Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Live Super Show-267-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 12, 2014

Jeans Unit Mount Up! This is it. The mountain top of YMH. We give you some Portland show and Chicargo show (Seattle was AWESOME BTW, just not as good audio quality). We get into prison talk, break down some drunk talk, sing POP, Braxton songs, Dental Updates, Would You Rather's, Fill Her Ups and soooo much more!  This is the SUPER SHOW episode of Super Shows. Plus a special guest that's gonna knock your jeans right off!!

And take two. We had some technical difficulties. That computer fixed itself though, Gene. That's what Steve Jobs wanted to do with Apple. Yeah. Yeah. It helped you fix yourself. That's pretty cool.

It is cool. You know what else is cool? What's that? I am coming to the great city of Nolans this Friday, November 14th. Two shows at the House of Blues. The late show sold out, player. Come to the early show, 7 p.m. House of Blues, New Orleans.

The next day, the 15th Saturday, warehouse live in Houston, or Houston, Texas. 16th Sunday, November 16th. Hyenas in Dallas, not Fort Worth, Dallas. I'm there on Sunday and then Monday, performing arts center in Oklahoma City. Come see the G.O.D. All four cities. I'm so excited to do a live stand-up tour. One-nighters.

It's my dream. So you're helping me fulfill my mommy dream. I'll follow my mama's drive. That's all I fucking ask. What else? I go to Phoenix, December 4th through the 7th. Fartnix, December 4th through the 7th. Stand-up live, downtown Fartnix.

And then San Francisco, or Manfran Disco. Cobb's Comedy Club, also known as Cox's Comedy Club. December 18th through 20th. And then New Year's, the whole weekend there. In Austin, Tejas, at Cap City with Christina P. I added a whole bunch of new dates for 2015. All at tomcigura.com. Please check it out.

See if I'm coming to your city. Stoops. That was so mature. Where can they see you? I'm going to be Salisle and Toledo, Ohio. Not Toledo, Spain. November 20th, November 21st, November 22nd, and November 23rd. Come on.

And then in Fartford, Cum-Neticunt. Fartford, Cum-Neticunt. It's really immature. December 10th through 14th. December 10th through 13th. It's a different week. It's a Wednesday through Saturday, guys. So come to that.

Just do it. I can't make up your mind for you. But you should come out and see me. It's a good way of putting it. I can't force you to do shit. I mean, I ain't in charge of you. You in charge of you, man. You in charge of you.

That's right. Oh, hey, do you like philosophical topics and comedy? Listen to my new podcast. That's D-Bro. I do serious questions with silly people every other Monday. Although I'm going to change it to every Monday. Whoa. Next week.

Now, that's a promise. That's a bold thing to say. But the response, you guys have been really loving the show. And I appreciate that. So I'm going to step up to the game. I'm going to step it up. You're going to step up to the game or to the plate? Is that what it's called on the plate?

The plate. Yeah. I'm really good with sports analogies. I'm going to step up to the game. I'm going to knock this one right out of the house. Out of the jeans. I don't know. Come on, man.

Come on, man. Shit. Shit. Fuck me in my ass, man. Whoa. All right. You axed for it. We also have a store on your mom's house podcast.com.

Lots of shirts. New shirts coming. One should actually be out maybe by tomorrow, maybe the day after. So within two days, you should have it see a new shirt on there. And I'm going to push them to restock things that are sold out. Push. Push. But it really helps.

It helps to show when you shop through our Amazon banner and when you shop at our store for anything, shirts, DVDs, bonus episodes of your mom's house, CDs, all of it. So we appreciate you. Another way you can support not just us, but a lot of comedians that are on the All Things Comedy Network is by actually putting your money where your mom is. We have a new studio in Hollywood. This is the All Things Comedy Studio. And it's an awesome organization that we're a part of.

I call it an organization. It's really just a collective. It's a collective of artists. Yeah. Comics. And they provide you with free podcasts. There's so many different ones. And they're so good.

And it's really rare to have an organization like this. So what we're asking you to do is go to TubeStart. And if you type in All Things Comedy, we are trying to raise money to get this studio top notch. And actually, your moms can use this studio too. This is the kind of thing where we'll be able to have a guest who might not otherwise be able to come to our home studio. We might be able to meet them at this studio.

And it could really benefit not just us, but everybody that's involved at All Things Comedy, it's a great organization. It has comments from people who've donated. This one here by Edward Plattis on the TubeStart page says, $25 for its endless podcast. Sounds like a bargain. Monday morning podcast. And your mom's house are my favorites. And actually, right now, we have raised $2,913 of the $10,000 goal.

I'm going to put the TubeStart link on your mom's house podcast.com's homepage so you guys can see it. And if you want to donate, please do. Here's the All Things Comedy. Here's the All Things Comedy studio. This is it. This is the studio. I'm in the studio that we're hoping you can support.

We are doing this all on our own. There's no executives involved. It's all comedian-owned All Things Comedy. So we actually own our own distribution network. So it's basically a bunch of guys that couldn't work regular jobs. It's scary, but we need your help in getting it set up. We have a lot of stuff that we want to do. We have great space, an old internet heavy metal radio station that we found.

So yeah, we're in a great spot, but we have a lot of expenses and we're hoping you can help us out. If you donate $5, you get a sticker that says, I support All Things Comedy. This is the sticker right here. There it is. And you get a coffee mug for $10 and a t-shirt for $25. So you're getting stuff back. Really want you to support us. Tremendous amount of expenses here.

But with your support, we can make this baby live for a long time and not charge the balance of time coming in. And actually help make them money and continue to distribute free time. All right. There you go. Thank you. All right. There you go. So please, this is our family.

Go to TubeStart. Go to the link. We're going to put it on our site. I'm going to do it right now. There you go. Right now. Right now. Right now.

Jean's, we have a very crazy weekend. We flew from Los Angeles to Seattle to Portland to Chicago. Back to Ellen. We did something kind of unique this weekend. We kind of built a blueprint for a live show and did that show in these three cities. They weren't all exactly the same. There was overlap. There was unique things that happened in every show, but it was kind of a blueprint.

Instead of releasing, we obviously are not going to release that over and over. We just, we're cutting together the two best audio quality files, which happened to be from Portland and Chicago. That is not to say that Seattle was anything less than amazing because it was. They were real mommies in Seattle. Oh yeah. That's a real fucking joke. And this has nothing to do with the city or the people. Yeah.

It's just the quality of the audio is just better in these other ones. And I'm also actually, I met some great audio people on the road this week. I'm getting a whole new travel kit so that hopefully all future shows sound more amazing on the road. But to everybody that came to any of the shows, thank you so much. Or came at the shows. Thank you so much. If you guys were nine at the live show, that's what it's all about coming nine times. I was seriously so blown away by how amazing our audiences were.

And you guys are so loving and kind. And it was, it was a blast. And you'll see in the Chicago episode, we drop a major mommy surprise on you guys. You ain't ready though. I don't think they know. No, you're not ready. It was, it was bananas. It was awesome.

Bananas. Ba la la. Sounds like. All right. We'll enjoy a little bit of Portland and a little bit of Chicago. And we'll be back next week and we'll talk about how fucking nuts this was. Love you jeans. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. So exciting. Thank you for coming, Jeans. I'm so happy to see you guys.

All right, let's see. It works. Yelp squat right there. Is that loud enough? Can you guys hear that in the back? Is that good? P.O.P. Oh, is that louder?

Yeah. It needs to be louder? Louder. Okay. Can we get a little more volume, Dave, please? All right. All right. Wow.

P.O.P. Yelp squat, baby. All right. That's better. That's loud, right? Copter on ball and shit. Okay. All right.

Oh, wow. This is our first time doing the podcast here. This is huge, right? Yeah. This is our first time here. Fuck yeah. Thank you guys. Yeah.

Love it. We took, there's like two toilets in the green room just separated by a curtain. So that's kind of been a dream of ours. Our entire marriage. We took turns dumping. We didn't do it side by side. Couldn't do it.

Couldn't do it. You know why though? Because of all the stuff we talk, like we talk about shit a lot. The truth is we don't shit in front of each other. That is the truth. That's the real truth, you guys. That is real talk. Yeah.

Not like we, I just discovered, I did Burt Kreischer's, his fucking Burt cast the other day and he said that he, not only does he shit in front of his wife, but that she was plopping and he squatted next to her and showed her shit on his phone like, Chuck this over. So bizarre. And I was like, you can hear her shit. He goes, I definitely heard one hit the water. But I don't want, I'm not doing that.

I'm not into that either. I don't mind the conversation about it. It never grosses me out to hear about it. But I still don't want you to be like, ugh. You don't even like it when I talk to you through the door though. That even. If I'm shitting? Yeah.

I want the world to go away. Yeah. And it sucks because we're staying in the, you know, in these hotels and I can hear him texting like, there's, there's no soundproofing. And I'm like, Hey, did you get the car for tomorrow and you don't answer? I don't like that. Click, click, click. Go away.

How do you not know to go away? We're married. I'm busy in there. Oh, damn. All right. Yeah. Look, I know we get a lot of messages from people that are like, love the show, but please stop playing that guy.

So, but I'm not. I'm not going to fucking ever stop playing him. He's so polarizing. He's a hero is what he is. Well, first of all, I feel like we have to start the show by discussing which Braxton you feel like today. All right. We are the Braxton Daniels series.

We are not like an ordinary family. Thank you. That's good. Thank you. Thank you. I don't know. I mean, I feel bloated. So I feel like Tracy, but I also feel like I could see tomorrow being a better day.

So I'm a little to Wanda. Who are you? Who are you? Well, I feel like I'm like partying. I feel like I need to go out and about. I feel like Trina. Yeah. What the fuck?

I didn't know you were feeling like Trina. You're going to party. I'm going to. Maybe I'll have a Chardonnay later in the show. I don't know. I don't know. You better get your life. I know.

I'm crazy. That's crazy talk. I had no idea. That's how you're feeling. I guess you could say. God blesses a nigga. I guess you could say that. Why do you insist on that one?

I didn't know what it was. I just pressed the button. You weren't going to do that live, I thought. I thought you were going to cut me a break on that live. All right, I'll give you your next favorite one. I love the vegan for China's. Unsuckers. We did a vegan club last night.

Yeah. I know. It's so gross. Seattle. And even this lady was like, no vegan vagina. He really elicits strong reactions from every woman. People like King Ashraper's farts more than they can tolerate that man just saying the word vagina.

Yeah. But let's break it down. That he talks like he's got that John Sockers. Yeah. And ten. Fee Convichain. I don't know. He's a gross dude.

Ten long licks. Or if you're a guy, he does that. Or if you're a guy and you want to pretend that I'm licking your balls. You can go ahead as long as you're vegan. That's his stain. I love that he thinks that someone's going to watch like, oh, I'm not allowed to watch this. Okay.

He's going to dictate who's allowed to watch the video. Such a try. Or who's allowed to fantasize about it. I'm not allowed to? Oh, no. Wait. When are you going to do a video like that? Weren't you saying that you want to do one like that?

What do you think? If I put out a video where I go, hey, I'm a comedian and I have a special out. Again, a Netflix special. Pretend that I'm licking your vagina or your balls. Here's ten licks. Do what you want with him. That was hard to watch. That might be the most hate mail I ever get.

And that's saying something. Do it again. Do it face me though. I'll throw in a little. Pretend that I'm licking your balls or your penis or your anus or something. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.

My favorite part is giving the guidelines of what you're allowed to do at your own fucking house when you watch it. Go ahead. If you want to pretend that you're spitting in my mouth, that's fine. You go ahead. Go ahead. What's neat about your vegan vagina lick is that I've been on the receiving end of that lick for years.

You've never seen it. But I've never seen it. Here's what I do usually. Okay, I go. Go ahead. Why like this? Because you got meaty lips. Wow.

I grab on. Wow. Like I'm opening a curtain. Yeah. He really pulled those curtains open. And Johnny Carson, come on out. Like that kind of shit. He's spread them so far apart.

Why don't you show me how you lick? No. I've never seen it. This is different. It's fucking Portland. Let them see it. I go. I go.

I go. That's beautiful. That's beautiful. It's the white Tigris. It's what angels. She says you've got to make the sounds. So I go. It's going on here.

All right. Here we go. We watched Angel and you did that and then you tapped out and you're like, I'm not fucking doing this. Why did you stop? It's so crazy. I was so happy with it. Wait.

Well, we did it as kind of a joke. Well, you made it a joke and then I had to laugh because you were down there going, ah. Well, because we tried the, put your dick between your legs. We tried that, remember? Put your dick between your legs. And I didn't understand it. It's really easy to understand.

There could not be a simpler set of instructions than the figure eight. The figure eight. Yeah. It's easy. You're going to start with the tip of your tongue on the top right side of the head of his penis. You're going to cross over the shaft to the left side of the testicles, over to the right, cross back over the shaft to the left side and then you're going to suck.

Then you're going to take the tip of your tongue and start on the left side of the head of his penis, cross over the shaft to the right testicle, over to the left and back over the shaft until you come back to the right side of his penis and then suck. Now the reason why you're doing that is because a man's penis has memory. It's a muscle. I think she's just trying to sell videos at that point. Yeah. She's talking like a trainer.

You got to shock your muscles, bro. It's different. Muscle memory is a different concept. It's a lot of work. I'm so bored. That was so much work to remember all that though. It's a figure eight. That's what you were doing.

You were making that exact note. Guys love that. Yeah, we do. Look, if you think you're not into blow jobs, just do that noise. If you want to really blow it, just back off once and just spit on it and the guy will go like, holy shit. It's, listen, it's so simple. Make noise and spit.

That's it. That is so stupid. But that's how stupid we are. Make noise and spit. You can do whatever you want after that and the guy will be like, yep. I mean, if I go it, if I go, okay, I go. That's not my version of that noise. And then I go.

Is that hot? That's how you do it, right? Dirty and disgusting. No, don't hawk a loogie on it. But actually, yes, that actually will still work. I can only imagine if that's the first blow job you ever give somebody and you're blowing and then you go, the guy will be like, what the fuck? And also text all his friends immediately.

I just got the blow job in my life. Like, fucking freak out for sure. At this point, because I know you, I'd be like, why, why did you have to hawk it up? Yeah. Yeah, no. All right. That's so weird. Shouldn't we do a proper show?

We haven't even done the intro yet. All right. We're so happy to be in Portland at the anal hog cafe. The anal hog. The email was so, hold on, I have it here. This is so fucking fun. It's so chiding. It's like, I need to clear something up.

And this is in all caps. How the fuck have you not called the anal hog cafe, the anal hog cafe yet? Fuck. Every time you guys say the name, I'm sitting here hoping you figured it out. Man, get it together, guys. With love, Adriel. Yeah. So upset.

We really fucked up there. Duh. Sorry, buddy. It's done. It's anal hog forever. So mad. All right. You guys ready to start the show?

Let's start the show. Here you go. Now let me tell you something, man. Are you dropping the soap on the motherfucking streets? If you ain't dropping on the streets, don't be dropping that shit in prison unless you are motherfucking Peter Geyser. And what a Peter Geyser means that when a motherfucker is showering and he's walking around and his fucking butt naked, you're looking at dicks.

Don't be up in there looking at dicks. Once the motherfucker recognized that you're looking at a dick, he's going to think that you're on some punk time, and that's going to lead to him trying to get you to drop your soap so he can go up in the butt cheeks. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. You're running the fucking stairs.

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Fajitsyn. Christina Fajitsyn. Welcome to your mom's house. Shhh.

You're so stupid. Yeah. Wow. Oh, wow. How often? My eyes are watering. I mean, I stood up for that. Wow.

I don't think I've ever stood up while playing the intro. Are you crying? It's so crazy. I'm a fucking musician. It was like, I just felt it. I feel like I felt it. I'm crying. Yeah.

Oh my god. Get your life, Tom. You need to get your life. That was so funny. You stood up. I mean, I don't make the music. The music just takes hold of me, you know what I mean? The rhythm is gonna get you.

The rhythm is gonna get you. Get you. Get you. Oh, yeah. Play him. Play him? I've been talking to him in my head. Well, I thought you said to get some music.

This is good too, yeah. For me? Wow. What's that? All those days. All day she's been like, are you going to play in those jeans? Okay. It's genuine.

That's genuine. Now he's got that other smash hit song. I don't, it's metaphorical. I don't really understand it, but it goes, you're horny. Let's do it. Come ride it. My pony.

I don't know what the meaning is, but. Yeah. Right? Something esoteric. I don't know. It's about reading. It's a movie deck. Okay.

It's a story for reading, yeah. Well, play more of the, is he gonna play more of the song? Oh, okay, sure. Yeah, sorry. I didn't know. I didn't know how big of a fan you are. More of genuine.

In those jeans. How has that not been the theme song for fucking three years? I know. Is there any room for me in those jeans is what you say? No, because they're high and tight. Oh. Yeah. Duh.

I have been singing this. I have been singing it for days. Not when you just heard what I'm about to play you. And I was playing it in the green room. He loves it. And it's my new theme in life. And I hope. Oh shit.

That's a commercial. Day you hate. I hate what nobody's watching them, right? No. When that shit comes on, you're like skip immediately. Shit. That is good.

If that is not a full song. In six weeks, I'm fucking recording it myself. I know, right? Mama, I love you. They say in the background too, huh? He goes mama, I love you. So good.

They got to throw in the. They got to throw that in. Yeah. That's the only thing it's missing. A lot of you guys were probably like, hey, what was up with that opening clip? Good question. That is a dude who served a lot of time in prison.

And he's telling people some of the little secrets. So that was about dropping. So just to give you. More insight to him. Here's a little something, something. You know, prison life could be a scary thing. If you know what you're walking into. You can end up in a deadly situation.

Or get fucked up. I'm Big Herk. And I served nearly a decade in federal prison. And I've seen and lived through some shitty times. And this is prison talk. Do you like that he. It's tough. Set it up with death could happen.

Or you could get fucked up. For him. That's worse. That's the second thing. I know. Most people would be like, you can get fucked up or even die. He's like, no, you could die. But even worse, you could get fucked up.

I think death is better in prison. I think that's why he said that. You could die. Don't worry about that shit. But you know, it really sucks if you got fucked up. Big Herk. Like Hercules. Hercules.

Yeah. Hercules. And so then he answers prison questions. Like for instance, here's somebody. I have so many. Yeah. Here's somebody wants to know, do you have to join a gang when you go to prison? I'd say yeah.

I mean, dirt. I never joined a gang. I didn't really run with nobody. But at the same time, I did eat and hang out with a certain group of people. And if something happened, I had to roll with those people. So, you know, you don't necessarily have to join a gang, but at the same time, if you have a... You don't have to join a gang, but at the same time, yeah, you should join a gang.

Because you're going to have to throw down. He's like, if you want to eat with people, then... If you want to eat while you're in prison. If you're a cellie that's involved in gangs, and he's your cellie, you're going to have to back his ass up. If you have a cellmate who's in a gang, you're now in his gang, is what he just said. If you sit at a table with a group of guys and they're part of a certain car, you're going to have to roll with that car if shit kicks off.

So, you do have to, to an extent, get involved. Get involved is not how you describe what he's talking about. You get involved in the community. Right. Right. You know? Like, there's a volunteer group. You want to get involved?

Not like, hey man, fucking big, big nook outside just got stabbed. Let's go, let's go get involved. There's no knitting. There's not a knitting group to join at. No, you don't want to be involved. It's inevitable. If your boy has funk, you're going to have to back him up. And that's just how...

Funk. Your boy has funk. Your boy has funk. I don't understand. No, you've got all the funk. It is in there. But for the most part, you don't have to join no gang. And then he goes right back to, but I mean, you don't have to.

Of course you have to join a gang, dude. But what would you... You don't have to... Would you be with the Latins or with the Whites? Because you're kind of both. Whites. Well, you're Segura and you speak Mexican and stuff. Listen, there is not, speak Mexican.

You talk their language. You know, if you disrespect like that, you're going to get some funk. You know what I'm saying. I don't want to get involved in this situation. Fucking. Fucking. Bro. Fucking.

You talk like a Mexican. Right now, bro. That's fucking LA style homes. Shit. Shy girls. Look at that shirt, homes. That's what's up. Okay.

I'm representing. To answer your question, there's not a Latino gang that would let me join. A million years. If I was like, what's up, man? I speak Spanish. They'd be like, we're going to kill you right now. Yeah. Pinchy widow.

Yeah. No, it's just not happening. And the white guys would get pissed. The Aryan gang, if I was like, I speak Spanish. They would like, why you disrespect the brotherhood like that? You better hide that shit right quick, son. Do not. No way.

No way. Uh-uh. Yeah, but you're a fucking dominant force on the prison scene. Like you got that big old stinky beard and all that hair. Like you're a full bear, dude. Like you would, you would instill fear in a lot of those dudes. No, no, no, no, no. You don't think?

No. You're a big dude. Yeah. There's bigger dudes, believe me. But. I wouldn't walk in like, what's up? I'm a big dude. You guys scared or what?

Yeah, but like a sweet, a sweet little piece of meat like me, I'd be, you know, wiped up real quick. Dude, those women prisons. So like club men. Those documentaries are like, that sounds like a fun time going on. It's awesome. Have you seen a women's prison documentaries? They never riot.

They never riot. They never fight. It's like sandals. All they do. It's not like sandals. Yes, it is. Like it's like a couple's retreat. What I learned is the key is to get wiped up really quick.

You get a wife quick. And then you braid hair. Are such crazy women's prison bait. Holy shit. I know, huh? You'd be getting your box fucking right away, right out of the gate. I hope so. Yeah.

And you get some really cool chicks like, Hey Christina, we like you. I love it. And I hope she's real big and protective, you know, can I tell you what I think about and this is so stupid when I watch oranges, the new black, you know, they always like go down on each other. I'm always like, I wonder if their boxes smell because like they don't shower enough. That's what you think about when you watch. Yeah.

And when I watch like the tutors, like those Renaissance shows that I like, you know, they smell like shit. And they never brushed their teeth back then and they're a French and they would wear layer upon layer upon layer. It's not cool. And you only bathe if you were like the king and queen. Yeah. Like everybody else.

I always smell them from a fucking mile away. Yeah. Yeah. So on those sex scenes, they're for sure like, Oh my God, I'm a puke. It smells so bad right now. Yeah. They just had it. All right.

Let's go back to prison. Yeah. Run around and do no bullshit unless you are associated with that shit on the street and somebody in there knows you from the street. Then you're obligated. But other than that, if you weren't really fucking around on the street, then you ain't got to fuck around in prison, you know, it's pretty much you do your own thing. And once you get involved in a prison gang, you can't walk away.

You're stuck in that shit. If shit goes down, you best have your ass on you. He just flipped again. Yeah, I don't understand. He just did. Like, I don't understand. I mean, you know, but if shit goes down, you're fucked up. Like we're going to get you.

Yard, if you aren't on a yard, the homies are going to fuck you up when they get back off the yard. If there's any type of lockdown, you're going to have to roll with the car. And if you don't roll with the car, the motherfuckers that brought you in are going to take you out. Roll with the car? Yeah. I mean, roll with the car.

Anyone do time in prison? Roll with the car. I think you can. Your click homie. Okay. That's what's up. Okay. You roll with your click home.

Somebody right there knows what's up. So be smart about it and you don't necessarily have to join a gang when you go to prison, but watch who you socialize with and know your friends, you know, know who you fuck with. Real talk. You threw that in there. He's an R Kelly fan. Then the intro we covered because he basically was answering, what do you have to drop the

soap? And that's why he's like, let me ask you a question. Do you drop the soap on the streets? Like are you dropping soap all the time? You know, prison life can be, oh, that's the wrong one. Here we go. Now let me tell you something, man. Are you dropping the soap on the motherfucking streets?

Sorry. Are you dropping the soap on the motherfucking streets? I'm sorry. If you ain't dropping it on the streets, don't be dropping that shit in prison unless you are motherfucking Peter Gazer. That's the best term for that. I think I've heard. Peter Gazer.

A Peter Gazer? I'm a Peter Gazer. You a fucking Peter Gazer. I'm a Peter Gazer. You are a Peter Gazer. How do you not gaze at, like if there are naked dudes everywhere, how do you not be all alone? How do you not?

Yeah. You just don't. I feel like, I feel like I feel like when I've been naked, like in the gym and stuff, when I see other ladies naked, I'm always like, oh yeah, you're naked. Like I look. You go like that? No. Eyes on you tits.

It's called peripheral. Peripheral. Yeah. Peruvra. You notice it in locker rooms, you're like, oh, damn, I just got a big dip over there. Yeah. Yeah. You don't go like, that's a crazy dick, man.

Like you don't go like that. You just notice it. You don't see it. You accidentally, Peter Gazer is what I'm saying. You feel me? I mean, you can see it happen, but he's saying, do not be doing that shit. Do not. Because then people are going to think you're a punk.

A punk. Trying to come up in them butt cheeks. And what a Peter Gazer means is that when a motherfucker is showering and he's walking around and his fucking butt naked, you're looking at dicks, don't be up in there looking at dicks. Once the motherfucker recognized that you're looking at his dick, he's going to think that you're on some punk time and that's going to lead to him trying to get you to drop your soap so he can go up in them butt cheeks.

What a nightmare. See, Guy's prison sounds cool too, right? Yeah, it sounds so horrendous. He gives us some more. He breaks it down a little more. So your best thing to do is don't be Peter Gazen. When you go to the shower, keep your motherfucking soap in your container. If you drop your soap while you're in the shower, let that shit let it go.

It's not that expensive to get another piece of soap. Let that shit float away and motherfucking stand up straight. Stand up straight. So again, he's like, you realize he's like, I mean, don't drop soap, are you dropping soap at home? Anyways, if you do, don't fucking pick that shit up. Ain't nobody trying to see your ass, but if you're trying to show your ass up in there, motherfucking's going to recognize that maybe you giving up them cheeks.

You giving up them cheeks, you going to get tested. You know, the first test is the motherfucking might slap that ass while you got your towel on. And then you just giggle. Like Peter Cain. Don't retaliate. The next movie is for that motherfucker to come in there and squeeze your butt. And then from there, he might just come in there and just like straight like, hey, homie,

you know what I'm saying? You got to let me get some of that. And that's how it escalates. So it ain't like they come in there and you just say, man, you know, we're going to rape you and do all this stuff. Now unless you're a punk. Wait a minute. It's so confusing because I don't understand the guy.

He's always playing both sides of it. He's like, no one's going to come up in there and rape you unless like he just said it's not going to happen. Now if you're a punk, it's going to happen. I don't have nothing to give punks. If you like it in the butt, that's your choice. But if you're looking for that, there's motherfucking in there as soon as you get there, they got some hard dick for them butt cheeks, you know, but if you ain't into that, you ain't got

to worry. You ain't got to worry about motherfucking. You ain't got to worry. He just said you ain't got to worry. Remember that he said you ain't got to worry. I'm trying to take your butt. You know what I mean? So that's a lot of bullshit.

People ain't just getting raped, but if you're talking shit and you into that and you like putting yourself out there, then the motherfucking might try you. What is it then? People aren't getting raped, but if you're talking shit, then people might rape you. He might be like, fuck it, man, you talking all this shit. And you know what I'm saying? You want to, you think you hard, maybe I just knock you out and take your butt. Wait, that's happened too.

I've heard them up. Maybe I'll knock you out and take your butt. Just don't talk some shit. You want to talk some shit? Call me. Don't talk some shit. Getting knocked out and getting a butt took because they were running their mouth or thinking they were super hard or trying to care themselves a certain way.

But other than that, man, it ain't, you ain't got to worry about that. Get up in there and get you a couple of fiend books, beat your meat. You be all right. Now you ain't got to worry about nobody taking your butt cheek. Shit. All right. Well, I'm relieved. That was great advice.

How about I just don't go to prison? You can help it. Try not to. That's horrific, man. I know. I don't. You want to talk some shit? There he is.

There he is. Call me. Yeah. You know what I was thinking about? There was that guy we met. We met in Seattle. He had the most delicious smelling beard. Yeah.

This man smelled like vanilla. No, I got to correct you. It wasn't just his beard. His whole body smelled good. It feels weird saying that, but it does because it, but it was striking that a man smelled that lovely. Like he smelled like a stripper, like a kind of a whorey. He did.

Because that's, isn't that what you said that the vanilla smells like a whore's smell? Yeah. If a girl smells like vanilla, you can put it in her butt for sure. It's true. It's true because I started wearing a vanilla spray and you said to your friend. I said to my friend, I was like, ah, my wife's, she smells like a whore. She's got vanilla on and he goes, you know my wife wears vanilla about his own wife. And I was like, no, uh, and he goes, yes, you do.

And I was like, yeah, it is kind of a whore's smell, but it smelled nice on that guy. It did smell nice on him. And then I was like, what is that soap? And he's like, no, it's lotion. And I go after the shower, he's like, yeah, I put it all over my body. And I was like, I go, no, I don't want to be weird, but you smell amazing. And he was like, appreciate that. And then he, and then he was like, I gave him the grease.

No, I tell him to put something on his finger. Oh my God. Sticking in his ass and gritting, you know, to kind of like fuck yourself. Fuck yourself. That one really upset people, just in case you know. That was terrible. We got a lot of mail on that. Please stop playing the prison rate fit.

Fuck it. It's not as good as the fuck me and my ass man ghost. I love that guy. Is that the best? Fuck me and my ass man. It's on the, it's on our site. If you want to see it, the visual is amazing. It's just a homeless guy in an alleyway.

And he's got his legs up like a baby about to be changed and his die died. Just fuck me and my ass man. The shit feels good. It's incredible. It's kind of like when you're fucking me, you watch it. I feel like you watch it and you're like, have I ever heard that guy's alone? Like he's alone.

He's going fuck me and my ass man. And he starts really screaming. He's like, God damn that feels good when you fucking me. He goes crazy with it. And then you go like, have I ever been in the room with somebody there making these noises? Like it makes you question like, have you ever. Fuck me.

Fuck me. It feels good, it feels good, you're fucking me. You're fucking me man. You're fucking me. I mean. You fucking feel good. You're so good. You're fucking me, you're fucking me.

Fuck me with my ass. Fuck me with my ass man. Shit. See the guy, the imaginary guy stopped there. Yeah. There's nobody there. If you don't know. No one's fucking anybody there.

The guy's alone. And he clearly was like, hey, fuck me with my ass man. Shit. Shit. Fuck me with my ass man. I feel good in fucking the ass. Oh it feels good in fucking the ass. Shit.

Shit. Oh shit. You know what I love. You've never done that, ever. What? I've never been having sex with you but you've been like, God, God damn it feels good when you're fucking me. Shit.

I'm trying to make that happen. That's because I'm not the homeless and crazy. In alleyway. Well I don't want you to do it in his voice. I don't want you to do it in his voice. Fuck me with my ass man. Nah I failed if you started doing that. But you want me to be like, shit feels good.

No, no. In your own voice. In my own voice. No, like shit, like how you would talk. Not, God damn it. Shit feels good. No. No, never mind.

Yeah you're smart but all sales were fine all. Yeah you're smart. Yeah, you're smart for shopping here but, all sales are final, I'm sorry. I like it when you say it so much. Because I had to pull over the car when we drove by smart and final and she goes, is that like they're saying, yeah you're smart

but all sales are final and I was like, I'm gonna crash if I don't fucking pull over. I had my whole life, I thought it was that. My whole life. You're a whole life. Yeah because I could. You thought a business was like, you're smart for coming.

Yeah. No returns or exchanges though. Yeah. I swear to God. You know why I think I, because my father, my father owns a, he used to have, he just retired but he has a forklift business in Valley where we live

and for some reason I think I associate smart and final with that industrial part of town that his business was in. Do you understand? Yeah. So I thought smart and final. Listen, someone else wrote, someone else wrote in, he goes, I shit you not. My wife and I thought the smart and final

was a cash and carry type of place and have never been in there either. We thought it was an all sales final grocery store. I will never go into this store. I agree, the name is atrocious. You can't call it, it's so scary, it's so daunting. It's smart and final. Like no, no.

Okay. It's really affected you. I know, it's so silly. Holy shit. Yeah, you're smart. But, but all sales are final. Hey, I'm talking about you, you know what I'm talking about? So we got, this is crazy.

Which we got, which one? Holy fucking nolly, yeah. All right. Is there a waitress? Can I, may I please have a glass of white wine, wait staff, is someone there? Hi, mommy's, we did it, we're here. This is awesome.

It's great to be in Chicago. What's up, Shay? Look. Okay. Yes, now I got this great phone call. Where is it? Hold on. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Oh yeah, let's play that, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I got a great phone call. Here we go. Shit. What's wrong? I think I got a bad file.

Are you fucking serious? Fuck. What you didn't, you put it in that thing? Yeah. We'll try to open that one. Fuck. Sorry guys. Oh fuck.

God damn it, it was the best call with my sister. I know. Yeah. I know. You know what, instead, I got a solution. Sorry guys, this is bad. Instead of the call, how about we just bring Maria on stage? She's here, let her here.

Maria, everybody. Seriously, seriously, seriously, seriously, seriously. If you're fucking kidding me, if you're fucking kidding me, seriously, at the box doors, there's a pool in it for the guardian model. Oh my god, seriously? Oh my god, it's sober woman.

Oh my god. She's here, this is how. This is so fucking exciting. I have to be honest, I didn't understand half the things you guys were saying at the beginning. What, what do you not understand? First of all, your song, your,

the Baxter thing, the songs. The Braxton Family value song? The whole first half, I had no idea what you were talking about. You didn't understand? Anything. Should we play her theme song? Yeah, have you heard your theme song? You know you have a theme song, right?

I didn't, do I really? We have to start it right. Oh my god, is it Jane and I? Oh my god, it is. Is it the one where like, oh my god, it's here. Ah! That one? I love to play it for you, right now.

This is real. You do talk like that. I don't talk like that. Okay, here, this is, we made this. I'm having a convulsion. Oh my god, oh my god. Oh my god, seriously, seriously, seriously, seriously. Oh my god.

Take your fucking scissors. Oh my god. With your fuzzy fucking monkey hand. Seriously? At the box open, just pull it and pour the goddamn bottle. Oh my god, seriously? That's it!

I was clearly talking about Starbucks, wasn't I? Holy shit. I'm very passionate about that. Yeah, you're also passionate about other things. Come over here and shit on my tits. That's it. That's it. That's awesome.

God, smile at the big cop. That's you. So proud. I like this one, too. Yeah, I'm gonna mark all over your fucking face. You're a mother. I know. Oh my god.

We're so excited to do this. Now, you used to live in Chicago. I did. It's so fucking cold and I'm so happy I don't live here. How long did you live here? Two years. Two years? You gotta, you go ahead.

Two years. Okay. And I lived here for one year in 2007. And you left? Oh, that's right. I was in Japan in grad school. Party days? Yeah.

What was your, what kind of partying did you do? A lot. A lot of bad stuff. A lot of bad stuff. It was very dirty and you're like, so. Oh my god, you guys are so disgusting. Actually, that's your other sister. Sorry.

Where are you? You're somewhere here. Anyways, you love it. I love it. I do. I love it, love it, love it, love it. I love it, love it, love it. Oh my god.

I do. I do. I do. But you love Chicago. I do, I just don't like the cold. It's really very cold. There's a polar vortex forming next weekend. Next week.

I saw it coming from Siberia and Siberia and sea or something. Really cold. So what's going on though in the world of OMG Maria? How's Starbucks? Okay, you know what? I've been very patient with Starbucks. Yeah. You have a history of being patient.

I do. And I, I do. I've actually not been my mother. I'm pretty patient. And I, you know, I had trial and error in Detroit. I started with a Starbucks at Target, which no offense to people at Target, it's great for like purchasing things.

For purchasing things. Yeah. Like for your home, like mats and soap, they shouldn't have a Starbucks there because they're completely incompetent. But they're fucking LCs and DCs to the maximum. Okay. And not to mention that in Detroit,

first of all, I couldn't understand the place that worked. Yeah. I couldn't understand them. I don't understand. You couldn't understand people in Detroit? Wait, who do you not understand? Employees that, that worked. The people that worked at Target.

Whether it was Target or the Starbucks in Target. I don't understand. Wait, but I don't understand. Why don't you understand? Like people don't understand you. So. I speak English. It's debatable.

It's okay. So in Detroit, all the employees are kind of ghetto. Code word. Okay. And so they tend to use a little bit more ghetto language. And I don't always understand what they're saying. So I'd order a drink and they're like, I don't know what they're saying.

I would just look with a blank. Like, can I just have whatever I wanted? Like my specifically a simple bag. And you'd ask for like a simple order. A simple order. I was very articulate and I explained exactly slowly what I wanted. And I even wrote it down for them.

I showed them on my phone. And I would get very frustrated. Wait, what is your order though? Yeah, tell us what you ordered. Okay. That they were like so ghetto about. So morning order is one tea bag. Awake tea in a venti cup.

And I like two pumps in classic and steamed soy with a little bit of foam on top. Do you know how many people want to punch you in the fucking face when you say that? I know. They shouldn't. It's not that hard. It's the most annoying drink or whatever.

They would give me shit like, okay, they would charge me for a latte because if they have to steam the milk, it's extra labor. Really push a fucking button. It's not that hard. It's like this much soy. Okay, okay. Reasonable so far.

Or if it's the afternoon like my cold beverage which would be a venti decaf soy caramel frappuccino light with the sugar-free syrup in the light base. But I like toxic levels of the caramel drizzle on top and the bottom. You say this to other human beings. I do.

I do. And I'm very specific. I went, that's the caramel sauce. And then they give me crap like, there's milk and dairy and caramel, but you're drinking soy or why do you get the sugar-free base in the caramel? I'm like, first of all, I'm not asking for your opinion.

And all I want is, I like the caramel sauce. I would like to buy just the caramel sauce, but you guys can't sell it to me. So I have to order a fucking drink and pay $7 for it. So I can get the caramel sauce. I love your passion. I'm very passionate about it.

And they would fuck it up all the time. And Florida's even worse. Oh my God, they're dumbest people. Florida's worse? Oh my God, this is so bad. And every single week I've gotten a free drink because they fuck it up every time. Wait.

Every fucking time. So, you get a free drink because like, how do they fuck it up? Okay, so the first time, first of all, it wasn't even a drink. They just put the lid on wrong and I went through the dry food and it went all over me.

So I walk in, covered in tea. I was like, hi, who's the idiot that put the drink together because you tried to put the lid on? Holy shit. I was pissed off. I was fucking covered in hot tea. I would have been like.

Okay. I'm pissed. Oh my God. It's like. Multiple times. This is when we were at Starbucks last time. Was that the girl quit? What?

Was that when we were at Starbucks and the girl said she was gonna quit? What? No, that was your father laughing. Are you speaking English? Oh, that's dad. Yeah, that was dad. Okay, so it goes.

She didn't understand anything you even said. I can't understand the last thing you said. When we went to Starbucks and I placed an order with Tommy and the girl just threw the pen and she says I quit. Oh, okay. All right, right.

Right. You made somebody quit that day. I did because you got really frustrated with my order. Doesn't that tell you, wait, when you think that thought, does it tell you? Like, look at your foot.

You're like, ah. Nah. Like, but if my thing was like, I went into a bar and I placed my drink order and a guy was like, well, not doing this anymore. Then. Good luck with the rest of your life. Good luck.

Maria's the best, you guys. Maria's the best. Okay, now Starbucks. Good luck. What about, I know, so you moved to Florida, the worst, and you went, I know you're fired up because you went to the local park

and it was. No, no, no, no, no. Three weeks, I'm there. I take my kid to the park. He gets his hand, I cut my leg and Jeff cuts his foot because it's a park. Safe place for kids.

Like a haven, a fun place, right? No, bullshit. It's rusting. There's like metal shards, like splintered open and kids and tourists are supposed to come and have fun and play on the sand, but you end up bleeding. So what did you do?

I called the parks and rec people the first week and I said, look, this park is supposed to be fun and playful, but instead kids are bleeding, getting cut and they could die and there's rust everywhere. It's not safe. Should be open. Did you tell them the park was? Dirty and disgusting.

Like that? Basically, yes. It is very disgusting. And so then they said they were gonna dress it and they're gonna send someone out there the following week, guess what? There's still metal shards and rust and fucking shit everywhere.

So, and she said, will we send someone out there? And they took care of it. I'm like, no, they didn't, because I just left and guess what? I saw a fucking bandit on my finger from the park because it caught my finger. I tried to pick my son off the climbing structure. I so wish I had a fucking copy of that phone call.

So she promised me that it was gonna take care of it and to call next week. Oh, but maybe like, I'm sorry. And you're like, ah, the thing is, ah, bah, bah, bah, bah, fucker. What was a very instant ear? I caught my finger, ah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, my son fell down, ah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.

Like, oh my God, sad son. Like, sad son. But Maria, what do you think of Tom when he does the impression of you? Like, would you say that's an accurate impression? No, it sounds like you're gagging on something. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. It sounds like you're gagging on something.

I talk fast, but I'm speaking and I'm moving my lips and my mouth does open and close. You just have this like, gagging. Yeah, you're like, I'm gagging. Yeah. Oh my God, I have a son and if I can do this stuff, I can step in at Starbucks. Whatever, whatever.

Whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever. So did you work out today? I did, I actually trained my friend Shanti this morning. Shanti? Mm-hmm, hmm, okay. And how'd it go? Really well. So I think she hated halfway in between,

she wanted to quit. What? I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. She wanted to quit halfway between. She said, just a halfway in between, she wanted to quit. Yes, halfway in between. She wanted to quit, but I made her finish.

Good, good. She did. Did you run? It was really good. Did you run? No, we did like a hill climb and we did legs and core. Oh, here's something I wanted to get right.

Tell me when you went in the Navy, because people have asked me, this is a veteran here, ladies and gentlemen, and she, what was your push-ups mark and your sit-ups mark and how much time? People have asked me. In two minutes, I did 121 push-ups.

What the fuck? 135 sit-ups. Two minutes for each one, so it was four minutes total. Come on. Jesus. That's real. That's real.

She's a man. That's my dad. You're a fucking animal. I was an animal. You were? I was. I think you still are. Yeah, it's accurate.

I'm a mommy animal now. Yeah, but you still have, there's something wrong inside of your brain. Thank you. Thanks. Jean, should I go on to the next real treat? I would love to, yeah. I think everyone's gonna enjoy this.

I think you're gonna like this. Yeah, I think you're gonna like this quite a bit. Here we go. Hey, buddy. Stop dog. Hey, buddy. Stop dog. Hey, buddy.

Stop dog. You need to lie down. Stop dog. I'm dying right now. This is so surreal to have you here and we're gonna do a talk-dog call. I know, I can't believe you're here for this. So I called Top Dog, our father,

and you know what I'm talking about, right? I know. Look at that. I just decided to do something different this time. La, la, la, la, la, la. You should have my cock. I read him questions that people have emailed us and we just got his answers, so.

Listener submitted questions for Top Dog. This is crazy. Yeah. The first question that somebody wrote was, "'How should someone wipe who has a very hairy butthole?' And they pointed out that they stand the way that he had advised people to, but the wiping still continues.

Here's what he said. Say again, half of somebody wiped with a very, very butthole, but what? They stand, but you know, they stand up like you've advised, but they still have to keep wiping all the time. Well, you're not that bad. That was good.

What did he say? He hit his fucking phone button. He always, beep, and I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, what? I got a dad phone. What am I supposed to do? It beeps. Those cases, you have to use a lot of water

on the toilet paper. Now, the problem is, when you use a lot of water on toilet paper, you're going to get some dingleberries, okay? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

What do you think so far of this comment? What do you think? This is your dad. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. Hold on, it gets better. So, after you get the dingleberries, then you have to take dry toilet paper

and kind of wipe the dingleberries off. Otherwise, we're in depth with too many dingleberries in your whole area. Okay. Lots of water, step one. So, it's kind of like water drops. What is he doing? I think his face meat is pushing on the phone.

I think so too. That's what happens. Why do dads not know how to use phones? And I think it's part of, I think they go like, hey, this phone works a certain way. And then he goes, well, I'm a dad, you got a worse phone or something? And then...

They have to make a dad model. They mean a dad phone model with extra big buttons. So, they're chubby fucking fingers. And the speaker should be, like it should shape around your face. Like a helmet, a phone helmet. Yeah, it's like a football helmet. Like they don't have to move it ever.

I'm wearing my phone helmet now. Okay, so now I asked him about the beeping. Why are you pressing the button on the phone? Why am I hearing you press the button? Oh, I'm not. I'm not. I don't know why they have. Okay.

Yeah. But that's what I would do. I mean, that's what I do do, okay? Lots of water. Lots of water, but then you gotta go dry. If you, because what happens is if you use a water, it makes it taller. Dad, you keep pressing the button on the phone.

I'm not pressing anything. Are you pressing it with your face or something? Cause I keep hearing the button get pressed. No, I don't hear a thing when I'm in here. I'm hearing it. I can hear it. Beep, I can hear you pressing a button. I don't, I'm not pressing it.

I even have the phone away from my, my head now, just my head. Okay. Three beeps. This next one, okay. So this next question, I asked him, somebody wrote in the question, there's a girl I like who works,

but all places Starbucks. What should my approach be? Here's his advice. Well, if I went to Starbucks and I was a pop-up girl there, I'd say, do you, do you sweetener or Splendor? What? What? Do you sweetener or Splendor?

That's his come online? Well, let's see. Do you sweetener or Splendor? It gets better. You would say what? Do you use sweetener or Splendor in your coffee? But isn't Splendor a sweetener? Yeah, but there's artificial sweetener.

There's equal and then there's that pink one. I don't know what it is. So, okay. But would you use that line or would you say like, do you use sugar? Sure. You know, you never want to ask somebody a yes or no question

because it can answer yes or no. So. That would be a yes or no question. So, if you ask somebody, I'll either say, I don't use any of them. Oh, so you don't use any kind of sweetener. I don't, maybe, you get them to talk though. We've got to get them to talk.

Okay, yeah. Ask them a yes or no question. You know, if you say something like, is the latte your favorite? Yes, okay. I mean, you get nowhere. So you've got to ask them questions. Oh, right, get them talking.

Get them talking. Hey, did you hear how clear he was for a second? It was like Haley's comment. I was like, I can fucking hear you. And he's like, oh, you can hear me? All right, well, let's talk like that. Wait, so what do you think of your father's game so far? Oh my God, I hope he's never single ever

because he would fail miserably. This pickup line is, do you sweetener or Splenda? You're fucked is what I think. And it's, do you sweetener or Splenda? Like in a dad voice. This is, hold on. What's about to happen here is so fucking weird. You're a sweetener.

So let's role play. You be, you ask me, I'm a girl that works there, okay? I didn't realize in the moment that I was asking my father to have like a sexual role play with me. I don't advise doing it. Cause right away you're like, oh, my dad's hitting on me right now. It's weird.

But he just, he's like, okay, let's do that. Okay. Okay, go ahead. This is a girl that works there or this is a girl that is just buying stuff there. She works there. Okay, all right. So she works there and I say,

when you get coffee, do you use, what kind of sweetener do you put in your coffee? Oh, I use sweeten low. You know, have you ever tried Splenda? Oh my God, this is so bad. Come on, me and my dad are flirting. Hold on a second. Yeah, I didn't really, I didn't like it.

Well, you know, it's interesting because Splenda is the sweetener that everybody steals. Oh yeah. And there's gotta be a reason why people don't steal, equal or saccharine, but they steal Splenda. Yeah. Why is that?

I don't know. People just like it. Do you want to see my clit? All right. Wait, you just said that. You said that to your father. Right, right. But let's see if I can get any action.

Let's see what the guy says. You're gonna get your life, Tom. Watch that. Do you want to see my clit? That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good.

That's so awesome. I got an authentic dad laugh from my dad. Oh, buddy, that's a good one. Holy shit. Do you use sweetener? Wait, remember his advice for the waitress? Have you heard the one where your dad gives advice? If you want to hit on a waitress, would you say, Tom?

Yeah. So if you're a waitress, he goes, I really like the way you filled up my water glass. It's so creepy. And then he goes, why don't you do that again for me? That's really creepy. I would be more fine.

I would go the opposite direction. My shift is over. Take over. Bye-bye. Oh, I have the best plan. I'm gonna have dad role play with you and hit on you when I get home. And you're gonna be like, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah.

So the flip side, of course, a woman asked us, she says, I have a guy at the gym I'm interested in. Do I ask him out or wait until he asks me out? This is your father. Oh, God. Oh, if you want something to life, go for it. There's two types of people in life. People that watch things happen

and people that make things happen. Sorry. If she wants this guy, how does she not know that he's thinking the same things about her, but he might be afraid? So what should she do? Like just go grab his dick or what? No, no, just go up there and she said,

could you help me with this workout that I worked out? I noticed that you have good abs or good chest and this is an area I've been struggling with. What do you think I ought to do? Right. And then she could be like, I also need help stretching, especially between my legs. Stretching or whatever.

Or I pulled this hamstring, if you've ever pulled the hamstring, and it hurts right about here that it's feeling different. You can reach around and touch her. She can reach around and touch her. So you're the lady, you go, it hurts here, and then he can reach around and touch her.

So that's the worst advice if you're like, I don't know how to make fitness, can you help me? How does this treadmill work? How do you lift stuff? Would you do that? I mean, you're married now, but if you were single, you liked the guy at the gym, would you be like, hey?

You know how they go work out near him and then observe his routine? And then what? And then it kind of concoct a plan to like, concoct a little plan to cross pass. And then what? It depends, I would kind of, you kind of learn a little bit about somebody

by their workout routine. Like, oh really? Yeah, absolutely. Like would you know that like, I like to sit down a lot? You? Yeah. That's kind of a dead giveaway,

this whole situation here. She's rude. I'm honest. Jesus. So what would, what could you like, tell me what you mean, you can decipher from somebody's workout routine. Okay, so are they,

there's those people that are totally self-absorbing into themselves that, you know, like they're sitting, checking out themselves consistently in the mirror. Yeah. Yeah, it's a no-go. It's not me. They're never gonna reciprocate

and give you the attention you want. Hmm. Never. That's true. Then there's the ones that are, they're, you know, when you're working out, they're still looking, they're kind of social, that they're maybe working out there

also to pick up other people. Sometimes they'll compliment or come, you can ask for advice. I mean, you can make friends in the gym too, or pick them up. So is that like a, somebody you would talk to? Yeah, and then there's some they're open.

And you can tell by the, what they're doing, if they're, if they, you know, if they've probably played sports, are they just strength, are they endurance? Okay.

What they're wearing is a big thing. Are they playing music, are they like, they've got 50,000 gadgets, are they roided out? Jesus. There's a lot of fucking variables. There's a lot, you can tell, yeah.

It's a lot of rules. So then I go from there. Yeah. Okay. So she should go for it. Oh, absolutely. Okay. So here's the last one.

This is an email from a listener wrote, Hey buddy, top dog is a fecal genius. True. I picked up some really good tips on proper shitting techniques from him. I now stand up after shitting to seal up my anus like your dad said. I'm not sure if that's the right way to do it.

I'm not sure. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I used to sit for a while and read in my sphincter,

wouldn't seal up proper and I get some leakage. I had the same problem as mommy Tina where I would have shit crayon and get an itchy butthole an hour after cleaning myself. Shit crayon. It's so good. So gross. Yeah.

I still have the problem and top dog. Shit crayon. Yeah. Like I, here's, I sit down. I like to read too. And then I wipe and then I just wipe and I wipe and I wipe and the brown keeps coming. That's just there.

So our dad told people to stand up and let everything fall into place. Those are, that's a quote. And then sit back down. And then wipe, but wipe standing up. No, no, you stand up so that your butthole seals back up. I wanted to sit, pull your ass cheeks apart

and like, you're close to the toilet if anything does fall. That doesn't work for me. It doesn't work. God Maria. The other day, I went to the bathroom and the email continues, I was all WTF. Top dog was right. Give him a fist bump for me.

Sweet dreams, Marcelo. So I tell my dad that basically he gave great advice and in very top dog form, he passed himself on the back like, yeah, I'm always, I'm real good. So, and then he tells me a story out of nowhere. Oh, yeah, yeah, oh yeah, that was great. I think that probably was one of the,

yeah, one of my best discoveries. Yeah. Discoveries. Back at the other day, I did that. Yeah. You know, I had boxers on and I, you know, I basically stood up and sometimes I'll take some toilet paper just to get the least, can't pull it.

I stood up and a whole bunch came out and then I was tied. So I didn't have any dribbles in the underwear. Wait a minute. What the fuck is he talking about? He says I stood up and a whole bunch came out. Yeah, what is he referring to exactly? That's why I'm like, I'm, well, it doesn't make sense to me. Wait, a whole bunch came out when you stood up

or when you sat down? Yeah, yeah, I stood up. I mean, when I stood up, absolutely. What do you mean? You stood up and shit fell out of you? Oh, no, this was pissing. I'm talking about pissing. Now we're talking about pissing out of nowhere.

How did it go there? We just throw in piss into the game. We have never even had a piss discussion. Pissing? When I'm sitting on the toilet, when I'm sitting down and pissing the piss. Yeah. Okay.

We were definitely... Let me tell you what happened the other day. Okay, this is his story. I'm giving you a warning that we know that we heard some crackling earlier. It's gonna happen at one part of this. So I'm sorry about it, but it was in the file. It's fucked up.

But this story is insane that he tells me. Oh, this is a disaster. Oh my God, I haven't told you this. I can't believe I forgot. I really had to go back. I mean, really go back. So I rushed in there and you take a dump. But I was in such a hurry that my thick was facing

was too high. First of all, my dad never says my dick to me, ever, ever. I've never heard him say dick. So right away I'm like, Jesus, you already hit on me. Now you're talking about your dick? He's like, my dick. Right, I did show him my clit, you're right. My dick.

My dick was, that's so weird. Yeah, I've never heard him say it. To hear him. Does he ever say my dick to you? No, never. We won't talk about his genitals, period. This is not a conversation we have, ever. So weird.

My dick was facing, was too high, all right. And I most shit had to piss. My hand was out of the top of the toilet, got in the middle of it. Uh-huh. Do you understand? Yeah, I get it. He's like, piss all over himself.

He pissed out of the toilet. This is what a two-year-old does. Exactly. And then ended up getting the bottom of my trousers wet. So the back of my trousers was wet, but some of them went on the floor because my trousers are on the floor. The trousers are on the floor.

Yeah. Get it? Get it? Yep. Get it? Get it? That's how a two-year-old would tell the story, too. And then I may pee out.

Get it? Yeah, yeah, I got it. My trousers are on the floor. Who says trousers? Is he from the 1800s? He also doesn't wear jeans. His relaxing clothes are khaki pants and button-down shirts. My dad hates jeans, too.

Yeah, it's because they hug his dick. Yeah. That's his reason. Yeah. They're tied on my dick. Yeah. It is weird to hear your own father say dick. It's not right.

It's never, never. It's weird to hear your own father talk about his bowel movements and his dick and his fecal matter. I like the poo, the poo talk, but not the dick. It's weird. Has he ever told you, specifically, stuff that, sexual stuff that he's done with your mom and stuff? Like, has he gone into any?

Maybe with Maria. I think Maria and him have a different kind of relationship. He's told you? Yeah. It's not exciting. Sad. Let's not ruin my anniversary. All right.

Is he like, and then, buddy, I get on top of your mom. Oh, buddy, I came so hard today. What's wrong? That's so wrong. Did you eat that trash? That's true, though. He did twice, at least with you guys. I mean.

No, he blows lows. I'm sure. Yeah. I'm sure. I don't want to be like, my dick is real hard today, buddy. I don't want to hear that. How does this end?

Hold on. I forgot how this ends. I don't believe it. So are you going to kind of pull them up off the floor in the future? No, no, no. I just got to make sure the gun is facing down and not in any aircraft position.

I got to make sure the gun is facing down and not in the anti-aircraft position. So crazy. What is he talking about? I like war references, buddy. He's still making. He makes war references. It's military, yeah.

With his painter even. Yep. So crazy. I got you. So you just pissed up in the air, basically. Pissed up in the air? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it is such a hurry.

You know, it responds the way instantaneously. I've had it where I've sat at a public toilet, dropped my pants down, and didn't realize that there was piss all over the base of the toilet. Oh, yeah, you got to be careful. Yeah, you got to be careful public toilets like that. Well, the first thing I do when I go in there if I have time is I check what's in, like, a wrap.

Well, you put a nail on the head for that one. Just don't sit on it. Squat, like the Chinese or the Indians. Squat. They don't even have seats. They just have holes. You just squat. And Morocco, too, just holes.

Yep. That's true. That's good advice. Well, because I've sat on seats, and there's pee all over them, like in the airport. The females, it's grosser, because they have, like, blood stains, and they're just disgusting. Yeah.

Squat, just don't sit on it. Where? Women. Some women are nasty. They don't fucking pull their tampons out. Right, and they just flick it across the seats. True story. Disgusting.

So you squat. Don't sit on it, shit. That is true. They do, though. You've seen it. They can't flush the drop on the floor. Do you want to see if you can understand what these guys are saying?

Yeah, let's do that. It's super funny. Man, you get involved. What do you think these guys are saying? Let's see. These are two gentlemen on the street. I love you guys, too. Yeah, she flew all the way from Florida.

Yeah, she flew here from Florida just to do this show. So yes. That's, like, seriously, fine. She has a mama. I did fine. She has a mama. They're purple. They're purple.

They're like, I did my, hey, I want to, hey, hey. Is that the Starbucks in Michigan you were talking about? Exactly. Oh my god. That's exactly what they sound like. And then I don't know if they're talking to me. I'm like, I'm sorry. Was that English?

He just said a double pump and spice latte. That's what he just said right there. You didn't hear it? You didn't hear that? This is the Starbucks order. This is you, right here. They're purple. They're purple.

They're like, I did my, hey, I want to, hey, Did you get hey? At hey. I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you. That's what it sounds like to me. See? Now he goes, hey, you want my, hey,

hey, Christina Pajitsky. Is that what he said? He said my last name. Hey, Pajitsky. They're copper. That's a copper. They're like, I did my, hey, I want to, hey, hey, hey. You're talking nice, you know what I mean?

Why got somebody to use me for? Now. You can understand that? Yeah. He said, why do I got to talk nice to your ugly ass for? Wow. He speaks fluent black.

He did. I gathered that. It crackled. Like it crackled. But he said, he said, why do I got to speak nice to your ugly ass for? Hey, hey, hey, you need to talk nice, you know what I mean? Why got somebody to use me for?

That's what he said. Why got to talk nice to your ugly ass for? You need to talk nice to me. Let's do everything we can. You don't look like a brother to me. Hell, now you're a brother. I'm the hell. I didn't even know you would tell a few days.

What? You can actually understand that. It's perfectly clear. I didn't understand that either. She said, let's just be easy. That was really good. I was going to pull. We actually, that guy who's talking,

he was trying to sponsor our show. We had a guy that sponsored our show a while ago, and he won't answer our calls anymore. But he used to, we would say, hey, welcome. You're going to go, welcome to your mom's house. And then he would talk about our sponsor, Stamps.com. And then he would give out our website, yourmomshousepodcast.com.

One line up and five of them, thank you, I'm a barge. You understand that? Is he missing teeth? He has. Maybe. It's not that he's missing teeth. He just doesn't want all his teeth, you know? That part I understood.

Do you hear that he's saying our website address? Absolutely not. Here, try to hear it. One line up and five of them, thank you, I'm a barge. I hear it clear as day. You hear it clear as day, right? Yeah. Can you hear him say, your mom's house?

Our mom's house. It's your mom's house. No, you got to get your hearing checked with ASAP. It sounds like the Swedish show. Can you tell what this guy's saying? Can you understand this? Fuck me, my ass, man. Suck me, my ass, nigger.

Oh, let's see, let's see, let's see. What did you just say? Suck me, my ass, nigger. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Whoa. Big words. Holy shit.

That is not. I don't understand, you don't know. Wait a minute. Here's the thing, here's the thing. Hold on. I heard the end. What did you think? Suck me in my ass.

Okay. Big words. Okay. No. That's what I understood. That's what you understood? Fuck me. It's close, though.

You're, you're, you know. It's close, yeah. Listen. Man. Yeah, man. Oops. You hear what you want to hear? Oops.

You heard something else. All right. Jeans. Listen, I've said big words before, too. They don't let you get away with it on this show, apparently. Yeah, for sure. Hey, wasn't there some documentary from Rosie Perez you wanted her to hear?

Oh, yeah. She steals baked goods, you know. She what? Steals baked goods. She steals baked goods? She steals baked goods? I saw her sticking them in her purse once. What?

When you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican. Where did she? You saw before. Jesus. Can we have some wine up here? You were getting an umbrew. Oh, my God, really? You're a fan.

Can you open it? Can you open it? Yay, Jeans. Oh, that's awesome. Look, were you just waiting for that to happen? You're like, I got it, man. I got, oh. I need a corkscrew.

Oh, okay. Oh, can you get somebody at the bar? You're Venezuelan? All right, it's way better. All right. So, kidding. We're all just kidding. Can somebody help this gentleman open this bottle of wine

and get us cups? What's that? Something against his panics? Thanks, mommy. What did you say? We need a help. What did you say? Uh-oh.

Yeah. No. That's awesome. Oh, thanks, mommy. I said are you Puerto Rican? And he said I'm Venezuelan. Yeah, sorry, man. I know.

Are you? Thanks, mommy. Thanks, moms. Are you Venezuelan? What are you? You're Mexican. Woo-hoo. All right.

It's a good soccer team. L.A.? Yeah. Okay. I love my soccer. Okay. Are we ready? Do you want to play?

Sure. Oh, thank you, James. No, James, I got glasses. I got nothing about the opener. Oh, okay. Oh, thank you, though. No openers? Maybe the bar will give us one.

Thanks, boo-boo. Thanks, man. Thank you, sir. Appreciate it. We're almost there. Thank you very much. So, thank you. But you can look at one.

We're almost there. I have faith that a corn screw will manifest somehow. Oh, see, I knew it. Thank you, jeans. You got it. Okay. Thanks, man. Thank you very much.

All right. Thank you, sirs. That was nice. That was a group mommy effort. Here we go. Will you open this while I do the next thing? Here we go. I'm ready.

Ready? I'm ready. Here we go. All right. It's time for Would You Rather. Muchísimas gracias por el vino. You did it. Thank you, sir.

Thank you so much. Cheers to you. Here, let's get some wine. Cheers. All right. That's really sweet of you to know. It's even Pinot Grigio, too. Holy shit.

We have a few. Are you going to read the first one? Yeah, I have my favorite one. This one was submitted by a listener. Cheers to Chicago, everybody. Cheers. Thank you. Thank you for coming.

Thank you. And thank you, sir. Cheers. Can you have me one? What a wonderful city. Thank you, guys, for being here, for coming. Yeah, you guys are amazing. Okay.

This one's great. Would you rather have a tattoo of a penis? Is this from you? This is you? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's so fucking cool! That's so fucking crazy!

Bro, bro! What are the odds of that fucking happening? Wow. This is serendipitous. We got to exchange information or something. That's a big word. This is weird. Weird.

What's your shout-out, bro? I just want to say hello to Rockaway, the hater. I'm great for money, too. Well, that's it. You got it. That's your shout-out? Oh. Who's that guy?

Is that a Twitter friend? Yeah, he's a mommy. He followed up with you guys, too. Okay. Alright, dude. Well, thank you. So what's your name? Venezuela says, what's up?

Henry. Okay. So this is from Henry. Holy shit. Who knew? Give it to us. Okay, okay, Henry. This is a really great one.

I love it. Okay. Would you rather have a tattoo of a penis on your forehead or a tattoo of your mom on your penis? Ooh, I like that. It's a good one. Oh, Henry! It's a good one.

That's so good. That's a good one. That's so fucking good. You're a sick individual. You're so crazy. You didn't come up with that? It's really good, though. Well, that's really great.

It's fantastic. It's a good one. To me, it's pretty simple. I'm tattooing our mom all over my dick and balls. Listen, you can have a story about it. If you're with a girl first date, she's like, what the fuck? And you're like, I love cookies, and that's Mrs. Fields. You could create a story, and you're only going to get...

Yeah, you could use the older version of the mother. That's what I'm saying. It's got to be like your 70-year-old old-ass mom. And then every time you take your meat out to jerk it, you're going to be like, hey, mom. Mom, I love you. I would have a tattoo. Mom, I love you.

I would have a tattoo where she's holding a gun pointing towards the top of my dick. So whenever I shoot, it's like pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, yeah. Like that. That is genius. Wow. And it never bites you really. I mean, if you're single and you're hooking up with girls, you could spin your story, and they'd be like, that's weird.

Only if you dated her for a while and then she meets your mom, are you going to get busted, when she goes like, hey. Yeah. I've been sucking on your face for like two years. That would happen. But the same has to go for women. It's a tattoo of your father on your genitals. Yeah, it's like this opposite is you got to get your dad on your gyne if you're a woman.

Yeah. Yeah. Would you take a tattoo of a dick on your forehead or dad around your vagina? It's pretty good. I'd probably give you dad at my vagina and never look at my vagina again. Well, that's true. Because as a lady, you don't really say you don't see your veg that much, you know. Yeah.

You'd have to make a concerted effort to like look at the. I'd do it. And then I'd probably grow a bush to cover it. Yeah. That's a big bush you got to grow out though. Your dad used to have a mustache, so it's perfect if you have him. That's so stupid. That is so stupid.

It's true. I think you guys are done. I think I would get the penis on my forehead. You're out of your mind. Yeah, bro. Because listen, here's the caveat. It doesn't say how big the tattoo has to be, right? I could do like a fucking micro penis right here.

You could do it actually shave a part of your head or do it like some underneath your skin. No, it has to be on your forehead, so I could grow bangs to cover the tiny penis on my head. And then wind blows and people are like, hey, what the fuck is that on your forehead? But then I could be all, I don't know, bro, is on a dare. Like that's how you fucking, just like how I got my tramps. I don't know, bro. It's on a dare. You're like a vato right away.

Gubs are fucking bald and shit, home shit. I don't know. Okay. Why not fuck her? Hey, bro. That's right. That's what's up. Okay.

Let's ask the room who would get a tattoo of your, one of your parents around your genitals in that situation. You guys are mentally ill. Okay. Who would get a tattoo of a dick on their forehead? Thank you. You submitted it. Why?

Why? What do you do for a living? Yeah. You're a teacher. I hope it's sex ed. You don't have any hair here, bro. You have to wear like a low hat. What do you teach?

Spanish. So Jesus Christ. A dick is on your forehead and you're like, bingo. You're out of your mind. And everybody else's who chose the dick on their forehead and you're like, bingo. You're out of your mind and everybody else's who chose the dick on their forehead. Now what, we have one, we have a couple. We have one just for Maria.

Okay. You want to, this one specifically, I'm sorry, specifically for you. Okay, Maria. Ready. Would you rather never exercise ever again or listen to only this song for the rest of your life? Next time? You can only hear this song ever.

Ever. If you want to listen to music, it can only be this song. What do you think? Definitely listen to Puerto Rican. Definitely Puerto Rican. Definitely Puerto Rican. Really? I can not give up exercise at all.

This is all you ever hear. I know that. I would probably start making up my own songs. You can't make up your own songs. Bullshit, I can't. No. Like, when your son has a birthday and it's happy birthday, it's... In the car, every time you put it on the radio.

It would be a very silent world for me. I probably wouldn't play a lot of music at all ever. But I'm not giving up exercise. Okay. Yeah, I just live in a very quiet, quiet world. Very quiet. Very quiet. Like anniversaries with your husband.

No, no music. Thank you. No, thank you. Funerals. Glory, this is the real glory. Flags everywhere. But then you have to come nine times. Oh, God.

Have you ever been to a funeral? When was the last time you went to a funeral? When was the last time you went to a funeral? When I worked at Admiral's Cove. No, what am I going to say? It's exciting. The only funeral I ever went to, one of my employees... You said that, like, when did you go to St. Bar?

She's out of her. She's like, ooh. It was the only time I went to a funeral. It was one time I saw a dead body. Like, he beat her to a pulp. Wait, what? Whoa, what? What?

Yeah, one of my employees. What are your employees? Her husband beat her. She was 20 years old. Her husband beat the shit out of her. Left her on the side of the road. Oh, my God. And so they, like, had to do, like, a big makeup job.

And she looked like a... So how many times did you come? I mean, was that pretty hot for you? I mean, it was so sad. Like, she was all puffy and distorted. That was the only time. It was open casket. You didn't have any orgasms?

No. God knows. Awful. Did you come, though, at all? You didn't come one time? What is wrong with you? When you're on your knees at your father's funeral at his casket, and you're saying goodbye to him, and then you have nine orgasms right there by your whole family that's standing

behind you, it just makes you never want to have another orgasm as long as you know. Is it made up? No, it's not made up. It's a real clue. It's real. It's real. He needs mental help. I don't know if he needs mental help.

Yeah. He needs more than that. He has an orgasm at a funeral. If it's, like, a really hot funeral, you end up coming a lot. No. All right. That's what I got on that. Okay.

Oh, there's one last one. This one I love. Okay. This was submitted over Twitter. It's a would you rather from Ryan Steyer. He said, would you rather change gender every time you sneeze? I like that. Or not be able to tell the difference between a muffin and a baby.

That's fucking brilliant. That's silly. I mean, but that means it's like, you're like, I'm a woman like that. That's one option. Or people are like, what the fuck are you doing cradling that blueberry muffin? You're like, I love it. But then you would eat everybody's baby. Yeah.

No, not if you don't like muffins. Not if you don't like muffins. He likes muffins. I like muffins. And that would be my excuse, too, if I would bite. People are like, why are you biting my fucking baby? I thought it was a chocolate chip muffin. Yeah.

I'm choosing the sneezing gender, because I think it would be neat to know what it's like to be a guy. And then I could sneeze and go back to being a woman. You want to do this, too. Yeah, right? Don't you want to know what it's like to have a penis and stuff? And then jerk your dick at a funeral and be super fun, right? Oh, I would switch into a man and then do a bunch of crimes and shit like Rob Banks

and then back to a woman. Wait, wait. You don't get to snap your fingers to change gender. You have to sneeze. You got to sneeze. But dude, inhale some pepper or some shit, dude. Come on. Yeah, look at the sun.

I would do so much crime as a guy. Would you do the change gender thing? Looking back, right? It's literally like, for me, it'd be like, woman, man, woman. And then I'd be like, fuck, I'm done. They'd be fine for like five minutes and I'd be over it. So I'd probably do the muffin baby thing. I'm going to flick my bean for a couple of hours.

I'm not going to lie. So much for, oh, they don't catch me, bro. Yeah. Muffin baby. There you go. Who would choose gender with your sneezes? Changing gender. Yeah.

Thank you. Open minded. Who would choose Chicago? The muffin and a baby. It's so much more fun. I agree. Oh, Chicago. I was going to tell you, oh, we got a note about the guy who's like,

I want to go, friend. I want to go. Don't you love him? Can we play him? I don't have him. Oh, turns out he's not Australian. We thought he was Australian. We got a letter, an email saying that he was Kiwi.

So he's from New Zealand. I want to go. I'm single. I love that kid. I'm looking for a go, friend. All right. That's all I got on that note. Do you want to do a dental updates?

Sure. Let's do it. Dental update. Go crazy. Maria, how are your teeth? Good. Clean. Do you floss every day?

I do. Why this teeth I ever get across? Hers. They're so fucking white. That's super jizzy of you to say. Blast. Blast like what you say. Blast like what you say.

Who is that? Who's that? It's like when you're with a dog and you're in the mirror with a dog and you're like, who's that dog? That's what you're doing. Okay. She knows it's her. That's what I'm trying to say.

Read that. Okay. Are you ready? You're going to die. So this guy had five cavities after drinking Coke Zero for six months. So do not fucking drink Coke Zero every day. Jesus. You'll get five cavities.

Hard fucking core. That's tough. So he went back to get his teeth fixed and everything was fine until the dentist had to polish the finished products. He somehow hit my tongue and sliced it open. Sliced it open with the polisher. Luckily I was numb, but let me tell you the tongue bleeds a lot. I had to sit there awkwardly while the assistant wrapped my tongue and gauze and held it for

me for 20 minutes. I'm a brutal dude. The dentist put a few stitches in and sent me on my way before I could comprehend the severity of what just happened. I'll spare you the story, but all the stitches came out within an hour of the appointment. Dude, bro. So I was left with a tongue that looked and felt like it had jumped on her grenade. I called my dentist and he said that they were supposed to come out and he only put

them in to stop the bleeding. Yeah, right. Maybe it's true, but I'm pretty sure the dentist doesn't give you his personal cell number to call you in case of emergency when he doesn't make a horrible mistake. That's a really good point. That's a really good point, yeah. So as you can imagine, I mean eating anything with a tiny amount of salt has a whole lot of fun.

Yeah, it was a whole lot of fun for two weeks. And talking felt awesome too. When I slept, the two flaps would start to stick to each other. So gross. It's really, yeah. But when I would talk the next day, the tongue movement would pull it open again. Yeah. That's the worst.

Let's do it. What's up, bro? Ready? Yeah. Here we go. What are we doing? We're doing it. Okay.

Tommy, what's the time for? It's time to fill her up and seal her chest. Mexican guy? There you go. There you go. There you go. That was close enough. All right.

Okay. We always have a theme. Yeah. So you know what I figured? Because we haven't really done this. We haven't given the Asians any kind of love. Oh. So why don't we do an Asian filler-up sealer shot?

I have not actually heard my voice in the conversation for nearly three years now. All right. It's a little racially insensitive. Let's do it. Asians. All right. Let's party with Asians on filler-up. Seal her shut.

All right, boys. Here we go. So for the dudes, there's not many super, super well-known Asian celebrities I had to choose from for the boys. Yeah. Well, we don't like to make fun of other comedians, so it's like a code. So number one, John Cho. I guess he does funny movies.

You know, he's in that Kumar and... Harold and Kumar. Harold and Kumar. He's super cute. He's super healthy. I don't know. I haven't seen that show. Yes, yes, yes.

That's who he is. He's so fucking hot. I would bang the shit out of him. Jesus Christ. I would fuck him so hard. Ugh. And I would just... You're kissing dogs.

Don't. I would let him fill me up and seal me shut with his ricy semen. I would love it. Okay. Oh, now you're going to judge? Okay. All right. Cute John Cho or powerful Kim Jong-un.

It seems like a pretty... It's a pretty good debate. It's alluring. I mean, one of them is very powerful. Yeah. Yes, you could die if you do something wrong. And he's all right. He just might feel like it.

Yeah. Or get fucked up. I feel like... Or get fucked up. Yeah. Like, the thing is, you can never not have your A-game, and even that might not be... Like, you can't be like, ah, tonight I'm just going to take it easy with Kim. Yeah.

You know, and like, maybe a little head and then kind of ride. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'll be like, did you get off? That's... No, every day it's like... Yeah. Ankle's behind your head. Yeah.

Always spitting on it. You come now. You come now. I feel like you would never want to give you pleasure first. Yeah. My boy just saw my b-hole. My boy just saw my b-hole. Yes.

My boy just saw... Oh. Yeah. Yeah. So, I'm going to go with John Cho, just because... Love him. The less threat of death. Meow.

Meow. Meow. What do you think? Who would you go with? Who would you go with? John Ho. John Cho? Yeah.

You said John Ho. Oh, Cho. Yeah. Okay. Papa John Cho. Papa John Cho. He's so cute. Or...

Super sweet... Benign, benevolent, kind. Funny Kim Jong-un. North Korea. You wave. I would like him. Okay. Well, that's pretty...

That's it for the deuce. Okay. It's pretty split down the middle. Now, let's talk about the ladies. So, the ladies. Who would you want, I guess, to fill up and seal shut, Maria? Who do you find more sexually appealing? Okay.

Okay. Lisa Ling, who I find remarkably wonderful. She's a Chinese angel, right? She was on... She's also a reporter. Lisa Ling? Oh, I'm sorry. That's a different Asian.

No. Wait, who would you say? Lisa Ling? No, no, no. Sorry. Lisa Ling. Lisa Ling is a reporter. She does that American show and she's on Channel 1.

Right. Documentary. Super talented. She's done a lot of crystal meth. Is there a husband of a surgeon? What? Is there a husband of a surgeon? What's the idea of her husband's a surgeon?

Lisa Ling or Lucy Liu, who was in Charlie's Angels? Lucy Liu. I like Lucy Liu. Lucy Liu. Lucy Liu. Wow. Boo. Lisa, I find to be insincere, pretentious, phony.

Wow. I don't like her reporting. I don't believe her. I don't... I just... I think she's going to be phony as shit and she's going to be like, oh, did that feel good? Like, yeah.

Kind of. And then Lucy Liu is going to be a fucking succulent Chinese. Oh. Yes. Very insensitive. I disagree. I think... I would gobble up and break Lucy into 15 different crumbles.

No. I disagree. I think Lisa Ling is a power bitch in real life. She's very powerful. So maybe in sexual times, she's submissive and wants someone to teach her a lesson. I think that she might want to be submissive in bed. Or she might get old tiger mom and shit on you. You know what I would do to be honest with you?

I would choose... Exactly. I would choose Lucy Liu and I would pretend to be Kim Jong-un with her. Wow. And I would role play and be like, this is a North Korean prison camp and the only way out is eating out my butthole. So start eating now. Which by the way, it's still our anniversary.

You should give it a shot. That's true. Yes. I eat the ass and pussy all the time. I got nothing. Now let's... Yeah, pull the room, right? Well, pull the room.

Yeah. Sorry. Go ahead. Lucy Liu. Clap for Lucy Liu. Lucy Liu. Yeah. Thank you.

All right. Lisa Ling. Clap for Lisa Ling. We got a few Lisa Ling. All right. All right. Lucy Liu. And now, in honor of our guest, we're going to do also a Puerto Rican filler up sealer

shot. Okay. All right. Yeah. Okay. So for the women, let's start with... You know, when you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican. Okay.

We have J.Lo. We all know J.Lo. Yes. Or Rosie Perez. Oh, my God. J.Lo. J.Lo hands down J.Lo. Oh, my God.

Why? Why? Why? Talk. You got to take us through your reasoning. I don't think I could handle the speech with Rosie Perez, first of all. Oh, my God. I don't.

Her accent annoys me. I like Jennifer Lopez. Her accent... It's more of a New York accent, though. Yeah. It is. It drives me crazy. It drives you crazy.

I don't... It's a really, like, strong... I don't like... I'm not a fan of the real strong Staten Island Queens extreme accents. I like J.Lo. Okay. Rosie Perez... She talks.

It looks like she's sucking her cheeks in all the time. It drives me crazy. And she's always speaking little pastries in her purse. And I actually witnessed that. She's a pastry thief. She's like, noted. She's like, noted. She's mom does the same thing.

She's hiding little pastries in her purse. That's... Put that in my accent. I'm going to go... Lovely. I'm going to go with Rosie Perez because J.Lo, let's face it, everybody's been sniffing her asshole for years. Oh, my God.

And... Oh, my God. And I think she's pretty. Yeah, but she's really fucking entitled because everyone's all up in her J.Lo Kool-Aid. And Rosie Perez will eat your asshole. I don't know if she will. She's going to work for it. She will work for it.

I think... Yeah. I think that... I think that Rosie is way more down to earth. I think that J.Lo's got to be super fucking... Overbearing. Yeah. And Rosie also has those pepperoni nips that we saw.

Yeah. Those big pepperonis. Yeah. You know, you're going to have a little pizza after you're done. You know, I think I would eat that pizza and enjoy... Diabetes. ...with my Rosie titties. Clapper J.Lo.

Who wants J.Lo? Who wants J.Lo? Yeah. She's got a great ass. She's pretty. Yeah. Rosie Perez. Clapper Rosie Perez.

Clear. Clear. Clear. Clear. Now, what about the... The boys? The boys. Where are the dudes at?

Where are the dudes at? The dudes at. We got Mark Anthony, who ate J.Lo's asshole for many years. Yeah. Or my personal favorite, I love him, Daddy Yankee. Oh! Yeah! Yeah!

So we just hanging. All right. Daddy Yankee. Daddy Yankee. Daddy Yankee. You would take... Daddy Yankee. Daddy Yankee.

Mark Anthony looks like a heronetic. It's awful. Say it again. Mark Anthony looks like a heronetic. He's so short and scrawny in real life. He's shorter than me. No, he really is. He's a tiny, scrawny little man.

Fill me with your gasoline. He's a great singer. So you're not saying... But I like a man. Like, I want a man that can, like, carry me, like, throw me into the wall, like, strong. That's not... That's not Mark Anthony. That's Daddy Yankee.

I'd be carrying him. That's Daddy Yankee. Here's Daddy Yankee right here. I love Daddy Yankee. Right. It's on his mouth. It's on his mouth. It's on his mouth.

All right. I would... Fill me with your gasoline. I would take Mark Anthony, because I think I could fucking give...teach him a lesson. You would devastate that guy. Okay. I think Anthony would be like, just tell me how much you want. I'll write a check.

Stop. Stop. Stop. You would devastate his b-hole. Yeah. I could really overpower that guy. He's so fake. I'd be like, look, I'm gonna knock you out and take your butt cheeks.

Your butt's gonna get t-talked. Oh, shit. Any... All right. What's up, Jeans? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Nothing's up. Yeah, we gotta wrap this shit up. Yeah. That's what's up. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! We're gonna hang out though. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what? I should have done this when we were...and we were enjoying our... Oh, beef bone. Did you say Asian one? Our Asian one. I miss it. I miss it. I miss it.

Baby, baby, can I want to ring it tonight? Dance, dance, I'm the one for dancing tonight. See, we can dance. The telephone is gonna do, it's gonna do, it's gonna do. Oh! Baby, baby, baby, I'm gonna love a cat. I don't wanna watch the water. Tell me what you're thinking right now.

I have absolutely no idea what you guys are doing. I thought you loved it. I love it. I absolutely love it. Love it, love it, love it. I'm a guy. I do. All right.

All right. Is there anything else you guys wanna hear? Any drops? Big words! We did big words. Fucking cam. Fucking cam. Fucking cam.

Fucking cam. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Go out on the PIM Squad Quartet. Was that? POP. Oh, right, right. Holding it down.

Holding it down, Quartet. That shit is amazing. That shit is amazing. POP. POP. POP. POP. POP.

POP. POP. POP. POP. POP. People enjoy this. Of course, this is it. She doesn't like it.

POP. POP. She said, is this a church? Yeah. POP. I love you. Yeah. All right.

Chips in a bowl. Yeah. Look, Maria, if you want to talk some shit, we'll talk some shit. They want to hear Theo. Do we have a Theo? Do we have the Hunter's Walk song? The what? The Hunter's Walk song?

I think so. Yeah, I think so. Theo didn't come with us on this trip. He stayed home. It was a long trip for a small guy, but he had to collect some stuff, and he said something about stabbing some people, and he's collecting, so. Collecting my shit. Collecting my money right now.

You do a really good impression of him. You do a good impression of him. I know. I know. Almost like him. It's weird, right? You know what I'm saying. I got my money.

All right, guys, so we're going to hang out. There's a room, I guess, the room that you came in, that ticket area. We're going to be there. We're going to go backstage, take a piss, straighten up, and then we'll meet you guys out there. Oh, we should tell you, we brought, there's two things that people asked us to bring, so we brought them. We're going to bring Theo shirts, because people asked for Theo shirts. And then we brought a new shirt that's not on the store just for this.

And it says... Cocktail Balden shirt. It's a Cocktail Balden shirt. Look at her face. I have no idea what that means. This is my joy. So I'm just trying to find, what's the song? Will you tell me what cops are bald means?

Would I tell you what cops are bald? Well, just cops don't have hair. Cops are all bald and shit. You don't know. It's just like, it's just how it is, bro. Like cops are just bald and shit, you know? You know, like cops are all bald. They're just all bald.

You get it? Nope. You understand or no? Nope. All right. All right. Well, thank you guys so much for coming. Yeah, you guys are the best.

Thank you so much for coming. We love you guys so much. This was awesome. We'll come back again. And come hang out with us, okay? We're going to hang out for a minute. Yeah. Thanks, guys.

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