Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - John Moore-119-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

This is what the Mommy Dome is all about - wearing jeans and having fun. A first timer has joined us who you are all sure to love, the very sweet, very funny, and eerily menacing, John Moore. Sure he's a dead ringer for Ariel Castro, but there's more to John that meets the eye. We cover the phenomenon that is lesbians watching gay, male porn - what? Yes! Is Maya Angelou the greatest human alive? The Dalai Lama? You decide. We also cover John's awesome writing career, singing on planes, and a groundbreaking Dental Update that will shake your teeth to your gums! The Mommies will find John love and hopefully he won't murder whoever he ends up with. 

He might snore through the shower though. That's cool. This is pretty. I feel like we're on an island. Pretty, huh? Sounds like there's a breeze blowing. Give it a second. See how pretty you think it gets. I don't think the song has probably ever been described as pretty. Okay.

But... Oh, no, it goes. You suck my dick, bitch. Put your pussy in my face. No, no, no, not at all. Come on, stretch your butthole. What? No. Where can people see you live? Well, mommies, as you hear the sound of my voice,

Buns and I are in Portland, Oregon right now. As you hear this, hopefully you've downloaded this first thing Friday morning, because tonight, that is May 17th, we are at the Fun House Lounge. The 8 o'clock show is sold out already, so get your ass to the 1030 show. If you haven't bought your tickets to 8 o'clock, you're out of luck, thankfully, there's a 1030.

Don't sleep. That's just going to be gone. Don't sleep. And then after that, May 18th, Seattle, Washington, again with my sweet Bunzeroni at the Highline in Seattle, one of 10. Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com. That's only one show. Seattle, one show only. One show only, so go to yourmomshousepodcast.com and get your tickets in advance.

Don't just plan on walking on up, and then you'll go get them tickets. After that, May 23rd through 26th, Richmond, Funny Bone, Richmond, Virginia, and then... Your favorite spot. That's right, and then May 29th, Cobb's Comedy Club for one night only.

I'm doing a benefit show there. I'm headlining that. And then June 6th through 9th, since Natty Funny Bone and the Dirty Natty, isn't that what they call it? The nasty Natty. Oh, sorry. Not the dirty Natty.

You're from the filthy, filthy Natty. Natty? Yeah. What about Eugene? Yo, obviously 17th and 18th with Tina, Portland and Seattle. May 31st and June 1st, only four shows over two nights

at Comedy Work South in Denver, Colorado. Denver, please come see me. You're my favorite comedy city in the world. Then June 6th through the 8th, Dr. Grins and Grand Rapids. And I'll leave it there for now. And that's what's up. Are you ready to start the show?

Oh, I've been ready. I've been done ready. Guest? Are you ready to start the show? Oh, I'm ready. I'm so ready. Mystery guest. We're not going to say who it is yet.

Don't spoil it, Jude. Short, I speak in an accent until we figure it out. That was so good. Wow. He has so many voices. What was that? Swedish? It was a little British,

a little Dutch, and a touch of Chinese. Wow. Do you realize how many people can't? People focus on doing one accent, and you just said, fuck all that. I'm making multiple accents. Absolutely.

I'm very multilingual. Let's start the show. I'm stressed. My wife comes later. What are you doing, Nicolas? I'm not doing anything. You are lying. I see you with my own eyes.

You're touching her ass. Don't lie to me, you fucking bastard. You won't fuck her when I was outside? Of course not. I only fuck with you, darling. She has an iPad. I know why I won't fuck her. You know what?

You can't fuck our mate when I'm out. Evie, please get me my strap on. Okay. It's on my cabinet. Take a few clothes. They're going to have some fun here. Okay. It's going to be super when I see you fuck with Eva with strap on.

Take a few clothes. What? Take a few clothes. Okay. Wow, thank you very much, honey. Not so far. Put it on. Wow.

This is even better. She fucks you? Actually, you won't fuck her. But I think it's more fun if she fucks you. He helps. Come on. Come on. Yes.

Come on. Eva, come and fuck it. Come on. So, what are you doing? You good? Yeah, fighting. Fighting, baby. So, you don't want to fuck her?

No, she's fucking you. Yeah, it's a good book. It's better than she fucks you than you fuck her. Oh, fuck this ad-home, the ad-home. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking sand.

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura. And Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Do you like that?

Wow. You guys have are not the best clips of any podcast. Yeah. I'm not kidding. I'm very serious about that. You're right about that. I agree. The rest of the content.

But the clips, I can't tell you how many times I'm outside listening to it on my iPod. Just cackling like an idiot at these clubs. That's awesome. That walk-up, flock-up flame clip. Kill me. You know what I'd love to see? I'd love to see a camera in the studio with him recording that. And Jillie Diaz just standing there looking at it.

Can you imagine? Oh, yeah. About like dog, dog. You're not even, you're not fucking saying anything. He would bring up, I feel like he would bring up like, I can't even think of it. But not the who, but somebody, some 70s rock bands and he would just be like, that's real fucking music. Oh, for sure.

Yeah. I was going to never do this bow, bow, bow crap. And he was on acid. Oh, yeah. This one, it was funny because you were doing your accents, which you're good at. Just the perfect Jillie Diaz. And I found that porn clip. It's so interesting.

Where did you find that? I don't know. But they, I like when porn clips or when porns are made somewhere else, but they're like, we got to keep the American English-speaking audience in mind. By somewhere else, do you mean Hungary, my motherland, where all porn is from? Yes. Exactly. This is Hungarian, right?

Or definitely Eastern Bloc. It doesn't say, but yeah, it looks Eastern Bloc as shit. Help me. And they just learned like, say fuck a lot. So great. She is fucking you. You wanted to fuck her. But she did say, I like that fucking this asshole in his asshole.

Yeah. So they got that down. Yeah, I didn't understand that. Fucking his asshole in his. Fucking this asshole in his asshole. Fucking this asshole. It's like a tautology and philosophy when A equals A. It's actually a very clever line on her part because the girl is wearing a strap on, right?

And she's fucking the guy and then the wife is saying, no, you're fucking this asshole in his asshole. So you're fucking this asshole. Her husband. In his asshole. There you go. Wow. That is deep, man.

It is pretty deep, but I really don't appreciate the language. Watch your profanity. That's amazing. I love hearing that when they use Americanisms and pornography. It's so fantastic. Darling, no. Yeah. And you could tell, like there's some of them, obviously they really have their English

down, but some of them are really trying and it's just a few. They're like, yes, make fuck. Make fucking someday. Push my ass. Yes. Yes. Yes. It's disturbing.

That's the one that they know to just, just repeat that. Did you know this? I had a meeting a few weeks ago with an executive here in town, a woman who happens to be a lesbian. Okay. And I don't know. We were talking about a bunch of things. Somehow pornography came up and she was like, oh, I love porn. Really?

I'm meeting. Yeah. At a meeting. Oh my God. Who does it? And I was like, I mean, I was cool. I was like, yeah. Yeah.

You know, I don't have any problem with it. Everybody enjoys some, some good porn. And she goes, yeah, you know what my favorite is? And I'm like, um, lesbians eating each other's boxes. I don't know. Clearly. And she goes, oh no, actually my favorite thing to watch is gay male porn. And I was like, hold on a second.

What? And she was like, you didn't know that lesbians watched that a lot? And I was like, no, of course not. And she was like, yeah, it's very common among lesbians to watch gay male porn. And I was like, how does it arouse you? Or you watch it like as a gag? And she was like, no, it's very arousing. And I go, how is that possible?

You're exactly saying what I said to her and she was like, well, what I, what we really like about it, what I like about it is how, um, into it they are, like they're so passionate about it. And I was like, yeah, but what about the fact that it's dudes? And she was like, oh, that doesn't matter. And I was like, doesn't that break the lesbian? Like, you know, it does kind of make sense because I like watching two chicks. You do or don't?

I do. Yeah. But you like girls though. Exactly. But maybe it's the opposite. What about dudes? You want to watch dudes? Not at all.

You don't want to watch dudes? Oh, my gosh. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. That sounded like he just missed the pun. Oh, man. Ned Flanders.

Um, dude on dude sex is, to me, the most repugnant of all porn. Yeah. It's just hard to, it's hard to watch balls slapping into assholes. But you know, I have a friend, a straight female friend who shall remain nameless. Yeah. Who loves gay male porn. But do you think she likes it for a woman, but she's a straight woman, but it doesn't make sense for me.

Like I don't like seeing dudes kiss really or doing that. Here's how much I don't want to watch gay porn for that audio. I didn't pull gay porn. I just pulled, I pulled straight porn and I just edited the part where the guys were coming. You know what I don't like, and this is going to sound so stupid, but I don't even like it in television shows where people, French, straight people, French, Frenching makes me so uncomfortable and up close, like on TV or I don't like open mouth kissing period.

Like I don't like looking at it. No, like watching like when they, when there's a couple and they, they lead someone goes like with the open mouth lead. Yeah. Now that's pretty rough sometimes. Yeah. What about you? I'm, well, the gay porn, I'm not a big fan of the two guys.

I'm not a big fan of that. Um, I don't know, like anything else, I'll watch it, but there's, you know, I don't watch a lot of porn. Yeah. I just don't because it, I'm a big story guy and there's never a story. I want a story. Are you serious? You're the guy?

You're the guy that has created the storylines for us. No, no, no, no, no, no. Like I love when I watch a film, I like story and there's never story there and it just it drives me nuts because you're the guy. I'm saying who watches, who would watch a porn and be like, I'm not going to fast forward this lead in because I'm not going, I'm not going to go right to the sex. I want to see what the setup is. What kind of story is going on?

I would just, I would appreciate a little story really just a little bit. Now, how do you feel about, because this genre has taken off in the last few years exploded and I've actually never went and purchased them, but I know about their existence and that is the porn parodies of successful films has really taken, like they spend real money on it now. Those are huge. Do you like those? You know, I watch little clips of my, I can't sit through a whole thing because

they're really like the acting's bad, they're bad, but I do love the titles. The titles are the best on golden blonde. I remember as a kid, like I must have been probably elementary school or junior high and just when I heard that, when I read that, I thought that's hysterical. Did we not introduce you yet? I just realized that how fucking retarded are we? Yeah, you know, why didn't you at least help us out and be like, Hey, maybe you should introduce me.

I'm just here for the ride. And I thought maybe my voice was enough that people would realize. Guys, guys, listeners, check it out. We have, we're very, very fortunate to have in our presence. And so it's a rare treat because a lot of times you go, Oh, I know who that is. I think that it's this guy or that guy. And you wonder, is it, is it somebody who's been here before? Can you figure it out by the voice who's been here before?

Right. And you wonder, is it somebody that I feel has been in the mommy dome? The answer is no. It's not, you've never, ever heard this person before in here. And it is the one and only Tommy Lee Jones. That's right. How you doing? So Oscar award-winning.

Tommy Lee Jones, everybody. You like the fugitive? I love the fugitive. It was a good role for me. I enjoyed it. Didn't you win an Oscar for that? I did. I did.

Wow. Speaking of the Oscars, I hated the Oscars this year. They took that shot of me. Yeah. Made me look like I was a bad person or something because of the golden globes. Right. It was the gold. You're right.

It was the golden globes. It was not the Oscars. It was not the Oscars. You get, you go to so many, you probably just can't remember. You can't remember. I loved also, uh, no horses for old countries that you were in. Oh, I hate horses too. Yeah.

It was great. That was, that was fantastic. I heard your agency sued you or something. They always try to sue Tommy Lee. Yeah. You know how I am. Do you live on a ranch? Many ranches.

Many, many ranches. I'm a big fan of you. She's so stupid. Guys, it's John Moore. He's a very talented, well done. Impressionist, impressionist, writer, um, philanthropist, philanthropist, comic, horse lover. Um, do you do stand up ever?

I used to. Yeah. Years and years ago and in high school, I would do it. You did it in high school. Now in what city? Lexington, Kentucky, comedy on Broadway. That's still around, right? It's comedy off Broadway now.

And then I did a, there's a club in Huntington Huntsville. I want to work out with them. Can't remember where'd you go to college? I went to David Lipscomb University. That's a big school. I've never heard of. Yeah. It's a big name.

You've never heard of. It's a small school. It's in Nashville. Oh, so Nashville. Great. I just went for the first time this year. I'd never been there. Oh, did you get the chicken I told you about?

Did you go there? No, man. I know. But you know how it is? It look on the road, I get the, I love food. I get the best food recommendations. If that place you recommend is not in walking distance of the hotel. Or on the same block or in the lobby, it's not going to happen.

Let me tell you, I just, a new level of laziness when you're on the road. I've already gotten so many recommendations for Portland and Seattle. I'm like, I hope that shit's right on the block that we're staying on. Dude, that place is not in walking distance of where you're performing. Like I lived in Nashville for over 10 years. I didn't even know about it until after I left. What? Yeah, I saw it on TV.

I'm like, wait a minute, that's in Nashville. It's called Prince's Hot Chicken. It is no joke. It, like it looks like regular fried chicken. So hot. And, and like, if you get the mild, your mouth is going to be burning. And if you get the hot, forget about it. And they won't even sell the extra hot to white people.

Really? You can't. If you're, if you're a white person, you order the extra hot. They're like, no, you can't handle it. Wow. How can your race determine what type of heat you can handle in your mouth? Hey, they're making the chicken. They know.

They know. And it's open to like four a.m. It's in a part of town where you probably don't want to be. Yeah. But I tell you, that is the worst decision when you're drunk and you're like, I got to eat some spicy hot chicken or in the morning. Could you imagine waking up? Did they serve that's for your benefit?

Oh, they serve it on white bread. They just set the pieces on white bread. So it's soaked all that in. That's what you feel at the next day. You definitely feel it. For sure. I feel like, what was the, uh, there's a place in Kansas City that somebody took me to at like three in the morning.

And it was not like there are people, a lot of yelling in the parking lot. Yeah. A lot of there you go. A lot of, uh, very similar to your, um, Cleveland, uh, to your Cleveland experience of just, uh, people yelling out in the parking lot. You know, it's so funny. Wait, sorry. So you went to Kansas City, somewhere like that.

Yeah. And they took me in here's, it was a small place like 10 tables kind of thing. You wait, their specialty was one of their hash browns was specialty because you get like a breakfast food and then they made homemade cinnamon rolls there. Get the fuck out of here. That's open to like three or four in the morning. So let me see if, is this me right here? Um, there's a place in San Francisco on Devisadero called my brother-in-law's

or brother-in-law's barbecue. That's what it's called. Yeah. Brother-in-law's and you stand in a line, my brother-in-law's brother in life and, uh, it's, it's black owned and they chastised you. It's one of those places where they're like, what you want? Why a girl? And you're like, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come in here.

I didn't even know where I was. Yeah. And then if you order too much, they'll tell you like, no, you can't have all that. Like they're, they're real shitty to you, but it's delicious. Maya, do you know that Maya Angelo does not curse, no profanity. She won't even allow it in her home. Maya Angelo. And she'll, it's Angelo.

I just watched her on Oprah's Super Soul Sundays. Okay. I know a little bit more about her than you do now. I like when people, I like when people address situations like that. I know everything there is to know about her now guys. And she, she had somebody telling a racist joke in her home once and she could hear it across the street, across the street, across her house. And she walked over and she was like, is that your bag?

You can pick it up and leave. Cause I will not tolerate profanity in my house. And I was like, whoa, because they were telling a racist joke. She would hate hanging out with our friends. Yeah. Yeah. It was like a racially inappropriate joke. I don't know if it dropped.

I don't know if that person dropped an n-bomb was truly horrifically. Yeah. It just, she does not allow negative language or negative. That's, that's, she's, um, and she shouldn't cause she's Maya Angelo. She's Jesus on earth. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking she would hate standup comedy though.

She would hate comics. God, so inappropriate. But I feel like in her, like if I knew that she was within like a 12 block radius, I wouldn't curse or say anything offensive either. She's amazing. Yeah. She is amazing. I respect her, but I bet she would be horrible to hang out with.

Like you would not want to go, oh, wait, why do you think she'd be so bad? Have you been listening to the last few minutes? Yeah. No, she's not obvious, but she, she just looked like she would have no fun and it would be so serious. It would be very serious. We'd be talking about suffering. Yes.

And it's like, you know, did you see the game? Well, yeah. Right, right, right. No, but I would go to her. I'm saying I would want to spend time with her for that time where I'm like, I need some type of spiritual fuel right now. Yes. Fill me Yoda with your knowledge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't be like, Hey, it's Saturday night. What's up, Maya? Like I'm not talking, you know, she's not one to party with. No, but I want her to adopt me the way she adopted Oprah. Oprah, it's like her surrogate daughter. All right. Yeah, yeah.

Like I'd be one of my Angelo's kids because it would be great though. If you're having a bad day, things aren't going well. When you go, just everything sucks and she'd be like, See, Thomas, I want to talk not everything as you put it sucks. A bird have has many fortresses. Yes, Maya, I don't understand you. I think she would inspire me. See, I think I would go to the Dalai Lama if I could go.

Really? Yeah, he doesn't say much though. Oh, he's great. He's great. The Dalai Lama is awesome. How do you know he's so great? I've seen him several times. Really?

Really? In person? Yeah. He does like something like UCLA once and then at the Gibson. That's cool. And he's like a really, he's a funny dude. Like he's, he's happy. He's hearty.

Yeah. I didn't know he speaks. Yeah, I totally speak. I thought he just silent nods and shit. You think he just stares at you like Braco? What's his name? But that's so, yeah. Stare guy?

Yeah, but that's what just looks at you. No, he just, he like, he laughs and like he's, he's got this great smile. He speaks English? Yeah, it's broken. Like it's bad English. Like he'll, he'll, like he'll talk slow. Yeah. Talk American.

Exactly. Where are you buddy? But he's like, he's inspiring and he's like, he's a peaceful man. He's just, he'll sit there and he'll answer questions and, you know, people will ask these serious questions and it'll give funny answers sometimes. Like he's, yeah, I would recommend seeing the Dalai Lama. I'm gonna write that down. Wow.

You just inspired me. Yeah. How do you spell Yama? Is it two L's? The Dalai Yama? I think it's one. It's one L. And I think he's about to hang it up or if he hasn't.

Yeah, there's a new one. They already have the new one. They already have a new one. Yeah. That's so weird. I got that thought behind that for a second. He's, the new one is going to be, is like, um, like the Eddie Murphy movie. It's a little kid.

That's how they're chosen. Right, right. It's a little, it's the, um, the chosen one. What's it called? It's Will Smith's son. Right. Jaden. He's the, they're chosen.

The Emancipation Proclamation. What is up with that? I just saw him like, please tell me, why, why is he doing that funny? You should ask, uh, because I have the article right here. Oh, please inform me. Please inform me. Okay.

So here's the, this is from yesterday. The story has changed a bit. It says, Will Smith and his son, Jaden Smith are clearing up Emancipation rumors following a report that Jaden 14 was looking to become legally free from his parents, the father son duo, who are also after earth co-stars set the records trade on the Ellen DeGeneres show. Well, that's where you want to go. So Ellen says, I just heard you're trying to become emancipated.

Is that right? And here's the answer this kid gave. This is the fucking most bullshit show business answer. See, here's the thing that you need to understand. I'm not going anywhere. Jaden says, doesn't that sound a little bit like his mom? You know, she's really annoying. Uh, the thing that people don't get is everything at this house is free.

So I can get anything and everything at this house. So I'm going to be there 20, 30 more years. He continued. Well, that doesn't sound like a bunch of bullshit, huh? You know what this is? This is a publicity thing for the movie. Is that right? Is this have to do with emancipation or something?

You just want to get some more press where the movie comes out. You're definitely right. That's all it is. Because I mean, I don't know a lot about Will Smith. I know a little bit about him, but I can't imagine he'd be the type that the kids would, I got to leave. This is too. Oh, really?

I think they're monsters. Oh, I think that that has to be one of the most unbearable, uh, egotistical, narcissistic show business families. You may be right there, but I guess what I'm thinking is, you know, when you hear about these emancipation cases, it's usually because the parents are sucking the child's money from them. Oh, sure. I can't imagine Will and Jada having to do that.

It might not be a money thing. I think it's that that kid really has grown up. So yeah, he's an adult like anybody else. Close up and not only to grow up like around like the two star parents, he himself became a star, but his like, if you were a normal child star, you would be a child star and your parents would be regular people. And you'd be the one who's like, Oh, like, you know, I guess this is how you act. He grew up, became a star with a superstar parent.

So I think he equates himself, his level of fame. He's like, I'm just like my dad. And so I need to be out. Well, they made him, they pushed him in. This is why I don't like the Smith, the sorry, Jada Pinkett Smith, whatever family. They think that their, the Will Smith sperm and Jada Pinkett Smith's egg are so goddamn sacred. They are so talented that every, every piece of Will Smith sperm that

meets her egg must become show business. And it's disgusting to watch them push their kids into this terrible fucking business. I can say it. FN business. It's disgusting. Would you, would you ever, Tommy, if we have a child, push that kid into show this is the last fucking place.

I mean, once they can speak and talk, here you go, kid. Here's this, here's a cane start dancing. I think with them, I don't mind them pushing the kids into it because, you know, they, it's not like if they fail, they're going to be poor. They're taking care of it for life anyway. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, who cares? I know, but it ruins their little egos.

It ruins, it's ruined just by being who they are. Like they're horrible people just because of what happened, horrible people. That's terrible. But they're like, you know, they're affected just because of who they are. So I gotta say, I mean, I hope this is not too offensive to say, but Will Smith is the type of guy that I think wears loose jeans. Oh, wait a minute, what kind? Low, loose jeans.

And you know what I think too? I think they're light washed denim. They're not even like dark denim. They're dad washed light blue denim. That's as rude a thing as I can say about somebody. I hate that. I hope he gets emancipated. I hope he gets out of that house.

I would too. I would. Um, John, you wrote one of the funniest things we've seen. I don't know if our audience is aware, but you were a writer, creator, right? I was the executive producer and writer. I was there since the beginning, but the Joe Schmo show. Yes, which I thought was so hilarious to the listeners that don't know the show. It is a reality show in which competition style, let's say in the vein of a

like a what is it like a survivor type, big brother type format. But the thing is that everybody in the house is an actor, except for one guy. And that one guy doesn't know that everything is being done for him. Thinks it's all real things. It's all real. And this in the show follows these ridiculous storylines that somehow you go, they, you, they sell them. They're, they're in line with what you've seen on other reality shows, but

they're more, they're more ridiculous. And when you see somebody acting them out and you know, it's an actor, you're like, how is this ever real? Yeah, you know, it's so funny because I got put the, you know, this season, they were competing for a job to be a bounty hunter, which is ridiculous. It's so ridiculous. And so I had one of the characters, like Marley Matlin has always fascinated me with her interpreter that dude, I'm so glad you're bringing this up because I

was going to bring this up. I mean, he just makes me laugh. So I'm like, okay, we got to have a deaf contestant. Yes. And she was amazing. But, you know, we, we already sold it and we've gotten, we've gotten it approved with the stories and everything. And I turn on MasterChef and they have a blind contested on MasterChef.

Yeah. She won. How do you cook blind? You cut your fingers off things. You know, it was funny because she had an assistant who could tell her what the food was, but she couldn't say like, okay, it's brown on top or, you know, she had to do it all by timing and she was great too. Like she, could she say, could the girl tell her, could the assistant

whoever say, uh, like if she reaches, she goes, that's carrots. Like, yeah, I think she can do that. Yeah, absolutely. But Joe, but how could she, could she could have do her own cutting? I'm assuming like I'm prepping. No, she definitely, wow. That's awesome. It's amazing, right?

It's so amazing. But the show, man, and I got to say kudos to you, to these amazing storylines, the writers on the show, you guys all wrote hilarious, hilarious stuff, and the actors were so good, man. They were so good. Oh man, those actors, that was, you know, it's the third time we've done it. And that's right. Cause it was a way for a while, right?

We were going eight years, you can't do it a lot. Cause then people will figure it out. But, uh, as you know, and Kristen Wiig was on the first season. Kristen Wiig was on the first season. That was her first big show. And, uh, but this cast from top to bottom, I think is the most talented cast as a whole that we, yeah, I mean, they were ridiculous. And how fucking great was Lorenzo Lamas?

Oh my God. You got to get him in here. He'll totally come in and do it. Really? Let's get him. Totally. He's doing stand up now. What?

Yes. Wow. I loved his banana hammock sales pitch though. And then it was so funny. To people that haven't seen it. Cause I really, we really, really love the show. Can people watch that show somewhere now? You know, I really don't know.

Be honest with it. Tony, EPR you. Well, it's over, you know, it's done. Yeah. So I'm sure you can somewhere. I think, uh, it's not who maybe Netflix, but I feel like there's spike.com. You can probably still watch it and that kid, the schmo. So good.

Was he, he was, seemed so sincere. They always are. He's the best human being I've ever met. Really? It's ridiculous. You know, I was a little upset at first because, you know, we had the cast bring their comfort items and I remember that, you know, we had a model and she was showing her modeling portfolio.

And the picture started up pretty tame and then they just got to full beef. Yeah. And you know, we kind of wanted to see what, how we reacted. He just, he would see it and then turn away. And then in his interviews, he was like, you know, I know my mom's going to be watching and my wife and I don't want to do anything that'll make them, you know, think I'm somebody. I'm not like, every time something sexual came up, he would leave the room or turn.

You know, we had a chick doing jumping jacks in heels, topless chick doing jumping jacks right in front of him. And he's just kind of looking away. Jesus. He's so sweet. I remember the very first Joe Schmo show and the guy that they picked for the first Joe Schmo, I remember just being on like tender hooks. Like when they tell this guy, he's going to be super pissed, right?

And he wasn't, he was like the nicest guy to you. Like, I think that's prerequisite for being the mark on these shows is you kind of have to be a really good person. Yeah, on this, on this show, particularly it is, cause we don't want people who want to be on a reality show. You know, if you, if you like want to be on a reality show, we're probably not going to cast you. Yeah.

And it's got to be somebody that the viewer is going to pull for, like you want them to win. Now, one thing I did miss on this one was the reveal. How, how did I didn't see the reveal? Dude. Did it amazing? So good. Now, before the first one, really?

Yeah, I mean, it, before the reveal, I mean, you give us, I know on the show, there'll be little insight, little clips, like they'll show the production trailer. You guys, when you're like, oh, shit, like, what's something's about to go wrong? Did you have, there's got to be like real, oh, shit moments for you internally. When you're like, fuck, cause the whole show can fall apart. Right? Constantly, you're constantly worried about it. And the reveal is like the biggest moment ever, because that's when he finds out

all these people that he's become friends with, that he's formed personal relationships with, not real. Yeah, they are not real. And it, you know, it's a big thing to take in. And if you're not the right person, it could really mess you up. But he took it. He took it phenomenal. And it was great because we had Lorenzo Lamas win.

Yeah. And so he, he, you know, he was, he was really dejected because he lost. Like the Joe was. Yeah, cause he, he thought he lost and he was super dejected. And Lamas, man, one of my favorite lines of the season and just the way he delivers it, you know, when we get to the part where it's like, somebody here is an actor, you know, raise your hand if you're an actor. Lorenzo raises his hand and raps like, no Lorenzo, I mean a real actor.

It was so, so funny. That's hilarious. Lamas, the first time I met him, uh, we were kind of pitching the show and see if he was into it. He, it was such a Lamas thing to do. He was, uh, leaving the next day for Turkey to do some club openings. He's like, yeah, I haven't been to Turkey since I filmed the love boat. And you're like, oh man, that's so love us.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's perfect for that guy. He's the nicest guy. He's super funny. Like he's a great improv actor. He was great.

He was great on that. I mean, I, I love the, um, I think it was the first episode when he's like, when your guy gets like the master bedroom, yeah, I think I belong. I'm more used to stuff like this. Like that whole thinking of like, I'm more like used to nice stuff. I think I would be more comfortable here and your Joe's like, all right. Yeah. Give it to him.

Yeah. I'd say it was the most, one of the most frustrating things about that show is that seems Lorenzo worked on it with him for like, you know, 15 minutes in the, in the bathroom, which ends up getting cut down to like 45 seconds and it goes back to him the later and Lorenzo was just throwing these brilliant lines. And, you know, we just don't have room to show it all. I want everybody to see everything, but you can't do it. It's so funny.

Yeah. It's a good show. Now, um, are you working on any shows that we can talk about or no? Not that we can talk about, but yet, but all I want to make sure is that you're employed. I'm employed for now, for now. And it's not, it's not Josh. Everyone's thinking, oh, you can't talk about it. He's doing nothing.

Wait, why did you stop doing stand up? Cause you're, I don't know why'd you stop? I didn't, I didn't like the idea of having to spend eight, 10 years going from club to club. I was like, so much fun. You know, when, when you get to a certain level, I'm sure it is, but it's like, yeah, I wonder what that level is like. Keep going.

Uh, but I was like, you know, I'd rather just write it and make TV and well, you're good at it, man. You're very good at it. Try, try. Um, wait, wait, what's your Twitter real quick so we can at Jay Holland Moore. At Jay Holland Moore. It's age, not Tommy Lee Jones.

Don't not. At Jay Holland Moore. Okay. And that's two L's, two L's and two O's, two O's. Okay. Um, I'm at Tom Segura, Christina's at Christina P. One thing that I tweeted today is my, I tweeted my very first headshot. Oh, I haven't seen it yet.

Have you seen it? No, we're, it's a real panty drop or be careful. You might not even be able to handle it. I don't think you're going to, you're not ready for this. I know he's not. Let's, I want to get your genuine reaction. This is my very first headshot. That's always great.

Oh, shut up. Shut. That's not, is that you? That's me. Shut up. That is, that's not you. That's me. Is that Tommy?

That's, that's what he looked like back in the day. Dude, you were, you were almost as handsome as you are now. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah. Stone cold box. You still are boo boo. I'll do that one.

You can see the name on that one. Wow. Yeah. Good clean living. I actually, this is 25 years ago, of course. Well, were you 12 there? Yeah. 12.

I actually got a, I think what could be a lesson in karma from Twitter. Cause you know, I, I tweet a lot of pictures of you as a bear. Yes, you do. It makes me laugh every time. Yeah. And I got kind of that treatment on Facebook and it was horrible. You, oh really? What happened?

It broke you up. I shouldn't even tell you. Tell me. And I'll show you the picture. Okay. You know, I know I'm not a handsome man, but you know, I have a personality. I'm, I'm happy and ladies. I'm generous several ways.

Are you cooking some right now? Are you cooking some puss on the side? No, no, I have no game. I can't cook anything. So a friend. So cute. Posted, I took one of my photos from Facebook and did a side by side separated at birth.

Oh, with, oh show me, show me, show me. It's so mean. It can't be. Oh my God. Yeah. And you know, when I first saw it, I was like, I don't think he looks like me. Oh no. And then read the comments.

And then, and then there's, I was like, oh, that's funny. It doesn't really look like me. Then start reading the comments. I'm like, oh, I'm crashed now. Okay. Come. Okay. So we got to tell our listeners.

Yeah. So that, uh, that it's a Ariel Castro, a Cleveland kidnapper. Oh, I know. Um, and most of these people that comment, I don't know. So Barley corn. Yeah. It wasn't my colleague's nickname. Um, that's a good one at least.

Go Johnny, go, go, go Johnny, go Johnny, be good. Is this what you're talking about? No, those are the comments I see there. Oh, you're looking at the wrong picture. Oh, okay. You're looking on that one. Sorry. You got to look on the, uh, on the aerial photo.

Yeah. Okay. I can see you. Okay. Doppelganger. Somebody I don't know. Yikes. Yep.

I thought that too. And that, that's what killed me that I thought that too. Like that's like, so it's premeditated. Like sitting around discussing this, like everyone thought that when they saw the picture. Oh my God. Isn't that tragic? Plus, John, look at the bright side.

You got your Halloween costume covered for free strangers. Wow. Oh no. Yeah. I see it. I see you. I see it. Brutal.

I see a little bit. Maybe, maybe the shape. Being a bear ain't so bad. After all, well, yeah, I'd much rather be a bear. Um, holy shit, man. Yeah, I've only ever gotten, uh, I've gotten Martha Plimpton. You remember her from Pairhead? Yeah.

I can kind of see that. You know, that's a stretch, man. The funny thing was the last time something like this happened. Well, it's not the last time it happens quite a bit, but I did one of those websites where you put your picture. Oh no. Swear, I'm not lying. Uday Hussain with a bullet in his head.

Not kidding. It was so awful. And just, just recently, when we were doing the Schmo, a camera man, like everyone knows I'm the executive producer. Yeah. A camera man comes up to me and goes, dude, you know who you look just like. And I didn't want to hear it. I'm like, okay, who?

Cause I mean, it's, dude, you could play him in a movie. Who? Alfred Hitchcock. Oh my God. Like, dude, you realize who I am? No. Wait, wait. Can I do a profile picture for that one?

Yeah. Let's do that. That's fantastic. It's awful. That is hilarious. Now they just did a film with him and who played him in that HBO one. Do you want to talk about that? Alfred Hopkins.

Is that, what's in there? And it was Anthony Hopkins. Is that his name? No. Anthony Hopkins did play him in one of the movies. They just did one with Anthony Hopkins. Yeah. Okay.

Sorry. And they did one. But there's another actor who did it too. Cause they're like, of course, the year that they release an Alfred Hitchcock movie about him, they released three. Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck?

But one, I am not going near a caricature artist ever. Oh, oh my God. That would be just the worst. That's hilarious, dude. Hey, did you hear about this? This was sent to me. I got it. I have some audio for this too.

Okay. So a woman, an American Airlines pilot was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger refused to stop singing Whitney Houston's hit song, I will always say, that's the best thing I've ever heard on a flight from LA to New York. Oh, my God. And her crewing became way too much for the passengers and staff on the flight. So the pilot was forced to change course and land in Kansas city so that she could be escorted from the plane because she would not stop singing.

Would you like to hear some of the audio? I would love to. Thank God there is. Now, you will hear that the flight attendants are making announcements to tell people to stop photographing and put their cameras on, but it's pretty. This is when she's being removed from the plane. Oh, no one's taking photos. Oh, shit.

Can you imagine if that was what somebody was doing in the seat next to you or the seat behind you? So destroy. Now, when did she start though? Did she start before they took off? No, shortly after takeoff. Oh, what a. She did it on purpose.

She was what she was doing. Why would she do that? Yeah, what's the utility in that? I think for this, for the attention. You think? Yeah, sure. Or mental illness. Or just maybe people don't recognize, you know, her skills.

Pretty good. I couldn't listen to that for a flight for a five hour flight. But you know what I could listen to? I have a really good idea of what you can listen to for that long. Oh, where'd it go? I fucking lose these all the time. Another impression right there. You did it right there.

That was really good. I really can't find them. The thing is, he does it for a five hour flight. He doesn't do it for a second. When I first heard this, I thought it was just a loop of him doing it once. Then when he breaks it, so good, so good. He's really unbearable, unbearable. Well, God, no, no, on the bottom.

What? That is a multi platinum artist right there. This guy's a multi millionaire. Tom Tom Tom Did you imagine if this guy was sitting next to you on the plane? I would be super amused. I would love it if a guy was doing this on the on the plane. I would let him do it for five hours.

There you go. It sounds like he's punching. It's like a video, like a workout. Bow, bow, bow. You know, I fucking five hours, though. I took a red eye on Thanksgiving. You know, you're just trying to get home for the holidays. And there was stevo was on my flight.

Whoa. And this has been years ago, not clean stevo. Drunk stevo. Oh, shit. He was yelling the entire flight. That's fun. Just nonsense. I'm trying to sleep.

I wanted to like, I didn't know it was stevo. Yeah. At first, I'm like, who is this? I won't just got a shit like it. And I get off the plane. I'm looking for where it came from, stevo. How not surprising is that? Oh, not at all.

Jesus Christ. I will say that that Whitney Houston song, probably one of the most difficult songs to sing. I can't think of. That's a tough song. You're 100% right. I can't think of a song that's more difficult to hit that note. That is tough.

Did you ever see the Chinese, the little Chinese fat boy who went on Apollo? Yes. You saw it? Yeah. He really hits the notes. He can do that. That's tough.

It's tough to hit the fucking, the notes. Tough. Do you think that they broke into applause when she was off the plane? I bet you they did. I bet you that play was like, I love when an aircraft's like, fuck that shit, man. I bet every single one of them did.

I wonder how much of the plane. Like how much of the delay did that cause? Oh. That would drive me nuts. If you had a New York meeting, do you know how upset you would be about that? So upset. And to tell that story, we landed in fucking Kansas City.

We're here three hours late because of fucking Whitney Houston. You know, I don't think it's that hard to get kicked off a plane and have that happen to you. I know somebody who was just giving the stewardess some static, like just a little, a slight bit of back talk, and they'll fucking throw you off. They will. I've seen it on a flight I was on.

For real? Uh-huh. That where they land already? No. We were on the, we were, we were away from the gate. So we were going to take off. And we, we didn't go back to the gate. We went, we moved away from like the takeoff sort of terminal.

We were on a smaller regional plane, stopped right there, fucking open the jet door, stairs go down, cops came on board, removed a woman. She was the one who was getting kicked off, but she had her husband and her two kids with her. But the reason she got kicked off is because she mouthed off to a flight attendant who told her something about like,

she was going to breastfeed and she was like, why don't you just go, um, why don't you just worry about pouring drinks while I'm doing this? And don't tell me like, and the flight attendant was like, you just, yeah, you know, I'm not going to, I don't remember exactly. Well, that sounds like she was being helpful. Yeah. Yeah.

And that flight attend, well, the thing is the people go, well, why can't she stay that? Because then the flight attendants worry about, what if I give this person a command midair and they don't obey what I'm saying? Because they're already combative. Yes. Shitty.

Yes. Interesting. Well, I'm surprised they, uh, that they let drunks on planes because I've been on airports and airport flights where there's a large party of just hammered retards. The morning, come on in. You're like, why are you letting them on this fucking plane right now, dude? The morning drinking is always astounded.

That's my favorite. Yeah. Yeah. The people who are like, you're on a seven a.m. flight and they're just like fucking gin and tonic, man. Oh, yeah. Seven a.m. Let's start pounding.

Boy, Burt does that. Yeah. Burt pounds so many drinks. And he also pounds them at the airport before the flight. That's crazy. Yeah. It's so crazy. Not on vacation or anything.

Not like, oh, we're on our way to Cabo for a weekend of fun. This is every flight. Yeah. Every flight. And you know, that guy, he'll probably live another three or four years. At least. At least. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Wrong. I was going to say. I was like, wait a minute. Are we doing this? Is that really happening? Uh-oh. We don't.

We don't know you well enough. If the words aren't giant, you know. Wow. Plotting on a fur coat. That's what I bet it looks like. Oh, my God. Well, this is serious music because this is your first time in the mommy dome. It is.

As you know, we like to have our first time guests give us a complete dental history, a dental update. So, what's your dental history? 00:50:06,240 --> 00:50:07,760 You guys are going to love this. Oh, please. And I can't believe I'm sharing this. I've got a messed up grill.

It doesn't seem that way, just so you know. But I try to hide it the best I can. All right. I grew up in the south. Kentucky. Kentucky. My parents didn't have a ton of money. Yeah.

You know, we weren't poor by any means, but we, you know, we had a nice house, but everything went to that. So dentistry was not a big thing with us. Okay. I went to the dentist for my first time in fifth grade. Asked me when the next time I went to the dentist was. John, when was the next time you went to your dentist? Or to the dentist after fifth grade?

About a year ago. Wow. This is a huge update. Now I was so scared. I don't blame you. Slightly so. Yeah. How did that visit go?

It was interesting. I told them up front and said, look, this is going to be a problem. But I got issues. We got to get in there and I had to have a tooth pulled. Okay. And I want us a bunch of feelings. I can't remember how many. How many is a bunch of products?

12? I don't know if it's that many, but it was three visits. They didn't, you know, it took several visits. Wow. To do it. But that's not so bad after a lifetime of no visits. Yeah. And the thing that really made me happy was there was no pain.

Like good. And I always thought the dentistry was like so painful, but there was nothing. Like he pulled and drilled and did all kinds of things. I never felt it. It was the best. That's great. Well, there you go.

And I bought a water pick a couple of weeks ago. Wow. Wait a minute. So John, let's walk through this now. Had you flossed all this time? I can't floss. Okay. Can't floss.

That's why I bought the water picked. Okay. What does it bother you about floss? My teeth are so tight. They're so tight that it, it just, it hurts. It's very painful. Okay. Now I got to say, you look like you have a nice smile.

Yeah, I would never have known this. I never smile with my teeth. Really? They look great. I would never have guessed. It's a dimly lit room. But yeah, the water, you guys have a water pick? Do you use it?

No, no. We're flossers. Holy mackerel. You got to get a water pick. Really? Tell us. It's so amazing. It's just like floss.

It just shoots the water through it and it's powerful. In fact, I've only got up to level three using it and it goes all the way up to nine. I just did it on my hands. So it's just like flossing? Yeah. It's, the water jets shoot through your teeth and around the gump, it gets, it's awesome. And it's kind of fun when you've had a big meal and you go in there and use it and you see like, it's a food and steak and stuff.

Oh, it's so exciting. It shoots right back into your mouth though, right? The food? No, the water shoots it out because you keep your mouth open and it comes out the bottom. But the guy, when he sold it to me, because like, I would have started on nine. You know, I'm that kind of man. Sure. Going right to the top.

Fuck yeah, you are. He goes, be careful with this. If you go too far, it can put a hole in your gum. I'm like, what? So, and it's powerful. I use nine on my hand and it's stung. Like there's no way. Really?

Yeah, there's no way you could ever get that high. Now, my concern is the temperature of the water because I have sensitive to temperature teeth. I do too. Okay. So, I just make sure the water is warm when I put it in there. Oh, you can control that is what you're saying. When you fill the reservoir up before you start, you just start with warm water.

I want to get you. Oh, I want to get you love. Are you on a dating site? No. No? What, John? What the fuck, man? I have a lot of issues.

This is why I'm not and I will tell you why. I know it's stupid, but I remember in Nashville when these things first started coming out, I was working on a show and like two of the hot chicks came in the office and I'm like, you got to see this. You got to see this. And they pulled up the dating site of one of the crew members and they just started railing on him. I'm like, that's just cruel though.

That's cruel. But like, I think, oh, that's going to happen to me. No. Can I tell you something else though? I'll put up Ariel Castro's photo. You can't help that you look like Ariel Castro. I can't. But first of all, when did that happen?

What year was that? I would say 2004. Okay. It's been a long time. That's what I'm saying. That's almost 10 years ago. And 10 years ago, it was more of a... Stigmatized.

It was stigmatized and people did mock that because they figured it was just the most desperate of the desperate finding each other. That is no longer the case. Yeah, that seems pretty smart. And I know people have gotten married that way. I do too. And I know a lot of people who have had success and have success going out and dating. It's all about your time.

00:55:01,280 --> 00:55:08,400 It's providing a service for you that cuts out a lot of the bullshit instead of walking into a place or waiting to be introduced. That's essentially how you meet the best people. It's just a forum for you to be able to do that on your own. You should definitely sign up for it, man. See, my problem is I have no game. I'm a nice guy.

But that's why you should do it. I can't be a jerk to people. You don't have to be. No, you don't. No, you don't. Look at Tommy Segura on me. He was probably a jerk in you. No, no, never.

But I did have that pretty good look in me. Well, that's true. You did have that headshot in your pocket. Yeah. What's up? I have a friend who got married and she was having a horrible first date. She wasn't into the dude. And when he left, he was really awkward.

And instead of giving her a hug or a kiss, he just gives her a back high five as he's walking. And it confused. She was like, what is that? And it made her want him more. They're married today, two kids. We'll see. Drop of loads.

He was being rude by accident. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, the nights that I've had them, like I've had some success and and it's, I was like, I wonder how that happened. And then I went back and thought about it. And there was one night I was calling the girl, introducing her to friends by the wrong name.

I didn't realize it. I thought I knew her name and I didn't. I just calling her the wrong name. And then she's giving me her number. Really accidental rudeness. Yeah. You know what it is? I don't know if it's, I don't know if it's necessarily cruelness,

but it's aloofness, like, like Jackie Oh, aloof and mysterious. And that's always attractive. Someone that doesn't give a shit. Well, yeah, what you can't do, what you can't do is when you start going out with somebody, okay, if you date somebody, if you go out on a date, particularly if you're the guy,

actually it goes both ways. But if you're a guy and you're, you go out with an attractive woman on the first date, two dates, three dates, you can't be like, I'm just so happy to be out with you. And I'm so whatever you, and I'm saying, and like essentially kiss ass. If you kiss ass to anybody,

but particularly if you're like, oh, I'm really like this person and you show it so much, that's not going to get you anywhere. But you don't have to be a dick. No, that's fine. That's great. I love that. But you can't just be like, whatever you want,

whatever you want. Yeah, let me know. If you're that like, that type of overexcited, you got to tone that back. That's it. You know what it might be too? It's sexual energy because women are the prey and men are the predator.

So if the predator doesn't act as a predator and the relationship is switched, if you're slightly effeminate or we sense that, at least with me per se, I shouldn't speak for all women, if I sense that I can dominate over a guy or push him around emotionally, I'm not talking physically. It's a turnout.

Like with you, you were, you would never let me and you still don't. Like if I'm rude or something, you know, you kind of put me in my place. Like just a quick slap to the face. Maybe you slap my breasts. Let me know that I'm not doing this right. But you respect that.

Quick correction. Yeah. Like you like it. You like it. I like that you, you push back. Yes. I think that's a necessity. That's for you.

For a woman to have respect for a dude. Yeah, I've been in a lot of friendzone situations. Sure, man. You can't get out of that. No, you can't. You know the best thing to do when the friendzone happens? Yeah. What do you do?

Leave. Get the fuck out. I agree. Get out. Absolutely. Stop hanging out with her. Absolutely. Stop texting.

Stop emailing. So I shouldn't kill them. Well, you can do that too. Okay. I wish I wish 34 year old me could go revisit 14 year old me though. Oh, what would you tell 14 year old me? Dude. I would tell 14 year old me not to be so excited.

And like, you know, like I'm telling to be more aloof. It's going to be cool. You're going to crush so much more tail. If you just dial it back a little bit. We confuse, I mean the terms, you know, we're saying nice. I was very nice, but like I also would. I was also just feared rejection so much for so much that I would not make, you know, let me tell you about the first date I had in college.

Yeah. Oh my goodness. This was horrible. I didn't like, you know, I got some vibe from this girl. I didn't really like her, but you know, it just been just gotten to campus and like wanted to just go out and have fun. Yeah. You know, I pick her up and she mentioned she's hungry and we're going to see a movie.

And it was the worst movie. It was that, that John Belushi biopic wired so bad. And it, you know, we left and we said, you want to go grab something? He goes, no, I'm not that hungry. So that was a sign. Number one, that it was a really bad one. I'm walking to class the next day. And you know, I was still doing comedy back then.

So I would listen to people around me and the two guys in front of me are having a conversation. They're like, Shannon had a date last night. I was like, uh-oh. He goes, finally. So I'm like, oh, that's even worse. Because yeah, horrible date, horrible date. It was me. I was right behind him.

Oh my God. Yeah, that's scary. Yeah, of course. That sucks. That's horrible that she would share that and in less than like, it was an early morning class. So that's before text messages. So it wasn't even like, it wasn't even like, oh, I wasn't into him.

It was like, she had to actively talk to people. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Well, you know what, fuck that bitch. Exactly. Oh man, what a day. She can suck it. Oh, oh, oh.

Watch your profanity. That pig can suck it. Because where is she now? Hopefully in a trailer park. Hopefully in a trailer park. That's what I do. Or in your fucking shed. Yeah, I bury them in trailer parks.

Yeah. So hopefully she hasn't been discovered and moved. Duck tape in your trunk. Hey, I want you all to go on a culinary journey with me. Where is that? Where? I was at, I see these things at these convenience stores. Yeah.

All the time. Okay. They look so disgusting. I've never tried them. Yeah. So I want to do this together. Yes. What do you got?

I have, this is at this last night. This is a burrito de mango. Have you ever had one of these? No. It's like a mango fruit wrap. Shaped like a burrito. How many did you get? Just one.

That looks like a one-way ticket to Diarrhea Town. Is that like one of those Mexican treats where it's dipped in chili? Yeah. Okay. All right. This is an LA treat. This is what you get from the ice cream truck. Hey, can I put this out there?

I've had this. I want to, I want to. Oh, it looks like human flesh. It looks like skin. This is going to be real crazy. It's Mexican. It's a burrito. You know what they used to have too?

It's like prunes dipped in chili. Yeah, I've seen those too. Yeah, those too. Those are, those are LA treats. Let's see. So sticky. Smell it. It smells like a farm.

Ew, it does. El Super Leon Burrito de Mango. Come on, let's do it together. All right, hold on, man. Oh, I think I've had this before. I want to know if it's possible. Okay, go, go, go. All right, ready?

Two, three. I hate it. I hate it. I get it out of my mouth immediately. Oh. Ew. Ow. Oh, man.

Oh, it's making me gag. It's making me gag. It's like salt. It's supposed to taste like mango, but it's super salty and burned. Are you happy, Ariel? That's what you did? That's how I get them in the house.

Do you like a burrito? See, wait a minute. But now I like the aftertaste. It's a burn. It comes with a burn. It's a smooth burn. Wait, now I kind of like it. I don't even know how to describe it.

I like the aftertaste. I really don't know what to say. You can't eat a lot of it. The guy, like we had two flavors, and I, I found the guys, oh, you like these. I love these. Look at it.

I get the right one. Oh, you got the right flavor. That's better than that. Ew. Okay. I want to ask this. Thank you for bringing that, John. I went on a run a couple of days ago.

It was on Wednesday. You're right. Was it Wednesday? I don't even remember what day it is now. No, it was Tuesday. It was Tuesday, a couple of days ago. Two miles. You know, if it's cold,

if you're like running the cold and it can hurt your throat. Yeah, I mean, you wouldn't know it by looking at me. I've done two marathons. You've done two marathons. Two marathons, yeah. Really?

Yeah. Recently? About four years ago was the second one. Damn. But you know what I'm talking about there? Yeah. Okay. I, you're the perfect person to have.

So glad I'm asking you. It wasn't cold. It was actually warm that day, which is why I'm thinking about this more. I ran two miles. Okay. A mile back, a mile back and forth. As soon as I got back,

it was hard. I was sweating and, you know, I was like exhausted and not, you know, to collapse, but I was just tired, right? And whatever. Came back. We did the podcast and I noticed

as we were doing it, like my, I was kind of like having a little bit of like irritation in my chest and throat. I was like, I was swallowing more. Just felt irritated. Yeah.

And I'm wondering if it's possible that on that run, because ever since then, I've been like this coughing and if I inhaled something on the run. It sounds like you have AIDS. You think I have AIDS from running? Yes.

I knew it. We're part of town as you're running. I was running in Pasadena. Predictable. Is there a hospital around there? Yeah. See, that's what it is. It could be tuberculosis.

It's probably TB. It's probably nothing. You can't get sick running. Especially if it's not cold. I've gotten worse. Like, you know. But it's not related to the running. To that run?

No. 20 minutes after that run, I was Do you have to see if you hadn't gone running? Still would have happened. It probably would have happened 20 minutes later. I agree. I think that activated and accelerated what you already had brewing in your chest.

You know, it may have accelerated, but it didn't cause it. No. There's no causal relationship. If you're listening, I want you to contact me and tell me that Christina and John are wrong. I want you to tell me.

You want people to lie to you. You just want a reason not to run again. You're like, I can't run, make me stay. Oh, that's it. Well, that makes me sick. I think it's how did you build up the stamina to run a marathon? It was awful. So awful.

It sounds amazing. I did the LA Roadrunners, and it's a group that meets out in the beach once a week for a long run, a group run, and they take you from couch potato to marathon. Really? Yeah. What'd you start with?

I think the first day we only ran maybe 30 minutes, but it's a slope like we get into a pace. Wait a minute. The first day is 30 minutes? I think so. It may have been 20. What pace are we talking about? That first day we did two-minute walk, two-minute run.

And they add five minutes like every week, and it takes you up. So you only do the long run once a week. The other time is just 30 minutes and 45 minutes on a treadmill. Really? Or outside, but just once you run for 30, 45 minutes. And then you eventually get up to like 22 miles before the... God.

I went to 20 before the marathon. I'm like, that's enough. And then you go back down and back up, and it's great. I was in a group, like the group I was in, it was like amputees and asthmatics, man, because I was like the slowest group. There was literally a man who was... Amputees and asthmatics.

First year did it was 90 years old. Wow. I would struggle to beat him every week. Like he would be ahead of me. And you know, but he was there. And like he did it, he ran marathons every year. He was 90, so it worked. Jesus.

But it was rough. And you know, they got a little tick at me because I would always wear my iPod. Like they don't like you to wear headphones. Yeah. Why? They want you to be able to talk to people. I don't want to talk to people.

Yeah, I don't want to talk to people. Yeah, I don't want to talk to people. Yeah, but it's like in current... Like if you're running next to somebody, and you know, they need to take their mind off that they'll start talking to you. Sure. I don't want to talk to them.

Sounds terrible. Yeah. I just want to listen to music. And they would actually tell you, hey man, like why do you wear your headphones? They would suggest, you know, we'd have meetings at the end, you know, your group is a great run, you'd stretch, and like,

you know, we kind of wish everybody wouldn't wear, you know, if you were wearing headphones, you probably shouldn't. But I knew it anyway. I'm like... I have a conversation. Oh, with me it is, yeah. Just trying to keep focused, try to keep it together,

try to keep from pissing yourself, because I understand that happens when you run a lot. Yeah, I mean, well, people in the marathon, it's kind of disgusting, because when it starts, there's so many people at the beginning, and it takes so long to get up there. You'll see people stop on the side of road, P. Yeah.

You'll see people, women, women too, women will squat down there. Good. I like that. I'm like, are you kidding me? I'm kind of in the car. I'm like, I never peed on the side of the road during the marathon.

I always found a porta-potty. Oh, really? You stop and you find the porta-john. Yeah, and it takes a while, but like, I'm not running for time. Don't let the top, top people, though, like, wear something, they wear diapers or something or no?

01:08:53,040 --> 01:08:54,000 No? The top people are done in two, three hours. Okay. Wait, so you can run... I mean, we have to hydrate a lot before the marathon, so don't you have to pee naturally or...? No, it comes through. A lot of carbs, carb up the night before?

Oh yeah, that was the best part of it. Yeah. I was so happy about that. Little pasta and bacon. It was fantastic. Wow, I like that. But, you know, you have to wear the tape over the nipples. Yeah.

Or your nipples will bleed. Right. Which I thought, I can't be true. Yeah, it does. And then, Jesus, I had some shaved nipples there after all those sounds. I'm like, you got to take care of that. What happened to your weight when you were doing

all this training? I was probably about 30 pounds lighter. 30 pounds, wow. Yeah, and that's one of the reasons... I hate every minute of it. I hate every minute of doing it. And that's the only reason I did it, because it made me work out.

Yeah. My kid made me do it. Jesus. So you trained for a month, you said? Oh, God, no, no, it was like... We started in August, August or September, and then Marathon was in March.

They take you. Like, it's a slow... Slow build. Slow build. Yeah. I like that, man. I got to tell you, that's one thing that's not going to be on the bucket list.

Like, I think, you know what, and it's not that I'm... I get it, and I think that's a wonderful thing. I really do. I think that's an admirable... It's something so far out of my abilities. Oh, it's not. That's the thing, it's not.

But I have never enjoyed physical fitness, even as a child, I hated running. I can't even imagine. Yeah, I hate every second of it. Like, it was... And I'll probably do it again, because it does force you to kind of get in shape. But I totally, like,

I totally cried when I crossed the finish line. You did? Oh, yeah, totally. Because of how emotional you were about it? Because it was just like, that's the most brutal thing I've ever been through, and it's over. Like, it was intense.

I feel like life is hard enough for me. Like, you know what I mean? You know what's intense? Like, getting to and from my shrink's office today. It was intense and traffic. It took me an hour and a half. I was livid. I've never gone to a shrink.

Oh, it's so great. Another one, this is good. I tried it. I liked it a lot. I don't know if I could do it. It's great. It's easier than running a marathon. Yeah, it probably is.

I'm Southern. Like, we don't want to talk about everything to strain you. It feels good. Oh, yeah. It feels good after you get through that. I liked it. I might go do that again. Yeah, you should.

Find somebody you really dig. That's the key to it, is to find somebody you trust and you like. Because there's some shit fuck. Shit fuck. I'll say it again. Shit fuck, shit fuck. Shrinks out there.

Yeah, yeah. Well, good for you, John. That's really amazing that you did that. I want you, I want you to find love. Will you please try a dating site? I don't know. I got everybody keeps trying to get me to go. Come on.

Yeah, I don't know. I can't come in. I'll tell you this. I've become more open to the idea. Okay, that's the first step. That is the first step. What it is, what you just said right there, is that you're willing to do a two minute walk

and then a five minute run. There you go. That's true. So we're going to build on that. And you know what, seven months from now, you're going to be on the site. Empty my clip. You're going to be dumping your clip.

You got to dump your clip into different women and then. Well, maybe if there's somebody. You don't like those women. Fuck off. Maybe if there's somebody listening now, if you like Mr. John, you send us an email. Maybe we'll make a love. Can I, are you in the Los Angeles area?

You're just doing a funny gentleman in the Los Angeles area. Oh, you clearly. What about him and Jeanette? I don't know. Your cousin, you think? Yeah. Let's try it. You want to dump your clip into my family pool?

Oh man. See, that's dangerous. Like if it went wrong, then it's like, you're going to look at me like I killed your cousin. No, I won't. Nah. But I'm actually a killer. Yeah, that's right.

I won't kill anyone. Make that clear. Do you like single moms? I got a step sister who has a deadbeat baby daddy. You know, I'm becoming more open to that. But I don't, you know, raising someone else as kid. I hear you. Yeah, I know.

It's a lot. It's a lot. What about your own kids? Do you want, would you be open to having? Raising my own kids is rough. No, I would love to have kids. I absolutely would. Oh, okay.

You should plow my cousin. See what happens. Yeah. Did you say plow your cousins in? Yeah. 01:13:03,680 --> 01:13:03,680 01:13:03,680 --> 01:13:03,680

01:13:03,680 --> 01:13:03,680 01:13:03,680 --> 01:13:04,240 That's so sweet. That's so sweet. Dump your clips and cousins. Yeah. That's so sweet. All right, we got to get out of here. We got to get ready to go to Portland.

We got to go to Portland. We got to where our jeans are. We got to pack. We got to pack all our jeans still. We do. This was a lot of fun. Would you do this trek again, even though it took you three hours to get here?

Will you do that again? I would. It wouldn't have taken me that long because I was working in Venice. Yeah. But you just didn't do that. I had to take a dump. And I can't do that at work.

Are you serious? You're one of those people? I've got it like, I just started there. And you can hear people through like, it's very thin. Oh, the walls. And I just, I've got a thing with that. Like, I don't like public bathrooms to take a dump in. Yeah.

Wow. I've gone home from work many times to do that. Really? For you. You know, some people can't. Yeah. I should. I used to, when I worked in an office, I looked forward to it

because it would, so it's an excuse to get away from your desk for a good 15 minutes. It absolutely, it absolutely is. Yeah. And I would really take my time, really blow it out. In fact, one of my bridesmaids at our wedding, she would, she discussed my shits when we worked together in an office.

Remember that? 01:14:20,560 --> 01:14:23,200 She gave a speech about how I love to shit. Rina. That's so sweet. Yeah, it was really embarrassing. I gotta tell you, one thing I don't like is like, we went to the dentist.

I went to the dentist. They have a bathroom you can use that's attached to the lobby. Yeah. It's too loud. No fan. No fan. Oh, you can't do that. How are you going to sit there and, you know, what if you got,

you got to go? Yeah. That's rough. It's very rough. Very rough. All right. Whose is that? Is that your breath?

I don't know who that is. That was you, Lee Hegging. No, it wasn't. No, no. That's Lee Hegging. So you were late though, because you had to take a shit. Yeah. I was like, I got to go home and I thought I had plenty of time,

but then I looked at and see that your mom's house is like two miles from the Mexican border. Don't say who we are. All right. I did. It's a secret. Um, but how did the shit go? Was it good?

Yeah, talking about that. It was pretty good. You know, it was just normal. You know what? I had a new resolution this year and I'm stuck with it. I'm no longer buying cheap toilet paper. Good for you. Look at you.

And I've stuck like we're six months into this and I've stuck with it, but my toilet clogs at least three times a month. Oh, no. After that, I guess. After the nice toilet paper. After I went to the nice because it's thicker and. Oh, wow. Well, you're not, you're not using baby wipes though, are you?

No. Okay. Because that'll. Don't flush those. And don't flush dental floss. Apparently that'll ruin. That'll ruin some shit too. No, I don't do that either.

Well, enjoy. You know what though, John? I feel like a treat when I use the good toilet. That's right. And you deserve it. You've got your water pick. You've got your good toilet paper. You deserve it.

This guy is the limit. Your asshole deserves it. Yeah, I think so. You do boxers or briefs? Boxers. Yeah. Good for you. Yeah.

I want to breathe. On occasion, a boxer brief. I like those a lot too. I think those look best on gentlemen. I'm a fan of boxers. Personally. Yeah. Not that I wear them, but.

I like the air. I like the boxers that breeze. Oh, yeah. I wish we could just wear skirts. I really do. You can. Well, yeah. You're right.

You're a kilter. There's always a weird guy at weddings that has the kilter off. 01:16:23,600 --> 01:16:26,000 And you know, he's just doing it for attention. Well, I just saw a guy get off the airplane wearing a kilter from Detroit. And that's one of those things where you're like, all right, asshole, I get it.

You're the guy that wears a kilter in Los Angeles. Oh, you're so cool. That's just a play for attention. Totally. Totally. He's not Irish. That's not his heritage. I remember, like, I'm always conscious about how I

to get to the bathroom. I was doing a show in Nashville, and we were at the, we went to the border of Kentucky and Tennessee, the rest stop. And the bit was, it was, it was our version of jaywalking. We would stop people and make them pass a quiz about the state before they could enter in the next one. Yeah.

And we saw this guy. He was walking up to us really fast. Black guy, white silk suit, like top and bottom hat. He's walking right towards us. We're like, all right, let's do this. And he goes, no, no, no, can't talk. Can't talk. And when he passed us, big brown spot on the back of his white suit.

Wow. He was like, yeah, I know why that guy can't stop and talk to us. He didn't make it, but he was trying to get. I had a boss once that did that, and he had it on white linen pants. And Eric saw it and he goes, I just saw a big brown spot. I'm like, no, dude. And I, sure enough, somebody made some brown. You should not wear white linen.

If you can't handle the responsibility of white linen pants. You got to be a grown up to wear that. It makes me happy to see, but I wouldn't want to be that person. No. White pants are, and even white t-shirts. I mean, I buy those, you know, from Target. Correct, is your t-shirt? Well, no.

I get like a yellow armpit stains in all of my t-shirts. I can wear a white t-shirt for like a week before that develops. So I like to buy, I go to Target, I get like the men's v-necks. Like six packs at a time, like disposable shirts. Let's get ready to say, if you are crapping and it's showing up on your t-shirt. That's something really good. Someone's got a talent that they need to share with the world. Some issues.

I got, we got to run. All right. All right. I got AIDS. Oh, I love you, mommies. Thank you for coming. Thanks guys. See you guys.

Thank you, John. Thank you, John. Thanks for a treat. Residing from the South Bronx, maintaining 39 wins, 40 knockouts, and no losses. It's the Undisputed Beatbox Champion of the World. All I know is about, about, about a drop to itch now. When I first came out, really couldn't catch my name. Now worldwide, feel the effect, scratch my name.

Stop. Rob cell, now rewind that. Scroll it down, you far that the way I designed that. And we were behind that. Not in my contract. I'm crossing all over the speck, by your girl. Down with the two on fifth, in the fifth. Dynast, R-W-O-T-S, no need to remind us.

Too far behind us, trying to high beam, blind us. To catch the shine of us, while a nickel played a dana. Blasting hopes of your designers. This is for you pre-modernist. Put my first sign of slight piranhas. I got you second guessing. It's sweating like saunas. If you learn from the second lesson, no question you want it.

Take your facial expressions for minutes, the seconds, the moment. All the family feel good to see me pull up on it. Excuse me. You got milk? You got any milk? Come on. Give me the milk. I'm thirsty.

Crushing crew without no effort. Let me flip my vocabulary. Vocal acrobatics. Microphone dramatics. I can jam like automatics. Nine millimeter. 12 grams. One in the chamber.

Crushed roulette. You can bet there is danger. Number five in the billboard. With the bullet. One million in my power. You know the style. Let me pull it, cause I'm about to blast ya. Take the mic, then harass ya.

Switch your speech. Without the weed, then I'll pass ya. 1999, our team. Because I gassed ya. Watch me join jet. Run you sun, like I'm NASA. Damn, like to come walk on bass, as the sound effect masked up. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I know.

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Oh, oh, oh, oh, I know. He's a-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. I'm the drop traditional. I got your mouth wide open just like the grand canyon. I'm true gory to this rap game. I got game. Call me Denzel with the rap name. I got aim.

He's on fire like a cold and hot flame. Cause my pasta nuisance reduces your prognosis. Kids doing a c- From coast to coast kid. That's what the doctor ordered. So say I take you three feet hot and rising, like they lie, say la vie. I'm your super emcee.

Got the S on my chest for you to buy my LP. Check the outlets for concepts and CD. Sam Goody, block busting up your HMV. Lookin' please. Act your mama for some cheese. Tell her you need some restitution, like them Vietnamese in Vietnam. Cause Grotzel drops the ball more complex than tax

than your holy carols. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I know. That's the bad, motherf- Oh, oh, oh, oh, I know. He's a-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. I'm the drop traditional. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I know. That's the bad, motherf-

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I know. he's a-ba-ba-ba-ba. I'm the drop traditional. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I know. That's the bad, motherf- Oh, oh, oh, oh, I know. He's a-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. I'm the drop traditional.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I know. That's that bad, motherf- Oh, oh, oh, oh, I know, He's a-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. I'm the drop traditional.