Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - High On Stage w/ Dan Soder | Your Mom's House Ep. 725

Episode Date: September 13, 2023

SPONSORS:-Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to get $200 off ANY mattress of your choice.It’s another episode of YMH with Todd and Christine! This week, Tom Segura and Christina P discuss Tom’s new stand-up material, bribing Charo to come on the podcast, the difference between Labor Day and Memorial Day, the Spanish soccer coach who kissed his player on the lips, and much more! They pay tribute to Jimmy Buffett and read the lyrics to a little-known song of his, and watch a video of a cool dude who claims he had homosexual relations with Barack Obama.Dan Soder joins the Main Mommies to discuss missing smoking cigarettes, getting drunk and high on stage, hanging with Dave Chappelle, free climbing, and cave diving, getting hurt as a kid, and much more! They watch New York’s cool new gender training video, some “Horrible or Hilarious” clips, plus Tom shares his infamous horse video.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast  

This week on YMH. Like if he just had some male prostitute, this would not be an issue today. Yeah, just do with hookers, do everybody want it? I'm damn free. I do what the fuck I want, Leno! Your chin's fucking annoying me! That was awesome.

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Welcome to another episode of your mom's house. She's Christina P. I'm Tom Segways and they're excited to be here. I had a great time in Las Vegas. Now where did you make your performances? I did it at the Chelsea Theatre at the Cosmopolitan. I did three shows there. Oh my god. They were very, very, very fun. I had a great time doing a new hour. Wow. Haven't done that. Yeah, it sounds like your time out some really cool stuff. I got to hear about some stuff I was just saying about me. It's pretty neat.

I always talk about all this exciting stuff in my life and you're right up there. Yeah, I have to say it was really cool when I was in London and it's the first time I watched you run your entire hour. The last one. Yeah. The last one that the one you just released on Netflix and I was sitting in the audience with a bunch of lads behind me and every time you said something horrendous

about me, they like pat me on the back, oh my thing. I was talking about you. Thanks, Mike. Yeah. So that's cool. I can't wait to hear what horrendous stuff you'll be saying about me.

It's not as bad as what I say about Charo. She was like, can I, she's like, you don't want me to come see your show? I go, absolutely not. And she was like, not at all. I go, maybe in a year when you're closer to dying. Mm. Just send her a handbag before the show.

And then you start the conversation yesterday. She's our word. She's completely. She's on a whole new level of our word. And like, the older she gets, just more tarded, you know what I mean? I had to yell at her to make a point. Yeah. If you just talk to her, she's like, how dare she do that. And then once I was like, really animated, she goes, okay, harsh, okay. Yeah. Then she's like, no, you're okay. Okay. Okay. And then she goes, gosh, you really got, it's like, yeah, you have to do that with you.

She's gaslighting you. Yeah, nothing else registers. Talking at a normal level doesn't work for you. Same with my family. When I hear you argue with your mom, it makes me thrilled that my mom's dead every time. I'm like, thank God my mom's fucking dead. Because she would do the same shit to me.

Although, I don't think I've laughed as hard as I did yesterday or was it the day before when she texted me? Oh my God, I'm gonna read it as funny as shit. It made me laugh so hard. So I forbid her for coming to like my shows, you know? And she's always trying to come to shows and she just drains the whole squad, like everyone. Everyone's like, oh, don't tell me your mom's here, right?

I'm like, yeah. She's an emotional vampire, like Colin Robinson from what we do in the show. A thousand percent. A thousand percent. The worst. Absolutely. And you know, when people first meet your mom,

they're like, yeah, she's great. She's so, so funny. And then a couple, she came on, a couple weekends last tour, and people were like, wow. Everyone needs a nap after they talk to her. And they're by in their tongue because it's me, it's my, and they're like, she gone, you know? And then when she, when I go, yeah,

she left this morning, they're like, can't you just feel, don't you feel lighter? Is there an earthy, earthy, feel better? Socks the air out of the room. I'm like, I try to tell you guys. God, she's a brick. So she text me, good morning to you and your family.

So formal. Remember how we agree that you will be happy to replace? So I told her she couldn't come to Vegas, but I would send her elsewhere. So she's like, you would replace the Vegas trip for a lot of dope trip. I have great news. Jan and I are able to go, that's okay.

I will send you my players card picture and all this stuff. If you send me your happy blessings, I love you, Tums. I am still your mother and then it says, da, da, da. Sorry, I am still around. I am sorry that I'm alive.

It's funny because it's true. Yeah, of course. Well, both of us were'm alive. It's funny because it's true. Yeah, of course. Well, both of us were all bummed out. Yeah. So I laughed so hard and I was like, yeah, sure. Send me the information. Yeah.

Sorry, I'm alive. Oh, fuck. She's, she's other level. I mean, she's coming to visit and I've already planned out an itinerary for her. Like, the secret to mother-in-law visit is like no idle time. The idle hands are the devil's playground with that one. And you guys know, like, we love having her on the podcast. Do you know that even that isn't exchange for her?

Like, there's no such thing of her just being like, you're my son. I love you. Yeah, like, my dad would always just be like, I'm gonna call you, or I just surprise him with a call, or I want you to do this. Okay. Yeah, and the idea is like, well, you're my son.

So you're asking me to do something, I'll just do it. My mom's like, what's in it for me? I mean, I told her I was like, we know we're gonna, we want a podcast when we come to visit and she was like, hold on, hold on. And what am I getting for this? Like, it's always, there's gotta be.

It's for tat. it's always, there's gotta be, there's always an exchange. Not just like, you're my son. Sure, you're mom. Yeah. No. Yeah, it's real kiss. You're marrying your mom?

Never, oh my God. Yeah, she is fucking just draining. Like, I'm already, she's coming to visit us in like three weeks and I'm already bracing for the drainage. Yeah, of course. I don't know how to fortify that. Well, I'll be gone, you know, every day. So I'm gonna leave it with you.

Don't you? Yeah. Yeah. It's your fucking prouder. Here's what we're planning on doing. Okay, so Sunday's church day. You know she loves the Lord. She's gonna go to Israel and flick her bean to JC.

But let's send her, like we'll do like church day, she's up, she's going to church. flicker bean to JC. But let's send her, like, we'll do like, church day, she's up, she's going to church. I'm not taking her, we'll find someone to take her, maybe Jane. And then like, hey, let's go tour other churches in the Austin area, or like Dallas, Houston. I know. And then she's like, it seems like you're trying to get rid of me. You give her some cash, or you go, here you go.

And then she's like, oh, okay. Because the thing is, the truth is, I almost puked, is that I do like her to be around our sons. Yeah. Because I think it's good for both of them. Like she gets love, they get love, that generational, whatever that I never got, obviously. But I hear it's good for you. Yeah, yeah. And you grandparents that don't on you and stuff. Yeah, it's good. It's cool. So I want to give that to them. You know? Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Uh. By the way, may I plug my Vegas, October 7th, I'll be doing the Venetian Summit showroom. And also, I've added a show in Denver, seven shows in Denver. One, the seventh show will be at the South Club. So get those tickets right now, right now.

And I added a day, I'm coming in on Wednesday. Anyway, I'm just plugging. You ready? I'm ready. Here we go. The limo driver that I was looking for someone to enjoy the night with. The introduction was made through the limo driver

and what happened. We had a few drinks. I had made some comments about warning Coke, so we got no limo on left. And we started drinking, I started snorting, he started smoking, I actually put my hand on his knee and started to rub up his thigh and I performed oral sex on Barack Obama. Brandy don't bring anyone loving to this Smokesman does blow with gay guys and cars. Cook's up that cooking.

Meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tommy, I have a question. I performed oral sex on Baroque. Did he, he said he warmed up the cocaine, like to make it crack? Or did I miss, I was heard? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's so cool though.

I know that guy ain't shit. That guy ain't shit Let me tell you something this fucking guy This guy is a real piece of work. Um, he is what's his name Larry Larry something Larry's in Claire Larry little kiss and tell Larry is a column. Oh kiss and tell you know, what's wrong with you man? Keep that shit shit I can't fucking blow a guy and be quiet about Obama's cool let him fucking live the following day I actually get a knock on my hotel room door in gurney Illinois only to find Barack Obama standing in front of it He had actually come back for seconds please I

Shucks on the hotel room at the comfort and a sweet and journey on what? Comfort. When did drugs involve in the second night as well? It was. Who produced those? He actually brought those with them. Now Obama at that time was a state senator. I actually had no idea who he was and they went and you find out that it was Barack Obama. Watching the 2004 DNC convention. Thank you very much everybody. He's like, hey, it's fucking blew that guy. Can I hit me? And I'm, he's so cute. At the time I was just kind of floored.

I mean, first of all, Obama's way better looking than this guy. It's so upsetting. I feel like it's such an insult to, I think Obama should come out and be like, hey, look. A bunch of guys have blown me, but this fucking pig is out of his mind. He thinks I would lower myself to let him blow me.

By the way, at a comfort in, like, come on, get out of here. I don't buy this. Get the fuck out of here, dude. Based on looks along. And look, my name is Montgomery Blair. That's him at the time on the right sitting down. Please conference. I perform for the dog blow. He left fucking the dog blow. Yeah. Like, it's insane.

Look at him. It's amazing. It's a double point. The limousine during the time Senator Obama was smoking crack cooking after the press conference. Yeah, he was smoking co-rested by the DC police department upon the orders of Bowbiden, Attorney General for Delaware. So this is Joe Biden's orders of Bowbite, Attorney General Fidelwar. So this is Joe Biden's son, Bowbite.

Yes. Apparently he had a grand jury indictment from two weeks after I went public on Obama accusing me of theft that never took place. Shortly before you made these public allegations about Obama, you were contacted, you say, by a man named Donald Young. Donald Young was the choir director and Jeremiah Wright's church in Chicago.

This is the church of Obama attended. Exactly. And what did Donald Young tell you? He too had intimate relations with Barack Obama and had for years. And that I needed to protect myself, that they were going to come after me. What happened to him? He was shot point blank and there's a partner. Damn.

The murder was never solved. No, it wasn't. There are white folks and then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you. I mean, come on, dude. This guy, so Larry's in clear just so you have the full. He's not cute. So that press conference was in O8, yeah.

He lives not cute. So that press conference was an oh wait. Yeah. Um, he lives in Coco. He, uh, he has a long history of lying, um, and of criminal fraud. He failed a polygraph when talking about his trist with Obama. Of course. And then he published the book called, uh, Barack Obama and Larry Sinclair cocaine, sex lies and murder question mark. He ran for mayor of Coco Beach and lost. Wow. Well, good for him. Gay man said he had sex with Obama and off. I mean, it's a wild thing. It is, I feel like it's very insulting to Obama.

I feel like just, I mean, not politically. I was saying just like, you know, when somebody approaches you and they're just way less attractive, and you'd be like- It's exciting. I remember like when I would get hit on when I was a single man, and it was like if it was like a really unattractive woman, I would be like, do you realize how fucking offensive this is right now?

It really is. It really is. Like you're pitching yourself to me, but I'm going to lower myself eight tears. Like it's fucking- Like no, you're value, you know, not exactly. And also, this is another reason why you should just deal with hookers. Like if he just had some male prostitute, this would not be an issue today.

Yeah, exactly. Everybody on damn fry. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, just higher hookers. Yeah, he's not. Obama's the best. He's fun. Sorry, I have mother fuck got nothing on me, right? It's not crazy. This interview that you got these clips from, this is amazing. Yeah, pretty great.

Yeah, pretty great. Wow, there you go. Can I tell you something embarrassing? Sure. I realize not only do I not know the difference between a cheetah and a leopard, still don't know. Yeah. I don't know the difference between Labor Day and Memorial Day, and I don't know when they occur.

This is very interesting. The only reason I've known when Labor Day is, and this is why I kind of know a little bit about the difference. Labor Day oftentimes kicks off the college football season, so I always know that that's in September. Memorial Day, I've heard many times, is in May. So I'm going with September for Labor Day.

Memorial Day is in May. I know you don't wear white after Labor Day, is that the whole thing? I guess that's the rule, which is it because you get your period and it'll show through the day. In the fall, I'm gonna get the period in the fall. Right.

And then, And then, And then, And Right. And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then,

And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then,

And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then, And then like Chinese people building railroads. I mean, it's like, thanks laborers. The, it's not like anybody on Labor Day is like,

let's take a moment and really think about the contributions of the labor force. Yeah, because you just get hammered and go on on the labor. It's just like a one days off. And you're like, I think there's gonna be a great game on tonight. That's what happens on Labor Day.

You're like, there's gonna be a good game tonight. And then Memorial Day, that's a little bit more significant because that's to honor those who have fallen in war. So the Memorial Day, the veterans who have died. And then Veterans Day, so then what is Veterans Day? Veterans Day is like all who have served. Memorial Day, those who have died. This is what I'm guessing, am I correct?

They really need to release a memo to explain this stuff. You should explain it to our children. To dummies like me. Yeah. Yeah. Federal holiday Labor Day celebrates the month. Yeah. See September the American labor movement and the works and contributions of the laborers to the development and

achievements of the United States. I mean, it's a nice gesture, but who really gives a who actually fucking. Well, and what are we doing to those? Are we sending them checks? Memorial day is federal holiday honoring the US military personnel who died while serving. We should send labor day people, like every laborer,

should just get a six pack in the mail. Thank you. You're here. Yeah. That's, you know what I mean? Yeah, thanks a lot, Joe Biden. Yeah. Veterans Day, federal holiday observed,

yeah, honoring military veterans. That's, so people, annually on November, I didn't know that was November. I don't know what that shit is. Yo, you could have asked me like when's veterans day and I'd be like no clue February 14th. I have no clue when that is. That's a November.

I didn't know that was coming. I have no clue and that's so close to Thanksgiving. Yeah. And that's why they're like don't wear your white after a veteran's day. Yeah, because then you have diarrhea and you're all your nice Thanksgiving clothes. This is an excellent point. Um over also want to point out that um Jimmy Buffett died I know and

It was um, you know, I guess Margarita Villa favorite place to go and have drinks and party And I would have never like I wouldn't have even commented on except for the fact that my buddy I wouldn't have even commented on, except for the fact that my buddy, Bert Kreischer, he posted this photo of him meeting Jimmy Buffett, but then his caption really floored me. It says, I can't tell you how much this man meant to me. Oh my God.

It was an absolute privilege to know him. I've modeled so much of my life and career. Oh my God. By the impression that he and his music made on me, growing up in Florida, I was like, what? Salt, salt, salt. I got drunk. I mean, yeah, that's Jesus Christ.

Pour yourself a margarita, put on songs you know by heart and toast an absolute legend, Rip Jimmy Buffett. I mean, the thing that I took from that was when he goes, I modeled my life and career after this guy's shitty music. Right. It just songs about getting ripped. So, so, so, like, that's where you modeled after.

I mean, I could even help myself. I just wrote Jesus Christ really. I was like, what the fuck is going on with this guy? I mean, I really can't think of a worse. I can't think of worse people to model your life. And drunks? Yeah, what if you're like, you know, deaf leopard, I don't know,

what's like, it's just so stupid. This is the worst person to model your existence at. I mean, and it's like, you're modeling yourself literally after it, like the parrot heads. Those are like beach walkers that are just like, I gave up on civilization, I just wanna be drunk. Yeah, they're just losers Yeah, like it's basically a place you go. It's the last place you should go in a great location

For instance, if you're in like cancun or something. It's where idiots go Margaritaville, right? Oh my god I mean, it's the last play. It's like going to Chili's or so. I don't know right. It's like I just can't imagine it's like if I Chili's or so, I don't know, right? It's like, I just can't imagine. It's like if you go like, oh, Cheech and Chong died, I've modeled my life and career after the fact that they smoke a lot of weed. Yeah, like what the fuck are you talking about? I mean, unless we're missing something, did Jimmy Buffett have a philosophy of life

that I'm unaware of? Okay, keep drinking. Yeah. Keep drinking, who you w? Okay, keep drinking. Yeah. Keep drinking. Who you woken up, you should drink more. You know what's crazy is we found, by the way, one of the things that I think Bert modeled his last paragraph.

You know what's perfect. So there's a song that he actually had kind of removed from his discovery. Scrubbed, if he will. Scrubbed in many ways. It's called, please take your drunk and 15-year-old go-front home. This is real.

Cool. And so here's how it goes. Yeah. The chorus, please take your girlfriend home. She's only 15, she shouldn't be back here alone. I'm horny and my mind begins to roam. So please take your drunk and 15-year-old girlfriend home.

She's this. Verse one, she found Mama's quailoodailood script a few just right before the show. She's no beer drinker She used the bathroom 15 times. I know her overchairs were rather crude Her boyfriend he was more than rude to me. I'm 28 and I don't date. I still know classy women who like me Corris so please take your girlfriend home. She's only 15, she shouldn't be back your alone. I'm horny and my mouth begins to foam. Jesus. So please take your 15 year old girlfriend home.

Verse two, she said our show was rather dull. She liked Jethro Toul more than she liked us. She said a cab cost 20 bucks. I gave her 30 cents to ride the bus. When she hit me with a mic, something with which I could not agree. When she said she dug the harmonica player, a whole lot more than she dug me.

So please take your girlfriend home. She's only 15, she shouldn't be back here alone. Oh, take her to go read the Rolling Stone, and please take your 15 year old girlfriend home. Wonderful song, incredible lyrics. I've modeled my life and career after this man. Well, fuck a dip shit. What a dip shit.

Oh, God. You know, but this idea of being of age and consent, this is new. You forget that Elvis Presley was banging Presley, it was probably 15. Jerry Lee Lewis was fucking his 13-year-old cousin who he married. I mean, this is nothing anymore.

The thing is, you really have to be a high achiever to do that. To get that young, a person. For people to go like, yeah, because that's what happens like, I'm fucking a 15 year old. Everyone's like, well, he's very successful.

He's like, guys, you have to really entertain the shit out of people to get that kind of, yeah, the past. Yeah, well, yeah, I mean, look, he's done. But you know, it's funny, and not funny, but which true, is that in Europe, the age of consent is 16

I believe and in some parts of Europe I think in Italy it might even be 15 No, the Italians have a different perspective I just say cockroaches of Europe You have to see the pussy, the flower, the girls like these when they are teens Oh, 14 years old is the age of teens Italian Italian Yeah, 14 14 years old is the age of 18. Salih. Yeah. Yeah.

14. Yeah. Okay, because I remember my dad one time, it was so gross. He was like, I mean, what's the big deal? I think 15 years old, you should know. Well, that's why those that he grew up around. Like, so you come to the States and they're like, Hey, 18, you're like, hold the fuck on.

18. My fucking old lady. Yeah. You're pumping out kids at 14. 18 you're like hold the fuck on 18 my fucking an old lady Yeah Pumping out kids at 4th You know you know happening in Spain. Oh my god. The women's were the winners of the women world cup was Spain Mm-hmm, and I believe what happened here is that the coach in like his excitement of winning grab the women's player

and kiss her. On the mouth? Yeah, and it's sent like all of Spain. Is he cute? Yeah, he's hot, he can kiss her. Like that's it. So what, that's not a tongue. That's the thing right there. And there are foreigners, foreigners do that.

And then since she's not straight anyway She got she's like upset about it She yeah, yeah, I would have mind kissing him I Think it all here's the thing when people are outraged the whole thing is like who you do it to of course Right because what is but don't you think your hotness should negate like Elvis was hot Yeah, sure. This guy's good looking. He should be able to kiss her on the lips.

Well, the thing is, she's like, takes it as a full violation, right? Like, isn't her position that like, I was kissed against my will? Who is it? And it's humiliating. It's technically true. And then they've come down on him like the head of the hit set. So Jorge Vilda has been sat from his role as head coach of the Spanish women's soccer team.

Mid the ongoing followed over the unwanted kiss that soccer chief, okay. Luis Ruyadas gave a player at the Women's World Cup. So the coach is the guy is not the one who did it, right? Yeah, that guy's the coach. And he's gone now just just because he signed off on it or whatever. Well, he's not gonna have read out his boss.

Right. Well, Rubiala has apologized for his actions to describe the kiss as mutual, and claimed that the woman, or most so denied, saying she was not respected, he was handed a 90-day suspension. I mean, I had actually heard this news and hadn't seen that footage,

and I understand that kissing somebody Against their will but you feel like you win the world cup and like emotions are high You're rational. I don't know and also I feel like but I feel like even women are gonna have Different opinions on this. I look it is the heat of the moment. They're both adults First of all and also in in male sports and foosball, you guys are always slapping each other's asses and dick slaps and all that, right? Yeah. Hitting each other's cock, scissoring each other in the locker room. This is so, I don't know. To me, I don't think it's, and she's smiling. She doesn't look creeped out when it happens. She just went the world cup. Yeah, she's soaked. But also,

I mean, I could see almost anybody doing that in that moment. Yeah, he's like, you take great. And it wasn't like a prolonged, it wasn't like, yeah, I look, I think it's an excited innocent. He doesn't tunger. He doesn't hold her head there. Yeah, he's just pumped. I don't know. I look, then again, you know, sometimes women have been assaulted or something

in the past and it's you don't know what her history is. If this happened to me, I'd be like, it's a big nothing burger. I'd be like, oh my god, the fucking guy. Just get you. Did you get me? I wouldn't think to things of it either. Sure. And he's, you know, he's got a lot of money and he's a handsome. I'd be like, hey, me, make him score the president of the football team, you know what I mean? Or whatever it's football club. What do you call this shit? Maybe I'll fucking hook up with this guy, you know what I mean? And also, yeah, anyway, I'm way more bit of a peg when it comes to this stuff.

I have to say that I probably would have just kissed each one. Each of the chairs. Yeah. I mean, we won the World Cup. You two. And on their Tetas. Yeah Each of the two. Every player. Yeah. I mean, we want to roll up. You too. And on their Tetas? Yeah, of course.

Show me your Tetas. A 140 Tetata? Yeah. You so sweaty. I like it. I like to just think. Yeah, I mean, it was a public display. Yeah.

He's not really, I don't know. And they're a fucking Spaniard. Spaniards aren't they more heated? Yeah, it's supposed to be they're like I Pushing love romance whatever you did for spec me when you can I mean it's a kiss in the moment Isn't it like what are we Americans now and then and then this furthers that whole gay fucking thing that people are like You should ask someone can I give you a kiss? No, you shouldn't well We we had to remember when we were asking consent for our babies, we had to change their diapers.

That took five whole minutes every time. Blink ones for us. Is it okay if I change your poopy diaper? I mean, baby, go. Yeah. Yeah, it's too far. It's an over correction. I mean, again, maybe she's been assaulted.

I don't fucking know, it did. Anyway, we stay with you, coach. Yeah. Just fridge it, bitch, right? You want to work up, fucking chill the fuck out a little bit. No. Show a little excitement. Alright, let's take a quick break.

We'll be right back. And we are very excited to welcome to the podcast for the first time. Mr. Dance Outer, everybody. Yeah, I like it. Thank you guys. I want to make sure that we tell people they can see you on tour, dancellord.com for tickets and the new podcast, The Regs with Lewis Gomez, Robert Kelly, Joe Lists, you can listen to Gastiginal.

Yeah, Gastiginal, YouTube, Lewis J Gomez too. Excuse me, Lewis J Gomez. They'll go, I'm trying to fight me if I correct you. And pretty soon there'll be a new Sodor podcast. Yeah, starting a up, starting a, me and a guest. You and a guest soon, okay? It has to happen, because that's comedy.

Yeah, yeah, you gotta have it, you gotta have the video, you gotta be able to download it and it's gotta be you talking shit with somebody. And if you don't, like I wonder if you get fired from comedy, they're like turning your podcast. Like you're, like you're, like you're badging your gun. It sounds like it turns it in. It sounds like you have to have one,

it's almost like saying you don't have a website or something. It feels that way. It feels is, you know, it feels as dumb as when, I was one of the last people to go to texts when texts came out on cell phones. I was like, call me. Why wouldn't you just text me?

And then my roommate, who's my buddy was like, you're the dumbest person I've ever met. You have to have text messaging. And I turned it on all these texts came through and I was like, oh're the dumbest person I've ever met. You have to have text messaging. And I turned it on and all these texts came through and I was like, oh, so everyone's doing this. And they're like, it was just a year. 2019 was just like, this is honestly later than you think it is. I think it was like, oh, six, oh, five or oh, six,

where he was, it was a girl that I was like trying to pursue. And I was like, I haven't heard from her. My buddy was like, you don't have text messaging turned on and I was like, wow. Yeah, but who's texting? Everybody. I said it like, this is a good to take on. Yeah.

We're still doing the the Italian version and doing like, a, a, a, for like, he's still to that. Oh yeah. He was doing, when I saw him last, he was like, text me. I sent him a text and then I saw him open for flip phone. I didn't find one. And do like, you know, three taps to get to the right letter

and you're like, whoa. Soon you're gonna have to walk a giant staircase on a mountain to see a tell. He's just gonna be in like one of those, I feel like he's gonna be a monk where you're gonna be like, to see David, you must pass these tests. It's cool.

I love that he's still rich. The world's cigarettes. Yeah. God, I'm a cigarettes. Do you guys know? Yeah. For 17 years and I loved it. I still miss it's so rich. The world. The world. The world. The world. The world. The world.

The world. The world. The world. The world. The world. The world. The world. The world.

The world. The world. The world. The world. The world. The world. The world. The world.

The world. The world. The world. The world. The world. The world. That's the thing. That's cool. Are we acting like, but here's the thing. You look cool. I think you look cool if you are cool. Cause when you see some animal smoking, like standing waiting for the bus and he's like, I miss the moon the most. You know what I mean? I miss the most. But I'm so happy.

When I see someone close to killing themselves when that cigarette's the only thing that holds them, that's what I miss. But when you say, but when the person is like, you know, he's wearing, he's like morbidly obese, he's got slides on, right?

He's got a torch, you're like, this guy looks like shit, and you're like, oh, he looks worse. But like when someone's sexy is smoking, you're like, oh. It's the Florida smoker that's gross. Like when it's hot out, the guy's a dirt bag.

Do you hot cigarettes the worst? Or in the car? You see him in the car? No, no, no. I will say, car cigarettes are what I car. You see them in the car. No, no, no. I will say car cigarettes are what I miss, possibly the most. Really? Oh my God, just being, criticizing someone's driving

while a cigarette bounces in your mouth, and I just try to light it, you go, fucking merge. And then you're like, I love it. I miss it so much about hot cigarettes. In cigarettes when you're in a hurry. When you're like walking fast somewhere and you're too much.

Those are the two worst. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But cold weather, cold raining, and you have like outside, but you're under some awning or something. Really romancing this drug right now. I love it. I love it.

My fiance and I have, we have an agreement. We're staying in what we call the blast radius anywhere where a nuke can get dropped in that wave hits. That's so New York. We're staying in New York for that reason Yeah, because if there ever is Threat of nuclear fallout cigarette time first time for sure like downstairs to the Yeah, if that you've been you been, you know, 10 years, I haven't smoked.

10 years. But I still smoke weed, and I think it's half because I like getting high, half because I really miss cigarettes. Yeah. And they have these cigarettes in Colorado when weed went legal, called, what are they called?

They sell them at green solutions. They're called incognitos. Yeah. They look like cigarettes, cigarette paper, cigarette butts, filled with weed. Oh, and I'll tell you what, I got one of those and I had a rental car. I was driving around my old neighborhood that I grew up in, smoking it, feeling like I was smoking a cigarette. I had to pull over. Right. Because when it hit me, I was like, this isn't a cigarette. I smoked the whole thing. Oh shit.

Oh. I just parked by one of my old friends' houses, just sweating in the winter. You know, like, really? Oh, dude, just don't freak out. No, you can't. You can't walk out. They're having me once there,

and then once I was like, I'll do it again, and I only smoked half, and I smoked half, and I got too high to go inside the Chick-fil-A. Yeah. I hate when that was. Or I just sat in the car and I was like, just go in there. That's the way it was.

Go in. That's what it took me from more weed in the last, I would say even actually the last 20 years. Like when I moved to LA, I was ripping bongs every day and every night. I feelin' no, I mean, yeah, hot, yeah, no anxiety. And then also, I started to get into more day job stuff and just started tapered down

cause that was out of college. So you know, it's like reducing, reducing, then it's weekends, so the weekdays stopped smoking. So my tolerance just went away after, cause then I just stopped and then, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just had been a minute, and I remember doing it, I never really understood people doing it before standup. And I don't drink before standup, I don't do anything. You never did, you never drank anything?

Do you ever drink anything for me? I tried it, I remember when I was featuring for the one time I like featuring for you, maybe. I don't know, anyway, I did an Indianapolis when I was a brand new feature act, and I was like never again, because you can't gauge how you're doing. Oh man, I don't Indianapolis when I was a brand new feature act, and I was like, never again, because you can't gauge how you're doing. Oh, man.

I don't like it at all. I don't like it because it makes me, I don't like the fact that like, if something doesn't work in my mind, I'm like, yes, because you're not quick right now. You just spiral. Yeah, I start to go like, You start slipping.

I don't like it. I only recently stopped getting high before I go on stage. Oh wow. I started, I mean, for the first however many years, I would wanna say nine years of, eight or nine years of doing stand-up, I would do a shot in a beer before every set. What?

And then I would have beers. I did, I blacked out a couple times on late shows. Seriously? Oh, I thought you meant like television late shows. No, no, no, no, no. I just like late shows. I'm just, I thought you meant like television late shows. No, no, no. I was like late show by the end. I'm just like, so my dick you ginger. I do what the fuck I want, Leno.

Your chin's fucking annoying me. No, it was, I remember it was at laughs in Kirkland, Washington. And it was like light, you know, very light. And so the first show was fun, but I was like, I'll keep drinking. And then I had a friend come out that I hadn't seen in years and we were like doing shots. And then I don't remember the way you showed.

And did you, did you hear how it went though? They were like, this is the worst part. They were like, it was unbelievable. And so then you're like, I found the secret sauce. Oh, yeah. And that's why they warned you not to do that. Yes. Because they go, if you go, oh, this is what it helps.

That's what it helps. There were times doing the bonfire where J and I would get high. We'd smoke a joint before the show. And it's like, you know, serious XM, very corporate, but we'd just be out front, rip and joints. The entire time. Sometimes J would bring joints that were were too strong and he can handle his shit. He's a big boy. He can get real high. Do we would go on air and I just like, I hate that feeling. I mean, you're making me anxious right now.

Just hearing about it because I think you can listen back to some episodes where we're talking and at one point I go, I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about. That was just like in my head, like what the fuck? The Columbus Funny Bone. That was one of the hardest I've ever bombed. And they're on top of you. They're on top of you. That's a phenomenal room.

And I went there in 2009 with Rogan. He was gonna do, he shot a special the next day. Okay. So he was like, I wanna do the club because it's like an off day. Sure. The night before I tape. Great. So, Flyin' Town, I'm with him and Ari.

I don't know if somebody else is on the show. I can't remember. But anyway, we're in the parking lot and he's like, hit it, and I'm like, I don't know, I don't do that. And he's like, come on, and you know, just like, don't be a bitch. Yeah, don't get me every time. Of course, you're like, I'm not a bitch.

So I take, I just take a deep pool, right? And I'm not smoking a lot at the time. And it's his weed, which is always. It's like the, it's crazy. It's not even weed at that point. No, it's always different drugs. It's always some crazy, is this meth? Yeah, right.

And I remember just being like, right away being like, right, like, oh God. And then I go like, who's, who's, what's the order? What are we gonna do? And he's like, how about you go first? And then I'm like, okay. So I walk out, first I run into strupe, who at the time, you know, everyone's like, Don Juan. And they go, you gotta like, okay. So I walk out, first I run into Strupp, who at the time,

you know, everyone's like, Don Juan. They go, you gotta like show out. You're killing fun of him and people that don't know out of context, Dave Strupp was lived in Columbus and if you went to the funny bone and did well there, when you were coming up, your calendar could get set. Yeah, that's a feature act.

Yeah, he'd be like, I want you to open for this person, this person, this person. And then you go kind of like, That's how you start. Yeah, he was I want you to open for this person this person this person and that you go kind of like that's how you start Yeah, he was already giving me work, but it was like second. You know, I mean like my agent or something This is the first time he's gonna see in the flesh and person. I meet him I'm like, hey man, and then he's like, oh, you know hurt hurt some good things. I'm like cool Yeah, I go out there and out things. I'm like, cool. So I go out there and out of the gate,

not like a snot, it builds this out of the gate. Just so flat, like I make off the cuff comment that doesn't land. And then I go into my act and I, I mean, there's no dressing this up. I just bomb, I keep bomb. Cause when you're high, you're so locked in. Yeah.

You're so locked into what you know that you're like, some people can fuck around. Yeah. Like I've seen Jay get high before. Yeah. Sure. Like a Rory school or just a school. I see school to hold a whole joint for a team.

To LSD before. And you're like, how do you even, or my foot, I think? But like what I was. I disappeared on the John Oliver show and came back. What? Reaking like weed and head one of the best sets I've ever seen in my life. That's amazing.

One of the best sets I've ever seen. You can do that though. You can't do that. When I got past the seller, I'm maybe there for like three months at the time and I'm still drinking but I'm like very worried about doing well at that club. Uh huh. I was like hyper focused on like, I got to do great. I got to do, it was the weekend and Big J comes down in the stairwell. He's like hyper focused on like I got to do great. I got to do it was the weekend

and big J comes down in the stairwell. He's like he going up soon. He was the late show. He goes take a couple hits. Come on and I go all right fine. Now usually I'll smoke like at least 30 minutes before the shit. This was right before I was going up and so I take a hit and I'm like all right. And then they bring me on stage. I remember this vividly. I did a joke, a new joke that had been working in this girl in the audience gets up to leave and I go, oh, miss, where are you going? She goes, I heard you do this last week. Hey.

She waves me off like that. She goes, I heard you do this last week and I'm like, yeah. What do you go to a concert and they just jam and I'm starting to spiral and then Bill Mar and Estee walk in the room and go to the side where they like, so now the booker and fucking Bill Mar are just sitting there and I'm like, I gotta kill,

but I can't do shit that maybe some people have seen so I'm like going in my Rolodex and it was just. That's the worst when you bomb in front of people who make Very big decisions in this business. Yeah, I've eaten dicks. Yeah, I'm kind of like club owners Bookers I bombed out my late night. What was it live at Gotham? Yeah, you know how they gave you seven minutes Yeah, I finished my audition in five And thank you. Yeah.

So that's what you talked about this. No, no, no, no. And then Bill Marlator was like, hey, like said something or whatever and I was like, there's no way you thought that was good. Yeah, because I was scratching at the walls. It's for anyone that works at a regular job or a place outside of comedy, if your boss just sat down

next to you at your desk and was like, why are you doing it like that? And you're like, I don't know, because I'm extra nervous that you're sitting next to me. Then if you were high, so recently, and my fiance's laughs, because I come home from doing stand-up not high. And I'm like, it went great.

She's like, oh, that's crazy. Oh, I wonder why. What's the recipe? Yeah. Maybe you weren't fucking loaded on stage. What are you saying? Do what I got off to I ran industry. Oh, he was like, yeah, you know, he's like, what happened up there? I was like, I just a, Joe does drugs. I'm so high right now. Joe does a lot of drugs. Yeah. And he forces it on us.

Oh my God. So he brought it, you know, for he was like, I go, what did you, like, because later on I got to, you know, time went by. Sure. And then you, and then it worked out. It worked out. I was like, what did you, like, what would he was like,

I just, I didn't know what was happening. Oh. I was like, I'd heard about you, like, search your name. Yeah. And then when I saw, I was like, I just, I didn't know what was happening. I was like, I'd heard about, like, your name. Yeah. And then when I saw, I was like, the thing. It's so bad. But I do feel like people that watch comedy a lot, like these, these Dave's troops of the world and Adam Eget, they know what's good and what's bad.

And they can tell if a guy is probably good, but having an off, something's not right that day. Yeah. You know, you can usually tell what level somebody's at. They can have a better day. You see that you're like, either someone proficient, but he's all, he's all, he's all, he's all. He's going first and locking up.

It was terrible. It was terrible. It was going first and tough already. He made me do it, I would say made me because I'm gonna blame him. But I remember we did a theater in Vancouver, also in that era, like, 07 0708 or 9 something like that. And he was like, hit this, hit this.

And I was like, oh, and I did. And then I went on there. And I actually, I didn't bomb. Yeah. But I was so like, you know, like you hear like, I was like, like during the set, you know, just like, just so jittery. And then, yeah, cause you got squirrel energy.

I got off and I was like, oh, sorry about that. He was like, what? I was like, I didn't feel good. He was like, what are you talking about? I was like, I was hearing things. He goes, those are where we're a plausible. I was like, no, that's like the opposite of the street family. I was like, now is here another stuff.

And he was like, no, I was like, no, no, I don't enjoy that. I can't do that anymore. Like that was too much for me. Montreal, I think it was when I met you in 2012. That was like the one that one of the times we met. Montreal, 2012, Ari was like, hey, I'm doing a storyteller show. And there's a lot of drugs.

And we're gonna eat mushrooms. And everyone's gonna tell a story about when they ate mushrooms. And I was like, done. He's got them in the green room, we eat them. And then he comes back to me and goes, it's only me and you that are eating them. Everyone else doesn't want to do them. I'm like, what?

Why now? Why now? Can I go first? Because I started, when he said no one else was doing it, I was like, okay, but you got a host. So who the heck are hanging out with? And he's like, just do your story first. And I went up there and it was going so,

it was at the Cleopatra, you know that like strip club that's upstairs. It was going so well. And then a light under the stairs that lets people know where the stairs are, turned on, turned off, and turned back on. And it was like that, it just freaked you out. It's done.

It was done. I just started bombing and I got off stage. Second started bombing. I was like, all right, I actually am on motion. I gotta go. I'm gonna go take a walk in the city. It's done. It was done. I just started bombing and I got off stage. Second started bombing, I was like, all right, I actually am on motion, I gotta go. I'm gonna go take a walk in the city. That's the nice way to, you have to do that. And then I did, I walked out of the Cleopatra and I just walk around Montreal listening to my iPod.

Yeah, yeah. If you wanna see me bomb, give me some weight, I'm sure I will just eat shit. That's kind of a fun idea. I've even done shows where like it's a high show, like in Toronto. Yeah. And the room is just full of weed. And I got a fun idea. I've even done shows where it's a high show in Toronto. Yeah. And the room is just full of weed.

And I got a contact high. So bad that I couldn't even remember my set list. And I had to open my book and be like, dude, where am I? Like I was forgetting punchlines. Because I don't smoke pot. When you start scrambling and you're like, I remember there's,

it's like, go fast. Dude, at the old Creek in the cave they used to do the show Midnight run and they would do those volcano bags, you know Yeah, hit those huge volcano bags It was right when Macho Man Randy Savage died and so they were like come by and do the ghost of Macho man And so I hit the vape bag and I went out there with those like silly sunglasses and I was doing Macho man And I could feel myself about to pass out. Oh, really?

Where I was like, dude. Do you do a good matrimon? Yeah, but I was like, do not collapse. Yeah. Because it's a lot of like, you very much, and I just saw my eyes starting to close and I was like, I got a cold and I just left and I sat in the back like, because dude, the last thing I needed was just to fall down in these glasses. Oh man.

What's the, I haven't heard you do it, but you do a good shapel. Oh yeah, we prank phone called Shapel on Legion of Skanks. We called him? No, we pranked, sorry, we pranked phone called a new, a Fox News producer that thought Lewis, Jay Gomez had given her Dave Shapel's number, but he had given her Dave Smith's number. It's on YouTube in this part of the episode, but I was just at home playing video games, and they were like, hey, can you call this lady as Dave Chappelle?

And she fucking bit me. It's a bit hard. And it was like, I was trying to just keep talking about how important Lewis was, the comedy. But then I would just add different things in where I'd be like, I've heard he's got a very dangerous footfish. I wouldn't show you toes if I was around him.

And she was like, oh my God, I think I was wearing open-toed sandals. So she thought she was talking to Chappelle. That's great, man. That's amazing. Were you always doing him? I was, I mean, I'm a massive Chappelle fish. Sure.

In 2012 at the seller, I got blackout drunk and hung out with him. And I was like telling him old bits he hadn't done on any specials. And I think it freaked him out. And I've stayed away from him ever since. Ever since then. Because I felt that moment where I was like, I think, I think this is a lot. I was like, do you remember, used to, the white people eat bit was so much longer. And he was like, man, you know my bits better than I do.

But he did have, I had the coolest moment, possibly ever in stand up, speaking of cigarettes. At the seller that night, he got off stage and he came and hung out at the table and he was sitting next to me holding a cigarette. And I was like, I always want to know what kind of cigarettes. I've been like, I've been going to see cigarette and I was like, I always wanted to know what kind of cigarettes. I've been like, I've been going to see you since I was 16. I just want to know what kind of cigarettes you smoke.

And he was like, oh, I smoke American spirits. And he had me on the back. I was like, this is, we're at the table at the olive tree inside and I go, oh, you wanna go smoke a cigarette? And he goes, smoke right here. And I go, whoa, I can't, because I need this place for rent.

But you're Dave Chappelle, you can smoke here if you want to. And he goes, you can if Dave Chappelle lights you cigarette. And you went and I looked at SD and SD went like that. And I took and I swore to God by the third drag. Every waiter and bartender was staring at me like, fucking soda gets to smoke and say, yeah, yeah. And I was like, this is fucking unbelievable.

And I took a couple hits and I put it in the, I put it in like the asterisk and he was like, thank you. But I was like, dude, that was, I got smoke and sighed. That's, that's the ultimate measure of fame. Yeah. Is that there's literally places where they go like, the city will find us and shut everything down and police are gonna come and he's like I'm based Yeah, I'm not just smoke yeah, I'm just standing in the hallway and you're like you can do this and he's like I can

He just smokes amazing crazy. I'll put money on I bet he could smoke in a hospital He would yeah, we're gonna be like probably that baby's about to be delivered Yeah, it's a probably that baby's about to be the Relations it's a boy I'm not supposed to be doing this so close to your newborns face Can't believe you show that out of your pussy lady Pussy is never gonna be the same He's hitting the baby with his knee With the umbilical cord Dave can knee or the umbilical cord.

Dave, can you knee the umbilical cord? Yeah. It's crazy. I mean, I remember the comedy store just in that hallway just ripping both in the hallway. Creepy. I know, but when you think back to like, it wasn't that crazy. It wasn't that crazy. 20 years. Yeah. 20, like 90s. But to get away with it. Well, remember, you could smoke on airplanes. I don't. I've never remembered the best. When I would fly to like 90. But to get away with it. Well, remember you could smoke on airplanes. Like I don't I've never remembered the best when I would fly to like hungry. Yeah. Oh, international time. International what they would do is they would go, you know, you're in a big plane with say 300 people. You're a tube. They go, all right, Rose 27 back or smoking section. Yeah. And like, road 26 is like me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then you just see smoke.

Plumes. Just whole cloud of smoking people back there just ripping the whole time. Dude, and I love that because I didn't, my parents didn't know I smoked. So I'd be on these flights and I'd be like, dude, like I can say, I was in the smoking section.

Oh, you blame it on everybody. Yeah, that's so good. The thing is, I think one of the big things about smoking too now is that everybody who wants to smoke goes, can you smoke here? Yeah, it's a stutter step. And then like Dave, what he does is he just smokes. And people are like, are you fucking crazy?

And you're like, huh? And then you're like, then they go like that guy. And he's like, oh yeah. My M-B-B. Yeah. This is allowed. Stan Hope was doing that for a while. Yeah, you just smoke.

Stan Hope had a great special that he filmed at Gotham Comedy Club and he like changed the interior so it doesn't look like it. He goes on, it was a showtime special and he opens by smoking and he goes, yes, I can smoke because there's some flaw in your theater laws that because of that, I can smoke on stage because you guys don't want to

fuck up a version of a Tennessee Williams play. I think it's like the line that he said. And he's just ripping bots and you're like, I love it. I wanna get back to it. You know, thinking about smoking, the only thing I would do differently if I could go back and do it again

is buy multiple cartons at once. Because I was, I mean, where you were broke usually when, so was I, it was like. So stupid, I should just buy multiple packs. I would only do one at a time because I shared the delusion that this might be my last. Yeah, it is.

Maybe ill quit by the time these are gone and like that never happened. Then you get to three cigarettes and you go, I gotta go get a pack. Yeah. Man Bobby Kelly and his wife quit when I first started opening for him and he was like, yeah dude, I don't know,

we've done smoking. Come over to my house. I got three cartons and it was like a cartoon cloud of dust that I was gone and at his house. Yeah. Let me get them. I don't care what they were. The apartment lights and these weird camel black packs

like a pink outline. You just wrote those. I mean, dude, three cartons in my freezer. It was the fucking best. Remember when you were a real smoker? And if you switched brands, it would give you a cough. Yeah, and you'd be like, oh, sorry, I'm adjusting to these Marvel mediums. That's so gross.

Oh my god. Feel like your body would get used to that too much. Or like when you'd be like, what do you got Marble Lights? Yeah, you got Camel Lights guy. Yeah, Camel Lights was what I was into. That's what I was. That was open to, and now they're called Camel Blues. I know, super gay.

I don't know why. Yeah, but dude, the second rush is like we're gonna Nuke you yeah, I'm back. I'm back. Call me Joe Campbell. You know, I had a teacher. I've told this before but I had a teacher a history teacher in high school and Mr. Stein But he was like he would just a lot of times he would just sit and talk you know, he would teach talk about life And he was like what do I miss the most? Smoking.

And he goes, I'll tell you this, if I am ever diagnosed with cancer, the next thing I will do is buy cigarettes, and he's gonna get them. And you know, in high school, he was definitely in his 50s or whatever. And then I found out, you know, I'm out of college wherever they go,

Mr. Stein got cancer. And I was like, is he smoking? They're like, how'd you know that? I was like, how, is he smoking? They're like, how'd you know that? I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. And then it comes through on his word.

He's like a Mr. Stein sit down. We found a, we found a tumor, the size of a baseball. He's like, fuck. I know what I'm doing immediately. Immediately. I'm kidding. That is smokes. Maybe that is the way to like,

he's like, if I'm going out, I'm going out smoking. You should put that on your chart, so your doctors know where they go. Good news bad news. What do you want first? You go bad news. Cancer, good news, smoke again. He's smoking.

This thing is aggressive. You're not gonna laugh at all. You got three months. I'd get your house in order, but also bike up extra layers. Yeah, you're gonna need a bike and go through. It's pretty loud. Yeah.

Speaking of gay, you live in New York, and you've worked in corporate America in a way, right, as an employee. Have you, were you forced to watch this? Now, you will watch a video about gender. The video is audio described for people who are blind or have low vision. In a classroom, two people present. We're going to take two minutes to talk about gender. Oh, this has nothing to do with me.

Well, actually, gender does have to do with you. Not me. Hold on. Everyone has a relationship with gender. Whether you've thought about gender a little or a lot, it has impacted you. How you were named, what clothes you wear, expectations about what jobs you can do. And you get the point.

Yep, every single person watching this video has been talked about gender from the very beginning, from birth. So this video, oh my god, is the New York City Commission on Human Rights has been requiring businesses with more than 15 employees to submit workers to gender training. And so this training includes a mandatory video that teaches that biological sex can be changed. But. It's just crazy when you take corporate speak because it's got the corporate feel. I know.

Let's not get in trouble. Yeah, yeah. With what's supposed to be progressive ideas and you're like, so you're just making them worse? ideas and you're like see you're just making them Worse like yeah, you're just making it cornea and there's no way to do this in a cool way Like yeah, they're trying to make it cool. Yeah, you know, what if they just show a surgery of a dick and cut off Do I have your attention to your figure? I got your attention. We're lopping off cocks here Do I got your attention? We're lopping off cocks here.

There you go. This is so sweet. It's so sweet. No! Oh my god. You think that elbow skin is just an elbow? Wrong. If you're a lady who wants a cock, it's a dick.

Oh my god. We need to define people, right? So when people are born, society defines them by looking at their reproductive organs and labels them male or female. It's like with that. That's wrong. Oh, actually, it's more complicated.

Oh, well, let's just see. If she has a big enough pussy, we're going to call her something else. Okay. Dude, that is. Wait, I'm learning. Hold on, it's more complicated. It is more complicated. Well, gender can be broken down into gender expression or gender identity.

But look at some gender identities I'm Sophie and I'm cisgender the majority of people in our world identify as cis gender Sometimes without us even knowing it cis means I identify with the gender. I was assigned at birth when I was born the doctor said It's a girl and I still identify as a woman today. That's pretty cool work out the majority of I'm also a woman so when I was a baby man holds a blue blanket Hold on hold on positive How do we know that's a man? We already broke in their own rules

When they're talking to the blind people the blind guy goes, I don't know. Let me smell them. Yeah, yeah I don't know if he's a man definitely a smoker yeah he's wearing perfume but it's perfume for a lady the blanket revealing a pink one now I'm a trans woman I identify as a woman even though when I was born I was assigned something different and that's a basketball player flies me out to fuck him, I'm a secret. And he was deaf signs. I'm Garrett. I'm a cisgender man. When I was born, everyone said,

Put him in a river, he's defective. Yeah, that's what's busted. What do you want to do? You want to mose them? We can put them in a basket. We throw them in a river. Hi, I'm Bailey. Oh my god. People surround Bailey with pink. And I'm also a man, even though I was assigned female at birth. People tear away pink to reveal blue. I'm a trans man.

Hi, I'm C. Hi, I'm Lindsay. And we're non-binary. For me, that means I don't identify as either a woman or a man. C and Lindsay are hidden in the same place. I'm a trans man. I'm a trans man. Hi, I'm C. Hi, I'm Lindsay and we're non-binary. For me, that means I don't identify as either a woman or a man. C and Lindsay are hinted what they call it balloons. And for me, that means I don't identify with a gender at all. Lindsay tosses balloons.

I think the thing that I would be most bothered by is just having to watch this video. That's what I was just saying. That's what I was just saying. None of the messages in it, I would just be like, don't make me fucking watch this video. I know trans people, I know non-binary people, and I know them as people, totally down with them, and I'm 100% wanna support them and make them feel as comfortable.

When you bring in this shit, this feels like the video they showed us at Bed Bath and Beyond when I used to unload trucks. And they were like, you guys are doing something good. You're like, we're counting loophies. Yeah, it's a fake. It's a fake. It's that corporate fake field. It's fine, right? You guys are team, we're counting loofas. Yeah. It's that corporate fake. It's phone. Right. You guys are team. We're team players. And also like having to sit there and

not be able to giggle as this was playing, that would kill my soul more than anything. That's the bonding exercise at the job. Yeah. When you have to watch this and be like, I know. Yeah. Oh, the fucking death guy. Yeah, he goes, oh, come on, clearly a guy. This is for another deaf guy, is that? Oh, but you don't do captions? You're doing it for the blind guy for the deaf. Dude, this is wild. Because what they use is they're basically being like,

we're gonna set up traps for ourselves. Yeah. Because there's no way you can get the thing about the left that's different than the right is the right has a hard point where like the second you're not with America, they're like, get the fuck out of me. But the left they're like, I can out-liberal you.

I can out-put-up. Yeah, I can out. It's always like, I can out- I should be more progressive than you and you're the- Well, also you know that like, that this is produced just so somebody in charge gets to go, you know what I did? I made everybody watch a video that sucks.

That shows how good of a person I am. I love everybody and then you are they go online and they're like going to porn stars, Instagrams, and what you do, what you do? Fucking, by the way guys, did you guys all watch the gender video that I produce that I made it is so corny So corny so bad it's so shitty if you're gonna make something like this. Yeah, that's gonna step in it fucking step I mean let's call it out Paul Rossi, but, Paul Rossi for your shit video. Yeah, you fucking, damn shit. I hope.

Yeah, can I say something? I would rather watch these two do the whole video. Yeah. And be like, you're looking at me and you're thinking, what the fuck is going on? Yeah. And then I'm like, yeah. Do you wanna see it?

And you go, I do wanna see it. My name is C, is that annoying as fuck? Yeah. But that's what I've chosen to be annoying. Am I annoying? Am I annoying? Am, am I annoying? Am I gonna roll my eyes when you say excuse me, Miss? Probably.

Yeah, we're not knowing enough annoying people. Well, I'm one. Here's a video chock full of them. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Yeah, I got that thing. Man in a blue blanket. I think it's also the complete catering to it. Like the tone is like everyone's great with this.

I agree, there's no real, at least they did the video, the part where it's just, she's like, most of the world's like me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the numbers. Yeah, when you meet a large group of people, they'll mostly be like me, but there might be a couple of people.

But he got some outliers floating around. They should have a couple of those in the video where they go like that. Right. Unlike C, like C. Zzers in. Which is not your barbecue, you're gonna have to get briefed by your partner.

There we go, there you go. What do I say, how do I say it? Call them C. Yeah. No, is that you like the fucking letter C? I should have that scene. What do I say? How do I say it? Call them C. No, is that like the fucking letter C? I should have that scene. Is that happening in judoic titties where straight people are calling their significant other partner, even though they're hetero?

When it happens, heart makes me so mad because partner was our generation's version of roommate. Like back in the 70s with everybody like, oh, my dad and his roommate, and you're like, oh, your dad's gay. Yeah, yeah. And then when we were growing up, it was like, this is so-and-so in their partner, and you would immediately be like, oh, they're gay. Yeah, cool.

Whatever. It just helps you kind of. And now they go partner and a woman shows up. Yeah. Yeah, I get so excited. It's my fan through a wall. Well, I was like talking to a woman who I've known, but I don't know her intimately, I don't know real close.

But then she was like, she's like, oh yeah, my partner. And I was like, oh, never knew she was gay. Yeah. And then, and then, and you go like, even in the conversation, you go, hi. Yeah, and then like halfway through that we kept talking. And she was like, yeah, you know, my partner,

his daughter, I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, your partner is a man? She's like, yeah, I was like, but what does he identify as? I thought you, then they whoa, your partner's a man. She's like, yeah, I was like Super what is he identify ass? I thought you then they go man in the yellow shirt Because I got to do for the blind people Oh, yeah, I don't ask you something if you're a cis man, do you need a plaid shirt? Bulging muscle. Yes, you do no room for tears to love sports

Man is there a ball No man is gonna football Man this is for some and not others Why is this meant for like kindergarteners or a dog? No one waits for the best message Yeah, it's so to it's That's for you to do. Oh God shut the fuck up man Where was this when I was in eighth grade and all my friends were calling me? Because I wouldn't steal from the funny stuff.

Right. Where was this video where they go? Some boys don't want to do crimes. And those boys just have morals. It's not there, you know. They're still boys. They can still like football and not steal. This is so to me.

It's what's the word I'm looking for diminishing or like putting it to make you pandering. Yeah. It's like don't talk to me like I'm what's the word I'm looking for diminishing or like putting it in the case of pandering, yeah. You feel it's, it's like, don't talk to me like I'm a dipshit. Yeah, talk, like be on the planet earth for the last 20 years. But they should show this to like eighth graders or like, it would be, whatever, sex ed, yeah. And you're like, oh, seventh grade pop it on and be like,

hey, listen, it's from the state. You get some state programming. How do you guys, your assholes? I want you to watch this video, okay? Listen, some of you guys have been calling Kevin, saying he doesn't have the right parts. We're gonna let you know he might, but it can also still be a boy.

Anyways, we're gonna go on a smoke. I got cancer. Yeah, it's just really, it feels very kind of sending, to be an adult. Kind of sending, that's the one, yeah. Yeah. Where they go, do you know that boys can like boys? Yeah, every man likes football.

I know, yeah, I know. Yeah, and those are women. Yeah, you start doing that. Exactly. You start doing the whole thing. Are we going to start coming back around with the like, if you don't work in a factory that have calluses on your hand, you might be a lady.

I hope so. Yeah, because it comes all the way around. Well here, let's lighten it up a little bit. You might be a lady. I hope so. Here's comes all the way around. Well here, let's lighten it up a little bit. Mm-hmm. Oh no. Yeah, but getting that way, getting that way, bye. Oh!

Ooh! Ooh! I can't wait for football season to be back. I can't wait for football season to be back. I can't wait for football season to be back. Let's see, is she okay? We have nothing available. Dude, that is just one line now.

I wanna see that one more time. That's really something. The horse is like, yeah, right. Ooh. Yeah, what is this? You can't wave to a horse. Yeah, the horse is like, that's not gonna understand human. The horse gave a little.

Doin' the Oklahoma drill, yeah. Okay. All right, meet me in the egg app. I'll meet you right here. I'm gonna get, I'm getting that first down. I'm fucking, he's not not the same, by the way. No way. No way.

No way. No way. She's not a champ. She's not a champ. No, she absolutely can't get it. That's like it. Hit by a truck. Yeah.

Yeah. But you know what? I fucking hate horses and I hate horse people too. They can go suck it. I don't like it at all. Wait, like, did you have a problem? Like, fucking hate horses. I've always hated the best friend.

Your best friend. My best friend my best friend likes horses. I don't like them. I've ridden them when I was young. I've had bad experiences. I got thrown off a horse when I was very little. They're too big. Was this was this you as a child? Too smelly. No. I do. I got thrown off the back of the horse and I almost got step time. And ever since then I curse I curse them like the gypsies they are the fucking gypsies of the animal kingdom Scary fucking horses. I saw a tweet one time to hate them fuck my mind up It said can you imagine if horses were carnivores? Really good oh my god, I saw that tweet for you like I fucking got the dog. Yeah, it's like.

And you're like it's okay. Just taking a bite after it knocks you out. They're monster. They would have lost it. Yeah, if they had sharp teeth and have those flat Hollywood teeth. Yes, they're the big Steve Harvey's in the back. They're like, hey, your buddies, my pilot got picked up. Every horse.

Guys, good news. You got a full season. Yeah, he's got flies on him and there are a lot of stuff. It's very sticky. And they always get praised for their cocks, but honestly, go look at a whale dick. Yeah, where's that lady jacking off that horse? I hate that video.

I love that video. Please don't show that. I thought this day was to see that video. Dan, do you want to see you full of jerk? Jay on the bonfire showed me the video the guy dying oh yeah, mr. Hands mr. Hands What I talk about on stage is one of my favorite that noise I thought I could take all you can eat I can't Dude animal do you think I could take it in my back? Yeah, you could take it in your bed your badge I could take all you can eat. I can't yeah, fucking dude animal

Do you think I could take it in my yeah, you could take it in your badge you could take it but also it would it would still perv Right, I mean it was it it would rip your badge cuz how big is a horse? Like it's like a baby's head going in the thrust like an older lady once told me to slow down You can't tell a horse that yeah, yeah Down buddy Once told me to slow down you can't tell a horse that yeah, yeah Buddy Yeah, he's not gonna he's not gonna ease in now he's just gonna like get on you That's what happened to mr. Hey, yeah, it's too fast got up in the stirrup. Yeah, he was like oh, oh, yeah Yeah, you got a little taste. Yeah, yeah, I was like oh

But think about those behind could have gotten into slower That's what he was like. So bitch. Yeah. He was right. He was right. He was right. He was right.

He was right. He was right. He was right. He was right. He was right. He was right. He was right. He was right.

He was right. He was right. He was right. He was right. He was right. He was right. He was right. He was right. He was right. He was right. classic ebombs world thing of the guy playing with the katana swords and he goes now see here right here oh oh the tip just got me O del yeah yeah just got me in that the CO del coming to go

pros we may need emergency surgery and the studio you get a horse just because that's what it is it's all power but go check this out the power of love Because that's what it is. It's all power. Go check this out. The power of love Her fake look at him. He's like oh bitch. I Hate it. He's like You don't want to see a horse come I don't like it at all. I love my biggest Instagram thing that I like right now is black dudes are doing voiceovers for animal videos,

nonstop hilarious. Yeah, dude, it's really funny. There's a couple of comics that are doing it, but you just find it really like, oh, hell no. Oh, this bitch jammy off. I was like, shit like that. I was looking to see this video scored because he's like

Dude that's what you want to get happy All right, I have to tell you the truth what is it? It's just getting it's belly rubbed I know because honestly this woman's partner Yeah, yeah, whatever you gave fucking mr. Sprinklesinkles Yeah, give me that one. I'll bend over. Yeah, what do you want me to do? I'll get my She's too happy to be Jane is Dean. Yeah, you're right. That's a sadistic bitch Yeah, I don't like that. She's like I always go to the barn and make the horses You guys want to see you guys want to see the horses stomp around? I didn't see if it was like your first date

and you she's like, I don't wanna come to the barn with me. You're like, yeah, sure. Yeah. I check this out, you're like, holy fuck. Oh, she's like, I'm gonna hop the stall. You're like, what are you gonna do? What are you doing?

Oh my God. And then you have to be like, that was super cool. That was cool. And you're like, shit, my hand, how strong is your grip? You just wanna feel how good a grip is? You're like, damn, you can fuck it. I bet you could wing a football.

Would that be a deal breaker for you? If, hold on, it's us on the first date. But you've known me a little bit. It's 2005, and I'm like, babe, I love horse, I love horse is Tom, I want you to see what I can do with this one. Well, here's what I would do, is I would be like, I want to see how crazy this bit,

like this bitch is nuts. Yeah, that's what I would think she's crazy. And I'm a hundred percent staying on this date for wherever this bitch is nuts. Yeah, that's what I would think she's crazy. And I'm a hundred percent staying on this date for wherever this ride is going. To the store. Yeah, I'm not thinking about like long term. I'm just like this bitch is wild. She just jacked a fucking horse off.

And we just got here. And it's date one. Yeah, we know each other a little bit, but you're like, I want to see what I can do. I mean, I would be like, I'm going to use the register. She's taking the horse off. Immediately change your name in his phone to sugar cubes. Yeah.

Yeah. She literally used the whole glue gun and is in there right here. Hey, elders, you gonna fucking get him going? And that would be so bad for me because you tell everybody my reputation would be destroyed in the comedy. Everyone would be like,

they would be like, you see, jerks, I'm worse. They would be like, nah, nah, come on. And I'd be like, she does. She took me to the barn. I'm, come on. And I'd be like, she does. She took me to the barn. Yeah.

I'm telling you right now. I thought she was gonna go brush it. I thought she was gonna brush the horse. We went to Calabases. She found a farm. Calabase. That's where all those assholes are at that part. I had the apples.

I was like, but it wasn't me to do it. She said, just wait right over there. I thought we were gonna ride it. I was like, where's the saddle? She just got to check. And I was happy about it. That load was massive. Massive. Like, members, super-sacrifice just got a jackfruit. She just got a jackfruit. I was happy about it. That load was massive. Massive.

Like members, super-sacrifices, she ordered not even the 100. Everything, 200s. Came everywhere. It made disnose at the end. It was pushing out air. And then she just wiped her hand on the towel and she goes, let's go get some lunch.

And I was like, what? Yeah, because those women that are in like the dog fucking videos and all that stuff, they have. Eventually, they have to tell somebody. they have to tell somebody that somebody. Yeah You can't keep that a secret. You can't fuck dogs and then just oh, I don't like that. I had a stage no dogs are sweet innocent loving Creeper fucking dogs in the stage. I would never fuck. Oh, I have a sweet dog And if anyone ever touched her appropriately. Yeah, if they if they expressed your anal gland too hard I would I would John Wick that entire place anyone ever touched her appropriately. Yeah. If they expressed your anal gland too hard,

I would, I would John Wick that entire place. Yeah, I can, I'd fucking touch my sweet maro. Fucking touch my dog. My sweet little baby. Here we go. Don't a little karate here. Oh. Oh.

Holy darts. That was awesome. That was awesome. That was awesome. That guy completely deserved it. Yeah, that's so stupid. No. Right away, he's like, you okay?

Yeah, you're gonna do plate up here, bro. Also, to have the whole foot coming in. Yeah, this fucking so not thought out. Thank you for doing that, bro. Or haul it to the side, man. Yeah, yeah, there's, but also, if you're the kid that kicked, you kind of leave their doorway. So don't fuck with me.

Yeah, yeah. Just let you know. You know what can happen. You know what can happen. I'm a swing that thing and I'm gonna fucking blast. It's on video if they do it. He caught trap and all magic and caught the whole thing. Yeah.

You got it, bro. Oh. That reminds me of something I would have done. Yeah. You got it wrong. Oh! That reminds me of something I would have done. That's something I would do. That one I pulled off TikTok. That was making the rounds. That's a good one. That one is on the fence for me in terms of like,

okay, he's not killed, he's not hurt. It's something you could see yourself doing. It's the embarrassment of hitting and then sliding, before he hit the water, the whole way down, he's like, fuck, dude. I'm gonna go eat it. Also, I was bracing for the head hitting the face. Yeah.

And also for this not being deep enough. Yeah. Both the things had me go like, because most of the time when that happens, the end of the video is like them bent. Yeah. Or you go, and they go, think, and you're like, oh, right in the head, yeah.

Now this is fun, because you go like, he climbed out of that and then went up there and was like I hate this I hate rock climbing horses. I hate rock climbing the worst is free climbers, dude Fuck and fuck cave divers. I feel like you're Sotely taking a shot at my home state of Colorado I don't like people that come up through a high altitude Fuck high altitude. I hate high altitude You're like I'm just gonna say this the dead You gonna rock climbing fuck it. I mean dude. Here's a thing I am such a lazy stoner that being from Colorado was a hundred percent wasted on me

Yeah, it was I should have been from like a low valley of Ohio Yeah, yeah, I mean like I could have been a hill person sure I never did any And I resented it with my mom's boyfriends would take me to get any interest in rock. I mean I've done it Like with you know, I respect it. I respect the two I respect the hell out of it stupid On a level it is dumb, but I respect the hell out of those people especially the free climbing is suicide You want to die just kill yourself? It's like the deep the the the free breath what is it called the free diving? I held my breath for four and a half minutes and why why you want to die? God's like there's too many people here Yeah, I got it now. I hear my question breath for four and a half minutes. Why? You want to die? God's like, there's too many people here. Yeah.

Now, here's my question. You got the free climbers, right? And you got the horse jackers. Yeah. Who is better suited to please the opposite sex? Is it the horse jackers jerk enough guys? Free climbers finger bangers. Wow.

Wow. I mean, they got some real skills. They got some strong fingers. You know, I like how we're thinking. Back grip is like, yeah, they got some real skills. It got some strong fingers. I like how we're thinking. They get in there like, I'm in fingers. You're like, whoa, I think maybe it's just a perfect match. I don't know, you get the one above your head.

Call the, you know, what would be the app? Yeah, it's something like free finger fuck, I don't know. Yeah, giddy up. Giddy up, giddy up. Giddy up. Giddy up is great for horse girls. But those free climbers are in such good shape because they're just pulling their body up.

And so I'm gonna take the whole package with the finger blasting as well. Because the horse jacket doesn't have to be in good shape. Maybe the arm only. They'll do, they'll put their fingers. Oh my God, I need it. Like little hole, like above a door frame Yeah, and then just pull their whole body up by two. Nope. Nope. I have to make a noise to get out of a chair. Yeah, yeah crazy

And these guys like it's crazy, but then they suck On on land a tank out with yeah, you're like you want to get a pizza? and they're like, I can't, I have to scale a 14 footer. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, fuck you. Yeah. No, this is a miserable hobby, but again, okay, I think I don't, I hate the free climbers more than I hate these people with the ropes and stuff.

This is misery. Oh, not only that, no one, the Lord's is fun. When they scale these walls, then they have to set up camp somewhere up at the peak, right? And then they sleep in a bag that hovers over the mountain. You're like, and they're eating what a power bar a day. How are you taking a shit up there when you're in the...

I don't think you do. I think you come back down. Your body goes, oh, we're alive. Yeah, oh, shit. Why did we do that? Yeah. I did do the rock climbing wall at this place just a couple months ago.

The shit is taxing us. I mean, it's unbelievable. Dude, you just reminded me of the story. I used to go this gym in a story of Queens called The Rock and I had a rock climbing wall. They were very like, if you do this, you have to go talk to a staff member, you have to like, there was like a whole process.

One day on like a Wednesday, I'm just like working out and you just hear, woo, just down onto the pads. This dude was just climbing and didn't tell him. And it was like, fuck it. Like in the middle of his workout, I'll try this and got up and fell back, dude. They had to get the fucking ambulance.

No. It was a scene. He was all right. But dude, watching how mad the people were at the gym. They did it on the aisle, they were helping him. Like don't move sir, and he's like, I'm sorry, I was just, I thought I could do it,

cause he got up pretty high. Did he have ropes at all on him? Nothing, just free. He did it free, and he just tried to find it, but it would be, it was just ble the last, I had the thing, I was strapped in. And once you're like 20, 25 feet up, even with your strapped in, you're like, fuck.

It's scary. You go like, oh, and you put your foot out to the thing and it misses like, oh shit. And you're kind of like, you start to really tense up I think, because you're amateur too, you're like, shit. And then you, there's a bell, so you go up and I hit the bell, and then I go, what do I do now? And the guy goes, just let yourself fall.

I was like, you sure he's like, it's what we do all day. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, and then you say, you push off, and you're kind of, you know, you lately screaming out. Yeah, you do the little thing really. But even with that thing on, you have this fear of like, oh fuck, like this, I'm gonna fall and get hurt. This queen's idiot

Yeah, I do this. Hey, what do you guys guy? We've got about 45 feet. I used to scale all the way into shea stadium It was the sound of the body hitting those blue man That I just remember being like everyone in the gym was like what the fuck? Horses Just remember being like everyone in the gym was like what the fuck was that he's like I'm just a I got his friends. Hey Tom. Yeah, would you rather free climb or cave dive free climb free climb dude 100 times here's a story One of the only times I've ever watched someone tell a story and I've got I've gotten like crazy anxiety Was Donald Serone was on Rogan?

Mm-hmm. He was talking about how he would do cave diving and he got I know exactly I know exactly Dude, I watched it. Waiting for a flight with sweat running down my head I was like just from the story. Yeah, and he was like I didn't think I could find my way out And I was like and they're like now boarding and like shut up bitch Yeah, he could be okay Donald. And like he's just telling the story. It was so badass. He's an old school like, he's from Colorado.

That's a guy who's from Colorado. I'm a little bitch that's from the suburbs. That's like, I like, say a better than S.A. Yeah. And this guy's like, yeah, I'm down there, fucking climate dude, It was wild. Now, every time I would rock climb over cave diving at 100 out of a... I might choose that to be free climbing, not I'm saying free.

Cave, cave, because here's the thing, I'll free climb and be like, I'm probably gonna die, but I would cave dive and just go, I, this is a willful attempt to die. This is a suicide thing. And I would be, the paranoia of the cave dive is much higher than the paranoia of, I'm climbing high and I'm gonna fall. Well, because climbing high, I think,

and I'm with you on this, because cave diving, you're like, the whole time you're doing it, you're going, I'm gonna die. While climbing, you go like, you get up pretty high and you're like, I could make it. I could make it. I could make it Yeah, there's also an air if I found airs the biggest place to rest on the On the free climb. I think I would just park there and cry. Yeah

Yeah, he goes Tom just grab me Come get me, get me. Yeah, do you need me? I felt like that. I was tearing up thinking about cave diving. It's so awful. It's horrible. It's gotta be the worst hobby that I can think of. If you have any amount of claustrophobia.

Any. It's so exacerbated by what they do on that. I mean, it's just terrible. It made me think you'd be so uncomfortable. You're thinking about someone getting you on the climbing. Yeah, one of the only times I ever got on snowboarding, like I said, growing up in Colorado was really phenomenal.

I knew I had a ski, but all my friends were in a snowboarding in high school, and they were like, dude, snowboard. You could ski. You'll learn how to do this. And I was like, all right, I'll go with you guys. I just wanted to smoke weed and get fun up on the ride up. So I was like, all right. And we go with you guys. I just wanted to smoke weed and get fucked up on the ride up. So I was like, all right, and we get up there

and I'm wearing jeans and like a regular jacket and I'm like, yeah, so just explain it to me and they're like, is how you do it? I got lost and I somehow ended up on the black diamond moguls on a snowboard. You want to talk about someone come get me? I was just in between these moguls and everything I'm trying to get up.

I'd be like, ah, fuck, do I take it off? And my buddy somehow found me and was like, do not take your snowboard off. Like, don't, just try to ride down. Come to the side. You wanted me to go down to the side. But you guys remember being in between two moguls being like, someone could get me.

Yeah, I don't want to do this anymore. So scary. It's so scary. It's being stuck doing something you bet at. That's all so. Here, one more. Oh! Fuck, dude.

He just lost all his teeth. You know what? That's the one I almost... Is that the end of the clip? Or is it keep going? No, it's it. Because I would put money on the fact that that guy got up Casually and didn't realize how bad it was and it's one of those things where it just starts going like and blood starts rushing shooting out Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Did he get it though? Did he grind? Did he do it again? Did you do the trick? He got up there. Uh, looks like the board. Oh.

He did it. Listen, let's give him credit, dude. He did it. I was gnarly. I don't like that. I don't know, man. That's the thing. It's like his... Yeah, it would face. It's like this right here. Yeah.

God. Sometimes though, what's amazing about humans, yeah, you got up. Ooh! Sometimes humans will get up and be fine. Yeah. God. Sometimes though, what's amazing about humans, yeah you got to, ooh. Sometimes humans will get up and be fine. Yeah, I know. He could be. He'll just get up and be like, it's like how drunk drivers survive crashes all the time

because they're like, ah, and skateboarders are sometimes the most chill people. This dude either popped up and was like, this is wild, okay? You guys already get it now? A couple hours later he was dead. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, one of the two. the bleeding in his brain was weird.

We have to put him in an induced coma. Well, thank God he's young. I mean, they're very pliable. They're young. People are. Do you remember spills from when you were young that you were like, how the fuck? How the fuck?

I remember head trauma. I remember being drunk at my buddy's house in high school. And he had a trampoline. And I fucking got, I was jumping and I went the wrong way and went off the trampoline. Oh shit. Like on the ground at my friend Justin's house and just got back up and was like, what's up?

I'm fine. He was like a little wobbly. You remember Red Rover? Yeah. I remember doing that in the outside and the pavement for recess. Yeah. And when I got to it,

it just got clothesline and backed off the head and where you're like, and then thinking like, oh, this is a concussion or whatever. Yeah. And then they're like, yeah, just rest here. Yeah.

But that was football, too, you played football. Yeah, yeah. You get popped and you'd be like, don't be a pussy. Yeah, I remember. I remember when I was a sophomore, we would have to like, in played football. Yeah, yeah. You get popped and you'd be like, don't be a pussy. Yeah, stars. When I was a sophomore, we would have to like, in linebacker practice, we'd have to be the running backs

for like the seniors, we're just men. Yeah. I remember this guy Doug Heinman hit me so hard that I blacked out. Yeah. It just blacked out, was standing up and they're like, you're all right, so I was like, I'm fine.

And I was walking the wrong way. And they're like, this way. I doubt you'd ever make a question. We had a, right before I got to the school that I ended in the wrong way. And they're like, this way, and you're like, I doubt it. You're not okay. We had a, right before I got to the school that I ended up transferring to, they said they had like a sadistic athletic director. Yeah. And he used to like to take freshmen and seniors.

Oh, and just be like. That's a men versus boys. Yeah, he's like, just hit him. Just to watch, like, just to watch those kids get lit up. Oh my God. Fucking crazy guy. Yeah. And then now those kids are snapping and murdering their families.

Yeah. And you go, what do they have to do? Yeah. Because this fucking sicko. Yeah. Jesus. Yeah. Go panthers.

And they're like, a kid fucking, yeah, man. That was the head trauma you get when you're little. But you're also so fearless when you're little. You don't know anything. And you're smaller, you're closer to the ground. Like, I just remember getting on a skateboard at like eight, nine years old and just going downhill, getting psychotic or getting on like, do that.

My dad would just have shit in his garage. I'd hammer together like a piece of wood and then two sticks and then put wheels on it and just fly down the fucking hill in the streets. Remember sledding? Yeah. Oh yeah. Fucking crazy.

You go sledding. And that's a cool Colorado thing. Yeah. That was the thing where you're like, let's get going. Where you would find ways. You'd find someone that the house was on a hill somewhere. They had like a, or a hilly backyard. We had a hill.

I was a bus boy at Red Robin. Oh, great establishment. Great place. Red Robin. Great place. Red Robin. It's still there. Shout out Park Meadows Mall. There's a there's a hill in the back

And we're all like 15 and 16 bus boys and we were taking the huge Trash And then going under and dude I bifton to the fence one time and then like the manager came out and I'd act like I wasn't wobbled Yeah, but you guys do it here. I was like I'm coming Scott I remember like going I'm coming Scott. I remember like going in by the tech and back there and being like, dude, I fucking ring into the wall.

I was just fucked up, but yeah, you could pick up real speed. Oh, yeah. You could get going. Sledding now, I wonder if it's changed if kids. Dude, you know what I used to fucking do? I just remember this. As a teenager, I would put on my roller skates, roller skates, and then around the neighborhood

I would let my dog pull me. That's awesome. On roller skates, bro, like... I would still do that. I'm 12, 13, 14, 15, and just going so fast. Yeah. And on, like, you can bump up on anything. I rock could have taken me out.

I was going so fast with that dog. And your dog's having the time of his life. I know. It was so much fun. I would never do that. Your dog's like like oh my god. This is in my genetic program Sketching where people would grab on the cars with roller I never did I was too busy, but I had friends that did it now my friends that were like actually good But also they would just grab onto like a bumper at like a stoplight and see how long they could hold on for oh my god

suburban kids are They're dangerous in a different way. Yeah, it's boredom that leads them to be like fuck it. Let's do it Yeah, I got nothing at all. For sure. That's terrifying to even imagine. I would have held on and like as the car was going, I'm like, oh, that's scary. Yeah, I got scared. Yeah, a couple of my friends, it was never really

a thing crazy, but they would like hold on for a little bit. And then as the car like, dude, if the car stopped, there's videos you can find online if people are trying to sketch and like, Coach, you remember just picking up such speed on a bike. Yeah. Where you're going, I going to go as hard as I can and then you're going down, and then all of a sudden you're like, I'm doing 45 miles an hour.

I know, so fast. Holy fuck. I remember just like, I remember trying to impress one of my friends who's down at the bottom of the hill riding my bike, going no hands, and all of a sudden, I just saw the handlebars go like that. Oh fuck!

What the fuck? Oh dude, biffin' on a bike with your knees and your I just saw the handlebars go Oh, dude biffin on a bike with your knees and your I do the hottest girl in our neighborhood one time I was riding my bike We're all riding our bikes and my friend threw as a joke through a hockey stick Like I could javvlin and it just went perfectly into my spokes in the front Flip me over and it's one of those my spokes in the front wheel. Oh, fuck. It flipped me over. And it's one of those things where you get rocked, put the hottest, keep a screw on our neighborhoods, like sitting there with your friends on our stoop.

And I just got up, I was like, I'm fine. I'm fine. Just like walking back through his house, like, I'm fine, nothing to fucking happen. And I was out of my tits. I got ya. Oh my god. Shout out Scott Thompson.

That was an accurate throw. Very good throw, man. Oh my god. You're always, you That was an accurate throw. Very good throw, man. Oh my god. It's an always, you always act like a cool, fine chicken. I know, hang out. It was good. Yeah, I'll find you this. I mean, you make like a cry noise.

You're going, fine. Rips. They're the worst. I mean, I've only ever been in like two fights, fist fights, I'm saying. But to get punched in the stomach, and then you have to be like, I'm cool. That's the worst pain to get punched in the stomach, get the win knock down.

Especially if it's an unexpl- Like if you don't know, you're about to be. Yeah, dude. So there's clocks in your voice. When do you know? Well, I'm saying if you're fighting, you know, you're fighting your body goes into something different, right?

So you take a shot. But if somebody, like I remember in fifth grade, it was my first day and these kids just walked out to me at recessed and just were like, bam, I like just bright and I was like, so that was such an unexpected thing. Oh, this is what you're doing here! Oh my god. Yeah, getting that win knocked out, you used terrifying because you're like, whatever breed again.

Yeah, and then you're fine three minutes later and you don't realize that you're gonna be fine because you're like, this is how life is. Someone's like, you crying, you know? Yeah, I'm not crying. And you're like, now you're like, oh, sorry about that back there. That's your first like, that's the first feeling you get

when you black out drunk and you wake up. Just getting your wind knocked out and you go like, haus little crazy back there. Yeah, I'm fine. But do you remember even the games you would play? Did you guys ever play buns up? What's that?

I think they call it smear the the Queer Back of the Day. But like, you throw a tennis ball against the thing. Bones Up is such a weird name for you. Oh, it's a California game. And then whoever were like fucked up or you didn't lost the game, you had to go to the wall and you put your butt out. Yeah, and then you got to get to peg you with the ball.

That was so much fun. And then there was the one kid that had the arm that you're like, God. Yeah, you're gonna get fucked up, I can. I like you. We would just like, I'm gonna, where you just have a football and just run. Yeah.

You should have everyone. You'll try to tackle you and you just fucking. And then you'd see one of your friends get mean, where you're like, I'll never. Yeah. You're like, running next to him, you're like, you're never out like this. Are you on testosterone?

You're like, you're taking teachings? Yeah, you're fucking a man. Yeah, I don't fuck up. Yeah, it was the kid that was hitting puberty first. Totally, or Dodgeball, that motherfucker, that kid with the arm and Dodgeball would fuck you up with that red ball. I remember baseball when it went from coach pitch to kid pitch,

fine, but then when kids got good at throwing, I remember that first baseball season where you were like, oh kids are throwing curveball? Heat now? And heat? And I remember being like, that's why I started sucking. So like, what are you guys doing?

Slow it down. Guys, do like go to your underhand. I'm a little smash the shit out of it. Yeah, I got paged in the ribs that baseball season and I remember being like, I'm going to the baseball. Yeah, no thanks paged in the ribs that baseball season and I remember being like I'm good with baseball. Yeah, no thanks. Yeah, thanks. I Sucked at T ball. So I didn't even pursue baseball T ball doesn't even done that it just sits there and they're like can you get this? I was like do some baseball She was so boring like playing in a P.E. I'm like wait what I'm gonna stand on the diamond all my friends were so good at baseball

And I sucked yeah, I was just like dude you guys go. They're always on the ball the diamond. All my friends were so good. At baseball. And I sucked. Yeah. I was just like, dude, you guys go. They're always on the ball start team. Damn. Like my friends would be like, yeah, we're on the Cherry Creek All Start team. And I'd be like, yeah, my season ended all early this year.

I would have been. I would have been, it's just I'm afraid of the ball. Remember that boy, there's always a boy in the girl in the class that are just good at everything. Oh my god. Like the athlete, the athletic boy, the athletic girl. Johnny Jones from the time, can you remember? Johnny Jones from the time we grew up just everything.

Crushed it. Well Johnny's going to excel at this. I remember I played football all through middle school and high school. Someone was like, I got Johnny Jones to sign up for football and I was like, oh yeah, I don't know, he's going to pass them on baseball. I mean, immediately varsity. It's like started, you know, playing corner and receiver and you're like, oh, he's unbelievable at everything. Yeah, just good.

So lucky. Yeah. And then if you sucked at stuff, oh, you're that's bad. You always sucked at everything. Yeah. You don't want to be, you don't want to be that guy that's the best physically in the class or the worst. You want to be. There's always a gangly fuck that can't do anything right? You know what I mean that guy?

I was right, like let's say best worst. I was like right here. Same Z's, yeah. And fun. Yeah, so that takes you to right here. The personality goes far. When you're a football camp and you're crushing on prank phone calls in the dorms, you're saying that's tough.

Yeah. And then you got all the bad ass kids and you're making them laugh. You're like, all right, dude, that's what saved me in high school football. Yeah. Was I was like, oh, I was the funny kid that could run in the fast. Sure. Was not good at football, right? But that was it.

But it was like, I love having you around. I do, I do soda does prank phone calls. Yeah. Let's go hang out with him and you're like, thank you, Jerky boys. Yeah. That's the best. You're from inspiring me. That's the best.

Listen, you should go see dance soda on the road. You should go to danceodor.com for his tour dates. Check out the regs with Lewis J. Gomez, Robert Kelly, Angel list, and don't forget that a new Dan Soder podcast is coming. We think maybe November. Yeah, I think November 6th. Beyond the YouTube's downloaded wherever podcasts are available,

but you'll make more announcements about that soon. Yeah, absolutely. Dude, it was great to have you in here. Yeah, I'm so much fun to have you here. I really appreciate you guys having me on this video. Anytime, anytime, dude. So fun. We'll talk to you soon, and thanks for watching.

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