Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - It's Just Like The Gays! w/ Kurt Metzger | Your Mom's House Ep. 864

Episode Date: June 17, 2026

Christina P is back touring! Check her out in Chicago September 18th and 19th. Get your tickets at https://christinap.com/pages/tour-dates Gape your 4th eye with Kurt Metzger and Duncan Trussell's new podcast Mystery Boys and get to the bottom of what's really going on in the world: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL-i3EV1v5hLdsQknDbyTEDhROmB-qoGg7 SPONSORS: For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/YMH. Go to https://helixsleep.com/ymh for 20% off Sitewide | 25% off Luxe Mattresses | 30% off Elite Mattresses. This week, Tom is still out of the Mommy Dome, so Christina P takes the wheel with comedian Kurt Metzger riding shotgun! Mommy and the Mystery Boy share an update on Monica Mares and Caleb Patterson aka the "just like the gays" mother-son couple who fell in love in 2016. Spoiler alert: they ain't doing great! Plus, Brigitte Macron is definitely a man, the Rothschilds marry cousins to protect their Atlantean bloodline, Oprah is a piece of shit, Stedman is probably dead, and we get a full MJ deep dive covering Emmanuel Lewis as his Grammy date and what the new Netflix doc won't say. Kurt also talks his Jehovah's Witness upbringing and finding porn in the woods as a boy. Christine also shares some tiktoks featuring a bong-smoking Minnesota governor candidate who cries in the sun, a odd looking kid talks Fun Day, a food influencer eats out Budapest, some Filipino cave diver who disappear for way too long, and a salon that only does one haircut. Your Mom’s House Ep. 864 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:28 - Where's Tim? 00:07:17 - Opening Clip: Mr. Goodbar 00:08:54 - Incest Couple Update 00:21:18 - Truck Driving School 00:23:16 - Favorite Conspiracy 00:26:38 - Speaking Of Pdf Files 00:37:38 - The New Minnesota Governor 00:44:14 - Fun Day 00:45:51 - Horny Pool Guy 00:48:27 - Get Over It Jennifer 00:50:53 - Put Your Dick In A Fan 00:54:51 - Used Car Baddie 00:55:54 - I Want My Fiancé Back 00:57:46 - Budapest Food 01:00:19 - Ian McKellen 01:02:28 - Secret Cave 01:04:07 - Yummy Soda 01:07:12 - Really Cool Haircut 01:10:11 - Wrap Up 01:10:49 - Closing Song - "Boys Aren't Blue" by Erabella Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're, oh, hmm. It's so stupid. Yeah. You know what? Oh, no. Okay. How's that? Is that better now?

Do you feel prettier? You don't want it messing up your hair. No. I want to. I know. Here's what I want. Okay. Oh, my God.

Yes. Yes. There we go. You got to slay batty. Mm-hmm. Welcome. Welcome. to your mom's house.

Game as fast as they could. It's been too long, cowboy. From Disney and Pixar. So that's Lily Pat. Where are you? Some sort of old man toy? What? She thinks you're old because you're bald, wedding.

This Friday. Toys are for play. Tech is for everything. Toy Story is back. I want to talk to you, device. The long toys. Twitter Wall. Got responded.

I have plastic fingers. Featuring Taylor Swift's All New Song. I knew it I knew you. Available now. No way. Oh yeah. Disney and Pixar's Toy Story 5. Only in theaters Friday. Tickets available now.

Meow, meow, meow. Hi, welcome to your mom's house. I'm Christina P. With me today is Kurt Metzger. Oh, my God. Thank you. Star of the brand-new podcast Mystery Boys with Duncan Tressel.

And it's the number one podcast on Spotify right now. Wait, what do you mean? Of all the podcast? No, we're not that big. You're number one in the entire. Number one trending. In the universe. Oh, yeah.

That sounds more like it. In the universe. And your new episodes are out Thursday, 9 p.m. Eastern, 8 p.m. Central on YMH Studios channel right here. Only on your mom's horse. Where's the camel? Only. I love your energy. You've got like crazy girl energy.

I've got undercover, deep undercover energy. Yeah, it's really good. So look, Tom is, you know, I don't know where Tom is. Where's my glasses? Where the hell is Tom? I know. Here, hold on. He did give us a giv. He did give us.

What's wrong with me? What did he give us? He gived us. Yeah. A field report. Let's see. Where the fuck is? Tim Segura.

Okay, here we go. Let's see. Let's just play. I'll play this and then I'll do the official. Because I feel like the audience is like, what the fuck? Why are Tom and Tim and Christine doing separate? Are we live? This is where Tom is in case you guys are.

wondering. Here you go. Great. Great. So he's in the car. No big deal. He's doing his thing and stuff like that. It's nice for him to document it. It is. Check in. Oh, he's got nice blue eyes. It's the most beautiful blue eyes. And our youngest son has those eyes. So crazy. Yeah, I got a that's why I have to get in a full regalia or else it's like, what are my, the other Thompson goes? It looks like you had a be witch-witch Darren replacement. That's so true. I like this idea. Second Darren. You know, that's so cheap. We can't do that. I wanted to, William Dunnigan were doing that at home with Sly Stallone.

I wanted to play. So on the show, my name was Karp because Sly didn't, he never bothered to learn my name. And he thought I was a guy that helped him. Kyle made this up because he was so nice to meet the mall to build a bear there. I didn't know how to do with a bear. And I would, yeah. And I live in his garage, you know. I was like, well, you know, when a rich guy's got a friend that lives on his property. Yeah, yes.

Yeah, that's a thing. So he would call me Karp. And I would go, well, I don't remember that ever happening. Slai. Like, it was just ongoing,

dang. So apparently he thought was another guy named Kurp that helped him at the mall. So I wanted to have, yeah, so I wanted to get some girl to come on and then give him like, make his eyebrows even darker and he's the real Karp after all these years. It's me,

Sly. Kerk. So funny. Imagine being that rich and famous and out of touch that you totally forget. who a human is and you re-identify them? Have you done that? Like, do real people do that or just rich, famous people? Like, I give them a new name instead of their name.

Yeah, and then you're like, you have a whole backstory for them. And then I have their name change legally for them so it's easier for me. Well, duh. Because when I write it down, I'm not going to look, you want to get paid? You got changed your name, but what I wrote down here. Yeah. Oh, that's so great. Like, just to fuck with people. Yeah.

Yeah, well, that's what we were trying to make fun of what that was. I love, like, really rich famous entourages. Yeah. It's so funny watching, like, a thing of, every since that, again, and I'm not downing this guy for this. Like, people act like I'm not being accusatory, okay? I'm flattered. Everything's cool.

Everyone can do anything they want. When Tim Duncan tried to fuck me that one time. I'm sorry who? The legendary forward Tim Duncan. Who's that? I didn't know either until they fucking stretch that condor-like arm across my balls in the green room. He really did? Yeah, so, but I don't plan to.

Oh, he's handsome, though. Why don't you? Yeah, he's got like sweet pie. Listen, I don't blame. Is that why? I don't blame Tim Duncan at all. The man knows what he wants. He's not made a stone.

Okay, so nothing bad on Tim Duncan. Yeah. Jay and Lewis, when I was telling him, were like, I think they were like jealous of me. Yeah. Because they weren't. But anyway, the point is he had three friends with him. Yeah. Who were just sitting there like it wasn't happening.

Because he's officially not gay. Oh. So you three guys just sit there and pretend he's not gay every weekend when you hang out. Oh, that's so cool. What the fuck? I'm still creeped out by the three guys just blanking out like nothing. Yeah, but black people in general don't like gays. He had a very diverse crew.

I got to give it to him. Guys pretty great. I should have taken the offer. You should have taken the offer because you could be in the lap of luxury right now. Because my career is still important. Don't black people not like gayness in general? Like, isn't it frowned upon? They say that, but I don't think so.

Hold on. Let any speak for the entire black community, Kurt. I had no idea there was a black here. I apologize. Yeah. Yeah, just one. And no, yeah, I don't think that's official black culture, as far as I'm aware. How old are you?

Oh, okay, so what is that? A millennial or Azumi? Zumi. So by now, these kids don't have, um, when I was young, I'm 49 now. So when I was young, yeah, nobody black could be gay openly like that. Wait, you mean to tell me that black people could be gay now? Yeah, for years now. Any, are you sure about that?

Pretty positive. you. Oh shit. Okay. And I mean gay like, listen, all the kids are, I don't think they give them, they're like, you know how we buy a Mac now, uh, airbook or something? It doesn't, it nor has a disc drive. Yeah. That's Gator. The kids don't come and stall with Gator now. You don't need a CD player or Gator in life. So nothing means anything. There's no meaning. My friend from high school I bumped into down who happened to be here in Austin. He was like, somebody to the son told him he was pansexual. Yeah. Do you know what that means? It means. It means. It means. Well, yes, but I don't think the kids that say that know what it means.

It means you're a racist. Pan is a racist. I can't believe that's a thing that's acceptable to say. Wait, is that a pan that you're just super horny and you fuck everything? Oh, fuck any. Yes. That's a real nice way of saying a horrific racist. Pan, the God Pan?

The God Pan. Yes, I know. I'm familiar. I remember seventh grade. Okay, listen, we have to do the opening. We haven't even done the opening clip. No, listen. I don't want to interfere with this.

I apologize. Okay, this is very important stuff. Okay, here we go. Hey. You go. Oh, fuck your bitch. Here you go. I met a cougar at the bar this evening.

She goes, I may be sagging, but I am still gagging. And I'm going. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone mother to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. I didn't know.

I've never done this segment. Feel it. Oh, Rwanda B. Welcome to your mom's house. Miam, meow, meow. Miao. I feel my hair. So good.

What do you say? What do you say? Rwanda work the balls. I like clever. He's laughing at Cougar. Oh, this guy. Do you do the, do you feel? Like I know a lot of girls who have long hair, they love to mess with it.

Yeah. Do you feel yourself wanting to do this kind of thing? Oh, I do do it. Yeah, it feels good, right? Oh, I just, it's like, I slip right into it. Yeah, yeah. Listen, Kurt, I don't know how familiar are with your mom's house over the years, but listen, we got some late breaking news here. We've got a crucial update.

I mean, look, if you're a fan of your mom's house, you're going to be familiar with this. couple guys, here we go. Just remember these two. Here we go. I'm your mom and you're my son and I am falling in love with him. He said, are you really? I said, yes I am. He said, you know what? I was scared to let you know too. I am too. We're both consenting adults if it comes down to it, you know, it's just like the gays. They're you know, as long as they're over 18, everything's fine. Well, hold on. What are you thinking that, Kurt? You ever want to marry your mom?

Oh, he lost his virginity the Zimbabwe. Well, here, here. Let's see what, how it unfolded. I asked him, will you ever date your mom? And he said, well, you date your son? I said, honest truth, yes, I would. Because 19 years, you're the best thing that ever happened to me. And I really want to be with you the rest of my life.

Oh, my goodness. What? How about this? The first approach was actually me. What happened was we were, we were hanging out and, you know, just talking, you know, just laughing. And I looked at her and she looked at me. Oh, God. I kissed her.

It was a real kiss. It was a real kiss. Only It was ruckus. Only the daily mail is covering this one. Sometimes I call him he no hito

as that means son. He wants to know why he calls me mom, you know what I mean? There are cases about whether I have the right to love somebody. I sure as hell I'll have the right to love Monica.

Wait, what's on the side of his face? A birthmark or a teardrop? Just like the gays. Just like the gays. Your mother is doing stand-up in Chicago, Illinois, September 18th and 19th. Get your tickets at

Christinapeat.com. the mystery boys. I'm Kermis, Trez, White Clausevist, Dunstan Trudeau. We're here to gape your fourth eye. Three-eye Atlas. JFK's doctor. Hamas. Hitler's doctor. M.K. Ultra. Drina-Krum. Alcercrow. You ain't heard the mystery boys get to bottom. I didn't see one dick in those catacombs and I looked everywhere. Well, this is the show, guys. I hope that your mom's house is happy. There's a lot of noise out there when it comes to hair loss from the 10-1 shampoos, expensive clinic visits, and random advice online. It can be difficult to find what actually works for you. Hymns makes it simple to take control of hair regrowth and regain your confidence with personalized care. Doctor-trusted ingredients like finasteride and monoxidil

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I know you're judging them right now a lot of you, but you know what? President of France is married to his own dad who changed sexes. I think so. You think Brigitte Macron is a dude? 100%. 100% too. Thank you. And I know you're into these conspiracy theories.

So, did you see her sit down? Of course, babe. It was like David Spade. Of course. And I've seen the size of her hooves. her feet are huge and I read the book becoming Brigitte. I've read, I've done it. You've seen the hoof full hoof?

Yeah. She's gnarly. But back to this. So here's here's the story, you guys. Back in 2016, Monica Mares, who was then 36 and her biological son, Caleb Patterson. She got stuck in a window and he didn't, instead of helping her. So he was, she was 36, he was 19, were charged with incest in New Mexico. The two had been reunited after mayors gave him up at birth, and they began a romantic relationship.

Both pleaded no contest and received three years probation with a no contact order ending the relationship. It's more of an old Mexico thing, if you know what I mean. Can you believe that? The court broke them up? I didn't realize that. Do they even have the power to do that? They did. No contact order ending the relationship.

I didn't know the courts could do that. but how sad because they seem they seem so into it. If only I could find a love this pure, you know? You know, I, you know what's okay? Well, the thing itself is a little bit creepy. What? What's creepy? Who better to love you than your mom?

Because they're Mexicans. Okay. Now, this thing that's a lot creepy. What does that have to do? It's fine. I'm just, I'm just being a silly goose. You're just a silly goose. Why are you taught?

We'd love to talk. Like, first of all, surely you know there's law. and you and your mom, if you're really serious about this and want to make it work. Yeah. You know, McCrone and his dad wife, now let me just tell you how successful people do this. They don't tell people. That's right. You shut the fuck up.

They hide it. And they kill people that find the truth and sue them. So this is why, you know, did he get that tattoo or a birthmark? Like, are they such prison folk that he was born with a birthmark that looks like a teardop tattoo? I think they might be prisonful because she looks like a little rough too. Look, if your mom has face tattoos, can't you fuck her? Of course.

Who better to fuck? Okay, so here's the deal. We made fun of these two a million years ago. Here's the update. We didn't know that. She's pregnant? No. Here's the update.

Monica's life since then. Her situation has deteriorated significantly over the past decade. What? What? She was just family love. That's crazy. She briefly married another man in 2016, cheating on her son, but it didn't last.

In 2020, she was arrested for accidentally starting a fire while reportedly under the influence of methamphetamine, as one does, though charges were dropped after she was deemed unfit for trial. Dude, she's... I'd say she's unfit to be a mother as well. She is now reportedly homeless, severely underweight, under 100 pounds. Oh, dear. Well, she lost weight, that's good.

I was going to say because she seemed heavy in 2016. A little juggie, you know. Recent mug shots showing a stark physical decline. Do we have her mugshot? Oh, here it is. Oh, my God. Are you ready to see her now, you guys? So back that.

Oofa. Bro. Holy shit. And why did she? Because she didn't get to marry her son. All because the courts kept them apart. So she transitioned into a fucking, what does that hair do? It's like, did you just shave lines?

in your head? There's a real kiss. Oh, shit. I think she looks good, thinner, but that's me. I'm terribly hateful. Honestly, this wig that I have would look great on her. I know. Caleb's life, the son.

He moved to Colorado, worked as a handyman, and was in a relationship. A handjob man, you mean? He gives hand jobs. He's his homeless as well. And was in a relationship as recently as 2024. However, he's had repeated run-ins with the law. What? DUIs, probation violations, and driving offenses.

Most recently, he was arrested in 2026 on trespassing and criminal mischief charges and is being held on a $5 million bond. Wait, how is that even possible? How mischievous of him? That's really crazy. Where was he trespassing? Well, I wonder what mischief he was getting into. Mayor's mother says Caleb made the first move, as we.

saw in that clip, that she warned her daughter against the relationship. Oh, the family perspective. Sorry, Mary's mother said Caleb made the first move that she warned her daughter against the relationship and considers the whole situation of tragedy, noting that Marys never knew her son growing up before he reappeared as an adult. I mean, but think about it, Kurt. Like, let's say you gave up your daughter for adoption and she comes back 19. That's peak hotiness. You didn't know her. You didn't know her. I don't know. Well, look, I don't. Well, look, Maybe it's just, maybe my family is not sexually attractive to me. You know, what are you going to do?

What are you going to do? I just remember my cousin getting married and it's a great wedding is in Hawaii. It's so funny. And so my cousin, and I remember being like, I've never, because I've always heard of people having this and never in my life have I ever had a feeling like that about a sister or cousin, you know, like a relative. Do you want to know a secret? What?

I Frenched my second cousin. My French. That's not even illegal. Hungarian cousin in Hungary, summer, summer of 1990. I'm sure I think of a Hungary be kidding me but I don't have a fun for but I did that second cousins you can get married to they don't give a shit you think so the law is against first cousin I thought

well let's look into that so apropos our earlier discussion of Brigitte Macron and his her son did you know but that that's not uncommon the Rothschild family all these families would marry their relatives to keep the wealth right but also they're bloodies is so important. Now, I don't believe this. Why is their blood important? Oh, my God. They trace their lineage back to goofy shit that sounds stupid that I don't believe, but they believe in. What?

Atlantis and, uh, you know. Oh, shut up. That's not true. You think so? Well, it's not true that they're from Atlanta's or that they say it. I know these people say this shit. I don't, I got my doubts. Yeah. But, uh, yeah, they, you know, I always want to ask, I was just to Danny Jones on a Monday. and he'll have like scientists and shit on and I just met Eric Weinstein with Duncan we're gonna have a great mystery boys mystery feel anyway these people I want to ask like

okay I get you're all like secular rational materialist blah blah blah all the people that fund you existing think they came from Atlantis yeah all the people that are way more important than you and your fucking science that you act like your academic shit is so important you'll flip on a dime when the funding tells you to go

yeah in fact that's what you all complain about and I agree. That's why. So all the science is whatever some rich guy fucking tells you it is nerd and you know it. So do you not think? No, they don't think about that because if you, I don't know if you, what's your education is. Mine's not great.

I went to the coveted some college demographic. I went to art school, art institute of Philadelphia. Oh, that's good. I never paid the loan back. And then it turns out I never have to because it's one of them scam schools that were you're forgiven. You know, like, it's like a DeVry. Oh, I missed, I should have gone to DeVry.

I know. I paid some of it back before that. I think it was Biden, of all people that passed that thing. Do you remember the Debbie Dutson School of Driving? Yeah, but not because I went to it because I heard of it and it sounded funny. Yeah, right. But what is it? Debbie Dutzen School Driving.

Yeah, of course. It taught you how to be a truck driver. We Google the Debbie Dutson School of Driving and it was there was, play the commercial. It was like, I went to Debbie Dutson. It was so, they don't make. commercials that way anymore yeah anyway find me to I went to Andrew Tate University

he does have doesn't he have a university yeah on our mystery boys we got into it on one of them what's he up to now Andrew Tate last I heard he was just winning just being a fucking Jane amazing you know

he's the best all right is this Debbie Jason and everything he does being an alpha bro here it is that Debbie Dudesson school driving. Honk, honk. Where was this? Can you turn it up?

I drive the big rigs at Dutson School of Trucking. I heard $1,500 a first week and $50,000 a year. If you want to make big money, call now, area code 818. That's not bad. 445, 2,400, or

213, I do remember this. Wait, what region was this? This is L.A. Dutson and driving schools are the best. Ask me. I'm Debbie Duttson. What is the chick teaching truck driving? Have you ever seen a female truck driver in your life?

Ask me! Yeah, she's not, she's too cute. I know, she's too cute to be a lot, lizard. What is this? She ain't driving trucks, man. Well, maybe they have, uh, she just runs the school. Yeah, because they don't look like that, dude. No fucking way.

Wait, so what's your favorite conspiracy theory right now? Like, what? Oh, well, okay. So, you mean, well, I mean, favorite, here's ones that I like them. Yeah, like what? Here's ones where I like it, but this is not, the ones that are like, you know, going on now in front of your face are like,

I would like is not a good word but I like the idea of the secret Starbucks a lot what's that you know the uh the actors the the actor bond under L.A and they can go to the underground highway they have access to oh that's how they that's how Oprah molested people allegedly right like isn't that how I didn't know that about Oprah but I mean she is a huge piece of shit I think anyone can see that I don't know why you might yeah do you think she is a huge piece of shit yeah why is that She's a goddamn human traffic. First of all,

John of God, motherfucker? She's, she's pushed so many filthy human traffickers on a stinking show and, like, sorcerers.

Sorcerer demons. Yeah, and they're all creeps. And the fucking secret, bitch, you mean the occult? That's what that means. The occult means the secret.

What? Occult means hidden. So the secret. Right, right. That's the occult for moms. Oh, yeah, that's true. She did,

yeah, she did kind of lead, like, a cult of moms into weird awakenings. And where the fuck is Stedman. Ain't nobody seen Stedman for like eight years. True. And like why won't they get married?

Like why won't she marry? Because he probably is corpse in a weird underground ceremony because that guy is dead. I had never seen, you've seen Stedman lately? I haven't seen him. Nobody cares to ask. Where is he? I don't even want to know to be honest. But the theory, my theory, I mean not my

theory, but I think allegedly the theory was that she and Gail were an item and that Stedman is the beard. Yeah, that's right. And I thought that, you know, in the amazing spaceship that Dick Rocket they went on, they were gay. So I thought, oh, that was both terrible. We're doing this for women to take out space. They took a space way, though.

None of them are driving, so it was safe. Don't worry. So fucking, I hate that fake women empowerment. Why don't you guys just, it's just bourgeois, like, fucking. Build society. Don't worry about taking fucking rights. Well, you know, the thing where, like, it's like degrading to be a mother of kids.

I'm not into like, I'm not like trad or some shit, which I think just means you're like a gay racist, trad. Right? I think that's what that means is I'm a gay racist. When some young kid says I'm trapped, I'm like, I'm a gay guy. I like shaving the sides of my hair.

And I'm into skinny, fashy-looking dudes. Yeah. And it's like a weird sex thing. Like I said, they don't have gay on no more. I don't know. Now there's a conspiracy. But there's a bunch of TikToks I've been finding, where there's gay guys struggling with their faith and they're like, God, doesn't want me to suck.

Well, why don't you fucking pick one, motherfucker? I mean, you know, you know, like, it's just like, so he's like, I don't want to lose any advantage I could have, so I don't want to be honest. So in this day and age, if you're just not to think, no, if you're a stinking PDF file, yeah, yeah, you better hide that chimp off. A PDF file? Yeah, I'm helping your algorithm. There it is right there. Another white chariot. Just fucking rolled up here.

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Spotify, it's Jay Shetty. Are you one of those media strategy people? scrolling through spreadsheets, searching for an audience that pays twice as much attention to your ads than they do on social? Let me introduce you to fans. And they're here with me on Spotify. Trust me, I know fans. They don't skip. They stay for hours. They don't move on. They may. manifest. They're not a demographic group. They're fans. Spotify advertising. You're among fans. Speaking of PDFs, the Michael Jackson thing came out. Now, my kids are suddenly into Michael Jackson because apparently they've been, you know, showing the clips on the YouTube's and all

that shit. Do you remember seeing my, so if you're around the same age as me, when I was in first grade, that's when that thriller, he did a moonwalk. Yes. And when I said, I never forget. Now, I was a little Jehovah Witness because, So we... You were? Yeah. So...

I didn't know that. Yeah, so I never had like, um, movie idols or rock and roll idols like that, you know, because it's just like kind of friends. And, but anyway, I remembered, so we're all six, but I remember kids, boys and girls, like, they went nuts for him the way chicks did for the Beatles. Yeah. It was like sexual. I mean, it wasn't sexual, but it was.

Like you, I was so true because... I was too young to understand that when I watched it, but that obsession is like... That is so true. Yeah. You know why? Okay. It's the same. reason those K-pop guys are popular with tweens and young it's because they're they're little like

him at that thriller stage he was like a sweet little 12 year old boy like well no he was an adult but he had a voice of a 12 year old boy probably right getting kicked in his balls or whatever yeah it's crazy so so wait what is the movie that's out now is it it's a documentary about his life that the family did yeah it's just so but it's none of the uncomfortable part right so it stops right at the most interesting part where he starts taking Emmanuel Lewis to the Grammys as his date and shit like that. That was crazy. Remember that?

Emmanuel Lewis was his fucking date to the Grammys, bro, and nobody in the 80s was like, that's weird. Hey, that's odd. In the 80s, they had this thing. I'm hanging out with McCully Coke in this weekend. What was that 80s shit of, like, having a black midget with you? Remember that? Well, because black midgets were all the rage.

There was like two TV shows. Yeah. because different strokes with Gary what's his fucking not Gary Newman Gary Coleman Gary Coleman Gary Coleman was hot

because he was like a 20 year old playing a five year old or something because he had he was a digit It was like this thing of where you have a child actor that will stay cute for longer than a regular child actor and like now looking back

I'm like what are you there was a show called it was like a Malcolm in the middle knockoff and the kid on that show clearly had a kidney problem yeah yeah yeah yeah Like a young, oh, do you got kidney problem? We can use this kid for years.

It's really fucking gross, dude. Do you remember the show life goes on? Mm-hmm. Okay. This was like so vintage, vintage fucking classic 80s. They hired a Down syndrome actor to play the kid with corky. And they named him corky. Yeah.

It was like, really, that's a little on the nose. Could we name him Stephen? I think that's a generation. Because I remember my dad had a friend named Corny. in Ohio for Cornelias. His name was corny. And like there's probably a lot, there's still, you know, some people called gay back then.

But what's corky short for, Corquilius? I think it's short for Corquilius, if I'm not mistaken. Oh, fuck, speaking of, before we get into this, I've got to announce the fucking greatest thing ever. I'm going to the UK. This summer,

I will be doing one show in London, July 22nd, at the Lester Square Theater. Buy our tickets, right meow, right meow. Lester Square Theater, July 22nd in London. One night only. I'm so fucking pomp. Right, meow.

Right, meow. And true, yeah. I love playing. I haven't played England in a long time. Oh, they're so good. They're so fun. I was doing a black comedy circuit tour. Yeah, when?

Just now? 2011. Yeah, I've done those. That's like when you first start headlining, you just do anything. Steinberg, Dalman, Management of what it was, but it's a fun trip. Which clubs did you do? Do you remember?

What was your top? It was a tour. The guy that ran the tour, those dudes that ran the tour. I love them. I miss those guys this day. One dude's name's Sammy. The other dude was R.D.J. was the productions. And the guy was the ex-Jovey, too.

So I got, so I kind of got along with them immediately, you know? Ex-Jovey to the Izzo. Okay, are you ready? So this is interesting. As I am into Michael Jackson, we just found this clip. Mm-hmm. and he called him a fat black dude. Who?

And I can't deal with that. Who called who what? Well, and secondly, where are you saying that at a press conference? Like, what? Well, is he talking about some Jew? Remember how he would be like slightly like contractual dispute, anti-Semitic? You could tell he's having issues with his management in the song. You know?

I know. Yeah, Michael What far? What song? It's just like, I like, I thought there's recording him with like a deep voice too somewhere where he dropped that.

I've heard of that. Can we search? Does anybody else know what I'm talking about? See, I feel like Michael, I was really into him until he started putting tape on his fingers and saying he was bad

and starting to beat people like that whole time. Then he fucking lost his mind. Because I didn't like when he became violent either. Yeah, he was like, what are you doing? You're not bad. I didn't like with his gangster rap phase.

Yeah. I don't, you know, but I like the word glove to keep his boy hand soft. That was the, this is my boy hand. Nothing suspicious about a guy with one glove. So here, the reason he said that, Michael Jackson, he says, he's saying that Tommy Motola called Al Sharpton, a fat black, any? Oh, boy, this is a tough one. Please.

Nope. Nope. A fat black, nope, during a protest. Fat black ninja is how you would. say it or a fat black fella is how I like to say it. You call him a fat black fella. Oh, okay, okay. So this makes sense.

I was like, why would he say that just at like a press tour for him announcing dates? Because Tommy Mottola is a well-known piece of shit, I think. Everybody. They all, aren't they all in the music business, these big guys? Michael, you sweet, you sweet peder-assed. Tommy Matole. Dude, Al Sharpton is one. Have you seen Al Sharpton lately, by the way, on Morning Joe?

He's insane. It looks like a mummified corpse that they bring a, like a sight. insane. Okay, but this was a press conference discussing a protest against Tommy Matole. This is where Michael's a fucking retard because he's like, oh, remember he's going, David Blaine, your magic is real. Remember that shit? Here's why I don't like Michael Jackson.

I'll tell you, because I was watching him do these press conferences. Because he has a horrific skull face. Well, that too. But I did see pictures of him with the Vidal I go now. That's out so that maybe he did have to have skin treatments. Okay, fine. But he's like, I'm going to sing all the songs that my first. fans love because the world is so the world needs me to have the world and the precious and the

love and Mother Teresa and all the and like meanwhile meanwhile the darkest shit is going on behind closed doors right they're always like that the people that are like and he's one of the nicer ones by the way my favorite is he of all because once you go apply enough guess what everybody has to do is that shit and so he probably is one of like the nicer ones about that dark shit but within all these little secret So I personally don't You know what's his name I've been doing a joke about it

I'm like I think that Rob Brynner's kids A real spoiled brat You're liberal parenting Anything goes But uh These are these photos I'm kissing him kissing him on the lips And then Carl Reiner's kissing him on the mouth

Now I've been told that's an old Lithuanian Jewish tradition But I don't think they're just really observant I think that's hard to believe First of all, Eastern Europeans are homophobic as shit. They're not going to be kissing on the lips. No, fuck away, dude.

It just doesn't. It's like Bill Cosby. Oh, everybody was getting high and fucking. Yeah, right, but he was doing a little bit worse, this motherfucker. That's how he snuck in while everybody else is loose. That's he's sneaking into your creepy shit, you know? But Michael, you can find it somewhere, and I can't remember where, but his dad's old bandmates talked about. because I've already heard this.

In fact, my friend Emma's podcast, which I recommend, especially if you want to know about MK. Monarch victims, which plays into all this. Like, Diddy got used as a living altar by his mom. Oh, that beautiful couple we saw at the beginning. If you watch the Netflix Diddy documentary, I took it as strongly implied that his mom thought he was gay and tried to straighten him out with her own pussy.

I took that. Also, she's engaged in Caribbean kind of a spirit, it witchcraft. So that means all these scumbags and there's like in the ghetto, people are doing fucking black magic in the ghetto. I mean, can you imagine what they're up to. Well, a living altar,

don't look it up. You don't want to be used as that. And he apparently, this was one of Bob Marley's kids that Diddy had apparently confide confided this in her. But all these people are doing it, they're doing, you know, that's the triangle.

Yeah, yeah, I've seen that. Yeah. The triangle of manifestation or a mudra if you want to be. Wow. It's a lot of syncretism in a theosophy. Oh, Alsa Kroly shit. That's Jay Z.

Yeah, yeah. Yes. I believe that they're all into that. He says it. And the wife. He says it. Do with thou wilt. What is that?

That's from fucking Thelima. That's the thing. Do with that wealth shall be the whole of the law. And there you go, I love under will. That doesn't sound like, so where's the kid dittling? Where do you guys fall on that, though? I'm not hearing what I would like to hear. And they're like, don't do that.

Yeah. You know? Don't do that. don't eat them. Don't eat them. I know I'm, I probably sound like I'm having a little bit of a purity spiral, but I know I've, I tend to let Best be the enemy of good, and I realize that. But I feel like it's a big, uh, no on, uh, pettles. Oh, I know. It's real. It's, it occurs. Oh, Ticktack ship. Now they're telling you alien

shit after that? Is that a little anticlimactic? I know. I mean, look, the internet just made it all available to us now. We can just see the horror show that exists. You know, Deptseen files, nobody, so you either are going to not look into it, which is like most people I know. I can't. I can't. But just see, no, they're cannibal pals and there's a long history of it.

And it's been coming out for years, but nobody listens anybody that was a victim of it because they go, you're, oh, you're crazy. It does sound crazy, actually. That's why they do it so over the top. So no one will ever believe you. What are you dreaming? Were you on a drug? Yeah, all that.

and, you know, someone's, it's like the worst version of Disney World you can imagine. Same costumes, but an inverted version. You know what I mean? Yes, yes. And so that's the, that's how you control people. 9-11 is a trauma-mind control. Oh, hold on, hold on. Before we get into that, listen, there's got to be a way we can elect the right people.

No, there's no. How would you do that? Because, hold on. I found the right guy. All right. I'll hear you out at least. Here we go. Governor, I'm at the, uh,

YMCA just leaving now. It's still like, oh gosh, at least 85 degrees here in Minneapolis. Oh, thank God, 85. It's a good day. I'm going to go home, relax, get ready for the little Zach X interview. Hopefully he'll be respectful. Who? Who's that?

It's like Malcolm X's second cousin. He's white, isn't he? But anyway, this guy, look, do you want to vote for this guy? Hold on. He's running for governor. Oh, there's more to his argument. Ms. Evanstead is a middle-aged man. He's mentally ill, yeah, okay. But he's running for governor of Minnesota.

Good. His slogan is, make Minnesota, comma, Minnesota again. And he's also Christian. Great. He posts videos of himself smoking out of a bong frequently and makes other videos of himself around Minneapolis tits. Well, let's look up his Instagram because...

The Daily Bread. Here's the thing. The devil you know is better than the one that pretends to be normal. It just depends. Man. Like I'd rather have... Who's this chick?

Let's see. Oh, there's Mike Pillow. Now, I'd vote Mike Pillow. You know Mike Pillows? I don't. I don't. He's got that super pillow that makes you so comfortable. He's no crack.

Oh, I love that. So why is he posting these guys? Whoa, who... Whoa. Who's this out of costume drag, the black guy? Oh, what a rat. That's Mike Pillow, yeah. Who's that?

What does it say, guys? I can't read because my... Oh, wait, I've got my other glasses. It says, Minnesota Governor race oh what a rat oh i haven't understood one part of this starting with his his uh face face time there i don't understand a single part of this campaign demise will play political violence fill you city okay but i want to see him is there is there stuff for him running for yeah i want to hear his arguments with the stray cats right it's a great song i don't want to hear that i could tell you

no okay let's see the him with the bong i have a feeling we're going to hear some gems he He's doing a big bong rip. I got our miracle. I mean, haven't we had guys, governor, that we're doing worse than this? I feel like, remember that guy that ran Toronto? Wasn't he smoking crack? That's the last time I cared about 10. That's why I'm bitter at Canada.

I'm sitting here. Got a real sunny day here. So I got to kind of keep my eyes close from this heat and that intense sun. Or you could wear sun. But I just wanted to make a campaign. update. Things are not looking good. Wait, wait, wait. He just starts out. It's a sunny day.

Play this again. Threat me and prevent me from getting under the convention floor on Friday after I went down to Rochester to challenge Amy face-to-face to get a microphone finally for the state. And they wouldn't let me in. So I've reached out to over 150 people in our state on both sides of the aisle for a lieutenant governor.

Oh, good. keep working. And nobody will stand up with me. Is he crying? So tomorrow the deadline is five and it looks like it's going to come and go. Oh. I met with the governor candidate today, but that person won't relinquish the governor title and I'm not here to debate Ben Shrera.

I've been there. Debate Amy Klobuchar. We let my dad die. Everybody, it's Governor Evanston. Amy Kulomachar. The last time someone cried like that. The last time somebody cried like that related to Amy Klobuchar, they were an employee of Amy Klobuchar.

That's that bitch. She eats a salad with a comb because she didn't bring her a fork. He said, look, you got to watch her eat her salad. She's a dumb bitch. But this guy, he started, maybe he started out like his 85 sunshadow. It's the worst day of it. It took a drastic turn. Maybe the sun in his eyes was bothering him.

What is with Minnesota? Oh, boy. You know? Yeah, it's like this bastion of normalcy. and then bunch of weirdos and fucking creeps live there oh what he's got another he's doing bong rips there let's see him doing a bong rips now now I approve of that platform but yeah yeah oh he's rasta that's the Christian that he is that is cool yeah

be free yep I mean look we're society is ready for a leader that openly does drugs I feel like if they're not going to make a new season or far Fargo, Fargo's going to make it, you know? Does anybody care if your governor smokes pot? I don't. And I like his platform. I think that from what I could tell, we're moving completely off of a,

issues based anything into the Spencer Pratt. Now, Spencer Pratt, by the way, he did fill that fire. Yeah. Okay, and I don't know if you know, but Mayor Chocolate Rain was not that good. Yeah. Are you familiar with Mayor?

I know Chocolate Rain. John Malady. had a good phone call with her on his show. Hi, Mayor Chalkland Rang! It was such a tasteful. I really liked it because John was so tasteful not bringing up the massive homeless problem. Yeah.

Anyway. Poor L.A. God, but listen, L.A. is always my home. It's my hometown. It's so fucking sad what's happened to that place. It's devastating. Listen, you can't spend. You think it's true?

You think it's deliberate than running it into the ground? First of all, how? It's important. What's the gain? What's to be gained, sir? You take everybody's shit and get you in your 15-minute city, which they've been talking about forever. First of all,

I think probably with Gavin Newsom, that recall was probably stolen. Don't get hung up on any of these elections because I think Trump proved to us that, you know, now you understand the president's not in charge of shit, right? Everybody gets that now. So anybody now is going to be like, well, now we bring in the Democrats to save the day.

Or whoever. Yeah. But how about this? Just hear me out. Here's one more. I'm not a political person. I am after this guy because I don't like how he was cheated. And I felt for him while he was crying in the sun.

Okay. That's me. Crying in the sun, hitting a ball. Here's another political thing I do believe in, though, okay? I was thinking maybe we put a day in between Saturday and Sunday and make the weekend one day longer. And I was thinking maybe for the name. we make it

fun day because it's in between Sunday and Saturday dude thank you finally because it's in between the weekends fucking finally

I think we should be able to have dinner for breakfast and call it dick fist that's right I've always said that I'm in this kid jerks off

to the thought of being eaten and shitted out by a Pokemon I can promise you as an expert just based on the way he spoke that kid has like

I'm married to a Pokemon She eats me And it's like a guy Like it's also gay somehow Do you understand what they did to these kids And that ain't no accident It's not an accident They have no taints left

You've heard about the microplastics Oh yes yes yes The ice caps are come back by the way That's not a thing Yeah But you taints So now There's nothing between the ass and balls

He does have dark reptilian eyes too So maybe Fun Day is another way It's a conspiracy It's another way to control us I don't like his irreverent sense of humor I'm gonna be honest I think that's rude oh you think that's cute to take the days of the week and call one of them fun day well really new everything's out of control next thing you know you know we're getting too heavy we're too heavy maybe call it fun day but dick fist

that's got legs that's got here you go this let's lighten the mood it's the summer season everybody's going on vacay here we go Oh, nice. Is that a campaign ad? I assume it's from Minnesota or something. It's so sharp. It is? Yes.

He's in the touch. You know what's really cool is I, because I've stayed at so many hotels, as have you, you know exactly what, where this is. Like, this is maybe a courtyard by Marriott or maybe a Ramada. It's the indoor pool. It reeks of chlorine. This is a public space. This is not his private.

pool. Why? Because there's wooden benches and a rules posted on the wall just because of that. He's just like, but the audacity to do a licky video. Is that, there's a name for this? I just called it that. Okay. There's not like a new thing you do.

You're like, hey, but cool guys, cool guys often do licky videos. Should I be doing licky videos? I didn't even know. I'm pretty cool. But do you think is this going to work? Are you single guy?

I don't understand what the goal of this video is, first of all, so I just need to be clear on that. You don't get it? I get it. He's trying to let you know that he's hot, wet, in the pool waiting for you. Hey, come and get it. It's an invitation for love. It looks like I've got an IKEA meatball in that pool. Just soaking in some brine.

I feel like I'm buying cheap furniture and like, give me that one. Love it. Give me the meatball licking his lips. You know what? I'm in the mood to get weird. This is not. Honestly, before I saw this video, I didn't want to get weird, but now? Oh, I want.

Can I tell you my dream with just to do, just to do a show of nothing but my TikTok curations? Are you familiar with TikTok? Yeah, well, you know what? I'm not, I am, but I'm not just going to watch TikTok, even though I was single uncle of two. Are you on it? Are you on TikTok? No, I really do need to get on to it, but, uh... Well, yeah, everybody does.

My attention span is like YouTube short, but not TikTok short yet. But I will watch a lot of YouTube. If you make a channel of TikToks, I will watch that on YouTube. Perfect. That's a really good idea. So as... It's a very boomer of me. As you may or may not know, I like to feature the marginalized communities on TikTok.

And here we go. Let's see. Get over it, Jennifer. I'm never going to have... have nothing to do with you ever because of it and your little whores you want to run a whore game you're dumb bitch i'll never have nothing to do with you you fucking hors wow and i bet jennifer's beautiful i know i bet he's right to be this upset because i bet she's just an angel this is my favorite line of ticot's is like the older people that don't understand

this is a public platform like jennifer is not the only one of the one of the ticotks is like jennifer is not the only that's going to see it, but we all got to see it, which is even more special. Well, so how many followers is he? I'm curious, like, I mean, I will text this to somebody if I saw it. Jenna goes on Instagram, my girlfriend does, and she'll text me like anything that she finds like this, but not from TikTok. I never got into that. Oh, she's got to go to TikTok because then you find gems like this.

But here's the thing, if you've ever been burned by a lady, like the temptation to make this kind of a talk. Especially when I got the best hair and mustache and beard that I've ever seen on TikTok, frankly. I know. Look at that amazing. But everybody knows that's not the way to go when you're burned by love. You cannot do these videos. I would tell this to everybody.

Never write a love letter in your life. Wait a minute. Have you ever gone back and look at something that you wrote in earnest to someone? Why would it keep the love letter that I wrote to somebody? They've got it. All my embarrassing shit. Because they died before prom and now they can never read it. But you hold it close to your heart.

You should write love letters when you're, yeah, of course. Now I want to smoke a cigarette because it smells so good. 50 is so good. I only smoke during the show and on Thursdays. Worst addiction there is. I know, I love it. Yeah. But like, you're allowed to write love letters.

I would say up until like 18, right? Maybe 18 is that, or 16? How about 47? What if somebody wrote you a love letter at 47? I would love it. If Tom wrote me a love letter, he'll be like, you know, you know, like the obligatory letters. I thought that was a beautiful message that you played at the top of the show. I can see the love in those weird border collie eyes of his. Border collie does look like a border collar. His chips of blue ice eyes looking right in. I could tell everything he was thinking. It was a deep love letter, frankly. It was actually beautiful. Here's by their text.

He's 1980s. Oh, wow. noise I'll be dash 116 now what you're digging it oh that's what I was thinking too has a really really nice sound to it that yeah fuck it that's a good fan

there's nothing like it he's he's not wrong he's on the 16 inch models he's not wrong dude in 1980 it's more pronounced in the 16 inch models you go to your nana's house this is the model she had and you're right

I always thought about putting my dick in the fan You could have been First Lady of France Had you done that Why is it that I always think about putting my dick in the fan Because I think you're not wrong It's like one hand clapping It's you're supposed to not answer it And just think about it a lot

Right? Do you have Do you have to fight it? Look I don't have a dick in this fan personally But But I think I have Yeah I've always wanted to do that I think that'll be really cool

I mean, if you got a dick, you might as well stick in random shit, right? Like the great God pan, a role model for your children. The nature racist with goat feet. Will you be honest with me and tell me at your youngest and horniest, what's the, and you're a J. J.H. to the Izzo. That built up a lot of, yeah, it's a lot of pressure. Were you, did you not touch yourself because of that?

Oh, I remember I used to make deals with. God that I would stop. Oh. Just one more run, Lorsch. One more run. Yeah. Oh, my God. And then I remember the last time I never, by the way, got a streak at my parents' house and never getting caught once.

Really? And I remember the last one, I did have one more run in my life, and I never had it since. Wow. I got out, retired to jerk off hills, Austin. What did you J or D to back back? Because What? What did you say your details?

Because you were a Jehovah's Witness. You saw like you had pornography or magazines. Oh, that's the saddest thing about that. Well, we found, okay, this is a cliche almost, but it's true. We all found porn in the woods when I was young. Oh, like in a tree or something? It wouldn't even be that hard to get.

It would be like on the ground next to a tree stump. And like, did all the Jehovah's kids know that that's? Not just for Jehovah's Witnesses. All people. all boys we were like young Joseph Smith with a dousing rod dousing for pornography

no it's just free to get a point you'd be in the way like one you know you have a bad friend whose mom's boyfriend keeps his born easy to find you know and what would have happened to you if you were caught jang your d in the church not in the church but I wouldn't do that in the church now I'll tell you one thing

that we worried about was jerking off in the church no but I mean like would you get would you what did they punish you how would you be punished there wasn't like a uh i mean i think when i was still in it they were just like it's obviously a filthy habit but you know and you shouldn't do but it's not like don't get all fucking i'm paraphrasing it like did they hit you because i know like michael got hit a lot and he was a jehovah who's michael jackson he got hit by his dad like was it a corporal punishment or is that just because dude his one of the band members said that He saw Joe Jackson pouring some weird black oil shit into his fucking ear and some weird ceremony.

And I've heard of this at least three other times or other people unconnected to that, this thing of pouring something in your ear. I don't know what it is. It's like that Star Trek movie where they put the pinchers in the ear. I'll never forget it. I know. Much like putting a dick in a fan putting that pincher in your ear. Oh, but a dick and a fan's less, I wince less at the dick in the fan than I do at that thing going in my ear. Because my dick will stop that fan easy

So I don't worry about that But I can't do nothing if you got fangs in my ear What can I do? Fuck, I know Okay, here Don't wish your time If you look for a call And you don't want to end up on the bus

Come down to King Malders And see my girl, my teenager She'll get you right Regardless to your credit Regardless of the down payment She's going to make a hat Oh my god Well a lot of black guys

Are you going to show up for that call on they A chick that gets it like that Every black woman hates this bitch, but I promise you a black man. Like, she's all right. I like her, eh? I'm a black guy. I'm hard as a rock right now.

Yeah, she's fantastic. This is from Baltimore. And she's from Baltimore. Do you have to hear any more than I understand? No, she's great. From baldy? Of course you're going to talk like that. God, I love it.

That's actually the least retarded Baltimore accent I've ever heard. Baltimore. Baltimore. She sounds less retarded than a normal Baltimore accent. She seems young to be working at the year. Yeah, wait, how old is she? I don't think she's of age. Oh, wait a minute.

She's like a 12-year-old. Well, she talks like a very mature young woman, so I was fooled. Anyone would be fooled by such a mature young woman. My fucking fiance, Richard Glenn Samelov, is back to me right now. Or I will have everybody in fucking goddamn trouble. I don't fucking play around. Are you just going to show me pornography? I'm like about to come right now.

Give him back or there will be trouble. Wait. I don't understand what she wants like for that. Is she talking to that other guy? From before? Is he in a fight with a... The fun day guy? No, not...

No, no. Good guess, but the guy with the... Shut up, Jennifer. Oh, yeah, yeah. Is he fighting over a woman with a woman? Maybe this is Jennifer. Maybe this is fucking... I mean, she is even more beautiful

than that chick at the car lot. Hold on, let me hear what she wants. I'm not sure I understand what her want is. Here we go. A fucking fiancee. Where's your Glenn Samelov is back to me. Right now. Glenn Sammalon?

Glenn Sammalon. I'll have everybody in fucking goddamn trouble. Play that name back, enhance. Enhance. Glenn, Mr. what? Give him back or there will be trouble. She's fighting for her man. Should I stay or should I go?

This is a decision. Well, who is she talking to? Like, China? She's talking to the other woman, clearly. Um, China. Again, do not call. contact these people as much as you want to fuck them.

I know you want to fuck the shit out of them. Do not contact the people on this show. Look, I know this has been a very erotic. You got that Mexican delinquent with his fucking tattoo face mom? I know. It's so beautiful. I see an upcoming story about men popping out of the sewers. Oh, yeah, we have that story.

Listen, for there's time. I got to get these talks first, but remember that men in the sewer thing. Okay. Okay, here we go. My name is Jimmy Brown. I'm here in Budapest. I'm trying the local cuisine, the longos. This guy reminds me at DeRosa, his music. Have you seen his music? And then there's like sausage and cheese and white cream. It's not breakfast, you dummy. And bacon as well.

Shit flaps. It's good. Bang on. I just find out a picture, but it's better to be closer. You ever have those? There's Georgian bread both things? I think I don't know my pizza is. It's not completely deep fried.

But this is in the nice white cream amplifies the... White cream. It's a sour cream. It's down lying. Just, it's just lovely. And now I've got this fat sausage. A bit of yellow sauce. Dude.

I think it draws it going, dude, just good, dude. It's just like a big fat sausage. If it were better, it would be better,

but it's quite nice. Right, my name is Jimmy Brown. Have you seen his albums? Who? Jimmy Brown. Jimmy Brown is a 19-year-old boy with a,

this is his character he is. And he has all these, like, British pain songs, like, Depeche-Mo. That's hysterically, like,

I was diagnosed a diabetes today. I'm poorly remembering it, but that's what I know him from. So this is him doing some, like, food review. So this is Longoche. It's called Longoche. It's not a breakfast thing per se, but he is eating it for breakfast. I just think that it's so funny because that shit slaps so good.

That's like Hungarian pizza. If you do go to Hungary, get the Longosh. It is fucking great. Wait, what is it? It's called something different here. I go from this place, I think it's called Breadbo. But it's Georgian. Oh.

It's like a hollowed out bread thing with, uh, it's great. Delish. Yeah, that's fine. I just liked how he... Now I want that. Yellow sauce. It's called mustard. Well, because he's always talking about, like, you know, self-hatred drinking and eating.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's one video that's really good he has, where it's like a doctor explaining he's got diabetes. And the music is like Robert Smith from the cure. He's singing... Yeah, he sounds like the cure. What do you sing it? It's pretty funny. That's cool.

I didn't realize. Yeah. I just thought he was some cute little British guy. I find sex abhorrent. And it's all like abnormal development fucking songs from you like Lord of the Rings right Oh, who does it? Jack Jack the lad, huh?

You're a dream. Oh. But let's be honest, mostly disappointing half remembered nightmare. What is? Life? The new Lord of the Rings. A lot of light, but definitely not as magical. What the fuck is he talking about?

Peter Jackson. I'm signing off. Oh, he's shit-faced, don't? Yeah, dude, dude, you know, even out with some blow, even before you do that. It's good. This reminds me of Madonna's last facelift, and after she was on all the pain pills, I don't know if you caught her doing her weird shit. It was pretty on parley-upus. As a matter of fact, I clip that specific clip of her on that rail and played it on my

podcast over and over but now that you bring it up it. No, my daughter. Her face settled down eventually, I believe. Yeah, no, the face lift looks great now, but she just, she got in front of the camera too soon. You got to give it a year to settle down. Oh! What happened? I spilled

this because of them. You stupid, motherfucker. Can someone help so that we don't? Can I get some help here, please? God, ruin the equipment. You guys? You don't want them on fire. Oh, it's spreading everywhere. I just, the moving words of Sir Magneto, Sir Ian Magneto just now. But don't you think that is rule number one

of getting ripped alone is like, don't put the camera on yourself, just don't. Rule number two, don't steal my outfit if you do. And my exact same torso. Don't steal my hat and suspenders and my torso. He's in good shape. I know. The secret to.

getting old is just staying thin. That's the whole, I think that's the secret because you just be skinny. Okay, here we go. Here's some more good stuff. It's a secret cave entrance. Watch this, just watch. Just watch. Just go. Bye bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye now. Here he goes.

What the fuck, dude. So it's a secret cave entrance. You go in and you get spit out somewhere else. But watch this fucking shit, dude. Oh. Oh. Oh Oh, where is he? Where the fuck is he? Dude, dude, it's taking way too long.

I'd be dead by now. Oh, that's one of them Filipino clam divers. They can go down a long time, those boys. I don't like that. That freaks me to fuck out. That's my worst suffocating and also not a lot of space. I take up a lot of space. Of course.

I don't take up a Filipino amount of space. That's the thing is, like, how do you fucking find out you're thin enough to do this. Like you get one shot at it, dude. You get one fucking shot. You just your friend is like... That's what that guy's mom said earlier. I feel like any could get away with this. You're skinny enough.

Would you try it, any? Fuck, no, I wouldn't try it, but I probably could do it, though. You could do it. This is a great idea. No, but I could. I don't like how long it took him to get spit out. Yeah, I was very uncomfortable the entire time. That was fucking terrifying.

Where is this nightmare? Do you know? that looks like the Philippines, but if it's not, it's Indonesia. But I say Philippines, right? I say we send Ari there and let him try. He's already done it and been there and tried. I know. Probably insulted the people. I had to get a

hamster curse removed. So good. I hear that. Yum. Why is she doing that? Why is she doing that? What do you mean why? Because Diet Coke fucking slaps, bro. That's why. But you ever had a really good It's not a response to, does she have to do with the guy and the girl that were fighting earlier?

Like, is she the one they're fighting over? Like, I'm just trying to put our contacts together. You know what we need? What is that on TikTok when you can do split screens? Like, I wish I could unify all of these people on one conversation and have them all have, like, a weird off together. And I bet you they would get really into it. Can we do that at some point? Can facilitate a conversation between all my face?

favorite TikTokers. You know what that is, is how it's there in Hollywood Weird Squares is what it is, right? Oh, I remember. That was so funny.

Back when his show was fun, yeah. Oh, my God. Now it's a nightmare. Good times. Good times. I think the, pandemic really took its toll.

But anyway, here we go. Oh, he's a fruit loop, dude. I love him. I still love him. He's still the best. Well, he don't love you. In fact, don't touch him. He has a special elevator

for his car. Oh, yeah? To not have, so he doesn't have to have any human contact. I don't blame him. Hey, I don't blame him.

Look, the older I get the ones I want. If you watch his new stuff, it's really worth it. It's really worth all the hassles. You know, that's what I think is great. I love him so much. Can I tell you that Howard Stern was like my greatest? It's a terrible influence. When I was working at my dad's forklift shop when I was 14 years old,

that's when I started listening to Howard Stern. Every morning for the full four hours on 97.1. And then that thing would end. And then the rest of my day was shit. because I had to listen, like, all the fake bullshit. You're right. And you're like, oh, I just bring back this guy. When I did She Rock, I would put on Howard Stern

and track plaster into the people's bedroom to turn on their clock radio so I hear it. Not very professional. But then again, I went through the medicine cabinets as well. You did? Oh, my goodness. I would never, at that point, it was pretty young. But when I do She Rock, like, I would check any...

Really? Like a fucking creep. What were you into? Pain killers. Pain killers. Oh. You couldn't get them like that back. then so you'd be a lucky fine but then that's true all the sudden uh like i don't know at one point

oxy cotton got very available yeah that's not good but that's better than what now i think you just could give fentanyl i've never i would never i mean i don't want to take them if i have surgery that's how much i'm like i hate fentanyl well just fucking opiates but i know it's scary now the opiots and there's some new one now what's the new one i don't know kids children in the No, it's, I think that's the one she's drinking. It's just good. What's the new one? I have no idea.

Someone just told me about it. You know, I'm not that cool, like, and I don't stay on top of the new opioids like I should. That's true. Okay, here we go. I want you to see this and tell me if you want your girlfriend to have this haircut. Hi, everyone, welcome back. Today I have Andrew with me. She wants to try an undercut, so it's an undercut pixie.

We write this down for Jennifer. Number three. Number three on the back. Good. Boo! I love the music, always. Undercut. Undercut three?

Oh my God. Go, undercut three. Undercut three. Now you're ready to eat some taco. The Rosie O'Donnell. Undercut. Now you're ready to go back to your pit bull rehab and show them what's a... Oh, she's just.

the straight iron. Extra spiky. Wow. Before and after. It looks so different. This is two different people. What did you have before again? Wait, do you have to do the face?

You have to go like this. I'm smiling on the inside. That's an amazing. What a great smile where like your mouth. Now you can see it to smile, but if I describe it to you, you wouldn't know, would you? She's like, ugh.

smiles like that. Mm. Can my mouth even do that? That's like out of a Lewis Carroll, Alice Wonderland sketch. She's like like Tweedledee mouth. Well, the hair looks like a wig that I bought recently.

How much can I pay you, Neona, to get your hair done by the place? Wait, can I see the before one more time? I didn't even notice you changed it to after, by the way. Yeah, here you go. Hold on. It's from beginning.

Hi, everyone. Welcome back. Today I have Andrew with me. She wants to try an undercut, so it's undercut pixie. Undercut pixie. So we're gonna do the number three. Meow. Here it is.

Niana, undercut three, the pixie. Let's go. Yeah, maybe like 25K. Okay. Can we do a... So she's got her same haircut touched up. That's true. It's not that different.

Where's she go? One haircut only salon. We swear by this one haircut. I swear. So this, this... You know what? If I was a Filipino with a collection of Ed Hardy T-shirts, I get both of them pregnant 20 times each.

So this lady does specialize in this haircut. You know, those Filipinos earlier, that's what they like. They dive into her like that cave. Come popping out of the other one. The smile. It is really a great smile. I'm so happy. The music, too, it goes down like this.

I can't even do my mouth like that. This sucks. I think she should go out really long. Kurt Messker, thank you so much for being here. You're an absolute joy in a national treasure. Check out the mystery boys, new episodes out every Thursday on Wyoming Studios channel. Yeah, I don't like that people watch it so much. I know.

I dropped a lot of mysteries on there. Okay. A lot of stuff I probably should have talked about. Well, it's, you do it on. your show. Come see me at Lester Square Theater July 22nd in

London, England. That sounds like the name of this chick Lester Square. Lester Square. Until next time, I love you guys. Meow. Bye. Let's take

two books that have been much discussed. The first one was called God into him from behind. He mastered himself.