Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Live From San Francisco-260-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 15, 2014

Get your dad ready to orgasm - it's LIVE from Man Fran Disco (San Francisco)!

Let me tell y'all something, cops are bald and shit, San Francisco, excuse me, Manfrantisco, are y'all ready? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with y'all? Niggas y'all crazy? Put your hands together for your mother's tummy and Tina! Hello Jeans Manfrantisco, hi! Great job on the announcements, thank you.

That was fantastic Abe. So what's up, do you guys like my new jacket? Thank you, whose jacket do you like better, Tom's jacket or my jacket? Everyone if you like Tom's creepy windbreaker, clap for the windbreaker. Whoa, what the fuck is going on? What about my cool jacket? Do a catwalk, maybe they're not looking at it, you gotta look at it properly. Guys, Tom is wearing, Tom is wearing the Department of Public Safety Official Windbreaker

at the University of San Francisco. My light jacket game is tight as shit. It's not dude, you look like the Unabomber today, you had on a hat and the glasses and your creepy windbreaker. It's a fucking windbreaker nerd, windbreakers are fucking nerd. You're a fucking nerd, that bullshit fucking grease lightening jacket. It's rad, don't you dare dude. That should be cool.

You're not cool. You're not cool. Hi guys. We gotta get that loud. I don't like that. Let me, sorry about that. Alright, let's see if our audio levels are cool for you guys. Tell me if you can hear this, if it's loud enough.

I approve juice. Oh, louder. Louder? Can we go a little louder? I think louder, yeah, we gotta get our jeans up. I eat the ass and pussy all the time, I got nothing. Louder. Louder.

Alright alright alright, Jesus. We have some good ones for you guys. Make yourself useful you stupid dumb fucking cock sucking motherfucker. Louder. How do we feel louder? A little louder please. Alright alright alright. Oh the shit, that's all loud.

It's the windbreaker. Goes right to his jeans. What'd you pay for that jacket? It's like $30 at H&M. Are you being serious? For real though. I don't fucking shop, I don't like to spend more than 50 bucks on anything. You know that.

Look at my purse. This is a purse. I bought this in the hotel lobby of the hotel I lived in for a month while doing that TBS show. True story, $50. Funniest wins? You don't know the name of the show? Yeah, I didn't win it.

Thank you, you hear us okay? Are we loud enough? Okay, good. Let me see, can you hear this? Fuck my stoma. Is that good? Everybody. Thank you.

Just make sure, I just want to make sure you can hear everything alright. God is real, God blesses a nigga. Okay, alright, just want to make sure. Just making sure, alright, just make sure the levels are cool. Alright. I knew it, I fucking knew you would do it. Well we got to make sure the levels are cool. You're the worst.

You're a horrible man. I paid more. How much did you pay for your dumb windbreaker? You're going to fucking be so upset. More than ten times what you paid for yours. Are you serious? Yeah. I could get you one for free at public safety.

Bullshit, no way. I get you a badge and everything. This is fucking, this is designer. You saw me model it, this is nice. Did you ever use the hood, have you unzipped it and used the hood yet? Not yet, I'm waiting for the fucking right occasion. I bought this for, I bought this to go to Asia. And then on the plane, the flight attendant was like, it's like 104 degrees in Hong Kong right now.

And I was like, I just spent like $350 on a windbreaker. A windbreaker. Never wore it not once. No, that's the city connection. Don't talk shit about Webster. There's so much. So much to get to. Let's just do it early, like just start with the clip.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is the best clip. I don't want to, I don't want to do that. You know what? Yeah, you can't say that. You can't raise people's expectations. I'm not gonna. Does anybody not know what they're at right now? Is there anyone like, when is this?

That's my favorite. Oh, you're like a first timer. Have you ever heard our show at all? Never. In the car right here. Okay, so you know little. But you're like, where's the standup part? Is that coming?

Yeah, the standup's at the end. I was quoting something, just so you know. What? That phrase, I don't just say that, just so you know. You know what I'm saying? You feel me, don't you? She says all kinds of things, different things. I don't say that.

All you niggas is blacked. Different stuff. All right, let's get started. I can't. All right. N-A-C-P is gonna come in here. All right, here we go. Let's get this started.

You guys ready to do this show? Can we do this right now? Yeah, man, Frank Disco! Here we go. When you're on your knees at your father's funeral, at his casket, and you're saying goodbye to him, and then you have nine orgasms right there, while your whole family is standing behind you. It just makes you never want to have another orgasm as long as you live.

But you know what? You just keep on coming. This shit is big time! Who is Ram? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand! Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah! Wow! Tom Segura, everybody! Tom Segura! You know what? If you wear a bullshit jacket like that, you can't even do that.

You gotta have fresh shit. I'm practicing. I'm practicing. I'm talking about practicing. I'm talking about practicing right now. All right. I don't know if... Can everybody hear what that clip was saying?

Okay. So a guy was saying, let's go through it again. Let's make sure we understand what's going on. When you're on your knees at your father's funeral at his casket, then you're saying goodbye to him. You're on your knees at your father's funeral at the casket saying goodbye. And then you have nine orgasms. And then you have nine orgasms.

Right there by your whole family is standing behind you. The whole family is watching you. Come nine times in front of your dad who just died. You're like, oh, he's dead. Wait, but we need to explain why this guy's... Oh, no. Let's not. Let's move on to something else.

This makes you never want to have another orgasm as long as you live. But you know what? You can just keep on coming. This is so weird. It's literally... This is... All right. We're going to take you through it.

Here we go. Oh, God. Oh. Oh. That's a guy. Father. He's coming right there. He's on all fours and he's like...

Oh, God. Two, Dale Decker suffers from a rare and seemingly incurable condition that leads to him suffering up to 100 unwanted orgasms a day. I ain't got but two nuts to bust down there. Did you understand that? He has 100 orgasms a day. There's nothing pleasurable about it because even though it might physically feel good,

the whole time inside your mind, you're completely disgusted by what's going on and depending on where you're at, if you're in public, if you're in front of kids, if you're around the street... In front of kids, just coming in front of kids all the time, like... Is your dad home?

They're like... Why would that be weird to come in front of your kids all the time? Any kid, all the kids. What's up with that kid? Don't worry. He's coming again. Don't worry. It can make a person break real fast.

A 37-year-old is the first man to ever speak publicly about the condition known as persistent sexual arousal syndrome, or PSAS. PSAS. It's not a syndrome. Right? More than one weird dude has to have something to be a syndrome. I don't know.

I think he comes so much they just gave it to him. You know, like... Do you think he ejaculates every time? That's what I want to know. And I think we can... Listen, you want it now! They're shaking their head. No. There's no way, right?

Do you think he just gets the internal sensation of an orgasm? But it doesn't. It's all... You're going to dry up at some point, that's for sure, yeah. But every once in a while... I mean, he's got to have leakage, I'm guessing at least, right? Some dripping. This is so crazy, okay.

Hey, how the fuck do you guys know? What's up with you guys? And he says it's ruining his life. When you're on your knees at your father's funeral at his casket, then you're saying goodbye to him, and then you have nine orgasms right there while your whole family is standing behind you. My whole family is like...

That's the worst part! You're like, goodbye, dad. They're all standing behind him, waiting to say their goodbye, and they're watching their brother or cousin just come over and over in front of, like, dad's dad. And he's like, I know. I've been waiting for this day for so long. How hard are you going to come at your dad's funeral?

You know, way to fucking upset everybody. It's so awful! What I told you was we were talking about this at dinner. What I told you was, when you go to your dad's funeral, you're going to remember this guy. No! I'm not saying you're going to come, but I'm just going to say you're going to be there,

you'll be sad, and you'll be like, oh, that one guy came nine times at his dad's funeral. What happened for sure? Oh, it makes me laugh. It makes me never want to have another orgasm as long as you live. But you know what? You just keep on coming. He's so sad.

He's so fucking sad. He's broken. Like, he's on the verge of tears all the time. Dale, from Wisconsin in America, was enjoying his suburban life in 2012 when he slipped a disc in his back while getting out of a chair, triggering the condition for unknown reasons. Do you ever get, like...

Do you ever feel like a weird sensation in your back, lower back, that feels almost arousing, though? Do you ever know what I'm talking about? No. No? Never. It always hurts when I feel like that. I feel like the lower, center back has, like,

nerves sometimes where you're like, whoa, shit, what the fuck was that? No? You're going to end up with this. If I get PSAS, I'm going to be fucking pissed. That's the precursor to it. It'll be hard to do stand-up. And then I said,

ugh, ugh. And everyone's like, that guy keeps doing that for all his jokes. It's such a life-ruiner. It's a horrible life-ruiner. Except for, why doesn't he do porn? He could do good. That's true.

Yeah. We didn't think of the bright side, Tom. You know what he should do? Webcam. Yes. Set up a camera and he just sits there on the verge of tears all day. I would pay to see that. I would pay a lot.

And then when he feels it coming, he hits a button to record. He's like, here it comes. Ugh. God damn it. He gets all of that. Can you imagine what it's like to be this guy's kid and be like, oh, dad's just coming.

Like to look in your dad's face as he comes all day. They don't say it. I think they probably have, like, a code name. You know what I mean? Like, they're probably like, dad's doing his wishing again. Wishing. Yeah.

Dad's praying. They don't say dad's coming again. They're like, dad's got his thinking face on again. That's thinking face. That's horrifying. Dad, do you have one of your thoughts again? I don't know why I'm making them southern. I picture.

No, he's from Wisconsin. I know, but it'd be so great if it was like Louisiana. That's my dad. My daddy has. Daddy has his thoughts all the time. My daddy. So he slipped the disc. OK, here's what happened.

They put me in the back of the ambulance to take me to the hospital. And on the way there, I had my first five orgasms. In the ambulance. In the ambulance. He's like, whoa, what's going on here? He hurt your back. He's like, yeah, it's good.

Five times. Jesus Christ. And they've never stopped. Dale has been unable to work since the accident and is mostly housebound through fear of experiencing an episode in public. But he enjoys playing the Frisbee Golf with his closest friends.

Frisbee Golf. So he does. Those are the only people you can come around freely is the Frisbee Golf community. They're like, we get it, man. We all do that shit here. Frisbee. Frisbee Golf.

Have you ever heard of something so lame in your life? Oh, yeah. My cousin Bri Bri plays Frisbee Golf. Frisbee Golf. I know, like, extreme Frisbee. Ultimate Frisbee. Ultimate, bro. Yeah.

Ultimate Frisbee. Ultimate. There's like, you can't run until you have it, right? And like, are you covering somebody? Is there, like, defense? If you have it, you can't walk? You got to stand there? I'm like, catch it.

Catch it, bro. Yeah. So weird. And they're like, dude, we ultimate out big time today. That was awesome. So, well, Frisbee Golf Dale, he just launched his Frisbee. And now, I guess he's going to pick it up. So he's walking there.

Launching his Frisbee. That's what the kids call it. Oh, God. He's coming. They happen at all times in any situation. They happen when I'm awake. They happen when I'm asleep. They happen in the shower.

I just had nine rather powerful orgasmic sensations full of my entire body. He's on his knees on the golf, Frisbee Golf course. Just like, why? He's so bummed about his orgasm. I just want to throw my fucking Frisbee around. And now it feels like every muscle from here to about here is doing this.

While the condition is so rare, most doctors can't even diagnose it. It is widely acknowledged by specialists in the field. PSAS is a condition of unrelenting genital arousal and spasms, which is not necessarily sexual. And they have no idea when this is going to happen or how often and can lead to intense suffering. And this suffering is felt in Dale's home life,

where wife April struggles to cope. Why? What's the wife upset about? He's fucking all day. Yeah, because wait, what's the problem? Is it that he just bust nuts too quick? Yeah, so he's just busting nuts too much and she's all, what's up, bitch?

I want to bust nuts too. No, because he can keep going, though. That's what I'm saying. What's the problem? You know, if he's constantly aroused? I think he's... She's probably like, I'd like sex and then he's probably like,

I came 60 times this morning. Oh, I'm sorry. And then it goes limp is what you're saying. No, I think he's like, look, it happens without us doing anything. Yeah. So could you fuck off? Right, right, right.

I wonder if even, do you think he even cranks him out anymore? Fuck no, no way. I don't know. If I was coming 100 times a day, I wouldn't be like, gotta get another one in. So debilitating, yeah. Dude, you couldn't do shit if you had this.

No, it actually is horrible. Yeah, it's just why it's hilarious. The situation. We tend to have arguments about stuff that really... She's broken too. Shouldn't be arguing about it. She's crying. We already struggle right now.

He can't work and help supply, so I feel stressed from that. And PSAS is even affecting Dale's relationship with his children. Oh, really? You don't want to watch your dad come 100 times a day? Christian and Tatum. They don't have a relationship.

He doesn't go to, like, practices because he feels embarrassed. Did you see him in soccer practice? Yeah. That was a good try. Jesus Christ. Dude, I think your dad likes practice a little more than every other dad.

He's really into this game. You didn't even kick a goal, and he came all over the fucking place. So weird. Of course he doesn't go to practice. He's like, he doesn't even go. He can't go. So much cum.

If you look at a kid too long, people are like, hey, man, you're weird. You're on the sidelines just fucking busting load after load. Of course. Kids don't know about this condition. Kids don't know about this condition. They know.

They know something's wrong. Of course. Kids know. They don't, you know. They don't know that it's PSAS. Yeah. They know that dad falls to the floor all the time and goes, oh, God.

You know what's funny is that this is one of the original. This is the original. Would you rather? Oh, God. This is the original one. It's would you want to have an orgasm in front of your entire family? Yeah.

So this is like my worst nightmare come to life. Yeah. And it seems like it's pretty awful. Yeah. It is. We have to rethink that whole would you rather. I know.

Yeah. Oh. That's him. That's the dad. Oh. Don't you think the kids know something's up after that a hundred times a day? But thank God it's that guy and not the other guy,

that extreme one. Oh, yeah. It was like, oh. Like the screamer. Way, way more intense. Where is that guy? Yeah. If this was their dad.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. Where is it? At least he's kind of quiet. Like he keeps it on the down low. Yeah. He's just quietly suffering. This is the dad.

Oh, God. Hey, dad. Are you there? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. What's wrong with that? I'm here, son. What's going on? I'm having one of my episodes. What's up, buddy?

All right. It's not. Look, it's not going to be this dirty the whole show. All right. Let's just get through this. That's horrifying. Could you imagine Top Dog's orgasm, even what he sounds like? What do you think?

Seriously. Let's be real. Come on. Real talk. I think he goes. Yeah. I think he goes. Hey, buddy.

Yeah. No. I think it's probably pretty awful. I mean, how about we do this right now? How about everybody in this room right now? Close their eyes and picture their father having an orgasm. Think about it. Think about your dad.

You don't want to do it. You don't want to do it. It's the worst. But that's why we're all here. Because our dads came super hard on the side of our moms. All of us had dads that came. You know what? I asked at a show recently.

There was a couple and they had two kids at the show and they were all in the front row. I said, do you remember how hard you came when you made each of these kids? And the mother was like, what the fuck? And the dad goes, yeah. And it was a boy and a girl. I go, did you come a little harder when you made your son? And he goes, you bet.

Oh, my god. Tom. Tom. That's terrible. That's terrible. To dads. Well, what top dog think of San Francisco? I'm sorry.

Wait a minute. Let's back this up a little bit. What's that? Let's talk about your father having an orgasm. My dad's, he's probably awesome. He's chill. He's like, ugh. He's a European gentleman.

Yeah. Ugh. He's just like, ugh. You're welcome. You know, it's a privilege, I'm sure, to make my dad orgasm. You lived here for what, five years? I did, yeah. What did Pops think of San Francisco?

You know what? My dad, I think he doesn't like it because it's not convenient enough. Like, I know the homeless people really bothered him. Like, when people begged for money, he would just be like, oh, come on, please. Like, he had disgust for poor people, which is really funny. Yeah, I feel that. Guys, this jacket was like $300. I know, I know.

I think he was annoyed. He was a little annoyed at, like, having to walk places and stuff, you know? Yeah, because that's what, a dad is about convenience, okay? Things are available, convenient. Yeah. Your dad would hate it here. Oh my God. No convenience.

He hates big cities. Hates them so much. Yeah. There's what? No Fridays. There's no TJ Fridays. The next is that Marin have Fridays or no. Maybe in, like, Marin County, huh?

Maybe, yeah. Oh my gosh. He hates it. He's, like, parking and his traffic. He lives where there's... It was gross, right? I'm sorry. Did you guys hate that?

I just got here. I blew like, hey, guys. So... He hates when you have to drive. He thinks literally, like, 10 minutes of combined traffic is, like... Yeah. Why don't we just all take a sign I'd pill right now and just end it all? Yeah.

My father... You know, we have relatives in Riverside, California, right? So we drive from the valley to Riverside. One time... It's so beautiful in Riverside. It's real nice. It's real nice. They got an El Torrito.

And chilies. And my father decided it was too much traffic for Thanksgiving. It was, like, fuck it. And he just turned around and completely didn't go... Like, more than halfway back, though, right? To Riverside for family Thanksgiving. That's how much he hates it. Yeah.

My dad's still, he's 66, 67, still to this day, anywhere we are, if there's a gay couple. Yeah. And they're just... He's real cool. Alive. He goes, like... Look at that. Like...

Yeah. Like, there's two guys over there. And I'm like, what the fuck, dude? And he did it recently, like, when I saw him. And he did it on the cruise. He did it on the cruise, like, because there was, like, a lot of gay people. There was some... Yeah.

But he doesn't know, like, he doesn't know how to go, like, you know, like, look. Like... Yeah. He goes, uh... And I'll be like, no, I'll be like, I totally see what you're talking about. And then he, like, gets up and he goes, wait, there's a couple gay guys over there. And I'll be like, Jesus, I fucking know. And he's like, he's like, you think they're gonna do it tonight?

He also likes to ask you. He'll be all, hey, you think those guys are gay? Yeah. Like, if he's an especially, like, flamboyant guy, wearing, like, a fucking, you know, a necklace of dicks on it, and he's like, he'll be like... Guy's definitely gay, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Definitely. He's so funny. I remember, uh... Unbelievable. Your dad has severe dad mouth. Like, everybody's dad... Everybody's dad has dad mouth? Like, they just...

Men hit a certain age. It's like 50, and their breath just goes, God knows where. I don't know why... It is, like, universal, though. I don't know what it is. Does everybody's dad have dad mouth, or is it just our mouth? Yeah, what the fuck, man? Right?

You start looking at it and you're like, dude, those don't even look like teeth anymore. Like... Yeah. And it's the gums. And if you say it to my dad, he'll be like, gingivitis. Like, he'll just, like, re-affirm what you're talking about. And you're like, no, I'm saying go brush. Yeah, you won't.

Because I remember... I remember one night we met your sisters for dinner. And Jane goes, oh, my God, give him a piece of gum. Oh, his breath is terrible. Meaning your father. And I was like, oh, it's so sad. Like, he's like FIFO. Like, every now and then, like, Jesus Christ.

FIFO's mouth smells like a fish market. And we give him, like, a bone or something. It's the same way with your dad. Whenever I tell him, I go, I'll be like, I meet him. And I, you know, I start talking. I'm like, holy shit, your breath is really fucking kicking right now, man. And he'll go, yeah, I was going to brush, but then I didn't. Yeah.

Cool. He's like, see those gay guys over there? My dad brushes, though. He brushes a lot after every meal. And it's still a dad now. Does? Yeah. He's real good about it.

Real diligent, yeah. And my dad showed me those tiny whiteies. Holy shit, man. Man, they're intense. It looked like he was eating fucking brownies off of him. Like, the chocolate-iest chocolate, like, chocolate souffle. And just smeared in the underwear, huh? I was like, what the fuck?

Yeah. And then I go, dude, I go, did you shit your pants? And he goes, I just scratched my ass. And I was like, that's a lot of shit. I go, are you going to throw this away? And he goes, of course not. And I go, why? And he goes to wash them.

And he goes, there's nothing wrong with a little bit of shit. And I go, no one ever says that. No one ever says, there's nothing wrong with a little bit of shit. And that you'd think that he would give up on the white boxer shorts, too. You know? Yeah. Go with dark colors. Doesn't give up.

I think he likes to see it. It is a sign of pride. And I go, what are you going to do with them right now? Because he had them. And he goes, I'll wear them inside out. And I go, wear. And he goes to the gym. And I go, you'll get shit on your shorts.

Because they'll be inside. And he goes, yeah, but they're my gym shorts. And that was it. That was like the logical end. It was so foul. You know what he needs? I was reading Oprah Magazine on the way up here, you know? And they have this thing now called the Butterfly.

Have you heard of this? It's pretty awesome. Holy shit. It's a, it's like a man pond, right? Like it's, it's like a, it's shaped like a butterfly. And it's like made out of maxi pad material. And you put it in your butt cheeks. Fold it and you put it in your butt crack.

And then it helps with bowel leakage. Again, this was not in Hustler. This was in Oprah Magazine. Like this is a product you're going to see taking off. So rad. Yeah. But I think I'm, And it said for like, it said a lot of women, it said over 40 suffer from bowel leakage.

So why not use the butterfly? I feel like I suffer now from it, you know? Cause I got that wiping problem and I think it could really help. Excuse me? Well, I have, you know, I, I've had that problem where the never ending wipe thing. Yeah. That might be the answer to all my problems. Okay.

I'm just saying, I might give it a shot. You're going to try it for real? Maybe. But I think don't push it in there too hard. That's the problem. You've got to let it sit on the outside. Yeah. On the outskirts.

That's your whole wiping problem. That's what your dad said. He's right. Your dad said I have to stand up to wipe and that's why I'm having that problem. You need to trust him. He knows what he's talking about. Yeah. Yeah.

Definitely. Listen. You need to wipe down. It's true. It's very true. Um, all right. You want it? Well, listen, I feel like we should address the obvious, um, which is cumbiards.

Yeah. I mean, this is San Francisco, right? Hello. You guys invented cumbiards. So, uh-oh, get your alarm. Uh, we've been talking a lot about. Come on. Yeah.

Okay. We've been talking a lot about coming in beards lately, um, and beards of cum. I don't know. Either way. Yeah. Well, the origin is that you look at me across the table when we do this podcast. Yeah. And you go, oh, I'd like to come in that beard.

Yeah. Which is really cool. Well, because you've got all those nice white streaks in there. It's kind of lends itself to that. So we've had people, we, we put a call out to the world like, hey, have you ever, um, had cum in your beard? Is it hard to wash off? Is that the one that I printed out?

Did you want to read that one? Yes. Please, feel free. Sure. Okay. Here we go. We got this email, I think this morning, actually. Yeah.

This one came in early. He writes, okay. So this actually happened to me three days ago. My roomie slash ex-girlfriend was out for a quick evening run. And the second the door slammed, I whipped my dick out for a five minute beat off session. Well, seeing as I'm sharing a small apartment with her and I can't just walk, whack off when I want to, the pressure mounts up, you know? So I whacked off and I thought I'd come on my big fat belly to save me precious cleaning time.

And I fucking shot a huge string in my long ass beard. Almost fucking barfed while I was still coming. Yeah. I had to use shampoo and conditioner to get the damn thing out. Cheers moms from Copenhagen, Denmark. That's Casper. He says Denmark is the land of Vikings coming in beards. All right.

Yeah, because this seems to be a reoccurring theme is that guys accidentally come in their own beards. Sure. This gentleman writes, Ivan, he wrote, I do have a beard, but I don't like having people come in it. But I have myself came in my beard. I was laying back one night in bed next to my wife and I got the urge. She wasn't having it and was asleep.

So I started to have a little fireman time to myself. I don't know what that means. Something to do with the hose? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. As I was getting ready to climax, I realized I wasn't in optimum position. But by that time, it was too late.

Not having had sex and over a week, I had some power behind this ejaculate. Not only did I get three fat globs of it in my beard, but I also had the pleasure of getting a good whiff. I also had the pleasure of getting a good whiff as it landed on my nose and top lip. That is fucking gross. It's so gross, dude. It says, trying not to panic and wake my wife, I thought, it's only smells. And collected myself and hopped in the shower.

But I must tell you, sperm is waterproof. Now that's what's up. He is right about that. I had washed it off the best I could, but it was still in the beard. It was like a homemade beard gel. I had no choice but to use my wife's comb and brush out the soldiers left behind. Have you ever done that? Oh, yeah, yeah.

The next morning, I had to tell my wife why I threw her comb out. So mommy T and mommy C, the moral of the story is you need to wipe down even with sperm. That's fantastic. That's hilarious, man. That's tough. No, I've never had that. That's tough. I have.

You ever have, like, when you're really drunk and high and you still insist on jerking off? You know, like, I've been... Yeah. No? No one? Or let's just say hi. You're super high and it feels amazing, right? And then as you finish, your eyes are like, oh, you feel like I'm going to die right now.

And then laying on your back and then, like, you pop yourself in the face and you're like, oh, that sucks so bad. But you don't... Oh, no. You have to wait? I've had that and I've also had to go... Wait, why do you have to wait? Because you're in the middle of this intense, crazy...

Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah, sorry. Too high to move. Sure, sure, sure. And you're like, how long am I going to leave comb on my face for right now? That's the one perk of female. I've had to go over my head, like when I'm on my back, like... Yeah.

And then you see it go over, you're like, no fucking way. Yeah. You know what? Everybody knows I'm talking about that. Everyone's had that. No, you don't get distance? No. Are you a dribbler?

Like, hmm. Do you clean it or do you leave it on the wall? Depends where I am. Like, if I'm in our house, yeah, I'll clean it up. Anywhere else in the world, I'll leave it there. Good call, right? That's a good thing. A friend of mine didn't believe me.

It's easy to clean up as a girl. You know, Casey, where the dude's at? Yeah. He's at paint walls. I'm like, ah, fucking paint a hotel room wall. And he's like, no, you won't do that. And so I took a picture of it and he was like, I don't want to talk to you anymore. He was so upset.

That's horrifying. You took a picture of it and sent it to Casey? To Casey, yeah. I think he has like, I'm sure he erased them. That's so creepy. He must have at least five or six of those pictures. It's gross. I know it's gross.

So serial killer-y of you? I don't care. It's only smells. That's such a dude thing to do. A girl would never do that. Like girls sell to me to take pictures of their shits. I disagree. Clap if you're a girl and you've taken a picture of your dump.

One pig, see? I applaud you, madam. I applaud you. That's okay. This is for science. We're just taking notes. People don't like to admit publicly that they've done gross things like I just did. All the time.

But I know you have. I'm not saying you all do the same thing I do. You've done some gross shit. Take a picture of your stuff? But you won't tell anybody. I just want you to think about it for a second. Can I read you this one? This one's interesting.

I'm not sure I understand what this is. This is San Francisco. I know you guys are good with fetishes and acronyms and stuff. So maybe you can help. Okay. Okay. He goes, not to really do with coming my beard. Jesus Christ.

But rather on asking you guys how you feel about weird fetish stuff like what I'm afflicted with. And that's the, now here's the acronym. I don't understand. It says AB slash DL. Anybody? He gets it. Adult baby diaper lover.

Adult baby diaper lover is what this guy's talking about. You didn't even have to pause for that. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Wow. You like that. Thank you. Good work.

Are you, are you afflicted as well? Affliction. You what? Pornchan. Pornchan? Okay. Pornjam. Chan.

Chan. Chan? What? Like channel? Oh, got you. Sorry. Oh, Pornchan. Pornchan.

Okay. Is that a porno channel? No. No. Is it? It can be. What do we know? We're just a couple of moms.

We don't know anything. We're just like, oh, mom. I'm going to put these into the AB slash DL thing more. So the DL thing. Diaper loving. Okay. And that's when I like my woman to wear a diaper. What, what are your guys thoughts?

It's kind of a thing I'm ashamed of, like no joke. Awesome podcast. Pull your jeans up from Corey. You know, I, we don't judge people's weird. We laugh at them. Yes. Yes. We'll laugh at everybody.

You know, we make fun of people with Tourette's for guys. That guy though, that guy definitely thinks it's a bigger deal to other people than it is. You know what I mean? Like that dude, I'm sure is like, he thinks about people finding out and would be like, like just like would crawl into the darkest hole. The shame is strong. But then everybody would be like, okay.

And then no. Right. Cause we all were like, oh, that's weird. Yeah. So anyways, what's for dinner? Like nobody gives a shit. That's a really, I, that's a really harmless one. It's harmless.

And I kind of get it cause I've seen a documentary on adult babies. Like I get it cause you're being cared for and someone's like tucking you in and loving you and changing your dye dye. Sounds awesome. Yeah. And I, I don't know if it's a sex, like I couldn't sexualize that, but I would like, I would like you to change my dye dye and powder me. I'm not going to change your butterfly.

That's for sure. Wait, does anybody hear into the, the baby thing? I don't know. No, they might. Does anyone go to him into that in his room? San Francisco. They don't give a fuck. What?

Go ahead. Your ex-boyfriend? And did you change him and treat him like a baby? Wait, did you ever like even entertain at all? But would you like even like, like sort of like, all right, I'll feed you a bottle. Jesus. Like that. They're like, um.

Wait, I don't understand. Mommy's got to go drink now. I got to go. Did, did he try to make you into the adult baby or was he trying to make, to be the mommy? Wow. Perfect. Oh, that's awesome. You guys could have had a good thing, man, but you're not into that.

Did you appreciate, did you respect the fact that he was asking you though? Yeah. Yeah. It just wasn't your particular. Did you have, did you have like regular adult sex outside of that? And would like, when he came, would he go like, wham, like that or not? Now, can I ask you this? When he wanted you to change his dye dye, was it really full of brown or fake brown?

Like, does he fake all my diapers full or do they really fill their diaper? It's, it's dark in here. No one knows. You don't worry. Oh, number one. So he would only pee in the dye dye and then. Yeah. It's oaky as fuck.

Yeah. No. It's not. No, don't, you don't have to feel bad. It's not, it's not your thing. Yeah. Clap for her for support. That was nice to share.

Yeah. Okay, boo boo. He can find somebody who's totally into that and it'll be awesome. Yeah. I love. So funny. I love people sharing that stuff. I do too.

It's so fascinating, right? Yeah. What else is going on in this room? Who else has kinks? Any weird kinks? What's he into? Oh, you were about to share. I saw, you were like either, I know what he really like, and then you're like, he's

your co-worker? Wow. So you guys are like office role play or like what do you do? Office role play. That's the most boring role play of all. Papers are all wrong. Can you file this paperwork? He likes us.

That's a fetish too. I don't have anything exciting. I liked Mighty Mouse. I, for some reason that was my first crush is Mighty Mouse. I'm sorry. I'm very vanilla, I guess. I don't like being spanked or hit or shit like that. It's just not my thing, you know.

Life hurts enough. All right. I was goth, man. You know. Shit. Come on, man. I got fucking feelings. Okay.

I like getting kicked in the balls with everything you've got. You love that. I wish you did. I'd be so good at that. I know. We watch those videos and laugh and you're like, I'd love to do that too. Actually, yes. I bet you I could be a good dom.

Because I got a lot of anger issues and I would love to beat the fuck out of people. I don't know that that's the fucking prerequisite. Are you super angry? Do you have a lot of anger issues? Well, you'd be a great dom. I would like to kick some dude in the nuts or like be like, clean my house, pig. Stuff like that. You do those dishes, you dirty boy.

Is that how you do it? What's that? If only. If only. Are you a dom? Is that why? No. No.

I'm sorry. This is so rad. It's like a town hall. You sound like the fucking spokesperson for the army. I know. Huh? Okay. Yeah, I'm sorry.

What is it called now? The Armory. But is it like dildos and shit is what you're saying? Oh, kank doc. It's like dungeons and shit. And then they're like, we're going to tie you up and ball bags. Oh, that's neat. Put your tits in a vice.

You know what? I lived here in the 90s. So, you know. Oh, okay. I was gone by then. Folsom Street Parade. I remember that. A lot of dudes there.

A lot of dudes fucking around. What about you guys? Anything? Any kinky stuff? Any kinky stuff? Kinks? Face sitting? You're all for that.

All right. Okay. Now you sit on someone's face. I think it's fantastic. No, he gets his face sat on. Oh, that's yeah. All right. But here's what I want to know.

Are you seeing someone right now? Are you seeing somebody now? The mother of your children left you. Aw. Jesus, man. Don't bring the fucking room back. What a bummer. But when you go out with somebody, how do you bring it up?

You what? You have to bring... Oh, you go straight creeper status on them? You're like, this was a fun date. Go over and sit on my fucking face right now. I love it. I think you're fantastic. It's not...

I think there's nothing weird about it. No. I mean, you might want to try a different approach. No, I'm saying... I think the sooner the better, though. Don't you think? Put it out there. And if she's not into it, on to the next one, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. That's what you say? Yeah. You go, I look good? You go, I look good. Yeah. All right.

What about you? It's Fleet Week. You guys are couples. Do you guys do... Can you shit? Isn't it Fleet Week? Or next week? It celebrates with the Fleet Enema.

Is that correct? I want to say something. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What is it? Anything? No? Squeak, squeak, squeak. All right.

Okay. So yeah, Fleet Week's about to come up, right guys? And that's when the Navy people come on board on Fisherman's Wharf. Okay, here's the thing I remember from Fleet Week in college. I went to the marina and I was doing karaoke and they're like, hey, the boys are here. And I like got drunk with a bunch of sailors.

Okay. Had a bunch of dicks in my face. It was like Fleet Week. Oh, like that. Oh, oh. Hey, historical spokesperson for San Francisco. So do you guys notice the blue angels are flying around? So Christina.

He thinks this isn't real. She goes, uh, she goes, blue angels are here. I don't say that. And she goes, uh, you know what happens when they fly around? It scares the old people. They think it's World War II again. That's true. And I go, no, it's fucking dope.

It's true. I remember. That there's play. No. And that old people are like, ah. I don't like it. All people don't like the blue. Stop it.

We're back in Normandy right now. They're not doing that. The old people don't like the blue angels. I remember because I was watching Cron. That's not true. Cron TV fucking back in 98. And they're like, old people don't like the blue angels. Because they remind them of the war.

It's so true. Oh, shit. Okay. Has anyone else heard that? That old people get freaked out. Okay. Come on. One weirdo in the back.

Come on. I swear I heard it. They're flying all over today. There were old people in that restaurant. None of them were like, ah, Nazis are outside now. No one. We'll see. You'll see.

I don't want my chicken parm. Speaking of chicken parm, we went to have Italian food. Surprise. We're in North Beach. And I farted so bad during dinner. And you were like, oh, I got my John Travolta jacket on. And then what happened? I farted so bad that I had to get up and walk away from it.

Because the waiter was going to come back and bring my meal. And I was like, I got to go. So I, have you ever done that before? Not me. You get up and you have to leave the room? Nope. Did you smell it? Of course I smelled it.

Okay. You left a horrific fucking shit at the table. I was like, damn. It's just bad. Whatever. Can we please play the metal song that was submitted to us? Okay. Well, this wasn't submitted to us.

This was just. This was submitted to the show. Oh, submitted to the show, but a listener didn't make this song. No, but someone sent this to us. It's the fucking raddest thing ever. For now. You really like that, huh? Fart metal.

They loved it. They're clapping for it. Fart metal. You know what? You didn't know. What? They made a second song. Oh shit.

Okay. This is called. Shit metal. Oh, it's. It's almost too much, right? It's almost too much. We're trying to upset you. Okay.

I don't know if I like diarrhea metal as much. You know what? Then we don't want you as a fan. I liked fart metal. Diarrhea metal pushes it over, man. Yeah. Too much. It breaks the boundaries.

We should send them an email. Who does that? Send them an email. I can't believe King Ass Ripper never responded to us. It's such an insult. You said that he's definitely a fetish guy. Oh yeah. That's a fetish, by the way.

Who clap if you think King Ass Ripper is a fetishist. Yeah. It makes sense now. This guy's gesturing like, I don't fucking know. You know who it is? No. Oh, well, give him a taste. Give him a whiff.

Okay. Damn, having a big ass fucking breakfast. Oh, four bean and cheese burritos. I hate when he. Lathered with two big ass eggs. And fucking six sausage and cheese patties. Oh, look at that. Four bean burritos.

That's about five or a thousand calories right there. Five or a thousand? And each sausage patty is 150 calories. You do the math. You do the math. That's King Ass Ripper. I mean, he's known for doing a little more. Oh, sniff that.

Damn. You get it. Would you do it? Maybe you don't get it. You got it now? Okay. It's so intense. So there are comments under his videos like, oh, you're so sexy.

Like, oh, you're such a gluttonous bitch. Like, you know, like he's taunting the viewers and now it makes sense. That's why he's not responded to us, I think. Yeah, we tried to get him on. We really made a lot. Huge fans. We're huge fans. Huge fan.

Huge fucking fans. And made quite the effort. And he just farted in our faces. He farted in your face. What is nothing to do with it, yo? Nothing to do with it. Wow. You got it.

So, uh, this is Craig Craig. This one came in. What's this dude's name? Rob or Jim and on the one. Okay. My dental update is more of a dental throwback. As a youngster, my teeth are as crooked as Irishman at a bar. All right.

All right. All right. Thank you. I got braces. However, my gums had an allergic reaction to the metal. They then proceeded to grow over my teeth. What do you do with inflated gums? You ask.

Well, obviously you shave them down to size with a sharp razor. Himself? No. No, no, no. Wait, wait. I don't like the way that looks. That'll be crazy. Did you, oh, you didn't do it.

Did anybody, you remember when you get acne and you're like, I don't know, let's say middle school and you take your razor, you're like, fuck it. And you shave a fucking pimple off. You did that? Yeah. Thank you. Some people are like, oh no, fuck you liar. You did it.

And you're like, whatever. You don't care. You just shave your zits off. You did that? I'm sorry. Shave your zits off? Yeah. Nobody does that.

We just had a whole conversation about it. I don't do that. I'm sorry. I was in fraud. This guy's, I know you're sitting there reading with your mouth moving. You do that homeless guy. You can't read without moving your lips. Everybody knows that.

Go grease lightning, go grease lightning, go. It's so rude. He's so jealous. It goes, I know. I had to listering. That's the total all about. Have you ever noticed, sometimes in pictures, Tom Segura looks like he has no teeth. There's a lot of photographs of you with no teeth.

It's really funny. This guy says he had to listering his raw gums five times a day. And the amount of blood loss per gargle was surprisingly vast. Holy mother. To this day, my gums bleed a little. And when I floss, it looks like I ate out an elephant on its mega period. Yeah, I'm not sure we should finish. That was a little intense.

This was your dental update. Hey man, I don't write them. I just read them. Dude, so this guy wrote to us. This one's super fucking cray cray. This guy's a regular. He drew the picture of Theo with the dog tits. This guy.

He goes at the end of classic Jean's episode 46. There was a brief dental update where a debridement was mentioned. I wanted to elaborate on what this is. Is it debridement? Debridement? Are you working the dental? You're a nurse. Okay, shoot.

Does this sound right to you, nurse? A debridement is the removal of necrotic tissue, rotting flesh, pus, oozing discharge or debris by scrubbing the affected area with a coarse brush or gauze. I can't even read it. Anesthesia, I can't. You're not going to read it? Well, it's so long and it's so disgusting. Why did you pick it then?

Because I didn't think it would be this nauseating. I only have experience with trauma injuries on the body. So I asked a co-worker who specializes in periodontal trauma. What, a dental debridement? Debridement. Debridement consisted of, she broke it down for me. Selected teeth are usually pulled if bad enough. The gums are cut all the way down and pulled away exposing the nerves.

Oh, shit. If the gum flap was severely infected, it would be removed entirely and the skin grafted. The infection was so bad that it now affected the bone or jaw. The affected area would be cut away. A new bone from a donor, like an animal bone or apart from your other body, is put in place. Shit's real. The bone can be augmented to form a new ridge for your new chompers to rest on. Those are usually screwed in implants and they give you the illusion you never had a rotting trench mouth in the first place.

Trench mouth. I hope... Trench mouth's bad. That help with your visualization of what people go through when they wipe up, wear their jeans low, and know where dudes are not at, or know where dudes are at but don't tell anyone. By the way, the fart, lauderdale, semenhole, hardcock, Cumsino show was incredible. It's never only smells. Okay, so...

Well, that was interesting. That's it. That's it for dental updates, guys. Unless anyone has one here, they want to share. Alright. Anybody? Dental updates? Going once? You got a feeling today, mommy. How'd it go? You did. Should we notice that you got a... you got a feeling? How many do you have total?

Five. Five? It's not bad. It's not bad. It's not bad. Five and twelve years. How about you? Do you have any? Me?

Yep. You're golden? I'm golden. As in... I have no feeling for happiness ever in my life yet. You have the most yellowest teeth at all. I mean, they're strong. It's from all those asses sitting on your face that says nothing to do.

Let's see if this guy... I want to see if this guy comes again. Hold on. Condition. So, big kids don't quite understand why they won't be there. The threat of a spontaneous orgasm isn't the only thing that leaves Dale afraid to leave home. Sometimes I have an erection for three, four hours at a time, off and on. They just come and go, like, 30, 40 a day.

It's really hard to deal with. So crazy. It's possible to have sex with my wife. We don't very often because it becomes frustrating, because for me, there's no end. Desperate for help. There's no end? I feel like he should be able to find a doctor, dude.

I mean, someone's got to help this guy, right? Yeah. You at San Francisco Medical Center? UCLA? Shit. The chiropractor. The chiropractor, man. He's got a nerve. It's his back, but I don't know if, like, if you're like, my back?

Dude. Well, really not my back, but... You know what the problem is? Is that this guy lives in Wisconsin, and so he's seeing doctors probably there and not coming to, like... You know, he needs to come to California. You are such a fucking elitist. There's no good doctors in Wisconsin.

You're shitting on all doctors in Wisconsin. He needs to come to, like, San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York, Boston. The Mayo Clinic is in Rochester, Minnesota. That's super close there. That's Minnesota. That's not Wisconsin. It's different. It's a different fucking place, man. You remind me of the AT&T lady that I called... My mouth keeps touching this. It's disgusting. Yeah, don't do that.

I called before I went to Hong Kong and Singapore. City connection. I said, do I need a new plan, like, for when I'm abroad? And she was like, yes, and I go, do I need separate ones for Hong Kong and Singapore? And she goes, no, they're both in Japan. Quote. And then I was silent, and she goes,

I'm not stupid, but I don't know geography well. Here's my point, though. Here's my point. The guy that had the... Was it, like, a 500-pound scrotum? Yeah, he's dead. He's passed away now, but here's the problem with that guy is that he lived in Nevada, and he was like,

I've been to all the doctors in Nevada, and they're like, well, that's your problem, man. You need to get your ass on a plane and come to LA or, like, somewhere where they have legit services. I think that's the problem. You don't think Wisconsin has legit... That's practically a third-world country, in my opinion. Thank you.

California's number one, guys. Unbelievable. We all know that. I'm sorry, it's true. That's why you're all here. Best date. Well, we definitely won't get any feedback for this. Thanks.

Best date in the union. Well, then he goes and sees it. I do think this. He goes and sees a sex therapist? Yes. Yeah, that's the best part. And he should be at a doctor for, like, look, I have, you know, I slipped a disc,

and then this started and said he's talking it out, and then he, like, just comes in front of the therapist. That's so great. He's like, ah. Ah. Oh, my God. You just came so hard. All right.

Hey, remember when you told me... I was watching a movie in Fort Lauderdale, I'm sorry, Fort Lauderdale, in the hotel, and the movie was called 12 Years as a Slave. Is that it? 12 Years as a Slave. Okay, let's set this up correctly. I watched 37 movies on my flights to Hong Kong and back.

Okay? Literally every fucking thing that's on there. So long flight. Yeah, so long. So, I watched all these movies. I watched... Did anyone here see 12 Years as a Slave? Yeah.

Okay. It's a really good movie. It's pretty, like, well known. If you don't, if you can't figure out from the title, people talk about the film, and I watched it. It's really well done. It's super fucked up and sad.

And we're in bed the night before our show. She turns on HBO. It's just starting. I go, oh, I just watched this. The first 20 minutes play, and what do I tell you? You go, just stick with it. It gets funnier. The funny part's coming.

Wait. Then I go to bed. I fall asleep. The next day, she goes, there was nothing funny about that movie. No, it wasn't funny. But she was really serious. She goes, why did you think it was funny? I was like, I go, did you think I was serious when I said that?

And she goes, yeah. I go, when I said it, it was the scene after he had... There's a spoiler alert. He had been kidnapped. Yeah, I didn't like that part. He was a free man. He got brought back into slavery, and the guy on the ship that was transporting him murdered another guy, and they threw the body off the back, and I go, stick with it.

It gets way funnier. And she's like, all right, I can't wait to see the funny part. Well, I wasn't expecting it. How do you not know that? Well, I wasn't expecting a full comedy, but I was expecting it to get... Wait a minute. What kind of shit do you think was coming up? I was hoping he would at least get reunited with his family.

And that would be funny? Or meet somebody new. I was hoping there would be a bright spot in this awful... But I was like, it gets really funny to just hang in there. Yeah, it didn't get any brighter. I didn't expect a full comedy. I just thought that shit would get a little better for that guy. And then it didn't.

I had to turn it off. What happens at the end? Well, it's super funny. If you watch it through to the end... No, the whole movie, it's... That's a bummer. Fucked. But the end is good.

Actually, the end is uplifting. You'll like the end. All right, I don't know if I can. You'll like the end. But it's hard to watch. The movie's really hard to watch. Yeah, I can't. It breaks my heart.

Especially if you skip all the comedy scenes, it's really hard to watch. It's hard. Oh, god. Yeah, okay, yeah. Oh, I like that. Oh, jeez. The woman that's threatening our marriage right now? Threatening our marriage.

Why don't you tell people what you said about her today? With two gentlemen, especially what is amaze is I was able to take a really, really hard long penis into my vagina as well as my, what do you call that, rectum? And there is so many adventure within me during this past 10 months. Can you hear what she's saying? She's talking about dicks and stuff. Yeah. Putting the dicks in her butt and stuff.

She's a 63-year-old lady, very nice lady. And she does 60 plus milk porn. And we were pulling the... Technically, that's gilf porn. That's not milk. She's aged out. Yeah. She seemed like a very nice lady.

And I was watching the video pulling this audio and at first I was like, ugh. And she was talking about all this nonsense and I go, you know, in my head I'm like, this is fucking ridiculous. This is gross. She's way too old. And then I was like, oh, but it's weird that I do have a boner right now. All right. It's so revolting on so many levels.

What do you mean? Well, there's... Part of the clip, she's not cute, dude. She's like... She's super cute. Hi. I'm Kim-en. I am a model for 60 plus milks.

I'm 63 years of age. This is my second time around here. And surprisingly, I have an experience with two young gentlemen who have a really, really huge penis. What about the part where she's licking her finger and she's like... Oh yeah. They cut away when she's talking to her going like... So gross.

And I was watching it and I was like, ugh. I still have a boner. So gross, dude. I'm so disappointed in you. I really am. How? Because she's so grody. I know.

I was mad at my boner. I didn't want it to be there. It's not okay, Tommy. It just stood up. What? It was just her talking about dongs and stuff? She was just talking about... And then she seemed like a very passionate and she seemed like she was really trying to

connect with the audience. And she was committed. And she seemed like a nice lady. And she was sincere. And I just, you know... I had nine orgasms right then. I thought about my family dying and I just got it really hard. Are you going to pay for her sight?

No. Please don't. What are you talking about? It's so gross, dude. I'm not pursuing this woman. She's 63. She's going to ruin our life. She's not going to ruin our life.

Don't you ever... Has no one ever gotten a boner they didn't want? Thank you. You didn't want it, really? It just happens. It's your reptilian brain. Yeah. I don't even objectively find her attractive.

I don't even go like what she's attractive. It literally... She was talking about getting two in her and three in her and I was like, that's pretty cool. Yeah. Huh? She should be very proud of herself. Proud of myself.

Have you ever had sex with an older, much older woman? Only when I was much younger. So when I was 20, I had sex with a 44-year-old, so it was 24 years. That's significant. Yeah. And she was not attractive. Did she look like the Thai lady? Oh, this lady looks a thousand times better than that lady.

Yeah. That lady was my friend's aunt and... It was not good at all. Did you tell your friend? Yeah. I told him, not the next day, two days later. We were going to work and I was like, dude, and he was like, did you fuck my aunt? And I was like, yep.

You know what I remember? I drank a lot that night and I remember that... I think, yeah, that makes sense now. Yeah. You drank a lot that night? Yeah. And I was in her living room, we got naked in the living room, and I remember that I was kissing down her chest and when I got to her stomach to go down further, she grabbed

my face and she goes, you don't want to do that. Like, that's a bad, bad place down there. Right. No, I know why she said so, yet you persisted. You put your peanut in her. Well, I didn't, you know... What? It's on his mouth.

It's okay. It's on his mouth. I did, I did put my peanut in her, but I didn't finish because I was so drunk. And then, yeah, I did remember this. The next morning I woke up and I woke up looking out a window and I was like, where the fuck am I right now? You know, like, when you have, like, when it takes you a second to come to... I was like, where am I?

No, actually, I don't know. And I felt... Never done that. I felt a hand on my stomach and I was like, what? And I heard like, hey baby, and I turned and she's right here and she was hideous. Like, she was really... So I was like, oh my God, like, I had that. And she goes, do you want to go again?

And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was like, I'm so tired. And she goes, I'm going to take a shower. And I was like, okay. And I thought I would sneak out while she was in the shower. I go to grab all my clothes. And when I get to the front door, I realize that I didn't drive there and I don't know where I am.

So now I'm like, oh, I have to wait. So I just wait in the kitchen and I see on the refrigerator her kids report cards and they're like sixth grade, seventh grade report cards. And I was like, oh man, like that's when you're 20, you're like that is... That's really grown up shit. Yeah. 80 years old, yeah. Yeah, she may as well be dead.

And then she dropped me off. Did you kiss her goodbye? No, that's the best part. She leaned in for the kiss. And I gave her my cheek. That's gross. Like as in to say, this was a mistake. Okay.

Did you ever bang away older dude? No. You know, I never had a one night stand. A true story. It's, you know, I was really germaphobic. This is a true story. Can I have some more wine, by the way? Oh.

I want Pinot Grigio. No, I was very germaphobic. Two please. Two please. Thanks, mommy. I was super paranoid about disease, and that's the sad truth of it. And I do wish now I could go back

and do college over, because I would fuck everybody. Because now I don't give a shit. You know what I mean? Like now I've been like, who cares? Everybody? What do I got? Yeah, I was so afraid of getting something,

which is sad. It's so gross. I know. I would fuck everybody in this room all at once. I feel like you're saying that just to try to rub it in my face. I am, but I wouldn't really. Not everybody, but there's a list of people.

I'm not proud of fucking, I'm not proud of fucking my friend's aunt. It's not cool. It doesn't feel good. My friend's aunt was not Heidi Klum. She literally looked like, I'm not kidding, she looked like a witch in, like how you would, like a Halloween witch.

Like stuff on her face. She had a lot of problems. It's hot. It's probably hot. It's probably hot. She was hot? She was so gross. And it's your friend's aunt.

You can't ever go to like family functions with him anymore. Yeah, but that's a good thing. You didn't want to go to those anyways. He was cool. Thank you, Mommy Jean. I mean, we're in the middle of something. All right.

Pino Grigio. Thank you. Thanks, meow. Thank you. Have you ever slept with somebody you really regretted? Older guy? Yeah. How old?

How old? Good answer. Smart woman. Just a shrug. I never had older. I had younger. Ladies. You ever sleep with a way, way older guy?

Yes? I will. How much older? Wow. Oh, hey now. Fleet week. Now. Was it like, did you, I mean, did you like him?

Was it worth it? Was it cool? Did you get stuff? Ah. Liver spots on his hands? Was he, now you're 21. He's 50. Oh.

Oh. Liver spots on his hands? Was he, now you're 21. He's 50. Obviously way more experienced. Was he really good in bed? Oh, yeah. Maybe.

Yeah. See, that's the nice, right? Yeah. How do you know already? Ah. No, I've never, I've never been attracted to older gentlemen. No? No.

Because I, I just, it's never been, I like, I like them younger. You know what I mean? Like, like, you know, Latin, Puerto Ricans, young. 20, like 20 year old Puerto Rican chains, Yankee, Daddy Yankee, stuff like that. You're being ridiculous. I'm sorry. Ridiculous. All right.

I can see, that's how you're going to get your groove back, huh? You're going to go to Puerto Rico? Oh, yeah. If we divorce, I'm going to go to Puerto Rico. First thing. Wow, you're really a picture. Yeah. This one's fine.

This one's the killer. Oh, shit. I'm disgusted. You know, when you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican. Yeah. It's ridiculous. Well, what would you do if we divorced? What are you going to do?

Buy that Corvette? I can see you totally getting like a Lamborghini or something. A Lamborghini. Spending all your money. Taking out that Roth IRA and like putting it all towards a Lamborghini. No fucking way. No? No way.

No, I don't do that. I have a fucking 16 year old car now. Why would I? No. You think I would spend it all on a car? Yeah, I do. I feel like that would be your move. No.

I was watching Susie Orman. And there was a guy that called up and he was like 44. Clearly had just gone through like a horrific divorce, you know? Yeah. And he was like, I have $150,000 in savings. I'm going to take out $120,000 and buy a car with it. No fucking way. She was like, boyfriend, you're out of your mind.

Like, well, of course. That's such a Susie Orman jacket you have over here. I love her. I love her. Boyfriend. Yeah, deny. Show me the money. Yeah.

That's a stupid proposal. It's sad, right? That's too much money. What would you do? You would probably, would you just buy a house in Puerto Rico and move there? And then all the. All the, all the dicks are at your disposal. Or Dominican Republic.

You know, I love DR too. Where they show porno on all the TVs all the time. Welcome. Bienvenido a república dominicana. Do you like a porno? Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. All day we show the porno in your room and you can make your effort. I think I would move to maybe your old homeland, hungry, you know.

Good luck, my man. Why? You could live, yeah, you could live pretty good there, man. You really could. Blonde's with big tits. I'm happy. You have to learn Hungarian. No, I don't.

I'd be like, I like your tits. That's all it takes? Really? In a hungry? What does it take? I'd be like, here's one American dollar. That's true. That's true.

I'd be like, iPhone, real iPhone. Buttons. That's true. That's what got me in. That's what wrote me into your game. Yeah. And then hungry. I'd be like.

Egan, egan, egan. You're so stupid. Oh, boz make, boz make, boz make. They would never date you, dude. They would so date me. Now with your whack windbreaker and your beard and stuff. Dude, why are you talking shit? No way, man.

You date me. I date you. Yeah. You're like, they would never. You went for it. Yeah, well, I guess. What was I taken by? I think you were so charming in those blue eyes.

All that cum in your beard. Look at those eyes, lady. Oh, he jumped rope at his birthday party. Yeah. So Tommy Buns, what year were you? You were 25? 25. It was his 25th birthday.

I was 28. God damn it. 25. I know. And I went to your 25th birthday party. 35 was 10 fucking years ago. You were so hammered. He was so hammered.

He was jumping rope in the bar in Hollywood. And I was like, this guy's awesome. This is the man I'm going to marry. So you just gave me my fucking setup for hungry. I'm just going to go there with a jump rope. What's up, lady? What's up? That's what's up.

OK. I think you brought your jump rope. Jumping your rope. We got a lot still. Do you want to do this, mommy? Mows? OK. All right, sure.

You got some? I got it. This is the greatest. Give it to me. Here we go. All right. Oh, you're really playing that. All right, guys, it's time for what you rather.

Let's play. All right. This one comes from Brock. Brock? Obama? This one is really, it's really weird that we've never. You ain't my bitch, nigga. Buy your own damn fries.

That's the prize, man. Barry, it's kind of weird that we've never actually had this one before. What's up, shirt? It's kind of crazy, dude. OK, would you rather have to always wear your jeans high and loose or low and tight? Holy shit. What is this guy, fucking Einstein? That might be the ultimate, would you rather, right?

High and loose. High and loose. That's horrible. Or low and tight. But the thing is, you can't walk low and tight. I'm wearing it right now. I'm wearing low and tight. It sucks.

He's saying fucking ankles. Like you're... No. Like we're at cut your belly. Fucking handcuffs. No, it cuts your stomach, like mine right now. So low on your stomach, so you're like, I'm gonna shit, like all the time. Yes.

Or high, but you're holding them. When they're high, you hold them, you just... Like what? You wear a windbreaker? You wear your windbreaker. That is so fucking rude. I feel like you just look mentally ill if they're high and loose. And you keep pulling them up.

Like that guy on 56 up. Yeah, I got it. I'm gonna go with high and loose. High and loose. Because you can always put a belt around them. You can breathe, you can eat a lot. You can't wear a belt. Well, it doesn't stipulate that.

I just made it a rule. No. Wait, I can't wear a belt at all. No, you gotta hold them. That's what I'm saying. It's gotta be super inconvenient. Look, if they're low and tight, you can't maneuver that so that it's no longer low and tight. That's what it is.

So these are high and loose. I mean, that's the set. He's nodding like, yeah, makes sense. Okay, well, just for utility's sake, I have to have my hands free and stuff. No, you don't. Look, I'm really fucking serious about this. What are you saying? I'm saying you either deal with them being high and loose and you're always pulling them

up and grabbing them. I don't like that. Could you get that for me? I have to hold my jeans up, like stuff like that. Or they're low and tight and it's really inconvenient how tight they are. You're like, I would love to have another grape, but they're so tight, I can't fucking breathe right now. No, but I need that.

That's good though, you know. So that's what you're taking? I'm doing low and tight now. I'm doing high and loose 100%. What the fuck, man? Look, low and tight is super uncomfortable and inconvenient. Nobody wants to go through life. But you can get your life.

You can get your life because you're going to have your hands free. You can get on the bus. You can put the dollar in the bus. Agree to disagree, madam. All right. How about you guys? Who's doing high and loose? Clap if you're high and loose on your jeans.

Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. I really appreciate that. I don't understand. Thank you. Okay, who's with me on low and tight? Thank you.

Obviously. Losers. Obviously. The low and tight people are the doers, okay? Oh, yeah. The doers that are doing do-do all the time because their tight ass jeans are on. I'm so disgusted with you guys. All right.

Are you ready for another one? Sure. This one's just for me, but you guys can play along too. Oh, it's specified that it's just for you? Yep. I would rather for Christina, but it's for everybody. Would you rather have buttery corn on the cob teeth like Tom? No, no, no.

Look at them. They're really yellow. Show them your teeth like a dog. Show them. They're so jagged and yellow. They're like little tic-tacs. What the fuck? We have the whitening kit.

He never uses them. Or, this is great, only be able to use swears like... God blesses a nigga. Basically, if Tom's buttery teeth or only use swears like the big words. Yes. That's so hard. Listen, this is not... You just can't swear.

Well, this is just for you. No, it's for everybody. No, but I'm saying since they wrote it, let me see. No, I know, but it's still for everybody to be able to play. Would you rather, all right, only be able to use... So does that mean that you only talk in swears or when you swear? When you swear, you can only drop the end bomb, which will ruin your life.

That's so crazy. Hasn't ruined yours yet. Wait, what did I say? Hasn't ruined yours yet. That is, I don't do that regularly. That is in the context of the show. Please, I know. Could you imagine?

You stub your toe and you're like... I'm not saying it. Big words. Big words. I have to take your buttery corn teeth because I swear. I could just whiten your... You could just move. Move?

Mississippi. Oh, who's the elitist now? Hello? My family's from Mississippi. Are they really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I know your dark past.

My top dog's parents are from Mississippi. I'm going to take your buttery teeth. And Jane, you know Jane? You know, oh my God. Fuck it. Oh, not... This is Jane. Oh my God, seriously?

Oh my God, you guys are so disgusting. She went to Ole Miss. Well, what are you going to take? Have your teeth like you have? Am I going to have my teeth? I'm not going to have my teeth. I'm not going to have my teeth. I'm not going to have my teeth.

Have your teeth or say the N-word all the time. Or just always offend everybody in a room ever when I speak. Wow, I don't know. I think I'll just keep my fucking teeth. All right. Clap if you want Tom's yellow buttery popcorn teeth. Clap if you want to say the N-word all the time. Big words.

Oh, okay. Black eye, black eye slapping. That actually is a really good point because if you're black, no one gives a fuck if you say that all the time. That's true. I do think it's really funny when sometimes on radio shows or Oprah will have a rapper on and she'll be like, you say the N-word and I think it's horrible

and they're always like, yeah, that's cool. Does it offend you when a black person says it? No. No. I always find that to be like... Aw, thank you, sir. What's that? Doesn't offend you when she says it?

Thank you, sir. Because you know what? The intent? There's no malice. Oh, my gosh. Okay. Sounds like you're on the witness stand right now. I did not.

I did not. I did not. I did not. I did not. I did not. I did not. I did not. I did not.

I did not mean anything by it. Jeez. Can we please change the subject? I'm very uncomfortable. Okay, this one's really good too. This is from Matt. Would you rather always be on the verge of sneezing or have a constantly itchy butthole?

That's a really good one. I know! And I tweeted this and the feedback was remarkable. You'd be surprised. Let's see. What did you think, sir? Sneezy? Yeah.

Butthole? But it's constantly itching. It's always itching. I feel like for the... Always on the verge of a sneeze is... You hate that more. You would do everything like that. You'd be like...

Can I... Oh, a glass of wine? But you would get used to that sensation. Yeah, but everybody would be like, should I give you a second? All the time. But to me, there is no sensation more awful and urgent than an itchy asshole.

The urgency... Like, when that itch comes, you better fucking scratch it. Yeah. Like, you're not doing anything except scratching your asshole. I feel like this question could be rephrased. Go ahead. To be like, would you rather be on the verge of sneezing all the time

or have Tom's asshole? Because my... It always itches. I'm scratching it 23 and a half hours a day. Really? Are you being serious? I get the butterfly, yeah. How much do you scratch your butt?

Like, honestly? No, I actually have a... And this has nothing to do with him, but I've always had a paranoia. Like, a real paranoia of having underwear like what Top Dog has. Yeah. Like, I have a paranoia of that.

So if I have an itchy ass, like, minimal, I go sit on the toilet and I get toilet paper. Yeah. Like, that's how paranoid I am of, like, sticking fucking underwear up in there and going like... Like that, like... Yeah, but some people itch with their bare fingers.

Fuck you. Oh, I know people that do. Who? Clap if you scratch your butthole with your bare fingers. Come on, you animals. I know you're out there. That's code for I scratch my butthole with my bare fingers. Not me!

I do not, but I have a friend that does. Smell. You got all kinds of brown under those fingernails. I don't even scratch my armpits with my bare hands. Oh, I do that all the time. You do it all the time. But you do the one-handed, you go... Like a chimp.

But you love that. You're like, that's not your turn on. You're always like... It's so disgusting. You're like, I'm so turning on right now. I have nine orgasms. My dad's dead. I...

Licking that. You keep putting it in your mouth. Yeah, it's so gross. I would definitely take the itchy asshole, though. That's crazy talk. Dude, on the verge of... That's the worst feeling. Yeah.

We had a fight over that before. Remember that? I hate when you're like about to. Somebody goes, bless you, and you're like, fuck you. It didn't happen yet, and you just ruined it. Yeah, because he demands total silence when he's going to sneeze. Like, the world has to stop. Everybody has to like...

Hold on, everybody. Tom's going to sneeze. You know what? Thank you. I'm going to scratch my asshole and put my fingers in your face. You will. That's what you do anyway. What would you take?

Sneezing, yeah. I would get used to it. Really? Control it. Did we get this vote already? All right, clap. A sneezey asshole. There you go.

Cheers to that suggestion. I like it. Hold on a second. All right, clap if you take the sneezes. The sneeze. Clap. Perpetual sneeze. Okay, a little lackluster.

You're going to walk around life. Like that. Work all day. You got those papers, Sam. You're like... All right, clap for itchy butthole. Wow. A lot of itchy assholes out there.

Yeah, because you can be like, yeah, I do have those papers. Hold on a second. I guess my itchy asshole is way more persistent and severe. Like, when I get one, life stops. I got to scratch that asshole. Oh, shit. We got to go. Okay, okay, okay.

Well, let's play this thing, man. This is like the fucking biggest thing ever. Oh, shit. Okay, yeah, we saved this. Okay, okay. Guys, main premiere. All right, so give him the backstory before we do this. Premier.

Yes, premiere. We saved it just for this show. We're going to wrap this up. Real talk. So, you guys know Peter Cain? He's the worst. And he talked mad shit. You know what I'm saying?

Mad shit. Peter Cain, the dog trainer, talked shit about Christina. That's what's up, Bill. He talked shit about Theo. Yeah. Yeah. And people have been like, where's the rebuttal? What's going on?

What are you guys going to say back to him? We talked some shit. You know, we like to talk some shit. You want to talk some shit? We'll talk shit with you. You want to talk shit? You want to talk some shit? Yeah.

Well, Obi-Wan Canole, who made the Theo Jam, has blessed us today. This morning. Just this morning, it came in with a Peter Cain song. It's fucking. It's amazing. Here we go. We'll play it. We thank you all for coming out.

Thank you, mommies. We love you so much. Yes. Thank you. We love you, Jeans. We'll be there, by the way, if anybody wants to say hi. We'll be over there. We're hanging out.

Say hi. I did bring one thing I brought. So I think the last time I was here was out. I have my DVD, CD, completely normal, double pack thing. If you want one, you can get one. If you don't, if you want to just say hi. Fine, let me just collect my own fucking DVD. I have this drawing that I did of Tom during dinner.

If you want to see that too, I'll show that to you. You guys are going to love it. Thank you so much for coming. All right. Here we go. You're going to want the song. Obi-Wan Canole produced. Here we go.

Peter's Day. Peter's Day. I also make some art. Dead baby elephant. I can say whatever I fucking want. I'm Peter's Day. The biggest pussy. I love feel hugs to all.

I'm Peter's Day. I also make some art. Dead baby elephant. I can say whatever I fucking want. I'm Peter's Day. The biggest pussy. I love feel hugs to all. I shit on myself.

It's disgusting. It's gross. I don't want to wear diapers. My brown say hello. I'm sad my fucking head. I can't control my aggression. I ripped a woman's arm off. Reverts me as eccentric.

You don't like art. Man what a dick. What the fuck does it matter with you dude? Like I give a fucking shit. I love being a racist. Fucking redneck intellectuals. Get the fuck out of here. I don't really care what your opinion is.

Christina said mean stuff. Like brilliantly mean stuff. I'm getting all emotional. Man what the fuck. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. Sorry. Okay.

Fuck no. Oh. What emotional state. I love smoking crack. And Hennessy's Swiggin. And I love Mom's House podcast. Don't you get it? I'm jealous of Susan Mline.

Christina and Tom too. Jeez. Jeez. I love you. I'm Peter's Day. I also make some art. Dead baby elephant. I can say whatever I fucking want.

I'm Peter's Day. The biggest pussy. I love the ohogstable teeth. I'm Peter's Day. I also make some art. Dead baby elephant. I can say whatever I fucking want. I'm Peter's Day.

The biggest pussy. I love the ohogstable teeth. I also make some art. I can say whatever I fucking want. The biggest pussy. I love the ohogstable teeth. Alright. Yeah.

Well done.