Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Episode 97-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

F**K HALF the Crab Feast! The Mommy Dome happily welcomes fellow podcaster and comedian, well-dressed man, Jay Larson AKA Bunt Cake. Larson is a guy that makes you feel good cause he's a man of the people. We talk about Kai The Hitchhiker and the crazy audio he provided that is sweeping the web Smash, SmaSH, SMASH! Plus clubs that we love to work, nicknames for our beloved, how gross boogies are, and sports stories that Tina wants to kill us for (she just doesn't understand). It's a fun time with a great guy. Pick your jeans up off the ground!

And that is how she does it. Ba da da da da da da da. That's how I'm having it. This is how I meow it. What's up Jeans? Where are you at? What's going on? So I'm in town quite a bit. I have, let's see, I'm going back to,

actually what is my favorite comedy club in the nation in a couple weeks, Acme in Minneapolis. I've never done that one. I'm jealous. I want to do that one. It's so awesome. I know you love it there. February 19th through 23rd. It's my absolute favorite. I recorded my first hour there, CD.

Thrilled. Thrilled. So I'll be back there. I'm in LA for a while doing shows and trying to make things happen. Trying to make show business occur. Taking meetings, meeting with people, telling them what I think of things.

Oh, getting free Fiji water. That's always a bonus. So yeah, so that's my date coming up here in a couple weeks. What about you? Where are you going to be? Mommies, I am coming to Birmingham, Alabama. I'm doing the Stardome, February 7th through 10th. That's actually this week.

Meow meow. And then February 14th through 17th, Washington DC improv. Come see me at the DC improv on Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is a big thing. Yeah. Valentine's. Come give me a hug.

And our special guest today from the Crab Feast. Five stars. Five stars. Jason Randolph Larson. This is how we do it. That's way too much. So loud. I've been waiting to do it since he did it.

Oh, boy. Jesus, man. People changes. That's legit. That is super legit. I have some dates. Yeah. Where can people see you?

This weekend, 7th through 9th, I'll be at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase. That place is the shit. That's what you said. I'm stoked for it. By the way, ACME was one of my favorite clubs I've ever done it in my life. Really? And DC improv is another one of my favorites of all time.

I'm excited. Oh, God. That club is the best. So excited. And then I'll be at South by Southwest Music Festival doing comedy. Yes. The 10th and the 11th of March. And then way out April 4th through 6th at Madison at Comedy on State.

Oh, that's fun. Another fucking gem. That's a good one. Yeah. There's a lot of good clubs we've been talking about. I like it. Yeah. Don't you want to just be able to do the good ones and really just like, don't you want

to be able to say, absolutely no, I'm not going to Erie. I don't know though. Erie's pretty awesome. And I'm not doing that shit club. I'm only going to do fucking Ann Arbor and DC. Yeah. It'll happen one day. It'll happen.

It will, you guys. Let's have faith. Let's hope that this podcast makes it happen. This very episode. This hour can change your career. Mommy's make it happen. Me. Me.

Me. All right. We haven't even started our episode. Oh my God. I know. Wow. There's so much to cover. This is a free game.

We got to get in there. Let's do it. You guys ready to do this? Yeah. Let's do it. What happened today? Before I say anything else, I want to say no matter what you've done, you deserve respect.

Even if you make mistakes, you're lovable. And it doesn't matter. You look skills or age or size or anything, you're worthwhile. No one could ever take that away from you. Now, this stuff right here, I was in the passenger side of this fucking car and he's like, you know what? I come to realize, I'm Jesus Christ and I can do anything I fucking want to. And watch this.

Bam. And he smashed into this fucking guy right there, pinned him in between that fucking truck. And so I fucking, I hop out. I look over the guy's pin there. I mean like, freight train riders know this. Like if you get pinned between something, do not fucking move that shit or else you bleed out.

Motherfucking, I ran in, I grabbed the keys. He's fucking sitting there like nothing even happened. And like fucking like, man, if you'd started driving that car around again, man, there would have been a hell of a lot of bodies around here. Fucking I hop on out. And so I grab the bag, I threw it over by that pole right there and then fucking, buddy gets out and these two women are trying to help him. He runs up and he grabs one of them, man, like a guy that big can snap a woman's neck

like a pencil stick. So I fucking ran up behind him with a hatchet, smash, smash, smash. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura, talk to him soon.

Christina Pajitzi, Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Have you seen that? No, but he sounds like every guy grew up within the valley. Yeah. Fucking bro. Is he from Southern California? You might not have grown up with this one.

Okay. Where is he from? There's many hatchets in Southern California. Well, this was this is a California for sure. He's not from California. Okay. Flip has gone somewhat viral, I think. That's a hitchhiker.

Wow. And that was the raw interview footage from a news guest. Like they didn't air that obviously. I was all fucking what? What happened was that guy really did do what he was saying. Wow. Out of context, it sounds crazy. You're like, what the fuck?

He's a hitchhiker, total fucking stoner, street kid. He was hitchhiking and the guy that picked, the guy that let him get in his car. Was crazy and was like, I'm Jesus Christ and he hit a like a construction worker with his car and was purpose. Yeah. Smashed into him. Jesus. Pinned him against another vehicle and then he started like trying to attack other people

and this guy really took a hatchet and fucking smashed him on the head. Wow. It's pretty crazy. This is like the real, the real story. Let's see. An absolute bizarre scene here in West Fresno at the corner of McKinley and Marshall. West Fresno. Plainly as Jesus plows his car into a PG&E worker, pinning him against his truck because

the worker was black. The man's passenger who had a hatchet and innocent bystanders come to the rescue. Bystanders? He's like, you know what? I come to realize, I'm Jesus Christ and I can do anything I fucking want to. And watch this. Bam. And he smashed into this guy right there, pinned him in between that fucking truck.

This hitchhiker Kai was in the passenger seat of the Oldsmobile when this all went down. Tanya Baker and her daughter, Ginger Miller-Paraza were two of the first to run over in hell. My mom ran to the driver to make sure he was okay because we thought maybe it was just an accident or something. And I ran straight to the PG&E man. Good news. This was far from the accident and the ordeal was far from over. The guy just went crazy and was trying to pull the guy from underneath the car in the

truck and then he gets in his car and tries to move the car in that. And we weren't going to let him do it. If you started driving that car around again, man, there would have been a hell lot of bodies around here. He just kept saying he was Jesus Christ and he's going to save all of us and that, but we have to get, he used the N word, meaning the black people and that, he said we need to get them off there. Oh, not the other one.

The African American PG&E worker was rushed to the hospital and underwent surgery for non-life-threatening injuries and he wasn't the only person that the crazy driver went after. He got me in a bear hug and started beating the crap out of me for one reason we still don't know. These two women are trying to help him. He runs up and he grabs one of them, man. Like a guy that big can snap a woman's neck like a pencil stick.

So I got up behind with a hatchet, smash, smash, smash. Wow. So that, now you hear how Kai really is, but apparently he is a sensation on the web now. I can see why. People are digging Kai. Smash, smash. Smash. And they ask him like, what's next for you at the end of his interview?

He's like, bro, it's just like, I want to hit some waves. Can anyone give me a lift to Santa Cruz? Anyone? That is exactly what he's looking for. It's exactly his whole life. It's been too long since Jay Larson has been with us. I know. You were here since the beginning.

You were here in the very, very beginning. Yeah. That was two play, two studios ago. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. Yeah. There was no sound effects back then. No.

It was Burbank, man. Straight up. Straight up. That's Burbank. Smash. Smash. Smash. I was all whoa.

Bro. I love them. But God, we love Jay Larson. We've known you since you were 12 years old. Oh my God. Not even that big. Not even that big. That was the doll inside the doll inside the doll.

Inside the doll. And now you're back. That's silly. Thanks for coming down. I'm glad to be here. You've been a road dog in it. I've been road dogging it. How are you liking the road dog?

I like it. You do? I like it. You know what I mean? I try to get worked on during the day. You know what I like the most is just kicking it with the staff. Yeah. I just settle into a town.

I live there. You know what I mean? With the staff in Denver, I'm just like, are we smoking? What's happening? Then we just go in the parking lot. I'm just hanging out with these guys. And just hear them all talking about their shift. And I just start jabbing.

I'm like, shout out. And I know these guys. You are that guy though. You're Mr. Personable. I love it. Yeah. I love it. You should run a diner.

I'd love to have a diner. Yeah. That'd be nice. You were saying you just did St. Louis? Just did St. Louis. Was it awesome? You said it was great. It was amazing.

If anyone out there in St. Louis, go to the funny bone. It's fantastic. The club looks like it's 1984 inside, like they haven't changed a thing. Everyone still smokes in there. They got two shows you can't smoke. And they got this cocktail waitress, Patty, who literally will go out, take orders, come back into like the bar ready and light a cigarette and put her orders in while she's smoking. And like I had heard some stories about her and like I'm standing there waiting like well

like the features on and she's in there and she goes, she goes, I put it in the order. I also need a bud select, but I don't know where the fuck it goes. And I was like, oh my God, this chick is hilarious. And they told me this great story. They were like one time Jeff Dunham was here and he was like, I guess he's from the area or he had a friend from the area and he was expecting a group of friends to come. And so he's on stage and he like, he blocks the light and he's looking out to the crowd. And he's like, I don't know where my friends are.

And then Patty goes, check the suitcase. Oh, that's great. Getting heckled by the cocktail waitress. That's amazing. She's been there longer than anybody. She calls the shots. Awesome. Epic.

Where I was this past week, they were like, all right, Friday night servers, a little different Saturday night servers. And I was like, what was that? And they're like, Friday nights have been here for a while. So just kind of stay out of the hallway when they're walking through. Yeah. Like, all right. And they do not, they're like, they don't really socialize like with you guys.

And they were like fucking, they were like a dock workers, you know, clock in clock out like fucking coming through with a tray asshole. And you're like, all right, you fucking move out of the way. That was them. And then Patrick Patty, I guess, said to a comedian one week, he was like talking to her about, he was like, listen, you got to keep it down because everyone can hear you blah, blah, blah. Like, and he was just telling her and she goes, she goes, you really think everyone's

here to see you? Don't you? That's what she said to him. Hilarious. And he just started dying laughing. Like, oh my God, this chicks. That's amazing. Yeah.

I like that. Amazing. Kind of. It was a good time. Yeah. What? Nothing. I was looking at you.

Like maybe you were gonna. Were you on the road last week? Yeah, I was at comics. I'm sorry, comics, comedy club and bar. You're contractual. I'm contractual obligated to refer to it as a comics, like Foxwood's comedy club and bar. It was great.

Shows are good. I met so many fans and like, not just fans, like the core super fan group all showed up. We have a hardcore East Coast contingent. Were they all together? Like, did they like see that each of those companies stuff like that? I think so. I think some of them did. So I had like the heavy hitters.

We had Pamela Mooney at Llewellyn. That's her name. Yo, P. Mooney. P. Mooney. Mish the dish. I got to meet her and her husband. That's big time. I love this.

The dish. This shit is big time. She's so funny and it's funny to see these people that you know. Yeah. Who am I forgetting? Oh, Death Squad, Connecticut. Yeah. And Jeff Marsilinas.

Yeah. Big time. That's a quadrifecta. Yeah. If you refer to it as of like mommy left. That's awesome. That ain't making me look bad. You make me look like I don't know the names of the people that saw me in Detroit.

Here's the truth. I don't. But these are the die hard. This is no. There was there was some. Yeah. You're right. There were some die hards in Detroit.

And I should say LaVonia is outside of the D, but it's a it's a little different demo. If you know what I'm saying. I don't know. What do you mean? It's just different. No. Jay, do you know it?

What the demographic is outside of Detroit in LaVonia. I imagine it's different. Yeah. Like here. I'll tell you. It is. And this is not not a joke. This is a real statistic.

LaVonia, which is outside of the D is 96 percent white. What? Actually, 3 percent Indian, actually, no, Detroit's like the biggest Iraqi population in the United States. No. Is it? Yeah. But they're what are the Cal Cal Cal D's or what is it called?

Oh yeah. I don't know. They're Catholic Iraqis. You know, I didn't know they're worse really. Yeah. That's how stupid I am. I'm no fucking idea. It's like a population in the greater Detroit in the deer.

Yeah. Yeah. OK. Huge huge but of all those everything's of all those rainbow colors. A bunch of your mom's house fans came out and it was awesome. Yeah. That is awesome. Like when I go out and we have craffie's fans come out, you know, like they'll always

say fuck the craffie. So they introduce me and they go fuck the craffie. And then the rest of crowds like oh my God, they get all nervous and stuff like that. That's better than people are going bikes like that. Wipe down like we have girls like wipe down mommy. Oh my God. So awesome. I love it.

That's way awesome. It is. Yeah. It makes my top dog. I love that shit. I love it. It is the best man. It is.

Because you have your own like special, you know, insider follower. Yeah. And you know, they're always like I would say 99.9 percent of times they are just the best audience. 100 percent. Yeah. I do jokes. I'll be doing jokes and I know where they are because they're the ones that yell out.

So I'll do jokes and then I'll double back and do a joke and I'll point to them because they know it's an inside joke from the podcast. That's the best. And I look at what the other night I did one to one dude in the back, you know, only craffie's fan there and I go that's a joke just for me and him, everybody. And you know what I mean? Like you guys don't know it. You don't want to know about it.

Fine. I like incorporate where the dudes at. I'll be like this guy knows the dudes are at and people like you can hear them snickering fans. It's so much fun. Do you you bring like shirts and stuff on the road? Yeah, well we I bring shirts and CDs, but we were out of shirts the last my last two times out, but so I'll be bringing me and sold out.

Whatever. How many shirts do you guys have? No worries. Do you hate traveling with shirts? So I do. I mean, I've only had to do it the one time to Atlanta. You know what I mean? I went out there to Atlanta to that new improv.

So how was that? Yeah, it wasn't bad. It wasn't bad. They're getting their feet off the ground. Yeah. It was the week after New Year's. So it was like no, but yeah, but yeah, whatever. I don't mind.

I might just ship them. Just send them out, you know, in advance. So it's only like, you know, it's not as expensive. It costs more money to check a bag. And what's your CD called? Self-diagnosed. Self-diagnosed. People can get it on your site or no.

Yeah. On iTunes. iTunes. Yeah. Get Jay Larson CD. Self-diagnosed. It's for sale. Jay, it sounds like you don't have status on an airline.

I mean, I don't travel as much as you guys, you know, I've only been doing the road. Not as much this past year than you guys have been doing like crazy forever. Well, not forever. Not forever. Forever? Forever? What's your airline of choice? Delta.

What's your current status though? It's, I'm almost, I mean, what are you guys? No, no, no. Let's start with you. Let's start with you. I don't think I have status yet. What are your MQMs? Like, what are you at?

Oh boy. Guys, listen, I don't, I just get tickets, whatever fits my, my schedule. Okay. I don't, hold on, hold on, hold on, because I'm about to lose my mind. Do you fly coach? What do you guys fly? You fly business every time? At least premium economy.

At least premium. Do you want to know something crazy for real? Yeah. I'm not exaggerating. We're only in February, so it's not that crazy. But I've worked five weeks so far this year. I haven't flown coach yet this year. Boom.

Boom. Because I'm diamond. I'm a little upset about that. Well, you know what I have? You know what I am? What status I am? Healthy relationship at home. Okay, because I'm not on the road.

My wife has a better status. She travels more than I do. Yeah. Okay. So who's that? Not home. I'm building beds. Have hobbies.

Your wife is traveling the world. Oh, where's she go? New York. United States. Yeah. New York, Seattle, San Francisco. Seattle mainly, you know. Can I ask what she does?

Or is that giving away too much? You know what? No. No. Too personal. Come on here and get interrogated. Can we hear on my dress? We'll just give it out.

She's in sales. Okay. I know the company. I'll drop it. Marijuana. She works for this company. Juice. Juice.

Juice company. Juice. Juice. That's exciting. So you, you notice that I called Tommy some nicknames and you're like, how many nicknames do you guys have? Well, I've heard you. Well, you know, because I like that you dropped a couple Tommy jeans, but there was another

one I didn't even hear. It was like, it sounded like it might have been a language. I'm like, what's going on here? Is this some shit going on? It could be. I sometimes call you other language, Hungarian stuff. Since Valentine's is coming up, what kind of nicknames do you have for your boo boo? Well, her first nickname that I ever gave her was Tully, T-O-O-L-I-E, because she's

a tool. You know what I mean? So it's Tully. But it's sweet. Like, hey, Tully. And she loves it. This is important, I think. When you say you call her Tully because she's a tool, I think really the foundation of

strong, healthy relationships, particularly marriages, is you got to dish out a little shit every night. You have to. You guys didn't see this. My husband punched in the air, as he said. You know, little fucking jab. That was a jab. Yeah, whatever that is.

So you give her one of those, Tully, but then the other nicknames, you got some sweet ones in there. Yeah, of course. Of course. Her next one was Newdy. Stupid. Tully and Newdy. N-E-W-T-Y, because she looks like a Newt.

Oh. Like a reptile. You know, she looks like a little salamander Newt. Okay. Getting nicer. It's sweeter. And then when we went to Hawaii, she became the sea turtle because when she swims, she's not a strong swimmer, so it's just her head out of the water and she looks like a sea turtle

coming at you. Those are the three. Those are the three main ones. Yeah, yeah. You got a couple of privates. I respect that. Well, Tommy, I call you skids. I call you farts.

Farts. I call you farts. I go, hey, farts. Yeah. That's obviously why. How do you feel these affect your relationship calling just skids and farts? No, there's boo boo chicken pop. Oh, that's a classic.

Boo boo chicken pop, shimmy shimmy rock. Okay. That was one of the first ones. Boo boo chicken pop. That's a tight name right there. Yeah. It's so much fun. Hey, boo boo chicken pop.

She in the back. Uh, Barrett. Uh. Buns is your original. Yeah. Tommy Buns. Yeah. Tommy Buns.

Is that from you? No. Goodness, no. That's from college. Buns and taints and assholes. That's a really old one. That's the one that you heard that you were like. Well, she heard this, my, my old roommate when we first started a day, started dating

he one day. I don't know if he knew she was around, but he's like, he like leans in my door. He's like, Hey, tea nuts and buns and dicks and, and, uh, and cocks and assholes and taints. Do you got, you want to get something to eat? And then she was like, which one am I? She's like, if somebody calls you that, you gotta be pretty gross. Disgusting. Such a gross nickname.

Like you should really judge a man by the name. Oh my God. You guys are so disgusting, but he didn't use soap at the time either. Jay. What? No, but I use shampoo to wash my body on his crotch on his cock and balls. I'm going to let it slide. How are you going to let that slide is shampoo?

One time my roommate that I used to live with, he's like, he's like, fucking bro. What's up, man? Where's the soap? And I'm like, the soap's in the goddamn shower. He goes, this dish soap in there. I'm like, it's soap, bro. It's soap. It's what we're getting through with.

I've always had good skin though. You know what I mean? Like I don't need to worry. You're well maintained. Yeah, I take care of myself. You're grooming the clothes. This clothes is all, do you have like a fashion budget or something? Well, you know, it's interesting that you say that.

No, one, no. Two, I grew up with all women. You know what I mean? So I've like always kind of been into fashion and stuff like that. You know, that's why I was raised. I mean, head to toe, man. And a bold use of pink, just a hint of it under the blue top. Pink is a masculine.

It's a strong play. It can be. Yeah, as is burping. I got pink shoes, man. Welcome to the pocket. Pink shoes. I got pink shoes that I thought were light blue. No, I swear to God.

You thought of light blue. Yeah, because he's color blonde. Yeah. Are you really color blind? Yeah. So what it is, is that they're green. Are they green or brown? They're like greenish brown.

Okay. So they're greenish brown and then they have like straps that are accented. And I thought blue. Are they sneakers? Yeah. Yeah, I like those. High tops? No.

Okay. Let's do this. Light blue looks good. I went out and the first time I had them on, I was like, these are pretty fresh right here. This guy was like, hey, nice shoes. And I was like, thanks. And he was like, yeah, nice pink shoes, man.

He had it. Yeah. He had a point. And I was like pink. And he was like, yeah. And then literally five minutes later, the next person was like, it's pretty bold, pretty bold move, pal. Like some other strange.

Especially with that purple shirt, purple, green. And people just and then I put them away for like three years and then I busted them out the other day to go just to CVS, two people in CVS strong move, man, real man's move right there. Well, and also the problem comes is that our toothbrushes are either blue or green. And that's where your color blind. So you'll use mine constantly, which is disgusting because your teeth are like dog teeth. What are you doing?

Breaking stuff? Yeah, this isn't working. Look, it's falling off. Well, you got to tighten it up. I don't know how. Dudes. Well, you know, I mean, I personally, I use my wife's toothbrush. She'll never use mine.

I don't know why that is. Dudes just think like, oh, don't care. Yeah. They don't give a shit. We'll just grab anything. I'll just use your toothbrush. I'm not, I'm not afraid of it. Um, you know, it skips me out a little.

I mean, I use his on occasion, but I wouldn't. Do you think there's people that do that regularly? No. I don't care if it's mine or yours. I would say most girls don't. You're a little trashy. So that's why every once in a while, every once in a while you do. Thanks.

I appreciate that. What's going on? I don't know. What did you do? I did. I did. You know, this is unbelievable. This is so unprofessional.

Yeah, that's the thing right there. Okay. Okay. Your tone's a little abrupt. It scares me sometimes. Remember what you said about throwing jabs? God damn it. Well, yours is all stupid too.

No, it's not. It works fine. What are you doing? Throw a sweet nickname at him. What's a sweet nickname? Stupid. T Stoops. The microphone's falling apart, but how come I never did this before, Jeans?

I call him Jeans a lot. Jeansy? Yeah. Jeansy Bear. I usually call him a bear. He is such a bear. He looks like a bear. Right?

Look, this whole fucking thing. What are you doing? What did you do to this? I didn't do shit to it. This is your shitty name. What are you talking about? This is your shitty name. Tom just hit Christina.

Christina is hitting Tom. Christina is hitting Tom. They're hitting each other. Tom shirts off. If you just, does not just go like that. Do you want me to try and fix this? No. What did you do, man?

Nothing. You had to have done something. Why do I have to do something? I was just moving so I could fucking see you at the same time. That's what you did. You did this. You did this. You did this.

You did this. You did this. You did this. You did this. You did this. You sang, you know, no. Oh, no. I'm pretty handy, Tom.

Do you want me to help you out? I don't want to step on your masculinity. I know, but what did you do here? I just flipped it under. That's fine. As long as she doesn't like roll it. You look silly goose. Silly geese there.

That's perfect, Jeans. Thank you. For the rest? Sometimes I sometimes like to decide what kind of bear he looks like on certain days, because some days he's real cuddly, like a koala or a panda. And then some days he's real grizzly groucher. Like right now he's a grizzly groucher.

I don't care what kind of mood he's in. He's straight up grizz. This dude would crush a bear we can keep down. I mean, he would crush. You know why? Because he's, first of all, the average. The people know, the mommies know that Tom Segura is the Albert Poo Hulse of comedy.

You know that? I don't know if they know that. I don't know if they know that tell that story. I love well, you know, Albert Poo Hulse is a baseball player who's who's supposedly thirty one, but the guy looks like he's been he's been in the league forever. He's got to be thirty six and and Tommy Bons over here. I mean, how old does he look right now?

Jay, what would you say? I'll give him thirty six thirty six, but what are you? It's like it's younger than that. I'm thirty three thirty three god damn. It seems like a like four years ago. He's thirty one. That's what I mean. I just don't.

He's on eight. She's doing something. You're saying I'm a Dominican is what you're saying, right? Yeah, or you're drinking like deer antler of juice. Did it kill you? Did it kill you that your patch lost to them and then they won the whole thing? No, you know why?

Because, you know, Ryan Sikler, the sickle cells might be do the pockets together. I'm like, maybe this will give him happiness for a little while. You know what I mean? Is he just is he practically unhappy? No, you know, sickle cell though. He's always like, you know, he's just always a little something and I just said to Kate, I'm like, I go, I go, I just, I go.

I want them to win. I go give some sickle to happen. It's next day calls me up. Man, what the fuck is going on with this? I'm like, dude, you just won the Super Bowl, the Super Bowl, the Super Bowl, and I was at his house yesterday before like always trying to fuck you. Someone's always trying to fuck you.

I love it. Yeah, and like I looked at his like his recordings on his TV and it was just all, all like, no highlights of like the Super Bowl, NFL Network, post game, like every single thing and like 17 things. He's, he's fired up. He's really, really into his fucking Raven. Yeah.

Yeah. I did, I did the Baltimore comedy club a few weeks ago. How was that? I did it the weekend leading up to the Pats game. Okay. So the Thursday through Saturday before that game. And I mean, you only had to say, I would, first of all, half the audience was wearing jerseys.

It's a real die hard city. And when I would just go up there and just start with go Ravens and just, I mean, it was literally complete. Yeah. Bananas, pandemonium. And I just be like, yeah, I don't give a fuck. I'm totally panicked or whatever city I'm in. See in St. Louis, they were like, it was getting late later in

the thing, you know, and I was just like, I said something like, you know, like I had like a moment and I was like, so, so I go, you guys watch the Super Bowl? Who's watching the Super Bowl? And they're like, yeah, they're like 49ers and people where I go, aren't you guys just Rams fans and like people like people weren't and I go, look at you, you shitbag town, bunch of loses. You're not even Rams fans.

I go, you know what in Massachusetts you ask who it is? Everyone's a Patriots fan and they're like, fuck Brady. They were like yelling out and I'm like, I go, what do you got? They're like Cardinals. I go ever since that Roy had pool holes left town. You're this shit team ain't going to win anything. And then they'd laugh and then I'd be like, how's your basketball team?

How's your basketball team? And then they would like laugh and they're like, fuck basketball. I mean, I would laugh it off. You know what I mean? I wasn't like, I really love that town. I don't really know that town. I don't know what that town's like. Me either.

That was my first time there, but the people were just real. I just feel like the people, I love going to towns and just finding out they're like, oh, these people in this part of the country are normal. Yeah, like they don't care about the Kardashians. That doesn't make news. What is your favorite town to play? You know what I really like?

I love Ohio. I like, I like a lot of Ohio. I love Cincinnati. Like go bananas is like one of my favorite. You've been there now. That's your old school, right? That's a good. I mean, I didn't, I'd never played it before.

No, but Cincinnati. Yeah. Yeah. That's a great, great club and Ohio. Ohio in general, I think is a great comedy state. I don't know why and what is, I like the people of Ohio. That's cool. If I had to pick a favorite DC improv for me.

Yeah, I can't wait. You know what I love about the, have you done DC? No. I love, I love being in a city where if you're in a bar at five o'clock, people dump in for happy hour. Cause like there's no such thing as happy hour in LA. You know what I mean? People like living real lives are like happy hour.

Thank God the day is over. I'm like, oh man, normal people, you feel so good. Normal people, right? Hitting the real bar. How old are you? 37. What? As of Sunday.

Happy birthday. Thank you. Happy birthday. Is it like a happy birthday mommy song or anything? Not actually. We haven't done that. Get away from your computer. You punch.

Oh. Next dog. Brown dog. Brown dog coming up. That's your birthday. That's the best I could do for a birthday. Happy birthday. That's nice.

I appreciate that. That was nice. You take a good show. Slightly. I usually take pretty good ones. Do you? Yeah. Tell us.

What was your recent? You get road ass a lot. I get road ass. Does traveling really fuck up your shit? No. Let me tell you something. I don't. I might.

I never like space for rephrasing that. You like rephrased it in a more intelligent way. That was the best. Why? You have trust times on the travel toilet. By day three, no matter where I am, it's just road ass. It's just fucking. I find food.

Diarrhea. I find travel day. If I have a early, if I have a six or seven. Oh, forget it. Oh, my God. It takes at least 48 hours to get those shit straight. Oh, wow. See, I'm not.

Me either. I don't. I don't want it. Because it's Tommy Buns. He's so funny to me. For me, like nothing. Either I don't keep track of it or I don't notice, but like, I don't get jet lag.

I never get it. I'm usually in a good mood. As soon as I wake up, I'm just like in a good mood. I never really like, you know, unless I'm completely depressed, but not really traveling. I'm just like, whatever. I'll figure it out. Food or poop or whatever it is.

You know what I mean? If even if I get diarrhea, you know, I'm just like, yeah, just diarrhea, whatever. Yeah. Do you have like on a, if you leave early though, doesn't fuck up what you're doing? Like always. No.

Take it early. That's what I'm saying. Like I don't have like a routine or anything. Like that. No, but it doesn't. Oh my God. This is you, right? That was me.

Because I hear you breathing. I can hear the way your breath was. Yeah. That's how I know that was you. Isn't that terrible? I thought so. I'm like, is someone rubbing up against the microphone? What's happening?

You need to wipe down. That's my dad. No, it's not. Yeah. Is it? That's awesome. You know what I've been having as a fantasy lately? What's happening?

You know what I've been having as a fantasy lately? You know what I've been having as a fantasy lately? What's that? And I've been talking about on stage a little bit. I have this fantasy of pooping in my own hand. Really? I've never done it. I've never done it.

But like sometimes I'm like, God, it just must be pretty cool. Do it. Do it. I know. I keep saying I'm going to try. But right now, you know, you know, I'll figure it out. The smell stays on your hand. Yeah, a long time.

For a while. Even if you... What if I use like a rubber glove? You don't want to do it on a rubber glove. No, I know. You want the whole thing. You want the whole thing. You got to use really hot water.

I'm sure. Yeah. And like bleach because the smell will stay. It will stay. Now, wait, but do you want to do like a hard dump or a runny dump in your hands? And how are you going to log? I don't want. Yeah, I want to log.

You don't want just all juice. No, I want what? I mean, this is, I can't even say it. I'm just going to say it. Yeah. Ultimately what I would like is I'd like for it to be coming out and in my hands at the same time. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? I just, I just like. Fresh world. Does Kate know about this? Yeah, she knows about it. What did she think? She just thinks I'm crazy. You know what I mean?

It's like any, I haven't done it. I'm just, I've been, you know, I think anyone who's ever had therapy knows that the thoughts that you have in your brain doesn't mean that they have to relate to action. Okay. And you can't hold yourself accountable for your thoughts that just are what your brain is doing. Yeah. My therapist never says that to me.

It's because he's too busy trying to get in your pants. She, she, hello. Hello. We examine all my thoughts. She'd probably go back to some kind of childhood thing with you. Put it in your own hand. Can I tell you a man or a woman? I don't have one now, but I've had woman, man, woman.

What's the difference? The dude, it was like fresh, man. He was just dope. I remember one time I said to him like, yeah, man, I go, I don't know if this is good or bad, but I've been taking like a coding to go to bed. He goes, you know, every now and then, if you need some coding to go to bed. I was like, yes, dude. It was cool.

Guys, I have this irrational fantasy. You know, sometimes when you're driving and you're like, what would happen if I just ran into the center divider? I haven't a rational thought where I cut my tongue with a razor blade. I just imagine what that's like a lot. I don't know why, but I have it. And I always went and go, do you have any of those kind of thoughts? I have one.

I do. I have tons. Really? Oh, let's talk about these. The one that really is hard for me is like when I met, especially like in a comedy club and it's downtime, like between shows. And I'm talking to essentially people I don't know that have just met like a staff comic from that town.

I'll be holding a drink. And in my head, I'm always like, throw this drink at their face right now. And I just, I always picture like in my mind, like what the, the scenario, like how it'll play out. Yeah. So I'll be like, throw this drink in his face right now. He's like, why'd you do that? And I'm going to be like, what the fuck are you going to do about it?

Yeah. Yeah, always. Yeah. I mean, it happens like every week. I don't have that, but I'm always playing. I think as comedians, we're always playing out what if, what would happen because that's where our jokes come from. But I always, always process the thought and action of eating and end up chewing my fork

and fighting on the fork. Yeah. And I try and get up like, what? But you know, for a while, my thought was always, I have a, I have like a Ford Explorer, so my thing was, I'd always be driving on the highway. New one. No. It's another one.

Yeah. I love it. I can beat up on it, pick, you know, load it up with stuff in the back beds, beds. Yeah. Exactly. Was driving like 80 and then just cutting the wheels fast as I could. So that it would just go down the highway. Oh, wow.

Always. And just like paranoid, like never like driving people because I thought I was going to crash. I mean, this was up until like two years ago. Really? Always. Every time driving, like, and I would like have thoughts. I'm like, I can't even tell my wife. I'm having thoughts because I'm driving.

You know what I would have for a while. I would go through phases of extreme food poisoning paranoia where after I would eat, I would count down the hours after so that I knew I was okay. Yeah. So it got to the point where. Wait, what? Yeah. This is when I was like, you guys live together.

No, I didn't. I never told you about this weird food thing I developed is when I was in a bad relationship. I was winding down with the ex-boyfriend I lived with before Tom. You still really love that guy, didn't you? Well. Stupid. And I developed this weird thing with food where I was convinced that every time I ate, I would get food poisoning.

So I would like count the hours after like, oh, and I wouldn't get on the freeway. Like I'd eat a burrito at Yuccas, which I really loved. And I'd be like, I can't get on the freeway because I might have to shit. So you're deliberately going for foods that could give you food poisoning. That could not give me. So like in my head, I had a whole system. And Yucca was one of them. Yuccas.

Yeah. That burrito place. No, that was a safe place. That was a safe place. I trusted that place. That's good. I haven't done that in like 10 years. That's like a really irrational.

Those are really, really irrational thing. Yeah. You never got that? You never got weird on it? Well, I've been weird about. I've had weird thoughts, of course, but I've never had that one. I've never had that one either. I mean, I've only had food poisoning once.

I've been scared before. Sometimes too. I've had so much seafood poisoning. Oh, Jesus. I've been before. I've been like, I've eaten, ordered like, you know, fish and then eat it and been like, ah, shit. Like, you know, and I was convinced and then I felt like, holy, it's amazing that I just

didn't get sick. Like where, but it was like irrational. Yeah. Like how I reacted to it. Yeah. You can do that. I mean, I think my wife, I get vertigo a lot. Like, I'll be on when I'm at high heights, I'm always just fantasized about just running

and jumping off like all, like I have to like consciously tell myself back away and just stop. Yeah. Oh, from wanting to jump off the building. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. I have that too.

Like I'm Carlos Castaneda or something. I'm just gonna fly away. Wow. Look at this Dennis Miller reference here. All right. All right. That shit. I always want to fight the compulsion to yell inappropriate things.

Like when I had a day job and you'd be in the meetings or something, I'd be like, fuck your mother. She's a dumb cunt. Or like I would want to scream something awful all the time. You guys fucking suck. So I fight. I still fight that. Like sometimes when I just don't feel like performing, I wish I could go out there and

be like, fuck you, motherfuckers. Thank you. Good night. And then just leave. Yeah. When I, when I was this, I think I started to develop my absolute love for inappropriate behavior was as a kid when I was in like fourth grade in Catholic school, there was a kid with Tourette's.

Oh, you're so lucky. It wasn't in my class. It was in school. And we had mandatory church every week. Oh, okay. So you went to church on a school day and in church, he was screamed cunt. Fuck you. Whoa.

So great. In church during, and I would have like just tears. I just picture fourth grade Tommy just sitting there like. I was loving it. And the funny thing to me was that so many of the kids, I guess, because I had moved there and so it was brand new to me. And a lot of the kids were like, Oh, this fucking guy. Yeah.

Like they didn't think it was funny. And I was like, yeah, I love that shit, man. There was this kid, Robbie. He used to pick his nose compulsively in my elementary school. Like first grade through fifth grade, this kid Robbie, he would, and he would pick with his pinky and he would thoroughly clean one nostril, thoroughly clean the other and eat, eat, eat, thoroughly, thoroughly, thoroughly, thoroughly. I mean, it was skilled.

It was compulsory. And I remember once I would laugh all the time because the teacher would always be like, Robbie, get your fingers on your nose and he would lean back in his chair and sure enough, that fucker would fall at least once a week. Oh, really? Like, yeah, you'd bang his head on the, on the cabinet or whatever. And it was so much fun just waiting for Robbie to fall, get yelled at for picking his nose. I have a physical reaction to, I guess, I know a lot of kids did pick their nose.

Did pick their nose and eat. Oh, I did. I ate it. It was so good. The idea, the thought, the sight, the imagining it makes me feel queasy. Of course, now. See, queasy. Oh, I'm not a fan.

You never did that? You didn't? Did you pick? Yeah. First of all, everybody picks and still picks. I love it. If you don't, you're a liar. Yeah.

But I never ate. I never ate. I mean, of course, a couple of times it's like, I missed something happened. I'm like, oh, it's just I had nothing about it. I would tell you that when I was when I was like seven years old, we were in mini van. We're in a mini van. In a mini van. All places in the back.

My cousin Brian and I are in the back of the minivan and we're looking out the back. You know, your kid just like to play in the like anything in a car is like fun. Right. You're just playing in the back seat. We're at a red light and we look out the back of the minivan and we see that are. We're in the Cub Scouts or the Boy Scouts. I don't know what it was. Is it Cub Scouts?

Cub Scouts at that or we blows maybe. Cub Scouts. So we're waving behind us is the woman that is married to our Cub Scout leader. Okay. Does that make sense? Yeah. And she's also the mother of our friend who's also in that Cub Scout group. So we start waving at her, right?

But we don't realize is that the back of the minivan has that mirror reflective glass. So she can't see us, but we see her. So we keep waving. She's not waving. Why is she waving? Oh, yeah. And then as we're looking at her at this red light, she's this big lady and she's sitting there and then she starts to pick her nose and eat her.

Oh, Grona. And we just slowly stop waving. And he was in there? No. Oh. No. But we just stop waving like a sad like. Yeah.

And we're just looking at her and she's just digging in and eating it. Oh, Grona. Grona woman. Yeah. Yeah. Big ladies. We thought she was just hungry. She was pretty.

Grona. Because I used to pick and eat a lot and then I stopped around like six or seven even just because like, I think my dad caught me doing it in the back seat of the car and he was like, okay, come on, come on, enough of this shit. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I should stop eating my burgers. Can I tell? Oh, this is a really gross one.

I'm not going to say who this is in my life because this person's very close to me. But I had a friend in high school that had a booger collection. What? I really am getting sick right now. I'm on. I mean, I don't know. Oh my God. You guys are so disgusting.

Why is certain things so gross? It was really funny. I don't know why we didn't think it was gross. We just thought it was really funny. She has a full collection. No, nothing. Nothing cool about that. That's disgusting.

It's a collect. I mean, it's no good. No good. No good. I don't know what else. Yeah. That's disgusting. What else can you collect that be more gross?

I love about that is that Larson said that the way an old person would tell you about like how you're fucking up. Like if you told an 80 year old guy about a booger, that's no good. It's no good. That's no good. That's no good. I have one that's worse. Do you want to hear something worse?

Yeah. When I studied abroad in England, there was this guy and he would jerk off in the tissues, obviously, and then just throw them on like his bed was against the wall. There was just bed mashed in the wall and he would like throw the jizz, whatever's the tissues in between the wall and the bed. Well, England is very cold and damp and clammy. And after a year's worth of come to, they pulled the bed away at the end of the year and mushrooms had grown or the comrades and we ate those and we tripped.

It's true. That's the song. True story. No, I didn't see his come, but I have a very reliable source. There was a dude at my in my college freshman year. A lot of people dipped in North Carolina. You see Larry Allen at the Super Bowl Hall of Fame. They had the Hall of Famers before and he went.

He had a huge dip in. Yeah. He threw up a West. They're like pan the camera, pan camera, camera two. You see the best thing of all right is that because they inducted Ogden, he got a crazy elevation and then they went to a guy like an old school guy, Dave Reed or something, right? And they're like, Dave Reed and like nobody's here and they, the cameras on him and he's

right after Ogden. He goes, damn, that's bad after that, man. And then they cut away. Shut up. That's hilarious. Yeah. So what were we just talking about? Some gross, gross dip.

So this guy on our freshman hall took everybody depth. Did you dip? I did. I didn't know that. I used to dip. Really? Gosh, I can't see you doing that. So people would dip, but you would spit into like a spit cup or a bottle.

Yeah. This one motherfucker took like a two liter and he dipped in it all year. Ew, dude. And then here's what he did. Last day of school is a big deal. Obviously we're in the freshman dorms. It's like a five story building, five or six story building. People are throwing shit off the balcony, breaking windows.

You know, it's just chain of assholes. It's a fucking male freshman dorm. This son of a bitch pours his two liter, but what he does is he walks down the hall and pours it as he walks into carpet. Dude, dude, here's how bad it was. I'm down on the first floor level and I shit you not. As I start walking up the stairs, I go, what is that? And I really thought it was an animal.

I was like, that's, I know that smell. That's a dead animal. That's what I thought. And you got up and it was, it got more and more gagged. And then everyone was like, no fucking dickhead poured his two liter of spit and dip out on the wall. They had to cut out carpet. Cut out the carpet.

What a fucking asshole. He should have charged him for that. Well, you know, there was a lot of, there was this one kid, they gave us our mattresses on the freshman, the freshman dorm. We're like, just shit and just covered mattresses. Of course, dude. And there was this one guy that was basically like, what is the fucking, what is the pig from the peanuts?

Like he's like got flu. Pig pen. Pig pen. Pig pen. This guy was a human. There's always one in the dorms. There always is. So I'm telling you, you see these mattresses and you fucking gag.

He slept on the mattress with no sheets. Of course, of course. And we were like, dude, this is the most disgusting thing in the world. Yeah. No. Yeah. There's always that guy. We would, we were a little more tame, I think.

I'll just take, I'm going to take a left turn here and my buddy, I could go all the places that I'm going to go here. When we were living in the dorm, my buddy, who I became good buddies with Fran, he lived like, you know, you get paired up freshman. You don't know who you're getting paired up with. Yeah. I went to school in New Hampshire, a small school and his roommate was from Maine and was from like a real small town.

Like he brought, he brought a desk radio. That's what he brought. You know what I mean? Like AM radio. And like, yeah, he had like his, he didn't have anything. My buddy had like a TV and all that. And so my boy Franny had CDs. We'd always go borrow stuff from them.

And then basically some people were borrowing stuff and there's his roommate, Forrest, his name was Forrest, was letting people take stuff. And so then finally he, my buddy Fran was like, Forrest, you can't let people take stuff like you can't be doing that. So I went up to borrow something. He's like, Franny told me, you know, I can't let anyone borrow anything. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm boys with Franny. And he's like, no, I can't.

I'm like, all right. So I tell my roommate, my roommate goes, watch this, puts a ski mask on, goes up to the room and he's like, opens the door and the guy's like, Hey, and he's like, I'm here to take some of Franny's stuff. He's like, no, you can't. He's like, shut the fuck up and like took a bunch of stuff, pushed the kid in the corner and the kid was so timid. He's like, you can't take this stuff.

It's Franny's. And he's like, I don't give a fuck whose it is and took all this shit. And then we told Franny. So then Franny went back and he's like, Fran, someone came in, he had a ski mask on. He took all this stuff. Like he thought it was a robbery. You know what I mean? From where he's coming from.

And then we, I think we may put shaving cream in his bed. Like we got along with him. We did freshman pranks, like on the, in the hallway, other kids turn a kid's room upside down, empty it all. He had to fold all his clothes real neat. Yeah. We threw it all around and put like shaving cream as drawers and everything. So it looked like that.

Yeah. Dude, my friend, Sean, you know, Shawnee, Shawnee and Bronwyn, they had a cat in the dorms. What? They just decided they wanted a cat. What school was this? This is the university of San Francisco. And we lived in USF. It was awesome.

And we lived in a Hayes Healy, the all girl dorm freshman year. And Shawnee and Bronwyn decided they're like, we just want a cat and they got a cat and our RA lived right across the hall from them. So like we would hear it meowing and shit. And then she'd knock on the door and they'd like hide the cat under the bed and it lasted all year. They made it all year. The cat jumped out of a window and died.

But that was later. Was it the last day of school? No, no. The cat was like, fuck this. I'm jumping out with everything else. I can't do this any longer. Its name was Crack. They named it Crack.

My RA's name was William Perry. Nice. The fridge. So his nickname was the fridge. And so he played this is, this is crazy. Okay. I mean, for a lot of people, this is, he played football at school, quit the football team and became a cheerleader.

What? Yeah. So we were like, what dude? Florida State? No, no, no, no. This is a really small school in North Carolina. Okay. Lenore Ryan.

But it's funny you say Florida State. So there's a lot of kids up there from Florida, especially on the football team and everyone's telling kind of like their glory day, you know, stories like teams they played, people they played against, what their team did, shit like that. And you're, you know, you're just like, all right, you know, yeah, two for three against Dodd. I went three for three, two singles on the triple. Yeah.

You're all American. I get it, pal. So everyone's telling their shit. He gets the story about Florida State and how he was recruited there. And I was like, you were, you were recruited by Florida State to cheerlead. And he's like, yeah, man, you know, I went up there and he's telling the story. And then he goes, um, they had this player named Poo Bear. That was his nickname, obviously.

Poo Bear. I love that kind of nickname. Williams. That's an East Coast. I almost don't remember it. Anyways, he's, he's like telling the story and it just really like writing. He's like, I was out in the practice field one day and then one day, uh, man, Poo Bear was like, he was doing these somersaults.

Man, it was crazy. That was the story. Yeah. And we were like, nah, man. They were like, oh really? Poo Bear is doing summer. So he was acting a fool, man. You know, just doing crazy shit.

That's a good story. Like that. Yeah. Like almost like I saw a guy on like 50 yards away, clowning around, but you're acting like he was fucking around with you. Yeah. You know, I was like, this is sad, man. Stop this sad story.

It was a wild. I got to double this joins in two ways. One, the kid that lived next door to me, my freshman year in college, he told me this story when he was in high school, he played high school basketball, tried out for the college team. He ended up like riding the bench his senior year, but he was in the state tournament and they were playing against this, this like city team and they had this dude called Bunny Jefferson.

Okay. And when he would do warm ups, he would wear pink bunny slippers to do warm ups. Yeah. That's how he'd roll and they were getting blown out. So my boy was in there because he could shoot threes. He was in there late in the game and he put up a three and missed and this team took the fast break. They took the fast break at him and he's backpedaling and it's a three on one and they dished a

bunny Jefferson and he went up and threw it down and the entire crowd of from that high school just came pouring down and got my friend's face. They're like, oh, he said it was one of the scariest moments of his life, just like trying to win. This kid just slams on him and then everyone gets in his face. She got dunked on by Bonnie Jefferson son dunk. I think dunked on is absolutely demoralized. I mean, that is that absolutely takes all of your fucking bravado away is some a man

jumping over you, throwing the ball down and especially they're like, they make like a noise. Yeah. The word all set ball bounces off of your head and you're like, you know, especially if like the beginning of a game and you're like, oh, this is going to be for a while. Yeah, it's going to happen for a while. Sports are terrible. Yeah.

Did you play any? I liked tennis a bit. Not really. Listen, I was in high school. So much. I smoked cigarettes. I hung out at the mall. Like, you know what I mean? I went to golf clubs.

I was a totally different plane. I didn't fucking care. Would you do softball? You said? Why is that? Is that not a call for it? Call me a loser. I played baseball and soccer and then I played college baseball.

Oh, wow. That's what I was literally saying. My best game ever was freshman year. We're playing at Dobbeth. I was three for three with two singles and a triple and Dobbeth is D1 and they had like a stud team and then they brought me into pitch. I'm having like the best game ever. They bring me into pitch.

I hit a guy then I with two outs hit a guy guy hits a pop up to right in the pitcher who was in for me was down right. He drops it. I hit the next guy and then they're sent a fielder hits a home run off me off the hockey arena over the fence off the top of the hockey arena. I'm a freshman. I was having the best game of my life. I'm so pissed and then the shortstop comes out with a new ball to me and he looks at

me like he hit the shit out of that. And I was so mad and look at the fuck out of here and then they hit one more dude. I hit three dudes and one in. Are you serious? Yeah, you mean you hit them. I don't know. I threw the baseball. I was pitching.

Okay. And I hit their body. Yeah. So they get they get to take first base. And they also think this is an aggressive fucking wild asshole on the mound who keeps hitting guy. I was just trying to throw strikes, but I was rattled. Yeah.

Of course. You had the jitters, man. What can you do? What do you do? You're a freshman. It's a lot of time. Well, we remember we were watching Super Bowl and I didn't like that they were trying to distract.

Oh, my God. This is the funniest fucking thing. So we're watching Super Bowl. She literally never won. I hate football. I don't care at all. No, like no idea. Don't give a shit.

So I'm like, it's a Super Bowl. So she'll she'll pay attention for it. So she's like in the kitchen. I'm just lazy to leave the couch and I'm like, I go, oh, yeah, they just scored and like they're lining up for the extra point as they line up. You know, the shot is towards that goal post. Yeah. And it shows the people in the stands going this and she goes, are they trying to distract

him? And I go, yeah. And she goes, that's mean. And I was like, yeah, that's I mean, that's what they do. So that's not nice. They shouldn't be allowed to do that. Have you ever seen someone shooting a free throw? No, but I think it's really inappropriate.

Like inappropriate when you're doing your job. I like well when we do our job, we don't get hecklers. You're not supposed to have heckler. That's like a full heckle that should be illegal to do. It's just somebody who's trying to focus on scoring points and stuff. Don't you think? Yeah, I mean, I like where your head's at. Yeah, that's why you're a tennis fan because there's no heckling in tennis.

That's right. Oh, that's a good because it's a gentleman sport. I'm a gentleman. I like to play dignified fucking things. Do you like golf? No, that's for lesbians. I don't would you not play golf? I try it.

I don't find it exciting. What's exciting about how do you know you haven't played it? You can't make that assessment. I watch it and it looks fucking on tall. It looks like it takes forever. It's like a five hour commitment. Do you like watching stand up on TV? So it depends.

I think I approve the point. Well, I mean, no one likes watching stand up because I mean, is that what your point is? Well, no, she likes it like way less than I think stand out. Yeah, like if I put on something, I'll be like, I want to watch. It's our friends. I'm like, I don't want to watch our friends. I fucking know these dudes.

I don't want to watch fucking Jay Larsen. I know Jay Larsen because I feel like it's weird like yeah or whoever's on that we know like these are our friends. Like I was listening to stand up on the way over and I was taking pictures. It's hard. I'm Maria Bamford dude on the way over. I was losing it really dude. She's so funny.

She's saying she was saying some funny. I wish I could remember the bit, but it was Mazda Brani went Mazda Brani, Eric Andre Maria Bamford, Richard Pryor. I was like, boom, that's a three. Not bad. Yeah. How dare you? What's it called? I think she's got a new special.

Well, he has her in the last couple of months and she filmed it at her parents house. No way. Just for her parents special. No, there's there's audience. Oh, there's audience, but her parents are in the audience, so funny. They filmed it at their house. Wow, that's I mean, I would.

I couldn't do it, but that's fantastic. It's amazing. Yeah, it's amazing. That's sick. I love her. Yeah, she really is like a genius level. Oh, for sure. You know, comedian and like kind.

Oh, my God, so kind. Yeah, we had lunch. We had lunch in Australia. Okay. Um, just showing off. I guess we did. Oh, what do you mean? Tell you, I put her in a short film once kids.

And she was the same exact way offstage and she was on stage and I was like, wow, God, she's just something. It's not an act. It's just something. No. Yeah. She's so good. It's definitely not an act.

I like when she does like, when she makes fun of the girls that live in her hometown, she's like, oh my God, Mariah, how are you? What are you doing right now? It's pretty good. And she's like, I'm just doing the thing. You know, when she does her ways, like comedy, target. Yeah. But she's like the target checkout girl or something.

That's the job. I love when she does that. Ladies. Yeah, her, her, her female comedian. Yeah. She's like, ladies. Am I right? I like when she goes, I like to call my mother and pretend I'm the baby Jesus.

Have you heard the, she's like, whatever her most name, that's the baby Jesus. And then she's like, oh, Maria, don't leave me those messages. It's creepy. So fucking fun. That's a trip. Yeah, yeah, Jay Lawson. Yeah, what else do you want to tell our people? We got to, I know you got to get out of here.

What do you want to tell your, your fans that are here? Well, our friends, check out the crappies podcast, always check that out. You can check me out on Twitter, Jay Lawson comedy and Jaylawsoncomedy.com. I'm across the board, Jay Lawson comedy. Come to a show and thanks for, you know, supporting the mommies. I'm glad to be here. You guys, this is fun. Well, let me ask you one final question.

No listeners probably want to know. Yeah. What does your beard smell like right now? It doesn't smell at all. But I want to get oil. Do you oil your beard, Tommy? No. No, I want to get beard oil because the longer it gets, it gets itchy, you know.

I had to shampoo my beard twice today because it smells so strong. What? Why does your beard smell? Whatever I eat, it gets caught up in there. Well, it smells like it, but it smells worse. So I had like some. Like cum? No, never cum. It smells like it smells like cheese a lot because it eats a lot of pizza and like cheeses.

I don't eat a lot of pizza. I'm just remembering the last time I really smelled your beard. You would just eat and we'd eaten pizza that night. It was the old house and you came to bed and I was like, Jesus, fuck, did you just eat pizza? Remember the the Italian we got the other day? Yeah, yeah. So it was left over.

I had it. So see, no, no, just like pasta with chicken. Yeah, yeah. So I had it for lunch today and then I went like put my hand in my face and I smelled my beard and I was like, Jesus, see Italian food sticks to you. So I went and I scrubbed my beard and then I went to lay down and I was just like relaxing. And then I was like, wow, my beard really smells strong.

It smells like farts and garbage, you know, and like your homeless person. Yeah, it smells like a homeless person. See, I don't I don't I never smelled. I know I don't really smell. I like I grew, you know, the one thing that I always had a problem with. I never had like zits and stuff was I sweat. I used to sweat always. You sweat now through the pits.

I got good deodorant. I'm getting like under control, like more mentally, but like fifth grade. Even I used to have to put like paper up there and stuff. Yeah, are you do you use like a name brand deodorant or do you use like some weird mitchell for a while? I know for a while I went and I was going, you know, deodorant, you put on at night. Wow. You know what I mean?

Because it was like prescription strength, certain dry, certain dry was what I was using and now but now I was when I went to I went to Qatar over on Christmas Eve to perform and I had to pick up. You know what? Wait a minute on the Lord's birthday. You went to Qatar. I flew home. No, what I flew home in 25th and I showed up for Christmas.

Great. You ever show up on Christmas? It's baller. Show everyone's opening gifts. You're like, what a new gift here. It's like when they're in a sleep since Seattle, but I interrupted you. I'm sorry. So you got a good deodorant for Qatar. You said yeah.

So I ended up picking up sure over there. Sure. It's good. It's works. Great. Yeah, you got sure. I got sure, man. I got sure way.

Sure. You know, like where the cutter comes in. It's not good. It's not a good thing. The book of collections. Not a good thing, kid. I mean, I mean, they got a really good deodorant over there in the middle. It's because they're so stinky.

Am I right? I have any butthole itch for a month. You guys, I love how much you should see if I wish you guys could see Tom's face every time he clicks that thing. He's so excited to see how we're going to react. I know he loves it. It does make me happy. It makes me really happy.

Smiling. My homeless husband smiles. I wish you came more often, man. I will come anytime, man. I will come anytime. How about outside of our work life? Why don't we do like a double fucking? I would love to.

You know, Kate loves both you guys. What the frack? Let's do those both of you guys. We'll have you guys over for dinner. You know what I mean? We got a nice little spot. We can come down here. Maybe we'll do it.

Yeah, right. But we'll Tommy can jog. Yeah, you need a bike. I'll get a bike. You know what you need to get? You know what you need to get? Garbage bag. You know what you need to get?

A dog bowl. You know what you need to get? Oh, shit. Yeah, Jesus. Where is it? Yes, play on the bike full circle. Whole thing went full circle. Right.

Oh, all right. Um, Larson, you're absolutely a doll. Thank you for coming. Oh, you're welcome. Thanks for having me. We missed you. I'm glad you're back in the mommy dome. I'm back in the mommy's house.

Hey, don't forget to go to your mom's house podcast.com and also send us your emails as always. You know that your emails we read on the show. Sometimes you can give us your would you rather's you can fart in a jar and send it to Jay Larson at the crab feast. Okay, you can fart in a jar. It's sent.

You can send the smell. Have you ever done that before in a film container and you seal it those old film canisters and it's a smell. You can send a fart. That's interesting. You're welcome. So that's your mom's podcast. I'm never opening anything for me.

Check out all everything at your mom's house podcast.com and definitely keep ordering your wipe down collection. Real mommy's only shirts and CDs, songs, all that good stuff. We love you. Love you, mommies. We'll see you next week. I have a song for you. I'd like to do with the.

I'd like to go to the bar. Plugging my iPod, listen to him talk trash on that talking about your mom's house podcast. Stop that laughing. Ain't going to happen to fix for a piss poor day. This gay discourse of mixed sorts. Get the pitch. Forcing listen while you bell.

Hey, you're in jail laying with your porter. We can sell mate or when you tell gay listen before the game starts. Play cards. Listen while you're shoplifting. It came out honest. I mean it. It's not a big secret. I'm often seated in the kitchen listening in the time of Christina at

the end of a rough day. Get a longer drink. Get my nut shade. If I'm lucky, get it in a love date. Just great. Like the devil loves flames. Like the devil loves heavy metal women who love snakes. This is just a thing to help your nerves and calm down.

I live without bitch. Welcome to your mom's house. Chicken mom's house. Chicken mom's house. For the beans, for the beans, for the beans, fresh, fresh, fresh. Welcome to your mom's house. Got the kitchen man. Got the kitchen man.

Got the, got the fresh. Welcome to your mom's house. Your mom's house. Starring Christina Priscikou. In time, Cinderella. Special appearance by Top Dog. You could actually happen to me or land a airport watch. And Joe Pebble.

Is there anything worse on the front of your head? Oh, man. An aspiring white rapper. Yeah. Your mom's house. Your mom's house. Your mom's house.