Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Classic Jeans 63-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 26, 2014

Oh meowmy, does she miss us? Our vacation is almost over, but we didn't forget about you. Here's one more classic pair of jeans for you and you guessed it, it's amazing.  Once again, this episode features Top Dog and BROWN and it's epic. We hope you took care of your teeth while we were gone. We're going to check each of your toothbrushes to make sure of it, Theo.

All right, this is like an all-time... How are you enjoying our trip to memory lane so far? It's crazy. I really, I forgot how awesome these are. Me too. I cannot believe the gold that's in these episodes. And this episode, number 63, probably one of my top favorite of all time, your mom's house. Yeah, I mean, this has, I just can't believe how jam-packed this is with like historical content. Yeah. This is the archive. I mean, like the, in the future when they're doing research on these shows,

they're going to be like, this is one of the... The seminal. Yeah. The seminal. This is gospel. Yeah. This is the first five books. Top Dog gives out his insight for getting chicks. Did you know that Top Dog dated at one point in his life?

He's going to talk about it. I didn't know he had seven bank accounts. Yeah. And he also discusses his cruise methods. We're on a cruise with him right now. Right now. He's discussing that. And I'm just going to say two words, Clorox wipes, and we'll let him fill in the rest.

Let him do what he does best, the Clorox wipes. Enjoy this, you guys. I didn't know we did. Re-listening to this was, I had a hard time. I was crying. Crying. Crying is right. Yeah.

Top Dog is definitely, he's one of a kind. There's nothing, there's nothing like Top Dog, man. And he really, he drops the science on us on this one. What else? Is there anything else there? I'm sure there is. I just got overwhelmed by that. Let's see.

It says here, oh, you're the man now, dog. We started playing with that audio, which is really funny. I don't want to just give away too much more. Speaking of that's deep, bro. I'm dropping the next episode on this Monday, 922, which is a 22nd. Why don't I say it like that? September 22nd. Well, this is out after that.

No, it's not. Yeah, it is. Oh, shit. Yeah. I'm sorry. When we time travel, I'm all time traveled. You're telling me. I mean, I'm on episode number 63 right now, guys.

My jeans are all twisted. Well, listen, it's already up. That's actually good. You're plugging in the tennis. It's better to play something that's already up. It's already up. It's up on iTunes. It's up on Stitcher and the RSS feed.

I upload directly so you guys have three options. Let me know what other platforms you do want to hear the show on. This episode that I discussed pornography with a mystery guest. Oh, Jesus, which is this is probably my favorite. One of my favorite episodes of that's deep row so far. Awesome. So peep it out, guys. That's deeprowpodcast.com.

The Amazon banner is also on that, but it goes directly to your mom's house. Please go do it. Are you still talking about sex from last week? Yeah. What do you say, though? Can you show me? Oh boy. No.

Oh boy, would you say I'm a beehive? Thank you. Yeah. Are you hungry or? No, you have full tits. Thank you. They're stuffed. Now are you turned on?

I don't know. You let a pretty big fart out this morning. Oh, you had a double fart and you went, ah. That's because I learned that from you. I was copying you. All right. Here we go. We got to go.

All right. Bam. You have to push buttons. Did you push the button? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. We're good. All right.

Cool. Get your jeans. Pull them up. You ready to party? Put them up in my bottle. Let's do this, man. Let's do it. Let me smack that mother fucker.

Guy, get up. Ryan, you black bitch. Why are you doing this shit? Fuck you. Before that, bitch. Fuck. Fuck this shit. My god.

Fuck it. You suck this big-ass mother fucking. Sorry. Black mother fuckers. My god. Damn. They better get down. Three around here.

Fuck those. Okay. Let's go to father. Fuck that driving shit. Give me that. Fuck. Oh my god. This shit is big-ass.

Who is Ryan? Don't bring anyone loving for this. No mom in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Pajitzi.

Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Is that the same guy that shouts in our intro? No. This shit is big-ass. That's the best part is it is a different guy. It's a different. But it's the same angry black sentiment.

It's so scary when black people get angry. Do you want to revisit it? Who is that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell, what is this? I don't even know what's happening. I know. I don't understand why.

What's he yelling for? He's very upset that the people in the video game that he's playing are not performing up to his standards. It's like one of those games where you're playing with other people in different parts of the world. No, he's just playing a basketball game and he's just playing against like his son. And the players just aren't playing like he's shooting in the game and then they're not making baskets. It's a problem. He needs to really talk about it. Well, let's let him talk about it.

He's so mad. He's so upset. I don't blame him though. Like I get this mad. Oh, video games. You know what I used to do when I came, when I had that, the graveyard shift, remember? Yeah, when we first started dating. My life changed.

Yeah. When you were not journal. I would come home and the way that I would wind down is I would play NCAA. Yeah. The college football game. Yeah. And when it was like, I'm on a great coming off the graveyard shift, it's like seven, eight and nine. I would take the remote control and if like, if like, you know, I threw an interception on the last play.

I would throw that shit so hard against the wall that Brian, who would be getting up for work, would like come in and be like, is everything all right? I was like, yeah, I just broke that wall over there. Well, better at you throwing that than throwing Brian across the road in a rage. Yeah, no, no, or just going like, I don't know. I did not make that shit. I did not make that shit. It's chilly around this one. Get that fucking bullshit out of here.

Get that fucking shit out of here. Get that fucking shit out of here. I would love so hard if this guy was in my living room. Shit out of here. Never. Shit don't fucking happen on my watch. Shit. Holy shit.

Damn, Kobe. Bitch ass. I never fucking... I'm gonna fucking suck. Get the fucking ball, Kobe. I love how fired up he is. Yeah, I would love to have this guy over to play video games. Imagine if this is your dad and you're like,

Dad, why are you so angry at them? Shut the fuck up. It's so violent. Yeah, that's really... I get this way over, like, puzzle bobble, though, or Tetris. Imagine being a kid. That's why kids are so fired up now,

because they're playing these games and they're all riled up, you know? Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone has fucking ADD because they're freaking out. This is other level, though, right? Yeah, oh yeah. I get it, though. He's something else, man. Oh, I'm gonna burp again.

Really? What's going on? Did you start eating? Can I have cheeseburger? No. Oh, you haven't had the cheeseburger? I haven't had the cheeseburger. Sorry, yep. All right, well...

Get the motherfucking ball, Kobe. Get the fucking ball, Kobe. Oh. Fuck that fucking... You don't believe me. Give me some music for two days and I got down. Look down. Look down.

Oh, shit. I wish that was somebody we knew. All right, so let's catch up, man. Let's catch up. Yeah, buddies. Where were you? I was in Manfrendisco. Manfrendisco at Cobbs.

Yeah, it was a cool week. You had a cool show. You were with... What's that girl's name? Oh, my God. I had the best lineup. It was me, Jessica Curson. Yeah, she was funny.

Who's fucking hilarious. Look her up. If you guys are into... She's just fucking amazing. Yeah. And Gina Yashire. She's... Is it Yashire?

It's pronounced Yashire because she's Nigerian. She's a black girl from London. Yeah. And she has a cool fucking accent. She's really funny. She's... They're fantastic. She's really funny.

They were so much fun. And it was a great week. And it was my Smurf day. Oh, yeah. On Monday. Thank you guys for tweeting me. Everybody tweeted her. I'm only...

I'm only 23 so that was really special. Happy 23rd birthday. Thanks. And your husband took you out. Yes. Spoiled you. Yes. Got you gifts.

Many gifts. Any proper luggage so I don't look like a hobo. Got you actual adult luggage. Not hobo. Fucking... It's really bad. Tweak like twine and fucking pillows that you found in a parking lot. I just feel guilty spending money on like...

On shit. Like I literally guys... I'll have a backpack that I drag. It's got like a thing with wheelies. And then I'll put plastic bags. You're flirting with a hot female stranger. Oh my God. What was that?

Oh, that was from the ads. Who was that? That's the ads. Oh, that's the thing you're working on? No, that's the ads that pop up. The pop up ads. Oh, shut up. Our poor listeners have to hear it.

Yeah, but they can... I haven't downloaded it up. I'm sorry, but they can download the ad blocker. And I guess I didn't do it on this computer. Oh, okay. So, sorry. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah, it's all weird.

It was like, you've got genital herby. Sorry about that. And I'm sorry. I don't... Look, can somebody... Somebody out there has to know that if... If I've... I've paid for Ustream Producer Pro.

Oh, fuck. Here we go again. Why? I just... I hate this whole process. It makes me upset. What part of the process? That these fucking ads keep coming up.

But don't you hear me trying to address that? No, I do. It's upsetting me to see you upset. Yeah, I know. I'm not mad at you. No, I know. But I'm trying to say, like, if somebody fucking knows... Like, how...

How do you broadcast this shit without the ad? I don't know what else to do. I know, Gene. Like, we've paid for, like, the highest level. There's only one other level we can go to. And it's an additional $350. Oh, my God. That's bananas.

So... I'll pay for it. I will pay for it. If you're telling me that that means there's no more ads, though. I don't know. They don't explain you anything. We have to ask... Well, Blueban obviously doesn't know.

Well, ask him. Blueban, what should we do, buddy? I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. What? I don't know what you should do. He's not very bright. Dude, that's... That's not cool.

Some more fucking TMX shit. It's a little hard for these niggaz ass. God! Hey! Sorry, ass shit. Oh, my God. That's what I feel like. That's how I feel about you, Stream.

Yeah, I know. Boo-boo. I feel that way, exactly. I'm sorry, party, Gene. Um... Run! On an exciting note today, though, I bought my own Sriracha hot sauce

that I'll be putting on my Vietnamese pho later today. That's pretty exciting. Supply, which means I'm going to get severe ring sting tomorrow. I'm going to push the boundaries in my ass. I bought some salad to not be as fat. That's what I bought. Do you feel particularly...

You've been saying that you've been fat lately, a lot. I feel fatter. I've been working out a lot. You work out tremendous, yeah. You're really good. I feel, but I feel fatter. What do you think's going on? I don't know.

I don't know. I mean, I need to change my diet, obviously. Yeah. I definitely don't feel good. I'm sorry, babe. Yeah. I don't feel good. Hey, you know what you called me today?

Why don't we tell our listeners what you... What? You called me... You said I drink like a goat. You have a billy goat mouth. And, yeah, you said I have goat lips. Goat lips. Mwah!

Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Oh, that's right. Susie taught me how to do the goat. Mwah! Yeah, you go. Mwah!

There you go. You have to stick your tongue out. But I don't look like that all the time. Yeah, but then when you... Mwah! When you drink a bottle, you don't know how to put it to lips like a person. So you just pour it and then whatever gets in your mouth gets in there and the rest goes all over.

That's not how goats... That's not... And you chew on the... You chew on the end of it. That's not how billy goats, they go like... Mwah! Like a hamster, like on a hamster thing. Mwah!

Mwah! You know what you have? What? Dog tits. Whatever. You have six pairs of dog tits. You know one of dog... 12 mebbles?

Good dog gives birth. Two, four, six, eight. You have eight dog nipples. That's what your dog tits look like. I will feed any puppy that wants to feed off of one of my nip nips. I wish you could nurse puppies. I wish I could do it too. Nothing would make me happier.

Well, what else is new? What happened? What happened to you? I was in... Where was I? I was in Toledo. Oh, right. You've been there.

I love Toledo. Is this one of your favorites? No, here's why I don't. Because I was there like in January, like a year ago. It was like freezing, freezing, freezing cold. And all I could do was just run from the hotel to the club. I couldn't do anything. No, we had great weather.

We had good shows. Fun... I mean, there's definitely, I would say one or two shows where I was like, oh, all of you got free tickets. Got it. That's the best. Yeah, when they're like, somebody just handed me a pass said to come in here. I was going to go to TJ Fridays, but I decided to come here.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That kind of thing. So much fun. But then there was, there was good shows, fun shows, met cool people. Some mommies came out there. Yeah.

Appreciate it. Very special mommies came to a few shows, Dom and Alyssa, who I enjoyed meeting so much and they brought their dad on Father's Day. Oh, that's cool. Which was really cool. So shout out to you guys. And I got, Christina is going to sign your special, special gift and she's going to, we're going to send it back to you.

That's cool. I want to apologize to Cobb's mommies. I didn't meet people after shows. I wasn't feeling very good this week. Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't, I just was trying to get through stuff. So if you guys came out to Cobb's and I didn't say anything after my apologies.

I usually meet people, but I was not. Thank you. Thank you. Can I tell you what did happen at Cobb's? I'll tell you guys. I'll tell you guys top secret. So there's a girl in college that put the make on me. Oh, yes.

She was a softball player. Surprise, surprise softball players. Girl softball players are usually gay. Okay. And at the time she wasn't, she was not gay. But anyway. Yeah. So, so we were hanging out sophomore year and she was totally like, Hey, do you want

to get some whiskey? Let's go. And drink whiskey. And I was like, okay. And then it was totally drunk. And then she was like, come back to my dorm room. Um, we can just hang out and listen to music. Your dorm so far.

I just come over and I was like, all right. And then, uh, the next thing you know, it turns into like two in the morning and she's like, Oh, you don't want to go back to your dorm. It's like a block away. You should stay here. I was like, okay. And then she totally put the make on me. And you guys.

French city. Really? Girl French city. But I wasn't into it. I was not. No, it wasn't hot. So anyway, I tell the story on stage on Friday in San Francisco just randomly. I'm like, Oh, just tell the story.

When I lived here and when I. And the crowds into it. It was a fun. It was all lesbians in the crowd. Cause you know, I think some of the comics on my bill were gay. So I was like, yeah, I'm kind of gay too. And I told the story and the girl, the fucking girl shows up on Saturday night. That's so crazy.

I haven't seen her since. You didn't tell her like you guys in the range or anything? No, nothing. Nothing. She just happened to be like on Facebook and saw the post and I was like, get the fuck out of here. I just told the story about how you accosted me sexually molested me. Yeah.

And now she's happy. She has a girlfriend. She's like, got a cool life. Yeah. Looks great. So it's great. Okay. But it was very bizarre like to mention that person and then have them just show up.

So she did the thing though. Basically she did what guys do. Yeah. Yeah. No, you don't want to go there. Like just stay here. Yeah. I was like, no, I got a movie and have a sip of this.

Yeah. And let's cuddle. Oh, and that's what she did to me. She's like, let's just get, let's just sleep here. Let's cuddle. And then it didn't go below the belt. Really? No.

Just smooches. I remember just kisses, uncomfortable kisses for me. Did you ever tell a guy this? I had a girl that I was putting the moves on in college. And as it's escalating, right? Like it's building. She's like, oh, just want, like she goes, I just want to tell you something. And I was like, what?

She goes, I don't suck dick. And I was like, uh, cool. Thanks for throwing that out there. Right. Like, like as a rule. Yeah. Just your dick. Just no, just just like, I'm not into doing that.

And I'm like, all right. It's weird. You kind of just, it's weird. You kind of just killed the whole vibe. Well, did you expect her to suck your dick? Yeah. You were like, oh, we're going to do this. Well, I mean, I was, I was, it was right against the corner of her mouth at that time.

I was, I was, I was trying to push it in. I was like, and she was like, I just tell you now, I don't suck dick. I was like, all right. Well, at least give it a kiss. Actually, isn't that when you're supposed, like, when are you supposed to tell people that kind of stuff? Like, I don't know. But then I was like, this fucking flea flew.

Here's the thing. Like, if she's going to tell that, what, I'm not going to do you any favors. You know, like I was, I was planning on taking care of you. Oh, I see. You know what I'm saying? So she was preemptively. She was preemptively like, I'm not going to suck it. And then I'm like, all right, well, I'm not going to chew.

Yeah, you shouldn't chew the forest. The forest. And then at that point it's like, well, there's only one other thing to do. Right. So do I just shove it in? Yeah. You know, that's what she wanted. Just shove it in there.

Just shove it in, I guess. Yeah. I don't like that girl in Detroit airport when she was like, these chips are four or 50. You still want them? Yeah. And it was like a preemptive. Yeah, yeah.

Like, hey, this is going to suck. You don't want to pay this. It gave me a very like, hmm, I don't know if I'm into you right now. No. And she's probably not a very. Oh, that's a good one. Thank you. Not a very giving person.

Yeah. As a whole. Yeah. I kind of want to stay away from those, those types that are like, I don't know if I can do that. I still, you know, I still smashed it. I beat it up and tossed it out. But, you know, those things.

Great, Tom. Do you even know her name? I'll tell you this. I don't want to say it. I don't remember it. I kind of remember what she looked like though. So what does she look like? Like shorter.

Shorter. Yeah. That's it. That's what I remember. That's it. Shorter. Do you realize that you have no recollection of people that you've actually had intercourse with?

Like, you don't know. That's crazy to me. I know, I know the people. I know everybody I've kissed. Yeah. No, I don't know that. Lesbian included. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's so disgusting. I hope your wiener rots off. Now I'm married to you after I die. After you die? You have a rots off? That's not cool. Maybe. So, so let's talk about, oh, on my way to, this is, we were talking about this.

On my way to Toledo on a flight. I had to, I flew, first to, I think, where did I fly to? I don't remember anymore. It's more terrible, man. No, I flew to a major airport, Chicago. Oh, okay, okay. And then I flew to O'Hare and then I connected to Toledo on a regional jet, which I fucking hate them.

Yeah. But anyways. They can't put your fucking carry on above you, they make you check it and everything. It seems worse, man. So it's one of those things where it has like, I don't know, fucking 40 seats in it or something. So, I'm in the, for the first four seats, there's only one row. So it's like, literally one, two, three, four, and then behind us, it's twos behind us. Does that make sense?

Mm-hmm. So, the guy. I put on an airplane. I know. I'm just bringing it down to make sure, you know, Jesus, you don't have to ruin everything. So, this guy, as soon as we board, I sit down and I take out the book I'm reading and I go, all right, I start reading and I hear the guy in front of me. He's like, so, you're a flight attendant, huh?

Oh, boy. And the girl, it's like a cute, like probably recent graduate of college who's a flight attendant. She's like, yeah. He's like, do you like it? And he's probably, he's probably like 65, between 65 and 70, right? Maybe 68. And she's like, yeah, he's like, ah, I've been everywhere. I've traveled all over the place.

And she's like, oh, yeah. And she's doing the thing you should as like you're basically in a service job and you're like entertaining the person. She's almost like, you know, like when you're at a hotel and the person engages you and they go, oh, that's neat. I used to do that. I used to do that when I cocktail waitress. You used to talk to old perverts when I was 23.

So, but he starts doing this thing. And I realized as I'm listening to him that like of all the things I don't want to end, I don't want to end up being this guy, which is the older guy who's, who's basically hitting on a younger girl, but disguising it as I'm just having a conversation. And his game is so weak. And like it's offensively bad. You know what I mean? Everything that she said, he would go cool.

Cool. In that cool. And so she's like, yeah. And he's like, so what are your parents like? And I'm like, why ask him about her parents, man? That's radical. Yeah. And she's like, they're really nice.

Yeah. We hang out. Like we went to a concert a few weeks ago. He goes, in that cool. In that cool. Yeah. Yeah. What?

Oh, and she mentioned the band. Oh, fuck. It was like, she mentioned the band. She goes, she says to this old, she goes, you know, like death cap for cutie. And he's like, sure. Yeah. I'm not even sure I know death cap for cutie. And he's like, yeah.

I wanted to be like, you don't know who that is, man. You've never heard of that band. You fucking liar. And he's like, sure. Yeah. And she goes, we went. We had a great time. He goes, that's cool.

That's cool. Yeah. That took my family to this thing. It was just the coolest. And it was like, that's his one word. He had his one word. Oh, no. That he just reminded me of just a fucking old dude who's just trying to connect with somebody.

Can I tell you, my dad hits on young girls. Okay. But he's real good at it. He doesn't. And here's the key to doing it is don't be anybody other than yourself. Right. Like if you're a dad boner, you're just, just do you bro. You know what I mean?

Like just be. That's, that is the key to it all. It's key actually. That's the key at any age. Yeah. Just, just be you. And the less like you're trying, always the better. Yeah.

I even feel weird like using Twitter. I feel like I'm too old to be like, hey guys. It's like, it feels lame. No. No. Yeah. I feel fucking. What?

You know, we feel like Sean Connery. I was like Sean Connery trying to be cool. Like when they put them in with urban kids. He's trying to connect. So he's like. You're the man now dog. You're the man now dog. I'm just, I'm just trying to.

You're the man now dog. So embarrassing. I'm just connecting with you. I'm speaking your language. Can I tell you that when this, this movie came out. You're the man now dog. I've been thinking about that since like 1996. Like when, whenever it came out.

Yeah. Because it was such a fucking lame scene. Yeah. Where like, they, they. You're flirting with a female. Isn't that the worst man? Were they, um, they have like the older white guy paired with like the hip urban kid. This story's been told so many times.

Yeah. That's Michelle Pfeiffer. And when Sean Connery did it, I was like, no dude. Yeah. You're the man now dog. You're the man now dog. It's the worst. Do it again.

It is the worst. Oh, and this is something I realized we could do. Play it again. I will, I will. It makes me so happy. It's so fucking stupid. I forgot that I could do this. And this is so stupid of me.

Sorry guys. I'm fucking. Oh mother. Sometimes I do dumb shit. You're the man now dog. Did you love that? I've been thinking about it since, yeah, in 96 I think. And you got.

Whenever that came out. Is that one of those things where you walked out of the theater and you're just saying it over and over to your friends? I didn't see it in the theater. I think I saw it at home. It was like that. No, no, I didn't. I'm sorry.

You're the man now dog. No, it was in the preview. It was in the trailer. And I'm like, did they just put that in the fucking, like that's a selling point for this piece of shit. Yeah, it is amazing. It's amazing. Who fucking, what is this piece of shit movie called?

It's called You're the Man Now Dog. Like, yeah. Good Will Hunting. No. Good Will Black. You're the man now dog. You're the man now dog. You're the man now dog.

You're the man now dog. You're the man now dog. You're the man now dog. It's so stupid. So it doesn't, that's the, that's the equivalent. Awful. That's the guy on my flight. Cool.

Cool. That's cool. Yeah, I got a, I got a, my, my JZ on my iPod. That's how I am now. Just jam out with him. Rip rap. Is it a, is it a Jigga? Is that what he is?

Oh my God, dude, it's so bad. Yeah, it was embarrassing. And I had to sit through this. Oh, here's the other thing is the flight, that connection flight is like hour and hour and 30 minutes, something like that. Yeah. From, from Chicago Toledo, he never left her alone. That's bad.

He didn't shut the fuck up. I had to, I thought I could just, I was like, you're going to make me get up and put my fucking noise canceling headphones on just to block out your babble. Yeah. And I did. Good, good. And when we landed and I took him off, he was like, that is cool. That is cool.

It's like it never fucking stopped. He couldn't shut the fuck up. It just absolutely killed me. But it sucks for her because she's in the position of having to entertain that. She was gracious. Yeah. I mean, she was gracious. Yeah.

She could have been like, I can't talk anymore, which I really wish he would have. Well, what I learned to do in my older years is, now I do this, I didn't learn this until I was about 30 is whenever you go on public, glasses on. People make fun of me all the time. Because I wear big glasses and I keep my fucking eyes forward. I don't talk to anybody because that's exactly what happens to you. Maybe not now that I'm older, but when you're younger, every douchebag is like, hey. And you're like, come on, man, like I'm not going to fuck you on this plane.

This isn't going to happen. Not that I'm so fantastic. I'm just saying that guys will, if you're, you know, of a certain age, you just fucking try to nail you. It's, I know. And that's the thing. I'm saying like the guy I don't want to be is when I'm 65, doing a shitty flirt fucking thing with a 22 year old flight attendant.

I don't want to be that guy. No, no. I hope you're so married to me and that you're not. I know. Well, no, I'm saying at least I just hope I do it like a little more casually. Yeah. You know, I used to have a couple of bosses. Give me another fuck.

Yeah. That's how you do it. Yeah. Just like, hey, cute, you know. You pinch your butt when she walks by. You know, you, you lick your finger, put it up her skirt or something. Classy is what I'm saying. You know?

All right. Okay. Is that your butthole? All right. Yeah. You know what I love? Well, I will say today we had relations. Jesus.

No. And it was the first time I'd been with a white guy for a long time. How long has it been since you've been with a white man? I just have sex with every Puerto Rican guy on the road. A lot of black dudes, a lot of Asian guys. Really? Asian guy, I'm under. You did get fingered by an Asian guy.

Oh, you'd have to throw that detail in. I would have just left it at that. What? Don't tell him it was the doctor. It was the guy at the foe place that you go to. Yeah. The chef at the foe place. Delicious.

He's the new spice I want you to try. It was very loving. Only one finger though. I know you're disappointed. Anyways. Did it, did it turn you on? Because that's a hot experience, right? Doctor's always hot.

Yeah. It's very erotic. It's a hot thing. I don't know why they eroticized that shit, man. I don't know how on pornography. I actually, my gynecologist, she told me one time that she had a lesbian couple come in and they were like, oh, this is like our biggest fantasy. Oh, wow.

She was like, nah. It's ridiculous. Do you fantasize about the proctologist ever? No, no. He gives you like a killer rectal exam and you just blow loads. No, and actually, I never had like a sexy doctor or anything. Really? Why not?

They're usually hot. I know that when you meet them, you're like, no, but I'm saying like I've never had an attractive one, which is, you know, but I have had that every time I've had like a physical and they've been like drop your shorts. However small my penis can get, it's at that state. I'm sure. It's never been slightly fluffed. It's always been like, it's always been like, I've wanted to make an excuse.

I've wanted to say, just so you know, it gets bigger, like to doctors who obviously don't care, but I just want to be like, it gets bigger. But do you think they do? Because here's the thing. There's the middle note. I didn't know this. I had one time went to a party at a really wealthy doctor's house in Florida, a gynecologist, and it was a big party going on.

And then I go, hey, can I ask you something? We're at the bar that's in his house. And he's like, yeah. And I go, how do you separate, like as a gynecologist, you know, like your mind from, you know, like the sexual to when it's like you're doing a medical exam. And he said, he's like, oh, pussy's pussy. Right. And that's all he said.

And I was like, got it. Meaning there is no separation. He still sees you as sexual. I'm imagining getting, I'm in your clam and I wish I could get in there a little more. Yeah. See, this is why I go to a female gynecologist. This doctor I saw was a urologist and I didn't know he was going to do that to me. I didn't expect that I would have a finger in my cooch that day.

On Monday was my birthday. Right. And I was like, so I didn't clean up downstairs. Like I was, I came off the road. It had been like, you know, like a week and I've been with you. So I was like, I'm just going to let this grow. And I literally said to him, I'm like, dude, I'm sorry. Like if I had known you were going to be down there, I would have cleaned it up.

And he laughed and stuff, but it was terrible. What? That's just funny that you told him like I would have cleaned it up for you. I'm sorry. I find you had visitors, but I didn't know he was going to fucking. I know. I know. Finger blast.

Of course. Of course. You're the man now, dog. You're the man now, dog. That's what I should have said to him. I would have said, can you imagine if you had said that while he's finger, like he's like, so this is going to, you're going to feel a little pressure or he puts his finger in. You're the man now, dog.

That'd be pretty fantastic. I think that they do, they have to sexualize you because I always look at my doctor's physical appearance and judge them. Yeah. And be like, oh, you look attractive or you're not, you're not put together today or. Really? Of course. You don't, you don't judge the physical appearance of your doctor.

Yeah. Of course. I don't think I've ever had a doctor where I've been like, what's going on, man? No, not like that. But you just go like, oh, you're looking good. Like he's just like, I'm super hungover. It's a pair away in the bathroom. I don't feel good at all.

You know. That's nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice.

Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice.

Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. It's time for you. Holy dog, shit.

Let's fucking party. I'm so excited. I can't even tell yet. Let's do it. Hey, buddy. It's Top Dog. Hey, buddy. It's Top Dog.

Hey, buddy. It's Top Dog. You need to wipe down. It's Top Dog. Timeless advice. Oh, couldn't be any better. So, as you guys know, a few weeks ago, I took a trip with TD, Top Dog.

And what did you guys go to? We went to Portland, Maine. And we had a great time. Right. We drove around. We saw. We went to Kenny Bunkport. Oh, were they?

It's a Bush family. They own the beer. It was a Bush compound. Right. The beer family. Where you get free beer, right? Right, right. That was really, really cute.

I didn't even know. Do you know how stupid I am? I said, can I tell the story? Yeah. It's embarrassing. Yeah. I'm a fucking idiot. So, when I was in high school, I knew the...

So embarrassed. One of the, you know, an extension of the Anheuser-Busch family. And I dated a girl in that family. And anyways, I still friends with them. And so, when I was in Maine, I texted Christina, hey, look. I sent her a picture. I go, it's the Bush compound. And Kenny Bunkport.

And then I called her and I was like, did you see that picture? And she was like, yeah. I go, that's the Bush compound. She goes, could have been all yours, man. Could have had all that beer. And I was like, what? She was like, if you had stayed with her, that could be your place. And I was like, no, that's a different Bush family, babe.

I'm talking about the former president, you know? Yeah. Kenny Bunkport. That's pretty amazing. I know that Oprah interviewed Bush somewhere nice. And then I saw the picture. I'm like, oh, that's where Oprah interviewed him. Yeah, it's pretty well known.

I didn't know it was a stupid name for something for a place. It's pretty funny. Why is it called something so stupid? I don't know why it's called that, but I know that it is called that. Whatever. I don't know everything, Tom. I can't know everything. It is funny.

I know. I was talking to, who was I talking to about it? I was talking, it could have been... Odessa, Texas. That's where I had the hell gig. Odessa. Sorry. This is from earlier today when we were together.

Okay. I didn't tell you I was recording it. You were a little aggressive, yeah. I forgot that that you were growling at me. I recorded it. So, yeah, a lot of people know that. But you know what's funny is how well-read you are. Like, you basically are so well-read.

But only shut that nobody cares about. What happened? No, but then you don't know stuff that Kenny Bunport would be associated with. Which president would you associate with Crawford, Texas? No idea. How about Chicago? Chicago? A president?

Yeah. Osama bin Laden. There you go. That's right. Right? Obama was from there, wasn't he? There you go. I knew that.

Here's the thing. I don't give a shit about politics. Real talk. You knew that. I don't fucking care. And not only that... What was that? Was that my posi b.a.k.?

Yeah. Not only that, nobody said that word in my family growing up. Kenny Bunport. No, I know. You have to be a news junkie to know about it. If you're not into the news, then you would not know. I get my news from the Cold War. You know what happened with the attorney general today?

Nah. I don't care. That's interesting. Whatever. Listen, do you know what Heidegger's, you know, dozine is? It's if you hold your head down and you don't pick it up, you're never going to see the sky. Isn't that what it is?

Okay. I listened to, you know, philosophy podcasts, but I just, current events to me are cyclical and pointless. I understand. Shit, boy. I get it. It bore me. I understand.

Another guy did something shitty to somebody else. Yeah. Well... It's all the same. So we're excited for this, though. When I hung out last week... That's why I like shit talk, because it's fun. It's always good.

We gave you a little taste. We talked to... I was there right then when Top Dog shit his pants. You saw it. You didn't listen to the last week's episode. You need to go back and listen to it. Go back, yeah. Because I was there moments after it happened and I recorded the play by play of what happened

and it was pretty fantastic. So rare. It's like watching Handys comment. That is a rare gift to have that happen. So anyways... You guys are witness. I'm shitting his pants. It's amazing.

It's amazing. Nobody gets to see that. And there's some more Top Dog gold for you here right now. The next day I recorded some more conversation with him. So let's just get into it. You said it? Yeah, okay. We'll get right into it right now.

Here is some more T.D. So the other day you texted me and we didn't get to talk. You texted me that you had a long shit which is different than a big shit because long should curl around the toilet. That's right. It's totally different. Did that happen to you the other day? It did.

It did. You know you started shitting and it just felt like it was going to go on forever. Really? There was no plop. Yeah. You know it just kind of and then of course when I was done I checked it out and it just caught up there like a snake. A snake basically.

Yeah. Do you try to, when those come really long, do you try to hold on to not break those? Do you try to keep yourself from breaking it to see how long it gets? You know what I'm talking about right? I do that all the time. Oh if I can clench it and then snap it off or maybe I could just. I go for the, I can do, I swear to God Tommy. Yeah.

I did a foot long and then another half foot like a six incher. Really? Yeah. When I was in Florida. It was amazing. Yeah. But I know what he's talking about. Exactly.

Yeah. Because you don't hear it plop. It almost concerns you and then when you look in the bowl you're like, oh this is amazing. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Okay. What's the longest you've ever turreted?

I mean I've had a, you know, probably a 15 incher before. 15. In a single. Yeah. Single bound. I mean I'm not an amateur. Okay. One piece.

No I just, I don't have those very often. I mean I would say that's the first one of the few ones I've had this year and it just, you know, I just kept going. I figured I'd be done any second but it just kept coming. Yeah. You know? Yeah. A while ago we were in the car and it was you, me and mom and you said, we were in the

car and you go, I have, you're talking about how you know you smell, you smell your farts. You put your hand down there and you smell them. Okay. You know what's funny? Yeah. Is that you, do you hear him deny it right then? You lied. Yeah.

And he goes, no I don't do that. And I just looked at him and I was like, huh? And I think part of him was just doing an automatic denial. But then when I reminded him that we had, and it's in a previous episode. You remember the episode? I've seen him do it. Right. But the episode where I go, he goes, I have six different smells, like he was talking

about it. Yeah. And that's why I was like, huh? Because he denied it. I was like, what? What do you mean? Oh, that I did. Yeah.

Oh yeah. You tell me. Oh yeah. Yeah, that I did. Sick or not. Yeah. Right. We talked about that.

Right. Because I know my smell. Right. But then as we were talking about that, you said, I basically have six different types of smells. Right. So what like, I mean, could you kind of break down what they are? Like what are the different ones that?

There is one smell. You know, it's going to be a hard one when it comes out. Really? The smell itself tells you that? Yeah. There's another one. A hard one. It's going to be basically kind of a diarrhea thing.

Who doesn't? A hard one? Oh, maybe like the consistency of your shit is just like a normal deuce. Yeah. You know, there's others that are kind of in between. Yeah. And there's one that's just kind of the normal smell, which means you're fine. Gastrointest, you're fine.

You're not going to have any unusual episodes. That's the one I usually go for. That's the one I usually go for. That's the one I go for. I may have an intestinal event later in the evening. So you know what's coming? Oh yeah. I have like a blueprint coming in.

Really? Kind of my own built-in radar system, okay? And you just like to know what's coming basically, right? Okay. Oh yeah. I suppose you have to be prepared. Yeah. That's my motto, be prepared.

Be prepared as your motto? Marine motto. Do you have people ask me to ask you, do you recommend you have a favorite type of toilet paper? Yeah, I really do. You know, in fact, when I go to the grocery store, I get basically top of the line Charmin with the aloe or whatever. Aloe vera, kind of stuff?

Yeah. To the lotion stuff. By the way, that's another dad thing is like, there's at least 30 words I can think of that he doesn't know how to pronounce. Yeah. Four years. Yeah. And your dad's American born.

Yes. And for like 30 years, he's mispronounced him and every time I go, you mean like aloe? And he's like, yeah. Yeah. Why doesn't he? My dad says, Trader's Joe. Trader's Joe? Trader's Joe, yeah.

And then he goes, I need your advice is like he pluralizes things. Yeah. That's a foreign thing. But he's a foreigner. Yeah. That's a foreign thing. Yeah. No.

Top dog always is like the ally thing. No. And he also says pedophile. That's so weird. Remember? Yeah. Yeah. He's like, see this guy in the news is pedophile.

I'm like pedophile. He's like, yeah. I'm like, how can you not fucking say it right? Maybe. Yeah. Maybe he hasn't seen the word written or something. I don't know, man. Yeah.

Yeah. Go to it. Yeah. You like that? That's my favorite brand. You know, Charmin is a great. He's consistent toilet paper. Yeah.

You know what? You have to take that into account, too. Because when you suddenly got to go, I mean, you got to go, you want to go into a place and carries good, you know, generally go to the risk Carlton's for seasons. All the top line hotels carry good toilet paper. Yeah. Right. Then when you go to some of the motels and stuff, it's really bad.

Yeah. Motels, planes, gas station. Yeah. I really try to avoid going on an airplane. Oh, yeah. Me, too. Oh, yeah. Me, too.

But, you know, in some of the, but it's getting, you know, getting better. I was on a cruise ship once and really bad. In fact, I recommended to a friend take a couple of his own roles. Yeah. You've told me that, too. Yeah. Really? That might be a good, you know, just philosophy in life.

Bring your own role. Does he do that? Yeah, he does. Yeah. On cruise ships. Yeah. I bring a couple of roles on his own. Are you fucking kidding me?

That's bananas. They've been on so many cruises that he knows. Yeah, he knows. So he's like, hey, make sure you pack a couple roles. Wow. Keep my whole soft. Yeah. You know what, yeah.

So you really, do you think that through, huh? Well, you know, it's just like some people, it's like, you know, when you, when you're laying out your wardrobe for shoes and stuff, you also got to plan, plan, you know, what comes out. Sure. Do you bring roles with you? I did on the last cruise. You did?

I brought a backup role. Just one? Yeah. Yeah. Just brought one for emergencies, you know, and, and because, you know, and, and act tight, which is really good too. Yeah. You're on cruise ship.

The tissue paper for your nose. Yeah. Much softer. They don't really like it when you use that. Yeah. But it's 10 times. How does he know they don't like it when you use that? I don't know.

Maybe because you're not supposed to flush that kind on a cruise ship. Just tissue paper. Would it be? Maybe it's because he went through like a hundred tissues and they're like, hey, why do we keep replenishing our tissue? I was going to suggest, because I often, in place of toilet paper, I use Kleenex. Yeah. Of course.

It's nice and soft. Nice and soft. Why can't they make toilet paper as soft as Kleenex? Why don't we ask the real questions on this show? Yeah. Buddy. Huh? Now that's a real talk question.

Huh? Yeah. We got to challenge Sharman. Shit, buddy. That's a really good question. I know. Let's keep going. You know what they should do?

Make like a premium, premium top of the lying toilet paper that feels like silk on your asshole. Even though it's like $20, like a fucking thing. Yeah. See what happens. Yeah. I mean, when you invest. People would pay for it.

Yeah. Yeah. And nothing worse than a rough toilet paper. Like in the dorms, like in college. I remember they gave us one ply and I petitioned to have two plies. Or that green shit that you get sometimes, you know, like that. Green. Like the, the fucking, it's good for the earth stuff.

Oh, fuck all that. That sucks. You know, like Trader, Trader's Joe kind. Yeah. Recycled. Terrible. That's fucking sandpaper, man. Like the military gives you bad toilet paper.

That's toilet paper. Really? Absolutely. That's a good tip. It's a pro tip. That is a pro tip. Yeah. A pro tip.

Do you have, are you still using the countertop wipes to wipe? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. That, that really, I mean, that kills, you know, you got to, there's bacteria everywhere today. Sure.

You know, you read about this on computer laptops, door handles. Yeah. Everything. There's this whole thing that you got to fight fire, fight back. Okay. You're fighting back. I'm fighting back. You don't feel like that's too strong?

Kills everything. Yeah. I know. Oh no. People are scared to use it. There's no such thing as too strong when it comes to bugs. Okay. To bugs.

Yeah. I mean, killing bacteria and stuff like that. Yeah. But it's your, it's, it's for like countertops and like grease. Ah, come on. Come on. You know, you think how people underestimate how tough their minds are. Really?

I don't know them all day long. Yeah. You're not talking the palm of your hands here. Yeah. If it's good enough for the palm of your hands, it's got to be good enough for your body. And some people take it up the ass regularly, you know? So that's pretty strong. Yeah.

But it, it works. He goes, yeah. It's when I went right over there. Yeah. He didn't even register that one. No, but he's, he's using like Clorox brand. Yeah. Like bleach.

We went to the CVS. I was sick. Oh my God. I had a cold. I went to CVS and I go, hey, and we, and there, it was the Clorox. Like it was like extra strength, like kills. You know, it said like industrial strength. Then I go, is this the stuff you use to wipe your ass?

And he looked and he goes, yeah, that's it buddy. You got to be shitting me. And I was like, dad, you can't use this. He was like, it's great. And then we just walked away. It's bleach on your butthole. He doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to hear what you have to say.

That's the bananas. He's going to hurt his butthole. That totally will hurt your butthole, right? You can't wipe your asshole with a bleach Kleenex. It's so crazy that he does that. Yeah. Kills 99.9% of all the germs. Sure it does.

In like, in chemical plants and the other thing is strong. You don't have to worry about punching your fingers through that stuff either. Oh, absolutely. Your hand is safe. You know, it's like having, it's kind of like, you know, having real protection. Sure. You got it, man. Yesterday, you really had an episode.

This is the day after. Right. The incident. The incident. Oh my God. The 2012 incident. It was good yesterday. I didn't make it.

I mean, I was, you know, it was just ugly. I had to go and, you know, I misread the sign in the hotel. Yeah. And had to go down the stairs and I was squeezing the cheeks, going down the stairs. Yeah. And then went into one of these places, you know, where, you know, you're rushed in, but it's one of these handicapped stalls. It's an extra five feet before you get to them.

Yeah. It is. It's five feet too far. Five feet too far. That's a great album title. That was my favorite. I got to go, I got to play that again. Five feet too far.

Oh man. You know, you're rushed in, but it's one of these handicapped stalls. It's an extra five feet before you get to them. Yeah. And it was five feet too far. Five feet too far. Yeah. It was ugly.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Throw out your underwear. Throw out my underwear. Take a shower. Take a shower. Yeah.

Put those pants away. Put the pants in. I wear those pants the rest of the trip, that's for sure. The rest of the trip. Those stains in them, but, you know, you can, something there. Something's hidden there. Something is definitely in there. Hey, we were talking about this the other day.

What? Oh man. Wait, is your mom going to wash those khakis that he's shit in? Um. Does your mom do the laundry? Yeah. Yeah. So she's going to smell, but he claims it doesn't smell.

Well, there was, I didn't smell them. There was no, there was no stain, but he's still shit wearing them. So. Can I tell you though, that's one of those phantom things like where you fucking shit and then you don't see the evidence until late. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, I tried to convince him not to, because he was like, they're fine.

And I was like, I wouldn't wear those. You just shit in them. Yeah. I wouldn't wear those. You just shit in those. You may not see it at first. Right. Yeah.

It's like when you shit and then you, you have like the never ending wipe and then later you wipe like two hours later. It's like a full wipe again. Yeah. You're like, oh my God. What was in my cheese? Yeah. Like that was sitting on that.

Oh, this is, oh, this is the part we got to, like there's more to come. Um, there's, I'm going to, I asked him about, I don't want to tell you. I asked him about dating. No. Yes. And like picking up on chicks and he gives them really good advice, but here's the big announcement we've been holding on to. Are we doing this now?

Let's do it right now. Why not, man? We're just giving top dog stuff right now. So this is our, our break to tell you, we talked about it for a while. People, a lot of it, it was, you know, listeners were suggesting this and asking about it. And we finally did it. We have, it's so good. It's so good.

We have a top dog t-shirt that is, it's the best one we've ever come up with. It's, uh, if you go to your mom's house podcast.com and you go to the store, it's the first one you'll see now. It's, uh, it's done in the, like, um, uh, like the top gun logo, right? Like top gun, the movie, right? But it's top dog and above it, it says your mom's house podcast.com and underneath it, it says wipe down, but it's, it's done so well. Yeah.

So we had, uh, uh, the same, um, designer, Ash, uh, Otaki in Florida did the design. She did an amazing job and we've just put it up. Some people found it before we announced and ordered it already. It's, it's going to be bananas. Yeah. It's going to be crazy. Wait. Um, but here's the thing that's really cool.

It's the kind of design where, um, because this was really important. I asked for this specifically where you don't feel the, the design. You know what I'm talking about? Like this shirt. Yeah. Yeah. Like the ink is on top. Right.

This is, uh, it's called, um, I forget what they, what they call it, but it's, it's where the logo and the shirt are one, like the ink is bled into the shirt. So it's high quality. It's, it looks awesome. And you can kind of, you can order it now. It'll ship in two weeks and, um, I'm just, we're just super excited about it. I can't wait to get mine. We actually, today we're repping shirts.

You have death squad, I'm wearing a Kingfish shirt. And, um, yeah, anyways, that was, uh, this is it. This is the top dog shirt. This is it. This, this is the official shirt of the podcast and it's so rad. I can't wait to get it just to ship him one. Oh, he's going to die. He's going to die.

He has no idea how loved he is. He has no idea. I show, I showed him, I showed him, uh, I asked you guys to tweet, uh, Father's Day things to him and I tax, I would do the screen grab and send it to him and he was like, that's neat buddy. People like me. Yeah, sure do. This is phenomenal.

Yeah. So pre-order, get your shirt, pre-order it now at your mama's house podcast. I can't fucking wait. Go to the store and check it out. It's rat. It's fucking dope. His shirt. And I'm so excited about it.

Um, so now some more top dog. Let's see where we are with this. You've been working on months for that shirt. Oh, I saw a, what was left of a Viet Cong guy that got close to a bomb that dropped. We talked about some Vietnam. I want to talk to the dating stuff. Yeah. It really does look like.

Oh, really? Oh yeah. It's almost unrecognizable. So that's an instant kill. It's. Well, he never knew it hitting. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, stuff that looked more painful when you see stuff like that. Well, you know, the, the, the things that hurt very often aren't the worst wounds. Oh, right. Don't kill. Right. Right. Yeah. Interesting.

You know, so when you get, uh, we step on a mind, you don't feel anything. It's all so fast. Yeah. Oh, I've heard guys say that. The only thing that really hurts are hurts the most are belly wounds. Those are bad. Yeah. Bleeding out and stuff.

Yeah, and belly wounds, but you have flat jackets. So that protects you from grenades, but if you get a AK-47 round in the belly. Right. But I'm saying bleeding out from your gut. Yeah. Oh, that's the worst. Yeah. Um, switching topics here.

One of the, uh, a lot of the guys ask, you know, our single. When you were single and see a lady you want to approach, kind of lined you use on her. Say one of these guys sees a attractive woman. What do you say to her? He's about to, he's about to school everybody here. I can't even imagine. Well, I, uh, I would be, you know, I would walk over to her and usually what I say, kind of get your drink.

Can I get your drink? Sure. Can I get your drink? What if she already has a drink? You still say that? Uh, I would kind of wait till the other drink was just about done. She's kind of waited out. She had your little recon.

Okay. Take your radar, go around the room, kind of check out the body line. We see if there's another guy involved. See how she's drinking the drink. It's all about timing. What if you're in a non-drinking scenario, let's say you're at the post office, do you still say, can I get you a drink? Well, let's see, what did I do at a, he hasn't even addressed that in a long time ago, waitresses.

I used to work on waitresses when they were serving you. Yeah. Really? Yeah. What would you say? Well, you try to be charming. You know, I really liked the way you filled up my, my glass, the way you filled up my glass.

My glass, yeah. So could you give me another glass and fill it up for me too? That would really catch him off guard. What the fuck? It gets so much better. You have no idea. He's about to show, he's about to tell you what got him the most chicks. I really like how you felt that glass.

I'm so excited. Yeah, you felt another, if we have another glass. That's his big line. No, it gets even worse. He's not even, you're the man, that's even worse than you're the man now, dog. No, it's not. Come on. It's just not, there's no game to it.

I know. It's really cute though. I love him. Yeah. I really like how you filled up my glass. Right there. Okay, here we go. You know, you know, they know you're, you're kind of hitting on.

Right. Yeah. And they don't think you're a creep when you do this? No. They love it. And so then I make some kind of comment, you know, just the banter and you can tell if they're interested because you know how waiters, they can do their little sort. They come back over and, and they kind of talk.

So I, my line used to be like, but you got a meaty cunt and they're like, hey, what are you doing after this? That is how we met. Right? Yeah. I got a meaty cunt on you, Kristina. Then you kind of ask him where you're from, how long you worked here, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

And then, you know, you said, well, why don't you give me your phone number on, write it down on the napkin. Sometimes it would, but one time the girl said to me, give me your phone number. I gave her mine and she called. Do they call? She called. Um, but the best ones, the best system of all bank tellers bank tellers. Oh, you just farted.

I know. Back tellers. I know. I want to go in. Oh, shit, man. You know, this is there. Oh, bank tellers. Okay.

What's that smell mean? What's coming? Yeah. Oh, that means that some of this stuff I've had on this trip that lunch I had today that didn't digest. Well, yeah. That's coming out. That's coming out later tonight, probably.

Really? Yeah. Well, tomorrow morning, probably we'll start off today with that's really bad. It'll be kind of ugly. Yeah. Does he tell the bank teller? Yeah, it wasn't good. It wasn't good.

That wasn't good. That wasn't good. Was he laying down? Yeah. And he was like, I can hear him like struggling to kind of get up. Yeah. Yeah, buddy. Oh, shit.

Bank tellers. Oh, my God. Why the bank tellers poor ladies that is wait, wait till you hear how in depth this is. This is not just some run of the mill. Oh, here's something kind of, this is like well thought out. Very calculated. Here we go.

Guys, you're going to start banking at new places after this one. Ready? Take your notepad out. Get your pen ready. So, you know, we're all going to pay the price for that one. Okay. So you said bank tellers. Bank tellers.

Yeah. Bank. And of course you survey, you know, the attractive bank teller and you make your deposit and you kind of just banter a little bit to see if there's any back banter, you know. So then what you do is when you go back the following week, you would time your deposit if the case was aligned just with her. Oh, I got you. Okay.

So if like people are going to different tellers, you try to, you make sure you go to her. Absolutely. Okay. So then what you do is you say to her, look how much fucking money I have. No. You say, why don't we like that red dress you have on? I haven't seen you wear that in a long time. Well, if they're into you, they know what day you come in to make the deposits.

So if you come in the following week and she's got the red dress on, you know, she likes this. Wow. He's right. Did you hear this? That's why your mom thinks he's going to murder her because he, he's methodical. Like he's very methodical. He's talking about a three minimum three week operation.

Wow. Two or three week kind of operation. Oh yeah. You know, this is got a system, you can't rush things. Okay. All right. So then what you do when you make the deposit, you're right out in the back of the deposit, you're like they have more specs.

Yeah. And if not, I'll fucking kill you. No. I always would say yes. You battled a hundred. A thousand. A thousand. A thousand.

A thousand. Wow. So here's the, again, to recap. Wow. It was you, you, you scope out the joint. Yeah. You find a cutie. Then you go, you see if there's chemistry.

Wow. The next week, same time, you go in and you make a comment about something that she's wearing and how much you like it, which, and then you go back the third week at the same time. And if she's wearing that same thing again, you know that she did it basically because she thought you were coming in. No, no. And he comments, I really like the dress or something.

Right. And then she remembers the interaction from last time or something like that. Right. No, that's, no, no. The second time you point out what you like, I really like those earrings or that dress. I haven't seen you wear that. It's really beautiful. You look great.

And then the third week, if she's wearing it again, she's wearing it because she's trying to impress you. Wait, it gets, it gets better and gets better. And then you write on the last time you write, you want to have lunch or dinner on the back of your deposit slip, which probably will scare her at first because she'll probably be like, is this giving me all your money? No, that's people write, give me all your money on slips. Right.

Right. Not because they're killer because they're robbing it. Really? Oh yeah. How often did you use this trick? Well, in my single days, I used it every place I banked. Every place you banked? Yes.

You were a serial bank teller data? Yeah. What I did was, yeah, I had multiple accounts at multiple banks. Are you serious? Yeah. Wait, this was your system? My modus operandi. You had multiple accounts at multiple banks?

Oh, sure. How many banks? Wow. We talked in three banks. In your single days? Single days, yeah, yeah. Like in your mid-twenties, late-twenties? Early, mid-twenties, mid-twenties, yeah, mid-twenties, yeah.

And how many dates would you say this got you? Oh, I would say probably, you know, probably got six different. Really? Yeah. Were these all end-up being girlfriends or no? No, I would say one often became a girlfriend for, you know, three or four months. Really? Bank teller, yeah.

And then a couple other ones just went out a few times? Yeah, he went out a few times, kind of surveyed, you know. Beat it up and tossed it out? You know, but, you know... He doesn't even hear it. I got you. He doesn't even hear it. Oh, this is one.

Now, how old are you now? 64. 64. Yeah. Back in your single days, okay? That's a long time ago. Right, so we're talking, you know, over 30 years ago. When you went out with, you know, you had intimate relations with a woman.

What type of protection did you guys use back then? Oh, we didn't. We just took our chances. I'm going to save the rest of that for next time because we've been at this for a while. This is pre-8s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The worst you could get back then was syphilis or a baby, right? Yeah, that's exactly right.

That is a baby. A baby was more of the concern, too, I think. He didn't give a fuck, though. No. He just dropped loads on every bank teller. Every single one. In America. I think there's somebody at, like, Chase or Citibank now that's a brother or a sister.

Can I tell you, though, I think that his theory is spot-on because bank tellers are... It is. They're usually, like he said, college-educated. Right. They're usually young, good-looking broads put together. They put a lot of good-looking chicks work at banks. Like our Wells Fargo. Yeah, we're...

Remember when he... I told the story. Right, you took a photo of one of the girls. And then I got a call from the bank. Just set up with our friend Ryan. Why, do you want to rob our bank? She's actually a friend of mine. Yeah.

Like, she's come out to my shows now, this girl that you took a photograph of. But she's wonderfully beautiful, put together. So Top Dog knew where to hunt. That dog knew where to hunt. He was giving you knowledge. He was telling you how to do it right. Not so crazy when you think about it. Not so crazy.

Wow, Top Dog. I'd like to hear more about his single life before Charo, because I know that when we're all together at home, it's probably not a good time to talk about that stuff when she's around. But that's the best time to bring up that stuff for her reaction. Because to get her... Yeah. You know what I was actually planning on doing?

When we go home for Christmas... We have to do a Christmas special. Well, you can definitely do a Christmas special. A Your Mom's House Christmas special of just the family. But not just that. I want to put the headphones on her and play her this stuff of my dad talking about his farts. No, not the dating stuff.

I was going to say, are you trying to kill your dad? No, no, no. He's going to get murdered. No, but the fart stuff. Yeah. And then have a recorder going so that when she's listening to him talk about his farts, she just goes absolutely hate shit. Yeah.

And she'll really be like, I don't listen. I don't think he's playing. Disgusting is disgusting. And I don't know why. Why is he planning to be disgusting? So that is, we'll give you more, more... So fucking good though. Top dog stuff next week.

That was really good audio. He really gave... He shared. I've never heard that before. And I've known the dog now for a few years. There's more. There's more coming. There's more.

And we'll get into it next week. So that is our show for this week. Thank you for joining us. Thank you guys. Everybody that joined us live. It was fun. It was fun. And we'll try to do live again next week.

I'm in town. You're in town? No, I leave on Tuesday. When are you... When are you back? Fuck. No. Oh, you go straight from there to Dallas.

Yeah. All right. So we'll have to record earlier in the week. I'm going to do it like on Monday. Maybe on Monday. Yeah. We could do live. We could do a live one again.

On Monday? Sure. Okay. Let's do that. And that's Blue Band. Peace Blue Band. And thank you guys again. Hi, mommies.

We love you. Hey, nigga. Goddamn, Kobe. He's sorry. Black ass motherfucker. Bitch ass motherfucker. Fuck a goat. What I fucking say?

Let the motherfucker ride, nigga. You don't need a three. I don't know. I don't know. Block that shit, Kobe. Goddamn, Kobe. Don't take that little bar. Bar on time, nigga.

Get that motherfucker shot. Take him, Kobe. Drop it. Artist. Goddamn, artist. You black ass motherfucker. Get up. Get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up, motherfucker. Fuck him.

You can't beat me. You can't fuck with me in this game. No, you can't. Why you quit all the time, motherfucker. You like a sorry ass kid. Uh, I quit.