Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801

Episode Date: March 12, 2025

Missed YMH Live X? Witness our BEST Live yet at https://livestream.ymhstudios.com/ Get tickets for Tom’s Come Together Tour at https://tomsegura.com/tour SPONSORS: Go to http://helixsleep.com/YMH for 20% Off Sitewide. Try VIIA! https://viia.co/YMH and use code YMH! Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at https://bluechew.com! Try your first month of BlueChew FREE when you use promo code YMH -- just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.squarespace.com/MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code MOM. In this jam-packed episode of Your Mom's House, Tom and Christina welcome the one and only Andrew Schulz! Before Schulz joins the Main Mommies, we open the show with a cool gal talking some shit about her jealous mom, before Tom shares his deep affection for Chicago, and Christina reflects on her steamy sex dream where she and Tom were both Black (yes, you read that right). They also celebrate the return of YMH Live X, discuss an outrageous encounter with a fat and gay flight attendant and react to some truly mind-blowing clips—including a loser who's married to a mannequin. Andrew Schulz next joins in and opens up about his new comedy special, LIFE, his approach to storytelling, and his exciting journey into fatherhood. Things get real as the group shares miscarriage horror stories, blending raw honesty with some dark laughs. The chaos continues with a deep dive into Temptation Island Spain, the internet sensation Montoya, the wild content on the Zeus Network, and some guy named Aaron the Plumber who fights transwomen. Don’t miss it, Jeans! Your Mom’s House Ep. 801 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinap.com/ https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:00 - Opening Clip: Jealous Mom Hate 00:00:00 - YMH LIVE X 00:00:00 - Chicago 00:00:00 - Christina's Hot Black Dream 00:00:00 - Black Hawk Down/What Jennifer Did 00:00:00 - The Fattest And Gayest Flight Attendant 00:00:00 - 50 Year Old Loser 00:00:00 - Andrew Schulz & Pregnancy Horror Stories 00:00:00 - Tom & Christina's Kids 00:00:00 - Comedic Scene Shifts 00:00:00 - TradWife Trend 00:00:00 - Dad Things 00:00:00 - American Stand Up & Storytelling 00:00:00 - White Loyalty & Wu-Tang Favors 00:00:00 - Just Dudes Telling Dudes Stories 00:00:00 - Temptation Island Spain 00:00:00 - Aaron The Plumber Fights People 00:00:00 - Sam's Tailor 00:00:00 - Wrap Up 00:00:00 - Closing Song - "WTF Is Eco-Sex" by Gaping Dad Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's a first date like ideally for you? You're taking me to bone? No. Then come on in. Do you guys even know the secret? This is the best way to find out what we're doing. You will see when you watch this show that we spend all the money. One of the top OnlyFans content creators, Alexis Fox.

Trust me, they see every part of me. I can't believe it. You're not crazy. Content Maddie! Oh! I want you to choke me later. I just want to get hard without pills. I think Duncan might want to fuck me. I can't believe it. You're not crazy. I want you to choke me later. I just want to get hard without pills. I think Duncan might want to fuck me. That's okay. Hi Amanda this is Tom Segura you're on YMH live and congratulations you just

won $10,000. He has been posting that he is reaching out porn stars and wanting to shoot a scene with them. She just texted me she said I'm watching I'll do the scene. Hello! Alexis! Alexis! Let's do this shit. For the heavy statement everybody you know what to do.

Fuck right off. Damn. Yo! Fuck dude. She's doing her, she's doing herself. Was not expecting people wearing their insides on the outside. This is a fucking show, I hate all of this shit. This is crazy.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom. He came twice though. He did. Honestly, I'm into it. I'm excited to kick off my UK and Ireland tour this weekend. I'll be in Dublin this Saturday, March 15th at 3 Arena. Belfast for two shows at Waterfront Hall on March 16th. First show is sold out, we added a second show.

Manchester at AO Arena March 19. London at OVO Arena Wembley March 20. Glasgow at OVO Hydro March 21. Nottingham at Motor Point Arena March 22, and Cardiff at Utilita Arena March 23. Get your tickets at tomscigurra.com slash tour. I'll see you guys there. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house.

What's everybody? I'm just looking to laugh today if you want to take your bra off and send me a picture. Have fun with it. But only if you're above 18. Of course. I want you to be a high school graduate and then you're in the category of which I will laugh and nothing else. Everybody knows that boobs make guys LOL.

That's what we're always just like. That's what you love. Look at these tits. Ha ha ha ha ha. Look at these perfect tits. Do you think that the King had an overwhelming response to his plea? Like, is that why he's making these videos?

Is there just like two girls, the lot lizards that? No, he did not have an overall response. But I do think, I think he got more than you think. Here's the thing, everyone's looking for a something. I know. And some attention in some way. And so to some lady out there, the fact that this guy had followers and people commenting, he was probably,

they were probably like, oh, this guy, you gotta get a little clout interacting with him. And he probably had a few hotties, I think. Not like 10s. Not like our standards. No, no, like hot for him, you know, one of those things. Yeah, hot for him. That's wild.

Just so you know, we're talking about the king. He had an account that was for him. Yeah. That's wild. Just for you know, we're talking about the king. He had an account that was for queens above 18. Yeah. And he would put out calls for girls to show him, show him their boobs to make him laugh. Is he in here? And then he had merch.

Remember when he was selling merch? And he's like, you gotta send me an email and then I'll email you back and you write your address and then send me a check. What? Yeah, his thing was, he was like, all right. Send me a check. Send an email of the shirt you want and with what,

with the address that you want it to go to. When then we respond, then send another email back and after you get that with your size and if you want a king or queen written on it and then Jesse will get you the thing and then when, then you get the, once the money clears, then we'll send you it and you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Different.

Yeah. It's not a way to make a lot of money for sure. You never heard of Shopify? Yeah. Shit. Pull your tits out. I wanna laugh. Yeah.

Man, and you know, he's still at it. I still see him on the talk. Fuck yeah, he's still at it. Guys like that don't give up. They don't, relentless. Oh, here we go, good morning. I mean, the design is just unbelievable. The Queen's a funny thing.

I've worked with a couple designers, and this is, I've never seen anything like this. Good morning. Good morning. That is unbelievable. That is like, fuck. Let's make some videos, I wanna see them, I wanna laugh. This is like when Microsoft Word first started

and you could insert symbols, remember? And also, doesn't this highlight to how like how design is not It's not easy like to see like, you know, you see shit you're like, that's fucking really cool That's a really talented person. Yeah that that put that to get you take it for granted You're like, oh the first even people that design Your home like the furniture that you buy and how to place it Yes, just like the first house that we lived in, you know, I designed the furniture that you buy and how to place it. Just like the first house that we lived in, you know, I designed the furniture.

You know what I did? I bought fucking lounge chairs, the electric lounge chairs, the Lazy Boys. I bought us a row of Lazy Boys. And I'm like- No, you're not an interior designer. A trunk. Like we were living like frat boys

when we had our first house. You were the- I'm like, this is terrible. You're were living like frat boys. Yeah. When we had our first house. You were the- I'm like, this is terrible. You're the queen above 18 interior designer. Yeah, I suck. Oh, and I'm such an idiot. I bought like fake flowers from Amazon. I'm like, I'm gonna fake flowers.

Well, because we all think we can do it intuitively. That's what happens. You go, oh, I'll design the shirt. Design art. And you're like, it looks like that. It's like a frat house. Yeah, it's bad. It was so bad.

We need help, babe. We need to hire somebody to do this. He needs help too. He needs a lot of help. Yeah. It's not just us, he needs help. Yeah. So.

How you doing? I'm feeling good. You're spicy today. Yes, I know. I actually wanna tell people, this shit puts me in a good mood. What is this? And it's legal. And this is not a paid advertisement.

Okay. This is, it's legal. And this is not a paid advertisement. This is called Fun Guy is the company and they make Kana fruit juice. So Kana is a plant, I believe native to South Africa and it's a mood booster. Oh, I want one. Can I have one? Yes, you can. I'm excited.

I always need a mood boost. God knows I need a mood boost. That shit, you can get it online. I bought a bunch of it. Yeah, I've just seen you with these. It's delicious. Delicious. Yeah, and it does change your mood.

Okay, here we go, watch. Okay. This one, what? Oh! Okay, it says, oh, I have to set an intention, warm empathy, love. Nope, none of that. Okay.

How about love? love's good? Hmm tastes good. Maybe take two Wait take it easy So good taste good. Yeah, it tastes like a fruit roll highly recommend It's good my friends out there that want to try these can get this online and you can get it legally nice And it's called I'm into it tastes really good. I canna And you can get it legally nice and it's called I'm into it tastes really good Kana By fun guy give me another one. Yeah, dude. I like that's what I'm saying. Go for it. That's what I'm saying, bro It's good shit, bro. All right, where you start the show. Am I we have so much to talk about I'm in a better mood

Here we go. Here we go. I'm telling you you're gonna like this. You're gonna like the way you look again. Here we go Here we go, I'm telling you, you're gonna like this. You're gonna like the way you look. Fuck that piss again. Here we go. I guarantee it. Uh oh. Nancy, if you wanna fuck with me, I'll fuck with you one million times harder.

So guess what, guys? My mom got a big fat ass for a white girl, but she got some small ass titties and she was so jealous of me when I got my titties, dude. You know what? She made my dad buy her a boob job. Those tits ain't real. Those tits ain't real those tits ain't real guys My mom has fake boobs mom after eight years you might get like uh the

Sickness it's like boob job fucking infection or something with the fuck or boob job syndrome or something. It's like bad for your body It's like bad for your body. Let's talk about a mom. Yeah, dude. I get it. Listen. Welcome to your mom's house. Buh. That was... Yep.

Well, I am in a better mood already. That's crazy. That's crazy. I'm telling you when you find something that like, that works for you. Yeah. It's like you want to tell everybody. I'm serious. No, that's really good stuff. Wow.

Yeah. It's gonna, it's gonna hit you more really good stuff. Wow. Yeah. It's a psych. It's gonna hit you more in an hour. Yeah. Yeah. It's very exciting. Very amazed. Excited, amazed. What do you think of this cool chick?

Well, listen, as somebody that had a mother that was competitive with me as well, I understand what she's doing here. Like when I had my breasts coming in, my mother would shame me and be like, these are not breasts, these are little mosquito bites. And she was always jealous too. She was jealous, yeah.

And then when I got my titties, the same thing. She's like, you need to wear bra, supportive bra, you're jiggling everywhere. She would insult my titties. So this is you if you had an American mom. Oh. Right? Yeah, for sure, I'd be you if you had an American mom. Oh. Right? Yeah, for sure.

I'd be like, my mom's my- You dumb little bimbo whore. You dumb little bimbo whore. You let dad make you get a boob job. Are you fucking kidding me, Nancy? You're disgusting. You're a bimbo. Do you think old pro will be proud of that?

As a doctor, as an obstetrician gynecologist, do you think old pro would be proud of the fact that you got pressured into getting a boob job by dad And then you want to tell me that I don't deserve to survive Yikes because you want to suck that fat pig's dick. Yeah So she doesn't like that either. I thought this was just all about mom, but then she's like dad Fat pig this girl and him a fat pig. This girl and I would be best friends. I fucking feel this vibe so hard.

Why don't you reach out? Girl, I feel you. Why don't you reach out? Fuck Nancy. Fuck your fat dad, dude. You're right. She's super fucking. You're right, bro.

She's fired up. She's 31 years old. Yep. She calls her mom Nancy. Yeah. Well, Nancy probably did a number on this girl. Yeah, she calls her mom Nancy. Yeah Well, Nancy probably did a number on this girl. Yeah, she's really nasty did some shit to her Yeah, you don't just make a video like this if your parents are normal and cool I know bro if I if I was If I had a YouTube page growing up, this would be this would be my whole shit. Okay. Hey my parents her name is Katie

Katie I feel you you're right. Fuck Nancy. Fuck your fat ass dad and his tiny dick. I hope your mom's tits get infected too. Fuck her. But also, I mean, I'm just saying this for not trying to be weird. It'd be nice to see Katie's tits. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Cause she was like, Nancy got super jealous. That's right. So like hers are naturals is what she's saying. So what I'm saying is Katie, how about a follow-up video? We wanna laugh. We wanna have a good. Show us your boobs, you're above 18. Saw your tits.

Just giggling. Yeah, it's true man. It's dark shit. Very dark. She's on it. Helix mattresses. You know what I love about Helix? You go online, you take a quiz.

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We had Will Blunderfeld. We had our own Tanner in there. We had Duncan Trussell, we had Tony John. I know, I was the best. The ladies man. That was my favorite. And 20 some odd stunned women who were like, what in the fuck is this?

They were completely flabbergasted that this was a real human being. Yeah. Charo, dipping her toe in the OnlyFans with Alexis Fox. Yep. Who she's, by the way, in love with. Charo loves Alexis. I know, they're gonna hang out.

She totally loves her. We had the original short film we made for her with Daniela Pineda and Johnny Pemberton was in that. Ryan Sickler's in that. I make an appearance in it. So much fucking fun. And the great Dan Soder, one of the best comedians working today.

So that was all YMH Live 10. And you can see it right now by going to ymhtudios.com to watch the replay. I hope you do. We put a lot of time, a lot of effort into it. And I hope you enjoy it. Hope it makes you laugh. You wanna laugh?

Stupid. Yeah, that was pretty fresh, dude. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope it makes you laugh. You wanna laugh? Pfft. Pfft. Stupid. Yeah, that was pretty fresh, dude. You'll notice I'm drinking cranberry juice today. I think I have a UTI, Bruin. Yeah. So I may have to get up and piss during the show. Okay.

Don't get mad at me though. I'm not mad at you, bro. Probably your fault. I wanna laugh. I just wanna laugh. I wanna laugh. Also, I was recently in Chicago. I wanna say that was one of the greatest experiences

I've had doing standup for a multitude of reasons. Look, I grew up, I was 11 years old in 1990 and we moved to Milwaukee, which is a couple hours from Chicago. So Chicago, we have the inferiority complex in Milwaukee. Like Chicago is like the place to be, right? You wanna go to Chicago. And we would go to Chicago for a bunch of reasons.

I had some family in Chicago. We went there for field trips to check out their museums. And then this thing happened in 90, 91, which is there's a basketball team there called the Chicago Bulls. And in Milwaukee, we would get WGN, which is the local Chicago station. And I would watch Chicago Bulls basketball games.

And I was a kid, you know, you're like, you're in school, you're getting into sports, and watching Michael Jordan play regularly, like just watching full games, I turned into, like every kid was like, this is like an icon, you know? I mean, we were just like enamored with this guy. And with the team, they were like,

they became, I think for a lot of kids especially, like that's all you cared about was the Bulls. And I was obsessed too. I got to see him play in person three times. Oh, that's cool. And yeah, I was just like the biggest fan. And so anyway, I had that kind of affection for the Bulls in Chicago as a kid.

And then I played Chicago as a comedian. I started at the Improv, then I went to Park West. Schomburg. Yeah, in Schomburg. Which I was of course, you're like, I'm not in Chicago at all when you get there. No, but shout out to the Osceago Chicken. Always my favorite dish in any club.

Osceago Chicken is killer. Then I did Park West. Then I did the Vic. Then I did the Chicago Theater. Then I did UIC Credit One Arena. And then I finally did the United Center. This is where the Bulls played this is Michael Jordan's house where he has a statue and We had about 17,000 people at the show. It was fucking nuts Jeff Tate

Yeah, he wore his best outfit I can see that's how Jeff Tate dresses Oh, I know. Yeah, like a homeless person, but it's it's homeless chic though. It kind of is, yeah. Yeah, that's not... Homeless boxer. Yeah, that's like... He puts... That's a fucking coordinated thing there. Sure, sure. Um, he opened the show, he killed...

Christa Stefano was a surprise guest. He killed. And then I had a... Just a really fun set. A lady had a seizure. No! Oh, how nice. What a compliment to the chef A lady had a seizure. No. Yeah. Oh, how nice. What a compliment to the chef. It was really nice.

Did you feel somewhat good about yourself that you gave a woman a seizure from laughing? Actually, so I didn't know because of how the room is lit and you're working the round, right? The stage is in the middle for people that don't know and you just, you stay pacing. And so I saw some, the bigger a show gets, you don't want to acknowledge everything

that's happening in the room, right? Like you see people, you see security, you see things happening. So I catch something out of the corner of my eye, but I'm like, there's some, I don't know, someone's trying to get to their seat, because that's also what people do, like I'm sitting here and I just kind of keep walking.

So now I'm on the other side of that stage. I'm working this side of the audience. And then I come around again and I see that this looks like a scene. So even though I'm in the middle of talking, I go, what is going on here? And just stop, right? And somebody goes, she's having a seizure. And I go, oh shit. So I go, hey, do you want to turn the house lights on?

I go, this is more important than what I'm doing. And they go, no, it's okay. What? Did they have a medic there? They must have. Yeah, they had stretcher and everything. And I go, you don't want to turn the lights on? And they go, no, we're fine.

I go, okay. That's amazing. You know, so many times things like this happen during shows, particularly in the summertime, because you have people who are day drinking and then they'll come to your show. Like at the Comedy Store, I had somebody vomit during my set in the front row in the summertime

because it's hot in there. And then at Zany's in Nashville, a woman passed out in the balcony. And like same thing, ambulance came and stretcher came. This is not ideal for God. This is pretty, and then they wheeled her out. Oh my God. And I go, hey, you know,

if you guys are with her, I would go. And everybody laughed. Yeah. And they're like, oh no, we're not with her. I was like, oh, okay. Fuck that bitch. Well, I hope we, and then I prayed to Hail Mary for her with the audience.

Oh, that's nice. But then I realized I thought she had a hijab on so I just I just prayed to a lot first. Yeah And then I want to make that mistake. Yeah, God don't care about you know, yeah all the peeps He only cares about the right the right kind. That's right. God's very Christian speaking of Michael Jordan I dreamt the other day that you and I were black. Isn't that cool? I think you mean you had a nightmare. No, no. No, it was so crazy.

You and I were like this hot black couple. Wait, did we have the same or did we look totally different? I had like short Afro hair and I had a huge ass and huge tits, which is not, I have nothing. You morphed into somebody. Yeah, it was awesome.

And you weren't just like a black king. Like you were like this Adonis. Wow. And I had the best brown vagina. It was crazy. You were naked in this? We were doing it. Oh Jesus, you didn't say that. Yeah.

Were you like, hey baby. Did you say that? No. Well maybe, I don't remember talking a whole lot, but I just know it was you and me and we were black people and I had the, like I said, a beautiful brown vagina and you had a beautiful black penis. Cool.

And we were just banging, it was great. Yeah, I know what your search engine looks like. Maybe, maybe. And then we just banging. It was great. Yeah, I know what your search engine looks like. Maybe. Maybe. And then we just banged it out? We banged it out. Nice. I know. It's so weird that I've been having sex dreams about you, because I don't think married people do that.

Like, I'm not supposed to, right? Like, aren't I supposed to have... I don't think there's a rule that dictates it. You can just let your mind go where it goes. You don't have to force the dream. But don't you think it's a testament to my attraction to you? Yes, even in sleep I I'm very flattered and I'm sure you only dream of me sexually, right? I don't have a lot of sex dreams though What I don't have a lot of sex dreams. What do you dream about? I mean Where was last night? It was mostly Nazis last night, yeah. Yeah, that's what you're into, darkness.

You only like murder, destruction, sadness, kidnapping. I've been watching that Black Hawk Down documentary. Yeah, I know. Just fill your head full of good things before you go right to sleep. Those fucking Somalis. You don't like the Somalis? I mean, if you watch this documentary, you won't like them. I know.

I've been there. You're like fucking Delta Force, get in there. They're tiny people. The Somalis are very tall and lean people. Yeah, they are. They actually seem like lovely people. Yeah, it's just a horrible incident and time that happened there.

I know. Yeah, it's a good documentary. Okay. Yeah. You like it? What do you like about it? Just, it's a well-told story. I remember that vaguely happening.

Yeah, that's the thing. I don't remember. You think you remember, and then- What is that shit? They do a great job of, so, everybody remembers Black Hawk Down. The movie, yeah. Well, the movie and the term, like the expression,

and that it's related to that thing that happened in Somalia. But then when you watch the doc, they give you the backstory of like, what's happening in Somalia leading up to this, right? Civil war and the split kind of between different factions there and how the Americans were seen as saviors for a while. And then there's like turning point where it's like,

hey, there, you know, a couple, were seen as saviors for a while. And then there's like turning point where it's like, hey, there are, you know, a couple, the thing about trying to police a country when you're military is that you're gonna have incidents that go wrong and then the people are gonna be like, oh, you're not here helping us. And there's a bit of that. And then, yeah, and then the actual incident itself

is like there, these guys are on a mission to take out this general like the the guy who's you know the top bad guy and some of his his cabinet let's say and then it just everything just goes sideways I mean that's that's the best way to kind of summarize it everything goes you literally fill your head. Like my watch list is so different than yours. You just fill your head with violence, war, scandal, kidnapping, serial killer. It's all dark blackness. But I think that, isn't that what men generally watch?

I feel like- I don't know. Don't you guys all watch, like you're not watching Bridget Jones's new movie. No. What the fuck is that? It's like- No, you guys all watch awful things.'re not watching Bridget Jones' new movie, no. What the fuck is that? No, you guys all watch awful things. It's a lot of death.

Yeah, death. I just watched what Jennifer did last night. What's that? That is crazy, man. It's a little Asian girl and she called like nine, and she's like, my parents, they're dead, I don't know what to do. And then they just slowly discovered

that it was this bitch the whole time. Oh my God. This psycho? Yeah, yeah, yeah, hold on. See, I would watch this with you. I'll watch that. And then they just slowly discover that it was this bitch the whole time. Oh my god this psycho See I would watch this with you. Oh, I'll chat that shit's fire. Yeah. Oh my god. She looks so like fun Turns out she's just a big goofball. Yeah It's a little knucklehead. Yep Fuck did and you know that you'd go back with her if she was like come back And you know that you'd go back with her if she was like, come back.

Come back with her. I wanna show you something in my room. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, show me. Why did she kill her parents? Was she being abused like the Menendez brothers? It was just a mistake. It was a misunderstanding. That happens all the time.

I forgive her. See? Yeah, she's cute though. Thank God she's attractive. Yeah, it's a totally different story when they're not attractive. Big time. You know, no one cares. No one cares what Jennifer does if she's not hot. It's only when she's attractive. Yeah, it's a totally different story when they're not attractive. Big time. You know, no one cares.

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And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or to me. Speaking of not hot. I was on a flight yesterday from Los Angeles to Austin. I had the fattest flight attendant I have ever seen. And not only fat, the fattest gayest flight attendant Which is fine. I like you guys. Oh my god. Yeah, and

I'm just saying my Suspicion is that this airline doesn't say anything to him because he's gay and maybe it's misinterpreted as homophobic Yeah, well,'s also this big push in the airline industry for more inclusivity. Fuck right off with that. It doesn't matter. On all levels, I'm not talking about pilots, I'm talking about behind the gate

and working as flight attendants. It's about- I could have a one-legged trans flight attendant as long as he's not morbidly obese. This guy. Why does that bother you? Because he can barely fit through the aisle. It's a safety issue.

Not only that, the airline's probably losing money because he's weighing the amount of what? Two suitcases, two people. How fat is he? It affects the weight of the plane. This fucking guy, like black lady bus driver fat, like where they have a big butt that's a shelf. And he was really fat.

Really, okay, I don't know how to do it in male. If it was a woman, three bills. Okay. Three bills. It's a really big. And really having a hard time getting through the aisle and bending over and stuff. I'm like, this is not okay. This is insane.

Your job is to be able to get through these narrow aisles. Yeah, their number one job is safety of passengers, actually, for the tenants. Right. Because the, what is it, the FAA, they're lieutenants of the federal fuck your mother commission, and they can tell you to buckle your seat belts. You have to listen to them.

Yeah, you do have to listen to them. So, I don't trust the fat slob, I don't trust him. I don't like him. Jesus, you're real fired up about this. Well, because it was such a, it was disturbing. Yeah. Hey fatty! Yeah.

Yeah. Well, it's disturbing. I got it, I got it, yeah, I mean, it's too fat. And then I saw an adult man, a 55 year old adult male, he had a laptop open, watching like a cartoon, like a Japanime cartoon, like it was an episode of an ongoing series that he's into, not like a nostalgia thing where he's watching like,

oh, Tom and Jerry, like we all grew up. Like he deliberately, he brought the content on the plane and watching a full episode of like a children's cartoon. I'm like, this is nuts. Like all I could think about was like, what if this is like a 55 year old top dog on a plane? Could you ever in your wildest dreams, feel like my dad, your dad at 55,

watching a fucking cartoon in public? There's different kinds of guys. There are different kinds of guys. on a plane, because you ever in your wildest dreams, feel like my dad, your dad at 55, watching a fucking cartoon in public? There's different kinds of guys. There are different kinds of guys. Listen, this is one type of guy, okay? Well, I am. That's the guy. I am a loser.

Look at me, I'm 50 years old. I'm a 50 year old man. Still living in my parents' basement. Yeah. Acting like I'm married to a mannequin And I think that these are my kids These are these are these are dogs these are toys They're not real kids. You're not real kids. I'm a loser. I'm a failure. I've never moved out

Living in my parents basement with a beautiful man again. I mean she was beautiful. I love her so much. I do, I love you Emily. Fuck. Fuck dude. Emily's cute. This guy's a little different.

Emily is beautiful though. The guy I saw was like a professional. He was not a listener. He was just an adult man that was watching children's card the cartoons I can't find a real woman. I don't gotta rely breathing growth in an hour. I made it all up I tried to fool y'all I Had you guys pulled for a very long time to get not? You smell like Chinese plastic.

The best Chinese plastic ever that they make. This is. I'm a loser, I'm a failure, I'm a fraud, I'm a liar. Oh my goodness. I don't know, I think he's just a low IQ adult. Could you have a little bit of empathy for this poor man? No. He's got a good life.

He lives in his mom's basement. Well, here's the thing. He's got his dolls. This was such a heavy video. I mean, this guy is confessing what his, basically that his greatest fears are true. And then he breaks to smell his doll. I know. And he's like, I love, like he's going back and forth.

Like this is like a full exposure of somebody's inner workings, you know? I know. And the comment says, don't say you're a loser. You're not. Right, so that's what he's responding to. Yeah, which, yeah. No, you're a loser.

That's a crazy fucking hey, man. Well, what does this make you feel? Cause I only. Okay, I feel a couple of things, man. Well, what does this make you feel cuz I I can't feel a couple things first of all First of all, you know, one of the things I notice not a bad fit. Those are nice jeans. I like his shoes Yeah, he's got a cool chain. Yeah, he's fine. He's fine. He's happy. I like I like the outfit It is crazy that he pretends that he's married to Emily the doll the mannequin with his baby dolls but he also like there's like Peaks into the fact that he has full conversations. This man's incapable probably of a relationship with a real

Yeah, but aren't you glad that he has Emily? Yeah, I'm happy that that gives him some level of you know I know I just I do think that I Do wish that people would just be ashamed of what they're doing that's weird Like I do want to bring that back where we just kind of like just be quiet about it Like don't watch your anime on the plane Don't talk about your girl your plastic girlfriend. Yeah, just hide it just hide it because it bums me out it bums everyone out It's here to stay What is this he taught does he talk about this?

We've been married for two years now no you're not You dated you know what I've never seen her go to the bathroom. Not even once. So I'm not even sure if she goes to the bathroom. I'm not 100% sure mannequins go to the bathroom at all. I just don't know. You're not 100% sure? I don't know what she does when I'm in the house.

Yeah. So he's 50. He lives with a man. He's a man. He's a man. He's a man. He's a man. He's a man.

He's a man. He's a man. He's a man. He's a man. He's a man. He's a man. when I'm in the house. Yeah. So he's 50. He lives with his parents, so his parents gotta be up there in age. But the thing is, this guy's, he's too far gone. You know, the funny thing too is that he has that relationship, which gives him some fulfillment. And then he has a relationship with followers online.

That's good. No, it just shows you that all of that cannot substitute human interaction. No. Like this guy, I don't think he interacts with any other humans than maybe his parents. That's a good thing, though. He shouldn't be interacting with other humans.

You don't think so? Here's one thing that I think is positive. Because he doesn't know how Emily goes to the bathroom, it means that he's not having sex with her, with it. Which is kind of cool. That is 100% not true. He is fucking that doll in every possible scenario. How is he fucking her?

She doesn't have a fuck hole. That's not what he said. He said he doesn't watch her use the bathroom. Oh! He's never seen her walk to the toilet and take a shit. That doesn't mean he doesn't fill her up all the time. How gross do you think that doll is? It's full of his jizz.

I think he might be one of those super meticulous cleaning guys though. He does look clean. It might be like sparkling clean down there, but there's cum in it every day. Yeah. In the eyes, in the mouth, in the, yeah. Right, there's come in it every day. Yeah In the eyes and the mouth and the yeah, right? There's no way he's not And he probably does this thing where when he comes inside of it, he's probably like oh Emily. What'd you do?

What'd you do? Look what you made me do No, you're oh you got to clean up and then he good job and cleans already Yeah, oh my god, You're gonna get pregnant again We already have two dolls What would make you think that I have a clue what plastic holes would feel like? You're weird. Get some help. See that leads me to believe that maybe he's such a low IQ adult that he's not doing that behavior like he's not. No, you think it's inevitable. He's a man. He's still a guy. He's fucking that doll. He's fucking that doll.

Yeah, and I don't even think, I don't think he's that low IQ either. I think he's, he has awareness enough to like, have the doll, know how to pretend, dress the doll, like he's not like dumb, dumb, dumb. Well, and hold on. Well, hold on. One thing we've noticed about cool guys,

see they don't know how to upload videos properly or title them and look they're usually all the same thing. Yeah, how's he doing all this? It's the same brain that finds different holes that come in the doll. Advanced autism. Did they say that to him? Yeah. Do you argue much? Let's hear that one. Well that's the good thing about being married to a mannequin. Oh. That's the best part. But we do argue. We do argue. Sometimes. Sometimes. What does it say, advanced autism was the other one? Well actually, I wouldn't call me advanced

at playing the acoustic guitar because I'm not. I know how to play the acoustic guitar. The acoustic guitar. But I'm not that good at it. He thinks the word is. I don't know how to play one or two songs. Acoustic, not autistic. And one of them is Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. And the other one is Sweep Home Alabama. So they're just like, are you advanced? Acoustic not autistic

So they're just like are you advanced he thinks they're saying you're advanced at your acoustic skills Yeah, but you think it's a bit because the auditory Acoustic is kind of it's like something that people say on socials to like right in in place of that's. That's right, like you're regarded. Oh, so he's trying to be funny. What's up, Tom? He's trying to be funny. He's trying to be funny. For sure. Yeah. Yeah, I was noticing just because of the framing. Like, look at the Seanie's framing in every photo.

Like, uh-uh, he knows what he's doing. Look at that. He knows. No, but the repetition of the screen, like the repetition, that's cool guy all over it Oh shit, that's a cool guy outfit for sure. Oh my god with the I think it's cut that chain too nice That chains nice Mm-hmm, I have to pee I've got a uti. Okay, go for it

Who are they who are those people? Those are cool guys? This is the ugly wall. Yeah, it's not the hot guy wall. These guys will never end up on that wall. These are people we discovered online that we ended up usually meeting or highlighting. Like you saw Fancy Chef, right? You saw that guy. You didn't see Fancy Chef ever? guy. No you didn't see fancy chef. No ever black dude

Yeah, the black chef. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we call him black. Yeah, he came He came to studio and cooked for us nice. He got a portrait. Okay cool. You know Robert Paul champagne He's a New York legend. No, you don't know Robert Paul champagne. What is the context on the map? He's literally you can put it on Google Maps and it shows you his address type in Robert Paul champagne so he is the context? He's on the map. He's literally, you can put him on Google Maps and it shows you his address. Type in Robert Paul Champagne. So he is the guy who put out a video years ago just calling for all black men to come to his apartment. Black guys who like to fuck and fuck good. Yeah.

That's what he said. Yeah, yeah. The fur. That didn't hit my circle surprisingly. Yeah, that's him and yeah They're just so they're all just like that guy in the middle down there with the tattoo on his forehead was a mortgage broker and He ended up putting

Tit cup videos where he he made his tits grow And you know so shits on french fries. Oh my God, I almost thought you spent on the internet. I've always wanted to ask you that. I actually, I don't go that, that deep. No, that's a lie. No, it's true. That's a lie.

I knew that you were locked in, because I always knew that you were plugged into internet culture or whatever. Yeah, we roll, we just roll, yeah. Yeah, well here, let's just get this out of the way. Starting today, the moment you see this, you can go to Netflix and catch the all new special, Andrew Schultz life and welcoming,

or we're welcoming back the great Andrew Schultz everybody. Woo! Thank you. Welcome. Congratulations on the special. Thank you very much, man. Yeah, that's awesome, man. And on a baby.

Yeah, that's the cool part. They're kind of intertwined. Yeah, the special's about trying to make, man. Yeah, that's awesome, man. And on a baby. Yeah, that's the cool part. They're kind of intertwined. Yeah, the special's about trying to make the baby. Yeah, that's very cool. I'd heard about this because I would run into somebody that goes on the road with you. Posted me. Yeah, Derek.

And he told me that theme a while ago. I was like, oh, that's great, but now I get to actually see it. I can't wait to see it. Yeah, yeah, check it out, man, if you get time. Yeah, for sure. It was cool, it was tough for us to get pregnant, so. We talked about that briefly.

Yeah. Like a while ago. Yeah, I guess I was foreshadowing. I was like, I didn't think it was gonna be this tricky, but it was. No, and you know what's crazy is that as a woman too, you spend most of your life trying not to get pregnant. And then.

That's interesting. And then one day, you're like, let's do it. Let's pull the goalie and let's try it. And it is hard. Yeah. So you unless you're 18 years old. Yeah. You know. Well, it wasn't her fault. Was it your fault? Yeah. Your swimmer's? My sperm doesn't. Yeah. Really? Yeah, the doctor said my sperm swims like Lizzo in a riptide. I got a great doctor. That's a very cool doctor. It's got awesome parlance to describe your medical difficulties. That's very funny. Yeah, so my sperm sucks, but I thought it was her fault too.

So it was very surprising. And then I just started talking about it on stage and it was so weird. I thought, I mean this is kind of cliche, but I literally thought that this is an anomaly that nobody goes through. And I would like talk about on stage, and like these guys would come up to me afterwards, and they wouldn't admit it, but they'd be like, oh, some funny stuff right there, man.

Like, yeah, you keep doing that. That was good, that was good. And I was like, what's going on? And I started like talking to friends, and they would, every one of them was like, oh yeah, we're doing IVF. Like everybody, I'm 41, so I'm a little older obviously, but I didn't know.

And I was like, oh, is this the last taboo thing? Is this the thing that we're afraid to admit? That is a thing. Yeah. Yeah. Which I don't think you should be embarrassed about. I think it's, your kids will really know you want them. Yeah. You know that fear that the generation before us all had, which is like, did my parents even want me?

Like they came back from war and it was like, I guess we do this. And then, yeah, if you do it, we paid. There's like a receipt. It was premeditated. So did we because. You guys did it? The second baby.

The second time around. We didn didn't even I didn't know this Yeah, I've spoken about this before. Yeah Like it wasn't even We didn't even go like Let's try and then do it. We just went straight to you went. Okay. Yeah This kid's not gonna fucking I'll tell you why. You took a look at Cassandra's legs. Oh my goodness. I'm sure. Poached. Woo. This kid's not gonna fucking be able to equal the fork

if you do it the regular way. Cause the first baby I had at 39, like I delivered at I think 38 or 39. Oh wow, okay. So I was already geriatric pregnancy and all I had to do was take like a pill. Crazy term, right? I know, it's so fucked up.

I took like one pill and I got pregnant, but then I had a miscarriage before that. And they said, well, now that you're 40 to go in for baby number two, they're like, you know, the chances of miscarriage are like really, really high. And I didn't wanna go through another miscarriage because it's so heartbreaking.

That's another thing I didn't realize, like how often people have miscarriages. Oh yes. Oh so often. Almost everybody. It's unbelievable. Oh, so often. Almost everybody. It's unbelievable. It's a lot. I even think a lot of girls

that are just kind of having sex regularly that have a late period, it's not really a late period. It's a miscarriage. They just weren't aware that they were pregnant. And then when you're trying to get pregnant, now you're acutely aware of what's happening in your body. Yeah, we thought that happened. mean there's a I talk about

the special but like uh yeah we thought uh we thought we lost it actually. Really? Yeah it was really scary I'm always just started bleeding. How pregnant was she? How far along? Uh she was uh that's a great question. Like was she showing? No she was it was very early because the story I tell in the special is actually not as tragic but like We went to see if there was a heartbeat and it wasn't developed enough to hear it yet So we had to wait a week. So the doctors like we think it's okay Yeah, that's terrible. You have to wait. So the whole week. You're just holding your breath. I'm doing podcasts Oh my god reacting to shit on the internet like Like I don't give a fuck about anything.

So yeah, it was crazy. Oh my God, so the first pregnancy we had, I was 35 I think when we first started, I got pregnant right away. And Tommy and I were touring with YMH at the time. We were driving through Dallas, remember we were driving through Texas, and we just found out that the baby wasn't viable.

It was, we did an ultrasound and it was we just found out that the baby wasn't viable. We did an ultrasound, and it was like six weeks long, and it was dead. And the doctor, remember, she was like, well, do you wanna miscarry naturally, or do you want me to abort it? And I was like, just do it naturally. So you're basically waiting for your miscarriage,

and I just remember we were touring, and we had to make money. I had to go to Texas the whole time, just crossing my fingers that I wouldn't miscarry, you know, on the road, God forbid. And then one time I did, remember, I had a miscarriage on New Year's Eve. At this, in Austin, yeah.

And I was having a miscarriage as I was telling jokes. That's how dark that was. But then I was kind of used to it, You're just bleeding. Yeah. Like, well, I may as well just go tell these jokes on New Year's Eve. Yeah, fucking forget about it. But it Yeah, you just have to live your life. Yeah, this death is happening or happen. Yeah. Also delivering that late like having a delayed. Yeah, I'm sure like, it's a constant concern for women. Yeah, as you get a little

bit older. Yeah. preeclampsia. Do you mind? Sorry. I don't know if your experience was like this, but we go in for the second baby, and we're like, let's just do this. Like, let's not even try anything else. So then they go, okay, we made, we got, we made the potion.

Yeah. And then they were like, all right, you have, you have 19 embryos. You got 19 at 40 years old. Yeah. 19 embryos. Christina. Christina. Strong Eastern European.

19 embryos or 19 eggs? 19 eggs. Embryx. No, no, no. Nam. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Embryos is after they, so usually you like half it along the processryos. No, no, no. NAMM. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Embryos is after they...

So usually you like half it along the process, right? No, no. I had a lot of eggs. You must have like 30 eggs. Yeah. You had 19 embryos and they were all male. They were all male. And then they go, so now you get, now we put them in and we rank them.

Yeah. They're like, these six have Down syndrome. Do you want them? And I'm like, do we want them? And they're like, this one has a horrible heart defect. This one will have this disease. And I'm like, I'm assuming we're excluding these. And they're like, well, it's up to you.

And I'm like, oh, okay. And then they go all the way through and blah, blah, blah. And then they're like, and we have one that's rated A++. And I go, we'll take fucking that one. We'll take the A++. And they're like, okay, well, we'll take the A++ and they're like, okay Well, you just have the choice and I'm like, yeah, there's not a choice. There's no choice There's one good embryo. There's one good embryo. It starts at the bottom. Yeah, because but some of them

I'm saying there when they said in 19, they were basically like 11 of these are not viable. Yeah We went through the same thing. How did she have eggs? She had enough eggs. Yeah. Yeah, we were lucky We didn't we didn't get that haul but it was uh, but yeah, we went through the same thing. Did she have eggs? She had enough eggs. Yeah, yeah, we were lucky. We didn't get that whole. But it was, uh... But yeah, we had like nine. And then, um... And then we were able to do it, and then, you know, we didn't choose the gender.

The choosing the gender thing is kind of... That's crazy. It's kind of funny because... Wait, hold on, you can choose? Like they can take which sperm? Well, no, you know what gender the embryo is. Right. That's what we did too. So you guys had all males. All boys. So, but, you know, we had both.

And we were like, we didn't wanna know. We felt like it was like playing God a little bit too much. But after reflecting on it a little bit, like, there are some countries that don't let you choose the gender, right? I think America's like the only one that kinda lets you. And it is kinda funny, cause it's,

very rarely is someone choosing girl. Right. You know what I mean? Right. So when they say you can choose the gender, they're basically saying, can you choose boy? Now, it is, right? It's true. But they can't say it like that.

So in other countries, they realize, oh shit, everybody's just choosing boy, and we got all these chicks that are just on the shelf. So we need to solve this problem. And they go, okay, you can't choose. We're just putting whatever's in there. Interesting. But it is rare you go in.

Like I think some people do it, like if they've had three kids and they just want a girl. Like Charlamagne, he has four girls. Four girls. Yeah, so I know by the fourth, you were going for the boy. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't think they're going to do another kid,

but if they did IVF, some people go, okay, I want this locked in. Yeah. Yeah. Give me the guy. He might have our luck and they'd be like, hey, you have 19 girls. Oh my God. Yeah.

Some people want one of each, which I understand. Hell yeah. That's awesome. But you know what I was going to say? You're right that there's um, I didn't like to be too public with it because a what if it doesn't work and now you're embarrassed or you feel Sad and it's a public sadness and B because of my age I felt a little bit of shame because we're using science

To do something that nature doesn't want to happen and there's a weird shame attached to that for me. Like you feel guilty about going through it? Yes, like I'm cheating nature. Like you're not supposed to. I'm not supposed to be doing this and I know that and you know that on some level because I am now, hold on, I'm a 48, I have a kindergartner. Yeah. I'm a 48 year old mom of a kindergartner. Yeah, it's beautiful. Thankfully in good health, but like, wow, that's not how nature intended that shit to happen. Yeah, but we do so much shit that's not how nature intended it. We fly in planes, you know what I mean? No, no.

You have blonde hair. Yeah, naturally. You know what I mean? Like, it's just, we constantly are refuting nature's desires, so I'm not worried about that at all. And nature wants us to have babies. They just gave us some science to do it. Well, that's a good way to do it. It definitely helps, yeah. I feel like with 19 embryos,

you guys would've got pregnant immediately, regularly. But then they weren't sticking. They were, the eggs were not perfect enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I could get pregnant, but they weren't genetically good enough. I think that's why, with all that help, we had, legitimately had one good option.

Yeah, we had one good egg. Yeah, it was one option. Yeah, it was one. And that was Juju. Yeah, and then he came out like a Gerber bait. He's beautiful. He's just like big cheeks, blue eyes, like, hey! He's like a baby advertisement, you know? Oh my gosh.

And now he's like, fuck you, motherfucker. Yeah, he's like, what the fuck, man? And I'm like, is he close enough? Oh yeah. How old is he? Six and nine. He's like, why is this fucking table here? I love it.

Shit. Well that's the fun part of having kids as a comedian because they're, I don't really have a gauge on what's societally normal sometimes and I just let, like for instance, our boys like hammers. They're just a fucking hammer shit. And they're fighting over one hammer this weekend. And I said, you know what boys,

let's go to the hardware store. I'm gonna buy you each a fucking hammer. Okay, and I said, you know what, boys, let's go to the hardware store. I'm gonna buy you each a fucking hammer, okay? And we're gonna buy shovels, we're gonna go to the park, and you're just gonna fucking wild out, okay? Now if we'd done that in LA, a million people would be looking at me, stink eyeing me, let your boys be toxic male. But in Texas, they were like, look at them boys,

just digging and hitting and doing it. But I don't know if that's normal. Is that a normal thing to do? Did you feel judgment as parents in LA? Is that what you're saying digging and hitting and doing it. But I don't know if that's normal. Like is that a normal thing to do? Did you feel judgment as parents in LA? Is that what you're saying? Yes. Really? I think that LA, like the way that I summarize it for people

is like you walk into a place in LA with a young kid, let's say like a three year old or something. Right away they're like. Oh it's an inconvenience. Yeah and they're like is he gonna, and then in Texas you walk in with that kid and the kid knocks something over and they go, it's a kid. Yeah, it's just like family values.

Yeah, they're like, it's for kids too. Yeah, and you're like, oh yeah, yeah. I've noticed that traveling too. Like when my wife was pregnant, we were in Mexico, we were in Italy, the excitement around her being pregnant was amazing. They were like, oh, so how and they start telling you about their kids and like what their first time pregnant was there's this like beautiful excitement around it and New York nobody's getting off the bus, you know, there's not like I remember being a child

my mom was pregnant with my my brother nine months pregnant with my brother and My mom's from Scotland and nobody would get up and she I remember my mom my mom's standing up and I'm on the bus I'm five years old and she just goes you call yourselves men it was like a Braveheart speech in the middle of the fucking bus you call yourselves men you're cowards a pregnant woman standing on the bus and then some guy like sheepishly got up and she goes I don't want it anymore. Just chastising this whole bus but people don't give a fuck they really don't care. Yeah it is like, but

you know that does feel more like in New York you're like yeah this is yeah we see it all here you know. It's so like you don't come here to have kids You know like New York. There's a purpose you come here to make it in whatever your field is Yes, and then some of us are crazy enough to be born there Create families there. Yeah, but it's not really built for that and you live in the city, right? Yeah. Yeah born and raised But you know what New York City kids like when I go to New York and I watch a fucking like 10 year old friend. Yeah. And they're ordering their shit from Starbucks. They've got backpacks. They know where they're going. Yeah. It's that is something that like I want to have there to be like a little more confidence.

I feel like now they're like, you know, the liberal cities are getting shit on and all that kind of stuff like that. It's just like, yeah, OK, whatever, but you're not gonna live in fucking Montana. Like, it's fun to go to for a week or whatever. It's just not reality. Like, it's, at the end of the day, when you're sitting and dreaming about, like, what your life could be like, you know, it's either you have this beautiful home

and all your family and everybody living around you, or you're going after it in New York, Miami, LA. Maybe you guys can build Austin into it, you know what I mean? But like, it's not there yet. Like, you know what I mean? But like, it's not there yet. You know what I mean? Just be honest.

I think if you're a young comedian, come here. This is where the industry is right there. And by industry, I mean literally you guys, Joe, kill Tony. This is where I see comedians exploding. A lot of them are moving here. They are. If you're young... Like, I was born and raised in New York.

So for me to leave that is a big deal. That's crazy. If you're from Maine and you moved to New York. So for me to leave that is a big deal. If you're from Maine and you moved to New York to be a stand-up comedian, and you have no real attachment to the city, and you can't get anything going, and you see all these people out in Austin building this thing. This becomes accessible. That's the thing. I think if you go to New York, you're 21 right now,

you're like, I'm going to start doing stand-up. You do go like, well, where the fuck do I start? Also, do you see them cracking off in I start? Like where do I go? Also do you see them cracking off in New York? That's what I would look at. Like the landscape before when we were younger was, okay I see people getting on like Premium Blend or whatever that shit is.

And then in LA there was like, maybe a version of that as well. But like Comedy Central's in both of these areas. I don't see people blowing up of Comedy Central. I see people blowing off of Clips, Kill Tony, coming on pods and getting into these ecosystems. And in New York, I don't really see a thing in this moment where people are exploding out of, like that's an issue.

Yeah, yeah. Like I think about this now that like special's over, I think I wanna make something specifically for that I want to have like a property where young comics can Can build a career out of or at least they get a spotlight on them? You know because I don't feel like it's there and to me if I'm a young comic there I'm going oh well there are these other places with those spotlights. I think you can get on your feet Quicker in in Austin right like yeah, if you go, I'm going to New York, or I'm going to LA, you know, your goal is like,

I wanna be at the cellar, or I wanna be at the store or something. But you just go like, well, it's gonna take a long time. That's the thing, it's daunting. Where like, here you come out and do it. You could probably, you can get on that stage. There's less competition here. Much less.

Like, the high level guys are elite. And then there's like a big gap. And then there's like really talented four or five level, four or five year guys. Yeah. But there's not a lot of like the 10, 12 year professional comedian. True.

And that's what New York has. Yes. And I think that's what LA has. It's just like the 12 year guys that go up and they crush and the first time You seem you're like who the fuck is this guy like what's good? And there's just a hundred of them and that's I think where you kind of really kind of set the standard for your comedy Yeah, like that worked for me like following Greer Barnes for a decade. You're just like, holy shit This is the funniest human being I've ever it's like the audience just thought it was the funniest. You're following Mike Britt for a decade.

Once Austin attracts all those. Then wow. Yeah, true. You know, because think about the four or five year guys, they got to follow that. You know, it makes you stronger. Yeah, definitely. I mean, so we went through. I was thinking about when I thought about you coming in, I was like thinking about how many New York guys make me laugh so hard

That are like, you know that are good ones. Yeah, cuz I just had the Stefano came out Chrissy hilarious He came out to Chicago and did the show with me over the weekend Yeah, and he is so fucking funny on stage and off. Oh, yeah And I was thinking of like the Well, like Tim Dillon's a New York guy. He's such a ridiculous funny guy. I guess they're Philly guys, but they live in New York. Are you garbage guys?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, love them. But like, they have, you guys all have that, there's like that East Coast kind of type of person, quality to them that is like, they say shit, they're unapologetic, and they're just so- Opinionated about everything. Opinionated, heavily opinionated. Really, that's what it comes down. Here's the thing, you realize this

after you do stand-up for a while, you cannot be considered a funny person if you don't have opinions. Strong opinion. You have to have, it doesn't have to be- It doesn't have to be right or wrong, it doesn't matter. It just has to feel a strong way.

And that is New York, like in a nutshell, and maybe even the Northeast, it's just like strong opinions, completely. Yes, and we don't care That's right If you can ask somebody from New York how they feel about anything it could be wooden tables and they will tell you immediately Yes, and with nothing backing it at all. Yeah, like just should we buy Greenland? I'm not gonna pay for it It'd be nice to have. You know, just an immediate opinion Yeah, that doesn't even have to be logic there at all like the less logic the better and it's just strong

Yeah, and sometimes you don't know if they believe it and it really doesn't matter. Yeah Yeah, it's beautiful. It is pretty beautiful. Actually you seem so You've changed I think since you've had a child. Oh, no way. I sense a calmness and a stillness. Gay. Cool. Yeah, I'm gay now, yeah. You're gay. You're sucking cocks. You're such a gay guy.

You're butt fucking. Grimming. Is that accurate? Am I being accurate or are you just like? Yeah, I wonder. I think there's a, I think so. There's a grounding force that happens with. There's a grounding.

I just care less. Yeah. My world is small in terms of the things I care about for sure so it's like I care about how my my wife and my family feel about me my immediate friends, of course and Yeah, it's just I'm very satisfied with that whereas before What the world thinks about you is really important. You're so concerned like will I be able to achieve my dreams and what if this thing happens or that thing happens and obviously I went through like you know a million different crazy things but um but yeah I just I just don't really care about them as much

anymore. Isn't that liberating though? Yeah it's awesome. Yeah I agree since I had breast cancer I don't have it anymore. Yeah you go through that. I was part of the research I did on it. Okay yeah but it it totally like fillets you. It opens your whole shit up. And you're like, whoa, like I'm gonna die. Did you think you were gonna be outta here? Yeah. Wow.

Of course, you get that diagnosis and you're like, well, how bad is it? Well, we don't know for two weeks. So that two weeks of sweating it out and waiting, we went to Italy, thank God, and had a good time. But like, you start to go like, well, what's really important here? I've got time, a certain amount of time left on this planet.

What's it going to be? Is it going to be like, whatever, whatever your priorities are? What did you want to do at that time? Well, at first I was more concerned about touring and being a famous comedian and accolades, and now I don't care as much. It's really like, I'm hydroponic gardening. I have a cat. I'm really into my cat. I'm relearning Hungarian, I'm playing the drums.

Like just doing things that I didn't love, couldn't do because I was so focused on being the driven comedian and trying to make it. Which we all are. And also that's so like outside in, right? It's like, it's out of your control. Yeah. It's like if these people like you, they like you. If they don't like you, you don't. If out of your control. Yeah. Right, it's like if these people like you,

they like you, if they don't like you, you don't. If you have like cultural utility in that moment, you know, like Yakov Smirnov is, I don't know that much about his standup, but I imagine the fact that like we're in a Cold War with Russia probably leaned into some of the success and interest in that person. So a lot of times with comedy,

it's like, do you have cultural utility? And that decides how meteoric your rise is. So weird, isn't it? But yeah, it's cool that you're just doing the things that make you happy. Time, man, you can't get that time back. That's the biggest one. Yeah, and maybe as we get older, it's way more apparent.

I never considered time at all. It definitely hits you more with every year. And every person I talk to talks about how fast they grow the kids. Yeah. Yeah, the kids is really interesting. Like hearing people talk about their kids really brings out the best version of themselves in a lot of ways.

And it's kind of beautiful. My experience with kids a lot of times, especially with comedians, is like the jokes they make about them. And a lot of times especially with comedians is like the jokes They make about them and a lot of times like when I was growing up it was they were hating their kids and it was kind of funny yeah, and But now that I have a kid I'm like I I don't believe you hate your kid at all. No, you know I mean like Yeah, it's like I think Bernie Mac loved those kids

Oh, yeah, like and I Bernie Mac loved those kids. Yeah. Yeah. And I never thought he hated them. And I was like, oh, they annoy him. But there's a beautiful love that he's gonna take in these children that aren't even his. It's an angle. You know, you have to have like some angle on stage

with something. And the truth is like, when we talk about our kids usually either on a podcast or on stage, you are, the end goal is laughs, right? So you're saying, and you're kind of sharing one note. Because like, does somebody really want me to be like, let me tell you how adorable it is. No, not at all, not at all.

They don't wanna hear it. And also it's like, what is it, like the old Borschbell comedy, you know, take my wife, please. It's like, that is the momentary feeling. Like your kids will do something that for like two seconds, you will have this this crazy reaction to. And that's usually the funniest thing.

I guess when I try to tell people that maybe don't understand comedy that much, it's like our opinions are not how we feel all the time. It is the knee-jerk emotional reaction that we know is crazy, but it's funny for that reason. Well, that's the thing is that we clock that thing where we go, oh, sharing this is funny.

This is a funny thing to share. The rest of it, you get just more savvy at being like, don't share the fat. And nobody wants to hear how sweet something was on stage. I mean, last dude yesterday, I was with my older sister. But I do like hearing that from people. Yeah, it's fun to talk about with somebody. But our nine-year-old, I was doing my old my older sister is not I do like hearing that from people I yeah, it's fun to talk about with like somebody but like our nine-year-old I was like you doing his homework with him and I was like he was fucking around I was like dude

You got a focus and he's like, uh, he's like just fucking off and I was like, come on man You know what? We're just not gonna he's like, I think somebody just needs a big And he gave me a big hug and I was like, I love it. He's like, okay, all right. I love it. He's like, better? I go, yeah, just fucking read.

He's parenting you? Yeah, he's missing me. But there's also too, something about the suffering of having a child, the suffering, like for the woman, it's the pregnancy, it's the physical suffering. Your body literally splits in half. You know, your pelvis opens and this thing comes out of you and you change forever.

And there's life before, children, and life after. And you can't go back to the life you had before. You have to become a totally different human being. And there's something in that selflessness, that suffering, especially at your level of the first few years where it's so, they're so needy. They're so, everything is about mommy and daddy and mommy and daddy and just keeping them alive. So much mommy. Everything is about mommy and daddy and mommy and daddy

and just keeping them alive. So much mommy. It's more mommy. I get to come in and have fun with her. It's great. But for girls, you're so important too. You're gonna set her up for her marriage. And I think the most important decision you can make

is who you marry. This is it. If you marry the wrong man, woman, your life is fucked. This is 90% of your life is who you marry Did you ever want to did you ever want to stop doing stand-up when you're kids? Oh, yeah, cuz I loved them so much and I felt so guilty leaving them interesting I want to stop doing it now cuz I love my kids so much and I am I'm taking down a couple years I'm gonna fucking be with my kids. They need me. Yeah, there is like a weird so my wife was a

She's like very successful woman, successful woman. She's got her MBA, she's working for Apple, she's managing AI projects, and she had a lot of trouble grappling with the fact that she didn't wanna do that, and she just wanted to be a mom. Even the sentence, just wanna be a mom. there's this like weird thing that I've noticed it It's like like people would ask her that she bumped it that she worked with they would they'd go So where are you working now? And it was like the hardest thing in the world for her to be like oh, I'm not I'm

just a mom and I wonder if places like Texas, it's maybe not as, I'm gonna say like criticized, but maybe like potentially like looked down upon. It's more celebrated, it's more normal to be a stay at home mom here. But that is a weird thing, and maybe that's like what you sacrifice when the pendulum kind of swings.

Like obviously, you know, my mom, my dad like worked for my mom. Like, you know, women work, women do all these things, you can do whatever you want. But when the pendulum swings in a certain direction where it's like, hey, women, you gotta get out there and you gotta do this, and then it almost leaves behind this idea

that taking care of your kids isn't getting out there and doing it. Yeah, I wonder how we get, how we create societal value in that again. Well, the thing is is that women got into men's spaces, right? We're gonna go and work we're gonna be in your space, but men don't want to be in our space Yeah, I was having a conversation. I was having a conversation with some girls that work for me about this and um That you know, there's like this trad wife trend that's coming. Yeah, you heard about this. Yeah, so like a

Traditional trad was a trad calf or some shit like that traditional Catholic wife or whatever it is So I guess a lot of women now just going like, you know, I'm good just being like, yeah traditional trad, was it trad calf or some shit like that? Traditional Catholic wife or whatever it is. So I guess a lot of women now just going like, yo, I'm good just being like the housewife. This is great. And I was like, where does that kind of come in from? And they're like, they had an interesting thing. They're like, we thought when we worked, right,

that you guys would also take on some of the things that we used to do. So for example, you used to work, we used to take care of the house. Now we work, and you work, but you also take care of the house. And we're like, where the fuck did you get that? Yeah. No, they don't. It's just not happening.

Yeah. So now you gotta work and take care of the house. Dummies? It's too much. Yeah, why would you do that? It's too much. It's too much. And here's the problem, we don't care if the house is dirty.

Right? No. So, and it is just like we're not meeting expectations. So you'll think when you clean the house, you're cleaning it for me. But I don't need it clean. No. But you resent me. Right.

For not helping you do the thing is just for you Thanks the girl shit. Yeah house, but you guys don't want to do it. Nobody nobody said in the man's world I want to be in a woman's world women said I want to be in the man's world Yeah, okay great you want to join us great. We did that yeah, but the problem with feminism in the women's movement Yeah, it didn't account for becoming a mother There was Gloria Steinem. God bless her. I love I don't hate these people, I'm just saying, Gloria never had babies. So how the fuck do we do what the men are doing

and be a good mother? It's so hard to do both at the same time. It's almost impossible. Well, it's almost like those traditional gender roles exist for a reason. You mean like thousands of years of evolution and biology? They've naturally happened this way. Just because the modern world took its turn and evolved to what it is,

it really doesn't negate what thousands of years kind of dictate. And then you find that a lot of women, the problem isn't the choice to be like, I want to be, it's the looking down on it. That's what's fucked up. It's the pretentiousness. Yeah. And I feel like that's kind of.

And it is probably stronger in a city like New York where they're like, oh, you can't, well, you can't fucking do both. Like, it's like. But I also feel like there's a little bit of self-hatred there. Yeah. It's like, I think some women are kind of envious

of the fact that these other women have children and families and this other purpose and this thing to live for. Yeah. And they've dedicated their entire life to working at this job that they might not even fucking like. But they got that VP title. But now they're 45 with the VP title and all their friends have these beautiful families. They can't go out to dinner every Tuesday. They're busy. And it's, yeah, maybe they feel kind of like lied to or manipulated. They are. Because what's the, so the way I see it too,

look, some women have to work as well as the husband. This is just a fact of reality. Yeah, most in America do. Totally, and I'm blessed that my husband makes enough money that I can just be a mom. Yeah. And I'm so, it's such a fucking honor. But I think the point is that it's not bringing in revenue. It's it's not what the male

Value is right because you guys have to generate revenue to be considered a valid part of society Yeah, so women bought into this shit, too. Well, if I'm not bringing in dollars if I'm not making bread, I'm useless, too It's well, you know, if you are gonna go make bread. That's I'm useless too. It's like, no, this is different value. Well, if you are gonna work, go make bread. I got nothing wrong with that. For real, my mom killed it. And my dad was more the caregiver, to be honest.

Really? Tell me about this. Yeah, he was just like, it's more in his nature. I was with my dad, I think, for the first six months of my life. My dad took off work, because my mom would teach dance lessons, that was their business. And my dad was working for NBC was like doing like a

news segments. He would produce the news. And then so he was able to take like a paternity leave unpaid at the time, but you could take time off without being fired. So I was just with him for like the first three months of my life. And I think that he's awesome. Like he's the greatest ever. He's like my hero. But I do think that there was something that happened there in that Bonnie experience. Like, he's just, yeah, he's just a man.

Is he a softer, is he more emotionally attuned than your mother? Yeah, no, my mom, like you could talk to my mom about anything, but he's just, his dad was horrible and it's almost like he just made a decision. Yes. If I have kids, I'm not gonna be that. And he was at every single, like right now he has dementia.

I could call him, I could be like, hey, you wanna come to the show tonight? And he'll be like, yeah, sure, like where is it? And then he'll forget and I'll call him back. I'm like, you wanna come to the show? And every single time, it would be the same answer. Really? He would come to every single show that I could ever,

he introduces me in the special actually. Oh, he does? Yeah, yeah. I love that MSG thing you did with him. Oh yeah, I had to tell him we were at MSG like 20 different times while we were there. Yeah, yeah. But it's funny, he offered to get my wife pregnant.

I go to see him every week and I was like, yeah we're kind of struggling to get pregnant and his joke would be like, hey I need some help, I could take care of you. And I'd be like, oh dad. And then next week, yeah we we're kind of struggling to get pregnant. And his joke would be like, hey, I need some help. I can take care of it. And I'd be like, oh, dad. And then next week, yeah, we're still kind of struggling. If you need some help. I mean, he delivered this same joke for like three months.

Still funny though. Still funny. So how did you resolve your sperm issue? Well, we did IVF. So basically what they can do is they call it cleaning the sperm. They wash it. So they wash it, yeah. And then they found a couple good ones. And I think we even did this thing called like Ixie or something like that where they, I mean, I

did the least amount of work to get my wife pregnant. Like I think they actually took an individual sperm and they put it at the door. They did like a door knock and dash or whatever that thing is and they put it right on the egg And then you're just like come on do the rest and then did you get did you uh watch porn? To to jerk off. Yeah, you know they took me to a room Old Filipino nurse yeah, and she was like, here remote, here, you watch your movies. And then I joked to her, I was like,

do you stay in the room? She was like, no. I have a, this is a large part of it. Oh, okay. Did you find it by the way? So I have to pee, I have a UTI. Yeah. Okay. What's it?

She's gonna go pee. Oh, you have a UTI, okay. Okay. What's it? She's gonna go pee. Oh, you have a UTI Yeah, so one of the things about like a themed special yeah, I find it really like Impressive and challenging because you know a lot of times you're up there and you know We have our bits about a topic and then the shits over. Yeah, like it's over. Yeah And then I've seen usually like UK comics. Yeah. Cause they'll do the festival, the festival circuit so big. So we'll do, here's like, you know, here's a theme. Yeah. My dad. Yeah. And it's just a

fucking hour. Yeah. And I'm always like, well, you know, that's, that's, it feels like a big hurdle. I remember, uh, Ari did that one Jew. Yeah. Which is really good. It's really, really good. And it was a theme that I was like, that's really like, did you, did you set out to make it an hour? I didn't know that that's what it was gonna be. And then I was going through it and it was the only thing on my mind.

Like I couldn't write a joke about like some like the trans swimmer or something. Like all these topical things would happen which is usually really fun. Even if it's not gonna go in a longer piece, it's like, oh my brain will kinda chew on it and I'll find an angle. And I just couldn't give a fuck about any of it.

And then I started talking about this, and I'd never been personal in my comedy. Like, I never thought my life was interesting enough to be personal. I always thought like my opinions on shit was more interesting. And I just started talking about it. It was like, oh, this is like really cathartic,

it's really fun. And then I found out about, it was my problem with the sperm. And then I felt a little bit more comfortable doing the sharing. Yeah. When it could have been. It's not like she's the fucking, yeah. It's like it's in, which is also like, it's vulnerable,

but it's also, it's more permission to laugh from them. Because you're like, it's me. Because you think about her. I remember even earlier doing it, talking about like how difficult it was to get pregnant before I knew. I could feel the women in the audience being concerned for her.

Because every one of them, especially in New York, they don't have kids until they're way older. They're like, oh fuck, is that gonna be me? And the second I tell them it's me, the way these women laugh, they're happy almost. Well, I always find too, like, I don't even feel like it's conscious necessarily. Yeah.

That as I'm always putting together new hours, that first bit where it's like, hey, I'm the dummy. Yeah. It's like the room just leans in and they go, oh great. You know, I was talking to Ari Matty, you know Ari Matty? Yes. Last night, he had an interesting observation about American standup, where it's,

it is, and how it's different from European standup, where there is much less pretentiousness. He goes, like European standup, and I don't know if this is entirely true, but, and I wouldn't say all of it, right? Like my mom's born and raised in Scotland. So I watched like a lot of Scottish stand up and listen to it come growing up.

And I would say there were definitely parallels, but he goes, it comes from this theater culture where like the person on stage is the smartest person. Yes. And you are all dumber and you will listen to these smart thoughts that I have. Yeah. An American stand up is, nah, I'm dumb.

I'm dumb too, or I'm going through it, or I'm having this emotional turmoil, and I'm in here with you. We're starting in these comedy clubs where you're at a chair right next to me, and you're probably going through this thing like me. I never really thought about it like that, but there is something connective, and I think that's why it's so synonymous

with American art forms. When people think about stand-up, it's the American thing. I don't care around the world. It's our thing. And I think it is our relation to the audience in that way. We're not speaking above them. We're almost beneath them at times.

We're inviting you to laugh at the most brutal thing that we might have gone through. Yeah, the more that you're humiliated in something, the more the audience leans in and is like, I like this guy. I like this fucking guy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's, yes, it's like even like the,

when they roast the president, the Correspondence Dinner, like I think it's an awesome American tradition to like humble the most powerful person on the planet. That's true. It makes me really patriotic. Yeah. Like we got a sense of humor about ourselves. Yeah.

You're the most powerful person in the land and you're gonna sit down here and take these jokes. Yeah. From someone who's got 30 minutes on Hulu. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And we all get to laugh at you.

Yeah. That's so good. It's true. It's amazing. It's a great equalizer. And you think about with standup, the more flaws you have, the funnier, like especially like, you know, physical flaws, right? Like if you've got the big nose, if you're fat, if you've got a gapped tooth,

all that is like, people go, oh, I like this guy. I like his flaws. It's like, it's an invitation to be like, this is an imperfect person because standup, you can't be the sexiest coolest Forever and especially as a woman. I feel like if you're playing like the hot girl card Yeah, there's a real expiration date on that. I'd say you hit the wall at 40 It can become shtick to like I think it's really enticing when you first see it You know, and then if it's just the same thing over and over again, I think we

kind of heard here. We got it. Yeah, we get it. But I couldn't wait to get older, uglier, wrinklier and fatter and more authoritative. Yeah. Because now and it haven't been on stage in a while, but that's a that's a really that's a confidence statement right there. I was too hot when I was younger.

No, just by virtue of being young and blonde, and I had great tits, and just by virtue of being a 28-year-old blonde chicken. Yes, yes, yes. In the stand-up world, I was a hottie, but in the regular world. I went to her show one time. She was in Florida somewhere.

And I go to the bathroom. Oh, god. And the guy's at the urinal. And then he's like, he tells another guy, he's like, there's a chick on stage. And he's like, oh yeah, how are her tits? And he's like, yeah, they're pretty fucking good. I was like, that's what they're dealing with.

Is they're like, what are those tits like? Just by virtue of you being a woman. Doesn't matter if you're attracted. I just wanna point out, girls do this too. So I had a girl tell me that she was at the bathroom of one of my shows and the girls were talking about the size of my hands. Now I'm not saying this is some braggadocious thing.

I don't think my hands are kind of, maybe I have a little bit bigger hands. But we're still just objectifying the fucking thing that the light is on. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah. They're like, what's that bulgeifying the fucking thing that the light is on, you know? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah. They're like, what's that bulge like? I'm checking out his bulge.

Definitely weren't saying that at all. Yeah. But yeah, anyway, too, what you were saying. The only thirsty comments I ever get on Instagram are dudes. Now you gotta be getting shit now that you're skinny and like ripped. It's dudes though. Like dudes are the ones that maybe a woman thinks it

but a guy comments it. The guy is like looking sexy. Oh you're baiting right now. Now this is good. Now the girls aren't going to be in your DMs. Oh Andrew. Stop. But anyway doing the theme thing I think was interesting is that telling a story. You're really good at this. I watched your standup and you're like a natural storyteller. But like it's, there's like a real skill to telling stories that people I think don't realize. I think so for sure. Over especially you realize that first you watch it. Cause I remember being like my favorite thing was when I would watch Chappelle just tell

a story. Like tell like be like, this is what happened today? And I was like, oh, I wanna do that. He's incredible at commanding attention. It's so good. And then I realized, as a young comic, I was like, oh, I don't have the skill set yet. In other words, it was something

that I was trying to evolve into. Because I was good at doing it this way, like telling friends what happened over the weekend. And they were like, that was such a good, but I couldn't do it on stage, but I always wanted to do it on stage. And then you realize that the way to do it, at least the way I do it, is you go up there and you tell a too long a story. Interesting.

And then there's funny moments in it and then you go, okay, all this information is not needed. Oh, you're saying you keep it fat and then you go, okay, all this information is not needed. Oh, and then you're saying you keep it fat and then you whittle it down. And then you whittle it down. Yeah, yeah, I was like, what makes a story so compelling? Like I'm trying to understand, because if somebody walks in a room right now and goes,

hey guys, I got this crazy story, like we'll give you 15 seconds. Yeah, yeah. Anybody, and then I was even doing like some research on it. Apparently it's like our oldest form of digesting information Like we remember stories in a way that we don't remember just like facts Yes, random information, but stories kind of get like locked in our brains. Yeah, it's the reason why like the Bible is all stories

It's not like hey, here are the rules. It's like well let me show you the rules and then maybe you'll figure out this story and So I started reading all these books about storytelling and understanding three arc structure and all this kind of shit. And I was like, okay, maybe I can turn this into a story. And then I was like, I don't want anybody coming to the show to know that it's a story. Got it.

Because I feel like sometimes with the one man show stuff, you're basically asking the audience to lower their bar for humor. Yes, because there is a compelling thoughtful Journey you're there about to go on and I didn't want that like I want you to come expecting The hard-hitting stand-up and see if I can get you to like I can almost like trick you into this story Mm-hmm. So in the beginning, you don't even know it's a story. You just think I'm kind of like Riffin, I'll say some stuff. Oh yeah. I even tell them about having the baby like upfront. So like I take this idea of us not being able to have one out of it.

Yeah. And then there's some things that happen, whatever. But, but yeah, it was, it was cool to like take that on. Yeah. Yeah, that's really cool. And you can see the energy is different. Like there are moments where I'm just doing jokes and there's moments where I'm like telling you a story

and you really wanna know what's going on. And maybe I'm biased, but I'm there watching it back and I can feel the audience like, okay, I'd really like to know where this is going. Yeah. Opposed to a joke where they're like, where's the trick coming? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. That's interesting. The other thing that like, it sounds like joke where they're like, where's the trick coming? Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. That's interesting. The other thing that sounds like you did it in this, I learned over the time telling stories on stage, is that the work isn't so much in, like you've, part of it is like you're either kind of good at telling stories or you're not. It's why are you telling the story?

And if you, like in other words What's your way in and the way in is how is whether the audit the story has stakes? Can you give me example that well, it's like you you just being like telling a story about yeah Having putting sperm in a cup. Yeah, it's kind of funny. Yeah on its own. Yeah, right. Yeah, but if the lead-up to that is that I've been trying to have a baby This didn't work. Yeah, now this story has way more stakes and is funnier Yeah, right. And so a lot of times like I'll see guys tell like a pretty funny story Yeah, I'm like, yeah that you don't really need to work on that story

You just had to set up the city to set it up better. Yeah, it's really Yeah, I almost feel like the art of story storytelling is not appreciated enough because it comes across so naturally Yes, you're at a bar and there's some fucking Irish guy red face That's just the funniest storyteller and it's so organic to my brother is like this amazing storyteller It's just he tells the craziest things and he knows how to organize it so naturally So when I think we see it on stage We don't understand that that type of like thought and attention to the detail goes into it into it Yeah, like we're creating a vessel for your interest

yeah, now you're interested and now we have to maintain that interest and Up the stakes kind of every single time. Yeah, if everything's kind of working out your board Yeah, you know what's an episode of curb? Destruction. Yeah, every moment is this car crash. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the the why is like the work I think so so you'll have a fun story Let's say you have a fun story between you guys or with your kid. How much are you putting into the why? I mean, sometimes, like, I would say-

Are you backing the why into it? Yeah, so even like when I'm on tour right now, I'm closing with a story, and it's a funny story on its own. But I kind of worked out this reason for telling it. Can you give me like a past joke? Cause I don't want you to give away something that you're doing now.

Let me think of a past. Oh, the keys in the toilet. Well, that kind of falls into, cause like kid stories, you kind of can introduce the idea of like, here are, here are, you know, my kids are like, and you start telling the stories. So those you don't have to like, give the stakes to necessarily.

I'm trying to think of like the, wasn't it, there was the story about that fight that I witnessed in Philadelphia. I saw this fight in a park. In Philly, I'm trying to remember it now. I'm trying to remember the way in. People jumped in, remember? Yeah, it was all, well, I had, yeah,

so I had a thing about how there's no such thing as white loyalty, right? And so the jokes about that set up the story. In other words, I said that like a black guy who sees... Another black guy getting beat up. Yeah, he'll be like, I don't know who this is, but he's my brother. And if a white guy sees a white guy getting beat up, he's like, I don't know that fucking guy. I don't give a shit about that guy. That's good.

And so those jokes set up the story, which is I witnessed a racial fight Oh wow in in this park in Philadelphia literally going on a walk Yeah, where all I caught was this white guy walking away and yelling across the park the end bomb Yeah, and I was like, yeah, and then I was like this was like immediately I was like, well, I don't know what's happening here, but I'm watching this shit Yeah, and then the the I was like I saw a black guy, I don't know if he lived in the bushes, but he popped out of the bush. And he came out and like these guys were pummeling this guy.

And then I yelled something and then they looked at me and I was like, no, no, no, I'm not with him. I'm saying you guys get it. But that's also not a good example of what I'm saying. I can't even think of one actually. Let me think for a second. You guys talk and I also not a good example of what I'm saying. I can't even think of Let me think for a second you guys talk and I'll pull up. Yeah, I'm really curious about this. Yeah, cuz uh Again, it's like one of those things where it's so natural That I think we don't realize the amount of skill that goes into it for sure And also my shrink and I were talking about storytelling and why it's so useful. It's because you can't

For instance if I were to tell my child, be brave. Okay. But if you tell someone the story and it's unconsciously, you're connecting to elements. Because when someone holds up just a mirror to you, you're not gonna see yourself. Unless you go like, oh, that's cool. I like that character who did this and that.

And it's so unconsciously. They say more is caught than taught. Have you heard that? Oh, tell me. And this is not like stories, but it's just like, our kids just learn so much from observing us. Oh my God, yeah. Right, and we tell them what to do all the time,

but I don't even remember anything really that, I think my dad told me to apologize. He's like, he said something about the importance of apologizing. And my wife might disagree with this, but I think I can apologize when I do things wrong. That's nice. Yeah, so but outside of that I just observed him doing shit, and that was the litmus test for behavior. Now is your dad American? Yeah. Is he Jewish? No. Oh, well Schultz. Most people think I'm Jewish. Yeah, they do. Yeah

I'm not Jewish. Yeah, where's the Shultz? So I can I can vouch for the Jews right now that they've been going through it Cuz I get all that shit I can't write back to the comments when someone's calling me like fucking Zionist scum I can't but I'm not even Jewish. So I just sit there. I take it well, it's interesting you're talking about standup because aren't Jews the, like the origin story of standup comedy? Doesn't it come from? I thought it would.

Come from Jews? No, the, you know, what you said the word, fuck the cat skills. Oh yeah, the borscht belt. The borscht belt. Yeah, I don't know if Jews started it, but they're definitely, you know, prevalent. Right? Yeah.

I want to say it starts with Jewish humor. I don't know. I mean, I'm sure the Jews believe that. I have a good example. So I remember I had this story that a woman had told me about the time she ended up basically blowing a lot of guys in the Wu-Tang Clan, right? And so I had this. Hold on, okay, is this how you set it up?

No, no, no. I'm telling you, I'm giving you the example. You're giving me the breakdown, okay. But you'll let me know when you get to set up. So I have this story that is funny in and of itself. But it's like, what is the way into this story to make it like, more than just like, hey, a girl blew a bunch of guys in this group.

And so the work for me was like, okay, figuring it out the way in. The way in was that that was leading up to it. I talked about how my mom was a dream crusher. How she would always, if I was like, I want to do this, she's a dream crusher. So I would tell that before, I'd have jokes about how, I used to be like, I want to do stand-up, she's like, you should get a job at the post office. And like, they have benefits, and I'm like, I don't fucking work at the post office.

And I would talk about all how she's like such a dream crusher. This would then end up with me saying, the thing about going for your dreams is that it doesn't matter if you achieve your dream. It matters that you go for your dream and that that dream will fulfill you even if you don't reach your ultimate goal.

That would take me into the story about the girl blowing the nine guys in the blue. It's amazing. So it was like that gave that story the meaning of like, this is a woman going for her dreams. Now she ended up crying and she was very sad about blowing those nine guys. But the story was pretty funny.

And the way in was what made it a much stronger story. 100%. Yeah, now you're not just telling this sex story. Exactly. Yeah, you've positioned her as a dreamer. Yeah, I was like, this is what she's always wanted. She's a winner. So I think that whenever we do that for those types of bits,

like story bits, you give your story much more power. Yeah, I actually think that jokes put into story, there's been jokes that I have that are just an idea, and I don't care what it is, like plastic straws or something like that. That plastic straw idea can fit within a story. Yes, plug them in. 100%. And the way that people attach themselves to it

is much deeper when that happens. Like, I find like the guys who are just like doing the one line stuff, it's fine, but I don't know how attached I ever get to them. But like the storytellers, I imagine you guys probably have this with your audience, is like, they feel like they really know you. 1000%, yes.

And that deeper connection. And if you could tell that plastic straw joke in one of those great stories, then you get, it's double value. You get like, that's such a great joke, and now it actually enhanced your story. Yeah, there's that, what was the thing about the turtles? I think somebody was saying, oh god, I'm gonna fucking up.

But this idea that we gotta save the turtles or whatever, and it's just like, hey, it's like like how fast does a turtle have to swim into a straw? Yeah for it to get lodged, you know, so it's like there's the idea but that could also be you on the beach Yeah, you know, I mean you're in this beautiful you're creating the setting you have your funny you have your out Yes, and now everything before that is just building to that moment. Yeah Yeah, the stories I I love watching stories. I mean, that's why I think I got into it is like, I love watching. Who'd you like?

I mean, look, the first guy that I ever saw do stand up where I was like, what is this, was Cosby. And it was that special Bill Cosby himself, which is like him on a stool. And it is just long story. Like there's like a 17 minute story about going to the dentist. Yeah. And you're like, this is great.

And you don't realize that you're watching a super polished comedian. Yeah. You just think that like, which is what you want. That's the calming effect of the story. Yeah. We're all sitting by the campfire, we're relaxing. Yeah. Yeah.

And you're like, this guy's just so funny. Yeah. I'm trying to think of other, other stories that I just like really lock in and remember. There's that bird one with the helicopter. Oh yeah. I remember dying that and I remember like specific punch lines. I know you just kind of, but you like refer to it as like yeah. Isn't that weird? Yes. It just gets baked in in a different way. And I thought about this when I was doing this tour because I I knew we were gonna do these bigger venues. I was concerned about doing the arenas with just jokes,

because I was like, an hour of just jokes, I don't know if that's gonna hold their attention. I was like, what is gonna hold their attention? And when they're on the train, the moving train of a story, now there's an investment in what's happening in the end of this. And aren't you kind of mesmerized sometimes that you're you're like there's fucking 15,000 people and you're you're telling this part and you can hear like nothing in there and then you get to your... That's how you know you got that's how you know they're really locked in. They're really locked in and then you get to your punch line you hear the

huge you're like wow yeah. Like I think you could do if you're if... That's how you know they're really locked in. They're really locked in. And then you get to your punch line, you hear the huge, you're like, wow. Like I think you could do, if you're doing one, you know, I don't wanna seem like I'm knocking one-liners. Maybe the next thing I'll do is fucking one-liners. But like, I wonder if there's like an amount of time where you're like, okay, I can watch 30 of this and this is awesome and it's amazing. Yeah.

I don't know if I can do an hour and a half. I don't know, maybe you can. Maybe somebody's like really good You lock it in But I think the guys were telling these longer form stories I Think yeah, I think I think you can just hold that attention in a more enjoyable way Yeah for a longer period of time especially when you get to those big venues and you kind of we like the thing that's like we try to do is like

You know when you tell your stories you have them locked big venues. And you kind of, we, like, the thing that's like, we try to do is like, you know, when you tell your stories, you have them locked in, and then you, if you end one, you can then go, set up punch, set up punch, joke, joke, joke, and then before you're next. So it's not just also one note of just stories. Yeah. You know what I've noticed over the years too, cause I hang out with dudes a lot, is that you guys love to just sit around and tell stories.

That is how men communicate primarily and then women are more- Stories we've already told each other. Oh my God, you guys jerk off with storytelling. I love being with my friends and sitting down and telling, remember when Jamil did and just all of us die laughing and the story just gets mutated and it's not even close to what it was 20 years ago when it happened. Oh yeah, it starts to evolve.

Also, the best thing is like, we're hanging out, and like, you know, you're here and Kirk's here. I'm like, Kirk, tell him that story. Story, it's a story buddy. And then I wanna watch you laugh at it. React to the story. And then I like, you forgot the, like I know the story better. You're tagging. Yeah, yeah. And then I like, you forgot the, like I know the story better.

You're tagging his shit, yeah. But women all communicate emotionally. Yeah. Like what did you do, how are your kids, how's the husband, what's happening with you personally? I told somebody that you made me laugh so hard with she always like, when I get back, she'll be like, you know, how's Andrew?

I'm like good. And she'll be like, like how's his wife? And I'll go, I don't know. She's like, you didn't ask him? And I'm like, well I mean, it just didn't, maybe we were doing other things. Yeah, it didn't come up'm like, good. And she'd be like, how's his wife? And I'd go, I don't know. She was like, you didn't ask him? And I'm like, well, I mean, it just didn't, I mean, we were doing other things. Yeah, it didn't come up, yeah, yeah. And she was like, you didn't say like-

That's all we talk about. And I'm like, I mean, I think she's good. He got a new putter. Yeah, what? Yeah. Because I know everything about my friend's lives and the baby. Yeah, I wonder why that's not as in-

You guys don't give a shit about each other Here's something. I'm curious here as thoughts on I was talking to girls that work for me and like did just like the dating scene in New York and Because I've heard these like topics come up a lot in Podcasts, but even just conversation like from women like red flags and X Factor yeah, and I've never subscribed to this is like a real thing. Yeah but What they they said something kind of interesting they were like You know X factor yeah, and I've never subscribed to this is like a real thing. Yeah but what they they said something kind of interesting they were like a The pressure for a woman to be with somebody

So like the pain of being without anybody is worse than the pain of being with someone they don't like So a lot of these girls are dating guys that they don't like because that's better. Jesus Christ. Than being alone. OK, and there's like societal shit, you know, your parents going, hey, you got to get married, like, you know, you've got to be with somebody. Don't be alone.

So they're dating these guys that they actually don't like. And when you don't like someone and you're with them, everything about them is the ick, right? Everything about them is the red flag. I'm sure you guys love each other. So the shit that he does that is absolutely disgusting, it rolls right off your back because you actually love it. And to me, any good relationship I've had,

that's kind of what I've experienced. It's like the horrible things, like, ah, whatever, it's him, I don't care. And then you see this all over the internet, these girls are like, I don't like a guy when he's in the rain and he brings up his shoulders. It's like, no, you just don't like that guy. Like, you hate him.

That's exactly right. And, but you feel so much social pressure to be with somebody because it's stigmatized to be alone, that now you're with these guys you don't even like, and then you're making up these justifications for why you don't like them. No, no, you don't like them. You don't like him. You don't even like, and then you're making up these justifications for why you don't like them. No, no, you don't like them. You don't like them.

You don't like him. But there are objective male icks for me personally. Yeah. In Austin, it's very common for men to have buns. Go fuck your mother if you're wearing a bun. But yeah, because he's the opposite of a bun, right? It's disgusting to me. Yes, basically.

You just love him. Yeah, I do love him. Yeah, you have a type. It's Tom But I imagine if he had beautiful long luscious hair and it was a lot too. I can if I want to yeah, of course Yeah, we could take a Turkish Airlines They've reached out how they really yeah You said no. Yeah, I was like, you know, the thing is I've been bald like the shaved head for a while Yeah, I don't have a weird shaped head. Yeah, so it's like I don't I'm not like

Yes, so then you just go and you can grow a beard if you can't do the beard I think that you kind of got to go plugs. Yeah You got it cuz it looks weird if the plugs look good enough now these days They're pretty but it's also like it's it's not like do they look good It's does it look better than you bald And I think that's the thing that we never compare distinction, you know, like when you see someone with fucked up plastic surgery. Yes, it's like Yeah, they might look weird. Let's see. Do they look better than they were with nothing? I also feel like my theory on anything cosmetic,

if it bothers you enough, it's not about what you say, it's what you do. In other words, if my teeth were fucked up, I promise you, you would see veneers. Because it would bother me to have, I know that about myself. If this bothered me enough, I could change it. So it actually doesn't bother me enough.

Here's what I'm noticing about these pictures Josh brought up. It's not the baldness that's the problem. It's the thinningness. So you must commit to either having a head full of fake hair or balding, but it's the in-between. When I got to that level, the thin, that's when I didn't go like, I'll just wait.

Once it was thin, I was like, it looks weird. Then you took it all off. I just took it off. It still grows, like, if I grow, I grow fully around the back and up to here. This goes out, I'm like, I'm not doing that. I'm not rocking the fucking empty foreground. No.

Yeah, cause that's what looks bad is the thinning. Essentially, you need to basically fill that in, and then you need to get on the hairpills. I haven't taken hairpills since I'm like 20 or something. Really? It looks great. It looks great. The hairpills.

I noticed it starting to go, and I was like 20 something, and I was like, I think I'm too young for this to happen. And then I've just stayed on it since. Wow. Yeah. Like the Propecia stuff? Yeah, so it was Finasteride is the one that it's called. Wow.

And I think what it did is just kept it there, maybe even grew a little back. Like I had like, I think I have like pictures of like having like bald spot. Not really? Not bald spot, but like a little bit of thinning. But you're hyper aware too, like when you're a dude and you first think you're losing it.

Like you know the, there's a beautiful clip. Because I tell you this because you're so like into online stuff and I can't believe we haven't even talked about Temptation Island Spain. But, because I know you speak Spanish and you've been, have you been watching? I have no idea about this. I can't believe that I'm gonna break this to you.

We got something to watch tonight. I know. I cannot believe I'm gonna break this to you. Temptation Island Spain. You don't know about Montoya? No, nothing, nothing. What? This is the most viral thing in the world right now. Really?

Hold on one second, hold on one second. I know my husband's not gay. We're gonna get it, we're gonna get it. SSA. Okay, so what was it? Oh, there's a beautiful moment where a guy, he's this Argentine guy, he's in a car with his girlfriend and she's filming it and she's letting him know,

she's letting him see his hair. It looks like for the first time, he's seen it but he kinda moves it, and she takes a picture of the top of it, and he's never seen the top. And then he looks at it and he's just like. This is a couple in a car? They're in a car, yeah.

This is like a social media clip. Yeah, it's just. I've seen this clip. Okay, I knew it, I knew it. What the fuck, I wanted it. But the girl is so beautiful. She's like, I'm more than. It's like a social media clip. Yeah, it's just- I've seen this clip. I knew it. I've seen this clip. But the girl is so beautiful. She's like, I'm more than- It's pure love.

She's dying laughing. He's looking at himself and he's like, fuck, I'm screwed. Like in Spanish, he's like, holy shit, I'm bald. I had no clue. And she does not give a fuck. She just loves this guy. It's a beautiful, beautiful moment. She's like, no.

He's like, yeah, it's still good. And she's like, no, honey. No, it's all, it's good no he's like yeah, it's still good, and she's like no No, it's all it's good. He's like what the fuck Yes, that's a great clip okay, so there's this show called temptation island Spain, okay temptation island is this franchise I guess there are people who are couples they go to Some fucking resort or whatever like that They split up the couple and then they basically have other people come in and try To fuck their girlfriends and boyfriends cool Yes, and then you have to see if you can resist the temptation got it

And this was I think the first time in the history of the show Where everybody cheated? But the crazy thing is Spanish yeah, okay, Spanish. Yeah, okay, so this is Montoya. This guy, viral sensation Montoya, okay? I think it's Jose Carlos Montoya or something like that. Like he's with this girl Anita. And the first moment that goes viral is when he first sees, because they have these video cameras and they play for them what is happening when they cheat.

So you can watch what happens I'd puke all over myself Yeah, so do you have any clips that you can can play is there like some greatest hits? Let's see this How hot would you love that would you be J and your D watching me make out with another dude with another you love it? Spaniard oh my gosh here. It's like I wish that I should have just brought some shit here to you It's like getting it from the reaction videos is tough stuff. Yeah, but just fine Maybe you can find like like a kick-tocks trailer or something So he had a meltdown he watches his girl getting piped out and my little sex And then he's running down the beach to go stop it and then the host is going Montoya

No, but he's literally running down the beach full speed. The cameraman's following him to go stop the guy who's banging his girl. He knows that the girl's getting banged out because he's watching it live. They're in the bed together. She goes on top of him. Oh my god. And you see the thrusting, pumping motion.

We gotta get into this. And they're adding the sound effects like that. Yeah. We gotta watch the show. Oh no, it's, I mean. This is it right here? This is maybe one of the moments. He's had about, yeah, here we go.

Yeah. Do we have audio? Yeah. Montoya, por favor! Por favor! He's running on the beach. Cabrona! Cabrona.

Por favor, Montoya, por favor! Por favor, Montoya! Ah! Montoya! Oh, that is awesome. Okay, yeah. So, and then just every single clip that comes from this thing is just and then you got to meet the people that are Bangin your girl. Oh my god, they bring them like face to face. They start talking shit to each other I mean the show is like a train wreck. He looks see it. Oh, no

All right, let's watch He's watching You've broken me he's like i love you so one day this week i was just on x minding my own business and oh that's where those full clips are on x yeah okay full clips are on X. Yeah. Okay. Y'all understood that. Is this guy with the British accent, the video or that guy? It's no, it's the video guy narrating it. Oh, here it is. You're a fucking person. You're going to regret all your life. Enjoy it! Enjoy it! Enjoy it! You've turned me upside down!

You've turned me upside down! I just can see from his... Dude, this show is fucked up. It's just already... Look at it, look at it. You can hear the devastation in his head. Montoya! Montoya! Dude, I'm gonna cry. I don't know if I can watch this. And it's only censored for YouTube. I can't believe we don't have a clip, but he's clapping it on TV like no.

That's his girl? Yeah. Wow, she's pretty pissed. Oh dude. She just mocks him when they go meet each other later. She like walks up. Why is she so mad at him? Because apparently like a girl was flirting with him and and then she got to learn that so she's like

I'll just fuck this guy Guy comes back and they start talking shit He goes dude I took your girl in fucking three days the guy who bangs her out right that guy right there the guy who? Takes her her name is Anita He's like he's risen her up for like days, right? He goes let's go to your room or something like that. And then she goes, yeah, you can sleep on the floor,

whatever. And he goes, all right, yeah, sure, I'll sleep on the floor. And then something happens in the room, and then he goes, okay, have a good night. And she's like, yeah, you're leaving? He's like, yeah, you have a good night. And he walks out the room, and it's on, there's cameras everywhere.

He walks out the room, this shit is swag. Walks out the room, right? Stands's cameras everywhere. He walks out the room. This shit is swag walks out the room, right? Stands in front of the door and he goes, no, no. She opens the door, brings him into the room. It's unbelievable. It's one of the most amazing things you've ever seen. You're like, oh my God.

Because if she doesn't open that door, man, is that rough. Yeah, yeah. But you do. Like the whole, like you just count down, you're like, oh. All right, I'm outta here. Yeah, yeah, I guess I'll go home, guess I'll go back to my room now.

Yeah, holy shit. And this is just one couple. There's 10 different couples that all go through the exact same thing. So this is a global sensation right now. It is the only thing on TikTok. Okay. How are you not telling me that? But I'm on the dark side of TikTok. this isn't global sensation right now. It is the only thing on TikTok. Okay. How are you not telling me about this?

But I'm on the dark side of TikTok. I don't see regular people things. Erin the Plumber, you know about Erin the Plumber? No. Do you watch the Zeus Network at all? No. Oh my God. You ever watch Tubi movies?

Yeah, I'm in one. Are you? Yeah, the movie I did, Peter Dinklage ended up on Tubi. Oh, I love Peter Dinklage. Oh, I got that haircut. Yeah, I remember. That youth haircut. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, remember. Yeah, it was a youth haircut. Yeah, it was great.

Youth, thank you. Yeah. But yeah, Aaron the Plumber, shout out Aaron the Plumber. This guy's fucking hysterical. So there's like this dating show, and the Zeus Network is this, I think you gotta pay for it, but it is just like, it's as ratchet as it can be. But this guy is a, he's hilarious.

And his whole thing was he's gonna go on this thing and basically I think The producers got in his ear and they're like listen if you fight a lot you're gonna get a lot of screen time He's like all right. It's on yeah every scene. He's fighting. He's talking to this trans girl He doesn't know that she's trans and he's trying to like flirt with her and then he finds out that she's She's it's at what I saw a clip of this guy. I saw a clip of this guy Yeah, yeah, you go to the fight and then his reaction to the fight Yeah, so he fights with the trans girl right there This man did not even have a

Riddler bro thing about stuff like that was pretty fun like you you you want to do it again? Why you want to go again? Oh? Shit is a fighter, bro. Oh Like you you you want to do it again? Fuck okay, it's a cuz the reaction video So I cut it up to cut it up But basically like fucking whale so he was flirting with her on the bus and like he's like I'll give me a kiss or something like that cuz he thinks it's like a girl He's trying to like make some you know he's on a dating show. Yeah, like let's have some fun. He finds out Bring him into this room where it's him another dude and

And now he's been notified that she's trance yeah, so now he's a different energy And he's trying to be polite, but he's so so he's usually like certain words. He's like he's like yes, sir Hello, sir. How are you? How you doing? Whatever and then she's kind of like antagonizing a little bit and Well, they start swinging and then he has this reaction that is he goes he goes and her man voice comes out That's what it says here Here it is. There's no volume. You a man right? A trans. Aaron, you keep calling me a man. You had to bring the man out.

Did you care about that when you were trying to kiss me? Trying to kiss you? Fuck! He goes right to a ten. Hold on. My face looks good. Yeah, no it don't. There you go.

Be yourself baby. Be yourself. Oh Oh shit That's hilarious Shit okay, so you may get on you need to get some things to watch that Zeus Zeus and then the temptation now Yeah, do it and don't forget When you're thinking of things to watch Andrew Schultz life is streaming now on Netflix real quick before we go There's one thing I have to bring up to you. Yeah the This is when I knew you were really locked in on the internet stuff I Followed this guy who's like a tailor that sexually harasses. Oh yeah, come on.

Yeah, who like, and I don't know why I follow him. I'm like, I don't know if this is a schtick or it's real, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? But hey, I have a little Asian boy with the tightest ass, whatever. I'm like, this is hilarious. And I follow him. And then I scroll and all of a sudden you're in the fucking video. I could I must have sent that to like 20 people I couldn't believe I might have even texted you I couldn't believe it. Yeah, how does that even? Yeah, Rashaan? That's that Sam's Taylor in Hong Kong Hong Kong. Yes, so we had we had

Found him like as we play clips a lot. Yeah, we're like the same thing. We're like this guy's hilarious. These are crazy clips he's insane. And then my tour started last year in Asia. He hits me, he's like, you're not coming to Hong Kong. And I go, yeah, he goes, bro. So he reached out to you because you'd played the clips. Because we played his clips and everything.

We'd actually done a bit like virtually, you know what I mean, like over Zoom with him one time. We talked about something and he had sent measurements. He made us, they know, I mean like over zoom with him one time we talked about something and he had sent measurements He made us they make I mean the last six US presidents got suits from them Oh, yeah, and they have that's a crazy his dad the dynamic Joe Biden is making his suit His dad is like a very proper. Yeah polite guy Okay, and he he kind of reminds me of like I like to upset my mom by doing shit So he's sitting there doing shit. He's like, you know, he's like, oh you got tight ass and his dad's his dad's like

Like what and then you know, he's like I'll be like, oh your wife's beautiful He's like she doesn't let me hit it anymore. And then his dad's like, hey Like stop talking like that, you know, like he's being like he's almost like provoking. Yes his father. Yeah, which is very funny So anyway, I tell him I'm I'm coming to Hong Kong He's like you have to stop in our hotel was like two blocks I love it and we come in he gave me the full He calls it the full treatment like the service the full service and yeah, he just makes this is like his genuine personality He's a wild man, but the flip side is like some of these guys online

We've met like a lot of crazy guys and they do not have a skill set like there's nothing of value He's an elite Taylor. This is an elite like Movie stars all the best soccer players in the world Yeah, like they've all gotten suits from these guys. And then he's also this lunatic online. So he's super entertaining, but top quality suits. Okay, so it's a real thing. It's a real thing.

Got it. And then, wow, I'm so surprised that his family isn't worried about the risk. I think his dad doesn't get what's going on online. Maybe he doesn't realize how big it is. He doesn't get what's going on online. Maybe he doesn't realize what's going on and he's probably like, dad let me handle the social media. Like you don't know this shit. Yeah. Fucking 75. Got it. Yeah. And then it's just, yeah, he's sitting there just being, you know, himself. Yeah, just Pavarotti's there. Like, I mean, yeah, there's, it's literally an

endless list. Like he had this room in the back, there's George Bush right there. In the back, the dad was like, come see this. And then he stopped everyone with him, he's like, not you guys, him. And they were like, oh, okay. And he took me in the back, and in this frame, he had the cloth selections of the US presidents.

And they're framed in the back. And he's like, yeah, I don't let, he doesn't even let people see it. So it's a specific cloth that he only gives them? So like, this is Clinton's, this was Obama, this was Bush, and like, I just have it here and no one, and we don't give it to anybody else once they get it. So once that cloth is there, that material,

they don't make for anybody else. That's his yeah Wow, very cool and like I would look like there's I think like George senior in the In the shop. Yeah Wow, yeah pretty wild. I mean so funny that the kid is just like he's so funny. This is this is a Then then we're out here last thing I'll say, but very fun talking to you guys, I saw this thing, the oldest hotel in the world, was this hotel started in 703 in Japan, and it stayed in the same family for 52 generations.

Wow. Which at the beginning you're like, wow, that's incredibly impressive, look at how resilient that family dynamic is, that you would just bestow this business generation over generation and people continue to run it. The Vanderbilts can barely keep their money three generations, like how about 52?

But one of the concerns I had about it with it is like within those 52 generations, there are a few guys that really want to be a stand-up comedian, or they want to be a fucking samurai Or they wanted to do whatever this and they couldn't because that cultural rigidity The nice thing is a lot of the people didn't have those dreams But they had a lot of purpose that they had this thing that they could build This is another thing like, you know women being moms

It's kind of similar where it's like there used to be some nobility and like being a cobbler and your father was a cobbler and you're a cobbler and like if you didn't have this dream to go out do something else you really had this thing that you could be proud of and I think we've kind of moved away from that with like dreamer culture a little bit but it's cool to see this guy who clearly wants to be funny and famous and antagonize and joke around, maintaining the legacy of his father. At the same time. Also having some fun. Yeah.

And yeah, this is a, maybe there's like an interesting balance there. There is, yeah, yeah. And then, you know, you have every reason to believe that like he has kids that they're gonna carry on. Yes, yeah. There's a lot of pride in that culture. Well, I always feel like, dude, release day is a lot of fun.

Like, congratulations. It feels fun, right? It's exciting that it's out. It's always like this... Yeah. It's conflicting. Sometimes you're a little nervous about it, you have anxiety, but it's also like a celebration. So are you staying in town tonight?

I'm going to stay in town one more day, then I get back. You can take some time off? Yeah. Like, I think I'll do press. I think I'll do press maybe for a couple more weeks. Yeah. Yeah, because I think you really gotta get after it. I think you can't just sit on the algorithm and hope.

You gotta make sure people know about it. But then I take time off. I wouldn't be able to think of this if I didn't take time off. I find if I just tour without taking time off, I end up doing a different version of the same jokes I was doing. Because I haven't let enough life change happen.

So I'm hoping that I take some time off and then in a few months I start from scratch. And it's humbling as fuck. It sure is. Just to go up there and like, people are the most excited because you just came from your special. So they're like, dude, this guy's hilarious. They bring all their friends. They. Yeah, so they're like dude this guy's hilarious

They bring all their friends like you know fucking funny this guy's and then you go up there and you're like Not that man anymore. No, I know that um I already have tour ending anxiety coming up right now because I know This tour is gonna end and I have to start at square one again, and will you take time off? Yeah, you you've been touring for a long time with this tour This one was 23 or excuse me started in 24 So this is the second way come together. Yeah It's not I'm coming everywhere. It's just a similar title got it. Okay. That's what I blended

Yeah, but yeah, aren't you gonna take a few months to just be like okay? What's be done? Yeah, and end of this year is the months to just be like, okay, what's? Be done. Yeah. And end of this year is the end of this tour. Wow. Any plans for you guys? Party. Vacation? Get ripped.

Get faded. Yeah, definitely take a trip. Yeah. Polyamory. Swing in. If I can go to Spain, meet those people. You gotta go to Temptation Island. Same sex attraction.

Tommy, Tomaso, no! No. Por favor! You're not running down the beach, you're just jerking off to the video. Hit it! Hit it! Yeah, she likes to ride you that way. That's what we're about. I could not drop you off at the Latin house. No way.

That would be a problem. You like the Latinos. Love them. Okay. Love. On that note, thanks, Andrew. I appreciate you guys having me, man. Congrats on everything, guys. Thank you so much. We'll see you guys next week.

Peace. Hi, I'm Roxanne DiPalma, and I want to know who out there is curious about eco-set. What? What? What? What the fuck is eco sex? The wind in your hair, tree bark, that's exciting in itself. So really let your fingertips run across the tree bark and feel its eroticness. Now you can see the difference. That's exciting in itself. To really let your fingertips run across the tree bark and feel its eroticness. Now you get the penis out. Rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup.

Now you get the penis out. Rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup, rup. Girl get your life. RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP RAP Girl, get your life. What the fuck is eco-set? Me and my girlfriend Summer. What the fuck is EcoSat? What the fuck is EcoSat? What the fuck is Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I am embarrassed. Why are you embarrassed? Because this is disgusting. What the fuck is eco sex? Me and my girlfriend Summer.

What the fuck is eco sex? Would you marry your grandson? Oh my god.