Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Matt Fulchiron-178-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Hey yo, hey yo! Dawg, I'm sayin. It's real. This one is dope. We got new songs for dat booty. The Full Charge is here and he's got news: A new album has arrived! Be sure to scoop it! OMG Maria is back and she's got something to say when I propose that she quote porn for us. Where do the farts come from? We explore pretty girls and gritty dudes. This one is special cuz The Concierge is here and Maria drops it on us. We think you know who the MAIN Mommy is. Believe that!!!

Do not mind being in something where the word nigger is used over The n word right right right oh my god This is the lexicon of what we're discussing What am I supposed to say and word every time that anybody thinks the word nigger is used You can talk like they nothing and they do shit but there ain't really nothing You know what I'm saying? Oh do you know what I'm saying? Not for nothing but I just feel like you know

Big words Oh my god I am mortified Controversy, controversy You know what's really neat about doing a podcast is that you get every episode thrown back at you Yeah In the form of a ridiculous song You get hundreds of hours Big shout out to um

Pete Murphy Pete Murphy made that Thank you Yes And right now we got Matt Craig with his kangaroo song That's what this is So funny Well thank you guys

I'm so flattered by the n words Guys Atlanta are you in Atlanta Georgia come see me December 19th or 22nd at the Atlanta punchline That's an old school gray club It's probably one of my faves American comedy club You know history book It's amazing

And then if you're in the Washington DC area come see Tom Segura and I headline We're gonna co-headline New Year's Eve Yeah that would be awesome At the DC improv the 27th through 31st And then into the new year If you're in Anchorage Alaska I'm sorry First of all because it's cold as shit right now

I'm coming to you January 17th through 19th At Platinum Jacks comedy club Anchorage Alaska can you believe it Awesome Oh my god I can't wait Follow me on Twitter at Christina P What about you I'm just promoting our New Year's DC

It's gonna be great I'm bout it bout it I have a bunch of 2014 dates that I'll get to soon But right now there's just that There'll be a new bonus episode up within a week So we'll talk about that very soon But right now it's just that What about you Matthew

You're gonna wanna come see me in San Diego On December 27th at the Tipsy Crow Okay You're gonna wanna come see me at my favorite club Acme in Minneapolis, Minnesota That's the joint right there January 7th through 12th That's as good as it gets

And that's all I'm promoting Shout out to Louis Lee Because that's all I care about right now Shout out to Hong Kong The man Shout out to Hennepin Ave Shout out to downtown Minneapolis Word

One love Wow The show took on a very different tone Oh no Oh no What's up This is a big, this is gonna be a big fun exciting episode We're really pumped about it

Matt has some big news Oh yeah We'll get to that in a moment How bout we open this show up For real proper like You guys ready? Yeah Theo's hiding his phone

It's so cute Alright here we go I want you to say No say honestly Honestly It wasn't until It wasn't until They were like

They were like You have two in you You have three in you I have three in me Yeah you have two in you You have three in you You have two in you You have three in you

But I was like Whoa That was like I'm proud of myself I'm proud of myself What the fuck am I talking about What the fuck am I saying I'm dying so fast

What do you think you're talking about What do you think you're talking about I have no If you're talking about Cocks it's disgusting But not me I'm talking about that If you're talking about

Cocktails it seems more reasonable But I'm a little confused This shit is big time Who is Randy Don't bring anyone loving to this Oh my god Don't burn me in the fucking sand

Welcome Welcome Welcome to your mom's house With Tom Segura And Christina Pazitz And Christina Pazitz Welcome to your mom's house Oh my god

That's genius Yeah That might be the best thing I've ever heard in my entire life Oh we got a whole phone call With Maria coming up Oh my god And that was your sister

Who's that That was hate's giving Okay I thought so Yeah yeah yeah Hate's taking It's so much fun It's so much fun What we have going on with her

But here's the big news This episode It's the big news It's the big news It's the big news It's the big news It's the big news It's the big news

It's the big news It's the big news Here's the big news This episode Our dear friend And regular on the show Matt The full charge

The concierge A.K.A. Your baby's daddy Yeah Your baby's daddy Nice to meet you Bacon and cheese on that burger Oh

Matt has a new album Yeah How many albums Finally hit Airwaves It's here Yeah It's available on iTunes

Is it also available On another site? It's available everywhere Amazon.com I put it through CD Baby So it's on CD Baby too We have a lot of listeners that use CD Baby Okay

So you can get on CD Baby You can get on iTunes You can get anywhere you can buy Wonderful music What's your website? Full charge The fullcharge.com You can find it there as well

So you can get it all there It's highly recommended We really, really want you guys to get this And where did you record it? I recorded it at the Tacoma Comedy Club Tacoma, Washington It's called This Is the Part of the Job I Hate This is the part of the job

Of course Yeah, Tacoma Comedy Club I've done that club Yeah I enjoyed it Yeah, it was fun Was it a good time? It was like

Actually, the best show I got Which is rare for me I got it early Saturday Yeah So there's a back and forth Like, they laugh the hardest But they're also the confused the most Yes

Hence, this is the part of the job I hate It's fucking killing Losing them, getting them back Yeah Wash rinse, repeat It's a real comedy job Yeah, yeah, yeah Great

Yeah So you didn't like piece together different It sounds like you went for one show I taped two shows But this is the one that really I like that I used one from the late show called Track Six, Unwanted Interlude

It's just me kind of fighting with people I see that I think people really appreciate that rawness To comedy That's why they go out to sea standup, right? Yeah, I think so So it's nice that you've left that On the CD

I'm forgetting who it was Was it Geraldo? There was some CD of his Where you can hear the waitresses Checking people out And you can hear the credit card machines running Towards the last 15 of his set When they drop checks

Just tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic And he left it in And I thought, well, isn't that wonderful? That's what people really want to hear, right? Right The blood and the guts And that's really cool Yeah, yeah, yeah

Well, good Feels good, right? It's time And look at that CD cover Holy shit, man May I press play on something or no? Yeah, dude You know, I hit track four

That's probably the best one This is gonna be the sample right here, right? Okay, yeah Let's see Now, to the age two Where all my friends are married And they're jealous of me Which is dumb as shit

They're like, dude, you're so lucky You can have sex with anybody you want to No, I can't You have to agree to it first Otherwise, it's a huge, huge crime Put me in jail Or I don't have to agree to it first It's all, you know

You don't want to get involved My friends say that my friends are so stupid They're like, dude, if I was single like you I'd be getting so late every night No, you wouldn't, dude I knew you before you were married You found one person that would fuck you And you made them sign a contract

Nope There you go There you go Why are you pretending in front of me? So silly That's about right, dude That's the business Check out what I'm doing right now

I made white people laugh like black people Did you hear that? I am That's good It's daunting to record an album Because, you know, that's the finality of that bit Yeah, no, that's it That's just like

Moving on, I suppose Yeah We'll see you in ten years Yeah, oh my gosh You're a guy who, like, I bet a lot of people Probably didn't even know that you didn't have something Like, you don't have an album out? No, because I've been around forever

And I've done crazy bullshit albums years ago Just to have something to sell after a show But I've never done an official release before This is a long time coming So why now? What made you decide to go for it? I don't know, I'm a smart guy But I'm kind of spacey I'll just fucking miss out on key things

Like recording an album But honestly, I feel like I'm now finally ready to release a headliner set To be quite good with you Good for you It's a good thing to get to Because I had a lot of short jokes She was forever Happening right now?

Yeah It's downloading Kaboom I purchased the album And everybody out there listening highly encouraged you Go on iTunes, go to CD Baby Go to Matt Folchron This is the part of the job I hate

Thank you, Tommy I appreciate that Support our jeans here Get the album, you're gonna love it So it feels good to have it out It is, and slightly nervous But mostly good Yeah

You know, I'm getting good reviews If you didn't feel slightly nervous I think that's a problem Sure I think you should always feel slightly nervous Yeah, you're sociopathic Right I mean, you know

This is like the product of you Doing this, what you do for years and years And you picked one show But this is stuff that's This is through blood, sweat and tears Oh, buddy Forget it For sure

And money spent, too Absolutely Of course Absolutely But that's why it's such a wonderful product And people can buy it and hear all of that in it It's not just some jack-off doing bullshit You've really worked

No, I have And I feel like it really came together I didn't feel like it really came together Until I found the title for it Which I found when I was working with you guys in Burbank Oh In November Yes

That's something that pops into my head Every time they call my name This is the part of the job I hate Which is the only part of the job So it's kind of a fucking negative thing to say Wonderful There's the humor right there That's really good, man

It's really good Yeah, good for you, Full Charge I'm so proud of you I'm psyched, man It's wonderful It is great Guys, Matt's brought you a lot of laughs And a lot of love

Mm-hmm You love his denim as much as you love ours Yeah, yeah, I'm wearing a denim suit You can't see it You can't see it But I'm wearing a denim suit In the recording All jeans

All jeans All jeans Of course Matt, Matt We all go way back in the wayback machine Oh, yeah You're the original pair So great

So it's good It's good to see So, so great Yeah Do you know that we had a bunch of stuff last week? Where were we? We went and we did San Diego Right

It was awesome Ridiculous Oh, my God What'd you guys do down there? Downtown, what'd you do? The American Comedy Company Oh, okay, yeah, yeah I've been there

So great So much fun Yeah So many jeans came out Do the fans wear jeans? Sometimes Acid wash Sometimes

If they want a seat You're not allowed to watch our show if you're not wearing them Yeah, it was pretty amazing Them's the rules Yeah First rule of mom club No one talks about mom club Absolutely

What are you looking for? One of the things we didn't get to do in our live show Oh, okay Was this audio of the worst tattoo customer ever Oh, yeah, I love this So I figured we would share it this episode This is from Booger Magician He sent us a link to a bunch of these

I'm glad you gave him a shout out At Booger Magician on Twitter At Booger Magician That is a great handle Yeah I like that one and I like at Shart Stories That's probably my all time favorite These are Twitter handles?

Yeah Hiding from my wife is probably Mitch, yes Hiding from my wife I like Shart Stories because it implies there's a lot Yeah I like hiding from my wife because it implies It's really great branding

You hear that, you're like that You just started a fucking brand It's a whole spring, dude Yeah Really good So I love this audio because you can literally feel for both sides Like you feel for... You understand what's going on on both sides

And you also understand that this woman She's getting a tattoo in a tattoo shop And you understand that it's uncomfortable for her But you also understand that the guy is sick Of her fucking shit, you know what I mean? Of course, yeah So here's... Wait, wait, wait, I can't take it

Ouch! Ow! Don't move Ow! Ow! Wait, ow! The door, it hurts I mean, that screaming is really crazy

It's the sound of sobriety Yeah, exactly Exactly It's a lot, it's a lot She sounds thin too She's getting a tattoo on the middle In the right in the middle of her back Okay

Upper area, but right in the middle Yeah It's not like... It's not amateur fucking tattoo time It's on bone, that's why it hurts It's going over her spine And I think it looks like it's pretty decent size It's not like, hey, do my wrist, I've never had a tattoo

Or something, I mean, this is kind of advanced This is what it feels like Yeah, it's fucking marvellous Next time you move, you're going to mess up your tattoo So he's trying to be... He's like, if you move, you keep moving and screaming But to her credit, to his deficit You don't tattoo people that are drunk

I think that's a law, isn't it? Like you're not supposed to Wait, are you suggesting she's drunk? I think she is She's suggesting it Okay, okay, okay Ow! Ow!

Wait, wait, wait I can't take it You don't mess up her tattoo Has he even started yet? It's killing me, it's killing me Oh, God! Easy! Ow!

Ow! I mean, it's like she's getting attacked You get the idea that she should be at the dentist And not the fucking tattoo parlor Right, yes They're actually drilling a hole in the tooth right now But they numb you at the dentist Don't you think they should have invented something on skin

That they can numb the skin before they do? Probably the reason they don't do that I'm sure, yeah Sounds like someone has her priorities off Sounds like she should be at the dentist Spend her money there Then maybe go to the tattoo parlor You can tell all that by...

I can tell that I can tell all about that There are no teeth blocking that fucking scream No... It's coming straight out of a mouth Here we go Okay, you gotta do a little more time Because I can't...

Ow! Come on I can't help it It is heartbreaking You gotta call it a game There's not a lot of teeth in this situation The problem, too, is that he's trying to be... He's like, if you keep moving

Your tattoo will be screwed up I can't help it, man He's trying to reason with the unreasonable That's why it's a fail He's missing some teeth, too A few, just like three or four It hurts! You jerk and move like that

You just think about that Okay, that's fine You're gonna put some scribble on your back You're gonna piss off I got a new video that you don't want to act right Don't move anymore Oh! You're gonna have to go a little...

A little bit at a time That's someone's life That's a person Jesus Christ I'm so happy to hear that scream No, I got none I had one tramp stamp that I did Yeah, but it says, like, come right here

Okay, alright In my defense, it was... It was 1990, I don't know It's a different world back then There's some people that don't understand about the tramp stamp And I will defend you It wasn't a tramp stamp It was a free range, like, oh my God

You're a white person, you have a tattoo It was free range, very exciting Lollapalooza, Jane's Addiction, Nirvana That's what it came from, right? That's what I did it That's before the tramp stamp was officially a tramp stamp Right Now, once we move into the 2000s

Once W becomes president Once we get a little more hip To the fact that everybody that has a college education Has one Well, there's a lot of whores at the beach That have them, and it just gets applied to that There you go I mean, you kind of got one in the era where there's like

A lot of rules of the road Alright guys I know a dude that has a tramp stamp That's the worst It's unforgivable You guys know him too, and I'm not going to say who it is Really? But we were all chilling in a hotel one time

And he took off his shirt and went to go take a shower And he had a goddamn tramp stamp I know who it is, I know who it is It's ridiculous That's ridiculous, don't you think it's ridiculous? I was like, I wanted to make fun of him But I felt so bad for him That I didn't say shit

I've seen elaborate ones on guys too Oh yeah? You better work out if you're a dude with a tramp stamp You better hit the gym for three hours a day Crazy, right? I mean, you're only going to break even if you do that But if you're not sexy Yo, God help you

It's crazy Well, and here's my dilemma now As a 37 year old grown ass woman You're talking about Sickler, right? Yes, no, I'm not I know who it is Wait, what are you going to say about yours? Okay, so here's the thing though

I'm at this crossroads where I'm 37 I'm too old to have a tramp stamp And it's so lame, it's like a Chinese dragon It's so lame It means beauty I did it on road rules because we all got tattoos together It's like a thing And do I get it reviewed?

Oh, the rules of the road What do I do? Do I remove it or do I add onto it And make it cooler? No, you don't It's over, Johnny No, no Wait till you're 50

She wants to get fuck you money If we make a lot of money On her knuckles And then put a barcode up top And you can just scan it and pay for everything Fuck you Scan me Joey Diaz told me this weekend

That if he were a Jew He would have a big star David Magallion that hangs from a chain That says fuck you in it I was a Jew, I would have a fucking big star David said fuck you I'm a Jew I like how he's thought about this and knows this

And there's no hesitation Here's something you should know about me If I were someone else This is who I would be You spent the whole weekend with Joey Diaz I made a huge mistake

It's the first time I've ever worked with him And I ordered some buffalo wings And they're like blue cheese or ranch And I'm like ranch And he's like what the fuck are you doing Ordering ranch And I'm like yeah, you know, fucking ranch I like ranch, you know, the whole thing

And I just kept digging deeper and deeper I kept going everybody loves ranch He's like who the fuck is everybody I don't like it And one of those rules is Is blue cheese or go fuck your mother Those are your choices But that's someone American

You're thinking in your mind Right There's rules, there's also for a long time He wouldn't accept text messages That's still going on I didn't know all this stuff going in If you text him It's gotta be because there's five figures

Involved at least At least five figures involved Or like It's a real For whatever reason you're texting in an emergency A real emergency I'm like yo Joey I texted him this $20,000 to do a ranch commercial

Yeah That would be accepted I texted him one time And I included him on a group text Oh my god He's like I'm gonna stab you If I fucking see you I told everybody to stop

Everybody kept texting And then Duncan was like Guys, guys, guys That ended it We all stopped texting I did notice though That whenever I did text him I would immediately get a phone call

Yeah, yeah Which I respect I don't blame him either He doesn't get it I agree it took me a long time to get used to text Remember the first time you got a text So what the fuck is this Did it ever happen to you

How is this Who wrote this My fucking blue phone Dude that was the best 2010 was crazy ABC Do you remember how exciting it was to just be like Meet me at 8 here

And then you could like I just fucking Set something up with this And for a while too it didn't count As legitimate communication It was like you could text somebody something And if they didn't respond It was assumed they didn't get it Now it's like I texted him

And he didn't write me back So he's ignoring me That's true There is There's two things that still happen With an iPhone Afterwards you look and it says not delivered With an escalation point

And you go oh shit that didn't go through There's also the one that actually is more prevalent Is you go to the text And you see your text written And you didn't send it Like it's still in the space Where you typed it And it's like 8 hours old now

And you're like why did the shitty text go through Where I tell them off But now there's no excuse Well I'm saying those two Those are the only excuses Those are the real things that actually happen But now there's no excuse If you hit send it's send

If you did hit the send You're gonna get at worst the not delivered message Right? But you're gonna see that And know that you didn't send it Oh my god do you know what's the worst Is where you have that setting where you can tell If they've read it or not I don't have that I don't want that

I don't want that either My dad and I have it But my dad always answers me But I don't have it with anybody else I don't even read half my facebook messages anymore Oh I never did Yes They've upped it to MySpace standards

I don't think I would have gotten a relationship With my last girlfriend if there wasn't The red on red feature on MySpace Because I would read her messages And be like oh she can tell I read it So I'd write her back So it went back and forth more frequently Than if I would have just been e-mail

For say Interesting I think your ex girlfriend checks on you Because you're somebody that you can look up And listen to No I wonder Yeah

And you're real Yeah I mean I've only dated I would say like There's only like two psychos in the mix That could potentially That's a lot of psychos for one life Jesus

But that's how it goes Total psycho Somewhere in the mix Alternate psycho Come on you've never dated psycho checks Oh of course They're called women I never had like

Long term relationships with them That's right you never had relationships It was just a second You just got Cigarette bitch Here's your bus fare You're crazy I was thinking about it No that's true

No I heard the story No Tom told us About how he just dropped it in her Dropped it in her, dropped it in this one Thank you Matt, thank you for recapping It's all on tape you can listen back if you want Yeah it's on different episodes Let's see how this tattoo

Incident ends You can't be moving like that girl You're fucking your tattoo up Don't be grabbing on my damn legs Wait just a minute If you're going to get persnippity Persnippity What happens is on this one

She's getting her back tattooed She reaches back and grabs his leg Squeeze like oh that hurts And he threw in don't be grabbing my leg And she was like whoa If you're going to get persnippity Don't get persnipping around messing up your tattoo It's on your back

It ain't on my back It's on your back Jumping around Acting all crazy That's on you I'm his boss What are you going to tell him He's not going to finish your tattoo

You can sit there and stay still And get your tattoo Sit there This is why Alcada was formed I would not want that guy to finish my tattoo But she's also Unbearable You don't do that

That's tattoo etiquette From what I know from my bitchin' Tramp stamp Did you take it like a man It's poor form to make a scene The guy that did mine Had a scorpion on his face And he didn't look like he cried ever

Except for that one tear drop He had tattooed by his eye You don't do that No knuckle tats You don't want me Let's say we just have so much money You sell us a comm And it's syndication

I don't think that's what We should be walking around with Can we just get you a chain that says that Something removable I like knuckle tats I like how they look Why don't you go This is a compromise

A gold grill piece for your teeth Fuck you up top We'll get rid of it And more people will see it Will this be cash or charge It's a really good idea Thank you Matt You tell me fucker

None of you are ready for this shit Oh my god Oh my god Seriously Oh my god Take your fucking scissors Put your fucking monkey hands Cut the box open

Oh my god, seriously I'm so excited for this I can't believe it This is um It's a long time coming We haven't had Maria on in a while Right, I know, I'm so excited Christmas, early Christmas

Yeah, so Just so you know what we're referencing If you're a new listener If you've forgotten An audio drop we've played before in the show From an An adult performer Honestly

It wasn't until And this is like This goes for almost all the moments in the scene It wasn't until somebody was Actually there telling me You have two in you Or you have three in you That like it actually kind of clicked

And I'm like oh my god this is actually happening I'm proud of myself I like how she calls it a scene Like it's some kind of player or some shit But do you see like a fine wine How every time we play that clip We extrapolate more and more meanings And full charge just found another layer

Of course, thank you So fantastic So I talked to my sister Mabria Mabria Haven't talked to her in a long time Had her on the phone Today

I think it was today It's been a while Since I talked to Maria After a little bit of a Dirty and disgusting After a little bit of a Chat about our lives I got her right into this

That's great Repeat this back to me Say this for me Say honestly Honestly You're not saying it Honestly I want you to say

Honestly Honestly It wasn't until It wasn't until They were like They were like You have two in you You have three in you

I have three in me Yeah, you have two in you You have three in you I'm gonna throw up, I can't You have two in you, you have three in you But I was like, whoa I was like, whoa I'm proud of myself

I'm proud of myself What the fuck am I talking about What the fuck am I saying My face hurts Why are you so funny What do you think you're talking about I have no... You're talking about cock that's disgusting

And they're not even talking about that You're talking about Cocktails that seems more reasonable But I'm a little confused What are you talking about? This is not something they're putting public Okay, what do you think

How can it be cocks? What do you mean cocks? I don't know, it just sounds like something I feel like it's terrible what you talked about I know that something that Jeff Bosch is on View porn sometimes Because you know the girls are like two or three cocking them Discussion because he leaves it on the fucking iPad Okay

So, she's talking about Her husband, of course Leaves the computer screen open with Three, like fuck it Who finds this I live alone, I fucking close that window And change my history We want to do this game for our show

So I tell her why I'm having her say stuff I like how instead of She still uses the words cocks In the alternate thing she wants it to be She still says cock She doesn't say drink, she says cocktail Exactly, it's still cock

She's already thinking about her husband Watching this porn and she stops Paying attention to talking to you Where basically We've all decided Christina and I and the listeners Like that you sound very much Like the way porn stars sound when they talk

So what we want to do Is play audio of you talking And then play audio Of porn stars talking and then Have people decide Which is you and which is a real porn star What do you think her reaction is? Not good

Probably not cool with it Not good Oh my god I love the game She never sounded more like a porn star I mean I love the game Are you serious? I love Maria so much more right now Bring on the cocks

I already liked her and now I love her more What's weird is that I start asking my sister To say pornography things Love it You love it? I love it Love it I got it

Okay So can you say My that's a big cock My that's a big cock Okay Say Um Quit debating just put it in there

Quit debating just put it in there That's really Okay Say Oh my god like wow it's fucking huge Oh my god it's fucking huge Perfect That's one of your better ones

She's really good Say I've never had A black one before Say it like you would say it Oh my god I've never had a black one before Yeah that's really good Say Blast my fucking face

Blast my fucking face Blast my fucking face Blast it Blast Blast my fucking face Blast my fucking face What the fuck am I saying What the fuck is black my fucking face

I don't want to be beat up Blast it Blast my fucking face Is it black Blast my face Okay now say Yeah, I'm gonna fart all over your fucking face What

Say yeah, I'm gonna fart all over your fucking face Yeah, I'm gonna fart all over your fucking face Wow And then now say Just sit over me and shit on my chest Sit on me and shit on my tits I can't do that shit Why

Why Because if I knew it would ever come out of my mouth I don't know what to fart I can't say that You can say that Sit On my fucking chest and shit Sit on my

Just come over here and shit on my tits Come over here and shit on my tits That was really good I have to make sure that people know That this is for listening purpose For game purposes, I'm not actually asking people to do this to me I'm even mortified On the sport

Things I've actually requested to be shit on my tits I can play this audio on the show Right, all this stuff They were talking about Yeah Yeah, as long as people know that this is strictly for the purpose Of a game Not that I actually want to be shit on my tits

No, I'm saying You don't want to have To get shit on your chest I don't want to be shit on my chest I don't fart on people's faces And I don't want to be blasted in my face I mean, this is like

Oh my god, it's your sister I didn't think she would react as well When I said what the game was I thought I really was Absolutely not, absolutely not And you thought maybe you could get one past the goalie I thought I could get one past the goalie And I was really looking forward to her being

Upset about the idea of the game I thought that would be good audio Her upset is the best So did you Have these shit on my tits things Prepared or were you just trying to get her upset at this point I was trying to get her upset I was trying to think of things

May I suggest one to have her say next time Give me my reward Right Give me my reward That's fucking crazy dude Yes, what is Give me my reward The cum dog

I want all the time Give me my reward I want to see all the cum on my face So I can lick it up What is something a real woman would never say Stupid horse for $300 Oh my god That's so true

I guess Maria's son farted in her face What? She tells me right here I was just changing the diaper And he bends over like you know kids do And he just rips one in my face And he was fully aware of what he was doing He was fully aware and vaguely hysterically

Like I just farted in my mother's face And it stunk It's full blown, stinky baby fart In my face That's pretty cool That was disgusting I'll play you saying all this though All this stuff

Okay Hey, so how was your Thanksgiving Because I didn't get to ask you about that Oh my god, that was wonderful We did just the two of us In pajamas, I made duck And we just hung out It was very super chill

We went to the museum We avoided any drama Any travel, anything Nice, nice, really nice Were you in Hawaii for Thanksgiving? We were in Hawaii Okay Did you do like a Thanksgiving dinner?

Yeah, we did a traditional dinner Did you guys Did you talk about Dominicans or Puerto Ricans when you had your Thanksgiving dinner Or no? You know, we did We actually did talk about A little bit about our last Thanksgiving

And there was one thing we were thankful for And I can't remember what it was There was a couple inappropriate things And Jeff has a list of things That he's been dying to call you That he's made fun of me for I would love to know that Yeah, I mean, he's got a whole new series

He's like, I know he wanted to call you But there's no series for Jeff and Christina To make fun of you about My friend that was at HATES giving That you came to is coming over So I know that he would love to hear Yeah, Matt, yeah, you remember Matt Oh, fun

Call Jeff, call Jeff Call him and congratulate him And ask him if he wanted to call There was one thing I was like, absolutely not You're not calling Tom and Christina because I know But you can call him And he'll be able to tell you what it was But there were some things

That we were super thankful for That are totally racist and inappropriate Um I'm going to go in the shower She feels filthy Okay, thanks for saying all that porn stuff Maria, I love you Bye-bye

So are we talking Are we talking about HATES giving now? Because for a while we weren't Oh yeah, we could talk about HATES giving I'm trying to remember, it was two years ago And she was just really spouting off About Puerto Ricans, right? And Maria's defense, she was very

Pregnant and very angry And very drunk Yeah, sure She was When she worked at one of these jobs She went to Puerto Rico And When she was working in hospitality

Hotel restaurant management And she She had to train people She said that like The worst experience ever Was trying to Do like the American training method To

The local Puerto Ricans She only said that about 10 or 11 times She didn't say I think we get to bring it up One time in a conversation with her I don't know if it's that specifically But something like that, you worked at a number of The last place that I know in New York that you worked at

Tavern on the Green There's a lot of Dominicans and Puerto Ricans working under you at that one Was that that one? No, oh my god, no Thankfully no Thankfully no Thankfully No holds but it doesn't care

Right Amazing I don't want that I just want the topping part Like you put whipped cream on as a topper And that's for a lot more whipped cream But you're going to charge me for a fucking latte too You have to push the button for the whipped cream to come out

Now it's out of latte Because she had to push the fucking button This is Dean Milk She decided, oh, it's Dean Milk She said Oh, it's a latte And I know I don't work at Starbucks But I think I frequent there enough to know

You definitely frequent it enough to know This is why Starbucks employees always look sad Yeah She's so bad She's terrible Well, okay, but you know, she is You know, when you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican What can I say? She does have a

Small baby at the time of this interview She's probably sleep deprived A little cranky as anybody would be Maria is the fucking best, man. I love Maria She's awesome She's just, you know She's Maria She's dirty and disgusting

She has her point of view on things It's so funny, man You should do a sketch where she's running for office And you ask her a bunch of political questions About races and stuff and have her answer That's a good idea I'm really going to break down Let's get this audio together

For the porn or Maria girl Yeah What we have to do first is we have to pull The porn audio first So we know what's a match Right And then have Maria say it But do the clips that we have on the show

Like the come dog And you've got to have a guest on who doesn't know anything about this Anything about anything, yeah And then what's the question? Who's the real porn star? Who's my sister? Which is my sister? That's it Which is my sister

Blast on my fucking face And anybody who does songs out there Make a song for Tom and Chris Can you guys make a which is my sister song Which is the porn star, which is my sister A jingle And throw it in there

Somewhere You know what we have to do too is Like that audio The farting stuff My fart it Oh my gosh Do you know that porn That where girls fart

And then the whole thing is to act coy About it like I can't believe I just farted in your pain That's whole genre Come on my mouth Fuck my fucking hands Fuck my fucking face Maybe not that You're never going to get her to recreate that one

No Grab the listerine before I ask you this next question I think this has the girl in it Now it's a different one Where are the girls doing it You remember the girls Which one boo boo The girls

The girl farting video Right, the oh my gosh Where that's from Where is it from I don't know the name of the porno Well it's not a porno That's stuff they don't use A-listers to do The fart in your face porno do that

That's like entry level shit right Yeah yeah that's There's no terrapatric Fart in your face videos She's sophisticated It's on this There it is There we go

There we go Oh my god This really gets guys motors going A lot of you We had a listener right in about Where the attraction comes from He said it's about The fact that

The whole thing about Girls don't fart It's taboo I'm very comfortable with girls Don't fuck you that easily The funny part is There's tons of porn where they can pretend They're into all this sex

They're having a hard time making a face where they look like they're alright Farting on camera I don't know I'd be okay with it man Every expression reads To college This one doesn't even violate youtube's This is on youtube Yeah this doesn't even violate

Their agreement Wait a minute you mean to tell me That a girl doing a fetish fart Video makes it but king Assripper our lord and savior He's back on youtube Well finally that's quality He started a facebook page

I don't know if it's him or somebody that just copies his shit But he's got the name But it's a photo of him on facebook And he's like I'm back on youtube And his youtube His youtube.com Slash king assriptor 69

This is on the front page of USA Today That's really gross Well here's the best one coming up babe You can't even tell Oh my gosh I can't take it anymore You can't even tell if they're doing it again You can't tell if they're really doing it

She's really farting That was real do it again can you make it play again She impressed even herself She's the all time great Oh my gosh It's the best I'm dying Her smile gets bigger as the fart goes on

What does she look like She can't believe it She's not bad she's a brunette She's a cute little short chick That clip right there Got us our most popular song No kidding They got us this song

You're gonna die I'm gonna throw up again It gets better wait for it Hi Oh my gosh That's not bad I mean He made the fart hit on a beat

It's like an industrial song It's beautiful It's really amazing I just love the whole yeah mom I met this girl She's really great Check her out She's genuinely If you watch this video of her

She's genuinely Surprised by that fart I don't know I don't hear that If you see her face It goes for a while she's cool I'm cool with this fart Then she starts to smile She wants to say oh my gosh

She wants to say it right in there She's like I gotta see how long this goes for And she looks up at the guy like I wasn't expecting that We got it we can break for lunch after this Stop And afterwards after she says that She's all happy

And then she goes into dumbfounded We got it we fucking got it We captured that Everybody go You can break for lunch at least You know what I love about the song Is that it sounds like a front 242 song Or like an industrial era

Like that industrial music It's so perfect But it's about a girl farting for free On the internet Oh my gosh I mean this video has 342,000 views That's it I mean there's another one here

Deserves more Oh is that a fail That's a fail compilation The bloopers on these are terrible This is a fart This one here is a fart one YouTube Gosh she's hot

Yeah she's hot What's going on guys I can't see it She's trying to get in position It's the worst smell coming out of the cutest ass you've ever seen What is she in doggy style Yeah doggy style basically Cut off jeans

I think you should lay on your left That's when I always fart Thank you that's true I can verify that That was a baby fart right there She's not cut out for this Amateur hour Come on sister Oh these are real little

I can't even hear it There's nothing They're trying to pass this There's a real one This is a fail You can't fix this in post Thank you That's what the guys like

I think I could do these so easy I swear to god It pays less than stand up I don't know if it does God damn it I mean I could do an audio one I don't want to do a visual

Maybe you already put this idea out there and people were like Look it up Well I have been farting a lot in the last few episodes Which makes me the main Hairy and gross Farts even bigger See I do like the girls better

If I have to pick He's See the king said he's back On youtube This is his youtube page I don't know man It's all there again On youtube

Did he get yanked off? He has to go to live league Let's see Which sucks Is this under adult content or regular youtube? 24 videos On youtube now This is the king

It's not just one thing It's many nuance Not to mention Matt We're talking about This is the king We don't want to hold the lighter at that show Hey now This is the king

This is a pretty big deal Every time I come here I learn like eight new things Do you want to cover today's? Yeah There's fart videos On youtube That's one

There's hot chicks doing it That's two I don't know I've been drinking My sister sounds like a porn star We kind of already knew that one Wow You have a new album out? That's a surprise

Christine is the main mommy Did you know that? What? I'm the main mommy We've had a little bit of an argument going Who's the main mommy? I was surprised when I showed up To do the first

My first podcast with you guys That you were a mom too And that I was an unofficial mom Just for coming in the room I was surprised What is this argument based on? Facts Knowledge

Wisdom Mommy isn't gender related We've already discovered that Just those are the rules That's how this whole thing works But there are things you have to do Who farts more Who burps more

And so Whose jeans are tighter Oh I see So all the characteristics of being a mommy Whoever does them more is more mommy That's right So you fart more Yeah

They're higher and tighter Who poops more on the Bristol stool chart Okay Ranking their poos These are all me, you don't do any of these things You're claiming it like You do all these and nobody else does Who calls top dog more though?

That's a big part of the show too It's my father-in-law It's Tom's dad, biological dad It's kind of an advantage there Who got Marie to say blast on my face today That's true Okay I'm expecting a few more votes because of that

More votes Interesting I think this is always going to break out in a tie No matter what you bring up You guys just have to be the moms together That's true This is what you agreed upon See someone reasonable just came into the picture

Whatever We'll have to agree to mom agree Which makes me Whoa Get lost guys I'm going to finish these videos on my own Wow, he put his hat in the ring for main mommy I can't believe this

Speaking of main mommy Yeah We have good audio to go out on here Oh my gosh Oh my gosh Uncle Jake sent in A little beat He made called Christina's Theme Song

Uh-oh In parentheses The main mommy Oh Uh-oh So you had one type of audio to open the show Christina And a new song to close it

You know what, I have a feeling we're going to be getting audio in the opposite direction of that The answer song The real Roxanne The real main mommy Are you ready for your song? I'm ready, thank you James I'm going to play your very songs from the Uncle Jake Thank you Jake

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Good show you guys, good fun This was a lot of fun, thank you guys for listening Thank you Matt for coming My pleasure, oh my gosh Are you kidding me? Did you go your mom's house Featuring Tom Segura And the main mom

You're like the fucking dumb porn girl Honestly You're like the fucking dumb porn girl Now we're rolling Honestly Oh my god, you hit it again Oh my god Oh my god, you hit it again

Oh my god That wasn't it It's on Honestly Now we're rolling Honestly Honestly Now we're rolling

Honestly I think porn girls I think porn girls Porn girls But I think porn girls But Honestly

Cooke in the PUS Cooke in the PUS Honestly Cooke in the PUS Wow Cooke in the PUS Cooke in the PUS Because he looked every inch of the carpet

That's really good