Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Live ValenTIMES from Pasadena-281-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 18, 2015

Sweet, loving, kissy-faced jeans. That's what those Valentimes are all about. We brought our love to the Ice House for a live episode with a fiery, sexy crowd. This was honestly one of the best times we've ever had live. It's like all our collective jeans are getting tighter.  We give you the goods here, Chocolate anuses, brows on fleek, all kinds of words that the kids are saying now. Plus we have a sing-along and an orignal song debuts! We got dad jokes and sex sounds and a whole lot more.  We love you, Jeans. We really do. 

Hey, there's one real important detail I got to tell you about in this episode, which we recorded live and you'll get to in a moment. There was a slight audio issue a couple times. You'll hear the audio drop down really low and I wanted to give you the warning about it so that you don't turn your volume all the way up thinking that, oh, it's you. It was the equipment there. So the volume dropped down really low, then it popped back naturally. There was no way really to salvage it.

We had the option to cut it out, but I figured I would just let you know about it now. And then when it drops down really low, just know that it comes back relatively quickly. And if you turn your volume up really loud, you might be able to hear it, but you also might blow your ears out, your hearing, your eardrums, and all the other equipment in your ears. You might damage it when the volume goes back to normal. So it happens a couple of times. I wanted to give you a warning about it.

And that's that. Okay. Yep. Jeans. Thank you to all the little jeans and mommy jeans that came out to the Ice House this past weekend for the Valentine's Day show. It was really something, man. It was it was really cool.

It sold out like three weeks in advance. We did it in there. It was such a success. We did in their small room and then they asked us that night to do the next one in their big room. Okay. Tom Segoura. Looks like your mom's house is big time.

This shit is big time. This shit is big time. So thank you to everybody that came out. We're going to have fun in this episode. You'll hear real quick. We got to do some business first jeans. Let's get into this show. Tell the folks what you're about to hear.

You're about to hear probably one of the most fun times we've had here in Pasadena. It was a lively evening. It was like a dialogue with the audience and we just had a we had a really fun natural time. It was easy. It was like it was like just talking to a room full of mommies. That room is very comfortable. That's the thing.

It's very comfortable. So anyways, we had a blast. Thank you to everybody that came to Pasadena. Hope you enjoy the Valentine's Day show. Here it is uninterrupted in its entirety. Get ready. Jeans for life. Meow.

Hello, mommies. I said hello, mommies. Are your jeans pulled up over your ears? All right. Good. Then let's party. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom's Cigarette and the main mommy, Tina Jeans. Hi, mommies.

Hi. Happy Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day. All right. Fierce energy. Did you guys all have your Valentine's Day expensive dinners and stuff? Did you get a room at the Weston and stick your thumb in your wife's butthole? No?

Yeah. Maybe you should try a little. You start with the tip of your tongue on the top right side of the head of his penis. You're going to cross over the shaft to the left side of the testicles. Over to the right. Cross back over the shaft to the left side. And then you're going to suck. You get it?

Then you're going to take the tip of your tongue and start on the left side of the head of his penis. Cross over the shaft to the right testicle. Over to the left. Yeah. And back over the shaft. You always struggle with that. It's like algebra.

It's like horror algebra that I don't understand. It is like horror algebra. No. Ladies and gentlemen, Mitch is working sound. Will you give him a hand? That's the sound. We've got a lot riding on this, Mitch. Don't fuck this up.

All right. Thanks, buddy. The third technique is called mouth watering good. I do this technique in each blow job because it's very important. Yeah. I like that she does it because it's very important. It is very important. Yeah.

Science. Why would you do it? Because it's very important. It gives penis and pushes far back in your throat that you can to gag. When you gag your mouth waters and your eyes tear, this allows you to know that you're doing it correctly. That's not good. So there's two parts to it.

The technique itself and the sound effects. I'm going to show you how to do the both and then explain how to do the sound effects. If you're not doing that, then just don't do it. It's so lame. What are you talking about? To not... That's all your gag. That's all every guy ever wants to see in here.

No, that's not. They don't want you to go... Nobody wants that. They want it to be a fucking... They want you to tiptoe along death's front door as you're doing it. That's not true. Yes, it is. You want me just to go into that?

You want to go from zero to varsity level gagging and crying? Immediately. Yeah. I want it to be zero to 60 in 1.1 seconds. Yes. I want you to be like, hey, and then... Immediately. That's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.

Happy Valentine's Day. I'm so glad you guys are here. Fuck Valentine's Day. Fuck this stupid holiday. It's commercial nonsense. Why not spend it with people you love? I love you guys. I love this guy obviously too.

But good, I'm so glad you're here. It's so much more fun than any prescribed fun you could have. I'm fucking... You know what we did for Valentine's Day? We had Fat Burger. Yeah. Oh, you did? You knew it? I mean...

We did. When I first moved to L.A., everybody was on that... What's the in and out dick? And they were always talking about... They're like, you'll never have a burger buttered in... Nobody said it like a homeless person. You're like in and out. Fuck me in my in and out, man.

And then you go to Fat Burger and you're like, what the fuck is everybody talking about? Yeah, it's pretty good. It's way better than in and out is... I don't know about better, bro. In and out is for fucking children. That's so not true. And I'm talking about with the big boysy.

That's all I'm saying. I like in and out. The patties are thinner though, so you can get the double-double and not feel like a tall asshole. Why don't you get a fucking toy while you're with it? I know. I wish they would. Could you do...

Because today at Fat Burger, they had the pictures of people that... The triple X challenge? Yeah. Could you do it? No. No. Come on.

I mean, I could if you're like, your life's on the line, but that doesn't seem like a fun afternoon meal to have a pound and a half. It's so much meat. I had two sizes below that and I was like, I really feel like I overdid it. People get the four by four in and out.

That's fucking cray-cray. Has anyone done that? The four by four? Eight by eight? No. Bro. Eight by eight? For real though?

You've eaten that? What do you look like? Yeah, you're not like 500 pounds. No. I can't see you because of the lighting. You're gonna sleep, right? Of course. Of course.

Did you wake up in a hospital? What do you normally eat in a day? Are you like one of those casual 10, 12,000 calorie guys? Every day? You're the only person I know who says, what do you eat every day, like Taco Bell? It's so gross.

Normal stuff like that? Yeah, you can. Yeah, how do you brown? This is your last Valentine's Day. Enjoy it. Yeah. You better really blah, blah, blah on him. He'll never have another one after this.

But do you make browns? They gotta be hard. I feel you, brother. I know how it is. I don't even eat like you when I do that. You know what I started doing though? I know what you started doing. I can hear it all the time.

I live with you. No, why the last couple of days they've been real nice and normal browns? Because I've been starting the day with a smoothie. No, it's easy. It's easy on you. Yeah, it is. The blueberry one you've been making,

that's super loud, and the dog freaks out, and everybody gets upset. The blender's loud. Yeah, everybody gets scared of the blender, but the browns are nice. That's important. You know what you've been doing lately really gets me is,

if I don't, you go take a shit. First of all, our house is laid out so that there's a kitchen, and then there's a bathroom at the end of the kitchen, just because the guy who built our house did it that way. Perfect, yeah. Because our house was built by a tweaker, basically. He was like,

when you eat in the kitchen, then you probably gotta take a shit, so all the fucking, that's why he built it like that. He's out of his fucking mind. He's really, he's always the fucking party. That's when I lived here. Yeah, he totally did.

Anyway, the point of the story is, Tommy, he announces he's gonna shit now. He goes, I have to take a dump. And then I go, okay, later, and then he comes back. And if I don't ask you how it was, you stand there like a toddler, and you pout,

and you demand that I ask you, how was your brown? Yeah, I'm like, why aren't you paying attention to me? I just made something special, and you don't wanna see my painting? And then you put down whatever you're doing, like your coloring books, and you're like,

I acknowledge that I heard something, yes. I do, I have to put down like crocheting and stuff. By the way, who are the animals that shit at fucking comedy clubs? I know. Because, like, what the fuck is going on? Maybe it's Taco Bell, maybe you did it. But, like, I went to the bathroom here twice,

and there's two guys grinding. I'm like, who's like, we're gonna go out, but first when we get there, we'll shit. Like, what a savage shit at your house. Never shit at a club. You know what, though? I had a friend in high school, every time we'd go to the dance club,

the minute we got to the club, she had to shit. Oh, my God. It was because she was nervous, I think, about being in public. And we were doing blow, too. And, yeah. Maybe she had a little bit of that OCD

stuff that you love so much. What's on your face? Vaginal secretions, vaginal blood, endometriosis, fibroid juice. So now you've got all the residues on your face. You love that. I've never seen her so happy. Like, you always enjoyed mentally ill people,

but OCD, you were like, fucking, I hit the lottery. I'm listening to you. But I love it. What's the magic of the show? Is that he had specific shit to rattle. Like, when you have this, the things are so tailored to your particular neuroses.

Like, he had that list. Like, fibroid juices, endometriosis, vaginal fluid. Like, he just knew. Like, have you ever had an OCD about something? Like, for instance, I had a thing where this is so embarrassing, but I used to eat at this place called Yuccas and Los Feliz, and I used to get the Machaca burrito,

and I loved them, so I didn't want to stop eating them, but I would have a thing where I wouldn't drive too far from my house right after eating it, because I'm like, I'm going to get diarrhea, and then I wouldn't get on the freeway, because I was like, I'm going to get diarrhea, and then I'll be on the freeway, and I'll have nowhere to shit.

She would schedule your visits there? Yes. Like, I would eat the Machaca at home, and then I'd like shit like that. Like, I just, I understand. I like the one that we watched, the one after with a guy, there's a guy, and he works out, yeah, it's hilarious.

He works out eight times a day, and he has like 11 gym memberships, which they don't cover in the show, which is like the most interesting part. It's like a thousand dollars a month. Where is that fucking fight with his wife? He gets up, and he works out like at the house, and then he stops at a gym.

And the other thing is his workouts, like he'll just do like three sets of something, and then he runs out of the gym, and he gets in his car, and he drives around, and he's like, oh, there's another gym, and he runs in, and he does like two more sets. Wait, and the best part is that he doesn't wear proper gym attire.

It's crazy. He wears like his khakis, and like button down, and he just runs in. You ever see those? Like, nothing makes me like more angry than when I'm at a gym, and I see a guy in like a button down in jeans, and I'm like, did you just get here

from Romania or something? Why are you dressed like a fucking communist to work out? That's so foreign. It's super foreign, and they're sweating in it, and you're like, dude, fucking, get a shirt. What is wrong with you? So this fucking guy does that, and then he has weights at his office,

and he's like fucking benching at work, and then he leaves like during lunch, and he always turns left every time he makes a turn. He turns left, and then he works out more, but they never cover the fact that he walked into eight different gyms, and then he goes like, I worked out. That would ruin your marriage.

Yeah. Just eight gym memberships alone would ruin your marriage. Yeah. He's like, I worked out 53 times this week, and then he goes, the last time I didn't work out, like one day, was June 12, 2001, and then you're like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And it's all for his fear of dying.

Yeah, which I get, which I get, because who's not afraid of death, and he thinks he's gonna cheat it, and then he's got his vitamins that he counts and sprawls out, and he records how many push-ups he did in one day. He's just got like a roster of numbers and nonsense. The craziest part of that episode is that he has a wife.

Yeah. You know, and they interview her, and she's like, yeah, fucking sucks. Like, everything about him sucks. The poor couple where she showers for like two hours, and it's just so sad. So she's scared of being dirty, so she washes her hands like one of those things.

She would hate our show. Like 60 times a day, but if she's scared of shitting because it's so dirty, so when she shits, she gives herself an enema, and then she gets in the shower, and she uses a toothbrush to scrub inside of her ass. Yeah. And she's needed, she's had to get blood transfusions,

because she'll clean it too ferociously. And her husband's also like, yeah, did he sign up for this at all? The husband hates her. He's like... And then he's like, are you and I riding? No, I've got to go.

That's what he calls home. Like, it's horrible. Is that how you feel about me? Absolutely, 100%. Every time. You've had those, well, you never lived with somebody before me, but towards the end of a relationship,

when you live with somebody, that's exactly how it feels, where you're just like, this motherfucker's home. You know, and you pull in, and you see their car, and your fucking heart just drops like... Jesus Christ.

How long does that last? That's until you guys part. This is like the end of it. Are you in that world of horrid hatred? It depends on how long, before you get your balls together, and you leave the guy, but for me, it was about four months.

Four months of that? That's how long it takes before it dwindles. That's the dwindling. You know some shit's wrong when you pull in and you feel dread. That's number one, where you're just like, oh, the anxiety.

And then, yeah, and then if you're angry that they're there, it's time to go. Well, happy Valentine's Day, everybody. All right, should we do an official opening? Oh, we have an opening? Yeah, we have an opening. All right, here we go,

ladies and gentlemen, Valentine's Day. The first time I ever tried to do a cast of an anus, I tried to do my own, and I had to wait until my mrs. had gone out and my son had gone to school. And I went in the kitchen

and I mixed up the alginate and I poured it into my bum. Well, you know, I took the trousers off and put my knees either side of me. I poured this stuff into the bum and it all ran past me, and that's into my face. This is big time!

Who is Ram? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't move in the fucking stand! Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura. Fantastic. Welcome to your mom's house.

Wow! Wow! Woo! Wow! Look at this! Wow! Woo! Yeah!

Wow! That was... We are gonna pass a hat around for you to throw a little extra money in, because that shit's not free, right? How did you come up with that? That was really good work. Just an artist.

You gotta respect artistry. And Beck should give me his fucking award. You know what I'm saying? You've been practicing. I've been practicing. Beck. That was a neat clip. Thanks for that.

Well, I couldn't really understand what that guy was saying. He was a talking American, you know. You talked all funny and stupid and shit? Yeah. I think that was a guy named Magnus in the UK. I'll see if we can... Did you understand what he was saying or no?

Out there was Algernet. There was a Butthole. We heard some balls. Let's take you through it play by play. The first time I ever tried to do a cast of an anus. The first time I ever tried to do a cast, meaning a molding. A plaster cast.

Yes, of an anus. A-N-U-S. I had to do my own. I did my own. That's good. And I had to wait until my Mrs had gone out and my son had gone to school. I had to wait until my Mrs had gone out

and my son had gone to school. So they're not there while I'm making fucking castings of my anus. And I went in the kitchen and I mixed up the Algernet and I poured it into my bum. Well, you know, I took the trousers off and put them... So he made the mixture and then he said I poured it in my bum

and he goes, well, you know, I took my trousers off first. So he wanted to make sure you knew he didn't pour it over his pants. It's a very important distinction. Thank you. Oh, really? You had sex and you took your fucking underwear off? Of course you did. And it ran past me nuts into his face.

Because the way you do it is you lay on your back and you kick your legs up and you kind of pull them back. You understand? So you're looking at your dick and your balls like this, right? And then he poured it into his asshole and it ran over his nuts and into his face. I would give anything to see you do that?

Remember, I bought the plaster stuff? Yes. I bought the plaster stuff to make dick casts and what I was going to do was... This is like 10 years ago. Yeah. As they were drying, I was going to put a little bottle opener on the end of it and give them to my friends as like Christmas presents.

Christmas, yeah. So that they have to hold my dick to open a drink. But then I got weirded out about the size. Well... Yeah, I made one and I was like... We tried it, but the problem with the plaster cast is that the liquids, it's very cold. So, you know...

You put that on your penis and then... It's hard to stay erect if you... It stayed erect, it just wasn't impressive. I was like in my mind, I was like, that would be awesome. And then I held it and I was like, this is cute. Like it's kind of... Is it a keychain? Yeah.

I figured my friends would be like, oh, is this your little brother's or something? What is that? No, that's weird. So, but this guy's inspiration. This guy... Yeah, here's more of this guy. This guy...

He's Australian, I'm assuming, right? No, he's British. No. Yes. You think so. Magnus. Yes. His son's mom's Australian.

He is 100% British. Okay. All right, here we go. I came up with the idea, I don't know where from, that a sculpture of an anus should be made in chocolate. So he was saying that a sculpture of an anus should be made into chocolate. I definitely see the through line there.

I see it, you know? Makes sense. It just seemed to make some sort of poetic sense. We first started selling edible anuses 10 to 15 years ago, 15 years ago. We'll cover you up so that just your anus is shown. Right? So he's making one there with a nice lady.

So his inspiration... What they actually are is a very small sculpture based on the cast of a real anus. Having made chocolate anuses now for a fair while... So you can buy a box of his chocolate anuses and they're just chocolates, but they're shaped like an anus. But like your anus.

You can have your anus or your spouse or your friend or your mom and dad's. Hey mom and dad, I had this made of your asshole. Or your dog. And now we're going to eat it. I don't know if you could do it with a dog. I feel like the dog would probably not stand still. Fifo hates it when they put the thermometer in his butt.

He gets really mad. He growls and he shoots his gun. I ain't paying for shit. Stabs. He gets your shit out of my ass. He hates it. He gets so mad. We've moved into the more permanent anuses.

So now he said they've moved into more permanent anuses. That yeah, a chocolate anus is great, but then it's gone, you know? It's true. You eat it and the joy is gone. Yeah, you're like, where's my anus? It's made of casting metal or glass. And these are available to anybody

who wants their own anus cast or a copy of someone else's anus. In terms of the casting process of the anus, I think in general, individuals are a little bit worried. Huh. In general, when people make their chocolate anuses, they're a little worried. Yeah, I could see that.

What would they be worried about? What are you doing to my asshole right now? Yeah, I think that's probably a thought. My experience is that people who have had a casting don't find it very difficult. And fairly quickly, their concerns disappear and it can be quite an enjoyable occasion. Yeah.

I've been plaster cast before. It sucks. You did? In college. In your box? No, no, not my asshole. No, I did my body for an art piece. Yeah.

I said... That old pitch. I like that. It was like a girl, it was a female roommate. Yeah, like, I'm doing this project and you have a nice figure. I mean, it's totally not like that. Well, it's weird because... I did that once for photography.

But the plaster cast was in my mouth around his penis. Is that weird? Oh, yeah. That is weird. That's very weird. That's... Yeah, that's what happened. Yeah, that's really neat.

So, but it's cold in it. Yeah. Do you want... Would you eat my asshole, my chocolate asshole? Yeah, of course. I ate it without chocolate. So, yeah. I did that thing.

I did it in high school where I was like, can I take pictures of you for a photography thing I'm working on? She was topless. Are you being... Really? Yeah, for real. Now, I still have the pictures, which is weird. Okay.

Because technically, she's a minor, you know? Yeah, that's cool, Tom. Yeah. But not at the time. I mean, we were both 17. Okay. And, you know, I still... I look at them every night.

And then... You know, what's weird is that I couldn't hide my boner. I remember that. I remember her being like, hmm, and then her looking like, hmm. I was like, it's just all for the art. Don't worry about anything. You'd be the worst at that.

You're the least, like, arty-farty dude. What? You'd be like, so... If you could, like, just spread your legs. What's this for? It's art. Is that how I talk? Art.

Yeah. I mean, burp in her face. You know, if you're going to talk that kind of shit, I got one thing to say. Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia. All right.

I know where it's from now. We got so many messages about that. So many people. Apparently, there's other cool people that don't know about Bye, Felicia. Cool people like Ryan Seacrest. I just found out who Felicia is. Felicia.

Felicia from Riverside? Like, Bye, Felicia. Oh, Bye, Felicia. Who's that? I don't know if I can say it. Wait, should I know? Just like... Girls, let me ask Mike.

Oh, you don't know, Felicia. You don't know Bye, Felicia? Do I know? Bye, Felicia. Yeah. Wait, we've been... Yeah. Bye, Felicia.

It's bad. Bye. What is it? I don't know what it means. It's just like, Bye, you random thought. Oh, so would a guy say that, though? Is it thought or thought? Thought.

Thought. Yeah. You don't know what a thought is? Advanced slang. You know what it is? Yeah, over there. How do you guys know all this cool stuff? No, Bye, Felicia is Friday.

Bye, Felicia's Friday. Yeah. Look, we're not being clear. There's people looking at us like, the fuck is going on? So we were talking about cool words, hip, cool words, right? That people are throwing around.

And, well, we had Bay. And by the way, yeah, I fucking was right when I brought it up the first time. Yeah. And people were like, that it's technically for before anyone else, but it's used to mean baby, sweetie, whatever you want to call her. Right.

So that's exactly what I said. So fuck everybody that messaged me. And then Felicia, we didn't know. And people let us know. You know, what's funny is that Ryan Seacrest didn't know, and I never thought I would be as lame as Ryan Seacrest. I know. I always thought I was cooler than Seacrest.

Nope. I'm fucking old now. I guess this is what it is to be 38. You just don't know shit anymore. Yeah, this is like. It's fine with me, though. I feel like I've got enough of my life. Well, that's, that is.

What? That's pretty smashing. Is that your new slang? Are you kids? Are we hip or not? We're total fucking nerds now. Look how stupid I was. Okay.

So I found this list in Huffington Post of 2015 approved slang. Okay. So based on, you know, number one. Okay. Thirsty referencing someone's desperation or over eagerness. Ugh. Michael Clifford has been following me around all night. He is so thirsty.

Stupid, huh? Girl, get your life. Yeah. Oh, and FYI 2015 approved on fleek. Like your brows? Hello. My brow game is on fleek. Thank you.

You sound like such my fucking dad the way you just said that. Hey, buddy, my browser on fleek. That's so true. Mom boner. Mom boner. Seriously. Seriously. You can't say this shit over 30 and sound cool.

You're not supposed to say this crap. You know what's more that leaves more of an impact for me? As opposed to the words that are in is the words that are out in this article. When they're like, yeah, they're like, you're a fucking lame piece of shit. Yeah. Like dope. They're like, that is over. You can't say dope.

Come on. Come on, man. All the hip cats aren't saying dope anymore. That's so wack. I mean, if you're talking about dope, I guess. Right. Like you slang dope. I had a young person call me.

A young person nerd alert. Yeah. Super nerd. Super dad boner. I don't give a shit. Teenager. I was, I was talking to a young teen about photos and I said, uh, no, I, I. On the Instagram.

I said something. I was like, that's just wack. And they're like, okay. Like they totally said to me like, oh, you're a fucking cool guy. Like, they're like, how old is wack? I was like, fuck. I didn't know you couldn't say she was wack anymore. I feel like, I feel like wack is evergreen.

I feel like dope. I thought was evergreen. I thought was evergreen. Dope. Rad. To me, rad's always going to be dudes. That is. Listen.

Rad's LA. Hold the fuck on. Rad. Hello. Is not only dated. It's super specific to the valet where you're fucking from. Yeah. Yeah.

818 holding it down. We got to be 818 to be like, it's fucking gnarly and rad. That's really fucking. That's west coast all the way. I say, bro, rad dude. Fucking. Fucking. What?

That's why I put the bathroom in the kitchen, you know? Yeah. He totally talks like that. Yeah. Fucking. It says that I literally can't is out. I hated that to begin with. Seriously.

Seriously. Seriously. Seriously. Okay. Do that again. Seriously. Seriously. Seriously.

Seriously. Seriously. I feel like seriously is out too. They all. I hate the literally. Literally is the worst. I cannot stand. Literally.

Then we were literally right there. Cool. Right. That's how my dumb sister talks. Literally. Literally. And then she does literally like shit that's not literally. Yeah.

Which is like the worst way to use literally, you know? And there were literally like 5,000 people waiting. It's like, no, there weren't. That's not how you use literally. There was eight people. I know that was literally like 5,000. That's not how you use that. Whatever, you know, literally what I mean.

Okay. The worst one. Seriously. I hate that I have to even add. I hate whenever you know you meet a dad boner or if I guys like winning. I hate winning. That's the worst. Fuck you and your mother.

And I didn't like winning. When winning was cool. I didn't like it. When Charlie Sheen was doing it and everyone picked up on it. I didn't like it. You know why? Because like it probably the afternoon that it became viral. You're like, all right, you can say it that because it was new.

But then when every fucking dork you've ever met was like winning. Yeah. That's when it's over. You can't say it anymore. Plus it was funny because he was so whacked out. Yeah. At the time that it was only funny when he said it. Cause you're like, bro, you're clearly not.

Yeah. Like you're, you're fucked right now. Yeah. Your teeth are not all there right now. He was like, he was like that's crazy. He was worth like a hundred million dollars and he had rotting teeth back then. Winning. He was a warlock, remember?

He was like, I'm a warlock. Here's more. More outdated ones as if. Yeah. That one sucked too. Yeah. That's so clueless. Yeah.

Beotch. With that spelling too. Bad. Bling bling. My friend just said that. Text message me. Shawna. She goes, I like your bling.

Well, I like your bling. But if you're like bling bling, that's a little like. That's lame. I mean, I don't know. I feel like my mom might say that, you know. Bling bling to me. Bling bling. You like, you like my bling bling.

Blings play to pluralize it if you're a foreigner. Yeah. When something is the bomb. Oh. That bombs, I feel like the bomb is a little evergreening, right? It's just the bomb. Yeah. It's a little lame, but passable.

Boo ya. Boo ya. Dude, it was fucking, you know, no one ever says that. But like when people die, you know, you put them on a pedestal more. You do. And that fucking act was tired when Stuart Scott was alive. Like all his fucking old slaying. It was.

Then he dot and everybody was like, it was amazing. No, it wasn't. It's like Chris Berman. And it sounds like such a fucking asshole. But if he dies tomorrow, people will be like the way he would go. Humble. I mean, I'm not happy Stuart Scott's dead, but I fucking every time he said boo ya, I wanted to end my own life.

Who's Stuart Scott? He's the sports center anchor. Oh, he's the dead one. I liked him. The dead one. Yeah. I liked him. I didn't mind him.

I actually enjoyed. He had googly eyes, right? No, he had big eyes. No. Wasn't that him? So, yes. But he didn't just have big eyes. There's a little device.

I don't know. I'm serious. I don't know. On football and like when you get to college and pros, they have what's called a jug machine, which is not as cool as it sounds. And you put footballs in it and just like a tennis ball, like a machine that shoots up. Oh, I know. They shoot out like fucking 70 miles an hour.

And therefore receivers just catch over and over. He did a piece one time where he went and like was, you know, doing like one of those profiles on the jets. And he was like, can I catch some balls in there? Like, yeah, man. And that shit hit him in the fucking eye. And his retina almost detached. And that's why he has googly eyes. A booyah.

Look, he was a great guy. I'm not trying to. It sounds horrible. You try to be. Asshole, yeah. No, you try to be honest about what you feel. I mean, I did. I'm just being honest.

Like I totally respect him and the work. And you know, he was a really, he was a good man. Yeah. I'm just saying that I was exhausted of booyah. So that was this catch. I didn't know that. That was one of them. It was he had another one that like, if he's calling a highlight, he'd be like, that guy's as cool as the other side of the pillow.

Shit like that. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. That's funny the first 10 times, right? And then. Well, or 20, 20 years. Yeah. Oh.

When he died. What? Oh, Jesus. And then. But they do that too with like comedians, like when comedians die. Okay. I'll tell you one. I don't give a shit.

All right. All right. Damn. Okay. You preach this one. I'll tell you this. This is, I'll tell you the hip, the hip hop. I won't call out the people, but the hypocrisy of this is like, I remember like two weeks before Robin Williams died.

And I was in a green room with like a bunch of comics and like some pretty big name ones. And they were all talking shit randomly about Robin Williams. Yeah. Everyone talks shit about him before he died all the time. Then he died. And they were like, he was an inspiration to us all. And I was like, like, I didn't, I didn't go out and talk about what an inspiration he was, but I also like was, you know, I was not the one sitting there being like, fuck.

Like these people were talking incredible amounts of shit about him. Well, I think we all did as comics. It's kind of an unspoken thing that we all talked shit on Robin Williams before he died. Yeah. Because he was known. Let's, you know, let's just keep it 100 on your mom's house. Hold on. Hold on.

Yeah, you're good. You're good. You're good. If we're going to keep some, thank you, sir. If we keeps it fleek, the point is, what the fuck is that he, so he was known. He was a notorious joke thief and there were rumors that he would go to the comedy store. Sorry if you're a fan of Robin Williams. This is just the gossip.

He would go and watch the open micers memorize the routines because he had a photogenic memory, as you say. Yes. And then he would repeat the bit in the main room and he would steal it. Essentially is that's, that was the rumor, but he's dead. Who gives a shit, right? Let him sue me now. But it's fair to say that's, you know, I mean, like when someone dies, people are just like,

he's a saint now. Yeah, he's dead. I had never respected anybody more. Yeah. They're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. Like, whatever. They're dead.

Well, not one Cosby dies. We're all going to still be like, that guy's a piece of shit now. When it goes to hell, we'll be like, all right. Man, people still defend him. So crazy. So crazy. Is the jury out on that? Like, well, like 50 people come forward.

It's pretty fucking. Let me hear 50 more. Before I make up my mind. If you still are wondering about Cosby, I would say, maybe give this a listen. I told my young nigga that I know. If your girl got a job, bitch, you ain't got a job. You pulled the Eater fuck out every time she get paid. She get paid Friday, bitch.

I with me a bitch. I only let me a big out of bed. Eater, lock on her fuck out like a pig, bitch. Yeah. That's insanity. We got so many messages about what Plyes was saying here. Do you want to go ahead and read? Yeah, let me, I'm going to read you some interpretation.

So Plyes, if you guys don't know who this is, who the fuck is this guy, Tom? Some people's looks on their faces. They don't know the fuck we're talking about. He's the last one left. He's what? Huh? He's, he's what? He's the last one left.

The last what left Tom? I don't know. Let's, let's read the way he said, he's a rapper. I don't know. Fucking rapper. He's a rapper and we play as clips and we try to decide. Give me that back. Yeah, that's him.

This is from this girl at the poker wife. She's always on Twitter with us. Hey, mommies. Okay. Okay. Here we go. She goes, I told quote Monica that angle. We'll get into that later.

If your girl got a job, bitch, and you ain't got a job. You're supposed to eat her fucking ass. Every time she gets paid, she gets paid Friday bitch. I'll wake that bitch up. We'll let that bitch out of bed. Eat up. Lock on her fucking ass like a pig, dude. He definitely didn't say dude.

No. But now that you just heard what she just said, just give it one more listen. Yeah. I told my young nigga that I know. If your girl got a job, bitch, you ain't got a job. You pulled the eat up fuck out every time she get paid. Okay. If your girl got paid Friday bitch, I'll wake that bitch up.

I only let me get out of bed. Eat up. Lock on her fucking ass like a pig, dude. Like a pig. Right. Okay. Hold on. We're almost there.

It's coming together. Do you want to read the other? Yeah. Yeah. Like a pig. Wait. So this one? Yeah.

There's three translations. Oh yeah. So this one sounds like plies or whatever his name is. It's plies. That was saying that if your woman has a job and gets paid on Friday, eat her. Don't let her get out of bed. Lock on her like a pit bull. Then he goes on to say if you don't have a job and she does, you're supposed to eat

her ass every time she gets paid. Yeah. I mean, that's essentially... That makes sense. Yeah. I mean, is there another interpreter? Yeah. There's one more.

I mean, it's more, but I think the last line is what I'm having trouble with, Tom. Lock on her fuck ass. Like a pit bitch. See, I think he's saying her funky at like funk ass. Like it's her... It's her... He's got that Southern draw. He's like that funky ass.

Not on her fucking ass, but her funky ass. Because her ass be funky, you know? Well, now that's interesting because that changes the whole thing. Yeah. If her ass is funky, then he's going against what he really wants to do, which is to not eat her ass. But because she's getting paid, that's his job is to eat her funky ass. Bam.

Bam. That's deep, bro. That's deep. Now is it lock on her fuck ass like a pit bull? Here, let's give it one more. I think it's a pit bull. Yeah, like a pit bull. Yeah.

Like a pit bull. I think a pit bitch. Like a pit bull. Like a pit. Like a pit bull. Like a pit bull. Yeah. So he's bitch retaining.

Like a. Like a pit. Like a pit bull. Like a pit bull. Like a pit bull. I just told my young nigga that I know. If your girl got a job, bitch, you ain't got a job. You pull the eat off fuck ass every time she get paid.

She get paid Friday, bitch. I would be a bitch. I'll only let me a big guy get out of bed, eat her, lock on her fuck ass like a pit. Like a pit, bitch. Like a pit, bitch. Like a pit. Like a pit. Like a pit.

Like a pit. Like a pit. Yeah. Like a pit. Like a star job. That's what's up. That's it. Hellloooom Nailed it.

But it's like a pit bitch. Like a pit bitch. Yeah. But he says, bitch. He doesn't say bitch. He says, bitch, yeah. He can't finish his words. Every word is a half word.

Yeah. Yeah. Two thirds, that's a very specific fraction. A given to Greece. Sif. Fuck itself. I hate that. I can't.

We're getting turned up. Ah. For what? Wow. Wow. Wow. Michelle Obama did that turn up. What's wrong, James?

Oh, I need. Fuck. Bitch. Can you write down access code for me here? Okay. Thanks. Remember, did you see Michelle Obama? She did the turn up.

Turn up for what? Stupid. I loved it. Yeah. Super cool. That's why you can't use slang when you're old. Cause that you look like Michelle Obama. You can still be cool though.

Turn up. Let's see how much fun we can have while we laugh and have a party. Here we go. It's the creepiest video I've ever seen. A lady just laughing alone. Why? I think she's teaching you to act. Is that like an acting clown?

What is this? That's making the anal cast. Oh my, you guys. I put this on the website. Yeah. Get your life, lady. You don't. All right.

I gotta wash my eyes out. I know. That's so felicia. Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia. Okay. So because we have. Yes, James.

We got a lot here. It's Valentine's Day and we love vocal fry. Here's a sexy vocal fry commercial. I hate it when men try to label me. They say you're too young or you don't understand how to get older. Truth is, I know way more than I think I do. It's daddy's little princess there. We saw one of those stickers on the car on the way here.

Is there a worse identity to have than just being like, I'm daddy's little princess. Like, that's who you are in life. Yeah. And then you make commercials like this. I'm not that little girl anymore. But that's okay. They'll realize what I'm missing soon enough.

Online or on the phone. We're 18. Come play with us. That is a little princess grew up. That voice that you do makes me laugh so hard when you do like horny girls. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to go see say, say, I'm going to go see 50 shades of gray this week.

Daddy doesn't know. 50 shades of gray. Daddy. Uh-oh. What'd you do, daddy? I hope daddy's not mad at me. Assholes, what happened? What happened, mommy?

Oh. Oh. Oh. All right. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Shit.

They'll rectify it. It's all right. It'll be rectified. Yeah. What's that? I can stab each other on Valentine's Day. Love, guys. You know what I think would really change the mood?

What's that, Tom? A fun song. Okay. We have a few of them. Why don't we start with one of my favorite romantic songs? You want to hear a romantic song? I love a romantic song. I dedicate this song to you.

Oh, jeans. It's so sweet. Yeah. This is my love song, too. Okay, let's hear it. Okay. This one goes on to the ladies. Oh.

And all the guys. It's a big bah-wah-wah. Oh, no. Because we're going to be a little mister here tonight. All right. This is DJ. Okay. You ready?

On the station, that snaps you across your fat ass. I know this. We're a fat dick. When I met you last night, baby, before you opened up your gap, I had respect for your ladies, but now I take it all back because you gave me all your pussy. And you even licked my balls. Leave your number on the cabinet. It's real.

And I promise, baby, I'll give you a call. Next time I'm feeling kind of funny, you come on over and I break you off. And if you can't keep up that day, baby, just play back and open your mouth because I have never met a girl. Valentine. Promise. Yeah. Don't clap.

Don't clap for that, you heathens. First of all, I've never really listened to the words. It's really nice. Well, he's telling you that if you can't have sex that day, that's fine. That's not what he's about. He'll use your mouth also. I see that as a super compromising guy. Some guys will be like, no, I gotta fuck.

And this guy's like, no, it's okay. Just lay back. You don't even have to be active. Just lay back. You're right. I'm sorry. Lay back like a corpse and I'll do the work. You're right.

I overlooked his generosity. See? Here's the part. See what happens when we come together? Right. But seriously, though, are there women that are like, this is really, I'm really interested in this idea of like, I just, I don't, it's horrible. What idea?

The whole thing, like, until you open up your gap. Does that mean her cooch? Her meow. Her meow. You're saying, are there any girls into that? Yeah, who are like, yeah. I guess I just don't, I don't get it. Like I don't understand the whole like, and he's like, there's a lot of awesome girls out

there. He's like, I'll give you. He says, he's like, I'll give you a call when I'm feeling, and I've always hated that. Why? Because it's, it's a vulgar word. I wish he could have chosen a different phrase. Mitch, do you have that for me? Is he still here?

He's not dead. Mitch, you're not dead, are you? Where are you? Can you bring it to me? Do you have the password? For the internet, so I can get online. Oh, all right. There you go, guy.

That's on you. Hello, free Wi-Fi forever. You know what? I guess, I guess, because like I grew up, look, the nastiest shit I grew up on was Prince and the Revolution. Remember when like, it was. Okay, darling, Nikki, there is purple rain, and I remember he was talking about some girl masturbating and I was like, whoa, bro, like that, that blew my mind.

Yeah. And then this is like, I want to fuck your mouth. I don't give a fuck about you and choke my cock. Like, I love your song. I found a new artist, by the way. An artist, hardly, yes. And I just think he needs a little boost in listenership and that we could get him going. I found an original song of his.

I'm going to write a song like that and put it out. Wait till you hear this one. Let's just see. This guy, he does this for four minutes. I love to fuck big women, big tits, big tits, big pussy, big tits. I love to fuck big girls. Like, I'm liking them big titties, sucking them big breasts, licking them big titties, eating that big pussy, licking that big click, boys.

I love to bang that big girl with my big dick. I love mocking up one good girl myself and his big dick. You know what I'm saying? I like to fuck them big. Four minutes. The entire time he does it, he rocks, which is... It's so unnerving to watch, because he's basically like... Fuckin' them big girls, you know.

They suck, they dick real good. They get real good. They're really good hand lovers. They're really good dicks. They're really, really dick-loppers, man. Why? I know fuckin' them big girls. They got them nice ass tits and then they sound pussy, nice juicy ass pussy.

Four fucking minutes of that. But it's catchy. It's got a good melody. It's got... Like fuck big girl, I like big tits. And they got a big dick and I put my big dick and I have fucking big girls. I like it. I like it.

This guy needs to get signed. He's got a number of videos up. There's not one. Yeah, there's a few pages of stuff like this. Do you think he's a retard? No. That's so fucking hurtful. I think he's autistic or something, yeah.

Retard. He's a retard. Jesus. You fight about it? It's retard. It's retard. Thank you. Thank you, Leah Durbs.

Hello. I can't believe the people write... See, this is a problem with... You don't interrupt him. This is the problem with bitch, I wanna fuck your mouth. And the problem is that it's such a good song. Like the music when you start to play it. This one, yeah.

It's a lot of you special, yeah. Lemmies. I have my own issues. Husband's a retard, yeah. Now, there's another song that I didn't tell you about. Okay, alright. Because I was... I'm terrified.

I think you're gonna like it. I think you're gonna like it. I'm told that we don't, as a society, rise up in... No, this one is not in my favorite genre. This is more in your... Is it too short? White field, okay.

Is it too short? No, it's not. No, this is not... I'm giving you a white artist, I'm telling you. Alright, alright. What was I up to last night? Wow, let me tell you what I was up to last night. Oh my gosh.

John Sockers. You hate John Socker. Man. Fucked. I hate John Sockers. But at least he's respectful. She said, hey, we gotta play it for her. Okay.

She doesn't remember. Maybe you didn't hear that episode. You're gonna... Oh God, it's so disgusting. But he's taking his cue from these filthy flaring rappers. The filthy flaring filth. John Sockers here. So, this song that he made is called,

She Would Not Stop Sucking My Dick. Oh, stop it. That's the name of the song. Nobody's sucking my dick. She said that my vegan dick is the prettiest dick she's ever seen. No. This is... No.

This is John, if you don't know who it is, this is John. I love vegan vaginas. Pretend that I'm licking your balls or your penis or your anus or something. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. I thought...

He's giving you permission... He's giving you permission to use your imagination. That's good. I always like that. Go ahead. But you always hated him. Vegan vagina. His ten long licks.

Well, how about a song about... This song came in today. No car is allowed. And it's about, you know, it's for the show. So, we should give props. Do the kids still say that? To... Not!

Props to some of my cool butts. It's from... It's from New Zealand, Tim Purdom. That's so far away. Put this out, yeah. And here's his song that he set in today. I heard it was Mondays. I heard it was Mondays.

I heard it was Mondays. Mondays? Yeah. Not a Tuesday. Yeah. What do you mean? From the Copa Gladio? Yeah.

I heard Mondays in here. Yeah because everybody hates Mondays. Oh my god. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga.

You like niggas? Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga.

Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga.

Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga.

Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga.

Nigga. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny.

Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny.

arrangements. Johnny bouncing. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny.

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01:05:25,360 --> 01:05:26,360 Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny.

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Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. 01:06:40,320 --> 01:06:41,320 Johnny.

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Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny.

Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Sam. Sm rape. hhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Stepping on our money train which is upsetting and they made a commercial.

I'd done a dirt squirt that's got to be terrific. I'd done that squirt refreshment. You got it. I'd done that squirt refreshment. You got it. Whaaattt? And squirt refreshment all over your breath. Fresh in your blood.

Fresh in your blood. Fresh in your blood. Fresh in your blood. Fresh in your blood. The gum that goes. Cut down. That's a lot of fucking coffee. Wow!

So if you could hear that was the gum that squirts in your mouth. It's from, like, the 80's. Yeah. Remember that shit, it was like, freshman up? Yeah, I said. Yeah. The gum that goes, squirt. That's so gross.

They're biting our style, man. Well, they're biting our style. But one thing we have is that we're organic, like you mentioned. No additives, only natural ingredients. But I don't know, let's take a vote. Okay, look, would you guys prefer, first of all, the product, here's the pitch. We have to do our Shark Tank pitch, ready? Yeah.

Hi, I'm Christina. I'm Tom. And today we're going to sell... Gum gum! You know how sometimes you want fresh breath? You like guys? Yeah. I mean, I like to keep my fresh breath, but I also want a juicy burst of gum.

There's a big market out there. Studies show that guys are everywhere. And not just white guys, Puerto Rican guys, black guys, Asian guys, Asian guys, Dominicans, Middle Easterns, all the types. And then everybody also likes gum because it tastes good. So we thought, why not tap into an untapped niche market of gum. The gum gum. The gum gum.

We have a factory of 5,000 guys dropping loads all day. And then we put it in the gum. Here, Mark Cuban, do you like it? We gave you a piece. Mmm. And he's like, I can put it in my arenas. Yeah. I can put it in my arenas.

Barbara's like, this is disgusting. We're ready. Mr. Wonderful, do you like it? That's good. Yeah. I could license you. You have a patent? Wait, this came because we were at the sports...

What's that place called? Sports Authority. Yes. Which sounds a little stupid for a fucking sports place, right? Yeah. That's another one I don't like. Like, they're smart and final. Yeah, you're smart.

Yeah, you're smart, but all cells are final. And then I don't like sports authority either because that's a little... That's a big claim to be making, isn't it? Like, we're the authority on sports. It's kind of stupid. They're kind of acting like they're better than they are. Yeah, I get it. The point is, you bit into a piece of gum and it squirted and it was kind of a surprise.

Yeah. Oh, sorry. So I want to take a poll. Clap if you would like cum gum to be flavored differently dependent on the race of the gentlemen. It's like soy cum. Okay. Okay. What if non-flavored, just pure cum?

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. How's that for market research? You got to flavor it. The audience demands flavoring.

I feel like... Which race would that be, ma'am? I feel like the polls don't lie. Man, I'm going to follow what they said. Tapatio. Oh, that's good. That is not good for gum. No, not chalula.

Just a little walk around tapatio in my fucking mouth. Chalula because it's not as spicy, not as much of a kick. It's a sweeter one. But it's got that flavor. Smokier. Smoky. Smoky. Maybe...

What's the caramel that pudding stuff? Flan. Dulce de leche. Yep. You want this, Farts? Yeah, let's do that, mommy. All right. Here we go.

Let's get a new one for this. We were just saying how we're so mad at Cosby because he's ruining everything. Yeah. He's fucked up our dog's name. The dog's name. He's fucked up Would You Rather. Fucking Would You Rather theme song.

What an asshole. God damn it. We can't even go like... Brutti. Oh. You know, I ordered a new name tag for Theo. Officially, it's FIFO from now on just because of this fucking radio.

Oh. And guess what? Huh. This week, since he's got a new name, he's got a new shirt. A FIFO shirt is out. And he's stepped up the game. I'm just going to leave it there.

It's pretty rad. It's pretty tight. Yeah, it's a 95-5 split. But he... He's so demanding. But it hits the store this week. It's pretty awesome. FIFO.

He's got a cigar. It's pretty tight. It's really good. All right, guys. Would You Rather. Here we go. This one, I thought of you. Okay.

Okay. This is for everybody. I was at the gym today, believe it or not, for 30 whole minutes. And... Okay, guys. Would You Rather. Run naked on a treadmill for 20 minutes at the gym

until security comes to take you off of it. But think about it, because that's about how long it'll take for, like, secure... Well, maybe if it's actual police or something, you got to do your full 20. Buck naked on a treadmill. Just jiggling, parts moving.

And my dick gets so small when I exercise. Like, I get, like... I get inverted, you know? Like, I do. I have to, like, pull it out. Or... Or... For an entire year, every time you work out,

you have to wear, like, super, super tight, tight jeans. And no t-shirt. What the fuck? But you get to be, yeah. You know how fucking awful it is to work out in jeans? You know what? It's the worst. What is what I feel like?

Well... Yeah. Because, yeah, but you're not going, right? Oh, so if I go... Yeah, for me, I would do naked. And I'll tell you why. I feel like it would be a crazy adrenaline rush. Right.

Like, to do that once and be like... It's kind of like somebody being like, do you want to sign up to jump out of a plane? And you're like, you know, if you're like, yeah, and you work out... Like, I would know the date is coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd be like, holy shit.

Like, that day, I'm going fucking naked to the gym. You know what I mean? And, like, you'd get, like, sweats and anxiety about it. And then that... I would definitely wear headphones. And I would just start running. And then, you know, I would wait till somebody's like... Sir.

Sir. Sir. And I'd be like, what? And they'd be like, you're naked. And I'd be like, yeah, I know. I would do it. I think I would do it. Because the thing is...

Yeah, one and done. What's that? Jeans. No, no, no. Here's how I envisioned this. I like their style. I like her style. She's got a good...

That's a very good distinction. Thank you for bringing that up. Here's how it works. You're in the locker room. You strip down in the locker room. You exit the locker room. You go upstairs to our gym. Can I wear shoes?

You may wear athletic shoes. That's awesome. That's always a good look. Completely naked with some nice kicks, you know? Yeah. Yeah, with some nice dad socks pulled up halfway. Halfway up the leg. Can I tell you what happened to me?

Well, I thought of this because I was in the locker room, the women's locker room. And I don't fucking change in front of these people, okay? Because I like to come home and I shower in my own fucking shower because it's disgusting. The gym is disgusting. There is this woman. Buck naked. So rad. Are you going to do it?

Yeah, no, shoot. So my locker was like here and then she was totally new jeans and she was doing like, like squatting. Yeah. And I was like... This works. Like, and my locker was right where her asshole was and I had to like... Believe me, believe me, believe me.

That's JV shit compared to the men's locker room. Really? Really? What goes on? Men's locker room is insanity. And it's like, you're just thrown into the fucking circle and like, you join the gym, like our gym where there's like really, there's good lockers, you know? So it's like encourage, like bring your gym bag, like there's...

They have towels, like you can take... It's just, it's dick balls and asshole city. Like that's all it is. And they're, yeah, they're sitting there next to you on the bench naked and they pick up and they put their asshole in your face. Yeah, it's a lot. Who was it that was telling us that some guy was using the balls? He was drying his balls off on the hand dryer.

I think that was wrong. Matt Bronger. Yeah, he, a guy was using the hair dryer to dry his cocking balls, right? And Matt's like, holy shit. And then right before he walks away, like this is just Matt, like he's looking at his Matt, the guy turns around, spreads his cheeks and puts his ass in that. So he's like, like this can't get any crazier. And of course, I think it was like, yeah, how do you explain that to like your son?

Who's like, like... So weird. What's going on there, Dad? You're like, just don't look at that. Like... He's trying to make it happen. He's... It's chocolate treats.

Well, okay. So you take naked on the treadmill. What would you do? I think I would take the same because working out in tight jeans, like... It's horrible. I can barely function. Like I put that shit on. It's like the fucking psycho we saw on that obsessed show.

That's what I was saying. I can wear jeans half the day. And then after I take them off, it's just, ah, right? Like it's the worst. So I'm going to go treadmill. Let's pull the room. Who would do naked treadmill run one time, please? What have you done?

Who would wear super tight jeans and like a belly shirt? Okay. Really? You wouldn't do it once? You wouldn't do the naked thing once? You had to do the jeans and the belly shirt for a year. She doesn't go to the gym. Oh, all right.

Look at this guy clap. So you would do the jeans... He doesn't go to the gym either. Oh. He doesn't go to the gym either. You said that like you've been asking him to go. Yeah. You're like, don't go to the gym.

Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Valentine's Day. You're pissed. Telling you to fucking go and you don't go. It was so loaded.

It was loaded the way. Yeah. Good luck getting that tonight. No way, bro. You ain't getting shit. You got to get that membership. All right. Here we go.

Would you rather... Now this one, I'll tell you what, you guys know Stamps.com. I'm not going to do a commercial. Don't worry, but yeah, I know. They support our show and I fucking, I'll be honest, I didn't use Stamps.com for the last two times I went to the post office to, I was mailing out the sign CDs that I'm selling now. And it was the most fucking torturous thing I've ever done.

So here's what I'm going to say. Would you rather for one day jeans, one day, your full-time job, that day for a month, one job, that day for eight hours, you stand in line at the post office for eight hours. And then when you get to the front of the line, they tell you, you know what you fucking do? This is the fucking word. When you get to the front of the line... Bro, you just went so fucking...

Bro, I know, because I was like... You went fucking 818. I know, dude. I get it. You fucking like... Bro. You're waiting in line and you're like, fuck. You're all fucking faded?

Okay, no. So, bro, you get to the front of the line and then you got some fucking international shit, right? Yeah. And then that fucking bitch is all, oh, you got to fill this shit out, this form out, but you got to step to the side and I help somebody else while you fill out that shit. And you want me to do this for eight hours? Yes.

What's the other thing? Because I'm already pissed off. But that's happened to you before, right? Yeah, it's the worst. It's the worst. Why are you helping... It's the worst. And then they go like, come back when you're ready with the form.

Wait for me, asshole. And then that fucking person goes on lunch and you're like, I'm ready and they're like, get in line. Yes, that's why it's infuriating. Okay. Or... Or... Okay, okay.

Here's another infuriating thing. Or every single time for the rest of your life, the rest of your life, bro, when you're going to get gas, you fucking forget which side of the car the fucking tank is on. Isn't that the fucking worst? And then you got to fucking wedge the car back. Oh, it's the worst. This is a really good one. Thank you.

It's the worst. I was about to be like, there's no... There's not even... It's all about weighing what's worst, you know? Yes, the worst. What's the worst? The worst. It's about...

But the fact that that's for the rest of your life... You forget. Basically, every time you get gas forever, you always park and go, well, fuck, it's on the other side. Yeah. Yeah. And then you got... And I never know how to back the car up to do it, right?

I'm so stupid. Every time... I can't believe I'm going to say this. What? The post office. Wait, what happens when you realign the car? I'm so stupid that I can't figure out the geometry of it when I do that. I pull all the way out of the gas station, I go around the block.

Jesus. I give up. You know what? I'm going to go with the post office because it's one day of your life and then it's done. And you'll never go there again. Yeah. It's one horrible day. I would do it.

All right. What do you guys... Clap if you take the post office. Clap for the post office. All right. Clap for the gas tank. You forget which side of the car the gas tank is on. One person.

All right. It looks like that one. There's a video of a lady who did that. She's driving around the block. I would do that. I would do that too. There's a video. We'll find that.

I feel like that was me. You want to read that one, Jeans? Okay, okay, okay. This was submitted by Chris Morkot. Okay. Chris Morkot. Yeah. The artist.

Yes. Would you rather make your living as a truck driver five days a week or live in Mexico six months a year? But listen to why. This to me is like, well, I love Mexico, obviously. Okay. So it says if you're a truck driver, you get to murder hookers across the country. That's why I pulled this one for you.

And not get punished. Why are we not... See? What we're not caught? Just because we're truck drivers? You know, you always get away with it because you drive a truck. All right. But if you live in Mexico, drugs and hookers are crazy cheap.

I like that that's Chris's reasoning. We all know what Chris likes. Yeah. But the thing is, you can get away with killing them. If you have some money, you can get away with killing anybody in Mexico. You know? Like if you have a lot of money, like $30, $40, you can give that to somebody and be like, yeah, just don't arrest me.

And they're like, that's a lot of money. Okay. Okay. For you, this is, where can I murder more people? Like, where can I... It's so ridiculous that you think I like to murder that much. You will. I do.

I do like to murder. I really like that. I like it a lot. I would take Mexico. Yeah. I love Mexico. 100%. You know why?

Where are we living? Because fucking driving makes me miserable when it's over like an hour. Me too. But I fly to San Francisco. I would fly to fucking Brea if I could, you know? I know. I have a lot of respect for drivers. That is a tough gig.

It's a tough gig, man. That is a tough gig. I used to like it more. Like I used to like road trips. I hate it now, man. Yeah, me too. I hate traveling. If it's a five-hour drive, I'm like, there's gotta be a flight.

Yeah. Yeah. No, Mexico's dope. We live in Tulum, dude. Six months. Yeah. Murder hookers, like you said. Yeah.

Yeah. We do a lot of drugs. Maybe not even kill some, let some of the hookers live even. You know? Like if they're nice. Who would you kill, though? Real talk hookers or like nice girls, like normal girls? Well, I think it's probably more fun to kill nice people that are...

I'm saying like they're not expected. It's more fun. They're like, hey, I heard you just moved here from America, Tamales, and I'm like yeah. And then I'm like, yeah, come check out my place and wreck the neck, you know? Because then people are like, have you seen Josefina? You don't know fucking no, Spanish, no. Yeah. And then I pull out my cock ring.

I think it's always a better move to kill like the nice people. But if you want to get away with it, you kill the hookers because people are looking for them. But they're so sad. Hookers are sad. I like hookers. As a truck driver, you never caught in this fantasy world. Hey, listen, how about this?

If you start murdering people, just kill shitty people. Kill like criminals and rapists and stuff. Yeah. Like be like a justice. Like Dexter, right? Dexter. Yeah. Do Dexter style.

Promise me that. Okay. I kill that when I kill, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's true. We are. And they're like, oh, hey, hi, thank you. Hi.

I'm terrified of you. I'm thought his little pretzels. Yes. That's how you get to kill. Everyone else. Daddy's little princess. There's a booze of Batsacle. Hi.

Hey, what's up? Yeah. You can kill those broad. All right. Let's do these two. Yeah. All right. And then we got to run.

We got to run. All right. All right. One last. They have another show. All right. What's what am I doing? No.

Me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me.

Me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me. Me, me, me. All right, so this theme, because it's Valentine's Day with an M, I'm gonna do hosts of like romantic game shows. So, for instance, let's do men, Chuck Woolery, you might have heard of him.

Didn't greasy. Host of Love Connection, the only show my mother watched every single episode of religiously. She adored Love Connection. And that's right, two and two. And Bob. Have you ever noticed that it was two and two? It was never two and two. It was always.

Exactly. Yes, that was the one thing. You timed it? Yes. Two minutes and two seconds, but was it really that long? He really, it would be like two minutes. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was really weird. All right, go ahead. How do you know that? Because I love Chuck Woolery. Okay, so filler up, sealer shut, Chuck Woolery, host of Love Connection. Easy, I wanna suck everything he's got. He's super conservative now. Yeah, he is.

Or. He's really, really. He's losing his mind. Or Bob Eubanks, the original host of the newlywed game. Remember Bob Eubanks? He kind of had like a cute widow's peak. And he would always say making whoopee instead of fucking, which was really nice. Which means he'll fucking shove it in your ass first time.

All the guys that are like make whoopee are like fucking eat my pot. That's like Bill Cosby. Yeah. He had on the first date and be like, eat that. And you're like, no. Chuck Eason, no. Okay. I got that.

It was really loud. Who's your. Here's one I'm gonna go with. Okay, Woolery is out of his fucking mind. He's Republican. He hates women. Eubanks, on the other hand, he's like an old school fucking 60s lover. Like I, I like his puffy hair and he's kind of old now.

So we take Viagra. I feel like I could milk his balls quick. I'd be in and out. Lickety slick. You know what? Dude, I'd be fucking, I'd be out of there in two and two. Yup. Wow.

Yup. I feel like Eubanks has a dungeon and the fact that he says make whoopee is the only indicator I need. I bet he puts a ball gag on you. I bet he ties your arms and legs up and he's like, this is going to hurt before it feels good. But that's how you roll. He's old now.

Yeah. That's how he rolls. And that's why he has no empathy anymore. And then he hurts you and then he's like, right when I see blood, that's when I ejaculate. Like that's what he says. And I feel like with Woolery, you know what he is, but I feel like he's still, you know, he's like, I'm not going to, I'm going to take it easy on you. Let's have a beer.

Let's get to know each other. And he goes, you know, there's a country's going to shit. And you're like, all right. And then he's like, get over here. Yeah. He's going to talk dad stuff with you for a long time. Yeah. And then he's like, all right.

And then he just all of a sudden, his dick's on your shoulder. And you're like, oh my God. His dick's on your shoulder. And then you're like, what's that coming out of your cock? And he's like, didn't greasy. And then you're right. Woolery is like a masturbator. He just wants to masturbate on you or somewhere near you.

I think he's real traditional. We all have those, am I right? I think, I think Woolery is really traditional and he's just like missionary. And I think you banks is like, I'm going to bring a couple of friends in the room. I think you've got it all wrong. Nope. It's the other way around. Woolery is a derelict pig.

Yeah. He's all those fucking conservatives. No. It's, it's that repressed Republican energies. He's all repressed and weird. So he's got to look, look, look, look who's big into SNM, the English. They love it. BDSM.

That's all. All right. You know why? Cause they're repressed. I disagree. Well, we're just going to have to agree to disagree, Tom. Who do you guys want? Chuck Woolery?

Bob Eubanks. Thank you. A bunch of savages in this room. Oh, I hold on. I got girls. Okay. So the ladies, uh, Patty Stanger of millionaire matchmaker or, uh, Carney Wilson from the new newly wed game.

Wow. You guys really love her. I love Patty Stanger. I would sit on my face. What? I love Patty. You love Patty. Yeah.

You let Patty sit on your face. I would. Just cause she's so dominant and domineering and stuff. She'd be like, meet my millionaires and then she'd shit in my mouth and I'm like, what? That's the wine talking. Okay. Yeah. Oh, there's Patty right there.

Oh, yeah. Okay. All right. All right. Multiple choice. I'm choosing Patty Stanger a hundred percent. I think she would really put my balls in a vice and I think she would. I think she's all about, you know, the taunt.

I think she taunts you. I don't think she's like, let's do it. I think she's like, yeah, bitch, I'm going to fucking teach you a lesson right now. And I do, I think Carney's, Carney's, but I'm a big Patty fan. She's such a, yeah, she's, here's, here's Carney. She's a sucking vortex of need and sadness. She's got a lot of hurt and a lot of turmoil. She's going to cry.

That's the thing. You're going to have to clean up those feelings and a lot of that, you know what I mean? She's going to cry. Here's Patty. I think you're tomming my asshole. Yeah. Fucking little bitch. Look at you.

You're so fucking worthless. And you don't know how much I fucking hate you. You're fucking worthless little piece of fucking shit. And I'm like, oh. Thank you, Patty. All right, guys. That's, we got to go, right? Yeah, we do.

Well, they have another show. They need the room. Look, we had so much fun with you guys on Valentine's Day. Yeah, thank you guys. Happy Valentine's Day. Thank you for coming. That was better than doing some stupid Valentine's Day shit. What do you want?

You want to hear? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, do you want to hear this or that. Yeah. Okay, hold on.

Okay, hold on. Uh, oh, oh, my gosh. Okay. Oh, they're, they're gonna pee on me though. Oh okay. Jesus. All right. All right, hold on.

Good. He's gotta find the sound board. Okay. You guys. POP. Only that. All right. Okay.

Mama, I love you. Mama, I love you. You squaw, baby. Poor. Any other one you want to hear? Oh man. Jesus. Oh, that's in the vault, son.

Yeah. You know, somebody gave us an album of City Connection. Yeah, we have it. Actual vinyl. It's in the, it's in the studio now. So cool. I want to get it framed. Yeah.

Where is that? Jesus. You could, um, okay, lady. Whoa. We've had enough of that on this episode. Baby, baby, baby. Fuck with my, my, my. All right.

All right. Thanks a lot guys. We love you. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, oh, oh, oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.