Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Classic Jeans 45-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 1, 2015

It's time to try on an old pair.  Classic Jeans 45 covers some of your favorite moments. Like the morning show where they ask Tommy if he's "their mommy" and Tina's vomit phobia.  Jeans up forever.��  

Jinx, I'm nervous. I just flossed with unwaxed floss. I flossed in between my two front veneers, and I had a moment of panic. Guys, do you live in Cincinnati? Come see me at Go Bananas April 22nd. That's April 23rd, April 24th, April 25th. And then guess what we're doing? A very special treat. We're doing your mom's house live April 26th at Go Bananas in Cincinnati. Tom has decided to come with me and be a pal, and we're going to do the podcast. We changed my Sunday show into a podcast because of you guys. Pretty awesome. It's going to be fun. That's it. Jinx, what about you? Where are you resting your denim? I got some real Genesie dates coming up here. San Diego, one night only, April 12th.

That is Genesie. Yep, April 12th, one night only in San Diego. The Pasadena Ice House, the great club in Pasadena, April 16th, which is also my Smurf Day. You're Smurf Day. You're going to join me. I'm going to do that. I'm going to open for you. So local Pasadena LA people come see us April 16th. It's my birthday show. It's a stand up show. Then in comedy works a few weeks later, the South Club. And after that, I've added a ton of dates, May, June, July are big for me. So please go to TomSegura.com slash shows and we're talking Salt Lake City, Chattanooga, Asheville, North Carolina, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Chicago.

I'm sorry. Hartnicks, Chicago, Detois, if you're in Detroit. I'm in Pontiac. I finally booked that and a whole bunch more coming up Boston, Brooklyn, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So please TomSegura.com. Check those out. All those shows will be a blast. But the Genes is with me April 16th in Pasadena. I know. It's going to be fun. Yeah, that's going to be awesome. It's a good month. April, April and May are going to be good. It's good for us right now. We're busy jeans. Busy jeans.

Now, you haven't picked up on it yet. This is a classic jeans episode. What happened today? Well, we were going to do our Momma's Sode, but we're shooting season two of How to Be a Grown Up. So you hopefully watched it when we were on season one on True TV. And then we went from that to a meeting that we just got out of for another show that we're working on. And now it's late and we have to shoot tomorrow morning. So it's just a crazy day for us. So apologies all around. We'll make it up with a really awesome episode next week, but this is it, Jeans. Sorry. Sorry, guys. We don't want to leave you empty-handed, but we didn't want to leave you with some schlocky, crummy episodes. Yeah, it would just be like throwing together and not good.

So we decided to dig into the vaults and we're bringing you, what episode is this? We are bringing you episode 45. Wow. That is way back. So early. At this point, just to give you an idea, we had just stopped working, like going to Red Band's place to do the show. We just stopped. We stopped at episode 39 and at this point, we are working with Blue Band for the first few times we worked with him. He wasn't a good producer. No, Blue Band, he retired shortly thereafter, but this is back in the vaults, man. This is back in the vaults. This is our old house with all the old smells.

The neighbor that would cook smelly Ethiopian food and it would just seep through the air vents because we shared it. Remember, we shared a heating and cooling system with the neighbor. That was the worst. That is not to say Ethiopian food smells bad. It does. It's more like all ethnicities. Whatever your ethnic background is, it smells like garbage. That's right. If it's not American, it's crap. This don't taste like ribs. It don't taste like cheeseburgers.

So anyways, that's it. We love you. We will be back with an all new episode next week. Hope you enjoy Classic Jeans 45. Bye, mommy. Bye, meow. Wanna try it out? Let's do this. Let's do this. Our next guest is going to be making you laugh hysterically at Hilarity's 4th Street Theater all week. And long comedian Tom Segura is here.

What's up, guys? Are you my mommy? They weren't. Really? Yeah. There's a reason why I asked that, everybody. I'll say it again. Are you my mommy?

I certainly am. He is, of course. No, I don't know what's going on. I think I should do something. It didn't fill me in. No. I am your mommy. My jeans are all the way up. He's talking about my podcast, Your Mom's House, and it covers everything.

I do it with my wife, Christina Pajeski, who's a comedian also. That was my next question. I was hoping that there was a female in this podcast. In the mom's house? Yeah. There is a female. Because it would be a little odd that you're answering mom questions. Yeah.

And we're asking mom things. Well, we don't talk about motherhood. We talk about everything from wiping, dental updates, dudes, all kinds of anything that happens in our life. I'm afraid to ask anything about it. I'm not going to elaborate on those. Well, hey, she's your mommy, so ask them a question. Ask them a question.

Ask them a question about wiping. I think I've got that one covered. I think I'm okay there. She says you've got to wipe down. Is this weird now? This shit is big time! Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stand!

Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura, Tom Segura and Christina Pajeski. Welcome to your mom's house. I'm with this, what we doing up? All you b******** n****s out there. I got my motherf***ing homeboys in that house. My n**** ice cube. I got my n****s in the truck.

This all goes through a n****. I'm front, back, side to side. We be giving it up till the day we die. N****s hitting me up. I'ma have to rub. So motherf***er, what's up? I love this. Side to side.

We gotta wipe it up side to side. N****s hitting me up. I'ma have to rub. So motherf***er, what's up? N****s clear the lane. Is that cube? Cube, it's the whole mad circus. Mountain, cube.

Somebody else? I'ma say man, that west side flavor. I like that. I know man. West coast pride man. The New Yorker's got it. West coast needs to represent. Who's always talking about how great the other coast is.

Heat my f***ing beanbag. You know how I drive a convertible. You know why? I'm in Southern California mother f***er. You touch work like convertible. That's what I'm saying. Delicious. You gotta enjoy it man, the sunshine.

We got weed. We got real gang bangers here man. Real gangsters. Korean barbecue. All kinds of shit son. I love it here. Oh my god, that clip you played at the top. My stomach hurts.

That was the best when you're like top dog says you gotta wipe front tip, wipe down. And the silence. She just stared at me. There's a two second, two seconds of real silence where she just went And then I just go, is this awkward now?

And she's like, no. I love how square she is. She's like, I don't like, I don't talk about those kind of things. I even did the mommy dance for her. Oh my god. Oh my god is right. This was in Cleveland man.

I'll give you the whole we should probably examine this. We need to start from the top. The tip at the top. That shit was great man. She's so square. Square chicks like that crack me up. She's a big time square.

Well usually morning TV people are like the squareest of square pets. I mean it's a rough I wouldn't want that gig man. That is not a fun gig to have. We'll try to get through this. You can't be offensive. You can't have fun.

What do you want us to ask you? Are you guys making strudel? This is delicious. It's keep it PC but to the fullest. They don't want any messing around with anything that could be misconstrued or misinterpreted

or in any way you know. Well no because you got a bunch of blue hairs watching these morning shows. It's real mommy's watching and they don't want any messing around. They don't want any phone calls from angry people. That's the thing.

When you do a morning show your listeners are people who are potentially going to make a phone call with I didn't appreciate that. Like my cousin Shadi. Shadi would definitely call. We had a lot of fans in here. Yeah she was like that but then it's always the model was too skinny on the cover

so I wrote a letter. Oh my god. Really. Really you wrote a letter. Alright. When the tooth in offends you. Yeah. So anyway. So you go on this morning show.

This is to plug your week. A week at Cleveland last week. Yeah. What do they do? That's their opening. I don't know why it has to be an explosion. But you do press as a comedian. To plug it to you.

Making you laugh. Hysterically. Hilarity's 4th Street Theater all weekend long. I wasn't going for this here. What's up guys? A lot of shenanigans during the break. What? You should keep it rolling.

It would be like that on any show. During the commercial break. This is when we're allowed to be a little goofy. Don't need to bleep anything. Yeah. It's good. You wouldn't have to bleep anyhow. See how she was quick to say we wouldn't have to bleep anyhow. She was trying to be like guys we don't curse which is not true. Which when we went to break

they were like what the fuck was that? Of course. They're people. They weren't all PG and PC. No. The guy was like you know fucking this fucking thing. Could you imagine you and me having this job and having to pull it back?

Oh my god. Well we would last not even the one segment. Maybe you were fired immediately. Yeah. Tom Segura. Born in Ohio. Born in Cincinnati. Nasty Natty. And then you moved to Florida and then you moved to LA.

She just doesn't know if you've heard it. She goes is that what they call it? I think so. He goes the nasty Natty. Oh. You moved to LA. Why do you move around so much? Because I'm homeless.

My parents were fugitives for a long time. That helps. So we just were on the run for a long time. Are you my mommy? Hey. There's a reason why I asked that everybody. You realize that I got to give him credit for asking that

but then he obviously was like I better turn to our listeners and be like hey there's a reason why I asked that so you all don't think I'm completely out of my fucking mind. So I give him credit for actually you know. How cool was he to actually do that?

Awesome. That's what I'm saying. I'm giving him credit for that. And then he was quick to be like there's a reason. He was letting them know like don't don't freak out. She still fire me for saying this. Say it again. Are you my mommy?

No. I don't know what's going on. He was because she was you know she's four corners. That's why I just was like you know what like a big night for her is going out to Outback Steak House and getting a blooming onion and eating the whole thing. Like that's a chore. All by myself.

I make my husband laugh too. They have that coming. It didn't fill me in. I am your mommy. My jeans are all the way out. You're talking about my podcast. Your mom's house. See you guys. Even when I'm not with you I'm talking about you. Mommy's are always with you.

I could have plugged whatever I wanted. I could have just done bits or just sell people to come to the Hilarities Comedy Club. I said fuck that. I'm talking about my mommy's. It's called bombing. You bombed your morning TV.

You know what I mean? Like a press bomb. Exactly. A press bomb. We have to do this more. It's so much fun. Just take over. It's fun. Have you been on the road lately? Your mom's house

is this podcast I've been doing. You just don't answer their questions. Have you been doing any road dates? I've been on your mom's house a lot. Remember we did that in Phoenix? Those guys were cool too. We had to find that one.

At one point that's basically what we did. You guys were married and we were like oh fuck. We just turned this around into something good. Something good. We started talking about our podcast. We were model walking that week. That was on the TV press.

I do the mommy dance for them. Our listeners don't know what the mommy dance is though. That's right. We haven't showed them. We've got to put a video on YouTube. Once we get our you stream up, which is coming very soon. Here's the update on that in the middle of this.

I got one of the cameras today. I went and I got one of the cameras. I'm getting the other one tomorrow. I promise, promise, promise you that by next week, next week, by March

13th, we will have a you stream video. It's exciting. We'll promise to show you guys what the mommy dance is. So that you guys can do it at home or with your own friends. I'll tweet this link out so you can see what I do on this. You got it.

So let's keep playing. It's something we say on the podcast. Comedians do the podcast a lot. The in thing for them to do while they're not as hilarious making people laugh. It covers everything. I do it with my wife, Kristina Pijewski, who's a comedian also.

That was my next question. I was hoping that there was a female in the podcast. I was hoping there was a female. Better be. Yeah. There is a female. It would be a little odd that you're answering a lot of questions.

We're asking mom. We don't talk about motherhood. We talk about everything from wiping, dental updates, dudes, all kinds of anything that happens in our life. I'm afraid to ask anything about it. I'm not going to elaborate on those. What?

Ask them a question. Ask them a question about wiping. No. That one covered. Popdog says you've got to wipe down. Did you hear that? No. Silence.

They were so like, what in the fuck did you just say? Silence. She didn't know. No. They did not know how to react to that. No, that was not. Is this weird now? No, not at all.

You didn't notice that in the last second. These are my favorites. If you go to yourmomshousepodcast.com, there's links to all the shows, and you can go in detail, and you can answer your wiping questions if you want. So, being Mary, I'm just going way over that.

Can we go past that, please? Thank you very much. When you're doing a show with your wife, and she's a comedian, do you guys try to one-up each other to see who's funniest in that? By the way, that's a standard. I don't know why. They're like, they're always trying to one-up each other.

It's like, no, what are you talking about? So weird. We're married. We're not fucking roommates, man. You're my life partner. Not only that, even comedians that you're friends with, you don't one-up each other. That's because people that aren't in comedy

are one-upping each other. Oh, right. That's what that is. There's a culture of one-upping. Ridiculous. It's not a competitive thing. We do live shows. We don't go on stage at the same time. It's not like we're not in the Catskills. Well, no, I'm just talking about even at home.

No. There's nothing wrong with the Catskills. Whatever. We do it. It's not a one-up thing. It's fun. It's not a competitive thing. We have fun, and we make each other laugh, but it's not about trying to top each other.

Sort of like you and your husband at home, right? Yes. We're laughing all the time. Are you? Sure. He dances, and I laugh. Yeah, we do things. Would you please? Here we go.

You're welcome, ladies. Take the jacket off now. We've got some Barry White playing. Michael, I think you can do better than that. That wasn't dancing. It's called the mommy dance. I kind of snuck it in there. What I say is called the mommy dance.

Do you think that she and her husband do have a ton of fun together? It's fucking so much fun. These are still warm if you want one. This should be one move. That's why you're back first. Yeah, the booty shake. Break it down for him.

There you go. That's my over-the-rind dance. How long have you been doing it? Shout out to Cincinnati right there. I got real specific on you. I said that's my over-the-rind dance, in a neighborhood where you might get shot. Motherfucker.

The comedy. She asked me how long have you been doing the comedy? The comedy. The comedy. The comedy. Have you been doing the broadcast? The broadcast in 18 years. I'm doing the comedy 10.

What were you doing before that? Not sitting around, a lot, sleeping. You were going to say master rating. You got the right requirements to be a comedian. A lot of sleep. You can't say on the air. I was working different jobs.

I started comedy right after college. I had more part-time gigs. I worked in reality shows. In LA. Why are you pointing at you? You look like you could... What? This was a weird moment here.

He did the thing that you never want to do, actually. When you've done something, maybe that had some notoriety, which is assume that everybody you meet knows about it. In Cleveland, probably everybody does.

He was like, why are you looking at me? Because you're the person I'm talking to. Why are you looking at me like that? Because we're doing the interview together. What do you mean? It turns out that he was on a reality show. He looked at me like,

you know who I was. I don't know. You were on a reality show? Yes, I was. Why don't you know this? Average Joe Hawaii. I watched it. Maybe you would recognize him.

I loved Average Joe. That was one of my favorites. Temptation Island. It would be the same thing if somebody were like, I never miss MTV. They're saying this because of me, and they're like, no, I don't know what you're talking about.

You don't know me from Road Rules 6. You don't know the shows. I assume that everybody watched every season of Road Rules. That was amazing. Is there more? Or does he talk about being on Average Joe? He's sleeping.

Average Joe Hawaii? What's that all about? You've got to check it out. I said as long as I've known Michael and I never saw the show. It was a dating show? You can YouTube it. My boss walked in and we left together.

That is a good story. You hook up a lot? They're all men. There was one woman that they were vying for her affection. That's a show. She's so repressed. We ate the whole Cinnabon.

It was crazy. They were fun. They were big men. The morning show is a tough gig. When I went to Louisville, they had me do a morning show. It was so rad. It's so small time compared to LA.

God bless them. It's funny and cute. Everybody's in the same room. There was a band right next to me. They put me behind a podium. I was like what? I had to read the copy. It was so bizarre.

Every morning show I started drinking on makes the show. That's tough. You're up early. They're all wide-eyed. Let's make this fun. They have bizarre chemistry. What is going on in here?

Why are you bouncing off the walls? You realize they're coached. Be happy. Be happy about everything. Why is that? I never understood why they make them overly happy. When you wake up, you're not usually like that.

Don't you want to be mirrored emotionally? I think so. And have people that are at a normal pace. That's why I loved listening to Howard Stern growing up. He was just as miserable as I was. From waking up. He was like hey.

So fucking. It made sense. Not like hey everybody. Nervous laughter. You're not crazy. You're in Cleveland. Just relax. Go eat your feelings away.

You're going to do later. Speaking of fucking Cleveland. I love the city. I love performing there. Ohio is a great state for comedy. It is awesome. There's clubs everywhere. There's clubs in Columbus.

Toledo. Cincinnati. But I'm doing the improv there. Is there a funny bone? It's called the Newport funny bone. It's actually in Newport, Kentucky. It's over the bridge. I like it.

It's not as good as it is. Don't say that. How dare you. I wasn't saying anything. I'm going to be there. Wait, before I forget. I want to give a couple of shout outs to all my people.

I just came back from San Diego. Tommy, did you write on this paper for me or no? What? No, I went to San Diego last night. There were mommies in the audience. I absolutely love when mommies come to the shows.

You can see it on their face. They're happy. I want to give a shout out to Mike Peternell and Ashley Sugartitz-Mawson, his girlfriend. They were on the front row. Chris also, thank you guys for coming. It was so much fun to see you there.

All right. I was in Cleveland. I was in Cleveland and I was having a good time. I was playing a fantastic club called Hilarities which is across the way

from one of my favorite restaurants in the country, by the way. Cracker Barrel? No, the Greenhouse Tavern in Cleveland is amazing. You never told me this. I have told you about it. You just don't pay attention because you don't listen

because you love when I don't. You don't like when I'm happy. How dare you? It's one of the really best places. That was so mean. You're mean today. Why are you so mean? What are you talking about?

You're not today no affection from you. That's not true. You're not today? Yeah, of course. What the fuck is that? You're just spicy. You're spicy. Jesus, man.

What? Can I tell the story? Go ahead, you grouchy old dog. I'm sitting in the front row. I'm not sitting in the front row. I'm watching the show. I'm watching this two groups. These two couples are in the front row

and he's doing this one thing that just makes me lose my fucking mind. It's when there's drunk people and the comic before you decides to engage them all. So he starts talking to all of them. I mean, everyone do whatever you want, but I think that is a fucking

big red flag note. That is from the school of you shouldn't do this. It just causes more disruption. That being said, it doesn't matter. He finishes. I go up there. This is a generalizing

and this is maybe stereotyping, but for some reason there seems to be a constant and that is that when you get boozed up or buzzed or maybe drunk

entitled, wealthier, white people, they're the worst people in the world. The worst human beings. And I'm a minute into being on stage. I'm in the middle

of a bit and I can hear them and you have to like, do I stop like right what I'm saying? I go, no, I'll just finish the next 30 seconds of what I'm saying. And I finished it,

I finished the joke and I look at them and the two guys are kind of like, one of them is looking at me, one of them is looking at the table. The two women are having a full volume conversation. Full volume.

It makes me crazy. So I go, what are you talking about? And they're like what? And they go, it's sort of the most important thing in the world. We're talking about our kids. And I was like, you don't even realize

that I don't really care what you're talking about. Like I'm just pointing that out that you're talking so loudly that we can't listen to we like people can't hear me and I can't speak because you're talking so much. Yeah, it's distracting. Yeah. And they're like, well, yeah.

And I'm like, look, if it's so important just go out to the lobby. Have that super important conversation out there. Like I'm not even being a dick to them. I'm just pointing out like, hey, you know, you think you could be cool about this

and just not be so loud? So the lady's like, yeah, okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, I got it. I got it. I'm like, oh, you got it? She's like, yeah, I go, okay, just shut the fuck up now. Okay, like with a smile. Shut the fuck up.

And it kind of like, from show to show that varies and like sometimes people will kind of roll. Yeah, like they're all on board, you know. Yeah, they paid good money. You know, it's a fortune to go out and have fun with drinks and the tickets and then some cunt in the front.

Ro is talking about her fucking kids and everything, cares. So I feel like it's over. I turn to like to my right because they're kind of to my stage left. I turn right. I'm about to like say the next thing I'm going to say

go back to the show and it's like an idiot when it's dead silent. She goes, bye-bye. Oh, yeah. And then I was like, what did you say? And she was like, huh? And I go, bye-bye.

And her husband goes, the guy who I find out is her husband is like, why don't you say something? And I'm like, why don't I say something? He goes, yeah, why don't you say something? And he goes, or give me the mic. Oh boy. And I go, I'm supposed to give you the mic?

He's like, yeah, I go, how about this? How about instead of giving you the mic? You tongue my asshole. And he just like his face drops. Everybody laughs, of course. And I go, how about that?

And when you're done, I'll give you the mic and you can tell everybody what it tasted like. And then I'm like, and then I'm fucking, but I'm not this calm and collected about this. I'm red. And I'm like, fuck you. Fuck your wife.

Fuck your dumb kids. And I fucking, I'm losing my mind and I don't understand why the world is full. Like it's moments like that where I lose all of my faith in humanity. It's been affecting me for days.

It's fucking, I absolutely, at that moment, I'm not kidding you, that was the closest I ever come. And this might sound dramatic, but it was the closest I ever came to just putting the mic in the stand. Just being like, have a good night, guys.

Having a Dana Gould meltdown. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the famous, yeah. Dana Gould was a tremendous comedian one time, years ago, just walked off stage and was like, fuck this. I'm not doing this. I understand that center. Oh, I do too, especially because when I was in Kentucky,

you're trying to be vulnerable and that's the other thing and the thing that killed me, I mean, I'm not bad-mouthing this place because it's a great place and it has great people that work there. I wish those people had been thrown out for the simple fact

that they did this two minutes into my set and I'm doing an hour and it's like, I don't feel like opening up anymore. Now, why do you want to share yourself with them? Why do I want to tell you about me? Yeah, they've shown you, they don't give a shit about you. They're just back for cunts.

That's right. When I was in Louisville, I was sharing my life being personal and this douchebag starts yelling cities in Los Angeles, serritos downy and I laid into him the way I seen Rogan do it

and Rogan's like, fuck you, fucking piece of shit and I just, I couldn't, I saw red because I was 20 minutes in and here I am connecting and having a good time. Piece of shit. How dare you interrupt me? How dare you ruin it? I'm building trust. I trusted you guys

and now you're fucking all of it up and the audience was behind me because it's true. How can you be vulnerable and give a good show when some douchebag is ruining the whole vibe of the room? They really are. It's very exciting. It's the fucking worst, man.

It really is the worst. It makes me hate humanity. It does. I really do. It makes me fucking taxi driver. I go, what am I doing? What am I fucking doing? Why am I... Why do I fucking... These animals. Why do I have to entertain these goddamn animals?

Yeah. I mean, really. Drunks. Oh, the animals come out at night. Horses, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies. Sick. Vino. Some day a real rain will come

and wash all the scum off the streets. That's what we need. That's how I feel some days. Yeah. Travis Bickle. I go all over. I take people to the Bronx. I take all of them.

I don't care. Don't make no difference to me. Someone who can take spooks. Don't make no difference to me. Skunk pussies. I want to make something clear. It's not like I don't feel like... There's a huge difference.

I don't think people understand it. They don't do what we do. Don't just stand up ever. There's a huge monumental difference between somebody yelling something out and heckling. Heckling.

Which I don't have a problem with. I don't toss people out for heckling. Somebody needs attention. Somebody's trying to engage. You say something back. You're the pro. I can handle it. I will put you in your place.

I don't tolerate that. I don't even like hecklers. That is in the realm of that's part of the stand-up world. People are going to do that as long as you do this. What I'm talking about is such a self-important

self-absorbed oblivious cunt of a human being or in this case, group of them that are so fucking unaware and unenlightened that they think that this moment,

this room, this show is about them that they can do what they want and fuck everybody in here who care. We feel like doing this. We're going to talk about our kids at full volume and if you don't like it, well, it's the most important thing in the world.

Why don't you fucking say something back? Bye-bye. All that cunt-like behavior, that's not heckling. That's you're a piece of shit. You're a self-important piece of shit and they're rich. They're always the fucking worst.

It's not the dirty trailer trash. It's the fucking nobody ever tells me that I'm wrong or anything. I tell you, I did a country club during the day on Valentine's day. I did a Valentine's day in the valley

here and it was for a private party. It was a group of women, a group of rich white, entitled country club women at their lunch and they were so goddamn disrespectful and horrible. I have done soldiers in Afghanistan.

Horrible. I have done Iraqi soldiers. They had more respect for a woman talking than these fucking cunts in a country club who are more entitled to eating their fucking salmon salads. It made me bananas.

The worst show I ever did, hands down the worst response I've ever had from a group was when I did Carson Palmer's charity event in Orange County. I remember that. They were like, are there any

Cincinnati people out here and they reached out to me and they were like, will you host this thing? It was at a private event. There were 400 people in a room. Picture 400 people when you walk into a bar full volume

talking where you're like, you can't go like, hey man, it's full volume. So that's pre-event. They make an announcement where they're like, the event's about to start. Please welcome your host of the event, Tom Segura. Nothing changed.

Everybody stayed speaking at the same volume. I had a microphone and I was like, hey everybody, we're starting now. Hey, we're starting. Nobody stopped. Everybody continued their conversations and they continued them when the guy came up

who was the head of the charity. In other words, the thing that the reason Carson was throwing this was for the charity was for abused children. And he went on stage. The charity guy was like, so our home we take in kids that have been beaten and burned with hangers

and as he's telling that, you can hear people being like, well then we're going to go to Long Beach and there's a party that could do shooters. Fuck them. They'll be pussy everywhere. Like you don't, nobody cares. And they were all wealthy. Sure.

They don't have to worry about being polite. There you go. There's Travis. What do you think, Travis? That's right. I'm with you, Travis. Take him down, Bickel. I'm totally with you, man. When I came back from two weeks in Afghanistan I felt like him, you know,

because I remember I was in a gas station driving to Las Vegas and I heard these fat fucking cunts in the bathroom and they were like, oh my god this bathroom is so dirty. I can't pee in here. And I was like, bitch, there are people in this world that have never even seen a toilet.

It really gives you perspective. Yeah, like you're complaining about the bathroom is not clean enough for you and at McDonald's you fucking fat pig. Fuck off. You know? People are so fucking... White people are the devil, man.

Oh, they're the absolute worst men. Sorry about that. Who was that? My bad. And then, by the way, as soon as I get back, I deal with another piece of shit. This guy at the car place

at the service who services my car. They're there to ruin your life. Everybody at dealerships, they just want to take your money and ruin your day. I've never been one who's like,

you know, I'm not like the big... I don't give the big speech on like technology is gonna bring us down and ruin humanity. But this guy basically told me that I was a liar sitting down face to face

at a place that I'm spending a lot of money at. And he's like, I'm telling him, well, something that you fixed. I basically told the guy, there's something that you guys fixed that broke, so I need you to just fix it again. And he goes, well, according to like,

I'm looking at the monitor, it wasn't fixed. And I was like, no, but you did fix it the last time that I was here. I was just being like, I was like, no, but it was. He was like, yeah, but I'm looking at it now and it wasn't. I'm not asking you if it was fixed. I'm telling you from the face.

I can see what I'm thinking. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't mean that it's not true because it doesn't say it on your monitor. And he was like, and then he started to get like smug. He was like, well, you know, and I was like, you know what?

It's a fucking camp. That's how I felt about the guy. Well, you know what it is is that they hire the dumbest people sometimes. The dumbest men, the dumbest person ever. Sometimes that they should be hiring really smart people. Just pay the smart people a little bit more.

And I did the thing. It feels so good, by the way. It feels so good. I don't normally do this, but just in the middle of our conversation when I realized we were getting nowhere, he goes, he's like, yeah, I'm just looking at thing I go, I don't want to talk to you anymore.

And he was like, what? I go, I don't want to talk to you. Go get your manager. And then I didn't wait for him. I was like, never mind. I just walked out of his office and I walked right into the manager's office. And I just told him the whole thing.

And I was like, I don't appreciate any of this shit. And the manager of course is like, I'm sorry, I didn't, you know, I don't know. I'm like, yeah, you can't just tell people that they're lying. Because your fucking stupid monitor didn't tell you. And I go, how the fuck does that make any sense?

You're trying to tell me, and like my tail light was out. And I was like, can you fix that? And some guy just grabbed the light and fixed it. And then I leave. Is that in the system? Does he input all that? Because if he didn't put it in the system, it doesn't exist.

Then I made it up. Remember that time we called a direct TV lady last week? We wanted to rent. We wanted to watch Tim and Eric's movie. The billion dollar movie. And we called in and we're like, wait, I don't want to wait until 11 o'clock. We should explain what it looked like

on the screen was that it had show times. So it was like, you can watch the 9 o'clock showing, or you can watch the 11 o'clock showing, or the 1 a.m. showing. So it's like, it's like 10 o'clock. So the 9 o'clock showing has started.

So we go, hey, we call them up and we go. I called to her. I talked to her. The dumb piece of shit. No, and I was like, yeah, but this doesn't make sense. You can watch this movie on demand like right now. And not wait until 11 o'clock.

She goes, yes, of course. Right. And I'm like, great. How do I do that? How do I watch Tim and Eric right now? And she's like, oh, if you watch the movie that started already it started at 9 o'clock, but it's already like an hour in. I'm like, dude, I just asked you

if I could watch the movie. But it's not that she just told you yes. She says, yes, you can watch it right now. Well, what part of that? How do we do that? And she goes, just wait until 11 or just watch the movie that started an hour ago. It always makes me think of Natasha when she does dumb people.

Well, how about why don't you wait until 11? You can watch it then. You're like, why just fucking ask you? I just wanted to know if I could watch it now. That's so true. That's so funny. That voice she does. Fucking camp. Fucking camp.

Yeah. We got some shit to get to for you. I'm so excited, guys. We have so much on the docket. There is a lot going on. How about, let's see, a little bit of real talk? Yes.

I love it. That is our introduction to real talk. King. Let's start with this one. It's basically about you. There's a show called My Strange Addiction. Oh, that one we're doing first.

Yeah. We'll do that, sure. And we watched this episode. Holy shit. It's so amazing. If you haven't seen My Strange Addiction, it's on TLC. And it's kind of what we like. It's freaks and weirdos

and just people who do things that you can't even fucking wrap your mind around. And it's hard. It's hard to watch it over and over. It's hard to watch while eating, for sure. Oh, I can't, hoarders. And My Strange Addiction, I cannot watch while we're eating dinner. We might have Matt Paxton on next week.

That's right. I'm trying to set it up with him. I know he's doing like every podcast, every major podcast. We hope we get him on here. Matt Paxton is our good buddy. I got a lot of clutter. I got a lot of clutter.

That's what every hoarder says. I'm also a collector. I like to collect things. And the toilet broke. And I figured, you know, why bother fixing the toilet? I just want to make brown everywhere. Just wear a dapper. Okay.

So, Strange Addiction, here's a little taste of a woman who's 54 years old and she has been growing her toenails for five years. 54 year old Ayanna has over 15 inches of toenails

and considers them her babies. But Ayanna has diabetes and her extreme toenails prevent her from getting the exercise she needs to stay healthy. But her being active really keeps her further and further away from that real threat of diabetes.

If she does clip her toenails then she'll be able to do a lot more. Today, Vincent is taking Ayanna to a dance class to prove his point. You can't begin to imagine what these look like. You just can't. They are the most...

They're claws. They're talons. They're huge. And they're not like... You ever walked around and you see a woman who clearly had a pedicure and you're like, why don't you trim them? Or like, ew, the French pedicure?

But the long one where it's like you went into a place and you left them extra long... Don't leave your toenails extra long. And the problem is with these women's toenails is that they've grown out to look like, I don't know, like... They hurt, they curl.

They curl. And they're brown and they're moldy. They're discolored. They're not... It doesn't look hot. It's not hot. Well, that depends on who you ask. But, no. I mean, I like a nice pair of Tutsis that are well taken care of.

This is vomit inducing. These click-clack on the ground. Like your pugs. Like your dad's, your parents' pugs. When their nails are too long, you can hear a dog. You can hear them on a hardwood floor. She actually can't walk.

This woman can't walk. This is the best part. She has diabetes. It's called the sugar. She's got the sugar. She's got the betas. And she goes into a podiatrist who basically looks at her like,

are you out of your fucking mind right now? That's the best part. They only have to go to the doctor. And then the doctor's like, no. Right now, they're trying to get her to see how bad it is. So they take her to a dance class. And she's just like, don't step on my toenails. That's all she cares about. I'd like for you now to try to get into close position.

So, five, six, ready and one, two, three. Don't stop on my foot. Five, six, seven, yeah. Get a little close. Get a little too close. One, two, three and... Oh, sorry. You're going to step on my toe. And five, six, yeah.

Get too close. Too close, by the way, for her is like, basically within two feet. She starts to freak out because she has 15 inch fucking toenails. She can't even wear normal shoes. She has to cut the sneakers, the toes out of the sneakers, or just wear flip-flops year round.

And they take her bowling and she can't obviously fit into a size 14, even bowling shoe. So they tie the shoe around her foot. So she steps on top of the shoe and then it's tied with the laces. I want to know which percentage,

which segment of the foot-loving community is into what she's got going on. Because I... It's so foul to look at. There's nothing pretty about this. No, it doesn't. It's not real. But she's like, it makes me feel sexy.

And there's got to be somebody who's telling her that it's sexy. Somebody on the internet. In the foreign country in Sri Lanka. Oh, okay. Cut somebody's face with those nails right now. They're really crazy looking, man. But can I tell you something that the hands, the hand ones,

after you look at them long enough, they almost look normal. Yeah, she has full claws. Crazy nails, where they curl and stuff. Yeah, she can't type. I don't know how she's employed. She can't be gainfully employed. There's no way. How do you wipe your ass? Wow, that's a big one.

They need to address that on the whole show. How do you wipe your ass? Holy shit. That's the top comment. See? On this clip is so, how does she wipe bum? Yeah. And she's got 26 plus thumbs up. All right, let's see if...

It's a huge concern of mine that someone will step on my feet. I have had some bad experiences. I don't want that to happen. Yeah. Okay, now what we're going to do is on the balls of our feet, we're going to spin 180 to face the back wall. I don't think that's going to work

because I'm going to hit my toe right there. See how close it is with the flip? She can't do a basic spin and turn. Can I tell you what I think this is really all about, by the way? In this case, because my strange addiction covers a lot of... Sometimes there's like real addictions. I really think this is somebody who just found a way to get attention.

Oh, yeah. And is like not willing to give... Because she realizes if you cut these and look normal and you're able to walk around in regular shoes, nobody's going to be like, hey, you're that fucking spectacularly weird person. Well, it's the same reason I was goth in high school.

It's not because it's easier, convenient or conducive to life. It's just that it's a way to get attention without you having to have a talent or be special. It's like, this is my thing. I do this. It's fucking disgusting.

It is fucking disgusting. It looks unbearably unhygienic. Fucking canned. It looks so yellow and dingy. It's so foul. I mean, you guys will check this out, I'm sure. If you go to YouTube, you just go my strange addiction toenails.

Can I tell you that even when I... No, when I... If my nails grow to the point where I can't type, even if it gives me slight discomfort in typing, I have to cut them immediately. And then I like to leave those toenail clippings on the bathroom floor for you to step on later. I like...

I mean, everybody has their own preference. Fingernails, I like shaped to the end of the finger fingernails. I understand that some people like... Like a nice shorter. I don't like long nails. For toes, it's not even a fucking subject for me.

I don't even understand how anybody would want them longer. Why would you want long toenails? Even long fingernails. It looks fucking weird. For the ladies. Because I pick my nose a lot. Aggressively.

You're real big on doing it in public, by the way. How dare you? What do you think gathers under this lady's toenails when she walks around? That's what I'm saying, that it has to be a disaster. Do you think when somebody... Nobody... Shrimpings?

When they shrimp those nails? Nobody's shrimping. Maybe that's why she keeps them that long. Maybe there's like a guy... Is she trying to keep away from shrimping? She's like, you gotta stop sucking these nails. There's a group of guys that come around and maybe she charges...

And they just don't highlight it on this show. It's gotta be a fetish. Or something sexual. It's so unattractive. I get the foot thing, I don't get the 15 inch nails. Here's what I don't get in life. I don't get scat.

Like people that are sexually into poo. Totally get it. I don't get this kind of shit. The toenail growing. The vacuum seal themselves? You were seeing that latex? It's called latex play. Pony play?

I want to get to this moment. I'm sorry, I don't know if it's here. Do you remember when she responds to the doctor? To the professional medical? Right. I think we've reached our limit. I'm gonna just step in here. I felt a little awkward.

You just feel like a little lonely child. That nobody wants to play with you. That you enjoy the dance session. I enjoy it. Just worried about my toenails. Imagine you being able to move around more freely without the fear of you. She's having to...

People are having to convince her that, hey, don't you see how life would be better without your stupid nails? Taking a toenail and how much more healthy you can become. There'll be an A plus for you fighting your diabetes. How you gonna tell me to just cut my toenails?

They're like a limb on my body. No, they're not. No, they're not. It's not there, but... They're not limbs. That's why they're toenails. You can trim them. The actual... The part that I was talking about,

my favorite thing is that the doctor is like, my recommendation as a medical professional, let me trim these right now. And this lady goes, I respect your opinion as a doctor. I respect your opinion as a doctor. I really do.

But there's no way in hell I'm trimming these toenails. And you're just like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you not trim your toenails? And she has fungus. The doctor tells her... There's foot fungus everywhere. The nail beds look all crusty. Everything is wrong.

I know my feet look nice. You know why she has such fucked feet? Because she goes to get pedicures twice a week. That's what she says. Twice? No, I think it's less. Why would you get twice a week? That's two coats of nail polish. That's how you get foot fungus, man.

I wouldn't put it past her. Remember when I went to the pedicure? And I got an infection. They cut my toenail too short. Fuck, I'm never doing it again, man. You're never getting a pedicure again? Not a professional one. Are you kidding me? That sucks, dude.

To go to the doctor and be like... You got medicine and everything. Can you grow them long like this for me? I don't can work on it, yeah. Yeah, just don't ever cut them. My strange addiction is great because there's a plastic, a dirt. Oh, dirt was hard to wash.

Just eating. The grossest one was tartar sauce. Did you see that one? That was freaky eaters. Oh, freaky eaters. That was a great one. She just drinks tartar sauce by the gallon. And they showed her... This is how much tartar sauce you've eaten in the course of your life.

And it was like four vats. And she is just... Oh, so rad. Fucking camp. Pine saw, there's a woman that's addicted to smelling. She's coughing it. She just smells it all day. Yeah, that's brutal.

Her throat is all red. She's completely burning her insides. It's complete chaos. So, this other clip. Why don't you set it up for us? I love this clip so much. This is, you know, I guess one of the LA Inc. spin-off Miami Inc. shows. And I love these tattoo shows.

Because I love these derelicts. They're such characters. Yeah, they're great. I don't give a fuck about the stories. Because everybody's like, well, my cat died. So, I thought I'd get a cat tattoo on my back. And you're like, yeah, well, there's other ways to commemorate. But, okay. So, this is New York Inc.

And Megan Massacre, who's like the cute 20-something-year-old, in the shop. Really cute. She's cute. Very cute, yeah. So, she's got a crush on her friend, her guy friend. Yeah. And they go to a steampunk event that she's DJing.

And she has a couple more Chardonnays and she wanted to have. And she has feelings for him. So, she goes on the stoop outside. And they sit down and talk. And they sit down and talk. And she tells him how she feels. Okay.

Go ahead. I think you're fun. But, I don't want to ruin our friendship. Can I just do something? No, no, no. I just don't know. I really have a lot of fun with you.

And I just want you to know that, like, I really appreciate you being my friend. And, like, I really enjoy our time. I really appreciate hanging out with you. And I feel like you've become, like, one of my best friends. Yeah. I feel the same way, too. And it's, like, really hard to tell you

that I like you so much more. I felt the same way. And I haven't wanted to say anything for the same reason. Really? Yeah. Oh, you... maybe...

I don't know if you can pick up on the audio of that, but... Ah, Tommy! Oh, Tom. Tommy, let's take off my headphones. I will not hear that. She tells them how she feels. He's like, get me to... She just leans off of...

Stop it! I can't hear that. And just vomits all over the sidewalk. Tommy, stop playing it. I can't even put my headphones on because I can hear it. Okay, okay. So she fucking pukes on the sidewalk. She just pukes.

Oh. She says, are you okay? I don't care. Okay. I've never been so mortified in my life. He says, I don't care. I don't care. You can put your headphones back on. Here, let me pull her back for you.

I don't care. I don't care. Because they're just... They're proclaiming their love for each other. Basically, this is the first, yeah, proclamation of love. Right? I don't care. I don't care. I'm so sorry. And now they're making out.

They are kissing. He is Frenching her right now. You want to go home? Yeah, I'm going to throw up. Holy shit. He fucking Frenches her after she pukes. He just French her after that. That is absolutely...

Oh, Tommy! Stop it! I'm serious. I can't. No, I don't like it. I know, I know. It's hard to just... No, but it makes my stomach lurch every time I hate it. Can we do one more?

No, please. I'm going to fucking be sick. Babe, I hate you so much. I didn't do that one. I didn't do that. Who's doing it? Blue Band? Blue Band can't even reach that far. It's closed.

It's done. I'm serious. That really freaked me out. Okay, it's over. It's over. That was so horrifying that he Frenches her after she pukes. Just to show that... Dude, I can't...

Would you do that for me? No. You would probably lick my butthole after I shit. Because you love me that much. I think you would. I do love you a lot. Would you French me after I puked? I mean, Frenching after a puke is pretty...

I don't know. It's pretty... It's pretty disgusting. I don't think anybody... I could never do that. Yeah, that's not... You don't need to do that. He didn't need to do that there either.

I think she'll actually respect him more for not doing that. Do you think in retrospect she's like, that guy, he's too into me? Anybody did that to me after I vomited? You'd be like, uh... No, I would punch him and I'd be like, get the fuck out of here, don't kiss me, you pig. I don't think I'd like that.

Tommy, I'm real traumatized by those sounds. Okay, well let's play other sounds. Don't be upset, I don't want you to be upset. No, please don't play it again. You're up to no good and I see it. I swear I'm not going to. You swear to Christ? Yes, I promise you it's not going to happen.

You swear on your mother's life? On top dog's life? On top dog's coffee? Let's talk about this, this has nothing to do with vomit. I'll punch you if it is. We've been having this conversation for a while. My father bought a beta cam machine. And I think we were one of the first people in our neighborhood

to have a video machine. That is... We were able to go to a little video store that was there. The voice of the lovely Penelope Cruz. A little video store? You might be wondering, why are you playing that clip? Well, Christina and I have a long going Latina debate about who is lovelier.

Very important debate. Very important. Is it Salma Hayek? Or Penelope Cruz? It's Penelope Cruz. Cruz. The Tateo, because she's from España. Cruz.

No, wait a minute. They're both Mexican, right? No, no, no, and no. Salma is Mexican. And Penelope is Spanish. So they're both Mexican. And Penelope Cruz, I think, is the far superior Latin girl. You're out of your fucking mind.

I think she's a hundred times prettier. I mean, I think they're both beautiful. Don't get me wrong. They're both beautiful. Both talented. I just, I love Penelope Cruz's face. Yeah. So much more than Salma.

She's lovely. She's a lovely lady. I think she's gorgeous. She's a lovely, lovely lady. Salma is just like, come, you know, like you just want to fill her up. Babe. Babe. You know what I'm saying?

I mean, she's a much sexier. Babe. You want to put Tateo on our talk? She's a cum machine. She's a cum machine. Oh my God. You just want to fill all of her holes with them and you want to seal them tight. You want to use cum to seal the holes.

You know, she has, I mean, like in it, like as I go, just a beautiful woman. So the debate we've had going is who is, we've talked about who's better, who's hotter. You are so stupid for saying that. Why? Why? I mean, some, I can't believe you disrespect Salma. I meant that as a compliment. To fill her with cum.

You know, I'm trying to talk about how do you qualify someone's beauty? I mean, you know. I think, I like Penelope Krothath. I like her faith more. She's a nice lady. She's not a nice lady. She's more complicated. She plays crazier.

No. What's that Woody Allen movie she did? Where she and Scarlett Johansson and the guy, they were all lovers. I like that one. That's Make Me Air Tight. I think that's it. Thank you. Here's what bothers me.

That came from a master's degree candidate. That's what doesn't bother me. That's what doesn't bother me. Because this series is seen in 125 countries, our act. Which Mexican was that? Babe. That's Salma. You see what I mean?

Shut up James. Tell us where you were born. I was born in Coatzacoalcos Veracruz, Mexico. Oh. Where? Coatzacoalcos. I've been there. Where is that precisely?

That is in the Gulf of Mexico. She epitomizes, she's the perfect Latina sex symbol. Yeah. I agree. I think she's beautiful. But we had the conversation. We've had this conversation. But I don't find her.

Maybe because I grew up in LA and I've seen a lot of Mexican girls growing up. I've seen very beautiful Mexican people. So she doesn't seem exotic to me. Penelope Cruz, I like her because she's more exotic. I like her facial structure more. I don't know. In the city, we were in the outskirts of the city. There was a little video store.

Everyone in my family loved cinema. I think that had a lot to do with... She seems to me... I love her. Yeah, she's nice. Wait, and who is she with? What's his name? Javier Bardem.

I love... And every time I see Javier Bardem in a movie, I think of you. Yeah. He reminds me so much of you. With dirty spik. Oh, I love that dirty, filthy, grimy spik. That's what you are, boo-boo. I want to know.

I think... I love it. I like them. Let's have our listeners vote. Okay. Are you team Salma or team Penelope? Team Penelope, all the way, you guys. I'm team Salma.

Whatever, dude. I'm with my Mexican sister. I did like her in Frida. I love that Frida-Carlo movie. She's a great actress. They're both great actresses. And she rocked at Unibrow pretty good. But picture it this way.

If you're a guy... Oh, sorry. If you're a guy, who do you want to fill with Conmore? No, come on. That's not the debate. That's not how you and I established this. It wasn't... We weren't sitting on the couch going, who does Tom want to fill with Conmore?

So I'm a hired corpora now. That's not how this debate started, babe. What is wrong with you? That's a better way of putting it in our listeners' terms. For our male listeners. There's girls who listen. I know. So for the girls, it's who's, like, slop juice would you want on your finger?

Oh, God. If you had to finger bang, who would you want to finger bang harder and more? Babe. What's a Spanish food? Who's chorizo would you want to live? There you go. That's Mexican, though. What's a Spanish?

I don't even know what it is. Tapas? Tapas are Spanish, yeah. Tapas. I like Penelope Cruz. She's more complicated and heavier barred them in her. They're all fantastic. Let's have the vote.

It's a very important debate, you guys. It's wildly important. Whose team are you on? Penelope or Salma? Where do you want to come? So, speaking of come, you now got to hear what I got to hear. Did you not? I did.

What happened? Well, first of all, let me point out that as we're doing this podcast, our neighbor is next door and I can hear her talking to somebody. Super loud, dude. Super fucking loud. Fucking camp. So loud. So, since our last podcast, I have heard her bad.

You've heard it a lot. She's really full, her mouth is so full right there. Fucking hot, baby. You're choking in your mouth when you suck that dick. Oh my god. So, I told everybody about you were gone and then I got to hear this shit for an hour. You have been home twice now. Twice.

So, you were out and it was like two in the morning. Can you turn down a little bit? I can't look at you and do this. It was two in the morning and I heard it and it's only in rules of threes with her. Yeah. Yeah. And then quiet and then. Yeah.

And then again, last night at 5.50 a.m. That's a real early fucking ride for this, man. I mean, I get the midnight one, two thing. Yeah. The 5.50, 6 a.m. is like, Jesus, man. Well, I'm thinking. You're doing it for the sunrise because her partner is like, I got to go. I think somebody she's seeing post-divorce, she's divorced.

Yeah. Now she's getting her groove back and this guy maybe is like a city worker. Yeah. Maybe he's a garbage man. Is he wearing orange jumpsuit? I know those turn you on. I don't know, but maybe he delivers newspapers or something. Jesus, Tom.

All right. So how was the 5.50 a.m. one? That was this morning. That was this morning. Oh, yeah, you're right. You said, did you hear it? I didn't hear it. Babe, do you know that I got a tweet from a kid who was listening to our podcast on

his earphones? Yeah. And he's like, I was in class. Thanks for giving me the heads up that there was pornography. My whole class looked over at me like, what are you listening to, asshole? He had so great. Oh, man. So last night it was just, she does it in threes, I'm telling you.

Yeah. It's just like. Yeah. And then. So, but now you know, I wasn't making that shit up. Oh, wow. And she's very audible. She goes.

Here she goes. She's so active. Good for her, you know, and she probably hears us when we rock the Casbah. Yeah. She hears it. Because we do. We do a lot. Okay.

I got it so menacing. So a lot of people have been asking us. Please. What? I cannot do this podcast with this under. It's in my ears. I can hear this more than getting murdered. It sounds like she's getting killed.

It doesn't sound that consensual, babe. Open wide. Open wide. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Don't move. Don't move.

Don't move. Don't move. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I want it in your mouth. I want it in your mouth. I want it in your mouth.

He's really adamant. She's very aggressive. Yes. Yes. Don't know if it's necessary. He has to come in her mouth. Is it in her mouth? Okay.

There you go. There you go. Swallow. Oh, Jesus. You got to swallow it. All right. Now, who do you want to do that to? Penelope Cruz?

Or somebody. Babe, what if you insisted that I swallowed every single one of your loads? Not a problem. This marriage would not survive. Not a problem. Wait, what did you ask me the other day? Was it this morning? You're like, babe, if I wanted you.

Oh, you asked me if I would grow my toenails out. Oh, yeah. I said, what if I was like, you need, I want you to have 15 inch toenails. You were like, no, I couldn't do it. But you did say you would like accommodate where you'd grow them kind of long. It's so weird. You said you would do that. That's really sweet of you that you would do that for me.

Thank you. No. Thank you. I love you. I love you. I'm not asking you to do that. Okay. Would you grow your toenails out for me?

If you really needed that. Yeah. I guess I would a little bit. Yeah. If I was like, I, in order to have an organism, I have to have your toes an inch long. The toenails have to be long. And scratching against you. And they have to scrape up against you.

Yeah. You got to, well, they pretty much do right now. They do not. Oh my God. Sometimes in bed, he tries to put his feet on my feet. And like, it, the scratch is so hard. It's like they, my feet bleed at night. It's like, and then there's blood all over the sheets.

Yo. Ugh. He's sounding like American Idol, like Randy. Yo. Dog. Dog. You hit this kind of pitchy dog. It's kind of pitchy.

You kind of up and down, but dog does a great performance. Dog. I'm saying you're going to win this. There's some high notes. You got to hit them notes, dog. Yo. What you got? Go to your mom's house podcast.com and support the podcast.

Okay. Here's a couple of ways. There's a couple of ways you can do it. I just want to tell you real quick. Okay. Before we get to the good stuff. Cause we got to wrap this shit up. Something's really coming right now for you guys.

Something's about to come. We're about to drop that hammer on you. Yeah. Um, but there's a couple of ways you can do it. If you shop Amazon, there's an Amazon link at the. Banner. There's a banner. On our homepage.

Yeah. If you go to the banner, you just click on it and you shop there. We get a little something for your Amazon dollars spent. So it's real simple. Just go to your mom's house podcast.com. Click on the banner and do your Amazon shopping through that. Yeah. If you're going to go to Amazon.com.

Just do it through our thing. Go through us and that way the mommies get a little, a little fun too. Uh, if you want to support the show, you can donate. There's a donate thing. If you want to support it and where you feel like you, you're helping us out, but you want something tangible in return, get a super mommy pack. Some of you have done it. Don't you love it?

What do you get with the super mommy pack? What don't you get? You get my album. You get Christina's album. You get a glamour shot from Sears that I took of myself. That's like the super bonus of it. Yeah. You get the pilot episode of Cut Man that I did with Ryan Sickler.

You get it all. And you get it all. And not only that, your mommies autograph and they write a special message for you. Special message to you. Everybody gets their own personal message. Geez. Come on. What more do you want, mommy?

Okay. Thank you. My pants are so tight right now. You can get aware of the dudes at T-shirt. Boo-boo. Yeah. Remember my shit today? Oh, my God.

Oh, by the way, before you get to that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody seems to be on board, but we get a few people every week who are going, what's up with the brown talk?

Stop talking about poo, you guys. It's making me sick. Look, we've been on for an hour and 15 minutes. Yeah. How much brown have we discussed? 1.0. Has there been any brown discussed? I don't recall any.

Well. If there has been, it's been momentarily. We've done puke. We've done jizz. Yeah. So? That's not shit though. It's not shit.

It's not the same. It's not the same. Right now. It's about to change. Well, I just want to tell the listeners one quick story. Yeah. So Tommy and I had lunch today. We walked down the street to our local cafe that we always eat at and we were walking home

and I felt a real tug. Yeah. Like, oh my God, I got a shit. And I haven't had this kind of a tug since we came home from Mexico. I honestly haven't seen you like this. No, remember in Mexico, we were on the freeway on the way home and I was like, I got a shit. Holy fuck, I got a shit. I got a go.

You got a hurry. Remember I made you speed home? I think, and the funny thing was is that we ate somewhere that is a five minute walk. Yeah. Yeah. And it didn't hit you until we were literally three minutes from the place. Oh my God. In other words, it was far enough from the place where it didn't make sense to turn back.

Right. But we still had two minutes, maybe two and a half minutes or whatever to go. Yeah, but two and a half minutes. Right. No, I'm saying but it was the worst time where it could have hit you. Right. Because it's that your body knows, sometimes your body knows when to shut it down for you. Yeah.

When you go on stage, your body goes, no, no, no, I'm going to hold on to this diarrhea for you. We'll do it. Yeah. Fight off a cold, everything. Right. The problem is, is my body was like, it knew that it was so close to the toilet to victory. Yeah.

That it was like, oh my God. So I fucking, I bolted as fast as I could up our driveway. I've never, you, when you were like, oh my God, oh my God. We walked by a 7-Eleven. I was like, you want to go in there? And you were like, no, I'm not shitting in 7-Eleven. Because there's no toilets at 7-Eleven. So I know, then you go, I think maybe, I think maybe it's gone.

I think maybe it pulled back. Maybe it's gone. And I know that feeling too. So I was like, oh, good for you. Like it's gone. And then when we walked like another 10 feet and you were like, oh no. Oh my God. It's all systems go.

I got in the car and left. Yeah. Defcon 10. What happens? You get home? So you get, so I, I fucking somehow I walk up the stairs to our door and I am fully clenched. I mean, I have never had to physically clench my anus like I did today. Yeah.

And I got the keys. We have like four locks to get in your house. So I was like, oh my God, like frantically, like frantically holding onto my anus. Just one false move. Yeah. I would have shit my pants. If I tripped, I would have shit everywhere. Yeah.

So I fucking left the keys in the door. Jesus. And I ran to the bathroom and I barely made it. And you said, you let the keys, the doors open. The wide open, the fucking keys are in the door. And you just run in. Oh, I don't care if someone comes in and robs me. Sit down.

Yeah. And then it's just. Boops it. No noise. Nothing. It wasn't even like that. Do you want to have something crazy? It was, there was no sound.

It was all a solid shit. It was so much poo inside of me that I had to get out. Oh, shotgun Kelly. You know, it's awful. A listener sent us that. Matt from Connecticut sent us his shit. Yeah. Oh, Matt, thank you.

That sounded so good. That was strong, Matt. That was a real one. Yeah. I didn't even make that sound. Yeah. That's the thing you said. There was no noise.

It was a silent, a careless whisper. And it just slid right out because it was ready to go. And I couldn't, I was, I called my dad afterwards just to talk about it more. Yeah. Because I called you and then, you know, when you, you're so proud of yourself. I got to tell the world. I called my dad and he was like, that's great. Good for you.

He's like, I haven't had the shit like that in a while. Isn't that great? And he's like, feels good to shit. Feels good to take a piss. Isn't that awesome? Yeah. Dad's grown man. No.

And that brings us to what you've all been at. You guys have hit us up so much. You're asking for more top dog. Everybody's like, let's get more top dog. We love top dog. So from us to you, here's a little happy early Christmas. A little top dog segment. I haven't had any butthole itch for a month.

You need to wipe down. You need to wipe down. You need to wipe down. You need to wipe down. All right. So that's how you know it's time for top dog. And here's what I did. I called top dog a couple of weeks ago.

It was, it was about to do a show. I just wanted to shoot the shit with him and you know, see what's on his mind. And yeah, so what, what did I just do? Okay. So here's a, here's a little, little segment of me and top dog on the phone. I hope you understand it. And also you have one of those days where you just fart all day and you just can't. Okay.

So let me set this up real quick. I used this phone recording thing and for some reason, even though the recorder was on my end, it's like an app for the iPhone. He comes in clearly and I sound a little muffled. I just want to put that out there and let you know that if that is going to bother you, I want you to know that you can go fuck yourself. Go ahead and cry into your diaper baby. I don't care.

And that's, I just want you to let you know that. And I also wanted you to know that scum pussies later on. I found out there's like a higher, you know, version, audio version that I can use. So the next one will hopefully I won't sound this muffled. I started this off by asking my dad, do you ever have one of those days where you just fart a lot? And also you have one of those days where you just fart all day and you just can't. Yes.

Yes. I've had days like that. Don't you love how sincere he is? He's so sincere. Yes. He's like, I have had days like that, buddy. I do know that. Yeah.

Oh, I had, you know, I had one and, you know, I had. You turned that down? You turned it on the background? Yeah. This is my life, by the way, with my father. Every phone call, every time I ever, or even if he calls me, there's a full volume television in the background and I go, can you please turn that down every time? What's he watching?

American Idol. It's always whatever. It's news. It's a game. He's like, oh yeah, hold on a second, buddy. Yeah. I went to John the other day and I had like three false alarms. I thought I was going to do, you know, do a dump and what I had was these big kind of

like gas bombs. Yeah. He went to John's. To the John. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing came out.

Kind of relieving but disappointing at the same time, right? Yeah. You know, as much as I enjoy taking a shit, which I really do. You know, it's in my age, it's almost like a sexual experience. And then you have, oh shoot. Well, you know. That was him expressing, oh shoot is the expressing disappointment. That he didn't take a shit.

I didn't realize it right then actually in conversation. I thought he was saying, oh shoot in the moment. Right. About something that just happened. Yeah, me too. No, he was actually saying like, you know, when you go to take a shit and nothing comes out, you go, oh shoot. I think he's right about that old guy thing.

That's what my father was saying. Yeah. You got to take a good shit. You got to take a piss. It's wonderful. I'm like, all right. Yeah. Guys fucking really.

Yeah. Because you know what? I think the older you get, you realize some of the best things are the simple things that we all do. Yeah. Cleaning your ears out. Oh, that feels so good. Right.

Getting a dry bug. I love it. Dragging it out, flicking it. You're just thankful to be able to take a shit. Yeah. And a shit is such a relief. And you're like, oh man. You're a bastard.

And then you have, you go, oh shoot. So you use this. Well, you know, and then you come back and all of a sudden you feel that urge again. And you know, and you head down the hall and you, and then of course you're hoping nobody's in the other stall there, but I had a, I had did the day I had like three false alarms. I hate that. I, um, I, you know, I had, I couldn't, I hate shitting on a plane. I had to sit on a plane today.

Oh, I hate shitting on planes. He's, he's really on board with this idea too. I love it. I love it. I do. I don't know what it is. It's the confinement. Yeah.

The confinement. And they really don't have very good. Let's face it. The toilet paper on planes is not really, it's not, it's not big league stuff. Yeah. You know, you almost feel like making your, your own role in your carryout luggage and going up in there and using some of that good shaman. He's got a point.

He's got a real good point, man. And I, and I would not be, I hope you guys start bringing that good shaman as my dad says on flights with you, pull that out, pull out that role and be like, I'm going to take a shit. And you can. They'll let you know. Nobody can tell you no, what they'll, what will happen is some people will see you leaving the bathroom and they'll be like, did you just take that toilet paper out of the bathroom

and you'll be like, no, this is my own. I brought this. It's like, it's like when we bring, I just farted. It's like when we bring Tapatio to the taco stand and then the other patrons are like, can I borrow your Tapatio? I'm like, fuck no. No, you cannot. I brought this shit from home, bitch.

Fuck yourself. Fuck your mother. I like that. It is confining it. I've shit on a plane only once, once. Oh really? I've done it a few times. Oh, it's so uncomfortable.

Believe me, I only do it when there's no other option. The worst is, I'll tell you the worst planes you shit on are regional jets. The tiny ones? Oh, I did Salt Lake to Denver. It's an hour flight. So it's like, I can hold this an hour, right? And then you get the realization, no, you can't. It's one of those doors that barely shuts and like you pull your legs.

The accordion door? Oh, it's the worst. That's the lock. And then your knee hits the door and you're like, fuck, I can barely fit in this thing. Yep. All right. More top talk. He's so good.

Dick Charmin. Well, I like the double ply Charmin. Yeah. You know, because your fingers don't go through it like the camera with a single ply. Yeah. You know, so this way. Yeah, your finger doesn't go through the paper you're talking about. On the double ply, no, no.

It's, you know, so you don't have to worry about it. This way, if you forget you wash your hands, you really don't have to worry about it. If you don't. If you get the single ply, you really, you know, you really kind of have to wash your hands. That's such a time waster, right? He's really opposed to washing your hands. Do you hate washing your hands after you take a sip?

Well, I wash my hands if other people are in the restroom because I want to think I'm, you know, civilized. Yeah. A lot of times I don't. I'm in a hurry. If I'm in a hurry, I don't. I did today, I think, but not every time. What happened today when you were, you said you went over there today or yesterday?

You went to Mac? It was yesterday. It was yesterday. I don't know what, if I ate something, but I was, you know, I was really gassy yesterday. Right. But what happened? Tell me the story. Well, you know, I'm sitting there all of a sudden I feel that I heard, so I head down

and go in there, you know, drop my jars and waiting for something and all of a sudden I thought you said that the bathroom was, the door was locked. You had to go use another one. That was, that was two days ago. This is my favorite part is that he's got so many shit stories that he had told me one and then he's actually told me another one and I have to actually put him back on track. Blending together. Yeah.

I'm like, I thought you said he goes, oh, that was two days ago. And there was a different story. Look at you. Shit detective. Yeah. Getting your facts straight. Oh, that was terrible. So I'm downstairs and running behind schedule in the morning.

And so all of a sudden I'm getting out of the car. I feel the urge. I got to take it down. I'm at my office, but I'm outside my office in the parking lot. Okay. Make a limit. Yeah. Gotta go.

I'm gonna make a beeline for the downstairs bathroom and somebody's. It's a one staller, you know, handicapped of course, stall and somebody's in there. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. You panic? Well, I'm sitting there, squeezing my cheeks. Okay. And I turn around and I have to take the elevator. I can't walk up the stairs to the second floor because I'm afraid it might blast out. So I have to. I'm waiting for the elevator.

Isn't this amazing that it's like your story of today? Yes. It's like Top Dog and I are soulmates. And the thing is you didn't hear this. No. The listeners don't know. No. She had never heard this.

This is my first time hearing this audio. Yeah. I had no idea that Top Dog... No idea to send the content or anything. We're leading parallel lives right now. Absolutely. See, the thing is when the people that complain about brown, let me tell you something. Brown is universal.

It is. Everybody browns. Everybody browns. I can't believe Top Dog has to clench his cheeks. Do you think you fit? Because I pictured him physically using his hands to mash his cheek shut. I've seen him. He waddles.

He waddles like a penguin. He's like, oh, oh, oh. I got to go. I got to go. Yeah. That's what I do too. Oh, man. Okay.

It might blast out. So I have to... I'm getting in the... Waiting for the elevator. Squeezing my cheeks. Right. And then the elevator comes. I open up the...

You know, go to the upstairs bathroom, which is a two-staller. Okay. And I am squeezing as hard as I can. But then you got to turn around and do your belt. And then you got the... You know, when you wear a suit pants, you got that other button in there. And I can feel it start to come out. Really?

It was coming out? Yeah. And so I got those pants down, sat on there and just bombs away. Okay. Oh, my God. And then I get out my toilet paper. You know how you take the first wipe just to see how much is there? Totally.

Oh, God. This is going to be like a whole roll up to all the paper. So it was a mess. Ah, the mess. So I'm sitting there. I'm just not... I mean, I'm on my fourth wipe. And I still got a long way to go.

So then I stood up and I went out to the bathroom there. And because I got my underwear down around my ankles. And I grabbed a couple... So you walked to the sink like that? Yeah. Yeah. You understand what he did? Oh, my God.

You know what he did? In a public restroom? Yeah. He went from the stall with his pants and his underwear down by his ankles, walked out to the sink to wet some paper. Yeah. So somebody... Anybody could have walked in.

It was a two-stall bathroom. And seeing my dad digging balls out, underwear around his ankles just being like, I'm just wetting some paper. I got a white... Got a real messy one here. But for some reason, if you walked in on Top Dog doing that, you'd be like, all right, man. Now you'd get it.

And he'd be like, yeah. Yeah, he's like... You gotta do that. Real messy in here. Yeah. Totally. Because I needed to. I hadn't finished cleaning.

So I got a couple of those towels and all those paper towels and I wetted them up. And then I cleaned off. And then, of course, you want to make sure you had black underwear on. This is crazy. You don't know if whether you got any. This is so crazy. I'm just preparing you if you're like of, you know, an uneasy stomach, if you can't handle extremes, real shit, real talk.

Real brown talk. You might want to tune out with what he's about to say. You know, stuff on your underwear. Yeah. So I kind of bent over and sniffed my underwear and it was clean, so it was good to go. Oh. Did you get your underwear? Sure.

I'm not sure if I got any. I couldn't tell because it was black underwear on. Oh, my God. Usually it was white underwear. You can see what he got on it. Oh. How often do you do that? How often do you throw your underwear?

Well, depends. You know. Yeah. I mean, sometimes I forget which underwear. Because, you know, a lot of my underwear I just throw on the floor of the house. Yeah. So, you know, sometimes, I mean, I don't really do that very much. I really don't do that very much because I had black, you know, black underwear.

You can tell with white underwear whether you got any, you know, sunset in the van. You see that brown. Yeah. But you can't. This is a trouble with black underwear. Yeah. So, you know. This was a big load that you let off so it sounds like, oh, yeah, it was.

It was. It was breakfast. What would have happened? What would have happened, let's say you had gone to the second bathroom and the door was locked. What would have happened then? It could have been. It could have been ugly.

Do you want to see your pants? Oh. I think I don't think I could have held it. I think it would have been. Yeah. It could have actually happened in the Orlando airport once. Do you see your pants? A little bit, yeah.

Yeah. That actually happened in the Orlando airport. Hey, you said it like a war story. Yeah. I love it. Like in Hanoi. He was like, yeah, that actually has happened one time before. The Orlando airport.

And I go, you see your panty goes a little bit, yeah. Does your mom do his laundry? Yeah. Dude, she has to see the sea. She sees a lot of brown and yellow for sure. Dude, that's so fucked up. I wonder if she probably buys from the black ones because she's like, I cannot look at your white.

Hey, you're brown, young. Yeah. I think it would have been, yeah. It could have actually happened in the Orlando airport once. Do you see your pants? A little bit, yeah. Then I had to get on the airplane. You know, I had to.

Where did you see your pants? Well, in the Orlando airport. And so what I had to do, I had to take, well, I mean, I was, you know, just had to go or I couldn't get there in time. I said a little bit. So what I had to do in the end is stall. This is true. I mean, I had to take my underwear off to clean up and I had to put, you know, so I had to

fly with no underwear. Oh my God. That's the answer. Oh, I did. I had a little bit of a stain in my khaki black, but I had no, I could, you know, I checked my luggage. So, you know, I was thinking, I was thinking the poor person that sat in my, in my seat after I sat in it, you know, had no idea what they were in for.

Oh, my God. I think I'll save the next story for our next episode. Please. I think that was a lot of brown talk. We managed to go an hour, 15 without any. And then you got a bunch of brown there. So that was great. If the brown really bothers you.

Sorry about that. You know what? They call Tommy, your dad calls you the king of all dumps, king of the dumps. Yeah. And the first time I ever came home with you to Vera Beach to Florida. And I remember your dad was so proud of you about what a good shitter you were. Yeah. And I remember thinking, wow, this is the guy I'm probably going to marry.

You think so, really? You and I are kindred spirits. You really thought so? Yeah, just because I like that you guys, because in my family, pooping is a huge. It's a big, funny thing, too. Yeah, it's just it's part of life. It's part of love. It's part of it all.

You know, I mean, what's the what? What's the drama? Yeah, let's just fucking have it out. Let's, you know, that was really funny, babe. I'm glad you did that. He is something else. It's time. But I like this one.

All right. You know what I mean? Would you rather? All right. It's called scouting. Who doesn't love scouting? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. OK.

Ready for the first one? Yeah. OK. Would you rather have sex with someone where every time you have sex, it ends up injuring you? You either get your vagina torn, you get a vaginal tear, or if you're a man, your boner bends and there's a medical situation. You know what I mean?

Like you get a probably. Vagina tears every time we do it. Or the other option is no sex, no masturbating. Oh, but here's the upside to the to the the hard sex. Every seventh time you get to orgasm. Oh, well, I think I would take a life of pain and injury over a life of no sex. That's the that's the dilemma. I feel like I get injured a lot with you already.

Oh, stop it. My anal tearing, anal bleeding. Yeah. Vaginal tear. What would you do that? The crying. See, I think it might even be worse for the man because think about it, guys. That's very worse.

Yeah. Think about it. OK. Six months every time you have sex, you get the boner break. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I've seen him before. You've seen it on a video. I think what's that guy?

What's that? He was with Heather Locklear. Tommy Tommy Lee broke his boner ones. He was on the Howard Stern show, I think. They had a video of that. No, I'm sorry. Not a video. But I heard him on the radio talking about it.

I'm pretty sure he did. You have to go to the hospital. I know. I'm talking about like it's like if you have a if you have a full raging heart on and it were to like. Then slam it wrong. Yeah, you could bend it. You know, it's not a real break, obviously, because it's not a bone,

but you could rupture a ton of blood vessels. It hurts like hell, I heard. Yeah, you'd have to go to the emergency room. If anyone actually has had that happen to them, please. Tell us about it. Emails. But would you rather? I think as a guy, I might opt for no sex or orgasming for six months.

Because it's so painful. Because if you know every time that you're going to have sex, that's going to happen. Think about, you have to really think about it. What I'm saying, if you take the sex option, you get a vaginal tearing every time. But I feel like I've had a vaginal. Is it something worse than what I've already? Yes.

A real vaginal tearing require can retire stitches. You're going to the hospital every time you have sex. Oh, I see, I didn't think I'd have to go to the hospital every time. No, no, this is like real injury. No, I still take it. Look at you, you nympho. Oh, please. Look at you, you're insatiable.

Yeah, what? I mean, because that's such a part of human life. Yeah. You weird nonce. It's only six months. Jesus. Six months? That's the scenario.

Six months. Oh, I thought it was a lifetime. No, no, six months. Oh, yeah, well, fuck that. Oh, well, look at you now. Sorry, I didn't hear the six months part. Yeah, man. I was stuck on the other bits.

Yes, because you're so focused on it. Yeah, six months. Who cares? Yeah. All right. All right. Here's one I really like from our listener, Shane. Would you rather live in Belgium or Portugal?

I really like that a lot. I do too. It's silly. That is silly and so simple. Well, here's the thing. I've been to Belgium. Yeah. Snooze Fest.

Really? It's the most pretty. It's the most boring place on the planet. Great waffles. I ate my weight in waffles. Yeah. Mussels and fries, amazing food. Yeah.

Boring as fuck. Portugal's spicy. I've never been there. Have you been to Portugal? I have not. But they have spicy people. You like those spicy people? I like Latins.

I'm going to go with Portugal. Yeah. Because Brussels was like white and boring and no flavors. Yeah. What would you take? I think I'm going to go. I've never been there either. But I think just knowing what I like and what I'm into,

I think I would like Portugal. Yeah, right? I think I would. But this is not to slam Belgium. I want to check out Belgium. I've never been there. If anything, I want to go and just eat my weight in waffles too. The food's amazing.

I'm sure it is. And the buildings are beautiful. But I had a boring time there. OK. Hey, that was just honest. A real talk. Real, real talk there. Nothing I can lie about it.

I can't get upset with somebody for just telling you about their experience, you know? It was pretty, though. It's beautiful, right? Just fucking, I don't know. It seemed very, they're just boring. All right. It's fair enough.

Oh, I wanted to make up to the guy somebody wrote in last week. It was a great would you rather. And it was a would you rather ride a horse for 24 hours? Or be in multiple 15 mile an hour car accidents. Right, right. And which is a great would you rather. And I realized that I gave like zero explanation. I was like, I'll tell you the thing.

I would choose, I hate horses, but I would choose the horse in that scenario. And the reason is I could not deal with multiple the impact, the head shaking, the trauma of even a slow impact car accident over and over and over. I would lose my mind if every 15 minutes or every hour where that was happening, I would fucking want to blow my brains out.

So as much as I hate a horse, I hate that shit more. And that's why that's a good would you rather. Yeah, you get headaches and stuff from the car. A 15 mile car accident will be, it's uncomfortable. It's bothersome. It could nauseate you. It could give you a headache. It's not going to kill you or like seriously injure you,

but it's going to be really disturbing. Really going to piss you off. I know, but I hate horses so much. My hatred of horses is unparalleled, but I don't feel like I could deal with multiple over and over this car accident. I think I would fucking lose my mind. How long is it for again?

What's the time? The car accident, I don't know. It's like hours, but the fucking horseback riding is 24 hours. It's a day of horseback riding. I know, but I hate the horses and I hate the way they smell and I'm not good at riding. Whatever you want.

It's up to you. It's your own. I'm going to go with the car crash. I can't. Crazy. She's crazy, everybody. Well, I can't. Okay.

I hate the horses. Okay. I hate the horses like I hate Belgium. Just kidding. I don't hate Belgium. I hate horses though. Fuck a horse. All right, man.

I just, I'm not good at them. I don't like, I don't trust them. They don't trust me. They smell. Just a couple more guys. Here we go. Here you go. Would you rather sit down and have three meals a day

complete with all the trimmings for a week with the Manson family or the Kardashian family? I love that. That's from the stew in Wales. I love it. I love it. That's great. And I am sold on the Mansons.

I was going to say. I would sit down with the Mansons because it's going to be weird. Yeah. I don't think they're going to kill me. I don't think I'm going to die. But there's going to be, there's going to be way more interesting conversations.

Absolutely. Like white power shit. Or like. Were they racist, the Mansons? Yeah. Charles Manson is what we're talking about. Yeah. I just thought they hated pigs.

Oh, that swatts the con. His forehead didn't give anything away. I think, I thought that was just a declaration of like his hate for humanity. He hates black people too. Oh, specifically? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah. I had lunch once in the Manson murder house. Yeah, you did. A producer, the guy that created Full House bought the C.L.O. drive house that the Manson murders took place in and he like rebuilt it and we had lunch there. It was the creepiest day of my life.

Oh, the Sharon Tate house, right? Sorry, Sharon Tate murder house. Yeah. And he had a butler serve us lunch and everything. It was so gross. But I'm gonna go with the Mansons as well because they're way creepier and interesting. The Kardashians are a big bag of fucking zero

talent and zero interesting. I mean, Charles. I can't even watch their fucking dumb show now. I don't care about them. Oh my God, that would be the worst thing ever would be to sit through. I think I'm so stupid. What do you want?

Look at him. Oh, it's Manson. For what? You people have done everything in the world to me. Doesn't that give me equal, right? Pass the potatoes, please. I can do anything I want to you people at any time I want to.

Because that's what you've done to me. I'd love to. If you spit in my face and smack me in the mouth and throw me in solitary confinement for nothing, what do you think's gonna happen when I get out of here? This is excellent gravy, Mrs. Manson. I wouldn't do anything that I felt guilty about. Right, right.

You don't feel guilty at all. This is not even rare. You feel guilty. I haven't done anything I'm ashamed of. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I still haven't done enough. I might be ashamed of that for not doing enough. There you go.

For not giving enough. He was gonna watch a strange addiction. For not being more perceptive, for not being aware enough. He's fucking anus. How much better is that than the Kardashians? Any date. In fact, they should give Charlie Manson a reality show

and I would watch him a hundred times more than I would watch. Is the show called I'm freaking the fuck out, man. I'm crazy and shit. I haven't done enough. I like. That's crazy. You guys are really trouble.

That's real crazy. That was excellent. But still more interesting than Kardashians. Yeah, thanks too. Okay, here we go. This one is very appropriate. This is coming from our friend, see Billy.

All right. Oh, Billy. Billy writes. He sent us a dental update photo that's on our website too, by the way. Is that the same Billy? I'm pretty sure he's missing a tooth. Yeah.

Would you rather wipe with 409 cleaning wipes? Yeah. Or put a booger on an elevator button every time you enter. Oof. It's such a, that's a hard guy. I think that's one or, is that one or a hundred though? Cause I think, I'm telling you right now, I try the 409 cleaning wipes.

Would you try that? I can't say that. No, my ass feels sensitive. I pick my nose a lot. I'm a professional. I would do the nose picking and on the thing, on the elevator. Disgusting.

Yeah, fuck it. You know, you only left once, you gotta enjoy it. All right, here's the last one of the day. Would you rather sit your parents down and say, look what I can do and fist yourself. Oh, my God. Or, you have to seduce someone who physically repulses you.

Sleep with them. Fit. That repulses me physically? Physically repulses you, you have to seduce them and sleep with them. That's a really good one. Or just fist yourself in front of your parents. Oh, for fuck's sake.

That's a good one. And that's, I don't know where to begin. It's a tough one, right? It makes it good. I don't know if I could have sex with somebody that repulsed. Like they make you gag. Like, who could we think of?

Like Beetlejuice? Yeah, like Beetlejuice, sure. Or whatever, the homeless guy sits in front of Trader Joe's. I think I would fist myself in front of my parents. And you have to keep saying, look what I can do. That's fine. My dad would just be like, ah, come on.

What are you doing? He wouldn't look. You just said I think I would fist myself. Yeah, cause my parents wouldn't look. They would just turn their heads and be like, what is wrong? You gotta keep saying, look what I can do. That's fine.

They're not gonna look. You don't know that. They're not forced to look. That's not part of the thing. They're not forced to look, you're right. Well, what would you do? You know, I could go up until the fisting and I could laugh and amuse myself with that.

I don't think I could actually do the act of fisting myself. In your asshole, oh. With my, especially with my parents. Me being like, look what I can do. I think that I would have to tap out. So, yeah, I would seduce the physically repulsive person. Well, guys do that all the time. Right, I've slept with some pigs, so I would just.

Great. You know? Yeah, guys do that every Saturday. It's not, yeah. Yeah, what the fuck? I think about that. I mean, I can't. It's hard, it's not easy.

I'm saying physically repulsive, it's hard. I'm not saying somebody who's, I find substandard. This is, the scenario is I am disgusted by this person. But I still think that's easier on the mind. Guys can do that. Guys don't give a shit. All right. Wow.

Okay, guys, that was so much fun. I really had a. The Mansons, man. That was a lot of fucking fun. He's in prison for life, man. He's never getting out, right? Charles Manson. Oh no, no, no, no.

What a demon. Oh, mommies. Is that it? Is that all we're doing? That's it, man, that's it. That was fun. That was a good time. Yeah, it was fun.

I hope our neighbor doesn't fuck too loudly tonight. Yeah, I hope so. I hope so too, man. Yeah, I farted a lot. I farted this whole time. I've been farting. Some of them have been quieter. Some of them have been, you know, stinky,

but you just haven't heard them. So. Well, hopefully I will after this. After we're done, we'll go sit on our couch and watch some TV. What do you feel like watching? We're just gonna mommy out. By the way, we're also going to,

we're going to do another mom cast. Oh yeah, we'll get you two this week. Yeah, we'll get you two this week. We're not gonna pull out on our promise. So, you know the place, same mommy time, same mommy time. Represent West Coast. Yeah, mommies. Thank you for listening.

We love you, mommies. We love you very much. Be the mommy. Be her. Pull those jeans. Pull your jeans up, super high. All the way up. Throw up that W.

We'll see you soon. Bye, mommy! On the rod and spree, a straight G. Hop back as I pop my top, your trip. I let the hollow waist come mixed up. Pop, pop, pop, yeah. Cause if it don't stop, I have to put my shit in reverse.

Go back and take another spot. Cause I'm rolling in my six folk. With all the niggas saying, I'm down to the chair, stop and let me ride. Hell yeah. I'm down to the chair, stop and let me ride. With all the niggas saying, I'm down to the chair, stop and let me ride.