Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Live From Toronto-240-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 18, 2014

Oh, Canada, you're such a nice place with really great denim and also you floss! This is the Live podcast by which all future live shows will be judged. The Canadian Mommies are real and HARD F***IN CORE! Toronto is no joke, you know what we're sayin? Tommy and Tina drop dreams on you! Who requested a T Bunz piledriver? Which race crawled up in Tina in her sleep-filled mind? We try to understand what people are sayin. Pretty sure that one of them is even too advanced for the most seasoned mom. Give it a shot, ketchup/mustard! Can Britney Spears sing? We have evidence that suggests your opinion on her vocals has always been on point. Plus Aunty FeeFee drops knowledge thru music and Top Dog raises even his own brown bar! Remember, "It's Only Smells." 

Oh, this is it, the big kaboom Toronto episode, live from Toronto, you're going to get it here in just a moment. Very quickly, right now, I am in Hartford, Connecticut at the funny bone in Manchester at the mall. I'm sorry, where? Fartford. Thank you. Next week, Friday, Saturday and Sunday only, Christina and I are together at the Ontario California Improv. Please come out and see us together. I have a bunch of dates coming up, including Sacramento, Columbus, Pittsburgh, and Denver. I'm excited about all of them. There's a bunch of other shows there, all at TomSegura.com. Christina Peay, which dates

do you want to? I'm obviously on Ontario, and then I go to Rooster Teeth Feathers in Sunnyvale as well in August. But if you are local and you're in Los Angeles, Selle County, please come see me August 9th at the Ice House in the side room in the Annex. I'll do two shows, 7.30 and 9.30, and it's for real mommies. Only. Yeah. So if you're not real, leave it at home. We want only the most real. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know what you're saying. Let's see. Also, please check out yourmomshousepodcast.com.

If you're at the Toronto show and you're looking for those pictures, we don't have the update from the photographer yet, but they will be posted on the site, so keep checking there. Hopefully, when this is up, you'll be hearing this. The furtographer. The furtographer. Then you'll also be able to see those photos. Also, please help support our show by going to our site, yourmomshousepodcast.com, and shopping through our Amazon banner whenever you're going to make an Amazon purchase. If you want to get a fart maker, a fart noise maker with buttons like the one Christina cannot stop playing with, you can get that

on Amazon, right? They have a fart maker. They got all kinds of fart machines. Yeah. That's what they're known for. You were asking me what I bought. You know what else I forgot to mention? That full weight set I bought on Amazon. That's right. I'm doing powerlifting. I got my collar locks, my weight lifting belt. I got the barbell

and the full set. Your weight lifting jeans that you wear. Full set of jeans that I have a denim suit that's specifically designed for optimum weight lifting. It's like a Leotard, like what those weight lifters wear, but a denim, right? That's right. It's all denim and it's considered to be a breakthrough in weight lifting technology. I'm very happy with it and very happy anytime anyone shops through our Amazon banner. It helps support this show. What else do you want to say about what they're about to hear?

This is the Amazon. I think... Excuse me, the Toronto show. You're about to hear over 300 mommies in one room just going bananas. It was bananas. I hope you enjoy this. We had so much fun that night. It's the most fun. It really was the most fun. Yeah. I think it translates the electricity in the room.

I've told you before, it might be a little distortion at points, but it's as good as it gets for us as far as what we could do. Tom and I were just talking about it today. We did it in an old abandoned movie theater. What we're doing with your mom's house, this is the beginning of something nobody's doing. We literally are forging a new path. You guys are a part of something very cool and special and I don't know, it's kind of a crazy trip, right? Yeah, it's awesome. We're doing it like in old school, punk rock style.

Punk rock jeans. And all these crazy places. Thank you again to everybody in the Greater Toronto area for coming out and supporting the show. Here it is, live from Toronto. It's summer time and isn't it great? It's summer time when everything's great. See all the birds in the sky. Time to hit the pool. Watch the people pass by. It's my favorite time of year. It's summer time and isn't it great? It's summer time when everything's great. I hope they're dead. Can you hear us? Can you hear me all right?

Everybody good? Everybody jeans up? Can't see us? What's going on? Let's... How do we fix that? We gotta back this ass up. Most important thing, watch the beer. How's that? Let's try that. Canadian American teamwork, guys. Better? Yeah? Does that work? Let's see if this thing works or not. Hold on a second. Let's see. It works. That was pretty fucking good. Acapella? Social. Do you want to just take it off from here? Okay. Do you want to sing Let's Get Social? Do you want to take... Yeah. Ready?

Hold on. Let's start with Let's Get Social. Let's do it at your mom's house. Ready? Okay. All right. Let's see. Showing you things you like. Oh, shit. All right. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. Okay. Because that was fucking beautiful.

He said acapella. You're right. Let's do it with the music. Let's do it with the music. No. You fucking take over. You're showing us things we like. Go ahead. Too music. You do it. Okay, now you want music. No, if you fucking want music.

I didn't know we had it queued up. Okay, motherfucker. Here we go. All right. Hey, guys. Welcome. Showing you things you like. Try to get engagement. Listen to photos from my life. My kids, my kids, I'm begging.

I'm hoping you'll share my son. That's all the words I know. And sweetest to the world. If you help me grow my clouds. I promise that I'll share yours. Oh, yours. So connect with me. Let's have some fun.

And show the world how this gets done. Let's get social. With social media. That was fucking good. Let's get social. Social. With social media. I hope this is somebody's first time at this.

And I tell you. They're like, what fucking sales conference are we at right now? This shit sucks, man. You bought a ticket to this shit? I want to back you up more because I see the shadow. Our pyramid scheme. Okay. Hold on. Hold on. I'll take it from here, sir.

That was really good that you were right. Good Lord. That was a dream come true. Oh my God. It's so much better with a live audience. Usually it's just the two of us. And Athea, all huckstable. I know he's at home.

It's harder to take him international genes. So he's with the dog sitter. Yeah, we miss him. Yeah, I don't know what they would say. If you're like, it's my dog. I'm doing shows with my dog. Because customs kind of sweats you hard. I mean, I'm sure you know that.

But like when you're like, I do shows. They're like, really? What kind of shows? I show them the t-shirt? Yeah, that might work. I'm selling this shirt with my dog on it. 24 seven. 24 seven.

All right. What's that? What? Well. I don't want to go to fucking Canada, man. It's just colder than the motherfucker up there. Fuck that shit. That's in Athea's, that's an impression of Athea.

That's not really Athea. I listened to him and then I communicated. Athea has his own voice, guys. This is not really Athea. Friends? No, he's with the dogs. Friends are the worst! I walked right into that too.

That whole row. I know you're like, what the fuck are you doing? I see it, I see your fucking faces. Like what the fuck is going on? Oh, you're strangers to this. Get used to more weird shit. All right? Yeah.

It gets weirder, it's going to be disgusting, it's going to be great. We have so many treats for you guys. There's so much to talk about. So much to cover. I think we should um... Yeah. We should wipe down.

Yeah, it's definitely wipe down. We uh... There really is so much to do. It's going to be like an extra long bonus episode at your mom's house. Oh, man. Oh, man. Yes!

Let's just do this shit right. Let's do a proper clip and then start the show. Does that sound good, everybody? Can we do that? All right. All right. All right. Here we go.

You know what I'm saying? Everybody walking on the face of the earth trying to judge a J-Rock. You know what I'm saying? You see what I'm saying? But I ain't shook. I'm trying to take me own stuff. But they can't, right?

You know what I'm saying? You're saying no. I'm saying too many times. 80 or 90 times. That's too many times. Once or twice is cool. But 80 or 90 times, man? What are you from the department?

You know what I'm saying? You're taking the known census? You counting my known sans? We'll hang it out, right? It's eight or nine times. That's too many known sans. What are you saying? You're writing on my jack.

You know what I'm saying? I'm just trying to have a good time. You know what I'm saying? You're counting my known sans. How am I supposed to be myself when you're counting my known sans all the time? You know what I'm saying? J-rock, like, you're saying it.

You're saying what? Know what I'm saying? This is a big time! Who is ready? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stands! Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house

with Todd, Sigura, Tom, Tsutsu, and Christina, the jitsinks, and Chris and Trevor Sinsky. Welcome to your mom's house. Oh, man! Oh! Woo! Wow! Wow! Wow!

Nice! Tom, that was amazing work. Thank you. Yeah, I mean, you know, just, I do shit. Put a little extra stank on it. I mean, I lift, you know, I lift weights. You do kind of a Hendrix thing, too. You use your tongue.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, like, when you get really good at playing a song, you can just, you just can be more free with it. Yeah. It changes every time you add a little nuance, a little something extra. Yeah, I mean, like, I'm a professional. What the fuck, you know?

It's really good, Tom. You know? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Good. That is the J-Rock, you know what I'm saying? The Canadian. We finally saved it for Canada.

For you! Yeah. There's, there's so many good ones. My favorite, I think, would be this one of his. This is the best one, I think. Nomes. Hey, you want to see my new one, boy? Yeah.

The motorbike. Nomes. Awesome J-Rock. Pretty tight, ain't they? That's pretty tight, for sure. So good. That's the most creative, you know what I'm saying, I've ever heard in my life.

I mean, it's right up there with, you know what I'm saying? That was pretty good, too. That to me, that exemplifies the, you know what I'm saying, the Shook Night documentary, because he literally said nothing and then said, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Which is really hard to do, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I'm like, pshh, you know what I'm saying? It's like when somebody starts a sentence, like I was listening to this song, Ladies Night with like Lil' Kim

and Missy Elliott and Angie Martinez and Missy's verse, she starts by going, you know what I'm saying? Huh? First. She led with, you know what I'm saying? That is, you know what I'm saying?

Fucking impressive, right there. I don't know what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah, I mean. I ain't never had a job before in my life until I started working for shit. You know, in and out of jail, you know what I'm saying?

Did a little bit of everything, you know what I'm saying? Nah, I'm, pshh, you know what I'm saying? Ow! Wow! That's the best. That's good. That's the best.

Now. Wow. Yeah, that's a wow moment. Wow. Absolutely. That's what Oprah would call an aha moment. She'd be like, mmm, I know what you mean now. That's not what Oprah intends at all.

You don't think so? Nope, not at all. Not at all. You know what's interesting? The last Ramon died today, guys. Are you bummed? I'm bummed. Boo!

Sirs, I know he's no Biggie Smalls. They're Ramon's. Let's poll this fucking room right now. Biggie! Biggie or Beatles? Who's- Biggie! Wait.

One at a time. That's not how you do a poll. Relax. If you only had, if there's your last fucking chance to see anything, all your friends and family can be there. You can invite as many people as you want. You have an option.

Would you rather see everybody- Don't do it. That is rude. That is fucking rude as shit. You know what I'm saying? That was- That's a new one I'm excited about. If you would take the Biggie concert,

make some noise. Yeah. And if you want to see John and Ringo and Paul. Don't set it up like that. That's not cool. Oh, okay. Clap if you want to see the Beatles. Love is all you need.

See? Nobody clapped. There was nobody clapped. Is that your impression? That's what's up. Honestly, that wasn't a terrible impression. That's good. You have to do it like you're eating a chicken leg.

Like you have to be eating as- Yeah, do it. Try it again. There you go. It's pretty good. I don't even know what he says. He says I put the DKNY on the DKNY. You know, a lot of times I pretend I know it's being said. And it's just more about its ability to make my head.

He's good. He's good. I do like Biggie. I don't dislike Biggie Smalls. No, of course not. I just like the Beatles more. I mean, yeah. Okay.

There's the- that's rude as shit and- I feel like this show is not as exciting as it could be. Yeah, do you feel like a- It's just not fun. Sir, let's just make it fun. There's fun. Chips? Chips are being poured into a bowl.

Chips in a bowl are fun. All right, we'll do it your fucking way. HOT 97, what's up? All right. It's the worst. It's the worst. Friends are the worst. So, you know what I'm saying?

We- You know what I'm saying? We did- on one- what was the last live show we did where I broke down what a rapper is saying for you? I think that was in New York, Brooklyn. That's right. Virginia and Brooklyn, right? Lil' Webby, they were talking about Free Boozy

and I broke it down for you. There's a new submission. I haven't- I just pulled it. I haven't really listened to it, but I thought we could listen to it together. Okay. And then we could figure out if I know what he's saying. Okay.

Here we go. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, but nigga fuck me one time. I ain't getting a nigga shit to fuck me again. That mean I like that dick. You know what I'm saying? And I don't like that dick. You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? I'm a real nigga. You know what I'm saying? First of all- I have a lot of- That he definitely is in the running for the most, you know what I'm saying? That was good.

In a short amount of time. He hit probably, I think, 15. At least, yeah. Now, do you know what he was saying? All right. I heard some big words in there. I heard an n-bomb. Yeah.

I heard something about leaving. He wants to leave something. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Other than that, I'm at a loss, dude. I have no idea. That's where you're pulling out, right there?

Yeah. Big words. That's- I could clearly understand that and some of you know what I'm saying. And about leaving. Somebody's leaving. Do you know what he's saying? Anyone can decode?

You got it? Sir, go ahead. Play it again. All right. Yeah. Yeah, I got this shit. Let me hear it one more time real quick. Yeah.

I mean... Here's what I think he's saying, okay? Okay. He's saying that it's BG and I think he's talking about somebody was getting, is scared to leave his record contract. Like he's under record contract and he's saying that dude is scared to leave the label. And he's also says that somebody fucked him over, right? And then he's like, I'm tired of that.

He was a ho getting pimped and he was getting that dick. He's like, I don't want that dick anymore. Okay. That was the analogy which was beautiful. It was a beautiful analogy to make. That's what I think he's saying in that. Wow. I can't believe you extrapolate that much.

You tell me. You said you want to hear it again. You tell me how good I did. Here we go. I like to hear it again too. You know, I was like, man, I'm getting independent money. You know what I'm saying? And I'm straight.

You know what I'm saying? I'm like, you know, big man playing the field. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know, they all know how to leave, you know what I'm saying? But you know, man up.

You know what I'm saying? They can paint me. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying. I'm like, they can print me. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, they can fuck me one time, I ain't hearing a nigga say the fuck we again.

That doesn't mean I like that dick. You know what I'm saying? And I don't like that dick. You know what I'm saying? Because you know I'm a real nigga. You know what I'm saying? You might have lost. Wow!

I didn't hear. Anything. What do you think? Sir, it's about between labels. It's about between labels. Okay. Yeah, I'm a fucking genius. Yeah.

Wow, congrats. That was good, you guys. I'm impressed. Thank you. I didn't understand that. To further extend this, let's see if we can all tell what somebody else is saying. Okay? Let's see if you can get this or not.

Let's go. Hey, what's up? Can't get the master. Yeah, what's up? Tony Webber. Boss man. I own the style of life. I own Facebook.

I put a million dollars on it. So far, I own the satellites. I got it. I own Facebook. Yep. I have a million dollars on the Italian mafia. Yep. And I also like tone low.

I heard. I would say underrated. I mean, he's good. Yeah. He's a great wild thing. He was a tremendous number. Yeah. That was good.

Let's see more. Okay. That's my odd name. Brutus. Brutus. Brutus. Brutus. Brutus.

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Brutus. You have my phone. Thank goodness. I give a journalist a good name. Brutus. Brutus. Brutus. Brutus.

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Brutus. Brutus. Brutus. Brutus. Brutus. Bень 320 And then he's like, what would you like for your entrain? I go, I guess another one.

I don't know. Like bring it out twice. And then he brought me. I go, dude, he brought it out. Like what was the appetizer? I go, this isn't an appetizer portion. This is like a full portion. He's like, I know after we're drinking Scott, she's like, which wine do you like?

And I go, we're good. And he goes, I'll bring you a bottle like just like an Italian mother. This guy was just like, do you eat manja, manja, you eat it. Two desserts. Dessert after the dessert. Oh my God. After dessert. He was like, do you want cookies?

No. I don't want cookies. He's like, I'll bring you some cookies. Yeah. All right. You were a little, I've never seen you really drunk. There's a few times I've seen you drunk. One time on your 26th birthday and you were jumping rope in the bar.

Yeah. That was the best. My butt. I'm on a patio in the bar. I'm like, who's that guy? I'm going to marry him one day. Ryan Sickler, who some of you know from the crab feast, right? Tuesday.

Sickle Cell came to this, and he, he gave me a, I was drunk and he gave me a jump rope. And so this is a club. They're playing hip hop. And I was just like, I'll never forget the, the bouncer bouncers usually don't come over with a smile. They're usually like, Hey man, you can't fucking do that. This guy was like ear to ear, smile. He goes, you can't jump jump rope here, man.

So great. And we were, you know, finish what you're doing, but you can't do that here. And we weren't dating yet. We were just friends at this point. And I do remember looking at you and being like, that guy's awesome. Like I really, I love it. Get a jump rope. Jump rope.

Take that shit out. We're like, ah, check out Roy Dillon's Junior Bitch. Like a boxer. But then we were wasted. We were walking around, uh, what's the area we were in? That was in, it was Hollywood. What's it called? Hollywood?

Yeah, that's proper Hollywood. No, no, no. Last night. Oh, last night. That was fucking, I don't know. Young and Elm. Whatever. What shirt?

That, yes. That thing. That's it. Dundas and square. Just drunk. Drunk. We bought. Yeah.

Really drunk. We bought cock rings. Yep. And I was pushing hard. I was really full. I, uh, I got her a double fish hook, I, ah, like that. He's such an asshole, and he kept yelling across, you want the double fish hook? Cold to get up.

And the guy was like, just get it. Yeah. Like the cashier. Yeah. Like the coolest guy. He's like, how many judges here? Yeah. Fucking eat that double fish hook, bitch.

Yeah. You're going to, you're going to wear that shit. We settled on cock rings. That'll be. Yeah. It's like a tri-pack. It's really crazy. Yeah.

Like you put one on your balls. Yeah. And it like, it's like, it's snug. I mean, the photo, like you're like, that is balls are going to fall off. Like they were really. Well, and also it doesn't, the, the rubber, doesn't it pull on your pubes and stuff? Probably. Yeah.

Yeah. You got to wash them and stuff too. Yeah. That place has the best shit. My favorite is just like, just a, like, it's just like a rubber, like asshole. And they're like, fuck this girl's asshole. But it's only an asshole. Wait a minute.

Just a disjointed piece of flesh. Like it's so gross. The feet? The feet that were there? Yeah. It just looked like somebody chopped off some girl's feet. Or just the mouth. Ugh.

Like, I don't, just an asshole. Just a mouth. Get in there. That's all, that's all we are. Just pieces. It's a serial killer line. Yeah. It's so gross.

The thing is that, that is how most people think that you are. Just an asshole in a mouth. Just an asshole in a mouth. That's a good album. Get my album. Just an asshole in a mouth. Just an asshole in a mouth. Um, what I've really enjoyed lately, my husband, uh, that's you.

You've been, what did you say to me yesterday? Oh. This is true. As we were pre-coital, courting, courting, you were showing me your plumage, your peacock feathers. We were naked. We were in bed. There was some kissing going on.

No, no, no. I took her, I took the side of her head and I go, you eat out of the trash. And then I, I lost my boner. I was laughing so hard because what did I say to you? Because oh, I go, you eat out of the trash like that. And she goes, yeah, and her response made me laugh so fucking hard, like, like, I've heard this shit before, like, right, like it's just Tuesday night in the cigarette house.

It doesn't, it doesn't even phase anymore. The one time you really got me good is when you're like, just get on, get on your hands and knees. Get on your hands and knees. Oh yeah. Come over here. And I was naked and come over here, come over here, and he was laying down on the bed and you go, oh, come over here.

And I was like, oh, this is kind of sexy. What's he going to do? And then he grabs my boobs like udders and he starts, milk in those big tits. The best was that like, to keep her guys. I think like three years later, we saw it in the Borat movie. Don't you hate that? Right? Like, we were like, oh, we did that way before he did that.

Yeah, it sucks. It sucks. Stop. Oh, so I had the weirdest fucking dream. Yeah, let's talk about that. Okay. We haven't even really discussed this together yet. No, we really haven't.

And last time I woke up this morning, it was so weird. Like I don't always remember my dreams vividly. And this is one that I remembered so well. I was walking down a street that was like a residential street and I would just had a towel around my waist, like a bath towel, like I would just take it in the shower. And I was just talking to people and they're like, oh, hey, what's up, man? Like, how's it going? And nobody was addressing the fact that I was wearing a towel, only a towel.

Then I talked. At least you had a towel. You could have been naked. Yeah. I know. Like, why am I being modest in the dreams? Yeah. It's really weird.

Everybody's hot. And then we see a car pull up. It has somebody in it. And we were both, me and the other person who I don't know, were like, oh, that guy's an asshole. And I was like, yeah, I'm getting out of here. I turn around, I walk away. I walk into a house.

Now I have clothes on and there's a dwarf, a miniature, a dwarf, a person, a dwarf. So. Sorry. Wait a minute. I don't know. How do you, you know, cause dwarves have different classifications than like midgets or right? Like, like, don't they have different proportions and such?

Like in your dream, you had the wherewithal to be like, you know, the, the head proportions and the, the, the, the. Yeah. I don't, I don't remember that. Exactly. She was a dwarf. I don't know the medical classification of the type of dwarfism that she had. Was it the hot dwarf from Little Women?

It was not the hot dwarf from Little Women LA. No. It was just. There's like one super foxy one. Yeah. She's Eastern European. Yeah. She's Russian and she's like, she's smoking hot and she's like, I'm four four and you're

like, cool. Like, let's go. It's really pretty. But it was not her. It was a dwarf that appeared like, you know, I don't know, like, I can't put it together exactly what the medical thing is, but anyways, she is just like, you want to fuck? And I was like, and she goes like her husband's there and I go, what about, and she goes, he doesn't care.

Was he normal sized? No. He was also a dwarf. And she goes, he doesn't care. And I was like, I didn't ask about, I was like, yeah, so this literally happened. I, I just remember I stuck it in her mouth and I thought we were in the honesty circle. I've got one for you after this. Go right ahead.

I remember some like some pre release coming out in her mouth. Oh my life. And she goes, don't, don't finish. And I go, oh, and she goes, you got a pile drive me and she, I swear to you, she goes on her, I swear to you, I put her on her back and she puts her little, little midget legs up in the air. So stupid. And she bends them back.

Little person. And then I know her little person. And then I pile, I swear to you, this is how it happened. I pile driver and then I woke up. That's really the dream. Did you finish? No, because you farted. I woke up.

That is so stupid. You pile drive a midget. She requested it. I vivid, I'm not making this up. I vividly remember her telling me, you got to do it like this. She goes on her back. She throws her little, tiny, little cute legs up in the air. And then I squat down on her and I'm like, oh, I just, you squatted too.

That's not a good look on you, Segura, the spot. I've seen that squad. Show them your, yeah, show them. You guys have to see it naked. It's even better. Go for it. Imagine him nude. Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, God. So hairy. Well, good for you, Tom. She really liked it a lot. Can I tell you the one that I had last week that I didn't even tell you about? Oh, great. Yeah. So ever since I did this TBS show with Marlon Wayans, I've been having dreams about him

every night, like reoccurring dreams. Like sometimes he's like, Christina, you got to do this challenge. You know, like he brings me out because it's like a contest show. And then I dreamt that Marlon Wayans dry-hummed me and he was really, he's really cute. You know, like he's super handsome. So I was like, this is crazy. Like, I gave him the grease and I tell him to put some on his finger, sticking in his ass.

And, you know, I'm just kind of like, fuck yourself, to loosen yourself up. No, I didn't do that to me at all. You greased your finger and you put it in your... I didn't grease my finger and put it in my ass. But he dry-hummed on me and it was like, it was weird because like when he finished, I was all, oh, you're Marlon Wayans. But it was so nice. Like I didn't mind it.

All right. Now I wish I slept with him, you know. In the dream? Yeah, of course. I slept with a little person, I'm so mad. What did you get to? I was sharing my fucking actual dream that occurred. Well, yeah, but you know, it's like it really happened because it happens in a dream.

It's cool. I have not slept with a little person. Because you have in dream reality, your brain doesn't know the difference between reality and dreams. So I can claim that I piledrive this little... Yes! Yes. Is that really?

Do you guys sign off on that? No. Of course not. No. I'm just thinking about Marlon Wayans. You say Harlan Williams? Marlon Wayans. I like Harlan too.

Did you just string them together kind of? No, I didn't know. Do you want a piece of that? Nope. Of Harlan? No. Don't say it like that. He's sweet though.

I like him. Yeah, he's great. I'm going to tell him you want... Does your love do that to you? Does he push your head into the pillow and pretend it's a garbage pit? Yeah. You guys are going to last. It's good.

Yeah. What does he say? What do you say to her? Anything? Amish Beard? He takes... You know it's time to start because he takes his pants off. There you go.

Yeah. That's like a fucking prisoner in a guard right there. That's great. She's like pants gone. She's like, oh shit, this is going on right now I guess. Tom and I have been having a heated debate. So I saw a guy at the LAX airport, this big, great big fat guy, and he had like a, you know, like a dad pouch and he pulled his jeans up right where it hits the middle of the fat

roll and had the belt like in the middle of the fat roll. And I personally enjoy that look. I think that... Enjoy that look. Well, because I'm doing it right now. Like I think if you've got a belly, it's good if you cut it in the middle. You could fucking try me fat, so... It kind of like, it just, it helps the look a little bit and mimics flatness, which is

why I do it. But you don't see that at all. No. No. Because I, at the beach, we go to the beach in LA all the time and I see dudes with their swim trunks or shorts or pants pulled up over the navel and like, look at this fucking asshole. Like we know that's your gut, dude.

And you're like, and then I go like, I have a gut and I don't like, I don't go like, well, if I pull it over my gut, my gut just went away. Like, so I'm a fan of like, if you have a gut, you let that shit hang and you just deal with it. You deal with life. That's your fucking... I like to pull it. It feels snugger to me to have it hug my gut.

I like it. It holds it in place. You can do that at home. Like that's fine. But if sometimes I sit on the couch and I pull them up and I'm like, mm-hmm. And they're like, like, these PJs feel, but like in public, you're a fucking asshole if you pull them that high. I disagree.

I think it's a better look. It is not a better look. It creates the illusion of slimness. I like it. My stepdad did that. I have a big fat Indian stepdad and he used to do that. He cut it right in the middle of his big old belly. Yeah.

No, it wasn't. It's not cute. It looks gross. It's fucking... All right. Dirty and disgusting. It's gross. Okay.

What you got, kid? All right. We have this... You got some shit? You want to talk some shit? So... You got... Yeah.

I'm ready to talk some shit. Okay. So I don't know if you guys heard that... Britney Spears. You want to talk some shit? Call me. They... There's been audio release of her singing in the booth without...

You guys heard this? Oh, it's so great. Without Auto-Tune? Buckle up. It's really good. And then there's audio with the Auto-Tune. They're a little different. Here she is without it.

This is real. It's not ghost crew. It's not ghost crew. It's not ghost crew. It's not ghost crew. All right. Hit the high note. Here we go.

Okay. Apparently, we can all have hit fucking singles. Here is with a little magic in the booth. It's already crazy. Do you hear any difference or no? No? It's the same. Same.

She's really talented, you guys. She hits that note though. What a talent, you guys. Yeah. She's American, right? Yeah. She's from Louisiana. All right.

Yes. America's Finest. It's too bad that article didn't print that whole one that I wanted. I'll do it on the next show. About Americans. Too bad. It didn't print out for some reason. So you could bash us while we're here?

Yeah. All right. Did you guys hear this? Some of you sent this to us. Scientists say smelling farts make your cancer. Your mom's house is on the cutting edge. This is in Time Magazine. It's been a weird week in health news.

First doctor said that Justin Bieber might save young boys' lives. What? What? The hip bull cut is actually a form of sun protection. Oh, for fuck's sake. What? They come up with a dumb shit. And now scientists out of the University of Exeter are implying that smelling farts could

actually prevent cancer. Oh, damn. Other diseases. Although hydrogen sulfide gas produced when bacteria breaks down food is, quote, well-known as a pungent, foul-smelling gas in rotten eggs and flatulence. And my husband's ass, it is naturally produced in the body and could in fact be a healthcare hero with significant implications for future therapies for a variety of diseases. Wow.

Wow. Damn. Looks like I'll be cancer-free for my life right now. Yep. Yep. You're going to live a long fucking time with what I got in store for you. Yeah. It's very exciting.

Are you excited about that? That's what you have to look forward to, by the way. Do you think that I'm not going to live long? Because you kind of make your own contributions in that field. I learned from the master. All right. Fine. What are we doing, Jeans?

We have this, oh, this song, speaking of songs and singing, there's this right here. Oh, you guys are in for a treat. Good afternoon, social media, Facebook, nieces and nephews. All to the people of God everywhere. I was sitting here thinking and just reminiscing on this father's day. I thought back to my father who died when I was 15. I remember the very day. I remember what I had on.

I remember what time the call came. I remember all of that. But I was thinking about life and how in life we have our ups and we have our downs and life can go in full circle. But everything, the Bible says that all things work together for the good. Everything works together. Some days we're up, some days we're down. But all of that makes us who we are.

And I'm just so thankful for it. It's a really nice message so far if you're listening. Just see where it takes her. You never know with Auntie Fifi. That's really the thing with Auntie Fifi. The message is right. Where is this going to go? Saying that I want to share a little song with you that God placed on my heart.

Amen. Amen. Amen. It's nothing major but it goes like this. Okay. Humpty Dumpty said on the wall, Hallelujah. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. My God.

All of the king horses and all the king men could not put Humpty back together again. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. My God, my God, my God. What can put us back together again? Can I hear the church walk saying nothing but the blood of Jesus? Hallelujah. Wow.

What can make us hold again? Come on here somebody. Nothing but the blood of Jesus. She's preaching. No one's there. You know that, right? No. She's like, come on now.

Jump on in. It's a nobody. If Humpty had just looked up to God for where his help come, our help comes from the Lord. He could have gotten back together again. But you got to know who to call and who to call on. My God, my God. I heard a song where they say that the blood still works. My God, the blood still works.

Hallelujah. The blood still works. Thank you, Jesus. So I caution you, make sure you're calling on the right person. Know who you know. Oh, you'll get this in the morning. You'll get this after a while. My God, my God.

Okay. First of all, Humpty Dumpty cannot call Jesus. It's not even fair to put that on him. He's a fucking, what is he? An egg or something? He's an egg. Yeah. He doesn't have a phone.

He doesn't know. And even if he had prayed, I don't think Jesus would have thrown his... That's so crazy. And she gets from like Humpty Dumpty the egg story to the blood of Jesus. I'm not sure how she got that. It's the best. That's the point. It's just, it's as good as like, this land is your land.

That was the best one. Louisiana hot sauce. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. You're like, what? God bless Auntie Fifi. Auntie Fifi. If you haven't heard the episode where she calls in, please go find it.

Yeah. She, she wrote a song for our show like impromptu. It's amazing. Yeah. She's a really nice lady from Dallas. Very nice lady. All right. On TV.

This is about another lady. This is a fantastic clip that was sent to us a lot. This one we've been enjoying over and over and we have to share with you. A gentleman recorded himself, English is his second language, but the way that he examines a commonly used English expression really tickles our heart. I work some hours and an office, you know, and the groups of people still, they're talking in one say about Jennifer, a colleague, a colleague and colleague. Oh, I tell you, Jennifer, she is, she is really a party pooper.

Really? Jennifer poops at parties. So she, she poops at parties. So, so, and people's know this. People's. I poop at parties. I poop at parties, but people's don't know because I close the door. Jennifer goes to the party and then poops, but she do it so people's know.

Where do she go for it? Does she, does she visit the water closet and make door of the open so people's may see and smell things? This sound horrible. Maybe she go like by the tables with the gift and the present and the punches bowl. Poop on the carpets. This sound like Jennifer, you have some mental issue. Have you speak, have you speak into someone about it?

This serious, you make a poop in the, in the party so people's may know. I want to go to parties with Jennifer just to make a survey observation. She poops at parties. That accent is amazing. It's the best. Jennifer poops at parties. So fun. You milk me like a cow.

Are you thirsty? I want to breastfeed you. Hear these big myths and watch how you suck me dry. That's intense. Very intense. Here's Rocco telling somebody not to worry about. He's plowing some girl in her, in her butthole and she wants to stop because she smells something. What?

It's only smells. Okay. It's only smells. It's only smells. It's only smells. He just tells her, it's only smells. And she's like, it's my shit. Savage.

What? It's only smells. Okay. It's terrible. It's really terrible. I like to upset her when I find these clips. Great. You don't like it?

No, that's horrible. I like Rocco. I'm a fan of his. I don't like to think of him diminishing that woman's fear of her. Oh really? Let me play you the full game. Please. It's only smells.

What? It's only smells. It's okay. It's okay. Come on. It's only smells. It's nothing. Only the smell.

Yeah. I love this. Come on. Come on. Come on. I don't know. You hear the pop? Yeah.

What's the pop? What do you think the pop was? I don't know. What could make a noise like that with Rocco around? Is that bad hole? Nope. Is that a asshole? Okay.

Sorry. Please. Please. Make me nasty. Make me nasty. I love a nasty. Make nasty. Is that what you say, Joe?

You're Italian. Is that what you say? Hey. I don't know. It's only smells. It's so gross. It's pretty gross. Oh, damn it.

Oh, this club came in that I love. Don't mess with me, dude, because I can walk on water, eat bullets, and shit ice cream. That's really nice. I know what you're saying, but I don't know what you mean, you know? All right. We got to get to this real quick. I'm excited to show you this. So here we go.

Here's this. Hey, buddy. It's Top Dog. Hey, buddy. It's Top Dog. Hey, buddy. It's Top Dog. You need to write down.

It's Top Dog. All right. I called the house this week. This is a dual Top Dog and Charo call because they both spoke. A twofer. Yeah. We'll get right into it. I know.

Hey, Mom. It's funny because he says call from Tommy Segura one. Yeah. I'm number one. Your phone number can't even with your name. It can't be the phone number. You're unknown person. Now you're Tommy Segura one.

I'm number one. I had them change that. So you don't do number two. I go number two every day. Don't don't start a meeting. And they have company with me. And she can hear you. Thank God.

She just took the phone right out of her hands. Big dog. Big dog. Dad. What are you doing right now? You left the office earlier, right? I called you at the office. Right, right.

What's going on? Right, right. Well, between you and me, you're going to laugh at me. We're trading in the red Cadillac, which I'm tired of, and getting a 2011 M37. Right. My parents, I'm not exaggerating, have purchased 60 cars in less 10 years. Meow. I think because he can't get a new wife, he gets new cars.

Yeah, I think that is it. I think it is like, ah, fuck them. I got to do something to get my rocks off. I'll just keep buying cars. And like, I'll be like, do you have a retirement account? And he's like, yeah. I go, do you think maybe if you didn't buy eight cars a year that you would have more in there?

He's like, yeah, it's a good point, buddy. And then so that's why he's like embarrassed. I'm getting another car. Jesus, dad. Okay. But I think I'm done with American made cars. I have to tell you. So you're getting an infinity.

Yeah, you just own a course. A white one for mom. It's for mom, of course. Does she know she's getting it? Oh yeah, sure. Of course. Oh, okay, okay. She loves it.

She loves it. I love, I like her, her like false modesty the most about cars that she's like. If she sees like a, like a Chevy Nova, she's like, that's a really cool car and like, do you want one? And she's like, no. No. Yeah. She said the next car, our next car is going to be a Hyundai.

She'd call me that one time. That's the Catholic Guild service seen up. Yeah. God, just make sure you don't park it on a driveway. Use the driveway next door. Right? Oh yeah. Laugh.

So just so you know, so Charo is always like, she does that. It's like, it's a very immigrant thing where they like encourage whatever level you're at. Like she's like, uh, like I had a Chevy Malibu. She's like, that's a cool car. And I was like, no, it's not. And she was like, I want one. I was like, seriously?

Here are the keys. You can have my Chevy Malibu. And she's like, no, I like Lexus like, um, so I'm, uh, I'm going to Toronto tomorrow. No shit. Yeah. Love Toronto. No shit. No shit.

I guess I'm going to the fucking moon tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. It's a great city. It's a great city in the summertime. It's too bad to have winners. Yeah. But their winner isn't that brutal.

What are you doing right now? We're getting ready to go up to the first. I was watching my mouth out with mouthwash. Oh, that's really nice. Zero respect for me on the phone. Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I see you doing this for me on the phone. On the phone? On the phone. Hey, um, somebody wanted to ask you a. Ask you.

Yeah. Wanted me to ask you a question. Yes. Um, when wiping, do you prefer to relax the hole so you can get deep, or do you clench and cap so you limit what gets out? Just. I want you to just think about how he considers, how, whether or not he considers this a serious question from his son.

Well, I, it depends on what the number of, of, of the poop is. Now I've had the last two days. And I think it's because the weather has gotten hotter. Maybe I'm not having enough liquid. I've had the last two days, uh, to each day. Wow. Okay. Now, of course, when you have a one and two, there's very little to wipe.

Does it come out? Okay. Yeah. But it also depends on, you know, how your butthole reacts to what kind of poop you have. You know, so if you have a, uh, a one and two, you don't have much poop. You know, a six and seven, you got a lot of splatter. They're really talking about the fives and sixes to do that. Okay.

Right. You know, so if you're talking a fives in there, what bothers me sometimes is when, you know, you're sitting down there and you're, you know, there's none there and you stand up and you go back to your office and there's a little, you know, you got butthole itch. Now butthole itch is caused by one of two things. Generally speaking, inferior toilet paper. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. Other, you know, you got to wet it. Yeah. The other thing, if you have inferior toilet paper that kind of breaks up when you wet it, you get dingleberries. Okay. So the quality of toilet paper is used determines whether you're going to get butthole itch and dingleberries.

So it's not, it's, it's primarily inferior toilet paper and not bacteria that causes that itch? Oh no, it's just, you don't get, the itch is caused 100% but you didn't get all the shit off. That's what causes the butthole itch. Oh, and you're saying you didn't get it all. You didn't get it all because you used inferior toilet toilet paper. Yeah.

Breaks up when you're trying to do that and then turns into dingleberries, gets into stuff. So that's why you need, you know, a guy like me who goes top of the line when it comes to toilet paper. But you know, if you're on the road, airports, office buildings, you know, wherever you might be, you're not going to have top of the line toilet paper in those kind of places. So you're going to have, you're not going to get all the shit off? No, no, basically you're not going to do that. And that's why sometimes, you know, when you're, when you do that and then all of a sudden

you're sitting down or you're on the road, you stopped off at a gas station to get some gas and you're back under and all of a sudden you notice, uh-oh, I didn't get it all. Then you start kitchen and then you kind of scratch and when you finally get to, you know, you got a little sunset in your pants. What? A sunset in your pants? A sunset in your pants. What does that mean?

That's one of his. I don't know. A sunset. I ask him to. A sunset. Some of rubbed off of your underwear. A sunset in your pants. I call it a sunset.

Jesus Christ. You are, you are an animal. You know, you got one or two choices. You can either turn the underwear inside out and still use it. That's not much underwear you want with you. Sometimes, one time what I had to do, so bad, I had to actually take some toilet paper and put it between my butthole and cheekwine when I was traveling one time. What?

Why? Yeah. Because I got some, you know, shit on my underwear. Because, you know, I didn't. Sorry. Well, are you even processing all of this information we're getting? It's a lot. There's so much information on this call.

It's different to listen to it than be on the call. I think I was just like, now I'm like, what the fuck? I mean, we got the sunset. We got the 411 on butthole itch. We realized that your father buffers his underwear, essentially puts in a maxi pad in between the poo and his... Like, this is bananas, Tommy. Yeah, it's crazy.

This is huge. This is a huge call. This is a massive call. What good? Didn't have high quality toilet paper. Okay. Okay. That's good, Dad.

That's really good. Yeah. I mean, listen. I am, you know, I'm kind of wrote the book on this as you know. Yeah. No one knows more about this than me. Yeah, people... He's right about that.

So a lot of people about the book idea. Yeah. Like from one to seven. Yeah. A lot of people are into it. Seven. All right. Well, you know, obviously that's something I think we should pursue.

Yeah, I think so too. You know, and kind of have a great section, the forward section, you kind of write that. You know, but this is something that every American has to deal with multiple times a day. Canadians too. And Canadians. Yeah. But you know, it's kind of like if you think about how all of a sudden in America the whole gay thing has come out of the closet.

Uh-huh. It was very deep for years and no one would ever talk about or acknowledge it. That even now it's out there. Right. I think the same thing can happen to taking a shit. Wow. Wow. That is a really nice analogy.

That can be the next like civil rights movement basically. Basically, America needs to face up to the fact that you basically have, you got 330 million Americans. You got anywhere between 750 and a big ship today. Okay. Yeah. You've done this. Oh yeah.

And if you think about that, if you get that kind of activity going on that much, and you got TV commercials about casters and the pens and all these other things, lots of stuff on TV about taking the leak. Right. You know, other than an occasional hemorrhoid commercial, you know, there's nothing about bombs away. Okay. Let's talk about it, you're saying.

Let's talk about it. Yeah. I think we should have a national conversation on this. Has mom been shitting at all? You know, she has, but she, you know, given her diet of 98% carbohydrates, 2% protein. Yeah. Which is, you know, for someone who doesn't get, you know, who's really laughing, guys. It's on a roll multiple choice, multiple choice.

Okay. It's like multiple choice. Doesn't gain weight. Okay. Which is even more amazing. Can I ask her? Can I talk to her real quick? Yeah.

Hold on. Have you been taking healthy shits lately? Selfie shits? Yeah. Shit. She's just really upset, Tommy. She's fired up. She's going to a new gym.

That's what she's saying. All right. I love to upset her. If you don't know this, the whole thing is I like to vouch in front of her. I like to curse in front of her. And the thing that upsets her the most is definitely like shit stuff. So when I say it to her,

I say it more just to get her reaction, the same reaction I got when I was 11, which is like, you take a shit today? She's like, hey. Don't talk like that. We're going on a cruise with them in September and we're already planning every morning.

We decided this morning that every morning we're going to ask everybody how their shits were from last night's dinner. We're going to have to discuss it. I kept talking to her on this call and she's like, oh, I got to go. And so I called her again like 15 times until she answered. Hello?

Jesus. Hello? Well, I was in the other line. In the other line, you don't hang up with the people who talk. So I bring them up and I am the one making the call. I just came to hang up now. I couldn't do that.

All right. Look, what's up? Are you taking healthy shits or not? I'm taking healthy shits. I wanted to share with you about buying a car. What do you think of that one? You guys are out of your minds. You know what?

The guy just went running in both names and said, it's not my name. I don't know if you can understand her. What the fuck is she talking about? She said that when they bought the car, the guy said, do you want these in both people's name? And she said, and my dad said, no, just in my name. And I said to the guy, you know, he buys everything in his name.

And the guy said, be careful. Maybe he's planning to kill you. Say? She's right about that. It's funny that you say that because my kids know that if something happened to me, it wasn't natural. He did it.

So have you been having trouble taking shits lately though or no? I do normal shits. I don't do the kind of shits you do. But I know sometimes you struggle with shitting. I sometimes struggle with too. It is struggle today. I didn't go today.

You didn't go today? Yeah. No, I ate too much good. Mom, that's a problem. I know. I have to eat an apple. An apple takes the doctor away. What?

I'm glad you asked me because I was eating my cereal. I was so good eating my, I make my, my, what is that name, the cereal that you call? That I make it. Let me ask you this. The oatmeal. The oatmeal that I make is you cook it for 20 minutes and it's done and I have 40 weeks.

It keeps me religious. She's crazy. Now I'm eating so, so, so. How have, how have dad's farts been lately? Have you talked about something yet? I'm talking about fun stuff and you talk about farts and shits. That's it. That's my joy is just to upset her.

All right. We got to get going here. We got to wrap this up. All right. Let's do the final segment. All right, guys. You know what time it is. It's time to fill her up and excellent work Canadians.

All right, guys. Since we're in Canada, my motherland, let's do fill her up. Seal her shut. Canadian additions. Whee. All right. Are you ready, Tommy? I'm ready.

First up, would you rather fill up and seal shut Celine Dion? Whoa. So unbearable or Sarah McLaughlin. The unbearables. Both of them. Oh, so unbearable. It's people. Do you want to fill up and seal shut both?

Do you want to fill up both of them, sir? I really got to pee. I think I would go with Celine because I hate Sarah's animal abuse commercials. You have no idea what you're getting yourself into. Celine Dion is unbearable. Like, I've seen her on the Barbara Walter specials. She's a lot. She likes big guys with beards.

I've seen her fucking husband. All right. Oh, that's true. And I'm like fucking 70 years younger than him. So she's going to be like, no shit. Nope. I take Sarah. You can pile drive me?

And I'm like, yeah. No. Celine, you're so fucking wrong, dude. Celine Dion's not going to let you pile drive her. She's not going to go down on you. She's not going to let you go down on her because she's all fucking uppity. And she's all, oh, I'm Celine Dion. I'm a diva, blah, blah, blah.

She's way too high maintenance, bro. You're never going to get it. I disagree. I think that when I put her in the dog and I get her one of those Pony Play butt plugs that have horse hair on them on the back. Nope. She'll be like, I am your spirit animal and I want to do this shit. I think you're wrong on this one.

Let's see what these fucking Canucks have to say. Now, Han, I haven't given you my decision. Sorry. I'm going to go with Sarah McLaughlin. Number one. Oh, that sounded... All right. She's damaged goods, a lot of emotions, a lot of...

And we all know emotional bras really try hard. And I feel like you could make her do a lot of things to you sexually that she... Like she'd be out of her comfort zone. Yeah. And then you could be like, I'll donate money to the dogs. And she'll be like, all right, I'll like your butthole. Like, you know what I mean? I like your approach.

I still think, you know, the fucking like penthouse at Caesars Palace where the Celine owns is... I'm going to be like, hey, that was fun. Get some fucking crab legs up here. Let's do this shit. Right. I totally disagree. Damaged goods are where it's at. Damaged girls do way more.

All right. Well, now let's see what these locals have to say. Who would take, fill up and seal a show with everything you got Celine Dion? Woo! Woo! Well, well, well. Shit. You know what?

More for me. Fuck y'all. Wow. Sarah McLaughlin. Oh, the Canadians have spoken. Fuck you. Fuck animals. Damaged always.

Okay. These are my favorites for the boys. Peter North. Jesus. Super famous porn star for the young ladies. Do you know who that is? It's old school. I love it.

I think it's certainly a turn off. Okay. Peter North, old school porn star or John Candy, who is not with us. You understand, like, they're two different sides of the spectrum, but they both have their merits. Yeah, one's dead and one's alive. But let's say alive, alive John Candy. Like, it is hated.

I'm going to go piss in the alleyway in a second. Are you going to have to urinate? Yeah. I'm going to, I'm going to piss. You want to press pause? No, no. I'm just going to go pee. You go talk about it and I'll be back.

All right. Let's talk about it. There's a surveillance camera out there. Be careful. Oh, that's right. You guys do that. We don't even think that way. We're just dirtbag comedians.

He could have urinated in the bathroom. I know. Joe's like telling him, okay. Okay. So Peter North or John Candy, young lady. What's your vote? Because for the story, well, alive John Candy though, right? Well, what about, what about Peter North?

Like Peter North's a famous porn star though. He'd be expecting Bush. Oh, because he's an old school porn star. That's amazing. Oh, that's so funny. Now does Peter North do gay porn as well? Does anyone know? He used to.

Right. He was gay for pay. So I just, I wasn't sure if he was gay or not. This is a tough call for me personally. I'm a huge, I love comedians. I'm going to go Peter North just because I've never banged a porn star before. I feel like he has a lot to offer. He has a pretty nice hog on him.

Right. He's kind of dorky. I feel like he's still vulnerable. He's still a person inside somewhere. I already fuck a comic. So that's like, right. I'm already a chuckle fucker. Okay.

Let's do round of applause. Who takes Peter North to fill up and seal shut? Wow. Wow. Okay. John Candy. Wow. Okay.

John Candy wins. Do you know you could have peed indoors, right? I can't do that. How'd it go? You won? Candy? Yeah. Yeah.

He's got ropes, man. Like he really... Ropes? Like porno ropes, yeah. Like distance? Yeah. Huge amount, too. You're like, do you have eight balls in there?

Like why is there so much? Oh, really? I didn't realize that. Oh, really? I'll show you some fucking clips. I think, I mean, yeah. Candy would be like nurturing and like, oh, like do you want strawberries now? And like he would be like...

Yeah. He'd be sweet. Yeah. He'd be very sweet. He'd be like, oh, he's off. And like Peter North would be like, I know it hurts. And he's going to hurt a lot more in a second. I know.

John Candy. It's really what you're into, you know? What are you into? What are you... I know what you like. What? It's on his mouth. It's okay.

It's on his mouth. I love Rocco. All right. Okay. Here we go. I bang Rocco. Last thing we got to do, we got to get this in here. Here we go.

Here we go. All right, buddies. Here we go. Would you rather... This is my favorite one sent in. I wonder who said this. This is a guy from the UK. Jeanne's high in the UK.

This is the best. Hi, mommies. I am trying to put together a Would You Rather. Be a barista in Starbucks who only serves Maria. No. But she doesn't know who you are. She doesn't know that you are you. The problem is I can't think of anything worse as an option.

I do. Okay. So here's the Would You Rather. Ready? Okay. Be a barista in Starbucks who only serves Maria, but she doesn't know that you are you. It's so bad. It's such a huge thing to deal with.

It's pretty bad. Or have your only barista be Maria. That's a genius take on that. Thank you. I would have Maria be the barista. Why? Because she would fucking assault you as the customer. If you have to serve her, you're always fucking up somehow.

Like you're always doing something that's not, she's like, I got a little drizzle on the outside. She would try to make your life better, I feel like. Make your life better. Like she would want to be a perfectionist with your drink order. Oh, she would make you a good drink. But I'm saying like that's why I would choose to have her versus serving her. Serving her is a nightmare.

It's the absolute worst scenario of your life. Your life is over. Maria is taking you to a level of hell you've never been before. Yeah, no, I agree. What about you guys? Would you rather serve Maria? Clap if you want to serve Maria. Okay.

We know what the verdict is. This one I love too. Would you rather, every time... If you don't have this, by the way, just to give you a... Is that gonna be all for you then? No. Maria. I would also like to get...

You're gonna want to write this down, by the way. It's cold. Definitely. It's cold. Venti. Soy. Sugar-free caramel frappuccino light. It's ridiculous.

But with extra, extra caramel drizzle all around the cup on the top of the bottle. Sugar-free syrup, please. Okay. Fuck you. No way. No way. Like, I saw somebody throw... A barista throw their pen when they were like...

Like, I hear from weird orders all day, but you fucking... You take the fucking cake, lady. Thanks a lot. Okay. I like this one. Ready? Okay. Would you rather, every time there is a moment of silence, your lover is whistling?

I hate whistling so fucking much. Including times you're telling a longer story. I fucking hate whistling. Or they're an avid acoustic guitar player. Restaurants, picnics, dog parks, love-making sessions. Everywhere you go, they've got the guitar. That's my own personal hell. Both of those things are my least favorite things in somebody.

Are you talking about, though, when they're like... When they're like, all right, before this Raptors game, we're going to have a moment of silence for the people that died. And everyone's like... And then your spouse is like... So it's not like... So bad. Like, literally society's biggest asshole? Yes.

That's too mortifying. I would be like, fucking break out the tunes, bro. Let's do this. Dave Matthews, all the hits. Play them now. All the way. Now, here's the thing. I've actually dated both of these dudes.

Like, I've had the acoustic guitar player who just makes eye contact and sings at you. It's horrifying. And I've had the whistler. The Chinese guy was a whistler. Really? Yeah. Made me crazy. Fuck.

What? I hate both of them. When did he whistle? Just all the time in public or on the house. You never meant... That's why you hate whistling. I hate a whistling before. And then it amplifies my hatred of whistling.

No. You hate him and you hate whistling. I don't hate him. He might... I don't hate him now. Okay. I hate whistling. Yeah.

How come you're always throwing shit at Chinese people? Tom. Between those two, I'm going to take a guitar. Definitely the fucking guitar. Who would rather have the person you're with always whistling in moments of silence? Who would take that? Really? Why would you take that?

It's entertaining to have everybody like, we fucking hate you and you. Who would take the guitar? All right. All right. Okay. One last one. This one's mine. Are you ready?

The only comedy you can hear or see or do anything with is Jerry Lewis' comedy? Or the only food you can eat is canned. All the time, just canned food. Think about it. Jerry Lewis all day, every day, or canned food. That's real. That's really Jerry Lewis. Yeah.

Oh, fuck. I don't know. Or canned food. Canned food, some of it's great. I love Hormel Chili. I love corned beef hash canned. It's fucking great. Wieners, like Vienna sausages.

I think both end in suicide, but I think... Melonization. I think Lewis, I killed myself that day. Like the seventh time I... I'm going to eat a bullet right now, yeah. Canned food. Who would choose Jerry Lewis over canned food? No other laughing, but with Jerry Lewis.

No laughter in your life. Just like four vegans. That's it. Do you hate canned food that much? No. It's hard. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay.

There's the door, sir. We'll let you stay. We'll let you stay. You want to fucking go now? There's the fucking door, son. Get the fuck out of your way. Do you know that about him? Do you know that?

That he loves Jerry Lewis? Yeah. You did know that. You guys talk about Jerry Lewis a lot? A lot of Jerry Lewis movies aren't like, what are you doing after this? Let's go watch the Jerry Lewis movie. You like the original Nutty Professor.

All right, we got to talk. I don't even know you. All right. Holy shit. Ending the show on a down note, but I still love you. This has been a crazy, fun experience to come here, and you guys have been super supportive and fun. So thank you, first of all, above all else.

Thank you very much for coming out. Love you. We would definitely like to come back, so we'll do it again hopefully next year. If you guys want to come out, we'll come out. The other thing is, oh yeah, here at the venue, after the show, this place stays open. There's going to be a little shindig after party,

if you will, hanging out, so you're welcome to hang out. We will be in the lobby for anybody that wants to say hello. Meet, photo, anything like that. We'll be there. We also brought the new Theo shirt and the jeans unit, the bike shirt, and then my special came out on DVD and CD, hard copies, so I brought, they're not even on sale yet, but I got some, so I brought them if you want one.

If you don't want one, don't worry about it. Don't say hello anyways. It's not like, I don't have any cash, and that shit. It's fine, we know, we get it. Yeah, thank you guys so much. This has been amazing and fun, and we love you so much. And we'll see you out there, okay? We'll go pee in the alleyway.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's not bad. Not bad at all. Not bad at all. Not bad at all.