Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Checking In With Cool Guy Tony Johns | YMH Ep. 789

Episode Date: December 11, 2024

Get tickets for Tom’s Come Together Tour at https://tomsegura.com/tour SPONSORS: Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https...://dkng.co/mom or through my promo code MOM. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/momshouse. Save on the perfect gift by visiting https://AuraFrames.com to get $35-off Aura’s best-selling Carver Mat frames by using promo code MOM at checkout. Use code YMHJOY24 with DoorDash for 50% off your first order. This week on Your Mom's House Podcast, Tom and Tina are back together and in the spirit of the season, connect with legendary cool guy, Mr. "We Up Outta Here" himself, Tony Johns! Before getting on the phone with Tony, we open the show with a banger track to honor the passing of Chuck Woolery. Tom and Christina also reminisce on some of the fun clips he's contributed to in past YMH episodes. They next open the show with a classic Tony Johns clip before Tom addresses some firings from last week and some new faces in the booth. Christine pivots the conversation to discuss Tom's nose and theories on his true heritage. Tom then plays a clip from a Congressional hearing about some shady practices of major American airlines. The two also check out a Tony Valli clip, check out some art featuring Tom as famous serial killers, watch a very informative Will Blunderfield clip, and then give Tony Johns a call to see what he's up to. There are also a bunch of TikTok's, a new Pazsitzky Effect, and so much more! WOOOOOO WE UP OUTTA HERE! Your Mom’s House Ep. 789 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinap.com/ https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 What's up everybody? It's Tom Segura. We're almost into the new year and I'll be bringing my Come Together Tour to a bunch of more cities in 2025. January 18th, I'll be in Philadelphia. I haven't been there in a while. January 24th, San Francisco. The 25th of January, I'm in Reno. January 30th, I'm in Athens, Georgia. And January 31st, Savannah. February 1st, I'll be in North Charleston. I can't wait to hit all these cities. Get your tickets now at tomscuro.com slash tour and I will see you there. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. Get groceries delivered across the GTA from real Canadian superstore with PC express. Shop online for super prices and super savings.
Starting point is 00:00:50 Try it today and get up to $75 in PC optimum points. Visit superstore.ca to get started. And here we go. Here you go. Here you go. Oh my god. Been greasy. Been greasy. Greasy. Dun dun dun. So good. I'm sorry. Hell yeah. What a banger.
Starting point is 00:02:26 What a banger. Rest in peace. So Chuck Willard just died. For people that don't know, I mean, Chuck was one of the OG clips that we... because there's an Australian burn. And it was a cream that... No, Australian dream. Dream, sorry, Australian Dream, doesn't burn.
Starting point is 00:02:45 Yeah. And it didn't greasy. That's what he would say in the copy. And we would talk about it on the podcast and people would bombard him. Like everybody, you'd go on Twitter and it was just pages of people being like, Chuck, is it greasy? And- Doesn't burn.
Starting point is 00:03:00 One day he responded. He put out a tweet and he was like, I guess it's my folksy Kentucky upbringing. And he was like, he didn't get that we were all being like, why do you say it like a fucking dope? It didn't greasy? It doesn't burn, it didn't greasy. And here's the interesting part is that Chuck Woolery, for those of you who aren't ancient like I am, hosted a TV show called Love Connection.
Starting point is 00:03:26 Yeah, he'll be back in two and two. Two and two, for like a long time. So he was a professional broadcaster. Yeah. And my mother was smitten with him. I think a lot of women were. He's a handsome guy. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:39 And he was, you know, he was the kind of like the matchmaker, the male matchmaker. He was the matchmaker. And then people, this is before we would video the dates and people would come on the show and retell the events of the date. And then Chuck will be like, Tom, did you feel like you could give Christina
Starting point is 00:03:55 a good night kiss? And I'd be like, well, I was a little nervous and I had a lot of garlic. So cute. It was so innocent. Give it up for Mike. I'm a big her. Yeah. So cute. It was so innocent. Give it up for Mike. You remember the- Yeah!
Starting point is 00:04:08 Uh, where's the clip of him saying that a guy's an F-A-G? Where's that clip? Cause it's unbelievable. You ever seen that one? No. Oh yeah, yeah. It's like- This guy and they type out the word
Starting point is 00:04:24 and his last name was f a go t Which always kills me that people don't just change their name. This is so crazy I mean unless he was goofing on Chuck which you may know this is like a real thing I'll play the clip Oh, yeah, yeah, don't see eye to eye on his love life and he claims that his job is cost him several relationships, please welcome Robert It's also like you don't think that guy had heard that enough Oh, yeah, I've been Chuck will you like kind of an odd name and he's like, yeah, I know Yeah, Richard Hitler. You didn't think to change your last this guy's parents
Starting point is 00:05:10 How do you not just petition to just go buy something else? Well, it's so listen women do it all the time when you get married you go down to the Social Security office You go to the DMV you bring the license change your name and you change your name Yeah, you can just do that. You can change your name to And you change your name, yeah. You can just do that. You can change your name to anything you want. You can, yeah. It's totally possible. It's so crazy.
Starting point is 00:05:30 But yeah, God, Chuck Willery brought us so much joy for so long on your mom's house. Rest in peace. He was great, he was great. And he was a hardcore MAGA guy. So he would have been, it's so sad. He really was. That he's dead.
Starting point is 00:05:44 That's so weird. He would have been, it's so sad. He really was. I'm so weird. He said he's dead. He would have been real happy. Maybe this was like, maybe he went out like with a huge smile on his face where he's like, the country's safe. That's why he felt like he could pass. Yeah, because on Twitter there for a while, he was getting real spicy.
Starting point is 00:06:00 I remember he was getting real. I just got an email this morning. I got invited to go to the inauguration. You did? Yeah, but it's a paid, you know, you pay because you're basically funding the inauguration. Oh, okay, yeah. It's a really cool offer.
Starting point is 00:06:14 You mean you didn't contribute to Trump's campaign? It's so much money too. It's like to go to an inauguration. Can you imagine just going there to see some blowhard walk down the street and wave and you're like, I'll pay for this, sure. I think just the sheer volume of people going and getting in and out of the area,
Starting point is 00:06:33 and what a disaster, just regardless of who's being inaugurated. I agree, I'm saying- I wouldn't do it. I'm saying to pay to go to an inauguration would just sounds like such a nightmare. The only inauguration I would go to an inauguration would be sounds like such a nightmare. The only inauguration I would go to and pay for was is Will Blunderfeld. Oh really? When he wins I'll go. When he wins? He might run for prez. He's Canadian. Oh that's
Starting point is 00:06:56 true. Prime Minister? Of Canada, sure. He could run. That's so funny that you didn't know this but we actually have some new Will Blunderfield clips. You're kidding. He's my favorite. Yeah. Well, I think we should probably play the opening of this show. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:07:11 We got so excited. God, today's just, I woke up this morning beyond excited about what's gonna happen. There's a lot going on today. It's so good. It's real exciting. Oh my God. All right, here you go.
Starting point is 00:07:21 Here's your opener, ready? Here you go. Wanna say that ass, the reason why I'm wearing this fucking yellow All right, here you go. Here's your opener ready? Here you go The reason why I'm wearing this fucking yellow fucking weird thing Is my ass is gonna be doing community service for the state of Utah Whoo? I gotta be you why baby Beep beep beep. This shit is big time! Classic. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Yo mom where the fuck is dad? Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura.
Starting point is 00:07:47 Tom Segura. And Christina Pujitsa. Christina Pujitsa. Welcome to your mom's house. There you go. It's a classic and there's a reason why he's going to be considered a, why this is a classic today. We'll get to it in a little bit. I think there's a lot to get into first.
Starting point is 00:08:48 I'm overwhelmed with how much cool stuff is here. Me too. Can I tell you, I woke up this morning just so lathered up to come into the studio and record today's episode, just knowing the vintage YMH stuff we have. And not only that, I would like to take an opportunity here. If you haven't bought your Christmas gift for your lady or gender neutral person in your life that loves lipstick. Could be a guy. Could be a guy. It's not just for women. It's not just for women. It's for cats. It's for pets. It's for whatever
Starting point is 00:09:14 you want. The Perfect Four. These are all four of my lipstick colors, Atomic Red, Madison Berlin, and of course the Perfect Red comes in the package by now. I'm wearing Berlin today to show you how moody Oh, yeah, aren't I seductive? Yeah a little bit and Is that called Berlin? Yeah, it looks like a German girl. Thank you. That's the whole point Yeah, I was so inspired by my trip to sultry. Yeah, I can dark German girls It was like yeah, you lay on the ground and I'll squat over your face. Exactly. Okay.
Starting point is 00:09:46 Exactly, and I tell you what, you buy this lipstick for your lady, she's gonna squat over your face. That is exciting. You may notice if you're watching today's episode, there's a few new faces in the booth and there's a reason for that. We let go of the other staff that was in there
Starting point is 00:10:03 because they were exceptionally disrespectful on the last episode of this show. So we said bye bye to them and hello to the new trio. You know, you don't think you're overreacting a little bit? I do not, I think I'm embracing the Christmas spirit. Tom, it was, for those of you who don't know what he's referring to, it was the choke heard around the world. Here it is for those you don't know what he's referring to it was the choke heard around the world here It is for those that don't know
Starting point is 00:10:28 Hey guys, I was listening to this to the adrian appellucci episode, but by the way She has a great new special out on netflix on netflix. Um You guys are of course what? I just choked for a second I can't choke. Hey, fuck you. It was just scary. I'm Netflix. Why is it scary? I got scared. I thought you were dying. Everyone's fired. Um. We just were worried.
Starting point is 00:10:50 I mean, weren't we all concerned? I'm fine. Netflix. I'm gonna do a drawing for you choking on something. I already know how it's gonna go in my head. There's repercussions. Oh no. Oh yes, there are.
Starting point is 00:11:04 What are you gonna do? Well there's no Christmas party anymore and I'm not doing end of year bonuses and I am taking back your gift. Now let's move on to the next segment. Fuckin' done. What made you choke? Netflix, I can't wait to see you choke.
Starting point is 00:11:15 I hope it's bad. You're spicy today, Tom. You're zesty, you're spicy. It's sad that we're gonna have an all new staff after the new year but I'm looking forward to meeting them. This is everyone's last show, so say your goodbyes. Happy holidays, we'll see you soon. There it is, there's the whole thing.
Starting point is 00:11:36 And that's why you fired everybody and you brought in. Yeah, yeah, we fired them. This is unbelievable. You don't think it's a little. Dude, I like these new faces so much more. I was so over the other ones. You don't think it's a little- Dude, I like these new faces so much more. I was so over the other ones. You don't think this is a little over reactive. No, I think it's perfect.
Starting point is 00:11:49 I think everyone's gotta understand things in life. Tom, let's go over the moment of the choke. Okay. What happened? I mean, I feel like some saliva just kinda, you know, just kinda passed through as I was trying to speak. If I wasn't speaking, nobody would have noticed. So I was speaking and I just had a little... Do you think the saliva was because you had a roogie? Did you have a roogie in your mouth?
Starting point is 00:12:16 I did have a rogie in my mouth. Yeah, I love rogues. Speaking of rogues, it's a great time. This is not a plug. It's not a plug. It's life. I. This is not a plug. It's not a plug, it's a life. I love my roadies. Stupid. It's not a plug, it's life. So dumb.
Starting point is 00:12:34 Somebody gave me, I did the Dallas bar takeover for Porosos last week at the Tavern, which was the best experience I've ever had doing a bar takeover. Like honestly, we all walked out of there like a man if they're like this just we could Do them it was just the place was great somebody gate. They're like. I know you like Rogues I gave me a fresh can of rogues their thing is on there their handle I can't read it though at Cody something anyway great gift great gift great gift, so let's get back to the choke yeah, so I had a roguie and Everything's better already. Every holiday season starts with the best of intentions.
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Starting point is 00:15:36 And I forget, were you reading something there? I was getting ready. I was talking about Adrian Apolucci's new special. I was saying it's great. And I was reading, I think I was reading a message from someone about it. And then as it, I choked, and then you were like. And then the level, excuse me, the level of disrespect from the booth was, I could not ignore it. And so it was just time to-
Starting point is 00:16:04 Time to chop their heads off off with their heads Yeah, because what struck what struck I think the former staff and I was your your you didn't acknowledge the choke and Usually broadcasters or even Chuck Woolery would be oh, excuse me Pardon me. Yeah, maybe I oh my goodness, you know, and you decided oh my goodness Yeah, whoopsie. Oopsie daisy. I choked. Okay, you didn't acknowledge it. What what was going on in your mind? I was just like this is something that everybody understands who's ever spoken that things like this happen sometimes So I just thought everybody was like, yeah, I know what that is. I didn't I thought you were having a seizure and
Starting point is 00:16:45 I thought maybe you were gonna collapse and I was just happy that you were yes still talking But the fact that it was the unacknowledgement of the choke that people were really taken with No, I thought it was yeah, okay So it's taken over the YMH world. I know a lot of people have the choker I'm going to be producing another piece of art to commemorate. Oh for fuck's sake. The choke, just give me some time, I'm working on it.
Starting point is 00:17:10 These things take hours for me to draw. You mean like this, yeah, this last one that you did? It takes days and hours and weeks. Yeah, there's my portrait. Clearly, the thing that's supposed to be me that sold like hotcakes, your super disrespectful artwork, it looks a lot more like Mary Schaeffer than it does me. Well, hold on.
Starting point is 00:17:30 First of all, I'd like to support everyone that purchased a print of my portrait of Tom. Thank you for supporting the arts. Here's the deal, man. This is what I thought, because Ari claims that my portrait looks more like him. He does. Hold on. Is it that the portrait looks like Ari or that you look like a Jew? Have you thought about your Jewish features?
Starting point is 00:17:59 I'm trying to think what else I can take away from you right now. Neona's laughing in the booth. Is she going to get fired too? I'm focused on you right now. You don't think that you have a Jewish, it is the nose. Everybody can see the nose is very, oh, you just look at his profile. Just now he lays, look at that. It hangs over a lot. Okay. Is Josh Zolo still around? No, he's gone.
Starting point is 00:18:26 We have it. The point is. I thought we were doing away with all the Jews here. It is Christmas time. Let's look at some features. That's great guys. Yeah, I think that, okay. I mean, look at the young lady on the top.
Starting point is 00:18:43 Yeah, there you go. What is the link there that says, see that second from the left down? Hook nose. Where it says, no, no, go one to the left. That says nose job numbers are, shoot down. I wonder what is that about for Jews? Pfft.
Starting point is 00:18:59 Grab it. No. No. No. No. Nose jobs are no longer a thing among teenage Jewish girls. Graduation, presents, birthday, gives Hanukkah handouts. We don't know, we don't want to know
Starting point is 00:19:10 what you've received in the second. For decades, no jobs have been a common bequest in the Jewish community. Sure. Okay. Okay, scroll down a little bit. Fueled by a struggling economy, cosmetic surgeries, no jobs being no exception,
Starting point is 00:19:23 are declining across the board. Wait, this is an old article though, right? Or when was this printed? Yeah, 2012, that's very old. All right, nevermind. I remember a girl in high school who was 14 and had a schnoz, like a real fuckin' beak. And she came in, I think it was after the summer break. schnauz like a real fucking beak.
Starting point is 00:19:50 And she came in, I think it was after the summer break with the nose job and looked gorgeous. It's really crazy what I can do. And did you date her? No, I did not date her. There you go. That's Tom. Yeah, there you go. Can you lift up the glasses a little bit
Starting point is 00:20:02 so we can see your full nose? Yeah, and the older you get, turn to the side please, profile. Yeah, it's just getting more and more longer, elongated Jewish nature. I get, people believe. And the baldness. They'll believe if I'm Jewish.
Starting point is 00:20:16 I think they also believe if I'm French. I've had that a lot. When I was in France, everybody thought I was French. Yeah. Yeah. When you have allergies and you're very like, ugh, like celiac disease. You can't eat certain things, it irritates your bell. My bell's bothering me.
Starting point is 00:20:33 I hear that a lot from you, Ira. Okay, so. You're always talking about money. I'm always talking about money? Mm-hmm. Okay. What was I gonna tell you? Now I've forgotten my train of thought. Yeah,
Starting point is 00:20:45 French kind of, sure. I think it's more your attitude, kind of arrogant, like the French. I know you like their, their arrogance and such. This is a really fun episode. Keep going. I'm gonna make a portrait. Just give me time, people. Of a French, chewy, smug, money grubbing. Choking at the same time. Yeah. Well, you know, you look great today. Your hair looks nice. Thanks.
Starting point is 00:21:11 We're gonna put these back on and I can't see them back on dad. Put your damn dad glasses on. There we go. Now. All right. Well, I think it looks more like Ari Schaefer than it does me. God, it actually looks like a fucking exact portrait of him. Again, I think it's that you look like Ari Schafer, not that the drawing looks like Ari. Do you guys think that too? Oh, think carefully before you answer, geez.
Starting point is 00:21:37 No, never. Negative, sir. Are you happy now? You've terrorized the staff. I'm not trying to terrorize, I just wanted to- You've terrorized them. I didn't do trying to terrorize. I just wanted to- You've terrorized them. I didn't do anything.
Starting point is 00:21:47 Is this what you want as a celebrity? You want everybody to be afraid of you and just kowtow, cowering in fear? Well, I'm not doing it, Sakura. I'm not doing it. I don't care. I'll tell you what. You're going to fire me from your mom's house? Good luck. Good luck. Good luck. Good luck. I've got two million people ordering prints that support me here. Okay, good.
Starting point is 00:22:13 You're still gonna have a bad Christmas. You shut up. I've never felt more validated in my life. For what? So let's come back to you though, Mr. Schroeder. So how much have you paid your gate agents? To enforce your carry-on bag policy to pick people out of the line like the chairman's video show I mean you guys do appreciate that flying on your airlines is it is a disaster don't you?
Starting point is 00:22:35 I'm slightly amazed by the general attitude of all of you here flying on your airlines. It's horrible It's terrible experience. I mean I say this as a father of three young children, but I can't tell you, nobody enjoys flying in your airlines. It's a disaster. You charge people fees that they know nothing about. You harass them to death. Yeah, amen.
Starting point is 00:22:58 Senator Hawley giving it to a couple CEOs about the carry on policy. And let me just say this. I was right and I'm always right. to a couple CEOs about the carry-on policy. And let me just say this. I was right and I'm always right. And that girl was a fucking, fuck you too. Oh, is this the, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:15 Well, what was the story again? She told you to. This fucking bitch. Okay. Let me tell you something. Okay. I'm boarding a flight from JFK to Austin, and I'm first in line.
Starting point is 00:23:29 I'm first in line to board. And this bitch goes, "'Hey, you're gonna have to check that bag.'" And I'm like, "'What are we flying on a fucking regional jet from New York?' How big, what bag was it? Was it big, was it a duffel?
Starting point is 00:23:44 It's my roller that I take on every single trip. It's a classic sized carry-on roller. It's an overhead, yeah. Okay, okay. And this fucking bitch goes, hey, you're gonna have to check that bag. And I go, really? Like, what kind of aircraft are we flying on today?
Starting point is 00:23:59 And they're like, oh, you know, I'm like, is it a regional plane? Because sometimes you do it like the little puddle jumpers. The Barbie planes. Where you check everything. Yeah. Like, are we on one of those? Yeah. And they're like, is it a regional plane? Because sometimes you do it like the little puddle jumpers. The Barbie planes. Where you check everything. Yeah. Like, are we on one of those? Yeah. And they're like, oh no, you're on like a 737
Starting point is 00:24:10 or something. I'm like, well, this is the same bag I flew here with and I fly everywhere with this bag. No, it's too big. And I'm like, what? So anyway, I have another employee from the airline with me there. And and I go why is she doing this? And she goes gate agents
Starting point is 00:24:29 like rule this area like we can't over Speak over them basically right and I'm like like whatever she decides is a thing and I'm just like why are you doing this? She's like it's too big and I'm like, it's not too big Anyway, you just give it up, which is what I did. You just go, okay. Oh, that's terrible. Hold on, hold on. So then I get on the plane. I get on the plane and I look and I'm like, this is a standard overhead thing.
Starting point is 00:24:54 So I ask again, I go, why did they take the bag? Right? Now they're just like, she just decided to. But this informs you as to why. No, no, this informs you as to why. No, no, this informs you as to why. It's because the airlines are paying gate agents to confiscate bags. So they're giving them incentives.
Starting point is 00:25:14 They're doing it to make money. So the fucking, oh, that I, so then I went, I went on Twitter and I sat there and I just wrote, what a fucking bitch, you know, fucking whatever. And everyone's like, oh, you threw a tantrum. I was like, it's not really, I didn't verbally accost anybody.
Starting point is 00:25:33 I didn't physically assault anybody, although it would have been a pleasure. I just wrote a couple of tweets, people are like, oh, you lost your mind. I'm like, I didn't lose my mind. The point is I was fucking right. She was just selectively take taking a bag to make a few extra bucks Okay, and your your attitude here today seems to be well devil may care. There's nothing we can do about it
Starting point is 00:25:54 Well, I think we are gonna do something about it. So how much have you paid people? To pull out customers who are in line with a bag. That's two centimeters too big. It's a shorter pull out customers who are in line with a bag that's two centimeters too big, Mr. Schroeder. Well we recognize this is a hard job and so therefore we incentivize them to do that. How much? It's $10 per bag. Wow. $10 per bag and I think Mr. Klein, you and Mr. Schroeder, your airlines cumulatively have spent $26 million paying gate agents between 2022 and 2023 to catch passengers whose bags are a
Starting point is 00:26:27 little bit too big. 26 million dollars. I mean if people want to know why it's such a terrible experience to fly, this is news for them today. Your airlines are paying millions of dollars to your employees to harass people who've already paid. They're there in line because they've already paid. They're there in line because they've already paid. Wow. So I'm just saying, this is exactly what happened to me and I just wanna say it again. I was right and you're still a fucking. Wow, vindicated.
Starting point is 00:26:55 And may I say something else, Tom? I would like to congratulate you for getting through that entire speech without choking. Look at my nose. And I'm sure the staff appreciates it too. We've got another exciting week of hoops coming up and I've got the perfect way to get you even closer to the action on the court right now.
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Starting point is 00:29:30 Save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com and get $35 off Aura's best-selling Carver Matte Frames by using promo code MOM at checkout. That's AuraFrames.com, promo code MOM. This deal is exclusive to our listeners so get yours now in time for the holidays terms and conditions apply no that is sinister I had no idea I had no idea I know I didn't know and I always hate that too where they're like you're gonna check the game and if you're gonna have to check it in it's like dude why but the whole point the thing is that people are like oh some people get their back it's like dude why but the whole point The thing people is that people are like, oh some people get their back
Starting point is 00:30:06 It's like yet it shouldn't have been taken though. It wasn't Oversized no and also you're like the first guy on yeah I was like shouldn't you see if someone else's bag doesn't fit later on later on because you it stands to reason that you would have Enough space to put it. It's even if even if it is bigger, but it wasn't. That is so, and those two airlines, by the way, that Senator Hawley is- Oh my God. Hands down the worst airlines.
Starting point is 00:30:32 And I think you guys can, we're not gonna say their names, but you can intuitively guess. Oh yeah, you can figure it out. You can figure it out. It's so weird how shitty they can be. I know. It's like, that's probably the most dangerous form of travel and the most, you know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:30:49 Like they should be. I know. That's terrible. And this whole thing just works people up to like, this whole world of like, it's an abuse of power. It is. It's overreaching, and it's just,
Starting point is 00:31:04 now it's to, you know to fill somebody else's pockets up. And then the holidays are here, and then these poor families are just trying to get across the country to visit grandma. And they're gonna stick it to you. Yeah, could you imagine? They'll stick it to you. You're flying with kids, and they're gonna fucking
Starting point is 00:31:20 take away your carry-on when you need stuff for the kid in the bag, or. Yeah. And then they just cancel your flights and they're like, well, guess you're fucked. You're spending the night in Detroit or whatever. That was the worst part of touring for the last 20 years. You would just get stuck in cities. I would get stuck in airports just overnight.
Starting point is 00:31:38 Guess you're sleeping in Hartford. Like, what? That's it? You're not gonna, they wouldn't rebook you automatically on another flight. Remember that shit? Totally. God? You're not gonna... They wouldn't rebook you automatically on another flight. Remember that shit? Totally. God!
Starting point is 00:31:47 They're just such cool. We got um... The worst. We got derailed, you know? Like, hey, we're not flying. Everybody was... And I was at the gate with like a hundred people. And they're like, yeah, they're canceling the flight, so tomorrow.
Starting point is 00:32:01 And someone was like, well, where are you putting us up? And they're like, oh, we're not doing that. Yeah. And this group of people got closer to the gate and they're like, no, no, no, we are gonna put you up. They switched. They got the money. I watched them switch.
Starting point is 00:32:14 They were just like, here's your vouchers, here you go. Oh, they have the money to put you up. Don't you worry about it. By the way, guys, if I were you and you're, I mean, always look up, there's a lot of accounts on TikTok and places to find out hacks like if they cancel your flight You're entitled to whatever always aware. There's always a way just look at these fuckers. They're ripping you off It's just so it's egregious. Well, this will let's change the mood a little ha
Starting point is 00:32:40 No, I'm so upset. I know let's have a little fun now. Okay, okay. Hi, this is Frankie Valley Sorry, we missed your last time But we're coming back on September the fifth to the Cobb Center So get your friends together come by and we'll really have a great time There you go. Happy holiday. Hold on. Come see Frankie again.
Starting point is 00:33:08 Oh my God. I'm having a good time. He can't even get out the words. So sad. So we've been playing these videos because they just don't make any sense to us Where you're seeing somebody like not seeing it's so strange he's 90 he's 90 years old And so finally we got an email about it. It's happy to share it with you guys Hey Tim and Tina I work in audio production at a theater in Canada where Frankie Valleyi performed a few months ago. Just want to say it was one of the biggest
Starting point is 00:33:47 bummer shows I've ever seen. I have no idea as to why they're dragging that half cadaver on stage, but I can tell you about some of the technical fuckery from a tech perspective. First of all, he is obviously singing to tracks recorded in the 70s by our guests guests as are the backup singers. Frankie also has a switch, has a mic with a switch that he can turn on between songs to talk to the audience but once the song is on he switches the mic off and does the uh what is it Nosferatu thing? Nosferatu. Nosferatu thing. A real goth would have known that. Got it. He seemed like a nice old man but the whole crew was really sad that day.
Starting point is 00:34:26 Where are the bodies? They're on stage. Hope this doesn't scare you. Well, thanks, Dan. I mean, I think too, isn't it kind of, I mean, it's kind of duplicitous too for an audience. You think you're paying to watch Frankie Valli sing live, and then he's singing to the tracks.
Starting point is 00:34:43 Okay, fine. That's the gig. Wouldn't's singing to the tracks. Okay, fine, that's the gig. Wouldn't you want to put up the audio, maybe of a track that he could sing like 10 years ago? Do you know what I mean? Like a recording live, not the actual 70s recording. Do you see what I'm saying? Like put up like kind of a coherent performance vocally
Starting point is 00:35:04 that he could. Of course. Well, who's going to the show though? If he's 90, his fans have to be. Yeah, exactly. Jesus Christ. They're probably just like, that was crazy good. They don't know what's going on.
Starting point is 00:35:16 You think they're just checked out? Yeah, of course. They're all vampires like him. It's not somebody like in their 30s. Can you believe, but at 90, God bless him, he can still get out there? Yeah. 90, how does he even get to these gigs? He's flying? Tom.
Starting point is 00:35:33 Yeah. Is he flying, do you think he can afford to fly private? No, because that's why he's doing these gigs, is to make money. I don't think so. Why at 90? What do you think is going on? I mean... Is it a legacy thing?? What do you think is going on? I mean, Is it a legacy thing? Is he like, I'm going out? There's only really two good explanations.
Starting point is 00:35:49 One would be that he's like, well, if I stopped doing this, like a lot of people, you know how they go, like the guy retires and then he dies. It's like, you have to like have something to keep working towards. Yes. The other one is that there is an actual need for money.
Starting point is 00:36:04 Money. I mean, that's the only other explanation. But his success happened at a time when people made residuals, yeah? Like he's got so many hits, right? I would think so, but there's always that lifestyle thing. Okay, how about this? How many ex-wives does he have?
Starting point is 00:36:18 Let's look at the life. Is there like multiple kids? Is like families on the payroll? That's always a very logical explanation for it, you know? Also people that are high level earners who, oh, I'm seeing multiple marriages already. Oh, there we go. Four times.
Starting point is 00:36:38 Oh, Frankie Valley's family, from his son with a restraining order, okay. So there's some drama. Two children with the first, none with the second. Three with the third. The fourth, let's see. 28, yeah, okay. So he has six children.
Starting point is 00:36:55 Six children's a lot of kids. Tom, how are you gonna ruin your life? I don't know. Now that you're famous and successful and rich and stuff. Are you gonna do multiple marriages? Are you gonna start a trafficking ring with your buddies on an island? What kind of mayhem are you gonna get into?
Starting point is 00:37:14 The trafficking thing sure sounds fun. You know what would be crazy? I was thinking about a couple of things that would be like a fun thing. I think I have to level up a few more times before I can do this. One would be to a fun thing. I think I have to level up a few more times before I can do this. One would be to hunt endangered species. Like, you know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:37:30 When they go, there's 11 of these birds left. And then I go, well, now there's 10. One of those, that seems really cool. Cause that, does that really exist? That people are like, they're like, I'm gonna go to Africa and hunt the ivory tusks elephant that there's one left. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:37:48 Yeah. Yeah, it's a whole lot. It's all about money, right? It looks like you can just pay, yeah. You can hunt an Arabian onyx for 10 grand. Why? Yeah. So you think you're gonna get into hunting
Starting point is 00:38:04 endangered species? The cost to hunt an African bongo antelope is $35,000. But I know it's a lot of money, but think about the joy. The joy of being like there's one less. This world only had a few, now there's one less because of me. That sounds like a real... But I'll tell you what I think... You're making your mark.
Starting point is 00:38:24 What the highest level thing is. Sure. And I think you really have to have well into nine figures, maybe 10 figures to do this, is you go to a war torn, just really depressed place. Some place where it's just apocalypse now, here currently in 2024, soon to be 2025, and you just, you pay someone to hunt people.
Starting point is 00:38:50 I bet that is probably something you can do where you just go, oh, I'm godlike. You're top of the heap. Now hold on, yes and, as they say in the improv world, I'm gonna yes and you. I feel like doing it in a war-torn country is too easy. We could drop you in Somalia or Ukraine right now, hand you a rifle and boom, you're in the war.
Starting point is 00:39:13 Too easy. Okay. You can hunt and kill first world people. Like New York City, they take you into New York City and you can stab a tourist. Like the CEO that just got assassinated. Look at this, Russian luxury offer pirate hunting cruises. That sounds so Russian.
Starting point is 00:39:33 For sure. Wealthy pay, what is it? 5,800 per day, that's it. That's nothing. To patrol the most dangerous waters in the world, hoping to be attacked by raiders. When attacked, they retaliate with grenade launchers, machine guns, and rocket launchers. That's fucking badass.
Starting point is 00:39:50 What a relaxing vacay. That is so fucking cool. Yeah. Oh, the yachts travel from Djibouti to Somalia. From Djibouti in Somalia to Mombasa in Kenya. The ships deliberately cruise close to the coast at a speed of just five nautical miles in an attempt to attract entrance of pirates. Yeah. Holy shits.
Starting point is 00:40:11 At least the pirates have the decency to take hostages. These people are just paying to commit murder. That's fucking awesome. And I'll tell you what, that is so Russian. Yeah, so Russian. That is so fucking Russian. And I think it's really cool. Well, I do like that somebody is
Starting point is 00:40:28 capitalizing on what pieces of shit these wealthy people can be. It's really cool. I still hope that that luxury ocean liners in Russia, that is fucking incredible. Could you imagine? 5,800 a day, that's reasonable man. Yeah, you can totally do that. That's not that crazy. It's not that crazy, but is this in rubles or whatever? No, that's this dollar pounds us dollars there. Okay. Yeah, so six grand a day To get hunted by I fucking hope we get attacked today and I'm gonna fire a rocket launcher Into a ship with an 18 year old Somali kid
Starting point is 00:41:03 Right just some poor, desperate person. Yeah, some fucking kid who goes, I don't know what else to do. I'm just trying to feed my family. Dude, and then I did and they fucking blew up. It was amazing. Fuck. Yeah, that would be really cool.
Starting point is 00:41:15 So cool. You know, and people, OhmyDesus, who we've seen. Yes, of course. He made a, I think it's a perfect transition from that conversation, a collection of me as famous killers. Yeah. Oh.
Starting point is 00:41:31 Yeah, so there he did. He made me as Ted Kaczynski right there. That's really good. It's really good. There's another one. Pretty cool. Oh my God, yeah. Lots of Ted.
Starting point is 00:41:42 May I just point out that your eye bags really fit the profile. Thank you very much. It really helped blend in. my god. Yeah, it's a Ted man. I just point out that your eye bags really fit the profile Thank you very much. Thank you Who's this fellow that's Larry Hall Oh There we go Charlie Charlie Manson, yeah, that one's good. Yeah. Well, he really did a good job the swastika He really burned in there. Nice. Yeah. Oh Ed Kemper Okay, I like how you know all these fellas right off the bat. I Don't even know these guys. Look at that
Starting point is 00:42:12 That's good. Yeah, it's pretty cool man. Yeah, I kind of like you more as Domber. Yeah, you're cute as a blonde Yeah, very cute There we are Green River Killer That one's awesome. That is cool. Wow. Bundy. There you go, fresh shaven.
Starting point is 00:42:30 That's a younger Tom. I was just there, I was just in Tallahassee. That's where he was a big time goofball and he went into the... Yo, here's a rich guy thing you can get into is doing pilgrimages to where like serial killer stuff happened. So we were talking to the cops in Tallahassee
Starting point is 00:42:48 and we're like, hey, you know the Bundy? He's like, yeah. You know that guy? And we're like, so is that house, the Omega Chi house? He's like, it's still there. And I was like, does it ever, you know, he's like, well, every once in a while, we'll get a call that some fucking weird guy
Starting point is 00:43:06 is just like, can I take pictures and like walk around? And we have to go like take that guy out of there. But he's like, yeah, it's still. But that's another rich guy lane. Like for instance, Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor, when he recorded an album, he requested to record it in the Charles Manson, Sharon Tate Murder House on C.L.O. Drive.
Starting point is 00:43:26 Very cool. Yeah, so you can do cool things like that. You know who does cool stuff like that all the time? It's Yoshi. He always goes to like. You don't have to be wealthy. Every location where something horrible is happening. He's like, hi, I'm here.
Starting point is 00:43:37 People die here, hello. Just want to chime in. Yep, yep. Son of Sam. That was good. Your hairline's. Yep, yep. Son of Sam. Ah, that was good. Your hairline's pretty cool there. That is pretty cool. He really nailed these Photoshop spins.
Starting point is 00:43:51 Dude, he's really talented. John Wayne Gacy. Oh yeah, look at the smile, you got your gran. Pretty crazy to smile on an arrest like that, you know? But can I tell you, why not? You're already going down. You're done, I know. You may as well do a goofy mugshot photo if you're gonna go down, who cares?
Starting point is 00:44:08 Oh my God, look how sweet you are there, who's that? Rodney Alcala, yeah. Yeah, you look cute there, sweet. And there's Dahmer again, yeah. He really likes you as Dahmer, he did you twice as Dahmer. But three times as Kaczynski. Oh, that's true, yeah, you match that. Pretty cool. Good work. Oh my Jesus
Starting point is 00:44:26 Mm-hmm thing good use of talent. Huh good use of yeah. I know you'll like something like this This is the old name name prank thing. I love you said that you can call for my brother real quick. Yeah Yeah, whoo-chee. Yeah Attention customers, can I please have Mike Hoochie to the service desk please? Can I please have Mike Hoochie to the service desk? Thank you. Mike? Mike.
Starting point is 00:44:57 Hoochie. Lee Hee-Bong, can you please come see electronic? Lee Hee-Bong. His name's Dylan. He goes by Dill, though. You can just say Dill. What's money. His name's Dylan. He goes by Dill, though. You can just say Dill. Which is my name? Dill.
Starting point is 00:45:10 Dill Doe. Rub-a-Dee. Rub-a-Dee? Yeah, last name's Snuts. Rub-a-Dee Snut, can you meet your party at the video? Rub-a-Dee Snut, can you meet your party at the video? Hey. Oh, this is good clean fun. I know you'd. Hey. Oh, it's just good clean fun.
Starting point is 00:45:25 I know you'd like that. Yeah, it's good fun. There's two things I'm really into right now. The diarrhea videos and like these silly call out name ones. The diarrhea videos. Yeah. Yeah. I always like diarrhea.
Starting point is 00:45:35 I like caca. That guy who does like diarrhea tests. Yeah, where he's like. Look. People always tag Christina P and Tom Segura from your mom's house podcast. No fucking way. Or comments on my videos. The truth is, Tom Segura from your mom's house podcast No fucking way The truth is Tom Segura used to fill my holes with the black guys in the truck stop before he was famous
Starting point is 00:45:52 More like what your mom's house prolapse What is this true Tom? This is true. This is true. I didn't want this to come out today, but it's Christmas season. Oh wow Well, I'm still curious about his diarrhea findings. I mean I get to the point, you know I didn't want this to come out today, but it's Christmas season. Oh, wow. Yeah. Well, I'm still curious about his diarrhea findings. I mean, I get to the point, you know? Yeah. Oh, well, I guess we'll never know. Apparently, IG took down his diarrhea test.
Starting point is 00:46:13 No! Because I was hoping to get a Thanksgiving one. Thankfully, we've saved quite a few of them. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Thankfully. Thankfully, yeah. Diarrhea test.
Starting point is 00:46:24 Yeah, come on, man. Don't stop doing what you're good at. Also, you know our buddy Will Blunderfeld? Of course I know Will Blunderfeld. Are you just? Speaking of butts and everything, we, some of the team here, the research team, was able to find videos of his that were on another channel before he started doing all these learning
Starting point is 00:46:46 and informational posts. No way. Yeah, it's pretty cool. That's cool. I like to see his early work. What's up, yogis? So the anus particularly is considered very dirty and faggity in our society.
Starting point is 00:46:58 I wasn't expecting that. But it's quite often. Yeah. So you can see that. Ny, ny, ny, ny, ny, ny, ny. Don't stretch it so hard, Will. It's quite tight. Yikes.
Starting point is 00:47:08 Naona, can you please stop covering your face? Actually, my teacher, my mom actually says anytime you do any sort of anal play, if using a butt plug or a dildo, you should squeeze and release. Wow. Na na na na na na na na. I'm with Naona here.
Starting point is 00:47:19 I don't know what it is. The reason why I'm showing you my anus is to kind of take the lustfulness out of it. To take the shame, guilt. The lust is gone. I'm not. Yeah. The lust is gone. Isn't that cool? Oof. Oh well. He's just, he's so grabby. And it feels a little bit like you have to piss and a little bit like you're having an orgy.
Starting point is 00:47:46 I invite you to just play with your anus, especially if you identify as a heterosexual male. Placing the fingers on the anus, massaging around the anus. I don't know. I feel the same way right now. It's my own anus. Okay, wow. Look, I love Will, I love you, Will. It just, I tell you what I don't like, Tom.
Starting point is 00:48:04 Tell me. What is hard for me to watch, I should say. I love him, I love his anus, I love you Will. I tell you what I don't like Tom. What it's hard for me to watch I should say. I love him, I love his anus, I love his body. I think he's fantastic. He's just a little grabby. It's a little forceful how he opens his anus with his. You know like just be tender sweetie, be tender. You'll get there, you'll get there. You just gotta kinda.
Starting point is 00:48:20 Yeah just be tender with yourself. You're thinking kind of like a person who's still. Dirty and faggity. But if you kind of relax and do it, it'll be fine. Okay? He's just so, and his fingers are bigger than mine because he's a man, you know? And I feel for his anus because it's a little too grabby.
Starting point is 00:48:40 You don't like your anus? I don't consider my anus a sexual, for me it's just caca, caca comes out. I'm not into putting stuff in there, no. Well this is a good transition for you because this is also something I've been so excited to share so many things with you today. Here is one of them.
Starting point is 00:48:58 You can take it. Here's a happy Thanksgiving. Yes. It comes from the Avenue. Today I'm gonna demonstrate peanut wong on ice, going to demonstrate my Pinot Noir on ice. My red wine. Pinot Noir on ice. Special dish that I cook every Thanksgiving.
Starting point is 00:49:09 Italian Busciolone. It's an Italian dish my grandma started about 80 years ago. So I'll show you how to drink the wine with it. Here's your Italian food. Okay. Delicious. Do that and then put some garlic and rice in there. Yeah, so good.
Starting point is 00:49:28 Take one sip to help some of the grease go down. Yeah, dude. What'd you been up to, Joe? Good audio, too. For a video. I got a bottle to go with, too. Yeah, you might want to go outdoors where maybe it's quiet. Maybe go to like a football game next time and record it in the stands.
Starting point is 00:49:49 There you go. Happy Thanksgiving. He's great. So he's absolutely my favorite. Yeah. I do like that. He puts ice in red wine. Look your Floridian. He's an outlier. It was definitely he's a creator and inventor, but your floridian relatives all put ice in their white wine. Why not put it in the red? Hey, do what you want.
Starting point is 00:50:09 Why not? Whatever you like. What rule is that? There's no rules. Yeah, you can do whatever the heck you want. I really like that. You can drink what you want. You can also make a salmon milkshake if you want.
Starting point is 00:50:19 Of course. You know what I love when he, which is so true, because it's such a subtle distinction when he's like, you feel the grease going down your throat And you're like yeah, that's the joy of eating a process to me is the grease runs down your throat Yeah, you know I never thought of it grease. It's so good. He's right. He's right So now is the most exciting part of this show is we played an opening clip of a Legendary guy here. I'm sweating. I'm so excited
Starting point is 00:50:59 Oh, yeah, Tony's fired, you know 19 virus Oh, yeah. Tony's fired, you know, 19 virus. And he's gone. He does such a great impression of Tony. He does. We'll have to reach out to him sometime. So and through the years, you know, we learned about him getting a DUI and take your take your oovers, you know, and then things kind of took a turn you know things got kind of crazier with Tony John you know it's been bugging me lately my motherfucking neighbor you know keeps on you know harassing me whatever you know what I'm saying so yeah long story short you know his wife comes home early from work you know his wife comes home and you know, she's like Tony
Starting point is 00:51:47 Can I get some help with my groceries cuz I was you know working on my car? Mm-hmm. I Fucked up a bulb on my passenger, you know front side, but whatever sauce working on my car and she's like Groceries I was like Can I have some help with the groceries? I was like, alright. I'll help you with some groceries. One thing leads to another. I end up sleeping with my neighbor's wife. Wow. We all party.
Starting point is 00:52:13 Wow. And, I don't know, then it just like, we would hear from it from time to time. It was like fun and playful and DUIs and fucking neighbors. And then it was like, fuck me in the ass. Fuck you. Come on, fuck me in the ass, motherfucker. And it got kind of different, you know. Yeah. And then, you know, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:52:41 It's just. And it's super crazy. You know, I've been going through a lot lately. You know, I've been going through a lot of shit. You know, I don't know. It's just and it's super crazy. You know, I've been going through a lot lately You know, I've been going through a lot of shit You know no fucking friends the government's fucking trying to fuck me over and I'm pissed off And then it kind of got to that place We were like shit and then we just kind of didn't hear from him for a long time years and then we saw posts where It was like,
Starting point is 00:53:05 oh, he was like, I'm in a much better place now. Right, he posted that he had reconnected with some family and he was working a job. We're like, oh, that's great. And then we come in and the staff tells us that we're actually gonna get to chat with him. I cannot, hold on, before we even get into it, Tom. Yes, Tom. Yes.
Starting point is 00:53:26 Yes. This might be, like, one of the greatest moments in YMH history. It's pretty great. I would say this could be as monumental as the time we called Robert Paul Champagne. It's pretty cool. It is pretty cool. I mean, I've loved Tony John's for years
Starting point is 00:53:47 Admired him laughed with him enjoyed his work. And now we're gonna speak with we're gonna chat with him Yeah, I'm super curious. Oh my gosh. Okay. Can I pee first cuz I'm like so excited. Yeah, sure And we are back. Oh my god, you went peachy. He did. I'm so nervous and now we're gonna call Tony John's here we go How come cool guys can't just answer their phones it's it's so stringing funny Cool guys don't know how phones work. Well, what's going on? Yo, Tony, what's up, man?
Starting point is 00:54:31 What's going on, partner? What's going on, dude? How are you? Good, man. How you been? We're doing well, man. We were just, you know, reminiscing on the old times when we first learned about you, and we're so excited to be able to chat with you now. So I'm Tom, of course, this is Christina. Hi, Tony. Hey, what's going on, you guys?
Starting point is 00:54:52 Oh my gosh, I'm so excited to speak with you. Yeah, this is a real treat, man. So let's, if you don't mind, like, where are you now? Like, where are you living now? Upstate New York, man. Upstate New York. And how are you living now? Upstate New York, man. Upstate New York. And how are you liking it? To be honest, I like it, man.
Starting point is 00:55:11 I've met a lot of really, you know, a lot of very nice people out here. So I like it, man. That's good. I do miss, you know, Tom, Tom to be honest man, like I do miss Out West too. Yeah, I really do but uh, but New York's my home now. So well, yeah I mean you were the sexiest Italian guy in Utah. So you have to take You have to take that leave that but now you're the guy in upstate New York
Starting point is 00:55:44 Yeah, man. Yeah, I'm uh, you know, I'm trying to try to you know, I don't know try my best Just you know stay focused and working and that's great. Yeah, man So that's great. So you've met some good people. It sounds like you have some stability, right? With life and with the job. Yeah, man. Yeah, I got my own place now.
Starting point is 00:56:14 Great. Just kind of taking it day by day, man. I have a question for you, Tony. In a video you said that you reunited with your, you said you found found your maternal your mother Okay, I thought I thought there is a video where you said you like reunited with your family or with your mother Oh, yeah, so I Yeah, so I I'm adopted I I moved out
Starting point is 00:56:44 out here in New York to be closer with my biological family. Right. So you did get to reconnect? Yeah, oh yeah, yeah man. That's great! Wow! Yeah, but yeah, no, I love it out here. You know, I really do like All my family's out here now and yeah, I mean things are going real good Tom I haven't had a drink and geez man ever since I was 23 Wow
Starting point is 00:57:16 My parents that adopted me out West they ended up passing away. So I I just packed up a couple suitcases and moved out West or out east. So yeah, the whole story is kind of wild. But I'm doing a lot better now, you guys. That's great. You know, I really am. That's great. Can I ask Tony, what prompted this complete change in your life? change in your life? Um, it's kind of a sad story, but it's also a good story. My mom that adopted me out west was very, very sick,
Starting point is 00:57:52 and she always wanted the best for me. She wanted me to change. She wanted me to, you know, stop partying, stop drinking, just because she knew I was, to be honest with you you guys she knew I was a very very nice man a Very genuine person. I just you know I like to party. I like to you know have a good time But that's you know that was one of the wishes that she that she wanted me to You know to pursue to stop drinking stop partying. You know party sober You know you don't you don't need a drink you know to have a good time which which I totallyying, you know, party sober, you know. You don't need to drink, you know, to have a good time,
Starting point is 00:58:26 which I totally agree. Sure. You know. That's awesome, Tony. But yeah, yeah, yeah, I've been, yeah, you know, like I'll go out and stuff, but like I won't, I won't drink, if that makes sense. No, that does, I mean, people can go out
Starting point is 00:58:40 and have a good time without having a drink, for sure. Back in the day, like when we were first Finding you know you were telling people take your uvers and all that shit You were you were really tying one on right like what was a Tony John's? party day like in the drinking time um I Just to be honest man. I I partied by myself a lot of the times I You know like I don't know man. It was I partied by myself a lot of the times.
Starting point is 00:59:08 I don't know man, it was, I don't know. Yeah, so, but you were like, were you a beer guy or were you like a cocktail guy? Yeah. You were a beer guy. No, I had Bud Lights and a whiskey, man. I'm big a Bud Light and whiskey guy. Gotcha, okay. And that's when you got a DUI baby.
Starting point is 00:59:22 Yeah, you got it. Yeah, yep, yep. So I, but you know, I mean, and you know, I, to be honest, Tom, like I was, I was young, man. You know, I was 21, 22 back then. I was young and dumb, you know, you know. No, we were all there, I know. Yeah, man, no, I totally, you know what?
Starting point is 00:59:39 I totally agree, Tom, like, you know, everybody does make mistakes in life and it's just moving on from those mistakes. Well, yeah. Oh, I have a question, Tom. Like, you know, everybody does make mistakes in life and it's just moving on from those mistakes. You know? Oh, I have a question, Tony. We know that you've been a ladies man your whole life. Is there a potential future Mrs. Johns? To be honest, yes.
Starting point is 01:00:00 I am. What? Yes. Tell us about her. I am what tell us about her so She probably doesn't want me to say this but I I you know, I have been you know talking I I've been on a few dates, you know, and and you know, I I like this girl. I'm not gonna say her name Sure. She is she's a local girl out here in Auburn.
Starting point is 01:00:29 And she's the only girl that I've been talking to. She's really beautiful, you know, blonde hair. She's got, you know, tattoos. Very, very beautiful. Nice. Yeah, she's my age. She's 27. I'm 28. So, but she's, you know, she's around my age. But she is a very, very genuine, very kind, loving,
Starting point is 01:00:45 she's amazing. Like I really, really do probably see a future down the road with this girl. Wow. Wow. So ladies man is just gonna become a one lady man. Yes sir, yes sir Tom. Okay, all right. Well, these are all great updates.
Starting point is 01:01:01 You sound much more grounded and much more, you know, like happy and together with everything that you've found in your life with the job and the family and this girl. This is all great news, man. Thanks, Tom. Yeah. I appreciate it, man. Well, I hope you continue to, you know, pursue and embrace your sobriety and just, you know,
Starting point is 01:01:23 surround yourself with good people. Thanks man and yeah this girl man I mean I've been on a couple dates now and you know things are going really well and it's kind of I don't know I don't know you guys it's kind of love at first sight you know so it's kind of nice. Well let me tell you something Tony everybody at the YMH family is rooting for you. We are thrilled that you have your life in such great place and we're all rooting for you. And will you please let us know if you do get married?
Starting point is 01:01:57 Yes, ma'am, I will. You gotta keep us updated. Can you give us a Tony John woo on your way out of here? Oh yeah, woo, come on, man. Woo! We up outta here! You guys have a good night. Hey, you too, bro. I love you, Tony John. Thanks, you guys. Thanks, buddy. Bye-bye. Alright, bye. Hey! What? Dude, that is, look, in the history of YMH, cool guys, we've yet to have one completely turn his life around. I mean, that is a really remarkable call. You normally don't ever leave the club once you're in.
Starting point is 01:02:35 You never, you don't make it out alive, that's for sure. And I, it's also remarkable how young this guy is. I had no idea he was so young. I had no idea. There's no way to really, you know. No, you can't tell. I think we should really salute this guy. I mean, seriously.
Starting point is 01:02:49 I mean, yes. Like he's turned his life around. I am deeply actually moved by Tony's story. I mean, he really turned his shit around. We didn't think this guy was gonna last. First of all, it also shows you a cool guy has to leave his physical location. He moved thousands of miles from From like where cool shit was happening
Starting point is 01:03:11 Yes, he embraced sobriety, which was very necessary for him and Surrounded himself with family people who love you and care about you Got a job that is stable and he's going to. So it's all the things that you think that somebody could, in this situation, would be incapable of doing, and he did it. So it's very impressive. Now, but however, in true cool guy fashion, crummy audio.
Starting point is 01:03:37 Yeah, the audio will never change. You always have to have bad audio. The camera angles and the audio, it's like your DNA. You just can't shake it. You can't shake it. You can's like your DNA. You just can't, you can't shake it. You can't shake it. You can take the cool guy out of the club, but you can't take the club out of the club. No, you can't take the coolness
Starting point is 01:03:50 out of the fucking recording quality. Never. But I am genuinely thrilled for him. I am too. And I never, I never thought we would see a cool guy pull off. This really is a holiday season episode. It is.
Starting point is 01:04:04 Yeah. It's a Christmas vibe. It's Christmas vibes all the way That's very fucking cool, bro. God bless every one of us even Tony John's. Yeah Especially Tony John's because of a different cool guy. We were on a family trip I'm thinking about it every day and this guy we were at the pool at a nice hotel. We're at a nice hotel. And we see this old piece of shit walk in with his lady. They're both just- Why is he a piece of shit?
Starting point is 01:04:35 He's just fucking about to go. Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? I felt that he wasn't a good person and nor was his wife. When they came in, I could tell they weren't nice. He fucking hobbles over, right? Hobbles over and he lays on a pool chair, whatever you want to call it, right? And he's just laying there.
Starting point is 01:04:56 And then at one point, I'm sitting next to you and I go, hey, look over here. This fucking guy decided to throw, he laid down, put a towel over himself, kind of half put over, take off his shorts and his underwear, and put on his bathing suit right there at the pool. And lean, so you get like ass shots and ball shots as he pulls up. And then when you finally are ready to pull up, he just the towel full ass mooned everybody and puts on his bathing suit
Starting point is 01:05:28 it's like hey buddy there's bathrooms here oh not and there's also rooms in your fucking your hotel room is here oh yeah do you know that our children are so modest they won't do that like I've offered like hey put a towel around you and I'll know this, the audacity of somebody to show their balls and their old ass to everybody. And you're just fucking lazy and inconsiderate. And just for that, we don't know who you are. We don't know your name.
Starting point is 01:05:55 We don't think of value, but you. The Cool Guy Club. Yeah. Are the newest member of the Cool Guy Club. But what's interesting about, so Tom and I, I would, I mean, I don't think you would disagree with me, but we love people watching. I think you and I are,
Starting point is 01:06:13 in addition to our new love of murder together, that's a new thing we're gonna get into together. I'm on the John Bonet case. I'm completely, whatever, I'm so deep into this, solving this crime, I'm almost there. But we love observing people in the wild. Yeah crazy people. Remember it is at the same resort We saw a guy Scrub his foot skin off of his feet
Starting point is 01:06:37 With the cheese grater that you use this is the actual instrument at the pool at the pool He just was like I'll just do this here. I mean, are you fucking out? Now do you think it has to do with just being old? Yeah, and not caring anymore about anybody. Yeah, just like, I'm doing this. I needed to do this. I don't care.
Starting point is 01:06:57 Is there a sign that says I can't scrape my feet here? Yeah, it's just totally inconsiderate. I know, I feel like they have to put signs now. Just another old piece of shit. Oh my God. Yeah, it's just totally just totally inconsiderate. I know I feel like they have to put signs just another old piece of shit Just god yeah Ridiculous and that's one that's burned into my mind every time I go to a public pool Now is the guy shaving his his feet off Oh, and I've seen people clip their toenails at the gate of an airport I've seen that too. You're also like you out of your mind unforgivable
Starting point is 01:07:24 I've seen somebody eat a bag of hard-boiled eggs. At the fucking... At the terminal. That is so disgusting and smelly, guys. Come on. So crazy. I know. I know you're not a sports fan.
Starting point is 01:07:37 Yeah. You have to see this. This is one of the... This is like a generational baseball prospect. Okay. Look how this guy fucking pitches here. Look at this. This is like a generational baseball prospect. Look how this guy fucking pitches here. Look at this, this is insane. Looks like Rob Eiler.
Starting point is 01:07:51 Whoa. I hate you. He's so great. Like, you know you're gonna vomit. Just for people listening, it's the guy that pitched and he's puking at the same time. During the pitch. And so this clip went viral and this guy
Starting point is 01:08:05 Was like yeah, just to clarify. Yes. I was sick, but he stayed in the game and he still pitched sick puking during his pitches in that crazy I hate you so fucking much. You just wait for this next drawing. I'm not looking at it again You shitbag you think I'm stupid fool me once dummy. I'm not looking you it again you shitbag. You think I'm stupid? Fool me once, dummy. I'm not looking you dumb fucking piece of shit. You almost called me. I hope you choke on your fucking roogie. No.
Starting point is 01:08:34 Yep. You just wait for this picture. Oh I'm- you think I'm expecting something nice from you? No, you're a terrible person. I know. Okay. Hate you so much. Why are you showing me that? I just thought know. Okay. I hate you so much. Well- Why are you showing me that? I just thought it was cool.
Starting point is 01:08:47 It's not fucking cool. I thought it was cool. Why did you ruin my day? I was so happy to talk to Timmy John. I was too. I just thought it was fun. You're such a fucking asshole. Alright, here's your TikToks.
Starting point is 01:08:57 Ready? No, that makes me happier. A big black dick. But only in my mouth. I'm already 60 and I'm already worried about anal leakage problems. I don't need that asshole stretched out any more than it is.
Starting point is 01:09:11 He's Canadian. I've seen this guy's clips before. It's pretty cool. Made, stretched out. Yeah, yep. He wants a big black one, but only in his mouth. Well, yeah, you don't want your asshole stretched out. Do you want your mouth stretched out?
Starting point is 01:09:22 No. I don't know. Talk to Will. He's the expert on this kind of stuff, actually. We should ask him. Yeah, he might have an opinion on that. Everyone's different though. There's people right now who are going like this.
Starting point is 01:09:32 No, everyone's the same. Yeah. I don't want that. Which team are you on? Getting your mouth stretched? And then some people are like, no, I don't want that. Do you think people are really discussing this topic right now?
Starting point is 01:09:40 I mean, internally, somebody right now is like, I love having my mouth stretched out. And then somebody's like, mm now is like I love having my mouth stretched out and then somebody's like mm-hmm I don't know. I mean it if I had to choose between my anus or my mouth I'd do my mouth, but you don't have to choose that's the thing He's like you don't have to choose you can say I just blew my mind up Yeah, you can just pick I don't want anything stretched out or both I don't have to make the choice you choose for me you do both or you can go
Starting point is 01:10:03 Yeah, you can go stretch everything out stretch nothing out stretch one of these out. Yeah. Oh my god I had a big effect this morning. Hold on Never mind, please read what they are Tanner just put out the human anus can stretch up to seven inches before taking damage a Raccoon can squeeze into holes as tight as four inches, meaning you can take almost two full raccoons up your ass. Really, that's really important. That is really good information.
Starting point is 01:10:33 Two raccoons? Yeah. That's fucking amazing. So if you had to choose, you'd choose your mouth. Yeah, wouldn't you? Well, yeah, between the two, yeah. Yeah. But like I said, you don't have to sign up
Starting point is 01:10:46 for having your mouth stretched either. No. You know what I mean? No, you don't. Wow, sounds like you just did. Can I tell you my Pajitski effect? Can I tell you my Pajitski effect that I had this morning? Sure.
Starting point is 01:10:59 So for those of you who don't know, that's when you realize you've been doing something stupid your whole fucking life, and then you're like, oh, I don't have to be stupid and dumb and retarded. I can just do something. Do something different. Okay, the way our bathroom is set up,
Starting point is 01:11:12 the towels are on the other end of the bathroom and the shower is here, okay? Because there's the cupboard, but it's on the other end of the thing. Every fucking day, I forget to get myself a towel out of the cupboard and walk it over to the shower. I forget. So. So now I'm getting out of shower and I'm fucking cold and wet and then I got a tiptoe on the slippery ass tile. To get a towel. To get a fucking towel and you know what I realized today Tom Saguera. Tell me. I can put a towel rack
Starting point is 01:11:39 directly outside of the shower so that I just reach. Yeah, but there also is a rack. There's that hanging rack. Where? That's right outside the shower. Oh, but I put my shower caps on there. I put a towel on there. Hold on, here's, I agree, I agree.
Starting point is 01:11:54 Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. That's if you remember to put a towel on the rack. I'm saying if I get a shelf, sorry, that's the word I should have used, a shelf. Near. And you stack like five towels on the shelf right there. Yeah. Wow.
Starting point is 01:12:09 You're really firing on all fucking servers today. Buddy, buddy. I mean, now I'm living in luxury. What am I, who am I fucking? Yeah, good one. Alright. You're hunting Somali pirates, I'm towing off. What does it mean when you dream you're naked and tied to a cross,
Starting point is 01:12:24 and Bohemian Rhapsody is being played very loudly on the stereo while a nun tortures your nuts? Okay, I don't even want to- let's do the next one. Oh, I know, I hate him. What, Heather? That's Gregory. Hi, Greg. Hi, Greg.
Starting point is 01:12:38 Oh, what a good tiger. Hi, sweetheart. Hi, Greg. Oh, no, you- That's incredible. Glad my coffee cup is empty. Gee, where is it? Oh, it's in the fridge. Oh, it's in the fridge. Oh, it's in the fridge. Oh, what a good tiger. Hi sweetheart. Hi Greg. Oh no! Thanks very much.
Starting point is 01:12:47 Glad my coffee cup was empty. Where is Gregory? What are you doing Greg? He's a little peckish. Do you think we ought to feed him? I think so. His size is amazingly agile. I mean, you've got to... Want to go little pet cats? One of the house cats?
Starting point is 01:13:03 I don't think he cares at that time, dinner. I'm gonna leave while I'm saved. Just sit here and relax, would you? Gregory! That's easier said than done. Gregory, where are you? Oh, what a good boy. So, Tippi Hedren, the famous actress
Starting point is 01:13:18 that was in like Hitchcock movies, had a fucking pet tiger. Gregory. Gregory, and then there's- Who still has his nuts that are just hanging. Really? Full of fucking rage. That means that he wants to mate and fucking dominate,
Starting point is 01:13:32 spread his seed. It's cool. And just bite her head off. And he's fucking huge. He's enormous. She's like, he is the sweetest little guy. He would never. And that's the thing is these dummies never think that their beloved pet
Starting point is 01:13:48 tiger is going to attack them. Did she die by her tiger? I hope so. Let's look it up. I really hope so. Right. At the very least, I hope that the tiger ate her dead body. Paint your face with your period blood?
Starting point is 01:13:59 Yeah. This is a whole lane of the talk where women are reclaiming their menstrual cycles. Some of them are free bleeding into lakes and rivers. Some of them are rubbing the blood on their faces for blood donation. I just thought this was some American Indian shit. You know, like this is like a Cherokee rite of passage. Is that not what's happening? Hey!
Starting point is 01:14:22 Wow. Read it. Tippi Hedren is still alive, lives with lions and tigers at her California animal sanctuary. Jesus, how old is she? She looked old in that fucking thing. I know. Maybe she's, I don't know. I don't know how she's doing it. Jesus.
Starting point is 01:14:37 I don't know how she's doing it. How is she's running? She's 94. Good, wow. And she's not a toy. And that is the age to get eaten too. Like, when you are like that, and you're like, oh, I'm not a toy. I don't know how she's doing it. How is she's 94? Good wow and she's not and that is the age to get eaten too When you are like that and your skin is like paper and that thing just but it does
Starting point is 01:14:53 It goes to give her a hug and she tears open and it's like I'll just eat this yeah So frail that tippies a snack for that. That's Melanie Griffiths mom. I had no idea She's a legacy for that. That's Melanie Griffith's mom. I had no idea. I didn't know that. I guess she's a legacy family Excuse me what? God look can I tell you something there? There is a point where you do too much shit to your face that yeah, take it back That's happening left and right now shit. This is the era of too much shit to your face Stop doing too much shit to your face I mean, I in it. Stop doing too much shit to your face.
Starting point is 01:15:25 I mean, I'm obviously gonna get my nose fixed and stuff. You gotta do that. You gotta do that. I mean, stop doing this. You gotta look old, dude. It's okay. Just be old. Fuck, I'd rather look old and weird.
Starting point is 01:15:44 Eating ground beef. What the fuck? So this woman is just sitting on some steps out in the public eating out of ground, just eating a ground beef from the package. Yeah, from the packaging, like from the grocery store. She's enjoying it. To be fair, you know, she looks like.
Starting point is 01:16:03 What, Tom? You know. What? She's making a whole bunch of different decisions. At first I forgot, I curated this, I thought it was Sour Belts. And I was like, I fucking love Sour Belts. No, those aren't sour belts. Those are matey belts.
Starting point is 01:16:20 Holly, I'm begging you with all my heart and soul, hush. Please respond to me, please. Holly, I can prove to you everything I'm saying to you to give me a chance to talk to me house please I'm going to come on over two years looking for you please don't do this to me two years on to me please I'm begging you I'll do anything else just ends there like that does anybody know Holly it's somebody else this man? Can somebody fucking, it's two years he's been doing this. Please somebody tell Holly he still loves her.
Starting point is 01:16:51 Jeff still loves you. Come on, it's Chuck. I think it's Chuck. Oh, Chuck loves you. Chuck is really out there. He's in his tent out there. He's by the freeway wearing his Tap Out hoodie and he's just looking for ya. Oh my god, they still make those? Yeah, I think so
Starting point is 01:17:05 tap out still real I don't know I haven't it's been a while it's like fubo oh my god so this do you guys holy shit how is this the craziest talk I've seen so if you really love your dog I mean only if you really love your dog, I mean only if you really love your dog, when it dies, you can make a pelt out of its dead corpse so that you can lay it down on the floor in front of the fireplace. Just where I used to lay. That's where Chub Chub used to lay, right there. What is that?
Starting point is 01:17:49 And you're like, well, they took the bones and guts out of our dog and left his fur here. And we get to lay on it and miss him. It's great. That is fucking crazy. But here's the deal, man. Five grand for a big dog. For a fucking real pet pelt. Here's the thing. That is fucking crazy. But here's the deal, man. Five grand for a big dog. For a fucking real pet pelt. Here's the thing.
Starting point is 01:18:07 You and I love pets, obviously. We're obsessed with our animals. I'm kind of torn because, hold on, you know how much we love Pheif. Ugh. Do you think you can see where is Pheif though? Oh, where's his six tits? I don't know.
Starting point is 01:18:23 Oh, this is nice that this is here now. That's cool, I didn't know that that was there. And there's Tony John, that's cool. I know. Woo, right behind you, yeah, that's awesome. But don't you love them? It's like, yeah, you get to see them, but you get to see them in kind of a fucked up way.
Starting point is 01:18:41 Kind of fucked up? Not to see them at all. It looks like a fucking cement truck rolled over your dog. And that's what you see every day when you walk in your room. FIFO is behind the portrait. Oh, okay. Oh, okay, okay. I mean, like, do you wanna see a mushed sad version?
Starting point is 01:18:55 I don't like this at all. What about, I mean, what about taxidermy? You could just stuff your, I don't know. I think you just say goodbye. I think you say goodbye. Photos are cool. Yeah, pictures, videos and stuff. Oh my God.
Starting point is 01:19:11 Rock climbing. Tom loves this cave climbing. So right now I'm Oh man. I'm breathing out. It's crazy how I can feel the, I can literally feel the anxiety spike when we watch a clip like this.
Starting point is 01:19:29 Okay. It's so narrow. I don't like this. Why not? I don't like it. Why? You're so funny. This is a guy who's got a snake attached to his forehead biting it. snake attached to his forehead biting it. Tanner what's he saying in Filipino? He's saying ouch this kind of hurts. He's just chilling though. Can somebody fucking take it off of his forehead? Can I tell you what's interesting though? Because this guy obviously fucks around a lot with animals. He knows that if you go like this to rip it off, he's probably gonna tear his forehead off. So he's just kind of like letting it deposit its venom
Starting point is 01:20:13 and then he's gonna pull it off. Isn't that nice? He knows. He knows that if you go like that. It's like that lady that got bit by a gator that one time and she rolled on the death roll and preserved her arm. Yeah. Because everybody else would just kind of go,
Starting point is 01:20:28 oh, and then your just arm goes flying off. I know. But can I tell you that I don't think I would have the wherewithal to just allow the snake to finish. But that's how fucking simple, like familiar they are. You'd have to just skin graft my forehead. Yeah. And just rip the skin off.
Starting point is 01:20:40 I don't fucking. Tuk, tuk, tuk, tuk. Did you call us like, grek me? Bust me in the night. Grek, grek, grek, grek, grek, tuk. Grek, grek, grek, grek, tuk. He's, dude, move, you'll definitely come. I don't f**k with you. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you.
Starting point is 01:20:50 I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. I think so too He's probably one of these who's like I'm in his house. I don't want to upset him, you know, oh
Starting point is 01:21:10 Fuck there you go Jesus yeah, you dummy. How do you get bitten in the face? That means you're face to face with the snake stupid I think he can I tell you what happened in my mind? He says, oh, green snake. And then he leaned down with his friend and he was like, I'm gonna put my face in it. Put my face in it. That's what you think.
Starting point is 01:21:40 And then he latched on. Well, how the fuck does a snake get to your forehead? I don't know. That doesn't fall from a tree and just bite your forehead at that angle. He leans down. He's in the fucking jungle. So I don't know, I could have been anything then.
Starting point is 01:21:51 Stupid. All right. I'm literally naked, and they kill me right now. And I just need a cuddle buddy. That's all I'm asking for, a cuddle buddy. No, you're not. No, you're not. Right?
Starting point is 01:22:04 That's a fucking lie. No, I know. You say that you want a cuddle buddy, and, you're not. No, you're not. Right? That's a fucking lie. No, I know. You say that you want a cuddle buddy, and oh what, I go over there, I'm like, all right, I'll fucking cuddle with you. And then all of a sudden you're like, ooh, I'm sorry. Look what happened downstairs. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:22:15 And now you're trying to fuck me. Yeah. So I'm not falling for this again. I agree, Tom. No, you're lying. He's not falling me either. Gotta get the, the, the, the, the. So. He's not fooling me either. So... Poor whoever speaks, I guess, I think it's Tagalog, whoever is speaking, is like, they're very upset with us right now.
Starting point is 01:22:35 Why? What did we do? Because your pronunciation is not very good. Well, I mean, I'm trying. I love languages. I do. Yeah, this guy is totally bluffing. Yeah, he's not looking for a cuddle bait I'm naked naked right now and I just want to cuddle. That's all I'm asking for. No, it's not. Yeah, he's lying He's a foolery fooling us We've all fallen for this trick. I've fallen for it in college and stuff. You're like, oh you want to cuddle? I love cuddles. I fucking totally fell for this like freshman year. Mm-hmm
Starting point is 01:23:04 Somebody got you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, everybody falls for the cuddle. All I wanna do is just have somebody hold me. I know, I fell for it. Yeah. God.
Starting point is 01:23:16 Just wanna watch this movie with someone. Oh yeah, the movie. Uh oh. Just ignore my bone. Ew. Ew. I mean you're like, wait a minute, why is your finger in my asshole? Oh, just ignore my bone. Ew. You're like, wait a minute, why is your finger in my asshole?
Starting point is 01:23:28 Okay, bye bye now. My asshole. My asshole. Okay, well this was a great episode. I had so much fun. Oh my God, so did I. So much fun with Eugene's. I loved. Thank you guys for watching.
Starting point is 01:23:40 Thank you for listening. Make sure you visit the shops and the stores. Get some lipstick from Christina P. Get some merch from the YMH store. Get some tickets. I'm going on, I'm on tour. I have a whole bunch of cities that we have announced and that's gonna be it for us, but we're gonna leave you.
Starting point is 01:23:58 We started on the Greasy E by Max Newman. We'll leave you on another Chuck Woolery classic. This is Greasy by Ghost Crew. So yeah, we're saying goodbye. Bye, Jeans. I'm Chuck Woolery. I don't like taking pills But I have found something that works Australian Drain
Starting point is 01:24:39 But this is greasy You think they greasy but they not I'm Chuck Fuller-y Australian Drain I I'm Chuck Blomery. I don't like taking pills, but I have found something that works. Australian dream.

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