Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Live from Denver with Chuck Roy-221-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 14, 2014

Live from Denver with Chuck Roy!

You know what happened? What just happened? You were very bad. What happened? You let the thing escape. I Wouldn't so much let it escape as I forced it to happen. Yeah. Well, you know, do you wish that our listeners could have heard it? Yeah, I do. I just you know, we weren't properly Set up yet for it. Do you think you would have registered high? Oh Man what it's SWV just chillin out Popping this for days text me back to 93 going to public school of middle Milwaukee

Yeah, this is 93 the year I was in high school junior year Okay Check it out. Check it out Sometimes Yeah and girls had on the The the suspenders the jeans the denim suspenders, but with one strap. Oh, I rock that you rock that I did Yeah, wait, I'm not overalls. I mean, yeah, the overalls they put one down. Sure. I did that in the 90s

Yeah, I think others when I was on road rules. I even do that So many handjobs of this song This is like this is why I think you're my grade black girl that my come rain me I was out at the song. Yeah Come on on me. Let your come just fall like rain. Just come I like it here drop rain. They come all the comes following the whole song Spill you come rain

It is like seven the grade all over again Rain to come And All right, can you make your come rain? Yeah, of course, I'm totally that's my just my shit, man Jeans Welcome back to the show banks. I missed it. You're not even on the show. We're about to but we got a Want you to be here for this? Well, I'm home for the next two days And so I thought I'd say hello on this episode and

Again, I'm so sorry. I couldn't make it to Denver but from the tom tells me it was amazing And you guys are in for a real treat listening to this. It's awesome. They were awesome. Um a couple things Firstly, I want to say that both live audiences were amazing Denver and Seattle And uh, thanks for being understanding about the situation Here's where I um I fucked up. So I want to make this fully aware. I mean, this is just important to me You know when we go we we do these shows We prepare audio

And I thought I prepared enough to do two separate shows and I didn't I needed all the audio So all I'm saying is you have two very different shows. Uh this week. We're going to play Live from Denver on friday. It'll be a tom and christina episode a regular episode um Then next week I believe next Wednesday we'll do live from Seattle And all I'm I just like to put it out there because I feel badly about it You'll hear a lot of the the same audio clips not in the same order the drops the drops

Yeah, like so, you know, there's a different opening clip for Seattle and Denver But I end up basically recycling the clips because I just didn't prepare enough for it I didn't know and just so you guys know like sometimes our live shows They don't all go stellar. So sometimes we do recycle clips on the live shows You know, just because sometimes I can't all be home runs guys and we don't always want to put them up if they weren't stellar Yeah, I just felt badly about that's why I felt the need to Explain that I know jeans, but you know something the mommies are very understanding. They are love you and and yeah And I say the same thing, you know, I I realize that like I would hear the clip and say the same thing

Oh the same the same joke or the same thought about it, you know But just the way it goes But the thing to really celebrate and get excited about is we have two very different guests and they were both awesome And I think you'll enjoy Today's episode Denver. We have Chuck Roy Chuck Woolery's on it. Chuck Woolery and also Chuck Roy He's a great comic comic and actor at a Denver and then

Next week when you hear live from Seattle The great Yoshi who our audience is very familiar with and he did not disappoint in his Yoshi I can't imagine what was said on that show. Yeah, um, it's it's bananas. So yeah, I'm excited to my shows hopefully over soon the next Yeah, and people keep of course asking and I keep telling I can't talk about it and then, you know, they don't care Well, I'm so excited for when I can't tell you guys what I've been doing and yeah And we can discuss it and and be open because there's so much to say There's so much to say about what I've been doing. I know I can't wait to talk about it

And hopefully you can talk to to your production about when's the okay date to talk, you know, um Just know that being said It is Wednesday and tomorrow um the 15th Of may I will be in Cincinnati my home city Doing go bananas Thursday Friday and Saturday and

My feature act this week. I got very lucky just happened to be able to work this out is denim on denim jeff tate Wow, are you are you gonna pay him in hot dogs and gatorade hot dogs gatorade denim shirts and jackets? Um, I'm really excited to work with jeff and if you've never seen him. He's believed me. He's worth it So please come to go bananas thursday friday or saturday and um, then I come back here And um shortly thereafter. I have some california dates. I have uh, I have brea The improv in june. I also have san jose in june and then buffalo. I'm doing helium buffalo Um to add some more excitement. I have some la dates. I'm doing a all things comedy date may 27th here in la

I don't know the venue. I'm doing um What are those guys? Joel and and the cleft clips, you know, I'm talking about Joel mandal corn. Yeah. Yeah, I'll do a hot tub show On I believe it's june second in silver lake and then I'm doing um meltdown Uh june 11th in hollywood. You have so much stuff going on. Yeah. Yeah. So that's that's what's up Guys, also, I know I've you know, I've been the best mother to you On the last month, but I assure you it's coming to a close and I implore you Please come see me june 6th at the fun house in portland, oregon

I'm doing one night only and stand up there and what's just added june 7th and see adel Washington at the rondevue theater you can buy tickets to both of these shows on christina comedy dot com Or your mom's house podcast dot com and I will make these shows If I have to fucking well, there's no way people I will not not but just to be clear because people ask me about this The production that you're on ends before this. It's gonna end well before this. So there's no worry. There's no way I am not not making this. All right All right. Well, you sound like you're you know Anything else tom anything else?

Oh my god Shit, all right um I You got food in your teeth. I can see it. I'm getting over being sick. I was sick in denver. I was sick in seattle You know why why because we've been apart. Yeah, and our lives are falling apart. Thank you a little bit reminder. I know I think we need to come back. I can't wait to come back to you and sort our lives out again, man I believe me. I'm I'm

Fuck been living in a hotel since middle of april. It's not normal freaking out freaking out. I was speaking of freaking out guys Let's see. What holidays do we have coming up? July 4th is coming up. You got to buy a barbecue, right? You got to buy a whole new grill, right? You got to buy charcoal. You got to buy flags You got to buy firecrackers. Go to amazon.com to do that. Do they sell firecrackers? I don't think so, but I'm you know sparklers sparklers Like david tells us yeah guys if you're gonna go to amazon.com to do your shopping I implore you to go through our website your mom's house podcast.com There is a banner on the bottom and on the side of the page home page and on every other page

I believe click on that It'll take you to amazon. Do your shopping is your normally would it's very simple You don't want to do anything else besides that. That's true didn't greasy It isn't buy your australian. My friend sent me a picture of australian dream. He's got a new ad out Did you know that he's got a new ad? Of course he does. Yeah, it's another this is um God what's it's another skin thing. It's like a skin condition. What's going on with chuck? Why is he the go-to guy? Why is he the go-to? Because he's beloved didn't greasy

His uh, it didn't greasy shirt by the way. Oh my god. You guys keep sending us photos of them. We retweet them We love when you get them It's a limited amount of them. So they'll probably be gone within the next. I don't know a few weeks Yeah, we got um, it's the only shirt we've ever I don't even have one yet I know it's the only one we've ever uh, we ordered women's sizes for so they have women's teas So awesome small medium. I don't know and then we think we have up to triple x guys shirts So what about for me and my triple d sloppers your sloppers? You know what I would do I would get the

The small women's shirt and then so a triple x men's shirt to the top of it. So you have both shirts together so you have The women's shirt for your lower torso and then you have um a triple x for your hangers didn't greasy Yeah, you know what's neat is that I've gotten fatter on here and shit on my tits I've gotten fatter on the show that I'm working on Yeah, and I you'll see the progression that my tits get enormous by weeks by episode six my tits are A garky ancho it they take over the show. I'm so bummed out So it's all about it's the only reason people fucking want to watch this show

Big dumb tits You're right about that. I hope to I have to get many new fans based on my big old dog tits My dog the bounty hunter wife tits. Yeah, of course man big old tits slip slops um, all right, so uh Thank you genes for sitting here momentarily to open the show. We're gonna record more episodes and put them up tomorrow I'm excited to do the show. Yeah. Yeah, you're doing the show again I'm so I miss it so much and I miss you and I miss everybody in mommy land big time at um at chuck roye That's our guests

Our guest hosts our guests are stepmoms Twitter your stepmom. Yeah, he's a stepmom Social um that has been in my head everybody's head fucking two weeks, dude And you know what sucks is like it's so specific to our show And I you know when you try to tell other people that don't listen to your mom's house about it And they're like what that doesn't sound good. I know you don't fucking know man. You don't know um, but yeah hit him up on twitter. He's at chuck roye and He's a great comic go see him if you're in denver anywhere wherever he's touring

Um, send him a tweet. Thank you chuck and thank you to everybody That came to the live denver show. They all missed you, but they were fan Fantastic. I love denver. I'm so excited to hear this episode. It's great. It's great. So that's it. We love you Love you genes. Can't wait to listen. Bye mommy Hi Thanks for coming Yes Thank are we good? Are we rolling?

Say it with more enthusiasm All right, we go, um Welcome to the place near the stadium It's fucking close, huh Who who comes here during the season is this like uh, do you guys come here normally? All right, turn it up Okay All right. Oh shit now you can hear me

Can you hear me? Yeah All right, um Yeah, so that's real fucking close. Who did you guys draft? I don't know You did not get fucking clowny liar Who did you get? Okay, that's a better answer. Um Yeah, thank you for coming out. Obviously, um, they told me that some people who I never understand when people get tickets And then they just like I'm just not going to go

Uh There's apparently people who just didn't show up. I don't know if they just start they think it's in the stadium or what but You guys are the best. Obviously, you know, christina is not here She wears loose genes And Frankly until she buys some new fucking denim. I'm not going to talk to her

She is shooting a show. It is not last comic standing. Um, everybody keeps like I know it's last comic standing and it's like, okay No, it's not. Um And then they're like just fucking admit it. Okay, I admit it and then you can watch last comic standing and not fucking see her on it So Yeah, she's not here. Um But you know what? I'm here. I'm breaking down physically and emotionally and mentally so I'm drinking some orange thing. Um But we're gonna have fucking fun tonight. I have a guest stepmom for you

Looks eerily like christina it's It's probably a fucking dead ringer for christina. Um, but we're gonna have a good time. Okay, you guys ready to have some fun Yeah Um It's ridiculous. This guy Is uh, he's a denver loke. He's one of your people. Uh, he has so much going on in show business right now. It's ridiculous. He, uh He shot a special That will be like a showcase like a few comics on it. Um, showcasing like how great and funny these guys are that'll be on like showtime

Uh, then he has a one hour special that he just shot. He just shot a movie Um, so he's much busier than me And he's here right now. So please welcome your guest host for this evening. Mr. Chuck Roy everybody. Let him hear it Will you Do you mind moving that so that they can see thank you. All right. Okay beautiful wonderful I got Yeah, so you did that perfect for the band give it up for the band everybody All right, um, that's my house band. That's my house band. Do you play instruments? No one

As a cock joke Big old bear, that's me. Hello. I feel like can I get one of those? Uh, I yeah, do you sell them? No, you don't sell that bear shirt. I was thinking about selling them Uh, I would give you one. I could I get one for free. Yeah, I got a spare I mean, it's you when you're here in town. I have four of them and you have four bear I had them made for the special that's fucking awesome and to this You know, you need to monetize your suit. You want this one? You don't have to give me the one you have on I give you we'll trade right now right now

We'll trade later then. All right Um, I just realized that I haven't checked my soundboard yet. Are you ready for some audio to play? I just want to make sure I don't Blow your fucking system out like I do every week at a different venue and they're like, ah, you fucked everything up So, all right, let's see if this works All right This is good that you tagged it. You did it just like the guy All right, um, let's see this works. That was good, right? Was that a good at level?

All right All right All right, okay, I got love from the back of the house. Yeah That's my section back there. It just varies Um, I thank you so much for doing this. I really appreciate it. This is going to be a fun time You have so much we're at the venue near the stadium. That's what we are This is you folks have a better view than us That's the part that I'm a little pissed about there's people listening who like I don't I don't even see the fucking view. Wow

Screw you. We have a gorgeous view of denver here today. Yeah, it's beautiful and sunny the donkey Donky dark Donky, uh, do you know about these guys? These are the hippie guys in town. They have all the good hippie bars hippie. Yeah, like hipster or no, no No, like grateful dad hippie. Oh, okay Like drugs. I didn't know anyone was so fun not sad and skinny. Okay. All right You know, I didn't know I didn't know hippie was still around. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's definitely hippies in denver That's we sell a lot of weed here

Yeah, I've heard I've heard about it That's why I move. I'm so happy that you get that now that you get to be the place that everybody tells Weed right like and you gotta wait. Just give it a little time. Uh-huh. And then you're gonna be like, will you shut the fuck up about Like the last 10 years before like it was Legally just being in california. That is every conversation that I had with anybody you live in california fucking 420 bro And you're like I don't want to talk to you anymore, man Yes, you know, I mean like just wears you down. Yeah, fuck you

um Right the same fucking conversation everywhere you go And that's why that's the same reason like I lie, uh on on flights Oh, okay, you know about like what I like what you do. Oh, okay. Oh, what is I have one? What is yours? I like I'll I always go like, um Like I say I'm in construction and then they'll be like you fly because you don't want to say you're a comedian to a stranger because they'll be like, come on Hit me up with a Uh one of your tell me a right one one of your sketches hit me up right now with one of them and you're like, no so

I'll be like I'm in construction and they're like you fly to go do construction and I'm like I'm like one of the best at it. Yeah, so And Nobody works on my keto like me. Yeah, man. I just They're like, what company do you work for and I'll be like Pepsi I'll build out big displays. We're just building displays and plants everywhere. Yeah, coax the motherfucker. So we're always trying to take him down Oh, you build the plants. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You build the plants. I had that wrong I'm trying to expand man. Yeah, there's a new Pepsi coming out next month. You'll see about it You see a bigger Pepsi than I do

Wait, what's your you're a better company man. I sell used tires. You tell people that. Yeah, is that a the idea? You know, we put them on a barge and then we ship them down to south america So people to understand the idea of the lie is how quickly can you end the conversation? So You want the worst example possible, you know, I mean like you want them to be like I have no more questions for you That's what you want them to do. Yeah for a whole year. I traveled in Golf shirts and sport coats. No. Yeah, I would wear sport coats on stays But I would dress it up with a golf shirt So I would look like the other golf shirt people

At the airport because I was just I just want to be one of those guys who's like I'm on a team and we're gonna hit our We're gonna hit our sales goal this this year. We're gonna go to this conference and Topeka's really gonna make it for us there, bob You know, I love this company. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I work for myself. I love this company Go to a city. We drink. We're stoned. It's good. You got any pot. Mm-hmm. Where are you from? Yeah, it's the fucking worst Yeah, I um, I've done insurance that'll usually shut it down I used to I thought sales because who would want to fucking ask you more sales questions

But then they're like me too. What's your special? I'm like, oh shit. Yeah And they want to they think it's a lead connect right right We're gonna get your card. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Here's my card. I'm like, yeah, I'm out of cards, man. I sold them All right What do you say we do a proper show open do you get this going correctly? All right That's good. Here we go Sorry, that's the wrong button. I'm sorry. It's kind of the right button, but that was the wrong button. Here we go

Wow, I'm done for a scoop. I heard about your story. Yes. That is so crazy Last time I was ever happy to meet you before To the valium health I don't know yet. How long does it take before it? How long ago did you get it now 20 minutes? Maybe about 15 Not even like this ever happened before No, this

Don't bring anyone in to this Welcome Christina I I've never gotten to play air drums near real drums before wouldn't that happen? That was a big moment. That was really exciting That was just one of those yes and improv moments. So I was like go for it. Tom go for it. Yeah All right

Now way to say did you think that was a retarded girl drowning? What did you think that was? It was I had to question whether it was you Or someone who is authentically challenged. Yes, and then uh It sounds like she's struggling to speak. Yep, she really is There's nothing there really keeping her from struggling though No, no, uh mental ability potentially But not because it like she's developmentally. Okay. Oh, is she? Yeah, okay. Yeah, all right. Um I've never done molly, but um

You're on the right. I gotta assume this is what it sounds like when like four in the morning when you're talking to a girl on fucking molly and Yeah, I don't like those kind of girls What kind of girls do you like that's what they sound like to me uh at four o'clock in the morning I'm not very fond of girls. No, not that kind of bear. No, no Do you like it four in the morning if I hate to listen to a girl like that? That's when I'm like time to check out of the party. Yeah. See you later. Uh, you know rock star out Oh

Gonna be an old man and go to bed. I guess I don't have to listen to a girl do Do you go are you are you an all night party dude? Depends on who's in town You know, there's a few people who can get me to go out. Yeah He's up donny Um, okay, here's what's going on. Just so you just a pain of better picture this woman is in the hospital and She has been having a non-stop orgasm that They're trying to stop now

So she's in the hospital bed. Does she have something in her mouth? Just No, just Her tongue. I don't know nothing. So the doctor comes in and they're like, are you fucking serious? And she's like Uh And then they asked the guy like what'd you do to her? He's like, I just did my thing like he's you know And then um They basically are like, yeah, that sucks, huh? And she's like, yeah at now. Now it does like

It's fun for a while Like an or like a super long orgasm. I think for anybody would be you're like, fuck. Yeah, but then at a certain point You're like, all right, like let's tap out of this. I got I gotta go to work man. Like we can't keep doing this Here's here's what the doctor actually, I don't know if it's how clear this is to you But I'll I'll play the rest of this and you can hear what the doctor Imagine you're in the hospital. This is what the doctor tells you embarrassing

What did you do to her? It's like a orgasm. He just never come out of yeah, that's what it is the wrong woman like the first 10 minutes She said the first 10 minutes, this is awesome I'm way that's way too much coming for me like 10 minutes for real she she sounds like her head's still hitting the headboard All right, I I've made a fella make that noise This week. Yes, sir. Was it like that? Okay

Here's Two hours she's into it right now Two imagine two hours someone's fucking still flicking that bean for two fucking hours Two hours The head of your dick Two hours later Right, are you happy with that at that point? Chuck no, I think uh

Did you just go there for a second? Yeah, I'm really there. I'm in pain for this woman Do you feel like if it were that long that you'd be like thank you, sir All right, okay Here we go I would lose sympathy After about an hour. I'd be like could you fucking knock it off? Yeah, I'd be like with the bullshit Yeah, call for attention with my because I'm I'm I'm a good fuck Right, I mean I'm good, but I know my limits and after 15 minutes of an orgasm

I'd be like come on and also I'm not going with you to the hospital you figure it out Right like you got yourself into this You're the one who's putting on the fucking show right now with the Like you figure it out. Yeah, the guy's codependent. He wants to believe He's probably bad in bed and she has to make up for it with stuff like this Yeah, this theatrical whole outburst. She's like, I know it'll make it good if I pretend like I'm having an orgasm Yeah, this is what I think it sounds like You feel so funny. I wish we could help you

Isn't that the best fucking line from a doctor? Yeah, I wish we could help you Well, thanks, bitch. That's why we're here It sounds like katie kurrick That's the best part the doctor. Yeah, I just picture katie kurrick in there Interviewing her and it's been two hours. I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do to help you And now back to the cbs evening news We wish we could help you back to you bob. All right um

Yeah, have you uh, you've never given anybody a half hour orgasm never never I faked an orgasm. What you just spit on their back Come on. That's an old joke. It's an old joke. Come on. I enjoyed it. I've Um Are you Are you old enough to be considered a bear? I uh, yeah this year when I turned 40 that's the cutoff I think so. I haven't officially looked it up on the wikipedia, but What are you? What were you last 30 or eight? Were you a little cub last year? I'm 41

I think I skipped that cub phase Really, you know and went from being uh, alcoholic To a bear just a drunk guy with a beard. Yeah, yeah First I was just a drunk guy and then I grew a beard Then it became bear. I can't even picture you without the beard. I've only known you with a beard. Yeah, uh, you have to see like my early years Just hammered Oh god. Yeah, very very hammered very high. Uh, I had a good time. Yeah, that's fun You know, um, and you're like, I'm gonna throw a beard onto this shit now. Yeah, I'm gonna move to colorado. I'll try to dry out

Where'd you where'd you move here from? Uh, los angeles Yeah, uh Did you know that I lived there? I was a boston comic, you know, yeah, we met there Did you wait you were a boston comic? Yeah That's why i'm funny Because of boston That's uh, yeah, yeah, you know boston comedy is extremely funny Uh, it's a great place to learn where to do comedy. There's so many great comics from boston. Yeah, I mean off the top of my head. I remember like

Uh, dana gould steven wright, um, louis from there. Uh, who else nick de palo from there graduating class would be patrice o'neal dain cook bill bur bob marley Yeah One two three four that's pretty much fucking first round picks all the way across It's hard to be valedictorian of that squad Yeah, that's like Yeah, yeah very funny, uh real fun group to to learn how to do this way. Yeah, that's fucking okay. So then from there to la

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then I you know, I did my thing. I got little bit parts I third rocked from the sun willow grace and then I didn't like the life. I wasn't making friends. So every time I come here to denver. I'd make a new friend I really liked the rockies. I wanted to work at red rocks. So Uh, I just wrapped up my tenth season. Uh, it's over. I won't be hosting film on the rock anymore, um You know what you just lost a fan, uh, you know They should pay fair rates

10 years no raise. Wait, tell me about what is it? I don't even know what it is It's a host movies have film on the rocks at red rocks amphitheater And you know, it was an honor and a pleasure, but uh after a while it got to be uh Something where I just decided 10 years was enough. Yeah It was a terrific thrill movies at red rocks. Um, you know, I'll never forget it Do they is it new releases or is it just like things like top gun and stuff? You know, uh What up maverick? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was really cool. You know, and you would come out and introduce the film

Yeah, and host the thing no jokes or anything. It was a really family event. It was super fun. You know, I was thrilled to do it You know, it's At some point you go, all right. Well, that's I'm gonna book something else on a tuesday sure How many people would go to this seven nine thousand, you know, what? Seven to nine thousand people. Yeah would buy tickets. Uh-huh. No. Yeah. So why is he top gun? Yeah, how much were the tickets eight to twelve? Damn

Guys, that's like over a hundred dollars when you think about that That's a that's a big budget. Yeah big budget and it's seven to nine thousand people. Mm-hmm all right You know, yeah, I feel like I I don't want to It's a good city. It's a great event. I don't want to speak poorly of it. Ask me in two years I'll be more appropriate on the record You know, what should what should be the order of pay in this town?

Denver people are good people. You support the craft. I think you support good beer I think you support good shows and I think you support good comedy. It's just uh I appreciate that. I appreciate that it's just Behind the scenes and behind the scenes and something very quiet and secret which just it's not in the year at twitter It's not going to remain a secret anymore. There are a lot of gigs that pay like dog shit and comedians and people are embarrassed to bring it up and Well, you know with the new movie and two specials on my plate

I'm not embarrassed to bring it up anymore. Uh, I'm positioned To bring it up So The hashtag is is pay fair rates. Uh, it's not something that's going to happen fast or quick But uh venues ought to hear it and hear it loud. Uh, the customer will come here to a place with no sign And fill it up loud and large, you know, this uh, this is what they call a paradigm shift if we were over at

du or harvard, uh, you know, it's Uh, but in art you just call it fucking fine Uh, it's uh, I think the future of the way things go and uh comedy clubs ought hear it and hear it loud Just share the money equitably and fairly Fuck yeah Because I ain't going out like that So I was just gonna tag what you said with some, you know, I appreciate that. Yeah, I appreciate that

You know, because the preacher's done. I'm back to no, that was great. You said what people should say, man Don't even I hope that, you know, you give me a fine platform. I hope I'm sure others will repeat it Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I mean shit. I'm giving you eight bucks for tonight. So shit I said it'll take time. I was gonna give you five. I was gonna give you five dollars until I heard that I'm gonna give him three more dollars. See that's That right there is like a 40 improvement. That's huge. It's just one day. Chuck Roy has gotten a 40 increase in revenues Tell me this. Yeah, where's the new york times on there? And what's the um, what's the special called? Or do you have a name? Barely special so far. Barely special

I threw in every bear pun I could Barely all of them It got to the point. I did like 70 to 80 minutes It got to the point where people in the crowd were saying them and they were funny. And so I You know, I felt like after a while you go, this is too simple, you know, barely anybody can do that I bared my soul That's a good one. Thank you. So yeah, did you hear have you heard this one? No, that's pretty good. Yeah

What was that? That was a guy, a guy getting fucked really hard by another guy. Oh my god Astonishingly, I don't think I've ever made somebody make that noise that noise has always impressed me I feel like That is just beyond pleasure for him. Like he was like this this is awesome. Oh my colon tore right there. Yeah, yeah You can sort of hear the the various stages of sphincter sphincter penetration and and the panic and then o-ring o-ring. Oh god Yeah Slippage. Yep Give me that hole. Come on. Okay. Um, sorry. I'm sorry. I did that. Did that say pee in that hole? Give me that hole

Wow, you know same thing. Yeah Wow, I got a lot of these You have a whole tray of big cock over there. It's a big part of our show. Nice. Nice Do you do you talk about? Like, you know, uh, how much like I've seen you do your set like you're a comic that you can do like A fucking hour. You don't have to mention Sexuality, you know, you don't like no one would know but then you can drop it on people if you want like Have you were you always like that? Like did you always?

um, I When I came out I uh, how long you've been doing stand-up when you came out? I Started stand-up in 92. I was 20. I think I came out by 21 or 22 um and You know around 19 or 20 was really dealing with it and You know, I said it wasn't going to change me and I wasn't going to be uh

You know, one of those comedians who Would do you know gay is hard or gay people this straight people that And so I've worked on first when I came out it was to be fair to be fair You always do black people are like this and white people. Yeah. Okay. Yeah And I do the bits about how I hate Chinese people right But only because I don't want you to think I'm inclusive or anything. Um, I uh, I don't like Chinese people and But he's got good jobs to support it. Give them a second They're bad in bed

um And you know, they don't clip up the never never mind Um I uh when I first came out I got fired I tried really hard to just talk about comedy like just like anybody else and so I spent a few years just Here and there working on material and it was the 90s People can be idyllic, uh, but it was not cool. There were there were no places in the country where where you could go and

talk about being gay without Being like you had to be a gay act and hello Yeah And I specifically Move to Denver because I after having traveled I just thought This was the place of all places. I was flying here constantly vacationing here making friends who You go out to a bar in Denver and you just go out to a bar and if you go out with comedy club people Nobody has a gender or a race or a sexuality. They're just the people from the comedy club

Then you find out oh Little billy's actually janet this week and you know, that's how life is and it's the arts So you go well, we're all gonna support janet and Here in Denver that was the most I've made the most friends and I thought I could come here And I could just tell the audience the word I say well I went out with my boyfriend or I met a guy we went on a date And I could like those jokes would I could do them and I'd be treated equally. Um, and that Was not the case

of all the time But uh More often than not I was able to try and write those kinds of jokes here in Denver It Life really changed when joe biden said what he said Vice president biden came out for gay marriage before the election It forced

President obama to come out for gay marriage before the election Long before anybody was even running and and that you know, it made hip hop change It made culture change once Once jz had to be like, uh, you know stop saying a fag in your rap songs, you know, it took What there's a year for some guy to be writing a song about fucking straight dudes and You know that I was doing fucking straight dudes comedy in 1998, you know So it's cute that the hip hop kids have figured out about fucking straight dudes Can't wait till they hear about tender

Have wait so did did you know because I noticed in stand-up that like there's definitely Uh, and it it was more casual like Seven eight years ago that like so many Comics punch lines would be like fag and like and then you basically don't hear it really now No, I've Carlos can see it. All right, so the day after I saw you in LA Happen to do the dirty show with the smash brothers Carlos head in Ontario Carlos is someone who I would struggle with because his usage of the word fag um

His routine that night and is apparently his new tour routine has a 10 minute crescendo of an applause Nobody can get I can't get he's he's my just just real quick. He's my favorite comic. He's extremely. I get it He's extremely talented. He's a preacher style and I've seen him in the past use that preacher style with the word fag in there to the point where I was like, ah, It's not my taste um But his recent set is 10 minutes against bullying and his big crescendo that he gets not even Laugh, but applause is about it has something to do with Stop, you know teasing gay kids. They're hanging themselves

Carlos of all and that is like to say paradigm shift twice That's that's what is happening in the country now now You have someone like Carlos and people at his level touring and articulating There, you know, I think he his politics have shifted marginally, you know, uh, I don't think he's ever had much Disdain in his heart for gay people or anything like that. He just wanted to use that word fag for shock effect Yeah, that's what the comics mean the other thing that in the in the comics love saying Uh, whatever his taboo fag is fun to say Like I I'm from New Hampshire and you say fag in New Hampshire like you you are lynching up a noose. It is a

Good word to wrap around something Too real is that I always I was gay people not get killed in your world Okay, uh I was always the classic Don Gavin right there. That's a great. I always was the biggest fan of This like a slur when it has nothing to do with what you would associate with it, you know, I mean like when when people like if somebody was like, um I don't know like you know the outro when I when I get in trouble I watch the old movie and they brought back You know kike was the word flying around there and now really I've been dying to you see

I've been dying for two weeks to be like when are you going to be able to say it and What what was when was it when was it used though? Uh You know throughout the thing they they they were referring to the jewish character as the the the kikes and stuff And they had you know, they used the various words for other ethnicities But yeah, I just you know an old movie and I hadn't heard that word in a while and you go. Oh god. Those were the jays people really People really could whip around some you know Some racism in a great way, you know people would be like three stereotypes walk into a bar and let's say the

Worst three things about impossible I love a good racial slur Shut out your favorites No, okay, all right. Oh denver you're so you're so closeted with your bigotry Mm-hmm big words. All right. Um So Have you have you considered as a gay man a gay comic going to uganda to do stand up? Wow That's some next level shit and why not wait a minute. Uh, let's fill people in who might not know

so Uganda the african country it's the uh Have a currently illegal. Um to engage in this behavior remember when you got bummed out about me bringing up that gay people get killed Wait Here's the thing you've gone to believe this one But this guy who lives and works there makes it funny. Here we go Good morning, everyone. My name is uh pastor. Dr. Martin Semper

I'm here in the capacity as the chairman of the national task force against homosexuality in yuga Okay, national task force Wait a minute. It gets really good. We are making legislation to make sure that sodomy and homosexuality Never sees the light of legality in this land of the pearl of africa I've taken time to do a little research to know what homosexuals doing their privacy of their bedroom One of the things they do is called anal leaking Where a man's anus is leaked like this Okay

So this is the best part. So this is the best part of the like anti gay people This shit. They're always more researched On sexuality and gayness than gay people So he's sitting at a at a fucking at a table like this for a news conference with people everywhere in cameras and he says and he says He shows them like that. He goes So he sticks his face in it, but

This is my favorite. Hold on. Listen to what he says. How they do it By the other person like ice cream and like ice cream But the guy in the background reminded him like ice cream like ice cream. Yes Wait, wait for it. Here we go. And what happens even poo poo comes out the other poo poo's up Poo poo comes out and then what what happens when the poo poo comes out and then they eat the poo poo You You never really clean up a sentence when you say poo poo, right You know, you sound like a two-year-old talking about shit

He's a big boy. He should be able to say it. I think right he probably takes a lot of cock too Wow, that's a real fucking new hamster cock Yeah, yeah, you got it when you when you say it angry That's when it goes to the roots. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. We're right first. Can we please listen to the minister continue speaking? The other one they do is they have a sex practice called fisting Where they insert their hand into the other man's hand And it goes all the into the enders all the way and it is so painful They have to take drugs, but they enjoy it

Now if we have any children, please step out. Well, everybody Wait, wait, what does he say at the end? If that is you now, please step out now if we have any children, please step out The kids are cool for the fisting lesson, but Now it's about to get real grown up in here. All right. Well, they're they're fists are much smaller I Should point out that if there are any kids in here, you should leave right now, too It's about to get away. Okay What is next?

This is a parental guidance moment. Come on This is a parental guidance moment. You just talked about eating shit and fisting Hey, that child can do moved out. So I've done research This is what they do number one You can see a man here having exactly other person's rectum He holds up his laptop where he did his research And he's like you can see right here from the thousands of hours that I downloaded onto my computer It's the part that he keeps repeating

He wants you to know he's done his research. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah two times It I mean that's a key point of data for him. Who says he's done I I bet you we hear that a few more times and the other person is pooping And this one is eating the poop all over the place Tell me when you have a law against homosexuality, that's a very foreign or moved by the way to go Which we wish we did that more you guys Huh He showed his friend the laptop he was like, look at this

Remember when we were looking at it earlier, it's it again Huh Hadjad We do not want the sickness. This is sick And it's therefore deviant. We do not want it now They start off by touching each other's genitals and smelling each other Then this one smears the poop all over the other person's face as if that is not enough He puts the heart deeper as Africans

We want to ask Barack Obama to explain to us Is this what he wants to bring to Africa as a human right to eat the poo poo There you go Well as someone who just recently ate at a and w I can tell you poo poo It's coming is yeah, I ordered a number two over there. Oh shit Then pretty soon you will be eating that poo poo you will That's taken a lot for me to get over right now

It kind of feels like a jump like a step back in time a little bit right like to the 1904s. Yeah. Yeah You know, I I remember being at this stage of homosexual unawareness You know where you're just mentally you're wrapped up in the poo poo Of the gay sex. Yeah, that's like in middle school when you're like gay guys love farts Don't fucking act like you do you didn't say that shit in middle school Eat the poo poo That's my favorite sound drop ever from now on That's going to be it's going to be in my head for the weekend

um So you do you think that like Africa is just progressive all around or just Uganda Yeah, Africa is progressing all around that's You're going to keep getting instances like this as you Like as you get global awareness and equality everybody has a smartphone Now everybody has a chance to put an issue forward So as much as you can get a hashtag out there about save our girls

You can get a hashtag out there about don't let them eat the poo poo And you know, it's these these it's politics and money There's a lot of money getting poured into Uganda to make sure you know, these guys are going after essentially In the united states they're going after christian right money They're taking that kind of money so that they can advocate against the poo poo. Yeah And good for them, you know, I hope they have a wonderful You know christian nation and if politics plays out

Three to one someone in leadership of of that group Gets caught with a ship ton of child porn on their computer. Yeah, um or Eating poo poo out of the other guys ass in a real good video on Two to one says they're on x2 right now just going I don't believe this they eat the poo poo. Yeah I feel like that dude has definitely eaten the poo poo before I feel like it's not That's how he I don't I guess that's what I'm reflecting on is there's always been this Since I came out there's always been this like

weird speculation on the parts that are Like obscure You know, yeah, we all know there are people into fisting That goes across sexuality Yeah, you know like that's transgendered or there's no real assignment to whatever. It's just it's just fisting and That's one of my favorite sound bites right there that I'll I'll probably isolate Is you saying it's just fisting? Yeah

That's such a great quote I'll throw that on a shirt. It's just fisting Chuck Roy Yeah, with a fucking give him the five finger discount I guess there's just always been this weird like focus on The obscure I'm saying the wrong word there like the perverted side of it and beyond perversion like the Like he's I you know gay sex is not a lot about the poo poo Rim jobs happen to be one of my favorite things and you know, there's not a lot of poo poo involved I'd like to sit on that guy's face What would what would I mean and coach him a little bit what would you tell him like not poo poo

They can't they can't you know, why don't you tell him to eat the poo poo? I just uh, yeah, I don't I uh When I I lived in Kentucky for a little bit and is this where oh there was uh There was a anti porn movement and it's the you know in the eight months I was there there was one election and these people were going to stop porn stores from being on the side of the highway in Kentucky That's going to work and Four days before the election is somebody who's like vice president of the group opposed to porn stores

Got busted for having porn on their computer like it just I'm not saying every group, but it's you know Somebody you know generally it takes somebody to be really fucked up to be that focused Yeah, like you know he's researching over and over again Downloading gay porn and finding all the poo eating videos he can So he can get to a government committee meeting. I did a corporate event. Uh, the northern Kentucky home builders association Uh private party Uh, which they love their roadside porn

They do I'm a hardist. I think hardest I've ever bombed at a show um It was so bad. It was at a country club. Oh, god I'm not I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm not a real country club act. So Like a nice like golf you know Yeah, they want that and my uncle is the one who set me up with it So he showed up and everybody was like dressed up and I was like this and then well first they were like, um, do you need a microphone to do this and I was like

For real And they're like, yeah, I go. Yes, and then they go here it is and they're like, ah, shit. It doesn't have batteries Well, just go up there and I was like no get batteries and then I'll go up there And they're like just go up there and then I went up there with a microphone that didn't have batteries So nobody could hear me And then they'll be like we'll get you batteries in a second and I was like it's already started Like this is now this is part of the show And then I just waited and everybody was like, are you gonna go and I was like

When the batteries come, I guess Then the batteries came and then I started and I just this is what I saw my uncle do for like a 30 minute set Oh man Squinting. Oh, yeah, and then other people were like, huh? And I was like that was all right. Thank you And it was like when you when you get out and they're like, yeah, I mean We liked you when we saw the videos, but This wasn't good

I was like cool. Yeah, and then they told the only redeeming thing was they were like, well Last year was great. And I was like, cool. Who was that? And they go, I got uh, uh, george busch impersonator and I go Did you think that like when you saw my shit that I would be like him? And They're like, no Okay And she goes, we should bring him back next year though. And I was like, yeah, you should bring him back next year It was the fucking worse like just Such tanks that have you there? I'm just I had a dinner once at the like in frankfurt, kentucky at

The function room like it's a function room restaurant with the kernel loans like kentucky fried chicken kernel, you know and Frankfort's the capital. So there were these lobbyist legislator types 10 white guys just sitting around a table and at one point I heard one of them say, yeah, but is he for growth? And that's when I was like, that's the fucking white devil right there Right, that's what they look like. And you know, they were uh, Either builders or you know for you know, probably up for Building a lot of homes, you know, yeah, yeah Urban sprawl and that's good for our economy in some way

um But that's all I picture is trying to tell jokes to that table of 10 guys plus 40 more tables like it With no microphone and a soul It's so having the soul is going to be the hard part like you're going to not be able to connect to them because they don't have one You know, so you're going to be talking and it's going to just go through them Yeah, and that's well, you know, I could imagine it would be silent. It was Yeah, bad

So bad, um How funny are black people? Here's uh I'm thinking of two that were on the bus just stealing the show on the way here shit house and uh Knew they were like they were trying to work to get my attention Uh, the woman was the storyteller and the man would just go So And he would do the he had the two feet going and he would slap his knee at whatever she was saying and he

Yeah, it's like through the whole bus ride. I don't know what she said. That was so funny. They're natural comics, dude Not every one but like 95 percent She was killing it like kevin heart. Yeah fireworks went off in the bus. This dude is probably 50 something He used to play basketball high school basketball. He's talking about his high school basketball days That's me. That's water johnson baddest motherfucking. They ever came around this year was 1973 Boy, I was right there. Don't go on that mom. Did you see right there?

That's my nut. That's my motherfucking nut damn balls hanging out all of my shorts They He had little shorts in the 70s He's like, that's my motherfucking nut, right? I mean, but it's just like wow That big old balls hanging out the side like he It's so playful like he's painting a picture and I'm like fuck. Yeah, man. That's your nuts hanging like it's just God damn balls wine to you if you had big balls back in the day, you could not wear shorts like that I know what you needed back in the day small balls

Did you pick up on that? If you had big balls, you could not wear shorts like that. You know what you needed back in the day small balls That's fantastic. That's fucking that guy's got a tight three just to open a show right there That's how the set list goes. Yeah small balls Listen to this guy But he's talking about how pretty his nuts are Does he have them out? No, that's the thing is you're looking at he's referring to his high school day nuts his high school nuts. Yes Look at that guys. I'm just want to show you

That's a handsome motherfucker there But look at them goddamn shorts and that fucked up ass buckle I mean that's fucked up to you remember that. Oh, yeah, oh man That buck he's got a hype man too. Just to tell his story. You remember that shit? Oh, yeah You had pretty balls man. I remember that shit Was a bitch that motherfucker boy. Look at you die for a ball dig right in That motherfucker treacherous Oh, shit. Look at that

1972 state championship put down this guy. I could fucking watch the state championship He lost the game though, but then he's like the baddest motherfucker ever. Yeah. I'm the baddest motherfucker ever that fucked up Is that what he said? I'm the baddest motherfucker ever that fucked up. No, I threw that in there. I would love to have him have that Self realization. Yeah, he knows he talks about how if he made the shot They would just be talking about we would all just be talking about him like we would not be talking about Dr. J. He didn't make the shot. He didn't make the shot. Hmm. I kind of want to be like, so what happened with college ball? Right, that's the stuff. I'm thinking right, you know, once you're talking about your high school glory days But you're not talking about that big college game

You lack a certain amount of stories about your college career probably because you don't have your college career. Yeah That's gonna make it tough to go pro dog. Yeah, you need that that yeah But at least you had those those huge fucking balls that hang out of the bottom of your shorts Speaking of balls, um, there's a new release from angel. Here we go Now this is my bonus technique the gray fruit Normally, you can only get this technique in one of my classes But I want to share this with you because I believe every man should get great fruit It when you great fruit your man is going to feel as if you are giving him head

And fucking him at the same time No better feeling what he ever get than being great fruit it What There is no better feeling a man will get I I mean being great fruited great fruited. Do you do you know what great fruit? We're gonna learn. Yes, we are And here we go. So what you need to do is you need to of course have a great fruit That's obvious. I was thinking I was thinking my balls just so you know

Just so you know, this is angel from angels fallatio secrets and she gives very detailed Um examples and explanations of how to creatively give Better oral sex. This is a bonus feature that involves fruit. Okay I want to make sure you get the ruby red. It's sweeter. It's easier if you I don't know that that matters I'm thinking for a blowjob that you can go ahead and pick your fucking great fruit and it doesn't have to be fucking ruby red But she's like, but I just got stuck in ruby red. So we better keep that shit. All right You are allergic to great fruit or can't use the great fruit for your medication

You can always use a large naval orange now What you want to do is make sure the the the great fruit is room temperature All you have to do is put it in warm water. Do not microwave it. Do not boil it. No, all right No Some of you are gonna do that. She said that You love that right tells you somebody's microwaved at microwaving this grapefruit. Yeah I boiled this grapefruit for an hour So fucked up now

Now it's time to give some head Okay, so guys don't microwave it. Don't boil it Then once it gets to that temperature, all you need to do is roll it The reason why you all right. I don't fucking know She goes she takes the grapefruit and she just rolls it on the table Just forget it Once you roll it is because you want to juice it up a little bit the juicier the better

And what you're going to do is you're going to find the naval there's two navals to the grapefruit Once you do that, you're going to place it on the plate and the naval's on the outside You want to take a knife and you actually want to cut one side Of that naval off So you should have a grapefruit that has two sides missing just like this Now what you're going to do is you're going to put a hole in the middle of the grapefruit Approximately the size of your man's penis Do not make it too big. Do not make it too tight just approximate

You really got to know that size And how to cut it into fruit At this point if you've gotten to the point where you're grapefruiting don't you have intimate knowledge Of your partners. I mean this isn't something you spring on the first day What do you want to go to king supers will pick some vegetables and produce out But we'll integrate them into our intercourse How how awesome of an icebreaker would it be for a first date if you're like they're like, oh, you're gonna zapp for dessert You're like, yeah sort of why don't you fucking a bouquet of broccoli is a lot cheaper than a bouquet of roses

What you want to do is you're going to take the knife midway down and make sure it goes all the way through All you want to do is make a nice hole in the middle of the grapefruit now If you take it and make it too big that's okay because you can always squeeze your hands like the muscles of your vagina And if you make it too tight all you have to do is take your finger and push the flesh back It's just grapefruit now when you just It's you just you just invalidated your instructions By saying if it's too big or too small, that's okay. So By the way, it's just grapefruit. All right

You grapefruit your man. He has to be blindfolded. There's no ants ifs, buts about it I hate when somebody says that out of order. It's not ants ifs or buts Doesn't that make you crazy? Is there a particular ifs ands or buts get the fuck out of here I There's an audience and uh, you have a support group It's really ifs ands or buts Yes, all right. Hey, hey, hey You know, this isn't something to fucking fight over no and if you want to fight i'll fuck you up little crowd

I will gladly kick the shit out of a hundred people who get that uppity over if ands or fucking buts I Want to get violent over it so badly If you say and there's no buts ifs or ands about it, we're never talking again for the rest of my life All right, if you came to the bedroom with a grapefruit, what is your man going to say? What are you going to do with that? Is it going to burn and all that other things? So you don't want any of that. So this is what you do. Say, baby, you know what tonight? I want to do something a little freakier. I want to suck your dick blindfolded

Your man will blindfold himself if he She's right about that Those you don't get some head So now your man is in the bed. You have the grapefruit already prepared under the bed He smelled the citrus in the air He thinks you have on some new victoria seekers or something. He has no idea And what you're going to do is be a woman of your word now you have to get his penis erect So what you're going to do is just suck his dick. That's like you said you were going to do

Wow She's really good at it She wasn't just like going like wow She was Actually, I just realized that that sounds a little bit a little bit like The two of them together that'd be nice, huh? Yeah What you're going to do is replace the grapefruit

From your mouth You're going to twist up and down on his shaft and suck the head at the same time. Do you understand what's going on or no? If there's any confusion so she took a dildo and blew it for a while To show you that she hasn't forgotten. I guess I don't know Then Now she's taking the grapefruit and putting it over the dick and she's saying to Work the grapefruit while you're blowing him And but she also shows you that

Now ladies remember grapefruit is also a fat burning She I love that she can roll right into her neck sense from that shit. She doesn't take a she doesn't pause She's like she's like making a sandwich. You like I get some mustard. She's like, yeah, man. So don't forget like Ladies don't forget. All right Actually losing weight while you suck in his dick She said that come on. She said grape She said grapefruit is a fat burner

So ladies don't forget you're also losing weight while you're sucking his dick Ladies is your self-image that fucking bad? Like as a group that you always have to be spoken to about like your weight and you're gonna lose weight now Like hurry up and suck some dick girls Get home and see some of you look fat Get home suck it off Yep, you're all pigs, you know that All right, yep, I always got to lose weight

Now once you're doing this technique, it feels amazing to him But he still has no idea what you're doing. So what you want to tell your man to do is this take the blindfold off He's going to be looking at you like what the hell are you doing? But he'll never say stop all he's going to be thinking is I could have been fucking a grapefruit all these years Yeah, it works. You should try it. It definitely works I just don't even want to look in the crisper in her fridge I feel like she's really reaching like she was like, you know, I made these uh Videos all these blowjob videos and then she's like fuck man. Everybody's downloaded them. Everybody's seen them

How am I gonna have like, you know What am I gonna sell now because that's what she does is you sell blowjob videos Thanksgiving and the butternut squash episode. Yeah, it's gonna be like get the fucking turkey and slice that open and then Shove his dick in that and then suck it There's two different types of gravy Don't you feel like like she's just like reaching but you know, I love you I don't know that she's gonna hit the 10 year season, you know, like 10 year season, you know, like 10 10 seasons syndication on blowjob videos

All right, potentially she could She definitely could probably air that on tbs um Yeah It's likely right after duck dynasty the blowjob lady You could do a great duck dynasty parody video. Yeah, have you done that? Not yet. No, please do I want to fuck their twin grandson. That's my goal. All right. Here we go It's time to fill her up and

How about that? You know what's going on? Uh, no, I'm gonna learn So this is uh, fill her up seal her shut colorado edition. Um Is that how you say it or colorado? I I would I would correct your pronunciation basically to explain it to you I will give two men and two women Um, and you tell me who you would rather fill up and seal shut with your load. Gotcha I told you this is a very got you highbrow show. All right We'll start with the dudes um

It's really hard to select. There's a lot of good ones. These aren't necessarily from here. Some of them were born here Some of them resided here, but would you rather fill up and seal shut dog the bounty hunter? Yes Or john elway Oh, wow, it's tough, huh? Here's what I think I think john elway just to hear him say come on my teeth, you know Come on my pearly whites, why don't you? And then he's got championship rings and he's losing them all up your ass like it's a fun time

Super Bowl rings. Yeah. Yeah, not one for last year. Uh, no What do you think? Um I I'd go elway now. Can you take take me through your logic? um One I've seen him before versus dog um

He sits high up in his seat with a big smile. Obviously he looks looks very happy If you find a hook his teeth onto the like the headboard, yeah You know, I just in rail him And just you know, I'd be like that's for all the new england patriots, um And you know that like friends in new england who are going to be really happy I said that Those teeth are not coming off of that headboard like no, they'd be like permanently in there and that's but You're not weighing Fucking how sexy is dog the bounty hunter like he's got the sleeveless shirt the motherfathers the mallet you could definitely pull the mullet which is um

You know, he's way too cheesy. He's way too cheesy. Um, yeah, if i'm gonna fucking older, dude That's you know might as well go elway All right I was kind of hoping it'd be you know You want me to doggy style the dog the dog. Yeah You don't have to I mean in this bounty I just feel like dog would just fucking like it's gonna get crazy with like There's gonna be way more coke than you expected to be there. Yeah

Yeah, man, like a cowboy boot heel to my nuts Just like I like it Cuffs, you know, he's got cuffs. He's fucking dog the bounty hunter, you know Yeah, but elway's got a jet. Yeah You know, so maybe we can move the bed to the jet and be like put the headboard over there And you know, I'll take the private cocktail service over there Do you think elway's a giving man like that you think he's a giving lover like he's like I think he would have to be if I you know if the two of us were in the jet

Only one of us is gonna bottom and it ain't gonna be me Wow Now if we're hooking teeth under the headboard Let's You know, he's always wanted that I bet he did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, let's pull the audience probably make that noise like her given the blow job. Just Of course to the It's so much better hearing you do it like that

Do you Do you think Who here would choose uh, super bowl winning quarterback john elway to fill up and seal the shot All right, and who would choose uh, dog the bounty hunter I Real big fan right there. I think some people didn't vote. I think some people didn't vote That happens people get weird about fill her up sealers shot and they're like, uh, I'm not gonna fucking throw my two cents in I know people died for your right to vote, you know

Well, there are soldiers serving in iraq in afghanistan right now Defending your right to vote on Seal them up or shut them down or when you don't vote on filler up sealers shot We we have a special word. You're just one of the white niggers. You're just no good So there was another word I wanted said today Big words now All right now for the ladies Now do you think you can participate? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. All right ladies jessica bill

whoa That's it jessica bill one guy ground one guy ground. No, you don't like that, huh? I'm just wondering why No, doesn't want to go on record. Did I hear a guy ground? I thought physically no good Nobody did that What was it a pleasurable groan some guys stuck in a two-hour orgasm Now go with it fella. Wow. I don't mean to shame you on your jessica bill The other the other one I think is phenomenal. There's an age difference

So you gotta you gotta put her in her prime, but pam greer foxy brown man. Wow. She's smoking hot Now I feel like either one of those women. I would gladly eat their poo poo of either one. Wow I would I would In a very heterosexual way, I'd be like take a shit in my mouth right now Jesse's that guy never gotten a rim job. Is he is he saying he'd never want one like I didn't ask him. I don't know Can we do a survey? Sure Who gets him who likes a rim job? One guy raised his hand the rest of you. You're a shy group, colorado. You're a shy group

All right, I fucked a lot of you. I know you're shy like that Oh, shit, that'd be so awesome right now. We just saw a guy I gotta get the fuck out of here Walked out the back like oh shit. That is that guy. Oh shit. I gotta get here All right, so Jessica Beale young hot, but here's the thing like she Tours all the time with her fucking husband Justin Farper Lake and I feel like she's like Really hard to impress and she's just like, what are you gonna do for me? That's what Jessica Beals like and I'll be like, you know

I'll eat the poo poo, but that's it But I feel like Pam Greer foxy brown. I feel like she'd probably be a lot of fucking fun She would give it out. She would be you know reciprocating and she would be like Good job, you know, like she would Like you're a good little white It's like one of the seven wonders of the world. Yeah, it's foxy brown. Yeah, so you really I mean she's She's a historical element

Versus timberlakes fuck toy, right? Hmm Still sounds good. I mean even when you say timberlakes fuck toy. I'm like, yeah, that's kind of yeah. I'm still stuck Can I involve timberlake or is it? Yeah, I just got to ask him I gotta ask her would he like it like he'd like this would he like this Yeah, yeah, you can step it. You can do whatever you want. All right. There's no fucking rules No, I guess if I was fucking her I'd ask an awful lot like would he like it like this She could be like, wait, I don't think he'd like it at all

Make me laugh a lot First of all, I don't know why we're having sex miss Biel, but You know, I wanted to say this. Yeah I think it's a perfect. I mean if it keeps you in it. Yeah, yeah, you know, otherwise you gotta stay focused Yeah, yeah, like I'm gonna have to go for the laugh. I mean think about you're filling her up. It's not just a temporary like you're you gotta go load after load after load Yeah

Like when you do this game, it's it's we're gonna have to p.m. Greer it there. Yeah. Yeah It's all right. Gonna go foxy brown on that one foxy brown a lot more to fill um Pull the room now who here would fill up and seal shut uh, jessica bill Wow I know you're fucking into fitness you asshole, but Is that why because she clearly is like crossfitted out. Is that why? What's that

She's got herpes. Oh, she's gonna hurt you. Oh, I thought you said I was like, how do you know she has herpes, man? Um You said it's so sure. I was like, wow, you talked to her. All right You think foxy will hurt you Yeah, I think so too the fucking Yeah, that's the fun part exactly. Um, who would choose p.m. Greer foxy brown All right Um, all right, this has been uh, fuck it. Oh, do you guys know by the way?

I gotta tell you I think I've said it on the show before it's totally true. This was my number one choice To go to school was here to go to denver. Really? Yeah, there's my number one choice and I didn't get in Which school do you do you? Ah, yeah, I came and visited And then uh, they were like nope My best friend also applied But he applied because I applied and he got in he was like, I mean, I'm not gonna go. I just thought I would See if I could get in where you didn't get in What a dick. What a fucking dick, right?

Then here's the worst part. My dad wrote a letter to du I'm like, why didn't you let in my buddy? And Du was like because he's dumb Oh, no No, the fucking part my Sat score was higher than my friends But he had a higher gpa and my dad wrote this letter without me knowing he was like by the way

I did a follow-up letter And I asked them why they didn't let you in but they let steven And I was like, why the fuck did you do that? And he was like just cuz And then they were like, oh, yeah We just chose that because we don't have to tell you who we take and who we don't like he was expecting them to answer him Yeah They were like, that's really nice. But no, um, so yeah, I almost lived here. I love this city. That's why I told you I love I love coming here. Um, oh if you're gonna du out of fucked you shit

I don't even have a vote in this don't I get They generally don't Jesus Nice one of those super aggressive like That guy sound like he was enjoying it. So All right, so I got to wrap this up. There's uh, there's gonna be music. There's gonna be an excellent band that plays here Um very soon Um, I will be hanging out if anyone wants to hang out. I also I brought uh jeans unit and bikes shirts

bikes But I always like to ask at the live shows if there's any sound drop that you want to hear that you didn't get to hear Jesus everybody loves city connection You're the man now Okay, all right You're the man now come dog Um, oh my god, you guys are so disgusting. All right People changes. What's that?

Oh, you guys know that shit. Well, he's the only dad I've ever known. Oh my god, that one is awesome Oh Yeah, yeah, yeah Retarded That's gonna knock her in the head one day out here beside the garage because she called me out retarded I was gonna knock her in the head with a claw hammer This this sounds like half the guys I slept with in Kentucky You may have fucked this guy probably yeah was uh

Fuck That one I want to hear now That is the show's like a fucking bat signal for gay sex is where the dudes at Fuck you guys are quick. All right Wait Sorry Takes me oh, here's Maria ordering a latte. Oh, I don't want that. I just want the topping part Hello

Like you put whipped cream on as a topper and I ask for a lot more whipped cream We're gonna charge me for a fucking latte too Right more you have to push the button for the whipped cream to come out and I'm out now Is that a latte because you had to push the fucking button that says steam milk. She decided. Oh, it's a latte And I know I don't work at Starbucks, but I think I freak with them enough to know you'd definitely frequent it enough to know All right Honestly It wasn't until

And this is like this goes for almost all the moments in the scene. It wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me You have two in you or you have three in you that like it actually kind of clicked and I'm like, oh my god This is actually happening I'm proud of myself Didn't greasy Wow, that's it. All right now what? Oh shit, all right All right, what was she proud of herself for oh, no she

She was able to fuck three guys at the same time Good for her and they were like and she didn't know how many dicks were in her So when she found out she was like I'm proud of myself His paper is stuck in butter. Oh, no All right, um, yeah, I think that's it. All right, you guys are the best. Thank you for coming out to this How about a hand for Chuck Roy and let him hear it Thank you This is fun. Yeah, this is a blast

Um, all right, here you go. I love you guys. Thank you so much for coming out Hey They are water That's all I found was gonna do, was gonna do, was gonna do My collection show baby