therapy, so I never had to analyze that dream, you know?

Stealing ball. I think it's good for people, though, if they believe in that, just like religions, whatever gets them through. Whatever gets you through. I think it's fun to also analyze dreams. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, it's fun.

I don't think there's anything to it. I mean, I think that there's people that are good at the dream analysis. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I can't fucking do it. It's the same with psychics. Oh, yeah.

I think they're really entertaining, because if you sit down with somebody and they talk about you for a half hour, that's kind of nice. It is nice. Yeah, but the psychic thing, I mean, that's just somebody basically entertaining you. But dream analysis is like usually if it's a trained person,

they're trained to analyze the subconscious and how our brain is doing something when we dream. So a lot of times the interpretations are pretty fascinating. Yeah, yeah. I suppose. Now, Kevin, if you were to draw my husband, you would start with these big old meanies here, right? Because like, yeah, like those mean, nasty things.

You talking about the eyebrows? Uh-huh. And then how the nose kind of, as he ages, cranks down even further and further and further. And then, of course, the scowl, the down-facing lips. And then don't forget the dark under-eye bags. Let's not do the body, okay? Oh, no.

Let's just take the face. That's what I need. I need somebody to point out the features. Yeah. Although sometimes it's easy. Like, I live in a nightmare now since I started doing this because I'll be walking down the street with pedestrians passing me and I'm looking at everyone, like I'm in a fun house.

Oh, they have bacon. They've already exaggerated them. Yeah. They look so, like, deformed. It's scary. Do you have people that you have painted? Obviously, you know some of these people. Have you had people go like, oh, I love this?

Like, I love what you did? Not one? Yes. Originally, I didn't because I wasn't showing people. I just put them on my Instagram. And I never heard from anybody. But then I did one of Rami Malik. Oh, he's great.

And Jimmy Kimmel loves my sketches, too. So Rami Malik was a guest on his show. And he showed him my caricature of him. And... On Jimmy Kimmel? On Jimmy Kimmel. He held it to the camera. I'm like, oh, no.

Because I don't know what these people are going to think. And he looked at it and he said, Kevin Nealon is no longer my friend. But I really never was to begin with, so... But what a great face Rami has. He's got a great face. Those eyes and the squareness of it all. Is that what you see?

So you're looking at the face. What's the first thing you're going to look at? I see the eyes. I see the jaw. I see the squareness. Like I said, his top of his head. Yeah. And then the eyes are really interesting.

I had Kevin Nealon to your search. Maybe Kevin Nealon since he painted it. He wrote Rami Malek, charcuterie. You look at it up on the... Jimmy Kimmel. Yeah. Charcuterie. Who thinks that's the word for caricature?

Okay. Charcuterie. Charcuterie. I mean... No. Yeah, it was Kimmel. Yeah. You know what?

I guess they didn't really make a big deal about it. No, they did. So it's not up there. I've seen it. I've seen the clip. Oh, you have seen the clip? Yes, I have. God damn it.

Yeah. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Oh. That was quick. Oh. Let's see how this fucking goes.

Oh. No. No, that's a good take. Oh, Daniel Craig in him. Daniel Craig, baby. I like Daniel Craig. Did he done his face? Not yet, no.

His face is already kind of caricature. It is? I've seen caricatures of him. There we go. And he's got a very small chin. Oh, that's fantastic. That's rad. Yes.

You nailed it, though. You nailed it. I like drawing the hands, though, too, holding up a picture. Yeah. That was my favorite part. That was so realistic. There are his hands. Yes.

And he has really big hands. I don't know if you know that. I did not know that. He does. He has huge hands. What is this art form? It's so funny. Like, what is the origin of this, of taking someone's worst features and then...

It comes from a little tribe and the deepness of Australia. Yeah. But I mean, is this like a fair arch? Like, where did... Who's the first guy to be like, you know what? You've got a big nose. Fuck you. Probably Da Vinci.

All these abstract artists from a long time ago. I'll tell you what. I was studying impressionists for a while, and I would go to the museum in France to move and all that. And I read up on Monet, and Monet used to do caricatures. Did he really? Yeah. He would do caricatures.

Back then, it was a lot of political stuff or commentary, but it was interesting to see how he did that. So I've always loved caricature artists. When I was a kid, I went into, I live in Germany for a while. My father worked for a helicopter company, and we were on military bases a lot. And I would go into the commissary, and one day, I go to for a napkin, and somebody had drawn on the napkin a picture of, like a private, like, you know, with a hat on and a big nose and a chin.

I thought, that is so cool. I pretended drawing. I practiced drawing that for a long time. And then from that, my parents had two frame caricatures of themselves over the bureau in my bedroom. So when I laid down at night, I would subconsciously look at that and stare at it and see what the guy did. You know, it was a great caricature artist that did it.

And then I just started doodling all my life. Table reads at SNL. I would sketch the person across from me, whether it was Farley or Dana, whoever. And I, you know, sketch people on airplanes, sleeping with their mouth open usually. I never show it to them. And then about two or three years ago, I saw this guy was given lessons in England on caricatures. It was 50 euros a lesson, which did not cover my flights there every week.

But no, so, you know, I zoned with him and he kind of taught me some of the basics about it. You had a pretty good baseline, though, for it. Yeah, I did. I did. Yeah. But I see these guys on Instagram and they're amazing. And I want to be like that.

But also like stand up. You want to develop your own style. Sure. You want to come up with your own thing. So it's like anything else. The more you do it, the better you get at it. Yeah. And when I was done with this book, I needed a break.

Yeah. Because I was doing a nonstop. When you sit down to first sketch or, you know, a paint, something like this, how long is a typical session? Like, if you're going to do something? It depends. It's gotten less and less. But for my own caricature, it took me like three weeks because I kept doing it and then

throwing it away and doing it because it's hard for me to, you know, to find out. It's just an aggressive lick that you just gave your painter. I really, I felt it. Did you notice? Oh, yeah. So that's me right there. That's three weeks? That was probably, I don't know how long it was.

I would take it with me on the road and in hotel rooms, I would do it. I would sketch it. Oh, that's so funny. And, you know, it just took a long time for each one. You know, it's so great about caricatures and I think why I enjoy them so much because my parents, too, had them, you know, you go to the fair and you go, it's like you're looking for the truth. And then when somebody else points it out, oh, yeah, that, that's your, that's the truth

right there. It's such a great thing. So consciously you're looking at somebody and you know that they have a big nose, but it's just kind of, that's the way they look. And it's not, you don't think it's a big nose because you're used to looking at them. So this kind of captures that. And the other thing is during the pandemic, we weren't going out to do stand-up, we weren't getting laughs.

I never took that much time off in my life. I'm sure no comic had. And I found that by doing these caricatures and posting them on Instagram, it was nonverbal comedy. People would see it and they would laugh and they'd get a kick out of it. And so I thought that was kind of like, you know, my, feeling my void. So cool. Yeah.

And so universal and, and yeah, that's true. Did you meet, did you know Freddie Mercury? Like back to that. We were actually roommates in college. Yeah. We went to a community school. I did not know that. Yeah.

Community school in Amsterdam. Wow. We would get there by Gondola. Yeah. But we had a motor on it. Sure. No, I'm kidding. There was no motor.

Just the Gondola. Yeah. And the Gondola came from Venice, actually. Oh, wow. Do you see what a BS or I am? That's why I'm in stand-up. I would pick up on that. Whatever.

Come on, man. No, but you didn't have any, any interaction? I don't know. Any art with Freddie Mercury? Yeah, I don't know. I just saw him on TV. How about Petty? Because he's in...

Tom Petty, I did. From the show? I did. Or... No. Interesting. I played basketball at Gary Shandling's every Sunday, a real eclectic group, a Silver Moon play.

Just so many different things. David Duchovny would show up, Sarah, Sasha Baron Cohen would come who just started playing basketball. He would start kicking the ball, like a soccer ball, saying, no, no, no, you got to dribble it. But a bunch of people, and because Gary did the Larry Sanders show, he had a lot of friends from there, like Warren Beatty and some really interesting people, right on Neal showed up one day to play.

But Tom Petty arrives, and he's not there to play basketball. He's there just to hang out. Because he had fun with Gary on the show, and I'll never forget this. He's sitting on the bench by the court. It's half court. We play three and three. He's sitting on the bench, and his legs are crossed. I don't know how many times he crossed his leg like a woven rope, you know, like a twisted

rope. Oh, yeah, like a leg behind the leg. It seemed like it would die, because he's so flexible and thin. And then I noticed that he was chain smoking. Chain smoking, not only chain smoking, but he had another one lit as a backup. Oh, cool. So when this one was finished. So in that picture I drew of him, he's holding three cigarettes and he's smoking another

one. Wow. Yeah. That's why he's so skinny. Yeah, he's so lucky. Was Gary a good ball player? None of us were good. No, but it was fun.

That's why we like playing. We like playing a workout. Sometimes a ringer would come in, someone like David DeCovany played in, I think, Duke or somewhere. He played at Duke? Somewhere like that. Okay. No, it was a community school I went to with Freddie Mercury.

He played somewhere, and so did great caneer. So they were very minimalist. They really were efficient basketball players, where we're just running, you know, throw them balls, shoot and grab and go, they would stay outside, dribble, dribble, dribble, pass or maybe just take a shot and always get it in. But the players that weren't that good would usually end up getting hurt. Sure. But it was great.

It was great. We did that for many years, playing basketball. And then people loved Gary, so they would sit down afterwards and kind of, you know, try to get advice from him on their career. Oh, really? Yeah. Like, I even brought a script to Gary. We were good friends, so he wanted to read the script I wrote for a sitcom, and he read

it, and he gave me some notes. And after he died, he died from, I think, an embolism, a lung embolism. But after they died about a week later, they were cleaning out his office, and my script was sitting on his desktop from like two years ago. Oh, wow. Right. So, yeah, so we were good friends, and that's how Tom Petty showed up. He was beloved, Gary Shantling.

He was. Yeah, he was. He really had that mentor role, I guess. Definitely, definitely. I mean, I used to watch him on The Tonight Show, and he was just so smooth, and the way he crafted a joke. And I would go on, do corporate gigs sometimes, and I'd call him, because it was for whatever the company was, and I would say, hey, got any jokes I could do for the CEO?

And he'd be on the phone forever with me. It's almost like we'd go from one topic, he wasn't moving enough from one topic to the next, like on a joke. Yeah. I'd say, okay, that's good. He goes, no, no, no, no, we got more on this one. That's okay. Wow.

How generous. Yeah. That sounds like the key to it is being a generous person and giving your time. Well, it is one of the things, being generous, and you know what, Christine, love is the other thing. Love. You think so? He did tell me once how he...

He was very spiritual, though, no? He was very spiritual. I hear that he was kind of... He loved the Buddhism. He wasn't a Buddhist, but he read a lot about that, and he had that little Buddha belly guy in the corner of his room with incense, the Buddha. That too? The way we saw it, the company played ball at Princeton.

Oh, Princeton. Oh, Princeton. That's right. Yeah. Uh-huh. That's pretty impressive. Yeah, but he was. He was a spiritual bro.

Yeah, and he had an acting coach called, named Roy London, who was very popular in Hollywood for actors, and he said, and he was really good friends with him, and he went to his bedside as he was dying, as he died. And Gary told me this. He said, as he was about to die, he goes, I know the answer. I found the answer. It's all about love. Aw.

And then he died. Is that true? Yeah. Yeah, it's almost like he saw, you know, whatever the drugs are making him say. Yes, yes. When I was on ketamine, I had the same thing. When I broke an ankle. I swear to God.

Yes. Yeah. I've had the same. I thought I was dying. So, yes. I've had it with Tequila. I just love everybody. Tequila's a good one.

It is good, isn't it? Yes. Yeah. It is. But I had a hangover once. I'll never do it again. Seriously? Yeah, I'll never touch it again.

Would you puke? Many times. I drink wine once in a while, a whole glass of wine, but I did my fair share. I was never an alcoholic. I spent a lot of time in rehab, but I was never an alcoholic. I never spent time in rehab, but I did like to drink on the weekends. And the weekends originally started on Friday, moved up to Thursday, and I thought, okay, we better.

I'm, you know, I'm 59, I better slow down. Yeah. No, I was in my 30s, I think, early 40s when I did that. Party. Would you party with the people at shows? Did you do that kind of thing? Yeah, sometimes I would go out. If I was on the road, we got to a bar or something.

Yeah. But I know it was a huge part of your, you know, I was never running around like Robin Williams or never back then. Sure. Who the fuck would be like that? Yeah. Crazy. He was, I drew him in this and he was one of the first comics I saw and I almost made

a beeline back to my car and drove home because he was so good, you know, he'd walk through the crowd and he'd pick things out of people's purses and make fun of them. And he had no mic and he was like a street comic, so he moved. And I remember seeing him at all the clubs, you know, always seeing him and he had that Shakespeare hat on, like in that picture right there. And I think he really knew my name and whenever we saw each other, he would call me boss because he called everybody boss and I called him bubble, bubble. And I was never so amazed at somebody with their talent than him and I thought after

he died, I thought it'd be a statue of him in every town, right? And I never saw him that, you know, he always sounded like he was Scottish the way he talked to bubble. How are you doing? Yeah. Looking good. Yeah. And I remember I was working at Cobbs in San Francisco once when I was in the marina and

he was there and he came back really angry to the club. I said, what's the matter? He goes, I'm like a car won't start. I said, I'll take a look at him. Maybe I can help. I didn't know anything about cars. I just want to go out and see if I can hang out with him. I mean, I didn't know.

I know how to open the doors of the hood. So we get out there and it's a Range Rover and I've never seen him outside of that character he was performing. He was just angry. He was kicking the car and slamming the hood and just swearing up and down. I thought, man, that's okay. I guess this guy's not some, you know, miracle comedian genius, but he wasn't genius, I thought. I think it's like with every comic, I don't know, when you started, did you see a comic

and go, wow, this guy's funny. He went back to see him again. He's doing the same thing. Of course. I mean, it's like you're, it's like finding out there's no Santa Claus. Yeah. And, but Robin, I think was one of those that didn't do that, although I did learn after a while that he did have, he did have a format that he followed and he did a lot of the same

voices each time. Yeah. But it's a little different each time. I mean, that's the thing you find out after you stand up long enough is that like, that's why I always, I always resent the term when people are like, this guy's a genius. I'm always like, no, he's not actually. And I, and only because I feel like I've been around it long enough and I go, there are really proficient, like really incredibly proficient comedians.

I have seen my absolute favorite comics have bad sets, which I think is good for you. It's good to see a comic you love have not a great set, makes him like immortal. You go, okay. I've seen them comics that I, everyone admires and celebrate do like gimmicky things, things that you would kind of go, oh really? Which again, I think is good for you to see. And I also feel like none of them in comedy ever, like nobody in stand up ever makes me go, oh my God, this is, this is a level that none of us.

I actually think it's all attainable amongst the great comedians. I think in the beginning, like what Kevin was saying was when you're young and before you know the ins and outs of the craft, you go, what's that magic? That person does magic. And then you learn to do some of the tricks and you're like, I know that trick. Yeah. I know you. But I'm like, I'll watch a comic and I'll think this guy's really good or this girl's

really good. I like the attitude. I like the point of view for sure. But it's very attainable. It is attainable. But they're very good at what they do. Exactly. You get, I get like more, I'm like this, you know, some comics really make me laugh and

I enjoy and appreciate how funny they are for sure. Some of them are just brilliant at like their observations and their stand up is fantastic. What I'm saying is like when I hear people glorify somebody so much, I'm like, it's not really, especially when you see, I don't know, for me, I guess maybe it's because we do comedy, but I'll see somebody in music and I'll be like, that's another level of genius. But not comedy. Not really. Even as I sit here, you can say that.

Well, you especially, of course, but I don't want to embarrass you. I have stuff, I don't know if you do this in your act. I have stuff that I'm really embarrassed about, but I like doing it. Like I have one thing I do that I'm so ashamed of, but I do it anyway. Oh, you want to hear something really weird? Yeah. That's what I do. That's the best.

That's the best, though. That's so fun. Do you want to hear something really weird? But I feel like that is actually the silliness, like when comedians embrace silliness, it actually makes me smile the most. You need to pepper a little silliness in with your observations in life that are, you know, who I thought was very close to being a genius, only because of how he came up with things was Andy Kaufman.

He was a big influence on me because he was different. He was unique. But of course, he did a lot of those bits over and over again, but to be able to come up with that, to come up with those. I'll tell you what I, when I say like for genius, as far as Robin Williams for me is that once I saw him as an actor, I was like, holy shit, that to me left me with a bigger impression than even as a comedian. I was thinking about that too.

Fuck. I was thinking about too. That's a great dramatic actor. That's what I'm saying. I don't know. That has a bigger impact. For me, personally, I'm like, this is unbelievable. I've noticed that a lot of comedians are good actors, dramatic actors.

Yeah. Ooh, dramatic. Definitely. Yeah. Because there is a real dark and sadness to them and then they can tap into it. You don't think you get funny from having a great life? Well, I had a great life. Did you?

Yeah. And that's the sadness of it. I went with some challenge in life. Yeah. You did everything. Yeah. We are really tall and that's not fair. I am tall.

Tall privilege. I'll tell people that people will see him on stage and they'll think, hey, I didn't know he was that tall. Yeah. And they'll say, well, I didn't know you existed. Yeah. You know, it's so too shiny. How do you like that?

Can I show you this clip because we opened with it and we haven't really gotten a chance to explore it. So I want you to watch it with us. Okay. There's two parts of it. Here's part one. Okay. So what you believe is that unless you make wealth, you have fewer choices.

I have a lot of choices more than most people in this room, almost everybody in this room, because I've created wealth. You are making the mistake. You're trying to make a difference first because that's politically correct. I believe with all my heart, and I just told Brian this is an announcement, an exclusive, that political correctness is a manifestation of lack of fucking self-esteem because you're all cunts. Man, I can't tell you how often I've thought about that.

Yeah. Is that great? We are the same page. Yeah. Well, I liked the being and what he said, you get a lot of choices when you have money and that's the difference between having money or not if you're a happy person. Options. Options.

You have all these options. You don't want to do any of that stuff. Yes. So you give your money away and that's the beauty of it all. But I thought this guy had something to say. Well, there's more. Well, there is. Oh, yeah, there's a little bit more.

Let's hear it. I've been called a lot of things in my life, but I've been a cunt's not one of them because you cunts all want everybody to love you. I don't want anybody to love me. I don't want anybody to even fucking like me. You think Donald Trump gives a shit what you think of him? You think Steve Jobs, when he was alive, gave a shit? You think Mark Zuckerberg gives a shit?

Only you, we cunts give a shit. There you go. How'd you get that tape? Oh, that's great. Dampena. We just. I found this guy. Yeah.

By the way, I think Trump does care what people think of him. I would say I would say yes. To a fault. That is amazing. He's a fragile man. So is this a Ted Talk? No, it's even better. Dampena at his private residence in, I believe, Scotland, giving a business talk to some cunts.

To some weak little cunts. Oh my gosh. My wife was telling me that she was looking at the top 400 or 500 in the Forbes list, or the top richest people in the world, 400 people, and it's mostly men. Yeah. A couple of women, but mostly men, and that kind of made her angry. Why? Because women aren't getting the chance, apparently, to.

I don't know. Can I tell you what I think now? Because. Your wife sounds like a real broad with that analysis. I mean. Yeah. You know. Yeah.

The broads are on that list to have money. The broads. They care. Bullgeyes. They. Yellow teeth. Don't forget the teeth, Kevin. Although the teeth are important.

There are a few broads on that list, and they inherited or divorced somebody, and that's how they got on that file. Okay. Okay. We'll come out. I'll tell you the broads. Christine, I'm so sorry. Well, it's the worst.

Can I tell you, as a broad, we both do the stand up, and then children come into the picture, and this broad, I think it's harder. It's harder for the broads once they drop children to be like, I'm going to go full speed ahead on career. But it does give you more material. It does. No. It's actually made my career go much better, but I'm saying that the time away from

my children, in order to really go full tilt and earn a lot more money to put me on a Forbes list, it's not worth it for me. Right. I have to say. Otherwise, you would be on a Forbes list. I think maybe. I don't know. Tell me.

I don't have the motivation to either, because I like being with my kids. Who cares? It's not about money. This guy's letting him do it. Yeah. Tom, let's talk about you. Did you know you had kids? Yeah.

Because I know you're never home. Yeah. And how do you like being a dad? It's great. You don't have the kids now? That's great. Anything we talk about? You bring up the screen.

No, we don't show our kids. No, you don't. You don't? Never. No way. That's a weird choice, I think. What's that? When like comedians with like, you know, public profiles.

Oh, yeah. Here's my kids. Yeah. Okay. All right. Weirdo. That's true. That's true.

Let every creeper on the internet just look at your kids. I put my kid on all the time, but I pixelate him out in the face. Just to tease those guys. Sure. Sure. You want him? Yeah. I pixelate.

I can't see. I put one pixelation over eye, another pixelation on the other eye, and I use a couple of pixelations to do the teeth. Yeah. And they don't know who he is. Yeah, he is. How old is your kid now? What did we just say, Tom?

Maybe in, like, 14, 15. Yeah, 15. It's a sophomore. Dang. That's wild. Yeah. Let me show you a picture. I've seen a picture.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah. You showed me. Yeah. Handsome kid. He's had a lot of work done, but I like him. That's the age to have the work done, honestly. Get it done now before people go, what happened with the lips?

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. You know what my facialist just told me? She said that you have one good facelift in you. So you have to lift one good facelift in everyone. So you have to choose your timing wisely. You don't want to get it too early.

You don't want to do it in your 40s because then you can't do it again and again. Just choose one good facelift. I think the era would probably be, what, late 50s? 55, 55, 60? Well, I will tell you, I saw Kenny Rogers' facelift. He looks great. And he looks amazing. He's an angel.

I mean, but he did die, but I thought, did he get it soon enough? Did he have enough years where he couldn't? Oh, fuck. No, I mean, get. He fucked himself up so good. But you've got to let it settle in, and I think once you get it done, you can't come out for like a couple of years. Yeah.

Let it settle in and find its way. It looks like he did the teeth on the same trip. Holy shit. Who's a goddamn Bill? You've got the Steve Harvey's. God bless him, though. God bless him. He.

Wait, what did he do, though? But he didn't. He did too much. I think. Yeah, too much. And then what, cheek implants? It looks like teeth. It's a fake beard.

Can I tell you something, too? Wow. I mean, I don't know, dude or woman. It's too old to do it. He did it too. Too late. He waited too long. I think he had maybe five years in that.

Five-year run with that face. Yeah. A five-year run of spooking people to fuck out. I got to tell you that. I mean, because you never look younger when you do this kind of shit. You just look weirder. That's too aggressive. Different.

You can look younger if you do it subtly, you know? I agree. You don't want to do that with him and Dolly. Holy shit. It looks like two wax figures. What's going on? You don't want to do too much where your phone doesn't recognize you, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. Burt told me that he. Fuck. He's been on like benders where he's just drank it too much and his phone doesn't open. Oh my God. He won't recognize you? No. That's not you.

Type in your code and he can't remember his code. There's no way. Man, look at that. He's got to call someone for the code and he can't call anybody. Yeah. His eyes are too. He opened him up too much. Yeah.

What a talented guy, huh? Yes. But didn't he have a barbecue place too? Can he ride his barbecue? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it must be hard for you, musician, because they can only make money on the road,

I've been told. Touring? Yeah. Yeah. And you got to look good. You got to look like you're pulled back in the road. It's scary. You have to be a rock star, especially because now as we're watching Madonna age and how

do you navigate that? Like, it's scary. It's got to be scary to be like a share of Madonna. How do you? Anybody with one name. It's hard. It's so hard having one name. Anybody else comes along with that same name?

I know. And you're screwed. You're so screwed. Are you going to do, do you think you're going to do the Kenny Rogers? Well, I have that plan now with my, with my facialist who isn't really qualified to do all the surgery. Yeah. But he has been outlining everything with a Sharpie.

That's the way to do it. That's the way to do it. And he wrote there, so then make a mistake. He says this face. This face. On my head. This side. Right.

So, like, aggressive, like pull back everything. Do it all at once. Yeah. Do it all at once. But like, you should do, you can do the eyes. I'm going to pull the eyes back so I have one on each side of my head. Yeah. I'll have the best peripheral vision in the world.

Yeah. And my nose, I'd like to bring up to my forehead. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's a good idea. And have it shake down. That's a very Elita style to go for. That's what, that's what I'm doing.

The chin's coming off completely. Wow. I'm going to hang this lower lip with collagen. I'm getting the three plus pack of collagen. So that hangs down. It doubles as a chin and a lip. That's so good. And I'm, I'm actually going to take my ears and put them on my shoulders.

So that's my plan now. I don't know if I'm going to stick to it. Yeah. Here's a question for you. You got a minute? Yeah. Let's say an actress goes to a very famous Beverly Hills plastic surgeon and he performs a lot of work on her.

Really amazing work. And then, because he's an artist, right? And then he goes off and dies. Does that person who had the work done become more valuable because he has died as an artist? Wow. That's actually a very good question. And that's true. That happened.

Really? Yeah. That happened. I don't remember the name of the doctor or it, but he was texting and driving and went off the road. Wow. Did you buy her or something? How did her price come into?

Yeah. Well, I didn't know she was her sale until I saw the frame around her and I thought, oh, this one's for sale. But no, I was just thinking about that because, I mean, it should as it happens in the art world when your artist dies. And what a bummer too for him to die because then who's going to do your touch ups? That's true. But luckily she died not soon after that.

Oh, good. Good. Thank God. Yeah. Apparently he botched something in her. Oh, dear. You know, the first time I got Botox, was it filler? I think filler.

You talk about this like you're losing your virginity. The first time I had sex. No, it was filler. The first time I got filler. I was so afraid and I asked the doctor right before she did, I go, what's the side effects? Like I have two little children. She goes, well, okay, one woman in Beverly Hills went blind and she was a mother too. And I was like, she's like, that's not going to happen to you today.

And I was like, yeah, but I kind of can. I kind of can. She wanted her eyes filled then. That's how. But she's like, it's a one in, you know, one thousand thing and I'm like, oh gosh. If you were going to fly in a plane, there's a one in one thousand chance you would crash. Would you go? Yeah.

How about 500? Yeah. How about one out of 10? No. How about you? You love life. You would have to be at least one out of 10,000. For you to fly?

For you to fly. Yeah. What about the cars? It's much greater odds than that though. Is it? Yeah. To die in a plane crash? No, much greater.

Like in other words, the odds are not too foreign. Oh, you're much more likely to survive. If you ever look on. In a plane crash? No, no. I mean, your number wouldn't be called up. Look at that. One in 11 million.

One in 11 million. But you look at it. Shit. Look at it. There's an app that shows you all the planes that are in the air at one time. Look at the car though. The car is one in five thousand, Kevin. That's why I don't drive.

I do not drive. I always have somebody else drive. Yeah. I picked you up today. You did pick me up. Yeah. And you brought my bags in. I did.

What room am I in here tonight? It's over. It's in 26. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's an app that will show you every plane that's in the sky in that particular moment. It's almost like the whole country is red with flights.

Yeah. And I'm surprised they don't crash into each other. I know. I think about that all the time. I'm just amazed at people that you get your postage delivered. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm just surprised that, like, you get mail. How does that work?

Yeah, I know. The scale of that. How does Amazon get you something like two hours later? How? Oh, how does tuna fish stay fresh in the pouch? I've been thinking about this for a week because I wanted to eat tuna fish and then I thought, how disgusting that they can keep fish contained in a pouch. What kind of stuff is in there keeping that alive?

Well, they put it in there when it's alive to begin with. The tuna fish. So it's got a head start. Sure. Yeah. Tom, do you check expiration dates on cans and things, bread? I don't really either. He barfs a lot more than I do.

I mean, you know, sometimes I'll eat something a few months old and, you know, get sick, but you know, that's a fact that the body's defense mechanisms are four. And that tells you not to eat that same thing again. Yeah. And then I just go like, oh, don't have seconds of that. Yeah. I'll be eating something out of a can. My wife will look at the expiration dates because, you know, this expired last year.

I said, I can't tell. Yeah. If I see mold, I won't eat it. Sure. If I see mold, if I see like a bug or something or, you know, some type of growth, if it smells like somebody farted into the thing that I'm eating, I'll be like, hmm, but other than that. Does that happen often?

Yeah. You like that or no? No. I don't know. Not at all. I'm not a big fart fan. My wife will buy like a bread, a loaf of bread from the farmer's market. It's fresh.

It gets green on it like after two hours in a mold. I will eat a piece of like wonder bread that's been sitting on the counter for a month and it's still fresh. How is that possible? Well, preservatives. You know what I saw on a video is that those mold spores spread throughout the item that you're eating. So just because you think you've picked off the mold, there's spores within the bread

and such. It happens to be mold. I don't think anything that crazy. It's mushrooms, isn't it? It's mushrooms. It's not bad. Yeah, it's mushrooms, for sure. Yeah, it's natures.

It's portella. It's portabella. Yeah. It's portabella. It's portabella. Let's see. Mold can produce toxic chemicals, as well as mycotoxins. They can cause diseases, even death, depending on the amount of food.

Oh, I guess that's not good. Do you ever stand in the sunlight? It's in the sunlight streaming through the room and you scratch your cheek or something. You see all these white flecks floating around? That's so creepy. What are we breathing in every day? Well, we're dying. Oh, my God.

We're dying every day. No, but the dust. I know what you're talking about. Sometimes you just see a beam of light and it's just gross dust. Yeah, it's us. We're just breathing that in. That's our bodies just decomposing. I might have to wear that mask from now on.

But that's what your nose hairs are for. That's why they tell you not to breathe through your mouth. Oh, I had those all waxed out. All of them? Yeah. I lived one in the back just to do that. But it's just too much work for one. It's too much work.

Yeah. So if you were a single man, you would use social media to like... Dating apps. Yeah. But I mean like just to announce like who you are, what you're looking for. Probably. Yeah. Because there's a couple of guys that we found that are doing it and they're fucking knocking

it out of the park. Like this guy here. Yeah, beautiful. I'm looking for a plus-size one that's making real. A real motherfucker. I'm down for mine. I'm all about mine. Looking for love.

Oh, he's a keeper. I'm your man. I mean that was like right to the point, listen to a great pitch. When your daughter grows up, is dating age, where is this guy going to be? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You do have a daughter, right? Two boys.

Okay. When you have your daughter. Yeah. And she's coming. Yeah, she's coming. How old are your kids? 64. Oh, that's a great age.

So cute. One is adopted. The black one. Yeah. The black one. Yeah. And what's the other one? He's half Chinese.

Oh, really? Yeah. But he's like, she's the other half. Oh, nice. You did go to has a plastic surgery, I say. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes, on me.

Yeah. Yeah. Good for you. Thank you. You guys haven't made. I know. You do. I know.

I mean, you could do a lot better, but at this point you haven't made. Yeah. Yeah. Is this true? Yeah. Are you happy? Yeah, I'm happy. Tom, look at me.

Are you happy? I'm happy. You are? Yeah. Are you happy? Tom is very, I'll get to that in a minute. Sure. Sure.

Tom is very, very composed. Yeah. I don't know him that well, but I like him. Yeah. But he's like, like me a lot where he doesn't get overly excited about anything. Yeah, that's so true. And I get complaints about that because my wife is very enthusiastic about things and shows her feelings.

I'm like, I don't trust anything, I guess. I'm so used to being let down. I'm like, huh, that's the same Tommy. And I'm like, there have been times where I'm like, just get excited. It's fucking crazy. Dude, you just sold it in a way. You just did a book. You did that.

And he's like, yeah. It's very cool. I know, right? And it's so sad because I want you to enjoy life the way other people can. Because he realizes underneath what he really is. Tom, what is it? Just like me. Dead.

We're dead inside. Dead? Yes. But you love, I would. I wouldn't say. I would go. Well, I think the thrill of life is really probably doing like, I mean, I've, you know, I've joked about this, but I do think like following somebody around, following them

home, following them to a park or a trail and like doing what is innately inside of all of us would probably give me the thrill that I'm. That's the truth. I think he's right. And because I think the more you joke about it, the more I think you're 100% not lying. You're telling the truth. He watches that Dahmer show over and over and over. He restarted the whole series.

Just start from the beginning. Watch it again. Really? Yeah. Geez. I can't stomach it. How about making of a murderer? Remember that one?

Yeah. Yeah. Is that what excites you too? Death? Like does it take a lot to excite you because I think that's what he's trying to say. What is the thing? There's so many such. The death.

It's the torture before the death. That's why. Yes. Yes. You were on the same page. Yeah. I mean, if they were legal, if that was legal, which I assume it will be one day. Yeah.

Boy, you'd see some smiles on our face. Right? I've never seen a full blown smile from Tom. I've seen a little bit of. No. I have that fantasy of kidnapping someone, tying them up, torturing them. Like, you know, somebody who deserves it. Not like a bat.

Not a good person. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. You are right up my street here. Yeah. Oh my God.

Are you kidding me? You don't know if they're going to be excited about something or really angry. That's true. You know? Are you kidding me? I love that too. I love that too. No, I just, as a disclaimer, I think that's sick.

That's really sick. And anybody listening, it doesn't, it's not me. Maybe it's Tom, but it's not me. No, no, no. I was doing a bit. I'm doing a bit. You're doing a bit. Now, let's get it back to Tom for a second here.

Yes. I was telling somebody, I'm doing the YMH. You got to tell me what that stands for, by the way. I'm doing the YMH podcast, and I know Tom, and Tom loves cars. Yeah. Tom, right? Yeah. Tom loves cars.

Yeah. And when people get a little success, they're like rappers in a way, but they'll go with cars if you're like a comedian or... Yeah. Because cars, you've always loved cars. You probably have two or three, like really high performance cars. Right? Less?

Two. Yeah. Two. More than two? So you got four cars that you really love, right? You splurge a little bit. You got four cars. Right?

More? You want a fleet of cars? Do you have a taxi company? Where are you going with this? I was just going to say, it's nice to have a hobby. Yeah. But I will never collect anything. I can't...

But this is true, but isn't this your hobby that you've known? I'm done with that now. I'm so sick of that. I'm so sick of that. Yeah. Yeah. No, that is my hobby. It is available though.

Exactly. I exaggerate my brushes with fame. I exaggerate my brushes with fame. Yeah. And Tom, you know, we got to do a hike, so I keep bothering you for a hike, but I know you're here now and you're busy, but I've got a hiking show coming out, October 27th, before season. Oh, great.

It's called Hiking with Kevin on YouTube. There's some great trails here in Austin. I've been on them along the river. Oh, along the river, along the creeks. I have a little app. I find them. I take the boys. They love it.

I do a trail, but I'm not sure I could trust them. I don't think you can trust me. You can trust me. We did a few walks together in L.A. We did. We did actually. That was really fun. And they are walks, by the way.

They're not really hikes. Yeah. But you had one of my... You had one of the funniest things I'd seen that you did. The walk, which is that we were re-walking, and then, you know, there's a group walking towards us, and he'd be like, oh, hey, we were just talking about you, and we'd just keep walking. That's so funny.

And then we wouldn't stop right and just keep walking, and they're like, that's so silly. How are they talking about us? Yeah. So funny. But I had some good people on this year so far. I've done 14. I've done over 100 hikes so far. I'm exhausted.

Oh, my gosh. I would love to go on the hike. I would. Well, when you have time, we'll do it. Yeah. But Paul, what are you here for? I'm here... I'm leaving in a couple hours.

Oh, okay. I'd text you beforehand to see if you wanted to do one, but... I was in Canada. You were in Canada. Paul Rudd is the opening. Love Paul Rudd. Hiker. Yeah.

And Eugene Levy did one. Lovely. Great caneer. So funny. Yeah. A lot of heavy hitters. This is your basketball team. No, Jones.

It is. Dang. Yeah. So that's October 20th on YouTube. Oh, yeah. But that happened already. So, you know, I like to let people know that that's the first episode if they can go back and watch it.

I might be able to do it next week. In LA? Mm-hmm. Okay. I'm on this book tour. I don't know if I'll be there. Oh, Jesus Christ. How are we going to fucking walk them?

Plus, I had a knee replace like two months ago. You did? So, yeah. Jeez. We could just walk through like a mall or something. I know the plastic surgeon. Just do my nose. I know.

And he goes down to the knee. We could do a mall. I asked Steve Martin if he would go and hike. He goes, if we do Beverly Hills, is that okay? I'll just hold some bushes behind us like we're out in the woods hiking. But the thing about those... Did he do it with you? No.

Those people never... They let down their guard when they're out on the trail. It's not like being in a studio. It's different, yeah. Like right here. Nature. I mean, I'm very guarded right here. Sure.

But when you get out on a trail, there's no camera. And there's no like lights and audience. That's true. And people kind of forget and that the endorphins going and... And I remember passing people. When I was hiking, you pick up bits of conversation as they go and buy. No, I know. It's the best part.

And it's so interesting. Sometimes I'll follow those people to hear the rest of the story. Yeah. I heard one guy passing with his wife and I felt so sad for him. As they were passing, I heard him say, do you think I could golf tomorrow? Oh. That's how you want it. They're going to divorce.

Take it to the fucking cabin in the woods. Just let her lie over it. Christine, I'm not surprised you're alive still. I know, me too. You got that at night with your eyes open? Yeah. I go to bed listening to him watch Dahmer or whatever murderous shit that he's into. But anyway, I've been hiking here in Texas and you know what I love is the animals.

I'm actually going to... I put out a little video every now and then about what I see. Like just the huge ass bumblebees. They're so big, like spiders that are this big. They may be birds. Oh, maybe they're birds. They're yellow and black birds here. Yeah.

And then armadillos everywhere. Oh, man. And then vultures that eat the dead shit in the street. Yes, I love those. It's so fucking cool, man. So cute. Dude, I saw a dead snake on the road the other day. What kind of snake?

Just a tiny little something. I don't know. It's cool as shit. You've got to watch the little ones. The little ones are the most ferocious I've learned. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah.

A little baby rattlesnake. They've got an adrenaline in them. They've got a lot of spoils. Rattlers. They don't know how to control it. Oh, right. And sometimes a rattlesnake will be laying in the trail in LA. And it's big.

And I don't know what to do to get. I don't want to jump over it because you might jump up because they could jump. Sure. And this woman passed me. I said, you know, there's a snake. The trail's closed. There's a snake right there. She goes, oh, no, no.

I'll show you how to do it. They feel vibration. So you have to stomp your feet really hard on the ground near them. And then they slither away. Don't get too close. Right. And I have a friend who caught a rattlesnake. No.

He's crazy. He will sneak up on them. There's a time of the year when they're a little more passive. Passive. I think it's maybe summer. I'm not sure, but he'll go up to it and he'll take, he'll get his thumb and forefinger on both hands out. No.

And then he'll grab the tail in the head at the same time. No. Pick it up. Yeah. No. Does friends out of his fucking mind? Well, it was a scary looking rattler. Well, we get snakes under our sun deck in the summertime, especially at night.

They like to cool off. Oh, no. And they'll come, those snakes will just come right in the shade. You got to wear shoes and scorpions and shit. Oh my God. So you love Austin. You love living here? I love it.

Pretty cool. I do. I love it. No, it's great. It's great. You don't mind the heat? No. That sucks, yeah.

I mean, but still, I feel like you... What do you care? You're touring all the time, Tom. I know. I love the water. Do you live near the water? I can't say. Oh, I know you really do.

I know what you're talking about. I know what a house it is. Yeah, I know. No, there's a house by the water up there. I know where it is. You know? It's true. What kind of chicks are you into?

Chicks? All I'm looking for is a man who's willing to explore the wilderness. Hey, trails. I get that. I get that. I have to say, I think she... I mean, this goes against everything we stand for at YMH. Yeah.

She kind of looks hot with it. I feel like if there is a chick to have this armpit hair, it's this girl. Oh, I thought you were talking about the moon. I didn't even notice the arm hair. I was thinking that the moon is really cool. She is pretty. She fits... She's the type of girl that should have armpit hair.

Yeah. Looks good on her. I think so. She likes the wild. Yeah, she does. She wants to explore. You can have her on the hiking show. I'm thinking maybe that might be a good hike under that arm right there.

Yeah. A lot of foliage. Yeah, it's all that. Traps a lot too. Yeah. What about... Okay, Tom, about her hangers, what do you think about those hangers? Those hangers of hers?

Yeah. Yeah, they seem full, plump, you know. Yeah. You like plump. I mean, you know... She's in the big hangers. I don't have any complaint about breasts. Like, I just think as a...

They're all good. Okay, here's my question. They're all good. Here's my question for both of you. Yeah. I've been trying to figure this out a long time. Can not go topless, say, in most places. Yes.

Even if they have no breasts at all, hardly. Yeah. But a plus-size man... Yes. ...who has very big breasts... Yeah. ...can walk around anywhere without a bra. Yeah, it's crazy.

I know. So what is the... What should be the rule? Gosh, it's such a good idea. Very thought-provoking. I think it's so silly that... That we... Good question.

Don't allow women to be topless. That's the silly part, you know? But he's saying, I like your point, is that what is the difference? Is it a cup-size? Is it an A-cup? No, it's a woman. That's the... But what if she likes to be identified as a man?

Well, that's a different... That's a whole different thing. That's a whole different kind of worms right there. Yeah. Because I think maybe men would lose more weight and get healthier if they had to wear a bra. Well, hold on now. You're not allowed to say that because it's cool to be fat. No, I'm saying healthier.

Do you know any of these fat models? Healthier. Yeah. You could be as heavy as you want. I'm talking about healthier. Yeah. Here you go. That's a man.

Oh, he's sexy. You gotta love these things, eh? I know I do. I love the weight of them. I love hanging onto them. Now, he should wear a bra. Yeah. He's got no penis either.

That's a piece of bacon. Yeah. What? No, he had those put on. No. Yeah, look at the scars around there. I know. Believe me.

Those are tit-cups. He suctioned them out. No. That's where the red thing is there. Yeah. Oh, so anybody could do that. You can do that right now. Oh, sweet.

Do you want to try? We actually ordered our own stuff. Do you want to put yours in? There's no reason never to get married. Yeah. How much for you to try at tit-cups? Both. Yeah.

Just let them suction on for like 20 minutes. I don't know how healthy that is though. Oh, it's fine. Is it alright? Yes. Can you just do your breasts or can you do your... You can do your junk. Yeah.

That I might do. Penis-cups? Yeah. You happy with your anatomy? No. No. Are you? Is anybody happy with...

If there weren't other people around, I'd be happy because I wouldn't have anything to compare to. Good point. But do you remember the first time you went into a locker room? Yes. And guys were walking around. Yes. Old guys. Yeah.

With their balls dragging. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. I mean, that like scared me. Scared me too. There was a... So I was on a swim team when I was like...

That's where I know you from. I knew I knew you from somewhere. I was just killing me. What do I know this guy from? It's a swim team. Dude. And because you're in Speedos and then you see a kid like six years older than you. That's also on the other level swim team.

They're like... I know. What? And you're like, I'm not changing, you know? And then we were middle school basketball. Oh my God. And of course, you know, fucking, of course, basketball is black. It's on the team.

And you're like, holy shit. It's never seen anything like this. You're just kind of like, man, I guess I'm gonna... That's when I started like playing with myself before getting undressed so I could get a little weight going, you know? Yeah, yeah. I get that. I get that.

Totally. Yeah. I mean, I was a late bloomer. Yeah. I really was. I was a late bloomer. I was 5'8 when I graduated high school. Yeah.

I swear to God. When you graduated high school? When I graduated high school. You're 18 years old, 5'8. Yeah. 5'8. Nobody here. I was so late blooming.

And I would come back from, let's say we're going to a locker room after a team sport. I didn't play anything, but maybe I tried out for something. And I would always get to the locker room first. Even after working out so hard, I would run ahead of everybody. And so I could get changed, take a shower before people came in. And saw how well in doubt I was, because I was embarrassed about that. Yeah. Sure.

No, but you know what I mean? I had like nobody here. Yeah. And these guys all look like my father walking around in there. Crazy. Do you grew 7 inches in college? Huh? You grew like 7.

Yeah. Holy shit. Damn, don't. Well, yeah, I graduated and I got a job working as a lifeguard on the beach. Maybe it's the son. Yeah. And I was a late bloomer. Like my son is the same way.

And the doctor said he's going to be 6'3. Damn. I don't know how they could tell. How big are they going to be? I don't know how they tell either. Well, there's a formula they use, because they did it in front of me once. Really? Yeah, they take the heights of both of the parents and then they calculate, it's a pretty,

it was a pretty simple formula. And then they can guess within 2 to 3 inches. Within 7, 8 inches. Yeah, 7, 8 inches. But within 2, they said, I think they said within 2 inches, the formula has like a 96% accuracy. You can also do like, I think bone density in your hand or something. They said you need to scan.

Add the mother's height to the father's height and either inches or centimeters. Add 5 inches for boys or subtract 5 inches for girls and you divide by 2. That's the formula. Let me give him a calculator out here. Yeah. Yeah. What's the other? Oh, David Robinson had the most famous growth spurt, I think, that I've heard of.

You ever hear about David Robinson's? He graduated high school, I believe, 5'9 and he ended up being 7'1. Jesus. What? Yeah. That's crazy. He went to the Naval Academy and then they were like, you can't be in any fucking military force.

What are you talking about? I wanted to be a pilot. You're way too tall. I'm too tall. Yeah. I should have applied when I was in high school. Yeah. True.

I know I would have grown in the cockpit and I couldn't get out. Yeah. It used to be flying today. That's true. How tall is your wife? She's actually 7'1. Jesus. Now, she's 5'7.

Oh. So let's do the formula. Okay. 6'4. Load up again. That's 7 inch difference. All right. So father's height and inches.

What's 6'4 and inches? That's 7'2. So let me 9 inch together. Right? 3, 4, 5, 6. 7'6. Yeah. 7'6 plus 5'7.

Hold on. We're going to do it. What's 7'2 minus 5? 7'6. 6'7. 6'7. Yeah. Plus.

Oh, you got a calculator. Yeah. Okay. And then plus 5. Yeah. And divided by 2. This is scary. So that's 6'2.

Oh. So 6'2 and then the margin is supposed to be like 2 inches. Wait a minute. Do you divide 2 into 74? What? What do you do with the 74? That's the final number. Oh, that's the number of inches.

Okay. That's good to know. 6'2. Thank you, doctor. That's perfect. That's lovely. Stop buying. Start buying in pants.

That is a good level. I'm like just below that freaky level. Right. Tall. Although people seem to go, oh, you're tall. You know that 95% of the population is under 6'4. So you're in the 5% already. And then with every inch above that, that percentage goes down.

So you are at the very bottom of what could be freaky and weird. Yeah. I'll see somebody really tall. And I'll say to my wife, am I not tall? And she'll go, no, no, no, no. Sometimes I'll see somebody tall. If I'm alone, I'll kind of stand next to them. I look in the mirror.

I'm not that tall. But I'm right there though. I'm right there. I'm knocking on the door. Thank God things stopped. That's so funny you do that. I always ask Tom, am I that fat? Yeah, I do too.

Am I that fat? Do I look like that, Lee? I do that too. I'm not right. Don't say fat. It's not good. Unhealthy. Unhealthy.

Unhealthy. I got it. I got your game, man. I got your game. Your eyes are hazel, are they? They are hazel. And that's a rare thing too. I don't like the rare air of that.

I mean, nobody has a hazel. Is that true? It's very rare. Yes. I like hazel. That's nice, dude. You're another anomaly. I'm brown.

Are you brown? Are you Mexican or brown? I'm half Asian. Half Mexican. I'm half Asian. Half Mexican. Dude, you're brown. What do you guys do for a hobby?

Let's talk about you for a minute. I started a not oil painting, the other one, acrylic. Acrylic. And I'm horrible at it. I gave Tom my first painting. I'm garbage. I like being garbage at something and just enjoying it. And actually, I think it was you that kind of inspired me.

Really? Because your painting is in the room that I paint in. And I was like, I want to try that. And it was encouraging because I think people, you know, when you pick something up, you're like, I have to be good at this. And I'm like, you know what? I don't have to be good at this. No one's going to see this.

I don't give a shit. I just want to do something different. I mean, people raise their eyebrows at this, but I've been collecting Nazi memorabilia. People don't know how hard it is to get the good stuff. It really... The authentic stuff. Not the knock-offs. The authentic stuff is, I mean, I have a whole circle of people that I go through.

Shit is not easy to get a hold of. What do you do with it? Well, I have like, I have Gerbils handkerchief. I got... I have a... Hitler's tea set, remember that one? Any paintings by Hitler? Yeah.

Oh, you do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not that good. No. Oh, yeah, he never was that good. Yeah, but, you know, it's still... It's kind of like when you wake up in the morning and you're like, man, Hitler made that. It really kind of gives you a boost to your day.

Yeah. Sometimes I'll be driving through Hollywood and I'll look at the Hollywood sign. Yeah. Those are really good paintings. Oh, those are nice. Hitler was a good painter. They're some nice font sign. He looks good.

Tom, which one do you have of these? That third one from the... You can't tell they're paint by numbers though, can you? They're really good. Yeah, that was good. That mountain skateboard. Yeah. They finally got that castle one back because the Nazis confiscated it from Hitler during

the war, and then it ended up in one of the Nazis' homes. So they got it and they gave it back to Hitler as a state. Oh, that's so lovely. Nice. Yeah. You ever look at something... They ever look at something like, say, a painting or something and you think, these are the same images that so-and-so looked at when they were alive.

Yeah. Like, I'll be driving through Hollywood and I'll look at the hills and I'll think, this car cable looked at when he was driving. Sure. My gosh. Yeah. That's so funny. That's my hobby.

That is a good hobby. But Tom, you like cars. I know you like cars. I do. And I also started going the racetrack driving with an instructor. Really? Yeah. It's like a hobby.

Like Paul Newman. I mean, yeah. I mean, a better-looking version, but yeah. It's like a... Yeah. I wouldn't cut yourself down. I think you are a good-looking guy. He's very handsome.

He's very handsome, especially now that he looks healthy. Yeah. Thanks. He's a young Paul Newman, actually, if you look at it. Paul Newman. All right. Maybe if he stood on his head. You know?

Yeah. Do you ever look at yourself upside down? I have. It's not that great. Not good? No. Jesus. He was a handsome guy.

Paul Newman. Look at it. That's you, Tommy. Yeah. That red headshot when you were young. A young Tommy Segura. Look at the bottom right. I'm telling you.

If I had the F1 driving body, maybe. I did see him once. Yeah? Yeah. But today, one of these resorts in Massachusetts, you know, where you go for healthy stuff. Yeah. Forget the name of it. But he was leaning against the bar or the breakfast bar, whatever, as we were leaving.

And I thought, oh my gosh, Paul Newman. I see a lot of people like that. I saw Cary Grant once. No shit. In the back of a golf cart. The first celebrity ever. I was like 10. Kennedy JFK sitting in the back.

Damn. White hair, big black glasses. I thought, man, he's changed a lot. Mm-hmm. When I saw him when I was three. Yeah. Oh, I met Gallagher when I was nine at a seafood restaurant in the San Fernando Valley. And he signed an autograph for me.

And I was like, I was so just starstruck. If you got him to sign a watermelon, that would have been worth it. I saw. I saw most guy. It was the guy. Craig T. Nelson turned down a kid who asked for an autograph at Orlando Airport. No. It was fucking amazing.

I got to see the whole thing and he came up with the pen and he was like, I was like, here's the one guy. Tough to top. Yeah. When I first moved to Los Angeles, there was a restaurant in Los Yenka called Allen Hale's Lobster Barrel or something. And he owned the place and he would come around to each table and ask how you're doing from Gilligan's Island.

Oh. Skipper captain. That's such a classy thing. Skipper. Here's the book. It's called, I exaggerate my brushes with fame. Kevin Nealon has portraits and stories. Dude, you really are an incredible artist.

You really are. It's really, really incredible. There's stories too. I think you'll be surprised at what I give out on some of those. I can't wait to read this one, you know. Is that Hitler? Thank you. Yeah.

Hitler. The Hitler story. Hitler are just incredible. And misunderstood is an understatement. By the way, one quick thing. You could edit this out if you want. Like I said, when I was a kid, I lived in Germany. Yeah.

I lived in a German neighborhood. A lot of the kids were in the military, their parents, so they lived on the army bases. My father worked for a helicopter company, so we lived in a German neighborhood. And a lot of my friends were German. And this is 15 years after World War II. I go over to my friend's house and in the living room, it's a glass case of German boats. You know, one of those scenes, you know, all the like U-boats and everything. And at the time, I was even eight or nine.

I thought, this is kind of weird. You know, his father is like in the other room reading the newspaper. And I thought, man, this is like some serious stuff here. I'd better watch while I pick his friends. Yes. But, you know, that transition time was probably interesting for German families that were in the war back then. Especially if they were on the right team.

Sidebar. But I did go in the closet and got a shirt for you as a little gift. Oh, thanks man. Thank you. It's got a little kind of Nazi kind of stuff on it. Cool, dude. And two of the boats. I got two of the boats.

All right. Well, I have cash here that I keep at the office. Oh, this is on me. Oh, my God. Wow. I've been making all these bank runs for no reason. You're going to go to ATM. You don't have to go to the bank.

There's not enough cash at the ATM for what I get. That's true. Thank you for coming though. Thanks for having me. Love you. I'll try to hike with you if you're around next week. Yeah, call me. I'm in and out.

When are you going to be there? We'll talk in a minute. I'll tell you in a minute. Okay. I'll give you my digits. Okay. All right. Dang.

Here we are. Bye, guys. Bye. Fun. Fun. Fun. Fun. Fun.

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Fun. Fun. Fun. Come on. Fun. Fun. Fun. Fun.

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Fun. Fun.