Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Matt Braunger-278-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 28, 2015

Big. Dumb. Animal. Those words don't just describe our guest Matt Braunger perfectly. They're also the name of his new 1 hour special (but without the periods).  Always welcome inside the Mommy Dome, Braunger is like a son to us. We not only talk about his big special we cover the hidden C**T in Harry Potter (Tommy found it), and what in the world Plies was talking about, Ya feel me? This episode is just like hanging out in the bathroom with your buddy. You're gonna love it.  Who won the last Fill Her Up? We have results! And this edition of Tom or White is pure White Knowledge testing - how much do you know!?  

When and how you supposedly alter the balls I'm not sure I'm not sure I'm not sure I don't know no no I don't know what happened I don't know what happened I have no idea I don't know no no no I like the balls I like I like the balls I like the balls to be there perfect I'm not squeezing squeezing the balls with whatever feels good with the balls I don't want anyone touching touching my balls. I don't want anyone rubbing rubbing rubbing them guys are really focused on my You got a feeling and you got a feeling There's a great accomplishment to reach my balls. I tell them how great they are before the game

I want to be better familiar with I like the balls I like I like the balls I like the balls to me. They're perfect Thank you guys All right, well, that's really neat who was that about that was a part of a deflate gate You know, you don't know that stuff too much, but is that football? It's football. Yeah. Yeah, yeah the patriots Had deflated

footballs in their conference championship game and then they'll press conference about it and then somebody Remakes all right always fun to talk It's always a good time. I do the philosophy podcast Yeah, I'm on the football. Okay More from after the Bombay Zombie dragonfly disc effect I'm in Kansas City, Missouri this weekend at the

Kansas City improv Thursday Friday Saturday only Super Bowl is on Sunday and If you have a Super Bowl Sunday comedy show you're a fucking asshole because Going to be dead I'm excited about it. So please come check me out. I am going to

Omaha, Mamaha, Nebraska Next week, you're gonna love it. It's such a great club. You've said that a lot You said you really like that club the old funny bone Omaha is fantastic. Yeah And then those Kansas City Yeah, end of the month. I I do this private show in Dallas and I have a one-nighter in Hattiesburg, Mississippi and Lafayette, Louisiana Right after that. I just added Jacksonville

Florida March 4th, and I just added Atlanta, Georgia the night before doing one night only at the punchline March 3rd West Palm Beach I'm doing that and then I also added one night in Asheville, North Carolina and Salt Lake City, Utah in May. So all those are at TomSegura.com and Yeah, fart in your mouth Christina guys come see me in Manfron disco this weekend at sketch fest January 30th and January 31st

And then you guess what the Valentine's Day show is sold out At the podcast at the ice house. It's so sorry. Hey That's an Indiana not in Greece not in Greece February 19th through 21st I'll be at Morty's comedy joint and then I have one night in Louisville Louisville You did it you added Louis You added Louis I did it Sunday one night only Sunday night at the laughing Derby

Please get your tickets now. Yeah, because Tommy said it was amazing mommy showed up. So great Well, so let's show some love for your mama your other mama and then March 5th through 8th DC improv That's in Washington the district of Columbia That's that's March all right. Let's you know We have a very special guest with us today. He is no stranger to the program We're so happy to have him we got big news will announce right after the break, but in the meantime Where can the people see you Matthew Bronger? Hey, everybody? It's me Matthew Bronger Long-time listener third-time caller

That's so fun to be on the show no I they can the folks the folks can see me at the The sketch fest in the man fran disco with young Christina to my right different shows, but Yeah, same strokes for different folks Everyone likes the same strokes what they say and then I'm gonna start saying that to say that to younger people. Hey, it's the same strokes for different folks. What? Never change your MO guys guys never never learn never evolve same Same I've been doing the same same strokes

47 years my wife left me two years ago And then I think the only thing I have on the books after that right now is a laps Comedy club in Kirkland, Washington. Oh nice the end in the 20th of March weekend of the 20th and website Matt wronger.com there you go. I'm a ttpr a un Dotcom and big news coming up. We'll give you some big bronzer news in a moment. We'll have to open some ships and yeah for that It's gonna be as yeah, it's massive news, so All right, you ready to do this

Let's have a good time. Yep. Okay, okay Okay, Harry Potter turn a cult you're the cunt now you've always been a cunt And the only thing that's gonna change is you're gonna become an even bigger cunt Who is Ramsey don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura Christina house

I Told you Yeah, we had this discussion about whether or not in the Harry Potter we watched the whole Harry Potter all eight films whoa Yeah, and I was like how what which one was it where somebody's like Harry Potter your cunt Yeah, and she was like it that doesn't happen and then I looked it up and it's there Harry Potter turn a cunt You're the cunt now. You've always been a cunt And the only thing that's gonna change is you're gonna become an even bigger cunt. It's Hagrid I thought it was actually the guy who's like the the guy

Mad eye moody who basically you can you hear him his voice? That's that actor. He is all right. Yes, right? And the big thing is Hagrid wants to tell him He's a cunt. He is but he just doesn't have the heart. You're right. Mad eyes like doesn't fuck around He's a consolo, so he's kind of and he's had a bunch of butterbeers and he's She's like come here. Come here man. Come here. You look hot. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. I'm speaking of Hansel. I think Chris Pratt is gonna be the new Indiana Jones. They announced. I think you know that really? Yeah, what the fuck Is that what you're saying? No, I was just thinking on solo because Stuff that that's almost I mean, I think that dude can handle it like I I think I'm a huge fan

But it's just like that's it's like what I didn't say the Guardians of the Galaxy guy. You're in Jurassic World Yeah, yeah, and then Indiana Jones. It's not it's not official They said that that's what the talks are leading. Well, of course. I don't know who else give it to you know the negotiations Well, I talked to the president of show business earlier today. It's like it's important and he was like, yeah, we're thinking about it I'm sure so we're thinking about speaking of big show business things It's as many him or a completely unknown British dude Complete Indiana like a 22 year old. You've never you know, they that they picked off the like the London stage That's always an iconic American role every time. It's like who yeah, who's this?

Isn't the isn't the new Late late show like a British guy. Yeah, but nothing. Yeah, but it is right. Yeah, and it's I've never heard of it Yeah, I actually I met him at a The riot fest because he Ian Carmel is gonna write on his show and he came see on the new show Uh-huh. He's gonna be one of the right and he's on the staff and the guy was very complimentary So I like that to get I like that guy. He's a fan of mine. No We talked about this yesterday. Yes. Yes about comics You're like you're like fuck that guy and then if the guy's nice, you're like that guy's really

He's really cool. You know the moment they compliment you you're like, you know how to like you. Yeah, he's a good person So even if it's so pathetic and it's and if they are really complimentary then you're like, you know, who's awesome Yeah, and you'll bring really nice guy Like you like I've always liked mm-hmm always liked me while he's climbing to his car drunk like spilling roofies out of his pocket Uh look president of showbiz is also call me about this. This is big news. All right That's for big news Will you please go ahead and share with our audience the big news? Yes, my new

Hour special comes out in Comedy Central February 6. It's a Friday. It's called big dumb animal I taped it at the Bell House in Brooklyn and yeah, yeah, it's great. It's February 6 February 6 Matt Bronger big dumb animal, I can't wait Bronger. This is so exciting and we have clip right here of Matt's news special In case you hadn't realized it has somehow become uncool to sound like you know what you're talking about Or believe strongly in what you're like saying Invisible question marks and parenthetical, you know, and you know what I'm saying I've been attaching themselves to the ends of our sentences even when those sentences aren't like questions

Good job. Thanks. Wow. Wow. When did I say that one? It's I guess in the second half of the new special I'm so blackout drunk. I don't even remember doing that sounds nothing like me No That's not from Matt's or is it is that bad? That's Matt's first Comedy Central special right? This is not from the new one. This is not big dumb animal Who is that for real? It's like a pastor a white guy that was on deaf poetry jam. Oh, okay. Oh my Spoken word like what is this slam? Is it slam poetry? Yeah, like the slam. That's our favorite kind. Yeah. Yeah

So most violent of poetry make me Sure, I don't know what it is. I mean I should figure the feeling well the thing is the feelings It's the feelings and and the cadence. It's always the same. Where is life? Yeah, is it above? Is it? below Do I have an airplane? You know like it's a very you know, it's the same feeling I get It's the same feeling if I get if I had like a friend or relative that would Like get up in front of an audience and and you're like dude don't like yeah, and you're embarrassed for them Right, but I'm embarrassed for strangers. Yes here. Well, you see some you know, it's funny

It's just like any kind of performance based art be it stand up be improv you whatever when it's good You're like, oh my god What a great poem that spoke to me that nailed so many truths and even what that guy saying was saying was wasn't Interesting yeah, but like when someone's like, you know when they lose their orger just you're like, what are you doing? Yeah, yeah, you know what it is. They're saying something. It's just obvious. Yeah I don't I don't like it when people dive They force their feelings on you and I feel like that's what that is or when someone plays the guitar acoustic guitar and sings to you It's it's too emotional, right? It's like, but bro. I don't need your feelings. Don't keep them to yourself

I didn't pull that one like I didn't go find that one that was that was sent to us by a listener So I have no idea who that it doesn't say his name on it You know what's interesting about Doughton Abbey? I was just thinking about you know I'm sorry interrupt You know what? I think they sent you that as kind of a counterpoint to the you know, I'm saying the vocal fry thing Oh, we're talking about like adding those things. Yeah, and we were talking about vocal fry last week We're those teenagers are having a hard time getting fucked Tom. Yeah They're doing vocal fry. They're talking young teens

Having trouble getting fucked. What is the world coming to the missing link connecting the diaspora community to its drum Oven past Whereas the quantized drum has allowed the whirling mathematicians to calculate the average of changing distance between rock stardom We do here by their reality unkept by the changing standards of dialogue Big dumb animal Laugh right yeah, but I was thinking with downtown Abbey The whole point of that culture was to never embarrass the other person or make me feel feelings that bother them, right? Which I really like

Right. Yeah, but it's also it's emotionally unhealthy But the layers of of status that you're locked into but as long as your Upper status and you're upstairs, right? Everyone's like don't let that person feel feelings. They don't like That's like the whole the whole structuring like they're just John Cleese was talking about he's like you're so afraid of being embarrassed You're raised to be afraid of being embarrassed That's why they were like so that's why Monty Python was so huge because they were so they were just straight-faced silly, right? Right, like just redic like let's just be as ridiculous as possible But act like starched shirts but kind of the yeah

They're kind of the interesting thing though about Brits is that like if you were you know, don't be embarrassed But if you were doing so you were embarrassed other people were like don't make him feel more embarrassed Like they or they love it. Yeah, or they love it That's like how they're their their tabloid press is worse than ours. I think it's so brutal You know, they're always just trying to dig up dirt on people like just have something to point at because that's what that kind of repressive nature, you know Produces so Back to your special though. Yes, your big dumb animal, right? Is that I mean you how did you it's basically the

First time I actually put a special together about like all right. Where am I in my life right now? That's you find that more challenging or no Yes, and like well I got a note from a close friend earlier in a year that was like, you know I think all your stuff is funny, but sometimes I watch you. I'm like, I don't know who the hell I wouldn't know who you are if I didn't know you interesting like ah, okay, so if you're like I watch both your guys's act I'm like, okay, I get exactly who you are. I get your point of view I think my point of view is pretty clear

But like my last special was just just disjointed be like, oh, here's a funny thing. Oh, here's something else Yeah, here's another funny thing not here's something else unrelated to all those things. Yeah, and I think that's fine But and you don't want to necessarily at least I don't want to necessarily have like a progression That's just like so it's like a concept album like a one-man show or something like that But everything on there is like you watch it. You're like, okay. I know why that guy's saying that I get I get who that guy That's really interesting because I always felt like hours and like specials are basically One of the two, I mean and I actually don't like lean more

I don't have a problem with either one, but I feel like it's either like here's a bunch of different funny things Yeah, that are funny and mm-hmm. There's not really the concept or it's more like here is You know a thing this is an hour that comes that is defined like you you can see You know, it's about a theme or something. I mean like there's a narrative Yeah, type of thing Yeah, and it's not it's not like, you know, I kind of get into I start with personal stuff tell a bunch of anecdotes about You know ridiculous mistakes. I've made my life and stories or I've just been you know an idiot been a big dumb animal

But then like, you know it near the end it gets a little more personal And then I just end with it what I just think is just a hilarious story of being in a bar once that's like a story I tell my friends so it's like yeah, there's no big lesson earning like that But it's just kind of like well. Hey, here's something. I can't wait to see it man. Oh, thanks I it's because my my it's become my favorite stand-up to watch and I think it's why I'm drawn to doing it, too I love stories. Yes. I really like absolutely. I've always loved stories offstage Yeah, and then stories got more popular on stage in like the last 10 years Mm-hmm, and I'm I love telling them and I love watching them

It's really you just got to get out there and we're lucky enough that we get to experience a lot of stuff because we travel so much Yeah, and you know, I mean I I had this like, you know Christina and you and I we all play the comedy store here and there and Sometimes you get in front of that room and you're just like I just I don't want it I want to talk about my day like I don't want to do jokes right now Yeah, and I just I talked about having like this minor surgery Where this guy said something when it was happening that fucking made me laugh so hard and I was like so and it was just The story just crushed. Yeah, and it was like, oh, okay

Like that made me laugh at the time right and you feel like you when you have that enthusiasm behind it people are like Oh good. Yeah, this isn't someone just telling some observational thing They couldn't care less about they just want to laugh for me so they can burn their time Do you know and you're connected to it? You did that last night when you told the story about Getting naked in locker rooms for the first time and it was like yeah Connected because you were really in that it's true just thought about it this and sometimes I mean I told the story that was like We've got a pretty good reaction, but to me. It's still the funniest thing where there's a part in My parents gym in Portland night when I come my home visiting for Christmas. There's a summer or whatever

I'll just go to their gym and There's this, you know, it's 24-hour fitness. It's not a weirdo gym. Just a normal gym There is an area where you go wash your hands and all that's in that room is sinks and two air dryers and a door And then on the other side of the door is the locker room where there's just naked dudes I went in there to wash my hands. I'd gotten my jacket and everything. I was about to call my dad to pick me up There's a dude in there Ever everyone else is fully clothed one guy. I think has a shirt off and he's shaving He has pants on this dude is standing in front of an air dryer. He's over 60 and

He's drying off his dick and balls with the air dryer and he's not like he's lifting his dick to dry his nuts specifically and just like hope Like the air dress is screaming loud in this little room everyone's washing their hands with that far away look like I'm not I'm not here right now. Yeah, this isn't happening So see and right when I was like trying not to laugh the dude turned and looked at me and spread his butt cheeks and dried off his ass And it's like, you know, you tell the story and say it might get a laugh I might not but it's just like to me. I still think of that and go I just like that I know I don't have resolutions

But I was like I want that kind of confidence in 2015 where it's like I just don't care What you think though if it was you or some other guy even younger doing that someone go. Hey, man Hey, how about not thinking that come on man the hair dryer. What are you doing? Well, I mean think about it like what if you you walk in there with like your five-year-old? Yeah, like here buddy come watch your hand. God damn it. Yeah, but if the guy's 60 70 It's a license to ill it is it is it what you know, I mean and if they're foreign But I think I'm trying to do ever they were talking about this for a couple I was talking about it last night the same things like is it just is it simply a mold and I don't give a fuck

Or is there a little more of a layer to it where maybe maybe it is kind of a thrill There had to have been a throw there, right? Like I think it's a little thrill for the guys That are just strutting around the room. You know taking balls out. Yeah, there's some section Sexual layer to it all, you know, not to say that they're a wrap, but there's something I think thrill they're getting I think there's there's also a lot I think for some guys it's not even sexual There's a level of comfort because they come from that era like from Right, then a then a football era and they're there and they hang out the locker room dick and balls out

Yeah, this is our place. Yeah, because they didn't even consider Yeah, homosexuality or anything, you know, whatever or it's so repressed in the psyche Absolutely, and it's kind of a it's kind of a hot thing the guy's like, you know, I kind of love that. I'm secretly gay Yeah, what's up guys? Yeah, sure. I got a wife at home. I have a hot thing Throw a helmet on her There's there's the kind of a hot thing Yeah, it's kind of a hot thing sexy and It's me and my boss the mental image of a of a of a old guy just coming up and talking to you with a turgid boner

Yeah, like a strong boner. Just pointed at you just talking and then you're just like I haven't seen boners But I've seen some fucking hogs like real monster dicks on old guys old fucking Walking around who are like like and they take the towel and throw it over their shoulder You know, you could wrap it around your waist if you want why there's no sense. Here's my whole thing You could cover your genitals. I feel like our our age people and And and younger have just at least some sense of maybe it's embarrassment Yeah, just modesty in a way where you're just like I'm just gonna cover up

Yeah, that's what you do sure and that over that age and especially if you get to the higher end of it, right? They're like no the towel is for drying But that's the era of shaming Like remember I grew up in gym class where you're expected to get naked and then after gym and shower with strangers Sure at the worst time of your adolescence. You're just sprouting pubic hair The boobs are just coming you're getting your period and hey get naked with these strangers and nobody was like God This is weird, right and when that's forced on you institutionally and even the older generation There's no shame. Yeah, but there's no sense

something weird is happening to me where I am trying to Work myself into having their confidence. So in other words every time I go to the gym and I shower I go Fucking do you have the confidence that they have but like for what? I mean, is it just to so that I can be like in the circle of all these beautiful dicks? Yeah, and like, you know like have mine admired my I don't know what it's working on me You know, I mean we're like every time I go there now I'm like walk around sure and I you know I still cover up and then right but like it's in my head. I had a thing where

Like two years ago or a year ago, maybe my girlfriend I went to Las Vegas and her sister was working at Caesars in the like in the spa Department and so we both got like free spa days. Obviously in different, you know We both got a massage room, but then we go to our own and they have like a room that snows They have a room that's a sauna. They have room. Yeah, it's bananas There's this giant like hot tub thing and all the guys are walking on naked. So I'm like fuck it I'm gonna walk around naked, you know, even with my thumb dick, whatever. Yeah And I remember like jump going into like walking around and this black dude walks by me just an arm

Like a huge dick and he's like, isn't it great in here? And I was like, it really is and then walked by each other And it was just like hey, yeah, coexistence not even on the racial level. Yeah, huge dick and regular dick, right hanging out in harmony Yeah, so you're kind of just like like I'm a friend who is often naked Not well endowed and that's why it's awesome. That's why he's just like doesn't he loves it? Sure Yeah, he's got it throws all that insecurity right in the trash, right, you know, I think yeah, you know, it's interesting Is that GG Allen style? Yeah It's culture like when I I've been in Hungary Like I went to Budapest when I was 18 with my friend Sean and they don't give a fuck sure

I mean, we went to get massages at the Geller hotel and it's just good naked Here's your tiny little apron that covered like a square and you're like what and all of a sudden you're thrown into this You know hot tub with a million not a million, but like, I don't know 25 older women Snaked soggy tits soggy bellies and there was no There was no modesty there was and when you're in that environment You're like, all right one in Rome like nobody's looking at you. Yeah, and if they are they're doing it when you're not Aware of it. So you're like, yeah, and I remember having to get naked with Sean

Being in like a hot tub with your best friend when you're 17 or 18 and all these other niggas and we were so like So now what do we do? Yeah, just not looking at each other like We went to new beaches when I was in when I was growing up like my parents would just take me to a new beach No way we were swim trunks, but it's just like it was just a good beach. Yeah, but it was new people there But there's this place called Rooster Rock in Portland that is named that because there's a rock that looks like a huge It looks like a dick. And so it's called cock rock But on the on the highway signs Rooster Rock like that's what it's called Um, and I I don't know which came first the chicken or the boner

But like, you know at one point he got that name and it's part of it's a new beach, but I remember going with Going to a friend's Birthday beach party mom, you know a couple cars driving us all there They rented a little van and all jumping out and mom didn't do any research because we got out the beach just like just 18 fat naked people playing volleyball just bouncing just all the kids like They're never hot at the nude beach nobody's hot And you and you you know you see like those kids how they freak out for like sweet 16

You know like this I wanted it brought out and when they at 12 o'clock It's 11 58 I wanted a pink one that one's white, you know, but it's like a rolls or something You know the much more low-key version of that. I'm sure this kid was just like I didn't want to see all these wieners On my birthday There's stint in beach in san francisco That's a new beach. Believe it stint and all the dudes play volleyball

Naked, you know a dick swinging and guys with their hands on their hips just pissing into the ocean God, yes, that's who are you why who are these people that doesn't sound fun Like volleyball that doesn't sound fun naked. You know, we're watching dating naked and you're like listen if you're gonna If you're gonna date naked, how about you don't pick athletic activities. How about no atv writing? No No cartwheels and and who is like this is a good idea to do this show I don't mean the producers. I mean the people that are like the contestants. Yeah, why why bro? Is it that hard out there? Do you really want to have the craziest answer to party too? How'd you guys meet? Do you want that that's what you that's your angling for? That's the goal bro. Oh

Statements such as oh god especially in punctuating or anticipating modes of ultraviolet I love having to get all these people that think i'm doing spoken word poetry and it's all skippy too Like the files all messed up. Yeah time to self actualize. Well, it's a new it's coming up. It's a new file Sure, of course, of course. Um So you shot it at the bell house. Uh-huh. Yeah, we did the podcast there. Yeah, it's a last year Yeah, that was a lot of fun where Dracula got married Is that right? Doesn't it look like?

Did you hear him go really? Yeah, he did the actual Vlad the Impaler Uh, I call it that or the elegant lumberjack because it is it's just like yes, that's great. It is weird But yeah, it's such a great room. Uh, why did you shoot it? Uh last june Last june just been editing it and uh, you know, then waiting for someone to buy it and Comedy Central bought it It's what a great place to have it. Mm-hmm air Well, it's great because they it's gonna be on there for for a year and then I think we might have a deal in place for to go elsewhere, but I don't know but you should see it now

Yeah, that's pretty awesome. So this is what you got to do if you listen to this show Um, let's be real. Okay Just go to your DVR And set that shit to record be real be real be real about it. How do you catch me real catch something the moment? It's airing right so too risky Well, the thing is it's like it's gonna air at midnight and for like your party people that's perfect But also if you have like direct TV, it'll be east coast time So it'll be 9 p.m. Which to me that's to me. That's even more perfect

You can watch it from 9 to 10 and then you can go have drinks and be like that guy's the worst Whatever you want to do. I hate your comedy. I hate that that was the worst day of my life Matt and I walking around the silver lake reservoir remember this day and we're walking Around this stretch on the back side of the reservoir And a car just comes up. I feel like it was like an older car Yeah, and a window rolled down. I didn't even look at the car Literally as they're passing us the driver a guy just goes. I hate your comedy. I thought it was a girl

No, I thought it was a girl and I thought she said your comedy sucks No, I hate your comedy was it. I hate your comedy. I hate your and it was like and I immediately claimed it because the night before I was the only stand-up in an improv show and Like I forgot I was doing that show and so I went ahead and got drunk with friends And then someone texted me like shit and I you know got over to the to the ucb And it's just this crowd of improv lovers and I'm doing my set about

You know male strippers or whatever I was doing. Yeah, you know and Did not do well and then so the next day. I'm sure Well, you know, I kind of stand out from the crowd. I'm sure this person in the car was like there he is It was definitely you right because you were more famous So immediately I was like, uh, and then I was like, oh, I'm standing next to matt So I was like, yeah, this person doesn't know me That was the only reason at first. I was like, oh my stomach dropped and I was like they hate Oh, no, he's famous. We'll see now if neither one of us had done a shit set

I think we'd both be like fuck. I don't know who that was. Yeah. Yeah. No come back You know, it's nice though is she took responsibility for her feeling. She was like, I hate your comedy not you suck See to this day. I thought I thought she said your comedy sucks. I For me in my memory, it's always I'm gonna go with you. I hate your company. I'm gonna go with you. Yeah I hate your comedy, but it is that thing of Why do you share that that you just want to ruin someone's day? Yeah. Yeah, it's not it's not as if I got on stage and was like Guys, I feel good. I just ran over a dog. I'm gonna do a set. Yeah, sure Make that person feel terrible

But it's like if someone's actually trying taking time out of their night to do comedy, you know I see so many or I've seen so many people that I've been like, I'm really not into their jokes or whatever Yeah, it's just not your company. I'm never gonna tell them. I would I tell them? Of course, of course um I hate your comedy hate your comedy. That's so crazy to yell out Um speaking of comedy you won't hate. Did you know that? the lady on the show Uh, the lady the lady

Has a top 10 billboard. Hey all the album right now. Now is this one called man of the year? Yes. Okay Man of the year. Yes guys. I'm so excited. I can't believe it's mommy power. It's mommy power. That's awesome Thank you guys for buying it and I I'm so happy and if you don't have it Please download it now CD baby for those who don't like iTunes and then iTunes for those who like iTunes The moms are incredible. Thank you so much you guys. I really appreciate that Really nice. Maybe someday my parents will give me the approval. Um, you're so I so deserve but then you won't be funny anymore That's true. That's true. Well, I have to work for I would say for the sake of our show and future albums I hope they never give you my parents are very supportive

But they have like maybe a couple jokes of mine They like and I think the one the thing that keeps me going are the relatives Which are like all of them. Well, no not all but many of them who are like, I just I just don't get it Are you are you serious? They say that about your comedy? I just don't know my sweet aunt says to my her daughter My cousin who who likes my stuff a lot, but she's my age Her mother's like, I just don't but it's that's fine Who wants to be for everybody? That is so crazy. It's so funny. I know but the perspective is the one you get

With with some years on you. Yeah, and I don't I don't feel any You know, I I mean, right? I loved my aunt and uncle came were in town visiting my parents different aunt and uncle and they came to my show at uh I was in I was in Portland and Mississippi studios and um after the show my uncle was like, you're actually real funny You're actually you're you're you're actually really good Actually, no because it's that thing of like he's just like, oh god. I don't know People paid people paid how much money to go see this guy? My my nephew. I don't know my aunt uncle and relatives came to a show on time and

one like one of the cousins I think was like Like you're you're great. That was great And you're my whatever you're the best that kind of thing and my aunt goes I thought you were both good Referencing me and the other comic sure and then my cousin was like but didn't like even like like not even for like Just for familial purpose. Sure. Like don't you think tommy was the best though? And she goes no, I thought they were both Oh boy, that's great. I was like, thank you. You know, he's not here right that other guy. Yeah, I was like you you can just You would have heard you to lie

Yeah, because we're related. Yeah, just do the Downton Abbey thing. It's not embarrassed. I gotta give it up I actually really like that other guy. Yeah. I was like, all right. There was I remember this is a random random reference but I remember when Illmatic by Nas came out and it was like nasty. You're Jones. Not see your Jones It was like there are no other albums right now. They're hip-hop wise. Nothing. There's nothing out there really. It's unbelievable. You know, uh Uh, this is right around I think I went I think they came out different months But you know doggy style was like huge, but yeah, yeah, maybe I'm mixed I meant might be mixing up my ears

But anyway, I just remember it was just like and I was at school in New York in college I was like, fuck everything. This is the best and where they were showing I was watching BET or something with some friends and there was this rapper out at the time And I forget his name But like I don't know. Yes, his name was dred Scott and he was you know, whatever rapper And it was him and his crew and they're all like, oh, well you guys listen to these days and everybody in that guy's crew Noss man that Noss. Oh that Noss. Oh shit, man. That Noss that Noss, yo, that's the yeah Dred Scott's like what about that Dred Scott though, huh? Like making a joke, but at the same time being like dude

Sorry, yeah, sorry like if your whole Your entourage. Yeah, you know be like Vinny Chase's entourage was like a lovely and uttered a caprio Yeah, that dude and that dude's the hottest How can at that at that moment you kind of want to be like, you know, we need to have a talk Yeah, about how we do promotion. I bought everyone's lunch today. But all your lunch is yeah, but at the same time then you're like You can't no, it's undeniable. Yeah, it's undeniable. Yeah, I love that. We're not like that Do you know what I mean? Like bilber specials like one of the best things I've ever seen And it's like I'm not I'm not gonna put my special up next to his and go no

Compare it folks. Nope. It's so fun. You're like and good and healthy No, and and like I feel like it's so uh I thought you were gonna say to do that. You should definitely compare. No No, I feel like it's so comforting when you go like that guy Is unbelievable. Yeah, and I don't have to compare myself like I don't I don't have to be like am I as good as that guy Yeah, I don't fucking No, I just talked to a friend yesterday who's like they they like his special But they didn't love it and I'm like, do that's the first comedy special

By someone I didn't know that I could sit through In like a long time right and I wanted to sit through it You know, like it's like him, louis ck, maria bamford. There aren't many people. I could just sit there and go I'm I'm not looking on my phone and watch this like a movie like you said before it's it's the different strokes for different folks But sometimes the same sometimes same Sometimes people, you know, yeah, that's philosophical. That's deep. Yeah, that's very deep um

Do you have do you have that we're like comedy wise? You go You know, that's they're they're the best. It's the same. Yeah, absolutely. I think we all share the same People right now. Yeah, I'm you know bill burr louis ck david tell. Yeah I love the fact that like burr was on uh done maren show it was just going like He's like is that voice in my head like it's i'm just like like i'll never be as good as david tell Like will I ever be as funny as that guy and they're both like yeah totally he's saying this

He's saying who said that burr bill burr and it because it's like and i'm the same way like any any time i've seen david tell He just racks. Yeah, and and should It's just so good like skanks for the memories. It's probably my favorite comic Like comedy album of all time. I had to pick one because it's non stop It's so funny. It's so good. It's so funny. Yeah, he's always but that's a very example We were talking about specials or albums that are you know, there's there's not really a coherent theme He just jumps from thing to thing. No, it's funny. But everything's so good. It's so good. Yeah And he's in front of a hammered crowd in member and people are yelling shit. Yeah. Yeah, it's like wait, you know

And he doesn't he's not somebody that you know a lot about. No, we really don't no But you do you do but you do because there's really recurrent themes uh midgets partying right You know, it's the good time guy and he's self-loathing. Yes, you know it. You know who he is without Yeah, yeah, yeah, which is rad. Yeah, hilarious kermudgen. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. So matt bronger What are you watching on television anything exciting? Oh, man, what am I watching? Well, I mean, I just Me and a lot of other people have been losing our minds were black mirror. Yes. We started on that. She started watching that too God, have you watched it all? No, I haven't seen the season two. I haven't seen the christmas one

But I haven't seen that all the both one and first and second seasons like I keep my one of my favorite things is like talking to people like what's your favorite one? And to me it's my favorite one is the one that disturbed me the most Which one's that you know, but don't tell us what it is. But don't give us too much. It's called white bear Yes, that's the place where they People have committed crimes. It's just it's just a woman waking up. Yes. Yes. We saw that's the one we saw it That one's bananas. Yeah, I don't want to spoil that one. No, don't don't don't but and and the thing is it's a tough battle royal Yeah, other ones disturbed me almost as much but there's something about when you get through

That whole episode. Yeah to the end where you do have all these emotions of you. You feel so conflicted You feel some sympathy, right? That's right. That's why it was why I I can't Yeah, it's it's man thief. What are you eating? Don't eat shit. What's he eating? What's he eating? Oh The thing is it's I mean that this that show is so So the new twilight zone because it makes you it makes you think like oh all this stuff could happen And I gotta tell you I was uh when the first episode that we watched which I think was the first episode of the whole thing I kind of like I thought it was a good episode and then I go like

You know, I don't want to watch a show that has new characters every time That was my bummer. That was my bummer because I I was actually I didn't know the concept of the show I was just watching this episode and I was like, all right. These are the characters is an awesome story And I was like, oh no, it's a one-off and I was like, what? Yeah, but then you know, they just They just fucking rock it out every time. So dude. I always just I grew up reading like, you know tales from the crypt So it's like I love stuff like that when it's uh When it's done when it's done, right and it's it's every one of those episodes is a violently brilliant Yeah, I like the one where you can see everything that's happened to you. And would you want to that scared me so bad

That might be my second place one Because you do that anyway Yeah, you really you read I think it is it is naturally Healthy to remember things slightly wrong For your health revisional revisional a little bit. So you might not Have to be faced with Your full

Awfulness the trauma. Yeah, you don't want to relive the trauma exactly exactly how it was And I think with that you would have to and you would oh fantastic. Sorry There's these are results these are results. Oh, okay So for the fill her up She's got to seal her shut from Two episodes ago. We had for the females I swatia rye

Um She's like a beauty pageant. It's indian was all indian. Oh, that's right. And then padma laxie. Who's the short course? Yes, yes, my ex-girlfriend your ex-girlfriend. Yeah, you know what the results were, huh? Do you want to know? Yes, you know who you voted for right? Padma. Yes, and I voted for Aishwarya, uh-huh Aishwarya well with 74 percent of the vote. Oh, why everyone hates padma. Yeah, why because she's a she's a hoe She's just distant, but she also buffed the guy who created that show top chef. No, she got the job

Yeah, for real. I think broke up his marriage too. Yeah, she's a real demon. Do you know how she broke up with me? How? She just said matt bronger Pack up your balls and go that's what she said And she this was well before the show so that's in her lexicon. She had that already She always had to pack up your whatever and go back up your balls and go Yeah, wow, and it's and I was like and I just I was said your face betrays no emotion

And you don't you don't know how to cook like I said that And I left I left her her condo and she said pack up your jokes too and I slammed the door behind like I don't need that shit But doesn't she do you feel like as the judge of that show? I mean, this is one of my issues with not wanting to fill her up Yeah, it's like Who are you like? It'd be like if she was she's a model who married a salmon rush tea right She doesn't even look like she eats. Yeah, isn't like food. Well, no, here's the deal though Everybody else on that show and it look at okay. She's like a host so

I mean if we had like a handsome fun dude, I don't think it would be as much of an issue I really don't who wasn't like a chef, you know, at least in the general lexicon We wouldn't even think about it as much just because you know what I mean It's one of those things we're like well who'd she fuck but in this case maybe she did but that's the rumor My thing is she put out a cookbook of other people's recipes Dude, who couldn't do that? Of course really who couldn't do that. You should do that tom I could put out Um, you the both of you to put out the mommy cookbook. It's a really good idea. Here's some here's something we've found on the road

This guy makes this guy makes pizza lasagna Lasagna made out of layered slices In our defense, you know, we've made our own poop soup We have a few recipes should make we wouldn't we're already a step ahead of her. Mm-hmm. Yeah ahead of the curb You could have ahead of the curb. Uh, here here's a pitch Wrote a home recipes. Yeah for you and your and your special lady or man Okay to have it home. It may be taking notes. Maybe with your babies. Yeah Uh, the road recipes. Oh, yeah, you know for you if you have a kitchenette

Or if you don't I do if you don't right maybe just using the microwave downstairs at the at the la quinta Yeah, right you're starting out as a community. I got all those recipes. Okay Uh late night drunk recipes. Yeah, okay and hangover recipes. Those are your four chapters right there I think that satisfies the mommy contingent now. You're now you're with now. You're the with you know when the books are like Yeah, by christine and tom. Oh, yeah, matt bronger. I'm gonna write the introduction. I'm gonna be arms folded You know looking like a different smiling like waking like these two the first time I met these two Yeah, so yeah, we have to get jeff tate's hot dogs and gatorade. Hot dogs gatorade, which is just oh man Just steal it just put hot dog like boiled hot dogs and gator on the side

And that's get a picture of jeff gates like from like when he's like teased like stop like don't take my picture Like pay two hands up like cut it out and write it and just like and then a long Thing of like, uh, this is in no way endorsed by jeff tate. And in fact, he asked us not to put this in It's got to be the red kind how complicated you think Staying your mouth the hot dogs and gatorade recipe would be I mean, I think it's obvious He likes fruit punch. You're wrong. But what about that hot dog? I'll tell you what I'll tell you what you got to hit 7-11. Yes, and it's got to be after that's right I think and it's also sweatiness on the dog the greasiness on that dog

The sadness of the dog you got to make the dog as greasy and sad as possible But also it's make your own gatorade. So what you do is You get smart water that already has electrolytes in it. Okay, and then like regular fruit punch neon like neon fruit punch like one of the high c When punchy took acid or whatever and then mix the two of them So shit so bad for you so much more sugar than than needed That red gatorade is so gross me You have to like I only drink gatorade if I'm hung over and it has to be like gatorade g

It has to be the stuff that's like way less calories and way less sugar because regular gatorade You're like, I'm drinking ice cream sundae. You are You know when you can tell if that shit is freezing cold. Yeah, like if it starts to give you temperature Yes, it's like it you the snow cone melted. That's what it is. It's the sugar in the lollipop room temperature Gatorade starts to like harden in your mouth. You're like Like it turns in the candy as it's in your mouth. It's got to be ice cold or you feel sick drinking it Yeah, it is sugar. It's just sugar. It's so unhealthy and I don't understand Electrolytes either. I don't know. What is it? It's sugar apparently. No, it is it is it's a thing

It's a thing that gets moist moisture hydration through more of your body It's like water plants craze Now if you if you had to fill up or seal shut, I mean we've already voted on these Yes, but just because you're here, right? Deepak Chopra or dr. Sanjay Gupta. Who would you go with? Take me through your reasoning Let me see. Okay. Okay. Okay. Sanjay Gupta is just a funny name. Yeah, it is now you too. You remember who you chose? I forget. Okay. I'll save it. I'll tell you now. You know what I gotta go with I gotta go with Sanjay because I met him. I was in this night show and he was nice to you

Conan O'Brien was He talked about it was me him and john C. Riley and uh sanjay talked about Some crazy like he a dude like Got hurt or had a uh heart failure or something this dude like Cut the dude's chest open on the street and massage his heart like something crazy and kept him alive and the guy's like allowed this day Some no, no, no, no. No, it wasn't that it wasn't that it was it was like brain surgery Like he did something to somebody's brain to like help him on the way to the hospital

After the show like him and his wife are hanging out And he's like, hey that is that hard doing comedy? I'm like the fuck what are you talking about? You fixed a guy's brain, you know side of the road. Yeah, like something phrase it We've had doctors tell us we're at it. I was at a doctor appointment and he's like guy I can't imagine doing what you do. I'm like, right talking about it. I know like you save people's lives Hardly comparable hardly. No, not very much. Yeah. Well, you know, it's the grass is always browner Always looks worse on the other side. Yes God I had a heat brown this morning. Let's talk about the chili. I gotta give you this. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, yeah

Yeah, um, so the results by the way Christina did vote for deepak. Yeah, okay. Well, I like his books I want that that gupta. Yeah, I feel like It's got a great smile. He's a brilliant man. Yeah, and I feel like as a as a doctor He knows might be a little more than you know about what feels good. Yeah, you might feel like you know about this spot Have you tried this out? Yeah, and and like he is he's in You know no offense to deepak, but like, you know Sounds like that dudes and he's one of those like older dudes. You're like you're in like Too good shape. Yeah, like clothes hang real well on you. Yeah, you know, like when you see dr. Drew

Oh, he's so in shape. He's so ripped. Do you remember where we saw him in laguna? Yeah, we saw him shirtless. Oh, Shit at the pool. Whoa. Yeah, that guy's like yo cut up. Yeah, I was on Oh Loveline when I did mad tv like with with arden marine and him and I kept pitching doing a sketch Like you should come on the show man come like you're you're in a sketch Like jeans no shirt. That's your guy and you're like and he's just he's laughing and stuff, but I was like Dude, that'd be amazing. It would be amazing. Yeah, you know, that's a hard look to pull off. Yeah jeans are unforgiving You know what the other thing is about, you know, uh, drew

Probably go to too as as doctors and maybe just because I don't know whatever. Yeah, they like drew you would never know He always he never wears form-fitting. Nope. Yeah, always wears it like big so you can't tell. Yeah, sure I'm a fucking body. If you were form-fitting. You would never take him seriously. Yeah, like you'd come in and be like Listen, I'm just coming down off a meth a meth binge and I'm just glad you're here Can you change into something else man? Yeah, come on. You look like the guy that sells that shit to me Yeah, but don't you think deep hack would know like the boner chakras and the chakras? He would he know all your special Oh, Christina, you know that he would say something to make you love yourself so much. You just come

We need to touch you self-accept. You know, he would whisper it Christina. Oh, stop it. You remember my stepdad Stop it. Have you considered coming yet? Have you considered ejaculating here? Listen the the winner of that was Dr. Sanjay Gupta with 62% Yeah, why is nobody on my side today? I think we're just being uh, uh, just a little bit, um, racist. No more more, uh Just a face value. I think you know Sanjay's just a more handsome younger man. Yeah aesthetics. Yeah, a little superficial Do you pack chope or telling you to come do that?

Oh, Christina been stimulating not me tell it to gross for me. Matthew, I'm playing with your gland And you're going to shoot your white magic good now. Can I go rub one out right now? Oh, yes, of course you can Your white magic your white magic the white tigress. This is your chi and I will suck your energy out of you Yeah, yeah, I do That's gotta make a brown All right, and oh by the way for the uh listeners that ever want to vote Officially there is a link On the facebook page very important. Uh facebook.com

Slash your mom's house podcast Has a link to all the fill her up and seal her shuts And you can vote and it's tallied there and then it shows us who the winner is So go there now like the the fan page and you can vote. All right. There you go. Yeah Hi We mentioned We mentioned on Kill you. I love you on another episode that we needed something to officially mark

the time for the for the mid-roll break and Somebody, you know, I wanted to have some type of sound something and so we have we have more ads now So in an effort to split them up instead of doing all at the top We do two at the top and then the remainder in the middle. Sure. So here's the uh, this was submitted by A listener matt w That's not you. No, you're matt b Matt w submitted this mid-show break sound That coffee

I like it Oh That's great because it's the natural progression Wait a minute. It's the grinding of the beans. Right. It's the percolating of the coffee Yeah, I can't tell if there's a slurping of the drink But then it's it turns into what the percolation blends right into You the the the wet Browns you get after coffee. It makes me laugh every time. That's true. Let's go

Now listen math wasn't here for this but again, we have some results and since he's here Yes, why don't we just open his ears up for a second. Matthew. What are you here? Well, I'm all fucking know they show get nine round criminal time I don't even mean to butt me a big bubble boy, but If I ain't wrong yet Ain't no criminal bit What criminal criminal for kids family been wrong and begin roll Wow

Okay, okay, uh, you know Just by detective, uh, uh, you know ness as the term says Is that the dude who rapes dudes in prison? Seriously, and like, you know makes them put the the the lube on their feet grease on that's like to me That's like my your least favorite clip. It depressed me so bad. It's so it's yeah, uh, that really upsets christina a lot I don't like that one. Yeah, it's gross. It sounds like the same guy Like the same accent the same southern so I gave him the grease

No I tell him that What's wrong on his finger? Okay, no, he's a little this guy's a little more stupid in his ass And you know, I'm so kind of like fuck yourself to loosen yourself up. Yeah. Yeah, that's so it's not the same guy It's still a bummer, but I love where you're going. I love your logic. Okay, just to get it Is the guy talking about jail? Nope. No, he's not like he's talking about criminals. No, okay

He's talking about the most magical time of the year Oh shit He creamer time He's saying creamer time. He's in christmas christmas time. I love it. Can I hear it again? Of course, of course Well, I'm all fucking know they show getting out around criminal time Only mean to but me a bit bubble boy, but

Fang wrong. Yeah, ain't no criminal been What criminal criminal for kids family be wrong and begin roll Okay, now you think yeah, no, they're getting high on christmas time Uh, uh, I don't know what happened with the bubble boy thing. I don't know what that was in the middle there Uh, but he's like what christmas is no christmas around here christmas is for kids, right? Um Family's been ruined or been raw Is this in is it something about families pretty good. Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah Like I thought that was an actual progression of like him going from you know, there's christmas is for kids

And there's no christmas here. Like this is a real messed up area That was not his words those were his words. I'm not translated. I'm translated into yeah. No, it's pretty good a real messed up area We played this last week. We got so many people Giving their two cents about it. Yeah on twitter, especially a lot of tweets about it but we got this email from lasric edmund and he He he broke it down and I think he got it I think he got it pretty much perfectly. Um, let me set it up again. Crima time. Crima time. He doesn't even

Christmas. Ain't no crima. Crima crima time. Wow. Yeah, so this is what he says is being said ready. Yes All right, he basically said Motherfuckers know they sure get nice around christmas time. Don't they I don't mean to bust a bitch bubble boy, but If I ain't raw in you having sex without a condom If I ain't raw in you ain't no christmas, bitch What christmas christmas is for kids family Bitch is wrong and bitch is getting wrought. Wow

I think we have a wean pot dog. We have a weiner now I don't fucking know they sure get nice around criminal time I don't even mean to bust me a bitch bubble boy, but If I ain't wrong yet Ain't no criminal bitch What criminal criminal for kids family been wrong and begin wrong I think he got it. Wow. That's pretty incredible. That is. Yeah So, uh, thank you, uh, lasric and this is just someone you recorded on your street, right?

This is just straight right here and yeah, lovely hermosa. Yeah, that's actually um The uh, the great plies, you know, the the oh, yeah Yeah, I know plies. So he has an Reddible instagram account. Wow where he just records these 15 second videos. Oh man, and there there's basically just There's countless videos of him saying ridiculous shit They're like his aha moments with the Oprah, right? Like his spiritual they are his yes, they are his He makes a good point if you're not ronabitch. Why are you buying her stuff? Hmm. Is that the point of that? Well, I think what he's saying too is like

What's what's really what's Christmas? Yeah, it is for children. Yeah, you know See if this is the one If you walk in a motherfucker house right now and they still got that motherfucking crematory up Don't even worry about asking them about their motherfucking credit Because if they can't remember they take this motherfucking crematory down and it's all more february Ain't no way that they can remember to pay their motherfucking bills on time. That's pretty good Nothing wrong with that. That's pretty good But I I wonder about his assertion of walking up in someone's house and asking about their credit

I just don't know who does that It's one who comes in here and just like, you know And who has a full intention to just say ask someone like something that personal. Hey, what's your score? What's your credit score? Hey, do you have a lot of bills? Did you haven't paid? Uh, do you have a lot of pink slips and coming to the mail? You know, but they see this tree that's all Withered and brown and like y'all motherfucking March y'all some dead giveaways about doing number two acting like a motherfucking burglar

Clothing the door all the soft and shit looking all around when you come out to buy out them Soon the nigga look at you the first thing you holler. What ain't no motherfucking what smelling like a bit on I know exactly what he's talking about. I feel like I live that drama But I don't try to sneak around Man, I like when he talks about sex the most about that motherfucking head I'm gonna play the same game y'all female play bitch. Go to kissing on me. I'm Damn bet the lord she motherfucking go to lie. I'm gonna get Damn, they like a bit shocking me bitch. Like I'm sensitive than a bitch

Damn baked all the way till she get to that head Yeah, and okay. No, I know what she yeah, you know, I got it Yep Yeah, that's all there man. You know what I've been thinking about is that Becky thing from last week Oh, yeah, that's his song. Becky's the the white girl. It's interesting. Give me that Becky. I love how rappers so many rappers have like have like the the the mentality and uh the the the

thinkingly amazing Uh, uh outlook of a 12 year old or 13 year old. Yes, you know what you do In fact, when you're making out with a chick man, just act like oh my god. Oh, I can't take it. Oh, you know what I mean That you'll totally blow your deck. Yeah, yeah, it is like uh for sure for sure. Yeah, I like suck my deck I'm telling you now if you ever ask a motherfucker question and the first thing a motherfucker hits you bite with is Huh, don't believe shit after the huh more fucking line more fucking stolen motherfucking trying to get they lie together Act as you got a little carpet burn on the bite first thing she hit me with Huh, but some of these motherfuckers you can't even take a pad all of God and I swore

Little motherfucker jesson barrett the fuck out of me. I got the answer on this one too. We got a lot of yeah I got that one. So okay. So listen to this one the whole way through So, so, so yeah, yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So here we go Act as you got a little carpet burn on the bite first thing she hit me with Huh, okay, so this is for some of these motherfuckers you can't even take a pad all of God and I swore Little motherfucker jesson barrett the fuck out of me, bro I take more fucking to a little five star restaurant and people asked her what she wanted to eat They motherfuckers said

Sunlight some nuggets Get it. Hmm So something something like she's not just in the confidence to order. It's just something like some nuggets. Yes, that's that's what wow That was good. Yeah, that's what she was uh, that's what she ordered from the five star restaurant That was when it was the five star restaurant actually olive garden. Yeah Because no, no it wasn't it wasn't but he said you can't take girls Okay, you can't you can't even take them. Oh, yeah above and beyond olive garden much less Florida lee he took him to florida lee and then the waiters like when she was like, so something like some nuggets

You embarrassed this shit out of me. Yeah I hope he killed her She deserves it something like some nuggets. So, so, so what's wrong with nuggets? Nuggets is nuggets are delicious speaking of um, I love them treating a lady, right? One two three four normal women on the floor Respect respect respect Treat all women with respect. What you give is what you get treat all women with respect, I say Heads up guys. I'm talking to you life's not easy

So what you're gonna do step to the plate and be a man never hit a woman or abuse a child It's just wrong and illegal too. Someday it will catch up with you Times have changed domestic violence will no longer go down and be silenced Use your mind not your fist true love is full of bliss Keep your job. Stay out of jail. Control your anger and no more. She's like, don't hurt me No, she did she? Damn They're picking women up off the floor during the chorus. Oh my god

Jesus christ. Is this playing in middle schools? It's like this is no This is this playing when like like maybe we were in middle school or like our older brothers or you know, like this seems like 1986 it doesn't look like you're just like, you know, I think it's like Articles like, you know rap the beat of the streets. We're coming You think the guy has pretty tight flow this guy. He's really good. Yeah I mean, he rhymed a word with a word that didn't rhyme with it. Yeah. Yeah, you know Or a child or yeah It's like child with woman like something not nowhere near the song is treat all women with respect

He's like throw kids in there too. Just so people know Rhyme guys. Yeah Be a father it's okay to stay Father a child is just the beginning with child and mother in your life. That is winning Bond with your child and lead the right way. Give them your love. Give them your time Set a good example and share your life reverse the vicious cycle of abandonment abuse Know your child. Love your child and provide. She might be the next fiance or sally ride Oh, this is new. Oh my god

Oh my god That felt like that uh, Dave Chappelle sketch about the we have a got a new unreleased Tupac track y'all Like with your blackberries where he's like mentioning the shit that's that eat that's new now Yeah, yeah, couldn't believe he said Beyonce. Yep. My first thought was like was there a Beyonce back when I was in jr No, there wasn't. Yeah, it's pretty amazing, right? Wow This guy's pretty cool. This is okay when you get a look at him. You'll you'll know that he's pretty cool. Yeah, he uh Yeah, is he a dad? Do they look like a dad granddad?

Just like a dad bonery kind of guy dad dad bonery, but like older Like more more like he's a dad boner's dad. Wow grandpa boner. Sorry, uh, Carl's dad. Yeah Yeah, like he's he's definitely like some fridays are here, you know now How hard do you think he worked like when you talk about? How hard you've worked in your life when you've just been like, holy shit. I worked so hard today You'll make maybe you had like a 12 hour shoot Yeah, maybe you you know, you were waiting tables and that those those nights when you come home and you're back It's just killing you

You got like ass chafing from walking so much whatever Man, did I work hard? How hard did that guy work to put reverse the vicious cycle into this song? Yeah, he had that he had that phrase that turn a phrase first. He had to wrote that down This is let's Build the puzzle around this. Can we right can we do another take? That was take 219 reverse this vicious cycle Yeah, okay. No, let's go back guys. That's that's guys. That's that's let's let's break for lunch Let's break for lunch. These second bars had some more gems in them

I don't know if you know there was more than one line that didn't rhyme with anything in this Second go around so One two three four normal women on the floor Please they're saying normal women on the floor. I thought they were no more women on the floor No, that's no no no that because that's what I thought it was at first and I thought we're gonna hear some crazy sexist Party song normal women or not even sexist. I'm sorry. I thought it was gonna be something like like like a ha ha We're gay. Do you get it kind of bullshit? You know those old songs are just like what if a boy with a boy Hilarious, you know

Yes, there he is. Oh my god. There he is folks. He's so gross. It looks like uncle mussel Out there. Let me talk to you. It's okay to say no to men is still be cool Stand up for yourself and then decide what you're gonna do with your own life Use your brain and finish school. Don't fall for a guy who acts like a fool Y'all see the kind of man's going to care for you too many women have the innocent stone Repeating the cycle that must be broken Respect yourself and leave a man who strikes find a good man who will treat you right So he's talking about picking up women off the floor. Yeah, well, no more women getting decked. I mean, I think this was

Uh from uh, probably ray rice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like one of the thing of You know, stop doing that. Stop doing that. Stop knocking out the woman you love out cold It's so amazing. You know, though, I I am I am often You know, I don't notice that often I don't really care But like when I go to parties or I'm in Vegas so many unconscious women laying around Socked in this face. Is that right? There's just so many really my thing is I'm always like, can you just move these women? All right, they're like, look at this beef neck security guy. He can't pick her up and just push her over the corner Put her somewhere. I mean make sure she's safe. Don't let any weird predators come over

But I mean she obviously got mouthy. Yeah, so like her man Like so crazy. There's the idea of no more women on the floor. Like are there a lot Where do you hang out man? Are there just women laying on the floor from being this is an attempt at making a cool song Yeah, that'll appeal to the kids. Right. I like rat. Well, do you like this song? Well, that's the thing you wonder is like who does this really affect like do you think Does this help anybody? Ultimately anybody that no one know they're targeting would be like this is the fucking gayest shit ever It's no, yeah, it's just like it's just all his friends were like, I like what you're doing, Greg

I really like but I do like isn't it at least you try. Oh, yeah, he's obviously a Heard your song, Greg, but like But it is it's that it's that it's it's um Will Ferrell and Anna and Agassi and I are doing the uh the music teachers Right because her thing when they interviewed her about that, she's like there's always such a such a sincerity Yeah, whether like we can do this music Like you don't think I can do Beyonce

I can do it really well and that's why she was so ridiculous with her button to the neck dress and just yeah, you know Uh doing Sir mix lot or whatever. There's the sincerity there. That's what made it hilarious. Yeah And you know, this guy is just not even laughing at how terrible he is because he's talking about A very serious subject. Yeah, but it does the idea that comes across is like you like rap. Here's some rap Wait, oh, there's no such thing as good rap. I made a rap song Enjoy it kids and he gives out this CD He has he got like a thousand printed and he was here you got your kids like rap, you know

I heard that migos you listen to get rid of that listen to this Hey, and uh, don't be afraid to pump that in your car pump it. How do you get that way? I'd like to be that way like him. It's like I'm just great at stuff This guy's dick is out at the gym by the way For sure This is a confidence swinging. He's swing. He's the one drying his nuts by the ball When we're like behind the curtain going, I don't know if anyone here is gonna like my jokes This guy is going is handing out these

You know Cassettes not even CDs. Yeah to random black kids on the street. Yep. I'm the best guys. You're the best. Hey Hey black kids you like some you like some hip and some hop Enjoy that. Hey black come here. Come here. Do you like cool stuff slick stuff neat stuff? Yeah, you like that? There's just nothing better than that than that video. I just think it's the best I think it's like It it's one of those things it's like is he that much of a genius that he's like i'm just gonna just gonna be real creepy You know the thing is it's so creepy viral. It's so

Be every beat is so calculated. So yeah, it's the opposite of sincerity Right, that's what like if it doesn't read that way to you then I know something's wrong with you I think you're the way you read it. You gotta watch it. It's it's like watching one of his like let's say the thunder rolls Video, you know the song that ended domestic violence That uh that video but if you watch it in like you watch it in like high def Yeah, so it just looks like a play, you know, you watch like high def and you're like, yeah, everyone looks real It sucks, you know Just you're watching in high def and he's used to being the guy where everything's mass produced

And he sat down and was like, yeah, I'm just gonna I'm gonna play sincere I'm gonna play like I'm gonna play like a normal guy in a hotel room. Hey rent me a hotel room Yeah, so I guess how do you get those? How do you get a hotel room? Yeah, totally. Oh so good I like that. I really like that everybody posted that video and most people did not post Uh, uh, uh like a subject line anything you don't have to yeah, you put that video up people click it and go oh Oh, and here's the best part It's true. Here's the best part, you know when people are like garth your video has over like 20 million views and he there's no irony for him in it and he's like yeah, of course because I'm

Amazing like that like it wouldn't occur to him that he's corny and cheesy Yeah, and people are ironically enjoying it. Yeah, and here's the thing There are a lot of women who watch that and we're just like oh my stars That he is that is how I like a man to talk about isn't that one of those things too Where you're like there's two types of people in the world Like you either watch that and you have the reaction that you're supposed to have Or if you're like that's awesome and you're like what really what's going on in your head But that's how a star behaves honey, you know, like that's what she says

Just let that's that's how famous people get away with shit. Yeah, whether it's like look I mean think about it like freddie mercury everyone's like guys a fucking rock star Do you like gay people faggots fuck faggots? I love queen You know like wow It's that it's that that thing. I mean that to me that's the good version The bad version is this it's like and by the way, I just realized that's total vocal fry that he's doing That's the definition that when he goes listen listen to the end the last word here. I really like that. See how he goes Let's go go fry. That's exactly what they were talking about. Um, did you really like they

This this just depressed me like You know what I dick around online is like anybody and someone like Lindsay Lohan posted a photo of herself with like a crop top like with her belly showing and she's so skinny But then you look and she's in front of like they're like some little hotel Uh shampoo tubes and one of them's bending It's like like obviously she did her own photoshop. It's kind of like buddy. It's a bud. Come on. So like him doing Vocal fry in there It's like, yeah, dude. Come on, man. That's so sad. Yeah, it is. It's just she's so fucking

Oh my god, finally Think white and get serious And then we're going to watch it in dc to take back the white house Now it's time for tom or white white white white That's right guys. It's back tom or white Tom or white and this is this the straight up questions edition, right? Well, yeah I thought this would be a bit simpler now for those who haven't heard this game It was rooted in the fact that my husband I were on a vacation

And some holla notes came over the speakers and I'm like, do you know the song? And you said no who who are holla notes and it kind of started this thing in me where I'm like My husband doesn't have like working basic Like white knowledge of things and you're like, you just don't know shit about white. How are you? How do you not know things about white people? So I'm going to ask a series of questions and you too could chime in and um I guess we'll see who's wider. Yeah. Okay. I mean, this is already over. Okay question number one What are the first names of hall and oats?

John But then are we both just chiming in? I guess so. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how to do the secret do we buzz in or How about, you know, why don't you ask me first and then we'll see and then and then I'll clean up on everything. Sure. Sure. Okay. So first names of hall and oats. It's um, is it john? and uh Christopher Bart How many guesses are we gonna? Are those any of them? Two of them are right

Darrell Darrell hall and john notes. Okay. Didn't I say john? You said john, but not john right. I'm sorry. I thought you meant the three after Are any of those three right for all? No, I thought we were doing. I thought we were doing full name like full legal names. Yeah, okay So I was saying middle name confirmation name. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I got that one Okay, I got one right. You got half of one half right. Okay. Okay turn Hold on. Let me keep score Okay buns and then matt so you got half a point. Okay matt's got a full point. Okay. Okay. Uh, you've heard of burning man Yes

Burning man culminates in what event? In the burning of the all the stuff Of the burning of all the stuff Yep I think so in the desert With the cum everyone has sex there And they burn everything at the end. There's a big fire But they burn everything is your

They burn everything but the desert. Okay matt. Do you want to I think it's just they burn the man, right? They let the big burning man a fire. Okay. Also side note A friend and I were walking by yogurt land and I was just like my favorite festival is yogurt man It's a desert. It's a giant melting yogurt man That's so silly And it's like and then he was like it's nothing but just just fat older divorced women in the in the desert So mean I was like that's so mean yogurt man. I would go to yogurt man. I love yogurt man too You know yogurt land is amazing because it's as unhealthy as ice cream

But you fool yourself in a thing and it's not when you said That it's just all fat older women. It just makes me think Pride have hope you have a bright future and that's the real dope That's real dope. Matthew. That's you're right. You're right. I'm sorry get let me get those women off the floor All right, are you ready for number three? Did we get an answer on number two? Uh I'm sorry. Did we uh burning man culminates in what event right? No, not from wrong I just said like like the big man on fire the burning man. Yes, that is correct. Yes, you like you burn the man

I've never been but there's a man that you burn. It's like a straw man Not a real man. Not a real man. I got it right Thanks, dude. All right I like yogurt man. Okay. So number three Lollapalooza Was created by which famous musician? um, it was created by the um It's he's the lead singer of

of um You know the the stealing stuff in the fucking market song. Mm-hmm. And I can't think of is it bizarre the p Don't encourage. I'm at don't you any sort of asking you to start with me. I cannot encourage your answers. What why would I even Help you his name is this is about you bro. P his name is Penis and I'm sorry. What's the the song? You know, I got been caught stealing Okay, can you sing a little bit of it? Root root root root perfect

That was that was perfectly. That was the well. Definitely part of the song. Yeah. Okay, so You know that song, okay? What's the rest of it I mean, I I know the song I'm just I can't remember the words and I and I know the guy and you know the dog's barking everyone It starts the dog's barking. Yeah. Yeah, he started Lollapalooza And and his name would be He's

His wife's Asian. Are you gonna throw it to him first every time? Yeah, just because I want to watch him struggle It's gonna be about four hours Okay, um Matt Bronger your answer the Perry Farrell. Thank you. Wow. And I only know that because he Yeah, I like Jane's addiction a lot when I was a kid and of course he named himself that Out of the term peripheral. Yep Because he didn't want he didn't think anything like the album's called nothing shocking Like you should be able to just look at anything

But that doesn't make sense because peripherals to the side, right, you know, that doesn't mean anything He named himself like straight on or I don't know, right all in company. I'm directly in front of you. Yeah. Yes, you are No, that's my name Now real name is I don't know. So wait. Oh, I don't know Sherman. All right So bonus points, uh, since you got that correct, um on the white person festival What would you know the second festival that he started what would be the name of the second festival? Oh, short lived. What was that thing called? Oh, man, I'll give you I'll give can I oh, I shouldn't give hints. Oh

Give him any so. So yeah, right. Yeah. I barf. It was short lived And getting ahead, I don't Uh the Enid festival. Okay. I don't know if you ever get your life. Get your life Enid It was actually named after uh, his neighbor who was always screaming like turn them noise down into your hair and rollers Enid Enid and they did the whole festival in her yard. They bought all the houses around hers As he was really spaced out on drugs and he was like the aliens are gonna come down man The Enid festival was to welcome the aliens. Okay, how crazy and how about if I with you if you're if you you're just drugged out

And you're like we're gonna do this festival and you're doing it and you're fully you're doing the festival and you're like It's gonna happen Like this the aliens are coming in and they do and you're so jazzed and they just started Lasering everyone to death like just they use some of the wrong aliens. That would be the best festival ever to watch and not die at You'd be like, oh man Okay, ready? Yeah. Yeah Taylor Swift currently has a number one album. What is the name of her album? 1989

Okay, good work I guess I guess by default. I got it, right Ah the French Champagne Did I tell you that the Dan Harmon thing about that? No, we were talking about that clip years ago And about why we loved it so much and it's uh, you know, it's the greatest thing in the world But the the the whole thing of of uh, he had the funniest thing to me that was um, you know, the the first thing He doesn't do anything. Oh, yeah

You know, it's so great The first time he saw it he thought the guy went he thought or so well said just do anything Which is the most amazing thing for an actor to ever say not a commercial to a director In any any just do anything No, fucker. I gave you lines. You did just do anything just do anything Whatever you feel like Anything going on sourcing. Yeah, he just starts eating chili dogs from pinks takes the bottle and just cracks it over the guy's head And he's like clumsily

Fat fat fisted that fist punches the guy, but you would sell so much champagne. Yeah, I would buy the shit out of that So fucking high. She used to go to pinks and eat like 30 chili. What are you sure? Yeah. Yeah You seem so healthy in the arm. Fuck. Yeah, that's a guy that's just like Like, you know when you're like drunk hungry And you like you get out of your uber and you get out like a sack of toggle bell and you're like I'm a piece of shit. I'm kind of embarrassed done You're not in a public place surrounded by people and super famous and just Horking chili dogs. There's no way to eat a chili dog. So we're sober that looks like normal or whatever

You always look just got drunk. He's like missing his mouth just smearing just Full of red and pink chili Hey, how are those chili dogs? Exactly Most delicious Oh The self-loathing involved in that keeps winking. He's trying. He's trying to touch. He's trying to touch the sun He's trying to get some grow below. I'm under his fat belly while he's eating his chili dogs

My favorite part of the whole thing is when he points and his finger goes like across the bottle So It's like this is so good. You're like, jeez So good. Could you not drag your finger past the bottle when you point? Look, I I've had people go like well, I haven't seen you that drunk in a while kind of thing And then I'm like, yeah, okay, you know, but at the same time I was slurring. I was having a good time I wasn't falling over stuff right or trying to kiss people in the mouth or or or trying to make a commercial We're showing him to work like that. That's something I think that guy got so far in his life with people just going

It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Yeah, that he wasn't even aware. How about there's no way he was aware of how drunk he was There's a hundred movies with him where he actually did show up and goes just do anything and they're like, yeah Let's just make a movie but you do what you want. Yeah You guys just say your lines after I say what I want. Yeah Well, supposedly like John Wayne used to sometimes just be on set and just be asleep in the corner And they'd be like, all right, uh, we're rolling and he would get up and just Nail his lines and they'd go cut and you'd go back to sleep in the corner again He says lines like he just woke up a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is. It's very very hungover delivery

It's why he's always angry and punching people. Mm-hmm. That's really funny If I'm one more Texan So, yeah, thank you. You're a tough Yeah, just wake up actually still A little bit high from last night All right, how many more we got are you ready? Yeah, relax. There's just a few. All right. Okay. Okay Tony Hawk. Yeah is known for what style of skateboarding

freestyle Okay, skateboard freestyle park Ramp buddy one. Yeah one answer ramp up freestyle skate park Master X. Okay, go ahead map. I was always a more of a christian. No soy guy, but um I don't know half pipe riding, you know, yep and Uh, it's vert skating vert. You know piping You know bronzer is closer than you are because freestyle is different than

I would say you're correct and then it's like I don't know. I think freestyle is pretty. I don't know. It's not freestyle. It's all right. We're both wrong. It's very all right And by the way, did you hear that supposedly Dennis Rodman wants to take uh, uh, Seth Rogen to North Korea? Oh, that'll go well. Just to show like it's not bad. Come with me It's really a place that doesn't want Rodman ever again And a place that would no doubt no doubt kill Rogan upon arrival and broadcast it. Yes. Yeah All right, you ready for your next phone call? I heard you made a movie Yeah, let's go next one. Okay, Henry Rollins. Yeah frontman

Former frontman of which punk rock group very famous. Come on. You know, you know, Henry Rollins is of course I do So I'm at the airport a couple weeks ago Um, I forget the name. I really do. I know what what do you think it is just kind of I think it's called like Like a hammer or nails or heat rocks Hammer nails warhead warhead Okay Um, my burger black flag. Thank you. What? Last question

Okay, uh finish This song lyric. This is a song. I want you to complete the song lyric. Are you listening? I'm listening The other night I dreamt of knives continental drift divide mountain sit in a line And then They went up on the sign I'll sing it with a different cadence. Okay. Okay The other night I dreamt of knives continental drift divide mountain sit in a line No more women on the floor

Is that it? Okay, do you not know this? Oh, wait, say one more time. Say one more time. Matt's like itching. I know. I think I could be totally wrong though I don't think you are. Say one more time. Say one more time with that with that cadence Okay, right. The other night I dreamt of knives continental drift divide mountain sit in a line I forget I know this. Are you even white? It sounds familiar. Are you even white? Okay

Wood then it's dangerous. Okay, protect. Okay. Tell me. Uh matt go go. Is it institutionalized? No The other night I dreamt of knives continental drift divide mountain sit in a line lander at burnside. Oh, it's r.a.m. Yeah There you go guys matt is much wider than my husband. Thanks for playing matt. Get serious But is that a good it's not really a good thing to do Oh God damn it. Yeah, it's all right, though All right. Well, you guys got to get to your other one. Yes, so matt brunger is going to be a guest on that's deep bruh That is exciting. Matthew just one more time. First of all, thanks for coming over. Oh, yeah, deep

Thanks for having me. I'm as always is just I'm a big fan. This is one of like Six or seven podcasts I listen to that's it You know, I love that. I like that. I like that You're I still kind of like go through different, you know, I'm like, oh, let me try this one But it's kind of like never really sticks You know, that's because this is the best one. Yeah. All your jeans. No Oh, and uh, uh, I have a podcast too ding donger with matt brunger. I fucking love that title Do you know that I'll be I'll just be like doing something cutting something doing something random and I'll think

Ding donger with matt brunger. I just love the ring of that. It's just good and stupid the ding donger That right thief. Yeah, ding donger with matt brunger more most importantly. Make sure you set your dvrs for february 6th Uh midnight eastern nine o'clock On the west coast. Yes, sir for matt brunger comedy central big dumb animal the world premiere Make sure you check that out and I'm sure shortly thereafter the album will be for sale Yes, it'll be on vinyl and the digital release will be at the same time as the special. Okay. Tom. There it is Yep matt brunger everybody. Thank you matt. Thanks for having me guys. See you guys later. See you mommy What

Well, yeah, I thought it was implicit and my panic's called you There's turds on the ground What Turds on the ground there's turds on the ground Back up and out. Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah Yeah