Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805

Starting point is 00:00:00 What's up everybody? It's Tom Segura. Tickets for my fall dates of the Come Together Tour are on sale right now. You can get them. No code words, no special signs, no handshakes. Just go to tomsegura.com slash tour and pick up those tickets. I will see you there this fall. A whole bunch of cities have been added. Thank you. I love you and I will see you there. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Now streaming on Paramount Plus.

Starting point is 00:00:36 Name's Conrad Harrigan, family man. And if you cross my family, well you'd better pray. From the underworld of Guy Ritchie. We shake the right hands, break the wrong ones, becomes the next great crime series. And when someone forgets their place, I've got a man for that. For himself.

Starting point is 00:00:54 Starring Tom Hardy, Pierce Brosnan, and Helen Mirren. We've got everyone where we want them. Mob Lad, new series now streaming on Paramount+. Guten Tag. Guten Tag, Willem Malkin. Willem Malkin. That burp you laid, Mobland new series now streaming on Paramount Plus That burp you laid did they get to hear that before we started rolling you in I don't know that was mighty mighty Oh, no, I just nodded. Oh cool. Yeah, you guys get to hear what I hear all the time Yeah, we'll talk about that a bit more today because you've been in special form and I have a theory why and I'm gonna get into that Oh really have a theory. I don't gonna get into that. Oh really have a theory

Starting point is 00:01:25 I don't know about this theory. I do. Oh cool, man. I do It's uh, what's everybody? What's everybody? It's great to be here We have so many cool updates to share with you a lot of cool things going on. Yeah, a lot of cool updates Do you want to Show off and say what you did yesterday? Oh, you're just gonna get into it right now? Why not? This leads into my theory as to why you've been ramping up

Starting point is 00:01:50 the burps, the farts, the hawking loogies. I had a colonoscopy yesterday for the first time in my life. Yeah. Hold the applause. And it's not for any reason. It was just a standard thing, so don't worry. And I think, and I'm just gonna put this out here and see if this sounds like familiar.

Starting point is 00:02:08 I think you're a little jellies. Because A, I got to watch all, everything come out of me in a waterfall fashion. I got some cool farts and I got a propofol nap. Am I saying that right? Propofol? Yeah. And I think you're jealous

Starting point is 00:02:23 and you're just showing off a little bit. You're peacocking a little. Does that sound familiar? Yeah, I don't think that's... I am insanely jealous that you got anesthesia. So good. Because it's my favorite thing and it's the only thing I haven't really reached out to somebody for. I'm trying to find a doctor that'll do it. Like Michael Jackson? Yeah, 100%. And by the way, I'll pay. I'll pay cash. I'll do what you want.

Starting point is 00:02:47 I want you to come to the house. I want you to give me a propofol. You have to sleep in a chamber though, didn't he sleep in a hyperbaric chamber? I don't think you have to sleep in one. He just puts like the thing on your nose. Yeah, you just need a doctor to monitor you, you know? All night. Dude, did MJ just have a doctor all night monitoring him?

Starting point is 00:03:04 Well, that guy was there all the time. I don't know if he spent the night all the time, but... But that's crazy. His tolerance went way, way up. Yeah. Because he was able to metabolize the propofol in increasing amounts so quickly that they had to keep ramping it up. It's wild because my brain was totally charred after it.

Starting point is 00:03:21 Like, yesterday I had brain zaps. Imagine you're the doctor that killed Michael Jackson. What happened to him? I'm sure he's in prison by now. He did have to serve some time, but I don't know what ultimately. See this is a crazy thing about really rich celebrities is you can find anybody to do anything. Yeah. As long as they don't have morals. He was convicted of involuntary manslaughter, inadvertently overdosing with a powerful surgical anesthetic, propofol. He served just under two years

Starting point is 00:03:50 of his original four year sentence. Conrad Murray, yeah. Yeah dude, that's a powerful way to sleep. Honestly, that's a little too much. Like you're just dead. You're basically dead all night. There he is. Yeah, he looks good.

Starting point is 00:04:03 He looks cool. Yeah, I wonder what he's doing these days. I don't know. Because I'll tell you this, if you can still get your hands on that propofol, I'll hire you. No. I'll hire you.

Starting point is 00:04:11 Can I, but I do have something really relevant to the YMH world that I'd like to bring to the light. So by the way, colonoscopy, no biggie. I really thought it would be way worser than it was. Not a big deal. You drink this nasty would be way worse than it was. Not a big deal. You drink this nasty shit that makes you basically waterfall dump. For hours. For hours.

Starting point is 00:04:31 Fine, it doesn't hurt. How many times do you think you sat on the toilet? Oh my gosh. 80. No. 87. No, there's no way. It was not that many times. Cause I like to get up,

Starting point is 00:04:42 I would sit down and try to watch something. It was an 80 something times. And I'm like, fuck, I gotta shit again. It was a lot, it was 180. And I'd feel a tug, but it's not painful. It's not like diarrhea where you're like, oh, like bent over. Cramping? No cramping, you just feel like a little like boop boop, and then you go sit down.

Starting point is 00:04:57 Hello. And then, but you better sit down fast. There's no time to spare, because you sit down in water. Eventually water comes out of your butt hole. Here's the cool part, at 4 a.m., are you ready? At 4 a.m. I was browning water, just clear water, which is what you're supposed to get. At one point, water was coming out of my b-hole,

Starting point is 00:05:18 and piss was coming out of my p-hole. Now we've got the double pipe classic, which is a burp and a fart at the same time. What would you call, since you coined it, you're in the urban dictionary, when you brown water and pee at the same time. Wow, it's like double stream magic, yeah. Wow.

Starting point is 00:05:38 Double stream magic. I don't think that's ever gonna happen again in my life. I don't know. Shitting and peeing. It is magic. Like in unison together. That's the same, but you're not shitting shit, just to clarify. You're shitting water.

Starting point is 00:05:50 You're literally just, you sit down and water comes out of your bum. It's wild. Oh no. Yeah. Yeah. What did you call it? A double stream magic. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:01 I advise everybody to get their colonoscopy just to experience a double stream magic. I would say this too. It really, they made it pretty clear. Getting, everyone thinks, I don't wanna do that. They prevent so many deaths and catch so many things early by getting colonoscopies. If you're over 40 and you haven't had one,

Starting point is 00:06:20 you know, it's just, you owe it to yourself, to your family, you should do it. It's totally, yeah, it's a total preventable cancer. It's a preventative thing and it's how they know, oh, it's just, you owe it to yourself, to your family, you should do it. It's totally, yeah, it's a total preventable cancer. It's a preventative thing and it's how they know, oh, something's up with your GI tract, we gotta do something. If you don't do it, it's way too late when you're like,

Starting point is 00:06:35 oh, I'm fucking shitting blood. Well, and also those kits that they say, oh, you just scrape your poo and then you nail it in, those are not, it's too late. By the time it shows up there, you've already got cancer. You're fucked, you're dead. So just go, and by the way, the actual procedure, 20 minutes.

Starting point is 00:06:50 20 minutes long, and by the way, you get a propofol nap. I know, it is the best part. I was so jealous. You were, you always are when I get anesthesia. I know. You're so jealous. Well, I'm signing up for one just to get that. No, I know you won't.

Starting point is 00:07:02 I had a colonoscopy a few years ago, but it's time for another and I'm super jealous and I just wanna get. I know you're jealous, that's why you've been ramping up the burps and the farts and. Do you want me to talk about what you did yesterday? That's fine, I don't care. You're so gross, so you're driving me to the colonoscopy.

Starting point is 00:07:19 Where to stoplight. And lately even really phlegmy, and I don't know if it's the the air here in Austin the allergies And where to stop stop light and you're sneezing and you're sneezing and then you you're doing this horking shit Yeah, it was a dad and then And I see it in the corner of my eye You're pushing the button for the window to roll down. Mm-hmm And then you do like an old Chinese guy you go

Starting point is 00:07:44 And then you do like an old Chinese guy, you go, and then you hawk the loogie out of the car window, like an old man. It was so fucking disgusting. Rop, Rop, Rop. I so fucking disgusting. I sneezed and what happened was when I sneeze super violently, I know all the snot came into my mouth and I had a mouthful of snot. Oh my god So it's like either spit out the window or just swallow it

Starting point is 00:08:09 No, that's what a handkerchief is for gentlemen have handkerchiefs and you spit your spittle by the way I have to kiss your mouth. You know that I kiss your mouth And it makes me think too and and and what I realize is you don't wash your hands Nearly as much as I thought you did. Well, I don't, first of all, I never wash my hands after I pee. That's nonsense. You wash your hands before you pee. That's what I do. Because my penis is clean. My hands are not. Why don't I do before and after? Because we can get piss on your hands.

Starting point is 00:08:38 No, it's fine. Why is it fine? It's urine on your hand. It's delicious, it's sterile, and it's good for you. I do not wash my hands after I pee, and you're a fool, and you're letting the government tell you what to do if you do that. Psyops. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:52 So you wash your hands before you touch your delicate, beautiful, clean penis. I agree with that. If I shit, I wash my right hand only, because that's the hand that I wiped with. I don't wash my left hand. You know what? As a fellow disgusting human, I'll take that because I do that too.

Starting point is 00:09:09 When I piss and I wipe, I just wash my right hand. And then I don't even dry it off. People are always asking me, why don't you wash the other hand? Why am I wasting all that water and soap and everything? It's insane. I don't think this...

Starting point is 00:09:19 Do you think there's a reason to wash both hands, Josh? I don't think there's a reason. I mean, the other hand kind of helps with the washing process, I feel like. No, just go like this. Otherwise you gotta do, yeah, you gotta do one of those things. I like that.

Starting point is 00:09:33 But I feel like that's not as thorough. I like that. Yeah, Sean gives me a lot of grief about it. About what? How I wash and when I wash. And he's like, did you just wash your bright hand? And I go, yeah, that's the one I used You're so vulgar and vile to your people that work with you, too You fucking fart on them you fart around them by the way, too

Starting point is 00:09:53 You've been really up your farts production this team Yes, like they've stopped me multiple times and they're like I like when you fart nobody likes Nobody. Yeah Nobody likes it. They have nobody a Yeah. Nobody likes when you fart. Nobody. A lot of the staff has told me that it's awesome when you do that. You know what he's been doing too in the house?

Starting point is 00:10:10 Is when you fart. It's bad enough that you fart all the time, all the time, all the time. Now you lay on your back and you pull your legs in the air, like the di-di, and you're only wearing underwear. No shirt, nothing else, just your panties, and then you rip them and you do it in front of our children. Yeah, they like that. They do like it. But I told them, nothing else, just your panties. And then you rip them and you do it in front of our children.

Starting point is 00:10:26 Yeah, they like that. They do like it. But I told them, I said, don't do this in front of your... The kids like it, the staff loves it. That's fine. The staff does not like it. They do like it. Nobody likes it.

Starting point is 00:10:36 All right, here we go. Nobody likes it. Wait, what's that face, Neyana? She doesn't like it. She doesn't like it. I don't approve. What are you talking about? I just think farts are a little disrespectful.

Starting point is 00:10:47 Wow. There we go. I agree Hannah. I have to be fair across the board because I always yell at any for farting. Is any just freely farting now? Yes. Yeah, sometimes.

Starting point is 00:11:00 I mean that went from zero fart policy to all the time now. That is crazy. He totally changed his tune with that. He's an animal. Like many others, coffee plays a crucial role in my daily routine. I simply can't get going without my morning cup. I also have high standards when it comes to coffee and I was growing tired of settling

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Starting point is 00:13:24 Check out the full lineup and get your 15% off your first order at truework.com slash Y-M-H. That's 15% off at T-R-U-E-W-E-R-K dot com slash Y-M-H. In honor of any who's not here today, our opening clip is is what I like to call any's inner thoughts. Here we go Don't feel bad about lying to these ho Always lie to him right off real shit. I'm broke. So soon before they start the shit. I'm broke. I'm unemployed now Let's start right there. We can build on that shit right there we can build on that shit

Starting point is 00:14:03 cool welcome mom's house Ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma Ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma It's your mommy She lives in my mom's house It's your mommy Mommy Sure you do Yeah, I wish any was here I could play his inner thoughts for him

Starting point is 00:15:06 Don't compliment that bitch. He's not it. Yeah, I wish any was here though I could play his inner thoughts for him. Don't compliment that bitch. He's not here, yeah. But this guy's awesome. He's been giving out, he gives out unsolicited advice to other young men who are in the field, you know, dating, trying to make it work with ladies, and he gives them just great advice. While y'all being sweet to a bitch and all kind and nice and trying to figure out this shit Y'all trying to tell her what you think she want to hear I tell that bitch what she don't want to hear whole you are fucking replaceable replaceable than a motherfucker because i'm fucking him bitch What's going on with you? You're replaceable? Yeah

Starting point is 00:15:39 You're not special. You're not unique. You can't count on me. I'm not reliable You can't depend on me and I can't count on you, I'm not reliable, you can't depend on me, and I can't count on you, and you're not reliable, and I can't depend on you, on bro. That's tight. Can I tell you though, this is definitely the game my father has run with women his entire life, and it works.

Starting point is 00:15:56 It works. With a certain type abroad, this is their jam. They love it. They love it, because they're like, maybe I can, I love you, maybe I can change you. How do I get approval? How do I get approval? How do I get approval? Yeah, how do I get the approval? I'm game That's what my dad does That's exactly my dad was a

Starting point is 00:16:23 You're being hard on a bit. That's exactly my dad would say Did you don't get two shits about no ho? Yep He does do that. He my dad does this a thousand percent to the hose This is exactly how he got way and probably like this guy your dad's got numbers man Numbers. Yeah, I mean I've seen him do it like I've seen him in the guy. Come on, baby I don't know don't do this. Yeah, like he'll just tell him straight up. No, no No, but they come back. You're right. They want more I think that means someone like your dad like are they incapable of falling for someone do they ever fall for someone?

Starting point is 00:16:54 Or that's just not even in there. They do My father has I think but then they get bored and restless cuz real intimacy is not on the table Like it's not they're not capable. And if there's a bump in the road, like, forget it. We're done. It's too much work. You're boring, it's too much work. It's either super boring or it's too much work

Starting point is 00:17:13 and I don't want to do it. There's no long-term. Wow. That's just totally, that's horrible. Whoa. And then I tried to get his approval too as his daughter for years. You ever think about that fucked up game?

Starting point is 00:17:25 Wow, I'm so glad I didn't marry a guy like that. You know what I mean? I could have done that, Tommy. That could have been me. Well, you ain't shit. You're a place to go to shit, bitch. Oh, I like that. You ain't shit.

Starting point is 00:17:38 That would put, it'll be like, ooh, it's too much. Too close to the bone. Okay, angle, I guess, would this make you happy? That's how you get a bitch to give you that asshole. For sure, by the way, now that I've had colonoscopy clean, the day is now if we wanted to butt fuck because there's nothing in there. Don't say if we wanted to, we want to.

Starting point is 00:17:59 There's nothing in there. We want to and we're going to. Today, but I just had the thing in my B yesterday. That's fine. Aren't you not supposed to butt fuck after? No, no, the doctor said if you're going to butt fuck, do it in the next 48 hours. Do you think gay guys have cleaner bees than we do? I do.

Starting point is 00:18:14 I think they empty themselves out more. Like way more. Yeah. Enemas. For sure. Remember how routine when we had, we asked Pierce. Yeah. He was just like, oh yeah, you just kind of flush it with warm water, you go through the routine,

Starting point is 00:18:26 it all comes out clear, ready to rock. Wow. Yeah. What am I missing out on? You're missing out on a lot. We can figure it out today. The gay community, their asses are clean like that all the time.

Starting point is 00:18:36 Yeah. You want to hear any of his inner thoughts? Love to. Hold on. They got all this trauma. Let me tell you how me and fuck up. They get married, they move in with a bitch. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:49 These hoes brainwash you into thinking that the only way you really gonna get treated right by them is if you run some paper. If you give them what the fuck they want, you pay for their nails or pay for their rent and keep a roof over their head or pay their car note, take care of their kids, whether they're yours or not Think about the logic of this shit, bro

Starting point is 00:19:10 Yeah, mostly holes ran through the overweight. They they not told they coochie all No walls, no bottom They got all this trauma in their life. They got all these fucking exes. They got high body count. Listen to me. They lazy, they selfish, they vain, they narcissists, they psychopath, they sociopath. They play the victim, they whine and cry. Yep.

Starting point is 00:19:37 Yeah. They moody, going on their cycle, coming off their cycle, going through menopause. They all the same, young all the way to old. Hose to hose. coming off they cycle going through menopause they all the same young all the way to oh how's the hose i told my motherfucking wife she's tripping in this that and the other and i was like so whatever you go wherever you do motherfuckers gonna expect you to pour your motherfucking weight dead ass a real nigga is dead ass hell yeah wife i can't speak for all them pussies and lames and corny and goofy and green as fuck motherfuckers and beta males. I can't speak for them, right? I'm talking about a real nerd

Starting point is 00:20:10 Gonna expect you to pull your own motherfucking way to it That shit is not worth that shit That shit is worth investing into to hit it hit it when you want it hit it how you want it hit it as long as You want it and tell that bitch to leave and then we should leave when you want her to fucking leave now That's worth investing my dad Tell that bitch to leave and then when she leave when you want her to fucking leave now that's what My dad This is spooky. Oh fuck you. This is spooky. My dad's a real in I Didn't realize that was raised by a strong black man 1000% his game. Yeah, that's what my dad is Crazy. Wait, did you hear the wife? He's like, I told my wife. So he's married and he's doing all the running game?

Starting point is 00:20:46 Well yeah, I mean that's just what you're talking about. He's not some beta goofy ass fucking lame old green bitch. Darn. This bitch a ho ass fucks you. Wow. Wow. Dude, this guy's rad. God, it's terrifying.

Starting point is 00:20:59 I mean, this is, listen, if you're out there, if you're a young guy, if you're trying to like, what's going on with the ladies, this is who I would listen to. This guy's gonna set you up for success. I mean, look, it's definitely a lane of courtship. Like we've talked about this before with the, what's his name, Tom, blow me up, Tom.

Starting point is 00:21:15 Yeah. He was an overweight radio DJ in Los Angeles. Tom Likus. Tom Likus. And his whole thing too was like, dump that bitch, don't spend a dime on me. First date, he was like, take him to Burger King. Yeah. Right, yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:26 Like, bitch, this is all you're worth. It's fucking super cool. It works. With a certain type. Oh, how soon after a colonoscopy can I bottom? Really important. Can you read that in my eyes? Sure, sure.

Starting point is 00:21:41 Literally immediately. This actually might be the perfect time because you're as clean out as you can ever be. That's what I was thinking, yeah. Someone says you couldn't be more right. Listen, we are trying this tonight. We're trying. Well, I'm a little worried now because-

Starting point is 00:21:55 No, no, no. Hold on. There's no worries. I haven't made a brown yet since my colonoscopy. Like how long before I make a brown? You got a while, you got a while, you got a while. Stop looking stuff up. We're gonna try it. Guys, Mother's Day is just around the corner. long before I make a brown. You got a while. You got a while. You got a while. Stop looking stuff up.

Starting point is 00:22:11 Guys, Mother's Day is just around the corner. Speaking of awesome fathers, fathers that are real ends. What about the moms that are real out there? Get them the perfect for my lipstick by Christina P. That's me. Go to christinap.com. You can get all four for the absolutely perfect Mother's Day gift. Buy it now so that it gets there in time. Get that real bitch something for her day, you know? Tell that bitch thank you. Tell that bitch. I thank a bitch. I'm wearing Berlin today. You fart more than anyone else. First, you're probably wrong.

Starting point is 00:22:34 Second, there's an easy fix for smelly flatulence. I'm Dr. Tricia Pastrucha and I'm a gastroenterologist and an instructor of medicine at Harvard Medical School. Wow. And here's how to avoid offending people with an ill-timed fart. Real, legitimate GI studies have found that farting anywhere from 10 to 20 times per day is normal. 99% of our intestinal gas is made of odorless gases like nitrogen, methane, carbon dioxide, but 1% contains sulfur and it's that sulfur containing gas that makes farts smell so bad.

Starting point is 00:23:01 Mm-hmm. That's your farts. So if you're worried about smelly flatulence before a high-risk social event, take a medication like bismuth salicylate or Pepto-Bismol. These have been shown to reduce 95% of sulfide-containing gases and reduce symptoms of flatulence. There is some concern about salicylate toxicity if you take it regularly in the long term, but if you're just trying to ease your social discomfort

Starting point is 00:23:21 for a day or two, by all means, take a dose by mouth up to four times a day beforehand. You might want to try this before a long flight. It's elementary physics. As altitude increases, air pressure, including intestinal air pressure, falls. So your intestinal gas has to expand. And at that point, there's really only one place

Starting point is 00:23:39 for it to go. It's why everybody's gassier on an airplane. Who do you know who needs to hear this? Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. It's why everybody's gassier on an airplane. Who do you know who needs to hear this? We've been talking about this for ages, why you get fartier on the flight. Plane farts. It's confirmed. Also, your farts do smell very sulfuric because you eat a lot of eggs.

Starting point is 00:23:59 Yeah, they do. Your farts smell horrible. And because we've been together for 20 years now, I know your smells. Like I know how they smell. Sniff that one. Like I bet if we, okay, hear me out. If we did this as a game. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:13 I don't know if I would be open to it. If we had everybody fart into a film container and then I were to smell, like open it and smell it. I bet you I could identify my husband's fart. You think so? Yeah. Just on the smells alone.

Starting point is 00:24:27 Well, I think the staff's pretty excited about this. You guys ready to do that? Hell yeah. Tanner's up for it. I know Tanner's a guy. Neanna's down. Yeah, Neanna's down. You down to fart, Neanna?

Starting point is 00:24:41 I'm good. I'm good. She does fart here, I've seen it. You have? No. She has this particular corner in the garage where she goes. To fart? Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:51 There's a sign in there that says Neanna's fart corner. Wow, that's nice. Wow, that's nice to know. Yeah. I smell like a gutter on Bourbon Street in July after I work out, and you deserve freedom from sweat and stink. Cremos deodorant is designed to provide men

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Starting point is 00:26:06 Once again, that's Target or Target.com. You know, I've been asking other friends that we have, married friends, whether or not their husband rips and blows ass in front of them. Not a lot do. Not a lot do. Honestly, like not a lot.

Starting point is 00:26:22 Well, who says yes? Well, I can tell you the trestles don't blow ass in front of each other, Duncan and Aaron, I'm sure they'd be okay with me sharing that. They don't. I kinda wanna, I don't wanna out people, but. Okay. Shawna and Jimmy are very close,

Starting point is 00:26:39 my best friend since forever. They rip ass in front of each other. Yeah, good. They've been together forever too, like we have. Love, I see it, I understand. All the other couples that we're friends with, doesn't happen, it's disrespect, it doesn't happen. I don't believe that.

Starting point is 00:26:53 So, just what? Josh, do you fart in front of your lady? Oh yeah, 100%, but if she does, I shame her hardcore. Cause that's disgusting. That's so toxic, that's like that real end. Yeah, that's how you gotta do it. Check this out by the way, I'm so fascinated by this. That's so toxic. That's like that real end. Yeah. Yeah. That's how you gotta do it. Yeah. Check this out by the way.

Starting point is 00:27:07 I'm so fascinated by this. Check this shit out. The original, the original video of RPC is here, right? Black guys who love to fuck and fuck good. If you're a hot black guy, you wanna fuck me at 23.95. You can see where he's laying and all that stuff. I miss the Christmas decorations. He just put up a new 23.95. You can see where he's laying and all that stuff. The Christmas decorations.

Starting point is 00:27:26 He just put up a new video. Look. I'm looking at the guys that went to fuck, man. He went up to the guys. 23.95, Wagner House, his apartment, 2C, build 18. He's ramped up. I'll do what you wanna do, man. That's right, 23.95, Wagner House,

Starting point is 00:27:42 his apartment, 2C, build 18. He's doing-'s doing so excited Yeah, he's fired up again, yeah So cool he has never wavered from who he is That's my favorite thing about our PC and the the real question is, has he ever found those guys who like to fuck and fuck good? Do they ever come over? Has he ever had it happen? There's gotta be someone.

Starting point is 00:28:12 There's gotta be one guy. It's been so many years, somebody has to have taken up on this. This is over a decade of this. And if you haven't, can somebody please take him up? If it were me, I would be so sad if I put out this ad. This campaign for years. For years. And you're like, who's come over?

Starting point is 00:28:33 I'm like, no one's ever come over. That's insane. I'd be so sad too. Yeah, if you go to a bar and you just ask people out. I'd be so bummed. Eventually someone says yes, right? Like, there's got to be some percentage of yes. But then again, you know, his criterion's a little specific. He does like black guys who like to fuck and fuck good.

Starting point is 00:28:51 You don't have to be able to fuck good. Just fuck. Just fuck. Are you out of jail? He's just saying it's open to anything. To any black guy. So all it is is a black guy who likes to fuck. And Latinos. He says Latinos. Oh, and Latinos. So black and Latino. there's a lot of those in New York City. And he lives in a black and Latino neighborhood. Pride predominantly.

Starting point is 00:29:08 Yeah. I mean, it's just. I went there. You know, I remember. I can't believe you went there. Yeah, we went there during the day. Yeah, of course you did. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:18 Yeah. Yeah, we were like, uh. People were like, what are you guys making? We were like, we should fucking wrap this shit up. Do you remember how you felt like when you walked into his apartment for the first time? I didn't walk in. He didn't answer.

Starting point is 00:29:32 Oh, that's right. Yeah, we rang the buzzer and he didn't answer. And then how did you get to talk to him eventually? He came and visited me. Oh yeah. In my unit. Your room, wow. We fucked and we just had a good time.

Starting point is 00:29:44 Yeah, he pretty fucked you. Yeah, it was pretty great. You got your roogie in, you almost swallowed it there. I didn't almost swallow it. Yeah, you're really into these roogies. My roogies are awesome. Yeah, you know what?

Starting point is 00:29:55 You should sew a roogie pocket in your jackets from now on. That's how much you love those roogies. A dedicated roogie pocket. Yep, pretty cool Well flavor you into right now. What are you doing? This is experiment. So you got your whole crew into them now. Yeah, everybody's on the rugis. Yeah I'm converting people. I've also had people who are like, oh I do another brand and I'm like try the rugis out rogue Yeah, my roguie roogies.

Starting point is 00:30:25 Dang, look. So much better for you. It is so much better for you. I'm glad to see RPC's back at it. And he's so horny. Isn't there an age where this decreases? Like, do you think he's at that point where the testosterone?

Starting point is 00:30:40 This is probably decreased for him. This is a, it took him years to put up another one of these. We played the first video Josh wrote on the board here seven years ago. Seven years. But that had some age on it already. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe a decade of this.

Starting point is 00:30:57 At least. Cole. Yeah. And he's still so horny. And he looks exactly the same. He looks great. Hell yeah. Officer Cumdump looks amazing. Officer Cumdump here, yeah. Officer Cumdump. He never ages, RPC never ages. He just looks great.

Starting point is 00:31:13 He's so horny, he's so fired up. Yeah, it's awesome. I wish I had an ounce of this fired up. Officer Cumdump's a total pig. Total pig. Yeah, total pig Officer Cumdump is. Officer Cumdump likes it wild, dirty and filthy. That-hmm. That's right officer come jump. We'll take it like a man I will bend down and you could bang me as you would fit as you can

Starting point is 00:31:34 That's right officer come dump here. That's right waiting for you hardcore guys. It called me a call You need to be action you need things. Let me take off my glasses and let me see I'm talking to His class. Yeah, that was cool. No, no, wow looks great. Oh wow that it's all it's gone. He's a silver fox now Yeah, it looks great on him and look at all the hats in the background King Donald duck orange man Trump must be impeached now he cut he cut sec 8 snap for people who can't survive on what they make, and also school, lunch, and breakfast, and food banks. He wants the rich to live and poor to die. Vance and Musk has to go as well.

Starting point is 00:32:15 I didn't realize he was so politically involved. He is now. Wow. Is this old or recent? Recent, yeah. Oh, yeah. All countries in Middle East, no gas or fuel or this old or recent? Recent. Yeah. Oh, yeah all countries in Middle East No gas or fuel or food products or produce for America and Trump Canada turn off electric to America quite a dissertation Wow, yeah, he's really fired up and I didn't think that officer cum dump would be that no

Starting point is 00:32:38 No, he usually keeps it just to the neighborhood You know, he talks about his stuff at Coney Island. But I would think Officer Cumdump just talks about- Cum. Cum and fucking. But that's where you're wrong, Thomas. But Officer Cumdump's talking about Palestine and the economy. He's multifaceted and I think what you're seeing

Starting point is 00:32:54 is he's developed as a talent. He's gone creatively into different areas. What do you think all those hats are? I like that necklace, Robert. No, it looks good on him. It looks good. Oh wow. Wow. Jesus, look at that physique. He really does like black guys, Robert. No, it looks good on him. It looks good. Oh, wow. Wow.

Starting point is 00:33:05 Jesus, look at that physique. He really does like black guys. Jeez. Shit. Really? This is all right. Yeah. There's a lot of really fit.

Starting point is 00:33:13 He's a cat guy too. Look, just like me. He likes cats, him naked, black eyes. Hey, I like all the same things he likes, you know? Yeah, true. Cats, blacks. Oh, George Foreman. George Foreman. Wow. Was that a rest in peace for George? Is that what that was? Like a? Yeah, true. Cats, blacks. Oh, George Foreman. George Foreman.

Starting point is 00:33:25 Wow, was that at Rest in Peace for George? Is that what that was? Like a... Yeah, I think so. Yeah, that's when he died. Yeah, it doesn't really fit the other looks. I'm sure he hooked up with George Foreman, you know? He's hooked up with everybody.

Starting point is 00:33:37 He knows everybody. Interesting, yeah. Remember that? He likes Michael B. Jordan. That's a few times we've seen him posted. Oh, look, a white guy. Uh-oh. That's wild. He likes him beefy. He likes beef've seen him posted. Oh, look, a white guy. Uh oh. That's wild.

Starting point is 00:33:45 He likes him beefy. He likes beefy guys. Yeah. Oh, look at those two black guys. Oh, there he is with his face mask. That's what chicks do. They like to show themselves in face masks. They're like, oh my God, I'm so ugly right now.

Starting point is 00:33:55 Stop. Oh, there he is. He's always rubbing his chest, rubbing his tits. Yeah. So fucking weird. With the face mask on. Also- I was in the department of juicy, build 189 with 35, go to three.

Starting point is 00:34:07 Come on, man, a creamy old boy. That's half. Hey, guys, man, you want to do my face, man? You want a creamy old man? Oh, that's what it is. Oh, yeah. He's showing you that you can come on his face. Face mask, yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:19 That's what he's using that for. That's awesome. Can I ask you, though? Yeah. When you're aroused, are you rubbing your chest like that? No, I don't usually do that. It's like a girl thing. Yeah. Rubbing your tits and everything?

Starting point is 00:34:29 No. Not like, ooh. Yeah, it's okay. Well, there you go. Oh, look at that black guy in his sweater. You like black guys in sweaters? Ooh, there's a cop hat on that guy. That's pretty cool.

Starting point is 00:34:41 Yeah. Those are some beefy nipples he's got too. Yep. Fuck, dude. This is a hardcore feat. Every That's pretty cool. Yeah, those are some beefy nipples. He's got to yeah Yeah, dude. This is a hard every cat deserves a home Yeah, but not every home deserves a cat true and he likes orange cats too. Just like me. Yeah Yeah, a lot of similarities. I get him. I get him Damn, that's an aggressive photo Yeah, Jesus Christ. That's a big tit. Yeah, that's a big old tit.

Starting point is 00:35:07 Fuck, dude. Yeah. Well, he's definitely got a type. He never swayed from that either. Nope. He's consistent. If nothing but consistent. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:15 Happy spring. Happy spring. Here's some cats. You want to fuck? See, that's the thing is the, is the, is the, what's the word? Just a spread of interests. Like, it's happy spring and then hardcore black guys and cats. Human beings are complicated.

Starting point is 00:35:29 We're not all just one thing. I don't want to paint him with one brush. There's like big tit again. Same guys. It's the same guy. Oh, even nine lives weren't enough with you. Oh, I agree. Especially orange boys are so special.

Starting point is 00:35:43 I know I love the orange guys. Another George Foreman And like who is he taking are these stock photos or are these people? I don't think he knows them He's just googling hot black guys and then putting them up on his Instagram. Yeah Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm Then they're Snoopy I just wish one of these guys would go over there once. I know. Have you had sex with Robert Paul of Champagne?

Starting point is 00:36:09 Let us know. There's gotta be somebody out there. Oh my God, I thought you were asking me for a sec. I would like to ask you. Yeah, if you have, that'd be awesome if you reached out to us and let us know. Please, somebody fuck him. I have to pee really bad.

Starting point is 00:36:21 Okay. Drink a lot of water. All right, go for it. Am I asked what is is? What is what? It's a camera. I pissed, but I didn't piss water out of my butt at the same time. Hey, that's why your butt's ready for that ding dong. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:37 By the way, we saw the Minecraft movie. Yeah, it was so cute. A year ago, we visited the set. I took our oldest, Ellis, to visit the set, and it was awesome. And then we got to actually see the movie, which was great. It was a great movie.

Starting point is 00:36:52 It was such a good movie. Super entertaining. I think they really served the children who play this game. Oh yeah. And then the odd adult that was in the theater, where you're like, you shouldn't be in here without a kid.

Starting point is 00:37:01 The solo adult, who's like, that's what I, the underworld is for, right?'t be in here without a kid. The solo adult was like, the underworld is where I am. The Enderman, the Enderman. Jason Momoa was amazing. It's not netherite, you wouldn't be able to tell. I know. Momoa was hilarious. He was so funny, and Jack Black, fantastic job.

Starting point is 00:37:18 It was a really good movie, they did such a good job. They really did. Yeah, it was really fun. The boys loved it, we loved it. Look at him, I love the outfits they put on these people. Jason has, I love his pink jacket. He had an awesome... So funny. I didn't know he could do comedy.

Starting point is 00:37:31 He's got good timing. He's got great chops, man. Yeah, it was a really good movie. He played such a dummy. That guy was just a big dummy. Yeah. And it was really funny. Really funny. Yeah, take your kids to see this. I think if they're into the Minecraft.

Starting point is 00:37:45 I wore that wig. I have a photo of me in that wig. It's a really good wig. It looks like it could be his hair. It's rad. How big is he in real life? He's big as fuck. He's so big.

Starting point is 00:37:57 He's like 6'4", 235, and he's like... Jesus. Yeah, he's a house man. Yeah, when you're like, oh man, this guy's... Most actors too are tiny when you meet them. This dude's, yeah, he's a house man. Yeah when you're when you're like, oh man, this guy's most actors too are tiny when you meet them You know, this dude's yeah, he's huge. Did he start as like a an athlete before he was an actor? I mean he got discovered pretty young Because he was on one of the iterations of Baywatch, you know Really? Yeah, just this like Hawaiian kid and Yeah, he started. Look at his dreads.

Starting point is 00:38:25 19, living in Honolulu. Yeah. So, yeah. He was always pretty active though. Like he loves mountain climbing, you know? Like rock climbing and stuff. He's really good at it. So he was always active with that.

Starting point is 00:38:39 And he was in Game of Thrones. He was banging the Khaleesi. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what propelled him into, I think Baywatch is like a step into the world of acting, but that's what made him really well known. I mean, nobody's built like that guy. Holy mackerel.

Starting point is 00:38:56 He's half German, half Hawaiian. Wow. Oh, look at him as a baby. His genetics are pretty nutty. Yeah, that's wild, dude. What a career, what a life., that's wild, dude. Yeah. What a career, what a life. What a fun movie though.

Starting point is 00:39:08 He did such a great job. Great job, yeah. That was rad. Yeah. What was I gonna? There was a, so I took the boys to see Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, the musical here, and there was like adults watching it alone without kids,

Starting point is 00:39:24 which is so weird. And then when we did the Paddington- That's even weirder. No, no, it gets even weirder. When we were in London, I took them to the Paddington Bear Experience. Yeah. There were grownups there too without kids.

Starting point is 00:39:35 I'm like, what? But then I realized they weren't just any grownups. They were low IQ adults. Okay. No, it's true. Okay. They were low IQ. I'm not saying they were retarded.

Starting point is 00:39:47 I'm saying that they were on the cusp, on the border. Like there was- Just above the line. Uh-huh. And like, cause there was this one part of the Paddington Bear experience where you go into the kitchen, there's like, you know, the family kitchen

Starting point is 00:40:00 and like the one adult that was alone, this guy, this low IQ adult, he was like picking up the fake phone Yeah, it was in that room. There's like a fake phone and he was like Like really laughing and pretending and like putting together the screws. Yeah, that's definitely low IQ That's not necessarily our word but low IQ and I'm noticing that more now as an adult. Do you think there's low IQ adults that are It's very good by the way lower IQ than an actual I think there's low IQ adults that are

Starting point is 00:40:25 It's very good by the way. lower IQ than an actual person with like downs. I think so. Cause no, there's, there's except there are exceptionally bright people who just have downs. Exactly. Exactly. And like they can do- Somebody just graduated law school.

Starting point is 00:40:47 Shut the fuck up. Yeah, with downs. With downs? Yes. Which law school? I don't know. Like something online or something. Hey, stop. It's pretty cool that they did it.

Starting point is 00:40:54 No, it's amazing. I didn't graduate from law school. Okay. So then to be diagnosed as having mental retardation and person with seven IQ below 70 to 75. That's what I'm saying. No, I know. So like a low IQ adult, what would a low IQ adult be?

Starting point is 00:41:09 Well, you got it right there. But not necessarily downs cause this guy at Paddington Bear, averages about 50. Right, but some, some people are well above that with downs. So wait a minute, genius downs people. Well, yeah, they're exceptional. That's rad. I bet my IQ is an exceptional downs person.

Starting point is 00:41:33 Look, scores of 120 have been found in some people with syndrome. That's my point that there's exceptional people in that they fall into that category. Look at this person that just honestly that just graduated law school. There's somebody with downs who just graduated law school. That is I did not know that. Yeah. I'm a low IQ adult. Damn. Yeah. Wow that's amazing. She's a Now the question is Do you want her to represent you? Well, I mean, I'm sure she's gonna be hired by a practice that like puts her in a position where they can

Starting point is 00:42:13 Utilize some skill set of hers. They're not just gonna be like hey you run the firm, you know Maybe she represents other people with downs. She says she wants to practice the disability law. Oh, that's good Yeah, that lady's not wearing the disability law. Oh, that's good. That lady's not wearing the right bra. I'll tell you this right now, 100% for sure. She's smarter than me. I couldn't do this. I dropped out of law school after two weeks.

Starting point is 00:42:35 It was too hard. And if she's learning the same law I did. If you were gonna hire one of the three of us as a lawyer. She's the one. She's the one. I didn't pass the bar. Uh-uh. No, I know. That's pretty incredible. That's amazing. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:45 You know, now that I don't, I have breast cancer, I always look at other people's tits a lot even more now. Yeah. Like you see that woman behind her? She needs the right bra. That's not a big, that's not supportive at all. That's great. That tit looks terrible.

Starting point is 00:42:59 That tit doesn't look right. She needs to put right naona. Naona knows what I'm talking about. It's too droopy. Droopy tits. No, I got it. I'm right Nana Nana knows which I'm talking about It's too droopy droopy tits. No Well, we got the biggest story that's come out of this show in the last couple months

Starting point is 00:43:19 This is pretty crazy Is it though I feel like we saw this it's well I thought we were going as deep as it could go last week with our update with him, which was all this chaos. But of course, it's hit new levels. On my way to the hospital, get checked out just to make sure everything's okay. You know, smart thing to do. I'm standing, I'm walking and everything's going good. These guys are taking real good care of me. I'm in the ambulance now.

Starting point is 00:43:46 You know, just making sure everything's okay and hopefully everything will be okay. I'm just standing and walking just fine. Just making sure everything's okay. We got it. He got into a brawl with those two guys, the landlords. My foot was cut too. You guys can check it out. Oh dear. I'm just getting everything checked out, you guys can check it out. Oh dear. I'm just getting everything checked out, you know, just so my foot don't get infected. You know, just making sure everything's okay, standing, walking, just fine.

Starting point is 00:44:13 Hopefully everything will be okay. Tony Michael Jones here, ladies and gentlemen, a worker. Worker. Happy day, everybody. Is he in an ambulance? Why is he strapped in? Yeah. For safety.

Starting point is 00:44:23 Craziness. Craziness. It's what it is, you know. So, on my way to the hospital. Yeah strapped in for safety craziness craziness So Scott Scott and James attacked him he said those the guys that were changing the locks so now he's uh his mission last night As of this recording was to get back into his place, but they changed the locks on him. Right, we saw that last week. We saw that. So here's how he's has a mission going. Okay. So it's pretty crazy.

Starting point is 00:44:49 The cop on Sunday morning told me that if I wanted to, you know, and I need to get in the building and the owner, you know, cannot give me keys and the landlord cannot give me keys, that I can, can you know break into the building. Yeah, you know I gotta get into my building You know I got a candle burning. I gotta do what I gotta do a candle burn He's got a candle burning in his place, so oh so what he's doing is uh he's he got a sledgehammer There's a door Nobody's letting me in. There's a sledge off to the side. I'm going to now be entering the building. I'm not a violent dude. I just have to get

Starting point is 00:45:32 my items. It's a bad charge. I blew out the candle. Yes, candle was burning. Worker. Worker. Worker's man, you know, it's just how it goes goes man. I understand what he's he's dealing dealing with their breaking in with a sledgehammer. Not a good one So then he goes out he went out after that he's at a sports bar Tony you're getting arrested That's fucked up Yeah, that's fucked up. Yo free Tony man We're out there. Oh shit, you got me? Oh yeah, it's on the map wall. Damn, bro.

Starting point is 00:46:31 Oh, good luck, bro. This guy. Yo, officers, have a good one. Damn, bro. Okay. I love that he recognized him. Of course. Tony is now a huge celebrity.

Starting point is 00:46:43 So he went to jail. Yeah jail and then about an hour later. He had me out in Auburn, New York, just got arrested an hour ago. And this is why I love, that's why I love New York. I got arrested an hour ago and I'm now released. And why I got arrested was because I ended up blowing down my landlord's door, the building door, just because door, just because he wouldn't let me in, he wouldn't give me any keys. So I got arrested an hour ago and I'm back in the bar.

Starting point is 00:47:16 I'm a free man. I'm walking baby. We out here in New York baby, bill reform. Back on the streets an hour later There was no watching the game Florida Florida baby come on Florida Let's go

Starting point is 00:47:34 Worker There's the same guy That was awesome that he met him later You got to see the end of the game which was really important That's important An hour later he's out, I mean here here's the deal too, he's like, he's just like, what, they just won't let me in, dude. Like, they took away my keys.

Starting point is 00:47:50 Like, there's no other side to that story. You think he could be a lawyer? You think he could? No, you're right. Between the Downs lawyer and Tony Johns. I rest my case. Your honor? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:05 I love that it's full circle with the fan. Yeah. That he's drinking with that guy, dude. Yeah, that guy's gonna get his autograph now. Super important. Good for Tony. Look, I'm glad he got out in an hour. We were worried that it was going to escalate

Starting point is 00:48:17 to him ending up in jail. And I don't want him to go to prison. I know, I knew that this jail was in the prospects. Yeah. to go to prison. This is not good. I know. I knew this jail was in the prospects. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:25 What Scott and James, the landlords, need to do, they need to hire full-time security. You need a security guard for your Saskatoon business? We can have a security guard available 24-7. We can supply a security guard for your lock compound 24 hours a day, for your construction project. For your construction project? Or if you want your business watched overnight We can do short-term security or long-term security

Starting point is 00:48:48 Send me a message and let's get you a security guard. Let's get you a security. I mean when I think of a secure place Yeah, I see this guy. I'm like fucking higher. I'm tough guy. He's cracking skulls experienced. Excuse me You can't come in here. Why not keep your private property hands clasped looking for a security guard to actually compound or something like this give me a call send me a dm get out of here you you you get out of here do you not see my badge he's so cute yeah this is not very intimidating excellent excellent not very intimidating see if i were him i would have outsourced the commercial the commercials You know you hire a guy that looks like Jason Momoa. Yeah, exactly

Starting point is 00:49:28 You're like fuck dude, and then you at least think that that's who you're hiring. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this guy needs to hire an actor Yeah actors are for guys. Come on Okay, come on I got some funny stuff to show you Oh I love it. Yeah, here we go. Let's go Oh my god The couches are really comfy No stuff to show you. Ready? Oh I love it. Yeah. Here we go. Let's go. Oh my god. Oh my god. No. Oh. What the fuck dude? He was, I think he was aiming, he was trying to do the shoulder. And he actually hit him here, which means he knocked him out. Can I tell you something? I can see our son's doing dumb shit like this in 10 years.

Starting point is 00:50:05 Yeah, of course. This is what dumb boys do. He completely missed the shoulder. What do you think? He's trying to reef. Oh my god. And he hits him in the neck and he knocks him out. No.

Starting point is 00:50:18 Yeah, side of the face, neck. Total knockout. That guy's dead, right? Yeah. I'm conscious. That guy lost his brain. That was pretty horrible, guys. Thanks for sharing.

Starting point is 00:50:29 This is gonna go well. They never know when to let go. Never. Oh, shit! Dude, I knew that was coming. You let go on the way out. You're stupid. You get the feeling. You have to feel that, dude.

Starting point is 00:50:51 He's got no rhythm. You gotta feel that. Fuck. Let's watch it again. That hurts so fucking. He fucked up, homie. This looks like Europe. He's drunk. Of course it's Europe.

Starting point is 00:51:02 It's Eastern Europe. If I'm betting. This is like Europe. He's drunk. Of course. It's your Eastern Europe. Yeah Yes, Croatia, of course, yeah, like oh now now and he's drunk. Yeah Ribs back So lucky it wasn't head. But he's drunk so he's relaxed. Yeah he's fine. He might be okay. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:32 I could see them doing this in Hungary too. Like at the bullet time they just put like a fucking, what is that? A crane? Fuck you, you're a cunt. Being a cunt to the horse. You're a shit. You're're a cunt. You're being a cunt to the horse? You're a shit! You're a fucking cunt! I hate horses, this is why I hate them.

Starting point is 00:51:53 This is exactly why I hate horses. That was direct to the dome too. Fuck horses. She could be a low IQ individual now. For sure dude. She's passing the bar exam right now. That was fucking right on the dome. Fuck, fuck this horse. Shit!

Starting point is 00:52:08 You're fucking. Oh. Can I say something? Normally I'd defend the animal, but in this case, I bet you that horse is a real fucking horse. She said it. You're a fucking horse. Because horse girls are super nice. Horse girls are all about that life They love animals. So for this woman to be like fuck you horse

Starting point is 00:52:29 Yeah, this horse sucks this horse does suck and the horse lets you know that you suck too. Mm-hmm That was a human cannonball thing. Like this is also definitely not in the States. There's no way. I think it is. I'm gonna go for Lily. Really? South.

Starting point is 00:52:54 Yeah dude, cause look at the backpack. That's like a military American backpack. Where is it? I was gonna say all new. Burger. No, this is America. This could be the South. This is like fucking Alabama.

Starting point is 00:53:03 Oh yeah, Riverside. Oh, Riverside, California? Yeah. This could be the South. This is like fucking. Oh yeah, Riverside. Oh, Riverside, California? Yeah. What's up? He shattered his ribs and has a lacerated liver. Of course. That's Riverside. And boom.

Starting point is 00:53:16 Oh. Oh. I'm sure he has health insurance. I'm sure they could give it to him. For sure. Yeah. How much do you think you get paid to shoot yourself out of a cannon at the Riverside County Fair?

Starting point is 00:53:26 16 bucks? Yeah. You do it for the love of the game. Yeah, for sure. That's passion there. That's love. This guy's fucking paralyzed. I wanted to bring up about something that I am always amazed by, Piszczewski effects. When we were together in London and we went out, we were in a store somewhere, it blew your mind. I didn't know that was real at the time, that there's something called a spring jacket.

Starting point is 00:53:54 I had no idea that there was an item called a spring jacket, meaning an item, like a jacket you would just wear in the springtime. Because to me, that seems so wasteful. Like, why would I buy a jacket just for spring? I didn't even know people did that. Well, haven't you ever heard, like, the expression a light jacket? But that's what I thought it was.

Starting point is 00:54:14 So I thought there was a light jacket and then like a winter coat. Well, there are. But then a spring jacket. Are there summer jackets? Yeah. I know there's a winter coat. You know, there's summer jackets. And I'm learning that for the first time too.

Starting point is 00:54:26 Yeah. There's a summer jacket. Summer jackets usually just, you know, they have less lining, they breathe easier, yeah. Did not know this, that there was a spring jacket. Never in my wildest- Never thought that there were jackets for different seasons?

Starting point is 00:54:39 Only a winter coat. That's it? There's only winter coats? Because that makes sense to me. You should get a winter coat a spring Can I tell you honestly a string jacket sounds superfluous? It sounds unnecessary Like why can't you just put on a sweater? It's like a waste of money to buy a spring jacket got it So when the guy told me this is a spring jacket, I saw your brain just short-circuit

Starting point is 00:54:59 I watched it and you were like whoa. Whoa. Wait, whoa. Whoa. What what and he was like for spring I had no idea that. But to be fair, I think, Nayana, didn't you not know that too? Or was it Heather? I had no idea. See? I didn't really know either.

Starting point is 00:55:13 I just kind of go, it's a jacket or it's a coat. Right. That's for- That's all you need to know. That's a rich person, like a real bougie thing. Fancy people stuff. Yes. I'd never heard of it, because we never had this growing up.

Starting point is 00:55:24 No way a spring jacket. No, it's too bougie for me. Okay. Now I'm all about it though. I understand. Gotcha. You knew this the whole time? Of course. Why didn't you fucking tell me? I didn't think I had to. Why don't you tell me? We're married for 20 years. You never tell me. I didn't. It took you about 15 years to tell me It's not a Sun visor. It's just a visor. I Mean it never came up honestly if it had come up earlier I would have yeah the other day you let me walk around with food in my teeth

Starting point is 00:55:55 I was smiling like a donkey with lettuce in my teeth You don't you need to look out for me, dude. I look out for you talking not on these things And the spring jacket thing never came up I was never and I've never had an instance where I could have been like talking not on these things and the spring jagging thing never came up I was never I've never had an instance where I could have been like, you know, it's a spring job Do you know you got to educate me on like civilized people? But I mean, you know, I don't know these things. Okay. All right, by the way I'm just seeing I told you this but I thought this is funny. Yeah to share. I'm relearning Hungarian. Yeah Yeah, cuz like I don't know dude, I just think it's whatever it's time. And cause I spoke Hungarian before I spoke English and then I lost it.

Starting point is 00:56:29 Cause my parents, once we came to America, we're like, Oh no, no, we're American. You don't fuck this language. You don't speak this anymore. So I'm relearning it and it's fascinating because apparently all the things I thought were just exclusive to my family being an asshole. Like we were, I thought we were just assholes. It's cultural. Yeah, they're like, you are assholes. You were all assholes. And that's what I'm learning from my Hungarian tutor.

Starting point is 00:56:50 She's like, oh no, that's just, you're just being Hungarian. And I was like, that fucking blew my mind. Give me an example. Okay, so first of all, so I asked, we're learning basic things like how do you ask for a coffee? Sedat nek egy kávét. Sedat nek egy kávét. I would like coffee, okay? we're learning basic things like how do you ask for a coffee? I would like coffee. Okay. That's, and I go, well, what if I went to like a Starbucks and they say like,

Starting point is 00:57:12 may I please have a coffee? And she's like, no, you don't, you don't say please. I'm like, what? Like, no, there's no need to say please overly polite. Why would you say please? They don't say please when you're like ordering from another human being. Even like little things like you know hand me hand me that book I was like can you say please like if I say it to my husband sweetie please hand me she's like that's too much You don't need to say please.

Starting point is 00:57:46 Just say hand me the fucking book. Yeah, that's. That's so cool, right? And she said that like all the cursing is not normal culture. Standard issue. And all the stuff that yes, they curse like sailors. Everything is fuck, buzz, mag, this, fuck that. Your mother's this, you do that.

Starting point is 00:58:07 And that's like so normal. And we say it in tutoring and also to- You say it in the tutoring sessions? Yes, because it's totally cultural. And even like, it's so fucked up because like these phrases I would hear all the time as a kid. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:24 Like, oh, they did shit. They can't meet a beer. Like my dad would tell me hear all the time as a kid. Yeah. Like, oh, the dad shit. Like hand me a beer. Like my dad would tell me that all the time. Like, go get me a beer, go get me a beer. Like I knew that right away. Get me a beer. Yeah. He didn't say please, did he?

Starting point is 00:58:37 No, please, no, legit, see fish. No, just fucking do this. Do it. So culturally we're dicks. It's very, but it's actually very liberating cause I'm like, I just thought I was kind of an asshole. Yeah. Like why am I so rude?

Starting point is 00:58:48 And cause you've told me before, you're like, Hey dude, you need to camouflage your face. People can tell if you don't like them. Can you, you know, do you remember you told me that? See, looking out for you. You're looking out for me, thank you. But I didn't realize it's just, she's like, yeah, you're Eastern European.

Starting point is 00:59:01 That's what they are. And I'm like, Oh, it's such a relief, you know? Smile, smile like a donkey. You do not smile and you don't laugh Or smile unless there's like a real reason and you're not friendly to people in public Like if someone just starts talking you they're like fuck Well, do you remember that there was like that clip you I think you shared it with me Where was a guy on the streets in Moscow? Yeah, and he was like, would you like to be happy to like all these different Russians?

Starting point is 00:59:22 They're like no Fuck off you get out of my happiness and They're like, no. Fuck off. Get out of my face. Do you want happiness? And they're like, get out of here. Get out of here. No. Everybody said no.

Starting point is 00:59:33 No. Yeah, we're a very friendly people. The Americans, the English, Western Europe is way friend. Not all of them. The French are really shit. Not all of them. They're kind of cunts. Germans are kind of abrupt too.

Starting point is 00:59:43 But Eastern European, 100%. You're encouraged to kind of be a dick. And I asked her too, I was like, is that because of communism? Did the Russians crush our joy prior to that? Were we nice? And she's like, no, it's Eastern Europeans, just like these.

Starting point is 00:59:57 Just how it is. There's no please. You don't say please. Our youngest asked me yesterday or the day before, Because you've been doing Italian now for a while. Do you speak Italian? I was like, I mean better than I used to he's like, but you don't you're not like perfect Why do you keep doing it because I like it I like to yeah, he's like you keep doing this Italian It's like yeah, I'm trying, man. He's such a little dick lately. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 01:00:29 So I guess Zolo told me, I guess we played this guy a few years ago. And there's an update. So you're going to kind of recognize maybe the old image of him that's in this clip. And then there's nothing better than jail videos, right? Oh, the best, right? So here's, here's what's going on. My name is Jason Vukovich. And for those of you that are new to this channel or don't know him, I was sentenced to 23 years in prison for tracking down and assaulting men that

Starting point is 01:00:56 had crimes against children. And since that day I've been known as the Alaskan Avenger. And now my life has been given purpose by uplifting young ones and helping families whose children have been assaulted. So he would put it upon himself to learn of somebody who had committed a crime against a child and then going and assaulting that person. Great, what state did he get convicted in? I guess Alaska.

Starting point is 01:01:19 Oh, come to Texas, son. We'll give you a medal of honor. Yeah, yeah, cool. You're in the wrong state, my man. I gotta tell you, it feels pretty good to get up in the morning and not be in prison anymore. Now when me and the boys were doing time we used to think to ourselves man it would be dope if Alaska did conjugal visits wouldn't it? I'd have my girl come right now. But there's a lot of dudes you do time with that shouldn't

Starting point is 01:01:41 be around any girl at all. Much less older woman and then hmm wait a minute what now let me break this down for you I think I'm gonna need to put on my shades now God bless this sweet woman but this is David Brinson who was doing multiple life sentences with no chance of parole plus 20 years because he's a mass murderer. And when you live like this for the rest of your life, let me tell you what you tell a woman that's given you some attention. Anything you can to get her to come in for the conjugal visit. And from the heart, God bless this sweet woman who has now passed away but check it out. Ladies, don't go do conjugal visits with mass murderers inside penitentiaries,

Starting point is 01:02:25 because you know why? They might do things like strangle you, cut you up into little pieces. They might even cut your scalp off and try to put it on and escape out of the prison. And you know what? For sure, rest in peace to that poor lady who went to see the mass murderer and got strangled. Damn, how come I couldn't get a conjugal visit when I was down? I guarantee she would have left sticky and confused and very happy. I had a boy. Yeah, pretty cool.

Starting point is 01:02:53 I'm a huge fan. Yeah, he's cool. I like him. Yeah, I like him too. Yeah, he's in the wrong state. Yeah, well, he's free. He's doing his thing. Yeah, move to Texas.

Starting point is 01:03:00 You can do your thing here. Oh, shit. Move to Texas, you can do your thing here. Oh shit! Is this 618 in the morning? It's Monday morning, I gotta go to work! Oh my god, is it Monday morning already? We're gonna do this again? And this might seem basic to you, but if you're out there, even if you got one of these, always brush your teeth.

Starting point is 01:03:32 This is good advice. Makes you look good. I'd hire him. Yeah, seriously. Helps you out in job interviews. Now, even though I'm just a tatted up middle-aged guy, I do care about style, so. Which one do you think goes better with sawdust? one or this one yeah you're totally right I'm gonna go with this one

Starting point is 01:03:50 now tell the truth is it weird that I vacuum my room before I go to work I like it clean when I come home that's some real jailhouse shit it is yeah but it taught him discipline it looks like he likes that regimented life mm-hmm I hope he's successful. I think, I mean, he's got a nice place. He takes good care of it. He takes care of himself. I'm glad somebody hired him.

Starting point is 01:04:10 It's somebody who obviously knows his story. And they were like, yeah, that's not that bad. Hell yeah. He fucked up child, that's cool. That's awesome. Yeah, we liked this guy. Didn't we try to add money to his commissary and everything? Back in like 2020, when he first got arrested,

Starting point is 01:04:23 we found out about him and tried to send him money and He got sentenced to 28 years. I think he only did like six good. Yeah, it was cool He was going around with a hammer and beating these guys up with it. Yeah, really fucking them up bad Oh, yeah, I love it. Oh, that's another story like this came Velasquez the you the former UFC champ heavyweight champ he attacked and assaulted a This came Velasquez the you the former UFC champ heavyweight champ he attacked and assaulted a guy who had I believe Done something to his niece But he's now only gonna serve he got sentenced to four years and I think he's two years in

Starting point is 01:04:59 So he's gonna get out in like two years great. Yeah, I think you should be absolved people were just like, why are we? Why are you even convicting that? I mean, that's the last guy you'd want to show up. Of course. This should be open season on these predators. I agree. Open season. For children? Absolutely. You should be allowed to. You should be allowed to. Absolutely. I mean, look, what's more precious than a baby, man?? My name is Phil and I like to dress as a baby Sadly Phil has been forced to keep his lifestyle sadly As he's afraid to tell his closest friends and family You should be One of the hardest things for me is having to hide my lifestyle living as a baby Well now we know I don't want to affect my work. I don't want people to think I'm a weirdo Well you are

Starting point is 01:05:43 To me it's just normal Yeah I don't want it to affect my work. I don't want people to think I'm a weirdo. Well, you are. To me, it's just normal. Yeah. It takes away all the stress of being an adult. I don't have to worry about bills and things like that. I just have to worry about things that children worry about. He looks like he's a blue collar guy.

Starting point is 01:05:58 I think they're gonna be real cool at the... The construction site. At the work site, yeah. They color books, I watch kids' films, play with children's toys. So usually I'd make Phil something fresh like a blended bacon sandwich. But it's hard when it's like this, so I'm just doing this for now. I actually enjoy running around after Phil. We've never had kids of our own and we don't plan to.

Starting point is 01:06:23 So it's kind of like being a parent, but without the pain of giving birth. See, it seemed like a perfect match. She's having fun doing it too. Would you like to do this with me? You could change my dye dye and give me a bath and feed me my food. Meh, meh, I want pussy.

Starting point is 01:06:42 Meh. I've so many pee-pees. So many feelings. Oh shit, that's what she does, right? After he pees. It's hard now. Yeah. Wah.

Starting point is 01:06:58 That's the part that's fucked up, is that they fuck after this, right? For sure. Ugh. I don't like this. You know what? Then he comes and he goes, wah. I don't like it. Ugh. I don't like this. You know what? And then he comes and he goes, I don't like it.

Starting point is 01:07:07 Also, I don't like that everybody has to be out with their sexual proclivities. I think having some shame and keeping it hidden is totally fine. Just not letting it out. Why does everyone have to be out with everything? There's some things that are shameful, society frowns upon, Keep that shit hidden, dude.

Starting point is 01:07:25 Yeah. Keep that shit hidden. Why does he have to be out? Why do I have to know what makes his dick hard in his diaper? I don't want to know. He made a TV show about it. Oh my God. He wants to keep it a secret. Yeah. I don't know if they're going to accept me. Here's a fucking camera crew in my house. Oh, God. It's crazy. Yeah, he did that in front of cameras. Yeah. They're all all gonna know now.

Starting point is 01:07:45 That's what I, every time I watch one of these shows, it's like, I just don't want anyone to find out. Like, what are you, you're on television. I know, it's like Meghan Markle, like, oh, I don't want everybody following us. And then she makes Netflix shows. It's insane. It is insane.

Starting point is 01:07:58 Totally insane. God, if I were into anything like this, I would keep it such a secret. God, I'm ashamed of the normal stuff you and I do. You know what I mean? You are? Well, I mean, I don't share everything we do with people. It's weird.

Starting point is 01:08:14 Oh, it's so gross, I hate it. And also- Where's my Passie? I'm glad these fools don't have kids, but once you do have kids, you're gonna get sick of watching those movies right quick You're gonna get sick of cleaning up now. They wouldn't be doing this. You want me doing that? You mean but they actually wouldn't wouldn't be able to no you can't do shit

Starting point is 01:08:35 You want to see something cool always Well protests A little protest. He's dead. Uh-uh. Yeah. Just from that? Well, that high powered water hose hit him in such a way that his head hit that concrete. Yeah, what country is it? I don't know Let me see where is that it's a Tuesday it's a Tuesday it's in Turkey water cannon

Starting point is 01:09:18 He died. Oh, no, they're in such turmoil right now those poor Turkish Oh no, they're in such turmoil right now, those poor Turkish. Yeah. This is why they shouldn't let people protest. I think you should. Dude, look how hard, look how hard this is. Like, yeah, hit me with that water. Boom! Oh, these poor people.

Starting point is 01:09:38 Those things rockets at you, you know? I was in the Central Plaza in Madrid when they won the European Cup. This is in 2001 and everybody was in this plaza and they sent out the riot cops with the water cannons and the pellet bags like shotguns that shoot man. I got out of that shit. So I was hauling but I was watching people get sprayed down with them. Get the fuck out, you see the cops coming leave dude. Yeah leave Yeah, why are you gonna hang out for this shit? Mm-hmm. No run pretty crazy No way these Turkish police you think they give a fuck Yeah, dude Turkish prison Turkish prison

Starting point is 01:10:24 Yeah, dude Turkish prison Turkish prison If you don't know I put some fall dates on sale the summer will be down for me But there's a bunch of new cities for the fall They're at Tom's a girl comm slash tour. I'm hitting a whole bunch of different cities in Let's see. Where are we going? Are you going to Anchorage? Yeah, I am going to Anchorage. That's coming up soon, but in the fall, yeah, I have Akron, Daytona, West Palm, Clearwater, Fort Myers, Allentown, Poughkeepsie, Mashan Tucket, Newark, Brooklyn, Long Island, Hanover, Gary, Indiana,

Starting point is 01:10:58 West Lafayette, Fort Wayne, Bloomington, Amarillo, Lubbock, El Paso, Tucson, Colorado Springs, Green Bay, Pasadena, Vegas, Long, Lubbock, El Paso, Tucson, Colorado Springs, Green Bay, Pasadena, Vegas, Long Beach, Friant, Tacoma, Oakland, Huntsville, Birmingham, and Columbia. Poclund, California. Bill, Aloe Snatcha. I'm very excited.

Starting point is 01:11:18 Oh my God, this is the thing I wanted to bring about. So just over the last week, I did a couple shows. I did Oklahoma City in Houston. When I got to Oklahoma City, this was on the wall. A photo that just says, you get the glove. And then they had like 25 gloves hanging from the wall. And then they made an entire display. Like look at that wall, that's one of the walls.

Starting point is 01:11:43 Then they had this entire display of a movie poster, a movie poster called Glove Actually. And it's Jennifer Aniston and me. And it had movie reviews and the log line of what the movie was. What does it say here? A movie so unexpected even Jennifer Aniston probably didn't know she was in it. Glove actually is absurdly bad.

Starting point is 01:12:10 It feels less like a movie and more like an elaborate prank. Tom Sager is playing on the entire audience. But if you go to the, I don't know if you can see on the other side there, or it might be in the video, it has the log line of the movie. They wrote out the entire log line of this film. This is crazy. Where it tells you what the film is about and it has a one star review and 1% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Starting point is 01:12:36 That's awesome. But Vince the Glove DiLorenzo is a used car salesman in Oklahoma City who thinks his lucky red sports glove is the key to closing every deal. When Jennifer Aniston walks in looking for a fancy car, Vince goes all in using his glove to seal the deal. But when he takes things too far, like offering her an ice cream sundae to sweeten the deal,

Starting point is 01:12:58 the situation spirals out of control. In the end, Vince discovers that the real magic isn't in the glove, it's an honesty connection and maybe a little over the top salesmanship. One out of 10 on IMDB, 1% on Rotten Tomatoes. The comedy drama hybrid of the year. That's beautiful. Well, whoever did this in Oklahoma City,

Starting point is 01:13:20 I just want to be clear when I tell you this, you get the glove. Great job, man. Oklahoma City I just want to be clear when I tell you this you get the glove So elaborate they painted that on yeah, I mean that's not just a poster you guys that's painted on the bricks. It's backstage It's amazing. They did an incredible job. So funny and a sin. I'm sure is gonna have the same She's gonna love it gonna have the same reaction as us. She's gonna be elated. Oh, she's gonna love it. But yeah, thank you so much for doing that.

Starting point is 01:13:47 The OKC crowd, I have to just say, was fucking unbelievable. You said that, you had so much fun. It was crazy. You just never know, you never know. And they were unbelievable. One of the best shows of the whole tour. That's awesome, James.

Starting point is 01:13:57 All right, that's it. We gotta run. Oh, what's everybody? What's everybody? Love you, thanks for watching, thanks for listening. You get the glove. See you next week. S.A.R.T. The word was fart fart fart fart. S.A.R.T. The word was fart fart fart fart. S.A.R.T. The word was fart fart fart fart.

Starting point is 01:14:29 S.A.R.T. The word was fart fart fart fart. S.A.R.T. S.A.R.T. S.A.R.T. S.A.R.T. S.A.R.T. The word was fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart to talk about or acknowledge. S-A-R-T Laughing at me. Fart fart S-A-R-T And they're laughing at you. S-A-R-T Laughing at me. Fart fart S-A-R-T We watch what happens.

Starting point is 01:15:15 Fart fart fart fart I watch what happens. Fart fart fart fart We watch what happens. Fart fart fart fart Oh and by the way constituents Point of order. Point of order. Point of order, point of order, point of order, point of order Fart

Starting point is 01:15:31 Lossing at me, fart, lossing, lossing at me Fart Lossing at me, fart, lossing, lossing, lossing, lossing at me Fart, lossing, lossing at me Fart Lossing at me, fart, lossing, lossing, lossing We watched what happened what happens fart fart fart fart i watch what happens fart fart fart fart we watch what happens fart fart fart fart

Starting point is 01:15:53 oh and by the way constituents fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart Thanks for watching!

Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805

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