Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Dating Old People w/ Brian Redban | Your Mom's House Ep.693

Episode Date: February 1, 2023

SPONSORS:- Head to https://policygenius.com to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save.Pull your jeans all the way over your head this week with Tim and Kirstin! Christina announces to her first brown ever at the studio, he recently getting over vomit, and no one enjoys sneezes more than Tom. We have a cool guy opening clip, a cool Florida realtor, and Tom and Christina have started playing the pushing game again. Then, we see which mommy has nastier flossing habits.We then welcome comedian and godfather of podcasting, Brian Redban from the Joe Rogan Experience and Kill Tony! They talk about the early days of podcasting, supplementing with Testosterone, and hooking up with old people. We discuss some special people, getting cosmetic work done, Sex and The City, a cool double jointed girl, and Ari Shaffir’s very weird body. We revisit the cool guy that hates dating women in America, breastfeeding, and Christina’s latest TikTok curations.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

How cool is that? Very cool video. I've never seen a filling. Very cool and I would appreciate it a little more stuff like this in the TikTok. My mom always told me if she dies to like sneak in with some pliers and pull out all her silver fillings before she gets like buried. My mom's gold ones. My mom don't ever say that.

Gold? Gold. Gold is worth more. Yeah, mine. And by the way, I will take a hammer to her fucking mouth. I promise you that. Welcome to your mom's house. Here we are and here we go.

Hi. Hi. I want you to know I took my first poop here at the studio at the studio jeans. Really? Thanks guys. Thank you. Wow. I have not pooped here in Austin at the studio and I've only ever dumped once in

Recita at the old place. Cool. I didn't like it. It was really a lot of pressure because I heard everybody running around and like I know Nadav wants me to be here and I was like, it's super stressful. Was it a small one? Yeah. It's like a girl dump.

Pebbles? No, they're not pebbles. It was a healthy swish, but it wasn't like a big dump. You think that's, oh, that's cute. You think I make rabbit dumps? No, I don't. Is that puking? Yeah.

Or piss drinking? No, that was shitting. Oh, cool. Here's you shitting. That is me. That's how I was trying to get it out in time for the show. I got so scared that Nadav would come knocking on the door looking for me. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that was a good dump though? No. It was hurried and labored and I had to push and then, you know. What'd you have for lunch? I had this really great like sweet potato-y type of salad.

Oh. It was really good. Good. But, you know, that's what happens. Yeah. My browns haven't been as prolific as I wanted lately. And I don't know what that, and I eat super spicy, I eat a lot, and it's just like, I don't know what's going on.

What about introducing some more fiber into your diet? I know. I have to. And coffee doesn't do what it used to for me. I've been drinking a lot of it. Yeah. I think I've been drinking too much coffee and now my browns are used to it. Yeah.

I wonder if that's a thing. Could be. I know. Super bummer-y. Bummer. Oh, well. What can you do? There's not much you can do.

You can just sit and pray and hope that you take a better shit the next day. Yeah. There's always tomorrow's dump, you know? There is. There's always. Tomorrow's dumps. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Make your brown dumps. Tomorrow. Yeah. I've been, I've been so good lately. Really? Yeah, for months now, really. I mean, you know, there's a hit and miss stuff, but when it comes to brown, I've really grown. Have you had more explosive ones or less and less?

Less. And what do you attribute that to? Eating healthier. Just eating cleaner. Yeah. Because you're very sensitive. You'll be like, oh, I had sugar and sugar will make me dump, which I've never really believed you when you say that, because I think that's insane that sugar is-

Why is it insane? It's ludicrous that sugar makes you dump. Why? I just don't see how. I understand greasy food, maybe veg, veggies. No, sugar has an effect. Yeah. But why?

High sugar content. Not like anything with any sugar, but if like it's very like, you know, something with a ton of sugar, like a really rich dessert. Like a lava cake. A chocolate lava cake will make you dump. Absolutely. So like, you know, pancakes with tons of maple syrup over. See, that doesn't have that effect on me.

But it does on me. Why is it so hard to register? Can you Google does high sugar content make you brown? I just don't, I don't believe you. I feel like it's correlated to other things in the food, maybe the friedness of the pancake. Maybe the deep, the fried, the butter, the butter. I think it's- Butter can do it.

I think it's butter and grease. Butter and high fat can do it, yeah. I don't know. Some sugars, some sugars. Christina is right. Tom is wrong. Thank you. Okay.

Some sugars and artificial sweeteners can have an elixitive effect. Fructose is a component of table sugar and naturally occurs in fruits. The body can only digest a certain amount of fructose at one time. Consuming more fructose in the body may cause diarrhea. For weak people. For cry babies that can't handle sugar. It's just, it's silly that you can't handle it. What are you talking about?

I just see it as a personal weakness and I wish you would choose to not. What the fuck are you doing? You know that I told you, look, I'm over it, can I say something? Our son's last major sickness, we didn't even discuss it. Our poor son had a fever of 103.5, we were in a hotel room and he wouldn't take the Tylenol or Motrin because he believed it would make him vomit, which it would because it upset his stomach. He puked on me in the plane, on me, and then next to me like five more times.

It was really terrible. It really fucking desensitized that totally. I don't enjoy it. Don't get me wrong. No, but you got better at it. I got a little, I don't like, I don't like seeing it on other people, but when it's your kid that you love, my God. You want to see something kind of gross?

Always. Or watch this. It doesn't count as the opening clip. I've seen it. Yeah. Who do you think sent it in? Oh, I didn't know. I like that the guy just decided, he just zoned in on that guy.

He must've been doing something else before because the guy's filming. That's true. So, Shauna sent this in, our good friend. Really? Yeah, my BFF, Shauna sent this to me. She's like, bro, check this nasty shit out. Yeah, he really. He did it again.

It's amazing. Sucks it. Big snot dangler. I love a good sneeze. Do you know anybody likes a sneeze as much as me? Nobody enjoys their body functions as much as you. You are. I love a good sneeze.

You, and you do, and you're like, God, that felt so good. You love it like an orgasm. Sneezing is, you're very sensual, you know, sense person. You like, I don't want to say sensual isn't sexual, but you are as well, but you vary into your senses. Yeah. And I love the feeling. You love feeling.

Yeah. That. Taking a good piss. Scratching your back. Yeah. Good sneeze. I've seen you scratch your back like a bear, like you rub it against things in the house. Yeah, you very much are into that.

Yeah, but that. Your dad was like that. Yeah, he was. He was. But that's sneezing. I think that might be my favorite. Why do you like it so much? Because it's just such a release.

And it's unexpected. It's like a little gift you get, you know? Yeah. And then you feel like that brain haze where you're like, oh, you know, it feels like you're high for a second. And I like the really powerful ones that you can see everything spray out. I saw one, I did one the other day where this snot shot across the room. That's cool.

It was like a hundred miles an hour and just plastered to the wall. That's neat. And the first thought I had was like, God, I wish Christina would have been here on her neck. You know? I would have turned you. Yeah. You and I have been sneeze tagging each other.

And then you get that feeling. Don't you like that feeling right afterwards or you're like, ooh. I mean, I see it differently. I see taking a dump and like body things as like the relief of a discomfort. And I don't enjoy the relief of discomfort. I prefer not to have the discomfort. Yeah. That's the distinction between.

Don't you feel the sneeze is a gift then? I don't like it. No, I don't enjoy them. I see them as a nuisance, a time waster, something I need to get over to get on to the next thing. Wow. Wow. Well, you're going to like that. I got you a nice opening.

Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Here you go. God, it even takes worse. I don't know why you do that. I don't know, man. I just get me horny.

I use to fuck with people all the time, man. Oh, God. One time I farted in a bottle and I threw my sister and opened it up and she did. She was a kid. She was smart. I could cut you shit like that. You know me. Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone loving food. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,320 Don't bring anyone loving food.

That's my guy. Welcome to your mom's house. Really cool hike. Thanks, Mom Ziggura. Gonna have a shit screen. Shit. To the fucking moms house bitch. Oh, Fading.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Touch my camera to get you fat. Umm. This guy's really cool. Oh, you didn't see the coolest part. The coolest part is actually the clip before it. But I thought that was a better opener. So you ready?

Sure. Oh, no. Why do you keep sniffing your finger? Well, I fucking... I'll tell you a trick. How do you do what? The fucking Betty has a fingerbanger or something. And her pussy's tinks are fucking bad.

No. It just does. Why the fuck do you keep smelling your finger? I don't know, man. It just like... It just keeps sniffing it. It's like... It reminds me of like...

I don't know. Like when you're a kid and you think about it and you shake it and it stinks and then you're like all day long, you're like... Then you go up to like your brother, like I took my little brother and his name was Tommy. And that's just what I was thinking about in his bed. It's not too bad. I said, Tommy, smell this.

He went to fucking. That was that girl I was thinking about. I don't feel good. I get it. I feel sick. What's going on with his mouth? It looks like it's missing some teeth. But are the rest just...

Does he just have buck teeth that's there? It feels like his whole mouth is outside. Yeah. Something's definitely wrong over there. I'm like, what's up with the... Are the pants inside out and the pockets are... Yeah, he's doing fashion choices. Yeah.

All right. Florida trash? Well, he could be. He could be Vegas trash. Which all Vegas you're right. That's like desert trash. It could be. It's different than ocean trash.

Yeah. It could be AZ trash. He's barefoot. I mean, that's a cool thing. That's a toss up between Arizona and Florida. Let me see if it tells us where it is here. My favorite is... Oh, my God.

This says it's in Pennsylvania. Oh, Pennsylvania trash. It's a whole new lane for us. Interesting because the caption says, every guy has done this. I'm like, really? Every guy? Have you guys all done this?

Yeah. With finger blastings? Yeah. Yeah. Everybody sniffs a finger and then try to put your finger in somebody else's face to smell it. Yeah. God, you guys are so gross.

Yeah. We're pretty gross. I'm so glad we don't have daughters to worry about gross shit like this guy. And that finger buying girl smell bad. Yeah. God. Yeah.

This guy's alive and he drives around. Yeah. He exists among us. Yeah. He's kind of gross. He's such a mess. Is he even... That pussy's tank is a fucking bad.

No. You and that girl had the same reaction. You really went like, ugh. Well, is he drunk or is he just stupid? Drunk or stupid? That's the second part. I don't think they are mutually exclusive. As we have discovered on this show.

I think he's a little bit of everything. A little bit of everything. I'll go back up to Betty. She said, I said, if you fucking watch that thing, I'll bang you. I'll bang her. Even if she did it. But I was right and I'm a horned fucker.

I just told her that. And I hope it smells a little bit better than this. God, I'm the one who takes it. He's gross. Later. Later. I like the woman's laugh. Like that deep hearty cigarette moose.

The moose soup lady kind of laugh. Oh, yeah. Hey, Charlie! Yeah. Come on, man. You're doing good. You guys are doing good. I mean, this guy, he is something.

He's the neighborhood guy. Imagine you're seeing him around the neighborhood? Oh, man. Oh, man. Do you think he tried to finger you? This guy? Yeah. He tries to finger everybody.

No, see, I think he knows not to approach like the people that have it together. Nice ladies like me. Yeah. No, he won't try to finger me. No. Ugh. This guy's... He's not going to help you carry your groceries, but...

This guy is an absolute mess. Yeah. Like, remember the Florida trash guy? He made some decisions a while ago and things went this way. Like, I don't even know how this man functions at all. I know he's doing this weird body, twitch stuff. At all. You know, the brain is kind of deteriorating.

At all. Like the other guy, the Florida trash guy with the rocks from the last episode? Yeah, way more together. That guy's a fucking scientist compared to this guy. Yeah. This guy couldn't balance a rock. That's what I mean. There's not a chance.

He can't even... Not a chance. He can't even balance rocks, this guy. This guy is totally useless to humanity. That's the bare minimum we're looking for. Can you balance a stack of rocks? I don't think he can. Yet, he gets a finger blast from a girl this morning.

Like, this guy got laid today? Yeah. Unreal. Listen, nobody wants to talk about it, but life insurance is really important, especially if you have a family. And listen, life insurance typically gets more expensive as you get older. So now is the time to buy it. Right now, right now, Policy Genius was built to modernize the life insurance industry.

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Head to policygenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com. Oh yeah. Yes. Let me help you with that decision, so reach out to me. Reach out to me. I know, I saw this, yeah.

You saw it, too? Yeah, I was trying to figure out, reach out to me. Reach out to me. Well, that part, it's all without the pronunciation. I mean, the one thing is that she tries to not break her smile through the entire thing, so that's why I think her diction is so strange. It's because she goes, if you go in for a lot of daily, and she tries to keep smiling the whole time that she's saying the thing.

Yeah. So she doesn't ever actually break. She's like, if you want a thousand a square foot and four a lot of it, or, and then smile, and then if you go to, you know, she's going, and my eye is two thousand a square foot. So she's not breaking her smile or blinking. And body language. If you don't blink, that's always.

She's trying to appear casual. Right. But I don't, here's what I think really happened. Okay, are you ready? Yeah. They were like, Heather, you're a realtor. You need to be on TikTok. Oh, I thought you were going to say she was molested.

Okay, great. Heather, you need to be on TikTok. And she's like, woods tick tock. Oh. And then they're like, you have to make a video. And she's like, I'm super nervous. And they're like, just drink a lot. And I think she probably had like two glasses.

I think she's a little tipsy. I never thought of that. And then it looks weird. Around a thousand a square foot or under. So she's nervous. Right. Because if you're trying to keep it together and you're nervous, but you had a drink, then you.

Yeah, like she might just be hammered because she's nervous. Not hammered, but fucking plastered. A couple of glass of wine. Yeah. Knock the nerves off. Yeah. Yeah. And then it came out looking really forced.

Got you. Because I like her vibe. I like that she's hustling. You know, I appreciate that. Yeah. But like that she talks like she's from Romy and Michelle's high school reunion. Yeah. She's got that weird accent.

We're right. What's that accent? Is it? What's her name? Mura Cervino? She talks like that too, Romy. There's a weird accent in South Florida. What's that accent?

I mean, this one. But she said house, which is not South Florida. Which is Canadian. Yeah. She has a weird accent and Romy and Michelle. Yeah. That's how she talks there. God damn it.

Yeah. Where is that high school supposed to be? I'm not. I think Los Angeles. I'm an outskirt part of LA. Romy and Michelle. Oh, so funny. She was a Janine Grafels and then she's the best.

You're in Venice? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, that's pretty cool. You know what I was thinking about the other day? What?

Is that we brought back the pushing game. Oh, yeah. We started that again. Yeah. It's fun. We started doing the pushing game before we had children. Like how long? A million years ago in Redondo, we would go through these walks.

You shoved the other person. You shoved the other person into the bushes. Yeah. The problem with the pushing game is that you're a lot stronger than me. So you just tap me and then I go flying into bushes. Yeah. People think they're witnessing domestic abuse. Yeah.

I can't exactly play. I have to catch you really out guard. You can, but you also shoved me way harder. I have to. You're much bigger than me. You don't have to. I do. It's abusive.

And I got you at Sneeze Tag. Remember, where were we? Yeah, you gotta be good. And I'm going to get you back on that one. And a lot more fluid leaves my nose when I sneeze than when you do. But we were somewhere very inappropriate when you did it. Were we in like a kid's school or something and they sneezed at you? I think you may have been.

Pretty hard. You're going to get gut, believe me. You're going to get gut. Get your gut, gut. Can't do my dates before we get into stuff. We've gotten into stuff. You mean you want to do them now? Yeah.

Christina P. Online, you guys. I'm in Up Your Addison, Texas, February 2nd, 3rd, and 4th. Portland, Oregon, one night. March 31st. All right. Third time. April 1st. Rohnert Park, California.

Second. Scronert Park, I would say. April 29th. Chicago. Jizzanoy. Sniff that one. April 4th. 30th.

At JizzWalky. Millwalk. Milk. Socky. JizzConson. You got some milk, God. May 13th. Charles Town, West Virginia.

Also, I've been shadow banned by Instagram. Go ahead and follow me at the Christina P. Fight the Power, okay? I know they're blocking my content. It's very controversial. They've finally caught on. I've been wanting to play this clip so bad that I keep forgetting and I finally remembered and I sent it in. And so Al Harrington, who played in the NBA for a while, was on this podcast, I guess

it's called The Weed Bar, and he played in the era. He played in the early 2000s for sure, so he played against Michael Jordan. He was telling these guys. They're like, what's, you know, everybody wants Michael Jordan stories. So this is, it's one of the best things I've ever heard. I played against so many wizards. Okay, so was he talking shit with the wizards? That's what I'm saying, yeah.

What's he saying? Like on the court? They're calling the niggas hoes. Oh, everything. You know, hoes. Come here, hoes. You bitch ass, I'll tell you. You know, hoes.

We talk to you, hoes. Now, he was talking hella shit, bro. He was just, I mean, bro, he was Michael Jordan, bro. Even when he was playing at 41 years old, he's one of the top 20 players in the league. So he's telling the story that, you know, when, like Jordan retired, it was a big, right, from the Bulls, came back a few years later, and now he's definitely passed his prime place on the wizards, but he's so good that even at 41, he's one of, like he said, one of the top 20 players in the league.

It's amazing. And he's saying that Jordan called everybody ho, come here, ho, and all this, right? So then he tells more here. The game that we got into, I mean, get into it, but he called me a ho, and I did say something back. What'd you do? What'd you say? I didn't know ho.

You said that? What the fuck did you mean? What did I say? I ain't, you know what I'm saying? I ain't saying forcefully. Like, I wanted to fuck him up. It's like, I didn't know ho. And he said, but the way I'm seeing it, it sounds like hell, I didn't really want to

say it. I know ho. I ain't no ho. I ain't no ho. I ain't no ho, man. And then Jordan told him, you are a ho. So that game, bro, he had 41. Yeah.

I had 35, but they won. They beat us in overtime. Yeah, but you want a ho? You want a ho? Yeah. He sent me, so this is what the nigga do, though. The nigga sends me his shoes after the game. Best wishes.

Keep playing hard. I ain't even asking for his shoes. Oh, he respected. Oh, wow. Did he respect you or did he send me? He sent you. Because I didn't ask for his shoes. Yeah.

It's pretty great. Is it respect or is it? Or is he just like, good job. Like, you know. Good job, ho. Yeah. Do you want to see what ugly shoes I wore for you today? Yeah.

You ready? Sure. These aren't as disgusting as my other ones, but they're pretty bad. Jesus. What do you think? They're not attractive. Can you guys see the color? Like, I'm wearing these hocas.

These are really my jams. I've really seen a lot of soccer moms. See, here's a problem. Is that like, because of my, I have to, I walk five miles a day, right? That's a hob and like losing weight and stuff. Yeah. And I walk all day, right? I don't care about looks as much as function, plus my ankle was broken.

Yeah. I wish, why can't they just make a good looking shoe that can support me? Like, why can't fucking Prada make a shoe that- Doesn't have to be Prada. Well, just like a nice shoe. There's so many shoe companies. Like, why can't they build, there are so many shoe companies. Why can't they build in like orthopedics in like a nice shoe?

Why do they always have to look like shit is what I'm saying. There's like, Vionics, those, those look like shit too. I mean, I wore them when I was pregnant, but like, they're not hot. Yeah. I mean, how hard would it be for like a nice shoe company to build an orthopedic shoe that doesn't look like a crazy person when you wear them? Sure. Yeah, those are not cool at all.

Those look like shit. Yeah, they do. Also, I wanted to notice you've had food in between your teeth for 23 minutes. And I was like, how long should I let him? Where is it? It's in between your two friend teeth. It's like a black dot. Yeah, doesn't look good.

It's still there. And then you've got food next to that. Well, thanks for waiting. That's what I was debating. Like, should I just let you go? Why would you let it go? No, it'd be fun. It was like my little secret for the last 20 minutes.

Cause I would like, you would be in the middle of a thought and I didn't want to like, bum you out. It's still there. You just pushed it deeper in. You got to get it. Just take a string out of your sock and floss with it. Here, let me help you. Why?

I do it all the time. I do it on airplanes. I'm good. Push. No, thank you. You're good. Thank you. You're so bougie.

I don't want that. You don't do that. I don't want that. What do you have to do when you have to floss? What do you mean? What do you do on the road when you have to floss? You know, just take a string. I take a business card.

And that works for you? Yeah. Let me see how you do it. Come on. Let's see. I'm not sure which strategy is worse though. Me pulling a sock string. Yeah.

Or you doing what you're doing right now. What you're about to do. Why? Because I think I can just see how vulgar this is going to be. Disgusting. Actually, I think I might be out right now. Someone find a business card or just a business. Does anyone have one so I can see my husband's disgusting method?

It's great. I love it. Let's determine who's nastier right now with getting food out of their teeth. Well, it works for me. I usually have at least somebody's business card. As you guys are looking for a business card. Yeah. Here's my method.

I'll show you what I do. Okay. I go to the sock. I find a string. I like to go to the edge here. It's usually where I do. I do this on planes if you ever see me. Ah.

Well, when you're in a pinch, man, you eat tacos before that flight. I give you the fuck on a bus. Look. Right now look. Okay. You got my string. And if it's between. Oh my God.

And then you floss that shit out. You want it? 00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:45,320 No. Can we find them a business card? Yeah. We're flying one in. Okay.

See, this string is so fat it's got two so you can just pull it apart and that's an even thinner piece of floss. Yeah. Thanks, Chad. Cool. See. Thank you. No, was that worse?

Oh, this is great. I was watching what you're about to see. Well, these are all great. These are so good. How do you know? Walk me through your process. Wow. So this is paper.

So this has a little more. It's way grosser than that. Thickness and texture. And these are glossy. So these might be for tighter gaps and this is for a bigger gap. Okay. And then you just take the edge here. Oh, this is a good edge.

It still has like some support. But it's filthy. It's been up against money. Gone. It's gone. I'm going to barf. That was... I'm going to fucking puke.

There it is. Oh, my God. I'm going to throw up. Another one next to it. I'm going to fucking throw up. That was the grossest shit I've ever seen you do. Okay. That's it.

We're done. Oh, my God. Who's grosser? I'm right. I'm right. Look, this... See how this edge is still really, really, really supported? It goes right there.

Fucking throw up. There's it. Yeah. Went right through it. I'm going to keep these for when I floss later. But, hold on. What? You know, you're not concerned that those cards have been mashed against dirty money.

I know they've been. And that doesn't bother you? No. There's so much bacteria that you just put in your mouth, bro. This is how you get strong. I'm strong. So, go ahead. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Go ahead. So, what's the bacteria that you just put in your mouth, bro? This is how you get strong. I'm strong. So, guys in the booth, what was more horrendous? Me pulling a sock string and flossing with that or what you saw my husband just do? The sock.

Stop, Chad. The sock is gross. It's both pretty disgusting, but sock is gross. I fucking... Walk us through your logic. I fucking defy you. The audience at home, you guys vote. You tell me.

Tell her. Let them tell you what. You guys, like, there's no way is what I do grosser. Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. No, let them tell you. Not you. Fine.

My clean sock on my clean skin is grosser than what you fucking saw. You keep yelling at them and you don't let them talk. I'm so upset. I can't even fathom their stupid fucking logic. You know what? You're just like... Go ahead. Okay, go ahead.

Go ahead. Walk me through it. You're just like... Like, Tom has gunk on the business cards that he's putting in there, but you're like weird, sweaty stuff like on your socks. First of all, it's on the rim of the sock. It's here at the ankle. It's not sweaty.

That's why it's too... I'm clean. I'm very hygienic. It's fine. Right near the floor. Yeah. For me, it's something that's been touching feet versus something that's been touching hands.

Hands. Yeah. The business cards have mostly been touching hands. Money is the most disgusting, bacteria-laden thing on the planet. You know, filthy money is? Money is grosser than my foot. You know, it just feels good. I'm gonna puke.

Zolo, what's your rationale here? You guys are so wrong. Okay. Same. Yeah. The string feels like sweaty, dirty, like dirt's getting kicked up onto it. I'm gonna get hurt, so I'm ready to come. That's how I feel right now.

I'm a girl. The business card could be clean. It could be a new one. You don't know. It's not. There was no money in my wallet when I pulled those out. And that's how I like to keep my guys. No money in their wallet.

I mean, okay, these boys have spoken, but mommy's in the real world. Let us know. I really do think that I am cleaner here. I'm sniffing another victory for Tom on this one. Let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. And we are back and this is a real treat. We are welcoming back to the show, the grandfather, the bridge builder, the original pioneer, the founder of your mom's house.

It's Red Band, everybody. Hey, mothers. How are you doing? Hi. I miss you guys. That's where it spits. We were so excited to have you come in today. I know.

I just, I almost forgot that I'm like, oh yeah, I always, I see you around town sometimes or, you know, I see you kill Tony, I was like, you got to come back on. Yeah. The last time I was on was that gross story I told about the butt, maybe? I don't know. Yeah. Constantly comes up on my recommended videos. It was shit.

It was shit out of someone's butt. You made shit out of her ass and you pushed it back into her ass and wiped my face on her butt. Whoa. Yeah. See, that's why I love you. I think that. That was a porn star.

Yes. But don't you feel like, because Red Band is so open and your, I would say your personality and who you are really informed the podcasting space. You know what I mean? Like your willingness to be open will make us be more open, et cetera, and so on and so forth. We're just scary now though. I don't think, you know, you look back, you know, 10 years ago of those podcasts, I can't

believe I said that. I used to have a podcast called The Sexual Harassments of Brian Red Band where I just have young girls on how to sexually harass them. I had to pull that off. Of course. But no, I mean, it's totally different though. I'm scared of like the old days of, you know, being that open now and stuff. Really?

Yeah, I'm kind of scared. What are you afraid? I mean, just getting canceled every day. There's somebody new getting canceled. Not so much anymore. How can you get canceled? What can they say from you? That's true.

You're a podcast guy. Right. Yeah. Can't stop you from podcasting. Right. True. True. I guess.

You're on the pirate ship, bro. You're good. I guess. I've been with someone the same person for a while. Yeah. How does she handle like old story about, let's say, you eating shit out of someone's ass? Well, that's the best thing is I met her off Snapchat, which is disgusting. But she, I mean, she was a super fan.

She like listened to every single episode of Rogan, every single, your mom's house. Like she knows, she knew everything about me. And so she sent me a message and she got in my DMs. And then when I started dating her and stuff like that, every time I would say something like, oh, that's, she goes, I already know who that is. That's the one that, you know, shitting her mouth. And you know, I'm like, yeah. She was cool with it.

Yeah. She's really cool with it. That's a good thing. Yeah. It's kind of an ideal because, you know, it's, it's interesting because now when I do stand up, I forget that people know an awful lot about me and you and every, and you just forget and they're like, no, Christina, because, because you like to take a shit in the morning and you're like, yeah, you know that, but maybe it's nice.

That very rare quality of yours. Well, you know what I mean. But I am very specific. I very rarely shit other than in the morning. Really? I drink, I have a very strict regimen. I wake up, I drink my coffee, I take a shit and I exercise. It's in that order.

And if it's out of order, then my whole day is fucked. Just one shit a day. Yeah. Generally. Except for today, I had made a boom, boom here in the office and I never do that. What's your shit routine like? Wake up shit. Have a coffee shit.

You know. Two shits already. Have a cigarette and then go take a shit. Three shits. Oh, I should all the time. But I, you know, I think, I think it's more of like, I just think I have to shit maybe because sometimes it's like, why don't I even do that, you know, I could save that up for next shit.

It's because it's not a substantial amount. Right. It's just kind of, yeah. It's a little bit of kind. I think I'm just having an eager butt to shit. I don't know. Like, I feel like I always have to shit. Really?

Yeah. How's your diet? Yeah. Yeah. That's part of it. Yeah. Postmates, you know. What are you, what are you mating right now?

What's your jam? Uh, you know, I, I'm so sick of all the food. I live somewhere where it's pretty awesome and awful at the same time. It's every single, like in and out, Wendy's and Donald's, like everything you could possibly want franchise wise, but no, like really nice, like mom and pop restaurants at all. So it's more like, I don't know, Jersey subs, Jersey mikes or whatever. And you got to get away from that. Yeah.

I know. I know. You're going to start shitting less. You think it is? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I need to do that.

I just started tea and, uh, you know, because I just have zero energy. I noticed like maybe like COVID at time, my energy level went from like, I don't know, six, seven to like two, like get out of bed, just want to go back to bed, like barely get off the couch. You know, it got really bad. I got some low dose tea. I got some tea. Yeah.

What did you test for? Do you know, like your number? What it was? Yeah. I think it was like 300. 300. And mine was like 240. And they said that it was low.

And then my, what's the woman's stuff estrogen or whatever. Was so high. It was almost dangerous that they were like, we got to keep an eye on that too. So I'm pretty much as a woman. So you're transitioning back to being a man. I learned that, um, I didn't know that women have more testosterone than estrogen. I just learned that. No.

Yeah. That's not healthy woman. Oh, I only learned it from, uh, Andrew Huberman, the neuroscientist from, uh, Stanford, but you're probably right. Oh, but doesn't testosterone get converted into estrogen? Look, I just know. It converts though. It does for me.

Yeah. Because I, I too am in the market for hormonal things because I think I'm perimenopausal. Yeah. And she said that, yeah, women do have testosterone in their bodies. But women have more testosterone than estrogen. It gets converted to estrogen. Maybe that's why we have it. I don't know.

Sounds like you made that up. Why would I make that up? Because you say that kind of stuff when you don't know. Right, man. What's grosser? Me flossing with a string I pulled from my sock. A string, obviously. It's disgusting.

My gross. That's by your dirty feet, man. Oh, four, four. Can I tell you something? Just when I think I, I'm always worried, like, am I a space alien? Do I belong here? Am I fucking weird? And then I think I'm on the right planet and then shit like this happens and I'm convinced

I'm a space. I'm not meant to be here. You guys are better than me. I usually get out of the shower, peel my toenail back and then just use my toenail. And then I bend it and then it flicks across the room and Janice steps on it and gets even mad at me. Oh, my God. This is why I love you so much.

You're so nasty. I love you. You're so nasty. How much, how much are you taking? Uh, I don't, it's like once a week. I think it's, is it four, 140? Did you inject it? 140?

Units. Did you fill up a syringe? They just do it. Put it in my ass. 140 units? Maybe? God damn. Okay.

I don't know. What's your, what's your testing at now? Uh, I don't know. I just got tested last week. So I find out tomorrow. But, uh, but yeah, I haven't felt anything though. It's only been six weeks or so. I haven't felt anything.

I thought it was going to be like, I don't know, I don't really feel it yet. Okay. Because they're giving it to like menopausal women now and it's supposed to make you all fucking apt. And like. What's that? The tea? Yeah.

Makes you all sexual and like. I have. Yeah. Definitely more sexual. That's, that's, that's changed. It's great. I mean, I don't know. We'll see.

We'll see. I got, I got blood tests and stuff in the, in the works. We'll see. Yeah. You got to do this test. That was interesting. Cause they were, they went through everything. You know, you always think that you're dying.

Yeah. Like especially my liver. I'm always like, oh God, I don't want to hear about my liver. But they're like, everything's fine. You know, you're just a little low on vitamin D. They always say that. Yeah. Everybody.

Yeah. Yeah. I can't wait to get on that tea and shrink all this fat up here. Like. The boobs. All that chest fat. Yeah. And then, yeah.

And then grow penis. It'd be cool. You know that some women can grow facial hair from it. I know. That's why I'm afraid of it. That's kind of the hottest thing I've ever seen. Chin hairs. We can shave our faces together.

You can shave the same day. Yeah. It's my favorite day of the week. Mine too. I love shaving. This girl I dated used to have like straggler nipple hairs. I've heard of this. And that was one time I was like sucking on them and it got caught in between my two

front teeth and I pulled it back out and it got stuck in my teeth and she goes. Puerto Rican girl. Yeah. You like Puerto Rican guys. Love Puerto Rican. She does. You remember. Oh yeah.

I remember that. I love Puerto Ricans. I love Latins in general. Hence this Latin meat. There's Latin daddy right here. Do I like Puerto Ricans? Yeah. Yeah I do.

It's been a while though. How long have you been with your girl now? I think like seven years. Dang. Seven years? Yeah. It's so crazy right? Yeah.

Seven years. Yeah. Are you guys going to get married you think? I mean we both kind of like, yeah I guess. You know we're not in a rush. You know. I mean in Texas though if she lives with me three years she's my wife or something like that.

Commonwealth. There's that Commonwealth shit here. Oh. Yeah so. You got to get her a fucking another place. Yeah. Yeah. I know.

No but we're not in a rush and you know like if we want a baby there's so many Asian babies we could just say it's ours you know we could get pretty easily. That's a good point. Does she want to have babies? She's so small and I don't know. I think that it would wreck her. She's so small? Yeah it would wreck her.

How small is she? How small is she? She's like five feet. Five feet. Yeah that can wreck her. It does. It can. Somebody at the grocery store like we were in line and the cashier was talking to us

and she, you guys, your daughter's so well behaved. It's a true story and I was like oh you know and then we saw it we you know it's the same cashier we see almost every week right so the next time we came back I was like massaging her and you know and like in the back when we were waiting in line and stuff like that creepy. So creepy. Fucking what this poor HEB cashier. I've gone to so many places that thought that she was my mom.

She was like, there's your mom. So rude. Yeah you get the sweetest mom I'm like I know. My dad and I went on a vacation one time and I was 28 and people thought we were a couple and I felt so fucking sick inside. I have never had it happen so much like I did on vacation in Argentina. I went with my mom when I was 21 or 22. So I'm like you know fresh out of college and she's what you know she's probably in

a 50s right like no yeah she's in her 50s she's maybe like I don't know 55 so she's like at least you know she's not old like she you know but she's not and there's like this 30-something year age gap everywhere we went they were like oh and your boyfriend and she's like that's my son and they were like oh okay it's almost like they didn't believe her and they didn't believe me like they treated us like we're ashamed of our real relationship so we're saying right you know and the truth is we you know I don't know she has more olive skin and I'm so fair skin so people were like yeah right yeah that's hilarious yeah and they were uncomfortable they'd be like do you want to view in your

um I go mom they go yeah your mom you want to see it I'm like oh my god it is so gnarly when they start suggesting it yeah I mean you can't and I remember thinking because my father and I look very much alike yeah like you can't see the family resemblance dipshit yeah I don't know but I guess a lot of older dudes with like young blonde girls that's the norm but it's otter is otter's right word chat otter otter it's otter then you mean more odd yeah it's more odd that they would think like some old skinny blonde ladies with like a hot 20-something dude I know and I was like I was at my best I was like you think I'm fucking this old bro that was peaked hum I mean yeah that's what I'm

saying that's when I snapped you like a 60 year old maybe that was common there more common probably you know maybe yeah I did get hit on by like some old like really hit on aggressively by some older ladies oh so that's cool yeah but older for me at the time was like a lady in her you know mid 30s or something not a 60 year old right yeah have you ever been with an older woman like one time I thought this absolute animal that was I mean I love the story she looked like a bulldog yeah that was I mean I was also about 21 can you walk me through this this more in detail because you kind of glossed over it but I want to go into detail how did you mean were you drunk she's drunk beyond drunk is

the drunkest of a blackout complete blackout to the point that I learned later that I had made out with an older lady a lady 25 years older than me that I was working with that I had zero recollection of zero recollection of and I had other people like looking at me like hey aren't you gonna say hi and I said like oh hi nice to meet you and they're like nice to meet you like my tongue was on her throat at that I had zero recollection that's not the lady I fucked it's a different lady at the same party so the way that it actually went down was it I ended up just you know just getting hammered and it's really where I learned that you don't hook up at work because I hooked up with five women at this

job but I was also 21 you know kid I was a kid and I was like oh I'm in this pussy haze I don't know what to do so I I fucked an intern a secretary a producer like all these different people this one though this this particular lady I just remembered that I had cuz you know when you black out sometimes you have like fragments of memory like you know like a look like some you remember one thing and then you're like I don't know what else happened I remember being at this bar people from work and then I remember that I was at this lady's house on her living room floor you know naked and I remember I remember that I was kissing down her chest and when I got to her navel she grabbed my face and

she goes you don't want to do that she knew she knew like you're gonna be sick if you do that so I was like alright and then I think I I probably put it in like I was not capable of completing the sexual act so I think I just slammed it in her a few times and she was like you know why don't you go to bed I don't know I woke up and I was completely like that panic thing you have it I think when you fly internationally to like like an eighth different times over you wake up you're like the fuck where am I and then if you black out where you're like where and I had no idea where I was so it's actually like this terrifying feeling when you when you wake up and you go like like what room is it I was it she had fold she had fold all your

like clothes and made breakfast actually that's that's an important detail that's an important detail when I when I kind of realized in my head that I was like I don't know where I'm at and I and I got nervous I turned and I saw her and I'd never seen a more unattractive life right I mean I was like I was like oh my god and then it hit me what I'd done and I was like and of course I mean I'm polite and I also am like trying to stay calm right so I'm not gonna like flip out so she's like good morning you know and I'm like hi I'm like oh yeah I'm sure she goes wow you really you know she's making comments about I'm like she goes I'm gonna take a shower and I was like okay and so what I'd she gives it she goes in the bathroom when I

remember I got up I go I'm gonna get the fuck out of here so I'm like where are my clothes I don't know where my clothes are and I realize oh like I find like a sock on the stairs and so the clothes are like all over the stairs and there I get dressed and I go into the kitchen and I'm like and I see on her refrigerator are report cards for her like kids in high school right like her kids are like in eighth grade and like 10th grade or so I'm like oh my god and I go I gotta get the fuck out of here well of course you probably put it together but a few seconds later it occurs to me that I didn't drive there and I don't know where I am so then I go like oh I gotta wait so I was like about to leave and I was like I don't know where I am and I don't have a car I don't know

anything so I just that it's the longest I've ever you know waited I'm just like and she's like do me to make you I'm like no I'm ready to go you know I'm ready to go I just want to get home so she finally you know she can we get in the car and she drives me and I'm just like I mean dying for this ride to be over and I'm just yeah oh no that would be nice yeah and then she finally pulls up drop to my spot and she goes well and I go yeah and she leans over for a kiss and I give her my cheek you know I go she kisses my cheek I'm like I get out of there and I'm like yeah like you know I try to wash it off and you know I say this I tell the story on stage later but I I remember that I was so mortified you know and I was just so mortified that I had done that and I was like

well no one no one will ever know this you know like I left there with her and it's literally the next day my buddy calls me and he was like dude and I go yeah he goes how was your night I go I try to downplay it I got not so bad you know he goes not so bad he goes I know what you did and I go no he's like yeah I go how do you know he goes because you fucked my aunt really Kiran it's kind of stinky pussy your aunt that looks like a rescue dog that's why I don't want to do this like 24 and me's because of like those kind of things like I'm going to find out later that oh I'm 23 I always do that like one extra one

but but I'm scared like you're I'm going to do that and find out like oh I have like three kids you might you realize if you see something say something's for danger right like nobody could have told her that it's not for saying words that's like if somebody leaves a backpack at the gate at the airport yeah it's such a retarded thing to say I love those Johnny Carson eyes anyway sorry I'm afraid of those notifications too whenever they come from 24 and me yeah because I'm like dude where is my long-lost brother and sister because I know my dad your dad

definitely spread that seed around I would be surprised if I didn't have right siblings I'm I never clicked that shit I'm like I don't want to know dude yeah that whole shit freaks me out or what if you were like in a bad part of town he's spit on the ground and then like the next day somebody got murdered there and they got your DNA and then you're you know I don't want that shit that's a real red band you're weird not me I know that was so you thank you for doing that yeah yeah are you retarded that's your mom right yeah

I've heard that voice before if you see something say something if you see something say something see what that's a weird part of today's world is that not only do you have to monitor your language but now I have to monitor other people's language and who do you report it to who do you report it to excuse me do you have a manager here call the police police 911 what's your emergency someone said retarded can you send an ambulance the thought police I mean it's just bizarre I tell you what though I've I've fallen in love with special people uh more ever since tiktok came out half of my tiktok like I follow all these

families and stuff it's great retarded families yeah you just did yeah I could I could share you a couple there's one it's like this guy loves scooby-doo a lot it's okay doesn't listen to Elon Musk the president of the united states does not have meetings with Elon Musk that is fucking hey here come come come come give me that's fucking retarded I know I'm not supposed to say that but that's fucking retarded biden there you go here's morgan got a lot of face meat these days I didn't realize yeah I think because he got kicked off of his show yeah see oh yeah he lost a show and he ate his feelings a little bit it's a nice round face he's got it don't look good there

did you hear what he uh Kanye said about uh Chappelle the other day that he gets all his jokes from Owen Benjamin yeah yeah what? how did Kanye know who Owen Benjamin is? I know that's pretty amazing Kanye's pretty well versed in a certain segment of the population yeah yeah yeah that's where I got my teacup I got my teacup Pierce Morgan's gonna have bad plastic surgery mark my words yeah yeah I think we're gonna see some stuff coming down for that guy we went because we've been discussing celebrities with bad face work and I feel like he's a prime candidate he could be the next he's been shunned by the you know he might go into that yeah he might hopefully because of us shaming him would you ever get

anything yeah I've done Botox and filler but I haven't done it in a year I will I would like to get my eyes done eventually because my eyelids are droopy um but I don't know I get a little Brian Callan work done on your eyes what do you have that in the phone? he has droopy eyes so now you just got everything suppose I cut up because his eyes were all these made himself a real round eye my girlfriend wants to get her forehead shortened I guess that's a popular thing yeah I guess oh what I don't know I think they take like the skin here and then like pretty much pull your hairline down a little I don't know it's a Korean thing is it really yeah I think Koreans love doing that oh you can do it Jesus Christ type in Korean yeah there you go that's the first thing that came

up yep I don't know why she wants to do that forehead reduction surgery surgery for wide foreheads and high hairlines which reduces the length of forehead through resection along the hairline and by lowering scalp cool I mean do she I guess she feels her forehead is too large it's not it's not like that it's not like that yeah it's not like that now I would agree with her if if like you know I think she's just like I don't want to be a moonhead or moon face or something like that so she no these poor ladies I know they're like really no she's beautiful your girlfriend's gorgeous she doesn't need this but I don't like the look like like you said like there's some celebrities where you just see them you're like oh god what is with this guy now like the eyes or

something he's got that like I don't know carrot top look yeah or something like that too much it's too much yeah yeah would you so you wouldn't do anything probably not no no okay I'm trying to look what are you gonna do you're gonna get a little fillers in your apples yeah yeah no I think I'll I think I'll stick to um what is it called what was this what was the the plastic surgery thing called worst celebrity plastic surgery oh here it is yeah no we were talking about well Simon Cowles was crazy yes that's shit so this is him before yeah and he looks great there he started to smooth it out there right should I stop right there stop right there stop it's Botox that's the thing you gotta stop you gotta stop a little bit of filler a little bit of Botox

stop and so you could tell that like he's taken care of this and he could have just started working out more right like he used to be a probably a little fitter I know where you're going I know the next picture yep that's it and it's like his teeth too he's looks oh what the hell is it he just did it that's now he went further that's not real yeah what's wrong with his mouth that looks like one of those fake mouths that they they put like a CGI on top to make somebody else talk that's the same guy that's crazy I can't get over it like I can't stop looking that is a wild that is wild same guy you know what it is too is that he lost weight and he got into shape and and when you lose that face fat maybe the plastic surgery settled differently

because it doesn't have face fat I don't know that looks crazy dude oh my god I think I'll just age I think it'll help um not fixing it just because as a comedian like all your flaws you can be like well I got this ugly fucking face yeah I'm just stupid yeah mold it's fine yeah no one wants to see you just stand up like being all looking cute no I don't think so like you know like there are like hot comedian like hot like you know and I don't know I like them old and fat and wrinkly and dopey too well I mean the hot comedians there are some hot guy and girl comedians and um they nobody knows who they are yeah I think I think guys we're lucky I don't think you like you should ever get anything done unless it's something major like drooping eyes or something

like that you know but women I could see more yeah I mean women just turned into weird gross looking beast you know just turn all stupid and gross yeah yeah what oh yeah follow me ho yeah yeah that's true stupid bitches yeah those four bitches they need to help out you know all the help they can get yeah yeah definitely and you guys get judged way harsher than we do I guess I mean we actually get lucky like people we start to go gray people like oh that looks great right the gray in your beard looks great and plus young girls seem to love guys like dads now and dadbots that's so popular right now I guess but can I tell you what women have been embracing since the pandy is letting themselves go gray and that's been a thing and I fucking hate it I hate fat models and I don't like

this I'm gonna go gray thing it looks like it looks like shit it looks like shit just go to the salon just call your hair sweeties nobody likes it it doesn't look cute and they'll be like a girl who's like 34 I know she's like yeah I just let it go gray why well we're all gray by 34 but like fucking cover it I don't like it yeah and you know what's even worse is when older women get that like that pink hue or whatever like a weird color of gray yeah these bows right here look at them yeah look dumb bitch dumb dumb broad god what are you trying to be what is this just makes you look way older yeah it does like okay the new sex in the city Cynthia Nixon's character she used to be a redhead and then she let herself go gray and she looks fucking terrible that whole that whole

that whole reboot is horrible it's horrible I'm hoping everyone that's lying to Bobby Lee like that was great of course but Bobby was the highest party Bobby was the hardest but still that uh it's such a woke in the city it sucked yeah there she goes gray so down there Cynthia Nixon she goes gray it's not it looks she looks much older I think yeah she looks cute there are many more changes coming for Miranda oh what a thrill she's she's a lesbo now yeah but I think she's gonna be transitioning in the next season shut the front door really that's the change that would be hilarious they're like I'm gonna swallow her girlfriend is unbearable too on the show unbearable oh the comic girl are you a horrible character I'm sure in real life whatever I don't know what she is like and

right but the character is just unbearable they really fucked up this franchise they piss me off I cannot are you a big sex dude I went to the movie theater to see Sex in the City in Dubai or whatever it was great who's your favorite character of course who do you think it is Carrie no I'm a charlotte geez you know it's funny most guys do like charlotte Tom which one are you how do they like charlotte I've asked him before I'm like which girl do you like which one and he's like charlotte because she's the most normal of the four it's most fuckable and oh and she's most best bestest looking yeah she's hot she's fucking hot yeah charlotte's super pretty yeah although she got a lot of the face stuff done on the last she needs more

I'll tell you so you know I can do the mouth thing and I can really say I used to be able to do it like did you hear pop yeah I used to be able to go like so much farther oh there's the arm thing we got more stuff from her now oh god what oh god fuck that's that's good she's pretty though she can lick her elbow I can do that okay it's not that hard yeah okay

oh gosh whoa it's a snake put the dog in the bathtub in there how babe yeah that's what that's for the dog in the back that's the dick and the balls she could probably get arisha fierce balls in there too oof does he have big ones oh my god it's disturbing I guess you guys have all seen his dick and balls I've never seen them you could just ask him yeah they're very hangy yeah I would say like that long maybe no no no no seriously like like crazy jolly's got crazy balls yeah yeah big old goat nuts I'm back to Ari though

have they always been that long or have they gotten longer recent years you know I they're probably longer now but uh last time I saw him was like maybe seven years ago so but they're crazy long yeah yep and his asshole is long I've seen that yeah remember when it terrified me and I told you and then you told him I was like hey man what happened I was actually here in Austin it was here in Austin we went to cap sea it was him Ari me and joe and we were living in LA and I'd never seen Ari's fucking juke sock like his his skip yeah yeah he has an inflamed shoe clam clam yeah his asshole would come out and it was like this big and red and bloody I've seen it online yeah it's really horrendous so I saw in person I was like I'd never seen

anything like it so I got really scared concerned and I was like I was like Brian yes he needs to like he's in trouble like I was like you know listen you need you need your friend you need to like go help him see a doctor I was like don't say anything okay like don't tell him I told you and then Ari's like oh you're really concerned about my attitude I was like god damn it Brian and they're all laughing and I was like you guys are used to this they're like yeah yeah and his balls look like they're a bag of skittles like if he like like squeezes them it's just a bunch of like skittles in there that's not good that's not good either like what's that we don't even care like care about that so much because we're so worried about his ass that we're like

well that's bad too but why is his butt like that uh hemorrhoids it's just one of the worst hemorrhoids I when when I first saw it I called Duncan up and I like sent Duncan a picture and I'm like Duncan what's going on with this and he goes oh my god that's his sock he must be getting fucked in the ass man yeah Duncan's great yeah we have to have him in here who Duncan yeah of course he's an awesome tonight yeah all of us are here I heard well I better not say that what we'll believe it I heard another person's coming uh you're gonna believe that's right yeah oh really yeah oh my god yeah moving here yeah that's what I heard wow that would be fun that would be fun I guess she's been killing it she uh just destroying on stage really yeah that's awesome um I got uh this cool

guy to show you so this is his initial this is for you American men mainly middle age and older those of you men who are single tired of being alone tired of being not just rejected by American women but not even noticed not even seen not even acknowledged nice tired of feeling like a nobody feeling invisible tired of beating your brains out and killing yourself trying to get an American woman at least interested in you tired of feeling like you don't add up to their ridiculously unattainable standards then stop trying stop trying instead go to the Philippines that's how I was gonna say he needs to trim the fat but yeah we get the point yeah so uh that's how we met him and now he's um American women you have rejected me you've ignored me

in your eyes I feel like I'm invisible so is it any surprise to you that I'm wanting to go to the Philippines where I would be acknowledged where I would have family where I would have someone who accepts me even if I don't have all my teeth pesky American women they're stupid standards you American women have disregarded me but I want you to see what I'll have when I go to the Philippines with the one I love oh that's not real what's wrong with that face oh dude I wasn't gonna say um do you think this is this message by the way he's putting is for one woman like you know I mean like is this is he talking to an American woman but it's just really for Emily it's what yeah it's one person it's never a collective

American women right it's one woman that just was like oh you don't have your teeth and he was like right so do I stay here in the United States feeling totally ignored and disregarded and unnoticed by you ladies fuck no I'm going where I feel treasured the Philippines I'm going where I feel valued my girlfriend loves me for who I am I don't think there is an American woman out there who could really love a guy for who he is oh they might say they would but they are really full of shit most American women love a guy once he has opened up his wallet okay so fuck them I'm treating them exactly the same way as they've treated me do you realize how many American women's feelings he hurt parts are breaking all over the USA like oh no run all the female tsa agents are crying right

now oh my god well um women in the Philippines I mean aren't they just looking for a rich American and by their standards he's a rich American it's exactly it's literally exactly what he's talking about yeah their wallet open is what's happening in the Philippines this guy can buy stuff and send it to me in my family well yeah because anybody is rich compared to like that girl's life you know well I don't mean there's your money goes a lot further absolutely American fuck man we're not we're the guy like this work I like also the fact he has like you know probably a real middle of the road kind of menial he's not in management he's like a a task doer right like he lives in Nebraska that's what I think what's interesting is that he um he puts this message

out and and he's so fired up and he doesn't acknowledge that the reason he probably is disappointed in American women is how because a lot of American women are like oh you're you're kind of a fucking zero you know like you're not particularly good-looking you're not particularly intelligent you don't have that much going for you you don't have your teeth you're kind of arrogant like you're entitled you think you just like you he's probably a like how come this fucking 10 doesn't want me like let's be realistic man yeah you know yeah what are you bringing to the table yeah he I can't even get his teeth fixed you're like what you don't like yourself well why would I like you you should put duck on point on pause for a second and get your teeth

right put what up his fucking girlfriend what's right I don't talk they don't they don't that's costa even if I don't have all my teeth this guy is really upset at those American broads yeah he's really mad he's not that bad looking either if you look at him right there he's not he looks like a young domarero he's fine he's fine he's fine he's fine somebody but emily really scored him that's the thing is that the guy that's fine goes I deserve the best right and you kind of go like no yeah you don't you don't that's true I am curious as to what his standard is like who's rejecting you dude you know what I mean there are women that would take him easily there's a guy at the beginning of the show that you

haven't seen yet who sniffs his fingers and he's a fucking total degenerate and somebody laid that guy I wouldn't insult the man like that let him make a decision on whether he's a degenerate god sniffing your fingers why do you keep sniffing your finger does it just why the fuck you keep smelling your finger like it reminds me of like I don't know like when you're a kid and you pick a bag and shake and then you're like all day long you're like then you go up to like your brother like I took my little brother his name was Tommy it's not just one time I spend your back in the bedroom it's not too bad I said to him he smelled it he went to the fuck and I just yeah that was that girl

he has pants inside out too that's yeah that's like crazy well he seems like an idiot but I I mean I get it like if you're a fucked up really hot girl and then like you know you're like at work the next day and you're like you're just like wow I could still smell or that's kind of hot yeah yeah I like that I know you guys do I know you guys do I've learned yeah yeah or like you haven't taken a shower yet you just you know go around your pubes and then smell it oh my god I mean it's hot because you're like I might never fuck somebody that hot again so I'm gonna smell it one more time you start rubbing your hand on your crotch and you smell your hand you start licking your hand and then you suck on all your fingers I'm gross for flossing

with the sock disgusting girls don't do that girls don't do that girls don't do that we don't know they don't go like that dick was good we don't we don't stew in the juices of it for the whole day and I don't I take a shower and I'm like oh that was a nice memory I keep it in here I don't need this this the smell you know mainly I can relive it just fine I love the smell definitely some girls have it kids oh boy it's like musky you think this guy's like you know I went to the Philippines and they just didn't appreciate me so I came back to the States I don't want my teeth either oh yeah he's gonna go to the Philippines and hook up with a woman that has a dick too but you know for sure he was really happy to show off his girl yeah for a guy I know

I don't want to talk about him anymore he makes me sad yeah he makes me sad too I thought we should kind of stay here for a while I don't want to stay here anymore I feel sad for him now okay please all right okay so you ever go on your instagram's like the recommendations and go why am I getting recommended all this crazy like I've been getting recommended breastfeeding videos but with like the same kind of music like tiktoks have like why is that happening I have no idea but I bet you right now if I show you my instagram it's just women like hot women breastfeeding getting breastfeeding the baby will like come up she's like oh daddy and like it's like mixed like a tiktok I don't know if I should like that or not Janice is I better not follow any of them

but I don't want to you don't get you don't get recommended breastfeed videos all I'm doing is getting recommended breastfeed videos you must have searched for that once no you never liked never once my instagram has always been like hot women's butts and tits and stuff like that well there you go the tits was what breastfeed yeah I think the tits make the milk yeah because like you see look this is all women's butts and breasts like this is what instagram's recommend look there's one yeah look look it's just a hot chick and if what and then there's a monkey attached to it but wait did she get mad at your other stuff no she thinks that everything's fine but I'm showing her all these awesome like these hot girls breastfeeding and she's like Brian

you better stop you even know that that's bad that's getting weird like you don't even want that avoiding do you like um breastfeeding is that a thing no I don't like breastfeeding I like tits yeah and and you know when they're breastfeeding they're you know puffier and you know you like that stuff like they yeah sure like that yeah you don't yeah I don't do you watch breastfeeding like do you drink no no no but it is cool like seeing like these hot chicks having their tits sucked yeah but that's see that's bad though because that's babies doing it which is bad it's not confused it's life it's not it's not it's not it's hard to it's hard for the average person to sexualize that is what I'm saying like as someone that has breastfed like for that to be sexualized

is like right like I don't see how but it's not you I'm not you it's it also is a kind of a fun move if you see woman breastfeeding to go like yeah like just say something like that I get that I when I you know I got had to get prescription glasses yeah and I you know I'm 48 and I haven't had glasses my whole life and like the first day I got them I was waiting at a car wash and I'm just sitting there and the girl was woman was breastfeeding her baby and so I'm just sitting there going oh yeah look at her breastfeed because I thought I had sunglasses on I forgot that she could see my eyes and she's just looking up at me and I'm like oh she thinks I'm just looking straight she doesn't know I'm like look but I'm like eyes to the left like looking at her

guys are so gross yeah but if you see a girl breastfeeding you kind of try to look of course you want to look every time I see a lady breastfeeding out I always look because I'm like whoa that's a boob you're always gonna look at a boob out in public and you're always gonna go mmm always yeah because you know those titties taste good so you want to you get hungry yeah you go I need something a little bit for my coffee you know it's just a splash boop it that's what we got to pull up your guys here oh let's go are you ready for my talks okay what's this what is this now we're gonna do a super slap I'm gonna slap myself as hard as I can god you see already okay no that lick is that Chris

Larson it looks a little it's a weird hat really cool video very cool thank you for including that that's a really really cool video thank you guys I want to move to the Philippines after seeing that video god damn it but it's a cool thing I mean right how red can you okay okay here let's go into your other talks yeah oh oh oh my god that's not good for your ear drum look at guys eyes I know I know it's so intense his face you know what's for sure the craziest is that guy doing the thing with the bulging eyes he could make you come so hard with his hands even if you're not attracted to him

yeah yeah and then you'd be like oh this is ASMR it's ASMR ear massage but I can't imagine that feels good or sounds good it looks like it feels really good to the guy receiving it yeah but that to have that noise on you and that pressure on your ear drums doesn't seem like as long as you don't see that guy's face I think you're good right his face was terrifying he's probably just stroking out this is pretty cool that's an ancient coffin sealed 2,500 years ago that's insane this is really cool pretty rad huh there she is 2,500 years yeah and it's still like there wow that's pretty cool huh that's cool

episode's got a smell right? Dusty make your old baby smell those fingers what do you think it smells like in there so grody I mean that's incredible that they knew how to mummify you know how they do that how could you do that what did they use what witchcraft shut where are you I'm standing over the back stop okay stop most nerve-wracking part oh no gonna hate what you see oh my god you're gorgeous hit that button what what did I do honestly I feel like it's because no no no no so wait what is this show you know what Brian yeah it's really popular it's uh

you uh go on like a date and you sit down and you you know you talk for like a couple minutes and then that's the red light turns on in the middle and when that that means whoever hits it first if you want to get out of the date then that person has to leave and then you get like a new person in front of you so it's really interesting like watching two people like wow you seem very nice and the light goes on you're both they're both kind of looking at the button and you know it's it's it's like bullshit but it's so addicting to watch kind of shit what's it on I don't know because I've only seen reaction videos to it's called cut I think it's on youtube it's on youtube it's such a great premise so they're both blindfolded it sounds like they're

usually not blindfolded I think this was just something special they did or maybe they are now blindfolded I don't know and so whoever hits the button right so there's like a person that sits down do they always do it they don't always hit it quickly right because they might be having a good time no and sometimes it's like they don't want to be rude and just like kind of talking more and they see the red light on and everyone you're still talking to them you know they I don't know it's it's it's it's very interesting and that was great because she's like you're gorgeous and he was like yeah and then she's the audacity to call him out on it I think it's because I'm heavy like well duh right yeah and then he's supposed to be like no no no I just I just I like short hair yeah of

course right how do you but that's so embarrassing because what if you think you're hitting it off with that person and then but that is what they just they obviously had some type of chemistry before his eyes worked dude I would be so upset if someone did that to me like buzzered me and then it was the Philippines guy yeah yeah fucking bitch you fucking stupid bitch go to the Philippines fuck me fuck you I'd be so look at that guy it's hurting Christ sure that is is that crazy but look it's getting bigger what he makes it bigger watch he's expanding it oh yeah that's look at it he can push it to make it bigger he's pushing that is not right that is crazy town that's crazy that's not good at all that seems dangerous that seems very dangerous he looks like he's got actually I mean

I really want to go really oh you sad it looks like a tumor yeah it does no this is what a silver filling looks like they're putting delibits of the silver material and carefully packing it into the tooth the silver material is an amalgamation of silver copper tin zinc and mercury and this will harden on its own in a few minutes before it hardens they are just packing it and using different instruments to carve out some anatomy so that it looks like a tooth from the outside this is becoming one of those things that's quickly being phased out in dentistry although there is a time and place for silver a lot of the dental students these days back at least when I was teaching in 2020 they are not being taught silver in their curriculum anymore and

we're focusing a lot of our efforts on to adhesive dentistry how cool is that I've never seen a filling very cool and I would appreciate it a little more stuff like this in the tick box yeah my mom always told me if she dies to like sneak in with some pliers and pull out all her silver fillings before she gets like buried my mom would never say gold gold yeah my and I by the way I will take a hammer to her I promise you that I'll do it before she dies I've got one gold filling too babe take it out before they burn me yeah it's my first one pliers on you did you know I saw this thing um in a crematorium it was a tick tock and she's like things I found in the crematorium and it's the leg sorry like the the iron bits that we have the metal bits oh right

yeah both Tom and I do you have anything metal on your body uh just a titanium rod in my tooth that's about it what all right my skull what you're like an implant oh you have an implant yeah yeah that stuff doesn't get burned so literally when they burn you that'll be yeah very cool very cool thing to see at the very end yeah got it got it hey doc yes why do women need more sleep than men oh they need dramatically more sleep than men I can always say this a man can get away with seven eight hours sometimes six I don't encourage six but the idea is a woman needs eight to ten hours and then key is what's called hormonal reserves see if you think of this way women depend so much on their adrenals to produce even daily hormones a man does not men can produce maybe

two three percent of their adrenals in 97 percent 98 percent is produced by testicles testicles work if you're sleeping or not you know that's kind of funny saying that women need a certain adrenal reserve of hormone being produced to create their whole anabox women need a lot more sleep than men women need uninterrupted sleep men can get away because a lot of their vitality a lot of their repair is done by testosterone it's mainly made by the testicle yes there's a small amount and maybe a small amount can do with that way but I'll tell you right now men need a lot less sleep than women and women need good sleep between eight and ten hours to create the hormone reserves for them to have a great day okay thank you hey who's this fucking guy sounds like

a meth head yeah you know as soon as you get in your testicles and when you know kind of great day you just see more what the fuck did you find this guy yeah tiktok yeah doctor doctor tiktok sure i just thought it was interesting because you're always like oh you're fucking sleeping again lazy bitch you know i never said that i never said that but i just thought you should know man there's so much more efficient than women they kind of you guys are built for life punishing of a life definitely more punishment that's why i think you guys are better military but we're built for making babies and loving babies and that's different so uh in line with my favorite favorite type of tiktok which is guys alone in their apartments doing nunchucks guys alone in their

apartments punching the air there's this guy no this looks really cool oh oh it's showing you how quick he is with a cd with a cd look at i stabbed the cd falling off down the wood branch that's very impressive brian you're like a tech savvy guy is there any way to even buy cds or this is like vintage now you can buy cds oh you still can they still make cd what's the coolest gadget that you've gotten you always had the coolest gadgets uh coolest gadget lately um i got a um i got a projector that like sits right in front of your wall and shoots straight up and so you don't have like a projector on the other side of the wall anymore so you just have a projector and it's like a 150 inch laser hd screen uh i got uh yeah it's

merry christmas i'll get that for you okay cool you want that sure yeah vr stuff um that's so much vr shit you guys do vr i want to i want to get it you gotta can i tell you what should i get uh oculus quest two is a good one to start off at you know it's because you don't get a computer you can just put it on you know it has battery you can lay in bed like a corn that's what i want my friend and i would just hold on what that's what i want my friend and i we're just talking about what makes our pussies driest number one on the list virtual reality glass goggles really grown man with those on i can't get drier have you done it yet um yeah i have where a wonder spaces museum what virtual reality yeah where wonder spaces here in austin i take the kids there

for time this is like some kid shit this is what you masturbate to pornography with what do you think i want it for yeah you could sit in bed and it will make it look like you will feel that you're in i max movie theater and the screen is so huge but you just sit there and look at fucking this is what i want i said it like six times if you don't fucking get me this you're done brian will you text me once you get to get some jerk off to porn virtual reality thank you hey the good stuff all right it's cheating isn't it if you if you jerk off in virtual reality with a girl who's banging you and you can do that also they actually a webcam porn where it's like girls and it feels like you're in the room sitting next to her and she you could

talk back and forth to her while she's like fingering herself and shit it's great that that's cheating that is nice that's not it's not it's not it's not what happens if you have braces in prison if you don't know me my name is amanda and i did tom in prison for armed robbery this is a good question okay so i went into prison and i have a built-in retainer and they didn't do anything but for particularly violent inmates if they have a super violent crime or if they're prone to getting in trouble if they have full braces on their teeth they will remove the wire that connects them so that you can't take that out and use it as a weapon but like the little studs would stay you get no kind of orthodontic treatment while you're in prison i was really lucky and i was

able to go to dental twice during my prison stay i had been sleeping on the street and not taking care of my teeth had rotted out teeth oh god like black it was so disgusting and i thought my teeth were ruined like there's nothing to be done but i signed up to go to dental and i paid the money i think it was like 25 dollars and they cleaned my teeth and it turned out that was all just tartar buildup and now i have a beautiful smile remember those tartar cleanup vids from last week this this was cool good thanks i like this one those educational yeah don't go to prison with braces don't take adderall before you do a tiktok video either you see those eyes what the fuck stay something those are adderall eyes are they yeah when you see the whites of your eyes

that's adderall eyes oh she's all oh i hate this shit i don't like this shit it's a really cool guy so this is the secret that magicians don't want you to know about swallowing the sword the sword is real there's no trick to it the trick is before you swallow the sword you need to well i'll show you what the fuck before you swallow the sword you need a sheath that way the sword can slide safely into the sheath and not cut your insides show me the other side of that that's the secret that magicians don't want you to know what i mean it's still a pretty gnarly trick to get that thing to stay down your esophagus yeah that's a good one yeah i know i know mine is blown hi i'm kind

of speechless yeah how's crazy he was just talking like well there's this other thing hold on while he has something in his throat yeah how do you not die wait how do you not gag and puke right how does your stomach not yeah i wonder how he spoke right esophagus esophagus not yeah that's not right the whole thing is the thing about collecting these is you don't just want one or two or three you want them all yeah i would love that yeah it's good shit you could get them on wish.com pretty what can you please send her that too send me that one you probably already have but the tits i got my girlfriend like the big tit thing that you put on like that and she just wears it out at target and shit like no brawl and it's hilarious really i want to try being well maybe i'll try

being a man try that might be fun it might be fun yeah will you show me send me the link maybe i'll try coming on the show that would be fun try with god at the gym first i pull up my favorite christian book or the bible once i read a page i start with my next exercise set which is lunges then i start listening to my christian rap to get me even well pumped then i do my next exercise and do side lunges last but not least i just pray rest in his presence but always pray before and after your workout you know you know why this is such a good talk to share because i think it actually helps dudes out i think it really does because most men they see an attractive woman and at least in some part of their life they're like oh man like she's so hot and like i can't approach her you know

she's probably too cool or like oh and then you see something like this is the inner dialogue of this fucking psycho and it lets you know you know i mean that like she's crazy she's got a beautiful body or whatever she's fucking out of her mind and you don't want to meet her you don't want to go out with her this would be the worst day of your life absolutely and like the thing i don't get about super churchy people is like why are you ruining which should be just like a fun time like why does everything have to be about god yeah i just want to go to the gym and just work out right like you still honor god you can do it at the gym yeah and then i listen to my favorite christian rock this tiktok i really love i watched over and over again but you're right to your point tom i think

hot girls are even more messed up than regulars dude i'm telling you every dude needs like to see you should you should just we should do a bank of just hot girls that are crazy that are crazy and just go like see like they're not they're not special yeah that's the thing is when up when up when you're 16 to like 28 you're just like oh man like i can't talk to her yeah you can definitely right i mean there's some guys that don't have that but i think a lot of dudes are like wow what will i say oh she won't like me or you know she's cool see and i think what those guys should also keep in mind is that those girls are raised in dysfunctional houses just like yours right she probably has a fucked up step mom and telling the guy that does not have the same impact as showing

the guy i want you see this you go oh you know just telling him he's like i don't believe but then you see that she's pretty much again she's so stupid how it's been time with god at the gym what are the crazy premise christian book or the bible once i read a page i start with my next exercise set which is lunges read a page i start listening to my christian round to be even more pumped then i do my next exercise and do side lunches last but not least i just pray rest in his presence but always pray before and after your workout good fight yeah she's got a looks great but always pray before and after your workout and rest in his presence because how do you get pumped for a good time this is why you jays are the best you never do

this bullshit ever and if you did you wouldn't make a video about it you keep it to your fucking self the way you're supposed to you know yeah that's true we love to proselytize yeah christians are all about telling you what you should be doing yeah god well how do you make more jays then if you're not proselytizing we just you know we're fruitful and multiply with each other yeah that's what we do keep it in and then keep it in house keep it in the family yeah yeah these idiots what a fun way to ruin stuff i mean she'd be fun god and what she'd be fun i don't know if this is cruel but i bet it is she'd be fun to like take out on a date and just i would just talk about god she'd be like oh my god seriously i'm again and then you know you go on a few dates yeah you

don't make her a real priority but you take her a few times and you learn a few like christian rappers have you heard and then she's like oh my god and then you just dump clips in her and then once you're done you're like i don't give a fuck about religion you stupid bitch i came in your ass i think it would be fun to make her do something sexual that she doesn't want to do but not misleading like i wouldn't lie to get her to do it no i would yeah but i think it would be fun to get her to feel sinful and feel bad about herself and be like yeah the man in the sky is really mad at me right now for giving me that present you should always pray before and after

you lick my balls stay in his presence guys wow what delusions what is but to your point what is the difference between this and like mental illness there isn't it's the same it's the same stuff yeah like yeah religion is mental illness well to this extent this is my mom was also having like a little bit of peace in your life right no this isn't like wanting to raise a nice family and morals or like i get anxiety i pray to myself whatever like that's right this is like i'm in the i mean she's praying before lunges this is a crazy person totally crazy person oh this is new york city subway this is her latest person this woman is doing her toenails

so obvious about it yeah she's like filing them down electronically right that's how yeah it's like a it's a nail file uh this is subway creatures official on tiktok great great account about new york city subway creatures it's so good all right we got to actually wrap this up but um but he was great i'm so glad you're guys it was always fun to see you man i love you i'll do it again let's do it again anytime i'm uh i'm i'm here i know you're queer you're queer you're here don't let her do the forehead thing no i'm not i'm not and always pray before your lunges always yeah all right love you love you love you bye

i would like to give a shout out to all my sexy bbw's so fine so delicious show woke up care mail complexion just make my heart melt baby just by looking at your fine ass all are delicious i ain't talking about buffalo barbecue wingsies baby Is that white chocolate that I see Is that white chocolate that I see Is that white chocolate that I see Is that white chocolate that I see Is that white chocolate that I see Is that white chocolate that I see