Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Airtight Poker Night w/ Steph Tolev | Your Mom's House Ep. 869

Episode Date: July 22, 2026

Christina P is back touring! Check her out in Chicago September 18th and 19th. Get your tickets at https://christinap.com/pages/tour-dates SPONSORS: For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://hims.com/YMH That's https://hims.com/YMH for your free online visit. Head to https://factormeals.com/ymh50off and use code ymh50off to get 50 percent off and free daily greens per box, with new subscription only, while supplies last until 09/27/2026. (See website for more details). Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://quo.com/YMH. Sup, chomos! This week, Tom Segura holds down the Mommy Dome with Steph Tolev, host of Steph Infection, produced right here at YMH Studios, and the proud owner of a brand new American citizenship. They open with a man being lowered off a New York City bus screaming "fuck your family," which spirals into roid-rage belchers on airplanes and a "NOT GUILTY!" TikTok attorney whose very satisfied client was charged with luring a minor into his vehicle. Then a listener letter from a self-described 30-year slut recounts the guys' card night that went airtight, and Tom and Steph break down the hygiene logistics nobody at that poker table considered. From there, Tom explains how a chance run-in with his old helicopter instructor ended his flying lessons for good, and Steph talks about her white fuzzy dog, and her daily walking schedule. Along the way they get into Pastor Manning's problem with blacks, a Thailand massage confession, plus Tom and Steph's combined résumé of ugly castings: Steph booking Skittles' "Ugly Princess," not fitting into the Spanx at a Bud Light fitting, and Tom's thumbs landing a Sony commercial. Plus: a homeless man shoots his shot, a man with a solid wall of 45 identical teeth, Steph's fiancé Jefferson shits the couch, the Tickle Monster nearly gets an old man killed, and Bulgaria fails to qualify for the World Cup. Enjoy! Your Mom’s House Ep. 869 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:00 - 2 Bears 5K, Blowjob Knees, & Big Noses 00:09:25 - Opening Clip: Disabled Traffic Jam 00:13:16 - Not Guilty! The Pervert's Attorney 00:18:39 - Airtight Poker Night 00:23:37 - Helicopter Crashes 00:32:14 - Pastor Manning 00:37:04 - Spa & Casting Stories 00:45:58 - Kinky Unc 00:50:21 - Great Wall Of Teeth 00:53:26 - Elevator Fart Prank 00:55:54 - Sabertooth Singles & Monster Mouth 01:00:49 - Public Pranks 01:07:39 - Closing Song - "Planes Trains and Dad Boners" by Jayzeus Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to another episode of your mom's house with me today is one of my favorite comics working today. You can see her podcast, Steph Infection, produced right here at YMA Studios on Steph's YouTube channel. Check her out on tour. Go to punchup.com.com live slash Steph Tolov. It's Steph Tollive, everybody. What if it was somebody else after saying all of that? It's Marie Myers. I could pass as a Marie. You could pass as a Marie.

It's the dark hair. Yeah. Bulgarian? Yes. Remember, did you play guess who? The only one with dark hair was Marie. Was it? Yeah, there's five women.

I remember. What is that with Bulgarian Olympic lifters? Why, is it always a thing? It's always been a thing. We've got strong legs. Yeah, they've always been competitors, man. Oh, you know what? It's a Bulgarian thing being competitor.

Really? I mean, it must be because the way in which... Your upbringing was it very competitive? Yes. Well, I highlight my... I was supposed you last time. I competitively highland dance my whole life. Yeah, yeah. Which is not Bulgarian at all. But the way in which I had to beat everybody in your two bears 5K, that was not normal. And that wasn't, I was sprinting. How fast did you run that in?

I don't know why I felt so sick after. I almost threw up. I wanted to die. You did it 300 times for no fucking reason. No, I did it twice. But the second one was enough. It's enough. As soon as I got into like, I was a quarter of the way through it, I was like, I shouldn't be doing this. It made no sense. You already did one. I know, but it was like then that's when all you guys showed up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then everyone else was doing it.

So I was like, I can't fucking not do it. I hated it. Everyone stayed with you guys because you guys kind of ran back. And I think some people were trying to be cool and run with you guys. Yeah, yeah. But my competitive psychoness was like, suck my dick, Burton fucking Tom. And I was like, and then I was trying to be, my goal was to be the first comedian to get through. Did you?

No, fucking Zelnick, that fucking prick. He's like, he's thin. he ran faster. They're so gay. All the thin runners. God damn. I hate thin. And he had abs.

He's wearing no shirt. Suck my dick when he had abs. Get a grip. I know. I know. Whatever. He did well. He ran fast.

Imagine running shirtless. I can't even. Even wearing like just you know girls to wear a bra to the gym. Yeah. No. This is what I wear in the gym. Is that? Or like an Oprah's eyes slay or t-shirt.

You don't wear any jumps to the gym? You know, sweating. I can't get it off sometimes some shitting water. That is so hot, dude. I would fucking mouths. Oh my God. Do you go intense. Do you go intense in the gym?

Are you intense? I know my fiancee. Congratulations. He's handsome, charismatic, I know. He's so hot. And I have to remind people that to all the ugly women out there, some men like personality. So you have to find them. Yes.

It takes you a long. And you suck a lot of dick. I suck his dick a lot. Oh, you do? Yeah. That's really nice. I have to keep him around somehow. That makes me happy.

The personality can only go so far. Do you surprise them with it? No. Well, sometimes. Sometimes. But then the other day I, like, bent down to do it. I, like, crouched, and both my knees buckled. And I was like, oh, God.

This can't be attractive. You're like, clacking? Was it, like, crack of just aging knees? I couldn't get up. He had to bring me back up. I was like, oh. Good job. Get up.

Oh, my God. Pathetic. That's beautiful. It's beautiful. Yeah, yeah. That's what you have to do when you have a big nose and a big personality. You have a really. You're really good at that.

Yeah. You're going to say you do have a big nose. I'm like, no. I know. I know. Tom, I can see. I'm going to add onto it. I was like, okay, whoa.

You know what my nose is doing is it's drooping. No, the tip? Yeah, in like 20 years, I'll look like this. Okay, do you look at Brody Stevens? It'll be like, yeah, it'll hang. That's what you look like. Yeah. I don't want that.

If that happens, I'm getting a nose lift. Well, you don't do a nose lift? If I look like that, no, I don't want that. That, no, that, okay, why would they bring up that guy? Because people fucking say. That's the most insane. thing. That, wow. They say I look like him.

Who does? Most people comment that I look like him. Most people say that man. They say you guys have the same nose. They say I have the same nose. No, they have your fucking lying. I swear to you. They call one of those people up right now. They need to go eye surgery. That makes no sense. Do you think I have the same nose as this guy?

No. What are you talking about? Rest in peace, Johnny. He was a fantastic actor. That's, no one's ever said that. They say that's my black twin. Yeah. I don't believe anything you're saying right. That's why they're laughing in there. That's crazy. That's true.

That's crazy. Yeah. People say anything. That's not even close. Christina was the one that called it out originally. Yeah, she said I had the same nose as him. I know. Your wife needs to go to the optometrist tomorrow.

I would love to drop her off. Yeah. That's what she thinks. Yeah. That'd be a great idea, man. God. If I get like, what's the guy's name was a huge nose of Brody? What's his name?

Brody. He's in all those big movies. Oh, I thought you're talking about Adrian Brody. Hey, don't, pull him up. That's my probably Noah's twin and it's so offensive that I'm even saying this. I'm gonna see it and be like so past

that I said that. Fuck me. God damn it. Yeah, it is. God, fucking. But look how hot he looks from the front. See, from the front?

Do you know that I just learned about this? I can't turn for this. Bro. This is a totally, this is a totally different thing about head on the way we look like human beings

and profile. And in profile, it can completely change people's level of attractiveness. Yeah. Trust me. I'm dating.

I don't know. I mean, too. Chins, jaw. Well, not just that. Somebody who has a weak, like a real weak chin. You see from the side and they're like, oh, I know.

And you're like, oh, okay. You see it. Yeah, I won't even say names, but yes. Let's say names. Would you rather big nose or weak chin? I think I keep the nose. I keep the nose. Yeah, because chin, you can't make a chin.

You can put a chin in. You can put a chin in. I know someone who put a chin in. I know somebody that put calves in. that's so funny Putting in calves is a level of I'm self-conscious with my nose I would never like

No I'm not doing anything about it I'm just saying like getting calves Who's looking at a man? Of course yeah Who's ever looked at his calves that much It was like buddy, he gotta That's the thing is that whenever you hear About somebody doing something like that

Getting something like that You realize how it really is about What's going on in yourself Because there's no one Maybe somebody one time saw him was like. As a joke. Yeah, your cat, but no one's

tiny calves man. Walking around thinking about your calves. How big did he get? Like obviously big? I think no, no. Not like Jesus. You look like a bodybuilder.

I would do. If I'm getting calves, he just had. I'm getting ease playing back there. But I was thinking about, can you imagine when that like something goes wrong with it? And then someone's like, what's going on?

Your calf is drooping right now. Yeah, it's all fucking saggy. And they have to cut you open and take your calf implant out. You know, you're something fucked? I just saw it's on. TikTok, this girl was, she kept her saline tits. They cut them out and they keep them for five years in case whatever.

Fucking mold. Mold was building up in both the saline. So if you're going to get your tits done, get whatever the other thing is. Get the other tit thing done. Get air. This guy, though, you have to give him credit. He's always been known for the big schnaz and he mastered his craft. And now it's part of like, I saw an image of him.

I wonder if you could Google it. like what he would look like with a nose job. And it completely changes his look. But then you realize you'd be like, oh, that's not him anymore. It would look just so. Oh shit. You know what I mean?

Ew. That's so creepy. So weird, right? Anytime AI does a photo of me, they make my nose bigger. I'm like, get a grip. It's so far. I'm like, really?

It's bigger. It's bigger. That's how he tells an AI photo. It's like three times. size. I'm like, why was, they focus on one thing with those AI generators and they're like, no, I would never, I'm never. I feel like I get roles because of this too. Yeah, of course. We all

get it because of our appearances. Yeah, what the hell? Totally. I just got a really cool offer. They're like, you're the fucking friend, you know, kind of a piece of shit, like loser who wants to be, and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's, every role I get is ghoul under the bridge. I go, got it. Guys, like, really, like,

no one likes them. But you know what I mean? Like we thought of you. He stinks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Physically smells bad. Got it. Cool. You're like, don't change anything.

Very, very cool. That's exactly what you look like. That's exactly what you thought of me. Yeah, I auditioned for a DC film for like a lead the other day. And I was like, guys, don't even send me this to my agents. I'm like, I'm going to do it. It's not great. But I'm like, I'm not me head of DC.

Let's don't be stupid here. Whenever they do that, I'm like, I'm not sending this in. They could. They can't. No, they're not. they're not, no, they're not. Anything I booked has been like someone's like,

you look weird and you're doing that. Thank you very much. I'm actually offended. I wasn't bad thoughts because I have a weird face and I feel like you could have put me in there. I would have loved to. I think you weren't avail. I was avail.

How do you know? Because I had nothing, I never had anything going on. Stop. Don't you try to call. I'm like, I have nothing going on. I don't believe you. I have to play the opening clip for you, okay?

Oh, fuck. This early? No, this one's a good one. It's a fun one. I'm getting the, garbage ready. No, this one's going to make you laugh. It's not gross. You said that last time and then Earl Petersman, or the fuck his name was, I fucking almost

barfed. Norm fucking Putin pick. I hate that guy. Norm Summerton. No, I hate that. I'm very upset with him too. He has not called me back in years. Oh, wow, and that's why you're upset. No, but this one's actually fun. Okay. Okay. This is a, um...

I can tell you not. No, it's a guy getting off-loaded from a public transportation and he's disabled. Wow, and you're already laughing this hard? Because of him. Okay, okay. Fuck you.

He's just getting off the bus. Okay, that one's good. It's good. See the thumbnail of it freaked me out. Oh. What I love. I want that to play for the rest of the podcast. It usually does.

We have a 10-minute version. That wasn't it. No, that wasn't it. There's a real 10-minute version. But I love that it's so New York, you know? It's so New York that they're like, someone's honking, and he just, his accent, the whole, the confidence of it, you know. Fuck your family.

And how loud it is for the public streets. Oh, yeah. Like, that really echoes. The guy that's helping him get off doesn't even, flinch when the guy that's right next to him is screaming, fuck your family. He had no reaction. He's just like, yeah.

He's right here. Sign right here. That's so insane. Something on the plane here happened that I feel like is a very, your mom's house. This man was burping behind me. Thank you for putting me in first class. But of course, the guy directly behind me,

behind the curtain, was belching in a way that I actually don't understand. Like, or loud? Loud. Do you know how the way it, have you heard a dog bar? rate when it's like barfing foam. Uh-huh.

Yeah. That. That's how he was on a plane? The whole flight. At first I was like, I'm having a weird dream. And then I woke up and I was like, that can't be real. And then I took my airport off and the girl at the time. He's like, and I was like, behind.

So I kept them out for a second. Yeah. And then I turned around, I saw the guy, scary. Scary. He was scared. Really? He looked scary because I wanted to say something. But red face, like, fucking yoked out.

Like a huge headphones on. I'm like, if I said something, he leaped like, I was. Did he have like, like a, like, royd rage kind of look to them. Look, yes, is that something? Yeah, for sure it is. No, but like, I mean, like the burping. Is that something to do with that?

Who knows that? This guy might be taken everything. Some, because it's one of his symptoms, he's like, yeah. It was so crazy. And whoever says something to him, he's like, I'm going to beat that person's face. And I was like, that's going to me.

Yeah. I was so scared. The whole flight, I'm like, just turn around and say, please stop. And then I got a glimpse. And I was like, no. Do I have snout? You keep doing there.

No, it's me. You know what it is. I think it's nose hair that's growing it. You didn't tease it? It's making me crazy. It's making me crazy. I'm like, what for fuck's sakes the whole time doing this. I did a bump right before the thing started.

Christina's away. I'm ready to podcast. This is, this one is not... What? I just ate. I know, but this is going to admit, this is very fun. Hold on. What was the verdict? Not guilty.

Have you seen these? No. So this is a whole lane of videos on social media where an attorney, an attorney will get somebody off on charges and then they'll the way they're basically promoting themselves like we do clips of stand-up they'll be like hey like not guilty and the person's like yeah you know you fucking help me out um this is this is who you should call you know i got i got charged with assault but um you know i didn't do it and like call call this attorney if you get something and then they're like it's that lane but usually you don't see this type of

What were you charged with? Attempted interference with the custody of a minor or incompetent person. And what did they allege? They alleged that I attempted to entice a person under 18 to get into my vehicle. Was it true? Absolutely not. Okay. Oh my God.

So first of all, he tried to get a minor. who's incompetent. So a disabled person under 18 into his car. And then she's so in the practice of telling clients what to say. She goes, she starts to go. Before. Before. She's like, heads up.

It's no. You're always going to say no. We know you did it, but it's always a no. Whenever anyone asks, you always say no. I did not. What a very specific thing that obviously you did. A hundred percent. Nobody makes that up.

And she also, I don't know how much she prepped him because she's like, he's like, yeah. And she goes, what were you charged with? His fate, he's like, well? Are we really saying what the real charge was? Can we just come up with something else? Completely innocent of the charges. And today, justice prevailed. That's correct.

She's the best, number one. I recommend her to anybody. He just looks at her tits the whole time. Yeah, anybody. How old are you again? Anyone charged with the same kind of shit that I'm into? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any other perverts out there?

That's crazy. You know me perverts? Probably message her after this? Oh, my God. Why is she reppping them? Why is she being another pervert? She found her lane, dude. No, I don't like this.

I bet you that plays a role. You know, there's so many like psychological things that happen from juries and everything that I bet you a creep having a woman is a hundred percent. Yeah, it's much more beneficial. That's of course why he fucking probably won that. That's crazy. I bet you she's sucking off the judge. Your mother.

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That's crazy. Yeah. You got to, no, I don't like that. Now I'm going to report her. To what? Speaking of crazy. So we...

I have another crazy story. Yeah, tell me. No. What are you going to say? Well, so we one time told the story of somebody, I forget the origin story, but I think it was about somebody who went airtight, you know, airtight, meaning a woman had a dong in every insert, right?

And... I'm sorry, I'm not following. Sexually. Your hand, snippers threw me off. Sorry. So, a woman... I'm getting that part. Has three notable inputs, right?

One. One. Oh, okay. One. Okay. Two. Two. Two.

Three. Three. Three. the facing now. Yes, okay. So to go airtight means to have something in everyone. Okay. Now I'm getting the scissors. Yes. And now. At the same time. All at the same time, right. There's no air seeping out of this lovely angel. So we talked about that this was most, for the most part, something that you'd see in adult films. So you're like, this is exaggeration. This is fantasy, right? This isn't like what really happens. And so when we talked about it at this time, Richard,

It was a while ago, some ladies wrote in and they're like, I actually went airtight. And they told us these fantastical, outrageous stories. And we got, it's been a while, but we got one that came in today. May I read it to you? Please. Okay. Please do. What's everybody?

I have an airtight story for you. I have been a slut going on 30 years now. About 18 years ago, I was dating a guy that was sexually open. I went out with my girls one night and he had a guy's night in. Shortly after midnight, he calls me to ask when I was coming home and said that they needed another person to play cards and that I would really like this game. I get home less than an hour after that, we start playing strip poker. Of course, they are kicking my ass and I'm naked. Then it's the truth or dare poker, which I didn't know was a thing.

One of my guys' friends dares me to get my pussy ate on the card table. As my boyfriend is going down on me, one friend starts sucking on my nipples. I let out a little moan. my boyfriend starts fucking me right there. Another guy sticks his dick in my mouth. After a few short minutes of this, we moved to the floor. My boyfriend's...

Why do you have to make eye contact during the story? I'm reading the story. The looking up is crazy. Well, I want to see how you reacted. You're my guest. What do you mean to fucking... I don't need to see you looking up during this story. My boyfriend on his back and in my ass.

Well, now you're reading a problem. In my vagina. In my Vigene. Another friend fucking my face. And a fourth man in my hand. recording the entire encounter. We tried multiple positions to get everyone comfortable, but ended with each taking their turn,

finishing. Love you all. Anonymous slut. What kind of friends are these? I mean, the story, here's the thing. Like, when I have friends over, we're eating chips and dip. I know. When the stories come in like this.

We're not doing this. You know what I found, we found a few times that this has happened with military people. Military people write in that I think they get such, so into their bubble. and so pent up and isolated.

Okay. Sometimes when they, you know, get together, things go crazy, like when they're on their R&R kind of stuff. Yes. This sounds like it could be a made-up... It's an outrageous thing that happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it could also be something that, you know, a couple... I mean, first of all, for the woman to be open to it... Also, one time the woman wrote in, and she told us this story, and then we set up an interview, And we got to talk to her. And then through the conversation, she's just like, yeah, I really didn't want to do it.

And we're like, hey, you're telling us about a bad story. And she's like, yeah, I guess so. Like, that actually sounds like my nightmare while you just explained. First of all, no one came fresh with the shower. So you don't have only your boyfriend's penis, which you know how it is. Yeah, yeah. All these sweaty blobs playing poker reeks. And they've been drinking.

Oh, it's all touching the chips and everything's disgusting. No one's washed their hands. She for sure got like a UTI after that. That's disgusting. Yeah, yeah. Stink. Also, they never were, none of them prepared. No.

So who knows how long they were cheesing up down there? It's making me sick. I can't, that's so gross. You're right. You never thought about that, did you? I just want to move on to something else. This is okay. Slap spit on me.

I can't believe these people don't get flagged. I know. Like, that's what pisses me off. It's really crazy. I'm shadow ban on TikTok and that's allowed? Why are you shadow ban? Because I can't see fucking pussy. You can't see anything.

And that, I can do that? I'm doing that then. That's what I'm going to start doing on mine. Come to see me live. That's crazy. The crazy thing on Instagram, which I don't understand, is every day I have a couple of friends that will send me a murder or like... Full murder.

Full murder. Or footage from a war or like one of my friends today sent me a guy getting electrocuted and then the electricity started a fire and the guy burned on the... It's on... Hey, now I know what group of friends are doing the fucking poker table shit. Jesus Christ. Oh, my friends are sending me this. Okay.

That was Christina writing in. Well, this is... Jesus Christ. But here's the thing. It stays up and you're like, hey, Instagram. Take it down. You mean to tell me, like, a suggestive word is a problem.

Literally. And I never show anything. The head. Well, that guy Oliver Tree. That's so fucking sad. Holy fuck. That's very sad. I didn't even...

I opened my phone and the helicopter crash. And I'm like, I don't want to... see this? I don't know. This whole family had to fucking see that. That's terrible. That's crazy. It's so fucking sad. I don't understand too because it was it was two helicopters colliding.

You're like, who the fuck is piloting this thing? How are you guys? No. I don't understand. None of it made any sense. Usually like you're in one of those things and your biggest, the biggest like emphasis is to keep your distance from anything else. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And these two are like, I don't understand. I'm never going to. Have you been in one? Many times. Yeah. I'm not. Yeah. I've always really enjoyed it.

I'm going to tweez that fucking hair out. I know. I'm sorry. Because it's still, I'm like, God damn, it's me again. What happened to a few weeks ago that made me, like, kind of freaked me out about helicopters is I took lessons at a place in town, right? Oh, here. Here, yeah.

And I've done it like a number of times. And I haven't done it a while now. And then I run into this guy who was like, oh, hey, you trained at this school. And I go, yeah, that's where I was going. He goes, I was a teacher there. And I was like, you're an instructor? And he goes, I was. And I go, oh, man.

He goes, it's just kind of like a coincidence. Because I know him from other things. He's like, I could have been your instructor. I was like, oh, kind of like a small world sort of conversation. And then I go, oh, like, so how often do you up now since you're not there? He goes, oh, I stop flying. And I go, this is an instructor. And I go, what do you mean you stop flying?

Because I don't fly anymore. And I go, why? Because, you know, I have like my circle of friends from that world. And I just had so many conversations. of like, you know, so and so, yeah, they died. You know, so and so, he died and he died and he's like, it just became too many. And I was like, damn, and you're an instructor?

Christ. So that, that, I mean, obviously. And you're, and I have a class right after this. No. Tom, you have to stop. Now, I haven't done it. I haven't done it in like a year now. That should be a fucking tell tell.

It was. The fact that this guy said that, I was like, damn, man, I guess it's going to have to be planes. Do you feel weird on planes? Not sometimes But sometimes I'm always so agitated up there anyways I'm like, I just take it.

Do you feel safer? Do you feel safer on a larger aircraft? No, no. I took one to Dubai and it was the scariest thing up. That was scarier? It was too much

and there's like, oh, you can watch the camera like underneath the plane. I'm like, why am I watching this? I don't want to see this. Wow. Shower in there. It's too much going on. That freaks you out?

I don't get how they're flying to be. So do you like smaller aircraft? I don't like any aircraft. Oh. If I could drive everywhere I would. You have one of those? I mean, I fly every fucking day, but I'd rather drive. You rather drive?

I like driving. Do you like long drives? I like long drives. Like a six, 10, 12 hours. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Plop me in there. I zone out.

And will you stay? Windows down, eyelids flopping up. You will drive. Oh, I drive. You drive. I like to drive. Really? Oh, yeah.

Long distances. When, how, what's your cutoff point for like, let's switch? Like, you drive. After eight? Eight. Yeah. At least because I've driven across the country three times now from Canada to here. And yeah, eight's the, eight's the cutoff.

Holy shit. I'm just old, I guess. It's also like, yeah. My cutoff is like 25 minutes. Jesus crying. No, but like, I hit the three hour mark and I'm like, I want to be a passenger for a. Well, because I like being charged with music. So I feel like that's my, I get music time.

Okay. And anybody else's music I don't like as much. So I want me to be driving. Do you have a wide range of music you like? Like, is it a pretty? Kind of, but I kind of just. What's your core? Yeah, what's the core stuff?

This is a band called Death from Above, 1979 that I listened to. Sorry, could you say that? Death from above, 1979. I'm obsessed with. I listened to them all of the time. I was at the gym and hotel. Shout out to the gym hotel.

Turn loose weight. And I listened to the same album I've been listening to for 15 years. Wow. I have a problem. This is your band. This is my band. And then I was just watching Law & Order,

SVU. That's all I watch. I get locked into like fucking weird things like that. No, I think that. that's actually pretty like it because what happens is if you find you like it, you deviate and you almost get anxiety watching something else or listening to something else. So you want to go back to what suit, like kind of makes your nervous system. Bad thoughts takes me like about a week and a half to get through. Yeah. I can't do it all at once. Bejews and gone high in the day.

Put it on a lot. I go out. I got through an episode. I'm like, all right, go back to Law and Order. I can go back to something. Too often, running a business can turn into a large scale game of telephone that quickly goes off the rails. Between the scattered messages and missed calls following through the cracks, it's time to upgrade from a group chat with commitment issues to a streamlined business communication service. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled QUO, the business communication system built so you never miss a call. Quo lets your entire team handle calls and texts from one shared number. No more missed messages or disconnected conversations. Everyone can see the

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is the band? They're a two piece from Toronto. They're like rock. Okay. Yeah. I listen to rock. Yeah, they're so good. I listen to rock. I listen to like house music, like heavy metal. Yeah. Oh shit. This was going to say. Remember last time I was here and I was practicing for my civics test for my yeah my American citizenship yeah I got it

congratulations I got it thank you yes it's a big deal I am a dual citizen real importantly I hope you fucking answer this correctly it's the World Cup right now oh god are you pulling for it you've pulling something down there you scared me I was like what's down there I was waiting for so long who are you cheering for in the World Cup there's a gun if anyone can't see what's happening

there's a gun on my knee. America. No, obviously Canada. God damn, I'm cheering for Canada. It's always been, it's obviously a global event. But the fact that it's here, and I feel like America's interest in soccer has gained so much, grown so much over the last like 25 years,

it's like a frenzy right now. It's so rad, though. It's also, dare I say, too many games. Too many games? It's too long. You think so? I can't keep drinking. like this. In the middle of the day, every day,

4 p.m.? You guys play, well, is Morocco? We just played. Yeah, it's coming out in a few weeks. Also, I need to point out how embarrassing it is. How many teams got into being with 60 something? So, you start with, what, 48 matches or something, right? Four, no, 48 teams, and then it goes to a round of 32.

That was more. I think so. I'm just embarrassed at the fact that Bulgaria couldn't even get in. There's a lot of places that didn't get in that are mortified. What do we do? I'm embarrassed. Italy didn't get in. That's crazy. They didn't qualify. I think third time in the last...

Oh, wow. That's a lot. 20 years or something? I feel like that's all they do over there is kick balls. No shit. That's one of the countries that like really defines itself by God, you know. So they haven't... It's really crazy.

It is bizarre. But I feel like Bulgaria has nothing else going on. They should be focusing up. Yeah, focus on your fucking soccer, man. Focus on the soccer. Let's get in this. God damn. Did they ask you this in your America exam?

You became mad. He's niggles. No, that's not it. That was question number two. Hold on. That was question number two. And I went, Huh.

Hold on. Well, we just finished that one. Hold on. Can't trust me. I've been working on them for 45 years. A nigger just ain't going to do the right thing. You've got an attitude about everything. Pastor Manning, he ain't for the black man.

He'd again to get the black man. Then you got rap music. Damn. That's a real sermon. This is real. And do you know where he's giving this speech? Do you know where he's giving this speech? speech in Harlem. No.

Yeah, dude. Yes. Oh my God. That's in Harlem, man. Is it lie? Who's filming this? This is like the church camera. It goes worse. Like, look how high this angle is. You go to Daytona Beach. I'll say if y'all's saying something to videos.

They even go on a Ruth Chris restaurant now. It's so random. This is making me want to go to church now. That to me feels like he's like, I always go to Ruth Chris. Now I'm pissed. That's one of my favorites. Mentioning

Rousse Chris, the sermon. I swear before God. This guy's out of the spot of the mind. Pastor Manning. Black Jensiers? He also...

Gen Ziers. He's really got the lingo. He's got the lingo down. Someone between 15 and 30. They're like monkeys. They're like maraud and monkeys. Turn loose on shopping malls.

Restaurant. running a mug knocking over things fighting and shooting and killing half naked they're like monkeys send their asses back to the jungle you know there's like a direct feed of this yes I was like that's why this has to be this angle

no I mean like into something like southern white guy's house who's like this fucking guy gets oh yeah he's like religious all over again he's like finally I'm going to church every Sunday he just moved back to New York he's he has was out He hated Obama this guy.

So is this guy racist? I mean... I mean, it sounds like he kind of is. Yeah, I mean, it's... Am I right? If you couldn't see him, you'd be like, oh, you can't say this. Yes, yes.

Yeah. Because why would he hate Obama? He called him the... What's he called him? The Mac, long-legged Mac daddy or whatever. So he came to... He... What is this thing about Obama?

he really doesn't like Obama he calls him mother's white trash for having a being pregnant out of wedlock okay okay okay I think he says that whoever claims to be Obama like who Obama says is his father this guy's like that's not his father oh there he is long-legged mac daddy he always always calls him that which is insane long leg I mean that is that a bad word long-legged mac daddy people people want long legs Is it Matt Daddy like? Pretty cool. Yeah, I don't think that's a bad thing.

He basically refers to him as like a pimp. Okay. Yeah. Then what's wrong? So, Atla, yeah, that's the church where he is. Wow. He preaches. You know what they never show?

The crowd. I would love to see how many people are. It sounds like there was just that one guy in there. It doesn't sound like a lot of people. Could you imagine it cut and it was just that one guy? That one big white guy? Yeah. Yeah, because if there were thousands of people, like some of these people.

You hear some reactions. him saying this. Yeah. Send their asses back to the... That's a crazy thing for a preacher to say. Got to add a tube by everything! That is my favorite drop of that. Yeah.

Got to have a tattoo about everything. He's very passionate. Oh, shit. It is so high pitched. It's so super high pitched. He's really into it. Oh, my God. What are you drinking there?

Is that coffee? Mm-hmm. What do you drink in there? I mean just rum. It could be. Just bourbon. Gotta get through the week. Dual citizen, man.

I can do whatever I want now. I don't know how you guys roll. Yeah, the fuck I want now. What's your coffee drink? What do you usually go? I mean. Ice. Lash flour milk, yeah.

Usually. Oh, very gay drink. Yeah. It's gay. It's with a gay drink. Is it? Yeah, men. I found out.

I found out because I only drink ice coffee and then someone was like, oh, you drink like gay men. I was like, what? And they're like, yeah, gay men drink ice coffee year around. And I was like, I didn't know. Well, no, this is an Austin thing. It's fucking sweltering here. In L.A., I'd get a hot one.

Oh, you would. Okay. So I'm gay, you're not. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm trying to say. Totally fine. You're gay, I'm not. Yeah.

You've never, I just saw Eric Andre post this, not post. He did, um, he did, uh, what's the Jewish guy's name? Like, Stern, for fuck sakes. Howard Stern? Yes, he just did his, and told this whole story of how he like got his dick sucked. in like Thailand. He was getting a massage, and then all of a sudden he woke up...

Recently? No, I guess a while ago. Oh, oh. He told this whole story. But is his appearance recent? Yes, yes. Yeah, I think it came out when he was doing stuff

for the new movie. Okay. And I was like, wow, what a balsy thing to say on a big podcast. But I was also like, he was so, oh, but he wasn't saying he was gay.

That's on brand for Eric. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's like an open book and he says wild shit. Like, he's a, you know. But the whole, the way he told the story is like,

yeah, it sounds like, you know, you're getting a massage in your heart, then you're like, you know, what's going on down there? And I was like, so I guess I was asking if I's ever happened to you. No, that's what I was trying to say. No. I've had, um, uh, farts in, in the massage.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I had a massage therapist fart where. Oh. Yeah. So she, it was funny because she was like, I'm face down. This is like a nice spa, like a hotel spa. Your dicks in the face hole and getting sucked off by, by a woman, though. There was like an old midget underneath me.

He's just, Brad Williams underneath. You don't have to name them. But this lady, she was like, and she knows, they always go, they use that voice. She was like, I want you to completely relax. Let everything go. This is your time for yourself to unwind. And just don't hold and just release everything.

that you're feeling and allow me to do the work. And I was like, okay. And she takes both hands. She's like up on my back here. And as she pushes out here, and I'm like, and then she stops. And I'm like, my face is in the donut. And I'm like. Yeah.

And I could tell that she's probably like, oh shit, I just ripped. And then since I don't react, she's like, and she just goes back to like. I can't believe you didn't react. I know. I should have been like. You didn't laugh? No, I was kind of just. like, no way.

That's crazy. Yeah. I would have been like, you ever get finger during a massage? Could you imagine? I mean, I'm sure it's happened. That too much oil. Yeah.

That way, whenever I see those porons where they're like lubing up and then I'm always like, what's that oil shouldn't be in there. Well, maybe it's what. That's what I'm always thinking about with it. You're like, what kind of, is that water soluble?

No, also, I usually get massaged by like a big, like Taiwanese lady. She'd rip me in half with those fingers. I get this woman, she's got like big mitts on her. really gets in the knots. When I was at my... At my fatest in Silver Lake, I would go to this Korean place

and I would walk in and they go, you too big. I go, I'm sorry, you're too big. Too big. I'm like, I'm too big, too big, too much. I should go there

just so that will make me lose more weight. I'll walk in and if they say it to me, I'll be like, this is all you need for diet. You walk in. You're too big. That is the way. You're how you lose weight.

Did you know who lose weight after that? That would be if someone telling me to my face, I'm too big. Dude, my kids will make you lose weight. kids don't know. Bring them over here now. They don't know the like social parameters.

Like they'll literally be like, you look fat. And you're like, okay. Yeah. Come up, they'll grab your stomach. They'll like, hey, hey, how's it going, big guy? Grab your fat. Big fat. One time I did this commercial years ago for Bud Light, never saw it. They wanted like a model.

It was one of those joke ones where I went out. I'm like, I don't know why I'm here. I go in with, it's all models. And the thing, this is a nightmare. I booked it because I was the only normal. person there. They brought in a bunch of people that couldn't improvise.

I'm like, why would you bring in? Anyways, I book it. I go to the fitting the next day. They're like, oh, um, sorry, we're not who. Nothing fit. You booked it. I booked it, but they didn't, they thought they were hiring a model. Like a waif.

Yeah. Not what. They go, well, maybe if the spanks. I couldn't get the spanks on. They were like, you're going to have to come back tomorrow. We have to go shopping. It was bad. And I wasn't even big then.

But I've never even seen a woman of your size before. This is crazy. Are you a woman? That's what they said to me. They used to send me, it would always make me mad to, I would get like a commercial audition. And like you get the sides, whatever. It's for some commercial.

And they're like, big fat pig is sitting around. Big oinkered. A Norm Somerton type. And it would be exactly. Oing on. But it says like fat fucking load of a man is like doing this. And I'd be like, hey, I think they're going to get like really fucking fat guys. And they're like, just go.

You can book it. And you go. And you're in that way. waiting room and every guy is like 400 plus people. Yes, and you're like. And I'm like looking around and even they are like, you're not fat enough to be here. And you're like, all right man.

And I would do it. And even when you walk in a room like the people are like, no, dude. No, that's, I went out for a, this was real year. I used to do a joke about it. It was so fucked up. Looking for a woman a three or four out of 10. No.

I booked it. No, it gets worse. It gets worse. Me and this other girl, we both booked it. They couldn't decide who was uglier. So we get to set. It was for Skittles. I'll out you, motherfuckers.

It was for Skittles. Remember they used to this thing where you had like, point your finger on the thing and then like a cat would be licking your finger or something? Yeah. It was that.

You look it up. Ugly Princess. Skittles, ugly princess. It's probably still on YouTube. We both went to set. They made me look fucking scary. I had lipstick all of my teeth. I was like, ah, crazy.

And they made her look a little less. And they're like perfect. Yeah. But we both did it. And we'd make out with this glass. So I think it's probably called Ugly Princess Makeout Skittles. I'm not sure.

But it was like, you know, offensive it is? Oh, yeah, this is it. This is it. This is it. A video is going to start and your finger will touch something you could never touch before.

Something from a place far, far away. So make sure it's there now. Yep. That was it. So if I kiss this finger, it'll really turn into a prince? Yes. And together you can rule Skittles land for all time.

They had me in a pink dress and I was just in the other room waiting for to do this. I did it much different now that I'm really watching the way she's doing it. I used a lot of tongue. Give me something. But that's my friend Kayla and we both were very offended. Yeah. I mean, I hate it. Because also when I got the audition you look around and you go, okay.

Whoa. Fresh out of the old bog these women were. They were like trough hogs. And I was like, I'm not booking. I booked it. Okay. Wow. Wow.

I have to say when I also have felt the discomfort when you write something and you're like, and now you're producing it and you're casting it. And your description is like, this fucking pig, you know, walks in. And then I get to say, as if you fucking dork. Like, you know, you hog. And like, and then they're like, here's the audition. And then the actress comes in. They're like, I'm here to read for a hawk.

And you're like, and you're like, it's not like that. No, it's not. No, it's like that. No, it is like that. So now you're on both sides, which is even worse. Yes, yes. You know how bad it is and you're still doing it.

Dude, one time my thumbs booked an audition or commercial. Those thumbs. Yeah, so, because there's a lot of improv. So I'm just like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the thumbs end up having faces on them that they do like, CGI, whatever, on it. But we're doing it in a hot tub. And blah, like, you know, we're talking like this.

And of course, when I book it, you're just like, oh, great, my thumbs book this, and I get paid to do this. It was like a Sony ad. And at the time, I had, like, a callous here. And so I was in the routine. I was, like, just chewing on it. But you know when you're in, like, a pool. It's all sogged up. And then it looks like torn and like, like, it looks so gnarly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm filming. And then at one point, I hear someone to go, what is that? And I'm like, what? And they're like, what, what is on your thumb? What that looks awful? What is that? And I'm like, that's just, that's my thumb. And they're like, no, it's like really disgusting. Oh my God. I would go in like this. And then they're like, yeah, what are we going to fucking do about that? And I hear them having, they're like, it's so fucking gnarly. Like it's all torn up.

And then they ended up putting like bubbles in the hot tub. And then you could put like bubbles around. Yeah. Like it was like you know you're like bubble bath that covers up. Yeah. Wow. The old bubble cover. Bubble cover.

That's crazy. It was really gross. That's so embarrassing. And I was like, um, yeah. They're like, oh. And there's nothing. It's getting worse, too. And you can't do anything.

No, because the water's sopping into it. Oh, yeah. Ew. It just looked so mangled. God. Yeah. It was gross. It wasn't cool like this.

Run as fast as you can, sweetheart. I love a good chase. Oh. But once I catch you, you are never walking away from me. Sounds like kind of a threat, right? Kind of? you will barely be able to walk it all. Oh.

If you understand what I'm saying, and you follow me this far, drop David in the comments and hit that like, share, save, and subscribe button. Isn't that insane, dude? That's the best part. Yeah. I'll kidnap you.

I'll break your legs. Lord knows what else will do. Okay. I'm at... Like, save, and subscribe. I'm at... That's the best. I should start doing at the end of my videos.

I'm at... Dan Songsa. Have you ever been there? In L.A. is one of the best fucking restaurants in Korea. It's amazing. It's like all smoking there. They do all these, like, fresh... It's so fucking good. I'm first half the other day. I'm feeling good. I dressed up. We're waiting at the way outside of this parking lot. There's some

homeless people. Jefferson goes to the bathroom. This very scary homeless man comes right up to me. I'm standing alone for two seconds. He goes, well, well, well. And I'm like, please know. Looks me up and down. He goes, mm-mm-mm.

And I'm like, Okay, there's a lot of people in the parking lot He could talk to him. I saw your skittles at. Comes right up to me. He's so gross. He's like, you hear alone? I go, no, I'm not.

I'm not here alone. He goes, you couldn't handle all this dick anyways. And I went, what? And he was like, yeah, I'm skinny. Where do you think it all went? And I'm like, texting Jefferson. I'm like, get the fuck out here. And he's like, then he's like standing beside me.

Not, now not hitting on me anymore. He goes, look that girl over there. Now he's like using me to like, I go, I don't want to do this. And then he walked away and I was like, that's all I would get. A homeless man? Like I was feeling so good.

I just did a very good set. And I'm like, if I wasn't engaged with Jefferson, that would be my other option. Yeah. Homeless man. With all this. I'm like, this is pathetic. This is sad. He hit on you, though.

I've never seen that many skin tags on one person. But doesn't it feel good to get hit on? By a pile of skin tags? No, it doesn't actually. I actually hate to bring you to you to you. No, I'd actually rather nothing. Dude. That was it.

Like, 2000, I'm dating myself three or something like that. I met this bar in L.A. And it's, you know, like some bars, dark with like low light. And a woman came up to me. And she was like, hey, you know, I think you're cute or whatever. Here's my, like, can I get your number? She asked me for my number. And I was like, oh, okay.

And I was like, you know, flattered. Yeah. She calls me the next day. Oh. She's like, do you want to go out? blah, blah, blah. I'm like, all right, I go to pick her up. Fucking sun's out. Oh, son's bad.

Oh, man. Sun's bad. First, I go, oh. No, you didn't. Jesus. No, you did not. Yes, dude. Tom, you did not say that.

And I was just like, oh, my God. And she had, she put up like a flower in her hair, you know, one of those things. And. You did not. You, there's no way in fuck. Yeah. You went, oh, fuck off. I didn't say that.

No, there's no way. I didn't say that, but I was like, come on. And then the whole time I'm like, how do I? I'm young. I don't know how to handle it. Sure. So I'm just like, you know, she's like, let's go to this. There's a party.

You're like, the flower should go. I put the flower. There. And then I took her to the party. And then a whole time I'm like, it was a daytime thing. Okay. And so there's music and I was like, all right. And then she's like, you want to go to this thing?

Or like, I'm like, yeah, why don't we just kind of just wrap this shit up, you know? So then I drop her off and she goes to give me a kiss and I give her the cheek. Oh, oof. I gave the cheek. And I was like, you shouldn't advertise like this. No. You were in a very dark place. Well, she knows what she's doing.

That's like there was a guy that I went out with and then I only saw him at night. And then I saw him the daytime once. And his teeth were this, they were this wood. They were slabs of wood. It was, I was like, unbelievable. Yeah. I'm like, I kissed that. Yeah.

Those wooden coffin teeth were in my mouth. This woman's skin is what did it to me. Skin. The skin was just. What was it? What was I'm like acne? Craters and like scars. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you, um, sorry. Do you have a thing for teeth? Like nice teeth? I do. Have you not seen my? No. How many teeth do you think are in his mouth?

Wait. What is that? Is it a square? It's so straight. Yeah. It doesn't round. It doesn't... No, no.

How does he even close his mouth? Well, you know, I asked the same question, and you know what Cougar and our staff said? He's Asian. How does it make any sense? I guess he was just saying that's what happens there. This stays open all the time? Dry. I mean, look at those teeth.

I mean, he's got a great voice, but the fucking teeth are just... They're all the same size, too, kind of. That can't be real, right? Where's the top? No, that's going to fall out. That's going to fall out. Is there a top? It appears as such there's not a top.

I don't think he would need a top if that was your bottom. Yeah, that's enough teeth. You're good on the top. But the fortress of teeth that he has at the bottom are just going to smush things against the roof of your mouth. And I feel like there's forest. It's almost like it looks like a horse's teeth. It does. It doesn't look like human teeth.

They could have got that if like in these countries, I don't know if they can get veneers. I would have taken it back and go Could you round them a little bit Around the sides The edges are very very square I kind of don't mind the straightness of them though But even out here don't you want them to just No but I feel like now you have more room in your mouth

If you have just a wall of teeth at the front I feel like those teeth maybe grew his mouth Maybe he had like a really small mouth And they're like if we give you 45 teeth Oh to stretch your mouth out Yeah yeah yeah Yeah I need to see the top

Yeah It is a lot of large teeth. Yep. That's a lot of teeth, man. It's a lot of fucking teeth. I do like teeth, though. Jefferson's mouth is my favorite part. Really?

It's so clean. It's so clean. He never has bad breath. He's got amazing teeth. Great teeth. Great dental hygiene. Oh, yeah. He's like flossing right now.

If I face him right now, he probably had a floss stick in. That's great. That's really good. Good gum health. Great gum health. Man. Because I've been hearing about people getting their gums, receding and having to get like the roof of the mouth.

plants it on. Yeah. I don't want that. I think that's happening to me next. You get your, you're receding? Yeah. Get some of that guy's gums.

He's got a lot of gums. That'd be great to get this guy's gums. Because people have been getting cadaver gums too. Yeah. If you don't have enough gum, because they scrape, like the roof, they take from the roof. And then they surgically do that. Yeah, that's coming up for me. That's kind of neat.

They told you that? They said you should inquire about it. Yeah. They're not, they're not at emergency level, but they're like, yeah. You don't want to get it to emergency level. It's too late at that point. I know, I know. Then he'll expose nerves.

Fuck. Has this guy where he gets this? I can't believe you haven't shown me. Now I'm offended. You haven't shown me a super gross one yet. I know, right? You don't have one? There's no way.

I don't think we have. This is a fun one. This is fun. Trust. Because this is what we do. Because we call trust. So these two guys. Trust now and again.

So we've got 11 floors. So he gets on the elevator with his friend and he's going to drop a hot fart and then lock his he's locked his friend into the elevator It's kind of gross Oh, you take this is brus down. We have to build it. That's a little drop of me He's a cabalas side to garlic It's what I'm onions Unions Oneeons man

Have a waff He's gonna throw off, he's gonna throw off He's gonna throw off Have a little wharf Oh, God. He's going to barf. Go on a bit of garlic. Let's waffa'am.

Let's waft. Go on. Last waff. Last waff. Last waff. That's so bad. But that's real friendship, though. I would never talk to that man again.

That's so gross. What if one of your girlfriends did that? As if, I'm the girlfriend that'd be doing that. Like, as if I'm not the one doing that. That's so, that's bad. Yeah. Jefferson Farted was so bad the day, I had opened every window in the house. Really?

I thought he shit his pants. And he didn't? No, I sharded a little bit. You did? Wait, what led to it? I was just sitting there lazy to get up. What did you eat before? No, nothing.

I don't know. I always have shits. Really? Yeah, something's going on. Maybe I got something checked out. But it wasn't like a juice you had had or anything like that? No, no. And you sharded?

Yeah, and then I had to change my pants of my shorts and wiped out on the couch. Were you? So you're, at least you're home. That's what's the grossest part. I could have just gotten in the bathroom. And I knew, you know, you know you're sharding. You barely, it's like everyone who sharts goes, I know. So you can feel it.

When it was coming, you're like, I'll see if I can get away with this. I think I knew. You just wanted to shit yourself? I don't want to shit yourself. I don't want to shit myself. I was just comfortable. No, I didn't want to shit myself. I was just comfortable.

I was so comfy. I couldn't get up. No, I didn't know for sure. if it was going to be that much. I cannot believe you did that. You got to add to too much. See, that's good. That one is so good.

That's so great. Big gulp. Big gulp. Why do saber type two does not even exist anymore? Is it because those teeth are really hard to brush because they're so long and sharp? I get it.

Let me know. You know something crazy? He's single. Isn't that crazy? That made me sad. What about it? Something like that makes me sad. Sabah taibah tooths?

That made me upset. Really? That, because I just like, what's... Poor guy. Yeah. All right. Makes me sad. You don't feel bad for that?

I mean, he's got an interesting question. Why don't Sabretooth Tigers exist anymore? Is that what you're sad? He's sad because those animals are... His dick and balls are out right now, too. If you're looking at... that thinking that guy isn't just going like this with the bottom of his ball sack?

You're crazy. Why do sigh my poop? Hi, guys. That's exactly what's happening. Flosset is all hell too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. There's no blood going anywhere.

It looks the same color as his face. Very light penis. Yes. Which, it actually is probably a shade lighter. It gets no sun. It looks like almost quite, no, no. What if it only got sun? He just headed out, just sizzling on a towel.

Every time he gets his male, his fucking dicks out. It's, it's, it's, So white and it's like it's see-through almost. It's like a fresh roll. It'd be crazy if he has like a hog on him. He probably does. He probably does. That's the worst part.

Oh, man. I know. And now that's what upset you. That he's got a big dick. Yeah, because you're like, now it's sad. Now it becomes sad. Because he could be out there just living his life. He's living his life.

He's not meeting chicks. He's like, do you like side what to tiger? He might meet somebody. He could be. Could meet this chick. Oh, no. My last monster's drink. What I'm going to do?

cry about? M. Yes. You like monster? I'm never drinking a monster again. Why? You know what?

That was good for me to see. I'm going to go to this Korean place when I get to L.A. to stop drinking I need to lose weight. And now this, I'm never... You're going to go to the Korean place

with the homeless guy outside? No, the Korean place. You're the type of... Oh, you're too big. Yeah, you're too big. Yeah. And then I'm going to now play this anytime I want to drink an energy drink.

Dude, that's, yeah. I think that must be what happened to the eye. There's no way... How does that... How does it? the eye do that to somebody? If you're drinking that many monsters a day.

How many do you think she's drinking? Oh, four or five probably? That's a mega, oh, it's a mega monster. That's a mega. So she's probably having what? Oh, look at the dirt and the nails. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Stinky.

That's a stink. That's no good. See, if that was a friend at the poker table, she would be all holes open. No airtight. Dude, that story's so insane. It's not real. It's not, right?

There's no way. People make up. everything now. I know. I'm making things up. Four people at your boyfriend's poker party. And everyone was just like, yep. Yeah.

All your friends are perverts. They're like, let's fuck your girlfriend right now. Yeah. And they all are like, I don't have any anxiety about doing this. And none of them had a wife or a girlfriend. They just did it? Yeah, it's fine. I don't think so.

There's no snacks on the table they had to move. It's just nothing. It just all happened organically. It sounds like a movie. It sounds like make sense. It's, that's a porno. I'm with you. Google.

That wasn't his ass. Yeah, that was his ass. That's what was me on the couch, isn't it? Yeah. That's his ass that he needs to go wipe it. Yeah. And it always has that, you ever have like those snappy ones? No.

Never? One long wet one. How much shit was there? Not a lot. You were so quick to answer. Not a lot. No, but it was, it came out forceful. It came out maybe kind of like that.

You pushed it hard. Oh, yeah, pushed it. Yeah. It wouldn't not push it. I push out a lot of my farts. Do you? Oh, yeah. I don't know why.

I feel like I got it sometimes. You can't get it out. Yeah. You shouldn't hold on to it. No, it's bad. Yeah. It's a health risk. It's a health risk.

Yeah. You fart a lot on planes? No, I think it's so gross. But I fart a lot the second I get off. That jet bridge? I can't hold it. I'm sorry. Dude.

Don't stand behind me. That's your fucking jeepridge. I was just on a flight where as the guy sat next to me. He farted. Yeah. And I was like, and I let out. an audible like oh my god

and he didn't look at me you have to sit next to someone and they go oh my god you're a celebrity that's crazy and he was just like he stayed down I was like bro and I did a dramatic I was like Jesus Christ

I do this on the planes I go please stop it's a big ordeal I can't I'm sniffing too much yeah that's rude you can't this nose it's gonna sit there the whole flight I got the old Adrian Brody's gonna hang out of Adrian Brody's nose come on

you have a great nose I don't, look, my fiancee loves it, so I don't know what shit's ass. Yeah. How does it? Who gives us shit? I don't. Do you like pranks? No, what are you doing?

I'm not doing anything. I got a video of one. I hate pranks. Really? It's gonna be mean. No, this one makes me laugh. I thought it was funny. That is because he'll be mean.

No. You're sick. No, no, it was fun. It was sweet. Okay. See how funny. Tickle, tickle, take all. He's just pretending to tickle.

Take a monster. No. Tickle That is insane How did he not get slapped? That guy's face If that was my dad And that man did that

He would be fucking in the hospital I believe it My father, Pete Tolov If someone fake tickled him That's it And they're like, I'm the tickle monster He would kill them Yeah

Oh Tickle Tickle monster No That's crazy That's crazy Got an attitude by the every time Yeah

Wow. See, he's kind of amused here at the end. He's got a little smile on his face. He is. He is amused, but I think he's amused too that the wife kind of stuck up from. The wife was, no. Yeah.

I would do that. If someone did that, that's so annoying. See, Jefferson? Yeah, it is. He's very annoying. I have to admit, I would not be amused if this happened today. There's no fucking way.

That guy does that to you off an airplane? Yeah, no. It's crazy. You're all fucking built up with gas and that guy's doing that? I think the culture of these video pranks now is crazy what some people. The one I love the most is when somebody's sitting like at the mall, you know, just sitting there just like taking a break, like sitting on a,

and someone will walk by and just pass them a note. Oh yeah, and you watch them read it, whatever? Yes. Yes. And then it says like, I've taken four shits today. Yeah, yeah. That's funny. That's funny because you're not really like doing something to that other than just handing them a piece of paper. Or if you, the normal one gets me, the guy in Central Park that has a those insane farts. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Those make me,

and then he'll just do like a flip and a spin. And you see people. Those kill me. Because it's also not real too. So it's like this, he's using a fart machine. It's a far machine and it's so absurd

and that. Those are my favorite. I kind of, I watch it. I go, I wish I did that. Yeah, that was. I wish I thought of that. That one would be great to have thought of.

Oh, God. Yeah. It would be so viral. Oh my God. And then you'd be like, come see me at the fucking punchline. Yes, every weekend. But then the whole time they'll want you just do that.

fart. Yeah, the whole show and I'm like, so depressed. And my whole side's just me farting, fake farting. You guys want to see some farce? Yeah. They're like, yeah.

You just hold the mic back and they're like, they're like, great. And then I'm like, Netflix gave me now. Is you some buck? I haven't seen you since 85. This is a fun one too. This is where the guy recording just goes up to men

and flirts with them. Okay, okay. It's kind of harmless. Okay? Yeah. Who are you? I'm Mitchell Mitchell?

Yeah You remember me? No I think we met a dairy queen One time Okay Yeah I don't know

Your name's William right No, it's David Oh shit So they He does stuff like that But then he'll See that's nice Yeah

Sometimes he'll be like I like when they're They walk up to like A middle age or older guy And they'll be like You're fucking cute as hell And the guy's like What?

He's like you're just cute as shit man Because he's not like a costing him. He's just giving him a compliment. It's the accosting. And then the comedy is kind of in the way the guy receives the compliment, you know? Is your middle name, William? No. You might have some wrong person. Yeah. I don't know. Okay. You look just as cute as he did. Okay. All right. What you're sipping on? Why? I wish it was me. Okay, I'm looking for tires.

Keep it safe. That's nice. That's nice. It's showing how homophobic men are. That's nice. That's essentially the whole bit. Yeah. I like that bit.

And then every once in a while, he'll come up to some older guy in a grocery store and he'll be like, God, you look cute as hell. And the guy would be like, you think so? And he's like, yeah. I'm going to go into the car right now. And he's like, yeah. And it'll be like, like, yeah. Oh, shit.

guy who's like, sure, man, yeah. Let me just buy this real quick and then we can go, man, to the car. Oh, God. Those must really throw them off. Yeah, I think those probably do throw them up. I was like, this is probably like, fuck this guy's going to fuck me. We could. I have to do it.

I said I would. The bits a bit. Commit to the bit, man. Commit to the bit, man. That's what we all say. That's always it. Don't. Commit to the bit. Don't.

All right. One last one. Okay. I know it's going to be. Something funny just to laugh at. No, it's not. Yeah. Steph, come on.

It's not. Come on. I'm scared. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Oh, so many more times. Oh, heaven's to Betsy. The bird chirping is crazy.

He died. No, he didn't. Yeah. Tom. He didn't die. He's okay. You don't know. I think I do have a thing here.

You don't have a thing. I do. That man could be dead. There's always an aftermath thing. Is there okay? Yeah, this is not available. So he could be dead. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. God damn it. At least one's my plane crash one because I do have to get on an airplane right now. Yeah, no. Do we have a plane crash for you? Don't. I don't think we do.

Do we have a crash? Don't. I have to fly. I'm going to be scared. Don't do it. Steff infection. Yes. Look it up.

Produced here is on Steph's YouTube channel. Thank you very much for working with us. Thank you very much for working with me. We're thrilled to have you. And, of course, people can look for dates at punchup.l.Live slash steftolev. Any upcoming dates? Are you gig in? I'm starting in September. Yeah. September's coming in hot. Indianapolis, July 17th and 19th, and then the summer's kind of...

Chill. We're going home to the cottage. We're drinking. Yeah, enjoying life. Enjoying life. We'll see. Don't fuck off, you guys, 23 hours ago. Oh, that just happened? Jesus Christ. And you guys book me on Southwest, for fuck sakes. Did me?

I don't trust it. I did? I didn't do that. No, no. I needed this light home. I have a show tonight. Oh, okay. Oh, you have a show tonight?

Well, yeah, I do shows in LA all the time. Yeah, okay. Okay, are you doing the store? Great. It's always great to see you. Thanks for having me. Thank you for coming in. Of course.

We love you. Do you want to see this crash real quick? No, fuck off. All right. We'll see you next week. I really like that. I like that. Cool stuff.

Like stuff, neat stuff. I like that. I really like that. Let the conversation begin. Here it comes. Yes. Holy cow. Holy cow, it's right.

Just glassing. Just glassing. Let's glass. Let's glass. Holy cow. That is awesome. Just glassing. Just glass and.

Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's laugh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Sweetness.

It's pretty cool, man. And it's a... Happy birthday. See, him. Sweetness. Happy birthday. Gee, gee, gee, gee. Wow, look at that.

Just glassing. Just glassing. Let's glass. Let's glass. Glass. And let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass.

Let's glass. I really like that. Happy birthday Two G, sweetness Happy birthday Juice glass and Just glasses Happy birthday

Gee Gee Gee Ah Ah