Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Live From Pasadena-205-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 14, 2014

Are you thirsty? I bet after you hear this one you'll want nothing more than a big gulp from a nice German man's tough nips. We love you so much that we took what was to be the next BONUS episode and we gave it to you, the little Mommy. This show was the Dog's T**S and there are sex secrets revealed. What more could you want? Pull those jeans up. A little higher, please? 

Yeah, whoop, whoop, it's Friday. Sure is. Where are we, Jeans? We are in Brooklyn, New York. Oh, you? We're very excited. Hopefully, if you're in the area you were at our live podcast last night, and tonight we're doing stand-up in the great Brooklyn borough at the knitting factory.

I don't know at this point if you can get the online ticket. If you can, you can get it for a discount. The link is up on our site. It's also on our respective sites, Tom Segura and ChristinaComedy.com. If you walk up, you can still get in if you try. So I'll tell you that. If you're here in Brooklyn with us, tomorrow, Saturday, the 15th, we're going to Columbus, Ohio.

We're doing the podcast live at Woodlands Backyard. We will be offering this promo code also to you. If you go to our site and you click on the link for Woodlands for Columbus, use the promo code MOM, M-O-M, and you get $5 off the ticket. We don't want anybody to not be able to come that wants to come. We obviously have to charge something because we're buying plane tickets and hotels and all that stuff, but we hope that it makes it affordable for all you guys to come because we'd love to see you this place full with you guys.

We don't want your jeans being low to interfere with or loose, so we figure, come on out guys. To the people, of course, we're very aware that some people bought tickets before the discount was offered. You just got to realize that you have higher and tighter jeans. That's the way I see it. Everybody else is low and loose, and yours are super high and tight. You guys are the super jeans basically. We care about you more.

We love you more. For sure. Yeah. We thank you for that. Let's see. Next week, we'll be in San Fran, Man Fran Disco. Thank you. Cobb's Comedy Club.

It's Thursday, the 20th, and the very next day, we fly back to Los Angeles, and we do the podcast for the first time live on the west side and the south side. We're in Hermosa Beach at the Comedy and Magic Club. It's a very reasonable ticket because we don't have to buy plane tickets and hotels. We hope if you're in the LA area, especially if you're a west sider, if you're in Venice, the Marina, if you're in Malibu, if you're in Manhattan, if you're in Hermosa, if you're in the Orange County, you're in that area. You want to come see the podcast.

We're doing it on a Santa Monica. Santa Monica. We're in a Friday. We're in Hermosa Beach, the beautiful Comedy and Magic Club. Yeah, man. Come out. It should be a good one. You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? That's a very dignified club. It's a very nice club full of nice people. Jay Leno does sets there on Sunday. Hello. You know what I'm saying? Another crazy thing is that right now, we're about to give you the last show we did at the Ice House in Pasadena.

It was the most fun. This is the one where we revealed sexual secrets to each other. It was a banana show. We were going to make it a bonus episode, but we said, F it, we'll just put it out there as a regular episode. Yeah. It was so much fun. I wanted people to be able, we wanted people to be able to hear it for free, because it's

such a good one. Yeah. It's a fun one, man. Please enjoy that, and please go to yourmomshousepodcast.com and support our sponsors. Also, we've been making a point to tell you that our Amazon banner is now the updated correct one. It's onyourmomshousepodcast.com. It's the best way to support our show.

We hope that you'll go now and bookmark the one that's there now. The current link. The current link. We got bamboozled, unfortunately, by the people we dealt with last time, not the people at Amazon through a third party or whatever. Now we've redone this, and it's the correct way. Please support the show that way. We know a lot of you don't have a ton of money to buy t-shirts or tickets with, and

we get that. Yeah. If you're going to go to Amazon. Also, wonderful thing Amazon has that we started doing is subscribing. Let's say you don't want to go to the store every week and buy toilet paper. God knows, we go through tons of toilet paper in this house. Especially with Christina. I'm not even kidding.

We go through a roll a day. So what I've done is I go on Amazon and you can subscribe, and guess what? They send toilet paper to your house every month if you want, every two or every three if you want. How many you want? And now I don't got to fucking lug heavy toilet paper. I don't have to lug paper towels. I don't have to lug cleaning supplies.

Yeah, it's all there now. Get your life automated son and do it through our Amazon banner Canada. We have yours up too. It's an updated one as well. So please guys support the show that way. There you go. That's it. Please, since it's Friday, that means tomorrow my special comes out on Netflix.

Gene, Gene, Gene. Please if you like the show and you have Netflix, check it out. If you love it, please let them know on Netflix. Five stars only guys. Do it for me and make it positive. And my album is also on pre-order. It comes out Tuesday the 18th, but if you go to iTunes and you order it now, you will it'll download to your phone automatically on Tuesday.

It's an hour of material that's never before released. There's some stuff on the special on Netflix that's from another album, but I specifically made them remove that from the album so that all my albums have different material. That's great. You can buy a same bit or anything. So it's wildly important to me. It's the whole reason I do what I do is to put this stuff out. So I hope you'll get it.

And of course, if you do pre-order, please take a screen grab of your purchased pre-order and tweet it and then tag Burke Reischer and let them know that you bought my album over his upcoming book and tell him that you'll no longer be buying his book. There you go. We hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you so much for listening to Your Mom's House. We love you. Bye, Jeans.

We need a candle on this table to feel like home. Speak up. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are we good around the world? The laughter, are we good? All right, we're gonna. Huh?

Hide death. Hide death? What? What does that mean? You have a microphone. Where is it? Where is the camera? Oh, there, okay.

Hi. I know I forget. Hi. Welcome. It's so much fun. Hi, everybody. Thank you for coming. You're delicious.

We have Hello, Left Side of the Room. Hello, Left Side of the Room. We have a new song submitted, so we're gonna play this while we just situate and make sure that everybody that we just tweeted to on laughter has a chance to sign on and play with their nuts while we do this. All right, here we go. We have so many treats for you. Okay.

Can't wait. What up, baby jeans, put your denim on, high and tight, right, like J. Lennon wanna, and this will be your one and you don't like brown talk, turn the sound off, like now, dawg, you need to wipe down to clean up, no, I'm saying like people take a walk with me, this is your mom's house. Honestly. Honestly. All right.

Who did that one? We should give, yeah, international credit to Garrett Plummer, so good job, Saudi Arabia. I think that's where they came from. Oh, is he from Saudi Arabia? Yeah. Doesn't that sound like a Saudi name? Garrett. Yeah, I think they cut your balls off for making music and joy, right?

Yes. They don't like a laughter. You just lost our seven Saudi listeners. Sorry, guys. They do. You've been there, right? It's beautiful. Yeah.

There's a lot of rocks and torture and it's fucked up. It's horrible. Never go to Saudi Arabia. Sorry, it's really terrifying. Come on. No, I was there and somebody got crucified in public. I was there for a crucifixion. Yeah, I didn't get to go to it, which I kind of wanted to.

I didn't get to. If they crucified, that means they just love Jesus. Isn't that why they do that? That's right. They love them, some Jesus. Yeah. Well, to... Godless sodomites.

I want to make sure, we always have to make sure that this thing is, this is working right. Is that loud enough? Can you hear that? No, that sucked. Louder. Can we go a little louder? Is that good? No?

Louder. You better get your life. Whoa. That was pretty loud. Oh, Sharkation, no. Guys, I'll fucking control that, all right? You're not in charge. I am.

Sharkation, no. That's too loud. That's too loud. Sorry, Sam. These are all over the place, but the levels are going to be ruining your sound system. All right. Are you supposed to be mining or not? We want to...

That's what she said. That was the board. That was the board. That wasn't her. She is supposed... What did she say after that? Because she goes, you're supposed to be mining or not? And she's like, but I am.

No. No. Oh, oh. I thought that's what you said the other day. No. That was me just saying that to you. That's not really what... Because I...

Oh, I thought that was real. That girl was barely alive. She wasn't like, but I am. She was just... Oh. She just got through the reality that someone had just kicked her in the fucking face. Oh. And then had the nerve to say...

You're supposed to be my nicotope. I totally misunderstood you. Yeah. Yeah. But we want to welcome everybody who's streaming. Welcome to a live episode of... Your mom's house. There will not be any ads read on the show, but as always, we appreciate when you support

our sponsors like... That's not playing. Oh, he didn't... Is that not playing? Is our website address? That's not playing either. Do we just lose audio? Oh, no.

Um... Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. We there? Oh, we don't have anything, huh? I don't know. What? Stamps.com.

There we go. There we go. Stamps. And you can always visit our website. I heard bikes. I heard bikes. I heard... Did he say bikes in there?

He definitely said bikes. Yeah. He's just a super fan. He can't even get over himself. Yeah. So that is... B-b-b-b-b-bikes. Yeah.

My mom's house. Do you know... Do we have... We got an email. Yeah, yeah. About this, right? Let me read this about that guy, about the... That's...

If you haven't heard that episode, it's a drunk guy from COPS. Um, who's so into hearing... Drunk is an understatement. Can you play the one where he says bikes just now? Um, short. He says bikes. Sure. When I have them...

Have a barsaw. See? Yup. My bumper sticker... That cop's gonna be like, Is that really your thought? Yeah, man. Will that work?

Yeah, I guess so. My bumper sticker... I mean, here. We can probably... Bop, bop, bop, bop. I'm going. What are you doing? Mom.

Huh? What's up? I'm mom now. I can't hear you. I'm mom. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. Okay, hey, have you got any ID? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Okay, good, good.

Have you got a license? Maybe an identification card? No, I don't know. Tons of shirts? No. Okay, let's see some ID. I pull up the... Yeah, I heard it.

That's pretty good. That's good detective work. Somebody very high came up with that concept. Yeah. Bompus seat. Or it could've been a booster seat. Does he have a kid? Let's not give him more credit.

Alright. Guys. He's going to die any minute if he's not dead already, holy shit. So, we have to do, I guess, a proper intro for the show. Yeah, we'll start it. This is our pre-roll, as we like to call it. So here is your official intro for this live episode of your mom's house from the ice house in Pasadena. Here you go.

Yeah. Are you thirsty? I want a breast feed you. Here on these big nips. And watch how you suck me dry. We'll look here. All for you. Yes.

Come on, if you're thirsty. This is big time. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura. Christina Pazitzi. Christina Pazitzi.

Welcome to your mom's house. All right. Do you understand what's happening in that audio? I don't know if you under, yeah. It's a very, very forward shirtless German man with very thick nipples. Like dog nipples, like thick, juicy, ravaged. It's on my site. I put it up.

It's on my site. I filmed it. It's on my site. Because I loved it so much. It came to us like by five different people. So eventually I was like, oh, I should look into this. And I was so taken. I was so moved.

It's on Christina comedy. I'll put it on your mom's house too. But goddamn, like it's so creepy in German. It takes like five or six times watching it before you're stopping scared. And you can start enjoying it. Because it horrified me. It was so great. Because you feel like he's going to make you suck his nipple.

Yeah. Like he flicks his nipples and he's like, oh, you're thirsty. Oh, you're thirsty. And then he's like, I'm going to make you milk me dry. You're like, I don't want to. I don't want to milk you dry. But my favorite part is that real German sound. Yes.

Americans never do that. Nobody makes that here. It's so troubling. Is it this? That's such a, yeah. It's such a foreign. It's the German equivalent of like, you're come so tasty. Wait, but does Rocco Sofredi do that?

Because he's European. Or is that just a German thing? I think that's exclusively German. I mean, that's a ridiculous claim to make, but I just made it. Yeah, because that is, yeah, my grandmother sounded like that. That was one of her. When she was flicking her nipples and asking you to suck her dry. Oh, you're thirsty.

Do you understand that? Are you thirsty? I think sounds filthy in German, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. Like, would you like some lemon cookies? No. Don't not just so sweet and tasty. Take a bite.

Yeah, it's creep, creep city. Yeah. The Germans, but they have all the shies of porn. And like some guys sent us, we couldn't even play it on the show. So I've seen, it was like a nun. Oh my God. Remember that dude? Look, I'm not fucking horrified by a lot.

But this video was like, nope, Char will not forgive me for watching this. Yeah, it was so real. I don't, I have it, that's built into me. No, I can't get into nun, priest, porn. It's because of like such a strict Catholic upbringing that now I'll be jerking off. And that comes on, I go, that's not right. I'm not jerking off to that. That's your boundary?

Yeah, my boundary is like, take that priest collar off. Well, it would be okay if it was just like a nun having sex with somebody, but it was far worse. It was like... There's no, there's no audio to support this. We tapped out of this one. We feel like we scar you guys enough with the vlog. Why don't you go ahead and tell them what was in this video. So I opened it up and it was a nun and she's with a dude who's like...

She's chastising him, right? Yeah, she's like, oh, come here, it's a bad boy. And then she's... Okay, I'll bend to Olva and she bends him over and then she puts her mouth, her face and his butt. That part's cool. I had no problem with that. I like that. That's not cool.

I look that up all the time on all the sites because somebody's not so fucking giving in that department. I'm into that. I like watching that. There's not a woman in here. Can you just clap if you love eating guy ass? Just you one pig. You one pig. Yeah.

And he's a hairy guy. Look at that fucking pig. You think of us. Please don't. You don't want to think about... Please never do that again. So, okay, so here's the best part. Yeah, do you do this?

The next part? Go ahead, tell them. Yeah, so you might want to incorporate this. So she's like, okay, about Dova, you've been a naughty boy. And then she gets her mouth in there. Oh, I like the mic. The mic is as dirty as a man's ass. That's dirtier than assholes, for sure.

And then he shits in her mouth. Right. Too far, even for you guys. My friend Andy does that. I think she does that. She's in the back. So far. It wasn't even funny though.

It was like one of those where you're like, I don't fucking need this. It did, you made you sad and you're like, ah, in the name of the father and the son, please stop doing that. Do you know how I felt? I felt like that time when that video was going around where like a lady would suck a horse off or have sex with the horse. At first you're like, that should be funny. And you're like, it's not.

One guy, one guy, one cup is... You've seen that one? Just know. No, describe it. I know two girls, one cup. Oh wait, one guy is where he sits on it. Yeah, he sits on it. I remember that.

That was when we lived in the one bedroom apartment. We used to watch that over and over. I have videos, I think, on my old laptop where I would play that for everybody in my family to watch. Yeah, that was a fun question. But while the recorder was going and they're all like, and then you just see, and then Maria's like, oh, what's the big deal? Like, I don't see that.

Everybody else was scared. She was like, wow. Shut up everybody. Yeah. Shut up my tits. Jane did it. Like, Jane was angry at you. Jane was very upset.

Yeah. She doesn't even come on the show. Well, she might later today. I don't know. Maybe. So there's that guy, German nips. Oh yeah. So we just a little catch you up to date in our lives.

We haven't been able to move on from breaking bad. Like, I feel like we're still mourning the loss of that show. And normally we'd be, you know, head first into Downton Abbey. But I'm not ready yet to move on. I don't know about you. I'm starting to recover. I could maybe sneak in a Downton Daddy tonight. But it's just, it's not the stakes aren't high.

What are you talking about? You have to have all the silverware polished for breakfast. Right. The whole world will fall apart. Yeah. If you don't have the silverware polished for breakfast. Right. The whole world will fall apart.

Yeah. If you don't have the right tuxedo for tonight. It's the most ridiculous shit ever. It is so ridiculous. And I'm such a sucker for getting sucked into that show. Oh yeah. But doesn't it go to show like everybody has problems? Like even people that don't work for a living, like they stress about like, I can't possibly

wear this without a proper bun. And like it's all dumb shit. Yeah, it is. And they freak out the same way we do in our life. My thing is that I can't get over how these essentially are soap operas, but just with a different dress on it. Like I used to make fun of, you know, you grow up and like your friends, mom and they're like, I gotta watch my soaps.

And you're like, you're fucking losing it. Yeah, you're an idiot. And then I'm like, no, this is a soap. I'm watching this and I'm like, I can't miss my soap opera. I'm the same way now. I just click my tooth with it now. Well get that mic away from your mouth. She can't help it.

That guy's the best all the time. Don't hurt yourself. No, I know. It's a fake one. Is it there? Oh yeah. They're very, these are still the tempers. It's starting to hang.

It's starting to hang. I get my veneers in like April now. So fuck. Yeah, it's a severe dental update. Yeah. I haven't had, it's a long story. It's not even worth. They're still not the right color.

That's okay. They don't look. They don't look like teeth. I was going to say they don't look like teeth. They don't look like teeth. They don't look like teeth. Shut up. Yeah.

We started doing this thing where we play, attack each other. Like I'll pretend to fucking choke him out like that. Or just hit. And then it's this cool thing now where Theo gets really protective of us and he fucking loses his mind. Every time I hit him. I'm like, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And Theo just fucking loses his mind every time we play

fight. Like he barks, barks, barks. He's the worst guard dog ever. Because what he does is he goes to the aggressor and he barks at you and then he goes, pick me up now. So, if somebody was legit fucking attacking, he'd be like, please love me. He just wants you to stop attacking.

He can't handle the chaos in the room. It's so funny. It's abuse and you're a big fan of it. Yeah, well. You know why? Why? You're a sociopath. How dare you.

Theo's not here now, bitch. I'm fucking choking. Stop. You're hurting me. I had to shave his neck today. Oh, I bought a new beer trimmer and I fucked it up. Look at that neck. Clean as a whistle.

That's why I have a fucking Ryan Sickler on my face, because I screwed up. I had to shave your neck outdoors. That's our new thing. We don't do it before. Guys, this is a brilliant concept. Stop trimming indoors. Yeah.

Leave it outdoors. Leave it on the patio. Leave it on the driveway. Yeah. What were we doing in our household? Do it in your neighbor's fucking lawn. It doesn't matter. And there's a lot of fucking hair that comes off of this body.

All constantly. Yep. Your whole life is just hair maintenance, I feel like. You always point out that you're like, you always be like, you know, you have, you have hair on your fucking face. Yeah. And I was like, yeah. And then I think about it.

I'm like, yeah, I guess that is weird that you have to shave. I have to shave my eyes out of my face. Because if you look, if you look closely, he's got hair that comes all the way right here. So potentially part of your life will happen where it'll just go. We're almost there. I got a finger cut it. Yeah.

But we, we always shave your mustache together. How dare you. I put cream on there. Oh, that's so rude. That is so, I'm a natural blonde, you guys. That's going to happen. That's what happens to women, right? Like the older we get, we get hormones and then we get like fucking whiskers and shit.

Remember the lady and there's a lady, does anybody here live in Silverlake? We're Los Feliz. You do? You ever see the lady at the Gelsons on Hyperion who braids her goatee? She's an old lady. Two-story. She's always at the Gelsons and she has two braided fucking goatee hair belts.

The bearded lady of Los Feliz. Yeah, the homeless lady. You've seen her? I've never seen her. You've never seen her? You know the Gelsons? Yeah. Yeah.

She's. Yes. Yes. She is an inspiration to us all. She's fantastic. How long did you live there? Did you ever see the Silverlake walker before he died? He's dead, yeah.

No? What do you live inside? Fucking lunatic. You live inside or something? When we lived in Silverlake, there was a guy who, who he said he was a doctor. I don't know of what. He was like, he weighed 90 pounds and he would spend his entire day walking through Silverlake. Don't think of like, oh, I know a guy like that.

No, you don't. You know I don't. This guy, this guy's claim and I'm not shitting you. He claimed that he would walk about 27 to 35 miles, six days, five or six days a week. And then 50 to 100 miles the seventh day of the week and maintained a full medical practice. Yeah, that's not true. Yeah. And listen to me.

You saw him walking at all hours and all weather every day. Yeah, rain. Never stopped. It's crazy. He weighed 100 pounds. Yeah. He had skin like fucking leather and. Yeah.

And he was always. And like blue dolphin shorts. Yeah. Shirtless always and just walking. You're like, dude, stop, stop it. And then he died in a hot tub. Right. She was right.

Well. And he died because he stopped walking. He should have come walking. No, the legend has it that he walked all day so that he could eat what he wanted. Well, you can definitely. That's what they say. And so he would load up on like bullshit. He probably did like pills and blow and like whatever.

He was selling pills. Oh, he was selling them. He was selling pills. After that, after he died, they, all the reports were that he was, he was a fucking pill dealer. That's fucking cray cray there. He's on the mural. He's on a mural in silver. Like if you see him on Sunset Boulevard, like the guy was a, you know, figure.

Yeah, yeah. And by the way, you definitely can eat whatever you want if you walk 300 miles a week. I'm not, I haven't checked yet with the nutritionist, but that's definitely accurate. No shit. Okay. So in really important news. Last episode we covered come. Lots of the come discussion.

Yuck. Oh my God. You guys are so disgusting. Yes. And I put the call out, we put the call out to our listeners. Has anybody tasted their own come? Right. Lo and behold.

What a shocker somebody has. My favorite part is the subject line was I've tasted my come. And that's when I was hooked. Like you got me. Let's go ahead and read this email. Yeah. Do you want to read this one out? Sure.

You read this one. I'll make sure that you got. Okay. Here we go. Yeah. Okay. You got the whole one. Okay.

Go. It's so fantastic. So he writes, mommies. When I was 16, I was masturbating a lot. Hmm. Never had even kissed a girl at this point. All I had were my dreams, my hand and my dingus. I was pounding out left and right.

Leaving my way go to dry wherever it landed. This is like a penthouse form. I think he meant to write, wabble. Wabble. I love the idea of a girl taking it in the face and swallowing her reward. Thank you. So one day I thought I'd better smell it so I know what's up in case I have to convince a girl to do that to me.

Like he's going to fucking argue the point. Like, oh, I've had it. It's really good. Right. That's what he's... Right. No, it's really tasty. She's like, no, all right.

Yeah, yeah. It tastes like Snickers. What are you going to tell a girl? It's really delicious. I knew that if I was going to be a good salesman, I had to know my product. Okay. So I struggled. I strussled in a cup.

Struzzled. Struzzled. Oh. And what is that? German. Yes. Delicious way of putting that, sir. Struzzled.

I struzzled in a cup. I put my tongue in the cup and discovered what my semen tastes like. Salty bleach. Yeah. And he writes, yikes, can't sell that. Can't sell that. I guess, I guess I'll just get lucky when it happens. And it did.

I finally got my first BJ in Swallow two years later. It was great. I asked her if it tasted like salty bleach. She said it just tasted like cum. Oh, here, here. Sorry, the rest of it got cut off. Okay. So this is the best part.

Yeah. Where is it? Oh, yeah. It tasted like cum. I was kind of pissed because she already knew what it tasted like. And I tasted mine for no goddamn reason. These bitches are just out there giving blowjobs away. And then I remembered, I just got my dick sucked.

And I was fine with that. Thanks for letting me share Will in the Florida Panhandle. Thank you, Will. Thank you, Will, for sharing. Do you remember? You fucking animal, Will. Tommy, you never tasted your struzzled though? No.

You never wanted to. I got a couple of pop shots in the face because like laying back, being high, and servicing myself. And you know, my dong is kind of shaped like, ooh, like right here. It's about 17, 18 inches long. Yeah. It's a pipeline. No, we were talking.

So it's definitely happened where I was like, oh, shit, then I got it. But then we decided, you know, people, there's got to be a huge number of people out there who, guys, who their whole thing is every time they crank one out, they're like, ha, ha, and they go right in their mouth. They have to. Without question, that has to happen. That's every time. That's intense.

Right now, if you can conceive of it, it's happening. Right now. Right now, yeah. Some lunatic is like. Yeah. Do it. Do it. Do it.

I love when you do it. It's so. Do it. I love when you do it. It always, I always was disgusted by that in porn when it's like on the girl's face. And then she goes like. And then has to pretend to love it. Yeah.

Why? So good. Were you? What's going on right now? Yeah. Yeah. Is someone doing that right now and laughter? Is there anybody right now out there and laughter that has jerked into their own mouth?

I'd like to. Yeah. Can we see if someone responds to that? Let us know. Any questions from the lobster universe? Yeah. We'll take questions. Collect them.

And when you're ready, let us know. Yeah. Perfect. We should. Yeah. Perfect. Perfect. Damn.

I remember the first time I tasted. Oh, Jesus. You know, let's wrap this shit up. Let's just call it tonight. It's the best day of my life. I did that. It's funny. I did the scoop and score.

I like that you call it a scoop and score. That's what you call it. Isn't that the right? Is that the proper term for it? I don't fucking know. Are you serious? Do you think someone's going to get mad at us for using the wrong term for that? Like, that is not a scoop and score.

You'd be surprised because we'll get emails like, guys, it's not cold. It's called the licking, the lick-a-maid or whatever. Yeah. The fun dip. People do get fired up about the weirdest shit. I know. I know. But anyways, back to my story.

Yeah. Your first time. Your first time. Your first of your 10,000 times. So much. You remember the first one for real? Yeah. Of course I remember my first one.

How old were you? I'm going to write a book. I'm going to write a book. I was 10 years old now. Well, in that case, tell it slowly. It's so immature. Okay. Tell us.

Tell us. I don't even love to my boyfriend. No, here's the thing. All you need to do is do this. You did that. That is terrible. That is terrible. That is terrible.

That is terrible. That is terrible. That is terrible. That is terrible. That is terrible. That is terrible. This is the dirtiest episode. Yes.

And we've got so much more awful shit too. This is the beginning. It's not even getting warmed up. So listen, so I had a goth boyfriend in high school and he and I were together for like four years and we waited a whole year before we had an intercourse, believe it or not. So I, we did everything up until then. And the first time I tasted that, it literally, I remember this is so personal. Oh, great.

Around the world. Um, no. I don't think I've ever shared this story with anybody. Yeah. Or you even. Yeah, me too. I want more. Okay.

So, so the first time I remember like, I remember my friends were talking about it because I went to an old girl's Catholic high school and that's fucking hot. It's not. It's all in each other's box. No, no. That's cool. I know that's what happens by the way when you go to OBGYNs, you guys are all like, oh, my God.

I didn't, I know now that that's what you do, right? So gross. I hate that kind of porn. Don't you? I hate it. I don't hate it at all. I think it's funny. Really?

I wish there was proctology porn. Was that the waitress? Ask her for one. Okay. Okay. Me and the Catholic girls, you know, we always talked about sex. We were like dudes because all girls, when you get together without men interfering, you turn into dudes with that age and so whenever we did something sexual, we like congratulate

each other in high five and yeah, it was kind of cool. So it was, it was like very sex positive. So when I gave my first BJ, I knew that like, oh, this is going to be really fucking crazy. And so it, you know, it came at me quick and it, you know, the reward, the end of the road and it, it hit the back of my throat and immediately it was gagged reflux, yeah, because it's, it's hot and snotty and it's like, wait, so did you puke on his balls? I was this close to like throwing up and then I just, I gagged and then I was like, just pretend to swallow it.

And then I just spit it into my hand and then wiped it on something super, super disrespectful. He gave you his reward and you threw it away. Give me my reward. Now let's talk about some of my favorite blowjobs from the family. I remember the first blowjob I ever got, I was on the phone while I was getting it. Do you know how fucking awesome that is? I had never gotten one and I tried to put off the like air of like, something happens all the time for me.

How old are you? First of all. 16 or 17? Okay. Yeah. So yeah, it's not, it's not, it's not, I'm not young, but I'm making up for it with cool points by on the phone. Who are you talking to?

I was talking to a friend from school. Okay. Not like your mom. No, no, no, no, no. I was talking to a friend from school and I was like, yeah, so we have that assignment due. And then the girl unzipped. What a fucking whore, I hate her.

For the record, it wasn't like that great of a blowjob. Thank you. And I was like, do you remember being disappointed in blowjobs, like imagining how great they would be. Thanks buddy. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

Like you thought, you can't just do that. The, I thought that blowjobs would be more like, oh my God, amazing. Then like, well, she's a fucking asshole. She's an amateur. I mean, she's in fucking, you know, she's a fucking sophomore or whatever, she doesn't really know what she's doing. A sophomore, babe. Those are like 14 or 15.

Or 16. All right. No, no. Softwares are 16. Really? I didn't think so. Yeah. Not my fucking dumb friends.

All right. Anyways. I'm gonna be sick. It was okay. But then I slammed it in her and that felt really good. You slammed it in her that day? That's the day you got both the BJ and the full deal? Nah, I don't remember actually.

I got the same, both in the- You don't remember? Well, I got them both in the same room. So it's kind of hard. I can't remember. It all bleeds together, huh? Well, there was a lot of blood the first time. That is so gross. It all felt good.

It all felt good. All right. I'm gonna throw up. I don't want to hear this. All right. Just kidding. It's not all right. Yeah, let's hear it.

Let's get it. Derek says accidentally like once, twice, dozens of times, just tastes kind of cuddly. Okay. Well, good for you, Derek. What do you say to that? It's kind of cuddly. Thank you, Derek. All right.

I know. I did ask. We asked. Yeah. Thank you for drinking all that cum, Derek. Do it. It's delicious. The fuck.

The fuck. The fuck. The fuck. It's delicious. It's delicious. The fuck. It's delicious. The fuck.

The fuck. The fuck. The fuck. The fuck. Do we have anything on laughter or any interactions, people? Yeah. Okay, let's do it. Let's do it.

Let's see. What's going on? She says, how much closer are you guys to Backdoor Play after hanging out with the pebbles? The fuck. The fuck? The fuck. There's your answer right there.

No. Another part of that interview was when we walked through her day, the day of the infamous scene shooting, she's like, oh, I had to do my prep work, and oh my God, all of it is amazing, but the idea that she was proud of herself because her body could accommodate that, but that kind of made sense to me in a weird way, I was like, oh, that makes sense. Yeah, it did. Because it was genuine. She wasn't putting us on.

Yeah, it was weird. She was really like, do you understand how hard it is to get that many dicks in you? And we were like, that is a lot. Honestly. Honestly. Yeah. Oh my God. But I'm so afraid of butt stuff, you know, because my, now this is a true story, so my

mother, who is a whack job, a total lunatic, ironically worked for a psychiatrist when I was a child. So she would show me these files of- Totally cool to do. Patience. Yeah, yeah. Right? Hey, look at this fucking loser. Right?

I didn't even think about it. You don't want to be a fucking weirdo like this guy that comes in. Isn't that funny? Yeah. And now, see, it's so funny. Yeah, okay. Which is everyone's biggest fear. Yeah, of course.

Like when you go, it's like, well, at least I know I won't be outed. And then the secretary's like- Yeah. To her like eight-year-old daughter. And so, okay, so here's the thing. It was right when AIDS came out and like nobody knew how you could get AIDS. And my mother was like in a hysteria about gay people and AIDS. And I remember she's like, I'll show you this file. This is a guy, these two homosexuals.

One put a vibrator in another one's ass. How old are you? I was like seven or eight. And she goes, she goes, and they couldn't take it out. So he had to go to the emergency room and have it surgically removed. Yeah. And that's one of those things that stuck in my head. Like, oh, if I put something in my butt.

No, but I can get this out. I can get it out. I promise. I think, you know what I mean? It's like a deep-seated fucking childhood thing. I'll be honest. I don't honestly. Honestly.

Tension or- I'm sorry. I have honestly written here. I don't know why that's- why is that not her? Is that not her? I don't know. Tension or- I don't know. That's not her. Yeah.

But anyways, I don't have a crazy- you can- you don't have to worry. You're not, like, disappointing me by not giving up your filthy butthole. I don't have a butthole thing. That elicited an awe from the audience. Yeah. Now, do I want you to spit and gag and puke all over it? Yeah. Over your butthole?

On your butthole or on your- Yeah, on my butthole. Yeah. Yes. Speaking of fun fetishes, this came in. Oh, yeah. This is probably one of my favorites, too. God, you guys have all the hits today.

You're going to read this, but this is a- This came in. It's a Craigslist ad. Came in just today. Craigslist is a wonderful, glorious place to find new friends and then step into new adventures. Right. Couches are sexual encounters. Yes.

So in this one, the best part of this tweet is that it's- All of it. Well, or it's the ad, but then the person was like, sounds like a pretty wild girl in there. And I was like, ah, something makes me think this isn't a girl. I'll leave it up to you, but why don't you go ahead and read the message and decide. Is this a guy or a girl? I was putting this out there. This reminds me of when I lived in San Francisco, we would read the classifies back then in the 90s before the internet.

So I'm just going to start with the subject. I love LUV to smell and eat farts from s-420 exclamation mark. Like weed too, but I also like farts. Like if you weren't sold on the first part, the 420 like- But I'll roll one up too. Yeah, there's no weed involved. I ain't down. Here we go.

This is Atlanta in case anybody out there wants- ATL. It's definitely in the house. Here it comes. I love to smell and eat ass and farts. Looking for attractive in shape black males to fart in my mouth and face while I eat your ass. It gets better. You think that's a shocker?

Hold on. You must be able to push out lots and lots of farts. If you are not really gassy and cannot fart a lot, do not hit me up. That implies that enough people have been like, yeah, I can fart, but not a lot. You want a lot? He had to put that in the ad. I'm looking for tons of farts to eat. Bonus, I will also jack you off and or suck your dick and balls from behind.

That's a nice bonus. That's pretty cool. It's a giver. That's a date. That's a full date. I took you to the movies and whatever. I'm gassy like you want it now. Suck my balls and I'll fart in your mouth.

But you have to be attractive in shape and black. That's a lot of criteria. Here's what I don't understand. It says, then it goes H-M-U. I don't know what that means. Anyone know H-M-U? Hit me up. Oh, don't worry.

Okay, yeah. Hit me up. 420 smokers. A plus plus match. Question mark. Smyrna. A location, Smyrna. He just signs it as Smyrna.

Smyrna, Georgia. Have you been eating farts in that neighborhood? No. But you know the area. It's out of, it's in the Atlanta area. You know Smyrna? What kind of neighborhood is that? It's like a middle box.

They have a little bit of get-away stuff. Is it a farting neighborhood? That's so bizarre. How do you put that out there in the world? At least he knows what he likes. You know, some people go their whole lives. How do you figure that one out, man? Uh, yeah.

I don't know. That one's out of my expertise. I don't know. I guess I could, I mean, the guy told us, remember this guy that came up to us in the show? This guy, we did a live podcast, and this guy goes, I'm the one who sent you the email?

I was like, we get a lot of emails, dude. You're just going to say the email? And he goes, you know, and I go, no, I don't know. And he goes, I'm the one that I like. And the best is that his girl's like 10 feet away. He's like, he goes, I like what she farts in my face. Like he points at her like I know her.

And I'm like, oh, oh, you're the, he's like, yeah, I'm the fucking guy. And I go, I go, all right. And he goes, yeah. So, and I was like, I thank you. And he's like, yeah, the thing that I like, I think we said this, he goes, the thing I like is the taboo,

like the pretty girl. Oh, right. Yeah. It's forbidden fruit. But the nice thing he goes, she really, you know, she helps me out. Every time she has a fart, she comes and she lets me know. Oh, I could so do that.

Yeah. And I made poop soup today too. So I'm fully loaded. So, okay. Any more laughter questions? Oh, okay. Let's, let's do it. Let's do it. No, let's get crazy. All right. You can leave my wife alone.

That one, you're not going to answer. All right. Next question. Yeah. This is what we get for talking like this. But I feel like you realize that we made our show a fucking porn forum. Totally our fault in the gutter. There's so many. They, they change.

It changes all the time. People changes for sure. I love, I love the, the Orson one. That one's really good. Because that one we've had in our lives for a while. For a while. We didn't play it a lot. We did it as a drop. Yeah.

I've loved that one. I'll always be a fucking big bike fan. Dick, I'll make you slap somebody in the face. You know, I think my favorite ones are actually the black angry guys. Those are my favorite ones. What a shocker. That's my happy place. It is. Yeah. That's so funny. My husband loves,

you know, we were in the house yesterday hanging out and he was just yelling black to himself. I don't say it like that. Well, no, I mean, that's what you were doing. Yelling black to himself. Like, you were, what do you think? You were like, I ain't going out like that. Like, he stands in the kitchen.

Cause I ain't going out like that. Yeah. Remember? Like, was it yesterday you stood in the kitchen? Yeah. And you just like yelled at yourself and I know you're mentally in a good place. Actually, here's my favorite one. This is my favorite one. It's one of the first ones.

It's like a son of me, man. Yeah, that's a good idea. I love that one because of the context. The guy that had just beaten the shit out of one, he's a football coach, he literally tackled and tried to fight one of his players and he was like, he's like a son of me, man.

I love that. I love the contrast of like hitting someone and being like a son, man. That shit is what makes me laugh. It's a psychotic one. I love it. You're like a son of me, man. It's so stupid. Also, on laughs or guys, don't forget,

you can bid on our cool three prizes. Like, what are they? One of them is like a, you can get like a poster and my new CD that's coming out called Man of the Year. It's almost ready. Thank God. The CD is awesome and the fucking artwork is amazing. Yeah, you're going to love it.

That's prank calling whoever you want. Which is so fucking funny. I love this idea. Yeah, I want to do that one the most. I will do it as Teddy Lunes if you want me to. We'll fart into... Wallet there. We'll do that. Oh, we stopped doing prank calls. We should do those again.

That was so fun. Yeah, I know. So much fun. Prank calls are fun. So yeah, so, you know, bid on that stuff. That's cool. Do we have any more questions from Peeps? Tommy, have any Eastie boss stories? Oh my God. Wait, what? Eastie box, dude.

Oh, any Eastie box stories. Like, yeah, like girls with bad bodies. No, I understand the question. Did I ever tell you, yeah, we can move on. All right. No, but you were going to start, yeah, tell me. Why don't you tell me like the rotten crotch story? Is that...

Yeah, I got... We and my buddy who I won't name, but who you know. Okay. We got picked up when I was like 40 pounds lighter, where we were in New York City. You're so cute. And these two girls came up to us in a bar.

We're both single guys. We're like 21. And they were like, just hitting on us. And we were like, ah, whatever. You know, we're having a drink. They're like, do you want to come home? Or like the two of us? With two of you? And they were like, yeah, we're like, fuck, yeah. Yeah, we'll do that shit. We get, they have this beautiful,

huge apartment in New York City. This is like fucking six grand a month kind of apartment. She goes into her room with my friend. I go into this girl's room. And then, you know, we start doing our thing. What? What things? Just like reading to each other and stuff.

Yeah. Just algebra and stuff? Yeah, I was like... Reading the Bible? I like poetry. Like, what do you like? Yeah, right. Oh my God. But she didn't have the freshest smelling juice box. Yeah.

Here's the thing. I think she thought I was just going to be some fucking savage, you know? Right, right. And then we did it. It wasn't impressive. You did it anyways? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.

What am I going to say? No? Why are men so gross? Like if I smelled a dude's crotch and it was fucking nasty, I'd be like, all right, deuces, I'm out. I'm the impetus to bang, so... Because she was willing to let it happen. That is

men's standards for sex. No, I know. Are you permitting this to happen? It's mortifying, yeah. I will go forward then. Okay. So, but what did it smell like? It just... What I have to know

if we're going there, let's fucking go there. It's a fair question. It smelled like an old fucking locker room. It smelled like an old fucking locker room. And I knew that... Here's the thing. I was like... I was going to pig out and just be like... Are you fucking serious?

I was going to. You're going to put your mouth on it? No, that was the plan until... I smelled this over the underwear. She still had underwear on. So I was like, you need to change your drawers, right?

No, I was the best part. Here's the best part, because I'm such fucking softy. So we... We finished the act. It's nothing impressive on either one. Did you at least use a condom? Yeah, I did.

She fucking was like, you have a condom? So I did. She's all high maintenance like that. I don't want AIDS. Then we finished. It wasn't great. Time sex is usually not... I've never really done the one night stand thing,

but the first time you beg somebody... There's some animals out there that are fun. So... She was... Whatever. She kind of laid there and I was like... Yeah. She was like... Then we're done

and I start talking to her and then she's like... Like, we don't have to talk. And I was like... Oh, like... I realized I'm like chat... I'm like, so like, what are you doing? Yeah, that's what I would do.

And she was totally the dude that picked me up and I was the chick who was like, I like you. And she was like... Yeah, and I was like... Do you want to have breakfast tomorrow? And she's like, no, I'm good. Thanks, bro. And I'm like, okay, I guess I'll shut up. She's like, please, please shut the fuck up.

That's how I am. That's why I can never do one night's dance. Because I'm always like, do you like me? Can we be in love now? We're going to get married tomorrow? Like, I never was... And I fell down the stairs that night at a bar like a fucking long flight of stairs. To the point where I slit like...

It was St. Patrick's Day in New York City. So it was like... It was just beer and fucking booze all over. I slit all the way down. I remember I slid down on my ass like that, right? And I got up. I immediately got up and I was like in so much pain

that I had my eyes... And I was just like standing at the wall, like... Trying to recover from that fall. And this guy goes, you all right, man? And I was like, yeah, he goes... That was hilarious watching you fall. And I was like...

Thank you. He's like, well, you're all right. I mean, I might as well tell you... I was like, thank you. Thanks a lot. I had a fucking black and blue huge mark on me I was showing it to people.

You gotta see this shit. And I was like, yeah, I got laid that night. It was pretty cool. I don't know where the fuck we're going with this. That was from a question? Thank you, dear. That's the Smelly Box question. Any other ones?

Let's do one, not... Thanks. He's on it, yeah. I know it already. Number one, all-time moment was when he told us he uses Clorox bleach wipes.

That was... You guys know that's a thousand percent real. That is not made up. For me, that's top three. For me, the biggest moment is getting him in convert... Here's the thing. Without making it a thing,

I casually got out of him that he has killed people. Yeah, that was good too. You have to understand this is something I'm working on my whole life. Like, when I learned what war was and my dad had been in war, the first thing I said was like, did you kill anybody?

Then when I got a little older, it was that he broke down for me that he led a troop so it made sense that he's the guy in charge. He's like, I didn't actually do anything like that. And I was like, okay, I always pressed him to tell me that he killed somebody.

Well, even when we first got married, and I just got to know him, I was like, did you kill people? And he wouldn't tell me for... It took four years before he broke down. In the conversation, where he comes out with it, when you kill people,

he's like, yeah, I mean, so when I did that, I was like... That I got him to say it. It was just, you know, we did get fucking mayonnaise on those sandwiches. It was super casual. And that's the fucking best moment for me. Yeah.

Definitely better than sex. Absolutely better than sex. We're going to Orlando Airport in 1984. Oh, yes. Shitting in Orlando. We are trying to put together a live podcast. We're doing them in a few... We announced New York, we're going to New York.

We're going to do it in Seattle. San Francisco on March 20th. March 20th on New San Francisco. We're trying to put together one in Orlando. And I told my dad, I go, yeah, we might go do the podcast live in Orlando. He'd be like, that'd be a treat for them to meet me on that one.

And he goes, yeah, I'll be at that. And I go... Should I invite you and shit first? And he's like, they'll believe me. They want to meet me. Okay. He would go, that'd be bananas. All right.

What do you think about this? Yeah, so we got a treat for you. You guys ready for a fun treat? Yeah. I hope you enjoy this. We should introduce it properly. Oh, my God. We get a volume, Sam.

Seriously. Oh, he stepped out. Oh, my God. Hey, Sam, we need a sound. What a volume, please. Oh, my God. Seriously. Let's do that again. Come on, man. Okay, okay. One more time.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There we go. That's a proper fucking intro. Seriously. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Seriously. Oh, my God. Seriously.

Oh, you're in for a treat. Okay, yeah. And by the way, you do everything perfectly, Sam. All right, these audio levels, each one is their own thing. I'm sure you've realized that by now. Sorry about that. We had the pleasure of calling

Maria today. Yeah! Best ever. Today's her birthday. I did not realize that when I called her. No, but she doesn't know that. I remembered.

I was like, yeah, you can hear it in my voice. I'm like, happy birthday. I just realized as I'm talking to her, and then we had a special treat. My sister Jane is at Maria's house, so I got both of them on the phone. Sam, are you there?

Okay, I don't know how this volume is. Let's try it out. Hi! Hey, what's up, man? How are you? Good. I'm sorry. I didn't call you earlier, but I wanted to say happy birthday.

How was your birthday going? I literally had no fucking clue when I called her. I just texted her happy birthday just now. She has no... Okay, here we go. Shit. It's been so fun. Jane picked me out last night,

and I got just completely retarded. Like, I haven't been in my 20s. Really? Do you understand what the fuck she's saying? Yeah, it's like... Yes, I have stuff I got retarded last night. It was like, I haven't been in my 20s. Yeah. But I walked in,

and I took a step on the floor, and then I passed out, and then started violently bumping. And Jane and Jeff had to clean me up. And I laughed at her, and as I wiped out the whole way home, I just totally ate shit on the sidewalk. That's a good birthday, though.

That's what it's all about. I've never seen... And Jeff and Jane and I seen two bucks away, like, outside on the street. Yeah, and then this morning, we showed our house, and Jane and I went up to brunch, and then I got her hair done.

Wow. And then I had sex with my husband, and he was sick next year. That's great. Wait, did you just say that they just had sex? Yes, she threw out there, if you can decipher what the fuck she's saying. She vomited,

she did, she got shit-faced, and her and Jane... And her and Jane went to breakfast brunch, and she had sex with her husband, and she was like, nah, la la la la. That's a great birthday. That's such a great birthday.

Well, um, what do you tell me now about the... What is it called? The Alderman that you've been calling? Alderman? Oh my God, it's fucking Alderman. Wait, what is that? Explain that. I didn't know this. I called the other day, my little sister's visiting,

so Jane tells, she's like, do you know that about Maria and the Alderman? And I was like, what the fuck is that? And she's like, it's like a city council person. She goes, Maria calls the Alderman every day, and complains about, like, potholes

and signs. Can you imagine how awful it is to, like, pick up, and then someone's like, yeah, if I got a pot-pot, I'm saying this shit. And it's like, this motherfucker can't hear Maria call him every fucking day.

And I'd be like, you gotta fix the pothole. So, we ask, I literally, I'm sitting there across from Christina, and I go, what's up with the Alderman? She takes over, and I just look, I go, like, it was like we,

like, when you see politicians, and you go like, how do you feel about, you know, this issue? And they're like, perfect, I'm so glad you asked me that. Let me give you a 30 fucking minute answer. Like, she starts talking about what she's changing in her neighborhood. And keep in mind, it sounds like Top Dog, just a little bit. It does, it does a little bit.

Watch Living, in a house, and having a child, that a lot of times when there's unresolved issues in the city, there's a person you call the Alderman. So, I tend to call at least once a month about something, whether it's, you know, the obstructions in the alleyways

or potholes, or, which is a really big one. Is it the massive potholes after all this weather? And then, there was, this is the weakest point in the alleyways in the house, there's a goddamn hole in our, in the sidewalk. A hole, like a hole in the sidewalk,

and there's a pipe there, and they never put the piece on there. So, really, I called every week, explaining the safety situation. It was a total hazard. Like, every time, you know, old ladies, dogs, you know, walking them, with their feet twisted, their ankles in there, especially kids, they're running around.

Like, every single week, I was calling, complaining, like, can you please fix the hole in the sidewalk? Like, it's, so at first, it came out, and it put one of those sandwich boards on there. What? What is going on? And this is how we're doing the call. I'm like, I don't know what she's saying.

She has so much time to, like, think about, I mean, that's a lot of dedication to call the Alderman. Is that what that's called? I'm sure they keep you on hold, and you have to get through. This is a new word for me. Yeah, I never fucking heard of that. It says caution. And so basically, you know, all that happened was

they start dragging around, or they think it's a climbing. Jeez. Eight months later, finally, doorbell rings, like, 8.30 at nine o'clock at night, and it was the city finally coming to fix the hole, and they asked me to move my car. And then I called again

about the Pothold. Uh-huh. And about the rash, and about the alleyway that how, um... You ever really regret asking somebody something, and you're like... Yeah, you're right.

Yeah. It's like the cop that asked that guy, and he's like, just your van? He's like, bop, bop, bop, bop. He's like, yeah, good. And see, oh my god, that's a big one. People speed on the street. So they said they were doing a report.

I requested speed bumps. I also called to request a print sign that says through street to... It's a cul-de-sac at the end. You can't go all the way through to both avenues. People think. So I called about that. I called and requested either speed bumps or speed signs. Or I'm going to stop sign at Fremont,

which is still if you have to do. And then I've reported many, many Pothold, which I found within 24 hours they have fixed. Thank you very much. That was the result of my calling. And then I called about, um... failures in parks that

really have been supporting me to parks and recreation and all that. So are you like a neighborhood activist? I kind of am. Kind of am. Are you thinking about career and politics maybe? Absolutely not. It can be. I would be like, I have a way

to make fun of my closet. Oh, okay. Absolutely not. Hey, what? What did we say? I don't even know what was said there. Oh. Yeah, like,

yeah, that's not going to be good on the campaign trail. Uh, ma'am, did you say shit on my tits? My brother has a thing and I was helping my brother out. This is personal about my fucking family.

Yeah, I'm going to start all over your fucking days. I might have to do a talk. Come over here and shit on my tits. All right. That was my favorite shit on my tits. Shit on my tits. Does that.

So, Jane said the other day that you guys, that you've been, uh, this was great. Jane, my other sister gave me the warning that Maria has been fucking really heated. And this was like,

you know, not like something I baited out of her. She was like, she's really been fucking fired up about Starbucks. And I was like, oh, I have to call her. Yeah, of course. I'm so excited. I'm fired up lately about Starbucks because they're inconsistent. Oh my gosh.

She has no idea we're recording this call. We're calling her from a landline and she's like, ah! You know, one of the things, and this is a fact, if you're going to spend however many dollars, especially the amount of money I spent at Starbucks,

you'd think you'd get consistency there. What really bothers me is that every time I go to Starbucks, it's a different price or a different policy. And like, I should get consistency. I don't care what it cost me, but at least it should be the same everywhere I go. And I drink the same fucking thing

everywhere I go, but they charge me differently or it's a different name. But why? Is it tea with a soy topper or one place, another place to meet, so another place, it's fucking latte. I mean, just because I have to push the button, it's esteem. It's a whole other drink. It imperates me.

And I'm really working hard on being calm and not throwing a shit and not saying inappropriate things to the faces. But it's very imperating. Like, why? Oh yeah, I call Starbucks, I call it corporate all the time. And I get at least three or four times a day they send me like, free drink things.

Do you understand what's going on? This is the top-talk thing. She's now calling corporate. Which is what top-talk, he's like, I'm not real happy with the service I got at the McDonald's. And now she's like, I got a Starbucks. And they're like,

all right, please stop calling us. We'll send you a fucking coupon. Like father like daughter. It really is. Here it goes. Oh, you do call about this? I call typical time. That's on the specific location that people have a change in policy

from everybody else. I don't remember time like this specifically and who the manager is, who served me. I can never see and I tell them like, this is what my friends look like. Why don't you draft up a letter? We could post a letter online for you.

Draft a letter to Starbucks? Exactly. Yeah, corporate. I could put it in writing. I think writing always has a bigger impact. I agree. I like to encourage her. I did email

to Pinkberry. I was very upset. Pinkberry. Was she emailed Pinkberry? Would you even know how to do that? Oh, she's going to tell you. Ridiculous scenario.

I don't think I've ever contacted a corporation for anything. This is true. When she visited us, Maria is like hardcore athlete and she's done triathlons and all this shit and she fucking

eats healthy all the time. Never stops. She fucking comes over and she's like, huge six, seven months pregnant and she's like, I didn't get a fucking yogurt. And I was like, okay. And she's like, it's what I get every day.

I get a fucking huge yogurt Sunday. That was her pregnancy craving where these enormous Pinkberry style. She liked the sour. I like the sour style top. The caramel drizzle on top of the yogurt.

Pinkberry. They opened 30 minutes late because the guy didn't have mango. So she's upset that a Pinkberry one time opened 30 minutes late because they didn't have fucking mango. It's important you guys.

She was really fired up. She didn't have chocolate mango. I went in there. Every single week on my day off I get a big pinkberry Sunday with my pregnancy craving. So I go my regular time

and I can see everything set out. Things ready to go. The lights are all on. All the spoons are in and I have a bowl to fill. I'm calling. I'm calling. I'm calling. No answer. I mess in an email and it turned out that they opened late. Because he went

the guy was opening it. Went to go buy mangoes. He's like oh I didn't have the mangoes weren't right here. And this is like during Comic Con. Down the street. He's seriously open. During prime you know like a lunch break for people

when there's Comic Con and like whatever else is going on. He didn't have mangoes. So it's another apologize man. I'm going to send him a couple coupons. Yeah that is definitely a lot of money lost. Hey did you by any chance get to hear our podcast where we had on the porn star?

Did you not talk about that shit anymore? Bumming me out. So wait I just ran over it. But I said I just said to her did you hear our podcast that we did with Jules. This is what I'm asking her right now. Who we are.

You didn't hear it? No which one is it? I'll listen to it tonight. Yeah we talk about you with her and we compare your guys voices. It's so much fun. I'll listen to it again. Okay let me pull it up. Hold on a second.

I actually don't remember the episode number but it's pretty recent. I'm hoping to get a phone call from her about this. Well it's her name. Her name is Jules Ventura. Okay. If you we talked about

she gives a great interview and later on we bring up that your guys voices and I think you'll enjoy it. Here I'm pulling it up right now. Hold on one second. It's episode number

188. Okay. 188. Okay. Hey happy birthday. I love you. Hi how's it going? It's so cold.

It's freezing. So they're in Chicago. Jane has no clue that she's beyond also. We never tell your family when they're being recorded. The best thing is setting up this landline to record. Why does it say this when I call?

It's my landline. What are you up to? I always change the subject. It's so bad to do. But Jane... Here I'll just let you... It's terrible. I heard you guys had fun last night. Oh my god.

I haven't seen Maria like party in so long. It was hysterical. Yeah you guys got fucked up. Actually I was the one... I'm telling you what you did last night. She didn't remember anything. I was like

remember this? Remember that? Remember when I picked you up on the ground? I was like... That's good. But yeah. It was fun. That's awesome. Yeah.

I had a really relaxing birthday. So it's been good. What are you guys up to? We're just hanging out. We're going to do our show. Our podcast. We're going to do it live tonight. Oh nice. You can actually watch.

We're going to do a porn star. That's a different thing. What's that about Blue Iris? Okay. Right there. So Jane goes... There's something... What's the thing with the porn star? Is that about Blue Iris?

Blue Iris was that old porn star. She used to be on Stern Show all the time. She was doing porn in her 60s. Yeah. She was like... That's exactly what it was like. So I break the the true news to Jane.

Listen to Jane's response. Yeah. No, we didn't have Blue. Blue Iris is dead. What? She's dead. Blue Iris died? Yeah, she died a few years ago.

What? She's gonna use that. I didn't know that was so funny. Oh. Why is she laughing that Blue Iris is dead? I don't understand it either. I was like looking at her like...

And then she was like... It was so funny to her that this older porn star died. Yeah, I still don't understand why she's laughing. I think... I really think it's actually kind of a sophisticated

sense of humor thing where she has like a dark fun sense of humor. Where she's going like... It's like if you go like, hey, how's Kevin? And I'm like, he's dead. And you're like... I think she's like that. I think she has like a dark, funny sense of humor.

But the truth is she might be drunk. I think, yeah. I think they're daytime drinking. Wait. Why is it so funny? I don't know. Really, I laugh. What?

I think she's really shy. Yes, I know. If something happened yesterday where I did it, she was kissed, held it at the restaurant. She landed right on her head. It was horrible. And I couldn't help but laugh. I'm like you. I'm like you.

But do you know what Blue Iris died of? Don Aria. She overdosed on Cox. She had too many Cox in her at the same time. She overdosed on Cox. She overdosed on Cox. She overdosed on Cox. Yes.

Yes. Uh-oh. The battery is critically low. Her phone just told me. Okay. I'll let you go. There's this movie you should watch. I'll look it up. This girl kills a guy and then she masturbates in the shower.

I think you'd find it really funny. I'll look it up. I just tell you. Make sure you said it to me. Okay. Happy birthday, Maria. Love you guys. Bye-bye. Bye.

No, the funny thing was, you know that the game is at Maria our porn star? And then she count up. I thought we had her for a second. Yeah, we had some secret intel. That was great. I like it even better now hearing it again. Yeah, super fun. Jane's super funny, man.

Yeah, she is. Yeah, we gotta go. Can I do this one thing and then... Real quick, real quick. One last thing. This is super funny, guys. I should say that the other night I was watching TV late

and Salma Hayek was in a film. Some shit movie on HBO. I wanted her to go to the bathroom all over me. I just wanted her to... Both, both. One and two. What do you got? I thought you were going to be like, and I heard this song

and I thought of our show. Cool. You know what it's time for? It's fill her up and seal her shot. Yes, and I thought it would be neat if we did like a gross people edition.

Um... This episode has been really gross and... Thank you. We discussed a booker picking. Oh, I can't handle it, man. I really can't. That's my equivalent to your puke thing

is this booker's. So I thought I would do gross people. So for the women, I have Brook Shields. Because she picks her nose and she eats it. She eats it, yeah. She eats it on the internet, at tennis games. Look it up.

Yeah, it's fucked up. There's documentaries about it. Look it up. And I also chose Snooki because she's fucking gross, yeah. She's gross and shit. She's unhygienic, I think. She always looks kind of greasy and slimy.

Get in greasy. Alright, so Brook Shields or Snooki, who do you want to fill up and seal shut? Yeah, I mean, she was fucking blue lagoon. But she's an older broad now. I like it. I got nothing wrong with that.

I like it. But what if she picked a booker and then wiped it on you when you're doing it? Then I would say, open up your brown eye. I'm coming in. You gotta pay. That's fucking nostalgia. I'm going back to being 12, 13. It's probably one of the first

naked females I ever saw. Yeah, for everybody. And she's still a beautiful woman. She is the spokesperson for Lazy Boy. I know. Something so dear to our hearts, of course. We went to Lazy Boy and there's Brook Shield all over. That was the best. Lazy Boy.

My dream is one day to have enough money so that everything in our home is Lazy Boy. I know. I went Lazy Boy so guys, donate. I'm going to go Snooki because, yeah, well, I know she's a new mom and all, but I feel like she's desperate for attention

and she'll really try her best. She'll eat your box better than anything. I do think she'll try harder. That's a good point. Point, Christina. I think Snooki will try to make up for how gross you find her by doing extra things.

And her 15 minutes are almost done. And Brook Shields will be like, I'm fucking Brook Shields, man. She's got an uppity. You're going to have to tie her up. You still do what you want, but she's just not as willing. Okay, so for the dudes, first of all, let's take a poll. Who chooses Brook Shields clap?

Okay. It's not a bad show. Snooki, clap for Snooki. Brook Shields it is. Okay. The mommies have spoken. Brook. Okay, for the guys, I chose R. Kelly. Uh-huh.

Because he's peed on like a 15-year-old girl. He's a fucking savage animal. Yeah, he's a douchebag. Or... Who makes great music. Really good music. Okay, so R. Kelly or my uncle Steve. Nobody knows him.

No, I know nobody knows him. Here's the thing, my uncle Steve looks just like Ellen DeGeneres. True story, Ellen DeGeneres basically over R. Kelly. Yeah. So who, basically, which guy do you want to be with more?

Fucking... Not my uncle Steve, yeah. No, who is R. Kelly or Ellen DeGeneres? Yeah. It's my uncle, he's got money. He lives in Hungary. You want Uncle Steve over R. Kelly? Yeah.

Wow. He's a piece of R. Kelly, huh? Dude, he can fucking serenade the shit out of you. You're talking about first-class flights. Probably private jets. But my uncle Steve's got money, too. That's a good point.

Yeah, but how do you know you don't like that? Shit. Okay. He picks his nose a lot. Brooke Shields. My father thinks that my uncle Steve has big nostrils because he picks them so much. That's not why he has big nostrils.

No. And he has really kind of hangy earlobes. But he looks just like Ellen. True story. Who do you guys... Who chooses R. Kelly? Clap for R. Kelly. Who chooses Uncle Steve?

Wow. Wow. He's going to be real happy to hear that. Yeah, we should definitely let him know. Uncle Steve it is. They're going to murder us if we don't wrap this shit up. Alright, alright. That's it. Okay, thanks. One more question. What is it?

Guys, it's me. What's the question? Shut up. Thank you. Well, I had poop soup. So that goes without saying. What about this morning? What happened this morning when you woke up?

Alright, here's the thing. Tommy and I woke up intending to make marital relations. And then he ripped one. A huge... And I was like... If I could put that on your checklist, pal. And it was a bassy deep big one. Alright.

We love everybody. Thank you guys so much. Thank you everybody that's here. We love you. We'll be here. Come say hi. Yeah, come say hi.