Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Episode 82-The Realness-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

In what will certainly be discussed as one of the realest episodes of any podcast ever, the mommies throw down and learn that "Dick" will make you slap somebody in the face! What? Yes! A recent discovery of an older television show makes Tommy get introspective and discuss his love and obsession with black culture - what could it be?!? BIKES! Also, both mommies tell stories of issuing death threats. Watch out! More dental, oversharing, plus the mommy dome is moving! 

Hey, yo, yo turn my headphones up DJ Yo, yo just a quick reminder for we first of all happy Halloween everybody The moon is full and the ghosts and the goblins are out and you better give them candy Otherwise they'll put toilet paper all over your if if you're listening to this the moment you should which is the moment it drops Which is October 31st Oh Yeah, we're just giving you a little tap on the shoulder and maybe a tug on the nut bag

To to remind you to check out all things comedy.com. We've told you about it before it's our new home everybody It's a co-op. Is that the way? Yeah, you say that Comedy co-op comedians that we like and respect and we belong to a network where we can recommend things for you guys to check out Yeah, so what do we have this week Jean's machine? Well, Jean's we encourage you to check out Harlan Williams podcast the Harlan highway. That's a funny dude, man He's ridiculous. He is hilarious. We got to get him on this show. I would love to have Harlan here. Yeah, he's great He also has a new mobile app out called the Harlan app It's available at iTunes via Harlan app.com and it's got ringtones narrations soundboards funny stuff

And it's a pretty cool idea. Yeah. Yeah, so the Harlan highway is his podcast all things comedy calm Check it out always check out the everything there is good That's why we're lucky to be a part of this because this is a good team to be on man Yeah, this has got a bunch of fucking first stringers if you know, I'm saying nobody's coming off the bench on this fucking network That's one way of putting it We're winners you guys you're hanging out with the winning teams and also Ma's Jobrani one of the only Persian guys that I would want to say that I know

He has set up a crowdfunding campaign for a movie. He wants to make Jimmy Vestwood a medican hero A comedy described as the pink panther meets coming to America. Hey, you can't go wrong with that There is a link to this campaign Which they have conveniently emailed us that we can't say it's got question mark That's ridiculous, but fuck what a horrible plug that was we just plug something that we can't even yet Maybe we should just cut this out no, I mean go to Shit, it's was is it on his site Google Ma's Jobrani

Google them crowdfunding campaign for a movie. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I mean, you know, what the fuck? That's what Google's for you guys figure it out yourself. Hey, here's the thing You might want to check out look up stuff on yourself. Actually, you know what? I just got I just got to his website It's right there. Okay. He's smart. All right. What's up? So it's ma's jobrani.com. That's ma z j o b r a n i this is already longer than I wanted it to be Oh quick. You got to fucking listen to this We got this episode and then you get next week as a Halloween treat a special bonus you guys dropping on Monday. Yes Let's just say huge

Monster episode and this is not a joke. We have one of The presidential candidates on the show and not an impressionist not like when people are like Oh, and then their friend calls in we actually got one on the phone to do the show crazy That's a special bonus that comes up this Monday on Your mom's house and then you still get your regular Wednesday episode. That's right. How fucking much do your moms love you because it's Halloween Bump, bump, bump, bump bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, Goes the weasel goes the weasel goes plop. It smells like your plops right now

It smells like that awful lavender spray and your plops. Thank you for doing that. Well, I plopped in there Remember when your sister Maria used that spray as body spray when she was like Maria. You guys know I came home one day Christina wasn't here and I can smell from outside Yeah, this strong vanilla smell and I know the only thing that we have in here It smells exactly like that is the bathroom like the spray to cover the shit. It's spray. Yeah So but I can smell it from outside. So I'm like jeez like walking up the drive

Fuck man. So I come in and I'm like Hey, man, how many times did you spray that spray? And she's like what? That's right. That's right. It's about a spot. I'm like, yeah, you did man. I go I can smell from outside. She's like I Thought it was body spray. I was like, it's not body spray. We keep it by the toilet Yeah, I go how many times you spray it. She goes I spread it on myself like five times And I was like, oh my god, you sprayed like a one spray clears out a room She sprayed it all over herself five times. It's so strong. I thought I saw the lettuce Why can smell it? You've only sprayed it a couple times once. Oh once that's once it's wafting in from across the hall into our office here

Yeah, that's powerful. Well, look before we get started on all this other stuff power. We got to pay the bills Jeans jeans jeans jeans on ten eyes. Where can people see you? I will be in Hartford, Connecticut at the Hartford funny bone of November 15th a through a tooth So totes come and see me you guys. It makes my week a lot better What about you Tommy buns? Well, let's see when When people are listening to this initially, I'll be on my way to Indianapolis Yeah, but crackers crack a lacquers. That's the best down your downtown though. I was in broad nipples Downtown India. I like that club a lot

Come check me out. That's the first club Ruth Ann Let me feature at and I was your opener. Do you remember when we first started dating and we didn't tell we didn't start dating We were engaged. We were engaged. We were engaged at that point. Yes And I just I told you like let's not tell her and we lied the whole week and she had no idea We didn't lie. We just didn't we didn't lie, right? We just didn't tell it because I didn't want her to judge you based on being with me Yeah, I was like no, she's just funny check her out. Yeah, well, that's why I don't I don't do my stage name So Gora cuz don't you find that if people like let's say they hate me

Yeah, they'll automatically hate you sure and I don't want I don't want to put brown on your sleeve, right? If it's my brown, it's my brown. I agree. That's really sweet of you to think that way Um Yeah, so I'm doing the I'm doing a death squad tour. Oh If you just want to check me out if you're in Ohio, I'm doing a Dayton Cincinnati in Columbus November 8th 9th and 10th if you go to TomCigarette.com look on the live shows page There's links. This is like a small venue kind of tour. It'll be fun You can only get the tickets at brown paper tickets

It's a good one and yeah, we got it That's that And then after that Madison, Wisconsin come check me out when in November still we're in a yeah Yeah, remember really gone then through 17. I'll be at the comedy club on State Street You can hear that there's weirdness in my voice. It's cuz we're moving. Oh And it's the worst Horrible dust allergies, you know you sound like you sound like you're like 500 pounds because when you were reading the stamps.com you went Like I heard you and it sounded like you were

Like a what is it biggie Smalls when he used to rap and he sounded like he had a chicken wing in his mouth. Yeah It's super. Yeah, I'm super obese. I'm sorry jeans. I am super obese, but I'm also struggling But you know what it is? It's the dust mites in this room because we never clean it and now we're packing and it's It's killing me. You know what though? You know what this means is that our neighbor one you guys? She got you got rid of us our shitty name. We're leaving guys Do you know that yesterday morning at 8 30 a.m. I woke up to hearing somebody yawning? I this is what I woke up to When you can hear your next door neighbor yawning you got you got to go this is like dorm rooms Yeah, this is this is ridiculous packing up man. We're out of here man. We're out of this joint. Let's do it. You ready?

Yeah, it's party If you're in a sexual relationship, the man should be coming if he ain't gonna be coming then the man gonna be going somewhere else Putting this penis and something else and somebody else. So that is the idea If he's gonna have sex with you the ultimate goal for a man is to have an orgasm to have a large Earth-shaking Ejaculation and a lot of women want that man to have the best Ejaculation when he's in the right they want to be so incredible that he does not pick another woman's mouth of Vagina over theirs, and I think that's what a lot of women don't really want to be honest about they want you to fall in love

Women want men to fall in love with the pussy or the head They wanted to be so dynamic in comparison to everything he's ever had You want to stand out bar none and you want to know that no matter how long or how little time it takes this man always Ejaculates in your mouth in your vagina or he just has the ejaculation period You just want to see it because a lot of women get their power We just like men if their penis is little or if the penis ain't hitting the walls right or finding the g-spot If he doesn't know how to make the woman have a satisfying orgasm He's going to feel that he's off and a lot of women will laugh and talk about me if their penis is small

Or if they're not performing to a level that she's used to then that will affect his self-esteem So in so many other ways women we are Affected with the way that a man has his orgasms and the way that his penis responds the way he responds when he's in our mouth And in our vagina Oh We'll get back into it a minute actually have another treat for you Is that when gail was talking about our life? Yeah, that's gail and Oprah talking about that was when the We actually have a listener

Submitted song. Oh, I love it. I love it. Okay. All right. I love these Oh There we go Comedy team We don't ever be conversation smoke is real raw and uncut your mom's house All right, that was really good. Yeah, so that's our boy Scribble Wow, of course he has to Spell it in a fun

Hip-hop fashion. So how does he spell it? He spells it like a rapper would it's a s k r i b b a l That was really good, and I like that he sampled that nightmare before Christmas song. I think that's what that is Is it that hook to it? Well, thanks scribble check them out on Twitter. Follow him check him out on Twitter. It's at Scribble, which is s k r i bb a l Thank you for your song, man. I really really liked it. You got flavor. You got flavor son. Yeah, let's not again I'm buying a new label. I like that. That's so amazing that people can do that. I'm sorry about my voice Sorry about it. Time are very

You're very upset about this about your allergies and your voice crazy. I know it's it's really ruining your ability to pack boxes I don't like that This is difficult for me Yeah, so Did you like that Gail and Oprah segment? That was because I think I missed that episode When Oprah and Gail were talking about how to to keep your man how she and Stedman Oprah and Stedman keep it together Hey, what's the comment? He has them coming your mouth and then and your vagina. Yeah, but what about your a-hole? I didn't really mention the yeah, you know what? Maybe what we should do is pick up where where it left off

Yeah, okay It's one woman was telling me she said she was having sex with this man She was sitting on top of her mind And she says she had gotten into a groove So you know she might have gripped his head or she might have put her hands on his shoulders or locked them around the back of his neck So she made sure just like a horse. She had that cell and she had the rope So she couldn't let go and then she got into that groove She's sitting on him

She's rocking and she rolled in her rhythm and she just forgotten where she was she got into a deep state of euphoria Because she said it was good Well, it's all the problem though. She said it was so good But then she started walking and she just got into an all of a sudden she said something just hit it Damn all upside his head just slapped him. They're gonna make it slap somebody Need to remember that that's why I'm trying to deal with the fact wait a minute Here's gail now you tell him your story and then you switch it on me and say the woman in Ecstasy and turn around and slap somebody she slapped him upside the head and I said why did you slap?

She said I couldn't have it. She just I know your audience Okay Finish your story. I want to hear why she's She said she just got into this groove. She found her rhythm. See that's what women don't realize That's one reason why we get caught because the penis is a very powerful organ. It's the peanuts Deep spiritual sexual make you slap some he's seeking It's a missile baby. It's just like a rocket see and inside of every rocket. You see Theo I would it sounds like media is encoded in it for it to do what it do

He's in her they have become one on that spiritual sexual level So she starts to find the groove in the parts of his penis start hitting the parts of her vagina walls Harmonizing I'm making them sing and so she feel like she's in church Jumping and shout because that man hitting them walls like she needed to hit them walls So she said it was so good and she relaxed and she said at one instant it was feeling so good to her The thought crossed her mind that he might let somebody else Have a little sample of that She said it's just just the feeling of being caught up in the pleasure and then thinking about wait a minute

He might do this right here. She's just slapping so I'm just saying sometimes We have to be aware that cuz dick or make you slap somebody in the face It could make you lose control We could make you pull a gun and shoot somebody in the damn thing see you got to be careful That's what a lot of us have really gone overboard with this. I told you hallelujah Instead of like media one moment. Holy shit peanuts. Yeah, the peanuts. Can I tell you what I love the most about this? Yeah, you would never hear two white women having this conversation that like that never not never

This is why black people are fucking the coolest on the planet. Mm-hmm. Where where is this? It was some cable access show. Oh There's like a cable access like we're like a call-in and they're just talking about relationships, you know Well, I feel I understand what she's saying cuz sometimes when we're Passionately making love. Mm-hmm. I often feel like punching you in your face, too Dick I'll make you slap somebody in the face in the face Yeah, you do what you want cuz it's so euphoric No, just angry

Maybe it you maybe you're trying to put your finger somewhere. It doesn't belong. Mm-hmm Well, I don't have any problem with that. That's so great. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I'll make you crazy So people have asked me here's I wasn't even planning on playing that I was gonna play something else But it was just too great. I had to play that too. It's really good. So people You know, there's um, there's clips that like audio things that really Tickle you like that one. Yeah, that one and other ones that I've obviously become part of this show. I found one last week that I've been looking for for years

Yeah, it's one that I knew about that existed, but I couldn't find it and it was right there There's a few of those the golden oldies when yeah in 2003 There's a few that I hunger to hear again and see again. There's one in particular I'm gonna put a call to you guys out there if someone knows of this clip It was called sack lunch at the time. Oh, yeah sack. Remember sack lunch and my friend Sarah and Sean and I would pass this around And it was a guy who was wearing cellophane undies and it was a very simple clip It would zoom in on him on his butt cheeks and then he would Spread the cheeks a little and then shit into the the saran wrap panties

How great is that in the sound and it was the funniest thing I've ever seen and I haven't seen it since I can't find it If you guys can find sack lunch, please, please send it to us. I'm dying to see that again guys. It would make her day Gotta do it. You gotta do it. So what did you find jeans? Well, and then I can get into more after this I'm gonna play some clips for you and then tell you why this makes me so happy. Okay The dick makes you crazy. Here we go. I Want everybody on this motherfucker state to take your fucking boots and your sneakers all right now take your shit You can tell it already I've heard a thousand times already and it still makes me happy so this is

from Scared straight MTV aired and it's here's the confusion people now associate the A&E program or The original scared straight that aired on network television or when I saw follow up to that one This is neither of those. Okay, but it shares the same title and that's where the confusion lies. There was an original one That was hosted by the was the detective with the wonky eye I remember watching scared straight in high school or something. Yeah. Yeah, and there was another one

This is not that one either. This is a special edition that aired only on MTV Okay, recently I saw no in 1999. Okay, so I saw it in 99 And I was like this is the best shit I've ever seen in my life, right? And it stuck with you and I've tried especially when we got into this show High school kids, right So that is they're at a prison in New Jersey and this is how scared straight every episode should be now It's like it's kind of fake scary like they're like you really need to get your life together. These guys were on a whole

Different a whole different like they actually raped those kids. They really scared them, which is the point I'm gonna lose your motherfucking face This was on MTV uncensored they aired it this way, that's why I saw it I saw this show and I was like in my fucking yeah, I could not control like I'm never going to prison Not only that but I was also laughing as hard as you could possibly laugh never stealing again This is the kind of shit that really this effect. You know, everyone's like, why do you always like black screaming so much? Yeah, I did some looking into myself. Okay, okay introspection. I did some introspection I'm gonna get through some of these clips and I'm gonna get to you. Okay. Why this affects me

I'd love to I'd love to know because for me black people screaming means one thing that I'm about to get my ass kicked Because that's what happened to me in a in public school junior high when I was Fuck y'all gonna survive in the prison white boy with a motherfucking population 85% look like me motherfuckers Y'all got attitude You get crushed man. Keep fucking up out there on the street and you come in the prison, bro You come you come for a long motherfucking time I mean, it's terrifying so good, right?

It's and then but this is also shows you that these the scared straight shit they show now is bullshit compared This is the one. This is the real deal. Yeah, this is how you take a kid who's fucking up Yes, and set him straight. This is how you scare remember Chris rocks the salad tossing guy Yeah, yeah, you show a fucking 12 year old punk ass boy salad tossing guy. He'll never fuck up again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah This is real. I agree. Why are they showing kids like if you get to jail? They're gonna make you wear orange. That's how how the shit is now And when you run into a motherfucker like me I Called him a fag. Yeah, though this that's not even the beginning. That's not even the worst part

I guess it gets way crazier than that. That's the beginning. Let's check out this dude right here I think this is Calvin. He these guys are all murderers down this one, too For your side about motherfucking body Fuck So scary that guy right there was he stole the show For me I really But they're like on death row right like is this are these deaths are lifers. No lifers, okay?

So these people got nothing to lose their their main from entertainment is yelling at 15 year old kids Yeah, and they have a bunch of kids and they're like, um scared white. Why don't you just tell these? Kids how bad it sucks here in prison to like yeah, all right See this is dumb mother fucker Okay I'm almost at the point where I can tell you why this affects me, but I have a few more clips. I gotta get Okay, well actually, I know what I can just tell you right now So I have some more to play but I think why this shit makes me laugh so hard

Yeah, is it goes back to why everything as a kid? That that affects you in some way affects you as an adult in other words, you know You like a smell as a kid that that smell affects you as an adult, right? You like a certain type of person as a kid. You like that person as adult it goes everything. Yes, you know It goes food it goes sex it goes everything that affects you as a child. That's your prototype for the future Yeah, and so I think my first I know that my first exposure to Really laughing my ass off as a kid was watching and listening to black

stand-up comedy of course and there is a cadence and a way of speaking in like black Like, you know, we call it black. I mean now everything's you know mixed together But like like distinctively black stand-up that I would fucking cry as a kid watch it because it was like it was new It's different to me. It's so different than how you talk and like, you know Like I remember watching Robin Harris as a kid and he Robin Harris died a number of years ago But he was so fucking funny and he had just a way of talking That was like that you can find the association between that how that makes me laugh And how these prisoners talk and have like the sports guys that I was so here's like Robin Harris just to give you like a

Big man like that put the spotlight on it Small up to inchy You know big fuck you you know that Well, that man's so big. You know be walking the rollers I see you got away from I Drive back to the hotel. I swear a little bit the police stop, you know Pull me up to my

Yeah, what's been doing? I've been dragon. That's what you fuck up in doing How many drank you had I say 10 He says, uh, we've been drinking it sit down at the feet. He said we're gone Like that dude is so fucking funny. Yeah, and you know who he reminds me of his Bernie Mac No, it should be the other way around his Bernie to Bernie. Yeah style suck. Yeah, for sure. He sounds like this guy Yeah, I think black comedians are hands down the best the best the best always my very first Love was Eddie Murphy sure

Delirious I can still fucking recite the entire hour. It's so good and because it's so irreverent black people fucking call it like it is Yeah, especially black comedians. It's very much to the truth and to the heart of the matter Quickly, there's no fucking bullshit. You're not gonna hear black comics be like what's the difference between a cookie and a cracker It's like, no, no, dude, like let's talk about real shit. Yeah. Yeah, I love it But you can hear though that like why yes that cadence and that way of speaking Hmm. I associate it with like just funny good times. Yeah, well when that cadence is turned on you in a fight Might feel different. Well, I mean if I'm very If I'm being assaulted, I probably wouldn't like but if somebody next to me being yelled at it's all good fun

Still laughing man. The best the best insults are black chicks But some shit they just supposed to do a nigga will brag about some shit a normal man just does a nigga say some shit like I take care of my kids Can't go they fucked up we could be fucked up that's ignorant All right, people on the L because the first of all they try to make it look like, you know They ain't even that many black people in the country. Okay black people are 10% of the fucking population black people in New York, BC LH cargo like Black people in Minnesota, all you find the only black people in Minnesota is Prince and Kirby Puckett

Shit the whole rest of the country the other 40 states is filled up with broke ass white people Broke ass living in a trailer home eating man a sandwiches fucking a sister That shit's so fucking funny man, we'll get honey boo boo fucking white people do way or shit Now you tell me that you know That's funny obviously, and then you try to tell me how how is this not funny? Don't tell me You coming this motherfucker around a bunch of miserable motherfuckers It'll be your big stinkin ass too. Don't get it fucked up

Yeah Yeah I like he's telling these kids that you're about to get butt fucked Oh, yeah Now what he did the best moment and this is the moment that stood out to me in my mind It's actually the moment that I remembered the most the one that I kept playing in my head For the last what 12 13 years right that I couldn't find this clip is

He's given the tour and he tells one of them he pulls one of them aside and then this goes back to like In stand-up, you know, it's so important like cadence like you're talking about robin harris And uh and bernie mac had such a distinct cadence, you know And I was having them kill them kids baby kids Baby's kids. Yeah, but the way you deliver a like chris rock has such a specific delivery Yes, nobody else could deliver that the way he delivers it. This guy is He pulls a kid out of line and he's like Why are you here and the kids like stealing is like what you took and the kids like uh bikes he goes bikes

The way he repeats it is like so comedic. Yeah, and it's the scariest moment for this kid But then I'll tell you the moment after that that I distinctly remember, but this is that exchange That's so funny I could listen to that a thousand times I Need to tell your dad you love You ain't gotta be no sissy to tell your father that I love you And you lucky

Love his little You know, I think that cadence comes from now that I think about it Is the church like preachers like some of the best comedians have a preaching background Like kinesin sam kinesin was a preacher I want to say richard pryor doesn't he come from a preaching? I don't think so somebody Gosh, but you're right a lot of these guys come and that cadence reminds me of yeah like church That's true. So funny. It is. So here's the moment though bikes bikes What you took bikes bikes and they can't always mumble too. Yeah. Oh these kids are dead quiet the whole time

Ah They're so scared. Do you think they're terrified terrified? So Here's the point that I remember the that of this the most was there was a moment the kid who took the bikes bikes has this crazy like bowl Cut and then the hair on top is longer and they're like you look pretty and shit So he tells them He's like and this is what I remember seeing like even after that's why I wanted to find the clip

He pulls the inside of his pocket out and he holds it out Yeah, and he tells him hold on to this like this is what would happen if you were in here And then he walks him around like you would be my bitch and you have to hold on to my He's hold on to this shit. It's so crazy and he tells him what would happen. This is the clip Oh Oh I'm not taking no more bikes Your name is Robin

Can you could you imagine this guy tell it in you're like 15 years old? Oh my god, and you've been stealing shit Oh my god, dude, you hear that, you know, you hear the way these guys speak and you know You guys know how I feel about you know Same thing same Same thing man same So I was so happy to find that clip man, I gotta tell you I watched it like a thousand times Did it bring it brought back good memories from you made me laugh made me happy, you know That kid's never gonna fuck up again

See that's that's when that stuff worked. I feel like the 90s We were a little more open to these things and now in the 2000s, you can't even say this shit to people They lose their minds. Yeah, this is an ocean. You didn't hear it My How fucking you know, that's how every spirit straight should be every single one Yeah, every single. Do you know what's great too is that people listening to this at work? Have this pipe like pumping through their speakers right now and somebody's walking by like, um, oh my god, seriously Oh my god

Hey, can I do a dental update since we're on this topic? Geez, you just threw it at me So this one was submitted to us on twitter, uh, this kind of ties in to what we're talking about this dental update jailers worry about dental floss as a weapon in white planes, new york um It says when a group of new york prisoners sued last month to demand access to dental floss Officials said they had to consider security issues As it turns out jail and jailbreak history is tightly tangled with a stringy decay fighter I love when they use words like that

Um in texas, officials believe a prisoner used floss to cut his way out of his cell Then jumped a fellow inmate and knifed him to death. Jesus In maryland, illinois, west virginia and wisconsin inmates collected enough floss to braid it into ropes and escape or try to over prison walls A group of escape prisoners on the run in texas used floss to sew up their gunshot wounds Wow And a man in illinois jail used floss to stitch together the dummy he left in his bed when he took off Experts say floss or the plastic holder it sometimes comes in has been used to

Strangle enemies to escape to saw through bars to pick handcuffs to make a hand grip on a shank And a hoist contraband from one level of cells to another. Wow, man Here's a quote from steve caser whose company sells a floss product Advertises prison safe. He says these inmates can make a weapon out of a chewing gum wrapper Floss is right up there on the danger list So there you have it you guys have it right there, man that floss isn't just for cleaning your teethies, you know You can shank a bitch Yeah, you can escape from prison if you're using that dental floss correctly

Now, you know, man, I do believe it. They're so, um, what's it called crafty? Yeah, they're crafty guys, man And Wow, that's a that's a dental update. I wasn't expecting But apricot of our of our discussion on scared straight Yeah, I remember scared straight and you remember that one they showed you Um, the miracle of life in sex ed Yeah And uh, my favorite part is at the end when um, the woman delivers a baby

It's this young couple and the guy is covered in tattoos and you see this like fucking gnarly tatted arm Dude, my baby's bored. Like it's a total trash moment. You guys had to wrap up the uh, documentary this way, huh? Fucking white trash dad pulling his kid out. Um speaking of pregnancies and busting loads and babies What? Oh, yeah, this one. Sure. Well, there you go guys. People know I Hate moving the the part of it that is the work, but I'm so excited to get out of here Me too, man a bit rid of this fucking place con face next door. Yeah, that's another way of saying it She's really ruined. It's amazing how your neighbors can really fuck up your living situation

Yeah, it really is fucking put a damper into things man. Yeah. Oh, you know, I was gonna talk about remember the other day You and I um, we were having dinner Yeah, and I don't know how we got on the subject, but you were like, uh, yeah One time I got in trouble with the police for issuing a death threat. Yeah, I was like, what me too Like it's one of those things that we never shared with each other And we both were like, uh, we've both been in trouble for issuing death threats before So Wait, so tell okay. Tell everybody what your death threat is and I'll tell all the mine

Okay, share your death threat and I'll share mine sounds good. I was um I was at work. Uh, I had a day job at the time And while I was on Oh man, what's wrong gene? Hold on I'm reading something on facebook. What the fuck man. What? What's going on Okay, sorry. What are you reading? I just wanted to see something. I'll tell you later. Um, so I was at work. I had a day job and

And I got a call My mom called me and she had gone shopping for Um, what's it called futons? She wanted to get a futon. I don't know why she had a futon and the guy At the store some fucking redneck Was rude to her because of her english and I was like what? She told me the story And he basically was like he told her well, I don't speak russian So when you learn english while you come back here, maybe and I was like what in the fuck man and I

I totally lost Yeah, I lost it. I lost control of myself and I was like, where is this place and she told me the place So I was I mean I was blood boiling. It's the most. That's your mama. That's your mama in the fucking stands right there, you know so I um, you know, everyone knows about your mom's like you can't let people talk to your mom like that Fuck that so I called um, I found out the place I called him

And he answered the phone and I was like, yeah, you run this place. He was like, yeah, she told me like His name or whatever and I was like, you're a fucking dead man And he was like what I was like, I'm gonna fucking kill you I was like your life is gonna end but I said it really heated and I was like And I and I went on like a rant, you know, like it was just it was like from it was natural Like I can't even duplicate it. Well, because it's so um, what's the word like primal when someone fucks with your family Yeah, exactly. They're like, I'll fucking murder you man parents or your siblings or your kids or something You know, I was like, I was like, I'm gonna fucking come in there and I'm gonna slice your fucking throat and fuck everybody

You're a dead fucking man. You stupid redneck fucking rural piece of shit. I just went crazy on him Yeah, and he was uh, he couldn't really get in the word and I hung up and it made me feel a little I mean I was pacing I didn't tell anybody else what's going on So I would say like an hour later You know, I'd calm down a little bit But then I got the feeling again, you know, like that it goes up because your mind's racing and putting it different places You just want to kill him kill kill kill. That's all I wanted to do so

they I I this time I'd called from the office and what happens when you call from the office Is it just registers as like an outgoing call? Everybody sees the same number who you call. They don't see the different numbers Right, so he just knows that it came from this office that has like, I don't know 150 employees so Then I made the mistake in my rage I called him from my cell phone. That's the fatal flaw. All right. Every crime has a fatal flaw

But I wasn't thinking you know, I wasn't really thinking about it so I called and I just I just I gave him another death threat and then I told him I was going to kill him and kill his family and stuff Sure Then I hung up and then I get a call from the security office at this company And they're like, hey, can you come up here? And I was like, yeah, and they're like, um Did you just call this place? in florida

And tell a guy you were going to kill him And I was like, what? Of course not. No, who would do that and they're like because this guy just called here and He got a call from your cell phone Yeah And I was like, mm-hmm No, man

I didn't call him Well, oh that guy I go no what happened was this guy and I just spun it around. I tried to downplay it. I was like, of course this guy was really rude to my mother and then I was speaking to him and he was he was just yelling profanities at me So I just told him like you're out of your mind and I just you know, I kind of just yelled back at him But it wasn't anything like that But I just made it seem like it was not a big deal

And they're like, okay. Just like don't call that guy anymore. And I was like, yeah. No, he's just crazy guy And then I got left there and I was like, holy shit and then Then I call my dad Top dog And I tell him what's going on and I was like, yeah, they just pulled me in because I threatened to kill the guy And he was like, it's all right, buddy See that's the difference between you your family and my family is that when something bad happens to you with the law or something like Yeah, you you tell your parents me. I hide everything. Oh, well, you know

Because it involved my mom and I was like, I was like, I think I you know, I could lose my job today because He was like, all right, buddy Yeah, then he called the sheriff's department in florida where he was And had them call the sheriff's department where I was working in the area in la and then they came to the offices and they were like, um Somebody issued a death threat and I was like, that's crazy. I didn't do anything like that And I was like, oh, they're definitely gonna fire me now But then I realized that like I would have to like confess basically like

Yeah, you just deny it. I was like, you know I was like, huh? Well, there's no evidence That's the best part about a death threat. If it's just over the phone. It's not recorded They can't get you. That's right Yeah, that's the secret That's true. You can't do it on twitter and shit. They can track that. That's true. You can't do it on the internet, son So, yeah, I was um, I thought I was gonna lose my job. I told my mom and she was like, that's sweet of you

Sweet that I call the guy and threaten to kill him. I would like to kill that guy still Let's find him. You want to I know where what where he is. Yeah How long that was a long time ago. Yeah, it was a while ago. He's probably still in the same place. I'm sure he is an asshole Yeah, yeah, let's go get him That's what That's what I love doing. Do you know that my mom, uh, and my stepfather Who's a who is a criminal? I used to hear them at the dinner table and they would do this exact thing We're doing but seriously. Yeah, like my mom and my stepdad will be like, uh, fucking this asshole. Fuck me over

Let's go get them And then they would plan on how they're gonna get somebody. It was really amazing like my stepdad would slash people's tires Yeah, didn't he threaten someone in a parking lot too? Yeah, I got into a fight in a parking lot because uh, somebody's toddler Was being loud and crying and my stepdad was like, why don't you tell that kid to shut the fuck up? And then the parent was like, I'm sorry. What did you just say to my kid? And then they took it outside in the parking lot and like through blows Over that in a parking spot one time. I think he fought a guy over a parking spot He sounds like a real fucking loose camera

Can I tell you something? He yeah professionally not such a good person. I think but Personally to me. Yeah, great stepdad. I probably really looked after his kids and you know, he really he was Really good to us. Yeah, I mean we used to he would go slash tires and we would stop for pistachio ice cream on the way After slashing tires before that's a little psychotic. Yeah, I know. Okay, so um So that was your death threat story. So my death threat story. I was living in san francisco Still makes me mad to think about by the way. Yeah, the guy makes me mad to think about I know boo boo You can't talk to my mama like that man. You can't I know that's my mama man

Well, you know, we'll do for christmas. What when we're back in florida Let's track this fucking asshole down and let's slash his tires. Yeah I love you mama So I was living in college living in college living in san francisco With my friends shawna and brahwin. We were all living together and brahwin was dating this guy I probably shouldn't say I won't say anything. Uh, this guy he was kind of a shit bag kind of a criminal too And uh, his ex-girlfriend was threatening one of my friends Was threatening brahwin. Oh, yeah, okay

And so, uh, I think she was like bitch. I'm gonna get you and at the time I thought I was a bit of a gangster too. I was like, fuck that bitch. Let's tell her who's gonna get what like I was fighting with people then Like I had just spit on a girl that year Like I think I was I was in a rageful place. And so, um, yeah, they were she was threatening my friend So I was like, well, let's call her and tell her what the fuck is up. Yeah, so I'm so stupid I call from our house phone. Yeah number one problem And I call this girl a stranger I've never even met before and I'm just so fired up that she's threatening my friend That I was like, bitch, if you come here, I'll fucking kill you too. I'll come to your house and I'll fucking kill you

Like I got crazy on her. You lost your shit lost my shit because she was threatening my friend. Yeah Next thing you know Knock knock knock at the door. It's the fucking police. San Francisco PD And my friends are smart enough to be like, oh, yeah, christine is not here And the cop is like, well, tell her she needs to come down to the station tomorrow because issuing death threats is illegal So make sure she comes And I you know, I could hear it because I was fucking hiding from police And uh, and of course I was like, yeah, get fucked. I'm not going to fucking police station tomorrow. No way

It's not gonna have there's major crimes happening in the city of san francisco right now It's not gonna happen. So I never went but I never issued a death threat after that because it did scare the shit out of me That's a california law, by the way. Oh, it's just not a federal law. Yeah, it's a state law I mean different states might have it as well, but the um, wait, that was over seven years ago So I think the statute of limitations. Well, I mean, this is an entertainment show. Oh, yeah, this could be purely fictional We make things up on this show all the time. That's true. Not only stories are true guys two made up stories That are for laughs only. They're just silly fun stories. Yeah, I'm gonna kill you. You know, it's funny. I'll kill you too The scared straight thing

Yeah, so now you know that you don't fuck with your moms Can you believe how crazy that is to issue death threats to people you and I've done that Yeah, you don't do that here. I feel like a lot. Maybe a lot of people have done that Maybe not. Maybe just you and me. Yeah, people have done it before for sure. Some people follow through on those No, I would never oh my god. Yeah Yeah, um, I have to pee really bad. You do cause us for a second. I do what I'm gonna do I'm gonna actually I spoke to my buddy Jeff Tate denim on denim on denim And he uh, we spoke on the phone yesterday. He has a I sometimes you have to use your powers for good

And he has a benefit show coming up. So I called him Um, just to talk about the benefit show for a few minutes. Okay. Yeah, I'll go piss while you play that Yeah, go ahead. All right. Go ahead and enjoy your piss Um, so you guys know denim on denim jeff tate um He has you know, a lot of the best denim that you can get these days But anyways, yeah, usually, you know, we we plug all kinds of different things on the show But he actually has a show in ohio that's for a good cause. So I thought hey

Let's talk about it. Uh for a couple minutes. I hope our ohio listeners will consider going and um supporting this Hold on. I was checking the time and I saw you recall and what's going on This is how drunk jeff is usually. Um Where I call him and he's like, huh? He asked me to call him to talk about his thing. He's like, what? Do you want to do that plug right now? Do I want to what? plug your your show

Oh, yeah, yeah, can we do that right now? Yeah, right now Okay Yeah, so um I'm here with the jeff tate and you have a very special benefit show Coming up tell all of those words for Yeah, for artistic children, man, there's a center in gaden ohio that tutors artistic kids in home and at the center and a lot of them go on scholarship and

Uh, they in the center like the toys don't have batteries and stuff So I'm trying to raise money like also. I don't want to do stand-up anymore So my therapist told me that I should do something that tangibly helps somebody And I'm not some of these kids and I really want like like they're great. So I was like, oh, I can help these kids I can use right like I've done this for a little while. I People owe me favors. I've done a lot of things for other people So I've I called in all my favors and I'm trying to uh raise money to help these kids That's fantastic. Look at you with your big heart man. That's fantastic. So

When is the event? The event is november 5th. It's in silverton, ohio at a place called nvp sports bar and grill. It's only 10 dollars It's a monday night, but it it has uh, josh need is on it drew hasings is on it. Dave wade is on it and i'm on it That's a great line of them. Um, what's the name of the venue again? nvp sports bar and grill in silverton. It's at the corner of mcgottemarie and plainfield road and silverton, ohio Just out of the kemwood mall. I don't know how many of your listeners are in ohio, but Uh, come on that's why this can help some kids with a strong ohio listenership. It's good. It's good there All right, so you're hearing um, jeff tate and I uh talking about this fundraiser shows for

Autistic kids. That's a great cause. I think right here we can Jump to where he says, um, where you can get the tickets on. I hope you guys can support this It seems like if you're an ohio listener, this is a pretty great cause We should we should yeah, yeah, I wish uh, also i'm drunk right now. No, I live up to my reputation. Okay That's totally fine, and I wouldn't expect anything less of you, but uh Yeah, I wanted to make sure that people knew about the event. It's for a good cause it's november 5th And we're plugging it on the show

So, uh, hopefully yeah, it's on it's on brown paper tickets If you go to if you go to tbh fundraiser job brown paper tickets.com you can buy tickets there Or you can find me and I have tickets or you can go to gobin air by the way He means literally find him in person when he says find me He's he means if you run into jeff tate in the greater cincinati area He has tickets that you can buy from him He keeps them in the front pocket of his denim shirt Put the mpp sports bar and grill in silverton, ohio, and they have tickets

So many options that gobin air does for sure has the tickets on their site No, yeah, no, they don't have them on their site. They have them in their venue So you can go to gobin air as an ask for tickets for this. So if you're in that greater cincinati area Go oh in like like they have hard tickets. They all do all these ways to go buy them online Is that brown paper tickets? I couldn't figure out how to do it any other way If you can make it harder for people jeff Make sure nobody can go to your benefit We'll be sure to

Make sure people understand that and look Anyways, so that's my buddy jeff. He's a great guy great comic. That's that's a great lineup dave wait drew hastings josh need and jeff tate all great comics and it's a great cause. I hope you guys Will in that area support that that's um, that's a good cause and this is something that You know normally We wait a week for these votes to add up

And because of our move we're having to do this just a few days after the last episode. Okay, um But the results are already just it's already a landslide like okay. Look I So I know the elections are coming up, but there's more important shit Namely this this is who won filler up sealer shut. Yes, and number two you guys Keep voting for us. Please on stitcher the stitcher awards. You know how the standings currently stand. How are we? We're six What out of six? How do you know that because they post they have a current standings thing. That's depressing Well, it's not depressing. All it all it says is this look if you

Love her and you want to be with her look all we're the underdog. I realize that We're rocky, right? So yeah, man Here's the thing no one's expecting us to crack that top five even and the only way that we get this is all on you guys This is actually it really is. I know it's all about the listeners. That's how we got here It's how we got here We can we're never we don't have the listenership that chris hardwick and nerdy's um spodcast corolla rogan

Or maron half. There's no way but You guys if you want to support her and make her number one You can vote once a day for your mom's house. Oh, and can I tell you guys anything link? Is at your mom's house podcast. Yeah, there's a banner there on the website um Here's something so stupid because I went to vote for us yesterday And then I fucking scrolled all the way down and realized you have to click submit

Oh, yeah, so it's not enough just to click on our picture because i'm so stupid I was like, oh fuck boated like you have to scroll all the way down and then hit submit Just so you guys know because I made the mistake your mommies aren't always right about things Yeah, and mommy doesn't always know everything so but it would be cool To uh, just to crack that top I think so too. Yeah, I mean we can't compete. We can't compete listener-wise with what those guys are monsters But if all of our mommies get into the same pair of jeans And vote and take it amongst yourselves. Hey get your friends to vote

Wouldn't it be great if we uh, we showed them up? Yeah, I think I mean it's it's a stick it to the man underdog Story if we would win and I would love that. You know how I love to stick it to the man You guys love it. You love it. It's my fucking favorite thing to do. Well back to this. Okay, so the results Well, that is what i'm saying is that normally by the time this airs the results will be different. Okay, but People already jumped on board. It's it's a hot topic. Yeah filling this up and fill it and fill this shit We gave you two options. We there's two categories. It was all canadians um, it was the first one we gave was uh Elisha kuthbert right right sweet sweet lisha kuthbert or sweet sweet

carianne moss from the matrix And uh, yeah, you guys voted pretty decisively alisha 100 votes as of right now Carianne moss 10 come on you guys 110 come on you guys. What's wrong with carianne moss? She's gorgeous My my mommy's support me now alisha. Is she blonde? Yeah, that's why It's hard to blend against the brunette man. It's not hard. It's just who wants what where do you want to put your load? I think do you know why I think people don't like carianne moss as much her hair is short

In the matrix alisha's hair is short. The short is carianne moss is like maybe right this second She's had it really short before boy short. She's had it that short Yeah, she's had it very short before. Well, I'm you know what guys I'm floored Frankly, I'm I'm floored. I thank you guys for For showing your love where it should go. Um, and then in our next category dead canadian men Uh, we had cori hame or john candy Decisive votes again. John candy is up 62 to 11 Over cori hame. Wait a minute unanimous. It's pretty unanimous that very unanimous

John candy is the one you would rather have fill you up and steal you should I guess He's gonna he's gonna entertain. He's loving. He's gonna give you some good. I guess at the end of the day Everybody wants to be with a funny person. Yeah, nobody wants the drag that was cori hame. Yeah talking about Yeah, his career and the heroine that he's done Yeah, john candy's nothing but good times that guy likes to eat and laugh and that's why he's dead That's who you want as a lover. You know, that is what you want. Yeah, um, so we're gonna get out here pretty soon Um, all right a listener submitted this to us. Okay, and he really wanted us to see this shit. I'm telling you because uh he

He fucking posted this on facebook tweeted it to me put on youtube emailed it like he really wanted to get this point across so Okay, uh, I'll let you give this a listen if you would See what you think of this Hello, mommies uh, I have a theory, you know, it's just a theory but uh I think that uh, kasey's taking a lot of heat for uh, you know Supposedly knowing where the dudes are at. I think uh, tommy buns might be placing the blame on kasey and uh Tommy in fact knows where the dudes are at. What?

You know, it's just a theory. I'm not sure but uh You know, I love you guys love the show and uh, you know, I always wipe down and well Your mom's in the fucking stands man You believe the ball's in this kid. I don't understand I'm not I mean, what's the argument here though. He's saying that I'm I'm making kasey out to be the guy that knows Where the dudes are at and that I actually know where the dudes are at I don't I don't you know what I spent two weeks in law school

Yeah, you know, you need a little thing called evidence. Where's the Where's the evidence been? Uh, well, that's brilliant. I mean, I like that his his tenacity. Well, I'm sure kasey will enjoy this very much I'm sure I'm gonna have to send him some uh an email and uh, or send him this episode and he won't listen to the show unless I I prompt him to but kid Thor his name is Thor Um, you're wrong man. I don't know where the dudes are at kasey knows Yeah, and I don't appreciate The implication that I'm the one that knows and that I'm hiding it from you guys You know what kasey would really appreciate what a resurgence of where the dudes are at

Yeah, maybe some more starting this up again with him and maybe some more where the dudes at We're ruining his family and his life songs and everything like that. Do you think you'd like that? Yeah, I think that would be Where the dudes at That was the best monkey Todd's Original TMZ phone call. That's on youtube if you guys To Can't get enough of that stuff man. Yeah, go ahead. What do you have there jeans? So, uh, this is submitted by my bff on the entire planet. Shawnee. Uh-huh in New York City

Uh, so shana and I've been obsessed with these uh, ridiculous facebook status updates as are you and I and everybody It's ridiculous people who share too much On facebook and she sent me these gems Yesterday this one's like my favorite one. Are you ready Tommy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, please. So this is a friend of hers Oh boy, this is so it's like embarrassing when you read people's Okay, my sweet and most courageous lord I love that you save me when I'm a damsel in distress. I love that you fight my battles I love how you are always there to romance me back into your arms

My sweet king of kings you have my heart holy as one Did I sense a little sexual over tone? Yeah, of course lord Romance me into your arms and then and then someone comments. Oh my gosh. That's so precious. I love you. I love Jesus Isn't he wonderful Jesus That's about god, babe. Yeah, but that's not like There was no jesus tone to that. That's no way. That's what she's talking about lord I know but i'm saying that like that doesn't feel like it's for the lord, you know But that's so private like don't you think you shouldn't be sharing that on facebook? Of course not

Sharing your religious feelings on yeah, I mean we're not shitting on people to believe in jesus. No, of course not Just the uh sharing it. Here's another one. This one's so cray cray Wow Just woke up from an intense dream about joe And joe and I in a different life epic romantic novel style forbidden love sigh My heart is pounding. I just love you so much joe PS you were the butler's son and I was the daughter of a white collar The white collar. I don't know what that is. We were just teenagers

Isn't that the like what if she's married this woman and she's like i'm sharing this I had a fucking wet dream about you Yeah, you can't you can't tell people that man. You don't want to tell no no No, i'm certainly not to broadcast it on the internet. I think people do that because in their fantasy The person that they put it out to is gonna Is going to embrace it. Oh be like the fantasy is that you put something like that out there and the other person goes That's so great. Thank you. Yeah, thank you for sharing that actually why don't you come over today and Let me let's let's play the butler's son

Let's let's finally hook up, you know, we've been wanting to hook up all this time And I know that you know, you're You're the one for me I want to just be with you and we let's sleep together and it'll be amazing and then Dick i'll make you slap somebody in the face Um, I got one here They submitted that one of their friends from high school After months of constantly changing their status from interrelationship to it's complicated to its single and back and forth and back and forth

Finally posted to her 200 plus friends that after years of denying it Her youngest daughter was not hers and her fiance's His best friend and she was tired of letting a lie and wanted to let everybody know And then people, you know, some people like that were closer to her were like posting underneath it like Oh, you're so brave You know, you're not you're crazy and then she and the boyfriend are still together and it's like a total horrible overshare You know, yeah, you don't share that facebook Yeah

The the father of my kid is not the father of like could you not fucking post that And you guys realize that this stuff is cashed like it's it's on the internet forever and ever it doesn't just disappear Course not it's so embarrassing Yep, I know I really and I think that this generation thinks that it's okay because there's no sense of secrecy or privacy like yeah I mean, would you share this would you would you stand in a room full of people and yell that like no So why would you write that on the internet? It just blows my mind Uh-huh. I know I know man. What the fuck man?

I gotta twist my eyebrows. Um, you're growing out of control right now, babe. Yeah, can you see him? Did you trim your nose hair last night? Yeah, right away. Good. I need you to look out for me and tell me what it needs to be trimmed You know, that's my job boobs. All right. Um, we gotta wrap this up. We thank you for your Your listenership your emails. You can always email us your mom's podcast at gmail.com Please check out the site your mom's house podcast at gmail.com And we have to tell you to check out our friends At all things comedy.com. We didn't do that. Did we I don't think we know what the announcements are. Do we know it's for the next week We gotta tack it on at the top. All right, we'll tack it on. You know what we'll do. We'll just tack it on

Oh, uh before we go to Quick apology, uh to the city of fresno Oh, what's going on fresno? I received an email from a young man who said he was a listener and uh And he was really upset and sad and that I kind of shit on fresno and I I can't remember the context I think I was just rattling off a city and and And the word fresno sounded funny in my head and I I just want to apologize I don't mean anything if I happen to shit on your city I'm just an arrogant la person. Okay. I grew up in the valley in la and I think that I'm better than everybody because of it

Yeah, um, no, no, I'm just a dope and uh, I mean no disrespect to anybody Yeah, well, I think people realize is that when you travel a lot A lot of times you shit on places not because you really hate the place Yeah, it's because your time there wasn't good. You had a bad experience You know what the hotels suck right to show suck the restaurant sucks So then you go fuck that place or it's just not my living room anywhere. That's not my living room I don't like period with you, man. Yeah, not my house if it's not your mom's house. It ain't a house Yeah, I hear you man. Well, so I'm sorry kiddo. I sent you an email. I didn't hear back from you

So I hope you hear this. We love you guys. Love you. Mommy's. We thank you for your listenership And next time we record we're gonna be in the new jam in the new mommy dome. It's really exciting I gotta get rid of these allergies me. I know boo boo. I'm sorry. Thank you guys. Love you, mommy Don't text my old driver and don't rescue I'm everyone Everyone's a boy They're shaking hands they're shaking in their shoes. Oh, don't shake me down Everyone wants to know them and happy everyone else

Was around It's been a three the whole world thinks oh no one's taking showers anymore Left heart is a long way to the bank I can't be blamed for nothing anymore Oh It's been a long time since you've been around Left heart is a long ways to the bank Oh

Tell the light to test the time you know That she don't know I can't be a fool for everyone That I don't know You