Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - A Gender Traitor's Guide To Dating w/ Jordan Jensen | Your Mom's House Ep. 828

Episode Date: September 17, 2025

Make sure to watch Jordan's new Netflix special "Take Me With You", streaming now! SPONSORS: Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/momshouse Head to https://BlueChew.com to get your first month FREE. Just use promo code YMH at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. New Customers Bet $5 Get $200 Instantly in Bonus Bets. Sign up using https://dkng.co/mom or through my promo code MOM Go to http://helixsleep.com/YMH for 25% Off Sitewide. Welcome back to Your Mom’s House with Tom Segura and Christina P! This week Tim and Kristin are joined by comedian Jordan Jensen (Netflix: Take Me With You, Being Ian with Jordan).The mommies kick things off with some cat updates, code switching, and a heated debate about napkin pants. Then Jordan sits down to talk about growing up with two moms and a cowboy dad, why female comics all have “dyke energy,” and the elite nightmare of dating apps like Raya.We get into cold plunges, “gender traitors,” road rage in New York City, fart legends like King Ass Ripper, and Jordan’s on-again-off-again relationships. Plus: the infamous “N-Ain’t Shit” lady, breakdancing protestors, and why sharts aren’t what you think they are.It’s a packed episode full of laughs, chaos, and classic YMH insanity. Your Mom’s House Ep. 828 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, [phone] or visit http://gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Please Gamble Responsibly. 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org (CT) or visit http://www.mdgamblinghelp.org (MD). 21+ and present in most states. (18+ DC/KY/NH/WY). Void in ONT/OR/NH. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). 1 per new customer. $5+ first-time bet req. Max. $200 issued as non-withdrawable Bonus Bets that expire in 7 days (168 hours). Stake removed from payout. Terms: http://sportsbook.draftkings.com/promos . Ends 9/29/25 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:48 - Christina's Art & Cat Breath 00:04:10 - Code Switching For Elite Whites 00:15:57 - Opening Clip: Demons In My Womb 00:18:39 - Clip: Fart On Me Freakout 00:23:28 - Double Pipe Collab 00:25:56 - Do You Have A Husband? 00:30:48 - Clip: Presidential Candidate 00:32:36 - Full Figured Woman 00:36:38 - Napkin Pants 00:38:49 - Jordan Jensen Isn't Gay 00:44:27 - Masculine Comedy Energy 00:50:24 - Gender Traitor 01:40:45 - Closing Song: "Six Butts (More To Love)" By DJ Fat Hog Jeans Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit square.ca.caulte to get started. Fully retarded. Do that one. Bucky retardantle. Do Larry? Oh, yeah. No, no, do soccer souffle guy saying mentally retarded? Is that him?

No. No. Sacco-suffling. Larry King? Yeah. Who said mental souffle? retarded. It sounded like a newscaster, like somebody. Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right. That is...

Larry King. No, that's just like an old, old advertising thing where they... Oh, yeah. Where they're like, the mentally retarded can live a norm. Fully retarded. I think it was for like a product. Like, this is a fully retarded product. Meaning, you know, that it can stop. Like, and yeah, whatever. I got you. Story time. Okay, door that. Okay. Dude, that clip.

Quickly and fully retarded. That clip got you so good, Tom, back then. Story time? Yeah, that fucked me up. That was a story time. He was a start time and he drooled. That was a classic. You had to find him again.

Can you find him? That was great. Talk to how they're retarded. Oh, this is the best. Yeah. You are completely retarded. Yeah. Retarded.

Retarded. You're fucking returred. That'd be so retarded. I'm not retarded. Yeah. I'd be retarded. I'd go retarded. I was going to knock her in the head one day out here beside the garage because she called me a young retarded.

I was going to knock her in the head with a claw hammer. Yeah. Well, Steve. We're going to be a retardant around his dog, but. Retarded? I retarded. Any girl who knows of the claw hammer is. Yeah.

Lesbian. That's true. Yeah. You know, there's one coming in here in a minute. Oh, hi. Thanks, Heather. I just wanted to refresh everybody on the artwork I did of my husband Tim. I'm not putting it up for sale yet,

but I have increased the price of fuck around and find out to $60,000 now on the YMH website. I'm just, I'm so proud of this and I feel like I want people to enjoy it and cherish it. It's really flattering. Thank you for doing that. It's really cool. You got it, palp. I hate that shit. Pompom.

Fuck that. That's how I refer to my parents. Can you talk? Start calling Charo that. I don't want this to get stanger. That's so gay. A lot so gay. Sounds like Sidney, Sweeney.

Yeah, so you have your beautiful artwork and your lip shits. Oh, yeah. By my lips chits, everybody, I am wearing right now on my face a brown new product that will be revealed in the wintertime for Christmas. I'm just going to say it's very excited, very amazed. Christina p.com you can get my flagship colors, the perfect red, Madison, Berlin, and. And Atomic Red, buy all four for the lady in your life. You graciously sent gifts of them to the set when I was on. I gave it to the makeup department.

And they all put it on. And then they were like, hey, you sold more because everyone was like, where'd you get that? And then they ordered it. No way, Jose. Well, thanks, Tom Hanks. I appreciate that. That was awesome, man. Thank you for doing that.

Thank you. Very handsome. I'm going to draw more pictures of your nude body. Thanks for the details. Do you know that our fucking cat went to the vet today For a stupid, poor scratch on her, I misgendered our cat Yes And you know the vet fucking said?

What? This cat has gingivitis. Gingervitis? And I was like, dude, what fucking cat doesn't have gingeritis? Or what dog? Yeah. They all do. You got to brush the cat's teeth.

I'm like, who the fuck is brushing their cat's teeth? Well, what about the scratch? What did they say about that? It's just a little boop. You just put some ointment on it and it goes away. But I mean, don't tell me to brush the cats or the dog's teeth. Nobody does that, right? Well, I think some people do.

Do you guys brush your fucking cat's teeth? Normal people aren't doing this. I used to. Stop. Every day? No. But, yeah, I would every now and then. I'm surprised by you, Eni.

You're so different today. He was very different today in the meeting. How so? He's code switching. He came in a little hot. You know, I get accused of that a lot. You? Yeah, people say that I do that a lot.

You know why? Why? It's because we mixed, man. We had to. It's also, it's not abnormal. Like, people don't realize that they do it. I do it too. Yeah, but people do it.

People always think in terms of just race, but you also code switch based on like people's age and the setting you're in, you know? Like if you're in a bank and you're meeting the manager, you do a version of a code switch. If you're with someone's grandparents, you're not like, what's up? You don't, you walk in, you, you see. speak to people differently. That's just a normal thing to do. I also think people just don't do it well.

Right. So when somebody does it well, they're like, why are you being somebody? It's like, you do the same thing. You just can't do it right. Because like the worst, the worst, to me, the cringiest comedy movies. And they've done these with the top talent in the field is when they have the white

person who's like, you have a new black friend. And then the spin in the movie is like, he puts on a gold chain and he goes What's up, my brother? And everyone's like, that's hilarious. And you're like, that is awful. Like, it's just like a cartoon version of like, I'm in a rap video.

And it's so cringy. Locisha. Shout out to Loquisha. Shout out to Loquisha. Oh, Lucia. Baby, I got some advice for you today. Yeah. Who did that again?

Refresh my memory. Dude, how did they get it scrubbed? I find it so crazy that you can't like maybe on some a site that where you know I don't know like a Reddit or something they have it up but they like the trailer was gone oh you can watch it well they've scrubbed revenge of the nerds you hear me you can't even see revenge of the nerds see if you can pull up this trailer anymore I could not find it did they release it no way yeah it came out is it still up in because this was gone we couldn't find this trailer we need a viewing party what are we doing always seem to say the right thing is just the right person what's your secret this looks like ryan i'm really just talking to myself i don't make it i don't charge for my advice well you should because it was amazing i saw this and i thought of you you will be a hit in no time welcome to the joe show i submitted myself to a radio station for my own show well congratulations they rejected You need to get the money for this school

Go on, let's hear it. 13,000 a semester. Here you come. Asking me is her own show. I was a black woman. I'd be perfect. This is so insane. She's brilliant.

I know. Get her in here. The biggest thing in radio. Well, I still need my anonymity. You nervous? It's not a crime. It's theater. You love with Loeotuisha.

What's your problem? Hi, LoCresia. Oh, I ain't talking to you, not the way you sound. Next caller. You go, girl. You just be good to her. If you're good to yourself, you can be good to others. Don't be too good because the police are coming around.

It's like, it's not at all believable. No, that's the problem. Okay, we're good. Oh, shit is you. The problem, the thing is when you do these, you have to be, you have to nail it. Do you know what I mean? Like, you can do this. Oh, right.

I see what you're saying. If you can really, but like if you, if you just have it like degrees off, then you go like, what the fuck? You have to have roots in that culture. I don't know if you have to have roots in the culture, but like your representation of it has to be spot on. Like if you nail it, then everyone goes, that's fucking, yeah, you did it. Yeah. Well, that's true. Well, that's true because we've had that comedian in here.

Who? Just was here when I was gone. My brain is addled from opioids. Gary Owen. Gary Owen. Yeah, but he just is a good comedian who he knows a culture and he knows how to make observations. And he's being himself. He's not doing a caricature.

He's not being like, what it is, my brother. Like, he doesn't come out like that. No, he's who he is. I agree. I agree. And he's also been immersed in a culture. So he has nailed that. But I'm saying like that movie can be.

done well if you are at like you could do the impression if your impression is like is spot on and the people are like oh my god yeah he's like girl yeah you out your mind yeah everyone's like keep on keep saying your shit like that's it's nonsense it just you you feel like you're this is a sketch i mean it's too um generic it needs to be more specific yeah we need to if he really took time to create a black lady character maybe god it's like russell p Russell Peters does that shit right He knows that culture But he nails it

He does that for I would say almost Every time he does I've been at shows with him Where he'll literally be like Where the Sri Lankan people at And they go Oh yeah

Type up and then he does something just for them And then he does like something for Cantonese speaking Mandarin speaking And then northern India And he's just because he knows them so well And he does the accent perfectly and his reference is perfect you know so it's like it's it's just about actually nailing it well well i've heard you talk white guy and you do it really well yeah like i've watched you do white

stuff wide it up oh my god like when you um do phone call and you go hi how are you today i'm good how are you like i want to blow my brains out because that to me is such a stupid thing like why would you ask somebody that if you're not going to wait for the answer it's just it's a it's a nicety that fucking enrages my soul it's a white formality yes yes yes They love this. High-level whites, really respected. High-level whites. Yeah, you got to, talking about top-tier whites.

Yes. Yeah, there's a certain way to speak to them, for sure. What else they like talking about? Golf, the family. You learn every top-tier whites hobby, and then you address that momentarily, you know. He's a tennis guy, golf guy, chess guy. You got to, you have to refer to it right now. You're right, because I remember when Mark Cuban came in, I was like,

how is Tom going to white guy it up with Mark Cuban? And lo and behold, the two of you, or just two peas in a pod. Well, he's an elite white, and then you just know, but he's not pretentious. So you can't go pretentious with him. But you always meet them. You know, here's the thing,

if you know what they love, that's the way to a super elite white guy's heart. So elite white man, yeah. He loves more than anything basketball. I'm saying as in the world of like hobbies and whatnot. So you bring up basketball, you can have easily a two-hour conversation with that guy. Easily.

But here's the deal, man. Is that, do you enjoy talking about basketball? or you just endure it? No, no. Now, if he was just like my favorite shit's ballet, I would do a little research and then suffer through the conversation. Okay, see, that's what I didn't know.

But you also just using it as a bridge to get to, you know, whatever you actually really want to talk about. Wow. How come it took me like 49 years to learn this stuff? Had good white training, man. I was with a lot of elite whites. You really were.

I don't think I, like I watched you talk to them, you know, over the years. And I'm like, oh, that's how you talk to it. appropriate people like attorneys or like agents or like business people that I yeah that's a good one and then I tell you the one my dad taught me this is like from so many like white men is like if something isn't right like at in some type of experience in other words like a hotel stay a rat like something like is fucked up it's like the people who a lot of people go in they go what the fuck they curse everything he's like never do that you always get the

highest level person you can get and then you just tell them about your experience you know you understand like the difference so you're like hey you know we paid to stay at this resort and then this is what my experience has been thus for dude when i did that like a like the whole the whole world is given to you by by doing it in a like yeah not angry not angry not emotional just logical and you just tell them this is what was wrong i got to learn That was a top dog thing. He's so smart. Yeah.

So he learned how to be an elite white from his family. Well, he was working with, you know, elite whites. Yeah. So he was just like passing on. Yeah. Yeah, because that's not how it works in like the immigrant world, like my stepdad. And if you got some shit to say, some bullshit, if you're pissed about something, never email it. Really?

Why? Because it's a paper trail. Yeah, you don't want that. You don't want that. You make a phone call. Yeah, yeah, you do verbal, verbal. Well, my stepdad, when he would threaten people's lives or get angry or, or, It was always in person or over the phone.

Elite whites and criminals know that. Yeah. Sometimes they're the same thing. Yeah. Very often. I know. When we started this podcast, it felt like we had to figure out everything. Production, branding, marketing.

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with a demon. And she's done it hundreds of times. And she vibrated my womb for too long when I was in bed, home alone in Des Moines, Iowa when I first lived there back in 2018, 2011. 19 and I had to go to the ER and the examine because she would at you. So, Jan, you're going to hell for blasting my Holy Spirit. You can't be with me. Get out of my life. Holy line. Don't bring anyone mother to this.

It's a good one. Your mom where the fucking stand? Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitza. It's a weird friend. No, that wasn't a beard play. That was just a furry.

This lady, she had a lot of interesting shit. She's been all over, dude. I've been following her work. One of the craziest things to me. You gotta respect the song. Is it bad that, like, of everything she said, what I hung on to the Moise? I know what you're going to do is that she said Des Moines. And that's her home.

In my home, in Des Moines. Completely inaccurate. Nobody from Des Moines. Never. In Des Moines. No, even I know it's Des Moines. Demois. La Croix-Mont, Laté.

Des Moines. Yeah, I mean, it's fucking insane. and my home in Des Moines. Forget the demons in your feet and your womb being vibrated. Yes. Des Moines? Yeah, it's completely inaccurate.

But maybe it's the womb vibrations that's messing up her speech. She probably needs to get her ass. You know, you put something in your butt to straighten your out. And then it realigns your hips. Demon. And she's done it hundreds of times. And she vibrated my womb for too long.

I was in bed, home alone in Des Moines, Iowa when I first went. She said Des Moines. It's upsetting. It's really crazy. No, I agree with you on that. Forget what Jan did. Just fucking start referring to your home, Des Moines, correctly. I agree.

Everything else will fall in line. I have zero tolerance for people that know nothing about the city they live in. Come on. It really bothers me. And this is a representation of that sort of thing right now. Have some pride. Have a little pride. Have a little pride.

We were walking down an aisle. And there were like two guys that walked up next to us. You know, Peyton like walked away. My wife walked away. for just a second and they were like snickering to their like to themselves or something and uh like i didn't really think much of it so i'm just looking at the candy aisle try to decide what candy i want and he walks by and gets like inches from me and just rips one like farts like this far from me that's disgusting to say i can't even believe i'm having to say this but he did

And about that time, Peyton walked up, like, didn't witness what happened, but, like, seconds later, and I'm, like, upset, and I follow after him. And I was like, is there a reason? You were just so disrespectful to me. What? Call you a minute. And he, uh, he never felt so dehumanized. Not only did he fart on her. When she...

in front of him, he said, just walk away, fucking bitch. This is Albertsons, by the way. Oh, yeah. And go to the customer service to be like, hey, this just happened. I was just disrespected in your store and called names like several times. Don't dare do that. And they, security guard went and talked to him, came back. And they all just kind of looked at us and was like, well, can't you all just leave?

Yeah. Yeah. Is this a standard for society? I mean, it's not the standard. There's so many problems with this. For society. But it's what you get sometimes. Sometimes you're shopping for kale and quinoa.

She was in the candy aisle. Oh, you're looking for candy. She's looking for candy. And someone farts. It just happens. Right. And also, like, I take offense that she's taking a fence at someone's fart, meaning how could you take somebody's fart personal, personally, rather.

How do you know he was directing the fart at you? It's a little narcissistic. He's just a pig and he farted. It's just a guy farting in the candy. You know what my favorite public fart story ever is that I didn't do it, but that I witnessed. And it's been years. I was working at America's Most Wanted in D.C. And I shared an office with one of the on-camera guys, who's also, his name was Tom.

And we talked about music a lot. We liked a lot of the same music. And so one day we took a walk. Tom and I walk into a record store. And we're like, let's go see. I think it must have been like a Tuesday, because back then that's when records dropped. So we let's go look and like what came out today.

So we, you know, we take a little walk. And back then for people that are too young now, a lot of record stores had listening stations, right? So people would, you could pick up headphones and you could listen to like, classics or like new stuff so there was a guy in there who had to have been about 330 pounds right he was a big fat fuck and he's sitting there and me and tom are like looking at this guy he's like and then he hits a like a high he goes like ha he sings and he farts at the like loud and long

and we both were like yo and he looked at us and he was like And he turned. He had turned away. I think he didn't know he farted. He knew. I don't think he knew. I think he didn't know he farted. I think he looked at us like, you don't like my singing?

Fuck y'all. And he turned his head. And we were both like, and we laughed. We laughed so hard. And that's part of why I was like, oh, I think he thinks we're laughing at it singing. He's so big. He probably just farts all the time and doesn't register it. But Tom, think about this.

Yeah. Have you ever farted and it not registered to you? that you've heard it. I don't think so. But picture. I know with the headphones. It's the headphones. And also don't forget that he's engaging his diaphragm.

He's like, hey! He's like letting it out and came out at the same time. Okay. Yeah, maybe he did know. He's like, I don't give a fuck. But it felt like he was like, I don't know that I just did that. But see, don't you feel like that's a blessing in the skies? And you didn't take that far personally?

No, I did not take it personally. I laughed. I thought it was hilarious. Because it's a gift. And we were close to them. Right. And when somebody farts in public for you like that, you should take that for what it is. It's a gift from God. It's a special laugh.

It is pretty special. It's not personal. It's not. Oh, and speaking of farts, we haven't even brought. This is breaking news in the YMH world. Can you please play cats eating kibble? It's very important. All right.

This is a big deal. The other day, we were in the room. Do you remember who did what? I think I burped. We're in the same room, and at the same time, I farted, and you burped. Now, when one human does it, it's a double pipe classic, which is a term you invented, by the way, and you don't get nearly enough credit for it. I appreciate that.

It's on the Internet, on the Urban Dictionary. I don't see your name credited. Oh, it does. The rare occurrence when you are blessed enough to both burp and fart at the same time. Then they give an example. Shit, washing down that double beef and bean burrito with Coca-Cola gave me the double-pipe classic. Most men are only lucky enough to have that but a few times in their life.

Thank you very much. I appreciate that. But I feel as though, this is a whole new thing. As a couple, we've never created a double-pipe classic. It was very cool. Two mommies, one pipe. Two mommies one. Is it a double pipe collab?

A double pipe collab. A double pipe collab, yeah. That's very 2025. I mean, what's it called when two streams enter one canal, you know? Ooh, two streams enter one canal. It's got to be like. Like the sewer system? I mean, California.

Or like just in nature. There's got to be a term for when like. A dyke? These These, is that a dike is a water thing in it? I don't know. Confluence. There it is.

Conflatulence? Confluence. Yeah. Canal confluence. A less common use of the term, but it can describe when two or more canals controlling together. Yeah. Yeah.

A canal confluence. It's called a couple's canal confluence. Yeah. Yeah. That's what it is. I'm so proud of you, M. There you go. So awesome.

So awesome. I hope somebody. How was your weekend? I had a little canal confluence with my partner. Partner. Partner. Gay partner. By the way, I'm so gay.

And I will not call you my partner ever. I fucking hate it. What's your pronoun? I was at the pizza place with the boys this weekend. And I was like making small talk with the table next to me. What's it like to have boys? And I was like, it's fucking chaos. Just getting charged.

insurance on your house. It's crazy. Fuck you. Fuck you. He goes, fuck you and fuck me and fuck everyone. Yeah, that's our little guy. All right, dude. Yeah. And I forgot what I was going to say. We were talking and talking and talking.

And then at one point she goes, I don't know. Do you have a husband? I don't know if you have a husband. And I was like, bitch, how old am I, first of all? Of course I have a fucking husband. That's what you said to this lady? No, in my head I'm thinking, you stupid bitch. Of course I have a fucking husband.

I'm 50 years old. have a ring, I got two kids. I'm old. Yes. I'm not this generation that just makes kids willing-nilly with strangers. Okay. At people or whatever it is, these fuckers are doing and then calling each other partners. It's super fucked up. I don't do that. Okay. But it really upset me. I mean, yes, I have a husband, you dummy. God. I mean, do you have a husband? It was like the first time in my life, anybody had seen me alone with the kids and presumed I would be partnerless or husband left. I mean, maybe I looked like a lesbo. I don't know. I don't know. Why would she ask me such a stupid? Did you return the question? What about you, bitch? You have a husband? Well, her husband

was there. He was sitting there. Big dummy. I saw him too. Jesus. And I was like, I don't fucking ask me stuff like that. Okay. All right. He was pretty useless. Jesus. All right. Fuck you too, bitch. Yeah. There you go. It made me mad. I can see that. That's very cool. I look like I can't get one. You know what I mean? Football season is finally here, people, and boy, have I been looking forward to it. That's why I've teamed up with Draft King's Sportsbook

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You know me. Fashionable fashion. And she thinks like I look so gay or unattractive. I don't know. This is a real deep fucking well you're going down right now. But isn't it true that I heard. kids aren't getting married now and the kids the younger generation they're not getting married they're just taking a different path like like yes check this out this is like from tell me somebody else hello

my name is matthew garapick and i'm a candidate for president in 2032 as you may know already i'm looking for a woman to impregnate must be 18 years older and no more than 145 pounds i'm looking primarily for a white or a Spanish woman. If you feel like you have a chance at becoming one of the lucky ladies, that will be my first lady when I run for president in 2032. Please email an application of some photos and where you're from to Garipik 2032, first lady at Gmail.com. Oh, geez.

I'll have my staff reach out to you if you seem to be a good fit. Remember, in 2032 to vote for Matthew Garapick for president. president. Let's go. I mean, I like his ambition. Yeah. No, he's got, I mean, he's got the charisma. You're right, Tom. Some people just take a different path. It's a different path. He's looking for a lady. It's just in his own way.

There's a lot. But she has to be 18. Let's go. Like, that was, yeah. That AC is AC and too. It's AC. And again, you really need a simpler email. Yeah. Garipik, 2001, 957. Like, don't do that. 2.32, first lady at G. Like, that's, I mean, how's your staff going to fucking deal with all these emails?

It's too much. You had to simplify the message. Could the ladies that work here, like, submit their applications? Just want to see what it's like when the staff reaches out. Please. Yeah. You just be like, hey, I'm interested. Neanna says yes.

Yes. Yes. You have to be how old, though, 18 is the cutoff, right? No, 18 or older. He wants an adult. Oh, that's cool. And 145? 145.

I'm like, Jesus Christ, man. What are you going to be? be fucking wrangling cattle? Why are you getting so and so big? I was going to say I barely made that kind of pain. Oh, all right. Do you have a husband? Yeah.

I think he should cut him off a little bit lighter. You know what I mean? This guy's obviously generous. He's willing to go. Well, that's another thing too. Yeah. It's okay to be heftier now. Yeah.

It's okay. 145 is fine. 145. He's looking for a full-figured woman. That's me. Like I've already had. She's got hips. I'm a cow, yeah.

Yeah, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God, speaking up. Yeah. Have you seen Nellie Ferdotto lately? Oh, stop. We're not doing this. What is wrong with you? Because I know you liked her back in the night.

I like her still. I like Nellie Furtado. I do. I like her too. Why are you whispering? Because I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it that I'm talking. Because I think I like her.

No, she was so pretty, baby. She's pretty. She's pretty. What are you doing? She's over 144. So what? She looks good, dude. Come on.

Come on. She looks good. Babe. The black guy is like, come on. The black guy. Jesus Christ. Your culture doesn't mind. Right?

You're terrible, man. I still think she's beautiful. She is. She is. And I don't care what the black guy says. I think she's beautiful. The black guy. man she is still beautiful i'm not saying she's not i just i just as a black guy how do you

respond you mean the black guy the black guy you know you guys are known for enjoying a you guys a full figured woman like ah shit she's about 360 that's what i'm talking about like so is that how you feel i'm gonna pee i'm gonna fucking throw off this is that You code switched. You did it. I was trying to make it. So he's like, oh, I get it. You did.

Oh, you were trying to bro with him. Yeah. Yeah. God, so fine. Do it again. Because otherwise he'd have been like, I don't know what he's saying right now, man. So I was just, yeah, I was trying to.

I can't say it's my, you know, preference. You know, I fuck big bitches, but I don't. That's what we're talking about. Yeah, but I, you know, I, you know, I didn't like my thing. But you fuck with big bitches. Would you fuck with Nellie at her current? I mean, you know. Yeah.

I'm not saying I wouldn't hit, but, yeah. I don't know if I could say, like, she likes her old stuff, you know what I'm saying? I don't love this. What? I mean, she's, dude, she's rad. But I whispered it and she can't hear me. She can hear it. Yes. She has audio equipment. She's funny. I like her. I like her. I like her and I want her. Nellie, I will not stand for this disrespect. I do think you're beautiful. I do too. Can I tell you something though? But remember Lizzo who was like, I'm fat and I don't care and I love it? Let's look at her now. Oh, little Ozenpies, Lizzo. She lost a bunch of weight. Good for her. That's what I'm saying. I don't, I don't, I just don't think you can be happy.

Okay. When you're that large. You just, it's not happy. I know it. Yeah. Shit, I'm, I'm a hefty. I'm, I'm, I'm the 145. I'm dying to get to 145.

It's hard. You know? Yeah. It's tough, Megan Trainor. I've been a big fatty my whole life. So I just, you know. I know. You're not a big fatty.

Sure. I am. Even inside I still am. I'll never not be a fat guy You know what I mean? In your heart For sure It doesn't matter what the outside is

Yeah You'll always be like Oh yeah I'm fat It's okay No I love you No I learned to accept it with age Just in your mind You're always like

Oh yeah You think that way Like you're all Yeah I know you're saying Yeah I know what you mean You have your identity Yeah your identity is You're fat

Yeah Yeah No I get it Like my identity I'm always like Oh I'm like a weird foreigner You know

even though you are a weird foreigner right yeah yeah that's not an idea you are oh sorry if weren't even born in this country you're lucky to be here you should probably get deported i'm married an american dummy he doesn't matter it does i'm fine you were raised by barnyard animals yeah i really was speaking of you don't you're not going to like this i i've just i've discovered that you can wipe your hands on your pants. Dude. You don't even need napkins because you wash your pants anyway. No.

What is wrong with you? Just get a napkin. No, I started doing it and now I really like it. You're using your pants? My pants is napkins. You can do it. I do it all. I do it all.

All my jeans now are just napkins. Napkin jeans, napkin pants, yeah. Especially denim. Denham's perfect for napkin pants. What's wrong with grabbing a napkin? And I don't want to. And I'm usually busy with the kids. I'm in the car.

I can't fucking do stuff. That's beyond. You've never used your pants as napkins. Have I ever, I'm sure. But like in most 99% of situations, I look for some other fabric, not the pants I'm wearing. Right. Right. I just feel like the pants are there.

They're meant to be napkins. They're walking napkins. They're not walking napkins. Napkins are napkins. That's what you're wrong. silly i will say this what there is no napkin that is better than a towel towels are the best napkins you're so rich but then you know no no i'm talking about other people's towels not like in a hotel yeah oh yeah yeah if you're like eating and you grab a

towel you're like oh this is the best napkin for sure and i've done that many like i get like the washcloth size you're like oh this is perfect yeah yeah yeah i thought it was the only one that's ever discovered towels are the best towels are the best napkins yeah second into jeans. No. Yes. No. Try it.

Just try it out. The level of disrespect that you're doing to your own self when you do that. To denim. To denim. I know. This is the house of denim. You need to. All right. We're going to get you back into a program.

All right. We'll take a quick break. Okay. We'll be right back. And we are back and so excited to talk about our guest today has a new special out on Netflix called Take Me With You, has the B and Ian with Jordan podcast and Rip, Jordan Jensen. It's Jordan Jensen everybody. Oh, thank you for

having me. Thank you for being here. It's so exciting. Congratulations on the special. Thanks. Everybody's excited. I just woke up. People here saw it. Yeah, I get it. What's my pronouns? Yeah. What? What are your pronouns? Like, I would like it to be

something like... You can, you can make it that. You know? You can. You can make it. Mapa. Dama. Pompom-pom. Palm pom-pom's good I like pom-pom, please Yeah Yeah Yeah I feel closer to that

Then either of the Where do you live mommy I live in Brooklyn Mm-hmm Judor Tetties Dutort Tetties Perfect What?

Oh yeah Yeah Yeah right outside of Is that where you're from? Upstate New York I'm from Ithaca I've been there Itthaca

Of course you've been there You're born there Yeah She knows carpentry You know carpentry too I don't I know carpentry Oh okay

Well, when you're talking about us, you're talking about the same person. I don't know. Listen, Tom has raved about you for so long, and I'm so excited to finally meet you today, and he's like, she's so funny. You're going to love her. Wait, is that how I talk? That's what you sound like. That's how I sound like that? She's so funny.

Yeah, yeah. It's like you're throwing your own voice into your own mouth. That's crazy. That's crazy. Yes, and it's, listen, my husband is a very harsh critic. Really? Yes. I will say if he thinks you're funny

it fucking means you're funny So I'm like so stoked to finally meet you And you studied philosophy And you have a small dog with you And these are all things I love Already Yeah and I hear you're a little mannish As I am quite mannish

Yeah Yeah totally You're not gay I'm not gay And that's what I was saying Have you been gay? No But I did I did spend the 90s in San Francisco

For school And there was a lot of bisexuality was cool So I frenched Of course, French. We all French for the sake of the boys. We go, want to see something cool boys? So you fuck me. Here's me French and my friend.

Yeah, yeah. Of course. Did you have you eaten box? No. I don't like it. I tried. You did try? I couldn't.

I couldn't go mouth to. Wait, you did try though? I looked at it. You looked at it. You didn't give it one? Like, did you give one of these? No. I fingered, but my fingering even was just like this.

I couldn't. Oh, I can't. There's something about it. The penis is just like this. It's stupid. It's dumb. I can deal with this object. Reaching my hand in there?

Who knows? It's so scary. And also what comes out of the vagina that men don't know about. I heard you have a great joke about. Discharge her blood. Yeah. I forget what it is, but yeah.

Well, Neanna was quoting it because she had just watched discharge where I'm trying to cover it and I'm pulling down my underwear and then I just say that I throw my underwear away. Is it in the special you talk about because I remember we've done dates together.

and so I've seen like bits and pieces of your act about your mom like you The ripping? Was it? The fainting vaginal? Just like you were

I think it was you telling her about like maybe it was like a first period or something and she was like just fucking plug it up go to bed or whatever Like it was some story about about your mom? Oh yes it was that was the vaginal tearing thing where my vagina ripped during sex and me and this guy kept fainting and she goes she said it's just like the inside of your mouth it'll heal quick

which is crazy yeah i got off stage i've never i didn't that's in the special because of you okay really yeah because i told that on one of your shows like for fun because they were a bunch of lesbians there we were in like portland uh-huh and my mom was in the audience that's right portland main and you're like you got to put that other special and i was like okay yeah yeah that's awesome because it's dirty yeah well you were raised by two uh lesbian ladies and i imagine that to be the greatest experience of all time was it The problem is one of them just becomes a dad. Tell me everything.

Like, it's not like two sweet ladies are like, honey, we've both cooked a casserole. It's like, one is like, shut the fuck up, Michelle. You know, it's like that. And then you have a dad also because of biology, you must have a dad or a lot of money. And I had a dad. And he was just like weird uncle. He was just like uncle guy. What was he like?

He was like a cool sex addict cowboy pothead. hippie guy yeah and what was your relationship I worked for him yeah he was like my boss and he was and uh he he didn't like me when I was a goth oh that's unfortunate it's the best phase in a girl's the best phase he didn't like the goth phase so he kind of was like you did you're not you're no son of mine and then and then when I lost a bunch of weight and became a normal girl I started working from him and we became like buds what did you do for him oh construction yeah you're so gay

I know I know I love this I know it's bro you look great you've been you kept up with your training yeah yeah you look great man I'm on the

I'm on the inflammation diet yeah yeah okay good anti-inflation you've been training still you've been right you're eating right and you're eating right and I'm working out a lot

I'm not boxing as much but I'm lifting a lot you're so gay see here's the thing we were talking about it's so crazy because it's just I don't even realize it

and then I hear it And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also think that there's an inherently gay quality to all female comics that we are all a little dykey to some regard because we're going against the gender norm in the first place. Right. Nobody wants to hear us talk. Comedy is like masculine energy. Yes. You know what I mean?

Like the room you were in last night and like, you know what I mean? The green room, those dynamics, that's masculine. Like the hanging out. And it's always like nice fucking shirt dip shit. Yeah. It's like it's aggressive kind of masculine energy. I think that I think this is what happened. I think it's the chicken or the egg.

I think it's I think it's before you get into comedy this happens to you is when women are coming in and being like, oh my God, let's dress up and do these things. You're a little bit like, what are you trying to make me into a fucking girl? And you become funny. And people go, hey, you're funny because you're not doing all the girl stuff. You go, oh, thanks. And then you get into comedy because so many people are being like, you're the funny one because you're defensive with your like, what are you fucking gay?

I'm not going to hang out with you. And that's why I think comics are the ball buster. I never liked being girlish. I never, I went to an all-girls Catholic high school. We wore uniforms and we were kind of asexualized. Yeah. At those really pivotal years where I probably should have been trying to attract boys, it was like, nope, just shut it down.

Just shut it down. Just wear a fucking button-down uniform. Yeah. You know? That's hot, though. Button-down uniform. It's gay. That is hot.

You know who I'm gay for, Katie Taylor, the boxer. Oh, let's look up. Really? Yeah. You like her? Do you know what I'm talking about? The Irish one who fights for the lard. Yeah, yeah. Whoa. I fight for the lard. Whoa. Look at this. For the lard. I fight for the lard. Jesus Christ is driving everyone.

Yeah, she had those epic fights against, was it Serrano? Yeah. Beat her ass. Oh, yes. That's right. I love Serrano too. Serrano's great. Serrano's great. Yeah. Those fights were epic, too. But I just want to look like her when I really think about it. Like the idea of her kissing me is crazy, but I want to look like her. You want to look like her? Yeah. You sure about that?

I know, I know it's fucked up, but I do. Look at her fucking guns, dude. You want to look like somebody that's ready to throw down at any side? Yeah, yeah, yeah. With a neck that's fucking wider than your head. Her neck is crazy. Her neck is literally destroyed Serrano's career single-handedly. Yeah, I don't want to look like her.

I don't know. No, she's ripped though. That's what you want to be. You want to be jacked? Like super jacked? I don't want to be gym rat jacked, but I want to be, I want to be your jacked. My jacked? Yeah, but I don't want to be Rogan jacked.

Oh, right, right. Like you want to be like, oh, I have some fitness in my life. Yeah. But not. I want to be leeing jacked. Yeah, that's cool. You know what I want to be? I figured it out.

I love being the example. Thanks. That's nice, right? Yeah, thanks. You look for a woman's crazy. I have to talk to you about that. That's is my number one question I've had forever. Did it piss you off so much when he got ripped?

that would piss me off I don't know it would annoy me him just going out in the world ripped after being a fat boy having him caged up as a fat boy is so sick you think so

why why is it what's the I'm like a very jealous crazy person of course yes oh okay okay okay so him being a fat boy people are like

yeah being the one who's people are like why are you with that guy that's what I like and then him getting ripped would piss me off. Oh, that's so true, because you're, because I was like better than him, right? You're still better than him.

That's sweet. Thank you so. Okay. You talk out of your side of your mouth. It's so, it's the hottest thing ever. Thank you. Have people tell you that? No, but the side of the mouth thing?

That's so sweet. It's the best, right? He never tells me these things. This is why. No, they don't know how to say things. I'm like, fix your fucking mouth. Yeah. Open the other side.

He puts me down, which feels good. That's good. That's good. That's what we like. Right. You guys are just the fucking same. Yeah. I love you so.

Can I tell you what, okay, true, don't listen. The one thing that I do get a little annoyed with, and this is all male comics, especially the Austin ones, it's the, you know, the talk about, did you cold plunge, bro? Oh, you're sick of that. You gotta get into cold plunge. Right, and you're like, I remember when you were Totsie Rollboy. Can you sauna?

Bro, do you even sauna, bro? What about kettle, if you fucking lifting? And hearing them brag about, how come I'm not cold plunging? Because I'm a woman. I don't want a cold plunge. It doesn't excite me. The pain is in my. body already. I've had two children. I don't need to do these things to myself. It's in your

heart also. The period. Yeah, I don't need it. Yeah, totally. He needs to hurt himself. And that they love hurting themselves. It makes them think that they're young. Is that what that is? I think it's a cling, right? Don't you think that? It's something. It's something where you're like, I'm you need to suffer. Yeah, yeah. You need to suffer. Why is the suffering? You know what's so funny. So before you got here, any was saying that what makes a man gay is joy and being, silly and joyful and enjoying things makes him gay and I think I agree with that. When a guy's too happy you're like

this guy's gay. That's true. Are you smiling so much? Yeah, why are you smiling all the time? That's true. It's not fair that you can say the N-word like that. It sounds so much better when he does that. Go ahead. You can say it. No, I'm not going to say it. I just got dragged on the internet for saying a bad word. What'd you say? I was saying

it in a good way. I was saying that when people say the word T-R-A-N-N-Y that that is a thing that means to me it's so antiquated that it sounds like they're just saying drag queen like that's what I think of when people refer but they clipped it and made it look like I was saying that word

just throwing it out there and being like and those people are just in drag that's what they clipped in and I got dragged isn't that crazy dude where did you say it? I said it on Stavi's podcast and Stavi's all fucking woke ass little bitch ass and he was like Jordan whoa and I was like

dude I get that you were on Comtown for years and you have to undo that but please cut me some slack here I do love him though people want to me to be mad at him but I love him no he's great wait so why do you like to the suffering what is this shit I will say I like a cold

punch I like a cold punch because of the inflammation you know what you are you're a gender traitor oh my god you're a gender traitor that should be the name of your next fucking special that gender traitor that's what I call I call many people that really yeah yeah I call many people that

I call many, I think I called Robbie Hoffman a gender traitor because they were like, I don't care what you identify me as, but you can choose what you want. I'm like, just say women so that you're a cool woman. We need more cool women. Dude, for years. She is like the only fucking American I've met who has like, still doesn't understand the game of football. Right? So whenever I'm watching football.

And there's a sideline reporter that's a woman, she'll be like, look at this fucking gender traitor. I get that. I get that. I don't like that they're, I don't like that they're. I don't like that they're with their tendrils and they're, well, I'm here on the sidelines. Like, they know football. But I view a gender traitor sometimes

is also people who are too feminine and like women who get giant lip fillers and fake tits. I'm like gender traitor. Really? I've never heard it that way. Because you have to age, we have to age like Native American chiefs altogether. We have to go one, two, three, no more gooey, gooey gum drops.

And they have to learn. You guys have to learn to fuck our tiny little weird mouths and holes. Yeah. And so sometimes when people are too, Oh, that's true. I know what you're saying. When it's taken to the absurd level, they have to learn to like our wrinkled pussies and our wrinkled mouths and you fuck this tiny little hole. I agree with you. Totally. I get it. I'm going to stop doing all this shit to my

fucking face now. Are you doing face stuff? What do you got going? The fact that you have to ask is really nice. That's good. I had a brow lift. I want that. Yeah, you don't need it yet. You're years away. You look great. You don't need anything. Yeah, Philzies and Botox and a Fillsies, where's the Filsies? Lips, cheeksies. Yours doesn't look like it at all. I never would have guessed. That's really good.

That means subtle. That means it's subtle. What about the lip flip? Not the flip. I will not do the flip. What's the flip? It looks terrible. It looks terrible.

It does. You know, people have accused me of lip filler, and it's only because I have beautiful full lips. Isn't that crazy? That's crazy. That's crazy. Especially when it's... But you're not doing anything.

You're just doing peptides and working out? Yeah. Yeah, he doesn't do. Do people accuse you of us M. Yeah, of course. That sucks. But I also tried to, like, I did it, I did a fast. I did a five-day fast. And then I went from that to shoot a movie. And I was trying to tell, like, it's like, it's all circumstances. When you finish a fast, they're like, hey, when you go back to eating, start eating small, right? Like, you don't go from not eating to like stuff. And I just so happened to end the fast, start shooting a movie. And in a movie, if you're like in all these scenes, you're always like, yeah, I don't want to eat too much. So I was like eating the way. Oh, so you kept fasting.

Well, I just start eating like these like regular like small portions for six weeks. And then I kept losing weight. Oh, you basically fasted and then you did. See, this is what I mean. When I did the movie, I was in a movie. I was in a movie. I was in a movie. I was in a movie.

I was in a movie. She's in a movie. She's in a fuck out of here. He's the biggest thing in the world. I know. He's very anthem. What is, is it out? Is it coming out soon?

December 19th. Oh my gosh. Can we say what it's called? Did you kiss him? It's called. He's so cute. Is this thing on. And I'm not allowed to talk about it.

Okay. Don't talk about it. I'm not allowed to talk about anything. He looks so good. He's had good work done, yeah? Yeah. I don't know if he's, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Really? Yeah, he's got a great work. But on that set, nobody was eating. I ate everything. Oh, you did? They were like, just like, nobody was eating. Everybody was nibbling. I was like, give me everything.

Oh, this is so cool. Yeah. Oh, I'm so excited. That's going to be good. Laura Dern's in it. Oh, I love Laura Dern. Look at that. Amy Sideras!

She rolls. Did you get to know her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm obsessed with Amy Sederis. Jordan Jensen. Where's her picture? Where? She's like, I'm casual.

I did not choose that picture. Oh, you didn't choose this one? What is Swampi? Who's Swampi? Who swanmi? I didn't meet her. Swampo? Swampo?

Intense. Headshot, too. Swanme Sampayo. Oh, she's a Brazilian. foreign. Dude, I'll just don't. Yesterday, because to celebrate the special, I said that I was going to have ice cream and I went too hard. How hard you go?

Cookie dough mixed in with the toasted marshmallow ice cream and chocolate fudge in. Both times that I went to Ian's place to do your guys' podcast. You've gone sick-o-mode. I've gone sick. I've gotten sick. Yeah. Yeah, with that chicken sandwich. God damn it.

You loved it, though. It was worth it. It was the fucking best, dude. Yeah. The best. Look at this honey-ass dog. Look at this shit. I love this dog.

Isn't she the best? Yeah. You're on camera. She met so many famous people she never even knows. She's playing with Rogan yesterday. Are you super stoked to have your special out? Like, are you excited? No.

No? Not at all. Nothing feels good. No? Bro, I mean, it's miserable. Yeah. I'm so upset about getting dragged on Twitter. I'm so upset about the breakup.

Well, you broke up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you didn't say that. Dude, every time I see you, it's either a break, like it's on and off constantly. It's always on and off. But it's off. It's off. And I'm fucking.

How long has it been off now? I don't know. A couple weeks. This is the standard. No, but it sucks, dude. I thought I would be like glowing and, I mean, the ice cream helped. The ice cream's great. But no, I'm sleepy.

I have a question. Yes? But when you break up, can you have sex with new people? That seems like. I don't have sex. I don't sex. I don't sex with the people. I can't do it.

I can't get myself out of bro mode into sex mode. Wow. We need to chat. What, you be, you'd be sex in? Well, I mean, I'm like, I'm like permanent. Yeah, breast cancer But, but... Just what alcohol

Just drink alcohol She's just like, booze it up And fuck some guy on the streets You know? Yeah, but then you fuck them Here's what happens You go, I gotta get over this And you fuck somebody

And then you wake You come to halfway through Not like out of a blackout But just in lucidity And you realize there's some pig on you Humping you and you go Who is this for? Who is this for?

Me? Because I'm not gonna come. That's true. You know? Yeah. Sure. Sure. And we want you to come, dude.

It's one of the big things we were talking about. I hope Jordan comes. Yeah. And it's like, then you just realize you're... You know what the problem is, dude? You're too mature. No, you're just not meeting the right guys. I feel like we could just introduce you to some guys and then maybe you would change your mind.

Cold punch guys? No. Okay. Wait, but what do you... But that's kind of, that's the guy you should be fucking. Hold on. Is that even though the cold punch talk annoys me and the VR talk, you know, like, stuff are you a VR guy down yes

he's fighting in wars and Fallujah babe dude I haven't even no they gave me one for Christmas two years ago I haven't even seen that thing well yeah I was not gonna leave my guys fucking behind yeah okay I get that so yeah I was on ships and like it was fucking that's crazy

but you do want to have relationships and sex with alpha guys like like that like is this guy like kind of like a beta guy I don't know what the fuck she's talking you're like you're soft alpha you're not like a jerk alpha you are soft alpha he is he is a soft alpha what does that even mean it's it means that you're dominant yeah but you're not a doucheback okay you're a masculine yeah you'll stand up you'll stand up

if somebody does something wrong to you you'll be like don't do that yes that's good yeah right right won't you say you will yeah fuck yeah I'm an alpha I'm a strong man no definitely not doing that you're not going to drag me on that all right let me Let me just, like, let's get you some men to consider, okay? All right. They have to be, like, borderline. They have to be, like, pretty, like, Irish Catholic. Okay.

Pretty shut down emotion. All right. I got a few for you. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Hello.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I talk to you, please, girl? Life feels like hell without a girlfriend. Someone to talk to, always think about to make me a better person and to bring the best out of me this guy needs a green card so bad to enjoy the best for ever young years together

for ever young years to drink have passionate and hardcore sex every day and every night yeah dude hardcore sex I think he has a mixture of lyrics he's reading from there's nothing wrong with being horny girl

it's part of life everyone's different I get horny fast girl What? I got a thick and pink dick It gets hard like a rock girl I want you a jacket off baby And kiss my naked of your girl

And I'll kiss your naked of your two girl And play with your hair girl Whoa whoa And grab my hands on your thighs baby And rub it up and down Here's the deal If that's a bit He's my husband

It's not a bit You know what I mean Yes I know exactly If it was Incredible It's incredible It's incredible Like the guy who does

You've seen the guy Who puts his bare feet up behind him And he goes Hello princess That guy is doing a bit Yeah, you love it. I'd marry him, yeah. Because he's able to do that.

He was real. He's around, right? That guy is reading R&B lyrics. He's just listening to rap in his weird car, buying fucking whatever Mercedes jewelry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and just trying to get a wife so he can stay in America so he can keep his bodega open.

Do you like Persian guys? Because that's, I think, what this is. Yeah, he's Glendale Gary. No, I like the rugs they make, but that's exclusively it. Okay. All right, well, let's pivot. My vagina's pretty racist. Is it?

I'm not. I love all people, but my vagina. Like Irish, Catholic, anything else? That's pretty much all I've ever done. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I know it's really bad. That's it? Really?

You've only done weddings? You've never sampled another flavor? I've sampled, but in relationships, it's always Irish, Catholic, raised to keep their feelings inside. You like that. And they cry single tears. Hold on. You were raised by two women. Wasn't like feelings talk a big thing amongst the three of you?

it was my mom is a dad and my dad is a dad and you know what I mean so it was two dads basically because one's a bull dyke and one's a man and then the mothers were disrespected

the other mother was like she's emotional and I'd be like yeah she's a fucking dumb dyke you know so I was taught to not respect the emotions because my mom was the swaggy one

my mom was cool as hell my mom met Tom and like blew him off yeah she was awesome she was like talking She was like talking about something and he comes over and I'm like oh my god Mom is gonna get all Twitter pitted because she loves you And she came over and she's like yeah and then the fucking the fucking iran conflict over here

Listen to me I was like she didn't pivot she wasn't at all like oh Tom hello She just kept ranting It was great yeah she was great she's great All right how about this guy this is a different guy Okay I've been on here I've been polite and kind of been Honest and sincere Yeah I'd like to have some right on my lips

I would like to have some tities around my face I would like to have some sex I like to have a woman in my home yeah in my home look at the screen on his computer

is a woman it's Rachel Maddow he likes Rachel he's progressive they get themselves off and then oops they don't care about their partner oh I'll make you calm see

last lady 10 15 times before I even went to boom one oh maybe I am gay dude this is pulling me in the opposite direction really brutal really yeah really just the idea that this is the inner monologue of most men just a quiet old man going I want nookie yeah I want kitties on my titties on my face and on my wheelies yeah is really like that's just behind all of your Cold plunding is just a creepy guy in glasses going, I want pussy. That's in every man's. I know. I can see that.

I can see the way the fish eyes. I would like to have some tithes in my mouth. I don't like his gross exaggeration that I just picked up on and we watched him. He goes, oh, I made her come 15 times. We can't even do that. We can't even do that. Honestly, we can't. I've seen it.

So you've seen it. a porn where she said, watch me come 15 times. Hey, you 15 guys, you're going to make me come each one of the time. Yes. Okay, so that guy you're passing on. Yeah. Well, shit. That's kind of a bummer.

I know, I thought I like that. I'll make this brief. It's John why you Shipman. I'm looking for girls for pussy. I love to eat pussy. Okay. Okay.

He looks a little Irish. If you're in a fat guys, you're looking for some action, you live in Missouri. Please. Where did you sign? Call me. Please. Oh, wow. Text me.

At 163. I like the way he's talking with his mouth like this. I built a sex swing time machine out of beef jerky. See? Wait. Sex swing time time machine out of beef jerky? Yeah. My name's John.

Call me. John. At one five. John's kind of close to what I'm into. Do you like ambitious men? Yeah. You do? Sex swing out of jerky?

Yeah, that's pretty impressive. But like a guy that really has like, you know, like high aspirations like this other guy. Hello, my name is Matthew Garapik and I'm a candidate for president in 2032. As you may know already, I'm looking for a woman to impregnate. Must be 18 years older and no more than 145 pounds. Jesus. I'm looking primarily for a white or a Spanish woman. So far, dude.

If you feel like you have a chance at becoming one of the lucky ladies that will be my first lady when I run for president in 232, please email an application of some photos and where you're from to Garipick, 232 First Lady at gmail.com. I'll have my staff reach out to you if you seem to be a good fit. I like this. Remember, in 2032, the vote for Matthew Garepick for president. Let's go. He's setting his boundaries. He knows what he wants. He does know what he wants.

And we already have a... We have a profile for you that we're going to email in. Really? Yeah, if you sign off on it, yeah. Okay, great. You got photos. We got like where you lit... Yeah, just to see if maybe...

I'm on Raya. You are? Nightmare. Is it? Yeah. Tell us about it. It's fucking... I'll show...

Oh, I can't show. You're doing this, too? I know. Gender traitor. We're such a gender. Wait a minute. Tell us about Raya. It's...

Dude, who would ever want to date a guy with a headshot? you know what I mean it's brutal and he has to have one he does a headshot yeah yeah from doing yeah but these are guys like with photography photos that are not even actors oh yeah oh oh I thought they were had they had to be actors they're like they're like can I show yeah yeah yeah I thought they had to be show business people we just won't we won't put them on blast but we'll look they're like I think they can't be on blast because they're names well you know I mean we're not going to show the camera right like it won't load because there's no service in here but they're like they're they're too they're beautiful and they know they're beautiful and the photos that have been taken of them are to show that they're beautiful this I don't like I don't like it when a man knows he's attractive that's the most unattractive quality it's brutal hinge is great for me it's just a bunch of dirt bags but I can't be on hinge now wait a minute you just got through telling us though that like I don't want just to like meet somebody and bang them right so are you're are you saying you're using these for the potential of a long term or You are.

Okay. Yeah. But you're just going to reconnect with your... I'm not. Yeah, you are. I'm not. That's the last time. That is not the last time.

It's the last time. How many times is it? What about this? How many times is it? Nine or so? Really? It's a lot. You guys are talking?

It's a totally lost count. Yeah. It's a lot. What if I give you something if I do? Like I have to... Yeah. Can we do something like that? That would actually help me.

All right. Oh my God. Dude. This is fucked up. one time, I lost her in the woods and I told my dead dad that if he returned her I would never talk to him again. I did talk to him again.

Oh, you're dead. But she was returned. But then I talked to him again. You did talk to. Oh, she's going Chinese. I love when she goes Chinese, man. That's also going to get you dragged. What?

She's going to full my... Miyazaki. No, what's the guy's name from Karate Kid? Miyagi. Miyagi. This is Miyagi doggie. May I ask you, what causes... If you can give me

broad strokes. What causes the breakups? If it's a repetitive... It's just an avoidant. It's just avoidant. It's just, we just get to a certain place and he goes, nope, too much. And then it gets too emotionally close. You guys are too close. He gets scared. It's like everything's fine. And then all of a sudden I'm like, hey, I could, I, I, I, there's a need that I have. And he goes, this is a little bit too much for me. And I go, well, this is a relationship. And he goes, well, I don't even know if I want a relationship. But I was like, well, we're in a relationship. And then it gets, it's just an avoidant. He's just a, and I'm anxious. So the more he, he, he, pulls away instead of being like you take your space I'll talk to you a few days I go

is everything okay and he goes anything you know it's the classic someone and it's addicting and then it resets yeah yeah yeah so next week when you guys are together again yeah I have to we need to do like a deal what's our deal going to be like a thousand dollars or something no no no you make too much I already know fuck it's nothing to you the dog is good yeah what about you give me something something if I make it a year. A year? Yeah.

What do I give you? Something good. Something good. Your wife. Sure. What do you got? You got something good? You got something good?

I got some good stuff. Really? Yeah. I'm trying to think of... Watch. I want to watch. Oh, that's good. You want like a fucking drill bit.

Yeah. So how about I buy you a crazy tool set? That would be pretty good. Yeah. Okay, just how about, even if you just say there'll be a prize if I make it a year. There'll be a prize. That'll help. Wait, do you really want to watch?

Yeah. I could see you rock at a cool watch. Yeah. I love when you have watches. I just don't, I don't know what watch to get. I got one was stupid. What'd you get? One from Psycho.

Seco. Yeah. I like it. Wait, do you like a metal bracelet or do you like a leather or rubber strap? Metal. You like metal? Yeah. I know what you should get.

Really? Yeah, we'll talk about it off here. Okay, so you get me that in here. I'm poor. So yeah, we'll talk about it. Okay, great. Are you into carpentry? Yeah, yeah.

You really are? I mean, I did it for so long that now I'm fucking not. I did it as a job so much that now when people are like, help me build it. I'm like, oh, fuck yourself. You can legit build things like bookshelves and stuff? Yeah. They're not great. They're not like or innate, you know, they're not like that.

But I can build you a bookshelf. We're looking for a year. You're going to take a year off. Dude, if there's a- Hold on. You've got to say it. I will go a year if there's a prize. There's a prize.

There's a good prize. Really? Yeah. substantial. Do you think a year's too long? Should we set it? No. Oh, you like the year. Yeah, let's not reduce the time. Okay. What's the date? September 9th, my special came out. That's how we'll remember. Okay. Damn. So you're telling me we're looking at next fall. I, if I keep doing this, I will die. I know you will. You saw me. We were off stage. I'm in his little fucking baby bed. What was that thing called? The coffin in the tour. What's that thing called where we sleep in the tour? In the tour. bus. Oh, just bunks. One of the

bunk. Crying in the tour bus. Your little cute video editor guard find me in the green room. I'm about to do a fucking arena with Tom Sigora.

Best day ever. Yesterday, best day ever fucking dealing with X-da. It's crazy. He's got to stop. It only leads to bad things. It makes me miserable.

He's my best friend. I love him so much. But as a relationship, it does not work. He rules. He's so funny. I would never say any negative things about him. But we are fire and water.

We are oil and water. Whatever the things are bad. In this one. year you could meet somebody who was emotionally available to you like because i need like a year i think to just be jordan because i've been spending my whole life chasing boys you know i know i know it's crazy it's too long it's like well i was like i always like i always tell ladies not tom so just don't listen like when he drops dead i'm not even no no no no no no no you use his money to do fun things well yeah but like i don't know who these these i see these women on instagram that are my age and

are like newly divorced and their posies are on fire and they have got multiple kids and they're like I'm out dating and having sex it's like why do you want to even aren't you done yeah you've already had the kids you're menopause yeah when are you gonna just shut it down it's crazy just stop it's because they're stunted emotionally I think oh like my mom is like I'm never fucking again that's crazy I have two pit bulls just not go with me at night I'm good and that's nice yeah that's where I want to do that. You're at a mohawk. My best friend growing up had a mohawk and I just had the short hair, green hair. Yeah. But I never did a full mohawk. I feel like that's something you should do at some point. At some point? Maybe you should do it this year. Yeah, maybe during a year. But my hair is like

the only thing I have is this is my lustrous hair. You have great hair. That's really fucked up right now. You've got great tattoos, great arms. Thanks. You're very good shape. This. Chinese dog. Chinese dog. Yeah. What am I? Yeah, no, I want to spend a year fucking just being... Rop, rap. Yeah. That's her.

That's her barking. Yeah. That is her barking. That's how she barks. She goes, hey, one the year. Oh, no. Yeah. She loves it.

I'm really excited for my watch in a year. Yeah. Year passes fast in comedy. It does. Fast. I already haven't picked out for you, too. Really? Yes.

Okay. I'm super excited. If we stay broken up. No, like, getting back together, but then breaking up. You have to be honest about it. I will. I will. What about sexes if they make sex?

What do you mean? If we make sex together. Oh, if they make sex to do that. Because I consider getting back together. I don't do. You got to define getting back. I do either. We're not going to have sex with me.

All right. All right. Yeah. I believe her. I believe her. And she probably will be thrilled with her new boyfriend. Hey, how you all doing me? Yes.

Christ. Are these dating? Fuck. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. I'm feeling that. Look here.

Y'all miss that ball? Huh? I feel like I know this guy. I'm coming at your fat age. Yeah. I feel like this guy works at the comedy's healthy. It doesn't matter if you got a big booty or a flat booty. I'm coming and get that booty.

And look, I want to lick them drawers. I like drawers saying drawers instead of pussy. I love that. All the beautiful women. I don't give a damn where you from. Let me put my tongue in your head And let me say with that no new Using every other word to describe body parts

And then saying I want to stick my ear to have Yeah, look, I want to dig in your booty Okay So that could, he I know personally Really? Yeah, I could actually link you up You know that guy? I do. I went to visit him

For real Okay And he's really nice guy He looks really nice He wants to stick the tongue in dad ass. Yeah, and he'll put ice cream in it. Really?

Yeah, corn chips. That's nice. At the same time. Can we show her like some fun TikToks or something else? You need to be cleansed. Yeah, it feels so dirty. Look at the princess guy. How do we look that guy up?

The princess guy? Hello, princess. How do we look that guy up? He'll love him. Can you find him? Hello, princess. Hello princess. Cringe princess.

Hello, princess. I can't believe you guys. There he is. Oh, you guys are amazing. Oh, princess You're walking mighty findings What's the occasion Or do you like to just give

Daddy random elections If that's the case Clapping the feet I can tell this guy I can tell him off camera It rules Why don't you date this guy They will

I think he's good Oh my God He's so good at being bad It's awful yeah That's so good That is a skill That is good The feet clamping.

And he does it in every video? He does that character. But I found one that's just him being normal. Yeah. And it's not that guy. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Oh. The feet clapping. How about this guy? I'm so brilliant. Americans, I do a lot of hard work out here. This is more what I'm in.

This has nothing to do with the little. That's Tim Dillon. He's one of the best chicks I ever had of my life hanging out with me. And we were never boyfriend and girlfriend. My other chariot like that. We were fuck partners Yeah, sure And we took it an hour to time

Is what I told her Go an hour to time So what I'm looking for now Oh my God It's like 100 to 110 pound Oh my god Bigged Real beautiful fucking tiny ass

With almost Before looking big boobs Yeah you and every other man alive I'm more of an ass man I went to the little ass Oh my god Dude he's the man

It's so scary He's a pretty Anyways That's what I'm looking for This is fucked up This guy's rad He's a pretty aggressive guy It's so fucked up

You know That's crazy that that How do you feel that guy being a part of your gender i feel great that i we don't have that we have some scary girls we have some scary girls but they're not there i feel like there's so many more cool guys than there are cool girls do you know what i'm saying like there's more of these dirt bags on the internet it's rare when we find a woman yeah it's a special occasion yeah yeah do you how do you feel that the majority of your representatives are just bad it's a total acceptance you know it's just like

one of those things where you go like i get it you know like dogs bark you know like you're go, like, yeah, we're filled with... You're so much closer to chimpanzees than us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You really are closer. And guys are, you know, we're... We are what ruins life. Like, we're the provokers, we're violent.

War. Kill stuff. Killing stuff. I hate when people say female relationships, every comic does this. They'll be like, females are so much more catty in their relationships. And I'm like, there might be inter-turmoyle, but we solve it quickly and then are closer than ever, whereas you guys just stab each other. to death.

Oh, that's over. We get in the girls' bathroom. We go, what the fuck did you say to me when he said that thing? And we go, you're a fucking bitch.

She's that fucking, and then we deal with it on Coke later. Yeah. But you guys, it's just a shank, silent, and it's over.

And that's worse to me. Yeah, it gets misdirection. But guys also, I feel like, like women who have arguments with other women, see,

I don't think a lot of times it's over. They go like, she's a bitch, da, da, tell everybody about it. But also, like, I hate her

forever whereas guys sometimes like the battle blah about sometimes there's a punch thrown something and then they're like it's all good we're good you know he's right about that i think they accept each other as they are more than women do because they'll be friends with people that suck as people and they're like yeah that's just what that guy is that's who that guy is but whereas women i wouldn't be friends with a piece of shit you know what i mean guys are more willing to be friends with pieces of shit yeah yeah that's true and then you just know that's a guy for this space now In other words, there's guys that I'm friends with who I would have never have at my house. Yeah.

You know, I'm like, yeah, you can't fucking bring that guy to the house. Yeah, it's fucking out of his mind. Yeah, totally. But I'm still like, oh, that's a good friend of mine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that kind of shit. Right. You're like, that guy's totally not someone to bring around.

We have friends like that, though. We have friends who are like, oh, she's a complete sociopath soul sucker. True. We are getting our nails done together. Yeah. True. Yeah, maybe. You compartmentalize.

We all do it. But they're not in close circle. They're not in my clothes. No. You said you wanted an alpha male, right? Check out how this guy handled the situations. This man's social skills, Greyhound is about that of about a retard. Where's the Greyhound bus is?

I love him so much. That's my husband. Yeah. I think that guy would be great. This guy just stepped up on Americans like he was going to hit me because I asked him some questions. Take a look at him. Oh, shit. Here he comes again.

Step away from me. Sounds like Chris Farley talking. Yeah, he does. Yeah. It's just meth. I like that. I like when people get mad in public. Me too.

It's one of my favorite lanes. That's the best. Yeah. I get mad in public a lot and I like when people will back me up on it. It's kind of nice. Yeah. All right. You want to show her,

what you've curated? Please. So are you on TikTok? I can't take the cool guys. I have somebody who posts on TikTok. Right. But if you've ever like kind of spent time looking around, your algorithm gets built by what you like and look for.

Yeah. And so a lot of people is it's kind of nice. It's like, oh, here's some kids putting together. a dance routine to this pop hit. Yes, yes. And then Christina has a different mind. Yeah. He doesn't understand, and you understand this because you studied philosophy. I like to

identify and highlight the marginalized communities. That makes sense. People that are not normally represented in everyday culture and society. Yeah, you like to find the underbelly of society. The outliers if you will. That makes sense. The people who are going to change the world. All right, here you go. Want to see some outliers?

Really? Today, being retarded means leading a full life. Retarded people go to work or school just like the neighbors. This is kind of an old school banger, you know? Yeah. A supervised home, right in the neighborhood. Yes.

Being retarded never stopped anyone from being a good neighbor. Don't you miss the days when retarded people were more integrated into society like this? Yeah, I do. When they had whole houses to themselves? Yeah, it's so cool.

We had a retard house on our block. You did? Full of retards, walk by every day. They'd be like, and you'd be like, yeah they'd let them out for walks and stuff it was awesome that's awesome but where are they where are the retarded people now I feel like they're hidden I think they're doing open mics they're doing a lot of comedy they're at that mothership yeah totally yeah there's definitely some retarded people some of them are doing very well yeah they're doing really really well that guy sold out

the weekend that's crazy totally good good hi you all know who I am it's Friday afternoon here you all know other places Friday night four Saturday morning or Saturday afternoon even so yeah we understand have a good week and everyone bye for now I have seen that guy yeah I love that he just explained how there's time zones like sometimes it's Friday here and he got off he he hit it and then it said do you want to like clip it up a little bit maybe I had a caption he goes yeah of course and then he uploaded it waited while TikTok was open for it to upload and went I did that it's perfect that's good that's what I want it's crazy but also like I just think it's so annoying to like who are

to tell me to have a good weekend like you're telling me well I don't need it from you to have a good week have a good weekend's like who fuck are you I hate that don't tell me to have I do hate that but I know you love when somebody goes hey how come you're not smiling that's my that's the best I love that and I don't get mad at all I don't yell things I don't yell I don't go well who the fuck are you what are you my fucking dad even my dad wouldn't even fucking say that what are you the smile fucking I hate that so much this guy the other day he goes he goes what's up baby and I went like this and he goes don't look so mad and I was like don't say dumb fucking shit and my friend was like Jordan stop that's like a massive man I get so mad dude yeah I get so

mad some boom and forget though that big crazy guys will sometimes act out you know oh yeah happens a lot I've had many friends be like you have no idea if that guy has a gun yeah yeah I've gotten spit on that was when I learned my lesson wait where did you get spit on I was there was somebody in a car that like laid there the other day I fucking like three days ago, I uppercut a guy's mirror. But then, you know, it sucked. It just did the like, yeah. It just went in.

Why did you uppercut his mirror? Because we were, it was in Manhattan. We're walking through a fucking crosswalk. All these people have, sometimes you make the decision like, hey, there's a lot of people and we're just going to push. Yeah. And he just started rolling forward into my body. So I just stood in front of his car and he kept rolling forward.

So then I went around and just punched his mirror, thinking I would break it, forgetting that they go in. And then I punched. punched it. It went in. So then I punched it a few more times. Still didn't break. It was like, well, I'm going to walk away. Walked away, went and sat down because I was shaking. Old couple comes up to me and they're like, hey, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, that was embarrassing. I'm really upset that all of fucking Manhattan just saw me do that. And they were like, we're on your side. That was, he was crazy. And I was like, thank you.

Yeah. It was so sweet. Wait, wait. When did you get spit on? That's a different time? The spitting was, I was, I mean, it happens all the time. But I was, there was somebody, oh, I was on a bike and somebody was, maybe it was the motorcycle. bike or motorcycle and some guy was in my way or no he was pulling into the bike lane like he was weaving into the bike lane and his window was down and i was like what do you a fucking piece of shit like something like that and he just and i was like and i got to my friend chloe's house and was like i have to shower for 11 years right now i think that but see what you're describing to is new york city crazy which really is a specific brand and flavor yeah you don't get it everywhere L.A. has it hardcore. L.A.'s got car to car rage.

Car to car rage. You will fucking, you fucking, then you'll, you guys will like, I angled off once, like, to get into a lane with a guy. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, but physical stuff doesn't happen as much, right? In L.A., wouldn't you argue? I feel like that's in New York, because you're outside. In L.A., you are not in touch physically with as many people. That annoys me so much. In New York, you are with humanity.

Like, your shoulder to shoulder. I just was in L.A. and they lay on the horn, hits green. I'm driving a stick shift, okay? I get that I said motorcycle and stick shift in a lot in one sentence, okay? But I, so I have to put it in gear to go.

Every fucking time I put it in gear, there's the person, some behind me with a giant Stanley Cup and key chains on her thing. And I'm like, if you're in New York, you get shot right now. You'd never be able to lay on a horn that long. Lay on a horn like that is gang violence.

People are very, very, yeah, open with the horn. So then I would, every time I would just sit at the light if they lay on the horn. And I would just wait until the turn. I was in the valley, and I was at the left-hand turning lane, right? So you're going to turn left at a light. Okay. The car in front of me has an overweight man in a convertible.

Nice. And then there's a car in front of him that's in the intersection. You follow? Yeah. The convertible big guy lays on the horn. Yeah. Okay. The car that's in front makes the turn, then the big guy, then me.

The car that's in the very front kind of lingers. And the big guy in the convertible turns into the bank. And then I watched the guy that was in front go around. And I was going to the bank. So I pull into the bank. So now I'm seeing this whole thing unfold. What happened? Slapping.

The guy that got honked at steps out of his car. He's like 6'4 black dude, sunglasses on. He's got a chick in the passenger seat. He just walks over to the guy in the guy. the fat guy in the miata. Fat guy in the little coat. He was like, who the fuck you honking at?

You fat fuck? Yes, yes. And the guy just sat there and was like, bah. Yes. And then I was like, this dude,

like you just feel like you're about to watch a beat down or something. And he just, he goes, just stay miserable, you fat fuck. Yes, dude. And then he just got in his car and drove

and that guy was just like, he just sat there for a minute and I was like, I got to go make a deposit. That's so sick. Yeah, yeah. But I watched the whole thing unfold. I love that.

That woman sucked the shit out of his cock later. You think so? Yeah. Or do you think she's like, it's always scary when you do that. When you pull into places and threaten people, it scares me. Yeah, you're right. She was probably like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's more about what you think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think a lot of women would be like, this was terrifying. But not the peaceful protest, I really like. Yeah, yeah. Stay miserable is so sick. I remember he said it. Oh, my God. And he said you enjoy it.

Like something like you stay in your miserable, fat, fuck life, you know. Wow. I respect that. I like that a lot. I like words. I do like, I'd rather have words. A harsh word. And I yell down.

Big word. Which I would never say. Yes. And if it is, but that's what happened. That's a video of me. Yeah, yeah. That's me on stage getting dragged because an intrusive thought took over. Uh-huh.

Yeah. I totally get what that woman's going through. Also, let's just say, she said I would never say something. She said it perfectly. perfectly with the slang iteration of it, you know? I wonder what this is in relation to. I love that. I got to know this back.

I know that feeling so well. We just blurt something out and you're like, no. She was at Freak Fest. She didn't know it was happening that week. And she was like, oh, shit, this sucks. They took over the hotel and that's what she got mad at. I love how that's what happened? No, I said, no, okay, okay.

Can we see it again? Sure. It's so surprised. And I yell don't digiz shit, which I would never say. that's awesome but that's what happened I love the defeated that's what happened

you can't defend herself I know all about that I say shit all the time just because my brain is like what are you fucking oh yeah of course you're a comedian

that's what happens dude it's crazy it's impulse control and then here's the thing you don't you when they go to someone goes why would you say that they don't realize

that it's currency in other words sometimes when you say the impulsive, totally wrong thing, it's so funny. It's so that you go, oh, sometimes I should just let this thing fly, right? And then you go, oh, I guess not all the time.

Yeah, and then you feel a shame when it's, and words ain't shit. Yeah. When you say the wrong thing, and then you're like, I didn't need to. And then you do a documentary about it. Yeah. There was one time where I fucking.

It's amazing. And also, whenever this was filmed, why was she saying that in relation to that? That's what I got to know. Not knowing the story is. Can you guys look up the back story? Yeah. Was it a carnival cruise?

Why did she do this? How did she know to put those words together? That's my question. Yeah. Yeah, that's not an old person expression. No, not at all. Are you sure it's ain't shit or eat shit? No, ain't shit.

You think she knew the phrasing? That's what I'm saying. This looks old. I know, it's old. It's like, I don't even think she was listening to the rap music that taught it to her. No, I don't, I don't, maybe we're hearing it wrong. It's possible that it's dubbed over. Is it A.I?

Is it dubbed over? Yeah, it could be dubbed over. I heard it just fine. Yeah. maybe just one more time what did you hear any oh she said it she said nigs ain't shit and it's definitely from rap

what is can I just get just do you can I ask you this what do you think the story is for her saying like what is your imagination of what the context of the story might be she was angry at black people no way loud so why would you say ain't shit

but ain't shit is like she was trying to think I think that she wanted to say something that was reasonable that wasn't super racist she's like what do they say you know yeah yeah but how would she know that phrase yeah it was on the radio

you think she was like do you think the stories maybe she was like I was at Applebee's I was trying to get my meal and then this group of them were being very distracting and I was like and then they called me a bitch and then I was like y'all ain't shit like something like because black people don't like Applebee

you know what I'm seeing it's Outback Steakhouse or Chili's it probably was there was There was many, there was black people yelling at her for something. She's yelling at them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're talking in black scent, right? They're saying stuff. They're like, bitch, you ain't shit.

And she goes, blah, blah, blah and shit to be like, you're not. She code switched as many are, like, but for an, like, a near elderly person to do that is what's the most stand out. Yeah. You know what I mean? But I've seen that when hosts go up and they take a black comic offstage. You've seen that. Yeah. And old comic being like, anyway, y'all, that, you know, that comic is sick.

Keep going for the next. guy and you're like, uh-oh, uh-oh. Yeah, he switched up. Yeah. Sure. I will say she definitely fucks black dudes, though. You think so? That's not her first time saying that. Yeah. Because that's not her first time saying that. She said it very comfortable. Yeah. Again, by the way. She said it in a way that she's had some boyfriends that she said, you ain't shit to before. Because here's the deal, man. I would in a million years never know to say that phrase. And I've heard, I've heard the things. Do you know what I'm saying? I'll tell you what I would do. I would never think. I would never do a documentary interview about

the time I said it. And then say it again. I'd be like, I don't know. Do you have tape of that? Because I don't remember saying that. Yeah. She's volunteering it. I'd be stupid enough to repeat it. Yeah, you would.

You'd be like, yeah. You find anything Zello? Can't find anything on it, but I'll keep digging. It's got to be a dub over or like. No. I don't think so, dude. One more time. Let's look at her lips while she's saying.

Yeah. Okay. And I yell don't dig a zit shit. No, that's there it is. She's saying it, dude. Never say. Ever. And I mean it is, but that's what happened.

I love what that's what happened. But also, it's what happened. It's what happened is a small way of saying it's not what I said. It's what happened. In other words, it's almost like I'm not taking full accountability. Some shit happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some shit went down.

Well, what is the world in which you're not responsible for it? Like, you're so drunk. You're so on LST. But you're trying to not be fully accountable. So what you do is you're like, and that's what happened. That's what happened. I heard that and I felt like what she was saying is like, I mean, that's what it is though. Right.

You know, like that's. But you know they're shit. They know they ain't shit. And that's why I said it. Yeah. That's what you heard. Right. Right.

I'm sorry that I said it. Wow. Like I spoke truth to power. And that's not on me. That's a crazy. I said the thing that everybody's thinking. Yeah. Because you should have been like, because you know to the interviewer.

Right, right, right. You know anything shit, right. That's the end of the clip. That's the full clip. And that's what happened. That's what happened. I like that. Wait, do you find something?

Did you find it, John? I think I did. I think that's what happened. She looks like it's from this video. Oh, yes. So she did say it. Oh, she does have a Massachusetts accent. This is making a lot more sense.

Okay. So this was probably, oh, there she is. Oh, my God. Well done. This is the busing crisis in Boston, integrating. Who didn't send their kids to public schools, Ted Kennedy, and a few other jerks that would appear on television telling us, we're telling us what to do with our kids.

All over the country where forced busing went into effect, there was resistance from both whites and blacks. We are in a war, and we're going to win this one. But nowhere did the conflict remain as bitter as at South Boston high. South Boston. In December, a white student, 17-year-old Michael Faith was stabbed, and all hell broke loose. And that's what happened. All being it's up, he looked just like a mommy, and he had blood all over him.

And I yelled out niggas-eat shit, which I would never say. yeah you will be it is but that's what happened it totally is what happened maybe it's an old it's older than we think it is well this is

I mean it's about the 70s and it's probably filmed this looks like it's at least 25 years old that we would die but she did mean to say it you're right Annie God damn

100% meant to say it yeah she meant it as bad as we think she just is a little bit of a G and she said it like that like she's a little

bit she's a little bit in the rap culture but this is from 197 she said it the way that like NWA says it yeah yeah which is crazy like a hard z she did not say it like an angry racist white lady she said it like yeah this was in 1970 she said the phrase yeah yeah yeah so she was ahead of her time she was way ahead of stuff yeah yeah she went she went on to work with the context she said somebody was stabbed and they were wrapped like a mummy and then she was like you know who ain't shit yeah that's crazy that is what she did yeah did yeah did did yeah did did did did did did did did did did did did this lady come up with that phrase that's what i'm thinking wow that would be crazy it's really all right i i have to wrap up in a second so let's watch a couple more man this was so good

so fun oh yeah this was awesome protesting property tax hey i started your time he gave him he gave the finger breakdancing at a town meeting this is he's filibustering i'm assuming Yeah. And the guy behind him with the hand on the forehead, like this silly guy. I would be shitting. I would be laughing so hard. I would never be able to keep it. They would kick you out of the room.

I would love this so much. I love this so much. Me too. This makes me feel okay living another day. Oh my God, the breath out that he was like, thank you so. That was really good. I can tell I did a really good job. Look how upset the white guys are.

The elite whites are so mad. Did you know I can do the backspin? Anybody? Anybody? Want you to me to do the back spin? Oh my God. Say yes. Somebody now.

When somebody asks, you say yes. I'm going to do the back spin. I'm going to do the back spin. Anybody? Watch this. Encourage the man. Oh, shit. He can do it.

That was good. Simone. One guy laughing. guy is so sick. He is a wedding ring. He's a married man. We were told the referendum was going to bring it up for an average household about $400 a bank. And mine went up like $900. Damn. And I think we heard we were told like that was from the schools or something. But the school referendum said it would only go up. You know, like I said. Well, I think he got his point across. That was really cool. That was rare. Really, really cool guy. He was so fun on a boat. You know what's crazy is that If he just brings that up without the breakdancing, it stays like just in this room.

Yeah. And because he broke, he did the break dancing, it became a national, like everybody has seen this guy do this. And now everybody knows the cause. Yeah. And it's $900 versus $400. Right. The injustice. That's good.

I know. I got a good Irish Catholic guy for you. I can't believe it's in your folder. This guy. Oh, yeah. Dude, look this guy. He's on the East Coast, too. Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah. Jordan, don't even. You know, it's really, we've really strayed far from God. Oh, wow. Here's the thing, though, Jordan, is that you're never going to find him. Is it cheese? He's elusive. We've been trying to get a hold of him for 15 years.

He won't talk to us. Listen, I just want you. Reach out to him. Do you want to hear this guy fart? Please. Yes, I have a bunch of his parts. No, you don't. Yeah, it's King Ashripper.

He's the king. Then he is, King Ashrper. He won't talk to us. This is him, okay? Isn't that crazy? That's one take. Oh, wow. Yeah.

And then he even does... I'm farting on you haters. I'm farting on you haters. And he'll fart on his food sometimes, eat it. I went on a rant about the shart inspired by you. Me just yelling at you being like you shit your pants. Dude, that's in my act. Yeah.

That you shit your pants? Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. It's crazy that you were like, I was like, did the air ride poop particles? I was talking about this because somebody, I was talking about how all men shit their pants. And then I was like, also this word shart. Like, I thought

that you guys were, poop particles were riding wind. And you're like, no, I just thought I was farting and a little shit came out and shit came out instead of fart. And I'm like, that's just shit. That's just shit. That's a very interesting distinction. You made me realize that.

It's crazy. I give you credit. Okay, good. Thank you. Thank you. Because you really came out and I was like, was it a stream? And you're like, yeah, a shirt. And I'm like, put.

No, my diaper was full. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. It's crazy. Listen, she is one of literally my favorite. She's one of the funniest people working today. You can go see her live, Jordan Jensencom.com.

But for sure, check out the new. Netflix special. Take me with you. It's on Netflix. Already getting rave reviews. Podcast, be an Ian with Jordan and Rip Jordan Jensen. It was, dude, thank you for coming in. Thank you. I know.

I really feel like. I'm so happy you came. Come back again. I feel like we're closer than me and Tommy at this point. Oh, my gosh. A couple of lesie's just hitting it off. Nice. Thank you so much.

We'll see you guys next week. Bye. You know what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to give Roger Fygardt some panties. Not in pink. I won't say what goes with pink. These are for Mickey Esposito, since everybody's panties getting a wad when I come up here. So send them to her, okay?

Now these here, they can't even fit on my ankle. Did you see me in a book? Women are stupid! I have two booze, not six. I have six bucks. I have two foods, not six. I have six bucks. More to love.

More to love. We protect you. guys from people like me. He protects you guys from people like me. More love. More to love. And guess what? My dad called a dental floss. And guess what I did

with it? I put it away. Something like this, and I made a lot of money. You have no idea who knows me. You have no idea who knows me. Women are stupid! I have two booze, not six. I have six bucks. I have Two booze, not six.

I have six bucks. More to love. More to love. He protects you guys from people like me. He protects you guys with people like me. More to love. More to love. And guess what?

My dad called it dental floss. And guess what I did with a kid? I put it away. Something like this, and I made a lot of money. Women are stupid. Do weepin, move in.