Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Merry Christmas-273-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 24, 2014

It's that time of year again - Baby Jesus has been born and there are great songs and hopefully wonderful gifts unless you're poor (yuck).  We, as always, give back to the little Mommies. And this time we really deliver. Unwrap the paper and take in some Shane Lee. That's right the internet sensation who "teaches" vocal lessons is now in the DOME! He does impressions, requests and, well, whatever he feels like saying. It's awesome and it's here. Plus your two mothers have some wonderful clips including NEW (is that possible) talents that Steven Segal has - like God? (Actually, YES).  And what's a better gift than breakin down some brown with Top Dog. Rejoice!

You're a musician, right? Yeah, yeah. And you have a band, correct? Yeah, I got a band. We got stagecoach on the drums. We have smokestack on guitar. A hound dog is playing the keyboards. And we have a showboat playing the bass.

Brainwave, what if you guys came up here to be my new house band? I got two turntables and my mommy's home. Oh, snap. Is your mommy home? My mommy's always home. That was given to us from the wonderful Sara Burns. Thank you, Sara. She tracked that down.

How'd she find that? Well, she heard it randomly and it got stuck in her head for a couple weeks and she found someone who could find that audio and rip it for us. So thank you, Sara. That's so stupid. I got two turntables and my mommy's home. Mommy's home. What's up, Jeans?

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Are you chewing gum during your podcast? I shouldn't do that. You're kidding me. I know. You're chewing people's ears, man. Listen, first off, huge shout out.

Really, from the, we're both grateful to you, to the people at Manfran Disco. Oh, okay. They came out and supported. They were great, Jeans. They had their jeans really high and really tight from what I understand. Yeah. I can't wait to go back. So thank you guys very much.

You made it very enjoyable. It's always enjoyable at Manfran Disco, but you guys took it to another denim level. So thank you for that. Now we got our eyes on the prize because there's only one gig left for us in 2014. Can you believe it? One more plane ride, Jeans. And it's to the great city of Austin, Texas. I'm sorry.

Aston? No. Momston? That's better. Momston, Texas. We're going to be at Cap City Comedy Club on New Year's Eve, and then the first, there's no show on the night of the first, and then there's two on New Year's Eve, and then there are two shows on the second and third, I think it's Friday and Saturday of January

2015. It's crazy. 2015 is here. I don't know if people really understand. There are two shows on December 31st. Okay. Two shows January 2nd, and two shows January 3rd. Now I get it.

Now you get it. Now I understand. I just had this happen. I had to cancel Des Moines, Iowa. Des Moines. Show business. I'm very grateful and lucky that I actually booked a television part that shoots that week, so when this business TV, it always trumps your live dates.

Sorry to the mommies who aren't going to be able to see you. I know, and I got some emails and tweets about it. I'm rebooking it. I'm not abandoning it. I can't do it that week anymore. But it's for the better of everything, because you're going to be on a TV show. Yeah, it makes your jeans tighter. So there's that, and I have some other dates coming up.

I know I'm going to Syracuse in Kansas City, Indianapolis, Louisville, and then later in February, I believe I have Hattiesburg, Mississippi, and Lafayette, Louisiana. All kinds of cool stuff. I'm excited to do, and I'm still actively working towards booking some more stuff. I'll be near you. Please check out TomSigura.com for those tickets. Christina, where are you going to be farting? Guys, my jeans are going to be up, obviously, in Mom's Den, and then after that, I'm going

to do Sketch Fest and Man Friend Disco at the end of the month. That's January 30th and 31st. It's going to be at the punchline, having two shows there. Well, before that, January 15th through 18th, I'm at the Pittsburgh Improv, and that's in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Contrary to popular belief, it's not Pittsburgh, Brazil. It's the different. I thought it was Belize.

Yeah. I'm sorry. You're right. There's Pittsburgh, Belize, Pittsburgh, Brazil, and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. And you'll be in Pennsylvania. For this time. Maybe I'll do Belize next time. I don't know.

You ever call it Sixburg? I haven't. Why? Why? They have six rings. Six rings. Super Bowl rings. Soccer?

In soccer. They're the best soccer players. God, how boring was watching football yesterday. God, I didn't understand what was happening. All right. I'm done with you. Anything else? I love you.

Christinacom and do.com for those tickets. Yeah, for dates and stuff. And guys, you've already been doing it, and I cannot thank you enough. Thank you so much for shopping through Mommazon, through our website, yourmomshousepodcast.com. You know, I was hanging out with my friends, Shawna and Jimmy last Sunday, and I was so angry that Jimmy doesn't use- Well, the best part is that- Her podcast.

Jimmy said- That's so funny. First of all, he gave me the best president of my life. But Jimmy said he's heard it 200 times, because he listens to the show. Right. Because I've heard it like a- Sure. And then I was like, oh, I don't do that.

How many of you right now? How many of you are like that? Where you go, I listen, I know about the Mommazon banner, I shop at Mommazon, but I haven't used the banner. You choose to ignore your moms. That's rude. How dare you. Moms are going to take away your remote control.

It's real easy, guys. It's an extra click. You know what you can do? You can bookmark it. Yeah. Once you use it, so you go to your Mommazon podcast, go to the bottom, click on our banner, and then that's what you're going to bookmark that, and then buy your Squatty Potties. It's exciting.

Big- Is it Shane? Is his name Shane? Fuck. The guy who gave us a very sweet gift from Manifold Disco. He gave us a great gift bag and truckies and all that. Those truckies are really good. I fucking think it's Shane.

I don't remember now. I'm sorry. It's rude as shit. That is rude. Jeans, it's almost time to celebrate baby Yeezy's guy. I can't believe Yeezy's guy is almost born. And in this house, we celebrate December 24th. That's how the Europeans do it.

None of this 25th nonsense. That doesn't exist in my world. Too late for the 25th to 24th all the way. Welcome to America. You ready to do this? Again. Let's get busy, man. Yeezy's guy.

Let's party. Merry Christmas. Wow. Can you give us a little taste of a little Christmas song? In any voice you want? Okay. Yeah, thanks. Well, I was doing The Holy Night in the style of Josh Grobe.

Yeah. I love to hear that. I love to hear that. I get a little dissect as well. That's okay. Yeah. I get the beat of the beat backwards. I hear you.

Grobe. Yeah, give us a little flavor. All right. Oh, Holy Night. The stars are brightly shining. It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth. Wow. This shit is big time.

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Pazitzi.

Christina Pazitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Wow. Wow. Wow. What? Could that be the one, the only in-person exclusive interview? With Shane Lee?

Yeah. And it's coming up just in a little bit. Stay tuned after this break. Yeah, man. Shane Lee's on the show today. Yeah. There's so much going on. It's a Christmas show.

He just busted that out for us. My favorite part of that is when you go, so can you just, can you give us a little Christmas song and he goes, yeah, and you go, thanks. The way you say thanks is so official. He was great. It's like you guys are in the sound studio. You know, and you're like, take, Shane's singing, Josh Groban, take one. And thank you.

Thanks. Yeah. And it gives, take it from the top one more time, man. Thank you. This is so official. Let's go from the break. Go ahead. Okay.

Good bridge. This came in. There's some stuff I found that we hadn't played. Did you ever heard this? Sounds like people. I try to live my life, live my life every day, keep out of strife, come what may, I try to do and do others as I have them do to me, but it can't be done for everyone and now it's plain to see.

I like it. I like it. That's very Christmassy. Yeah. Kind of. Feel the spirit. Changes your mood. It did change my mood.

I really enjoyed that. Thank you, Tom. You're very welcome. Is that the children's song? I wouldn't say it's that, but it is a song. Yeah. It is nice. It has a lot of meaning for Christmas.

Christmas. Speaking of. Time is here. I love that one. I've been into the Grinch who sold Christmas this season. I know. You love that. I love that Mr. Grinch song.

It's really funny. It's really good. It's like from the 60s. It's awesome. By the way, why don't you tell people, because people asked me many times in Manifrendisco. Yeah. Isn't Tina here? I know.

What happened? Well, Tom, it's called improper planning for the holiday travel season. We fucked up basically. Big time. Big time. We arranged for the car to pick us up with not enough time to clear checking in our bags for both of us and getting through security. I had the thief with me.

So we're like sweating bullets. It's like the final. Basically, by the time we get to the airport, there's so much traffic at LAX that you have like 40 minutes until your plane leaves. Yeah. So basically, multiple choice all the way, buddy. So we threw everything into a carry-on bag for you. And I basically kicked you out of the car and just made you round to the gate.

You did the right, like, you know, you did a partner in crime thing. You said, you just go. You got to work. You got to make this flight. I got to say, I'm very impressed with that. Thank you. It's my eyebrows. I just had them done today.

You got the meanies. I got the meanies going on. The guy that does my brows does Beyonce's. I'm just saying. I took a picture of the wall today and also Danzel Washington's eyebrows. He gets his brows done there? Yeah. He signed the cover of the magazine.

So it must be true. It must be true. The guy, by the way, has pretty awesome eyebrows himself. You've seen him? Yeah. I saw photos. You showed me. I was like, wow.

I've seen my own Robert is his name. He does all the people in LA. He has some very impressive brows. He's got the meanies going. Yeah. So you did the grown up partner in crime thing. You said, you take it. You take the reins.

Jesus is what I said. Well, I can see a lot of broads being like, well, I mean, you know, we're just going to have to wait and then, you know, that's terrible. It eased the anxiety. Well, because I knew that you had to work that night and there's nothing worse as a comic when like you're going to be late for arriving into the city that you have to show out that night. It sucks.

Could you imagine like if we had to wait for the next one and then SFO gets foggy a lot. So flights get delayed into that airport. Well, guess what happened? I ran out. I got out of the car. I threw all my stuff into my carry-on. I ran.

I was very lucky that I was pre-check. So I got to skip ridiculously long line. So I get through that line of security really fast. I run to the gate and then we just wait for a plane or a plane was the best. And then so how delayed were you? We were the plane didn't. I mean, the whole delay was probably 20 minutes, but like still not enough time on paper. We should have been boarding and I'm saying when I got there wasn't even a plane there.

That's cool. Do you love when they do that? Yeah. And then I was also delayed coming home. You got to be there an hour and a half before the plane, I check up there two hours before we're fucking leave you here. It's so dumb. I mean, I hate them dummies, big dumb dumps.

But you told me when you arrived that LAX had the security line around the block. Horrible. Yeah. It's fucked. The regular line for like the peasants and the little people. All right. It was real bad. I try to be real nice, say it twice, be real nice, even though it is hard to keep up this

facade and now I see dear in me what a hassle this would be. Big hassle. I'm out of luck. Don't give a fuck because you're the club got me. Hey. You got fuck yourself. That's what I would say to TSA. Oh my God.

Or you could say the sweet little girl said, she said it before. For all those haters out there, suck my ass because you're no good and better than everybody else. Thank you. You're the worst. I hate when they're like, it's like six in the morning. No, you're getting there for a six a.m. flight and it's around 445 five as you're clearing TSA and they're like, make sure all your liquids out of the bag, make everything out of your

pockets. Make sure you got the light. You're like, yes bro. Yes. Why are you barking at me? It's 530 right now. Yeah. Like why are you up my asshole for this?

It's like the real thorough guys like, sir, it's a light jacket still needs to come off. Sir pockets, sir back pocket, pockets, pockets, talking about pockets, shoes need to come off. I'm like, no, there's six people ahead of me. So what I'm going to do is right up there, that's when the shoes will come off. Shoes need to come off, sir. Put them on the belt. I'm like, they'll come off before I walk through the thing and can I tell you this whole

liquid, sir? Oh, the liquids, get your life on the liquids TSA. Do you need, do you have any liquids? I got some liquid right here in this bag. In my bean bag. I can make them out, but you got to give me a couple of minutes. My favorite is when they tell you to take your laptop out of your computer bag. Why?

They're going to run it through the X-ray. They're going to see what's in your fucking laptop bag. You know the only reason they do that? So that you leave it behind because I've done it before, like in some small, thankfully, where they called me and they're like, hey, you know, whoever left her laptop and I panicked and ran back. Did you ever see ABC News? No.

I didn't watch the news. What for? They had that profile on like TSA and, you know, just checkpoints. So they purposely left an iPad there and then they, you know, waited a while, went back and they were like, it's not here. And then they use the find, you know, the find my iPhone feature where like your shows you. Well, it took them to a TSA agent's house and they were like, and the guy greeted the door in his TSA uniform and they're like, yeah, our iPad, you know, we have an app tells

us where it says it's here and he was like, and as they're talking to him, you can make the alarm go off on it. So it starts going in his house and they go, like, that's, that's it right there, though. So the guy shut the door, changed clothes and then answered the door and he was like, uh, yeah. And they're like, well, how did it end up here? And he goes, my wife and they're like, but you're the TSA guy. You work at the airport.

He was like, my wife found it. You had no story. And then he resigned. Yeah. Wow. But that's just working at the, that's the last line of defense. So I'd like to call it. The, all right.

The top, the top, the brass. What are they? Yep. The last shelf guys. Yeah. These guys, this is your protection. The finest. This is you being in public and you now you're with special forces here at the airport.

The crack team is going to go through our stuff. Make sure those pesky liquids are out and all your technology's out so you can forget it behind you. Yeah. Yeah. I want to fucking kill myself every time I have to go through TSA. Fucking worst. Yeah.

You're the worst. You're the worst. Hey, you know, um, our friend, where is she? I got two turntables. Oh, so good. Somebody sent me an audition like mashup of hers for something else. Oh, cool. But it's not singing.

It's like just her telling you about her life. Oh, cool. I want to know more. Okay. Here she is. I like. Hi, I'm Mary McCoy. I'm 22.

I just graduated UVA of the University of Virginia. I was a Nakapella group there called Who's in Trouble. Sorry for the lighting. I don't really. I was knocked up in a group called. I was a Nakapella group there called. Oh. Two.

I just graduated UVA of the University of Virginia. I was a Nakapella group there called. Who's in Trouble. Sorry for the lighting. I don't really have anything in my apartment other than an air mattress. Nice story. I learned how to blow one up last night. It wasn't hard.

Something that's also kind of new that I'm experiencing is the mayhem. That is the Boston movement experience. Drivers are hating it out there. They hate any kind of person carrying a toaster or an iron because they know that they're the cause of kind of quirky, fun, loving, always excited kind of person. I love Mary. Yeah, of course. She's so naive.

She's how I am when I was 22. I don't know what's going to happen this year. What's going to happen? She's really sincere and she says it's an audition tape for. Oh, it's for the comeback at Squire. No, it's not for Motta Town. For Tata. What's it for Tata?

It's an egg white omelet. It's for Tata Town. It's an egg white shop. It's a really stupid pun. I also talk in accents and weird voices. My friends had a Facebook page about me. Only Mary McCoy and I had to do hashtag OMM. Speaking of hashtags, I love them.

All of the trashy, crappy, what did I just watch? Reality TV. Wait a minute. Yeah, that's a little bit about me. I'm looking for my Aka family. You guys can be the one. Wow. She's got something in common with another friend of ours.

Yeah, that's very true. I think it's this friend. We're now on Facebook. I really wasn't sure about this at the start. But then a friend of mine said something that just made all kinds of sense. What was it? She said think of it more as a conversation. You know, I wanted to ask you, do you like hashtags?

I like that. I bet you do, Garth. I bet you do, Garth. You know, and that made all kinds of sense. Bang on, bang on, bang on. Stupid. I like breaking down the walls between you and me. There's so much fucking fun.

Hashtag dad boner. Can I tell you what he does on Twitter? Because I've been following him now. Like every compliment he gets, he has to respond to it. Like every single person that's like, you're amazing. He's like, well, love gratitude and respect, dot, dot, dot, G. Love G. Dustin, that's very sweet.

Love you, pard, dot, dot, dot, G. I saw you look like, okay, I got it. It's so weird. Okay. Okay, hashtag. Okay. So that's a young Mary. Now, when she does the video for Let's Get Social,

did she get into the acapella group, you think? I don't know how this relates to anything. I just, somebody sent it and I was like, oh, that's Mary. That's our girl. Yeah. That's our social girl. So it's giving us a little bit of insight into her. You always wanted to know what she liked.

What's her deal? Yeah. It's pretty cool. It is cool. It's neat, slick. But let's get into this call. We actually, we're so fortunate. We got a call from where we reached out to

and then set up a call with Shane Lee. First of all, can I, may I, may I give the listeners a backstory? Please. So, you know, as you guys know, we've been obsessed with Shane Lee now for a while and his abilities and his singing. And so if you go to his YouTube page,

I was hoping to find like an email just to email him at, but there's a phone number there. And it's like for urgent calls and stuff, call that. And so I did. And he picked up and he lives in Georgia. Hello everyone. This is Shane. Now I've been doing mainly old stuff.

So I wanted to do a little bit of beatbox and then just simple rap for you. Nothing really complicated. Just a couple of words here and there. So you get the idea. Yeah. But I found him to be really accessible, really friendly despite his internet fame.

I mean, he's got like millions of views on some of these videos. Yeah, a lot. So I'm just glad it didn't kind of go to his head. Like he was really down earth and really cool. Sweet guy. So he agreed to do an interview. Oh.

Yeah. That's him speaking in tongues, right? That's right. You nailed it. Yeah. He's also into religion a lot. Okay. Well, it's also on his YouTube.

If you go to his about YouTube, he's also into religion a lot. Okay. Well, it's also on his YouTube. If you go to his about YouTube, well, it's also on his YouTube. If you go to his about me section, you can learn a lot about him.

There you go. Yeah. So we talked to Shane today. Yeah. Here he is. Hello. Hey, Shane. Sorry about that.

No problem. How was your lunch? Oh, it was good. It was dinner actually. It's about four o'clock here. So I was eating dinner. That's an early dinner, man. Yeah.

Well, I normally eat lunch around 11 and I normally eat breakfast around 7. Okay. Wow. You're an early riser then, Shane. Yeah. What is a typical breakfast, lunch, and dinner look like for you?

Well, I normally eat either popped arts or cereal for breakfast. Yeah. Usually, you want to be something like spaghetti and meatballs or a deli sandwich or something like that and maybe a hamburger for dinner. Okay.

Is that what you had today? Yeah. That's what I had today. Huh. That sounds a little bit like the Jeff Tate diet. Oh, interesting. Or maybe a precursor to the Jeff Tate or Jeff Tate adjacent.

Yeah. I mean, it sounds, let's be honest, sounds a little more nutritious than a Jeff Tate kind of diet. It's true. A little. I didn't hear any mention of greens. I didn't hear, you know, big salad. Yeah, but Jeff will eat off the floor.

That's true. That's true. I bet Jeff Tate would get along with Shane. Pretty good. Oh, this is nuts. Yeah. Jeff might be like, you know, you're a little too highfalutin for me.

Yeah. You need to kind of dial it back a little bit. Yeah. But yeah, I think they get along well. We should find out if this guy likes cheers. Yeah. I know. I know.

I know. All right, now we know what to ask next time. Regret, I know. Write that down with you. Okay. That sounds good. Look, man, we are big, big fans of your videos. You have a great selection of YouTube videos

that you're pretty dedicated. Look, that feedback, by the way, is on his end. You know, you can hear it like echoing? Yeah, sorry. It's not us. It's not on a mic. I had to like lean in and stuff. But he was like, I think it was because we're on speaker

on something that kept hearing us like echo. Like, I mean, how many do you put up a day? Up to anywhere from two to three a day. Yeah. Because it all depends on what I feel like. And if I got up over 2,500 on my main channel, I got up around 300 on my other two. I didn't ask why he has more than one channel.

I don't really, I don't know. I think I want to say one's for his religious interests and then one's for like vocal lessons. Got you. One's for comedy or something. I don't know. I have like several channels on YouTube. Yeah, I mean.

I started out back in, huh? Yeah, but you have a few videos that have like, like over a million views. Yeah. Um, I found out the video which was sort of me joking around about it. Yeah. It was sort of a joke.

I did what I did on that one was I did three octaves. Good. And the last one, I tried to sing the same note over and over again. Uh-huh. And that one's got like 2.1 million. That's crazy right now. So the five octaves video, those of you who don't know, this is the, uh, it's one of the most popular videos he has.

This is him singing five octaves. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uhhh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uhhh.

Uh. Uhhh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Ah. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Ooooooooo. Ah-hah. Dont. Not.

Not. Hurt-sonalist. Hurt-sonalist maybe? Yep. Okay. Rightly so. I mean it is. It's fantastic.

It's a really great thing. Hey, you're doing it. You're saying though that it wasn't sincere, it was a joke, you meant you meant it as a joke. Yeah, I meant it as a joke from my perspective, but people took it. Some people take it seriously and some people take it. I have to tell them it was a joke. You know, you heard of Andy Kaufman, right?

Yes. Yeah, well it was something like that. I was, I was joking around with it in the style of Andy Kaufman, where I was looking like I was serious, but I wasn't serious. Yeah. And you know what I mean, I was just sort of, you know, showing people I have at least a three octave range. Of course.

But you also really do, but Shane, you also do vocal coaching for real though, like you're actually. You're a talented singer and you, you, like these videos were meant to instruct people, right? Right. They were. So you can help people. You can help people learn how to sing.

That's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to teach how to sing by ear, but that's difficult. Yeah. That's what I learned to do. Like I do the journey video with open arms. Yeah. And the first time I did it, I did it sort of as a joke attempt. Yeah.

And something, something like this. Yeah. So that sounds pretty kick-ass to me. And that's an impersonation of Steve Perry there. Right. Yeah. And that's what I learned. I'm, that, that really caught me off guard.

Yeah. You can just get into it like that. Yeah. I didn't expect him to belt out a perfect Steve Perry like that. Did you? Not at all. I thought, I thought Steve Perry was in the room. He can, you know what he is?

He can turn it on. Yeah. And that's all the best performers I've always heard. They can just turn it on. They just. Right. Like an American Idol where they're like, oh, you can sing, sing something for him. Right now.

Yeah. And then this guy can do that. Yeah. I can't do that. I can't do it. No. I learned to impersonate different singers. So wait, if that, if that is like your sort of joke version, do you have the real version?

Yeah. Well, um, well, um, they're close, you know what I mean? Right. They're so close you, you have to really be listening. Okay. Well, I'm listening. All right. All right.

Yeah. And that's kind of the joke. Wow. Come on. That's the joke version. Well, I mean, I guess, I mean, people thought it was funny. Well, I mean, I think it started commenting, making native comments and all that. Well, I thought, I thought, I think you have a great voice.

Oh, thank you. Um, now let me ask you the holidays are here and, you know, everybody's a fan of holiday music. Can you belt out for us? Because we've seen the videos. Can you give us a little taste of, you know, a little Christmas song? Just any, in any voice you want. Okay.

Yeah. Thanks. Um, well, I was doing the Holy Night and the style of Josh Grobe. Yeah. Yeah. Loved Ben. Love to hear that. I give it a little, I'm a little, I'm a little dissapointed as well.

That's okay. Yeah. I get the B of the D backwards. I hear you. Grobe Ben. Yeah. Give us a little flavor. All right.

Okay. Hi. Oh, holy night. The stars are brightly shining. It is the night of our dear savior's birth. Or, um, just recently. Wow. Wow.

That's really good. That was really good. Thank you. That was really good. What's your favorite song? Yeah. What's your favorite song to sing, Shane? Uh, I just sing any song out here.

You know what I mean? I'm teaching you how to sing any song you like. How did you get so good at impressions? Huh? You're really good at impressions. How did you get good at impressions? Well, I just listened. You just listened.

I just listened to what was going on around me and I learned to, like, one of my favorites was jumping here. Hey, how are you today, boo-boo? Oh, that's great. Yeah, that's great. It sounds just like him. You know, he has that, that's a thing you see in the really naturals. Like, they don't, like, they ask, uh, what's his name?

The, uh, the baseball player, the famous baseball player for the Red Sox had Ted Williams. You know, how'd you get so good at hitting the ball? Right. He got a high batting average and he goes, you just, you just see it and you hit it. Yeah. And then, and Shane's like, you just, I just hear it. And then he mimics it just like Frank Caliendo or any really great impressionist. You know what I do?

I listen. I listen. It's like such a simple but a great way of summarizing it. Huh. Yeah. Or I can do boo-boo too. Yeah, Yogi. Let's have some fun.

Let's go for a peek and peek. That's good. That's good. That's great. Um, and I noticed I was more better at cartoon voices than celebrity voices. Like it's hard for me to do a celebrity, but certain celebrities like John Travolta, I might can pull off a little bit. Yo, Mr. Goddard, welcome back.

That's, that is spot on. What is the, hold on one second. Christina, what is the song? We did the Wife Down parody too, you know? All the way. Remember? Get your love all the way down. Yeah.

Do you know that song? Get your love all the way down. Do you make my love come down? Yeah, make my love come down. Oh, Madonna. No, it's. Oh, I'm the, no, not Madonna. You make my love come down.

Yeah. Baby, you made my love come down. Yeah. All the way down. Yeah. That one. That one. That's, uh, it's Evelyn Champagne, right?

Is that who that is? Evelyn Champagne King. Um, who, who, no, it's by, by Sweetbox, by who is, who sings it? Evelyn King originally sang it. And then it was, uh, it was redone. It was redone. You know what? Will you do me a favor when we're, when we're like maybe today or tomorrow if you have time?

Will you do that song in a video and dedicate it to us? Um, well, uh, uh, I need more information about. Yeah. Yeah. So, well, yeah, I'll email, I'll email you the details or should I just tell you more about it now? What do you want me to do? Um, yeah, just send me an, an email and, um, but all you want me to do.

Okay. And I'll do it for you. Yeah. That'd be awesome. I can have it about within 24 hours if you like. That'd be awesome, man. That'd be awesome. Um, what up?

Do you feel like you're going to do any, any live shows buddy? No, I don't know how to do that. Well, I was on stick cam and did live share for a while, but, um, but you know, I get negative comments all the time from, but like, but for some reason I get thinking. You don't need the haters. We love you at your mom's house and we support you. Yeah. Forget the haters.

Ignore the haters. Let me ask you this though. Like, uh, could you give by any chance? I've always wanted to sing, but I don't really know, you know, what to do. Like, give me a, can you give me a lesson? Like, you know, a little bit over the phone of how to sing. How to change your voice. You mean sir?

Well, I don't know how I do it. I just do it. You know what I mean? Part of it is with me. Okay. I get the voice in my head first, you know, um, but can you take me? I want to see, can you, can you take me through the octaves? Like for real, like teaching me a little bit, like how to go, like how to throw it.

Yeah. The scales up and down, you know? Well, I took course for three and a half years, right? Years. Yeah. In classical. So I learned to sing with my course. And, um, we had a great music teacher and every year we would get superior, straight

one, which was the highest you can get. And, um, so I learned to listen well and I learned to blend my voice with other singers voices. Can you, can you give us like a, what's the scale, like a B flat or something? Yeah. Or you know when they go like, uh, uh, uh, uh. I can't just pick out a note and sing it instantly if that's what you mean. Okay.

Um, what I, what I'm more do is I'm more, um, whatever voice I hear. Yeah. Like let's say I want to do Bruno Mars. Okay. All right. Um, so I would think of a Bruno Mars song and go, oh, yes, yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes, yes.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Wow. And I hit the same notes. Bruno hit. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how I do it. I just do it.

I would say, I would say you hit them a little better. Give it in my head and repeat it. It's almost like I'm a human tape recorder. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's a good, you know what? The name of your album is the human tape recorder. It's kind of your brand.

Yeah. And I got to say, you got a little sweeter voice than Bruno Mars. If you know what I mean, I kind of, I'm digging it. Um, so look, man, we, uh, you know, we're huge fans. We want to have you on more. Um, can you do the do re me fossil? Do you know how to do that? And though a dear, a fee now dear, great, a tropical in time.

Me, a name I call myself far along the way to ride. That's great. That's great. Sorry. You're very, I feel like it's just been awesome. I've heard that. I feel like you're full of joy. Do you know any Madonna songs?

Huh? Do you know any Madonna song? Yeah. Hello. Hello. Are you there? Yeah. I'm here.

Do you know any Madonna? Madonna. Madonna. Yeah. Like a virgin. Yeah. Sing that. Okay.

Hold on. I need a little memory. All right. Wow. Wow. But that sounded a lot like her. That's actually really good. Do you just kill the karaoke circuit?

Like, do you go to karaoke? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you just kill the karaoke circuit? Like, do you go to karaoke bars and just blow it up? Nah. I do it more private.

You know what I mean? The more private setting. Yeah. Because I get nervous when I hit the crowd. Oh, that makes sense. A little bit. That makes sense. All right.

So, like, one time I did that, the usual song Hotel California at a karaoke bar, and I really messed it up. Then I went back and worked on it at home and I did it fine. You know what I mean? Yeah. Sometimes I get nerves getting in my way. Yeah, I know. I can do it like over the phone or...

Welcome to the Hotel California. Such a lovely place. Such a lovely place. Such a lovely place. The prettier room at the Hotel California. You know, it's neat. A lot of singers don't always do the echo when they sing it. Yes.

I like when he sings the echo. Oh, right. Right. Such a lovely place. Such a lovely place. That's a nice little... Usually that's another person doing that. Right.

A little help. Right. But to do it yourself is pretty professional. Yeah. Well, it's because he's doing it a long time. Yeah. Yes. One last surprise, one last surprise.

See? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. That's good stuff, man. Hey, let me ask you this though. We really want to get this love come down song. So, where do we need to send you the info so you can have all the info? I got the info. I got the info. So, that's...

I hope you enjoy. That's an early Christmas present for sure. Yes. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Yes. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Yeah. This show delivers. That's what's up. This is probably the worst. No, it's my favorite bad Christmas song. Please. Don't be rude. I'm sorry.

You know what? Take it back. I actually like this one a lot more now. It's the classics I don't like now. I like this part. All right. Okay. What you gonna get that boy?

Good song, Tom. We should play this for your family on Christmas Day. What's the group that you like their Christmas song? Oh, the waitresses. I think that's my all time. I like the Grinch. You're a mean, wild Mr. Grinch. Mr. Grinch.

I love it. Can I tell you my least favorite? Sure. I hate Santa Baby. I hate that she's trying to have sex with Santa. I never understood that whole like sexy Santa crap. I hate it. Oh, yeah.

And I also don't understand that lyric, you know, walking in a winter wonderland and he goes, wait, wait, listen to me though. Do you know the song? He goes, hold on, in the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he is passing around. Okay.

You'll say, are you married? I'll say no, man, but you can do the job while you're in town. Does that mean you can be my husband? Because you're here. You can fuck me. You can fuck me because you're here. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what that's saying in that Christmas song, right? It's Christmas. You're supposed to be in a giving spirit. That's the whole point. Wow. You're saying like I'm not going to be selfish. Huh. Okay.

So you can, you can, Mr. Snowman, you can fuck me. Yeah. I'll give up the pussy because it's Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of cool. And then there's that other song. Oh, this is the best one.

This is my favorite one ever. Oh, the waitress. I don't even know if they had other songs. This is my favorite one. Mow meow mow. Yeah. So jam. Meow.

Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.

Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.

Meow. Meow. They're not attractive. They're not attractive? Yeah, if you Google this song, the album, you'll be like, oof. Really? They're dogs? Well, it's like not a flattering photograph of the singer, I think.

Yeah. It's just a weird, it's a weird choice. It's weird that you said that. They should have shot it better for these people, if I'm saying. Hmm. Yeah. It's a good song. For 24 days?

What's your favorite Christmas song? Um, I like this one a lot. I'm trying to think of, you know, it's weird when you buy things on your phone and then it doesn't end up on your, in your account, on your computer. It's infuriating, is what it is. Why, why does that happen? It's not weird, it's infuriating. Because I'm looking for it, I bought it on my phone, I've listened to it, and then it's

not here. It's fucking bullshit. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like that.

Um, I got a bunch of clips. Wait, can I ask you another Christmas question? Sure. So then there's also that song. Um, okay. Okay. This might be stupid. Okay.

Well, when they're like, you know, that song feed the world that USA for Africa. And he's like, they're like, do they know it's Christmas time? And then he goes, and there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas. You're like, well, yeah, is there a lot of snow in Africa? I mean, I'm sure like, I know, like, I guess Cairo, maybe. But when you picture Africa and what they're singing about, like the people they're singing about are in like Somalia and shit. They were starving, right?

Yeah. I'm pretty sure it doesn't snow, right? It never snows. Not this Christmas. Well, not any Christmas because it's Africa. The seasons are opposite day too, right? Yeah. Like it's summer in December.

Where could it possibly snow in Africa? I do think Cape Town gets snow. Yeah, exactly. But they would never get it in Christmas. You're right. Yeah. It's summertime for Christmas. Yeah.

So why are we maligning? Oh, there's no snow in Africa. You know why? I'll tell you, it's lazy songwriting. Thank you. They should have Googled it. It's lazy songwriting by lazy songwriters. And we're sick of them.

We're fucking sick of them. We want talent. Yeah. Merry Christmas. You know what I heard? I heard today. I actually have heard it a lot lately. Is Dad's Clearing Your Throats?

You said, Dad's clear their throats loudly. I got that text message. Yes. No, it's even worse than that. It's like a... And I heard it in a restaurant with Sarah, and we were both startled. And then today, I heard it.

Who does that? What kind of animal clears their throat like that? It's a real dad. Your dad does that too, right? Yeah, of course. Dads don't give a fuck. You know what it's like? It's like naked guys at the gym.

I told you, we go to that gym now. And the locker room, it's pretty nice because the lockers, they give you towels there at the gym so you can... They provide you with towels. That's a nice feature. And I don't know, I guess I'm still a little modest because when I go to the locker, I dress there, but I'm quick about it.

I kind of drop and then I cover with my towel and I walk in the shower. Well, let's be honest. Why? You've got a huge dong, and you're sick and tired of people staring at you. I don't like it. Yeah.

I don't like it. So, there's that. But the old guys, you'll be sitting on a bench, and a guy next to you will bend over, his asshole will be inches from your face. And then they go dick out, balls ass out through the locker room to the shower.

So, they parade around like that. They don't care. It's balls out today. It's a lot of balls out. Do you look at their wieners? I mean, you catch them. You see that they're there. Are there any uncircumscribes?

I'm sure. I haven't seen many yet. I'm a new member, but I'm going to try to put dicks to faces. I'm going to try to figure that out pretty soon. YouTube, I'm doing a video about how to jerk off.

Basically, when I was like 13, no one actually told me how the best way to jerk off was. Well, yeah, nobody tells you that. So, I kind of spent a couple of years. Right? Really trying to figure out

the best way of doing that. Yeah. Um, so... Wait, but why nobody tells you how to masturbate because they shouldn't. It's one of those shameful things everybody has to learn on their own, and then it becomes your dirty secret

and you flog yourself about it until you're like 16, and then, you know, you realize everyone else does it, but... Right? I mean, did your dad tell you, like, hey, buddy, here's how you jerk your dick?

No, he didn't. He didn't mention it ever. I'm very disappointed in that, that he was selfish about giving me those lessons. Um, it's a little... I like, I feel like he has a little bit of maybe...

Let me see. Let's see if I can find it. Um... It's always whatever I want to play that I can't find. It's my favorite thing about this type of, uh, soundboard. Where is it?

Is it here? Nope. No. One, two, three, and... I feel like, um, this guy, listen to him. Basically, this video is

for all you guys out there trying to jerk off, hearing friends talking about jerking off. You hear that? Mm-hmm. And then you go... I eat the ass and pussy all the time. I got nothing.

Oh, my God. It's a little bit, right? Well, you don't see this guy's face. The reason I like jerking off while licking my... having a girl licking my balls from my angle, while she's licking my balls, I'm punching her fucking stupid face. Huh.

But not actually doing it. So... we need, first of all, to get some kind of paper. Paper? Um, some toilet paper. I haven't seen this, have you? Yes, it's horrible.

You saw the whole thing? Of course. Well, hopefully my mom won't come home any time soon. Oh, my God. So, basically, what I like to do is, like, get and bed like this.

Mm-hmm. Um, and it's really important, first of all, to make sure all the doors are closed because you don't want guys coming in when you're jerking off. So, I get like this. And what I do is I lie on my side

and... He's already breathing heavily. No, I know, it's true. And all he's done is move slightly. He's not, like, a large person. I know, but it's just he's like... Yeah.

He's got that uncomfortable breathing. And... Creepy. I get the duvet and I totally cover myself up. So, if anyone comes in, they can't see me jerking off. Good call, buddy.

But this is... This should be... This is a jerk-off instruction for living with other people and no locks on your door. Yeah, but he's also saying this is for guys who don't know how. Right.

So, I'm assuming it's a younger demo. He's not talking to you, the 35-year-old married guy. Yeah, right. He's talking to the 12, 13-year-old boy. He's like, okay. But don't you kind of intuitively know how to do it?

Did somebody really need to step-by-step it for you? No. Well, you want to get the paper ready now because... Yeah. Sometimes, and this happens and it's fucking annoying.

It's when you jerk off and it just... You just don't expect it. And it just goes fucking everywhere. So, we're going to put that there. Okay, that's your paper. Don't lose that. That's super important.

Okay? So... Okay. So... So gross. What you want to do is... First of all, get comfortable. And I like to, like,

lie back and, like, look at the ceiling. Uh-huh. And then I think of, like, something really hot. Like... I fuck the girl with no arms and one leg. Okay, you got a good image in your head now.

Go for it. The girl... That's... Maybe there's a girl at college you like or something or like a teacher you might like. And you basically think about that for a while.

And then you might... You want to get your cock hard. Okay? So once that starts to happen, that's when you basically take your hand and put it around

your cock. And you want to be rolling it up and down your penis. And after, like, 30 seconds, it starts to feel real good. Okay, that's when you know you're doing the right thing. It has to feel good.

So, that's what I'm doing right now. You basically want to get... So... You basically want to keep going until, like, you really feel something happening down there. Is he actually jerking off? Well, you have to watch to see.

It should start feeling really nice and warm after about 30 seconds or so. And... Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He has... Fuck.

Fuck. So this is like a bait video. Huh? He kind of trapped us into playing this and then that's the whole thing, is that he jerks off on it? I guess. I don't understand.

Well, it's really helpful for the young kids. Thanks for making that video, man. It's good. Is that really a thing, a bait video? Hey, bait you into playing, I'm saying. Like, they're baiting... Someone's baiting you. Oh, and then he just wants to jerk off in front of you.

Or it's a joke, right? I assume it's on purpose. It's a joke. I feel like I can't tell. I feel like it was kind of sincere the way he talks. It was, but then I feel like now it's... I mean, he came hard and I'll be honest. I like that.

It's good. Okay. But there's some other things. This I've been really excited about. I can't believe we have an... This is gonna really, really excite you. Are you ready for this? I'm ready.

Here we go. But fighting bad guys around the world isn't the only role Seagal was known for. He's also a powerful teacher of spirituality. Yes. I was born clairvoyant. I was born a healer. And I was born very different. You can say that again.

Seagal is said to be a reincarnated Buddhist lama. And to many, that makes him a god. Well, I mean, you know, this I really shouldn't say on camera, but... He does say it anyway. He claims he's god. A description many use about themselves in the East. We say sort of the same thing in Buddhism. We believe that all sentient beings have the Buddha nature within them,

which means they are all, you know, sort of god. That's quite an admission from the famous actor. Stephen Seagal shared with me his stories about being a healer, about being clairvoyant, about being a god. When he headlined here at the House of Blues in downtown Cleveland. Oh, he's also a blues singer. Seagal sings, acts and plays guitar. He tells me many of his fans are also his spiritual students

that he teaches them on and off screen just with his gaze and gestures. The ones... Oh, oh, I like Prada! Wait, we got to run down the list of Seagal achievements. This is a whole new level, guys. So, so far he's been a martial arts expert. That's absolutely seventh-degree black belt, yes. Dog trainer.

Dogs knows weapons, knows... He's a policeman and forces the law. He's a policeman. Actor. Singer. Singer. Jazz singer, yeah. Spiritual advisor.

He is clairvoyant. Clervoyant. Healer. Yeah. And the God. And a god. I mean, there is nothing he can't do. The Buddha nature.

Wow. You know, I just... I was born different. That's my favorite. I'm different. He's clearly... Yeah, you're different, all right. No, no.

They can look into my eyes or just hear my voice and something clicks and they know. Seagal teaches others what he's learned himself from great teachers in India and elsewhere. That everyone is God. It's just that they don't know it yet. I think the foundation of all people has to be where we come from ultimately.

And ultimately where we come from is the divine. He loves stirring things up, as when Seagal suggests that everything in life is good, even what's bad. If the bad teaches us, it's the bad, bad. You're willing the ultimate teaching, all is good. Come on, that's not striking, officer. It's striking. A man who says he's God, who hurts and kills

dozens in his movie, a veritable contradiction in terms. Yet, shockingly, for all of his bravado and toughness, Steven Seagal ends his interview with me and Cleveland, pleading for forgiveness for any real harm he has ever caused anyone. I am sorry for any pain or suffering or hurt or negativity I've caused any sentient being. Wow.

His accent kind of changed a little bit here. Yeah, when he talks about the Buddha nature. Yeah, he's kind of foreign accents in Rome alone. But when he's down in the south and he's in Louisiana in these parts, I've seen y'all come around. I've seen y'all throw something on the ground and there wouldn't happen to be some smoke or nothing like that, a little dodge or nothing like that.

Let me see your hands. You ain't got nothing to poke or cut me. Put your hands behind your back now. And then the kid goes, oh my God, you're Steven Seagal. You're Steven Seagal. My mama loves you. My mama got all your tapes, man. And then he gets really, like, he gets really flat.

Then he signs autographs for all the people in America. You're Steven Seagal? Damn it, never mind. Okay, did you mean to go there? Wow, he really is a new level. Isn't that amazing? Is that a Christmas? I think that's an early Christmas present.

That's a Christmas miracle, what that is. Maybe he's Jesus born, I don't know. It's pretty amazing, bro. He's amazing. I wish he would come on that detail. I had never heard that he heals with looks and gazes. I didn't know. I hear my voice and they know.

I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Yeah, just like Cropso. He's just like Cropso. I can't eat breakfast and then Cropso chews on my face and I ate everything. I ate every last drop. Oh, Seagal, you never stop giving.

That's what I love about you. I thought I was all done with you and then you're like, no. I wonder, but what do you do after you become God? I feel like that's the ultimate achievement for you. I don't know. What's your other hobby? I mean, what's it going to be next? Did we play this girl waking up at the dentist and she's coming off of drugs?

No. You know what I mean? She's coming out of it and she's just saying, she really made me laugh. Needed at her stage. So hot. You're a hot doctor. She's like, you're a hot doctor. She's a young girl and her mom's like, okay, sweetie.

Kind of trying to get her to shut up. It's medication. Mommy. Yes, darling. I want to have sex with Ryan Gosling. She's like, I want to have sex with Ryan Gosling. How old is she? I don't know.

She looks like she's like 16 to 18, something like that. Okay. So she's banging now. Ryan Gosling. I want white dick. I love white dick. Stop that. Stop that.

Her mom got upset. Mom's mad. I love white dick. Stop that. I just want to be a Kardashian. She starts crying. I want to be a Kardashian. Please help me.

Is this what me at Walmart feels like? No, I don't think so. I don't like it. No, I don't think so, honey. I'm sorry. Wow. Wow. That is quite a performance.

I want white dick. I want white dick. I just want to be a Kardashian. Man. Wow. I just stare at you. I'm healed. Did you do your Christmas shopping at Rite Aid?

Yes, I got presents for cousin Jeanette. I got a present for Bri Bri. I got a present for Blanca. Shit, Blanca. Dave. Who else? Blue Iris. Mm-hmm.

I saw you got a real nice, like a taco shell. Oh, yeah. Well, she's half Mexican. Right. Now, is it the shells or is it a shell maker? It's to make the shell in it. So your shell has that, you know, the shape. They give you the mix in there?

I don't know. I think it might just be the shell maker. But this way you have an authentic shell. Yeah, I like authentic taco shells, not the fake ones. The fake ones were like the taco salad shell, you know? Oh, shit. It's pretty cool. It's pretty cool.

It's like you're at a Friday's or Applebee's and you're like, how'd y'all make this shell? It's like that. Well, I don't know how they do that. How do they make them big old taco shells? Yeah, well, I'll show you. Okay, put the ground beef on the bottom. And then the shell is like real authentic.

I like that. I like that a lot. You know what's really funny is you came out of the office and you're like, I think the dog's shit. It smells like poop. And I go, that's not poop. That's poop soup. Yeah, that's just my cooking.

I was cooking poop soup. I made broccoli. I know. It's broccoli when it cooks. It smells like brown. It's true. You know why? Why?

Because when I make brown, it's going to smell like that too. It's going to smell real bad. Yeah. Speaking of, we got to take a quick commercial break. I've tried fad diets, powders, pills. Still my weight's been up and down like a yo-yo until the AIDS plan taught me how to take off weight and help keep it off.

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and help keep it off. Try peanut butter AIDS. What do you think? I like it. Something tells me it predates a certain epidemic. Yep. This commercial first started airing in 82. Oh, no.

And I think it was off by late 82. That's unfortunate. Did you fart? I did. Did you hear that? I did. I heard you fart a little bit. I heard you a little farts.

It's too bad they had to file bankruptcy right away. I know. Doesn't that suck? We finally got our name. Let's fucking do this, you know? Shit. Yeah. Shit.

We didn't get one of those. We got to get one. All right. Here's what you've been waiting for, everybody. Let's fucking do this. Merry Christmas. Hey, buddy. It's Top Dog.

Hey, buddy. It's Top Dog. Hey, buddy. It's Top Dog. You need to wipe down. It's Top Dog. All right. All right.

Talk to the big man today. Did you hear any of it? No. I was eating poop soup. Well, I got a little treat for you. I can't wait. Here you go. Merry Christmas, everyone.

Hey, buddy. How you doing? Good. Going on. Not much. What's up? Well, you know, I think I can say this, but I, you know, I think I can say this, but I, I'm kind of developed a, an extra stance where I can, when I have a fart,

I can tell by the smell of the fart what kind of dump I'm going to take, whether it's a one or it's going to be a seven because each level of dump has its own, at least for me, has kind of its own unique smell. Hmm. So I can, I mean, you know, you had that, that morning, you know, fart before you do the number one, you know, you had the morning dump. I know I can tell in advance what's, what's going to come out. So that allows me, you know, you're going to make sure that's a five or six or

you know, toilet paper, you know, if it's any new job. Wow. If it's a one or two, then I, you know, I don't even need a full roll like are you sometimes or I haven't. It's almost like you, it's like you have a crystal ball in a way. Well, it's, it's, it's an acute sense. You know, it's, it's, you know, some people have like an acquired sense for whines and, you know, things like that.

I have an acute, I'm required sense for, for farts. So for example, you take a one and a two, those are, they tend to be short farts don't have, you know, they're not going to drive people out of the room. They tend to be, they're not, they're not really powerful and they're not making big noise. Okay. But when you start to go up the scale and for me, the ones that, that, you know, kind of when you do them, they kind of stay in the room and, and I told you about

the time I did one in the theater and the whole back row moved. Yeah. Yeah. That was one of my big moments. But, you know, if I have, I can take it with fives, you know, and I'll have a string of five. I know it's coming too. Okay.

And, and then a seven fart really, it really reeks. They know it. I can tell a seven fart. I know that I'm really going to have to hang there. Yeah. That's all of it. Because I know it's, what's coming. Yeah.

But one can, one can choose or, you know, they don't linger. They don't smell it. They really, you know, but when you get up to four, five, sixes. Please pause it. I mean. He hasn't taken a breath yet. Did you realize that? No, it's a dissertation on browning and farting and browning and farting.

He hasn't, there's no back and forth. No, it's just monologuing. Yeah. But you know what's really neat is that you've inherited the special gift from your dad. You think so? Well, we were laying in bed the other night and you were tucking me in and then you farted and you're like, oh yeah, I got a shit. Yeah.

And then you go, I really got to dump now. Did you need the person closest to you to show you how brightly you can shine? I didn't realize I had that gift till right this second. Thank you. Yeah. That was neat. And also you farted in the car on the way home last night. Yeah.

And that was special. Yeah. You've been having a lot of night dumps, which is weird. I exercise in the afternoons and evenings. Dude, you shit three times. You shit at cousin Jeanette's yesterday. But what did we do before I went there? You made fitness.

Right. Yeah. We talked about that here with top dog. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't want to take away from these important. Yeah. It's really, you know, I can tell. Okay.

Well, it's, I noticed that you in particular, your farts have a real staying power, like they really linger. Oh yeah. Once you get above some four, once you get five and up, they sometimes fours tend to be longer than five. The other thing, which I can't figure out why, but fours tend to last longer, but five smell worse. And when I'm in a car and I do a five, you know, you got to roll down the windows.

Oh, I believe that. I believe that or maybe you know, and you got to keep them down. And you know, and if somebody has, you know, and no lingerie in the car, in fact, this happened. God, this happened recently when I had one in the car parked at home and went out to get something later than I, it still was lingering in the car with the lenders up. Hours later. Hours later.

Wow. What a gift. That's something to be proud of too, I'm sure, right? Oh, oh, well, you know, I mean, sure, you know, how many people really, you think about how many people really have, I know you, you see these, these guys, they, they smell wines and they can tell the, the Pinot Noir from the shorter day and the more low, you know, I can do a one through seven fart and tell you what she's got. Wow.

So that's kind of neat. That's really neat. That's really neat. That's something else. And then have you, have you been having healthy movements lately? Um, you know, I had a bunch of fives this week. Um, and, but I had just a, had a four, a decent four. I only went once today and I've been trying to lose weight.

And of course that has kind of, you know, I haven't been going as much and I haven't had any really big ones, quite frankly. I haven't had a double flusher. Yeah. And then on this diet, it was just to put in, you know, cardio really gets me home. You know, I went to the gym yesterday and I had like a shake afterwards that was, you know, pretty mild. So I didn't really react, but two hours later I had dinner and then do like clockwork.

I had to ship pretty much immediately. Yeah. Yeah. There's a reason there's a medical term for that. And I had a doctor explain it to me, but basically it's your body's way of making room for, you know, it's like, you know, you, you're driving down the highway and they got a guy and so it stops signage says, you know, they're picking something she can't pass and then he turns the sign and says, go and you can pass.

It's kind of the same thing when you're taking food, uh, it tells the intestines, you better get rid of what's down there. Cause there's another freight train coming. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Kind of like, kind of like clearing the tracks, so to speak.

Right. But it's, it's always, um, accelerated when I do cardio. Like if I run or, oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Because you get the blood more than an absolute. Yeah. It's kind of fun to see what happens.

You know, it's amazing. You know, I have to tell you, but all the exercise that I've never had to take a shit. I've been running, working out, doing some rigorous exercise. I never had to go while I was doing that. That's remarkable. I don't know if I've ever met anybody like that. I've never had to do that. You know, I've never.

Okay. But, but you can bet when, um, of course the time for me is, is in the morning, you know, we're all, I had one today at office where I'm on the phone with this guy. And I feel it kind of, but I can't hang up the phone. So what I had to do, I had to stand up in the office. I'm squeezing the buttons together trying to finish this phone call. Open the guy's soft and phone. He just keeps talking.

Right. So then, uh, then I had to, you know, leave the office, make it to the bathroom. I'm squeezing the cheeks and saying, you know, and there's that moment when he's at a turn, you know, squeezing the cheeks is easy if you go on that mystery line. Okay. But when you have to make the turn around one door and then open the other door, and, and then, you know, you get in there and you got to spin around and drop the doors. You know, it was, it was something that, you know, you really have to kind of be still

that, you know, before you want to spill the beans, you know what I mean? I got to tell you the way you just told that story, I was really braced with anticipation. It was like a Hitchcock movie. I didn't know what was going to happen. Oh, well, that's that. And, and of course, and then soon as, you know, drop the sooner it was instantaneous bomb to it. Okay.

It was like, you know, napalm. It just came out like, wow. It wasn't a good story the way you told it. I was enraptured. Yeah. You were hanging on. I saw you like, what's going to happen? Well, I didn't, I wanted to ask you anything, um, you know, the year's about to end.

You have, you look back fondly on 2014. Did you enjoy it? 2014 was a great year. Oh, good. You know, it's a great year. It's a great year. You know, I mean, it's good for business. You know, it's a good show.

Good for the economy. Good for, but, um, you know, it, it's my, my still though, my, my record dump is still 1986 in Florida. When you and I and your mother and their sisters did the whole quarter thing, you know, the Disney thing and all that stuff. And I stopped in that gas station in Miami and that's still to this day is my world record. Wow. That's really neat, dad.

I never knew that much stuff could be in there. I still can't believe it. Well, what happens is when you drive in the car a lot, you know, your stuff is moving through, so it builds up. Okay. And then all of a sudden it builds up and all of a sudden, because I drove from Orlando to Miami. Yeah.

No, I got it. Yeah. Oh my God. I don't remember that. That's something. Do you, um, do you think we should just bomb Kim Jong-un and just like light up the whole all of North Korea and just wipe it out? Oh, I tell you.

The guy, the whole thing is a joke. He's a joke. A Christmas overweight. You know, here's a country that's everybody's starving and this guy, he looks like, you know, that he, he looks like he's still being, he, he still looks like he's bottled fat. I mean, he does. He has that.

He has that. I'm still nursing. Look on his face. Okay. Yeah. I mean, that might be the funniest thing I've ever heard. Yeah. No, we hung up there and just sort of there.

Oh, okay. But, um, it's a neat observation. He looks bottle-fed. It really made me laugh. Yeah. You know, the other day I, lately my dumps in the morning have been hasty, like, like he was describing, yeah, where I drink my, my latte and then I have a moment where like I used to have a buffer where I'd be like, Oh, I have to shit.

And then I could like read a little bit more or do some more emailing, but lately it's like, I got a shit. And then I got like this morning I had to run to the bathroom. I was almost afraid I wasn't going to make it. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. That's kind of neat.

Thanks, G. Love G. Love G. Well, Jean's, um, this was our Christmas sign-off. That was really special. Thank you for spawning at Shane Lee. Getting that. Top dog and some fun times and, you know, we're very grateful for the little mommy. All the mommies out there.

All the little mommies. Thank you for being supporters of this show. We're going to keep doing our show, um, into 2015. I guess we'll get one more, uh, there will be a 2014. I think so. All right. Let's see. Next week, it's on your side.

Can you see? Oh yeah. It's, uh, it's New Year's Eve is, yes, New Year's show. Oh. Uh. Uh. Jay. Uh.

Yeah. We got to do another one. Do another one. Yeah. Yeah. I can't wait. Um, I can't wait for next year. It's already so much fun.

Um, just so many fun things going on 2014 was pretty good. We did a lot of shows. We met a lot of mommies. We pulled up a lot of jeans. We're very grateful. So thank you for listening. Thank you for supporting our show. And you know, you guys, everybody that's ever, um, you know, bought a t-shirt, you

know, a Theo 24 seven or, or, or shopped through our banner or watched our, my special or bought an album. We're grateful. Thank you for your support. We love you. And, um, I don't know, is there anything else? Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah.

Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. And we'll be back very soon. Bye jeans. Bye meows. I love you. I ain't going nowhere. I ain't going nowhere.

I ain't going nowhere. I ain't going nowhere. I ain't going nowhere. I don't care. We know what I gotta say. I ain't going nowhere. You know what I'm saying? I ain't going nowhere.

You know what I'm saying? I ain't going nowhere. You know what I'm saying?