Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Happy HatesGiving-319-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 25, 2015

Happy HatesGiving, MOMMY! As is tradition on this show we'll do our best to offend you for the holiday!  Do you have an incurable neurological disorder? Is English not your first language? Do you not look like us? Do you live somewhere that isn't Los Angeles? Hopefully we hit you below the belt! The Persian Lady who has left Tina countless messages about the desert and sharia laws has, you guessed it, left MORE messages. What the hell is she saying in Farsi?!? We encourage you to EAT WHAT YOU WANT for Thanksgiving. Is turkey not your thing? Push back against the man and get a steak or a hot dog - whatever you desire, Mommy. PLUS we have audio of TINA SNORING (LOUDLY), a crazy escort talks about her "job" AND a HUGE announcement that involves Tommy and one of the greatest rappers of ALL TIME. 

it's Thanksgiving week I am thankful for my mommies all the little genes out there who wear them so high and so tight thank you thank you for listening to the show we got some big news big announcements coming up like chips in a bowl worthy oh yeah cats eating kibble even more I got a new one for you wow there's a lot going on also New Year's Eve I'm doing the Brea improv I'm doing the rest of that weekend too so come out to the Brea improv New Year's and see me do shows I think I have five or six shows there the full charge will be with me it'll be a lot of fun and then I've already I have some shows on sale for

January downtown Denver comedy works doing a number of shows there and a couple weeks later in LA people always ask me when you do an LA shows I'm doing flappers comedy club in Burbank, California those are all on sale Tom Segura dot com go to the shows page jeans well I am not performing until I pump this why what's your deal what's your problem three weeks until this kid pops out of me until then I am housebound more or less but I do record that's deep row so check that podcast out that's deep row podcast beautiful all good jeans on hurt it it kind of went right like it growled at you wasn't

good what do you can I predict your fart are we gonna have to do I guess my brown in the middle of the show today we haven't even opened the show yet let's open it okay let's do it don't bring anyone loving to this welcome to your mom's house with Tom so I just looked over I caught you at a candid moment like you were really feeling it like you were legit feeling it's the best opening of any podcast themes on you really felt it you're feeling yourself there a little bit I did I felt it

let's talk about the fart that happened before the clip babe what the fart before the clip well yeah you farted and you looked worried did I yeah what did I look like you look like you're about to show your pants no I didn't yeah you did it's you you think it's just like time to you want to yeah you just had lunch with me do you think you're gonna shit in the next couple hours no well you gotta make a note of it we gotta remember to catch listeners up on this yeah I don't think so I do I do think I'm gonna have an evening shift I'm working out at six oh yeah it's gonna be a I predict you're not gonna hold this one until you're no you're gonna ship before your work you're gonna shit during the show right after really yeah what's it gonna be this morning

I know you had oatmeal we just you had eggs you had bacon and we just had lunch I saw what you had for lunch it was a turkey patty you're you're gonna get whites this is gonna be a fruit this is gonna be this is gonna be a five why because it's just all healthy no not healthy it's all eggs it's all an eggs egg whites makes you shit I had egg whites does it for you and where we had those eggs they're kind of runny and greasy they're not running not running but greasy and greasy greasy I saw what you ate it's a five oh man there's so much to get into here now the opening clip was that porn or Tourette's that was Tourette's I have such a soft sweet spot for Tourette's I really enjoy it we it's one of the most classic classic jeans episodes ever of the show big words that's where

that came from yeah big words say swears well yeah there was there was two there was that and then I see these swears big words but I actually was thinking of like Johnny Davidson and them Johnny Davidson I don't know where even I see his pubes changer he dies it don't text while driving don't miss hey on the road now why aren't those that's so good I don't feel like those are in my no because that's before we did that's how old school that was yeah that was back at the old house I want to see if this is two locations ago when we were doing ymh from our first home yeah well I remember that back in the dis a I had let's see I had all of our sound stuff was in iTunes oh right yes so let's see if

the risk now that those clips are from a documentary about English British people with the Tourette's so yeah like a BBC documentary and yeah that little girl goes to a camp and she gets to be with other kids that have Tourette's and it's a relief for her because she says big swear words all the time yeah she sure does but nobody judges her at Tourette's camp what is this I don't know oil oil oil oil on the road yeah that's good I thought remember we had the debate whether that was I on the road oil in the road right oil in the road I own the road or I on the road right I think it's a big

debate but it's I on the road I think I think that's what it was we had somebody right in who speaks the dialect who speaks that fucking that muckluck whatever that muckluck version of English yeah that oil oil oil oil on the road this straining is what really gets me like it just sounds like it's so painful for him to say that yeah poor guy my stepdad used to talk like that not with Tourette's but he was talking like this he was a big fat indian guy always winded kid come over here kid

why was he like that he had some lung problem I think now he has some we didn't know back then like he was out of breath because he was super fat too like he and my mom used to polish off an extra large pizza and then they would eat like a maple log after that they got from gelsons what like a huge no sorry it's called the crocodile is that what it's called or alligator alligator loaf and it's like pecans and maple this shit was I mean it must have been like a 10 000 calorie dinner every night I fucking hate itunes now even in my own library I can't pull shit up your own library my own library what's going on James you want to press pause and type it in and it says you know that it's there and then you hit enter and then nothing happens

oh mine's been doing that lately too isn't that the dumbest yeah it's so dumb hate it too god damn you you mutterfucker you mutterfucker you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like this is uh I here I'll let me pause it thanks a lot it's really cool what what happened you came over here to look at this and then you rip the ass if I didn't know I was gonna fart like that I just took it down but I didn't know it's gonna get happen yeah so this is okay I just found basically a whole bunch of stuff that play on play on I love these clips I love these early ones the last this is uh trying to remember some of these I don't even know what this is let's see you're not mine being in something that's you if you go

is that recognize that you recognize that okay let's see this one it's filthy fags it never gets old the way that these guys do it um it's funny because it's English too yeah like American ones you feel kind of bad because you're like all those are our people who cares about other countries you know yeah was it was another one that they did I'm trying to remember what's this something else Johnny Davidson oh yeah I don't I don't think that's here what about the girl I was like yeah and then I say big words oh the girl yeah I did that one I do have but Johnny Davidson that was another classic

how is Johnny Davidson not here did you go in here and take him out of here yeah I went in and take him out here he is yeah Johnny Davidson stupid yeah so the girl she's um this was a she's in a different documentary right she's in an American documentary about Tourette's yeah the English one's way funnier but you know yeah I mean like yeah and then I see swears like nigger and stuff big words yeah big words I see people like I sometimes say what I'm thinking about them but I don't mean it kind of thing nigger nigger like that kind of but I'm not racist I just can't help it and I feel really guilty afterwards this guy's in the oh my god this guy is in the Dennis chair

no it's sorry it's an eye test ophthalmologist fuck off he blamed fuck off and then right it's great because in an eye exam the doctor's right here he's right up on you you know they examine your eyes that the guys he's pointing whatever it is that you look in the eye with and he's a foot from the guy's face he's like fuck off like shouting fuck off to his face fuck don't shake windows tell me daughters fuck it looks like it's hostile wankers fuck now is it wakers or wankers wankers okay fuck off do you like your job

did he say do you like your job do you like your job oh he's trying to make conversation he knows he's saying outrageous shit never like there's that hold that like there's people that think that that's people with Tourette's can control it no way I know that the tics and everything but I don't believe so no we can't fucking Jew is that what he said I blamed fuck off he turned off the lights fuck you're on for a second I don't know I don't know

it's great though I love this kid it's funny yeah and say the emails about how insensitive we are about people with Tourette's syndrome oh yeah we've gotten those a bunch we know we get it it sucks but you know what some of it's funny so there you go of course it is yeah sometimes the thing that's wrong with you is really funny and it's really it's really amusing to other people okay so how can you not think it's funny when you hear just some guy cursing an inappropriate place that's funny not the fact that Tourette's don't write the email okay we're not making fun of the disorder you fucks I can hear it already yeah you can really hear it oh let's do it for me oh oh my my uncle's aunt's fart has Tourette's

how dare you make fun of it well speaking of uncles and aunts and farts let's let's drop let's drop it let's tell them oh great this is exciting ready yeah I mean that chips in a bowl that's huge already yeah you know something big is going to happen so then you go well is there anything else is there another thing that could make me realize this is a big announcement yeah I like this one that's silly it sounds like they're breaking their teeth cats when they eat this stuff so now you got in the cat with dry food eating the kibble

and this is such a big announcement that we had to pull out a new sound effect are you ready yeah it's toasty in here yeah it's campfire feels like it's Thanksgiving week yeah I'd like some hot cocoa please all three at once wow wow so big announcement it must be a big announcement listen to that cat just tearing into that bowl it's um it loves it it loves this kibble

exciting because it's it's a long time coming so this is this is a big deal you know to oh to make this announcement took to get to this point where we could actually really say that it's ready took um I don't know took over a year you know yeah and it wasn't only because we just needed to make sure we had all our ducks in a row and it was you know it's a thing for me really I'll say it it's like a thing that I really wanted to happen but I didn't know how much if I I could rush it or anything and that is I'll just say it the sub cane shirt is ready it's it's been released and why it's more it's exciting to me and as opposed to just a regular shirt when we go we have a shirt

is that I actually worked with big daddy cane crazy to do this so it feels it's not to me just about like hey please buy this shirt it's it's crazy that I got to partner up with one of my favorite musicians you know one of the greatest emcees of all time and I did a shirt with him and I've talked about it I've you've seen me on stage in the last few months you've heard me say it that um that I that you know it was in the works because it was it was in the works and you know we just had to get had to have him sign it in the here's the craziest part the most exciting part to me he suggested it he goes tom let's do a shirt we should do a shirt together it's awesome and I and this is literally how the conversation went he goes we should do a shirt together

and I go yeah of course and then I just I said what should it be and he goes it should be you this is exactly how it goes it should be you doing your sub cane thing is what he said and then me looking at you like he said that on the phone and I already knew what he meant he was like you know I'm saying yeah and then I go okay and then he texted me a photo of him going and it's it was perfectly drawn by I want to make sure I say his name correctly um Matt excuse me could how do I say this how would you say this kasunik how do you spell how would you say that uh kasunik kasunik but if he if he's like check or something isn't it kasunik yeah but I don't know he's from Chicago so yeah yeah

kasunik could be but if he's a pollock yeah matt kasunik did it um and he did a fantastic job and it's just exciting for me to say I have a shirt that I partnered with big daddy cana and of course for those of you I'm sure a lot of you know you know the origin the way that it kind of came together is is pretty much the exciting part that this was something that happened in real life where I yelled at big daddy came probably 10 years ago you know I remember where I was do you know where I do you know where I was a graduation no I was at the comedy store oh I thought for some reason this was okay sorry no that was MC search okay but I was I think I just probably did the belly room that night and I was standing in front of the store I haven't even told him this

and I was standing from the store and he got out of a limo and I yelled it to him and then I didn't tell that story for another seven eight years because I didn't it just you know it just lived in your head I didn't have a reason to tell that story right and then it just developed until you developed your black yelling right and then you're like I have a reason I have a reason to tell the story and then that became a thing then I it's in a special people yell it to me when I get on stage and you know it's like kind of like for me my popular whatever like catchphrase if you will and then to have him see it and then call me and and begin some type of dialogue and I I talked to him and he messages me like you know nice thing like I hope all is what like just crazy

sure I'm like I can't believe I have a dialogue with this guy and then him to suggest hey we should do a shirt together it's just crazy you know it's a blessing in the skies it's a it's one of those random things yeah that happened it's all this is big daddy kane I'm over here chilling with Russell man I mean that's that's how it started how it started with him getting back to me yeah so funny so it is crazy the design is phenomenal Matt did just the best job anyways the shirt is on sale it's on pre-sale now you can go to Tom Segura dot com or your mom's house podcast dot com I've also put the link because we got it its own store page for it it's also it's on my Instagram page it's on my Twitter it's everywhere but both of our stores and if you order now but

by December 12th I think I think you have like a week and change you can get it by Christmas oh that's great and you can also you'll also get a mixtape list that I compile of my favorite big daddy kane songs oh my god so it's pretty exciting to me this was huge because it kind of feels like you know it's like I don't know it's like childhood excitement almost you know I can't believe you're a hero and now you're doing something cool with him it's huge what a great Christmas gift I suggest you guys do that immediately because I think they will go quick we've already gotten orders yeah yeah no it's moving man because we dropped this on social media this morning and the orders have been pouring in so by the time this drops it's going to be even bigger so get those sizes now dudes

because they go fast they go really fast pretty cool man yeah don't don't hesitate if you want the shirt get it now because I know what happens you guys go I want this shirt and then you sit on it for a while and then we sell out that's what happens get them now good point for Christmas for Chanukah that's exciting will you yell sub kane for them sub kane we need that as a drop I was looking for it I couldn't believe I did you know what I think it is I think it's over here I think for some reason let me look on this thing real quick but I think it's on this computer which is so weird to me let's see I have we have two computers that we do our show off of and one of them basically plays stuff and then one of them records it and for some reason I'm convinced

that that sub kane is on the recorded one is that possible yeah it could be there's all kinds of random clips on that one oh there you go yeah well I can't play it off of this one oh shit bricks go forget it here we go you know what I'm gonna do what you're gonna do I'm gonna take care of you what you're gonna do um jeans oh wait another thing we need to check on did the translation come through from my homeboy he tells me when let's see did he yeah no it's not here I wanted to know what that farsi lady's been saying oh right yeah because I just got two new ones I got one voicemail yesterday and then one this afternoon pretty neat did you want to play them yeah absolutely the most amazing part of these messages

that Christina keeps getting non-stop on her phone to me are that the person who's leaving them never hears back never from whoever she's contacting leaves detailed messages like just goes on and on about stuff and we're at the point where it's like you know whoever you're contacting hates you like how about you just stop you guys aren't friends no there's there's no love there and this one's really funny because there's like a little bit of panic there's something going on a little bit of panic here do you want it yeah I give it to me something wrong is happening now something wrong well because she's like oh no otherwise she's going to find out or something um oh so there's there's a new one I've even heard the new one yet oh wow just the one I played

for you that I got yesterday and then this one today literally came in after lunch so ridiculous okay hold on let's see I cherish them I don't delete them yeah you can't delete them one second all right here's uh the first one hello Salome mama forgot her blood pressure think you know I don't know she's gonna make up in the morning oh my god oh she forgot her blood pressure thing she's gonna wake up in the morning oh my god but who's never getting back to her Salome but I mean Salome doesn't give a fuck about anything doesn't because this is like the 10th or 12th message in a row mama forgot her blood pressure think you know I don't know mama forgot make up in the morning

yeah oh my god oh my god oh my god and then just hangs up don't you know that Salome doesn't care anymore doesn't care and then this one just came in now lunchtime man that's the laziest ever yeah it just sounds kind of like out of it this person what was the last one last one was like heated wasn't it like from the last episode kind of remember Jesus

listen Salome doesn't care about blood pressure medicine doesn't care about fish or spinach doesn't give a fuck about what's happening to mama at all you got to get it through your head oh man so good that's good stuff yeah that's good stuff yeah this is new phone numbers really provided some quality voicemails yeah for nursing probabilities or opportunities and yeah well here's some blocked messages oh this must be from because I blocked the um the Florida ones gotten those I haven't listened to those yeah pretty good it's good stuff right yeah it's exciting makes life worth living um so I actually got I got something on my phone you know ever since you've been with child uh this child when you're asleep at night

you make a noise when you sleep no I don't yep no I don't you've been saying that but I don't believe it because I'm such a beautiful flower and I'm very delicate and I'm very perfect and I don't you've been saying and you be snoring and then you wear your butt plugs every night you've been wearing butt plugs for a long time because of you because I snore and for 10 years I never wore them with you until about three to four months ago yeah it became absolutely necessary because I'm fucking Manuel Uribe I'm 3 000 pounds now and I saw you know I'm the fattest person alive right now you're not the fattest person alive I'm the largest person alive and then my face meat pushes on throat meat here you are god damn it you're not playing this

last night are you serious here we go oh my god it's you that is not me it's a dog this is last night no it's not this is you you wait this is you last night it's probably 12 30 oh my god oh my god you like that no oh my god it's mortifying

I'm ripping yeah then you turned over and you did this thing where I went too late because you were you were inhaling and then going and your lip would flutter and I got there a second too late where you can still tell that you're going but your your lip isn't fluttering anymore oh great this one's actually cute yeah this is cute yeah cute this is cute oh my god but your original thing I sound like a dog come on like a trucker yeah oh my god yeah I sleep with that's bad I sleep with butt plugs now dude how do you sleep through that noise that's terrible those those butt plugs are very effective that's how bad you were before

you got your mouth guard man I don't know how you dealt with that your rips were I used to go into the living room and shut the bedroom door and I could hear you through the wall that's how intense your snores what that's really that's how intense that is you could go try and not hear it but you that was that is terrible babe that is disgusting it's not disgusting I'm so congested though all the time yeah plus I'm so much bigger than I normally am that is horrendous that's the way it is can you imagine both of us together I sound like thief that's how FIFO snores that is something yeah you thief and me could really ruin some people's nights I'm surprised the schnitzel doesn't snore like that she doesn't make any noises she's too little give her some time she just

side eyes you with her dirt eye you know she's such a bitch we got to get her in studio eventually yeah she doesn't come by here she's too uppity you know she's too uppity yeah she thinks we're just trash I think yeah she's like I'm pure bread yeah she's all bougie and shit yeah I wonder what he's been doing to her I don't I can only imagine we what we should do is get them both in here next week yeah I know it's just so hard with their schedules you know they're such busy dogs I know he had the cannello fight the cannello cotto fight and then he said he had a lot of stuff going on then yeah and then you know NFL's going on college football he's a lot a lot going on the NBA picked up so I know he's running a lot of numbers right now that's interesting

only just a busy guy yeah he is a busy guy yeah he's a businessman first he always told me that we'll see business first speaking of business it's Thanksgiving I know this fucking week can you believe that of course it's crazy dude where did this year go yeah I'm so happy that we're not doing like we basically opted out of Thanksgiving for the last few years now yeah but this year we said fuck turkey could we don't like turkey and we're gonna have steak I like that we started doing it there was a couple years ago right wasn't it a couple years ago oh yeah there's a first time it occurred to me that you don't have to eat what you don't like you can make your own food you can do what you can have pizza if you want

yeah Thanksgiving I was like you know I really like steak more even though turkey can be delicious turkey makes my pussy dry wow didn't expect to hear that turkey is like eating a dry pussy it's disgusting right it's just it's all dry I like the dark meat you know I'm saying yep no but the the breast oh you feel me oh yeah oh that was the wrong button yeah yeah no I feel you I just I mean I've had some turkey that's really good I've never really I don't think it's juicy enough it's just not a good it's it's a dry a pussy dry meat hmm I had some good one but I just feel like if it's if it's up to me I'd rather have a steak I just like it more I don't know and then I was like oh why don't

I just buy like the best steak that I want that that week and make that I'd be like this is my dinner just have a super nice I mean we're gonna do the sides but we're getting them from whole farts yeah premade yeah and then I'm gonna get some white trash stuffing out of the box because I do like stuffing from the box we'll make that a home but everything else what if I'm gonna fucking cook I'm nine months pregnant get your life you know I'm saying you should get it a hundred percent you know I'm saying you know uh no I want to cook and no it's not no and people over absolutely not and at this point I'm so big I just want to sit in my robe and pajama bottoms I'm like we can't have company at this late in the game I'm too I'm too pregnant yeah you know I'm

saying you feel me you know I'm talking about yeah no I I totally agree and it's I think if you if you're out there and you're thinking about hmm what am I gonna eat it doesn't have to be steaks like that but if you think about like what's your favorite thing why don't you try making that for Thanksgiving yeah your favorite thing and see how you what if you like what if you love lasagna and you just make that you go hey it's Thanksgiving I made lasagna Thanksgiving lasagna sounds great which wrong with that put some cranberry sauce on there a couple years ago remember I went and I got I went to the fresh seafood market I got lobsters oh robsters good it was great yeah I didn't I didn't miss turkey when that happened no and don't spend the holiday

people you don't like that's another fucking thing yeah we don't do that anymore I don't go to multiple houses uh you know ever since my parents divorced when I was a little kid they always do that show you got to bounce around from house to house that's the worst I ain't doing it no you get you can suck my left one I'm a grown ass woman no I get uh this weekend too I get rivalry Saturday I'm so excited for that what's that that's like all the big big rivalry college games like Oklahoma Oklahoma State Florida Florida State Ohio State Michigan Notre Dame Stanford Auburn Alabama like it's all the big hate fest games are Saturday the games where they hate each other the most what are you gonna do if I go into labor during one of your big football games what do you mean

what am I gonna do like how are you gonna are you gonna you're not gonna stop watching the game no but I I'll I'll still be I'll still get there afterwards after this game's over I can I actually I do see you being in the delivery room with me yeah and being like can we get a can we get a room with a tv yeah and then they're like all right push push Christina and you're looking over me over my head at the screen and then you're like yeah and it's just you cheering because the seminal scored or whatever right but what's wrong what there's nothing like wrong with that right is that upsetting it's a little why it's a little but it's yeah I mean how how what part of that means that I'm not

there I'm still there I'm just focused on something else for a second I think you don't get it you know it's like no I want to calm this thing man no I'm feel comfortable here did you get what I'm saying yeah I just want to watch my game okay well that makes my pussy dry just you know Jesus you and your pussy dry so we finished blood farts last night and then by the way this we should tell them that we recorded um we've been on top of stuff so we realized that you know we're not gonna be able to run in here in a few weeks when the baby jeans is here so we did an extra we try to do some extra episodes to have to release so some some things we're gonna talk about it's too hard to stay on top of you guys sorry do we not talk about this no we do talk about it

on I think on the episode that's in the future sorry no no it's fine I'm just making the point that's all um that that's gonna happen but look blood farts is just I'm so I'm such a fan I can't believe it took me didn't take me quite that long but you know what definitely wasn't on top of it that show is tremendous man yeah we finished it last night and uh what a great POS character that Danny is what a great great series here is fantastic the brilliance of that character it reminded me in a way of what was so brilliant about um Breaking Bad and Walter White is that Walter White had this thing where you're cheering for him to do a bad thing and then he crosses lines that make you feel conflicted you know so you're conflicted about the character

doing things because some of it you feel like justifies some of it you feel like it's you know it's it's this morph into something now this isn't at all the exact same thing but I mean the complexity of the character and the emotions you feel watching the character yeah because you feel sometimes that some of what he's doing and saying is justified and then moments later you can't stand them you know yeah it's a good character they layered it up it's not just a one-dimensional character yeah it's a really good net it's on Netflix guys it's called bloodline but we call it blood farts obviously yeah it does it's really now we have to get into another one I want you to watch Homeland dude but you have like five seasons to catch up on I know you've been you've been

talking about that quite a bit if you could just start now and then watch nothing but Homeland for the next three days we do it okay I can watch it um in the living room right yeah we have the the pass or whatever it is yeah all right pan we've also been watching Below Deck which is such a great show uh it's on Bravo and Nadine Rajabi a friend of mine is is EPing did you know Nadine she's she's Persian she should probably translate these voicemails that'd be nice if she would such a funny girl and she's EPing on that show wait was she a comic Nadine yeah that's why I know that name yeah yeah she she she does talks about her family and stuff she's really funny yeah I remember that wait did you guys used to do shows together Nadine yeah

yeah yeah but then she started doing production work more so right but that's why the name sounds for me because I used to hear you talk about her more that's yeah I really like her so anyway she's she's like a real ballsy chick but that show's so great there's a character in there who's had a he's had the same girlfriend for many many years the girlfriend cheats on him and then he hooks up with one of the skis on the boat yeah but then the skis doesn't know that she's the skis right she's like but she kind of knows at the time that like this is like a fun you know hookup thing yeah and then like every we talked about before every side piece doesn't want to be a side piece of course so she at first is like all about it and then

as the show kind of goes on and she realizes that she's like you know what this whole situation it makes her pussy dry it used to be super wet no it's not right well because that's a thing is I think you said it before is that nobody wants to admit to being in second place like there's no human being alive that oh that's for us to do something yeah um there's no human being alive that's like I want to be second place I'd love to be the last on your call list like but what she does which is a real asshole move is she fucking tells everybody yeah she had this like what a secret hookup going on yeah and this is and this is why you know you do secret shady shit this is why you pay the price yeah because that somebody in the secret shady thing can't be counted on

and so they're hooking up in the laundry room on this mega yacht and then you know it could they could have gotten off the boat without anybody knowing she had to open her mouth she talked about it in her interviews and then she talked she told everyone on the staff like she told the whole staff what a fucking bitch yeah that just yeah you can't your mouth shut or or you go with a hoe because the hole ain't gonna tell right pay bitch to go to fuck away you better pay her because we like we discovered with uh throat zilla I was just thinking about her yeah god are we psychically linked today yeah throat zilla you know I just wrote down I swear to god tom I wrote snapchat we gotta talk about throat zilla throat zilla is amazing if you're not if you're not on snapchat look up

throat zilla well no because on snapchat she's orally gifted orally gifted 214 I think I love when people throw in the number like there's too many people calling themselves orally gifted there definitely are too many people calling themselves orally gifted she needs the number to differentiate herself this is all josh potter all right yeah right let's see are you looking up throat zillas right now to do her snapchat of course I can't go home and I got on a book she got on a book she just posts non-stop shit of herself either eating sucking dick talking about me alone y'all ain't like y'all ain't never seen titties in a bra before have a good day night songs her driving in her car and she represents Dallas that's her business yeah and she likes to

blow blow guys and eat their ass this dumb ass nigga ask me am I the real orally gifted no bitch my granny is the real orally gifted this her mother fucking phone I'm just holding it okay she's eating she's a big girl and she's also sucking dick a lot yeah yeah and there's shit like this and then all of a sudden she's eating a guy's ass and sucking his balls she puts that on snapchat this is dancing right now and loves she loves the car but then all of a sudden you get a treat if you stay in long enough she dangles a little carrot

I mean these these snapchats on the in the car and she likes to drive on e a lot that's a that's a big thing for her is how little gas I can drive with for how long but the reason that she came to prominence is because to prominence is because a few years ago or actually let no earlier this year Lael Collins the offensive guard for the Cowboys who was going to be a first round pick at LSU before that murder investigation he's a big ol 350 pound dude apparently I hired her to eat his ass and blow him and then he didn't pay her so she put him on blast but like you're saying get pay the pay the hoe you gotta pay you gotta pay a hoe um yeah so anyways so but she'll do that and then it'll just cut to her

eating a dude's ass or her second a guy's dick wearing a ski mask and you're like who is what in the fuck at least she uses condoms that's a good thing yeah she's always she's always using condoms but this chick is out of her mind it's a great find on snapchat what's her Josh Potter brought this to our attention yeah and it's um orally gifted 214 fuck my throat good my favorite is when hey right now she was I need to suck a dick soon about to cry don't she's hungry in box for me if you're not in fucking Dallas you don't have no mother fucking money to buy my mother fucking head okay so she's on my fucking sex addict I put limits on my shit if I if I wouldn't charge them motherfuckers I'd be the fucked half a fucking Dallas yeah like I had these talks with

myself and I say you cannot do this unless there's money involved because I'm really not a hoe I can't put this on my real facebook and say I want to suck dick and I can't put it on my other facebook and say I want to suck dick because I'm gonna get a whole bunch of motherfuckers that ain't in Dallas what I really want is to be choked fuck spit on pissed on some nasty shit but I'm single though that's like another reason why I never want to show my face because the shit that I talk about be like so abnormal and nasty you'll be like are you not convinced yet are you not sold on following orally gifted to 14 do yourself a favor yeah get to know her and then we saw her one day she was going to work she works in a bank yeah because she shows like her co-workers and

her in a bank yeah it's pretty amazing yeah it's really interesting stuff if you're ever bored and just need to like get into someone else's world for a minute she definitely has a world of her own yeah she's out of her fucking mind mm-hmm yeah mm-hmm there you go thank you orally gifted thank you she's a real animal um is this good for thanksgiving I don't know let's check it out it's drunk Native Americans I did uh what Pachango one time you know sure and there was a really really loud drunk guy in the audience and there's a pretty good

like room full of people and I pull aside one of like the organizers like can somebody tell like how to shut the fuck up and he go he looks and he goes nope I go why he goes because he's native and uh we you know his family tribe runs this place so I guess so it's just like he's like yeah deal with it he just gets to be an asshole yeah absolutely because he's of the right tribe yeah yeah yeah wow lucky him yeah he just kind of ran the show and then you know he was he was tolerable like definitely out of line but it was the kind you could kind of nap like he was having a good time at the show so it's better than if he was having a bad time at the show now don't in Canada don't they call them natives yes and that's considered derogatory no native you can say oh

what was the one you can't say Indian yeah it's so weird yeah but they're Indian well I don't know I mean I guess that's the whole debate right if you say like it they're native Americans so you say native and that then that's supposed to be I guess the correct thing why Indian why are they Indian you said they're Indian I thought they were I thought native was a slandery the the derogatory ones are no I miss it native it's considered the pc oh version of that who the fuck knows I thought they're Indians well let's ask them ah the ancient you know what I love is when people are talking about their you know ritual the ancient hopi way and they're in sweat lodge and this and that and then you fucking cut to these guys

people it's people man do the same shit everywhere no of course oh I know when I'm thinking of aboriginals they say abos and that's bad that sounds bad abo sounds I've never heard it and that sounds bad yeah now I said aboriginal in Australia uh-huh ain't got in trouble you did it which to me that is I thought that's the proper aboriginals is what they are they're aboriginals yeah they didn't like it but I know you got into some now not an aboriginal person didn't like it white people white people yes but abo is that's like haji or something right you don't say haji well let's do it it sounds like if you were to walk around and be like can you believe these haji's 90% of people be like what the fuck are you talking about I know it's a very yeah well

they're fighting these people they can call them what the fuck they want no I know we get emails from military guys like the haji's I know I like it too that's a good time well yeah you got to have a name for the enemy you know the end we're gonna fucking call them I don't know are you suggesting that not the abo you gotta stop saying that why are you saying that's the wrong because there's none in our country it's it's not driving this show has a good fan base in Australia I know why I apologize to our aboriginal listeners but nobody gives a fucking America it's it's like nonsense to us yeah yeah sure it means nothing we're wasn't in Australia where they had that like what is it called like variety show and Harry Connick Jr was there yeah as a judge on

some show and then these these guys came out in blackface and were like yeah and they did their thing yeah yeah yeah he was like oh this is not okay but I think that was it right I think you're right and but I think in Australia it doesn't have the same connotation obviously that's right my thing is that like maybe yeah I think it's very similar yeah let's see um where is I think that's here you can be if it's being offended is totally cultural it's it's all about relative to where you are in the world these guys came out in total blackface like it's really crazy let's go to uh let's go to Jackie now I want my pop swing I thought you were very cute see I still love it yeah it's fantastic that's really funny how their blackface on this thing

is like shoe polish right you know it's like it's really crazy well listen you were you all booed when I hit the gong what would you give I'm trying to see you're a radiologist yeah it's a radiologist yeah so it must have not be it's the same kind of thing you're saying though right like like uh so they didn't even the usually blackface they put the lips out in the eyes but they just painted their faces entirely jet black jet black and then and have aphoros yeah it's still we get it you know what they're trying to let's see I want the iconic moment so let's see where I'm offended it would have been so nice for the promo but we don't do any after this so we don't we don't need it well

wait is that really really the case that does this mean this is my last appearance on hey hey yes I want to do some about that I'm gonna call him so I thought he's supposed to be super offended hang on I hang on I want to know I want to know who you're gonna call I'm I'm either I'm a called Ghostbusters yeah I'm I'm a called a prime minister I I noticed that when we had the Jackson driver here he is and it didn't occur to me till afterwards that I think we may have offended you with that act and I deeply apologize on behalf of all of us because I know that you know your countryman it that's an insult to to you know have a blackface

routine here he's like not me I'm white sorry to apologize to you thanks Darryl and I just wanted to say on behalf of you know of my country I know it was done in humorous just yeah but you know we've spent so much time trying to not make black people look like buffoons that when we see something like that we take it really to heart and I know it was in good fun and the last thing I want to do is take the show like to a real you know kind of a down level because you know how much I love this show and if I knew that was going to be a part of this show I probably I definitely wouldn't have done it all right thank you for the opportunity I gotta give it up because Darryl said I told him at the break he said man you need to speak as an American not as a white American

or a black American but as an American I need to I need to all right yeah but it's cultural to the Australians they don't think of it the same thing yeah so that's why you can keep saying you're aboriginal insults hey abo abo abo all day long holy shit man it doesn't matter to me I'm mark man yeah shit but that was great it is crazy it's crazy to us because yeah to us like when you see that you're like um you're gonna get in trouble yeah yeah you shouldn't I mean you still see like people it's always around Halloween there's always a post of at least one asshole who still is like you know all dressed up in that I know it's so fun right now on Facebook I'm having that the litany of friends posting things like I'm glad Facebook exists so I can see which of my friends

are racist and I'm unfriending you oh really because of the Syria um oh people saying they don't want like refugee things yeah so everybody's very the righteous indignation over where you stand politically on that you're a big racist yeah that's fun I think most people that are speaking out um in in opposition to the Syrian refugees are doing it out of fear though they're terrified well of course and it's it kind of um kind of justified it's a moment I mean look we're the fear is the fear is because we're at war with with the Syrian people we're gonna be probably we're not at war aren't we you know what I'm saying they with ISIS yeah sure right not the Syrian ISIS yes uh you know they're fucking with the west they're fucking with us yeah but then you have to

I mean that's important I think to um you know you have to process the fact that the people that are being really um tortured are a lot of these these Syrian refugees they're the ones that are terrified I'm just kidding of course yeah they're um they're alive they're horrific of course but I'm saying it's so annoying on Facebook when it like someone has to announce I'm unfriending people I don't agree with what do you care Germany's actually you know Germany's letting in the most they're they're taking a lot of well they've got some guilt about another time yeah um I think I support the these you know women children um people but only the hot ones right well the hot ones um ones that that um you can clearly see what's under the the head wrap and the skirt

and then um I just I just support strict uh a screening process I think that that's a legit thing to say like have a really strict screening process for getting people in and then you know allow people that are are being tortured and and persecuted and have suffered enough give them a chance you have a limited number it's not going to be that yeah so you know look the us is already tight on immigration I'm telling you it unless you sneak in here it's almost impossible to come into this country legally I used to work as an immigration paralegal many fucking emails over what you're saying right now I I worked as an immigration paralegal pre 9 11 and even pre 9 11 there's a lottery that takes place in all these countries it's extremely to come in legally

I'm saying illegally to get a green card is it's very very very difficult so you know we don't we don't let them any fucking people to begin with that's what I'm trying and it's okay we put them we put them in the places nobody wants to live you're saying the refugees Alaska nobody like they pay you to live in Alaska so that's where we should put them absolutely have you been to anchorage you know it's nice four months out of the year and then you know let them let them where else let's see how many more people you can isolate this episode who where else should we allow this where else is cold arctic south somewhere in the south that I don't cold and arctic in the south they're just horrible either horrible Alabama you think people in Alabama yeah not all of it

oddly enough I think Alabama would want those refugees the least right right no they're not good with immigrants I had an Indian woman died on my that's the bro and she grew up in Alabama in like Birmingham she's like oh it was terrible they hated us they openly hated me in my Indian I remember that guy that was running for governor he was like I'm running for governor if I become governor we'll have a driver's test in English that was his big thing that like no second languages oh my god yeah welcome to Alabama motherfucker no look obviously I'm pro immigrant I'm an immigrant my family's immigrant I have nothing against come on please come on please please guys save the emails I don't want them obviously you're gonna get them obviously joking not serious you're gonna get them

forget it why do our politicians make us give driver's license exams in 12 languages this is Alabama we speak English if you want to live here learn it we're only giving that test in English if I'm governor maybe it's the businessman right but we'll save money and it makes sense does it to you we're from Alabama and we're retarded we like to stay retarded we don't want no other kind of learning in here you know what though it's what's ironic and interesting about this is that my family is immigrant speak Hungarian my dad would insist on taking it in English to test like I think a lot of immigrants want to speak English portion and want to do the thing that everyone I don't think people are inherently lazy and they don't want to learn

the language I think it's kind of fucking hard guys no yeah it's it's it's definitely I mean I know that that lady that leaves you voicemails doesn't want to but most people do it's so weird she's halfway there she's getting a few words in oh shit oh god where do you think we should put the refugees I'm with you Alaska Alabama yeah you know yeah there's a lot of I'm trying to think of where there's a lot of room I feel like Iowa's got a lot of space I've driven through that another windmills and gray there's a lot of places in Iowa Nebraska first Nebraska wide open fields dude why me and Montana have a there's a lot of space and not that many people per you know like some of those states I don't know how the

populations are really low compared to how much land is there there's like 10 people who live let's drop them off let's drop them off there you know who else we should put there hey retards and gays retards paper with Tourette the retards the guys yeah holly by put all those big retards there hey uh retards hey retards you the gays and Syrian refugees this is your new home enjoy your new place uh you know to make it work I suggest you don't let the retards cook because you guys need to eat maybe if you like that darker darker food with the Hodges whip something up for you smells like shit I remember being in Tennessee

yeah or is it in Knoxville and my cab driver was it's a hard K I'm sorry it's a hard K Canoxville yeah cannot I'm sorry Canoxville yeah Tennessee yeah and my taxi driver was just this beautiful tall lanky African man from like Africa Ethiopia or some and we clearly just got there I'm like bro what of all places you got to get the fuck out of the south you told him that of course I did I said you landed in the wrong fucking state I go head east or head west but do not stay here bro yeah and what did what did he say he was like I know I got into school here and I'm going to I go well the minute you graduate bro east and west we talked about it before I always find it funny the pockets uh culturally that pop up in this country like in Minneapolis

there's like a big Somali and Eritrean population Eritrea yeah and it's like what the fuck I think is the immigration because they they let them excuse me settle there I mean you could settle anywhere you're once you're in you're in but it's just funny that like that's they went from Africa and like the hottest place on the planet they go to Minneapolis where it gets so fucking cold it's so long they have like eight month winners you know and they're like this is fucking America no I think it's family because I think your family no I was early and then you go there it's just it's built into this thing where there's this big you know Somali Ethiopian Eritrean population DC live in DC too which Somalis yeah yeah yeah I know that's a that's a more liberal

but that's a good both are liberal cities to be Somali yes Minneapolis yes Alabama not so much it sounds like you want to learn it we'll live here learn it it's terrible you know you won't be retarded like us they retarded stay Alabama stay retarded that should be there I ain't gay but you can suck it that's how it's what it's actually of course I ain't gay you can suck it I'm gonna turn down a blow job man the other day now you're you're offending all our Alabama oh I can't believe all too all too I love Slade Monk Slade Monk he brought you barbecue sauce he brought me barbecue you just called him a retard from dreamland he's not a retard well he's gonna feel like he calls him retarded he's the sweetest

I love you Slade Monk I'm just kidding good luck this weekend buddy Roll Tide but I won't do Birmingham I'll tell you remember we were in Alabama how y'all doing Roll Tide how y'all doing Roll Tide Roll Tide we go to the bank thank you very much Roll Tide Roll Tide I'll make it into the positive stay Roll Tide they're so nice though they're so friendly yeah I want some cheese on that Roll Tide or not okay okay Roll Tide Roll Tide have a good day Roll Tide Roll Tide we went to the yeah no we did a show yeah there and the most disruptive table were Birmingham PD yeah remember that yeah they were like loud I was like what the fuck and then they're like oh it's all cops like you motherfuckers like they they were like commenting on everything and having like their own thing going

on talking at the tape like they were the by far the most disruptive table and it was Birmingham PD man that that audience I gotta tell you is like I've done the stardom in Alabama that's where we were yeah I've done the big room before and that was like whoever was at the trailer part got free tickets because they all fucking came to my show dude it was rough that's how I felt I wanted to fucking all right just die you wanted to die it was bad it was bad it was bad it was bad did you go to FedEx I'm sorry did I go where FedEx FedEx FedEx FedEx FedEx no FedEx that's what no it's FedEx and I went yes I mailed something that form your dad needed yeah I sent it to him it's not it's FedEx it's FedEx no FedEx nobody says FedEx it's Federal Express

yeah but the inflection you're doing it wrong it's FedEx it goes up that's totally wrong it's not wrong I've never heard anybody say that FedEx no one says FedEx everybody said are you being serious right now yes it's FedEx FedEx everybody says FedEx are you going to FedEx you want to FedEx absolutely you want to FedEx this yeah there you go I've only heard FedEx that's because you're talking to retarded people from Alabama dude FedEx you should teach the English language driver's test there FedEx what about you call it ups too no it's UPS yeah everybody knows that and everybody knows it's FedEx no this is so dumb there's no way no you're dumb it's FedEx FedEx what FedEx no yeah you're smart but all cells are final and it's FedEx

do you think our cell servers are from et's no is that what you call it I know what that is et's services that's et's et's et's et's et's et's et's et's et's et's et's et's et's et's et's et's et's et's to marble it's is being serious though do you do to ma to mobiles to mobiles to mobile to marble to marble no this is retarded no are you being serious though of course i'm being serious you really call it fedex that's what everybody says no federal express fedex not fedex no it's fedex you're actually being retarded right now no you're retarded no you're retarded no you're alabama no you're the most retarded i was gonna knock her in the head one day out here beside the garage because she called me out retarded i was going to knock her in the head

with a claw hammer retarded you'd think that he's retarded alabama he's not no he's from virginia i think i think he's from illinois and then he lived in missouri missouri no he lives in like no yeah it is anyway he lives in illinois illinois illinois retarded short pump that's where we could put the immigrants the refugees that's a sub that's in richmond virginia short pump yeah they need people in short pump i've been there a long people changes yeah they could have fun there people i know you're from you're used to your um your haji life but you gotta get ready people changes because it's gonna be different around here haji life yeah we don't talk no foreign like gobbledygook y'all gotta learn english now

you gotta learn you can party you know but when he's on that melana and whiskey he gets crazy let's see who have we offended to open with Tourette's yeah the refugees yep now retarded people anyone from alabama or alaska alaska iowa syrians nebraska aboriginals aboriginals all haji's happy thanksgiving every every hatesgiving everybody hatesgiving everybody hatesgiving is here sorry we should already apologize i know everybody's kind of probably feeling like mom mom mom mom why did you do that to me i like that one a lot i'm sorry i didn't mean to mom mom speaking of mom yeah you kind of gave yourself a little total mommy day it's a ttd a total timey day yeah you kind of took a nice day for yourself it's nice to do this

you know what i like about you you always encourage the total timey day you got to do it you're very big on that it's good i feel like a lot of relationships don't have somebody encouraging the partner to have a total tmd until the mommy day where you just really kick it and you enjoy you mommy down you know because i think it's uh it's important that we have our lives together like this is something we share we have our life our life together but then have separate things that you enjoy like that day the total timey day um it was a workout with uh my jesus trainer jesus yeah then a nice haircut that makes you feel nice doesn't that nice haircut and always make you feel nice yep and then a mom massage so what a perfect day total timey day yeah good for you

you gotta do that there's activities you enjoy doing alone you fart alone you like football you do total mommy days all the time or do you tell mom it is yeah i like to you know i take care of what you got to keep your yeah i get my brows flicked yeah i get my hair did i get my nails did you got to do all this stuff you got to maintain yourself you can't let it go yeah you know you got it you got to take care of yourself you got to get your life you got to feel good about yourself here's someone who feels real good about herself tomorrow you're on the beat hot me fuck me daddy better make me show you better hot me fuck me my tunnel loves a deep

bro lick lick lick lick i i want to eat your dick but i can't fuck up my nails so i'ma pick it up with chopsticks mouth wide open mouth wide open mouth wide open like i was at the dances mouth wide open mouth wide open but it's so deep i can't speak a sense the irony of having an episode where i get to talk about working with big daddy kane one of the greatest lyricists of all time and then playing cupcakes song about like i'm not going to touch your dick with my nails when we use chopsticks mouth wide open mouth wide open mouth wide open like i was at the dances mouth wide open nice she's a come dog she's licking water out of a dog bowl i know i know you like that that's really great great sound sent that in and i thought this is something my husband will really enjoy

yeah i did enjoy this you liked a lot but i knew the bowl thing would get you that's the best part so terrible she keeps cutting to her licking out of a dog bowl so bizarre man i wish i would have met her about 15 years ago you know what i'm saying you know it would have been a good time you know i'm saying never met a girl quite like this but she's special mouth wide open but it's so deep i can't speak a sense every time i see this now because we're about to have a child i just think about the poor parents and how badly they fuck up every human i see now i think some fucking woman and for nine months carried you inside of her body and this is how you waste your life you fucking loser like there's so many losers well or they did a really bad job with zeros in the world and

and they've been given this gift but you're blaming that maybe it was the uh maybe it was the parent that did the wait the wasted nothing yeah for sure there's also that but i mean it's just amazing it's amazing i like the um my pussy's pink just like salami the set of this music video is um just an apartment like it's just a you know a brown dresser and a headboard on a bit like it's just she's like let's just shoot it here she's my bedroom's nice like never thought of like maybe dressing this up in the slightest yeah she likes to keep it real she's like i got a bed i got a dog bowl i got a bed i got a dog she's got tape red tape over her nipples so that she can because

her tits are out but she's covered the nipples up it's good it's a good song do you think big daddy kane would cover this song nope i don't think so i think he would i think he would his eyes might roll out of the back of his head and he would just be like what a sad sad person yeah no this would this does not cut it for kane i'm i'm putting that out there i know i'm overstepping bound you know you're not as official spokesman no but um people are asking you know a lot of people know that i i my my dj dreams are alive and well and still ordering some equipment learning my craft um people asked if uh this was my first gig and they sent this in i'm a little offended but this is a a wedding

dj and they said tom is this are you already working is this you and so this is him that's glorious that one yeah and they come everybody's doing a job guy everybody he's not even trying you don't think i'm better than this guy that's what i want to know like you just heard what he you don't think i could and he's working somebody hired him like you don't think that i could do that you don't think that i deserve i mean what i don't know i have to see you in the setting i think that

your potential there's potential there you've definitely got more rhythm than that of course i do come on shake your body baby do that come guy no you can't control yourself any longer come on shake your body baby do that come guy no you can't control yourself any longer now i um i just want to point out that it's probably confusing for some listeners are waiting for it would you rather no would you rather it was i was just comparing notes but it's interesting that you bring that biome fart machine up i got a really great tweet from pj okay at perfect ugly he says this came across my facebook this morning and it's somebody google does farting burn calories oh this came in a few times this this says um yeah this has come to our attention

from a few people well the listeners know what we like yeah but yeah thank you what would you say a fart how much do you think a fart burns i didn't think a fart burn anything a fart burns approximately 67 calories what farting 52 times in one day can burn one pound of fat that's not true how do i have i should have zero body fat you should i should be the leanest guy walking around yeah how could one fart burn 67 calories i should look like a fucking chemo patient like all i do is fart because you know how hard is to burn that many calories on a treadmill like you that this that's not actually i love the information that somebody thought to ask this and to send it to us but i don't see it and what where's the calorie burning the act of farting

or the the gas leaving is it doesn't i don't understand maybe the energy that it takes for your body to produce gas and then expel that doesn't make no because you're sphincter but that's a lot of calories 52 you could run on a treadmill or around the block for and that you don't burn 52 that's not accurate listen i question the science on this tweet but listen to this thought thought provoking nonetheless again i'm an amateur dj but listen to his transition so this is he's got miami sound machine you know it's fun obviously great at a wedding but listen to his transition okay is this is what it's all about as a dj you know you're like all right a little conga going

interesting choice he had the party up and then he's like let's drag it down to weird that at a fucking so weird so crazy so crazy you wouldn't do that as dj poly by is dj dad now i never would have transitioned to that no no it's dark you're not supposed to go high low like that man i would have been like all right guys everybody gets the families out here let's really get down let's turn this party up let's let's have some fun guys this would never fucking in ballerina that dick when i spin that's the bride and groom welcome mr and mrs anderson everybody dad had been like oh man it's dj rocks that's like the first dance with the bride and groom

in this song right is that what you're thinking father daughter yeah yeah because she makes she says daddy oh right i didn't hear that right yeah the bride and her father all right we got to get going jean all right i love you i love you guys thanks for listening happy thanksgiving guys happy thanksgiving um enjoy your families or not enjoy turkey or steak or lasagna um don't forget the sub cane shirt tomsa girl dot com your mom's house podcast dot com um and take care of each other and drink some cranberry sauce and uh we'll see you in a week bye everybody um

you