Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Make America Laugh Again w/ David Lucas | Your Mom's House Ep. 756

Episode Date: April 24, 2024

SPONSORS: - Download DoorDash and use code YMH24 to get 25% off your next alcohol order of $35 or more, up to $15 off max value. For eligible users only. Terms apply. For eligible users only. Terms apply. Must be 21+ to order alcohol. Drink responsibly. Delivery and promotions available only in select markets. - Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/mom or through my promo code MOM. - Head to https://www.squarespace.com/MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code MOM It’s another episode of YMH with Todd and Kristine! This week, Tom Segura and Christina P have Kate Moss on the brain and open up with a deep dive on the world famous model's personal life. They then open the show for real with a clip of a very cool guy introducing us to a very cool game he likes to play! Tom and Christina then go into gross things they don't like in the opposite sex and personal dealbreakers they each have. Comedian David Lucas joins the Main Mommies and he recently dropped a new comedy special Live From The Comedy Mothership. He's become a polarizing figure recently as well, stemming from material poking fun at BLM and George Floyd. But David embraces the controversy and believes that jokes and humor can help with grief rather than hurt. The man's got some interesting opinions for sure. Tom and Christina show David some clips featuring a really cool guy's favorite game, modern dating, and scatting (not what you think). They chat about Kevin Samuels, things missed in LA, and jump into some of Christina's curations! Try it out. https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinaponline.com/tour-dates https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Your Mom’s House Ep. 756 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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How much time do you spend at the mall? No go ahead, he was asking you. No I can't say it. He was asking you. I don't say it, I say it all day and friends. Any, how much time you spend at the mall? Oh all day nigga. Yay. okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. And where do you source your new songs from, Eni? I source my new songs from my old life in early 2000s.

These are all old songs. Oh. Yeah, they're not new. Oh, to me, they're new to me, buddy. Yeah, for sure. For sure, for sure. For sure, for sure. For sure.

Do you know that when I smile, my eyes totally disappear? Let's see it. Look, because my eyelids are so droopy now. You look like an old Korean lady. Yeah, do you know that when I am I smile my eyes totally disappear. See ya look Cuz my eyelids are so droopy old Korean lady. I do I totally do. Thank you Cuz I was looking at a thumbnail from an episode like a recent one. Which one was it? I just told you I look terrible and I'm shiny. I think it was the ditty one You're really in this like self-flaw you can get anything about the the eye I can't cuz I can't even ten times a week now. You're like my eyes I'm really in this self-flawing thing about the eye. You do this.

I can't, because I can't even see. But you do it 10 times a week now. You're like, my eyes are. Do you wanna know why? Can't see through my eyes. Because my Smurf Day is coming up. Look, I can, look. And when I smile, my eyes just disappear now.

Yeah, you look like Renee Zellweger, yeah. Yeah. Hey, I thought you said she was beautiful. Who said I... Didn't you meet her? No, it was a different lady. I didn't meet her. It was a different lady.

Yeah, I need to get those... Gosh, my eyes look so open and blue and bright. That's what I'm saying. How come he gets to have open eyes? And then here's you. Yeah, I'm turning Japanese. That's terrible. I look like a fucking...

I look like I have the perfect smile in though The perfect smile what's going on isn't the dog DJ who's this guy? What's going on there It looked like a Chris gained 200 pounds It does Okay, well yeah, so you can get your bluffs done or what I am I'm gonna do it I'm going for my consultation in LA bluffs just the uppers. I'm not gonna do lowers They're just gonna trim my eyelids you gotta get your eyelids trimmed when you're old. Yeah, so I'm doing that

I'm still in the Ozempies, which is exciting Are you eating through them? Yeah, so what happened was that first week when I was on 50, I was like, dude, I take like two bites and I'm full. It's great. Yeah, I remember. So much weight gone. And then I went back down to like 10,

eating right fucking through it. Like I'm standing at the fridge now, eating blocks of cheese. Jesus. Like I can't control it. This is emotional eating though. For sure, this is why I'm still overweight, is I eat emotionally. I always want to eat.

So I figured the right dosage for me is one where I just feel ill all day. And like the- No. Yeah, and then the reward centers of my brain are shut off for food. It's when you don't even think about food. Like when I was on that 50, it was like, I wasn't even thinking about food. I just couldn't think about food It was great. I was sick energy was depleted. Oh for sure. Okay, so that's not a good system

I mean I was laying down a lot. I was resting just losing weight. My body was eating the doughnuts. I Ten years ago. Look at that bug. It's attracted to you. I know I hate it. I fucking hate it, too Yeah, so I don't think that's a good idea. What? To do too many Ozampes and to try to shut off your entire reward mechanism for eating anything. I don't think that's a good idea. But that's how you look better.

Yeah, that's true. What is that expression? Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Kate Moss, the legendary Kate Moss from the 90s, who still looks fabulous, by the way. Yeah, she's like 60 or something now. Yeah, can you bring up Kate Moss? Well, she has, she is aged.

She's aged, I mean normal, right? She's weathered. Well, don't bring up the cigarette photo, but she's still a queen. Oh, she looks great. Come on. I do not feel 50, she's only 50, okay. See, the bitch is, I do not feel 50. She's only 50. Okay. See the bitches. I'm 47 so

You think she can still get it? Of course. She still gets it. Who's giving it to her? Who's she married? Whatever she wants. I don't know. She's Kate Moss Who's giving it to Kate Moss? Will you see because here's the deal I got my Ozempis up to 15 my dosage and I and I ate a yogurt this morning, and now I feel sick, and that's how I know I'm losing weight. She's been in a relationship with German aristocrat, photographer, Count Nikolai von Bismarck. What?

Oh, God, Bismarck? He's a Bismarck? Yeah, he's a count. Oh my God, he's so young looking. He's very young. Count Nikolai von Bismarck. His shoulders are so high, he has no muscles in them. He doesn't power clean like your boy Tom.

Dude, what does it count? Like how do you even meet? Who is Kate Moss's blood sucking boy toy? That's what this article says. Jesus. Dude, he's like 12. My man shrugs all day. Look at these shoulders bro.

Like fucking pull him down. I do that though too. He's just high strung. He's got anxiety. Dude, he's so like a count. How the fuck? What does that even mean? 13 years her junior.

Yeah. He's 37 while she's 50. I bet she had her upper bluffs done. Yeah, good. Good for Kate. Like what do counts even do? I don't fuck, I don't understand. I mean, we're, this is it here, hold on.

He's just, he's just got family money. That's what that is, right? That's what that usually is. Just generations of wealth. Generational wealth. Yeah, he looks tired and lazy. I crashed a Bentley and they're like, get out of here. We'll take care of it.

Nikolai von Bismarck. He's related to Otto von Bismarck. Otto was the significant German statesman and chancellor. Otto was granted the title of Prince of Bismarck in 1871. Interesting, the city of Bismarck, in 1871. Interesting, the city of Bismarck, North Dakota, United States was named after him. Oh my gosh. He's a photographer. Maybe that's how they met.

Oh, so he actually does stuff for a living. Yeah, maybe he actually, he was like, hey, you look like my aunt. And then she was like, I could be, I'm way older than you. 13 years. And then, is that it? It's not that bad, is 13 years that bad, your 50. And then. It's not that bad. Is 13 years that bad?

You're 50. No, it's not that bad. No, he's an adult. He goes on a trip to Kenya. He's a good photographer. He's a good handsome man. He's a little fey for my tastes. He looks like he's very boyish to me.

I'm not into boyishness. He is very boyish. Right. I'm not into boyishness. He is very boyish, right? Yeah, just very You know your house links to the British royal family, right? His posture is just abhorrent. It is Mmm as a count Nikolai is well connected to other aristocrats No wonder then Princess Beatrice, he knows members of the British royal family He's pals with Princess Beat Beatrice. Eugenie and Princess. Beatrice. I'm fucking, you said it seven times.

You're not saying it though. I'm waiting for you. Well because you keep saying it. Because you're not saying it. You got Beatrice. That's Fergie's daughter. As I'm reading you're like Beatrice, Beatrice. Yeah, because she's cute.

There's Beatrice right there. I like Beatrice. Because she's, it's exciting. I wanna be friends with them. Why would you wanna be friends with fucking that, oh, Beatrice. No, I don't know. No.

No. He's a Liverpool fan. That's true, they're boring. Go. Why would you want to be friends with fucking that Beatrice? He's a Liverpool fan they're boring go Let's see anything else about him All right, finally scroll down one more. How the fuck did these two meet? He looks handsome there Various sources they've known each other for years before they started dating around 2015 da da da. The Count's mom, who's 64, is almost as close in age to Moss as Moss's, the Debbie's son, goes way back.

I first assumed the models, da da da, but didn't even say how they fucking met. Oh, God. Okay. Well, there's that. How the fuck did we end up on Kate and Moss? I don't know. We're talking about being thin. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, let's, we've talked so did we end up on K-Dramas? I don't know. We're talking about being thin. Oh yeah.

All right. Well, let's, we've talked so long, we forgot to open the show. Oh. Let's open the show. Here we go. Hey baby, it's time to play your favorite game. How wet can I get the pussy?

Okay. Ready to play how wet can I get the pussy, baby? You probably wanna play, how many times can I make you come on? That pussy come Probably don't play how where can I get the pussy? Let's play how many times I make you come Who's right don't bring anyone

Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pagetzi. Christina Pagetzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Meow, meow. I hate it so much. Women generally don't, we don't like that kind of stuff. I don't know. Let's play how many times I'm gonna make you cum.

Stop. Stop. You don't wanna play that game? No, I don't wanna play it. Let's play that game. I don't wanna play that game. I thought we were gonna play this game. You don't wanna play how I can get the pussy?

Stop. I don't like those games. Why isn't that a game that you find appealing? You know, sometimes you're at a friend's house, maybe you're at a park and you don't want to take off from the party but you guys need some booze to drink. No matter the occasion, if drinks are called for, DoorDash has you covered. You don't have to take off. You can order your alcohol with DoorDash today and drink in the savings. Use code YMH24 to get 25% off up to $15 value on a $35 minimum subtotal on your next alcohol order for eligible users only. The alcohol selection on DoorDash is top shelf with thousands of stores all over the country. You're sure to find what you're looking

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It's just girls don't really enjoy that type of, I mean certain girls do but not this one right here. Alright. I don't like that. I don't know why you don't like that. Most chicks like to play games and they like to have fun you know. I thought you like to have fun. Ready to play hot wet can I get the pussy baby? I'm gonna fucking puke. I don't like it. You know what I really hate too is like he he's, I don't wanna say it. Say it, say it. I don't like his stucco ceiling, it reminds me of like,

Yeah, no, his place sucks. Yeah, his place sucks. It's different if he were in like a nice place and you're like, well, maybe, I mean, is this guy. And then if you're like, is it Henry Cavill? What if he was like, let's play How Wet I Can Get the Pussy. But he wanna say it aggressively. Oh. Say it like Henry Cavill? What if he was like, let's play how well I can get the pussy? But he wanna say it aggressively. Oh.

Say it like Henry Cavill. Darling. Darling. Yeah, that's different. She'd like to play a game before. Right. Lie down this evening. Right.

How does a game play? What's the game that we'd like to play together? I believe it's... Even then, it's still gross. I don't like it. Wet. Could you get between your legs? I'm gonna take these out of my ears

You didn't want to play Perhaps see now you tell me it's a stop now. He sounds like a gay Lord. Can I make you come? Shiver and shut stop It's so gross I don't know cuz if if you reverse it, if you're like, hey you wanna play How Hard Can I Get Your Cock? I'd be like, yeah let's do it, sign me up. Yeah because you're a boy.

Yeah I know. Girls don't want this. Girls do want it. This is how guys talk to other guys. No I don't believe it. This is not how guys talk to women. I don't believe it, I think that women want it. Yeah, well we can ask the ladies in here.

I mean, I don't think Heather is gonna respond to this or Nayana. I think they're both turned on right now. That's why they're not walking in. You think they're in the, like, watching this feed. I think they're in another room. They're like, whew. Yeah. I think a lot of women listening right now are turned on. They're like, shit, yeah, I wish somebody would call me to play. How wet can I get?

I mean, yeah, there's girls that are into this. Yeah, I know. It's not, it's not like... Fuck, we talked to one last episode. You know? I know. That's why I keep, that's girls that are into this. Yeah, I know. It's just, it's not. It's not like. We talked to one last episode, you know? I know. That's why I keep, that's why I'm stopping myself cause I'm like, cause I'm like Abby might have liked this offer.

Maybe, maybe. Just for me, it gives me a little creep vibe, you know? Whatever. It's a little aggressive. May 8th. Now I'm totally shut down. I'm just totally shut down. Terrible. May 8th. Now I'm totally shut down. I'm just totally shut down. It's terrible.

May 8th. Christina will be in Los Angeles. She needed a nap. You already sold out one show at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever. So low energy. What? Really eating. May 8th.

You added a late show at the Masonic Lodge at Hollywood Forever. It's part of the Netflix is a Joke Festival. You can get tickets at christinaponline.com. That is May 8th. Fucking 20th. And then August 16th and 17th, you're in Orlando, Florida. Orlando.

At the Funny Bone. Is there a Funny Bone in Orlando? Holy shit. I think you're right. I think it's not a funny bone. I mean, there's always been an improv there. I think it's the- Hit the ticket link. There's no way there's a funny bone.

I mean, it'd be a new one. Oh my god. No, it is! What? There's a funny bone in Orlando? Yeah, I always did the improv. Alright. Maybe they... ...b bought it? Maybe, formerly the Orlando Improv.

Yeah, okay. Okay, we're not crazy. We're not crazy. That just shows that we are actually paying attention. Oh no. Yeah. You think Princess Beatrice wants to go to it? Oh, fuck her.

So, I will be May 9th, the next day in Los Angeles at the Kia Forum during the Netflix is a Joke Fest. I will be May 9th, the next day in Los Angeles at the Kia Forum during the Netflix is a Joke Fest. And guess what? What? I can't tell you what it is. I can tell the boys here what it is. But I have a special surprise guest. That I can't say who it is,

but is a special surprise guest. So if you're in Los Angeles and May 9th, you are free, come to my show at the Forum, and I guarantee my show will start way different than anybody else's show will. Wow. May 10th, I'm in San Jose at the SAP Center. 7th, excuse me, June 7th, I'm in Kansas City,

Missouri at the Starlight Theater, June 8th, Camdenton, Missouri at the Ozarks Amphitheater, June 12th, Wilkes-Barre EPA at Mohegan Sun Arena at Casey Plaza, and June 15th in Banger, Maine at Cross Insurance Arena. That's three days before my Smurf day. I know, and then we get out for a little while we do Hey, is there anything a woman can say to you that would gross you out?

sexually Sexually like it what's what's okay, and he's shaking his head. No, no How about this? I Have an outbreak of herpes Would that deter you? Yeah, would that would be it the only peener shrinker? I mean, that's a peener shrinker depends how hot she is Is that the only sentence that will deter well, okay

Are we talking about just in general thing or or are we talking about like a lifelong, like what I don't like, or are we talking about specifically something you could say? Let's do both. Yeah, I mean, herpy outbreak is not gonna work for me for sure. Sure. I don't care. I'd be like, bitch, to anyone, get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, bitch, get the fuck out of here. It's real sympathetic. You don't think you'd be like, oh, okay, well, maybe call me in a couple of weeks. No, fuck off. When it's cleared up. No, get out of here. Fuck off.

Fuck right off, you and your herpes. Yeah, cool. Ah. What a jerk. I know. Gosh. I like it. So many people have that, it's not a big deal. Yeah, it. So many people have that, it's not a big deal.

Yeah, it's not, it's not a big deal. I don't think it's a big deal. No. But I'd still be like, it's the fuck out of here, you stupid bitch. Yeah, cool. So. So.

Fuck out of here. You know, I never really liked, it's funny, because you have your idea of what you think you like. Yeah. I don't like when you meet somebody and she's overtly sexual out of the gate. Yeah. I don't like it. Like you like. I don't like when you meet somebody and she's overtly sexual out of the gate. I don't like it.

I never responded well to it. Meaning like the very first meeting and she's like, ooh, you got pretty lips, I wanna put lips on my pussy. If she's like overtly putting it out there, like I don't like, let's just fuck, I'm like. That's kinda weird. Yeah, I actually don't like it.

I think if there's a fantasy that you like it, I don't like it. I never if there's a fantasy that you like it, I don't like it. I never did. Yeah. I like to talk first. Courtship. Yeah, something, Jesus. Let's have some kind of connection, yeah.

Yeah, well, I don't blame you. Yeah. Okay. Unless she's a fucking straight up fucking ho bag, then you're just like, who cares? Yeah, but you've had that. Yeah. And that didn't stop you.

It wasn't exciting though. I didn't like it. It's interesting, you know, like, who cares? Yeah, but you've had that. Yeah. And that didn't stop you. It wasn't exciting though. I didn't like it. It's interesting. You know, like if it's too easy. Yeah, I like it. I like there to be some build towards it. A challenge. Un challenge.

Un challenge and then also some type of, I like there to be real attraction and the only way I'm gonna have that, there has to be like, I like intelligence, I like something emotional. You know? It's such a fine dance, isn't it? It is because you think when you're horny,

you're like, oh, I'll take anything. But that's like in the state of horniness. Usually you're not just like around people where someone's like, do you need your dick sucked? That's not how it usually works. Right. Yeah, that's usually the opposite of what happens when you're in that state, I imagine you repel. Yeah. That's just how it is. That's just how it usually works. Right. Yeah, that's usually the opposite of what happens when you're in that state, I imagine, you repel.

Yeah. That's just how it is. That's just how it is. Your energy will just repel everything you want. Yeah, everyone's like, God. What's wrong with you? What's up with this serial killer? Yeah.

Well, girls especially, we know. You sense it? Of course. Whose dick hasn't been touched in forever. You can sense when a guy's like a total virgin too. Cause you want calm energy, right? You want competent, calm energy. Yeah.

Or like when a guy's too desperate or. Desperation is the worst. But the worst energy in my opinion is like inexperienced energy, like virginal. And lack of. Christian energy or something. Yeah, lack of confidence. You're like tentative energy is the gross. Just go for it. I can't do it. virginal and lack Christian lack of confidence

Energy is the gross I can't do it. I can't do tentative All right. Yeah What about humor? I feel like humor for me would be like a like if they laugh at something that's fucking stupid Like, you know, whatever yeah family show and it's like the easiest humor ever and they're like or some family show and it's like the easiest humor ever and they're like, oh, I'd be like, oh no. That's a turn off. That was a big turn off. Yeah, when you're on a date and the girl laughs at dumb shit or insists on showing you what's funny.

And you're like, yeah. I asked you what you like. One of the hottest girls I've ever been with, we were, she was like, I wanna watch a movie and it was idiocracy. That was like one of my favorite So that's me. Yeah. Yeah, so I was like like pretending. I haven't seen I'm like, yeah sure I'll watch you with you whatever and there was like a part where this big monster truck was coming out of a Door or something like into a coliseum and it was obviously way too big to fit So it was like smashing through the you know the wall or whatever it's like kind of a silly stupid moment and she's watching

it I'm this is the hottest girl like in my life at this point and she's sitting there watching it and she's like oh my god that's not gonna fit in there and I'm like oh no like it's all over all of. All of that is gone now. It's all gone. She's retarded. You just fucking stupid. It's a mood killer. Yeah, if she laughs at something like that

and thinks that's funny. That's horrible. That's your, oh boy. Like she's putting together, yeah, that's bad. Yeah, that was rough. That's bad. Like I feel bad for saying it. Like if she ever hears this.

I know. I'll she ever hears this, she's gonna know. I'll tell you what I, what found a turn off was when a guy told me he doesn't have a passport. Oh, really? When we were adults. I'm like, you don't have a passport? And like, no, and no desire to get one. It's like, well.

I don't wanna travel. That means I'm not curious basically. Yeah, and I'm not into adventure or I can't be spontaneous. I don't wanna travel. That means I'm not curious basically. Yeah. And I'm not into adventure or I can't be spontaneous. I can't do that. Like I'm, I can't do that with you. Like I'm a foreigner, you know what I mean? Like I guess maybe because I'm a foreigner. So I'm like, you should be aware of the world.

I find it to be such a turnoff when Americans don't know more than just like. Or anyone from any country. Yeah, for sure. Like you're not interested in traveling I mean you're not curious that and I have like yeah, so there's these are my two deal-breakers Yeah, I don't have a passport and I don't want one. I don't want one's big. That's a problem And I don't like sushi. I don't eat sushi. I

Don't I can't get along with you. Yeah, if you're that person I know I kind of shut down to when somebody's right like really and they're like, it's wrong. I'm like, you know shit Yeah, that's the fun. You might die. You might not you might throw up You might not every time I eat it I get nervous cuz I'm puke phobic she's like is less of a thing than somebody who just Goes like I don't like really anything but like, you know steaks and fries like, I don't like really anything, but like, you know, steaks and fries. Like, you know, like.

Yeah, like toddler food. Yeah, yeah. If they start eating like that, I'm like, whoa, okay. Like if it's a dude, I don't wanna hang out with him. And if it was a girl, I was like, yeah, I don't wanna. That's bad. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform

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where we were like, we saw him after a few weeks of studying abroad and we're all living in Madrid. Like one of the, it's one of the world's great cities and you know, I don't know, if you're not aware, look up Spanish cuisine, like it's pretty fantastic. It's pretty great. Yeah, I mean, it's, people travel to eat there

and we're like, how's it going? He's like, I mean, it's all going pretty well except for this fucking food. I'm like, what? And he goes, yeah, I can't eat. I'm like, what are you talking about? He goes, we just go to Burger King every day. Oh no, that's not even the best one.

I'm like, you go to Burger King? He's like, yeah, I can't eat this food. And I'm like, fuck. And I didn't talk to him again. Yeah. Like, yeah. I was just like, I don't I didn't talk to him again. Yeah. I was just like, I don't want to be friends with this dude. You can't be friends with that dude. That's not a person that you share a world view with.

Exactly. We're just too diametrically opposed to each other. Our cores are different. Yeah. It's like you're just a different type of person. It's like a cat person and a dog person. Yeah, I would say even worse. I think it's like a fucking-

They're all cat boys in the booth. A dog person and a fucking spider person. Like, I just, I don't, no, I don't wanna hang out. I don't wanna hang out, and I don't wanna watch you order shitty things. And also, he didn't say it with any sense of awareness, you know? He was just like... It was so sincere that I was like, oh, he's in another dimension.

Yeah, you don't share reality. It was really bad here. And I was like, okay. There was a girl on the apps that said she had never in her life read a book. I was like, what are you talking about? How is that possible? Yeah, I was gonna say that. I feel like today people are very open and confident and saying, oh, I don't read. Yeah, I've heard that.

I've heard that too. I know it's probably not the most popular hobby right now is reading, but don't own it. But it's a boast? Yeah. You should be embarrassed. Why are people so into sharing that they don't read? I think it's similar to being like, oh, I don't want to get a passport

It's like you're just kind of comfortable being kind of close-minded. Yeah cool for school Yeah, you're taking the embarrassment of it and pretending like oh, right. I'm stoked about it's like nah you want to though It's like people that are proud to be fat. Yeah, I'm a Disney adult I'm gonna own this awful shameful thing. Yeah, you should be ashamed and you're gonna walk to this place And if you're a 5x you could fit fine You can flip fine over they booth and they will give you a chair if you want with arms on it Do you know that I even don't like it when people order things well done? Yeah.

Like if you order a steak well done, I'm like, come on, dude. Well, cause it's- Don't be a chicken. The thing is, is that it's a tell. Take the risk. The person's revealing something. That's what it is.

When somebody says, I want this well done beef, you go like, oh, like you don't know how to eat this. Yeah. You're telling everybody that I don't have any type of palate for what this is. So you might as well order something else. You could chew on rubber from the fucking parking lot. Well yeah, because like the meat flavor lives in a certain bandwidth, right?

And it's usually between like pretty rare to kind of medium. So you retain what the flavor of that meat is. Once you go over that, once you start getting into well done, very well done, you lose what it is that meat tastes like. So if you go, I want it like that, it's like, oh, you don't like meat. Right, then don't eat the meat. Don't waste right the donate the money on it yeah yeah I get that get

fettuccine Alfredo or whatever I know it's so we're some toast or something man you know once you see toast for dinner does ejaculation break your fast oh what guys have been the orgasm and they ejaculate, does it break your fast? Well there are different situations. First and foremost, masturbation. If you masturbate and you ejaculate because of it, your fast is broken because masturbation is an intentional act that you're supposed to not do. It's haram outside Ramadan and definitely during Ramadan you're not allowed to do it. Okay, what about if you ejaculate as a result of a wet dream?

That's fine because it wasn't intentional. What about if you ejaculate due to thoughts that came to your mind or you saw something unintentionally and as a result of it you lost control of yourself and you ejaculated. Again it's not a problem if it wasn't intentional but if you're intentionally bringing these thoughts to your mind or intentionally looking at things that you shouldn't and you came and ejaculated as a result of it then that is something that will break your fast. It's good you know first of all I've never looked at something and then been like oh god I'm gonna come. It doesn't really work like that so I think whoever's telling you that has lied

to you. The final thing is what about intercourse and intimacy? A lot of people think that if they enter inside of their wife during intercourse but they don't ejaculate then the fast hasn't broken. No for intercourse it's not about ejaculation. The main man's private part entering inside the woman's private part is enough to break the fast. Even if only the head, if up to the head of the male's private part enters inside of her, the fast is broken. Guys, do not break your fast through these dumb things like masturbation and whatnot. The one who breaks his fast, Ibn Abdahabi said,

is worse than a person who does zina, fornicates. It's worse than a thief. It's worse than a person who drinks alcohol or by other standards takes drugs. It's worse than all of that. It's a major sin. May Allah bless you. Protect your fast. Damn.

Protect your fast. It's Ramadan. Yeah. That's crazy. Wow. Did I send you that clip, Dr. Solo? That means that people, I love that dudes are like, okay, so here's, check this shit out, right?

I just put the head in the other day. And I'm like, still good? Yeah. They're like, no, dude. Always looking for technicalities. The Catholics do the same. I don't know, man, I didn't know. Yeah.

Well, let's maybe. I didn't know, I did not know that you can't ejaculate during Ramadan. I didn't know either. During the daytime out. But he's just talking about the daytime because when you break the fast at sundown, you have your dinner and you can come after dinner.

I guess. We didn't get into all that. Yeah, don't break your fast, he said. So the fasting was just a daylight hour. So that's in the window. So you're basically, like, you're being celibate, you're fasting, you're restricting yourself, abstaining on all those things.

So you should come and eat breakfast at like 5 a.m. and then you're good for the day. Yeah. And then that's it. You gotta wake up your broad early. Hey for the day. Yeah. And then that's it. Gotta wake up your broad early. Hey, wake up. Yeah. I gotta get this out. Yeah, Allah wants you to bust your nuts before.

And she's like, I'm fucking half asleep. Like, I don't even need you to be awake. Just lay there. Yeah. So this will help cleanse the palate. Here we go. I'm gonna scanat. No! I don't know if you know what that is. I don't know how to explain it.

So... Sorry. Please. So I'm just gonna... Okay. Go ahead. Ba da ba da ba da. Ba da ba da ba da ba da. Ba da ba da ba da. So I must be nervous because I'm on a camera. But a butter butter butter butter butter butter butter butter butter butter So I must be nervous because I'm on a camera yeah, I'll do that again. Okay. Okay one more time. Here we go You can edit videos videos. I like this song. Somebody's got to remix this.

Hey, I didn't think- Hey, Moral Myth, you killed that shit. You were all bobbing our heads here. You could scat, girl. That was dope. I didn't think I would like it. Ba ba ba ba, da da da da, ba da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da So I thought scat was only skibbity boop boop like jazz scat. I didn't know that. I mean that's just one lane, there's so many different places you can go with this. You know what we need to do? What?

You and I need to release a scat album. Oh, that's cool. All scat. I mean we had recorded the Meow Mix, remember the Meow Mix? Of course. And we held on to that. I got it. I got it. So Tom and I went into a sound booth and

The Sarah Burns Sarah Burns the great actor. Mm-hmm about a decade ago more more and we spent money Yeah to meow Song yeah, and the engineer was like the fuck is going on. I mean we walked out of there and he was like I don't know what you're doing. We were like take it from the top. Meow meow meow. We did careless whisper as careless whisker. Meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I forgot about the album. We'll put both those albums out. They deserve to be out. Oh yeah, I'll find the Meow Mix. It's somewhere, gosh. It is somewhere. Ba da da da. Ba da da da. Ba da da da.

Yeah. Please somebody make that into a song. Ba da da da. Ba da da da. Ba da da da. Ba da da da. Ba da da da. Ba da da da.

Ba da da da. Ba da da da. Ba da da da. Ba da da da. Ba da da da. Ba da da da. All right, let's take a quick break. It's like Machines Within, you know?

Machines Within, oh, that's a good mashup. That's what I, ah, Machines Within. Yeah, I think it's talent. All right. All the collabs, man. All the collabs. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. And we are back and joining us for the first time,

it's crazy to me this is for the first time. You can see his new special Uncancelable live from the Comedy Mothership is out now on YouTube. It's David Lucas everybody. David, David. Thanks for coming in man. Of course man. This is very exciting.

Of course, so exciting. We've been big fans of yours since we met you, honestly. That's crazy, I've been a fan of Fat Tom. And that's who I wanna be one day. I want people to remember the Fat Me. And I was like, oh, that's the in shape David. Bring back Fat David. Fat David was so much funnier.

Yeah, he's funnier, more relatable. I know how that goes. No, but I remember meeting you, I met you here, right? I met you in Austin. I think that's where we met. I met you at the Vulcan, I remember. Vulcan on Kilton. Right, that was before the club was built.

So it's been a few years, but you're one of my favorite guys to watch. And I'll tell you why, and this is genuinely true, is that I think the thing that's most fun about whether you're watching a movie, reading a book, or watching someone do standup, it's always the element of surprise. The best things when you watch standup are,

oh, I didn't see that coming, and you do that all the time. And it's like, I could tell you my act right now And and if I was starting it you'd be like ah yeah Yeah, and then the one where you're like I didn't see that cuz that's what's exciting You know it's it's fun to be surprised and you you're full of surprises. Yeah, man. It's uh I Embrace controversy yeah, you do especially after this George Floyd thing uh-huh. Yeah, I embrace it now. Well, give people some background because some people who will be listening or watching won't know what those. On me? Yeah, or just your reference of that,

the George Floyd thing. Oh, so I was doing a show at the Kansas City Funny Bone. There was a heckler that they wouldn't kick out for 40 minutes. Isn't that fun? So I told him, he was black, I invited him on stage, I said, come on bro, it's been 30 minutes, come on stage. At this point, just bring your ass on stage. Wouldn't come on stage, so I said,

you're showing all these good white people why George Floyd got his neck nailed down. Shhh, shh, shh, shh. I take it there, Tom. Yeah, I know you do, I know you do. So the groans happen, oh, hold on, I know you do, I know you do. So the groans happen. Oh, I'm like, I'm just kidding. I would've never kneeled on George Floyd's neck.

I would've shot him. And then people are like, oh hell, that's when some of the older black people are like, oh hell no, man, we getting the fuck out of here. They got out of there. So I'm like this, if the ship is sinking, I'm gonna sink this bitch faster. I think that's a natural instinct. So I went on to say, I'm gonna sink this bitch faster. I think that's a natural instinct.

So I went on to say, I like Kyle Rittenhouse too, you wanna hear them jokes? And then later on I said, oh yeah, and for all you people leaving, I'm doing a show next week for the Klan for 30,000, so who gives a fuck about your $35 ticket? I was just going in. Yeah, you went in, yeah.

But, you know, a person who I thought was like a big brother to me, D.O. Huguely, posted that video, and he like clipped it all up to make it seem very, very bad. Yeah. And that's when the world lost their fucking mind. And he posted it, and like he detached himself away from me.

All you guys text me, checked on me, it's like goddamn the person, like one of the first people I used to watch doing comedy because I remember D.O. Hugley from the first Prince Soul is now detaching himself away from me and even went on his radio show and act like he didn't know me when when I was in Philly he asked me to come on the road with him. Oh wow. Right. And I'm like what I was like that hurt a he asked me to come on the road with him. Oh wow. Right. And I'm like, what, I was like, that hurt a lot. You know what I'm saying?

If anybody I look up to, like I look up to y'all, you know what I'm saying? I look up to Rogan, like if anybody would have detached themselves away from me. Yeah. Like, you know, the- It hurts. Yeah, it hurts.

Well, because we all, I mean, also, like we all get in these things, like in, part of like live performing, is that you're gonna end up, everyone's gonna end up saying something that, you could say label it whatever you want. You either go it's inflammatory or it's regrettable or it's over the line, whatever it is,

but you have these happen in live moments. I was telling, I did Bottom of the Barrel last night, and somebody, one of the things I pulled I was telling, I did Bottom of the Barrel last night and somebody, one of the things I pulled out was like, what's the most awkward moment you've had on stage? So I was like, awkward, Jesus. And I told a story about like just going in on these two hecklers one time, these chicks, and one was drunk and I called her a pig and like the whole fucking room fell apart. And it was, and then she fell over the table. But like, yeah.

But like if, you know, there's people who are at that show who I'm sure were like, this guy is a horrible person, right? And they hate me. But if other comedians like bail on you for these moments, not cool. I don't know, man. Like I feel like- We're in this battle together.

Yes. I think you're supposed to just be like, I know what it is that's happening. Tell me I'm fucked up. Tell me it was fucked up. But don't like- Well, and also doesn't he have your number? You know what I mean?

Or he could have just reached out one on one. He can get your number if he wanted to ask for your number. He can get your number and he can talk to you and ask what happened and da da da. I wanted to post the screenshots. Not cool. From when I performed with him and he rep happened. And da da da. I wanted to post the screenshots. Not cool. From when I performed with him and he reposted me for my birthday.

Really? It was, it's like what the fuck? Yeah, those things, I mean, but obviously. That's so weird. But then you went on, I saw you went on Willie D's show, right? Yeah. And he was like, this is fucked up, right?

He was, was he like mad? He was. Off air, Willie D was, he thought I was very intelligent. Yeah. of all and then he said the next day that's the best Interview I've ever did yeah because it was a respectful banter. Yeah, sure you give me your viewpoint Yeah, you know, I'm not here to change yours. Yeah, you're definitely not gonna change mine Yeah, I see it the way that I see it and I feel that I'm definitely not gonna change mine. I see it the way that I see it. And I feel that,

why are we attaching emotions to a joke? Like that was my whole thing, like this race shit, man. I'm just sick of it. And if we just all act as human beings, which we really are, instead of dividing each other by race, because I told him, I said, if I would have made a OJ Simpson killing Nicole joke, fucking black people would have been all over the floor.

But now I talk about George Floyd, who I understand. I understand the emotional part. But part of healing over pain is laughing. Like I talk about shit that was traumatic to me as a child. And now I joke about it, where when I was a teenager, they used to fuck me up and possibly make me question my sexuality. Like like am I gay when this shit happened to me when I was a kid?

So it was just like once you heal, I'm over it. I don't wanna sit there and be sad about slavery or sit there and continue to mope and be sad about George Floyd, let's joke about it. You know what I'm saying? That's your way to do it. Yeah, that's my way of coping. My dad died in November.

I have jokes about, because I had him cremated I have jokes about I take his ashes to do all the things that I wanted to do when I was a kid So when is it too far because you didn't know my dad He's dead and I joke about carrying his ashes with me like what what's too, you can't tell me what's too far. I agree with, I mean look, everybody, ultimately everybody has their own line and that's fine. Like you can have your line and I can have mine. And I think my thing is like, people are like,

well what's your line? Most of the time I go, I don't know. And then I, maybe I think of something and I go, well I not really feel like I need to share my own, but I also feel like if I see something that I go, oh, that doesn't say well, I just fucking keep it to myself. And I just go like, yeah, okay, I didn't like that. So what?

I don't have to announce it to everybody. But don't you think too, the audience helps you find the line? Audiences do guide you. We don't know if the joke is too much because we're fucked up in the head. I have so much more fucked up shit in my head than I actually project on stage.

So I don't know, excuse me, that is too far until I tell it and I see the audience's reaction. Or you have to just tweak it or rework it a bit to make it more palatable to their minds. And that takes time. There was a joke. I hope Adam doesn't kill me for this, but there was a joke I did where it was, I enjoyed the joke.

I enjoyed doing it. You know, it split the room. I said a quarter of the people would laugh and other people are like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? But Adam was like, David, come on man. David, we can't have that. You can't do that anymore here, bro. Come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also, you've also found, part of I think developing as a standup is you figure out your lane. I know who I am. Yeah, you know your lane, dude. Your lane is like, you go for it. You like to say fucked up shit.

I'm not a TV comic. No. I'm not a TV comic. But thank God that shit's kinda done, bro. That's also, yeah. That was a big deal when we were coming up. You should have clean. Hell yeah.

You should have seven minutes, five minutes clean so you can go on the tonight show or whatever. Who cares? And bookers, club owners, managers, they'd be like, you really should work on developing. On your clean. Yeah, working on your clean act. And of course, here we all, years later,

we never did that. Never. Amen. You're here. Because people come up to me, and this is more than money can, it's like that self-fulfillment you get. People come up to me after shows and like,

bro, you say what we wanna say. Yeah. But we can't because we have jobs. And I appreciate you for keeping it honest and truthful. I'm like, bro, you know, just keep supporting me because I'll never be on a fucking TV show. So the only way I am gonna be able to make money is from YouTube and unless TV gets so bad,

they gotta put a motherfucker like me. I mean, I've, I bought a Subo commercial with neck tattoos. That's cool. So you can, look, it's all changing. The landscape is changing. And that is the function of the comic, to say things that you can't say in polite society.

We had Louis C.K. on here, and I loved what he said about polite speech. He goes, there's a place in society for polite speech. Which is in society. It's a necessary thing. You're not getting paid to provide more polite speech. And I was like, oh my God, that's exactly the function. It's a release.

That's what a show is. Because behind closed God, that's exactly the function. It's a release. That's what a show is. Because behind closed doors, that's how people talk. When they feel safe and there's no repercussions, and that's the job, that's the gig. That's what podcasting I think has become so popular. How the fuck are you gonna watch the morning show with Cathy in Fuck Nuts? When you're in your car, and your windows are up,

and your doors are locked, and you're like, God, there's black people and I'm terrified. I got this new joke I do about, because you know, like I'm leaning into the whole people who try to cancel me from the George Floyd shit. So I got this new joke where I talk about walking around at all times with a thousand dollars and fives in my pocket and just in case

a group of black people try to rob me, I'll throw that shit in the air like bird seeds. I said I'll be like the bird lady on Home Alone 2. Like hey, that's what you want. Leave me alone, look at that, look at that. That's what fucked up. Jordan be like, you hate black people. They call me a white supremacist.

I said I wish I was white, motherfucker. If I was white, shit, nigga, I have 10 S-corps right now. I wouldn't be paying no taxes, motherfucker. You're such a unique dude in this, because I think part of, like I said, surprise. Surprise also, part of the surprise is the packaging. Like you're this big black dude, and so people, you know, they just make an assumption.

They look at you and they're like, oh, he's gonna think like this, right? And so that's part of the, like kind of the fun of discovering you as a standup, is you're like, oh, okay, like I know what this guy's gonna say. And then it's like, it's totally flipped on its head. You know what's crazy?

Since the George Floyd thing, I've got way more black supporters. Really? Oh, that's interesting. Black people come into my show and they're telling me, we're tired of society telling us how to think. Yeah. Because that's what happens. And that's, like I get a lot of flack

because just so happens, I grew up around a lot of white people. Yeah, you grew up in Macon, Georgia? Yes sir. My daddy's Hispanic, my mom is black. I grew up around a shit ton of white people, rednecks, like people who the mainstream media would tell you is supposed to kill me.

I grew up around motherfuckers with Confederate flags on their belt buckles. Yeah. Jesus. Rifle racks, that's just how it is in Macon. You even got black guys, like I know a shit ton of black boys who wear Confederate flags on their belt buckles. Yeah. Jesus. Rifle racks, that's just how it is in making. You even got black guys like, I know a shit ton of black boys who wear Confederate flags. So with that, where was I going?

Black people saying they're tired of the media telling them how to think. I've always been comfortable around white people. My grandmama had a white father. So I was like, I had white family members. Like you can't tell me that white people are racists. I think that's old school talk. And I think it's an easy thing to use as a scapegoat,

kind of like being trans. You can say, oh, the white man is keeping me down. That's an easy way just to accept failure. And I like, I'll get on a soapbox at my shows and I'm like, look, I'm a 5'11", 350 pound black man with hand tattoos, neck tattoos, and two baby mamas. Everything about me should be racially profile. According to y'all, when I get pulled over,

I should be shot by the cops. Why don't I get shot by the cops? Because I have respect. My mom from an early age taught me how to make it back home to her. Baby, when the police pull you over, roll your windows down, turn your radio off, turn your car off, put your hands on the steering wheel. If you know a police officer is already on edge, why not do these things? I'm not combative. I have white friends, by the way,

who are super combative with cops. And I'm like, God. Like, we'll be walking down the street and one of my white friends is like this fucking asshole. I'm like, did you even know who this guy is yet? They must not own stuff. Yeah, they're actually. They're not.

I love the cops, they got the whole shit. Yeah, yeah. That's a good one. But I'm terrified of the cops. I'm always like, act cool. You? They pull me over, yeah, I mean, yeah. Don't get put over in that sweater.

They gonna fucking give you a police escort home. Oh, Miss Christina, we're so sorry. Do you want to follow me? No, I get scared. But maybe it's because I grew up in Los Angeles where the cops were just scary. Oh yeah Miss Christina, we're so sorry. Do you want us to follow you? No, I get scared. But maybe it's because I grew up in Los Angeles where the cops were just scary. Oh yeah, you are from LA. I grew up in LA and I saw a Rodney King.

You grew up through a different time. Yeah, and I saw the, yeah, the Rampart division and the Rampart cops. And I guess I'm just because they got such a bad rap in LA that I'm like, don't fuck with them. Don't talk to the cops, dude. Can you admit that LA was better when the police were profiling people?

I don't know, fuck, I don't know. Don't you fucking talk to me about this shit. You know what I can talk to you about? I can talk to you about women shit. Don't be scared, this is your show. I can talk about women shit, and I feel similarly to the women stuff that you do, where it's like, okay, look, I agree at one time

women couldn't get credit cards. I get it, we couldn't leave the house. We couldn't do these things. Black people could vote before women. Right, right, but then also there's a time where you're like, okay, it's 2024. Things are pretty great now. It's like, at what point are you just not taking ownership

of your volition of your life? You know, like I'm a female comic. I started about 20 years ago. Nobody wanted to hear us fucking talk, but I don't care. I ignored it. And know, like I'm a female comic, I started about 20 years ago, nobody wanted to hear us fuckin' talk, but I don't care, I ignored it. And I was like, that's okay, one day they will fuckin' hear me talk. You're one of the few I can actually listen to.

Oh, thanks buddy. That's a compliment. There's like three of y'all. Every time I hear a fuckin' white female comic, I'm like, here we go, this fuckin' It's the same thing we were saying about you. It's the worst. It's like, right, like where you go, I know what they're gonna say. You know what it's gonna be. I'm like, all'm like here we go, this fucking. It's the same thing we were saying about you. It's like, right, like where you go, I know what they're gonna say.

You know what it's gonna be. I'm like, all right, here it comes. They're gonna tell me they're on fucking meds. Yeah. Yeah. All right, tell me, you went to Trader Joe's today, bitch? Yeah. It's like the same shit.

Talk about your fucking dog more, bitch. Yeah, yeah. I call that white girl type of comedy, I call it podcast comedy. Oh, where it's like, it's almost like a, oh, here's what's going on in my life. It's not really like bits or. There's no punches.

Well, my thing, I always get annoyed when I see cute, cute, young, single female comics and they're like, I can't get a date or I can't get a boyfriend. And you're like, yes, you can. They can, they can. Anybody can get laid. But anybody can get laid.

They can get fucked, they can't get committed to because they're insane. What's wrong with a female comic to where you're doing comedy? I fucked one female comic and it almost made me turn gay. That bitch was using me in punch lines. I'm like, look ho, I'm gonna send you a cease and fucking desist. If you tell another shit, at'm like, look ho, I'm gonna send you a cease and fucking desist.

If you tell another shit, at least make the joke good, bitch. Yeah. But I mean, I think for me, I just, I never enjoyed the stuff that went with being a girl growing up. I don't think it, how do I put this? You didn't like being a girl growing up? No.

Y'all got it easy. Like if I sit down and pee, it's gay. It is gay. Yeah. Sometimes it feels good. I think I always liked what the boys were doing anyway. Do you know what I mean? I always like, I guess I'd be considered like a tomboy.

She told me this one time, and you've told me many times since, and ever since you said this, I go, oh, this makes a lot of sense to me, which is that whenever there's groups together, like whenever men and women are together, she goes, you're hanging out with the guys. And because she's a comedian, she's like,

that's all, you're having the fun chats. That's all the laughs. She's like, I'm at these parties and I'm hanging out with the girls and I wanna fucking kill myself. She goes, I wanna go over where you guys are because I wanna laugh and I'm hanging out with the girls and I want to fucking kill myself. She goes, I want to go over where you guys are because I want to laugh and I want to like, like tell jokes and not talk about shopping and like stuff.

Because secretly when women get together, y'all all hate each other. Well, I'll tell you why that is. I'll tell you why that is because we're so, I think so new to, for instance, this is an interesting conversation. I had a great talk with Whitney Cummings the other day. And that's never happened, right? It has just, I'm saying in recent years, meaning that there's enough female comics of a certain level where we can call each other

for business advice. It's just never happened before. This is the first generation that we can do that. So why y'all don't call Roseanne? Oh, I call Roseanne. I grew up with her. I love her, yeah. First conversation with Roseanne,

she's like, they're all trying to kill us. I'm like, what the? But we're all mentally ill. I'm not saying we all are. It's just like, who's gonna function more? Who can be more functional, I guess. Well, you're both kind of saying the same thing in that you don't wanna be monolithic.

You know, like as a woman and as a black person, everybody just goes, well, you're a woman, so you'll be like this. You're gonna talk about the same bullshit. I hate the word black, you can call me a Negro. Okay. So. I don't, I don't.

Okay, so. I'd rather you call me a black. Oh, Jesus Christ. It sounds better, right? Oh my God. Nigga with an A-H? David Lucas. I'm just playing, call me black.

Okay. But don't you feel David that I think you and I are similar in that, I don't pigeon hole myself as a woman, as a white lady, none of this stuff fucking matters to me because the human experience is more layered and nuanced. And when I'm out there, I wanna transcend that label. I don't know if that makes sense.

I don't look at you as a white lady. What do you look at her as? A woman, because you don't have. A woman. You don't have typical white woman behavior. Yeah, that's true. I don't know how you are at home. You could be a white woman at home.

But every time I see you, you remind me more of like Italian. Oh, yeah. You have some flavor to you. Yeah, she got some. Like if I use the word Karen, and I had to like draw 10 pictures, I wouldn't draw your picture. That's a nice compliment. Thank you. That's a massive compliment, David. Yes, thank you.

But you don't like to be pigeonholed either. Don't you like, I've always assumed that one thing that would irritate. Is this cool? Of course. Of course. That would irritate if I were black would be like, when somebody goes, oh, black people feel this way. So they assume that like, if one guy's opinion is this,

they're like, that serves for everybody. And you're like, yeah, no, there are different thoughts and opinions within a group of people. You don't just get one and go, that's what it is. Now, are you, cause you mentioned earlier, was it a joke or are you seriously doing, cause I know they've done this before, is that's why I thought it might be real.

Are you doing a show for the Klan? No, but. No, they do. I would. What? They'll hire, they've hired, like there's that famous piano player, you know what I'm talking about? That keyboard player, that guy?

That black dude, I forget his name. I'll do a show with the Klan. I had a run-in with the Klan when I was a kid. In Macon? Monroe County. What happened? I was riding my dirt bike and it stalled out at a Klan rally.

It stalled out at a Klan rally? They know it was a Klan rally. That sounds like a fucking movie, dude. They helped me out, they helped me get it unstuck Really? They told me to get out of here. They didn't kill me. That's cool. Well, I mean I'm here, you know, yeah But they helped you out. Yeah, they got it unstuck and them white chiefs never got dirty. They didn't kill me They was they were fully in uniform. No, they were They were they were just like out there.

No thanks, I don't want it. And you can tell by the decor. It might not have been the Klan. It might just been like white supremacists. Oh Jesus Christ, I don't want it. You don't want what? It was me, you didn't have to go to- No white supremacists, I'm good.

I'm good. They might be all right. They're not all right. David, it's not all right. What do you know about it? I don't know. I don't know about it. I'm telling you, I grew up in the big city, Los Angeles.

There's no fucking claim there that I know of. How can you oppose something that you don't know about? Oh, no, no, no. I oppose it. That's me, that's my comedy. No, but I, because I don't believe that anybody's supreme over another race. This is silliness.

Well, at the end of the day. Well, you were just saying that there is no such thing as race. There is, so then why am I gonna say that the whites are- No, I said there's no such thing as racism. Racism, oh, oh, oh. Well, look. I don't believe in racism. But there's an argument, the Klan would say,

oh, we're not racist, we just believe that we wanna preserve the white culture, right? That's what they're saying. I don't have a problem with that, because how many, okay, don't- But then why are they beating people up and hurting, that part makes me sick sick when they hurt people. I don't know why they do that.

That stuff is not good. What they believe in, keeping the white race white, okay, do you, I mean, it's not that I'm like, all right, yeah, man, go out here and be a white supremacist, but it's like, if that's what you see fit, do it. That's your decision. That's your thing. I agree in freedom of speech, freedom of everything in America.

I've been on plenty of dates with black women and one of their first questions is, have you ever dated a white girl? And I'm like, why? Like, cause if you have, I can't fuck with you. I'm like, what? Really? Really, why is that?

They don't like the white guys. That's what I'm saying. Some black people believe in keeping blacks here. That's okay. But we see like mixing black and white turns out pretty good when you look at like Steph Curry and fucking Blake Griffin It's not you get the best of both look at any it's fucking handsome smart and Filipino Yeah, I know that dang Alayna look

Let me see it right quick. I be telling people to whip they shit out all the time. Let me see that Asian dick. Let me see that spring roll. He's a no-jitty, but he says that he's got no problems down there, he always tells us. I don't believe that, I'll look at it. I'll look at it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, set this up for him? Yeah, do you do you know what scatting is? Sorry about a lot of wild bamboo. Yeah, I'm from Macon. That's right. Okay, so you know what that sounds like Do you think this is talent? I'm gonna scat. I don't know if you know that it what that is. I don't know how to explain it so if you know that it what that is I don't know how to explain it so okay so I'm just gonna go ahead you can edit this part out of the video you know hang in

there hang on Just stay in there, stay in the game. I'll do that again, one more time. Uh-huh. But that the time but that the time I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought All right, your thoughts is gender neutral scatting That scatting doesn't offend anybody yeah, that's true It's gender neutral. That was um, yeah, it's really cool. I'm glad we found it. But why do we start liking it? Because at first you're like, oh this is gonna suck. Because the kid looks like they have tism. And I can't tell if it's a boy or a girl.

What is it? Was it a male or female? I guess you're right. It's that it's so What is it? What is a male or female? I feel like I don't know. Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa. I guess you're right. It's that it's so banal the way that this is. Oh yeah, you can't hate this. It's almost like, all right. But then it's catchy, but then they catch a rhythm. She stayed on beat.

Yeah. They did. They did. They did stay on beat. They did. Yeah. But we've all been singing in the hall. Da da da da da.

Da da da da da. We have to do it deadly, yeah. Ba da ba da ba da. It's simplistic. It's very simplistic. It's like, this is the Beethoven of trap rap. Oh, yeah. It's true.

Like if you think about how simplistic, like when you listen to music now, that that's very simple. It's easy listening Yeah, like I put that on on a loop to fall asleep. Oh, yeah. It's a good idea It's not too much. It just took me there for a minute I pictured myself falling asleep to it and oh, yeah, that's soothing. Now. Let me show you this I played this earlier and Christina didn't like it. Come on I love it because she won't even she't even put her hand in the air like, brrr.

Hey baby, it's time to play your favorite game. How wet can I get the pussy? Ready to play how wet can I get the pussy, baby? Yeah. You probably wanna play, how many times can I make you come, huh? That's the game you wanna play, huh? I think he's got the tism, too. Nah, I like him. How many times can I make you come on?

No, I like him He looked like he burned his hot dogs I like this guy see I do too Be when you get him drunk, oh man, yeah. Who want they pussy drenched in here? Yeah. She said every woman hates this. Oh yeah, he's definitely that nigga in the club, like when women walk him by where he like sticking his crotch out a little extra when you walk him by,

trying to get his dick rubbed on by a booty. He's that, he a where my hood at ass nigga. Where my hood at? Where my hood at? There's always that guy in every office too. Yeah, the hood guy. Shoulder rubs. Cigars, he's smoking cigars.

He lives in a cheap apartment. Yeah, yeah, I don't like that. You can tell by that. Yes. The ceiling and those doors. That's what I'm saying. He's got a lot of confidence for that cheap ass apartment. Yeah, but he eat that pussy good.

Yeah. Did he say eat the pussy? He just wants to get it wet. He wants to make it wet and he wants to see how many times I can come, but he didn't mention eating my pussy. He looks about 41, 42. It's a hard 41. to eat the pussy? He just wants to get it wet. He wants to make it wet and he wants to see how many times I can cum, but he didn't mention eating my pussy. It looks about 41, 42.

It's a hard 41. I don't think he has the money for the good type of Cialis. So that dick probably weak. So he probably eat the hell out of some, I eat the hell out of some pussy, cause I'm big, I like to fuck for about seven, eight minutes, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Eat that pussy for half an hour, it don't matter what you pull out your pants at that point. That's true. You give her a soft dick, it can hit. She's, you can have mediocre dick when you eat pussy for 30 minutes.

For sure, yeah, yeah. But I'm just wondering if there is a guy out there that could say those things to me where I'd be like, yeah dude. You're married, so why you think you're like that? Yeah dog. Because it's a podcast, it's good times. I'll fucking beat any nigga, I love you and time together.

I'll beat any nigga up that I see looking at your fur twice. Thank you so much. I appreciate you, man. You didn't get half of that man's shit. I'd be damned. No. Hell no. I'm not going anywhere, David.

I will make you disappear. Are you married yet? Are you gonna get married, you think? I don't believe in marriage. No? No, not right now. So y'all think it's different, bro. These hoes nowadays are scandalous, man.

Yeah, yeah. These women wanna be paid to be in a relationship. It's crazy. And it's like, come on, girl, I know how I look. I accepted that a long time ago, and I have a belly, and yes, I'm gonna put it on your clit, and it's gonna give you the best orgasm you've ever had. Like, fucking friction is what does it.

You put that fucking belly, if she got a foop, it's even better. You know, all that fucking, all that noise and clapping, sound like seals apartin', you know what I'm sayin'? You know, seals out there. Imagine a room full of seals just clappin' at the same time.

Yeah, it's beautiful. Now, do you think it's because of women like the Sprinkle Sprinkle lady on TikTok? Fuckin' Sprinkle Sprinkle. You don't know Sprinkle Sprinkle? I try not to be on TikTok. She's she's doing what you're saying. Where she's telling women like you have to get your money.

Like there's no such thing as love men don't really love you. Just make sure he's got a lot of it. No, I'm not. I don't say I agree with her. I'm just saying that's the popular thing on like TikTok with younger women is, hey, just get the paper. Just you basically use men. I think a lot of girls grew up in the social media era and they don't understand finances.

That's why I love Kevin Samuels so much. I mean, who are you telling it to? He's our God here. And JLP, Jessilee Peterson. Of course, he's been on the show too. I know, I saw it, I watched. Him talking about that slave plantation? I'll be there.

I actually got a new joke, and I'll get back to the woman thing. I got a new joke. I'm like, you gotta, it gets the crowd a little, you know, it gets them. I'm like, you gotta thank that. White people did have mercy on us, because they made us pick cotton.

One of the lightest natural substances out there. You can get a trash bag full of cotton and it's not even heavy. I said the white people were mean, they would have made us pick shit like watermelon. And I go, you ever try to put a watermelon in your grocery cart? Yeah.

But no, women live in this social media society, so you can make your life look however you want it to look. That's true. And I don't think they understand true finances. Like a woman who's out there just trying to like land guys, like bag a dude because yeah. And they say they want the six figure guy, and it's like when you ask them how many men

in the world make, I mean you know we're lucky, we're comedians, public speaking is the fastest way to become rich outside of real estate. So when you ask them how many guys in America make over a quarter of a million dollars? It's not a lot. It's like 7% of the population I believe. So it's like you're battling,

and how many women are out here? You're battling for a 7% when you can go get a fucking guy who got forklift driving license and lived down in fucking San Marcos, Texas and got a fucking three two house for 1800 square foot and he can get you a nice car every five to six years and live a good life. Right.

But y'all want the jewelry wearing, Mercedes driving dudes when that's all fake, it's a facade. So a lot of girls I go on dates with, they come into it with this kind of like, what can you do for me attitude. And it's like, bitch, I can't do shit for you. Do they really lead with that? Like, is that actually overtly said?

My first date is not gonna be expensive. I need to know that you're in it before I start spending money. Like we're gonna go to a coffee shop, bitch I'll bring you to a show. I drink for free. Yeah. Normally that'll, like girls, one thing I've learned,

girls like a man in power. And me being who I am and y'all being who y'all are We can go to a lot of places and not wait in lines Go to a restaurant and get a table immediately and they love that so it'll make them, you know fall in love Yeah, when you don't even they're like, oh my god I've never had a man who can just come in there a table. Yeah at a full restaurant Yeah, you know people respect what we do and they're glad we brought this here to Austin.

So it's like a lot of those things make girls fall for us and you don't, there's no, is the word I'm looking for, discernment? You don't get a chance to really like. Is there a thing too where like, because I mean obviously I'm far removed from what dating is like. How long y'all been married?

47, 557, no, it'll be 16 years. Amazing, see that? Yeah, but we met so poor and so young. And y'all grew together. What's the odds of that? I don't know. Now that I see how much we've been through and grown. Y'all can never leave each other.

What are the fucking odds? What are the odds, Gene? We met in our 20s and we're still together. And it's like Christina, if you do leave him, who the fuck you gonna date? Oh never, David. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, like hypothetically. Nobody. I'd be alone.

I talk about it as if he's when he dies because it's going to happen. You're going to die before me. I'm just going to live in Miami in my mansion. I'm going to have other ladies come live with me, and then I'll just bang Puerto Rican dudes every now and then. Fuck, man. No, what the fuck are you saying? Yeah.

I'm from Miami. I will make sure that doesn't happen. He's dead, David. What am I supposed to do? I'm not gonna love these guys. I didn't say that. Haunt her. They make too many sex toys for you to have to fuck anybody.

No. And nobody's touching your money, babe. Nobody's getting their filthy puss. He'll leave it to me before he fucking lets you spin it on some fucking pool boy. Some fucking guy, some waiter driving my cars. You imagine? I'll hunt this shit out of y'all now.

Right before you climax, I'll jump over there. Ooh! You'll be that guy? Yeah. I'm gonna make it come so many times. Yeah, my boy. This guy from zero, on one to ten, can't you accept it? The more you make your looks. Fresh face out of the shower. Four.

A ten. Whoa! Your face? Yes. Look at him. A ten. I'm always going to give myself a ten. I'm not going to ever give myself a ten.

All right. So there we go right there, people. As you can see, all the hearts people losing. See, you can keep it. You can keep it. You can keep it. You can keep it. You can keep it.

You can keep it. You can keep it. You can keep it. You can keep it. I'm always going to give myself a 10. I'm not going to ever give myself a 10. All right, so there we go right there, people. As you can see, all the hearts people losing. See, you can cap all you want to, but you're not an international super mom. You're not an international. And I'm just trying to ask you, see, up until this point, I feel like you have been pretty reasonable. But now, if you want to do that, I

think we should probably end it because I don't play those games. He's just the best. I'm doing something for a good reason. And I'm trying to be helpful, but man, you and Rihanna walk into the room, don't nobody confuse you. You're not a 10.

You're not a 10. You're not a 10. You're not a 10, but that's the point. But that's a 10, you're not a 10. You're not a 10. You're not a 10. You're not a 10. But that's the point. But that's a 10. You're not a 10. OK. Beautiful people.

Ma'am, ma'am, we're talking about you. OK. You've been you your entire life. Yeah. You call yourself an eight. Yes. No. If sweetie is a six, I think No. If Sweetie is a six.

Ma'am, you're not. I think. Sweetie's not a six. Ma'am, you're beneath that number. You're not above that number. I love her. He's hilarious, dude. That teaches you guys, you know,

Kevin Sam is a prime example of, when you're in your 50s, don't be out here fucking 20 year old pussy. That's how he died. Yeah, that's right, that's right. Yeah, that's true. There was a combination of dick pills and Red Bull. Yeah.

Is that what he did? He was drinking like fucking 20 Red Bulls a day though. I didn't know that. So he was a Red Bull? Oh, but the girl who he died with was. Yeah, she's bad. Nine, an LA nine. Really?

Yeah, an LA nine. Wow, good for him. That was like in his place. Two years ago, right? Yeah, it was a while ago now. He was the truth, man. That was my preacher. He was very, I mean, look, there was a lot of truth to it.

It was also unbelievably funny. Yeah. It's so fucking funny. I mean. When he used to play that trombone song. How much you weigh? That's none of your business. I told you I was fat.

Oh, okay, we don't play that shit on my channel. You get your big fat ass on somewhere Deal you big sassy ass broads You think you can get out here and be like Danny's big ass go knock yourself out But I would be remiss to try to tell you as an image consultant and as a person and a professional And you can be five three and way so much that you don't even wanna tell somebody how much you weigh and think you gonna get a man to marry you. A high value man.

So you go ahead and go on back over and get your two piece or three piece or whatever you got coming from Chick-fil-A or Popeyes. Yeah, carry your hair or something. Your magic get told off eloquently because of the words he used. That's my favorite tell off. I would be remissed.

Get you two peas, two peas, chick-fil-a. Man, I used to follow him on Instagram. Man, and then nobody can talk shit about him because the dude's in shape. He's a nice looking guy. Yeah. I used to follow him on Instagram and one time he like, I guess it was his Ferrari or Lamborghini,

some smaller two-door car, and he took a video of it on his story. He said, Big Shirley can't fit in this. It was so funny. I tried to hit him up directly one time. I tried to get him on the show because we were watching his clips so much. He didn't respond.

I just messaged him and I was like, dude. I think it's because I was like, we laugh so hard and I think he was probably read it like, you laugh so hard. Like you know, I was leading with like, what I get out of this is I'm entertained. Like, and I think he actually had an agenda in that he was actually really trying to like,

help people, you know? So, I don't know, it just didn't work out. I think he just made people look at themselves with a, you gotta look at yourself as an honest man. That's the whole, that was the, to simplify it completely, it was just that. He was like, you want a high value man, like you were saying? He was like, well, what do you bring?

And if he's like, if you have three kids and you're single and you make 30,000, he's like, what do these guys want with you? Right, right. Like, yeah, I think men, we reached that level when we were in high school. We have to sit there and really be honest with ourselves. Okay, do you play football?

If you play football, you can get whoever the fuck you want. But if you don't play football, it's like you gotta really be honest and work out, do something, be smart, some shit to get the type of woman you want. And if you do, if you can't get the type of woman you want, just get rich. You can pay for her.

Yeah, sure. You can figure that out. If you figured that out in high school, you're ahead of the current age. Oh yeah, absolutely, you'll be smart. You know what I'm saying? It's interesting, because I was just telling Tommy, which I tell you a lot because I admire,

is that I knew he, I mean look, when we met he was 23, broke as a joke, I was 26, broke as a joke, but there was in him a maturity and a drive and an intelligence that I was like, this guy is a fucking winner. I tell him all the time, he's a fucking winner. I mean, again, we didn't have two pennies to rub together, but I knew someday we would.

I don't know what to say. There's something about a man, even when he's young, that he has a drive and a vision, and he's intelligent, and he's gonna make that shit happen. And you're already doing comedy at 23? I just started. Nice, LA? LA.

I didn't know I was gonna do it. I moved there at 22. I was interning at a company, and then I did the groundlings, which is like the improv school. The gay stuff? The gay shit. Yeah, so gay. And then the groundlings, which is like the improv school. The gay stuff. The gay shit. Yeah, so gay.

And then there was a couple standups in my improv class. Oh wow. And they were like, you should try standup. And that's how I started. Where they at now? Well, one of them is actually a pretty successful television writer, one of the comics. And then the other one, Sam Tripoli.

So Sammy is a- Oh yeah, Tripp. Sam was in improv? Yeah, he was in my improv class. When did he turn conspiracy theorist junkie? Uh, sometime in the last decade. I love asking him about it though. Sam is so funny. He's hilarious.

I let him just talk to him. Hi bro. And he took me, like he was so nice. I've always, I've told this before, but he was like, you should try stand up bro. I can just tell you should try stand up. And I was like, I don't know what to do. You know what I mean when you're like, well, what do I do?

He was like, well, come watch me. So we drove around one night, and I watched him do spots. Like he did a spot at a bar, he did a spot at another book show, then at the club. So he was like, it's like this. Like, I actually needed to see, like, how do you do spots? I didn't know what that really even meant. I watched him do it.

And then the other guy, the writer who was doing stand-up a lot then, he walked me into a place and he introduced me to the booker of this little bar show as a comic, he's like, he's a comic. And she was like, oh yeah, you wanna do a spot like next week? And I was like, yeah, sure. I'd never done stand-up.

You just bombed. No, I didn't bomb. I did like, I mean, in retrospect, it's mediocre. Like, right, but I got a couple laughs. Enough where you're like, oh, I wanna do this again. Right, right. It's a drug. It's a drug, it's totally a drug.

I can't stop, man, fuck. Yeah, it's a drug. I have it on tape somewhere. I have it very rarely. Your first time? I have my very first set on tape. Where, what venue? Do you remember? The Good Bar. That was Good Bar? Oh my God, dude. Good Bar, what's that? It was on tape somewhere. Your first time? I have my very first set on tape. Where, what venue? The Good Bar. The Good Bar?

Oh my God. Good Bar, what was that? It was on Sunset. It no longer exists. It's at the line on Sunset right before West Hollywood turns into Beverly Hills. It was called the Good Bar on the north side of Sunset. Oh yeah, which is, is it that bar

that's now the two story bar? It might be, I don't even know. Right before it turns fucking rich. Right before it becomes Beverly Hills. Yeah, it has that little's now the two-story bar? It might be, I don't even know. Right before it turns fucking rich. It has that little, like the fork. Like the strip ends and it goes right into Beverly Hills, it was right there. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I miss LA, y'all miss it?

There's parts of it that I really miss. I mean, first of all, I think just that long in a city, you just have a certain comfort with it. I got so many emotional ties to that city. Cause I moved to LA straight out of high school. Oh you did, yeah. I moved there straight out of college. I pretty much became a man.

In LA. In LA bro, yeah. Me too. You became a man? That's crazy, Christian. I feel like I'm a man. But do you still go back? Yeah, my kid lives there, I have to.

I have one kid in LA, one kid in Miami. Oh, perfect. Oh, okay, so you're bi-coastal. It's the worst, bro. Yeah, Jesus. Cause I either have to like, when I get my kids, I'm like, all right, I gotta pay somebody mama to fly with them, cause I'm not flying to Miami,

then flying to fucking LA, then flying back to Austin. Yeah, that's a lot. So normally what I would do, because I live in, I got a place in Georgia too, and known that's where we'll spend the summers, because my place here is a fucking apartment, you know, downtown, there's nothing for my kids to do, and out in Georgia we got acres and shit,

so it's somewhere for them to be for the summer. You know? You get along pretty well with the moms? Here's what I would say, man, when you do what you're supposed to do, you have no baby momma issues. When you pay your money, both of my kids in private school, like they couldn't, I'm not there a lot

because I'm on the road, but it's like, when you do what you're supposed to do for your kids, I don't think you'll have any issues. Like, what are they gonna say? What can they say? Sure. It's true. I'm not an absentee father, every fuckin', like, when I do the East Coast,

I fly down to see my daughter. When I do the West Coast, I go over there to see my other daughter. Yeah, okay. Well, that's good, man That's true. So I tie my mom had me yell at my dad is when the child support was late Yeah, it's a column and be like that's all these women care about That's all I know Yeah, my baby mama in LA she's like when you gonna book a movie That's all they want. I know, so fucked up. Yeah. My baby mama in LA, she's like, when you gonna book a movie?

Really? Yeah, she's like, cause I just need like a chunk of money. I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? She's like, I just need like a hundred thousand. I'm like, damn bitch. Okay.

I'm like, you'll never get that. Yeah. You will never. When are you gonna book a movie? You're like, oh you wanna see me do movies? No, I want a big chunk of change. She don't give a fuck about my career. Oh bro, when the George Floyd shit happened,

she was so terrified. She's like, are you getting canceled? She's like, what's happening? Are your shows gonna stop? I'm like, no. I said if anything's gonna help. It's gonna sell more tickets. You don't have anything to worry about.

Your checks will still come. She was like, oh, okay, okay, everything's cool. You wanna see the other side of dating coaching? Yeah, for sure. You do not have to accept her rejection. Okay. I'm a professional dating coach, and I teach guys how to understand the female mind.

Now, if you're one of the people that haven't applied anything in my course or my videos or anything like that, this video is not for you. This is an advanced technique. This is for the people that have the course, have my videos, are applying it, seeing results, and eventually I'm gonna put this in the course.

I just don't have the time right now, so I'm releasing it now. You don't have to accept her rejection. Now, here's an example. I was talking to a girl and she said, oh, you know, I'm not really interested. And I, instead of just going, okay, and then just turning away, I did this.

Why would you not be interested in me? I'm the best, absolutely the best. And she's like, oh, how? I'm like, well, you'd have to come over in my house to find out. And you'd also have to be okay with kink and you'd also have to be okay with my mastery of the ropes and the fact I have multiple women.

Actually, maybe maybe maybe not maybe For me he does now I did turn around I could have left that part out and still got her to start bantering back and forth She did I'll tell you she started going back and forth with me and I started building attraction in that because now I had Side-stepped her fucking rejection granted keep in mind. I didn't force it and say no, no, you're no I just played into her little fucking game after a fucking rejection. Granted, keep in mind, I didn't force it. I didn't say, no, no, you're no. I just played into her little fucking game. I knew she was playing with me a little bit

or just kinda disengaging, and I gave her a little bit of fun. You wanna know what I did with her later? He could have multiple women, cause he looks like one of those guys who dresses up in those animal costumes and then they fuck each other. Yeah, there's just-

The furries when they come. Yeah, the furries. This is a specific type of girl. Yes. Very broken, very insecure. What's the mystery? Where that guy mystery would tell them like you like fuck with them.

Yeah, you go like oh you're. You're kinda ugly. You're not gonna get your hair done? Yeah, you're not gonna get your roots look kinda bad. Yeah. You know? Oh you can't fuck with me, I got so many other bitches. And she goes, what? Like, very insecure.

She's gotta be very insecure. Yeah, all his girls he fuck would have more than three cats. Yeah. This motherfucker look like he got a peanut allergy, man. I wouldn't trust him now. I know. I like how anybody can be like, I'm a dating coach. And like, Kevin did his, like you said, in a suit,

nice set, he's like, I'm in my car. He's in a shitty, it's either a Toyota or a Honda. Yeah. It's not fully loaded, those don't look like leather seats. No. No sunroof. But he probably does, he bangs somebody for sure. He gets a certain type.

The camera reimagined, that looks like a fucking Planet Fitness shirt. Yeah, that's a free shirt. He's in the back seat too. He's in the front seat. Is he? I think he's in the back seat too. He's in the front seat. Is he? I think he's in the back seat. Or he's just got the front seat really far back.

But you're right, he cleans up at these furry conventions or these Comic Con. Magic the Gathering. Nerd gatherings, yeah. He himself can pull off, I think he knows how to banter. You know what I mean? This guy's confident enough to be like. In the nerd circles, this guy is king.

For sure. Every girl that has cut marks on her wrist. Fucks with guys like this. That's right, goth chicks probably. All right. All the chicks who like that screamo music. Yeah. Tina, you ready to give it to him?

Oh yeah. Give it to him. I heard you bitches were looking for me. All right, you ready? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening?

Christina curates the dark side of TikTok. Yeah. And it's a wild ride. It's an emotional ride. Yeah, most people like the dancing and the singing. I like the fucked up shit. So it's just for you. I think you and I are kindred spirits. I follow a lot of fucked up pages on Twitter.

Me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well not Twitter. Yeah, TikTok. Twitter's better because you'll see actual unaliving. Oh, that's deep. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what that is. I know unaliving from the top. Will you send me these Twitter things? You don't wanna see this. You're not gonna.

Ah, yeah. Yeah, she's not gonna be there. Cartel videos. I'd like to see that. Oh yeah, you wanna see this? As long as it's not children and animals. I don't do that. Oh, animals get fucked up too.

I follow a page called, I think it's something, Something of the Wild, where it shows like when the animals be catching prey and shit. That's cool, I like that. Oh yeah, that shit's cool. I like that though. That's the shit you dreamed of

when you used to watch Nat Geo. You're like, how come they don't show them fucking ripping. Yeah, I wanna see animals having sex. Yeah, I wanna see them fucking getting down. I do wanna see penguin sex. Penguin sex? Oh yeah, how do they fuck? I don't know man, it's weird.

Yeah, words are junk. I don't know. Let's get it. What the fuck? Get off this tree. Get off. Get off this tree. Ah!

Like this is one of those- You know this one, Tanner? It makes me itch. Clear the trees of these pestilent lanternflies. Yeah. No chemicals next to them. Tanner's a fan. But everybody's afraid to activate their feet

Yeah, so I guess this tree is gonna keep on suffering if I'm not here Everybody's afraid to activate their feet Tom You can use your bare feet to fuck up these bugs that are everywhere in this is what she does It makes me it's Christine what you guys are such crybaby pussies. Okay, let's find the way. I thought you liked unaliving cool stuff. Oh, you were crying when I said white supremacy. Oh. Don't forget about that shit.

I'm gonna break it up every time you try to call me that. Makes me so hurt to my heart. Every time you try to break me as a crybaby, I'll be like, whoa, do like this. No! No. No. No.

Not the clan, Not the clan. That shit makes my heart ache. Oh, this is from the Carnival Cruise Ship. There was a flood. Jesus. Can you fucking imagine this is your vacation? There's the engineers like, I don't know. I don't know fucking.

You just thought you were going to die. The carpet flooded. We stayed on the second floor. Our entire hall and rooms were flooded. That was so. Fuck, you're just dying, dude. Don't they put you in those boats? Carpet flooded we stayed on the second floor our entire hall and rooms were flooded. Yeah Fuck you're just dying dude. Don't they put you in those boats and you know, you'd have to work for your refund, too But who's like not like trying to talk shit, but isn't carnival like the Greyhound of the sea. Yeah Someone that's been on them for family vacations, they fucking suck.

I hate cruises. I hate them too. My parents fucking love them. Who the fuck wants to be stuck on a boat for five days? Fuck that, dude. Here's how penguins work. Here you go. Do penguins make?

No. He's standing up in that person, literally. I was in the mouth. That's how they find? Oh, whoa. Wait, where is he? Where is his? Oh yeah, because they're banging. Yeah, but where is his dick?

You can see he's standing here, he was in her rear. Oh, so the dick goes like around in her. Doesn't cat dick have barbs? Yes, that's why they make those crazy sounds. I like that pigs have curly ones, you know? They're like corkscrews. The cloak, where the mate climbs onto the female's back and walks backwards until he reaches her tail.

The female then lifts her tail, allowing the penguin's cloaca to align and sperm to be transferred. The male pushes his cloaca out and the penguins wipe them together as he ejaculates. Wipe them together. The process does not take long, often lasting about 10 seconds.

This is longer than me. That's pretty cool. That's what I'm gonna call my dick from now on, about 10 seconds. That's longer than me. Pretty cool. That's what I'm gonna call my dick from now on, the cloaca. The cloaca, yeah. I'm gonna go with this cloaca. The cloaca. Want this cloaca, baby?

Back your ass up. I'm a fat and this is what I eat in a day on the way to a vacation destination. We stopped at parties and I was too big to fit in the booth so I had to sit in this chair instead. I got a bacon and cheese biscuit with no egg I don't like eggs because birds are the only thing I like the healthiest part I had half of a large hash brown because I didn't really like them But that didn't stop me from eating half of them because I am a fat as I've already mentioned

I had half of my mom's biscuit It wasn't that good because it smelled like her and And look at this place. Look at my bald spot. Look at this view. So nice. We went to a fancy restaurant. I've never had a ribby or a filet mignon before, but I got some lemonade, free water, so good. I'm a genius. The three dollars I saved gonna come in handy next time I want a Big Mac. I tried a hush puppy, it was not good. I had a salad, it was absolutely delicious. Even though lettuce has no nutritional value, I don't know why y'all fat people like to

eat a salad and be like, oh I'm healthy, what's so healthy about lettuce? Y'all are weird. I split these cheese fries with my family and then I got a bacon cheeseburger which was very good, I just wish it was more pink. I don't know how many calories are in this food But how much do you think away by the end of March place your bets in the comment section below? I can't tell if this is Fully like if she's fully aware like it seems like she's

Like the voice in the face and everything in the commentary is like, you know, yeah, it's fucking with us. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, yeah, ain't no one saying ribby. Yeah, it sounds satire. Well, here's the deal. Is that there's a lot of these content creators, like here's what I eat in a day is a fat person. This is a popular name, and this is just her way, maybe yes, of like adding humor to it.

I kind of like it, though. Like I'm super fat, and here's my ribby, like, but she's still eating this shit, legit. The one that I hate is when it's like the fat person who's like, you think that I eat crazy and that's why I'm 475 but I don't. And then they just like have a bite and they're like, that was good,

I don't really eat more than that. My brother would, if he saw this video, he'd be in love. He's five years younger than me and all his girls are like three plus. Really? He's tiny, he's five, six, like 145. He likes big girls. Yeah, for some reason.

Isn't that, I'm always curious about that. I used to work with a guy like that. I can't do nothing with a big girl. He was small, the guy I worked with, and he liked him to be at least 270. That's crazy. I mean, if you're skinny, I can see how it possibly be fun.

You just jump into her and can't hurt her. I don't know. Lay on the bed naked, bitch,. I'm just jumping, like maybe. But you don't like super big? Nah, I cut off about like 185. Yeah, okay. Oh wow. Yeah.

But the crazy part is bro, all the girls who be shooting they shot at me at shows be like 120. Really? Yes, these skinny girls, they be like, they shout at me at shows, be like 120. Really? Yes, these skinny girls, they be like, can I please come back with you? I just wanna like rub on your belly. Really? That's my dream weight.

Do you like big, do you like them when they're 120? Is that a good weight for you? It's too small. Too small. Perfect would be like between like 145 to 180. Yeah. Yeah. I like, I like big titties, but I don't want to date a girl with big titties.

And I don't even want to have sex with her. I'll be like, well how much for me to just juggle them titties in my face? Like $150? I just want to do it for like five minutes. Like slap me with them. Yeah, have fun with them. Like kinks.

You know what I mean? Like slap me with the big ass titties. There's some big tits out there. There's some big titties out there. You could definitely do that after shows. Like if there was a time where people wanted me to sign their tits a lot. Yeah.

Remember that? Yes. There's like a, yeah, you could definitely get away with that. Comedians, I would say after shows, we could, two shows a night, you could at least have sex with six girls. Six to eight girls.

Probably, wow. Oh girls, they, it's that thing about being in charge your own stage and that's sexy to them and especially if they find you very funny. Yeah six to eight. Bro I was doing a with me and Tony did a theater in Minneapolis and I missed the boat on that. Yeah you did, you fucked up. And this girl comes up to me and she goes, what are you doing tonight as I'm selling merch? She goes, what are you doing tonight? And I'm like, isn't that your boyfriend right there?

So the boyfriend goes to take a picture with Tony and she's like, why are you even worried about him? Damn, scandalous. I'm like, girl I'm not doing this because one day I do want a committed bitch and I don't want that karma. Good for you. I don't want that karma from me

knowing you have a boyfriend. Like, it's one thing if I don't know you have a boyfriend but I now know you have a boyfriend. Yeah. And you're saying don't worry about him. I'm like, nah. That's wild. Yeah, avoid that chick for sure.

Yeah, chick trauma. Today I'm grateful for ceiling fans. When people get turned on to the fad, it's like electric and it just keeps coming around and around and around. Seriously though, they're very important for temperature and airflow control and are staples enough to even be used in places like large airports

and have models that are primarily designed for their artistic or theatrical impression. Thank you, Christina. Yeah, his whole thing is like what he's thankful for. So it's a gratitude choice? Yeah, it's so annoying. Yeah, y'all bought a house not too long ago, right? Yeah. Did y'all build it or was it already?

No, it was built. I'm building a house from the ground up. And I can see how he gets, did you know how many styles of ceiling fans there are? No. Bro, it gets like, damn, that's cool. That's, you know. Oh, you start to have the choice.

You start to pick out stuff and you're like, oh, that's a cool ceiling's cool. You know? Oh, you start to have the choice. Yeah, you start to pick out stuff, and you're like, oh, that's a cool cellophane. I've never seen nobody with. Right. I can see why, but I mean, he has a basic cellophane right there, the one that's at Lowe's for like $49.99. Like you're saying he didn't choose a very fancy. Are you building it here?

No, no, Georgia, bro. Fucking property tax way too much here. Yeah, yeah. Wow. You're on top of it, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, back to the guy squishing bugs with his bare feet. What the fuck man? Don't be afraid to use your feet

He's doing everybody a service by killing these bugs in the city. Yeah, how many how many how many followers he got on TikTok? Damnit Christina, yeah, this this one gets me Tanner. What's the story? Do you know his story? No, you just love it. Okay, do you remember to wipe your vulva from front to back or use a second piece of toilet paper? So you don't get any poop in your vulva Listen shout out to Aaron Trussell for that one Duncan's wife The what the Stephen Hawking movie. I couldn't even get through that. Animal Cemetery.

The Stephen Hawking movie? Who made that movie? No, Stephen King. Pet Cemetery. Not Stephen Hawking. Yeah. Pet Cemetery. Oh, it's like it was Hawking.

Remember when that girl turned into like a cat? Yeah. That's how she looks. She does kind of look cat-like. Like she about to turn into something. Yeah, she does. And get that out of your vulva. Your vulva? Get your shit out of your vulva. I don't want to have sex with any girl who uses the word vulva

No, I know I know that I mean shit doesn't get into your vulva You know what I mean? I've never had to clean shit out of my vulva. Do y'all know about Yanni steams Yeah, I've heard about that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah steam your cooch Today I'm grateful for mountains and hills this This guy. And I love terrain features. I love varied terrain and I enjoy exploring. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome.

This guy sells cell phone insurance. Yeah. Are you covered? What happens when you drop your phone? So he's sweet though. Hey, me and my dog, we were wondering if you and your dog wanna go on a date. Yeah, so other guy, those are the type of women that. Hey me and my dog. We're wondering if you and your dog want to go on a date Yeah, so other guy those are the title women that yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and if you don't have a dog

We could share mine She's so cute Yeah, usually it's guys You actually gave your daughter a good life and then you see this bitch on a fucking TikTok video like this? Oh, fuck, dude. Wouldn't you fucking be so upset? Yes. You're getting on a plane right away. Yeah. Cut this fucking bullshit out.

My daughter goes to private school and I went to her school. She's nine, I went to her school and I guess I should have looked at her thing because it was like, what is it called? Career day. Yeah. And she tells what she wants to do when she gets older

and then I gotta talk about my career. And she goes up there and embarrasses the shit out of me by saying when I get older, I wanna be a rapper. And I'm like, you don't gotta fucking go to private school for that shit, bitch. Yeah, start now. You can drop out right now. Yeah, yeah, and you might actually have a shot.

Yeah, you might have a shot. If you stay in private school, you are not going to be a fucking sexy red or whoever the fuck you think you're trying to be. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, I fucking took her YouTube off. She only uses YouTube kids now, bro. I wouldn't play with that shit.

I mean, you ain't out here wasting my fucking money. No bullshit. Like all the rest of these kids talking about I wanna be a fucking equestrian and a fucking doctor and your ass come up here talking about a fucking rapper. Fuck out of here. You're in a uniform saying you wanna fucking rap. Get out of here.

That's so funny. Yeah, I was pissed. Did you get up there and say it? Yeah, yeah. No, I didn't say it in front of the class, but I told them what my career is. But to hear her say it, I'm like. Yeah, that's fucking good.

I was like, what? And this is cool, and in the back of his pickup truck too. Yeah, he's got a chick in a fucking latex outfit acting like she's a doll. Fucking ass. Fucking ass. Bro, I would, if my dog, oh my god. I'd beat the shit out of her.

I would die. Yeah. So fucked up. What the fuck are you doing? What did you do? What did we do wrong? Were we too good to you? At least, do me a favor, at least don't do the videos. That's what I would say.

Stop with the videos. Be a dog on your own time. All right, look, we gotta wrap up, but I wanna tell everybody Uncancelable Live from the Comedy Mothership is out now on YouTube. Danny Brown wrote and performed the original intro song for this special. Oh, that's rad.

Yeah, yeah. You have many, one of the most enjoyable things that I have experienced in the last couple years is just you and Tony going at each other. Yes, oh my God. It's so fucking funny. I'm sure there's compilation clips. Yes, just a few hours.

Dude, it's so funny. I can't believe, like you guys, I just sit back and watch and I'm just like, this is, it's just so entertaining. Oh, and they do it in the green room. Oh, and they do it, I was there yesterday. I was doing it. Even on their off time. You're wearing your kids fucking vest.

Rogan thinks that we're leaving a lot of money on the table by not doing a podcast together. Oh, that's a great idea. You guys probably should be. You guys probably should be. He's like, just put the news on it, y'all talk shit about it. Or just you doing a night,

you guys should just do a night sort of like Ross and Attell, like a bumping mics thing where you guys just go on stage, shoot the shit and shit on each other. It would really be well because, not this, so what was it, 20, what was it, 2024? So 2023 New Year's, coming into the 2023 New Year's, he was doing Tony and Friends at the Vulcan

and me and him did go on stage for like an hour. And it was crazy. Yeah, that would be fun, man. It's like. I also want to give a shout to the fact you still do Fishing with David Lucas. Yes sir, when you gonna come on? Have me on, I'll come on.

Well, I'll text you. Okay, we'll do it. Thank you for coming today. Thank you, David. And congrats on everything. Thank you, man. Yeah, make sure you check out the special. You're gonna love it or you're gonna hate it. There's no in-between. That's the way to do it. Yeah

All right, guys. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. We'll see you next week before Now it may seem that your crotch is on fire But your camel toe I cannot ignore So keep them high and tight you sexy tiger I wanna see those his thighs explode Now turn around so I can see your entire parking garage at the end of my road and forgive me if you see my mouth water don't mean to be rude I just want me to bite cause I've been starving myself now I'm kinda I don't mean to be rude, I just want me to bite Cause I've been starving myself now I'm kinda

In the mood for some bone chum tonight And if you don't give me my appetizer With some stinky sauce I think I'll just die Then I'll come back in reincarnation As your genes when they're high and tight I'm out. Thanks for watching!