Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - LIVE with YOSHI - Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 28, 2017

This is the second live podcast we did on this evening at The Irvine Improv. The inimitable Yoshi joins us for some hilarious and often jaw-dropping conversations.   *Please use HEADPHONES to listen to this episode. And of course, STANIMA. 

If you're new to the show, that is chips being poured into a bowl, and that means there's a big announcement. Here's the announcement. Today, April 28th, my new album, Mostly Stories, is available for download, streaming, purchase, anywhere and everywhere that music is available. What that means, you can go on iTunes, you can go on Amazon, you can go to up your dad's dick hole, and you can listen to it if it plays in there. For people that get it on iTunes and whatnot, I appreciate it.

It does have two bonus tracks that are not in the special, so if you want to hear some extra material, it's on there, and I just recorded those for that. But let's see, what else? If you're looking for a physical copy, they go on sale on Monday, and you can get a bunch of them. It will be autographed. That will be an actual CD, Heart We Know With The Artwork and whatnot, and if you're a vinyl collector that comes out in June, there will be a limited release of those, but I appreciate

anybody and everyone that gets a copy of the album. That's it. Thank you so much for supporting, and the album is Mostly Stories. It's out now. You may have noticed that Kris Jeans is not on the mic right now. I think she's getting her hair dead. This is one of my favorite instrumentals that's ever come in. Here is the, as promised, live from Irvine with Yoshi, and I want to say a few things.

Well, first, let me do these dates, because we're not doing it mid-show. You can see Kris Jeans, the bad personality half of this show. At the Sacramento Punchline, this Friday and Saturday, April 28th and 29th, the Punchline in Balls, Sacramento, California. May 4th and 5th, she's in Fartnix, Arizona at Stand Up Live. May 19th and 20th, she is in Jude Ork Titties at Gotham Comedy Club, one of the greats right there. Then perhaps the greatest club in America, June 1, 2, and 3, Dongver Comedy Works in

Dongver, Colorado, downtown. That is the room, man. June 16 and 17, Fran Mandisco at the Punchline. She'll be up there, another fantastic comedy club. Let's see. We're the God. What am I doing here? I just added a second show in Eugene, Oregon, May 12th, so there's now a late show.

If you're in Eugene, holler at your boy. May 13th, there's two shows in Portland, Oregon at Revolution Hall. I was there a few weeks ago. I couldn't add because of Easter, so I'm coming back. The early show is sold out, so Portland, Oregon added a show. Then there's a bunch of dates, man. Go to tomcigarette.com slash tour. I'm hitting Tucson, Reno, Tameka, going to the South or kind of South, Richmond, Virginia,

Virginia Beach, Asheville, Charleston, South Carolina. It goes on and on. Then I'm calling to mom, Australia, Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, Brisbane, Jesus Christ, so much. Okay. So the live show, bunch of people, you know, I can say, but most people were fine with the first live one. It is not the same audio quality as a studio show.

I'll just say that. Some live shows, they can be. Obviously, we work really hard to try to get it there, and you entrust that with some other people sometimes and their equipment, and this is just what you got. Here's one of the solutions that a lot of people told me that we're having difficulty with the last live one, was just to use headphones. They said once they use headphones, no problem. So it's not total catastrophic distortion or anything.

It doesn't sound the same as what I'm saying right now. So it was a live show. The great Yoshi, who if you don't know, you go to past episodes of your mom's house, has always been a lot of fun, and he was definitely not holding back on this night. This was the late show on a Sunday at the Irvine Improv, sold out, and Yoshi comes in about halfway through. A lot of fun, a lot of laughs. Thanks, and I hope you guys enjoy it.

I gotta make sure this thing... I can't stop it. Hi guys, this is so exciting. A Sunday night, holy shit, nine o'clock. Yeah, you guys are animals, man. You don't give a fuck about your lives. It's a school night! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Dick, I'll make you slap somebody in the face. All right, yeah. You got...you ordered a...I have not seen this. This was not a set up, she was like, I have a surprise for you, and then she came out with a fucking nerd hat, fucking water nerd, that's what you are, chief of the water nerds. Look at you.

Those little bottles are too much for you to handle. How dare you, nerd? And look at you dehydrating with coffee right now. But then I hydrate. You deserve a get, lady. You're terrible, huh? You need to get your fucking life. Hi guys.

Hi guys. This is so exciting. I can't even handle it. Yeah. Who, by the way, how many of you were at the early taping, early show? Wow. Oh! Oh!

Die hard, moms. Thank you very much. That's die hard. Wall to wall, moms. You guys really need to get your lives. Now... You better get your life. Now, we had a lot of fun at that show.

We explored some interesting topics, but we have many more. Non-binary topics. Some very non-binary topics. You know what's so interesting about the non-binary thing is that we thought we'd get a lot of pushback on the last episode, you know? So we've been asking people, you know? Just be like, hey, hi, how are you? What's your name?

What's your pronoun? So... The idea that you should engage conversations that way is in sanity. That you should meet people and be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, what's your name? What's your pronoun? You would do that. What's that at? Well, seven out of ten people would be like, I'm going to punch you in the fucking face

if you ever ask me that. It's not a good conversation. Did we have two responses? Yeah. No, we actually had some people like, I'm non-binary. I'd love to talk about it. But I'm saying usually we offend some portion. But do you...

Yeah, we get hate mail every week. And this, you know, it goes out to like, there's well over half a million people every week. And this question of trying to get some non-binaries has led to two fucking responses. I know. Begging. We're like, please bring your non-binary ass to our life. And they're like... We'll see.

Well, we'll investigate. I'll have them on that steep row and we'll see if it's... Yeah? You know, good. You're going to be sincere with them? I have to be. You have to be, yeah. You can't be like, you fucking nerd.

Well, if we brought them on your mom's house, that is how we would be a little... We'd shit on them a little. I don't want to do that. No, I wouldn't shit on them. I'm not hurtful like you. I don't have hate in my heart like you. I also make some art. Give it up for the songs beforehand.

Oh, yeah. This guy. And there's so much... Yeah, that was a DJ dad mouth exclusive. There's so much that has been put together for not only the live shows that you're at right now, but the studio shows. And we want to actually acknowledge this is something that's never been done before. We teased it, but we said we were going to do it on some shows.

It never happened. But we have an opportunity tonight at this show to actually introduce you to Blue Band, the eagle and producer of our show. You're going to see him. He goes through the emails. He makes those clips. You know, every fucking thing that you hear. He did my used panty sleeve.

Everything you hear. Blue Band has put his little claws on. That's so good. He's done it, you know. What's wrong with you? That's Blue Band. What's wrong with you? You niggas are crazy.

Blue Band, right there. So how about you put your hands together for our producer, the one and only Blue Band. Let him say hi. Where is he? Blue Band. You've never seen him. There he is. There he is.

Blue Band. Give him a cut-off. You juma fuck you. Cut-off. There you go. You juma fuck you. Yeah. There he is, guys.

All right, Blue Band. Blue Band, have you enjoyed working on this show? Yeah, it's been a fun job. Yeah? Yeah. Where do you sleep at night in a nest? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's little bits of yarn I find along the day. Yeah. I sleep in that. Because people send to our PO Box, people send like a little bird feed and they go, give it to Blue Band. Yeah. Thanks for that. It's a little tasty.

But you do a great job. Thank you very much, Blue Band. All right. Clap for Blue Band. Is that what you pictured? No. What did you picture? A picture of a fucking bird.

A bird. More like Ari. More like Ari. More like Ari? A different looking Jew? Like Jewy. Yeah. You don't think Blue Band looks Jewish enough?

Are you fucking shitting me right now? Do you want a second viewing? Jesus. They're super Jewy. Maybe. Is it the right hair? Yeah. Yeah.

It throws you off. Yeah. But you think, but Ari, Ari is Jewy. Ari is so Jewy. Yeah. Ari is like offensively Jewish looking. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He welshed on the bed. That motherfucker. Has he still welched on it or is he going to make it? No. Here's what he did. So if you don't know, you know, we had this bad going.

Burnt and I had a bad going and Ari was supposed to pay up. And he was like, then, and then he was like, no, he's not paying. And we're like, all right, whatever you fucking asshole. And then he wrote us this long email where he was like, I'm just happy. You guys are alive. And you're going to be in my voice really well. I can't mumble as much. But he said that like now we're going to live longer because we lost the weight.

And he's like, I'm taking my dad to Romania this year. I wouldn't be able to do that if he was obese. Why is he taking his dad to Romania? It's terrible there. No, it's not terrible. His dad was a kid in a village there before the Holocaust or some shit. And he was, it's Ari. You understand Ari who's like, oh, you're going to die next week.

That's how he texts you every day. And then now he's like, my dad will see it because he's not obese. And now you guys might live that long too. Now that Ari's writing shit like that. It's fucking weird. My favorite is that the bet was for you guys to become declared just overweight. Yeah. That's the bet that he made.

I bet you can't just be overweight. Just to be overweight and not declared obese. Yeah. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. And he was like, there's no way you can do it. There's no way you can do it. That was his whole bet. That is a miracle.

Give it up for my husband for losing fucking 50 pounds. 50 pounds? Don't do that. Babe, you're just overweight now. I know. I'm so proud of you. No, I'm only overweight. It's just like the gaze.

It's just like the gaze. Just like the gaze. Would you ever marry your mom? You know I really would. It's the most. We actually found somebody who at the first, we found another news story where a lady married not just her son, but her daughter too. That's the right response.

A woman married her son had the marriage annulled. I didn't even know that you'd need to go through that. And then she was like, I'm going to marry my daughter now. So you're not going to let me marry my son? I'm going to marry my daughter. And that's what she did. She married her son and her daughter. Would you do that?

Would you marry your son? Yes. Yeah. No, of course not. They come out of your vagina. Would you marry your dad? No. Why?

He's cool. You know what I'm thinking about? If I had to marry my mom or my dad, definitely my dad. My mom was gorgeous. Yeah. I would definitely marry my dad too. You'd marry your dad over your mom? Yeah.

Fucking a hundred times. Yeah. Well you and your dad are like two peas in a pod though. Yeah buddy. Yeah. It'd be gross to kiss him and stuff, but I still would. He's got a major dad mouth. Oh my god.

You know what's funny? Because we were talking about if I would ever date your dad. Yeah. Yeah. Ask him will you ever date your mom? Yeah. We were laying in bed and we were like, would you ever date my dad? Like if I die.

Yeah. And I was like, you know what? Kind of. Because Top Dog is you and the future. Yeah. It's not good. But yeah. I know.

I know exactly what I'm going to be like in 30 years. Yeah buddy. Come here. Yeah. But the only caveat is that I don't want to touch his peener and I don't want to kiss his mouth because the mouth is bad. You wouldn't blow my dad? No.

Why? He'd be so nice to you. You don't have to, it doesn't have to be an enthusiastic blow job. Well. You don't have to be like oh. Right. Just give him a little like a plop. Like a plop it in there.

He'd be done in a few seconds. It'd be great. He'd look. Yeah. Are you done? Yeah. Yeah. There's no way he could last long with you doing that.

Now see I'm considering this because he's an old guy though. Do we have to factor in the age? Is he able to get hard? Yeah. Don't ask me how I know but yeah. Have you seen your dad with an erection? No. No.

But we've talked about it. Shut up. I'm serious. What does he say? Because he's like my buddy's my pals. He takes pills. He takes viagra. He has a friend that takes a direct injection into his dick.

No. Yeah. You can do that? Yeah. I didn't know you injected it into your penis. This guy's in his 80s and he does a direct injection. I was like I just asked because it was the topic. I go oh wow like you know is that something you're looking at?

He's like I got buffalo blood in me or some shit like that. Some great. I was like what? He's like no problems there buddy. I was like all right. Okay dad. But his balls are very hangy. Now how do you actually you have seen his balls?

I have seen his balls on a cruise two years ago. We were in his cabin in all fairness. I was in his domain and he was laying in his boxers and he likes to wear them paper thin. They're just down to the tissue. You know they're so warm. Yeah they're like 30 year old boxers. Yes. Which I'm not throwing stones because those are probably the most comfortable boxers any human could ever wear.

And he was laying on his back and he was and I was sitting at the foot of the bed. We both were. She wasn't just like I'm here. No. We were in there together visiting with my it's a vacation. You're like hey dad what are you doing? You know like hanging out. So I'm sitting in the chair and he's whatever on the bed and he flips over and the blankets like kicked off of him.

And he swings his leg. Yeah. A Kimbo and his nuts just pop. And I did the thing that probably most of you would do. It's like your wife's in the room and you see your dad. I go hey dad could you cover your balls real quick. Right. Not because I mean I wouldn't but it's like it's your daughter.

But I've seen so many balls. Do you remember what his reaction was? He goes come on Tommy. You sound like your mother. And I'm like what are you talking about man. Like I'm not telling you like don't eat that. I'm just saying will you cover your balls right now. And he insisted on not.

He's like but being a baby. But I feel like that's such a dad thing because my dad too. In the 80s would wear those short shorts like kind of magical Johnson would wear. Magical Johnson. Dude you guessed hosting Sports Center is my dream. Like that would be. They're going to call any of them. Amazing thing.

Magical Johnson so but you know what I'm talking about. Magical throws the ball. So remember they would wear those short shorts in the 80s. Yes. And my dad used to wear those and I remember he would sit with you know how guys crossed their legs one leg over and his knots would pop out. I feel like that's what dads do they just show you their balls. Well at a certain point too I mean like I understand.

You do it to LS all the time. I don't go like hey look at my balls. No but you walk around in your boxers. Yeah of course I'm at home I don't give a shit. That's what I'm saying. That's like a dad thing. It's a dad thing. You're like yeah get used to it.

They're my balls. Yeah. My dads though you're right. I mean I think it's partly with age too but I've seen him fucking like I've come into his bedroom where he just got out of the shower and he's like he walks by and I see him like walk past me throw his towel down grab underwear and as he bends over to put them on I'm like oh my god like it looks like a wild hog have you ever seen yes they're fucking gargling enormous they're like big those giant garlic cloves yeah like real bulbous at the end

and it's weird to be like that's where I came from that's my that's my first house was right there yeah yeah yes and then your dad just in your mom I know I remember the story. I remember yeah buddy so you think that's his finishing line buddy on your mom what do you think he says I don't I don't I don't know we can change topics now that's it actually is probably something like that yeah yeah what do you think your dad's is good and then it gets up real quick you know how he gets up after a meal super fast I'm done yeah oh that's definitely yeah so he probably like no my mom is my mom has actually confirmed that really yeah she goes that with your father it's like in my prostitute because because he's like I'm gonna

take a shower my baby he gets up immediately now we do it and then you say get out yeah get out is my closing line and I recommend it it's a fun thing to do try it with your spouse okay for a girlfriend or whatever now try it if you're the girl that was even better you imagine what a mind fuck you would do to most guys if like he's like and then you go get out and he's like what I think I'm in love yeah you're like I don't fucking like you dude but then but guys would love that that that's how you're gonna do to marry you yeah yeah and they'll come back like I love you bitch oh my god please I would have been hooked immediately on dude you were that's how I got you an attitude problem but just like the gaze you came over and we did it

and I basically was like get the fuck out of here and then you're like can I come over tomorrow can I see you again girl what's your number girl you're my head he's all it's just like the gaze yeah you were totally like that with me like I was not like girl you're in my heart for real though no yes no I was like anyways you were not you were you just loved me what yeah that's cuz I was mean to you I was a little dismissive yeah you were that's intriguing but you know why because my heart had been broken I was I was mending a broken heart and I was I don't want no fucking dude I don't want to get married I want no kids fuck this and then you were like you just loved it I know but it was perfect because the girl I dated before you was a total

Dalmatian so I was we've been saying that in private a Dalmatian oh wait we haven't said on the show yet yeah I know we're there's super yeah dopey right yeah yeah yeah like a Maltese or a yeah yeah Maltese's are dumber aren't they she's like hi like schnitzel yeah but anyway so you were dating a Dalmatian yeah and I love what you told me about this the other day we've been talking about we've never talked about this before no she used to like as a like as a treat like it was supposed to be exciting shit straight hair right like like like Christina has straight hair but like on blonde brown eyes we do curls but like child like curls where and she would be like I curled it and she's like do you like it I'm like you look like

Shirley Temple right now like like do I like it no I don't want to fucking eight year old what are you talking about like you know I mean like it was like a it was a child like look and she's like I did it for a year I'm like you can undo it for me too because I don't like it at all brush that shit out the worst is I had to pretend I'd be like oh you did the fucking curls again that's awesome like she would do like those tendrils right like southern bell yeah that's a fucking I felt like it was like an attempt to do like that Farrah Fawcett 70s look right barrel curls yeah yeah but it wasn't it was just like I'm a good girl right and I didn't like it did she put bows in it too she was almost there yeah yeah like when you get your dog back from

the groomer especially when they do it to your male you're like do you think he wants that bone yeah they do it to thief all the time I'm like quit queer and I'm like fucking non-binary stop doing it yes he hasn't chosen his gender yet allow him ask him his pronoun as ask it it's Zim's pronoun Jesus that's how you joke you shut up tendrils and so you had to pretend like you isn't that funny when you're dating somebody you just you have to let some of the small stuff slide if you're not marrying that person you know yeah and that I'm trying to think I told you guys you've heard this one but I had a guy I was dating when I worked at Starbucks in the summer of 19 whatever and he had this guy was he was a sweet guy he still lived at home he was like 25 and he got a tattoo of

the band rocket from the crypt because you can get into lame-ass white shit to me okay blackie real cool name to give me whatever I couldn't think of a word that was more politically correct sorry so he had a rocket from the crypt tattoo so that he could get into all their shows for free that's so fucking lame I know I was like oh you're kind of a loser you told me about that lame-ass bullshit and then I looked it up and then I found I read an article yeah that so all their diehard fans did that and then I guess they went away for a while and then they had a comeback tour but the comeback tour is like your diehard fans so they all had that tattoo and they were like yeah that that's no good anymore we're not doing that pause that sucks so all these people that got it

tattooed could not benefit from it anymore that's terrible yeah that's like when I was on road rules and we all got tattoos and then one guy shut up I have a tan I'm so embarrassing it's terrible it's fucking dog shit but one of the guys one of the guys on on my show got a tattoo of the road rule symbol on his ankle I know he regrets it now he's got like a family and kids did he change it to something else now it's still yeah you can do that you should tell him that's an option you can change it I know he could make a flower or do anything anything else yeah we haven't done a proper show open oh my god I mean we probably should right so first of all this is the late show out of your minds thank you for coming out as always here's a clip to get us started and the

opening of our show here we go just drizzle in some of the included moist water-based lubricant slide yourself in and you're ready to drill her like an oil rig house now play the guitar that's shit that's my favorite shit when you watch band it's always like two guys in the band that catch each other and they're like yeah I'm feeling you that's such a

white guy thing that's an old white guy oh really blackie tell us about it blackie I don't know past my bedtime I'm usually asleep by now that's true you actually really are every night you have to turn the volume down now well yeah it's too loud I can't sleep you used to always be like turn the TV on watch something watch something and I'd be like all right now you can't turn it down for me that's a fucking perc close your eyes this is what you sound like see they think it's you why do I talk like a homeless person with no body you talk like that I don't know that's dumb do you I don't like that one juice why is he

saying juice he's actually acting he's improvising so it's a it's a scene where a lady actor is squirting into a guy's face I got it so but it's squirt considered juice no it's not but imagine you're in the moment say something and you're like juice yeah he could have he could have said anything coffee whatever he said juice that is such a neat story thank you you're welcome you know what we're talking about okay I'm sorry I wanted to bring this up because I my friend came over last night and he's single and he's on Tinder yeah which is not just a fuck sight anymore apparently it's not just for fuck boys we've missed

that boat completely totally do you know that when Tom and I started seeing each other there was Friendster and MySpace true everyone MySpace was the shit like you need update your profile man and like and like putting music on there and everybody was so excited and that became a fucking wasteland yeah yeah how did that that transition was I feel like that was quick MySpace was the like if you were a comic yeah plug your dates on there you know yeah yes it was the thing and and Dane Cook fucking started that whole started that whole thing man and he would like he would email every single person back that emails and we're

talking not like a hundred emails like there were thousands with poor he had millions he he was a first person to have like right right but I'm saying he was engaging everybody and that and then I feel like it was like one day you were just like hey MySpace and they're like you fucking piece of shit like they talked to you like you were bleeding out of your neck you know yeah that's how Friendster was to remember I don't remember what Friendster was precursor to MySpace and it was even it was Lamer though you could only put like pictures of yourself yeah there was nothing shiny or razzle dazzle it was just like here's

me really people could like were you on Friendster of course 2004 dude wow yeah super rad but I was thinking about Lincoln Den were you on that Lincoln Den fuck Lincoln fuck Lincoln Den clap if you're on Lincoln Den some people it is not helpful yeah thumbs down I get offers I decline what I was thinking how great it would be if you were on Tinder and what your profile would be because I know if you were single you'd be so fucking lost in this digital wasteland what are you talking about because you're retarded like you wouldn't know like little stuff like okay okay because we learned last night that when you swipe

okay so the first picture that you see somebody that's the lead photo that's the most important photo that's that's your a game bro so like don't put a fucking picture with you and your friend because now it's confusing that is really dumb yeah why would you fucking because we were going through our friends and like every like third girl there was two girls in the picture like well which bitch is it man yeah which one of them's a sluttier one yeah we were we were trying to hook him up last night and like some of the girls like their lead thing was like no hookups were like fucking ex you out of here so

yeah we were so excited though it was fun the whole world of hooking up so anyway okay so I was like I wonder what Tom's would be here's your lead photo I know it dick and balls what do you mean and you're like suck my stuff no am I right you guys know him yeah it'd be like you guys want to suck this no because I know that that wouldn't lead to it getting sucked so what would your what would your lead photo be think about a photo all right here's my a game photo to like try to get you know Tinder swiped right so here we go go ahead yeah wow right wow no I think you have to like down you can't do like this some

people have that obnoxious photo you have to kind of downplay it a little bit what do you mean because people put photos that like are too flattering you know that's what I would do I would start with a headshot like a professionally done Robin von Swank you know perfect I paid a thousand I would hold the camera down here so that like like double chins are accentuated and then if you meet me like that's even better than I thought you know that that's what I would do but no bitch is gonna click on you fucking double chins maybe maybe some sad ones that are wellness okay you're right you're a genius yeah I'm not looking for

a serious thing stupid huh yeah I did we did see that some people put like like you know some people do real serious shit like I'm into I'm intellectual some girl had some girl had her list she's like must be muscular this habit must have a certain income if you don't okay don't then go ahead and swipe I was like this bitch I hope you get a virus like I I hope your profile gets a virus okay Tom I'm serious it's Patty Stanger would say that it's unreasonable you can't do the list the list is stupid it's not nice no you shouldn't have like you have to meet every single one it's a dumb way to meet somebody there was the one kid

though he had the funny set sometimes I think the funny ones are the way to go that's what women because women always say I like a guy with sense of humor but not really because you're the guy with the sense of humor you know I mean no I'm just saying a lot of women can't handle what is I love him you know that he's my heart I would lay down my life for this motherfucker but she's always saying but people don't like you like but it's little shit like we're finished banging and then he literally does roll over and go get out you would find that charming if you were with me yes you would it wouldn't be like you like get

out of here bitch I was not like that not like that but it's funny and then he was farting we made sweet love and then two minutes later you farted in the bed and but then he goes why don't you give me credit I was like for what he goes I've been holding them in all night that's real life stuff we're gonna act like I'm the only dude that does that no you do it too and you also want credit you want I'm not asking you to fucking like be like what like buy me a gift but how about you go well I was really you want credit for you want credit for holding in a fart while we're doing it that doesn't that's no people do that all the

time right but they don't want credit yes they get it's a given I'm the only one brave enough to speak up for this whole community but then my favorite part so you farted and then I looked over we were just we were just talking about life or whatnot and you're picking your toes and then he ripped off a toenail and then did one of these over the floor right so as not to get it in the bed which I do appreciate the that's all I'm asking for thank you and you're welcome so wait but that's the guy with a sense of humor that's on go ahead there was the kid with the funny profile that was a picture of him he's 18 he's wearing

sunglasses he has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and he has a rifle he's like the butt of it is in his hip and he's like and in his profile was what's the difference between jelly and jam and then it said I can't jelly a dick in your ass that's good that's a funny kid you wouldn't swipe right on that no why not he's funny you like funny that's a funny kid like funny guys that's what I'm saying yeah and if he were what is your critique to that kid what's wrong with that that's a funny approach babe babe what no I would encourage that kid every day if I knew him I'd be like step it up dude push it harder like yeah I would be

so bad at this what would your profile okay you said I would be a fucking red what would your bio line be fucking I do I don't know there that's it perfect fucking dude I don't know and I would swipe I believe this chick's cool that would intrigue me here would be here's what I would do real talk I'd be very honest and direct I'd be like I don't have any fucking hobbies because I work and I have a kid and I like to watch a lot of TV do you like to sleep a lot I like to sleep I like to eat I don't like doing stuff I fucking don't the fact that we have a kid makes us do stuff all the time and

that's like it's a lot no but look if if if you're on this it means that you're newly single so you'd be a little more excited than that I know you'd be back but here's the thing when I was single when you and I started dating I kept it 100 like that because you call me the first time to ask for a date and you're like hey do you want to go hiking and I was like fuck no that's true it's true start I asked her to go on a hike because it's like a very LA it's a nice thing to do I know and anyway I hung up but that's the thing is I didn't hike you know it wasn't like I was just like oh that's a cool guy LA date like you want

to go on a hike and then you see them all hiking look good-looking people so I pretend to be that guy and she was like no I don't want to like that but I didn't I didn't put it together that you were asking me out on a date until I hung up and then I felt really bad I was like oh my god I think Tom's the girl I just tried to ask me on a date and I fucked it all up dude so then like I forget how I think I told my friend to tell you I liked you or something stupid and then it was like fucking sixth grade it's exactly what happened that's how I was like just so you know Christina likes you I go I just asked

her out he's like ask her out again okay yeah cuz I don't know how to date like I don't know how to do it and I call you you're like hello and then you're like do a funny thing is though I asked $100 I asked her out on a date I asked her to marry your mom I asked her out on a date to go on a hike and she said no and then I asked her out again and she goes yeah how about I'll pick the place I know a bar where you can still smoke and that's where we ended up going so we went from hiking to a bar you can still smoke at now I swear God we should bring this guy fuck yeah bro dude we're so stoked for this one of the

all-time hall of fame greatest guests we've ever had we'll get it is back here with us and we could not be happier to have him you know him you love him please give a warm round of applause to the one and only Yoshi everybody all right you guys told me it's gonna be one minute I've been wearing that thing for half an hour oh my god oh that was our pub play mask I'll make a terrible rapist all right um what did you think of the mask it's great meeting Taiwan now do you know what that's for no well bdsm or something what yeah yeah yes it's a pub play thing I can't breathe but it's not sexual it's I forgot they were so cool I was just gonna go out and run around and uh maybe

buy a black person but um but this is orange county you don't have one all right uh by the way congratulations on most of the people in this room for the white people president trump um white men are back look at Tommy you lose weight you look great guys we're fucking back all right we're back I'm so happy I'm so happy to be back on top it was a rough fucking eight years you know all the blackies were doing their thing and that's back to us keep just making America great you know I think it caught a lot of people surprised when trump won yeah a lot of the um politician analysts and people were wrong

there's one industry predicted this last three terms four terms it's pornography pornography predicted the winners yes last three presidents um wait who in pornography no no um for literally for obama one yeah the most popular porn at the place I used to work evil angel was interracial porn America was ready for black men right to be in the white house right uh now some of you said yourself how did pornography predict bush uh late 90s uh the most popular point at that time is torture porn um you know you grab a girl's head and put it in the toilet you know water boarding America was ready for it right right so I know what you're saying just well what kind of porn was so popular to predict president trump had two words for you incest porn now um I mean people in

pornography call it taboo relation but you know what it is yeah I'm gonna fuck you mommy or step brother this and that right yeah yeah if you listen to trump when he talked about Ivanka trump so many times he said if she wasn't my daughter I would date her yeah that was that same way into my head come out of my other ear what he's saying is I want to fuck my daughter that's what I'm hearing yeah and that's whatever that's they went into my ear and down into my balls yeah I like that yeah that was nice yeah that was good I have come all over my face now it's great to be back dude it's so good to see you where have you been your fans are the best yeah nice people there's a lot of funny people in business but um christina tom they're always great

offstage and uh you know she's always concerned about me to get therapy and things like that it's not going to happen but um if I can beat you up I can't get hard yeah but you've we also are always asking because you've been doing some of the medical testing yeah how's that going have you been doing it lately um I'm I'm I'm screening for a couple of them I'm getting ready to do another one within a week or so and uh cirrhosis and what was the other one um hepatitis p or something I don't know um sometimes when I don't qualify for studies I I'm a recruiter so like I if I don't have a um lady problem I look at you know go around the mall and look for someone wait a lady problem well what do you mean what does that mean so like there'll be like a medical

test but it'll be only for women only for women oh sorry oh that's so you'll just walk up to them be like hey it was really it was really awkward because recently there was a study for some reason they were looking for people with uh surgical cut on their body two inches or longer so um I was at the mall recently I went to mall eating hot dog because I didn't qualify I was low on cash then I see this group of teenage girls one of them kind of got up kind of bent over trying to get something and I noticed she had a cut in a you know by uh ass cheek right near there right this is this is going and I was really thinking it's like seems to be hollowing is your cut in your back whatever right oh god damn it they all give me this really look like oh no this is better it's one of them

rent to security and I just turned around run out like remember the same time you run I think because it was I don't know but it was awkward it had a really weird energy so don't you hear how much worse it sounds right now well yeah now but I was hoping her all right so um do you man do you know how long is that scar yeah I go well they give me this really look weird look yeah yeah and then one went to a security guard and um do you remember the scene from taxi driver when uh uh Daenerys Carver uh Travis Beckel trying to kill Senator Palanting and he's talking to Secret Service yes and he's just gonna run out that's when I fucking did I ran the fuck out of there because you know in past have been accused

of things that's not true yeah how old how old were they would you guess I don't know 15 to 18 you know oh my god I wasn't bringing that before how long is that scar aren't you I gotta go but it was 200 dollars if I found the person another 200 if she finished the study so that's 400 wow that's worth it yeah so you're great I'm in that post office 200 dollars all right sorry she gets how much did she get to do the study 400 if she has the whole thing she gets I get 400 I think she gets like 2,500 oh that's oh my god yeah yeah I'm giving how many teenage girls make 2,500 yeah that's a few but not a lot that's a tricky question depends on the color of the skin all right um

funny in Texas all right do you guys ever get in trouble because I'm on your show I do worry about that sometimes our audience is the best they don't yeah there's no offended yeah no you guys don't give a shit honestly I couldn't imagine a podcast show on Sunday two shows 500 people bananas this is so funny this is a show we were talking to like our manager or something like this is a show about shitting yeah coming come and shit and it's the best I'm perfect for it yeah we all are so that opening clip was about this new product that we can't show them obviously but they can hear it and I want to know if you have ever experimented with something like this

you'll see it on the screen here okay no the screen in front of me oh sorry sorry I look too don't feel bad I was confused Asian eyes what can I say all right these realistic deep throat simulators are available in two varieties including blonde and brunette to fulfill all your fantasies so it's basically the severed head of a woman you know what it looks like have you ever been with something like that no but um those Barbie heads you used to put makeup on when you're a little girl in the 80s and but except it's got a mouth and then the eyes are like this wait and the mouth is like doing but only way I could use that I gotta punch one of their eye first and uh

right now which one is creepier that the severed head with the mouth hole that you can fuck or just the bum remember the thigh cut off oh yeah just about oh I think the asshole in the vagina I think the the head thing is definitely kind of creepier because it's the eyes yeah it's those dead fucking corpse eyes just like it's not the same thing but when I'm when I moved here first you know what really freaked me out because we never seen this thing in Japan is um I don't know if they still have it has a horse's head with a just a stick right yes I said what the fuck is what kind of country is this because where's the rest of the fucking body you know yeah and my mom said this is a poor country they can't put the whole damn thing yeah

but that really freaked me out did it really freak you out well you said is it my the only one it looks really strange I know you're talking about it's like it's a stick with a fucking the head yeah and you're supposed to pretend to ride the horse right the stick yeah this one actually fucked the mouth there's different yeah similar idea though yeah they have hair you can style a stretchy mouth to fit just about anyone he's stretching her mouth and a ribbed throat that will feel as good if not better than a real thing that's a good point there and here's the best part unlike some girls who don't know how to give head or aren't in the mood these realistic beauties know how to suck dick and will never say no

this bitch never says no because she's like she never says anything that's right that's a dream girl right there hey I kind of much prefer if they're kind of close to each other like Simon's twin yeah and and because have you ever seen the Simon's twin like I've seen one where one is really hot but other one's ugly I've never noticed that I've seen one it's like I noticed a hot one so like okay so the hot one's giving the guy blowjob and other ones maybe reading a book with that you know flipping the book yeah yeah with that tone like this you know what I mean is it just okay just me all right in addition to realistic hair each one comes with lipstick for an even more

lifelike experience yeah I liked it it feels like real life what about the cleanup on the head oh that's the next clip oh you'll find on the bottom of the neck there's a drain hole to flush oh they say they say they call it the flush your debris debris I don't know why it's called debris the good old clam childhood mouth you know I'm talking about um I'm from Seattle so I'm salty all right I made a phantom flesh which mimics the look and feel of real skin he's like it's stretchy soft and durable you can be as rough as you like or practice essential throat fucking so that you're a better lover for your girlfriend or wife sure for your girlfriend or wife that's why I got one just thought you'd like that might be a deal breaker if you find your

boyfriend's head that he's been fucking really you're like I don't know if I can continue yeah oh but it's got the drain plug you can what do you think those Chinese people making those in Beijing at the warehouse you know they're like eight-year-old slave laborers making for us children are making head fucks what are they fuckheads now you can't buy them because fucking Trump's gonna you know all right yeah he ruined this whole industry we got to make him here in America tell us about this story can I play a one-year-old story yeah I fucked a girl with no arms and uh one leg yes I did um I'm trying to I can't remember the foot you can't remember I can't that would be my story I would open every meal like you guys were here a fucking crazy story

Tommy I mean we're talking about I know you've been with a lot of women no fucking no arms and one leg and you're like was that fucking Austin or I've had girls with missing limb here and there here and there where in Eastern Europe and I'm not I'm not prejudice against my child no you shouldn't be but I thought it would I didn't know it was like you're like oh it fucking happens all the time I didn't know it was one of those wait did she have a leg I thought she didn't have any I can't remember I've had situation where I went down on a girl yeah and I'm feminist all right um and I remember going down like oh because of the taste I remember like she changed her hair so she didn't she didn't look the way I remember three four years ago

but going down at her you know it's like a fingerprint everyone have a specific flavor to them and you know like wine connoisseur but me I just you know they're like a fingerprints whatever flavor looks so you were like I remember you I don't remember her face but like Sarah like that right yeah really because women change their hair whatever like they're very deceptive right yeah like they're evil I don't do that we look the same way but the taste I'd remember yeah I remember you and you remember the amputees taste is what you're saying or but because there's been more than one but uh it's always Eastern Europe and um they have a good attitude they always have a better attitude you fucking better have a good attitude yeah I guess you kind of have to

if you're an amputee hooker yeah you're the fucking limbless bad attitude hooker yeah you should have a I don't know if I had to put a telephone book on the side because a missing limb I don't I don't I'm trying to remember how that so funny all right so wait so we were talking about because you know we've been together since since uh online dating took off do you do online anything like any Tinder profiles anything like that no never no but no um I'm kind of old fan no because you're not old-fashioned wow technology wise oh okay there's nothing about you I've only got one prostitute in states when I was underage kids like this is like I told you this people 1985 summer of 85 I got kicked out of Washington today I moved to Long Beach and there was this

yeah it's great I mean it's nice now it wasn't back in those days let's be honest but um it's nice now but um black girl but other than that all the hookers been in like Canada Mexico and Europe Brazil I don't think I've ever it's weird um where I grew up in Japan prostitution it's like normal part you know it's um we have a big hang up it's just a job to rest of the world yeah but um like I just got back from Europe remember the illegal magazine when I was talking to you guys yeah they have a secondary business called sex salons where we have a van parking a neighborhood in Denmark and this prostitute will take their John into a van fuck them and they have a chair you know if you want to get a blowjob it's right

there they have a knee pad so they don't hurt themselves there's condoms it's nice so you know we so we're we're protecting these women because um pretty what because a lot of the prostitutes street hookers again they have a high percentage of getting murdered so we were providing a safe place to do their business um I know I know some people think it's funny but last two years but I think sex works should be protected all forms I agree because otherwise women get beaten more by the pimp and they get brutalized and hooked on drugs and yeah we should just legalize because let us put yourself in a situation where maybe you didn't have a good luck and you're desperate and this is one of the a few things available to take care of your family

last thing you need is you cops harassing you and the crazy customers I'm awful protecting these women you know yeah that's for sure I think wow I got really quiet here okay anyway um so wait do you think you'd be a good you'd be a good hoe though if you were a prostitute what do you think you'd be a good prostitute no look at me but I mean what would your attitude be like like show me show me what I mean like me being prostitute yes because you know so much about it let's just role play for a second no have you ever considered it all right so much experience have you ever considered being a male escort I'm a customer I mean I buy food from restaurant doesn't mean I'm going to be a good chef for god's sake I think you'd be like let's just try it for

a second it's like when actors become directors here's the closest thing I've ever done okay when I used to work in taboo video in downtown Seattle we have you know a lot of young people don't know but they used to have these booths in the back where guys go in put a quarter right yeah we're just going at it yeah so so taboo video I used to work there and we used to get this handicap guy he's in one of those mechanical wheelchair right so he goes in so you know his disability so I gotta open the door put him in there you get a little fucking whiny like could you unzip my zipper whatever like oh god but I don't want to be a prejudice against handicap people right right so like pull it down so I don't know why handicap people are really long zippered but anyway I pull

it down pull his pants down I don't look and put a quarter and close the door right and and then I don't know 15 20 minutes later some some customers say hey I need your help whatever so I have to go in I put a glove on you know what I mean they're customers they're people too you know what handicap people deserve to have orgasm too yeah sure they deserve it yeah so like fuck I don't want to you know because all the co-workers you know I'm the rookie new kid so I have to do all the work so um so I go in it's a fucking mess right so um wait how does he begok he can't touch his penis you know could you help me like this like that and he's you know he's doing his business I close I don't want to look at it but I'm not so weird though so um

he can touch it though I guess so he could touch it but you know his hands are like this right no but what I mean I didn't do that Jesus did all right um so um yeah you try to do the zipper with your fucking craft fingers right so um so I don't know somehow he you know he jerk out with his hand one arm is shorter than the other one you know uh look like fingers roof so anyway he he does his business it's all weird right I can't I can't I can't just kick the get the fuck out of the cripple I can't do that so so I put a glove put it on sticky like that like you know then I find it and finally I put finally I'm putting him from the front door and he's mechanical he's leaving he goes thanks a lot faggot he just leave like that

that's so rude 1999 Seattle that's a true story that's fantastic all right so and the moral is that's what that's what he used to be able to call people faggot that's the real neat part of that story right it's just like the gaze now so you put his dick away for him you kind of skipped over that part a little bit um I don't know how did I do it how did it it's like pulled up the underwear but you helped him out right you know pivot the dick in the hole and like even like that and then you know put it home what's a fucking mess boy he come every I mean I gotta hand it to him that the cripples have a lot of cum yeah Jesus all right Tom so would you rather so we got okay so we have this all right you're either cleaning up the cum on the crippled

guy yeah that's your job okay or it's your life or you gotta fuck the lady's fake head and that's your only sexual outlet and every time you go out on a first date with a girl you have to be like my name's Tom and here's Susan and you gotta you gotta bring her out to dinner so it's either clean up the crippled guys yeah this exact story is your life my life right you clean up the cripple you have to put his but then I'm free to have a sexual life he freed every life but that is your job bro you do that fucking thing or I just I can go on dates but I always have to bring out the severed blowjob head and introduce her to people on a first date immediately immediately and you have to show the features the nice the do you know what type of red flag individual would be cruel

with that like not that like because some women would be like yeah that's cool you're you know but if you were like nice to meet you what should we get to eat hold on though one second I want to show you something and then you the debris comes out of the bottom of the neck and it even comes with realistic lipstick and you have to show her yeah you put lipstick on and then open I'd be a wait you would put a makeup on huh yeah yeah because it's one of the features yeah so well there you go there's your choices for life go ahead I think I'd be I'd be mopping up some jizz on some wheelchairs I think that I would be doing yeah I think so too yeah it doesn't ruin your life as much isn't that what you would do yeah of course I mean it's not a cool job I mean

how many it's 40 hours a week of cleaning come off of guys in wheelchairs and putting their penises back in their pants yeah it's not a fun job but then you get the rest of your free time and you might be actually turned on by it you don't even know it's true you don't know maybe that'd be like that maybe that's your secret wheel I've had I think I know I don't think you know I think some Christian I do think I do I've heard enough in the business like some women do like the smell of sperm and it does excite what they're lying did you hear a collective there's 500 people in here half of you women that you mean well there's not a one girl I'm sure there's one there's probably one she's not normal now but there's also yeah there's also a number of them

shaking their heads right now yeah most of us let's uh let's get out of jizz for a moment and we have a master of accent submission that I would like to play for you and you can tell me if you can decipher what this human being is saying here we go what no that's not even no right give me an accent where is it master that's fucking horrific I jiggled it outside of my pants that's what I heard I jiggled it here's a better one hold on how about this one here if you're watching on the cell in your house and it was the 42nd minute and you've still gone for that first goal would you leave and just make a brew you wouldn't but you see people leaving

coming back like pizza boxes in the main stand in it I just think where's the club gone that's fucking English right there is it I saw no that's Jamaican no you're definitely last on the fucking what are you hearing I don't know man you know what he said here's what here's what we've discovered so far on master of accents I'd like jello it can sound so like how many people know what that guy was saying do any of you you do oh bullshit one no he might know do you speak Scott is it Scottish yes you're correct thank you Highlander let's also let's point out that three people claim to know what the fuck's going on how did he do that how did he do that I don't know man I don't know how the fuck he did

that do you have like British parents did you study over there live over there there you fucking go your ears to that weird talk now here uh so here's what he actually so the clip he says if you're watching on the cell he he says if you were watching on the telly in your house and it was the 42nd minute and you're still going for that first goal would you leave and just make a brew you wouldn't now wow right now that I say it you're like the fucking matrix opened this is crazy and then he says but you see people leaving and coming back with pizza boxes in the main stand I just think where's the club gone but you see people leaving come on back like pizza

boxes in the main stand in it I just think where's the club gone wow that makes sense master of accents now wow did you were you able to put that together at all sound like Mark Warburg to me I have terrible ears that sound like Mark Wahlberg to you yeah I don't know why I want to be in your head so badly I want to watch every Mark Wahlberg movie with you well you know we have we decided we since we knew you were going to be a guest we would pull some master of accents more in your wheelhouse so wait what does that mean well I'll tell you what it means um we found some Asians in English reading in English but they have accents and I want to know if you can tell oh what what country what they're saying even I think oh I think these

are Japanese women I think yeah so this is um are they crying I think that's Japanese right all right that was pretty funny can you put together you tell me if you just listen okay some of you can understand what they're saying here we go I would be shocked if that's not a Japanese girl yeah it's just yeah it is yeah do you know what she said no but um you're going to tell you something about cook yes she says I cook an egg roll in my butthole why did you have to bring my mother into this conversation Tommy now very rude this is from 4chan this is uh people were writing to these women as they're recording the video so let's just see if you can put together so they're reading English yeah the

reading this is popping up on the screen to them okay my cook left to sound like go go zilla taking a sit wait something about Godzilla and pussy or something like that well you're close you're getting better at this it's weird how you're better at these than the other one I just had to squint really hard and I could hear it this uh she said my queeps sound like Godzilla taking a shit oh my cook left to sound like go go zilla taking a sit you know what you know what's very weird about that what she's pronouncing the way you guys say Godzilla it's in Japanese it's Godzilla but she's pronouncing the way white people were saying oh right yeah so in wait in Japan it's it's Godzilla means it's a combination of we're gorilla yeah kujira which is whale so Godzilla is

while breathing like a gorilla whale that's what a gorilla whale what about queef I've never thought of it that way it's fantastic what about queef what about queef what's the Japanese word for that uh Fukushima that's a big one make a giant little dick oh big white dick yeah can you do that again I don't yeah little yellow dick oh big white dick yeah something about gimme your dick or no it's little yellow dicks big white dicks yeah a little what I'll just skip that one hold on you know what you know what was amazing was because she was six years old oh my god hold on this one maybe you can get this one hold on

nothing something about my pussy that's all yeah you're right my pussy has more folds than my eyelids oh oh my god that's gotta be myself on a ringtone now happy holidays ladies that's so funny my pussy wait what are you finding my phone how about this one please look you are milking my meat on my yellow what something yellow what is this something yellow this is please rub your man meat on my yellow pig face oh my god

oh my god please look you are milking my meat on my yellow pig face Jesus Christ fuck man this one's weird I mean they're all weird but this one it's good it's good how about this one I'm sorry turning into a block person wait do it again do it again you might be able to get this one okay I'm sorry turning into a black person something about black yeah black pussy yeah no I'm slowly turning into a black person oh I don't know why wow committing crimes yeah oh what god damn it that's it can I fist your rice hole

did you get that one oh man I don't know I've heard rice holes before yeah can I first see a rice football wow yeah this this show went way harder than the early show you know so far you're not doing so well at this day I'm really bad with um everything no no you're not I'm disappointed I'm just kidding it's really good hey so I wanted to ask you this my rice hole with these uh with these medical experiments yes have you ever had any ill side effects at all because wait so people know I mean I thought it was clear but just in case you don't know he signs up for like the medical testing so like when a new like a new medication comes out they have to make sure you know it has certain side effects and any given time when you have

medication one time another it's been tried on animals and people and then last um it's funny next week it's five years losing my job evil angel right yeah I've done you know I make enough some money during stand up but there's some I'm low on cash so um this medical testing places look for people from Japan to try these medication and yeah last three and a half four years I don't know I've done shitload of um medical testing um the worst thing that ever happened to me is I wouldn't even say worse my shit turned into green for like two and a half months it was like green two and a half months yeah so look like a yoshi the green dinosaur coming out of my ass all right did it hurt or was it loose or was it the same

consistency no you know you know what was here because every time we get tested by a doctor they say are you experiencing any ae averse effect nobody would say anything like I don't want to be the first guy to say my because I could be the only one my shit is turning green yeah and then of course I tell them of course then everybody admit the fact that they're why do I have to be the first guy to tell you my shit is green but the worst thing was I was in group one and there was group two they're all Japanese two different medication and my room and I were reading I think I don't know if I got told you I'm maybe I'm repeating the story but I'm having breakfast three days later after um checking in the guy we checked in but he was in group two he sat next to us and I look

and he turned orange I mean he the orange spot was in circular motion everywhere his face armed legs and I asked him in Japanese like are you orange between the legs he goes height which is Japanese but yes and um and I don't want to laugh at him it's funny you know because he looked like Japanese Kool-Aid guy walking in there right here and he walks in and add insult to injury if you have ae averse effect now only do you get kicked out of the study right away you get you make less money so you kind of fuck and like I don't know what happened they just kick all those people out of there um we don't have any problem you know but that's not fair to get kicked out because of something they did well I mean they can't continue to give them drugs so they have to stop do they

get paid still uh minus the days that they didn't serve yeah oh man yeah but other than that I haven't uh had like the illegal magazine I've brought an article and uh I'll finally have a copy for the US market but it's the story that I wrote and this it's like a subculture it's really strange um there'll be times like I'll go screening for study and I was like oh I remember you you're liver cancer 2013 all right you know when you go comedy show you say something you haven't seen for a while so all these guys literally travel the country doing one medical testing after I just stayed in southern California but they travel the country doing it yeah it's like fight club except I call it stomach sports and um you literally have to have a stomach gut to do it but it's like

we're like blood brothers because we still are blood to make money right so um but there's there's a lot of the medical testing places here it's called CRO clinical research organization and they're everyone's from California you know if you if you if you if you need money you could contact yeah it's not the worst thing I guess but yeah man I got a bad bite yeah bad things can happen um that is the worst thing you could do it's true we got an email where somebody said uh I was watching the sopranos as somebody wrote um recently season one episode eight 45 minutes in the residence of a nursing home are watching a terrible stand-up comedian I've heard of road comics corporate gigs etc but I've hadn't heard of a nursing home circuit is that a real thing

matthew writes that that is definitely a real thing yeah I don't know if it's a circuit though not a circuit but you do the occasional absolutely any place that is possible to have a show they are there are shows but they're terrible like 1 p.m or noon oh yeah it's not fun to do their what's the worst gig you've had like daytime gig oh my god nudist colony uh you did a nudist colony and everyone that you want to see naked they're not naked right and people that you don't want to see naked they're really sit front and they're so confident they're sitting like this right I could see their rice holes and rice hall but those are uncomfortable nudist colony really yeah it's it's off of 10 freeway literally before you get on the 15 and I'm not making that

up I want if you give me stage time I'll fucking show up and um I've done those I've done women's prison well that sounds fun though they're very nice wait I've done a women's thing like a halfway house when they're just out of prison is that what that is yeah transitional home and I remember being like how many of you girls are married and all of them have like either had like abusive husbands or like had been put away for domestic violence and I was like oh yeah oh they're married to someone in prison as well yeah yeah I was so fucked up I felt so bad god damn it was like target am I right like I did not relate things are getting too exciting let's dial it down a notch oh we gotta bring it down hi my name is Grace Long I'm here to talk to you today

about dry ponds dry ponds are engineered grassy depressions designed to detain large volumes of storm water after rain events just wanted to play something boring for a second so I don't want to do wait no anyway do this one when you yellow when you yellow do you unzip the fly this is for the oh yeah interesting yeah yeah okay I like this question yeah this is really important so this is the uh high mommy's email right yeah my brother and I are both huge fans of the show and we're talking a while ago about our yellowing habits and thought you guys could weigh in we listened that some men at our jobs only unzip the fly of their jeans and bring their weiner through the zipper hole button and belt still fastened to yellow however my brother and I have corroborated that

we both unzip the fly and undo belt button etc then take our weiner out above the waistband of our me undies thus maximizing the distance from our dicks to zipper teeth after speaking for a little bit longer we thought it was a generational thing both me and my brother are poly by millennials and most of the men we each work with are cisgender dads but even after talking with some of my like-minded millennial friends I've noticed that some of them also pull the snake through the hole like the aforementioned cisgender dads thanks from shortlet North Carolina Nate that is a fantastic email and what an interesting discussion point thought provoking do you pull the weiner just through the zipper or do you open it and take everything that's wigging the berries

out of the top me yeah tell me I feel curious I feel like it's a fuck it feel it's like a boss move to grab everything and drop it out so yeah I like to open the whole thing and let the whole package out you know I don't just weasel this aren't you afraid of getting your penis stuck in the zipper never really think about it I don't think about that no you think about that I've done that before yeah you mean the zipper yeah yeah I mean who hasn't well I guess it's happened but not with free wait do you wear boxers or underwear um what do I wear sometimes I don't wear anything well yeah that's that's that would be the answer yeah so um so then it becomes a problem yeah and those are the times where you get scared scared well don't your pubes get caught in your

zipper too Asian people are not that hairy though that's true it's you know I would love to shave my body and cover you and all the hair oh we could probably sell that on something right yeah we patch it on you let's do it I hate I'll pay you I'll pay you medical testing rate let's do it but you have to wear his body hair yeah and you got to wear every inch of it you know you know our good friend Russell Peters right yeah he's East Indian so um he's what Indian yeah yeah he's got hair on top of his hair and he's a hairy dude right he knows I don't like body hair he'll just he'll come up and just kind of glaze this guy what are you fucking monkeys he has um

hey he's got what what do you call this area knuckles he has sorry I know rice hole but I don't know this part okay um he's got hair on knuckles that's disgusting I keep he just kind of I don't know glaze his hairy fucking hands over being like that yeah I'm not into body hair I'm really no because if I have if I see hair on my foot I'll fucking shape that shit up really yeah I don't I don't like that's disgusting so have you ever been the hairy woman because I know you've been with a lot of women see sometimes these hookers are like they deceive you because they kind of cover their body so you think oh she's not hairy and like oh my god I just I don't like hairy pussy right that's a fair thing no some of is some of is fine but you know

you don't want to look like a fucking mr. t down there right so um mr. t right so anyone all right well yeah I mean it is a matter of preference like your dad is a full bush guy because he's from yes thank you for reminding me wow I have that image my dad is a full bush guy yeah yeah he told me that once yeah that was a fucking horrible memory that I thought was gone what a great time though to be a woman like the 70s the 80s dude just full bush yeah you have to fucking wax or think about it I say we go back full bully this guy he likes it yeah yeah right dad yeah well how old how old are you sir do okay are you Hungarian oh okay be good can I do something can I do something that is my great friend Steve Holmes

the greatest German porn star oh that's him give it up to Steve is he a strong performer he is I call him the Larry bird of pornography he is I'm telling you I'm telling you too many young punks in this business these days they cheat they use medication days they put a capriciac that shit that they inject under in their dicks and stuff they're cheaters not this man I saw I met him 15 years ago in I think it was a Venus in Berlin and Barcelona erotic film festival and he was on stage live sexual fucking these women on stage I mean you think comedy stuff you're trying to fuck three girls on stage when thousand people screaming yelling at you this guy's a professional ladies and gentlemen give it up to Steve Holmes he's a he's a I love this guy

wow what he's the first one to call me and make sure I was okay when I lost my job you know because and it's not it has nothing to do with it's been German and I'm from Japan World War two it has nothing to do with uh he's a great friend so funny do you pick them I know how funny I was drawn to his and you're still working right you're still working oh yes do Germans are they big into body hair or do they do they embrace a full bush is that why you're very different I personally love to see it coming back there's more he said that he likes to see it coming back the more and more women are full bushing I agree fuck waxing it's so painful I wouldn't even wax my legs I wouldn't put that shit on my meow no way so wait do you say you're 55 55 years old and still working and

do you have any decline in your uh desires to no every same thing you're just like a 16 year old kid oh the girl stay young he said she's a star in the business as well all right he's like tom brady he just he doesn't lose anything this guy he's in the porn superbowl right here that's from my pup play I've been getting trained stand them up stand them up that's forever does anybody say it wrong completely now because of that yeah because that guy stand them all stand well I don't even know which one is right stand men that's right yeah stand in them yeah and he's all stand them all stand them up fucking asshole I can't even get it right now fuck that guy I played him twice and

I still go stamina stamina I know once it's in there I tried to correct somebody too I tried to correct somebody and I said it with confidence incorrectly like somebody said stamina I got I think you mean stand them up and then they were like I don't I think you're right wait who's right right stand them up stand them up stamina fuck lick my ass have you ever met rocko surf ready oh you know rocko yeah Steve I've worked with him at night we're good buds I had like one conversation with him all right Jesus I found them talking would you be would you be penis is so small would you be interested in having him on the show oh no I'm just gotta stay married you know I mean no you can have him on the show I talked to him too oh really okay let's

have one yeah we can have one I'll make it happen we'll have dinner with him what are you gonna send him a fucking postcard or something is he unhungry is he still married to the Hungarian lady wow you I'm telling you we talked she knows oh she knows her shit no rocko no no they're not together you're right his wife is unguaranteed she's beautiful yeah I know okay um what's going on what is your penis situation like what do you mean oh like medical tests does it affect it or okay yeah yeah is that well no no what was the question is that the question it is now oh sure yeah we weren't even gonna go there does it affect your penis no I mean I haven't I mean I'm 47 so it's not like you're 47 crazy you look great man

you look great for having you're a fucking guinea pig Jesus Christ you look great well ironically I think the medical testing forced me to keep healthy because I have to watch my weight you know and I have to walk every day and um it's quiet no but if you if you want to lose weight during medical testing it's one of the best way because I remember over the summer I was that's what I should have done 31 days I was literally losing almost pound a day because the low calorie calorie intake study and like I didn't even serve porn the whole time I was there because I was surfing for food and you know because I was thinking this is what I'm gonna eat when I get the fuck out of here first and like you know we were I'm gonna do another weight

loss contest and I'm gonna go do medical testing you know you will lose weight I mean there's no way around it I mean I a couple times almost I got teary thinking about food because I was so hungry I was you know but yeah no I understand Yoshi have you seen uh what's your latest prostitute situation where have you been somewhere on a trip lately I was in um um I was I was in Europe for illegal magazine and we were trying to help street hookers in uh Copenhagen places like that but um when I was in Amsterdam I was gonna I I was supposed to get paid but I didn't get paid before my trip so I had very little money so when I was in Amsterdam I had little money I guess I could have gone prostitute but you know I was so busy watching have you ever watched that show um

Bojack Horseman no on Netflix that I'm not kidding if you haven't seen it that shit made me cry uh I watched the whole fucking thing three four times the whole three seasons it I'm telling you three or four times uh three seasons of it I'm telling you I know if you see a horse's face you think that's stupid but you I'm telling you it's one of the greatest show ever about really addiction and living in Hollywood and dealing with uh celebrity culture and stuff no I'm telling you if you see it now it it that shit just it was such a hard thing to watch but it was well our name was just brilliant this it's a beautiful show and you should you should I'm telling you all right I didn't even get hooker oh my god seriously now look a lot of you uh have uh participated and sent in your uh

hey mommy's thanks jeans and they've been every week they get better and better it's crazy yeah we uh we we pulled a couple to play here for you because they people have been building on them so I'm gonna play uh some of the latest submissions we even had I can't show you here but we had a police officer do one which is fucking amazing that a cop in uniform pulled up in his police car and was like hi mommy and did a whole which we both got terrified when we saw the video come in we were like uh oh yeah I thought he was like all your little gene nonsense is over but it's not so let's hear what this one says hi Hitler uh just a heads up you guys have the pastrami sandwich right mommy yeah we have pastrami sandwich all right jeans um can I get a pastrami sandwich

you want anything Bert? maybe else uh let me see I'm just glassing here um no that'll be all mommy just a pastrami sandwich all right trophy a 93 thanks I love you he gave such a confident hi Hitler you know how loud he says he just came out with that Hitler yeah hi Hitler uh just like some people mask it you know they go like hey Hitler how you doing uh let me get this guy goes hi Hitler it's confident man you know it's a german guy laughing um just one second I'm just glassing um okay I know what I want proud of myself um can I have a venti chai please with uh two splandas and a double pipe classic and a little bit of what uh extra shadow espresso

and are we having any breakfast today uh no I don't want to be fat like Bert um thank you mommy off that that's all I need okay so a single venti chai with two splandas will be five six jeans thank you amazing so good yes that's amazing uh we were at islands dining on their fine burgers today at the mall we both got diarrhea and on our way out well to be fair I started the day with diarrhea yeah who fucking does that who starts the day and then goes let's eat at islands for fucking lunch it was not my suggestion that was your idea then we get here and she's like I want the hummus from the play and I go do you know what's gonna happen to your insides right now that's so stupid yeah oh fuck anyway

on the way out of islands one of the waiters goes uh thanks jeans yeah that's so cool yeah yeah he was like thanks like he said it over yeah like when I go by Hitler yeah I'm super nice hi mommy thanks jeans um we had this one other I love the dad boner clips you know and um these are the best this is a rocket dad he sees a like a rocket like a one you know one of those yeah we said like there's whale dad boner and there's uh what is the other the super other obviously the train guy yeah the foamer boner there's a moose hunter boner this guy sees a like a little toy rocket being shot that's a fucking dad boner right there can you play the glassing guy the glad what here is I thought that was the original one I like that

um okay the original guy this guy glass yeah just glassing yeah I don't know his whole thing is I don't know what's that yeah we're over there I'm so loose he gets so fucking excited hard fucking I don't know where that guy is um all right we uh we have to wrap this show up um play that one what one you're doing that last night because I was just going through this board oh okay then don't play that he's a different one what do you mean to play I don't know that's uh ice JJ fish right there yeah there's a tired yeah classics it's classic yeah uh let's see this should be easy yeah that's a good one and there's Yoshi like a son to me man like a son to me

all right I don't know the ultimate dad left okay it's like I like that one that's when a dad gets real excited and his face hits all the buttons on the phone one of my favorites is that you want to talk some shit that's amazing oh yeah you want to talk some shit I'm gonna talk a little bit about the white tigers practices nobody got time for that oh my gosh we're going deep ready yes all right um jeans thank you very much for coming to this live show we had a blast doing it first of all how about a round of applause for our guest Yoshi Obayashi hey guys love doing your shows I mean you guys have always been good

to me we've been really good to me you're the best he's absolutely one of our favorite big words and um and no seriously we always have a great time with you thank you for doing it you guys though uh who are who we owe a huge thanks to for for listening to the show every week for coming out to events like this these this show tonight and the earlier show will both be um downloadable episodes but it's it's you guys that make it possible so thank you guys very much thank you guys thank you so much have a wonderful night uh maybe we'll see some of you on the way out have a great night thank you for making that she that's fantastic good night good night good night good night thank you guys

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