Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Live From Seattle with YOSHI-223-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 21, 2014

YOOOOOOOOOOOshi! Oh my goodness. He's back - the most downloaded man in YMH history was the step mom in Seattle when Tina couldn't make it. Sadly, the audio isn't great. BLUEBAN'S fault. But it's still worth a listen - why? Well, it's Yoshi. There's no description that does it justice. He covers all his hits: AIDS, assault, murder, kidnapping, racism and more! You ain't ready.

All right, don't fast-forward this because I have an announcement to make Excuse me, so this episode was recorded live in Seattle and this is the one that Yoshi came up for There is one issue with it and that is that I recorded it at high levels, which in turn made the audio Not perfect and it's very disappointing More so to me than probably to you, but there's really nothing I can do about it Normally, I wouldn't release it. You know, there's a little bit of distortion throughout So like if you listen to it loudly, you would definitely not be able to listen to it But Christina just got in late. So there's just no time. There was no time to put up a

New episode for tomorrow. We'll have a new one up on Friday That is the announcement. So I hope you can Get through this. He's so great that I didn't want to not use it But that's kind of my issue with it. All right That being said, there's some other stuff An amazing amazing humongous thank you to everybody that

went to The shows at go bananas in Cincinnati this weekend the the club is great the crowds were amazing Jeff Tate was amazing Carl Spraith was amazing the whole the whole thing was just awesome. I just absolutely love that place So thank you many things real quick

Let's see June 5th through the 8th. I'm at the Brea Improv Brea, California. I got the full charge with me Matt Fulshron June 12th through the 15th San Jose Improv and I have Jeff Tate then I'm on denim and then June 26th through the 28th. I am in Buffalo, New York at Helium All other days. There's a bunch more at TomSegura.com What is the local show? Oh, yeah, here's a crazy lineup May 27th, which is next week

I'm at the bootleg Hi-Fi. Is that right? Yeah in Silver Lake 730 show Lineup is Dana Gould David Keckner Tom Papa myself Jackie Cation Joe Bartnick I'll tweet out that link again That's May 27th. I'm doing the hot tub show June 2nd in Silver Lake and June 11th I'm doing meltdown in Hollywood. So if you're in LA, there's that Christina

As you've heard on other shows is doing She's good to go now. So there's no don't worry about This taping thing. It's a it's all it's all settled now. So You can see her June 6th in Portland at the Fun House June 7th the rendezvous rendezvous theater in Seattle So make sure you go support her June 6th and 7th

Portland in Seattle. She would love that please go to our website your mom's house podcast com and Go through our Amazon banner to do your shopping on Amazon, whatever you were gonna get. Please get it through there By the way, we we also have a bunch of stuff to address from our last Streaming show all the the the Kogo stuff that's on Friday's episode. So the delay, of course, I apologize for but She just hasn't been here. So it's kind of hard to do anyways a

million apologies for this Audio problem. I still think it's fun to listen to the episode because Yoshi is just he's one of a kind man There's not anybody really like this So I'll leave it at that. Please enjoy live from Seattle with Yoshi Yeah, oh fuck yeah How are we doing up there? All right good. All right. Can you guys hear me? I?

Just not really feeling good I'm serious, and I'm not feeling the fucking energy Let's have some fun, you know Let's do it. Can we get some? Okay Sweet Yeah

That's what the fuck I'm talking about Yeah a lot warmer that fucking came from you know I'm saying All right that mics not good Let's see. All right. We got sound so you'll notice there's an empty chair Somebody has loose jeans Loose low jeans and stupid blonde hair She shouldn't porn this week and Those gangbanks where yeah, you know I mean

so I'm here. I came up alone. I was in Denver Yesterday, it's funny. I forgot and I was like Telling them, you know I did the show there. I had a friend there. I was like oh, I'm going to Seattle tomorrow, and they're like Seattle That's right. Yeah see ox Be smooth. All right You're fucking in game chance

Weirdo No, I Had a great time there, but this shit is fucking awesome Oh Oh a quick announcement that I don't want to forget from Christina that we didn't announce on the show for whatever reason We didn't we forgot because I'm stupid and and stoned is that She will be coming up to do stand-up one night only June 7th at the rendezvous theater. So make sure you go see Christina P

Anyways, yeah, she would love that you should go support her I have a very very special guest host Some of you know some of you don't know but Let's welcome him back to his home town. He's he's this was the first place he landed when he finished karate training and He's here put your hands together for the one and only Yoshi Oh Hello, hello. All right. I'm sorry. I'm Asian. I don't even know how to use this thing Can you translate the fucking song for us, please? Why I don't know any of my music by the way, it's great to be back in Seattle. This is where he's from

Oh, wow Seattle have the best white people yes, I agree Philadelphia worst white people all right That's right. We have Philadelphia has just gross people of every race Well, they see me work at you know, National District all the time. So oh nothing. All right You you know that your episodes have more Downloads than Bill Burr when he came on the show It more than Jules been coming over those are registered six offenders Many many thousands

So wait a minute you escaped like the labor camp and then you How did you come to Seattle? Why here? My mom kidnapped us Night March 13th 1980 your mom kidnapped you me and my brother and I didn't know What is that was that that's one of our sponsors all right I Can't see So you're by the way your brother who's named what Yoshi, okay?

Who's the blood with all their names you fucking told me you're like well I'm Yoshi something and he's another Yoshi and it's too confusing for white people. Yeah, so Like we're the fucking assholes When you know you have the same fucking name Well, it's yeah, okay, so your mom kidnapped you you gave a date March what 13th 1980 and and then we landed in SeaTac and because my mom told me we're we're okay, so just what happened My mom told me we're flying from Osaka, Japan to Tokyo, Japan. We woke up 10 hours later in Hawaii And I realized there's problem there

And then that's when she told us where my parents were divorced. She that's how she told you. Yeah, that's fucked up shit, man Wait, do you did you resent that way of telling you like hey? I you know a fucking Yeah, I mean I was really confused and how old are you when that happened? I think 10. Yeah, okay That's a lot then two days later. We landed SeaTac and my mom says see you and she left So we were living with our relatives over here and the problem was she threw up like a deuce like all right, man Yeah, as she smoked weed and drove away Suckers so anyway, we're working a swish job by then and Nothing wait, you're 10 at the time. Yeah, and

We have I'm okay, so I'm my have a Japanese name, but we're ethnically Korean. Yeah, that's what's me up to yeah That's up my white brain a lot Yeah so My family over here were all Korean they speak Korean in English Didn't speak any Japanese and you spoke Japanese only and then speak any English. So I didn't know what the fuck they're saying to me So we were you know, we were trying to figure out what's going on. Yeah, how'd that go? Well, that was the biggest problem. We were living in Brampton, Washington is a naval town and they hate Japs there and

Like I was I was getting beat up every day and and Jesus You know in Japan, they don't teach you history so When they teach World War two basically America dropped bombs in Hiroshima Nagasaki But they don't talk about all the other terrible things the Japs did. Yeah, right? So when I come here, I'm like, I call them Japs too. Yeah Yes Because you're paying me

I'm the biggest racist you had it on your show. Oh, I fucking know Yes, it's not you know, whatever. I just think the Jews are great. All right. Oh, yeah, great Okay, okay, I'm sorry so You're getting beat up By whitey every day Do you speak any English when you're when you're getting beat up? No, I didn't know but well first of all the Japanese word for Japanese are Nihonjin or Nipponjin, right?

So when they're punching me call me Japs. I don't know what Japs were, you know, and But it was mostly like whites, but a lot of Filipinos too. We're beating you up. Yeah, they were punching me and say That's for baton death march and like I'm getting punched in the face, right? And I don't know what the fuck that was and Well, I learned history quote quite fast after that, you know, so yeah, well, this is a Debbie donor. All right Well, I just I think everybody's like why don't you just throw one of those stars and just end that shit So they're five dollars apiece so I can do that So the flips are going they're beating you up and then

flips, yeah Isn't that what you all right? I don't know Is it at school or just like in the neighborhood it was a neighborhood like they will have these Filipino kids their grandfather go pick up that jab Jesus Christ, right? This is 1980. It's it's only been what? 35 years after the fact there's plenty of people still alive in able town and they definitely hated it and Honestly, what did what the Japanese did to those servicemen quite deserve it actually? I like your honesty That's what everybody likes the most. Yeah, I don't even know what they did, but I'm like just like it's bad But just give us a little taste what do they do

What do you mean? What did they do? What did the Japanese do that? There was terrible that what they would want retribution for? well Fucking lot of torture murder. I mean there's a lot of rape and Problem is I hand I gave a few Germans a lot of credit. They have meant all the I What wow What You can hit that's all you want to talk back to her

Because she looks like she's got a gun anyway, um, I'm not joking. It's not a Sunday night. What are you talking? It's Friday It's Friday you're two days off All right, sorry that threw me off a lot. Yeah, me too All right, let's what do you say we do a proper show open does that sound all right? Oh Are you taping now are we taping now? Yeah, what do you think we're fucking doing? Oh, I don't know I Said this is prep work prep work Dude that we've been taping. Okay, go. Oh

Now you're gonna let loose yeah, all right You fucking stop What are you doing all right? Here we go. Okay. All right This is my bonus technique the grapefruit Normally you can only get this technique in one of my classes But I want to share this with you because I believe every man should get great food it when you great fruit your man It's gonna feel as if you are giving him head and fucking him at the same time

No better feeling what he ever get than being great fruit it To this Oh All right Fuck yeah Live in Seattle welcome to the show My special step mom Yoshi is a guest hosting If you didn't recognize the voice that was angel from angels fallatio secrets

Here where is you here? I Don't believe you I think you know her very well. You don't know her really. What does she look like? Like she's got a lot of cocks in her mouth. She's got No, she's actually a very nice looking. I don't know. I was think like late. No, probably like mid 40s black woman What Is there a bus you're waiting for or something right now What are you talking? All right, so

She gives she gives Instructional videos on how to give better blowjobs, okay, and except they're not like Porno videos she uses like dildos and the whole idea. She's like, you know trying to really like coach Women into giving better and the videos took off. We actually had her on the show Yeah, she came on our show and You know, she's this is her put your dick between your legs That's her telling you like telling a lady what to tell her man But why did you get her get her on the show because she's awesome. No, no, but

We're trying to give indirect message to your wife. No, I actually asked her if she would blow me directly. I said, oh That's smart will you give me a blow job and she was like no She's amazing at it, so is she is she into CIM I Don't know actually. That's a good question. I don't know. Did she tell your wife to do that? She did not tell her anything. She was just like, you know blow everybody all the time Is this her chocolate and gagging you know All you need to do is do this

She's Instructional she's just giving lessons but but she's but is she into coming mouth? I don't know if she's into come in mouth I'm just saying ladies if you want your boyfriend and husband to be a better listener You want them to throw garbage away be nice to you and listen to what you have to do then you need to swallow I'm telling you. I'm just telling you. I believe you Don't disagree with you Or punch that'll use your do it Works in Asia

If I can beat you up, I can't get hard. Yeah, thanks. It's true. All right All right All right, so I'm gonna throw up. All right, so This is a new bonus technique that she released. It's called the grapefruit technique. Okay, and I'll just take you through it with of course angel You know working us along the way here. We got what you need to do is you need to of course have a grapefruit Thank you. I want to make sure you get the ruby red. It's sweeter. It's easier. I don't know that the brand matters

I But Ruby red. All right, you are allergic to grapefruit or can't use a grapefruit for your medication You can always use a large navel orange. What is grapefruit a problem with medication? Is that ever an issue? I've never heard of like a great food allergy. What's that? I Don't know are you with that? Okay Tom okay, I already know what's gonna happen hour and a half from now. I'll be fucking their mouth

And I don't even I don't even have to choke her so wow I I don't see you saying She likes a smack yeah, yeah, you have an eye for that don't you you're like I could fucking come close to killing her, okay? All right, can we get back to what's important? Yes All right, the grapefruit now what you want to do is make sure that the grapefruit is room temperature All you have to do is put it in warm water. Do not microwave it. Do not boil it If I told you to make this room temperature would you like I'm gonna boil this for a while All right fucking dummies

Then once it gets to that temperature all you need to do is roll it The reason why you want to roll it is because you want to juice it up a little bit the roll it by the way She shows you is she's just taking it on a table like that literally rolling the grapefruit I don't fucking know juice here the better and what you're gonna do is you're gonna find the navel There's two navels to the grapefruit once you do that You're gonna place it on the plate and then they was on the outside You want to take a knife and you actually want to cut one side of that navel off So you should have a grapefruit that has two sides missing just like this

Now what you're gonna do is you're gonna put a hole in the middle of the grapefruit Approximately the size of your man's penis Do not make it too big do not make it too tight just approximate you better be really good At cutting dick sizes into fruit Right like she's like don't make it too big don't make it too small don't you fuck this up Like I couldn't size my own into a grapefruit right now I'd be like I think that's the right size and then I'd be like oh, no, that's way bigger hole than I got I'm a little confused so so so what she did was she took the grapefruit room temperature. You don't microwave it. Yeah

and then There's two navels on either end of it. Yeah, you slice those off. Yeah, right? So now you have a grapefruit with two ends missing and now she's instructing you to cut a hole in the middle To put the the dick through yeah, yes Yes That's the whole fucking video I know I Don't know I much prefer those. What do you call this toilet paper?

tube, right Then you you fill it up with warm rice Because I'm Asian and Is that an old Jap trick then then you could just fuck it. You know what I mean? Yeah You've done this for real. I believe you that you've done this. I mean, yeah Am I the only one I? Think it's really no fuck up Spent toilet paper roll with the rice and you fuck it am I the only one yes motherfuckers

When you're that age you'd be fucking anything with the holes in them I Don't know 13 14 15. I never I never really was like creative. I was just like this is always working so Let's go back to grapefruit What you want to do is you're gonna take the knife midway down and make sure it goes all the way through All you want to do is make a nice hole in the middle of the grapefruit now if you take it and make it too big That's okay because you can always squeeze your hands like the muscles of your vagina And if you make it too tight all you have to do is take your finger and push the flesh back It's just grapefruit now when you grapefruit your man. He has to be blindfolded. There's no ants ifs buss about it

Oh How are you gonna say and ifs buts fucking I want to kill her right now It's ifs ands or buts That's so out of sequence I can barely listen to this shit anymore Doesn't that upset you like if you were talking to somebody and they were like and there's no buts answer ifs I'd be like whoa Whoa, wait what? What are you fucking like ethnic Korean living engine? Why would you learn to talk like that? I

But it is weird right do you did you catch it? Yeah But I mean what's weird to me, you know, it's weird you or no not really no Okay, ESL just fucking listen If you came to the bedroom with a grapefruit, what is your man gonna say what are you gonna do with that? Is it gonna burn and all that other things so you don't want any of that so this is what you do say baby? You know what tonight? I want to do something a little freaky here I want to suck your dick blindfolded your man will blindfold himself if he knows you don't get some head so now That's true, right?

Especially if coming mouth is coming alright Your band is in the bed you have the grapefruit already prepared under the bed he smelled the citrus in the air He thinks you have on some of the Victoria's secrets or something wait you look confused. What's up? Okay, you know what's going on. Is the picture painted for you or no? Yeah, okay? Alright There's no idea and what you're gonna do is be a woman of your word now You have to get his penis erect so what you're gonna do is just suck his dick. That's like you said you were gonna do Oh Once he's nice and she did that super casual by the way

Like it's a big fucking she's like and that she's like and then now he's ready to go Just wait a few minutes, okay Act what you're gonna do is replace the grapefruit from your mouth You're gonna twist up and down on his shaft and suck the head at the same time You all right, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. Do you want to go get a grapefruit? All right Now ladies remember grapefruit is also a fat burner, so you actually losing weight while you suck in his dick That's right, Angel, right reinforce that complex. That's good. You need to lose weight girl keep sucking dick

Now once you're doing this technique it feels amazing to him, but he still has no idea what you're doing So what you want to tell your man to do is this take the black fold off He's gonna be looking at you like what the hell are you doing? But he'll never say stop all he's gonna be thinking is I could have been fucking a grapefruit all these years And that's the way through technique There you go, Angel Angels fallatio secrets if you're interested and there's a good produce market a few blocks from here on your way out spice up your evening

How did you find her? How did I find her? She found me man. I mean What's your go-to move do you have a go-to move in the bedroom? I feel like you've you know, you've been with a lot of ladies like you're really experienced So after all that do you have like this is your move? What I mean, they're hookers. It's a little different though. I Mean like after the money's exchanged like what do you do? Next well obviously you take your clothes off and

And she should come up maybe we should demonstration up here. No. No, no, no stop it shut up Because first I'll punch your stomach and Right Okay, I eat the ass and pussy all the time. I got nothing. Yeah, there you go Why do you ask him you already know I guess it's fun to talk to you about it So is your it's really the fun parts trying to haggle the price and stuff. That's the fun part Because you know, we're football fans. Yeah, I feel like I'm Richard Sherman of a prostitute buying guy He's the

Prostitutes, yeah, I Know she's trying to rip me off and she knows I know that I'm you know, I'm trying to get a better price We trying to outsmart each other, right? So you're looking at it like it's a fucking cover to defense. Yeah She's covering her number two right Shut up. It's delicious. All right Okay But that's the fun part isn't it like trying to figure out if this one is trying to rip off and

When you meet as many prostitutes I have you you really get a feel for them. You know what I mean? Yeah No, I believe you it's you could tell by the energy from the girl like what's gonna happen I mean if she said yes to everything most likely she's not gonna do any of it that she claimed she's gonna do no, seriously It's a really no, I don't do that. That's the girl you want to negotiate Wait, if you're saying yes to everything most likely English is her not her first language So she goes punch your face. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's a problem right there Can I kick you down the stairs? Yes, that's a problem Because soon as you go in you give the money she's not gonna do what you say and what are you gonna do like I

You know when I went to Amsterdam and got hookers and stuff like that and this is yesterday Everything once they don't once you go in and pay the girl and she doesn't what you say. There's no recourse, right? I went to the cops to complain about it. They don't do anything about it. They just like sir We don't deal with that sort of problem. Well, thanks a lot Yeah, I'm a fucking upstanding citizen and Let me hear her ass and she's been she won't let me right so Now it seems like Can't you just offer a nice lady at a bar like hey, can I eat your ass like isn't that a nice offer?

Does it have to be a prostitute? Procedures so much better There's something about giving the woman money to have sex. That's what you get the arousal from yeah mix fucking my nipples hard Everybody in Seattle act like there's no prostitute here like am I the only one Yeah, thank you. I Used to drive up all the time where I have to work in taboo video on the world Avenue There's hookers all the time You don't know what that is do you know? Okay? I see that it's a local reference. Yeah

You could go Vancouver, Canada Richard and Seymour those really wonderful roads in Canada. There's hookers walking and never mind Yeah, there's hookers you get hookers here in Seattle. I'm I'm never done them in the States ever well 85 in Long Beach when I 85 When you're 15. Yeah Jesus Christ, I was walk. This is like second and third day in Long Beach. I was walking by this black girl say You want to blow Jeff with 20 bucks and I Was like Yeah, this is Long Beach in 1985 when we just moved to Long Beach and

and she had those big fat lips and Well, you know, she's black anyway, um I went back and I had change of like 1965 I was short 35 I had to run around the house looking for pennies to stop, you know, you gave her loose change. I'm 15 or 16 I don't have $20. I'm not white. I Went back a little back with $20 and change I Give it her first blow job ever and I have my pants down in the alley and getting blow job in an alley

And within a minute her pimp came down down the alley when I'm kick me in the ass I fell down and looking to my pocket looking for money and they just took off I had it just a little bit of like 10 seconds 15 seconds 20 second baby blow job and And but then now you're chasing that dragon the rest What's that that's a German guy with beefy nebs Oh You're not kidding not kidding. Okay. Yeah, you said you wanted your nipples your nipples got hard. Yeah, all right So

the one thing I feel like An amateur in the hooker world. Yeah, I go like you say I You eat their asses. I always go like damn like pussy, too You eat hooker's pussies and I think most people go like, huh? Here's the thing Tom not a drop of eight not a drop of eight none You know how many hookers I got nothing. I never STD nothing This prove is my point People who get that shit because they fucking deserve it

And obviously I don't I Never had anything you can't you can't so is that too much? Like I don't get anything. All right, so an angel just got their wings, you know, that was People who get that shit deserve it That is fantastic, all right Wow, so Here's a lady. Did you see this lady who had a non stop orgasm? Yeah

Here we go This is in the hospital She sounds retarded she's not she's She was hospitalized because she she had basically a never-ending orgasm Wait, that's a problem Well, yeah, actually it is. I mean like how good does it feel to come? Right feels great. And if you go, oh, this could go on for a while But the truth is like after a few minutes you'd be like we got it. We got to knock this off like yeah

It's really feels good. But I you know I need to live and Do things later. So Wow I don't know yet how long does it take before it How long go did you get it now 20 minutes? Maybe about 15 Like the summer happy before The guy is so happy

He's like recording it and she goes, what'd you do to her? He's like, I just did my thing like I just did my thing And The best is they're like listen to what the doctor the die you're in the hospital and you're like I'm having this problem Here's what the doctor says She's at two hours right now two hours Way past the I'm cool with this point like About two hours

Two hours Yeah, we fucking heard you dude two out. I got that's what I'm saying two hours my dick I don't want to sweat it out You're so funny. I wish we could help you I wish we could help you And then it goes on or the doctor's like so did that volume kick in yet and the girl's like, uh I took it a while ago and the doctor's like, uh, yeah, then That's it. That's all I got I got

I gave you some volume and then she tells her she goes, um, yeah, I looked it up. You know, we were looking up just like Never ending whatever orgasm and then our our computer got a bug So anyways, sorry And then she's just like keep doing keep making your fucking Do you ever really impress a hooker with your abilities? Um, what do you mean like I mean like I mean, they're not there to have sex I Well, you know, I mean, it's not a personal enjoyment for them. It's just the work

Just work. Oh, they're happy soon as you're done to get the fuck out of there. Yeah, you know, but you like them Some of them sure once I become friends. I send them christmas card and, uh Birthday wishes send them shoes shoes Hooker's love shoes They really do I mean, but then again, what women doesn't you know, yeah, women love shoes. Yeah, women be shopping Christian Louboutin, do you send them Louboutin? No, I don't Jesus Christ. Thank I'm asian. Um So did you take to the um, like when you got here you're getting Beat up by philippinos and white people

Um, were you like I got to get back to japan like were you just like waiting to get back? No, because That's probably not true, but at the time what what my family told me was basically Your dad don't want you back And you're ethnically korean So if you go back you can't go back to japan you'll go back to north korea Say didn't even say south korea like who told you this

My um, my cousin what the fuck is wrong with him? I haven't spoken to them in about 14 years Jesus christ, so they told you and your brother this yoshi part two. Uh, wow Sounds like a porn no, I don't I don't know how much my brother remember, but um, most of the conversation went through me and um You just didn't know why were they so horrible to you? Why was wrong with them? But that's that's normal. That's how most asian people are So asian people are just terrible people is what you're saying. I don't think they're good parents You don't think asians are good parents. I don't think so. This is like a generalization like it's a blanket statement asians are not good at being parents

I don't think asian asian parents want you to be Happy, but it's a conditional happiness as long as you do what they tell you to do first. Yeah, so you know if you My brother's a professional skateboarder and I used to be a pornographer in comic That's not something that asian parents are looking for, you know, huh? I mean I remember well, you know, can you imagine? My mom had to explain to her friends What did your son do like this one would say my son is a lawyer This one is the doctor. This is an accountant and engineer and I used to work for but man

Yeah, they probably didn't just not gonna go for that man, so but man No, but I don't think I don't think happiness is the most important thing for asian parents Do you think that you pursue happiness now like is that important to you? Do you do it makes you happy I like being content You like being content In other words, I want to as long as i'm doing what I want to do them. I'm pretty Right. So you pretty much take that

Point of like you do pursue your own happiness Yeah, yeah, and are you Well, I mean, isn't that what you're supposed to do as american? Well, I think just it doesn't matter what country you're from. I mean, but I'm telling you this really makes me sad I believe you're long enough to know that We live in a free country and most people refuse to be free They they make all sorts of excuse to have obligations or families or friends or whatever And they don't do but I mean every time we do the one of these things tom

I'm sure you have people saying I want to be comic, but you know, you hear shit like all the time Well, fuck you don't have to tell me you want to be comic. Just be a comic. Yeah, and just do whatever you want to do I mean if if that's what you want, of course, but uh, wow fucking silent. All right, uh No, that's I think that's a very true and powerful and very Too many yeah Too many people in this country is too comfortable But at the end of the day if you want to look at yourself in the mirror and say am I happy doing what I'm doing Most people are not you know what I mean? Yeah, and like you guys should do what you want to do

Unless you want to be a fucking child rapist or something like that. Don't do that Um, right. That's a very good footnote to add to that. Yes. Don't rape people Don't rape people. There's so many quotes that are just Mwah A red diamond fortune cookie today. All right Don't rape people People who get aids deserve it. Yeah like that It's fantastic. All right

um I feel like this is a pretty what I Feel bad that Christina's not here. All right. Um, oh, I feel bad. She would absolutely be eating this shit up right now Uh This is a pretty progressive city and state. I mean you guys sianas wonderful. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty awesome No, seriously Very underrated world city right here

I I fucking love it man ever ever since the first time I came here They have a great sense of humor and uh, very smart and uh, yeah in in general. I think people in seattle is a very, um Supporter if you want to do something, you know, I believe it. Yeah. Yeah seahawks Oh Actually, thank you for saying that because that's what I was trying to ask you earlier When you got here and you're and you're getting the shit kicked out of you Are you gonna masturbate to that? I'm not well. Yeah, all right

Yeah Do you Want to support local teams like are you a fan of the local teams right away or did it take time? You know what I mean? Because you're you're meeting local assholes. Obviously. Yeah So are you like fuck this city or do you embrace it? You you have to embrace sports, you know what I mean right away Oh, if you're if you're immigrant That's what you need to do first really absolutely because you know people say

English is the official language of america. It's not it's sports It's about competition winning and losing this country is all about winning and losing And when you go when I go places like europe They don't understand why america is great because we're all about fucking women, baby right here Greatest country in the world But I wish the japanese didn't own the mariners they have the world war two mentality. It's shit. I don't like this losing Yes No, it's not acceptable

I want a guy like george steinbrenner type a guy when he only a mariners because This losing after a while you just get comfortable like it Acting like this is normal. It's not it's not acceptable. Seattle deserve to have world series championship right here And fuck the funders I am sick and tired of that team because we just need we need sonics back in this town Oh Yoshi for mayor yoshi for mayor All right, because I ain't going out like that. All right I knew I didn't want to give you give a shit about getting beat up and stuff like you know, what's my traumatic thing

All right, thanks. Oh shit. That's your brother right there. That's yoshi everybody Professional skateboarder All right, thanks. All right. All right. Thanks. Thanks. We're all By other yoshi, yeah I love sasaki. He used to cheat on his wife all the time and uh, I love that you love that Yeah, because he will come to my mom's restaurant belview and he's every time I see him he's with a different niece every time and uh I

Love it. He was good. He's good at pitching and cheating on his wife And these are very important things to you But tom going back I'm You know getting beat up was a big deal for me seeing that motherfucking matambo on game seven on the fucking sonics key arena I'm I'm I'm I'm I actually still gave me nightmare thinking about it But I look this town deserved to have an mba team And uh, you know, I mean I was mad at the fucking uh starbucks

I really was I was mad at them, but the drink is so delicious. I could only avoid it for like a day But the city needs sonics. We need a hockey team as well and um And sounders. They're fantastic. So we have a great fans. This is like, um by far the best mls city right in america, I feel absolutely and And But having said that I I really was surprised with um Superbowl I really thought seara's gonna win it by three points, but that is the beat down that that was That was Hiroshima Nagasaki and Fukushima combine one

It was like, oh my god, it made me It gave me a heart on every time we beat to shut up paint manning. It just that I like manning But I I you know, I was that shit made me have been fan since 1979 for god's sake. Look at that Yeah, that game was completely ridiculous to watch As somebody like who's just kind of like, you know objective viewer didn't really have like You know really a team in the game. I was watching the Superbowl. I was like, this is fucking this looks like a pre-season game like It looked like a starting team playing like third stringers It was really it was really weird to watch man. Like I did not understand. I was like it looks bad

It looks like one of the gang bang movies I used to edit, you know, I'm talking about I mean it was a much better way of describing it. It is It was like a gang bang you guys It was like the Broncos were one hole maybe two and then there were 11 dicks. She's like Ah I will put triple X and O right? Um football rep is nothing. All right. Um Oh man, fantastic. Um, so Very progressive city. I don't know if you know about a very progressive country

Called uh, Uganda in Africa Um, where it they love gay people there. Yes It's illegal to partake in homosexual activity and well, I'll just let him explain Good morning, everyone. My name is pastor dr. Martin Semper I'm here in the capacity as the chairman of the national task force against homosexuality in Uganda There's a task force We are making legislation to make sure that Sunday and homosexuality Never sees the light of legality in this land of the pearl of Africa

I've taken time to do a little research to know what homosexuals do in the privacy of their bedroom One of the things they do is called anal leaking where a man's anus Is he leaked like this by the other person? He's So that includes if I'm making a check. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he's at a news conference This is like a real like a professional setting for Uganda. It's not like our shit, but like Table there's cameras. There's a bunch of people as he says Anal leaking he said they go like this and he he went like that and he goes

To show them this is after his research, okay Like ice cream and then what like ice cream So There's the best is that a guy reminded him of that a guy in the background you can't hear he goes like ice cream He's like like ice cream. Yeah Like he needed that reminder That we talked us over if I forget give me my notes like ice cream Happens even poo poo comes out the other the poo poo is out and then they eat the poo poo. No

That's do you always do you eat the poo poo? No, I'm not german. Jesus I The other one they do is they have a sex practice called fisting Where they insert their hand into the other man's hand and it goes all the into the endless all the way And it is so painful. They have to take drugs, but they enjoy it Well, yeah, drugs are fucking awesome. So Why would you not enjoy that You do drugs marijuana. That's it

Um Well, I don't want to repeat myself, but I don't know. Do we talked about this? Well, I had a couple of friends visiting me in Japan 23 years ago and my eyes were itching. So I went to their bag. Yes. Sorry. I saw I saw I found a vising I'm just dumping vising my eyes. I didn't realize until Five hours later. It's it's all lsd. So, um So I guess I use lsd and um, how long did that last for I know we talked about how long did it last it just I was fucked up for like 19 hours at least. Yeah

Were you crying? I mean, I was I was jamming in and um, I didn't know it. Yeah Yeah Wait, this is how I got my green card. All right. Um, how scared were you? Were you scared? Were you so scared? Yeah, I didn't I didn't I didn't know anything about drugs, you know, so I had this really gay pants I had this pants with the patterns of ladies on my pants. So I'm taking a dump and look down I saw hundreds of ladies dancing on my lap, right? And I thought I was having mental breakdown or whatever And I actually went to those area in the Japanese home I have this one area where it's not a prayer room, but where you worship your ancestor

So there was a picture of my grandparents and ancestors, right? And like I went to their room like I was pretty naive, you know so like all of a sudden my grandmother's fucking talking to me and telling me it's how much of an asshole I am and um You know, I just imagine you just wanted to clear up your eyes. Yeah You're like, I'm dying. I'm dying right now. No, I I'm not a really drug guy, man. And uh Another time our good friend Joey Diaz. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, of course Diaz, Diaz lived in sienna for many years. We used to do shows in Kirkland fucking rent him parameter What was he like back then? Oh same same motherfucker, man. Yeah. Yeah, that's uh, he's non-stop and hey motherfucker and uh He's he's great, but oh shit

He said that on a flight that I got on like a month ago Like I don't know if you know the the etiquette for boarding a flight, but it's usually not going. Oh shit like like I was like, whoa, who is that like I walk on the plane and I hear tom sakura Oh shit And you see everybody in first class was like With Joey they're like, is he supposed to be up here? Yeah, totally. He's like I got edibles. I was like, all right, calm down like

I was opening for him in braya improv down in southern california. Yeah, I walk in and um relaxing It's my favorite. This is my favorite story of all time. He told me to smoke a joint which is why I could smoke a little I'm fine. He's hey motherfucker. Have some of these banana breads, right? Like oh, I am hungry. So I ate I'm hungry. I ate I didn't eat anything all this. I ate two-third of the whole bread And Thanks, Joey. He was just laughing the whole time. I don't know why and um

15 minutes I go up and I think within five or seven minutes to it I start floating in air, you know, I mean like I see light flickering everywhere And I'm like, oh, this is what you guys mean by getting high, you know, and uh And all night Joey D was laughing and after the show I couldn't drive because everything's just shifting around, you know, like, you know, I didn't know what the fuck to do So I I went to my car

I tried to drive. I moved maybe a half a foot. I could know impossible You might as well drive during the you know fucking Fukushima thing, right? Like there's like waves of shit coming at you So every hour and a half Joey will call me up and all I hear is that fucker just laughing at me He doesn't say are you okay? He just laughed You know, I mean you're as responsive as I am. I'm not going to drive me run over someone. I'm not going to do that. So Six seven, I don't know how many hours later. I'm just freezing middle of the night in the fucking parking lot I finally drive out of there. I'm hungry. So I went to like jack-in-the-box or something. So I order something and then

After I order I can't find the area you get you, you know, you pay. I just keep trying I can't find where you're supposed to meet the people because I don't know what's going on. So I I've drove like eight nine times and Where the fuck is it? And uh Did they did somebody come out like hey, man, what are you doing? Like did they Yell at you? No, they were just like What the fuck they just had this look like what's going on like I like I don't know what's going on You know what they probably like this guy's foreign. He doesn't understand. Yeah

Just doing circles and finding my yeah, and uh But you know what I mean, even if I got pulled over I don't think I've ever gotten trouble drunk because you know Compa probably wouldn't believe that I was high like Asian driver, right? It's like yeah, they're like just here's a fucking another one. Yeah Yeah, he he did the same thing to me just so you know more recently he um

He gave me an edible. I don't learn my lesson with him. He gave me one at a live podcast in in LA on a flight he gave me one And uh, and he did the same thing where like we boarded the flight together and then he kept looking at me and going Oh And I was like, uh, I was I was fucking freaking out and then the thing that was crazy is that he just kept eating so many Like it was he was eating decadosis like And I and he was like, yeah, so and just talk I was like shut the fuck up like yeah

Saying crazy shit to me and last one was I had a toothache In the morning and I want to go see dentist by kund I had a group of japanese animator visiting the states. I have to drive to vegas. It's the whole time. I'm driving these motherfuckers I'm having toothache. I need three days later. I finally got like two root canals so I wasn't a lot of pain And when I got to vegas, no one had weed no one had painkillers So that was the first and the only time I ever did coke But I didn't know how you're supposed to do that

And um, I guess you're supposed to rob the area. Is that how you I'm not familiar actually. Oh shut up I'm not I'm really not I thought you're from bolivia or something Aren't you I'm half peruvian, but my mom doesn't have coke at home. Okay Sorry, she doesn't care about you. That's true. Yeah No, yeah, it ain't no. Did you did you rub it on? I just I I thought you just snored and you'll be all right. Is that what you did? Yeah Oh You're like my tooth hurts. I'm gonna do a bunch of coke right now. Yeah, then do shit start bleeding little and that's it

Oh my god, okay Let's eat the poo poo. No if we have any children, please step out This is a parental guidance moment. Hey that child can book the room has like 45 people He talked about Eating the asshole and fisting and now he's like now the kids should leave the room I Moved out. So I've done research This is what they do. Number one you can see a man here

Having the exactly other person's rectum And the other person is pooping and this one is eating the poop all over the place Tell me when you have a law against homosexuality. Do you say except eating? You can't make this shit. This guy's a real person Stephen Fry flew in Uganda and talked with that guy He did yeah for bbc How did it go? It was really uncomfortable because halfway through the conversation

Stephen But you knew I'm a homosexual right and like you should see this guy's face Like if the camera wasn't there, they would have killed this motherfucker right there No, no, I mean people in Seattle. We were very progressive We should complain about Uganda because they would put gay people's name on the front page of newspaper and have them killed Yeah, that's what they do and um I don't know what to fuck like It's not cool. I was trying to find the funny side. Okay, sorry

You're like, oh, let's fucking start a petition. Yeah Yeah Change the org or I go ahead He's showing pictures of of he did his research by downloading a thousand movies And now he's showing people Huh? Hajat We do not want the sickness. This is sick

And it's therefore deviant. We do not want it now They start off by touching each other's genitals and smelling each other Then this one smears the poop all over the other person's face as if that is not enough He puts the hand deeper as Africans We want to ask Barack Obama to explain to us Is this what he wants to bring to Africa as a human right to eat the poo poo What can he say shit poo poo sounds funny, I know that's why we're playing it Barack Obama do you want us to eat the poo poo?

That'd be the best fucking gay rights campaign like a rainbow it says eat the poo poo like that Sign up for that shit in a second, man How did you find him? People I mean some of the stuff we stumble on this was sent to us. We have uh Your fans in Uganda Ugandan fans No, people send us so many clips like sometimes we put clips on the show And then someone will be like I said that to you six months ago. I was like dude. I fucking well, sorry like I just

We have like a thousand unread emails you keep doing that you fucking savage It's okay Is that you that's fantastic. That's cool. What a nice lady You're the kind of lady I get down with you know, I mean Letting out that big belch What are you drinking there lady What happened to the what happened to the homeless lady that was up front earlier what happened to her Yeah, what happened to her did she get scared at uh, Yoshi's threats

It's not a threat your promise. I'm sorry Now let me ask you this You've been with all these lovely ladies. There's lovely ladies everywhere. Yeah, will Yoshi Find love will you find a girlfriend? Will you date? No Never well, I mean, I don't know. I'm homeless right now There's girls that'll go for that Yeah

You're really homeless How do you think I've been living last two years? I don't know couch surfing. Yeah, really? Yeah, I mean I had an option to move to San Jose. I had a place to stay. I could have got a regular job But problem is I make just enough in LA. I could survive but I don't have enough money to Find a place right now But you know podcasting during stand-up. I like show business stuff That's the sacrifice you have to make if you want to live down there, you know, yeah, of course

And you know, Tommy. I mean a guy like you Diaz Rogan Ryan Reban and Christ you you guys always been good to me and give me jobs and stuff like that but I'm so filthy. I just can't I can't get gigged. You know what I mean? Like even Jim Norton's manager told me like It's so dark the audience were exhausted

And I'm opening for Jim Jim think it's cool. You could say I could say whatever but His manager told me like by the time I finished getting off the stage. They were so like Exhausted by you know, I do jokes about the Korean ferry boat operator. I do, uh, you know Fukushima joke, Chow rape joke, punching retards, you know, uh Kicking old ladies down the stairs, you know what I mean? And stuff like that. I'm still smiling. I don't know what the problem I don't know what the problem But most people are not going to support that until you're big enough named and they'll come to you But you know, you know how this if you didn't dirtier to stop it just people

They don't want that really I feel like they're just not being they're just What's that That's ice JJ fish. He's talking about same shit. You're talking about man Stop hating. I think you're hilarious. I think everybody people think you're hilarious. You have fans all over. Well, thank you But it's I I also want to thank our good friend Russell Peters Yeah, his crowds are really clean and like for years he'll let me open but even in his book he said it was just like sometimes

The audience gets so upset, you know, like I did a cosplay show on May 4th May the 4th for star wars gangs and that Probably half a dozen girls just ran out of there. So they were so disgusted by me. They were so upset They were so upset And uh, you know, I mean, it's not that I do that on purpose. I I generally find those kind of humor really funny Yeah, but it's not for everyone and you know, I understand clubs have to make money So they're they're they're not in business of upsetting people Well, I guess maybe I am but um But they're not cool like your audience. I say all this

Terrible weird things. They're not weirded out. They know half of the time. I'm joking Half half But the hooker stuff is true. All right, um No, but you know, you guys are the very few supporters your fans, you know Christchurch and things like that, but most places don't like that to stop at all so new places like do you do shows and then like Do like club owners and managers come talk to you about it? Are they like, hey man that set you just did was not cool I almost got arrested in sweden

Because I was away three months in europe, right? I was doing shows And evidently in in sweden, you can't verbally threaten people. I didn't know that Because they'll be hickling me and I will say like shut the fuck up if I bust your jaw And that's considered as a salt in sweden. Are you serious? Yeah And I did rape I did rape jokes and they some they consider that sexual assault And like I have a lot of rape jokes, you know what I mean? So, um, a lot and um So So

And let me let me here's another uncomfortable thing I do show at san diego comic con as a panel, right? Yep So chris go who runs the show He always threw a curveball at me, right always asking me like he gave me all this question He's gonna ask me but he always fucked with me and just asked a bunch of other questions He wasn't planning to just fucking me up. So I have theory on women's fantasy with

Women have some women have a rape fantasy Yeah, so he starts there's kids in here. So send you a comic on but he'll ask well our answer if you ask me that question This is good. Yeah So it's not that when we want to get raped and I'm I'm don't rape people, all right, um Yeah, don't don't do that you guys But some women have a Obsession of the rape fantasy, but they don't want to say that so how do they explore those feelings?

By reading vampire novels, right? Because if you look at the language the vampire will like, you know He the vampire ravished her like, you know, the vampire flying into women's bedroom middle of the night Seduce and like ravishing rapper clothes off. Well, if I slick my hair and walking some bitch's bedroom middle of the night Rapper clothes and did the same thing. I'm fucking rapist Right Yes, but ladies, but if it was like rubber patent suit and twilight like oh that's sexy. He's so dreamy, right? So as I'm trying to explain this theory of mine

Asian curry who won America's top model was sitting next to me As as I'm explaining my theory and she goes well, I was raped. Oh boy Did that get a big chuckle too? Yeah And that made me immediately really hard and uh I'm not kidding. I was so hard when she said that I feel terrible, but maybe hard Because she's sitting next to me I don't mean to I don't enjoy people getting killed in freeway, but I just didn't want to fucking look. Um Yeah, so there's kids in there

We're talking about rape at this lady getting raped from the fucking hundreds of kids in there and I have a hard on and You know, anyway, I'm coming back in two months and you go comic-con But anyway, um Did you announce did you announce you had a hard on because that would I really I should have said it but like even I thought like fuck. That's not kosher and um That's not kosher. I don't know why but I don't know why I bring juice to the picture, but um Holy shit. Yeah, but what are you saying when somebody say that next to you? Oh go. I have a hard on right now. Yeah

Let me come on your face right so, um I know It is time to fill her up and This is totally your category. All right All right, fill her up sealer shot. Seattle edition Oh Yes, I don't remember this. I got some good ones for you. I'll give you Uh two men and two women you tell me who you would

Choose prefer to fill up and seal a shot with your load You look confused it's hypothetical you're gonna show me mention two guys I'm gonna pick one of those. Yeah, and you gotta take me through your logic. Oh, okay. Okay This is like a game of thrones when that kid occupied that guy's body. Sure. All right Game of thrones so much better than porn, isn't it? I don't know you don't watch that. No. Oh my I don't Can I can I Okay, this makes no sense to you No, no

My there are so many rape scene that show I But my favorite rape scene from game of thrones When king jeffrey was dying And jamie lannister was fucking his sister when he was right. Oh my god So good dude, you should tour with that. That was good. I love that All right, I'll start watching. Okay All right, paul allen

The co-founder of microsoft owns the seahawk. Yeah Yes, or mario batali. He's born here the chef Who would you rather fill up and seal shut take me through why paul allen why? He owns seahawks He's sick I don't care. I want to just chicks face with that billion dollar dick. You know what i'm saying But mario will cook you something up real nice He uh, he wears those crocs probably to bed

No, paul allen's crocs. He's got that nice ponytail. Like he looks fucking nice But I think he had a stroke too. Who did batali? Okay Fucking more power to him dude He had he took he had that stroke. He's gonna more likely Sorry But this paul allen have he have something I think he had a form of cancer No, I thought he had it. Uh, didn't he get sick with lodgkins and foam or something whatever He has a one of those funny cancer a funny cancer exactly

Is this what you do at your show? Call on cancer or something. No, I don't think so. Does somebody know does anybody know? Does anybody know what he had Who cares? Thank you, sir. That was really nice All right I think actually The owning the seahawks is cool Because he can give you access

Like fuck on the 50 yard line. Oh, yeah You could you could fuck them In the locker room with all the seahawks around you like cheering and like You know like cool stuff like that. You can't just do that. I'll give you a tooth man right here. Yeah Exactly Well, let's pull the room who would choose paul allen owner of the seahawks Who would choose celebrity chef mario batali? Oh

I'll get some oh, okay. You see how it works It's a good game. All right. I know where you're going with this one, but I'll ask you anyways Would you go for amanda knocks? Do you even want to hear the other name? Oh that that killer pussy is the best way to go Who's the other choice the other choice god damn it. I just lost her Um, your wife. No, she's not from here Oh, she's good

She thought that's a moment kid gianna michael's Oh Oh, she's a porn star Gianna michael one of the greatest tits all time in porn She only had two jobs working porn and used to work with dicks. I'm not even joking. She used to work with that She worked she it's a burger joint in seattle. Okay That's a tricky one because I have grabbed gianna's ass and tits before

Hmm But then you got that murder pussy you were talking about It's funny you you pick her because I I was in italy three months ago. I went to perugia Where she Supposedly didn't murder someone there and uh, I think that was like 10 days before She was convicted for the second time wrong, right? um It's hot stuff. I know yeah

Is your If she was fat ugly chick, no one would give a fuck about this case, right? Let's be honest here No, yeah, I agree and she's very typical like uh hipster seattle slash white Privilege kid because first thing she did when she was accused of murder. She blamed it on the black guy She did she blamed it an american expat living in perugia only a bar that guy did it The chocolate face did it all right and Holy shit, she did she blamed on a black guy. He was completely innocent. They blame it on some other black guy He's in the prison now. Yeah

No, it's gotta be a man to knocks She I could tell she's nasty. Yeah, she says she's yeah, I would take some of that. She's beautiful And she speaks beautiful italian now that threat that whole time when you're having sex you're like am I gonna die right? Yeah Think about the extra adrenaline you'd be like oh and then you'd like right as you finish You'd be like this is that she's gonna stab me right now And then you knock her out or whatever you do you think you think she's guilty. Do I think she's guilty? I don't know man Whoa

I don't know. I really don't know It's a it's the there's so many complications in that case like it's not as clear and cut and dry That which is why you can have your doubts, you know, I'm not a hundred percent on board Either way with that. I just don't feel like the I can see the argument of obviously for her being guilty, but It wasn't clear cut enough. They fucked like they're italian. They fucked that shit out You know, I mean like that investigation they need to send over the fucking first 48 to take care of that shit Yeah

They need like sergeant Mahoney from Memphis like sweetie, we need to talk to you right now like They fucking they went from their you know They're they had like pasta and they were eating it on the scene and like just tripping over shit Like they did everything out of whack. I I I think she's innocent. You do. I do think she's innocent. Um I think there's this obsession with beautiful women I Men murder men all men murders all the time. Yes, but when you see a woman supposedly murder someone it's just such an enticing story

Um, I mean, let's be honest, you know, uh, I used to live in Tacoma, Washington Ted Bundy's mother was there. I saw her in early 90s living down there. We have a green river murder We also had that fucking guy in Vancouver chomping up hookers. How dare you and feed him to pigs Uh, how dare you? Yeah, don't kill hookers. Um And who was other fucking? Um, there's a lot of serial killer shit up here and yeah, you know, we we do it's a progressive state yeah, um A lot of creepy way guys we did we yeah, you know and um But I think I think she was innocent. There's a lot of superstitious shit in Italy. They just want to present her like this

Foxy noxial that shit and uh, yeah, it's um, but I she act a little weird But I think she was nervous, you know, but um, you know, I think if you get murdered of accused of murder Second day, you shouldn't do cartwheel making out with your boyfriend middle of the street. That's probably not a good defense strategy You know what I mean? I mean tactical, man. You got to take your fucking, but I think she was innocent all right fine Um, all right, we actually we're gonna wrap the show up. Oh, yeah Oh

Who are you sealing shut who'd you choose you took a noxie a man a nox? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Who does the room choose a man the nox? What about gianna michael's the porn star? He loves it Um, amazing tits amazing. She got killed in the movie piranha. Remember her they they eat. Well, go ahead. Okay Uh Who What what they said somebody said something about game of throngs right there

Oh, no, no, they just ate her like a lower half. That's it Yeah, now he wants to fucking see it and you ruin it for him. That's what he's saying And to answer your question. Yes, I masturbated that. All right. Um Um Are there any audio drops you want to hear? Okay, okay, okay, Jesus christ All right Oh

Wait, when did you talk to my mom? That's gonna knock her in the head one day out here beside the garage because she called me young retarded I was gonna knock her in the head with a claw hammer Oh This is amazing retarded. It's so retarded Returned Returned Returned

Thank you. All right. All right, I gotta find him Oh Okay, all right. All right. All right. All right. His paper is stuck in butter. Oh, no Wait, what's this one? Oh, no Oh, this is this is totally your wheelhouse Okay, hold on Where does it hurt? I have a bad case of diarrhea

I have a bad case of diarrhea. I have a bad case of diarrhea Is that the first song you learned as a kid Tom yes, that's amazing because Six months ago. I have to give Lecture at Institute in San Francisco. There are people in her room filled up. It's filled They're taking notes when I'm speaking. Wait. I thought you were homeless. You're giving lectures. I'm giving I'm giving lecture And I'm giving lecture room for all people at six study at this institute, right? And my dad always wanted me to want me to become a professor, right?

So this was such a sweet sweet dream to give lecture room full of uh expert They're taking notes and I have to explain to them the difference between japanese and german ship porn And they're taking notes We did it daddy because uh, this is amazing. They're taking notes for me. I'm giving lecture the difference between the two ship porn, right? I mean, yeah So I know what you're saying to yourself. What is the difference? Here's the thing take a notes kid Yes, listen guys. This is important Germans Like shit. They're like like chunky monkey. So when you take a dump it kind of stick on you Germans like that kind of shiced

The japanese like smooth frisbee shit Kind of baths aquarium chest. That's a big difference And they're taking notes and as I'm speaking This is american dream folks You know what i'm saying, um, oh, yeah greasy All right You guys are good. You're hard to keep up with No, they really are easy

Didn't greasy Yeah, i'm not all over your fucking way That's my sister mariah My that's a big cock This is my sister. Oh my god. It's fucking huge. What about this one? Oh my god, I've never had a black one before Black oh blast my fucking day. Yeah blast my fucking day Come on man. Shit on my face

Was that from that lady sitting in little while going to front What's the other one somebody said Oh, no, you wanted uh, oh here. Orson. Ah, the french champagne Uh, the french champagne has always been celebrated for sexless What's that Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, Jesus Okay All right, i'm gonna find it. I swear

Fuck with my ass, man Fuck with my ass, man What's oh wait, what what what go ahead go ahead go back go back last one What was the one before here, what is that the coach oh, oh never mind All right Oh All right, um All right

Here, let's see what he says I'm not just like a lion. I'm like a fucking hybrids saber two tiger from the prehistoric. It's food. It's meat. It's time to feed the brace Well, what I do when I'm on dates with different ethnicities or whatever what I do is I just open myself up to them and I feel their vibe and I give them What they want And what they need I like to get a woman down And just take her down like a fucking lion takes down a fucking gazelle and a serengeti

I don't know where he's I don't fucking know where it is I went to my brace page. I don't see it. I don't see it What do I all right, what do you what do you want to hear from him though? His what? Oh, no, I lost it Hey, buddy, it's top dog Hey, buddy, it's top dog Hey, buddy, it's top dog

You need to write down It's top dog Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, I could do that Asian cleavage Okay It's like Multiple choice You sound

Are you okay? I feel so free. I can't believe I'm laughing this hard. There you go. Um I One more. Okay. I also got Or would you rather All right But do you have a would you rather your Oh shit. All right Okay

Fine No Too late I'm kidding. Jesus. I'm not All right What Do you did you play would you rather when you did our show? I don't remember. Okay No, this is like tv show everybody knows I know what the fuck it is

I'm I'm jumping into the archive right now. All right Do you know lie it away great fans? They're the best absolutely the best All right, I'm not gonna call her She's shooting fucking yeah No I got like angry fucking tweets from people. I know she's fucking shooting last comic. All right. Good luck Fucking DVR the season and then have fun never saying her on it. Okay All right, here's some would you rather that just came in are you ready? I'll give you

Yeah, how does it work? I don't remember. I propose would you rather this or that you just I had to pick one. Yeah, you got to pick one Yeah, I can tell why would you rather that every time you take a shit You have to share one square of toilet paper and you can't wash after You mean share with another Yeah What do you mean share like with another they used it and I have to use that yeah, yeah Are you making that are you changing that? No, I'm not I'm reading it share Or every time you shit a stranger has to wipe your poop shoot

It's an easy one But someone hasn't decided yet No, but who is is that a man or woman what she looked just a stranger Then I got a share What wait why Take take me why you why do you wait you're saying my choice is either share a toilet paper with somebody Share toilet paper or or you're just done shitting and he walks in and is like Wiping your ass

And you can't with with the shared one according to this person you can't even wash this and he's wiping my ass You can stand you can stay seated That's not a very defensive position man that having somebody wiping your asshole If it's a chick, I don't have a problem What You don't have a problem with what you're saying either I share the toilet paper or so I have a third Somebody out a stranger wipes your ass It's easy. What are you talking about?

I will share the toilet paper. No, why? because First of all, you're sharing toilet paper right So like I wipe my ass and I'm like here you go Would it would that bother me let me see yes Why are you asking me if you don't like my answer? Well, I just want you to fucking really think it out. Yeah I mean we're talking It just depends on the person using that toilet paper. No, no it doesn't

It also stipulated you can't wash like you have one square that you share right And you're still like yeah, where's the bad part? Yeah, so Or it's just a stranger That wipes your ass for you Is it really that hard? I have to think Well, you haven't been to india it's shit everywhere Why don't me the whole country smell like shit india smell like shit and gang bang. That's what it smells like Read newspaper. I love I love that there's an asian guy talking this shit right now because

Like if it was a white guy saying we'd all be like you got to go man. No, here's a thing. Here's a thing Why people you need to start not giving shit people calling racist and stuff right because that's how they intimidate you and this is not a country full intimidated And people call me like your racist and You don't have to worry about that shit anymore. You don't and you're not a real american if you're not a racist. Let's be honest Asian people don't like other aging people. What the fuck do you think of how I feel about latino black and white people? It's like you know, I mean like yes, I 100% Jesus went around and said love each other. They killed a motherfucker made a fucking no kia. I mean that no kia out of that

Motherfucker because he says stupid shit. You're not supposed to like people Hating people. It's the normal response. Yes. Sorry. I know you have to go to church tomorrow It's tomorrow sunday like she said. Oh, no, no, no Sorry It is in asia. All right, never mind. I don't know whatever So you prefer this all goes back to first of all You deserve your aides Be racist racist is good to be announce your racism

But most importantly, I don't see how you can't share a square of toilet paper depends who it is Depends who it how does it depend who it is? Amanda Knox if it's Jennifer Lawrence, I wouldn't care. Yeah, you want her poo poo. You want to eat the poo poo Yeah, I want her poo poo. Yeah I'll have her sign it why Let me get straight the first 85 90 percent Go ahead go ahead. No, I mean you heard me say all kinds of weird shit all night. That's the one that were you guys out

honestly All right I'm not even going to ask you guys your response to that one because it's a fucking thousand to one. Okay So dirty and disgusting Well, can I can I respond to that? Yes quickly? One of the uh dirty and disgusting One of the guys that I have so much respect in porn world is a guy named jamey gallus You have so much respect. He is the mickey mantle of porn

The mickey is growing ass and she said I need to go to bathroom and before she walked away jamey gallus say When you come back make sure you don't wipe your asshole And I have so much love and respect for that guy. He's the ben slombardy of porn right there What's his name? Uh jamey gallus He is the most kink is the most perverted guy ever. I met him I was cock struck by the guy when I met him in new york I really seriously I I mean this is like meeting fucking richard prior or laurence olivier if you're an actor Uh, if you're a computer guy meeting bill gates, you know what I mean?

jamey gallus is shit and I have so much respect for the guy so That's violence. All right, um Look it up jamey gallus All right Did did she come back with a dirty asshole? Oh, yeah, he he ate her ass out and fucked her now I'm not even kidding jamey gallus He is a pervert IQ of fucking 200. All right, so all right

Would you rather have your two front teeth loose all the time? Or lose them once a year Fuck you eric for sending that in I don't fucking know once a year Okay, here's a here's a relevant. Okay. Would you rather have the guy from let's get social What's that? That's That's that's this guy Oh, it's a band. Okay. Yeah, it's a beautiful it's a beautiful fucking band and

He's with you every moment of your awake life. Oh my god Or or Every time you have sexual thoughts You hear And no one else can hear it I rather have that the latter the second part Then this dude Who would you rather have would you rather have a guy social guy with you all the time like going? Or every time you're like she's got nice tits

That's acceptable to me. All right All right We got it. We got a roll. Um, you guys are the fucking best. I'm gonna be yes We're gonna come we're gonna be over here saying hi, I have um, if you want you can just say hi We have a limited number. I brought some uh Jean's unit shirts And some bikes shirts too

So, uh, we'll be over there in just a few minutes. Thank you. Seattle. You guys are the best Thank you so much Seahawks Oh Shark week, it's a bad week