Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Live from San Francisco-211-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 4, 2014

No need for a big description here - it's LIVE from San Francisco (Man Frandisco). Put on your old denim panties and enjoy this one (it's full of treats)! J-J-J-JEANS UNIT

Fart in your mouth. It's a FIFO song. How'd you know that? I remember this song. I like this. It's called FIFO's World. Yeah. Is this getting what he hears in his head all the time? Yes.

Yes. Aw. Well, check it out. It's Friday. We've got a great, amazing live show for you today. This was from Van Frank Disco. I can't wait for you guys to hear this. Real quick, I am in Virginia Beach right now,

so if you are in the Virginia Beach Norfolk area, the greater Norfolk area, please come see me at the Virginia Beach Funny Bone. Tonight, tomorrow, Sunday, it continues. I go to Appleton, Wisconsin next week, April 10, 11, 12, I believe. And then the jeans and I are pulling them up for my Smurf Day, my birthday, my born day, as Ghostface would say, April 16th in San Diego at the American Comedy Company.

We're doing our podcast live in San Diego. A few days later, we are April 19th at the Ice House in Pasadena in the great Stage 2 room there doing the podcast live. Again, please come out and see us if you're in any of these areas. The month continues. I go to Cleveland. Oh. I have a number of shows in the Cleveland area, Cleveland Improv.

I think my week there starts the 24th of April through the weekend. And then we go to Vancouver. And we do the podcast live April 30th, and the rest of the week, we're doing stand-up together at the Comedy Mix in Vancouver. Excited. A cute little hair sticking up. My headphones are. It's really cute.

Anything else, Jeans? Yeah. I'm going with you to Vancouver. That's true. June 6th, I'm doing a one night only stand-up comedy performance at the Fun House in Portland, Oregon. Yeah, June 6th Fun House, Portland, Oregon. I would love.

Are those tickets on sale? To see you guys there. I don't know yet. I have to double check. But just keep it on your calendar. I'll double check and make sure that's up. I'm sure it is on their calendar. Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh. It's not yet, and I'll let you know. Don't keep it in your minds and in your hearts, guys. It's happening. Yeah. There's that. And then also, oh, my website is all new. I don't know if I even mentioned that.

So I've added a lot of dates, and I mean a lot of dates. So please check it out, TomSegura.com, and enjoy yourself. You know what I'm saying? Follow us on Twitter at TomSegura at ChristinaP. Support the show, please, by clicking through our Amazon banner on our website, www.yourmomshousepodcast.com. We have put up new banners because we were bamboozled in the past.

Please use this brand new link when you do your Amazon shopping. Don't forget Easter's coming up. You can buy some Easter baskets for the kids in your life or for the adults. You know what I'm saying? We do know what you're saying. We do know what you're saying. Get ready for this episode. It's really fun.

All right, Jeans, anything you want to tell the moms listening about this Man for Indisco show before we play it? We give it up to them. I love Man for Indisco. I love going there. I think this show was really special because we saw some familiar faces from the last show, and that's like the most special thing when we see you guys the same faces,

because it means we're building a family and I just love. It's like performing with your friends. It's like having a show with your friends. It's a good time. So it was super fun seeing you guys and to all the new people that came. Thank you so much. And thanks for supporting us.

It grows and grows and grows and I just I love it. Yeah, it was awesome. The crowds, the audiences, the people in Man for Indisco are just it's a good time. It's so fun. You guys are such such a fun crowd to perform to. So we had a great time. We love you.

We love cobs and we'll definitely be back doing the show live up there again. Please enjoy live from San Francisco. I mean man friend disco. All right, you guys ready? All right. Do me a favor. Put your pants up. Pull them up high.

Welcome to the stage. Christina Pazinski and Tom. I'm showing glory. I don't like taking my pills. But I have found something that works. Australian drain. It's crazy. Crazy.

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Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. But the, Crazy. Crazy.

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Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. I'm showing glory. I don't like taking my pills, pills.

Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Hi guys. Thanks for coming out guys. How's everything sounding? What's up, man?

Can you guys hear us? Good, clearly. Okay. Thanks for coming out tonight. This is so exciting. Yes. Welcome to a very special live episode of... I'm Mom Mom.

Did you know... Okay, so today you guys, before I came here, I tweeted Chuck Woolery. Yes. And I was like, could you please come on the show? And there's been a lot of heat on him.

Yes. And the big announcement is that he hasn't responded yet. Not yet. It's been two hours and he hasn't tweeted in seven hours. Yes. I've looked at his,

he tweets about Obama and how much he hates him and stuff. So, we're thinking about... Totally normal. He's always going to be like, well, I'm very popular. What do you want?

Then, we're going to say we're an ultra right-wing show. Yeah. That is dying to be, like, better represented. And if he could jump on and tell our audience what's up.

And I think he'll be like, ah, yes, I'll be good for that. Do you think he's, is he too busy mourning the loss of Fred Phelps? Is that what's happening? Yes, it's a very sad...

Maybe Chuck Woolery's too upset. Yeah, I know. Guys, this is really... Applaud the death of a person. Absolutely. This is a really sad day. I think especially in the city of San Francisco, that Pastor Fred Phelps,

better known as the God hates fags guy. What a loving, caring man. That's a great, by the way, thing about somebody if they're like, who's Fred Phelps? You know the God hates fags guy? Like, now I know who that is.

Yes, now that registers. What a legacy to leave behind. That's your Wikipedia page. That's fucking amazing. And he... I liked it. One of his kids, it took him a while,

but was like, oh, yeah, I don't talk to my dad anymore. And they were like, why? And they were like, he's the God hates fags guy. I think you know why.

He's like, yeah, my dad's a really huge asshole. And they were like, how did you figure that out? I'm the one. I don't fucking know. He's his dad, which is so fantastic.

Which you should, you know, like Hitler's kids, if he had any. Yeah. You don't meet too many adults now. You know what I mean? No.

Like people don't go. But there was that, remember the German documentary? Yes, Hitler's Children. Did you guys hear that? Here's a clip from it. Wow.

Oh, that's the wrong thing. I'm sorry, that's the wrong thing. Here it is here. Yeah. Are you a fantasy? Huh? I want to breastfeed you.

Hear these fakeness. That's, Gerbil's nephew right there. Only the Germans. The Germans. Yeah. That, those,

some of them figured it out and then some of them didn't. Yeah. So there's this documentary called, Hitler's Children. It's just an uplifting, lighthearted,

Sunday kind of thing. It's fucked up, man. It's, only if you're in a dark place, go there. So like, it's basically all the descendants of like all these horrific Nazis

and they're like, I feel so bad. Like they, wouldn't you, like you would have the shame and the guilt just in you genetically. They do. Well, some of them,

but some of them are like, look, I know he's really bad, but like, it's dad, you know, he's my dad. He did some really things,

but I know him as the guy who made pudding that I love. Just so, like, do you think Fred Phelps at home was a loving, accepting person? Like, I don't-

Absolutely. He had to be a wonderful man. One of my favorite, just like, pull this out of air, like insanity, is that his, one of the,

the thing that they were most known for was picketing soldiers, funeral, like if you want to go to like, how fucking hate it could I be? I announced that I hate gays and the way that I profess it is go to dead soldiers' funerals

and then I announced that I'm celebrating the soldier's death because that's how God is telling us that he hates fags is because, is when soldiers die. Get it? Like, that's his Sunday sermon.

I didn't get the premise once you laid it out like that and now I get the deductive. Now you're like, well, sign me up. That's a good fucking explanation. Oh, that was really nice. Thank you.

How much would you love it if Fred gets to the pearly gates and God is like, guess what, man? It's gay heaven. Everybody's gay here. No, no, no. Gay heaven.

Heaven is stintin' beach and it's all, it's all naked gay dudes playing volleyball. Welcome to heaven. His heaven is just a fucking suck-pig feckin' heaven. Yeah, they're just banging against the rocks.

Have you been to stintin' beach? Is that the nude beach? I went there accidentally once in college. Do you know what I'm talking about, sir? Have you been there? Did anyone know what I'm talking about? Clap, if you know. Baker Beach.

Baker Beach, I'm sorry. It's Baker Beach. You don't even know your fucking dude beaches. Sorry, I thought I was stintin'. I went there in college accidentally and I was like, wait, what? Where are all the dudes naked?

And they like, they fully play volleyball naked and then they jump up and their donks flop. It's so fun. That's phenomenal. And I hope that is heaven for Fred Phelps. That's fantastic.

Me too. And they're like, you made it. This is the awesome place you live now, ever. Or he gets to heaven and God's like, you're right, dude.

God hates facts. We hate them. What? And then they high-five each other? No? Different scenario? I think it's better if like, heaven is like,

dude's just jerking off on his face. Welcome. Yeah, they're like, welcome there. Housekeeping. You told our housekeeper to turkey walk. Not really.

No, no, no. We got in early. It's the best thing ever. I fucking hate housekeeping. Everybody does. Yeah, but we especially do. They have the toughest jobs. We're in hotels every fucking,

and then they all, like, they, when you stay in enough hotels, you realize that like, a lot of them ignore the, like, do not just, like, and they're like, housekeeping,

you're like, do you not see? And they're like, yeah, I saw it. Would you need housekeeping? You're like, no, motherfucker, go away. No, it's okay. I don't need you. So we were getting into our room and she was knocking on the door,

next door. And she was like, housekeeping. And I was like, hey, housekeeper, come jack me off. And then... But like, you kind of mumbled it. It was like under his breath.

Yeah, she didn't hear me. Yeah, you didn't come over and jack my cock. I said jack my cock. I said jack my cock. Yeah. Which is funnier, than jerk me off.

Hey, housekeeping, come jack my cock. Come jack my cock. Yes. Do you think she understands? She understands jack my cock. No, she doesn't. She doesn't understand.

You don't. Remember that? Remember that Japanese waitress at the old place, where she didn't speak a lot of English and you would be with savings. She'd give us the bill

and you're like, oh, I'm so full. I just tore my intestinal lining. And she'd be like, okay. Like she didn't understand what he was saying. That's my favorite thing you do to foreign people

who don't speak English. You're like, all right, jack my cock later. And she's like, okay. Yeah. It's good to mock those that don't know better. Well, our parents are foreigners.

We can do that. Come on. Yeah, yeah. I can get away with that to my mother. You can say that. You can be like, Jack my cock mom.

Yeah, she'd be like, the what? Is that how you started that talent? I don't know. Probably to her sisters or something. I don't know. That was so funny, dude.

Yeah, I don't think my dad they did it to me. I remember going to Peru as a kid. They didn't know that I understood Spanish. I didn't speak it that well then. And so like her,

you know, her, my cousins and like their friends would be like, I don't want to play with dolls. And then they're like, oh, shit. Because they were trying

to fuck with me. So it was just retaliation. Trying to punk you out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, I live in America so much better than your fucking place. Yeah, because we have like

video games and shit. Yeah. Stupid foreigners. Yeah. I don't think my dad I don't think my dad or my mother, I don't,

who I don't speak to now, but I don't think he really grasps like anything that I say ever. You know, because of that language barrier, it's always kind of there. I'm not saying that he speaks English,

but I don't think he really understands, or is that everybody's parents? Even if they're Americans, they're like, huh, you're doing it. Language barrier. Contest.

My dad. Where can I watch the podcast? I'm like, oh boy. My dad, I talked to him yesterday and he goes, top dog. Top dog, yeah.

You're going to mail me one of your new CDs, buddy. And I go, there's no CD. Oh, I thought you had one. I go, no, but you can download it.

There's no hard copy. Where do I get it? And I go, iTunes. And he goes, how do you do that? Can I do it on my iPhone? I go,

yeah, you have a fucking, the company that makes iTunes makes your fucking phone. And then it's there. That's your dad who does that, huh? I go,

I go, here he goes, oh, how do I do it? Search my name, which by the way, is your fucking name. Right? Oh my God.

Yeah. Literally. Type in your name. Literally. And then a picture of your son will appear. Hit that, hit down.

He goes, that's it. I go, well, you got to type in your password. He goes, I don't know that. I go,

never. And I go, and then for the, I'm not kidding, the 12 fucking time. He goes, just.com. And there's a button

that says, sign up. Hit that. And he goes, I got to get your mother to do that. And I'm like, dude,

and then he'll ask me tomorrow. He'll be like, how do I get Netflix again? Right. It's fucking killing me. Where do I buy that? Do you want to fucking just stab me in the throat?

Do you want to punch him? Yeah. Like dad. Do you know what, my dad uses the internet, like my dad knows iTunes and stuff, but do you want to know

the only reason why? Because he gets laid on the internet. That's the thing. Because he talks to bitches in the Philippines and what like, he knows how to Skype

because Skype gets you laid. Dude, her dad is such an OG Mac. It's so ridiculous. Yeah. Yeah, because that's the only reason he knows,

like internet shit. Yeah, Pussy is a great incentive. Yeah, for everything. Yeah. Pussy's what built the Earth. Yeah,

yeah. That's what built the world. Technology. You think fucking Bill Gates did anything if he was getting laid? No, no, no. He was a great man,

the great white European men. He did everything they did. The thinkers. Just them, none of the other races? Nope, nobody else. Sorry,

Asians and blacks. You don't have it. No, no, no, you guys, come on, let's be real, no. No one fucking,

yeah, no, yeah, why do you think they run so fast? For sure. I get you. That's where you're going,

right? No, I was thinking about philosophy nerds. Yeah, yeah. That's nice. Nerds.

So why don't they rename philosophy courses like stuff white guys said? That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Should no one cares about white guys say stuff? I don't understand

how you took philosophy courses. I read your friends, I read a page of your friends philosophy. He's a PhD, yeah. I was like, alright dude,

that's pretty cool. That's a whole other level though. I was, yeah, I wasn't there. It does, like if you feel like you're moderately intelligent

like an advanced philosophy book, you're like, I am a fucking idiot. Like it's that, I didn't understand any of that shit. Of course. None.

But it's good to be back here in SF. It's the best. We love it here. You guys are the best city ever. Should we start the show? Yeah, we don't have our official,

alright, here's our official. That was the star of the show. Alright. Here's our, you're welcome. Is that a nice pillow for your home?

To do an official show open? Ready? There we go. I love you. Colin, ambulance, please. Okay, hold on.

Where does it hurt? Ah, my stomach, um, ah, it hurts. Ah, it hurts,

but it hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I have a bad case of diarrhea. I have a bad case of diarrhea. I have a bad case of diarrhea. This shit is big time.

Who is Ramsey? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura, Don Sutsu, Christina Positsi,

Christina Positsi. Welcome to your mom's house. What? Don't, don't. What? What? Don't.

Work it out. Work it out. It's such a ridiculous. Yeah. It's so stupid. It was made very early in the podcast. A guy did it. Ryan Matchmade that, right?

Yeah, the match man, yeah. Before we even knew what the show was going to become, really. But the best part was sending him, like he was like, yeah, I can make an open for you. I was like, have this dude say this shit is big time.

Have another dude say, who is Randy? Mr. T. And then don't bring anyone's mother into this. And then have another guy say, your mom is in the fucking stands. And he was like, okay.

Mental illness. Yeah. I was going to say, I love San Francisco. I forgot about the local flavors that you just see. Like we went to go have coffee and a lovely croissant. And we were waiting outside Theo and I

and just a guy in a leather vest, just a nice leather vest. High, high, super tight jeans. Big fan of the show. He's here. Big fan. Just tight leather belts, leather hat,

just a normal kind of guy. You know, it comes up and just starts talking to you like, oh, they have chairs out here. And you're like, uh huh. Please don't talk to me. And you forget that that happens in San Francisco,

right? Like just the weird, the weird beer. No, they didn't forget. You guys live the dream all the time. They're like, you mean Carl? Yeah, I know that guy. The guy,

there was a guy that used to ride a unicycle down on Hates Street ten years ago, just in a pink, pink monotard, just his face cut out. Is that guy still around? Dead? Okay. And then,

and then I went, Theo took a shit and we had the bag of shit. And then there's like, seven different trash cans to choose from. And you're like, That's unique to your city, by the way. San Francisco, like, I don't know which one's politically correct,

but which one's the appropriate trash level? I don't know. I sensed, I felt like if you had put it in the wrong one, like a cat lady with a lot of scarves, would have come out and be like, Miss, they'll find you for that.

That's totally, yes, that is a lady type, the elder, crazy hair. Did you put that in the blue bin? Multiple scarves. Yeah, I don't live here.

Yeah, clearly you don't live here. Sandals. You fucking animal. Go back to Nebraska. Sandals and socks. Total craziness. Yeah. Yeah, it's fun.

The crazy's exciting. It's so much fun. Yeah, this is exciting. That's what's exciting about New York. Certain parts of LA, certain parts of Miami, where you're like, fucking crazy's a good time to be around.

Yeah. Yeah, Miami's different, crazy though. That's like, gold chain. Yeah, it's your fucking flavor of crazy. That is the best kind. Oh, I love that.

We didn't even talk about the opening clip of... Oh, of Rhea? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Speaking of shit, I took a shit on the plane, on the way here. Yes.

Which is hard to do. I don't know if you've ever, dad, you shit on a plane before? Really? And all your... You can't? You can't.

Because it's the pressure's on. It's so much pressure. I agree. It's a fine dance that you do. You have to relax and be zen, and at the same time, have a level of awareness and hurriedness.

It's very difficult. Give me that hole. Come on. Give me that hole. I thought that was appropriate for taking a shit. I'm sorry. Give me that hole.

Now, you take plane dumps frequently. No, I do not take plane dumps frequently. I hate shitting on a plane. That's the worst. Yeah. And a lot of times I tell myself, I'll be like, I got to take a shit.

And then I'll be like, I'm just going to hold it for three more hours. And then... Which you do a lot. Sometimes I do. And then sometimes 15 minutes later, I'm like,

I guess I'm not going to hold it for a few more hours. I absolutely hate it. I hate it. I hate going. I'm too big for a fucking plane bathroom. My knees are hitting the door. When I go to wipe my shoulders,

they probably think I'm trying to wrestle something in there. I know. And it always smells like the other person's dump before you. Like some pig woman. Oh, it's a total older cat lady, San Francisco lady.

That woman that we saw with the gray hair and the crazy stuff. She had just taken a shit. And of course I would. And she's probably vegan, so it smelled all, you know, vegan-y. Yeah.

You know, because meat dumps smell different. I know what those smell like. I'm not going to argue that meat dumps are better, though. But now we're not making a value judgment. No. Well, you don't want to sit in someone's fucking

stranger's stink. That's the weirdest part. It's bad enough I have to sit in your stink and shit, and then to, you know. Pork is really bad. Yeah. We had Airy Schaefer over

to the house the other day. I thought he requested ribs. I was like, I made ribs like you wanted. He was like, I didn't ask for ribs. And I was like, well, maybe I'm just fat and I just made ribs.

But I made those ribs. And fuck, that is a horrendous thing to go through your body. Really? I think it's the sweet sauce, the barbecue sauce. I think it's the pig fat. Yeah.

That too. Yeah. It's really did a lot of damage. Like a meat, like, you know, when you eat fast food, like if you stay away from it and then you have it like on a neck like one,

as soon as like it starts going through your guts, you're like, that's not good for the body. You smell it and you're like, whoa. It's intense. What's crazy is you can smell fast food in a fart. Yeah.

Like McDonald's. Yeah. You can be like, I mean, like, would you have McDonald's? Like, how do you know that? Well, it's in your fart. That's how I know it.

They smell like the fries. The fart smell like the fries. That should be at their commercial. Bro. McDonald's. Our fries will smell like your fart. I don't know. Your farts will smell like our fries.

But have you ever left, dude, have you ever left a bag of McDonald's in your car? And then, yeah. And then you come back and smell it and you're like, this smells like a fart. Yeah. It does. It smells like shit.

Yeah. And then you're like, I guess I'll still eat it. Of course. So bad for you. You'll find that. Well, that clip was a Japanese lesson for how to say,

I have diarrhea in Japanese. I have a bad case of diarrhea. Bad case. I didn't know there was a mild case you wanted to talk about. But yes. That's true. Then they get into the song.

Yeah. They get into the diarrhea song. You heard the song? Where is it? Oh, this is much longer. I don't have a bad case of diarrhea. But yeah. They make a song about it.

So it's clearly playful. Yeah. I think that's a good way to learn. It's real though. Phrases and expressions is like, Hey. His head's resting on the desk. Oh, yeah.

As if it's a pillow. Come on. Take my picture, bitch. It's so fucking cute. Throw up on you. I love you. Diarrhea though. Such a mean fucking dog.

He's always the worst, isn't he? Yeah. I was thinking about diarrhea and I've come to the conclusion that A bad case of diarrhea. Here it is, yeah. I have a bad case of diarrhea. I have a bad case of diarrhea.

I have a bad case of diarrhea. I have a bad case of diarrhea. I have a bad case of diarrhea. I have a bad case of diarrhea. I have a bad case of diarrhea. I have a bad case of diarrhea. If that's really got to be an issue, if they're like, look, this is the one

thing we've been struggling with. Better make a song about this motherfucker or other. Do you think it's because the Japanese have shame? Is it a shame culture? Is that why they have to make it into a cute song?

They have to hello kitty-ify it, maybe? If they make it cuter, the women can say it. I have a bad case of diarrhea. That's not a bad thing. Because in that culture, you just can't come out and be like,

I got to dig a shit. In Japanese culture, I don't think they're cool like that. They don't want to offend anybody. So you have to make it cute. She said it. So racist today, yeah. No, because I was in Korea,

which is not Japan. I'm aware of that. I love that that went to... because I was in Korea. It's Asian-y, okay? Asian-y. Jesus. I'm so afraid my teeth are going to

pop off. And I was in Korea, and they're like, women don't drink in public. It's rude. And women don't laugh out loud in South Korea. It's considered really just in play.

And I was like, I'm a fucking donkey. Yeah, like the whole time, I'm like, I'm such an asshole. So I think they're mainly telling me, like, stop being yourself, because it's bad. But I imagine that, you know, across the board,

they have to be somewhat similar. The Japanese are... I mean, I don't know. That's my theory. I'm not going to add to that by being like, yeah, you're right, because I don't know. But I do remember

when we went to Korea and Barbecue, and the Dodger game was on, and the picture was Korean. I put a video up of it on my YouTube page. There was a Korean picture for the Dodgers. I don't fucking know who it is. But every pitch he threw,

this Korean barbecue restaurant would go fucking bananas. Like they would go crazy, pour another shot, do a fucking dance. I was like, this is crazy. And I have like a little video of it. Then the guy came over,

he was like a Korean guy who didn't speak good English, and he was like, you know, sorry, we're making so much noise, basically. I was like, I don't give a shit. And then he wanted to buy us a drink, or buy me a drink. Oh, I remember this.

So he bought a bottle of beer, a fresh one, he opened it, and he put a glass in front of me and a glass in front of him, and he was like, and then I go, what about her? And he goes, oh, oh, oh, like, you're going to let her fucking drink?

Right. This other thing here? Yeah. And then he like pointed to his friends. He was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. He was like, this one, he was like, this fucking loser

lets his woman drink, and then What's next? You're going to let her read? Drive? Come on. So then we got her a drink, and he was like,

let's watch her a drink. Yeah. And they thought I was super loose. I think the, I think the subject said You brought your whore to dinner? Yeah. That's nice.

Yeah. Like, I was just going to suck everybody's dick after I had that beer. I was like, I'm ready now. Awesome if she did that. If that picture had thrown a strike, and then she was like, I'm going to have to reindex.

And then you Home run. But, but yeah, I imagine the Japanese because the women, you have to cover your mouth. I know that you,

you don't give big donkey laughs. Right. Yes. It's more, I have about the quesadilla. I like Japanese men grunting. Like when guys, Yeah, they do a lot.

I know a guy, a Japanese who was like, he says what he, he'd be like, I know what you mean. Oh, I like that too. Yeah. That's neat.

Are you clearing your throat? No. Mr. Miyagi, Mr. Miyagi did a lot of but he wasn't Japanese. He's not Japanese. No. He's dead now.

He is dead. He's not Japanese. And the best part is that America didn't care. They were just like, No, he's Japanese. Yeah. No, he's Japanese.

That's like, he looks like what they look like. What's a big fucking problem? I so racist. And remember, like Lou Diamond Phillips plays Richie Valens in La Bamba. He's the most Mexican.

Yeah. And he, he's not Mexican at all, which is so fucking offensive. Yeah. Like fucking, But you know, we couldn't find a Mexican actor.

Right. That's show business's response to that. Like, I, and I imagine this happens because I, I'm only aware of it more, obviously for certain things,

but like, we were watching that show. It got canceled and lightened. Yeah. And they had a character. It's a great show. For one episode, was a Mexican lady

who was going to be deported back to Mexico's. And there was, you know, the actress. And they were like, interviewing her. And she was like,

yo, no, hero, uh, uh, ear, uh, Mexico.

I was like, this is the fucking best Spanish speaking person you could find for this role. In Los Angeles. Yeah. In LA. Which is more than 50% Hispanic now.

Like, that's the actress we wanted. You, to play the Mexican part that doesn't speak English. Yeah. So racist. Cause she stumbled through,

yo. And they're like, yeah, yeah, that's the thing is that she doesn't speak English. No, no,

no, she doesn't speak Spanish, the part. She doesn't play the part well. And I guess that happens. Probably like, I can't imagine like that's a more known language.

I'm sure it makes people crazy. Like if you speak Russian and they're like, this is a Russian character. It's dumb. I mean, in the hunt for right October, just speaks with his

Scottish accent the whole time. We, or why do they, they always make it an English accent. Like if they're in France, they, that's like the default

foreign accent for American movies. Like, you guys can't do the French. Oh right. Fuck it. I, I speak with an English accent.

Just stick with that. Close enough. Also, whenever I hear Hungarian in movies, I'm like, oh, it's bad.

Like Kaiser Sosa and the usual suspect, Sosa. Sosa. Yeah. Whatever. How are you supposed to say it? How do you spell it?

I don't fucking know. I forget. I have to see how it's written because I don't know. That's your, I thought it would bother you. There's a part where he's in the hospital

and they're talking Hungarian and I'm like, that fucking sucked. Yeah. It's fucking, it's just lazy. Yeah. It's kind of lazy.

Anyways, diarrhea. What's the worst case of diarrhea you've had? Remember the one, well, a few weeks ago I had a shot of juice.

That gave it to me. I think the worst one of my life. We're looking back fondly. There's a lot guys. Definitely from traveling abroad. I've had my fair share. There was the time when I was in Peru where my cousins

thought it was funny to, there was a, they give you like a little mountain, like shaped mountain of rice and they lifted it up and emptied a jar of salt and then covered it. And I ate like a bite of just salt,

like this much salt. And then that made me very sick. And then there was a time I got lobster at Outback Steakhouse. That was not in Peru. You're not saying it right. That was in, how do you say it?

Outback Steakhouse. Sorry, May. Just like they do. Yeah. So stupid. When I go there, I go, I'll have a Fosters, please. Yeah.

Because Australian food is just American food. Like it's the same shit, except they fry stuff there. It's snow, but it's on the barbie, May. Only they like barbecue. Right. So funny. With an accent, Mike.

And that's stupid. Wow, wow, wow. And the commercials. The commercials are like, go to the Outback Steakhouse. Is that a didgeridoo? Uh-huh. I had,

I've heard those in Golden Gate Park. That's where hippies played. Didgeridoo? Have you ever seen that? That's a huge SF thing too. Like people play didgeridoos in public. Yeah. Like hippies, like stoners.

And hacky sack was huge too at USF on campus. You're like, fuck off. You and your fucking hacky sack circle. You piece of shit. You fucking patchouli wearing piece of shit. Go to class. Get a job, hippie. Right, Dad?

Yeah. Patchouli oil is the fucking worst. Horrific. I would rather drink fucking ten homeless guys come than have patchouli oil in my... Guys. Ten.

Ten. Eight. Eight guys. Eight homeless dudes come. That's not weird. Yeah. Patchouli just makes me... Then just have to,

I choose that over as sniffing patchouli oil. Doesn't, it just makes you think of like dirty, dirty box. Yeah. Patchouli. Doesn't, it's just the smell of dirty pussies. It's not how to eat it. Yeah. Or it's also what it writes,

patchouli oil reminds me of the dude, of a dude who's full of shit. If I smell patchouli oil on a dude, I'm like, this guy has some bullshit he's about to tell me right now. Yeah. So they take your... I really like your leather bands

and your fucking feather in your hair, sir. What shit are you going to sell me right now? Well, anarchy is a better fucking system, bro. Like, capitalism is a... So here's how they make patchouli oil. They take ten dirty vaginas and they squeeze them. They squeeze them? They squeeze them.

And then they find eleven guys with thumb rings. They put them in their vaginas? Who teach yoga? Like that guy, you were just saying. Yeah, like fucking bro, bro. Yeah, they bro you to death. You take those guys and then... That's how you make patchouli oil.

Wait, what else goes in there? Well, do they stomp their vaginas? Like they're making wine? So like... Maybe the thumb ring guys, they use their dirty yoga feet and they stomp. And then the leather vest guy comes around and then he revs his armpit.

Yeah. And then they're like, here's some patchouli oil. Enjoy yourself. Welcome to San Francisco. No, here's the thing about... Wait, when was your fucking worst diarrhea? I mean, shit, how much time do you have? You know what, I will say,

because I got diarrhea a lot the first two years you do the road as a comedian. I mean, you just get diarrhea. I had diarrhea every week, remember? I'd be like, I'll fucking road ass again. Day two in any town, no matter where you are, just because you're eating foreign bacteria. You know, eat a fucking plate of fries, the chef cooks,

he wipes his ass, he touches it, whatever. You don't know. Jesus, not here. Not here at Cobb's Comedy Club and Restaurant, no. Talk about the Midwest, you guys. Clearly. Places that don't count, all right? Not California.

We're valued, all right? I think the worst diarrhea, if we're going to go Greek on it, I think... Okay. That's Greek for diarrhea. I'm trying to teach history now. All right. It's Carla, 24-7.

24-7. I would say the worst diarrhea of my life, I was 22 years old and I was in Veracruz, Mexico, and I was specifically instructed not to drink margaritas with ice, and I was like, I don't give a fuck about that rule. And I was young and drunk. Yeah, and it was that part of Mexico where they trick tourists constantly, where the guy comes around with the battery pack

and then the two metal prongs, and he's like, you want me to shock you and your friends? And you're like, no. Wait, what? You never did that? No, what are you talking about? It's how they trick white tourists, yeah, they're like... They want me to give you, like, tase you right now?

Yes, it's like a fun trick where you're loaded and the guy comes around with a metal rod. A cattle prod? No, no, no, he doesn't put it in your butt. I didn't have to be in your butt. Is that what cattle prods are? No. Oh, I thought they put them up cow's butts.

Why? Isn't that what cattle prods are for? No. Shut the fuck up. You thought cattle prods are only for an anal fucking experience? Yeah. 37 years. Yeah.

Did you think they're just trying to make cows come? It's part of the Folsom Street Fair. No, I don't know. I thought, um... If they had that cattle prod booth, you put your wiener in the hole and some guy puts a cattle prod. No, baby. I thought that was how they hurt animals or something.

I don't know. What's it for? Here's a cow right here. No, it's... A cattle prod is like... You're trying to basically direct the animal to go in a direction it doesn't want to go in. Does it hurt them?

Yeah, it hurts. But it's not anal. Oh. You could do it in their size. My friend lied to me. You got to put it in his ass or it's not going to work, man. No, it's not like that. Fucking...

Dude, Jenny Pentland told me that since we were 12 years old. Jenny Pentland told me misinformation, man. That's major. They're not pegging cows. It's like... Pegging. Thanks, Jenny. The point of the story is in Mexico,

the guy walks around with a pack. Have you guys seen this shit? And then they walk around with two prongs. And then they dairy you. Like, hey, show me your real man. Show me your strength. Yeah. And then you grab onto one.

Your friend gets on the other one. And you kind of... The current, right? Like, it's... It conducts electricity. Is it hurt? Of course it fucking hurts. It's electricity.

Yeah. How much electricity is it? It's... I'd never tried it myself. I was watching like Theo Vaughn do it. Because it was like a road rules thing. And I was like, fuck Theo Vaughn. I'm stupid he is.

And then I... It hurts, I guess. But you're drunk. Does it hurt, man? Have you done it? Does it hurt? Okay, so you're like, oh my god. It's like when you touch a knob and you get this shit like that.

Okay, okay. But they put it in your asshole, right? That's how it works. And then, yeah, you give it a lick and then you get diarrhea. And you're like, does it have to? And they're like, it's the only way it works. It has to be in your ass. That's what they told me.

So, yeah, so then I was there. And then I drank the margarita and just fucking dude. Like three weeks of shitting. You know when you're just like, you're praying. And when you take Mexican dumps, like when you're in another country, they often don't air condition those bathrooms. You know what I'm saying?

So it's like 140 and you're in there like sweating and rocking. And like, I'll never... And then like, you can't put the toilet paper in the toilet. That's my favorite. That's the fucking worst. And like third world dumps, you're like, I gotta put this shitty paper in the bin next to me because their plumbing can't handle it.

Like, oh dude, just get me home. My friend, American friend, is married to a Mexican girl. And when her family, they came and visited for like a month, he ended up putting, printing up signs in his bathroom that said, like, stop putting your shit paper in the trash can. Because they were, they kept doing it. He was like, no, put it in the toilet.

And they're like, no, it will not do, it will not go. You can do that. No, no, no, no, no, no. Aw, you're so cute. Pero no se puede, no, no, no, no. I started using your OneWipe Charlies. Fuck, those are amazing. They're like breath mints in your butthole.

They do. Like when you have a mint and you feel like that, that cool, it's infused with that. But this one is like peppermint and your ass is like, nice job, bro. You feel intensely clean after this stuff. It's amazing. Yeah, it's like somebody is chewing gum, like mint gum,

and then they licked your butthole clean for you. That's another way of putting it. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty nice. I'm afraid it's going to fuck up our plumbing, because we've already had the, I can, the slow. Babe, we live in the United States. It's not going to fuck up our plumbing.

Of course it will. Who cares? We rent, not my problem. That is the best part of renting. Yeah, have a landlord. Dude, I almost, you know that I almost called him, and I swear to God, this is how bad I am. We have a glass sliding shower door,

and it's on a track, and it came off the track, and I was like, I'm not going to fuck with that. I'll just give him a call, and like, to have him go like... I really had a thing, and then she was like, oh yeah, I noticed it just came off the track, and I was like, I didn't even go that far. I just, and I saw that it didn't close.

It's going to give him a call. And he comes quick. I've called him for shit like that. I really have. He's so funny, dude. I go, this light won't turn on. He was like, do you try to switch over there? I was like, no, I didn't try to switch over there.

Nah. And he talks like a total bro. He's such a bro. He's like, hey bro, I was getting fucking wasted yesterday. Dude, because you know, like, I got a couple fucking DUIs, but like... Like the one, I wasn't even that fucked up. And I'm like, that's a good defense for that, yeah.

And the other one, I was like, man... That's all he's talking about. You know? Those are good stories, yeah. Yeah, it's great because every time he comes over, we learn more and more about his checkered past. You know, when you start to break that barrier down with landlords, coworkers, and eventually...

I liked it. I learned that he doesn't like a mouthy broad either. Yeah, yeah. No, he doesn't like my type at all. No, no. He's like, you gotta like a lot of opinions. You like that, Tom? But I'm real nice to him, and I offer him beer.

He drinks our beer, you know. He's a fucking Luke Holler, like cool dude. Yeah, he leaves it. Vicks and stuff. But he's like, oh, your kitchen's kind of messy, huh? Shit, my wife wouldn't let it get like this. Yeah. Let it all off.

I know, right? And I was like, yeah, fucking my wife does. Talk to her. You know, I guess your wife doesn't fucking work the chuckle hut in Iowa this week, so... You know what I'm saying? I got a J-O-B. I can't be doing that.

Yeah, I think she stays home. She stays home, yeah. If I stayed home, I'd clean everything. Yeah, right. I still wouldn't fucking clean. Yeah. Dude, are you going to clip my toenails or what? Fuck.

I've been asking her for like fucking five days, and like just fucking clip them for me. Literally now, it's been, yeah, a week. They're so fucked up. I wish you could show this show. No, they're not. They're not. Dude.

They're like three inches long. It's not bad. Hobbit feet. He's like an old person when they go to the doctor, and he's cut by the doctor. Dude, it's so the white part, like he actually has like a nice long white part. It's not.

On the toenail. And all I said was, could you clip it or bite them for me? We're married. Like, step this shit up. So gross, huh, lady? Would you cut his toenails? Fuck no. And it's...

Yeah, what? What are you going to say? Are you Japanese? Okay, I was going to say, we should have asked you about the diarrhea. Stop doing this. What? Why would you do that to you?

You cover your mouth like a nice Japanese girl, though. Why would your mother do that? Wait, where's your mom from? China. Oh. Yeah. That's what I thought. That explains it.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. That explains it. Chinese and their toenail clippings.

Did she only cut them at night? I have an Indian stepfather, and he would only cut his toenails, I believe. I'm sorry? No, he wouldn't cut them after sundown. And if he did, it's true, it's an Indian culture, because if you leave your toenail clippings around, the belief is that somebody could take those

and make spells or bad juju against you. Are you fucking serious right now? No, it's true. Yes, it's true. In his culture, in Indian culture, they... So he would burn them. He would throw them in the fireplace. He would cut them at the dinner table,

because that's what he... And he would pick his toes. Yeah. We saw... You guys want his number? You want to call him? We saw a single Indian man at the airport at JFK foot rubbing himself extensively.

Extensively. Extensively. Like giving himself an intense foot rub. Foot massage. Alone. And then she said that about her stepdad, and then another friend, who's Indian, told me that he does that for his mother.

Whenever he sees her, the part of their ritual is that he rubs her feet. Indian too, yeah. I was like, what? Yeah, I always rub her feet. Your mother. Yeah. I'm like, do you jerk off while you do it?

Yeah. That's... Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what that is. But I kind of get it. It's like your essence. You don't want to leave parts of you around. Wait, which part are we talking about?

The toenail clipping thing. Oh. For... I don't know. You know, it's juju. It's part of you. You don't want to fucking just leave it. No, I don't mind leaving it.

You like to clip your toenails and leave them everywhere on the carpet so that I step into a nice, jagged, painful, bloody thing. But that's kind of like me not being there and leaving you a note. You know what I mean? Like...

It's like, hey, I'm thinking about you right now. Where... Oh, my God. Do you remember what Burt used to do with his? Holy shit. I think he'd feel okay with us sharing. Ooh, I don't mind, yeah. You're going to die

when you hear what Burt Christchurch has to say. He would clip his nails, his toenails, and then tape them to the underside of the coffee table. Yeah. So he would lay out the tape, like, sticky side up, put the toenail clippings, clippings on it, and then tape it under the coffee table.

I don't know if he does it in the new place, but we go over to his old house and be like, um... He said it just really sexually aroused him. I don't know. And then Leanne loves it. Yeah, he's a serial killer. For sure, serial killer.

You guys buy my book. Keska's saying... You should buy his book, though, if he can write. I honestly, I was like, I didn't know you could read. Me neither. Let alone write.

The funny thing is we were kind of having fun on Twitter with that. Me to him about his book, and him to me about my special and the album. And then certain fans of either of us would take it totally seriously. And they'd be like, fuck you, Bert.

I'm not buying your piece of shit book. Fuck... And then to me, they'd be like, who the fuck are you anyways? I'm not buying your stupid fucking album. I'm buying about eight copies of your book today, Bert, just a fuck Tom. I'm like, what are you talking about?

There's so much mental illness in the world. Yeah. So fucking crazy, dude. Internet is insane. Would you cut my toenails? Um... I don't know. I mean, you have all those growths,

like you have all those warts. I guess I would cut it if you were... Paralyzed. Sick. Yeah. I love you so much more than you love me. What? I swear to God.

Why would you say that? I adore you. I adore you, too. Today I love you far more than you love me. Today? Yeah. I pulled your fucking bag out of the overhead and carried it so that you could just carry the dog.

That's sweet of you. That's the most loving things I've ever done. I love you. I have to tell you guys, I'm very nervous. I have two... Wait, play the music. The... Oh, I don't fucking know.

Jesus. I don't want to... Through the... I mean, I don't... It's major. It's so major, you guys. Freaking news. This is a golf war one music if you didn't know that.

You guys, I'm really nervous today because I had my real teeth filed down into tiny, jagged little... Little... I don't know what you call it. Nubbins. Nubbins. Yeah.

And the dentist kind of didn't warn me that that was happening that day. I was like, oh, I'm just going to get fitted for veneers, right? Like no hour of drilling. So I've got this temporary chunky shit here. And he's like... Your big Steve Harvey teeth? Big Steve Harvey teeth.

Do you know that I saw a picture of him? Welcome to Family Feud. Can I tell you that I saw that old ass headshot of Steve Harvey? Yeah. He still had big teeth before veneers, dude. Here's the thing, Steve Harvey had Steve Harvey teeth before he was Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey...

You know that he has his book? This is the best fucking thing. Sickler, who's one of my dearest friends. We... Yeah. Fuck the crap, please. They... I sent him a picture of Steve Harvey

book when it was in the airport. The book is, Think Like A Man, it became a movie. And I go, here's Steve Harvey's new book. And Sickler wrote back, is it called Lead With Your Teeth? Cause even in the book cover, he's like... Well, yeah, Steve Harvey's got an amazing career, by the way.

Yeah, no, oh my god. I mean, Jesus Christ. He's really stacking checks, that guy. Crazy. He even has a fucking suit collector. Yeah, he's killing it. But I got these big old Steve Harvey temps on right now. And my dentist was like,

do not leave Los Angeles until you get your veneers. Cause like, these can pop off any minute. And I'm like, oh, I didn't want to tell him that I'm coming here. Literally, he's like, he's like, yeah, I can't glue him on, cause I can't rip him off in a week to put your veneers on. And I was like, oh, I'm okay. Gave me like an emergency pager number or a cell number in case.

I'm like, fuck me, dude. Like, that's all I need to come up here. And she want to fucking fry. And like, they come popping out. I've been so nervous that they're going to fall out before this. You know, then I have to do the show toothless today. I was like, oh, I did. It would be the most amazing thing.

How affected would you be? They look horrendous. Holy shit. I took a picture of myself in the bathroom. Yo, because they're just, they're filed down and they're all brown and old and jagged. They filed them down. Oh my God.

It's horrific. Yeah. But the funny thing is, I remember you asking about this procedure. And they were like, yeah, these days, like the technology is so advanced that we don't have to file them down. Like you just get the veneer over your real tooth. And then she came back and I go, what about the, they're like, well, they just filed them down.

The exact opposite thing of what they said is just what they did. Yeah, pretty much. Because he's like, no, it's just like a thin, thin layer. It goes over your real teeth. I'm like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm in too deep already. It's like, we're just going to go forward.

The train's left, dude. Yeah. Anything's better than what I had before. I had those, I had really bad bondings. Which ones? The ones you just got out of? Yeah, those are bad too. Oh, the ones before that.

No, no, the ones before that I had for like 10 years. Those were not terrible. Those are yellow and... No, they weren't. What are you talking about? They look like chicklets. They were very ugly. No, the ones that you just got out of look like fucking billboards.

Billboards, yeah. I can tell you now that you got them replaced. They look ridiculous. I had them for like three months. They were super white. They were too white. Yeah. Yeah, they didn't match my teeth.

Yeah, yeah. It's horrific. Anyways, don't knock your teeth out, kids. So this is speaking of Asians. We got... I'm sorry. I'm going to guess this guy's Filipino. I don't know.

He's so racist. I can't see the guy. But the guy is filming his dogs walking around. Look at that. He's crazy. What are you doing? Oh, I think he's stuck. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I think he's stuck. His pig... His one dog is stuck inside the other dog. Okay. He's stuck in the mud. Oh, no.

Butta, are you hurting? Butta is the name of one of his dogs. Butta. So he's saying his peepee is stuck in butter. He's talking about the dog. His peepee is stuck in butter. Oh, no. That accent is fucking amazing.

Is that Filipino? That's Korean? Korean? What's the voting? Clap if you hear Filipino. Clap if you hear Filipino. I have strong Filipino. Clap if you hear Korean.

Let's hear the Korean. Well, it looks like it's Filipino. No. Vietnamese? You're jumping all over the fucking southeast. Asian lady. What do you... What's your vote?

You can't tell Asians apart. That's the best shit I've heard all day. Are there any Asians in here? Wait, can you tell Chinese people? You can't tell? 17. You got to work on that. Maybe it's your vision because of...

I'm sorry. No, I'm saying like maybe you need glasses. I'm so rude. Jesus Christ, that's not what I meant. I'm saying maybe you need glasses. This podcast is changing a lot. Oh, no. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Is this not Filipino for real? His peepee is stuck in butter. Oh, no. I'm going to guess Filipino. His peepee is stuck in butter. Oh, no. Oh, no.

I don't know if he... These dogs are literally locked in. Yeah, so is he. Like the one where they can't get away and he just feels so badly for butter. What the hell? Oh, no. Stop together.

Butter like you jackass. I hate it when you do this. Stop together. Ask to ask. Oh, butter. Lazy like I don't know who you're talking about. Butter's like you jerk. I hate you.

Butter's like you jerk. I hate you. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. I love his. Oh, no. Oh, no.

You know what I think it is Filipino because I hear Joe Coy doing the accent, you know, like mocking it. And that's what it sounds like when he mocks his mom, I think. I could. Yeah. Joseph.

You do not see the guy. You just see his dog stuck in the other dog. That's all you see. Yeah, butt to butt. What happens to a dog's painter when it goes into another dog that it does? Dogs have very curly penises.

No, it's pigs. No, no, no. It's dogs. I've jerked him off. It's dogs. Take a look. Give it a lick. I'm sorry.

It's wells. Look at that. It's wells. Really? What size? What kind of tips are we talking about here? Really? Wow.

It's dangerous. Oh. Until the blood leaves the painter, I'm guessing. Oh, shit. Okay. That's why you got it. You just got to let him wrap it up. You always got to let him wrap it up, ladies.

All right. Or guys. Don't listen to that. Or dudes. Yeah, dudes. Fucking dudes, too. Dudes, dudes. Fucking dudes.

Fucking dudes. Fucking. Where the dudes at? Where the dudes at? They're here. They're in San Francisco for sure. Dudes. Fucking dudes, bros.

Where are the dudes at? Where are the dudes at? You know what's funny we've been talking about lately? What? We watched House of Cards. We really got into that. Yeah. It's so good, huh?

Oh, my God. And so Tommy is really into robbing right now. Oh, I fucking want a boobie. Wait. How do I talk again? Oh, no. I talk like the Filipino guy? Oh, no.

I want to. Oh, right. I would stick my pee-pee stuck in your butt. Oh, no. I would stick my pee-pee in Robin Wright's butt. But we talked about this. The problem with Robin Wright is that she would expect you... You do to sniff her butthole?

Yes. Yeah. As a greeting. It's not a problem. You said problem. Well... If she was like, nice to meet you, sniff my butthole. How are you like?

Hi, I'm Robin Wright. I enjoy your work. This is how she greets you. Hi, I'm... And she's all squinty, you know, like she's... She does do like a kind of a fake... I'm Robin Wright. Like a modeling squint.

And when I meet people, the first thing I do is demand that they sniff my butt. There's a certain... She's such a nice white lady. We feel like there's a certain type of person that they have a quality. It's like... It's a specific type of elitist thing where I think that what they do is they request that you sniff their butt. If you were to be sexually active with them is the point.

Like if you were to hook up with her, she would demand it, right? I think she would do it upon just not even sexually. I think like if you like walked into a room... Yes, let's do this. Act it out. I think she would be like... Like if you're like, I'd be like, oh, hey, I like House of Cards. She'd be like, oh, that's nice.

Like drop her skirt and then I'd be like, what? She goes, you know, I go, oh. Yeah, doesn't smell like patchouli. It smells really nice. That's what I think. But Robin Wright doesn't look like she smells bad at all. Yeah, she doesn't even eat. She looks like she smells amazing.

Yeah. Yeah. But I feel like other celebrities like Jennifer Aniston would make you sniff her butt too. You think so? Yeah. She seems a little like bitchy. Like to put you down like a demeaning thing. Yeah.

Like, hey, you know, really like friends. I sniff my butthole. Yeah. Angelina Jolie wouldn't. I don't think she would. Why do you think she would not? She's more down to earth. She keeps it real.

Like you go to do it. She's like 12 kids. She's like, oh, you don't have to do that. She's like, yeah. It's okay. We know each other. You don't have to do that. Who else sniffs?

Who will make you sniff their butt? How about... Christian Bale. Really? Johnny Depp? Johnny Depp for sure. You for sure have to sniff his butt. Yeah.

He demands that. I think there's a Hollywood culture where the higher, like you get on a scale and you go like, I make... They're like, what's your rate for a film? They're like, it's not about that. You have to sniff my butthole. It's in my writer. Have you read that?

I think Benizio del Toro. Yeah, I think so too. He sniffs your butt though. He's a dirt hound. He was like, nice to meet you. I love him. Show me your butthole. It's not...

Yeah, nice to meet you. Oh, I love that. That's so weird. Okay. James Woods. James Woods wants to. You want us to sniff your butt? Yeah, definitely.

If he met you and he'd be like, where's your husband taking a walk? Let me sniff your butthole real quick. Do you know that that's somebody's thing right now? Of course it is. Sniffing porn? Oh, for sure. There's the shanty thing, but who knew? Dave Navarro.

What's his name? That guy would make you sniff his butt. I think Red Band's into it, you know? I'm sorry? Red Band, I think, is into all that stuff. Butt sniffing? Absolutely. No.

Of course he... Hey there, my used panty slave. You just love my pussy and ass smell. Wow. Bold. That's from redband.com. Okay. Do you want to do...

This was probably way grosser than some people imagined it was going to be. Do you want this? Do you guys know the show? Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, it's supposed to be gross. Do you want to do these? What? What was that?

Meow, meow, meow. Oh, okay, okay. Hold on a second. Do you think that the sniffing butt thing is real? Yeah, for sure, huh? This guy sees it. Dad? Dad, you think it's real?

Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Oh, no. All right. I do think that there are egos big enough in show business that they do demand obviously

weird sexual stuff. Yeah, of course. The thing is definitely up there. Oh, it's got to be there. Yeah. Yeah. I want to learn about what weird things... Yeah, like sexual, yeah.

Absolutely, yeah. I wonder. I don't know enough about that. Well, you can always send us your emails to your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Okay. Oh, great. Yeah, here we go. Yeah, I'm playing the horn.

Oh, sorry. You play it already. Yeah, good. This is the Cosby Jello remix. That's what it's called. All right, guys, would you rather... Now, this one I really like. Yeah.

Okay, would you rather every time you talk to somebody, you can only talk about one topic, and that topic is veganism? That's it. I'm sure you guys have that already up here a lot, but all you're talking about... They're like, yeah, have you been to my fucking building? Yeah. For instance, you could be like, I'm not having a good day today. But have you thought about the animals that they're killing to make your shoes?

And you're like, ah, fuck, I just want to talk. So that's your option. Every conversation you have, I just click my tooth. I'm so nervous. Is it about veganism? Or the only website you can go to on the internet is the AOL home page. It's on those nuts. Really well-constructed, would you rather, you guys?

Yeah. What's that? You would go for veganism? Yeah, so that you could visit any website. But then you would know human contact. Like, you would have no meaningful conversations with your loved ones. You'd be like asparagus or fucking fun to talk about. Yeah, you'd be like, I have all kinds of recipes I'd like to share with you.

That's tough. I would take the AOL because, yeah, I need to have conversations with people, life, love. AOL home page is where it ends for you. That's it. You could even see your shrink, dude. You can't even log in. You can't log in. You can't hit the links on the AOL home page.

Just the home page. You just get to look at the AOL home page. That is fucking horrific. So lame, yeah. I take AOL. I mean, sorry, yeah, fuck. I have to have conversations. We couldn't do this podcast and it would become the veganism podcast.

No, you could talk about it, about whatever, and I would just respond with like carrots, peas. No fur. What are you talking about? I hate fur. What about the animals? Room temperature water. It's better than I just... Microwaves, they're killing you with radiation.

You'd be like, can we just talk about... I'd be like, yeah, we could talk about fucking arugula. No, okay, I'm taking vegan conversations. Vegan conversations? Yeah. I like websites. You see me, I'm on my fucking... Way more than you talk to me, yes.

Yeah. But you couldn't go to therapy, dude. You're a therapist. You wouldn't be able to... I could talk to her. I could talk to her about how much weight I've been losing since I fucking converted to veganism. True story. All right.

You're like, yeah, no, here's the thing is that I lost another pound this week. All right, I've got another one. Okay. Would you rather always be cold? Like, no matter what you do, you're just chilled to the bone. Don't you fucking hate that when you walk around the city and it's windy and you're like... I think you got to be more specific. How cold are you?

Chilled to the bone. Chilled to the bone. No matter what you put on... So, like, your primary thought is like, I'm fucking cold right now. All the time. Okay. Or you're just always freak out hungry. Like, where you're like...

Like, you can't even think that you're just hungry all the time. Jesus. Did you write these? Yeah. God. My communist roots. You're fucking evil. You're good at these.

Which one would you take? I'm good at suffering. Yeah. You take being hungry? Let's do it. Let's clap. Round of applause. Who chooses being cold all the time?

I know. Being hungry all the time? Wow. It's kind of a split. Wow. That's us 50. I don't think we've ever had that. You would choose being hungry?

Yeah. Yeah, me too. Plus you lose weight. You'd look hot. Right? If you're what? If you're hungry? Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? You'd be like, wow, fuck. Wait, but you're not being restricted from eating. You can eat as much as you want, but you will always feel extreme hunger. I know. Yeah, I would choose being cold as fuck. I feel cold sometimes at night.

You know what I do? I just go, yeah, I'm just going to eat something right now. I'm so fucking cold. I'm going to eat something hot right now. I'm so goddamn cold. But I feel like hunger you could deal with. You know what I'm saying? Buddhas and shit, they starve.

The Dalai Lama fucking starves himself, right? For enlightenment, spiritual enlightenment. Right now, I don't know what you're saying. You know, it's in the tradition. The great mystics have starved themselves. I could do that for a while. But cold is like... Cold fucking sucks.

Makes me angry, yeah. That's when I got kids. Jesus. Yeah, you're welcome. You're an evil genius. Thanks, guys. Thanks for playing. Really, really disturbed me.

His paper is stuck in butter. Oh, no. I can't stop. I'm sorry. Are we doing that? All right, yeah. Yeah, you have that? Yeah.

Let's do that. Let's do that before we get out of here. Okay. Thanks for coming, you guys. Yeah, you guys are the best. Thank you for coming to the show. Thank you, guys. What a wonderful way to spend your Thursdays.

I also see some in the crowd, but we brought bike shirts. And we even brought, for the big boys, we finally got triple X. Yeah. I got a lot of people like, you don't have any big sizes? I was like, I thought we did. I love you. I'm big. I'm like, all right, man.

Fucking how big do you want it? Five X. No, I don't have that. Five X. It's funny. All right, here we go. I remind you of my diarrhea. Yes.

They're so good at this. I will snip your butthole Robin Wright. So, I was thinking in light of our butthole sniffing discussion. Yes. Who would you rather fill up and seal shut based on our butt sniffs? Okay. Robin Wright, obviously, we know you like her. Or Angelina Jolie.

I know you like her too. Who do you like more? Oh, I like Robin Wright more. I do. I like her more. Okay, walk me through this. Angelina Jolie annoys me. She's older than Angelina.

So? I'll fuck a 75-year-old lady. I don't give a shit. So disrespectful. Angelina Jolie annoys me. Why? What about her? Pacificly.

Pacificly. Pacificly to the West. I don't know. There's just stars that you're like, hmm. She's very skinny, very vegan. I feel like she's always like, hmm. Microbiotic. As you notice, my lips, hmm.

You know, I have like babies and I adopted them. And I suck Brad Pitt's cock like every other day. I know. So lucky though. All right. All right. I get 20 million in movie too. She makes so much money.

Yeah. I don't know. Like, what am I going to fucking know? I don't want anything to do with that. Well, we're talking about butt sniffs in particular. I thought we were filling her up. Well, you're filling her up. But I want you to also, within the context of the butt sniff discussion.

Robin writes, we already discussed. It's phenomenal. Smells like angel hairs. It's... And I feel like she'd be like, this is where Sean Penn put out cigarettes for years. Those pretentious black ones, though. Let me make you feel better. How unbearable would it be to be married to Sean Penn?

Could you even fucking know that? It's the top of the fucking unbearable list. Yeah. Oh, that should be a next filler. It's unbearables. Yeah, it would be. I feel like Angelina. And then Sean Penn's like, I've been there.

It's fine. And that's their fucking... Sean Penn's got philosophies to tell you about. Oh, my God. He's got to tell you how the world works. He's that guy who's like... My favorite thing, regardless of how it turned out, was when they were looking for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

And he went over there and was like, I checked it out and there's nothing there. And they're like... Yeah, Spicoli. Fucking Spicoli went over there. Bro, it's fine. The actor went over there and said, yeah, I fucking researched and there's nothing there. Now, it turns out he was right. But shut the fuck up.

Oh, he's so unbearable. He's unbearable. Angelina's kind of unbearable with her, you know, political stuff. Kind of just... Yeah, just be an actor. Shut up. Like, what's up with the fucking... Save everybody.

The kids... Yeah. Feed people. Shut up. Yeah. Just act. Be pretty. Show your tits more.

Yeah. No one wants to hear your fucking opinion. She said, I'm a huge fan of Angelina Jolie more than I am of Robin Wright. I don't know. Robin Wright to me, she's very pretty, but she's so dainty in House of Cards. She's just... Like, she glides and... Yeah.

She glides right over your fucking knob and she sits down. Tommy... She's awesome. Okay. Here's my theory. I'm going to lay it out for you. Robin Wright, I think she's kind of a square lover. I'm going to go with...

She's a serial monogamist. Yeah, okay. So she's probably, you know, a square. Angelina, I used to hear rumors about her, like, jetting around LA, like, picking up, like, chicks, dudes, whatever. Like, Angelina's all about it, is from what I understand. Like, she would really fucking... About it.

About it. Yeah. Like, she'd sit down with you. Like, she'd... Yeah. Alright, I mean, I think if you were served, like... Robin Wright's like, what do you can do for me? You know what I mean?

Angelina's like, I'll fucking fuck you. I'll fucking... I tell Robin Wright, I'm going to put this cigarette out on your fucking face, if you don't get back down there. That's stupid. Let's defer to them. Okay, fine. Robin Wright, clap if you're on team Robin Wright.

Come on. Team Robin Wright. Claire Underwood, if you will. Angelina Jolie. I think Angelina won that one. She's so pretty. She's Tomb Raider, bro. Disappointed.

Okay, and then... Collectively, in all of you, I'm disappointed. I think these are for those who will demand you sniff their butts. This is a new level for our show. Talking about... It's intelligent. Yeah, it's good. Click one, too, again.

Okay. Christian Bale. Please don't knock it out. I'm so afraid. Don't even... Just let me get home to LA. Christian Bale. You think?

Okay. Because he's going to make you sniff his butt. Versus Dave Navarro. So pretentious. So wait, what are we voting on? Who is we to prefer to, or who's going to make you? Who would you prepare to fill up and seal shut within the context of the butt sniffs? Well...

You're going to have to sniff their butts, too. I feel like Navarro definitely... Unbearable. Of everybody we've mentioned, he definitely makes you do that, like in real life. Because he's all goth. Yeah, he's that guy that's like, I've done everything. Yeah. I've atein' blood out of other people's hands.

And we've exchanged goth vowels. Yeah. You know, he's done the vampire thing. 100%. He goes like, oh, welcome to my house. Like, yeah, you can get in the pool. First, you got to sniff my butt hole, though. I think he does that.

I would rather be filled up and sealed shut by Christian Bale. Like, overall. Hands down. He's fucking cute, too. Yeah, it's fucking Bruce Wayne. What are you talking about? He's crazy, though. Like, have you ever heard his meltdowns are so great?

They're insane. And I think that's how he would pound you. Fucking crazy. Oh, you'd like that? Oh, look at you! Oh, he's Welsh, right? Yeah, I think so. He talks about cool accent, yeah.

You fucking motherfucking... He loses his fucking mind. And you're like, all right, I'll take it. Jesus Christ. So great. Yeah, he would verbally abuse you, which could be cool. If a superstar verbally abused you while they were having sex, you'd be like...

He'd laugh all the time. You'd run, you'd be like, oh my God, I just fucking got plowed by Christian Bale. He talked so much shit. Dude, let's go get a beer. Where do you want to meet up? Yeah, to be so surreal, huh? Yeah, you'd be like Batman was fucking just verbally abusing me.

Yeah, so great. That's fantastic. I'm just going to read you guys the set list that we... This is so funny. I just looked at it and it made me laugh. Are you ready? Okay. Chuck Woolery.

Yeah. Fred Phelps and Gay Heaven. Diarrhea. Shit on plane. Worst diarrhea. Asian guy. Oh, no. Tom's toenails.

Would you rather? Sniff butts. There you go. That's magic, guys. That's the makings of genius, you guys. Yeah, we always have fun when we come up here. Yeah, thank you guys for coming out. Thanks for coming to our show.

And we'll definitely come back to San Francisco. Please, yes. If you'll come back, we'll... If you'll have us, we'll come back for sure. So we're going to be out there in just a few minutes. I got to play this outro song, which... Can I have a glass of white wine? Servers, anyone?

Okay, all right. I'll give you a million bucks. Pino what? Oh, Pino Grigio, if you have it. That wasn't a person asking. Oh. That was me. I just...

I'll take it. Who's got it? All right. Thank you guys. We're going to wrap it up. We love you. Thank you for coming out. Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.