Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Nick Youssef-247-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 13, 2014

Sharkeisha, What??? We got a new jam for you.   Super talented comic/model Nick Youssef has an album out and now we can all rejoice! We've been long time fans of young Youssef and now you will be too. Make sure to get his debut, Stop Not Owning This.  Peter Caine is back at it - this time it's about your dog's leash and issues! Plus we introduce Nick to the idea of the C*mdog that will one day live in our backyard.  We cover The Comedy Store, Nick's youth and a whole LOT more. Nick is a total honorary mommy and will definitely be back weaving denim with us soon. 

You're supposed to be my nicotope. Yeah, you're supposed to be. Ghost crew. They did it again. Damn, that was a jam. It is a jam. That's been in my head for a week now since they sent it in last week. Oh, to Sharkisha. It's so good. The biz meets Sharkisha. Okay. I like how I put that at the end. I mean, you're supposed to.

That's good. That's creative. So what's up? I'm going to Columbus, Ohio. Denim on Denim. Gatorade and Hot Dogs for Life. Jeff Tate is with me. And we're going to have a good time at the Columbus Funny Bone. Please come out 14th through the 17th. And then I'm really excited to be going back to Helium and Philly. These are really fun shows. The Helium Club at Philly is one of the best. I'm there the 20th through the 23rd.

And then I'm doing one of the best clubs in the country in the whole world, I think. Comedy Works Downtown. 28th through the 30th. I'm bringing Ernie, aka Andy Erickson. Big Ernie. Yep. Big Ernie's coming with me. And then I'm off to Hong Kong. So that's what's up. What about you, Jeans? Where are you going? Hong Kong, Ping Pong. That's going to be fun. Oh, by the way, all the tickets. TomSugar.com. Please get your tickets now. I got a bunch of added dates on there as well.

Doing Houston. I added Houston, New Orleans, and Dallas for later in the year. So check those out. It's a one night only run. You're going to have a tense diarrhea when you come back. From Hong Kong? Yeah. Singapore, too. Singapore Mudsland. Noodles. It's so hot. Okay, guys, do you live in Sunnyvale, California? Yeah. I don't know where that is. August 14th through 17th, roost or tea feathers in Sunnyvale, California. Come out and see me, you guys. It should be a fun week. I'm going to bring the thief with me.

Really? The thiefinator's coming out. So, you know, he'll say what's up. And then September 18th. Did you tell them about this? I wasn't listening. I wasn't paying attention. Please do. This is huge. September 14th, Fort Lauderdale, Improv. No, not September 14th. September 18th. Sorry. September 18th, Fort Lauderdale, Improv. That's in Florida. Yeah. It's not Miami. It's Fort Lauderdale. That's right. And more specifically, specifically, where is it? Fort Lauderdale, Improv.

Fort Lauderdale at the what? At the what? Hard Rock? The Improv. The Seamen Hall. The Seamen Hall. That's right. The Seamen Hall Hard Rock Casino. Yeah. We're only doing one show. Yeah. Jeans and I only that Thursday. Get your tickets. And we're not doing Friday. We're not doing Saturday. It's just Thursday. So come out. Did you hear that? Nick, not Friday. Exactly. Because usually we do a run. This is just one show only. Which is the best way ever to do clubs. Yes.

That it? Yeah. What about you, Mr. Yusef? Oh, I haven't been introduced. That's why I was keeping my mouth. Why don't you do it? This is how we do it. I had a couple... Guys, welcome to the stage. Counties are regular. Nick Yusef, everybody. I'm not ready. Have a great set, man! I didn't know I could be talking that whole time. You can talk. You can talk about it. Where am I going to be? That's a great question. I'm going to be in Chicago with Ari Shafir August 27th at Zanies.

The downtown Zanies. There's apparently another one. But you're doing just one show? Yeah, just one show. Apparently that's the way to do it. Then September 4th through 6th, I'm with Bobby Lee at Gotham in New York. It's a great club. I have not done it. I'm very excited. It's a great club. And the 25th through 7th of that same month, DC Improv. That is a great club. You've got a great time with Bobby there. Me and Bobby, yeah. It's the most fun club.

We did New Year's Eve there this past. It was so much fun. I did it a couple years ago. It was great. It's in the middle of everything. It's now like, okay, show's over. Let's drive 40 miles to get some of the food. It's great. And also you have an album out right now. I do, yeah. It's called Stop Not Owning This. And you should do that now on AllThingsComedy.com and iTunes. If that's your jam, you can go there. AllThingsComedy.com because I get way more money that way. I get all the money. And we are AllThingsComedy.

We're big fans. I love what they're doing. Get that album. Nick is a tremendous comedian. Thank you. We are back in this shit. We're endorsing this album. For real though. The album, Stop Not Owning This. Don't Not Get This. And Nick's very handsome faces on the cover too. Man, he's striking. How quick could you make him come? Like if you jerked him off. Like 5, 7 seconds. No way, really? I'm really good. That's pretty great. Because I can't even do it to myself

in 5 or 7 seconds. You haven't had one of these. And also hand jubs are considered like the slowest. I was going to take forever. That's impressive. You know what? If you want to talk some shit. If you want to talk some shit, I'll fucking make you come right now. If you want to talk some shit. On air. That would be very... Can we get a fourth mic down there so we can hear? The saddest part would be when we hit 7. Like when we hit 10 seconds and he goes like, dude I'm not hard yet.

And I'm like just give it another few seconds. And then 20 minutes later I'm still like just tugging. Can you turn on the air conditioning maybe? I'm sweating for the wrong reason. What would I do? I'd have to just sit and watch. You go like, go guys. Come on Nick you can come. If you have any old like pom-poms stored away in the storage, get those out. Cheer us on.

Come on Tommy. Pull harder on that thing. What better lead into a sponsor than this conversation. Let's do this. Nick Youssef is here. There's a new album out. You guys ready to do this? Let's do it. Tell some friends of mine that I watch their dog so I go and pick up the dog. And what do they have for the dog? This. This shitty little leather leash that's fucking just about

frayed and broken and broke on me. Thanks. Good way to get me sued. You fucking jerks. Seriously. What the fuck are you talking about? You didn't see that this leash was all fucked up? That's your fucking leash? Man you got a dog that has fucking issues. Do you realize that your dog has fucking issues? Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura

and Christina Pajitzen. Welcome to your mom's house. Whoa. My husband plays the guitar and I can watch him. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Ready?

Yeah. What? Wow. That was really impressive. Thank you, Tommy. Wow. That was a great fucking intro. It was made and Nick you played the whole thing. He did every instrument. He was one of our listeners but Nick Youssef was like one of the very, very, very first people ever to do your mom's house

way back when we were doing it at Brian Redband's house in a hot ass summer with like no AC in that room. I remember that. It was you and me for some reason you were gone but Nick and I did it and it's been that long since you came back. You know what I was probably doing? That's probably Jack and Dix. Probably. I think I was Jack and Dix in Florida. Oh my gosh.

Oh man. Oh. Can this not be any longer? That one was going great. That guy was really having, I've never heard a hand job. Well this is from my first album called I Jack the Best Dix where I just, it's a collection of this. That's a classic. That's a really good album. The show has evolved a lot since you've been on it. We have like 30 second dick jacking clips. People appreciate

that though. People relate too. You know at some point everyone's like we're going to get a good dick jacking clip. Oh I can ask Tommy and Christina. That's right. They're the place. Christina by the way has her own clip. I think you've probably heard it. Give me my reward. I want to see all the cum on my face. I can lick it up. That's Christina. That's me. That's great. I'm a cum dog. The sprinkler or something may have been added.

We had this theory that we would like a cum dog in our marriage. That everybody should have one. The idea is this. You're with somebody, you know you're married. You spend a lifetime with somebody and you know people have needs over time. I can't always be here. I'm on the road. Sometimes I don't feel like it. What about we get a girl, put a dog collar on her, tie her up, out back and you strip her down. I'm already in. You don't need to explain anymore. I'm in. She's a cum dog and what you do is she just lives on the cum.

I just go back, I stick it in her and then she lives. She's like, she just loves it. She takes care of that part of life. That's a role she's fulfilling. Here's the problem with that. You got to walk a dog and you got to do all this other annoying shit. It's like I want to go out and eat and hang out with my friends. I got to go home and walk the cum dog. It sounds like too much work.

Is there a version that doesn't need any attention? I think maybe you could just neglect the cum dog more. She becomes needier for her. I like where this is going. I'm not saying it's fully thought out. I'm just saying it's an idea. They got an idea to start somewhere. Hold on you guys. I've got the revision to the cum dog plan. First of all, I don't know why we have to...

I don't know. I don't know why we have to keep her chained up in the back yard or with a collar. Well, we're not going to feed her our food. She's only hungry for cum. Why can't we just hire... You know in the Philippines you can have like a live and house maid for like $10 a year. We could let her sleep inside. Bring her from the Philippines? Or just somewhere where she'd be real appreciative of this new life.

Not outside. We let her sleep in the garage or something. For the laundry room or something. All of a sudden you've got a heart. I'm just thinking in terms of the longevity of your cum dog. The cum dog is going to get sick if it's outside. That's interesting. I forgot about that. All you're going to do is walk outside and back up into the cum dog and back your ass up into

its face. That's probably what you're going to do. I want a male cum dog too. We've got to rethink this whole thing. Why don't you calm down? You definitely can't have both at once because they would just start doing each other. We don't need these people. The other thing is if your cum dog does get sick you just bury it and you get another one. Find another cum dog. Cum dogs are not easy to come by.

You have to get out and put it out on Craigslist. You have to vet them. You can see one walking down the street and just take it. A lot of people don't know their cum dogs yet. We've had volunteers. We've had emails. I want to be your cum dog. I haven't seen those emails. I responded. Guys, Nick Yousif is here. This is a pretty serious show. We like to keep it light and fun. Could you break down what's going on in Gaza right now?

It's a party. I think is what's happening over there. You are unique in that you grew up at the comedy store. You started going there when you were 12 years old. You dropped out of junior high school and you started telling jokes. How were you when you went there? I was 18. I always had fantasies about starting at that age.

I remember my old ass meaning how old are you now? I just turned 32. I remember meeting you when I was 28 or 26. If only I had started at your age, I would be so much better. You were like, forget college. This is it. This is my school. I was in community college. I was thinking, I'm going to stay here for two years and then transfer to UCLA or something like that.

I was writing bits in class and not paying attention to my history class or whatever class I was taking. I was just like, I'm not really focused. I'm more focused on this so I got to pick one or the other. I'm so jealous because I wish I had that self-awareness at that age. Wouldn't you love to start comedy at 18? What age did you start at? 22. It's after college.

I started right after I turned 23. I came out here at 22, turned 23 like 4 or 5 months later and then I started. I remember in college, I wanted to do comedy so I was doing short videos. We were talking like 99, 2000. We were shooting stuff like funny videos. It didn't process like go to stand-up. This is a way to do comedy.

I'm saying that most people don't really know what they want or who they are. That's amazing. I met you right when you started. We met in Santa Monica at some awful open mic. I met you when I started doing stand-up. How long had you been doing it? Probably 2 years. If it was 2002, I was probably doing it maybe 2 years.

I started June of 2000. Now you're super funny and super young. 32 is not young in the entertainment world. Are you going out for granddad roles yet? The last description was practically dead guy. I looked like that in 32. I think by 29, I was young mom. Here and there, I'll go out for young dad.

When you get there, everyone else is like 40. It's so dumb when I get those descriptions and I'll be like, dude, it says in the description that you're a 50-year-old man. You could get it and you show up and you're like, they're going to hire one of these 50-year-old actors here that looks like the description. That's who they always book.

Where it says it in the lines, here's what he looks like. I'll go out for a fat guy and everyone there will be like 300 or 400 pounds. You guys are pretty much a lot huger. You could get it, no, because it says that he breaks when he sits on it and they're going to get one of these guys. My agent sent me out for a pop culture thing. It's for viewers ages 9 to 19. I'm a 40-year-old grown woman with a husband.

I watched Downton Abbey on my couch. I'm a pop star. I'm fucking lame. I watch everything on the broad. This is not for me. I was a crazy bitch for coming. I stopped even lying when people go, you're into pop culture. I don't even have enough information to bullshit my way.

If we're done, I can leave. Ari told me how he said, no, I'm not saying this at an audition. He's like, no. He's like, it's terrible. That's insane. I refuse to do it. I'd rather be on the road. That's crazy.

Some of the auditions I've gone on, I'm like, I'd wean myself slowly off of the commercial auditions. I was like, yeah, I'm just not going to do it anymore. They were like, really? I go, no. I still went out on a commercial one this year, but it was for a massive campaign. It was a commercial agency. It was through regular theatrical agents.

It was such a big campaign that they get word of it. That changes your next couple of years. Drive across town. Drive back home. You're on the road a lot. I'm not doing this. I'm on the road too much. I'm not going out for this Applebee's commercial where I'm wearing a diaper.

I'm pretending I'm a baby. I'd rather do a Best Buy commercial than work at a Best Buy. I don't want to do anything for Best Buy. I don't even want to buy their shit. I'd rather be on the road doing comedy, making albums. Where did you record this album? Did you go

back when you were 18? That was one of my first goals. I got to get into that club. It was before everything was available on the internet. I knew very little about comedy. Each Hollywood story would have this and that about certain comics. I noticed a lot of the best comics came from there. Jim Carrey and Karlin.

It just had this weird, mysterious rock star vibe to it. I remember driving by it once before I started comedy and I saw it. I got to be in that place. You're very entrenched in the history and culture. I feel like every time I'm there, I see you there. That was your college. You crushed a ton of puss there.

I had to be there a lot. That was an employee there. You sit there and watch a ton of stuff. I'm going to work here during the day and night and get as much fucking stage time as possible. I quit doing open mics right after I got a job there. I'm going to make it so I don't have to do another open mic again. If that means go up a couple less times a week.

I'm going to grab some more comics that are just not looking. That really started to change things. When you started, was Tommy the guy? When he started there, he was just a fucking phone guy. He was like another dude. Me and him were on the same level. He was a phone guy, but I was a comedian. He was just a dude. Tommy is a very famous gatekeeper,

at the comedy store. He's the guy that passed you. He's the guy that didn't pass you. He's the guy who would pass on people that you were like, are you kidding me? There's been a big shift in the comedy store. West Coast comedy for sure. What's happening over there?

Is it true? It's this weird thing happening over there. He was the talent coordinator of that club since 2006. It's a long time. He was that position too. Duncan Trussell was the talent coordinator. From maybe 2002 or 2003 until the middle of 2005.

That's how I met Duncan. He just got a job there like anyone else, and then he opened up. You're funny. He was still running things. His job was a lot simpler. I worked the phones and he was upstairs. He'd come downstairs and yell my name.

He was supposed to be answering the phones. He's like, dude, Mitzy called three times. I'm just waking up. I was asleep on the job. I'm not even going to yell at you anymore. This job doesn't pay enough for you to care. I've now realized that. He's like, look dude, I know you don't care enough.

But just try and answer the phone sometimes. I'll see what I can do. He's like, I'm trying to help you not get fired. I'll see what I can do. What influence or relationship did you have with Tommy? It was a lot of fighting with him. Really? When he took over, he was changing the way things

went at the store. There was something called the non-paid regular. You could leave avails to do spots in the belly room or go up on pop in night. He was starting to get rid of things like that. He was keeping information that Mitzy would relay. Things were starting to change. I would get into arguments with him.

I got passed by Mitzy. That was one of those things where I was like, I don't know how she'll tell me certain things and he will say different things. You're not acting like she's in charge. You're making up your own rules and opinions that she claims she said when it's clear that it wasn't. You're saying that. I don't know if that's true.

When you give people spots, it would be the same spot every week. You're always on late, always on late, always opening, always in the middle. You got to switch things up. That's how people grow and develop. That would be a major argument we'd have. He would just go, well, it's not that. I do the line-ups by feel. That doesn't make any sense.

It's not about the way you feel. Why don't you think about how comedians have gotten better over the years? They started and they were okay. They did horrible spots. They didn't understand development. He didn't have a great sense for what it takes for a comic to get good. He was afraid to take risks.

Over the years, he started to take a little more. He would put comics in those positions and allow them to take risks and bomb and without the worry that the entire show is going to fall apart. This one guy didn't have a great set for 15 minutes. It was like a big argument we would have. I once told him that he was a fucking idiot. If you give me spots after 12, 15, I'm not going to fucking do them.

I figured it out. I know how to talk to seven drunk people. It's babysitting at this point. They deserve or let them have spots they've never had. He would say, I don't feel like that. He would defend himself from the moment he didn't like confrontation that much. A week or two would go by and he would see the error of his ways. He moved around.

I wasn't the only one getting arguments with him. A lot of people would get great spots and he's a hilarious comedian. I think everybody knows this whole Tommy at the Comedy Store thing. The Comedy Store runs things very differently than the Laugh Factory, than the Hollywood Improv, than the Comedy Magic Club. All these other clubs, you put in your avails, you get a slot on the 8 o'clock show or the 10 o'clock show.

The Comedy Store runs comedy from 9 o'clock to 2 in the morning. It's tag team, which means there's no proper show beginning, there's no proper show end. It just starts like strippers and then next stripper up and you tag team. That creates an entirely different vibe. If you go up by midnight, they've already been watching 3 hours of crazy shit. They're all wasted, half of them have left. That's why it's the hardest room in the country. Even in the main room. I just did the main room on Saturday. It's by far the most unruly.

I've done almost every room in the country and I would say that the OR or the main room are the two hardest rooms. It's so different. It makes you fucking bulletproof. Yeah, for sure. Nothing phases you. But anyway, the thing is with Tommy, there was a lot of drama because it just seemed like there was no rhyme or reason to how things were done and I think people were very affected by that. Yeah, that drives everyone insane. If there's no order, there's no protocol, there's no system. Where do I go to get in? It's not just some guy going like,

wow, we'll see about it and then you never hear from him again. If you have irritated the tool gods, you must now be smeared with the holy grease of disdain. Well, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not really that nice. I give me nice and I'm a nice guy but more money and power behind me than you'll want to mess with me. The comedy story is Mitzi Shor's dream, not her children's dream. This is Mitzi. She said that God sent me to her. The thing that Mitzi's pointed out to me that's a little different is I'm not

afraid of attractive people. Whatever the look is, means a lot because it's what you're being entertained by while you're looking at it while it's talking to you as well. I'm as talented if not more than probably almost everybody here. That's the truth. That's Tommy. That's Tommy right there. That is the former talent coordinator of the comedy store saying that knowing he was being interviewed. That wasn't like a secret recording.

I was like, wow, you can interview me. I'll tell you what you need to know. I'm the best. Comedy is so crazy. You know what that's actually more an insight into though? You're thinking like, oh, this is just Tommy but this is how a lot of executives, agents, producers, how they feel about themselves. The person behind the scenes is like, I'm the fucking person. Not these people. I'm the one. The gatekeepers, the people

that are in charge of your future, your livelihood, your success or failure. A lot of times there are narcissists, there are border lines, there are lunatics. That's why it's so amazing to be a comedian now. It's the best time. It really is. Remember when we started, there was no like, oh, I'm going to put out an album? Where? How are you going to do it? Who would do it? You just had to wait for Comedy Central or whoever to be like, hey, it's your turn now. But now you can go, I know a guy,

I know an audio engineer. I know a photographer and I have a club venue that'll let me do it and then boom, it's on the end of it. I can tweet it and I can make a podcast and I can harness the following. It's amazing. It's the best. It is amazing. Let's hear more. It's an artistic journey. Try to be a paid regular at the store. The store's not closed off to anybody. We're looking for people with certain qualities. It's hard to describe. Has a lot to do with feeling.

Has to do a lot about what kind of work you're doing, whether you're doing original work or whether you're doing recycled work. A lot of people don't even know. Didn't even know what they are. A lot of people just waste time. They don't really want to be comedians. They're pretending they're being right there. We're just trying to get the people who are really performers or comedians. Not toying with the idea and then trying to fool me and everyone else that they're toying with the idea.

Not really comedians. If people turn into writers and all these other things after becoming a comedian here then that's fine but we're not looking for that. We're not looking for a writer. We're looking for performers. That's what you told me to look for and that's what I'm looking for. It's kind of a long way to answer a simple question but it's not a simple question. Let's say we'll come showcase and we'll see what you got.

A lot of people showcase several times from Med City. I just like to see them work out. I'm a little more innovative and picking more current things. I've been doing it for a long time. This isn't an overnight thing. The mystery will be revealed. That I've been the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain for a long time. For a long time. There you go.

There you have it. The ramblings of a lunatic. I should say this because I'm of the three of us. I'm not a store regular and I did showcase towards the end of Med City going to the store. I showcased for her once and didn't get passed. A few years ago I think I've said it before but just to be clear I went to the store and Tommy was very nice to me and very gracious

to me and told me that I would have to do the open mics but that he would give me more time because I was more established he said so he would give me nine minutes instead of three minutes. I did it. I thought I was going to do it once and just keep doing. Keep coming to these and I was like I'm not going to keep coming. I thought you just saw me on an open mic with all these people that are open micers. He was like just keep coming. I came one more time. I did it again and I was like

just keep coming and I was like no I'm not going to keep coming. But he was nice. I was just like dude I don't have time to keep coming to sit around on a Monday to go to establish another clubs though too. You would do another things. You already passed kind of the... It wasn't really because it sounds like I have the ego to be above it. It was probably part ego but it was more like dude I'm on the road all the time

I'm working. When I fly back on a Monday I can't be coming here for like four hours. It's different than an open mic or going to that. I'm headlining everywhere in the country right now. I'm sitting here on an open mic to do nine and I was like I can't do it. I was basically like in my mind I was like dude you've seen me a few times so you can make a decision and your decision is no and I'm okay with that. I'm just not going to come here.

The problem with that is like there was no system then just put me on a showcase and let's do this officially so I have a yes or a no and I can never come back here again. But telling you like yeah come back and do the open mic and do a nine minute set. What is that even? It's frustrating. I think it was frustrating and crazy making. Kind of a little bit. The first time when I did my nine I asked you to do a nine you did 11 and I was like sorry? Yeah.

And I was like okay I'll come do nine again. Yeah. I mean what else do you say? I mean you know but then he was like he told me the whole like you know he was welcoming. Like that's the one thing he was like you're always welcome here. This is an artist. He does the artist colony thing and I was like that's cool but it was just like they was like just keep coming and I was like there's no way I could keep doing this. And he always treated me well just for the record. That's what I wanted to make for you.

I got really lucky and that like for some reason I got very very blessed but I did that rigmarole in the beginning too and I was like nope I can't do that. That's the thing with a guy like that. I mean I'm sure a lot of comedy clubs have a guy like that. Right. Exactly. He's not the only one. But the one thing that I would be critical of is the like the one thing I think is ridiculous is that people not just me anybody just keep coming here all the time. Like dude what do you mean? Like if you're talking about

comic that is like you know somewhat working like you're just going to be like just come here all the time. Yeah. He told Hannibal Burris the same thing. He's like well I gotta do the open mics. And he's like alright and he was like you know very nice about it. I'm hearing this second hand from someone else and he told him just like oh yeah okay cool man thanks. And then he just kind of left it alone and then he later was reading an entertainment weekly which is like his entertainment bible. You know anything in there that they like he is automatically on board with. And he sees like a blurb or something written about

Hannibal on that comedy central show with Alana Glazer in Broad City. And there was mentioning how he was like so funny and he was like oh my god I've made a big mistake. And the next time he sees him he's like you know I didn't know who you were at first you know but please you know you're welcome to come here and like we'll give you spots and you know all this stuff. And so he realized his mistake and you know was more welcoming to him. But he used to just be like I don't know who you are fuck you. He'd yell at comics. Tell him

do you think I could get an entertainment weekly? I'm sorry. Do you think I could get an entertainment weekly? To get a spot now? Yeah. Let's do it. We kind of blew off Peter Cain. Oh my god the opening clip. The dog guy's the best. Oh yeah what was that? He's the best. Peter Cain is the best. He's a dog trainer animal lover and he puts up videos all about his feelings about you know how... How to train dogs properly. How to train dogs and what behavior is correct from a person towards a dog and this time

he's talking about dog leashes. I go and pick up the dog and what do they give what do they have for the dog? This. This shitty little leather leash that's fucking just about frayed and broken and broke on me. Thanks. Good way to get me sued you fucking jerks. Seriously what the fuck are you talking about? You didn't see that this leash was all fucked up. That's your fucking leash. Man you got a dog that has fucking issues. Do you realize that your dog has fucking issues? You know it goes after dogs on the

street because you haven't trained it. Okay. It pisses me off. I'm sorry but you know what? Two years ago they were using one of these. A flexi-lead and I told them not to and you know what? About three months ago I saw them still fucking using it. This dog that has issues right? They're friends with the professional. They don't listen to a thing that I say and then they want me to watch their dog and can't even give me a fucking proper fucking leash to fucking get the dog safely to my mother fucking car. I don't want to get fucking sued.

Here's another example of a shitty tip. Wow. He's so fired up and I love it. This is the most fired up I've seen him. I've seen him fired up but this is the most fired up I've seen him. He's dropping F-bombs left and right on this topic. Yeah. Yeah. He's like. He's like a white trash dog whisperer. Don't bring up that guy. He hates me. I'm sure he does. We don't say that around. Peter K. Wow. Okay buddy. He's definitely not cool with that. Let's see. Mother fucker. He said mother fucker. Mother fucker.

He loves you. What's in your lap? Does he have a show like on TV or? Oh no. He's just a YouTube star. Somebody who we've found accidentally and now we follow all of his videos. A leash. See these? These nylon laces. These black nylon laces. They're crap. You know why they're crap? They're weighted wrong. Number one. Oh by the way if you have a knot in it that means you don't know what you're doing and you can't control your dog that way. That indicates that you're trying to use strength. You need to finesse the dog.

Wake up. So these things are horrible. You got a nylon leash. Throw it fucking away. Here's another bad leash. This isn't even a leash. This is a chain. I see these all the time. You know what this does? It causes the dog to drive forward. It's weight. It's putting weight on the collar. And also you can't give a correction with this. This is uncomfortable in your hand. It hurts. I see assholes walking around my neighborhood using chains and they have a glove on because they're fucking stupid.

You don't use a chain. This is for something else but it's not for your dog. It's not appropriate for anything really. Don't use chains. Don't use a six foot leather leash. This is exactly what you need to have. It's a six foot leather leash. This is a leash that everyone should own. Wake up people. If you're having problems with your fucking dog, think about the leash you're using. Doesn't that make sense? You know what? It doesn't matter with you. Get a proper leash and fucking... I swear to God

if these people, my friends, the next time I deal with their dog, if they don't have a leather leash, I'll never do them the favor again. After me having to fucking walk their dog out to my car with a broken fucking leash. That's their idea. I don't want to get sued you fucking idiots. Jesus fucking Christ. See he's like a professional dog trainer. That was all just about leaching. Yeah dude. He hates people to put their dogs on

vegan diets too. That's another one. He doesn't ever... Tommy does he let friends watch the dog? Friends are the worst. Everybody walking down the street with their dog and the dog is being good at it. He'll don't whistle to it. Don't say a fucking thing. Never indicate to the dog anything. The dog is being good. If you like encourage the dog to come over and pet you or be petted by you and it's on a leash, the owner is going to have to correct the dog. You're getting

the dog in trouble you dick. Don't whistle to the dog. Don't distract the dog. The dog is being good. See he's at heel. Now this is my dog and he'll ignore the shit out of you but someone else's dog you know that's the point. You're getting the dog in trouble. And if you see a dog that's tied up outside a store like this you should leave the dog alone. You know the dog is being good so if you walk up to the dog and the dog gets excited and jumps on you

and you start petting it, you're training the dog to jump on people so you're a dick. You're a dick. This dog's alone. Did you get it asshole? It's not your fucking dog. Go get your own fucking dog. Don't interact with other people's dogs. It's not yours. It's not your property and if you get bitten you dumb fuck. If you get bit it's gonna mark against the dog because you're a dumb shit.

Leave everybody's dogs alone. No whistling. No trying to interact with them. It's not your dog dummy. This guy is like the Tommy of the dog world. I'm dead serious. Oh shit. Wow. Yeah. He kind of is very passionate. He's got emotional connections to things. Fucking wizard behind the dog. He's got his little legs. Won't make it down. Thanks booboo. He is like the Tommy. He's very fired up.

Leave it alone. You're a dumb shit. Your jokes aren't good. Your beats are off. That was the thing Tommy made up. Your beats. I like your beats tonight. This guy Peter Cain is amazing. There's no rhyme or reason to the comedy business from what I've learned. You know what? I watch Super Soul Sundays and here's what I learned. Go where you're celebrated not where you're tolerated. The Comedy and Magic Club won't have me.

They passed on me a few times now. I said go fuck yourself. I'm gonna go to the comedy store. With all the other goddamn masturbators and derelicts and weirdos. You don't like me here? I'll go across town. Go fuck yourself. Best room by the way in LA. I think now after years of doing this is actually the Ice House. I love the Ice House. It's so great. That's the oldest comedy club in Los Angeles. It's one of the oldest in the country. It's like 55 years old or something. 1960 something, 62.

You're very normal. What's going on? I feel like you're very balanced as a human being to be a comedian. Is there a dark side to your force? I mean maybe. I think it was probably more so when I was younger. Oh yeah, you're kind of like Altea. You used to have a leather jacket. I still have a leather jacket. But now it's just a disguise. You have hair transplants that look good. What were you like in high school? I was like a piece of shit kid that got in trouble a lot.

You did? I got kicked out of my high school. What? For last drugs or what? No, not drugs but just for ditching school a lot and threatening teachers. Threatening? I didn't see that one. What did you threaten? Violence? Yeah, I mean not never direct violence but I once told I had to take the summer school class because I failed whatever elective I had to take and it was a fucking elective. Those are the easiest classes to pass. You need to take a summer course.

I looked for the easiest possible one and I found one called Radio Broadcasting, like an introduction to radio. That's the one I would have signed up for too. And it truly sounded interesting. I could learn how to be a DJ or some shit. And then it was even taught by a former Los Angeles DJ that worked at like, no I wish that would have been amazing. There's just some lady who used to work at KLOS and Arrow 93.1 when that was around. And I was like

this should be cool. So I get to the class and she was super strict from the get go and had no sense of humor and I just had a real problem with authority of any kind. If you were a teacher, automatically I didn't like you because it's like hey, you're going to make me sit down like that kind of thing. So she was super strict and we had to do these activities and one of our projects was to create an hour of radio. So we do station ID at the beginning and then we pick a playlist of songs that we'll announce and then we'll

sort of write commercials and set up this format. So we could pick whatever songs we wanted. We picked a couple people, they put us in groups, we picked some songs and then we had to come up with commercials. So I was like guys we should come up with some cool, ridiculous thing and I was like why don't we sell Nazi memorabilia just to do it. And none of us were like, I'm Lebanese and the other two kids were like these Mexican thug kids in our school. So we were coming up with

what can we sell and just like plates or helmets, anything with Nazi stuff. And we had to present this to the class. We had to go like welcome to KLCR, Los Angeles. Coming up this hour, these songs and then we'd go to the commercial and then we'd read the commercial. So we're like yeah let's sell. Do you remember World War II? You know that kind of stuff. So you were already a comedian though for sure. I guess yeah. And I was like you can buy a part of

history on this site or something like that. It wasn't even a website, wherever they called this number or some shit. And then she stopped us and she's like you can't do that. And I was like what do you mean? She's like you can't, that's offensive, you can't do that. Oh boy. Why not? And she's like because you can't sell Nazi stuff. And I was like it's a part of history. I'm not like advocating that people become Nazis. Like it's history. She's like no, that's not allowed. I'm like well I disagree. Cause like people sell things that are of historical value all the time. And then we got into a fight in the class and she's like go sit down.

You gotta rewrite your commercial. And then she calls like the dean or something like that and he brings me outside and talks to me. He's like look you've been having problems with the teacher. Whatever it is that you're selling in this class with this commercial, you just gotta change it. And I was like okay I will. And then we go back to the class the next day and reconvene with our group and I'm like alright we can't sell Nazi memorabilia. Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna sell nuclear warheads that are like pocket sized. I'm like it's a totally made up thing. No one will ever believe it's real. And it's a fake

radio station. So let's do that. She goes what's your product? I'm like we're selling nuclear weapons that you can fit in your pocket. And I was like this is ridiculous. Go sit down. And she yells at me and she says you can't do that. That is insane. First of all, nothing like that could ever exist. She's like entertaining this idea. It's like it's a real product. And you're not allowed to, those would kill people. And I'm like well you told me I can't sell Nazi related stuff. It's just like a wetsup product. It's a weapon. You could sell it to you know. And she was furious. She didn't want it.

And she's like come up with something normal that's not a weapon and that's not offensive. And I was like alright. So we went the other direction. I was like here's what we're gonna do. I'm like we're gonna sell plain white t-shirts from the plain white t-shirt company. Only available in size medium. And we're gonna deliver the commercial like this. And it's gonna be super long. So I'm like I'm gonna do all the talking. And I went up there and

got to the commercial. It probably took four or five minutes. Or maybe what felt like that. And I think she tried to enter. I could see her just squirming. And I was like you wanted a regular product. And it went so on that this student started laughing. That's it. Yeah. Yeah.

We only have medium t-shirts in white. At the plain white t-shirt company. She kicked me out of the class. Because I didn't do the project the way she wanted to. And I fucking snapped. Cause I was kind of having fun. But I'm like now you're just fucking with me. Cause I did what you wanted. So she kicked me out of the class. And I went outside. I started screaming at her and calling her a cunt. And telling her I hope that she fucking dies. You're a whore.

This is why you failed out of the radio business. No one will ever hire you again. You're stuck teaching kids like me at a high school. Summer school. You're a failure. And then she was gonna call the cops or something. And then call the dean. I was just saying anything I could. I was furious. And then she sent those two thug kids out to calm me down. I'm like they're the scary ones in school. Everyone fears them. I mean I had a mohawk at the time. And it was like this whole thing. Who did you hate? Mom or dad?

I didn't like it. I didn't get along. They were points of authority. So I was like no. Mom and dad? Yeah. They were like be good in school. I don't want to do that. Cause you realize that later in life you're like oh all this rivalry against authority too. I'm the same thing. Mohawk. Very angry. I got kicked out of public school too. I failed out. I just decided not to go. And then you go like oh I really hated my mom actually all those years. It wasn't about the teacher. It wasn't about this and that. It was really just

I just hated my mom. I just didn't like that they were telling me what to do ever. It was kind of that bad thing. But yeah I just was socially very awkward. I did not have any friends. I did not kiss a girl even until I was like 16, 15. Like really make out with a girl. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19. It was a year in the comedy before I had sex. 19. So it was just like there was I was not I used to hang out in the outreach program at lunch. I said no friends. It was just a place like losers could go. Like sit alone and eat their lunch.

Play fucking chess together or whatever the hell. Is it the immigrant stuff? Cause your parents are immigrants too. Where are they from? From Lebanon. I think there's something about that. There totally is. Cause you're immediately different. Yeah. And in school it's all about fucking fitting in man. You never do. If you're a white a good looking white kid who can play sports. It's like you your career in school you're floating through it. Yeah I know. But in a lot of those kids now when you look up their Facebooks they're just they're losers. They peaked

in junior varsity football and it's just now they're plumbers or whatever. It is the best. I love it. It's fun to see people fail. Wait so did the Dean show up when you were when you were fuming? I think he did. And then they tossed you out right then. I think yeah it was him and then they told me that like you gotta leave or like the security campus security or somebody. What city where are you in this? I grew up in La Crescenta which is like just north of Glendale but the summer school

class was on Glendale High School's campus for some reason so it was in Glendale, California. He's in the valley too. The valley is the fucking worst man. Growing up in the valley fucking sucked. We got um we have a couple of things here. You grew up here. 818. I grew up in the same apartment building as Brody Stevens 10 years later. No fucking way. We went to the same Tarzana Park. We went to the same. I grew up on the same four blocks as that guy. Wow. See I was a different part. I was like seeing Gabriel Valley. It was like a weird

little. You're the other valley. Yeah and then there's the other other valley which is when you go in the like fucking riverside and all the wasteland areas. The wasteland. That's where my relatives live in Riverside. They love it. They escape from hungry to live in Riverside. It's unbelievable. Couple uh new submissions. Go ahead Tom. Right now I don't know what you're saying I don't know what you mean. You know what I'm saying is we collect them on this show. We play them quite a bit. There are two

new ones that are quite different. You know what I'm saying? One is that the all-time you know what I'm saying leader has another you know what I'm saying clip. Do you want to hear it? I can't wait. Where he might break his old record. Okay. Cause a hoe gonna get out there and get it. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? When the fish fucked that first nigga you know what I'm saying? And then fucked that second nigga. She became a hoe. You know what I'm saying? She just didn't know. Tell me then just you add into a pimp. You know what I'm saying? And a pimp let the hoe know. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Take the weight, dress off hoe, because you ain't no Margin' duffo. You know what I'm saying? Put the hoe boots on bitch you know what I'm saying? Get out there

and mash some motherfucking rats. You know what I'm telling my hoes. You know what I'm saying? You bitches y'all really really truly want to stash on the pimp. You know what I'm saying? When hoe, go in and stash. Stash a lot of quarters, nickels, dives, and pennies. You know what I'm saying? Cause bitch, you ain't going to stash the president of the pimp. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? They consider us the ghetto badness motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? We consider us entrepreneurs. You know what I'm saying? We just explore and you know what I'm saying? The circle. You know what I'm saying? Everybody had a time to say it. It's our time. It's our time. Let's say it. The last thing I'm saying didn't come from the speaker, the original

speaker, but I counted it in. It's okay. Now that is in... We just gave him about a minute there. It goes on. It's a very, very intense, you know what I'm saying? But you don't want to throw a little something different in there. We are going to do the British version of, you know what I'm saying, in this submission. This is completely different. The Brits will tag a sentence with yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Check out the yes coming from this guy. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Bro, it's a sad shame. It's a sad shame. We know we should have done it. Yeah. We should have. Penalties. What is penalties? Yeah. Penalties is just luck. Yeah. Alright. Who are man united? I'm Chelsea. Straight through and through. Yeah. It's a shame. It's a shame, isn't it? Yeah. Really, we should have won. Yeah. We should have won, but we didn't. You almost did it. Everyone thought your one hand was

on the trophy as John Terry stepped up. What are your emotions about John Terry this morning? I still love him. I will always love him. Yeah. What can I say? I'm not going to hate him. How can I? Did you a drug bar? I'm not going to lie. Yeah. We need to get rid of him. Jesus. We do. Yeah. We need to get rid of him. I'm not going to lie. Yeah. Apart from that John Terry lampard did us proud. Yeah. Did us proud. Now, John Terry is obviously very emotional. Wow. That was neat. Yeah. It's kind of a bag and forth

and you're kind of like. It's almost like he's asking a question. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then sometimes he actually did it. Yeah. He actually did it in it. It's the other British way of doing it is in it. Yeah. In it. In it. I like that one. Yeah. In it. It's good, isn't it? Yeah. In it. I've also heard when that's the whole sentence in it. In it. Yeah. Oh, I just put that together. They're saying isn't it? That's right. Yeah. In it. I didn't know that. I thought it was a whole new word. Are you serious? I swear to Christ this whole

time. In it. I didn't understand it was isn't it? Really? I just thought it was like a whole new word. I don't know what I thought it meant. In it. In it. In it. Yeah. It's isn't it, isn't it? Yeah. I know that. The best part of you know what I'm saying and isn't it is that they follow simple sentences. In it. Yeah. It's like early for dinner, isn't it? Yeah. I like that. Yeah. It's never like, you know, it's simple. And I like he uses the F sound for the th fruit. Common fruit. That's real like. Um so right now it's kind of like

is it that pimp? Right. Is it this British kid? Who's got the more? Is it somebody else? Check it out. You know what I'm saying? It's a fear. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? That was for without like, you know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? No the hell we don't. You ain't say anything yet. Wow. That was a quadruple. You know what I'm saying? He's three seconds in. Dude. You think he tops both of those guys or no? I'm gonna. I'm gonna. Three seconds in. He's got four. Hold on. How long is the clip though?

Minute. Depends on. These are all minute long clips. We give him a minute. You drop as many as you want. So will he go above 20? That's the question where he's at four to start. Right? Four. Yeah. That was a tight four. Yeah. Yeah. Shit. Yeah. Here's the thing though. He starts out so strong. Yeah. He starts out with that many. So right now he's only got to hit 16 more in a minute. And about 50. Yeah. 55 seconds. I mean. I think that's doable. If we're just going statistically, he's gonna be. At 100.

Alright. Let's keep counting. Okay. Alright. So he's at four and we're trying to get to 20 and see if he can take down the pimp. Wow. Okay. I'm throwing a motherfucking shout out to my main boss man. You know. Alright. So somebody else jumped in. Yeah. So you have to keep a distinct ear on his voice. So we're only counting his voices. You know what I'm saying. Not the other guys. And do we. But you did credit the other pimp with what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying because it's just a clip. You know.

Now do we also count you know or does it have to be you know what I'm saying that was a short version of you know what I'm saying. Let's stick to you know what I'm saying. Full phrase from the same guy's mouth. Yeah. So the other guy only had 19 then. That's actually true. Alright. Thank you Nick. Thank you. You know what I'm saying. Straight west side. Two foes. Ghost town. Acorns. Cambell. Two foes. Firmary. Obviously. That street baby two three. That. So you know what I'm saying. I'm letting him know. So he's got two more in that whole mess. I've got three since. Was that what you got? Yeah.

Okay. Okay. If no way. This. Yeah. Baby I'm gonna drop this jar on these hoes man. Man these hoes be like Sonny why you look so mean. It's like baby that's life. You know what I'm saying. But uh. That's not what. That's not him. That's the other guy. That's a sub category of you know what I'm saying. Which is my friends. You know what I'm saying. Got you. My friends. You know what they're saying. You know what I'm saying. But uh. Shit. Get your ass up out of here man. You know what I'm saying.

Shit. It's like. I'm about to blast your ass. You know what I'm saying. Your dog vagina having ass bitch. It's like. Jesus. You fucked my partner already. I mean I can't have you. You know. It's like something's wrong. You're like. The way you smell. I'm about to make me Earl. You're like. You smell like seven day old meat. I mean. Oh shit. I gotta pay. Oh. I gotta go baby. I'll see you later. Wow. See what happened was that the guy started off didn't talk in this clip. Yeah. The other guy took over. You know.

Yeah. It's hard to pit him against each other. Yeah. If he doesn't. It's not a fair fight. And I would say that you know what I'm saying is combined. We are only at one. There was only 10. You know what I'm saying. Wow. We'll see. Combine. He came out of the gate so strong. I know. And then just kind of didn't go anywhere. We had such high. You know what I'm saying. Expectations. We really did. We really thought that he was going to be saying more. You know what I'm saying. Then he was saying. You know what I'm saying. I know what you're saying. Yeah. It was. It was really. You know. Right now I don't know what you're

saying. I don't know what you mean. It's so much fun. Yeah. This game is the most fun. Yeah. It sure is. Never gets home. Oh. I'm excited. It's been a while. You know what that's time for Tommy. Time to fill her up. And seal her shut. Why don't you inform our guest of what this is all about. So Nick I'm going to say some names of some people and then you tell me who you want to fill up and seal shut between these two people or

be filled up and sealed shut by sounds a little complicated but once we start playing I think you'll get the rhythm. Yeah. And you just jump in with however you feel. Keep it. Be honest. Keep it 100. You know what I'm saying. So this category is what. So I thought we'd do something neat. I thought I'd do fill up seal her shut with people that Tom and I would actually want to fill up and seal shut in the celebrity movies category. OK. So famous people not necessarily actors just famous just famous people that Tom and I find physically try because we've never done it this way.

So I'm going to go with Ryan Gosling super honk right. Yeah. Or Jake Gyllenhaal who would you rather get filled up and sealed shut by and walk me through your process please. Who would I rather get filled up by. Filled up and sealed shut. Yeah. Filled up so much that you're I would say I go Ryan Gosling 100 loads. Why 100 loads. Why are you stealing your shot. Oh you're right. That's a lot of loads. OK. I go Ryan Gosling. I'm more of a fan.

Yeah. And I think he'd be a little a little more gentle. Oh you know what I mean. Yeah. More like I think Gyllencock is like a little more aloof and you know what he also feels like he'd be selfish. Yep. He'd be selfish. I got to say I'm seeing eye to eye with Nick on this one. I'm Gosling all the way. It's not even close for me. Wow. No Donnie Darko. They're very talented both of them at Gyllenhaal's but I see a I see selfish. I see it's all

about him. I see that he would no phone call the next day. No phone call and also like I feel I feel like he'd be like is that all you got. Like is that all you're going to do. Yeah. Is that I've had so much better than this like and then be like and basically he'd be like you're lucky you're here right now. You know. See here's the thing aesthetically I like I like both of them. Ryan Gosling is a super hunk. We all know that but he puts on that whole air of being like a feminist and like cool. How do you know it's real like how do you know he really

but just physically I would love I would have so many Gosling loads in me. I would love it. I would just terrorize him. I would tug on his nuts. I would really just I might even need his butthole because I feel like he's clean like he probably shaves it you know. I would just tear into that. I guess I see that. Yeah. I guess I guess I could see him washing his ass for sure. His butt hole is clean. His butt hole is sparkling. Between the two of them his butt hole is way cleaner. Ryan Gosling. Yeah.

Whose asshole do you think is cleaner? Probably Gosling. Yeah. I like I still like. He just has a more wholesome like you know feel to him you know all around. Yeah. Jake's a little darker. Yeah. More mysterious. But not in a good way. Yeah. I think we're all going there. Okay. So my two are Charlize Theron. What's that you say? Is it Theron? Theron. Theron.

I think she was saying to people that everybody says it wrong. That everybody says Theron and it's not. She's South African. You speak. Yeah. I speak Afrikaans. I can say it. Teron or something. And then I'll say this name wrong as well. Irina Shaiq. Shaiq. Well look her up. Fucking look her up. You have a fucking computer. You have a phone. Irina. Last name is S-H-A-Y-K. S-H-A-Y-K. Jesus Christ. So you got use your phone. No I'm not.

Yeah. Look her up. Nobody even knows who that is. They do. What's your first name? Irina. I-R-I-N-A. Of course she's foreign. I-R-I-N-A. She doesn't even have a normal name. Right. But I'm getting no service here. What? It's because you're not on the thing. You look. I'm not on the Wi-Fi. Hold on. Well everybody who's listening now can look her up. Irina Ir-I-N-A. S-H-A-Y-K. Ir-I-N-A. Shaiq. Shaiq. Shaiq.

Oh this pig. God this girl's a real fucking troll. Hold on. I don't even. This girl's a total troll. I mean who would want to stick it in her? What a pig. Right Nick? She's disgusting. Her face is not great but her body's pretty awesome. I mean this is one picture. You're not into that face? Not in that picture? I gotta see. Which can you put in your Wi-Fi? I don't even know what it is. Sorry it's a numerical one. My husband keeps it from me. He doles out information. Keeps it from you. Okay she looks way better in this picture. She's so ugly. Can you lean over here? Can you lean over here? Yeah. Like lean over

this way? They're both dogs. Okay. What about your dogs? I mean just point. Woof woof. I'll click. I mean the face is pretty good. She's a total pig. It just depends on what you like. Alright. Here's, I'll take you through my logic. Yeah she's hot. Here's my logic. I'm gonna go with Irina for a couple reasons. Physically, find her very attractive. I feel like Charlize, who's beautiful, is also more famous, internationally famous, and is used to having her ass kiss quite

a bit. This girl has also a possibility that she was maybe a hostage. She's Russian and that like she's been like, you know, maybe chained up like a dog or had to like, you know, you suck this and then you can eat tonight. That kind of stuff. Yeah. So I feel like the experience of being dogged out will make her a better, you know, performer basically. Right. I can see where you're going. You know what I mean? Like she's, I don't want like I was considering this girl for this. Kate Upton, the model.

Oh, she's so hot. But I feel like they said that she takes like oaths of like saving herself for marriage and I was like, no thanks. For real or just, is that a PR thing? I don't know. But as soon as I read that I was like, I took her off because I was like, she's gonna be like, kiss it where? Like, and you're gonna be like, oh no. Yeah, yeah. Oh, this broad. Kate Upton's hot. She's curvy. She's a pig. Right. Disgusting. Yeah, yeah. You don't like her either? I'm just kidding. I'm just like, I just have to dislike everybody

my husband. Yeah. So I would slam this Russian fucking girl into another. I would try to seriously, like I'd want her to see like a spinal specialist the next day, you know? Yeah. Maybe to like fix a disc that slipped out of place. The ruptured. This Kate Upton, she's white trash, babe. White trash. Look at her. She's just trash. Trailer trash. Look at her roots. She's the hottest model. I bet she's not even a natural blonde, you know? Right. That's a problem. That's something I struggle with.

Yeah, I know. Do you like that Brooklyn Decker girl? Brooklyn Decker's hot. Wait a minute. We're not going to others. There's only two you're allowed to watch on this game. What the fuck, man? My ultimate for a while was Mila Kunis. Really? That's the best. That's what you like. Yeah, that's the hottest girl. But not any, she just like took, she just left the throne. And I haven't replaced her yet with like a celebrity. And she's smart. She speaks another language that Mila Kunis. Yeah, Russian, because she was also dragged around

like a dog in her youth. And that's the kind of girl you want to be with. You want a girl that was subjected to maybe mild torture. Didn't get bread, had a weight in mind for bread. You know, had a well that she had to put the bucket down and get water and then you go here's another fucking bucket you can drain. She can change the horseshoe like on a horse. Real shit. Yeah, exactly. You milk a cow and a goat, you better be able to. Well, you got my two. Who are you? Who are you choosing to fill up and seal shut? Well, I'm going to fill up.

I guess I'm getting, oh, do I fill up and still shut Charlize? Or does she fill me up? It's a little lesbian. However you want to do it. I don't care. I love Charlize Teron. I would scissor her all day and all night. I think she's so pretty and so neat. That other broad probably doesn't speak English enough to even have a conversation. It's even better. Stop talking stupid. Shut up. Yeah.

That is so dumb. It's getting an impression of her. That was perfect. It's so dumb. Yeah, I don't like that. That's what he was going for. Like dumb person. I don't want to hear that. I like to talk to my ladies. Yusuf. I'd go Charlize. Thank you. Thyro. Thank you. I think she'd have like some crazy darkness in there because look at the roles she plays. Thank you. That doesn't come from like a regular, you know, stable mind.

I mean, there's like something crazy going on there. She had her. She saw her dad get killed. There's a dark story about her coming home. Her mother killed her father. That's why she's so awesome. So we had an agreement with Gosling. She's super hot. And we disagreed. We agreed to disagree on the girls. I took arena. You guys took Charlize and that's just the way it goes. And I normally like that. It's chips in a bowl.

It's a sound of fun on a show. That's just a fun time. It just means we're having fun. Some radio shows use a bullhorn to show that they're having fun. We use a bag of chips. I prefer chips in a bowl. Yeah, I like the chips in a bowl better. It's unique. The other morning shows aren't doing that. It's fun. We also have another. This means we're having fun. That is the ultimate fun.

All right. We got to run. Look, Nick Youssef is hilarious. And we fully support this album. Go to allthingscomedy.com and buy stop not owning this. It's your first album. Very, very happy for you. It's on Twitter. The link will be in my profile there. It'll be in my profile on my Instagram. It'll be on my website. All those things are

N-I-C-K-Y-O-U-S-S-E-F. So the handle for Instagram and Twitter is that and the website is nickusef.com. And it's Y-O-U-S-E-S-S-E-F. Thank you for coming. Music Music Music Music

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