Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Don't Ask Me That! w/ Chad Daniels | Your Mom's House Ep.687

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

Did You Miss YMH Live, A Very Cool Christmas?! Don't worry! You can still watch it at https://ymhstudios.com/rentals DON’T BE A LOSER!! This week, Tom Segura and Christina P discuss the Royal Family, the Department of Energy official/pup play enthusiast who was fired for stealing women’s luggage, “Wednesday” and goth culture, the National Enquirer article on Garth’s serial killer rumors, and Tom’s 2 Bears rant. They watch videos of a cool girl, revisit Dani’s famous “Hey Hitler” video, watch a bunch of Dan Pena clips, and see a video of a super cool pet coyote. Tom also issues a challenge to Erie, PA weatherman David Wolter, and the Main Mommies announce that there’s a new show coming to YMH Studios with Robert Iler and Jamie-Lynn Sigler! Comedian Chad Daniels joins Todd and Christine to discuss taping two different specials on the same night, dealing with hecklers, and why he can’t stand being put on the spot. Jean and Jean run him through “Horrible or Hilarious” clips as well as Christina’s TikTok curations. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast

Did you miss YMH Live 9? Well, you can watch it right now by going to ymhstudios.com slash rentals. Can you also pull up Tim Allen as he's becoming Santa Claus? Because that's who I look like. In the midst of the transition. Your hair looks good. It does.

You look a nice fucking head of hair. It's nice of you, thank you. Yeah. Right there, look. Oh my God, yeah. I look just like him. That's no shit, look at that. Yeah.

Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. Well, welcome to another episode of your mom's house. Merry Christmas to our Christian fans. That's right, we all Friday night, Merry Christmas here in Texas. If you're Muslim or Jewish, have a nice week, I guess. The rest of us will be rejoicing. That's right, the Lord of our Savior,

the Lord, the birth of our Lord and Savior. Yeah, the guy that made the ground you stand on was born this week. Baby Yezushka is coming to town. Baby Yezushka. Welcome him to your heart. Is that really how you sing that? Jesus Christo? Jesus Christo, como bebito.

No, I didn't say it like that. Oh, it's cute. I like that. I'm still glowing from YMH Live 9. YMH Live 9, a very cool Christmas, which I believe the initial period is you can go to the rental, you can rent it if you want to see it. It is the coolest YMH Live yet.

I think it really, it was my favorite by far. Yeah, and we opened up the pre-show. So only like it was a limit because the reason there was limitations on the pre-show that people don't know is that it came with a gift box. So everybody that bought a ticket to that ahead of time received a gift box. That's why it was a limited run of tickets for that. That thing was pretty Potter hosted that and it was it was amazing. Surprises and that one.

Bobby Lee pulled out a real surprise during that. So if people wondering why he didn't get naked, well, he did. And then the live show, I mean, I keep saying this, like whenever I guest on people, it's like we always invest more in every YMH live. So we had a full animation that's on the show that, you know, we had to write and do the voiceover and hire a company to animate. We had great animation was by Gripless.

We had, you know, choir. We had a full song. Is it Chad wrote? Yes. And yeah, we had multiple and then we had the J-mobile sketch. I have to tell you that the J-mobile sketch is the my most favorite thing we've ever done, and we spent a goddamn fortune. And that was years in the making. It really was. The J-mobile was. Let's just say we couldn't do that in in California. Yeah.

No, that was one of those things. They were like, what? No, you can't do that. But yeah, it was pretty awesome. There's a lot of things that I love about Hitler. There's just a lot of cool things that episode. Do you remember the first company that agreed? Oh, my God. Can I finish my thought? Yes, yes, yes.

Agreed to do the car. Yes. The J-mobile ghosted us. Yes. That's how that's how controversial this is. You have to see it. Huge company. Yeah. They're massive. They're the most well-known company. OK, they are. But go ahead. That's what I was saying for this for this type of work.

Yeah, there's basically one company that everybody knows. And it's that company. Yeah. Yeah. So the company was very excited. And they were like enthusiastic on the call about doing that. Like, and they're like, yeah. And then on the follow up, they just went dead silent. They didn't stop the answering. They were like, hell, yeah, we're in to.

No response. So weird. It's not that weird. It's not. Yeah. But it was great to finally do do that sketch because it was years and years in the making. And yeah, I don't want to give away too much, but it really happened. It's pretty cool. It really happened. It was pretty cool.

I was thrilled with the the night. It was a lot of fun, a lot of fun. Doing doing the live shows is the most exciting part. Yes. Podcasting. All right, you want to open the show? I do. All right, let's get into it. What are you doing down there? Stop sniffing my asshole.

I just prayed some perfume on it so I know it smells good. But I have a stomach ache. What if you're down there and I shit on you? Who is Randy? Don't bring in what love is. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow. And Christina. Now gets to you. Welcome to your mom's house. Meow, meow. I kind of wish I didn't have to wear pants ever, don't you feel like I just they're always tight like I put them on they feel good and then I sit down I'm like why do

I have pants on? You don't have to wear pants. Kind of don't. Stop sniffing my asshole. You could wear. Stop sniffing my asshole. Why don't you wear a skirt or a dress? That's the nice thing about being abroad.

Yeah, you can air out your couch that way. It's the one good thing. That's the only good thing. Yeah. Wait, are there more good things? Men can wear kilts. Yeah, that looks corny. I don't really like them.

I don't really like them either. They look gay, look homosexual. Yeah. And I think I'm a little suspicious of people that are, you know, endorsing them. Well, I always think it's if you're not a guy in a kilt, that looks cool. If you're not, if you're not in Scotland and you're wearing this horse nonsense, like I've seen guys in Austin wearing kilts in like the record store, I'm like you're not, you're not.

Well, yeah, that's because they're in Austin. Scottish. Yeah, like. This guy. Yeah. Oh, that guy does not wear a kilt. Fuck no, he doesn't. But he looks good in it.

I take it back. He probably looks good in anything he wears. I know. My guess, this guy doesn't struggle in the department of emptying his load every day. So special. My balls are all backed up. I guess I'll wear this kilt today, easy access. But here's a problem with wearing skirts and such is that you can't really sit.

You can only sit one way with your legs crossed and then the whole day your legs are crossed. What about a longer one, like she has a long one on? Then you look like a fucking Mormon. You look kind of, I don't look good in those. Well, what about somewhere in between? You know what? You know what? You know what?

I'm going to, I'm going to give it a shot. Again, the long, long leg, I'm going to. I just blew your mind with this. Man, you know, I learn new stuff all the time in life. All right. This chick's good though. I like her vibe. Before we go back to her stuff, you're on tour.

Where are you going? Thank you so much for reminding me. Christinapionline.com. I've announced very limited, unlike my husband, I do not come everywhere. I stay home most of the time. So when I leave my house, it counts. Breastballs. You're there right now.

Right? I'm in January. Sorry. Sorry. January 20th and 21st. Breastballs Beach. Yeah. Florida.

February 2nd, 3rd and 4th. What do we have for Addison, Texas? You got anything good for Addison? Momason? Momason. Chat. No. Fill your.

Addison. Okay. Portland, Oregon. How you doing? Revolution Hall. Yeah. And we're going to, I think we're running a second show. March 31st.

That's a cool spot. I've done all these plus more. Well. So you've done them all. Talking about these venues that I've done. That's what I'm saying. You've done this all. Roaner Park, California.

I was just there. April 29th. April 29th. Yeah. Okay. And then Chicago. Chicago Gizenoise. Do you like that?

Park West. Park West. Thank you. April 29th. April 3rd. Milk cocky. Wisconsin. That was off the dome, bro.

Yeah. May 13th. Charlestown, West Virginia. What could that be? I don't know. Charles Brown. Charles Brown. Charles from Matchtown.

Charles from Matchtown. Charles from Matchtown at 815, West Virginia. Oh, the casino. You're hitting the casinos. Are you going to get in the blackjack too? What's up? No. Hit me.

Are you? Are you deep in it? Hit me again, you fucking cunt. How much debt are you in or are you up? Where are you? It's all, it's just for fun. Oh, boy. I'm scared to find out, Charles.

Let's just say you're not going to have the same Christmas you were going to have. There's so much going on in the wild. I played old school. I was doing my casino gigs. Yeah. And when I play a gig there, I go, we want to play blackjack. So they give us a table and we sit down and it was like fucking like old cowboy blackjack. I'd never played this.

What is this? There's no shoe. A shoe is like the device that the cards come out of. Okay. So the dealer has the cards, tosses them like this. You're supposed to take a look and put them down. And if you want to hit, you brush the table. Oh, wow.

And if you don't, you go like this. And then there was side bets you could do that I've never had at other. Like if you have a face card, you can double down or more. What's a face card? Like a queen? Like a 10 queen king jack. Yeah. So there was that.

And then you're supposed to tuck. So like you see your car and then you tuck them down. And I fucking went on a run. You did? Yeah. Do you ever get nervous that you don't know the rules, the etiquette? No, because I definitely know those. You did.

I mean, games where I don't know the rules are etiquette. You're right about that. I would get so nervous. And I've sat at, I bring different comics on the road. Dude, we're sitting there. And these guys are fucking up the table. And I'm like, what are you doing? That would be me.

And they're like, you're supposed to try to get 21. I'm like, oh my God. I'm like, do you not know that the dealer has to hit on a 16-year-old? And they're like, what? And I'm like, oh, you fucking moron. They're just fucking up our table. You're fired. Stupid bitch.

Yeah. She says, I wanted to stab one of them in the neck. You know what makes me angry? I feel the same way watching the Meghan Markle, Harry documentary on Netflix. Yeah. Listen to this. She goes to meet the queen, the fucking queen of England, mate, for the first time. And Harry says to her in the car, hey, you know how to curtsy, right?

And she goes, what? This is what the stupid woman says. She goes, and you guys, I know the Americans watching this can sympathize with me. Oh my God. Like you're royal, like medieval times. You go to medieval times and there's like a joust and stuff. And you can see Harry's face. He's starting to hit him what he's got.

100%. Because at first what happens is you're mesmerized by the pussy, right? Because she's beautiful. So you're like, oh, this pussy is fucking crazy. Yeah. And then like the excitement of how warm and tight and good it feels starts to kind of, it fades a little bit and you start to be able to see clearly. And so now what's happening is he's seeing what a fucking box of rocks he's got.

He's out of the pussy haze. He's out of the pussy haze. And he's into reality. Yeah. And he can't go back now. He can't admit at this point, like, oh, this broad is nuts. I was mesmerized by this pussy. I can't.

He can't say that. He can't go back. I mean, first of all, that would be the speech of a lifetime. I know. If he went back to England and they're like, boo, and he was like, fellow Brits. Pussy is remarkable. He gave a speech about how it completely changed the way he thought. He's like, has the pussy haze faded?

I was finally able to see clearly again. Yeah, it fucking, it has. It has completely changed. What? Sorry. The pussy has changed his way of thinking. Well, now he's starting to seek. I think.

Can I tell you what it was? She did. Sorry. Sorry. I think what it was with Megan is that she was a little coy with him. Most of the UK broads out there are like, oh my God, Prince Harry. I can't wait to marry. Yes.

But they're all cockney and gross and like, M to the B, M to the B, M to the M to the M. You know that song? And she was the one bitch to be like, who? Because that's. She pretended. Yeah, that's appealing. Who? I don't know who you are, Prince Harry.

Yeah. What royal your highness? Like she fully was like, is that like medieval times? Like bitch, everybody knows how to fucking curse you to the queen. Well, also, okay. Stupid bitch. You're going to act like you don't know what the queen is. Yeah.

Like would it? She was, she's smart. She knows what she's up to. I'm like, LOL. I'm in a curtsy. Yeah. And then she didn't want to be second fiddle to Kate Middleton. That's my theory.

Because whitey-katy, everyone likes her. No one likes Megan. Yeah. She's out. They're out. So she just. They're out. She tried to like just burn the fucking.

Oh. So she. She's burning it to the ground. They are out, right? They're out. They are out. And let me tell you something. When you're out of the royal family, you are fucking out, Brew.

You don't come back here. Harry, there's no going. And he's got to stay with her now. He's deep in. He's two kids deep with his broad. There's no like, I'm going to leave Montecito and go back to London to booking a pellet. Like they don't take you back. I do got to say something.

I walked by the television while this was on. I didn't really like see it. But I respect that both him and his brother, they just have these big gaps of hair missing. I know. And they're just like, yeah. I think that's maybe that's very British of them to do that. Like, I feel like the American would be like, you know, where, you know, having treatment. And stuff.

They're just like, yeah, my hair's gone. Oh, no. The Brits age horribly. Like I think by the time William was 30, he was already, he looks like he's 80. I know, but he's really not fighting it at all. And Harry's not. He's got huge. I didn't care.

And William was the hotter one, frankly. Like when he was like a teenager, he was so hot. And now he's like his dad had. Oh, he's got total horseshoe. He's got the horseshoe. Yeah. That's fucking insane. And now he don't give a rip, bro.

They don't think Harry. Well, there's a rumor that Diana had an affair with a guard and that's who Harry's father is. Sure. I bet it's true. You bet it's true. Doesn't look a damn thing. Like Char Char, like the, the.

Char Char Stinks. Char Char Stinks, the king. Yeah. No way, dude. Yeah. That, that look. William looks like that. Oh, it's good.

The crowd where they talk like this. Harry's no. Yeah. He's, can you imagine getting fingered by King Charles? His hands are so sausagey. His fucking fat hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, dude.

Yeah, you showed me. He's so into that Camilla too. He's so hot for her. He's hot for her. God, he wants to, he's just like, so into her puss. So weird. Do you think he makes a crazy noise when he nuts? He's like.

He does it like a sad royal. Yeah. He goes, I can't darling. Pinky ring is a wild choice too. When you got sausages like that. Yeah. It's such a fucking dildo choice. I know.

It is for dildos. It's like an old wise guy thing, you know. And like old Hungarian dudes have that. It's like an old guy thing. Yeah. Gangsters and shit. It's gross. Fucking.

Usually who you meet is just some fucking tool, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. Fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck them. You know, over it.

Whatever. I can't. What if you're down there and I shit on you? I saw that TikTok and I was really. It's really cool. And so I saw this just moments before the audience did. And that girl, she has these crazy eyes. What are you doing down there?

Stop sniffing my asshole. She's got a real crazy look. And then I, I couldn't help but think immediately of our old friend. Hey Hitler. It's me, Danny. I just want to tell you that Nathaniel Lewis is basically harassing my Daniacs. And he's harassing me. He's threatening to actually kill Kendall Daniac.

Wait, who? Kendall Daniac? Yeah. God, I miss her. Yeah, Danny was cool. I didn't realize how much I loved her until now. You don't realize what you got until it's gone. Yeah.

And I miss her. I believe that's what Janet Jackson did there. She's in the background, the boy band. She liked a lot of boy bands. One Direction. One Direction. Yeah. Good stuff.

Yeah, Danny, and she was always, you know, she was doing the right thing. She was always saying hi to Hitler right at the beginning of every video. It's very important. That was right. She, that was her thing is she was like making vlogs to Hitler. Hey Hitler. Hey, I know you're watching. Hey Hitler.

It's me. This is weird. I mean, you know, Hitler's been dead for a long time. You think so? Yeah. She's like, the furor still lives. It'd be cool if she would just switch to Portuguese because she knows he's in Brazil. You know?

She's like, hey Hitler. Obrigado por tudo bom. Why did she do that? Kind of Hitler's in Brazil. How old would Hitler be at this point? Very old. Yeah. Yeah.

I think he would definitely not be still kicking. It's probably not on YouTube. I don't know, but anybody can watch YouTube. It's a good way to communicate with him. Maybe a vlog we could start here at the studio. Hey Hitler. Series where we just go, hey Hitler. I know.

I know you're at the beach and I'll give you a tube. I know you're in Rio. Anyway, just wanted to say hi. Just let you know the plan's not working. Do you think Hitler looks totally different without that mustache? Yeah. Because he had to have cut it off to go live in Portugal. Brazil.

Brazil. Yeah. Yeah. But you're speaking, oh. You're speaking Portuguese. Yeah. That's in Brazil. Brazil.

Brazil there. Yeah. So he looks, oh his toe, it's a different face. A little bit of facial hair. May try to disguise himself. That's what US intelligence thought. Yeah. That's what I would do too is like the hair and the stash were very, yeah.

He had good boy hair, bad boy mustache. What an interesting, was that a hip look at the time? How about that one? The wildly misunderstood photos of Hitler in disguise. That's kind of cool. I mean as a headline, that's pretty great. Nobody gets it. Can we hit it?

Let's see here. Looks like Freud there. Yeah. Hitler in disguise. Just growing up the mustache to normal size mustache. Yeah. Such a diff. Do you know why that was a popular mustache in that era?

It wasn't just him obviously. Who was it? It came out of World War I because in World War I everybody had to wear gas masks. Right. And a gas mask would line up right on the outside of your mouth so the style of mustache became to trim the outside part so that it would seal over your mouth. That is so grim. Yeah.

And dark. That's why it became a popular style. God damn dude. And then Hitler made it popular. He made it the most popular and then that's why everybody wears it today. That's why we love it now. So what are we, what is this saying? These are, there would be, if he would flee into disguise it would be one of these looks.

I like him in the widow's peak. That's kind of cool. That's very Herman Munster. Yeah. That's very Munster. Or grandpa Munster rather. I feel like that one and three would be the only ones where he could walk by and somebody wouldn't know for sure who it was.

Oh, three? I would have no idea that's Hitler. Yeah. I think glasses, you know why? He doesn't normally wear glasses. Doesn't normally wear. So if you want to disguise you want to really change the way. I would go full beard, I would push the hair back because that good boy hair is a real

giveaway. Oh yeah. And I think if anyone out there has seen him, please send an email to the show. We would love to have him find out what he's been up to. What have you been up to, Hitler? What have you been doing? What a great podcast that would be. I learned that I was being badly.

That was a no-no. What if he had a tremendous guilt? I feel tremendous guilt. Not guilty enough. That's good. She might not go ahead. Yeah. You were the biggest rascal in all of the world for a while.

You're right. My mummy didn't love me. Oh, speaking of rascals, do you remember that not too long ago, the Biden administration appointed a gender-fluid person, Sam Brinton, to a high-ranking post in the Department of Energy. And he was into pup play. Deputy, I got it, deputy assistant secretary of spent fuel and waste disposition in the office.

I got it. I got it. There he is, looking good, ready to be in politics. Part of the administration. Well, guess what? Guess what? He's been fired. What?

Yeah. Because he was captured on security footage, making off with a woman's bag worth more than $3,600 from the Las Vegas airport. A surveillance snap from the airport shows Brinton wearing a white t-shirt with a colorful symbol rolling the suitcase through the question, rolling the suitcase in question through the airport. The distinctive tee, which Brinton sported in a selfie posted to Instagram the same day, led the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department to issue a warrant when claimed, when arrested,

sorry, when caught, he claimed to have mistaken the bag for his own, but although he never checked the bag. So he's like, I thought it was my bag. I didn't check the bag. Oh, there he is. And last month, he was charged in the September theft of a woman's suitcase from Minneapolis airport. So this man is no longer in the administration.

Because he's into stealing women's suitcases. Women's suitcases. These two, at least, confirmed. I have to say, I have never heard of this. I thought it was my bag. But you didn't check a bag. He's like, yeah, but I still thought it was mine. It's on my bag.

Yeah. Yeah, it's hard to imagine that somebody who doesn't have enough judgment to hide their sexual proclivities would do something like that. Do you know what I mean? Like a guy, what do you mean? Like a guy that goes around and putt masks on social media wouldn't have the wherewithal to make good judgments. I can't believe I'll be stealing suitcases.

It's wild. Yeah. Is it that he wants to? I don't know. I wonder what that is. Maybe it's the thrill of stealing. That's got to be a fun thrill. And I've often thought that that is probably the best place to steal from.

But you've got to really be on it because if you, you know, well, first of all, there's cameras. So now it makes you think about you should be wearing a hat. Like we're talking about disguises. But also, you've got to get it like as it comes off the cart, you know, what's it called? The belt. Yeah. And or you got to wait around and see bags that are not picked up and just wait, you

know what I mean? Cause it was two times to get a bag. It's like you beat everybody. The suitcases come out and there's no one there. You grab one and go or they're just sitting there and there's like, sometimes there's like three left and you're like, where are the people for these bags? And then that's smart. So you can wait at the end.

You can wait till the end. And I would definitely grab up just the black, like the, because everyone's got the black clothes. I thought this was mine. And it's plausible deniability. Is that the right way to say that? Yeah. But then he's picking women's bags.

So he wants the goodies inside the women's. Or you think he got the fucking dress? I know. It's a good dress too. I'm really, I'm really impressed. Well, I'm so sad that he's not working for the buy them and that's why I shot it. Yeah. I don't really like Tom.

Yeah. That's really cool. It's very sad. Very, very sad. I hope they can find someone else who's into put play to be in government. It's important. Representation is important. Speaking of representation, there's two things I like to point out.

Number one, goth is finally cool. And I would just like to take full credit for being on the cutting edge. I've liked goth culture since, you know, 92. And it's about time that everyone else has finally caught up. Okay. You're welcome. Wednesday on Netflix, possibly the greatest, biggest dreaming show of all time. Both as cool as shit.

But there's some descent in the goth community as to whether or not Wednesday is a good portrayal of goth culture. So even, you know who my favorite goth icon is? Everyone keeps asking me what I think of the new Wednesday show and I'm not watching it. Oh, I'm not watching it because I don't like Tim Burton and because I've always felt that Wednesday is a goth caricature. For me, it's just a little cliche. It's just a little on the nose for me.

There's one character in media that I think represents sort of the grunge goth that I sort of call myself. And it's Alison Reynolds from the Breakfast Club. Okay. She's more of a natch goth. Like I wouldn't consider Alison's and I know this character very well because I looked up to her when I was like 13. Okay.

She's not like a pure goth. She's not a trad goth. She's like an everyday goth. Like she could work somewhere goth. You know what I mean? I would, you know, whatever. I just think it's a little fucked up that we're fighting amongst ourselves in the goth culture.

You know what I'm saying? I'm looking at you and what you're wearing and thinking of you being like, we're fighting against ourselves. What am I looking at? You look like you run a golf fundraising competition. Don't you love it? Yeah. But I'll have you know this is Dolce & Gaman.

It's very stylish. Yeah, exactly. It looks like you're like, welcome to Pebble Beach. Okay. All right. I really relate to Allison because she represents a goth. You know that she has a very similar voice quality to your friend Jenny, right? Oh, does she?

Yeah. I don't know. If you close your eyes. That is very low maintenance, very thrift store, very pared down, very kind of lazy. And I think it makes sense that we're not really represented because we don't look very exciting. You know, we're not out here in like the corsets and the, you know, white Susie Sue makeup and big pentagram earrings and 10 inch platform demonias.

You know, we are dressed like this. Can you see her play now? And we need her to be represented. Well, she's not even being represented in golf culture, but I will, you know what I will go. Okay. Look, the top may look like, what did you call me? A golf?

Yeah. You're in charge of the fundraiser. Okay. Well, let me tell you something. Here's how I represent my goth roots. Okay. The top may be golf fundraiser. Yeah.

The bottom, Wednesday, Adam loafers bitch. She wears these in the series. Wow. I swear to God. So you have the same shoes on as a fucking 14 year old? Yep. Okay. These are Prada loafers just to be clear.

They're really, they're high end goth. Wow. Okay. My stylist got them for me for special. Irrelatable. Oh, is that, wow, says the most viral rant on the net right now guy. You care to, super relatable. You care to talk about that?

Uh, sure. Yeah. I don't, I mean, I guess, you know, I did a podcast with Bart, uh, it was a few weeks ago and I think I had just seen somebody be like, like, you know, like the podcast. Like the podcast really don't like when you talk about like that you got to watch or you guys will talk about like any success you've had because like I'm having a hard time. So therefore, and I was like, what a fucking loser, you know, like to, to read somebody going like, Hey, uh, you talking about something that's good or, or, or, you know, a success

in your life, it, it makes me feel bad about my life and it just really, I guess two things have kind of come up, uh, repeatedly where I guess it, it strikes a nerve in me just because I go, I just hate being around people who have excuses, you know, cause cause we've all been there. Like I've also, I'm not going to act like I've never, I, I, you know, I've been there and I'm sure I will continue to be meaning it is a, it is a pitfall in life to human thing. Yeah.

I'm not, I'm not immune to them, but I try to not embrace them. And so when I see people going like, you know, when you talk about like a cool thing you got or like, you know, you got a car, you got a car, you know, it sucks because I don't have one. Like, you're thinking like a real fucking dipshit loser, you know, um, cause like you're struggling. Make sure that nobody brings up something that doesn't make you feel a certain way. It's like, look, man, you, I mean, I'll tell, I'll play for you what I said on the show. Every time we talk about like a watch or a car, I'll get us like a bunch of messages

from losers that try to tell me that I'm, I'm making them feel bad about their situation. You're in control of your own situation and your own feelings. So don't put it on me that you feel bad, that I have something that, oh, but I'm struggling with rent this month. Figure it the fuck out. Okay. Like don't make my life be a problem for your life. If you don't like it, guess what?

You're not going to be able to control what people talk about. People are going to talk about things that you don't have for the rest of your fucking life. Here's the thing. If you're, if you're still mad about this, just know that it's your mindset and you're thinking like a fucking loser, but you don't have to. You don't. You can change the way you think, but you have to accept the way you're thinking right

now. It's not going to get you anywhere. You're being bitter. You're being petty. You're insecure. You're not confident. If you just sit around and you, you know what, you only have what you have because of fans. So don't talk about us like that.

Yeah, but you're still a loser if you're thinking like that. You're maybe, I'm lucky to have you as a loser fan, but you don't have to be that way. You could be a winner. So true, Tom. Well, so it, you know, I guess I was bothered because I just, I don't like hearing, I don't like hearing the excuses. You know, the word it would extends to also reminds me of, to me, this has a direct correlation also with health and fitness.

Yes. Because what happens is, you know, again, my whole life, people around me, it's very easy to go like, I, you know, I want to work out and then you go, yeah, but. There's a but. There's always a but. I'm tired or this is, you know, I don't feel like it today. Like there's always an excuse, right? Then I found that the latest thing, this was unexpected.

So there's always, people always have excuses for why they can't. I can't, I got things to do. I can't, this is why I can't eat healthy. This is why I can't work out. So I started to take fitness more seriously, I'd say in the last year, you know. And so some people notice when they go, you know, congratulations or that's great. You know, keep going. Positive.

And then you always find some people who go, must be nice or like, what must be nice? And they're like, I mean, it must be nice that you can afford to, you know, go to the gym and like, I'm like, wait, wait, wait. So is your position that only people with money are into fitness and take care of themselves? Because I can point to you, I can point you towards a hundred more people. I know that don't have money that take their health and fitness very seriously. What about guys in prison? Some of them look real fit.

Yeah. Those guys don't have trainers or diet. And guess what? Nothing. You can go to prison too. And you can get in shape. And that's what we're trying to say here. Yes.

Well, the whole point of this is get arrested and go to prison and lose weight. No, but I tell him, I think when I saw this clip, I was like, that's my baby right there because I feel like today the victim mentality is being embraced. It's embraced. Yes. A decade ago, if you would have said this, it wouldn't have been shocking. People are like, well, obviously there are fucking losers and winners, but now everybody's a winner.

You can't say somebody's a fucking loser and people love here. They love to, to give, like, say their excuses, like they love it and they go, well, you know, it's because of all this. And then they look for the people to go exactly and then kind of pat them on the back for like great excuse for why things aren't working out for you. Great excuse on why you are, have flatlined in life. Great excuse for why you can't go to the gym or like eat healthy. Like that's good, good job coming up with your excuse.

And you're right. It's people who are in shape. They only have, all of them are just in, are just rich, rich people and they, they pay for their gym and their private chefs. Yeah. Okay. Good position to take. Is that I will admit that I think when you and I first started dating, I totally had

a loser mentality. I think it's a, it's part of growing up. It's part of, exactly. And either you overcome your own stuff in your mind that tells you like, I'm not good enough. They had an advantage. Oh yeah. That's another one.

Somebody grew up better. I would tell myself, well, that person had a normal family, so they didn't have to deal with the stuff I did. Therefore they're going to be successful and I'm not. Or maybe they're smarter than me, better looking than me, thinner than me, more talented than me. I'll never make it. I'm a loser.

Rich people are bad. And fuck them. Fuck the winners. And, and you know what I used to do, especially in the beginning of my comedy career, is I would go and look at like back then it was MySpace or Facebook and see what that other comedian had that I didn't have and then be like, yeah, but that's, that person has this and this and this and I don't have that. Fuck that person.

Yeah. Instead of going, why am I envious of that other person? There's something in me that wants what they have, not fuck them, but what do they have that I want? Okay. I want that. How do I get there? Maybe I could befriend that person and ask them how they did it.

Maybe I can like strategize a way to get what I want instead of wasting my energy hating that other person. Yeah. Because that's an energy thing. It's a big energy thing. Either you put it towards hating the motherfucker that has what you've had or towards putting it into you and getting what you want. Like sometimes I used to do this more on Twitter is I would just go really hard on a joke.

Yeah. And then I would lose a bunch of people and then my next tweet would be like, good. I want, I wanted to get rid of the week, you know, and I feel like I haven't done that in a minute. And I feel like doing this really, like if I lost, I lost people that I don't want. Yeah. And it's like, it's a good, it's a really good feeling to get rid of them, you know, it's like, I mean, you know, then there's people who want to get their life together.

Yeah. Yeah. And then I would just go daily, Play the hand your dealt and don't worry about anyone else's hand. That's what I'm saying. That's right. Joseph Bravo, Bravo to Joseph Bravo. Right, Joseph.

Why are you worried about someone else's cards? Don't worry about the fucking. Don't even look in that lane, bro. And then this is, this is like a, the type of, this is how I was honestly before I had any success, which was that when I would see somebody doing much, much better than me, which virtually everybody was, you know, I was excited by it. I saw it as something to strive towards. Like I enjoyed it.

Yeah. I liked seeing. It's a challenge. Yeah. It's a challenge, but it's also, it's inspired. I thought it was inspiring. And that's what this person is like, basically saying. I live vicariously through these two.

Keep talking about, call out the haters. Yeah. It's like, they're. Be a winner, dude. It's the right place to be. You're a fucking winner, dude. Yeah. See, people, people get different things from it, but I think the best thing is that it

pulls the actual, you know, the week and makes it clear who they are. I like that. I like that too. And yeah, I agree. If you want more in life, go get it. Go fucking get it. Don't worry about what other people are doing. Stay in your own lane.

That's right. That's the biggest thing I had to learn. I know you think everything has to do with jeans. Well, I've been on, I know a lot of billionaires and the best of my knowledge, I never saw one wearing a fucking pair of jeans, not one. Not one. Yeah. Not one.

Yeah. I love it. But if you don't think money can buy happiness, you don't know where to fucking shop. You can get money and then go save the world and get money and save the forest in Brazil. You make money and go save global warming, which I don't believe in, I mean, and save the kids in Biafra and all that shit. But without money, you can't save a fucking thing. That's true.

You should understand. Don't the fucking idiots on YouTube understand that until you make some shekels, until you make some fucking coin. You can't help anybody. There you go. I mean, he's right. You can do more help with the world by becoming prosperous. Yeah.

That's true. Man. Take care of your own shit, homie. What if I taught a seminar with him? I would love that. I would pay Tom Dollar to see you and Dan Pena yelling at people. I would like to just be a hype man. Tell him, Dan.

And then he goes on one of these rents. And then when he's done, I go, you fucking cunts. Just walk off. I'm like, what are you doing? I go, I'm just going to back him up. Back him up. I back him up. But what I do believe is that unless you make wealth, you have fewer choices.

I have a lot of choices more than most people in this room, almost everybody in this room, because I've created wealth. You are making the mistake. You're trying to make a difference first because that's politically correct. I believe with all my heart, and I just told Brian this is an announcement, an exclusive, that political correctness is a manifestation of lack of fucking self-esteem because you're all cunts. It's pretty good stuff.

It's always a home run with him. I just miss it. This is why you're fucking poor. I know. I agree with him. Look at the fucking bums you hang around with. Ain't that the truth? When we think back to our comedy careers, who are the worst low-frequency haters, the

open micers? Because you're all so scared and you're competing for this stuff. That's what you see on social media. It's the same thing. Somebody goes, they whine about it, and then they just look for someone to go, yep, right on, man. And so then they stick with another fucking loser. Low-frequency.

Same thing. Whereas you hang out with the guys that are better at you and stand up, and man, watch how much faster you get better at standing up. You start going to the better shows. Yeah, you elevate, and all of a sudden you're like, dude, I'm an eagle now, like Dan fucking pain you out. He's an eagle. Eagles fly alone, bitch.

Yeah. They're solitary. A few days before Christmas, and I would like you to get me a present. Oh, no. I'm afraid. It is pricey. I'm afraid. I think you can afford it.

Put them away. Put those damn teeth away. I want a coyote. Oh. Look at that. That's a coyote. He loves his master. So ugly.

He loves him. So cute. Go away. Go away. Go away. You realize if there's another dog in that house, it's just dead. Get out of here. Get out of my bed.

Get out of my bed. Get out of my bed. You coyote. Crazy coyote. Holy shit. That fucking animal is only trying to assert dominance on you 24-7. 24-7. You're just like, can I bite your throat?

Can I bite your hand? Can I show on the bed? What happened to our rabbit? You see guts spilt all over the kitchen floor. Are any of the squirrels in the neighborhood just fucking gone, dude? That thing wakes up and it's licking your face. What does he feed that? What does he fucking feed that guy?

It's wild. Just neighborhood cats. They're all gone. Yeah. That's a fed coyote, too. That's not that skinny. Oh, my God. This video has since been taken down.

This is not up anymore. Good. Good job, guys. This is idiocy. I mean, lunacy. You don't have a coyote as that. They're not dogs, you guys. They look like dogs.

They're not the same as your sweet little Chihuahua, which by the way, I've been seeing Chihuahua talks. They ain't pleasant either. Yeah, that's true. They're not pleasant. They suck. They're always growling like that, too. Another thing.

Two things we mentioned on the ... Hold on. May I piss before we get into this? Okay. I really want to be empty-blattered to feel the excitement. Go ahead. It's a good topic and I want to participate. Well, two things, really.

Number one, we mentioned this on the live show that the National Enquirer ... They let the conversation begin. Oh, my God. On the first page. I mean, it's just something we have to share with the regular audience. It's so amazing. It has us and Garth Brooks, and it's really a shout out to you, the fan that has made this dream possible.

It is a real dream. Oh, my God. I mean, look at this. It says Garth is stewing over the serial killer gag, and here's what I'll say. We did it together. We did. Team effort. I have to say, this is absolutely a highlight of my entire career.

It's phenomenal. I really like that. Of all the things I've done, I'm the proudest of this because this was really a grassroots effort between the mommies with us over years of hard work and dedication. It's fucking awesome. It's true. Listen, if they print it in the Enquirer, it's true. He's furious.

He's furious. He's very upset. Look at that. They must not like him because look at that shit picture they used in it. They don't like him. They really don't like him. Yeah, they don't. If they liked him, they would have used a flattering photo.

His eyes are half shut. Meanwhile, they pulled a picture off of IMDB for me, which was flattering, and then that's like a nice picture of you too, whether they gave Garth a shit or went, thank you, National Enquirer. More to come. We love you. So anyway, for those that didn't know, it's really in the National Enquirer. It's real.

It's this one with Leno on the... It's real. He's got him, by the way, on Jay Leno. You did. How is he? He's okay. Yeah. He's doing fine.

Poor guy. He's a sweetheart. Yeah. Oh, the next point. So we had played the clip from Erie, Pennsylvania on a few weeks back where they had... I talked shit about Erie, and then the news covered it there, you know? Tom Segura has been vocal about his hatred for Erie. But why?

Does he hate Erie? What happened here that makes him think? Just a depressed town with a depressed economy, and if you live there, you know you're a fucking zero. Okay. So... What an uninspiring VO, by the way, she's like, what is Tom Segura hate Erie, why? And then there's a...

No energy. Part... We almost missed it, honestly, of this segment, where the weatherman gets in his little quip, which is like... It's kind of a staple of local broadcasts, right? So they kind of go between the anchor and the news guy, the weatherman. So David Wolter, yeah, it's tough to describe our home in good conditions this morning, at least when you take a look at what's coming down out the door.

It's a mess out there. I heard for Tom, the reason he's so mad is because he wasn't voted in the top ten of the sexiest bald men alive. That's what I'm hearing. Okay. So he burned me hard on that one. Sick burn, bro. So that was David's joke.

And here's the thing, I didn't even say anything about this. On their own, some people, I guess, messaged him probably, like they do on Instagram, on Twitter, on Facebook, David Wolter on Facebook 87. It's 87 on this one. So anyway... Creative, David. Really stretching the boundaries here of your cool Facebook name. David Wolter, 87.

How fucking lazy is that creatively? Maybe he was born or something. I don't know. So anyway... It's very eerie of him. Uninspiring. I didn't know this. And then I got notified that the first thing he did was he posted about this, right?

And he tells everybody, to those who follow me because of the weather, you might be noticing a lot of weird comments. It's apparently the result of Tom Segura hates eerie. That was about a month back. I made a funny comment about Tom. Word got out to his fan base. So then they are swarming my social media accounts with a bunch of his sayings. The posts were comical for 24 hours, but that's about it.

If you have a legit weather question, just DM me and I will answer it, please don't post in the comment section. All right. Well, that's going to change for sure. You're getting weather questions for the rest of your life in the comment section. I guess he was playing for a second. So he goes, hey guys, you know where the bodies are? And then it's like when someone has a decent setup and then their punchline, he goes, they

are at your mom's house dot, dot, dot in the basement dot, dot, dot where most of you probably live, which is like, if you're talking about like a geriatric person's comment, it's like, why don't you go back to your mom's basement? No, it's like, it is, it is below level one joke making. It's almost as uninspiring as at David Wolter one, which is his Twitter. He couldn't have thought of like Blizzard Man or Weather Guy, Eerie Weather, Wacky Weather, Walter, something. So he went with like, again, a decent setup, a just horrific attempt at a joke with the

basement. Then he just writes, put me on your show, right? Which is like, what? Why? And then it just goes into this. I do feel honored. I'm at the same level. Like he could have had fun with that.

Then he does hashtag, Tom's a girl, a basement dwellers. So now his thing is just to lump the fan base as they're all, they live in the basement, which is like, again, it's like such a hat. It's tacky. And not only that, at your mom's house, we've always celebrated basement dwellers. That's what these walls are. Look at these paintings, man. These guys live.

They live in the basement. Yeah. Yeah. Like you're not insulting our fan base. We fucking love basement dwellers. Dib shit. I mean, this guy wants the heat. He can get it.

A hundred percent chance that Tom Segura basement club will be spitting wasps through the fence of my social media today. Also a hundred percent chance it will not snow here. What does he want? David Wolter one. He wants to be like given a shot to be funny, I think. I think all those weather guys and local news people are always like, I'm pretty funny, you know, like he wants to be a star.

Yeah, I think they want to like, look at, look at my quips. Today is one of the biggest travel days of the year, but for the Tom Segura and then he put in caps, basement club. So now he thinks he's like really jabbing them, you know, uh, the walk up the stairs to your parents rent free kitchen should be easy enough. You need some work. I hear the Falcon. So who's awesome.

Not Tom. So now he's like just trying to, you know, insult all like lump them in as all basement. Here's the thing. Most of them didn't know about this, but now they all will. So, and here's the thing about them. It doesn't matter where you go. You can start new social media, wherever it is, whatever you want to call yourself.

You got a whole new group of people following you and leaving you comments for the rest of your fucking career. And I hope you enjoy it. You earned it. Uh, oh, there's one last thing I should bring up. This is the last one he did. He goes, he puts the, the GIF of me, you know, breaking my shit. He goes, I've decided instead of being on OIMA studios, I want to play Tom

Segura in a game of hoops. I'll wear jeans too. High and tight. And then he wrote, and then underneath it, he puts, it will be total destruction by me. I'll take you up on that. And here's what I'll do. If you want to come to Austin, Texas to play one on one, I will donate $50,000 to

the charity of your choice. If you win, you can name any charity and I'll give them 50 grand. But if I win, you have to make your Instagram public for a year. And you have to post an apology video that I approve of. So the choice is yours. Do you want to give a $50,000 to a fucking whatever weather charity? You want to play ball? Come on down, man.

One on one, two, 11 by ones, old school. And, uh, you know, it'll be recorded, it'll be shot, but you'll have your shot. You can be real funny during it and, uh, total destruction by you. So let's see what you got. I think you're too much of a fucking pussy and you won't do it, but choices yours. I agree. Okay. I think he'll be an eerie Pennsylvania pussy.

And I think he'll come up with excuses, which we covered those sides today. Yeah, it's fucking, I'm busy. It's raining in area. I can't leave. Yeah. Yeah. He can't come here. There's no flights.

I don't think I'll do it. I don't think I'll do it either. Yeah. But if you do, if you want to, do you know where to find us? You guys know what to do. Yeah. You know what to do. David Walter one.

Let him have it. Twitter. Let him know what's up. But serious weather questions only, by the way, to the fans, please. Serious weather questions. Serious. Not the joking. And only in the comments.

On Facebook, David Walter, 87 and on Instagram, he unfortunately went private. But you know, hopefully that'll change. So there's a lot of other questions we have to ask. So enjoy it. You're going to have fun with it, man. Um, one other thing that's actually huge that was only, only teased and told to the pre-show audience, the limited amount of people that got into that show from the live show is that this coming year, we will have a new podcast at YMH studios that

we're super stoked about, uh, because it involves a couple of our favorite people who are very funny, very talented, very sweet. Um, and they're very good podcasters and now they're going to be here. And that is that we will be producing and releasing, distributing a podcast for Rob Eiler and Jamie Lynn Sibler. So that's a huge, huge thing. My favorites. God damn it.

I love those too. They are now Austin residents, both of them. And, um, we'll, we'll be podcasting with them. So it's super, super exciting. Yeah. Rob and Jamie are both super excited. We've been going back and forth about ideas, but what they want to do, they're such a good pair.

They've known each other forever. And I think they're just a dynamic duo together. They are. It's going to be outstanding. I'm a huge fan of pajama pants. Yeah. So I'm excited to see what they bring to studio jeans. They're going to be great.

Um, we're just here to, you know, support and try to elevate and, and just distribute whatever it is they want to do, but they're really talented and we're super lucky to have them. So that's coming, uh, just early next year sometime. All right. All right. Quick break and we'll be right back. And we're back with one of my old buddies from the world of standup comedy.

When I used to do that and he is, uh, he's a phenomenal comedian who just did something that is absolutely outrageous and that he shot two hour specials in one night. Give it up for Chad Daniels, everybody. Let him hear it. Thank you so much. I don't know how the, how did the fuck did you do this? I don't know.

I just, um, how long did you have the idea to do this? I had the idea after we talked about what venue, because I, I thought, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to have a two hour special because I had so much stuff that I hadn't done and then, uh, I thought, well, let's try to do two specials. And they go, well, we only have the theater for a night. And I thought, well, why don't we do just one show, one special? Cause that always works great.

That's what people understand that they never, people who don't like follow the ins and outs, don't realize that specials, the minimum is that people shoot two shows and then they edit together those two shows to make it flow and kind of seamless. And you go like, all right, you know, this one is the baseline. We'll cut back to this, but I might use some stuff and then you cut together. But you were like, I'll do one show at seven, that'll be one hour, right? A couple of hours later, I'll just change shirts and I'll do another hour.

Fucking wild. Well, the good thing is I don't like watching myself. So I don't have to edit. It's true. It's like, there's nothing to edit in. So if a joke sucked, it stays, which is pretty good for your career. That's what I hear. People are going to be watching this.

Like, why didn't he cut to the other one? Oh, there is no, this takes us. So what you did do, you did and, and both were hours, I'm assuming. Or around there and then 55 ish. That's perfect, actually. Um, and it went well. Yeah, it did. I mean, the crowd was, they were, sometimes when you, when you do something

like that, the crowd is nervous because they're not used to the cameras and they're not used to the instruction. So when you go out there and you go, Hey guys, no heckling. They're like, I'm not going to make a noise. Yeah. And so, but this crowd was so good. Some of them came back to the second show because it was different. It was nuts.

And I had, uh, I had snipers located for when people took the SD cards out of the cameras, not just to hold them like this, because if they get damaged, they're done. You're fucked. Yeah. Where'd you shoot? Madison, Wisconsin at the Orpheum. That's a great place.

The, um, you said, you know, I have, I've had the same thing at taping. Sometimes when you walk out, the crowd is so frantic with like excitement. They're like, holy shit. And then they go like, at taping, they go, like, we should be quiet. And you're like, no, you're still, you're still part of this. You got to, yeah. I did this thing for TV is like this, just half hour little silly thing. And I got a standing ovation when I walked out, not one when I left.

That's pretty impressive. That's pretty good. It's like, you guys are going to want to sit down while I shit on you and not enjoy this. Do you know what I had? Uh, so for the first time, cause I had heard friends say that this was the way to do it. And I was like, I'm going to try it.

If I can do it, I'm going to do it. So this last taping I did, uh, like a month ago for a special, I shot four shows, I've never done that. And I've heard, they go, it's going to put you at such a, at such ease with everything. And I was, they were right, you know, cause you have four shots at this. Dude at one of the tapings, I'm, I did, I shot in the round. So, you know, you're performing and you're constantly moving, basically.

You move here and maybe you'd address this part of the blah, blah, blah. And then you turn. So I do a joke at lands here and then I'm transitioning. I start walking this way and I see out of my eye, a guy going like this, right? He's waving and I'm like, this could be a problem. And I just keep, I, but you know, I just keep talking here. And I can't believe I just saw a guy doing this and I stand and I talk to this part and then, you know, punchline.

And as I turn, it's like, it's a transition now. And the guy goes, Hey, Tommy, Tommy. And I go, what? He goes, what's up, man? Oh my God. And I go, what's up? And they're like, nothing. And I go, did you think this was the time to do this?

Like at a taping and it's two guys. And he goes, it is what it is. And I go, great. And then I just, and then I see them getting escorted out. Obviously they're at a taping and the guys told me later, they're like, yeah, they couldn't understand why we were throwing them. They were like, what's the problem? They never do.

That's so crazy. He's just like, heard you were taping four, bro. Yeah. Thought I'd take one of them out. Yeah, take this one. Choose from three, bitch. How do you like me? I can't use this one now.

Yeah. Thanks, man. That's really unique and special. And I just did Dania Beach. And at the last show, I had a man answer a FaceTime call from a coworker that couldn't make the show and he's sitting in the front row. So he's right in front of me and he's like, yeah, talk to her and he's heading the phone back and I was like, what are you doing?

What the fuck are you doing? He's like, it's a FaceTime. She called me and I'm like, and you thought it was okay to answer this in the middle of my show. Did the club do anything? Nope. Not at, no, no, that's all in Florida. They didn't handle that.

So I took the phone and I put her down on the, I just put it on the end of the stage and I was like, have your cunt friend watch the whole fucking show from the stage. I mean, that's a fun one to actually get off stage and be like, oh, so you guys don't want me to come back here? Is that why you didn't do anything? Yeah. Cool.

It's too bad because I like it. It is strange too, because she called me. Yeah. I thought there was no outgoing calls. Right. The distinction was clear. I didn't know I couldn't answer here. I told a crowd that they were horrible and, and then this man just yelled

up from the back, what's your definition of happiness? I'm like, what are we even do? What are we doing? What? Yeah. Not this. I know that. We're not going to go to a real place, sir.

Yeah. I've had those like audience questions and you're like, we're not, no, this isn't a fucking press cut. We're not doing this, right? You're not interviewing me. Yeah. Oh my God. Because you suck.

I'm sorry. No, it just takes you out of the fun. Like you're, you're in and you're like, let's go in this magical land. And then someone's like, no, I'm going to fuck you up. Fuck your shit up. And you're like, dude. Yeah. And, and you look out and you see people having fun and you go, well, maybe they

drove in, maybe they flew in, maybe they have a hotel, maybe they have a babysitter, all this stuff. And all you want to do is spend an hour just face fucking the person that's asking you what's your definition of happiness. You want to take all of their happiness away from you, but then you have to, you have to remember there are people there to have, what changes I think in the performance that only like really comedians get this is if you get, if somebody like really disrupts you, throws you, does the face time or like starts

asking you what's your definition is that you go on, you're on the stage and you're like, I don't want to be like vulnerable or open anymore. So like if that was coming up, that's gone. So now you're going to get a different show. You're going to get surface level, maybe aggressive stuff because like you are no longer somebody that I want to like connect with. Yeah. I'm just going to give you become a little more protected.

Yeah. Yeah. I think the show changes for sure. And it's sex because it's only that one guy usually. Yeah. Usually a guy or some drunk bitch, it's not the whole room. And I hate that I, I can't control my temper sometimes. Yeah, everybody.

Yeah. Like sometimes I'll just see red and I'm like, fuck your mother. Do you fuck your mother? You fucking cunt. And then I'll just want to kill him. You should be allowed to murder. Don't you think like you should be allowed to have her? You should.

You know how when you walk in and you're taping something and it says, like, Hey, just so you know, your likeness may be on film. There should also be like a little thing that goes and also you could be murdered. Yeah. But just by the comedian. So watch your and you're agreeing to this by sitting in here. Exactly. Yeah.

You could lose your life at the show if you're a pit, if you're a bitch cunt. That would be rad. You're a stupid drunk fuck cunt who answers based on culture. Two weeks into dating my girlfriend, she goes, she goes, I really think we're supposed to be together. Do you think that? And I said, well, even if I did, you're not getting anything for me now, like you were talking about with the crowd and it reminds me it

immediately, it immediately reminded me of shrink, just being like, even if I did, I'm not going to tell you. So that's, it's the same thing. It's like, don't, don't come at me with your stuff or else I'm going deep. Yeah. I'm going deep into my own. So, so her, it turns you off that she, she led with her answer first. I don't care if you have, if you say that stuff to me, it doesn't make me

uncomfortable, but then don't go, are we on equal playing fields? Yeah. That's, that's too much for me. That's putting me on the spot. But only because it's too early. Only because no, no, no, if we could be together for 100 years, please don't put me on the spot. Oh, don't put you on the spot.

So my kids, my kids, when they would come in, they knew not to ask if someone could stay overnight in front of that kid. Cause the answer was automatically no. Cause it's like, I like that kid. And this could have been a really fun evening, but you put me on the spot and I don't know what happened to me and my youth. Yeah, but I don't like it. Yeah.

I like that. I respect that. Yeah. I just don't like, no, I don't. And then I, so I did, so I do stand up comedy. Yeah. Cause I'm trying to do it every night. Cause I'm trying to think of a question cause I probably do that.

I probably, I put you on the spot all the time there by his definition. Yeah. Cause I'm trying to think of like, how much you would hate me. Cause that, that's, that's what I specialize in. But do you, so do you start a conversation? Do you ask a question only to get, to give your answer? No, not all the time. Okay.

Sometimes, sometimes I want to set them up and yeah, I'd be like, this one's going to be fine. But like the other day we were looking at the Christmas tree and I genuinely, I genuinely wanted to know. I was like, what do you feel when you look at a Christmas tree? Like really, what do you feel? Literally sitting, what do you feel when you say, I'm like, what? She's like, do you, what do you feel?

And I'm like, I mean, calm. I like, I like it. It's a serene, like the lights are beautiful. It's nice. She's like, oh, okay. Were any of those answers sufficient? Yeah. She was like, okay.

Oh, that's nice. I was genuinely curious, curious. And then you shared what you felt, which was much more. And I was like, it's fucking typical dumb broad. But at least you waited for his answer. I have an uncle that wouldn't even stop his breath. It would be a continuous. He'd be like, Hey, what do you think about this Christmas tree?

Well, when I was a boy, Christmas trees made me feel. And it's like, whoa, yeah. Is that what, is that why you don't, is that part of your not on the spot? I don't think so. Not your mom, maybe. But I think it's rude. I get the don't like, hey, can this kid spend the night? And I don't like that either.

I would be like, no, because the way you did this was not. It's manipulative. Yeah, it is. It's, you know. Yeah. It's like when you go through a drive through and then somebody, they go, Hey, do you want to try our chicken taquitos? And you go, well, that's why I came here, but not anymore.

I don't want you to think you have power of suggestion over me. Yeah, I understand. So I'm going to leave. I'm going to come back tomorrow when someone else is working. I hope they don't have the same script. Yeah. I can't handle it. I don't know what my problem is, but if somebody, I don't want to go.

Yes. Yeah, I'm glad you asked me that. Like you're, you're like, you're falling into a trap, like the trap is set. And you're like, I felt like, do you feel like almost like you were, there's like a bit of shame to being. Yeah. I don't, I just don't, I want that person to know. Listen, bro, I'm my own fella.

I'm going to order what I want. I'm a big boy and I've earned it. Can I tell you, I got a rationally upset. I was walking through the airport and I saw that brand that says life's good. And I've always hated this brand. I've always resented being told how to feel about life. Right. How do you fucking know that every person that walked, life's good.

Like it's not good for everybody. Yes. Don't fucking tell me how to feel about life. Fuck you. Change the wording. Is life good? You know what I'm saying? It's like, you can't, yeah.

Somebody's walking back. They're flying to like their mom and dad died in the house. Fire. Yeah. And they're like, life is good. Life is good. Yeah. The fact that they just don't come in and just with their lighter, start one

shirt on fire and walk out like, get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Cause sometimes life isn't good. And for everybody, what if you just got your fucking legs amputated? Has anyone ever told you? Like that you look like a bearded Richard gear. Like if you're such an asshole, you do. Oh, I sure don't.

Your hair. I look like, so here's, can you also pull up a Tim Allen as he's becoming Santa Claus? Cause that's who I look like in the, in the midst of the transition. Your hair looks good. It does. Nice fucking head of hair. It's nice of you.

Thank you. Yeah. Right there. Oh my God. Yeah. I look just like him. That's no shit. Look at that.

Oh my God. When we were here, the thing when we were in, we went to Asia together and we did Hong Kong, Singapore and Macau. And so there, you know, obviously there'd be all these people. I was, I told him how handsome he was. He looked like Richard gear. And then I would tell like local women, I've got to go, that's Richard gear over there and they were like, Oh, and they autographed picture.

Look at how young and skinny I was. Yeah. No beard. Yeah. I was also very skinny. Um, yeah, it looks like we're in trading places. It looks like we're in an episode of freaky Friday. That goddamn fountain.

The, uh, so, so I would get girls and I'd be like, Hey, hey, hey, look how handsome they'd be like, huh, yeah, and they'd go talk to him. And he'd be like, yeah, nice. And then, uh, so one of them one time, so we're just in like some bar or something. And this girl randomly walks up to him and I see Chad take her by the shoulders, spin her and then push her away. He's like, thank you. And then she like shoves her away.

And he goes, yeah, she told me that you said, I go, I didn't talk to her. He's like, Oh, so some random lady, he was like, get the fuck out of here. The third woman to ever compliment my looks in my life. Once my mom came up to me and I spun her and asked her to leave. Go get out of here. He's like, she told me what you said. I was like, I didn't tell her. And it was so fun.

That was a Chad and I and Pete Lee. Yeah. And Lewis Lee, I should of course point out no relation. They look alike, but they are, they just have a similar aspect. You would see them and go, Oh yeah. Okay. Yeah, they're related. Yeah.

They're sweet dudes. What a good crew you guys are. Yeah, that was a fun time. If you, if you haven't seen it, it's I Need You To Kill. You can see it on Amazon. Uh, I think, I don't know. I don't know. I think it was, it is.

Can I ask you what you said back to your girlfriend? I'm still stuck on this. Oh yeah. What did you respond when she said that to you? I said exactly what I told you, even if I did think that I will not tell you that right now. You put me on the spot. Because yeah, because we've had this conversation because she has done that

before where she'll just, um, I am having the best time with you. Are you having the best time? It's like, stop doing that. Oh, I, yeah, when I'm, when I'm having the best time, I'll turn to you and go, Hey, I'm having the best time. True. And do you, but no, I never say that, but still, even if I'm having the best time, she's probably, I know, she's probably worried because I could be having the

greatest, like right now you need to know something. My legs, I'm in a full stretch, right? But you can't tell because I'm sitting here and I'm fighting through the pain. I'm, I'm not a flexible human being. So when I cross my legs in a weird way, I go, Oh yeah, that's my hip flexor. And so when I'm sitting with her, I could be having the greatest time, but I'm just kind of like looking, just staring, whatever. And she's probably worried I'm not having a good time, but I'm having a great

time because she's, she's wonderful. So are you, so I get that if you're feeling a certain way, you'll share that. If, if she wants to, or somebody wanted to get an, what's the way to ask you where you don't feel so pressed, but somebody can ask, you know, out of curiosity. Oh boy. I don't know. Maybe later, maybe after the situation, like, Hey, hey, 20 minutes, 20 minutes ago, were you happy we were playing cards or something like that?

Then you don't feel as much as that level of pressure. You know, the more I talk about this, the more I realize I'm just a huge bitch. Yeah, that sucks. After I answered that question, I go, Oh, something's wrong with you. You need another person to wait 20 minutes for feeling validation. Who the fuck are you, the gatekeeper? But I put to your, but to your point, I think the way it's phrased is pressuring. It's like, I'm, I'm going to use a different example.

Like, gosh, I like you so much. I think we should get married, don't you? And you're like, whoa, that's a lot, that's a lot. So I'm having the best time, aren't you? It's very leading. Right. And it's also, let's be honest, it's a fucking chick move. It's what you guys do.

They do that shit a lot. You guys go like, I'm, I'm doing this is such a great, don't you feel the same way? And like, and then us men, we have to go like, yeah. And then you go like, well, you don't seem like you're really having the, I mean, do you not like the question? Are you not having a good time? And then you guys turn into like investigators. But I do, I do understand why you have to ask.

Because most of the time we are just mouth breathing. Yeah, you're just just sitting. You guys are sociopathic, dead inside, no feelings. And I have a lot of feelings inside. I just don't put them to my face. You just don't. Yeah. Yeah.

They just don't, they don't show. And that's why we get confused. Because we're like, do you like being here right now? Or would you rather be staring at the wall alone? Or, you know what I mean? Like, we don't know. Yeah. You know what this could be?

It could be from movies from the 80s. Right. Where there was this nice guy and he was like, I'm having a great time. And then the girl's like, oh, are you? And then she go fucks the guy with the leather jacket. And then they, then they come back together at the end. But I'm trying to avoid the fucking of the leather jacket. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want you to stay the whole time without having to go there to learn that I'm the right person. Got you. Yeah. You're just going to be stoic and like, like, like Jackie O'Nassis, like aloof and mysterious. You're, you're maintaining your aloof. Yeah. When my, when my girlfriend gets shot in the head while we're going,

where, why we're on the back of a convertible. I just want to be able to be like, I'm having a great time, but you can't. I didn't mean, I guess that was worded differently. I shouldn't have said it like that, but oops. Right. Like, not a big deal. I'm cool. Yeah.

And you go pick up the back of her head as it falls off the back. Yeah. I got it. Yeah. I care about you. Just like, I'm having a wonderful time. Are you having a wonderful time? Just holding up the scalp.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess it does feel like pressure when a woman grills, like asks you how you feel. It is like, I don't know how I feel right now. It usually, it's also saying for anybody, whether this is men, like that when someone's ready to express something, you should also be ready to express that. Like you might not be ready to express that emotion in that moment. Or maybe you don't know.

Maybe you don't even know how you feel. Yeah. There are a lot of times where it's like, I didn't even know we were having feelings right now. I thought we were just doing this thing. Yeah. I'm digesting this burger. Yeah.

I'm just, I just want to sit and enjoy it. Listen, here's the thing. If I'm not having fun, you, I'll believe. Yeah. I mean, Oh, that's such a, you know, women forget that. That if guys are not interested, they don't show up. Right.

They just don't court you. They don't call. They don't go to see you. Yes. That's how guys let you know. Women are vague, more vague. We're afraid to say no. Maybe we think, but I said something like, did you really say no?

Or did you kind of like hint? So that, that's probably why we, we girls are a little more. I run at about 120 degrees at all times. Wow. And so if you're sitting by me and any part of your body's touching my body, you don't have to ask me if I'm having a good time because I'm putting up with this extra goddamn heat because I want to be there. That's what he's talking about.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Totally. It's like the fact that I'm letting any part of your body turn my leg to 140 all of a sudden, it's like, Hey, I'm clearly happy to be here or I wouldn't be putting up with this shit. That's true. Yeah.

I could use a cuddle every now and then. What? You just got to get through that pussy haze. You know, like Harry. Oh, I tell you about pussy haze. Harry and Meghan Markle. Like he's so and he's like, he's coming out of, he's coming out of pussy haze where he's like, Oh, this one's a troublemaker.

She's like a mile, I think. Ruining relationships with my family, with me in laws. Is she? Yes. She's dropped an atomic bomb on the real five. Oh yeah. She's, but he's condoning. He wants it.

He can't say no to mummy. So he's going to date a woman that will say no for him. That's what these royals do. This has happened historically in the family. They fall in love with a woman who's ill-suited. Right. And that's their excuse to get out of being in the family. And then she turns to him and she goes, Hey, I hate your family.

Do you hate your family? Totally. He's like, Um, well, yes. That's a nice reflect, mummy. I wonder what that stipend is like. If he's kicked out, like they don't, he doesn't have, he doesn't actually work. So it's like, did he get. I can tell you what it, what is it?

So you don't get royal money anymore because that comes from the taxpayers. But what he does have is money that he inherited from Princess Diana. So he has a fund set aside for him that the Spencers or whatever had. Well, this says, do you know how big it is? This says that his annual allowance was five to 6.9 million pounds for that year. It's played for their public duties. If you're in the royal family, that is your stipend, right? For travel, for everything.

But once you leave the duties of the family, which they have, they're on their own. They no longer get that salary. This is the ultimate letting someone touch you and making you warmer. Yeah. If she's ever like, I'm having fun, are you having fun? It's like, I fucking left five million pounds a year, lady. I'm having a great time. Yeah.

You have to know that just by being here. So wait, where do they get their money? So if it's not, now he can be, they can work, right? Because they're no longer working royals. They're just civilians. So they can make money however they choose. But the money that he initially had was from the Spencer to Diana fund. That one.

The Netflix salary, they made 40 mil. They did. They made a lot. 40 million dollars. Smokes, God. Yes. A lot of scratch for this Netflix thing. That's pretty crazy.

Um, all right. Well, that's going to set them up for a while. And if they leaked a sex tape, that would set them up for the rest of their lives. And I just need a quick 10% for a finder's fee on that idea. Wow. So. Oh, and Henry, Harry's also coming out with an auto biography called the spare. Yeah.

A lot of stuff going on. Okay. So yeah, they got. She's, Megan's coming up with a children's book called the bench. And it just opens with this is where my family makes me sit. Out in the entryway on a bench. No, he's. Yeah.

No, he did this is bad. This is no bueno for the family. They, they hate them right now in the UK, which is so funny to me. Yeah. Anyway, she's a nightmare. Oh, well, I don't know anything about her other than she was on suits. I mean, USA suits. I don't know.

We don't know her either because this, this documentary, as far as I'm concerned, you still don't know who the bitch is, you know, it's not like she's, she's, she's, she's very smart. I think she's very cunning. I think she, she's a savvy broad. She's a savvy broad. I think she was very book smart and she was a dork growing up. And then she got hot.

That picture that's highlighted right there. You can see in her eyes. It's like a gotcha bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. It is. Yeah. Look what I did. That's what this is.

Look what I did. Yeah. I recognize that for my daughter. Yeah. That's an I got you a bitch. Look, yeah, I got you a bitch. Do you know she, look at him. He's like, I don't know what happened, but I'm in this deep pussy.

Hey, that's what his eyes. I'm a bitch and I've been gotten. Yeah. God damn. Yeah. So they can make their money now, however they choose. Yeah, how they're choosing to is by selling out the royal family, which is fucking amazing.

It's gay and retarded. It's gay and retarded. It is. It's so gay and retarded. Like you should never talk that much shit about your in-laws, bro. Like blow up their family biz like that. Yeah, it's pretty. It is pretty steep.

I mean, to go all in on your in-law, like to just blast. Like, yeah, I don't feel like she could actually go to England. No, no, no, no, she's done. And they're saying they're not invited. They shouldn't be invited rather to the coronation of King Charles. I'll be there. Oh, nice. Are you invited me?

I can't wait to go. Can I be your plus one? No. No, I guess some other friends really want to go. Camilla punk of bows. Yeah, that's going to be such a bore. What a bore. It's ours.

It's so fucking boring. King of England is great. Congratulations on all your tireless work. Yeah. Yeah. Who wants to watch these ceremonies? I mean, they're so fucking boring. And that's the crazy thing.

It'll be like two billion people watch this. Something like that. Are the weddings even? My God, it's everything is so glacial pace. The lady that just pushed you out of her vag for six hours died. Yeah. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Yeah. You needed her to fucking finally go for you to get the crown on your head. And for us to all play pretend that you are. The Royal King of England. I know. And it's so funny because their constant struggle is to legitimize themselves as royalty. Like what job? If you have to keep justifying your existence of that job, chances are it's not a real job anymore.

Chances are. You know, if your problem is legitimizing it all the time. Throwing this out there. I'll sword fight him. Yeah. No training. I have no training and I'll sword fight him and be like, who's a king now? Motherfucker.

Yeah, dude, you know how tight it would be if you be the new king of England. You have no idea. Yeah. You know how long this bearded be? Oh my God. I'd have braids in it, let people know. And when your girlfriend's like, are you having a fight? You'd be like, not with you anymore.

I'm the new king of England. I'm sure not. Princess. You see the difference? I think you should be able to challenge King Charles to a duel. And if you win, you get to be the new king. I completely agree. Everybody should.

That would boost the morale like around the monarch. He's in his 70s. He's going to die soon anyway. Yeah. You may as well make it fun. Don't just wait for him to die. Yeah. He really looks like shit, too.

Look, he's going to die any minute. He looked like shit, but the whole time. Always. He did a little shit. He was hot when he was like 28, but Google him. Yeah, dog. Okay. You think so?

Hell yeah. Prince Charles, 28. Watch that shit playing polo on them horses. If it can you get a picture of him smiling at 28? Because I'll tell you something, it's not going to work out for you. Look, he was cute. No, why did you say? You said hot.

Polo. I said fucking polo match. Him on. He's a teenager there. That's him. It like eaten. No, it looks like the littles. Oh my God.

Find him on the polo horses when he was cute. You know, he was cute. Okay. Okay. Polo. All I know is I'm feeling worse about myself every time you say something. Go ahead. He was cute when he was younger.

Yeah, you're not going to believe any of her compliments. I know. She's like, Prince Charles was hot when he was young. He was in good shape. He would go to the, this is where he met Camilla. He was banging Camilla and Diana and everybody. He was quite a ladies man back in the day. Ladies man.

Yeah, with that face. Horse face. The cry, mummy. You know, you want to hear a real cool detail about him? See, he looks cute there. You want to hear a cool story? Uh, so Prince Charles. Wolf, I'm starting to rub you.

Do you have a picture of a horse riding him because they got confused in the stables? Look at his face. Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about? No, he's cute when he's young. Stop, you're taking a bigger hole. I like him. Okay. So, so, but listen, listen, do you know what he did?

So Prince's Diana has their first child, like literally they go home from the hospital and then he goes right back out and plays polo like 10 minutes later outside of the palace and they're like, yeah, big deal. He's the prince. Deal with it. You got hooked up. You got an easy life. Fucking stupid broad.

You look how many, look how many staff are here to help you out. Change the diaper yourself. That's a real man right there. Never mind. I respect him a lot more. You like that? Yeah. I've seen 50 pictures of him and he just looks the same, but with dyed hair when

he's young. Yeah, it looks absolutely the same. I think you have a, I think you have a secret thing going on. She's always been like, look at dog face char and then today she's like, he was hot. He was hot when he was playing. There's like a vacation photo of him when he's like young enough with the hair and he's, my hair is so dry, but you've been doing it for hours. Stop.

I gotta get my earlier picture. No, that's all it's by then he's old. He looks like a fucking bass at home. No, he's like 30 there and they age poorly. Oh yeah. Two years after you said he was hot, he looks like shit. Just accept that you got it wrong. I didn't get it wrong.

I'm telling you, I saw pictures of him. Was it a picture where his face was obstructed? Actually, did you think it was the guy from that played him in the movie? No, Dominic, what's his name? I don't like that guy actually. I don't like him playing Charles. So there's a, there's a mystery photo somewhere where she's like, I'll find it someday where he looks good.

I wonder if people, I wonder if people are going to do this when I'm king. Yeah, I know. I wonder if they're going to look for pictures. She has hot. He used to be. Where? He used to be good. Exactly.

Well, check him out when he was in nowhere. I need you to kill. He looked like Richard Gere. I've heard it. Okay. We're still searching for that photo. That one good photo of somebody, of one of the most famous people in the world. There's millions.

You're like, not this one, not that one, not this one. Oh, what about, what about that one? Oh, that's cute. I was going to make sure she looked. Come on. Okay. Well done. I thought it was cute.

Let's just, uh, there was a documentary I saw and, um, he looked pretty fun. Let's move on. Okay. So it's right. We can't find one hot picture of Prince Charles. Horrible or hilarious. You look at the screen. I'll play you something.

I liked it. Those LOLs. That's hilarious. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.

And it's also, I think it's funnier that it's a woman, you know? It is. It's unique. I think anyone that goes into a ring with a bull, if they get hurt, it's like, yeah, no shit. Yeah. You're not top of the food chain in there. In there.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Oh, whoa. I like it. I still love it. It was good. Yeah.

That was a good one. Yeah. Look how fast he's going. And you know what? Just people know he's fine. We checked it out. Any, so I think it's hilarious. Anytime we follow the rules, right?

Bull beats person. Yeah. Car beats skateboard. Anytime we follow those rules, I think we can laugh at it. Do you know what I, I just remember, I had a flashback right now to Hong Kong. I was with this fucking lunatic and we were out late and he took the lid of a trash can and wrote it down a hill. I remember hearing about this.

And it was raining. It was raining and it went fast on a long, windy hill and just narrowly missed a car. I had to do the reverse one to get out of the street because I didn't know I was going to go in that far. Yeah, it was pretty wild. And then he was like, I'm fine. Yeah. We were all like, Oh my God, you have two children.

You dumb bitch. Yeah. Yeah. I hear that fucking bullshit all the time. All right. Here we go. Here we go. Oh, I don't like it.

Oh, it was just that person, that person is, well, hold on. Now I got to go to my theory here. Right. Mountain beats person. Yeah. It's funny. I got to plug in. They really got some crazy, crazy air going in.

I mean, that flip was wild, right? Yeah. Do you, is the noise we hear the spine snapping? I don't know. I don't think they're awake anymore. So, yeah. Fuck. Yeah.

Cause that body went so limp. Yeah. The sticks fell off. Yeah. That's crazy, right? Isn't it hard for them to pop off? I don't. They don't pop off real easy, right?

They do if you hit the ground like that. Oh, God, that's crazy. Yeah. That's what Charles is going to look like when I duel him. Let's see here. Duel. Duel. Oh, this is brutal.

I don't see this. I don't like it. These are all, oh, okay. All right, Chad. What's the verdict? I don't even know. That's, it's not horrible and it's not hilarious. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, but weights do beat human. Weights do beat human, especially fucking old Ichabod crane legs. I mean, what are you doing? Yeah, you got to build your muscles up first. Split squats with a barbell, which is not the, I mean, obviously you can do it. I think most people usually do those with like dumbbells or kettlebells, but like she's got the bar on her back and then her back leg just gives out, I guess. I mean, you can still see the bottom of her shoe.

Pointing up towards her ass. Yeah, yeah. That's not great. Bro, I don't do this shit. Yeah. Women don't, why are you doing this to yourself? Oh, her shoe came off. Oh, her shoe came off.

Interesting. That's what happens there. Okay. So I had a buddy in a softball tournament, really athletic dude in high school, but gained a ton of weight after high school and he was trying to turn a, well, actually, it should have been a triple, but he's just overweight at the time. And so he tried to go into second base and he slid too early and we heard this snap and he was just holding his leg up and his foot was completely just dangling there.

And so, so he has a bunch of like metal in there, a bunch of screws and everything. And then we got a little too intoxicated playing golf and it was raining. And so we were doing that thing where you crank the wheel and hit the brakes and spin. And it, the, we're up on a hill and the cart fell on him and did the same thing to again, the same ankle and he was so drunk. He just, he like tried to walk it off and we're like, dude, maybe not. So he had a surgery again. He went in and they said, uh, not a lot we can do for this.

We can set it, but you hit, there's so much arthritis from the first time that they're like, you're going to be limping for the rest of your life. No. Yeah. God, good news is he hasn't had a drink since. Well, yeah. Was he still fat? Probably.

Fuck. I have no idea. Arthritis. Yeah. All that stuff. Dang. Pretty brutal though, just to, to go in and your cleat catches. And then all of a sudden you're just holding it up to your friends because

you're a little bit in shock. Yeah. Yeah. He's a, uh, deconditioned athlete, as they say, I learned about that. Yeah. He was trying. He was the thing is he was athletic, but, um, so when you're like D like deconditioned, it's that you don't have the support to do those.

Like you're still have the same athletic, athletic kind of desires. And then you go, your brain thinks it goes, let's do this, but your body isn't ready for it anymore. You know, your brain goes, Hey, jump. And your Achilles tendon goes, yeah. And then, and then you land on your arm and your arm breaks too. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's a weird one. That was weird. Um, yeah, that wasn't so good. Anyway. Um, so back to, I'm sorry, cause we started talking about what you did, which is I, for people, I don't think any comedian, every comedian in the world

would hear what you did and go like, what in the fuck? You shot two separate one hour specials on the same night. Yeah. I was just walking into Walmart where it's where I have to get my groceries and you texted me what, how the fuck are you doing that? And I was just, I was giggling and people were staring at me, but when you walk into Walmart, they're like, yeah, this is part of the people just giggle at yourselves.

Yeah. Yeah. They think you just saw a video of like a cat hanging up a Christmas ornament. And they're like, I like it here. I like it. Um, but then for like, it is so unheard of, it's so unheard of. I don't, I've never heard of anybody doing this before. I checked it out and I don't think anyone has.

That's pretty cool to have, uh, something that's never been done and somebody will try to do it and then they'll fuck it up. But you'll be like, yeah, probably shouldn't. I've been, you know, doing these little things throughout my career. And, uh, Louis CK just always seems to be once. So I, I filmed a special at ACME long time ago, just for like, it was like 10 grand or something, nothing. I was going to put it out on YouTube for free.

And then it was already shot. And before I made the announcement, Louis, he was like, Hey, I'm going to put this special out for free on whatever. And so he's just always one step ahead of me. And so the morning I was going to do these two specials. My buddy Ali texted me and he was like, um, Hey man, have fun tonight. Don't know if you heard last night, Louis CK did three specials. And I was like, you motherfucker losing my mind and I had just woken up.

So I believed it. Yeah, sure. And I was fucking Googling and like all this stuff almost broke my thumbs trying to figure it out. And then I talked to Ali and he was like, Oh, I'm just kidding. Relax, I was losing my shit. Well, I mean, yeah, he's always ahead of the curve on that stuff. He really does.

Um, but then you'll have now the, the option to, I mean, to have such a unique back, you'll have a double back to back, double header. Like, I don't even know what I haven't thought this far ahead. It's very cool. I'm excited for you. Oh, thanks. Yeah, yeah. I'm excited for them to come out and just have people see it.

And as long as, you know, like I said, but I think if they know the story, it'll people be like, Holy shit, these are in one take. Yeah. But if people are like, Oh, he shot two of these and this is what he got. No, no, it'll be, it'll be funny. That's going to be great. Well, thanks. Yeah.

You're so funny. It's nice to you. Thank you so much. You've been funny for forever. You're very funny. Do you think I'm funny? I'm sorry. Oh, no.

I'm sorry. I threw the table through the glass. I like you. Do you like me and what I do? You want to play it for him? Yeah, I'm dying. I'm waiting for him. I'm chomping.

All right. Uh-oh. I've been curating some fucking massive shit. Are you ready? Tiktoks, I curate them, but not the normal ones, the outliers. That's her way of describing it. They're marginalized people in the Tiktok community. OK.

And I feature them and give them a voice. That's really nice. You're welcome. Your feelings might go all over the place. Just so you know, I have not seen anything that you're about to see either. These are all Christina's. It's her own thing, and it's a ride. Sometimes you just feel really sad the whole time.

Sometimes you laugh, sometimes you laugh, and then you cry. Yeah. Sometimes you're just confused, but it's all things that she pulls on her own and they prep it for us. It's my passion project, if you will. OK, here you go. Oh. What are we looking at?

The man's got like a calcium deposit. Man, this is a man, a human man. Yeah, calcium deposits that they have to, like, de-crustify, basically. They're just so gnarly. I got into watching these because they're so satisfying. Watch when the the dentist finally gets it off, you're going to be like, oh, yeah, looks like a big piece of popcorn.

But it's not deposits of nasty shit. Oh, isn't that cool? Usually homeless people, but that is remarkable. Yeah, that's just fun, dude. Oh, that's that's built up fun, homie. Like it's like chunks of plastic. Yeah, plaque. Yeah, just just yucky.

That's why you should brush your teeth. How do you like the TikTok segment? I don't care for it. Yeah. I had no clue that was a human's mind. You started a human man. What is happening? Yeah. Yeah.

But it is satisfying to watch that chunk come off, right? Yeah, it's satisfying, but I just want to have so many like back questions. Like, is he going to know how to chew now? Because that seems like he probably used that too. That's true. And he's missing that. Do they have to pull the tooth out? Because that didn't look great at the bottom.

I'm sure there's some rod in there, definitely. They're going to have to fill that in. It is so nauseating. Can I just play the next one so I can get this off my screen? Sure. Fuck. Amazing how tired you can be. Come home, need a shower.

Can barely stay awake to take the shower. And then when you take the shower, you're nice and refreshed. Now you're not sleepy anymore, and it's late. OK. That's a really... But how relatable is that? Troubling. Really troubling person in message.

At one time, did it look like his lips stopped moving, but he was talking through puffy cheeks? Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of dudes that do shit like this, like unnecessary shirtless, you know, bad angles, creepy message, creepy smile, and they're just like, they think this is attracting a mate, you know.

Because he's trying to be round about cool. Like, I'm just here shirtless. I had this really neat thought. Oh, he took a shower. I don't know. You guys ever noticed how... You notice that, too? And then some chicks are going to be like,

I totally get that. You guys ever get home and you're pretty tired, then you go take a shower and you realize you can bring dinner down to the girls in your basement? That's insane what he's doing. It's barely stay awake to take the shower. And then when you take the shower, you're nice and refreshed. You're refreshed.

Now you're not sleepy anymore. Oh, here you go. Yeah, the cheek puff. Yeah. And then also, why did that make you smile? You know, that reminded me of like Garth being like, and the refugees. The refugees.

What? Yeah, it's off. And also it's not a genuine smile, right? Because the smile is always in the eyes. It's never in the mouth. When someone just smiles with a lower half. Yeah. It's totally fake.

So I don't like that one. You good? I'm just writing stuff down. Okay. Pretty girls eat me, too. Okay. You just know that is a wall piece of meat. She's eating off the bone.

She's cute. I like her. I know you like her. Yeah. If she asked me if I was having a good time, I'd be like, I'm having a great time. You know, I watch stuff like this and I go, I'm right not to care about others.

I really feel like my position in life is right. It's solidified by watching. Sure. I get it. You want meat, but it's, she's all done up and she's, this is like kind of a braggadocious kind of raw meat. Yeah. Yeah.

Is this the young female version of come and get it like the last one? No. Well, okay. So I think what this is because there's a whole raw meat eating community out there where people are showing you how macho and masculine they are. And this is like the like, I can get like,

it's like, like I'm a hot chicken. I can do the town. It's like when like girls are gamers too. Like I like guy shit too. That's what she's trying to do. She's just getting, you know. This is supposed to appeal, like get fans. Right.

It's like, look how I'm, I'm fucking pretty wild. Okay. And I did notice there was a, I think a purposeful sloppy noise while she was eating. Yeah. That was probably was on purpose. Yeah. That makes sense.

Oh, I love this shit. The guy shows you how fast those hands are. Yeah. This is another lane. That's my favorite, the, the alone guy doing nun shucks or the alone guy just punching in the apartment. That's always cool. He's just like, check this shit out.

Yeah, he's fast. It seems like it's sign language for this is why I'm alone. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. There's some guys that also, I like when they take it to the next level, which is they address the camera and they're like, so if a man were to enter right now and they

just start, you know, and they start telling you how to defend yourself and you're like, yeah, it's very good. I always love when guys that do martial arts are like, okay, so I'll show you what I learned, but you got it. So come at me. No, dude, slower. Yeah. Yeah.

You got to move your hands slower. Yeah, slow down, slow down. You think someone's going to punch you in slow motion? And this guy's not. Come from the right. Hit me over here. Exactly. I only trained where my son say, okay.

Yeah. Yeah, he did speed up that footage too. And what does it say there in, is that Spanish or Italian? Pasione a lo speck. No, that's definitely not Spanish. Yeah, that's maybe Italian, Italy. Very sped up though. So he was trying to actually.

He sped up the footage. Sure. Yeah, look how fast he's going. Yeah. Oh. Look at how the rest of his movements, like his head turning. Yeah, he faked it, you guys. Yeah, he's not nearly that fast.

No, he fooled me. I was like, wow, this guy's, this alone guy is pretty fast. And it sucks because it's still not that fast. It's not that fast. He sped it up to go not that fast. So you know I can do the mouth thing. Oh my God. Can I have a bit of wings?

And I can, or at least I used to be able to do it like this. Holy shit. I don't know. I used to be able to go like so much farther. Oh, there's the arm thing. Okay, just so you know, I would marry her every day. I know, babe. Um, so this woman can, she's very flexible.

She's like triple jointed. Yeah, but even in like the, uh, the, this is. The mouth is crazy. That is crazy. Do you remember the commercial? You can fit your whole bag in. Anything else you got in there. Isn't that wild?

And then. It's like it's not connected. She's like a snake, yeah. Yeah. She can like unhinge her jaw. Remember that toothbrush commercial where the guy would just open his head all the way so we could get to the back.

That's what that room is. That does her right. And then. Dude. Yeah. She's double jointed. It's crazy. And then she's got those beautiful, natural breath.

Hey, just so you guys know, me fisting my mouth wasn't getting me enough attention. Yeah. Yeah, I want to do this all in one video. I might do, you know, just the fisting mouth videos, one video, and then like the leg. This is worth looking up, by the way, if you're listening. She blows her load and this one did.

I wouldn't have done that. Pretty fucking great. OK. I'll need instructions on how to do that. Oh, yeah, yeah. And her handle is what? At Pinup Pixie. Pinup Pixie?

OK. And we'll be reaching out to you, looking forward to more clips. So the reason I kept pushing is I thought it was going to get wider, but as I'm getting closer, I realized it's an illusion. The water was just so calm and still above me, that it was reflecting the ceiling off.

It just looked like a way bigger space. But it's continuing to narrow down. As it floods at all, I'm done for. So I'm going to attempt to turn back around. You know. I don't like this at all. I don't know if I can hear. Oh, my God.

I think I'm stuck. It's another joke. Oh, crap. Oh, crap. For sure. For sure. For sure. You're the biggest psychopath that's ever been on the show.

I mean, the fact that you could watch that clip of a guy stuck in a cave who was like, oh, I think I'm stuck. And you see it and you feel it and you're sitting here giggling. I mean, you're the nuttiest person that's ever walked in here. How do you dare to say that about somebody else? Because following Chaz's logic of man versus narrow opening in cave, like, idiot, idiot, you're fucking idiot. You don't feel the anxiety.

I'd like to go back and react differently now that I remember my own rule. You felt the anxiety, too. I felt it because, first of all, the whole time I was like, hey, priorities. Put your fucking camera away and get out of the cave and then do it outside when you're alive. You don't know when this water is going to raise.

Did you feel the anxiety? I mean, I was like... It's terrible. Are you claustrophobic at all? Probably. I mean, that space right there, I was like, just even when it opened, I was like, oh, when it started, I'm saying, you know,

I was like, oh, my God, that's terrible. I had a buddy in high school that was, his brother would put you through these tortures to see if you were able to still hang out with him. And one of them was, they had a wooden box in their garage where you'd put all the sporting balls or whatever and sporting equipment,

and then he would put a sleeping bag in there and you'd have to get in it and then he'd put the sleeping bag over you, shut the box, and then he would put space heaters towards the box. You're just sitting there sweating and you're just sitting there sweating and finally he would let you out

and then if you passed that, there was one more. But then if you didn't pass it, you had to do all this other stuff. It was ridiculous. And now you're like, you're cool to hang. Yeah, which I look at my buddy and I go, oh, man, I don't know if I'm willing to do this to hang out with you anymore.

No way. At one point they took a little wiffle ball bat that was cracked and they'd smack you all over, just little smacks, but the crack would cut you a little bit and they pour lemon juice over you. Sounds like a cool friend. Yeah.

This is northern Minnesota. We get bored. We get bored is what we do. Definitely. So somebody asked me a while ago to show them cat imitation. So I thought I'd show you how I do that. So oftentimes when people are meowing,

they just say meow. That's not very convincing. To make a convincing cat meow, we need to start with an ng hum. To do that, we say hum and hold that. We're also going to purse our lips together like this. Now let's put that all together. You can also pitch it up.

If you have questions, please put them in the comments. Oh, you got it. There's questions coming. I've got some questions. I'm having fun. Are you having fun? Oh, my God, dude. And by the way, if you were in that room

as soon as that meow tutorial was done, she'd be like, are you having a good time learning this? And you'd have to be like, I'm having the best time. You sound just like a fucking cat. Well, yeah, because you're chained to her fucking radiating. Yeah. And when she asks you that, are you having fun? Yes, I'm having a great time.

God damn it. You bring me some food. Oh, shit. She also taught us sexy puns. Yes. Isn't that cool? That's very cool. Can you imagine the luck of, like,

you get to sleep where you fish? Very rare. What the fuck is this? How much easier? It's a bed above a fishing. No, I got that part. What country? Did you guys visit this on your tour with Pete Lee?

Uh, yeah. Lewis? You know what? This is actually Lewis's home. I forgot that he did TikToks. Yes. Hi, Lewis. This is the hotel you stay in.

Jesus. I hope underneath that water was this belongings. Ruskies are fucking wild. I think you might be Czech. Do you know how automatically big and pussy I am next to this thing? Oh, yeah. Everybody is. The Easter near presents.

Zajebista. Zajebista. Mr. Dog. But in his defense, those are some meaty-looking, like, healthy chunks. Yeah. It looks like all-natural gravy. Yeah.

They weren't, it wasn't, like, totally process-looking. It looks like tofu. I'm going to be eating that shit for lunch, really. This guy, that's a real rock-biter, you know? Yeah, dude. Okay. That guy, like, you introduce yourself to him, and he'd be like, I'm going to call you fuck.

And you'd be like, okay. Yes, you are. Because that's, I also will call myself that. Yeah. Thank you. Appreciate it, sir. Just blow him off. Blow him off.

She's eating a honeycomb with live- Have you ever had fresh honeycomb? Yeah. So good. Yeah. It's unbelievable. It really is the best natural treat I've ever had. I don't like the wax bits.

Your heads? Mmm. I don't think fresh out of a beehive like this. Well, I don't do it quite like this. When it's warm, when it's warm, it's crazy. My ex-girlfriend, her dad's a beef farmer. Oh, wow. True.

But this, I'm allergic to bees. So this, this is too much. Yeah. Are you allergic to bees? Uh-huh. Do you travel with, like, an epi-pig? Epi-pig, yeah. You do?

Yeah. Oh, okay. That'll do well. Yeah. You're like, there's no bees in Texas. But how allergic do you die or do you just get broken out? So if I get stung in my extremities, there's a white line that starts going towards my, my trunk, no matter where it is.

And so it's kind of like a fuse. So I can watch it. And once it starts to slow down, I don't have to worry about it. But if I get stung in the chest or the throat or anything like that, I'm, I'm in trouble. Dang. Jesus. It's in my golf bag. Yeah.

There's no bees in Texas, thankfully. Have you ever had to use it? Yeah. Yeah. I got stung. I stepped on a, um, like a railroad tie when I was leaving a green, the 18th green, and there was a, like a ground nest in there. I got stung in the ankle, but I got stung so many times that I could kind of see the white

line. It was already to my knee. And then you just stab yourself? Yeah. And is it right away? You're in the thigh? Yeah. I mean, my throat wasn't closing up or anything.

So I didn't feel too much of it, but I just wanted to get ahead of it. Cause it looked like it was moving back. I'm kind of jealous of the, the, there's a whole culture of comedians that are into golf and I feel like I miss out on that fun entirely. Yeah. Uh, because I haven't played golf now in so long. And then with every year that passes, you're like, I'm not going to start now. You know?

So like another year goes by and everyone's like, oh, we're at Pebble Beach together. And you're like, that's cool. Yeah. And then like the next year, like you're on the road and they're like, you know what, they have the best course there. And you're like, yeah, I don't play. And they're like, really? No.

I feel like I'm missing out. I kind of think you are. No, I think I am. Cause it's, cause outside it's, I mean, you're, you're walking for five hours. Yeah. It's great. It's great. And you're doing it with a group.

It's fun. Can you just get drunk? Can you just drink? Yeah. You can. You sure do. It's all you're doing. Just drinking.

But I was, I'm saying, you know, the longer you stay away from it, the more you go like, I should stay away from this. I mean, yeah, you don't want to be starting. I mean, you certainly could. But I'm saying, if you're talking about people that are already going to Pebble Beach. Yeah. You don't want to join at 45 and then go, when are we going to Pebble? Yeah.

Cause you're going to be pretty frustrated. Yeah. I mean, I would, I should go to the, to arrange just to see like how bad, like if I can even hit one straight still, I don't think I can. I think it'd be pretty bad. Is your game pretty good now? It's all right. It's all right.

It's pretty good. I've worked on it. Yep. And you, you played like your whole comedy career. You always been playing golf. No, I started maybe 11 years ago because I was playing softball and it kept getting rained out and I was like, this sucks. Yeah.

So then my buddy was like, we play through the rain in golf. And I'm like, oh, you bad mother. So I started golfing and I love it. I was real bad at first. I would miss the ball sitting on a tee in front of other grown men. That's tough. Super exciting stuff. And then you just stuck with it.

And now you have a decent game. That's great. Did you take lessons at all? Or it was just, I took a couple of lessons probably five years ago or something, but my swing changes all the time. Yeah. Just because it's homemade. But yeah, it's pretty fun getting out there.

I know that. I like gambling too much, some would say. You like gambling? I mean, I like, I like casinos. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think getting involved? About what?

With golf and gambling. I mean, it just sounds like an old guy's sport. We were watching golf on television. Oh yeah. And I'm like, how is this? This is just not very exciting. It's so fucking slow. Right.

And I know it takes town. Obviously it's difficult. It looks really difficult, but I'm, I don't know. It just doesn't seem very inspiring to me. Yeah. But I'm not a sports lady. You're talking to the wrong gal. Do you say you gamble when you're on the course?

Yeah. I can't golf without gambling. Oh, so you have to get action. Yeah. Okay. And you always know who you're betting against or you don't even know sometimes. Sometimes you don't. But you, you know, you can check your handicap on your phone.

And the, the issue is, you know, got sandbaggers of course. Yes. People that have a higher handicap, they're better than their handicap. So they get extra strokes, but you know, sometimes then it's kind of fun to just gently push their shit in. And you just. Damn. And you pay like per whole.

This is how I talk when I golf. Is this how you say like per whole kind of game? It can be. Yeah. It can be per whole or it can be just the entire match. Or we play this, this game where it's starts at two dollars for the first hole. And then if you tie, it grows exponentially, not just an extra two dollars. So by, I can't remember what it was, but it was something like, if you tie the first 17

holes, it's 72,000 something dollars. Dang. Now I don't think you would ever tie all the way through, but it's the potential is there. Wow. So you've walked away with some real scratch on one of these. Yeah. I mean, we sometimes gamble for too much. Nice.

But it's fun. It's very fun. Super. I think I have a little advantage getting up in front of people for a living. Yeah. Because then when you're like putting on the 18th hole, my hands aren't shaking and you can see people physically, you know. Oh, pussies.

Yeah. This is my mortgage, man. Nope. It's my mortgage. It's my mortgage. I just made the. Nice. That's why.

Have you ever seen that happen in Florida? This old man just smacked the crocodile with a frying pan. He had like a cast iron. It was a rat. Like that's a heavy fucking pan. And he just smashed a crock in the head. It was crazy. Okay.

You're right. Maybe he's just a regular frying pan. What's that? Like, did he have the pan in his hand already? That's what I'm asking. There's no fire. There's no place to use a pan. Right.

Why does he have a pan? Right. And how fortunate that he was just walking in his backyard with his pan. He went out there to defend something. Maybe the dog. Yeah. I don't know. Fuck.

And he was not freaked out by a crock charging at him with its mouth open. He was just like, fucking smack this thing in the head. That's wild. One of his grandson lives in Wisconsin. Oh, hey now, everybody. Ever see people park like dicks, like this guy? I just slap a QR code on their windshield and then it takes them to this video. Hey, you stupid bitch.

This is an unacceptable parking job. That's fantastic. Isn't that good? That's fantastic. Yeah. That kid is. I bet you'd like that. Yeah.

Unexpected. Oh. Yeah. Fastest. Fastest hands in the biz. Oh, and he's punching his lounge chair or something? Yeah. That lays flat against the wall so you can't recline.

It's very nice. That's true. I didn't think about that. Yeah. Speed is something else. There we go. It says official. His name is official.

Yeah. In case there's somebody else beating up their furniture pretending to be him. Oh, there you go. There you go. That guy with nunchucks. Look at him. Wow. Oh boy.

Hey, hey, hey. He's only got her behind. You haven't seen this shit for 30 years. Oh, wow. She doesn't even move. Wow. Impressive. She's back to the whole family.

What's going wrong with people? Yeah, I know. Just. 40 years ago, I let the man put his penis in my vagina. Now I watch this. I watch him do nunchucks. Can you imagine? This is your husband's thing.

You're like, God damn it. By the way, with that. Without the nunchucks, I would walk away from him. What the hell? Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. That's when you just. That's so dramatic.

Yeah. Yeah, big production. He's gotta be a big production about it. My daughter, we were walking down the pier in San Francisco and this guy was kinda making those noises towards her and she barked at him. She turned and she goes, and he just stopped and she looked at me like, what's up? And we kept walking. I'm like, where did you learn that shit?

Yeah. She goes, well, I saw it on a video. That's what you're supposed to do when people are, you bark at them and it confuses them. It scares them. Yeah. And it works. Yeah. It's smart.

I was just gonna let him beat the shit out of us. All right, here's a little dog eating out of a man's mouth on the subway. He's fully licking that mouth out, licking the teeth, licking them lips. His eyes are closed like he's meditating or something. God. Or something. Yeah. Or something.

I didn't let a dog just go to town like that on your mouth. Yeah. Is that the outside video of the first video we saw with the guy's yellow teeth? It's the same guy? Yeah. That's his mouth. You can hear the tongue on the outside of it. God.

Jesus. I understand loving your dogs because I'm obsessed with dogs, but I don't let, I've never let my dogs lick my mouth out. I just, they're so gross, you know? I like the smell of dogs' mouths when they smell real bad. Really? I used to love people's mouths smell like if I could fish market, but I loved it. I like, I mean, them licking you is, but like, go ahead and fully lick out my mouth

like this? No. I have a golden doodle, and I don't know if their tongues are, they may be a foot long. And so I'll come home from playing basketball or something, and he'll start licking my ankles, but it goes all the way around. It's the grossest lick. It's the most sexual dog lick. He's licking all your sweat up.

It's so disgusting. That's a long range, yeah, all around your ankle. It's gross. It's a lot. Must feel great on your balls. What? When you can get the asshole on the balls, same lick. Same lick.

Yeah. Yeah. You think I didn't research what kind of dog to get? You think I just go to the pound and rescue one? No. No. I get a dog that was bred in captivity. This kind of dog right here.

So you know I can do the mouth thing. She's got a golden doodle mouth. Jesus. Jesus. I mean you can put all the fucking real estate in there. Yeah, and her teeth are real clean. She's got a clean mouth, which I really admire. Her teeth are nice and white.

Everything's good. She just seems real clean out there. What a sweet lady. Anyway, I had a good time. Did you have a good time? I had a great time. Good. This was a lot of fun.

Did you have fun? I had fun. Good. It was a good time. Good. Chad, thank you for stopping in. Thanks for having me. This was really nice to see you guys.

It was really nice to visit with you again. I'll never forget our time together in Asia. Unless because there's a documentary about it. It's all on camera. It was really fun. And I'm super pumped for you for the two specials. I think it's a remarkable achievement. Thanks.

I appreciate that. Thank you. Very cool. Can't wait to see it, bro. And you still look very handsome, by the way. Like the hair and the beard. You look like a Russian philosopher. Oh, yeah.

Nice. It does. You're like Kierkegaard a little. Yeah. Or Dostoevsky. I eat dog food. Yeah. That's your philosophy.

Yeah. Where can people see you? Where should they go when you go back on tour? You go to ChadDaniels.com or that ChadDaniels on Instagram to find tour dates and videos. There you go. He's one of the best. Go see him. Thanks for watching.

Thanks for listening. And we'll see you next week. Bye, mommy. Fucking. Shit came out. Shit came out. Shit came out. Shut your head on this one.

Over those themselves. Just go and have some, just go and have some. Come on. Hillary Clinton ate my asshole. She had bumps in my legs over her shoulders. I'm sure there's a mum sucking my asshole. Back there it smells tart. You want to fuck with my mother?

You want to fuck with my mother? Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. You were so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me. I mean, just, you're gorgeous and precious.

Let's go full throttle. Orgasmic burn. Here we go. Here we go. I'm looking for hot blood guys. You're gonna get your life, okay? Okay. What's with the gene?

Seriously. Seriously. Seriously. Retarded. Cool stuff. Slick stuff. Neat stuff. Probably the most amazing penis in the animal world.

I like that. Fuck me. This is how you beat me. Fuck you, you cock sucker. That's my name. Fuck you, cock sucker. Hey. Hey.

Get your fucking camera out of here. That's none of your fucking business, you cock bite. Unless you want trespassing, get the fuck out of here now. Get out of here now.