Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Carrot Top Whips Out His Big Black Trunk | Your Mom's House Ep. 827

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. This episode is brought to you by Square. You're not just running a restaurant. You're building something big. And Square's there for all of it. Giving your customers more ways to order, whether that's in person with Square kiosk or online. Instant access to your sales, plus the funding you need to go even bigger. and real-time insights so you know what's working, what's not, and what's next. Because when you're doing big things, your tools should to.

Starting point is 00:00:38 Visit square.ca.com to another episode of Your Mama's Place. Do you know how many times someone has said that to me? Same brought me up on stage and they say it wrong. He has your mom's place, your mama's? Yeah. And he has a host the show Your Mama. You'd be like, cool. And fans don't like that.

Starting point is 00:01:02 No. They get really upset. And I tell emcees, I've told them, if you mess it up, they will come for you. Don't mess it up, dummy. Learn how to talk, stupid. Yeah, you dummy. Yeah. Big stupid.

Starting point is 00:01:13 We're back. We're back. We're back. We're back. I've missed it. Dude, I missed it here so much. So fun doing this show. And we were out for different reasons.

Starting point is 00:01:25 What were you out for again? I did a movie. Oh, right. And then I had my Envisaline kind of adjusted again. That was so painful for you. It sucked. What did you do? I had my deep flap.

Starting point is 00:01:38 I've got new tettas again. Okay, let's not make this all about, you know. Cancer tits. Jesus Christ. They're so good, though. They are good, though. Unbelievable. I mean, I don't understand.

Starting point is 00:01:51 I don't know. They're magicians. I know. God bless these doctors, man. It was a 12-hour. surgery I was in the ICU for three days and now I have killer

Starting point is 00:02:04 tits and I have a flat stomach it's so cool it's amazing it's amazing I don't even think you've really like seen them but you haven't like all right I'll take a little I'm still kind of scabby peekaboo later and stuff

Starting point is 00:02:17 it's great it's amazing and you've changed your body has changed so much you know the thing is here's the thing that's so crazy I've tried so many times over the years different tactics you know diets and like yeah all right you're doing carnivore you're going to do the just juice like all these things to lose weight and then I went and

Starting point is 00:02:42 did a movie where I was just like on set 12 hours a day and you're like yeah I don't really want to eat because I'm in the scene I don't want to burp I don't want to feel bloated like kind of like when you do stand up you're like I'll eat after yeah so I did that for a month and a half and then I was like oh I lost another 15 pounds doing that well and you are i think really happy yeah it was fun it was very and busy yeah happy and busy and the last thing i was thinking about for what it is just food and so you know two weeks in they're like hey we have to punch a hole in your belt and then another two weeks went by they're like we have to punch another hole in your belt and could you stop please so that your clothes fits for the rest of the movie i was like oh yeah it was crazy that i didn't try

Starting point is 00:03:23 and then i got back and i haven't gained a pound yet well that's the way to do it Yeah, yeah, to keep on going. Yeah. Look, I don't want you to think that I've been idle or just lazy in this last month that I've been home. That wasn't one of my thoughts, okay? I don't want you guys to think, like, oh, Christina has breast cancer and reconstructive surgery, and she's just laying home on her laurels. Like, I want you to know that I've been working hard.

Starting point is 00:03:48 I know. I know you've been working hard. Yeah, you've been up to a lot of stuff. Let's get into it after we open the show. Yeah, I was going to say, I'm just excited to share. Let's share. Let's catch up. I really want to share.

Starting point is 00:03:57 like to know all right here we go here's your opening clip everybody the best when people are really in their mind they need to get like when you get stuck and going in circles in your mind the best way to get out of that is to shove something up here there's actually a truth to that statement because from here to there is the same it's connected connected tissue if you didn't eat food you didn't know your that wouldn't be a holy spot It goes up your ass. Yep. Yep.

Starting point is 00:04:31 Yeah. Yeah. With Tom Segura, Tom Sucora. And Christina Poshita. Welcome to your mom's house. Miao, yeah, ma'am out. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. Miss this tune.

Starting point is 00:04:55 It's so soulful. Oh shit, turn it on. Like a song to be here. So good to be here. Back in. How was it for you hosting solo? Oh, my God. So the pressure was on.

Starting point is 00:05:27 because I've never operated the board. I've never pushed the buttons. The staff here was incredible. They changed the cool guys to be my Gothic heroes. Yeah. It was fun, but I have to say, a little lonely. I need my jeans. It's two mommy's one jeans.

Starting point is 00:05:44 I know. I was here with your substitute last week. Nobody knew. Everyone thought it was you. I know. I was like, oh, she just doesn't talk much, you know. Which is preferable. Hey, did you notice something is back?

Starting point is 00:05:57 in town yeah and guess what it's staying on my side of the goddamn desk the people have spoken tom the fart mic has returned okay now also like i said i don't want you guys to think i've been lazy since i was gone i've done some art also just a reminder fuck around and find out is still for sale what's it at now 50 grand 50 thousand dollars yep wow and the original is you know still there Oh, you've got to be, the pressure is on, and I, oh, here we go. I made some other artwork while I was recovering. This one's like a Cosmic Cat. I really like that one.

Starting point is 00:06:39 Can you show it? Yeah, one second. This pastel, it's very, it's very tricky. This one's, yeah, this one's like cool Cosmic Cat, just kind of a happy guy. Yeah, that's cool. This is when I was on Delotted. The best. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:52 The best. I got to tell you, if you're out there and you've never fucked around with opiates, the best. It's time to start. I really, and then... Especially if your life's a little out order, dive in. This is oxycodone. Nice.

Starting point is 00:07:07 This is... Oh, that's cool. There's a difference between dilaudid and oxies. Yes. This is one I call the MUAP. Get it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. New AP, yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:17 Disclosure is coming. Wow. Oxies. Yeah. And then, this is what I'm most excited for, Tom. Okay. is you are always my muse. And because of your recent body changes and stuff,

Starting point is 00:07:31 I just wanted to commemorate this time in your life for the movie, very exciting and your physique. Hella exciting. And this, I thought, what a beautiful way. I attribute to your beautiful body. If you can see here, your thighs are very muscular. Your six-pack abs are just showing right. through. Look at that chest. Your beard is very full. I gave you some hair because I feel like,

Starting point is 00:08:01 you know, artistic license. Sure. There's, uh, interesting choices. Yeah. Thank you. You think that's, uh, to scale? Yeah. Yeah, I try. I gave you. Yeah. I mean, your belly button's a little high. I could have done better there. Yeah. I gave you some big, beautiful balls. Look at those things. You know, what's interesting is it's only balls. What do you mean? Well, there's a thing that usually sits on top of the balls. You pubs. No, below the pubs. No, the pubs. I gave you voluptuous set of hip. What would you say is the thing that hangs above the balls below the pubs? Do you see it? Yeah, no, I gave you a very realistic penis saying with the rest of the body, this is all to scale. This is exactly what you

Starting point is 00:08:47 look like, nude. Okay, I can tell you're not very excited, but hold on, it gets better. So then Iowa thought to myself, I says to myself self. This is a guy of action. He's dynamic. Yeah. And here we are. Wow. Here's Tom and the bear.

Starting point is 00:09:04 Also, I was thinking in terms of poor Osso's branding. What a fantastic new shirt, a new hat. This? For sure, you're wrestling a powerful bear. Look at you. Hold on. Sure, go ahead. Really enjoy it.

Starting point is 00:09:20 This one I like to see your body. Yeah, it's very flattering. except for a look at your shoulder i really spent a lot of time on the shoulder there do you see something that's not that flattering yeah this the the calf i kind of no the calf looks nice that was not my best work that penis is um perfectly to scale some might say perfectly to scale it looks like a like a pinky toe oh well you know i gave you something some really nice balls and I think that's what's important so I think this should become the new YMH official artwork I'd like to have this up on the set if we could do that

Starting point is 00:10:02 Josh I don't know you know what guys I'm like I'm as an artist I don't want everything to be just for profit thank you yeah that's very flattering thank you for drawing you're welcome yeah I'm excited really special you got it thanks that's what you see can I say that's actually like it's actually kind of fucking good like you're good of drawing I'm not even good at all Do you think the penis is flattering? Well, I think I would have maybe chose a different size, perhaps. What are you talking about? Look, as an artist, I draw what I see.

Starting point is 00:10:34 Yes, I embellished in certain parts, but I think that this is accurate. Very cool. Thank you for that. You're welcome. I'm so glad you like it. I'm so glad you like it forever. And I just want to draw you in different poses, holding cats. Just like that would be nice.

Starting point is 00:10:50 Yeah. Thank you for that. You're very talented. Thank you. Fuck around and find out has a signed prints that are going to be on sale. I'm selling those now. You can grab those and maybe she will grant this to the store one day. It's really cool.

Starting point is 00:11:05 Tom and the Bear? We'll see. I don't know. If the demand is there, we'll do it. But I don't want to, I just want to be that kind of an artist. Like, I do it for the thrill. Let's talk about, how do you feel about getting out of your own way by putting things in your ass? Um, just like most people, I've been wearing underwear all my life. I haven't really strayed

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Starting point is 00:15:18 Not so close to the... Jesus, Tyler. Jesus fucking Christ. Draw him next. You're telling me all that air? I have nudes. You can just use one of the photos I have. I don't think they're wrong.

Starting point is 00:15:31 He sends me nudes. Go ahead. Did Tyler? That's true. He does? Yeah, usually on Mondays, yeah. Wow. He's like, new week, new look, and it's usually him just nude and a pose.

Starting point is 00:15:41 I love it. Don't ever stop sending me a little, Tyler. I want to see his nudes. No. it's personal but maybe if he grants me one to pass on me do guys send you nudies do men yeah no but men write vile things to me would you say that your primary sexual demographic is dudes yes who are come yeah i mean the the messages that i get yeah like dudes i get the whole thing dudes are so cool i get to feel like a woman i get i get things from like they'll be like looking good or like

Starting point is 00:16:16 yes daddy this is a hot whatever look on you or like you know what i can't get enough like all those like kind of like you know it's it's a compliment and then the next tier is like god i'd love to eat your ass and like can we find the profiles of these gentlemen i don't want to get into it i'm not no i don't want to highlight them but they're like bears right like sometimes sometimes it's totally not a bear look it's just some dude and his profile is just like whatever music and you know shit whatever he's into like seemingly you know just regular shit and then he's just like god I'd love if you sat on my face where I just came to this photo and you're like what the fuck man so wild it's wild and you're like oh this is what

Starting point is 00:17:03 chicks go through yeah yeah you know what I've been obsessed with Carl Lagerfeld I watched this series called Carl before Lagerfeld it's a French show dude pull up that quote that's so funny Oh, dude. Is the one you sent? Oh, shit. I don't have my phone. I have it. Dude, he's such a hero.

Starting point is 00:17:19 Pull up an image of Carl Lagerfeld. Absolutely. He's so German. Everything about, he doesn't give a fuck. He just says what's in his heart, you know? Okay, that's Carl Lagerfeld. For people that don't know, he was a legend in fashion. He reinvented Chanel.

Starting point is 00:17:35 He did such a good job. And, you know, he was a staple of fashion for fucking 50 years. And then take a look, look at him. And then he says, you sent me this today he goes yes some people say to me you're too skinny but never a skinny person says that to me only people who could lose a few pounds say that which is just such a great great quote and then the other one is he said oh this is so funny sweatpants are a sign of defeat you lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants which is not untrue because

Starting point is 00:18:07 during COVID I think that was the first time I really got into wearing sweatpants yeah and that It is like, it is on, like, some people will be like, whatever, I love them, they're comfy. And you're like, yeah, it is still, you're like, well, fuck it. I've given up. Yeah, it's a little bit of a give up. There you go. Sweat pants and he's German. Sweatpants are a sign of defeat.

Starting point is 00:18:27 You lost control of your life. So you bought some sweatpants. He's the best, dude. I mean, he dressed like that. That's the guy saying that. He's amazing. He's amazing. He's the best.

Starting point is 00:18:38 Yes. Some people say to me, y'all's too skinny. but never a skinny person says that to me only people who could lose a few pounds and I also like that he didn't like fat models because he was like look it's about the fantasy okay that's why we hire 15 year olds

Starting point is 00:18:54 they are skinny naturally and people are like what he's just saying the truth I'm not going to throw my clothes on a pig I'm not going to throw my clothes on a pig what sizes do we have zero to four literally that's fashion especially Ote Couture

Starting point is 00:19:15 but my favorite part about Carl Lagerfeld in this show about his life is that he was a homosexual but an asexual homosexual which to me it's like defeating the purpose of being a gay man like isn't the raddest part about that is just like fucking all the time

Starting point is 00:19:32 especially a successful fashion gay man I know can you imagine the amount of cock this guy could have had in his life. Brow. Insane. Bro.

Starting point is 00:19:43 Yeah. He could just all day. Yeah. And he just passed that up. Yeah. Suckinzee the coxins all day long. I'm calling. But he wasn't interested in come.

Starting point is 00:19:53 Yeah. But he wasn't interested in come, which is so crazy. So strange. So not gay, if you would. No, it's such an anomaly. It's an anomaly totally. An asexual. Here, there's polarity because this tissue is the exact same tissue as this tissue.

Starting point is 00:20:08 Yeah. the two ends of the spectrum. And in between those two, there is an electrical connection. Yes. And when you said that, I was laughing so hard because the first thing that I did when I tried, because I was having issues with my hips and my pelvis. I got fucked. And I knew it in clinic.

Starting point is 00:20:24 I knew the one thing I need to do is rotate the fashion there. I took my wife put it up my ass and turned it and sat on it and bare down on it and started breathing and it unraveled the inside of my intestine, my organs, because our emotions, our organs are connected to our emotions. For sure. I'm saying this. No asshole in a holy hole. It's a way that we move through the wall and there's a blockage, just a blockage.

Starting point is 00:20:50 And so you're right. Most guys should have something shoved up there. Yeah, most guys. And if you're out there and you have hip issues, you know, or something's going on, your knees. Your calves are tight. Your calves are tight. Dude, shove a dildo up your ass.

Starting point is 00:21:02 Sit on it, move around. And you'll see. And then eat the banana for potassium. There you go. But shove it up your ass first. Yeah. That guy's got to stick up in this, right? We say it for a reason.

Starting point is 00:21:12 We say it for a reason. There needs to be unwinding there. And there's even this extra taboo, the dark place where our shit is stored. Yeah. So when we go up there, we go demon hunting up. Right? We're inviting that to unwind, to open, to release. So can I tell you something biological?

Starting point is 00:21:31 Yeah, please. Sure. Is that when you bear down, you always bear down because your digestion always goes in one direction you always bear down in one way and the the rectum through the large intestine is but and and when you unravel the epithereal tissue at the it actually will unravel all the way through up to the throat oh wow and that was one of the it was literally one the most when I when I learned about the fascia I'm like took a ball put it up my a ball twisted and held it there

Starting point is 00:22:06 And I thought, well, that did it. That's not a day one move. Why a ball? I took a ball and I put it in my ass. There's precursor objects. Would you start with a ball? I don't think anyone should start with a ball. I would start with a pinky or, you know, the little homie.

Starting point is 00:22:21 Yeah. Put the little one in there. Or even a suppository. I got used to doing that. Yeah. It took once or twice and now I'm an expert. That's awesome. I know.

Starting point is 00:22:31 Maybe a ball is next for you. A ball. A ball. A ball. He put a ball in his eyes. A ball, babe. Yeah, nothing crazy. You get like a softball or something.

Starting point is 00:22:38 Some. Yeah. I would put a football because the shape is good. But the big thing, if you're going to put balls and lampshades and everything in your ass, you know, tie a string to it. The big problem is people lose it in their ass. So true. And then it feels great.

Starting point is 00:22:55 And you're like, I wish I could keep it forever, but you can't. So true. So you don't want to have to do an ER visit, you know. So true, like tampons. There's a reason. There's a string. That's right. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:04 That's right. You want it lost in your cooch, even though it feels so good. I love bleeding. I love this whole process. Yeah. Do you think he's a doctor? Like, how did he?

Starting point is 00:23:15 No. No. I don't think so. Just the internet wisdom? Yeah. There's electricity between your asshole and your throat. You know, he's just kind of talking about what he likes. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:24 Yeah. But it's important. You know, it's important to have these conversations. It is. Especially if you have hip issues. I actually loved ass worship because I'm like, I think a lot of women, would do that if they knew more about it.

Starting point is 00:23:38 Yeah. So can you paint me a picture of what an evening of ass worship has looked like in the past? Yeah, so I had this one ass worshipper, and we have met regularly, but he had bought this new chair. And so he started on me when I opened the door, he had like this chair. I'm like, what is that? You know? So he was excited to show to me, and he was like, look, I can eat your ass with this chair.

Starting point is 00:23:58 So he pulls it out and it's like two straps that kind of hold my ass cheeks open. And then like, so now he's just able to lay under my eyes. ass like he doesn't have to worry about spray anything I don't have to worry about spray anything and my asshole is just on full display for him to look at it worship it kiss it yeah put a ball in there yeah hmm cool right it sounds like we need to get a chair make your life easier you know that is a different level to your sex life when you're buying furniture to fuck yeah and then the kids are like what is that mom and you're like I have tight hips I have to sit in this to loosen them.

Starting point is 00:24:38 They're like, oh, okay. I know. I was friends with a couple. I worked with a couple one time, and they were together for like 20 years, kind of like we are. Furniture, right? Yeah, and he's like, we have a swing. We have a swing. And I was like, ugh, like I just, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:24:55 Oh, there it is. Is that on Amazon? It sure is. Wow, they really do have everything. Oh, and then you can pull those straps, the straps looks like to pull your head up. Wow. So you don't have to like, you know what I mean? It supports your head.

Starting point is 00:25:07 Oh, yeah. Oh, there it is. The face rider. Amazon. That's crazy to me. They got, Amazon's like, what, you want to fucking sit on someone's face? They got no limits, dude. Did you get your zero sugar root beer?

Starting point is 00:25:20 Do you want to get this to? Your Halloween costume. Jesus Christ. And your queening chair? That's amazing. I had no idea that Amazon was in this sector. Well, let me tell you, I ordered a scar massageer for my breast. and it looked awfully a lot like a dildo.

Starting point is 00:25:38 And I was a little embarrassed. Yeah. It's like waterproof. You know what I don't like about this artwork, though? This cover? She looks like she's barely like, she's like, this is all for him. Like she's not enjoying it at all. Look at the level of disinterest in that look.

Starting point is 00:25:53 She's dead inside. Yeah. Yeah. She's also doing ass chair worship photos. And it is vegan leather, which thank God for that. That's so nice. like the people that love sex toys are also concerned about shit like that.

Starting point is 00:26:10 I don't know why that's, that diagram works. Yeah. But they're like, I want to see where it's easier to eat my partner's ass. Hey, is this environmentally friendly? So true.

Starting point is 00:26:20 I don't know why. Yeah, it is a Venn diagram of like the non-binary type communities too and intentionality and feelings. And then animals. We got to care for the animals. I love that the last sentence is easy to clean. Most people can't name all their financial accounts. Old 401Ks, investments, even cash just sitting idle.

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Starting point is 00:28:56 The code is mom. And like he's handcuffed to it as well. Yeah. He has no choice but to eat her ass. Yeah. And he's like, I want to get out of here. And she's like, sorry. This is it. It's definitely the girl's idea.

Starting point is 00:29:10 Yeah. This is developed for and by women for sure. Yeah. Chicks just love building torture chairs for dudes. That's fine cool. This is such a chick thing. Oh, up to 440 pounds. That's a big bitch

Starting point is 00:29:25 Oh shit Jesus Christ I don't want to eat anyone's ass It's 440 Oh my God Look we were watching a show Yesterday and one of the lesbians Was very overweight

Starting point is 00:29:36 And I was like Can you imagine What the pussy smells like I remember Yeah I'm just thinking as a woman I can say that right Yeah sure

Starting point is 00:29:46 I mean it's not outer But yeah I would never say who this person was It was a big bitch But I was like dude Yeah He's stinky But do you think that's

Starting point is 00:29:54 a thing, like maybe that's why some gentlemen like. Yeah, of course. Because they like the musk. Yeah, of course. Yeah. 440 pounds. They're like, are you clean? Get out of here. Yeah. A thousand percent. I'll tell you who is clean. Oh, hello. Oh, hello there.

Starting point is 00:30:16 Hi. You want to come in here and want to start with me and join me I could see you with him. I didn't even. I need. I need them. He's like you with him. I like that he's wearing the glasses in the shower. Why didn't even think about that? They're completely fogged up. He's like, I need them. Because how is he, he's taping himself, taping himself? No, his partner is. I've got a sandwich. It's fun. It's fun.

Starting point is 00:30:56 Fun, good, fun. I've heard fun a lot. It's so great. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, I wish we were so tight on. And then that got posted. He was like, I'm posting this shit.

Starting point is 00:31:08 This is my thirst trap. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. That's tight, dude. But I will give him a 10 out of 10 for creativity. Because you don't see the cool guys come out. you from the shower. It's always just in a chair. They're so lazy. They're shirtless. There's a fan. I'd like a deep dive on this guy. He's pretty cool. Please let me know what's going on in his life.

Starting point is 00:31:32 This is the don't message me if you're black guy. Josh just read. That's the guy. That's him. That's the guy. That's the guy. That's unfucking believable. This guy has hey, be white only standard. Yeah. This guy. This guy's like you're not well. Welcome in my shower if you're by. That's so awesome. Fuck yeah, dude. Have you seen those memes where they're reading comments to like Margo Robbie are these highly beautiful women?

Starting point is 00:32:05 Yeah. And they're like, she really let herself go. Would a pig. And they always go to the guy's profile and he's a monster. It's so good. That is an unbelievable account. It's so good. It's such a brilliant thing.

Starting point is 00:32:18 It's a dive on the comments. left on essentially just beautiful women's pages and then they show you who left the comment and it's it's it's fantastic we should find that yeah let's find it i think it's on tick because this is the guy who's like hey yeah he's like hey bitch put that sandwich down i liked her better when she wasn't so chunky and you're like what who who are you who are you yeah but he is like hey yeah no don't have kids no blackies better have a job no kids don't be yeah yeah Oh, yeah, these are great. Let's see.

Starting point is 00:32:53 And men respond. Boy, did that figure go south. That's this guy. Time to hit the gym, girl. Let's see John. There's John. And she's post part of. Kind of chunky deer.

Starting point is 00:33:08 You better, that guy. Better work out. Just a cute face. Shoulders down, nothing. Yeah, that's good. She fell flat. Yeah. Okay, Lucas.

Starting point is 00:33:19 Oh, he's cute. makeup is the devil oh okay frankie well yeah wow her dimensions have surely shifted it's a lot of spray tan yeah women age like milk okay I mean she just had a baby and she still looks amazed yeah that's shit's so funny it's crazy it is crazy yeah so crazy yeah so that's his standards too he is like i demand these things oh men's response to tay he's so mid yeah that's what it is this is the one i was thinking of yeah go down further let's see who's um megan fox let's see what they say about me back to me fox let's go but still has hammer thumbs that guy yeah still looks like yeah yep i prefer the plastic free version

Starting point is 00:34:15 did anybody ask you train wreck train wreck looking like an alien that's not a very big fish as long as the domestic goddess girl still stands so you wonder to look like Megan Fox

Starting point is 00:34:34 and also be your mommy no offense but there's at least three employees at my local sprouts market that I would much rather spend time with okay yeah you should I mean those are cool Two vows. IDK, she looks like every girl in the club

Starting point is 00:34:47 after 12 on a Friday night. They all look the same. Ugh. Is that a makeupless clown? Okay. Yeah, I think we got it. Yeah, it's just ridiculous. But that's the delusion.

Starting point is 00:35:03 This dude, it's like, I deserve, I deserve the best. God, I wish I had just an ounce of that. You know? I fight so hard to have just, like, a ounce of self-esteem. This guy is like, you know what I mean? Sure, yeah. God damn.

Starting point is 00:35:24 This is kind of fun. This kind of guy that leaves him for me. Chances are you've seen him. Try to get to the restaurant. Sympathized with his wheelchair, his drawn hands. His story ripped at your heart. They didn't give me money in two-d something. Lexington police say he's taken his act on tour of the city to places like the Lansdown shops,

Starting point is 00:35:50 Hamburg, and the Zandale Corridor of Nicholasville Road. We busted this bogus beggar right outside the police department, just minutes after a press conference about it. I'm the best in Lex. I appreciate you guys busting me. Yeah, I'm really good at it, really good. I think about $100,000 a year doing this. $100,000 a year. Yeah, about $60,000 to $100.

Starting point is 00:36:14 Be boy. I'm just playing. I got to go, y'all. I got to make some money. He was back at it again. Money fun, fool, fuck, dude. Pretty cool, right? He is really, he plays a better tard than, like, Leonardo DeCabrio.

Starting point is 00:36:33 That was pretty good. That's Gary Thompson. That's really good. We should get into acting. Pull up, like, what's eating Gilbert grape. I mean, that was really convincing. Leonardo was still too attractive to play Yeah

Starting point is 00:36:46 He was really good looking when he was doing that He was like a teen Right? He was just so handsome Yeah, this is the key This guy Gary has been He can walk, has been caught using the money He gets for cocaine Yeah

Starting point is 00:37:01 So yeah that's somebody who Was suspicious of him at one point Is watched him and then figured out That he was faking it How long did he do Oh, my God. Dad's dead. Arnie.

Starting point is 00:37:18 Arnie. Oh, look at Johnny Depp. See, it's like Johnny Depp can't play that either. Neither could Leonardo. He's still real good Johnny time. Oh, my God, look at him. Look at the hair. I know.

Starting point is 00:37:34 This and the Edward Scissorhand's time? Yeah. I mean, okay, hold on. Yeah. I mean, this is Sophie's choice, but. Brad Pitt and Fight Club like prime Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp

Starting point is 00:37:46 and what's eating Gilbert Grave Time What are you fucking stupid? I mean look at Brad Yeah it's BP all the way dude Yeah The pit stop your best friend

Starting point is 00:37:58 Oh look everyone has their So if you polled people There would definitely be a lot of people That prefer Johnny For sure that's just the way of the world world's Well those are two different vibes It's a different vibe It's a different vibe

Starting point is 00:38:08 Okay hold on But that's the best B.P. It's the best. This is the tight of BP. So Johnny's more of like the sensitive thumb ring guy. Yeah, also. Chocolat. BP and Fight Club is a goddamn psychopath.

Starting point is 00:38:23 Yeah, it's so hot. It's a cool aesthetic, but he's fucking a lunatic. Yeah. They're both worthy aesthetics. Yeah. But like, oh, God, it's so tough. Because Johnny Depp will like read you poetry. He's definitely going to play some songs, which I know you love.

Starting point is 00:38:39 I hate the accrued. Acoustic is hard. He's going to have six bottles of wine. Oh, fuck, I know, I know, I do. That's a best part. And he gets too drunk and then I'll yell at you. And he's like, fucking bitch. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:53 But then, but here's the thing. He and that Amber heard they would fuck and fight. Yeah. I mean, that was an electric relationship. That's a good relationship. Yeah. It's great. So if you're into that, then Johnny's your guy.

Starting point is 00:39:05 But he knew. He knew. This pussy's wild. And he knew it had to get out there. Amber? Yeah. Of course. I'm sure it's just bananas. But yo, was he throwing around like Kate Moss and shit back in the day, you think?

Starting point is 00:39:16 Yeah, he was banging whoever he was. But was he throwing them, but was he like doing this Johnny Depp thing where he was drinking a lot and cursing at them and stuff? Because Kate's cool. She wouldn't say. But also, here's the thing, though, that trial kind of revealed that like, yeah, he likes his wine. Yeah. But he wasn't an abusive prick. She was fucking psychotic.

Starting point is 00:39:37 Of course. That's what that whole trial revealed. Yeah, it was kerosene and gasoline. The two of them were just like, caracine and fire, I guess, yeah. Wow. All right. I can't believe we chose Brad Pitt to fuck over Johnny Depp. I'm like, it's like, do I even know you?

Starting point is 00:39:53 I don't even marry? Do you? All right. Let's take a quick break. We'll be right back. And we are back and we're super excited today. You can see this gentleman nightly at the Luxor in Vegas. Wow.

Starting point is 00:40:04 Go to carrotop.com for tickets. It's carrottop. Oh, my goodness. Hi, thank you for having me. Hell yeah, dude. Very nice. Thank you. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:40:12 Even your producers, thank you of here, clapping over there. Hell yeah, man. Everyone's still here. Yeah, this is awesome. This is awesome, dude. You've been performing for a long time. Yeah. And you've been in Vegas for a long time.

Starting point is 00:40:26 Yeah, almost 30 years. That's insane to me. You know, I used to have this thing where I was go like, because when you start working as a comic and you get Vegas offers, you know, you're making, let's say on the road, you're making 1,200 bucks a week, they go, hey, we've got to offer for you. You go to Vegas, you're going to make two grand this week. And you're like, what the fuck? And then they go, and you're going to do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Starting point is 00:40:48 And you're like, huh? Two shows a night? No, literally. I have, the clubs, they do that. There's like three shows on a night. And I would get fucking depressed, dude, doing that. Because also you realize, you're like. I get depressed just doing one.

Starting point is 00:40:59 Yeah. But it's like the atmosphere and you realize like you don't, you don't have, you can't afford actually anything. It's an illusion. Sure. And then you're like, oh, I just want to be able to pay my bills, but I'm spending six days here. And then so you're like, you're in the consumer city, and it's like, don't consume anything. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:21 It's a kind of a mind. And then you eat your meals in the cafeteria. No, it's, I'm lucky because I have a house there. So I don't. But for the first couple months, of course, yeah, the hotel life and you do, it's very depressing. Yes. You got to get out of there. Yeah, it's like being on a cruise ship that has that's, that's, you know, the hotel life.

Starting point is 00:41:38 that's locked. It's the same people. You just got to, you have to get out of there. So get a house, get a house and get out of that norm. It's nice. That made it easier. So now Vegas feels home. Yeah, it's home.

Starting point is 00:41:49 And, you know, it's the best gig in the world. I mean, you know, you leave your house, go in, do the show, go home. That's great. I suppose getting on a plane. But it's still, you know, it's work. It's six nights a week. I do, I do, I do six shows a week. So it's not an easy, it's not a slide through, you know.

Starting point is 00:42:07 No, and how long is your show? It's about too long. It's about an hour and a half. Damn, a hour and a half. Yeah. And you still have, like, the one thing that, you know, two tours ago, I was doing doubles every night, right? Yeah. All over.

Starting point is 00:42:22 So it would be like, I'd be in a city and do two Tuesday, two Wednesday, two, Thursday, two, I know. And then I, you know, I'm 46. And on this tour, I was like, hey, man, I can't do it. I can't do that anymore. Right, no doubt. I don't understand how the stamina. I like just one anyhow, but just for. purple just not only for me

Starting point is 00:42:39 I just think one show you're putting it all into it. Yes. I think every, ever going way back when I was playing clubs when they had two or three shows you're at the crowd you're there. The people already lined up outside for the second one. Yeah. It feels like it's not a special to me. I agree. You know I mean? They're in there doing it and then we're going to do the same thing to another. I like the one crowd,

Starting point is 00:42:59 one thing. You give it your all and then and then that's it. One show. But everything you got into it. Now you started in Florida you said? Florida. Yeah. That's where you're from? Yeah. Where in Florida? Well, actually, Rockledge, but it's Coco. Oh, Cocoa Beach. Yeah, well, Cocoa, not Coco Beach. That's what's funny.

Starting point is 00:43:15 So people always say, I'd say, Cocoa Beach. I'm like, well, there's Cocoa Beach. I'm like, well, there's Cocoa, shithole, and then there's Merritt Island, and then there's Cocoa Beach. Right, they're very different. Yeah, we don't have running water in Cocoa. You don't go to Cocoa Beach, there's a surf shop and there's things. And is that where you went to high school and all that, too? Yeah, Cocoa High School.

Starting point is 00:43:31 Okay. Wow. So I was in Vero Beach, which is not too far. Yeah, no. The Dodgers used to. Spring training there. They had spring training there for like 50 years until one of the guys that bought it

Starting point is 00:43:42 was like, we're not doing that anymore. And that depressed the entire time. Yeah. But we used to go to Coco to watch shuttle launches, right? Yeah, that's where my dad worked. My dad worked at the Space Center. That's rad. So we, I watched, you know, every launch known to mankind.

Starting point is 00:43:56 And what's funny now, because looking back on it, you're like, I want, you know, I wanted to ride my bike. I wanted to go watch Brady Buncher and Partridge family. I didn't want to go to a launch. Yeah. And so my dad's like, no, we're going to a long, you know, you meet all the ass, you're shaking hands with John Young and John, you know, Neil Armstrong and shit. You don't even know it. Holy shit. And then as you get older, you realize, oh, I got to meet like real rock stars. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:20 Real astronauts, you know, and you're watching a real rocket, you know. I remember one time we took, I must have been like a sophomore, I think, in high school. We took the bus, like a school bus from Vero up to Coco, and the launch was in the evening. And so it's dark out. And then when that thing launched, it stayed daylight from the rocket busers for like seven minutes. Yeah, and the thunder of the rocket. I mean, it's a real deal, right? It's really incredible. So now the electric ones, you know, launch is going to go, the old days, it's a guttural thing.

Starting point is 00:44:55 Big sonic boom. It's awesome. It's great. It's awesome, dude. Yeah. Was your father like an engineer? Yeah. Smart guy.

Starting point is 00:45:02 Very. I don't know how. I must have been, I would say my show up. My whole adopted life, I wanted to, because my brother was an Air Force Academy graduate F-16 pilot. My dad worked at NASA, and I have, you know, walkers with dildo strap tombs. And, you know, it's, you know, it's different. Oh, we get it. I'm kind of fascinated by this aspect of it, because, like, everybody knows you do props.

Starting point is 00:45:24 Yeah, sure. It's part of your show. Like, I met a high-level magician one time, and we were talking, and I was like, look, I'm not asking you, tell me how you do the trick. but like I'm asking you like what's the process like of like how are you going to dive into one of your magic trip you know we had a conversation about that

Starting point is 00:45:42 do you like see things and go I got to like I'll make a joke for this or does the joke kind of come and then you support it with a prop both both yeah sometimes I'll see something and I'm just like there's something fun I mean you know on the road for years we just driving on the road

Starting point is 00:45:58 and there'd be a yard sale and of course you know it's it's cracked for me so I'd be like stop We've got to go through the yard. And I would just roam and I'd see objects like one was a little toilet. It was just a mini toilet. It was, you know, 50 cents, whatever way. I would have paid $100 for it. It was a little toilet.

Starting point is 00:46:16 So I just had it on the bus for a couple days. I'm like, there's something funny about a little toilet. So then I thought, I know what it'll be. It'll be a plate for bulimics. So I made a plate and then you strap it to the toilet. So you could eat and throw up at the same time. And it was like my, you know, it was one of my closers, as you say, back in the the day. And I remember doing that on the Tonight Show, and Gary Shandling was a guest,

Starting point is 00:46:37 and I was just, I was so nerve-wracked, right? Because he, he was, sometimes the guest leaves, sometimes he said, you know, I'm going to stay and watch Karen. I was like, oh, God, I'm, you know, I'm performing in front of my, one of my heroes. And I'm thinking, oh, this is so dumb. I'm, you know, all this crap I'm doing. I kept looking over, and he was dying. So, he sat down on the commercial break. And all he said was, play for bulimics. And he said, that is genius. And I just thought, oh, good. He just loved it. And he just loved it. And he just loved it. And then he went over and said, how did you, because a lot of people say, where do you, where do you find all this shit? I'm like, no, I make it.

Starting point is 00:47:08 I don't, I don't find, Regis always said that to me. For like nine years, I would do the, the plate for Blamix. They, I would do, um, Regis said, I'd kill her, I'd do great show. And at the end, he said, I this guy, huh? Where does he find this stuff? And I said, well, no, I don't, I make it. Like, we just thought I just found a plate for bulimics and someone already made that. And I just, oh, wow, you know, I wish they did.

Starting point is 00:47:30 It makes my job a lot easier. have to actually construct this stuff. Construct it. I got into that with Kill Tony last night. We were doing the show when he, you know, he said something. Because it was one that adds, it was, you know, it took some thought into it. Most of them do. There's a thought process.

Starting point is 00:47:47 It's not just a, like he said, oh, you just take a Sharpie and put it on a beer. So if you like to eat or you drink and write, I'm like, no, that's not the, that's not a problem. It has to be somewhat inventive. It does. Yeah. So. A little bit of my dad's brain. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:05 And so how often do you have to like turn over a show? Like do you, is it like, or it's always evolving? It's only my, for me, my, what I, unless I'm doing like shows where I want to, I have to, like, when I do the tonight shows all the time, you have to have a new, a new set. Sure. You can't do the same set. So I'm always writing. I think that's one of my favorite things about this job is the creative process of writing all the time. Not only for me, but I think for the audience, because the audience, you know, we did get turnaround.

Starting point is 00:48:32 We have a lot of, you know, how many people have been to the show. And, you know, sometimes people have been there 19 times. Oh, wow. So you're like, oh, yeah, I got to get, I got to get another plate for blamic joke. Yeah, yeah. A new one. A new one. So it's always good for me and my crew and for the audience because they know it.

Starting point is 00:48:47 They're savvy. I mean, the crowds know, like, that's a new one. That's great. Yeah, that's fucking rad. And topical. If it's something very topical, people, like last night, we went and Tony's like, now that's topical. So I say, I get credit. I get bonus points.

Starting point is 00:48:58 I mean, it's in the news, you know. Yeah. Yeah. It's incredible. Just the stamina to do what you do, the nightly shows. So, wait, when you're in Vegas, is it seven nights? Six, six. Six. What day, take off Sunday, Sunday, the Lord's Day?

Starting point is 00:49:13 Yeah. And then you do your worship. I would like, like, what is it? What's the chicken place that closes in Sunday? Chick-fil-A. Yeah, we're like Chick-fil-A. We close in Sundays. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:49:22 And you do have a lot of energy, too. Like, you're a high-energy guy. Yeah. Like right now, I'm pretty about. Like, I know, I don't think I didn't. We flew all the way. We've been flying. But, no, it's, yeah, you find the, you find the energy, as you know that, right?

Starting point is 00:49:38 Yeah. You find the energy in stage. It's a different, different, when you get into the zone, you know. Anytime we met with, you work with comics that older, I mean, literally George Burns. I was blessed to, I was on a comic relief, and they wheeled George Burns right next to him. I'm standing there. I was going to go on after him, and he was just sitting there in the chair, and he was just, I, it was just like, oh, my, first I'm just like, oh, my, guys, George Burns. And then they handed him his cigar and they said, ladies gentlemen, George Burns, and they got him.

Starting point is 00:50:08 And he almost ran out there and just killed. And then he came up, sat in the chair, and again, I said he used all that energy to get to that set. But I'm not quite there yet. You're not quite there. I'm sitting my chair and they go, Scott, and what's that? We've got to go. But you're also fucking shocked. Where's my cigar?

Starting point is 00:50:25 That's from carrying all my hate mail. You got to carry all this shit around the country all these years. But that's true. What prompted your fitness? I always worked out when I was in my junior high. I got into wrestling. So I always worked out when I was 13, 14, 15, all the way through high school. I was on the swim team.

Starting point is 00:50:45 I didn't realize. But that's a little, I think that was more, that's not me now. But I got pretty, I got pretty, you know, gigantic. And what's weird is when you're calm, like, you're not allowed to be in shape. No. No, you're in shape. You're like, what's wrong with you? Well, it's like this, though.

Starting point is 00:51:02 it's like if you went on stage and like took your shirt off but i would never do no i know you wouldn't but like what i'm saying is people would look at this and go all right like the men are feeling like threatened right the women are like wow and then you're like no one's listening to you they're just distracted and some men are going yeah some guys are going like i like this too we were talking about that with tom do you have a lot of dudes that that like you tom gets a lot of dude oh yeah we got a I always find that funny because people say, man, you know, gay bar and some guy hit on me. I'm like, be thrilled. You should be excited that someone, anyone hits on you. You should be happy. Right? Yeah. Man, woman, animal. Anyone that likes you, you should be very happy.

Starting point is 00:51:44 Yeah. I mean, it's super flattering. Very flattering. Yeah. Do you have a relationship? Are you able to... Just all my props and me with my people, you know. No, I don't, I'm not in anything, yeah. Yeah, it's got to be hard, I imagine, because you're performing six nights away. Is it hard? Or is it Vegas. It's the best. Shut up. You shut your mouth. No, it's the best.

Starting point is 00:52:04 Yeah, no. I chose, I mean, I could probably have a relationship. No shit. But, yeah, of course you're good. But I know. I mean, I've had them in the past. And I just, I find, I find life more fun. I just, I'm on the go and everywhere.

Starting point is 00:52:19 Even having a dog, I had a dog forever. And it was just the hardest thing traveling and worrying about anybody. Do you still travel a lot, though? Not as much. We do some road shows. The Vegas show consumes a lot of, at 240 shows a year. Jesus Christ. My manager has a car payment, you know, someone has to do something.

Starting point is 00:52:38 I was going to say, you're stacking checks, bro. You got no ex-wives, no ex-wives. You're just sitting on a mountain money in Vegas. Well, trying to stay in. Yeah. But I live in Florida and Vegas. So look at that. So people always say, hey, you're pretty smart.

Starting point is 00:52:54 You picked the two. I said, well, no, I was born in one. And I live working the other one. Sure. Kind of didn't plan it. But it's not an accident. Yeah, sure. Well, do you have fun with your money?

Starting point is 00:53:04 I don't buy anything. I'm more of this weird. But I'm not like Jay Leno, why. I don't know if I don't know my, tonight's all money. I just do. I pay what he does. I know. It's a night show, money.

Starting point is 00:53:15 No, it is funny. But, you know, I don't know it's a nice of money. Yeah. I have like, you know, one car. And in fact, I tried getting on Jay Leno, because I've been the Tonight show thousands of times. And we had the car show. I said to one night.

Starting point is 00:53:27 I said, hey, put me on your, you know, I was on your, you know, I was on your Tonight Show. 35 put me on the car show and he's like uh oh you know that car i said no i know nothing about cars but it'd still be fun to be on he's like well no you got to know about cars i said no the thing is i don't know shit about cars yeah that's what makes me funny you bring me on and you're like you know i'm my car then you just you talk about the cars yeah and i learn like where's the carburetor at yeah you know i don't need to know but he's uh he's a he's a he's a he's one you know leno was the really the like regis and leno's and all those guys when

Starting point is 00:53:57 i first started they were so good to me they were every time i had a new set they would say you know come on and jay would get so much slack he'd tell me he's i go through airports and i'm like how can he keep fucking carrotop he's like he always brings the guns he brings the thing you know he does the thing really then people were giving them shit yeah because of the comics like you know why you have carrotop on every other week he's like i don't he delivers yeah i said i'm sorry jim how to do you no no you fuck them you know he's great i love i just like see jay when he says fuck because you don't see on connect you it's so silly And then you're backstage like, hey, it's fucking anthony.

Starting point is 00:54:32 But you did come up at a time where you had to be squeaky clean. Because if you wanted to have a career. I did state fairs. I did state fairs. I mean, college is weird because I would do a college on a whatever night. Thursday night, University of Florida. And then on the weekend, I would do a state fair in like Iowa. And it was, you could say anything you wanted to college, some colleges.

Starting point is 00:54:56 and then you're at a state fair where it's G and then the next night was a theater where I could do whatever I wanted so it was very So you had the pivot you're at Yeah I mean it was so It was challenging which was good But it would be really hard

Starting point is 00:55:09 Yeah you know And then next night your back hood G right Hey you know hey guys you know And then in the college like Who's fucking out there You know and bongs with mirrors on them You know shit that people wanted to see But see that I don't imagine you

Starting point is 00:55:22 Because I grew up watching The Clean version on television Yeah sure So the fact that you're even saying, like you said I have a walker with dildos, like you just blew my mind. Yeah, a lot of people, they do think that. It's like the Bob Sagget kind of thing. Yeah. Because everyone, of course, Bob Sagitt was, you know, full house and just the cleanest, and they go to the clubs.

Starting point is 00:55:38 He's just raunchy. And people were like, this is not, where's the guy from full house? I opened for him one time. We did a weekend at the improv. I think we were in Brea. And, yeah, like, we met. And I still remember that I was like, oh, how should I bring you up? Like, what should I?

Starting point is 00:55:54 You know, because I was in the habit of. being like, what are the credits? He's like, they know where they're here. Yeah. I go, okay. Which I kind of liked. I respected it, honestly, that he was like, you don't have to tell them. I'm Bob Sagitt, bitch.

Starting point is 00:56:05 He's like, you have to tell them the credits. I was like, okay. And then I brought him up. And then he was like, God, I bet your pussy smells. And I was like, whoa. And it was just like, yeah. Some people are shocked because they haven't seen the shows at the state fairs. And they come to me and they're like, oh, Jesus.

Starting point is 00:56:20 And I will say it's Vegas, you know, it's not your, I'm not your grandpa's carat. But where do you prefer to work? What's your... Well, I mean, I like to have the freedom of doing... All of it. You know, last night at the kiltona, it's such a raw... It's just old school for me. It reminds me of the old clubs when you use...

Starting point is 00:56:39 Smoke-filled people sitting at tables, drinking, and rowdy, and just everything works. Yeah. You know, every joke, it will work. Great crowds. I like those. I mean, I don't... You know, my least favorite would be corporate gigs, unless you're watching. I love being booked for corporate gigs.

Starting point is 00:56:55 Dude, I did a corporate this year, and I still remember getting the call and being like, I don't know, man. And then I was like, yeah, okay, I'll do it. And then being there backstage with my friend and being like, we're about to eat shit, dude. We're about to eat shit here. And we did, dude. We totally fucking ate it. It's a worse feeling. I think I might have said something similar when I was up there.

Starting point is 00:57:17 I said, you guys are eating and now I'm eating. Oh, shit. Yeah. I tell them that, you know. And they're like, they're just horrible. I had one for Starbucks. That was incredible. It was at Bally's in Vegas.

Starting point is 00:57:28 And almost like you're making it up, but the crowd was wired. I mean, like they had all had fucking Starbucks coffees, right? And you walk out and it was just, and it was like a college, you just rock star shit. That's dreams.

Starting point is 00:57:42 Then you do one where it's just, I don't know, if I'm like a company, a tech company. Yeah. And literally crickets. I mean, I think I made a joke,

Starting point is 00:57:49 a prop where it had crickets on it. Just if I do a corporate gig, it's like, this is what, this is happening right now just horrible I did uh look your wounds

Starting point is 00:57:57 and you go back to Vegas I'm a guy I am a comic you actually go you leave those and you're like I got to get on another stage right noise

Starting point is 00:58:04 right away you got or yeah just quit we had we had off a bridge this was a private you know

Starting point is 00:58:09 corporate event and it was in Arizona at a really nice like resort and right before I'm like when am I going up they're like

Starting point is 00:58:15 you're going to be up in a minute and they they go hold on a second and then this woman goes on stage and she's like there are children

Starting point is 00:58:22 that are dying and we're going to do an auction real quick for like fundraising for the kids in like El Salvador and I was like oh boy and then they transitioned from and by the no one was bidding

Starting point is 00:58:35 so they were like 3,000 and no one's bidding 2,000 like lowering the price for the kids and then they put it then they transitioned on the screen welcome comedy superstar and I was like

Starting point is 00:58:50 and I walked out and nobody clapped dude No, everyone's like, what fuck is this? We share something very similar. Yeah? Yeah. I know a lot of comics have had that happen. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:00 Did the Jerry Lewis Telethon. It made me think of this, this is exact. This is true. God strike me dead. So I'm on, Ed McMahon is going to bring me out. And Jerry goes out like a breaking news. He walked by, and I'll be right back, stay ready kid. And he went out.

Starting point is 00:59:18 He wasn't supposed to. But Ed was going to bring me out. And he said, this just in. And he said, one of our children has just passed away. Oh, I mean, like right now, right? Like right now. He's holding the note.

Starting point is 00:59:30 He's shaking it, reading it. He's like, you know, Timothy, so on it, and they pulled a picture of him up. And he's, everyone's crying. Everyone. I'm crying. Ed McMahon is, we're all fucking dying. And all I did was look over Edd, I said,

Starting point is 00:59:44 he's not bringing me up, is he? And he said, he might. And I said, well, he wouldn't do that. He says, he might. And sure shit, he's just done. He goes, well, if anybody can make everybody feel better now, is this guy. No. Sware God.

Starting point is 00:59:59 You know, same thing. Comedy. And Karatop. And I'm like, are you, you have no time to think. So you go out and you hug them and you wipe your tears down. And I go, hi. And like five jokes in, still nothing. The band, I finally get the band.

Starting point is 01:00:12 I said, you know, when the band, when I got the band, then they all started to loosen up. But the whole set was just disastrous. And I came off and Jerry said, I did that because you're a pro. You're the only one that could do it. I said, well, don't ever fucking do that to me again. Yeah, that was horrible, dude. Yeah. I think it was Sickler, our friend, Ryan Sickler, who did, he got, he got booked to do the Christmas party for the robbery homicide division of LAPD.

Starting point is 01:00:35 Oh, shit. And he said that they're like, all right, we're going to have some laughs. But first, first, let's take a moment to our fallen brothers from this. And they talked about officers that had died during the year. And they're like, all right, let's laugh it up now. No. Everybody had a moment. I forgot all those dead people.

Starting point is 01:00:53 All right. Yeah. That never happened. You got me thinking, nothing to my brain. So, LAPD. Yeah. This is crazy.

Starting point is 01:01:00 Jerry Lewis again. This is when it was in L.A. I had gone up. This is a little more fun, but it was still weird. I had had all these O.J. jokes, right? Because O.J. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:08 That's a good time for comedy. Right? Yeah. I had a belt that had bloody gloves from the belcrow to the belt so you could, you know, toss them on the, you know,

Starting point is 01:01:16 because they were planting, because they were planting gloves, dead gloves. So, so I had, literally am standing there with the props opening was to open out i said hey look i got a belt for l-a-pd so they can they can plant glove there's 35 40 LAPD officers all backstage just all they're all like dude big fan man big fans and i'm like right on that kill it have fun i said right on and i i look

Starting point is 01:01:40 back and i go out and i i open with that joke and i i'm thinking they're going to be dying oh no yeah they know they were losing it i thought they were going to be mad i got done i did like three or four is a football with a knife on it. All these stupid OJ jokes. And I came back and they were like, that was great. You could get fired if you were laughing at these jokes. But awkward moments.

Starting point is 01:02:02 You don't know what to do. Of course. One time I was headlining a bar by the airport and a Samoan woman got punched out and bled all over the floor and the ambulance came and took her away. And they're like, well, let's start the show. Jesus.

Starting point is 01:02:19 That's just what that. I was like, really? That's so weird. It's like in Pittsburgh. We had done a show in Pittsburgh. And me and my crew went out to get a drink at this really, really just seedy bar in Pittsburgh, right? Downtown snowing out. We go in, this fight breaks out.

Starting point is 01:02:36 It's only me, two of my buddies on the crew and these two guys. And these two guys are, I could hear them starting to, be you know the sound of a fight. You hear that, that shit, just weird noise. You're like, holy fuck. And I turn around, this guy is beating littered the shit out of it. him, I mean, to the point where he's dead. The bartender's nose him both, you know, Frank, Frank, Bill. And he's looking over the bar.

Starting point is 01:02:58 Stop, stop, stop. And the guy wouldn't stop. So he jumps over the bar, pulls him off. The guy is literally looks dead. He goes, ah, fuck, call a cab. A cab. A cab. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:08 I made me think of that guy. The guy's dead. And again, they call a cab. And he might be like, call a fucking ambulance. The guy, a cab? That's Pittsburgh. Holy shit. Or just, even in the summertime when people pass out in clubs during your shows.

Starting point is 01:03:21 You know, like the heat, they've been drinking. Oh, you get that in Vegas all the time. You ever wonder where inspiration comes from. All the time, bro. This is something. Where did you get your ideas from? From working in a mortuary when you were 15? Adolf Hitler.

Starting point is 01:03:34 What did you mean by that, I was he? Not for, Adolf Hitler had a charisma in a bad way. And I kind of admired him. He was a freak. He was a lunatic. I thought he had so much about him. Babe,

Starting point is 01:03:54 is this in the folder of guys who love Hitler? We should start a whole new segment. That was so creepy. We've had so many people that admire Hitler. There should be a folder now of dudes who love it

Starting point is 01:04:04 because people reference him constantly. Yeah, I don't know. I never have. No, I know. Never done. How'd you get your start? Well, what made you get into comedy? It means something different to

Starting point is 01:04:17 guys like Hitler. why do I have Hitler's picture behind my desk because arguably the best salesman that ever lived how do you get 60, 70, 80 million people the genocide 10 million people either of those 10 million people

Starting point is 01:04:33 had to do something terrible which wasn't the case or you've got to be a slick motherfucker I mean and he was and that's why I have his photo behind that's why I have his photo behind my desk like yeah the fuck you know I did a Gene Simmons show one time

Starting point is 01:04:48 And it reminds me of everything kind of gets down to a theme. Yes, we love Gene. We're doing so, yeah. Friend of the show. I invented the, I can't do a good Gene's movie, but he says, he says, Scott, we're filming at his house and for a show. And I was walking around and, you know, I'm messing with him because he's so, he could, he's so easy to.

Starting point is 01:05:13 Yeah. So I said, you know, the cameras are with me. He says, we have, you know, anything. kiss related we have and I said yeah I see that he goes no name anything and we have it so I said all right kiss con you know of course we have kiss condoms I mean you have a kiss casket so I said

Starting point is 01:05:27 I ran out of things to ask I knew he has a you know you probably blow up doll a kiss blow up doll everything so finally the cameras there he says I said now I want to be deadly honest with you and I hope don't I don't offend you because you're probably not going to find

Starting point is 01:05:44 this very nice but I I've never heard of your band but apparently you are very successful and he's like never heard of kiss and I said no see that's what I'm saying I'm not trying to like

Starting point is 01:05:56 I'm not saying in the mean way I just you have you must have done well I just I don't know I don't know the band I've seen this logo and things I didn't know it's a band and he's just looking at me like

Starting point is 01:06:06 you don't know fucking cute I said no I know I know I know I know Hanson yeah oh shit and he was like Hanson I swear of God he's like Hanson and I said yeah mbop I said I know that guy

Starting point is 01:06:17 those guys They're really good. He just looked at me and the camera guys are shaking because they know I'm fucking with them. He's like, you're kidding with me. I said, yeah, I'm completely kidding me. Of course I know who kissed. I go to the restroom and he says, you go in the restroom. And I go in there and there's a Beatles assigned Beatles album on the ground.

Starting point is 01:06:36 On the ground. By the commode. Oh, shit. So I'm like, what the fuck's that? So I go out and I said, hey, I got a question. Now that I know who kiss is, why do you have a sign? Beatles album he goes oh that's a very observational view I said well why he says because I don't respect them they didn't own the rights to their music say they are nothing and then I'm like what

Starting point is 01:07:02 he's that but he was serious because he has marketing thing and then I just saw him on a podcast maybe a week ago and he says the best band in the world were the Beatles I'm like what the fuck seriously I don't know if it changes mine I say can I have the can I take it because I'll take the sign Beatles album Gene is a great capitalist. Oh, there we are. Look at that. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:20 He respects money making. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. He was a great cast. He was awesome. Oh, great. He was awesome. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:28 He's wonderful, wonderful. He's so funny. So tell me, like, as far as, what's in the case today? What do you have? I don't even know. You don't even know. No, I know some things. I was doing the Tony show, of course, he was like, please, please, please, bring your little babies.

Starting point is 01:07:43 So I brought a few. This one is brand new. I mean the last night I tried it It worked but I had never done it Okay And whenever I used to do a show Especially the tonight show That was my thing is to always make one

Starting point is 01:07:56 Backstage That's never been tested Backstage? Oh yeah Before the show Like before rehearsal I wouldn't even rehearse it Oh my God

Starting point is 01:08:04 And I would go back in the green room And I'd build it And sometimes the Jay would come in And say again I said I'm just making Oh you're fixing it? I said no I'm making I'd never

Starting point is 01:08:13 And he's like you've never done it I said yeah like every comic practices their their shit but I didn't in fact that was my thing it gave me adrenaline sure

Starting point is 01:08:24 so the rush but I did it last night it did good so the joke first the setup is guys a lot of guys get drunk

Starting point is 01:08:31 they punch a wall right and that's what happened I heard a friend of my backstage what happened your hand he's uh

Starting point is 01:08:36 so what did you do it he's always gotten something wrong with him what would you do your hand he's like I'm like mad and I punched the fucking wall I said you punched a wall

Starting point is 01:08:45 Jesus Christ he goes yeah I fucking I broke I broke his hand when he hit the wall I said well you shouldn't so I thought it's got to be a joke

Starting point is 01:08:52 so they should have a beer a beer with a stud finder on it so you can find out where the where to punch that's very funny yeah and then Tony's like I mean it was great

Starting point is 01:09:05 and then later on he's like so is that how you do it you just you just take something and tape to it I said no I had to build I had to find an actual fucking buzzer bell this part's completely different

Starting point is 01:09:15 than the see the butt. Oh, yeah. This didn't have a bink a thing on it. Yeah. And this had to be wired into this. And this is the NASA shit.

Starting point is 01:09:22 This is NASA shit right here. This is what I want to ask you, though. So you go to the airport security though. What the fuck is it? What is this? Yeah. So this, you, you, Oh, it's keratop.

Starting point is 01:09:31 It's okay. No, it's a bomb. No, it's carot. It's fun. You came up with this. It works. Will you, like, because it's new,

Starting point is 01:09:38 new stuff's always fun, right? Yeah, sure. So, like, will it be, you'll be like, I'll do this now for a few weeks and then decide whether I want to keep it or it'll always just kind of be around. Oh, well, since it's working and it'll be around for a bit, you know, as I get to build it.

Starting point is 01:09:52 I used to do on the, when I did the road shows, I would have it called Carrick Classics is exactly what it says in the lid there. It would be all my, you know, classics. Yeah. I've been doing it 40 years. So people that would have seen me in the late 80s, you know, I'm saying, hey, here's some stuff, you know, that might, it's still relevant. And then people that are 15-year-olds would be like, well, that's cool.

Starting point is 01:10:10 Well, this is, you know, so that would be, or I'd do a new trunk. I have a said, this is all brand new. And it's kind of fun because it really is new, and the crowd will tell you if it sucks or not pretty much. Dude, how important is getting luggage to places for you? It's got to be supreme. Yeah. And I've lost it before, too. Of course.

Starting point is 01:10:33 I was, and this is great. I'm on an airplane leaving Charlotte, North Carolina. It's like six, five 30 in the morning. and I was going to do Regis and it's live, you know, live with Regis, which I always thought was funny. Like, is that show live? It's fucking called live. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:10:47 So I go and I said to them, like, please don't keep in eye on my luggage. It's like my whole thing. Yeah. Oh, we got it. I said it's a trunk with flowers on it. You cannot miss it. Please make sure. And I'm all dead on a train.

Starting point is 01:11:03 I get on the plane and I'm still nervous. I got my little notebook and I'm just looking out. It's like raining. I just kind of look out the window. it's not even sunlight yet and I see my trunk going on the belly of the plane next of our plane and if I had to look I just looked over

Starting point is 01:11:17 and I was like what the and they're closing the door I'm like wait and she's like sir I said wait wait I said my bag is going on the other plane and she's like well I you know all bags look alike are you sure it's yours

Starting point is 01:11:31 I said it's either my trunk or Donnie Marie's fucking you know it's 60s flower it's my trunk and so the pilot was nice up the stop and they knew I was doing the show and they stopped. They got it back on and people were on the plane or all business. Sorry waiting on keratops flowered luggage. Sorry, everybody.

Starting point is 01:11:47 Have you caught that though? That's amazing. Have you ever not had your bag of props? No, I think, well, we had like a blizzard snow things one time where we got close, I think. But no, we've always, I think we always made it. Wow. Because we would, back on the day, you know, I would fly. Now we, we'd drive with it or ship.

Starting point is 01:12:07 If we do road shows, it's on the bus. or on the truck So we have it all Have you ever sold these gadgets Like do you ever No but I've had some that I've been ripped off You know stolen For me

Starting point is 01:12:18 And my friends are always like Didn't you do that? I'm like yeah like an 87 I did this prop And then you know And then someone company No not a comic Usually it's a company

Starting point is 01:12:27 Like you know At the Home Depot you can get Yeah And one in particular I brought it because it was so I was so proud of it And it wasn't a funny The crowd would laugh

Starting point is 01:12:38 But it was more like you know the crowd would get in this reaction like and I said right but it was funny I'll show you so elementary it's like when I got my dad's in brain toilet paper right a dispenser

Starting point is 01:12:52 yeah it's so it's so you'll be like this is so weird so a lot of people like toilet paper under the roll oh right that's a big debate and some people like it over the roll yeah right and that's great you start that with the crowd any people like it over the roll half the crowd I play under the roll ah exactly so that's why

Starting point is 01:13:08 I said, I made this toilet paper dispenser. So if you want it under, it goes under, right? And if you want it over, you just flip it and it goes over. Oh, shit. And the crab would go, and I go, right? And they would go, dude, and I'm like, yeah. And it was just, it was, then you see a thing. I forget one of my friends sent it was a commercial guy.

Starting point is 01:13:26 It's like, that's why I invented the toilet paper flipper. It's even called the toilet paper flipper. That's some of them. You should have fucking sued that guy. That's such a good idea. Yeah, no, it is. I know. It's been, there's been a lot of them.

Starting point is 01:13:38 I had a baseball bat wherever the strike was, the baseball strike, 94 maybe, where the baseball players were on strike and nobody was getting hits. It was horrible.

Starting point is 01:13:49 So I made a bat when you'd swing it. It was a little piece of wood that had a hinge and it would go, it would make a pop. And it was so element, right? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:57 So you feel like you're getting a hit. Or sound like you're at least sounds like this getting hits. And Whammo has a bat now where you swing it and it goes, you know. Wow. Fuckers.

Starting point is 01:14:07 I might sue Wammo. They probably have one about that toilet paper guy might not have, but the WAMO guys, they got something. They got something for you. Yeah. Well, I think the statue of limitations, right? I mean, I did it in the 80s, though, right? I feel like you could single-handedly have like a Spencer's. Remember that store of Spencer's?

Starting point is 01:14:26 Dude, you could open the carrot top store in Vegas, like at the fucking Luxor, bro, and just, holy shit. That's not a bad idea. That's actually a very good idea. Thank you. Blondie every now and then. Every now and then she comes up with something. I like that. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:39 You could sell all the shit. There's a lot of shit. I would buy the stud finder, right? I mean, just to have. Yeah, it's so funny. It's so silly. Yeah, dude. What's this is for?

Starting point is 01:14:51 Oh, any, here you go. I just got done vending over seven twinks in Brooklyn. Now, my go-to stride is when they see the bolts, they're just going to come up to you and ask you for it. These guys, you don't need to hold back because they are experienced bottoms. It's an amazing time. Definitely be on prep, though. what the

Starting point is 01:15:10 what was that what do you think what does that even mean I just got finished banging seven twinks and they see the bulgin now I'm gonna get on prep but but make sure you're

Starting point is 01:15:19 yeah you're prepped make sure you're clean and ready to go or is he mean to prep the prehole hit make sure your be holes are ready for me what do you think any

Starting point is 01:15:28 I think Karatop summed it up what the fuck yeah that was that was that was that just come from a live thing

Starting point is 01:15:36 no it's the it's the HIV pre. That's what I said prep. Oh, sorry. So it's probably the prep. Now, I'm definitely going to get on prep. Well, you better be now if you just bang seven twinks. I thought it just meant seven's a lot, man. Seven is... I never even ate seven twinkies before. Right? That's insane. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. Your refractory period. I mean, what's going on with that? I know. He's like 20. Yeah. He's ready to go. Damn. Go on. bottom you know what's crazy i would not have guessed any of those guys were gay he just shakes

Starting point is 01:16:14 his head dude imagine imagine sharing that house for like a month that's like backstage at my my show isn't it it's right for the show my crew comes down you kiss them all you kiss them all how big of a crew do you if you do go to do a road show how big is that crew uh we got well like six or so we got okay yeah video sound sure prop me stage yeah so much and there's that that like pretty much what's the Vegas crew too or is it much bigger we have we have my normal crew plus the union crew all right so we got about 12 something like that okay working yeah that's great but there's a lot there is there's more there's production to the show

Starting point is 01:16:53 I mean like there's lights there's storm lights and fog machines and video wall and so it's interactive kind of thing that's what's kind of hard when I go on the road too it was you know a comic shows up there ready and a stool and I'm like shit I got to bring a semi mindful of shit yeah yeah that's a lot that's a lot that is a lot I respect you so much though it's such like a like you go for it and I think there was a time in comedy where it was like whatever I don't care I don't trying it's like well then why are you doing this you should try you should try to be funny that's the fucking point of the job I think that's part of the yeah try I mean at least try write a punchline we had some I know we we had a couple guys last night you know

Starting point is 01:17:37 that show that it was kind of shocking because the the ones that really were funny how long you've been doing it they said you know a year and the ones that weren't fine

Starting point is 01:17:48 how long you've been doing they're like you know seven years I'm like seven years you know I think maybe you should stop but you don't tell them that you don't tell them that

Starting point is 01:17:57 but I mean if you're seven years in and you that's it dude you know I did it one time I did the show one time where the guy came out and was like you know there's a certain type of stage presence that somebody has

Starting point is 01:18:07 oh automatically right and I was like oh this guy's got stage presence and then his set went sideways and we're like how long you've been doing it

Starting point is 01:18:14 he was like 15 years we're like you've been doing this 15 years he was like yeah bro you gotta you gotta focus you gotta maybe

Starting point is 01:18:24 or just stop yeah yeah it's stop yeah so depressing yeah oh yeah 15 years yeah yeah right away

Starting point is 01:18:31 they have the present and sometimes like the interviews went better than their set yeah of course but they interview they're really quick and savvy, that's good too, right? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:18:40 Because if their set's good and their interview's not that good, it breaks stuff. But they're both right. Sometimes the kid last night was really good. What do you do for fun? Me? I feel like, yeah, like, what's your hobby? I fly to Austin and do Joe Rogan and you and Hiltonia. What do you do, like, during the day, all day, what are you doing?

Starting point is 01:18:58 I'm very boring. I get up and I water my, I have a little courtyard and I water and blow all the leaves and water that get everything all pretty. Do you plant stuff? I'm a gardener. I'm into hydroponic gardening. I'm interested in that. I just do some.

Starting point is 01:19:11 I don't do too much. And then I'll go to lunch, and that's usually when I kind of think of stuff. I don't write. I never sit down. I never bring a writing book ever. Your mind just goes. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:19:22 And if it's really good, I'll night on a napkin or something somewhere, but I don't, I never write ever. And is that pretty much daily where you're trying to like? I don't force myself to, no, absolutely not. That's why I think it helps too. I have friends that always, great comics too, but they'll say, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm writing all weekend.

Starting point is 01:19:40 I'm like, oh, like for a sitcom, like, no, just writing, I'm like, I don't, I don't ever sit down and write, because it's forcing myself, it's got to just come. And most of the time it happens socially, you know, yeah, flying here yesterday, the guy next to me. And this is just, it turns into a joke, but I didn't write it. It just happened. The guy next to me said, I don't want to bother you. They always say that. So you're not bothering me. He says, you and I have something in common. And this old guy, I said, oh, what are we, I'm thinking, you know, we both have some NASA-related something. I said, oh, what do we have in common? He says, both 65.

Starting point is 01:20:19 And I said, 65. I said, I'm not 65. He goes, oh, no, no, I'm sorry. I'm born in. I said, well, born in is different than, you're born in 65. Yeah. You started with that. Oh, that's good.

Starting point is 01:20:30 We do have something to come. Yeah. Dumb fuck. Right. Yeah, you're stupid prick. So then I just said, this stupid prick. So I said, he said, oh, is that going on your show? I said, yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:39 Oh, no, you're not going to say who it is. I said, no, I'm just getting a picture real quick. Yeah, say who it is. No, here's the guy. I mean, this is the dumb shit, yeah. A lot of things happen just, you know, and probably you guys too. When you don't force to write a joke, sometimes it just, a behavioral thing happens. So much of it comes from that.

Starting point is 01:20:57 On a plane, last weekend, I was going to Florida and I went up to the guy, can we get a picture of the flight of tents? Before we land, I said, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I get up to go, and they were like, oh, wait, let me get ready. And they were like powder their nose. And I said, no, I'm just going to go, I'm just going to go smoke a cigarette. I'll be right back. And they just thought that was the funniest thing ever.

Starting point is 01:21:18 I said, I'm just going to go smoke a cigarette right back. Like, you can't smoke in the bed. You can't? I'm like, no, just fuck them. But that can be a bit just by doing it stupidly. And they were like, you can't smoke. I've been on planes where they do that. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:31 You're such an entertainer. I really, I respect that so much. Oh, thank you. Yeah, like my hero, I love Phyllis Diller. Oh, my God. Did you ever get to meet her? I did. You know what's strange?

Starting point is 01:21:43 I played, I was going to Florida Atlantic University. Yeah, I've done that. Yeah, that's why I went to school. Yeah. And Boca Raton, right? I mean, you're a broke college kid and they have valet parking at public. And they have a bunch of aeronautical stuff there, right? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:57 Yeah. I'm at FAU and they had Phyllis Dillard came. to our school to perform and I was blown away it was uh she just crazy good and someone that she was they had the open they had the old limo yeah and like a big old old you know 70s limo they had she was what they were walking her out and the guy that union built said hey this is our resident comic and I'm like what I had done comedy twice on that on the comedy I'm not a comic yet you know I'm up there doing George Carlin's jokes and I'm not doing jokes of my own anyway she says oh and she's got her big wig

Starting point is 01:22:39 and get her cigarette and it was pouring down rain she goes get in and she I go in the limo with her and they close the door and she's like well that she's just it's just amazingly like do you well tell me your best joke and I said oh fuck right so I'm like uh well I don't really have whatever I said I have this one joke where I come out I had a I had a my hair was even bigger out here and I would come out with a red wig on and it was a carrot top

Starting point is 01:23:08 and I'd come out with the wig on and everybody was like ah and then I would take it off and it was the same hair yeah and right when I said that to her I said well I have this joke because I said I have a wig I come on just like you know and I come out and I pull it off

Starting point is 01:23:21 and the same hair is there she goes that is so funny and she takes her wig she goes you know what and she takes her wig off she's like I'm I'm fucking stealing that from you. Really? Yeah. I said, please do, right? Please do. And yeah, she just was a long cigarette. And it was, I just couldn't believe him. And in a lima with Phyllis Diller and I was writing her a joke. So she gave me notes on my act when I was a new comic and it changed my life and she changed me

Starting point is 01:23:47 forever. But what she said to me was, I was really interesting. You say that because she goes, Christina, your hello is everything. For instance, I go out there and I go, shocking. isn't it? And because she had that big wig, but that's so important, you're hello. And if that's your first joke, a visual gag, she must have died. She must have loved that with you. Well, she said she's stealing that. She goes, I'm taking that. Yeah, brilliant. I said, you can, please do. I'd be honored. I'd be thrilled to death. Yeah. She was brilliant, right? Class, class. I mean, so clever. My God, you still watch the clips of her and Instagram. All the time. It's timeless. It's timeless. I own things of her. Oh, Joan Rivers was another legend.

Starting point is 01:24:28 It's incredibly funny, my God, incredibly funny. I want to show you some of our props and see if anything. Oh, yeah. While I grabbed this, here I'll just somebody, another prop guy was sending a video. Hi there. My name's Pete, and today I'm going to be demonstrating a new toy that I got. And the cool thing about it is it incorporates a power drill. Oh, God.

Starting point is 01:24:52 And a flesh light and your hard dick. Cool, right? Are you following so far? I think I know. I think you can get that at the Home Depot, by the way. What the... Just consider this for your closer. Dude, this would be rad.

Starting point is 01:25:18 Not a lot you could do after this one, though. Yeah, you kind of have to close on that one. And I just had a really good time. That's Uncle Terry. filled with fucking cum Yeah Yeah Dude imagine

Starting point is 01:25:32 That's what it should be done He gets done He goes And that's how I start By boarding Dude Imagine closing Protein

Starting point is 01:25:39 A protein shake My own protein Shake So fantastic Okay Oh what do you got here Oh my goodness We got some

Starting point is 01:25:45 All right I'm already We need that guy Yeah I know Right What is? I don't know Oh you don't know

Starting point is 01:25:56 If these are Well yeah I mean, that's definitely... This is something you can... A fun mask. Yeah, you're blowing some guy behind a dumpster in 6th Street. You have seven twinked and put a mask on one of them. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:26:07 This, I guess, is a beer bong, right? Yeah, yeah. It's a beer bong. Why do we use that one? Or like an anal funnel? I don't remember. Oh, yeah. I hope not.

Starting point is 01:26:15 I'm hoping it's a beer bong. Let's see it could be some... You could come up with some thing. There's so... Oh, there is another... Oh, this is, you know, while you're searching for your... This is one that we had planned. Is this all your shit or someone gave you that shit?

Starting point is 01:26:35 Is this your five minutes? This is your five minute opening? What is that? These are going on my trunk. Keep it. Anything you want is yours. Little black dicks. Oh, this reminds me of one that I had.

Starting point is 01:26:49 A lot of cock. This is one that I just told this story. I was on the Tonight Show, and I had a, you kind of go back to how long ago it was when gay marriage was legal in like four states right so i thought oh it's a fun way to present it so i'd have i had a map of the united states and where every state that was legal marriage i had a little it was penises on springs we go like you know you hold it up and i go here's the four states so people know that gay marriage is legal so the tonight show people like well you can you know it kills in

Starting point is 01:27:18 rehearsal sound check and the lady from standards and presses always hated me love me but hated me she walked over she's like scott i what you can't can't do. I said, they're in springs. They're not real dicks. They're like, they're cute. They're like little, little Coxon Springs. Come on. NBC. Come on. NBC. Come on. Nobody cares. So, they're like, no, you can't do that. So I said, okay, can I come up with another idea. So I went and I got the prop department cut out pictures of Ryan Cress's his face and I put him on all the four states. And now it made even worse because Jay's like, he's a good friend of mine. I can't do that. You know, I can't make fun of Ronnie Ryan. I said, no one thinks it's a joke. It'll get a laugh. You know, you can't. Or, Put Elton John is that better Put where Elton John But then it's not funny You're picking on someone that's not Yeah

Starting point is 01:28:00 So what are you doing I'm not doing the Oh You didn't do the pro They wouldn't let me do it right So then I thought It's not funny If I put like Elton

Starting point is 01:28:09 Because then it doesn't make it Right It's not funny It's got to have it Something else Yeah It's gonna have this Wait so do you recognize

Starting point is 01:28:15 Literally all these Like is this just Is this boring for you Because you've seen all these things A million times These objects Yeah like You've seen everything

Starting point is 01:28:24 At this point right I've never seen that one day what about that that type of dick is that like a strap on dick what why does it have several these this is a loop in that your balls go in there oh so it's like a cock ring oh but it would make no sense to have

Starting point is 01:28:44 that and because your dick would be a dick and another dick makes no sense so whoever invented that I'm not quite sure what that's full I don't know what that would be fun yes here you go finally something in my color Oh, there is a home record That was going to be great You know, there's a There's a TikTok that everyone in the world has sent me

Starting point is 01:29:04 Because it talks about ginger's And we were just going to bring that Literally on the tip of my tongue Oh, did it say that one? Well, no, I wanted to ask Okay, tell what you're... Well, no, I just say in the show I said, you know, people love TikTok

Starting point is 01:29:16 This is the most trending TikTok Roll it and they roll it And you've seen it was every ginger As black if you're... Oh, yeah, yeah. if you're red hair and you have a you're black yeah and the crowd always laughs and I just kind of look at the crowd like and I looked down I said I you know for years I would always ask my mom why do I have a big black dick she says you're blessed and it becomes a callback throughout the whole show my big black dick and my big black dick and my big so when you said it then I got my big black dick

Starting point is 01:29:42 okay this was our question because we have a a comic friend who one time uh a redhead guy and he was like somebody called me a fucking ginger yeah and we were like okay he was like he was like he was like Yeah, that's, like, calling me a fucking homo. And I was like, wait, what? And he was like, yeah, that's super insulting. I was like, I thought that's just a... I have to be absolutely honest. I don't like the word ginger either.

Starting point is 01:30:06 But tell me. I don't know why. It just, I would say, oh, you're redhead or you're this. But ginger, I don't know. Is it pejorative? No, it just says, you're ginger. I don't know. And then they, one of those cartoons did it, which was great.

Starting point is 01:30:17 The gingers are, it was South Park or one of those. I forgot what the joke. But I just don't like the word ginger either, you know. Okay. Maybe because it's all British and gay sounding. I don't know. Like, ginger. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:30:30 Yeah. Like, it's so ginger. Anything British is actually fine with me or, yeah. Yeah, it's a Brit thing, right? I don't know if it just, yeah, ginger. Fucking ginger. I just never, I don't think it was around when I was, you know, when I grew up, no one called me ginger.

Starting point is 01:30:43 Oh, so it kind of evolved into something. They came up with ginger somehow, but I'm not a fan of the word ginger. I don't get offended by it, though. Right. Is this, it's got something else into this comes off too. That's so interesting. What is that? I don't know.

Starting point is 01:30:54 This one's interesting looking. I don't like that at all. That is horrifying. Yeah. What the hell? This whole table looks horrifying. Yeah, of course. If people just would walk in like, what the fuck have you guys been doing?

Starting point is 01:31:04 That right there, I feel like there's something to do with that. Well, I have something similar with a head. Hold on. Okay. But it's not, it's more cute if I can find it. Now, this one was, this one killed last night. It said it's the new cowboy's helmets. That's good.

Starting point is 01:31:22 That's good. That's typical for tonight. Sure. In Dallas, why not fuck with the home team? Of course. But there was one that I did that involves a baby. Oh, these were pretty cool. These are clever.

Starting point is 01:31:33 These are boots that I made where the soles are reversed so you can't trace her steps. Oh, brilliant. This was an OJ joke. Fuck yeah. I was. I made boots for OJ who was wearing these, so they were going the wrong. Where did he go? He went that way.

Starting point is 01:31:48 That's great. Bundy would have had so many more under his belt if he had those. True story, yeah. Is that how they got him? No, but I know those guys think about that. No, it's a horrible dirty baby. This is a really poor, a really old baby. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:32:06 Time to change you. So when people breastfeed, right? In public, people get upset when people are breastfeeding in public. So I thought you should just have, you make this to put over the baby's head. So it looks like you're just holding the baby. They don't know your breastfeeding. Right? Yeah, that is.

Starting point is 01:32:23 like what's going on nothing just hanging out my favorite would be if that's your only like if you were just like I have one joke and you did that it would scare so many people yeah this guy's totally unstable it is the filthiness of the babies that really scares me that's really gross

Starting point is 01:32:42 I didn't realize until now they wouldn't have as good lighting at the luxo than you had it was real serial killery yeah you're lighting I don't I'm looking for something I'm a peep dude this is his This is just like your home feed. This is what you watch. I mean, this is kind of what we do.

Starting point is 01:32:57 We haven't watched this in years. I know. I forgot how a lot. But he's trying. Damn it. Oh, fuck it. Oh, fuck it. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Starting point is 01:33:08 Ah. Oh. God. What is he? What is he doing? What if he's not doing anything horrible? What if he's like trying to change the, you know, he's trying to screw something on. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:33:20 Trying to put the hose. Damn it. Damn it. and you know what's interesting now that I didn't think about 10 years ago he could have just made a new tape he could have yeah he didn't have to air this version

Starting point is 01:33:32 right he could have waited he could have done it just do it do over see again going back to you try you just try bro don't be lazy just film another you know what I mean like just regroup and film it again yeah

Starting point is 01:33:44 give yourself for some time well I came I got to post it I got to post it straight away this is an old one okay this is um but clever right let me be the judge of that right it's um when you hang a picture i keep looking all the pictures in here right

Starting point is 01:33:59 they're never yours are great you're all straight but i made a picture frame that was made out a level so it's always straight that great so the picture goes in here you put it on the wall it's always straight dude that's another one that you got to fucking copyright this shit you got to sell that you know why that that's like everybody's joke who has like a construction you put a picture of elton john on and you said and this one's Never straight. We just wrote it right here, baby, man.

Starting point is 01:34:27 That's good. Oh, you have this one. It's never straight. Perfect. Okay. So, do you want to show him some of your talks? Yeah, speaking of TikTok, I mean, I curate them. But I also, I like to showcase the marginalized communities.

Starting point is 01:34:42 That's a spin on it. I like to give a voice to those that are underrepresented. Okay. So she selected these, just so you know. No, don't blame this on me. Okay. Trans people belong here. We need trans people

Starting point is 01:34:53 We love trans people Trans people belong here We need trans people We love trans people Trans people belong here We need trans people We love trans people We love trans people

Starting point is 01:35:03 We need trans people We love trans people We need trans people I mean I'll tell us it The message isn't wrong I do feel like The taxi pulls up

Starting point is 01:35:18 We need trans people I do think no one's catching on to the song though. Right. Right. Yeah, I think it was really, really was catchy. You know why? But you had the intuition to add a beat. Right. And had she had a friend who was like, and then

Starting point is 01:35:34 if she looked around and she was like, trans people belong here. And then the symbols come in, the calbell and the dom. And then it's fucking it's a hit. It's a hit. I'm going to scroll forward 30 seconds and see what happens. All right. Go ahead. Trans people. We love trans people. Trans people belong here. Okay. It keeps going.

Starting point is 01:35:49 It just keeps going. All right. But the ring. people out there. Oh, okay. This feels like it's in your wheelhouse. What is she doing? Oh, my God. Hold on. She just came up with something. Okay. Trying these airplane seat dividers so you don't have to. That's the captioning for people.

Starting point is 01:36:02 Okay. I saw these airplane sneeze guards on Amazon so I have to check them out. What a cunt. There's a two in case you're in the middle. Fuck right off. These people have bags, which are pretty packable. And then I don't like you. Yeah, what the fuck? Imagine sitting next that? Dude, you would imagine that. You're like, could you take your fucking plastic?

Starting point is 01:36:20 Oh. you would lose your mind if you said you know what the fuck is no you there would be there'd be on the headlines yeah and keratop kills somebody on a plane I'm all over the news but I feel like you could have improved on that I used to have some I do yes yours would have been way better it has to be something that would be not obtrusive to the other people right I used to have a literally a head this is how I remember the goddamn joke but it was a lot of airplane ones people would always say hey you could be on your phone right you could be whatever on the

Starting point is 01:36:50 the talking texting and people were just excuse me you're like I'm fuck it so I would have a headphone that had a hand that would go like this fuck off that's right then they start talking I just hit the button and it'd be like you know fuck you or another one that said something it would flip down but that's yeah it's stupid you got a well well think and then the the airline wouldn't let you use those it's say mammy you can't you got to take that down you said fucking bitch using your word you so excuse me can't you can't excuse me can't I mean could you imagine If some fucking bitch did this. I do feel like the, not for sneezing, but like to avoid conversations, I just always put

Starting point is 01:37:27 earbuds in, always. Yeah, but they don't, they still go like this. Yeah, they do. I just, I'm always like, but he's got the point that it needs to be, like hands. Or I used to have one that had a slide, like a shade that went down on my hat. Really? It was built in, it would go. Brilliant.

Starting point is 01:37:40 That's great. So just like something like, we go, blinders. Like a horse. Like a horse blinders. Like a horse blinders. This chicken. Imagine setting this up. That was a new one.

Starting point is 01:37:54 That's Travis Kelsey's playbook, right? Uh-huh. And this is their pre-nup. So it's like... That's funny, dude. Brilliant. I bet it does look like the fucking phone book. I hope so.

Starting point is 01:38:08 Wait, we got one since we were talking about trans people. Oh, shit. Well, she's got way more scratch. This is a coffee cup for lesbians. How are you? Good morning. Barbara, how are you? Good.

Starting point is 01:38:19 Good. I looked at the numbers this morning I love it I love you God bless you You're just Very nice Okay well now I don't have an armrest

Starting point is 01:38:31 Yeah see you stupid Stupid selfish twat Oh See what it has meant to be Oh Well dangerous in the skies After your mouth stops bleeding You adjust the buggle

Starting point is 01:38:43 Okay I can't imagine that though It's unbearable I would just make I would give her a, like a, like build up, a box for her. Yeah. You just put the whole box over her. That's great, right?

Starting point is 01:38:56 Not even, not even holds for her to breathe. Just, just a box. Plastic. Yeah. Also, clear. You could just see her. Let's also point out of the fact that, you know, she's like, I don't have my armrest anymore. Yet, neither does the person sitting next to you.

Starting point is 01:39:07 Now they don't get to use the armrest. I had an old problem. It was an actual armrest from an airline. I was going through a junkyard, and I said, this is an airplane armrest. Like one of the armrest. and it had the astray and I used to do that prop I said you're on an airplane

Starting point is 01:39:25 you don't get your own armrest bring your own armrest and I used to stick it in like I had it I said no you can have that I brought my own and it was just so because it was real and then I remember it would have something music that would go to it too like I'm it was a really clever prop

Starting point is 01:39:41 and it had like a sound thing built into it so I could bring my own music and it'd go you can have that one I got my own that's cool I love that. Clever. Yeah, remember these. Just good ones.

Starting point is 01:39:51 He was. So good. Watching Netflix and somebody said there was a very loud bang on the door. He went out and then I kind of peeked out the window, saw him talking to a sheriff and I didn't think anything of it. And then he came back in a few minutes later, kind of smiling a little bit. And I was like, what's going on?

Starting point is 01:40:14 And he goes, it's Simon. In the traffic, but it's quiet. Simon. This might be your best for ever. Simon. And Simon. Someone's like, there's somebody dying next door. But I like how they edited it.

Starting point is 01:40:28 I don't know how to make it go be quiet. So. It does sound like someone's being murdered. He's just got a lot to say. Oh, fuck. That's great, dude. That's just a good sound effect to have anywhere, right? When you go to open your car and say a beep, beep, beep,

Starting point is 01:40:44 you go. God, that would actually stop somebody from doing something. Or about your phone ringer. That would be a great notification. You got a text? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ, I'm sorry. I got it.

Starting point is 01:40:56 Hey, Mom. Yeah. Simon. You should date me because I'm so far out of your league. You would be lucky to date me. Hi, I'm Elizabeth. Call me Beth only. What kind of man am I looking for?

Starting point is 01:41:12 I really don't know. Hopefully, a good one. I have never been in love with any. anybody before. I don't even love my parents or any of my siblings, but every guy I've ever needed has been madly in love with me. And you will be in love with me too. Unless you call me Elizabeth, then I'll fucking kill you. You just call me Beth. Go to a restaurant. Get me drunk. Yeah. You could see if you could keep up. I do smoke cigarettes, yeah, but I don't care if you smoke cigarettes. The key to a good relationship

Starting point is 01:41:44 with me is giving me space. I have a lot of pets. But my biggest one is leaving wet towels on the ground. I don't believe in soulmates. I don't really think all. This video is birth control. This is unbelievable. This makes me not one I ever fuck anyone ever again. Can I tell you something?

Starting point is 01:42:03 I'm in raptured. I'd date her. You like her? I think she's fantastic. No, I do like her sense of style. You know, a little arrogant maybe. I like the craziness. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:42:13 Is that what you're into? No. You don't like craziness? No. No crazy. No crazy. No crazy. like no talking no talking yeah actually not even having a mouth would be great just this just

Starting point is 01:42:27 just fucking nothing no expression not even a mouth just fucking that's what that'd be the perfect date maybe put women hair on it put some girl put some girlish in it yeah what you sit there dinner they don't say a fucking thing no what kind of ladies are you into once a while you just just fucking there we go it's about right there's the dark there's the dark there's the dark Amen, brother. That's what we're all looking for. That's fucking exactly right. This is a purse for women,

Starting point is 01:42:54 but they have a restraining order against a guy that can show exactly how far they keep away. That's fucking great, too. See, that's where an example of one that like, I don't know how I thought of the joke. Yeah. You know, someone said a restraining order on anybody. And how far are you supposed to be away?

Starting point is 01:43:14 And then I thought, oh, tape measure maybe. That's so fun. And then I thought, oh, on a purse. So I found the perfect purse It fits right in there But that would be one that I don't really know how the brain Went to, I just thought of the idea

Starting point is 01:43:27 First on that one Not like the toilet That's also totally evergreen That could do that in 30 years Oh right, right, yeah Timeless is great I always that's what I love A lot of the comics that I admired

Starting point is 01:43:37 Like George Carlin Joan Rivers But we talk of anybody Do you go back and you can watch them We're talking about Richard Pireless like You watch him back 40 years, 50 years ago

Starting point is 01:43:48 special it's still fucking relevant eddie murphy's delirium it's still did you have a relationship with carlin did you know yeah how was that uh it was unbelievable i mean it was nerve-racking because you know it's yeah you never just set set you're talking to george carlin you're like holy shit i'm talking to jose carlin yeah and he was wonderful and he loved my act which is which which really really kind of what got me through a lot of the rough patches when people were really rifle at me. Yeah. I would see you know, my mom would say when I was a kid

Starting point is 01:44:21 I got picked on, you know, because I had a big black dick. Yeah. She would say, she would say like, you know, I got picked on again. She's like, who picked on you? I said, you know, Tommy, she's like, consider the source, okay? He's an asshole, Tommy. He's an asshole every day to you. So I would think that with comics, when they would give me a hard time, I'd be like, but

Starting point is 01:44:38 George Carlin liked me. Yeah. So you had to find Who the fuck are you? Right. Yeah. So you'd find that moment where you're like, you know, a guy in youtube or some whatever the fuck internet back in the day you know carotop hacks piece of shit whatever yeah i'd say George carlin liked it he would

Starting point is 01:44:55 he would die he would and he would knew he knew the act which is weird like he he watched me on on the shows when I met him I said I don't want to bother you he's not I said I'm a com he goes carot job and I remember thinking holy shit he knew me

Starting point is 01:45:10 he says god you're great and I just was it was in an airport in Philadelphia and I didn't I just was like, oh my God, that's, thank you. And he said, a cup joke, that's fucking brilliant, right? And I'm like, my cup joke. He says, how did he come up? And I said, oh, oh, the, and it was clever. It was a, it was a telephone, you know, the cups and string.

Starting point is 01:45:32 Oh, yeah. Hey, what's going on? You see it. I was watching a cartoon and it had that in the, in the cartoon. It was like, hey, what's going on, Timmy? And he was in a tree talking to a kid on a fort and the tree. and I was watching the cartoon and I thought

Starting point is 01:45:46 there should be an updated version of that cup and it's a new telephone has call waiting so I had a cup that came out of the other cup for call waiting so you'd say

Starting point is 01:45:55 you say hey what's going on I have to call you back hey what's up it's call waiting and another cup would come out so it was then had three cups came out for conference calling and then it became a bit

Starting point is 01:46:05 right then it became like and then a clear cup for caller ID I know it's you pick up and he was like how the fuck did you come up with that bit and I'm like

Starting point is 01:46:13 well how did you come up with stuff yeah he's like yeah our brains think different but he's like that's fucking brilliant he was just I had a party favor that had it for asthma people

Starting point is 01:46:25 it was an asthma thing but had a so people that asthma could celebrate on New Year's Eve and he was like that's fuck he just he was you know how we would just be like this fucking pray

Starting point is 01:46:34 how do you fucking have an he's got a goddamn asthma thing with it so he was great that's all now did you pick up on like and I also I studied my I studied him.

Starting point is 01:46:43 I mean, of course. You know, even the shit, I do that in my act all the time. And I always, I always referenced that to the crowd.

Starting point is 01:46:50 Because I do it four or five times in the show. It always gets a laugh. It's Carlin. But then later I say people, you know, that shit, that's Carlin. I took that from Carlin.

Starting point is 01:46:59 Yeah. And he mentioned me in a special, and I show it in the show. It's so great. I said, we were watching, this is true. We were watching an HBO special with George Carlin.

Starting point is 01:47:10 And, he says I said watch this and he cuts to Carlin he's in a special he says I'm at the airport and they asked me who packed your bags did you pack your bags yourself

Starting point is 01:47:22 and Carlin goes no caratop packed my fucking bags and it should the crowd goes nuts I go nuts and I said you know I'm I bow down but you know my forehead cell phones I mean everyone in the world's like did you see that special Colin mentioned you and that's like one of those things you're like wow

Starting point is 01:47:38 you know you just special it's special I die And so it worked perfectly because I have all this shit. We packed your bags. When you got beat up a lot like you were saying, like online or whatever, did you have a sense of like, well, this is like, this is unmerited. This is just like not, like it became like sport. Like anybody can just like have a reference for something.

Starting point is 01:47:59 They don't even know what they're saying. Did it feel like that? Like people are just. Well, I definitely felt unmerited because I thought what I was doing, again, whether it's sillier and it's not when I first started doing comedy, the most important thing, at least cherish people, was not stealing people's material. Right.

Starting point is 01:48:18 Especially back, you know, now there's thousands and thousands of comics out there. I was so proud of the fact that I had my own stick. Yeah. I mean, I wasn't doing Gallagher. I wasn't doing Rip Taylor. I wasn't doing anything. I was doing inventive prop stuff and stand-up, so it was a mixture of. But now this show's way more stand-up in it

Starting point is 01:48:38 because I think I've just gotten more comfortable doing it. But, yeah, it was felt unmerited because I thought I'm doing my own. And did you also feel like it feels like there's like a like a tide turning of people going like, like, why are we giving this guy such a hard? Oh, they were definitely a tied turn at one point. Yeah. I think it was just, yeah, one day. I just hear people are like, you know, you get the shanlings and you get go Mars and people that come out of the woodwork and say, you know, they like great. They just had one. The other day was somebody. He was Dana Carvey and what's his, they were just going on. yeah about how brilliant I am and I was like that's nice yeah um but it took a long time to get to get you know I I would say that you know I've I've been doing this so long it's like you know it's almost I get I finally get to go to the barbecue piano thing you know yeah it's like all right

Starting point is 01:49:26 we can invite him to the show that's cool man he's been into so long that's really what it is I think I've been I think they finally said fuck he's not going anywhere I'm glad you're not going anywhere no me too and what you do is so hard I couldn't come up with a trunk full of visual Gags, it's very difficult. No, it's just what I do. It's not easy. It's what you do. I can't write a song and some people can write. You could give me a month and I don't think I would come up with one.

Starting point is 01:49:48 No. I don't think I would come up with one, do you. You got to see Caratop Live. Go to Caratop.com and six nights a week at the Luxor in Vegas. Six nights a week, yeah, baby. This was a blast, dude. Thank you for having me. Thank you for all this fun.

Starting point is 01:50:05 And of course, these are yours to take. Nice. Yeah. My trunk's already heavy enough. I'll tell you my first prop I ever did No way Ever did It wasn't mine

Starting point is 01:50:15 But it was the first thing I did on stage I had gone to this club in Orlando At West Palm Beach when I was in FAU It was every day in the radio Comedy Corner and I thought I'm going to go down there and audition So I went down and I auditioned And I did George Carlin

Starting point is 01:50:28 And every jokes That weren't mine And the lady's like Where do you get these jokes And I'm like George Carl I said George Well you can't

Starting point is 01:50:39 can't do that you have to do your own joke I said oh fuck well that sucks you know I thought I thought this comedy thing was easy I can just do jokes so I thought I did my I don't know what inspired me I had this thing on the wall at my house in my dorm and so it became my first prop

Starting point is 01:50:54 I said you know how good I said I would show up but the first thing I said like she said hello my first thing out was this hey oh I had my stupid hair I'd take that off and then I'd hold this up and I'd say sorry sorry I'm late I was in the neighborhood and everybody would laugh and then I'd say

Starting point is 01:51:09 how good is their crime watch if they're not even watching their fucking sign and they just would kill it took me 20 minutes to get this fucking sign 10 seconds to go through a window and it was just like

Starting point is 01:51:20 the lady was like that's great do you have any more like this and I said well I can go steal more signs yeah and that's what I did I went around town

Starting point is 01:51:27 and I found all the signs that were that made no sense and you and so that was like children at play and it was a stick figure and the one did the slowly they don't have feet and I just keep doing

Starting point is 01:51:36 you know and people the one was funny because I stole them And secondly, they were signs that people would question. And then you realize there's something in your head. The visual, yeah, the visual aspect of it. And so I started.

Starting point is 01:51:46 But the very, leave you on this, we got to go. The very first prop I did, I was 12, maybe? 12. Yeah. But I didn't do, of course, I wasn't building promops back then. It makes me laugh. My father was very, very, very, a engineer and very, very particular about his tools. He had a shed that was, every tool was outlined numbered.

Starting point is 01:52:04 Like, the hammer went there. And, of course, the screwdriver wouldn't fit. because it looks like a hammer, but it was like everything, right? I borrowed his hammer one day. I had a fort in the backyard and my dad came home from work and he says, where's my hammer? I said, I don't know. And he says, well, it's got to be somewhere. It was just here this morning.

Starting point is 01:52:23 I said, I don't know, dad. He went into my fort and he found it. Well, I found. Yeah. He says, well, here it is. And I said, he said, just walking there all by itself? And I said, I don't know, dad. So he went to work.

Starting point is 01:52:38 And he came home and I made this. I said, my dad, I think it did walk in there all by itself. And my dad's like, what the fuck? Now, what's the great about this is this is, this is really the hammer. That's the hammer. My dad was so pissed that I drilled. And then he says, what the fuck is this? I said, the hammer walked in there by itself.

Starting point is 01:52:54 But I was like 12. That's brilliant. And my dad didn't know I was going to be a prop comic. Brilliant. But I kept it. And I'm going to be in my, in my prop. But that's so great. I mean, 12, right?

Starting point is 01:53:05 And that's what I'm already thinking, hey, This put... You did this at 12. Yeah. I found a Barbie doll that I had. That's great, too. It's amazing. There's two jokes in there.

Starting point is 01:53:19 I just found a Barbie doll that I had. And then I cut it up. It's not as a Kendall. I mean a Ken doll. That's right. And the Barbie doll and the Kendall is a guy. That's crazy. That's crazy.

Starting point is 01:53:30 And then be Kendall. It'll be a Barbie doll. Make no sense. You got a Nissan? You got a Nissan? Thanks again for coming in. Thank you so much. guys for watching and listening and we'll see you next week thank you

Starting point is 01:53:41 thank you I'm gonna come gonna come I'm gonna come I'm gonna get on your bomb you I'm gonna get on your bum I'm gonna swim I'm gonna come I'm gonna get on your bump face you girl You better know I'm gonna rock your world Now I'm in your assie

Starting point is 01:54:23 I'm fucking you boy Now I'm in your ass Yeah I'm gonna swim, I'm gonna come, I'm gonna get on your bomb I got sweat, I'm gonna come, I'm gonna get on your bomb I gotta sweat, I'm gonna come, I'm gonna get on your bomb I'll face you girl, you better know I'm gonna rock your world Whoa!

Starting point is 01:55:02 You have such a nasty!

Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Carrot Top Whips Out His Big Black Trunk | Your Mom's House Ep. 827

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