Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812

Starting point is 00:00:00 New Jersey, I'll be bringing my Come Together Tour to Atlantic City this June for two shows at Hard Rock Live at E-Test Arena on Friday, June 20th and Saturday, June 21st. Get tickets now at tomscuro.com slash tour. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. From early morning workouts that need a boost to late night drives that need vibes, a good playlist can help you make the most out of your everyday. And when it comes to everyday spending, you can count on the PC Insider's World Elite

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Starting point is 00:02:17 That's not bad. Not bad at all. Not bad at all. Unbelievable. Such a classic. Such a good work. We gotta put out a call for more songs. I know, it's been a while.

Starting point is 00:02:28 Why don't we do a thing where we... Do a worker song. Worker, I'm a worker. Where we... Oh my God. Have like a competition or something, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:39 Let's get some song submissions in here and then let's do a prize for like our favorite song. It's a great idea, Tom. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? I'm like, you know what I'm saying. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:50 I'm a worker. Let's get some of those music workers out there to start working. Hey, I mean, I don't know, I don't want to let the cat out of the bag here, but I'm just too excited. Yeah. Is that Tony Johns is getting out of jail today.

Starting point is 00:03:03 Wow, you really jumped all over it. I'm just too excited I'm sorry. There's so much going on. It is It's a huge day here. It's a huge day Tony Johns as of this recording is getting out of jail. It's very exciting To see what jail was like what he's gonna do right now Will he still work as a worker as in scenes all that is to be determined still what I think is most interesting to me is what will be his first stop yeah put some money on yeah I'm gonna go with his local like bar well I don't know if he's gonna go to the bar I think he

Starting point is 00:03:40 wants to get in a swig like an orange swig or something yeah you know he's probably gonna get his swig down maybe Maybe some like beef jerky or something like I think it's a 7-eleven stop to refuel, you know after Jail food and drinks. That's true. Yeah, that's a good maybe go pick up a hustler or something like that. Yeah penthouse Some you know library material library stuff. Yeah, I love the library I have even bigger news. Let me just play the opening clip and then we'll just get right into it This is just we didn't even open. Yeah, we haven't opened the show yet Don't pull on my fucking tampon string. I would punch yourself fucking far across this whole goddamn fucking Oh to your mom's house yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Who has not felt that way? Dude, so many dudes wanna pull on my fucking tampons. So many?

Starting point is 00:05:25 It's disgusting. Has it always been a thing? Dude, guys love it. No, but I do remember when I was in junior high school, this one bit, or high school, this one bitch was like, yeah, we fucked in the shower and he pulled out my tampon and he put it in the shower and then we left it there and I forgot about it.

Starting point is 00:05:44 I was like, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? What's wrong with y'all? I know, I keep my tampon stuff so separate from you and your world, you've never experienced it, right? I've just seen it. No, and you've never said this to me. Don't pull on my fucking tampon string. She's cool, I like her.

Starting point is 00:06:02 I like her voice, I like a smoker's voice, you know? It's kind of moose soupy, it's got some moose soup. It like her voice like a smokers voice, you know It's kind of moose soupy. It's got some moose soup. It has moose soup quality to it. Yeah Fucking awesome. I wonder like what the back story Yeah, what do you think her story is some guy was with her and she's like leave it in dummy Somebody clearly just did it to her. Maybe he was just like come on. Let me get in there You know, and she was like no Not fucking sick of that shit Stop pulling string Yeah Well, this is a big day

Starting point is 00:06:35 We have Goddamn, we have such like massive. I just have to To tell you this way I just have to tell you this way. This is a YMH exclusive. YMH exclusive. YMH exclusive. Fuck. Real quick, I should also just say thank you to everybody who has watched Bad Thoughts

Starting point is 00:06:54 on Netflix. I've gotten thousands of messages and comments from people. Some of you love it, love it. Some of you don't love it. But either way, I got to tell you, love it, love it. Some of you don't love it. But either way, I got to tell you, I'm thrilled with it. It's a very liberating thing to make something you wanted to make. And you can kind of just go like, yeah, I know some people like it. So we don't like it.

Starting point is 00:07:16 Don't pull my tampon string. I kind of feel like that. I feel like my tampon strings hanging out. And I'm just telling you. You're still in the top 10 as of this recording. You're still... Still out, still on there people Yeah, it's been it's been a really fun couple weeks for me. So I just want to say thank you to everybody who watched it and Sent me messages. Thank you so much Okay, here is the crazy fucking update. Okay

Starting point is 00:07:41 We have for years Been wondering what happened to this guy. It's pig Norman Summerton. Oh fuck. And his tit cups. Been in these babies for seven hours now. Seven hours. Look at these things, eh? Yeah, and then... It's a long time. Yeah, he just, you know... Imagine a pig with tits. I love that line.

Starting point is 00:08:04 Who would have thought? Yeah, I know. know, I love that Yeah, that's gonna pay with tits that's always stuck with me and we have asked about him a bunch over the years. And then we got the notification that somebody found him. He is on a fetish dating site. It's his profile there is loser pig. That looks like there's a penis in his mouth. Yeah, I'm not used to seeing him like that Yeah, I don't like to think of him that way. Well, that's where the pig is with the pigs doing there About it says pig to host pig resides in Northwest near 64th Avenue Center Street very specific details

Starting point is 00:09:02 Here you go stupid loser pig Norm Somerton lives to serve, worship, and obey superior women since the age of 16, now 75. Wow. Loser pig is a masochist. Loser pig is deep into BDSM tattoos, sporting on its forehead in three inch letters the word pig.

Starting point is 00:09:19 Loser pig is permanently locked in a steel chastity cage since January 1st, or January 20th of 01, and the key holder is Mistress Calicious and is paid $100 per month. Loser pig is the owned property of Mistress Cory to whom takes all of Loser Pig's money every month since January 23rd. At first it was $200 per month,

Starting point is 00:09:44 over time it is now all of Los of loser pigs unaccounted for money Wow loser pig is also a free service boy toy to suck cocks swallow come and serve as a pissed toilet pig owners control Pig exploiting pig and destroying pigs male ego and turning him into a sissy loser pig Yeah and turning him into a sissy loser pig. Man. Yeah. This is money on the table for any women out there that aren't doing this. God, we're always trying to encourage you ladies.

Starting point is 00:10:11 It's making me crazy. Like if I had to do this, like let's say it's COVID, got no money, I would do this in a minute. Just have a- Put that thing on your cage and send me money. Yeah. Put your dick in there. Be a pay pig for someone to be your little pay pig.

Starting point is 00:10:24 Come on. Ay, I don't someone to be your little pay pig. Oh, come on. I don't like to see that's your granddad. Yep, 75 years old. El Porco. Oh, he's got the full beard here. That's kind of a new look. Good job, Norm, still at it.

Starting point is 00:10:37 His tits look good. Wow. Yeah. Got the big loser hand signal there. He's got his pig snout on. Hold on a second. We're looking at his dick cage. Yeah. Does it go into his urethra as well?

Starting point is 00:10:50 Not sure. There's a lot going on there. I'm trying to not look too hard. I think it goes into his hole. Oh, that's a kind of, look how sweet he looks right there. I know. That is a sweet grandpa right there. He's got a good bra too.

Starting point is 00:11:02 Sissy beta pig. Yeah. Yep. He's got all the tats. Looking good. There's also some new videos. Wee! Wee! Wee! Yep. Wee! Wee! Look at pig's tits.

Starting point is 00:11:20 Pig, Norman Summerton. Total loser. Total loser. Pig with tits. Stupid, stupid pig. I always, every time I see him, I have to remind myself that this was a lot of people's mortgage broker. And so there's people who see this clip and they go, I wonder if I got the best rate from this guy. Yeah, you know, I signed up 7% for 30 years with this fucking guy I wonder if I could have been at five and a half if he hadn't been so focused on his pig tits

Starting point is 00:11:54 You know, my god there is a civilian that's before the tattoo But when do you think he committed to the tattoo? Well, he was obviously into the lifestyle probably then he just didn't have his fucking head Tattooed but then he retired. he retired and then he got the... But how many people do you think in your world right now are doing this crazy stuff behind closed doors? Probably not a lot. Not a lot. Somebody for sure.

Starting point is 00:12:16 There's people doing secret shit. But... I wonder who in our staff is doing it. I don't know. Wee, wee, wee. I, I, I't know. Wee, wee, wee. Crack, crack we go visit Grandpa today? There's somebody doing that. Can we stop by Grandpa's house? No.

Starting point is 00:12:50 Grandpa's doing his own thing. He's kind of busy right now. Homemade tits. Or should I say, homegrown tits. You know, the weirdest thing I have with Norm, this to me isn't in the slightest creepy for me. I don't get icky feelings.

Starting point is 00:13:12 Is it because he's so open? Like he's such an open book? Maybe it's like such a pure desire within him. There's no, I don't feel grossed out by him. Now, however, you know, the guy I do feel grossed out by is like, I'll make you cum. Like that guy who's watching Rachel Maddow in his glasses. Yeah. That makes me want to vomit. But Norm, I just like, there's something innocent about him. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:35 Does that make sense? There's something sweet about Norm. Yeah, I understand. There's something sweet about him. He's got a, he's got the... got the phone tattoo and he's got a bra tattoo yeah huh yeah He's so happy. Dude, if this was your dad. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. I don't wanna see that, man.

Starting point is 00:14:06 Oh, fuck, hold on. I don't wanna see that. Now I feel gross. I don't wanna see dad. Wait, do you still feel the same way? I do like that he's with a younger guy who shaved. Like, I like that for him. Contract banana and you're sucking your mouth.

Starting point is 00:14:20 Wow, come on. Stop it. So you contract the sexual organs. Stop it. And you're with the banana. Switching up the pace and your mouth Try it 18 36 918 or 36 times. Are you gonna start doing this to me? You're supposed to go. Oh, I suck it in

Starting point is 00:14:43 Stop you contract that Oh, I suck it in. Stop. You contract vaginal. Stop, I hate it. You contract vagina. I don't like his sound effects. I got it. Thank you. Stop pulling my tampons. 36.

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Starting point is 00:17:09 This is probably in the greater Calgary area. Well, we have his specific. Yeah, can we try to reach out? Yeah, 100%. Would love to. I'm open just so you know to flying Norm here. Maybe hiring a local Dom to give him a treat while he's in town I think he needs a permission of mrs. Talon. Well, I think we reach out to to him and we say yeah

Starting point is 00:17:33 We go we go. Can your mistress there provide permission for you to get pissed and beat on here? Sure, and you know We'd love to have you come by Wow, that's that's that's daunting. Does he sit in my chair and I move next to you? I think it's probably best. Yeah. Do we let him wear tit cups? Yeah, of course, we request tit cups. I can't wait.

Starting point is 00:17:54 And then you're a lady, so you can be like, hey pig loser, and he'll be like, yes. He'll love that. Yeah. He'll love that. Yeah. Then you go, filet my husband, and then I go over there and,

Starting point is 00:18:08 you know, he does his thing. And I go, haha, it's just for the bit. Annie, what do you think feels worse? I think it's really cool that we're starting with this gay shit. It's really cool. Didn't even fucking wait this time. This isn't even in the fucking gay folder. It's just how we start the show. It's really cool. I'm really a fan. Have you ever ate your own **** before? Of course. You have to try it.

Starting point is 00:18:32 What would it taste like? I actually eat a lot of citrus because I've heard that that makes it taste better. And my boyfriend's a swallower, so I try to put a lot of oranges, grapefruits into my diet. So that when we swallow my low deep down. It tastes yummy Can I taste it? You may Any what I just want to know what you thought of that

Starting point is 00:19:00 Hate you're not a fan. He should talking all right we'll do any he's got a great body it does they all do any doesn't bother you more when the gays are black a lot more Why do you hate that more because it feels like family and they're like they're lost, you know, I want to help them I want to help him find Jesus Hold on I have a question for you. Would you rather your own? It's very upset. Hold on, I have a question for you. Would you rather your... Oh no, no man.

Starting point is 00:19:45 Your dad be one of these fellas here in the video or Norm Summerton. What, wait, what? Would I rather... Your dad is either Norm Summerton or one of these gentlemen in this video. You have to pick. Oh, my dad is either Norm

Starting point is 00:20:00 or one of these motherfucking niggas. Oh my God, man. No, neither, man. You have to pick. That's the same thing. It's not the same thing. It's not the same thing. One is black and one is white.

Starting point is 00:20:11 There's a difference. You can't make my dad white. Yeah, his dad's black. But would you rather have your dad wear tit cups and do him a piss drinking beta cuck with mistress Corgi or whatever? Or would you rather have your dad do little twerk videos with his homeboys? Why do I gotta do this? Why do y'all?

Starting point is 00:20:31 I know you do. We love you. I put so much stuff together. Okay. All right. All right. He doesn't want to answer We'll go to the next video. I think it's the black stuff Yo, Brad, why are you wearing the freaky-eyed pants? What are you talking about? There's a zipper right here, bro Are you trying to make a move on me? Guess what I got you a pair of pants I will quit I Will quit the show before I wear those pants. Yeah, those pants.

Starting point is 00:21:05 Ouch, oh my God. Those pants are diabolical. That's crazy. Yeah, it's really something. I gave you asshole zipper pants. But I'm hung up on the logic of it because the undies are blocking. I know, well I think he can't post that video.

Starting point is 00:21:19 Oh yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I can't if it's informational. All right, which is your favorite video so far? my favorite video, yeah Of the ones we showed him saying I Gonna quit I'm going it's I'm close I suck my dick shit. I wanted to come to his face and actually show him how we suck dick. You know me You know, I'll you know oddly enough oddly enough this one doesn't bother me as much really cuz it's kind of gangster I don't know the way he said it the way he said it's kind of like yeah, like I'll suck your dick But I'm gonna fucking just because I could fuck you up, you know, okay, so

Starting point is 00:22:00 Some of the attitude behind it. Okay. Yeah, like like I would never talk shit on this man No, this dude right here if you were like, what's up, you know, you're sweet. He would just punch you in the mouth Oh my god sweet. Yeah crazy. I think it's the effeminate the effeminate miss that bothers him Yeah, he doesn't like that. Yeah, but this dude is this is different, you know, yeah Yeah, that's different yeah, it's more aggressive like yeah, that dude's cool my book. That's cool man. It's fine. That's cool That's my favorite video. There you go. All right. There you go. Yeah, like that's how you should be gay. That's strong Yeah, I like it. I like it. Yeah fucking cool, man. Yeah, it's like the straight guy Yeah, that's that's the thing too about talking about fucking whatever Spartans and shit were gay like not like that though

Starting point is 00:22:45 Nigga, they weren't fucking like oh my god, like they weren't Spartans were hard as fuck. Well, yeah, it would fuck your shit up That's right. And they'll fuck you. Yeah be tough. Yeah. All right. There's the message. That's a good message to put out there But I kind of agree cuz it's like why why can't if you're gay like why do you have to act a certain way? too like why well, are you a fan of like? Daddy DeMarco like his style was that appealing to you Appealing is not the word that I would choose but but like he was like yo, I'll fuck you up. Yeah, right I mean, yeah, like that's that's kind of gangster shit. Yeah, I mean, yeah, you know I'm sound like yeah I don't yeah, I don't you don't have to be a girl to be gay just right anything just be gay They don't do right you don't have to adopt the whole the language

Starting point is 00:23:27 But I think that just comes with like, you know person to person people are just who they are That's true You know some people just speak a certain way and walk a certain way and you know, some people don't I mean this dude is He's not an effeminate guy, but he's still like y'all suck the shit out your dick Yes, just how any would be gay if any had would be gay, if Annie had to be gay. I think he would be like that, like aggressively. Like angry, angry gay. That's what I would probably be if I were a man.

Starting point is 00:23:53 You'd be an angry gay? Definitely, suck the dick. I don't think I would be like that. You'd be soft and sweet. I'd be a nice guy, yeah. You'd be a nice guy. Yeah, you know what I did last night? Fucked a bunch of guys, yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:03 Yeah. I think you would be the fun gay friend to have. We are not like, you don't broadcast that you're gay. Right. Just like your friends now. Sure. Sure. I'm out here crushing ass.

Starting point is 00:24:16 Stupid. Yeah. This is a really a lot of fun. You're gonna enjoy this. This is real. Well, a Bay Area woman is out tens of thousands of dollars after she says she sent money to a scammer Who said he was celebrity Keanu Reeves?

Starting point is 00:24:29 Dan Ringstaff said she was playing words with friends when somebody messaged her saying he was the Hollywood actor They started chatting over the next two years Saw Keanu's face during a few video chats, and then he sent her audio messages. Oh wow. Oh my god This is just... Hold on. I think... Good morning my sunshine Diane. As you said last night I am sending this recording to let you know that I cherish you and that I am loyal to you. You will always be my queen. Have a great day today Diane. Love you. Kisses from your loving Keanu. Keanu said he needed tens of thousands of dollars in the Bitcoin and cryptocurrency

Starting point is 00:25:08 With legal troubles knowing what I know now and all the technology that's out there Fake voices and everything else, you know ding ding ding Yeah, ding ding ding Yeah, I think she should go to jail. How fucking- For being stupid. Yeah, like how-

Starting point is 00:25:28 She's not old either. She's not that old. Yeah, she's not 80. No. And she was just like, oh, Keanu Reeves has hit me up. I mean- God, he needs fucking 20 grand. I never thought that he's got enough scratch.

Starting point is 00:25:38 Amazing trouble right now. Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding. Yeah. Your mom would get taken by something like this, but your mom's 80. Yeah. You can definitely trick her. Would you think your mom?

Starting point is 00:25:49 No, your mom would even be smarter than this. Oh my God. Kisses from your loving Keanu. Kisses from your loving Keanu. Kisses from your loving Keanu. Hello, Diane, this is Keanu Reeves. You may know me from films like The Matrix. I need money.

Starting point is 00:26:04 I love you. And Bitcoin. I didn't even realize you could, that's still a thing. $160,000? Oh my God. Said she was skeptical when the scammer first messaged her, but she says she video chatted with the scammer who looked and sounded exactly like the actor. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:26:29 It's like, it's depressing too, Ro. You know, it's so depressing. It's really sad. I think, yeah, humanity's getting dumber and dumber. This guy could not believe the money was coming in too. He was like, this is so crazy that this works. Yeah. This is crazy.

Starting point is 00:26:43 You know what's gonna be fun though is the uptick of stories like this, as AI gets better and better. Yeah. I can't wait. Oh my God. Good morning my sunshine Diane. Good morning my sunshine Diane.

Starting point is 00:26:53 Diane, this is me, Keanu Reeves. Ding ding ding. A hundred and sixty thousand dollars. Do you think they had, they definitely had video sex together. She's leaving that out. She's like, when he would come, I'm sorry. You know what's crazy?

Starting point is 00:27:12 Guyane, rub your tits. Keanu has probably the best reputation in all of Hollywood. And I bet if he caught wind of this story, he would want to do something for this lady. Yeah. Yeah. I know. And then everybody would be like, oh yeah, Keanu stole money from me too. Dude, it's so depressing.

Starting point is 00:27:28 It's so. This is a, she isn't old old, but like that's 160 grand. That's probably a big part of her savings, you know. Dude, that's everything. Yeah. That's so much money to give to robot Keanu. Ugh.

Starting point is 00:27:43 What other shit, I want wanna hear the dirtier, like the sweet talking. He must have been sending her shit all day. Keanu again, have you played with your clit for daddy? She's like, well, he would tell me to do things. That's what's really happening. I hadn't played with my clit in years. Good night, my sweet child, yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:03 I'm going to bust nuts thinking of you now. Good night, sweet Diane. It's your favorite actor, Keanu. And then she's like, are you filming that movie? Yes, I am on set in England now. Like, it's so bad. No one has money here, I need your money. Fucking.

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Starting point is 00:28:47 Service fees exclusions and terms apply Instacart groceries that over deliver What do you think he told her? Oh, he said that he has legal troubles so that he needs her and he needs Bitcoin fuck Can you pull up the Denzel thing? She's so excited about this. Nothing made me happier. Idiot. Some fucking fuckhead in Cannes. These people on the red carpet there are out of their minds the way they...

Starting point is 00:29:16 So this guy, like Denzel, is like, hey motherfucker, to this guy. And the guy has a big old donkey smile on his face and Keeps touching him and you can see that he's like, hey fuckhead. Don't touch me. Right? Look at this The guy's like, ah, no, it's okay. He's like don't fucking put your hands on me dumb shit. Told you Okay, and then the guy reached out and grabs his arm. It's like, bro, stop, stop, stop, stop. Yeah. That's within his rights to not be touched. I mean, come on.

Starting point is 00:29:52 I know, it's crazy. Don't touch him. He's standing in front of you. And the frogs there, they're notorious for being like really like controlling of where you stand and when you can stop like the whole red carpet there's this nonsense That's what I heard last year a certain way they like yeah They they it was a big thing where they like pulled this actress off as she was going up the stairs

Starting point is 00:30:17 They're like you can't stop for photos here and she was like what and they got really aggressive with her I forget who it was but you could tell here here he wants to fucking punch this guy in the mouth. Yeah, he's trying to start some shit. You want to talk some shit? Yeah, I would have loved if Denzel had punched that guy. I know. But he's going over there the first, so he must be going over there for something said, right? Yeah, he shots fire. He fucking said something first and he's like, hey asshole, don't fuck with me. I know you're fucking with me. Look at his big goofy fucking. Yeah, big stupid French mouth. Punch him right in his dumb French. Yes, yes, I'm happy.

Starting point is 00:30:49 Croissant, yeah. Put that baguette right up your ass. Yeah. Yeah, he's fucking with him. He's saying stupid shit. This video fires me up. I wanna grab that guy. Because you're angry and that's a nice way

Starting point is 00:31:01 to release that rage. Through somebody else? Yeah, I can see that with you. That's an excuse to fight and it's a nice way to release that rage. Through somebody else? Yeah, I can see that with you. That's an excuse to fight and it's a legitimate one. Yeah, then all my anger comes out that way? Because I think you would be pardoned for that one if some guy keeps fucking touching you. Does it say anything out here?

Starting point is 00:31:18 Let's see. So he allegedly called out a photographer touching his arm at Cannes. The professional lip reader revealed that the actor yelled at the aggressive shutter bug in their headline-making spat, Hey one, one more time, stop. The actor warned after physical contact was made initially. I think he's being reasonable.

Starting point is 00:31:39 I don't even think he snaps. I mean, this is a very normal. Let me tell you something. Never put your hands on me. I'm talking to you. Stop, all right? The liberty expert claimed that the photographer responded to Washington's pleas with dismissal,

Starting point is 00:31:49 telling him not allowed before cracking a devilish grin. Yeah. I don't know what this guy was thinking, man. It came grabbing his arm. Look at this dumb donkey. Oh, he's like, can I take a picture? With his big, stop it, stop it, I mean it, stop it.

Starting point is 00:32:08 He's gonna kill him. Yeah. That's really crazy. Well, you can't put hands on people. I mean, come on. And then he goes to grab, after all that, yeah. Dude, I would fucking punch him. That's what I'm saying. It is really nut. Look how fucking pissed he is after that.

Starting point is 00:32:24 Of course. And why don't they have security? Being like, why are you touching Denzel Washington, dipshit? Is that a security guy? No, that's ASAP Rocky. Oh. Well, he should have had security. And then is Spike there in like just Nick's colors?

Starting point is 00:32:40 Is that what he's wearing underneath? Scroll down. What, he's just wearing like a Knicks suit. Him in those silly glasses as I'm talking in those silly glasses. Denzel's still pissed. He's thinking about that photographer. He's like, I'm going to fuck that guy up. I'm going to fuck him right up. That's insane. Do you play the other thing I sent you, Gene?

Starting point is 00:32:59 Which one? From Cannes. Oh. It's just... At the theater? Yeah. With Pedro Pesca. Look at the man next to the guy that Pedro's hugging. Yeah, Pedro's hugging a guy

Starting point is 00:33:16 and there's a guy in a full fucking pup play outfit. I know. He's just like, I'm at the movie too. What? I can come out. This is very exciting for me because I want you to show up at your next red carpet event Wearing a pop play mask and I want the story to be like Tom Segura comes out and you're like this is who I am And we've been marginalized for so long It's not just doing this because like this is how I feel like I'm myself.

Starting point is 00:33:45 And what? I think it's probably like, it's fine. Yeah. Yeah. That's really cool. But watch Hollywood is like, oh my God, so brave. Tom Sager is so brave for coming out as a pop. We need to give him his own movie about it.

Starting point is 00:34:03 And then you have to make movies about pop play. We're tired of being cast aside. Okay, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. Titty, titty, titty, titty, titty. You gotta love these things, eh? I know I do. I have the weight of them. We are back and we are so happy to welcome back

Starting point is 00:34:21 one of our all time favorites, one of the funniest people working today. She has a new special out on Hulu called I'm the Man. It's Jessica Kersen everybody. Thank you. Fucking favorite. You're mine. I'm in love with the two of you.

Starting point is 00:34:35 I wish we could all be in a relationship. We can be. We can. Really? Well, I'm Polly and I'm bi, so it's fine. Well, that's the thing now, isn't it? To have throuples and. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:46 Do you do this? Are you into this? Yeah, I have 17 partners. Yeah, that's fucking hot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, one of them's a camel. Um, no, now I'm gonna get hate mail.

Starting point is 00:34:55 Like, that's not okay. You know, sometimes the lesbians are like. They're very. Fucking camels isn't, you know, isn't okay. Oh, do they get to you like on the sensitive stuff? I'm like, they're hot. What? Do people like ever hit you up with like,

Starting point is 00:35:04 that part wasn't cool Not a lot, but when they do I just I always like it and I'm like you're right and stuff like that I used to when people would give me hate on Facebook I had to go to their page and blow up a horrible picture of them I was out of my mind People are so that's like illogical like I have a series that came out and there's these ridiculous stories in them and like one of them like one of the feedback I got from someone they're like

Starting point is 00:35:34 There's a one where I lose my mind in a coffee shop. Yeah, and somebody was like, I don't know what you did this for Like that never happened That I didn't kill three people? And they're like, well, nobody- So stupid. Nobody filled your entire glass with milk. And I go, yeah, it's an exaggeration. Like that's the whole thing.

Starting point is 00:35:55 It's TV. Yeah, it's a TV thing. They're so dumb. They're so dumb. They are so dumb. Then we have another one where it's supposed to be her and I are watching our son at a school play But it's it's called grandparents day

Starting point is 00:36:08 And what it is is the kid is performing a piece that the grandparent has basically taught them, right? And in our case the son our son Is telling war stories from vietnam, right? And he's just like talking about like blacks and jews and like yeah, he's saying why about blacks and Jews. He's saying, because it's the grandfather's voice. And they're like, this is a horrible portrayal of veterans. I get that stuff sometimes. Especially when I do something about another country

Starting point is 00:36:38 or an accent, those go viral. But I'm glad, I'm like, perfect. Because I'll say to someone, where are you from? And they're like, Spain. And one of them, I said, oh, I love tacos. I'm like perfect. Because I'll say to someone like where are you from and they're like Spain and one of them I said oh I love tacos, like as a joke. There are 7,000 comments about tacos aren't from Spain and I'm like really? I had no idea.

Starting point is 00:36:58 Well we just had a story before you came in here. A 65 year old woman was convinced that she was having an online relationship with Keanu Reeves and sent him $160,000 in Bitcoin. You know what? She sent him money. It's so pathetic. I'm going to show you.

Starting point is 00:37:15 I don't think it's worth it. I need to hear it. Well, a Bay Area woman is out tens of thousands of dollars after she says she sent money to a scammer who said he was celebrity Keanu Reeves. Diane Ringstaff said she was playing words with friends when somebody messaged her saying he was the Hollywood actor. They started chatting over the next two years. Look at her face.

Starting point is 00:37:32 Two years? He saw Keanu's face during a few video chats and then he sent her audio messages. Good morning my sunshine Diane. As you said last night, I am sending this recording to let you know that I cherish you and I am loyal to you You will always be my queen. Have a great day today Diane. Love you kisses from your loving Keanu Dollars in Bitcoin and cryptocurrency for help She got a haircut. All the technology that's out there. And fake voices and everything else.

Starting point is 00:38:06 Yeah, yeah. Ding, ding, ding. Jesus. Oh my God, is that my mother? Wow. It's, yeah. But I can see myself, and hold on, we've all been there, you're unemployed,

Starting point is 00:38:20 it's 2004, you're home all day playing Puzzle Bobble, you're watching Roger Lodge on Blind Date. Had AI existed, I might be doing Words with Friends and then some celebrity pops up. And you're vulnerable and he's like, I love you, just sending you love today. You just sounded like you have a problem. I love you, I'm sending you love today.

Starting point is 00:38:41 Good morning my Queen Christina, it is Keanu Reevesves your favorite actor. I Am in legal trouble Legal trouble legal trouble what possibly she never was like, I wonder if Keanu could like hit up I don't know. Did you see her face when she like? Contacted me You're right, she's so tweaked. Yeah, well, she's tweaked in that frame. Yeah. She's on crystal meth and has horrible PTSD Oh my god. Like me

Starting point is 00:39:11 Ding ding ding! Ding ding ding! This is from your loving Keanu. You will always be my queen. You will always be my queen. I mean, I feel bad for her, but she's also a fucking moron. I don't feel bad for her. I feel bad because she is mentally ill and not in a home.

Starting point is 00:39:32 I mean it. I feel bad that she has a problem. 160 grand, she said. OK, then you know what? It should go away. I'm sorry. If you do that, I'm going to pretend to be Keanu Reeves. Imagine if I did it and contacted her again.

Starting point is 00:39:46 I'm like, this is the real Keanu Reeves. And you have same color hairs. You could send a video and be like, it's me. I'm bloated. I'm bloated today, but I love you. Back in trouble again. Need more cash now. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:03 Yeah. And how stupid is she to share that audio with the news team like the local news? That's believable. No, that's how the yeah She's like doesn't that sound like him. I never was like no She's like, oh, I thought it did. Yeah, I mean it's it's be amazing to hire Keanu Reeves to go to her house and kill her One big kick. I think it's funny that because he has such a nice guy reputation, if he actually heard the story and he was like, Oh, fuck her. She's stupid.

Starting point is 00:40:38 Dumb bitch. Dumb fucking bitch. Of course that wasn't me. You think I would hit you up on words with friends? Are you out of your goddamn mind? He's just on set somewhere playing words with friends. Are you out of your god damn mind? He's just on set somewhere playing words with friends Her face is how I feel inside all day That's how I feel twenty Just panicked That's just It is so fucked up man here pull your mic down mummy. We see your beautiful put them

Starting point is 00:41:05 Like pull the whole thing like this like the arm. Yeah the arm like that's where she wants. Yeah, there you go jack All right Is that better? Yeah, that's better Congratulations on the special. Yeah, it's better. Let's yeah. No, no, I just wanted to get it and make sure people know. You have a special out, it's on Hulu. I'm excited for you. Where did you shoot? I shot it at Sony Hall in New York City.

Starting point is 00:41:34 I didn't want like a big theater. I like like a club feeling. I thought it was a big theater. No. Sounds massive. I know, well, the crowd was great. They were amazing. It paid them a lot.

Starting point is 00:41:43 That's awesome. Yeah. Congratulations. Thank you. Congrats. I'm really excited about it. You're so funny. Thank you. You're my absolute favorite.

Starting point is 00:41:51 And I feel like this is so long overdue for you. It's like, dude, yes. I know. Get on Jessica Curzon World. Thank you. I mean, the fans are and the audiences and the comics. But it's been, it has not, I'm not bitter at all. I swear I'm so grateful for what I've done. But it's a little, it's been, it has not, I'm not bitter at all, I swear,

Starting point is 00:42:05 I'm so grateful for what I've done, but it's a little, it's been tough to get the industry on board with stuff like that. That's the only thing that's frustrated me is how long it took to get another special. Well, yeah, I mean, like, if you're not, if you're not a cookie cutter lady comic, I think it's a little harder, definitely.

Starting point is 00:42:20 If you're saying stuff that's a little on the margins, they don't know what to do with you I know they don't like the power some of them and the you know excuse me the telling the truth and the Like in your face kind of thing. No, which really is what people laugh at I guess yeah for sure but also Every woman's stupid Well that You know what I mean? Well that too.

Starting point is 00:42:46 Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Because you know what's so interesting to Broad? Is that, you know, I look, again, I think you and I are both really fortunate to even have careers in this business. It's rare.

Starting point is 00:42:59 Yeah, that being said, like you look on servers and you're like, it's female standup comics still have to announce that they're a female comic, like in their special, whereas the norm is to be a male comic and just have it titled be anything else. You know what I mean? Like you can be like, you know, I don't know,

Starting point is 00:43:18 ball hat, ball game, or I don't fucking, I don't know, mousetrap is the name of your special, whereas we always have to announce, this is a lady comic, so that they're not taken off guard or something. Right, well neither one of us are female comics. I mean, all the comics. Well, it's because we're barely women.

Starting point is 00:43:34 I don't know. I think I'm a dude. Yeah, I mean, I'm a huge dick. But I know, the thing is, is like male comics have always said to me, you're not a female comic, you're a comic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's so, a lot of them have not wanted to follow me. Which is a huge compliment.

Starting point is 00:43:48 Yeah, it's huge. I don't talk about being a woman. No, I don't like it either. Yeah, yeah. Well, I don't feel like a woman. Me either. I think I'm non-binary. Me too, but I wouldn't, it's not,

Starting point is 00:44:02 meaning from our generation, you know? If you said that years ago, it would, like, it's not, meaning like from our generation. Yeah. You know? Yeah. If you said that years ago, be like, what the hell are you talking about? Yeah, what are you talking about? But I've never identified with the meat vessel to begin with.

Starting point is 00:44:14 Yeah. I've always, my heroes growing up were dudes, right? Like, I fucking liked Knight Rider. I watched. Me too. You know what I mean? Like the Incredible Hulk. Me too. Well, maybe I'm a lesbian. Yeah. what I mean? Like the Incredible Hulk. Me too. Well maybe I'm a lesbian.

Starting point is 00:44:26 Yeah. Do you wanna date? You might be. I would date you. Sure. She has a lot of tendencies. I do, I'm very masculine. You've never experimented?

Starting point is 00:44:36 Well in the 90s of course, in college, you know. But then I can eat pussy. I don't think I can. I know a lot of women say that. They're like, I can do other things but I cannot eat. What if you just got blasted out of your mind? Sure, I can do anything. I don't think I can. I know a lot of women say that. They're like, I can do other things, but I cannot eat. What if you just got blasted out of your mind? Sure, I can do anything. In a blackout.

Starting point is 00:44:49 Sure. Okay, so go into a blackout and then eat some puss. But here's the problem. Get some fentanyl in your system. Fentanyl? Yeah, go for it, dude. Here's the thing. I'll be there with you.

Starting point is 00:44:59 Oh, that's hot. That's how I get women. Yeah. I'm gonna seriously be sick. That is that sound worse? ill Tom I know it turns wrong just Oh here this will change your mind this will make you want to eat some box Don't pull on my fucking tampon string. I would punch you so fucking far across this whole goddamn fucking. Is that Ricky Lake?

Starting point is 00:45:36 It does. It does look like her. That's amazing. It does. Look at that face you ended on again too. Would you go down on her? Me? Yeah. No, as above so below. She can't take care of her teeth. I love that you're being so nice about it.

Starting point is 00:45:53 Yeah. I wouldn't touch her with a fucking broom. Well, why? Like what? Look at her face right now. Yeah, I know. Okay. What is she, why is she? Look at her face right now. Yeah, I know. Okay. What is she? Why is she talking about her tampon?

Starting point is 00:46:09 Did someone threaten her? Somebody, somebody, we were wondering too. Somebody must have tugged at it and she, she decided to pull out her camera immediately. That's the only thing I worship. Sorry, that was the wrong thing. Yeah, what? Oh my God, that is amazing.

Starting point is 00:46:22 Yeah, yeah, but she was, she's very adamant. Don't pull on my that is amazing. Yeah. Yeah, but she was she's very adamant Don't pull on my fucking tampon Don't pull on my fucking tampon string Smoke it up. Yeah, don't pull on my fucking tampon string I Think I just hate being by the way. Yeah, I you dying, I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying. I just peed. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:46:52 You're dying for her to eat box. Dying. Here's my problem. I think you would too. Jessica. What? It's not even the sexual. I think meat flaps are meat flaps.

Starting point is 00:46:59 I could get used to it. The emotions would make me crazy being with a woman. It's not always like that. But here's the thing, I could barely process my own. I don't like, like right now I'm avoiding a depression. I'm avoiding. I know what you're like, yeah. So do you have to talk about your feelings all the time? And is she like, let's say Tom this morning, he can get out, I'm going to the gym, okay bye now.

Starting point is 00:47:17 And it's not a thing. But I think if there's a woman, well what did you leave? Are you upset with me? Is there a thing? Are we in a thing? Are we mad? Are you mad at me? Yeah. a thing? Are we in a thing? Are we mad? Are you mad at me? Do you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:47:26 Like, oh yeah, do that. Because our brains are always just like, beep beep, ba da da da boop boop. Doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. Like you just need a lasagna, some head, and a TV. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:38 I think it is like that a lot. But it depends on who you're with. Because I've also been in relationships with women who are literally just black and white. Like, you know, you feel. Oh! She just went, oh. Oh.

Starting point is 00:47:55 Emotionally unavailable, that's my winner trick. There are women like that. Women like that? Yeah. And now is that fun, or no? For me, no, because I need to express myself. Yeah, you need to. I'm into feelings and shit.

Starting point is 00:48:07 I mean, my mother's a therapist. So I'm- Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. I'm damaged. Of course. I'm damaged! Look who's here. But do you like to talk about your feelings?

Starting point is 00:48:17 I don't like it, but if I don't, I'll hold onto it or whatever. And I also, I had a lot of emotional abuse growing up. You should play music right now. No, you and I always talk about this shit. So sometimes I'm like, did I do something? Did I? Oh, right, that too.

Starting point is 00:48:37 Yeah, I used to be like that with him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, right? You know what I'm talking about. What made you stop doing that? Honestly, getting sick, like getting cancer. I spent a lot of time really just thinking about the nature of my life

Starting point is 00:48:53 and going inside of my own stuff and being like, oh, this doesn't matter. This is silly. Why am I, I shouldn't even be thinking about, yeah, this is an inside game. Yes. It is. You know, yes, so Whatever. This is that's his world. This is my world I'm gonna deal with my world and I just forgave everybody and everything It's huge cuz you're like, what am I gonna do? My mommy and daddy hated me that didn't love me

Starting point is 00:49:18 Yeah, what am I gonna fucking do? I know what am I gonna do because they'll never change I know done deal and with Tommy I love him He is who he is and I think the trouble in marriages and relationships is when you want them to be something They're not cuz you didn't get it as a kid or whatever And now you're forever taking it out on that you're doing that thing with that person. I agree with you a hundred percent I think when you go through a trauma like yeah, because I've dealt with that too With my daughter and because you know my daughter has heart disease so this is so upbeat um don't worry I'll show you pictures of

Starting point is 00:49:52 her in the hospital um so yeah no but once that happened I was like that's like I'm so grateful nothing else really nothing really matters yeah you just go through that and you're just it all fades away once you realize that this is finite This is this is it. Yeah, get one chance at all this. Yeah, what am I gonna? Don't touch me? Don't fucking just kidding I love you. Oh, I know he's sweet. See I know he's such a good person. He really is Yeah Well when she was going through that I had Invisalign and it was also like it was a big deal for me too Cuz I hated when they applied it

Starting point is 00:50:24 But what was worse is when they took it off. And I feel like we were both going through something. Are you hearing this? We both grew a lot in that time. Yeah, we both changed and grew. We both changed. We both went through our own trauma. And I don't want to compare like whose was worse. No, that's really bad. That's very painful.

Starting point is 00:50:38 It sucked. Yes, I can only imagine. But yeah, suffering, suffering really purifies and helps. It really does. I don't know what that is. Yeah. It's does, yeah. It's because it throws you into a situation where you're like, this could all end,

Starting point is 00:50:49 or I could lose someone, or whatever it is. So like all this other shit doesn't matter. It really doesn't. No. That's the only, I think the upside to like real traumatic things in your life, it literally does put things in perspective. It does.

Starting point is 00:51:04 And you stop caring about, you're like, I can't believe I was occupied with this nonsense. I know. I was at the Comedy Cellar once in New York and I was so burnt out and just, I had been on the road every weekend and just ugh, and this guy was just looking at me like this

Starting point is 00:51:19 in the front row. Like, and I go, sir, are you okay? And he's like, I just not having fun. I go, I lost it. I go, why don't you go uptown to the Children's Hospital of Columbia and sit in the lobby? Exactly. You're at a comedy show.

Starting point is 00:51:32 Like I lost my mind. I'm like, go sit there and look at all the children that are being wheeled around. And what'd he say? He went. He left. No. He was like, it was a good call actually.

Starting point is 00:51:44 He's like, I'd rather sit in actually. He's like, thank you. He's like, I'd rather sit in a children's hospital than watch your dumb act. But don't you find too that like, I also think my sense of humor has gotten deeper and also way less fucks given about other people's sensitivities or whatever. You know like the best room ever is an AA room

Starting point is 00:52:07 to perform in? Cause you're like these fools are singing off. They're the best. I did it Friday night. They're the best. In Florida, they're the best. They've been there. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:14 And the darker you go, the better. A hundred percent. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they really, because they've been to hell and back. Yeah. We gotta find another one here. We did this LA AA show a bunch that was so goddamn fun.

Starting point is 00:52:25 We got to find one here. I know. Yeah, you should just put it out there to the people. Look all on the street and just ask some homeless people. Yeah, you guys, you fucked up? You got a lot of problems? You want to laugh? Yeah, I'll get you an ounce of cocaine

Starting point is 00:52:41 if you have this show with me right now. Yeah. I know, and then I have so much, I mean, your daughter, unfortunately, I'm so sorry he's going through it, but don't you have a show with me right now, yeah. I know and then I have so much, I mean your daughter, unfortunately I'm so sorry he's going through it, but don't you have so much respect for people that work in that industry? I'm telling you right now, when people say to me, oh you know, it's such a hard,

Starting point is 00:52:59 it's the hardest thing you could ever do, I'm like no, no, go, like, cause my daughter has, she's nine and a half. She's had four open heart surgeries. Yeah, the first one was six days old. So like we knew in utero, she had to have open heart surgery. And, and then she's also had like a stent put it, it's a nightmare. And she needs more people always like, Oh, but she's okay, right? She's okay. And I'm like, no, she's, she's okay. She looks okay. She goes to school, thank God, but she has to have more.

Starting point is 00:53:28 So it's not easy. No. It's not easy, but she's amazing and you just deal with it. What are you gonna do? Yeah. What the fuck are you gonna do? But it's, can you imagine performing,

Starting point is 00:53:41 performing, look where my brain is. Hey, how you doing, heart? Can you imagine operating on a six day old's heart? No. Performing, performing, look where my brain is. Hey, how you doing, Hart? Can you imagine operating on a six day old's heart? No. No. No, or who are these people? The nurses, these angels. I don't know how they do it. I don't, I've seen the worst,

Starting point is 00:53:55 I mean, I have seen the worst things you could possibly see in the ICU for months at a time. There's nothing worse. No, there is. Nothing. And it also makes me think about the fact that I actually need more in Visalign. It could be that I'm not done. Yeah. I think, well, I haven't shit in like three days. So I'm feeling really backed up.

Starting point is 00:54:15 Yeah. Do you have anything here? You guys must have. What do you have? I mean, I'm sure we have some like fiber. Yeah. Some food. Are you drinking Metamucil regularly, especially at our age? Well, I took some Shena last night. Look at that face. Don't, Paul.

Starting point is 00:54:37 That made me think about not shitting. No, Tamper. Do you know, you two ladies, being that you're both lesbians need to get your vaginas ready to go? If you die, I'm not going to another guy. Vagina and you're sucking your mouth. I hate it so much.

Starting point is 00:54:57 Sexual organ, the vagina and uterus and your mouth. Fuck off. I hate it. I hate him so much. Do that every day. 9, 18, 36. Okay. Now your face get tightened.

Starting point is 00:55:12 Yeah. You're not sat down. Yeah. Because this muscle and this muscle are very connecting together. No, they're not connecting. When you have this PIVIC floor tightened. PIVIC floor. You don't get old.

Starting point is 00:55:24 And your vagina is tight. And you enjoy life, enjoy sex life with your husband. And the husband enjoy your vagina. There you go. All right. I literally just thought about when I was sexually. I swear on my life. I just had a flashback of when I was sexually.

Starting point is 00:55:43 From watching this? Yeah. I'm not kidding. You think I'm joking. Do you guys want to practice real quick? That was really good. What the fuck? This guy is the literal...

Starting point is 00:56:12 He's disgusting. Who is this? He is a mantaxia. He's like one of the... Probably the leading Taoist sex teacher in the world. Oh my god. But Jessica, he's... He mostly tells men to like rub their, they need to sharpen their swords. So he says, that's him.

Starting point is 00:56:31 That was him talking about rub, rub, rub. Rub, rub, rub, rub. 50 times this way, 50 times this way, 50 times this way. Oh my god, seriously, I have to go on more medication. I'm so freaked out Play it again Oh! Oh my god! She said that she realized that the worst thing that this guy has probably, he doesn't even know has ever happened is that somebody watched his video and goes, this reminded me of when I was assaulted. I know!

Starting point is 00:57:21 I'm serious. Were you assaulted by a Chinese man? If I was assaulted by a Chinese man, I couldn't even watch this, no. No, he was Japanese. But the thing is, it's why I'll never eat sushi again. Oh, yeah. Because it involves sushi, it was really aggressive.

Starting point is 00:57:40 Put a whole roll in at one time. Anyway, just wish it wasn't crunchy. I, um, that was so stupid when I just said, will you fucking kill me? No. Isn't it crazy how much we need to be liked? Yeah. Yeah. It's the, it's the baseline thing that I think ties all comedians together. Yeah. Like if the, at the simplest base level, it is a need for, hey, will you please like me? I know, that's the name of my production company, Please Like Me Productions. For real?

Starting point is 00:58:09 I swear on my life. Yeah. I told somebody this, because I did a podcast, we were talking all about, I go, look, all comics will say different things and different backgrounds, I go, at their core, all of us are going, please like me. Of course.

Starting point is 00:58:23 Yeah, please. That's all we need. And then no matter how much, you know what I've said, when they clap, stand up, standing, I'm like, it'll never fill the hole. Sit down. Like, not gonna do anything. That's the part where I'm at now,

Starting point is 00:58:35 where like, if I'll do stand up and I'll feel really good about myself after, and then I'll be like, yeah, but I'm gonna be depressed tomorrow. Cause I fucking don't really. It's not real. No, we have to do it from inside from, I know, you know, you have to do the work, which I'm not willing to do. I'm so tired.

Starting point is 00:58:52 Yeah, the work is too much, man. It really is too much. It's a lot. It's never ending. No, I know. There's no end to therapy. There's no end. Fuck. I know. So what do we do, dude? It just maintain until we die? Like, I think you just try to stay alive. I know. So what do we do, dude? Just maintain until we die? Like, that's it? I think you just try to stay alive. I mean, that's how I am right now. Yeah, just be alive. Like, I just try to stay alive.

Starting point is 00:59:10 Yeah, just try to just get out of bed in the morning. That's add. I mean, yeah. Hold on, sorry. It's okay. But also, just look as good as you can. Can you put that hand down? Because I'm Jewish.

Starting point is 00:59:20 Do you remember that? Oh, sorry. But also look at- She was sharing her heart. I was sharing her heart. Oh, okay. She was like, my heart goes out to you. Oh, but I was raising my hand. You fucking Jew.

Starting point is 00:59:31 No, I was raising my fucking hand. I do hate you. No, it was. I have a question. I had a question. I do not hate the Jews. I have a question. I thought you said get on the train.

Starting point is 00:59:40 I didn't know what you had said when you did that. Are you leaving yet? I have a question. Your special was amazing. I didn't know what you had said when you did that. Are you leaving yet? I have a question. Your special was amazing. Go ahead. Yeah, but I'm saying too, don't you think, and I learned this when I was sick. Now it's two hands,

Starting point is 00:59:53 because she felt self-conscious. Yes. That I felt when I was sick, I would put on makeup every, before I went down for every fucking surgery at three, I would go full hair and makeup. Really? Because when I woke up,

Starting point is 01:00:04 yes, I wanted to be like, what, like I wanted to be cute. And now that I'm getting older and losing my looks, I see how important it is to look your fucking best. And I'm not saying, you know, you have to do surgeries, whatever, just present yourself with a fucking thing of dignity in the world. Have dignity and pride in your looks.

Starting point is 01:00:23 I think that's really great. And it's important for your relationship too. Big time. It is. It really is because I know sometimes when someone's partner, whether it's a man or a woman, just lets it all go and just fucking, you know, it's difficult for the other person.

Starting point is 01:00:40 It's not who they were with originally. The what happened when people are like, meet somebody and they haven't seen in a while, they're like, what happened? That's the most horrible thing. Not even like they don't look great, what happened? Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:53 Did you go through something really terrible? Yeah. You're like, oh no, I've just been living life. They're like, oh. Even just like emotionally when one person stops growing or becoming curious about the world or I just, I know someone who just divorced and they're in their 70s. And she's like, yeah, I wanted to travel and do things.

Starting point is 01:01:09 And he just wants to stay home all the time. That's rough though. That's fucking really rough. To be in your 70s. I agree, it's really. And the person would be like, well, I'm just, you know, I feel like I wanna see shit. And the other person's like, I'm old, I wanna stay here.

Starting point is 01:01:22 I know, they just. Bye. Right. That's crazy. But I think, honestly, some people might look at it like, I'm gonna, I wanna stay here. I know, they just. Bye. Right. But I think honestly, some people might look at it like, I'm gonna pass soon. Yeah. Yeah. And I better just go out and do my own thing and. Fuck. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:34 That would be horrible though. Horrible, yeah. Cause who are you picking up in your last decade? Depends how much money you have. Who's out there, that's. Shout out to Bill Belichick, he just got engaged. I just thought about him when I said that. He just got engaged.

Starting point is 01:01:47 They were dating, but now it's official. Can you? Well, let's see. What's he gonna wear, a coffin? I'm so happy for them. It's a beautiful couple. Me too. They are tying the knot. Very, very excited.

Starting point is 01:02:02 He is locking it down. Way to go, Bill. Wait, where's our guy with the haircut? She's 24, he's 73. Oh, that's beautiful. That's not that much of a difference. That's a good age gap. It's just my lifetime.

Starting point is 01:02:19 Does he even have a penis? Oh yeah, I was gonna say, let's see them. Scroll down there. Oh, perfect. I get it, he's hot. The cool thing is, there was also reports that since they started dating, her real estate portfolio has grown by $8 million.

Starting point is 01:02:36 That's pretty cool. Yeah, that's so weird. He's like, what do you wanna get? She's like, a lot of house. Smart bitch. A lot of house, a lot of another house. Smart, in terms of bitches, that's how you do it. Don't ask for handbags. I want a house. I want another house. Smart in terms of bitches. That's, that's how you do it. Yeah. Don't ask for handbags. I love soccer.

Starting point is 01:02:51 That's so cool. And also our haircut guy with the orange haircut guy. Yeah. He got a new girlfriend too. Oh, you're talking about Mark Davis? Yeah. Oh, this guy. Yeah. Yeah. He got, Oh my God. They have the same lips. Look at the far right picture. Can we discuss him for a second? Cause I think that's a cool haircut.

Starting point is 01:03:14 Oh my God. Who is that? He owns the Raiders. Can you blow up that face? I'm in the mood for pancakes. But the haircut accentuates the face. Do you understand what's happening? This guy's happy and he's just out living his life.

Starting point is 01:03:37 So Jessica, he insists on going out of his way to the barber that gives him this haircut every time. So he drives something like 500 miles every time. No way. He drives a minivan and he drives it round trip like a few hours to get his hair cut. To get it this way. And he likes it. And she claims, I read she claims that she didn't know who he was. You know what I love about that though? About the haircut is that it just speaks to like he's definitely mentally ill., he's beyond, he's a killer. That's a killer, that's not like, just depressed. And I'll tell you, back out of that, back out one, and go to the second row, third, third, fourth smile.

Starting point is 01:04:17 I knew that was the one you were gonna. That's exactly. Holy shit. How he looks when he fucking kills. That is exactly, when he sees life leave someone's eyes, that's the expression you see. He's like, she's dead. Yeah, the haircut is-

Starting point is 01:04:37 I'm so sorry to hear about the funeral. He also, one of these guys, by the way, I've met him and he was a super nice guy. I bet. And one of these former players was like, yeah, you know, Mark's one of these guys where people always talk about his haircut and the minute people would stop talking about his haircut,

Starting point is 01:04:54 he probably wouldn't get his haircut like that, but he's just like, well, fuck y'all if you're gonna talk about my haircut. I'm like, that is the dumbest reasoning you could have for keeping this haircut. It's like, oh, you're gonna keep talking about it? Well, yeah. It looks like a toupee.

Starting point is 01:05:08 It does, yeah. It's not? No. No, that's his real hair. Yeah, you're right. He's got hair. It's such a waste of hair. You know what's amazing? I just wanna say this, because it says a lot.

Starting point is 01:05:16 He probably had a good shot. He loves himself. Yeah, he does seem. Like, no matter what, it's amazing to me. It depends on how you were brought up. I know. It really does. I were brought up. I know it really does I'm like so I constantly tell my kids how beautiful they are because yeah, I want them to feel that way good about yeah It's huge

Starting point is 01:05:35 Do you think that what I'm gonna show you here is funny or not horrible or hilarious? Here we go that scream was like it was the Tarzan scream it was he did a full Tarzan that scream is the craziest thing I've ever. It's totally insane. Okay, first of all. Look at it. Oh my God, now it's traumatized. See, that's what happened. That can't be the real scream. That's what's on here.

Starting point is 01:06:20 Yeah, I feel like it can't be. I know. It has an echo on it. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. What do you think? I mean, I love people falling. That's not falling though. That's an extreme act, like collision. Yeah, I enjoy it because I don't, like if it was gory, then I'd be like,

Starting point is 01:06:54 oof, like if you see something gory. But the fact that you don't see much and you hear a funny scream, that always makes me laugh. Yeah, did anyone die? I don't think so. I mean, we could hope, I don't know. I didn't like it.

Starting point is 01:07:07 You didn't like that one. Just for the record, you and Jessica are both mentally ill, so it's a good thing. Well, I mean. Yeah. What's going on here? Oh shit. What is that?

Starting point is 01:07:22 Shit. Was that a person? Yeah, a person came. That's that? Oh shit. What is that? Shit. Was that a person? Yeah. That's not great. That. A person came flying out of a car that was clearly going really fast.

Starting point is 01:07:35 And then they get thrown against this truck. I hope they didn't break their arm. But here's the thing. Here's the update. They're okay. No, they're not. No, they're not. That person lost their head. Yeah. Well, here's the update, they're okay. No they're not. No they're not.

Starting point is 01:07:47 That person lost their head. Yeah, well it's not- That was real, that scared the shit out of me. It's unconfirmed, but there is a possibility that he didn't make it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Jesus Christ. He was thrown against a truck at 100 miles an hour. And it might be that he didn't make it. Oh my God, I can't handle you. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Starting point is 01:08:16 Dude, it looks like a goat being thrown against a truck. It does. No. That's not even a human. Holy fuck. I mean, it did look like a goat. It did. It did. Yeah, I'm surprised.

Starting point is 01:08:31 Can you imagine if we heard that? That's really good. Thanks. I've been practicing for like 20 years. Not even lying. Can you do the full weight? I literally been practicing since the 90s. Okay That's good, right You're welcome that was amazing. Thank you. I cannot believe that video you just showed me. Yeah, that was crazy. That was traumatizing.

Starting point is 01:09:06 Yeah. Are you kidding? I'm so used to it though. This is, babe, it's Tuesday. This is my life. This is my life, bro. It is true. She usually hears, she knows if I'm in a good mood

Starting point is 01:09:17 by the types of screaming she hears on my phone. Like if I'm late, she's like, oh, you're happy. You're listening to like black people yell or. Screaming, yeah. Oh, maybe you can answer me this. My husband only falls asleep to genocide, homicide, kidnapping, terrorism. Are lesbians the same way?

Starting point is 01:09:36 Do you think that's just unique to men? No, it's not unique. I can't do it, but yeah, my ex would watch horrible shows. Always. Like police shows, but yeah, my ex would watch like horrible, you know, shows. Always. Like police shows, you know, whatever. She's always like, la la la, you're going to bed now with like homicide, genocide. Absolutely.

Starting point is 01:09:54 Are you all relaxed now, ready to close your eyes? I know. And it's not, excuse me, it's not just a guy thing. Okay. Yeah, it's a dyke thing too. Check this out. This is cool oh my god is he gonna fuck that thing just warn me that's worse than no really that's what I thought when I saw it. I like that one. This is what it's like to fuck Mark Davis.

Starting point is 01:10:26 You're that 24 year old girl. If you are 24 and you fuck a guy. He sounds like an old Jewish woman. Ay, ay, ay. You should expect those sounds. That camel looks like it's gone through fucking hell. Like it was thrown into a car. That camel looks like it's really.

Starting point is 01:10:58 And it's a baby. And it sounds like it's like the tenth person to stop him where he's like, I can't, I'm not anymore. Like he's just, ah.'t, I'm not anymore. He's just been climbing up. Look at that guy's face. Yeah, he's like, this is gonna feel good. He's like, wait till they get my dick. They're fucking the shit out of that camel.

Starting point is 01:11:17 Yeah, man. Oh my God. They feel good. That's so horrible. They feel good. Well, you know why? I'm not gonna say it out loud, but. Are you kidding me? After what we've been saying. Standing.

Starting point is 01:11:27 That is the perfect level. For a little person. A fuck camel. Do you know what I mean? A fuck camel? A famel? That size camel. It's like the perfect size for. Yeah, I guess.

Starting point is 01:11:38 What these guys are doing. You know what I mean? Is he standing up earlier? Like if you go. Oh, there he is. Oh, look. See? Yeah. He's at the perfect height. He's standing right behind it. It looks. Is he standing up earlier? Like if you go... Oh there he is! Oh look! Seattle!

Starting point is 01:11:45 Yeah, he's at the perfect height. He's standing right behind it! It looks like... Yeah, that's what these guys do. Aww. I've been there. I've been to this country. What country is this? Isn't this Seattle? Yeah, this is downtown. Atlanta? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:06 Oh my god, look! You watch these videos and you go choking it while he's fucking it my god and not coexist We cannot live with you We are different That's just fucking We are different. That should be the fucking diplomatic speech that the Secretary of State gets when he gets there. We are different.

Starting point is 01:12:31 We will not be like you. Thank you very much. We will never be the same. Oh, shit. That's the truth. Oh! God, shit! Fuck!

Starting point is 01:12:44 Oh, God damn shit! Fuck! Oh, God damn! God damn! God damn, master! Master? Master! God, Jimmy Walker looks horrible. He shrunk. That's iShowSpeed. That's like a huge, huge Twitch streamer YouTuber.

Starting point is 01:13:03 I guess he's trying to learn a little bit about the Shaolin monk lifestyle. You're supposed to be quiet. Yeah, you're definitely not supposed to go, God damn master for sure. No, you're not supposed to do that. Master is like. God damn master.

Starting point is 01:13:17 Yeah. Well, I'm glad it was an Asian guy. You know what I mean? Yeah, seriously. Oh my God. If it were a white guy. If it were a white guy and he's just like... God damn... Master!

Starting point is 01:13:30 Master! He says it so funny. Master! Master! Master! Master! That, I mean, he hit the fuck out of his shoulder. But what did he expect it to feel like? I don't know.

Starting point is 01:13:40 I'm shocked! I thought they were probably like, oh, this is like I'm new, you know, it's training master Yeah, me and my girl. I love the guy just holding him. Like what what is that? It's okay everyone feel like this, okay, I hold you No hurt. No hurt. It's the first time no her bed. You're talking fucking hurts me That is what that guy's saying trying to talk him out of his feelings. Okay, you're good. No, this is not too bad They're not too bad He's like I love a hit at black, and they make a noise.

Starting point is 01:14:28 I hit a black with a stick. I want to hit black for years. They're always dancing and loud, and now I hit them. I wish I could play basketball like him. God. Oh That one was intense yeah, right the third one you just did Okay, I'm drinking a lot of water all right go Hurry up. Hurry up. Don't pull out my tampons. You're going to the tampon place right now. Don't pull out my tampons.

Starting point is 01:15:12 What a bitch. Such a bitch. So, are you on tour? You're on tour right now? Yeah, I'm like you, I'm always on tour. It never ends. Yeah. Yeah, it's, when I'm a little freaked out

Starting point is 01:15:24 about the summer, cause like, you know. I'm taking it down, dude. You are? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's really I when I'm a little freaked out about the summer cuz like taking it down dude You are yeah, yeah me too. Yeah, it's like then I get itchy. Of course. I know the first couple weeks You're like this is great. Mm-hmm, and then you're like wait, what am I doing? I know I'm not working Yeah, my life is over my career is ending. Yeah always I know How long you when are you stopping your tour? So? basically Always. I know. How long you... When are you stopping your tour? So... Basically... After this weekend. Oh.

Starting point is 01:15:49 Yeah. I'm done. I have one gig in June. Yeah. And then my next gig after that's August 28th. Wow. Yeah. I have... I'm doing more than that just because... I just need to keep working and stuff, but I...

Starting point is 01:16:00 Where are you this weekend? Where am I? I don't even know. That's how I am. I don't even know where I am right now. Yeah. I barely do. I barely do. I don't know how you do it.

Starting point is 01:16:15 When people say that to me, I'm like, whatever, but you really work fucking hard. It's been, yeah, it's a lot. A couple years, yeah. Two years of just grinding it out. We did some gigs together. That was super fun Oh my god. I love that a half of them got rained out which was the best amazing Yeah, there were like six and we did three or something like that. It's amazing and then they're like, you know, you're getting paid but Yeah, no show. Sorry. We set up more of these

Starting point is 01:16:41 Did you set up more gigs where we don't have to do them? Yeah, you said to our agent Can you just always get us booked in Canada during this season when it rains? Yeah. Can you do outdoor only tours for me? Yeah. In like perilous weather places? That would be awesome. In Antarctica? Yeah, just fully insure it. But yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean. That was more shocking than the guy flying into the, I'm serious. That shocked me what just happened. Also can you just process? Let's just talk about it for one second. Let's process the level of disrespect.

Starting point is 01:17:15 Honestly to the two of us. Yeah, because it was first of all, let's talk about it. It was planned. Yeah, she held it. It was very aggressive. No, you knew it was coming and you waited to sit down just be honest Oh, and it was That was not just one. Yeah, but she gave it extra there was tears to it

Starting point is 01:17:37 Like the second one was You're more so get to be a lesbian now that you just blew it out your ass So disgusting you're so vile and it's you know, it's you're gonna die laughing. It was two, right? Yeah I have an obsession with the number three and I swear on my life. It's killing me that you didn't do a third Oh my gosh, you can can you just do one more? You think I'm joking? It'll make Fuck you have to wait just wait does that have a time limit on it? No, just before I leave. Sure. Or I'm gonna have a horrible day. Oh, there'll be 30 more before you leave.

Starting point is 01:18:08 You have them in the chamber too. No, I don't. Can he finish the sequence? Yes, it doesn't matter. I don't have one in the chamber. I just need to have someone else. Do any of you guys have to fart? Fortunately not.

Starting point is 01:18:20 My manager, Adam's here. Adam, do you have to fart? Fuck. I wish I could. I'll work on it for you, babe. You're unbelievable, dude. I haven't farted on this show in so long. We used to have a fart mic. It was a lot. Yeah, I've heard a lot of farts on it. It was, like it was... Is that my daughter's dance recital? What the fuck was that?

Starting point is 01:18:43 Can I tell you something too, Jess? It's just a testament to how comfortable I feel. I knew you were gonna say, I love you so much. And how much I love you. I would never do this for another guest. There's not. Ever? No one be honest with me. Wow. Just you, babe.

Starting point is 01:18:54 I know, I love you so much. Just you. What a lucky, lucky girl. I knew you would like it. I thought that when you did it, I'm like, she loves me. Mm, I don't ever have that thought. Why don't you beef? Let's have some roast beef from you. I don't have anything. You got beef. And I wouldn't do that to thought. Why don't you beef? Let's have some roast beef from you. I don't have anything.

Starting point is 01:19:06 I wouldn't do that to Jessica. Yes, you would. Okay, I would. I don't have one. You've probably done it in an elevator, like joke around with me or something. Probably. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:19:17 Kill me. The both of you kill me. You want to show Jess some of these cool videos that you put in here? Yeah, dude. Okay, Jess, Christina curated some of these. videos that you put in here. Yeah, dude. Okay, Jess Christina Curated some of these these are from her collection. Yeah tomorrow I'm getting permanently sterilized by having my fallopian tubes removed

Starting point is 01:19:33 So I decided to throw a little celebration for that to celebrate the fact I made the choice to not have kids women tend to only Be celebrated when they get engaged get married or have a baby I swear to see them celebrated as individuals for their accomplishments outside of their families. So it was really important to me to make sure that I dedicated time and space to celebrate myself and this life changing decision that I'm making and I'm so excited about it.

Starting point is 01:19:57 Yeah. Can I tell you that this type of chick, I feel like only evolved in the last 10 years. I think you're right. Yeah, Nani, it's five years, don't you think? The one who goes, it's time to celebrate that I'm not getting married. And then they'll throw a party.

Starting point is 01:20:10 Or even worse, I'm marrying myself. Remember that stupid. Oh my God. This is what stupid bitches are doing. Cause they can't meet life's criterion and then they celebrate their failure. And then this chick is like, I'm not having babies, so here's a cake I got to celebrate.

Starting point is 01:20:28 You can't just not have babies. I know, I really, well, I mean, anyone who would make fun of this, she tapped her stomach, what's in there? Well, there's a lot in there. Well, I'm saying she's getting tubes removed, not the baby. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:41 I mean, I'm not making fun of her, I'm disgusting. I am, I think that, look, lots of people'm not making fun of her I'm disgusting I am I think that look It's lots of people choose not to have children but to make a thing out of it seems a little Mentally ill right? Yeah, this kind of stuff is is I have to say it's mentally ill to me Like look if I were to be totally it's not happy. It's like she's about to kill someone There's a lot of in my opinion. there's a lot of anger behind it. Well, that's a totally manufactured smile, right? Like that's not a genuine smile.

Starting point is 01:21:10 She hates her mommy and daddy. Because that would be like me being like, I'm so happy I got a mastectomy, a double mastectomy. I'm celebrating my double mastectomy. It's like nobody really wants. Yeah, I agree. Maybe it's not a good analogy because she voluntarily, I don't know, we don't know. We don't know her story.

Starting point is 01:21:25 Maybe she has problems, physical problems. Well, that's different. But I think her announcing to people, it's like very much like, don't tell me what to fucking do. Don't tell me if I should have a baby or not. It's my own body. I can just, you know. Right.

Starting point is 01:21:38 I think it's great whatever she decides to do. Very kind of passive aggressive video. Yeah, that's what I feel. Don't fucking tell me what to do. You know why? You know why? You know why? Because of her fucking, her sister Debbie. And Debbie's got five kids

Starting point is 01:21:50 and everybody pays attention to Debbie. Yeah, and her parents are always like, why can't you be more like Debbie? Deb, that's why. And now she's like. Debbie has five, you have none. Yeah, what are you gonna? Well the turning around, the twirling around,

Starting point is 01:22:04 the cake, the whole thing, it's really extreme. The twirl. I've never twirled. I've never twirled in my life, come on. Twirl, twirl. Can you imagine twirling? You know how safe you'd have to feel in the world? I am.

Starting point is 01:22:19 I'm in my hotel. I know him. Wait a second. Hold on, hold on, Jessica. Totally nude. Jessica. Wait. Oh, thank you so much Yeah, I really feel better. You got it cuz I have to do everything if I take toilet paper It's three of the edit board at a time. I'm not kidding I have to help my alarm on my phone three my car three times. Yeah, I have a problem

Starting point is 01:22:43 Yeah, so if she didn't fart a third time. You know this guy you said? Just keep going, he might be a comedian. No. I'm in my hotel. Totally nude. Oh my God. Except socks.

Starting point is 01:23:04 Ugh. That's cool. On a serious issue. Oh my god. That's cool. Oh. Oh my god. Oh my god, generation out of touch right the mouth thing is a lot of things are changing like your clothes all over the world all over the world that's smart oh my god something's wrong I'm not kidding I feel like there's smoked salmon in his teeth. It's even worse. Like he just had a bagel with onion and Nova.

Starting point is 01:23:51 I'm sweating. What is going on with this guy? For real. Stop touching yourself, bro. I like the touch. Conversation. Watch. I think Somehow having a conversation. Conversation. Watch. You remember that word?

Starting point is 01:24:07 I think he's a comedian. I swear. Really? Barry. That's a definitely Barry. Yeah, it's his name. What? His name's Barry. Barry Ribs? Yes!

Starting point is 01:24:16 Yeah, you nailed it. Oh my God. You guys thought I was, I'm sorry, I just freaked out, but I cannot now. Now I feel sexual. I was I'm sorry. I just freaked out but I cannot now now I feel sexual From Barry I love that we both and you know him I do you've like you've probably been in a show with he's a really Nice guy, but I don't even know what he just said. I'm not kidding. I have I I'm really not Funny I have no idea what he just said

Starting point is 01:24:44 I have I I'm really not saying this to be funny. I have no idea what he just said. Oh Yeah, there is why is that woman the first picture the hottie? That's just like she's my Bella chick Get it. Yeah, that's hilarious Okay, she seems like a cool chick This is your opener. This is the guy you're bringing with you. This is my agent What's Barry doing here? The Diddy collection. He's doing real cool guy stuff. Wait a second.

Starting point is 01:25:12 This is wild that you knew this person. I swear I'm like. There's a theme here. There's probably a picture with me somewhere. Oh no. Is that me kissing him? There's some big titted broads on his feet. I thought that this was just,

Starting point is 01:25:26 I had no idea that this was his feet. I'm so ridiculous. Can I tell you something? In all the years we've been doing these, this has never happened where a guest goes, I know that guy. Never? And she does?

Starting point is 01:25:39 If I'm on this, you guys are gonna die. Cause he's a huge fan of mine. Really? Huge. He texted me last week fan of mine. Really? Huge. He texted me last week. Holy shit. You gave him your number? I've known him for years.

Starting point is 01:25:52 Wait, was that my ass? Okay, all right. He has done some of my stuff and tagged me and been done silly. Scroll back up. If you look at always be silly on somehow on his thing It's it's my tag and he's doing something. I've done really yeah Go to one of his speaking ones where he's yeah, what's he doing here?

Starting point is 01:26:16 How was that be and that could run the gamut Let's say. Cleaning his teeth again. Politicians. Okay. Oh my god his mouth looks like a heart. Alright. The smoked salmon. Everything bagel, smoked salmon. Yeah, with onion. Has to have red onion. A lot of it. A lot of it. He loves red onion, trust me. Money in my pocket. I hope he doesn't kill me now. Orgasmic. Oh!

Starting point is 01:26:58 I'm speechless. We gotta cut this out. I don't want you to get murdered. Jessica Kersh said, absolutely. Peace! What? This has never happened in the history of YMH. What did he say?

Starting point is 01:27:17 Jessica Kersons said. Do you understand how fucking crazy this is that you guys played his video? And you just clicked on one video. What is he saying? Jessica's what? My tagline. This is so fucking crazy. My tagline for 20 years has been always be silly. Always has been that. So he does video sometimes and says. Well, I'll tell you what, I like this not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it.

Starting point is 01:27:45 I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it.

Starting point is 01:27:51 I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it.

Starting point is 01:27:58 I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. He'll just come to shit, like he came to the Stress Factory the last time I was there, this was years ago, and just watches me and says, you're great.

Starting point is 01:28:06 Like he hasn't been. You say women aren't funny? They make you feel small, et cetera. Jessica Kersen is all over America, especially Beats of Cater. That's very sweet. That's very sweet. And he's right. Yeah, I mean, he's very supportive.

Starting point is 01:28:19 Yeah, wow, that was fucking surreal. That was pretty awesome. That's never happened. That was crazy. I don't know how you play it on here, but that was We're gonna that was wild. Hopefully get more videos I'm thirsty. Want a lunch? I want to show up. I want to show up. I want to show up.

Starting point is 01:28:50 Does that arouse you at all? Like, would you like a partner that didn't have to be your partner? Like, would you like a partner that didn't have to be your partner? Like, would you like a partner that didn't have to be your partner? Like, would you like a partner that didn't have to be your partner? I wanna show up. I wanna show up. Pfft.

Starting point is 01:29:06 Does that arouse you at all? Like, would you like a partner that did age shifting? Was this right before a school shooting? Yeah. It's, yeah. Okay, that is so, that might be one of the top most disturbing ones. Thank you. How do you feel about it?

Starting point is 01:29:23 Oh, I love it. This stuff gets me. It's like energy. What is this for though? So this so there's this thing called little space where mentally ill Jen's ears are like I need to get into my little space. So he's taking a break from his day job and going into his car to get into his little space. It's so stupid. I want my my in his car to get into his little space. That's so stupid. I want my, I want my ba-ba. I want my ba-ba.

Starting point is 01:29:46 This generation is so fucking doomed. These guys are doomed. I really, yeah. I change my di-di, I make a boom-boom. Hold on, we have to check in with Enny. How do you feel, Enny, right now? This, I mean, that doesn't, I mean, he should probably get beat up or something.

Starting point is 01:30:02 So, it doesn't bug me, though. It's whatever. He should probably get beat up or something. But it doesn't bug me though. It's whatever. He should probably get beat up. He's really, really loud. He's really, really loud. But this doesn't affect you the way male black homosexuality. No, there's no cop in his mouth, so it's fine. There's no black dicks.

Starting point is 01:30:19 Well, he's not gay, right? No, no, but you know, and he's black. And you know how black guys are like, I don't play no gay shit when it comes to like. Oh, so he's a homopho right? No, no, but you know, and he's black, and you know how black guys are like, I don't play no gay shit when it comes to like. Oh, so he's a homophobe? No, no, he just doesn't like when black guys do gay shit. No. No.

Starting point is 01:30:33 No. No. Like, he's just like, what the fuck? He doesn't like seeing it in video. No, he's not a homophobic, he just doesn't like when black men touch each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:30:43 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's not into that. You wanna see something he doesn't like when black men touch each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's not into that. You want to see something he doesn't like? Yeah, show me. Here's some shit he doesn't like. Look at him shaking his head.

Starting point is 01:31:08 So we play stuff like that for him. Cause I know he won't like it. He hates it. He's on camera six. He's on camera six right there. He hates it so much. I can't take it. Yeah. Well, he's not even smiling.

Starting point is 01:31:19 No. No. Oh, he's like that. Yeah. It upsets him. Like there, look, we all have our wheelhouse of videos that upset us. For me, I don't like guys being super horny.

Starting point is 01:31:29 I hate it when guys are like, oh, make it come, look at your pussy. I'm like, that shuts me down. Yeah. I wouldn't say that I'm whatever phobic that is, but I just don't like seeing that. Well, it's horny guys. I get that a lot.

Starting point is 01:31:43 I understand that. Yeah. Me too. What's your... You know what? You're turned on, see? That's how I've spent my whole life. Oh, it's so cool.

Starting point is 01:31:50 You know what? It's public transportation guy. This is the guy on the subway that did that to you when you were like 12, you know? I know, and I shouldn't have fucked him. Such a big mistake. This is really intense. It's intense, yeah. That's an intense ass.

Starting point is 01:32:11 Yeah, the guy's got a great body. He's a great shape. I know. Yeah. Wait, what's your video? What shuts you down? Oh boy, I don't know. I mean, I think like aggressive, aggressive men

Starting point is 01:32:23 like that too, I can't, or like, but the way they like, yeah, come on, yeah, I'll fucking, yeah, I'll't know. I mean, I think like aggressive aggressive men like that too. I can't or like that but at the way they like Yeah, come on. Yeah, I'll fucking yeah. I'll make you that's like a joke I have about going straight guys when I was coming out be like I can change you You just haven't had the right guy, you know, I hate that shit, of course This guy I hate him so much. I hate him Does he fuck them with his nose? Does he have a really big nose or is it just up close? I don't think it's the best angle for him,

Starting point is 01:32:55 but it is a sizable schnoz. It's very disturbing. I feel that, I'm also not into like, I cannot watch someone being like tortured or oh, yeah Yeah, like any kind of assault or that kind of thing. I can't watch it. What's your thing? No, I know cuz I find them what nose picking and nose eating. Oh my god I fucking hurled dude What you doing your kids did that they don't either but they would never like book leaders I know it's really bad

Starting point is 01:33:29 I see it today like it could be in a video and I'll be like Start to try like the camel The camera was my first time to see bigger people. There are not many big people in Japan. Because a lot of Japanese people are very disciplined. We believe that harmony is very important. So if you are too big, and then you stand out too much. And then they kind of destroy the harmony in the society.

Starting point is 01:34:02 In a way. So image is massively important here. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. I love that they, in the caption, they just wrote fat where she said big. That's why I was laughing. They're like, well, you are too fat. Didn't they say pig at some point? I think she said big and they wrote pig.

Starting point is 01:34:21 Yeah. That's like, what is that? What is this show? Is this a show? Yeah. It looks like a BBC Four probably. Yeah. It's pretty great though, right? Cause most cultures are like that.

Starting point is 01:34:33 They're like, you can't be four bills, dude. I know. You're sticking out. But what would make them wanna go and be told that I think somebody was just like. You're fat, get out of our country. Somebody was just like, you wanna have a good meal? And they were like, yeah.

Starting point is 01:34:45 And this lady's gonna come talk to you. Oh, okay. Oh, that's amazing. It's an intervention. Yeah, she's like, oh, interesting. We've never seen people that look like you. Now that's a good show. If they did an international intervention.

Starting point is 01:34:56 Fat intervention. They send you, when you're really fat, to Asia and you just get shamed into losing weight. That's actually a great idea. Well, the Koreans have, like in some of the parks, they have that structure that has slots that are for a certain width. And they go fit through this and you're healthy.

Starting point is 01:35:16 Really? If you can't fit through this, you're a big fatty, big fat fuck, stop being fat. Kill yourself. Yeah. You fucking fat motherfucker. Yeah, yeah they do. And it's out there, it's like, it's in public

Starting point is 01:35:25 and they're like, don't be this fat. Can you imagine getting stuck in it? Oh my God. Yeah. It has to have happened. I mean, I had a, I used to have to ask for a seatbelt extender and that was horrific. Horrific, right?

Starting point is 01:35:35 Horrific. Tell me about the first time. I tried to make it quiet, I was like, hi, do you have a, what? What do you need? I need a seat. I, okay, so you need a seat connector. Like it was really.

Starting point is 01:35:46 Yeah. Once I was on a tiny plane doing a gig in like the Midwest and there were only like six of us on the plane, you know, one of those. And the, I almost just said housekeeper. The flight attendant. Housekeeper. The flight attendant's like, do you have your,

Starting point is 01:36:07 and she was heavy, I'll never forget this, she was heavy. And she's like, is your seatbelt fastened? I used to put a jacket over it. And I'm like, mm-hmm, she's like, I need to see. I never forget this, because she was very heavy. And I had to show her and she's like, that's not fast and let me get you a center. I'm like, you're a, like you're,

Starting point is 01:36:29 that it was really horrible. She should have just discreetly like here. Yeah, like knowing how it feels like. Yeah. Just like she tried to, basically she tried to shame you. Yeah. It was really unbelievable. That's not nice.

Starting point is 01:36:43 I've seen them discreetly hand. Yeah, me too. I've been on flights where I try to get one for Bert. I've been like, hey, can you get me a seatbelt extender? And they're like, what? I'm like, okay, can you get him a seatbelt extender? And they're like, okay. You just brought rope and tied him around the seat.

Starting point is 01:36:58 Here man, this is so you can fit better. Did you find the slots, Josh Solo? You're gonna see this Jessica. It's so This is very There is so by the local health authority the science says your belly fat can change So you pass through these gaps? So we have skinny slim Standard yes, you could just standard standard or ch standard. Yes, you could

Starting point is 01:37:26 Standard or chubby. No, you're not Standard failed standard. Oh see this time and they're calling him chubby. Yeah this guy That's He's chubby. Yeah. Yeah, that guy looks like he weighs like a hundred and seventy five. He's chubby. He's chubby. Yeah. That guy looks like he weighs like 175 pounds. That's not a lot. Not even that.

Starting point is 01:37:50 I don't even know that. Maybe less. Yeah. Maybe once they're like, you're chubby, you're a disgrace to family and nation. I think they should have these before a flight attendant can check in for her job to get on the plane and call you a fatty. Yeah. I know.

Starting point is 01:38:02 Because they have to enforce stuff. Big Barb. She walks down the aisle, peanuts are cookies. So much attitude and you're like, holy shit. They're so mean. And then you fly international flights where you're like, oh, they have these angels working on board. I know, they really are amazing. The international. Unbelievable. Cafe Pacific. Wherever women are treated the worst, they have the best like, oh my God, that's so true, like the Arab Emirates.

Starting point is 01:38:28 Because they know their value. They know their value. They're like, this is what I'm worth. So I'll bring it to work. Yeah, they're like, if I want to stay alive, I better go back and ask her what she wants. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so true.

Starting point is 01:38:40 I don't want to be fucking beheaded. Yeah, I'll do a good job today. Oh my god It's directly proportional Listen, I have to say this if you have not yet you need to go on hulu and see i'm the man It's jessica kurson's new special. She is absolutely one of the best comedians working in the world today So fucking funny just fantastic so much So uh, I've had we were saying like when you were taking your shit We were talking about how much fun we had on the road

Starting point is 01:39:08 Because we did we did some gigs together. That's right. That's right. I'm so glad he took you I know Not he took he's amazing. No, it's just the fact this is the thing Tom has been one of the guys Who has helped me and taken him under his wing because you know I like yes you have so is Bill Burr these are he's a good champion of the lady comics yes very good to me early to shout out to bill burr for being supportive produced this special the last one yeah I mean it's like if it weren't for these guys because none of the female comics ever took me on the

Starting point is 01:39:42 road to open for them I mean well I don't know about you. Well, you're too funny though. Yeah. Well, you know what we both- You couldn't open. I wouldn't follow you. No way. Bill and I both say, pussy's pussy. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:39:52 Hey, what's up? I know. Yeah. I mean, it's- don't repeat why you did that last summer. But anyway, yeah. Invisalign still, I'm still recovering. Thank you guys. I hate you.

Starting point is 01:40:07 Stupid as hell. For watching, thank you for listening. Jessica, thank you for coming in today. I love you. Thank you, you're brilliant. You're the best. You're my favorite. We'll see you guys next week.

Starting point is 01:40:15 Bye, mommy. Take Norman Somerton. Take Norman Somerton. Take Norman Somerton. Balls and cock. Stupid, useless, tiny balls and cock. Little pathetic cock.

Starting point is 01:40:32 Pig has no rope, no string, so he's gonna have to use this, this pig leash. Nice and tight or by Mr. Salimi by my balls. Little pathetic cock Pasticles, pasticles

Starting point is 01:40:48 These stupid, stupid balls Pig balls, pig cock, pig balls, pig cock Here comes a little cock Aww, can't even see it's so small What a fucking loser Balls, pasticles, loser. Balls, Pisticles, Pisticles, Balls,

Starting point is 01:41:07 and cock. I'm a fuckin' loser. I'm Jake Norman Summerton. Select, or trap, cocksuckin' bisexual Pigs.

Starting point is 01:41:20 Pigs. Pigs. Pigs. Pigs. Pigs. Pigs. Little, P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-

Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812

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