Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Ari Shaffir-206-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 19, 2014

Ari Shaffir AKA Airey Schaeffer is in the building. Sure he put some loose change we had lying around in his pocket, but we still enjoyed his company. Did you ever hear the joke that if we want to win a war we should just send gangbangers to fight them because they love shooting people anyway? Yeah, that's happening. Some OG Sorenos from the 818 are droppin dimes on fools in Syria and the audio is amazing. We have a MAJOR Dental Update - Tina had something SERIOUS done, jeans. Hear the wrath of Ari towards TSA and celebrate Tommy's new special and album. You know what we're sayin? Plus Ari's brown talk will have you cringing, possibly crying and certainly mailing him fiber bars. 

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Guys, what day is it today, Tom? It's a mom's day Wednesday. Mom's day, which means is getting very close to us being at Cobbs Comedy Club in Manfrin disco, yes, California. Guys, if you haven't got your tickets, please get them. They are going fast. It's going to be a Thursday show. We're getting one day closer every time to being on a weekend in San Francisco. We were Wednesday and we're Thursday. So we're inching towards a Friday, Saturday. But we love it up there. Please come out to see us there. Then Friday, we will be at Hermosa Beach at the Comedy and Magic Club doing the podcast in the the side room there. Those tickets are also on sale. If you're a West Sider, South Bayer, Orange County, come see us

at Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach on Friday, the 21st. Should be fun. That's a cool club. It's great. Let you guys get dirty. They told us to, you know, yeah, be yourself. Then let's see, next week I go to LOL, LOL Comedy Club in San Antonio. That's a neat name. I will be there, I think the 27th through however many dates are left in the month in San Antonio. I heard that club was actually that they named that club like like 20, 30 years ago before LOL was a thing. Really? Yeah. It was just this guy's name, John Lowell Simmons. Being serious? Yeah, totally. And so he just named it LOL for his middle name and then it became a thing. John Lowell Simmons. Okay. Let's see. I've got a couple additions. I added, I had a Skyline Comedy Club in

Appleton, Wisconsin. Okay, Appleton, Wisconsin. April 10th through 12th. I got Virginia Beach, April 2nd and 6th. Cleveland, April 24th, my lord. And then we're doing the podcast live in Vancouver on April 30th. Oh, guys, I had to cancel my Cleveland week. I will not be at the Cleveland improv April 10th through 13th. So sorry about that. We'll make it up to you Cleveland somehow. All right. Sorry, buddies. Are you guys gonna be here for 420? We bro. Fire, bro. I don't know where we'll be. I don't know where we are. Let me see. I can look. I can tell you. I think I'm around. Yeah, we're here. We're here. You guys want to do a sketch for a 420 show? Okay, where is comedy store store 20? Maybe. What's the good day of the week is that it's a Sunday

Easter Sunday Easter Sunday. That's the Lord's Day. That's a double Lord. They fucking know what you are. Don't worry about it. No, we won't worry about it. We're Catholics. I'll pay you guys. This guy's out of his mind. Let's see. Do you have any dates when to plug? Yeah, I'll be in the San Jose improv this weekend. You fucking you waiting on that? Do you want to say whatever regardless? And guys, go see airy Schaefer's Schaefer's at the San Jose improv. You're bringing a very funny comic with you who I really enjoy. Steve Simone. Yeah, he's super funny. I had a long negotiating process to be able to get my feature with me. I had to be like, okay, I only want one of them. So you'll save that much money. Can I have some of that towards the hotel room for

him? Yeah, really? But I guarantee you'll like our show because as you as you all know, Jews are funny. I just think the Jews are great. Who's that? You know who that is. Say a player again. I just think the Jews are great. No, you know that guy. You don't know what that is. What's more? Jews are funny. He sounds foreign. Is he foreign? He's good. And he's not a Jew. Yeah, he's not a Jew. Well, yeah. Yeah. Here he is. Make yourself useful, you stupid, dumb, fucking, cock, sucking mother fucker. See you. I don't know. I eat the ass and pussy all the time. I got nothing. Come on, I didn't give it away. Nothing. Someone eats ass and pussy. I fuck the girl with no arms and one leg. Oh, Yoshi. There you go. Yes. Yeah. I made the origin in 1980. Did I do? Here's a fucking one mean nigger.

Is the accent the only one thing but then the mumbling on top of it really makes you like whoa, it's not up on me. Yeah, there you go. That's fun. That's a great thing to play before our ads. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, the great. So yeah, San Jose, go see Ari this weekend. And it's a beautiful venue. Gosh, that's San Jose improv. That's a beautiful club. Just stick. You're gonna have a great time. It's like a while. Yeah, actually, we did that. We co-headlined that one night. Do you remember that? It was a Rogan weekend and they gave us the night before the weekend started. Oh, yeah, was the Rogan just come anyway? Yes. Yeah. Why'd you do in the show, man? You're here. And then I got sunk because he was like, I'm just going to pop in and watch you guys. I was like,

why? Why? It's going to be so lame. Wait to watch us tomorrow. Yeah, with your crowd. Yeah. Your better crowd. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's fun. They had that museum across the street. You've never been to that? Oh, I've been there. Yeah, I left my well, because I went there with Mary Lynn Rice Cub last year when I did San Jose and she and I went sightseeing. It was really cool. There's a nice church there too. Oh, wait, but you're not allowed in there. Do you light on fire when you step into a Christian church? I went to a Christian church once. I took me to the one that John F. Kennedy got married in. Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah. Where's that? I don't know in the New York somewhere. This is a long time ago, but then they give you the wafers, you know,

and they hand him out to everybody. But I'm like, no, no, no. That's good. You put this in my tongue. That's how it works. Yeah. And by the way, it's really good. You didn't eat that. I did eat it. You did eat that? Yeah, I just made the put it on my tongue. What happens to me? Is that why I have a little bowel syndrome? It's just because it's a huge disrespect for you to eat the way for it. Oh, yeah, totally. Fuck them. Wow. It's gonna be a really hostile show. Hey, Yoshi again. All right. So all right. So let's start the show. Here we go. All right, Shafir is here. Let's do this. Hey, we're still right here, homie. It's fucking morning. Fucking. We got the enemy guys right there, homie. Let me represent myself homie. It's Creeper homie from the G-Dub 13 gang

homie, Sun Valley gang homie. Fucking Weiner from West Side Army and Power gang homie. Still Porosurrenios putting it down, homie. And Middle East homie in Syria, still gang bangin. I'll give it a fuck, homie. Now homie, check this out. The Porosur 13 homie, still gang bangin. This shit homie. Got the G-Dub homie. Go, Mali. Check out the enemy guys right there, homie. They're all right there, dog. But we don't give a fuck, homie. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Tom Segura and Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Man. I love that clip. That is fucking. Were those your classmates in high school? Yes. Pretty

much. That's what growing up in the San Fernando Valley sounded like. Literally, that's a homie so much. This video is absolutely killing me. This is two. What's it from? So apparently this was released a couple of weeks ago. These two guys are claiming that they're in Syria. It sure looks like it and fighting and they're, they're gang, they're like, they have become the real, you know that joke that every black comic did for, you heard it like a hundred times. These guys are doing it. It's a good premise. That's a good premise. Yeah. I heard that joke so much, especially during the Iraq war when that really took off. Should send. Yeah. I'm not an awesome homie from two one street. Yeah. Always be there with a bat.

That's all they need. Yeah. These guys, they loved and these guys are really that like they're really serving in the military. No, I don't know. They're not in the military. What do you mean? No, they just like to fucking shoot. That's the whole thing. No, they just put themselves over in Syria. And yeah, yeah, you don't get that. I'm sorry. I thought they were in military. No, no, they just went to Syria to fuck because they like to fucking shoot like black ops or whatever. They're like like hired fucking mercenary guys. That's bananas. Yeah. Yeah. These guys are that's what it's called. They're like that, except they're obviously the real cheap. And they're from the valley. That guy read my my. Absolutely.

Yeah. No, these are not military or whatever. Yeah. No, no, no, no. These guys are like like we get to really fucking gang bang, but we get one or two. Yeah, they're out there. They're just really fucking ready to do it, man. Yeah, they're they're still gang banging this. Get the gdub homie. Come on. The fuck is it got the enemy guys right there homie. They're all right there, dog. But we don't give a fucking homie. Where's their beeping in this one? Yeah. As you know, homie, and shout out homie, Caponi, Mr. Criminal from Silver Lake homie. And crazy local from Pasadena. Okay. Pink lady. We still got love for your girl. We still got love for all your homies.

Oh, you bought those. Beep stuff. They're just fucking like they all got shot. Yeah, these dudes are hilarious. Shout out to Pink Lady. They always have names like that. I grew up with gang bangers named well puppet. That's a big one. Puppets big. Yeah. La Diabla Joker. That's a huge one. Joker crazy something that he gave us out to crazy local crazy local. So he's double crazy. Yeah, that's right. Crazy thing. Yeah. Yeah. Smile now cry later. Yeah. That and all the cholos I grew

up with they loved. They loved oldies. That's that's what cholos listen to. Yeah. So they'd be like, Hey, you like oldies. I'm like, What? Why would I listen to like it was the 90s. They love like that song. I'm your puppet. You know that? Do you know that song? No. Carl LeBov is a deep, you know, Carl LeBov. Yeah, they all listen to that stuff. We're like Carl LeBov. I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. I'm not Carl LeBov. Who's the the radio DJ or something like that. Something like that. LeBov. Yeah. And he he does these like cholo shout outs because he knows he's got prisoners. You should see these guys shoot to they're like they're not even they're not even like actually they're just like holding it up like yeah, like gang

bangers style. It's so fucking hysterical. So I guess these Armenian, I don't know, man. It's weird. They're like Armenian and Mexican gang bangers. Okay. They usually they generally don't roll together from what I understand. Yeah, they're gross in their own ways. I understand the Persian gangs. I remember those growing up. No. Yeah. What do they do? They hang out at Taco Bell. Hmm. They don't really do shit. Mexicans did shit. Those guys really cut each other, you know, stab. Oh, right. What did you grab again? So we're playing Maryland with a bunch of Jews. They don't there's no Jew gangs. No, not reggae in Israel, but like nothing, nothing. They're just like crews. What did you kids do then? We just were victims. We're

trying to be victims. People yelled at us from outside their car windows. So anti-Semitic stuff. We're all just keep walking. Don't be a victim. You Jew motherfucker. Do people call you names growing up? Like really? Barely because we were only with we're only with other Jews. I'm sorry. I have to see if his big daddy Kane has the Wild Wild West on it. Oh, talking about Kool Moe D. Oh, Kool Moe D. No wonder I couldn't find it. Yeah. What's big daddy Kane's big hits? I guess ain't no half-stepping is definitely a hit for him. Do you sing that for us? I'm not sure I know it. I can't really sing it for you. I can pull it up for you. If you want me to pull it up. Ain't no half-stepping. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. You should

full step or forget it. So what did you and your Jew friends do growing up? We played basketball on Saturdays or football. We would we get home to school at like 4th, 530 school at long. Did you listen to this stuff growing up? No. I'm usually a bad kid or two would listen to it. They had problems. Kids like Tom? My mom would let me go to a rap concert because of the trampolines. Oh, half-stepping. Here we go. I'm pretty sure big daddy Kane closed in playgirl even. Really? Yeah. Would you guys do that? Would you do that? No, but I did get offered once to get a blowjob on camera, but I got to wear a mask and no one could see my face.

What? When? And I was like, this is like seven, eight years ago. You considered it. Oh, yeah, totally consider it. I was like, I think I'm in. It's 500 bucks. How did the offer come to you? Katie Seabury that the drunk waitress is always at the store. She knew somebody that was looking for people. So she brought that. She was like, Ari, I'll throw it at Ari. Yeah. She threw a lot of us and a lot of people were like, nah, but I'm like, wait a minute, wait, we are a mask, right? How can this hurt us? It's true. We get a blowjob out of it. We're not. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were giving. Oh, no. Oh, I was like, oh, that's okay. Okay. Well, no, I didn't know. I don't know what your get a blowjob mask on. I don't know. So you give a blowjob through a mask. No, you get one. Would

you do that 500 bucks before you met Christina? If you asked me at the right, you know, the right, that's why I said seven, eight years. I was like, yeah, there's a time you could ask me. Yeah, you needed the money. I'd be like, seven, eight years together. I would just know. So I'm saying like, okay, 2002, you get I would have commis or the right week, right? The right week, you ask somebody that like, there's times we're like, I need money badly. You're single. You're horny enough, like all the right factors line up. I could see you accepting it. Yeah. Well, what's to lose? Right? The man that the anonymity is huge for, you know, so wait, so you didn't go with the offer. Yeah. I mean, what happened? You just went back. I was like, yeah, I'm into it, but

then it's just like, cool. I'll talk to you about it later. And then we just didn't talk about it later. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. But then how do you trust them that they're going to, you know, keep your face out of it? Like, we're in the mask. Oh, oh, yeah. Sorry. I thought you were super imposed your face on top of the mask, but that's so much effort. It's a lot to spend on. We're all like, who's looking to watch porn of a girl blowing a guy in a mask? It takes all kinds. Who wants to watch a girl fart and, you know, smell the panties of a girl farting. And then someone does right now. They absolutely love it. Somebody listening right now. Loves it. You guys just don't get it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of girls make money just selling their used panties. Oh, I

could do that. They get new underwear all the time. So that's benefit number one. Yeah. And then they get to make money off those panties. One of my used panties slave. You just love my pussy and ass smell. And flavors. Don't you? Can you get these bathing suit bottoms? I know what you're going to do with them. You will deeply inhale my fragrance as you stroke your puny fucking cock. Yep. That's good. How much do you think she got paid to do that? I think it was her own site. So no one hired her. She's making that Facebook video. She's like, Hey, get my album. Got you. I know a female comedian that actually sold her panties. Really? Yeah. She would meet people in like Chuck E. Cheese parking lots and then do the Jesus. She would already

have in a bag in a bag and like you're taking them off or anything. No, just in a bag handoff. Yeah. Yeah. No, never. I can't believe she's doing that consistently. Yeah, that's weird. How much do they sell them for? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure either. 40, 50 bucks. Probably a good price. You know what? A lot of comments are doing that for money. Lift. What's that? They're driving for lift and Uber. That's a great. That's great for comics. Oh, my God, do it for three hours and like I'm done. They could do it till like you have an audition like, Oh, cool. I'm clocking out. Where was that 10 years ago? We were fucking open. You don't need a good car either. Oh, car. Yeah, I'll do that now. Yeah. Now, what happens

though when you get because I wonder this too, like if you're fully in, it doesn't matter. But if you're kind of doing it this way, let's say like you, you pick somebody up and they're like, cool, man, let's go to San Diego and you're like, Oh, fuck. Like let's go to Anaheim. You're like, what? No, man, let's go in the Hollywood. I don't know if you get a bad review if you say no. Well, somebody said, were we with a driver in Brooklyn? Yeah. The guy that was dropping off at the airport and he said that some guy got into his car and was like, take me to Easton, Pennsylvania from Brooklyn and then went to a Walmart, bought a TV and an iPad and then went back to Brooklyn. What? Yeah. We'll see on drugs. Well, they're

like, these are clearly, don't you touch him with those hard touches? It's a, it's clearly somebody manipulating, you know, stolen credit card. Somebody's committing a crime on some level. Yeah, it's not. It's not on the level. Yeah, it's not. It's definitely not on the level. I like crimes. Yeah, I do. I like learning about it. Yes, but steal tic-tacs from the airport just to keep in shape. Keeping criminal shape. Yeah, just to stay sharp. So funny. Like, why? You don't even, it tic-tacs. I was like, no, I'll throw him away. But I just want to feel it. Yeah, that's so funny. That's awesome. You've been cut stealing? Yeah, once my sister intercepted the call from people's drugs, CVS drugs, my sister intercepted it

and it was like, okay, I'll talk to him. Wow. Officer, but I used to steal constantly. Yeah, I could see that. There you go. There's the rebellion. All the time. What was your like, just anything and everything? I would justify it a little bit like this. It was most like novelty items. So like, I was into Gumby for a while. So I saw a Gumby pen at like Spencer's. You steal. I stole them from Spencer's. I stole a magic eight ball from Spencer's. Yeah. What was your stealing? A little bit too expensive. So you're like, this shouldn't be 750 for a pen. So I'll just take it. It's justified. Yeah. Were you like, did you have like a whole, were you super sneaky, like planning it out, everything? Or

did you just kind of walk? I just saw it and liked it and went for it. One time I was with my mom and she was in front of me and I saw this sunglasses that I grabbed and I was like, oh, cool. And I saw she was, she wasn't looking back. And I was like, I'll take that. I was so nervous walking up those doors. Yeah. So you get caught there. Mom. So much trouble. I went. You steal ever? A few times. One time I stole accidentally and I went back and told them really? Because it wasn't, it wasn't really like, I wasn't stealing. I mean, I went into a 7-11. And it once you're out the door. I went into 7-11 at the one near my house and I got a Gatorade and I just walked out. Yeah. So later I went back. I was like, I just walked out with a

Gatorade earlier. Here's $3 or whatever. That's nice of you. Yeah. He was like, all right. Like he didn't give a fuck. But I stole a couple little things, like little items, but nothing ever, not regularly or never significant. I saw a lot of CDs and records and tapes from Columbia House and BMT. Good. As well you showed up. They're very expensive. I gotta tell you, I was really tempted to earlier this year steal a wallet from a store. Really? Yeah, because it was like, it was, I was, I was considering, I was trying to find the right wallet. Remember I was looking at different wallets? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I went into one store and I was just like, I should just put this in my pocket. The thought just kind of like repeated in my mind. They

wouldn't know too. They feel like, what are you doing? I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. I put it in there without even thinking. That was completely my thought is that I'd be like, shit, you know what? I just put it in my pocket because it's a wallet. I stole a Kush ball like that once and Chesapeake Knife and Tool. They had those Kush balls. I was playing with them. I was looking at those little metal, remember those metal puzzles? You had to like take the ring off and it was so hard, like two horseshoes with chain in the middle. Yeah. You remember those? No, you don't. Anyway, but I was looking at those and tossing it up. I was like, oh, I can just walk out like this. I was just throwing it up to myself by the walk through the doors. Really? What are they

gonna do if they like, excuse me? Like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Well, and that's the key to excellent thievery is to act like you know what you're doing. Like either like, this is my intent, like I know what I'm doing here or the, oh, don't do that in customs though. I was coming back from Toronto and I did have an apple in my bag. And then the guy was like, oh, do you have any produce on you? And I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm so sorry. I forgot this apple. And my gosh, you know, geez, don't do that. They don't give a fuck. They sent me over to the agriculture guy. It took like 30 minutes. I got the third degree. What are you doing? Why didn't you know the apples? I'm like, it was a fucking oversight guys. It's an apple. What do you mean? They treat you like an

asshole. I've had a couple of real assholes in customs, but never on our side, only on the Canadian side. Yes, not on our side. Brandon Walsh had a waiting line at the Toronto Comedy Festival a couple of years ago. I don't know if you were there or not. I bet he got fired up too. Yeah, he got real fired up. But they put him in this line, like, all right, go to the right, go to the cost. And they went there and he stood there for like two hours in this long line. And then they got to the front like, Oh, no, you're fine. You don't have to be here. He goes, why am I here then? Why am I in this line? And they got together. The guy should have sent you here. Oh my God. He was so pissed. It's like, Oh, my time back. Yeah, well, that's what you'd want

back. I mean, I had one last time that like, we don't have to get a work visa, you know, but you also, one thing about like customs people is that there is no telling them what's up like there, right? It's a total authority position. Yeah. So the lady was like, No, you have to have it. I was like, I've been up here to do stand up 20 times. Yeah, I know my passport. I know that I don't need it. Yeah. And she was like, Yeah, absolutely do. So I just like, I just let her like kind of walk me through her stupid logic. And then she was like, Are you willing to pay for I go, Do I have an option? Like, Yeah, yeah, I guess. Okay. So I gave her like 100 and whatever bucks. Really? Yeah. And then she stayed able to form to my and I was like, Cool, thanks.

Oh, walk out of that. I mean, like, they even catch you with merchandise going, it's going to Canada. No, no, but I've seen other, I saw a guy who had like all these shirts and like not a comic, but just like some dude, they're like, you have like 100 shirts in here. And he's like, Yeah, just for my family, like all different sizes. He was just bringing in like soccer jerseys. And I was like, Oh, that's it. Yeah, because you're not supposed, you're supposed to declare that too. Really? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. You know, every time I get on airplay now, Ari, I think of you and your love of the TSA. Yeah, I hate them. Oh, of course. I mean, it's every time it just gets worse and worse. They're

dumber and more untrained. Of course they're untrained. It's a fucking, they're the worst. They're the humanity. Do you get like, like, is it building as you like when you get your boarding pass and like, is it fine? I don't have a problem with the people, even if they're rude behind the counter. Yeah, they don't do much. It's like, Okay, this is just your company doing it to me. Yeah. So I can, if the consistently rude at American Airlines, I can just not take American Airlines and I don't have to deal with them. I don't like the government getting involved saying you have to listen to these people. So as you get to security, is your heart rate going up? Yeah, it depends how much I can tell how much I'm going to give it to

them if they bother me today, like how much time I have. And also like, you know, if they're like, sir, can I like one lady was like, sir, you have to wait behind the line. And I was like, I just tried to ignore it. And I walked forward. She goes, sir, it's the way behind the line. I just ignored her. She goes, sir, I have my orders. I'm like, I don't care. What do you mean? Why are they way by the line? I'm here. Take my fucking thing. I just hate them. I just hate them. I'm like, why am I dealing with you in any way? Why am I dealing with you? They're usually very sophisticated. You can tell that they're they've gone to the highest level of training and they're really, really impressive. It's awful. I had on a cloth belt, just a cloth belt. Yeah. My app,

you got to take your belt. I'm like, what are you talking about? I looked there. I didn't even answer. She kind of came at me and started undoing my belt. I was like, don't fucking touch me, bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Cloth. Bitch is crazy. So it wouldn't go off. It wouldn't go off. You got to take off your belt. That's the rule. The rule is metal. The rule is the metal to set it up. That's the rule. Of course. The also I've had multiple TSA officials incredulous that I am not wearing a belt that they can't see. You take your belt off. Yeah. Yeah. You don't have a belt on. No. Yeah. You don't have a belt on. No. Leave me alone. And then they're like, all right, you got to take your belt off. I go, there's no belt. Okay. It's like I'm like,

I'm fucking lying to them about that. Right. They asked me, I put buttons down here sometimes on my pants pocket. I just like the way it looks. And somebody was like, what's that? It's buttons. Like he was like, why are the buttons there? I'm like, I want them there. He goes, that's how they normally go. I'm like, what do you want, dude? Yeah. What do you want? Why am I still talking to you? You're a stranger. I had a guy one time, a TSA guy. My stuff came through. Yeah. And you know, your laptop sits alone. He grabbed it and like, swung it down. And I just, it was impulsive. I just, I go, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. And hey, hey, that's my shit. I need it. And his like supervisor stepped in front of him and was like apologizing for him. It was like, oh, yeah,

sorry about that. You know, I go, why can't he say that? Why are you talking for him? He didn't have the fucking brain. And they just, he just shut down. They didn't, he didn't say anything. And the supervisor was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, we need to take it. Are you going to buy me a new laptop if you fucking break it? I've seen them when it's left there. I'm like, hey, somebody left a laptop here. And they go, oh, okay. And they kind of look around. I was like, hey, someone's walking away right now and getting on their plane. You should go do something and find this person. Because if not for you guys, they wouldn't have left their laptop here. Right. That's another thing. Why do I have to take it out of my bag? Why the fuck does it have to be? Because they're

catching so many terrorists. Because it's not zero ever. They can't see it on the x-ray. That's a fucking laptop. We can't see through it, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am. If you don't like the rules, don't flood. You know what I do sometimes? I just fucking leave it in there. I go, you know what, fuck you. You take it out. I'll tell you what, I do nine times out of 10, I get right through. But then if they go, oh, ma'am, ma'am, I love ma'am. You left your laptop. Oh, I did. Okay. And then you fucking do it. And I make them do it. Yeah. Fuck you. You do it. You never go through the body center, right? No, I don't do that. I know, I know why they have it is because the guy who was running the TSA owned the Bonnie scanner company. He owned it. And he's like, they wouldn't

even, because of like the shoe bomb, it was like, they had a shoe bomber. So now everyone has to take their shoes off. Right. The scanner was just this guy saying, I think we need scanners now. Oh, by the way, I have a scanner company. So I'll make $25 million. I'm like, no. I was talking to one guy about trying to get him to quit. I was being calm. I was like, you know, shouldn't do this. You guys have never caught anybody. And so you're really not offering security in any way. And he goes, what's the problem with it? What's the problem with going through the scanner? I told him, it's like, it's just the guy who your boss, it's just so he can make money. It's not for protection. And he was like, well, I don't see what the problem is,

they're just letting people do it. And I was like, the problem is, and I was watching the other lady going through my bag while I was talking to this dude. I was like, the problem is she just spilled a bunch of Brussels sprouts in my bag and she's not putting it back in the, in the thing, in the bin. And she looked up, she was, what? I saw you spill all his Brussels sprouts out. You were looking at my stuff, you spilled a bunch of Brussels sprouts in my suitcase, and you just zipped up the suitcase. You weren't putting the Brussels sprouts back in the fucking tin they were in. These cooked Brussels sprouts. And she goes, wow, I'm sorry, sorry, the lid just fell off. I'm like, well, why were you just ignoring it? I don't want my shit smelling like Brussels sprouts.

That's what civil liberties are. It means don't fucking spill shit in my bag. It's so lazy. It's just lazy. Yeah. Very lazy, shiftless, lazy. God damn it. There is a separate kind of laziness that black people have. It's a specific like black laziness that they, man, they do that so well. Let's elaborate. Okay. When you order something, that's almost all airport like jobs. So like you order something at the sparrows there. You can do that if you want to move it. And yeah, I have it. And then they go, they go, okay, sir. Like, come on. I'm not asking for that much. This shit should be easy. Where did you encounter the laziest black person? A lot of times airports, but they're,

it's really, it's an all over thing. There's a special lazy quality to them. Is that what you're saying? No, of those who do lazy, black people do lazy better than white people. I got you. So like if you're a black person in the world of lazy, black, what about in the south? Cause there are some really slow, let's be honest. Absolutely. Is it white or black in the south? Who's lazier in the south? Would you say? I would still say black people. Okay. Wow. But it's an aggressive laziness. It's like, they come at you with their lack of desire instead of just trying to get out of work. They don't hide in the back hoping customers leave. It is a very special quality. That's white laziness to hide in the back.

We have to interrupt. I'm sorry. Oh, you know what that means? This is a really special. Today's a really significant one. A really big day. What is it? It's a bummer. This is the dental update in music. A huge dental update today. And it's actually from today. It's terrible. Guys, don't get veneers. Actually back it up. Don't ever knock your teeth out because it's a bummer. I went in today. I had my bondings removed and they shaved down my

two front teeth into little chiclets and it was horrifying. Wait, are those fake teeth that you haven't? These are temps. Yeah. These are two temps. Can you see how the gum line is all purple and bloody? Yeah. That's from blood. Wow. Today. They put those in today? Yeah. These are stumps. So like, what they do is they took off my bondings that I had on and then they shaved down your real teeth to little nubbins. And that's why it's all bloody. And then they put on these temps. And then in the two weeks, I'll have my veneers put on. Those are new? Yeah. You always had real teeth? No. I had half of this knocked out. So I've always had bondings on like fake teeth. What happened? How'd you knock them out? Shut up. Don't tell me.

As a kid, some fucking, it was actually a black person. Yeah. Through metal ring at my head. Not lazy at all. That's actually a sign of them. Get up and go from the homeless community. But not homeless black. Jesus Christ. So yeah. So every 10 or 12 years, I get to replace my two front teeth. Wow, that's cool. Did you ever break a tooth? No. Lucky. How about a bone? Chipped one once. Broke a bone? No. Never broke a bone. Which tooth did you chip? I don't know the front ones, I think. Okay. Well, let me see. What do they do? Bond them? No, I don't know. Is it still there? Yeah. Looks good. Your teeth look good. They didn't do anything. I don't know.

Huh. Maybe they just shaped it down. How are your teeth? I just had my wisdom tooth out. It's the worst. Yeah, it wasn't that bad. Really? So you had three pulled at once? I had my wisdom tooth on this side or the right side bottom just caved in. It just, I felt it fall and it was like, you know, when you walk on glaciers and a whole chunk of it fall, that's how it was. Wow. And it was like, it's decaying from the inside because I haven't been to a dentist in like 10 years. Ari. We just got one from Scott. Yeah. Scott just emailed us. That's bad, buddy. Scott Edwards. I have just experienced a cracked filling. Now cannot chew on one side without a great deal of pain. So this is it. After a decade

of avoiding what I know I should have been doing all along, I found a new dentist and have my initial appointment with him in April 2nd. I am very nervous. The worst. But it has to be done. Can no longer put it off. Dude, they're just going to find some cavities and fill them. They will. No big deal. But you know what I did today? Because I knew there would be, it was literally an hour of drilling, solid hour of drilling. I just put in my iPod and I listened to Ryan Sickler on the Mental Illness podcast. He talks about his horrible mom and you just get into someone's podcast. Maybe Ari Schaffers, maybe your mom's house. I gotta do that Mental Illness podcast. That sounds good. Yeah, I'm doing it pretty soon. You are?

I just got an email that our Hermosa Beach show has disastrously low reservations. What? Yeah, which is crazy. Oh my gosh. On the east side, it's always great. We wanted to try something on this side of town. So for the love of Christ, will you please go? They're super West Siders come out. They're great ticket prices. We don't have to buy plane tickets or hotels. So they're very reasonable. How much are tickets? I think 10 or 12 bucks. Too cheap, almost. Yeah, so it's fantastic. You don't understand, Hermosa Beach is fantastic. Maybe people don't know where it is. Do you guys know where, maybe people don't know where it is? Seriously, maybe it sounds. It sounds far. It's actually where Venice Beach is, guys,

just a little bit south of that. So Santa Monica, Venice, adjacent. If you guys are in the LA county, we need you to come, please. The links are up on my side, on Christina's site. It's also on the podcast site, right? Yeah, it's everywhere, bro. Your mom'shousepodcast.com. Bro, I'll make sure to check on that, bro. I need to pause for a sincere moment and thank everybody who has watched this special on Netflix. If you haven't yet watched it, please check it out. It's called Completely Normal. It's been out for a day. It's been out for a day. Where's your recorder? In Minneapolis. Completely Normal. At Acme? No, no, I did it at a theater, a good ale theater. Somebody's Comedy CD is number one on iTunes today. It's number one on iTunes today. Yeah,

I'm excited about it. So if you get a chance to watch the special on Netflix and you like it, please rate it and review it as such. Five stars. Five stars, if you love it. It gets pushed to the front and other people will be able to see it. Yeah, yeah. So if you like it, please let them know. And here's another thing. If you listen to this show and the one thing that we work so hard to do is our stand-up stuff. Obviously, it's the whole thing. Please consider getting the album because it tremendously helps me. It's a way to support this show, support me. It's easier to play for your friends too. If you're into it, if you're a fan that's into whatever, you can be like, oh, listen to this. It's harder to get them to sit and watch

this special. And I did something on purpose with the album. What? Is that, well, I did White Girls with Cornrows a couple of years ago. And then when this special came up, I realized that when you have an album, album sales are nothing compared to a special, as far as eyeballs, ears on it. So I had like 12, 15 minutes of material that I liked from White Girls that I wanted to be able to show. So I did it on the special, but I had them cut that out of the album. Does that make sense? So it wouldn't be repeated on an album. Exactly. So did you just do the album from the same shows? It's the exact same thing as the hour special, minus those bits. So you don't, you don't, that way I feel like I'm not reselling you a bit. And the album is still

58 minutes long. So it's not like, how long did you do on stage? 73. Nice. So if you get the album, you're getting, and you have other albums, it's completely new. That's nice. That was big to me. I mean, I wanted that. Yeah, there's a lot of people who just listen to albums. Yeah. So if they, if, if you just buy albums, you're hearing all new material. Fuck yeah. What's it called? Comic. Completely normal. Completely normal. Yeah. How much do you love my husband? All right, let's just talk about it. How funny is my husband? He's very, very funny. You're one of the best comics in the world. He really is. Yeah. Thanks guys. Consistently putting on stuff. When was White Girls with cornrows? 2012. Okay. That's two years.

And then one before was 2010. Okay. That's great. How long, how long, uh, how long, when did you record it? Which, which one? This last one. I recorded it in November. Okay. It's coming out with another album at the end of this month. You are? Yeah. I have a new one. What's that one? It's called, what's this smell like? What is that? It's just me farting into a microphone. Oh, there's not another album. Okay. I was like, what? That would be a great album. Do you know who really actually does it at an alarming crazy? Who? I mean, everybody knows how good he is. It's not, it's not a surprise, but burr. Yeah. So with him, I was in the car one time and I was just like picking his brain about it. And then he's like, yeah, I got this new hour and then I

got another hour. And I was like, hold on. Did you just say you have a new hour and another hour? He was like, yeah, I got an hour about this and then I got another hour about, it was like another topic and I just, I haven't done anything with that yet. And I was like, I haven't done anything with it yet. How do you work that out? Yeah. And then he, and then he turns over the stuff and like, you know, like I have right now when I go out on the road, I have new material that I, that's not from the special, but I also, I don't have a new hour. No, no. I have like a new, I don't know, 20 minutes or so. Now the next time you go on the road, it's going to be tough because you're going to have somebody who's like, I saw 30% of this. Yes. Well, but that's just the

way it is. And also fans sometimes like to hear the classics that let you hear the hits. That's something I never, ever suspected until it actually Pandora. Pandora is crazy with how much, you know, they play your stuff. And then now people come to shows and they go, I was hoping you were going to do whatever bit and you're like, well, I'm sorry to disappoint you. I'll do my hour and then be like, okay, guys, tell you what, um, if there's anything you like, I haven't been here or like in Denver, I missed the whole last hour. Like I just didn't play that hour there at all. So I was like, if there's anything you want, if there's any fans that saw the special, you want to hear one, let me know. Really? Yeah. And then so that was just extra.

So I got like yelled out immediately and I was like, okay. Now I, um, I got your special last year, which I love by the way, passive aggressive. They chill, chill. All right. No, you're saying it right. The first time they chill.com went away though, right? They folded, but can people still get it? Not right now. No shit. Yeah. That's pretty good. It was great though. It looks great. You were funny. Everything. Yeah. I'm talking to Comedy Central and Netflix and try to figure out a place for it to stream it. Yeah. Otherwise just, I'll just kind of like stream it, but you are, you are talking to them. Yeah. Good. Yeah. We'll see. I'm just happy with it. So I don't want to not have it out. More importantly, Ari, we've been discussing stuff

on the show. Uh, this is a huge debate between our listeners, whether or not I don't think most people do this. You wipe up. Ari was telling us that anytime he tweets, mentioned, alludes to a shit or a fart. People type like, ah, Tom and Christina, you got it. They'll say some term like we created farts and shit. Oh, that's a backwards baby. I'm like, what's a backwards band? Oh my God. Well, it's funny you mentioned Brown. This is a kid. This is like Brown's cousin. Do you manipulate and play with the pitch of your farts? In other words, do you do anything physical to make your fart pitch go up or down? Um, I have before not to make it go up or down, but, but like it is resulted in that. If you, you know, but it's not intentional. It's not

intentional, but results in pitch. Do you ever manipulate your cheeks? Do anything? Yeah. I mean, uh, movement. Yeah. There's sometimes, especially if I'm going to fart around someone else. Yes. Then obviously as a gift to show them, I can do something for you. You have aggressive, like I'm, we're all hanging out at the comedy store once just during the day and, um, you know, I'm on a couch just like this. Let's sit down and I'd have to like, you can't just fart if I put one up to the side to let it out or I took both legs up. The baby. That's a great move to call attention yourself. Problem with that one is results in a very wet fart very easily. Wow. Wait a minute though. Wait a minute before we

move on. It's called change my dye dye because when you pull both legs back, yeah. What you're saying is the danger of manipulating farts is that maybe Brown comes out. Is that what you're saying, Ari? When you play God, there are repercussions. Thank you. Thank you. That's what I've been saying. Absolutely. Absolutely. We've never phrased it that way, but I think that's a very astute observation. Careful about playing God. Careful when you play God, everybody. And I can't agree more. And that's, that's my, that's my reservation with manipulating the pitch of your farts. Sometimes I will go in and separate the cheeks so that it makes no sound. Brazen, brazen. But what somebody told us is that you can also put a kazoo in the end of it. Fart in the shower

with the water stream going through your crack and you get a whole new sound effect. Like wet but not hot. Yeah. It's like a duck quack or like, or somebody told us they cup water in their hand and fart into the, into that cup water. What do you think of that? Whole new sound came out. Have you ever smelled your hand right after you farted on it? Obviously, both have. Yeah. Have you ever done this? Farted in a bath, but kept the fart, like the, the air in a, in a pocket of your hand. No. I tried that once. I kept it in a pocket. I kind of hold there for a minute or two and then released it, smelled, and it's still smelling. It's still smelling. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Now let me ask you this. Have you ever farted into a film

container, like those old school black containers with a gray cover? Like Scooby-Doo and I released it later, like a yell. Yeah. You have. You're like, don't scream though. Here, scream into this bottle and you, and you cork it up and the cork comes off. Yes. No, I said that's the first person I met that's ever done that. Yeah. I think I must have done it. I don't know about an actual film case, maybe, maybe a weed box. Okay. But it does hold, it does hold the smell and a lot of people don't know that. They don't know that and you can send it to your friend, right? Wait, can I ask you something? And okay. What if this is the line that I won't talk about? This is it. I don't have that chlamydia. Yeah, go for it. Okay. I don't want to talk about my farts. Let me ask you,

do you fart in front of girlfriends? No. Never. No. Even, even like, I mean, it's been a while it's about a girlfriend. But like a year, a year into it with you in front of her? Come on. I mean, unless I'm really trying to make a joke to them, like we're outside walking and they, maybe it's for someone else's benefit. This is interesting to me. Yeah, wait a minute. Is this because you're like, you know, I see but this person, I want them to find me sexually attractive. Is that why? No, I think it comes in the same place of when you just pay for a woman, like when you're going out to eat, you pay. It's not, it's just like, I don't know, it's what you're supposed to do. I was raised on network television, you know, so like you just

don't, you don't fart in front of a woman. Cause I see you as, I imagine you as a bit of a savage. You know, that's my, my ideal of you is a little bit of a derelict, but you don't fart in front of these women. It's really interesting to me. Yeah, no. I don't know. Is that surprising? It's blowing my mind. Really? I don't know if I can wrap my head around this. Wow. Who was that? Who was that? That looks not sound like the guy, there was all these, in Amsterdam, all these hookers in store windows, but they had this one guy who's the dude in a bikini and he had a giant cock. Like, you know, they were trying to cover up like a regular big dude. This guy is, uh, he's just known for his farts. Have you ever farted real big right before

you got out of the car? Yes. And then you come back and then it still smells worse. This was a whole episode a couple of weeks ago. This happened at, I went into Nordy's to return. Yeah. And I had just, I farted right before I got out of the car, went in there and returned. I did a photo thing earlier. So I bought a bunch of clothes in case I had, you know, whatever, keep the labels on, return later, farted, shut the door, go in, make the return. I mean, that's a whole process. Hey, can I find somebody to help me, you know, sign, do I need to give you the car? You know, I don't know, 10 minutes or whatever. Come back to the car. It was like, it was like when I went in the car, I was going face first into someone's asshole. It was so strong. Now, Ari, let's talk about this.

Do you love the wiki? So you don't fart in front of, what's the longest relationship you've had? Oh, I thought you were saying what's the longest you've farted? No. That is 47 seconds. And that was trying to like hold it back. What's the longest relationship I've ever had? Yeah. Probably three or four years. So in the course of three or four years, you had to rip. What did you do? Let's say, let's say you guys come back from Mexico. I don't remember ever farting in front of a valley. You've got third world diarrhea. Do you admit to diarrhea? I will say, I got to go to the, I don't even like the shit when they're in the house. Wow.

And this is even after you're comfortable together. Yeah. Or like, like, I'll be, I don't want to hear the noises that come out. That's accentuated by the toilet bowl. Let's talk about it. You know, it sounds like Tom sounds like he's dying every time he goes to the bathroom. Come on. It sounds like we have to go to the hospital. Cause the noises? Oh, it's horrific. Vocal noises or shit noises? No, shit. It's, it's tremendous. Yeah. That's me. So, Ari, you've got to take a third world dump. You come back from Mexico and then what do you say? What do you do? You should know this. I used to have a problem about not shitting. I've been holding it for a long time. Oh, this is also my wheelhouse. So that might be the reason

why I don't like to shit when people are around. I think I was rather embarrassed or didn't want to do the errand. Didn't want to have to go and sit down. The actual going through with it. And then when it became like a thing of like, I've been shitting two days, let me, oh, hold on. Wait, did you have, did you have the urge to go? Yeah. And I'm like, let me just hold it in. Cause now I don't want to do it. And now it's been three days and now it's going to be even more of a process. And I would go a week sometimes. Wait, well, this is so classic for you. So what happened to you when you're youth? I would ruin underwear because the turtle would come out, you know, and you wouldn't let it out. Would your mother shame you? No, she didn't really know

about it until eventually she did. A doctor had to reach up in there, put a glove on and really reach up in there and he couldn't get in right away. It's like, it's very compacted in there. Remember when Superman squeezed that, um, squeezed the coal and made a diamond? Fecal impaction. Yeah. I got it real hard. This is really, wait, is this what led to your hemorrhoids and stuff? Almost definitely. Now that you mention that, yeah, I couldn't see another reason. Cause we get jagged in there. We get jagged and hard. What age did this start at? Did not shitting. Yeah. I'm talking, I'm taking like 10, 11. So wait a minute, but what, what, all through high school? Through high school. Oh yeah.

Did it, did it continue at all into your adult life? Yes. I don't shit nearly as much. I should have every few days now. So then what happened at 10, something had to have happened where, what happened where you felt ashamed to shit? There have to, something has to have happened at this time. It was just like, I don't know if it was ashamed. I mean, I was shitting and then I saw my mom cheating on my dad one time. There you go. There you go. But that couldn't have been it. No, no, I didn't. I mean, has somebody, you thought you had a real breakthrough I knew it. But I mean, it's so coral. It has to be correlated to trauma. I don't know if it's trauma. I think I just didn't want to do it. And then it just got worse and worse and worse.

Kind of like when you eat those seat cushions, those people that are different. It just starts from somewhere. I eat mattresses. I like to eat my mattress. Do you really? No. But why, what about shitting is so offensive to you that you wouldn't honor the urge? Yeah, it's horrific. It's a process. You just sit down and like, excuse me. And then it's also these smells and these sounds and it's just like an embarrassing thing. So it's like, I don't want to, I just don't want to do it. Now Freddie Soto taught me the joy of smoking a cigarette on the toilet. There you go. Which that made it nicer. So even now you said you don't go every day. Just don't have the urge. Oh, really? Do you hold it or you don't hold it? Don't hold it. No, if I do have to go though,

even if I get diarrhea, I'm way better at holding it. Yeah, you can hold it. You train yourself. Yeah. I gotta go once or twice ever where I'm like, I gotta go right now. But like, you don't have like a morning tug. I remember my uncle saying that. Don't drink caffeine. I remember my uncle saying that saying like, no, you should have a regular time every day. Yeah. And I was like, a regular time. What are you talking about? It's fucking Wednesday and then the next one's next Tuesday. How do you feel about masturbation? Because usually those two love it. So you're not, you're not afraid. I was doing that before anything came out. Okay. We did a very special Ari Shafir skeptic tank called Going Blind about

just about because I'm a, I'm a, I consider myself a real. A masturbateur. Yeah. Your varsity level. I mean, the thing was I started so, so young without no, like it's like saying like, like discovering that you like something before you know what it's called. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that was, that was you too. Yeah. And then we found out what it was and we're like, Oh, why should be embarrassed about this? Oh, right. Yeah. No, I didn't know. So now why, then why the shame about you just jerk the clit ever? About brown. Oh, um, like why, but why the shame about, I know. So aggressive. I don't know if it's shame. Obviously. It's something tied to your inability to accept your

brown. What about the errand? Like the ability of laziness just don't want to do errands. I mean, a lot of times don't pay my credit card bills on time. No, wait, no, just because it's like, you don't like the physical act, everything involved with the shit. He's repulsed by it. When you jerk, jerk it. Yeah, I shit then obviously, but not, but not. But when you jerk it, do you feel grossed out by the cleanup? Are you like, fuck, are you, are you one of the guys that's irritated by the cleanup? Not since I discovered the sock. Sock is what you do? Yeah, then it's, there's no cleanup. So you go right into the sock. It's less than even a condom taking off. Yeah. It's less than an effort, even that. But there is some level of repulsion to your,

your body fluids. I mean, here you are. No, I'm not repulsed by my jizz at all. But you just into a sock that you don't have to clean it up. Why is there a repulsion though? That's not a welcoming. I mean, I wipe off my counters when I'm done cooking, but I'm not repulsed by it. I just like, let's keep this clean. Those aren't your juices. Have you ever ejaculated onto your own body and then wiped? Well, I think everyone's a little embarrassed by their fluids. If you sneeze and get some sort of hanger, you know, I'm embarrassed. I'll probably clean it up. No, if you're, if you're an airplane or airport, everyone's watching strangers are watching you. You're not like, oh, shit. No, you've seen me pick my nose in public repeatedly. Yeah,

you're a real animal with that. You have to discourage me from doing it. All I can picture when Ari talks about not shitting for days. Yeah. The French champagne has always been celebrated for its excellence. That's what I keep hearing in my head. Really? Yeah. I don't know why. I picture Orson seeing him shit as it finally comes out. Then Orson's like, because it's been days. I used to have to pray because it was so jagged and tough and big. So it's just, it would push my fucking sphincter wide out and it would hurt so much. I would pray to God, please God, I'll be better. Just help me through this. But don't you find it interesting though that he would go through that and then repeat the behavior because I don't want next.

I don't want to shit again. It's going to hurt next time too, but God's given it off, but God gives you those tugs so that you honor the tugs initially. Right. You know, yeah. Once I discovered a spoon, I realized that it wasn't even a problem with the jaggedness. You spooned at your poop. Your poop. No, you did not. Yes, I would know you or I'd reach up and try to pull off chunks. Are you being serious? I'm being serious. Probably pull off chunks. What's so bad about sitting down just like, I got other things to do. I want to watch TV. You can watch TV on John. Well, we didn't have that capability. That's true. That's true. Ari, this is so intense. What about suppositories? Did you ever use a suppository? What is that? It's like a little pellet and you,

it's like a glycerin or something. And then you shove it up your butt hole and then it helps facilitate going. I took an animal once. My mom, after the doctor, she makes it. She was like, you got to take it out. You got to get rid of all this. Yeah. He wanted me to eat non-binding foods. I think he discovered when I had the hemorrhoid, which is like 11th grade. But I eat a lot of rice or don't eat any rice, I forget. But then, yeah, he was like, take this enema. My mom made me downstairs. You have to all fours with your ass way up in the air. Watch me squeeze it all in there. I'm like, I got a shit. She goes, wait, you got to wait on it. Yeah. You got to wait. I had the suppositories. Really? Well, mine was like when I was... It's

like Drano. It just comes out. Mine was that little pill. This was because I was six or seven, not because I was holding it. I just had trouble going at that age. And so they would have to give them to me and then I'd shit out like a fucking two foot log. They're very effective. Oh, you would have still have logs. Oh, that was the things that I needed to go, but I wasn't going. I was like constipated. So they were, my dad would like, you know, hit me and pull me. He would choke you into the shit. He would feel very bad. Now, I mean, this is like classic. I mean, you must have had some kind of latent developmental problems in your anal phase. Most children are... What's the anal phase? Maybe.

Okay. So Freud says you go through the anal phase where babies, I think around two years old or so, they enjoy playing with their anuses. They enjoy their feces. They enjoy the process of their assholes. And if your parent shamed you at that time, someone comes around and goes, Oh, you're not supposed to enjoy your anus. You're not supposed to like your feces. You can become you know, some weird thing. Yes. This is one of the reasons I don't want kids, because let's just say you have, but you can do all your best to take all the classes. And if your kid is just shitting, you know, let's say you guys have a child, Christina, you're taking him to shit. He's shitting. He's so proud of himself. And Tommy is watching

college football in the other room. Don't interrupt. Right. So you're like it's fourth quarter. I'll just take him. Right. And then you're watching the game and then all of a sudden somebody does something bad. Whatever. Who do you root for? Florida? State. The Seaman Holes. What? Seminoles. Okay. Florida State. They do something bad. You go, Motherfucker. God damn it. Guess what? Your kid is never shitting normal again for the rest of his life. Right. Because he hears that from the other room. Right. Too much of a risk. Forget that. So what was... So maybe somebody shamed me without realizing it. I don't know, but I don't remember any like... It could be an advert. So you were like,

and they're like, Motherfucker. How does your mother feel about Brown? I think she's okay with it. I mean, we never really talked about it. I just, I'm surprised. I mean that... We were a conservative family. That's why. There you go. But my brothers and sisters don't have that problem. Well, then maybe they've manifested it somewhere else in their life. I shit in the shoulders of this yard once, this other family. They couldn't make it home. Like when it did get too much, it would get too much. Really? And I was holding it and holding it. I was walking back from synagogue, which was like two blocks, one lawn block, one short block, and then a house. So that's it. That's where it was.

And I walked down the short block, then a little bit down the lawn block. I couldn't. I did this cross legged thing and I saw the shoulders house and they had bushes on the side. You took a monster shit, I bet. Yeah. I thought I was just going to blame it on like a dog did it, but dogs don't make locks like this. You heard Diaz's story about shitting in the yard. He shit at his old... His own place. His own place. But I guess it's like a shared complex. And he did it because he locked himself out and he couldn't get in. He was trying to get in through the window. And then he had to shit so bad that he just went up near the wall. Like there's like a concrete wall and he shit. He said he shit like the biggest in his life. And then he snuck into

his house through the window. Like he didn't have keys to the house. He snuck in, the cats are meowing and he starts to fuck off. And he said he goes upstairs. He like cleans himself off. His wife gets home. She's talking and then she hears the neighbors like screams and then the neighbor tells his wife, there's a bear shit here. And then he plays it off. He's like, I don't know. We got to kill that bear. We got to get that bear. Yeah. Yeah. When Diaz has this shit, he just goes. There's no waiting for him. Let's just do this. Well, of course. Yeah. Mike Black, would we ever eat at like Fred 69, Fred 62, whatever? Fred 62, yeah. We're like, all right, let's all leave. He would like, excuse me for a second. Just go shit immediately after a meal.

Shit. Mike Black was like, you can take a good shit. Uh-huh. Yeah. But he'd be outside before we even finish our cigarettes. And then who did Diaz, Diaz shit in somebody else's yard where they, yeah, they drove over his shit with their tires and they got mad at him for a while. Yeah. Mike Faverman, maybe? Oh, yeah, I can see that totally. Yeah, Faverman's a funny comic, but he wouldn't get upset about things like that. He's like, you fucking shit in my yard. Oh, not because they drove over in their car. Yeah. Well, yeah, no, I don't know. I don't know actually now which one it is, but it was one of those two. It was either it was in the yard or they'd gone on the tires. But he was mad about it.

He was mad about it. Yeah, I could see that. Yeah. Well, human feces sticks to everything. Why should I be embarrassed about it? I'm not, I'm not saying you should be. I'm saying you are. Oh, right. I think you are. And I think on someone conscious level, you have shame about Brown. Otherwise, you would heed the call. Maybe. Yeah. Most definitely. But I look looking at my shits afterwards. Do you look at them? Oh, yeah. Good for you. Are they bloody? Sometimes. Darker, darker. Red Band and I had this theory because I was like, uh, my, I was shit a bunch of like just poured it into the, you ever wipe, you're like, oh, it still feels wet. Then you're like, oh, it's all blood. That's all blood. Oh, no, no, no, no, no,

no blood. Oh, really? I've never gone. Oh, that's all blood. I mean, after you shit a couple times and throw it in the toilet, but then you like, why is it still come? Have you ever heard Red Band's brother? We found him like a week. Brother? Yeah. No, let's hear him. Dude, you got the best barrels ever, dude. Just like you pull in and you just get spit right out of them and you just drop in and just smack the lip, hop, drop down. And then after that, he's dropping. Just ride the barrel and get pitted. So pitted like that. We told him last week that we found, he's like, you find my brother. And then he's like, I don't have a brother. I'm like, so why did you think? Yeah. Why are you like, thank you for finding him? And then he's like, how's that my brother? I was like, because

he's fucking retarded like you. The first couple of words sounded exactly like you. Right? Yeah. Yeah, but I got blood. Oh, so we had this theory that has something to do with the moon or something because he was like, I was bloody too yesterday. I'm like, maybe you're synced up. So we tried to try like, like text each other when we had a bloody shit and then look at the moon and see where it was. No correlation. No correlation. Well, you know, are you still, how are your barrel movements today? Are we still doing it every few days? Yeah. Yeah. I think I shit. Maybe today would you, but I'm shooting again. Do you think that maybe just increasing like a fun, like having a fiber, you know, tell or yeah, I ate a lot of salads for a while. Then I should a lot more. There you go.

There you go. But I try eating only meat for a week once negative. It didn't shit at all. After day three, I just didn't shit at all. You know, just increasing a bunch of water will make you. Because that's what makes it hard. Why would I want to shit? Oh, jeez. Here we go. It's the chicken. But you need to shit every day. You must. Why? You want colon cancer? Because you're a commoner. You're going to get a rectal colon cancer. There is a, are you saying that there's a scientific link between not shitting so much and colon cancer? Most definitely. Are you making that up? Absolutely. Yes. Most definitely. It is correlated to diet to some extent. Now you, how about coffee? Have you drank it? Why?

Why is that? Have you tried it? Never liked the taste when I was little. I didn't understand why I would get into it later. And then I saw my friends be clearly addicted to it. And they got to try coffee. I'm like, what are you talking about? You're, you're, you have a problem. You don't, you do drink coffee or you don't? You won't. Oh, it's so funny. It makes you shit immediately. Yeah. You got to do a regimen of every morning. Morning coffee. Espresso. Shit. I read a, a, a article, a paper that my TA wrote about Pulp Fiction when I was in film class and college. And he said it's all about shitting. Yeah. Pulp Fiction. Yeah. Pulp Fiction. The whole thing. Everyone's drinking coffee all the time. Everyone's reading shit, like Pulpy Fiction type stuff

that you're supposed to read on the, it goes, the entire movie was just, it's just one of these stories that you're supposed to read on the, on the shitter. And there's anal rape in the movie. Tons of, it's all like scatological. That was his whole paper. And I was like, this is amazing. It's such a brilliant film. No wonder I love it so much. It's really fantastic. Yeah. No wonder you love it so much. You forget about how good, sometimes you forget about how good a movie, like if you don't watch it for a long time. He makes good movies. I love his movies. Yeah, but that one was one of the best. Yes, it is. It's definitely. That Pulp Fiction. It's one of the best movies of all time.

Reservoir Dogs. I watch a million times in college. I love, I love Inglourious Basterds. Yeah. That's a fantastic movie. I mean, it's like a fantasy fun. When they started, like, when I was like, all right, cause it's like a historical movie. So like, oh, how does Hitler get out of this? I don't know. And when they start just fucking fire it into the crowd, just shooting everyone who's not dying by the fire, I was like, oh, you're changing history. Yeah. Yeah. I really just lost my breath. I was like, this guy's amazing. It's so awesome. And that's the thing is that like when people take, people took Django more seriously. I was like, yeah, but it's a, it's a, it's not, it's not supposed to be historically accurate. It's a

fantasy. It's a fantasy. I didn't like Django as much. I don't like it as much, but I thought it was a good movie. We think we know why. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking this guy. But he was an empowered character or the black guy at the end. He becomes a good motherfucking night. That reminds me. Oh, we have a call to make. We still have a little time. We have time for that call to make on air. Yeah, but it's not for a while. It's not for a while. It's for eight. It's a eight PM, right? Hurt time. Hurt time. Right. So we still have a while. It's the call to make on air. You'll see. You'll see. Okay. Fair enough. We, all right. We got to wrap this up. Do you get a lot of hate mail for amazing racists? I used to. I mean, especially you get like

incredible ones. Oh, a comment like on the videos, but I used to get phone messages, phone messages. Yeah. How? I mean, this is early internet. So they could get your phone number. It was when Google was just starting. So if you Google my name, the first thing that come up was Duncan Trussell built a website. He had a website early on artistic, artisticterrorist.com, artisticterrorism.com. And he put out is like, if anybody crank calls my friend Ari Shafir and records it best one, I'll send 20 bucks to the best one. And so when you Google my name, as soon as those amazing racists came out, that was the first thing that came up was my name and number. That's right there. You don't have to click on it. So I would get all these phone calls

saying, I'm going to kill you. I'll build a deck in your ass. And I realized they weren't going to do anything on my space. I got a shit done. I started taunting them back. You did. Yeah. That's so great. I'm like, well, my tour schedule is right on my, my my space. So you can just find me. I'll see you there. If you care to be worth a $200 ticket, wouldn't it? Yeah. Fantastic. I wouldn't do anything. That's my fear. Um, what? Go to have somebody like be really offended by your shit and show up and fucking gun you down at a show. People are like, aren't you upset about that? I'm like, literally millions of people laughed. Yeah. Why would I be upset about it? Take some one crazy person. I got already got a crazy guy. I had to, I had to what on my Facebook about what

fan page about my special always racist. No, he was just like, you're the worst person. You're a horrible person. So I think he left like 15 same person. Yeah, that happens. It happens. It's fun. It's like, all right, interpret it that way. It's okay. Um, all right. We got to run, uh, Ari Shafir. Go to, is it Ari the great? Ari the great.com for all my tour dates and your Twitter handle Ari Shafir. Ari Shafir. And uh, yeah, my skeptic tank podcast is out. Go listen to the time. Yeah, it's fantastic. It's fantastic. Pazitsky one, crazy train. Um, jeans. Anything? I love you guys. Thanks for listening. Are you guys coming Friday? Hermosa beach? You should fucking do it. We'll be there Thursday. We'll see you, uh, San Francisco.

Why don't you call each other jeans? Just wear the jeans. We wear the jeans. We wear them the highest. Oh, you'll get it. I do. I already got it when I said it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's not bad. Not bad at all. Not bad at all.