Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Live From Brooklyn-207-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 21, 2014

Where Brooklyn at? In your ear drums. Rest In Peace, ODB. We pay respect to the GODS on this one. There's nothing quite like a LIVE Mom in front of other Mom's, knawmean? This is all the goodness of YMH wrapped into one Live Denim sandwich - we got crazy audio, WYR, Top Dog and more! Peace to Big Daddy Kane.

Which is why my voice sounds stupid. You talk out of your throat Like my voice I project from here When I should be projecting from down here, right? Yeah. No, I think I should take a voice class because I blow out That's why I talk like up here like I'm nasally. So it's between I'm always pushing my next You know because I don't like to talk loudly right and I'm I feel like I'm straining I'm always straining like I would to take a shit. It's got to be exercises for this Yeah, any vocal coaches vocal coaches tune in cocoa coaches. Cocoa coaches tune in

Yeah Friday's always a good day your mom's day Friday's a day where you cast your paycheck and then you spent all the money on tacos and beer tacos and beer and Hopefully if you're in Los Angeles, you're coming to see us at the comedy and magic club in Hermosa Beach tonight Friday night. Yep. What are you doing with your Friday? Why don't you come see us get your talks? You got your beers and you go to her Hermosa Beach get your talks and your beers And for those of you don't know where Hermosa Beach is it's not that far. It's just the west side son. There you go

Hey, it sounds like it's far. It's not far. What's what's the problem? Some of you and the thing is it's an 830 show. Yeah, there's a little extra time It's fun. Please come out and see the show live in Hermosa Beach Some of you let us know that after the last episode you you felt our pain At we're complaining about ticket sales for that, but yeah, we need you to be there That's fantastic. What else we got what's coming up? I'm in San Antonio next week That should be fun. That's awesome. Yeah, the L-O-L-O-L. Oh, lol I'm lolling at you

I'm in town for a minute, which is great. I had to cancel Cleveland you guys so You know if you go to the Cleveland improv go there, but just don't don't buy tickets April 10th or 13th thinking I will be there That's what's up guys. Listen if you're gonna shop on Amazon calm Go through our website, but use the new banner because we were bamboozled and the coding was bad on the old one So go to your mom's house podcast on click on those banners to do all your Amazon shopping I guess what we started doing Automating so instead of going to the store and buying toilet paper every day because we go through so much of it I guess I should deliver to the house through Amazon subscriptions

You can set it up for how many months if you want to get it one two three months It's the best dude. There you go. I'll make your cleaning products automate paper towels Automate what else jeans food? Yeah, they have food. That's one. Oh my god It'll save your time and money all of those you open my eyes to that and then I just found out there's even more you can do Automated right the everything I said you can be like I want soy milk And then it delivered you that day that day on Amazon, but please use our banner It's really important to us. It does. You know what it does

You know if you don't have a ton of money to spend on t-shirts and whatnot It just supports the show kicks back a few you know shekels to the show. Yeah, so it's um All we're asking you to do is your your regular Amazon shopping through our Amazon banner And we got a new one a few like we told you a few weeks ago, so it's not the old banner It's the new one. Yeah, cuz we don't get shit on the old. Yeah, so your mom's house podcast.com has the new Amazon banner I'll just throw out there that I have a couple other additions. I added well I have Virginia Beach coming up you ready to go to Virginia Beach. No, I don't do that club They're really like that one and then I don't think you're saying it right

But I think it's Virginia Virginia. I'm sorry Virginia Beach April 2nd through 6 skyline which you've been to Appleton. Yeah, it's April 10th or 12 and then I am actually going to Cleveland Later in in April and we're doing We haven't put it up yet. We got to get this up We have a live podcast coming in San Diego and we're also going to do a live one in Pasadena both in April, so we got to get those added And yeah, we'll be we'll also be in Vancouver the very end of April doing our show live and

At the comedy mix mom's house sweeping America and now Canada Mm-hmm. It's it's pretty amazing. Well, some people say Excuse me Canada is part of North America. What do you think you're just talking about America USA USA? Okay, well, I appreciate you clarifying that you Here I'll give you the double Jane. Oh, that's so rude the double I roll double I rolls the double Jane. How dare you? Now before we get into this this is going to be our live from Brooklyn show. Oh my god I'd like to remind you many of you have have messaged us

Let us know that you've seen it, but I'll remind you that my special Completely normal is on Netflix if you have Netflix Please watch it and I will say you look very handsome. Oh stop it. You look great No, yeah, the lighting was great your jokes are great Obviously the jokes are always great, but you're just you're so handsome and I forget that I feel like TV and I just love you I feel like you're trying to get in my panties I am I mean Do you know anybody that has the number one comedy CD in this room?

Is there somebody in this room that has the number one comedy CD on iTunes right now? Well, that's the other thing I'd like you to do if you jeans if you don't mind If you if you watch the special and you like it, please give it a big five-star rating Yeah, don't don't you don't be all. Oh, it was a good four and a half Don't do that. Just give your mommy five. Please come on if you if you like it if you don't like it Then I'm not then don't do that Also, if you like it and you like me and you appreciate what we do a huge thank you To us and people always would you know telling asking us. Oh, are you either you give us all these shows a

Huge one a huge one to us is buying the album going on iTunes go look at completely normal and please Get the album and put your penis on Tom's face Because your eyes are so blue and so pretty all those are her Her suggestion on Twitter tell Tom how beautiful His eyes are thank you jeans because you're Latin. You don't think the most love a lot Actually Puerto Ricans have blue eyes. Hmm. Okay. I think that's why I like you so much aesthetically. You're my type

You're you're you got the dark hair, but then light eyes and you tan easily, which is really nice for me You like that. Well, yeah, you're you know, yeah, that's spiky kind of nice thing going on. Okay The spiky nice thing going on I tell you the Brooklyn what what you guys are about to hear this is so much fun You're I was probably again one of this is one of my favorite live podcast. We've ever done. This was fantastic the energy Amazing positive energy a lot of fun But it was just it was amazing. It was such a good trip. I'm so glad we did it We have I don't know if we did it enough, but a huge thank you to everybody in the greater Brooklyn area Oh, I didn't know that Brooklyn was the size of a fucking country in Europe

But thank you for coming to this show the live podcast and then the stand-up show at the knitting factory Also was just bananas bananas bananas. I thank you guys for supporting and we got so much fun Fan gifts Theo got a treat box. Oh my god What is the the here? I'll his um his porno magazine. Holy fuck here. I'll tell you who did it That was amazing down on Instagram So they made a bark box for a Fifinator and it had bitches magazine a picture of a Brussels Graffin Yeah, and it had like feather boa. It had female dogs bitches, excuse me

laying in like very compromising positions It was for Theo porn and a pack of new ports some Hennessy and Then lankies stuffed bacon. This is from Chris Kelly at Biggs Nation. Actually was their dog doc Yeah, and the girl is Laura something right? Well, hold on. Yeah, it's on the freaking box. It's not here. Hold on Jesus so funny, I mean Seriously ridiculous. It was crazy and then in Columbus since he kid George. Oh, I love since on Twitter

He had his jeans up over his neighbor. He gave us He gave us Bert Chrysler coloring books Yeah To yeah, because Bert and I were you know If I can roughly each other up on on Twitter, I love that people think it's serious like we're actually yeah We love after each other and we also He also gave us stickers that said is that you didn't find her name. No. Oh, I thought you were finding your name. Sorry You don't want to say thank you to the thank you. It's actually from a dog named doc

Okay, so it's actually Doc's doing. Oh, that's right. It was the dog. Yeah, okay He gave us stickers that say it's the dog's tits and it had the bounty hunter With kind of sausage tits you told me today that I looked like dog's wife in my new dress. Thank you for that Thank you Why would you say that to your wife, I think you look listen I went on old Navy calm I bought myself a nice dress. I was discounted 15% off. It's a nice dress. It's got an animal print on it. It's like a snakeskin print I thought you look lovely. You said I look like dog's wife. She's super hot first of all super hot

Yeah, baby. She's super trash. No, no, no, she's super white trash, babe No, we're confusing people confusing people. Who do you think of? No, I'm sorry the bleached white blonde hair long and ratty Yeah, the huge fake tits. Hello, the ripped up t-shirts. Yes. Oh, okay What's the that's what I look like right now? First of all, I have low lights in my hair. I don't just do bleach bleach bleach Sometimes I do cut up shirts. Yeah, sometimes I do wear shirts with American flags on them. Yeah, we got to go You got you got to go You can't just say that you you go. No you go. That's not nice to say that you don't say that to somebody

You believe an airy Schaefer on the last episode Good motherfucking night Airy Schaefer said the blacks are the laziest. Holy shit And then he he said that no, they do lazy like in in the world of lazy. They do it the best Oh my god. Oh my god. All right. We don't endorse his views. Just so you know, he's fucking you know what he is This is a lie from Brooklyn, we hope you enjoy it and thanks for wearing your jeans. We love you. We love you Oh Ladies and gentlemen, please look down and check your jeans if they are low and loose grab them

and pull on way the fuck high way above your eyeballs Because it's time mother fuckers. It's time Put your hands together for the almost main mommy. Mr. Tom Segura And the main mommy Christina Bajinsky I Don't like taking pills

But I have found something that works Australian dream I Didn't crazy I don't like taking pills Crazy But I'm shunt blurry

I don't like taking pills But I have found something that works Australian dream What's up, Brooklyn Brooklyn please Round of applause for our boy. Chuck Woolry. Let them hear it. He He made that just for us Let's make sure this works

Yep, I guess it does Is that loud enough? Can you hear that? All right, I don't know. Hi jeans. This is wonderful. We fucking made it dude We flew across america sun It's been amazing. We've been through so many cab rides already just countless terrifying experience Basically the money that we've earned On uber while we were here I didn't realize that every ride would be like and that's 75 dollars

It's 75 dollars and I don't know what that method is This is very new york. You guys were at the stoplight. They just put it in park That's foreign. That's a fuck foreigner shit. Is that? Right. That's what like hungarians do too We did ron and fez today. I don't know if any of you guys know ron and fez. Yeah, they're fantastic and Every the the driver on the way there he put it in park At every light so that all the doors would unlock So we're like, are we getting out here? Are you kicking us out of the car right now?

And then dry then the light would turn he'd go drive all the doors locked and I was like Could you fucking knock this off, man? No, no, I do how I drive. I drive. You sit there. You listen. Okay And then they also like to tell you their life stories like what new inventions they're coming up with Our driver yesterday has invented a device for a suitcase That beeps when your suitcase comes close Get it And unsolicited told us the idea and the story behind the idea and then asked us if we would buy it

Right He's like, yeah, it makes a beep. It comes close. You know, this is my suitcase And he goes, what do you think you want it and I was like now. No, I don't like Are you selling it to me right now in the car? No, but you have commercials. Yeah, we have Oh, that was the best. You have commercials. Um, where do you live? I said Los Angeles How far are you from San Diego? Like fucking three hours? 300 miles do you get their commercials? No, mother. These are different markets like LA gets their own commercials. Thanks

Yeah, there's a new commercial for my fucking beeping. But my suitcase beeps if you want to look at it. Well, and then I'm good Yeah, we were like, but what if everybody has your product? How will you know the beeps like if everybody shits going beep beep beep beep, then how does your shit work? He goes, there's many beats And I was like, yeah, but if they're all like how many different beeps and he goes seven Okay, so all you need is a fucking dozen people that bought the suitcase beep and you're like, I don't know which bag's mine So painful dude, they all tell you their life stories. Is that just part of writing a cab here? You have to hear their fucking

Yeah, it is, huh? Because I'm like, maybe I just have like the sucker tourist thing where I'm like, I'll listen They think we're suckers for getting in cabs because these mother fuckers just ride the subway everywhere Yeah, we're so above that Above I'm terrified. I don't know how to subway things. It's fear-based. They're like, just get on this and switch. I was like, we'll do uber Thanks a lot It's too complicated. How much is it a subway thing versus all right, yeah, I'll pay 70 dollars more for that. That makes sense I know but we use uber now

We've been talking about that on the show because it really cuts down a lot of the nonsense Like I feel like it brings you a higher caliber experience. Yeah. Well when I was in um, okay So my last ride in la to the airport. I called uber and thank you That was fucking tight right there Thanks, guys You have to set the mood in brooklyn let him out Uh, so the guy gets in the car or I get in the car and he's like, uh, he's like, yeah I go, where are you from? He's like a person. I go, okay. All my accents are the same and he goes

And he goes, uh, you know armenians are all criminals I was like again totally unsolicited. Okay. Thanks, man Yeah, yeah, yeah, they can't help themselves. They're all thieves and I was like, all right Which by the way, it totally supports my argument that other races are the most racist They just yeah, they just don't do it as good as we do but So he's like they're all crazy racist. They're all horrible and they're all criminals and I was like, okay And he goes there's one Armenian guy who he went and he bought like 40 cabs for like 1500 dollars

And then 40 wait 40 cars for 15 well 1500 each Oh, okay. And then he called his Armenian friends and family Over at united states. It was like you should get in the cab business And he sold them cabs for like 20 to 25 000 and was like now you can start your business. What a piece of shit and then Then he told them like, yeah, you just work it off. Like, you know, you've you bought you bought it for I hooked you up Slave I did you good. Now you just work off your 25 grand And then he said that after years they fucking like they finally figured they were new and here in this country and then they figured out Oh, like this is

These guys fucking me over So then they were like, hey, you fucked me over and he was like, yeah, but But what I can do is rig the meter in your cab to charge double and triple and make your money back So fucking piece of shit this Persian guy This Persian guy tells me this story and I'm like, okay Cool, man Then I get my ride on the way back home and it's an Armenian guy The Persian guy told me

That every Armenian knows this guy. He's like, you have any Armenian? They all know him They all know jim. They all know he's the most piece of shit Armenian guy on the point The guy dried me out and he goes i'm Armenian. I go, hey, do you know this fucking guy? This Persian guy told me that all of you know the guy who bought cars For like a thousand dollars and sold them to everybody for 20,000. He's like, yes, I know who that is That sucks to have a legend Just only known by the Armenian guy that did this not even a name. Yeah, they didn't know his name

And then then he got super defensive. He's like every group has a bad guy and I go, yeah, of course He's like not all Armenian or bad. I go, I fucking know And he was like, yeah Usually think he's just us and I go god damn it. Like then I was like, I know man. Like my wife's Hungarian She's a fucking bad person. Like I just told him about you like that. Thanks, babe There's so many Hungarian pieces of shit. Yeah, basically we come to your country and then find a way to shize the system That's all we do the guy Not my dad's a hard-working normal person, but he has friends like this guy Willy. No

Yeah, I know who's like long dead long dead But this guy he came over here and he would fucking take ink cartridges Out of the garbage out of dumpsters and major corporations and then refill them and then sell them. Is that like a common scale? made millions off of it Ran under the radar didn't have ID Ink is crazy. It's crazy expensive. Well, you think about it. Well, how much are cartridges? Like you buy a packet and they're like, yeah, it's 75 It's 70 fucking dollars for ink. Yeah any noodles this much fucking ink. Yeah. So this guy fucking

Has no ID. He's off the grid his whole entire life and then he gets diagnosed with cancer. Remember Willy Yeah goes to Miami and because he can't get health insurance because he's been a fucking piece of shit You know his whole life And like dies penniless and leaves his widow with severe debt from cancer. So don't break the law kids live it up Have a good life We haven't even started the show. Yeah, let's do a proper show open. What do you say? all right Thank you guys for coming uh to this very very special live

um, your mom's house in Brooklyn New york Here we go. Let's start the show. That's why you fucking pussies Don't fuck with people in real life. You have to fuck with people on the internet because we'll fucking take you out Because if you dared to fucking come up to me and person In real life and fucking say shit to my face This is what you're gonna get. I'm gonna hop out of the fucking van with this in my hand

And I'm gonna fucking hit you in the head as hard as I fucking can and fucking crack your skull open And have your brains laying on the fucking ground motherfuckers This shit is big time. Who is randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this Don't burn me in the fucking stand Welcome Welcome to your mom's house And christina posits Welcome to your mom's house

Yeah This is so exciting how Were you able to get your cousin to record that for the show? That was fantastic my It's a woman. Do you know that was a girl? That was a lady's voice. That was very fucking. She's um, yeah, it takes a second when you see her to know that it's a lady She's big Even with video you're like, oh, all right

I feel like I understand her feelings though because she's what that is is um, it's trollers, right? Like she plays a video game and then people are like calling her a fat bitch and she she can't take it anymore So she takes like karate or some shit. Yeah, which I totally I get so mad at trollers too. Yeah, I don't threaten them back I don't feel like that's a good tactic though. She's really upset to make a threatening video back Does that ever work? It reminds me of the wiccan guy the wiccan guy The wiccan guy actually We did a live show and that episode airs tomorrow, but the what this guy also had that same the people on the internet

Really, I like the idea that they can make a video To note like just alone and really let out their anger because they're not really hurting It's just you're just yelling like this guy listening to me you piece of fuck for one I'm not bisexual two. I'm not gay three. No. I'm not goddamn fat I'm skinny as hell and four. I'm fucking wiccan if you have a problem you can go fuck yourself piece of shit Listen to me you piece of fuck is what he starts with He's so angry. He can't get out what he's trying to say

This girl it's a girl, but what are the accusations against the wiccan? That's my favorite I think somebody's like you're not wiccan enough and he's like, yeah, I don't think they saw him I think somebody made a generalization like all wiccans are fat Oh Uh Check me out motherfucker. I'm pretty rad. Yeah, and then this girl She's her video is much longer and she's very angry. She She she actually has multiple settings for her like she goes

First in the car then outside the car then the the car then it's on the van I love my favorite part of that is like I'll get out of the van. Yeah And fuck you up motherfucker like she's really upset. She has More anger About people I guess they were on she was on world of warcraft Something like that and people were harassing her. What's that like you play that all the time. What are you? How is that? I'm more of a puzzle bobble master, but I I don't know but can people see you when you're playing those video games. They can't actually see what you look like

No They just assume she's a fat They can sense her fatness through the keys. I know like how are you? Where are you getting here from? She's really enormous She even is like I've been taking karate and shit's about to go down like it's so great She shows you her kicks and her fucking karate. She's like picture that to your fucking But can't you see yourself if you're like I was such a misguided youth I could have easily done a video like this like fucking easily dude Like somebody fired gets you mad in junior high and you're like fuck you stacey

I'm gonna show you bitch. You didn't like my lisa frank stickers. Fuck you or you know like You know look at this locker. I decorated the fuck out of that like you're so crazy at that age No, that's your wheelhouse. I would um I'd have been like Well, what would have fired nothing would have fired you up at that age like 12 13. She is not 12 or 13 She's a large 13, but she's she's 47. She's not 47 She's a young person. She's wait. How young wait a minute Didn't you make like a love tape to some girl where you're like, I'm gonna sing to you girl

Yeah, that's pretty embarrassing She hit me up on facebook once. Oh great and like i've been fucking her on the side. No I'm so rude. No, I hadn't you know, I hadn't spoken to her in like like whatever 20 years. She's so cute Say no, no, no. She's a fucking animal. But She was like it was just like oh, hi. How are you and then she was like, oh Still got a video tape somebody sent me once. I was like, you know when you feel like the panic, right? And I was like you can throw that away and she was like, maybe No, what was the tape though? Walk us through it. I can't even tell you

Come on. Yeah, come on share. We've all done it. Yeah Yeah, I didn't really know about editing. So I would just play record on what like an old school vhs. No, I mean it was yeah, I guess it was Maybe it was a vhs family camera. I set it up. So I had moved from Milwaukee to Florida and we were really close back then so I it was like she sent me some message about like here's how I'm doing. I was like, I'll send you a video Oh, fuck dude. Oh, I'm embarrassed for you right now. It's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. Oh my god So I walked around

Like it's giving me anxiety to think about it. Um, I walked around. I was like, this is the house we moved into Oh Now this isn't the can I tell you the worst part you're gonna shit your pants. Yeah Oh my god shirt or no shirt. Is that you? Yeah, shirtless shirtless like jodicy shirtless like what up? Yeah I had a razor thin fucking Puerto Rican beard And some fucking gold chains It's hard for me

Come on, what did you see? You know when you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican It's hard for me to even say it. Okay, so I oh my god I didn't jerk off. No way so much worse. I wish I had fucking jerked off I put on okay, I I set the camera up Towards the shower and there's no nudity. No, no, no No nudity. I kind of danced And sung along to a Jackson 5 song in the show

Um, probably fucking abc. I don't remember man But here's the thing it could have been like a funny like when you look back Oh, it could have been like kind of endearing if it would have been like here's five seconds. It does the whole fucking song so There's one shot of me doing a fucking Jackson 5 like, you know, miming it for like three and a half minutes Wait, did you do that? Come on. Come on. Come on. I'm a dad. They did you like Check all the options whatever it was I did that Is the sides and just because you got that out of me

You just had that queued up you asshole I knew it wasn't here. We heard that today randomly. I'm like, oh We heard that waiting to go into Ron and Fez and the waiting room. I was like, they're ready for us. I think they're ready for us God that was so embarrassing. That's more I'm trying to think of I'm sure I need to hire someone to kill her Get that tape back. Yeah, I'd be like, I know she has a family kill her Look for a videotape or just Or you think of all the letters that you wrote at that age, which now people just posted on facebook Like, I mean, I'm mortified by half the shit. I've thought in my life let alone like

Took pen to paper as an adolescent But now grown-ups fucking share, huh? Yeah, you know on facebook grown-ups share everything. It's so bad. If you're not my real friend just fucking say so Some people pretend to be your friend, but they're not and you're like you're 40. You know, all I can say All I can say is that I'm really disappointed in some people right now That's a big line Oh, like that's just saying who me. No, they know who they are It's always they know who they are like they're gonna get signed on she's talking about me right now

All right, why are you disappointed or or the humble brag like It's just so hard having so much money. I don't know what to do with all yeah, or like Uh, the husband treated me to dinner again. Are we gonna find a babysitter or shit like that? You're like shut up, bitch. The one that kills me. It's it's strictly female too. Yeah, I have to take credit They're like, uh, just not looking good today. Yeah So you go no, you're beautiful Fuck that it's the worst you should be like, yeah, everyone has rough days clearly today's one of yours. Yeah That is it's so narcissistic. I have a friend that's doing that right now like

Um, this is just my so tired because my baby won't go down to bed. Look and it's her with her hair Sprawled. Oh, Jesus like five different whatever filters and full makeup. She hired a crew to take the fucking photo What are you talking about? It's so ridiculous. I hate everybody. I didn't tell you I fucking shit. I got shit on my hand. You're kidding. Wait a minute We've got to warn these people. You can't just go into that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry All right, you've been warned You know what I think about every time we play something like that There's how many emails I get from people who are like, uh, could you please stop playing that like they get

People are like, please, uh, I really enjoy the show. Could you please never play king ass ripper again? Please I beg you. Oh, so much backlash over ass ripper. He's my fucking hero too. He's in this region, right? He's he's above but he's here. Where is he? He's michigan michigan. Yeah God damn it. Yeah, he He's right here. Yeah, he's lighting farts. I can't believe he never got back to us. Have fun Oh Okay, all right, it won't be a lot of that. I promise. All right, so upset So here's what happened the other day. I was thinking about

Retract sorry, I hear it and I get He's so impressed. I feel like I like his gasps even more. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Like you realize so like it's such a like force that he's putting into it. It's like he ran up a hill Yeah He's really trying Which is not dissimilar to the german nipple play guy. Oh, yeah, german nipple play He's kind of my favorite. He's one of my favorites. Where is he? Fuck He's a little creepier, but

Right, you hear it. It's just this one We haven't even we should have sent out the video for that one that video Will ruin your day. It's on christina It's on my website. I think it is on your website because I was like, oh a listener submission I just love it and he his nipples are so chunky. Yeah Like a nursing dog when they get really fat They're so meaty meaty and he and he lets you know that like you're gonna suck them dry. He's It's so aggressive

Are you thirsty? I want to breastfeed you Hear these big nips And watch how you suck me dry dude That happens here a lot Here at the bell house. It feels Yeah, it's a little dungeony in here. No, it feels like that feels like a weird

The village that's the gay neighborhood here. Does that happen there? Oh, Chelsea. Yeah, like in san francisco that this happens to Castro Yeah, like the kind of place where dudes just put their wieners and holes in the wall and Right, you saw that in the streets of manfrindisco. I've seen people butt fucking on the streets of san francisco. Yeah That's such a g move if you pull that shit off like Think about it to butt fuck somebody in the streets Like the balls literally figuratively that you have on you to be like, no

Like we're not going inside. We're not going anywhere Right here on fourth ab. I'm gonna fuck you in the streets and your asshole Right, right, but that was the fulsome street fair where that stuff like that kind of just goes down You know, I mean like it's just a parade of dudes and harnesses and stuff and like ball gags. It's so aggressive Nice sweater edna. Jesus Christ Whatever i'm crocheting it The fucking right now I got into crochet. Here's how you crochet Like a homeless person with no teeth. Yeah, pretty much. Why do I have no teeth? You're counting the knots. You're like

That's so stupid Whatever, how come everything you do well is homeless related? Fuck me in my ass, man See Feels good when you're fucking me. All right All right, it's so good it never stops giving shit. Yeah, you know You know how I feel about him is how I felt about jewels like when we first heard it I was like, oh, that's that's just some weird porno girl. And then the more I hear fucking me in my ass

The like an onion the layers you're like, wait, we can't have him over. There's no way he can come and do the show Yeah, him. Oh my god, put your dog in my ass. Oh Wait, so let me tell you the shit. This is what happened. Sorry. Oh, you're shit. Yeah. That's where we started I'm sitting down. I take a shit the other day in my two nights ago I'm shit. This is an asshole. And I I started thinking about that when I was a freshman in college I wrote a paper for a English class and the English professor was giving people like Like he gives you a partial grade

On your first draft and then you take it again, you know, you take his notes and you hand it in again That's called like cheating. I mean, how is that? No, no, he was saying like here's like it wasn't a grade yet He was just like here's your first draft notes Then like apply these notes. So with mine that I wrote, he was like, you definitely didn't write this And I was like, no, I did and he goes If you wrote this, this is the best paper I've read in like 30 years And I go, thanks a lot, man And he got really mad. He was like, don't be a fucking smart ass

You didn't write this and I was like, yeah, I did and he was like I'm and he got really upset with me He was like, you need to fucking just rewrite this whole thing And I was thinking about that I regretted that I didn't go to like his superior the dean or the whoever oversaw The english department and tell them I just took it. I took like what what I knew was not true Which was what he was accusing me of anyways. I was thinking about this as I was wiping my ass So I got angry I was like motherfucker. I should have said something and then I pulled my hand up and it was covered in shit because I had angrily saw this professor and I was like, I should have fucking saw you What was his name kermit?

Kermit his name was kermit. No for real. That was his real name. His first name was kermit. Yeah kermit I swear to you. Where was he from? I didn't get his fucking bio. I just know that his name was kermit Are you being real a hundred percent? Wow, so you were thinking about professor there still. All right, so you were thinking about this man the wrong Yeah, and it just happened to be While I was I was like, uh, and you know, I zoned out. I was like, I should have fucking said something. Yeah, of course And then I pulled my hand up and I was like, huh, and I got scared How much brown on too much. It wasn't a little smudge. Just can you walk me through the amount?

Um, like I had a scoop of pudding. No, no It wasn't like no, I didn't Ah the french shit It was it was enough to freak you out and for my mind to go like my mind just went And then it went don't panic be under control. Yeah handle this. Don't get it anywhere else. Don't drop shit on the ground Keep this hand away from other things Cleaned up. Wait, what number was it? Was it a loose seven? Was it a burn one? Okay. No, no, it wasn't a one It was healthy. It was like a five three or four

three Wow, look at him. Really inquisitive. I like it. That's a good question. It's a press conference. Um Sir, yeah, this is five hundred new york times. Uh Did you break paper just go off on your own? Did you break paper? Uh, well, yeah, bob. Good to see you, man. Uh What is that show we like it went through paper it's like the house of farts House of farts like house of cards. Yeah So wait, wait, how much paper did you use that's you go through a roll? It was a regular. It was a regular fucking wipe

It was a regular It was just everything was normal except for my mind state. I wasn't focused Jedi, yeah, I was off in this other world of I should have said something, you know, when you have like, yeah, yeah, yeah confrontations and you're driving them I'll tell that motherfucker where to go and you're like And you're like, oh, yeah, can I have a cheeseburger? Thanks So it was like that. It was I planned so many confrontations in my head. I do wait So, okay, so then how did you wash it? Did you take it into the shower or did you use our sink?

No, no, no, I got it off with the paper Toilet paper initially. No, it's on it. It's duty. Why are you mushing it into the paper though, dude? Dude, I'm cleaning my hand with the toilet paper, bro Right and then into the shower. I'm not going to take shit chokes into the shower. What are you talking about? Yeah, I'd but I'd prefer that because like then you're mashing against the dry paper on your hand I don't know to me. It sounds intuitive. You put under the water the water makes the shit go down and then far Just make the shit come out That's my mother's only wisdom to me

Um, I think I handled it the right way and I'm not going to take no, I know Yeah, all right. Thanks. You don't know what you're dealing with first of all For the record as long as we're on brown talk, I don't know what it is. We're in the hotel We have a very small hotel room for some reason only when I need to get ready Like when I need to put my makeup on or shower does he suddenly feel the urge to shit Only when I have to go in there and like print. Why is that? Why are your balls your bowels connected to my knees? I think it's because

I know it's a it's a small thing. I can do to ruin a moment for you. I know it I fucking knew it. No, how am I going to control it like that? No, but I feel like you were laying Mary on the computer and uh, yeah, and he knew that I had to fucking Go in there and you're like, no, no, no wait No, it's a coincidence. It's not Thank you, sir for your theories. Yes It's not it's not fucking malicious. I'm not no, I know It's like when you get mad at me for snoring and you're like, oh, I want to murder you

I'm not like waiting like how can I fuck up her sleeve like It feels like Like it's I'm not awake. I could stab you a thousand times and not even fucking flinch when you do that A little cranky today Here this should put you in a better mood The french champagne It's one of my favorites so good. Can I can I tell you the most racist slash dumb thought I had? Yes I'm embarrassed

Because it was stupid. It was really stupid and I can't tell if it's more racist or more dumb you decide So I was at the airport in denber and I was getting on the plane And I was looking down at the ground like I just was zoned out and I saw this guy wearing a pair of toms And I love toms, you know, like they're my favorites. They're so good for lazy people Yeah, but they make your feet smell real bad So like I was looking at this dude's feet in line and he had on gray toms gray toms gray toms And I was like, oh, it's so crazy. He wore like brown socks With these toms like that's a fucking weird color choice. And then to go brown socks to go brown brown and gray

I usually just go sockless and then to make brown or black socks and right. Yeah, right. And so I look up And he's a black And I'm like, oh, I'm such a fucking piece of shit. I'm so racist. So you were like, why do you wear those shoes with your natural skin color? That's such an asshole And I felt you know and like you think a stupid thought and you want to apologize to that person out loud I want to be like, I'm sorry. I just thought something really racist about you. I'm just sorry What if I explained it to him? Hey, man, buddy, second ago. I was looking at you and uh, your skin looks weird

With those shoes, it's not, you know, but then I realized never mind. Have a good fight Right. How about that dialogue of God? Okay Appreciate that. So stupid Um, I don't feel good about that. Holy shit What were you thinking about jeans? What was I thinking about? Uh, when you were describing that guy, I was just like Sorry, I thought that was a nice time to drop out. I don't know If you had said that I bet he'd been like, that's right Anyways, do you want to hear about um, the cheese masturbator? Yeah, what is this? I didn't even get to see this

There's a guy. So I heard about this on the road, dude I was in uh in denver and this guy was like, hey, have you heard about this man who's masturbating with cheese? In his car and I was like, nope, but I'm gonna look it up for our show Because that sounds like something my listeners would really be interested in Yeah, so cheese masturbator guys, uh, he's currently driving around the Mayfair area of philadelphia Asking women to use the slice of cheese that he's putting over his dick While jerking himself off. So he's like, hey, man. Wait, what? And I'm sorry. Let me read the whole thing the man you see above

Which is the picture is holding a slice of swiss cheese over his dick He is currently driving around the Mayfair area asking women to use the slice of cheese while jerking him off Right, so like can you take this cheese and then use it to oh you act like that's a normal I'm saying like Bold choice. Yeah, and I'd give it a shot. I'll try it I'd never thought of it. It's like wondering when you see something in a movie and you're like All right The man who has yet to be identified is being sought by cops in philadelphia after a number of women

Have filed complaints with police stating that he has driven up to them in parking lots And exposed himself while asking to be masturbated with a slice of swiss cheese Uh the philadelphia daily news has also talked to a 20 year old woman named gabby chest Sure Who claims that the same man sent her a message on okcupid asking her to perform masturbation on him with cheese The daily news obtained at excerpt. I know Uh the daily news obtained an excerpt from that message in which the man explains the genesis of his fetish. Are you ready? Yes Okay, how do you think it happens? Let's see. How do you think that happens? I mean just some some

Really sexy went down at a deli one time. I don't know. I don't know why why I'm gonna go back to summers in wisconsin I don't fucking know It's a childhood thing. He started doing it as a kid. Okay. What is it? What is it? Okay? All right. I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complexions Girls are soft smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more Oh That and typical advertising always using a girl to advertise dairy products That's true. Like the milk maids and shit like swiss miss. That's a dairy product

She's got her big tits out and everything for no fucking reason. Is this dude just always walking around With a heart on like whenever someone's eating a sandwich like Like what do you have it man? Like oh ham and cheese like uh-huh So then that's how he made the association. He goes. So cheese is what started to use Cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls. Yikes, okay This is what it means to be a woman in america If a 50 year old man isn't harassing you online about executing a specific food fetish She's driving up to you in a parking lot with this dick out and a slice of swiss cheese. Literally

There you go, and he's in philly. He's in philly the home of the cheese steak Lucky him damn he just parks outside of paths. Just fucking strokes his cock. So That's not uncommon. Did you get extra cheese on that shit? Oh I've seen so many people masturbate in public men specifically I used to work at a retail store on malrose and this guy would pull up every fucking day like clockwork at noon And just take his dick out and start jerking it to us like looking at eye contact pretty much yellow Waiting for you to notice. Yeah, that's the whole thing is to get you to notice and then when you notice he Finishes. Yeah, he finishes and then he just takes off and we call the cops. He didn't deter him one bit

Why would it that's fucking dope that dude's awesome. That is a good idea Every guy wishes they had the nerve to do that shit Yeah, you know you traumatize her but fucking still But that's the fun the arousal is traumatizing somebody knowing that when she goes in public it's scared. That's the fun thing. Yeah Knowing you crush some poor girl's spirit. Yeah, of course So I feel like if you do it too if you're if you're jerking off in public and the girl is over 18 like you're an adult grow up Uh-huh Well, she asked for it. I mean

Let the guy do what he does. All right It's a good point, Tom. Yeah, leave the children out of it and you're fine. I don't see the big fucking problems I've had a guy jerk off on a bus. Do you guys get that a lot here public transportation jerkers? No, not in new york. No A lot of masturbators here Dallas in Dallas On a bus just on a bus It's horrifying, isn't it? Howdy, ma'am Oh

All right, y'all They're all so polite We got yes jeans. Oh, yeah, here's a guy on a train. Did you ever see something like this on a train? Yeah Can you hear that? Damn, he's just he's a black guy screaming all the honkies on the train That's so great. He's like y'all fucking honkies Which one of you honkies took my dollar? That's what he's saying

And then the guy recording goes this is the part where all the white people leave the train Fucking honkies Which you don't hear and nearly enough of is reverse racism I'd like to hear some more honky talk cracker talk. Don't you think but the thing is it doesn't It's fucking it is hard. Yeah, somebody calls you a honky. You're like, okay I know Like it's not like hey, man. You can't say that shit Do you realize how many honkies are here, huh?

That's true. Yeah, nobody gives a shit. It's not menacing enough. Yeah. No It's fucking it sounds like a fucking cute nickname for a kid. I know like hey you little honky Little remember little smokies. Isn't that racist those little sausages nobody thought like I guess we're gonna find out Little smokies. Isn't that a derogatory term as well? Uh, okay. Well, that's what I heard. You brought it up. Yeah Um No, the term uh, there's it's a racist term to call somebody a smoke. Oh, okay. That's an old school racist Right, right. I mean south terrifying. Yeah, but you put some lil in front of it and it's a cute little Little smoke

No, I think that still has the same thing Yeah, I don't know if I want to talk about that What's that black people are native americans Oh, that's what that's from Oh, what am I? I don't know. I'm asking professor. I don't know Um, I don't know I don't know where all any of that should come You look up what like all the

Derogatory terms it's insanity. Like yuki. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. You'll get like sad and you'll be like, are they just making shit up? There's too many But yeah, yeah, the south really teaches you I didn't know anything really. I'd never heard racist shit until I moved when I was a freshman in high school to florida florida I was like, oh my god, really florida Like we're like what not like miami and shit though Yeah Well, miami is more like

It's it's more diverse and and because there's more Races, they're more openly hating each other. You don't feel as badly about it Like, you know, it doesn't feel like racism because it's it's like racial minorities all openly hating each other Like who hates who the most would you say like there's okay? There's like island they call like island black people Hate american black people and then american like in miana hates right Okay, she's like behemian like fucking down there. LeBron would hate y clef. Gotcha Understand I love like left. Yeah. Yeah and be open about it. Like you hear it openly and you're like, okay

It's between you guys But white people hate other white people. I mean, you know serbians and croats and That's true. Yeah, foreigners and us. I'm more fond of asian racism. That makes me happy Between asian between asians. Yeah, it's fucking amazing. They really do because all of us Feel like like if you're black white and spanish, you just you just watch it like a show you're like, look at this shit And they they so openly do what's your ethnic background? Vietnamese. Yeah, you're down on the ladder and Yeah, natural, right? And you

They're dim sum and they're kung fu. Now, are they they're fucking assholes, huh? Yeah, see They are assholes. I'm just trying to walk you into that. You know what I mean? Like, what do you hate the most about chinese people? Oh, they think you're the awesomest chinese. Yeah, and you know Oh It'd be so cool if our show was responsible for a racial war Say it again Yeah, yeah See so funny now if you're white don't you feel better about yourself?

This is this is turning into a clan rally like what What from podcast the clan rally we didn't we just opened the door and then she walked through it She was like, let me take the lead right here. I got I got what you want Do you guys is anybody is anybody in here looking for a job? Did you want to read this posting on craigslist for a job? Okay Sir, you don't know if you don't want this job yet. You don't know are you addicted to farting? The wording of this is amazing. This is okay. Do you take farting burping and pooping to the next level? Do you eat certain foods to keep your farts and burps extra smelly?

Do you collect your farts and jars? Do you embarrass your boyfriend girlfriend husband or wife in public by unleashing gas in public? Yeah, do you or someone you know engage in unusually disgusting behavior? Yes check check. All right That's not that's not fair first of all Why we aren't his the best we aren't just looking We aren't looking for just a friend who farts on you That's not the criteria We are looking for people who take it to and in all capital letters

the extreme If this sounds like you or someone you know, please email us directly at strange addictions casting at gmail.com With your name contact info age photo and a brief description of your addiction Compensation is provided for stories chosen. We look forward to hearing from you Well, I like in parentheses Yeah, the the title is tv casting. Are you addicted to farting question mark nationwide? Yeah Alaska sure wherever you fart fucking send it in so ridiculous Who you I think you should king a stripper

Absolutely, they would see his submission be like, you know, we turn this into a one-hour special Um He would have one person he would have his own network. Yeah, it's so talented. So great poor guy Is he still on live leak? Yeah, he won't be on they can't they take him down off of youtube all the time Yeah, yeah, he's on live leak. He keeps posting new videos Which i'm embarrassed to say you are not commenting on them enough He um, yeah, he's really fucking he's doing the Lord's work and A lot of shows obviously

Take from us. You guys know this. Um, they're they're totally stealing our shit So ridiculous. Yeah, I'm saying, you know, I know what you're saying Right now, I don't know what you're saying So, you know, I'm saying Like for instance somebody just pointed out that these guys are stealing from us right now Oh Little boozy wipe me down That's our shit boozy. Oh shit

What's up with him The song what you think he's webby talking about little boozy Before a little boozy li lb o o z ie s ie. Oh, i'm sorry. Yeah That's what's up Here, um, yeah, here they are talking about this is before he got out. He just got out. I'm so glad they're free little boozy Right back at you nigga. I'm still in an eight-time thug and niggas been I ain't been asleep nigga, this the next day nigga Two bottles on dick nigga ain't gonna stop nigga. This the next day nigga. We've been fucking with holes

I'm drinking all night. I got I got two of them coming. You heard I'm saying hey, bro I'm going ham in the pain bad room city. Well, yeah, this your boy number one b I represent two two five. I'm all the way loud here. They fucking my little cousin web. You hear I'm saying Free booze man y'all with that bullshit job can't hold my nigga down. You hear I'm saying That ain't ain't do shit man. Y'all need to cut that shit out. Y'all know y'all here when I say They ain't do shit, but nigga do a nigga something. I believe that's what I'm saying My

What the fuck is he saying my favorite part he's saying like hey man No, really do you understand what he's saying because I literally don't know what he's saying I have no fucking idea. Definitely. No, what he's saying Okay, uh, he was saying Shit like I mean I can't say all the words but he was saying Like we're hanging out and we're having a good time tonight All right No, I'm serious. Can you like can you really decode this because I really don't okay. Here's the d. All right. Here. Are you gonna?

Yeah, sure. Here's translate. Okay Here, let's go back to the top Oh, sorry Here he is. Um, all right, right back at you nigga. I'm still in the eight-time thug and nigga. They're in Atlanta having a good time Are you fucking serious? Yeah You understand this for sure. Fuck off. Was this subtitled when you got the clip? No Serious still in the eight-town thug and what do you think? Oh, fuck off. Play it again. Let me see if I hear that You didn't hear that. No, fuck off right back at you nigga. I'm still in the eight-time thug and nigga

Right right back at you. Somebody said something first. I don't fucking know. Okay. Okay, right. Yeah still in eight town thug Thugging. Yeah, okay. Sorry Good. Okay. Okay. Let's go on and I ain't been asleep nigga. This the next day nigga It's super late. It's the next day. So they're up. It's like fucking four in the morning right now Fucking rapper whisper. How do you know this shit? How do you know I'm saying? You speak full, you know what I'm saying. I can't believe this Come on How do you fucking all right play that again? Let me let me I gotta go go ahead

Two bottles on dick nigga ain't gonna stop nigga. It's the next day nigga. We've been fucking with hoes. I'm drinking all night I got I got two of them coming. You heard I'm saying that's very self-explanatory. Uh-huh It's he just he repeated shit. It's the next day again. We've got bottles and we got two of them coming There's girls coming over we got two of them coming two of them. Yeah, okay. Yeah That's super clear. Oh, yeah, okay This guy he could be fucking secretary of state. This is a fucking great test Hey, I'm going ham in the paint bad rude city. Well, yeah, this your boy number one b Bad rude city. So he's louisiana guy. Where you at? I cannot believe you understand all of this right now

This is like your second language Yeah, the fuck dude. All right I represent 225. I'm all the way loud here. They fucking my little cousin web. You hear me? Yeah, I'm saying this life free my brother nigga. They're free boozing man. Y'all with that bullshit My favorite is that when people say free somebody as if Like it's up to like people that hear that like we should let him out. Yeah Like he's like free like someone's gonna be like, yeah Yeah, that's a good point like we should come out

And then he's like y'all know you all Who are not letting him out like someone is actually like even if a prison guard was like we should free boozy Like like he could just open up the fucking door Right, or this is like an appeal to the judge. Yeah, like the judge is like this is the circuit of appeals. Yeah, absolutely And that ain't ain't no shit man. Y'all need to cut that shit out. Y'all know y'all here when I say y'all Yeah, who who Y'all know who you are when you say who He's keeping boozy down, man. The warden like man, shit

Everybody's talking about boozy. We got to finally let him out. So funny. Like it's a door nigga something I believe every nigga we ain't fucking hate town. They got a hooked up nigga. We in the back seat like we're in the roads I'm lost. I don't know what the fuck he's saying. We're in the back seat. We're having a good time in the car This This is like watching lock up, you know when we watch lock up, but they have to subtitle it. No, that's what I mean This is similar I You got that one

I got to get new draws because the bitch tried to bit my dick off. Okay. All right Now we're speaking your language That's what's up Is he Puerto Rican? I don't think so All right, here's another another fucking look these motherfuckers are also trying to steal Yeah, this is bullshit people are stealing from us our show. We don't fucking run this shit Fill me up fill me up. Yeah, we understand where you got that from Fill me up

Oh Fill me up Fill me up What a dog shit song, huh? That is fucking unbelievable. Who buys this? She fucking stole that shit from us, man. She stole it from us. She stole it from us and speaking of Steal her All right, you guys all right, this is fill her up seal her shut Brooklyn edition

I'm gonna have to go. Okay, mommy. Here we go. Let's do the dudes first. I'm gonna go old school Brooklyn Here we go. This is really a hard one biggie smalls With his wonky eyes I put He always talked to the full mouth of food. Yeah, or ODB Okay, oh Your baby's mama. So this is a Brooklyn dead dude edition

right Well dead rappers. Yes, but we love them both, right? Yes. Yes. What are you? What are you thinking? Oh All right dirt McGurk assuming they're both alive for this one, right big baby cheese. Yeah, peanut the kidnapper King of all rainbows the prince of all rainbows prince of all Okay, I would say go ahead My thing is that biggie Is going to be a little more easy to deal with

He's like 330. Okay, so he's not really gonna hammer it that hard. I don't think he might even lay on his back ODB might fucking roll a joint laced with coke and meth and be like we're gonna fuck wow And he might be like Ivan slips in six days Or shower to be like covered in shit and you're like, uh Yeah, he was disgusting and then you know, he likes it raw Yeah So you can't even wrap it up with him. I think it's gonna be a problem I think I would just try to get away from the problem, right

Because also like, you know, I've seen the the yo mtv raps or the the cribs one of them where they went with him to the welfare office Yeah In a limo when he pulls up in the limo, he's like, I gotta get my food stand like And he's in the limo zine. You're like Like I feel like ODB is gonna get you pregnant and you're just never gonna see him again I'll get you pregnant. Yeah, and then I feel like biggie will be like, yeah, you can stay here and there's a sandwich for you too You know, like biggie biggie would take care of you I feel like I feel like he'd be like you can't stay at my main house, but I got like eight cribs

Oh for sure. Yeah, yeah, you know what I'm saying, but here's the thing ODB like I got this bridge you can live on Yeah See I like what you're doing you're going for a lifestyle choice. Yeah lifestyle choice. You understand you're doing what not even thinking about the sex Really a pleasure. You're thinking like a hoe. Thanks. Yeah, which I really admire. I feel like biggie's captain save a hoe. Yep, right Uh, I'm gonna go straight for like sexual experience. Okay, biggie. How how many bills was he realistic? Let's see He was like 320 330. He's a big dude. Yeah wonky-eyed Yeah I'm gonna go I'm gonna go ODB because

Yeah Because you're a fucking animal if we're going for like if we're going for you know getting it in I'm so glad this is recorded because that is That is exhibit a your honor She chose ODB At our filler up seal her shut But you know I'm saying just for getting it in you know I'm saying like you're up for a good night You know I'm saying like there's gonna be blow

There's gonna be bitches. There's gonna be Hennessy and alize You're gonna fuck all night. Yo, right now. I don't know what you're saying I'm gonna go ODB just for the story because biggie biggie's cool, but ODB is a fucking story, you know Yeah, that's a good story. We did some crazy shit Yeah, it's your story is your story is like here's my story. Now I have hep C I have AIDS All right, what's the what's the female? Let's get the fucking broads in here, right? Well in the same vein, let's do

Lil Kim, okay Present tense Lil Kim not all school We're doing present what you don't like my face Or foxy brown I'm gonna try to spoken Tommy. What do you think? Oh fucking foxy 100% real. Yeah She's got a nice ass. I feel like she would like do it kind of controlling be like, yeah, you're gonna eat this ass motherfucker And then she would put on some of her old jams. I'd be like, I like this song and I go back to eating right It's stupid

What what is foxy brown up to she's cute. She still looks good. She's sleeping Good for her Lil Kim lost her fucking mind. She did she looks bananas. It's sad But that's why I'm gonna choose Lil Kim Jesus along the same line of reasoning is that that bitch is fucking cray like she's legit cray cray be crazy sex She she'll really go to town on you. Really forced you to do things. You didn't think you were gonna do and you're like Oh my god, I fucking I can look him shut my head down there and you think when you get scared she'd be like look at my fucked up face She was cute she was cute before that

So that's the great irony of the people that have the super fucked up faces You go back and you're like you had a pretty you were pretty cute before and now you look like a fucking alien like Yeah, like Meg Ryan was super cute, dude And now she's all fucking jacked up. Yeah, what's her name got it done? What's the one from uh friends? She just had her face Monica Cox corny cox is now like every like you see like her acting. She's like, oh All right, super skinny too. I'm super mad at you right now Okay, uh, so that so yeah, so let's pull the room. Let's fucking Jesus christ. All right. Who here would choose odb

Hey Who would choose biggie smalls? Wow Come on you fucking hoes Who would choose Little chem Who would choose foxy brown? Another point for the main mommy how dare you

Oh Not on my side tonight. How dare you sir get out. What's up? Um, oh my god. All right. We got to get this. Let me see where we at here Oh, you know what you got to do son. Yeah, here we go. I'm so excited to play this for you guys Um Pull your jeans up. Hey, buddy. It's top dog Hey, buddy. It's top dog Hey, buddy

It's top dog You need to write down It's top dog. All right Um top dog is the best man. I talked to him Two nights ago, I believe. Yeah, and uh, yeah, this conversation speaks for itself um You can tell that's totally genuine. I have completely fooled my family Now that we have a recorded line that is not my phone

They don't even know so every phone call now. They're like, what is this? I'm like, it's my house phone. What's you? What are you doing? And then You'll hear on tomorrow on the episode that comes out tomorrow. I got both of my sisters Uh on the phone and they're pretty fucking drunk. It's fantastic. It's intense All right, so intense Let's get top dog here. Here we go See if this works Top dog. Where are you?

Hey, buddy. Hey, what's up? Oh, it's just flexible tv. Yeah Yeah What are you watching? Uh watching one of those, uh, you know This this what this one is called You know, it's it's one of those, uh criminal shows You know excessive passions and I watch all the murder killing Uh robbery

Uh You know psychopath tv shows. Yeah, it kind of speaks to your heart Yeah, I mean it does they're they're they're kind of neat and they're and then you're not on date. It's uh That's one eleven. It's called investigation discovery. Okay. Yeah And so I pretty much am an expert on you know Murder suicide and and how dumb some criminals really are can you press pause for a second? Sure. Hold on. Hold on. Let me in

Every conversation for my entire life Every single time I talk to him. I have to say can you fucking turn that down, please? Hurts your feelings after a while, huh? After so many years because now like you hear the tv and like It's literally six times a week. I go. Can you fucking turn that down? Yeah, give me a second like Wouldn't you know turn it down? No, it's so rude. Let me press pause Hold on buddy Not real good with these volume switches here

Volume switches technology is not my strong suit. Okay. Um sounded like somebody was screaming in the background Yeah, yeah, she got escaped. She was out in the woods I mean out in the desert and this guy was gonna try to kill her and some some Road biker just happened to be out there road bike. You know these guys on a bicycle, you know, I get my motorcycle. Okay Road biker And uh So our screening and this guy was chasing her trying to kill her in a pickup truck And the guy in the motorcycle picked her up and basically saved life

Wow, why do you think you're so fascinated with murder and psychopaths and extreme crimes and stuff I think a lot has to do with when I was in the Marine Corps. It basically turned you into a killing machine So is it like nostalgic to watch these shows? No, I think you just get programmed that way To to want to kill or just be interested in that world Just kind of interested in the whole The whole thing. Yeah

I mean, I was you know You know, I I I mean I was You know, I kind of Appreciated, you know the the violence of it all, you know I appreciate the violence of it all I am in a world of hell Do you miss that violence? Well

Hesitation this is horrible to say because you know, but I always liked aggressive behavior when I was whether it was football or in the Marine Corps If you think about weightlifting, it's an aggressive act Yeah, so you channel that aggression through your weightlifting, right? Right, right. So, you know, it's it's a short aggressive act And so I think it's You know, you can Maybe that's I think I like I never would I never would run a marathon

I get too bored Would have the body for it, but even if I could I wouldn't do it Because I wouldn't couldn't focus for three hours or four hours or I love these people to do it and you know six hours and maybe 58 minutes, you know, they close the course and do, you know I ran a marathon Yeah, they close the course He's just mocking marathon runners right here It's like

Now but the thing you know, what's funny about you and aggression is that you never Strike me as a particularly aggressive person like you don't have An aggressive personnel. I don't think people read you as aggressive, but it's so it's built into you though Oh, it is because but again, that's part of that's where discipline comes in Right course is all about discipline. Okay, right So if you were undisciplined you'd be punching people in the mouth all the time Oh, absolutely Yeah, oh, yeah, do you think about the fact that you're being disciplined when you're not showing your aggression?

Uh On occasion on occasion. Yeah, I mean there there is a protector Situation I'm having to deal with right now. That's driving me crazy in my I really had to When I when I really want to just feel like I need to rip somebody's eyeballs out I have to dial it down and go into my professional mode Mm-hmm Yeah, I feel that I have a lot of aggression I have aggression, you know, yeah, well, I'm sure I'm sure yeah

Yeah But you know, I think it's I think that's that's a conversation with my father. So here's something about me. Yeah Did you hear what I said? Yeah Yes, and not a lot of a give and take in the emotional department. It can be um I think it can be healthy. Okay. Yeah, because I think that People they don't have a way of the way to deal with their aggression Like right now I'm playing chess. Okay Don't play the game

But it's always time when you're just pulverizing right No Do you I think it's do you miss killing people though? No, no, no, I don't miss that I always try to bait him into that I think he does. I so want him to be like, yeah, yeah Like you don't ever want to just go out and kill everybody that day

Well, there were days when I was in Vietnam that's that's all you thought about no, but I'm saying like in the last few years Well, there yeah, I would When I look around and see you know, some Some things that have happened with terrorists and other things um And you know some of the real Injustices in the world

um Yeah, you you really want to do something about it. Absolutely. He's talking about being like captain america. Yeah I wanted to be like sometimes in the grocery store. I want to kill her Do you do you think he does get to that level of like because we all do as humans. Yeah, but do you think Yes, it's just because of the discipline. Yeah. Yeah, it's all about discipline I noticed that he looks down like he definitely looks down on like outbursts of anger Oh, yeah, if I'm like what the fuck he's always looking me like God, you're pathetic like

You know what I mean? Like if you just like let it out. He's just like hold it down then murder somebody He is polite like patrick beatman. You ever want to just kill mom though and get it over with Okay, absolutely not that I go do you ever want to just kill mom and get it over with absolutely not Because I always wanted him to be like, yeah, I'd like to kill your mother Okay, um I think maria has your aggression. I think she's ready to kill. Oh, yeah, she does maria maria's a naturally aggressive person. Yeah Yeah, yeah, um You never told me the

Your last cruise. Did you enjoy it? I didn't even talk to you about it and then toilet paper good The toilet paper was above average, you know, I'm kind of a kind of sewer of all that as you know, of course, yeah and consider myself kind of you know Someone who really is kind of like art collectors, you know, there's people to consider as I'm wine tasting People that you know, like, you know, pina gregios and cabernets Uh, I know toilet paper like in the same category I

Actually thought about writing Kind of a a book called toilet paper monthly. Okay. That's a book that would come out every month No, no, it would be kind of like a newsletter. Oh, okay And go around the country Sampling different toilet papers I mean, I don't know that you need to go around the country to sample different toilet papers I think you could just order the toilet papers and try them

Well, that's true. That's true. That's true. But you know, I like I'm pretty good with with with toilet paper and have has your bowels been healthy lately What's that? Have your bowels been healthy lately? Oh, I've been I've been really good lately. Yeah. Yeah I watch what I ate on the cruise ship. So I didn't have any of those Kind that you want to write home and tell your kids about Yeah You know, I mean, I've I've gone crazy on some cruise ships

Hmm Yeah That's good. But uh, you know, I'm getting older. I have to watch what I eat Yeah, I just can't so I've definitely shrunk the volume of my stomach Over the years just by watching what I mean Hmm. That's good. I had a horrendous shit this morning Did you really? Yeah Oh, that makes me happy. That makes me happy. Very loose and explosive. Yeah

Um oddly enough, he really engages you on that topic. Yeah, he goes. Did you really? Yeah The hell you say then he goes that makes me happy as opposed to sometimes I feel the same way dad. He's like, yeah Who gives a shit? Yeah. Tell me about your dumps, buddy. Yeah It's pretty telling Tell your therapist about that. Really? Mm-hmm Oh That's good You think so dad

You know, I mean, I think I think that There's you know, as you get let me tell you something else when you get older, you know, when you're younger You're always thinking about good looking women and you know, this and that and fast race cars when you get older You'll appreciate a good shit I think yeah, I appreciate that now. But yeah, I think I'll appreciate it more But you know, there's so many thin women out there. I don't think the women really Um

appreciate Shitting the way we do. Yeah, you've said that before Well, you know, they have little let's face it. Does it bother you ever notice? You ever know? Well, you know, you ever know some women shit They know they just kind of disappear and then they come back and they act like nothing happened. What are they supposed to do? What guys give me that? Ah boy Yeah, drop the big one there. Yeah You know what I mean and girls don't do that

Girls don't do that So they should an ideally for you a woman would walk away and then come back and go like, whoa I really dropped a fucking load in there Absolutely That's good, you know, women women are funny. They the same thing with farts, you know I think these guys sometimes will have a big fart and Hey, sometimes that's you know Women they fart they went the last time you ever saw a woman in a mixed crowd

Admit that she had a fart in a mixed crowd Yeah, never, right? Yeah, no, they don't like to do that. They don't like to do that to own the fart They don't own it. I don't know Yeah, no, let me tell you the the older you get the more you realize you're just Basic fundamental differences between sexes farting is one of them Farting is one of them You know what's so funny tommy is that your father has brought that debate up with me

I think when he first met me He assumed because I was from california that I was this like people's republic of california Yeah, I think he assumed that I was this like granola You know super liberal super feminist, which I am super feminist, but he But he likes to talk to me about brown and farts and stuff. Yeah, that's what I like about. Yeah I think that's why he likes me. You know, I said we should do dude next time we go home Uh is to to do a toilet paper challenge with him. He would love that. Yeah Like let's actually buy like expensive not so much and let's see if he can just do it by wipes

It would scare you how seriously he took that The challenge I think we should do it. I really I I wipe with this one. I noticed texture wasn't of my favorite They don't really have the quality i'm looking for yeah, he would go into super detail about that I like that. Let's do it. We have to wrap this up. So we have one more thing for you guys. Wow The french Uh, we love you guys so much. Thank you so much for coming. Yeah, you guys are great. Really really special. Thank you It almost makes me cry. It really does because this is like, oh my god, I'm gonna cry No, seriously, this started as something so stupid and to have you guys come out and to appreciate what we do is like

So wonderful. So thank you guys Uh, I'm not gonna cry. Okay. I'm like tearing up. I'm so stupid. All right, sharkish The french okay, um And of course We will be out there saying hi and we brought we brought stuff. We brought bikes shirts bikes Um bikes and we brought uh jeans unit shirts Uh

That one's so dumb. So stupid. Um Yes, and they're they're super discounted for our live shows. So if you want one we have them But first it's time for a little bit of this I Love this song so much. That's great. Would you rather? All right, what do you got? This one's a listener submission. This is from a guy named, uh, jeremy, I believe so would you rather No matter what time of day it is and no matter how much you brush your teeth You always have morning breath. Oh fuck my asshole. Yeah

Or at all times it feels like you should have wiped one extra time That's well constructed The best constructed ones are the ones where both are horrifically undesirable. So simple and good Mouth or ass that's really what that's about Here's the thing bro is that I go through the butt thing a lot like already I feel like my life is a cycle of like I should have wiped again. I should have there's that white life Why don't you name your album? I should have wiped again Yeah, right

The wife such a good name for an album the the wipe left behind there's always one more wipe in me Motherfuck. Yeah, I feel like I feel like You know less people are gonna find out about your white problem Yeah, your breath problem is gonna really I mean everyone knows what it's like to have morning breath and whatever So It's horrific. I mean, it's not just you know for who you're into when you talk to people Yeah, you talk to people and you're like Jesus fucking Christ like Who's like I called you and I told you that I was talking to somebody like this. I was like, yeah, man

I know what you're saying. Uh-huh. You know I'm saying do I had a friend whose mother drank coffee in the morning didn't brush and then wouldn't brush all day Coffee and then life every day and then no brush every day. That was the daily routine brush at night And she had a thing the thing was she was like, I don't like the way like that toothpaste taste So that's why I don't do it. I don't like that, you know that That minty fresh thing fucks with me I like that coffee morning breath and that coffee morning breath. That's even worse. That's foul as shit, man

It is like I think you'd go with the one I would go One wipe all the time because like you said I'm already there. It's like that all the time anyway. Yeah Let's do a poll you guys who takes morning breath takes morning breath all the time Yes, yeah, you feel it and you smell it. It's everything everybody who takes having to wipe all the time Yeah So this is really important work we're doing at these shows Guys Okay, uh, this one we just came up with today in light of our trip to new york city. This is for you guys

Okay Okay, would you rather? Have your cabbie who's just told you his life story and his invention. I invented a thing and I'm gonna be in the car Make some beep, you know what I mean? Yeah That guy you got to invite him to your home for dinner And then he recaps all the same shit that he told you in the car and you got to be like, uh, huh? Yeah, no, he's like, are you interested like you want to buy it or what? Yeah

And then wait then he spends the night And in the morning, he's like hey Do you want to do you want to buy the thing I told you about last night? Let's talk about this some more and you got to talk about it all over again. Yeah, so you talk to him basically for six hours That's one Or you can undo all of that horribleness if you lick The back seat of the cab

Suck on those nuts new york Intense see one is really good physical repulsion and the other is psychological warfare. What do you choose? I'm sorry He's sleeping on your couch, bro. Yeah couch or guest room He's not in the way, but like when you get up and you're like, I gotta make some problems Like you thought about the thing I told you about last night And you're drinking coffee. It's your it's your kitchen and he's like, bro. What do you think about my luggage thing and you're like Lick it see

Because that's quick and dirty Yep, you're gonna be sick. You're gonna get diarrhea. Yeah All right, let's do it. You lick the whole back seat. You give him a blowjob too. You lick the whole back seat Oh, that's an interesting one actually. Oh, we're gonna mend it now. Now you're blowing them. Well, now I that's fucking both Change the game a little bit like excuse me, sir No, here's why we won't do blowing because that sets off homophobic stuff with guys. I know guys are weird about That's sucking dick, right? So I mean you can suck a dick if you want to All right, all right, I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna

I my disdain for humanity I'm gonna go for licking the seats I'm with you I'm with you. I'm looking the back seat matter of fact Who's licking the seats? Yeah, who's who's having the guy over for conversations? It's a good split. You know what those people are either really patient Or they just don't pay attention. That's

That's a good thing because I know my dad would be like what yeah, he wouldn't care He'd be like tell me the thing again about the beeps But is it that's a personality trait where other people would bother you Burt's like that Burt'll hang out with fucking anybody. Yeah, if you see Burt krisher on the road That fucking guy He'll give you his phone number like anybody could be like, what's your number? Like I told him about somebody I was like, yeah, he's like give me his number I was like, well, I'll give you his email. Like I didn't give him a he's like, oh, you're my number to everybody

I was like Why he's like, I have fucking self esteem issues. I don't know He gives people a fucking phone number anybody and everybody he'll hang out with the cab driver and drink with them and shit Absolutely. He's a better person than we are. Maybe that's what that is. He stays out If you fucking he'll stay out with you fucking five in the morning. Yeah All right, that was fun What was your name again? You and I are isolationists. We like to hole up in the hotel room and die of loneliness and crochet. All right. What's it?

This is the final one. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, okay All right, this one's sweet. Actually, I was only gonna do two but we'll do the third one This one's just so cute. This one's a very soft one. This is submitted from mary alice and penny the dog My muse I know because I'm a fucking dog lady, man This is just cute as shit. Would you rather try to sleep while listening to your dog? lick his or her genitals on your bed all night You know what that is all night every night Oh, that's the cutest or

Try to sleep while listening to your dog scratch At his or her collar making the tags jingle loudly all night every night, right that tink tink tink tink. Yeah I know the fifinator does that My problem is my fucking sick What if we couldn't bring him it's too hard of a trip about how about I lick and I scratch and you fucking deal with this They're both horrific I'm gonna go for just the genitals because the tink tink tink. I can hear through my earplugs. The tink tink is fucking horrific, man Yeah, it's like listening to you breathe at night. It's a goddamn

I love you I love you too. This is how we hold each other at arm's length Then when we when we start to argue then we uh, like if it gets we're like mad at each other, then we'll be like Hey, you fucking Jew pig piece of shit like That's true. Just use slurs that don't apply We use racial slurs with each other And then we're like, all right, I love you again

He you decide he decides how long before he loves me again Yeah, it's really funny because I can tell he holds it right. I'll be like, do you love me again? He's like, yeah, okay. It could be like hours later like two days later Yeah, withhold the love. Yeah, it's healthy That's what marriage is all about Control your marriage. You're like, you know, I stopped loving you yesterday Yeah, he's so swear. It's true. Absolutely. It's true. It's man. It's amazing power. You should use it in your life I haven't loved you in two days. You know that?

We should do a marriage seminar, huh? All right, we gotta go. Uh, you guys are amazing. Thank you for coming Thank you We'll be out there very shortly. We'll leave you with this ghost cruise song. Thank you. Love you jeans You don't say Honestly, you don't say like You don't say You don't say By that same french excellence, you don't say like

He wants to be the mayor You don't say Hey You don't say you don't say You don't say right You don't say Like this Do anyone understand

Hey The truth Who is it for No, it's not for me Someone at your door The one you know