Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Ms Pat-245-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 6, 2014

You, the little Mommy, asked. We, The MAIN MOMMY'S, answered and Ms Pat is here! Ms Pat is one of a kind and we LOVE her. While she's lived the kind of life that would make a lot of us bitter, Ms Pat is the opposite. She engaging, full of life and absolutely hilarious.  We get the inside scoop on what has made Ms Pat so funny and such a saavy hustler. Just listen and you'll be saying "I'm a ol' drug dealer" in no time.  Epic stories, DMX audio and a Tom OR Black for the ages. Who wins this one?!? Pull your jeans up and listen.

It's finally happened. I can't believe it's finally here. We've had an outpouring, a demanding for today's episode. The people spoke and we listened to the people and Miss Pat is here. Miss Pat, thank you for joining us today. Thank you all for having me. Great coffee, Christina. Thank you.

Thank you. Be prepared to shit. I don't know if you... I like shit. I've been on the X-Lact diet for a long time. You ever want to get rid of an extra stomach just to pop by five X-Lacts like gum? Yeah. Girlfriend, you will be flabby like my homie.

More room for cheeseburgers. There you go. Didn't you say that your hubby just dropped a bunch of weight? 100 pounds. He turned vegan. Oh, my life. I mean, no milk, no dairy. He's serious about his health.

He dropped 100 pounds. He dropped 100 pounds. And he's still losing. He went on a 40-day fast, just water. I was like, what the fuck are you trying to do, create Noah's art? He must have been shitting a lot, right? Like when you... Well, he always had like a...

He always went regular. I'm the person that had the problem of shitting. Really? Yeah. So when he talked to eating, having it around, it was great. You have problems with your brown? With my what? With your boom-boom?

Your browns? Yeah. I mean, it's just dry. It won't work. Wow. And they... My husband's like, because I take too many X-Lags. Yeah.

Like I'll pop an X-Lag in a minute. When you get at a certain age and you ain't shitting right, you're like, oh, I used to have my daddy right. And he was like, I can't shit. Call 911. Who the fuck called 911? But he would actually call 911. No.

No. Honestly. And that... I swear my hand to God, one time he called 911, he get to the hospital, I meet him at the hospital, the doctor got his fingers up his ass trying to uncut, you know, get it out. Holy shit. And my daddy just laying there. I told you I'm gonna die if he don't get this shit out of my ass.

A little white dog like, oh, I got my hand in his thick, raw ass. And so the dog... My daddy had already been there in the last six months, about five times. 911, full-blown ambulance, five trucks, everything. For shitting. For not shitting. For not shitting. Oh, but his heart can give out, but his shit is serious.

Well, that is a serious problem. You can have severe repercussions for not dumping. Well, the doctor was like, I'm tired of your father, you know, messing with taxpayer money. You know, just coming here because he couldn't shit. So he gave my daddy something so powerful that blew his asshole out. My daddy had one leg, his fucking fake leg went numb. I had to go in there and ply his ass out the toilet. Christina, he had shit all up the back of the wall.

He's like, ain't never taking that shit no more. Yeah, you better not call 911 no more. They got something for your ass at that hospital. 911 for taking this shit. You can ask my husband every fucking week. This man, every other month, he was calling 911 because he couldn't shit. That's so fucking funny. That's amazing.

His kidneys fell. I don't want to go to the hospital. I'm not sick. Yeah. That ass wasn't working. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. You're right.

Yeah. Shitting's important. And dads especially love this shit. My dad's the same way. Oh, man. That's how they calculate how long they're going to live. Oh, I took a dump. That's five more years.

That's right. It's a marker for how you're doing. My dad called me three times yesterday and I was missing the calls. So I called him back and I go, hey man, like I saw you called. What's up? You know, he goes, nah, I just wanted to tell you, I just took the shit. I took the shit out half an hour ago. I'm like, that's why you're calling me?

And he was like, he goes, you know, you really have to calculate how much paper is there because you can get stuck in a situation buddy where you don't have enough paper. My daddy was a, my daddy was a Negro. He didn't care if he ran out to you. He took that brown insert and wiped his ass. You see it floating in the toilet. I'm like, you can't flush this shit, dad. I ran out of paper.

I'm like, I'm gonna get up. My dad was, his mentality was forever poor. Wow. Where did he grow up? Where is he from? Atlanta. Yeah. Deep South.

Deep South. Yeah. And I moved him to Indianapolis where I live in my all white neighborhood and he wasn't getting it. He was not getting it. My son, like white girls, he's like, oh, what the fuck are you doing with her? He going to jail. So I was like, daddy, you can fuck him now. It's okay.

You can marry him. You can have babies by. Yeah. How you think Obama get here? What the fuck is wrong with you? It's 2011. Yeah. Oh, my life.

Well, we're excited. Miss Pat's here. We're going to do a proper, our show open. We have a clip to play and then our opening theme and we're going to get into much more with Miss Pat right now. Hi, guys. I'm taking a break from my regular petition video this week because I'm kind of in hope for, I'm looking for an internet or a real life girlfriend. I recently broke up with my other girlfriend because some guy on Facebook kind of convinced

me he was a girl and we've been, we've been sexting each other for about, I'd say about a good four months now. I've sent him pictures of my body and stuff and then he just turned around yesterday and told me he was hermaphrodite. I don't even know what that is. He just said, I'm a male hermaphrodite or hermaphrodite. This shit is big time. Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura. Tom Sutsu. Christina Pazitzin. Christina Pazitzin.

Welcome to your mom's house. Watch how he plays. He plays all the instruments. Hermaphrodite. Hermaphrodite. Hermaphrodite. Hermaphrodite. This fucking zilch.

The problem with this generation is they lack shame. There's a, there's a severe, remember when you felt embarrassed about shit and you just didn't say it in public. Yeah. Like the first time I had sex, it was in the graveyard. I never told no fucking about it. I felt so nasty. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, this is not supposed to happen. It's not supposed to. They just suck dick on fucking Facebook. Yeah. Wow. They announced it. The girl we played one time was like, I can't help it. I love to suck dick.

I think that's a black girl. No. This was a white girl. Oh yeah. Yeah. I saw her. But she talked. She had like a black up.

She was like, I can't help. I suck dick. You can, you can text me. I might suck your dick behind the. I tried to find her so she can come help me out at the house. Get your ass over here. You can suck all the dick you want. Just tag me in for the easy shit.

Just lay down. Yeah. Exactly. What is this fucking guy doing? This guy is like. Yeah. Like don't, don't put your shit on. Yeah.

That's a little girl. That's a dude. A little boy? I'm just going to assume it's something to do with homosexuality and atheism or something. He assumes that a hermaphrodite is a homosexual or atheist. What a fucking dope. So yeah, I'm in, I'm, I'm kind of looking for an internet girlfriend. I prefer if you were like kind of tall-ish, kind of like a model-ish type of body.

He's a fucking like a three and he's like be a model. Wait a minute. Who the hermaphrodite? He's looking for one of these. You know, he got, he said that he had an internet girlfriend and found out and he was like sending pictures of his body, his dick, I'm sure. And then that person after four months who he thought was a girl. Was a hermaphrodite.

Right, you wrote back. What is he complaining for? Isn't a hermaphrodite both? Yeah, both. Yeah. It's a bonus, you think. You got the hole for sure. Like he can find.

I'm going to put the dick up when you come home. I like my tan girls. Like if you're covered in fake tan, that's kind of okay. But don't, don't go OT where you look like Snooki. So he now has a height requirement. Demands. Look like a model. And then he's like tan is cool, but don't overdo the tan.

What a fucking asshole. So no shame and entitled. Yeah, totally entitled. Snooki's kind of hard to. I kind of like black hair. Look, I've got black Justin Bieber type hair. Very gorgeous as you can see. He's called himself gorgeous.

I don't like pimples. If you have one pimple, no, thank you. I just don't like it. I don't like it. My face is actually very clear. I have gorgeous, luscious eyes. My friends tell me that. He's got pimples.

Fucking piece of shit. He's a fat ass. He's chunky. It's fucking the face. You want a model like this, but you want to do total umbrella? No. Lovely teeth. I got a sexy tongue for tonguing people.

I'm going to throw up. I've also got a fit body as you can see. A lot of people, whenever I go swimming and stuff or we go to beach party, everyone always compliments my body. No, they don't. He's showing his back. He only showing his back. I got a nice body.

People compliment my back. I guess that's a plus for you. That's a plus for you. You have to be in the vampires. Oh boy. I would prefer if you were in the vampires because I have a face for them. And also, I want you to meet my cat. You have to be in the cat.

Come here, Mr. Whiskers. Mr. Whiskers. Mr. Whiskers. Come here. This has to be an act, right? This isn't real. I've watched this kid. I've watched this video.

It seems genuine. Really? He's so young. He's like 11 or 12, yeah? Yeah. I don't know if he'd have the wherewithal. No, I wouldn't say he's that young. This is my cat, Mr. Whiskers.

Say hello, Mr. Whiskers. You might be like Asperger's or something. Find me a girlfriend. We want a girlfriend for Jared. Okay, now I hate his guts. I can't watch anymore. I want to know this. This is like the phenomena of the internet and podcasts.

Yes. How did this all get started? Because you've made the rounds. Everybody in the podcasting world now is like, Ms. Pat, you got to have Ms. Pat. How did this all start for you? This all started, I was at Morty's one night, and a kid called Tim was like,

Ms. Pat, Eddie just sent out a tweet looking for somebody with some real life shit. So he's like, I told him he should get this lady Ms. Pat. So I was like, what did he do? She was like, do podcasts. I'm like, what the fuck is a podcast? We don't know the fuck. I mean, I'm not into podcasts.

Now I am, but it wasn't before. So I went, I came out to LA and did Eddie's podcast, and I got such a huge response. Was it Eddie Ips? Eddie Ips. Talking shit. Talking shit, yeah. Yes.

And then after that, those fans was like, hey, Bert Krashner, you got to get her on. Hey, R, you got to get on. Then they start tagging you and they start tagging Rogan. What the fuck is going on? And I was kind of getting embarrassed. But you know these fucking people alone, they never heard of me. But it's worked out great.

You've done a bunch of them. People love you having you on. And you're going to, I don't know if you, you probably already have, but you're definitely going to see these people at your shows now. Yes. I just had a guy tell me, he said, I'm driving four hours to come see you in Oklahoma City.

Aw. I'm like, holy shit. Yep. That's all from podcasts. It's amazing. It's really great. So how long have you been a stand up for? 11 years.

Okay. I've been in Indy seven years. So you started in Atlanta. Mm-hmm. And then you moved to Indy. Yeah. I started in like an urban setting. Of course.

I'm black. Right? I just started the punchline of no shit. And when I moved to Indy, it was no space for like, you know, just one dimension of comedy. You had to make everybody laugh. So I was like, what the fuck do I do?

So I just started saying, hey, I'm going to share my life. That's some shit I used to be embarrassed about. Yeah. So I just started talking about me. Yeah. And it can't nobody do me like I do me. Yeah, yeah. So did you say you used to like sell dope?

Dope. That's so white, Tom. Wow. You got a black guest. Come on. Okay. You got fucking James Brown on your wall. I used to sell crack.

Okay. They don't say fucking dope. You get jumped off. You walk in the hood and say, give me some dope. They like, get the fuck out of here, police. I'm looking for dope. So what did he call crack? What's the proper word?

Crack. Just crack. Like if I wanted to buy it, I would just be like, excuse me, Miss Pat, do you have any crack for me? Well, my name wasn't Miss Pat back then. Okay. I was rabbit. They was like, hey, give me two or give me three.

Why y'all laughing? That was my name. What did you say? Would you say you straight? If you saw me walking up. Huh? Would you say you straight? You straight.

Yeah. Remember our buddy who used to smoke crack in Louisville. It was a white dude and he said he would go. Oh, I just did a show with that fucker. He just opened for me. What's his name? I forget his name. Jamie Ullen.

Jamie, that's right. I was trying to get him to tell those crack stories on stage. Me too. Me too. It was like you need to talk about this. It was so fucking funny. I was like, your set is horrible. Stop doing them fucking cat jokes, white boy.

And tell everybody you smoke crack. He's like, I've only been clean two years. I'm embarrassed. The fuck is you embarrassed for? You fat now. It was so funny. It was so fun. He stole his mama walker while she was taking a shit.

I hollered. And I was like, why are you never with the jail? He's like, because I only stole from people that I love. I was like, that's white shit. That is funny. We said, how did you get crack? I used to go to bad neighborhoods in Louisville and get crack. And he goes, he said, well, I would just go and then they would say, you're straight.

And you said to him, what does that mean? And he goes, I don't know. I just know it led to crack. Now, here's my question with crack. We were just talking about this. It's so funny. The high only lasts like five to seven minutes per rock, right? Now, I can call my sister and ask her that Christina, because I've never done crack.

But I mean, you know. Yeah, exactly. Because they'd be back at it. Right back at it. Yeah. They'd be right back at it and walk all night. Oh my God. They walk?

Like that's what you do with your eyes? They would walk the street until they all of their money gone and you could get pushes for four dollars. Damn. It was horrible. When that shit hit the black community, that shit blew my mind. That's the only time you saw a black woman one taking care of her kids. What's crack?

Crack. When that upper dead hit in the 80s, I was like, wow. And my sister got right on that shit and she left all her children. Damn. Crack is powerful. And they say, what I hear is that when you smoke it, you always searching for that first high. Yeah.

Chasing the dragon. So after four hundred dollars, if you don't have it, don't you realize you're not going to get it? But your brain is like, like you're like an animal at that point. Yeah. I guess. I don't know. It makes you so fucking ugly.

Like you see really pretty ladies turning into shit. Same with math. Yeah. Math is horrendous too. Yeah. So how did you get into that business? Like how do you become a crack dealer? Well, it's not an application.

Do you apply it? No, there's such a way. Did you interview with somebody? No. What happened was it hit the black community at that time. I'm about 13, 14. So I'm pregnant with my first child. Damn.

And then I get pregnant again with my second child at 15 and I cannot get a job for shit. So I'm like, everywhere I went, there's like, you need a work permit. So I'm like, how the fuck I need to work permit when I got two fucking children at 15. So then I was like, I gotta take care of my kids. So I started selling crack because that's what it was. So it was for me, it was great because it was so many crackheads just living next door to me who had nine to five jobs. Right.

So I was like, I get this shit and just sell it to my neighbors. Right. And then they just keep coming and they keep. How big of quantities would you buy? The most I ever bought was like a half a key. Okay. I think back then I want to, I want to see if I'm right with the math now. I think they used to call like eight to $10,000.

So you would take that and cut it all up in the street value of pop out to about 2025. It's according to how you cook it and how did it bounce back. Right. Wow. So you made some good money. It's a good business. It's a good business. It's a good business.

Yeah. Now, were you ever afraid of being caught? Like what kind of precautions do you have to take? Well, I shipped a lot of the drugs around and my kids pampered. Don't come judging me saying how horrible I was. I already know I was fucking horrible. I was 15. You were 15 years old.

You didn't. There's nothing you could have done. I heard one guy was like, you were horrible. Bitch, tell me something I don't know. Get the frozen cucumber out your ass and leave me alone. Well, you were 15 years old. It's not like you're, you're fully, you're not an adult yet, dude. Yeah.

With two kids. So I would ship the drugs around with my kids. It's smart, actually. Yeah. Yeah. Because at the time they didn't realize people was putting drugs on their kids. So this is when the shit first came out. So I ended up going to prison for it.

You did? Yeah. I did a year in jail. Fuck. And I realized I was like, you know what? This ain't what I want to do. But I got out and still continue to do it because that's all I knew. Right.

Yeah, of course. You know, it's, my husband stepped in when I was about 19 and showed me how the world really worked. So then when you in that environment, that's all you know. Everything else don't exist. Yeah. And that's what people don't realize. I mean, you're just a part of your environment, of course, dude.

That makes a lot of sense. So when you did the year, you did it in the South and like in Georgia? Yeah, Georgia. When you got out, you went back to, how did, how did you finally go like no more? Because of your husband? Yeah. Because I met, I met my husband and he was like, he was like, I like you. He said, but you know, your name is rabbit.

I can't take you home to meet my mama named rabbit. And he's like, you selling drugs. I just got out to military. He had just came back from fighting that first world Persian girl. Yeah. And he's like, just give real life a try. And that shit was hard because I was used to driving a Cadillac, having all this nice shit.

You know, you can go to the mall, spend five, $6,000. It wasn't shit. It was just, hey, I'm me. And then when you go and you fucking clock in at a McDonald's and what the fuck is $80 for a whole week. Yeah. You're like, holy shit, reality kick in. But you stuck with it because of him?

I stuck with it. I'm not going to say yes. I stuck with it because of him. I stuck with it because I had two kids that I did not want to end up in the environment that I was in. Yeah. I didn't want my daughter to have a baby at teenage. I mean, as a teenager, I didn't want to get killed in the street because I got shot

twice. So I mean, I was headed for jail or death. What went down when you got shot? First time I got shot, which one came first? Oh, my kid's father shot me in the head. Oh, my life. Yeah. So he was very fucking abusive.

And then the second time I got shot. Was he looking for dope? No, no, no. He wasn't. No, some old jealous shit. And we gets to fighting. And he said he didn't mean to shoot me and they fucking toe had the back of my head. Oh, so then I got shot in my, my, my titty.

So I'm just shouting 45 and this fucker just tell my ariola nip up on 45 shot me up under my arm. Fuck. Like, was he trying to rob you? We was, we was, we was into it. Like I stuck my piss in his face, like, get the fuck out of here. He spit on my car. So then he come back and he started shooting.

And so I'm running into these crack house and a bullet hit me up under my arm. I didn't even realize it was a bullet. I actually thought that I fucking snagged my titty on the dough. Yeah. I'm bleeding. Well, you know, I thought it was a little blood and when I'm looking at it, she's just gushing. What the fuck?

So when the, when the EMT pull up, they say you've been shot. It went in here and came out and it just blew it apart. Whoa. That's fucking. So is this towards the end of your like, no, no, no, no, I've been, I think I've been shot twice at 15 or I don't remember if I was 15 or 16. Christ. Yeah.

That's heavy, dude. You've been through a lot. By the age of 15, you've already lived five, six, seven lifetimes. Yeah. I mean, so then, okay. So then you meet your husband and I imagine things become a little bit more stable. A lot more stable. Yeah.

That was the only time that the bills was paid on time. I didn't have to move. I didn't have to worry about nobody punching me in my fucking eye or Friday because my baby daddy had like 20 kids and everybody loved this Negro for some reason as oh, and he, I thought I was the main bitch. You know, everybody think they were, if you, I'm the main bitch, you can cheat. Just let the other holes know I'm the main bitch. Cause I mean, my whole thing in my, in my mind, I was like, Oh, I stole him from his

wife. Mm-hmm. That was my whole thing. I was like, I'm the baddest bitch. Cause I, the first one had the outside kid fucking naive and stupid I was, I was 15. So when my husband came along, it was stability for me and I didn't have to be called bitches and holds and get beat on and get, you know, catching him in bed with two and three women's and you know, he used to take my drug money and winding down his bitch.

I call him, one time I call him in my Fleetwood Cadillac. I think I'm about 16 at a time. So he called a friend, his friend called looking for him and he told me he was going with a friend. So I was, the friend was like, no, he's not with me. So my daughter, my daughter at the time, Ashley, she used to, she had a great memory. If he went, took her to a whole house, she knew how, she knew how to get back there. Wow.

I'm serious. So I throw in the call with me and I go towards departments where I knew the friend, but I didn't know the exact apartment and she was like, Oh, right. Live right there, mommy. So I get out and I hide this motherfucker, pull up in my Cadillac, bump in my music with the bitch in the car. And if that ain't enough, he got this bitch on my jury at the time, black people was really into them thick ass, hair and bone necklace.

She get out the car with my jury on in my car. So I run up there with my 45 pistol and I knocked the cold shit out of him. We out there fight. Do you know, I grabbed this bitch, I said, take my jury out. He gave me this. So I tried to strangle that bitch with a hair and bone necklace. This nigga roll right off and leave us out there fight in my car and stay here for two weeks.

Whoa. That's so crazy. Jesus Christ. Can I tell you that? That like Tom and I, we always talk about this. I think what would make me so madly if he got a bitch like a side piece is that that bitch is getting all your money and like all your fucking shit. Like just, if you fuck up, just pay a hoe off like, because the problem is that they

keep coming back. They want more. Don't give her my stuff for God's sake. Yeah. Bitch, the stuff. Yeah, deal, deal, deal. So you, this is wild. So this dude, obviously you finally break away from him.

Yes. And I mean, when I, when I woke up, let me tell you what woke me up. So I've been through so much shit with this dude, you know, from him being married to, he was so cold-blooded and I look back sometime and I used to cry about this shit. But when I started talking about it, I started to heal. So here I am 14 years old, just gave birth by this man. He's 22 years old. I mean, gave birth to my first baby by this man.

He's 22 years old. This nigga was so cold-blooded. He come to the hospital with his new girlfriend. Why? Ask this bitch. Was I ugly? Now, let me back up because me and that girl is still friends to this day. We fucking like, we really close.

We ended up, she actually helped me raise my kids in the long run. But he showed up at the hospital with her and asked her, was I ugly? That's how cold-blooded he was. So the next year, she get pregnant and then I'm pregnant. I'm said, we ain't friends at this time, really. I'm at the hospital and they call my name. Then they call her name and we sitting in the fucking doctor's office like this here, we both getting all blood drawn and we sitting there pregnant by the same man.

Oh my God. That's how, I would show up at the hospital at Christine, three, four bitches would be there. And he would be their baby daddy. Damn. This dude really did have like 20-some kids. He got a lot of fucking kids, yeah. I want to ask you this, so because I'm fascinated about like a female drug dealer making money.

Was there a lot? A lot. Because I picked, you don't picture a lot. Most of the girls in the hood got the dope dude. So all you had to do was shop and you know, take care of him. So that's what that was. You were doing it. I was doing it myself.

That's why. Good for you. I fucking love that shit, man. Good for you. And I think what's the advantage to that is that people don't expect a woman to do shit in our society. You know, I get more stories like this shit can't be true. I got two gunshot wounds to show you that this kid is true.

I got a convicted fucking, I'm a convicted felon. You can pull him out of work and watch all of the old paperwork runoff drug dealer running over a baby daddy, slapping bitches, brand over crackheads. I got this shit to prove that. It was crazy. Yeah. I love it. So fast forward like-

This is your movie. I know. This is your story. I love it. You have this guy now who's your husband and then how soon after that, like how long till you start doing comedy? What makes you start comedy? Well, what made me start comedy is I got, well, I got custody of my sister for kids

out there. I got my life together. My sister on crack. So they took her kid. So now I'm 17. I don't fucking remember the quiet age, but I'm a fucking teenager, not even 21 yet. And I got six kids. Geez.

My four kids, my two kids and I just got married. So everybody's like, why is you with this bitch with all these kids? You don't have no kids by her. And so I moved to the suburbs of in Atlanta, which is Riverdale, Georgia, and I started to raise my kids. And who was the fucking question? How'd you get into comedy? Oh, oh, I went to the welfare office and I'm reapplying for my food stamps.

And I tried it. When I go, I always have my stories together. All I gotta do is make the case worker cry, recertify me, and white women are easy to make me cry. Of course. Really? Of course. I'm crying right now.

Jesus Christ. I want to give Ms. Pat a hug. Always. They always want to fucking hug me like that. No, Christina, write a bitch a chick. He feels so much better. So I go to, I go to, I get a black case worker and I tell her these stories and they back fire.

The bitch busts out laughing. And she was like, you should be a comedian. This shit is funny. Like Richard Pryor. And I'm like, bitch, I didn't come in for no job. I came here and fucking for something free. Yeah. Yeah.

And she stayed on me. Like you should be a comedian. And that's my gum. I'm going to this day. No shit. Really? I talk to her every fucking day. Really?

Wow. Really? The case worker. The case worker. She's my biggest fucking fan. I talk to this lady every day. I call her mama when I go home to Atlanta and her kids just immediately accept me. They love the fucking story.

How did the first time go when you just end up? It went well because I mean, I walk into this little place called a pub in Atlanta. I didn't really know what a joke was. So I said, I'm just going to tell her my brother used to be a cat burglar and he fat as fuck. So I told the first joke. I said, you know, my brother used to break in people's house. He broke in his white lady house one day and she was watching TV. He kicked the door into my freeze bitch on the FBI and took her TV and VCR and we jumped

in the car. That was my first job. That's funny. That's a funny first joke for sure. So I was like, oh, I went with the girl who he brought to the hospital and asked me was I ugly because we live around the street from each other. That's how we raised our kids as cousins. So she was like, oh, you were so fucking funny.

You I was like, oh, I'm a comedian. I don't know the fuck I was doing. And then you stuck with it. I stuck with it. And my husband hated it. He hated it because I would tell my husband all these horror stories about my life. And he's like, Pat, don't tell people that. Don't tell people that.

Don't tell people that. That's the best part to tell. Yeah. Because he didn't understand comedy, but I would tell these stories to him, but I would go out and do the typical, you know, fucking urban comment. I suck dick. Niggas ain't shit. Yeah.

And he's like, I don't want to hear that shit. Stop talking about your pet role. He's like, stop. You're not fucking funny with them chicken house jokes. And so I was like, I'm going to figure it out, motherfucker. Just wait till I figure it out. And then you figured out to talk about the show. When I got to Indianapolis, I figured it out.

And now he's a fucking miss Pat. And he believed. Yeah. And I prayed. I was like, Lord, bring my husband a record. Because he tried to make me quit. He did. He was like, coming home fucking weed smelling like cigarette.

You ain't telling no goddamn joke. I can't help people smoke at the comedy club the fuck is you talking about? Yeah, of course. So he hated it. Well, it's tough. We have kids and everything. Yeah. And he doesn't understand.

I had eight kids then. Jesus. So you're going out at night in the clubs. Eight kids at home with a husband. That's a lot. You raised your sister's kids. Yeah. For 10 years.

My sister. That's wild. And she got them back and turned them into straight hoes. True story. She she did not. I was trying to break the cycle of my family of everybody dropping out, everybody, you know, getting pregnant at a teenager. So when she came and got her girls back, they just turned to straight hoes.

I got one of her daughters at my house right now, 23 years old with four fucking kids. What? Four. And then she can't understand. Like, I don't have no time to myself. Well, bitch. You should have swallowed. Yeah.

You chose to keep these kids. So you're fucking mama and the dad is in jail for fucking doing dry buys. And I try to constantly tell this world on all you shit is all about getting up, getting out and get something. Nobody gives a fuck if you've got four kids. Of course. No one got to make a way for you and these four kids because nine time out of ten, who you who you have the baby by anyway, you might not be with him for over, you know, you might

not spend the rest of your life with him. So you when when was it in your head to say, I need to stop having fucking baby? I mean, I don't have a problem with you having unprotected sex, but protect yourself from fucking financial disaster. Of course. And you have to look out for yourself. You're the only one that's going to, especially in show business. You learn that in show business.

Shit. Yeah, you learn that in show business. Yeah. And I'm old, so I can't suck no dick to the top. I can't either. I wish I could. God damn it. I don't have nice little perky titties that I can stick in somebody's face right here.

You want to hear my life story? You want to hear my comedy? That's all I got to say. I don't have no nice thighs and pull. I pull up my script like, get the fuck out of here. What was that? You know, it's my mother was very diligent about teaching me about like taking the pill and birth control because boys don't give a fuck.

We were talking about this too, that young boys, they don't give a fuck. They don't just bust nuts and anything. And it's it is. Unfortunately. It was always about like, I wasn't like, I wasn't trying to convince women when I was younger, like let me, you know, not wear a condom. But if the woman was like, it's cool, the guys, I would never think they don't think I have a 14 year old that, well, at the time he was 10 and I call it was on TV.

He will bust and nuts every day to that show. Just sitting on the sofa, jacking his dick and I'm like, I don't know. I told my husband, I was like, you gotta tell your son he can't jack his dick in the living room, watching our calling. Take that shit to the bathroom. I said, jumbo, are you jacking your dick? What are you talking about? Mama, get your goddamn hands out your pants in this living room.

He love my call. In the living room. Well, you know, he would think you couldn't see it, but he's sitting there watching our college just playing with that little thing, wearing the skin off of it. Baby, you gotta tell your son he can't jack his dick to our calling during the day. You need to record that shit and do it while we sleep. Like an adult, like a grown man. Yeah, you gotta jack your dick in doors.

I remember being on family vacations though, and like in the minivan, and I would be in the back with like a blanket, jacking my dick in the back while the whole family is there. Jesus. Animals. Yeah, they're animals. We never wanted to stick our hands in our vagina. No. One thing about the vagina, it never really gets that feeling, I think, until you don't

stuck a penis in it anyway. So it's not going to know how to jump for it until somebody touch it for the first time. Well, we know we're the ones that have to deal with the repercussions of sex. I think women, like I always had a sense of responsibility in my genitals. These guys, it's just loads everywhere. There's no responsibility. No guilt. Miss Pat, have you heard DMX riding the slingshot in Orlando?

Did you hear about this? I saw it on YouTube, but I didn't really listen to it. So it's fucking, it's amazing. He's riding the slingshot in Orlando. Here's some audio from it. I mean, it's like he's doing one of his fucking songs. So you know what? Somebody did.

This is so brilliant. They laid him doing that on his actual song. And it sounds like like a DMX song because that's the shit he used to do like in his actual music. Yeah. Yeah. So here he is. No, sorry.

This is the other one. Let me get the other one. DMX. It's amazing. He need to send that shit to DMX. DMX need to fucking, I don't know who you are, but you need to send DMX that shit. Oh my God. Because he need to battle them off.

He does. He does. It's hilarious. You know what's crazy because he really talked like that. That's exactly like. Imagine him fucking you. I'm coming. Yeah.

That's like his real cadence. That's him. I always thought, you know, that's somebody's performance thing was like he would bark and yell. Yeah. Yeah. But like he's doing that. Riding a roller coaster.

That's him doing. That's how he rides a roller coaster. So funny. Wow. And to keep it DMX, they laid DMX to the Reading Rainbow song. This is my favorite one. Oh my God. You read this one?

No, I haven't heard either of these shit. This is the Reading Rainbow song. This one made me laugh. That real shit. You snore. Come on. Let's get it on. Take a look.

Nigga. My nigga. Reading rainbow. You think that's a thing? I can't. No. My nigga. Reading rainbow.

You think that's a thing? I can't do it anyway. My nigga. You ready to know. My nigga. Where is the girl? My nigga. Reading rainbow.

Here we go again. I can't be anything. Same old shit. Take a look. My nigga. Reading rainbow. He's the shit. I'll be chasing you.

You think that's a thing? You think it's a thing? What ya really want? But I know who is him, but they need to give deal mix all of this bullshit. He did a hit. He doesn't. Somebody just re, reinvented his career. He's touring.

He's touring right now. Well he don't know about his real approximation on the internet. DMX needs to get his ass off and get this real song. This shit is hilarious. That is amazing. Can you see people dancing to that ring? It's amazing. I ain't white people.

That's the type of shit you can let your kids listen to. Him on this roller coaster though is just, I cannot get enough of him. It's scary. It is scary. It is scary. It's scary. It's scary right here. Hey, up, watch him alive.

Shit, shit, shit. I was scared. Cam right here. Cam right here. It ain't nothing. It ain't nothing. It's so alive. It ain't nothing.

It ain't nothing. All the yelling. We did it. We did it. We did it for the camera, yo. We making a way for the camera. We wasn't really scared. No, he didn't say what he thought.

He said, of course. No, no, no. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

You wanna go again? No. No. No. We cool. That's all right. Fuck you. Oh, DMX.

He played this the first time that he has the wherewithal to hold on to his chain. That's an experienced guy. That's a guy who's lost chains. Chains have fallen off. Chains have been snatched. Tom. For sure. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Let me speak. I'm black. That's black shit. You don't wanna lose your chain. Right, but that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. It ain't because it been snatched. He holding on to it.

He DMX. He can't afford it anymore. I... He cannot fucking afford it anymore. He lose that chain. And that's it. You buy jewelry so in case you go broke, you can pawn that shit. I saw DMX, Method Man, Red Man, and Jay-Z in concert.

And when Method Man came out, they put him on a thing where he would like fly above the crowd. And the first show he dipped out, he flew about, his chain hung down and dude came up, bam, snatched it right off of him. What? Like $40,000 diamond-impressed chain. That's so crazy, dude. Ganked that shit right off of his neck.

Did they find him? Hell no, they didn't find that dude. There was 30,000 people at this thing. He just pocketed some Method Man. I would have broke that bitch apart and sold it diamond by diamond. Yeah. Yeah. He got a chain.

But you know a lot of that shit ain't real, right? For sure. Yeah. I didn't know that. So that motherfucker just snatched the middle of the mall jewelry. That one about $200 at yourself. I heard that even the rap dudes who have the million dollar one will wear the fake one out.

I mean, you've been poor before and that's what I understand. You know, I'm black. We like to be flashy. I don't know yet, Christina. You know, I think I'm over this shit. But if I get a fucking sitcom or a movie deal, I might buy $10,000 pocketbook. Who the fuck knows? You know, you don't know what you're going to do when you got all that kind of money.

Yeah. But we flashy the more money, the more purple suits you're going to see. That's right. Steve Harvey is purple suits, right? Steve Harvey, too. All black people got Easter suits. See, the thing is, my parents are Eastern European immigrants. And I grew up, single mom, we put plastic on the couches.

We put seat covers on the Toyota seat. You understand? Like I still have that in me where I don't, I don't bring my good stuff out. You know what I mean? So you can show it off. Right. Black people had to do that back in the day. You know, you saw coming to America, the Jerry curl juice was fucking horrendous.

Actually it would kill your furniture. Like you were going to sleep. I tell you, I was so poor, but I had a Jerry curl. That was my time when I was hungry. I would stick that curl in my mouth and just suck that shit because it was sweet. Are you serious? It was sweet. I remember the spray.

I went, yeah. The girl sitting in front of me in class would have it. Stay South Rowan. You know, the California curl. That was huge. And then Jericho used to fuck me up because that juice would give me acne real bad. So here I am with flawless hair on a fucked up face. I remember that.

I remember that in the 80s. I remember girls. You had a Jerry curl? No, I did. Yes. Very. No, no, no. But girls, girls in my school, didn't I remember like seeing it real shiny here?

Yeah. Because wherever the curl juice touched, a lot of times it would break the fuck out. Right. Your neck was always sticky. Yeah. It was always extra black because that curl juice in the sun hit it. You pull a fucking curl up in the back of his neck and just darker than anything else. That's so good.

It looked like the trim of your ass. You know, when you black, the bottom of your ass is always black. I guarantee if you could lift James Brown hair on that picture, the back of his neck was blacker than him and he was black. Yeah, he was black. Yeah, yeah. Are you going to go see the James Brown movie? Yeah, I probably will.

Yeah, I want to see it. I do. I want to see it. Everybody hit you up about this game. Oh, let me get ready. Hold on. This is very exciting for us. I don't know if you're ready.

Are you ready for a game? I'm ready for whatever you got. Okay. Miss Pat, it's time to play Tom or Black. This episode. I'm the one that had the elephants roosting in trees. Shit, man. That's Tom Segura.

He was a for real grimy nigga. You think I give a fuck about a motherfucking red light? Faggot cop can't touch me. I'm my head spoke to weed, speedy, all that, dawg. Fuck that. That's me. I put trademark around your fucking eyes. It's time for Tom or Black.

So you didn't know this, Miss Pat, but my husband, he's pretty much black on the inside. That's the theory here. I'm quite sure what all this nigga thing means. Yes. Thank you. There's a lot of Edwards on this episode. I'm like, oh my God. I guess it's black.

Right. I mean, look, he can do a very impressive black yelling voice. And do you want to tell the big daddy Kane story? Well, you know, I had a special come out and I talked about how I could do a convincing black voice and that I did it to big daddy Kane. And then big daddy Kane saw it and then big daddy Kane called me and I got to meet big daddy Kane and I was really excited. Oh, wow. All from his yelling at big daddy Kane as a black man would try to trick him. Okay.

So anyways, that's the backstory of this. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to play clips for you and it's real simple. You just have to say that's a black guy or that's Tom trying to sound like a black guy. Okay. That's it. It's pretty simple. Are you ready? I think I got it.

Okay. You might have this black shit down back. I don't know. I don't know. It always changes. Should I tell her how Sidney did? No, no. Okay.

Do you want to? No, I know we won't. Okay. I don't want to hinder you. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right.

Here we go. All right. God damn it. You can hear as many times as you want by the loudest. One more time. Okay. God damn it. That's you.

All right. Number one. God damn it. She told me. Okay. Here we go. Is that you? We'll tell you again.

We'll tell you again. Oh, shit. Yeah. Hey, yo. One more time. Hey, yo. That's a black man. Black man.

Okay. One more time. That's you, Tom. She's giving ride to me. We're going to keep going. We're going to keep going. Walk us through your thinking process a little bit. Huh?

What makes you... Yeah, what makes you say that's Tom? Walk us through your thought process a little bit, Mr. Pat. I know black people, I think. That's a pretty good answer, actually. It's a very good answer. That's cricket right there. One more time.

That's cricket right there. I want to say that's you, Tom. You want to say that's me? Yeah. Okay. You want to hear it again? Yeah, let me hear it again. That's cricket right there.

I think that's you. Okay. What are you thinking? Why do you say Tom? She knows black people. I think I know black people. That's a nice answer. If I'm wrong, I'm going to be fucking...

I'm going to lose my fucking African-American card. Oh, you're fucking pretty good at... Well, we don't know. We'll come back to that in a little bit. Okay. It's going on here. One more time. It's going on here.

One more time. It's going on here. That sound like you. That ain't how black people say what's going on here. Okay. Okay. Go. Fuck with my ass, man.

That's somebody black. That's a Negro. One more time. That's a Negro. Fuck with my ass, man. Yeah, that's a Negro there. I hear that y'all. Fuck with me.

There's just a few more, okay? Okay. Didn't take any mess. Then what? Didn't take any mess. One more time. Didn't take any mess. That sound like you, too.

Okay. Okay. You want to talk some shit? That's somebody black. I'm going to be getting them all fucked up. No, you're not. We try not to give you any indication. Okay, you don't have to know.

It's the clips that make us laugh. We play these clips a lot on the show. Yeah, so they just make us laugh. It's not you. It's not you. Yeah. I left a wallet there. One more time.

I left a wallet there. I want to say that as you, Tom. One more time. I left a wallet there. I'm going to say that's a black person. I know I'm fucking wrong, but I'm going to say that's a black person. What do you...

I just feel like that's Tom. The way you just said black. Huh? Is it me or black? I'm saying it's a black person, but I feel deeply... Okay. In the bottom of my ass like it's you.

So your final answer is... I'm going to say it's a black person. Okay. There's two more, okay? Two more. Two more, here we go. One more time. One more time.

One more time. One more time. One more time. One more time. One more time. One more time. One more time. One more time.

That's your ass, Tom. Yeah. Okay. One more. Last one. Ready? You got your... Are you keeping...

I am. Yeah. That's a black person. Okay. All right. How bad did I do Chrissy? No, I'm... I'm tallying up.

It's, you know... So tell her... Now we can tell her, how did the last black man in here do? Sydney Castillo came in here. He did the... Tom or black. How did he do?

Sydney got them all wrong. He did every single one. But you did not. You did not. I can tell you ahead of time, you did not. Okay. Okay. So very first...

A very first one was God damn it, right? God damn it, yes. And she said... God damn it. You said Tom. You were wrong on that one. Here's the full clip. God damn it.

God damn it. It's a black man orgasm. He just had an orgasm. See, Adam, I've never heard a black man orgasm. Yeah. You can trick a lot of women with that shit. Yeah. If you listen to it, Tom, you got me real good.

If that was a black bitch orgasm, I could have said, hey, that's a black woman. Oh, shit. Next one was Hey Young. That was the next one? Yeah. Okay. All right.

Here we go. Hey Young. She said... Black. That's me. Fuck, you are black. Hey Young. Hey Young.

Yeah, yeah. Hey Young. I practiced this shit, you know? I see. Yeah, I practiced this one. It's fine. You know how to get out of LA getting raw. Yo, I'm one of you, motherfucker.

I'm you. Hey, I'm Barack Obama. I just didn't take the dark side. What's the third one? Right tonight. That's the third one? We don't ride tonight. Okay.

We don't ride tonight. Don't tell me that's you. She said Tom. You said me. You said Tom. Yeah, you're right. You said me and guess what? It's me.

Okay. We don't ride tonight. We don't ride tonight. We don't ride tonight. You sound a white to me. That's how we're white. You're a white boy trying to be black. Okay.

Upon further listening, yeah. Upon further review, that's a white boy. That's cricket. Okay. So, so far, she's what? She got one right, two wrong. Yeah, two wrong. Okay.

So, cricket is next. That's cricket right there. You said me. Uh-huh. And let's see. I'm wrong. No. No.

Hold on. Here it is. Then one guy will be like, yeah. That's cricket right there. That's you. That's me. That's from stand up. I just isolated it from stand up.

I mean, are you impressed? I guess. Because they, yeah, your husband really can. Do you ever tell him to, hey, I want that black dick tonight. Every night. Leave that white dude in the fucking living room. Every night? Why do you think I married him?

I want you to jangle this pussy. All the time. Jangle this pussy. Don't you bring Tom Cruise to the back? I want you to jangle. All the time. Black salami. That's his nickname.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. All right. What's going on here? What's next? Okay. What's going on here? Now, you said me, because black folks don't talk like that.

But the problem is. It's black. I know this house. I came down here. I saw all the limbs and things right now. I saw a hole in the window. I said, what's going on here? I said, your knees in the hospital.

I thought it was in Jackson. Yes, black eye. Oh, that's a slave. That's not a fucking black guy. I want my fucking point. That's a slave. You told me black people, you didn't tell me how to identify slaves. That's a slave.

That's a fucking slave. What's going on here? The underground railroad bitch, Ron. That's the best answer we've ever had. I want my fucking point, Christine. That's a fucking slave. That ain't no black man. They different.

They didn't become black men until the 70s. That's a slave. What's going on here? Underground railroad bitch, you better run. What's going on here? Y'all ain't cheating on us, huh? That's a fucking slave, Tom. I want my point.

You told me to identify black people as slaves. I am taking the points where I can get them because you're good. What was next? Fuck me in my ass. Okay. That's right. Fuck me in my ass, man. Fuck me in my ass, man.

Oh, now. Holy shit. I don't think black men, well, it is 2014. They like it in their ass now, but that's an older voice. I don't think he was like, fuck me in my ass, man. You said that that was a black man, right? Yeah. Fuck me.

Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. I was right. I was right. You're right. You're right, man. You're right, man.

Oh, shit. I know Black Faggots. You're fucking me. You fucking feel good. Oh, open your fucking mouth. I'm gonna be in my ass. Oh, thank God my gay cousin. I'm gonna be in my ass, man.

Shit. Shit. I like the name Black Faggots as a band, though. It's a good band name. I like, oh, thank God for my gay cousin. Punk Rock Band with Black Faggots. Black Faggots is a great name for a punk band. And a lot of me is an Atlanta.

Oh, shit. All right. So you're misguided. That was good. The next... What's our current score? She's gotten three wrong. And...

Am I right? Wait, hold on. What? Yes, correct. So we're even right now. So three and three. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

It's getting hot right now. It says it didn't take a... It didn't take any mess. Okay. It didn't take any mess. That's your ass. Thankfully, it's not. It's Tony Gwynne.

He's black. It didn't take any mess, as my mom likes to say. You fucking up, Tom. You said black people. You didn't say black educated people. Okay? Get this shit right. Y'all are here cheating on us, sister.

I'm trying to throw... Christina Wee Girls. Come on, now. Tell them this shit ain't right. I'm sorry, miss. You didn't tell me you were going to bring the motherfucking Malcolm M's voice. I have to try to mislead you. I gotta mislead you.

Shit. I didn't know... I don't want you to get this shit right. I want you to get it wrong. You fucking... I'm thinking about... Black people in the hood. You bring me educated and slaved.

That shit ain't the same time. Waves. Fuck. I see this path brings an interesting point. I didn't know there were subcategories of black voices. I didn't know. Yes. This is the one you don't want to live around.

And the ones you don't want to have a seal get it. I want all different voices to be in people's heads when they play this game. You know? Yeah. They're wrong. This is so fun. What's next? This is my favorite one.

This game's fun. You want to talk some shit? You want to talk some shit? She said... What did I say? You said black. Please tell me. Was that true, Tom?

No. Oh, fuck yeah! We even again got that. I love that Miss Patrick's excited about this game. This is the best. You want to talk some shit? You want to talk some shit? Yeah.

Because I've got... You know, that's what a nigga say when he punch in your eye. Oh, bitch, you want to talk some shit? Come here. I'm about to punch in your fucking eye. That one brought back some memories. Can you cuss on this podcast? Of course.

Of course. You want to talk some shit? Brought back some memories? Yeah, that's what a nigga punch me when they say, Oh, Friday. Nah, nigga, I don't want to talk no shit. I got your grits ready. Oh, fuck.

What's next? The wallet. The wallet. I left a wallet there. That's you, Tom. She said me. Right? Now, remember this one you were torn on, correct?

You said that your asshole says... No, no. That's the next one. I have black here, but I don't know. I think you wrote it down wrong. Okay. You said it, Tom. Then you're right.

You're right. Hey, shit! Yeah. You didn't say it like you had stole something. I left a wallet there. Yeah, see, black people ain't saying that. Black people never leave a wallet there and come back a little bit and cut them up.

Next month, fuck it all. They stole it. So, a black folk leave it while I... God damn, they done got me. Then I go back and say I left a wallet there. Only white people... Oh, did you see me in my wallet? Get the fuck out of here.

I already stole your shit and sent it to my daddy for a Christmas gift. Oh, shit. Yeah, I'm pretty sure she said that. And then this is the one that's in the bottom of her asshole what she felt... She came through. This one. He came through.

You said black, but in the bottom of your ass, it felt like me, but you said black. He came through. That's you, ain't it? That's me. He came through. Fuck! Can we go with the bottom of my asshole?

My asshole was right. Did Tom beat me? Well, we're not. We have one more. Last one. We have one more. I want y'all to know they ain't here cheating on us. They ain't here cheating.

No, wait. Is it even right now? What's it at? No, you fucking win it. One, two, three, four, five, wrong. And then one, two, three, four, five, right. So, she's... Five and five.

She's five and five, dude. Anybody ever got five and five? I don't remember. No, I don't think so. This is a close game. This is a close game. And we've never gone all the way to the end where it's tied up and it's like, who's it going to go to?

This is it. This is dramatic. This is a dramatic finale. Oh, shit. Come on. The final play. Come up, come on up the top row. You said that is a black man.

Fuck, I think that's you. Come up, come on up the top row. That's fucking Tom. Oh, fuck. That's you. You like to get it right. Who won? It's Tom.

I win. I was right. Did I win? No, you didn't win, boo boo. Why did you win? Because you said, you said this was a black man. Oh, that's you, Tom. Oh, my God.

You cheated. You turned down the volume in my fucking head. No, I did not. I never touched it. I never touched it. That was Tom. Oh, my God. I'm sorry, Ms. Pat.

The game is a hard game. It's not an easy game. No, no, that's Tom. You cheated. You threw in some rope-a-dope shit. You put a slave in there. You put an educated brother. You ain't fooling around.

You're not fooling around. You're an educated brother. You ain't fooling nobody. You ain't until you come to Miles and do a podcast, I got it. Get in that base some fucking bitches, big biscuits bitch. Oh, shit. Wow, that was a nail-biter there. That was amazing.

I'm sorry, fans. I lost. They talked about that game. They thought I had it because I'm hood, Mr. Nipple. You just fucked me up. You fucked up my hood crazy. See, I think that that's the thing is that the more cred you have, actually, the harder this game is,

because Sidney had a lot of street cred and he got zero. Still ain't gone. That thing, it makes a difference. Street cred, suburban street creds ain't shit. He may not have suburban street creds. My Medicaid, I mean, my Blue Cross Blue Shield is at that. Blue Cross Blue Shield Key is at the house. Got suburban, you know, the biggest thank you.

Who brought the weed to school? Shut the fuck up and rob a look of stuff. Well said. There you go. Holy shit. I'm sorry. No, that was fucking amazing. No, that was good.

That was fucking amazing. That was so fun. Black Salami. You call me Black Salami. Yes. You know about the Black Salami clip? This is totally outside of the game, but just so you can hear it.

You want to see some big black lazy dick? Let me show you some dick. Look at the size of his cock. So this guy, Black Salami. So big black lazy dick. I've been involved with a lot of them. Hey, Christina, it ain't nothing like somebody fucking you when they know they didn't pay your light bill.

Y'all gotta fucking count them. Not because you're trying to be romantic, because you're trying to see where to take your panties off at. I hear you. You did that quite a few times in your days, too. Which part? Black Salamis? I like Puerto Rican Salamis.

Have you ever had a Puerto Rican man? I never dated outside my race. White guys don't like me because I'm too fat, so they don't like their white girls when they get fat. And I don't look at other people. I mean, I always thought Tom Cruise was cute. I always thought the dude who ran into the tree here was cute. Christopher Wreath?

No. Not the nigga fell out the hole as the one ran into the tree. What's his name from Fast and Furious? Oh, yeah. He's cute. He was very, very cute. That's a lot. Paul Walker.

Paul Walker, yeah. So I've never looked outside. Nobody ever hit on me outside my race. Really? This is the most fucking attention I got since these podcast. These white boys love me. And I was like, their whole fantasy is to fuck a black one who looked like they nanny.

Like, who the fuck do you say look like a nanny? That's what your husband said. He said, that's my white fan. That's their fucking fantasy to fuck their nanny. So I look like they're nanny. I love it. That's hilarious. That's your sitcom, dude.

You're like the big, you know, the black nanny. No fucking nanny. That's your sitcom. But you slaying crack and you sell drugs. That's your HBO show, for sure. That's your white, dorky sitcom. I got, and you go to my Twitter page, I got so many white fans. And it's like, I got them all ages.

Because black people, you know, black people really don't jump on your bandwagon big until you make it. Like, my fans like ground fans. So when I'm making them, like, I was there with them. Like, what's the bitch name who was singing the song on the fat bitch who had the baddest ass? Adele. Adele, yeah.

People didn't know about her, but her real fans did. Like my daughter. So when she blew up, oh, I love her. Well, where was you when this bitch was selling songs out of trunk? Those are type of fans I got. And they're white, they're young white guys and they fucking love me.

You know why they love, they love honesty. They love people that tell real truth, keep it 100% all the time. And you tell your real stories and they know you've lived this crazy life and they love hearing the reality of it, you know? And I appreciate y'all. I mean, when they want me somewhere,

they will get me somewhere. I believe they'll go out and buy a fucking ticket if I told them to. Yeah, of course. They love me and I love you guys too. That's why I'm here today. Let's, let's, um, we've got to wrap this up because we're going, we're going to the airport together.

What's, um, where can everybody find, where do you want people to go? Comedianmisspat.com, MSPAT. I mean, I'm sorry, fuck. I'm always getting the shit. Comedian, Comedianmisspat for Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. My website is misspatcomedy.com.

Make sure you get your tickets for date in Ohio. I'm there one night only August 21st, Toledo, August 8th through the 9th, and make sure you, what's the other one? I'm going to Oklahoma City, September 10th through the 13th, but you can go to my website and find out all that good shit. If you want me at a club, if you want me on whatever, just tweet it.

People pay attention. This tweet shit work. Yeah, they do. Look, y'all never heard of me, and they tweeted me all the way to the fucking front door. Oh yeah. Misspatcomedy.com is the site. Yeah, misspatcomedy.com.

MSPATcomedy.com. And then Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook are... Comedian. Comedian. Comedian. Comedian. Misspat. MSPAT.

Okay. Thank y'all so much for coming. Thank you for coming. It was so nice to finally meet you. Yeah, this was so much fun. We've been looking forward to it. I love your Negro game. What's the name of it?

Tom or Black. No, you gotta call it Negro game, so your next guest coming, you want to play the Negro game. What the fuck, you trying to hang me? Oh shit, this was fun, miss Pat. Thank you for coming. Thank you guys for listening. Go to your mom's house podcast.com for all the clips, all the news,

the latest dates, and we'll see you soon. And don't forget to pick up completely normal on DVD. It's signed. Go to the store on our site. Tickets for Christina at ChristinaComedy.com. Tickets for me at TomCigarette.com. We'll see you later. You know what I'm saying?

Like it's normal sailing. My mom loves. It doesn't mean my aunt. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Flyers. Fly that same French excellence. You know what I'm saying?

Like. What's the mayor of? You know what I'm saying? He wants to be the mayor. I feel good. You know what I'm saying? Like it's normal sailing. What's the mayor's name?

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Fly that same French excellence. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Light is normal sailing. You know what I'm saying?