Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Live from the Ice House-217-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 25, 2014

Stimulate our minds, Jeans! The Ice House is always bumpin when 2 Mommies wearing denim decide to sit down for some greezy time. A great crowd filled the room while many more watched it streaming online. This live show has amazing audio, mommy confessions, intimate talk, Fill Her Up and so much more! We just opened a new denim processing factory because of this episode! 

Testing, testing, microphone, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, yeah, it's Friday jeans, it's Friday jeans, pull them up, pull them up, you're gonna hear a good show now. Well, we got live from the Ice House for you, it's gonna be a great, great episode, we absolutely had a blast doing it. Thank you to everybody again that came out. Right now, I'm in the great city of Cleveland, Ohio, if you're in that area, please come out and see me, that's the only time I'll be in that part of the state for the rest of the year, I will be in Cincinnati in May. Um, but, Cleveland, that's it, so come on out, please see me tonight, tomorrow, Sunday, I'm there. Um, next week, we are going to be in Vancouver, British Columbia, we're doing the podcast Wednesday, April 30th, at the Comedy Mix. The rest of the weekend, we'll be doing stand up at the Comedy Mix, but one night only for the podcast, that's Wednesday, please come see us, it'll be a fun time, I promise. Then, the podcast continues live on the road, we are doing it in Denver, May 8th, at the Dark Star Lounge, May 9th, at the High Line, in Seattle. Both of those, you can get those tickets online, we have the links up at the new site, yourmomshousepodcast.com. Please check it out, please get tickets to come see us, we are very excited to come and see you, bring some friends, let's make it a really, really fun couple of nights. Jeans, I know you would like to tell them about this weekend Addison.

Yeah, guys, I'm sorry, I had to cancel my week at the Addison Improv, it was supposed to be April 24th through 27th, for legal reasons, I cannot say why, you'll find out later, but I might just apologize. Well, you're not arrested. No, no, it's not that, it's something I'm working on and I'm just not allowed to say what it is. Entertainment related, and they make you not talk. It's a non-disclosure thing, so I can get into a lot of trouble for telling you. Right, but just know that it's, you know, it's legit, it's a good thing, but you just can't say anymore. Yeah, sorry guys, I apologize. But please come out and see us the rest of those times, and also June 6th, 9pm at the Fun House in Portland, Oregon.

I'll be doing stand-up for one night, you can get tickets on my website, ChristinaKami.com or yourmomshousepodcast.com. Yeah, buddy. All that dog, and then trying to think if there's anything else to add. Oh, guys, check out the new shirts for, it didn't greasy. It's crazy. It's Bananas, it's on our website, the brand new Revamped, yourmomshousepodcast.com. Pick up a shirt, shipping's included in the cost now, and they're awesome shirts, they're high quality, so soft. I think this is the softest shirt we've ever done.

They're Bananas, and they have women's cuts, we have all the way up to super big dude cuts, so there's 4X, and then there's like, I guess there's, this is the first time we actually ordered girls cut. Yes. So like if you're a girl in a lady cut shirt, that's what they say I guess in the t-shirt business called the girl cut. Yes. So it's specific, we did that specifically so that girls could get a shirt. Yeah, it's about time. A little more catered to your body.

Your feminine shapes. Yeah, so all that, please check it out, yourmomshousepodcast.com. And if you're going to do your Amazon shopping, please go through our website, it helps support the show, and if you're going to go to Amazon, go through our banner so that, you know, we get some chump chains from it. Yeah, yeah. Chump change. Well, you know, we get a little kickback, we get a little kickback on every purchase that's made through our banner. It adds up, it helps support the show, I just bought a bunch of equipment so that I could make by a mobile studio.

Yeah. So yeah, help us out, it'd be great if you did your shopping through there. That's that. We won't keep you along with this stuff, but we appreciate you supporting the show, listening to the show. This was so much fun. We went to the Ice House the night before Easter, and so many of you came out and a lot of you tuned in from around the world at the Kogo streaming. Streaming, what is it called? Kogo.tv.

I know, streaming. Live. Streaming the show. Yeah, it was a blast. That's that. Yeah, enjoy it. Enjoy it. This is an electric night.

Electric. It was really fun, really silly. Yeah. It was a good time. Thanks guys. Enjoy it. Welcome to the legendary Ice House. How are we all doing tonight?

Oh, come on. Does everybody have their pants pulled up? Oh, welcome to your mommies tonight. This is Thompson Goh and Christina Pazinski. Hi everybody. How are you everybody doing? Everybody good? Thanks for coming out.

Disrespecting your families on a holiday weekend. Oh, thank God. Fuck your families. Oh, isn't that the worst? We're your family. We're better family. Did you just throw up? Okay.

Any Jews here? Yeah. Why'd that guy, why'd he throw up? We know where you guys, just to know where they're seated. I don't know if you want to know. No, because they had a, wasn't there a holiday for you two? For this past week, wasn't it Passover? Oh, Passover.

All right. So how am I the asshole? Nobody celebrates that. We're just asking where those fucking Jews are sitting right now. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Yeah. Yeah.

So thank you for coming out. It's a beautiful Saturday evening. How are we doing on the World Wide Web to the people at Kogo? We're doing awesome. Formerly laughter, but we're trying to just lock down that four letter market. Kogo. It's weird. I know.

You guys are so weird. How many people are watching? Do you know right now? Millions. Millions. Millions. Well, hello, world. Well, thanks for coming out tonight.

This is going to be really good. We just ate platters of Mexican food right before we started the show. How'd that go for you, Tom? I just added a little something, something to the ice house. Not really a headshot so much as a deposit of who I am. A brown shot. What's really special is that we got to hear the woman go into the restroom. She didn't see that we were there, but we got to hear her go, oh my God.

There's a single stall here that I just hung out in for a while. Yeah, we could hear her walk in. Oh, God. Right, which is my life. That's always the monologue in my head. Your life. Oh, God, but I didn't get to hear it this time. That's extreme.

That's extreme that all you do is deal with my smells. You better get your life. I might have to take a shit during the show. Yeah. I don't know. We're really considering, I mean, Mexican food is so fucking delicious. I know. Sometimes you forget that we live in Mexico and that we like...

Cheers to Mexico. To Mexico. Viva Mexico! We pray for you. Food is so goddamn good. Yeah. You suggested, we got here, we got to eat and you're like, there's a Mexican place. Next door is the best place.

Oh, there's Mexican places everywhere. Yeah. So we ate it and then, you know what the problem is? Yeah. I did burpees today and, yeah, that's when you do like up downs and you jump and it makes your heart race. Terrible. That's awful.

For me, when I do anything above sitting down, my body's like, what the fuck are you doing? And then I have to shit. Seriously. Yeah, I just do that to you. I laid out so much that when I move, my body's like, oh, this guy's out of his mind. Like, everything goes into overdrive, you know? I don't know, that never happens to me.

The exercise doesn't simulate that for me at all. Well, I mean, you don't really move that much. You're a bear. No, I stay pretty idle. Yeah. Well, great. Let's hope we don't shit ourselves during the show. Oh, no, it's just on you.

I did it in the bathroom. I know, it's brewing too. It's not healthy. Yeah. You have a little bit of... I'm a little concerned. You have a panic in your face a little bit. Yeah, I know.

That would be an exceptional video to watch on Kogo.tv. I'm hoping that the show business will kick in. Because whenever you're sick and you're on the road and you have to do a show, it kicks in the lights and stuff and you don't have to shit. So far, so good. Oh, thank you, sir. Thanks, Tom. Hey, that's neat.

Thank you, sir. You know, it's one thing to get that at home. And then to have that out in public is even nicer. Thank you. That's going to be the new cat call to you when you're... Oh, I don't want it. You can keep it. When you're walking to...

When you're doing the road and you're walking up to... Instead of people going, bikes! Like they always do. They're all going to be like, show us how those big tits fart. Ma'am, do you know what he's referring to? Okay. He brought me here. Oh, he did, yeah.

Like you're fucking kidnapped. Oh, yeah. Yep. There you go. Get your money's worth. No, lady. So here's the thing. I don't know.

Are you guys married? You're just banging it. Okay. I don't know if your husband, if your husband in the time you've been together has ever, at any point in your marriage, leaned over to you and said, show me how those big tits fart. That happened to me two weeks ago. I'm not sure I understand it.

What do you think that means? Okay. How long have you been married? Okay. Oh, yeah, you're not. So like... Give it some time. No, I think about three months from now.

At six months, you're going to be like, the fuck are we doing? We got to spice this shit up. You got to keep it exciting. So your mind is what keeps it exciting. And then that's when you start saying creative, yet elegant, courting phrases like, show me how those big tits fart. Here's what happened. I was farting.

I was on the couch and I was farting and then he pretended to get excited by those farts. And he was like, oh, yeah, you show me how those big tits fart. And then I was like, oh, it's so great. It's cute. So romantic. There you go. All right. Speaking of romance, there's so much in this show.

It's 419, whatever that is. 419. You guys ready to open our show? Should we do a proper show open? Eric, are you ready? I'm ready. Let's do it, man. Here we go.

Bitch, you fucking stimulate my clits. Bitch, stimulate my motherfucking mind. You got to stimulate a bitch like me. And when I say fucking stimulate, this is what the fuck I mean. Bitch, I want you to eat my pussy with your middle finger in the top of my damn head and your other middle finger on your left hand between my damn third toe and my right foot. That's how motherfucking freaky I am. I want you to motherfucking stimulate my motherfucking mind.

This shit is big time. Who is Ramsay? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn when the fuck is there. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura, Tom Sutsu. Christina Pajitzi, Christina Pajitzi.

Welcome to your mom's house. You guys never get to see that. That's what I get to see every time we do the show open. So that was really special. Guys, I can do a lot of stuff. The guitar is my favorite. Do that again. Oh, hi.

You don't just get it for free. You can't just be like, hey, let me see you play guitar. Why don't you come to one of my shows? Oh, no, I live that show. You don't live that show. You make it sound like you're suffering. I am suffering. No, I'm not suffering.

I do love you a lot, but you're disgusting. We made sweet marital love yesterday and then you farted right after again. What are you talking about? Yes, you did. You farted first. So what? You're going to leave out that detail? Yeah, but I'm allowed to because I'm the lady and I dictate everything and then you

make leg pumps to go with your farts, which is not cool. First of all, I will give you this. I didn't last that long. Why did you share that? Your fart was more like, hey, I wish that would have been a little longer. But since it wasn't. No, it was fine. It was fine the way it was.

It was fine for me. It's fine. You guys at that point yet? Have fun. Well, no, because we have roads. Like we have a life where like you come off the road. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like it's not normal, married people sex.

It's like the kind of sex where you're in a hotel room for like days and days and then we see each other and then it's like. And then right, Tom, and then you have to reset the decks. Kind of. Yeah, because road beef is like you don't know her. You're like, oh, which joke did you like? Okay, I'll do that again. Road beef.

Yeah. Like how much like another $10. That's so horrible. That's $30. You better be really good at this. That's my word. I don't want to talk about that. So awful.

What's the worst road beef thing? Like cause I've heard stories where girls have been dating comics and then like the girl will get an email from somebody on Facebook. Like I made out with your husband last night. And you're like, oh, it's like. You will never, ever get an email like that. I'm not making out with. All right.

You can suck my dick, but you're not going to fucking. I almost did. I got excited for a high five because you're so low energy that I was like, oh. But that would be. I get excited for any form of playfulness with you. Wouldn't you kind of give me props? Like if you got an email like that. No.

No, I'm saying if, if like, Hey, this girl was like, Hey, I saw your husband's show and then afterwards. Oh my God. Don't even put it out in the green room. No. And then you're like, and what else? And she's like, nothing. I just let him finish.

Wouldn't you be like, Hey, good. She just let you finish where that fucking dumb fucking Sally wagon choke you down. And I'd be like, what is wrong? You wouldn't give me like daps on that. That is so stupid. Whatever. I thought we were on the same page. You.

Um, what about the lady that we just heard? I don't want to hear that. Why not? She was talking about something. It's very important to a married couple. And that is, you know, she's like, stimulate my mind. I'm going to throw up. I don't want to hear, but she didn't say that.

She did. She said it. She added other words, but she said, stimulate my mind. Bitch. You. Fuck. Stimulate my clip. Bitch.

Stimulate my motherfucking mind. That's hardcore. How do you not appreciate that? This is like a philosophical. It is. You should be on my new podcast. Bitch. But I usually, when it starts with the front, when it starts with bitch, you know, it's

going to be smart. Well, you need a little bit. You need a little bit of backstory on her. Do I really? I don't know. Here's who she is. You have to understand who she is first. I'm a freaky bitch.

Did that register with everybody over here? That's very good. She's very freaky. She has a little more info. I am five foot eight. Five eight. It's taller than the average. It's a little taller than average.

Let's hear that next number. Three ninety. Three ninety. Five eight. I don't know what the BMI math is on that. She's a big girl. Okay. She's a big old bitch.

Yeah. That's pretty big. Wait. She's me plus another fucking fat guy. Okay. I was going to ask you because I don't actually know. You're horrible with weight stuff. Yeah.

I would have guessed. You're like three ninety. Four fifty, right? God damn it. Because I know women's weight. I can look at a woman and know. No, you don't. For men.

You don't know what women weight either. I can pretty, you know, because I know where I'm at. I'm a featherweight. What is it? A welterweight or whatever. I am some fucking fatty. So like. Okay.

She's a big broad. She's a big broad. I mean three ninety is more than anyone in the NFL weighs. That's a good way of. Think about that for a second. Like let that settle in. But she's tall. She's five eight.

Oh, all five eight. Yeah. You're right. Stretch it out. That's true. For a woman. Yeah. Never mind.

She's not that big. I'm sorry. Okay. Let's see if she has any more info. And I am a freaky bitch. I ain't talking. She's a dick. She freaky.

Okay. She paused. She paused and went back for it. She's like, you know, that's not impressive. That's not impressive. Shit. She is not impressed with her. No.

If you're telling her you're a freak, because you suck dick, you better get your life. That's it. It's not impressive. I'm a freaky bitch. I'm a freaky freaky bitch. Motherfucker could tell me last night. If you don't take these drawers off,

I'ma rip them off. Bitch, I want you to fucking rip them off. I don't want these drawers. You didn't hear it at the end, but she goes, I don't want these drawers. Did she say that? Yeah. I don't want these drawers.

I'll tell you. I don't want these drawers. How many would I want? I don't have enough. I want a freak with her. I want a freak with her. And she's like, she's excited.

00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,000 Yeah. I hear what you're saying. A lot of times, a positive mental attitude can overcome 390 pounds. Am I that version of that to you? No, jeans. Never. No, I'm saying with somebody who you're like,

I'm not that, but I like their attitude. I'm going to hook up with them. You don't want to know real talk. Most of my, I've never gone for the traditionally attractive dudes ever. I've always gone. Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

I didn't mean it like that. Before you, of course. Yes. Yeah, maybe lead with that next time. No, I'm saying that I always look at the whole package. I don't, I tend to try, I want to see what's inside because that,

that fucking, all that stuff fails over time and it gets boring anyway. You really like to like, Oh, what's the person all about? It's so fucking ridiculous. Yeah, of course. Yeah. What could you overlook her morbid obesity?

For a moment. For five moments. For 30 moments, enough time. Really? No, but really? Would you? Could you? I think I could.

I think I could not like long term, but like as like, No, one night. One night. Yeah. It's like my third option on like a, third option. You know what I mean?

Like I would go to the Rolodex and be like, Are you available? No. Are you available? No. And then it's like, I'm drunk. It's late.

How about that 390 pound pitch that I know? Really? I mean, it was like, you know, at my house, it's fucking sit on my face time. I'd be like, all right, let's fucking do it. Like, I don't know.

You don't think you could? 390 is a, it's a lot. Yeah. Well, for you, you wouldn't have to really worry that much. You just lay on your back. I'm sorry. He lays on his back at 390.

Yeah. You don't lay on your back. So, It's, it's actually. You just gotta, you just gotta fucking ride that horse. It's more, it's more work for me at 390.

Now, is it more work for a man of the woman's? No, it doesn't matter for you. It matters for me, dude. No. Fuck with my ass, man. But would you,

would you, would you make kisses to her meow? Yeah. I mean, not like if she was like, hey, I've been sitting around for a few days, but like if she was like,

like it's pretty, it's pretty bad down there. It's on you. Like, no, I did have a old lady tell me not to go down on her one time. I should set that up. An old lady.

Okay. When I was 20. An old lady. Yeah. She was pretty old. By like 37. You mean like how old? Well,

I'm saying she was 25 years older than me. So. How old were you? Just when you fucking relaxed. So she, right. Right now it's not an old lady. It was never really an old lady.

It was just, when I was like in college, I was 20 years old. I was interning in D.C. and my friends aunt aunt. Auntie. Aunt. She was like 45, 46 or something like that.

So I'm 20 though. And she came to this bar we were all hanging out with. I got really drunk and I went home with her. And then. So tacky. It's, it's my friend's aunt. I'm trying to hook her up.

Like it's, you know what I mean? If I had the sound board, I'd go, what's wrong with y'all? What's wrong with you? Come on. But here's what I remember.

And that horribly drunken haze. I started to go down past her fake, her huge fake tits. Oh my God. And, and I remember, I remember she grabbed my face and she goes, you don't want to do that.

Are you serious? Yeah. Well, on the other hand, that's a nice heads up. I guess. But keep in mind like what she thinks of her most precious region. She's just like,

that is a toxic pit that like nobody, I mean, I still, I stuck it in her. I didn't like, Oh my life. I couldn't, I couldn't finish.

I was fucking hammered. But here's what I, here's what I remember most about the next day. I woke up and you know when you, have you ever blacked out where you wake up and it takes a moment to register where you are? So here's what I remember. I wake up,

I'm looking, I'm in bed, I'm looking out a window at like a backyard and I'm like, what the fuck am I right now? Right? And then as, as that's processing,

I feel a hand like come over here. This guy's like, Yeah. Touch. Yeah. You know, right? Memories. And then I,

I feel the hand and it's like, Hey baby, do you want to go again? And I go, I turn like this and I see her and she's horrendous looking. Like she's so ugly. And I was like,

and here's the other thing. She goes, I'm going to take a shower. I'm like, yeah, all right. And I think I'm going to sneak out. Right? So I grab,

I grab all my clothes. I go downstairs. Half of my clothes is in her, in her living room. And then as I'm about to walk out, I'm like, Oh shit. Like,

I don't know where I am. I don't know. Like I didn't drive here. I have to wait for this woman. So. Oh, this is before GPS and like cell phone. Oh man.

Yeah. I didn't have anything. I had to wait at her kids report cards on the refrigerator. It's like a seventh grader. I'm like, God damn, man. Like how old is this lady? And then I did though, I was,

I was horrified. So when she dropped me off, she dropped me off. She leaned in. She dropped you off. Yeah. She had to drive me back. She dropped me off.

The kids. I, she leaned in to kiss me and I gave her the cheek. Yeah. And I was like, that's for your stinky ass box. I was like, what the fuck?

Like that. And did you give her the, Oh, I'll give you a call. Like, did you pretend to even? Um, no,

my friend called me. He was like, you fuck my aunt. And I was like, yeah, but I didn't eat her out. She got a disgusting fucking box. She's like,

did you have like a station wagon too? Like, are there kids toys in there? Uh, they were, they were, they were, they were,

they were, they were, uh, they were middle school kids. Okay. Yeah. But it was nice of her to give you a ride. I mean,

Well, what else is she going to do? Cabot bitch. Like, she thought there was something starting, babe. She wasn't going to cab it. She was like, this is special.

We have a special thing going. Starting. You don't have a version of that story. No, you know, I never, I, I honest to God,

I never had a one night stand. I never did that stuff. Not that I, now I want to. Now I'm like, I should be banging. Well, what was I waiting for?

Like, um, you know, now that I'm older and wiser, but I, I legit was afraid of disease and, and, and awful things.

If you go to one night stands, will you keep it with your traditionally not good looking kind of guys or? No. You'll step up to handsome guys. Yeah. Because for one night stands, you're just supposed to bang attractiveness and not look

at people's insides, which is, you know, what you do is your thing. Superficial. Uh, I did something once. Oh God.

I saw the internet. Okay. Well, we can edit this out. I never told anybody this. This is a, it's not that bad in the grand scheme of things. I think,

I don't know. Yeah. So, when I was 17, my friend, Sean, and I went to Hungary for a month, like when we graduated from high school.

Thank you for clapping, sir. And, um, you Hungarian. So we were in Hungary and, uh, Oh boy.

We were drinking every night, like drinking every night, sleeping all day, going to pizza hut every day to eat. And I was drunk and I, I may have made out with the cousin of mine. Not a first.

Like a distant, distant kind of sort of. Wait, is this the one with the disability? No, it's not the retarded one. I have a cousin, Chaba,

who is, yeah, Chaba. You may not with the retarded guy for real. That's abuse. That's abuse. This is not Chaba. This is a different one.

And, uh, no, okay. How, wait, how old is he? How old are you?

He's like my age, like a year older than me. It's like a distant, distant, distant, distant, 17 years old. Come on.

I promise. Did you guys keep it above the belt? Like what happened? Yes, it was just a kiss. It was just a kiss. Just a kiss? Yeah.

Like, hey, I haven't seen you in a long time. No, it was just a drunk. He's like, oh, my dick hasn't seen you either.

Give me an, give me an H.J. under the table real quick. No, I was too nervous for all that. Like, I'm really too nervous to touch people. Oh my God. And yeah,

I'm not that, how do you start things like that? Like, you know, people are like, oh, one thing, you know,

people are like, oh, we got, we were just, and then one thing led to another. And then I was sucking his dick. Well, you know what?

What? It's actually really interesting that you ask how it happens, because she has one last thing that she wants to add to freakiness. So just keep this,

maybe add this to your repertoire. Okay. Here we go. She's real pretty. Yeah, she's hot. To make a long fucking story short,

I put a whole bag of jelly beans up my ass. And that is how one thing leads to another. All right. What flavors? Well, it's interesting that you ask. The whole bag,

YouTube, yes, the fuck I did. And it's 24 hours later now, I ain't find none yet. What? What? Wait a minute.

Just give her a second. Let her speak. Jesus. So y'all know, I was working with a motherfucking champ, cause he knew when he came through them doors, that he was about to get into something that he ain't had no business getting into.

See, sometimes niggas just think, oh, it's just sex. This ain't just sex, nigga. This is four quarters of unadulterated,

freaky shit, motherfucker. You fucked up when you called and asked me what the fuck I'm doing. Matter of fact, I'm telling all motherfuckers. You fucked up

when you called and asked me what the fuck I'm doing. Now it's your problem. That's the best part of it. You fucked up. Wait, so she's putting all the jelly beans in her butt. And then he ate them all out.

Oh my. Guys, step your shit up. It's so funny that I found this. I've actually been talking about this sexual practice on stage in my stand-up. Yeah, because I've met people

that told me about it, so I've been trying to, you know, work it into a bit. And now it just, I just confirmed that I'm on the right path, you know? It's like,

people are doing this. I feel like we fucked up when we asked her what she was doing today. Yeah. What are you doing tonight? Well, now you, you have a problem.

He knew when he walked through those doors, he said, fucking four quarters. Who thinks about sex as four fucking quarters? Like, Four quarters? Four quarters,

like a football, like she was just like, welcome to the pterodome, motherfucking shit. It's gonna go down. So crazy. Like she, like a hostage,

you know? So crazy. But I mean, does that, I guess for me, that would intimidate me if I were a man more than be like,

fuck yeah, we're going to eat those jelly beans out of your ass. I feel like it would be more like, I don't know, it's kind of sticky. It's not going to, it's not going to taste good. Oh no, it's candy.

It tastes really good. Are they the orange one? Who here would be down to eat some jelly beans out of somebody's ass? Oh, nobody? Gee. All right.

Let me be more specific. That's weird. Who would eat grape jelly beans out of my ass? No, you would not. Gummy bears. Dog, take this shit.

Fucking, he made me. Science. Jesus Christ. How do you, and that's on public, right? Like that's on YouTube, she posted that.

She wants you to know what time it is. Yeah, definitely. I mean, remember, and that like, used to be anonymous about things like that. You know, she's announcing it.

Look, she's 58390. She doesn't fucking give a shit. I guess you got to just throw it out there and see what sticks, right? Exactly. There's not a whole lot of takers when you're in that level,

the arena. So you might, but you know what the interesting thing about this is? I feel like her approach is like, sure, there's people who are going to be like,

I want nothing to do with that. But then you're also going to invite in the people who are like, this is what I'm looking for. Finally, where have you been? It's kind of like what you actually hope for in stand up.

Like in stand up, you go, oh, one day, maybe everybody who's at the show will want to be at the show. Right. No, really,

like you do stand up. Yeah, that's true. And like a lot of times we do them in clubs that are in fucking malls, you know, and like, they're like,

there's mall walkers who are like, I'm not a fan. And you're like, I'm telling you to be a fan. Like, and you realize that there's some people there that

like, and you're like a one day, I'll get to the point where everybody who's here actually knows what they're getting into. And that's, she's just doing the jelly bean

ass eating version of that. Yeah, I agree. You gotta, you gotta put it out there loud and proud. Yeah. And then you know what you're getting.

You want the right demographic, man. Now you, wait, can we do this guy though? This one makes me so happy. Yeah. I think that we go with the

other guys first. Sure. Okay. Yeah, douchebags. So, douchebags are always fun. We've played,

we've played people that are, you know, famous singer or famous actors that also have bands, you know, we played Don Johnson and Bruce Willis and Canoe Reeves

and all these other guys who are like, I have so much talent. I want to share my other talent. So, it's not enough just to ask.

Yeah. So, it's not enough just to act. I have to sing. I have to play the harmonica. Who? Who could forget about this? Yes.

Oh, of course. Nobody's forgotten. Yeah. I mean, Not mentioned, but not forgotten, sir. Jaden, well,

so here is, did you know that Tommy Hilfiger, the designer has a son who's a rapper? Yep. Huh. I heard that.

Do you, wait, do you think it's going to be really good though? Well, I don't know. Well, I don't know if it's going to

be really good. I mean, good for sure. Let's see. I mean, I, maybe you should first hear him talk for a second.

Okay. Here's an interview with him. Rich Hill from Connecticut. First of all, what is Rich Hill? He goes by Rich Hill. Instead of being like, hey,

Rich Hill figure. Sure. Why are we here? Oh, we're here because, okay. So, saying no to our past.

You know what I'm saying? Um, limo is a, a metaphor for us. You know what I'm saying? Like, what? Wow.

So far, that's two, right? He is dropping, um, he's dropping, you know what I'm saying? Uh, what color is he? I'm just wondering.

What color is he? Just out of curiosity. He's, you don't know. You don't know. Um, you don't know shit. Shit.

You don't know what color Mrs. Hill figure is. Does he hate black people? Does he? Oh, that was the thing. He does? No. Tommy Hill figure.

There was that big controversy years ago where, like, some, some, I don't know, some rappers or somebody was wearing, were wearing his shirt. And then he was like,

I didn't make him for them. And then they were like, Wow. Really? And they're like, well, fuck with polo. Yeah.

And now his son is like, yeah, all hip hop. Um, so, yeah, it was Jay Z, I think that came out and was like,

well fuck Tommy Hill figure then. Yeah. And then the other, there was another company that did that. Oh, Kristal. Yes. Kristal was like,

could you stop? Could you stop saying what you're saying? It's so great. While you're holding our product. It's such good publicity though. Right. It's a fucking amazing publicity. People know about Kristal because of rappers.

And they're like, no, we'd rather nobody know. That's how racist they are. We'd rather make a lot less money and just, a lot. I mean, they sing about that shit.

Every other word is Kristal Kristal. And they were like, we're good. Thank you. So bananas. All right. Some more Rich Hill. Yeah.

I got to hear what he has to say about life. In school, I was a nerd. Like, I was in the art rather than sports. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

I know what you mean. Yeah. I mean, is that clear that I wasn't playing sports? Sorry, let's tally these. You need to follow that up with the, you know,

So far for W. K. W. Okay. You know what I'm saying? We have three, two, one,

you know what I mean. That's the kind of people who don't know what that means. You know what I'm saying? That's the kind of people who don't know how to wrap their shit. Into that school that's considered nerdy. Right. And now we started a movement.

It's just saying limos were cool in the 90s. You know what I'm saying? Hmm. And basically saying, when we were nerdy, limo's were the shit, but limos weren't cool no more. And some people might not know this.

You're the son of Tommy Hilfinger. Hmm. And how do you feel when you started rapping? And when did you start rapping? I started rapping when I was 13. And he was supported. And when did you feel you can be a professional? I don't know.

I mean, like you got to release a lot of music first, you know? I don't know if that's actually true. For someone to say like, hey, when did you become professional? You got to release a lot of music first. I mean, maybe write a lot of music first.

You can keep that shit for a while, man. Like, I released like a hundred shitty tracks and then now I'm professional. How upset do you think his dad is? Oh, my God. Like, dad's got to be like,

Yeah. Oh, come on. I'm not doing that. White niggers. But you know what? I think that's so much fun. You know what?

I think Rich Hill is saying in return. I'll tell you what he's saying in return. Episode two where we've made fun of retarded people. That's Ice JJ Fish. He has a Vine account where you just get little samples of his skill. Who's that? JJ Fish?

Ice JJ Fish, yeah. Oh, right. Yeah, we've played. Yeah. Yeah, but I didn't know he had this fucking gift waiting for us the whole time. I mean, this,

I sang this to myself 45 times a day. I sang Oh, my God. That's the new anthem. All right. So, But seriously, Tommy Hilfiger, I get he's a total racist piece of shit.

That being said, pretty successful guy. Tommy Hilfiger? Yeah. Just a little. And I'm assuming was he self-made or was he one of those people? I think so.

Yeah, no, I think he's self-made guy. And that's got to make you crazy as a self-made person to see your kid be like, you know, I'm going to be a rapper. You know what I'm saying? You're like, Well, the best is that like, I mean,

when, when these guys, like you can obviously pursue any lane you want, but like he has like, throat tattoos and shit and like, you know, like, streets, man. And it's like,

he's from a fucking $50 million estate. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Wait a minute. I'm no aficionado of rap, but there's prerequisites, right?

A, you got to be from a shitty neighborhood, at least, or at least fucking talk about it, how you can talk about it, how you're not from a shitty neighborhood. Yeah. Be honest about it.

I'd be like, yo, I'm from tons of money and like, I got a silver spoon in my ass. Like, just be honest. Right? I do this shit for fun, man. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't need money. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, actually that would be really cool. If some rapper was like, I don't need money.

I'm just doing this shit to be annoying to everybody. Right. I'd really, I'd rather respect that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

Yes. Album one. I hate my fucking dad. Yeah. Just be real. I'd be like, my dad's a racist piece of shit. I'm going to act as black as I can to make him mad.

It totally is like talking back to the father, if the whole act is. Of course it is. Yeah. Of course. He's rebelling against daddy. So there's that. Did you know that Tom Hanks son?

I'm not on. Also is a musician? Fuck off. Just. One of them is an actor. Colin Hanks. Yeah. He's okay though.

He's good. Yeah. He's good. There's another son who goes by. Chet Hayes. Chet. CHET. CHET.

CHET. CHET. CHET. CHET. CHET. CHET. CHET. CHET.

CHET. CHET. CHET. CHET. CHET. I feel like follows in the Robin Thicke like Lane. Right? Where like he sees that guy's success.

He's like, I could do that too. Except for the words and the voice and the music. It's the right idea. It's the wrong execution. From the rhythm and the style. Here's Chet Hayes. Chet Hayes. Chet Hayes.

Why did you say that? I've never been on well. Floor you break it down, you bring it up, you touch your toe And you the baddest girl around there, you let everybody know He, you on fire, you got that swag, you got that go You wanna hold on to show, you wanna blow it, girl You know, will you fucking stop? Disney gives Hayes no me, no me, Hayes no me

Chet Hayes. Well, it's just, it's not, like, it's not the worst production No, it's not the worst song It's just, it's like, you just don't have to release that Cause it's... Right, because I feel like you could go to a mall and produce a similar thing Like, don't they have mall booths that you could make music? Yeah

Pretty much, yeah, like this is the shit they did in the 80's And you're like, I wanna sing like Tiffany And then... Okay, yeah, see Is that where you could record, like you go in the recording booth? Yeah, you can make your own shit Organs? Yeah, like the organ store

Oh, yeah, I thought so Yeah, huh We went into the recording booth and I recorded my prerogative Right, you get like a tape of it and then you're like, I'm like Bobby Brown You know what the worst part was? All of it Three of us went in to record it, but I hogged the mic Oh

So when you listen to it, it just sounds like me And that's why you can tell how bad I am at singing Because you can't hear the other people jumping in Cause I'm like, my prerogative That's how I sing it That was such a good song But how old is Chet? I don't know, I don't have it

21, yeah, that's about the age It just sucks to be that age and to be in the public eye though Cause I'm sure like so many other 21 year olds are like I'm gonna be a rapper, producer, director And then you just do it and it's never on the internet No one knows who you are But this poor kid has the misfortune of being like a celebrity's kid Which is so hard, how do you do anything?

No, but the thing that's so interesting is that if you weren't a celebrity's kid This would not be out, you know, you couldn't Well, he's trying to become a professional You can manufacture like anything because of the opportunity Now whose son is this? You also passed this long to me That's my favorite, this is my all time Whose is this? My prerogative

I'm just showing up as a fucking god, nigga I fuck any nigga bitch And pass the young rich pretty goon nigga Make her squirt without sex What the fuck do you know about that lane? God, shit, let's get it What? I know he said I'll make you squirt without sex

Go ahead, Tom, use your magic, decode it It's a bold claim Okay, let me break it down for you This kid's name is Brian Silva And this is just the header to that clip Brian Silva, fitness model, vines, exclamation mark Muscle worship flexing Talking, swagging, posing, token, and more

So he's this really inter-exic like little white boy Like he's like 17 years old And there's just videos of him flexing in the mirror And be like, yeah, I'm fucking punk, I'm fucking rip, y'all, rip, rip But he's literally like 90 pounds And he looks like, he looks like a Tijuana dog Like a stray dog You know you've seen them and they're like scrounging

And they're all ribs and they're like just Eating, eating a wrapper on the ground Mangy Tijuana dog But he sweats himself so hard I think this needs the visual We'll put it on our new website We have a new website that's very exciting With clips now that you guys can go and research and see

Do you have another one? Yeah, here's another one of Brian Silva Check him out Yeah, I'm back again Did you miss me? Because guess what, I ain't miss you Got no reasons to miss you This is while he's flexing in the mirror

So he's in the mirror, he's gone You miss me? I didn't miss you There's no reason to miss you No, why? Because you're a lame hater Why is everyone a lame hater? Everyone who's watching him is a lame hater Look at all this on me

Look at all this diamonds and gold on me He's not wearing any diamonds when he says that I swear to God It's like one chain There's imaginary delusional diamonds Come on, barrel roll It's with a king That's why

I make all he works for me At my feet Swear Call me T-Rex, god T-Rex You know how I rock Boa! He did do one thing that was super clever Yeah, yeah, yeah

He was like, call me T-Rex, god T-Rex And he went like this Yeah, yeah He gave you T-Rex arms And I go, wow! He did do that, that was pretty neat Unbelievable Eric, can we check in with online?

Yeah, there's a lot of people tweeting pictures of Rich Hill Oh, that's cool Loving that Was he cute? Eric, are you sure he isn't cute? Pay attention to our dog Not my type Alright, so let's see

This is in regards to Your earlier story, Tom Did you at least wear a condom? Oh, fuck Who wants to know? Kevin Underwood wants to know That is so stupid Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I work on, yeah

Yeah Yeah, that's why I didn't enjoy it Because of the condom I really hope you did No, yeah, not that I think about it Yeah, I did Chris Boss Pinky Chris Boss Pinky wants to know

What is it called when you do a push-up and fart? Tom Segret I think that's just called Exercise, man, I don't know It's called this afternoon Another one in regards to an early story Were the jelly beans put up one at a time Or by the handful? You only have so much time

She doesn't Go into that detail It sounds like from her physical description That she can just Put large amounts of anything in her ass So it may have just been Yeah, she could have just Poured them into her

Asshole I don't know Diego Jordan wants to know What food gives you the worst smelling farts What food what? Gives the worst smelling farts Oh, I feel like Oh, I know the answer to that

Isn't it just beef? Yeah Yeah, meat farts are intense all the time Meat farts, and then for me it's poop soup My patented poop soup recipe It's all the vegetables that Trader Joe's And your pho, whatever Your Vietnamese fucking shit treat Yeah

Ruins the fucking neighborhood for a week After she eats that I got a would you rather from Chubby Jingler Chubby Chubby Jingler Okay, hold it Oh never mind, let's do it

Okay Okay What is Are you ready? What's the would you rather? Alright, would you rather Everything you eat has human hair in it A lot, or Permanent hemorrhoids and mouth herpes

Or sorry, or have Permanent hemorrhoids Guys, what are you out of your fucking minds? That's so easy That's so easy Hemorrhoids and herpes Of course What are you talking about?

Fucking half the population is walking around with herpes So you're like alright, you can make it Hemorrhoids, talk to your parents They all have hemorrhoids You just combine the two You want hair in everything you fucking eat You find one hair in your food It ruins your meal

You're like take this back, clear the bill I'm not eating for another day Yeah, but you could pull them out You can't pull them out Yeah, you can't pull them out and then you fucking eat But have you ever had a cold sore? I've had so many, they hurt so much Who here wants hair in their food?

Me, yeah Over herpes and butt sores Who wants herpes and hemorrhoids? Few animals You know what? I'm taking herpes and hemorrhoids Which means you're at least getting herpes from me So

So stupid Alright, I've got some I've got some listeners Submitted, would you rather? I like this one a lot Okay, would you rather, every time you click the mouse On your computer, the screen you're trying To click minimizes

So you have to do things one click at a time And always reopen Your browser backup Fuck, it sucks It's a very detailed Who the fuck thought of that? I think his name is Teddy Oh, no

No, Corey did this one Okay, Corey, or Every time you meet someone You have to shake their hand And tell them the last time you masturbated And What you were watching Or thinking of while doing it

That's fantastic I know You gotta take that one Just because it's so much fun You know what I mean? What do you go for? I'm definitely shaking your hand And being like, hey, I'm Tom

I just jerked off in the shower a couple hours ago I was thinking about This video I saw where this One girl was blowing the guy And her friend, he was holding her face In his butt Lady, I heard some lady go Don't worry

He just makes this stuff up I just saw it Shit Like, the girl The girl that was going for Let me have my illusions She was going to eat his ass Okay, next one

You want the other one? All right All right And as I saw that What's the other one? What did you take? Babe, I stopped looking at the microphone I take the computer one

Obviously, what are you retarded? Right? It's stupid I would not tell people what I It's ridiculous Stupid, okay, here's the next one It's silly, I like this one a lot Can I play with the soundboard there? No

No, I know Halfoo I'ma charge this shit Can you fucking relax? He wants to sit on your lap, let him sit on your lap and then he'll chill He wants to sit there, because he doesn't understand Here, let me take my son He came over here

You read this and I'll take my son All right Okay, what am I reading? Okay Would you rather drink a gallon Jesus Drink a gallon of Shrek's Giz

Or The other one's really gonna fucking throw you For a loop here Drink a gallon of Papa Smurf's Giz But You know, I'm so stupid when I read that I was like, yeah, but Papa Smurf's so little It'll come out like a thimble full

But it's a full gallon Of Smurf Giz You imagine how much Giz comes out of Shrek? A gallon It'll take Papa's Either way, it's a gallon Fuck, that just hit me No, it would take Papa Smurf years to fill up a gallon

It would take him longer to come up with it That's like one pump That's one pump for Shrek This one I feel like this one The genius that came up with this Who is it? This is from Teddy Teddy? Jesus Christ

I'm definitely going with Papa Smurf Because I want that blue Giz Bad Yeah, but Shrek's is green And I'll tell you what, with Papa Smurf It's small to make a gallon of Giz It's going to take him a year of gizzing Everyday

By the time it gets to be a gallon It's going to be so cold and coagulated Yeah And it's such a struggle that it's mostly blood Probably Because he's so like It's a Smurf Shrek's Giz

Shrek's is fresh It's Right out of the ogre Right out of the swamp I bet that Shrek's is kind of like Weakgrass Like Weakgrass Like Jamba Juice, remember what happened

At Jamba Juice Who here would take Shrek's Giz? How about Papa Smurf? Some people are not even drinking Giz I guess Jesus Christ Alright Here's one that

That would apply to us for sure Would you rather have no sex of any kind Not even masturbation For a year Or not be able to do stand up Show for three years Easy That is the laugh of the full charge

The full charge is here Not even tonight Full charge I know your answer to that question Of course Me too When can I quit? I know what yours is

I would not have sex for a year Really? You would choose stand up no way You don't ejaculate for like 48 hours And you turn into a crazy bear You would be unbearable to live with You would be the worst For money?

For masturbation videos What are we going to do? I don't know For life? No, for that year For sex? For marital love? No, for fucking income I could go back to

Being a paralegal or something I don't know You could make videos showing how those big tits fart Yeah That's what's up I love this one I like your voice better when you read You like my voice better?

Very deep radio voice Would you rather have to watch the most hated Of your significant other's Favorite television program Oh man The way they do in a clockwork orange Where they force you to watch For hours on end

Having to intelligently discuss each episode Holy shit Or Would you choose having a sliver Of the bed to sleep in While your partner Gets to stretch out comfortably Without the option of a couch

Or a spare room every single night That's silly Jesus Christ What's the TV show? Let's talk about that Would you rather You're tied down and forced to watch The Big Bang Theory

No, but it's your spouse's favorite show It's a show that I like That you hate No, but that's not a bad show I'm trying to think of the dumbest shit That I like Jersey Shore Yeah

It would be worse to sit through a sitcom though The sitcom's the worst I love House Hunters I love House Hunters It's the best show ever You hate it? What about House Hunters International? What's wrong with it?

A little bit, because it's abroad Yeah They complain about everything Especially if they're not in America If they're in Europe they're like If I have five bedrooms How come the toilet's all faggy I don't understand why the shower's got a hand thing on it

Yeah, they don't understand They just complain And that's the big thing is whenever the Americans Go abroad on that show To look for a house to live in They're always just like This ain't like where I'm from And they're like, yeah, because we're not where you're from

Like This is Rome and they're like, yeah And it ain't like Charleston No, nothing here is like Charleston Yeah I'm just used to more because I ain't from here And they're like, no, we know, we definitely know It fucking wears me out when they do that too

Well, that was nice Which one did we pick? I didn't even pick one Oh, shit, yeah, I would choose discussing For you personally The show that you watch that I would Not like to watch all the time is the first 48 because It's a funny show, my husband's bit about it

Is amazing, but the show itself Really gives me nightmares I have a hard time watching Murder and Killing I watch Murder Nightly before I go to sleep I don't like it I watch Biography Channel on Serial Killers I watch

This guy This guy just killed his family And I'm like, ah, I'm ready for bed But what I've found Is the Smithsonian Channel And they got Hitler documentaries 24-7, yeah, it's awesome Well, I like the World War II stuff

And I like weird shit like that Murder, communism But not like Gangbangers shooting each other It's just fucking sad And you love it, alright I take the TV show I like crime solving

That's why people buy mystery novels That's why these shows exist The crime aspect Can I read this ridiculous email we got? It makes me so happy It's so stupid, I just wanted to share it Anyways, I don't fucking care

It says, hey mommy, long time listener First time emailer I just wanted to share A personal revelation I've had about the seemingly Magical nature of genes It's so cute I'm a musician

I've noticed lately that when I come home To work on some tunes Sometimes I'll change into sweatpants To make things a little more comfortable Unfortunately, when I do so My productivity tends to Drastically decrease Whereas if I keep my genes on

And as high as possible For whatever reason I seem to be much better equipped To get shit done I'm no scientist So I can't claim to fully understand this phenomenon But I do think if more people Were down with a ju-ju-ju-jeans

Unit The world would be a much more badass Place in general Know what I'm saying? Much love and thanks Matt Don't you love that? So stupid Like fun and Stupid

Yeah, I like that We also got an email About the Duggers Yeah, read that, fuck those Duggers The Duggers Are the family That are pieces of shit This isn't the Duggers, but

It's the kind of person that reminds you of the Duggers He's the only dad I've ever known So, first of all Okay, so read that This is interesting Heard the latest podcast I just had a chime in about the Duggers Like me, they are also from

So, home of Wal-Mart and Tyson Foods Thank you for that addition Daddy Dugger Actually made money through real estate And used car sales I don't know much if he does that anymore Since TLC keeps putting them on TV They are also close friends with another

Uber religious family in the area It also has a ridiculous number of kids And They get together for their own private worship services When they all get together It's nearly 40 people So, they basically have their own little church I've also heard from people that

Went to high school with Mama Dugger That she was a total wild child It's funny that the Duggers have their own TV Show because no one around here Really gives a damn about them That's true Mama Dugger was wild But she got married at like 16, right?

I don't know, she definitely started fucking pretty early Jesus She's got 19 fucking kids I hate them, I hope they all die of AIDS What? Do I say that out loud? Happy Easter I hope so Oh no

The guy that wrote in I don't really want to read that I feel like the Duggers The accent If that's Cambodian or Vietnamese Yeah What? You think so?

It could be Vietnamese Oh, you know what? It's funny you say that because we announced That we had listeners tell us Like, oh, this guy is definitely Cambodian His paper is stuck in the butter

Oh no So Somebody said that and we announced Like, hey, it's been decided And then this guy goes, yeah, I'm the one That told you that, I should be clear The claim that Butters was Cambodian is

Coming from a white guy living in Irvine So Thank you, sir, for the clarification I know You're like, no, he's definitely fucking Cambodian His paper is stuck in the butter Oh no You know what I like?

I like that guy That guy felt so bad about it Like, he had the wherewithal to email us a second time To be like, hey guys, I'm just I can't take the route for that But you guys are saying Vietnamese, right? What's the vote? Clap if you think

That is Vietnamese, that accent Smattering Cambodian Clap for Cambodian Cambodian Maybe Thai Oh no It's tough, right? Well, okay

Shit Hey, how are we, Eric, online? Are we, anything else? Oh, any questions? Give us something from around the world These are all from around the world Where's the furthest? Not in this country

Well, it doesn't say in Twitter, but I mean Oh, okay They're not announcing where they're from on Twitter I thought you were reading something, okay, go ahead This is from Nick Owens The next time you speak to Top Dog, can you ask him Can you tell us about Hemorrhoids? He's the only dad we've ever known That's a good question

I will definitely ask about Hemorrhoids And I'm sure it's a much longer answer than you wanted And I've asked him to ask more questions You have more coming, I'll let you know Okay Are you going to call Top Dog for Easter? Yeah, I'll call him tomorrow Can I celebrate that?

Sure, yeah, yeah No, they'll definitely do that How is, we have Easter plans this year With your family Your father and his lady friend Last time I celebrated Easter with my father I was just me and him alone And he made an Easter meal for us

That consisted of a slice of ham Hard-boiled egg And some horseradish He's like, Happy Easter All right, great I don't like Easter I have bad memories of... I have Buck Easter, I hate it

Well, tell me, tell me Because you were alluding to this How long did Easter celebrations go on For you where you were hunting for Easter eggs? When did that go to? Okay, well here's what happened I was like eight years old And I was living with my dad for the weekend

And I was like Saturday And I was like, Dad, is the Easter Bunny coming tomorrow? Are we going to celebrate Easter? You're very excited, enjoy the Easter Yeah, I was eight years old Just like, I can't wait for the Easter Bunny There's going to be eggs and chocolates And this is going to be great, right, Dad?

And my dad was kind of aloof about it Kind of like, yeah, yeah And then I wake up Sunday morning And I look and the Easter Bunny didn't come There was nothing in the house There was no, there's no, like nothing So did you go like Dad? Yeah, my dad was asleep

And I was like, Dad, where's the Easter Bunny? He's like, oh, yeah I didn't feel like buying nothing Yeah, my dad was just like It's too much work, I'm so tired And that's how I found out there was no Easter Bunny But Yeah, I know, true story

You learned an important lesson Don't ask questions That Easter Bunny doesn't exist And you need to fucking know that at an early age, you know I know, but my mom bought me an Etch-a-Sketch Which was nice, so that kind of made up for it That's nice Yeah

So depressing What was your Easter like, in your cool family? Um They made it a whole thing It was too religious Oh, for sure Oh, yeah, it was like, they're suffering The guy suffers for you

Like, yeah A lot of like, stations of the cross And you're like, Jesus Christ Suffering Yeah, it's like, for us it was always like Is the fucking, is the chocolate part coming up? Because like The fucking first half of the day

Was just all about suffering Not for worse You know what I mean, like Do you know what Christ did for you? And I was like, hey, chocolate, where's the chocolate? It was too heavy, man Yeah, Catholic school was rough like that They do it too heavy, too young

Too heavy, too young You don't want to see the suffering bloody guy And they're like, he loves you, he really loves you Remember like the stations of the cross Yeah, of course The stations About 15 things Like that was the whole thing

Is that it just extended How much suffering they're what Like you would, they'd be like Here's when they beat him And they put a crown of thorns on his head And you're like, I'm good And they're like, it's just getting started And they're like, now here

More people are spinning at him And you're fucking seven You're like, why? And they're like, yes, why? He's our savior What's wrong with you? I know And then after all of that fucking torture

They're like, now you can go look for chocolate eggs Feel that love It's a fucked up way to teach a kid What's going on Yeah, it's not cool Yeah, it was too much It's not cool, it's not cool I know, and then they're always like

And then he dropped the cross again Yeah, you're like Mary Magdalene, the whore Helped him pick it up It's like, you feel like Jesus At some point would have just been like These niggas hating on me On me, hating on me

I feel like Jesus laughed at that Right now in heaven He was like, that's my boy down there They did hate on him big time And he didn't do shit He didn't do shit to deserve that No How are we on time, Sam?

We're good? Okay, beautiful What do you want to do? Do you want to do that? What, what do you have? Oh, sure, okay Yeah, beautiful, here we go Happy Easter, everybody

I love this marriage All right It's time to fill her up And seal her shop Yeah Well, I thought since it's holiday Baby Jesus edition Baby Yezushka in Hungary

And Yezushka, yes So Yezushka, this is a special edition For a celebration of Yezushka Let's see, how about for Easter, we do The Easter Bunny Is who we're filling up? Yep Okay

The Easter, you see, or Santa Claus Whoa Who would you rather fill up and seal shop? Well, that's a really interesting one That's true I feel like Santa Santa, he's been around a lot of boners

I feel like he's got boners He's always got those kids on him It's an erotic thing, you know what I mean? So Oh, now we're not on board? He does always have boners He's a pleaser, he's a people pleaser He's Santa Claus

Yeah So I feel like he's going to go the extra mile To sexually entice and satisfy you You know what I mean? I don't see it that way I think Santa's been giving it too easy I think the kids are always, like you said Giving him boners and

He's got Mrs. Claus at the North Pole Baking for him all the time Yeah It's like, oh, I'm Santa, I'm, you know The G.O.D. of Christmas and blah, blah, blah I think his ego is too big I think he's not going to be a people pleaser Right

I think he's going to be lazy The other side of that though is You're going to fuck an animal, right? Well I don't know We anthropomorphize the Okay, so the Easter Bunny is, it's a person Let's make it a person

It's a person It's a person Yeah, you don't think of it as like a rabbit So are we just fucking a bunny suit? Is that what you're saying? Yeah So isn't it just a guy named Carl? Like just fucking

Yeah, it's like, what do they call furries? Like those guys that Yeah, they go to those game, those nerd conferences What are those called? Fucking nerd conferences? I don't know Comic-Con Comic-Con

It's a guy that goes to Comic-Con And an Easter Bunny costume Okay That Or Santa Claus, of course No, I take the Easter Bunny What? Easter Bunny, he gets less attention

He's more eager to please He fucks like a rabbit He's grateful Well done I like that He's got chocolate And he'll put those jelly beans up your ass No

Who here would choose Santa Claus? Who would have sex with the Easter Bunny? See? That's interesting You better get your life What's wrong with y'all? Where's that guy? Play that guy What's wrong with you?

Here he is, he's here What's wrong with you? What's wrong with y'all? Your niggas are crazy That's in a sermon He's delivering a sermon Can we hear some more language lessons? I have another filler up, but I want to hear a language lesson

A language lesson? Yeah, like how do you say the word ambulance? Okay Alright The word ambulance is pronounced ambulance Many of us say amelance or amelamps But the word is ambulance Say it with me, ambulance

Holy shit Alright It's so layered It's so layered It's so funny, but it's so layered Because it's so racist and face value You're like, is this guy for real? Like, does he hate black people?

Is he trying to do them a service? What? He's a black dude, just for the record And there's a video of him explaining why How to talk It's so loaded Many of us say amelamps It's a little snarky, yeah

He's a little judgy about it The one that I took issue with Which is like, dude, fucking relax Is this one The word aunt is pronounced aunt Not aunt or auntie or auntie The word is aunt, say it with me Aunt

No, auntie, auntie-fee-fee Auntie-fee-fee, that's what we say Is it really? Yeah, yeah, aunt Sorry, my back is too big He's a dick, yes But like, so he's going to correct Like, if you're like, this is my aunt, aunt

Hey, hey, it's aunt And he said it very condescendingly He's like, it's not auntie Like, he put the stress on it He's upset, he's very upset He is He's upset Did you say he's upset?

He is upset He's like, you don't think he is? He is upset He's like, it's not fucking auntie I hear it That's basically his Let's do the other one This is really, this is built up

This is like a lifetime of being aggravated At hearing words mispronounced Like, that's his kryptonite You know, it's like somebody's saying something He's like, motherfucker, it's not Everybody has a thing There's the Atlantic Ocean And the Pacific Ocean

But some of you pronounce Specific as Pacific The word is specific The ocean is Pacific He's sick of hearing that one, okay He's like, there's different oceans And they're not the word you're trying to say He's fired up

And you're right It's a lifetime of hearing it the wrong way He's so bothered My mother, my parents both speak With thick Hungarian accents And my mother would always say It made me fucking crazy Oh, you're acting like a martyr

And I'm like, a martyr What is a fucking martyr? And then I saw the word martyr I'm like, oh, this dumb bitch is trying to say martyr This dumb bitch My mom's a bitch You don't know her My mom's meaner

She's just the meanest, awfulest human being Just such a shitty person What's up? Hi, mom She has no internet She thinks the internet's out to get her She's totally crazy And all of us, we used to live on the street

Called White Oak And she used to say Vajtok Vajtok I'm like, you fucking say it right, dummy My mom mispronounces a ton of words And she also mispronounces Like expressions

Like she'll get them wrong Because English is hurt So she'll be like Instead of saying like That's how the cookie crumbles She says, that's how the cookie rolls And I'll be like, that's not the expression And she's like, yeah, cookie rolls

And I'm like, yeah, but you just made up an expression It's not the expression My dad can't say He says buffet Instead of buffet Oh, your dad says a bunch of stuff And he can't, the word pedophile Like if there's a news

There's a news story about Like Jerry Sandusky He's like, you see that pedophile And I'm like Like dude You got it all wrong Pedophile Yeah

And I call him out Oh, and he also says Fridays Fridays, yeah I like Fridays, they got good steak They got shrimps DJI, Fridays You wanna go to Fridays with me?

Yeah No, I don't I don't wanna go to Fridays right now And of course Traders Joe Traders Joe Yes, after the Traders I'm going to Traders Joe

I gotta be honest though I feel like I mean, there's definitely words That I mispronounce But I feel like if I'm mispronouncing it And you're giving me like a lesson On how to speak I'm just like

These niggas hating on me On me Hating on me Alright, I have another A mystical filler-up-sealer shot More filling up? Jesus Christ Like mythological holiday creatures

Why don't we do a leprechaun? I keep licking the fucking mic It's so gross I know, I know It's too close to me Because I feel like I can't hear myself Can you hear yourself enough? I'm good

I can't hear myself Okay, so a leprechaun Like for St. Patrick's Day Or the tooth fairy Ooh, you go first I wanna hear you Well, here's the thing Okay, here's the thing

Is that for sexual things The leprechaun Because he can give me stuff Like I'll have sex with him And then Because they're both hideous You may as well get something Out of it more than a dollar

Because that bitch has only got Fucking dollars, you know Or quarters I don't know how you grew up Yeah, but this mother fucker Has a pot of gold And he's got a green peener You're trying to get that money?

Well, if I have to bang two nasties I may as well get paid You know what I'm saying? Yeah What do you pick? I mean, I think tooth fairy She's sexy Because that's a girl

Yeah How small How small is the tooth fairy? You don't know? I don't know She might be exactly Exactly She's that lady

What if that's her? Oh my God The tooth fairy is like I'm a freaky bitch Then all the better Yeah, you don't know But The tooth fairy could in theory be

Like The size of my dick That's a perfect fit I'm not sure That's a good fit What? It kind of would be Yeah, if I'm like

Oh, it's like a fucking flesh light Like sit down right there That's what I was going to say That the flesh light Yeah What do they call it? The ice The ice

Yeah, the ice one where it's like see-through So gross You put the naughty boy up in you The naughty boy The rude boy Wait, but it's see-through You don't want to see your Oh, I guess you don't want to see your

You don't want to see your Oh, I guess you do Is that the fun of it? Sure, that's the fun part To see your I'm a freaky bitch What's up, tooth fairy? Alright, we got to get going

Um, can, alright Okay, freaky bitch Full charge is right here Seriously Come on, say hi to the people Full charge, stand up Blam, see ya Yeah

Yeah Definitely say it to the people Full charge, do you have anything To promote, any shows or anything? Or How about for the people But there's viewers around the world Viewers around the world

Full charge Where's your next gig? Hey, uh, Tampa In March or May What? On the 8th March 8th What's your

What's your, what's your website? Full charge The FullCharge.com, guys There we go This is the part of the job I hate Go get it It's on iTunes Buy that shit

Man Alright Huh? There's more, I don't know You guys are throwing me off Um, yes, that's your baby's father He's right in the house There was a serious question

Okay, go ahead From Mahoney, Brian at Brian is Cotton What is your Mahoney? What is, serious question What is your What is your advice for a fellow For a fellow jeans who mistakenly

Sharded while trying to pass hot air In front of a friend You just go, that's the way it goes, man That's the way the cookie rolls I mean, what's the advice How much it, change your fucking pants I don't know what to tell you, like Yeah, if they're a good friend

That's what happens Yeah You were trying to be cute and funny And it didn't work out You know, you think you're cute You think you're cute Um There was a pretty good, would you rather

But I don't know if you want to do this Let's do it, let's do it Let's not, it's fun From Dan Pazzini Would you rather be able to turn Only to your left Or have overly friendly all Be, have to be overly friendly all the time

That's fucking ridiculous That is ridiculous Always turn to your left So your whole shit is always like Hold on a second, man That is so dumb And so great Cause to look at me

You'd have to turn Yeah, I'm like, would you say babe Hold on a second Oh wait, and then I came and go back I gotta just keep fucking turning God damn it And driving every fucking time You're like, god damn it

You're just always turning left Some stranger yells at you From over there like Hey man, you're like What? Now I know you're by I'm just, I don't feel like Doing the whole thing right now

What? Holy shit That's fantastic I don't even remember what the other option was I know, I forgot it Overly, have to be overly friendly all the time Oh, fuck, turn left Left

I'm so, I'm already done with friendly Me too, it's so tiring That's a good part of getting older You don't give a shit anymore I gotta ask you guys this We didn't ask you before But I wanna ask you now Is there anything, because we have to wrap up

Because we have another show That you want to hear Like from our sound board Or anything like that Anything, anybody here in the room That you want to hear Oh, City Connection Alright

City Connection is the best Let's all sing it, okay? Okay, here we go Ready? This is really good song, huh? Baby, baby, baby, baby Inochi ga te Papa, mama, boku wa

Otsuomenai de Ano soge shiru odo Suki no anda Unya wa Kimi yo Hanasanai Green, green Day, I wanna ring it tonight

I have not actually heard My voice in the conversation For nearly three years now Oh, shit That woman's my favorite That might be one of my favorites To foreign accent syndrome I have not heard, sorry

Oh, yeah, of course Stevie, we got a ton of Stevie He had a heart on Oh, sorry Alright People changes People changes If you think you're big enough

Do it because when you put me down You better kill me Because if you don't, I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you That's why I get my name snicked from I ain't afraid of them Never have been Except for the rise of kid

Except for that one huge chunk of my life Where I was Fucking idiot She ripped my ear ring out of my ear Had to go to the hospital And have stitches over that And when I asked her that one time I said, you ever been hit by a guy?

She said, no I said, well, now you have I'm not like these other men That you can run over And just push around I say, I'm myself But I've got a temper I can control it

But not always I was gonna knock her in the head one day Out here beside the garage Because she called me And I retarded I was gonna knock her in the head With a claw hammer I mean

Retard, obviously What the Retard, it's retard Clap if you hear a retard Thank you, one lady New lady in the front Hello Objective lady

She is ejected I know She's never heard the clip before Okay, all right Well, you know what This should be easy He's saying retarded I was gonna knock her in the head

One day out here Beside the garage Because she called me And I retarded I was gonna knock her in the head With a claw hammer Thank you Retard

I'm gonna try to dispose of the thing in there Okay Whatever, guys Oh, Chuck Woolery Chuck Woolery He's crazier than cat shit on Twitter Are you following him on Twitter yet? Oh, you gotta follow him

It's all right-wing conspiracy stuff Like, he hates Obama It's like, the government doesn't know What's good for you I do I like that This is great This is like church

Where we sing out the songs we like Where is it? This little light of mine Where is he? Here we go Then greasy Yeah Then greasy

And then You Make My Look at the pages and pages Of awful things that we say There's so many things here How many pages do we have of sound bites?

There's a series One, two, three, four Jesus Christ One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight There's 40 on each page And we have 13 pages And that's just like That makes my position right

Last year I want to have, you know You You make my position right I like that guy the most Dirty and disgusting All right Oh, bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo

There you go, there's that All right You know, when you're Puerto Rican You're just Puerto Rican Any last words from the World Wide Web? Anything? I think we covered pretty much All right

This was, as always, so much fucking fun The Ice House is the shit Congratulations You guys were great We hope you have a great holiday weekend Thank you for coming out Thanks, meow And we'll do it again soon

All right, we love you Thanks, guys Honestly You know what I'm saying, Mike? You know what I'm saying? All the friends Like this, you know what I'm saying, man? My mom lost

You know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying? By that same French excellence You know what I'm saying, Mike? He's the mayor, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, he must be the mayor Here we go You know what I'm saying? Like this, you know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?