Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Brian Simpson Almost Died | Your Mom's House Ep. 852

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

_The End_ is Ari's new storytelling show! It's almost here! Premieres April 16 on https://theend.ymhstudios.com/. Presale pricing only available for a short time! You get 7 full, hour long episodes of completely unfiltered stories for $24.99. SPONSORS: - Text YMH to 64000 to get a FREE pocket pivot and their 10-pattern sprayer with the purchase of ANY size Copper Head hose. Message and data rates may apply. - Head to https://factormeals.com/ymh50off and use code ymh50off to get 50 percent off and free breakfast for a year. This week, Tom’s away, so Christina P calls in Brian Simpson, who after an appropriately timed "I'm having chest pains" drop, immediately reveals he almost died last month. What follows is a hilarious and horrifying breakdown of Brian’s heart attack on the road in Atlanta, and the odyssey of ICU insanity, sexy nurses, fried chicken in the cardiac unit, missing meds, CVS incompetence, and the always awful VA. Once they’re done unpacking death, survival, and why Americans are apparently supposed to just die quietly, Christina and Brian swerve into Justin Timberlake’s DUI arrest, Dolly Parton’s tits, looksmaxxing, TikTok freaks, adult summer camp psychos, horny grannies, gay blacks, and the fart BIG WORD lady trying to explain herself on The Breakfast Club. Grab your Life Alert and enjoy! Your Mom’s House Ep. 852 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinap.com/ https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:41 - Opening Clip: I'm Having Chest Pain 00:03:22 - Brian Simpson Almost Died 00:11:22 - Getting To The Hospital 00:22:13 - The Wacky American Healthcare System 00:33:06 - New Lease On Life 00:37:40 - Gay Black Guy Stuff 00:40:13 - Horny Granny 00:42:20 - Justin Timberlake Arrest Footage 00:45:42 - Dolly Parton's Funbags 00:51:27 - TikToks 01:04:51 - The Fart Slur Lady Apologizes 01:10:41 - More White People Shit 01:16:46 - Closing Song - "Chest Pain" by MANOLO Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. This time of year, the school calendar really starts to fill up, spring activities, testing season, and that final push toward the end of the year. It's a great moment for kids to stay focused and build confidence in what they're learning. That's where IXL comes in. IXL is an award-winning online learning platform that helps kids truly understand their schoolwork, from math and reading to writing and science. It's designed for pre-K through 12th grade, with personalized interactive content. that adapts to each child's level and pace. I-Xcel makes it easy to stay on track with instant feedback and clear explanations, skills organized by grade level, and simple progress tracking.

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Thank you for joining us today. Tim is out on official show business, but I've got a pretty fucking great co-host today. Please put your hands together for Brian Simpson, everybody. That's right. I love you so much. I have arrived. Yeah, thank you for coming here.

Of course. You've had quite a harrowing time and you're here. Yeah. I almost died last month. Hold on, let's start the show. And I'll do this. 24 hour emergency medical response service.

Watch, you just test this button and speak into the air and... I'm having chest pain! Oh shit, hold on. Oh, shit. Don't bring in one to this. your mom's house. Stupid. With Tom Shigura.

Oh, that was perfect. Christina Pizzi. Welcome to your mom's house. I don't know. Let me put that together. Needs a raise. I know. Listen, before we get into it, I want to plug some dates.

Believe it or not, Mommy is doing very, very, very limited runs. I'm doing Irving, Texas Punchline, April 24th and 25th. And then Denver at the comedy vex comedy works. Yes, it does. Comedy and Prayer. May 14th through May 16th. And then Chicago at the Den Theatat. Tickets at Christina P.com.

Oh, also, bros, I'm doing April 10th and 11 at Mothership here in Tejas. So if you're a local, get that shit now. Brian, do you have any shit you want to plug before you go on? Yeah, yeah. I'm doing Eugene Oregon, April 10th and 11th. Yeah, Eugene Oregon at Olson's Run comedy. Club and then the port in Baltimore, Maryland, April 16, 17th, and then San Jose on the 23rd of California. Tickets at Brian Simpson Comedy.com.

That's the San Jose Improv? Yeah. That's the best. Oh, also, buy my lipstick. I'm wearing cuts you up, the liquid lipstick, ChristinaP.com for all your lipstick needs. Get the perfect red, the perfect four of my liquid stuff, my cheeks, everything, everything, okay. But most important.

That's never that's that's that's etched into your mom's house lower right now. Yeah, that one that one's an oldy but goody. Touch me through the fence. That's right up there. It would touch me through the fence. So what the fuck, man? You, you've had a near-death experience. Like, this happened like a month ago.

Yeah, like I had a blood clot and it clogged my artery. I had a heart attack in Atlanta. I was on the road. Bro. In my hotel by myself. Bro. Oh, okay, walk me. I haven't asked you the details because I wanted to exploit them on the show.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'd rather make money talking about it in public and same with you. Yeah, I'm right there with you. But I did see you in the green room and I'm glad you're back. Yeah. Okay, so fucking, okay, so walk me through like every minute of this. Yeah, well, in actuality, it is something that it had been happening before this. So it's like, like me five days before.

I thought I just had real bad, a heartburn or whatever. Heartburn. Yeah, like indigestion or something. And it just hurt real bad, but then it went away. It lasted like a minute and a half and it went away. So I went to sleep. And then that was like a Saturday. And then it happened again on Monday.

And then Tuesday, I flew to Atlanta. And then I did a podcast. I did the 85 South podcast. And right before I walked in there to do the pod, like it happened again. and I was like, please, no, no, no, no, no. But then it was fine. But the first time that something was off was like, because during that whole thing, I was like slow.

I was like missing jokes. You know what I mean? Your brain was foggy? Yeah, yeah, I was just foggy. And I slept all day. So it was like, and the same thing. I slept all day the next day and I slept all day the next day and I still was just exhausted.

Which is kind of normal when you're on the road to sleep all day because you're up all night. And also you're trying to get, you know, because everybody has different travel habits or whatever. But I like to stay up all night and catch the early flight and then sleep on the plane or sleep when I get there. So I'm refreshed for the show, right? Yeah. Anyway, so it isn't abnormal to be tired and not be able to not know why. Yeah.

Yes, exactly. But then I did the show and everything was fine. I did a Thursday show and everything was fine. And then I get back to my hotel and I go to lay down and boom, it happened again. And it was How fast is it How fast is that boom? Is it like blah blah

Like just like a bloop A boop or it lasts for minutes? No It's like an inner ache Like a deep ache Like your heart is aching Yeah And

And And And I gave it a minute Because it was exactly what it was What it happened Like a few days before And for me Every single time

I had just eaten And went to go lay down So I was like I have to stop So that's why I thought It was digestion Yeah And I started

been like, oh, come up, but then it didn't go away. And then it started getting worse and worse and worse. And then I started feeling nauseous. And that's the thing. It's like chest pain is one thing, but chest pain with anything else is an emergency. What do you mean? I'm having check pain. It's an actor.

It's the best thing that's that's that guy's job. Did you say that? Did you feel like that? No, that's what I did. I said at the front desk. So my dumb ass, I was like, okay, I'm going to the house. So here's the thing, I gotta give you some back story. Yeah.

Years before, like, I might have been during the pandemic. I went to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. And I was, because I was so young, like, the nurse literally laughed at me. It was a male nurse. He laughed at me. They laughed. Because they're a fucking nurse. No.

No, they are. They're weird or shit. No, he laughed because he was like, you're not having a heart attack. And they took the readings and stuff, and they were like, you're not having a heart attack. It just, you just end up. And they gave me something for, like, acid reflux or something. But he was laughing. But they did an EKG.

Yeah, they did whatever test they do. Yeah. And he laughed. And that made me... What an asshole. That's why I didn't... That's the only reason I didn't go to the hospital when it happened, when it initially happened.

Who's this fucking asshole that laughed at him? I don't know. Fuck this guy. But, uh, but like, anyway. David. So this is probably the first time I've had to go to the emergency room, not poor. Oh, all right. So I'm used to the poor person treatment.

So I'm like, let me make sure I take my headphones. because I'm going to be sitting there for hours and hours and hours. And then I walk out of my room and I forgot my headphones. No. I get my little satchel and I got all my essentials and all that. I forgot my headphones and I go to go back in the room and I forgot my key. Oh, fuck, dude. So I'm like, you know what?

I'm just going to go down to the front desk. Get a key. Come back up. Get in my chair. But I get down. Wait, hold on. What you're thinking was I'm going to go to the hospital myself? Yeah.

I'm going to drive myself to the ER right now. No, no. I'm not going to drive myself. but I'm like, however I'm going to get there, I'm going to be waiting a lot. Yeah. You know, so I go, so I go down to the front desk to get a key, but as soon as I walk in front of these people,

I just drop to the floor. Fuck. Like the pain gets so bad that I can't even. Stop. Yeah, I'm like, and they're like, are you okay? I'm like, no, nigga, I'm not okay. Did you get to say that really? Yeah.

Did you say no N-word? Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. And because at that point, you know, decorum goes out the window when you're in enough pain. Of course. Yeah. That's why you can really tell how racist, like if I catch you in the middle of a heart attack,

I know how you really feel about everybody. You know? That is, boy, that's called the social, whatever, the social self drops, like when you're in labor, when you're about to fucking die, when you see the angels coming for you. You know what it is? It's exactly like if you're wearing like an elaborate costume.

Yeah. And you're in a lot of pain, you start taking pieces of it off. It's the same thing. You take off all the masks. I can't breathe, bitch. Yeah. I'm in struggle.

So. And you've, you've been in the military. Like, you've already, you're a tough guy. I mean, I guess.

I guess. But, but I, I, um, but the guy, the front desk guy, he calls it, it's two of them actually. And he calls,

he calls the ambulance. And the funny shit is, it was like three students type of shit. Because he, they were telling him to tell me stuff. Which I probably should just call 911 myself. But they were telling him to tell me stuff. And it was like,

but he was, also panicking, you know. Oh, because he was freaked out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because think about this guy, think about this. This guy was like on the night shift at like a holiday end express. He ain't, you know what I'm saying? He ain't built for emergencies.

Can I tell you something though? And I know you know this as a military man. Most people are not built for emergencies because they're fucking cry baby pussies. Now, if I were there, I would have handled your shit. Lickety split. because us Eastern European bitches are built for trauma.

You know what's so funny. What? I would love to see. I think the funniest thing would be if the next time I have a medical emergency you're around and you just freak the fuck out. Never.

And they show footage of you freaking out and then cut to you going, I'm Eastern European beach. Fucking bitches. Immovable objects. Welcome to the end, everybody. It's a storytelling show. Me and my comedian friends,

we're all telling true and really terrible stories. Into a toddler's face. Wild. Three summertime. Regretful. Every STD. Horrible.

I'm gonna fuck you up. And amazing stories. We just got started. I'm gonna stop the terrace. You're in trouble. That's gonna be a good night. It's gonna kill us all. Come about to be fucked.

I am. We should be in jail. Hey man, are you okay? I actually do well. You don't fucking talk to me. Okay. I'm a disciple of the Lord. Not you missed the spot.

How did I get here? How did this? happen. That's a good question. You guys ready to send the show? This time of year, the school calendar really starts to fill up, spring activities, testing season, and that final push toward the end of the year. It's a great moment for kids to stay focused and build confidence in what they're learning. That's where Iexel comes in. IXL is an award-winning online learning platform that helps kids truly understand their schoolwork, from math and reading to writing and science. It's designed for pre-K through 12th grade, with personalized interactive content that adapts to each,

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No, I, um... So this crybaby pussy calls the abulence and he's like, uh, lead down. So he calls 911 and then the funny thing is they tell him

to give me some aspirin. Oh, okay. Right? And then he hands me the aspirin and goes, take this. And I put it in my mouth and then and then I hear him go, oh, he was supposed to chew it.

Did you chew it? I'm like, no, you didn't say to chew it. It's like, it's like, it's like, like that. It's like, was that a key step? Yeah, so it dissolves in your mouth. Yeah. Right. Because it was just one of those, it was one of those weird like ADHD things where it's like, you know, whatever you do, don't cut the blue wire, but while you're cutting it.

You know, and they're like, oh, but if you cut it, don't cut the, don't put it back together while you're putting it back together. It was that kind of thing. That's the worst. And she, and, no, but then what's so dope is the guy that, the guy that, the ambulance got a showed up on the ambulance he knew exactly what the fuck he was doing. Good. You know, he was like on top of shit. It made me feel so much

better. But he was also training the motherfucker. Yeah, it was one of them situations. And the thing is, they're not allowed to tell you that you're having a heart attack. Why? I think it's like a legal thing. Because they can't diagnose it properly. Exactly. He's

not a doctor, so he can't officially diagnose you. So they got to like, they got a, oh, he knew. They all fucking know. He had to talk around it. He put some nitroglycerin on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he did all the right things. And then what irritated the fuck out of me, and this is fucked up to be,

because I don't think these hospitals are really set up. They're set up to irritate you. Yes. And so I get to the hospital. There's probably nine, ten people all around me, right? Oh, so they really, they ushered you in. Oh, yeah. You were code red.

Oh, yeah, you were in. Well, that's good. You can you kind of say anything. The secret to the ER is always get in the ambulance. Don't fucking drive yourself. And the ambulance is not as expensive as you think. Actually, it's your stay in the ER and any machines they hook you up to when they fix you. Oh, yeah.

Well, the thing is, I wasn't worried about the expense, right? Because the VA. So that's the thing. I told him, I told the ambulance I want to go to the VA hospital. Smart. Oh, good. Because it's free. Right?

And he was like, no, you don't. I was, because this was, this was a coincidence, right? I literally, I had my heart attack right up the street from like one of the top cardiac places. in the country, right? Praise Allah. He was watching out for you. He was like, you do not want to go to the VA. The VA fucking sucks.

No, God is watching out for you, Brian. So I go to, so I get to the hospital. But here's the thing. The ambulance guy, he was like, I wish I could, because like, they're not allowed to, like, be like, here's my card or whatever, but I wish I could contact this motherfucker because he literally, he got it.

He was the only person they got it. There's like 10, 11 people. He's waiting for all the people to get into the room so he can just, so he can go, okay, he goes, everybody's here. Okay, boom. And he goes, you know, we got a, he's a 43-year-old male,

he blah blah, blah. This was a situation. This was what he was presenting as. This was what he was presenting as. This was all of these things. He's from this place. He's from that place. All the questions you might have. He said it. He went to everybody got there and said all the information, right? And then he left and then five different people asked me all the same question. Yes.

The people that were standing there when he said all that shit. And I'm sitting there like, I'm so frustrated by like, how many times do I got to say this shit? Yeah. Yeah. It was like, it was very, it was like this mix of corporate and cared. It was like three or four people cared and everybody else was just like doing their job.

Yes, because you have to fucking answer the same questions every time you go to a doctor when I had breast cancer, the same fucking thing. Like you fill out the same information every time and then you get into the room and they're going to ask you the same fucking 20 questions again. I don't know what that redundancy is. What the fissat a HIPAA thing that they can't?

I don't know. Also, I'm like, motherfucker, can't we connect all that shit to this bar? code that's what I was saying. Why don't you walk in and scan, bitch, and then ask me what's missing? Literally what I said. I go, can I just carry around a thumb drive, whatever that is? And I hand it to you and all the shit you need is fucking there.

Right. Or I'm like, can't we just pretend like I'm out, like I'm out? What would you do if whatever was wrong we made me unconscious? Yeah. I'll tell you, some of these people would just walk in and ask your lifeless body the same question. So how old are you again? Where you from? What happened?

Yeah, I know. Like, it's still happening, bitch. Can you work on what's happening instead of ask me what happened? Did they hook you up to machines at least? Like, were you getting? So that's the other part. So they had to do like the emergency thing where they put a stint in, but they go through your groin. So it's not like a surgery surgery, but it's very serious.

How do they go through your groin? I don't know. Because I was kind of out of it. And I just, the last thing I remember is the doctor being very frustrated with me because I kept moving my hands. Oh, because you're, yeah, you want to protect your body. Give me, like, because it hurts so bad. And they had already given me three doses of morphine. It wasn't doing nothing.

And all I remember is the doctor being like, sir, keep your hands down. And I remember the last, my last thought was, bitch, why don't you tie my hands down? Yeah. I'm clearly involuntarily or reflexively moving my hands. Won't you do something about it? Yeah. Yeah. Like, because I kept, I was like in and out of consciousness.

And every time I came to consciousness, she was asking me to keep my hands down. Like, it was something I was doing. Like, I'm. Like if me moving my hands is going to kill me, bitch, top's down. I'm the restraint. Yeah, I know. Anyway, that's all I was thinking.

Of course, I don't know what was going on. You know, I saw that lady very briefly. And I also remember, I also remember one of the doctors going, he was like, yeah, my name's Paul and I'm going to be with you. Don't worry, I'm with you the whole time. And then I remember, I remember coming to him and being like, where the fuck is Paul? He said he was going to be here. Yeah.

The fuck is Paul. Yeah. And so. Yeah. But then after that, it was just, it was like torture. Like the ICU part was just, it was literally, I hate the ICU. I was hooked up to these, I was hooked up to a blood pressure machine that like every 15 minutes would squeeze the fuck out of my arm, like, squeaked to the point where like I couldn't sleep. Every time I got comfortable.

And if I didn't relax my arms so I could get a good reading, the alarm would go. I was hooked up, I was hooked up to 15 machines that all alarmed unnecessarily at the slightest thing. And so that's what I mean. It's like the downside to it was that if you think you're doing something to save someone's life, you can justify any behavior. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And I had to negotiate the bitch to turn the machine down to every half hour instead of every 15 minutes.

Yeah. Yeah, I know they're constantly, well, the ICU, they're monitoring you to make sure you don't just die on the spot. But what I find ironic, because I had to spend four days there when they did my breast reconstruction is that they're putting you, like you're the most vulnerable you are. And guess what? That one fucking nurse that's dealing with you is also dealing with the most

sick motherfucker next door, some contagious shit. And this guy is dying to have some other disease. So like, they put the most vulnerable people next to the other sick people that have shit that if you get that, you're dying. Like I remember when Tom was in the hospital, when he broke his

arms and legs, they put him next to the COVID unit at Cedars. I'm like, oh, cool. So I get to walk through COVID to see my fucking president. The person next to me had COVID. Yeah. And that's the most vulnerable one there. And I'm pretty sure one of my nurses had COVID.

Of course. Yeah. And it's not their fault. This system is stupid. But she comes in and she sanitizes her hands so we know we're good. Right. Yeah. Or something.

No, no. I remember one of the nurses. God. He fucked up. He fucked up like trying to get something out of my IV. Oh, no. And it came out. a little and he's not a phlebotomist

but he tried to fix it. Such a big word, phlebotomist. Those are just people that take your blood. But that you knew that? Nobody knows what a phlebotomist is. Did you guys know what that is? You didn't see? I told you everybody's fucking stupid.

I mean, if you know what a Filipino is, you know what a flobotomis is. Because they're pretty much synonymous. Oh my God, that's so true. I never put that together. Yeah, so this is what happened. This dude, fuck them out. And it got to the point where he went over to the

and grabbed a paper towel. And I got the wearer with all to be like, that's not sanitary. Not as fuck. I was like, excuse me, can you go get somebody please? And this Filipino lady who I never saw before or since

came in, you know, like it was clock, like fixed the whole situation. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And popped out. That's the thing. You get a good one. A good nurse is worth gold.

You find that one bitch that's been on that unit for like 20 years and she's like, I got you, you're fine. Let me help you. That one is worth gold. And then the fucking one retard. Here's what really sucks. His really sucks is all these nurses was fine.

All of them was hot. Really? Nines and dimes. Really? And I'm in my most vulnerable, my feet crusty, my dick in a bag. And just the hottest woman you ever seen is walking in being like, all right, let me, let's see what your balls. Okay, let me take your pulse. And it just felt extra vulnerable.

Yeah. Man. And here's what so crazy. The food they were giving me in the cardiac unit, didn't seem very heart friendly. Bro. I had fried chicken one day. That's right.

As the meal. I was going to say that. I'm like not even baked or rotisserie. No. In the heart unit. No, I know, bro. When I was in Texas here for my, all the hospital stays, they're like, do you want to order, I order a fucking, yeah, enchilada with cheese on the whole plate?

And you're like, is this? This is heart healthy brisky. But not only that, you can't get up to take a shit. So you're going to pack me full of these calories. How am I going to shit? I'm on. opioids for days. I had the hardest time.

Here's the other thing. Oh my God. This was a very high-tech place. Yeah. So instead of like a bed pan or whatever, my dick was in a bag. Oh, that's so cool. And when you piss in the bag, it like sucks it into the wall. They call that the cooter, the cooter vacuum or the cooter cover.

I forget what they call it. Yeah. And it's like, but I had a hard time, I had a hard time pissing laying down. Really? I was just like, I cannot, when can I stand up? Because they don't want you to stand up because you're on blood thinners. and you have a wound from the procedure and they don't want it to bleed.

So you can't stand up. So even though I was capable of standing, it's like they won't let you. But it was just hard for me to go like that. And they were like, do you want, do you want the catheter? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. The catheter is the worst. No, I don't want none of that shit.

But I was only in there for a few days. I got out on Super Bowl Sunday. Wait, so how many, oh, so you were there Thursday night you checked in. You were out by Sunday. I was out by Sunday. And they're also kind of like they don't, they don't really tell you what to do after I find. They're just like, have fun, player.

Exactly. No, that's when the nightmare started. Yeah. So before I leave the hospital, right, the doctor goes, they find another clot forming. No. It's something they hope it doesn't happen, but it's normal, right?

Because they just, they basically just, you know, they just put something in your artery that's going to. To keep it open. Right. So right now you have a stint in there that just keeps the blood flowing. Yeah, and it stays in there forever. It blends into your walls or whatever. I don't know.

But while it's healing, it's a possibility of a clot forming is pretty high. So she puts me on this extra medication. And the doctor walks in my room. So this is another thing. You're almost never talking to the doctor, the actual doctor that knows what they're doing. There's a head doctor and there's a bunch of like, I don't know if these motherfuckers are getting their hours or whatever. Yeah. But the head doctor walks into my room.

And she's like, she's like, I'm going to put you on. this new medication and you need, if you don't take, do you want to, she was, she said this word, she goes, do you want to,

do you want to shit yourself? Do you want to wipe your own ass? Do you want to be able to wipe your own ass? Like she's very serious. She's like, normally I don't do this, but I come across the hospital to be, so you know how fucking serious this is. You have to take this medication.

I was like, okay, okay, no. And she hands me the first dose of that, of that medication. You have to, you have to take this. Yeah. I'm like, okay, okay, I got you,

doc, no, don't trip. Was she Indian? No, she was, she was either African or Jamaica. No, that's good too. I trust that. Because those bitches study harder than anyone. Like a Nigerian woman?

Oh my God. I don't know if she was Nigeria. But one of my doctors was an African woman. And I was like, yeah, you better fucking study hard. Yeah, but they got zero bad side manner. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, it's like you need to be, you need to stay in Africa and be a doctor over there with like people want people don't care if you mean to them. I would rather have a nice doctor.

No. No, no. No. Because they're not going to lie to you. I'll tell you. The nice doctor. They bullshit you. I've had nice doctors who don't tell you straight up.

Like, hey, dude, give cancer. Like, I had a nice doctor not tell me I had cancer. And I was like, bitch, I can fucking read nonverbal cues. I know you're lying to me. And I said, don't you fucking lie to me again. Don't you lie to me. I don't want a doctor to go, eh, what? You tell me, asshole, you've got the degree.

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But you know you got to go to a regular cardiologist now. The ER trip is not in for you. Oh, right, right, right. So she adds these pills to the Cidamar I was already on. And she goes, she goes, okay, so you're going to get released this evening. You know, and it's Super Bowl Sunday. And because it's the weekend, the pharmacy and the hospital's closed. Of course.

Of course. So they give me, they send my prescription to the, CVS that's across the street. I get released at 4.45 or something like that. The CVS closes at 5 o'clock. So. Of course, it's the one place

that's the most stressful. Is that fucking, like you just had a heart attack. It's the last place you want to stress out. A CVS? Oh my God. Yeah, for sure. Especially when they, so I get over there. And keep in mind, we called the CVS to make sure because they have like an automated thing and they're like, yeah, it's in progress or whatever.

I'm like, perfect. So I get over there and they don't have my fucking meds. And I'm like, and so the guy goes, yeah, we don't, we don't take your insurance. Cool. And I go, well, I don't have insurance. I'm self-paying. You know, I didn't put down an insurance. So basically what happened is this guy assumed that because I didn't have insurance that I

couldn't afford the meds, so he just didn't make them. Yes. And I was like, sir, do you have them or not? And then he started telling me how much the most expensive ones cost. He was like, this one, this one's $500. Great. This one's $700. I was like, I was like, yes, sir.

Yeah, I don't, I still need them. Yeah, I'm going to die if I don't take it. And he goes, come back tomorrow. He's like that. I was like, well, now keep in mind, you're a pharmacist, so you know what that made this for. And you know I can't fucking come back tomorrow. You know, I need it right now.

Yeah. Right. Also, keep in mind, I'm trying to fly, I got to fly back to Texas. Fuck, dude. So lucky for me, someone, someone bent the rules, someone at the hospital bent the rules, threw me a little dose.

Yeah. Right? and I want to tell their story, but I don't want to get them in trouble. So I make it back to Texas, and the whole next day, it's just me trying to get this prescription down through the VA, which is a fucking pain in the ass. I always say the VA is a vagina with tea. It's like all the good stuff's in there somewhere, but you really got to navigate, you know? It's like Indiana Jones, you got to like pick up the bag and put down another, you know? So it's a whole pain in the ass trying to get it through the government.

So I'm like, fuck it. I use the CVS automated thing. I move the prescription from Georgia to the text, to the CBS up the street from me. I go up there to go get it. I stand in line all this time. They hook it all up. They give me all the discounts and stuff like that.

I get all the meds. It's like $200 for all the meds. I'm like, yeah, give me that, get that. I get back and I have the little list of things I'm supposed to be taking. I'm going through the list. I'm missing two of the meds. No.

Right. So I go back to the CVS and I'm like, and this is. funny too because I get there right as they're going to lunch. So they close the pharmacy. So I'm just sitting in there for an hour ruminating. I still have not taken this meds that

and all I'm hearing in my head is the doctor going do you want to wipe your own ass? Of course the panic is inside. You can give yourself another heart attack just getting them. So finally they come back from lunch and I tell the lady I bring the list because when I first went I didn't have the list. I bring the list of meds. I'm like I'm missing these two right here. And she goes oh yeah yeah yeah comes back

comes to the front and keep in mind there's like nine people working in this pharmacy for some reason. They also have a drive-through, so maybe it's a whole thing. Forget the drive-thru. I don't go through the drive-thru. So, but then she goes, well, she tries to apply the discount to these, and it doesn't apply. And these are the most expensive drugs. And she goes, well, you know, she tells me how much they cost.

She goes, well, you know, together these are like $1,200. I'm like, it's like, okay, yeah. She's like, are you sure? I'm like, yeah. And she goes, okay. And she puts it in the system and it goes back to somewhere because, like, She's not a pharmacist, right? So it goes back to the pharmacist.

Now the head pharmacist walks up to me, like the guy that consults with you. And he goes, he goes, you know these are $1,200. Oh, my God. And I'm like, yeah, I do. I do. I do, doc. I do. And so it goes back to the back where whoever's actually separating the pills.

And they go $1,200. I hear it from the back, $1,200. And it's like proliferating through the pharmacy. And I'm like, well, guys, I don't want to spend $1,000. But I also don't want to have another heart attack. And I got $1,200. Do it. Just get it out of it.

Like, yeah. It's almost like they were talking like they were used to people coming up and being like, yeah. What? $1,200 does you just kill me? Yeah. That's how for sure. And that is how some people talk.

I've heard stories of women who they're like, well, you've got cancer in this breast. Do you want to remove one or both of them? And in my mind, I'm like, take them all. Take my neighbor's tits. Take everybody's fucking tits. I don't want this again. Right. But there's people that go, well, it is a little expensive.

How much for just half a titty? Yeah. Like, what the fuck are you in there? insane. You don't have a choice. Do it. Yeah, you really don't have a choice. No. Because also, here's the thing, even if I got to go into crippling debt. You're going to fucking, yeah.

I'm just not going to pay it. That's so true. I'm just not going to pay it. You think I haven't been poor before and in debt before? That's so true. Yeah, you just got to do whatever those people have to do. That's so true. It just means you want to have

roommates and they go cosigners or whatever, but you won't have cancer. That's the point. So true. Yeah, because my criminal Indian stepdad, he became a millionaire and he filed bankruptcy three times in America because you can. You can just start over again.

People are so afraid of the shame of bankruptcy. It's like, well, you can just do that again. Yeah, for real. You're alive. I would change my last name to bankruptcy if it meant I don't have cancer. No shit, dude. Now, you cannot be poor in America

when you get sick. You cannot. Bro, it's the worst. But here's the other thing. It's so fucked up. Even if you got money, it ain't sweet. No. If you ain't got no money, it's a real struggle.

It's really like, just die. Just die. Just die. I mean, fuck. But, you know, it's all working out fine. And the truth is, I feel better than ever. Like, my mind is more clear than it's been in a long time. Really?

Yeah. I know. Because, like, I think, I mean, look, I haven't really talked about this openly. But since I had cancer, like, I have had a complete reawak. like a complete reset spiritually. I fucking like, I don't know, dude, when you, oh God, I'm gonna cry. Is that way you wearing a stick on your nose?

Well, this is a new thing I'm into. This is from a surfing accident. I went surfing and the board hit me. You went surfing like recently? Yeah, last week. I was surfing in Florida and I got a fucking the board hit me. But that's why I'm saying now. So now I'm 50 and I'm surfing because I don't give a fuck

because Lafe is short. And not only that, it forces you to look at your shadow. your dark self, the self inside of you that you're so afraid of looking at because it's so fucking painful that it will kill you if you do. And you will. If you really go deep down this rabbit hole

Brian Simpson, which I really hope you do, it's very rewarding, but it's very fucked up. And I know you and I have a lot of fucking trauma. Yeah. You know, honestly, the epiphany I had was that I realized that I wasn't, I'm not actually afraid to die. No, me neither anymore.

What I was, what scared me the most was just, was living fucked up. Like, like, all I really, what I really wanted was for the pain to go away. You know, and I was like, oh, like, but you're, but then it occurred to me where it's like, oh, you, because I said this to you in the green one, I was like, the question I was faced with was, you know, because up to that point, I was doing a lot of, like, chain smoking. And like, I was literally smoking almost two packs a day and just setting. lifestyle and just all these things. And what I really had to come to terms with was like, why don't you love yourself enough to not do this? This is what I'm,

this is the shadow work. This is what I'm talking about. Yeah, where it's like, you're laying here dying and you're not afraid to go. Like you've come to terms with that. That might be what's happening. But if you come back, are you going to keep on?

Yeah. Right? What are you going to do differently, asshole? Not you asshole. me asshole. Like when I came back from surgeries and everything, like my last surgery was just in August, right? Like I finally have tits again. I've got this new lease on life. And I was like, what am I, what are you going to do, Pajitsky?

Are you going to go back to the same existence? So wait a minute, are you saying so the cancer free didn't feel like the end of it? You didn't feel like the end of it until you had the titty's back? Well, because they mutilate your body. So in order for me to get rid of this thing, I had to have multiple surgeries. They give you double mastectomy, you have radiation. You go through all this. The treatment breaks you down.

And then that's done. And then now it's the rebuilding of your body, which has been, I mean, yeah. And now is the other part of like, who am I now? I'm a Frankenstein. And as a woman, it's tough too because you're like, what am I if I'm not my breasts that I fed my babies with? And who am I? And, you know. Good thing it wasn't like clit cancer.

I'll tell you what When I was in radiation The scariest thing was asshole cancer There are people that have fucking asshole cancer And you have to put your ass up on a table And they radiate your asshole That's the worst Anyway

You got a new lease on life Think about why you poisoned yourself This is a big thing Because we all do it We all fucking do it We all fucking do it And what are we gonna do differently From moving forward

Who are you gonna be If God gave you this lease on life you got the next what 30 40 years what are you going to do no you know the real shame of it is because earlier before the show you you were talking about did i party yesterday i was like i don't party and that's what really upset me because because this is what people don't understand is like i got friends that you know they're my age they in their 40s and they out here smoking drinking fucking you know up all night like they in their 20s and i just be at home reading gaming smoking and I'm like but I'm paying the same price.

Yeah, you're not even having fun. Yeah, you pay the same price for not having fun because the niggas is out here having too much fun. I know, it's not fair. Okay, then I'll tell you what, Brian. You're on a new path. Are you going to do some of this stuff? Now you've got a lease on life.

She was a fairy. Yeah, yeah, she was a fairy. Yeah, she was a fairy. Yeah, I'm the guy in the middle. Oh, my God. What is this? What do you mean? What is?

It's the stuff I'm into. Do you know that I'm into gay black porn now? Oh, this is my favorite team. I know you don't want to speak to me after what I said. But, you know, I've been doing some thinking and we can work things out. Baby, I guess what I'm trying to say is that. I love this apology. I'm sorry.

Aw. This is my answer. Love it. I've been doing some thinking, too. You're the best thing in my world. Oh. I don't want to keep it that way. Let's suck it.

Yeah. I love you. Oh, it's so romantic. Why is it so uncomfortable? What do you mean? What's uncomfortable? I think it's a bad acting. I don't believe.

I'm not there with you. I don't believe it. You don't believe that they really worked things through? No. But they look like twinsies. They've got matching nipple rings, matching earrings, matching bods. It's basically the same dude. Look how narcissistic.

that relationship is. It's the guy fucking himself, basically. Would you want to fuck yourself? Wait a minute. Why do you think they fucking? I didn't see no fucking. I think you're projecting. Okay. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay, maybe this will change your mind. Yeah, how much are I charge?

200 will do anything you want. Anything? Anything. Y'all kiss. Is that gay enough for you, Brian? You know what I think? Is that gay enough? Watch. Oh, that's,

sweet. Oh, buddy. That's a good way to get Mono right there. Look at his little tiny tea. You know what I've realized right now is that I don't think I should do this podcast without Tom here. This was a huge mistake. You think he wouldn't show you that stuff? I mean, I've done why I'm eight like seven times. I've never seen no gay shit. Okay, all right. I've never seen muscle-bound black gay shit. Or any, we've been playing it for Annie. He's always collected.

these clips. Yeah, no, so you haven't been here in a while. It's changed. It's like, imagine your girlfriend on this photo on your computer. He's like, Eddie, what the fuck is? It's for my work. I know. I love it.

Okay, well, okay, you want something hetero. I got it. I got it. Hold on. Tom, you deserve spanking. Wood. What do you think? Smash or pass?

Smash for sure. Yo, can we bring up some more of her stuff? Yeah, this is like, this is, this is Betty the great. Like Gandalf before he went to hell. This is Betty White before she defeated the ballrog or whatever. Hell yeah. Listen, this chick is so fired up. I think she

has an only fan's too. Really? Yeah, she's really cool. I actually really admire her. She's good looking. She's got her shit together. Did you find her, Neonah? Is that a spoon or a spatula? I think it's a spatula. Have you been, would so you would do an old person?

I think so, yeah. Okay. There she is. Linda Hope Hope Insta There she is Let's play another one For Brian

Let's get Undo that diaper With one hand Look at Yeah do the leash one Oh do the tongue one down there Why is that man on a leash My neck

My back Yes ma'am Yes ma'am Yes ma'am Yes My neck My back Okay go down to the mouth

This one's my favorite Oh no no Just watch Look Yes I'm on that website Oh, that's not appealing. Yes.

She lost me. What do you mean? This doesn't turn you on. You lost me, Ms. Linda. Oh, God. That could be you, bro. Brian. She's telling you what she likes.

Shit. You're her type, bro. Also, see, the thing is, that's not even that impressive. No, that's what I was going to say. That's half a banana. Right. Like, that's not, you ain't breaking no world records and nothing with that. No. She's not the throat goat.

No, she put like a Bert's Bees tube in her throat. Like, that's appealing. I know. No, she's posery. Yeah. Whatever. Okay, I guess you're not going to go there. Have you seen Justin Timberlake's arrest?

I have not. Okay. So. I don't pay enough attention to celebrities and shit. I know. It's usually I'm not very interested. but I did, I was very taken with this. So first of all, this was taken from a body cam of his DUI, or they call him DWI arrest.

And it's so fucking humiliating. I'm having chest bang. Okay, are you ready? Yeah. Here it is. I don't want to say that because, I mean, would you be arrested? So, for Mr. WI. He's so red.

I appreciate you, understand that we got to do it. Yeah, I appreciate you boys for doing your job. I have one martini and not. Follow my friends on. Yeah, more than one more T. He's red as fuck. Okay, here's the best part, ready? White?

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding, man. See? So you're being held for the night, and then in the morning is the uranium. So in the morning, usually around 9.30. You know how all night? Yeah, dude.

You might not be this one. You might be over at the other one, and they actually have blankets for him. Wow. Well Yeah, he was very shocked White was very shocking White? I'm just kidding

Because here's the thing I can't I can't decide if I If I love him or hate him Because you can tell he's doing the celebrity thing Of like oh my God I have to be in the thalless is not so slang Gross I can't play like Yeah but you almost fucking killed people

Having a DWI you drove drunk Clearly Okay I'll say this I already hated him so much. Why? That I, like, now I just hate him less. Why do you hate him so much? I don't know.

Because he's a cutie-pituity? That might be part of it. Yeah, he's a cutie patootie, probably. He didn't have a hard attack. He didn't have a hard attack. You feel like he didn't suffer enough, but he was in show business from the time he was little. You're right.

You're right. Because, you know what it is because I give Justin Bieber a lot of leeway because he was a little kid. And he was. Yeah. But I feel like. Allegedly. Timberlake always irritated me because

I feel like he didn't suffer enough for the Janet Jackson thing You think Jan—I think Janet got all the heat on that. I know. I agree. He didn't—one Titty ruined her career and kind of catapulted his. And then when he came back and did the Super Bowl, he didn't throw her no came to a cameo and nothing. You know what I mean?

Well, now I hate him all together. So I always felt some kind of way. And maybe he couldn't have, but I always felt some kind of way about that where it was like. He could have. You think he could have? You can do whatever the fuck you want in this life. When you're that famous, you can make shit happen.

Yeah, so I don't know. I just, and that shit was trash. It was like he had tried to pivot to like being kind of a country man in the woods, country shit. Oh, yeah, they all do country albums now. Everybody like to dabble in black shit. And then when they get popular, they like to go country. It's so true.

I don't like that shit. But this irritated. But this made him a little more endearing. Because here's the thing, they still people. So my hatred is. it's in my spirit like I ain't ever met this motherfucker you know what's so funny I was listening to um reggae music in a restaurant and it was a day you were surfing same trip yeah and um I was listening to like sister Nancy came on bum bum bum what a bum bum bum boom boom and you're like wow that's

that's like pure energy man like she's so talented and then I heard a reggae version of Dave Brubeck's Take Five. Do you know what that is? It's a jazz song. Do you do do do do it. Okay, but the point in the story is the black version was so much better. And you're like, wait a minute. It might have been the original.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying, Brian, is that you guys do it first and you do it cooler and then we just ruin it. I just imagine you having this epiphany and then your surfboard smacking you in the fucking face. That's exactly what happened. Yeah, that's good. Do you get mad that we steal all your stuff and suckify it?

No. I'm just used to it. Yeah. I'm like, it's only, yeah, if we do something dope, it's just a countdown to like when somebody take it. That's so true. Yeah. You're like, oh, was this the king of rock and roll?

I'm like, okay. Oh. I guess. Yeah, I know. Fuck her. Yeah. Except, you know, like I look. That's why I fuck with Dolly Parton.

I fuck with Dolly. Yeah. Dolly gave a lot of shit, you know. Yeah. She might be the only person where it's like, a lot of stuff just got took from her. Yeah, she wrote

yes, because then she writes songs other people covered and she's, but she's real country. I mean, she came from poverty, yeah, which I think is essential. You need to come from trauma on poverty. Yes.

Oh yeah, Dolly's still kicking. I saw her at Atlanta airport actually a few years ago walking through full makeup, full hair. I don't know, look her up. God bless, darling. She's the best. She makes good cake mix, too.

If you ever had her frosting and her, you shouldn't be eating that stuff. There she is. She's still around. She's still doing shows. She's doing casinos. Oh, wow. Damn, dude.

I remember she was famous for her titties. Fame, and those are big naturals. So this is back in the 60s, the 70s. Those are her real fucking tits. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Go back to early dolly. I'm telling you, she's a country girl.

She's got big milkers. She's got a breeding body. I'm telling you. We all do, us trash people, like when you come from, a poor trash culture. You're made to breed. That's her body. Look at those tits.

Those are real. Google, are Dolly Parton's tits real? They were at one point, maybe the first iteration. Yeah, of course, dude. You don't have big milkers like that. Implants! She got them in 1967. They were doing implants in 67?

Damn, you never thought you would come to your mom's house to get misinformation. Fuck. Here we go. You don't join You don't join I'm shuck Yeah

Yeah It sucks And how Did they even What did they put in In your body in In 1967 What would they put in there

They probably just put like Black children Black kids No It's probably like Silicon still Or like experimental So dangerous

Augmentation was Performing Oh 1895 Oh the first No, no, no, no. But what was it made of? 1895 was the first titty implants? That's wow.

See, that's how important. It says silicones in the 40s. Yeah, but what did they use in 1895? Oh, using a patient's own fatty tumor. That's what they used my belly fat to make my tits. Really? It's called the deep flap, D-I-E-P flap. And I highly recommend it if anybody has a double mastectomy, you want to do it.

It's really a good procedure. So there's no silicone in your titty. No, I did not want that. It took fat from your belly. Yes, and thankfully there is plenty. So they built some good tits. You know what's crazy, though, it says 1895, they did the fucking whatever, the back fat and the tumor shit. And then in the early of 20th century, they've used glass balls, ivory.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying wood. How they go backwards. Ground rubber. They'll just shit. They'll put anything in it in your body to look hot. It's really fucked up. Yeah. Well, that's what's so crazy about.

You heard of this cavicular guy. Wow. It's called like looks maxing. you've seen these people? I've heard of retard maxing on Instagram. No, no. Looks maxing is like these dudes are now like, you know, breaking their bones in their face and like doing all these things to like look the best.

Oh, Jesus. And it's basically just what women have been doing forever. Like just doing all this crazy torture to their bodies so they can look the best. And it's called looks maxing. And they're like talking about it like some kind of urgent thing to stop. I think that's just what. That's what chicks have been doing. I saw this clip of these two podcasting girls.

I don't even know who they are. And they were like, oh my God. It's just so brave. Like I forget what celebrity, like a Kylie Jenner. She's like, oh, my God. She said that she stopped getting her nails done. And she's like going natural. I'm like, you know how fucking brainwashed you have to be in The Matrix to be like,

I got to go put fake nails on my real nails? I got to keep doing this horrid shit. Like for who? Guys will still fuck you. Don't worry about it. They're not worried about this. Yeah, but you know what? But the line is different for everybody.

You know what I'm saying? That's true. But the guy that I'd be interested in is this is not the deal breaker. Boil your pussy. Boil your pussy. That's the new, that's the new trend. Put rubber in your breasts. Do whatever you must.

Steam your snatch. Steam your snatch. As you know, Brian Simpson, I like to highlight the marginalized communities of TikTok. Are you ready? That is what you're known for. Dude, I found some fucking straight up bangers for you. Please. I can't wait, bro.

Hit me. If you video call me one more time, dude. Off another number on WhatsApp and show me your weenie. I don't want to see your shit. Yeah. Put it away. You got a dummy. Damn, she must be being bombarded.

I know. With dick pics. I know. Neanna, are you bombarded with dick pics? No. Oh, is this you? No. No.

Oh. I'm going to say, damn, she'll be doing the shit. her makeup. She uses this shit. That's right. Christina P. Cosmetics. Look like a completely different person.

Look like a different lady. Attract the life of your dreams. Confidence. You can have it with makeup. If you said me one more. Like she was so upset by the dickpicks she didn't put her teeth in before she did the video. I know. If I get one more,

and also don't you find that what you push away persists? Her tattoo is smooth though. Yeah, I know. like those roses. You know she didn't do that. No. Like nobody from her community did that. No, that's what I thought. That's somebody with a steady hand. Did that joint.

Do you have tattoos? A couple. Yeah. Yeah. I probably shouldn't have anybody. Yeah. I guess of shit. You're not going to die anyway. We're all going to die. Exactly. Get the fucking tattoos. Who cares? All right, here's this. Imagine spending a weekend in a mansion full of joy makers. People who practice joy instead of escaping from their lives. Fucking losers.

No small talk, no pretending you're happy. Here's how you'll live differently at the only sober adult summer camp. You'll mess up publicly and get cheered instead of judged. You'll play and laugh like no one is watching. You'll try laughter yoga even though your ego hates it. You'll remember how to connect without a screen or drink. You'll make eye contact, hug, and listen in ways that I actually. actually give you energy.

Comment Joymaker if you want to take back the reins and ignite joy everywhere you go. God, dude. What is wrong with white people? Any, you know the first thing I noticed about this. Yeah. They're all white. It was no black people. Yeah, I was waiting.

I was like at least, because usually there's a token somewhere in the back there. There's no black people. No, because you, because, and I bet you black people have showed up. Right? And you walk in and go, hmm. There's a lot going on in here. You know what I mean? What part?

It's a lot going on there. What do you hate the most? This gives me the same vibes. As you know, those videos, this is another white only thing of people like, they go into the woods and scream at the trees. Yeah, they get their primal rage out. This is that. She's like, we practice in joy. We practice in joy.

Don't y'all have jobs? No, our kids? This is why regular people can't do this because we got some, you got to be at work. Who the fuck got time for? adult summer camp. Fuck off. Fuck right off. Adults don't get the summer off.

Yeah. All of these people, your husbands are paying for this. Yeah. Yeah, you don't have to, who has a summer off? To go to camp. Think about how crazy that is.

Stupid. People, yeah, people gotta work. Adult summer camp. Get fucked. Also, if you have kids, you are forced to play all the time. And it is torture.

So when you're a real fucking adult and you have an adult life with children that you are forced to be joyful with, You know what I like doing the most? Nothing. Sitting, staring, quiet. And that one grown man that was in there, shame, sir.

There was a man. Shame on you, sir. Yeah, there was an Asian man with a bald head. Asian! Yeah, run that shit back. He should be working. Go to the part where they're doing jazz hands. Oh, jazz hands.

Yeah, he's the one that did the front flip when they were like, no one's... Oh, you're asking me to do that. I'm such a fucking retard. I was like, yeah, do it, guys. She's like, no one's judging you. Fucking idiot. A mansion full of Joymakers. Joymakers.

People who practice white chicks. Instead of escaping from their lives. No dude. Look, there you go right there. There's two of them. Wait, there's two Asians. Yeah, it's two Asian dudes right in the front. I'm stupid.

I don't know how to do. Actually, I can't tell them that's a dude. Okay, let's see these idiots. A mansion. People who practice joy instead of escaping from their lives. It's right here. See that man right there? Yeah, and then keep going.

They get to the point where they talk about how you're not being judged. he does a little, he does a little, a little somersault. Oh, there's another dude right there, the white dude in the bag. Well, that's part for the course. Right, exactly. White guys with long hair do these things to get laid. The Asian guy is the anomaly, because he just should have money and success to get laid. When I meet a white dude, he's like, he's like making Cambucha in the house and shit.

I'm like, you're a r r r rind, dude. It's going to come out. It's a matter of time. I don't trust the male feminist at all. They're scumbags, dude. Anybody that's like, if you like making, if you like maintaining mead recipes and shit like that, you're not, you're not on the up and up. Of course. You're pretending to be sensitive and feminine and all this shit just to get into girls' pants.

It's a racket. The only dudes you could trust that make me are the dudes that also make swords. Like Vikings. Yeah, like blacksmiths. Like, yeah. They all in on the medieval shit. Yeah. But these dudes, nah, I'm not with it.

I'm not with it. These walnut acorn, motherfuckers? Yeah, get fucked. No, but this Asian guy, what are you doing there, sir? Go on, keep going. He does a somersault. Shut the fuck up. Imagine spending a weekend in a mansion full of joymakers.

I kill myself. Joy makers. Joymakers. Joymakers. No doom scrolling, no small dog. Oh, my God. No pretending you're happy. Look at them.

Look at them. Dude in the blue shirt. This guy. What are you doing, sir? Oh, no. And he's got the black socks on, too. Take your socks off at least if you're going to get on the kids, Matt. You fucking idiot.

Mm-mm. Ugh. Oh, that's a lot of amazing guy. You just heard his back, too. You'll play and laugh like Newark is watching. You'll play and laugh like you have children because you're supposed to be an adult and have children. Yeah, bro. You don't get to stay the kid forever, you dummy.

That's a room full of unwieldy bushes right there. Oh, for sure. It smells like shit. Like, Pachuli and pussy juice and. ball sweat. You'll try laughter yoga even though your ego hates it. You even know your ego

you'll remember how to connect without a screen or train. Yeah, that room smell like a you Subaru. Oh my God. Hug and listen in ways that actually give you energy.

Comment. Oh my God, they gave me so much anxiety. Could you imagine having to make eye contact and hug and actively listen to a fucking stranger on one of these retreats? I can, I can, I can, like, the stranger's the hard part. Yeah.

I can make eye sound like a hug. but not if I don't mean it. And I don't fucking know you, bro. And we're doing cartwheels together without any alcohol on a retreat. Sounds like a nightmare. All right. Fuck this. Let's go to the next thing.

Anyway, I'm going to be 50 this year. I'm going to go for my facelift. What do you think? Oh, wow. Okay, wait, is this? Looks great. Can we, do we get to see, do we get to see like two weeks later? Oh, it's just the before.

Oh, that's before. That's all you get. It's the before, and that's just right after. Oh my God. It's nice and tight. It's real tight. All gone. All gone.

What do you think, Brian? This is why every time I'm in a room with, with, with, she looks about, she's trying to cry. Well, of course. Could you imagine you go to Russia or Turkey or wherever this is? You sign up for the facelift and you come out of surgery and you've got. And you look exactly the same? Well, all. your face is just plastered on and restitched.

This is a nightmare. This is not how plastic surgery. She's got drains and everything. I was going to say this. This is why every time, every time, whenever a doctor comes in a room and he goes, just so you know, I got a student with me. It's okay. If they watch, I saw, hell no.

Get them the fuck out of here. Ain't, anybody practicing them. Because soon as I put in sleep, you're going to let this bitch practice. Of course. No, no, no. Can I tell you one time I let my gynecologist bring in a student to watch my Papsman. No. bro and I was like yeah sure why not and this is post two babies so my shit's just blasted

already you should have seen the look on this girl's face when she saw my fucking cooch getting opened up she was like I always say I always say no I always say no no the VA I had appointment with the VA because I got to explain all the medicines of it she was like oh just but it was a Zoom thing she was like just so you know there's a student on the call is that okay no bitch and it's not even affecting me like she really probably need to learn these medicines. I don't give a fuck. Let them practice on somebody else. Some other poor sucker. Yeah. No, get

him out the room. Get them out of here. All right, here we go. What about this? This guy's mad because this guy has Hitler tattoos. Hitler tattoos? Oh, wow. And this guy's a Jew looks like, and he's really angry. Well, yeah.

What? I mean, look. Oh, oh, look. That jukey is ready to throw hands. Oh, yeah. That is so offensive. Oh, God-day, sir. Before I get security up here.

Let's do something. Please call it. Yeah. Oh, I'm not going to see that. I want him out of my sight. Oh, I thought they were at the airport. I was like, why don't got your shoes on, sir? They had a pool.

Yeah, I mean, at first I was like, all right, it's one thing to have the swastika backtack. tattoos, but do you got to flunt them at the airport? No, they're not at the airport. They're at the pool. So then it's kind of a gray area. Like, a guy can have swastika tattoos, can he? I mean, what's the big now?

And listen, I understand him being offended by the swastika tattoos, but also, sir, it's like, why do you have your shirt on at the pool? Are you, because I feel like he's going to get in the pool with his shirt on. Oh, this guy? And I feel like that's just as offensive. Yeah, you're at the pool. That's a fact I move. You're policing people's bodies at the pool.

Oh, yeah. It's like, yeah, I get it. Like, why are you out? I mean, how you know what he's going through? He might be ready to get those removed. He too pulled for the laser stuff. But you are violating. You made a choice.

To pour that shirt. Yeah. That's a good point. But that's a fact I move. They think that we can't. See, you know what I learned in my older years? Is that you're going to be fat no matter what you wear to the beach. So you may as well wear, like, the bikini.

Who cares? Yeah. And the thing is, you're not hiding. A lot of fat people from our generation, they, we depend on. optical illusions. Yeah. And the thing is that shit's, them shits only work from certain angles.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Because it's like, it's like, bro, it's like, yeah. That girl's not going to fuck you because of which way your stripes are.

It's like a man. She's either into you or she's not, you know what I'm saying? Like so we have all these optical illusion where if you stand this way, if you're holding your stomach, if you move your hips. It's like,

but you're still fat. And eventually it's going to come out to whoever you're, well, you're going to get naked with them. Exactly. You may as well lead with it. I don't know.

It's like the whole, the ambush, that's over with. You have the body ambush? Yeah, yeah. Remember that when chicks were getting like Victoria's Secret bras with the padding in it, the padding. Now they got shit, they got shit. I don't know what it is. Even is it because of the, I don't know if it's because of the carbon fiber. But now they got shit that they got pants for girls.

You seen, have you seen these? Oh, that makes them have butts and stuff? Yeah, have you seen these ads with the Asian ladies and they pull up these pants? And it'll be like an obese woman. And she pulls up these pants and she has a completely flat stomach and an ass. Yeah, that was me. That was me before my surgery. You had like shaping, shaping pants? Shapeware. Yeah, it's called Spanx, dude. Like, they crush and they'll flatten you out, but you're still fat. It's just like putting you in a sausage casing. It just redistributes the fat.

Don't that do something to your organs? Of course it does. It's so painful. I used to take them all. I'd wear them to wedding spanks under my dress. And then I take the spanks off and throw them under the table by the end of the night because I wanted to eat. I wanted to live. I feel like, terrible. Did you ever have to get cut? out of one of them things? Yes. Of course. Every woman has. Yeah, especially in showbiz when you're filming stuff. Like, they put you in that sausage casing and then you put your clothes on over and you

look so good. It just makes you look smoother. But it's painful. It's terrible. Everything you've received of me on any TV thing or whatever, I'm wearing that sausage shit. Yeah. This is new information. Yeah.

You got to get on this. It's going to make you look good. And this whole time, you could have had that in your titty. You could have took that. I know. Could have took six months off. Could have would have shut up. All right.

Okay, did you fucking hear. Where's the original clip of the fart lady? I can play it on my computer. Would you please? Oh my God. Have you seen this lady? I'm so, I'd be so out of the loop. Okay.

Well, that's why you're here. I'm bringing you up to date on current events. The fart lady, though. Why? Oh, I know this late. Fart me. That I just said, Nick, you got to, can you get to kill me?

that? Hold on. What did he say to her? He's like, no, we can't. Why can't they kill the clip? Of course they can kill the clip. Because they thought they wanted attention.

Of course. No, I did see this clip. I didn't see that part of her being like, can we cut that out? He's like, no. Whoever the editor is hates her ass. Nick fuck with you. No, I think they all wanted to post that shit.

Because ain't no way I would have let that. There's no way I would have let that leave the house. No. I would have left his ass in that wall we was putting up. Hell yeah, dude. Because, but I saw her, she went on, I think she went on the breakfast club to like explain her. Yes, she did. Oh, you have that?

I don't have a rhyme or reason of the words that I make up. Like, I say nonsense stuff all the time. I mean, and again, like, even when, like, I edit my shows, right? And I'll be editing my shows and I'll be like, just finish what the fuck you're saying. Because I go off on like this and that. and I'm off the cuff. I'm not scripted. So were you trying to say something else in that morning?

Absolutely. Because you say fart digger and fart knocker. I say all that. I apologize. I do. I did and I do. I apologize. I did.

The camera's right there. Yes, I do. And to everyone out there, just Charlemagne's that you're aware, that is a word that I do not condone. So the people out there that do not use me as an example, right? That's where I've been coming out against people saying, hey, just because I said it, I made a mistake. I know I'm in a mistake. You watch that footage. Even the edited bullshit.

You know that I am like, ugh. So no, don't use me as your poster child for that bull. And I don't want you to think that coming on the breakfast club is just going to rehabilitate your image. Absolutely not. In fact, why increased the chance that you go to the airport and somebody going, that's the fart. Man, she might have been better off just saying it again right now, like on the show. Double down, pivot to the right to a right wing podcast, bitch. Go talk to someone else.

I know it's so, it's so tricky because, like, yes, you've made the mistake. Do you apologize? I mean, you just... Listen, you apologize if it's sincere, but going on a breakfast club. Oh. That is the modern equivalent of like bringing in Al Sharpton and apologizing or like apologizing to Oprah or something. You know what I mean? It's like, this isn't the...

It's exactly what he explained to her. It's like, you coming on a breakfast club isn't like... It's not like you came. to the nigga council and now they've all voted that you could that you good you know it's like people gonna feel how they want to feel

you know what I mean I feel like this was a bad move I don't know who her PR team is it's probably the same dude that told her he couldn't delete the footage it was like you know what you should do you should go on breakfast club yeah yeah well what's ironic

is she says I edit all my shows so if you're editing them how the fuck did that get up do you know what I'm saying like right why did you put that out yeah does she expect now I feel like I got to go watch the whole interview.

I know. Does she explain why? Why did it come out? How did it come out? I think it got leaked. Someone done like her. It got leaked by the dude that told her he couldn't delete it. Probably.

That dude got to be off the TV. I want to see an interview with him. Oh, so bad. Do you think he's black? He's definitely. No, he's not black. No, no. You don't think so?

Well, let's hear. Can you play her a clip again? What if she says it all the time? And he's like, that's it, bitch. I'm releasing this clip. I mean, see, the thing is, what irritates me about people like this is like, you said it as a reflex, bitch. That mean you have it in the chamber.

That's what any says. Yeah. You can't, you can't, because this, this is, this has happened recently in my personal life.

It's unconscious. Where I was in a, I was in a discord with a long time friend of mine and his like brother-in-law or something like that was in there. And he didn't know I was in there. I had just popped in to say,

what's up to my friends? Like, these are my old military buddies. We game sometimes together. And it's going, and something, they're in a game, they're playing some game together

and something happens and he just go, fuck nigger, and he just says it like, like as a reflex. I'm like, what the fuck? It's like, if you got it loaded in the chamber,

yeah. That's, that's you. I tend to agree because if that's your reflex, like your unconscious reflex word, then that's on deck. Okay,

but you know what though? But I don't know. Maybe she genuinely. Here's the only exception I will give, right? Because this is also true. Sometimes your negative self-talk,

it is, it's you repeating what your most, like, abusive parent would say to you. Like, when you made mistakes, like when you make a mistake and you go, you're fucking dumb at. It's like, that's what your mom or your dad or whoever was abusive you would have said. And so if your parent,

if your mama used to call you a fart nigger whenever you made a mistake. And now it's just built into your psyche that when you get frustrated and you go, fart, nigga, damn, that would, I would have let it slide if that was her explanation. And you know what, Brian?

I hope that that is the story. I hope that's the story. I think you just did it. Thank you so much for explaining. This is what we're doing. We're solving problems out here at YMH guys. Here's some more white people shit. Black and indigenous people of color.

Atlanta, Puerto Ricans, everybody loves it. Can you imagine? This is going to be me in 10 years. Bro, this is crazy. This is a... I'm already there. This is just... This is everybody that was ever in Edward Sharper to Magnetic Zero's.

This is what happens when they kick you out the band. I think these are just people that were into like theater in high school. Like you know those dorks back then? And now they're like, no, I go to these dance circles. You know that era of music during the 2000s where it was just where it was white people going, hey, stomping and clapping. Well, Jameiriqui. Yeah, these are all the people that used to go, hey. I know what you're saying.

This is like Paul Simon's Grace Land album. You're like, guys, come on. What is this supposed to be? Black people have been stomping and clapping for years. Is this not the joy camp still? Yeah, it's like another. So bad. I kill me.

I can't. I don't want it. Okay, I want to leave you on something. This is like rhythm training. I know. It's terrible. I'm going to leave you with something really positive. I want you to take care of yourself from now on.

Okay. here we go okay I want you to start doing this mubles smorting up urine through the nose unblocking paniel gland psychic vision and so on and so forth this whole area here oh sir sir oh my god yeah like two times like two times or three times of three times yes oh shit quick double triple one double watch you gotta do it like that cocaine a little bit

yes yes I know fuck dude that doesn't burn see this why we need a higher inheritance tax this you do this type of shit when you got a trust phone and you don't got to worry about stuff but organic organic but you don't want to oh I mean you're organic stuff the organic MDMA the organic cocaine. How do people get obsessed with their piss? Like when does this, you're like, you know what? This is medicinal.

You know what's funny is? I've had friends, like when I lived in Hollywood, I've had a couple of friends. You know, they get under the grips of some guru. Yeah. And it's just a matter of time before they start drinking piss. Yes, I know. And that's when you know they're gone. You lost them. At that point, they don't

signed over everything. They don't have a car. They don't have a house. They gave up their rent control apartment so they could go drink piss in the woods and open their pineal land this is right before

a motherfucker started living in a tree house I know I could see myself going here this dude I guarantee you this dude is living in a tree I'll live in a tree like I could go here

so fucking quickly I swear I'm insane even if you had to sniff your piss to stay there yeah I could see myself because I like meditate a lot Brian like I'm telling you I'm into the aliens

I'm channeling I'm Eastern European. I mean, I'm crazy. Like, I love this kind of weird shit now. And I could go there. No, see, I can go, I can do weird. I can do weird. I can do strange.

Oh, yeah, you know me. I have my Ph.D. in dealing with white people. Yeah. I can do weird, but you lose me at bodily fluids. Oh. Yeah. Like, because I could be the guy, I could be the security guy at that joy camp. Oh, my God.

That was so great if you were. To your heart's degree. I might even join you for a meal if I could bring my own sauces and stuff like that. But this, when you start doing fluids, I can't fuck with you. I cannot, no.

No, I know. I wonder if there's any black people drinking. Because if you will snort your own piss, that means you also don't wash your hands. You know that, right? Because anybody that think they piss is good enough to go back in their head.

They think they clean. They think everything. thing about them is sanitary. You just blew my mind, bro, because you're right. That shit goes, it does go close to your brain, right? Because you're snorting it. This is very dangerous. If this nigga make you a sandwich, it's piss on that sandwich.

Of course. Well, let's be that. Yeah. Yeah. Like his top piece of bread, it's pissed. It's pissed. It's all piss. It's all piss.

This is like when people were putting alcohol in their schincters so that the body absorbs it quickly. Like, you can die so fast. shooting alcohol in your butthole, you're not supposed to do that. Yeah, but you putting, you put in your acid up your nose, bro. That's crazy. Anyway, I just, I hope you get into this because I do think you need to start. You hope I get into this?

Yeah, you got to be healthy now, Brian. Just, just kill me. Let me die. Whatever, I guess you don't want to live forever. Let me die. And his piss is, it's a little too clear, honestly. Are we doing some health assessments? I don't know.

I think he's hydrated. I think it's, it's okay. Listen, I'm glad you came here I'm glad you're alive I'm glad you've decided to snort your own piss I'm glad you're on this journey Whatever it takes I don't want you to die

So just keep doing what you're doing No you guys don't know what I do to stay heart healthy What buddy Christina P. Cosmetics You're right Christina P Cosmetics You gotta do your liquid lipstick stays on forever

I'm wearing it right now My velvet crush blush There you go buddy My velvet crush blush is how I stay hard, healthy. That's right, buddy. I love you. Thank you so much for being here.

Come see Brian Simpson. Do you stand up. Come see me, do you stand up, and I love you, and stay golden. Showers, pony boy. Also, be us for Brian Simpson's in my podcast. Okay. I love you. Love you too.

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