Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 683 - Kevin Smith - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 23, 2022

YMH LIVE is BACK! Just in time for the holidays! Come join us for A Very Cool Christmas, Dec. 9th at 8pm CT. Get your tickets NOW at https://livestream.ymhstudios.com/ SPONSORS:- Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to get $200 off ANY mattress of your choice. Welcome back to the Mommy-Dome with Tom Segura and Christina P! We start with a story about their kids peeing and farting on Christina, open on a super cool guy talking about women playing games, and talk about Tom’s mom’s new terrible haircut! Christina realizes Tom needs a valet, and then we welcome acclaimed director and podcaster, Kevin Smith! Tom and Kevin chat about how YMH Studios got to where it is, touring, Clerks and the freedom of making your own projects. Kevin wonders if posting crying selfies is a mistake, he learns about how Tom got funny, and shares what it was like to work with George Carlin. Tom talks about the beginning of his career, Kevin talks about his heart attack and weight loss, and Tom shares some more info on his self-produced project. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

Tickets are on sale right now for YMH Live, a very cool Christmas, December 9th. Join us. We have YMH Originals special guests, Bobby Lee and a whole lot more, a very, very heavy segment VIP package with the great Josh Potter. Go to live stream.YMHStudios.com. I'm 205 right now. So but I've been and yet you have the audacity to call a podcast to bears one cave. They were hardly a bear. Well, it started. I was way fatter. So now you got to change the name of the podcast. We had a podcast called Fat Man Beyond. Fat Man on Batman. Yeah. Then I lost weight. We had to change it to Fat Man Beyond. Really?

Because I felt like it was false advertising. So what should we call it? One bear, one otter. One bear, one otter. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what else would it be? It's like Tom and the Hitler guy. I don't know. You know, I look so rested and wonderful. I sleep on a satva mattress. It's just that simple. I love all the mattresses I've had from satva, the lumen leaf, the luxury firm, and I sleep on a solar every single night impeccable quality made in the United States of America. A 90 day in home trial. If you don't like it, you can send it back, but you're

not gonna because it's just that great. Why not treat yourself to a high quality luxury mattress without those ridiculous prices of other mattress companies? And let me tell you, right now go to satva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next satva. Purchase satva.com slash the shit. That's S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit for $200 off. Get yourself one for Christmas, for Hanukkah, for Kwanzaa. Whatever it is you're celebrating, celebrate your life. Sleep is the most important thing. Invest in your good sleep. Satva.com slash the shit for $200 off. And we're back. We're here. It's we're queer and Polly. Get used to it. Get used to it. Bye. All of my pronouns. Everything's good. Hey, it's so cold in here.

We, but we blew out a fuse apparently. Well, yeah, I identify as a Inuit. Oh, and now we're all having to play along with your new identification. I get it. Good thing we have this fire crackling. Nice and toasty. Toasty over here. I like having a fire going at the house. It is so much fun. Nothing more fun than a blaze and fire. Except when you have two little boys who go, can we pee on it? And you're like, no. They do want to pee on it so bad. Which I get. I'd want to pee on it too. But I'm like, maybe pee on an outdoor fire, not the living room fire. Yeah, they can pee on the outside stuff. You know, don't piss in the living room. Don't piss in the living room. But they do. They pee on, LS peed on me the other day as a funny ha ha. Yeah. He was hugging me and then he

goes, mom, I just peed on you. And I was like, thank you. I know. I just changed into that outfit and then the younger one peed on you and he had the best reaction afterwards. He goes, I need everyone to get together. I have a story to tell. Yeah. I mean, this is so like, you want to talk about the origin of a comedian. He goes, I have a story to tell, but I need everybody together. Yeah. And I was like, everyone get into the room. He goes, and he goes, it might be great and it might not be. So he was like, potentially, like this might bomb or I might kill. Yeah. But I'm just letting you guys know. And we're like, all right. So we all get together and we're like, what's, what's up? And he goes, I stood on the edge of the bathtub and I peed on mom.

And then he goes, that was it. That was the whole story. That was the whole story. Yeah. And I was like, I mean, yeah, pretty not bad. Do you, I mean, and they do, they pee on me all the time. They fart on me. The other day, teacher woke me up by sitting on my head and farting. You tolerate a lot more though. I give them the business. But the thing is, is that in all sincerity, it doesn't really bother me. I know. It's just slap-dicky and it makes me laugh. I sat on the couch yesterday and our youngest literally walked over, took my head, moved it like this to his ass and farted and then like farted right in my face. And I go, hey, he goes, I farted. I go, I know you just farted in my face. Disrespect. But when I pin them down and fart on

them, they cry. They cry. Pussies. Yeah. Sometimes I hold them down and I fart and they're like, ah, you farted on me. But that's when you call them pussies. Stop being such cry babies. Yeah, like grow up, bitch. Yeah. Speaking of it. Yeah. I don't know if you noticed this lip shade I'm wearing. Yeah. Perfect gift for Christmas for the lady in your life. Christina P's perfect red lipstick. Watch this. It's got the magnetic ka-pow. That way it doesn't open. It is a great design feature in your bag. It's a great design in it. I don't know. And you know why other companies don't do it? Why? Because they're cheap, Tom. Cheap, yeah. They're cheap MF'ers. And when I, I spared no expense in this Italian made lipstick. It's made in Italy. Italy. That's how high quality

it is. Very hydrating and it's the perfect shade of red. Get it at ymhstudios.com. I gotta tell you. I gotta tell you. Selling like hot cake. I gotta tell you, man. I gotta give you credit. You, uh, you had this idea. I had no idea. For years. You got a bona fide hit. Like a legit hit on your hands. It's crazy. It's the number one seller. Number one seller. But you know why? Two mommies, one jeans. Yeah. Yeah. Good job. Thanks, pal. Yeah. I'm so stoked about this because this really is the product. You know, they say you always create the thing you wish existed for you. For me. And I wanted this so long. That's why I got into palm casting. I honestly was a guest on a, on a palm cast and I got so irritated at the host. Yeah. Because of how he conducted the

show. And like, I was like, why aren't you asking this? And why aren't you doing this? He was like, I don't know. And that really made me want to do it. Yeah. I know you're saying. I was just like, so I ended up doing the podcast that you want to listen to. Oh, for sure. You know what always made me so unhappy listening to radio? And you're just like, why can't they be honest right now? Why are they laughing? What is, what is so funny? And why is this like, so the pace is terrible? No one's telling the truth about anything. Yeah. I hate when people aren't truthful. I can't stand it. So this is the one place you can say where the fuck you want to save space. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Fuck all the haters. Fuck them all. T19. T19. T16. T16. F all the haters. Yeah. 100%.

Working on my flow. Yeah. These are really, really gifted lyricists. My rhyme. Okay. Let's play the opening. Hey, here you go. And the reason why I'm doing this is for three reasons. One, because there are women out there who say they're interested and they want to get to know me, but they're either playing games or they're not sure what they're getting themselves into. Yeah. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Yeah. Yeah. Some women do not know what they're getting themselves into with this guy. I don't think

any woman knows what they're getting with this guy. If you don't know, we had played clips of him. Oh, I remember him. Before. I don't see the original stuff here, but he said that he was really proficient at sex. He's good at everything. Like really proficient. I remember. Women lose their fucking minds with him. Well, I remember feeling aroused. Oh, you do? Watching him tell me all the stuff that he's into. He was like, I'm good. Women flip out when they see me. And they do things I've never done before and I push their boundaries. And then he said he likes to do things with food. He's like, I like whipped cream and the sweets and all that. And that's when I tapped out because I think that stuff's very messy. And we should also point, he's doing these videos on

the job. He's wearing his security jacket. What better time? It's a cool time. Hey, man, are you watching the monitors right now? God. Oh, it's cool. Second reason I'm doing this is because a lot of men out there have lost their moxie. They've forgotten how to be men. That's not true. They're terrified of women. That's true. And I'm hoping that this will give them their moxie back. That's kind of cool. It's a good word. Moxie. I like that word. So he's trying to help people. I respect that. Yeah, he's a self-help guy. I don't know that. Second. You already said second. I mean, third reason is because there are a lot of women out there who've lost their way too. Oh. They become arrogant. They become too prideful. They become full of themselves. Bitches.

Feminists. Feminists. Feminists. Feminists. Some women out there are not like that and hats off to you. Oh, thank you. But hopefully after this video of talking about me, we'll knock you down a peg or two. Thank you. You know, the world needs people like this, honestly. For sure. And also to put those feminists is in their place. Yeah, reset. You know what you need? A little reset. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's see what's up. Tell them what's up, dog. And hopefully by me, talking about me will lead by an example and help my fellow men out there gain their moxie back. All right. The premise is set up. Let's go. Because men should not be afraid of women. Okay. No. Okay. And women need to be knocked down a peg or two. I already said it. Let's do it.

Where is the lesson? So that's my plan. That's my hope. And at the same time, get rid of some riff raffs and let you guys know who I am as a person. Okay. I'm ready. Well, the video ends there. That's it. Oh, I was so looking forward to the dissertation. Well, there's another one. Okay. Let's see. So I've been running around doing errands, but as promised, I am doing a segment talking about me. Oh, only me. Okay. So I'm not your average man. No. Okay. So we're going to talk about my interests and hobbies and goals. That's somebody like this in real life. I have. Like it's always the most below average guy who goes like, I'm not a regular dude. You're like, you're not even at regular yet. You're below

regular. I was going to say, I think the bagger at Randall's similar. You mean my mom? So my mom, my mom got a haircut the other day. She facetime me and she looked like Simple Jack. Like from it looks so bad. It was so bad. She looked just like that. She looked just like that. Can you send all of the picture? Oh, shit. It's so funny. Literally like this. Let me see if I can. She has such a bad history with haircuts. I remember when she got her haircut in Silver Lake and it was like the lesbian and then she came home looking like a lesbian. Mom, hey, we're on the podcast. We're talking about your haircut.

It's so cool. What? Did you go to the grocery store and ask them if you could start bragging groceries? No, I'm afraid to go because I don't have a uniform. You know, you look exactly like Simple Jack. Thank you, Tony. Actually, coming from you becomes a compliment. Oh, really? Okay, cool. Now, it was it's here. I'm going to try it. Can I put the picture of you on the show? No. Please. Give her a hand back. Come on. Did I say? Then whatever you want. Well, I mean, can we make it an even trade or something? Or an even trade. Okay. What do you give me? I got a hand back. It's a photo of you. No, it's a trade. So you're trading for what? For not a picture of you?

You want a picture of me? I'll send you a picture of me. No, I don't want. That's not a trade that I want. I have an album of you. Okay. What would you like? A purse. I knew it. It's not very expensive. It's not very expensive. I'll get her beige purse. It's not very expensive to whom? She always likes beige purse. To either one of you. Really? Yes. Okay. How much is it? It's like $400. $400? Yeah, it's not a thousand. That's true. Okay. All right. Okay. I don't know if you still understood, but he offered me last February. He asked me if I wanted a mattress for my bed. Every day I'm waiting for a call from the guy telling me that the mattress is coming. Okay. My butt is in the floor now because I have a box bed.

Okay. This purse is going to be for you. Okay. I'll send you the picture. No, I have the photos. I'm actually going to send them to my producer right now. Should I email them to you? Email or airdrop to this computer? Which airdrop? It should be called YMH Playback. Set one playback? Yeah. Okay. Play a six inch. Boy, there is nothing worse than a bad haircut. Got it. Got it. Got it. So, I sent you three. There should be an order. So, wait a minute. Mom, one of the things you said is that I go, why did you get this haircut? And you go, I go to a lady's house who doesn't cut hair. Yeah. Go to the other one first, actually. There's another one.

Hold on. No, we're, that's the second one. One more. Did you hear that? Hold on. Here's a woman. Christina, you're a woman. Haircut, blow dry and color, $60. Unheard of. And she said that the woman was like, my mom said, do you want to turn the light on? She goes, no, I don't want it to brighten here. She can see. She can see? Unheard of. She said, no, I can see. And she talks non-stop about her trip to Italy. In every place that she went, with places that she visited, which how long did they train last? I was exhausted. I said, don't you want to drink some water so you can breathe? Oh my God. Yeah, you, I call her every day to fix the color because she put brown

underneath. And all I hear from you every minute, I wake up as a good morning. Mom, do something to your hair. How about we make a special deal for this, okay? Okay. I'm going to get you the bag you want. And on top of that, how about we also pay for you to go to a nice salon? Oh my God. Would that be something? That is something. And then you have to go back to Publix and go, I don't work here anymore. I got a new pack. I mean, you look just like Simple Jack. Yeah. Okay. Should we the next picture? Yeah, there we go. And you were very funny. You said, oh, I forgot to put my makeup. Did I have a stroke? I don't know why you said that. I said, you look great. And then you said, wait till I put on my makeup. I bet they'll change my position

to manager. So you said you'd get upgraded, right? And then on the next one, I said, you look normal, mom. And you go, thanks, Tom, mom. You wrote that to me. I don't know why you said your mouth was crooked. I don't know why you said that. I don't think you look like you have a stroke, but I do think you need to not go to somebody's house to get your hair colored, cut, and blow dried. Well, I don't even think Bitsy. I think we spend more on Bitsy's hair. Yeah. Bitsy has a more expensive haircut. Bitsy already cost me over $3,500. Okay. So how about we put some of that towards your haircuts? Okay. Okay. Okay. Did you want to give me Botox soon? Don't want to give you Botox? Yeah. Yeah, where are you going to put?

We need a facelift, remember? The facelift? No, because I'm too old for the facelift. Were you doing ass implants? As implants? Yeah, they put like, basically, they inject fat into your photo to make, to give it a full round look. That is out of your mind. Why? That's the most stupid thing. I try to do my face and my back. Nobody's going to look at my back. Oh, they will after this? No, they won't. Otherwise, they're going to say, too bad that she has a good back, but look at that face. Okay. So we're going to do a bag, Botox, and a haircut. Yes. Okay. You got it. Okay. Thank you so much. No problem. You send me the money. No, because I don't want to tell you. You owe me this,

you owe me that, and three years later, like the mattress, I'm still waiting. Okay. How much money do I have to send you? It's a $400 bag. We already established that. Yeah. How much is Botox? I don't know. I don't have it gotten Botox. Well, it depends. I mean, does she want the good kind or at the mall? Yeah. I mean, are you going to go to a lady's house and do it in her garage, or are you going to go to like an actual? No, I'm going to go to a fancy salon. Okay. Well, find out the price. Christina knows how much is Botox, Christina. It depends. Like I said, if you want, if you want like a plastic surgeon to do it,

it can cost a lot of money. How much? A few thousand bucks. Okay. Or if you want to go to a back alley at the back of the bakery, a public, so $20. Yeah. I take the $4,000. Did you say $4,000? No one said $4,000. She said that. No, she said a few thousand. Depending on what, filler and Botox. Yeah. Peels. You what? I have to do the whole thing. I have to feel good with myself instead of crying and smiling. So all of a sudden this call became a $400 bag. Now it's $4,000. No, now it's $44,000. $44,000 for the Botox I'm feeling. I'm $400 for the Botox.

I don't know how you just did that. I really don't know how you just did that. $44,000. No, no, no, no. The Botox is not $4,000. Okay. Okay. The Botox is $39,000. No, it is not. I just give you a discount of $100. Nobody give me discounts of $100. You're a crazy person. We are not doing $4,000. It's too much. Okay. $39,000. No. It's too much. It's enough. Tell him it's okay, please. What about her teeth? She needs veneers. Big white ones. And tits us. Are you going to get your tits lifted?

No, just that. Let's get her big in. Let's do tits. If you do tits and plants, I'll send you more money. I'm not going to do tits and plants so many. That's stupid. Big ones. Big nice ones. Big round ones. Okay, I'll do my tits. Okay. As you said, okay, I'll do my tits. You want to look good on South Beach? I do my tits. Okay. All right, I'll give you a call after we're done, okay?

No, but with the money, yeah. I know what, we're going to have to figure out the amount. Yeah, okay, figure out the amount and then tell me the money via gene or whatever it's called. Unbelievable. Okay. Okay. Ciao. Witnesses, huh? Witnesses. Okay. I love you. I love you too. Okay, bye. Bye. That is unbelievable. Always with the shy sting.

This is crazy. Yeah, it's so weird because she does. She goes to fourth out. She has made up that number. Four is a higher end, but that's with filler and Botox and like some other shit that you do on your face. But she's always doing this. And you know what she did? This is what a little shit she is. This is exactly how she is such a little shit. Let's say I was like, all right, I'll send you four grants. She goes, no, 44 because four is for the bag. You can't include that. Like one time I gave her a grand at dinner at a casino.

You know, I gave, excuse me, I gave her like 500 bucks and she was like, that's it? And I was like, just to play with. Yeah. It's a ton of scratch to play with. So I go to the ATM and I get $1,000, right? Yes. And I go, where are you? She's like, I'm at this gift shop at the casino. I go and I give her $1,000 on top. So now she got $1,500. Jesus.

And I go, I'm going to bed. Like I was, I was like, I'm going to sleep. And she's like, thank you so much. And then she goes, I'm just, I'm just getting this lighter here. And I was like, okay, she goes, will you pay for it? And I go, I just gave you a thousand. She goes, I know. So just, just pay for the lighter. And I was like, no. And she was like, but if you, if you, I go, look, I get, you have to pay for that lighter now out of what I've just given you. Yeah. That's the whole point. She was like, no, no, but that's my money for this. You pay for this too.

And I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't pay for it. Such a shyster. She really knows how to hustle. She should have been like a salesperson or something. She did tell me, she goes, I bet you can't wait till I die. Jesus. And I go, well, I should go, so you could talk about it on stage and your fans go, my mom's dead.

And then she goes, see, cause I started laughing. I go, yeah, I know. I mean, I'll definitely say it. Yeah. I think what I was thinking of doing is she's going to be at my show in Florida, one of the shows I'm coming to, is just like in the middle of the show, being like, oh yeah, my mom died. She's like, what? And then just have everybody like, oh, I'm just kidding. She's here.

I just want to try it. She'd love that. She'd get a kick out of that. Yeah, it sucks. My mom just died earlier today, actually. Yeah. This would be like very funny to me. Jewel me now. I'm going to be like another fucking bill.

I know. She's always charging you for this comedy stuff. So here's what I'm interested in. I'm interested in drawing. I've been drawing for a long time now. I'm really good at it. Don't want to brag, but I am really good. But that is bragging.

That is bragging. Yeah. And as soon as I clean my house up, organize and everything, I intend to get myself a chess so I can lock up my portfolio, because I tend to rebuild my portfolio. Because when I was younger and not too long ago also, I had tons of drawings I was drawing and then they mysteriously disappeared. Or they were destroyed.

And I don't want to get back into drawing unless I can actually protect my artwork. But yeah, that's what my goal is. As an artist, that is a very big interest of mine. And I want to be able to do it professionally. You know, I want to be so good as almost as good as a comic book illustrator, if not better. So yeah, that's one of my interests on goals. Okay.

You know what I think happened? You know anything happen to his drawings? His mom was cleaning his room because he still lives at home and his mom threw him away by accident. There was nice background audio. Always. And the great ankle and the stellar lighting. Don't forget. Check, check, check, check, check, check.

Check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check. Yeah. That's what happened. Yeah, she probably did do away with his stuff. She is not. Accidentally. Can I tell you, I was watching today the latest season of the Cryon as I was on the treadmill. And you know what occurred to me that you need more than anything?

What? Not another car, not another fancy designer jacket. You need a valid. A valid? Remember from Downton Abbey, you have a valid. Okay, so King Edward VIII, after he abdicated his throne, had a valid. And you know what this guy said? He goes, from the minute he opened his eyes until the moment he closed his eyes,

I took care of his every need. I would love this. That's what I'm saying, bro. And that line alone, I was like, could you imagine? Are you paying attention? Yeah. If you open your eyes and your valid is there with your coffee, which is a splash of oat milk. Just the way you like it, sir.

And then here's the latest news in sports, sir. And here's yours. I want him to be British. Yeah. Well, that's what happened is King Edward taught this valid all the ways of the British gentleman. And he'll teach you the ways of the gentleman. So how do we put, I want to put this call out now. Can we make it happen on the show?

A British valid? Yeah. Dude, and he dresses you and he combs you. He combs your shoulders with the brush to get the lint off. You know how he does that? I'm down nabby. I'm ready. Your meals.

They know exactly how you like everything to. I'm ready for this. No, I know. Well, what do you want him to be like? Like, do you want what's so just British? Yeah. Okay. Educated.

Educated. Handsome. Sure. I'll take you lit. Not too young. Not too young. I want him to be an adult. But this valid was young and that way Edward taught him the ways that he liked it so that

there's something to be said but you have to be patient because then you're training that valid. Yeah, I don't have a lot of patience. And the cool thing is the valid would come to like polo matches and sit next to his man. You know what I mean? Like he's literally your right hand guy. Yeah. Your valid just talks for you and does everything for you. I love it.

I know. I think I want a valid too. Like someone just to pet my head and take care of me and like walk me through life. Well, also I wouldn't mind if you were Japanese. Like real submissive. Well, I just like, I like that culture, you know. Oh, a Japanese man. And we have to be a man though.

You don't want a woman. I don't want it. I want it to be a man. Yeah, I want a valid too, I think. We fucking rad. Yeah, someone who's not scared to, you know, get involved. And not too chatty either because I know you don't want to talk but he just knows your every need. Mr. Sakura has to take a shit now and he knows when you shit.

And he's like, oh, that's... Someone who's slapped a lady when she's mouth off, you know. Yeah, mm-hmm. Okay. Oh, fuck. I just took these off. Those are terrible. These are probably the ugliest ones I am working with.

You have a collection of those. I have a collection of the ugliest sneakers. Look at that. How unfuckable am I in my... I mean... And these are like... I would expect you to get those in your 60s. Look how thick the soles are.

I know. But you know what? They're great for my broken ankle. And when I do my 10,000 steps every day... It's funny. Listen, save it. Save what? I don't want to hear it.

Hear what? I don't know how this... I got my ankle. You need a valid to complain to. I'm going to have to listen to your fucking bullshit. All right. We got to wrap. You got to run.

You got to tell the audience you're going to run for the second part. Oh, yeah, guys. I got to take care of some kid stuff. You know how that goes. Appointments with kiddos. So Tom here is going to take care of the next segment. And I'll see you next time. And you can cast Christina P on tour.

Christina P online. That's right, home dog. Right now, my tour is on sale for 2023. And go to a very select... Unlike Tom who came everywhere, I only go to select fucking cities. You hear me? You heard?

I don't come everywhere. I only come to a few fucking places like Addison, Texas, Breastballs Beach, Chicago. I go to Roanert Park, California, Milwaukee, and Charlestown, West Virginia. There you go. Christina P online.com. Get your tickets.

Bye. Thank God, Christina is gone. We threw her out and we're sitting here with somebody so much more fun to look at. Kevin Smith, thank you for coming. I'll be honest with you. Well, I thank you kids. Thank you.

I was... Look, there's a number of things I want to talk about. Yeah. Number one, where is Piszczicki? She's taken to Piszczicki. Where is she? She literally just walked out because of kid stuff. She had to go get one of the kids.

All right. So it wasn't me. She wasn't like, who? No. Fucking not Kevin James. Kevin Smith. She actually, Christina actually tried to get today's entire schedule moved up so that she could be here with you.

I, for those at home that don't know, years ago I did a pilot for a TV show called Tonightly back when they were still giving white guys TV shows and stuff. They're like, let's try one out on this white guy. He's been around for a while. Silent Bob, but he talks. There's your hook. So they try that.

Jim Perretoy was the gentleman's name. He had made the Ellen show. He had created TMZ, so he had a track record. And TMZ wanted a companion piece. And so he wanted to do a show that we wound up calling Tonightly, which was like, you know, just an interview show. Kind of like, what's her name? Chelsea.

Yeah, Chelsea Heller. Likely, but in that fucking after, we'd curse, right? Fuck yeah. I was like, where am I? Fucking blacks are out of control. So yeah, we were doing, meant to do that, but he was like, we're going to try a bunch of different co-hosts with you. And one of the co-hosts was Christina P.

Who I really bothered to learn how to pronounce her last name. And then she like left my life because the show never happened. Do you know though, first of all, I'm so sad now that you're bringing this up that she's not here right now. Like how? I thought you'd be like, I'm so sad. She didn't get that show because we would have been rich because I was going to stop him and be like,

bitch, I just walked into this fucking facility. And that's the next thing I want to talk about. I've been podcasting since 2007. Where the fuck's my fucking money? What happened here? How like fucking popular are you and your wife? Because you got, you got to move to Texas. Money goes a lot further.

Is that what it is? That's definitely what it is. This is insane. I mean, I guess they can see it from, they could see this room, like the set, which is absolutely lovely. But for the viewer at home and the listener at home, I just came through a facility that looks like THX 1138. A giant fucking building.

It's a pretty wild thing. How did this happen? Who is your agent? First of all, first of all, I want to say this. This is why I'm so mad that she's not here right now. I remember so vividly, we were so poor. When that happened? When she was, went for the, and got the pilot or whatever.

They went to shoot the pilot and like, just there's just things in your memory, like in your life that you just, you so remember. And I remember that so like, she's like, I got like shooting this thing with Kevin Smith and like, there's some stuff I have to tell you off the air. The, no, no, fun stuff. For the listener.

I know you got your tits. My eyes went so high. No, no. No, it was just, instantly I was scrubbing my memory banks going, there's no way. No, no. It was just, but it was, you know, when,

she was lovely by the way. And funny. Yes, of course. She was just fantastic. But, but when you're just, you're just struggling to get by. And you get a little, you know, I mean, that's, those are the days where like, you get a commercial and you're just like,

dude, our year is going to change. Before you guys figured out how to like, grab ahold of your own fucking future. Yes. Yeah. Which is what I'm assuming happened here. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's been a, it's been.

How long has this been going on? We started this podcast in 2010. Okay. And it has had a number of. Incarnations. Yes. Different sets and different. But always you two.

There's always married comedians. Trying to make each other not laugh. Because they don't do comedy. Exactly. Exactly. I mean, and it also, you know, there's this really interesting thing that happened. And this is purely coincidence.

That you came up in a time where podcasting got popular and stand up had been gaining its popularity. And also the age of the internet. So that the two feed each other. So the podcast fed our stand up audience. Then we got Netflix specials, which. All right, don't gloss over that. No, but like they all.

Fucking they all. How does one get to that? It's one thing to be like we record our podcast and and more people start coming to our show. Yeah. You can't gloss over then the Netflix specials happen. How does one get there? Well, I mean, that's just like.

That, you know, we're, we're comedians first. We're stand-ups first. So we started stand-up in 02. Right. And we went through all, you know, I was on. Totally. But you've been stand-up in forever. Live at Gotham until when does Netflix come calling?

Like when they don't come calling. This is actually an interesting story. Good. I want to hear this in my head. I'm like this rich fuck Netflix just bent over and said, take all the money out of us and build a podcast empire. I'll tell you a fun. This is a kind of a fun insider story of stand-up.

I would love to hear. So the place to be for sure for the 2000s and into the 2010s. Is Comedy Central. And that's, I mean, that was like, if you remember, that was, that was like. Was it Tosh and stuff like that? And then half hour, you know, Comedy Central presents. That's where.

The half hour comedy. The half hour thing. That's where everybody broke. Mitch Hedberg had it. Dane had it. Atel had it. Everybody that like became a name and stand-up. It was all Comedy Central.

Comedy Central was just like the home of stand-up, stand-up, stand-up. And I did there a show called Live at Gotham, which was there. Like that was premium blend. And then I got a half hour special. Wait, Live at Gotham comedy club back in New York? Exactly. Copy. And then you got a half hour.

I got a half hour after that. Yeah. So that one came out in 2011. And they're like, it's going to change your career. Didn't do a fucking thing. Is that right? Didn't do a fucking thing. Did more people go to the live shows?

No. Didn't do anything. Didn't introduce you to a new audience? Not at all. So it's not like, hey, suddenly had the Comedy Central people. I made a couple of clubs. And they have been like, all right, we'll book them now. Because you know, they go, what are your credits?

Because they can put you on a thing. They always do credits. I've seen on Comedy Central. Comedy Central presents. Didn't do a fucking thing. So then I want to do an hour. So what I do is, since I have a relationship with Comedy Central, I tell them, I have this new hour.

I want you to come see it. So we booked this room in Burbank. We do, I run the hour for a packed audience. Right? It goes great. Next day, I'm like, you know, I call them. I'm like, what did they say? He's like, they said it's not really like a theme to it.

I was like, a theme? I mean, the theme is jokes. What do you mean theme? Like that was just their way. You know, like when somebody gives you notes on a script or whatever and you're like, the fuck are you talking? Like it's just a way of saying no. Right.

You just tell me no. Right. So they're like, no. So then we find a company that says they'll shoot it on spec. Right? Meaning. What's the company? What's the company?

At the time they're called New Wave. Comedy Dynamics. Yes. I know them. Okay. They did mine. They did the special that I did when I had my fucking heart attack and almost died.

There you go. So. Brian. Brian Volquess. Amazing guy. So he does the, for those. He's got a million of these. For those that don't connect the dots too.

Like he's big in the world of comedy specials. But he's also the guy who brings us the toys that made us on Netflix. Which is a really cool show. Fantastic fucking show. Very cool show. Sorry, we're back to you. So Brian and his company, they go, we'll shoot your hour without a bot. In other words, for people that like, that are listening that it means that

he's incurring the risk. Meaning like there's no buyer yet. He's going to pay for it. There's no buyer. He's taking a chance. That somebody, they'll find a home for this. Yeah. So he shoots it.

We send it again to Comedy Central. Because we still want to be on Comedy Central. And Comedy Central passes again. As do every, I didn't even know they sent it to everybody else. Like, oh, we sent it to HBO. I'm like, you sent it to HBO. At the time, HBO is like George Carlin, Chris Rock, Robin Williams. I'm like, why would you even send it to them?

And they're like, well, we just did. So they sent it to Showtime. He's like, everybody said no. This is 2013. Okay. Except for Netflix. I was like, Netflix. And they're like, yeah, Netflix said they would do it.

I'm like, that's where you mail DVDs, dude. And they're like, yeah, but they're switching to streaming. And I was like, this is a fucking failure, you know. So then they just tell me it'll air next year on Netflix. Dude, I don't even think twice about it. I just figured like, that's that. I remember it coming out. I remember it being like, you know, getting like some tweets.

I didn't even think about it again. And then like six months later, I would do a club and they're like, hey, you sold out the show tonight. And I wouldn't even understand. Well, at first I didn't put it together. Really? They're like, did you do press this week? And I was like, no, they're like, it's sold out.

And then it just kept happening. And then you realized like, it's fucking Netflix. Then I realized it was the Netflix special. And then that basically propelled me into another one. And at the same time that that's happening, the podcast audience keeps growing. So you guys are doing your mom's house at the same time? Oh, yeah.

Every week, never missing a week. Even if we're touring all like doing international days, we would bank, we would record shows in advance and make sure that they came out. And were you guys earning off the podcast? Like YouTube ads and they were fucking reading like, you know. The only thing we did to make money at first was, there used to be this thing called, it was the Amazon.

It was a banner you'd put on your podcast site. And if somebody's shopped through it, Amazon would give you like pennies on the dollar. So that was it. That was the only thing for like, let's say two years. So you were doing it for the love more than anything. Yeah, the goal was, I remember calling my dad and being like, you know, we had that

and we had like one or two other small sponsors. And I was like, hey, I think, I go, I think by next year, I can get this podcast to pay my rent. And he was like, really? I go, I think I could, I think I could pay rent next year by just doing the podcast. Right. And it just, you know, just kept building from there.

What year did you start? The podcast in 2010. And that was the first time you'd ever podcasted? I'd been a guest on a few, on a few. I've been, I was a guest on Rogan's. I was like on probably six of the first 30. Joe Rogan experiences. Because he was also like in his office on his couch.

Yeah, I remember. You know, I remember him being like, lean into the mic, man. I was like, oh, okay. I remember him hitting me up and going, flesh light. I was like, uh-huh. He goes, you, you've been working with them because we reached out to them, to them early on.

And like when I was doing podcasts in the beginning out, it was like podcasting is free. Then one day my business manager was like, you just got a server bill. And it was for a lot of money. And I was like, what the fuck is this? And it turns out that like podcasting is free for people who listen.

Not for you. Not for the guy who's hosting it. And the more people listen, the more expensive it got. So I remember we reverse engineered it. We were like, well, fuck man, I can't pay for this, but I want to keep podcasting. And I was like, what can we do? I was like, remember that movie, Quiz Show?

Like fucking Gerritall was the sponsor of 21. What if we got like one company to sponsor us and show? And Mosier was like, what, like Pampers or Wonder Bread? And I was like, no, man, I remember, remember like in Zach and Mary, after Zach and Mary came out, like I'd made a fleshlight joke in the movie. And they sent me a letter going like, we were so flattered that you mentioned us.

If you ever want to do a fleshlight, reach out to us and stuff. And I was like, what if we reach out to fleshlight and ask them to like be the sponsor of the fucking show? And so they were our sponsor for like two years. We sold so many fucking fleshlights. And then one day Joe called me up and he just started the podcast. I guess he was in the first 30 at that point.

And he was like, what do you think about fleshlight? Are they real? And I was like, yeah, they're very real, man. Like they fucking, they've sponsored us for the last like almost two years or whatever. And so he was like, should I use them as a sponsor? And I was like, yeah, it's a fuck toy, man. That's awesome.

You can make a thousand jokes about it. Sure. It's content. And now he's a fucking billionaire. What have I done wrong? What do you mean? You're fucking Kevin Smith. I really, I'm sitting here reconsidering

my entire fucking life going like, I was at podcasting. I was there in 2007. I was there. It was in the beginning. It was me, Leo Laporte, who did this week in tech, fucking Adam Curry from MTV. And Ricky Gervais is not really doing a podcast but doing a radio show that they call the podcast.

Sure. So I was there before Joe, before Adam, before fucking Nerdist, Marin. I watched everybody come in. I watched everybody get rich. And this was my thing. I thought I was so smart because I was like, oh, if I do these free podcasts, people listen to them

and they'll buy tickets when I go do shows in their cities. And that model made me feel like I cracked the fucking code. Because they do. Yeah. But like, this is, look at this shit. Well, wait a minute. You have a fucking fake fireplace here. I know, I know.

Who's paying for this? That's crazy. Fucking nuts. Well, wait, what about, you have ads. We do do ads. Okay. So about how many, and you have multiple podcasts. Yeah, but I didn't figure out ads until like way later and stuff.

And also I always co-host them with a bunch of people and I'm always like, oh, you take the money. I don't care. Again, we're talking about like how things, I have never, I can remember how hard I laughed, watching clerks for the first time. Don't you switch an interview mode on me, Tom. No, listen to me.

Don't you do it. We're just having a good time talking about you. And now you're like, I've been talking about me too long. It's okay to talk about you on your show. Dirty comic. What you've done is amazing here. I like. And I want to know where the money comes from.

Here's the thing. It's more money than you think. No shit, dude. No shit. But I walked in and I was like, if this is the money I'm seeing, what are they taking home? Nah, it's fucking stupid. How many kids you got to?

Did you say it's fucking stupid? Well, you know what? It's really stupid is touring money. What do you mean? That's that's really wonderful. Yeah. I see. All right.

I'm on a tour right now, right? And I have been since September. I got a movie, clerks three. I learned early on that, you know, I just fill a fucking room, right? Yeah. So you can tell a story and you're going to hold court. Yeah.

But you know, I realized early on too, like, oh, they'll pay 50 bucks to come see me. Just talk about making movies. What if I bring a movie? And then all that money goes to the movie instead. So on this tour, like I'm doing 52 dates. What? 52 dates.

Where you'll screen the film. I get up, I intro, screen the flick, and then do a Q&A afterwards that's longer than the movie. So it's a whole like a three hour plus of it. Yeah, easily. It's like a four hour night. And then five, if you include the VIPs, there are 100 people every night to VIP.

And you're hustling, dude. You're not kidding. Dude, I work. Like there's people like you're everywhere. It ain't because like I like myself is because I'm hustling. Like I don't have this fucking. I respect that. I don't have the your mom's house fucking money

that you guys are just wasting on fake fireplaces. Unbelievable. You just see the kids, the parking, the copious amounts of ample parking. I mean, that's like living Austin. That makes sense. When did you guys come down here? Year and a half.

We just got here. By the way, this would have cost me 30 million in LA. What does it cost you here? Fucking not that much. So I go on tour and I said in this tour, I will split the money four ways with people who aren't even on the tour. Who are they? The boys who make up the cast,

Brian O'Hall and Jeff Anderson. You take care of the cast. 00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:23,560 All right. And Jason Muse. They helped make it happen. Bingo. So in that instance, it's fucking copious.

But generally, yes, touring money is fucking amazing. But I keep wanting to tour the movie. Do you know what I did, dude? I just did this. And I get inspiration, honestly, from directors and people that take chances and encourage. I told Quentin this because I heard him say this and I've heard you say this even more so,

which is that when you tell people, like, go fucking make shit, man. Like you can just, you know, you made clerks for like 30 grand or whatever. 27, 5, 70, 5. How the fuck do you do this? In 1993, bitch. And by the way, just so I get this straight, like when you do that,

I mean, obviously people must be like, well, yeah, people do that. You're a fucking crazy person. Good luck. You know, I mean, nowadays it seems crazier because they're like, you spent how much? What'd you do with all the money?

You could literally make a feature. Don't tell me that. I'm about to tell you something that's going to fucking make you weep. So wait, wait, though. So you, you take, you take this thing. Yeah. Like when you first show it,

because like I remember hearing about it. And like I said, by the time you heard about it, it had been picked up. It had been picked up. And I'm crying, laughing at the dialogue. It's so funny and like, and you know, part of the thing that's so like refreshing and fun about the film when you,

when like when I first saw it, is that it's unlike the dialogue you hear in movies, right? And you're like, oh, yeah, this guy got to make his own movie because you go to a studio movie at the time. You're not going to see that dialogue. You're going to see that story. I'm going to talk about fucking snowball.

You're having a compromise by how you shoot it, but like the movie is so original and fresh. But when you show it to somebody right after that, right, what is the risk? Like what's the reception? The first time we showed it publicly was at a thing called the independent feature film market, which was run out of the Angelica Film Center up in New York.

It was a marketplace, not a film festival. So you pay for a slot and you try to pack it with as many potential distributors, exhibitors, whoever can help it move the needle forward. Hopefully somebody to buy it. So I had read an article about Richard Linklater having done that with Slacker. And Slacker was the movie that I saw shot right here

in Austin, Texas, spiritual home to my filmmaking career because Slacker was made here. I went and saw Richard Linklater Slacker at the Angelica Film Center, and I viewed it with a mixture of awe and arrogance. Awe because I was like, I've never seen anything like this before. Arrogance because I was like, if this counts as a movie,

I think I could make a movie too. Having no experience or anything like that. So when I make the flick, the only plan I have is not Sundance because that's where movies in color with movie stars go. The most famous Sundance movie at that point was Sex, Lies and Videotape. It was shot in color and had Andy McDowell in it.

So that festival was never in the cards for me, although that would be the festival that would change my life. I was just going to this marketplace because that's what Richard Linklater did. So the first screening we had was on October 3rd at 11 a.m. 1993. Me and Scott Moser, my producer, had gone to a bunch of other screenings during the week

and they're all fucking packed. I mean, we sat on the floor to watch this movie, the making of, and God spoke. There was a movie called Clean Shaven by Lodge Kerrigan which was a real festival hit. That was fucking packed. So we thought our screening's going to be packed. And the whole time I was like,

they must know that clerk's quality because they put us on Sunday at 11 a.m. after everything's fucking done, man, the day off. That's got to be a prime spot. Turns out it's the absolute worst spot. Nobody goes to the IFFM on a fucking Sunday. So our screening was me, Scott Moser, my producer, Brian, Jeff, Marilyn, Lisa who were in the movie,

my friend Ed, Dave Klein who shot the movie, Kristen Moser, Scott's sister, and that was about it. Basically people that worked on the movie. That was it. And two other people, there was one, well, here, let me, there's two people, there's a couple, then there's a man by himself sitting up in the front row and then there was a lady who I didn't see

where she was sitting but she's who I dealt with after the screening. When I go into that screening, I'm expecting full house. When I walk in and see nobody, that is the end of my future. Like, you know, at this point, I'm cruising on the volition of passion, getting clerks made. I have no money. I come from a poor family and shit like that.

Still spitting glue, pulling it together and whatnot. And this was meant to be the place where it's like, bam, this is where it happened. You graduate and all your dreams come true. And I walked into that screening and had to sit there for the first 15 minutes watching this movie and judging it for the first time. I'm like, oh my God, it looks like it was shot

through a fucking glass of milk. It's so fucking murky. And like, also, why does everyone keep cursing? Like, everyone keeps cursing. It's just so fucking unbelievable. I thought that I could pull this off. I was like, I'm going to be in debt for the rest of my fucking life.

This is the worst fucking idea. In about 15 minutes into the screening, I was able to cognitively reframe it. Where I was like, you know what? If you went to NYU film school, it would have been 40 grand for one year. You only spent 27 grand. You know how to make a movie now.

So this money, yes, that sucks, but you got a job. You just have to get another job and you pay it off because I put it all on credit cards and shit. I was like, make sure you do that. And then when you pay it off, you have to promise that you'll do this one more time before you die because you loved who you were when you were making this movie. You knew for the exact, for the first time,

exactly who you were supposed to be. So don't sell out on this just because it didn't fucking work and your dream didn't come true. So that was the very first screening of Clark's. When it was over, Scott Mosier talked to some guy, an older man who had a badge that didn't indicate he was from New Line or Miramax or whatever.

I was pulled aside by this girl who goes, is very like New York, downtown New York. She was like, you made this movie? I was like, yeah. She goes, you know people like the people in this movie? And I was one of them and surrounded by them in the cast. And I was like, I guess a little. And she goes, I have this theory that all the Nazis

who ever died are reincarnated and that's what populates New Jersey. Whoa. And I was like, oh, all right. And she goes, well, I guess I'll give you my head shot. And she gave me your fucking head shot. That was the first reaction that I had to fucking Clark's. That's memorable.

Scott Mosier talked to Bob Hawk, who was like, you should submit this to Sundance. He was like, I work with Sundance. This is a total Sundance movie. You should think about submitting to Sundance. But we didn't know who he was and what he mattered to Sundance. So it was just sounding like an old guy saying,

you should do a thing. And I'm fucking walking away. So that whole day, there was a good 24 hours of me going, I made this thing and I didn't consider the consequences until now. And here are the consequences. Like the road is dead and nothing's going to happen. I'm going to watch this movie once a year on a VHS copy,

just to remember the worst decision I ever fucking made and shit. And then the next morning, I got a phone call from this woman named Amy Talbin, who wrote for The Village Voice. And I had her article that was framed on my wall. And it was about Richard Linklater and how he had played at the Angelica at the IFFM. So she calls up and she's like, I'm looking for Kevin Smith.

I was like, who's this? And she's this Amy Talbin. I was like, come on, man, don't fucking do this to me. She's the way you talk about it. I was like, who told you to call Brian Johnson? Somebody put you up to this? I thought it was one of my friends making a prank phone call and shit.

Because I was like, who else would know the exact fucking name that would make me go like, what? I thought they were trying to pull one over on me. And she was like, this is so disturbing. I've never had somebody debate me on who I am. And she was like, I was like, you're really Amy Talbin. She goes, yeah, I called the number in the catalog, in the IFFM catalog, your father answered,

because it was my home phone number. And he said that he couldn't believe somebody was interested in the son's movie and he gave me this number to call you. I can't believe you want to. That's my dad. He's just like, what? Somebody likes my son's movie?

For sure. So I was like, if this is really Amy Talbin, I got an article that you wrote hanging right next to me. I'm looking at it right now, Reels and Deals and shit. And she's like, oh, this is going to be the easiest interview you've ever done. I was like, this is going to be the first interview I've ever done. And she was like, I want to talk to you about the movie.

Can you get me a copy? I heard it was the undiscovered gem of the marketplace. There was a call that came five minutes after that. There was a guy named Larry Kardish who ran New Directors, New Films, which is the sister film festival to the New York Film Festival. You could only play it once.

He was like, I hear this movie is a movie that I must see. And I was like, who told you this? He's like, I'm not out of liberty to say. That guy programmed the movie. We played at New Directors, New Films, and they program a short before your film. And the short also has to be a first time feature, a first short film.

So Clerks had a short that played before it that was called Ice Cream. Do you know who directed it? Louis CK. Bang. I've seen Ice Cream. I've seen Ice Cream. He was also the same screening slot.

That's the first time I ever saw him. So the third call I got was Peter Broderick who wrote for Filmmaker Magazine. He'd written an article that we use because people didn't tell their budgets back then. It wasn't like the internet where you could find anything out. There was no fucking internet. So nobody talked about their budgets.

You didn't know how much a fucking thing cost because everybody then wanted to sell their movie for more so they didn't want to tell you how much it cost. So it's tough to get information. Filmmaker had published an article on three movies in their budgets. The Laws of Gravity by Nick Gomez, Gregorakis, The Living End, and a movie called Together Alone,

the director of which I always forget. It broke down what everything cost. That was useful information. For the first time it was like, okay, renting a camera should cost roughly this. Film stock should cost roughly this. This was all information that wasn't readily available but the difference between making a thing

and not making a thing. If we'd waited 10 minutes, YouTube would have happened and fucking everybody could make a fucking thing. This was back when you were like, we got to rent a 16mm camera in order to make a movie. So in the beginning it was very like, you know, the first screening of the movie was a disaster but within 24 hours of that first screening

all these calls started happening. That guy Peter Broderick, he called up to be like, I want to use your movie in this year's piece in the magazine, the same piece that we used to budget our movie. Who told you about this movie? Nobody was there. By the time I see it, meaning I don't remember exactly. Sundance.

You see it post-sundance, probably 94, 95. Like your world has changed at that point, right? Yes and no. I'm the flavor of what I thought would be the month but it was definitely a fucking year of people being like, hey, this fucking movie. Movie travel from January 94 went to a bunch of festivals and then came out theatrically in October of 94.

So I enjoyed almost a full year of the festival circuit and stuff. When the movie came out, it was a true art house movie, only played in the cities, open New York and LA, never played on more than 50 screens total at any given time. But it goes huge on video? That's where a lot of people discover it. So like in theaters I had the critics

and highbrow audiences and stuff, city audiences. When it went to home video, that's when it found its real audience. It's real audience. By that point, we were working on mall rats and we had a screening of mall rats at San Diego Comic Con 1995 and Jay and Silent Bob came out on screen and the audience went nuts. And I was like, how the fuck did they know?

And it was because Clerks was on home video by that point. So enough people were like, oh, I know those fucking guys from the other movie. And that's a feeling I've been chasing ever since. Like every night we go out on this tour, there's seven stops left, right? I got a show here tonight, then I go to some other fucking test. San Antonio, then I go to Phoenix in a week

and then Boston and Hartford, then we're done. So 52, right now it's been 49 or 48 times that we've shown the fucking flick. Every night, it's like going to a church where the congregation believes that I'm both the priest and Jesus at the same time. That's pretty rad, dude. It is un-fucking- I don't know if this is a,

is the term Jerry-rigged racially insensitive? I don't, let's go for it. So Jerry-rigged. It's a very Jerry-rigged system. Like I realized early on, the game is too expensive. I'm a guy that makes movies very inexpensively. Marketing costs 20 million. Doesn't matter if your movie costs 100,000 or 100 million.

Minimum marketing of a movie, getting into theaters is 20 million bucks. When you're guys struggling to keep the budget down for 5 million, then they just throw 20 million on marketing. It's just for pugnant. You're like, it's fucking disgusting. I could have used that money to make a better movie, pay people, all these people and I'm like, please do it for nothing. I can have a facility that looks like this fucking place.

Do you want to fucking make fun of me? Ready? Okay. You're going to laugh at me. You may- I ain't never making fun of you again. I mean, I never did, but I'm fucking you. You're pure to me as the smartest man in the business right now.

No, no, no. Based on the doors I walk. Clerks was made for 27,575. Earlier this year. You made a feature? No. No. I call my friend Rami and I'm like, Rami Hishash, great dude, director,

and we'd work together. We shot this music video together once. He directed one of my specials. Right. I sent him a short- I like short films, right? So I wrote a short film. I go, I think I want to make-

You want to do this? I have a break in my tour coming up. And I go, it's either this one or this one. I send him a couple. And then I'm like, actually maybe this one. And then I just send him a bank of them. I have a bunch. And what do you think?

And he goes, why don't we pick three? And if I can get the schedule right, we could shoot these like three short films over the course of like 10, 11 days, which is exactly the break that I have. So I'm like, wow. Well, at that point, I think we got to make it like a show. In other words, almost like, you know, like old Twilight Zone, you know, where like a host is like, you know, and he throws to like an anthology.

Right. So we kind of lean into that concept. We shoot three completely separate short film, completely different stories. And then I fly back another day and I do a soundstage day where I introduce the show. This is all just proof. I mean, I don't have like a deal or anything. I just prove a concept.

Shoot these seasons. 1.2 million. What the fuck? How? What? Yes. And they still give you all this money. Yeah, dude.

What? Who is your agent and can that agent be my agent? Yes. Who is your agent? Which one? You got that many. Yeah, I got a few. Smart guy's got a lot of agents.

Good God. Really? Yeah. I wrote out of pocket, man. Like I... You paid for it? I paid for the whole thing. 1.2 million.

Yes. You just told that story in public. Yeah. Like where you're like, oh, I accidentally paid 1.2 million for a thing out of pocket change. Well, how fucking rich are you guys? I'm not that rich, but... Dude, I can't do that. I made Clark's I've been in business 30 years.

A friend of mine is like, I need $300,000 for a movie. I'm like, good luck. I don't know. I'm looking for money too. Where you tell me when you find something. You know what's crazy? You're like, hold on. Here's the crazy...

Here, Rami. 1.2. Here's the crazy... For 10 minutes of film. We had an extensive conversation about what I wanted to spend on this thing. Right. And it is less than half of that. It was agreed upon.

And then one day I was like, this is not what we talked about. It's way more. I'm going to get to know you, man. You're fucking sucker. I'm going to get a lot of money. Yeah, I think you probably could. I think you probably could. Hey, man, let me ask you a question.

So this is something that happened to me the other day on the internet. Let me get your take on it. So I went and saw Black Panther. Wakanda forever. Is it all black again? Or is it like a little more? I was seriously going like, is it? Is it?

Yeah. Let's try to answer that question seriously. It's pretty black. Wonderful movie and stuff. So I'm a pretty emotional guy. Always have been hard on a sleeve kind of guy. Post-heart attack, even more so. Yeah.

And by the way, I know this story's been out there, but you look fantastic. Thank you. Trying to stay alive. Body, body, got smart. The heart got cute with me and I had to fucking smack it down. But you're really taking care of yourself and... I walk a lot and I went vegan and I... And just real quick, how much are you down from?

My biggest, I was 330. Like I remember at one point I was like, I weigh my area code, which is 323, and then I gained a little more weight. So my biggest was 330 and now I'm 190 right now. Wow. Which is my absolute adult thinness. That's kind of what I weighed like when I graduated. I mean, you look great.

Thank you. It means the world. I was kind of hoping to show it off to Christina P because if I could take her away, I could have half of this. You get this. So anyway, the heart attack, post heart attack, I got even softer. I've always been a soft boy. Sure.

You a soft boy or you a hard guy? No, no, I'm very soft. Yes. But I try to... To come across as hard? Yeah. Yeah. I cry all the time, dude.

Yeah, I love it. I'm big into crying, man. I think it's cathartic and fucking like, especially if it's for good reason. Like I've cried throughout my life for horrible fucking reasons and it's terrible. But like when you're watching a movie and it's like, oh, and there's a moment in Black Panther and credit sequence. I mean, a lot of it's emotional because Chadwick Boseman died and shit. And then that's woven into the story.

And so there's a moment and like, you know, they do their mid credit sequence, you know, where they like a little scene lit thing. And it was crazy powerful. So good and so emotionally satisfying that they could have literally just put that scene out as the whole movie charge and be double of what they're charging right now. And I would have been like, that was the best fucking picture I saw. You end a movie, right? Yeah.

Don't matter what the fuck you did in the first hour. You could fuck up left and right, man. As long as you stick the landing, you'll always win people. So I, a long time ago, started taking pictures of myself when I'm crying and posting them. Don't laugh yet. I see the smile coming up. Now remember, I've called you a smart guy for all this. I know, I know.

I don't mind you coming down to harm me. So there's a reason I'll get to it. So I did it once and a lot of people responded very positively to it. Some people were very unnerved by it. Like, you're a grown man. What are you doing? I think I cried like Captain Marvel or some shit. Like, what is this all about?

Well, maybe you're smoking too much weed shit like that. So it's kind of a tradition. I do it all the time and it's become so stereotypical that like, I posted a picture the other day from Wakanda Forever. Some tweet was just like, this has to be a Kevin Smith parody account because this is too on point to even be Kevin Smith, but it was Kevin Smith. So it's got like 30,000 likes. But 24 hours straight, I trended and people were just

lacerating me, man. Just shredding the fuck out of me. Wait, because you're crying or because you posted that you're crying? Both, both. Number one, they get upset that I even cried at what they call kids. Can we see it? You pull it up? Please don't.

There it is. Not fucking terrible. No. And look what I wrote, man. Just saw Black Panther. Jesus, that mid-credits scene worth the price of admission alone. That's it. Controversial.

Is that me going, you know what? Trump was right. Is that me going, I got thoughts about the Jews just like Kanye. This is the least controversial fucking thing you could put up on the internet. And the amount of ass fucking I got out of it and dry ass fucking done. Not the pleasant kind. Was unfucking fathomable. It's a nice tribute.

This is the point where I was like, I'm done with fucking Twitter. Like, fuck this noise. You can't put up a simple fucking like, hey, man, I like this movie and I got crying. Now, it's one thing. I saw two factions. Some people go and like, let him alone. He wants to cry at a movie. And then some people be like, look, if he wants to cry at a movie, that's fine.

Why the fuck is he taking a picture of it and posting online? So here's an answer. And when I didn't fucking put online shit, because for the longest time I was like, fuck everybody. I don't deserve a fucking response. We're answering your questions now. Tell us. Here it is.

First time I ever posted a picture of myself crying. Fuck it. I went to the next comic kind. I was that kid came up to me and was like, I love that picture you put up of yourself crying. And I was like, oh my God, I'm a little embarrassed I did. He's like, don't be. He's gone.

I cry at movies. I get beat the shit out of by my friends. He's gone. I put up that picture. I showed my friends that you fucking do it too. I get beat up a little bit fucking less. He's gone, but you wouldn't want to be around them. They'll probably beat the shit out of you next.

And he was like, you made life easier. At that point, I was like, if I could fucking, if that picture makes a motherfucker's life easier. Yeah. It's worth the hit. Like it's worth fucking a bunch of people saying some shit. And I know for a fact it does. Like the response is very positive. There are a lot of people like I feel the same fucking way, but there are an unfathomable

amount of just fucking cold people who are like not comfortable with their own emotions. It's not good, man. It's not good for them. I mean, I feel bad. I know they feel bad for me. They're like, you're a fuck. There's some chick named that Star Wars girl or something like that. And she wrote this fucking screen.

She was like, you're always doing this. And she ended with be a man. And I was like, what the fuck? I would struggle in my whole life not to be a man. Growing up fucking a teenager. Not to be the version of a man we thought we're supposed to be. Exactly. The man that she was suggesting that I'd be.

Like our dad's generation. Who didn't fucking cry. No. Although my father cried. That's why I can cry at shit, man. Because my father used to take me to the movies all the time. And he would cry? He would cry.

He cried. The first time I ever saw my father cry was in a movie theater. He took me to see Raging Bull. You know, in the 70s, fuck, we all love Rocky and shit. So when Raging Bull came around, my dad was like, oh, there's another boxing movie. I don't know if you've ever seen Raging Bull. But it's nothing like fucking Rocky.

No. There's a whole like, did you fuck my wife? That never happened in Rocky. He had to explain that to me and shit. But any of that, we're watching the movie. And I was like, I remember my first reaction, ironic for the guy that made clerks. I was like, this shit's in black and white.

So I already hated the movie to begin with. And I was born in a certain boy. It would bother us so much as kids. Black and white. This is so old timey. Subtitles, you're like, the fuck? Did I watch something with subtitles? At a certain point, I was getting ready to like,

ask my dad for like money to go play a video game in the lobby. And I look over and he's not just, he's not rolling a dignified tear. My father is sobbing. Sobbing. The movie like grabs him so emotionally and shit like that. And he's like roiling. His body is moving from crying.

And I've been to funerals with my old man. I watched him bury his parents. And I never saw him fucking so much as roll a tear. And there he was like fucking just letting go in the movie theater. And it's like, it's not like he was a boxer. I didn't know what the fuck he was identifying with. But like something in there reached into him. And it was tacit approval at a young age.

It's like, this is a grown ass man. My father was a manly man. And here he is like crying. It's a made up fake pretend bullshit. That left a seed in me early on, man, where I leaned more toward the make pretend and the fucking arts. And if something can make you fucking feel. I want that.

Give me it and fucking spades that people pay you for that shit. I want that so much. And the older I've gotten, the more emotional I get, the more I embrace it. The more I smoke at all, you stoner at all. No, I mean, I used to smoke a lot more. I'd say, I like that. That's why you rich.

You just put that aside. You're like, I left all that child of shit behind and focused on business. A little bit. I start cutting people out. You're making too much money. You're making too much money. My name's on the show.

Edibles. It's a few edibles. Go fuck with that. Little light ones, mild ones. But but I did. I like what you think. You like the comedy. You like going out and being funny and is that your jam?

Does it for you like that's what gets you off other than like being married and shit? Like being on a stage, making my fuckers laugh. Oh, there's nothing like it. How long have you been doing it? Staying up 20 years. But how long have you been doing it? How long have you been making fuckers laugh since you were a kid?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. We moved a lot. I was always moving. I was always in a new school. So you had to be like Charm City. Oh, always. Fucking hey, look at the roots of your comedy.

At least it ain't like sad. No, and it wasn't sad. But I got beat, so I had to be funny. I got jumped a couple of times when I was young. Don't try to make it sad. It was all good. But you know. So look at you.

You're trying to bring down the shot on all this money. Like, well, I was a little street. No, no. I got my ass kicked. We started in Cincinnati. We moved to Minneapolis. That was the first time I got beat up at recess was Minneapolis. Minneapolis?

Yeah. What for? What was your crime? Just being a new kid, dude. Is that right? Three kids came around. You're suspect. Boom.

Punch me in the stomach, need me. You're going to get funny out quick enough. I was like, I didn't even understand what's happening. You know that? Is that right? I didn't understand what's happening. Everyone I had befriended before, everybody was nice. I'd never had like.

And here you are. Where are you? Minneapolis? The home of Minnesota nice. Minnesota nice. Like welcome to town. Yeah. I was in like a suburban, you know, just like didn't expect it.

I mean, and then the worst was that, you know, at that age, it's fifth grade. So we're 10 years old is that they, the teachers find out and, and then they like tell our parents and then they made us get together. At his house. To kind of like patch things up. Yeah, it was so terrible. He hit me.

Yeah. I was like, I don't want to be here. I don't want to patch anything up. I remember they have like this little like very small smoke filled place that I was just sitting like this haze of smoke and they were like, hey, like it's like, now I know why your son beats people up. Yeah, your son's a dick because of you guys. Wait, where else?

What other white places did you grow? Milwaukee. Where did you, why do they keep moving you around? It was the same company and then. What did he do? He was, he, my dad was working in finance, but he was like, with the same company, but getting moved within the company. So it was like, first he was in a certain position,

then he went into management sale. So I watched him, you know, move. And that in those moves up the ladder, moved him around the country. Moved him around. Then we finally, finally settled in Vero Beach, Florida, which is a couple hours north of Miami. You're a Florida kid? That's where I went.

That's where I moved there in the middle of freshman year of high school. So we moved from Milwaukee. That's so late in the fucking game. It's the worst move of all. You don't want to move during high school. It sucks. What was it like being in Florida? I hated it.

I mean, I, no, I can't say I hated it. I hated that we moved in the middle of freshman year at high school when I had just feel like I, you know, everything is your social circle when you're a kid. Fuck yeah. That's all you got. So we moved to Milwaukee and I got to go there for seventh grade, eighth grade, ninth grade starts.

And now you finally feel like, all right, I got my. You got some roots. I got, yeah, these are my guys. This is my friends. I know where Bronze Fonz is. This is my town. Split. So that one was the roughest.

And, and we went, we moved to a very small, like, you know, Milwaukee is not, is a, we were in the suburbs of Milwaukee, but we moved to a beach town. So we moved to like the. And you'd never been by the water before? Never been like by anything like it. And it's its own. Culture.

Yeah. That's a very, it's like, there's certain places you go, you know, society tours so much. There's places you go. You're like, oh, this is its own thing. Yeah. And you're very clearly not of them when you were like, they can tell and you can tell.

And that feeling never really goes away. You're just like, I'm not a Floridian. I'm not a beach community person. Were you there all through high school? Yes. Four years? Four years. And I, and I did make some great friends,

some people I'm still friends with, but I never felt like, oh, I'm home, you know. So where, so if somebody was like, where'd you grow up and you had to pick an answer? I usually would want to wrap up the conversation. No, I would say Florida, just because it's the last place and my parents were still, we live in Florida, you know, but I would, you know, it's like, most of the time you're

meeting someone, you don't want to go like, well, I was actually born in Cincinnati and I, you know, you should tell them. I loved, you know, I loved the sound of my voice. So I'm like, oh, you don't know my story? Yeah, you tell them the story. Do you know I made clerks and it cost $27,575. Yeah.

I mean, I still, you know, I still have a certain fondness for it because there's things you like and things you don't like, but I felt like that move was rough, man. That was a rough move. Just emotionally, I don't think I dealt with it very well. Have you ever played the Pabst? In Milwaukee? Yeah.

Is it like, there's their sense of like, hey, man, fucking. It's an awesome venue. I love that venue, but for you being a guy that lived. It was cool because when I, it was my last place. Did you see shit there when you lived there? Not so much, but kids that I went to high school with that I hadn't seen in 30 years came to the show.

Came to the show? Yeah. They were like in my class when I left and they came to the show. Have you ever done a show in Minneapolis? And have you ever run into a kid that fucking hit you? No, I did go to do a show in Minneapolis where my next door neighbor came to the show

and that was cool. That's kind of dope. He was, you know, he, he ended up working in like music and memorabilia. And that's who he was as a kid, which was kind of cool. Like we were, we were kids. He was one year older than me. And you know, I'm into like, I don't know,

I feel like very kid stuff. And he was like, have you seen breakfast club? And I'm like, are you fucking 11 years old? Like you're talking about, like he's like, he talked about Judd Nelson's performance. I'm like, you're 11. And this is how you talk about it. So he's that advanced.

He was like advanced. He was the IMDB before it existed. He was, dude. He was like, do you listen to the Smiths and shit? And I was like, no. He's cultured. He was like cultured about like an 11. And he ended up, you know, at one point,

like he was like managing a band and running. I was like, oh, this is, this is who you were at 11. This is wild. This all makes sense, you know. So it was fun to see like people like that come to your shows. But you know. How often do you tour? Do you have a tour with Christina?

No, we did that early on. But who would open for who? It wasn't even like we would have an opener and we just do set. Because you don't want to do it at the same time. You just like take turns. But yeah, I think once you actually end up selling tickets, you don't want to usually do the same ticket because you can each do the market.

You know what I mean? That makes sense. So you each go. Also like the more like powerful and popular you guys got then you could be like, like in the early days and be like, hey, man, we're lucky we need help now. It's like, yeah. Fuck him.

Why would we give him? I've just done the stupidest, most aggressive tour in history. Which one? The one that I'm still on right now. How long? It started in August of 21. And we are, it ends in May of 23. And how many shows is that total?

Well, I don't know what it ends up being. I know that. And when you say tour, it's just you're doing the set, the same set. Well, yeah. I mean, different, you know, it grows and everything, but we're over 250 shows. Did you ever figure out what you're like, did you need a theme?

Remember that like, what's the theme? No. And that, and that, and by the way, when, so Netflix acquired that, that special with no theme, and then it ended up being a game changer for me, you know, like I ended up becoming a ticket seller. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you ever do a theme after that? Never. So it's just always like, it's always just what I'm like, here's the set. Yeah. Just just a series of bits. Why, why won't the tour end? I, I mean, my, you know, there's different reasons.

One of them is that I didn't work during the pandemic. I think I got scared. Right. And when I, You didn't do any like drive-in shows? I did a couple, but not a lot. Did you go to the, was the improv in, well, I forget where it was.

There's a, oh, you're, but you guys been out here. Were you out here for the pandemic? No, well. Were you in LA? We're in LA. So there's that Irvine improv. They were doing like an outdoor parking deck. Oh yeah.

I did a couple of things. I did a couple, a downtown LA. I did like a rooftop parking deck in downtown LA. I did, I did some shows like that. Then there were cities that were like, we don't give a fuck about anything. Like Oklahoma city was like, come on, do a show indoors right here. So you just go like a mid-tier show there.

You know, obviously Florida was like, what are you talking about? You can do a show anywhere. Like we did a cup, but I mean, I waited, I waited like seven, eight months. But still when they started going like, you need to start booking things for next year. I just loaded it up.

I just took everything that came in and I decided to build this great big tour. But it's too big. It was too, I mean, it's just too many dates, too many shows. Is there such a thing? I mean, I was, I've been gone so much to an extent. What is the unhappy part? Just gone too much.

It was too, it really is too much. George Carlin, right. He said in his book, where he said also like an interview is like, this job would be perfect if they would just all come to my house. That's the, that's the truth. He was like, unfortunately, I got to go out to them and he's like, and that's why they give me the money. That's why you get paid.

How great was it awesome for you to work with him? Amazing. He was, you know, he was everything you wanted to be plus more. You know, you remind me that I'm just saying this because like fucking I'm on your show or whatever. But you remind me of him in as much as he was a comic that didn't feel the need to make you laugh. He wasn't on all the time.

Oh, definitely not. Not at all. You could have conversations with him. So you could just sit there. Like he would have fucking flourished in the age of the podcast. For sure. Because everyone knew his like fucking routines, but like he was just a talker.

Like he was a guy that could just sit there and hold court and stuff. So yeah, he like. And you know this, by the way, but you helped make part of his dream come true in that Carlin's dream dream was to be an actor. Yes, I do. He wanted to be an actor. Yeah, he wanted to be Danny Kay.

He wanted to be a song and dance man. So he loved getting to work. That's why we worked very well together. That's pretty cool. It was. I always thought like I got so much out of him even before I met him. Like my father gave me Carlin albums when I was a kid. That was like the version of like you can handle this beer.

He gave me like a class clown. He was like, do not let your mother hear you listen to this. Listen to it with headphones on and shit. And Carlin just made me smarter as a kid. You know, if you're listening to Carlin, you're introduced to concepts and language that are above your depth. And you have to, if you want to keep up, you have to look up things and become smarter to be, you know.

So that also fostered probably more intelligence I would have had if I didn't listen to Carlin. So, and then also me, like I didn't want to like, I didn't think about being on stage. Like that wasn't in my cards. That happened because when you bring a movie to a festival, afterwards you got to get up and do Q and A. And I felt fake coming across erudite.

I'd only ever made one movie, so I couldn't hold forth on like film theory. But what I could do is tell entertaining stories about how we made the movie. Like, let me tell you how we got the cat to shit on Q, you know, and fucking work it essentially like a little stand up bit, you know, tell an anecdote. I've seen clips of you doing is just like watching a stand up.

And that I learned from George, like not from George at his knee, just watching George growing up, a lot of stand ups, but mostly he was my favorite. And the idea was if somebody's gonna put a microphone in your hand, like don't fucking be stayed, just make them laugh. Like you got a chance to entertain them and stuff like that.

They'll remember you more if you tell them like how you got the cat to shit on Q than if you talk about your film theory and why you shot the aspect ratio you did and stuff. Oh, yeah. Because I'm like, I'm brand new at the thing. So because of that, like I wound up in front of audiences and I just followed his fucking lead.

And so couldn't pay that guy back for all he'd, he didn't know that he gave me or all I took from him, from his example. Like as a young kid, I remember watching Karlin and Carnegie and being like, wouldn't that be amazing? Like to grow up and be smart and curse all you want. Yeah. Like, and he sounded intelligent

even when he was cursing my parents who hated cursing, let him curse on HBO. They didn't like turn it down. They would laugh along. They were into it him. They respected. So how do you pay that guy back? You give him the only thing you ever wanted.

He loved to act. He loved it. So I'd call him up and be like, yeah, let's do it. And he'd come fucking playing. He treated it so seriously, man. He, I've told the stories the only times we were doing Jersey girl and one rehearsals, right? It's just me and him and Ben Affleck and Ben's

pouring some morning coffee and George is like flattening his script. And he's just like, Kevin, I have a question for you. He's the author of this piece. And I was like, okay. And he goes, the character Greeny that I'm always giving shit to as Steven Root played this character Greeny. He's like, I'm always stepping on his dick and up his ass.

And it makes no sense. He doesn't, he's his sweet guy. And I, he's never done anything in the movie to warrant this kind of treatment. So I was always bumping into it. But last night I figured it out. I wrote a backstory for my character. I figured out why I'm always irritated with Greeny.

It has something to do with a girl that we got a mutual hand job from back in high school. He's going, so I wrote 18 pages of backstory. And I was like, 18. He goes, don't you worry about it. I've already memorized it. I've thrown it out. I will never reference it in the dialogue.

But just know that whenever Greeny's giving me, I'm giving Greeny shit, this is the memory that I'm pulling from. And I turned to fucking Affleck. I was like, why can't you be this fucking good? He was, he was method. He believed in the craft. He believed in the lie that tells the truth.

Like he loved acting. And if he'd had his druthers, that's what he would have done. He backed into being one of the greatest stand-ups of all time. But acting, he loved it. And I think that's the one thing when he left this world, I felt like, you know what? The guy gave me so much, I was able to give him back. Dude, that's so cool.

I gave him shit like he blew a trucker and Jay and Silent Bob strike back. But my God, he was convincing. Oh dude, he was fucking rad. I mean, and in dogma. Yes, cardinal Glick. Yeah, it was so great. I also, by the way, my dream was to be an actor.

And that's what I went to LA for, to be an actor. To be an actor. Is that where I was pursuing stand-up? Why'd you wind up in stand-up then? By accident, I was in the groundlings. And you were in the groundlings for acting? To be a, I thought I'd be a good comedy actor. Right.

But while you were there, you were like, I'm good in front of people? Somebody told me. What'd they say? They were like, you should try stand-up. Who said that? Sam Tripoli, who's a comedian. He was like, you should do stand-up. And I was like, what?

He goes, you would like stand-up, I can tell. Because we would do these things and sometimes you're alone doing the thing. And you shined when you were by yourself? And he was like, you would like stand-up. And I go, what do I do? And so he drove me around LA one night and I followed him doing spots. I just watched him. I was like, what do you, I don't know what you do.

And I watched him do like three spots. And I was like, okay. Were you guys friends? Just from the class. So we were just, everybody in the class is kind of supportive. It's a commitment to bring you around. It was, it was very generous of him. And then Nick Wegener, who's now, he writes a lot.

He's written on shows and a bunch of stuff. And he has a writing partner. He was also in that class and he did stand-up also. And he was like, I think he's right. I think you'd like stand-up. And he goes here and then we walked into this place, like a small bar show. And he's like, this is the booker. He walks up to her as she's doing something.

And she goes, he goes, hey, Kathy, this is Tom. He's a stand-up. You were not a stand-up. I've never a stand-up. That moment you were as like when Tony Stark was like, you're an Avenger. Exactly. And then he goes, and she's like, oh, cool. She goes, do you want to do, next Thursday, Thursday after you went to the spot?

And I just go, yeah. She goes, okay, you're booked. And then she like writes it down and walked away. He's like, oh, you got a spot. And I was like, what do I do? How much did you have five minutes? Did you have 10 minutes? Dude, do you know how stupid I am?

I fucking, I wrote about this in my book. But when I think about it, I can still, this is real panic. Because I think about how stupid this is. I invited people to come watch me do stand-up. And I told them I do stand-up. I didn't tell them this is the first time I'll ever do stand-up. I was like, do you want to come watch me do stand-up? And they were like, you do stand-up?

And I was like, yeah. Without being like, I do now. Yeah. Or I will. Or I will attempt for the first time. And they're like, oh, Tom does stand-up. All right, so wait, they went? They went.

And? It went, like, not as poorly as it could go. And not amazing. But like, got some laughs to the point where like, I mean, I'm sure it's awful. I have it on tape. I have not watched it. Really?

I have it on tape. You should reinvest it. How do you have you not done this on a whole episode? I don't know. I got, I got to bust it out. With your, with your lady just fucking like ranking on you. One of the best episodes we ever did a Smodcast was like, I found these tapes that I used to like bike around my town

and record myself. Scott Mosier called it dobbling after Lloyd Dobbler. He's like, you're acting like Lloyd Dobbler, driving around, recording your thoughts and shit like that. And we did an episode called Emo Kev where I play the tapes and we pause just to fucking have him cackle at all the stupid shit that I'm saying. We got, we got to do it.

It would be gold. It would be. I have the very first time doing a stamp. I also have like maybe a year and a half, two years in where I'm dialed in on how much I'm obsessed with Chris Rock. Right. And you are watching. You do Chris Rock.

A poor Chris, like unaware. But I'm like, and then I'm like doing this with my hands. Oh my God. And I'm like, I'm like, all my hand gestures are hand gestures. Culturally appropriating. Oh yeah. And I was like, and I'm even like, like kind of like

blacking it up. I had a lady come up to me one time and I, you know, I'm talking to her offstage like this and she goes, you know, you're oddly urban on stage. And I was like, oddly urban. What a way to put it. Yeah. And then I was like, I mean, it took me a while to process.

Sounds like a, sounds like a fucking dog whistle. Yeah. You're oddly urban. Urban. We'll meet you at the meeting. It was, yeah. But you know, you go through all these iterations when you're trying to figure it out.

But the worst is that I definitely have it on tape. Yeah. You got a fucking, that's an episode right there. I know. I think you know what I'll do. I just shot my special last weekend. And so. So is it based on all the.

This tour, this current tour. Where did you choose? Where was your location? I did the celebrity theater in Phoenix. Why? I wanted to do it in the round. Nice. I had done a couple in the round that I enjoyed.

George Carlin did one there. He did one there. And earliest one. Yeah. Even before Carlin and Carnegie. Yeah. It's pretty, pretty cool. And like they built me the fucking most amazing set that like

when I got there, I was like, oh my God. And I got to shoot four. I recorded four of them. Four of the shows? Yeah. Usually you shoot two on a special taping. Right. But I did two Friday, two Saturday.

So I have like a ton to pull from, you know, figure out which one you want to use. Do you still do it with Brian or no? No, I worked with John Irwin. The night that Brian shot my thing. Yeah. I did a, mine was called, eventually it was called Silent, but deadly, ran out of showtime.

We were supposed to do two shows and cut it together from that. But I wound up doing like, it was supposed to be 90 minutes, but I did like two and a half hours. And when I got off stage, Brian was just like, oh my God, if we had to cut the show from that, we could. And I was like, well, I mean, there's one more show. And then I went in the back and had a heart attack and we didn't do the second show.

So my stand-up special is cut from the one fucking show. And were you 330 when that happened? No, at that point I was 290. So I was down a little bit from there because I'd given up sugar at one point, but I was still pretty hefty. And like what is a day like for you now as like a, you know, consuming wise?

Not much. Like the kids that I travel with, I'm on tour with Liv and Josh, they're always kind of like mentioning like, you don't really eat meals anymore. You're just kind of snack. And that's like really the truth? Yeah, kind of. Do you exercise too?

Yeah, I go walking every day, like four or five miles. Oh, wow. So you're really, you stayed on top of it. That's the thing is that some people have something like that happen and then they just kind of go right back. The doctor, the day that I was getting out, he's like, how do you feel? I was like, I feel great.

He goes, well, that's a problem. I said, why? He's like, well, time was you went through something like it. You went through 100% blockage. We'd have to crack your fucking chest. We saw your bones. We get into your heart and fix it. Then you would sit around mending for three to six months

and you would know that you went through something serious and you would change your life accordingly. He goes, but look at you. You're out of here in 32 hours. You say, you feel great. That means like you may just slip back into the same head. You put a stent in there. He's like, so you could just slip back

and that's what happens. He goes, if I'm lucky, I'll see you one more time before you die if you don't change your habits. And so at that point, my kid was, she'd been vegan for like three years and stuff. And it was so weird watching her like trying to figure out where to eat and stuff. Because there was no place to go.

I saw you guys one time at the Beverly Center. I didn't say hi. Fucking really cool. Well, you know, hell of an anecdote. You know what I mean? It's like you had Apple stuff. You just bought Apple stuff.

And I was with the kid. I was like, I'm not going to go fucking bother the guy. Well, hey. I don't know because you're famous. You know, it didn't work. Hardly. But if we got, you could come over and been like, I saw clerks fucking years ago.

Hey, how's Apple? Well, if that's your opener. Yeah, it's still good. They still got good stuff. You see a lot more charming than that. You could have been, you know, unusually urban with me. I always, what did you do homeboy?

So what's the word, kid? I just, I always feel like I recognize people and I go, don't bother. Yeah, we're bothering. What was I talking about? I forgot. You're kidding. Vegan is so hard to watch.

Oh, she made me go vegan. She was there when the nutritionist was like, you should, you know, maybe think about adding more vegetables into your diet. And the kid was like, you should just go vegan dad. Were you just an animal before? Oh, I used to drink, this is no lie. And people get weirded out.

I used to drink two gallons of milk a day. I loved milk. Somebody told me like, milk is very filling. I've never even met somebody like that. Two gallons of milk a day. Really? Yeah. I loved milk.

It was crazy. Two gallons? And that wasn't, you would think like that was the only thing. Full fat milk? Full fat milk. Because I, we did an episode of a podcast I do call Engimication. My friend, Andy McAlphur, spread a factoid where he was like.

That might be the wildest quirk I've ever heard about. Hey, buddy. It put me on a fucking operating table. Yeah. And it killed me eventually. But he said during this one piece, he was talking about how milk is very filling because it coats the stomach and stuff and makes you less hungry.

I was like, that sounds good. So I started just over doing it with the milk. It's pretty bad. And food-wise where you just eat whatever? Whatever the fuck. Yeah. But mostly like never a vegetable. And are you being, you're still vegan now?

Yeah. Still, it's been coming up on five years. I have to, the day after the heart attack when the nutritionist said that shit, the kid was like, please dad, try it. Do you ever, do you have temptations to, or no, you're kind of. I don't miss anything. You don't miss anything.

They now have got like equal shit like. Doesn't it feel good to look in the mirror though? Like it's, it's nice. Yeah, it is. It is actually better. I mean, I used to feel like that does so much for self-esteem. It does. And it's also like, you know, it's something that has been an issue

like my whole fucking life. Yeah, same, same dude. Since I was a kid. Ever struggling with the fucking weight and stuff. So it was nice to get to a place where that doesn't, it's not the concern. I'm not consumed with that anymore. Yeah.

And like. And mind you. With how uncomfortable you are. Totally. But mind you, my body is nothing anybody wants to look at because when you lose that weight, all the skin just drapes. Falls. And so one could get a procedure where you like have it cut off

and they saw you up and shit, but a friend of mine did that and he was like, bro, never do it. He was like, you, I know you, you have no tolerance, no threshold for pain. He's like, this is the worst pain I've ever been in my life. So I got evidence, man. Like fucking, if you, if I take my fucking kid off right here and shit, I look like fucking remember the dude in Robocop

who got hit with the fluids, he's droopy. That's what my shit looks like. Or remembering the shining when a hot chick gets out of the tub and turns into, oh, that's my shit looks like. Does that, is that a kind of a, you know, is that a thing every day where you pass by a mirror and it's a. If I'm out of clothes. It's a silent reminder though.

I'm saying like where you go. Always. When I see it. And another reason not to like cut it off. It's like, you know, battle scars, so to speak. Yeah. But also like I'm 52. Who gives a fuck?

Totally. It's not like my, you know, my wife's like, oh my God, get rid of that. Yeah. I'm sure now she's like, this is better than fucking what I've been dealing with the last 20 years. Right. We've never had that real conversation,

but we should one day when I'm like, you, you like this better, right? Right. Right. Like, right. Like me being, you know, come on. I mean, for fucking 24 years, like she was on top because I was like, well.

I'm a big guy. Yeah. You seem to like it up there. I do. I've struggled with it as an adult my whole life, up and down, up and down. This is probably the longest, like I stint I've had right now of just being serious.

You look thin to me. I'm 205 right now. So, but I've been. And yet you have the audacity to call a podcast Two Bears, One Cave. They were hardly a bear. Well, it started. I was way fatter.

So now you got changed the name of the podcast. We had a podcast called Fat Man Beyond. Fat Man on Batman. Then I lost weight. We had to change it to Fat Man Beyond. Really? Yes. Because I felt like it was false advertising.

So, what should we call it? One Bear, One Otter. One Bear, One Otter. One Otter. Fucking yeah, man. I mean, what else would it be? It's like. Tom and the Hitler guy?

I don't know. You see, I got him. No, not the title. What derivation, what designation would you be if not an Otter? Oh. Yeah, you're right. I got to be an Otter. I'm sorry.

I got to be an Otter. Yeah. Fuck, man. Although I like your pitch. I like your, that was a fast pitch. It was fast. I got him Hitler's teacups. That's why we're, you know.

What do you mean? I'm sure it's a long story in this whole episode, but did you really get him Hitler's teacups? Yeah, for his birthday. 01:37:24,760 --> 01:37:25,640 Why? Why? Well, I was trying to give him something different.

I mean, yeah. And were they actually his? Well, from everything we could, you know, verify. I mean, it cost me a lot. Oh, my God. With all this money. I know. That Netflix and this fucking thing.

I had to go through this like hardcore white supremacists in Idaho. Seriously? Yes. And I had to do cash deliveries. And then like, you know, he authenticated that it was a Gertie truce. And they, you know, she gifted it to this guy

when she died in 98 and three other sellers. And I was like, you know. Did you tell me, be honest, did you do it for the story? For the episode? Of course. Yeah. It was a, and I know he's a big history buff.

He said he has to destroy it, but I think he should, you know, so give it to him. I mean, I'm with him. It's kind of like. I'd give it to a museum. Shouldn't you ceremonially destroy him in the fake fireplace right here?

Like. Yeah. I think if we're going to do that, then we should have a Jewish friend do it. You know, I don't want it to be. That's smart. That's good. I think it's more fun that way.

Yeah, that's good. Yeah. You can't do that. You're not allowed. Yeah. I mean, at least let somebody take out a little. Let them lose some of it, especially right now.

Bring the tensions down. Yeah. Yeah. You can be doing the right thing right now. Yeah. Yeah. 01:38:38,200 --> 01:38:40,280 We should, we should invite Kyrie to do it.

Okay. Wow. Shit got very, very topical. Yeah. It did. Very topical. Dude, thank you for coming by. Thank you for having me, man.

This is a real treat. You're a fun guy to podcast with. Yeah, fucking likewise, man. It's a good time. I can't believe we didn't do this for a long time. I know we were in the same town all the time. This is like finding a lover too late in life. We're like, no.

Can we do it again though? Absolutely. We'll invite Christina. I would love that. I would love to let her be here. I can't remember or imagine the next time I'll be in Austin. But you guys. We come to LA all the time.

I was going to say, if you're going to be in LA, fucking, I got this. Well, not this. I don't have all this art. I mean, do you have a production designer? We hired one, yeah, for this. Yeah. And I heard you talking before about your fucking, like, you're like, they built a nice set for me.

What do you need a set for to fucking like do comedy? Wait, which set? I think you're getting spoiled by all these trinkets. Look at all this art. And you're buying Hitler's cops. How much money do you have? Do you want to produce a movie? Yeah.

Yeah. 1.2. What'd you get for that 1.2? Make a whole ass. I can make three movies for that point. So we just did Color last week. Color timing? Color correction.

And then we, the mix was this week. And there's a couple of VFX things that are going in. And then it's done. I'll send it. Can I send it to you? I would love to watch it. Have you seen any of this? Do you know that you're not going to do it for a ride?

No, no, no. I've been there. They're like, we're doing color now. And you're like, I hear they're doing color. I went and I had to go, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's, look, it looks fucking unbelievable. And I got like, dude, I got fucking,

I don't even know if I should save. But who was he did one of the short film? He is unbelievable because he just, he just blew everybody away. But you see that it's like, I mean, you experienced this more than anybody, but it's like, you know, you have friends that are like, yeah, I act or whatever.

And you can have them, people like them in a movie. And then you have like some like virtuoso come in and you're like, action. And you're like, holy shit. It's a, it kind of shuts everything down, you know? Like we did, I did this movie with Walberg and Margot Martindale is a great character actress. Yeah, wonderful.

But like, you know, it was one of those things where we just be like bullshit in between. That wasn't your short. You were in the movie. No, no, I was in that movie. Yeah. I was, I was called Instant Family. It was out a few years ago.

But I just remember being here. She called Margot. Oh my God. I mean, she's awesome in movies. But we're just like sitting around talking, you know? Right. And then it's like action. And this thing happens where I end up watching her.

Like I'm supposed to be in the scene and I'm like, oh my God. You just appreciated the performance. Yeah, I'm like, she's a really good actor. You're so good at acting. And then they're like, Tom, I'm like, uh, yeah, where, where, what's how are we supposed to be there? And they're like, cut. Start over again.

Because I'm just like. This is what we get for hiring these comics. Yeah. And like they're taken by how good of an actress she is. Wow. And like it was like that where I was like, what the fuck, man? It was just, it was really impressive. And I got, I got great.

Are you in the short as well? I'm in all of them, but I only, what I did was I wanted to be in all of them, but I only wanted to be the lead in the one that I wanted to be. So I thought I would just lend myself to like, I'm just cameos in two of them. Right. And the lead in one. Yeah. And Chris, Christina or no.

She's not in it. No. What's been her take on all this? Like go, go with God. Enjoy. 01:42:07,000 --> 01:42:09,160 Or, hey man, 1.2. We could have bought a fucking our fifth house.

You think I run this shit by her, dude? You don't? Fuck no. She doesn't know any of it. Is that the secrets of success? You don't tell them anything. I used to have shit show up at the house. That's smart.

Yeah. You gotta write notes for me, man. Yeah. I'm like, this is. You gotta write another book. Like this is a. The book is like, this is the real party. Where you tell everybody how it's done.

Like this is a 997 GT3 RS. You're lucky to have it. Yeah, I don't fucking ask. I don't square with the woman I met. I'd give her some cool stuff too. That's it. Just throw some fucking Welfare away as well. Yeah.

Hey, here's some earrings. Go have a ball. Why did you wait this long in the process to teach me these things, man? No, man, we should do another podcast. We should, absolutely. Well, have fun tonight, dude. Thank you.

It's gonna be a good time. Honestly, I've really enjoyed all your work. I think you're a super talented, super funny guy. He's a fucking world likewise. That's why I was here, man. I jumped at the chance to be. So happy you came by and have fun on the tour, man. Have fun on the tour.

01:43:11,640 --> 01:43:12,760 Thanks for having, man. You as well, fucking. You're almost done. May 15th? That's it? That's the end. May 15th.

There it is. So you're coming to a close of yours. All right. Seven more months. Let's go. All right. Thanks for watching. We'll see you guys next week.

Bye, everybody. Quick point of personal privilege. Guys, I'm. He him. I'm one of the people who's very, very prone to sensory overload. We're all fresh and ready to go. Thank you, comrade. If we want to defeat capitalism, we are going to need a party that will organize working people

to fight for the demands that we want and to win socialism. Let's go ahead and make it a challenge to нормально indicator morgen byuring allez-laughing and Digital company. We hope until we get to the end. Really? Wants to see