Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Jeff Richards-244-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 1, 2014

Jeff Richards is a (Muscle) bitch! You'll get it soon enough. We have the former Mad TV and SNL star in the mommy dome.  This episode has it all: show biz stories, life lessons, spot on impressions and something we are now HUGE fans of - the MUSIC of Jeff Richards. We are hooked like we're wearing a new pair of jeans or something. Plus Dental News, breaking down 2 Live Crew (Tom's Beatles) lyrics, listener music and more. This is why we wear denim - episodes like this one.  

What was that? Huh? What was that? Come on, man. No. You gotta stop that shit. I just had fajitas. All right.

It's Friday. Friday. Friday. You like Fridays, buddy? They got the Jack Daniels steak and shrimp. I'm in Sacramento right now at the punchline. So please come out tonight and tomorrow. See me in Sacktown.

I have added a bunch of dates, all the tickets. You can find them to all my shows at TomSegura.com. Just to give you a quick rundown next week. It's Pittsburgh, then Columbus, then Philadelphia, Helium just got added. I'm very excited about that. And then Denver, the comedy works downtown. So some of the best clubs in the country.

I'm very excited to go and play them. Please come out if you're in any of those cities. And of course, September 18th, it's our only show in South Florida. Fort Lauderdale Improv, Thursday, September 18th. Christina and I together. That's what's up. Mommies, come check me out August 9th at the Ice House, Pasadena, California in the side room.

I'm doing 730 and 930. Very small for real mommies. Only buyer tickets now in advance because they will go. Also August 14th through 17th, Sunnyvale, California at Brewster T. Feathers. Oh, shit. What about you, mister? We have our very special guests in studio. We're going to get into a lot with him, but we'll tell you right now.

It's Mr. Jeff Richards. Jeff, is there anything you would like to plug? I'm going to be at the comedy store in the belly room every Sunday for the next two months. Ten o'clock show, private music show. Really? With other comics. One of the great underrated rooms, I think, in all of comedy. The belly?

I love the belly room. It's like one of the first rooms I ever did. It's literally the first room I ever did. You like doing it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's awesome. That tight, intimate feel. It's great.

So that's that. You know where to find us, yourmomshousepodcast.com. Jeans, where should they shop if they're going to make shopping? Guys, do you want to buy some new sandals? Jeff, do you wear sandals? I need to. Having some foot issues. There you go.

You know where you can go? Amazon.com. You can buy anything on Amazon. You can automate your life. You can have toilet paper sent to your house every three months so that you never have to leave your home again. But Jeff, we don't want you to go straight to Amazon.com. We want you to go to yourmomshousepodcast.com and click on the Amazon banner so that we get a little kickback. You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? Sure. Okay. You see what I'm saying? All right. And then you can buy sunblock, towels, chairs, hats, candles, soaps, snakes, underwear, border collies, those sandals you wanted, lamps, belts, hooks, buckles, farts, fart machines, everything.

Oh, that was a really interesting part. So that's that. Please go to yourmomshousepodcast.com. Okay. Okay. She ready. She ready. And then click on that banner.

Do your shopping. Jeans also. Get your social shirts. Get your FIFO shirts as well as our store. And the special completely normal is now out on DVD. If you go through our store, the first 50 are autographed. And far autographed. Far autographed.

Far autographed. You fart and then we seal the fart in with a special plastic sealant so that you get the smell. That's really, really a special treat. Okay. Are you ready to start the show? I'm so excited for this episode. We have the best guest.

Me too. We have a lot to cover. All right. Here we go. Mr. Jeff Richards is here. Let's fucking do this. I fucked the shit out of this thing. Let her know who the man is.

I'm a pussyologist. I don't like no girl with no big old sloppy ass pussy. Big sloppy pussy laying all over the bitch. Gonna fucking use some Epsom sauce. So, good pussy. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this.

Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Christina Pazitz. Christina Pazitz. Welcome to your mom's house. Go.

Go. Play. Go. Go. Go. Play the guitar. Yeah. Hot licks.

What's up, down. Wow. That's your opening. It's unbelievable. That's unbelievable. What do you think of it? It's so great. People must download it just for that.

I think the opening is fantastic. We have to give credit. Ryan Match, the match man, made that for us. But that opening clip, that was you, right? That was back in your SNL days. Yeah, that's right. A big character. That was the Pussy's Too Fat character.

That Pussy's Too Fat character, which spawned a whole line of decorative jewelry that was exciting for me. Can I tell you, there's a lot we're going to talk about. And we're going to talk about what you have going on right now. But we obviously are very curious, as I'm sure listeners are, about your whole past. I've met you years ago, meaning like six, doing stand-up. I've seen you around town a few times. And of course, I knew you as somebody who's been on SNL. And then I didn't even realize that you were on mad TV before that.

Yeah, just for a few shows. But that's crazy, right? It's insane. Yeah, crazy that I ever worked again after mad TV, yeah. Really? Yeah, because yeah, I thought that was it. You know, they're not going to take me from... Tell me, how do you get mad TV?

What are you doing before mad TV? Like, are you doing... Before mad TV, I'm working the door at the comedy store. Okay. Doing stand-up. And then that was pretty much what was happening. But how did they find you? Like, I mean, did you audition?

Yeah, I got the improv on Melrose Recommended Me and so did Jules Zadak. And I just got like a stand-up showcase, just like five minutes for mad TV. And you did a stand-up showcase and got it from that? Yeah. That's insane. Well, I mean, that was the beginning of the casting process. Oh, the casting process, right. And did you do characters in your stand-up?

I did stand-up. Yeah, I did impressions, all impressions. Who did you do that was the deal maker? Louie Anderson was one that I can remember I did. I did Letterman. Louie has a very distinct voice. It's on here. You guys ready to play the feud?

I'm dying. You ever do that? You ever pick up one of those things and look on top of them and it doesn't screw on? It's on here. There you go. That's fantastic. What did you do, Letterman? Sorry.

That's great. Good to have you here. Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you understand the gravity of this particular situation? Unbelievable. I love it. Are these things, I always wonder with impressionists that you go, I think I can do him and you try it and then somebody's like, that's fucking good.

And then you always just work on that? Mine is always, I just realize I can do them. You just realize you can do them? I can do that one. Okay. Yeah. I mean, that's crazy. Yeah.

But I had to learn them at SNL, sometimes you have to learn one. Wait, let's not get there. You do mad TV, you do a few episodes and then they're just like, you're not coming back. And then you go like, oh, I'm just going to go. It was a four of 12 deal. So that means you get four of 12 possible episodes. Yeah. So yeah, that was it.

Just did four and they didn't pick it up. And then I was just in, you know, living in a studio city, like stressed out, nervous, you know, smoking a lot of weed, like really, really kind of down, down, down and just didn't think anything would happen again. And then I got a call for a standard life audition. Okay. And then is that a flight in New York? Yeah.

Flight in New York. You're leaving in two weeks. Wow. And isn't that the most intense pressure that exists though? Like, because that is, I mean, as somebody who like, just being in the world of comedy, right? Like that is kind of like the Holy Grail show of comedy. And we all go through, I think we go through, if you're a kid born in the United States,

you go through a period where you are really into SNL. It's just usually a period. You know, I mean, very few people. High school. Yeah. College. Exactly. You go through, I mean, for me, I think it actually started, I think the heavy period was fifth grade,

which for at my time was like, that was like 92. And that had, or the sixth grade, maybe, and that had like, Sandler, Spade, Farley, all those guys, that crew was like, you know, such a huge influence growing up. And then you kind of fade out. You're like, I don't, you don't watch it for a while. And then another fat like for me was high school again, hits you. And then you kind of fit it. But it's like, I can't imagine like going, getting a call being like in two weeks, you're auditioning

for SNL. I mean, I feel like. Yeah. When I first, they first said that I go, well, let's just do it in a year. Right. Right. No, you kind of have to do this right now. Right.

And then did you know what you were going to do then? Yeah. And then I was on my way to San Diego when I heard the news. Turned around and came back to LA and, and worked on my set list with my, my old manager, Dave Rath. And basically got five minutes together and about 10 impressions, nine, nine impressions. Wow. Wait a minute.

So for people who don't know like the SNL audition is what it's supposed to be a minimum of like three characters, right? Or three. You usually do three characters, three impressions, I think. Wow. So you're stand up and you kind of have to mesh in everybody's character to have like an overarching narrative in your piece. Or how did you find it?

No, no, I didn't. I just, I just did like little bits, little tiny little bits. Do you have, there is the footage of you. Like I've seen footage of people. Yeah. Or just sitting out there on the stage and they're like, go ahead. Yeah. And they're way up in the rafters and you're just like.

Yeah. Not, I don't know if they're. Well, you know, but like, they're right. You can't see them. You can't see them. You can't see them. Oh my God. Jeff Richards and.

Yeah. Yeah. Here we go. Yeah. It's like an old folks home or something. That's crazy, man. Yeah. That's cool.

And does anybody laugh during the audition? I didn't hear a lot of laughter. And no one told me before that they might not laugh. So, but I didn't really care. I rehearsed it without any laughter. So. Yeah. Wow.

Now, when you're in it, you're probably, I see you as I can see you like, you're obviously like super commit. You can go into your character and just really do it. You're done. You're really good about it. As soon as you wrapped, like, as you're like, Thank you. Yeah. I said, thanks.

Thank you. And they clapped a little bit, and you felt good. I felt good. And then I started to walk off and then Lauren stopped me and said, hey, good job. Oh, he said, good job. Yeah. And did you know, like, Oh my God, I just thought that's pretty cool. That is pretty cool.

I a pretty good thing. Wow. Now, see the thing, the reason I bring up the, the, having phases is like, for instance, I have no idea who's on SNL right now. You could show me the cast. I'm sure I would not recognize 90% of them. I've not watched it, but I feel like SNL is one of those things where like you still get tapped into it every once, even if you're not watching because of either a sketch or

a character. You know what I mean? Like somebody will be like, this is, have you seen this and yeah, you'll get sent something. I found, I feel like I wasn't watching it when you were on, but I still managed to learn about or find out about drunk girl because I thought that was such a great character. Oh, thank you. That was such a funny character. Was that based on somebody?

It was somebody in the crowd. San Diego was doing the La Jolla comedy store and there was this woman in the crowd that was yelling at me and I couldn't shut her up. So I had to like, I thought I'll just do her to her. Oh, like mock her. Yeah. Yeah. So she's like, I fucking hate you.

Like, I hate you more, bitch. You didn't even know me. And then they would just go back and forth and back and forth. And that's such a, by the way, like I, you have to remind yourself when you're a standup with like hecklers and with like things to, if you can, if you can keep or be funny during like confrontational moments, it's the best route, right? Like, because that undoubtedly made that so funny in the room at the time when you were doing her to her.

Yeah. But like, you know, you have to like tell, I have to tell myself like, don't be like, shut the fuck up, like try to do that, try to be funny because that's being funny while you're getting heckled. Yeah. That's so great. Thanks. And then the character, you just took that to SNL.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I didn't audition with that. Right. But you had it in you. Yeah. Fuck, man. Yeah.

I love like, you would do that on weekend update, right? Like you would go out there and that's so. So wait. So you do your 10 characters, you have this five minutes, Lauren Michaels tells you, you do a, you know, good job. Is that what he says? Good or great? Good job.

And then I left and, you know, took a hotel, you know, went to the hotel. And then when do you get the call? No, then I landed in San Diego and yeah, I got, I got a call at least, I was in a car with a few different people and we were going from the airport to the, the condo and basically I got a call and they said, oh, Jeff, yeah, I said, yeah, and he goes, listen, you got it. And I go, oh, great. And then the crowd, you know, in the car, the car charges, Jesus fucking Christ.

All the people in the car, all the people in the car cheer and then he goes, yeah, but you can't tell anybody. Oh, so I wasn't supposed to say anything for like that weekend, but you got to call the day after. Yeah. Day after. Yeah. So then now you're picking up and you're going to move to New York and how much time

do you have to get your things together and celebrate before you go to work? I had two weeks, no, I had, I think I had a month, a month, something like that. That's an exciting month, right? To like, like, yeah, moving to New York. Pretty cool. Do SNL. That's such a cool thing, man. Yeah.

You know, it'll never be, you'll always be SNL alum. You know what I mean? It's a very special group. I had a great time. I really did. It's a special group. I had a lot of fun. Now, can I ask you this question?

We've all been fired in show business when, I was fired from Chelsea Lely and I got, just I had crushed the day before on the round table. It was one of those things where people were like, you did great. That's why I got called into the EPs room the next day. I was like, oh, I'm going to get a raise. They're going to make me head writer today. No. I got fired.

How did they fire you? Because I know Janine Graffalo got like a fax. Or did you get fired? I'm assuming you did. Yeah. I got fired. I got fired. I got a phone call.

It was one of the producers and he says to me, hey, sorry to hear the news and I go, what? That's the bad news. Yeah. I go, what news? And he goes, they didn't tell you yet? That's the best. Are you serious?

Yeah. All right. You ran into the guy or you got it? No. He called me. He called you. You didn't hear yet? No.

He goes, he goes, they didn't come, you know, he goes, sorry to hear about it. You know? I go, I got fucking so stoned right now. It's okay. That's great. So you go and hear what and he's like, I can tell you yet? He goes, hey, hey, Jeff, how are you? I don't remember.

Right. So then did you hang up and make another call right away? No, man. I was listening to, I don't remember what I was listening to about a pack of cigarettes. Okay. I drove, I was listening to, I don't remember. Okay. It's pretty traumatic though.

Getting fired is probably one of the most traumatic things, especially from a big show. Yeah, sure. How did I get more stoned? At the beginning, I just fucking like settled in. What are we talking about? We're talking about getting fired. Oh, okay. Um, so did you have to, uh, did you stay in New York for a while?

Did you move? No, I left right away. Left right away. Came back to California. Yeah, I was a California kid anyways. I mean, every time I would get a break from New York, I would leave from the show, I would just leave and go back to LA. Oh, you would?

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Um, so tell me how long have you been, obviously been doing staying a long time. How did you get into doing music? Because we, we were talking about this. We both really dig Christina and I, what you're doing with music right now seriously. And like, it's rare because I feel like most comics to get involved in like funny songs

or whatever it is. I'm like, eh, like I just, I just, it doesn't, I shouldn't like put it down, but it just doesn't do anything for me. But I think probably the thing is, is that your songs, the hook isn't like, isn't this fucking hilarious. It's that it's a cool, like I actually dig the song itself, you know, like I like the music. I like the whole package.

Yeah. It's, it's, it does sound like music. Yeah. Ben Seward, Ben Seward, John Sanders did the music for this album and it's great. How long, how long, when did you start doing music? I think around 05, I think it was. I had a Macintosh laptop. That Macintosh company.

Okay. Yeah. Uh, it did the garage band thing for a few years and then you met people that met people. Yeah. Basically met Ben and, uh, he just put together some cool sounding stuff. Like his stuff sounds like it could be in like, uh, Star Wars or something too. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Um, plus I like the videos are silly too. I think it's so good to be silly. Yeah. We're going to play so much of it is like, uh, yeah, music comedy is a hard sell. Cause either it's like the same joke over and over or it's not fun.

Just like there's parlor tricks and stand up. Yeah. There's very like big parlor tricks for comedy music, you know, like there's versions of comedy songs that you're like, dude, anybody can write that. Yeah. Like you could just be like, uh, let's write a song right now. Um, you know, hey there, what's that smell? I think that's my balls.

And people are like, that song's fucking hilarious. No, it's not. Right. It's not a hilarious song. I have a smash hit single regular body. That's different. That's a really good song. That's a good song.

That was for a show I was on, but it was fun. It was fun to do it and it's fun when the video turns out cool and it's silly, but yeah. But there's layers to that too. I looked down on the, the form before I did that song actually. I feel like though that you guys, here's the thing about that is there's like a concept to that and you guys stayed true to it. This song, like the lyrics actually played to the concept and the video was amazing.

It's good work. Yeah. It's very good work. Oh, wow. When was the last time you went to the dentist? Two months ago. How was the verdict? Perfect.

Really? Yeah. And historically, I mean cavities. Yeah. I was getting one or two every time I, every six months. Did you do anything to change? Did you start flossing more? No.

It just stopped because you have all cavities. I don't know what's going on. I just got, got lucky. Yeah. Let's see. You're lucky. You'll see. Smile.

You have a nice smile. It looks like strong teeth. Yeah. You ever do the zoom, the whitening strips or anything like that? No. Nothing. No. Wow.

You brush twice a day. Yes. How often do you floss? This is a dental update. Not very often. Really? You got to get into it, Jeff. You got to do it.

Every time I do it though, I go, wow, I really do like flossing. It's a little extra work. It's like doing abs, you know? But flossing is pretty good. That's a great expression. You have to. Flossing is like the abs. It is.

Yeah. He's right. It's like doing abs. You have to do it. Now, had you, do you have a lot of cavities prior? Yeah. He's got 35, 40 cavities. Really?

Yeah. I probably have seven. Okay. That's not too bad. It's not that bad. It's not that bad. It's not for a lifelong. It's not bad.

Yeah. No. Do you have braces as a kid? No. Wow. Very lucky. Wisdom teeth pulled? Yeah.

Beeneers? Bondings? No. Wow. It's good. It's a good dental history. Yeah. We're really, we like teeth a lot.

Do you? Yeah. We talk about this almost every show. Almost. Very important. Why don't we play one of his songs, Jeans? Okay. We can play one of those.

I like to hear the muscle one. That one's my... Boom chocolate. Yeah. That's muscle bitch. Get the fucking name right. Muscle bitch. Yeah.

I was pulling up another thing though. Oh, sorry. Okay. I'll pull up muscle bitch if you want to be like that. So, and this video is fucking hilarious. We'll put this on the site and you guys can check this out. This is Jeff Richards muscle bitch. Oh, and there's a commercial and we'll act like it's not there.

And then after a few seconds, it's not there. I've got your finger. I've got your finger. I've got your finger. That's not my finger. Tricky donkey. Tricky donkey from San Francisco. Tricky donkey.

I feel weird. I feel fucking... You're fine, my little donkey. I feel dizzy. I feel sick. You're fine, my little donkey. I'm a muscle bitch. I'm a muscle bitch.

I'm muscle... I'm a muscle bitch. I'm a muscle bitch. I'm muscle... I'm so into this. Why am I so into this? I like it. It's actually catchy. I've so liked this song a lot. I'm a muscle bitch.

And this is you, so for people who don't know, you're obviously very skilled. You can do the accent. I like the accent, dude, a lot. I don't even know what it is. I don't know where it comes from. What part of the world do you think it is? It's German.

Oh, yeah, I guess it's German. Really? I got your finger! I got your finger. There you go. Clowns is big nips. I want to play on my big nipples right now. I want to breastfeed you.

I like when you say you're a donkey. Am I good for you, mummy? I'm a muscle bitch. I'm a muscle bitch. I'm muscle... I'm so into this. Prepare for conditioning sequence. Shoulders went apart.

Back slightly arched. Stomach in, chest out. Time to hit your mark. Are you ready? Get ready. Get ready. 1 and 2. And 2, and 1, and 2,

and 11, and 6, and 1, and 5, and 7, and 8, and 9, and 2, and 1, and 2, and 6, and 4, and 1, and 2, and 11, and 11, and 11, and 11, and 11, and 11, and 11,

and 11. You're a fuckin' maniac. These lyrics just come to you. You're a really creative dude. This shit is just in your brain. Yeah. When I hear the music, I can sometimes come up with lyrics for stuff like this. What was your inspiration for Muscle Bitch?

Uh... There was no... No, just the words, but for the video, I wanted a female bodybuilder. I wanted a big, thick, female bodybuilder with a good spirit, mood,

you know. But I couldn't get one. Why did you not get one? I'm curious about that. Too expensive. Oh, really? And then I could tell they're too grumpy. A lot of testosterone. Yeah, a lot of testosterone. But then I thought of Boone

from the comedy store. Tell our listeners, you guys are store people. Tell them about Boone. Boone Chakalaka. He dances and drag. He does stand-up comedies. Supposedly homeless. I heard he might not be homeless.

Something like that. But he's always come to the comedy store for years. And he's real skinny. He's an elderly black gentleman. And... Flirty. Sexy, sexual. Always telling gentlemen how nice

their eyes are. Boone doesn't really talk to me a whole lot. No. Do you have a history? Do you have a rapport with him? Just from the last few years, yeah. Like, Hey Boone or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he sells things for a dollar, too. Do you know that? He sells CDs and books and things. And he gets them from the library, I think. There's a lot of comedy store characters. Yeah, there's the guy that's Jesus.

And he gives a man who looks exactly like Jesus. And he gives really nice shoulder rubs. Have you ever had a shoulder rub from Jesus? He makes his way around the West Hollywood area pretty much. You could spot him from Sunset

all the way down to Santa Monica. Nice guy. That's a good fucking plan he's on. Calorie burning wise. It's a lot of miles. Jesus walks. Shoulder rubs I didn't know about. But he seems like a very kind guy.

Yeah, they're all pretty fun. Now, oddly enough, sometimes you'll see him with Brody. Another... Brody Stevens. Another disciple of Jesus. So you hit up Boone and you're like, do you tell him?

And he's just like, yeah, let's do it. Yeah, he was into it. But he doesn't have a cell phone. So I told him I had to meet him at McDonald's. So we just met at the McDonald's. So the day of the shoot, I didn't know if he was going to show.

I remember Ryan Sickler and I did this basically a pilot on our own years ago called Cut Man. And I remember we had a boxing gym and then we needed just people to be working out in the background.

I'll never forget that I asked the guy who was an athlete in an acting class to come there and work jump rope and just be in the background. He's like, definitely, I got you. I'll be there tomorrow. Never show up. And then we were asking like sound guy, like, were you fucking working out?

Just because you're relying on people. Do you remember the day you were shooting White Girls with Cornrows, your album cover? Yes. And we didn't know if the White Girl would show up to get to Cornrows. And I volunteered to be the White Girl. You were my backup.

I was your backup bitch on that one. I even called my hairdresser and I'm like, is this going to break my hair out? He's like, yeah, you don't want to get corn. It's full of very tight. And I bleach my hair. I don't know if you guys know that, but I'm not an adrenaline.

It hurts. But the girl who did it is phenomenal. She's so great. And I have to say she had the best attitude. She's what you want when you're meeting a stranger for like your video. She was a dancer, right?

Like a hip hop dancer. So that was kind of a good look for her to have. For a minute. I don't know if she... Such a great album. What is it? Elana Kluner is her name. And she dances in video.

She tours. She was in China for like six, nine months. That's cool as shit. She was awesome. But I even sat there. I remember we went to South of Sentinella area in LA.

It's like the black barbershop beauty shops. And I was like, they were so distrustful of me. Like this lady was like, why are you here? And I was like, this girl's going to get corn roast. And she was like, for what? I was like,

I just said for like a photography shoot. And she was like, she locks the door. Yeah, like they lock the door when they're open. And so like every time I would go in or out, I was like, why you keep coming in now? I was like, I'm waiting for her to get here.

And she was like, well, pick a spot. And I was like, all right, I'll just sit here. And then Elana came and she was like, she's getting the corn roast. And she was like, it's going to take a while. It takes hours. When she was half braided is when I knew that she wasn't leaving.

I was like, she's going to have half a head of corn roast. So then I was like, I can leave now. So I paid the lady and I tipped her like 20 or 30 bucks. Which definitely is not the normal. She was like, okay, all right. I'll take care of it. She was like so stoked on that.

Yeah, yeah. And then and then Elana was so great to work with. It's hard. It's surprisingly difficult. It's not hard to find the weird beards in LA. It's hard to get the weird beards to commit to doing your fun stuff. They don't always want to show up.

Or even on Craigslist, to find the weirdos you can't get them to commit. You have to to get things done without money is the real thing. It's like, you know, I gave Elana, I think 50 or 75 bucks, something like that.

Plus paid for it obviously to get done. But I mean, like if you don't have a ton of money, you see things on TV or online. She's huge, crazy shoots and you're like, well, yeah, they had some enormous budget to do that. But you pulled this off obviously without a crazy budget.

Yeah, I think it was like $200. Damn, how did you shoot the video for that cheap? The video looks so good. Just a lot of people wanting to be a part of it. Wanting to be a part of it. Is this you, by the way? Ron Eigen directed it, I must say.

Okay. He was great, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, fantastic. Is this you? Yeah. Are you thirsty? Uh-huh. I made you hear these

big nips on watch. Is that me? Fuck me dry. Is that when you auditioned? You auditioned with that? That is me. And they booked you. That's right. That's amazing, man. I want whatever, I want more of this.

I like the horn. Don't forget to stick the smile on the line of the song. I'm a muscle, I'm a muscle, bitch. I'm a muscle, I'm a muscle, I'm a muscle, bitch. I'm a muscle, I'm a muscle. And Boone is perfect.

He's awkward but like doing what he's supposed to be. And it is sort of a workout video, too. Right, right, right. I feel like muscle bitch is going to take off for you. I'm a muscle, I'm a muscle, bitch.

I'm a muscle, I'm a muscle, bitch. What's the album that, like this song is called Shingles? It's called The Shingles. 2009 to 2014. Did you have a song, you mentioned a song earlier you said that you really like or that I should check out.

Oh, I was just saying the next one's Def 1.5. That's the next song we're doing as a music video. What is it? Def 1.5. Oh, Def 1.5. You're doing that next? That'll be the next one, yeah. Okay, okay, okay. Def 1.5. Okay. Yeah, Jeff, I mean I see you as like

the contemporary weird owl. Like this is like the cool version. This is like really relevant. And today, I mean I was looking at your video like this could have been like a santo gold video like if you look at the style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really like on the cut. It's what's happening now kind of

like it's actually really funny. This video appeals to a lot of different like demos to me. Yeah, it's ridiculous. The rain when I love too. Yeah, yeah, that's really good. Really good. I'm glad you like it. Thank you. Yeah, buddy. Keep doing it.

Just keep doing it. Do you love when people say that to you after your comedy show, Tom? They're like, just keep at it. Keep doing that. You stick with that. You're good. You stick with it. Hang in there. George Conlon told me to hang in there. He did? Yeah, I was at the comedy store. I did a spot in front of like four people

real late at night. And he goes, hang in there. That was nice. That's actually that's a good one. That's good. My to me the one that always I'm like, like it just affects me in some way is that was pretty good.

Like after a show and like that was pretty good. And I'm like, who says that? Why would you say that to somebody? Yeah, yeah. It's not a compliment. Yeah, it's not a compliment. You realize to me the equivalent is like you going up to a woman at a bar and just being like, you know, you're not bad looking.

Like, so can I get you a drink? I'll be like, what? Like, you're pretty good. You don't say like, yeah, yeah. It's a bizarre thing to say to me. Have we discussed my father's comments about your Netflix special on the show? I don't remember.

Well, my husband Tom has a Netflix special out and my dad watched it and he did the pretty good. Yeah, but I like Tommy. I like he's making this stupid face. I like his stupid face. And it's just my face.

He's not making it. I like the stupid face he makes. I'm not doing faces. He looks like he's stupid, you know. That's a good name for a band. Stupid face. That is a good name. Got a nice stupid face on you.

My favorite is when the waitresses go, well, I liked it. I thought you did great. I hate that. I thought you did great. That is totally it. I laughed. I thought everyone else did. That's when you go, I thought everybody did.

And they're like, that was a rough crowd. And you're like, what? And you always have to say, I thought everybody did. Yeah. To them to try to convince them. Yeah, yeah. That was good. Some guy was like, he saw my Comedy Central presents and he was like, so was that

and we go, yeah, that was a lot of fun. He goes, yeah, because that was like rough time, like watching it. Oh boy. And he was like, I mean, you could tell that the audience was not on board. What are you talking about, man? What do you mean?

That was an incredibly, it was a hot crowd where you go, this is too easy. Yeah. You're like, this is unjust response. And he was like, no, that's not how I play on TV. I'm like, what do you mean? Why are we talking about two different things? You could kind of still stay in your head though, huh?

A little bit. Yeah, I go, I actually wanted to go, I remember when he said it and I was like, I got to go look at this thing again to see if it plays like that. I haven't seen it since. But it was weird that he was like, you know what?

I think sometimes people project their own stuff onto what you're doing. Like someone commented on our Gretchen Bonaducci episode, like she seemed nervous. And I'm like, really? She wasn't at all. She was totally normal in the room.

Why would you, that's the last emotion that was actually in the air. So maybe someone projects or reads into it like what they want to, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They are putting out their thing. Can I ask you another SNL question, Jeff? When you were on the show, did you get,

is this the era of people emailing you? Did you get a lot of stuff about like, the director or you suck or you're amazing? Yeah, I got some stuff. I didn't get that much to my website email kind of deal.

But I probably only got, I don't know. I can't say exactly how much, but it was pretty good. Nobody was crazy? No weirdos? I don't know, no weirdos. It wasn't being on TV. I met some girls that way though. You met them because of the show?

Oh, through the website? Nice. Meet me in Central Park. That's kind of fun. There's no other way to do it. There's no Facebook. There's nothing else out there. So people would be like, I saw you.

This is 0104, so. I saw you on SNL. I saw you taking Central Park right now. That's pretty cool. It sounded like Dustin Hoffman. I catch myself sounding like him all the time. But he does that with his mouth. I wore it.

I find it very attractive. Very attractive. Very, very attractive. Passionate, loved you for hours. Hours. Shitty, shit, shit. Did you audition with him? Yeah.

It's fantastic. See, because that's a skill in and of itself to be able to watch people enough to get their mannerisms down. Watching you do that, you're like, oh my god, you got the mouth down, you got everything. Were you an only child?

Were you a very lonely child? I was a very lonely child. On the next lonely child. How did you become so observant? Were you always that observant? My natural makeup is to study and do them subconsciously.

You do your friends and family a lot too? Yeah, if it comes to me. I never really try to do them. I never really try to do them. Something has to come into me to do it. Who's your favorite to do? I like to do newer ones.

I've been doing Kevin Spacey from House of Cards. You watch me like that one? Yeah, I love that show. Mr. Vice President, I'll show you what you say means nothing. We will find an answer for you.

Doug, can I get a hot fudge sundae? Funny thing about a hot fudge sundae, never get that hot fudge hot enough. Fantastic. That's so good. That is so good. His little side.

These ribs are juicy and these ribs are good. Frank, I would never under... That was really good. Why is it so much fun to watch somebody do the most fun thing ever? To watch somebody do it. It's like magic, it's fun.

It's so silly and fun. It's a form of magic, that's why. Slide a hand. How do you do it? You sound like that. Back to Jeff's I'm gonna get more wine. Do you want anything?

I'm fucked the shit out of this then. I don't know who the man is. I'm a pussyologist. I don't like no girl with no big old sloppy ass pussy in England. Big sloppy pussy laying all over the bitch. I said shit.

My name is Hank Harrison and I've been waiting for half and half and I know I'm next

and I know you told me I'm next and I know I know I'm next. Don't you tell me I'm not next. Wow. How? How? Whoa. Because I think that's a skill.

Like you're doing little slices of life, you know? Like you're replicating slices of life. It's just a totally different skill set. It's just a totally different skill set. Like my skill set is being an asshole like really you know like topical jokes or commenting on things that suck.

You know I kind of like I wish I was more creative sometimes like oh that's so creative like that's a slice of life. That's not my skill set. I feel like making these songs is really super creative. Yeah. There's a

like I see some like you as like a mad scientist walking around. There you go. I'm going to get more wine. Does anyone want anything? Do you want something? Oh maybe water please. Thank you. Oh man

you're making all this noise. It's called Real Life Tom. Just deal with it. Tell me about your diet. I just started it. Beans? You're eating beans? I'm trying to eat the same thing for a while. I'm eating yogurt

2% Greek yogurt I do these shakes with spinach and banana ice. Do you have a goal? Do you have a goal? Like a weight loss goal? 25 pounds. It's good to say the goal. That's what I've learned. You gotta state your goal. 25 pounds

and I really think it's like if I really just stick to it I'll be fine. Yes. But I had to make something I could stick to that's not too crazy. It's a reasonable diet and it's a reasonable goal.

We're just talking about stating goals for weight loss. I'm not good at that. He wants to lose 25 pounds. Me? 26 pounds. Wow. We all have goals. Whatever.

Is there a diet that includes wine every night? I think that's what I need. I don't like to not drink wine. Do you know who that was? Talking about the big old sloppy pussy? Who are my Beatles? Two live crew.

That was Uncle Luke. Luke Skywalker? I'm a huge fan of them now. Would you like to hear something else? I'd love to. If there were no holds barred you could do whatever you wanted to do. If there was no holds barred

and I could do whatever I wanted to do I'd already do everything I wanted to do. I'd do anything I wanted to do. If I wanted to piss on the motherfucker I'd piss on him. Golden shower. I don't want to shit on nobody

because I don't want to smell the smell. I think that's nasty. He makes a good point. But then it makes you kind of think it's only smells. It's only smells. You know? I was just thinking of

the two live crew song Pop That Pussy. They've got some really neat lyrics. I was thinking that one where he goes, shake it, but don't break it. It took your mom nine months to make it. You know what I mean?

Who comes up with that stuff? Uncle Luke and them do. I looked up the lyrics for it. They go, to see freaky hoes doing shows, doing tricks to make us holler on a giving night all for a dollar. That's not bad.

Not bad at all. I like that a lot. I like big booty and big old titties. You know, you've been fucked by many. So come and be my private dancer. I got some money if that's the answer. If that's the answer. Is it the answer? It is the answer.

It's philosophical, but yes. I really fucked a lot of hoes back then. You think so? Yeah, definitely. Nice week to go. To see freaky hoes doing shows, doing tricks to make us holler on a giving night all for a dollar.

All on the jet. Not like hoes but above the rest. They'll do anything to turn us on. Them hoes got it going on. I like big booty and big old titties. Smart. I got some money if that's the answer. I just want to know how the Asian dude got in.

Because somebody give us the story. How did the Asian dude get in Two Live Crew? This is Miami in the 80s. It's like down fucking black dudes from Liberty City. And there's an Asian dude. I never understood how he got in the group. I don't know.

We've got to find out. We're put out a request to find out. We're going to get answers back. I'm sorry, I just read another gem. Oh, wow. Thank you, mama. Nine months to make it. Bend over and spread them girl.

Show me those pussy pearls. Hey, that's neat. What are the pussy pearls? What do you think? What are the pearls? I don't know. Pussy pearls? What are the pussy pearls?

I would only be one pearl if there was a pearl. There'd be one. Just one. If there's two, there's an issue in your pussy. Probably some sort of disagreement. Did you know that he shouts out, people? Janet J.

Pop that pussy. Bubbles pop that pussy. Sandra P. The girls that he used to see in their pussies pop. Madonna. Pop that stinky smelly pussy, baby. Did you know that? I didn't remember that. Is that at the end?

Yeah, towards the end. Spread them girl. Show me those pussy pearls. Play with that clip. You know I like that freaky shit. You look so cute. Throwin' that pussy the way you do. Pop that pussy, hey.

Pop that pussy, baby. Pop that pussy, hey. Pop that pussy. They call Madonna's pussy stinky. And who's Sandra P. Pop the pussy. Jackson. Bubbles pop the pussy.

Sandra P. And then Madonna. Pop that stinky smelly pussy, baby. Hers is stinky and smelly. Everyone else's pussy is fresh. Isn't that weird? They're calling her out. This is at the height of like, this is her

getting super famous. This is like, probably, what is it? Like, you know, what's the movie she was in? She was in a few. Who's that girl? Shanghai Surprise. What's the first one that she was in? Where she came in and she was like...

Oh shit, man, desperately seeking Susan. Right, and then she carried that style into her first album. That's what's up, Lucky Star, Borderline. And she's a huge, huge, huge star. And then they're like, you got a stinky ass pussy. Wait, she's got a stinky smelly pussy. Pop that pussy, baby.

Pop that pussy. I totally forgot that. Pop that pussy to dance for the ladies. Okay, oh yeah, late early... It's coming, it's a little bit further. Okay. Bitches in cages. Okay.

Let it stop with that. It's about to come up, okay? After the second time. Hey! There it's coming. Here it comes. Here we go. I've never listened to a song this far.

That's probably why. Yeah, that's why. Hey! That's hilarious. This might be the most defensive song of all time. You think so? I'm thinking, I can't think of a worse song to pop that pussy. Can you, Jeff?

I got a song worse than that. What's it called? It's called What Some Motherfucker Got To Do To Get His Ass Eating That Around Here. My first song ever did. Is it up? Yeah, it's on YouTube. It's called Ass Waxing.

No. Is that really what it's called? I swear. It's called Ass Waxing? Ass Wax. Okay. Alright, let's see here. Why is this running slow now?

Every time I go to YouTube, it takes longer and longer. Is it? Yeah. This is the intro. I'm here. I'm gonna give a shit about the girl in the picture. I'm here. Let me in.

Come on. It's $100. Okay. You're a sicko. I need this. I'm a classy lady. What's Some Motherfucker Got To Do To Get His Ass Eating That? What?

This is really what it's called. Wow. I didn't know you had this in you. I know. You nasty. That's what I told him. You nasty. I didn't know. I just didn't see that in you.

Ass Eating Days. Were you a big music guy growing up? Yeah. I mean, I didn't know. I loved it. You loved music? I want to ask you a question. Just give me your honest answer. You can invite all your friends and family

to this show to enjoy with you. You have to choose. It's going to be like a party for you and your friends and family. Whoever you want to invite to it. You either get to have the Beatles

put on a show for you. They all come back from the dead and Paul's still alive. Or Biggie Smalls. Biggie Smalls. For fuck's sake. Why? What's wrong with you two? And Paul's still alive.

I just said that. Paul's not dead. Paul's still alive. Paul's not dead. They come back from the dead and Paul's still alive. Paul is still alive. That's what I'm saying.

Okay. Yeah. Why? Just because I like rap. I like the Beatles but I never really got into songs of the Beatles Thank you.

Thank you. I don't even want to talk to you guys anymore. This friendship is over. You're trying to work on this. Speaking of music the guys from the wonderfully talented

and just ever prolific group Ghost Group sent us this song because of our Biggie vs Beatles heavy debate. It's been going on for a while. Do you think I care about this fucking debate?

It's not a real debate. That's 100% real debate. Money, money, money, pussy, money. You know what time it is. And if you don't know now you know. Don't worry. Don't worry.

Yeah. Biggie, Biggie, Biggie. This album is dedicated to all the people that lived above the buildings that I was hustling from when I was trying to make some money to feed my daughter.

To all my people that was clubbing. You know what I'm saying? It was all a dream. I used to reword up magazines something pepper and heavy D up in the limousine hanging pictures on my wall Every Saturday, Rap Attack

Mr. Magic Mall & Mall smoking weed and bamboo sipping on pop stop way back when I had the red and black lumberjack with the hat to match Remember Rap and Duke? The hard, the hard they never thought that hip hop would take it this far

Now I'm in the limelight cause I ride bike time to get paid blow up like the world train born sinner, the opposite I will win a rember when I used to eat sardine for dinner You know what I'm saying? I was laughing

yea that was so good I love Ghost Crew so much Thank you guys That was really cool Very good These dudes they send us the best shit They really do

You know what we love on this show? Jeffree Richards Is that your birth name? What's I? Hanson? We love when somebody loses their cool We love

not in the room, I'm saying we love somebody like a coach or somebody just like blowing up in the middle of the room You wanna fucking go now? There's a fucking door son Get the fuck out you don't like it

You know shit like that right? Yea yea yea That dude just gave him the fucking business right there I love that stuff We've played literally at this point I don't know How many have we played do you think?

Tons, over the years? Tons And they never get old They absolutely never get old I want more You can keep sending them in Your mom's podcast at gmail.com The point being

that it's almost always a coach a coach in a locker room who's disappointed in his team Well this one that we got right now

Here's another one That wasn't this week That was last fucking week That was Mike Leach This time, guess what For the first time, it's not a coach It's a coach like

It's the band director Oh It's so interesting You think the band is like that's cute You play your songs in the band This dude takes this shit for real I mean really for real

Okay Alright Kyle Kyle What is this position here? Associate director What am I? Head director You fucking better realize

who you're dealing with We told you to Can I do my coach real quick? Absolutely, of course you can It's a new coach version It's that coach that you're not sure if he's a coach on the team

if he's a father But you always just kind of blend it in He's there every game so no one worries about it He's always saying the same shit He's always like Let's fucking go Come on

Let's fucking go Let's fucking go is in the seat behind you and next to you all the time Every sporting event you go to somebody is Let's fucking go

Go where man What are you doing? He's the fucking sideline coach 100% Absolutely Nobody really knows what he's talking about Really Come on

Just overall disgust Overall disgust Let's do this Let's fucking go Looks like he's like We get it We always get it when you do that guy Fucking geek

Let's see a banned guy Where did he go You like that? Do you like how it stopped? I guess While I try to find that What is What is that?

It's the sound of excitement We've decided, you know how they play bullhorns on morning radio to make things exciting That's our version of the bullhorn A bag of chips Makes things really exciting I agree You get it, let me hear it again after you say it

Sure Make it exciting Tom Let's make it exciting in here Hold on, hold on 3, 2, 1 Here's this Okay, here we go Let's make this exciting

Feel better now about the show? Seems like it's more than chips Seems like there's glass bottles involved It's a very fragile glass bowl that they're pouring it into Glass bowl, that's another great song Great song?

You have a song? That's the other way It's exciting Who is he? What is this position here? Associate director Head director You fucking better realize

Who you're dealing with I love it already He's the marching band director We told you to do something on the field and you outright disrespected him

and me Now, this will not stand We tell you to stand on your head and as drum major, you'll stand on your goddamn head if you want to be drum major Do you understand? Yes, I do Are we completely clear?

Yes, we are Again, done On the spot, done Do you understand? Yes, I do Wow Serious business You gotta know

When I walked over there We know that you need to practice the ramp And that's why we did it a second fucking time Oh, jeez We did that for you All right We as the staff selected David to do the interview because you had a problem

with the goddamn media and that's why we chose him to do it We understand that you're coming down the ramp this weekend You ever do that again after we've given you a direct goddamn order and you're done Do you understand?

Yes, I do I gotta say Do you understand? He's so defeated He stood up to him though Yes, I do, sir You know why he's doing that though? Because he knows he's recording it

He's extra brave I gotta say as much as I like playing audio of this kind of thing Remember now that everybody's just recording all your conversations Yeah, it's a lame era It is lame, it's not cool

You said you were from California originally Where'd you grow up? San Francisco Bay Area I went to college, I went to USF Oh, you did? That was awesome You're probably very liberal Group very liberal

Are your parents super hippies? Yeah, kinda Dad's older than mom Yeah, how much older? 20 years Damn They divorced 20 years ago He saw your mom and he was like

Yup, some of that Do you have siblings? I have two half-brothers From what? Dad's first marriage? Do you like them? Yeah Were they free love?

Were they free love and drugs and stuff? Propot Your parents? They smoked and stuff That's so cool Hearing that? It exists obviously

but it's like light years separation from what I'm used to I come from the households of marijuana It's like heroin, same thing Your dad does equate the two 100%

Oh and my grandpa thought that pot was like cocaine It just gets worse and worse Of course He's great He's so cute You're supposed to say I'm pretty good Where'd you go to school?

Did you go to high school? Walnut Creek California Actually, the high school was called Los Lomas High School Wait, so did your dad have tons of dough and stuff? No

Really? No, he did good but he wasn't rich or anything Sounds like the 20 years thing is like it's usually a fuck Maybe for those days he had something Yeah

Can I play you a clip, two clips and you tell me what you think is going on Sure Here is clip number one Tell me what you think is going on Now I'm going to show the boys what it's like Did you hear that? Yeah, how heavy is that?

Your little horsey Little horsey? What do you think that was? Just beating up like a horse doll You think somebody was beating up a horse doll? I have a theory May I

This is not an unfair advantage I haven't seen this clip I have seen HBO Real Sex and there is a thing called Pony Play Right Is this kind of a kissing cousin of Pony Play like a horse play? I dare to say

it's in that world but what's going on? May I please hear the clip again? Yes Now I'm going to show the boys what it's like Did you hear that? How heavy is that? Your little horsey

Well I mean I'm only going off her saying horsey There's a horsey involved Here's what's going on Do you want to take a guess as to what's going on? Somebody's being punished

There's some SNM component Someone's wearing a horse head or bridal or saddle of sorts like a horse I'm assuming there's some of that happening But here's the thing Your thinking is correct

The only horsey component is that the gentleman is on all fours He's on all fours and so he's positioned to make a horse and then when she says this at the top here She says Now I'm going to show the boys what it's like

Did you hear that? Did you hear that? That smacking sound She has a big enormous gut and she's lifting it up and dropping it on his back Oh my life I would have never guessed that

Pop over I would never have guessed that in a million years Oh shit Go for it How heavy is that? Your little horsey Oh She's quite large

Oh yeah Not exactly what I was thinking That's so fun, that's a fun game you do Yeah, yeah I'm probably one more for you Tell me if you think you know what's going on here Did she say something, those are nice beans? Did she say that at the end?

Those are nice beans Do you like that one horsey? Yeah Do you have your fans? Can your fans send in stuff and you have to guess what's going on? That's a new game That's interesting

I never thought of that one You're running over my dog Jeff You're making me very nervous His little dog bed is right there She wants to be very careful That's my only son What's going on here Jeff? Fuck my stomach

What's that? One more time please Fuck my stomach Fuck my stomach Fuck my stomach Okay, what's going on here? One more time One more time with that one

I'd like to sample some of these in my music Please Come on I'm not really sure Where is Jules? Honestly The problem is that that was

Hard fucking core It was saved as a weird name Maybe I can look for her while you listen to this Yeah, I'm such an info I just fucking swallowed a load twice today

And it's only like one o'clock Two o'clock in the afternoon Can I say this though? There's nothing hotter Hotter than porn itself is great porn acting You like that? When you see a chick and you go wow Find her

She's good It happens and it's more erotic than porn itself How about this here? Okay, I think I found it Honestly This goes for almost all the moments in this scene

It wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me you have two in you or you have three in you that it actually kind of clicked and I'm like oh my god this is actually happening I'm proud of myself That's great

Can you do her? Can you do that girl? Can you do her voice? Want to hear it again? It wasn't until This goes for almost all the moments in this scene It wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me

Let me try It wasn't until the first part of the scene when I had one dick in my asshole and there was another dick in my other asshole and I started to come and I was like holy fucking

shit I'm the teacher of the year Something like that That was good I liked when you picked up on until Until And I felt proud of myself Oh my god It's really good

I'm proud of myself How about this Tell me if you understand this with the real dynamic this then we'll wrap this up Oh hard dress in a far yard

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh yeah

fucking king ass right here and gross fucking start sending me some gas yeah beans so I can make these even bigger okay I thought of an idea

here's the thing we get a bunch of these together this could be something you get them all together all these different things and just have the video of it and then sell the video after all these get

more and more people go crazy not knowing what it looks like so it's like you could build up all this anticipation for these videos that's true many of which by the way

are on our podcast site not all of them but some of them we put on the sites that people can see the source of the audio clip it's a very good idea there's one thing that he challenges you at the end here I want you to hear the challenge if you think you can far bigger than me

he challenged you he threw down the gauntlet that's great Jeff you are excellent we love that you came in here what should we play on the way out which song should we play that I can play off you can play deaf one af maybe

deaf one af? is it on youtube? it's not on youtube something else give me something I can pull up someday you will die on youtube? sounds like my kind of jam

very existential I really want to see you take your music on the road I want to go to a jeff richards show every sunday in august we're out again? what's the song again? it's someday you will die

what's your twitter? the jeff richards jeans anything else? I love you thank you for listening you're my favorite I love you I'm following you right now jeff richards

thank you for coming anything else you want to say? go to tastyjeff.com for anything about me enjoy this ladies and gentlemen it is jeff richards someday

you will die that's very true we're out on a lake just swimming along the last thing you see are the lights from the jet ski crash on a motorcycle going too fast

punched in the face by a bouncer named trash swallowed by a snake what can you do? if it happened to jesus it will happen to you someday you will die oh yeah

someday you will die are those hikers who froze to death? why would you camp in the snow? Elvis died of a heart attack sitting on the throne lightning can strike your dead flipping in the shower

crack your head tricked by an ex-wife with an improvised explosive device ripped apart by a horses you're stomped by a horses you're kicked by a horses you just fall off a horse

there's a million ways to die and it's just from horses someday you will die oh yeah someday you will die someday you will die oh yeah someday you will die

die