Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Bryan Callen-194-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 5, 2014

Pull your jeans up, this is a good one! Kettle bell enthusiast, horseback riding instructor, competitive dancer and comedian/actor Bryan Callen steps into the Mommy Dome. He is well read and easy on the eyes. Sure he has a narrow waist line, but also his eyes are intoxicating. We cover way too much to write about in this endless space. Sociopaths, meditation, addiction, teeth and so much more. Stand up is the best thing is one of the main things we took away from this and that makes us happy. This ep has great WYR, Tom or Black and conversation that is so fun you'll be weaving new denim for yourself by the days end. JEANS UNIT!

All right. Welcome. Hi. Hi. How are you? That's very sexual music. We should give a shout out to Ross Dude. That's who we're talking, that's who we're listening to right now. Rizia is his song. I feel like he should be riding a horse side saddle through wheat. You could definitely do that. I would love if you did that. Is that Brian, the kid, Callan on a horse? The good guy, the great guy. There he is, the good guy. Yeah, the great guy. But it's the good guy dot dot, the great guy. Oh, you thought he was good. Look, it's a guy. It's a good guy. It's a great guy. Wow. That's another nickname for the kid. Get you moving around. That's a good guy. Do you do that? I remember in high school talking to girls on the phone

and you're like, Hey, and then you go like, Yeah, you make it. Did you really do that? Yeah, of course. Yeah, like that. No. That's like a black guy's deal. I'd say what it is, what it is, what it is. And then you'd like, do you like your lips? But it is little mom. Oh, yeah. So they made me change my flight and I decided to change it. Be like helium this week, Thursday, Friday, Saturday in Portland. So yeah, help me get, recoup my change fee and please come out. See me do shows Thursday, Friday, Saturday, helium next week. Christina and I are together for Valentine's Valentine's Day. As the children say, Chicago improv in Schomburg, 40 minutes outside of Chicago. Another good club. Another good club. Yep. If you're in New York, I'll be at the Gotham Comedy

Club. Oh, when the 20th, 21st, and that's the 21st, 22nd, 23rd, Brian, the kid, Callan, then I'll be at the punchline February, which one? San Francisco, Atlanta. Yes. San Francisco. That's a good club. I love San Francisco. I'm sorry. When you repeat your days, I think I talked over you though. That doesn't matter. San Francisco. Gotham Comedy Club, New York, February, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, then I'll be in San Francisco at the punchline February, 27th, 28th, March 1st, only comic you don't mind having your side split, split, split. That was really good. The addition of the echo effect that you did yourself was nice. I really like that a lot. Jeans, do you have another date? Yeah, after that February 20th or 23rd, I'll be at the Orlando

Improv in Florida, and then February 27th through March 2nd, the San Jose Improv. And also Jeans, check it out. Your mom's put up the links for our dates in Brooklyn. Yup. 13th, 14th, is that Brooklyn, New York? Yeah, we're both doing... The 13th, we're doing the podcast live at the Bell House. The 14th, we're doing stand up at the Knitting Factory. And the 15th, we're at Woodlands Tavern in Columbus, Ohio. You are legitimately funny. There I said it. I'm sorry. Because of my dates, were you just impressed? Yeah, I think you're funny. Thank you. I think I like Brian. He's like my favorite guest right now. I'm all BS aside. I think you're... For me to say this to a woman is... That's really what... You're really funny. You're genuinely funny.

Thank you for saying that. You're just saying that because you ate my greasy cuss. You're a real comic. Thanks, man. I'm not kidding. She's right. To be honest. Brian, I'm embarrassed by your praise. I don't know what to do with positive compliments. This is not why... I walk in your house and all of a sudden he lures that guy from all those movies. He's so normal in person. But why doesn't he play pro sports? You know, I get that a lot. He kind of moves like a jungle cat. How does he say so supple yet dangerous? You are kind of... Do you do yoga? You look very sinewy, but fit. I do. A lot of yoga, a lot of kung fu. We were in Toronto together. We were on a third floor balcony. It's like 35 feet up. He leapt off and landed and just walked down the street. That's why my

nickname was the cat when I was in the SEAL teams. It's so crazy. It's so many lifetimes. I floated between teams. I'm still not... I need a louder. I'm turning into Rush Limbaugh. Just turn the fuck up. What do you fucking want? I like this. Louder. Marital spat right off the bat. It sounds it could be my hearing. That's better, but that's too loud now. That's too loud? Turn it down. Good. Good. Thank you. Are you all right in there? I'm good, bro. Let me throw this in real quick. Next door, Gastropub. I'm doing it March 5th. It's in Port Angeles, Washington. The rest of the week, I'm at the Tacoma Comedy Club in Tacoma, Washington, 6th, 7th, 8th of March. That's that dog. What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm trying to match this. Yo, what you doing?

I'm trying to match a sexual candle. We have Brian Callan here. He's a big star. We can't just do this in the dark. All right, guys. Goddamn it. Killing me, man. I smell like money. Check it out. Tobacco and leather. We got business. Let's start the show officially, even though this is, let's just do it official. Here we go. Show up in with Brian Callan, everybody. Great. What's good, ladies? No, I'm saying she carry your belly. No, I'm saying she is here. No, I'm saying who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Brian, don't kill my dog. You're going to roll and kill him.

If that dog looks at me wrong, I don't trust your dog. Heard my dog. You should muzzle the animal. That dog will bite your fucking fingers off. It's like a sea snake. Keep your fingers closed. It can't bite. If you open up, it gets his little mouth between your fingers. We chose that open just for you. Thank you, buddy. That was a colorful, eclectic opening. Sexy as hell. That's what she's talking about herself. It reminds me of what's going down in my pants. You want to hear her talk? I want to hear her talk a little more.

That was a lady? That's a lady. I thought that was a boy doing his sexy voice, what you guys were doing earlier. What's good, ladies? No, I'm saying she carry your belly. No, I'm saying. That's a guy. No, I'm saying she is here. No, I'm saying. That depresses me. She carry your belly. No, I'm saying. Oh, God. Yeah, I'm losing these weights. God, I'm getting diabetes. No, I'm saying. What is she doing? Is she dying in butter?

She's breathing a lot. No, I just feel like she's applying. She's applying a salve. That's the clothes. Who is this? It's Tom's sister. Right. I'm losing my stomach. You know, my stomach is like icky right now. I have such a heart on right now. You're turned on. Yeah.

Have you slept with like a really, really disgusting pig before? No. No. I've slept with big fat. I mean, what you put a lot of people would call heavy women. Yeah. How heavy? I mean, you know, I am not afraid of a heavy woman. As long as she's... See, there's a difference. Some women can be just big ass and big haunts with the small weights, but big bodies. That doesn't turn you off.

It does. Not at all. No. I got no problem with it. Some girls, a lot of guys, she's fat. No, for me, I probably like what a lot of, like stereotypically, like you see a girl's overweight, it's like black guys like me, white guys down. I'm a black guy. And that's I am not afraid of what a lot of black guys would consider. What about a big fucking gut? No, I have a problem with the gut.

You did? I got a problem with the gut. You have two things I won't stand for on a woman, a gut and a big dick. Those are the two things I'm not going to deal with. And a beard. Those are the three things. So I have to draw them in line. So, but we discussed this for like a millisecond before we started this. So you kind of were like, you're trolling the puss a lot before you got married.

I was an appalling human being. Seriously? Yeah, I mean, I... Really? Why the judgment? Why do you... Well, I mean, the amount of the amount of the numbers I put up are already laying on the Howard Stern Show apparently. And my father called me and told me this, said that he'd never seen anybody, you know...

Crush it? Yeah, like... Like the kid? Can you can you ballpark it? What are we talking? Yeah, let's talk about it. It's embarrassing. No, don't listen, my dad...

You're saying that I'm talking to you guys and get 250,000 downloads. I mean, you know, don't act like this is just between us. No, Brian. Okay, listen, real talk. My dad has crushed a ton of puss. Like my father is an international playboy. He's an Hungarian man. Yes.

He's got beautiful plumage feathers. Is he got a piece on them? He's so... I don't know. Yeah, I've seen his... He sounds like that because he's European. That was his piece. It's got a big mouth.

He's European. Yeah, you know, look, I am not... It's like some guys are like, I have a type. I'm picky. No, I like... If a girl has a good attitude and I like women. But here's... I gotta go to this.

I've had great girlfriends in my life. This is more interesting to me though with regards to this. Is it about the chase for you? Is that the part that you're drawn to? You know, it's probably a lot of things. You know, I'm supposed a psychiatrist would say, well, Brian, you just want to be loved and admired by women. Sure, I do.

But I like women. I really enjoy a good glass of good wine. I really enjoy a good view. I really enjoy, more than anything, a beautiful woman. I mean, it's like Joe is very faithful and in love with his wife. And you know, but when he was younger, he had a joke. And he used to say, I went in a... I pulled like four Gs in a jet plane.

It was the most incredible experience of my life. Pussy's better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mike Tyson said, if God invented something better than pussy, he's keeping it for himself. Yeah. So, I mean, not to be, you know, not to be... Look, I'm 47, please.

Enough already, but... You're 47? I know, I have tight fitting skin. But here's the thing. I think that, you know, I always liked connecting with a person first. It wasn't about just banging. Yeah. It wasn't.

It was more about kind of seeing where this could go. It's fun to fall in love for a minute. I swear my father says the exact same thing. Can you remind me of my dad? He is a lot like him. It's really... My father has genuine love and he loves women. He loves talking to them.

Exactly. He loves the courtship. He'll never get hookers. Like, I don't think he's never done that. No, the problem with hookers is that I'm paying them to love me. Right. And so what I like about women, I look, if you look at me, let's be honest, I'm fine looking, but I'm not, I'm not some...

It's not like, whoa, I have to sleep with that guy. I'm not, I don't walk in and girls go biologically. I'm ovulating because that guy's shoulders and everything. I'm a regular guy. Nobody, nobody thinks that. I'm a regular guy. Thank you. But I think that women find it attractive or people find it attractive when you like them.

Yes. Yes. So I like if, you know, you know, but somebody dove Davis away, you got a, you got a great rap. I don't have a great rap. If I'd like somebody, a girl, I'm going to let her know I like her. And she believes it because I, I mean it. So is that your rap, so to speak?

Like you, you, what's, what was your game? I don't have a rap. But I think that that's, that's, that's the, I think what you're, you were hooked on is that the, the actual ritual, the whole courting, eating her, the seduction. Oh, it's so fun. Yes. See, that's what, that's what you get excited. That's way better than even the sex in some ways.

Right. Yeah. Because after a while, I mean, isn't at the end of the day sex, a lot of sex is in the mind and pussy's pussy and like how much pussy do you need? And I'm sure it sounds like you came to that point because you're obviously married with children. So like what was your breaking point? Um, probably in some ways the idea that you don't want to be, you want to be in command

of your appetites. Yeah. Now that's not easy. Yeah, I'm not, you know, but, but you, you, you're, you should do two things. One is try to learn to be in command of your appetites, dictate, you know, when you choose to do what you choose to do. That's very difficult. Most of us were hardwired for addiction.

I mean, look at Philip Seymour Hoffman, who I met very recently. I think a week ago. A week ago, you bet. Yes. And, and, uh, we're at at the Chateau Marmots with John Leguzamo. And why'd you have to drop his name? Because that's, because I did ride along with John. So we're friends.

It's not again. And, uh, it's just the second movie. It's the number one, the number one movie three weeks in a row. Who cares? Is Ice Cube in that one? Yeah. So it's Kevin Hart. Apparently I have a big part.

Who cares? I only saw once. Here's the thing. No, um, but I met him and Sean Penn. And I, you know, I know, I know that he had been, you know, John kind of very quietly said, you know, just got out of rehab for heroin, which is kind of on DL, which I was very surprised by. Were John and his friends?

Yeah. Okay. And then Sean Penn came over. And of course John knows Sean Penn way, but from way back from casualties of war and all that. And, um, I think Sean Penn, you know, well, when he came up, I said, that looks like an older Sean Penn, I wonder who that 75 year old man is. And it was Sean Penn. Is he pretty weathered, huh?

He's weathered. Yeah. I don't know what he does. I apparently he likes his, you know, cigarettes and coffee. He's very intense. He loves his cigarettes. Yeah. So, you know, I, I don't know, but it's interesting to me that two of the greatest

actors in my generation was he like, Hey, Mackie, he's a great guy. He's a very nice guy. And in fact, John said something to the effect that he's a standup comic. And, and Sean Penn said, Oh yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. Like as in he knew who I was, which was very exciting for me. Yeah, of course. Because I'm a huge fan.

I don't know if he did, but he acted that way. But my point is that, you know, here you have these two actors that are at the pinnacle of everything as far as their artistry and everything else. They looked both like they needed stilts to be held up. I'm not putting anybody down. I'm not, I'm not trying to be insulting or, you know, Gabby about, you know, I just, I think that Sean Penn looks older and, and he looked not as healthy as he could be. And, and, and got my God, Philip Seymour Hoffman looked yellow.

And these are two beautiful artists that have given me a great deal of joy. But the point I'm making is that it's very interesting to me that human beings are. Most of us have some issue. Absolutely. We are all wrestling with something. And if you don't, it's just that you don't know what that is. And it's not that comedians are more messed up than other people. It's that we just kind of look for those things and we play with those things.

But accountants, doctors, lawyers, they're way fucked up too. Oh yeah, everybody is. I was just saying this, was it saying to you, like, how do people get through life without drinking or without? What's your hang up? Do you even have it? I drink wine. I drink alcohol.

Yeah, but you're not a wine that, you're not like a booze bag. I eat, I overeat on the road out of loneliness and sadness and depression, anxiety. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying not to eat too much. Do you know what I've learned to do? I mean, I don't want to say, I, but this is something that I think works. I've kind of learned and I practice it every day.

But when I wake up in the middle of the night terrified of what could happen to the world or myself or my kids or whatever. My mind wanders to something unproductive, even sex or whatever. What I do is I gently bring it. I gently guide that energy back to the thoughts I'm supposed to have. There you go. Which is generally asking myself the right questions. So helpful questions that move me in the direction I should be moving.

What do you consider helpful questions? For example, I'm writing a script. So I will gently start moving in the direction of what is this guy really after? What's he after? Or, or what is, what does he learn in this scene? But more importantly, you know, you can ask yourself, you can reprogram. Most of us have a primary question from what I understand. No shit.

Right. So you have a primary question going through your mind. Most of the time it's not a helpful question. Most of the time it's, what if I fail? Yes. Am I good enough? Yes. What if I this?

Absolutely. You can reprogram your brain, man. You can reprogram your brain to say, I am. What action can I take today to get closer to who I want to be? Who do I want to be? What am I going to do today to get better at something I like? Those are questions. Those are rudimentary questions you can ask yourself.

You keep asking yourself that question. You're going to find the answer. Can I tell you that I'm really big into this right now, Brian, actually, about controlling the mind and controlling that chatter and controlling, like you said, the negative stuff. If you can flip-flop that, turn that into like, what can I do? Like what you're doing, it is retraining. It's like reforming the habits of the mind.

Because once you can control the mind, then you can control pretty much everything. You can literally redirect physically the circuitry in your brain. From what Dan Coyle says, who wrote a book called The Talent Code, I recommend to everybody. Dan Coyle, the former vice president. No, Dan Coyle. But Dan Coyle, not Dan Coyle.

But Dan Coyle went and looked at every hotbed that, like every school that puts out world-class talent. So in Brazil, they have these incredible soccer players. In the Dominican Republic, one out of nine of a major league is Dominican. Why? What are they teaching these guys? And he kept running into the same coach.

There's a school in the Catskills that puts out world-class musicians. Why that school? Rudimentary. There's a woman in Russia. She's got one court. She teaches group classes. She's put out everybody from Sharapova to Kornakova to Merit Safin, world champion after world champion.

She's 77. She teaches group classes on one court. It's a rickety old court. Why? How is she doing it? These people are, there's this great saying, 20% of your effort produces 80% of your results. 20% of your workforce usually produces

the 80% of your productivity. Yeah. It's 20%. Identify what that 20% is. You can learn 2.5% of all Spanish words, and you understand I think 95% of Spanish. I'm quoting Tim Ferriss now. The work, the four-hour work week.

Yes. I'm reading that right now. That's what I was just telling you about. He's done my podcast twice. You guys should get him on here. You're kidding. Oh, I would, I want to listen to that. By the way, what is the name of your podcast?

The Brian Callum Show. I was just reading that and how you should dump the stuff that's just not giving you enough returns. And then just multiply the shit that's like your top 10% earning of stuff, right? Yeah. That's brilliant. That's a very important thing to keep in mind.

Yeah. I mean, you can get really good at something. Tim Ferriss has a, he's talking about the podcast. He's got a show called the Tim Ferriss Experiment where he basically tries to learn something in a very short period of time. And you can do that. Yeah.

You know, in other words, if you want to learn how to play an instrument in a year, you can absolutely do that. You want to learn a language in one year, you can absolutely do that. Yeah. You're not going to be perfect, but you can learn a lot. There's this great exercise people should do,

which is sit down for a second and ask yourself what you want to be if you're in your rocking chair at 95. What is it you're going to wish you had done? And just think about it. And then just... Toledo. I don't want to go to Toledo. Can't you do that?

Fuck. Don't do that. Well, I want to, because I popped the K. Yeah. Make it soft. Well, I just said fuck. No, but you can say fuck. It's exciting when you say it. I can see why you do it.

Can I take my pants off first? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a pants zone. No, no, this is a no pants zone. But Brian Callan, don't you find too, because what you're saying is you don't need to be a master, necessarily. You just have to be proficient.

And I think so many people get hung up on mastery. I know I have the perfectionism of stuff going, well, I can't, I can't do X or Y or Z, because I'm not perfect at it yet. I will be with stand-up. With stand-up, absolutely. But that takes 10 years, 10,000 hours, 10 or 11 years. Yeah.

It takes that, I don't know if they're showing it, aren't you? Aren't you getting... Oh, absolutely. Yeah. 00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:42,640 You're able to read a crowd. Absolutely, yes. Yeah, I see that with you.

Obviously, it's a girl. That's a good example, but keep going about mastery. No, but the point is, is that, that can also hold people back. Is the constant preparation and the constant... I have to be perfect before I can attempt. I know that in my life, that's been the case. Do you know what that is?

Delaying tactics, fear. It's critics, it's a critic. Oh, I hate the critic. The self-critics in your mind. Self-critic is usually the same critic that you use for other people. So be careful how you criticize. Because that, what you criticize,

you cannot become, that's the saying, right? Just be careful with that. It's very easy to criticize. It certainly is. It is very easy. And it's also, I think it's not only easy. It's attractive to, you know what I mean, to yourself, to critics.

Like it's almost, there's a part of your mind that, like I sometimes will look at whatever, someone or something. And as I'm about to start the criticism, like at my age now, after all these years, I've been able to go like, just don't, don't get into that. Like just leave that alone.

Like stop. It's not helpful. It's exactly, stop talking shit about that. Who cares? It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. I mean, the one good thing I thought George W. Bush said, not a fan, but he said,

I said, you've been very quiet about Barack Obama. I got big problems with Barack Obama. He said, you haven't, you haven't said anything critical. And he said, it doesn't do any good. It just doesn't do any good, man. Yeah. I thought that was very astute and wise. I appreciated that.

Yeah, yeah, that is, it's true though. I mean, like, think about like with comics, you hang out with comics and all comics do is talk about. Who we hate. Yeah. It's so boring, man. I know. It's boring.

And it's also, it's super unproductive. You're just, what you realize is when you're a part of those conversations, at the end of the conversation, you're like, this negativity has just. Doesn't feel good. Feels bad on your neck. Feels like your neck is being bent. Yeah.

Actually, sometimes at the end of those, you kind of want to go like, let's say something nice about that person now. You know what I mean? Like, why are we doing this? Yeah, it's very easy, man. We all do it. I don't, I try to really never.

I don't see you. You're not, you don't seem like one of the guys at all. I'll criticize very few people. Lance Armstrong, I think is a piece of shit. Oh, Tommy hates him too. He's a piece of shit. He is a piece of shit. I think he's a sociopath and a very bad person.

Yes. But there are very few people like that that I'm going to go bad on. Tommy hates him. Yeah, he, because he's a piece of shit. But he's an extraordinary piece of shit. One of the things that I think. Raise a lot of money for cancer, so.

But you know what that was though? And in all honesty, it really was this. It's an accident that he can lean on to make him feel like and look like less of a piece of shit. It could have been anything else. It happened that he was afflicted. This is just a byproduct of a very methodical plan. Yes.

And the plan is I'm going to be a piece of shit, but I can criticize that. Absolutely. I actually believe he's a real sociopath. I think so. Yes. Without question. I know really famous people who've met him

that even feel the same way. It doesn't matter. When you read about what he did, when you really read about it and I have, when you take a look at the behavior, he's a bad person. Well, it's textbook. I mean, even if you looked at that Oprah interview, I mean, he has zero true remorse in his heart.

No, no, no. He doesn't have the capacity. Yeah. And he even, you know, when they bring back the last comeback and he's like, if I hadn't done that, never would have got caught. And she was like, so are you saying that like, it's because you got caught? And you can see that it doesn't register.

He goes like, he goes, he thinks about it and goes like, yeah, I mean, if I hadn't done that, we wouldn't have this problem right now. So it's like, oh, so you don't feel bad. Something got in the way of his cheating. Absolutely. And getting caught. He ruined people's lives.

Yes. 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:34,960 People that came out. When they told the truth about him and he made them do, bully people into doing it, basically saying, you'll never be on this team. You'll never cycle again. Yeah.

And then when they got caught, the guy was like, these guys are cheaters. I mean, he's a very... He's a bad dude. I have a problem with people that support him. Well, and usually Americans love, uh, repenting. America loves it when somebody does something bad. But he's not really repenting.

But he won't even get that. If you support, uh, um, Lance Armstrong. You, you make my pussy dry. You make my pussy dry. There you go. Yeah. Thank you, Thompson. Yeah.

I love that you don't like him. I really don't. I really don't like him. Now, the thing I will say to Tommy's credit to is that he hated Lance Armstrong very early on. Like you caught on to the fact that he was a sociopath. I did because I read a lot about sociopaths and I was, I was really into, I still am consuming some of these books,

but when I was reading about them and you know, it was, it happened to be when it was, when more and more and more people started to critique him, and this is before he came out and admitted it. And some of these guys where I just started to believe that they were being truthful. And I saw how vindictive and how just like vicious he was with the way he attacked people that came out.

I, I had just the, in everything added up on the, like the, the, the checklist you can do about somebody who's like over the top narcissistic and really doesn't care about anything but themselves. He fits everything. He fits every single category, everything on the checklist. He's that. I mean, he's, he's your textbook, methodical, just absolutely

nothing matters, but me winning, me being number one. And the winning thing is very big with sociopaths and not just winning. It's winning everything. It's all about winning. So he just fits that mold to a T. The only way that sociopaths relate to other people is by, is through power over them, winning.

Did you read, if you like that book, there's a book called The Murder Room. Have you read this? Oh man, Richard Walter, FBI profiler, specializes in sadism and serial killers. Oh, you would love it. Some of the wheelhouse. Oh my God.

And Scotland Yard went to speak to them and he knew these really amazing detectives and Scotland Yard were like, why do we want to hear from an American? So his colleague who worked at Scotland. Where the fucking best. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why do you think you're Brits?

Why do you want to hear from us? You could fucking try me, Fasso. You fuck you. That's why. He put a picture up on a slide in front of all these detectives of a man lying in a barbershop, dead with his dick cut off. Said, what happened here?

In three minutes and he goes through how he does it. In three minutes, he goes, oh, the killer was, he molested, raped a boy of about 12 and his father killed him and threw his dick away, cut his dick off and threw it away. And he goes through why he knew that. That's what that book's about. A guy who can read, who can literally read a crime scene

and say, a guy is in his mid 30s, lives with his mother and is not far from here, probably lives that moved about a hundred miles away in a male job. I love that shit. Always right. Brian, you sound like you've been through therapy. Have you done therapy? Very, very little.

Really? You're pretty aware. I would have pegged you as someone that did that and likes the process. You're very good at everything. Should I fucking forgot that? Go on, guys. There's not, I mean, there's nothing.

Come on, guys. I'm not that good at astronaut stuff. Not yet. But I am going to be in modest. I think when somebody says astronaut stuff, we get a pretty good idea of the level of expertise. Astronomy. This is the book that I bought, The Psychopath Inside.

Have you read that one? That's a fascinating one. Maybe. Okay. This is written by a neuroscientist. No, I didn't read that then. Okay. I read The Psychopath Inside.

When I tell you, it sounds like, yeah, that one's good. This sounds like a movie. Okay. So this guy's a neuroscientist. He's an expert. He's brought in to testify in all types of cases. And he looks at brain scans and he was doing the study and he had the idea, figured out basically

that brain scans of psychopaths that are imprisoned have a very, they're similar to each other and very different from everybody else. He's seen unddeveloped amygdala and, you know, like, yeah. Wow, look at you, Dr. So there's very specific things happening in these brain scans and he's found this out from years and years of studying and, you know, and doing his research.

And so one day, as he's going through some more brain scans like that, he looks at a brain scan and he puts it in his pile of these sociopaths. At the same time, he had submitted himself and other people, other faculty, had submitted themselves to be part of an Alzheimer's study. So actual faculty where he works

had submitted their brains to be part of the study. Anyways, he picks up a scan and he mistake, he puts it thinking that it's a sociopathic scan. He finds out it was actually his own. What? And he has a perfectly matching brain scan to psychopaths. Wow. Is he a psychopath?

Well, as you read the book, he has so many of the character traits of... Ego-centric. Oh, my God. Ego-centric. And I think it's almost unaware. Inability to empathize there. Yes, but his ego is absolutely spectacular.

He just goes on and on about his gifts and how he's just so wonderful and how great he was at this and how great he was at that. It's just a fascinating... Can I read that? Yeah. Yeah, it's so crazy. I was going to say.

So it's like a nature-inerture thing. Because it's not activated. Exactly. So it's a guy who has a family, he has a wife and kids. And what the real purpose of the book is to discover whether or not somebody can have those traits

and live a healthy life. Well, it's true that not all psychopaths... Psychopaths are not so much concerned. A lot of them are not sadists and not so concerned. No, not all are violence. Either one way or the other. They're just kind of... They can be very copacetic depending on...

Depending on their profile and stuff like that. But what's very interesting is that if indeed serial killers and things have very different brains, so they have an amygdala that doesn't... doesn't flood with serotonin as readily or cortisol or whatever the hell it is, if it's undeveloped, if they...

So in a sense, they're sort of brain damage. Or there's been a retardation of that brain somewhere in some area. If, in fact, there's an area of the brain that can have a lesion the size of a pinprick that can turn you into a homicidal maniac. There's that famous case of the father of three or whatever he was,

took these antidepressants or something like that. And it got him... He got overwhelmed with feelings for gay sex and was having sex with men in bathrooms and stuff like that. He got off the medication and he went back to being straight. That's where they do that.

Yeah, there you go. If that's the case, then what does that say about punitive punishment? If that... If we can then prove the criminal behavior, a lot of it is due to some form of brain damage. Now you've got a medical reason for why people somebody behaves that way.

Now, what do you do with that person? Do you put them in jail and punish them because it's retribution or in the Old Testament sense of the word? Or do you put them in a hospital? Oh, boy. Yeah, it's actually a really relevant question. Rehabilitation.

Yeah, and I thought about too, like reading sociopath next door and you start learning about that these people are incapable of empathizing, of feeling guilt, of feeling remorse. And when all the medical people say that, don't you kind of... Part of you kind of goes,

well, if this person doesn't even have the ability, I mean, obviously they have the ability to make a choice and do something, but what do you... Like, are you going to rehab this person? Oh, God. But the cost associated with that, I mean, we're not a society

that's into forgiveness that much, right? Oh, no. I can't believe how much Brian knows and reads. I want to shoot those people. Which people? Just sociopaths. Yeah, they're bad. Fuck them.

They're bad people. You mean everybody in show business? How many actors... You're well-read in this story. How many actors, agents? Managers. I think sociopaths are very rare. I think that...

They're not that rare. Oh, no. Well, they don't... They'd say one in a hundred, but I don't believe that number. But I think that a lot of times with an actor or with people like that, what you're looking at really is more desperation.

You're looking at somebody who's moved here and has all their, you know, eggs in one basket and failure is not an option. So, you know, Duff Davidoff made a really good observation. I was at a party, a lot of actors there. And everybody's very, very nice to each other. Nobody's telling the truth, right? So everybody's really nice and formal.

Why? Well, because everybody needs a goddamn job. And you don't know who's going to be in a position to give you a job. So what happens in a room is everybody is praising everybody. You're awesome. Your reputation in this business is huge.

When you're a director, a friend of mine is a director, they called everybody she knew. I got another friend who was a bit of a womanizer when he was younger and can't get a job because this business is run by women. And he has a bad reputation. So these are the kinds of things. He's an actor or director?

He's a director. He's a great, great guy. But... Todd can't get a job anymore. He made that hangover. Yeah, right. No, but so that's the kind of thing that... But wait a minute.

But I'm not sure that theory holds water because then there are people that can't asshole their way out of this business. Yeah, what's up with that? There are people that are real fucking assholes. Look at Charlie Sheen. He's a wife-beater. He's a junkie.

He's actually everybody I know has ever worked for or with him. And I know a significant number. And if you read about it, he is the one thing they'll all say about him. He's very nice and very generous. Really? Yes. So is that how he compensates for being such a turd

in his private life maybe? Because everything he does, he does to himself. Interesting. There you go. He's not doing things to other people. Anybody's been around him. Waiters, he tips the shit out of them. He's compensating.

Actors, he takes care of you. I know guys who work with him. He's just self-destructive. He might not show up at work because he's drunk. But he's never been accused of being a bad guy, a mean guy. But we all know, okay, let's say not him, other people who are fucking assholes and they still get their jobs.

It is crazy, right? When you're like, how does this guy still get? If you're very talented, you're going to get away with a lot for a while, but I'll give you an example. But it'll catch up to you. Well, let's take a couple examples. I mean, I don't want to, again, I hate talking bad about people. But let me just give you a couple examples.

Russell Crowe went quiet for a long time. You know why? No one likes him. He was difficult to work with. Adrian Brody has been quiet for a long time. That one's true. Is he an asshole? I don't know.

But I'm just telling you, Vincent Gallo, let's keep going with the list. Ari Shafir. Oh, it's Vincent Gallo. Wait a minute. You want to talk about Ari? No, I love Ari. But you know, so in this town, you get by until your movie fails

and then people go, there's another guy I won't mention, but I happen to know he's a big, big movie star. And he, in a room when you bring his name up, he's a big movie star, but he's not going to be working for very long because everybody goes, I don't want to work with that guy. Not worth it. Yeah, I believe that.

I believe that being cool, being nice, genuine to people gets you jobs. You're on a set for four months. After a while, I actually believe that there's a cabal of men in Hollywood we don't know about that can make or break you. That can destroy you. Great. So you were in, you're in a movie right now,

right along with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart. I've seen the billboards. Yeah, the billboards are hard to fucking get away from. What do you, what do you play in this film? I play, I play Ice Cubes, one of Ice Cubes sort of partners. John Legger's almost partner. I'm a cop. And then there's a twist.

There's a twist. This movie's doing very well. It's doing, so I think it's number one, three weeks in a row. Okay, I'll take no credit for that. I'll take no credit for that. You get your thing out. You get your movie on. Oh, shit.

This shit is big time. This is big time. Who was that? Huh? That's my dad. That's Tom. That's me. When a movie is like that, do your agents, like you, you know,

you're, you're in a big film like that and it does really well. Do they start calling you like, this is good for you? Does it affect your actual? It's funny because they say that, but it's, I mean, I have a recurring role on the Goldbergs, which I'm excited about. What's that? Oh, that's a ABC show? A Fox show?

Fox show? Jeff Garland? Yeah. Which they offer to me, but I don't know if it's because of Ride Along. You got that after Ride Along? Yeah. So maybe it had something to do with it, but for the most part, you're back to square one. What's, that's amazing.

You know, I, yeah, I have a friend who said the same thing. What is your, what is your role on the Goldbergs? I play a 1980s gym teacher. Oh, that's perfect for you. That's so perfect. We're very tight, very high shorts. Oh, that's so perfect for you. And I knew 10 and I, and I, um, I have psoriasis on my legs, so they have to put

makeup. It's a sexy look. I am just awful, uh, but I look like a marine, uh, a skinny marine. Yeah. Now, do you have psoriasis in real life? Is that what you're saying? And they have to cover it? I had eczema on my elbows and then I stopped working with someone that I loathed and the eczema cleared right up.

Yeah, yeah, it flares up with stress. Yeah. Wow. This is exciting. I fight kung fu to that music and jazz dance. 47. 47 years old. No way.

And now three years away from 50, tight fitting skin. You look good, man. Shining. Wow. You look really good. It's the lighting, brother. It's amazing. Thank you.

Um, how young can you play, you think? How long can you get away with it? I can play. If you shave me down, throw me in diapers. Yeah. I'll play an infant. A muscular infant. What is your background, your ethnic?

Irish and Italian. My mother's Sicilian. Can you show me those chompers real quick? Let's see. This is a dental update. So we need... Well, my lord, apparently my sister saw it right along. She said, you need an Invisalign.

No, don't do that. Your teeth are straight. Don't know. Let's see. It's character. It looks great. Show me again. Let's see.

You got nice teeth. No, don't do that. You floss? Character. I do floss. Good. I think so. What's your cavity situation like?

I got issues. You do? Well, because I don't go to the dentist, and also because I grew up overseas. I'm sorry. My whole life. 00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:10,160 And we're going to have fluoride in the water.

Where did you grow up? I was born in the Philippines, lived in India, Pakistan, Greece, Saudi Arabia, and Lebanon, and moved to the States when I was 14. Now why is that? Are you serious? Dead serious. This is really true.

Yep. Why? Father was a banker. No, he wasn't. Well, you're something like that. He's lying to you. He had a mysterious past. Your father had a mysterious past.

So we got bounced around every two years. You spent 14 years. I never lived anywhere more than one year. I think this is true. I did a little thing the other day. I think I never lived anywhere for more than one year. I never lived under one roof for more than one year until I was 30 years old.

Oh, Christ. Jesus, man. That's terrible. I was a nomad. So 14's when you come over? 14 years old. Did you even speak English when you were a kid? I did.

I did. I spoke French. I went to French schools. I was in Olybon in Lebanon. How do you like Lebanon? Sorry, it's not just French. You look like you could be French. I could believe French.

I believe Lebanese. It's not bad. Thank you. I would definitely believe Pakistani. It's like 100%. Do you speak Urdu? I do. I speak Urdu.

I spent a lot of time in Pakistan. I lived in Pakistan. I'm sorry. I'm glad that you know Urdu is the Pakistani language. Come on. I didn't know that. Look who you're talking to. This is a good question.

What did Pakistan used to be? India? Thank you. Really? When was the partition of India? One year. 47. Nice job, brother.

No, you knew that? That is impressive as hell. I'm very impressed, Tom. Well done. Thank you. Well done. So this is interesting, though, is that teeth really do tell the story of people.

Like we just learned about his childhood and everything. Now you're saying, so you don't go to the dentist. Why don't you go now? I don't understand that. I go to the dentist. But I took almost, I think something like 12 years off. And this wonderful dentist. 12 years.

He looked at my teeth. He goes, dude, your teeth are a mess. You grind. He did say that. You grind. My gums are in really good shape. I have crazy good gums. That's great.

But he said your teeth, they're just cracked and broken. So I had to go through a lot of, you know. Do you have like veneers or bonding? Some. Yeah, really? Not really. Yeah, it's all right. My teeth are.

They look good. Yeah. You get lost in my eyes. Yes, that is the problem. Yeah, my onyx eyes. Don't do Invisalign. That's. I'm not going to.

Yeah, really nice eyes. There are certain things I won't do, you know. Yeah, don't be perfect. Do not be perfect. I know a lot of guys do testosterone and things like that. Do you do a lot of cardio? No. You don't?

Not really. I play tennis and I box. Well, that would be a lot. Yeah. Tennis is great. But I'm not, I'm not, I'm pathetic at boxing and I don't have good. How often are you doing, are you boxing? Twice a week.

What do you, do you go with a partner or do you? No, I train with a guy. Yeah. Do you go in the bag? He's a pro. He puts me in there. We move around. It's good, right?

It's a great workout. It's unbelievable. Yeah. I'm only interested in the fighting part. I don't give a shit about the conditioning. Really? Yeah. We're the opposite.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I go to this place here. I just tell, I just want you to make me fucking fall apart. Punch somebody in the face. I love fighting. I love that whole game. Get free. You should get your question.

It's never going to be good or tough. It is. I just like it. It's good to hit that bag, though, and just unload, right? Yeah. Now, wait a minute, though. You said that you grew up in New York. So 14, and then what, you go to New York?

Well, my mother was born and raised in Brooklyn. So my roots were there. But at the 14, I went to boarding school in Massachusetts. Oh, my God. Northfield, my home, because my parents were still in Saudi Arabia. Then I went to college down in Washington, D.C., American University for four years.

Then I come back to New York. What did you study? Work at a bank. Lehman Brothers. Then I defunct Lehman Brothers. You worked at Lehman Brothers? Jesus Christ. And then I quit, and I went to theater school in New York.

So when was this like 77, 78? This is 1963. It's 63. No, it was in 91. I graduated from the neighborhood playhouse in New York. 00:45:12,080 --> 00:45:15,280 And I tried to be an actor and ended up temping. And then I finally got a show called Mad TV,

because I started stand-up in the greatest day of my life, because I realized at least I had a job. And I lasted two years until I got fired for not coming up with enough characters. I then went to New York and did a show called Oz. You were on Oz? I was for the second season. And then I came and did a CBS.

I got a CBS pilot that didn't get shot. And then I finished. I just spent my whole career chasing that series that I've never gotten. Is that what you really want? I don't know. I love stand-up so much. Do you really?

Yeah, and I love what I'm doing. And I love that I'm writing it. And I think I'm working at a level I've never worked before. And I'm very fulfilled artistically with that expression. And if I can write a script, great. But I'm writing it just to see if I can do it, not to get it made. But there's nothing like stand-up.

I'm sorry. I've done big movies. I've been lucky enough to work on lots of TV shows. And you can't compare anything to stand-up. You wrote it. You're up there for an hour plus in front of a bunch of strangers and you're solving that problem. And very few people can do what we do,

especially on this level. Sorry. It's true. How many? How many? We talk about this sometimes. At the most 100? But don't you feel so?

I got you in my top. I haven't seen you enough jeans. But it's okay, buddy. Segura, I've seen you. I got you in, I mean, you're top 30 in the world. Oh, get out of here. You are. Easy.

No, I'm not. Yeah, you are. What do you mean no you're not? Yes, you are. That's an objective fact. What are you talking about? Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's an objective.

I'm right about that. Can I put top 30 in the world on my site? You are, maybe more. I mean, who's better? You can stand in one position in front of, I've seen it, 3,000 people in one place talking barely above a whisper and make them roar. Good luck trying to do that.

Well, but I agree with you. And then at the same time, I feel like show business sees us as like, you know, a fucking step children. Yeah, we're like a step. We're not even there. They don't even pay any time. They don't care. They don't give a fuck about us.

Doesn't matter. You're nobody. We're like mimes or fucking slam poets or something. They were on the Venice boardwalk. Yeah, but you can develop. Thumbing our ass. If you develop your own following and you write enough, you keep changing, you will make money.

Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah, that is true. And I love that more than anything. I love going to other towns and I love having people come back. I was in Seattle and I had people for Pete's. People have come to see me four times the fourth time they'd seen me. You want to talk about flattering? I really appreciate those fans.

I do. I really give a shit about them. I do say that I that I've never felt the great genuine gratitude like I have towards people that come out and especially people that come back that go like, yeah, I saw you last year. And like and not even like sometimes they're not podcast fans. They're they'll even when they are, it's fantastic. But when they're like, yeah, I remember I saw you at a show

and I saw the email come out about who's coming up and we came back and we saw you. Yeah, that's that's awesome. That's awesome. It's incredible. It is. It is amazing. That and in this digital era where everything is so Twitter and quick

and it's the last thing that you can actually connect with human beings on a really, you know, a serious level, like a deeper level, like podcasting. I mean, this is long form entertainment. Television can't even come close to what this is, which is people listening to an entire conversation unfold for an hour. Right. God forbid. Yeah.

Right. So it's a good time to be a comic. It is a good time. It is a good time. I hope the people have learned everything. The people, the people, these people that are listening to you. Yeah, yeah. I don't know about that.

We'll see. Let's see if you can learn something from this. Brian Callan, this episode. I'm the one that had the elephant roosting in trees. Shit, man. That's Tom Segura. Buns. He was a for real grimy nigga.

You think I give a fuck about a motherfucking red light? Faggot cop can't touch me. On my head, smoking weed, speeding, all that door. Fuck that. That's me. I put shade masks around your fucking eyes. It's time for Tom or Black. Niggas are fucking jokes, niggas.

All right. That's impressive. That's pretty good. That is amazing. This is Tom or Black. We play audio clips for you. You decide. You vote.

Is it me? Trying to sound like a black person? Or is it a real black person? Okay. I think you'll be good at this. Ready? We'll tell you at the end, obviously. You want to hear it again?

Yeah. Okay. Fuck with my ass, man. That's you. All right. Here we go. God damn it. That's not you.

It's a black guy. It's a black guy. All right. Hey, yo. Um, is that all I got? You want to hear it again? Yeah. Okay.

One second. Excuse me. Hey, yo. That's you. That's me? Yeah. Okay. Hmm.

Hey, kites. Do it again. Hey, kites. That's not you. Okay. Uh, just a couple more. All right. Two more.

We're going to ride a plane. It's not you. Black. It's black. Please say black. Sorry, it's black. Thank you. And your last one.

What's going on here? It's you. It's going on here. No, it's not you. You already voted. Which is it? Yeah. I'm going to say that's black.

Black? You want to hear it again? It's going on here. It's black. All right. How many do we do? It might be all Tom Seguro, by the way. It could be.

It could be all Tom Seguro, but I'm going to go with what might, what I said. All right. All right. Um, all right, Brian. So how many, how many was it? He only got 50% out of, uh, out of, out of six. He got three right.

You should take your podcasts and stick it in your ass though. Yeah. Sorry. Here's the great thing, Brian. I wouldn't do that. I could do that. And, and, but these are, it really is a mix. Here's clip number one.

Good. That's, that's Tom Seguro. You said me. Yeah. It's a black homeless man who's being raped by a gay ghost. And that would be, that was you doing that. That was, uh, yes, I was the ghost, raping him. That wasn't your voice.

That's not my voice. Okay. Uh, we've never played this clip before, just to give our listeners a little bit more of this. The man is laying in an alley with his pants off and he is talking to. But he's laying in the diaper changing baby position. 00:52:29,440 --> 00:52:30,240 His legs are up.

He's on his back and he's talking to just nobody. There's nobody in there. Must smell great. And he, he talks a lot like the sex. You can tell it's vividly playing out to him. He's really. He's there. Fuck me up.

I'm good. It feels good. It's fucking me. It feels good. It's fucking me, man. Hey, what? I think he said, fuck me on my dick. You're fucking me.

You're fucking it. It feels good. Don't it. The donut. It's really fucking me. Fucking me in my ass. Well, his grammar is atrocious. His grammar is absolutely horrific.

His enunciation is atrocious. He wouldn't do well in theater school, huh? Yeah, no. Next. God damn it. Now, Brian said. He said black. He said black.

You got it. Correct. Yeah. You got it. Correct. Here's a little more of what was going on there. God damn it. God damn it.

He had just finished coming. Oh, God. God damn it. Yeah. Yeah. You know that. God damn it. I don't say that.

I say, God bless you. Sometimes I say that. Yeah. You're welcome. You're welcome. Yeah. Yeah. That's good.

You're welcome. Next, you voted. White worms. I say that sometimes. White worms. Disgusting. Which way did he vote on? Hey, yo.

He said Tom. He said Tom and you got it right. That's me. That is me. Hey, yo. Next. My dick is barfing. Sorry, guys.

Next was. Hey, Keats. And he said black. Yeah. And here's the full clip. Hey, Keats. What are you going to bring back my staple gun, man? I'm trying to finish a gazebo.

God damn. That's me. That's you. That's me. Wow. What do you think? That's pretty impressive. That's obviously a sound filter of some kind.

No, no. That's from the DVD. Impressive. Yep. Next was. He said. He said black. And that's me.

Wow. We go round and back. We go round and back. Yeah. What do you think, Brian? Yeah. Now that you see him. This game is not that great, but it's good.

It's fun. No, I'm kidding. What? I mean, it's pretty fun, Brian. It's like. I know. I understand. It's good.

It's the best game I've ever. Here's what I fucked up with. This is pretty fun. I fucked up. He voted and I played it again. Remember he voted? Yeah. You should have just made that.

And I just should have let him have his vote. Yeah. I played it again and then he changed his vote. And that's when you got it right. Damn it. Here's a full clip though, which is much more fun. I know this how. I came down here.

I saw all the limbs and things. And I saw a hole in them. And I said, what's going on here? So they say your knees in the hospital. I thought it was in Jackson. That's a black guy. Wow. What happened there?

There was a storm in Mississippi. And he came back to see the damage. Good Lord. Yeah. He wasn't happy about it. There you go. I got to have games like this on my podcast. You don't have to.

But you talk to like smart people. Like I know. So I don't know how. Yeah. But how fun would it be to play this with Jared Diamond? It'd be pretty rough. I know. Like, hey, man, we're going to play Tom or Black right now.

And he's like, I'm going to do that. You should have a game. Play Tom or Black. No, I'm not going to take your goddamn play our game. And they don't even know who I am. Like, is this my friend Tom? Just say, is this my friend Tom or a black guy? That's a really good idea for a game.

I don't think so, Tom. I think that's a good idea. I just have to say no. OK. Look at you setting boundaries. Good for you. You need to go to therapy. Oh, another thing we got to tell them real quick.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. So we just found out that I don't know what the fuck happened with our Amazon banner. Oh, it's so depressing. But it's very depressing. God damn it. Something happened.

And we're trying to track down what the problem was. But anyways, the banner, if you had gone to it, please go to it again. It's been fixed, our Amazon link, and click on it and do your Amazon shopping through our Amazon link. But bookmark that shit, yo. Exactly. Like bookmark it to your browser.

That would really help us. Forever, forever there. The site, of course, is yourmomshousepodcast.com. And if you click on that Amazon banner and you bookmark it and you shop your regular shopping on Amazon through it, it helps out the show. We get a little bit of a kickback and it helps us out. So we appreciate it.

If you do that, OK? Callum's bored. I'm loving it. I know, it was so over. This was fun, actually. He was like, I don't really like that game. No, no, no. I actually changed my mind because I was just thinking

about having to do something like that. It's actually a good idea. Sorry, guys. Come on, man. I feel like, guys. I know. I mean, you know. It's a great game.

Whatever. So this next game, this is like... Are we doing another one? Yeah, we're going to wrap up the show now. Oh, good. Yeah, this is the end of the show. Good. Look at him.

See how negative he was? He's got to go back. No, no, I'm excited. Family and life. And he's got to play tennis. No, I have a step class I have to get to. OK. So, OK, this is called Would You Rather.

This is not... We didn't invent this game, but this is probably the biggest scenario we have on our show that we ask really important guests. OK? So Would You Rather, here's your two scenarios. OK? Are we doing classic or new first?

Classic first. OK. Classic Would You Rather. So it's... Holidays? Holiday season. It's Christmas morning. Christmas morning, Brian.

You set it up great. OK. Go set it up. Yeah, I like it. Christmas morning. The whole Callan clan is there. Yes. Grandma.

Boo Boo Chicken Pop. The kids. Sure. Grandma, dad, everybody, sister. Laws. We're all there. Yep. You're about to open presents.

They go, can we open presents? And you go, hold on a second. I got something for everybody. You sit them in the living room in front of the television and you pop in a DVD. OK? And you go, let's do this before we get to the presents. You press play.

Would you rather what plays on the television is you masturbating to completion and then you say, Merry Christmas. Oh my God. Or 10 homeless women. I guess let's make it heterosexual. Yeah. 10 homeless. You're on your knees and 10 homeless women walk up to you and they squirt on your face.

Right? They fire out their vaginal juices onto your face. Each one by one and they scream. And then when you're covered in all their juices, the last one goes, you look at the camera, you go, Merry Christmas. Which would you rather? God damn it. No.

Yeah. You got to think about it. Damn it. Walk us through your thoughts though. Yeah, I want to hear how you rationalize this. I guess I got to. I guess I can't have them see me dumping. I can't have them see me dumping.

Dumping your clip. Jacking furiously and dumping my just shooting, emptying my gun. But why? Why is that? It's just too much of a war hammer. It just I don't want anybody see me like not my my kin seeing me that sexual. So I guess just you alone. Yeah.

No, no, that's no. I got to have I got to have jizz all over my face. And I would say I was a dare fucking assholes. See that. And that see therein lies the crux of this. Would you rather? Yeah, it is. Rather would you take the blame yourself?

Like you being the offender or do you go? Oh, I'm a victim. I'm the victim. Yeah, I'd be the victim. I'm wearing a suit. My face is there. I'm like, I agree with you. I've always taken that position because I don't want to be the perpetrator in this.

Like I'm the dirt bag. They're very homeless. Yeah, that's a problem. They're filthy. They're very dirty. Very, very dirty. They're like the guy getting right. It's called hobo cum cum.

It's called hobo cunt juice. This came in the day from Julie. Would you rather burp the taste of your farts? So when you burp, it's a fart. God damn it. Or when you blow your nose, diarrhea comes up. Come on. Dude.

Fuck off. I guess I got to burp my fucking, I got to burp gas. You're burping farts. I have to fuck this game. I go with Brian on this one. Diarrhea out of your nose. I can't have diarrhea coming out of my nose. You know how bad that is?

That'll fuck up your taste. That's nobody. It's impossible. It'll fuck up your taste. It'll fuck up your shirt. Jesus Christ. It'll fuck up your lips. It's a disaster.

Ah, fuck. But you are, when you burp, you are a fucking mess. But you can't be married. But your wife, Brian, she couldn't handle that. Ah, well, I don't burp. I just wouldn't burp. But it's still there. The problem is when you're talking and you're like, excuse me.

Yeah. And then they're like, oh, fuck, man. Somebody farted. Somebody take a shit in your mouth? Yeah. Which Tom does a lot. Like Tom burps in people's faces a lot. Do you have another one?

Yeah, I have ones that. Wait, which would you do? Ah, fuck, man. The thing is, your sons have smelled. Hold on, hold on. What do you mean fuck, man? You're not taking diarrhea out of your nose. I'll answer the question for you.

You're fucking burping gas. Here's the thing is that I seldom blow my nose. I don't give a shit. I don't blow my nose at all. If you have a cold, you're going to blow the fuck out of your nose. And now you've got E. coli coming out of your fucking. Here's the thing. The only thing is that your sense of smell

affects your sense of taste and everything. It just, it affects everything. They have diarrhea out there. Yeah, it's a disaster. So no diarrhea of the nose. Some burps I've had smell like farts, you know. And I have like Vietnamese food or something. Yeah.

That doesn't smell very good. Everything smells like farts after that. The house, your mouth. My friend is heavy and he smokes and drinks. And I go, dude, you got to stop this. He goes, no, I don't. And I go, I go, but don't you worry about, you know, getting sick.

And he goes, yes, I do, Brian. I've got cancer all through my family tree, including face tumors. More cigarettes, please. Didn't give a fuck. That's the right answer then. Yeah. I take the burps then.

All right. What do you got? Okay. So I'll just do a, would you rather, this one's just for me, because like I, I very, I hate bad music. Would you rather have the only music you can listen to be the music of your least favorite band, in my case, UB40, or every day you have to listen.

This is so funny because it's so funny. It's just so timely. Okay. Would you rather have the only music you can listen to be the music of your least favorite band? So in my case, it's UB40. I don't know what yours is, Brian. What's your least favorite band?

God, Jefferson Airplane. Not Jefferson Airplane, Jefferson Starship. Oh God, they're crap. We built this. Oh, stop it. Don't even sing it. What about you, Tommy? Bob Dylan.

Okay. Yeah. He's terrible. Okay. Or every day you have to listen to a retarded person talk about sex. Now remember that clip we had where he's like in a, I think it's his buddy, Sean Penn, isn't it?

No. Playing a retard. It's not Sean Penn, but I know he. Yeah. Yeah. I like the clip. Yeah, I don't like that one. No, that's with Chaz Pumentary.

I don't mind that. You know what I'm talking about? I like people who are a little bit slow. This is way slow, but it's pretty funny. But it seems a little exploitive. You know what I mean? I don't like that movie. You sure that's not Sean Penn?

It's not. It's not. He's got some movie he did like that. Yeah, he played like a retired person. Yeah. What was it? I could never do that. It's too much work.

Do you play retarded? Too much work takes too long. Couldn't do it. I would never want to do a role like that. But it's not like the award role, you know? Yeah. And I just don't give a shit. Yeah.

You don't want to do a retired role? Yeah. The thing about acting, when you got to get into character, quote unquote, and you spend a year preparing for the role or whatever it is, life is too short. Yeah, it's true, buddy. This is from Yonkers. She's pretty.

I can't even listen to it. It's not a fact. She likes me very much. Oh, good plan. You know, nice boy like you. She showed me her clip. All right. It's pink and sensitive.

I don't know why. And sometimes it hides on you, and you have to find you with your tongue like this. That is, what is that movie? Yonkers Joe. God, he's a great one. He goes full retard. I mean, the guy...

Was that when Chaz is in it? That's Chaz talking to him. That's Chaz going like, oh, yeah. He's not a guy I don't see in movies anymore. You're right. You're right. It's tough. Man, it's a tough business.

Yeah, it's a tough business. That's what, going back to that, another thing real quick, is that if you are an actor, like you who works in movies and stuff, and you know how the business like that works, and you have stand-up, you're never, not going to work ever because you can do stand-up. Yeah, that's true. It's pretty amazing.

Like you have friends who are like, I can't get a job, and you're going selling tickets doing your show. That's true. Thank God. Yeah. Unbelievable. All right. That's all I got kids.

Yeah, that was a lot of fun. That was fun. Thank you. I see why your podcast is popular. Yeah. Yeah, because of that. Retards. I've got to do some of this stuff.

Dental updates. Let me. Black stuff. That's good stuff. Where's that song that came in? Yeah, a little bit. Is that there? Oh, I should.

I'm going to try some of that. Yeah, it's called Greasy. It's starred and it's labeled. Okay. Oh, here we go. We're still, we're doing this right now. It's a good day. So say thank you.

We love you. Thank you guys. You guys were great. Thanks for having me. Of course. Thanks for coming, Brian. You're a fantastic guest. And thank you to, let's tell them real quick.

I wish you guys lived closer. The ghost crew. Ghost crew, Pete and Chris. For this song, Greasy. We appreciate it. We love you guys. We'll see you later. Bye everybody.

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