Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Alec Baldwin DEMANDS His Bag Back w/ Ryan Long | Your Mom's House Ep. 867

Episode Date: July 8, 2026

Christina P is back touring! Check her out in Chicago September 18th and 19th. Get your tickets at https://christinap.com/pages/tour-dates SPONSORS: Visit https://www.sleep.ME/YMH and never fight with your partner at bedtime again. Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://Talkspace.com/mom Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/ymh What's up there, chomos! Tom's out. Christina P is holding down the Mommy Dome with Ryan Long, Canadian sketch comedian, content creator, and a man who recently received a cease and desist from a testosterone clinic over a joke photo. Ryan opens talking acting and shares one of his sketch videos, Doyle the OnlyFans pimp who thought he'd be living the life and spends 90% of his day rating strangers' dicks. They also open the show with Alec Baldwin fully losing his mind at over a missing bag in a video that feels like a parody. From there: Ontario passed a law allowing all women to go topless in public, the tits you actually see at the nude beach are not the ones you pictured, and Austin has a shirtless jogging epidemic with zero enforcement of chest hair standards. Plus, a cool gal accepting boyfriend applications on TikTok and Christina and Ryan do their civic duty to find her a man. They also review Cowboys for Angels, a straight male gigolo site that Ryan correctly points out uses completely gender-neutral language. Then a Tulum trip story ends with Christina inserting off-brand suppositories into her hotel mini fridge so they'd stop melting before she could use them, and the cleaning staff tidied the wrappers and put them in a glass jar. She would like you to know they were unused. Finally, Christina's TikTok Curations: a weather reporter who unexpectedly quotes Edgar Allan Poe, a body percussionist who is simply not ready, a man posting his phone number who specifically says not to ask for money, a woman who attempts parkour and lands on her face then immediately says "I'm fine," and a leg hair identity video. Enjoy! Your Mom’s House Ep. 867 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:04:37 - Opening Clip: Alec Baldwin 00:14:53 - OnlyFans Sketch 00:17:36 - Canadian White Trash 00:28:57 - Lets Help Jenny 00:39:31 - Love for Hire 00:44:21 - Swingers Resorts 00:54:30 - Hairy Canadian Woman 00:59:32 - Christina's Curations 01:11:53 - Closing Song - "How You Say Cucumber" by Micah Akervold Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. OMG. I'm so excited. I finally have this person in studio. I have been obsessed with you for so fucking long. Please put your hands together for Ryan Long. He's finally fucking here. What a dream to be in the, your mom's house, young mom's house. Young mom's house. You guys have the best operation going known to man. I'm used to walking into my, We have a floor that's just like full of zins and dead bodies. This is, everyone here is probably good at their job. Yeah.

Well, I was telling you before we rolled, is like Tom and I started podcasting, what, 15, 17 years ago when it was just like, we had a little soundboard and then two microphones like this, like the fart mic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then over time, you're like, oh, that's not good. Half the time you forget to record. Well, that too, yeah.

So you just evolve over the years and here we are. Anyway, I'm so fucking pumped that you're here because if you don't know who Ryan Long is, go to Instagram and watch his sketches because I fucking fell in love with you when, like, during COVID, when I think America's asshole was the tightest it could possibly be.

Sure. And then you were like, let's make fun of everybody. Like, non-binary's, check. Like, everything and anything, check. And I love that about you. You know, it's fearless. I always kind of think that sometimes people will say that, be like, you're so fearless.

and a part of me, I didn't even realize that it was crazy. We used to live in like a house where it was, you know, girls would come and be like, what are you doing? And in my mind, I was like, I thought you thought this was sick. You know, I didn't even realize. Like how fucking dumb you are, retarded. Yeah, yeah. Some of the stuff I've done that was, and when I looked back to when I was like 20, 25,

we used to do the crazy stuff where now I'm like a little less. But at the time, my mindset wasn't like, here we go. My mindset was like business as you. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't think it was crazy. Yeah, I think that's the secret to all of this is just you're just reporting what's in your head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People are like, how do you guys talk about crazies or people farting?

I'm like, that's just what we loved. This is what we talked about at dinner. And now it's the show. If you think about just in general the job of like you go, yeah, I go around to strangers and I talk about sex on a stage to people I've never met. People go, what? And you go, yeah, you're in such a bubble that in your mind this is very, what do you mean? You don't do that?

I know. I love how you make fun of women. I think it's my favorite because people are so afraid of touching even, especially in the, you know, the Me Too era, which was, you know, a good thing. But people are so afraid of calling out stupidity in any place. And I'm just glad that you do. I'll play it. We'll play some of this shit later.

Wouldn't you say that that was, if you think about, like, how people are with their friends. Yeah. That's probably what to some degree it should be. You go, if you're with a chick or you're with your friends, you're like this is how many people make fun of you. And then you go, well, once you enter a thing, you kind of change that. And you go, I think the less you can change that, the better. For sure. The less you can, is you okay?

Can you hear things? Yeah. I was doing an act out. Oh. This is, this is my thinking act of me, beep, beep. Of me entering the real world and not making any changes whatsoever. Think about it. You go, this is me talking to.

someone's grandmother the way that I would my friend loud at a bar. There you go. And people say this is not okay. Yeah, that's been my struggle. My whole life is that I don't really switch up who I am. No filter. Yeah, depending on where I am. You have a bit of a rock and roll energy, right?

I don't know if that's good because I, you know, I'll say fuck during like school meetings with the teachers and stuff. And I'm like, well, that's just what it is. I think I mentioned this to you, but I was just, the reason I'm here is doing like an acting thing. And I haven't done that in years. And you do that you forget, there was a bunch of comics there

and you forget how different it is. People were kind of looking at everyone being like, dude, you can't. What's wrong with you? Yeah. Chloe was there and I kept saying to the makeup people like, did you guys bring the ugly remover? Like stupid stuff.

And then at one point they were like, hey, you guys might want to watch out. And as an actor, you just get treated like a baby. Yeah, I don't like that. But. It feels terrible. After a week of that, I think you start being like, Yeah, I'm like, amazing.

I'm a king. Okay, so we're going to get into that because I've got a fucking, should I open on that now? Sure. It's kind of a longer opener. You're going to shit your panties. I mean, or maybe not. This is so our word. Okay, I'm just going to open on this.

The actual footage of Terry Cruz wagging it? No. This is speaking of diva and speaking of being an important actor. Just tell me, is this where you're at, like in your level of entitlement? Hold on. Hey, it's Ellen Baldwin here. We know. With a message to my friends at Iberia Airlines.

I flew from Madrid to New York on Wednesday. I arrived to JFK and they didn't have my bag. They said my bag would be at my house by 6.30. 6.30 came and left. No bag Wednesday night. Thursday, Thursday night, Friday, Friday night. That was Saturday night. I still don't have my bag.

I want to ask the people from Iberia Airlines. I was told by their online people that, the back is that JFK where's my bag I need my bag I want my bag my luggage I need that piece of luggage that was on the flight Wednesday from Madrid to Jfk we got it like does anybody from Iberia know where my bag is you don't want to see me without my dildos Bueller Bueller oh fucking I wouldn't that video have had a a low but intro song to your mom's house with Tom Segura.

He should have had a shotgun in the video. I know. Like Heart of Darkness, like full. I'm not saying something's going to happen, but I'm going to say it's in your best interest to find that bag. No, what's the movie Heart of Darkness is based on the fucking, he's in the Congo and he's sweating and the sweat lodge, Fat Marlon Brando.

Come on. Apocalypse now. I mean, he's talking like, this is an imperative. if I don't get this, I will explode. Like you're, it fucking happens. Yeah, there is. There's Alec Baldwin in the fucking Congo. His assistant's crying right now. I hope you know that.

Like, his assistant is off screen with a black eye crying. Hold on the camera. Maybe you should make a video, Mr. Baldwin. Well, it's like, it happens. You and I travel for a living. I've had bags lost on direct flights from Atlanta to Los Angeles. It just happens. And it is, he is bullying you in a situation where you have to defend the airlines, which is not my favorite thing to do.

No, they suck, of course. Yeah. So I'm, this is bad, too bad people. But Baldwin, this is the thing. If he was on set right now and he was like, you know, I'm missing something. This is like a five alarm fire. They're going to have an 80 person search part. They have a person on every plane right now crawling, crawling down the plane just to make sure it could be there.

It is, I don't think people really understand. You're right. Right. I think we should explain to people what it's like on a set. Like, they baby you like you're fully incompetent. Like, it'll, I've watched, like, Tom filming bad thoughts. Like, I did one sketch. I do a sketch every season. And I'm like, Tom will be like, um, does anyone have my energy, energy drink?

Where's Tom's energy drink? Where's Tom's energy drink? And it's like, he's okay. He's not demanding or anything. Someone has to pay. Yeah. Like, it's the talent. We'll survive.

I know. They come up to you. They go, are you, are you okay? We're just going to do one more take and we're going to get you a little break. Okay? You're like, I'm fine. In 10 minutes. I don't like it.

Well, I know because as a stand-up comic, you know, you find that no matter what level you get at, like you could be doing a theater, you could be doing the club, and you're still entering through the dumpsters. Yeah, yeah. Maybe grab an apple, half-eating apple on the way, just in case. You're always a scumbag in stand-up. like that so much. Like I, I, I don't think I could even handle the self-esteem. You could be a pretty famous person coming to a comedy club and the servers are looking at you like, imagine being

that. It's so good. But it's so necessary. Otherwise, you become like this and you're like, I'm Malik Baldwin demanding my bag. Yeah, you forget. And then you're at home being like, excuse me, where's my bib? Hello? There's no straw in my juice box. Is this? Can I, who can I fire? Do you're by yourself? Who can I fire? I know. What he thinks in the bag?

That's the thing, is he's very fired up. Right. I know. I think it might be like an Alec Baldwin laptop situation. I think it's more videos like this. It's him doing videos at other people who've wronged him. He just says, because you know how people today write it down and then you can forget about it, right?

Yeah. So he's like, you bumped me today. That's going to be the last bumping that you have. And then he puts that video on a hard. drive and then, you know, he collects them. He saves them all. God, that doesn't work for me because I've been writing the same awful things since I was 15. I've got just stacks of journals of like the same people. Just my parents. Just fucking hate my mom, my dad. That doesn't seem to go away. If you're the kind of person who's constantly flipping your pillow to the cool side but still can't

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. Writing it down doesn't help as much as you think it would. No, it just keeps rehashing my hatred. Have you ever seen they have for women? There's like dude versions, I think, but there's a woman one where they have like sites that you can go shopping on, but it's fake. So you go shopping, you order stuff and then it comes and then, but then nothing ever comes. So it's...

What? Is this real? Yeah, they have an Uber each one. Show me. Yeah, you can probably find that. There was a big, it was kind of a bunch of articles on this recent. So I think you might be able to find it. Fake shopping app.

And then you know, you browse, you go, oh, buy that, buy that. And then you put it in the cart and you press enter and nothing happens. And they have one for Uber Eats too. Stop. That's so evil. And they take your money? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, they don't take your money.

Oh, okay. I think you pay a subscription fee so you can have this fake shopping app. Oh, my, oh, that's so funny. Yeah, the guy version would be like a fake gambling app or like crypto. Poor now. Yeah. Yeah, you didn't even realize you. That was a fake dick.

You were jacking off. You go, what? Was that your sketch? Oh my God. You have this great sketch where you play like the scumbag that has to work the only fans account. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, well, you find that. It's like, it's on his Instagram. It's so funny. So a lot of these guys who are essentially pimps. Yeah. You know, like all the rappers used to rap about pimping. Yeah. But now all these pimps,

essentially what they do is respond to women's only fans. So the guy's like, yeah, I'm a pimp, but most of his day is just like, I want to suck your dick. Doing dick ratings? Do they rate the dicks? And I, like, I don't, I'm not on the only fan. So I was like, oh my God, he's right.

Like, it's probably just some dude. Wait, can we play this? Can we play this on the show? My name's Doyle, and I'm the guy here responds to your only fans. Tell me what you want to do to me. Doyle. Straight pimping. I love that.

When I decided to be a pimple on only fans, I didn't realize that 90% of my job was going to be messaging dudes, things that I want to do to them. I'm grabbing my breast thinking of your hard cock. That's a go-to-for-me. This is a day today. There's a stack of dick ratings that I got to get to.

I'm touching me with my boobs. Would you want to touch my boobs? Cindy, I'm going to need those custom feet picks my poor PMK. If eight pigs are getting hungry. I mean, these guys are losers. They're sexting with a guy all day. Well, okay.

It's different if you're pimping purposes. He's an entrepreneur. Believe me when I tell you, he is a freak. Okay, I gotta take a little bit of a break. Okay, break time's over. Here's my big boy. I print them out to make it more organized, so this is just a folder full of dongs.

I did want to focus originally on just kind of the pimping part, but a lot of those girls are messes, so they can't really be trusted to respond. Do you know what's funny? When I did that video, a lot of OnlyFans chicks found it funny, right? Yeah. And they were like tagging the guy like, that's you.

Well, because you gave them all names like Britney and Ashley. or whatever fucking. But Doyle. Doyle is such a piece of shit name. I love a good, you love a good piece of shit name. Like only. Spencer's a cunt.

Doyle's a piece of trash. But Doyle is like Florida trash. Or is that Canadian trash? Because you aren't Canadian. No, Doyle. No, you're right. Doyle is trailer park shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, he dirt bikes. He knows the tracks. He could have went bro, actually. Not that there's any money in going pro, but have you got the monster sponsorship, he'd be doing okay. Well, so you're from Toronto. I grew up... Six.

Yeah, whoo-whoop. I'm born in Windsor on Terrible. But I moved to the U.S. when I was like four, so I don't really remember it. Yeah, but your parents lived there for long enough that they probably put some of that in you. Yeah, I'm garbage. Like, inside, I'm still fucking trash. So what's, like, Toronto Trash? Is it like trailer park boys?

Toronto Trash is a little more hood. you know like Toronto trash is more city trash right so this is more you know projects little methie right the trash is small town like fucking you know hockey players like it's a full fucking body just drank a

friggin' 12 pack eh me and the boys just gonna play some puck down there eh you're yeah we all banged each other's wives but we went to high school together so what are you gonna fucking do eh she's a bit of a puck pony but I fucking wifed it down whatever I love my shit dude

And then the Toronto, no, that's the small town can accent. The Toronto accent is, you know, for real, though? Actually, no. Oh my God. Have you seen Toronto accent videos? No. I feel like this is so up your alley. Let's see it.

So they have this, like, kind of gangster accent they invented. Like, it's sort of, Drake talks like that a bit. But people go viral and they go, yo, for you know, obviously. Like, yo, I'm not even messing around, y'all. If you want two-toos, if you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah.

That's a horrible accent. It is the grossest accent. It's terrible. The American gangster accent is sort of the rappers kind of go on and they act like they're like actually mentally retarded. Yeah. Like you ask a question. He's like, yeah, I don't even. Oh, maybe.

Oh, what day is it? You know what I mean? The Toronto one is, y'all honestly? That's horrible. It is really terrible. Yeah. And people have made that joke.

But like, there's women with that accent. Imagine like having sex with a girl and she looked back. She's like, you know, harder? You know, actually, fam? Yo, why are you coming so quick, though, actually, for real? It's garbage. I used to do it think about the small town girls. They say Frigg during sex.

Oh, no. Well, Frigg. So gross. You know what I saw the last time I was in Toronto is there was a big fat lady walking around with no shirt on and no bra. Dude, and her tits were fully swinging And she was just, she wore like a handbag But then her tits were so big that they were doing this And then I was like talking to the driver

I was like, dude, what the fuck? This woman's just got her tits out And nobody's like doing anything. And he's like, yeah, it's an indigenous people's law. Like they petitioned to be able to walk around With their tits out. Have you seen that? Wait, the indigenous people

Like, okay, Google the fuck That is funny because they're better. at getting laws passed. So maybe, do you know what I mean? They really work that shit. So maybe every dude was kind of like, can we get some tits out? And then it took a native guy to come and be like,

no, for real, though, this is going to be a problem if you don't let them out. We need the puppies. Under Toronto law, it's completely legal for all women to go topless in public spaces, including in Toronto. I actually had a funny idea. Under Ontario.

So this is my province, too. To everyone, regardless of heritage. race or gender you've got to do a sketch about this well to me the funny part about this would be when they're doing the when they're doing the the final bill like the one guy who was against it and everyone's mad at him like what do you like the one guy that's vetoing I just think it's like are you gay what are we doing here like the one guy it's like I just don't think it's decent like buddy like it's not the time it's tits bro but that is true like at the same time you don't want to be walking through the park with your kids

and see some lady with big old flapjacks. Especially the ones you described where it's doing the... Yeah. What's the thing called with... The balls. Yeah, the inertia. It keeps going forever. That's very true.

Yeah, because then you have to, you know, I got two little boys and they're coming around the age where it's uncomfortable to see me, like, you know, sitting down to pee or I don't shower in front of them or anything. Like, I don't want to fucking explain. I don't want to fucking explain big, big donkey tits to my sons. But whatever, dude. Anyway, it's pretty exciting if you want to see some tits in Toronto.

I have seen a few of it, but I mean, it's one of, it's the thing that it's kind of like when you think of swinger parties and you're just like, it's not who you want to see naked at these parties. Like, have you ever been to hotel lobby where they're like, yeah, we do the swinger convention? You're like, I thought this was the meth convention. But that's the tits. when you go to the beach in the you know Toronto Bluffs and you're just like well it's tit time the three sets you're going to see

you're not going to be not who you want to write home about and that's the thing is that they need to make a second law which is like you can go topless but they better be good yeah you got to be in shape you know what I mean you have to get your certificate

so yes they need to create an entire office yeah government and then they find out it was just like everyone's got their certificate certificates the government's like we don't have well then whose garage was that what did I just drop 200 bucks

in that garage that's amazing yeah you have to carry a license to show your tits in public yeah and that's more than fit and by the way they're pretty liberal with it but there's a point where you're like come on come back and uh you gotta meet us halfway yeah because like here in Austin there is um an epidemic of men

who jog shirtless they only jog shirtless here and in the beginning I was very taken aback by that because it is unhygienic. I mean, I'm sitting on a park bench and you're jogging past me. Sweat stripping. Yeah, bro. And then like some of them are not hot enough to be doing that. So then I do feel like there should be some standards too.

Like, should I petition to start a law about that? Yeah, that is fair. And I was going to add to it if you're, if you really want to drop, if you want to go shirtless, shave the chest, I think. Wow. Because the hair is a problem. Because if you're talking about sweat. That's, you know, less, I think that without the hair, you're going to get less sweat drips.

Wow, it's so true. I didn't even think about that. It should be mandatory. If you want to, it's balls in your cord. No one's forcing you to run topless, yeah. Nobody is. Yeah. But I'm glad they do.

If you want to, there's a couple of rules, yeah. There's a naked bike ride. I think there might be everywhere, but there's... Portland, I've seen that. Yeah, there's one... It's disgusting. Real gross and real old. Unexpectedly old.

There's something when 70-year-old dudes hit 70, they're just like, don't give a shit. Let it fly. Yeah, because I've gone to nude beaches in like San Francisco or in Europe somewhere, and you get pretty stoked at the idea, and then you go there and you're like, no, these aren't the people I wanted to see naked. It's never. I think it's worse for a dude because you're like, I'm going to go to the nude beach

and you find out it's actually the gay nude beach. It's always the case. Do they turn Barton Creek into the gay nude beach, right? Don't they just fuck? Maybe? You know. You know, Josh, you're homosexual. Must have missed that one.

Isn't there, there's like a, like, Barton Creek is like families and stuff. And then they're just like, I think a gay part of it. There's a hippie hollow. That's it. That's what I'm, and they, what do they do there?

It's like a nude beach situation. It's more of an anything goes sort of situation there. Anything goes. And then one fan, like kind of progressive family where the, you know, the mom's kind of like, this is natural kind of, you know. Fuck off Fuck off

I feel like you're thinking that Because the first time we went here In like 2021 we went to Red Ash Yeah Remember our waiter was like gay as shit Yeah What do you do around here And he's like

Oh yeah you gotta go down to the To Barton Creek And swim down the river You're like oh well Okay so gay people go to Barton Creek It's a wild recommendation I feel like you just locked that in your brain For tourists

That was so long I remember that now I remember I never remember Waiter conversations But we were all like, why is this guy recommending like hell a gay shit to us? We were asking you about... Like, what? We're asking you about restaurants.

You're like, you can take your dick out of the pier. Yeah. You sit glory hole at a partner people thing. Anywhere with a good margaria? Yeah. We don't want that, sir. What part of like, it was like you, is it any and me? And who else?

I think, I think, Nadda? Yeah. Like, we were not putting out gay vibes. Uh-uh. But that is, you know, that is the purest form of what the world looks like if you take women out of the equation. Right. For sure. For fucking sure.

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Yeah, that is scary. Hold on, though. I want to play. I've got some really important things to play. news is happening well we first let's hope let's everybody pray for alec Baldwin and that he finds his back okay guys getting bitched around by his young wife oh my god we've been talking about her for so long well he's taking it out on the stewardess now so oh here jennifer i like to talk about this i don't know this poor guy jennifer aston since we've been telepathly communicating

and you love me so much how about you go ahead and make this official on your instagram Now, how about you go ahead and make an appearance and make this official with me? Yeah. I mean, when he... She's teasing him. Right. Right?

You're getting in his head being like me and you should be together. And then she was like, remember you said that? He goes, I didn't say that. What a fucking bitch. Yeah. What a bitch. That is, you are 100% using your acting powers to tease your average normal man. Yeah.

I agree. Well, here's another part. So you know this guy. This is not... We've been following him. He's been, he's a little upset because Jennifer won't answer him, right? Like, he keeps putting calls out like Jennifer. Are people following the journey?

Yeah. For some reason she's not engaging. I don't know why. He seems lovely. It is scarier when it's a dude because you'll see like a woman being like me and Leonardo DiCaprio are together. That's true. This is much scary.

This is like actually potentially a problem. So fucking true. Oh, hold on. That's a good one. Let's help. Speaking of that, there is somebody we need to fucking help. So as you know, I love

the talk and I came across this woman, Jennifer, right? Wait, what's her name? Jenny. Let's see if YMH, you guys, I know you're out there, you guys are so helpful if we can be of service to Jenny. Hi, my name is Jenny and I'm accepting applications for a role of a boyfriend

who can handle me. So check out the highlights. That's going to work. Of course it's going to work. Her inbox is flooded. Wait, let's go into what is hard. And I'm, again, here's the thing. Like, not that I don't believe her, but I look at her and I'm like, you don't seem that

hard to handle Jenny. Like, you seem pretty docile. Like, she's just laying on her bed. She likes to be picked up. That's the hard to handle part. Physically. Just the only way I can have sex is against a wall. Bit hard to handle.

Listen, Jenny is on the husky side, yes. But Ryan, we're going to help find her love. Oh, yeah, good idea. If we can find somebody that can handle Jenny. Oh, no, what happened to our network? Jenny Nichols. I cook. I do laundry.

And once that bedroom door closes, I will renew for life for any other woman. Any questions? Hi, my name is Jenny Nichol. So that's what she's talking about, Ryan. Once that bedroom door. are closed and obviously the pantry's got to be closed and locked up to in which case that's when the that's when we start what's that fucking sketch I saw it's a it's a men's support group for fat wives wives who are yeah yeah wives

who are getting fat yeah but they're big this is the one guy showed up with a 170 pounder and everyone are like come on that's barely thick we're I'd kill for a buck 70 I love it I love when people make fun of women I love it I like when people make fun of white women especially Well the men is more

Communities Yeah You know like If you look online There is Right now I'm just You got you're pretty tapped into

You know the weird sectors Of the internet Where the guys are Putting saline in their balls To make them bigger And that kind of stuff I love that shit Right

That's It's a little more extreme What's going on On the on the male side of the corners of the internet. Well, yeah, it's only about sex and my dick and can I staple my dick and can I pull my dick apart and can someone touch my dick?

It's just so horny. You might be right. Horny. It's just horny. It's like overt. And very rarely do we come across a cool girl like Jenny. It's usually cool guys. Can we see something else?

Yeah. Let us have all this pent up energy. Oh. Who's in the comments? I need a man with enough stamina to, Handle it all She goes hard Stamima

Stamina Stamina Stamina Stamina Stamana See There is Look me up

And I think she's wearing Athletic wear Which is a little misleading Like let's I bet you someone's Going to have The time of their life

Oh look I am here my love Be Love 1B Is he black Black guys love this shit No offense any Yeah Oh yeah

Be love Because I got a lot of Nigerians in my DMs, let's just say that. Really? They love an old white blonde lady like me. That's interesting. Any black guy, I could definitely. They're down.

That is interesting. Black dudes are down. That's the specific most do you get. Do you get Indian guys? Sometimes, yeah, but yeah, sometimes. And I get, yeah, mostly black dudes. I get a lot of younger dudes, like 20-somethings are really, I don't know if it's the mom thing, like maybe they want me to be their mom, but they're always like so hot, so old.

Someone today was like, you're so hot and so old. I was like, thank you. That's, that's, that is the, uh, the big ones hurt too much of female compliments. Wait, so she's super horny. Let's see. Does she get specific? Are we gonna- My doctor looked at me as if I was sexually active and I said I was optimistic and she looked at me with a long stare. My doctor looked at me ask me Okay Oh wait How to get a boyfriend

Instead I got a How to Get a therapist So instead I'm posting this How to get a boyfriend And Google it up Yes And there's a horny That's what I'm looking for

Sick This is very rare for women To get this horny publicly You know You don't see this very often You know you don't From a normal person And you are doing her

A huge service right now because this publicity is probably going to lead to at least a couple, Dicks rolling in. For sure. Dude, we're going to find her the love of her life today, Ryan. Yeah. We're finding love.

Okay, so her handle is Jenny Nickel. He-He-H-E-H-E. On Instagram, if there's any young man out there, if you find yourself drawn to Jenny, hit her up. Where does she live? Let's see. Iowa. Centerville, Iowa.

Cheap plane ticket. Probably. Look at those hangers. She's got big naturals if you guys are into big naturals. I mean, here's a thing, Ryan. Maybe I'm very old school. Maybe this isn't very feminist of me. But I'm like, if you're going to put an application for a boyfriend, like put some makeup on.

Okay. Like, don't you think you should like brush your hair? You know, there's two sides of that coin because on the other side is also this will work. that's true yeah who am I full one yeah you are right that might help a bit but at the same time there is a demo where she is putting out

like this is going to be the easiest smash of your life which might not be true but you know what I mean if she put makeup on the guy's like now I gotta take her to dinner oh I see what you're saying this is just easier she's like this is the lowest maintenance bone you're gonna ever have I barely get out of bed I don't even I'm not gonna answer the door

You're going to come in. This is going to be like gay sex from Grindr type of shit. But if she has makeup on and she does it, you know. Then it's too much for the guy. God, that's so crazy. For the dude that's flying from Iowa on a whim. Wait, go back to that last picture that you clicked on. And I want to see there was a long comment.

If you want honesty, I'll give you honesty. First step, go to the hair salon. Get your hair treated, cut whatever you want. Ask what shampoo and conditioner will be best for your hair. and buy a little expensive I mean, he's just stuck on her hair. Is that a guy? I feel like that's a woman.

That's woman on woman violence right there. Yeah, let's see it. See who the fuck's telling her what's up. Yeah, it's a no, it's a nobody. That's a dude with a chick avatar. Ew. What is wrong with her? She started a fake Instagram account to give advice.

Ew, I mean. Let's see your hair then, you know? Yeah. But then again, I just said the same thing. I was like, can you like, maybe you should clean it up a little bit. I bet you there's a lot of guys that sent a message being like,

nah, your hair's fine. Yeah. What time? It's great. You're perfect. You're an angel. There she is. So guys,

you know what to do? Hit up Jenny. It's funny that journey only started two weeks ago, too. What prompted? It's the question, you know? Like, who's? Who got her so riled up

that it was time to take to the streets? I don't know. Because she hasn't been about this life. This is recent. Like, this is her walking. I'm talking out of a trailer park being like, you're gonna be sorry. What do you think that, you're gonna be sorry? Wait, what do you think preceded this?

What do you? Has to be a breakup. Like, dude that was banging her. Yeah. And then she left in a fit of rage, like, you're not even, you know, your dick small. You can't even please me. Obviously came back, grabbed the Oreos, and then, but I am actually leaving. I just forgot those.

And then he has to watch this. Oh, do you think he is? Do you really think he cares? I always wonder that. The thing is, when you're getting back at somebody, you're not really getting, like, I don't think, does that work? I don't know. Not necessarily that it would hurt your feelings,

but your friend's group chats are lighting up. And that's the only reason to do it, I guess. Yeah, so you're, like, embarrassed. Oh, that's so cool. Okay. So she is. I didn't see the logic. Like, you really think he's going to be, like, he doesn't care.

But his friends will care. Do you know how many times he has to say, I know. Yeah, listen, I broke up with her first. Like, that's... Jenny's fucking crazy. You guys know that. Yeah. Yeah, there you go.

I wonder if she's a kid. Ugh, for sure. She has to. At least five. Right? She has to. Well, I'll tell you, you don't get milkers like that without kids, usually, because mine were like that before I had the mastectomy and the rebuilds and all that.

It just happens. Anyway, you're from Canada. There's a, there's like, I mean, probably her next step would be after she gets the, you know, a lot of people follow her from this. Yeah. I mean, there's money to be made and being a feeder, right? Yeah. Yeah. Or a milker. Like, can you breastfeed, dude? Can I tell you something? I have this recurring nightmare that, um, that I have no money and I don't have any way to make a living. And it's like 1999 again. And then I always, yeah, like I have this recurring fantasy that I didn't make any money and I'm poor again. And then I always remember that I'm a woman. And like, I can just put my feet on the internet. There's always, when there's a will, there's a way. A guy named Will, there's a way. There's always a pervert, like, willing to do stuff.

Well, as a dude, that option does somewhat exist if you're willing to be gay. Because it's still back to a dude, yeah. Only gay. Yeah, that's true. Because do women, I don't, I'd be curious to know, like, how much. many women actually pay for sex. It's got to be minimal, no? It's minimal.

If you're a guy banging for money, the majority of that is dudes. Yeah. Well, did you ever watch that show Jigalos on HBO? No. Okay. So the premise was that it was called Cowboys for Angels and that they were straight men

having sex with straight women. And I'm like, there's no... Written by a jigolo. There's actually, we're just crushing tail. There's no way. That's propaganda. Yeah, propaganda. That is 100% Gigolo propaganda.

So women are just like, oh, it's actually pretty normal. Yeah. Because I don't see. Have you ever heard of a woman? This guy just came straight to your house from bumming three dudes. That's what actually happened. Funny to say it like that. Bumming.

Grinding dicks. Yeah, that's propaganda if I've ever heard it. Meet the Cowboys. Yeah. So click on their profile. I'm not saying never. No, I'm not saying never. But like these guys are banging straight women?

Okay, click on one. Like, okay. Quinn was born and raised in England in the true James Bond of... I can't read it because my... James Bond, that's what he did, went to a seedy motel to blow a dude. For 80 bucks.

Quinn's traveled all over the world, living life to the fullest and doing what he loves. You will not find a better companion. His exceptionally charming personality. Cells any other. Pries himself on being a great listener, no conversations, now settled in Vegas. Quinn's always dressed too impressed. He will certainly put a smile on your face. See, notice how the language is not gendered. It's not like, ladies, you're going to love this gentleman. He's a man that's gonna fuck you. It's totally ambiguous. What a great point. Yeah. Thank you, Ryan. That is exactly. If it's, if it's to ladies, why is? Yeah. The language is. Huge notice. Yeah. Gender neutral. I mean, who am I banging? I don't like any of these guys, hold on. Like, as a straight woman, no, I feel like that.

No, I feel like that's an effeminate. Alpha male? Feminent alpha male. Like, I like a normal guy. Here's a question. Do you think that guy was cheating by taking his shirt off? Like, where's the other guys were like, we're allowed to. Right.

How am I going to sell that? Yeah. Okay, like that dorky kind of guy with the denim jacket, I'd be like him. just because he looks. I was just thinking that. I bet you this guy does better because all the other guys are in the same territory. Yeah.

Like he's like the one tattooed girl at the strip club. Yeah, he's the weirdo. And like look at the guy next to him with those tight ass pants. Like that is so gay, dude. I'm not... Ray. I mean, no offense, Ray.

Those pants were way too tight. Yeah, if you're listening, Ray, you like what you're doing. Oh, he's hurt by now. Someone's told him. I don't know. Guitar? That's cheating.

That's cheating. Chicks dig a guitar, don't they? I personally, it's my worst nightmare when a man picks. I had a boyfriend that would play the acoustic guitar and sing to me and it was the most uncomfortable. I can't do it. Are we talking originals or classics? Oh my God, I'm sweating just thinking about it. Was your name in any of them?

Of course. That sucks. I know. And like young guys think that that's the way. Because they've been, they've, they read on a magazine, they read in a book, they saw it on television. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shows that were written by a guy who also does that.

Have you done that? No, it's like, it's the cliche bad thing to do. But did you do that as a younger gentleman? Not in a, like I wrote, not to be romantic. I've played guitar around a woman, but not like, hey, check this out. And not a, yeah. I said this. I go, I've written something for you.

I go, it's another morning! Yeah, that's the one I would take. I go, oh, why? The devil and the God. Please stop. Yeah. Well, that's the kind of music I would want. Someone who's sing to me.

That is funny, though, serenating with that. Not like the deep eye contact, meaningful lyrics. I make, what girls watch me drum. Oh, yeah, yeah. For an hour and a half. That's horrible. I go, yeah, I've written something for you. and she goes, how long?

I go, just getting started. As a, I'm a bad drummer. I play drums too horribly. As a bad drummer, I don't think there's anything worse than other people listening to me drum. It's a nightmare. It's, yeah. I fucking, I pity any fool that has to listen to me banging on that shit.

You literally lower the property value of a neighborhood by having a kid that drums in that neighborhood. I'm the worst. I'm the absolute fucking worst Anyway, I went to Tulum have you been to Mexico Yeah, I went to Tulum Oh you've been there too? How long ago?

I've been a couple times And don't really love it Why do you like it? Okay, so I went like 20 years ago For the first time And I liked it then Because it was kind of more feral And like Mexico

Where you could just fucking shoot off fireworks On the beach And you know, do whatever you want I mean now Dude, they wouldn't even let me rip darts on the beach They're like, oh corporate. Yeah, like you want to smoke.

You got to go to fucking front of the lobby. I had to stand in the street like a hooker to smoke my cigarettes on my vacation. Well, a guy drives by on a Uber taxi. Yeah, I like on the bike, yeah. Yeah, I love those guys. I love them. Hop on. Yeah.

And like, so that was, so did you find it to be kind of. This is what I don't like about. Yeah. It's a bit of a Miami vibe where you think there's, you're like, oh, I'll go to these cool places. And what you're really at is everything's like attached to a hotel. kind of thing. Yeah.

And you're just so loud that your ears are going to bleed. And you just wait for a $40 drink on the beach. I found it to be like a club experience. Everywhere was a nightclub. Where did you? Because I didn't stay. I stayed. Wherever the promoter told me to go.

Oh, you did like a gig? No, no. I was there. But most of like all the strips and everything was. Yeah. In my opinion, it was like Miami to me. Okay. Because you must have stayed for, I stayed further.

out maybe and it was way quieter. Oh. No. You were in the yoga retreat territory. Yeah. Like the older white lady territory. That's the two sides of it. It was, yeah, in my opinion, clubbing or you have your legs behind your head. Yeah. No. But

we passed by this place called Secrets. Can you look up secrets? Because I bet it's got to be a swingers club, right? Secrets. Like, oh, it's Huge secrets. Or a gay club, I guess, right? Like, you think that's possible?

You keep on secrets. I just thought that was such a gay name for a plate. Oh my God, it's got great reviews. Like, it's got four out, four point two. You've got to click on this. They didn't keep my secret one guy. Told everybody. Contrary to the name, my wife was actually notified.

We go down and want to, like, is it a swinger's place? Because I feel like... I think it's just to hide it. No. Secrets. You have your wedding at secrets? She's like, I've got the perfect place. She's like, why are we doing it at secrets?

My actual wife might not love this, for starters. It's a really bad name for a place, though, is secrets. If it's not a place that keeps your secrets, oh, let's see what the one-star reviews are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see. Oh my God. Secrets. What a fucking gay name.

Secrets. Yeah, it's so gay. I was like, dude, someone's got to tell them that they got to change the name. Dude, it's so far good ratings. But you're right.

If that's just a normal, like normal hotel, what do you, what? No, dude, there's butt fucking happening in there. There's swinging. Orgies.

That's secrets. Yeah, you walk in. The guy's just blowing a guy at the counter. Dude, I've been to, I went to, so I did one road rule.

challenge in Jamaica and they took us to a swingers club one night like a swingers resort I guess they wanted us all like they always wanted you to hook up on these stupid reality shows and um yeah it was people there was like a dom and a submissive naked in the buffet naked in the buffet like on a leash situation sitting naked eating where the food is and I'm like this is fucking so gross and then like yeah people just fucking in the pools fucking on the water slides you're watching this yeah I mean I I didn't part. I was just like, that's crazy. Why am I here? Okay. Taking the break is funny, though, that you watch the guy, like, just taking a breather in the corner of the cheese plate. Yeah, what? Literally, the cheese plate. Naked with pubes everywhere.

Uh-oh. Beware. Unlimited vacation club at Secrets to Loom, potential scam tactics. I want to share my experience. Okay, what is this person complaining about, Josh? I don't want to read this. Yeah, a lot of people are saying money gets stolen from the rooms if you leave it in there. That's the secret. Guess what? Your passport just got fucking stolen, dude. You're not going back home. That's the secret.

That's the secret. Our employees are criminals. Shh. Don't tell on us. Yeah. Don't leave that Google review. Every person here was fired for the Hyatt for theft. Shh.

Stupid. We don't test our food. Oh, my God. Yeah, don't drink the teut. tap water. Those sheets we just gave you were actually used. We just switch them from the other room. So it's just that stuff.

Yeah, the desk is, the front desk is rude. Check-in process is the worst ever. It's always the worst ever. Like, checking in anywhere is annoying. And never find your reservation. How do you spell that? I do find, and this might be a life hack,

but every time I go to a place, they always, a lot of times I'll get there early. Like, let's say I get there at 12 and they go, your check-ins at four. Right? And then I go, oh, well, if I go, I don't make a big stink, but I go, you know, well, if you can find a room, I'm just going to wait here.

And I just sit there like. Staring at them. Right. And lo and behold, 15, 20 minutes, they find me one. Well, that's so weird, yeah, when you just sit there and stare at it. Right. Yeah. So you go, oh, okay, well, I have my bags.

I don't have anything to do, but if you find something and you just. Yeah, or lay down on their couch in the lobby. Take a nap on the couch. They're like, tired. They almost always find you a room if you just stay there. It's kind of a life hack. Anyway. Yeah, that's a classic one.

Anyway, so part of why I like Mexico is that I kind of plan for diarrhea because you know you're going to go. By day three, you've eaten enough salsa and guacamole. You're going to shit. And then you're going to bring home that nice tapeworm or whatever it is. And then you've got two weeks of shitting. and then you're going to lose even more weight. But, dude, the opposite happened to me. I got fucking constipated in Mexico.

It was horrible. A reverse Mexican. Yeah, how did that happen? Yeah. It's so upsetting. And I bought their suppositories there. Wait, look up Mexican suppositories. I shoved so many of these up my ass, and they didn't do anything.

I was shoving it. And they were off-brand suppositories. And it was so hot. in the room because the air conditioning sucks in Tulum too. That the fucking suppository was melting in my, that's what I used. The suppository was melting in my fingers. You have to take the box off.

Do you know that? What if I was shoving the box in my ass? I'm not doing anything. I had to put the suppositories in my fridge and then cool them down and then I shoved them up my ass and they didn't work. Wait, I have the best picture. Oh my God, you're going to love this. In the meantime, I've got some live dates.

September 18th and 19th at the Den Theater in Chicago, Jizanoi. And then October 9th through 10 at Wise Guys, Comedy Club in Shart Lake Titties, Puta. And then I'm going to do the Skank Fest November 13th and 14th. I'm so stoked in New Orleans. Have you done that yet? Have you been to it? Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

You love it. That's the best. Yeah, yeah. That's my first time. I can't wait. This is the only time I'm not doing it, but. What? Ryan Long.

You know what happened is I'm doing a special. I'm putting another hour together. And it was just, we had this whole thing booked. It was going to be just too much of a nightmare. And I've done it. I'll do it next year. Yeah, the timing. Do you have some dates you want to plug before we show this video?

Yeah, please. I'm doing the Wilbur in Boston, July 17th, Rochester. And then I'm filming my special in Denver if you come out to that. And then actually I'm doing these big dates in Kitchener, Moncton, and then Nashville. And that's probably enough. but punchup. Live slash Ryan Long. But yeah, if you're in Denver,

it's getting close to sold out and I'm doing a special there so that'd be sick if you came. We'd all appreciate it. Where are you filming it? Comedy Works. Oh, yes, it does. Comedy Works.

Comedy and prayer. That's exciting. Yeah, I'm pumped, yeah. I want to do a special at Comedy Works. It is the best. It's the best. I was on stage last time I played there and in my mind,

I was like not even thinking about my jokes. I'm just like, I should do my special here. I wonder I should talk as I'm talking. I'm like, maybe I changed the roof a little bit. Oh, it's so good. It's the best. Okay, let me know when you're ready with my video. Still loading.

It's still loading? It's still loading? Anyway, I had to shed these Mexican suppositories at my ass, and none of them worked. What's the picture of? Well, I'll show you the pictures. Can you show just the still? Because I actually don't even need the whole video. Oh, it's up in the video, right.

Can you just show us the still? I don't have it just yet, sorry. Oh, that's okay. Anyway The cleaning staff tidied up the wrappers To the suppositories and put them in like a glass jar You know they put it in the glass

They're like she's going to need these later Like you guys can throw away the suppository Rappings like I should have thrown it away arguably I agree I agree But to tidy it and put it under like a glass case was so fucking rad Yeah He's like happy birthday I'm 50 Okay

As you know I do TikToks, but first I want to play this one for you, since you are Canadian, so I'm like. One thing I love about living in Canada is that as a bearded woman with PMOS, it's pretty safe for me to exist here.

Not only is this a fully safe country, but it's also beautiful. Like, check this out. It's a Friday, okay? Look at this. I am on my paddleboard in the middle of the lake. I'm feeling super grateful

for where I live, for the safety that that brings me as a bearded woman, and for this beautiful country. So happy Pride Month to all of you. That's a nice beard. It's a great beard, and it's an unfortunate time that she lives in because at the local carnival, she would have been making bank before, right? I know. It's a crowded marketplace now. I know.

Born in the wrong. You know when people say they're born in the wrong era? Yes. Yeah, you'd be bathing in it. I know, dude. She could be stacking checks. that beard. It's so nice. That is a woman, because though

tits are not implants, so that's a woman that grew a beard. P-COS, it's a hormonal thing, I think. Which I imagine... Oh, that's not... That's Natty? Yeah, no, that's her beard. That's because of a, like a dysfunction of the hormones. Which I imagine you could

take meds for it to regulate, but maybe she prefers to have the beard. See, in my opinion, originally I'm like this woman's jacked on tea right now, right? Like you, because a lot of times they get the beard, you just take so much testosterone. You're just walking around like stiff arm and everyone. Yeah. That's what I thought.

No, this is a disorder. Okay, well, that's like a very different category. Very different category. When you're natty like that, it is a deliberate choice. But then again, apropos our earlier discussion of like, there's somebody out there that's going to bang her. There's somebody out there right now. It's like, it's my favorite thing in the world, a bearded lady. Yeah.

And that you just hit the nail on the head because not only is it they're gonna bang her that's their favorite thing. It's their favorite. It makes their dick so hard. They can't believe that what they want exists. Yeah. And you know what's crazy though

is that how do people find love before the internet's? Because back in the day, she would just be made fun of in her town and her community, right? Yeah, there might not be one. How would she find the one pervert in the world like in Slovenia or whatever that like that's the one.

I'm just so happy that people can hook up now on the internet. Now the other side of that though, you are the guy that that's been your whole thing of all I've ever wanted. You've pictured it. And then she posts on the internet, you track her down. And she's like, you're like, my soulmate essentially.

And she goes, ew, get away from you, stalker. Oh my God. I know how sad. And you have to explain to her, like, we're, I don't think you understand we're meant to be together. We're soulmates. Yeah.

This is it. It's you and me, kid. God made us. I was obsessed with Aniston, but, you know, she's in my, I let her go. It's me and you forever. Oh, here's my suppositories that got, that got, I didn't use that. I don't think that's used. I just would open them and then they would melt.

And so I would like put them on that counter. So last night I came back and I opened two suppositories and I just put them like here loose. Cleaning staff tidied up. These aren't used. These are just ones I open and discarded. but isn't that nice? What a hotel. Shouts out to secrets.

Yeah, like their mints. Yeah, I thought that was so nice that they put it in my little. She's like, hey, put your suppository in a little contain. This woman has a better beard than me. I know. Do you feel jellies? Yeah, I needed to get,

you know I got in a fight with the low testosterone center in Denver? Really? Why? Actually, so I went to Denver and I made this, like, it was just a joke photo where I posted, I said something along lines of like, I went to the low T center and they kicked me out. They said, your kind's not welcome here.

Like, you know, because I'm so high tea, whatever. Yeah. Their lawyers started messaging me, sending me cease and desist to take down the video.

What? Yeah. The low-tie lawyers at the Lotee center. What a bunch of limp decks. Am I right? Is that not kind of a low-te move to get you? Yes. Very low-tee move.

Yeah, and then I was like doubling down and then the low-tie center just back. I just, but they sent me like three or four messages and they're just like, you're going to be, we're going to be suing you if you don't take this photo down. But it was also...

Don't play it on our show. I don't want to get those fucking letters. No, you don't want to mess with these guys, but it is, the funny part is in their thing. They're just like, this is slander. We never turned people away because they're teased too high, like kind of, but I thought that was... It's fun to read those letters because, like you said,

the legalese of it. Like, we do not, in fact, turn away people. And you're like, well, no, dummy, I'm a comedian. Of course. You fucking idiot You low tea You low tea Right

Okay But yeah That's a high tea one That's a high tea queen That's a better beard than me She's a high tea Okay here we go I'm so happy to have you

With these TikToks Here we go I like to showcase The marginalized communities So you will not be seeing people dancing I'm outside For a little bit Just a little bit

It's actually nice outside It looks nice Cloudy Yeah Breezy. Good. No rain. No.

But still, it's nice out. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I do not know about tomorrow. No, nobody does. But if it was like it was today, I'm all for it. Anyway.

That's it for right now. Quote the Raven. What? Choke the Raven? What did he say? I took the Raven. Quoth the Raven. Quoth the Raven.

Oh, right, right, right. I mean... Is this guy like a billion views? Or did you find him? Is that an Edgar Allen Poe? Never more? Yeah, I mean, I... Listen, he did that stupidity,

and then he throws out an Edgar Allen Poe reference, and you're like, wait a minute, this guy's not a fucking idiot. Who is this, yeah? Who are you? Now I'm intrigued. He's in witness protection. He just blew his cover? I know.

We just thought you were a dipshit, reporting the weather. There is such a market for the, I'm borderline retarded, you know. People love it. I know. Because it's so endearing. I love it. Yeah. There's a reason Forrest Gump was a huge hit.

Like, now I think this guy's playing me. Motherfucker, right? This guy goes back to his encyclopedia and laughs. Yeah. Donald ducks in his pile of mine here. Scrooge McDuffalo. Yeah. You fucking bitch.

Yeah. there's a it's a it is crazy the amount of people that are getting super famous where it's like a joke I guess where you go it's better to be like my whole have you seen I don't know if you can play it because there's I guess copyright but there's a guy

and he goes he has these AI kind of songs and he goes and I'm from Tennessee you're the only Tennessee oh that's cute and it's the worst recorded songs ever and it's a middle you know 50 year old guy and he does these bad dances is bad songs.

He knows they're bad. The audience knows they're bad. Yeah. And he's crushing it. Crushing it. Well, here. You can't compete. Well, see if you can compete with this.

It's my closer. First time body percussion on stage. This person, I'm so angry. There's people. Multiple people. No. No. Why are they watching this?

Why are we watching this? I hate, and can you imagine how long this stupid horse shit goes on for? Sort of a copycat. The original guy was the do with the spoons. That's what I was thinking. Which isn't that like an old Appalachian tradition? Yeah. Like, it's playing the, like poor people sit on the porch and play fucking spoons.

But this is just like, you know, weird, ambiguous, non-binary fat lesbian slapping her belly. That's not. Because you are right. Anyone could do that. If you are going to be a body percussionist, put the work in. Kind of. This is a guy being like, I'm the new lizard man. That's not a guy.

And then you have like one temporary tattoo of like a scale. I know. You have to put the effort in. You have to put the effort in. That to me is the problem with that because that wasn't good body percussionists. You've seen the other guys on the internet. They're going to town on their bodies. Probably come home black and blue.

Oh, I think I've seen like street performers doing it. Yeah, not on TikTok. Yeah, one-man band stuff. I didn't realize that this was an actual talent like Elaine. I apologize to the body percussion community. Now I'm understanding that she's just an inferior product to an existing community. I guess it must be nice to be able to just afford drums, but not everyone's in that situation. True.

Must be nice. Must be nice. Some people play hockey. Some people have to play soccer. Got it. Look, since your video don't work and your phone's a piece of shit, call me on your phone. [phone]. I'll pick you up.

I'm not sending you no money. Don't ask. How many times has he sent money to a chick? That's right. I'm not sending you any money again this time. Cindy, you fucking whore. Yeah. For real this time.

For real. Oh, I thought he had a tattooed head. He dyed his hair. Oh. I don't know. What's that thing above his head? It looks like a thimble, like a big thimble, like a sewing thimble. What is that?

So he wants people to call him, though, but. Well, yeah. You guys know what to do. But you're not getting any money. You're not getting any money from this fucking guy. Okay, here we go. Oh, here we go. Oh.

So fast. Look at that reload. Look at that belly. Look at that belly. Look at that belly. Belly fat. This is Alec Baldwin to the stewardess. Yeah, he's serious.

Find my bag. Where's my bag? Nice. What's the beep for? Is that the, like, shooting cameras? Is he timing himself? Beep. It's like a hunting thing or gun thing?

I think he's timing himself. He's timing himself. He sent this to his wife and he goes, oh, I have to get a job. You seen this? Oh, I have to get a job. Oh, yeah, who's making the bucks now? And then who are the pictures? What's the pictures of the photographs next to him?

He's timing himself. It's got to be his victims. Yeah. He's timing. And his belly keeps hanging out. fucking kills with guys like this there's a little bit like you know you could have done a second take you could do as many as you want yeah that was that was the best take yeah the belly was way more out in the other yeah i always think that too is like you can just take your time making this video

like there's no urgency for you to put this out there well maybe his parole officer was coming by 11 and he wants to he's got he's got to get a message like i'm you know i'm doing a checkup today and he goes, 30 seconds to make my gun video for the day. Okay. Oh, this one's my favorite. I love her so much. I can do this shit. I love her.

Yeah. I do not know myself very well. I do not know myself. I'm fine, though. I'm fine. I didn't hurt myself at all. This chick rules. I love her so much.

Hold on. Listen to her. Legend. Listen to her. lead up. It's the best. Listen. Go for it. I know myself very well. I can do this shit.

I do not know myself. This is my kind of lady. I'm fine, though. Real legend. I would kick it with her. She was the best to get ripped with? Yeah, I want to applaud that one.

That was huge effort, badass. Yeah. And then she's a sense of humor the entire time. Not for a second did she be, screw off. You know, she's in the zone, fun. Coolest woman alive. All right, we'll do one.

You want to sit beside her at a funeral. Hell yeah, dog. You know, a lot of people ask me if I'm a woman. A lot of people ask me, you know, women, how do you grow hair like that? Like that? Literally, we've been such a woman. That guy likes it.

Yeah, see, his dick is hard. The women come from all different heritage. Okay? Charitages. And we grow our hair, just his mother has intended us too. Oh my God, this is so long.

You get the picture. This broad's got leg hair. She's really into it. I mean, why do you have to be so inny? I don't know. When people get really attached to, like, their body things? I don't know.

You are right, because That becomes your schick. Yeah, it's your whole identity. You are the leg hair girl. I was doing a joke where I said that women I didn't wear makeup because God didn't finish their faces. We didn't finish guys' dicks, but yeah. And then he left the leg hair on the girls just because he was dicking around that day.

Oh, I like that idea. Yeah. Well, and also what's kind of a bummer is that like she's got a great body if you do this, like you cover the bottom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, nothing wrong with her. She's great. that one is not a hard sell it's like you're just like at the most you go all right like if you were dating seriously I think by month too you'd kind of be like can we is it

you're that attached to the leg go right you're telling me that you would pursue you would look past the leg hair in the beginning even like you think I think in the beginning look past is the wrong word because you're not even looking yeah I think at the beginning most especially you know she's probably a little young younger like dudes in their 20s you're just like oh you look past you go what I I didn't look past everything oh like you're so keyed up right right you don't even know that this so yeah if you got back and she was like I've armoured hair and leg hair you it's like an eye roll yeah at most it's an eye roll yeah I think but then by you know but then after

little things that didn't gross you out at the beginning start to be like cake this is yeah well I I think too what would become annoying is her politicizing the body hair which always like these hairy chicks are always into like talking about the fucking social theory behind it. Like can't you just be a lazy hairy chick? Good point. And shut the fuck up about like the, I've got friends that don't shave their pits and they don't have to talk about it at nauseam. You know what I mean? That's a, it's a guy who put on an extra 80 pounds and he goes, this is a statement.

Yeah. I'm making a statement against society's norms. You like food. Yeah, no one cares. Yeah, shut the fuck up. I get it. You're hairy. Okay, well, when women do have armpit hair, I'll tell you what they don't like is you pulling it.

They don't. Really? I've been shaving mine since the minute I got it. I absolutely hate it. I hate it. You know, people do always make that point where, like, someone like that would be like, well, why do we have to shave her legs? And you go, it's a fair point, but you go, men do have to shave their beards. Like, it's, they kind of say, why do we have to do it?

And you go, we also do have to shave. Oh, that's true. You guys have to do it. We don't have to, but it is society. Yeah, but if you're a guy with the biggest beard in the world, like you're also kind of making it, you're that, that's your whole identity, yeah. Yeah, it's so fucking.

But I have heard that point with people that go, you don't know what's like you have to shave, you go, do you think I don't, I do have to shave. Yeah. You can choose. And laser the backs now. Oh, God. Okay, we're going to close on this one.

Hello. Legend. That was it. Thank you so much, Ryan Long. Thank you so much for being here. It's been such a delight. I've loved you for years. And I'm so glad to finally,

I've met you in person. You're so over the top nice. What you guys have built here is insane. That was very nice of you to say you like my videos and stuff. So I very much appreciate it. I loved you. But it's very, I'm so happy to be here and I'm doing it Kurtz too.

So it's cool to finally get to be here because it's a fixture in the podcast and the comedy community for sure. And also see Ryan Long live. He's doing the Wilbur pretty soon. Right? And then see me live. There you go. Br my lipstick, too.

I'm wearing today Berlin in liquid lipstick. Actually, is that what I call it? No. Nocturn. Liquid lipstick. It lasts forever. Mogul. All right.

I love you guys. Bye, meows.