Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Classic Jeans 152 +BONUS MOMtreal-303-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 30, 2015

Oh Meowmy, we got sidetracked by life this week, but we still wear them high for you.  In this episode you get to wear your classic jeans and find the origins of Foreign Accent Syndrome. Have you heard your voice? It doesn't sound the way it used to. PLUS we include the LIVE from MOMTREAL YMH at the Just For Laughs Comedy Festival with a BANGIN audience. We talk about the great (angry) dog trainer, Peter Caine, French curse words, Top Dog's REAL murder story and Christina's dad and how good he must be at lovin the ladies.  There's a FILL HER UP, Would You Rather and MORE!    Nique ta mere!

Testing, testing, one, two, one, two. Hey guys, what's up? Sorry for the late upload. A bunch of stuff going on. I'm going to get into that, do some business, then explain some more, and then give you some show. As you can tell, there's only my voice right now. Christina is not in the room. We had a bit of, you know, something emergency sort of we had to attend to. So it's not, it's not, I'm not trying to be dramatic. It's not like a health scare. It's nothing baby related. Everything's cool on that end. It's just, you know, things happen and you got to take care of them and probably get into it more next week. But that being said, there is some stuff I want to definitely, like I said, bring to your attention for our shows.

And yeah, do some business and I'll explain more here in a second what we're doing. All right. First up, please, please go see her special jeans. Christina Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California, August 7th and 8th. August 7th and 8th at Flappers Comedy Club that is in Burbank. Look, grab your jeans, grab a friend and make it happen. Okay. Just, just go there and make it happen. Have fun with her. It's a beautiful club. It's a great time. Go see Christina Flappers August 7th and August 8th right here in Burbank, California. For me, your special Tommy jeans. This week I am in the great city of Portland, Oregon.

Helium Comedy Club Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Five shows. Tickets are really moving. I really appreciate all you guys that are coming. Please bring more people. Some people have asked about next week. Next week is a very big week for me. As some of you know, I am shooting a special next week and couldn't be more excited about it. The fourth San Francisco at Cobbs. It is sold out and punchline on the fifth is sold out. They keep releasing more tickets release at the Neptune for the taping, which is great. They've been slowly putting out more and more, but those are going really well. If you're in Seattle and you want to come to my special taping, it's at the Neptune.

You can go to tickets on my site, TomSigura.com. Click on the shows page. There's two tapings, seven and nine thirty. If you already had tickets originally to the nine, that's the now, the nine thirty. But, yeah, I mean, I think it's going to be pretty full. So I appreciate all you guys coming to that. The very next day, August 8th, I'm in Vancouver at the Biltmore Cabaret, just one show. They sent me a message saying there's very few tickets left for that. So thank you for that. Next week, I want to just really quickly say what I'm doing. I'm going to Columbus. I'm doing a bunch of shows at the Funny Bone. I hope you will come out and see me there. I'm going to stay in Ohio because there's a wedding I have to go to the next week.

So I'm doing one show at Wiley's in Dayton, Ohio. That's Wiley's Comedy Club in Dayton on the 19th. It's the only show I'll do in the kind of greater Cincinnati Dayton area for the rest of the year. If you want to come to that, it's a Wednesday night. It should be fun. And then Sunday, I will do a show in Lexington, Kentucky. Kentucky, Lexington, Kentucky at Comedy Off Broadway. And then I'm off for a little bit before I pick up with a bunch of shows in September and so on for the rest of the year. But those are really big for me. Again, thank you so much if you're coming out to any of those shows, any show.

It's really, really huge, man. And my special that doesn't get bigger than that for comics, that's what we work for all the time is to do our specials. So I'm really excited about that. Thanks for supporting me. All right. I got to take care of some business. Business. Now, I can't get into why we can't do a new one today, but there is a new one today. Here's what we're doing. Our listenership has grown a lot in the last year. People are always asking us access to older episodes.

And I don't know, I haven't found the best way if we have to make some adjustment on our end for iTunes or whatever. So what we do, some of you know, is every once in a while, we release classic jeans. These are those old vault episodes. And today we're doing one, but we're also giving you a bonus. We're giving you two episodes. Today we're going to go back to episode 152. And this is where foreign accent syndrome first came to our attention. It was a really fun episode. And the reason that I selected this one to re-release

is that this is also the episode that when Christina and I, as you know, shot a pilot that our paws are crossed that we're still waiting to hear back. When we shot it, this was the episode that the production company and the network, they were like, they were Gaga for this episode. So it's kind of like cool little trivia, if you will, of our show that they loved this episode. Like this one was, they were like, yeah, we want to do something with you guys. So I'm giving you that. Plus, at the end of that episode,

you will hear, if you want to, the live from Trialle episode. Now, the reason we're not releasing that separately is I think we've addressed this before. And that is just that like some people don't like the live episodes, which, you know, I'm totally down with. I totally get it. And I think moving forward, what we'll do is more like something like this, where we'll release an ep, we'll put out our show, and then maybe when we have a live one, we'll tack it on to the end of it. So if you're not into the live ones, hey, I can't, you know, what am I, I can't,

but if you want to hear the live episode, it's here. So you'll get the re-release of 152, and then you'll get the live from Mom Trialle episode, which I got to say, if you're not into live ones, check it out for a second. The audio is primo. They had like the TV sound engineers there for all their TV, like, because we shoot like, we shot stand-up for television there in Canada. And, you know, it was really fun, man. This was the, this is at the Just Relapse Festival, which is like the comedy festival.

And you guys, the people that came were amazing, so you're going to get both of those things. And thank you very much to everybody, like Julie Timmons gave us this amazing portfolio of art in a bag made of jeans, and people gave us onesies. Two people gave us Wu Tang onesies. It doesn't get much better than that, folks. So we had a great time in Montreal. Again, nothing dramatic, but we just couldn't, we just couldn't get to doing our regular episode this week. I hope this is sufficient. We love you, and we'll be back next week by Jeans.

Wow. That was a pretty good read. I'd say that's an exceptional read. You ready to get things going here? Yes. Let's start the show, Jeans. Let's do this, you know what I'm saying? I have not actually heard my voice in the conversation for nearly three years now. This shit is big time! Who is Ram?

Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom and the fuck is there? Welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura, Tom Sugura. Christina Pazitzin. Welcome to your mom's house. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, hello, hello everybody listening to the show.

Hello, Christina. Hello, Tom. You like fried rice, shrimp dumplings, pork dumplings. I have not had my own voice. I have not actually heard my voice in the conversation for nearly three years now. Four years now. Four years now. This is unbelievable audio. I'm so excited that we have it. And I am so sad that I can't credit the man that sent it to us because they did and I can't remember. I'm sorry. Whoever you are, you know who you are. Thank you so much.

So this is a ridiculous story. And before you just think we're mocking Asian people, which we know we're not against doing that. But we're not doing that exactly at this moment. We don't make a fun with Chinese. Yeah, you know. You ever been to dim sum? I'm going to push the cards around and they go shrimp dumplings. You mean shrimp dumplings?

But the reason that we played that is that we were sent, like I said, this amazing audio of a woman who apparently has something called foreign accent syndrome. There are over a hundred cases of this worldwide and they almost always accompany some type of head trauma, migraines or head injuries. And then people wake up with a foreign accent that they just can't shake. But like they don't have any. So they have no history with that language. It's just it's bizarre to me, right?

I don't know. I don't know. I know they call it a syndrome, which would imply that there's enough people on the planet that this has happened to. It's absurd. I don't know. Okay. So the woman that this has happened to. Here they are.

They are captain. Sum Ting Wong, We Too Low, Holy Fook and Bang Ding Al. Oh, you got that, right? Oh. So but this lady who this happened to is English. It's crazy. Let's get into the story. Here's the actual story from the lady.

Sarah has spent most of her life in Plymouth and had the accent to match until recently. So dish and chips. Chips. I said that white. I said that white. Three and a half years ago, she was rushed into hospital with a migraine, which left her with a voice she didn't recognize. I have not actually heard my voice in the conversation for nearly three years now.

Her initial response upon hearing how she used to sign from a bank telephone recording was too long for her old accent to return. Yeah. So here she is. She's going to hear herself here. Her former self. Her former self in an old recorded voicemail or recorded conversation that she had, which she has on CD-ROM that she can listen to.

So sad. I'm not actually reading about my policy though. I'm reading for a quote. Do you see what my policy number? I know it's me. But I feel like I want to say, oh, she, she make a good speaker. Good. Wait, wait, wait.

Yeah. Now, how do you lose your, your grammar ability? Exactly. So she doesn't just have a Chinese accent, but she speaks in broken, chopped up. You know what I mean? Like where you wouldn't have the history of speaking English. It's not just a Chinese accent.

It's, it's my first week in America and I'm learning English. She's speaking a good English. Yeah. See, I, I speak a good here. I don't know good there. She's not saying like, I hear her voice and I think I wish I had my old voice back. She's a, she speak a good English. Like that's, this is ridiculous.

This is, this is a money python sketch that we're watching right now. Because it's like, come on. Yeah. Yeah. But like that, not me no more. That part, that foreign part. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's been diagnosed. Yeah. Speak a good. Speak a good. Yeah. But like that, not me no more. There's one picture.

You can see all the facts. Sarah has been diagnosed with foreign accent syndrome. The condition has only 150 known cases worldwide. Although it's good for an accent syndrome. It's literally a speech impediment. There's nothing foreign about it. But then that's her. Yeah.

And then she goes, there's nothing foreign about it. About her. About it. Yeah. Like there's nothing foreign about it. How does that? I mean about how I talk funny. Come on.

It like, it dipped away. We talked about this. Right. And her grammar comes back and then leaves her. Right. When she becomes Chinese, she's turning Chinese. A speech impediment. There's nothing foreign about it.

You know, obviously I don't have a Chinese accent. I've never been to China like that. You'd have to spend a considerable amount of time in China to pick up the accent. So it's impossible. Deep mud, tough night, night bus. What the fuck? Mud. Oh, she was, she's with a doctor.

She's with a speech doctor, a therapist. And so she's trying to get her real accent back. Night bus. Although she doesn't know why this has happened. Months of speech therapy with specialist Martin Duckworth at Marjohn's in Plymouth have provided some insights. I actually feel quite comfortable with my speech now. We can't give you any definitive answers about exactly what's happened,

which is why we're following Sarah's journey. But some small changes happened within her brain. And they've had an impact on the way she organizes her speech output. I'm done. I'm finished. Despite finding no one. Then why did she say I'm finished? No, I finished.

Yeah. Me done. Me stopping now. Yeah, no more. No more time. No, no more sushi for you. No more time. You're eating too much.

You're eating too much. You're like a hot girl down there. You're so fat. No. How about spicy noodles? Yeah, I'm so fat. You're eating too much. So it's all clear.

Sarah has learned how to live with her new voice. It took a long time to actually accept that I was the problem for me. Yeah. It's a British way. Yeah. It took a long time to accept I was the problem. Now I'm talking funny now. She just had it and then she just let it go.

You know what it reminds me of? There used to be a radio DJ in Los Angeles called Richard Blyde. And he would drop like a fake English accent too. He'd be like, he colors a colon and go, y'all the winner. I mean, way not. Like he would drop it in and out. Maybe she's doing it for attention. I'm starting to think you get that sometimes with people from an area that leave it.

And they drop the accent. But then if they spend time. Yes. That's not this. But no, but I'm saying it's the comparison. I'm saying is, you know, she's such a. I was the problem for me. I was the one making me feel bad.

I was the problem for me. I was the one making me feel bad. I wasn't the problem for me. But that didn't sound that Chinese to me. You know, I mean, listen to this finding no answers or cure. Sarah has learned how to live. Here she is. Voice.

Took a long time to actually accept that I was the problem for me. I was the one making me feel bad. That sounded kind of British, right? It sounded half and half. Yeah. Fearing bad. But how about when in the beginning, why is this one so bad? I have not actually heard my voice in the conversation for nearly three years now.

I have not heard my voice in conversation for nearly four years now. I don't know how she goes back and forth. Maybe, but maybe that's how her brain is like rewiring itself. So she just had a headache one day and then she woke up Chinese. Yes. That's what they're claiming. Yes. Yes.

Foreign language syndrome. It's the dumbest name to they should call it like language dysplasia or something more. Foreign language syndrome just sounds like some bullshit. Of course. Fake. And they have the lady, they showed a lady meeting Sarah on an, it was, I didn't have audio of it, who has foreign action syndrome, who's French. No.

That's the accent she has. And she does not speak in French, but she talks. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. So, I feel your pain because... I don't know. French. French. French thing.

You have Chinese. I have a French accent. We both struggle with this problem. You like a creeps. They like attention. I think so too. I think sometimes you've, you've woken up with black voice syndrome. That's so rude.

I never think you have, you might have that. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? There's no, that's not true because in how come there's nobody with black voice syndrome? I mean, I mean, that's a bullshit right there. It's so funny. Let me, let me, I'll let you say goodbye. But it's a little kid.

Wouldn't it be great if like some five year old kid wakes up in the suburbs, some white kid? You know what I'm saying, mom? Give me some motherfuckers. Oh, me and this bitch. I think it'd be even funny if it was just a white, no white grown adult man, like with a corporate job. I woke up.

I'm wearing these motherfucking khakis and shit. I got a sale motherfucker. And he has the speech therapist. He's like, he has just a very black way of doing things. And then, you know, I'm saying, you know, and he said meetings. This bitch came out. I told my, I told my bitch. I said, yeah, I don't have an opportunity.

That's the box. What if he's like, okay, okay. Yeah. The TPS report him motherfucker right here. It shows, you know, I'm saying profits and shit. You know, you know, you know, you know what I'm saying? He's super black sending. He's a, he's a CEO.

He's like, hi everybody. And the whole court, the board is like, yeah, yeah. He has a whole different approach now to all of this. Right. Like what if Steve Jobs had woken up one day and he talks in a funny black voice. Now we're the best. Oh, you know, it's, it's like a, like a TV screen. You can swipe it with your hands.

Okay, Steve, we'll get on that. Anything else? You know, I never had a job in my life. You know what I'm saying? I never had a job before in my life. That would be a great movie premise. We should write this film. It's the white corporate guy who wakes up for an accent syndrome with black

accent. It would be so funny and nobody can question him or his authority. They're like, well, he just, he's a syndrome. And he's like, fuck you motherfucking. He's totally right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. Or cholo voice syndrome. It's a whole thing syndrome. What are they homes? Yeah, this is just too much fun. The possibilities. Those are those little ghosts. They caught, get caught, um, member by their mom.

But their accent's crazy. I just pulled it out because it has an accent on it. Yeah. They're acting. Well, I've got another, uh, for Friday's episode, a clip of two Scottish people talking on like a Jerry Springer show over there. Oh yeah. It's unintelligible.

It's completely unintelligible. Whoa. Scottish is very difficult. Oh, by the way, speaking of that stuff, um, you should see by, by the time you hear this episode, because it got approved, um, the third bonus episode should be up. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? So that's great.

Yeah. That'll have, um, that'll be on iTunes and CD baby. Okay. It has, it has a live from Houston on there. That's fine. What a fun show. And it also has you and I breaking down, uh, my confrontations from, uh, Phoenix. Man, not a crazy piece of audio that was.

It's nuts, right? That chick. Yeah. So I got, I got myself losing my shit on somebody for you guys. It's fun. Yeah. Really fun. Very special and rare to be able to capture that on tape.

You know, usually. Oh yeah. You don't usually get that. Usually those moments kind of come and go and nobody's recording it. So really neat that you have that piece of hate. Yeah. And it gets, I mean, it's, it's heated. So I think, I think you guys will really like it.

I mean, it's a heated exchange. Oh yeah. And I, uh, I get very, very angry. You know what I'm saying? And it's right there for you. You know what I'm saying? I never had a job in my life. I can listen to that dude say that shit a hundred thousand times.

I ain't never had a job before in my life until I started working for sale. You know what I'm saying? I did a little bit every time. You know what I'm saying? No. You know what I'm saying? He doesn't say anything. He even stops himself from, you know what I'm saying?

He goes, I don't, you know, before I work for you, you know, I, I, I, uh, Jay, he won the throw extra, you know what I'm saying in there? It's so good. I actually, I'm going to drop. I have to direct grab this call. Okay. Let's take a pause. Okay.

I'll be right back. You know what I'm saying? All right. So we're back. Um, sorry, I had to take a, uh, a pause, a, uh, a little break there to do a call for my other podcast because I'm a podcasting machine and we're going to go do a podcast together tonight and then another podcast tomorrow. And then next week I do our podcast plus two other podcasts, but I jumped off to talk

to my buddy, our buddy, finesse Mitchell, uh, who some people might not know, played football at university of Miami. So he did a call for charge it to the game, my football podcast. How much do I love finesse Mitchell so much? He's great. He, he's so funny. He actually helped me write that I have a bit about fighting with black girls. Yeah.

And I was kind of nervous to do it in us in South Africa for obvious reasons, right? Little tension, racial tension in that part of the world. And I remember I did it the bit for the first time there and I went backstage and finesse, I looked at his face and I was like, Oh my God, please, like, you don't know if you're going to offend people. 00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:28,980 Yeah. You don't know it because you don't know them yet.

I don't know him well enough. And he was like, that shit was so funny, but here's what you need to add. And he gave me like a couple of lines and he gave me, he's like, this is how black girls fight. And I was like, this shit's amazing. That's why I was thankful that he helped me write that bit. He, um, he told me funny shit goes down. Do you think people want to hear about how they all have AIDS when you're here?

Because you used to open your great opener, which was legendary in my mind. Well, he would, he would, oh, my opener, but I'm saying he would open the show. He's the first guy they saw. Yeah. But then you would come out there and we all thought it was just the funniest thing ever. And you open the very first sentence is who here doesn't have AIDS? Yeah. Yeah.

And the crowd actually would be like, I don't have AIDS. You're like, no, I just, I just remember when as he was talking to somebody else about somebody was doing a bit that wasn't working. He was like, um, yeah, you know, I mean, maybe you should, uh, think about a different angle on it. And, you know, cause these people are here to have a good time. And he, and he was saying like, I like people having a good time at my show. Like the whole concept of just having fun at the show.

And then he was like to me, he was like, like, do you think people have fun when they hear who here doesn't have AIDS? And it just made me laugh more to hear him say it. So funny. He was like a, he was like his dad, like a dad shaking his head at you. He was like, come on, man. Nobody wants to hear about AIDS. These people don't want to hear about AIDS, Tom.

They live here. So funny. They live here. Exactly. Um, yeah, but he is great. And, uh, yeah, he was, um, he played, he played football. He played football and he went to, he went to like the most competitive place to play college football in that era, which was Miami in the early 90s.

So he was, he was playing behind guys who play and they're being NFL players. Bananas. He could have transferred to like a smaller, less prestigious, at least in the football sense school and played more, but he decided to stay there cause he loved being there. And, uh, so we just talked about Miami had a huge game, a huge win over the weekend. We talked about that some other stuff. Check out the podcast.

Yeah, I saw that game. I was watching it. Yeah. Yeah. I love, uh, I mean, you're going to be a guest on a lot of the chargers live tweeting. Yeah. Yeah.

So, uh, was it the Puerto Ricans versus the white guys? That's the, that's the game. That's how it goes. Wow. Uh, charge of the game. Episode three is out. So make sure you check that out. Um, well, how do you say charge it to the game?

Charge out to the game. Talk to the game. Would that be your movie premise voice or our movie? Sorry that we're going to co-write now. We go, we go, we go, we go. We're going to try this again. What do we call this movie that like, it's like a white guy in khakis and then he wakes up and he has the foreign boy syndrome.

He's the most, uh, square, yeah, whitest guy, cracker, khakis. What he wears them high. Yeah. He tucks in t-shirts, brown braided belt, moccasins with white socks, totes, belt, holster, very clean haircut. And, uh, he goes, ah, these numbers don't make sense, you guys. And then when he wakes up, you like,

which accent would you like to have? Wait, hold on, but back to, I'll tell you, but then I like it because it's like a commentary also on how racist America is. Like, even though he's not a black guy, he just, that he talks like one is so upsetting to white America, right? Oh, absolutely. It was, I really wish Richard Pryor was still alive and then he could do it if he weren't sick.

If you were younger, Richard Pryor, wait a minute. He could play the part. Sorry, he could do the voice. Maybe that'd be fun. If we dubbed it over. Yeah, but you just need a white guy to, to play the part like a black guy, I could play the part. You could put, oh, yeah.

Why don't we write this for you? My starring vehicle. Can you imagine pitch meetings for this? Like we get, we're sitting with like the head of paramount. He's like, so what I've been hearing. I got to hear this pitch. What is it? So I'm a really white guy and I do white things and I run a

business and then I wake up one day and I'm like, hey, bitch, y'all, y'all can suck my dick. That'd be funny. And then everybody you sleep with catches it like me. I'm like a famous newscaster. Yes. I'm like a Barbara Walters, but then I wake up with foreign accent syndrome, right?

But maybe not a black voice. Oh, yeah. Maybe, um, what should my voice be? I don't want to do Chinese. That's, that's fucking lame. Maybe I'm German. Maybe you have this kind of accent. A succulent Chinese male.

That'll be the best. Just having a male. A succulent Chinese male. You know what that voice is? Righteous indignation. That's the name of that accent. We learned how crazy this guy is. He's crazy.

And you, sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis? He's Hungarian. I know. That's so crazy. He's Hungarian. He's a swinler and a surprise. As hungos are. You hungos totally are.

I know. I know. It runs in the family. A succulent Chinese male. I had my penis. My penis. Speaking of a succulent Asian male, we went back to the sushi bar last night.

Yeah. What is this that you said? Well, here's you eating. What is this? Well, this is interesting because I remember you, I mean, you told us last week how you went to eat alone. Did you tell the story on this podcast or not? I don't remember.

Um, I don't remember. I don't remember, but she, I don't think he told the story. So you went in alone and our waitress was there. The bitch tits. Yeah. And she was kind of crappy to you. Yeah. And yeah, she was kind of, she said, like, Oh, this is what she

said. She goes, Oh, you hear alone. And I was like, yeah, cause I'm standing alone. Oh, I go, what, what? She goes, you normally have your girlfriend. We two, we, uh, I said, it's weird. She said, weird. Yeah.

I go, it's weird. She goes, yeah. And I go, she's gone. And she was like, Oh, I think she, she understood she's dead. Oh, or I dumped you. Yeah. Or like, yeah, I'm alone forever now. But I think I, because what I meant was like, she's just out of

town. What a fucking piece of shit. You won't eat some fishies. Did she judge you for how much you ordered when you were alone too? Yes. Of course she did. Cause what she does, she does it now and tries to be a little more like, Oh, like when I fill out the thing, one of these, one albacore, one halibut, like

that, I give it to her and she'll go, Oh, like she'll glance that kind of razor eyebrows, like, you want all of these? Yeah. Yeah. Pig, pig. Yeah. And then what I do is I point out, I hand write other things that there's no box

for. So I'll be like, Oh, I want yellowtail sashimi. I'll write that out. And I go, Oh, and this, cause she'll be like, Oh, I see. You want these six pieces of sushi? Yeah. Yeah. But also this.

Oh, and then I, and then what I do is I used to look at her cause I thought she was nicer and I used to look at her like, yeah. And that's when she would give her opinion. So what I do is I just break it off. I go, yeah, that's it. And then I turn to like my phone. Good for you. Yeah.

Like I'm not waiting for your commentary or for her approval or for her disapproval. Well, it's funny because I actually got some audio. I got my hands on audio of you, uh, during that meal during that meal or our meal yesterday. No, not our meal. This is your meal alone. How did you get that?

It's just, it's people send me stuff and somebody recorded you eating alone. And I think this might be why. Okay. Well, Christina sent me a little crummy to you. All right. It might be a reason why this woman judges you. Just so people know Christina sent me this and she said, don't, she goes, I got this audio of you.

It's called you eating. I haven't listened to it. This is supposed to be me eating. Okay. Here we go. Just listen. Let's see what it is. I know how happy that makes you.

This time it's not funny. Hey, but how come your collar was hitting? It sounds like your collar was hitting the sushi plate. How did you get? I know how happy that makes you. I got you. Makes me so happy. He recorded Theo eating out of his bowl and that's supposed to be me eating like

a dog. That's exactly what you sound like. This is so you ready? I swear to God. This is what you sound like when you eat without the jingles. That is so rude. This is rude as shit. That's how you suck.

It's rude. And then when you poo you go. There you go. And that might be why I hope. I hope you're proud of yourself. That was just me eating. I have a knife. That's how the come dog eats to come.

Dogs do eat like that. But interesting. So last night we were at the snusci bar and enjoying a succulent Chinese meal. And the waiter was super nice. He was uncharacteristically polite. And I because he was polite. I still wanted. I felt like he was also honest.

He was and he was kind of he understood that that lady was loud. Her kid was loud. That's why I asked him. Do we order an incredibly disgusting amount of food? Just to get his opinion on it, a third party, maybe neutral. We didn't tell him no history. Yeah, we didn't give any history. Yeah.

What do you say? He goes, no, actually. And he added it up in his head. He went, no, not at all. He goes, actually, yesterday I had a woman alone here who ordered five rolls. Rolls, five, right. And five orders of sushi. So how many of that and four beers and four beers.

And I go, was she really large? And she's like, no, she's small, which means this price. She's on like a binge, like a crazy binge in the purge. But sure, that's banana. So there are people ordering way more. So I don't know why she was judgy with us initially. That doesn't make sense. Yeah, crazy.

She's just got her own. And then, you know what? The other lady, her mom, so it's a family run operation. You don't know if you heard this. So we moved tables because there was a woman allowing her child to watch her iPhone at full volume. Like this is a new trend, apparently. Parents are allowing their children to use the iPad, watch the iPhone at full volume.

So I have to hear this kid's fucking stupid show. I'm losing my mind. That shit is, by the way, if you're a parent, I know, I understand. I should say I know, because I'm not a parent. I understand that it can be incredibly taxing and draining. And you got to find things to keep your kid entertained. And it just wears. I get it.

Like the stress. I totally understand. Yeah, and we all try to empathize with people that are going, but like when you're in a restaurant and you closed small space and you tell your kid to play the video game or watch his show on a on an iPad or a phone at full volume. It's it's crazy. I've been on planes so rude where the person's like they're like to play your game and they're like to hear that shit.

It's so rude. And if you're going to let your kid watch or read or whatever on the on the iPhone, not read, but watch something or video games, make him wear the earbuds. That's so easy. That's all you have to do. Play at full volume with your headphones on. Yeah, make your kid deaf. I don't care.

But why do you got to fuck up my meal? My succulent Chinese meal. I suck it. A succulent Chinese meal. That's all I'm trying to have is my side with my husband. We haven't seen all week. We're both exhausted. We just got off planes.

We're just trying to have one decent fucking meal the whole week. And I got to hear this ding, ding, ding, ding, ding noises. The point of story is I, I said, I can't fucking take it. Yeah. So we move into the second room where there's nobody. And we had already, I had poured soy sauce into both of our tiny dishes. And so, but I didn't think to carry them. I'm like, oh, they'll probably bring it to staff.

Well, yeah, because we have our hands full with other things. So we come to the new table and then that older broad comes over. And first of all, she's dressed like a fucking creepy Barbie doll. Like she's, she's one of those Asian ladies that bleaches her hair blonde. The older lady. Yeah. And it was in ringlets, like creepy, cuppy dolly, like ringlets. And then she, she brings over our soy sauce.

These are yours. I go, yeah, they're ours. It's so much, it's a lot of soy sauce in here. I'm like, I don't go far. I, I pay for the soy sauce. I can pour it on my tits if I want to. Of course. On my big tits for days.

Right. On my hangers. Yeah. On my dirty hangers. What do you fucking care? Plus, by the way, we went through that soy sauce and put more soy sauce. That's what's up. We did as much soy sauce as I wanted.

Let's hear you eating again. Oh, babe, come on. This is you last night. Let's hear it. And that's not cool. You sound just like Theo. It's so weird. It's not me.

Do you know that even hearing that warms my heart for him? Isn't he the best? Because he's like a little cute little thing. He's like a stuffed animal that even hearing him do that. I'm like, oh, little people, but it's weird that your chain, your necklace hits against your ball. That's so fucking disgustingly rude. So rude.

That's truth that you can't handle truth. Yeah. All right. Whatever. Oh, so much of soy sauce. Oh, judge. Oh, the problem is they're a crummy ass family. They're mean.

And by the way, when we walked in, the chefs gave us a stank eye like you wouldn't fucking bully. Yeah, he looked just like you're here. You two look like fat Americans are here. I don't even know if it's that now, because clearly we're not ordering the most. I think maybe they just don't like us. I don't think they like round eye. They don't like us.

Guailo is not welcome. No, they're shitty. They're kind of mean. They usually do the thing where you go in the situation where they go. Arigato. Good night. They don't even do that. What I'd like to tell them is I have not actually heard my voice in the

conversation for nearly three years now. That's what I like to hear. I cannot believe it affects her grammar, too. That's just bananas. And then, yeah, she goes, I have not. My boss, I realized that it's all my fault. I put it on myself and I just need to work and I'll speak. Yeah, she turns into the Geico Geico.

She's a, oh, by the way, a big shout out. I mean, we didn't even talk about. Oh, we didn't talk about it. Well, you wouldn't talk about it. I'm assuming you're going to talk about your week. Yeah. I was going to talk about my week too. I wanted to say a big shout out to Strong Island.

Everybody that came to our shows, especially the mummies, and I realized that a lot of our, our jeans wearers are people that actually live in the city. And they made the trek all the way out there. Some of them drove hours. Big shout out to Tom Cornell. We went to high school together. He came to my shows. Um, and I had, I had a great time at this total fucking, uh, mob run club in Long Island.

I don't think you're supposed to say it. Huh? And, and, uh, they had a serial killer drive me home, uh, Greg. He goes to like all the shows and he was, oh, this guy was so weird. He, he totally, he had like the, he has like that sweet, like demeanor where you're like, oh, it's this big guy. And then you're like, or maybe he's, maybe he's the cutting up hookers and bearing them at the beach.

Yep. It's a lot of them. Like he would, uh, he was one of these social, like socially, he reminds me of one of our friends where he would, I'd go, uh, so how do you like living here? And he would go compared to what? And I go to anywhere that you could live. It's a stupid question to ask back here. Right.

Like, so how, how, how much more intuitive could the question be? How do you like living here compared to what it's antagonistic for him to go compared to what, right? And I go to anywhere. He goes, all right, I guess, and I was like, okay, then he brought up one of his friends. He was like, yeah, you know, I liked whatever going to school in Albany and I met a really good friend there.

We're good friends. And I was like, how often do you guys talk? And he goes, I don't know. And I go, well, how, but like, how often? Well, sometimes we might talk a lot, but then sometimes we might not talk at all for a while. And I was like, all right, this is a good friend. So what's, what is it usually it varies?

Maybe sometimes we'll talk, but sometimes we won't. I was like, all right, children often, but he was real sweet that way. Kids, he'd give me water to take with me. He's like, I use some water. He brought me coffee one night. He was a sweet guy. But like I said, you kind of go, what a nice guy. I wonder if he's going to slit my throat when I'm turned around.

You know, Oh yeah. So I bought him dinner and I was like, look, man, this is a good meal. Enjoy it. Don't kill me. Did it work? I mean, I'm still alive. I don't know. He might have killed somebody else.

You should see the fucking, you should see the guy that like owns this club. It is, he is John Gotti. I mean, he's straight out of the fucking movies. He's in there in a fucking, in a suit, like a $2,000 Brioni suit. His, his manicure, his nails are so buffed, you can see your reflection and his nails when he's like talking, got like pinky rings on. He's like, everybody take care of your thing. All right.

Like, yeah, my sons were good to you. Like, these are your sons. It's like, yeah, these are my sons. That sounds like dice. He's like, Oh, Tommy, fuck out of here. Now, but these guys were hickory, dickery, duck. They were great. And I love family run clubs.

I love family. It's the best. So yeah, you got one son behind the bar, another son running the floor. His daughter's doing, you know what I mean? Like, it's just, it's a way better atmosphere to work at a family run club. Comics at Foxwood's casino and bar is run by a family. Also, really? Yeah.

And by the way, the club I'm talking about, just to give it credit, is McGuire's and Long Island. They also have governors and the brokerage. Oh, good names for clubs. Yeah. They're not cheesy. All Long Island clubs. Um, and the comics out there, I mean, I just really like everybody out there.

Tim Gage, I had all my shows really fun. He wore, he wore those fucking shoes, the, the toe shoes, the fucking shoe that you put on and it's for running. What do they call the glove? Like the, the, you know, I'm talking about, I think they're called. I'm annoying. I think they're called. I'm an asshole.

Just wear shoes. I see him and I'm like, what the fuck are you wearing? And he's like, I thought the show was at seven 30s. So I went on a run and I just had these on. I got it, but I go, yeah, I can change. He was like, I didn't have time. I don't think that's really helping for running. What I'm amazed with is that Tim is such a pro.

He can do it. And I, at least people, I don't think were distracted by his ridiculous footwear. Yeah. He was able to get through it. Like if I had that on, I wouldn't even be able to perform because I'd be so consumed with the fact that I'm wearing them. Yeah, I know. You mean I wear the wrong flats and I'm like, oh, these two, are these two

girly for the show, like you came and talk, you're not in, you're not yourself when you're not dressed the same way you normally would. Unbelievable. Well, that's good. I had a crazy, I had a good week, not a crazy one, but a good week in Austin clubs, great cap city. Yeah, I got to meet so many mommies. I had, you know, in worlds collide and you meet the people that you know

on Twitter only from Twitter. Like there's a handful that I've met over the years that I'm so happy to meet them. OCD is fun. Is he done? Yes. So I finally got to meet OCD is fun. He came to two shows and short stories. Wow, that's right.

Yeah, two huge Twitter dudes came and OCD is fun, gave gifts and also the cheese people came who I cannot remember the adorable couple, right? And she works at the cheese shop, I think had them right down on Twitter. Yeah, super sweet, brought us cheese, amazing, which we had last night. So thank you guys so much. Yeah, I forgot to thank on our show. I think last week gone postal I met in Philly and she brought FIFO a dog toy. Yeah, thank you.

Yeah, yeah, I'm excited. Toronto. There's a lot of that is who and that is a lot, a lot of denim, a lot of denim there. Yeah, I can't wait. I'm excited to go to Toronto. We did a podcast with those guys. I did a podcast.

It's very exciting. I'm kind of nervous, honestly, to do my set because I don't smoke pot ever when I do stand up. Yeah, and I'm afraid of getting a contact high. You, you and Ari have both said that you absolutely will, but it becomes way easier the second show. Okay, the first show. I'll give you the advice that Ari gave me, bring a set list.

Yeah, that's what they told me that you guys said to. Yeah, I'm excited. But Austin was great. I had some great pulled pork sandwiches. I didn't go out a lot because it was so fucking hot. I mean, I can't even walk the dog when it's that hot because he can't do it. He's got a fur coat on. I couldn't do it, but it was good.

A lot of mommies, good shows, great tastes, two great tastes that go great together. You did. And you did another podcast when you were down there too. The Toronto one. That's what I was saying. No, you did a local. You did a one of those guys. I know who's guys is the name.

I can't remember right now because I'm so tired. I know. I've done it before too. That that they're Dale, it's Dale and Matt Bearden's the comic on there. And they have a morning show, but they also do a podcast. Right. And we talked about extreme restraints.com, which was sent to us by some listeners. And we looked at like ball gags and shit was pretty silly.

That's fun. That's fun. Um, so do you want to, should we talk about this audio that we got sent also? The, uh, this listener, um, his name is, uh, uh, Neil Bishop sent this audio of this woman who was going to shoot a porno. And, um, she's racist, I guess. Well, what a shocker. Yeah, uh, she's a crack whore, uh, second dick for money, uh, as they often do.

And the guy filming her is one of these guys that likes to talk to them before they shoot. Yeah. Right. I guess it's the genre of porn where it's not enough for the poor girl has to suck you, you have to humiliate her, get her to say stupid shit on camera. And then it's forever on the internet. And she has no idea when she finally does sober up in a few years, if she does,

she's like, oh my God, but, uh, this is her, her pre-suck it interview on a porn site and this poor girl's whacked out of her skull. Yeah. She's, she's, she's fucked up. Thanks, Neil, for this gem. You're a black guy. You're a black guy. Why?

Because they're ugly. In what, in what way? I don't know. They're just ugly. I don't like them. I don't, I can't get off when I have sex with them. See, you had sex with black guys. You just didn't, just didn't enjoy it.

Yeah. No, why? They just, the way they treated you. No, because they made me have sex with them because they thought like they didn't understand why they were colored and shit. They don't understand what? Why they were colored. He's like, what?

It's such a dumb. What do you mean? Wait, are you trying to say that the girl on crack who's sucking dick for crack money isn't all there? They didn't understand why they were colored. Okay. Crazy. Well, why are they colored?

I couldn't tell you. I don't know. Well, I mean, most black men know they're colored because they come from Africa. That's not why they're colored. Yeah. His logic doesn't kind of work either. Yeah. Most black men know they're black because they're from Africa.

That's not why you're colored. No, it's pigmentation in the skin. Right. It's the level of, what is it? Is it melanin? Melanin, pigment, is that the right word? Melatonin, malignancy, melanin, pigmentation. Melanin.

Yeah. Yeah. Melanin is skin tone, skin color melanin. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Thank you. 10th grade biology. Right, so the higher level you have, the darker your skin, and basically your

skin can then tolerate more sun. Yeah. You know, if you have less of it, your skin is not as strong in the sun. And this is all just evolution, basically. Yeah. You don't go, I know they're black because they're from Africa. Well, look, come on, these two rocket scientists. I know, I'm just saying.

Together. It's, it's funny. Not really. Then why are they black? I don't know. I couldn't tell you. Why are you white? I'm not white.

I'm Spanish. You ever been institutionalized? I couldn't tell you that. That's a yes. Right? When you, yeah, usually the answer is, you ever been to jail? Nope. Why don't you say I couldn't tell you?

I couldn't tell you. Why can't you tell me that? When are we going to get the video done? We'll do in the video. I know, but I have somewhere where I have to go. This is the video right now. This is the, this is the interview part of the video. I have somewhere where I have to go.

You're not even paying me. You're just sitting here talking more shit. I'm not even fucking paying attention to you. Do you speak English? Yes. Man, she's so. This is what you get into if you do, if you're in this world. This is what you have to deal with.

This is the interview. No, I'm not even paying attention to you or the fucking situation. Do you speak English yet or do you not? I've been speaking English the entire time. Fuck this shit. And don't talk to me in any fucking side of words either. Okay. What?

Don't talk to me in any side of words. What are silent words? Did you hear that? Yeah. I'm speaking with my eyes. Wait, how did you do that? You. No, I don't say that.

No. Well, how dare you say that? See, see how hurtful that was. Those silent words are. What are you talking about? Don't talk to you. How? I want to talk to you next to some questions, honey.

You're coming over. Give me a little head demonstration, baby. All right. All righty then. Give me a big punch now. Yeah. And then what's funny is that he goes, give me some head. She goes, give you some head and she smiles like, now I'm feel relaxed.

Yeah, I think, I think, like I said, I don't think she was accustomed to the humiliation part. Well, but that wasn't that humiliating, right? I mean, I've, I've seen very humiliating and it's, it's so uncomfortable. But why does he have to interview the crack or that's his, that's his genre, like you were saying, that's, that's the whole thing is they want an interview. But she was, she, I'm not saying she was smart, but I'm saying she picked up on it eventually that he was messing with her.

And then she's like, come on, let me just fuck your dick. Give me the five bucks. My son, this guy picked me up and let my nipples on fire and send you down my hair down there on fire. That's what that means. Start shaving it. Wait, where's the girl who's like, I didn't know how many was in there. And then I was so proud.

Oh, the proud girl. She's my favorite. All of this, if you have children, let them hear this part of the podcast. Cause all this is honestly, it wasn't until, and this is like, this goes for almost all the moments in the scene. It wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me, you have two in you or you have three in you that like it actually kind of clicked. And I'm like, oh my God, this is actually happening.

I'm proud of myself. Can I, you know something? I can tell you're proud of her too. I'm definitely proud of her. I can tell the difference between one in me and three pretty quickly. But you mean, cause somebody's telling you, you have three in you. You have one in you. That's what you're saying?

That's what she's saying too. You're saying you agree with her because you can also tell. I'm saying that I don't need somebody to tell me. I mean, why not? I know when there's more than one person. What was it like when you've had more than one? What was that like? Cause that's what you're saying.

I've had more than, uh, I've never, sorry, I've never had more than one. You just were about to tell us. You said, I've had more than. I've had more than one finger. And even that you're like, I can tell, I can tell when there's, you've had more than one or seven, you know, one or 20 feels different. So more than one finger feels like a lot. Honestly.

Are you ahead until, and she says, have you had this before? The shocker? Yeah. Of course. Do you know that everything Fred guys talk about girls totally do? I've had so many donkey punches, Cleveland steamers. Chili dogs, jelly doughnuts, shockers. I don't really have a dog story.

I'm not in yet. Not yet. I don't think I will be the right money. Maybe. Yeah. For the right money. It would have to be good money. Hey, you got any cash?

You got any cash? He is kind of cute though. I went into one of those places, man. I said, what the fuck is this shit? You can't, I mean, he can't talk to her, but yeah, so he, he then asked this girl to blow them. I have told her mood switches entirely and then she immediately goes to start blowing your comfort zone and she goes, because it's easier for her just to tune

out and do this blowjobs. Yeah. Cause that's $5 right there. What's your plans, man? What's your plans for your life, baby? Whatever. Whatever. What does that mean?

You don't have a plan. You're planless. Yeah. Hi. Wow. So she, um, uh, she was pretty unique. You know what her plan was? I mean, it was a pretty solid plan.

It was, uh, I suck a dick, I get my $5 and I get my crack rock. That was her whole plan. Um, do you think it's $5, babe? I think last time I checked in the nineties, one rock was five bucks. So I don't know how much, but she got paid more than $5 to do that. So you think? Yeah. I think so.

We like $20. No, I think more than that. Really? Just to suck it for a video, she's like, let's shoot the video. Like she knows what she's, she's shooting something. I think she might've gotten big money, like 50 bucks, 50, yeah, maybe a hundred. I don't know. And like a menthol cigarette too.

Yeah. She definitely is not a hundred percent. Really? I mean, 80%. Drugs are amazing. You really got to stay out the drugs, kids. Stay out the drugs, play those clips for your children. Have your kids sit around, listen to your mom's house and just listen to that part.

This is why you don't do drugs. Younger, they're better. It's not even, you know what it is? I don't even know so much as a damage because I was watching, uh, this great documentary about Lemmy from Motorhead. And do you know that song? The Ace of Spades. Do you know that punk song?

No. Okay. Anyway, this guy, Lemmy, he's like 70 years old. He still lives off Sunset Boulevard in a rent-controlled apartment that he pays like 700 bucks a month for. He was in Motorhead, which is like the granddaddy of like metal bands, basically. Yeah. The guy does a shitload of meth.

He drinks Jack and Coke. Like he drinks the entire bottle of Jack. Like you hang out with Lemmy and Lemmy hands you like a bottle of Jack for you, a bottle for you and a bottle for me. Um, and, uh, he's totally fine. It's not something like he's totally fine. He's seven years old. He had diabetes, I think, diabetes.

A lot of sugar in that jacket. A lot of sugar. But he's still touring. He still has a, like a decent quality of life. So it's not so much the drugs that fuck you. I think it's sometimes when you don't have the proper money to do those drugs long term. You know what I mean? Like when you got to suck a dick, when you got to do these videos for the drug money,

because there's like Keith Richards, that guy's been doing the smack and shit for years. For years. But he's got the amount of money to take care of himself. Take two, he's got the money to afford the drugs, to afford the comforts and to not have to deal with the pain of detoxing. Cause he's paid for complete body blood transfusions. Right, right. So it's not drugs in and of themselves.

Um, well, I mean, people do OD, obviously. Like maybe, um, I don't know. Yeah. Just don't fucking suck dicks and make videos for your drug money. Just don't let me, let me doesn't have to do that. Absolutely. There's your, there's your. You got to see that documentary, dude.

I will, I'll, I'll find some great clips and we can talk about it on the show because it's pretty good. Um, I think you have a little something to add about, uh, Teefies, right? I do. Yeah. That was a creepy way to intro it. Why was that creepy? Cause he did it kind of the way, um, Freddie Krueger used to do it.

I was trying to give you a signal. I saw it. You didn't have to say the signal over the air. Okay. I haven't done a date from Landon who writes in, Hey, mommies, I'm a 20 year old male and until Friday, I hadn't been to a dentist in seven years. Jesus Christ, man. What is wrong with you guys?

My teeth had never been, oh, sorry. My teeth have never bothered me and I brush and floss regularly. My girlfriend had finally decided to book us dental appointments. So I went and the dentist told me that they only have a handful of patients like me. She told me she wished her teeth looked like mine after six months, not a single cavity and minor tartar buildup. My girlfriend had one cavity and her checkup took twice as long as mine. This goes to show the utter importance of flossing them.

Feefs keeps them clean and tight mommies. So he's been flossing. So he has been flossing, which apparently I'm telling you that is that it's also, and it's also genetic. I talked to our dentist about it. He did. Yeah. Yeah.

People are genetically predisposed to having dental problems, decay, cavities, gum problems, so lucky you. That was all I got to say, but, but a huge pet on the back for frosting your freefs. A frog every night. I have a, I'm a tea, a frog on my teeth. I wonder what our stupid waitress does. You think she flosses?

Big meanie. I don't know. Japanese people sometimes can have real jank teeth. Like that. That's a country that's not interested in dental. A lot of smoking too. Smoking. And I just don't think they visit the dentist regularly there.

My guy cuts my hair. Yeah. He a Japanese guy. He'll smoke like right before he cuts my hair. When he's cutting and like pulling hair, I could smell it on his hands. Yeah. It stinks. Yeah.

He's smelling his breath. Yeah. It's the grossest. I had someone give me a massage with a Chinese parlor and she fucking, she just smoked a cigarette and she touched my face and everything. I was like, come on, man. Yeah. Wash your stinky old hands.

Just wash them. Get dirty puss. All right. Wash your dirty pussy hands. Looking forward to Friday's episode. It's going to be a lot of fun. What are you excited most about? That we have our, we've guessed.

Oh shit. Okay. Cool. Okay. Good. Fun. Oh my gosh. You're going to love it.

You know what I'm saying? It's going to be fun. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Oh, it's going to be great. Yeah. All right. All right, mommies.

Love you. We love you. Enjoy. Jeans up. Your jeans. I'll talk to you soon. Jeans up. Yeah.

This is the original mommy. Okay, hi guys. So that was long. Bienvenue à la maison des mains. Welcome to your mother's house. I want to ask everyone to raise their jeans as high as possible. So we want to ask you to raise your jeans as high as possible. And welcome Christina and Tom with a big round of applause.

Give it up for Amber, everybody. Amber, killed it. We give po po po po le jeans. I could hear that all the time. Le jeans. Well, in Europe and like South America, it's like blue jeans. Blue jeans? Blue jeans is true, but no, it's le jeans.

What's up, Montreal? That's all wrong. That's all wrong. Montreal, it's Montreal. You guys, I'm so excited. Oh, I like your shirt. One of the most exciting things about having Tom's child is that now. Sounds so good.

So much fun. Yeah. So, oh, guys, I have to show you this. It's so rad. So these are mom jeans. These are the official mom jeans. Are you ready? Those are mommy jeans ever.

Those are the highest jeans. Super high and tight. Today and today only, you are the main mommy. Finally, thank you. Let me make sure this is working. So wind it already. I gotta check my board. It's like a banquet hall.

It's like an AA room. Why don't you share first? Tell us your story. That's not good. That needs to be way louder. I know. Well, hold on. Hold on.

That that one's actually. What is amaze? Oh, I can't man. Let me make sure I'm going to fluid bond with Jesse. Yeah, it's not the best. Yeah, that is pretty. Fluid bonding. I fluid bonded all up inside of that.

OK. There's a baby. Fluid bonding. Yeah. How about French by the way? It's really good. It's really good. I speak no French, but when I hear I'm talking,

all I hear is. This woman. You hear Steven Seagal. Yeah. Yes. That is that. This is the beginning of every sentence in French. Well, I was taking a dump today in the restaurant.

Thank you so much, sir. I appreciate that. That was me. I enjoyed that very much. You do love teen jeans. Go. You definitely. So anyway, I got to go.

So I got to show. I got to show. So I went upstairs and I was unloading. And this woman was having a full conversation on her cell phone, just in front of the sink. Just like, uh, what the fuck does that? It's really crazy. It's a full conversation in the shitter.

I was talking to somebody else about it, because I see in airports, which I get it, you're on a business trip, so you have to conduct business. But dudes, and airports, dudes are savages in there. And it's international farts. It's like, it's crazy shit. It is. It's like somebody just landed from fucking Hong Kong,

and another guy came in from Dallas, and they're shitting next to it. It's horrific. And then guys are like, hey, Tim, hey, how are you doing? Yeah, I'm going to have that 2121. Yeah, there's just all these sounds going on. And I was talking, he was like, yeah, it's got to be the boss.

Like somebody said, like, my guess is that it's the CEO. He's like, yeah, there's farts here, and so what? I signed a check. You've got to be top of the food chain to. Or the very lowest? Yeah. Yeah, or you're like, I'm desperate. I know there's shits going on in this room.

Oh my god. Yeah, it's pretty good. What's your French? Do you speak any? Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, I'll lay, I'll lay, I'll lay, I'll lay. I learned that in Club Med when I learned it. Somebody told me yesterday that when I went,

is the equivalent to yeah. And that wee, wee, wee is yes. Oh, wee, wee, wee, it's like, tentative. And then if you're like, I appreciate your hospitality. It's like, mon je m'en à nous. Or something like that. Yeah. Lick my ass.

Lick my ass, yeah. Same thing. It's the same as the eggplant, but isn't it fresh? Yeah. How fat are we compared to the French here? Very fat. Very, very fat. I'm looking around, these are so small.

Everybody's petite. Everyone looks like they're fucking 14 years old. Yeah. What's the secret? Oh, there's frail little like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah. And some dress like, yeah, but some of the, you know, no offense, some of the ladies are just like, wow, tits out.

Like that lady at breakfast. Cool chicks. Yeah. I'm really opposed to it, you know. Yeah, we just saw her knockers. Naked back shirts and naked side. Basically like, you know, putting it out there. That is amaze.

It's very amaze. So gentleman. Yes. Nice, gentleman. I think about her a lot. Can't. You think about Kim-Anne when you're going to bed? I do.

I'm thinking about her a lot lately. Just like, just her essence. Like, it's so weird. What? Here's why, here's why, bro, because. Tell them what's up, doc. All it is, it's a porno clip. Like, she's, all it is is she's just a porno actress.

And we went to her site. And it's just her getting railed by two gentlemen. But like. Much younger, gentlemen. Much, yeah, much younger. It's just a porno clip. But the fact that she takes it to YouTube and does like a whole personality profile.

She does the PG version to the other thing. Because if you notice on the clip that we play. It's so weird. It's all like, like TV safe words, which is like, you're like, that's such a weird angle to go with. Right. For a porno. And then you go to her porno site.

She's like, no, no, no. I play ball, like that. Yeah. Yeah, because I was under the impression that the video would be of this woman, you know, coming into her own as a sexual being. And we would know it would be one, two, three, two. They did too long of a, they always

have the loud music band. These porno producers don't know how to do it. They don't know how to write lower than music. Yeah. Like those gang bangers. They play such a cool song. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, which is like, what is amaze?

Almost as cool as that song they played before the show today. What? Way more. And you can picture the mine on his tricycle, brother. Not a tricycle, unicycle, right? Yeah, unicycle. God, the French love that.

French love mine. You haven't seen what's going on here at night. When you go to your show tonight, it's popping off. Like there's going to be some of the guys with the giant heads walking around, right? And then there's that. What's that about? You're just, I'm not even going to go in there.

You just get ready. Get ready because you're not ready, OK? Yeah, it's neat. I just got here yesterday last night, so I haven't had a chance to really soak it all in. But I'm going to go hit a McDonald's like three times today. That's what Americans do, guys.

Do you know what happened the first night here, where the clip is online now? I'll retweet it if you can't find it. But basically, DeRosa, Kurt Bronner, Kyle Canane, Paul Morris, he went out. Matt Bronner. Not Kurt. Who's Kurt Bronner?

Not Bronner. Oh, I thought it was Matt's retarded brother. Jesus, you're the worst. So they go out and they all go down for poutine, right? And DeRosa's like, I don't want that shit. So he refuses it and it makes them wait. And then he goes to McDonald's. Are you serious?

And then Kyle gave Kurt $100. And they have it on video outside to when Joe walks out. They smack his McDonald's out of his bag. I wish I could do any video of it. Yes, yes, I'm saying. It's amazing. That's rad. It's great.

You know what we should do is just smack it out of the hand of any American that walks out of McDonald's. That might be a problem. You get quite a hand workout. Get that shit out of your mouth, son. You got to eat poutine. How would you say that last time? Oh, Kurt.

Brannahola. Corn holer, brand holer. It's like, don't make fun of Kurt. He's a good guy. I don't care about this guy. Fuck him, you know? He's not my baby daddy. No, Kurt's great.

Oh, I was going to tell you, I haven't told you. What the fuck is wrong with Air Canada flight attendants? They're the meanest bitches ever, yeah? This bitch, she was like, first of all, I was on the aisle seat, and she banged the cart into me. That was offense number one. So I gave her a steak guy. Number two, she was pouring water over me

to the next person who poured water on me. Yeah, I was like, you fucking cunt, don't shoot me. Don't cross me, lady. I'm full of hormones, I'll piss. Sounds like, OK. Makes me want to fight. Yeah. You should just be able to arm wrestle people.

Like, stupid bitch. Do you think you're good at arm wrestling? I'm really good at arm wrestling. You think that would solve most of your problems? Everything in society can be solved by that if we just arm wrestle for it. All right, anything? What do I realize what we are right now here?

What are we in here? Immigrant motherfuckers. We're immigrants. OK. I was born here. Oh, I forgot that, I was born here. Windsor, Ontario. I wasn't lucky enough to be born in Montreal,

but I was born in Windsor, which I hear is just as nice. They have their own festival, too, don't they? Yeah. The trailer park boys. Isn't that where it's filmed? The trailer park boys. Nova Scotia. What's filmed there?

The trailer park boys. Oh, OK, OK. Did you guys hear, I'm sure you did, that drunk guy in Windsor. He got ripped, and he decided to swim the Detroit River from Windsor to Detroit. The best part? That could be your baby daddy if you had to say that. That could have been.

He goes, the best part when they interviewed him, he's like, no, I wasn't drunk. I mean, I was drinking, but I wasn't drunk. That was like our, remember our movers? What are your sober decisions like? Our movers, like when we moved, the last time we moved, they came over, and I saw them drinking. And it was taking long.

I was like, hey, a little early, and he's like, this is how I work, man. He's like, I can drink about six, 10 of these, no problem. I was like, oh, OK, well, if you say so, sure. So crazy. He got fucking a house. There's very few jobs you can do drunk. Our job, definitely.

Most of us do. What else? Nothing where you can hurt yourself, drop things on yourself. My dad said when he worked at the Chrysler factory in Detroit, he's like, they were just drunk all day. Yeah, that's not one of the jobs you're supposed to be doing. No, that's the worst.

Like factory work is not usually. Yeah, it's the worst. Making a car that someone's going to drive. Yeah. I don't give a shit if he's doing that, no problem. I don't know about you, but I'm polyanibuy, so. Yeah, I am. I'm proud to announce that I'm both.

I'm proud to have come out as polyamorous, and now I'm excited to share that I'm bisexual. How much have you been thinking about that clue? I've been thinking about telling my dad that a lot. Oh, that's a good one. Did you guys hear that? I know we just dropped that. How fucking amazing was that?

It was so good, right? I knew that I was going to go to, like, and when I said, dad, I'm polyanibuy, he goes, what's that? And then he was right away, super supportive. He was a super loving dad. He was like, good for you, buddy. Yeah. Switch hitter, all right, yeah.

I'm really surprised he knew what those words meant, like what the terms meant. Well, yeah, I mean. Because my dad wouldn't, what? Not this bully. Like, he knows bi, but. He'd be like, that's bullshit, like, you're gay. Oh, yeah.

Are you kidding me? Hungarians? There's no such thing as bisexuals. No way. Should we do our opening? Of course, yeah, for sure, yeah. Let's get into this. Oh my god, I love it.

Thank you, Montreal. It's great to be here. Here is the opening clip. Live, kind of? Yeah, live. Live, just for laughs. Montreal, here we go. Inside with my dog, Harley, she's a bottle-fed dog.

And bottle-fed dogs, they just, they don't learn like a regular dog. So that's what I had to work with. And here comes this asshole running towards us with his pinball. And he's running towards us. And he's in a real excited, loud voice. He wants to know if that's a male or a female.

Fuck you, buddy. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't bother me to fucking stand. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. Let Tom Segura talk to you soon. And for seeing up the jigsaw shit. Welcome to your mom's house. Woo, woo.

Come on, branches clap. Would you like to clap together? Montreal, woo. Hey, specs and tacos. Whoa. Allez, allez. Whoa. Come here.

Wow. All right. Tom Segura, powerful. I haven't been able to figure out how to make it a bit on stage, but I'm so just amused by guys and bands when they're jamming and they look at a friend and they're like. And then the other guy's like. That's one of the most embarrassing things white people do.

Yeah. And they also, it's a thing where they, whoever's doing that on stage, like in a band, it's like a thing where they, they're acting like no one else can see them. You know what I mean? Like the whole idea is like, it's just you and me right now, Jen. I think it's the opposite. I think that they're letting everyone know how cool they are.

They are, but they're acting like it's just you and me. You know what I mean? It's a stadium show. You know, does that a lot like Bruce Springsteen? Of course. Yeah. Yeah. The worst band of all time.

Yeah, of course. Glad if you paid Bruce Springsteen. Right? Yeah. Terrible. I said, that was the first thing I said in Jersey. I said, fuck Bruce Springsteen. Wow.

Really? Okay. Then here's another sacred cow. I don't, I don't necessarily like Billy Joel. Mary said it. I'm out. I'm, I'm proud and I'm out. I'm out, guys.

Polly and I'm by and I don't like Billy Joel. Celine Dion, do you like her? No. Sorry. She's here, right? Oh, you guys hit her. Okay, thank you. Who's the most sacred, like, you know, person from Quebec?

Celine. That's the most sacred cow? Yeah. She's still with that guy? Her manager? Her dad? That guy? He's so groovy.

She still fucks her dad all the time? Your manager? Your manager. Monge. Monge. Monge. Who's the, who's the second most sacred? Gatlin Kirk.

Yeah. Is he from Montreal? He's rad though. Really? No shit. He's cool, right? He's pretty cool, yeah. I mean, he's a D-bag buddy.

That's like a lot of price line commercials. Who? Price line commercials. Price line, oh yeah, those are cool. What's up with those Matthew McConaughey ads? We've been watching those. Do you have those up here with the car ads? Yeah, no, we just saw one.

Yeah, I know. Oh, that's right, that was here, sorry. We saw one here. Time traveling, yeah. That is, it's getting, I'm just waiting for Tim and Eric to come out at the end of one of them. That's awesome, yeah. The latest one, I don't know, he was like looking, standing outside of it and he's like, there's a lot of stuff out there.

And he gets in his car and he's like, yeah, you know, you can just keep on driving. And he's like, Lincoln, what, what the fuck are you doing, Lincoln? I know, you gotta let the feathers ruffle. What? You dick. Yeah, you gotta let that salad dressing marinate him. It has nothing to do with anything. Nothing, it's so obscure, because he's so famous, they're like, just do you, Matthew.

Oh, there is no way a fucking ad agency came up with that. No. They were like, hey, here's our, he was like fucking knocked it out of their hands, like a bag of McDonald's. He was like, bam. That's so great. I'm just gonna, whatever I think of that moment when you say action, that'll be the commercial. Yes, that's how fuck you famous you have to be to do that though, or like there's just

a hand, there's a few people there, like George Clooney. Yeah, it kind of, it sort of reminds you a little bit of like, oh, the French Champagne and Lowe's been celebrating for a sex lunch. That's Orson Welles. Yeah. You know, that, I'm sure they weren't like, hey, please do that. Right, please fuck up our whole ad camp. But then after a while they're like, yeah, I mean, it's like Michael Jordan, you know,

like they set up, they set up, when you have Michael Jordan to shoot like a Haines commercial, you get him, you know, the commercial shoot, like a shoot, any shoot is a full day. Like if you go to like a whatever commercial, do you see on TV, dude, they're loading stuff in at 6am, they're setting up, you know, the crew's there all day, and then the actors come in a couple hours later and you're there all fucking day to shoot what ends up being a 30 second commercial. Michael Jordan shows up and they're like, are you ready? Because he's fucking leaving.

Okay. Yeah. And then he just shows up and I'm sure they're like, can we get another take? He's like, I'm good. And then he just walks out. So he's that famous. He is that famous. With his Hitler mustache.

That's how fucking famous he is. Oh yeah, that's right. That was him? Yeah. That was so weird. That's so not like him though. I thought he was a together kind of dude. I think he, I think it was just like, he was just like, who do you think's more famous

than me? I went up and fucking rocked out Hitler mustache in this commercial. And you know what? You're going to let me. That's how famous I am. Wow. Yeah. Because I'm sure someone was like, do you want us to like shave it?

And he was like, nope. Nope. Yeah. That's how, they're so afraid of telling you stuff. Like they're so afraid of telling Matthew McConaughey. Well, they're afraid of telling you just when you're hired, you know, like this weird thing, like when you're a talent on any gig, they're like, excuse me, I don't want to be here.

But you're like, they don't talk. They talk to you like you're really special. You know, so I can only imagine if you are Michael Jordan that like they don't go like, hey, man, we're going to clean that up on your face. They're probably like, do you want us? He's like, fuck you. Okay. I'm sorry.

Yeah. They do tippy-toe around. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. The fresh champagne has always been celebrated with sexiness. Great. It's a print.

Thanks a lot, Orson. Let's talk about your farts this morning. Okay. That guy's excited. I mean, there's a lot of them. Yeah. But then you were like, I see you and I raise you. Yeah.

That is one of the neat things about pregnancy. But I haven't solved the mystery yet. I don't know what caused that. Okay. Well, let's do a brown lock on it. I had a mini beef tartare burger on the street. That's rare. So obviously that's not it.

So let's talk about what else there was. Wait. When did you do that? You didn't tell me that. I was on the way to my show. Okay. So there you go. We're not going to explore the rest of the evidence.

Okay. We'll go ahead. That's the foundation. Then I got back to the room and I had that chicken sandwich ordered. Yeah. And then whatever. Oh, I had some salad too. That's kicking.

That always kicks the jams out. And then... Yeah. I don't remember what else there was. I don't know, but I'm looking at the clip. It says, come in my wife. It's cool. Okay.

You play that. Can we talk about those nerds again? It's just the idea of a hot, sexy man, jacklating my wife. Strangely, it turns me on. It turns me on too. What an asshole. I was punched like that in the fucking mouth.

It's like, who do you think you are? I am, you know? It's really exciting. I still... Good play, man. There you go. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. Who do you think you are? I am. It's amazing. I still can't get over the polyamide, just the whole thing of like, tall. That guy is like, what, a 35-year-old man?

Yeah, at least... And he's like, I need to make my seven-year-old parents aware of my gay poly... Stop telling old people crazy shit. They don't understand. They're fucking old, man. They can't... And then people get mad, like, and then, you know, they really had a hard time with it. Yeah, I'm sure they fucking did.

Of course. And I'm not saying don't be proud of your identity and, you know, you should live out... Right, just fucking bury it down inside of yourself. Just hydro-sexuality. But I mean, there's just an age where your folks don't comprehend. Like, I talked to my dad. I don't think he understands half of what I say. Anyway, it's like, just because he's old and he's not listening to me.

Yeah. And then let alone, like, throwing crazy shit, like, gay, poly, bi... Definitely not, I should. Yeah. Like, they don't give a fuck. Like, why are you gonna buy what? Hey, you know, hey grandpa, have you ever heard of water sports? That's where you piss all over somebody.

And it really turns me on. Right. They don't need to know what makes your dick hard. Not at all. That's the thing. So you can tell them whatever, who you are, but like, hey, there's this other thing that I know is gonna blow your mind. I fuck all kinds of people.

That's the life sign I'm into. And they're like, that's a nice guy, a guy, a guy pudding. Do you want to buy a... So crazy. Just let them live in a better world. He said that. So he was like, yeah, I told them and they were like, they didn't want to know the details. Like, yeah, of course.

Oh shit. Like, they just want to finish dinner. Like, do you want to hear your parents' sex life details? Do you want to know what makes your dad come really hard? I already know. No, I don't like it. I like old boys. What?

Oh yeah. That's so weird. I saw him. He came to my Boston show. Yeah. And we went out to dinner. And he scared me for a second when we were talking about Vietnam. Oh, I love it.

I love when he talks about Vietnam. Yes. And then these stories, I can't pull them out. Like, they just randomly happen. Like, we're talking about, I don't know, the fucking, the city. We're talking about Boston. And then he's like, yeah. So it was like 1969.

And he goes, you know, we got these, we had common prisoners. And we didn't know what we were going to do. So we called the Ford operating base. We told them they were supposed to send a chopper, picks up the prisoners, and then they processed them. And we got the call that the chopper couldn't come because there was another platoon under fire. So they had to go to them.

So we were going to be without this chopper for a day. And I go, oh wow. So what'd you do? I go, well, I called the commander and I asked him. And the commander said, do whatever you got to do. So I look at my dad and I'm like, uh-huh. Are you beating? Yeah, I am.

I'm like, this is the neat story. I'm like, holy shit. How's your steak? Yeah. And then I go, so did he tell you to kill them? And he goes, no. He was, you know, very careful to not say that because then he could be held liable for that.

So he just put it in my hands. And I'm like, and? I was like, well, I thought about it, you know. And I forget the instrument. He said it's like a long steel blade. But it's not. And it has a specific name. He's like, if you puncture this soft tissue here,

you can penetrate. And then they choke on their own blood. So they can't scream. And then their lungs fill up with blood. And they die. And he's like, pass me the salt. And I was like, what the fuck? My dad's just going to tell me how he murdered me tonight.

And I go, did you do that? And he goes, no. What'd you do? He's like, we tied him up. I'm like, dude, I'm just shit all over myself. It's so weird. He's so docile. I know.

He wears cat ears. But then I look at his eyes. And he's like, you know, whatever. Well, because he's such a straight arrow. He doesn't have any vices. He doesn't drink. He doesn't stray from your mom. He doesn't smoke cigarettes.

He doesn't do drugs. He just likes to kill people, babe. I think killing's his favorite. Yeah. So weird. He also told me if my sister's dog bit him, that he would kill the dog. He loves his dogs so much.

He's always sweet with animals. Like a real animal lover. But he's really upset about it. They have a German shepherd. And she's got two young kids. And he's like, that dog, I don't like the dog's demeanor. Like, it's too aggressive. And he goes, that dog bites me.

I'll kill the dog. And I was like, what? OK. And then I go, what? You're just going to shoot the dog? He's like, no. And then he just goes into like real specific detail about knife here and sever the fucking spine.

Or through the eye, you can go into the brainstem. And I was like, all right, dude. So crazy. Real crazy. Yeah. I don't know what's worse. Because I know about my dad's sex life. Like, he's always telling me, like, girls that he's into.

I'm like, I'm going to throw up. Like, could you not tell me, like, a day thing. There's a nice Colombian girl. She's 26. Nice, dude. It's nice ass. Like, I don't want to know. Why do I have to know, bro?

Yeah. I don't want to know that. It's so, I mean, like, I'm, you know, speak pretty like casually with my dad. And then he's like, like a full bush. Yeah. So gross. Why do parents not know that? Like, it's so gnarly when they tell you, like, sex jokes and stuff.

Have you ever had that happen when they're like, you know, they tell you, like, a dumb dick joke. And you're like, boundaries, bro. Boundaries. Bro. Did your dad tell you sex jokes? Yeah. Like, stupid Hungarian ones.

I've told him you were an animal before. I was like, that was funny. That I wasn't animal? Yeah. I was like, yeah, she's an animal. And he's like, I guess she must have got it from you. And so it was like a compliment. You know, he was like a slammer master.

Do you ever think about how good your dad probably is at fucking though? That's what I was just thinking about with you and your dad. Really? Yeah. No, but your dad is a lethario. Your dad's a playboy. Yeah. Your dad really knows all the little, like, little...

Okay, I'm gonna throw up. Why'd you have to do that? That's your dad's hand. Your dad's a man. He's got, like, chubby, forklift mechanic. That's your dad's hand. Oh, static! Your dad knows what's up.

I'm gonna throw up. But you're, because you're kind of an animal. That means that your dad's a real animal. You think I got it from my dad? Of course. Your mom's way Catholic. She doesn't do anything. Right.

I think they don't... I don't think so. Dude, they made three kids. They fucked three times. Yeah. No. All right. Do we have a clip?

I love that Peter Cain clip. Well, yeah, let's explore it. He's so crazy. Yeah, that's a new Peter Cain. I like when he... See, I don't like when he rehearses and, like, plans out a video. Yeah, me too. This is raw emotion from Peter Cain.

I decided with my dog, Harley, she's a bottle-fed dog. And bottle-fed dogs, they just... They don't learn like a regular dog. So that's what I had to work with. And here comes his asshole running towards us with his pit bull. And he's running towards us. And he's in a real excited, loud voice. He wants to know if that's a male or a female.

Fuck you, buddy. You know, that's the attitude that I had. And I turned around and walked in the other direction. You know, what an asshole. A dog is not going to get excited with some human running towards them with a dog. Fuck you. You know, this element exists in my neighborhood. I live in the ghetto and there's a lot of people...

What? He lives in the ghetto? Yeah, he lives in, like, Brooklyn somewhere. Yeah, I mean, it's a big... That's a really big place to live, but... Yeah. He lives in the ghetto? No, he just lives in some industrial apartment.

Well, he does have to live somewhere kind of shady because he has a fucking zoo in his apartment. Oh, my God. There's birds flying around and shit, like... He's like a warehouse. He has, like, a lot of space, yeah, for his fucking point. I think that that kind of shit's appropriate. And then they stand around with their dogs, like, getting their dogs excited. You know, like, baiting each other's dogs.

Like, I want to get involved in that fuck you, asshole. I really... I really want him to kind of fall apart, you know, like, really fall apart. I think he's almost there. Well, I want it to be a little bit more where maybe, like, there's... Like, he starts living in squalor and, like, there's a... Yeah. Like, he's...

Like, there's food left out. You see him doing it maybe from, like, a new video from, like, a trash bin. And just... I like the raw anger from him. I do, too. That's the Peter Cain I love. You know, you people make me sick, you know. You know.

You know. You know. It's like Bill Burr, you know. That East Coast rage. Fucking guy. He gives you... I'll tell you what, though. Peter Cain.

You know, this fucking pimple, you asshole. Bill, fuck this up. Do you know how Bill Burr has a pimple? Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe he's talking about Bill. This fucking guy.

Fucking ginger, asshole. Fucking red-haired twinkle-toe motherfucker. All right. Don't even come up to... You know, the people in the neighborhood that, like, come up to me and I know that they're involved in that kind of shit. Involved in what kind of shit? Fighting.

The dog. Fighting shit. I just... I won't even talk to him. I can't stand him. You make me sick. What's that about, though? It's pathetic, you know.

An innocent dog. You bring it into that and you're... What? You know, just encouraging excitement in the most nasty way. You know. You know. Fuck you. Fuck you.

That's the end of his video. Fuck you. He's so crazy. Well, he can't manage to find a quiet space in Brooklyn to make a single video. It's in his... That's in his apartment. Clank, clank, clank. Chains clanking in the background.

Like, who are you? So anyway, he actually gives pretty good dog advice. He helped us out with Bitsy, you know. He did? Yeah, that was the two... The biting thing, right? Yeah. How do we do it?

Every now and then he's just gotta, like, you know, squeeze her little mouth. Yeah, but tell people. Well, no, like, this is stupid. They're fucking people right here. We are. We have the little asshole, Bitsy, and... She's such a little kid. She's the worst.

She's really cute, but she's a tiny little puppy. So she bites. Every time you go to pet her, she doesn't understand that a hand is for love. So you be Bitsy. And then if you try to pet the back of her head, she goes... It's cute, but you're like, Motherfucker, I'm trying to pet you. Yeah. She doesn't understand affection yet.

So Peter just said, when she goes to bite you, you just put her lips over her teeth and kind of go boop, like that. So she knows not to. And it was like that. One day, the next day, she was just like... Yeah, now she's... Queen licks a lot. Yeah.

Now we gotta get her to stop shitting in the house. That's the next one. That's a fun one. Fuck. Shit, she's five pounds now. It smells like... Oh my God. It smells like fucking...

I don't know, like a Dodger Stadium bathroom, like seventh inning stretch. Like her shits... That's unreal. Make my eyes bleep. Yeah. So strong. She's so tiny. So tiny.

They're just little Tootsie rolls. They stink so bad. Yeah. So let's get into this here. Yeah. Ready? Let's do it. I'm excited.

We gotta say bad words in French. Putain. Fuck. What? Putain. Kill. No. Boop.

Oh, poo. Putain. Putain. Fuck. Putain. Fuck. Putain. Now you try.

Now you try. Putain. Merde. Shit. Everyone knows that one. You guys know that one. Merde. Shit.

Merde. Merde. Merde. Motherfucker. Merde. Shit. Merde. Merde.

Shit. Merde. Now you try. Come on. All at once. One. Merde. Oh, it's good.

One, two, three. Merde. Good job, guys. Good job. I'm so proud of you. If you want to say goddammit, you can say bordel goddammit. Goddammit. What?

Bordel. Bordel. Goddammit. Bordel. Goddammit. Goddammit. Now you try. One, two, three.

Bordel. Goddammit. You did really good at the English part. I'm just repeating what I heard, babe. Yeah, that was really good. That's how you go. Bordel. Goddammit.

Bordel. Goddammit. Your English is phenomenal. Thank you. Bordel. Goddammit. Bordel. Goddammit.

Or you could say bordel de merde, which is even stronger. Bordel de merde. Goddammit. Bordel de merde. It's supposed to be like shit goddammit, right? Yeah. It's like goddammit. Shit.

Ah. That's like when an old guy who's really angry doesn't, he's like, he's like, goddammit to shit. Kevin, I told you to fucking pay your car insurance. Bordel de merde. Bordel de merde. It's a dad swear. Yeah.

Shit goddammit. Fucking shit. Goddammit. Bordel de merde. Goddammit. Now you try. Bordel de merde. Fils de putte.

Insan. Fils de putte. Insan. Fils de putte. Insan. Fils de putte. Insan. Fils de putte.

Insan. Insan. Fils de putte. Fils de putte. Insan. Yeah. We're just talking french now. I'm pussy talking to women now.

Think of all the fucking stuff you'll be able to say tonight. Fils de putte. Open your set like that. She's taping a TV set tonight. Fils de putte. Yeah, grab the mic. Hang on. Fils de putte.

And then be like, I just, I love you. I love you. I'm French. Fils de putte. Okay. Now you try. Fils de putte. And that's how to say bad words in French.

Well, that was fun. I feel like those are real miles. Like that's like kiddie stuff, right? Don't you guys have like fuck your mother and her? What's that? That didn't mean asshole. Oh, what does it mean? What are you?

The fucking president? That's my whole son of a war. Son of a war? Fils de putte. What's the strongest? What's the strongest insult you have? That was all you got. Okay.

Oh, you're not like, right? I heard that one. Right. What's that? That's real bad. Well, you know what? Keep that shit to yourself, guys. That's, but that, that is the worst.

If you can incorporate religion, God and your mother, then that's like the perfect curse, right? Do you have, is your mother a big one here too? Like your mother's a whore and God fucks her and her ass. Oh, that's Hungarian. You know that, right? Yeah. I grew up hearing that one.

That was like in the car. Just yeah. That's so intense. Yeah. But like you say that when you're four. It's like not even a big. Is that Lewis? Boss some egg.

Oh, Lewis. I have you from when we went to Hong Kong right here. I have a knot. I should have heard the noise in the conversation for nearly three years now. Hi, Lewis. Hi, Lewis. A succulent Chinese male. He's the best.

I know you love Lewis. You're talking about him. You went to Asia with him. Yeah. Yeah. Just cover that. Yeah. It's a good time.

It's a good time. So we learned that and all those fun swears. Do you want to get into this fluid bonding? Yeah. Oh yeah. We got to go. Do you have the email? No, I got it.

I got it, mommy. So it's all here. I also have because I have this here. This email we got from someone. Read it. Oh yeah. Okay. So somebody wrote, oh, and then there's the DJ stuff.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit, man. We got so much more business. Okay. We'll get into the email and we'll do your DJ stuff. All right. Somebody email those. Get a good one.

Guys, I'm so going to DJ. Just say it. Don't encourage it. Stop laughing. Stop laughing. No. We got a dream crush. We got a dream crush.

Let's just roll off. You can't do that. Somebody wrote, hello, mommies. I'm just wondering if Tommy Jean's has dad breath already. Or will it only begin to have dad, well, begin to have dad breath once baby Jean's is born. This is very similar to Roe versus Wade debate in that does dad breath begin at conception? I thought I'd give you guys a chance to weigh in on this before it reaches the Supreme Court of the United States. Love the show. Keep it in mind.

Tom Zaleski in Alberta. Wow. It's official. My breath is deteriorating. Is it really? Once you hit the third month. I've been buying like mouthwash and stuff. Really?

That's terrible. It's just sewer in there. It's just going to get worse. I would say beard, beard smells. But that has nothing to do with the baby coming. That's just life. Life dictates that my beard smells like farts all day. It's always the cheese.

Whenever you eat like a pizza for some reason, it really collects there. Yeah. It needs like a power like a fucking spray. It's disgusting. The strip paint. Well, I don't think your breath is bad yet, but we'll see what happens in December. Yeah, you're right. It could really fall apart. No, no, let's do your DJ.

Can I read you the list of DJ names people have submitted for you? Sure. I'm so excited. So I've been collecting on Twitter. You guys, just let me know if there's one that really moves you. Just to make it clear, if you don't know, I'm going to invest in some turntables. I'll make sure and I'm going to start doing my gigs. We're like, I do stand up.

And then at the end, I got to go like... And then the whole club turns into like a club club, you know? And then people are like, yeah, man, this is the shit. And I'll scratch Joe's... I know you're excited. So... It's really cool to run through. Here's some ideas for...

You have to have your stage name. There's so many cool 36-year-olds. I actually haven't seen this, so you can... Okay, well, there's DJ Dick Tair. I like that. It's pretty cool. You know, okay, obviously DJ Tommy Buns, you know, Der... Yeah.

DJ Mommy Jeans. That's actually... Oh, there is a guy that's DJ Mommy Jeans, right? Yeah, the guy that was on that 70s show is now DJ Mom Jeans. That's cool. Which guy is that? Well, not Ashton, the other guy. And not the fucking brown one.

What's the guy's... Huh? Oh, is he really... No, no. That guy's kind of nerdy. The curly-haired one. I don't know his name. Let's just leave it at that.

Screech. Biting our style completely. But yeah, okay, so he's DJ Mom Jeans. What else we got? DJ Big Bear Grills. DJ Funky Draws. DJ Bunz-O-Matic. DJ Kiss-It.

And then... Yeah, because I can always be like, Kiss-It, Kiss-It, Kiss-It. DJ Kiss My Pussy. Let's try it right now. Yeah, DJ Kiss My Pussy. I think it's the best one. No, that's too... Jesus.

It's just DJ Kiss-It. Yeah, it's like right up the... You beatbox. Okay. Kiss-It! Kiss-It! Kiss-It! Kiss-It!

Kiss-My-Buzz-It. All right. DJ Scratchin' Balls. I like DJ Dirt Whistle. That's good for you. And M.C. Shit Shower. Yeah, you're definitely that. Yeah, yeah.

DJ Spin Brown. That's good. Is that yours? Hey, now. There you go. DJ... Fartmaster... Fartmaster Flex.

I like that. You know what that's a play on? No. Of course you don't. Is that the Pixies? Okay. I have some for you, too. What's that?

Like, DJ We Can't Afford College for our son. DJ Where's Daddy? That one I don't mind. That's cool. I like that. That's pretty cool. Yo, give it up tonight for DJ Where's Daddy? DJ Where's Daddy?

Actually, that's a good name. Not for you. Oh, DJ Dad Mouth. That's perfect. That back in my laptop was an open mouth and just like sewage pouring out of it. DJ Dad Mouth. I think Dirt Whistle got a really huge response.

That was really big. And kiss it, obviously. Kiss it. So those are my two votes. Kiss it! Do the other one. Kiss my puss the whole time. Alright, alright, alright.

Kiss my pussy! Kiss it! Good times. We've got to get out of here. Yeah, we do. So this is a very quick show. We're going to have another party. Why don't we stop on...

What would you guys... We can't do both, though, right? Oh, okay. Well, whatever you want. We only have time for one. Would you rather hear a filler up seal or shut or a would you rather? Fill our...

Let's do this one. Would you rather? Yeah? Clap for would you rather? Okay. Besides... Come on down inside. Alright, band, though.

Here we go. Right, right, right, right. He really got to stop playing this. I know, we need a new one. We've been saying it for a while. If anyone of you in here can make a song. Which would rather... Which would rather...

Which would rather... Cosby. That'd be great. Okay, okay, ready? What am I, bitch-nigger? Big words. Okay, would you rather... This is your full-time job.

This is what you do 40 hours a week. I don't know. You get vacation two weeks off a year. Your full-time job is to fly from LA to Detroit. And that's it. Just every day. And then Detroit to LA, LA to Detroit. That's all you do.

You get to hang out at Detroit Airport. Because it's horrible. It's horrible. That's the whole point. And then there's like Japanese... That Japanese restaurant I like in that airport. But that's really it. It's just back and forth.

So you basically... You fly around and trip every day. Cos when you leave in the morning, you get there like late at night. You gotta wake up at 4 to make that 6 a.m. Oh my gosh. That's the worst. You fly all day and then just turn around.

Back to LA. Okay, or... Your job, full-time, same thing, two weeks off. You just... You pick up dog shit all day. Like... You just clean up. Cos we clean up dog shit on his travels.

It's just in your house. Like there's shit everywhere. Shit just appears in your house? Dog shit, specifically. Dog shit. And you gotta pick it up and clean... It's everywhere. It gets mashed into things.

And you have to clean it up. Dog shit everywhere in your house. And you gotta clean it up. All day. It's full-time. So he's choice. It's a good one. It's dog shit.

What? Why? Walk me through it. Because... Alright. Because here's why. You would... I think after a week of the flight thing,

I'd kill myself at the airport. Cos you're talking about doing it every day. Yeah. Every day. Well, your weekend's off, man. Oh, great. So... You're flying to that...

No. I mean, here's the only upside. That airports are, right? But you're not even enjoying whatever amenities that airport has. Because you have to catch your flight back. You have an hour. So you're just on a plane all the time.

Yeah. It's horrible. It's the worst. It's the worst existence. We do it already, as is. It's the worst part of doing stand-up. It's traveling. Picking up dog shit, it sucks.

But you'd have your music playing. You'd have, like, DJ Dora Wizzle in the background. He's just scratching away the day. And then... DJ dog shit. You could actually live your life. You could take phone calls and make plans. You'd be like,

Yeah, I gotta pick up dog shit. But when I'm done... Come over. Pick up dog shit. Yeah. When I'm done, we can go out. And then, of course, you come home and the house is full of dog shit again.

But... Yeah, I think... What would you choose? I mean, now that I hear your reasoning, I think I would have to pick up dog shit all day. But you were thinking about flying to Detroit every day? Yeah.

Just because I hate picking up dog shit. I'm so over right now. Yeah, no. You would... It's definitely the better of the two. I think... Dora, what do you think? Who would fly to Detroit every day?

Round trip. Five years. He's an Ambercliff. Wow. And then, wait. Who would pick up dog shit? Kind of you. What's your reasoning?

Why are you doing this? Why are you gonna do the flight? Well, I mean, it's not just all your carpet and your furniture. I've just seen it said like that. Over weeks and months, your house just becomes unlivable. I mean...

It doesn't become unlivable. You just have a new standard of living. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. They're like, they're like on hoarders, you just get used to it. Yeah. Those people, those people will answer the door like,

what's going on? They're like, yeah. They're like, yeah. They're always like, yeah, I haven't picked up in a while. It's kind of bad in here. It's so unsanitary,

the dog shit though. I know, it's the worst. Well, on that note, guys. Did I not outweigh? No, that's all I have. That's all I have. Oh, is that all you have? We can only do it

cause we have to go. They have to give the room to the next podcast. Who's the next podcast? Who cares? Eddie Pepitone? What is it? Eddie Pepitone. That's great.

Pepitone? Oh, I thought we had, I'm sorry. Don't we have time still? How much time do we have then? We start. We're not, we don't get to suck

some of the champ's time from out of them. Pardon me? Mosha and fucking Neal? No. They already went. I know.

They fucking went long. I'm sorry. Come on. Five more. Five more. Why? Five more. Five more.

Five more. So, now let's do our filler up-sealer show. This is so gross. How does he sound? Is it gross? This is my, this is my,

I love it. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit.

Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit.

Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit.

Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit.

Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit. Legit.

Legit. Legit. Legit. Why don't we do that? Why is it Elijah? Do you know how upset she's going to be when she hears this? I wanted it to be Elijah.

Okay, so those are two ladies, Celine or Elijah? Alicia. God damn it. And then the two guys? Well, for the boys, it's Norm McDonald's or William Shatner. Ooh. That one, I think, is a tighter race. Okay.

Why? The first one's like no contest? Well, it depends what kind of shit you're into. But if you're into just busting multiple nuts, I think you go with Cuthbert. If you want to just keep taking Viagra and being just a world of sadness. But here's the thing, you can really punish Celine Dion on behalf of humanity. Everybody hates her. And you can be like, you fucking bitch.

If you're into the BDSM, if you're Pauli and you're by and you want to step it up. And she's been fucking her dad for years. Oh my God. You could really, but I mean, I guess that would be fun and have her hit the high notes. Imagine that orgasm. It's probably pretty intense. She's so scared. You would break her though, because she's so skinny.

No, she's way smaller. Alicia? Yeah, way smaller. She is? Way smaller. Yeah. All right. Well.

I did an episode of, what was that show? Happy Endings. Yeah. With her. And she wasn't very nice though. It's a man. Which made me wanna. So that's what I'm saying.

So you can hate both of them. Right. But you know, I think you stay up longer with Alicia. And I would like to just drown her in a pool of my love. But Celine would hate it so much. That's why it would be funnier. She'd be more upset and I think it would be fun. That's why I'd like that for you.

No. No more. Yeah. I think that'd be more fun. I would take Celine just to horrify her. Just to be like. With Celine I'd call the fellas over. Watch this bullshit.

Watch this bullshit. Yeah. It's the most amazing thing ever. I don't have it. Watch this bullshit right here. So yeah. I would go. That's all.

You know what? You swiped it on me. I'm going to Celine D. What the fuck man? Yeah. Cause here's why. Hey Celine. Have you ever had someone pee on you before?

Like horrible horrible stuff. Yeah. Have you ever had a dump on your chest? That kind of stuff. And then you take a dump on Celine D on your chest? Yep. Wow. All right.

I think you just stole a show. You got it. Let's ask the audience. No. Oh yeah. Sorry. Celine. Clap for Celine Dion.

Celine Dion. I know what's up with the fellas up here. Yeah. I know. Who would take, at least share a cooth bird. Who would take it? Wow. What about you young man?

Who are you going with? I know you're 15. What's up? Do you have a choice? Celine. You take Celine. Wow. That's a cool kid.

You're going for a, yeah. The real milf. I like it. And then. Norm and William Shatner. I love Norm. Yeah. But he's a comic and you know, he's like a buddy.

Right? Yeah. I'd have to go for Bill Shatner just cause Norm is like a bro. I'd go for that classic dick too. I would go for, I feel like Shatner would really, you know. Classic dick. He'd be very, I'd be kind of full of himself and like if he wasn't performing, he'd be like just fucking, you have no idea what I've done.

And that's what I would go for the experience. I feel like he would teach me some stuff. Yeah. You know, I think that. He'd be so into himself. Yeah. And he would complain about what I'm doing in my body and I'd be like, what about your fucking body?

And he'd be like, I'm 78. And I'd be like, all right. What do you guys, who would you choose? Yeah. Cloud for Norm. Norm? Who would take Norm? Norm Stewart.

He's great. He's great. Who would take William Shatner? He's sweet. I didn't even like that show. That show's horrible. What do you do? She just smiled a lot.

She really liked the idea of William Shatner. You like that? Old guys are easier, right? I mean, he's going to pop a Viagra. He'll dump his clip pretty quick, right? Oh my God. With a young man. I mean, he's going to pop a Viagra.

I mean, he's going to pop a Viagra. I mean, he's going to pop a Viagra. He's going to dump his clip pretty quick, right? Oh my God. With a young girl. Oh my God. He dumps clip all over you. Yeah.

Get that Trekkie love on you. Yeah. All right. We definitely have to wrap this up. Yeah. They just made these, you know, quicker, faster here. I know. They have another one.

Sorry, guys. We'll have to come back and do it proper. Yeah. We'll play the song. But we really have had the best time here. Yeah. Thank you guys for coming. Thank you for always being a great country and a great city.

We love you. We got to run. Have a great, great rest of your day. We'll see you guys. Okay. I also make some art. Dead baby elephant. I can say whatever I fucking want.

I'm Peter Stain, the biggest pussy. I love Theo Hogs the most. I'm Peter Stain, I also make some art. Dead baby elephant. I can say whatever I fucking want. I'm Peter Stain, the biggest pussy. I love Theo Hogs the most. I shit on myself.

It's disgusting, it's gross. I don't want to wear diapers. My brown, say hello. I'm Sam, my fucking head. Get control of my aggression. I ripped a woman's arm off. Reverge me as extension. You don't like art.

Man, what a dick. What the fuck does it matter with you, dude? Like, I give a fucking shit. I love Peter Races. Fucking redneck intellectuals. Get the fuck out of here. I don't really care what your opinion is. Kristina's some new stuff.

Like, really mean stuff. I'm getting all emotional. Man, what the fuck? Oh my god. Jesus Christ, sorry. Okay. Fuck no, oh. What emotion, I'm scared.

I love smoking crack. And Tennessee Swiggin'. And I love the Mom's House podcast. Don't you get it? I'm jealous of season one. Kristina and Tom too. Jeans, jeans, jeans. I love, love you.

I love Peter Steeve. I also make some art. Then, baby elephant. I can say whatever I fucking want. I love Peter Steeve. The biggest pussy. I love Theo Hark's The Ball. Teeth.

I love Peter Steeve. I also make some art. Then, baby elephant. I can say whatever I fucking want. I love Peter Steeve. I love Theo Hark's The Ball.