Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Gloria Estefan-293-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura
Episode Date: May 20, 2015Pull your Cuban jeans up over your head and get ready to lose your mind. We have the REAL Gloria Estefan on this episode and she is nothing short of epic. We discuss the Miami Fart Machine and the pot...ential it has to revolutionize the music industry. Will we go on tour together? Listen and find out. Plus we have the original "knowmSayin" and Let Me Tell ya Something, it's really something. Plus ASMR is real (we think) and these whispers might make you feel really special. And Maria may have finally met her match at Starbucks. A manager gets testy and FIRED?!?! We are dancing the night away to the Conga and hope you love it as much we do.
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Attention, all jeans, attention, all jeans.
June 6th, Tina and I will be at the Ice House
doing a live episode of your mom's house.
That is Saturday, June 6th, 7.30 p.m.
We're at stage two, that's the smaller room,
so make sure you get your tickets.
Now there's limited seating there.
It's going to be a fun show.
June 6th, IceHouseComedy.com, and we'll see you then.
["Ice House Comedy"]
Yep.
That's exciting, I can't wait for the Ice House.
It's going to be awesome.
I like these live shows, they're so much fun.
So, especially at that place, that place is amazing.
Yep, I just ate an orange, my whole face is all licky.
Check it out, I have some really awesome shows coming up.
I'm excited about June 11th in Fartnix,
Phoenix, Arizona, stand-up live.
One show only, the next day, June 12th.
I am in Las Vegas at Bonkers, downtown Las Vegas.
And the next day, June 13th, two shows in Calgary
at the Laugh Shop, moving it along.
A few weeks later, Kristina and I will be together
at the Byam Theater for the DVE Comedy Festival in Pittsburgh.
Get your tickets now, here's the lineup.
Bill Crawford, who's on the show there, DVE, he's fantastic.
Kristina, myself, Michael Che from SNL,
and the great Jim Norton.
So, that's the lineup.
Killer.
The DVE Comedy Festival, Friday, June 26th.
What's the guy you said, Tom Seguera?
Yeah, Seguera, yeah, with a Q.
From there, on the 27th, I go to Chicago
to do a show at Park West.
Very excited about that.
And finally, the last show of the month for me,
June 28th in Pontiac, Michigan, at the Crowfoot.
Caw!
Caw, caw, caw, caw!
Crowfoot, all tickets at tomseguera.com.
So, check those out, please come and see me.
Anything else, Jeans?
June 18th through 21st, I am at the Denver Improv.
That's June 18th, June 19th, June 20th, 21st.
Okay.
I'm at the Denver Improv, so come see your mom there.
That's exciting.
Yeah, I like Denver.
All right, that's great.
I'm gonna eat some donuts there.
In Denver, you are?
Yeah, and they have waffles and stuff.
I like to eat that.
You're saying it kind of like it's the only city
that has that, is that what you mean?
It is, that's what they're known for,
your famous Denver, do you hear that sound?
Yeah, what is that?
It's our dog chewing on the desk.
Literally chewing on the desk.
That might be your phone too, maybe.
I like, okay, she's got a tiny little tic-tac baby teeth.
I was thinking more of like this part, you know?
I know, I was gonna pull her.
We have some good stories about getting this little rascal,
but first, to the business.
This episode is gonna be crazy.
I don't think you guys listening are even ready
for what happened.
I don't think you know what's about to happen to you,
but all I can tell you is mommy power is real.
It's real.
Make sure Cuban Jean's on for this episode.
We're gonna have a lot of fun.
Put your conga jeans on, guys.
You like that, huh?
I like that a lot, that really made me laugh.
All right, let's start the show, Jean's ready?
I'm so ready.
Let's go.
Been excited for this one.
Just spread your legs, wider, and I'll show it to you.
Don't you fucking look at me.
Mommy.
Mommy.
Mommy, mommy.
Mommy.
Mommy loves you.
Baby wants to fuck.
Get ready to fuck.
You fuckers, fuckers.
You fuckers.
Don't you fucking look at me.
This is big time.
Who is Randy?
Don't bring anyone loving to this.
Your mom in the fucking stand.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house.
With Don Segura, Don Sucu.
Christina Pajitzic, Christina Pajitzic.
Welcome to your mom's house.
Yeah.
I recognize that.
How did you recognize that?
That was from my prom night.
You want more volume?
Yeah, no, I can't hear you.
Now you're being nerd again.
Yeah, that's good.
That's good, okay.
Everybody knows that's blue velvet, duh.
Mommy, baby wants to fuck.
I'm surprised we haven't done that one before.
Yeah.
It's kind of long overdue.
I didn't know it.
It's blue velvet.
It's, you know, cult classic.
That and like eraser head and...
What's the premise of blue velvet?
What goes on?
Fuck if I remember it.
Just a bunch of weird shit.
Better be careful.
If you say this,
we're going to get some froggy, fresh emails.
I know.
How do you not fucking know?
It's the same weirdo that did Twin Peaks and all that.
David Lynch.
Yeah.
David Lynch, so it's super weird.
Oh, actually, once you say it's David Lynch,
you don't have to give me the premise.
Yeah, it's one of those things.
I don't have a normal premise in any film of his,
but that's fine.
I still enjoy them.
Yeah.
The thing is with David Lynch films,
I feel like they're more real than anything else.
Like they're so weird.
I don't know.
He's like...
At this point, he's just like,
look, it's me.
And they're like, all right.
But I mean, back then, do you think he was like,
so then, and then they're like,
well, now we're in the second act,
but we're not picking up any of the story in the first act.
He's like, no, well, there's a lady that holds a log.
And then there was a murder in the beginning of the series.
You see a fireball in her vagina.
And then this guy inhales this mask
and then has to fuck mommy again.
All right.
I mean, we'll give you a few million to make it.
I don't know if we're gonna release it wide or, all right.
No, never.
You know what I heard that he came into prominence?
He did that movie, Eraserhead.
And it was a flop.
Like people didn't initially go to watch it,
but this like art movie house kept playing it over and over,
like insisting on playing it.
And with anything like on television,
the repetition of it, just like SpongeBob SquarePants
initially wasn't a huge success,
but the network insisted on airing it over and over.
And then, yeah.
Well, that's why the death of any television show
is when they, well, obviously they don't air it,
but when they start moving the time around a lot,
like when they want to get rid of a show,
it's like Tuesdays at eight, I mean Thursday at nine.
It's, we moved it to Mondays at six 30.
So you can't find the show.
That's the death of the show.
That's what we learned doing this podcast, Steven,
is that you have to keep it consistent when you, you know,
drop it, at least keep it on the same day.
Yeah, yeah.
Because people do not, it's fine.
It's hard to find the show once you lose it.
You know what I'm saying?
I can't find anything anymore.
Where am I?
So here's what happened this weekend.
We went and we got a new little pup.
A pee-wee-wee, it's basically the motivation was,
yes, we love pee-wee-wees,
but we also wanted to get a buddy for the Fifinator.
Like he's, you know, he's the best dog in the world.
We adore him, but we feel like he needs a buddy.
So we got this little same breed, Brussels,
from championship line breeder.
Even though we love the rescue experience,
we just wanted to do this once, so.
We wanted to do it from scratch.
Yeah, we just wanted to try it, man.
Because I always, our son has such a bad attitude.
I mean, Fif has the worst and it's like, what happened to him?
Well, what happened in your childhood
and your puppyhood that was so bad?
Well, he's from the Screets and he's, you know,
he's been, he's been through it all.
And so anyways, we wanted to get this hardcore
motherfucker a friend, right?
Maybe to soften him up a little.
I mean, he's always pulling out cigarettes
and switch blades.
It's like, Jesus, dude.
How about, how about some fucking cuddles or something?
You know, I've never pet him two years and never pet him.
I know.
So anyways, we find these people, we go up north
and pick up the dog.
We go into their home on Sunday morning,
pick up the dog.
It's like five hours from here.
On our drive back, we are hitting Kern County,
which is north of...
Nowhere.
Bakersfield, which you can look that up
if you're not a California resident.
And...
Well, hold on, first may I say the breeder
that we picked the dog up from was amazing.
They offered us alcohol at the middle of the day.
Noon.
Noon.
And insisted on alcohol a few times.
Which is so rad.
And then they're one of those people,
like they're full Brussels people.
Like, you know when someone collects like frogs,
everything in the house is frogs.
Like they had portraits painted of them
and their Brussels Zinger.
Zinger's the original sperm donor of all these Brussels.
He's like an award-winning dog.
Zinger.
He won like a...
Zinger's world.
Zinger won a, what's it called?
The Best in Show.
Yeah, Best in Show for the Brussels Brussels Graffin
category in the 90s.
So everything's an homage to Zinger
in this woman's house, which is hilarious.
And Elvis.
A lot of Elvis plates everywhere.
A lot of collecting happening.
Yeah, pretty out of control.
So we walk in, there's a ginormous portrait of her,
her husband and those dogs.
Then you see a Brussels run up.
Then there's kind of like Chachkeshop Brussels paintings,
posters, statues.
Then we go through a door.
There's like a couple of Brussels running around.
Then we are shown the pen where our doggy is
with a couple of others.
And then when we left, like I thought that was all,
we left, we're pulling our car around their property.
And there was another pen of like all these Brussels outside.
I know, and she was beating the shit out of them.
And she was like stabbing them.
You shut the fuck up.
No, no, she was the nicest lady.
They're the sweetest people.
Yeah, they're just like...
Total dog people.
They're dog people, yeah.
So anyways, we're heading back to LA.
We stopped by the gas station.
Christina gets out to put...
Number one.
To go number one.
I had to put gas in the car.
Now, because we had taken turns driving on this,
a lot of times like if, let's say we stopped somewhere
and I go, I'm gonna go buy a bottle of water in here.
And normally I would have the keys in my pocket.
I would take them out so that when I walk,
because it's a keyless car,
I would take them so that the car doesn't beep, right?
It's like, oh, so you don't have to hear that.
So I dropped them in the console.
So in this case, we stopped.
We had the new doggy in a crate
and we had thief just in the car sitting there.
You go number one.
I get out of the car.
I'm putting gas in the car.
I hear the doors lock and my head snaps around
and thief has both of his paws up on the door sill.
And he's looking at me like, hi.
And he had just stepped on the lock the door thing
with the keys in the car.
A scenario that never played out as a possibility.
In a million years, the dog would lock the car.
It takes me a few seconds to realize what's going on.
Like I don't even, it's not even processing.
Then I go like, I'm trying.
I thought it was so automatic.
I'm trying to get him to step on the button
and I get the unlock button.
And he's literally dancing around it.
Like his paws are going right over the one I want him to press.
And I'm like, motherfucker.
So you come out and I go, I tell you what happened.
You're fucking, I can see your heart dropped.
Like your face.
Yeah.
Cause I'm like, there's dogs locked in the car.
The windows aren't cracked.
They're going to die.
Now, luckily for us, it was like 70.
It wasn't hot at all.
No.
And the sun wasn't out.
The clouds were covering.
But the car's all shut.
So I go, all right, I'll call AAA.
I get AAA on the phone.
I, and I tell them all I am from, they're like,
oh, you didn't, you didn't continue your AAA plan.
Like you discontinued it.
And I go, well, can I pay to like reinstate it?
Yeah.
I'll give you the $50 asshole.
Yeah.
They go, yeah, absolutely.
And they go, let us connect you to the local company,
the tow company that will pop it open for you.
Great.
So they connect me and they go,
hey, and I go, I explain the situation.
I said, well, how long till you get here?
And they go, oh, like, like 45 minutes at least.
And I go, 45 minutes.
Yeah.
And I go, no, I'm not doing that.
And I just hang up.
Cause I'm not, in my mind, it's still,
even though we're not like in a grave emergency,
I think 45 minutes is too long.
It's too long.
And I got to say like the windows were rolled up
in the car and even though the sun wasn't beating down,
it was still sunny.
Like it was still light out.
It was still warm out.
It wasn't hot blazing, but I was like,
dude, my dogs are locked in a car right now.
And they're little dogs.
And one's a puppy.
I'm fucking losing my mind as a dog mom.
So then we go and...
I hate that.
A guy from the, who works at the gas station,
you tell him what's up.
Well, here's what I do.
So I go into the cashier and the guy behind the registers,
like a gangbanger, like a total gangbanger.
All tatted up.
Totally like the clips we've been playing.
Like, you know what I'm saying?
But he's like a homie.
You know what I mean?
Fucking homie.
And I go, hey, my dogs are locked in the car.
What do you do?
Have you ever helped anybody out?
And he goes, well, I'll go break into it for you.
And I was like, okay, yeah, let's go.
Let's go, dude.
And he goes, what I need?
I need my supervisor to be on the register though.
And I go, where is she?
She's outside.
So I frantically walk up to this person
who is smoking a cigarette
and appears to be about seven months pregnant.
And I mean it.
Like, I'm pretty sure she was pregnant and smoking.
And then she's on the phone and I'm like, excuse me, man.
I feel it, by the way, to not to cut you,
I'm sorry to cut you off.
Don't you think that's the last judgment on someone
that you're, like, you know, it's always like,
don't judge people.
Well, that's when you're free to like,
completely tear down that human being.
It's craziness.
Like, why are you, that's the one thing
besides alcohol they tell you, those are the biggies.
It can harm a baby, could you not?
But the smoking one, there's like,
you're a real fucking turd to smoke, yeah.
You're an animal.
So of course I ask her, I explain it to her
and she's on the phone, she goes, I'm on my break.
And I'm like, uh-huh.
I go, yeah, I know that, but you know,
we've got these dogs and is there any way
you could just watch the register
and continue your break at a later moment?
So she reluctantly, she gets mad and she's like,
I gotta call you back.
Yeah, like I'm making a huge sacrifice
to be a fucking human being right now.
So anyway, the thug goes to his car
and then comes like running up to our car
and he's doing that like, prison, cholo walk.
It's like the walk run.
Yeah, it's a, I'm walking fast,
but I don't want it to look fast.
It's like, I'm not allowed to run on the yard.
So I'm gonna kind of walk run on the yard
so that the guys don't catch me.
Yes.
So he comes up and he has like a chisel
and then hidden, like in his,
how would you say that, Jeans?
Like it's being held on his fingers
with his palms down so that you can't conceal it.
Yeah, so you can't see it as he walks.
The weapon, it's like another thing to Jimmy open the window.
So then, okay, you pick up the story now.
So he's like, he's walking over like,
he's gonna smash the windows.
And I just go give it to me.
I basically, I'm thinking is like,
I'm actually like, you know,
you shouldn't be the one to do this
because it's my car, you know?
Yeah, he also gave us a hammer, which I didn't mention.
Right.
So the hammer, I take it and I go like,
all right, I'm just gonna smash the window.
The back window.
We'll just fucking smash it.
I'm not gonna wait for fucking anybody.
We'll drive with the window,
with a blown out window.
Just go home.
Yeah.
Plus we're tired.
Like we had driven a lot the day before.
This is our way home.
Can't really stress that enough.
Yeah.
We're really over it.
Over it.
So I'm like sizing up the window
and there's a guy putting gas in his car,
like at the other side of the same pump, right?
And he just looks over, he's like,
well, we got our dogs in there.
And I go, which window would you?
But he goes, that's a nice car.
I wouldn't do that.
And I go, well, we got the, you know,
we got the dogs in there.
And he was like, oh, like you should,
I go, it's gonna take them, you know,
45 minutes from AAA.
And he goes, you know, what you should try to do
is call 911 and see if they'll send the fire department.
And I go, oh, it's worth a shot.
And he goes, you don't wanna smash your windows out.
Yeah, he said it all nice.
Yeah. And he goes, I really respect you guys.
He was not, he goes, I respect you guys
for even thinking like that.
But you don't have to do that.
He goes, I'm an animal lover too.
Yeah.
And so I go, well, it's worth a shot.
Call 911.
I apologize immediately for calling them.
And I go, I realize this isn't a life-threatening emergency,
but I got dogs in the car
and I explained the situation to them.
And they're nice.
And they transferred me to the fire department.
Fire department says like, look,
if there's nothing like major going on right now,
the firehouse is two miles from your gas station.
So we'll call them.
And if there's not a fire, we'll send them over.
And I go, okay.
So can you let me know?
And he goes, no.
I go, but you can't just tell me like yes or no.
And he goes, mm-mm.
Like either they'll show up or they won't.
I was like, great.
Maybe I should have called triple A again.
Anyways, five minutes later, fire truck pulls up.
Three guys get out.
We show them what's going on.
And they go, okay.
So they start, they get their tools out.
Now the old school slim gym thing.
Yeah, it doesn't work.
Those don't work on new cars.
The mechanism is different.
It doesn't just pop it up
because on the new cars, you can't even really pull.
You know, it's all automated.
There's no pull, yeah.
So they try that, it doesn't work.
Then they use these wedges to try to wedge the door open.
And then they put, they puffed it full of air.
Nothing's working.
It doesn't work.
But then I remember that on top of the hammer,
the thug had the, it's like,
it had a wooden grip and then a flat metal.
To break into cars.
And it's really, it's heavy and strong.
So I walk back in there,
cause I could see them not making any progress.
And I go sit, I just, I go,
you got that tool still?
And he goes, oh, they need a thug to do it.
They need a thug to do it.
I started laughing so hard.
I was right here on me, it's fucking morning.
Fucking, got the enemy guns right there on me.
Yeah.
There we go.
I came for a recipe dude.
He gets it for me.
I run out to the car.
I see them still not making progress.
I go, let me do this.
I jab it in the door.
I push, the door opens.
Let's be clear.
You had three firemen.
Yeah.
And no progress.
And can I say, they were a little scrawny.
They were.
It took Oso power.
It took your bare power.
I mean it to like, you were like,
like you ripped open that fucker.
You were like, I'm doing this.
I pushed it right open.
The guy stuck in the little, you know, blue wire thing.
Yeah.
He grabs the handle from the inside.
I thought they were gonna press on lock with it.
The way he fiefed it.
Yeah.
He just grabbed the handle with it.
The door opens.
They couldn't have been nicer guys.
We thanked them for doing what they did.
And we left.
That was such an emotional roller coaster.
Oh my God.
But really of all shout out to homeboy.
To represent myself home is creeper homey
from the GDOP 13 gang homey, some valley gang homey.
Fucking whiner from waste army and power gang homey.
Still poros orenios putting it down homey.
And middle east homey in Syria,
still gang bang and not giving a fuck homey.
Yeah.
That's what's up.
But isn't it weird how that was in our,
like our show last week,
we were just making fun of homies.
And then like a thug, like a homey helps us out.
Yeah.
It's just called justice.
It was like, dude, we need help.
And he was like, what's calculus?
Yeah, it's pretty great.
Yeah. Sometimes you need a thug homey.
He's like, oh, they need a thug to do it.
They need a thug to do it.
So funny, dude.
Covered up in his gang tats too.
So fucking.
My favorite just watching him kind of roll up on us
with that stuff hidden in his hands.
You know what?
Cause he's used to, you didn't have to hide that.
No.
He was helping us out.
He's used to hide.
He's used to hide.
He's used to not showing people that he has that in his hand.
Yeah.
He did a walk run, a yard fucking walk run.
Oh man.
What a day.
So fucking hilarious.
Yeah. We were over it.
You know, and also when you're just not thinking clearly
or just so tired and you're over it,
just like fucking smash the windows, bro.
Let's get the fuck out of here, man.
So by the way, we, uh, last week,
we played this absolutely what we deemed pretty bizarre video
of a woman touching fabrics and whispering the whole time.
It was weird.
And of course we have silk.
The number is six.
Beautiful.
Red, fire red color.
We have very light feather light.
Like, it's so awful fabric.
I hate this.
This makes me more anxious now that I hear it again.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
So after playing that, we got bombarded with emails.
Chastising us.
How do you hack fucks not know?
Yeah.
This is our ASM or what the fuck.
This is ASMR.
Autonomous sensory meridian response.
It's a, what, neologism?
Is that the right way to say that?
Neologism?
Neologism for a perceptual phenomenon
characterized as a distinct pleasurable tingling sensation
in the head, scalp, back, or peripheral regions of the body
in response to visual auditory tactile olifactory
or cognitive stimuli.
So basically to simplify that, there are people
who when they hear this type of whispering,
they get a tingling sensation.
It's like a pleasurable feeling.
It's like a head scratching tingling.
They like it.
From that whispering.
From that whispering.
The whispering does it.
There should be a podcast just for people
that enjoy this very thing.
Yeah.
They said that people described the sensation
as a brain massage, a head tingle, spine tingle,
or brain orgasm.
Okay.
A lot of people claim to have this,
but there's not a lot of scientific verified data.
They have different triggers that stimulate it.
A big one is the sound of whispering.
And the sound of whispering.
Hmm.
I hear you, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
I have you out there.
I hear you, yes.
This is for your BDSM brain.
I'm making your brain come right now.
But what's with the fabric?
So what the fabric has to do with it too?
I think cause that woman,
they said that like it could be something you touch also.
So maybe it's the combination of the two.
It's out of it.
Some people say that this stuff relieves their insomnia
or anxiety, but they really love it.
Then I'm behind it.
Anything that'll do that, God, go for it.
So they get like, they basically get goosebumps
just hearing that woman talking about fucking fabrics.
It's so bizarre to me.
Really?
Like, fabric, fabric seven.
Touching all the fabrics.
It's really nice.
Trees along the lines.
Yeah, it kind of made, it makes me a little anxious.
I don't like how soft and slow it is.
Yeah.
Is there, you know, is there,
is there something for whistling aversions?
I hate whistling.
You and me.
Hate it.
So we're married.
When I hear a fucking person whistle,
especially like, you know, I feel like it's really obnoxious
when someone does it like waiting in line.
Yes.
You know, like you're at the bank.
Yes.
So when you turn around, you're like,
are you out of your fucking mind right now?
It's like singing.
It's basically no different than being like,
it really is.
Hello world, I'm here today.
It's like announcing your presence.
We're like asshole, we get it.
You're here.
It is a passive dominance.
It is.
Yes.
It's like birds chirping.
They're claiming their space.
Yeah.
You're a real fucking asshole.
Oh, it's so asshole-y.
Cause it's not really pleasant for others to hear.
You're forcing people to, like there's no,
it's a selfish move because you're saying like,
you have to hear me do this right now.
Yeah.
You're forced to listen to your dumb whistle.
Yeah.
Go whistling your own fucking channel, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
Close your windows and whistling your own place, asshole.
Yeah.
You fucking try me, fatso.
You fucking try me.
Yeah, I hate public whistlers.
Nothing makes me angrier.
What do you hate more, horses or public whistlers?
Ooh, that's a good one.
That is a fucking good one.
You could fucking try me, fatso.
I think, I think whistlers.
Whistlers over horses?
Yeah, whistlers first.
Sorry little one, gotta move her head away
every time she lifts her head up.
Oh, we didn't even tell.
So like, you know, we said Bitsy is her name,
but we're also actually entertaining one other.
Well, I really was a fan of Mrs. Doctor,
Mrs. Doctor Mister.
Yeah.
But it's just too much.
Yeah.
So the other one we're considering is?
Tamar Braxton.
You better get your life.
Girl, get your life.
Tamar.
Yep.
Cause she's really kind of a hellion
and it's all about Tamar right now.
She's dominating this house.
She's dominating feet.
Very much dominating.
She is running the show and she's just doing it all.
She's a terrorist.
We are the Braxton Daniels City.
We are not like an ordinary family.
We treat each other with a treat.
Tamar and Bitsy will teach you a thing or two.
We're Braxton family values.
So you think we can do that?
You think we can stick with it?
That's the thing I haven't decided
because we gotta commit now.
It's now or never really.
We spent an entire 48 hours with the Bitsy name.
It's so cutesy.
I feel like we're not that cute.
Right.
I know.
We ain't that cute.
It's like muffin or something.
Yeah.
Like we're not that.
Are we those people?
You know, we like it.
We like it in theory,
but I think in practice we're kind of harder, you know?
So just try Tamar.
Tamar is pretty good.
You better get your life.
But I think it's funny to call your dog Tamar.
I mean, nobody names their dog Tamar, Braxton.
No.
It's really silly.
I feel like Tamar, Fifo, you know?
He was the ox.
Look how he sleeps now.
He is passed out.
This little hellion jumps on his face,
on his back, on his tail all day
when he would be sleeping.
So now any moment that she's not on him,
he passes out immediately.
He can't even take a shit.
No, he jumps on while he's shit.
Poor guy.
I feel so bad for him.
Well, what we're shielding him,
we're slowly learning to separate them
and give him some space.
Out, out, out.
I know.
Poor little feffer.
Poor guy.
This is pretty funny.
Somebody sent this in and said,
this is the original, you know what I'm saying?
And it's Herill Lederman who does ringside judging
for HBO boxing for the last fucking 40 years.
Oh, wow.
I love this.
It's a montage of his version
of what I'm saying which is, I gotta tell you.
I want to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
I've got to tell you something, friend.
I've got to tell you guys something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
What am I going to tell you?
What am I going to tell you?
Jim, I've got...
I mean, we're up to 10-12 fights already.
It's 15 seconds in.
It's another minute and a half.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Friend, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
I've got to tell you, Jim, I've got to tell you something.
I've got to tell you something.
I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
I've got to tell you something.
I've got to tell you something, Jim.
I've got to tell you something.
Let me tell you something, Jim.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
I've got to tell you something, Jim.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something, Jim.
I've got to tell you something, Jim.
I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
You know what?
I'm going to f**k.
It's a lot.
I'm going to f**k it?
Please don't later.
You're later.
It's even better.
It's better.
You're later.
Don't let her.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I'll tell you something.
Jeremiah, I've gotate-
I'm going to f**k it.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I'm going to f**k it?
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
I'm going to f**k.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Jim, I've got to tell you something.
Oh, boy.
Other big news in Starbucks, in Queens, last week,
after we did the show, a manager served Maria, apparently,
and lost her f**king mind.
No way.
Yeah.
I guess Maria was in New York,
and this is the manager at Starbucks.
You're talking to it.
You're talking to the manager.
Get out.
You're not going to be served here.
Hit again.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
That manager got fired after this.
Really?
Yeah, for talking to Maria like that.
Yeah, well, she's the mayor of Starbucks.
Yeah, couldn't believe it.
Customer's always right, guys.
Apparently, this girl just took one of the cookie straws
or something.
And this lady, I don't know, she lost her mind.
I mean, she really flipped out of it.
It's really crazy.
Yeah, she took one of the straws.
Yeah, it was a widely reported story where this lady,
I don't know how exactly, but now it
says that she's suspended.
And then she says she quit after the video.
She flipped out.
She was in the Elmhurst Starbucks
location in Queens, New York.
And I'll pull up the story.
OK, so this is what prompted, I guess, this lady to flip out.
I don't want that.
I just want the topping part.
Like you put whipped cream on as a topper.
And I ask for a lot more whipped cream.
You're going to charge me for a fucking latte, too.
Right.
You need some more.
You have to push the button for the whipped cream
to come out.
Now is that a latte?
Because you had to push the fucking button.
This says steam, milk.
She decided, oh, it's a latte.
And I know I don't work at Starbucks,
but I think I frequent there enough to know.
You definitely frequent it enough to know.
Yeah, I do.
It's even more absurd now listening to Maria say
that stuff now, like at the time.
Yeah, there she is.
So apparently, here's the story, at least
from this first report about it.
The woman, according to the description,
she claims that she was trying to activate her Starbucks app
on her phone in order to pay.
She claims she did not hear the employees asking for her name
to be put on her cup.
And then it's believed that because Chen, the woman's name,
didn't hear the baristas, it may have set the manager off.
From there, the screaming match began.
That was the basic thing.
This article says she was fired, and then now this
is the actual, let's see, I guess the woman talked to somebody.
I want to hear what she said.
Yeah, me too.
She was suspended.
And then Maria came in.
And Maria ruined my life.
She's asking about Carmel Drizzle.
I don't even know what that is.
I don't know.
I just wanted to make a burp.
This employee is caught on camera
losing it with a customer.
While she is no longer employed by Starbucks,
she is telling her side of the story to Armie G. Hickey.
To what?
Do you OK?
Do you want to go out and get in?
This is the angry rant from an elmherous Queen Starbucks
employee that went viral.
No, no, no, no.
Bye, bye.
I mean, she really fucking goes overboard.
I have three beverages.
If it's, well, the morning, the morning, before noon,
it is a single bag of tea with three, or wake tea with three
inches of steamed soy and some three raw sugars.
And then you add a little bit of vanilla powder.
Yeah.
Makes sense.
The video begins with the employee screaming at the customer
seemingly over a Frappuccino cookie straw.
When the customer asked to speak to the manager,
the employee continues to yell, saying she is the manager.
The customer Ruby Chan wrote about the rant
on her Facebook page, which was posted on the PIX 11 page
and immediately got 750 shares with 250,000
reached and counting.
The Starbucks district manager then
offered the customer a $100 gift card.
Jeez.
It's like a ticking time bomb for me.
So I have been disrespected by customers all the time.
I was a lady.
This is not the first time.
I've had logs thrown at me.
Logs?
The employee, who would only give her name as Melissa,
says she quit and was not fired and said the video only
tells one side of the story.
She kept calling me names.
And then she took the Frappuccino straw
and she kept pointing it at my face.
So I was a point at it at my face.
My face.
Wonderful.
This is afternoon summer.
Then I do eventy decaf story, sugar-free,
caramel Frappuccino bite, both extra drizzle and easy wet.
Great job.
Already getting really upset, but then when
I started to step to the side, she
started getting a couple of other customers rolled up.
So I had five other men cursing me out.
Some start.
I feel like she's making up her story, this manager.
I didn't hear five other men cursing her out.
Brux customers were upset when they saw this employee rant.
From this video, I can't see the customer doing anything bad.
The customer performed just good.
I think they shouldn't treat any customer like that.
They shouldn't have like shawty.
Where the fuck did they record this?
This is in Vietnam.
Is that in Queens?
I thought I thought.
I didn't understand.
There's three people they've interviewed for their opinion.
And they've all not been able to.
OK.
All right.
That's a lot of stuff out there.
Yeah, that's that's that's that's like that.
I don't think that was a lot of stuff out there.
That's not a lot.
I like Starbucks.
I like a Starbucks.
I like it.
I haven't been a Starbucks.
I have a taste for you know.
Good Starbucks for a long time now.
You never I don't hear Asian people talking about Starbucks.
You really don't.
You really.
It's just not an Asian topic, you know.
Starbucks.
No, I would also like to get you're going to want to write this down.
By the way, it's cold.
Cold.
It's alive.
Decaf.
Soy.
Sugar-free caramel frappuccino light.
But it's extra, extra caramel drizzle all around the cup on the top of the bottle.
Sugar-free syrup, please.
Jesus.
Well, I understand after hearing Maria talk about fucking Starbucks
there in four different clips.
I can understand why somebody would flip out as a manager.
Oh, hey, I don't know if I've mentioned this before on the show.
But I think you have.
I've been a barista.
Also on the plane crash, KTVU has just learned the names of the four pilots
who were on board the flight.
They are Captain Sum Ting Wong, We Too Low, Ho Lee Fook, and Bang Ding Al.
Sorry, that was outside of Starbucks.
I'm sorry.
So you were a barista at Starbucks.
Did you deal with a lot of bullshit?
Summer of 1997, I believe.
How hard?
What were the worst customers like?
Um, I would really bothered me.
Were people who wanted you to do work that wasn't work for you to do.
For instance, the people who demanded I put in one and a half Splenda.
Oh, right.
Or like, what's the half about?
Like, it's bad enough you're making me put the Splenda in there for you.
Like, motherfucker, that's what the condiment bars for behind you.
But you want me to do like one and a half equal.
Go fuck yourself.
Yeah, figure it out.
That's what bothered me the most.
Or people shouldn't have like shawty at a statement.
That was the, that was more at the start of our people who demanded a certain
temperature degree.
There were people who were like, I love that a hundred and seventy degrees.
Oh, yeah, I've seen that.
Oh my God, come in and be like, oh, um, let me get that lot, that double
latte to go and make it 240, if you would.
Yeah, go fuck your 240.
Yeah.
Why don't you, why don't you enema yourself with this 240 degree lot?
Whoa.
And I, you have to stick the thermometer in there.
It's a real pain in the ass to get it to be perfect.
And then when they come back to 240 and you're like, OK, let's hear these
ladies talk more about Starbucks yourself.
I think they shouldn't treat any customer like that.
Yeah, they have a lot of my voice to a customer like that.
Oh, yeah.
Welcome to Vietnamese part 101.com's barefoot hop, the fastest, easiest
and most fun way to learn Vietnamese.
I took a sip right then.
Why did you do that to me?
I took a sip.
Did I get you?
You got almost fucking spit it out on the dog.
That was the best.
And Vietnamese is really not that easy to learn.
Not very easy.
She was like, babe, that means my name is.
That's not what that, how that goes.
There you go.
Now you got it.
Yeah, I thought you were, I didn't know you were really saying something.
Yeah, you're saying something.
That's a real thing.
You just said, yeah.
Here we go.
All right.
So I think I can win the bite.
Should I have like shawty at them?
A statement from Starbucks.
The customer's experience is not reflective of service our baristas provide.
The employee was immediately suspended and no longer works for Starbucks.
Our leadership team has reached out to the customer to make things right.
That now former Starbucks employee had worked here for five years.
She's 25 and she's now looking for another job from Elmhurst, Queens, McGee, Hickey.
Five years, a long time.
McGee Hickey is her name.
What kind of stupid name is that?
The thing is, is like this girl, that's a long time to work somewhere.
And she probably had worked her way up.
Yeah, she's managing it.
Yeah, company.
She's probably a student and this job is really important for her.
It sucks.
And now she's out of work.
Oh, no.
She's got to get another job.
It's not, not a cool.
I get it though.
Look, the public's the worst.
The public.
Yes.
Just in general.
All of it.
Working, working with the public.
That is the hardest.
It's the hardest thing.
Waiting tables.
We're going to Starbucks, cocktailing.
Any, any service industry is, it's impossibly hard.
I mad respect for people.
I think the worst is like customer service.
Like the people you call when you're angry.
That one, I can't even imagine what kind of patients you have to have to do that
for a living, right?
Yeah, it's pretty to be on the receiving end of all that abuse, just every day,
eight hours a day.
It, God bless them.
I mean, there's a lot, man.
Oh, or to work for like, um, fucking time Warner cable to be that person has
to take millions of calls about horrible at that services.
I heard that through my earphones.
She heard it, huh?
Um, well, it's real.
It's here.
Uh, as Christina said earlier, we hope your Cuban jeans are on.
Um, this is amazing.
This is really, really amazing.
Yeah.
It took us a few days just to get over it.
Like we're, it's so ridiculous that this happened.
I didn't think that this would come together this way, honestly.
Um, so if you're not caught up on what's going on on the show, you know, I
should tell you that we came together.
Christina and I did, you know, we're creative people.
We do this.
We do stand up.
We write, we also are musicians writers, producers, directors, dance
choreographers, models, skateboarders, you name it.
And we came up with this idea and we've been trying to put it into, you
know, existence into reality now of the Miami fart machine.
And the idea is that you take some of the great music of Gloria
Stefan and you layer it with a brown flute.
No, you can't control yourself any longer.
So that's really good.
It's one of the first hits there that we came up with.
Yeah.
Um, anyways, on the show, we played that and we reached out.
We, you know, we played a call we had with, um, we'll say someone like Gloria.
Right.
Should we just come out and say, listen, guys, we duped you.
Yeah, that time we said that was Gloria Stefan.
That was not Gloria Stefan.
Instead, that was the extremely talented impressionist, Melissa
via senior, you can find her on Twitter at Melissa V.
Here's how good Melissa is.
You know, she does like, I don't know, 20 characters.
She does Jaleigh, Jaleigh.
Oh, Haley Joel Osment.
All kinds of, she does rant like Bilbo Baggins.
Like she does people nobody does.
And like all impressionists, they have their go-tos.
Gloria's not even on hers.
No.
We, we pitched this to her and then like 48 hours later, she was doing
the call with us, which was, and she was great.
And she had a lot of people fooled actually a lot, a lot of people,
a lot of people and she was very funny and she came up with some
ridiculous lines that we had no clue she was going to do.
It was unbelievable.
So yeah, Melissa's fantastic.
We played that call and then we said in the call that we were waiting
to hear back from Gloria.
Yeah.
And a few weeks later, we did a thing where we asked you guys to tweet
Gloria about what's going on with the Miami fart machine is just
going to go on tour or not.
Dude, within 24 hours, she was tweeting like, what's up with this?
What's going on?
And since, since I was tagged in a lot of the tweets, I tweeted her.
Hey, could you send me a direct message and I'll let you know.
And she said, yep, she followed me.
I let her know what was going on.
And I said, do you want to hear the audio?
And she said, yes.
So I sent her the audio.
We got, we got Gloria Stefan's email address.
Yeah.
That she sent me her email.
I said, can I email you more?
She said, yes, I emailed her.
And then I said, can we set up a call?
And she said, yes.
Well, here's the thing though, is that when Gloria Stefan.
Is cool enough to agree to listen to the abomination.
That is the Miami fart machine.
We were like, do we send her the whole call of Melissa impersonating her?
Like, or just, just the track of the smash hit song.
So we sent Melissa's impression of her and the song and just crossed our
fingers that she would be cool with it.
Um, it's, it's something we do every day.
I don't know if everybody can put this like in wrapped her head around, but
just to kind of give you an idea of, do you understand the caliber of artists
we're dealing with here?
Just, just let me read this to you real quick.
As Stefan is one of the world's best selling music artists of all time with
an estimated 100 million records sold worldwide, including 31.5 million sold
in the U.S. alone.
She is the most successful, successful crossover act to date because she had
her, all her success in Spanish and then flipped it to English and became
even more successful.
So crazy.
Yeah.
She's on the list of like greatest artists of all time.
Um, she's also super savvy business woman, like really, really on top of it.
So it's, it's really crazy.
Um, she is wildly, wildly successful.
And this, this would be, you know, the equivalent of farting on, you know, like
a Whitney Houston and song, uh, rest in peace and her being like, yeah, let's
talk about it.
Yeah.
So it's just amazing that she would, um, entertain this.
So anyways, yeah, I just can't believe she was down to even read the message to
even be a part of this lunacy.
Yeah.
I thought we were going to have a little fun, get some tweets, maybe get one, one
tweet, but I was happy when we saw the like, what's up with this?
Yeah.
I saved it.
I retweeted it.
I thought it was great.
Um, it's absolutely crazy.
This happened.
Hello.
Wow.
Raina Gloria.
What's going on?
This is Tom and Christine.
I gather.
Yes, it is.
Correct.
Thank you so much for your, for your call.
Well, you're, you're very welcome.
It's just that, you know, the other day, I, first of all, you got some
hardcore fanage going on out there and, uh, they made me aware of a fabulous
podcast that I immediately went to listen to, which is your podcast.
Mom's house.
That's right.
Your mom's house.
Correct.
Yes.
All right.
So I, I listened in because they said that there was something about my song and,
and that it was going to be great and all this incredible.
And then to my wonderment and surprise, I hear myself supposedly or someone
impersonating me rather on your show.
What?
You mean that, that wasn't you?
No, did that sound like me to you?
Uh, I, you know, I thought it was pretty close.
Wait, so you're saying you didn't write the Congo while you were taking a bath?
No, I did not.
The Congo was actually written in Utrecht, Holland.
When we were, uh, promoting a song there, our first song that went to number one in
Europe called Dr. B, way back in 1984.
And, uh, we were in this little club in the middle of nowhere and Emilio had
brought his accordion.
Emilio is my husband and manager.
And, uh, you know, like I joined his band, the Miami Latin boys in 1975,
believe it or not.
And, uh, yeah, baby.
And when they were, so we're there and we're performing and, uh, we ran out of
material and they were saying, we want more, we want more in their Dutch way.
And, uh, so Emilio whipped out his accordion and said, let's do these old
Cuban pong guys that we used to play at our gig days in the weddings and
bar mitzvahs and whatnot.
And I said, well, that's crazy.
These people don't speak Spanish and he said, well, so what?
They don't speak English either.
So who cares?
And I go through, very true.
So we sang these legit old Cuban pong guys.
And then when we were standing back, you know, at three o'clock in the morning,
waiting to get picked up to go back to the hotel, I said to my drummer, you know,
we should write a song that talks about this rhythm and, uh, do it in English.
So people can understand where it is this thing comes from.
And he wrote it on the tray table of the plane, flying from Holland to England.
You got to be kidding me.
Uh, can I?
So I was very surprised to hear that it was in the shower that I wrote.
Now, can I ask you when you, when you guys like you write that, like
on the tray table, uh, the first time you like run through it, do you have any
idea, like, do you feel this is a great one?
This is a hit.
Do you know that immediately?
I feel it.
I mean, I always feel it.
I was the ballads I call my sister and sing them to her to see if it'll pass the
cry test, because if she starts balling, then I know I have a good, a good hit on
my hand, but usually there's a feeling that something is going on.
And, uh, hopefully, you know, it turns out to be right.
But yeah, you kind of feel it.
And I heard that you have some kind of rendition.
Yeah.
I mean, um, well, I sent over the, the version that I think you heard, it's,
it's, it's your song, but I guess you could say it's with a twist, right?
Like, um, did you, did you hear that version?
I listened, I listened to it.
Oh, is that the brown flute you said you were playing?
Yeah.
That was the brown flute.
I learned it in, uh, Oyantaytambo in Peru and I studied for years there.
And then, yeah, I got better at it, as you could see.
Um, wow, you studied for years to do that.
Well, what did you think of his technique, Gloria?
Well, I thought, I thought it was very interesting.
I thought, I mean, how does he prepare?
Does he eat massive quantities of beans or something of this nature?
I do.
I, I, I do carbonated drinks.
I do beans, um, sometimes, uh, a beer or two.
And then it gets the instrument ready.
And then it's just, you know, go for it.
I just go for it.
Now, is there an actual instrument involved that you attach somewhere?
Or is this just you?
This is, this is just me.
This is my equivalent of, you know, like you, it'd be like you saying, you know,
I just got my pipes, I walk up to the mic and I sing.
I do pretty much the same thing.
And do you use a very short mic stand when you're performing in the city?
Yeah, it's pretty short.
Oh yeah, it is pretty short.
Yeah, that's true.
Absolutely.
Uh-huh.
Well, you know, I've been in your beautiful country in Peru and of all the
incredible flute playing I heard, that was not one of them.
Oh, and what's your take on this?
I mean, I feel like, I know, first of all, not only are you, you're an amazing
artist and musician, but you're a brilliant business woman.
Do you see potential for the Miami fart machine to go around the world and just
to basically pick up some cash?
Well, you know, um, I hate to break your bubble, burst your bubble, but the Miami
fart machine exists already.
It's my band after the catering fed them beans.
And there were that rendition has already been performed in stages across the world.
And only I was privy.
Of course, the audience never caught wind of it, if you know what I mean.
But I certainly suffered through the entire performance, especially when I got
close to the horn players.
Have you walked into fart clouds in shows that happens, right?
That have I was like walked into somebody like you're on stage, you're in the middle
of a song, and then you basically walk into somebody's fart, like into their
fart. Of course, that's what I'm telling you.
Yeah, OK, I practically banned, I banned cauliflower, broccoli, beans.
I banned all that from catering because I like to wander around the stage when
I'm performing, you know, touch base with my band.
And I got to tell you that, yes, that had happened to me on many, many occasions.
So you're saying we're late to the party then. Yeah, we're just, you know.
Oh, my gosh, you're a little late, you're a little late.
Although I must say that if you were, if I were just, you know, for, you know,
just imagining that you were to come and perform that on the road with me,
I would imagine because, you know, we are artists.
We demand a certain level of authenticity.
Right. We would demand that you play that live, you know,
because I have a feeling that when you recorded that, you use Pro Tools or
something. I can't believe you're calling me out on that.
That's really something. Well, it's got to be because you didn't even have time
to reload. It's like every other note is being that's just physically
impossible as far as I could see.
Well, you haven't seen me perform.
Let's just say that I would love to get the opportunity to show you some time.
Well, Christina, you know, my condolences to you.
I know because I can just imagine him practicing for a performance.
Oh, yeah, it's a story of my life at home. Yeah, all the time.
Now, Gloria, real quick, two things.
One is that we shoot our pilot next week for our TV show.
If we get picked up to series, can we do an episode about the Miami
fart machine with you?
Fine with me.
Yeah. Listen, I listen.
I grew up around musicians and I had a teenage son at one point.
He's older now, but I that is a very, very clear experience in my life
with the boys in the band and my kids.
So and then most definitely would be my pleasure.
Secondly, I wanted to ask first, I mean, I want to thank you profusely
for your time and for responding.
You're the coolest.
I never would have imagined this was so unexpected.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, it's so cool.
But what do you have?
Because you we exchange an email, a Broadway show premiering,
because I've seen others tell us about that.
I'm actually, yeah, we just landed in Chicago right now on June 2nd.
It opens here.
The preview plan is on your feet and it's very autobiographical.
And I'm sure that if you come and sit in the pit, you will experience,
you know, what you have done with your Miami partner.
He's quite a bit, but yeah, we're super psyched.
It's going to be it debuts on Broadway and previews on October 5th.
And November 5th is the official opening on Broadway at the Marquis Theater.
And oh, my God, we're we're beside ourselves.
We're super happy and so we're super excited.
So thank you for allowing me to talk about that.
Oh, please, the fact that, you know,
definitely your song is a big hit from what I see all your fans.
Yeah, I want to know.
I want to know Emilio's thoughts.
If you don't mind at some point, please please share the song with him.
You want to you want to know the I mean, I'm going to put them on right now.
He has copyright issues.
Hold on.
Hi, Tom. Hi, Emilio.
How are you?
How are you?
I just want to check what key.
What key do you see the song?
Well, you know, I try to say I try to say you have to listen.
You have to be able to turn your thing.
Oh, yeah, I'm working on it, man.
You know, I'm working on it.
I'm trying to get it.
I want to make sure you're thinking for copyright.
In case you want to use in a documentary or something.
Absolutely. I want to know the key.
Yeah, I think I think it's G, but I'm not really sure.
I'm going to work on it.
You know what I think is best?
I'm going to Florida in November.
I'll just swing by the offices and we'll work out out there.
Come say hello and listen.
Thank you so very so much.
I mean, Gloria, we've been having a lot of fun.
All you fans love you very much as you and your wife and, you know,
and we're big fans and thank you for doing this.
This is great.
You are.
I want to make sure that I learn how to play in the piano, the part
so that I know the key so that you would go back and tell me the key.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Yes. And by the way, we really enjoyed you on that that great hotel show.
We you were you were featured in that Miami episode and it was awesome.
You were fantastic in it.
That's great.
I mean, thank you so much.
And I want to come for glory, buddy.
I just want to give you a big hope that you are seen in the north.
That's all the best to you.
All the love on the show.
Mucha. Yes. OK.
Hey, do you guys have kids yet?
No, just dogs.
Just we just got ready.
Yeah, they're going to stage you on that on your little talent there.
All right. Well, yeah, we'll we'll we'll try to teach them a few things
before they teach us.
And I hope and I hope you watch your underwear thoroughly after your performance
because I would not want Christine to have to deal with that.
Yeah, I know. It's terrible. It's terrible.
Gloria, thank you so much for your time with this.
I am I'm having a lawyer draft up some paperwork just for clearance stuff.
And then I will what I'll do is I'll all kind of map out the tour.
And then I'll make sure. OK.
And then by the way, how are we going to split the gate?
That's one thing we haven't talked about yet.
Are we going to do like a 60 40 split?
Like, how will that work?
Well, I'll have to talk to the other writer, you know, Kiki Garcia.
I'm sure he's going to have something to say about it,
although he was one of the culprits, one of the big culprits in being,
you know, the first to do what you did.
But it's right up our alley.
Let's see, you know, at times are tough.
We can't be given away any little slice of anything that we can get.
So OK, we'll talk. We'll talk about it.
We'll talk. It's wonderful. OK.
We'll talk because, you know, the song is actually done.
I know you've added your creative vision.
But yes, in essence, if you know what I mean, it's kind of done.
So we'll see. We'll talk about what you feel like it's a remix,
but it's pretty it's pretty noteworthy of a remix, you know what I mean?
A remix. It's more like a refried mix.
It's very true. Let's see what you'll get for that. OK.
All right. We'll work it out.
You're the best. You're the best, Gloria.
Thank you so much.
Hey, hug to both of you.
And congrats on your pilot.
Thank you so much. Thank you, Gloria.
All right. Take care.
Ciao. Bye bye.
And I want to see who did me.
Who did me? Who was she?
Oh, Melissa Villaseñor.
I'm going to have her send you an email or a tweet if that's all right.
And then. OK.
Well, my lawyers will be drawing up
to send to her. OK.
We're violating my persona here.
Did you like her impression?
She she she hadn't done it before.
She learned she tried it like the day before she tried, you know.
Well, you know, it was OK.
But man, she was a little bit too laid back there, you know?
You get you got you got to you got to go for the throat.
Someone's copying your stuff.
All right. I'll let her know.
I'll let her know for sure.
Tell her to get ready.
All right. OK. All right.
Thanks. Bye, Gloria. Bye bye.
Bye. I mean, are you I I can't I still can't get over it.
I can't get over it.
How cool are Gloria and Emilio a step on?
What doesn't get any better?
They were so cool about this.
You know, the real lesson is here. Oh, my God.
Two things. Yeah.
One, this show does have the best fans.
Absolutely. When you guys wait, we've done this kind of stuff.
You know, you guys got us brace when we when we wanted brace
a couple of years ago, you guys got brace to respond.
Fuck off. Get the fuck out and don't come back.
You guys went after him.
We had brace on during the first season of Jigolo.
This is before he did any press. Yeah.
We've done it with other people, but you guys listeners.
Thank you for making that happen.
The other thing.
There's just no words to describe
how cool Gloria and Emilio stuff on our dude.
How how funny was she?
They're so great.
How amazing was that that they had the the best sense of humor about it?
I'll tell you this, too. Oh, my God.
This is a definite bias, but I really feel like
it's because they're cool Latino.
I think so, too.
I actually thought like, I mean, I have a suit.
Yeah, I have super bias on it, but they are fun people, man.
Why so fun? What is it?
Because I don't know.
There's just a certain like they they they find joy in in life.
They're just, you know, they they thought it was funny.
They thought it was silly.
They like, you know, this is they don't need a call into our podcast,
but like they did not thought it was a good time.
She goes, it's a refried remix hilarious.
I can't believe it.
And she I still can't believe it.
She said we're going to talk about chopping up the gate
and we're going to consult with other people.
And then how about the story of how Congo was really written on a fucking plane?
Crazy, crazy.
It's insane.
I mean, I was a kid when we were both children, when that song came out.
Yeah.
But I think if you were alive and that song came out,
there was no escaping that song.
No, it was tremendous.
And she had so many other hits, too.
I mean, oh, yeah, Jesus Christ.
Talk about a career.
Yeah, the career is crazy.
What is that? I'm trying to think of that other get on your feet.
Yeah. And that's the name of her her Broadway specials on your feet.
So if you're in the Chicago neighborhood,
that's for the preview. Oh, the preview.
So Broadway preview is going to run next month in June.
OK, in Chicago, in Chicago.
And then they go to Broadway in October.
Crazy. Yeah.
Just unbelievable.
Oh, and the but the but the other big one.
Rhythm is going to get you.
Rhythm is going to get you.
Yeah, we were finding a way.
Remember, we were looking at that song to try to put farts on that.
Well, I think that's next.
Rhythm is going to get you.
I think so.
Tonight.
Yeah, that's a pretty.
All the way, all the way.
Yeah. What do you think?
Yeah.
And then she sings that song.
Anything for you, but you're not here.
Did I sound just like her?
That sounded really good.
That was really good.
And they have that hotel in Miami, too, right?
Yeah, well, they she has all kinds of business holdings, man.
Smart. She's on top of it.
She's a smart lady, smart lady.
Those Cubans, I'm telling you, Ricky Ricardo, too.
Smart Cuban.
Here we go. Ready?
I'm ready.
They own several Cuban themed restaurants.
Bongo's Cubans Cafe, La Dios on the Beach.
They're looking at it in Miami Beach, downtown Miami.
Also, I believe at the Seminole Seaman Hole Hardcock.
Hey, you know.
They're in Walt Disney World, blah, blah, blah.
Miami International.
They own two hotels.
Crazy.
One in Miami Beach, one in Vero Beach.
Let's see, Estefan was appointed
board directors of Univision Communications.
Oh, my Lord, are you ready for this next sentence?
The Estefan's estimated net worth as of 2011
was approximately seven hundred million dollars.
Love it.
In 2009, her and her husband became the first Hispanics
to buy an ownership stake in the NFL team, the Miami Dolphins.
So they're also part of this.
And they're a husband and wife duo like they are.
They're like they wear their jeans to mommy's one jeans.
That's what they do.
The Estefan jeans, the Estefan jeans.
Yep. Yeah, they're awesome.
But I like that.
I like their story, man.
They're immigrants.
So they that's why they have a Broadway show.
It's going to be the story about them together.
So cool, man.
That was the coolest thing that's ever happened on the show, I think.
Yeah, it is one of the most unexpected, cool things.
Because, you know, you never know with a star as big as Herb,
she's going to be cool.
You know, you think you think Garth Brooks
is going to take our call of the Miami Fart Machine.
I mean, I don't think so.
I don't know.
I don't think Garth would do that.
Garth isn't like he's not down with us
the way the way that other people are.
You know, guys, tweet Gloria and tell her,
thank you for coming on our show.
Yeah, please. Please do.
Please thank her and tell her how cool she was for doing it,
because that was really special.
She did not have to do that.
I like that.
Yeah, she's a big star.
She doesn't need to to mess with us, but she did.
Unbelievable, unbelievable.
One of the coolest moments on the show by far.
It looks like they also have a rum.
Are you serious?
Yeah, she's and she's got two kids.
I think she said she had a teenage son.
I thought she said she had two.
I don't know.
Unbelievable.
I don't see it, but yeah.
Yep, it's pretty pretty crazy.
You know, Tuckered out like the puppy.
It's been a long day.
That was exciting.
And then now you're tuckered out.
Yeah, it wore me out, right?
I know.
There's a lot of excitement going on in this house,
the glorious stuff on and the puppy.
And tomorrow I go get my hair did for our for our pilot.
So we have fresh.
I'm excited for that because we can finally say
we're shooting our pilot next week.
You know, based on mom's house.
That's it.
So I get my hair did tomorrow.
And then when I get back, I have a little bit of time
and then I go work out to go get nice and strong.
Yeah.
And then I have a show tomorrow night.
And then, yeah, far around.
What do you do for your workout?
Does he have you get into a river
and then you hunt the wild salmon out of the river
with your teeth?
And then does he have you do things like scratch on trees?
Dig through garbage.
And then he goes, dig through that garbage, bear.
It's what about when you get the honeycomb
and it's got tons of bees.
And then he's like, just bite into a bear.
Let those bees sting you.
Let those bees sting you.
I'm not a bear.
This came into the show a lot, speaking of farts.
This is a seven tone fart symphony.
I love this.
Let me tell you, this came in and I watched this video
and it tickled me so thoroughly.
Now, part of the brilliance of this
is that there's a copy that comes up at certain points
throughout the video.
So I'll read the copy as the person who made this video
attended.
This is the greatest fart I ever did.
And it says, at this point, it says,
I love the laugh after always, always says,
what's so special about that?
Listen again.
Now it says, let's slow that down.
That is a major seventh arpeggio
in the key of B-flat with a trill at the end.
Then it shows you the notes.
Here it is played by a flute and again by my butt.
Then I pull this composition up.
It is my magnum anus, my rectum opus.
That's really good.
Where was this guy?
Where was this guy when we recorded Miami Fart Machine?
Yeah, he could have really helped us.
This is we're going to post on the site.
This is so good.
Did you post this?
Yeah.
Your mom'shousepodcast.com, the clips page.
We'll get that up there.
Really neat work.
Thank you, sir.
Unbelievable.
The world is a magical place, Tom.
You never know what's going to happen.
Never know.
It is amazing.
You could hear a fart that has a song to it.
You could talk to Gloria Estefan on our show.
About farts.
About farts of all horrible things.
Yeah.
Man, that is good stuff.
That is life.
It is.
It is, man.
Brrr.
Man, meh, meh.
The time to be honest, Jeans.
About?
Truth is, I feel like I haven't gone a while now.
What do you mean?
I need to get my foofies checked.
OK.
But how long has it been?
Well, I guess for some reason, I've
been in my mind waiting for them because they've
set up appointments before for us.
And I'm like, oh, they'll call me for that next cleaning.
But I feel like it's definitely been over six months now.
Well, here's what I do.
When I get my cleaning done, I make the appointment six months
from then.
But I feel like I did that.
But I haven't heard.
I don't think you did, because I remember asking.
Really?
We just got to call, Jeans.
Because I had to switch mine around,
because it was going to be next week, and we can't,
because we're shooting.
Well, I need to do it.
And I'm putting it out there so that I'm held accountable.
Yeah, you should do it, man.
As much as we talk about it on our show,
for me to go without it now?
Can I tell you what's really alarming to me
is I have to replace a crown.
And I really don't want to do that,
because that's like $1,500.
It's going to be fucking annoying.
You know what I mean?
I'm not in the mood for it, but I got to do it.
Otherwise, it's going to be another root canal.
Well, listen, we also got this email from a dental update.
Hey, guys, I've been listening to your podcast
about six months, and in that time,
my dental hygiene game has gone from average to beyond fleek.
I used to just brush in the mornings and before bed.
I use mouthwash every morning, floss semi-weekly.
And of course, I'd see my dentist every six months.
That's all in the past.
Nowadays, I brush damn near every time I pass the bathroom.
With a brush time, it's gone from a few seconds
to a few minutes.
I keep mouthwashing my car, and I floss daily.
Next month, when I see my dentist,
I'm asking him which high and electronic toothbrush
he recommends.
Why the drastic change, you might ask?
Well, it's because you dicks have made me paranoid
about dad mouth.
I'm 34 and have a four-year-old son.
You guys have made me hyper-aware of my potential
for shit mouth whenever I'm close to him.
It's especially bad during bedtime stories.
Ascent really is the strongest sense tied to memory.
Then the last thing I want is for him to grow up,
get stuck in traffic behind a garbage truck in July,
and has a flashback of me reading him Good Night Moon.
So thanks for helping me become a better parent.
Love you, mommies.
Joe, PS, dear mommy Tina.
While I think wipegate was blown way out of proportion,
your stance on peanut butter is fucking barbaric.
Shaky cheese all the way, though.
Well, well, well.
So answer to that shit.
So amazing.
I'm so glad we're helping one dad at a time.
One dad at a time.
One dad mouth at a time.
Can dad mouth happen in your 30s, though?
I feel like-
I think as soon as you're a parent, it can happen.
Dad mouth is completely possible.
It's the moment that your wife pops the baby out
of her vagine and-
The moment your-
Your breath just gets ranked.
Yep.
The moment you're a parent,
your mouth just starts to disintegrate.
Sewer.
It just turns into dad sewer.
Yeah, it might as well start pissing in your mouth.
See, I was under the impression
that dad mouth started later,
but now that I think back on my years with my dad,
I feel like dad mouth has just always been there.
And dad dumps.
We need to come, dad dumps too.
Dad dumps are way different than regular people dumps.
Right?
Why are dad dumps so bad?
Because they're dudes and they eat trash
and they've been on earth longer.
That's why.
You know, when you first smell your dad's shit,
your dad is probably 30 years old.
His rotting body is just, it's falling apart
and he drinks beer and eats steaks.
Yeah, that's my dad.
Yeah, it's like a fucking garbage truck.
That's what your dad is.
I know, I know what it is.
So it's the festering intestines of dad dumps
and the stink works its way up into his esophagus
into dad mouth.
And it's 30 years longer than you've been,
like, that's the thing.
If you've ever gone someplace that's been abandoned
for years, just run down.
It's dumpster.
That's your dad's body.
It's a run down fucking trash compost.
I picture my dad's body.
Yeah, like a.
Your dad's inside.
Like a garbage dump.
He just eats coal boss and he drinks.
It's no, it's sausage and sausage,
fresco and beer for the last 68 years of his life.
Come on.
Yeah, imagine what those intestines look like and head cheese.
Head cheese, sausage, fresco, beer
and horseradish.
He's an absolute savage.
He's an animal.
I don't know how he's still kicking.
I'm playing God.
He is knock on, you know, cheese.
Yeah, but I remember, man, my dad used to drink
a lot more beer back in the day.
And he, he gets up, my poor father, you know,
he works as, he works as a forklift.
He had a forklift business his whole life
and he would wake up at the crack of dawn like six a.m.
and just take that beer dump.
And I remember like that smell just wafts
from under the bathroom door.
It would waft like down the hall until like my room
and like, oh, my dad's taking a shit this morning.
Like it, his dumps would wake me up.
My dad's dumps are on.
Of course the whole world knows about them.
Yeah, his, his dumps.
What do they smell like?
I remember smelling like,
I remember walking into a bathroom after my dad's shit
when I was a kid and just being like,
that smells unlike anything I've ever smelled.
It didn't smell like my shit.
It didn't smell like my siblings.
It didn't smell like my mother's.
It's dad dumps.
It was so much more intense.
And it was so much more rotten and powerful.
I mean, they really, really stunk, man.
And I think too,
because our dads are from that generation
that doesn't drink water and doesn't believe
in consuming vegetables of any kind.
It smelled, it really smelled like a dead animal.
And like, and it smelled like poison.
It smelled like rotting poison.
Napalm, the napalm shit.
Oh my God, it burned.
And I was like, oh, it smelled unhealthy.
That's the best way to describe it.
It smelled like something is wrong.
Every shit of my dad smells like something's wrong.
Ah, dad dumps.
Hey, you're a philosopher.
What do you think of this right here?
Tell us what you're thought on this.
Sure.
Thoughts by Duane Thomas.
It was only the need to know to me.
If I don't need to,
if you don't have anything to do with what I'm doing,
there's no need to me actually knowing.
So when it came up to someone asked me
whether I knew something or not,
I said, well, I don't know that.
As opposed to, well, let me say, well, let me think.
Let me get you my opinion.
You're not asking my opinion.
You're asking me whether I actually knew something
or not.
So I was practicing on being as precise as possible
and answering exactly what you asked me
as opposed to coming in with something else
that you're not asking me.
You understand?
Nope.
Well, that was given to me.
I was given to me on a flash.
By the way, that's the coolest thing.
Yeah.
When someone's like, I got a great clip for you.
This guy gave me a flash drive.
Can I play this on that Z-brow?
You absolutely can.
That's amazing.
He gave us a note too.
Hey, mommies, I've been trying for the last year
to get this clip to you.
I searched on the internet, couldn't find it anywhere.
It's from an old NFL bloopers DVD
that went missing amongst a group of my friends.
I got it back.
I ripped it, put it on this,
what you're one of the few people
that hold the copies of this exact clip.
I feel like it speaks for itself.
I've watched it a hundred times.
Can't figure out what the fuck he's saying.
You know what I'm saying?
Even more so, what was the question?
Hope you mommies enjoy.
Looking forward to your set.
Oh, he came to a Denver show
and he's looking forward to seeing you, he says, in June.
Peace, Love and Farts, Ben Milo.
Or Milhau, how do you, M-E-A-L-H-O-W, Milho?
Milho, Milho.
Milho, thanks for that, Ben.
Thanks, Ben.
I'll tell you what I think's going on.
Sure, I think I kind of know.
I think what's going on here is what he's trying to say
is that he only,
because I can, when you put it in football terms,
it starts to make more sense to me.
He only knows and cares about what his assignment is
on each play.
So in other words, let's say he's a defensive back
and they go, well, on this coverage,
when they're doing this,
do you know what that guy's supposed to do?
And he's like, no, because I only focus on
what I'm supposed to do.
I'm supposed to cover the guy that comes over the flat,
or if there's nobody there,
then I drop back into double coverage with this guy.
If you're asking me what anybody else,
if it doesn't pertain to my assignment,
then my answer is I don't know,
because I'm not gonna put extra information in there
if it doesn't affect me.
Now, I didn't understand a lot of what you just said
in terms of football things,
but I think the essence of what you're saying is
he's going to admit to what he does not know,
and what he does not know is what he does not know,
rather than a sense of knowledge.
By Duane Thomas.
It was only the need to know the man.
If I don't need to,
if you don't have anything to do
with what I'm doing,
there's no need to me actually knowing.
So when it came up to someone asking me
whether I knew something or not,
and I said, well, I don't know that,
as opposed to, well, let me see,
well, let me think, let me get you my opinion.
You're not asking my opinion,
you're asking me whether I actually knew something or not.
So I was practicing on being as precise as possible
and answering exactly what you asked me,
as opposed to coming in with something else
that you're not asking me.
Yeah, I think it's the admittance of what you don't know.
It's as simple as saying, I don't know the answer,
as opposed to, well, let me fucking try
to bend my brain around it.
Right, and just say something for the sake of speaking.
But he's also, it's a good thing,
it's a thing about.
Sure, it's actually kind of makes sense.
It's also, I'm not going to allow other information
that doesn't affect my job.
To get in the way of that and cloud my thinking.
Exactly.
I like that.
I want to hear more about that, guys.
This is Duane Thomas.
Duane, I like you.
Duane Thomas.
All right, Jeans.
Can I add one more thing to our dad dumps and dad mouth?
Of course.
What about mom slobbers?
Mom slobbers.
Yeah, those tits don't really start to hang
until you become a mom.
I mean, there's big tits out there,
but nothing like mom slobbers.
Mom slobbers are a whole new level of slobs.
Cause after you breastfeed,
I'm assuming is when they start to hang.
They look like grapefruits.
Tell us about your mom slobbers
if you're listening.
Oh, I like my mom has the biggest slobbers.
She's just, since I've known her,
they've always been big and hanging,
like Nat Geo, titties, you know?
And huge, just double Ds her whole life.
Yeah, my mom's got big fucking tits.
Yeah.
Yeah, real big tits.
But have you seen them brawless?
Have you ever seen them unleashed?
I've seen them unleashed, but covered.
In other words, like in pajamas.
Or you see them like kind of hanging
around the waistline kind of thing.
But I've never seen like, you know,
mom slobs.
Not nude, no.
I will say my mom, all things, all things,
all things considered.
She used to wear just a tube top
and a skirt around the house.
And for a woman in her 40s,
her slobs hang pretty high.
They hung pretty high.
She had a nice rack on her despite breastfeeding me.
But you know, now I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, they're jigglers.
If you had like, you know,
some real mom slobs on you,
would you get them lifted?
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm so against plastic surgery.
You're against it?
Well, just perpersonally, not for other people.
Like if you really feel badly by yourself,
change it, of course.
But I don't know, we'll have to cross that bridge,
you know, if they're really fucked up.
Not fucked up.
But let's say they just, they rest
like just below your waist, you know?
Depends how old I am.
Like if they did that now,
then I'd be like, yeah, I should probably,
I need help.
I would lift them, but I wouldn't add any meat.
No, I would have them.
Yeah, I would have them deflate the meat actually,
if they could.
There's so much meat.
I'd have deflate our marriage if you deflated the meat.
Get out of here.
They're so big.
To go out, I mean, we played it a few weeks ago.
We might have even played it last week.
We gave a sample today,
but do you think because Gloria was on this episode,
we should go out on the Miami fart machine?
I would love that.
Yeah, I feel like it should.
I still can't believe she came on.
We played it before, but I mean,
look, this Gloria Steffan was on this episode,
so there's no way around it.
No, special.
Jeans, thank you guys for helping us make that happen.
And a huge thank you to Gloria and Emilio Steffan
for making time for your mom's house.
And Melissa Villesignore.
Oh my God, Melissa Villesignore is amazing.
At Melissa V Comedy, guys, check her out.
Send Melissa a tweet and tell her how much
you loved her impression as well,
because she really did a killer job.
Yeah, she's amazing, amazing talent.
All right, well, we'll be back next week.
Probably won't have a multi-platinum award selling
Grammy-winning artists, but we'll have fun next week too.
So thanks for listening, Jeans.
Love you, mommies.
Love you.
Bye, Jeans.
-♪ Come on, shake your body, baby, do the切-cache-cache-cache-cat-cache軟-확ish-cache-cache,
-"you can control yourself any longer!"
Come on, shake your body, baby, do the chines,
Brrrrr crats!
çev-quack, hah?
Come on, shake your body, baby, do the craches,
gonna know you can control yourself any longer.
Feel the rhythm of the music, getting stronger.
Don't chip out until you try to do that longer beat.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm-mm.
Mm.
ть
Tr용, tr tackling.
$0.
Woo.
Yes.
Let's
make
our body
gathering round now.
Let your body feel the heat.
Don't you worry
if you can't dance.
Let the music move your feet.
The rhythm
are behind
and that sugar can't go sweet.
Oh,
if you want to
do the form that you
got to listen to the music.
Come on, shake your body,
do the form that I know.
You can dance with your soul,
it's getting longer.
The rhythm is getting stronger.
Come on, shake your body,
do the form that I know.
Use the fire
of desire
as you dance, not away.
Come on.
Put the knife with
your body,
so you see the break of day.
Better get yourself
together
and go talk to what you got.
Want the music
of your system
that's the way you're going to stop.
Come on, shake your body,
do the form that I know.
You can dance with your soul,
it's getting longer.
The rhythm is getting stronger.
Come on, shake your body,
do the form that I know.
You can dance with your soul,
it's getting longer.
The rhythm is getting stronger.
Come on, shake your body,
do the form that I know.
Come on, shake your body,
do the form that I know.
Come on, shake your body,
do the form that I know.
Don't begin getting drunk,
don't start a tea,
come on, shake your body,
do the form that I know.
Come on, shake your body,
do the form that I know.
declare war with you
war
Don't begin getting drunk,
don't start a tea,
come on, shake your body,
do the form that I know
Come on, shake your body,
do the form that I know