Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Jason Nash-226-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 30, 2014

Jason Nash Is Married. This is not only a factual statement, but also the name of a new movie written by, directed by and starring our very special guest, Jason Nash. Tina Jeans became good buds with Nash over the last month as they both filmed the top secret show that you now know about. We love Jason for a lot of reasons, but his honesty about marraige and parenthood might top it all. If his movie is anything like this conversation we cannot wait to see it!  Plus don't look at, approach, pet, whistle towards or think of another persons dog and a HUGE Dental Update from Tina's bestie, amazing audio and more! 

I didn't know what it was. Seriously? No? This is your lane. Jeans, if you haven't already, please, please, please get your tickets to June 6th, the Fun House in Portland, Oregon. And June 7th, I'm at the Rondevue Theater in Seattle, Washington. I'm doing stand-up one night only in both of those cities. Please get your tickets. Go to yourmomshoutspodcast.com or justinecom.com. And if you're afraid of going alone, you know, you can do tweet me and be like, I'll retweet you so that you can find a Jeans, a mommy to go with you. Make a friend? Yeah, I've already done that. How will you get from Portland to Seattle? I'm so curious. Oh, by airplane? By airplane. Okay. I'm not going to drive

or anything. God, no. How many hours is that? It's like, I don't know, like an hour maybe? Portland to Seattle? By plane? Aeroplane? I don't know. I don't remember. It's nothing. We drove it last year. Remember? Yeah, I'm flying this time. I know. I know. I know long it takes to get from Studio City to Sherman Oaks. How long is that? It's about seven minutes. Mmm. This is way longer. It's way longer. It's way longer. I love talking about stand-ups and exactly the minutiae, because I'm too much of a pussy to be a stand-up. Which you are. Huh? You are. No, I'm not on the road or anything. But then I still have that fascination, like, oh, what's it like? What are you doing? What are you doing now? What are you doing

now? It's highly inspiring. I know it's inspiring. July 3rd through 6th, Brea Improv. Then Tommy and I, July 12th in Toronto. Super show. Super show. We're doing your mom's house pied castle. And stand-up. And stand-up, which we rarely do. Huge, huge. Tickets are already going fast. I highly advise you to get your tickets now. How will that work? He goes on first, then you, then the podcaster. You know, we haven't figured out that. I don't know. It's definitely stand-up first. Stand-up first. How long? How long? 45 minutes? Hell no. No, no. Not for that show. 20, 20 in a podcast? Something in, like, in that, yeah, lane. We'll get an opener. I think we'd have somebody. And then you'll get a good hour of stand-up

and then a podcast. And Jeans also, Tommy and I are both doing Ontario. We're going to be at the Ontario Improv, July 24th through 27th. Look at this. We sell the new weeks together, but we're kind of doing it as a special thing for the Improv. Yeah. Let's see. Next week, June 5th through the 8th, I'm at the Brea Improv, and I'm bringing the full charge, Matt Fulchron, with me. And the next week, I'm at the San Jose Improv, June 12th through the 15th, and I'm bringing Denim on Denim, Jeff Tate. Oh my God. And then I got a week in town, and then Helium Comedy Club in Buffalo, New York, June 26th through the 28th. Jason Nash cannot believe it. I'll be nowhere for June, July, and August. Are you guys okay

around the world? I'll be staring at the wall. Yeah, you got this real boring thing called a movie that just came out. No, it's boring. Well, that's the thing is people think movies are so cool or whatever. They're not? It's all smoke and mirrors. It is the most. I mean, we'll talk about it, but are we in the show yet? Yeah, we're doing kind of our butt plugs at the top. So plug your movie and then we'll get into it. We'll talk about the movie a lot, but go ahead. Just give them a little taste of a little butt plug. A little butt plug. Jason Nash is married on iTunes. It's a movie starring me and busy Phillips, June 24th on VOD, everywhere on VOD. And then it'll be on the network in August. That's awesome. So

you can pre-order it now. Go to iTunes, type in Jason Nash or Jason Nash is married. Go to the movies and pre-order it now. The cast on this thing is absolutely bananas, especially for I know our listeners are all comedy nerds. It's a wet dream of comedy nerds. It's incredible. We'll get, we'll get it to it in a minute. Oh, Amazon guys. Listen, Father's Day is coming up. We had the great idea for a top dog to subscribe and buy him toilet paper that will arrive every three months, the kind that he likes. I highly advise you do the same for your father, but do it going through your mom's house podcast.com. Click on the banner. We have a special Amazon banner. And every time you do that, it supports the show. You already going to buy it. We'll

just do it through our banner. Do any shopping you're gonna, we just had somebody tweet us say they spent like $700. Thank you through our banner. So all that helps. Yeah, it's all fantastic. Please do it. Yeah, it's so good. And of course, you got to go on the site. If you haven't already, I don't know what you're waiting for, but it's very clearly you're supposed to already have the shirt that everybody is rocking for the summertime. It didn't greasy. It didn't greasy shirt. Chuck Woolery represents hard and we go hard with them. So get your in greasy shirt. There are women's cuts, men's cuts. They all are not greasy. It didn't greasy. Well, Chuck Woolery is a huge fan of your mom's house. So this is something he's that's not it. Jason's looking at our bikes.

That's our bike shirt. That's a shirt prior to it in green. Yeah, that's bikes. What's the history of it greasy? Well, funny. Very interesting question. Let's you know what sounds great, by the way, I would wear even not knowing what it is. It's amazing. It's amazing. We'll get you know, that's I'm glad you asked. Yes. We'll get we'll get you that very soon. Why don't we let's see here. Do you think it would just skip by this part? No. No, no, no. Listen to it. Okay. No, they love it. And well, you'll see what's going to happen next. Because I used to do a podcast and people are like, Yeah, we don't we don't listen. Oh, they do. And what's going to happen now is Tom's going to play a super, super funny clip and then it's going to go to our music and then and

then the show really starts and then it gets really good. Then you'll miss the funny clip, if not, right? Right. Right. You got to hit the funny clip, buddy. You're good. You know what's up. All right. You ready to do this? We'll start the show with Jason Nash, everybody. Here we go. If you see somebody walking down the street with their dog and the dog is being good at a heel, don't whistle to it. Don't say a fucking thing. Never indicate to the dog anything. The dog is being good. If you like, encourage the dog to come over and pet you or be petted by you, and it's on a leash, the owner is going to have to correct the dog. You're getting the dog in trouble, you dick. Don't bring anyone loving to this.

Oh, Christine, you have to cut this out. It's too long. It's too long. Okay. Because we were listening. We were watching a favorite show of ours and we were like, yes, theme song is really killing me. It's too long. I want all the hate mail directed to Christina for cutting out of the song early. And if you appreciate that we cut it out early, send the mail to me. Let us know how you felt about cutting it short. Was there more to it or was it? Oh, you sound so much better. I just made it. You did a good adjustment. So much better. I like the song. I listen to it all day. Coming at ya. That's the only one. There's like explosions at the end. Wow. I think it's good. You got to have, you got to get people pumped. It's very hard because it's either one way or

the other. It's either like, yeah, coming at you. Or it's like, you're listening to Warren only on MPR. There's those basically two kinds of podcasts, you know, quiet and loud. We're kind of both. Have you seen the YouTube comments under the Chuck Woolery ad for, okay, well, we got it. Oh, so this is the origin of it. Yeah, tell me. Chuck Woolery, you know, I don't know about you, but I don't like taking pills. Oh, I know this. I really don't like those patches either. But I have found it. He says, crazy. I noticed it on my own. I have sound like, and I noticed, greasy. I noticed it on my own. I was like, greasy, greasy. The way he says, greasy is so retarded. It is retarded. And it's unprofessional. And it's unacceptable. Yes. Move this closer.

Okay. So then what you do, you made a shirt of Chuck Woolery and it says, getting greasy. It says your mom's house podcast. Yeah. It's a fucking dope design. Okay. And then around it says, it isn't greasy. That's how he says. He goes, it doesn't burn. It didn't. Here it is. It's an arthritis pain relief cream. It's a great product. It doesn't smell or burn. It didn't greasy. It doesn't smell or burn. And it isn't greasy. Where is he talking like that? I don't know. He's from LA. All he's doing is just selling fucking. It doesn't burn either. Like, what? Is that a selling point for something? It won't hurt you. It will burn. It's so disgusting. He's got, there's a new one. Tricolm is for another skin thing. Chuck Woolery. And I'm here to talk

to you about catheters. Now there's catheters. Let me tell you why. Over the years, I've been a part of some life changing moments. That's it. You got it. No. So ridiculous. Catheters. He never, he never stops. Is your catheter greasy? It's so gross. But I'm convinced that he must have, like, this is the only thing that's going to pay him right now, right? There's nothing else. I mean, he's doing all those Walgreens products. I can't, I can't. Something's wrong. It's a whole fucking lineup though. It's just hard. It's just hard. He's old. And that's what he's selling. And that's, that's where he is in his life. Life insurance has got to be one, right? There's got to be, I bet you there's, yeah. Wilford Brimley. Yeah. So I was just going to say it. He used to do

that. The Quaker Oats things. And maybe he's tagging chicks. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe he's loving life and he's, he's getting that greasy money. And Walry, Walry looks good for a 70-something year old man. Does he? Absolutely. And with the catheter in too, it looks great. Diabetes. Wilford, not so much. Is he still alive? I don't know. I think so. I think so. Anyways guys, Jason Nash is here. My, one of my absolute favorite people from this TVS show, we just did funniest wins. And I, I'd say you made me laugh the most of everybody. Me too. You laughed the most and the audience at home, the least. At home, I wouldn't say so because at home, they're going to actually be laughing their balls off

when they get to see you guys. You know, you're talking about, you guys have only, you only, your only experience of, of like who's funny in the room is like, you know, you forget that like recording, shooting a show that it broadcasts to the millions of people and that those are the people who think this person's funny. Not, not just the people in the room. That's true. Yeah. It's way different. It's like when you do a stand-up spot on TV and you're like, you forget that like the more, more people are going to watch you that are not in the room. They, they, everyone in the room could laugh their ass off and the people at home could be like, this shit sucks, man. Like, you know, or the opposite. Yeah. Yeah. It's like when you watch

Idol and you go, uh, Simon, you're wrong. Yeah. That was great. Exactly. Yeah. Of course. You're both going to get a lot of that. Like you're both going to, you're going to get so much like, you know, I mean, I obviously, I wasn't there so I can't comment on the specifics of it, but like, you're going to, every episode, you're going to do something that people are going to be like, I thought that was fucking hilarious. Of course. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not positive. That's good. I was just thinking that on the way down here. I was like, oh God, when is that, that show is going to come on and the hate is just going to start the day of like, you fucked up. Yeah. That, but that and the people that are like, I get you. I get what you did.

You know, whatever's opinion was wrong and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, but uh, it made me question comedy all together. I was like, I don't even know it's funny anymore. I don't think anything's funny. And, and then I'm like, I think I've seen, I think I've seen all the jokes, but I, so I can't do the jokes anymore. So I don't think anything's funny. And it was horrible, horrible experience. And Marlon hated me. Marlon would just, Tom, I would pitch him jokes. You're forced to pitch him jokes because they have mentor sessions. So like you're working on something really hard. You only have 20 minutes to do it, right? You're like, trying to, and I'll work like that. I work really slow. I don't know about you, but like, what was a good, was a good

bit take you, like a month, right? A year maybe, right? So I'm like working and then you come in and I'm like, well, you know, it's like this. It's a girl that, you know, Bart's heart or butt or whatever. And he would just give me this face. Like he would just stare mouth open at me. Like, I never made him laugh ever, ever, not once. And then he would go, he would turn his back to the person next to me and just look at them and go, I love you. I love you, Jenny. Yeah. But don't you think that like that exists for every single comic based on like that relationship would occur between every comic and the right or wrong mentor or person? In other words, like, you know, you could say like me and then like the person who's like, I'm pitching the joke to, whatever, pick

anybody. You could say it's, you know, fucking, I don't know. Chris Rock would just say, and then I pitch in the joke and he's just like, uh, just doesn't like what I'm doing. You know what I mean? Like that, that's just, that's one person. You know what I mean? Like I know it's your one person who controls this particular show. I know, I know. But like I hear you that that part, that part definitely did you have a mentor? Do you guys have, I think that's such a foreign concept to me. Like in life, I'm not talking about the show. Like people say it's me like, well, my mentor, my mentor, no one's ever helped me do a thing. I've just said people telling me I can't do it. Is that what you mean by mentor? That the people say you're not funny and you have no business

being here or people that, I mean, I just think that's crazy. I think so. Mentors crazy. I think that exists in like the corporate world and it's actually like you actively seek your corporate mentor, but in comedy. I think in comedy, the only way a mentorship should work would be that the person really has takes a liking to you and then offers it to you and you go, I would love that. Right. That's the organic way for a mentorship to evolve. But like for someone to be like, I'm going to help you out with this. And you're like, yeah, I don't really want your help, man. Like, you know, I don't like what you do. So that's weird. I think but there are people like Joe Rogan who we all kind of like look up to and he's kind of mentor people out. Does he help

people? Yeah, I don't know him. I you say he's amazing and Bert says he's amazing. I'm sure he's amazing. I listen to Joe. He's just you know what it is. He's a very like he's a positive, like a really positive dude. Is he? Yeah, he's a very positive guy. He's very successful. And then on top of that, at least for like comics like us, he's accessible. So yeah, you have it's like, it's kind of like we're talking like he likes you. And then you're doing you guys have at least one shared, you know, activity in life. So it's like it's positive in that regard that you know, he's going to be like encouraging and supportive. Like it's a totally good influence. Yeah, where'd you get your start out here? Yeah, you moved here. I moved here. Yeah, from where?

Well, I was I was working in DC. I finished a like I had a chance to like re-sign my my contract for work I was doing there. And then I left. I went to Florida for like a month, which is where my parents live. And then I came out here just started doing open mics and stuff. I did the groundlings first. You did. Yeah. And then you learn a lot. I did actually. I think I learned you know, a good amount like stuff that I had no idea. I failed out of the groundlings. You failed out. Oh, yeah. Well, they kicked me out. They kicked me out. Yeah, I gotta hear this. I've been on like TV and stuff. And then I got there and I was like, Oh, what are you guys here for? Well, I work in insurance and I wanted to get better in front of people. And then that person like

skyrocketed to the top of the class. And what level was this at though? 101. I didn't make it to 102. What? And I had been on TV and I was like considered funny. And you're like you had done acting and yeah, yeah, yeah. I just bombed out. I think I have a problem in any kind of situation where it matters. You know, let's follow this. What do you think the problem is? I think my father, I think my father put an enormous amount of pressure on me. So anytime there's pressure, I just shut down. And so when there's no pressure, I'm fine. Like with the movie, I had no one telling me what to do. I could do whatever I want. They gave me a little bit of money to make shorts. And it was such a small amount of money that they forgot that they gave it to

me. So I'm going to make a movie. And so I took my time and I was like, I don't care. And this probably won't pan out to anything. And then it did pan out. But anytime there's like a certain amount of pressure, like at the show, I'm like, Oh, I messed up every challenge. I'm like, Oh God. And I'm like, I'm funnier than this. I know that I am. And yeah, so I don't know. I was trying to think of the other side. What were we talking about? But that's the the essence of the show is like, it's not only it's hard because it's like you have to be funny, but you have to be funny under the gun. And under the tremendous stress of being a you're on a reality show. It's pretty I don't be I'm so naive. I didn't even know that would be part of it. And then they don't time would be an

issue. And then they don't really give you enough time to do anything properly. So there's it's within reason that you would feel stressed out like everybody, I think was just tremendously like. Yeah, the more that you told me like, you know, like what your schedule and I was actually amazed that you could keep produced like competing daily with like, you know, it's not like I don't want to it's not at all what the real even comedy world is like where it's like, do this today, do this amount of jokes, unless you're like, you know, pitching jokes on a staff, like for like a monologue, you know, like you're writing for like Fallon or something. But like that aside, you don't have to create like this daily and it's a good exercise. It was really crazy competition

though. It's crazy. It's nuts. But I'm sure making a movie now is easier than being on funniest wins. Oh yeah, so much easier. But you said it was a bullshit experience. So why is making movies bullshit? I don't think it's a bullshit experience. I think it's fun to make movies. I think movies are all smoke and mirrors. Yeah, okay. I really do. I think I think the public, I think when you tell someone you're making a movie, people are like, Oh, movie. And I really think that like standups earn their keep and keep their status. Like yours, you're great and you work really hard to get there. And you're never going to be bad. You're great. And but I feel like movie stars or movie people like you're great. And they can just have it all taken away at any minute.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You see it all the time. See it all the time. There's just so many people that you're like, Oh, what happened to him? Yeah. And why is it? Why does that happen? Like it's just flavor of the month. I feel like with movies, here's the deal. Like with standup, you being good at it for a while, you know, it validates you and in the long run, it ends up meaning you can sell tickets, right? So then you can sell tickets, people come see you, you make money, that's the business side of it, tied into it. In movies, if you make great movies, you sell movie theater tickets, you get your, you're validated that way. And that's, that's how movie scale is basically based for stars. Like this guy, people go see this guy's movies,

we're going to pay him this much money. You have like a bad movie. And they're like, you know, where people don't come and see it. And they're like, we don't care how good of an actor you are now. Like, yeah, people didn't come to your movie. So you suck now. And like, we don't want you to be in the next movie, right? Well, you know, and directors, holy shit, directors, like, they can be directing, making, and then, you know, they get bigger budgets, bigger budgets, you lose money for a studio now. And they're like, uh-uh, motherfucker, like you can go make an indie if you want. Like, it's also a smoke and mirrors to like the way they cut a trailer, the way they, they make things look like there's a new show coming out on FX that looks really good.

And it's about a guy who has an open relationship with his wife. And so, but they don't, they don't put that in the trailer. They cut it, they like cut it a different way where it's like, what's it called? It's called married. Wait, we saw the trailer and we thought that show was stupid as shit, but that sounds like an interesting show. No, no, I read the script and I, and I read for it. And, and the guy who made it is a really, really great filmmaker. His name is Andrew Gerland, and he made, um, he made a film. I can't remember the name of it right now, but it's, it's an amazing document. It's a, it's a mockumentary, but you watch it and you think it's real. You don't find out until the end. Anyway, but, um, yeah, just the way they cut things and the way that they,

they take, I don't think that trailer is well done. No, no, because, you know, FX wanted to like, didn't want to scare the women away. I'm sure. Oh, I think women would love to see that. Do you think so? I would. I'd be so interested. Like, why do they watch Sister Wives? You're not a, you're not a woman. Wait, wait, but, but why did they watch Sister Wives? That, that polygamy shit? The women are, the women are in power there. They, they've decided to do that themselves. I, I won't, I don't know. I don't know. That's very, uh, it's a very interesting idea. But anyway, or the way they trade on like hot names, like I hate the way they do that, like take the hottest, like it's just gross. It's like, shake, chill and all. And, uh, you know, so

I bet when they mislead you with, uh, like, uh, in Godzilla, you see Brian Cranston and you're like, oh fuck, Brian Cranston is the man. He's in 15 fucking minutes of the movie. Exactly. Perfect point. Perfect point. And then the movie, we were like, I mean, you're not obviously going to see Godzilla just for Brian, but you're like, Oh, that's the guy at least that I'll know in the movie, right? That's the star. I heard Godzilla was pretty good though. It's an entertaining flavor. I mean, it's completely out of this world. But that's, that's, that's part of it. Like that was always my thing. I always wanted to do that. But then when I look at standups, I'm like, I wish I could do that. But then I'm like, how dude, how did this come about

making this movie? I, okay. So I, I was like plugging away and I was like, just kind of like, all right. I knew what I wanted to do like 10 years ago. I was like, I wanted to do like Curb. I wanted to be in it and write it and direct it. So then I made like a one-win one-man show and I tried to, and I sold it to CBS and then I sold it to Fox and then it would never go. It would never, it was just always like, no, no, no. And I would be paid. And then, and then I, you know, I just kept watching like my, you know, my idols are like the people that are now people are like, well, who's your idol? People like Bill Murray, Groucho Marx. Like my idols are like Louie and like Judd Apatow and Lena Dunham. And I don't, I guess that's weird to say, but I would just like

watch them. And I'm like, I watched Lena Dunham's movie and like, oh, she just, she just went and made that at 22 years old. Like she just, she made that movie Tiny Furniture. I thought was so good. And then I heard the story about Louie. It was like, FX was like, well, he's like, well, I'll do it, but you can't tell me what to do. And that's the story that you're like, when I heard that, I was like, that's what I'm going to do. And I would tell my manager and he would be like, well, you're not Louie. You can't do that. And I'd be like, I, that's the only way that I'm going to do it. That's the only way because people will just knock me down otherwise. Because I get, I get weird in front of people. If someone tells me I'm bad, I'm like, okay,

yeah, I'm bad. And I walk away, you know, looks with Marlon. And so, which I love, I really love Marlon, by the way, and I'm very grateful. He has very complicated handshakes though. I will say that. He smells amazing. He does smell good. They all do. He would come in like four times a day. And you'd be like, oh, here we go. I do like Marlon. I like the way they're surprisingly normal for as famous family as they are. Okay. Guys, they're, they're, they're amazing. You look at them, you're like, were they conceived or did they come from space? You know, like, is there a mom behind, because you look at Damon Wayans Jr. and you're like, he's so cute. He looks like Damon Wayans.

He looks exactly like Damon Wayans, right? I don't know. So, okay. Okay. What I loved about you, what I loved about Jason on the show, on our show, is like the way, and I think you're, I'm assuming your movie has, is akin to this, but like the way that you talk about like marriage and, and having kids and stuff. It's exactly kind of how I picture it. Like I am terrified of becoming. It's awful. Yeah. It's awful. It's the worst thing. It's the worst. It's so every minute you're like, oh God, what did I sign up for? Why did I do this? Why did I do this? Right. And that's kind of why I, you know, I've been reticent. I didn't get married until I was 32 when we still don't have children because I, I, that's my nightmare. That's why I see it therapist. Yeah.

You know how you like go, you're at the show after the show and you had a good show and you travel to Vancouver or real international city where they have oysters and the hotel's probably pretty nice and you got plenty of money to take a cab home and the next morning you'll sleep late and then you and Tom will go get an omelet, maybe egg white with spinach and the waitress will come over and say, I'm more coffee and you'll go, you know what? Yes, Tom, more coffee. Tom, would you like more coffee? I would, Christina. And then after you're done with breakfast, you just walk the city. You walk it for six miles and now you're walking off breakfast. So you don't feel fat anymore. You feel pretty good and the sun's coming down and a sea plane is coming in and it's landing.

I've been to Vancouver. That feeling is just gone. And I don't think that's for every parent, but I know for me it's gone. It's just gone. Cause when you are in Vancouver, when I was in Vancouver and I had that moment, I was like, Oh shit. Oh shit. What's he doing now? He's gonna, he's gonna kill himself for, there's just no rest. And it's self-imposed a lot of the times where you're like, you're sitting there. My father did nothing with me growing up. So like, when I sit around and I see the kids watching TV, I'm like, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get them somewhere, gotta do something, get them to a museum. And so that's just, it's, it's a self-perpetuating thing. And where did you grow up? I grew up in Boston. My father was super macho. My mother was

super Jewish. And my father was not Jewish, my father. And so we just, it was just this like, he's like a tough guy. Oh, so tough. Really? Oh my God. He'd kill you. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fights. Wow. Had a base, we used to carry a baseball bat in the car in case someone cut him off. Still does. Oh no, really? He once told me, he once told me, he goes, he goes, this was, this was when I was an adult. This was like five, 10 years ago. He goes, he goes, yeah, I was in St. Martin, you know, over the break, over, you know, we went down to St. Martin and we were walking at night and they said, oh boy, don't go down that road. Don't walk down that area town because that's kind of dicey. And, you know, and I said to him, you know what I did? I walked down it anyway.

I walked down it by myself. I go, really? They told you not to walk in that area. And he goes, I didn't care. He goes, I'd rather go out in a ball of flames. Jesus Christ. He's super tough. He's super, he's nice too, but he does have, and so anyway, so that was my childhood. And I don't know how we got to that point about my dad, but yeah, so that's, I got lost my train of thought. Oh, so parenting now. So now you had this dad, what was he like as a parent? Oh, it's terrible. It's never around. And when he, he was the kind of dad you're like, he's like, I'm not going to be able to make it to the game. You're like, oh, great. Thank God. My mother's like, we're getting a divorce. I'm so sorry. I'm like, oh,

fantastic. Less of him. It was great. And so, you know, and you just constantly trying to placate him and make things all right for him and, you know, putting on a smile. I did that with my mother. Always trying to quiet the beast so that the beast doesn't rage at you. Yeah. Oh, always, always. I mean, I used to, I used to, I used to do this bit where I would talk to him like an adult. I literally would like, like, oh, and how are you today? You know, like, and just, just insane, insanity. So now that I have kids, it's just, you know, I just can't, you just can't join anything. Now that said, I do like, oh, here's something. You go out with your wife and you're like, all right. So you get like a few hours out and you see the same goddamn people

that you always see. And then you come paying the sitter, the process of paying the sitter. You're like, I'm like, I've got to pay the sitter. I've got to get the sitter out. And that that's just like, even that is too much. Like, I don't want to, you don't even want to go out. And it's just, yeah, you know, I just, I miss, I miss just being able to do whatever I want. Does your wife share the same sentiments? Oh, yeah, she hates it. She hates it, but she has no problem. She has no problem cutting it off. She has no problem being like, I'm going out. And, and so the kids are like, where's mom? Where's mommy? My wife works a lot too. So she's owed that, I think. She has like a real job. And so, but she has no problem cutting off. Whereas

I'm like, like, I'm guilty. I'm here right now. I'm like, oh, am I going to be home in time? I'm trying to shed it, you know, and then that's caused something else, which is my kids are attached to me and real, real pussies. I mean, awful, awful children. I mean, though they're wonderful kids. Right, right. I mean, the only thing I like about it is it's, it gave, it's given me a whole other thing to write about and point of view. How old are they? They're eight and five, and they're lovely children. I mean, they're just sweet as pie and, and they're so sweet, but they, they just come at you and then, and, and they just get inside your thoughts and do you already fantasize about them being moving away and like not needing as much?

I do all the time and people say that to me all the time. They go, well, enjoy it now. I know you're complaining, but enjoy it now because it's all going to be gone. I can't wait. I can't wait for it to all be gone. Or you can't, and it won't be gone. It won't be. They'll still be there. They'll still be like, can I borrow this? Can I? Yeah, I really am looking forward. Even the baby stage, isn't this great? No, I hate babies. Like now that they're older, it's much better. Like, hey babies. You know, it's funny. My father, we were just talking about this, Tommy and I, how my father really, I don't, he just, he kind of, I think at times got worn down too. And I heard the phrase, go play on the freeway more times than I cared as a child.

Like a lot of it was like, oh, you're still here. Like I felt that way constantly as a kid. Like, our parent, my parents were just hassled by us. So I mean, look, and I understand it sucks for you now, but just know that you're, you're being the better parent than what you got. And that's going to matter. Like that's going to be great. I hope so. Thank you for saying that. Yeah, you're doing it right kid. I'm trying. It's painful. I took them to the Getty today. My wife and I took them and I did have that thought. That sounds bad. I did have that thought. I'm like, he looked over, he was so happy that the both of us were there. And I was like, all right, well, hopefully this will do something for him and not make him a murderer. Because that's really all you have to do

for kids or comics. Just make them not murderers basically. Yeah, just be there. Yeah, just be there. Because the kids that are bad, the parents aren't around. Yeah, that's just every, I see it all the time. I see it all the time. The ones that parents are around. So that's, you guys shouldn't, if you guys are going to have kids, you don't have to worry about screwing them up or anything. You just have to give a shitload of time. Yeah. Oh God. Wait, so I want to talk about the movie more. Your wife is played by, how do I say her name? It's Busy Phillips. Busy? I was wondering. Why are they wacky named Busy Phillips? Why do you think they call that? I don't know why they call that. Her parents are not like fancy people. I've met them. They live in Arizona.

They're from Arizona. They're lovely, like regular people. She just ended up, you know, she's just really gorgeous and, you know, was perfect for acting. Yeah, she's just comedic chops and she's pretty. Check out the rest of this, though. Busy Phillips, Andy Richter, Rob Cordry, Nick Swartzen, David Keckner, Andy Daly, Casey Wilson, T.J. Miller, Pat Nozwald, Paul Scheer, Paul F. Tompkins, H. John Benjamin, Matt Walsh, and your mom's house own Mary Lynn Rice Cup. Oh, Mary Lynn's in it. She's great. We flame her. She's really funny. That's a crazy cast, dude. It's a major. Yeah, I just, that's all I knew how to do. I was like, I can, I can call these people up and that's it. Major. I'd seen a lot of movies. I'd seen people

who had made a lot of movies and I noticed that the problem, even the really good ones that my friends had made, there was no one in it that people recognized. You gotta have recognition. And that seems to be it. I would not. That would be my number one thing to say if you're gonna make a movie, make sure. It's why people watch movies. That's the whole thing is here's who's in it. Yeah, that's it. I would say that would be the main thing, but so you did an incredible job with that. Thank you. I, you know, I know how to finagle people. So then you wrote out this script. You had the parts and you just started calling. Hey, do you play this part? I just started calling. Like I called, like Matt Walsh plays a, like a messed up comic who's a drug dealer or not a drug

dealer. He was a drug addict, but very famous. And that was supposed to be Andy Dick and he didn't show up. And then I, and then I was like, I was like, Oh, I know Matt Walsh. She was like, way funnier and way more reliable. And I said, Oh, will you come do this? And he said, Yeah. And he's going through something right now. No, because he didn't, he showed up on the show. Yeah. When I probably shouldn't talk about that. But yes. Yes. Well, why not? Well, I don't know what they're going to, is he really living in by the Chick-fil-A? Did you tell me that? Or did someone else tell me that? I said that he looked as though he had been pulled out of a dumpster. It was like bad. Well, someone told me, he's not doing well on the P, I was talking on the,

I was talking to one of the PAs and they had to pick him up and they picked him up with the Chick-fil-A. And they said, and they said, they said, are you living at the Chick-fil-A? He goes, no, I'm living next door at this abandoned business on my Hollywood and Highland. That's what they said. He's sad. That's sad. It's so sad because he's so funny. I've had some long conversations with him when I thought he was out of that. Yeah. Well, I guess I was fooled. You go in and out. I guess you go out and you come back in. I really did try to like, I really did circle right into it one night. Like, I was like, so what is it? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why is it? I don't know. I don't know. I just, I just like it. I just like to drink. And I'm like, but why? Why? What is the alcohol do for you? Are

you, is it because you're adopted? Is it because your parents? You don't know who they are? No, no, I had great parents. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. No addict is like, everything's great. I've seen him on celebrity rehab. Yeah. Oh, what did he say on there? I can't remember now. It was so long, it was a long go, but yeah, the guys got problems. Everybody. I feel for him. I was like, crushes my spirit. It's a bummer. Can I tell you my fear about children and just the woman I might become? I, God damn it. I fear so much being the mom. You know what I mean? Like that woman that happens to a lot of women in your 30s. You pump out the kid and now you're just joyless. Like you're a fucking lame and everything's like, you're like a kindergarten teacher. You get momified. Yeah. Yeah.

And you're sexless and you cut your hair and now it's all about wearing comfortable stuff and you're just miserable. Like you just shut down. It's like wearing those crutches on your arms for the rest of your life. What? It's like that. Like, you know those crutches where people have to walk? Like those arm crutches. Oh, yeah. It's like we have a pair of those. Like you're just, you're there, but you're not fully there. Well, I just, I fear that I become the dictator because I think a lot of women feel the pressure to like, I'm keeping this thing alive. Like, and I understand the pressure of having to keep somebody alive. I don't actually understand it yet, but like, and I think that just wears women down and it changes them into moms, into mommies, into like

these dictators. Yeah. Yeah. It's number one priority. Keep that kid alive. Keep the kid alive. Number one, even as I sit here at this lovely podcast. You're worried. Number one thing. Number one. Yeah. It's awful. It's always on your mind. It's a noose. Yeah. Yeah. It's a noose. You know, I don't know what to say about it. And the thing that's really hard is that other people seem to be enjoying it. You know, like you're over, people are like, I literally have seen like, isn't like we're all sitting around on the cul-de-sac like, isn't this the best? Really? Isn't this everything? Everything's right here. And you're like, but you bite your tongue then? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. With most people, I go, it's great.

With most people. And I don't think, I guess it's like, you know, you have, you have your stand-up and you have your stand-up and I, I sort of have some stand-up and I have like millions and millions of things that I want to do and ideas and I want to make another movie and I want to write the stories and, and those people don't have that. Yeah. So that's what they have. They have children and, and I get it. But there's a lot of things in life that I miss that like, like, do you like sports? Yeah. Yeah. I can't, I wish, all my friends like, so I wish I could like sport. It looks like a lot of fun. Yeah. Well, it just doesn't speak to you. No, wings. Right. You know, and it, but I know, I miss it. I can never get into it. And how awful are other

parents? Because I take Theo to the dog park and I fucking hate the other dog moms. Like, they're just so, people just don't school their dogs right? Like, we were at the dog park and someone lets- Shouldn't we revisit our opening clip now that you said that? Yeah. Yeah. What was that? That was great. This guy made this video as he's walking his dog. Here's the full clip. Where'd you find it? People send this to us. People send this to us. People send this to us. If you see somebody walking down the street with their dog and the dog is being good at it, Theo, don't whistle to it. Don't say a fucking thing. Never indicate to the dog anything. The dog is being good. If you like, encourage the dog to come over and pet you, or be petted by you, and it's on a

leash, the owner is going to have to correct the dog. You're getting the dog in trouble, you dick. Don't whistle to the dog. Don't distract the dog. The dog's being good. See? He's at heel. Now, this is my dog and he'll ignore the shit out of you, but someone else's dog, you know, that's the point. You're getting the dog in trouble. And if you see a dog that's tied up outside a store like this, right, you should leave the dog alone. You know, the dog's being good. So if you walk up to the dog and the dog gets excited and jumps on you, and you start petting it, you're training the dog to jump on people. So you're a dick. Leave everybody's dogs alone. Did you get it, asshole? It's not your fucking dog. Go get your own fucking dog. Don't interact with

other people's dogs. It's not yours. It's not your property. And if you get bitten, you dumb fuck. If you get bit, it's a mark against the dog, because you're a dumb shit. Leave everybody's dogs alone. No whistling. No trying to interact with them. It's not your dog, dummy. That's awesome. I agree. I don't like it when I'm at the dog park and the other dog moms are petting my dog. You know what I mean? Like, don't fucking touch my dog. I didn't say you could touch my fucking dog. Yeah, I don't do that. I don't touch other people's dogs. Really? Don't let the big dogs into the small dog side. That actually pisses me off way more than petting. Yeah. I don't like that at all. So fucking inconsiderate. But I think it's actually way more

rude to whistle and call over. Like, remember we were in South Africa? Yeah, it is rude. And there was a guy, he had his dog look like a fucking bear. And then people were like whistling. So rude. And he was like, he was like, he goes, how about I let him off the leash? You could whistle like that again. And we'll see how that turns out for you. And I was like, God damn right, dude, because people were like. Was like a rat wild or something? No, this, it was a breed of dog I had never seen before. And actually, they were doing fake barks to it. They were like, you want to fucking see how he barks? And they were like, ah, no, no. And they're like, he's like, probably don't do that again. But it was great. I was like, yeah, dude, tell this dog looked

like a fucking tank. It was really enormous, enormous and just built. And like you could tell this dog fucked people up. Yeah, why people do I notice when Theo is on the leash and they go, whoa, they're whistling him like, come here. And you're like, he's on a leash. He's not going to come to you asshole. Yeah, we just got a dog. What'd you get? We got our golden retriever, like our beloved golden retriever that we had before kids that was like magical. He died. And then my wife really want another dog. And I didn't want one. I was like, I don't want another dog. I just don't want more living, more stuff to worry about. And so we got one, of course, because she rules everything. And, and, and the dog is just all over. He's just, it's really.

Is it another golden retriever? Yeah, he's cute. He's floppy. But when you have kids, you're just like, what? You got to deal with this now? Another thing? Yeah, another thing that I got to worry about. To keep alive? Yeah. Do you, what would be the dream life for you? I would, I would like move to like Santa Barbara or Laguna and, and just like make, make movies. That would be it. And just, you know, write, live alone, make a movie a year, which I could never do. I would never, ever be that prolific. But when I hear that Woody Allen makes one a year, I'm like, wow. They're not all good. They're not all winners. They shouldn't do it. Really good. You know what I haven't seen? I haven't seen. They're not all good. Not all winners.

I saw the, the, what's the one, the one in France? You know what I mean? We're like, yeah, dead writers. That one was that one Wilson. Yeah, I saw that one. Midnight in Paris. Midnight in Paris. I haven't seen the one that, that came out last. What's it called? Fuck. You know, with, uh, you know, blue jasmine is so good. It's so good. Cape Blanchett, man. Oh, and it's got Andrew Dice Clay and Louis. It's like really good. Louis is really good. Yeah. I mean, do you guys think that he's like a pervert, an awful person? I gotta tell you something. I used to like Woody Allen a lot. And then there's a certain narrative that's in all of his movies that really grinds me down, which is redemption found through young pussy. I feel like that's

always the underlying theme is like, if you can just fuck somebody who's 20, all your problems stop. I got no beef with it at all. How dare you? That seems to be a big theme too. That's Steve Martin's fucking narrative too. Steve Martin. Yeah. Well, like if you, anything that he writes LA story, does he have young pussy? He has to have a new baby, I think. He's married. That seems to be a big discussion. Like when I go out with my wife and her friends and it's like the women talk the whole time and the guys are just sort of, the guys aren't like me. They're just sort of happy to not say anything. They're just so content that like, like, they don't even want to do anything. Like I said to them, the guys in the cul-de-sac, I was like, you want to come

over and watch Louis tonight with me? They're like, not really. And then my, my, my show's tremendous. This season is the best. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. And it's as he took his time to make it. He took a year off and it's like, it's, it's one of the best shows I've ever seen. It's so good. It's going to change the way, it'll change what you see on TV in the next couple of years. That's how good it is. Yeah. It's wonderful. It's human. It's, it's real it doesn't have to have a punchline every two seconds. There's no laugh tracks. There's no bullshit. I don't even know how they can keep making the three camera sitcoms with the same, like the same jokes and the same characters, just like replaced actor. You're like, who watches this?

Why do they like this? Why, why do they like this? It's what makes money. Yeah. But they, they make money because a lot of people like it. Big bang. It's crazy. You know, because I, I guess when you come home from work, when you have a job you hate, you really just don't, don't want to just engage with anything or anybody. I guess I want to eat a bullet if I came home and like from a right job, but I'm saying if I came home from like, uh, like a hardworking office job and then my release was like a fucking CBS sitcom. Yeah. You'd find me swinging from this thing right here. The middle. Oh my God. Oh man. Tough day in the office. Let me sit down with the middle. Unbelievable. Well, you know what? We're, we're people's end of the day thing. There's this show.

This is quality. And this is so much better than quality. This is better than. This is so much better than. This is at work. Yeah. This is the best. It is for a lot of people. This is the graphic designer. Like, it's the best. Muffin to the left. Coffee to the right. You in their ears. That's what they do. I know. That's right. Um, hey, jeans, can we do the dental update? When you say it like that. He's so nimble at the board. What? I mean, is that, if that doesn't turn you on, I don't know what would. What, what way did I say it, Tom? You requested the dental. I would play it without you saying it. That's how a dental update works better. But you said before the show that you

had a major dental update. Major. What is it? I'm really curious to know. Major. I mean, this is like. Then we'll get into your, don't think you're getting out of this. We're going to talk about your teeth. So I get a text message from my best friend, Shauna. Do I've had, we've been BFFs since 14 years old. I'm just going to read you the text and see how you feel. I'm not sure you know this, but I haven't been to a dentist in over 11 years. Wait, what? Shawnee? My best friend in the whole world has never been to a dentist in 11 years. I feel like I don't even know her. I don't even know you anymore, Shauna. Should we just shut this shit down? She live in a trailer park?

No. She's an artist in New York. Oh, there you go. Like, she's no health insurance. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, Shawnee. I love you. She's my best man at my wedding. She was your best man. My best man at my wedding doesn't go to a dentist anyway. She's your best man? Was she a lesbian? No, she's straight. She goes, I've been a dentist 11 years, went today, was terrified. She writes, my fiefs are in good shape. Even my molar that had been broken for a while and has been hurting. She was like, yeah, you should maybe get an overlay, but it's not urgent. Amazing. Also, a little recession of gums. I need a mouth guard because I clench at night 11 years.

And that's it? And that's it. She did good. That's really good. Saved a bundle of money. No cavities. No cavities. No. That's incredible. They did a deep cleaning, and it wasn't as painful as she expected. She must have done great maintenance. No, no. Just genetic, you think? Some teeth are, if you have soft teeth, you're more prone to cavities because I don't brush at all and I never had a cavity. You don't brush your teeth? I mean, I do, but I had a good period of 11 years where I didn't. Are you being serious? Wait, let's see that. Let's see that smile. You got it. You got nice teeth. You look great choppers. I lucked out. Dude, you got a gray head of hair.

That is beautiful. That's fucking crazy. That's all I got. Good genes, Nash. So wait, the teeth, you weren't like a daily brush for a while? I have a couple of friends like this. I think through like college and like my 20s, I was pretty lax about everything. Really? No doctors, just kind of bohemian. I live with like six guys in New York and like a two bedroom apartment. Wow. You know what, though? We were just telling our time out of this today how like that's how you live a long time. You understand? Like these people are like, I don't use a microwave. Those are people that die of cancer. You know who lives forever? People like my dad.

Drinking, eating Colbas, sausage. That's true. That's how you live. Is he smoked? No, that's good. My friend's granddad died at 96, eight, red meat, like five days a week. Drank whiskey, beer, wine, smoked cigars, just fucking, you know, I think it's... Can I tell you Shauna's theory on why her teeth work out? You need to fucking brush your teeth, Shauna. Look at your life. No, she says she flosses and brushes well and she's always had this theory that because her teeth are yellow in color, that they're strong. I swear to God, since we were young, they're yellow, but they're strong.

Oh, maybe. I'm glad that her foofies are okay. I'm so proud of you, Shauna. Good for you, buddy. Good for you. I love you. Go to the dentist more, you dirt ass. I have to wear an apnea mouth guard at night. You do? Yeah. You have sleep apnea? Oh, yeah. It's awful. Wait, do you wear a mouth guard or do you wear a CPAP like the machine? I had the CPAP for a while. Didn't work. I was ripping it off at night. The kids were scared. It's total Darth Vader stuff. And then I got the mouth guard, which sort of works. I still have to like sleep on my stomach and then it's a whole thing. I might get an operation.

Really? Is it a standard mouth guard that keeps your lower jaw forward? It's one piece here and then one piece here and then it locks in and you take a key. So it pushes your jaw forward. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have it? I have a verge. I don't have that one with a key. I have one. And then you lose the key. Do you have a key for this? That sounds really advanced. Mine, which they gave me, they were like, there were different tiers that they offered me. You know, it was just for snoring. It looks just like a mouth guard when you play football with, but it has these bands that have different strength. So in other words, the stronger the

band the shorter it is, meaning that the lower jaw is not going to move at all. If it has a longer band, there's a little bit of movement. So I've been, I started with like a loose band and like first night she was like, that didn't work at all. So I kept switching and now I'm at one where you said I'm like pretty quiet. Here's the new issue is that you don't snore, but you hum. How's that a problem? How is that a problem? And then Jason, she's just thinking about you. Yeah, it's me that's so lovely. Sure. That's the same. That's the noise that you make after you fart. You go. No, you do. You're doing a lot of Adam Sandler stuff today. Me? Yeah.

Guys, he's the funniest, quiet. Are you going to be like him? Are you going to, I hope you make millions of dollars and you put me in the movie. If I make money, I'm going to put you in the movies. I'm in your next film. Okay. What's the part? What do you want to play? I'm going to play in a bitch. I'm very sarcastic. I can fart like a champ. I would probably cast you. I'm busy fill ups guys. I'm just like her. Do you, I got some audio for you. You want to hear some funny audio? Hell yeah. So you remember the Ugandan head of the Anti-Homosexuality Commission? Yeah. This guy. Here's just a reminder of what he's like and then I'll, I got a song. Good morning, everyone. My name is Pastor Dr. Martin Semper. I'm here in the capacity as the

chairman of the National Task Force against homosexuality in Uganda. Oh God. We are making legislation. He's a super cool guy. To make sure that Sonomaean homosexuality never sees the light of legality in this land of the pearl of Africa. I've taken time to do a little research to know what homosexuals do in the privacy of their bedroom. One of the things they do is called anal leaking where a man's anus is leaked like this by the other person. Like ice cream. And then what happens? Even poo poo comes out. The other poo poo is out and then they eat the poo poo. So that's him. We have a remix song version. Oh, great. That guy is amazing. Yeah, that's what we see. He's the minister of anti-homosexuality.

Yeah, it's like this made up. Basically, they made- He doesn't have a government position, does he? I think so. Oh, he does. Yeah, I think so. And homosexuality is illegal and they're like, it's pretty crazy. Is that because everyone's dying that they are like, does that part of the reason why they're against it? Or because they're like, they're not procreating? I wish I knew more about it. I know that the speech that he gives is just, it is bananas, man. You can just tell that it's actually, I was talking to a friend of mine about it how you see, if you watch it now, you're like, oh, this is, it just reminds you of something like, I don't know, 70 years old. Yeah. When they would say like, if you smoke marijuana and a

Mexican will stab your wife and like, that's like, reefer madness. And you're like, oh, this is just like, this is how the propaganda, the people that don't know it, that have no access. It's exactly what he's doing. He's going to people that like, they don't have access to any information. He's the Tom Likeus of Uganda. Oh, how much do you miss Tom Likeus? 1,800 below me on Tom. Here you go. They, yeah, the guy's, he's a huge fucking. Wait, I'm sorry. You guys know any gay people? My sister's gay. I'm sorry. Don't say that. Does she live in Uganda? She's the best. She's in Uganda, unfortunately. Yes. That's too bad. She does not wear a top or a bra. Nice.

And her boobs go down to her belly. Hey, that's what I was wondering. It's not fair. We were at the beach and like dudes get to wear their shirts off. The only difference between me and dudes, I got more fat in my titties. It's not fair. Only only then some though, you can wear your shirt off. You can go shirtless in LA. Can't you? I'd like to. I mean, will they write you a ticket? Yeah. I have this really groovy friend. His name is Haj. He talks like this and he's like really groovy and slow. And I remember I took him to, he came out to LA and I took him to zoom the beach and these two cute girls took their tops off. And we were like, oh, go, you know, all right, go, whatever. We weren't even looking or anything. And then this guy came over just this random dude

and he's like, you've got to put your tops on. Oh, come on. And he, my friend Haj got so upset. He's like, you know, just the most peaceful dude suddenly got so upset. And then never forget it. This is not a great story. But he was like, no, you freaking boo police. I mean, come on, man. I can't believe you did that. I'm like, all right, Haj, take it easy. Hey, man. Hey, man. They want to take the shirts off the can. Yeah. I feel, I feel rage for, for that guy too, man. You do? Yeah. Because it's like getting, I don't like someone getting into someone else's business. Yeah. That's fucking stupid. Why are you bothering people? Yeah. Yeah. You're right. That bothers me too. Just for some chest beefers. Yeah. Fucking sloppers hanging around. I love lesbians so much.

What kind of a lesbian is she and where does she live? She is a crunchy New England led indigo girls kind of lesbian. I love it. She plays softball. She's fantastic at it. Nice. She's a computer programmer. She has five dogs and she's married and she's super sweet. She's a way better person than me. And what else? And she, she had a really, really rough childhood that I watched that I, that I realized that I like relive even though it wasn't me. You know what I mean? So I'm like, oh God, I always feel guilty. Like I had it so easy. What is she, same parents you guys had? Yeah. Yeah. Same parents. And, and so, you know, but she's, she's good. Can you believe like gay people used to like not be able to be gay like in our lifetime? It sounds, it's crazy.

It's crazy. It's so crazy. It's sad still. We actually, like it's going to be, it's weird for like, I feel like the same way that people that live through certain eras, you're like, wow, you were, you lived through that era of change. It's, you know, like you look back on it. Yeah. We live basically through the era of like, you know, getting a lot more civil rights for gay people and like, and like the transition of it being like something that is either not talked about or made fun of to like, why are we, why are people being assholes to this whole segment of our population? Yeah. That happened like in our lifetime. My sister used to have to go to a separate water fountain. What did it say? Did it just say? It said Annie DeFranco. Oh, I love

anything. Well, Europe still, I mean, Hungary is pretty homophobic still. No, a lot of places still are obviously, but I'm saying, I feel like that, like that guy's as insane as that sounds, it's so much crazier to almost everybody now because of the world. Yeah, most developed places. Are you serious right now? But then don't you think, I think this is a great conversation for you too, because your stand-ups, but don't you think now it's, it's going like, it's kind of going too far in a lot of directions, like, because ONA talks about that all the time, like what you can't say and it's like, it's a steamroller now. And we had this conversation about the word fag, and how bummed I am, which I don't say it anymore after I heard Todd Glass. Yeah, I listened that

too. Because I love Todd Glass. And the way you explained it, I was like, okay. You don't say fag or gay. He said, he said, don't say things are gay that you think are. Yeah, I'm sorry. Gay. That's right. I don't say the word gay. Like, oh, that's gay. You don't say that. No, I don't say that anymore. Because because the way Todd Glass explained it was like, oh, it's hurtful to you. I get, okay, I see why it's hurtful. It's, you know, and so then, but it's, it's weird that like, now Tranny's out. Gay is out. Tranny's out. Yeah. Tranny's out. Retarded is out. I said it, I said it in the show already. And as I said it, I was like, oh, God, I do not subscribe to that. You're okay with retarded. 100%. 100%. We say retarded. I say it to retarded people. You do. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know where it's, I think it's, here's the thing is that that is lip service to those groups. Okay. I think that, oh, nobody says fag. Nobody says retarded anymore. All that stuff is just, it's a bullshit bandaid. And people still have prejudice towards every group just because you're not saying it. But you know what those people really love? People love, they love to have like a position that they can be proud to really like go off on. Yeah, yeah. People love to be like, you know, you know what you're doing when you say retarded? And they love to put themselves on that pedestal, you know, on the, on the, on the stage and tell you that like what you're doing is wrong. And here's what you should, and they love the, and that

gives those people, yeah, they love to preach that. And like, I love to not let those people affect me. And I love to bark back at somebody who tells me like, you can't say that, you know, like, absolutely. Why are they the language police? Now, you're a fucking police. How I think about most awesome part about being a standup is that you can be like, I'm going to do 10 minutes about how much I love the word retarded, right? You know, like the most retarded is like a retarded person. They're the most retarded of all. Yeah, like things are retarded, but also the way your almond shaped eyes didn't really form or those are retarded too. Well, and also George Carlin had a great bit about it too, like shell shocked. We don't say

post traumatic stress disorder. But when you think of the word shell shocked, wow, that's a really good descriptor for what it is. It's violent. It's terrible. Cripple. You're not allowed to say shell shock anymore. It's politically correct. That's crazy. The military, you know, in the government, like the shell shock did have that impact. And then it was, there was something else, but between shell shock and, you know, there was war fatigue or something like, and then it now it's trickled down to PTSD and shell shock. These guys come back and because it's a, that is a great word for what it is. Vice did an amazing piece on it. Uh, this last week is I'm being shell shocked about how those,

the PTSD, like those guys are all like overly drugged and how, how like they're just, they're just being completely mistreated and, um, they're just being, being given like opiates and they're like, like the head of like the VA, like the pain police within there testify that she's like, I would never prescribe the amount of opiates we're doing. And then they fired her. They're just like, yeah, yeah. Like they're just, do you ever turn on vice and you see the preview and you're like, I have had a shitty day. I can't do it. It's a great show and I've enjoyed it, but sometimes I'm like, yeah, can't go to Rwanda. But that's when you, that's when you watch a big bang there. That's when I flip on big bang. One final word on this language thing though, there is a theory

in philosophy that says that language forms thought, right? Like semantics and semiotics and stuff. And that's why we change our language to change the dominant thought. But I don't think stopping people from saying the N word has necessarily curtailed racism, has it? I don't know if it really works. I wouldn't, and we were on the show and the N word was thrown around all the time every, every day. It made me uncomfortable. Yeah. I was like, I don't know why. I don't know what to say about it. It's odd to me. It's odd. It's, it's odd to me that I wish someone could explain it to me without me sounding like a jerk or, or, or it's odd to me that I understand you don't want the word, but would Todd, would Todd Glass run around saying the word fag? He wouldn't.

So why would you run around saying the N word? Yeah, I don't know. And I understand it's because of slavery, but I didn't, I didn't keep slaves. I'll tell you why. And neither did my father and neither did my grandfather. Right. And neither did my great grandfather. I think the theory behind that is that if you use the word and you co-opt it yourself, you take the power from it. For instance, women calling each other bitches and whores, right, takes away the thunder of it. Yeah, but it does it. You can't, you bitch. It doesn't. It, what it does is allow other people to use it actually more fearlessly. But here's my, I'm all for like, uh, you know, everybody, the, the, the human aspect of like rights for everybody. Yeah, of course. But the word police thing,

here's what kills me is like, for instance, let's say with the word gay, right? And when you say gay meaning lame, the way that words develop definition is a certain number of people, there's no specific number, but a number of people have to agree on the definition of that word. So if like tens of thousands or millions of people are agreeing that saying that's gay means that's lame, then that means that's lame. And even if it affects somebody else, I understand that they're like, yeah, but I hear gay and I'm hearing my sexuality and that affects me, like that makes me think that because I'm gay, I'm lame. I, I just logically in my mind see it as, yeah, but I, I can understand that some words have multiple definitions and that other people are

saying, Hey dude, that movie was gay and it has nothing to do with sex. It just means that like that movie was boring to me. Do I have to stop saying that's gay? I mean, like, it's not a word. I don't, I'm just using this as an example, but it's like, it's the same thing for retarded. Like, Hey man, let's go up to Van Nuys and then come back down to Hermosa. That's retarded. What the fuck? That's retarded. Why are we doing that? We've done the retards we offended. Retards will get offended. The only word that's okay is Jew. Everyone's, anyone say Jew?

Oh, you're a Jew? Yeah, we don't care. We had so many problems with the Holocaust. We're like, uh, Jew, Jew, call me Kike. Well, Pussy. Money lender. Who cares? But you know what, Jew, if you really throw, if you're like cool with throwing that around, I don't know if someone's going to say something to your face, but like, I think in the end you're doing yourself a huge dessert. Like that's going to come back to buy you if you're, if that's your word of choice to like to insult people with, you know, that's the

I mean, well, that's a weird word because you say you're like, you can Jews call each other Jews and Christina could say you're a Jew and I wouldn't take offense to it. But if you take your, if you take your tone in your voice the right way, you can make it awful. Jew. Yeah, you know, who uses that? It's so weird. I was surprised because I feel like maybe it's because we live here. I never hear like in my ears that use as an insult ever.

But then you talk to people and like, I heard it growing up a lot. Really? In Boston. Jew. But that's Boston. Yeah, I hear that. Don't you, you're going to Jew me down? Yeah.

That's what you used to say to me like. But I grew up in the valley with a lot of Jews, so we never had. We never, you never hear it. Yeah. We didn't have any Jews in my town. Yeah, that's why you heard Jew a lot. Yeah. I know.

But in the south, don't they hate Jews? I don't, I hate everybody that's not Southern. Yeah. Yeah, I don't remember. I never like in North Carolina when I, when I was in college. Yeah. I cannot remember one thing. I just, it doesn't pop about Jew.

Like nobody said Jew to anybody. No, no. Black shit, a thousand n-bombs a day. Really? Oh yeah. A hundred percent. Florida, get the fuck out of here. That was the first thing I heard when I went to high school, like day one.

Yeah. It was like, I was like. I was like, holy shit. Is Florida as messed up as they say? Yeah, definitely. Is it? Yeah. But I mean like the racial aspect of like the insult, like I moved from Milwaukee,

like, which is, you know, decent sized city. We did all over. I was in a big public school and never heard an n-bomb. Like seventh grade, eighth grade, ninth grade. Do you have stable parents and stuff? Yeah. You have brothers and sisters? Two sisters.

You do? Yeah. Yeah. The comedians? He's a great family. You do? No. They're not comedians, no.

No. But they, yeah. Is your dad funny? Yeah. Is your mom funny? My mom's, my mom's like legit funny. Yeah. My dad's like, do you hear the one about the guy?

That's good. That's what you, that's a good combination. Yeah, that's a good combination. Legit funny and joke writer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joke writer. He would love that. Wow, that's generous.

I haven't met him. Yeah. Speaking of, I got one last thing. We got another, the second submission of Al Sharpton, not being able to read the teleprompter. That's great. Which I fucking love these. He really struggles with some of these words.

It's fucking fantastic. And we will much about that be committed. So there's no real conflict. Michael Drew Niskey, Drew Neat, Drew Neat, putting Lincoln himself, Daniel Day's Lewis. Daniel's Day's Lewis. Go behind Monica, the one and only, Trey Song is here. Allison, Lundegren, Grimes, Gina Dayhouse Seuss.

When Gina Day just who's? Gina Day Jesus. Catrin's do the D-D-Beta Jones. How do you not, like, if I'm the guy, I would just do, like, every pre-show, you'd be like, how do I say this person's name? Right? Sure he does.

I'm sure they do. He brought in challenger Matt Biffett. People don't want to have their social security overall. The Republican savior, Mark Rubio's big night in evolution in Galileo, meaning this whole thing of Galeo. Galeo. America's changed, or changed, unless IT and skillets. That's supposed to be ice tea and skittles.

Ice tea and skillets. Tea and skillets. President Putin doing something similar back in, it won't. Similar. Similar, it's supposed to be. Similar. Change this fundamental fact about the GOP. Just how absurd these attacks is.

Nearly six months after the dangerous chapter jam engaged in the five militaries. The thigh military. Tye. He says thigh military. It's a broadcaster. He says, my friend, for many years, a young yo, a young up all that's on.

That's Yonla. Oh, Yonla. That's his friend of many years. Of many years. You think you know her fucking name? Holy shit. There's nothing there. That's great.

You guys have a big summer planned, huh? I'm sorry? You guys have a big summer planned, do we? Yeah, well. All those dates you listen on. That's just every day, buddy. That's fucking standard operating procedure, man. That's all year.

We just run. Does that just run you out of energy? Yep. Yes, sir. What do you do to maintain that? Do you like take herbs or? We smoke a lot of pot, drink a lot of wine. I mean, look at that.

Does that help? Yeah. It does? So we can pot. I go and, are you kidding me? So what does that do? It just, that just like erases the stress. Yeah, what it does.

That's how you're able to relax and go to sleep. The problems go away. Yeah, like you smoke a little weed, drink a little wine. You smoke after the show or before? After. After. I do my work and then I do that. You're after.

Post 100%. Yeah, I can't do it. I can't do anything high. I do like, a lot of times I don't do anything post show, but like, especially when I do like a full weekend of shows. Yeah. When I get to like, after that fifth show or something, I'm like, a couple of glasses of wine.

Yeah. Do you have it at the comedy club or back in your room? Like, I'll start like, everyone's gone. Like, you know, like the whole audience is left. Yeah. There's staffs like cleaning up. Hey, let me get a glass of wine or let me get a drink. You sit there and talk to the bartender.

Yeah, sometimes. Or just like the other kind, like, oh, fuck man. We said five shows. Like this is fucking killing. Like, but you know, the only thing to really remedy all that shit, man, is time off. Yeah. You have to.

Yeah. Until you'll do that in the fall, because like summer's a big time. Dude, I'm taking pretty much June off. I'm working on this true TV show. But by the way, congratulations, by the way, that is just huge. Can you believe this? You're sweet. No, he's on a two.

He got two. Oh, you're on a two. Congratulations. Yeah. Come on now. When you told me that, that made me so happy because we were in such shit. I know. And I was like, I was like, because then when you told me that,

I was like, oh, that'll make this worth it for her. I hope so, yeah. Because then it'll be like two things. And then, you know what I mean? I just want to be on television. It's good. It's a lot. It's really good.

Two things is really much better than one. I don't know why, but it's a real stamp. Like if people see you once, they'll forget about you. But if they see you twice in two different incarnations, they're like, oh. You know, I think I'm like you were. I just want to make my own shit now. Like after doing this TV show, I really realized like, oh, you can just write your own stuff and make it.

And that's really all I want. Like I love stand up. I it's my love, my love in life. But that is just you. But the thing is, is that the travel associated with stand up is crushing my spirit and it's ruining my health. Look how fat, I got fat in the last couple of years. Yeah.

We had a moment. We had a moment on the set. I didn't tell Tommy. You didn't tell? I didn't tell. But go ahead, tell the story. We're on the set. And I'm trying.

I was like, I weighed like 20 pounds more in January. You lost 20 pounds. Yeah. So I'm trying. I'm trying. You look great, man. Thanks, thanks. So she, she was, we were outside and we were all mad that we were there for

whatever reason. And like, and they put out the shitty lunch and Christina just skipped the lunch and just grabbed a cookie. And I said, I said, Hey, you're, you're a pretty girl. He did that to me. He gave me the, I put my arm around your, you're a pretty girl. You don't need that cookie. Nice.

Put it down. Yeah. And then that, that could have gone really bad. But that's how much I like you that I felt like, because you're amazing. You're, so you're, you're like, you're one of the most amazing people I've met because you're really funny. And I know a lot of people that are really funny, but you're actually, you actually have the flip side, which is like, you ask people about themselves

and you, you, you extend so much to people. Oh, I'll switch. So that, that, that just goes such a long way with me. So that, that made me feel really connected to you. And, and I was like, oh, I was like, I saw, I, because I would want something to do that for me. Well, and I have to say that that moment. I needed, I needed that my whole life.

Yeah. Yeah. And my wife does that to me. But I needed you. But I needed that and also to hear at a certain time. It's the timing and the person and the place and everything kind of, the stars aligned. It has to be aligned.

And I was like, you're right. I don't need this cookie. Because I do it too. Are you cookies when I'm depressed? Of course. I was depressed. Yeah. On that set, I was tired and you think this will make everything,

this will solve whatever is the whole. And then it just comes back. It would be fine if it was one cookie. That's fine. Because people go, oh, just have a cookie asshole. But it's not, it's not one cookie. For me, it's like, it's 10 cookies. It's a cookie and then like a cheeseburger and then pizza in one night.

The bang bang. And then the bang bang. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. We're out. We've been on a kick, like ever since. Tell me what you've been doing.

I love, this is my favorite conversation. Oh, Jason's great. He'll make a diet for you. I love it. I love to hear what you're doing. She texted me the other day. She said, just cardio by a text back. Now go take a strenuous walk at the end of the day.

Yeah. He's my diet. Two a days, Tom. That's how you take it off. I believe you. Two a days. I've been doing five days a week. I'm working out five days a week.

Yeah. Three days with like heavy weight resistance. So I got my kettle bells. I just ordered kettle bells. I just got, I'm getting an Olympic set now. So I got, I can do like power cleans, you know, squat. Like I'm doing the fucking the full. I'm going back to like hard, heavy olympic thing.

Hard fucking core. Hard fucking shrink that. And then I'm doing cardio. So I'm going to do, I'm going to do cardio as soon as we wrap up here. I'm going to be. You're going to go do it. I'm going to go do it. Yeah.

I'm going to go do it, man. Yeah. Absolutely. I'm going to, I'm not fucking around. Get that. Get, you know, get that hard fucking core. Sorry. Keep it greasy.

Get that. Get that heart rate up. Yeah. Oh man. But then on top of it, I know that I can't just do that. It's got to be food too. So I'm a big, I'm a big dude. I like to eat a lot, but I'm just trying to.

What'd you have today? Tell me what you ate today. I'll tell you the, I'll tell you. Okay. Here's what I've, I'll tell you exactly what I've eaten today. Okay. Go tell me. I got up, I had, I got up at 830.

I had a latte with almond milk. No, no, no, no. No good. He's on. You're already off. You're already done. Really? You're already done.

You're done for the day. Why? Wait, what would you have? I got to have something. The almond milk goes right to your. Really? Oh yeah. Fuck.

No lattes. What about soy milk? No. Espresso and soy milk? Get it out. Get it out. You can have a, get it. You can have espresso.

You can have coffee. A drop, like a little drop. So it's not black. Couple drop. A little more than a drop. But don't, don't these lattes that are white? No, no white. No white.

No white. No soy milk. No almond milk. It's this much espresso. It's this much soy milk. No, no, no. Get it out. All right.

Are you already lost? Keep going. All right. Then I had, I had the 0% fat faye Greek yogurt. Yeah. No good. Doesn't like yogurt. Get it out.

Get it out? Yeah. It's just fat, man. It's a 0%. It's not. It goes right to your stomach. And it creates like a situation where your stomach is expanding. What should Tommy?

Let's walk, walk Tom through it the whole day. Omelette in the morning. No, no cheese. I went to a meeting. I left the meeting. I went to the restaurant around the corner. How'd the meeting go? Went great.

Good. Chicken breast. Three eggs. With a chicken breast. How'd you have the eggs? Grandma? No. Basted.

Okay. So open. Yolks in there. Yolks. Yeah. Yeah. Good, good. Geet the yolks.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. And then. 01:17:29,680 --> 01:17:30,400 How much have the yolks? Fruit, good.

Water. Water. Good. I had some iced tea too. That's a negative water, right? Get it out. Get it. That's a negative water, right?

That's negative water. By what's wrong with iced tea? That was lunch. That's all I've eaten so far. That's all you've had today. Yeah. And I also had a quinoa. Something bar from Whole Foods.

What are you gonna have for dinner? That I don't know. Turkey burger. Okay, so I got a 99% fat free ground turkey from Trader Joe's. Good, good. We're gonna do turkey patties, ground turkey patties with some onion in there. Good.

Keep going. And then kale salad. I'm gonna make us a nice salad to go with it. What are you gonna have on the, gonna have bread with it? Here's what I do. No. Good.

Balsamic, balsamic vinegar, rice vinegar, and some olive oil on the kale. Okay. Is that okay? That's great. You know what I do? I buy lettuce. I buy iceberg lettuce.

Okay. And I make. Iceburg lettuce. It's not as delicious. It's not. I know it's not as delicious, but. And I make a sandwich out of lettuce. With the lettuce.

Oh, that's smart. Like animal style. Animal style. Yeah. It's very good. I like that idea. You feel great after. May I, may I pass this by you?

Good. I got those whole wheat pitas, the mini ones. Can we eat one of the, no. Get it out. No bread. No, no, no. Just kidding. When you begin, when you begin,

because what you want to do is you want to shrink your stomach. You want to get your stomach down to a place where you're like, oh, I don't want to eat. And if you don't have any carbs or sugar in there, you're not going to want it. You're just going to be like, I don't feel like it. So the goal is anorexia. I just, I don't.

Well, I'm just saying like, it's a constant thing. It's like that latte leads to more and more and more. He's right. It's just the only way to do it. What should I eat tomorrow? Tell me, take me through tomorrow. I'll tell you what to eat tomorrow. Wake up.

Wake up, do something. Stretch, take a walk. Go down to the store and get the paper, whatever you do. Cup of coffee. If you want coffee. No juice. No juice. We don't have juice in this house.

Fruit is okay. No melon. No melon. No melon. You're going to have strawberries. You can have a little mango. Okay. Egg white omelet.

It doesn't have to be egg white. It can just be egg. Sure. I like egg whites. Put spinach in there and mushrooms. The spinach and the mushrooms will fill you up and it's no calories. Okay. And that's eight o'clock. Then a little snack is good.

I like a little bit of handful of almonds. I get a cup like this and I put the almonds in there and I just kind of. One at a time. One every minute. Like just kind of grind. Do you do with something with your mouth? You're taking a little shaving off. Then for lunch, slice turkey.

Nothing else. No mustard. Just sliced. And an apple. Maybe some grapes. Whatever you can do. However hungry you are. Then a little snack for lunch.

Maybe you can have like a half a cup of coffee in the middle of the day if that'll get you through. And then for dinner. I have like gluten-free pasta and turkey meatballs. The turkey thing is great. It's a heavy dinner. It's a lot to load at night. I would have put that in the afternoon and then you can work out.

Yeah, you could do that if you want. If you're more like that. And then a ton of water. A ton of water. A ton of water. So gluten-free pasta but not much. Probably like half a cup of pasta. I have like a half a box.

What? But I work out. And Tom, you guys work out. So you're going to need to eat. Oh yeah, definitely. Well, maybe for dinner we could do. So what can I put pasta? Red sauce on the turkey meatballs?

You watch the salt and pepper. The salt is no good. The other thing that I like that I like to do and I told you this is just write out a list of stuff that you can eat. And that's it. So like on my list is like hummus and carrots. That's okay. So that's a good snack.

Nuts. That hummus and bell pepper the other day? Hummus and bell pepper is great. I did that. I'm trying to think like dates or figs are okay. You know, cut berries. I take for dessert, I take like some berries. I just put like a little equal on it sometimes.

Tea. You just, I don't know. It's just, it's hard. Tofu. I like tofu. Tofu's good. I don't like chicken breasts. Tofu's kind of like, tofu's kind of, I can't really process tofu that well.

I mean, everybody's different. Makes you shit. Yeah. It just kind of sits there. Oh, I liked it. Same with coffee. Coffee retains the water and you won't lose as much weight. Well, I shit a lot when I drink coffee.

I like soups too. I'm going to make my poop soup, which is a bunch of guys. Soup is great. Yeah. It's filling and it's just veggie. Makes you shit. Check this out though. Jason Nash is married.

It's available now. You can pre-order it on iTunes. It's going to be on the network. It's going to air. Yeah. It'll be on August or September. That's amazing. Yeah.

It's amazing. Congratulations. Thank you. It's a huge accomplishment. Thank you so much. People can follow you on Twitter at Jason Nash. Jason23nash, Instagram, Vine. Jason23nash.

Oh, fuck. We haven't even mentioned that Jason Nash is a huge Viner. Yeah, I didn't know about that. You told me about this. You're, I fucking didn't even mention this. You're huge on Vine. How many followers do you have right now? Oh, I don't know.

A whole lot. Millions. A lot. What is your Vine? Just Jason Nash. Jason Nash. I highly advise you check out his Vines. I love being a couple of them.

Oh yeah. We did a really funny one together. Twitter and all that. Twitter and all that. Yeah. Support Jason guys. Help good people. Make cool fit.

Yes. So we can make another movie. Yeah. You know what? Don't give it. Don't give your money these big, you know. Jonah Hill's got enough money. Put it that way.

He really does. Give it to Jason Nash for fuck's sake. There you go. There you go. I can't wait to see it. Me too. I'm excited. Thank you.

You can come to the premiere. It's the 25th. I already put you on the invite list. I don't have your email. But yes. You know me. Is it you plus one? Can't you bring a date?

Yeah. Yeah. No. You're in. All right. You're in, baby. I'm in. You're a real Jew.

We appreciate you coming. You're a real Jew. Yeah. You're the best. Can we keep it greasy one more time? Yeah. Why don't we go out? Can we go out on a greasy show?

Can we go out and keep it greasy? Oh, you want to? Okay. Okay. Yeah. I'm putting it in my calendar right now, Jason. You know what you say at the end of every podcast? What's that?

Was that okay? That's what everybody says when I used to. Oh. Was that okay? Oh, right. The guest. Was that okay? Did I do it?

Am I? You ready for this? I'm ready. I'm not. Oh, are you ready? You ready, Jeans? I want to hear it. We're going out.

Go. Greasy style. Love you guys. Thanks for listening. Love you. Bye. Fun fun fun fun fun fun. Then greasy fun fun fun.

Then greasy then greasy. Greasy. Greasy. Greasy. Greasy. 01:24:19,120 --> 01:24:19,120 01:24:25,120 --> 01:24:28,960 Fun fun fun fun.

Community. Pretty. Two Pigeons. Two, three, two, three, two, three, two, three, two, three, two three, two, three, two, three, two, three, two, three. Three, three, three, three, two, three, two, three.